Dear Sunset Shimmer...
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
As you can tell, I have retrieved my book from the Crystal Mirror in the Castle of Friendship. I am not in the correct state of mind to talk to you right now, so kindly hoof your journal over to Twilight as soon as you read this.
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Twilight’s kinda tuckered out from everything that happened and has been napping throughout the train ride. Should I wake her?
Your ashamed subject,
Sunset Shimmer
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
No. If there is no alternative, I will just have to discuss this with you instead.
Allow me a moment to compose myself.
…
Very well. Let’s start at the beginning. I want you to know that I am extremely disappointed-
Yeah. Look, this time I admit that everything is totally my fault. But-
Please don’t interrupt my writing. Now, I have just received a very troubling message via a frost sprite messenger. Sunset, I want you to try to recall our last meeting before you left Canterlot. Do you perhaps remember me suggesting that it would be better if I handled this visit?
Your very patient ruler,
Princess Celestia
Yes. And yes, I admit I insisted that I could do it just fine. I’m so sorry.
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
Indeed you did. I explained, very clearly, that relations between Equestria and the Reindeer Ecclesiocracy are very important to me. A thousand years ago, Queen Velvet was instrumental in helping Luna and I find the Elements of Harmony to defeat Discord, and more recently, they have been incredibly generous with their hay stockpiles during our harsher winters.
You may also remember me mentioning that the current ruler, Queen Chiffon, has always been somewhat irked by pony artists constantly depicting her subjects wearing glowing clown noses. She was significantly more disturbed by the sudden surge of pony authors writing pornographic literature portraying her very egalitarian and sexually conservative society as being full of misogynistic rapists. And this is not at all helped by the follow-up trend of equally misogynistic literature about other-dimensional psychopaths brutally murdering reindeer for being misogynistic rapists.
So, recalling that I explained all this to you very slowly and with great emphasis just before you left, I would like to ask if, perhaps, you somehow misheard my instructions.
Because I know for a fact that I said, “Try to smooth our bad relations with Queen Chiffon”, and not “Try to smoothly bed Queen Chiffon’s relations”.
Very serenely yours,
Princess Celestia
Yes. I swear, it just an honest misunNo. No, you were very clear on that.
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
You see, I am somewhat baffled. Because I was very certain that this would have been a straightforward visit to a historically friendly nation, never mind recent minor friction. All you had to do was meet the royal family, accept their hospitality, and attend a festival. I was absolutely positive that, since the reindeer abhor political deception and have always accepted our minor ambassadorial gaffes with good humor, handling this event was well within your advanced social capabilities.
So naturally, I was somewhat surprised to read that, a mere twelve hours after you were warmly welcomed by Queen Chiffon, you and Twilight somehow managed to sleep with her only daughter.
I am expecting that you have a positively stellar explanation for this.
Your irate ruler,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Honestly, no. No, I don’t.
Look, I don’t have any excuses. We arrived in the late afternoon, met the royal family, and things were going just fine at first.
The thing is, Princess Gossamer happens to be really interested in Equestrian culture – it turns out she’s a huge fan of Countess Coloratura. When she found out that Coloratura grew up in Ponyville, she wouldn’t stop talking to me and Twilight, so we ended up chatting even after the reception ended. That’s why she followed us back to the guest chambers.
The good news is, we did get to know her pretty well-
YES, SUNSET, I AM VERY MUCH AWARE THAT YOU DID.
I know. We’re thoroughly ashamed of ourselves, I promise.
Well, when we arrived, we found out that our entourage was kind of having a little celebration of their own, though it was totally under control, honest. But we decided to join them for a little wine, and since Princess Gossamer was with us, she happily had some too. And then when she found out we had brought some Sweet Apple Acres Hard Cider (brewed by Coloratura’s childhood friend Applejack, no less) she insisted on trying some. And by ‘some’, I mean ‘three pints’. Then somepony found a bottle of Berry Punch’s gin, and… well, that’s when things started to get a little out of hand.
Look, I know that Queen Chiffon is furious that we slept with her daughter. I’m utterly mortified at our actions.
Your subject,
Sunset Shimmer
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
You cannot possibly be this clueless. While Queen Chiffon isn’t exactly pleased, she’s still willing to accept her rebellious daughter’s life choices, however poor they may be. And while anypony would consider your above actions a titanic feat of diplomatic stupidity, I’m positive that you’re fully aware that it’s not quite the reason you and Twilight have both been officially declared equina non grata throughout the Ecclesiocracy.
It is what happened later on, Sunset, that makes me wonder if perhaps you might have forgotten some of the details in the ambassadorial brief on reindeer culture that Applethorn spent fourteen hours meticulously compiling for your benefit.
Your very unhappy ruler,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I might have maybe skimmed it?
Your very terrified subject,
Sunset Shimmer
YOU SKIMMED A CULTURAL BRIEFSunset, I want to emphasize that, in future, were I to somehow go insane and allow you to attend another diplomatic visit, you will be expected to fully acquaint yourself with the other nation’s culture beforehand.
If you did, you might have, for instance, been aware that besides serving as the home of the reindeer royal family, the royal palace also functions as the largest religious temple in the entire nation.
It is entirely out of curiosity that I ask: are you familiar with why, exactly, the high altar is permanently covered in a curtain?
I kinda am now. They told me right afterwards that they only uncover it during the Festival of Restraint.
Yes, Sunset. A festival, mind you, of fasting and abstinence, during which the entire reindeer nation is supposed to piously refrain from vice, including alcohol and sex.
Yeah. Our bad. We know we really, really screwed up.
Which is why I completely understand if Queen Chiffon might be somewhat offended when, at the grand unveiling of the high altar the next morning, she – along with three thousand other reindeer in attendance – was greeted with the doubtlessly surprising sight of you fetlock-deep inside the royal princess.
Look, it wasn’t just me! I mean, Twilight was there too-
Sunset, am I supposed to feel better that Princess Gossamer was publicly sandwiched between my Prime Minister and a Princess of Equestria?
No. No, I’m sorry.
So can you tell me why, of all the places in the royal palace on which you and Twilight could possibly choose to get busy with their princess, did you settle on their one monument to purity on the morning of their holiest festival?
Well, it was actually Princess Gossamer’s idea, and I mean, we were trying to do it exactly how she wanted…
“Woo! We’re breaking like, eleventeen different taboos all at once! This is so HOT!”
“Oooooooooh yeah… H-hey wait. Princess, shouldn’t we leave before we get caught in here?”
“Pfft noooo! The guards aren’t even allowed in here until dawn, and that’s three hours away! We’re sure to be done by then!”
“Well… fine then, hahaha! Hey Twilight, you okay? You look pretty sloshed out of your wits.”
“Ahm not drunk! I’m jes tryin’ to remem… rember sumtin’ really important about this plac’she… Aww, fergeddit. I wanna… wanna kiss’sh both of you pretty girls…”
“Woo! Three-way tongue smooch! C’mon, Sunset!”
“Woo!”
…
Sunset – I’ve been meaning to ask you this: over the course of your life, you’ve managed to get yourself into bed with Princess Cadance, Princess Twilight, my sister Princess Luna, and now, Princess Gossamer. I cannot help but notice a pattern here. Is there some kind of list you’re ticking off with alarming speed?
More importantly, should I be concerned that I might be on it?
Nonono! I swear, there is no way that I’d ever put you on a list like that–
I mean, not that I’m implying that you aren’t stunningly attractive–
What I meant to say is that there's no such list at all, honest. But you'd totally be on it if–Look, I give up. I can’t think of an answer to that question that doesn’t sound really awful.
Sunset, I have no desire to be a prude. I am determined not to interfere with whatever my little ponies do in the privacy of their own bedrooms - or even outside them, for that matter. And I know it is not your fault that Luna has a great deal of trouble with basic social awareness.
But I want you to understand that it is very definitely your fault that, despite my fervent protests, I now regularly have to listen to my baby sister proudly describe her newfound sexual freedom in excruciatingly graphic detail.
“And that, dear sister, was how Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer bestowed upon me the magic of friendship!”
“Please, Luna, not at breakfast…”
“With their tongues.”
“Luna, I swear, if you ruin my warm runny eggs for me, I’m going to-”
“Of course, by ‘friendship’, I mean ‘with benefits’. And by ‘magic’, I mean ‘orgas-’”
“HOLY COW YES I GET IT LUNA PLEASE STOP.”
Let us return to the question I asked earlier, Sunset. There is a very good reason the reindeer keep their high altar behind a curtain for most of the year. I find it somewhat annoying that you didn’t know this, because you should by now be well acquainted with the nuances of sympathetic magic, especially with all those dissertations on the Crystal Heart written by Sunburst.
Uh, I don’t think that I ever-
Sunburst, Sunset. He was your classmate at CSGU before your exile? You once mentioned attending your class reunion together? A close friend of Starlight Glimmer, your marefriend’s housemate? A member of your inner cabinet?
No, I mean, I know who he is. I just haven’t finished reading everything he wrote about the Crystal Heart.
…I suppose I cannot blame you for that. Well, Sunset, in brief, the Crystal Heart channels emotion that is fed into it and amplifies it across a nation-sized area – and it is not the only artifact capable of such a feat. Now, I am just going to assume that you had no clue why of all things, the reindeer, a normally openly emotional and straightforward species, would have a festival dedicated to restraint.
I’m also guessing that you had no idea that for reindeer, both males and females go into heat.
So I am certain it likely came as a surprise, when the curtains fell around the three of you, you found yourselves in the center of a magical ritual specifically designed to transfer the altar’s magical tranquility to the entire nation’s adult population and thus dampen that troublesome biological urge.
An altar upon with the three of you had been channeling four hours-
Five, actually…
-five hours of non-stop-three-way fillyfooling.
Sunset, I would just like to ask, before we continue: At the time you and Twilight left the Ecclesiocracy, was the orgy still going on?
Yeah. The whole city's been at it for like, two days now, only stopping to eat and sleep. And yes, before you tell me anything else, it’s been fully explained to me why their entire species would want to avoid going into heat at all.
Especially in a way that would cause a city-wide orgy.
“FREE! AFTER A THOUSAND YEARS, FREE AT LAST! FOOLISH REINDEER, YOUR PRISON OF ABSTINENCE COULD NOT HOLD ME FOREVER! LET ALL THE WORLD HAIL SLOOTESH, CHAOS GODDESS OF DEBAUCHERY!”
22 minutes later…
“You wish! EAT RAINBOW FRIENDSHIP LASER, DIRTBAG!”
You can imagine my alarm, Sunset, when Discord told me he was running off to visit his sister. We should all be glad that Twilight is by now very much accustomed to dealing with this sort of thing, because it could have ended much worse than the way it did.
I suppose I shall have to painstakingly repair relations with the Reindeer Ecclesiocracy on my own, even if it might take a few decades-
Actually, Princess Celestia, I don’t think you have to worry about that.
…
Excuse me?
Well, the thing is, it turns out that the Chaos Goddess of Debauchery is actually very nice after you flatten her with one-point-twenty-one gigahugs of friendship laser.
And just one more thing I learned about reindeer this week is that they take gods pretty seriously (I mean, they even give Discord his own feast day). They also don’t have any need for a Festival of Restraint any more, not to mention they all apparently really enjoyed the giant party-
Sunset, when I asked you to improve relations with the Reindeer, I didn’t mean to do it by causing a total religious and sexual revolution.
I know. Look, Queen Chiffon is very grateful to Twilight for stopping Slootesh. And she’s promised that relations with Equestria will return to being warm and friendly, especially since they’re going to be busy dealing with the social changes involved with the addition of a new festival for giant drunken sex parties, and might need a little help from us. Princess Gossamer has been appointed the new High Priestess of Slootesh, a job she’s apparently really happy to have, and it also looks like their decades-long decline in birth rates is going to suddenly be reversed, especially since they already have these incredible childcare policies that Twilight says we should totally emulate.
I see. This wasn't what I had in mind when I allowed you to handle the visit, but I suppose, since it did end up with the result I wanted, I can forgive the mistakes made in reaching that goal. Please try to be more careful in future, Sunset. Don't imagine it has escaped my notice that Twilight was the one who really solved the problem, not you.
Nevertheless, I'm glad that things appear to be looking up for the reindeer in the years to come.
Yes, they do.
…
Twilight and I are still banned from ever going back, though.
THE END