Cisarruj Equestria
Ah, what a beautiful day to be alive! The sun is shining, birds are singing, the air is a flutter with the gentle croaks of those weird orange frog things, and – The narrator suddenly gasped, pages fluttering as his script hit the nearest wall of the recording studio. Ponyville is under attack!?
“Raaaah!” A single, earth—or, more aptly, Equestria—shattering roar sounded through the streets, striking fear into the hearts of the inhabitants. Windows shattered, flower pots tumbled, and ears everywhere perked up to the encroaching thump, thump, thumping of massive feet through the streets.
Another roar, this time closer, and more terrifying, and ponies’ voices were heard screaming out in terror. “Monster!” And immediately the town was in a flurry of panic, the flower trio leading the way as ponies scattered for cover in every direction.
“Raaaar!” The venerable, Tyrana-Scoota-saurus Rex let out a second snarl into the heavens, baring her massive fangs as she towered above Ponyville. With every step she took, the ground trembled, and with every swing of her mighty, orange dragon–like tail, another building would crumble to the ground in wake of her awesome power.
Somewhere below her, a pony cried out. “Somepony help!” Roseluck screamed. She darted through the streets, dodging falling debris, weaved between Scoota-rex’s legs, ducked a clawed swipe, and slid across the square into the firm safety beneath Applejack’s Apple cart.
“Hey!” Another mare, orange in coat and mane, screamed out. She pushed against Roseluck with a hoof, whilst several other eyes glared from over her shoulder. “This is our hiding spot!” The other ponies nodded their agreement.
“Sorry, sorry”—Roseluck shook—“Just, you don’t have space for one more?”
“No way, Missy.” A mare directly behind her, from the right, butted in, squeezing her head further up in the enclosed space with them. “That’s what ah said three ponies ago,” Applejack whispered, “Ah can’t accept any more, otherwise we gon—”
RAAAAHHHHH
Applejack was promptly cut short by a blood curdling snarl. They all blanched, turning pale as ghosts as the cart was suddenly whisked away from atop their heads. “AHHHHH!” Everypony screamed and scattered.
ScootaRex watched with a toothy grin as the ponies ran from her, like little ants flying around. She let loose another, deathly roar, waving the cart in the air like a foal’s plaything, and tossed it clear across Ponyville.
The cart took flight, spinning as it soared through the air—intercepting one of the poor birds from earlier, and continuing on its way showering apples everywhere it went—and—“Look out!” Apple Filly B screamed. She leapt forwards, shoving Sweetie Belle out of the way moments before the cart came crashing down atop them.
It shattered, instantly destroying itself in a shower of broken wood and bruised apples, nearly missing our heroes by a hair. “Are ya alright?” Filly Apple B, asked. She slowly stood to her hooves, pulling Sweetie Belle up beside her.
They both stood, garbed in their heroic attire. Apple B in her usual ensemble of a pink dress, with bloomer bows on her hooves, and mid-length staff at the ready whilst Sweetie Belle, dressed a little more conservatively, dusted off her gala dress and levitated her heat-gem wand back into the air. “Y-yeah,” she nodded, slightly unsure. “What are we going to do, Apple B?” She glanced around at the relative destruction of Ponyville. ScootaRex’s roars still rumbled on the horizon, accompanied by the plumes of smoke, and cries of ponies in danger. “We have to get ScootaSaurus back to Tartarus—”
“Graah!” A roar passed between them, prompting a short grimace from both fillies.
Sweetie continued. “Back to Tartarus. Otherwise, if Princess Twilight finds out we—“
“No.” Apple Bloom cut in with a hoof to Sweetie’s mouth. The filly squeaked as her cheeks were forcefully puffed out, and was forced to listen with a pout and a frown as Apple B explained. “That’s not gon’na happen,” she said, resolute, and with a nod. “Ah may be out’a magic, but I’m sure if we put our heads together, we’ll come up with something.”
Sweetie’s eyes suddenly lit up. “Mmmfmmfm, mmmfmm!”
“Er...” Apple B looked to the filly with a raised eyebrow and then, after a moment of thought, she removed her hoof from the filly’s mouth. “Uh, sorry ‘bout that,” she apologised, blushing slightly.
Sweetie huffed, but continued regardless. “I have an idea!” She took a step forwards, trotting to where she could see past the pile of broken cart pieces, and pointed with her wand in the direction of the ScootaSaurus.
“Raaahh!” It roared, still stomping through the town, and coming dangerously close to the castle of friendship.
“You’ve used up all your magic, but I haven’t done anything! I can totally take her out if you give me a straight shot!”
“I—” Apple B seemed unsure. She trotted up beside Sweetie Belle, and watched over her shoulder at the progress of the orange beast. “I don’t know, Sweetie. It took me months to master my abilities. Ya think you can do it in an afternoon?”
“Don’t worry about that,” Sweetie responded with a smirk. Her wand floated up between them, picking up a bright light reflecting off their eyes as its magic activated. “Just get me close, and I can take care of the rest.”
~ ~ ~
“Yeeeah-haw!” Filly Apple B screamed, her southern drawl calling out over the deserted Ponyville streets. She leaned back, pulling on the stirrups, wind in her mane and the excitement of adventure pounding through her veins. She waved her sister’s hat, brandishing it wildly above her head as she steered their trusty steed—the the eight ton pumpkin-shaped, death-mobile-on-wheels, towards their destination.
Directly beside her, Sweetie Belle, for all she was worth, was shaking like a leaf and holding onto Bloom’s flanks for dear life. “I changed my mind!” She screamed to be heard over the rumble of the cart, tears peeking at the corners of her eyes from the force of wind. “This was a horrible idea!”
“It’s too late fer that now!” Apple B screamed back. Blanching, she switched the reins to her other hoof and thrust forwards with the other, pointing ahead. “Look!”
“Graaah!” Directly ahead, and approaching quickly, the Scoota-saurus towered over Ponyville. But mere steps away from the Castle of Friendship, she growled and snarled, flashing her fangs and waving the broken remains of town hall above her head.
In one mighty, whooping swoosh, she tossed the building to the ground, smashing it to rubble at her feet, and beat her chest in victory. Then, with a twirl of her mighty tail, she whipped the surrounding buildings from their foundations, showering the flaming city in their burning remains.
Apple B gasped, “Brace yerselves!” She clamped down on the reins and deployed countermeasures, pulling them back and to the right with all her strength.
The cart lurched and rolled, swerving in time to miss a farmhouse as it crashed to the ground beside them. And again, they narrowly missed certain doom as a pack of trees, Octavia’s house, and a giant boulder crossed their path.
Their last obstacle— Applejack’s Barn— soared out of the blue, catching both fillies by surprise. It crashed to the ground directly in front of them, leaving Apple B moments to scream, “Duck!” before they smashed through the front doors.
The far side of the barn exploded outwards in a mixed shower of feathers, hay, and broken cider barrels, and the pumpkin emerged almost unscathed. “Bleh—” Sweetie Belle, covered in dust, coughed and hacked, spewing feathers all over the place.
Apple Bloom glanced behind her, spying the barn for a second as it crumbled to a pile of useless planks in their wake. “Ouch.” That’s eight, she silently berated herself, eight times that thing’s been destroyed now. AJ’s going to kill me. However, she didn’t have much longer to think on her inevitable punishment as their destination drew close.
“Sweetie”— Apple B glanced beside her, taking her eyes off the road long enough to check on her friend. The filly was still clinging to her side, now covered in feathers and still coughing slightly into her mane. She had her muzzle pressed in between the frills of her dress and Apple B’s bun. “Ahm goin’ to get ya closer, okay?”
Sweetie’s ears perked, but she could only respond with the slightest of whimpers. Eventually, she shook her head, and picked her wand back up. It flicked and glowed slightly. “O-Okay,” she whispered, and returned to trying not to think of anything other than her happy place. Puppies, fuzzy kittens, angel bunnies, and... her cheeks warmed slightly, ...show tunes.
With another tug of the reins, Apple B set the pumpkin spinning. All together, they lurched sideways, the world turning at an angle to the cart as Bloom guided it, careening around the corner. Sweetie’s stomach dipped, and she turned a slight shade of green—with her magic wand shifting hues to match. Her cheeks puffed, and she uttered a quick “Urck” into her hoof.
The cart finally righted itself, landing with a resounding, squeaking, thump as its right wheels made contact with the gravel below. They passed two ponies—Cheerilee and Ditsy—hollering and flailing, galloping in the opposite direction, and then were brought to their destination.
“RAAAAAAHHHH” The Scoota-saurus’ roars sounded, deafening in the fillies’ ears overhead. A shadow fell across them, and both Sweetie and Bloom stared upwards, their mouths dropping as the monster towered over them, blotting out the sun.
One leg lifted, picking up a wind as it rushed to fill the chasm beneath, and the goliath surged forwards. The massive, clawed foot passed directly over them as they carried through between Scoota-Saurus’ legs.
Apple B was the first to recover. She poked Sweetie in the side, breaking the filly out of her stupor in turn. “Sweetie,” she screamed, “Now!”
“Huh?” Sweetie Belle blinked, glancing around slightly confused. She was still half in her happy place, thinking about show tunes, and half remembering what she was going to do.
“Sweetie Belle, now!” Apple B repeated, shoving her more forcefully in the side.
A light went on in Sweetie’s head, and she perked. “Wha—o—” She looked to Bloom, then to the pumpkin, to the monster towering above them and slowly progressing towards the castle of friendship, and then to the wand in her magic. “O-oh!”
Sweetie sat up straight, whipping out her wand and activating its magical power. In time, Apple Filly B pulled the pumpkin to a screeching holt to aid her aim.
“By the powers that be, the powers they have given me!” She screamed near the tops of her lungs, reciting the magic words best she could. “Never fear, for I am here! Sweet, Filly Sweetie B!”
Holding her wand high, there was a bright flash and a flood of rainbow light as her magical powers activated. Channelling the strength of the magical filly forces of good and happiness, she spun around, taking to the air and transforming into her super-hero form—which didn’t look any different, mind you, but still.
“Super day-saving-walrus magic beam!” There was a flicker of light from deep inside her wand, the air around them charged and surged with static electricity as she zeroed in on her target. “Go!”
In an explosive crescendo, her magic burst to life. A blinding light flashed out, forcing Bloom to jump for cover. Sweetie grit her teeth, bracing herself against the force, as a beam nearly twice her size exploded from the front of her wand—hurling a constant stream of glowing hearts, unicorns, and smiling flowers towards her foe.
“Raaah!” Scoota-Rex was taken completely off guard as the first blast hit her, pummelling into her from behind. “Aaaaahh!!” She roared in pain, doubling back and taking a first step away from the Castle of Friendship, and then another.
She spun around, shielding her eyes from the torrential onslaught, and was about to make another step forwards towards the fillies, when she suddenly doubled back, flattening the castle in one foul swoop, and screamed, “Ow! Sweetie Belle!”
Scootaloo winced, shielding her eyes. She retreated back, crushing the cardboard castle beneath her hooves. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and she batted at the oncoming volley with her hooves as they flew her way. “Quit it!” she shouted, annoyed, “No throwing blocks!”
Sweetie Belle froze, one wooden block still floating in her aura beside her whilst several more waited, huddled between her hooves. Another tumbled through the air between them and clonked harmlessly to the ground in the middle of their make-pretend model of Ponyville.
“Oh...” Sweetie Belle blushed, dropping the remaining blocks. “Sorry, Scoots.” She flashed an awkward grin, looking to Apple Bloom with a sideways glance. “...I guess I got a little bit carried away.”
“I’ll say,” Apple Bloom deadpanned. She crossed her hooves, still holding the model pumpkin cart in one whilst she gave Sweetie the ‘are ya’ll kiddin’ me?’ eyebrow glare she so fondly inherited along with her sister. “Maybe we should play something else?”
~ ~ ~
The screeching of tires, thunderous rumbles of engines running, and the roaring cheers of the crowds. Ponies of all shapes and sizes gathered around Ponyville, crowding the sidelines, stamping their hooves in the open dirt and screaming at the tops of their lungs. Mares stood and flew, with fillies leaning over their heads with sparkling eyes and wide mouths, waving their flags, spectators to their idols.
...AND SCOOTA-RACER ZERO PASSES THE FINAL BEND!
The announcer’s voice, a deep baritone one could pair to nopony else than a Mr Big Mac, boomed over the intercoms, instantly lost to the din as the crowd’s cheers reached new heights. There was a distant, rumbling drone. Some pony shouted, “There she is!” and the crowd went wild, clambering forwards, cramming against the barrier, screaming and cheering, and looking around frantically for their hero.
As if on cue, the crowd watched in awe as our hero’s racer appeared around the bend. Its sleek design, thin and low, painted white with its characteristic orange stripes, tore down the course. It came, and was gone in a blur, leaving everypony knocked back, a cloud of dust in its wake.
“Good job, Scootaloo!” Apple Bloom’s voice, loud and clear—almost painfully so—crackled in her right ear.
Wincing, Scootaloo adjusted the volume down, before turning up the microphone to respond. “Thanks, Bloom,” she shouted back, “But we’re not out’ta hot water yet. Where’s Belle? Do you see her anywhere on the radar?”
“Hold on.” Bloom’s voice came back. There was a click, the ruffling of papers, and the intercoms went suspiciously quiet.
“Um...” Scootaloo frowned. She glanced down, away from the road for a second to check her instruments. Indeed, her cockpit was still a flush with green lights and gauges, nothing she could see wrong on her end. She tapped the side of her helmet. “...Are y—”
“—Behind you!” The intercoms suddenly cut back in, leaving Scootaloo with just the briefest snippet—and a searing migraine—as Apple Bloom screamed into her ear.
“G’ahhh!” She almost jumped, swerving across the road before finally righting herself. “Wha—” Scootaloo was about to ask what that was about, when she heard it. Her ears perked to the slightest change. It wasn’t clear due to her helmet, but that sound was unmistakable, and she was sure it wasn’t just her ears ringing.
There was another racer behind her. She could hear the sound of her engine, only just audible beside the sounds of her own. It roared with a determined thunder, slowly growing closer as the source approached.
The filly racer barely had a moment to respond. She braced herself, shook and knocked back into her seat as something heavy rammed her from behind. “—she’s behind you!” Apple Bloom was heard, again.
The intercoms croaked, and Scootaloo screamed back, “I know!”
The onslaught continued, repeated as the anonymous racer repeatedly rammed into the back of Scootaloo’s vehicle. Sparks flew between them, and shrapnel broke loose as Scootaloo fought back, defending her position form the leading champion: Racer S.
The car slowly pulled up to her right, a goliath of a truck. Trundling at full speed, it towered over Scootaloo’s comparatively small racer. Sporting its neon racing stripes and no shortage of spikes, the racer practically shone, painted all pink with the occasional ribbon flapping in the wind. Inside, the pilot looked to Scootaloo, a wide smirk spreading below her visor as she slowly pulled ahead.
Scootaloo grunted, whispering a silent curse under her breath. She should’ve known she was going to be pulling dirty tricks like this. She gritted her teeth, spitting, “Not in hay, you’re not,” and beat her hoof against the accelerator.
The change was immediate, as Scoota-Racer Zero lurched forwards. There was a literal explosion behind her, and the whole vehicle leapt forwards, trailing a blue flame behind it.
She heard the announcer’s voice chiming in once more over the intercoms, reading off what she already knew. “It looks like Scoota-Racer Zero has activated her Secret Weapon. There’s no way she could possibly lose now!”
It was true. The double, ultra, mega, afterburners were state of the art. Crafted by Princess Twilight Sparkle herself, there were none like them. Yes, there was no way anything could possibly go wr—
CLONK
“What.” Scootaloo swerved. She did a quick double take, glancing back in her rear-view mirrors just to be sure she didn’t just imagine that. “Was that a—”
Another one; this time, ricocheting off her windshield, the object hung within sight just long enough for Scootaloo to make out what it was. “What in the—”
CLONK-CLONK-CLONK-CLONK
“AHHH!” Scootaloo screamed. Her racer swerved, traction and visibility lost as the entire course was swarmed by a literal downpour. All around her, the Scoota-Racer Zero shook and rattled, its windshield shaking and cracking under the force as it was pummelled by thousands upon thousands of colourful, wooden blocks.
One final turn, and it was all lost. The Scoota-Racer Zero ploughed through the sidelines, exploding in a shower of broken hay bales, pine needles, and tree sap.
“Sweetie Belle!” Scootaloo and Apple Bloom shouted in unison. Glares all around were directed to the filly in question, standing over their pretend track with yet more blocks floating around in her aura.
She glanced between her two friends. Silence fell across the tree-house, broken only by the rhythmic patter and drum of raindrops against the thin roof.
“...what?” she asked, confused.
And again, when neither of the two made any move, other than to glare at her harder, Sweetie Belle wilted. “Whaaaat?” she repeated, “I thought we were still playing ‘monster’?”