No Warranty
The past few nights at the Apple farm hadn't been the best of nights. A few of the prestigious apple trees had been picked clean by a thief, with each successive robbery resulting in more and more trees being picked clean each night.
And as was to be expected, each successive robbery resulted in an angrier and angrier Applejack, who at that point had a look in her eyes that most thought could only be achieved by those whose residence ended in mental institution.
It hadn't always been that way though. After the first robbery, she tried to stake out the orchard. However, the thief was craftier than her. They didn't strike that night. Perhaps they were too busy making apple pie. Perhaps they saw her on her porch.
Either way, Applejack ended up staying awake the entire night without seeing so much as the tail of the one who took her prized apples, a fact that made her as frustrated as she was tired by the time day broke.
But, that was five days ago. Now, it was early in the morning and Applejack was on her porch, her deranged look having been replaced with one that was about a tenth less deranged, but in its place was the sort of look one has when they think ‘this is the best idea I've ever had’.
In her orchard, and seemingly content with being stationary as though it were incapable of movement, was a beast that many feared. A beast that most thought the average pony would never dare to go near.
A four thousand pound pancake maker.
A hippopotamus.
It had cost Applejack almost every bit to her name. Luckily, she got a forty percent discount due to the fact she wielded one of Elements of Harmony, a discount she wasn't aware existed.
“Ain't Harry a beauty?” Applejack asked proudly, the maddened look in her eyes ever present.
Twilight Sparkle stared, dumbfounded and terrified at the sight that was out in her friend's orchard. She knew that her friends could have some… questionable ideas, but she didn't think they were capable of coming up with ones that were this caliber of stupid.
Not to mention dangerous.
“Applejack,” Twilight began, her voice shaky, “you do realize that you've bought a two tonne beast responsible for numerous deaths in its native lands, right?”
“Yup.”
“And you realize there's a chance that if anypony were to come by and say hello, they might end up getting added to that death toll’s sister list?”
“Uhh… I never really thought about that part.”
Twilight shook her head and turned to face her now clearly insane friend. “How in the world do you expect to not have this thing rip apart your orchard if it finds that thief?” she asked. “If anything, you'd have better luck just buying another dog.”
“Ah, big deal,” Applejack said, a twitchy look in her eye. “If some good fer nothin’ thief wants to take my apples, then they better be prepared to suffer the consequences! That's what my mama and papa always told me anyways.”
Twilight sighed and looked back out at the orchard. “Yeah, but wouldn't it have been better to get something… I dunno, less dangerous? What if Applebloom upsets it?”
“Twi, you worry too much,” Applejack said casually. She rested a hoof on Twilight's shoulder and smiled. “Applebloom went for a ride on Harry last night with Scootaloo! They had a lot of fun, and so did Harry.”
Twilight turned her head and raised an eyebrow. “They went for a ride…? How in the world did you get it to do that without it rampaging through your farmstead?”
“The same way Granny Smith used to get her daddy to stop being a jerk after he got home from the bar,” Applejack replied. “I knocked him out and then, after he woke up, let him chase me 'round until he fell asleep from exhaustion!”
Twilight took a step back, her mouth agape, and blinked twice. She slapped herself once and then cleared her throat in preparation to ask her friend a question she could, in theory, ask nearly every pony she knew.
“Applejack, are you feeling okay?”
“Nope.” A strand of Applejack's hair popped up and and hung in front of her face like a fishing hook. “I'm pretty sure once this thief is caught, I'mma have to get myself a therapist. Thievery has always been something that's upset me.”
“Why?” Twilight inquired.
“When I was a filly, my favorite stuffed animal, a little bumble bee I named Bumbly, was stolen,” Applejack said with a somber look in her eyes. “I got over it about three hours before I met you.”
“And… how long had it been since it was stolen when I met you?” Twilight asked, concerned that her friend may or may end up bawling her eyes out from memories of her favorite toy.
“About twenty years.”
Twilight nodded her head and silently contemplated if she really knew Applejack. So, she turned back out to the apple orchard and looked at Harry, who was in the process of chewing what the princess could only presume to be an apple. She eyeballed the two-tonne beast, enraptured by its massive bulk and dull grey color. The massive snout it had looked, from a distance, to be as big her entire body, a fact that made Twilight shiver.
That's when Harry turned his attention to the alicorn and locked eyes with her. He simply stared, seemingly waiting for Twilight to make some sort of movement.
“Ah, don't worry, Twi,” Applejack said, realizing that her friend looked like she was ready to fly away screaming. “I bet Harry just wants to come up and say hi to you!”
“Yeah…” Twilight remained as still as an unlucky victim would after having looked at Medusa. Eventually though, Harry turned and lumbered away in the direction of the barn, never bothering to turn his head to look at where he was headed.
Twilight let out a sigh of relief. Her heart was beating as though she had just run a marathon. Though, if she had to be honest with herself, that seemed like a day at the spa when she considered the potential consequences of not being able to outrun a hippopotamus.
After several seconds of silence, Twilight fell to her haunches and stretched her wings. She turned her head to Applejack, who had a nonchalant look on her face. “Why wasn't Harry looking where he was walking?”
Applejack shrugged. “Maybe he saw a timber wolf,” she replied, not seeming the least bit puzzled by the fact her new pet might have an unhealthy fixation with not paying attention to where it walked. “Or some other creature. Ya never know what'll wander out from the Everfree to try and take one of the cattle, 'specially when they know there ain't no security.”
“I don't know,” Twilight said with a nervous look on her face. She looked back over to where Harry—who by now had vanished from sight, which made her feel simultaneously better and worse. On the one hoof, she was glad that Harry hadn't crashed into (or through) the barn. On the other hoof, she was terrified that he'd wandered out of the farm’s vicinity and might be en route to Ponyville, a scenario that made Twilight want to have a nervous breakdown. She shook her head in attempt to forget about the potential disaster that that would be and continued what she was saying. “Something just doesn't feel right to me.”
Applejack chuckled. “Ya sure it isn't just me?”
Twilight looked at her friend again. “Yes, I'm sure,” she deadpanned.
“You surely sure?”
“Applejack, I'm as sure as I am that my name is Twilight Sparkle.”
“But are you absolutely, positively surely sure?” Applejack asked with a smirk.
Twilight facehoofed and groaned. “Fine you've got me,” she said in defeat. “I'm not.”
“Ah knew it!” Applejack let out a hearty laugh and smiled. “I promise, I'll be okay. I'm just stressed.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Twilight said, shaking her hoof at her friend. “But… honestly, a hippo? Where'd you'd even get it?”
“Eh, Big Mac knew some colts in college,” Applejack replied. “I told him I wanted something that would make nopony ever want to even consider swiping something from our farm, and his friends said they had two choices.”
“What was the other one?” Twilight asked nervously.
“A moose.”
Twilight nodded, opting to just go with it instead of questioning the insipidness of her friends statements. She sunk back down onto the floor and stared at the legs of the nearby chair.
“OH SWEET CELESTIA!”
Suddenly, a stallion’s fear-filled voice penetrated the air the same way the sound caused by experimental military aircraft pierces the air and causes some to believe the end of the world is nigh. However, just like anyone who hears those sounds, it caught the two mares off guard. They turned their attention towards the barn in time to see a cream-coated unicorn run out from behind it. Not far behind him, and visibly pissed off, was Harry, who tore through part of the barn and rapidly gained ground despite the unicorn’s best attempts to hurl apples at the beast in what both mares assumed was a last-ditch effort to get the hippo to stop for a mid-chase snack.
Although from what they could tell, it only fueled Harry's desire to turn the unicorn into an abstract art piece.
The unicorn disappeared into the orchard, as did Harry, who barreled through a fence with terrifying ease.
Twilight stared blankly out at the sea of trees, where she could hear the heavy thuds that Harry made with his every step.
At least, she figured it was Harry who made those sounds.
Eventually though, she snapped back into reality and turned to her friend, who simply stared out at her orchard, slackjawed. “Applejack?”
Applejack slowly turned her head to her friend. “Yes, Twilight?”
“Should we go stop Harry?” Twilight asked sheepishly.
Applejack's face quickly changed from one of shock to one of disbelief. “Twi,” she began in a deadpan tone, “you really want to go out there where there's a rampaging, four thousand pound beast that obliterated part of my barn and the fence like they were both sand castles?”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Isn't that the same concern that I have?” she asked. “You know with-”
“Ah don't know what yer talking about…” Applejack let out a heavy sigh and frowned. She knew that Twilight could see through her lie, and the mere attempt at betraying her element, even for a second, made her feel ill. She looked down at the floor and shook her head. “Yes, I get it, Twilight,” she said sorrowfully. “I get everything. This was a stupid idea!”
Twilight walked over to her friend's side and patted her on the back. “Don't worry, Applejack. We all-”
Before Twilight could finish a sentence, a terrifyingly loud CRASH filled the air, and made both mares jump out of their skin.
From where they both stood, they could see an apple tree shake violently before it fell over, as though it were held in place by scotch tape.
“Should… should we go check?” Applejack asked hesitantly.
“I… guess so,” Twilight said, uncertainty filling her voice.
Applejack nodded, though with visible reluctance. The duo sprinted towards what they could only assume would be a scene straight out of a horror movie.
And, to their dismay, their assumption turned out to be right.
Harry the Hippo lay near the downed tree, which had an enormous dent in it. Near him was the thief.
Or what remained of him anyways. Harry had slammed the poor stallion into the tree and turned half of him into a sloppy joe. However, a mostly unscathed piece of the now deceased stallion remained, and it was a piece that caught Twilight's eye.
“This was Home Invader!” Twilight said, doing her best to not cringe at the sight the hippo had made, which was easier said than done when one considered that Harry had effectively fertilized the grass with the thief’s insides. “The stallion who robbed a dozen homes in Canterlot! I’d recognize his cutie mark anywhere!”
“Ya mean that looney who threatened to rob the castle last week?” Applejack asked. “What in tarnation is he doing stealing my apples?”
Twilight shrugged. “I can only assume he needed something to eat since Celestia dispatched royal guard into Canterlot and Ponyville in hopes of catching him,” she said. “My guess is that he was hiding out in the Everfree.”
Applejack ran over and wrapped her legs around Harry as much as she could, an action which surprised the hippo—not to mention Twilight, who looked ready for the hippo to throw her friend halfway to the moon.
“You hear that, Harry?” Applejack asked giddily. “You caught one of Equestria’s most wanted!”
Twilight glanced back down at Home Invader and cringed. “I wouldn't say he caught him,” she said, doing her best to not ruin the joy that her friend was clearly relishing in. “I think a better way to put it would be: he made him look like an apple pie…"
Applejack stopped hugging Harry and walked back over to Twilight. “What matters is now I won't have to worry about a shortage of produce,” she said casually.
“But what about this being a big mistake?” Twilight asked.
“I never said I still didn't think that,” Applejack replied. “Now, I'm gonna go to the market with Harry to get some grub. Want anything?”
“Just… get me a sandwich,” Twilight responded, not even bothering to tell her friend that she’d contaminate evidence if she took her two-tonne behemoth of a pet down to a public place. Instead, Twilight fell onto her back and stared up at the sky with a blank stare. She felt dead inside. Perhaps it was because of Applejack's brutal honesty that she didn't care about the thief’s life. Perhaps it was because she knew her friend was now headed into town on the back of an animal that could take a good sized portion of Ponyville with it if it happened to get loose.
Thud, thud, thud.
Twilight felt her blood run cold. She knew those footsteps couldn't have come from Harry. Despite his size, she knew he couldn't create what felt like a small earthquake with his every step.
She opted to remain still, hopeful that whatever was now behind her would just wander off. However, as she lay there, motionless as statue, she felt a blast of hot air hit her.
Twilight cautiously opened her eyes. The second she saw what was above her, the color drained from her face and she let out a scream of absolute terror.
Leering down at her was a monstrous, yet regal cat-like being made of limestone. Atop it sat Pinkie Pie, who leaped down off of it and landed beside her friend with a large smile. “Hey, Twilight!” she said as her friend continued to scream. “How do you like my Sphinx?”
Twilight flew off into the distance, somehow still screaming,