How do you stay strong when your interrogators are this adorable!
The Union, the powerful government that rules the entirety of mankind, has waged war on a faraway world. How will Jack, an unwilling conscript, deal with being captured by humanities most recent foe, ponies. Who will crack first, Jack, or his equestrian captors.
This story now has a sequel: Integration Is Pointless. Feel free to check it out, or don't, I'm not forcing you to.
My name is Jack, and I am cannon fodder. Yeah, off to a good start already, huh. But that's just the way it is. The Union had discovered some alien world or something and decided they wanted it. So while they sent the heavy artillery over it was the job of myself and the many other conscripts to bolster the numbers of the actual military in order to hold out against the native population. Oddly enough, despite not having guns or planes or missiles they had been successful in holding back our forces. Something about hight tech shielding technology or something. Honestly I didn't even know what they looked like, let alone what they were using to end our lives. All I knew was there had been surprisingly few casualties on both sides apparently. So maybe I could get back to my old life rather than wind up dead. I still remember the day of my "recruitment." It was an average day for nineteen year old me. I was just getting ready for my job when I heard a knock at the door. I opened it to find a uniform wearing recruitment officer telling me my number had been drawn and then he had two goons frog march me into a van and drive towards the ship that would carry me to my doom. Now, it was only minutes away from reaching this new world and its "oh so important" resources.
The ramp lowered with a sci-fi-esc "whoosh." The massive line of conscripts started making our way towards the checkpoint where we would be given our uniform (to be worn over our regular clothes for ease of removal upon death.) our tent (also only temporarily ours.) and our weapons (they were pretty confident over half of us were going to die.) The line slowly sifted through the checkpoint until only I was left. I stepped inside just as the officer was preparing to leave. He looked at me and then at his assistant.
"Huh, guess they miscounted again. We don't have a uniform for him or a firearm."
Was this it! An answer to prayers! Would I be sent home without--
"Just make him a scout, we could use one of those."
I deflated, obviously I had gotten the short end of the stick. The assistant handed me an armband bearing the Union's insignia, a backpack with my tent, canteen, and other field gear, and finally a sidearm. He turned to adress me,
"As a scout you will be less encumbered than a regular soldier. Your mission is to find the enemy before we arrive at our destinations and run back in order to tell us."
So not only was I canon fodder, but I was also being sent out alone for no real reason. Nice. I gave a halfhearted salute before walking out the door of the tent and into the camp beyond. I reached my plot of land and began setting up my tent, unsure how long I was actually going to be using it. Finally, as lights out was called I thought of my parents, unsure how they were dealing with my sudden disappearance.
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I blearily marched along with the rest of my unit as we went out on our first patrol ever. Nobody really knew what to do apart from the officers who were berating us at every opportunity. After a few minutes a halt was called and one of the officers stomped over to me.
"Scout 001 begin your recon!"
I saluted before jogging off diagonally away from the company. Honestly, if I was careful this might be a blessing in disguise. They weren't expecting me to do any actual fighting and I was a really good runner, my more slender form bearing witness to that. I might have sucked at anything involving brute strength but running, parkour, you name it, I was pretty dang good. I continued jogging for quite some time until I eventually stopped, not even breathing hard. I had had to skirt around some trees and rocky outcroppings but I was still making good time. I started drinking a bit of my water as I walked ahead, taking in the scenery.
Honestly, this place was beautiful compared to the concrete jungle that was Earth. But everything seemed... cartoony. The colors were too bright and everything had a surreal feel to it. I put away my canteen and decided to check the map they said was in my pack showing me what direction the camp lay and where the patrols were heading. I dug around and gradually grew frantic. Suddenly, realization dawned on me. I had no map. They must have forgotten it or something and now I had no idea where to go. I started panicking.
"Oh crap, this is bad this is bad this is BAD!"
I started looking around, trying to find some sort of landmark to find my way back with, but to no avail. I was stuck in the middle of hostile territory with only a canteen, a small lunch, a sidearm, and my headphones with music player. To put it lightly, I was screwed. I started jogging in a direction I thought might be the right one until I heard a rustle in the bushes to my left. I froze and slowly turned to face the menacing shrubbery. My hand went to the pistol at my side and I shakily began drawing it, uncertain how effective I was going to be given I had never shot a gun (kinda hard to when they're illegal to own for civilians.) I slowly started shuffling backwards when suddenly out of the bushes strode... a pony.
It wasn't just a pony, it was a unicorn given the little horn on its head. It was wearing gold armor and was actually kinda cute. It had big, bright eyes; a square-ish muzzle, and a blindingly white coat. I started lowering my weapon, relieved it wasn't anything dangerous. But, I was looking at a freaking UNICORN! I mean, WHAT! THEY WERE REAL! Would it grant my wishes if I asked or did I have to touch its horn. As I was looking it over, its horn flared with light that soon gathered into a ball at the tip. I blinked a few times, unsure of what I was seeing until the sphere of light shot towards me and the world went dark.
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I slowly regained awareness, unsure where I was. It felt like I was lying face down on a medical examination bed, shirtless. My head was proped up with some sort of cushioned ring that rested against my forehead and cheeks, kinda like a massage chair. I kept still, unsure of what happened. Suddenly, a door opened and I heard quick footsteps approach me.
"Alright doctor, here it is."
"Fascinating, I am quite curious about their anatomy and physiology seeing as how we've yet to capture a live one, until now."
They must have been referring to the unicorn. It was probably nearby.
"Alrighty then, now to get this over with."
Suddenly, something soft started carefully poking my back. It eventually began tracing my muscles with light, carefull strokes that were actually kind of relaxing, like a back message.
"You sure you shouldn't be wearing protective gear?"
"Nonsense, I'm perfectly fine."
The other dude must have been a germaphobe or something. I relaxed as this "doctor" lady started carefully rubbing one of my more sore muscles. Maybe I had had a seizure or something and now they were trying to make sure my muscles were okay.
"It has impressive musculature and an interesting skeletal structure. Although its muscles are surprisingly bunched up, I can't have conclusive results until I am certain."
Suddenly something warm settled onto my lower back as "doctor" began kneading my stiff muscles, obviously attempting to relax them. I managed to hold in a sigh of pleasure, my back had been killing me for ages. The other most likely doctor snorted a rather odd snort.
"I thought you were here to study the specimen, not message it."
Wait, was he talking about me? I thought the specimen was what they talking about, the weird unicorn thing. Unless, these doctors weren't humans. The pressure on my back lifted as something walked around me.
"Fine, fine. When is Princess Celestia going to be arriving to question it?"
Okay, definitely not who I thought these people were. They must be the natives. Suddenly, something poked me prompting me to roll off the table with a yelp. I came up in a crouch and saw... more ponies. Two of them to be precise. One was cream colored with a golden yellow mane, and the other was a white unicorn wearing purple and gold armor. Just then the door opened and inside strode a massive white winged unicorn with a rainbow mane that was flowing around like there was a wind I couldn't feel. This one was wearing a golden crown and some sort of chest plate.
"Hello Doctor... well then, it seems the prisoner is awake."
I froze. I was captured, by ponies. I was captured by a unicorn, who brought me to some pony doctor and his unicorn friend and this big white unicorn with wings who had a crown. Did that mean mankind was waging war... on ponies, or unicorns, or whatever? I couldn't believe it. It all seemed so illogical! Nothing made sense! Where was I! WHAT WAS GOING ON.
I hadn't realized I had been hyperventilating until the floor rushed up to meet me, accompanied by the sound of rushing footsteps, or more accurately, hoofsteps.
I came to in some sort of cell. Judging by the lack of light coming in the small window, it was nighttime. I groggily sat up and started taking in my surroundings. I was sitting on a bed composed of a wooden board chained to the wall medieval style with a thin mattress on it, there was a sink with a small mirror, a toilet with a small privacy curtain (which was very good because I had been afraid I would have to crap in the open.) and the small, bared window. The door was one of those old-timey iron bars with a door built in things, once again like some sort of medieval dungeon. My observations were stopped when I noticed my guard.
The other ponies I had seen were unusual, being cartoony or unicorns or whatever, but this one was different. It had charcoal grey fur under its purple armor, and a dark violet mane and tale of about medium length. What really was different were its eyes, which were large, golden cat eyes, and the fact it had batwings. To complete the image were two small fangs protruding slightly from its mouth, and little tufts on the tips of its ears. There was only one way to describe it, adorable. The other ponies I had seen (which was only, like, four.) had been kinda cute with the big eyes and fluffy coats and stuff, but this one was downright adorable. It must have noticed me looking at it because it scowled and said,
"What are you looking at?"
Its voice sounded female, like the doctor, and she was very obviously trying to sound tough. I managed to hold in a "daw" and replied,
"Just taking in my surroundings. My name's Jack, what's yours... by the way, can I have my shirt back?"
I might be their prisoner, but I could still be nice. Also these ponies were too cute to hate. And as for the shirt, it was a little chilly in the cell and I still was only in my trousers, shirtless. She narrowed her eyes slightly and tilted her head to the side. I think my heart stopped for a few seconds at how cute it was.
"Shirt? Whatever. Just sit down and shut it. I don't feel like dealing with... whatever in Tartarus you are."
Ouch, that was cold. I mean, sure I'm not Mr. Charisma but at least being polite would have been nice. It's always the cute ones that hurt you the most. I grunted before getting off the rather uncomfortable bed and stretching. I decided to sit on the floor rather than the bed because, just like everything else in this cell, it was pony sized. The bed was at about half-thigh hight and when I sat on it my knees were level with my chest. Needless to say the floor was better. As I got as comfortable I could on cold stone I let my mind wander. I often enjoyed just zoning out and thinking about random bits of this and that, but as I was thinking, it all sunk in. No matter what I did, I was dead.
If the ponies realized I didn't have anything important to tell them, they'd dispose of me. If they traded me to the Union, they'd kill me as an example. If I held out until the Union leveled the city, I would die. Death was inevitable, I was up a creek without a paddle. Except the creek is actually lava and I'm bodyboarding in it. I slumped over and proceeded to have a mental breakdown. I was dead, I literally was just living on borrowed time. I didn't want any of this. I just wanted to be a normal guy with a normal life who did normal boring stuff. Not go to some weird world of talking unicorns and cute bat pony hybrids. Who even cared! I didn't! I might as well just spiral into crippling depression now rather than wait until I'm being executed by technicolored dream horses.
"Uh, are you like, having a seizure or something?"
I didn't even look up. I really didn't feel like being nagged by a bat horse.
"Oh Celestia, now I feel bad. Um... want to... talk... about it?"
I laughed that sort of laugh that tells you "that person has more than a couple screws loose." I might as well tell her, I'm gonna die anyway.
"Of course I'm alright! I'm just going to die. No problem! I've always wanted to die at the ha-- I mean hooves of a bunch of talking, pastel colored, ponies! Why wouldn't I be ECSTATIC!"
The bat pony walked a bit closer before saying,
"D-die!? Are you sick? Do I need to get a doctor!"
Aw, now she liked me. It only took a mental breakdown.... Sheesh, struggling to accept my inevitable death makes me huge jerk.
"Nope! I'm fit as a fiddle! Until you ponies knock me off that is."
Her jaw dropped... no, like literally. Her jaw... hit the floor... I obviously am in hell.
"Wh-why would we kill you? That's horrible!"
"What else would you do with me when you're done?"
"Let you go? Give you back? Something!"
"And then THEY'D kill me. I loose either way!"
I just sat there, trying to keep it together. My life might be falling apart but I could still face my end with dignity. Something soft touched my hand, and I looked over to see the adorable bat pony resting her hoof on top of my hand. She had removed her hoof... boots? Or hoof guards? Whatever. What really surprised me was that her hoof was soft, like a marshmallow. I mean, I could feel rigid bone and stuff in it, bit it had a soft bottom or something. She patted my hand gently and gave me a weak smile.
"Don't worry, Princess Celestia is a really good and kind ruler. She wouldn't hurt you unless she absolutely had to. How about this, let's start over. My name is Orchid, it's nice to meet you Jack."
She smiled before getting back to her post. I was glad that she would at least talk to me now. Being locked in my cell with nothing to do would be super boring. Now I could talk to my new bat pony frien-emy.
We talked about this and that, ranging from what we liked doing to random things about eachother. I explained what a shirt was, and then I learned that she was literally called a batpony. Also they are not vampires but many ponies still believe they are. All in all, I was kinda sad when she got replaced by, get this, a pegasus. He was a guy, didn't talk much, and wasn't nearly as cute as Orchid. After a while I was lead to a small room.
I was seated in a too short chair at a short table. I would have tried to run, but I really didn't feel like having my ankles broken. I sat patiently for a while, but eventually I got bored. I was halfway through a cover of "This Is Gospel" when the door opened. Unfortunately, I didn't notice the massive white alicorn (Orchid taught me that. See, I know stuff.) So as she sat down I had just turned, eyes closed and sang,
"If you love me let me GOOOOOOOOOO."
My eyes snapped open when I heard quiet laughter.
"A most interesting proposition, but unfortunately I can't let you go just yet."
I froze. I never sing in front of people. And now I had just sang rather badly in front of the princess of the nation I was a captive of. With a heavy blush I sat back down.
I was very surprised at how... pleasant the beginning of the interrogation had been so far. This "Princess Celestia" asked me my name, asked if I was feeling alright (I replied that I was actually a little chilly without my shirt. Also, I didn't tell her this, but meeting the ruler of an alien planet half-naked is kind of embarrassing.) and she even gave me my shirt back, and my soap (Union issued pine fresh #21, so your guns are the only thing killing people, not your smell.) After she somehow made them appear from light out of her horn (seriously, what the actual heck.) the door opened and three ponies walked inside. First was the pony doctor from before, and behind her were two armor wearing unicorns. They took a seat and Princess Celestia rang a bell. Suddenly, a cart with five plates on it was pulled in. The princess smiled before saying,
"I figured we should start with breakfast given you haven't eaten yet."
Okay, what the heck. Where were the needles? The white-hot irons? The tongs? The rusty fishhook they would remove my gallbladder with? (Seriously, the Union's Inquisition Unit uses all of those, amd more.) I was suspicious to say the least, but also very hungry and in need of a shower. I decided I could satisfy at least one of those needs and accepted a plate with a quick nod. The only thing on it were some thin cut hash browns with a cup of orange juice. I scooped up some and took a bite and... they tasted like grass. I would know, I once ate some on the field trip to the City 12 Plantetorium (only place with plants in the entire city. Each city had one since plants were inefficient compared to carbon scrubbers.) I managed to hold my gag and slowly swallowed. I looked up at their expecting faces and faked a smile.
"It's good! It just... needs salt."
I grabbed the salt shaker and sprinkled some over the hash browns from hell. I slowly made my way through my plate as the ponies watched. The doctor from before (who had her mane in a bun and rectangular glasses on, pretty adorable.) paid extra special attention to my eating, eyes glued to my every move. When I was done, the plates were cleared away and the questions began.
"Now then, what are your government's goals? Why are you here?"
Honestly, I wasn't sure. They had said resources, but I wasn't entirely sure. I shrugged.
"Please understand, cooperation will get you farther than silence. I will ask you again, what are your goals?"
I shrugged again. I honestly didn't know, so saying something would probably get me in trouble. I winced as a sharp pain filled my stomach. Please, don't let me crap my pants. The princess sighed before motioning towards the door. The ponies all filled out, obviously determining how to torture me. A few minutes later the two guards returned without their helmets. What was their plan?
"Alright scum! Start talking!"
Wow, intimidation didn't work when you were so dang pet-able. Suddenly, the other guard was at my side.
"Oh, don't mind him, he's always been a little grumpy. Now then, why don't you just tell us what we need to know, and you can get out of this room."
Oh... this one was so nice. I really wish I had something I could tell them, but the only thing I know is that you don't put metal in a microwave. I winced a little as my stomach spasmed. The devil's handmade hash was fighting back.
"Hey! You better start talking before I have to get serious!"
Seriously! I was just a conscript! I didn't know anything! Couldn't they understand that? The ponies sighed before walking out. Well then, that was fast. After a few moments the doctor came in with them.
"Well then, since you've decided to be difficult, I'll be conducting some tests."
Oh, I'd heard of this one! The doctor comes in and then pumps you full of chemicals until you melt. I didn't flinch as she approached, until my stomach exploded in pain. I gasped and fell to the floor. It felt like my insides were being stabbed with thousands of white hot pins. I heard hoofsteps running towards me and suddenly I was being rolled onto my back.
"What happened? Are you okay?"
Like you didn't know, you obviously poisoned me.
"He must not be able to digest hay! Quick, we need to pump his stomach!"
Oh, must have been a truth serum gone wrong. I've heard of that, they never did manage to get them to not make your eyes shrivel up. Suddenly, I was being rushed through hallways and... I'd prefer not to go into detail about the process of having the contents of your stomach removed.
After that incident, I was allowed to shower and went to sleep as soon as I was brought back to my cell. I woke up in the middle of the night, just as I had hoped. Standing across the hall was my favorite pony, Orchid.
"Hey Orchid, how's it going?"
She started and soon was at the cell door.
"Are you alright? I heard something happened today about you and hay and whatever. What happened?"
I shrugged.
"Must not be able to eat hay. Who knew?"
Her concerned expression was soon replaced by a stern one.
"I also heard you refused to talk. What's with you! You don't seem too bad, but your trying to help kill innocent ponies! Princess Celestia wants to end the fighting."
"Try 'Didn't know the answers to any of the questions.' I'm just a conscript, not an actual soldier."
She looked at me in confusion.
"Conscript? You mean you're being forced to fight?"
"Well duh, barely anyone wants to be in the military. We're just cannon fodder. We don't even know why we're fighting!"
She gaped before shaking her head.
"That's sad. But anyway, you'll be telling Doctor Carefull Observer tomorrow when she examines you. She thinks you guys are really neat."
Oh great, I get to be a lab rat. What fun.
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I sat waiting on an examination table. I had been made to remove my shirt and had just barely been able to keep my trousers. The door opened and the white doctor with the bun and glasses walked in. I should have known. She looked at me and started shaking like a kid in a candy store before saying,
"I just can't wait to learn all about you! I mean, think about it. I'll be the first pony to study an alien species!"
I was just thrilled to be studied. At least she was cute with her little glasses and tattoo of a magnifying glass on her butt. Wait...
"Now then, any questions before we start?"
"Yeah, what's with the tattoos? Your's isn't the first one I've seen. Is it just tradition to get a butt tattoo around here?"
She blinked before looking from her rump to me before a look of dawning comprehension grew on her face.
"Ah! You mean my cutie mark! It's a magical mark that appears on the flank of a pony when they discover their special talent! Don't you have something like that?"
I shook my head. Earlier I probably would have laughed at the magic part, but given the circumstances I was more inclined to believe it.
"Good! Now then, let's get back to observing your rather impressive, musculature."
She ran a hoof over my arm as she said "musculature." Honestly, I wasn't exactly sure what she was talking about given I was in only decently good shape. Definitely not bodybuilder style muscles or anything. She started circling me, tracing my back with a hoof before stopping in front of me.
"Now then, I want to know all about the scientific impossibilities possible only to your species-or in my bed, standing offer.- and use that knowledge to further ponykind as a general. Also, I want to study every part of your anatomy and physiology in great detail. Ready to start?"
The examination was... odd. This "Carefull Observer" just looked at me for a bit before she began asking me a bunch of questions.
"So what do you do for a living?"
"I worked in a glass factory."
"Oh? Did you study that in school or--"
"I was assigned there."
That gave her pause for a minute. I could almost see the gears turning in her little pony head as she tried to discern what "assigned" meant in that context.
"Wait, the government just told you to work there so you did?"
"Yup."
"Did you want to work there at least?"
"Does it matter? Did you want to be a scientist before you got assigned?"
"I wasn't assigned, I went to school, studied for years, and then joined a firm."
"Wait, you chose to be a scientist? They let you do that here!?!"
"Well of course! Why didn't you just tell them you didn't want to work there!"
"I didn't want to die."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I wasn't about to dissent, I'm not stupid."
"Dissent?! Why would you think that! That's the most idiotic--"
"YOU WOULDN'T SAY THAT IF YOU HAD SEEN YOU BEST FRIEND GET A BULLET THROUGH HIS HEAD BECAUSE HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANT TO WORK THERE!!"
She sat in stunned silence for a few moments before gulping and whispering,
"T-they k-killed him?"
"Yeah, he knew it would probably happen, but he still did it. It happens all the time; steal something, dead. Contraband, dead. Obstructing an official, dead. Overcrowding, they give you a meal of your choosing and then kill you. With billions of us living under their rule, the Union just gets rid of nonessential people."
By now Carefull Observer was crying with her hooves over her mouth. It was almost like she hadn't heard of something like this before. I mean, seriously, the government kills whoever it decides, end of story. The same obviously was true here. I mean, what other system could there be. She sniffled before whimpering,
"I-I-I'm so sorry! Th-that's so horrible."
Before I could object she had walked out crying. What did I say? How could that upset her so much? It was a fact of life, you get over people disappearing from your class about third grade. A few minutes later and I was lead back to the interrogation room. As I sat down in the same small chair, the door opened and Princess Celestia walked in accompanied by two guards.
"I have heard a very disturbing report from Carefull Observer. Apparently things work differently where you come from. But, anyway, what can we do to convince you to cooperate? How about we return you to your government?"
"Pass, I'd rather not die."
"Um... you could stay here as a guest?"
"How long until you kill me?"
"I would never! Why would you think that?"
"You rule this country, right?"
"Well of course."
"So if one of your subjects were to complain about their job, what would you do?"
"Well, I would tell them to try for a job they want. You should always try to work in a place that you'll enjoy working in."
"Exact-- wait what?"
"Is that so surprising?"
"What do you mean? It's almost like you're saying your citizens can choose what they want to do. Next thing you'll be telling me they can choose their own food and live where wherever they want to, not where you tell them."
The princess looked genuinely surprised and sat back in her seat, deep in thought.
"That... sheds some light on the situation. I... apologize, but I need some time to mull this over."
And just like that, I was back in my cell. But, I was informed that in thirty minutes I would be allowed out into the yard for some exercise. Finally! I'd been dying to run for a while now, and my current guard was no fun. I mean, he seriously wouldn't talk at all, how fitting the day guard is a jerk and the night one, the one for who's shift I would normally be asleep during, is the fun one.
As I stepped out into the sunlight, the colors and smells hit me like a brick wall. I just stood there taking it in for a few seconds before walking over to a large tree, my guard at my heels. A few other guards were doing an obstacle course, but fortunately the track was free. I stretched before removing my shirt, not wanting to get it sweaty and gross. I started with a light job to get warmed up before I spotted a familiar bat pony standing beside my daytime guard. I waved and Orchid waved back before I started actually running.
I was halfway through my fourth lap and was nearing my two observers when I noticed something in the sky. It was some sort of chariot pulled by a pegasus. As it passed over them, I heard a shout and saw something fall off the chariot. A box was headed straight for them, and it would hit them directly on the head. Before I could even second guess myself, I was sprinting towards them. I guess it was like when something you care about is about to fall off a table and you instinctively reach for it, or something, because now I was diving towards them. They flinched back in surprise before I shoved them out of the way of the falling box. Unlike them, I had enough motion already that the box would--
*CRASH* *CRACK*
"GAAAAAAAAHHH!"
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Apparently, I was "lucky." Yeah, getting your butt and legs crushed by a giant box full of bananas (I mean seriously, how many do you need.) sounds like something that would happen to a lucky person. What they probably meant was the fact that somehow no bones broke, but honestly, I would have preferred it to what did happen. Not only was I all bruised up and very sore, I had had to have a bazillion wood slivers removed from my already hurting and sore legs. So, when everything was said and done, my lower half (not the front thank the Lord) felt like a squad of combat boot wearing soldiers used me like a doormat, and then after giving me millions of paper cuts, decided to use my back to do shots, and spilled every single one. I just had to wait for the painkillers to kick in. I was sitting in a hospital bed much more comfortable then my cells bed, when Princess Celestia, Orchid, Quiet Guard McJerkface, and... Celestia's evil clone walked in.
"Ah! I see you are awake. However, I doubt you feel like talking so I will keep this brief. I would like to thank you. I shudder to think what might have happened if that crate would have fallen on my two guardsponies here. Although, I'm curious, why put your wellbeing below that of your enemies?"
I shrugged before saying,
"Well, like you said, who knows what could have happened. I just reacted. Also, I couldn't let my favorite pony die."
I winked at Orchid causing her to smile and Princess Celestia to laugh.
"Well, whatever is the case, you have both mine, and my sister's thanks."
The Celestia lookalike nodded before she and her white furred sister walked away. Pegasus guard stepped forward and said, in a surprisingly soft voice,
"I wanna say thanks. I know I haven't been very talkative or, well, polite, but I hope we can, you know, maybe be civil with eachother?"
I gave him a small smile and nodded. Time to face the facts, I just couldn't stay upset at these ponies, they were too cute (mainly Orchid and Doc Observer, but he was petty huggable too.) He smiled back before walking out the door, leaving me and the winner of the cutest pony award. (is that a thing?)
"Well, I guess you already know what I'm going to say, but..."
She paused before looking around, and then planting a kiss on my cheek. Daaaaaw, that made everything better... or the painkillers did, hard to tell. She smiled at me before saying with conspiratorial wink,
"Thanks. Also, nice to know I'm your favorite pony!"
She gave me a grin that showcased her cute little fangs and DAAAAAANG were her teeth white. Like, holy crap! Do you paint them that color! I stopped looking at her teeth when she seemed to realize what she was doing and blushed, rubbing a hoof into the ground. Heart... melting!
"Hehe, sorry, guess I got carried away. I'm so used to ponies being jumpy around me because I'm a bat pony. It's just... it isn't often somepony tells a bat pony they're their favorite."
"How come!? You're the most adorable pony I've seem here! Heck, your the cutest thing I've seen in my life!"
"Y-you think I'm cute?"
I nodded while holding in a squeal at her diabetes inducing face. I wonder if these levels of cute are healthy? She gave me a warm smile before saying in a very genuine voice,
"Thank you. You know, you're really sweet for an alien invader."
"And you're pretty friendly for a well-trained guard."
She snorted before giggling a little. She looked around the room before sighing.
"So... since I'm on duty now, despite the lack of armor, is there anything I can do to help?"
Boom, jackpot. Finally, after all this time my patience would be rewarded. I could finally achieve my goal. Victory was within my grasp and it looked adorable. I held out my arms and scooted over a bit to make some room.
"Hug?"
She sighed and said with a smile.
"Should have seem that coming."
She walked over to me and wrapped me in a hug and OH... MY... GREAT... GOOGLY... MOOGLY she was so soft! It was like, like... think of the softest and fluffiest thing you've ever felt, then multiply it by a gazillion. I pressed my face against her fluffy neck and, to my pleasant surprise, she smelled like mangos. She laughed again (apparently it tickled?) and part of her purple mane draped over my face. I thought her fur was soft and cuddly, her mane was like... something super duper soft. Is there like, some magic that makes ponies super cuddly here, because that was the only thing that made sense. As she sat down on the bed pony style (which is lying on your stomach, legs tucked up against you for all you uneducated people) I realized that when she was lying beside me, if her hind legs were stretched out, she would only be a few inches shorter than me. It just struck me as funny that without my bipedal posture we were almost the same hight rather than her head only coming up to my chest.
Instinct or something took over because I started petting her fluffy back, causing her to make a cute little "Eeeeeeeeee" sound. I laughed because it was pretty adorable prompting her to nuzzle my hand and say,
"Hey! Don't stop, it's like a back massage except better! I'll let you cuddle me IF you keep doing that."
I sat in a comfortable yet still small couch in some office or something as I waited. I was back with the good ol' doc for a bit before I was going to be questioned again. Like that would do anything, if I admit that I don't know squat I'm done for. She might be nice to her ponies, but there was no way Princess Celestia would keep me around after learning that. My reverie was broken by the door opening and the cutest doctor I know came trotting in. She gave me a smile and sat down in the chair that faced my couch. She adjusted her seat and held a clipboard out to the side as she read it. I noticed she didn't have her hair-I mean, mane, up today. Honestly, the bun made her more adorable than just normal mane, but I wasn't just going to randomly say that.
"Are you ready Jack? Today I will be observing you as an organism rather than ask about you personally."
I nodded.
"Now before we begin, one question. Do you like my mane like this?"
I paused as I thought about it. This could be a trap, or she could be curious. Or... it could be some sick, twisted psyche test or something. Well... honesty is the best policy so....
"I prefer it when you have it in a bun. It makes you look cute."
She blushed before picking a bobby pin up in her mouth and walking over to me. She moved the pin to her hoof (wait... how do they hold stuff in their hooves like that?) before saying.
"Well, then can you hold it for me while I put it up?"
"Sure, just tell me what to do."
It started with her on the floor, but apparently something kept going wrong until she was sitting in my lap with her chin on my shoulder.
"Now just hold it there, aaaaaand... no, it's not right. How about you...."
She paused before grabbing my arms and wrapping them around her torso and under her forelegs so that my hands were resting on her back.
"There, that works better, don't you think?"
"Uh... yes?"
She wiggled around a bit until her muzzle was pressed up against my nose. Now, I might not be the smartest bulb in the knife drawer, but even I knew something was up.
"Should we start the examination now? I think they also wanted to question me today."
She sighed before mumbling "spoil-sport" and sitting down. She deftly put her mane up and placed the bobby pin in before pulling back out her checklist. She read it over before smiling at me again.
"So first up I need some blood to study, then some hair, a skin sample, and then I need to look into your nutritional needs in order to avoid malnutrition. Ready?"
I sat there trying to process it all given how fast she spoke before shrugging.
"Sure."
She walked over to a small drawer and pulled out... I inhaled and went stiff as a board. In her mouth was a massive syringe. I started panicking, not the run around screaming panicking, but the "I can't move because I'm so scared please help." She must have noticed the look of abject terror on my face because she stopped and said in concerned yet muffled voice,
"Whafs wong?"
I didn't answer, my eyes were wide open and locked on the syringe. She looked from my eyes and then to the syringe a few times before setting it on the desk beside the couch. She couldn't fool me, nothing good ever came out of one of those things.
"Are you scared of the needle?"
Scared did not cover it. I had had those things stuck into me before and it was not fun.
"I'll take that as a yes."
She held a hoof to her chin in thought before sitting on the couch next to me.
"I had psychology classes in high school. If you've had a scary experience with needles you should tell me. If you keep it all bottled up you get like a brain disorder or something."
"I'm not sure this is something you want to hear."
She scooted over and leaned her head onto my shoulder.
"C'mon, just tell me. You can hug me if you get too emotional. I'm a good snuggler."
"Alright... well, you already know that I was forced into the army, well that's not the only thing they could do. Sometimes they used random people as test subjects for chemicals and stuff like that. Well, one time--
--------------------
I staggered as I was shoved into the steril, white room. I was immediately shoved into a chair and had restraints locked into place around my wrists and ankles. A bored looking scientist approached and said,
"Please remain calm while I begin the test. At the end, tell us how you feel.
"O-okay."
"Be quiet! Now, administer compound 321-E."
I squirmed as a needle was jabbed into my arm. At first I didn't feel anything but soon a burning sensation filled my veins like hot lead. I screamed,
"GYAAAAAAAAH! PLEASE! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOOOOOOP!"
"Subject appears to be in pain. Compound working perfectly so far. Now to measure the aftereffects in order to determine its effectiveness as a torture implement."
I lasted about three minutes of unimaginable agony before blacking out, blood pouring out of my mangled mouth and throat from screaming.
-----------------------
I sat there shaking from the force of the memories dredged up by my little "therapy session." Carefull Observer had moved until my head was resting on her soft chest as she ran a hoof through my hair and made quiet shushing noises. She was teary-eyed as she tried to comfort me.
"How, how did you manage to deal with that?! If, if I went through that I would be so angry and miserable, but you're so nice and sweet. How do you do it?"
"Nothing I do matters. I can either dwell on it and be miserable, or I can try to be happy."
She nodded before saying,
"Well then, if you want we can skip the blood test and--"
"No. I need to get over this. Although afterwards, you owe me some snuggles. I'm going to hug the heck out of your soft, fluffy face if you want my blood."
She blushed before picking the syringe back up. She gently took my arm and held it while she carefully slid the needle in. I closed my eyes and focused on how cuddly she was. Don't think about the tube of metal now stuck into you, just ponies, only think about ponies. Soft, cute ponies and hugging ponies and--
"And done. See, I told you talking about it would help! Now then, I owe you some snuggles!"
She pounced on me before worming her way under my shirt until her muzzle was lying on my neck and she had basically wrapped herself around me.
"You were a bit too eager for this."
"Well, I have to study you, I figure this is as good a way as any!"
"You're not fooling anyone."
-------------------------
I was back in my interrogation room, my home away from home. Princess Celestia was sitting across from me with her sister in the corner.
"Now then, just make this simple and tell me where the army is."
"No."
"I'd rather not use drastic measures. Just start talking."
"No."
"One last chance."
"No."
She sighed before nodding to her sister old moon butt herself (what, she hadn't introduced herself and she had a moon tat on her bahookie. She was just waiting for it.) she came back in with... Orchid? Oh no, they were going to torture her to get back at me!
"Wait! Don't do this!"
"I'm sorry Jack, but you've forced my hoof."
Orchid walked up to me and said,
"Where are they?"
"What?"
"Where are the humans, tell me."
"No! You know I can't Orchid!"
"Jack, I don't want to have to do this."
"I'm confused, I thought they were going to torture you to make me talk?"
Princess Celestia shot me an exasperated look,
"Why do you always assume I'm going to torture you or harm you in some way?"
"Uh... personal experience?"
Orchid grabbed my face and turned it towards me. She stared me straight in the eye before tilting her head and pouting.
"Pweees Jack, pweeees tell me whewre they awre."
Heart stop, check. Resolve melt, check. Desire to cuddle, check. Princess Celestia smiled before saying,
"Check mate Jack. Now where are they, I promise no harm shall befall you or any of your kind if possible."
"I don't know."
"Wait, what?"
"I haven't known anything the entire time, I just haven't wanted to say it."
The princess sighed before shaking her head.
"We're done here. See you tomorrow Jack."
She and her sister left with Orchid in tow. I was escorted to my cell and them later outside for my usual exercise time. I did a workout before I started running. As I rounded a corner that was more secluded than any other three ponies surrounded me.
"Uh... hi?"
One of them, an earth pony, cracked his neck.
"I'm about to do something that should have been done a while ago, freak! This is for all the good ponies that you monsters have killed!"
"Jack, I have to say I'm disappointed. We give you an ounce of freedom and you use it to assault three innocent ponies. I had hoped you weren't as barbaric as the rest of your kind, but you proved me wrong."
I would have replied, but I was gagged and tied to a chair, surrounded by officers and soldiers. At least Doc and Orchid were here! Except Orchid was ticked at me, and Doc appeared to not know what to think. The Princess (Sunny Cheeks, not Moon Booty) stood behind a large wooden podium while the others were seated around my chair. The three half-baked, no-good, worthless excuses for ponies that had assaulted me were sitting in wheelchairs with casts on. I hadn't meant to break them, it had just happened!
Good old Moony Mc-IHateYourGuts stepped forward.
"I believe some clarification shall help any who would think otherwise. Fortunately, I had the foresight to plant scrying orbs around the field you were in so we can all see the evil you have wrought. These three brave guards testimonies are more than sufficient, but...."
She leaned in close and spar rather venomously,
"I... will... bury... you."
Ooooooookay... that was actually pretty intimidating. But, now those worthless lying pieces of crap would be found out. Thank you Moony! The three exchanged nervous glances before the earth pony spoke up.
"Are you sure that's necessary, I mean, it wasn't pretty, so...."
Princess Cheese flank smiled sympathetically at them. Fakers.
"Do not fear my little ponies, your heroism will be proven and this fiend will be punished."
Before they could object, Celestia's evil twin lit up her horn, and it was movie time.
--------------------------
"C'mon guys, you don't want to do this."
"Oh, I think I do. All those ponies that you monsters have killed, it's payback time."
He charged me while his two buddies laughed. He made a rage-fueled tackle that I deftly sidestepped. He jumped, attempting to kick me in the chest. I dropped into a roll and came up behind him as he landed, obviously surprised that I had dodged it. Holy crap, I was a badass! Before he could react I grabbed his neck and threw him headfirst into the brick wall before shoulder charging him again, further stunning him. He slid down with a groan.
"Take this, freak!"
I dove forward just as a bolt of magic ripped through where I was before. I spun around and threw an open-palm strike where it came from. It connected with a crack as the unicorn's nose broke. He screamed and I whirled, kicking him in the shoulder which gave a loud pop. The third on, a pegasus, dive bombed me, grazing my shoulder with a hoof. I took a deep breath as I focus on the flying pony. I remembered something like this from an action movie. He sped towards me at waist hight, obviously intent on bowling me over to give his buddies a chance to get back in the fight. I crouched and grabbed his face, before ramming his face into my knee. I grabbed him and spun him around before launching him into his friends and the wall behind them.
"Boom! That just happened! Take that ya dirty horses!"
Suddenly I was surrounded by guards. I lifted my hands up.
"It's not what it looks like."
----------------------
I smirked as all eyes turned to the three lying ponies. Doc muffled a squeal with a hoof before whispering,
"I knew you were innocent!"
Celestia's horn lit up as she released me from my bindings and turned to the tree guilty guards.
"Well, I can't express how disappointed I am that my own guards would perform such a heinous act. I believe that punishment is in order. Jack, you are free to go. I think Doctor Carefull Observer wished to study you some more."
Doc squealed before jumping into my arms. I rolled my eyes as I casually walked out of the room.
"Onward human! To the science!"
"Cool your jets doc, there are ponies staring."
She laughed as I turned the corner, ignoring the stares I received. Luna turned to the three guards, death in her eyes.
"YOU HAVE BESMIRCHED THE NAME OF THY PRINCESSES AND THE TITLE OF GUARD! THERE WILL BE TARTAUS TO PAY!"
The assembled ponies rapidly dispersed, eager to avoid being caught in the crossfire. Orchid turned amd galloped after the human.
"I better go chaperone those two. It's not Jack I'm worried about, that doctor is weird!"
"Wow, it's a lot thicker than I thought it would be!"
"Yup, pretty thick."
"The shape of the tip is so odd. Why does it look like that?"
"It just does. It works fine either way."
"Mind if I... you know... touch it?"
"Knock yourself--"
Orchid slammed the door open.
"WHAT IN TARTARUS ARE YOU DOING!?!"
Me and Doc looked up at her. Doc looked back at the x-ray sitting on the viewing light that showed my hand as she gently started prodding my fingers.
"I was observing the bone structure in his, as he calls them, hands. You would think they would have some sort of protective shell or something to keep the bone safe, but the tissue around it is surprisingly thin."
Orchid blushed and made a small "oh."
"What did you think we were doing Orchid?"
I had to admit, I was pretty confused as to why she just barged in here. Before she could reply, guard came barreling through the door.
"Quick, all guards are needed in the dungeon immediately!"
Orchid whirled around to face him.
"What's going on, are we under attack?"
"There was a misfire in the Experimental Spells Department and all the mannequins used to hold armor have come to life and barricaded themselves in the dungeon."
He looked at me before saying,
"Prisoner, until the dungeon is reclaimed you will be staying with Dr. Carefull Observer. If you cause trouble, you will regret it."
I waved him off.
"Yeah yeah, I know the drill. Don't worry, I'll be a good little human."
He nodded before he and Orchid galloped off. I shook my head and said to Doc,
"Well Doc, looks like it's just you and me."
I felt a slight tug on the back of my shirt. Speaking of shirt, I really needed to ask if they could wash it. It wasn't too bad now, but in a few days it would be rank.
"Why do you insist on wearing this and those leg covering? Aren't they uncomfortable?"
I shrugged,
"I don't have fur, so not having a shirt on makes me feel awkward. Same with pants, if I don't wear them, everything's just out in the open."
She started scribbling in her notebook before gently pulling my head down towards her.
"So you only have a mane, no fur coat or tail"
"Yup."
"How do you keep warm in winter?"
"Thicker clothes."
"Fascinating."
A knock sounded at the door, and before either of us could answer it, Princess Celestia stepped into the room.
"I'm sorry about all the fuss earlier and the entire situation with the dungeon. I hope Dr. Carefull Observer has been hospitable and polite."
"Yeah, she's been acting fine."
"Glad to hear it. Now then, I have a few questions for you. Please, take a seat."
We sat down, and she immediately asked,
"Where is the army located."
"..."
"Where are they!"
"..."
"What are they waiting for? A few days ago they stopped attacking and have been hiding, what is your plan."
That genuinely surprised me. I'd never heard of an invasion halting for anything, especially when it was going well, I think. I frowned, trying to puzzle my puzzling puzzler into a puzzled puzzle rather than a puzzling puzzle for me to puzzle. Okay, I need to stop now. I regained focus as she asked again, trying to squeeze nonexistent information out of me. She obviously thought I was lying the other day. This was going to be a long session.
(Four hours later.)
I was ready to start spewing random bull just to make her stop. She kept asking, and asking, and asking! Did she ever get tired? Need food or water? What was she?!? She finally looked at the clock and then gave me that usuall smile.
"I'm afraid I have duties to attend to, we'll pick this up tomorrow."
And with that, she was gone. I flopped onto my back and let out a groan. Doc trotted over and gave me a confused look.
"I still don't understand why you just won't tell her. This war is so horrible that I thought you'd want to stop it?"
"It's not that simple. I don't know what she keeps asking, but she doesn't believe me. It's a lose-lose situation."
"Well, it's late, shall we turn in for the night?"
"Yeah, why not."
I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and removed my shirt before climbing into the bed she had pointed me towards. It was much more comfortable than my usual dungeon bed, and was much bigger. I looked around the inside of the room. The clinic part was attached to some sort of spacious office that Doc used for work. There were notes everywhere, as well as some experimental pills Doc was developing for my dietary needs. Doc must have gone to her personal bedroom and left me in the office.
I got comfortable before I heard hoofsteps approaching the bed, and then suddenly, Doc herself was lying beside me.
"Uh, Doc?"
"Yes Jack?"
"Aren't you going to sleep in your bedroom?"
"Where do you think we are?"
That made me pause. I shrugged, realizing it really didn't matter.
"Uh, Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"Can we do something I want to do?"
"Uhhhh, I guess? Depends on what it is."
She snuggled up against me and rested her head on my chest.
"I'd always heard sleeping next to somepony is more comfortable than sleeping alone, I guess they were right. This is very comfortable."
I nodded as I cuddled the bundle of fur and adorableness. While Orchid was lean and muscular, Doc was a bit more chubby, making her super soft and squeezable. She wasn't fat, just more... squooshy than Orchid. Honestly, it was kinda nice. Her chubby widdle cheeks were so pet-able that I found myself returning the nuzzles she gave me. I mean, come on, can you blame me? Hey, I don't judge you for what you do at night, you can just leave me alone.
Rather than sleep, we just lay there, cuddling. It was a nice change of pace after the hectic and exasperating afternoon I had. What better way to end your day than cuddles with a cute pone. I yawned before burying my face in her soft mane. Curiously, it smelled just like snickerdoodles. I hadn't had one of those since was I reassigned to a different city than my parents. I breathed in, savoring the nostalgic smell, and drifted off to sleep.
--------------------
I woke up to find the world had gone dark, and this darkness was very soft. I groaned before pushing myself up a bit. Somehow, during the middle of the night, Doc and I had shifted enough thar my head was resting on her fluffy belly, and she was cuddling my arm. Her face was pressed against my hand and as I watched, she started laughing in her sleep.
"Oh stop it, you know we can't, we... we... *yawn* can't get caught."
She paused for a while before she started gently kissing my hand. It was pretty adorable and tickled a bit, so I let it be. But, as time went on, her kisses got more... passionate. As did the noises she made. After a while, I was trying to pry apart her death grip while she licked my fingers, which is pretty hard to do simultaneously. Eventually, she woke up and realized what she was doing.
"Can we keep this a secret?"
"You took the words out of my mouth Doc, words out of my mouth."
Dawn shone through the blinds of the room me and Doc had slept in to reveal a, honestly, pretty pathetic sight. Doc apparently was trying to become a backpack, but had wrapped herself around my front rather than my back. I on the other hand, was basically spooning her with my face buried in her mane. I groggily opened my eyes and yawned widely, getting a mouthful of mane in the process. I spat out the offending fluff before attempting to stretch, and failing due to my fuzzy parasite. I groaned and started wiggling out of her grip, only for her to curl around my face. Great, now I have a fuzzy facehugger rather than a chest...hugger? I'll work on it.
"Dooooooc, ge offf mah fwafce."
Apparently her stomach was so good at muffling noises she didn't hear me. I managed to free my arms and started pulling her off. With an, I kid you not, audible "pop" she was off my face. She feebly flailed her hooves.
"Nooooooooo, I wanna sleep."
"You were sleeping on my face."
"Your face is comfy and warm and I wanna sleep."
"Doc, we got stuff to do today. I think."
"It's for science!"
"No it's not, I'm not even going to pretend I'm convinced."
She groaned before rolling off the bed with a flop and dragging herself to the coffee maker in the kitchenette. I got up and put my shirt back on, making a mental note to ask about getting it cleaned. A mug of coffee was pushed onto the table until it was on the side next to me. I grunted my thanks before drinking the dark, bitter elixir. It was black, just the way I like it.
"That's the good stuff. Thanks Doc."
She yawned in reply and started eating some cereal. I decided now was a perfect time to take a shower. I walked into the bathroom and, after closing the door, removed my clothes. I put my dirty underwear aside and pulled the clean pair out of my pocket. They both were discolored from the soap I had been forced to wash them with, which was why I hadn't washed my shirt with it. Given the shower was pony sized, I had to squat down in order to be under the shower head. After I was clean I got dressed and grabbed some breakfast.
I was just brushing my teeth when the knocking started. Doc opened the door and a panicked guard shouted,
"You two, come with me, now!"
Me and Doc exchanged looks before running after him. Doc turned to me,
"What do you think it is?"
"I don't know, it could be the Union attacking, or it could be a flood. Heck, it could be aliens invading for all I know!"
We kept running until we were out on a balcony with many other guards and the two pains in my badonkadonks themselves, the princesses. Celestia turned to me and gestured to the horizon.
"What in Equestria are they doing!?! Are they attacking us!"
I looked and saw the massive transport ship lifting into the sky from behind a mountain. Ooooooooh, so there's where they were. I looked back at Celestia as I noticed the position they were in.
"Um... judging by the trajectory, they're--"
*BOOOOOOOM*
With an explosive sound and a flash of light, the ship flew into the sky, leaving a white ring of dispersing moisture where they had been.
"Retreating!?"
She looked at me in confusion as her sister trotted over.
"W-what? Why would they? Is it a trap?"
"Nope, never heard of this happening before. I think they decided it wasn't worth the recourses they were spending. Classic profit and loss decision making."
"Then, then... THE WAR IS OVER!"
All the ponies cheered, which I then joined in on. Everyone was hugging and laughing before cheers rang out from the town. Celestia walked further out onto the balcony where a podium was located. She light up her horn and her voice could be heard loud and clear.
"PONIES OF EQUESTRIA! THE HUMANS ARE GONE! SPREAD THE WORD THAT THE WAR IS OVER!"
This prompted more cheers and hugs and more than a few kisses. I was just teaching the guards how to high-five when ole' Moon Moon said to her sister, who had by now returned to our little party,
"Sister, what shall we do with this one? Should I dispose of it?"
I came to a screeching halt and turned to look at the two sisters. Bluey was glaring at me, still obviously in hate with me. (Get it, instead of in love, I said in hate, it's a play on words! Clever right? Right!?) Celestia paused before growing thoughtful. Yup, Jack gonna die tonight.
"I suppose given how uncooperative he was...."
JACK GONNA DIE TONIGHT!
"And if my little ponies were to see him they would panic...."
GONNA DIE!
"But, he has been cordial. So I suppose...."
JACK GONNA HAVE HIS INTESTINES PULLED OUT HIS BUTT AND TIED INTO A KNOT!
"Jack, you are hereby placed under permanent house arrest. You will remain in custody until further notice. You will have what my sister and I deem necessary, but not allowed to leave. Guards, please escort him to the top room of the west tower."