> My Life as an Eldritch Horror
>  by LucidDreamer
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> So... I have tentacles now... Cool. (Edited)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The blaring of my phone's alarm, specifically Ultra Sheriff's Leviathan violently ripped me from the depths of sleep. My eye shot open and I sat bolt upright. Looking around blearily, I spied the offending device and poked the button to shut it up. I blinked and looked around. I was sitting in the middle of my apartment's living room. Must have conked out on the floor again. I mentally mused. I popped my neck and tossed the pillow I'd been using on the couch. Morning light was filtering in through the single window across from the couch and above the entertainment center. The light illuminated an important detail I hadn't noticed. There was something wrong with my hand. I blinked. The skin was dark purple and there were only three long fingers and a thumb all tipped with dull claws. Also the hand itself was thin to an unhealthy degree.

Looking at the other one revealed the same. My arms and legs were hairless emaciated and also dark purple. My feet bore three webbed toes. Oddly enough I was still wearing my sweat shorts and League of Legends Vi Shirt that I normally wore for sleeping or lazing. My torso looked as thin as the rest of me through the shirt. Though something felt squished against my back under the shirt. What ever they were they wriggled. Kinda tickled actually. When something twitched on my face and I caught movement my lower peripheral vision, I made a decision.

I required a mirror.

I got up, my head bumped the low ceiling as I did. Apparently I'd gotten taller. Cool. My feet made slapping noises on the floor as it shifted from carpet to faux-wood laminate tile. As I walked through the kitchen I made sure to flick on the lights. Walking into the bathroom I did the same so I could look in the mirror.

Cthulhu face greeted me. A single violet eye with a slit iris dominated my octopus-like head. Six thick squid like tentacles sat where my mouth-slash-jaw should be. I noticed there was something off with my back. Something was wriggling under my shirt.  most people would be losing their collective shit about something like this. I however had only so many fucks to give. So I used them sparingly. Like if someone offended a friend, or was going to hurt a child. 'Then' I would let said hypothetical person have it. Anyway... I proceeded to pull my shirt off. It was oddly easy even with the face tentacles and bulbous head.

The moment my shirt came off, four tentacles unfurled and writhed in the air almost joyously. Muscles I didn't even realize were tense proceeded to untense. It gave me a warm relaxed feeling. It was nice. Looking in the mirror, I turned around to look at my back. Two of the tentacles came out of my shoulders and the other two came out of  the small of my back.

I blinked at my reflection, sniffed a deep breath in through a non existent nose, then stated in a deep distorted double-voice. "Meh." I then proceeded to strip down and get in the shower. Just cause I'd become some sort of Eldritch creature did not mean I could walk around unwashed, smelling of Elder God B.O.

After the... 'unique'... shower I noticed that my skin (if you could call purple rubbery flesh skin) absorbed the moisture that was left over. Well that's convenient. I stepped out of the shower, gathered my clothes, walked through the kitchen and living room and finally into my room and tossed the dirty clothes into my dirty clothes bin. Not wanting to go naked and despite not having any outwardly noticeable genitalia, I put on a fresh pair of briefs and the pairs of jeans I'd been wearing the previous day. Thankfully they fit, perfectly adjusted to my new height. I decided against a shirt because it would make the tentacles on my back uncomfortable.

Now somewhat clothed I went back into the living room and retrieved my phone from the floor where I left it earlier. The screen showed 8:42 AM, and sadly No Service at the top of the screen. "Hmmm." I hummed. I then stuffed the phone into my pocket. I narrowed my eye in thought. A changed form probably means I am in another world... If the stories I'd read were right... but... I glanced around my apartment... Well that would certainly look weird. A large rectangle with wires and pipes and stuff coming out of it just showing up out of nowhere.

I shrugged. Yes, I'd miss the internet. Thankfully I had a few hard drives full of games, movies and shows to keep me entertained. Speaking of which... I turned on the TV, booted up the PS4, and browsed through my collection of games. Then my stomach grumbled.  Nope, breakfast first. Pancakes sounded great right about now. Wait... Do I have a beak under these tentacles? I guess I'll find out.

I set down the controller, walked into the kitchen and opened the cupboards. Only for my front door to be knocked on. Freezing, I slowly turned toward the door. There came another knock. "The Fuq?" I asked the air. My brow furrowed and my face tentacles twitched. I walked over to the door. Upon opening it I saw Ponyville. How did I know it was Ponyville? Twilight's Library was across the street and Twilight Sparkle herself was right in front of me. Although I had to look down at her, due to being Double her Height!

She stared at me for a moment in confusion before her face turned to a look of abject horror. She then disappeared in a flash of light. She probably went home. Good for her. Avoid the tentacled abomination living across the street from you. He doesn't plan on leaving. I shut the door and only made it about five steps before the door knocked again. I sighed, turned back around, and reopened the door. This time the Cutie Mark Crusaders were at the door. Unfortunately, they too looked at me in horror. Honestly it was starting to hurt my feelings. Looking down at them I noticed that there were about the size of house cats compared to me.

"Hel-" I didn't even get to finish as they all screamed in unison (almost matching harmonic pitch) and took off running like I'd chase them. I watched them go, sighed once again and decided against breakfast.

Then the door knocked again.

"Really?"  With a groan I turned around and walked back to the door. When I opened it for the third time, I looked down to see Dinky Doo. On her back was a basket containing muffins of various types. The moment she saw me she grinned.

"Hullo!" She said happily in a half-squee.

HNNNGH! Too Cute! Diabetus! My hand flew up to my heart. Oh God my heart is melting! "Hi..." I managed.

She cocked her ear to the side. "Your voice is weird."

"I know." I said doing my best not to have a heart attack. "You're very brave to come here Dinky." I said finally getting my freak out under control. I took a slow breath and straightened.

Her eyes widened. "You know my name?!" She gasped. "How?!"

"Yes." I said with a chuckle. "As to your name..." I simply used a tentacle to gesture to all of me.

"Oooooooh."  She said with dawning comprehension.  "You're like Cthulhu, but smaller... and less maddening... and more..." She briefly looked me up and down. "Comfortable." She finished with a happy nod.

I blinked. "I have no words... Wait... You know about Cthulhu?"

"Of course!" She chirped happily with a grin. "Mommy and I love H. Pony Coltcraft! We have a book club with mommy's friends Lyra and Vinyl!" Then her ears flattened and  she looked down. "The other colts and fillies at school think I'm weird."

I knelt down. "Well you can tell them that you faced a cosmic horror while both the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Twilight Sparkle fled. Also those who read H. P. Coltcraft aren't weird, they're prepared."

That raised her spirits. She grinned at me. "Thanks!"

"You're welcome."  I nodded trying my best to smile with no mouth. "So... Why are you here exactly?"

"Curiosity. Well... Mom's also at work, and it's a saturday, and it's not every day a weird black box appears in the lot next door." She Took a breath after the overly long sentence. "Oh, that reminds me." Her horn lit up gold and the basket on her back was engulfed in a golden glow. It slowly levitated up then floated over to me. Dinky stuck out her tongue as her face screwed up in concentration. God that's adorable. I reached out a tentacle and grabbed the basket out of the air. The glow dimmed and Dinky visibly relaxed. "Mommy made these.  Welcome to the neighborhood mister..." Her face fell a bit. "I never got your name, sorry." Her ears pinned back sadly. Stop being so cute! Stahp! Imma die!

"That's okay. My name... is..." I blinked. My brow furrowed in confusion. I couldn't remember my name. "I... don't know my name..." Oddly enough, that didn't seem to bother me. Weird. Something like that should bother me right?

"You don't? Are you okay?" Dinky asked looking a bit worried. She reached out and put a hoof on my knee.

"No I don't and yes I'm fine. The name thing doesn't seem to bother me- Wait did you say Black Box?" I felt my tentacles twitch in curiosity.

She blinked owlishly. "Uhh... Yeah?"

"Name later. Black box now. I gotta see this." Dinky stepped out of my way as I stepped outside. As I did the door shut behind me. I glanced at it then glanced at Dinky. She simply shrugged. So I shrugged. Dinky followed me as I walked to the middle of the street and turned around.

I lived in a black box. A very ominous black box with a plain white door in the middle of it. A black box that clearly stood out among the other houses and Twilight's Library, which happened to be named the Golden Oaks library. I put my hands on my hips. "Yeah...  This needs to be fixed." I stated flatly. "This just looks awkward." Holy shit I lived in a Monolith! Dinky has nerves of steel. You could say... Dinky Hooves is Filled with Determination!

"But how will people know where you live?" I looked down to see Dinky looking back up at me. "Seriously, Where do you live? Oh it's the black box in the middle of Ponyville. You can't miss it!" She rose onto her hind legs and waved her forelegs around for emphasis.

I facepalmed and snorted a chuckle. "Dinky, you are adorable."

"Thank you!" She grinned. "I get it from mommy."

"I bet you do." I once again did my best to smile.  It was all in the eye.  "Your mother is also incredibly adorable."

"So...  You like mommy?" I didn't like the devious look she was giving me. I felt a chill go down my spine.

I slowly looked down at the innocent happy grin. My tentacles twitched nervously. "I... do..." I nodded slowly. The filly was plotting something.

"Good!" She chirped. "Then you can be my daddy! Mommy gets lonely sometimes. She doesn't show it but I know she does."

My heart skipped.

Error! Cthulhu.EXE has stopped working and needed to close.  Restart? Y/N

-> Y

I blinked. "Wat..." I blinked again I shook myself roughly. "Whoa, slow down there Dinky!" I snapped in a panic. "One, we literally just met! Two, I haven't met your mom yet! Three, when we meet we may not get along, and there'd have to be a few dates, and I don't know how relationships work! I've never made one last! 'I'm too much work' according to my last girlfriend." I rambled, subconsciously starting to pace as my mind raced.

Dinky watched me pace. "Hey dad?"

Her voice got me to stop pacing and she walked up to me and patted my leg. "It's okay." She said like she was calming a pet. Why was that working? "Shhhh. One and three don't matter. I love you and I'm sure mom will too. Two can be easily remedied later." She smiled up at me warmly.

"But... but... but you only just met me... you don't know who I am... I don't even have a name yet..." I said weakly, deflating. My tentacles went limp as I slumped.

"Those can also be remedied." Her smile turned back into a grin. "We can come up with something before mommy gets home."

"I'm not getting out of this am I?" I asked flatly.

"Nope!" Dinky chirped.

I sighed then straightened. "Okay..." Something struck me. "Wait a sec. What did your mom think of the black box next door?"

"She said, and I quote. Muffin if you go and meet the new neighbor or neighbors bring them some of my muffins as a welcome gift. Be nice. Oh, and if they're some horrific Eldritch entity with tentacles and ooze and stuff, try not to stare. Turn on the cute so they don't do terrible things to you. Tell them that if they do, I'll make them wish they could die." She finished with a smile.

I shivered. Note to self. NEVER tick off Derpy. "I'm not slimy..." I poked a tentacle just to make sure. "God, she calls you 'muffin' that's even more adorable." I facepalmed with a groan. "Screw it... This is my life now..." Please can something change the topic?

"Dinky get away from that thing!"

Deus Ex Twilight!

Dinky and I turned to see a shaking Twilight Sparkle. She look frightened, yet there was an almost manic glint in her eye that made me very nervous. More nervous for Dinky than myself. Twilight's mane had a few hairs popping out of it, which reinforced the clearly manic episode.

"'Thing?' That's racist." I pointed at her, causing Twilight to blink in clear confusion. She visibly shuddered, more than likely due to my voice.

Dinky however was more offended than I was. "Twilight, he's not an evil Eldritch Horror from an ominous black box!" She snapped cutely. "He's a good Eldritch Horror from an ominous black box."

Twilight either didn't hear her or didn't care as she stared at me. "I've... I've written the princess! I-I don't know what y-you want but you're not going to hurt Dinky!" Her horn lit up and began to crackle with purple sparks.

Nope!

"Muffin!" I snapped hurling a muffin from the basket at the upset purple unicorn.

Critical Hit! The muffin 'paffed' as it landed on her horn.

"Ooooooh!" Dinky and I whooped raising our arms and forelegs to the sky in our surprised joy. "Did you see that!?" Dinky cried pointing a hoof at Twilight's new muffin horn.

Twilight however did not find it that funny. She briefly blinked in confusion, crossing her eyes to see the muffin. Then her face twisted into an angry snarl. The muffin disintegrated as it was consumed by purple electricity.

Shit... Twilight's triggered...

I snatched up Dinky with a tentacle causing her to squeak in surprise. She yelped and squirmed briefly as I thrust a finger in Twilight's direction. "Twilight Sparkle! I am taking this filly! She will be well cared for and I'll make sure to feed her and get her home before bedtime! Have a wonderful day!" I exclaimed, hamming up the evil voice. The crackling on her horn as well as the glow, died as she blinked at me stupidly. A few more stray hairs popped out of her mane.

"Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha!" I cackled, spinning around and charging at the house. The door opened before I reached it, I leaped through it, and it slammed behind me.

"Yay! let's do that again!" Dinky cheered as I set her on the tile floor of the kitchen. I set the basket of muffins on the little table next to the door. I looked down and noticed that Dinky had wandered into my living room. I walked up behind her as she fell to her haunches. Her mouth fell open as her gaze roved over my living room  from my entertainment center, to the bookshelves filled with anime, to the bookshelves filled with manga, to the shelf filled with Funko 'blind-box' vinyl figures, to the bookshelf filled with D&D, Pathfinder, and other Roleplaying manuals, and finally to the wall filled with video game posters. She blinked and slowly looked up at me in stunned awe. "You're a nerd..." She breathed slowly. "You're Eldritch horror from who-knows-where and you're a nerd..."

"I hope you're not disappointed." I said a little sheepishly.

"Are you kidding!?!" Her ecstatic response made me jump and lean away from her. "This- This is awesome!" She ran into the room and rapidly began looking at everything. "I love it!"

I heard a wumph from the front door and a pained yelp. Turning to look back at it I heard an annoyed grumble. I got the distinct impression that Twilight had actually tried to teleport into the apartment directly. I heard a brief pounding on the door. "What's that?" Dinky asked.

"It's just Twilight trying to get in. One sec." I walked back to the door and opened it. Twilight had her hoof raised. She blinked then looked up at me. "Twilight, you've already called the princesses right?" She nodded slowly  "So why are you trying to get in? Aren't Elder Beings a little out of your paygrade?" She stammered for words. Twilight Go Home. I said, my voice taking on a weird rumble. Twilight blinked and in a flash she disappeared. Wait... I just did a thing... I shook myself. Whatever. I briefly looked around outside. Nopony was around for some reason. Well except for the mint green tail poking out of the bush next to the library and the pair of colts peaking around the corner of a house. I waved at the tail, which proceeded to disappear into the bush. only to be replaced by a pair of golden eyes that honestly creeped me out a bit. Lyra stop creeping! The sound of small hooves got my attention and I looked to see Pipsqueak and Button Mash charging full tilt at the the doorway and me as fast as their little hooves could carry them.

"Dinky... Would you happen to know Pipsqueak and Button Mash?" I asked, briefly leaning back to call into the living room.

"Yeah." I heard her call back. It sounded like she had found something to do.

"Good to know." I responded as I moved a tentacles in the path of the colts, who skidded to a halt staring up at me with a mixture of determination and fear.

Button Mash is filled with Determination.

Pipsqueak is filled with Determination.

I looked down at them. "Morning.  Can I help you?" The stared at me with the look similar to a deer in the headlights.

Pip shook it off first. "Where's Dinky?!"

"Inside." I responded. "Hey Dinky what're you doing?" I called into the living room.

"Looking through your games on PS4. Say, what's Bloodborne?" She responded.

Well she adapts quickly. Wait... "No! Dinky that's an M-rated game!  It's violent and hellishly difficult!"

"I read Coltcraft and I faced you down without flinching. Plus both mommy and Miss Cheerilee say I'm advanced for my age." She countered.

"You have a point but..." I responded, glancing down i noticed two colts staring at me in abject confusion.

"It's not that hard, it's all in the timing. I've only died once! The werewolf was supposed to eat you the first time." She sounded like she was concentrating. Almost mechanical.

"Bullshiiiii-..." I glanced back down at the colts as my swear slowly died.

"Dad language!" Dinky snapped.

"Dad!?" Both colts cried in surprise.

"That explains everything!" Pip breathed.

I chuckled at the colts reaction, Internally squirming at being called dad. "So... How can I help you?"

"We're here to save Dinky from the evil monster!" Button said proudly.

"That's racist." Dinky called, causing me to burst out laughing.

"Okay then, what are your names?" I knelt down and glanced between both of them. They blinked stupidly.

"Pipsqueak/Button Mash." They said simultaneously looking confused.

"What is your Quest?" I wish I could grin. Please get the reference.  Please exist in this world and/or universe.

"To save Dinky!" They cried in unison.

"Dad, make them stop. They're making me blush and I'm trying to concentrate here." Dinky complained.

"Too bad." I called back before returning my attention to the colts. "What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"Zebrican or Eu'ropean?" They both responded with a grin.

YES!

"AH HA! Thank you!" I laughed. "Come on in!" I stood up and stepped aside. Immediately the colts bolted into the living room.

"Dinky we're here to rescue you!" They yelled.

"I heard." Dinky responded somewhat blandly.

"Wait... The tentacle monster's a nerd?" Pip asked.

"What are you playing!?" Button yelled.

"Stop yelling you're breaking my concentration." Dinky groaned.

What have I done... I've turned Dinky into a gamer...

"Hey do you three want something to eat? There are muffins here." I asked, calling into the living room as I shut the door.

"Yes please!"  Came the response from all three. Shrugging, I retrieved the muffin basket with a tentacle and walked into the living room. Pip was pacing the room, looking everything over. Button was sitting on the floor, staring slack-jawed at the T.V. I swear he was drooling.  Dinky was sitting on the couch. She had the PS4 controller in her golden telekinesis and her face was a mask of concentration. Her female hunter was currently wiping the floor with a crowd of villagers, keeping them at bay with the threaded cane and blunderbus. I watched her play setting down the basket next to Button. Button in turned pawed around blindly, not looking away, until his hoof found a muffin. Then through the magic of 'reasons' his hoof lifting the muffin and he mindlessly took a bite out of it. Pip wandered over, grabbed a muffin, wandered back to a bookshelf, set the muffin down, sat on his haunches, pulled out the D&D 5.0 Player's Handbook and began to read while munching on his selected muffin. I sat down in the wing-backed chair right next to the couch and watched Dinky play. I felt like I should be worried that Dinky's playing an M-game but both she and Button seem fine. This was confirmed when, after a particularly brutal kill, Button laughed. "Oh brutal!" Kids these days. I shook my head.

Then the door knocked. Again...

"Dad. Door." Dinky said flatly.

"I heard, thanks." I sighed. Ugh. Grand Central Station.

This is my life now... I groaned inwardly as I walked towards the door.

It better not be Twilight.
> Foals, a Creepy Lyrist, and the friends of a Neurotic Unicorn. (Edited)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Upon opening the door I was met by a mint green unicorn. Oh, hi Lyra. Said unicorn was wearing a tan trench-coat and a tan fedora. Okay apparently she was investigator Lyra today. Should I be worried?

The moment she laid her golden eyes on me she gave a grin that said Hi I'll be your stalker for today. The trench coat wasn't because she was investigating!  It was a back alley creeper's trench coat!  Shiiiiiiii..... Okay, calm down Eldritch, say something. I cleared my throat. "Good morning Lyra Heartstrings, can I help you?"

"Hiiii..." She said a little breathily, leaning forward a little. Her eyes kept glancing between my tentacles in a way that honestly made me uncomfortable. Lyra stahp it. My tentacles wriggled uncomfortably. It only caused her to grin a little more, and giggle, and blush.

Okay, E.H. You're an adult. You can act like an adult. I knelt down to her level. "Hello." I nodded at her. "Is there something I can help you with?" 

"Oh I hope so." She said with a half-pant. Her tail swished back and forth. Mm-mm! Nope! "I like your tentacles." She stared at one of them, reached out and stroked it.

NOPE!

Lightning jolted up my spine as I stiffened. My tentacle snapped back away from her in response. "Please don't do that."

Lyra giggled, grinned at me and got a glazed look in her eyes.

"Ummm, you okay?" I asked, honestly worried for my continued safety.

She blinked.

I blinked."Hello?"

She blinked stupidly.

Well this is getting worrying....  I reached out a face tentacle and poked the end of her muzzle.  "Boop."

"Ahh!"  She gasped and reared back onto her hind legs in surprise. Her eyes rolled up into the back of her head and she went limp, collapsing onto the ground in a dead faint. Her legs twitched erratically for a moment before stilling. A happy grin and a blush adorned her now unconscious face. There was a scent in the air that I did 'not' want to think about.

"Dinky...." I called into the apartment. "Can you come here a sec?"

"Why?" Dinky called back.

"Because I think I broke Lyra?" I poked the mare with a finger and she shivered.

"Wait... Lyra? Oh... Oh no...." I did not like the tone she was using. "I'll be right there. Button, don't touch my game. Pip please make sure he doesn't touch my game."

"I promise nothing Dinks,  it is Button Mash we're talking about here." Pip responded.

"Ugh... true." Dinky groaned. "Button can you NOT touch my game? Please...."

"Yeah sure." Button said while clearly not listening.

There was the sound of hooves and Dinky was beside me. I looked at her. She looked worried. If she was worried, I was worried. "Hey, how's it going?"

"Good, Button's probably stole my game and killed my hunter by now. Pip's reading D&D." Dinky sat on her haunches next to me and looked at the downed Lyra.

"I'm sorry." I patted her gently. I heard Button's frustrated whine from the living room. "So.... Lyra... What's the damage?"

"I should have seen this coming. She's always taken a... weird.. interest in Coltcraft. Like 'I write stories that are not meant for fillies, try to read them at our book clubs, and get chewed out by Vinyl and Derpy' kind of interest." Dinky shivered. "I may be twelve, and I may have interests that others think is weird, as well as a resistance to shocking things because Ponyville, but there are things that I just don't want to know about yet."

"So, you still want to stay somewhat innocent?" I asked.

"Yup." She nodded.

"Well good." I looked back down to Lyra. "I noticed her creeping in the bushes outside of Twilight's Library about the same time the boys came running up here. How the hell did she know I was even here? I admit that a black box showing up would get attention, but Lyra's appearance is just eerie."

"She says she's made a spell that detects Eldritch Horrors."  Dinky shrugged. "She lives across town so I guess it works. So what happened exactly?"

"Well I opened the door." I began.

"Okay." Dinky nodded.

"Lyra was there."

"Obviously."

"She was being creepy. Made me need an adult."

"You are an adult." Dinky gave me a confused look.

"Another adult. To make me feel safe around that." I gestured at Lyra.

"Ah. Understandable. Please continue."

"I asked if I could help her, she only got creepier."

"As I'd expect she would."

"She blinked at me and didn't respond to anything I said."

"Kay."

"So I booped her on the nose, she gasped, reared back, then fainted." I shrugged.

"What did you boop her with?"

"Why's that matter?"

"Just answer the question."

"A tentacle."

"Oh... Yeah that would be why she fainted... She has a... thing... for tentacles..."  Dinky shuddered.

"Ugh!"  I shuddered, trying to mentally bleach my brain. "Urp!" My stomach recoiled violently.

"No vomiting!" Dinky said patting my back. "What are you going to do with her? You can't just leave her on the ground like this."

"I don't intend to." I reached down and picked her up. Upon doing so Lyra cuddled up to me.

"She may be creepy, and might now have an unhealthy obsession with you, but that's seriously cute." Dinky giggled then her face fell when I stood up and shut the door behind me. "Wait... where are you going?"

"I am putting her in my bed. She can sleep off... whatever it is she's feeling...  I hope." I walked into the living room.

"Dad that's a terrible idea!" She cried.

"Oh I know it's a terrible idea, but I want to see where this goes." I chuckled, Internally berating myself for letting 'that' in my house.

Sighing Dinky followed. When she got to the living room she stared blankly at the T.V. Her hunter had just died to a villager. She facehooved. "Button..."

"This game is hard!" Button whined as he set down the controller with a pout.

"Then you should have listened to Dinky." Pip commented from his spot on the floor. He had the 5.0 Monster Manual, 5.0 Dungeon Master's Guide, Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide, Volo's Guide To Monsters, as well as the Player's Handbook open on the floor around him.  He'd pulled a notebook down from my table somehow and it looked like he was making characters for 5.0. Hell yeah. Go Pip.

I chuckled as Dinky sat back down on the couch and telekinetically retrieved the controller. "Ugh...  all that progress.  I was going to buy all the upgraded armor at once."

"Sorry." Button said weakly, his ears pinning back in shame.

"I'll deal with you in a sec." I pointed a tentacle at Button, whose eyes widened in fear. Behind him Dinky grinned evilly. I moved into my room and pulled back the covers so I could set down Lyra. Said Lyra however did not want to let go. So after a minute or two of struggling with her to let go of a tentacle, I had her snuggled under the covers of my bed. I took her hat off and set it on the nightstand next to my bed. I chuckled. She looked cute like this. Almost made me forget she wanted to do terrible things to me.  Almost...

Turning around I went back into the living room. Button looked up at me like I was a teacher and he'd just got in serious trouble. "You're doomed."  Pip commented from his spot as he glanced between the pages for the 'Lizardfolk,' 'Monk' and 'Radiant Sun Monk.'

"Eh-hem."  I cleared my throat and I straightened into a formal posture. "Button of House Mash." I intentionally deepened my voice.  "Thou hast committed a grave Gamer Sin. One of the Cardinal Gamer Sins in fact. Thou hast willingly played another's Save File without their consent, and in so doing, killed their character and devastated their progress. Thy penance Button, shall be this. Thou wilt be unable to play any of my gaming systems unsupervised for one month. Additionally thou willest be unable to solo-play any of my games for one month. So sayeth Eldritch, the Nameless Gamer!" I pointed an ominous finger of Gaming Doom at the misfortunate colt.

"Eldritch, the Nameless Gamer?" Dinky raised a curious brow.

"The name is tentative. I may come up with another one." I admitted with a shrug.

Button raised his hooves to the sky. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

"It's not 'that' bad a punishment." Pip commented while closing all the books one at a time, stacking them, placing the pad and pencil on top of them, and getting up to stretch.

"Yes! Yes it is!" Button whined.

"Well," I clapped my hands, "How about we go outside? It's a nice day out." I used a couple of tentacles to grab the controller to shut down the PS4 and the remote to shut off the T.V. simultaneously.  I then set both on the arm of the couch.

Button simply slouched his way over to the front door.

"Dad... this is a bad idea." Dinky said flatly, yet she followed Button to the front door anyway.

"Ponies are going to freak out." Pip chuckled as he followed me into the kitchen.

"I agree on both points." I nodded, shrugging I lifted the basket of muffins with a tentacle. "Also it's not my fault if they're racists. Well, racists may be going a bit far. But the point still stands that all they see is Oh my Celestia it's a tentacled monster! Run away!" I intentionally pitched up my voice for the last bit.  Thankfully I got a laugh out of all three.

"You gotta point." Pip admitted. "What're the muffins for?"

"Anti-Twilight precaution." I chuckled.

"What about Lyra? She's still in your bed?" Dinky asked looking back to my room with slight unease.

"I don't intend to be gone long. If there are problems we can always just go back in the apartment." I nodded. "Now I just gotta write a note for Ly-"

-pop-

A piece of paper popped into existence on the table next to the door.

"Wat."  I blinked.

"Did you just spawn a piece of paper?" Button asked, clearly stunned.

"Yep." I stated.

"Well there are worse superpowers." Pip said looking thoughtful.

"True." I nodded picking it up. I blinked. "Huh."

"What?" Dinky asked curiously.

"There's writing on it." I stared down at the note.

"Dear Lyra Heartstrings;

If you are reading this Dinky, Pip, Button and myself are still out. You passed out at my doorstep, so I took you in and put you to bed. Feel free to make yourself at home, just don't do anything weird. I am an Eldritch Horror after all, and this is my home. I can't wait to meet you properly.

Eldritch, The Nameless Gamer

P.S. The name is tentative, until I think of a better or more fitting one.

P.P.S. Don't touch my stuff, especially my 70-inch plasma screen T.V.... with Netflix."

I blinked once again. "Huh. Cool. Instant Letter Powers." I set the letter back down on the table.

"You 'are' an Eldritch Horror." Dinky mentioned.

"Well... Yeah..." Not thinking about that too hard. "Meh, Ponyville awaits!"

I pulled open the door and striding outside with the three... foals? Young ponies? Kids? Kids. With the three kids following me. As we did the door shut behind us, which caused Button and Pip to jump. Dinky giggled at this. A thought struck me. I took a few steps away from the door, the kids following like ducklings, and spun around to face it. I pointed at it. "Lock." I heard the lock click in the door. "Woo Apartment Control Powers!" I whooped with my arms raised. Dinky facehooved.

"'That's' an apartment?! It's huge!" Button gasped.

"Well it's huge to you, it fits me just fine." I nodded.

"Your head brushes the ceiling." Dinky said flatly.

"Not the point." I turned around and pointed at her.

"So where are we going? You three know your way around here." I glanced between the three of them, who in turn looked thoughtful.

"We could go to Sugarcube Corner and get milkshakes." Button suggested. Dinky and Pip nodded.

I was about to say something when I noticed the library's front door open. "Children get behind me, looks like Twilight-" I was cut off as there was a rainbow blur from the door, then my vision filled with fluffy Cyan. I reflexively shut my eye, I knew the fuzz would make it itch.  Something had latched onto my face and it was hitting me. I think...  I could barely feel it. The kids yelp and I heard them scrabble behind me.

"What did you do to Twilight, squid-face?!"  Came the voice of Rainbow Dash from somewhere above my face.

"My goodness it's horrid!" Hey... Rarity, uncalled for.

"What in tarnation?!" There's AJ.

"He's so purple!" and Pinkie.

That leaves Twilight and Fluttershy.  Didn't know where Twilight was. I expected Fluttershy to- "EP!" There she was.

"Hey, dad.. you kinda got something on your face....." Dinky commented then burst into giggles. She was swiftly followed by the colts.

"Thanks... I noticed." I responded dryly.

"Fight back!" Rainbow yelled into my face.

"Nope. I'd rather you wait to tire yourself out." That only made the kids laugh harder.

"Don't worry RD Imma comin!" I heard the thunder of hoofbeats coming towards me. I sighed, stood there, and stuffed my hands in my pockets. I heard the skidding of hooves on dirt and felt a dull impact in my nether regions. I heard the kids and Twi's friends hiss in pain, minus Rainbow. She was still trying to beat the stuffing out of my bulbous head.

"You okay? That looked like it hurt." Button asked sounding concerned.

"Yep. I'm good thanks for asking." I chuckled, I held out a fist behind me. "Hey button, brofist." I felt a hoof on my knuckles. "Hell yeah, Pip?" Another hoof. "Dinky. Brofist." The final small hoof. "Woot!" Then I felt a fourth, much larger hoof. "Da Fu? Dinky who dat?"

"Hi" I heard Pinkie say from behind me.

"Oh hi, Pinkie Pie. How are you?" I continued to ignore the pegasus on my face. There was a thump in front of me and I heard AJ start laughing. This is good.

"I'm good mister tentacle monster guy. Hey can I have a muffin?" Pinkie asked.

"Ask Dinky, her mom made them." I responded. Both colts broke down. I am honestly having a hard time containing my own laughter.

"Dinky can I have a muffin?" Pinkie asked.

"G-go for i-it." I almost felt Dinky shrug through her giggles.

"Yay!" I felt the basket shift. "Mnomnomnom! Oh these are so good! Why are you holding a basket of muffins anyway?"

"Anti-Twilight precaution. I was planning to spear one on her horn." I shrugged with a chuckle. My stomach hurt from holding in my laughter. Stay chill dammit!

"Oh that would look amazing!" Pinkie cried with a gasp, I felt a shotgunning of crumbs erupting from her mouth as she spoke.

"Take this fight seriously!" Rainbow cried sounding infuriated.

"I'm trying to take this fight seriously," I stated, "and I'm failing, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that this Rainbow maned pegasus flew up to me, latched onto my face, and honestly believes she can deal damage to an Eldritch being as if it were a library window. How about you get Dritchy a cider?"

"Y-your head jiggles every time she hits y-you!" Pinkie guffawed.

"I-I know... hmmmmmm........ I can feel it." Composure... breaking... HOLD THE LINE!

"Excuse me. I hope I'm not interrupting something." A recognisable voice caused a gasp from the surrounding ponies. I felt Rainbow get tugged off my face. I opened my eye to see Rainbow suspended in midair by a shiny golden glow.

Noticing the source I waved a tentacle at her. "Oh hi Sunbutt, how's it going?"
> A Conversation Between a Princess and a God, or Lyra scares the Hell out of me. (Edited)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everypony froze, even the kids, as the glow around Rainbow shattered and she fell to the ground with a wumph. I glanced down at Dinky revealing that She was staring at me wide-eyed, with her jaw hanging open in shock. "Dad... You just insulted the Princess..."

"So? I'm a God, what can she do to me?" I nonchalantly waved a tentacle through the air.

"She caaaaan......" Dinky's response died as her face fell to a look of deep thought.

Glancing back over at the alabaster alicorn, I couldn't help but love the look of shocked surprise on her face. Yeah try and Royal Face that one off Princess. Then she started to shake oh.... This could be either very good or very bad...

"AH HA HA HA HA !" Her composure shattered as she broke down laughing. That caught everypony off guard. Everypony blinked stupidly. I simply chuckled quietly. Good, be a person Tia.

"Not much squid-face, just Twilight panicking... again." Celestia managed as she got her giggles under control. Once again, shock. Only this time I was included.

I blinked.... Wat....

A deep chuckle rumbled deep in my throat. "Eh heh heh heh. Ha ha ha ha. AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!" I threw back my head as I lost it, couldn't help getting the feeling That I'd just thoroughly disturbed everypony. Thankfully I managed to get my maniacal cackling under control. "Eh heh... Sorry everyone... Eh... Everypony... That.. That was just amazing. Celestia, you win."

"Princess Celestia," Dinky emphasized behind me.

I turned to look at her, wishing I could grin. "Tia."

"Princess. Prin-cess." Dinky glared at me looking quite adorable, as always.

"Sunbutt." I stated.

"Ahh!" She snapped in exasperation.

"The more you correct me, the more names I'm going to use. I recommend you stop while you're ahead." I pointed a tentacle at her.

"She rules Equestria dad! You should show her respect." Dinky pouted. Button, Pip, and Pinkie were snickering quietly at us.

"Well I didn't vote for her." I commented. "Also, one she doesn't rule alone, at least she shouldn't, and two I'm treating her like she'd want to be treated, not how everyone else treats her."

"And I thank you for that." Celestia's voice came from right next to me, making me jump.

I instinctively whirled towards her and took a step back. "HolyShitNinja!" I snapped.

"Dad language! Pinkie Pie is right there!" Dinky furiously gestured at the giggling Pinkie. "Do you want to hear Pinkie use that kind of Language?!"

I blinked, thought a moment, and used a hand to rub my facial tentacles in thought. "Honestly yes. That would be hilarious."

"How am I more of an adult than you?" Dinky face hoofed.

Celestia giggled quietly. "So mister..."

"Eldritch for now." I said turning to her. "I assume you're here because of Twilight's letter?'

"I am indeed." Celestia nodded. "Apparently, Twilight cannot leave her library."

"Oh right... I think I might have done a thing... like channeling my Godhood to make Twilight leave." I awkwardly rubbed the back of my head with a tentacle. "I have no idea how  I did it." I furrowed my brow in thought. "Hmmmm. Twilight, you're free! You can come out now!" My voice rumbled, reverberating through the air, and causing everypony to shiver. I got  a weird a feeling like my stomach was filled with slithering snakes.

"So, that's what you did...." Celestia mused. Her face looked somewhere between intrigued and disturbed.

"That should do it. I think..." I nodded. Just then, out of the library came Twilight, looking quite shaken. Immediately her friends ran up to her "Dinky, Button, Pip would you mind staying out here while Celestia and I talk?"

"But daaaaaad!" Dinky whined. Celestia blinked dumbly at that, looking between me and Dinky.

"Sure/No problem." Button and Pip responded in unison.

"No buts Dinky." I put my hands on my hips. "This is important. Like I need to convince Tia here, not to try, and fail, at killing me kind of important."

"Fine." She pouted, scuffing the dirt with a hoof.

"Now you be a good filly Dinks, see if you can get through to Twilight for me." I knelt down and hugged her then stood up and looked at Celestia, who was looking at me critically like I was a puzzle she couldn't figure out. "This way if you please." I gestured towards the door, and Tia and I walked towards the door. I noticed that unlike other ponies, Celestia was only a little shorter than me. As we got to the door I held up a hand to stop Tia. "Hmm, I may need a sec in there. I left Lyra alone in there... and that has me worried... She was asleep, but I don't know if she stayed that way.

"Oh really? what happened?" Celestia cocked her head to the side, causing her flowing mane to waft out in all directions before settling. "That is perfectly fine of course."

"Eh, Lyra had an... extreme reaction to me. Have you heard of H.P. Coltcraft?" I asked, hand on the doorknob.

"I have. He was a brilliant author, but he didn't like mares that much. Even me. His work made up for it somewhat however." I narrowed my eyes at her. Was she messing with me? She was one-thousand-some years old.... She gave me an innocent smile.

"I'll be right back. If you hear screaming, don't worry about it." I turned back towards the door.

"I'm sure Lyra will be fine." Celestia replied.

"I meant me." I opened the door and stepped through.

Immediately the door slammed shut behind me, leaving me in almost total darkness. I could see silhouettes in varying shades of gray however.  What the.... I had lights on... I glanced around. The air was still and silent. Okay.... this is worrying. I turned and looked down the hallway leading into the living room, through the mentioned living room, and into my room. There was the silhouette of a pony in the doorway. A Lyra silhouette. "Hey.... Lyra... You doin okay?"

A pair of gold glows lit up her face.

Well...... That's not normal......

Then more golden dots sprung up all over her body.  It took me a moment to realise that they were all glowing eyes. Ooooooh....... Shit. A purple glow engulfed her horn and a cheshire grin split her face, filled with sharp teeth. "Welcome home lover." It was still her voice but distorted with an echo like mine. suddenly she seemed to shimmer with static and disappear.

Son of a dickwaffle! She pulled a Slender! FUCK!

Did I cause this? Probably? Was it because of the boop? Don't know!

Okay Eldritch calm down, what can she really do to you? I slowly walked through the kitchen, glancing around. I heard maniacal giggles all around me. She Shanghaied my house didn't she?

"I couldn't wait to meet you properly...." Her voice came from everywhere. Fuuuuuuuuuuu! Of course she would misconstrue the note!

"Listen, Lyra I can fix this..." I began slowly.

"Why would I want you to fix it? You've given me what I've always wanted." She voice cooed from right next to me. I whirled but she wasn't there.

"What? Power?" I asked the air.

"Nope. TENTACLES!" The room shook with the shout as black tentacles lashed around my wrists ankles. Before I could react I was lifted off the ground. My vision swam briefly until I was looking down at the Eldritch-Lyra below me, holding me up by the black tentacles that burst out from her withers. She grinned up at me giving me bedroom eyes. "Sooooo what am I going to do with you?"

"U-um, put me down? Please?" I stammered a little.

"Oh sure thing!" She chirped as she swiftly set me down. Instantly, like power coming back on after a power outage, all the lights turned back on. I was momentarily blinded as I felt Lyra's tentacles let me go. I blinked to spots from my eyes and looked down to see Eldritch-Lyra rolling on the floor laughing her head off. I blinked stupidly, completely stunned.

"Ummmm.... Wat." I blurted.

"Ah ha, heh, Sorry couldn't resist." Lyra said getting up as all the Eldritch-ness appears to melt back into her body. "I just had to prank you. You know, reverse of most horror movies and novels, the monster is stalked by the heroine." She grinned up at me.

"I am so lost right now..." I said dumbly.

"Well, here's my theory, disprove it if you want. Your boop unintentionall made me your servant, herald, champion, what-have-you. Now normally This would be bad, but I think since you're not a malicious Elder Being, I didn't get corrupted. I'm still me... Just Bonus-Me." She bounced on her hooves. "See. Eldritch turns on, Eldritch turns off. Eldritch turns on, Eldritch turns off." She said as she quickly shifted between Eldritch and Normal forms, before settling on the normal form.

"How are you doing that? Hell! How can you control it so easily?" I sputtered in shock.

"No idea! I love it though! Oh Bonny's going to love this! Now we can make our roleplay that much more real!" She blushed, her tail swishing back and forth.

"Ummmm, Don't wanna know." I coughed awkwardly.

"Oh where are my manners." Lyra giggled at herself. She raised a hoof. "Lyra Heartstrings, your new Herald."

I took it and shook it. "Eldritch... at least until I think up a better name."

"Nice to meet you. Eldritch, I like it. It suits you." Lyra nodded in agreement.

"Nice to meet you too." I said, slowly processing what the hell I just went through.

"Now, if i heard right, you have a Princess to talk to." Lyra grinned up at me, stood up, and walked over to the front door. "Have a nice talk and I will see you later boss. I have a Bon Bon I need to eat." With that she looked at the door, it opened, and she prance out, happily humming.

I simply stared at where Lyra had just been. Then I gagged, my brain catching the joke that Lyra had left me with. I slowly facepalmed. I was tired.

I briefly heard hooves, then I heard Lyra whisper just inches from me. "If you didn't get it, that means I'm going to go down on my marefriend."

"I got it Lyra... Thanks." I groaned, not looking up and doing my best to suppressed the oncoming mental imagery.

"Okay, had to make sure. Later!" She said giggling mischievously. Once again, I heard hooves as Lyra left.

"Hello? Eldritch? Is everything okay?" Celestia called. I lowered my hand to see Celestia peeking into the apartment at me.

"Yeah, just... tired... haven't had much time to slow down." I sighed. "Come on in, sit where you please. I'm sure you have questions."

"Why thank you." Celestia smiled and trotted in. the door shut behind her as she walked into the living room and proceeded to take a seat in my wingback chair. I took a couple steps and flopped onto the couch.

"This is comfortable. Little Dinky is right. You are a nerd." She giggled.

"It is, it's comfy." I agreed. "So... questions."

"Eh-hem. Yes." She fluttered her wings before letting them settle. Her smile faded to a frown. "What did you do to Miss Heartstrings?"

"Okay, not starting off easy...." I groaned as i sat up straight. "To answer your question Celestia, I have no idea. I don't know how to use whatever Beyond-Time-and-Space power I have. Our, Lyra's and mine, best guess is that I turned her into my Herald. As far as I can tell she seems fine. Like she's still herself, but.... I'm still me, just Bonus Me, to quote Lyra herself. Hell, she pranked me by taking over my apartment briefly."

"Hmmmmm." Celestia mused looking concerned and a tad irritated. "I'll be watching her as well as you."

"I'd expect you to." I nodded. "It helps that her girlfriend's a secret agent."

Celestia was caught off guard. Her eyes widened. "What?!"

"Bon Bon, also-known-as Special Agent Sweetie Drops, formerly of a monster hunting division of some kind." I stated matter-of-factly.

"How do you know about that ?" Celestia narrowed her eyes at me. In response, I gestured to all of me. "Ah... Right. Well, Eldritch do you know what you did to my student? More importantly, why did you do what you did to my student?"

"Did you hear the part where I don't know how to use my powers? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm pretty sure most of what I do is on Eldritch Horror instinct. I would love to learn how to control it." I slumped into the couch. "I wasn't this yesterday. Yesterday my apartment wasn't in Ponyville. I was just a nerd. A small white human who liked to write, collect things and show off his nerdiness. In fact I was a bit of a recluse."

"Ah, I thought you'd might've been similar to a human." Celestia nodded. "I'm sorry that you've had to go through being changed."

I shrugged. "Why cry about something that I have no control over? Hey, maybe now I can have some actual friends, get out of the house a little more."

"You seem to have made some friends already if Twilight's friends are anything to go by." Celestia smiled warmly at me, patting me on the shoulder with a hoof.

"No, I made them laugh. There's a difference." I pointed at her. "I would love to make friends, but I want to make friends my way. I don't want to be forced into Twilight's little gang so I can learn The Magic of Friendship. I want real relationships. So far you've given me more of a reason to be friends than Twilight has. On our first meeting, Twilight accused me of wanting to hurt Dinky. Then, after I told her Dinky would be okay, Twilight tried to teleport into my house directly. I think she slammed into my door because of that. When I went to open the door I calmly told her she didn't have to worry because she'd already contacted you. Finally, I told her to go home. I guess I channeled a bit of Godhood when I did, because I'm guessing she couldn't leave once there." I took a breath after my monolog. "To return to the friends' thing. I think so far all I've got is Dinky, Button, Pip, and probably Lyra. And you too, if you want someone to talk to or hang with or something." I shrugged.

Celestia simply stared at me for a moment looking stunned. Then she shook herself. "You are an intriguing one Eldritch."

"I try." I chuckled.

"What else do you intend to do here?" She asked, noticeably relaxing.

I shrugged once again. "Maybe get a job. Heh, that would look amazing. Anyway, in all seriousness, just live. Interact with people... Er, ponies... and get to know them. perhaps even interfere in events I may or may not know are coming. I don't know how much I can take as fact from what I've seen."

Celestia looked curious. "And what have you seen?"

In response I turned on the T.V. and the PS4, then browsed through my videos until I found what I was looking for. "This for one."



Celestia gasped at the video. Then, thankfully started cackling like a madmare at it.

"The only response I'll give you as to how is Multiverse Theory." I said through my own laughter.

"Ah ha... ha... Oh that was marvelous. I personally don't care about questions like how and why in situations like this. I have enough on my plate as it is." Celestia sighed, leaning back into the chair.

"I bet you do." I nodded. "How's your sister by the way."

"Ugh..." She groaned. "Only recently back from the moon after one-thousand years, and what does she do? Sit in her room and play video games."

"HA!" I barked. "That sounds like me."

Celestia gave me a devious look. "Say, she does sound like you. How would you like to help me by getting her out of her room and having her interact with ponies once again?"

"Eh... sure?" I felt nervous for some reason. Lord, she better not be trying to set me up with Luna. Dinky was bad enough. If she did try however, I would counter by making MoonLight happen.

"Wonderful." Celestia beamed, getting up from the chair. I got up with her and we walked to the door. "We need to stay in touch Eldritch. This was actually quite nice." She said, the doorknob suddenly glowing with her magic.

"Indeed it was." I nodded as Celestia pushed the door open and we stepped out into the sunlight. Twilight was with her group of friends. Dinky, Button, Pip were near the door, it looked like they were trying not to look suspicious. Probably were listening in. Lyra wasn't too far away, talking animatedly with Bon Bon (who looked almost unsurprised at what she was hearing) and a shocked looking Derpy. Daaaw! Derpy's adorable!

"WHAT!?" Derpy suddenly cried out, startling everyone. "HE WAS GOING TO DO WHAT!?"

Then Derpy's eyes locked onto me. Both of them.

Oh.... Shiiiit....

"Well it's been fun. Talk to you later." Celestia giggled and disappeared in a flash of teleportation.

"GRAAAAGH!" Derp erupted off of the ground with a thunderclap of air, knocking away Bon Bon and Lyra, and flew right at me.

Everything inside me told me one thing.

This was going to hurt.

A lot.
> A Mother's Wrath, or Derpy mishears something and punches me in the face. (Edited)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shit! Dodge Idiot, Dodge!

I yelped as I leaped out of the way, only for the gray wrecking ball of rage to fly past me. She collided with my house hard enough for the black substance, whatever it was, to crack. My head swam as if I'd just been hit in the head with a baseball bat. Also, my ears were ringing. Joy! I staggered away and barely looked back in time to see Derpy kick off the wall with a visible shockwave to take another flying swing at me.

Suddenly music erupted into the air. For the second time that day, I heard Leviathan. I really didn't have time to contemplate why I was hearing it, due to only narrowly dodging Derpy's second attempt at hitting me. She sailed past me and went through the wall of the library, just to the left of the front door, with a resounding crash.

Everypony was staring at me, only occasionally glancing at the hole Derpy made.  I looked over at Lyra. "What the FUCK did you say to her?!" I snapped, every so often glancing at the hole in case Derpy erupted out of it.

"I was trying to tell her about Dinky and My first meeting with you at the same time... and I... accidentally may have switched around a thing or two..." Lyra said weakly rubbing the back of her head with a forehoof. "What's that music by the way? Did you hijack a Harmony Song?"

"I have no idea, and I didn't know that Harmony Songs were a thing. The first time I heard this Arthur got in a knock-down-drag-out with a giant tentacled monster. The monster DIED by the way! Arthur knocked out a tooth that got compressed into a dagger if I remem-" I got cut off as I got shoulder-checked by Derpy. Which sent me sailing through the air, to slam into my house. The weird thing, it actually hurt! A lot! I think I heard a few ribs break. Yet I also felt them weaving back together as I slid to the ground gasping for air.

"Oh... she caught you monologging..." Lyra hissed.

"Dad run! She'll tire herself out!" Dinky cried. glancing over I saw all the ponies had huddled together, Dinky's head was poking out from between Lyra's forelegs.

I listened to the wise little filly. I got to my feet, hearing more pops and cracks than I was comfortable with, and once again yelped in surprise. For the third consecutive time in a row, I narrowly avoided Derpy as her hoof went right past my head, and impacted the apartment behind me. Not only did it crack the black stony substance, but my ears began ringing again! Now I know that the apartment and I are connected somehow, but I should really worry about that later.

I pushed away from the wall, going around Derpy because her hoof got stuck in the wall. "You get back here!" She snapped, tugging at her hoof and giving me brief twinges of headaches. I then proceeded to haul ass down the road, away from the furious gray pegasus. However I could tell, with a final painful twinge, that Derpy had pulled herself free. As I ran, the music changed. I would've laughed, were it not for the fact that I could feel Derpy coming after me. What had Lyra said? 

It didn't take long, I honestly didn't know how fast I was running, to more from the residential area of Ponyville into the market. Ponies immediately scattered the moment they saw me. Screaming things like. "Celestia what is that!?" and "The Horror! The Horror!" I heard the buzz of static and Eldritch-Lyra was next to me. Flying.... Somehow.

"Hey boss." Lyra commented nonchalantly, effortlessly floating next to me like it was no big deal.

"Lyra, are you flying?" I asked while weaving in and out of stalls and booths. I heard said stalls and booths explode as Derpy went right through them. Man, that would be so awesome to see. Shut up! Keep running!

Lyra almost lazily looked down. "Yeah."

"How!?" I snapped.

"Idunknow." She shrugged. "I just can."

"Lord, you're like a mini-Discord." I groaned.

"A mini-what?" All of her eyes blinked in confusion. "Anyway, sorry about this."

"Eh, I can't be mad at you. With the way the day's been going so far, I'm not surprised it happened." I sighed, briefly ducking behind a stall when I couldn't hear Derpy's path of destruction. Lyra joined me, floating a foot or two above the ground with her forelegs crossed.

"Awww, thanks boss." She hugging me with all eight of her limbs. Octo-Lyra-pus?

"You're welcome." I ruffled her mane. "So, what are we going to do about Derpy?"

"Hmmm, you could always fight her." Lyra tapped her chin in thought with a hoof that had sprouted a lamprey-like maw filled with rows of teeth. 

"I'm not going to hit Derpy! She's adorable!" I flailed my arms and tentacles wildly. "Plus she female! Hitting her would be sexist!"

"Wouldn't it be more sexist not to hit her?" Lyra cocked her head to the side all her eyes looking mischievous.

"I'm not hitting her! You're my Herald! You hit her!" I snapped pointing at her.

"I'm not taking away aggro from that." Lyra shook her head. "This is your boss fight."

"Once again, you are my Herald. If it's my boss fight, it's your boss fight too." I pointed out.

She opened her mouth to respond but no sound came out. She deflated, floating to the ground with a wumph. "Damn, you're right."

I nodded, then my face fell. "Lyra.... have you noticed how quiet it's been?"

"....yeeeaaaah.... That's not a good sign..." Lyra visibly shivered, glancing around nervously.

Suddenly the stall behind us exploded. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Derpy burst through the wood and cloth like a chest burster. The world seemed to lose color, everything fading to shades of gray. Slowly the color faded to black, leaving Derpy as the only thing illuminated. I could see every bead of sweat on her body, every line in her rage-etched face. For some reason the kanji for Death had erupted in red behind her, as her forehoof achingly slowly came towards my face.

And that Dinky.... is how I met your mother...

The hoof made contact at the bridge between my eye and my face tentacles. I felt the shockwave of the impact ripple through my head only briefly, before my vision was filled with stars and my everything erupted in pain. I vaguely got the feeling of flying through the air, and equally vaguely had the feeling of going through a rather thick wall. I heard a feminine scream. Only it sounded like it was far away... or under water. I groaned and blearily blinked away the stars. I was in an office. Looking to my left I was it was Mayor Mare's office, due to the fact that Mayor Mare was cowering behind her desk.

Derpy had punched me all the way to the center of town. Go Derpy. Yay.....

I sat up with an audible groan as I heard the flapping of wings. Looking over revealed Derpy hovering just outside the hole, still looking furious. "How dare you touch my daughter!" She hissed, slowly hovering closer to me.

"What... I didn't..." I stammered, pushing myself to my feet, and staggering slightly.

"Lyra told me what you did!" She roared at me. 

"I.... didn't do anything... to Dinky..." I tried to shake the stunned feel out of my head.

She was inches from me when my left knee decided to say "fuck it, I'm done" and crumpled. I reached out and brushed against Derpy. My eye went wide as my mind was flooded with one image.

Dinky cowering against a wall, shuddering and crying. A thin black silhouette with writhing tentacles loomed over her.

I recoiled hard enough to fall back into the pile of wall remains behind me. I felt tears sting my eye as they flowed down my face and dripped from my tentacles. "Oh God! Oh Jesus! I would never- No! No no no no no! I-I d-didn't-" I gagged but my stomach was empty. Good thing I didn't eat breakfast.

"Mom! Stop!" I heard Dinky cry out. "Don't you hurt Daddy!"

Blinked through tears I saw Dinky to my left with Eldritch-Lyra behind her. Good on you Lyra.... You got backup... If you'd only got her a minute or two earlier.

"Dinky get away from-" Derpy cried as Dinky ran in front of me to stand between her mother and I. "Wait... did you call him daddy?" Derpy blinked, rage gone, replaced by confusion.

"Daddy didn't do anything to me!" Dinky cried flailing her forehooves. "I brought him muffins, we looked at his house, we argued with Twilight Sparkle, He let me in his apartment, I played his PS4, and we hung out with Button and Pip. That's it. Lyra," she pointed a hoof at Lyra, "was the one coming on to daddy. Which dad was not into. Tartarus, when she passed out on his doorstep he took her inside so she could sleep in his bed. Even then he didn't do anything to her either. He's a nice guy. Which is why he's my daddy. He a nerd and loves all the stuff we love mom! So stop hurting him Celestia Damnit!"

"Dinky Language!" Derpy and I snapped in unison. Both of us blinked and looked at each other briefly before Derpy turned her attention back to her daughter. She floated down to the ground and stood before her daughter.

"So... he didn't touch you...?" Derpy asked weakly, finally looking spent after all she'd gone through. She was breathing heavily and was matted with sweat. Her legs were shaking and her right forehoof looked slight and was lightly bleeding. the toll of punching an Elder God.

"No mom, gross! Like I would allow that to happen!" Dinky snapped, stamping a hoof. "Now apologize to Eldritch for hurting him!" She thrust a hoof in my direction.

Derpy blinked at her daughter, then slowly nodded. She weakly trudged over to me and held out a hoof. Said hoof was the damaged one, and it shook from exertion. I took it and amazingly, she helped me stand. "Uh.... S-sorry for hitting you..." She said weakly. "I-I can get a little over protective."

"Bleh.." I groaned, popping my entire back. "It's perfectly understandable... You're a great mother for being so protective..."

"Thanks..." She blushed a little and looked away momentarily, only to look back up at me again moments later. "So.... Daddy?"

"Heh heh.." I chuckled, slowly feeling my strength returning slowly. "Devious filly, reverse adopted me. I really didn't have a choice.."

"I don't think this was the way she've wanted us to meet." Derpy smiled.

"Nope. Not at all." I shook my head. "This day has just been... stupidly busy. Honestly I would've prefered to meet you when you got home from work."

"Too late for that now." Derpy chuckled weakly.

"Hey mom, you should have heard what he said to Twilight after she freaked out for the first time." Dinky said, coming up to the both of us.

Derpy looked at her daughter. "Later muffin, I think daddy and I are both tired." She shot me a tired but amused glance.

"Awww, okay." Dinky wilted slightly.

"Ummmm.... is it safe to come out now?" I looked over to see Mayor Mare peeking out from behind her desk.

"Yes Mayor, and I apologise from the bottom of my heart. If there's anything I can do to fix this let me know." I said nodding at her.

"He lives in the ominous black box across the street from the library. You can't miss it." Dinky chirped, causing me to chuckle. Nice callback Dinky. Way to go.

"Oh, well I'll be sure to consider it." Mayor Mare stood up properly. "Now... can you please leave? Apparently, I have to now organize a cleanup crew."

"Oh, of course." I nodded.

"I can get you home." Lyra grinned, trotting up to us and putting a tentacle on each of us."

"Wait, wha-" I was cut off as I heard the buzz of static, felt a briefly feeling like being squeezed through a straw, then I blinked and we were outside my apartment.

However.... there were quite a few gasps and yelps of surprise, due to the dozens of ponies in and around my house. Pinkie Pie and Vinyl Scratch were even on top of my apartment, somehow managing to get a DJ booth up there. Which just so happened to be blasting music.

My eye twitched. I was.... less than pleased.

"WHO ARE YOU ALL PEOPLE AND WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!"
> An Unwanted Party, or WHO ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE?! (Edited)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I slumped immediately after my outburst, feeling spent. The party went dead silent with an audible record scratch. I heard more than a few awkward coughs, as well as numerous murmurs of different conversations within the crowd. Pinkie grinned at me from atop my apartment.

My eye twitched, as did my tentacles.

"Is that what the party is for?"

"Didn't that thing attack little Dinky?"

"What is that thing?"

I took slow, deep breaths in and out.

"Hey, Dritchy! Welcome to your Welcome to Ponyville Party!" Pinkie Pie appeared in front of me. I didn't even jump. I simply looked down at her and blinked sleepily. 

"Hmmm." I hummed almost emotionlessly. I was too tired for this. I looked down at Derpy, Dinky, and Lyra. Lyra looked somewhat shocked. Dinky looked nervous and huddled close to my leg. Lastly, Derpy just looked worn out. I shook my head ad sighed. "Sorry for my outburst." I called out to all of them. "Have fun and enjoy the party, and if anypony steals anything, I will be very cross. I'm going to bed." Pinkie visibly wilted. I took a step towards the apartment, froze, then turned back towards my three companions. "Feel free to come in if you want. Though if Derpy's anything to go by you may want to just rest." I closed my eye for a moment, took a breath, opened it, turned around and strode into my apartment. The moment I did, ponies fled the apartment. Thankfully the door slammed behind them.

The apartment was a mess. The kitchen was trashed, books and figures were strewn about the living room and even my room's bed was a mess. I stared at the mess and started shaking, once again trying to take slow deep breaths. I did my damnedest to not start cleaning the place immediately. That'd just make me grouchy and even more tired than I already was. I pulled my cell out of my pocket and brought it up. I scrolled through the music's playlist. I found a certain song and pushed play. Instantly I felt chills as my body relaxed. I strode into the living room, switched the song on to repeat, set it on the table and finally sat on the floor. Well... less sat and more collapsed onto my ass.

I sighed as I flopped onto my back. Instantly finding that uncomfortable, I rolled onto my side. As the music played I slowly began patting the ground with my hands, alternating left to right. I closed my eye as the stresses of the day  began to seep out of me.

And then the door opened.

Music erupted into the apartment, shattering my meditation.

I sighed and rolled over to face the door as said door closed, cutting off the overly loud dubstep. At least they're having fun out there. Dinky, Derpy, and Lyra were standing in my kitchen.

"Sorry dad..." Dinky said weakly. "Mom had something she wanted to say. Then we'll leave... I promise."

"Yeah... I may stay in here a bit... I got in a fight with Bon Bon." Lyra said weakly. "Sorry."

"Come on in..." I shrugged lazily. "Don't expect me to move though."

Lyra came in and hopped up onto my wingback chair. She was followed by Derpy, who slowly and nervously moved up to sit on the floor right next to the chair that Lyra sat in, essentially only a couple feet from me. Dinky, being Dinky, decided that the most comfortable place would be curling up next to my stomach. I had no problem with any of it. I gently patted Dinky. She in turn, nuzzled my hand like a cat.

I looked over at Derpy with a half-lidded gaze. "You have something to tell me?"

"Ye-yeah. I do." Derpy looked unsure.

"It's okay mom." Dinky encouraged softly.

"I know muffin." Derpy smiled warmly at Dinky, took a slow breath in, let it out, then looked at me. "Saying I'm sorry isn't enough. I attacked you without provocation and without any evidence or real proof. All I had to go on was misinformation from Lyra." She shot a glare at the aforementioned unicorn, who shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Derpy returned her attention to me and continued. "I know this isn't an excuse for me to attack you, but the thought of anything happening to my little muffin..." She teared up and sniffled. "She's all I have left. The thought of something like you-."

"Mom, don't be racist." Dinky warned.

Derpy giggled dryly, wiping away a stray tear with a wingtip. "Heh, you're right. Sorry."

"Eh, don't worry about it." I shook my head, gesturing a tentacle noncommittally.

"Alright... if you're sure..." Derpy slowly nodded. "I... I let my imagination run away with me... and I reacted because you represent what my mind most feared."

"I know... I saw..." I said, shuddering as my stomach twisted from the memories.

All three stared at me. "You... what?" Derpy asked.

"When I fell and brushed against you. I saw what you most feared. Call it telepathy or call it Eldritch Mind Powers, I saw what you saw me as..." I felt my stomach heave and I clenched my abs in response.

"So that's why you recoiled..." Derpy's eyes widened. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"No, I'm sorry... Ugh... This day has just been a mess." I sighed.

"Stop it," Derpy still sounded sad, only this time I could tell it was for me. "I attacked you." She sniffled again. "You're allowed to be angry."

"Dad, you have a right to be mad at mom." Dinky's eyes stared in mine.

"I don't get angry." I sighed, glancing between Derpy and Dinky.

Both of them stared at me in confusion. Derpy was going to say something but Lyra cut her off. "If we're apologising about stuff... Then I've got something to apologize for too..."

"Oh really?" Damn, I wished I had a second brow to raise. Curse you, you mono-eyed cyclops! Wait....

"Yeah... I kinda just left you to get pummeled, aaaaand before that I argued with you, and I didn't help you with Derpy in the first place...." Lyra said weakly, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof.

"Well, Derpy was after me. You actually didn't have to do anything." I pointed out.

"But as you said. You're my Herald." She did a passable impression of me. "I should have done something to help."

"You did eventually go get Dinky." I replied blandly.

"Dammit Eldritch! Get Mad!" Lyra snapped. "You're allowed to be angry at us! It's seriously worrying me that you're not!"

"You said, you don't get angry. Why?" Dinky looked at me with a mixture of concern and curiosity.

I groaned, rolling my eye. Then I sighed. "I guess I could tell you a little about myself." That got their attention. All of it. "Now I'm going to preface this. Before today I was a human." Derpy and Dinky blinked, clearly confused. I however I looked directly at Lyra when I said that.

Lyra and I stared at each other. "What?" Lyra asked with a raised brow.

I blinked. "Huh... I was expecting a bigger reaction." I mused aloud.

"Why? Eldritch Horror kinda beats human in my book. Just by a bit though." Lyra rolled her eyes with an overly dramatic groan.

"Well huh...." I shrugged.

"Ummmmm. Dad. what's a human?" Dinky cocked her head to the side in confusion.

"You know your hunter in Bloodborne?" I asked

Dinky face hoofed. "Oh... duh, probably should have guessed that."

"So.... What's a human?" Derpy asked, looking very lost.

"A pink mostly hairless ape-like creature." Lyra and I said in unison.

"Pound it." I reached out with a tentacle. Lyra went Eldritch-Mode and bro-hoofed my tentacle with hers.

"Okay, I think I can imagine that." Derpy nodded.

"Let me just have you over when I get Dinky to play Skyrim. Then you'll see what humans can look like." I chuckled.

"So... what's being a human have to do with you not getting angry?" Lyra asked crossing her forelegs over her chest and raising an inquisitive brow.

"Oh being a human has nothing to do with it... I think... I just wanted to see you react." I pointed a tentacle at her.

"Celestia.... Why does everypony think I have a thing for humans?!" Lyra Snapped in exasperation.

"Mainly for their hands." I nodded.

"Tentacles or Get The F*** Out." Lyra stated.

I blinked. "Did you just bleep yourself?"

"Yeah, what the f***'s it to you?" She grinned.

"Hey! We're kinda getting off-topic, and I'm really curious! Dad, start talking!" Dinky poked me in the chest with a hoof.

"Sorry..." Lyra and I said in unison.

I sighed, looked down at Dinky and patted her mane. "Okay... So I don't get angry because I had... no, still have some anger issues."

"Okay, how bad are we talking?" Lyra asked.

"Like I'd blow my top and wreck shit, kind of anger. See, I suffer from Intermittent Explosive Disorder, at least I'm pretty sure I still do. What that means is, when I get angry, I get really angry. Like, you're getting a number of my stored up fucks, kind of anger." I sighed and looked at Derpy. who had oddly been silent. "Apologies for the swearing by the way."

"I'll give you a pass." Derpy said, sounding down.

"Thanks." I nodded at her. "It's just with I.E.D. you're fine one minute, then something triggers you. Like you have one bad reaction and you become..."

"A rage monster intent on beating the ever-living shit out of a tentacle monster for daring to touch your daughter..." Derpy said in almost a whisper, looking down at the floor.

I blinked. My eye widened. 

She understood.....

I reached out and grabbed her. She yelped as I pulled her into a hug, squishing Dinky between us, but she didn't seem to mind. Derpy struggled briefly, before relaxing and accepting the embrace. I felt tears staining her cheeks. "I-I let my anger get the better of me, and I-I h-hurt you." She sniffled, her breaths hitching.

"Shhh, it's okay I got better. I forgive you." I said softly. Dinky squirmed out from between us and laid over the two of us in a hug.

"W-why?" Derpy hiccuped.

Because I need to remain calm, and if I don't I will literally destroy the very ground you walk on, kill Celestia, Luna, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, and Full-Power Tirek in less than 3 minutes, and nothing will be able to stop me.

"Because you're too cute to be mad at." I nodded sagely. I could feel her blushing.

"Soon..." I heard Dinky whisper.

"Well... That's certainly cheerful..." Lyra sighed. "So!" She clapped her hooves. "Can we move on to happier things? Please?"

"Of course." I nodded, then looked to at Derpy. "You want me to let you go?"

"Ummm.. No?" Derpy looked up, blushing and blinking her misaligned eyes. 

Hnnng! Ow... My heart!

I looked back to Lyra before my heart exploded. "What do you want to know?"

"Well.... What did you.... as a human?" Lyra asked awkwardly.

"You're bad at this." I responded flatly. "Well, what do you expect. I didn't do anything important really. I worked at a restaurant to pay for all of my nerdy addictions. I didn't have many friends when I was younger because I really didn't like talking to people. Which changed little when I got older."

"How old are you?" Derpy asked.

"Eh..... Twenty... Six?" I said slowly.

"Twenty-six." Lyra shrugged.

"Eleven." Dinky chirped.

"Ummmm.... Twenty... Seven..." Derpy said awkwardly. Well huh... Wait... She had Dinky when she was Sixteen? That's... depressing...

"Huh, well cool. What else do you want to know?" I asked.

"What's your favourite nerdy thing?" Dinky asked. 

"Ummmm..... Can't decide between Blizzard, Bethesda, My Little Pony." I used a tentacle to tap my facial tentacles in thought. "And I know you won't get any of those-"

"What's My Little Pony?" Lyra asked looking very confused.

I froze.

SHIT! I should not have mentioned that!

"Well... it would be easier to show you...." I said slowly. I wrapped a tentacle around Dinky, then lifted Derpy and myself off of the floor using the other three. I proceeded to spider-walk over to the couch and pull us onto it, leaving Derpy in my lap, and Dinky in Derpy's lap. Using Tentacles I turned on the T.V. and PS4.

Hmmmm, what to choose as a video. Ah... How about this...



Derpy watched, looking confused. Lyra and Dinky, however, were giggling at it. Well good.

"What was that?" Derpy asked.

"The only answer you need Derpy is..... Multiverse Theory!!!" Lyra nodded sagely.

"Well yeah, it would make sense that out there somewhere is a world where we're some cute form of entertainment." Dinky also nodded sagely.

"Good, you understand," I looked down at Derpy, "somewhat. Can we not spread this around? I don't want Twilight busting in and grilling me on this."

"Oh sure." Lyra nodded.

"Okay." Dinky grinned.

"Sure.... I don't think anypony would believe me anyway." Derpy said, still looking a little unsure.

"Good. This has been kinda nice. Just some real low-key time with friends." I sighed contentedly, closing my eye as I relaxed on the couch.

"Hey.... Eldritch... Would you, maybe, like to get dinner sometime?" Derpy said slowly. " I could feel her blush.

My eye snapped open.

Nuclear Panic Attack Detected!

5...

4...

3...

The front door burst open, thankfully shattering my oncoming freak out.

"Hey Dritchy! Where are you? You're missing a great party!" Pinkie Pie's voice erupted from the kitchen among a blast of noise.

I slowly set Derpy and her daughter down next to me on the couch. I stood slowly. 

"Excuse me ladies... I need to murder a ponk." I growled. "And show a DJ what real dubstep is..."
> The Great Ponyville Dubstep War: Eldritch vs. DJ Pon-3 (Edited)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I walked into the kitchen as Vinyl's music assaulted my apartment. Pinkie was sitting in the doorway grinning at me. I lashed out with a tentacle and yanked her into the kitchen proper, closing the door as I did.

"Hiya Dritchy!" She grinned at me as I held her up to eye level. "You're missing your party."

"Pinkie..." I took a slow, deep breath. "You happened to shatter some nice relaxing time with friends. Do you have any regard for privacy?" I thought for a moment. "...or the Laws of Physics for that matter?"

She stretched her head close to mine, in violation of the very laws I'd just spoke of. She cocked her head to the side. "Fuck physics. I'm Pinkie Pie." She giggling, snapping her head back like a rubber band.

"Huuuuuh..." I Sighed. "Pinkie?"

"Yeees?" She giggled playfully.

"I promise I'm not angry, and I'm pretty sure you'll survive this, soooo......" I yanked the door open and threw her out of the apartment. Perhaps a little too hard because she went through the library window. "Opps..." I said stupidly.

By this time Dinky, Derpy, and Lyra had joined me. "That was a bit much."

"I'm a tad... perturbed." I said a little stiffly. I rolled my shoulders and popped my neck. "Okay, time to deal with the DJ that's on top of my house." I took a step, paused, then took a step back to look at the three. "Stay in here if you want. It may get loud." I looked outside. "Eh.. Louder."

"What are you planning?" Lyra asked.

"Mostly musical shenanigans." I shrugged. "I've hijacked the Music of Harmony once on accident. You'd assume I could do it on purpose."

"Go ahead, do what you want. I'm staying here. This music makes my head hurt." Lyra groaned and wandered back into the living room.

"Dinky, you stay-" I began but she cut me off.

"Nope, staying here with Lyra, I prefer nice calming music, compared to that." She gestured a forehoof outside, before she too returned to the living room.

"Well if Lyra's foal-sitting..." I looked to Derpy. "I could go out and have some fun. I don't remember that last time I had a night off."

"Well my lady, the rave awaits." I gestured out the door with a bow. She giggled and I followed her out.

The day was turning to evening and Rave is exactly what was happening. Ponies of many colors were dancing, filling up the whole street like one giant mosh pit. It was no wonder nopony noticed the flying Pinkie, everypony was too into the music. I waded through the crowd, Derpy hovering just above it. When we got a good distance away, I.E. Right in front of Twilight's Library, I turned to face the Dj atop my house.

"Eh-hem." I cleared my throat and pounded my chest with a fist briefly. "VINYL SCRATCH, YOU KNOW NOTHING OF EDM!"

Everything went dead silent as every single pony turned as one to look right at me. I simply folded my arms over my chest and locked my gaze on the DJ. Vinyl slowly removed her shades, revealing her deep red eyes. She looked somewhere between confused, shocked, and horrified. Wait, Terrified, she was terrified. She shook herself and Immediately put her shades back on. "Oh yeah, what do you know squid-face!?" She yelled over the crowd, causing said crowd to laugh.

"You need new material I've already heard that one today." I chuckled. "Let me show you some real Dubstep." I closed my eye and concentrated on a specific song.


Paul Flint - Savage

I got the feeling of slithering snakes in my gut as I felt myself be lifted off of the ground. When the drop hit I snapped my eye open and threw my arms wide. The crowd erupted as Vinyl gave me a slight nod. She flipped a record off of the turntable with her crimson magic and slammed home a new one.


PON3 - Serve 'n' Obey

The blast of sound actually threw me into Twilight's library, simultaneously shattering my concentration and causing my music to cut off. I pushed away from the tree and shook myself. Vinyl was smirking at me. "Oh, you wanna go little mare?" I murmured. "Let's go." I once again concentrated, summoned up another song.


Teminite - Shockwave

This time Vinyl's music was cut off. Now I'd made this a personal challenge. I saw her crack her neck and set herself behind her booth. Her tail lashed wildly as she pinned back her ears, glaring at me behind her shades. Mechanically, she switched tracks.


SCRATON Sic 'Em With Ragga Twins

For a second time, I was thrown into Twilight's Library. I really should apologize about this later. I looked at Vinyl. She had this challenging grin on her face. I looked down, searching for Derpy. I saw her in the crowd, dancing away with everypony else. She was even cute when she danced. How did she do that?

I looked back up at Vinyl. Let's try something a little different. I got a warm feeling that ran through my whole body as I channeled the next song.


Rameses B - I Need You

This song did something different than the others. Instead of immediately cutting off Vinyl's song, it slowly grew. Slowly drowning out Vinyl's. I looked down at Derpy to see how she was doing. I found her staring up at me with a blush of her face. Uh oh.... I might've accidentally done a thing..... While I was distracted, Vinyl had begun returning fire with a vengeance.


Music To My Ears (DJ Pon-3 Remix)

Thankfully this time I was only momentarily stunned. Damn, why did she have to pick the good Pon-3 music? Perhaps it was time to bow out and let the DJ do her thing? Looking back over at Vinyl I noticed she was staring at me. She gave me a small respectful nod. Which I returned. One last song then.


Anki & Tuen - Coming Home

I opened my arms and dipped my head in respect as my song played. As I looked back up at Vinyl she had this mischievous look on her face. Then I noticed that Pinkie was next to her. They both waved at me.

Oh.... Oh no....

Wait.... Did Pinkie just hold a grudge?


Andromulus -Dominions

I hit the tree hard. Finding that I was near the top of said tree, I hit every branch on the way down. At least it felt like I did. I landed in front of the library's front door with a crash. As I moved to get up the door opened, slamming into my face, cracking the wood, and knocking me backwards and onto the ground again.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" Twilight roared from her doorway. Ponies immediately scattered like cockroaches when the light comes on.

"I think it's time to leave." I heard Derpy say as she helped me up.

"ELDRITCH THIS IS YOUR FAULT, ISN'T IT?" I felt a chill run down my spine as I felt Twilight's eyes on me.

"Go. Go go go!" I yelped looking over at Derpy, who herself was looking worried. We weaved our way through the retreating ponies, heading as quick as we could towards my house. I grabbed Derpy pushed through the ponies like a bulldozer, pushing ponies out of the way with my tentacles. With a final push, I got through the madness, burst through my door, slamming it behind me and setting down Derpy on the floor.

Derpy was panting a bit and I took a breath, rubbing the back of my neck.

"So, did you two have fun?" I heard Lyra call from the living room. Glancing at Derpy, who shrugged, we walked into the living room. We walked into the living room together. Lyra and Dinky were sitting on the couch.  A bowl full of Cookie Crisp hovered in front Lyra, and had a spoon halfway to her mouth. Dinky was hovering the PS4 controller in front of her and she was focused on the T.V. On the T.V. was, of course Bloodborne.

"I had fun," Derpy smiled.

"I played some music. I think I might've gained Vinyl's respect," I shrugged.

"Oh, cool," Lyra shrugged and finally shoved the spoon full of cereal into her mouth.

"Hey Dinky, how's it going?" I looked over at the filly.

"Good," She responded flatly.

"How's Bloodborne," I asked.

"Good," Same response.

"Would you like to play something better," I asked, plotting.

She blinked a couple times and looked at me. "Play what?"

"Oh it's the game that started all this..." I chuckled gesturing at the T.V. "Would you like to play Demon Souls?"
> Hanging with Lyra and modifying my house, or I've watched way too much HGTV (Edited)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sat cross-legged in the middle of the street. My arms were folded over my chest.  A cool breeze blew down the street, stirring the trash and various bits of leftover drinks and food that lay strewn about. I did my best to ignore it. Instead, I focused my attention on the black box before me that was ominously illuminated by the dawn light. My sleep the night before had been spotty at best due to listening to the snores of both Lyra (Who stayed over because of her fight with Bon Bon. I should ask about that. See if she’s doing okay.) and Vinyl (Who had retreated into my house to escape a rather irritated Twilight. She hadn’t said much, so I really couldn’t get a read on her.).
“I could really use some coffee.” I grumbled to myself. “Too. Tired. To Brain. For. Work. NEED. COFFEE!" 
-pop-
I blinked as a Starbucks white chocolate double-shot appeared on the ground next to me. Huh. Well that’s nice. I grabbed it with a tentacle, popped the top with a second, inhaled the wonderful smell, and then it hit me.
“How do I drink you?” I asked the can.
“I have no idea.” The voice next to me made me jump.
My head snapped over to see a yawning Lyra sitting next to me. Her tentacles were receding back into her body.
“Heeeeey..... Lyra. How’d you get out here?” I asked as I tried to get my racing heart under control.
“Teleported.” She said, getting up and stretching. “Was too lazy to use the door. What’s that?” She pointed a hoof at the can still held in my grip.
“Caffeine,” I said slowly. “ I don’t know how to drink it though.”
“Hmmm, the tentacles would be a problem. What do you have under there?” Lyra asked with a raised brow.
“No idea. Mind looking for me?” I asked somewhat awkwardly.
“Sure.” She shrugged. “Thankfully I’m your herald so nothing bad should happen.”
I chuckled as I opened my facial tentacles like some kind of demented flower. “So? What do you see?”
“You’ve got a beak under there.” Lyra responded.
I blinked. “What like a squid?”
“Yep.” She said flatly.
“How am I supposed to drink anything?” I asked, somewhat perturbed.
“Get a straw.” She giggled.
I lowered my tentacles. “Very funny.”
“I’m serious.” She gave me a light shove then looked around. “So...... What are you doing’ out here. Trash duty?”
“Eh I have an idea I want to try but I am in dire need of caffeine.” I said getting up with a couple small pops.
“Let’s go to Sugarcube corner. I’m sure they have something you can drink with a straw.” Lyra smirked up at me.
“They’re open this early?” I blinked in surprise.
“Eldritch, it’s eight. Of course they’re open.” Lyra responded flatly. turned away from me, and began trotting away.
“My mind is full of fuck this morning.” I gestured lazily as I followed the mint green unicorn.
“How’s that working out for you?” Lyra glanced over her shoulder at me.
“Ffffuuuuuu.... Blah.” I slumped. “Your snoring didn’t help me sleep much.”
“Yeah.... sorry about that.”	Lyra winced.
“Meh.” I plodded onward.
Lyra slowed down to walk in time with me. “Soooo, you still in the doghouse with Derpy?”
I chuckled, shaking my head. “Yep.”
“Gotta admit, I’ve never seen a filly rage that hard before.” Lyra giggled.
“Ugh.... Two hours.... It took two hours to pull her away from that game. She’s worse than Button.” I rubbed the back of my head. “I may need to Law Speak to stop her from playing for awhile.” 
“Law Speak?” Lyra glanced at me with a raised brow.
“When I do that resonant voice thing, I think I’m imposing my will on the world. In a sense, Speaking Law.” I explained. Strangely, I didn’t seem to see any ponies about while we walked. That must mean that it was to early, or they knew I was coming....  somehow.
“Wait....” Lyra furrowed her brow in thought. “I thought you were a Chaos-based Eldritch Horror?”
“It is a thin line that separates order and chaos.” I chuckled darkly. “I use that line as a jump rope.”
“I see.” Lyra giggled.
We continued on in relative silence. I noted that Lyra was also noticing the lack of ponies. Though she didn’t say anything. This was honestly a little creepy.
Hell, give this place some fog and it could be silent hill.
And then the fog rolled in.
“Mother fucker I wasn’t serious!” I cried, making Lyra jump.
“Whoa! dude, calm down. This was scheduled!” Lyra stopped and put a hoof on my leg.
I froze and look down at her. “Well now I feel like an idiot...”
“What, make some Silent Ponyville joke in your head?” Lyra raised a brow.
“Yes- Wait... Silent Ponyville is a thing here!?” My eye widened.
“Yeah. That game’s super terrifying, not as bad as Fatal Frames though.” Lyra nodded looking thoughtful. “Fatal Frames gave me legitimate nightmares, and I read Coltcraft regularly.”
“I now both love and fear Equestria in equal measure.” I nodded and motioned for us to continue.
“So do I man.” Lyra nodded with me.
As we continued on our way something hit me. The first time Zecora showed up in the show, there was a lot of fog. So... does this mean I’m zecora? Or has that happened already? What if it hasn’t happened yet and we run into a rhyming zebra. How would the rhyming zebra react to me. Does she have Witch Doctor fetishes to ward away evil, I.E. me? Could a zebra make a powerful enough fetish to ward me away? On that thought, could a unicorn ward me away somehow? Could Celestia? If she can’t what’ll everypony do if I go postal? What’ll I do if I go postal?
I felt a poke on my leg again. I looked down to see that Lyra had stopped. “Eldritch, we’re here.” She gestured at Sugarcube Corner.
“Oh... Nice. Sorry I was a million miles away.” I said sheepishly.
“It’s fine. I get stuck in my own brain too sometimes.” Lyra smiled up at me.





The inside of sugarcube corner was as bright and sickeningly sweet as the show portrayed. However the smells were absolutely amazing. I smelled baking cinnamon rolls. I think my tentacles started drooling. One of the first things I noticed once I was over my sugary contact high, was that there were a few ponies here eating breakfast. However when I entered they quickly decided that they’d all left their ovens on at home and swiftly left. Also Misses Cake..... what was her name again? Meh. Anyway. Misses Cake was standing behind the counter smiling at me like I wasn’t a giant purple tentacle monster.
“Good morning dearies, what can I get you?” She said with a accent I was having a hard placing.
I stepped up to the counter. “You are surprisingly chill for having a tentacle monster in your shop.”
“Oh it’s not the first time. Pinkie’s summoned some very nice ones in our basement.” She smiled with a small giggle.
“Wat.” I blinked.
“Wait... Pinkie did what!?” Lyra cried. “And she didn’t tell me?!”
“Well of course I didn’t tell you silly.” Pinkie was suddenly between Lyra and I, which caused both of us to jump. “Do you know how long it takes a Shoggoth to talk through the issues it’s having?” Pinkie Narrowed her eyes at Lyra. “Lyra, you’d just continue the stereotype that all tentacle monsters want is just to bang mares. That’s a falsehood and you should be ashamed!”
Lyra’s mouth was hanging opened.
I was applauding! “Hell yeah! You tell her Pinkie!”
Pinkie spun towards me. “Thanks Dritchy. Here, I made these for you.” Suddenly my tentacles were holding a basket of muffins and a box containing an assortment of cookies. I’m not even going to question it. If Pinkie’s a cultist, or and Elder God herself, I don’t care.
“Pinkie you’re awesome.” I held out a fist and she bumped it.
“Thanks. So are you.” Then Pinkie disappeared. I could hear loud and happy humming coming from the kitchen.
“Well, it seems Pinkie doesn’t have to hold back around you two.” Misses Cake giggled. “Well, I guess all three of you are similar in a way.”
Nope! Not thinking about it! Quickly, browse the menu!
“Hmmmm.... I’ll get a box of the dozen glazed donuts, and a sixteen-ounce white chocolate mocha.” I said somewhat mechanically.
“Yes! I’ll get a Lemon Surprise muffin and I’ll also get a sixteen-ounce white chocolate mocha.” Lyra said as equally stunned as me.
“Sorry, Pinkie can have that effect on people. Even Elder Gods it seems.” Misses Cake said a little sheepishly as she got our food orders. “It’ll be a couple minutes on those drinks. Oh, and I’ll be sure to give yours a straw Mister Eldritch, I know beaks make it hard to drink things the way ponies do.”
After I retrieved our food, Lyra and I stiffly walked over to a booth and virtually collapsed onto the seats. I absentmindedly slid Lyra’s muffin over to her, and we began to eat in silence.
“Lyra.” I said after I’d finished half my box. “Ponyville scares me.”
“Yep.” Lyra nodded. “It has its days.”
“Your drinks are ready.” Misses Cake called from the counter. Lyra and I sighed in unison and got up to get our drinks, I moved my box to my last free tentacle. Wait... I needed revenge on Pinkie..... for being Pinkie and making my brain hurt.
“Hey Pinkie?” I called out.
Without a sound, she was there. “Yes Dritchy?”
“Drink this.” I held out the Starbucks can.
I noticed Lyra’s eyes widen. I’m guessing she knew what that was.
Pinkie yanked the can out of my hand with a hoof and pounded it down in moments.
“Lyra, we should leave.” I swiftly turned around as Pinkie began to crackle with pink lightning.
“Oh good, we're going to get all our baking done early.” Misses Cake said happily as Lyra and I swiftly left the bakery. As we did, I actually dreaded what I’d just unleashed.
“Home! Now!” I stated and I began to run, Lyra following on my heels.





I was once again sitting in the middle of the street with my arms crossed over my chest. Lyra sat next to me. I’d placed the basket of cookies on Twilight’s doorstep and the basket of muffins on Derpy’s. I doubted they would win either of them over. Lyra and I sat in silence, staring at the black box. There was a click and a yawning Vinyl slowly plodded out of the box, shut the door behind her, and trotted over to us.
“Morning.” She mumbled as she sat down on next to me on the side opposite Lyra. She blinked bareilly, looked at Lyra, then me, then look at the box. “What are you doin?”
“Waiting for you.” I said narrowing my eyes at the box.
“Eldritch has an idea.” Lyra explained for me. “He thinks he’s connected to his house in some weird Elder God metaphysical sense. He said he felt it most when Derpy hit it yesterday. Also, that would explain how everything has power and water when his place isn’t linked up to anything. He’s, in essence, passively making things happen.”
Vinyl breathed in a loud snort and adjusted her shades atop her horn. “Huh. So what’s he trying to do?”
“Redecorate.” I stated. I leaned forward. “Cube.”
The box became a equal-sided cube as quickly as I could blink.
“Rectangle.”
The box returned to normal.
“Hmmmmmm. Tower Rectangle.”
Tall tower.
“Green gem at the top.”
It Gained a large green gem on top of it.
“Green runes and lightning.”
The tower now glowed menacingly as green lightning arced around the gem at its’ peak.
“Bring them back my Lord.” I said in a hollow voice.
“What the Tartarus is that?” Vinyl gaped at my creation.
“Don’t you play Warpony forty-k?” Lyra asked.
“No. What’s that?” Vinyl asked.
I tuned out their conversation. Hmmmm time to get creative.
“Inn.”
Suddenly it was an inn right out of D&D.
"Necropolis.”
And now there was a three-story pyramid flying over Ponyville.
I noticed a crowd was starting to form as Lyra began to fill Vinyl in on the things I was turning my house into.
“Dalaran.”
Everything got darker as a massive circle of earth hovered over Ponyville.
I heard the stomping of hooves. Yay. Applause.
“ELDRITCH! WHAT IN TARTARUS ARE YOU DOING?”
Twilight’s scream made me jump to my feet.
“Back to normal!”
I spun around to see a very irate Twilight Sparkle. The previously gather crowd was giving her a wide berth.
“Hey Twilight.” I said a little weakly.
I held something out to her.
“Muffin?”
> Twilight yells at me, Twilight gets a talking to, and I make a more permanent living arrangement. (Edited)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I have had it!” Twilight virtually screamed at me. While disintegrating the muffin with her telekinetic grasp. “Ever since you’ve gotten here, you’ve made my life a living Tartarus!” Twilight looked like some wild animal. Her mane was a mess, as was her coat. Her eyes were bloodshot and her horn sparked erratically.
“I don’t think I’ve been that bad.” I said taken aback by the force of her outburst. Lyra and Vinyl each took a few steps away from me.
“Really?! You’ve foal-napped foals and foal-napped a unicorn! You forced me to stay in my house against my will! You put a bucking muffin on my horn! You turned my friends against me! You did something to the Princess to make her like you! You turned Lyra into a monster!” Twilight ranted and her words began to hit home. I took a couple steps away from her and Twilight seized that opportunity and began to advance.
“Hey I like my tentacles....” I heard Lyra say, sounding offended.
“You did something to little Dinky! Why else would Derpy react like that!? Then the three of you came back like nothing’s wrong! Which has to mean that you did something to poor Derpy too! You ignored Pinkie’s party! Then to top it all off, of all the things you could have done when you decided to join the party, you got in a music fight with a DJ!”
“I-I got you a-apology cookies.” I stammered, feeling my panic begin to rise as I felt tears well up in my eye. “I-I put them on y-your doorstep.” I quickly glanced over to see that the cookie box had been rifled through, but not a single cookie had been eaten.
Was she right? Is this my fault? Have I really done some kind of mind-whammy to force ponies to like me?
“Twilight Sparkle! What the Tentacle-Loving Fuck are you talking about!?” I heard Lyra cry as she leapt in front of me, instantly going Eldritch-Lyra Mode.
Twilight’s eyes snapped to Lyra and one of them twitched. “Lyra, it’s going to be okay. I can find a spell to fix this.”
“I don’t want you to fix this!” Lyra used a couple of tentacles to gesture to all of herself. “I like this! This is the nicest thing anypony has ever done for me! I don’t care if that that’s weird! If you think that something’s wrong with me for liking a giant purple tentacle creature, than fuck you!”
My jaw would have dropped if I had one. I simultaneously noticed two things as Lyra had come to my defense. I was now full on crying, (yay emotional whiplash.) and the crowd that had formed earlier came back to watch this war of words.
“Lyra can’t you see?! It’s done something to you!” Twilight almost sounded pleading. “It turned you into this thing! It made you get into a fight with Bon Bon!”
“Don’t you DARE bring her into this! I got into a fight with Bonnie because she was lying to me! Simple as that!” Lyra shouted then thrust a hoof in my direction. “That is the kindest, sweetest, most caring stallion I have ever met! He didn’t foalnap Dinky! He let her in after she was the only one to talk to him like he was an actual person! I was planning on jumping the poor guy! But I fainted because.... Reasons.... Anyway! He took me in and let me sleep on his bed! He told you to go home after you not only didn’t listen to a word he said, but also because you were being irrational! If you’d have calmed down and thought logically you would have been able to leave!” She reared onto her hind legs and began to pace like a human would. I would have thought it was funny, if her speech wasn’t still making me cry.
I had a friend. I had a friend and she was defending me. I collapsed onto my ass, though I didn’t particularly care.
Lyra continued her systematic breakdown of each of Twilight’s points. “The guy has a sense of humor if you hadn’t noticed! That’s why he put a muffin on your horn! He was being silly in an attempt to help you calm down! Also, he didn’t turn your friends against you! He didn’t do anything! When Rainbow attacked him, he did absolutely nothing! Why? Because he’s not the bad guy here! He hasn’t even talked to your friends, well not counting Pinkie, but that’s another issue! Your friends don’t agree with you because you are acting like a fucking psychopath! As to the Princess, she’s powerful in her own right! If he tried anything I think we’d have seen it! And going back to me! I as I said before, I like this form! It’s like I’ve become one with my fetish!” I heard a couple ponies gasp. “Oh grow up!” She snapped before returning her ire to Twilight, who stood in still, stunned shock. “As to Derpy and Dinky, that’s my fault.” I noticed her anger simmer down enough for her to stop shouting. “I was getting Derpy up to date and I switched around a couple things on accident. Which led to Derpy attacking an innocent person. And you know what? The guy forgave me. Even when I did virtually nothing to help after causing the problem in the first place, he forgave me. And the party? The party he didn’t ask for or want, the party which made ponies invade and trash his house? He has a right to be upset about that. His first day here and he gets shit on! How does he handle it? By going inside to relax so he doesn’t kill us all. Because I know damn well that if the poor guy ever did lose his collective shit and give us all his vast collection of stored up fucks, nothing would be able to stop him. Not you. Not the Princesses. Princesses plural. There are two of them Twilight. Tartarus, I think the only thing that could stop him would be Dinky because he loves that little filly, and she loves him.” Lyra sniffled and teared up a bit. “That little filly knows more about what friendship really means than you ever will, and that honestly breaks my heart. What happened to you Twilight?”
Twilight stammered and shook. Tears now welled up into her own eyes.
Lyra heaved a deep breath, then slowly let it out. “Twilight, Go home, write the Princess about what we just argued about, and think about what you’ve done.”
Twilight wordlessly turned around and trotted into her house and shut the door.
Lyra glowered at the crowd and they swiftly dispersed. She turned and trotted over to me. Only now did I noticed that Vinyl was sitting next to me and rubbing my back. “It’s okay. Just let it out.”
“I’m... I’m sorry you had to see that. Ugh... I’m sorry that that even had to happen.” Lyra said, planting her haunches onto the ground and pinning her ears bak sadly.
“Thanks....” I sniffed.
“Hey, what are friends for?” She smiled weakly. “Anything you need? Anything we can do to help?”
“I.... I just want to get away from everything for a bit....” I said feeling a little sick to my stomach. I felt something shift and I looked behind me. A white Trapezoidal building sat where my house used to be. There was a faint blue glow coming from it.
That’s familiar..... Why does that look familiar?
“What’s that?” Lyra asked.
I got to my feet, took a breath and stepped towards the building. “Let’s find out.”
The three of us entered the building. The only thing inside was a large blue glowing circle on the ground.
No..... could it be.......
“Step on.” I said slowly, as I stepped onto the blue circle. Lyra and Vinyl swiftly joined me. Then, with a hum and a flash of blue light, we vanished.
> My New Home (Reworked)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the arcane light faded and I was left to take in the scene, some small logical portion of my mind noted immediately just what, or rather where, I was looking at. The wind seemed to carry a faint melody as it whispered over grand mountains, suspended above the clouds with nary a want or care of gravity. From the largest of these, a great lake formed of an endless spring pouring from a mountain, and from that lake rivers ran to fade into mist and clouds before reaching the earth far below.
Perched on that mountainside, a gleaming castle of white and gold, as if a sister to the spires of Canterlot visibly breaking the clouds nearby. My mind's eye could imagine cities on the great windswept plains of grass, but for now, there was only the palace, and the pedestals, much like the one I stood on now. The roar of the falls could be heard even from here, and it seems a few very surprised pegasi were already looking over the landmass that had invaded their domain. Dotted here and there on the landscape, overgrown with just a hint of their previous majesty, ruins could be seen, as if this place was not created, but summoned.

When faced with this impossibility sprawling from the deepest recesses of my imagination, a particularly irreverent thought of "It's bigger than I would have thought," jarred me into unknowingly answering Lyra's question.
"Zeal, kingdom of magic... and my new home." I felt weak, like I was living a dream. Waves of chills rolled over me like the tides of the ocean. I took a step forward, neared the edge of the small Island we stood upon. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined seeing this place in the waking world. This city soared high above the world, uncaring of the goings on of the earth below. This place was Heaven.
“That tells me exactly nothing..... and I don’t care cause this place is pretty.” Vinyl said as she walked up next to me.
I was only barely paying attention to the mares with me. Something was bubbling up inside me. “Eh heh heh.” I heard a high-pitched hum as a walkway of blue light extended out from the island, to connect to the main landmass. Almost unthinking I stepped forward. The walkway felt solid. Must have been a hard light bridge. “Heh heh heh heh...” I continued my low chuckle as my brain slowly came to the realization that Zeal was actually in front of me. I didn’t care about the possible implications of summoning it at the moment. I slowly walked forward onto the light bridge proper.
“Twilight would love this place.” Lyra’s voice caused me to stop as a few brief thoughts managed to stave off my oncoming fangasm freak-out.
Twilight.....
I stopped and turned back towards the two unicorns.
“Yes.... Twilight would love this place.” I said as my gaze fell on Lyra, who actually looked uncomfortable at my words. “Lyra, thank you for defending me with such... zeal.... earlier. It really meant alot to me to know that you cared so much.”
“I’m sensing a but coming.” Vinyl said, glancing at Lyra.
“However.” I began.
“Eh, I was close.” Vinyl shrugged.
“You did go a bit overboard in your defense. You flat out yelled at her. Yes she was yelling at me, but countering by yelling back at her wasn’t the right way to go about it. Twilight was, probably is still, afraid of me. I’m an unknown. An unknown that’s very, very powerful. She doesn’t know what I’m capable of. Neither do I and that’s worrying for both of us. One of her main fears is that I’m mind-controlling or altering her friends in some way. That was validated not once, but three times. Once when I accidentally mind-controlled her to stay in her house (Not my fault because I didn’t know what I was doing at the time but that’s not a good excuse.), once when I changed you on accident, and the final time when you whammied her on purpose. I’ve been trying to be cordial, and yes her neurosis doesn’t help matters, but your speech actually vindicated her concerns about both of us.” I sighed. “Lyra, I think you should go have a talk with Twilight. Not an argument, not a fight about who’s right, because both of you are both right and wrong to varying degrees, but..... Just.... please go down there and try to have an actual, rational conversation with her. If she’s incapable of that, then come back later. Oh and be sure to remove the whammy you put on her. You know, that mind control she was so afraid of? Get rid of that.” I sighed once again. “I’m sorry if I’m coming off a bit harsh. It just feels like today is going to turn out just like yesterday and I’d like some peace and quiet for a few minutes at least.”
“I understand.” Lyra looked a little sad, with her ears pinned back and her head hung low. “You’re right. I’ll.... see you later.” With that she turned around, plodded back to the faintly pulsing circle of light. In a flash, she disappeared.
“Sooooo.....” Vinyl began awkwardly, scuffing the light bridge with a hoof.
“Sorry about that. That was stress leaking, as well as me wanting to tell Lyra off a bit.” I shook my head, my enthusiasm for this place now somewhat dampened. “You’re free to stay if you want.”
“I should probably drop by home. Octy is probably worried about me.” Vinyl chuckled, looking a little embarrassed.
“Ah.” I nodded. “Question, roommate or marefriend?”
“Heh, roommate. Not for lack of trying on her part. I just don’t swing that way.” She responded with a somewhat embarrassed grin. Huh. Interesting. Vinyl’s the straight one in this universe.
“Ah. I see.” I nodded. “Well I hope she isn’t too mad.”
“Thanks. I’ll see ya later Oh, and. we’ll have to play together again some time. You’ve got good taste in EDM.” She grinned at me. Then she turned and walked back to stand on the circle. Like Lyra, she disappeared in a flash.
My nerdgasm train now completely derailed, I turned and walked across the hard light bridge. I stepped from the bridge onto a stone pathway that ran between a large field of grass dotted in ruins and the massive lake in the center on the main island. I sighed happily, not entirely freaking out, yet not exactly meh about everything either. I had the distinct feeling that I’d come home after a long trip. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and simply sighed contentedly, just absorbing the whole place.
The only truly complete structure on floating continent... continents? Islands? The archipelago? Whatever. The only truly complete structure remaining was perhaps the most ostentatious -- the palace of Zeal itself. It wouldn't be surprising at all if, in the kingdom of magic, some intensely powerful spells had been put to work keeping it in tip-top shape. Getting there on the other hand involved a peaceful but somewhat eerie walk along a road that didn't seem so much paved as sculpted from golden-brown stone. Ruins stood here and there, with only the sky way pedestals and half-collapsed domes that housed them still complete. That may have been for the best though, I guess. Pegasi passed by, some (most) shrieking at the sight of me and bolting off to raise a panic somewhere that I don't care about right now. Serves them right for trespassing on my home anyway. Heh.
The palace, beautiful in the flawless alabaster and accented with brass that had, though tarnished green in places, still glimmered in the sunlight as it should. I noticed very early on, however, that ponies were avoiding the structure. As I got closer I could feel a kind of buzzing. Less a sound and more a feeling that itched  in the back of my mind.
"Oh shit." I breathed, drawing to a stop and staring at the palace. The feeling was stronger now. Nothing quite so established as foreboding, but more like how after a loud bell rings, and as the echo quiets, you can still almost hear that ringing. It felt like that over my entire body. Picking up the pace, I bolted for the palace, actually propelling myself forward with all eight limbs.
The thing about Zeal was, it had a dirty little secret.
I burst through the front doors, though they opened smoothly as if freshly oiled, into a great antechamber. Like in the game, it seems many 'rooms' and connecting hallways were actually arrayed in an open fashion lacking walls or even supports save where it was artistic for there to be one. There were more doorways and openings of course, as might be expected with an actual palace, but my eyes were focused on one open doorway, a light coming from beyond. Dimly I registered somewhat aged furniture, even books and statues laying as if the owner had merely stepped out for a moment, but my loping strides took me bounding up stairs and walkways that I'm not entirely sure I actually passed. I had to know.
Zeal, at least the one in the game, was magical, yes... but that power was increased to impossible levels by the grace of something powerful. Something that should have been left well enough alone. It was named before time was recorded, and had lived even longer. A parasite, steeped in power and built for destruction, that power was harnessed by a device called the Mammon Machine, which was housed in a special chamber just up those stairs.
Or at least, it had once been housed in a special chamber up the stairs.
The room was impeccable, with a deep, plush red carpet on the floor, ornate sconces still glowing with an arcane light, and... an altar, still glowing with light, and that too quiet, too loud not-ringing. The pit of my stomach dropped too. There, floating above the altar was a small scrap of brass, perhaps the size of a nickel. Deformed, misshapen like shrapnel, it yanked at my attention with that horrible echo, and a very faint sensation of calling. I approached.  The closer I got, the louder the call, soon becoming an actual ringing in my... well lack of ears. It wasn't the complete thing, but... the Machine had to have been here at some point. I didn't just create this place after all.
I reached out toward the altar, transfixed before something inside me burbled over, and my outstretched hand launched... I don't know what, but it enveloped that shard of the Machine, and when it cleared, it was gone. The ringing had stopped, and the oppressive sense had faded.
"... Oh shit." I muttered to myself, both at the whole eldritch energy thing, but more at the idea that if the Mammon Machine was real... then the thing it fed from was too, at least somewhere. Suddenly, I was so very, very grateful that in my dabbling with powers beyond my ken (even if they were my own powers), I did not think to create... or summon, the Black Omen.... I needed to go to the throne room next.
As I moved to turn away I got the faint feeling of being watched. Like the feeling you get when someone stares at you from across the room. But, before I could investigate.
“DISCORD! GET OUT HERE! I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO CAUSE CHAOS AMONG MY LITTLE PONIES!” The whole building shook from the force of the yell.
Throne room can wait. I’ve got a Tia to deal with first. I stuffed my hands back in my pockets and calmly walked through the palace.
I strode out of the main entrance to see a very pissed looking Tia, hovering off the ground about twenty feet from the palace. Her regalia was gone, leaving her the pony version of naked. Yet that was probably because she was on fire. Like her mane and tail were now angry blue flames, and she was engulfed in a blue-white fiery aura like she’d just went Super Saiyan Blue. I noted multitudes of retreating pegasi as Tia’s eyes (Which glowed like tiny blue stars) locked onto me.
“Hey.” I calmly wave a tentacle at the furious alabaster alicorn.
“I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! I JUST KNEW IT! HOW DID YOU DO IT DISCORD?! HOW DID YOU BREAK OUT OF YOUR STONE PRISON?!” She raged at me, flames leaping out of her mouth like small solar flares.
“Tia, can you calm down so we can talk about this like rational people? If this is about the floating islands, I can explain.” I said not too far above my normal speaking voice. “Also I think most of Equestria can hear you, so you might be scaring quite a few ponies.” I had already reached my limit of fucks today and to my best guess it wasn’t even past eleven in the morning. Joy.
Tia blinked briefly before her anger returned in full force. “NO! I LET YOU WON’T YOU IN MY HEAD AGAIN! I WON’T LET YOU TWIST MY PONIES INTO MOCKERIES OF THEIR FORMER SELVES! LYRA HEARTSTRINGS SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY FIRST CLUE!”
“That was an accident, I apologised, and Lyra seems fine with it. Has Twilight sent you a letter yet by the way?” I asked slowly walking until I was within roughly ten feet on the angry Avatar of the Sun.
“RAAAAAAAGH!” Tyrant Sun roared and I saw a bright white light, light a tiny neutron star, appear at the tip of her horn. She threw her head back and the orb septupled in size. Huh. Law of Anime Physics: Anything that explodes bulges first.
“GRAAAAAAGH!” The fiery rageicorn threw her head forward and release her build up of white hot plasma.
“Hmmmph.” I blinked. I pulled a hand out of my pocket, raised it, and simply thought one thing.
Consume.
Upon reaching my hand, the beam seemed to shrink and collapse in on itself as it was sucked into my hand like I was some sort of vacuum. Simultaneously, I got a warm feeling in my stomach like I’d just drank some hot chocolate. Huh. I wonder if this is how Tirekt feels when he absorbs magic.
The light died as the attack was fully absorbed, and like a video game, the scorched surroundings simply reverted back to their original states. I did briefly get a feeling like I’d been sunburned though. Probably a similar effect to when Derpy hit my box house. Which means I’m still connected to this place. Cool.
Tia simply blinked at me in stunned confusion as her everything returned to normal. She slowly floated to the stone path beneath her. She was gaping at me like she couldn’t believe what I’d just done.
I returned my hand to my pocket and I walked up to her. “You done with your tantrum or do I need to smack the sense back into you? I’m not opposed to bending you over my knee and spanking you.” I stated flatly.
A blush formed on Tia’s face as she violently shook herself. “E-Eldritch?! I-I’m so sorry! I-I don’t know what came over me!” She stammered out. “I just saw these flying islands and I thought of Discord! A-and I couldn’t see my ponies hurt in such a way again!”
I put a tentacle on her shoulder reassuringly. ”Hey, hey. It’s alright. I get it. I have some words for that guy too when he finally breaks free.”
Tia visibly slumped, closed her eyes, and nuzzled the tentacle. Then her eyes snapped back open as she realized what she’d just done. She stared at the tentacle, another blush forming on her face as she slowly looked over at me. Oh Me, I wish I could raise a brow right now! Curse having only one eye!
Suddenly there was a swooshing sound as a green-tinted puff of smoke appeared and poofed to drop a scroll to the ground. Tia and I looked at it. “I think that’s for you.” I chuckled. “You may want to read that.”
“R-right.” Tia nodded, and I stepped away as she retrieved the scroll with her golden magic.
“Eldritch!” I heard numerous voices cry. freezing in my tracks I turned to see a multitude of ponies charging full tint at me. All of them looked frightened. Derpy and Lyra impacted my chest and stomach almost in unison, causing me to stagger back. Only for Dinky, Button, Pip, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders. to slam into my legs, all of them clinging onto me for dear life. Needless to say I was off balance and I tumbled to the ground under the weight of the cuteness.
“What happened?!”
“What did Celestia do?!”
“Are you okay dad!?”
“Did she break anything important!?”
“She didn’t hurt you did she!?”
“Ah’m sorry we ran away from you mister Dritch!”
“We’re sorry that we didn’t talk to you first!”
“You actually weren’t that scary!”
Can’t do it! Too much fluff! Must cuddle ALL  the ponies!
“Okay all of you,” I couldn’t hold back my laughter. “One, I’m fine, two, so is Tia, it was just a misunderstanding, and three..... YOU’RE ALL SO FLUFFY!” I cried and I heard a multitude of surprised squeaks and yelps as my tentacles and arms lashed out to hug every pony I could. Unfortunately I didn’t have enough appendages so I had to leave out Applebloom and Sweetie Belle. After a minute of two of pony cuddling, (surprisingly they didn’t seem to mind) I let them go and got to my feet, only to see Vinyl and Octavia sitting not too far away. Vinyl was just grinning at me. Octavia, on the other hand, looked confused and slightly worried. I noticed Twilight quietly speaking to Celestia and both of them looked very emotional. Nope. Not interrupting that. No thank you.
“Dad, what is this place?” Dinky asked as everypony else looked around at my new home in wonder. I raised a finger to speak, then stopped myself. “Hmmmmm.” I looked over and saw a large tree that would make a great place to sit under. I walked over to it and pointed at the ground.
“TV.”
Right next to the tree a large flatscreen TV popped into existence. Next to it sat a SNES already plugged in, with one controller, and a very specific cartridge already plugged in as well.
“Childrens.” I called, getting the attention of the CMC and Dinky, Button, and Pip. “Come sit.”
All six of them came racing over. All of the stared at the TV in wonder, Button nearly drooling at the sight of the SNES.
“What’s Chrono Trigger?” Dinky asked as she levitated the controller in her magical glow.
“Your education.” I simply stated as I turned on the SNES and the TV.
An intro that still gives me chills to this day booted up.

“Whoa....” All the foals said in unision.
I rubbed my eye then cleared my throat. “Eh hem. Okay, Dinky plays first, when the party dies she passes it off to someone else. Them’s the rules, no arguing.”
“Yes sir!” chorused the foals. I chuckled as Dinky began to play, then began walking over to Vinyl. Might as well say hello.
Then I got a idea. A wonderful, terrible idea.
“Hey, Tia?” I called out.
The alabaster Alicorn briefly paused her conversation with Twilight. “Yes, Eldritch?”
“Is your sister awake?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.
Tia blinked. “Probably. Why?”
“Have you let anyone in your castle staff know about me?” This was going to be amazing.
“Yes, but wh-” Tia stopped, as I think she got where I was going.
“Tia, would it be okay if I foalnapped your sister?” I asked nonchalantly. Vinyl immediately laughed her head off, only to be scolded by Octavia.
“Eld, what are you doing?” I looked down at Derpy. Honestly I kinda forgot she was there.
Wait... “Eld?” I asked.
“Eldritch, takes too long to say. I’m calling you Eld.” Derpy smiled up at me.
“You know you’re only giving more fuel to Dinky right?” I blinked somewhat stupidly.
“I know, but you’re dodging my question.” She gave me the cutest glare.
“Fine, fine. I’m going to go get Luna so she can get some natural light, make some friends, and so she can play Chrono Trigger too. I think she’d appreciate it.” I chuckled.
“That.... What?” Derpy looked half-confused, half-shocked. “You’re.... going to foalnap... a Princess?”
“Yep and I’ll need you and.......” I looked around for Lyra. Said Eldritch mare was casually floating over to the palace. “I’ll just need you then.”
“Why me?” Derpy blinked.
“I need to show the castle staff that I’m not a scary monster.” I shrug.
“And if this backfires?” Derpy raised a brow.
“It probably will. Also, I’ve ran out of my allotment of fucks for today.” I chuckled.
“So, Derpy, wanna help me go foalnap a Princess?”
> How to get to Canterlot, or the creation of the A-Team.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't make it more than a few steps away before I stopped. "Derpy, a thought occurs."
"Huh? What?" was her response as my abrupt stop almost made her bump into me. "You reconsidering foalnapping a Princess?"
"Oh no, I'm still going to do that." I said as I turned around to face her. "I just don't know how I'm going to actually get to Canterlot to foalnap the aforementioned Princess. You think Tia would know?"
"I'm still here." Tia said from her spot on the grass a few feet away.
I blinked stupidly. "Right. Sooooooo..... What would you recommend?" I asked as I walked over to her.
"You could use the train like a normal pony." Twilight mentioned.
Huh. Right. I forgot she was sitting there.
Tia and I stared at her.
"Boring!" Vinyl yelled as she trotted up to join us, only to earn her a swat from the charcoal roommate next to her.
"I agree. That doesn't seem very...." Tia looked at me, "Eldritch, does it?"
"His track record so far? Not at all." Vinyl said rubbing the back of her head with a hoof.
"Well, I'm all ears." I said stuffing my hands in my pockets.
"Well, you would be if you had ears to begin with." Vinyl said with a grin as she pointed at me with a hoof.
I saw Octavia (and heard Derpy) facehoof. Tia hid her giggle behind a hoof.
I pointed at the truthful mare. "You are not wrong there. However, ideas?"
"You could skydive." Vinyl pointed out. "It's not like you'd need a parachute. You'd survive the landing."
"Yes, but whatever, or whoever, he landed on more than likely wouldn't." Octavia stated her musings in a wonderful british accent.
"Yeah..." My tentacles wilted as I shivered. "Even being.... this." I gestured to all of me. "The idea of falling without something to catch me scares the hell outta me."
"I'd catch you." Derpy said, sitting down next to me and putting a wing around my legs.
"Awwwww!" Tia, Octavia, and Twilight all cooed.
"Soooooooon!" I heard Dinky yell from her spot at the head of the foals in front of the TV.
"Thanks Derpy." I gently patted her head with a tentacle as I felt heat rise in my cheeks.
"Hey. Wait a sec. Derpy could fly you down there!" Vinyl gestured to Derpy then to me.
"Eh? Explain." I narrowed my eye at her.
"Doesn't sound to hard." Derpy said. "Though carrying him might be a little awkward." I looked down at the mare owlishly.
"Derpy dear, aren't you worried about how heavy he is?" Octavia asked, sounding a little concerned.
"Hey." I said weakly, looking over at the charcoal mare. "Are you calling me fat?"
"What?" Octavia's thought process completely derailed as she looked in my direction with a dropped jaw. Vinyl snorted a laugh.
"No. I think she's calling you dense." Twilight commented almosted off-hoofedly.
"Oh shit!" I snapped before devolving into a fit of giggles.
"What?! No!" Octavia sputtered trying to salvage her thought.
"I think you did Octy." Vinyl said smugly, poking the charcoal mare in the ribs.
"I did not!" Octavia snapped at Vinyl with a bright red face.
"Well, Twilight may have a point." Tia pointed out, holding back her own set of giggles. "You may have your weight condensed. Which would work with your lean appearance."
"Like Envy from Fullmetal Magicka." Lyra spoke up.
"Shit!" I jumped and snapped my head to the left. Lyra was floating right next to me almost lazilly. "Lyra! When- How long have you been there?!"
"Couple minutes." The Eldritch Mare shrugged. "So, going to foalnap Princess Luna?"
"Y-yeah." I said, trying to get my heart back under control.
"You could just wrap your tentacles around Derpy's hooves and have her carry you that way." Lyra said gesturing a hoof and a tentacle between me and Derpy.
"You want to turn Derpy and Eldritch into a small living airship?" Twilight cocked her head to the side?
I looked at the purple mare, my tentacles twitching in confusion. "That's the first thing you thought of? An airship? Really?"
"That actually sounds like a decent way for him to be carried." Tia nodded. There was a thoughtful look on her face as she tapped her chin with a hoof. "That's not a bad description however."
"Derpy are you sure you can carry him?" Octavia asked.
"I'm sure." Derpy nodded.
"If she can put a crack in my house when it was still a black box, then she can probably carry me regardless of how heavy I actually am." I nodded at Octavia.
"Wait...." Vinyl spoke up. Once again the mare probably thought of something that nobody else thought about. "Lyra can fly." She pointed at the Mint Green Horror next to me.
"Yup." Lyra did a quick loop in the air.
"And I saw you flying, or floating, when we were having our battle." The pale DJ pointed her hoof at me.
"Yeah, come to think of it, that did happen." I nodded, rubbing my tentacles in thought as if they were a beard.
"So, does that mean you can fly?" Vinyl asked.
Now all eyes were on me. I blinked. "Ummmmmmm, probably? Yes? I haven't actually actively tried to fly... yet. If I did, I'd probably have to channel my inner Man of Steel and start by jumping or something like that."
"Not a bad movie." Octavia noted.
"Eh, it was visually pretty, and some story stuff was decent, but Snack Cider does not know how to portray Supermare or Bark Scent at all." Vinyl groaned. "Supermare is not a god looking down on regular ponies!" She grumbled.
"We could toss you off the edge of your island like a baby bird." Lyra commently with a devious smile at me.
I leaned away from her. "Please no."
"I believe carrying would be the best option." Tia said, cutting through our mostly train-of-thought conversation, while simultaneously grabbing all of our attention. "So, you have your way there. Now where are you going to land?"
"I haven't thought that far." I said stupidly. "I'm kinda just dealing with everything as it comes."
"While as nice as that can at times," Tia nodded, putting on her I'm a Princess, I know more than you smile. "It would be better to have a plan."
"Thank you!" Derpy pointed a hoof at the Princess.
"Mmmmmm..... true." I deflated.
"Good." Tia nodded at me. "So, who's going with you?"
"Derpy." I said.
Tia looked at Derpy with a raised brow. Derpy blushed. "Somepony has to try and keep him out of trouble."
"Try being the key word." Vinyl pointed out. "Hell, I'll go too."
"Me too, I can carry Vinyl." Lyra piped in.
"Vinyl, you're just going to leave me here?" Octavia almost looked offended.
"Would you rather stay here, relax, and enjoy the nice day, or would you prefer to run around Canterlot while trying to foalnap the Princess of the Moon?" Vinyl asked the charcoal mare with a skeptical look on her face.
"Vinyl," Octavia actually whined, "we never do anything fun together anymore!"
I leaned over to Derpy and stage whispered. "Are we sure they're not a couple?"
"Not for lack of trying." Octavia immediately snapped off with a small smirk in my direction.
"Okay one, I don't swing that way." Vinyl glared between Octavia and myself. "Two, fine you're coming. With Eld, Lyra and myself, I know we'd need at least two ponies to keep us on track." Vinyl finished with a facehoof.
"Oh joy." Octavia grinned at Vinyl happily.
"Alright. You have your team Eld." Tia smiled. Fine! Everyone can call me Eld now! "Derpy, Octavia, Lyra, Vinyl, and yourself."
"Wait a second, it's Canterlot, why aren't you coming?" I asked a question I feel like I should have asked to begin with.
"Oh, I'm going to stay here and explore." Tia smiled.
"Bored of Day Court?" I asked.
"Oh you have no idea." Tia seemed to briefly deflate before returning to her normal happy, peppy self. "Thus, I'm going to stay here and explore this potentially dangerous new floating island chain."
"Okay. I can't fault you for that." I admitted. "However, steer clear of a room with, red carpet, magic torches on the walls, and a large altar at the center. I had to send away something nasty and I don't know if there's anything lingering there. I doubt it, but just to be safe."
"Thank you." Tia nodded. "I feel what you mean. There's a faint echo of something I can't really place, but it's been fading ever since I first arrived."
"Good to know." I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. "What's next?"
"The landing?" Derpy asked helpfully.
"Thank you Derpy." I said sighing and rubbing my tentacles. "Tia, where would you suggest I land?"
"If I were you, I'd land in the castle's statue garden." Tia said after a moment of thought.
"Aren't you worried about me accidentally releasing Discord?" I narrowed my eye at her. "Like, releasing him from my presence alone?"
"Like he could do anything to you." Tia smiled. "And if he happened to do anything to your little ponies...... I don't even want to know what you'd do to him." Tia's smile turned smug.
"Touche." I pointed at her. "So, once in the garden, where should we go? I don't exactly know where your sister's room is."
"Honestly... following the shouting." Tia sighed rubbed a hoof against her temple. "I can't remember the last time Luna actually slept."
"Ah, so she's one of those gamers." I shuddered. "What about the guards?"
"What about the guards?" Tia looked at me with a raised brow.
Derpy, Lyra, Octavia, Vinyl, Twilight and myself all stared at the Princess with looks somewhere near shock.
"U-ummmmmm. Aren't you worried they'll do something?" I said weakly, snapping out of my semi-stunned state.
Tia sighed. "I love them dearly, but....." She seemed to rub the bridge of her nose with a hoof before letting it fall to look at me. "The Solar Guard hasn't been a proper Guard for five-hundred years." She looked down at Twilight. "Yes, Twilight, your brother does a fantastic job as captain, but he's just one pony. The rest... The rest are more for show, regardless of how well Shining trains them. The Wonderbolts are more of a guard than they are, and they're showponies!" Tia flailed a hoof for emphasis. "Today's guard will more than likely run to Shining and have him deal with a problem, rather than stop something themselves. At this point they're just moral support, whose only job is to direct ponies on where to go in the castle or Canterlot proper." She finished with another sigh.
Honestly, Tia just looked tired. She looked like she could use a day off.
I couldn't help but glance around at the others to see their reactions. Twilight was staring at Tia in stunned disbelief with a dropped jaw. Vinyl and Lyra were both quietly snickering. Octavia was shooting a dirty look at Vinyl. Lastly, Derpy looked..... strangely unsurprised.
Derpy noticed my look. "What?" She asked. "I've had to deliver mail to Canterlot before. For the most part the guards seem helpful. Every so often I'll come across one who's rude. Yet, the moment I show any aggressive behavior they back down immediately."
"So.... long story short." I looked back to Tia. "Canterlot's  kinda fucked if anybody invades?"
"Unfortunately." Tia sighed, looking tired.
I shuffled my feet a little "Well...." I began awkwardly. "Uh, have fun hanging out here, I hope you enjoy your talk with Twilight, umm try to keep ponies away if you could (I'd rather not have a repeat of yesterday), and umm keep the foals in line?" I finished weakly.
Tia's smile returned as she gave a small chuckle. "I plan on it, and I will." She looked down at Twilight. "Twilight, would you like to see if his palace has a library?"
Twilight immediately lit up like The Fourth of July. "YES!" She half-squeaked, half-shouted. She gave a passable impression of Pinkie Pie as she bounced next to the Princess. Tia returned her gaze to me. "Have fun storming the castle." She giggled before turning to begin walking towards the palace.
I watched the two go, then looked down to see four sets of eyes looking at me.
"Okay... Who wants to go foalnap a Princess?"
> Storming a Castle
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I REGRET EVERYTHING THAT LEAD UP TO THIS MOMENT!" I yelled as I forced myself to not crush Derpy's legs with my back tentacles. The wind whistled in my lack of ears. I squeezed my eye shut, due to a new fear of heights that was in turn, due to hanging off a pegasus hundreds of feet above the ground!
"It's not that bad!" Vinyl cried from somewhere to my right.
"Really it's not. Lyra's levitation is rather comfortable." Octavia cried at the same volume.
"Eldritch just open your eye. You'll be fine." Lyra's warped voice giggled, cutting through the wind like a knife.
"Don't worry, I've got you." Derpy called out.
Thanks to all the encouragement, I did manage to slowly open my eye. Had I a jaw, it'd have dropped. Canterlot was spread out below me. I didn't feel like I had enough time to take everything in. There was simply too much. Too many ponies. Too many bright colors. Too much... everything.
I blinked rapidly as Canterlot seemed to fly by. I felt myself stiffen as I slammed my eye shut. "Nope!" I snapped. "Too much to look at! Can't handle! Tell me when we're there!"
"It is a lot to take in." Octavia admitted, closer to normal speaking volume. "It would be a bit much for someone who's never seen it. Especially from this angle."
I could feel as well as hear the wind die down to more of a breeze. That would explain how I could hear Octavia better.
"Okay we're nearing the Castle." Derpy announced.
"See any guards?" Vinyl asked.
"Nope. Nada." Lyra responded. She sounded almost disappointed.
"Well this is just shameful." Octavia snorted. "What, are they all in the Castle? Where are the lookouts? Where are the Pegasi patrolling the skies?"
Was Octavia Mafioso?
"Octy, chill. You left that life behind you." Vinyl said with and audible sigh.
I think she was.
Why does that worry me?
"Gardens in sight. Not far now Eldritch." Derpy's welcome announcement detensed more muscles than I was aware I even had.
"Attention passengers, we will be landing shortly. It's a balmy sixty-two degrees here in Canterlot. Please remain still until we come to a complete stop. Thank you for flying Air Lyra and we hope you enjoy your time at Canterlot Castle." Lyra rattled off as I felt our movement begin to slow. 
The moment we stopped I opened my eyes to see that I was a couple feet above a rather nice stone walkway.
"We're here." Derpy said from above me.
"Thank you Derpy, I noticed." I responded.
I took a breath and released my tentacles from around Derpy's legs. As I hit the ground, I heard a few sets of hooves hit seconds after me.
I fell to my hand and knees. "Land!" I cried. "I'll never leave you again!"
"Oh come on it wasn't that bad." Lyra giggled. I felt a hoof pat my back.
"Lyra be nice! That was probably a frightening experience for someone who's never flown before." Derpy said from next to me.
"Thank you Derpy. Without you....." I trailed off. "Huh... I was going to say I would be dead but that's not exactly true."
"It's the thought that counts." I'm pretty sure I just felt Derpy smile.
Okay." I heaved a breath. "Okay. We're good." I slowly stood, rolled my shoulders and stretched my back. Looking around revealed well kept flowerbeds, neatly trimmed hedge rows, well manicured bushes and numerous marble statues of various different creatures. "Well this is nice."
"Yeah, I've been here a few times." Lyra said. I looked over at her, noting that she'd returned to standard pony form. She noticed my look. "I was in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. That only takes you so far though."
"Cool." I nodded. I glanced over at Vinyl and Derpy. The DJ had moved her shades up onto her horn, and had her blue headphones around her neck. Derpy appeared to be taking everything in.
I took a breath. It was kinda nice out here. Nice to take a moment to-
Wait.
My brow furrowed.
We were missing somepony.
I glanced around.
Yep.
"Guys... Where's Octavia?" I asked.
Lyra and Derpy jumped and looked around. Vinyl however-
"Dammit. Not again." The DJ simply facehoofed. "I thought we were past this. It's been years..." Her complaints broke down into mumbles that I couldn't hear.
Again?
"H-Hey! W-what are you d-doing out here!" I shaky voice made me jump and my head swung around.
On the pathway towards the castle proper, was a young looking gold armored pegasus. A cream-colored pegasus. A cream-colored  pegasus with a blue tail, and blue eyes....
O Hai Flash.
Flash Sentry shook from head to hoof as he stared at me. "Y-you can't b-be out here."
"Why not?" I asked, stuffing my hand in my pockets.
He blinked. It was as if my one question just threw a wrench into his mental machinery.
The poor stallion just stared at me.
"I think you broke him." Vinyl commented. Glancing over at her revealed that she was looking intently into the surrounding bushes.
"He's cute, but why are all the cute stallions weak-minded?" Lyra said with a bit of a whine.
My brow furrowed again. What? What does that even mean?
"Th-these are Canterlot Castle's private gardens. Y-you can't just walk in here."
Oh look Flash rebooted.
I looked back over at him. At least he wasn't shaking anymore. "We didn't. Much to my dismay, we flew in."
I heard a bush rustle.
What was-
A grey blur burst out of the bush directly to the right of Flash. A forehoof slammed into his jaw, knocking him to the side. Suddenly he was on the ground, a grey form atop him. A foreleg was around his throat.
"Shhhhh.... Shhhhhh.... Just go to sleep...." Octavia cooed as Flash's eyes dropped. In moments the stallion was snoring.
Octavia then proceeded to drag the unconscious Flash into a bush. Only for her to pop back out seconds later, brushing a couple stray leaves out of her mane. "Well, that was fun. To the castle then?"
This was met by silence.
"Holy shit!" I blurted.
"Octy! You can't just knock out guards!" Vinyl snapped seconds later. "We talked about this!"
"Oh, he'll be fine." Octavia waved away Vinyl's statement. "I didn't do any serious damage."
"Not the point!" Vinyl growled.
"Hey, before this gets any more heated, Octavia?" My question got the grey mare's attention. "Can you try not to knock out any more guards?"
"I'll try, but I make no promises. Something's you simply can't unlearn." Octavia said, adjusting her bowtie.
"It'll have to do." I sighed. "Let's just... head inside before we attract more attention."
As we began the walk towards the castle Lyra spoke up. "Derpy, we have weird friends."
"No really, you think?" Derpy snorted.



Even I thought I knew what to expect when we went inside. I was still blown away by the sheer gaudiness of it all. All the stone was marble, there were pillars and pony statues along the walls, and a plush red carpet ran along the floor.
"Ech." I grumbled as I passed a window looking down into the city and got briefly struck by vertigo.
"You okay?" Derpy asked putting a hoof on my leg.
"The sooner we get out of here the better." I looked at the mare and gently patted her head. "I don't like this place."
"I know, kinda screams, look at me look at me!" Vinyl snorted while running a hoof over a red drape next to the window I'd looked out of.
"Funny, it screams, buy more toys to me." Lyra said with a shrug.
A quick glance showed that we'd lost Octavia again. "Octy's gone." I commented.
"What?!" Vinyl snapped. "How?! Where?! There's nowhere to hide?!"
"It's okay Vinyl, she'll pop up eventually." I chuckled. "So long as she doesn't kill anyone, we'll be fine. Fucking Solid Snake Pony." I returned to the middle of the hallway. "Now... does anybody know where the hell we are?"
"I got nothing." Derpy shrugged.
"Princess Celestia said to follow the shouting." Vinyl said as she sat on her haunches and rubbed her temples.
"A guard would really be helpful right now." Lyra rolled her eyes. "Seriously, we've found one in like half an hour. Where are they? This is just shameful."
"It's like they knew Eld was coming." Derpy mused looking back and forth down each way.
"And there hasn't been any shou-" I was cut off.
"AH HA! TAKE MINE PHALLIC OBJECT UP THINE POSTERIOR HEATHEN!" The entire hallway shook.
My lack of ears were actually ringing. I violently shook my head and noticed that everyone else was equally stunned..
"The fuck was that?!" I snapped, trying to regain my balance for that assault to everything. "That's what Tia calls shouting? The fuck?!"
"What?!" Derpy yelled.
I looked at the grey mare, who was rubbing her ears with a pained look on her face. Kneeling next to her , I put my hands on her ears. "You can hear fine."
As I took my hands away Derpy blinked at me. "Thanks for that. Everything was ringing. I'd prefer not to be deaf as well as half-blind."
"You're welcome." I nodded and looked at Lyra and Vinyl. Vinyl had donned her headphones. Lyra had simply gone Eldritch-mode, now levitating a couple feet off the floor. And Octavia..... was somewhere. They were somewhat protected from the verbal assaults. I furrowed my brow at Derpy.
"What?" The mare asked cocking her head to the side.
I put my hand on her head. "Resist Sonic Effects. Protection From Shockwaves." A purple glow surrounded the mare before surrounding her like a cloak. The aura than slowly faded from view. "That should help. I think."
"No fair, how come I don't get any buffs?" I blinked and looked over at Vinyl.
"What? I played O&O in college." Vinyl said defensively. "I can't find a good group to play with."
"I think you should be good Derpy." I glanced at her and she nodded. I walked over the Vinyl and kneeled in front of her. I put a hand on her head. "For being a D&D nerd, you get D&D buffs. Now let's see if this works. Maximized Mage Armor. Bless. Protection From Law. Bull's Strength. Bear's Endurance."
There was a shimmer around Vinyl as a slight visual distortion surrounded the mare. She shivered and shook her head. "Oh... wow..." She shook herself again. "I feel great!" She bounced on her hooves. "I feel like I could run through a wall! I'm a Tank!"
"Support." Derpy called out.
"Ranged Damage." Lyra added.
"Melee Damage." Came Octavia's voice from.... somewhere.
I stood and glanced around at the mares around me. "I love all of you, you know that?"
"We love you too." Lyra grinned as I noticed Derpy had a very noticeable blush on her cheeks.
"We also can't discount the fact that your a DM walking through a dungeon with the Party." Vinyl said with a smirk.
"Now that we're all prepared." I stuffed my hands in my pockets. "Could anybody tell the direction that assault to the senses came from?"
"No. I was too busy being deafened." Depry said flatly.
"Nope." Vinyl shrugged.
"That thing that was supposed to be Celestia's version of shouting? Yeah, no." Lyra shrugged her tentacles.
"No idea." Came Octavia's voice from somewhere. Where the hell was she?
"Well maybe we can find a guard or some palace staff." I sighed.
"HEY- GLKK!" I spun around only to see that a white coated and blue eyed guard in gold armor was in the process of being made unconscious by Octavia.
"Shhh.... It'll all be over soon...." Octavia cooed. Somewhere she'd found a black bandana and had it around her forehead. She then proceeded to drag the guard behind a pillar. She didn't come back out.
"Dammit Octy!" Vinyl snapped. "That's two now!"
"He'll be fine." Said Octavia from somewhere behind me.
When I turned there was nothing. "Is Octavia related to Pinkie Pie by and chance?" I asked, now somewhat worried.
"Yes." Came Octavia's voice. "We share a grandmother."
"Granny Pie?" I blinked.
"The same." Came Octavia's voice from my left.
"Vinyl your roommate is a psychopath and she kinda scares me." Lyra said as if commenting on the weather.
"Agreed, however we've spent enough time here." I sighed. "Let's find a maid or something. Octy won't knock that out."
"No, castle staff are fine." Came her voice from my right.
"Let's just.... keep walking." I rolled my eye and started down the hallway. "This is turning out weirder than I expected."
"Why would you assume it wouldn't be weird?" Lyra asked as she floated up next to me.
I blinked down at the Eldritch Mare. I held my finger out to make a point, which swiftly died. I lowered my finger and wilted slightly.
"I know your pain." Derpy said hovering up next to me to pat my shoulder.
"Let's just go." I mumbled.



After what felt like hours of wandering mostly empty halls, (and being staggered by Luna using Unrelenting Force every ten minutes) the scents of food drew us to the castle kitchens. I expected there to be a dozen or so ponies in there. But like everything today, there was only one. A yellow earth pony stallion with a brown mane and green eyes. He was bustling around the kitchen checking on various things, humming happily to himself.
Then I noticed his Cutie Mark.
An open book with empty pages.
"Oh look there's somepony." Derpy said happily.
"No. We have to leave." I said feeling a chill run down my spine.
"Why?" Vinyl asked.
The earth pony looked at us. Instead of fear a look of wonder, bordering on joy plastered his face.
"I'm not worthy." I stated, leaning away as he slowly trotted over to us.
He opened his mouth to speak.
"WAIT!" I snapped holding up a hand. He froze, now looking confused. "Wait, please. I'm not worthy of your words or descriptions great one." The mares looked at me like I was insane. "I simply need you to point me in the direction of Luna's room. We're here to take her away to my castle in the sky."
The stallion blinked, chuckled, trotted past us and pointed down the way we'd been going.
I walked over to him and kneeled. "Thank you. Bless you. Keep doing your marvelous work." I took his hoof in my hand.
The stallion blinked at me then smiled and nodded. He then walked back into the kitchen.
"Okay.... the fuck was that?" Vinyl asked. as she walked over to me, watching the stallion return to his work in the kitchen.
"A religious experience." I stated with a slow breath.
"He's just a chef." Lyra furrowed her brow in thought. "What makes him so special?"
"Remind me some time to tell you the tale of Baked Bean." I said slowly. The stallions head popped out the kitchen doorway looking confused. "Sorry! We have to go!" I yelped, grabbed the mares with my tentacles and sprinted away from the stallion.



"You can put us down now." Lyra said drying as I wandered down a slightly more plush looking hallway. I think I'd found the living quarters.
"I don't know this is kinda nice." Derpy said with a yawn.
"Yeah, his tentacles are warm." Vinyl nodded. "I think there's some kinda levitation magic going on, because being held up by only out midsections should be hurting by now, but I feel fine.
"I prefer floating." Lyra said with a huff.
"THINE END HAS COME VILLAIN!"
I could actually see the shockwave coming down the hallway and braced myself for it. It still made me skid a few feet back down the carpet.
"At least we're heading in the right direction." I grunted shaking the ringing out of my lack of ears.
"She's having an off day." A voice to my right made me jump and I coiled the mares close to me for protection, leaving only their heads and back legs visible.
Wide-eyed I stared at the mare that appeared. She had a pink coat, a long multi-hued purple, pink, and yellow mane, and violet eyes. A heart of crystal with gold filigree below it sat upon her flank. She also sported both wings and a horn. However, unlike what I expected, she wore no royal regalia.
"Dammit, is it the pink ones that are this sneaky." I said trying to get my breathing under control.
"That's chromatist." Princess Cadence said flatly with Maud face.
I blinked stupidly.
"She's got you there." Vinyl commented.
"Maybe she's related to Pinkie too?" Derpy said looking at me.
"Possibly." Said Octavia from somewhere.
Cadence's composure broke and she broke into giggles.
"Am I cursed?" I asked aloud. "Because everything's been going sideways ever since I got here. This was supposed to be simple. Get in, grab Luna, get out."
"Well.... You are an Eldritch Horror from beyond Space and Time." Cadence said with a smile. "Aunty Tia told me about you. Oh, and I can take you to Luna. You're actually not too far away from her room."
"Oh thank God!" I groaned at the air.
"Cadence!" A bro-voice snapped to my right. I looked over to see a white-coated, blue-maned unicorn stallion standing not too far away. He had light blue eyes and wore violet armor with a pink star on the chest. On his flank was a blue shield with a pink star on its face. "Get away from tha-"
He didn't get to finish.
Because of course he didn't.
A grey blur burst from the hall to his left, body checked him into a wall, slammed a hoof into his muzzle, then proceeded to choke him out. "Shhhhh. Just think of your marefriend....."
"Octavia will you stop knocking out the Guards?!" Vinyl almost screamed.
Before Octavia could drag Shining away, she had to leap off his unconscious form as green flames enveloped it. When the flames died an unconscious Chrysalis lay there on the carpet snoring away.
The hall went silent.
Shining...
Chrysi...
What?
"Awwwww, you knocked her disguise off." Cadence said with a humph. "We'll need to take her with us so the other guards don't take her and lose their collective minds trying to bring her to the real Shining."
"On it." Octavia said as she heaved the unconscious bug mare onto her back with ease.
"Aren't you mad Octy knocked out..... Her? Him? Her?" Vinyl questioned, looking very confused.
"Oh she's fine. She can take it." Cadence said with a smile. "I've knocked her out enough times in the bedroom." A smirk grew on her face as she bit her lower lip. "Just never with a blow to the face."
"Damn!" Lyra and Vinyl cried out, trying to lean away while still in my grip.
"BEGONE WOMAN OF SEXUAL PROMISCUITY!"
The shockwave made me stagger.
That's it.
"You know what?! Fuck this whole day!"
> Of Stealth Mares and Lovebugs
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So..... What's the deal with you and Chrysi?" I asked after putting everyone down and picking up the snoozing changeling queen. It would be far easier to move her this way.
However the moment the Octavia was free of carrying duty, she vanished again. Figures.
Now, the four (Not counting Octavia because she could literally be anywhere right now.) of us followed the happy pink alicorn.
"Is Shining Armor involved in this relationship? Is this some kind of threeway thing?"
"Snnkt.... Threeway." Lyra giggled under her breath. I gave her a look and she puffed out her chest a bit. "What? Bonnie and I haven't banged in a while and I'm a little repressed."
"Oh... sorry.... I thought you were just being childish..." I wilted a little. "My bad."
"Normally I'd be the childish one," Vinyl spoke up, sounding somewhat tired. "However, I need to make sure Octy doesn't kill anypony."
"And I'm sorry for you too." I reached out a tentacle and patted the mare. I returned my attention to Cadence, who was calmly waiting for me to finish with the others. She gestured a wing for me to go on.
"Oooookay. Sooooo, What's the deal? Does Shining Armor even exist in this Universe?" I asked the mare. I was somewhat confused as to what she was waiting for.
"Alright so this- Oop, hold up guard patrol." Cadence said pointing a hoof ahead. "I wanna see what happens."
We'd come to a threeway stop and a pair of gold armored guards we walking towards us. They appeared to be lost in some conversation with each other.
Then I saw what sat in the middle of the hall, smack dab in the middle of the crossroads.
An ordinary cardboard box.
"No." I said flatly as I stared at the box. "No way."
"What?" Derpy asked trotting up to stand next to me. "It's just a box."
"Derpy, who just leaves a box here?" I glanced down at the mare.
The guards reached the box, somehow oblivious of the small party not five feet from them. They looked confused. Why was a box here, I could almost feel them wonder.
"No." I said flatly.
That happened to get the guard's attention. The one on the left froze, looking at me with a stare of abject horror. The one on the right had more of a spine, and took a few steps forward. "Princess." He stated professionally with a bow. He have us all a quick glance. "Is there a reason you're with these.... ponies?"
"Yes, I'm taking them to see Auntie Luna." Cadence said with a smile.
My attention had immediately shifted back to the box the moment it moved. The box flipped as an Octavia popped out silently. Somewhere she'd found a black bandana and had wrapped it around her forehead. The guard that was still staring at me in shock didn't notice a thing as Octavia loomed behind him. His eyes bugged out as the admittedly frightening Octy caught him in a choke hold. The guard flailed silently as the mare dragged him into the box. Seconds later she emerged, flipped the box into an upright position, proceeded to close it, and pushed it off to the side of the hallway.
The other guard hadn't noticed a thing. "Oh, are you going to ask her to quiet down?"
"Something like that." Cadence was having a hard time stifling her giggles.
The guard got a very confused look on his face as Octavia silently walked up behind him. She seemed to have a swagger in her steps. There was a quiet clink as the mare tapped the guard on the back of his armor. As he turned his head, a hoof slammed into his jaw. The guard dropped like a ragdoll. Octavia caught him before he could hit the floor and proceeded to drag him over to the box. She propped him up next to it so he looked like he was just taking a nap.
I heard Cadence quietly giggling. Looking over at her showed that Cadence was having the time of her life. Out of the corner of my eye I caught Lyra giggling, Vinyl sighing and facehoofing, and Derpy patting Vinyls back with a wing.
"You're okay with the Royal Guards getting taken out by..." I looked over to find that Octavia had disappeared, as had the box, though the guard that had been put in it was propped up like his companion. ".... Of course..."
"What, This just goes to show that the Guard needs to be better trained and prepared." Cadence giggled. "They're all being shamed by a one mare army."
"I can't fault you there, I guess." I shrugged.
"Shall we?" She asked, gesturing a wing down the hallway.
"Sure." I sighed. As I followed the pink alicorn, I glanced back at Vinyl. "Doing okay there Vinyl?"
"Not particularly." Vinyl said with a frown.
"So... What did Octavia used to do?" I asked somewhat awkwardly. "Is she really a cellist?"
"Yes, she is now." Vinyl groaned. "It used to be a cover. She used to be in Guard Infiltration. Before that she was some kind of Monster Hunter."
"Are you allowed to share that information?" Lyra asked, looking curious.
"At this point I don't care." Vinyl shot a blank glare at the Eldritch Mare.
"That answers that question." I shrugged, mulling over the fact that Octavia pretty much was Solid Snake in pony form. "So, Cadence."
The mare in question slowed her pace to mirror mine. "Hmmm?"
"About Shining and Chrysalis." I gestured to the changeling mare held in my tentacle. "Shining exists here right? Because until I got here I assumed most everything was as I'd seen it."
Cadence giggled. "Yes, yes Shining exists." She said with a nod. "He staying at his parents because he's sick with the flu. He works himself so hard that he usually ends up this way."
"So... Chrysi's just filling in for him?" I asked with a blink.
"Yep." Cadence nodded. "She does the same for me if I've got something else going."
"Kay... and how's the relationship thing work?" I asked with a twitch of my facial tentacles.
"Oh I love Shining as much as I love Chrys." She said with a happy sigh.
"Good to know, so you got a threeway love triangle thing between Shining, Chrysi, and yourself."
"You got it." Cadence said as she leaned and and nuzzled the Changeling queen. This nudge however woke the aforementioned changeling.
"Huh... Wha..." The queen looked around and struggled a little bit in confusion until she came face to face with me. Her eyes widened immediately.
"Afternoon." I nodded at her.
Chrysi immediately started to hyperventilate. "W-what- Why- Caddy! Caddy! Help! There's- There's a thing!" She began to struggle more, to no effect.
"Put her down." Cadence said with a warm smile at the queen. I set Chrysi down and she bolted into Cadence's forelegs.
"What- What the fuck is that!? What is that!?" The changeling queen babbled while staring at me.
"Hon," Cadence said consolingly, "this is Eldritch. You weren't there when Aunty Tia told Shining and I. Though I'm sure I told you last night."
Chrysi blinked and looked at Cadence, then looked at me. "I don't remember much of last night. Feels foggy."
"Well you were getting double-teamed hon." Cadence giggled with a small smile. "Also, it probably would have been better if we didn't mention Eldritch while we were busy with you."
"Canterlot's weird." Lyra stated.
"Preach." Vinyl said with a groan.
"How far is it to Luna's room?" I asked rubbing my eye with a hand. "I think you need to console your lovebug."
"Awwwww, that's cute!" Cadence cooed, nuzzling her changeling. "Why haven't I thought of that?" She looked back at me. "It's not far. Wanna walk with us hon, I promise Eldritch isn't scary."
Chrysi shakilly nodded. "O-okay..."
Cadence got up and Chrysi did her best to hide herself behind the mare, though the queen was taller than the princess.
"You sure?" I asked with a looked at Chrysi. The queen tried even harder to hide behind her marefriend.
"We'll be fine." Cadence nuzzled the frightened queen.
"Gotta say, that's cute." Derpy commented.
"True." Lyra nodded.
Cadence started walking again, making the rest of the group simply follow her. Chrysi stayed right on her. "So, while we walk, who wants to hear the story of how Shining and I properly met Chrysi?"
I sighed. "This story's going to end in sex isn't it?"
> Story Time and running out of f***s to give (or, That's it! Time to leave!)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"-and so I walk in. Chrysi here is on top of Shining, as me obviously, and she doesn't notice a thing." Cadence continued her story, much to everyone's horror. Chrysalis was a deep crimson by this point. "Shining looks over, cool as a cucumber, and just says. 'Oh hey hon.' Chrysi freezing mid-bounce and slowly looks over at me. I just smirk and say. 'Having fun you two?'"
I leaned against a wall and slowly rubbed my head with a hand. While I expected a story, I hadn't expected Cadence to go into this much detail. Also, we'd been sitting outside of Luna's room for the past ten minutes. I had to silence the noise from the door to allow any of us to say anything.
I also learned Cadence couldn't take a hint from anyone. Once she got started on her story, she wouldn't stop. No matter how uncomfortable everyone got. I hope she isn't doing this on purpose.
Just..... fuck today..... I've just about ran out of fucks to give thanks to the pink alicorn.
"So I just trot over to the bed while Chrysi just stares at me in horror. I look over to Shining and say, 'Shiny, you started without me?' Shining plays along and says, 'Sorry Caddy, I could only stop her for so long.' By this point Chrysi has the cutest look of confusion on her face.-"
With I sigh I looked to see how everyone else was doing. Chryssi was sitting on her haunches, her whole body was pretty much beet red, and her head was in her forehooves. Derpy, being the kind mare that she is, has a foreleg around the poor bug, those the cute wall-eyed mare looked like she's doing her best to focus on anything else but the story currently being told. Lyra, in Eldritch Mode for some reason, has all of her eyes locked onto Cadence. The mare seems like she's engrossed in the story as if she was listening to a sermon. Vinyl had actually left a couple of minutes ago to try and find Octavia. I wasn't surprised by that. I'd prefer not to have all of the castle's guards unconscious by the end of the day.
"-get on the bed and I tell Shining, 'pull her close. I want her other hole.' Right as I say that I cast a little spell that gives me some helpful equipment.-"
Nope. Tuning that out.
I look over the the Guards stationed at Luna's door. The deep blue pegasi guard on the left had actually passed out, and I felt partly responsible for that. Thus I had set him on a bench opposite Luna's doorway.
The other guard looking to be doing his best not to listen the verbal sexual assault that streamed from the pink alicorn. He he'd taken off his helmet. His mane was a deep brown, his coat was a much lighter brown in comparison. He notice me looking at him. His orange eyes turned to gaze at me. He gave me an almost pleading look. Honestly he looked to be more uncomfortable of Cadence than he was scared of me, which makes sense all things considered.
Wait a sec...
Orange eyes.... Brown coat..... Brown mane....
My brow furrowed and I walked over to him. "Excuse me a moment. I just have  to check something."
He blinked then jumped as I lifted the armor off of his flank.
A blank unrolled scroll lay across his flank.
I took a breath and returned the armor to its rightful position, as my face went as blank as I could get it.
The guard blinked up at me, losing halfway between confused and scared.
"Blank Page?" I asked.
He nodded. His horn lit a yellowish gold and a pad of paper and a pencil levitated out of a bag at his side. He scribbled something and levitated the pad to me.
I got a look at it.
'Yeah. How do you know my name?'
I blinked. "For fuck's sake...." I breathed. I looked back at the now confused 'Blank Page.' "Sorry... It just seems that I'm running into a lot of ponies I really didn't expect to be seeing.... ever...."
Page tapped the notepad.
I gestured to all of me. "Does this answer your question?"
His brow furrowed and his face scrunched up in though. Then he gave me a nod that said 'you've got a point.'
"I hope I'm not being rude." I began, trying to be as tactful as possible. "But... do you happen to be mute?"
Page blinked in surprise then smiled and nodded. He undid a strap on his armor and the gorget around his throat fell away and hung limply. A rather large and gruesome scar crossed his throat.
I winced. "I'm so sorry."
He shrugged and reset the gorget around his neck. He then flipped a page on the notepad and scribbled something.
'It's fine. Got my throat torn up by a wolf when I was stationed in Trottingham when I first joined the guard.'
"God damn." I raised my brow and stared from the pad to the unicorn.
Page simply shrugged then flipped page and scribbled some more.
'So, oh great and frightening horror from beyond time and space, what brings you to Canterlot?'
"One, you're handling me rather well." I began, which made Page flip the page and scribble something.
'I'm stationed outside Princess Luna's room, I've seen things...'
I pointed at him. "Good point. Secondly, I'm here to foalnap Luna."
Page stared at me. He scribbled without looking at the paper.
'Come again?'
"Okay, full story. Celestia's currently at my floating island town, city, island chain thing." I pointed out the window. There was a clear view of my new home high above. "She told me that her sister never comes out of her room and spends her time gaming. Basically I'm here to pull her away from her games for a bit, so she can get some time outside. Though she'll probably be playing my games by the end of the day. Barring she finds where my games got moved to when I converted my apartment into the islands." I finished with a sigh.
Page raised a hoof and opened his mouth as if to say something. A rasping squeak came out. His face scrunched in annoyance and his scribbled on his pad.
'Want some help?'
I looked from the pad to Page. "Really?"
'I've heard and seen things since getting this position that I really wish I hadn't.'
"I bet you have." I nodded. "Sure, I don't know exactly what you'll do when we get in there, but anything's better than listening to that right?" I pointed at Cadence.
"-ining and I are spitroasting the queen. She can't keep my form up, so it drops. You would not believe what it feels like to fuck a changeling while they change form!-"
Page nodded rapidly.
"Okay." I turned to to door, paused , and turned towards Page. "Resist Sonic. Resist Thunder."
Page blinked and that and gave me an inquisitive look.
I shrugged. "I don't even know how loud it's going to be in there. I took a breath, turned back to the door, and opened it. It was dark inside the room, very dark.
Out of the darkness erupted a pillow. Which slammed into my chest.
Huh. So that's how Luna keeps ponies out of her room.
I shrugged and looked at Page. He simply sighed and shrugged. As one, Page and I stepped through the door and were immediately assaulted by noise. Metal blared from speakers located somewhere. The room smelled like unwashed pony and stale food, though there were notes of a few other unknown scents in there too. The only light in the room was coming from a big screen TV, which clearly showed that she was playing a ponified version of Call of Duty. Which one, I couldn't tell, however I know Call of Duty when I see it.
Something between a cackle and a giggle came from somewhere in the room. Didn't help that I couldn't really see shit. I took a step and a can crunched under my foot. I couldn't hear the crunch, but I clearly felt it.
Fuck. Is there a light switch somewhere?
I fumbled around a wall and after a minute or two actually found a light switch. I flicked it on.
Bad Idea. I was now blinded. I slammed my eye shut. I faintly heard a squeak, which had to be Page's reaction to being blinded. There was also a sound somewhere between a cry of surprise and a hiss.
"Who dares shine light upon mine form!"
The room shook.
I shook my head and opened my eye. There was a tad bit of blurriness but that swiftly faded away. The floor was covered in discarded drink cans, chip and junk food bags, and a few assorted articles of clothing. The deep blue walls bore a few stains of unknown origin. The bed I saw was a mess. Most of the sheets had been piled near the headboard. A cluster of blankets covered a huddled form, in front of which levitated an xbox controller held in a dark blue aura.
A deep blue head poked out of the assorted blankets. Light blue eyes blinked owlishly at me.
I stared at her. "Silence the music." The music immediately died. The only sounds were the faint rustling of Page's armor, the quiet sounds coming from the TV, and a faint rustle from the blankets.
"That's better." I nodded. "Hello Luna. I'm the physical manifestation of your lack of sleep. Call me Eldritch."
Luna blinked at me. "What?"
"I'm here to take you away to a floating city in the sky. How's that sound?" I asked. I heard some rasping chuckles coming from the near the doorway.
"What?" Luna asked again. Apparently she was still processing.
"Okay. Let's make this easy." I walked towards her and she shrank back in her blankets. I reached out a tentacle and booped her nose. "Go to sleep."
Luna collapsed like a flann in a cupboard. I then began the task of trying to extricate her from the blankets. It was a bit of a task. The sound of crunching  soon revealed Page, and the guard pony began his attempts at trying to get the mare out of the nest she'd made.
It took a few minutes, a few very annoying minutes of the two of us working together to get the princess out of her cocoon of blankets. As I picked her up. I gagged and coughed.
"Sweet Lord!" I managed.
Luna smelled absolutely horrible.
"First thing when we get to my place, have Tia give her sister a bath!" I growled as I transferred the sleeping mare to my right pair of tentacles. "Okay. Package retrieved. Now to leave." I looked at Page. "You can join us if you want?"
Page retrieved his pencil and notepad.
'Thanks, but I think it'd be better if I got the maids and cleaning staff in here as soon as possible. This may just be a health hazard.'
I looked around the room. "True...."
Together we forged our way through the floor that was less carpet and tile and more trash. On getting to the door and opening it, we found the Cadence was still going.
"-ysi's laying there twitching while-"
Chrysalis was on the floor with her hooves over her ears , as was Derpy. Lyra finally looked like she was getting uncomfortable and had reverted to normal pony form. Vinyl was back and had a blank expression on her face. Apparently she was done with this shit too. She'd also apparently been successful in finding Octavia, who was still wearing her black bandana, was looking at Cadence in horror.
Yeah.
I'm done here.
"Go to sleep! Chrysi or Shining can wake you when they feel like it!" I snapped with a little more venom than I expected to have.
Cadence's voice immediately died as her eyes flickered closed. She then flopped to the floor like a puppet with its strings cut, her head hitting with a resounding smack.
The hallway was dead silent.
A snorting grunt made my stomach spasm. "Oh-ho-ho! Shit!" I did my best to suppress the laugh that threatened to erupt from my gut. "Opps?"
Lyra, Vinyl, and Octavia blinked in shock at the dropped Princess.
"Thank you Higher Powers! She's finally done!" I jumped as Chrysalis cried with joy.
I found myself hugged by a very happy bug queen. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! She always does this! I can never get her to stop! It's awful!" Chrysalis nuzzled my chest as she whined piteously. "I don't want all our private times together to be shared with the world!"
I tentatively patted her head. "Ummm... You're Welcome?"
Chrysalis's face then scrunched. "What's that-" She blinked, pulled away, then noticed Luna. "Ooooohhhh..... Wait... You got her to go to sleep?"
"I made her sleep. There's a difference." I corrected her. "I'm not waking her up until she's had a bath and sleeps for a few hours at least."
"Good." Chrysalis snorted and backed away towards the sleeping Cadence. "Maybe now we can get someling to clean her room."
I felt a bump on my arm. I looked over to see Page holding up his notepad.
'You're pretty cool for an Eldritch Horror. I'm gonna go get the maids. I hope to see you again some time.'
"It was nice meet you." I said to Page as I reached a out a fist. Page bumped it with a hoof, put his pencil and notepad away in his bag, turned, and trotted away.
I turned back to  the group. Derpy was back up and was blinking at Cadence's sleeping form in confusion. Lyra, Vinyl and Octavia had trotted over to me.
"So, you got her?" Vinyl asked, sounding quite tired.
"Indeed." I nodded. We can leave now." I looked at Octavia. "No sneaking off."
Octavia jumped and stared up at me. "But-"
"No! Bad pony! No more knocking out guards. I don't want to attract even more attention on our way out and I don't want you disappearing." I said scoldingly.
Octavia sighed, pulled off her bandana, and let it drop to the floor. "Fine...."
"Thanks." Vinyl said with a half-hearted smile.
"I think I'm done sex for awhile..." Lyra muttered. Looking at her showed that she looked a little greener than usual. "Even I have my limit's.... Cadence just..... bleh......."
"She's asleep now." I reached out and patted Lyra's head.
"I got her." Chrysalis called out. I looked up at her as, in a wash of emerald flame, she returned to being Shining Armor. "I'll find her a spot to sleep for awhile in the barracks. If any guards come to me, I'll let them know that you and your friends are cool, and that Luna's being taken for her own good on her sister's orders."
"Many thanks." I nodded and smiled with my eye as the mare turned stallion levitated Cadence onto her/his back.
"Derpy." I called out.
Derpy jumped and snapped her head over to look at me. She blinked owlishly at me.
"You good?" I asked.
"Y-yeah.... Just.... a lot to absorb..." The grey mare was clearly overwhelmed.
"Want me to carry you? I'm pretty sure I know the way back to the kitchens. I wanna see if we can get something to eat before heading back home." I said as I caught Shining/Chrysi trotting of with Cadence draped over his/her back.
"Ummmm...." Derpy blushed a bit. "Sure..."
She trotted over and I wrapped a tentacle around her midsection. She wriggled a bit, trying to get comfortable then nodded at me.
"We good?" I asked. I got a set of nods in response. With that, I lead the way back down the hallway.





We walked in silence. I think most of us were tired.
I found the kitchen surprisingly quickly. Inside was the same yellow stallion chef.
"Excuse me?"  I announced, as I leaned into the kitchen doorway.
"Gah!" The chef jumped and nearly dropped the plate of cookies he'd been holding. He swiftly adjusted the plate and set it on a counter. "Oh! Hi again!" He said and waved as he saw us. "I thought you might come back this way, so I made you some cookies for the road." He blinked, gasped, and covered his mouth with is hooves. "Oh I'm so sorry Mister Eldritch! Was I not supposed to talk?"
I stared at the stallion. "Okay one, how do you know my name, and two, thank you for the cookies that's very kind of you."
The stallion blushed a little as he trotted over to join us in the hallway. "Sorry. I overheard Princess Celestia talking about you when I was bringing her her tea yesterday." He shuffled a bit. "And, you're welcome about the cookies. Oh! One sec!" He turned around and trotted back into the kitchen, he shuffled around, looking for something until he found what looked like a 'to go' box. "You can never been too prepared." He said as he gently tipped the plate so the cookies fell into the box. He then close said box, and trotted back to us.
"Why thank you Mister Bean." I nodded as I took the box.
'Baked Bean's' jaw dropped slightly. "You know my name?"
"Yes, but you wouldn't believe me if I told you how I know." I chuckled.
"Hey! Squidface!" A raspy feminine voice made me and all the others jump. "Put the Princess down!"
Wait
I knew that voice.
Why do I know that voice?
Wait....
No....
It can't be....
I turned towards the voice and saw two unicorn guard mares in gold armor that covered most of their bodies.
One was a blue-grey, with green eyes, a few strands of brown mane protruded from the helm she wore.
The second was white mare, slightly taller than her companion, yet with a smaller horn. Bright red eyes glared at me. A mane of black and red couldn't be contained within the helm she wore.
I felt a chill run through my entire body as I shivered. I felt the sting of tears at the corner of my eye.
I caught myself and swiftly reigned in my emotions.
"No!" I snapped at the guards as I pointed at them. "No! Fuck you! Fuck you both!" I jabbed a finger in their direction with each statement. "Fuck you for making me feel things I never wanted to feel again!" Both mares took a step back, the white mare's vigor died swiftly. "In fact, fuck today!" I pointed at the window to my right. "Fuck this window!" the eight by eight portion of the wall that contained the window simply disappeared, leaving the hallway open to the elements. "And Fuck gravity!" I felt myself lift of the ground as I heard Vinyl and Octavia yelp. I looked at Baked Bean and pointed at him. "Thank you for the cookies!"
"You're welcome!" He yelled back at me with a grin.
I looked back to the guard mares. "Fuck you both again! I love you! We're leaving and I'm taking the Princess with me!"
With a snort, I turned towards the opening I'd made. I glanced at my friends and noticed that they were held in a bruised purple aura. I also noticed that I myself was surrounded in that same aura.
I really didn't care anymore.
I shook myself, snorted again, and shot out the window, flying in the direction of home.
I could really use a filly hug right now.
> I Return (with a princess)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"E-Eldritch?" I heard Derpy say from next to me. Her voice came through clearly despite the wind.
"Hmmmm?" I stopped and looked at the mare stoll held in my tentacles.
"You're ummmmm..... You're flying." She said.
I blinked and looked down. Far below me stretched rolling hills, which slowly turned into fields. Fields which in turn lead in to Ponyville. Home could still clearly be seen, but it was a bit away.
I looked up back at here. "Yep."
"I- I honestly expected a bigger reaction." Derpy said blinking owlishly.
I shrugged. "Earlier I'd've been losing my shit, however right now I simply don't care."
"Okay.... Mind letting me go? Please? I feel a little uncomfortable being this high up without my wings moving, if that makes sense." Derpy scrunched up her face as she explained.
"Oh, of course. sorry." I said apologetically. I loosened up one of my tentacles, and allowed her wings to unfurl. Once she got a steady beat going I let her  go so she could fly on her own.
"Thanks." She smiled at me.
I found I didn't have the energy to give her a good eye-smile back. "You're welcome."
"Canterlot take it out of you?" Vinyl's voice made me turn to look at mares still held in my "grasp." Lyra, Octavia, and Vinyl were still surrounded in the purple aura, hovering in mid-air and gently bobbing up and down in my grasp. Octavia looked a little pouty, Lyra seemed out of it, and Vinyl looked worn out.
"Canterlot Castle took it out of me." I replied. "Canterlot is probably a nice place, Canterlot Castle on the other hand is a fucking nightmare."
"Yeah, seems legit." Vinyl nodded. "Kinda feel like I want a nap now."
"And I just want to hug Dinky until all my stress melts away." I chuckled. I paused. "Oh, do you want me to drop all of you off at Ponyville?"
"Sure, why not." Vinyl shrugged.
Octavia nodded somewhat stiffly.
"I'll stick with you." Lyra smiled at me, seemly back from wherever her mind had taken her.
"Yes please." Derpy nodded. "In fact, I should probably head that way now. I did leave work because I was panicked about that island in the sky. Oh, I hope I don't get written up for this!"
With a quick wave Derpy sped off towards Ponyville.
"Bye." I waved as she left.
I took a breath and looked back to the other mares. "Shall we?"
I got various forms of affirmation. With a weak eye-smile and a sigh, I turned and sped off towards Ponyville, the mares following in my wake.





I landed near the Town Hall. As my feet hit the dirt, I gently set my equine companions on the ground. Octavia still looked pouty. Vinyl seemed tired and was giving Octavia glances, as if to check if she was still there. Lyra hovered next to my, surrounded by her own glowing golden aura.

"Here we are." I rolled my neck and stretched my tentacles. I expected the neck pops. I didn't expect the tentacle pops. Blinking, I decided to not thinking about it, I didn't want a headache on top of everything else. Thus, I turned to the floating and glowing mare. "Lyra. Why the lightshow?"

Lyra shrugged, all of her eyes rolled. "Presentation."

"Huh. Point." I nodded in agreement.  "Can't fault you for that. I may have to steal your idea."

"So both of you would fly like a Dragon Ball character?" A voice spoke up between us.

And there's Pinkie. Because of course she'd be here.

I looked down at the mare. "Yep. Pretty much. How are things up there?" I gestured my tentacles upward.

"Good-ish. I'm setting up a party I'm not supposed to tell you about." Pinkie grinned. "Any thing else would be spoilers."

"Thank you Self-Aware Pony." I patted her head.

I hope they haven't broken anything.

I looked over at Vinyl and Octy. "Vinyl. You good?" I asked the tired mare.

"Eh?" She shrugged. "Still feel like I need a nap. And I should get her home so she can get some cello practice in." She jerked her head towards the charcoal mare who had found a cardboard box... Somewhere.

"Come on 'Tavi." Vinyl levitated the mare, who pouted again. "Let's get you calmed down."

"I'm fine Vinyl, put me down." Octavia complained, yet didn't struggle.

"You're halfway to putting on a bandana and racing off to the Everfree. You need to center yourself." Vinyl started to lecture as she walked aware with the mare in tow. "Now, close your eyes. Take a deep breath-"

I watched them go then looked at the box. "Pinkie. Want a box?"

"Sure!" She chirped and stuffed it in her mane. "I should get back up there. I had cookies in the oven."

Suddenly, she disappeared with a pop and a pink cloud of mist.

"I don't get her." Lyra commented dryly.

"I don't think you're supposed to." I shrugged. "Should we head up then? Need anything while you're in Ponyville?"

"Nah." She shook her head.

"Kay." I nodded. I took a breath and a purple aura lit up around me, accompanied by a familiar sound. "And this is to go further beyond." I chuckled to myself.

I looked at my slightly confused companion and levitated off the ground. Together we shot up towards home.





As we arced over the cliff edge of the central island I readied myself. I was both surprised and disappointed that nothing was different. Then again, looks could be deceiving.

We landed on the walkway, both our auras dissolving as we did. I heard some chatter but couldn't tell who it was from. As we walked down the path I spotted Dinky still playing on the TV I'd made. The other foals weren't far away. They were sitting on a separate path. They were surrounded by paper, pencils, and dice. Pip Had a Dungeon Master's Guide and a Monster Manual open in front of him.

My heart swelled a little bit. The kids were playing D&D. Yeah, I was a little disappointed that they lost interest in Chrono Trigger, but it wasn't all that surprising.

"Having fun?" I called out.

"Yes." Came the not-really-paying-attention response from the foals. However, there was a small impact against my stomach.

"Dad!" Dinky's cry was muffled, probably thanks to her face being firmly planted in my stomach.

"Hey Dinks." I patted her head. "How's everything? Holding the fort?"

"Chrono Trigger's awesome, the others got bored, Pip found your library, Twilight's been reading, Applejack and Pinkie have been baking, Princess Celestia has been wandering around the islands, and Rainbow Dash has been trying to keep the pegasi from flying up and exploring." Dinky rattled off quickly as she slid hack down the the path with a clop of small hooves.

"Well that's nice of her." Lyra commented with a sharp-toothed smile.

"Anybody else show up while I was gone?" I asked, raising my brow. "Because I don't remember AJ and RD being here when I left." I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. "Aght! No! Bad!" I pointed.

Dinky whirled around.

Button stared at us, wide-eyed, his hoof halfway to the SNES controller.

"Button!" Dinky roared and charged at him.

Button Mash bolted. I could hear his pleading cries as he did his best to nope away from the filly. "I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry!"

"What was that about?" Lyra blinked in confusion.

"Last time Button played Dinky's game he killed her character." I furrowed my brow. "I swore I Ordered him not to. Then again he didn't actually touch the controller."

"Eldritch. Lyra. You're back." Both of us turned to see Tia coming in for a landing. She stopped about a foot from us. "And you've brought my sister. Wait... Is she asleep?"

"She'd be more difficult to handle otherwise." I shrugged. "Here, clean this." I held out the dark lump of hoodie and pony that was Luna. Thankfully, Tia took her in her magic. "I'd recommend burning those clothes and finding a bathroom to wash her."

"Thank you." Celestia giggled and nuzzled her sister. She took a sniff and gagged. "Yes, I see what you mean." She subtley floated Luna a bit further away from her. "Care to join me inside? I'm sure the others would like to properly meet you, and I'm sure Twilight has questions."

"Sure. Sounds fun." I nodded with an eye-smile as we walked towards the palace.





Bean didn't know why he was here. He was sitting in a chair, in front of a table, with a very bright light shining in is face.

"You talked to it and gave it food! You have to know something! It foalnapped the princess!"

Oh yeah.

Bean blinked. "Ummmm he was nice? He seemed to like me for some reason? He didn't want me to talk too, which was weird, but then again he was a purple tentacle monster."

An exhaslerated groan came from beyond the light. "Fishy... Stop. Princess Cadence said it was fine. Princess Celestia explained about Eldritch yesterday. Don't you remember?"

"No I was hungover!"

There was a sigh. "Of course you were.... I mean, yeah he was kinda scary in the moment, but did you see the way he looked at us? It was like he knew us and it hurt him." There was another sigh.

There was scratching of pen on paper.

"Hmmmm? Oh Yeah. Page here also confirms the story everypony else knows." Bean could feel the eyeroll.

"It busted a hole in the castle wall and foalnapped the Princess! I won't be happy until I make it pay for it's crimes!"

"Celestia dammit Fishy...."

"And you're all coming with me!"

Bean blinked at the light. "We're what now?"