PONY.WTF
“Spike, hurry up!” Twilight called out, trotting along Ponyville’s main street. It was resupply day for her Library once again, and the purple unicorn had found her abode lacking any reasonable amounts of paper, quills, ink, just about anything a librarian needs to succeed. Spike shook his head and ran back after Twilight, a bit dazed from his most recent distraction.
“You were ogling Rarity again weren’t you?” Twilight asked, groaning at her assistant’s reddening face. Spike attempted to cough away his blush and puffed out his chest.
“Naw Twilight! I was… uh… waving to Lyra!” Spike waved like a maniac at the nearby unicorn, sitting in her most odd of fashions. Confused she slowly waved back before returning to a heated debate with Bon Bon over cards or something or other. The two made their way over to a nearby ink stand where Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy hovered nearby, examining Dash’s new Daring Do and Wonderbolts posters. The four started talking about nonsensical girl things when Rarity meandered over, followed by a bouncy Pinkie Pie and a smirking Applejack.
“Twilight! How are you?” Rarity asked, batting her eyelashes because Fabulosity never takes a break (except on July 4th, AMERICA!). Spike’s feeble mind was no match for that much Fabulous and fell off Twilight’s back, knocking a bunch of ink onto the ground and forming a puddle. Rarity backed up quickly.
“Nooooo! The ink will stain my beautiful white coat!” the fashionista backed into Applejack, who dropped all her apples into the ink. Angry at the lost product, the earth pony slammed her hoof into the ground. Rainbow Dash dropped some rainbow she was brewing as a gift to Fluttershy into the ink and apples, and gasped.
“Well this certainly is a predicament,” Dash commented, sticking her head through the cloud she sat on. Suddenly, a burst of magic erupted from Twilight’s horn and shot into the inky mixture. Twilight went red in the face, she couldn’t help it! Rainbow Dash always made her feel this way…
Suddenly Pinkie Pie activated her Party Cannon because she’s Pinkie Pie and Pinkie Pie does what Pinkie Pie wants. Wanna party? Pinkie sure as hell does! The mixture erupted into a massive glowing portal, and disappeared altogether, leaving six odd-looking mares and one baby dragon opposite the holders of the Elements… and Spike. They looked as if whatever formed them put either too much or too little detail into every little bit of their features. The oddest thing; they all looked just like Twilight and her friends… and Spike. Well… close enough.
“Who are you ponies?” Twilight asked, taking a step forward. The other purple unicorn jumped up and grabbed Twilight by the collarbone (I think we’ll just call them “Bizarro”). Bizarro Rainbow Dash jumped up and got her face all up in Twilight’s grill.
“We’ll ask the questions around here ya crazy cunt!” Bizarro Dash laughed a deep, mannish laugh, stopping when Bizarro Twilight gave her a look, “Now where are ‘dem Helements of Armory?”
“Elements of Harmony”
“Yeah whatever,” Rainbow Dash slammed into her Bizarro counterpart, pinning her down.
“No one attacks my friend like that!” Dash ground her teeth in anger. Bizarro Dash grinned and kicked her assailant off by kicking her in the vag. It was awesome.
“Swag,” she grinned. The two started a brawl that kicked up a dust cloud around them.
Meanwhile, Bizarro Applejack whistled casually as she made her way to Applejack.
“Boy I sure do love apples,” Japple Ack nonchalantly commented. The earth pony raised an eyebrow.
“Beg pardon?” Japple Ack leaned in closer, pulling up two large buckets full of apples.
“I bet you can’t eat all these apples,” Applejack’s eyes narrowed at the absurd accusation.
“Buck you I can’t eat all these apples!” she cried out, diving her head into a bucket. Japple Ack followed suit and the two raced on, cores flying all over the damn place. Hell, you’d think it was raining apples. But it wasn’t, because that’s stupid and you’re stupid for even imagining the possibility of raining apples.
Nearby, Fluttershy had separated herself from disputing Rarity’s, story-swapping Spikes and some serious shit I don’t even want to narrate about but unfortunately will have to concerning the two Pinkie Pies. Eh? The plot? I LOVE IT!
“Umm, hi…” Fluttershy barely whispered when Bizarro Fluttershy sat next to her and looked off into space. Her counterpart had an innocent enough look, but a few teeth missing.
“Hey hey hey!” Bizarro Fluttershy responded in a gravelly voice, smiling a creepy-ass smile. Fluttershy was a bit put off, but smiled back feebly.
“Um… this is my bunny,” Fluttershy held out Angel, an uncaring look on the little jerkass’s face. Bizarro Fluttershy’s eyes lit up and she pulled out her own bunny.
“This is mine!” the bunny was dead. Patches of skin were missing and the eyes were facing opposite directions. The stuffing was popping out of the stitches and the thing smelled plain weird. Fluttershy yelped quietly, and backed up, horrified.
“I have more in my shed!” Bizarro Fluttershy grinned, her tongue sticking out. In a flash, she was on Fluttershy, “STAY OUTTA MY SHED!” Bizarro Fluttershy growled, her eyes rimmed with black patches. Fluttershy started to whimper and cry as Bizarro Fluttershy began to carve up a nearby raccoon. Blood got everywhere and it tasted like strawberries.
Rarity dodged a slap from Bizarro Rarity, who was gasping loudly from the physical effort.
“CALL ME A PIG, WILL YOU?” Bizarro Rarity screamed, sweating madly from the extended effort.
“Oh what’s wrong? Weighed down by how un-fabulous you are?” Rarity flaunted her tight flank and stuck it out for a few passing stallions. All were walking funny as they passed, red-faced, “Or maybe it’s just my regal beauty?” Rarity bounced her mane a bit and batted her eyelashes. See? Fabulous. Never takes a break. Suddenly Bizarro Rarity’s brains were blown out her head. Covered in brain matter, Rarity screamed. Bizarro Rainbow Dash held a smoking gun in her hand and shrugged her shoulders.
“Sorry, your Swag was too low,” Bizarro Dash bro-hoofed Rainbow Dash. The two were beaten and bloodied from their scuffle, but found friendship in their mutual love of all things that was awesome and Swag. So much Swag. So little time. But still, so much Swag.
Suddenly Bizarro Twilight took a shit. Twilight was disgusted and threw up. Fluttershy and Rarity fainted and the Dashes bro-hoofed. Spike trotted over and started pissing on the shit, eyes red and pus-filled.
“Dude, you’re sick! Far-out!” Bizarro Spike yelled at his counterpart, bong in hand. Twilight smelled the air and was confuzzled by the aroma, then went weak in the legs when a puddle began to form under her. Those aromas, they do wonders for a mare. It was like a dream, a teenage dream. In the summer of ‘69. Back in my sweet home of Alabama.
Wasn’t I talking about ponies just now?
Oh yeah.
So Pinkie Pie ran up to the Dashes screaming like a whiny bitch. She was coated in vomit, blood, and some yellow stuff. Gross.
“Bitch you ever hear of a shower?” Bizarro Dash asked, grinning. Rainbow raised an eyebrow at her pink party pony priend. (LOL Alliteration joke)
“Pinkie, what’s all over you?!?” Rainbow asked, flying around the screaming Pinkie. She took a breath and began to ramble like someone on crack. Is there crack in Ponyville? Now there is.
“Yeeeeeaaahhhhbuddy,” the Spikes yelled.
“She said she wanted to do a trick so I said ‘Okay’ and she started drinking some really strange water and then started to fall over a bit and then spewed a bunch of chunky vomit all over me then she started bleeding from her ‘pretty pink princess’ and…” Pinkie’s eyes were wide and filled with tears while her rant turned into incomprehensible jibber-jabber.
Bizarro Twilight was annoyed with the yelling, and fired a magical beam of Doom, Deth, and Death at the crying Pinkie. The feckin’ kraut’s aim was off and instead hit Bizarro Dash. Screaming loudly and quite mannishly, Bizarro Dash dashed *snicker* into Bizarro Fluttershy. A bunch of chainsaws erupted from the black-eyed pony’s vagina and activated for no particular reason. I think Twilight had a hand in it, that crazy Unicorn witchcraft. Back in my day as an Earth-Pony colt, we hung Unicorns for that kind of weirdo mumbo-jumbo hoo-haa flim-flam buggery!
Anywho, Bizarro Spike started convulsing and vibrated like… a vibrator… over to Twilight, who, upon vibration, began firing magic everywhere. Bizarro or non-Bizarro, every damn Twilight can’t hold her magic in place. Mares cannot hold their smoke; that’s what it is!
Suddenly Discord flew by carrying a giant dead Bizarro Discord.
“That… IS NOT FUN CHAOS!” he yelled, dropping the giant on everypony.
Spike was knocked unconscious because he’s a baby dragon and babies need their sleep. Your lack of baby knowledge is why we took away your child, Applebloom. This is why Big Mac can’t have nice things.
It was a calm day in Ponyville when Spike woke up. He looked over at the decrepit corpses of all the Bizarro ponies, and the barely-alive Bizarro Spike. Everypony else had made their way to Sugarcube Corner for Christmas. But it was July. Ponies can’t tell time in their egalitarian communistic society. So much oppression! And then Mayor Mare turned into Saddam Hussein.
Spike walked to his Bizarro counterpart. The crudely-drawn dragon was bleeding from the giant (who had disappeared because of the Magic of Friendship or The Elements of Harmony or Belly Bros) and had a broken, well, everything, except his pride. Dragons don’t lose pride. The few. The proud. The purple. The Dragons of Equestria. He looked up to his un-corrupted dragon friend.
“Spike, dude, you’re the best friend I ever had,” Spike’s eyes filled with tears.
“Don’t speak sweet prince, let the magic of our friendship take you away,” Spike pulled his Bizarro counterpart closer, their lips getting closer and closer. Their eyes closed and Bizarro Spike awaited the warm touch of his lover’s li-
Spike then shoved his claw into Bizarro Spike’s chest, ripped out his heart, and turned it into a gem using the Magic of Friendship.
“Far-out dude,” Bizarro Spike choked out. Spike held the gem in his hand and kept a hard-boiled expression on his face.
“It’s just been revoked,”
And it was the best Ponyville Christmas ever.
You just read a My Little Pony fanfiction on the internet!