Not Even Surprise is Surprised.
"Okay, so here are the rules," Twilight explained. "You all have to maintain at least 60 words of talking per minute. You get unlimited water, but you still have to maintain that word rate if you take any drinks. There will be a ten minute bathroom break at the start of the second hour and every subsequent hour. You get one sub-60 words minute; after that, you're out. You don't have to yell or anything, but you need to be audible. Please no swearing; I'm not going to disqualify you if a word or two slips out, but if it keeps happening, I will disqualify you. Uh, that's about it. Any questions?"
"Can we start already?!" Pinkie sing-songed.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Hold your horses, Pinkie. We'll start at three pm sharp. Contestants, prepare yourself for... the Talk-Off!"
The selection of contestants was, well, honestly a bit disappointing. Pinkie of course was competing, but beyond that, the only other ponies to show up were Toe-Tapper, Pink Vanilla, and Cherry Berry. This meager turnout probably had something to do with the fact that on all the posters Twilight had put up around town, somepony had scrawled, "I'm going to win! --Pinkie Pie". One could make the assumption that these were in fact genuine Pinkie Pie tags; the i's had the cutesy heart dots and everything.
An example of said "i" with a heart dot. Who gets this passionate about clarinets? Beats me. Are there even any ponies that play clarinet in the show?
Not a pony per se, but apparently Gabby plays clarinet. Only show appearance of a clarinet apparently, at least that's tagged as such on Derpibooru. Wouldn't surprise me if a clarinet or two showed up in the Friendship Games marching bands or Flim and Flam's pawn shop.
Inasmuch, one could also presume that most ponies figured they didn't stand a chance against against the prodigious pink... I can't think of any word for "person who talks a lot" that starts with p. Let's just go with prodigious pink pony. Also, the contest was held at three o'clock on a Wednesday afternoon. Who the heck schedules a talk-off on a Wednesday afternoon?! Twilight Sparkle, who apparently forgets that most ponies have normal jobs.
Toe-Tapper, here extoling the wonders of food stamps
Toe-Tapper is a freelance musician with nothing better to do on a Wednesday afternoon,
This isn't Pink Vanilla, because Pink Vanilla isn't a real pony--yet. Seems like a pretty swell name for an OC if you ask me. Almost as good a name as Super Trampoline!
Pink Vanilla is a name I made up, and Cherry Berry's balloon is currently in the shop for repairs. Also, the prizes for the contest were pretty unexciting as well. A twenty-bit gift card for quills and sofas? Whose idea was that? Oh, right, Twilight Sparkle's. But hey, second and third place got five-bit gift cards for Sally's Mane and Beauty Supply. Kind of random (Did Twilight just rifle through her drawers looking for old gift cards? The world will never know.), but hey, a gift card's a gift card, and three of the four contestants were guaranteed to win some sort of prize! Shame about fourth place, but we can't all be winners.
At any rate, the four contestants were lined up inside the Sequoia Conference Room of Twilight's castle. Funny thing, that castle. When Twilight started exploring it, she found three fully furnished conference rooms and a ballroom inside, all bearing the names of trees. Poplar (hahaha pun!) opinion was that since the castle was kinda sorta not-really I dunno maybe a tree, it made sense that the rooms would have tree names. 2:59:55 rolled around, and Twilight announced "On your mark, get set..." The clock struck three. "Go!"
And the contestants were off!
"Let me tell you about cherries," Cherry Berry began.
"Please somepony help me, I'm not real!" Pink Vanilla started.
"Would you like to add a chocolate-chip cookie for just a dollar?" Toe-Tapper asked. Haha the joke is that all freelancing creative types also are fast food workers. So original! So funny! Comedy Club here I come!"
And Pinkie? She turned the buckball hat upon her head backwards, and with a snarl, launched into the illest track of 2433 or whatever year it is in whatever calendar system ponies use.
"Yo, my name is Pinkie Pie, and honestly I'm surprised you've made it this far. We all know by now that Super Trampoline's random comedies almost universally suck, and here I am trapped in one. But such is my lot in life as a poorly written fourth-wall breaking character, and inasmuch I shall strive to fulfil my destiny and duty to the best of my abilities. But let's be honest, nothing I say here is going to be particularly witty or substansive or original. Rarely does Super Trampoline have the focus or the dedication these days to produce such quality work, instead willing himself to continue to pump out what would be overly generous to even call mediocrity. And yet, spurred on by a misplaced desire to entertain his dwindling number of fans and prove to himself that he's not completely washed up, he continues to, if only barely, poop out these articles of ennui and creative burnout. The fandom is dying, but Super Trampoline still has hundreds of ideas he hasn't finished or often even started, and thus finding himself at the crossroads of shifting public interests and personal stagnation, he pushes himself to at least produce something even if that something is the misguided diatribe of patent mush. And where do I, Pinkie Pie, stand within all of this? Well, right here, in the middle of a doozy of a talking contest. As the pony most aware of her imaginary nature, I become the author avatar for many a pony fanfiction author with no sense of restraint and subtlty. I remain bound to the whims of these mad fools who splatter words upon the page (webpage, as it were) with little regard for whether what they write is any good. But should we judge them for this? Am I any different in my canonical appearances within the show, where one episode I'm an intelligent if troubled character rich in humor and depth, only to find myself flat and leaden the next appearance, a vehicle for 'oo, shiny!' gags and nothing more? If we are to place guilt and blame upon the fanfiction authors who misuse me, then surely it is only fair to view the show writers through this same critical lense. They too have fallen flat many a time.
"And yet, I remain upbeat and triumphant. Why? Because, at the end of the day, I know I will have my moments to shine. I, Pinkie Pie, may find myself down at times--I daresay even often. But these instances are far outweighed by my triumphs. Yea, when I shine, I shine brightly. My warmth, my humor, my steadfast dedication to my fellow equines' happiness: these traits lift me about the valleys of depression and hollows of mediocrity I so often fall into. For I am Pinkie Pie, and above all, I seek to make everypony smile."
It was at this point that Pinkie realized that the cacophony of voices reverberating across the room had ceased--even hers. Catching her breath, she looked around. All eyes (ten to be precise: those of the other three contestants, plus Twilight, plus Spike, who like every other writer both amateur and professional I've forgotten to even mention until now) were upon here, her heavy breathing the only sound now.
"Uhhhhh, so do I, uh, win?" she asked timorously.
Twilight looked around, and seeing no one else stepping up to answer, replied. "I, uh, well, to be honest, I think originally Super Trampoline's plan was to have me record your soliloquy and do something mischievous with it like splice it to make you say 'I love butts!' like one would do in a YouTube poop, and indeed that performance started pretty unexceptionally, but honestly by the halfway mark it was pretty sincere and by the end it was far too pure and heartfelt to ruin with any stupid remixes. I presume the other contestants were too emotionally affected by your declaration of purpose and existence. Is that correct?" The other contestants nodded in agreement. "So, uh, congratulations Pinkie, you win the first annual Ponyville Talk-Off and a twenty bit giftcard to Quills and Sofas!"
"YAYYYYYY!" Pinkie exclaimed exuberantly.
