For Your Eyes Only
My dearest teacher.
Or friend. Mentor. Leader? Confidant?
I don't really know how to start this because I'm not sure what I should call you now.
Like you all those years ago, I find myself awake throughout the night. I'm hoping that this letter will reach you just after you raise the sun today, if for no other reason than to give myself a time limit. Judging by the clock, I've got a few hours.
And I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts because I wrote that paragraph almost a half-hour ago. Let me start again...
Dear Celestia.
Goodness, it's strange to call you by just your name. So much has happened, and I've learned so many things. I took the liberty of researching the different stories you shared with me from a couple of years ago. I was...well, I wasn't shocked by what I found, because what I did find pretty much confirmed those same stories. The shock had passed.
At the time, I wasn't sure what to think. Truthfully I still don't. But if I can't get my thoughts out on paper, then I may not get any sleep at all tomorrow night either. A small part of me wants to ask if you're doing well. I mean, it has been some time since my last visit, and you were in high spirits then. I can only hope that nothing has happened to dampen those spirits, and yet here is my letter being all cryptic and not going anywhere.
Darn it. Can I start again?
Dear Celestia no, no, enough circling around. That's been my problem all night.
Look, I...am not sure if I have processed all that you've told me. It was one thing to learn about your old conflicts, and another still to be told about how King Sombra came to be. But to share with me the very origins of your birth creation? I mean, I always had my doubts about whether or not you and Princess Luna were like me, but to know the truth of it...
And then the entire business about your magical potential. You say that you and Luna would need to strain yourselves for weeks in order to even come close to disappearing. (I say 'disappear' because I can't bring myself to say the other word.) All of this has taken me a long time to accept, and doing research on it has helped a great deal in allowing me to believe it.
But...
Monsters? Why?
It's that comparison that has been causing all of this rampant thinking. You compared you and your sister to monsters, which I can understand from a certain viewpoint. The two of you were created in a ritual, evidently, which means both of you were literally made to rule. That part of me that wants to know how you are feeling is the same part that believes you. It's not a large part, but it's loud and sometimes abrasive. You've never given me reason to doubt you, after all.
Until 'monsters.'
I think I'm finally getting to the point of my thought process. Let me just put this out there: if you truly are a monster, and you were created to rule, then what does that say of those you have taught? I mean...do you mean to imply that I have spent my entire adult life with loyalty to a monster? And if so, wouldn't that make me a monster as well?
It would be a type of conditioning, wouldn't it? I've read articles about animals kept as pets in a family of other animals, such as a dog among a litter of cats. When it is grown, the dog would exhibit traits and mannerisms that you would expect of a cat, like how it sits or where it tries to lounge. So, if what you're saying is true (and that same loud part of me is being abrasive again), where does that leave me?
Yes, I think this is the question I've been trying to find all night long. After learning all of this, what am I?
When you were created, and when you took charge and your sister took charge of Equestria, were you aware of what you could do for ponies like me? Not do 'to' them - do 'for' them, as in your lessons, your guidance, your ability to make me into one of you. I may not have the same pool of magic that you can call upon, but...the new traits you told me about after my coronation...they were granted to me along with the ascension, right? Growing wings and getting taller could not have been all there was to it. I remember you telling me all that I should expect now.
I suppose I just didn't expect this. Maybe you did?
I'm honestly getting a little panicked right now. I can feel my face heating up. If you are a monster like you say you are, then how were you able to get me where I am today? Were you created to do that, too? You're not getting anything from this, are you? Am I just overthinking this? Wait, I already know that I am, it's why I'm writing this down right now because I can't sleep!
I need to-
okay that's better I'm feeling better I had to take a walk outside
I don't think I'll be visiting for a little while. I need some more time to organize my thoughts again. I may need to induce sleep on myself just to make sure I don't collapse, because I just know I won't be going to bed any other way.
Is this how you felt when you discovered decided believed you were a monster? How did you get through it?
...if it's true, why am I still so comfortable with asking for guidance from a monster? Because that same loud part of me is starting to believe that I'm a monster, too.
Maybe I have my answers after all.
~Twili
~Princess Twilight Sparkle