The Drunk of Ponyville

by Brony_Falcon

First published

A drunk earth pony is under the delusion that the mares like him... boy, was he wrong.

So, this stallion... he's an alcoholic, right? It's sad, really. He walks around Ponyville trying to look for somepony to chat with. Maybe even go futher with them.

's not easy when y- *HIC* when you're a drunk...

- Inspired by my brother's story, Jirou's Wild Pony Time (link broken).

Right... I forgot his story was private. So instead, have a blog that bashes said story into the ground.

Can I have it? Please?

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The town of Ponyville was bustling with ponies. Some were taking a break from work or walking back to work, others were chatting up a storm. There were even a few who ran around looking for items they may have dropped, or were just in a hurry for something. Everypony seemed to be having a productive morning... except for one individual. He was just... stumbling around aimlessly, trying to find somepony he could chat with... or become closer to. It wasn't easy given the fact that his orange fur was stained with rum. He rubbed his matted red mane with the rum bottle he bought from the store, trying to keep it that way. He felt a bit paranoid that ponies would shun him if even a single strand of hair was out of place.

He kept stumbling around looking for company, but everypony shied away from him... mostly because of his demeanor. He grumbled at that. "You p- *hic* ponies should liiiight'n up. *hic*" He continued wandering around, occasionally getting glares from other ponies.

One in particular was repulsed by the fact that he was even around. "Why don't you go back to the bar where you belong?" he snarked.

The orange one huffed. "Ah'm Jacob F- *hic* Falcon! D'you ponies think that *hic* 'm lousy? No good, jus' *hic* traaaash?" To that, he got a few jeers.

"You're not welcome in this part of town!" another pony yelled.

It stung... really, it did. He was pretty much alone. He had no company, no starting point... he barely even knew the ponies here. He just decided to dwell in the past and take on an addiction to alcohol. He couldn't do much besides sulk and wander...

Jacob then had an idea. One that he wished he would've thought about earlier. Though his mind was all fuzzy, he had a clear objective... to seek out some company going from door to door. So he made his way out of that part of town... wherever that was.

His little idea yielded no success so far. He got mixed results, ranging from no answer up to "Get away from my family!" followed by the door slamming. He started getting frustrated after the sixth house he tried. He even went to the boutique, but the result was just the same as all the rest... he asked for a chat, and Rarity told him to come back when he decides to buy some clothes, and ends up with a door in front of his face. He wasn't about to give up. At this point, he was just desperate to find a house that would accept a bit of banter.

The next house that came into view was a strange one. Jacob took a moment to stop and observe it from a distance. He could tell they were musicians, but their house looked... bizarre. Like somepony painted half the house blue, and polished the other half. The music that was playing inside was gritty and rough, yet somehow also relaxing. Even though he was inebriated, he knew that this particular house would be ingrained into his mind. "That *hic* 's a strange house..." he grumbled. He put the bottle in his mouth and took a swig of rum, sloshing it around in his mouth. He then took it out and held it in front of him, swirling the substance inside. There wasn't much left. It'll probably last him another half-hour or so. He then stumbled forward, making his way to the door. He stopped in his tracks when he reached the door, and he bumped his head on it. Pretty hard. His hoof went straight to his forehead. "Owwwww..."

The music stopped moments later. A muffled voice could be heard from inside. "I'll get it," the voice said. She sounded sophisticated, almost like she was born in Canterlot. The door opened to reveal an earth gray pony who wore a bowtie. Her face scrunched up at the sight... or rather, smell of Jacob. She spoke in an exasperated tone. "Sweet Celestia, who are you?" Her eyes dart over to the bottle of rum.

He takes in the details of the mare standing before him, since she would be a potential mate. Quite nice, the brown mane and tail. Was her mane up in a bun? Then his eyes darted over to the mark on her flank. He wasn't fluent in music, but he knew that it was a treble clef. Of course, he was drunk, so he made second guesses about it, thinking it was an ampersand. He knew he shouldn't linger for too long, so he locked eyes with Octavia, who was already looking antsy. "Name's Jacob," he finally replied, setting the bottle down and extending a hoof in greeting, doing his best to smile and not look like an idiot.

She eyed his hoof warily, expecting something else from the drunk. Eventually, she decided to accept the hoofshake. "Octavia," she replied with a half-smile.

He was a bit shocked, really. Not even Rarity gave him that kind of courtesy, and that's saying something. His mouth opened and closed wordlessly. It took him a while, but his brain finally caught up with his mouth. "Do you... d'you want to chat?"

She didn't really know what to think of the situation. Standing in front of her was a drunk pony who walked up with a bottle of rum and smelled like a dumpster. And he was asking for a chat. "Uhh... give me a second, will you?" She walked away, leaving the door open behind her.

He took that as an invitation, and so he grabbed his bottle of rum, took another swig, and walked into the house. He couldn't help but overhear the conversation that was transpiring.

"Vinyl, there's some drunk at our front door, and he's asking me to chat with him," Octavia stated.

"Shit..." the other one replied. "Don't let him see me. That's the guy I was telling you about."

Octavia groaned. "You mean that's the guy who always stalks you out of the club?" She turned to face the front door, only to find Jacob roaming around the living room. "He's in the house," she whispered.

"Damn, get him out!" she whispered back.

"On it." With that, Octavia made her way to the living room. "What are you doing in here? I asked you to wait outside."

He hiccupped. "Y'left th'door open." He pointed his bottle to the front door, which was standing wide open. "That's an in- *hic* invitation, right?"

She scoffed at that. "Just because somepony leaves their door open does not mean you can just barge into their house!" She pointed her hoof at the door. "Get out!"

He looked in the kitchen and caught a quick glance of an electric blue tail. "Wait a minute, was that...?"

She rushed him out the door. "Out, out, out! And don't come back!" She then proceeded to slam the door in his face.

He was back to square one... no one to talk to, no long term partner. It frustrated him to no end. He grunted, then turned to leave. It was pretty much a lost cause at this point... but he didn't give up, no matter how many ponies turned him away. So his next stop was another house. He knocked on the door. No answer. Getting angry, he banged on the door. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted a wall-eyed mare with gray fur looking through the window. He only knew about her because of the countless times he spotted her delivering mail. When she quickly shut the curtains, then turned and ran away, he huffed. "Ayy, Derpy! Why don'tcha c- *hic* come out here 'n talk t' me?"

He started to bang on the door once more, but was distracted by a rainbow blur in the sky. She landed in sight of Jacob, far off in the town square, then she started walking around. Jacob then took another swig and threw the bottle on the ground, smiling at the sight.

It took him a while to find her, what with the ponies around the square roaming around, going about their business, but he managed to catch up with her before she flew off. "Hey, Rainbow Dash!" He waved his hoof at her.

She turned to face him, then groaned. "This guy again..." she muttered, before putting on a facade of joy. "Uh, hey there. What's up?"

He took a moment to check her out. Nice shade of cyan, I'd say. The rainbow colored mane and tail really bring out the beauty within. He said the first thing that came to mind. "You're hot."

She snickered and looked away for a minute. After recovering, she had to think of a good response to that. "Um... thank you?" She turned away again to laugh at the ridiculousness of the conversation.

He could only smile at that. The first time he made anypony laugh. Maybe she's the one... his special somepony. "D'you want to sex sometime? *hic*"

She stopped laughing and looked at him in shock. "Wait... did you just say what I think you just said?"

He repeated himself. "Yeah, I said do you *hic* want to sex sometime? Like, maybe at your place?"

She laughed nervously, her eyes darting around for any sort of help. "Uh... I've gotta go. Important Wonderbolts business. Gotta go, bye!" And with that, she started to fly off. Knowing that she would probably escape, Jacob lunged forward and bit down on her tail, causing her to yelp in surprise. She tugged on her tail to see if she could get it out, but to no avail. "Hey! Not cool, let go of my tail!"

His eyes were fierce... the kind of eyes that showed his desperation. "Not until... you sex with me!" he yelled through clenched teeth.

"I'm warning you, dude..." she replied firmly. "Let go or I'll force you to let go!" He refused to comply with her demand. Without any more warning, she lunged at him and tackled him into the ground.

"Hey!" a voice called in the background. "What's going on here?!"

Rainbow Dash turned to find a unicorn with medium-gray fur and a shaggy two-toned blue mane and tail walking towards them. "Hey, Chance. Just dealing with some doofus who wouldn't let go of me."

He inspected Jacob closely. "I'll handle it from here. You go ahead and do what you have to."

She salutes him. "Will do." She then flies off, leaving a rainbow trail behind her.

Jacob groaned, then slowly sat up. "Wha'd you do that for? *hic*" he complained.

"You're my brother... and I'm the only one who can look out for you," he replied plainly. "How many times have I gotten you out of trouble? Was it three times? Four?"

He rubbed his head, looking around at his surroundings. "I dunno... where's the rum?"

Chance put a hoof on his forehead and groaned at that. "You've got to stop this. Seriously, you can't solve all your problems with rum."

He tilted his head in genuine confusion, then hiccupped. "But I was about to sex with Dashie. That way I wouldn't be lonely again."

He couldn't help but snicker at the comment. He then straightened up. "I'm going to Tartarus for that..." he muttered. "Anyways, judging by the fact that you bit down on her tail... and yes, I did see that... and she buried you into that hole..." He pointed at the indention where Jacob was sitting. "... I'd say you were trying to... err, for lack of a better term... bond with her."

He backed away at the mention of that. "W-well, it's not like..."

Chance held a hoof up to silence him. "No need to explain. Just don't do it again, got it?"

He stared at the stern gray unicorn in sadness. "But... nopony likes me."

His expression hardened. "It's because you decided to start drinking when we got here. That's no excuse to start trying to "bond" with anypony you see." He walked away, headed back to the castle.

It took him a moment to respond. "Can you help me, Chance?"

He stopped in his tracks, then turned back. He saw all the sadness in Jacob's eyes. The guy didn't lose hope just yet, but he has already been reduced down to nothing. "It's not my area of expertise. If I were you, I'd start by visiting a therapist." He paused for a moment, lost in thought. He then smiled. "Twilight told me a lot about this 'Dr. Wolf' character. Apparently he's really good at what he does. Maybe you could try giving him a visit." He then turned to walk away. "Good luck, bro."

Jacob stared at him for a while, until he was out of sight. He gave the idea a lot of thought. Perhaps it wasn't a bad idea... he started to stand up to look for the psychiatrist... but before he could get up, he passed out in the middle of Ponyville.

Chance took a detour out of the town square, towards the house of a good friend of his. Hopefully this works... he thought as he made it to the bizarre house. He smiled at the sight from afar, then he walked towards the door. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

Whatever music was playing had stopped as the door opened, revealing Octavia. She instantly recognized who he was. "Oh, Chance. It's nice to see you for a change."

"Well, I felt like I owed you guys a visit," he responded. "May I come in?"

She stepped aside and gestured for him to enter. "By all means, make yourself at home."

He walked into the room, observing it a bit closely. He then chuckled. "I don't think I'll ever get used to the color scheme here. It's like... I dunno how to describe it, but I suppose... like the difference between flowing stream and raging waves."

"Yeah, that's kinda the point," Vinyl replied from the other side of the room. "It's basically an expression of who we are."

He turned to face Vinyl. "Oh, good! You're here. I want to talk to both of you about something."

Octavia motioned for me to sit on the couch, and I did as instructed. She did the same for Vinyl, and she complied. "What do you need?" To that question, he sighed.

Vinyl took notice of that. "Uh-oh, that's never a good sign. What kind of favor is it?"

He looked up at the both of them. "I need you two to watch over my brother."