> Contentment
>  by AlicornPriest
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Contentment
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

It wasn't often Applejack visited Fluttershy. Thankfully, Fluttershy didn't seem to notice how unusual this event was, so she went through the usual niceties. "Would you like some tea? Coffee? Juice?"

"Tea would be great, thanks." Applejack looked about for a seat she could take. Fluttershy would take the couch, of course, so that left one of the little stools squeezed towards the side. She awkwardly pulled it closer to the center of the room before balancing herself atop it. How anypony sat on these, she had no idea.

Once Fluttershy returned carrying the two hot mugs, she offered Applejack hers before sitting down on the couch. "So how is everything?" Fluttershy began.

"Oh, just great. Apple Bloom's doin' a great job with her Crusader business. They're making a lot of ponies happy here in Ponyville. Granny's been meetin' with Filthy Rich to renegotiate their deal--he wants a bigger cut, and ain't that just the way?" Fluttershy nodded uncertainly, and Applejack went on. "As for Big Mac, he's doin' fine. Spending a lot more time with them flower sisters, though whether it's Rose, Daisy, or Lily he's tryin' to woo, I don't rightly know. Though if I had to guess, it'd probably be Lily. She's always been the charmer of the three." Applejack stopped suddenly and laughed. "But here I am gabbin' my gums. How are things with you, Fluttershy?"

"They're good," she replied. "I've been helping one of my mouse friends, Missy, with an infected ear. She's recovering nicely. I've also been heading out to the fields to collect wildflowers, like those there." She gestured to the vase next to Applejack.

Applejack looked at it closely. Fluttershy had found a neat variety of blue, cyan, and purple and bundled them together very artistically. "Why, those look mighty nice!" said Applejack.

"Thank you," said Fluttershy. "But, um, I wanted to ask you something."

"What's that?"

"When I asked you how things were going, you told me about everything your family is doing... but you didn't mention yourself."

That had been an accident; she hadn't meant to tip her hand so soon. "Oh, it's nothing interesting right now. Lots'f keeping the house clean, tending the trees, cookin' for the family."

"Nothing worth telling me about?" Fluttershy asked. The way she said it didn't sound mean-spirited or confused; it sounded more like a psychologist trying to prime a response from a patient. Granted, that was arguably why Applejack was here in the first place, but it still irked her.

Applejack scoffed. "Not really, no. It's the same as every other day. Same as yesterday, and the day before that, and tomorrow, and the day after."

"You don't do anything else other than that?"

"I'm here right now, ain't I?" Applejack growled. 

Fluttershy squeaked and retreated behind her mane; Applejack regretted her attitude immediately. "Oh! I'm sorry," Fluttershy said. "I was just curious. Have you been visiting everypony else recently?"

Applejack sighed. "No, and that's the problem." She paused for a moment, then continued, "Fluttershy, y'all ever plan on getting hitched?"

"Like, get married?" Fluttershy tipped her head to the side. "Yes, eventually. It's... hard, when I have so much trouble meeting new ponies, but I'm hoping I'll find the right mare for me soon. Why do you ask?"

The question she expected was notable for its absence. "Cuz I've been thinking about the same thing, and... I just don't know. Twi and Rarity have had their crushes--Flash for Twi, Blueblood and that Trenderhoof fella for Rarity. Rainbow I'm not quite sure, but considerin' how she's bonded with the Wonderbolts, she'll either take a likin' to one of them or meet somepony else out on the road. And Pinkie?" Applejack laughed. "As soon as some stallion or mare can learn to keep up with Pinkie, I'm sure she'll settle down in a heartbeat. But me? I don't know."

She stopped for a second and looked into her tea. "Like, when that Trenderhoof guy was all head over heels for me, it's not as though I thought he was ugly or nothin'. I just didn't feel anything. And I think about bein' married, or bein' single all my life, and I just don't care one way or another."

Fluttershy cooed and waved a wing in Applejack's direction. "That's nonsense, Applejack. You'll find somepony to love someday, I'm sure of it."

"Not if I don't go out and try, I won't!" She waved to accentuate this, and some of her tea spilled out of her cup. "Oh, shoot. Sorry 'bout that."

"It's all right. I've spilled plenty here." Fluttershy smiled, and Applejack simply felt more and more guilty.

"Still..." Applejack said, a little more sedate this time, "the truth is, I don't have anything interesting to share because I'm not doing anything with my life."

"Why would you say that?" Fluttershy asked. This should have sounded to Applejack like the psychologist again, but it carried with it the tone of somepony who was afraid they might need to schedule an intervention soon.

"Other than because it's true?" Applejack snorted. Fluttershy nodded. "Because... I see it. I see everypony, all of my friends, out doing stuff with their lives. They're gettin' better, reaching their goals, and I'm doin' the same as I always have. And I guess--"

"You wanted to talk to me because you thought I was the same," Fluttershy whispered. 

"...Is that a horrible thing to think?" Applejack said, knowing the answer.

"I can take it in the spirit it was meant," Fluttershy said, surprising her. "You were looking for the pony that could help you the best. You're lost and sad and afraid, and I could help comfort you."

"That's the thing, though. I'm not sad or afraid. I'm perfectly content. But, well..."

"Seeing everypony else, you feel like you shouldn't be." Applejack nodded. "If that's the case, I can't help you. I'm not content. I'm still trying to overcome my shyness. I want to make more friends, open myself up. I'm getting to know the other Ponytones, and that's helping a lot." Fluttershy paused, then said, "It's Daisy, by the way. Big Mac meets with her after rehearsal."

"Ah. Shoulda figured." Though Applejack wondered how Fluttershy had beaten her to information about her own brother.

"But even if I didn't have that, I'd still want to keep growing. I have many more species of animals to learn about. I have my flight strength to improve. I'm trying to get my certification in aromatherapy and meditation so I can lead a session at the spa."

"Oh! Wow! I hope that goes well for ya, Flutters," said Applejack.

"Why, thank you, Applejack." Fluttershy bowed in appreciation. "And if I can find these kinds of activities, surely you can too, right?"

"I suppose, but... what would I even pick?"

Fluttershy laughed. "If there's one thing I've learned from the Cutie Mark Crusaders, it's that you can do basically anything if you want. Even if you're terrible at it, it's worth a shot."

"But... I don't want to pick anything." It was strange, to feel all sorts of different ideas come forward, then slide off her mind as though they were being kept away by a glass block. "None of it seems worth the trouble. The money I'd have to spend, the time away from the farm..."

Fluttershy began to fidget. "That's... that's the whole point. Branching out means leaving your farm more frequently."

"I know that, but..." How to explain it? "I'm really busy on the farm. If I were going to do something else, it'd have to be worth cutting out work time."

"That can't be true, Applejack," Fluttershy said. "Big Mac has time to get out. You have time to get out, like you are right now. What's the real reason you don't want to start something? Are you afraid you won't be any good at it? Are you afraid of looking bad?"

"No, that ain't it." The real reason, if she really thought about it, would have to be... "I'm afraid of changing things, I think. If'n I was bad at something, I could just get better. But if I was wasting my time, that'd mean I made a bad change."

"You sound just like Twilight." Fluttershy giggled. "You can't make a single change to your schedule, or everything will be wrong."

"You're right. We're pretty similar like that." Applejack smiled, but it was short-lived. "The difference is, Twilight's real smart. Once she makes a schedule, she keeps it. If she's gonna change it, it's because of something outside of her control. I don't have a problem with stuff like that, but... well, here I'm trying to change it myself, and that's a million times scarier than somethin' comin' around and interrupting me."

Fluttershy gave Applejack a skeptical eye. "An interruption is less scary than making your own choices?"

"Of course! If I have to go run to Las Pegasus for a weekend, or the farm gets invaded by molemites, I know I've gotta do what's gotta be done. But coming up with a new hobby... it don't have to be done, right? It'd be me tryin' to tinker with the formula. It'd be so much easier to just... accept the way things are."

"But it does have to be done, Applejack. You can't keep being a good sister, a good friend, if you're miserable all the time!"

"But I ain't miserable," Applejack said. "At least, if I am miserable, I'm foolin' everypony pretty well, includin' myself."

"I think you have fooled yourself," Fluttershy said. "I don't think the feeling you're feeling is contentment. I think it's resignation. You've decided you can't have anything more than the farm, and you've convinced yourself you're fine with that. The question is why you decided that, and how to change your mind."

"...I think you're wrong on that front, but not that I'm unhappy," said Applejack. "I think, if I look deep down, I don't feel I should have the farm either, and it's only because I do right now that I'm takin' care of it."

"What do you mean?" Fluttershy asked. "Why shouldn't you have the farm?"

"It ain't like that," Applejack said, shaking her head. "It's more like... if the entire farm burned down, salt and ash, no hope of recovery... I could be content. I could just move on, find something else. When Granny Smith dies--if Big Mac and Bloom die 'fore me--I'll be okay. I wouldn't be happier--Celestia, no--but sadder? I'd just move on. I can hold on."

"So you don't feel you deserve anything? And anything else, you're just lucky to have?"

"Mm-hmm." Applejack was trying to rub the tears away as quickly as she could, but a few slipped by. "I'm not going to let go of what I have, but adding anything else? Does it even matter?"

"Of course it does!" Fluttershy said. She was starting to tear up as well. "You're not an apple tree, rooted to the earth, producing apples year by year until you die. You have the right to make choices and be happy!"

"But it's... better, this way, to just let go. This way, I don't hurt nobody, least of all myself. I can just hide on my farm and be safe."

"You can't, Applejack." Fluttershy shook her head. "You can't. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here. There's something inside you that wants to keep growing, that won't sit still. And as to hurting us..."

Fluttershy sat down next to Applejack and placed her hoof on Applejack's. "You have to let us make that decision for ourselves. Because for all the value you bring to our lives, we can survive a little bit of hurt now and then."

To Applejack's chagrin, she was now weeping openly. "You're right. You're so right, Fluttershy. I'm so afraid of things changing, but I'm even more afraid of nothing never changing again. I don't want to be done here, exactly where I am, but I have no idea where to go."

Fluttershy thought about this for a while. "How about... cooking? You like to cook, right?"

"I suppose," Applejack replied. "Just what we need to survive, or pastries to sell. I don't really think about it."

"Then how about this? Talk to some of the ponies in Ponyville and ask for some new recipes. Even if it's just Pinkie to start with. Then go home and make those recipes, one a day, until you mess up on one. That's the one I want to hear about."

Applejack was flummoxed. "The only one you want to hear about... is the one I fail at? Why in tarnation would that be the one in particular?"

"Because then, when you're making it, you won't feel disappointed. You'll feel happy, because it'll be the one you can tell me about. And it's the one you'll have to improve on, until you can make it correctly. And then you'll know for a fact that you've grown."

"That's mighty wise of you, Fluttershy," Applejack said. Her tears had dried up, and she could finally smile. "I shouldn't've waited so long to talk to you."

"No, you shouldn't have," Fluttershy replied, grinning. "But now that you're here, we can start from scratch. And maybe we can build you up to finding a special somepony for you."

"Baby steps, Flutters," Applejack said. "For now... I can feel like I'm not standing still. I... I can feel alive."