> Text to Speech: Twilight Tales > by Jashin > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Chapter 1 - Arrival > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Castle of Friendship, an immense tree shaped crystal structure that towered over the town of Ponyville. The castle is owned by and home to the Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle. Two other house guests are also living there: Spike, a purple dragon and the number one assistant to Twilight, and Starlight Glimmer, a freeloader that is there to learn about Friendship. Currently, the Princess was in one of the many crystal rooms that she had converted into a laboratory, working on her latest research topic. Twilight sat at a table near one of the rooms windows, a book gently floating in front of her face, held in place with her magical aura as she scanned its pages. “No, no, no,” Twilight chanted to herself as the pages of the book rapidly flipped one after the other. In a rare fit of book harming, Twilight snapped the book shut and slammed it down on the table in front of her. “Ugh, nopony has gotten close to, or even started to head in the right direction of, obtaining better access to the Aether.” Sighing in defeat, Twilight levitated A Simpleton’s Guide to the Aether in hopes that rereading the book for the next couple hundred times would yield better results. The door to the laboratory cracked open slightly and Starlight’s head peeked through the crack, “Everything alright Twilight? I heard something slam.” Twilight nodded her head, “Yeah, everything's fine. I’m just trying to see if there are any research avenues into the access of the Aether that have yielded any fruit. So far I haven’t found anything that was worth looking into further with today’s understanding.” “The Aether? That old topic?” Twilight giggled and set the book down, “Yup, I want to at least try and see if I can do it. But so far I don’t have a lot of faith that I’d make any difference like the last dozens of scientists that have tried.” Starlight smiled at her friend, “Hey! Don’t give up just yet, if anypony could do it then it’d be you, Twilight.” She looked over at the book Twilight had set down, “If I might make a suggestion… why not try your own personal practical application instead of relying on the experiments of others? I mean, it’s the Aether, everypony has access to it on some level. It’s harmless.” Twilight rubbed her chin with a fetlock as she looked at the ceiling of the crystal room in thought, “You know… I might just do that.” “Happy to help, Twilight. So how about I get out of your mane, just leave you to your experiments?” After exchanging a few more pleasantries Starlight’s head disappeared through the crack of the door and Twilight was left with her thoughts. “Practical application, huh?” Twilight thought to herself. Springing to her hooves, Twilight quickly positioned herself in the middle of the room. Bracing herself, she channeled power through her horn and closed her eyes. Immediately she felt herself tap into and connect herself fully to the powers of the realm beyond hers. The Aether, the realm of souls and the source of all magic on Equus. Instead of gathering the necessary power and forming a spell with it like she normally would, Twilight simply stayed connected to the realm and felt the gentle currents of power wash over her mind. Experimentally, Twilight tried gathering power like she normally would. She felt the power flood into her through her horn, but it was as hard to grasp and inefficient as usual. To anyone other than unicorns, spellwork looks much easier than it really is. And in some cases, like for example minor levitation or just a straight up beam of energy, that’d be true. But as for any complicated spell, things start getting progressively harder and more energy is wasted. Twilight cut the flow of power and this time tried to manipulate the energies differently. Power started to flood into her once more, but it was the same as last time. Cutting herself off, Twilight tried again. Once more she failed, snorting in annoyance Twilight did it one more time. Power filled her up again, but still the same. After several more repeated failures, she stomped her hoof in frustration and screamed out in anger. She, however, was still channeling power and the Aether bent to her emotions. A pulse of power in the realm of souls rippled out into its depths in response to her emotional outburst. Twilight blinked in shock as a response to this new development. A bright smile overtook her previously angry face at this and the princess quickly went to work observing the way the Aether responded to her now. Twilight bent and played with the energies of the Aether, its power now so easy to take control of. She was so busy experimenting with her newfound way of taking control of the Aether that she didn’t notice the presence watching her. “Oh Twilight, I forgot to tell you!” Starlight Glimmer said as she trotted happily into the room. So focused on what she was doing, Twilight jumped in surprise as the voice of Starlight interrupted her. All the power she was gathering and playing with blasted out of her horn, gathering into a ball of crackling power before expanding out in all directions and swallowing her up. Just as quickly as it expanded, the ball of energy shrank back into a tiny ball and popped out of existence. Starlight was left to gape in disbelief for but a moment before she shrieked, “Oh sweet Celestia! Twilight!” “And that was how I got here!” Twilight proclaimed to the majestic skeleton sitting on the golden throne before her. “You are ab-so-fucking sure there was nothing else between then and now? Because I’m pretty positive I felt several different things happening in the immaterium during your little Warp-esque fuck-uppery,” the robotic voice of the Emperor’s text to speech device rang out from his throne. “Also, why the fuck were you being so descriptive of all of your actions leading up to that cosmic failure. I just wanted to know what the fuck you were doing to land you into my throne room.” Twilight scowled up at the decaying not-god, “I told you, if you were actually paying attention, I was trying to find out a better way for my species to access the Aether, or as you call it the Warp. The way we do it is very inefficient and I wanted to fix that.” Twilight looked off to the side, “And maybe there might have been a slight… encounter during my little trip through space and time.” “Do tell, because I want to make one hundred percent sure you aren’t some daemon trying to fuck with me. I have enough shit to deal with and complain about as it is without having a nuisance like that around here.” “Didn’t you just release a Daemon Prince Primarch riding a motorized bike into the most heavily populated planet in the Imperium?” Kitten asked. “Hush, you. Don’t ruin my son’s first bicycle experience.” “Right, right. I think I’m going to go send that message to the Ultramarines now,” Kitten replied. “And don’t forget this time to tell them to cut Guilliman’s life support.” Kitten chuckled nervously, “Eheh, certainly My Lord. I’ll get right on that.” “Good. See that it is done. This is my will.” Ignoring the golden warrior walking out of the throne room Twilight said, “Anyway, as I was saying, I was drifting through the Aether-” “Warp” Ignoring the Emperor Twilight immediately continued, “-I realized I couldn’t simply move my body through the Aether back to my world with teleportation. Something kept blocking me whenever I tried to gather the power for that spell, so I just kept moving forward. Eventually the ride started to get a little… bumpy is the best word for it I guess.” “I would have used neck-snappingly jerky myself, but bumpy works I suppose.” “Right. Well as I was trying to stabilize myself something else tried to attack me mentally. Luckily I was on guard at the time and managed to repel it. I tried to see if I was able to teleport again and found myself in some disgusting and nauseous Tartarus equivalent.” “By any chance did the air reek of a landfill marinating in a sewer for a hundred years?” Twilight grimaced and her face tinged green in disgust, “Yes actually, it was not a pleasant experience.” “Sounds to me like you mentally fought off a daemon and then landed in Nurgle’s domain of the Warp. A disgusting bloated blob of fat, rotting meat, corruption, and pus. He’s also the Chaos god of pestilence.” Twilight shuddered, “Thank you, Mr. Skeleton, I really needed that image right now.” “First of all, I am the mother fucking Emperor and don’t you forget about it. Second of all, you’re welcome, now continue with your story.” Twilight sighed, “After quickly having enough of that dreadful place, and not wanting to stay and longer than absolutely needed, I channeled more power and launched myself into the Aether once more. This time I was more prepared and as I searched the Aether for something to lock onto I found your spirit being projected very brightly into the Aether. I used that as an anchor and dragged myself to you, it was the only source of purity I could find.” “Yes, I am pretty pure in soul and all that. I can see why you would have been attracted to my magnificent presence resounding in the chaotic fuckery that is the Warp. I am actually surprised you didn’t notice it earlier when you were fighting off that daemon.” “To be fair I wasn’t actually actively looking for anything at the time, I was mostly confused and sorta just teleported to that disgusting realm on accident.” “You must have the luck of a million fucking leprechauns to be able to pull off a random teleport like that and not get yourself stuck and dead in the middle of fuck nowhere space. Seriously.” “I’ll try not to think about almost dying by suffocation.” “If you were stuck in the middle of space, I wouldn’t think suffocation would be the way you’d go.” “True,” Twilight said. After a moment’s pause, she asked, “Where am I anyway? And do you think I’d be able to get back to my home?” “You are in my Imperial palace, on a planet called Terra. This is also just one of the many worlds that make up my galactic empire called the Imperium, sadly it has fallen into an extreme pile of shit that I will have to thoroughly unfuck now that I can actually talk again. And for you returning home, that I can not guarantee as I have not encountered something like this before. And that is saying something coming from the guy who is over forty eight thousand years old.” Twilight’s ears drooped down in sadness, “Oh.” “But, when my son Magnus gets back from his bicycle ride around the neighborhood maybe he can search the library for any books that might help. He is a bit of a nerd like that.” Twilight quickly brightened up and clopped her hooves together excitedly, “Oh, I love libraries!” “Good. You two will go together like two peas in an extremely nerdy pod. Now, how about I try and fill you in with what I know about the Imperium so far. I have a feeling you might be here a while.” “Well… if you say so.” > Chapter 2 - Magnus > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Holy fucking shit, it feels like years have gone by.” Twilight looked up at The Emperor with a quizzical expression, “Huh? It’s only been a few minutes since you started talking.” “Never mind that.” “...” “Ellipsis.” “...” “Anyway, that is what I’ve learned about the state of my Imperium so far over the last ten thousand years. I expect to be even more disappointed when my Custodian returns and explains more shit. For some inexplicable reason he seems to be incredibly knowledgeable about the stuff that goes on in the galaxy.” Twilight grimaced and rubbed the back of one of her front legs with a tentative hoof, “Geez, just… What the bucking Tartarus is wrong with this galaxy? This place is kind of depressing...” “I know right. That was my general reaction to the massive turd fest I learned about so far, only with much more anger and righteous swearing. Speaking of swearing, why are you saying buck like it’s some kind of swear word? Just be a normal fucking person and use fuck like the rest of civilized fucking society.” “Eeeh,” Twilight drawled out with an uncommitted shrug. “Buck isn’t really a swear word in the conventional sense back in Equestria, it’s definition refers to the actual act of bucking. It’s just slang that uses the word in some inappropriate context, but even then it isn’t really all that bad. Most Equestrians don’t really swear and I sorta just picked it up over my time in Ponyville.” “How sad. I feel sad for you. Also, that word ‘Equestria’ rings a bell in my empty and withered skull for some reason. It’s probably nothing.” “Well, if you want to know a real swear word in Equestria… hehe,” Twilight giggled. She leaned towards Big E with a hoof over her mouth and whispered, “I’m not allowed to say it because the Princess would wash out my mouth with soap but since she’s not here and all…” Twilight paused for dramatic effect. “Now you’ve gone and roused my curiosity, what’s this big terrible curse word? If I still had the ability to lean towards you in anticipation, I’d be doing so right now.” Twilight shifted her eyes from side to side and whispered, “Sometimes Princess Celestia would write her letters to dignitaries and she doesn’t organize her quills by size, shape, worn down points, and color. It makes me pretty peeved sometimes.” Twilight gasped quietly and quickly moved her hooves to her mouth, giggling like a naughty schoolgirl in a classic porno. The air in the throne room was awkwardly silent. “I’m sorry I must have blanked out for a second and visited some alternate reality that left my mind in a perpetual state of disbelief and empty-eyed shock that one would only get when they see something fundamentally against their own set of beliefs and core values. Because that can’t possibly be the worst swear word you’ve ever said or heard. I don’t even think peeved counts as a swear word. What kind of fucking gumdrop, sprinkle covered, ice cream themed world did you live in?” “Well, Discord hasn’t changed the landscape of Equestria to that extreme extent since he was freed for the first time, so I guess just a normal world?” Suddenly Twilight glared up at the spooky skeleton and jabbed a hoof at him, “And I’ll have you know that is a swear word! I still have the detention punishment lines I had to write the first time I said it framed and hung on my wall to remind myself never to say things like that again!” Twilight proudly lifted her head into the air as she said that, puffing out her chest in pride like some sort of animal that puffs out their chest to attract a mate and display appropriate social and reproductive hierarchy to establish sexual dominance within the population. “Ellipsis.” “Sure, you’re a special kind of person Twilight. Never forget that.” “Thanks! I knew you were actually a super kind skeleton despite your abrasive personality!” Twilight smiled up at Emps, not a trace of sarcasm on her face. “I will not dignify that with a response.” The distant, joyful laughter of a proud man’s son echoed throughout the Imperial Palace cutting off further conversation, the revving of an engine and the screeching of tires could just barely be heard as the sounds drew ever closer to the throne room. The mangled cries of children being run over overshadowed by the fact nobody actually cared. After a few more moments of awkward silence the manliest of Man-Emperors broke the awkward atmosphere, “Eh, fuck it, your world’s swear words don’t matter anyway. Now, you remember the plan I told you about before that conversation, right?” “I do, but...” Twilight replied, rubbing a hoof to her chin, looking uncomfortable at the whole situation. “Should we really do this? It seems kind of mean spirited considering he’s your son and all...” “Just trust me. Magnus is a big boy, he can take it just like how he can take ten thousand years of being Tzeentch’s personal fuck toy. Plus, you can’t deny that this will be funny as hell. Shit needs to liven up around here anyway.” Suddenly there was the sound of a revving engine getting closer and tires screeching to a halt just outside the door, “Ok shut up, here he comes, act natural.” The doors to the throne room swung open and the red skinned Primarch waltzed through them looking relaxed and refreshed, “I must say father, that was the most fun I’ve had in millennia. I can see why Jaghatai loved going so-” Magnus stopped short when he reached the foot of the throne as he finally noticed the very brightly colored and noticeable sight of Twilight Sparkle standing at the base of the Golden Throne. The red Daemon Prince blinked and pointed at Twilight, “Father, why is there a small and purple winged unicorn in the throne room? And how did it even get here?” “I’m not sure what you’re talking about, my son. As far as I’m aware we are the only two people in this room… Besides my custodian.” “Hello,” Kitten said, finally being acknowledged this chapter. I bet you forgot about him. “My species are actually called alicorns, just so you know, my name’s Twilight Sparkle. And I’m also a mare, not an it, thank you very much,” Twilight replied, puffing out her chest with an indignant huff. Magnus looked at his father, still pointing at Twilight, “You don’t see this? You don’t hear ANY of the things she’s saying?” “Sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about. Perhaps spending all that time dicking around with the foul energies of the warp with no restraint and playing with daemons has knocked a few screws loose in your head.” “First of all my sanity is perfectly fine barring a few… not very proud moments over the millennia.” Magnus stood in a circular room filled with books, sitting at the head of a long table. The chairs at the other spots of the table each had a pile of books sitting on top of them. For a long moment Magnus said nothing at he sat quietly, a cup of tea floating in front of him with its matching pot sitting in the middle of the table. “Mr. Bookington…” Magnus slowly growled out as he started shaking in rage. “MR... BOOKINGTON! YOU DARE CALL THIS MUD TEA?! FEEL MY RIGHTEOUS FURY! HURAAAAAH!” A great gout of flame shot out of his outstretched hand, burning one of the piles of books seated on the chairs. “THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO RESPECT SOMEONE OF MY POWER! I, MAGNUS, AM THE GREATEST PSYKER IN ALL THE GALAXY, NO, THE UNIVERSE!” “But I am one hundred percent certain that that purple unicorn-pegasus is not a figment of my imagination,” Magnus insisted. Then he held up a hand, “And I’m going to prove it.” “Wait, wha-,” Twilight started, then yelped as a ball of warp-fire blasted the floor where she had previously stood. A pop and a flash of purple signaled her reentry into real space a few meters away. “Are you insane?!” Twilight screamed, “You could have hurt somepony!” She was breathing hard thanks to the sudden adrenaline in her system. “I shall not be swayed purple horse! Now sit still and-,” Magnus was interrupted by a glowing golden hand smacking him upside the head and several buckets appearing out of nowhere and dumping water everywhere, putting out the fires on the floor and the next fireball in his hand. “No fireballs in the throne room, Magnus.” The Emperor chastised. “And what about me?!” Sputtered Twilight, indignant that her near death by warp-fire was overlooked. “And don’t kill Twilight either. She is the only other intelligent conversation on this planet.” “What about me, my lord?” Kitten asked. “The only other intelligent conversation with an actual personality on this planet.” The Emperor amended. “Haha, only too true my lord!” Kitten cheerfully exclaimed. “So you DO admit she exists!” Magnus exclaimed. “Of course she exists, I have eyes, you know. Now apologize for trying to murder her.” Magnus just grumbled to himself, sounding, to Twilight, suspiciously like ‘No, you don’t have any eyes’. He then sighed and turned to face Twilight, with a tone that suggested he was at the very least a little bit sorry he said, “I’m sorry for trying to kill you.” “Apology accepted,” Twilight said, calming down from her near death experience. “And I’m sorry that I helped trick you, it was Mr Emperor’s idea and I thought it was kinda mean,” Twilight added, making sure to throw The Emperor under the bus. “Yeah, I figured it was his idea,” Magnus said. “He can’t help but be a bit of an ass from time to time, like when he refused to do anything when my brother’s teased me about my book collection.” “You were a grown ass man when that happened. I shouldn’t have to hold your hand whenever something mildly distasteful happens. You could have easily fixed that yourself but instead you locked yourself in your room with your books and moped.” Twilight’s eyes sparkled, “You have a book collection? So do I! I used to live in a library until it was blown up by an evil centaur, I’m just glad I had several backup copies of my books hidden back in Canterlot just in case something happened to them.” Magnus grinned, “I’ll have you know that my room is also a library, last time I checked I had several hundred thousand books lying around in there. Perhaps we can head there sometime and study, I could always use the company of someone that is capable of rational thought. A commodity that is sorely lacking in the Imperium right now.” “Are you ignoring me?” Twilight clipped her hooves together excitedly, “Ooh, sounds fun! My horn is already itching to write essays on everything in there!” “Yes, yes. You two can make out on your own time. Just don’t do it in the throne room, I really don’t want to watch whatever this is.” “That is not what is going on and you know it,” Magnus insisted, finally acknowledging his father. “Now, if you all don’t mind I’m going to reorganize my room. Can’t imagine it’s been kept in any sort of good shape over the millennia…” “Ooh, mind if I help? One of my favorite days was reshelving day back home!” Twilight strained her neck to look up at Magnus, hope in her eyes. “Well I don’t see why not! Let’s compare organizational systems while we do it!” While the two walked off to do nerdy things Kitten spoke up, “I should attend to a few of my other duties, my lord. When I get back, how about I tell you something else about the galaxy?” “Very well. I’ll just sit here and do nothing, then.” “Great! I’ll be sure to be right back!” With that cheery tone Kitten marched out of the throne room to go do whatever his job actually entails. . . . . “Fuck. This is boring.”