I'M TWILIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
One generically beautiful day, the shimmering sun beamed down on Ponyville and gleamed off the crystalline walls of Twilight's castle. Rather than being outside enjoying this gorgeous afternoon, the Mane Six along with Spike were all gathered around the Cutie Map table instead, deeply engrossed in an intense game of Cards Against Ponykind.
"Okaaaay..." Applejack muttered, looking at her black card closely before reading it aloud, "'The worst present Pinkie Pie can give you for your birthday is...'" She paused with anticipation as the rest of her friends read out their white cards one by one.
"'Diamond Tiara.'" Rarity proclaimed with a tiny flair of disdain.
"Pfft... 'Celestia's titanic sun-tattooed rear.'" Pinkie Pie sniggered, struggling to contain her laughter.
"Umm... 'an army of savage bunnies.'" Fluttershy murmured, almost throwing up at the thought.
"Zephyr Breeze's terrible wig collection.'" Rainbow Dash stated quite proudly.
But before Spike could read out his own card, his cheeks puffed up and his eyes narrowed as he started to strain. Then a burst of sparkling green fire roared from his mouth, spitting out a rolled up parchment onto the table. And it had TWILIGHT SPARKLE scrawled rather messily on it.
"A message from the Princess!" Spike exclaimed in shock, grabbing the scroll in his claws, "For you, Twilight!"
"Yes, I can see that, Spike. Don't get why you have to announce it to us." Twilight muttered with a roll of her eyes, snatching the message with her magic and unfurling it to read it:
Dear Twilight Sparkle
Meet me, Princess Luna and Cadance in the Badlands immediately. It's an emergency!
Oh, and come alone too.
Princess Celestia
Giving an exasperated sigh, Twilight's magical aura crumpled the message into a ball and unceremoniously tossed it over her shoulder.
"Well if she wants me to meet with her alone in the Badlands of all places, it must be a trap." She said nonchalantly, rising from her seat and making her way to the door.
"Say no more, darling. Take your time." Rarity called after her, her eyes not leaving her cards.
"Yeah, we'll hold the game until you get back." Rainbow added. Giving an appreciative nod, Twilight made her way out the door and onto her balcony. With that, she spread her awesome wings and took to the skies at thunderous speeds, soaring away over the distant mountaintops to the Badlands.
Turning his attention back to the currently-paused card game, Spike looked at the pile of ash that had once been his cards right in front of him.
"My card said 'King Sombra's horn up your plot' by the way." He spoke up, getting short responses of "mm-hm" and "nice one" in return.
Finally, after only 46 seconds of flying, Twilight finally dived through the clouds to be greeted by the barren sight of the Badlands. Touching down, she looked at her surroundings. It was nothing but a vast brown wasteland filled with jagged red rocks and mountains with only a single thin river running through.
And sitting all alone on a single rock slab in the middle of the desert, tied up with magic-resistant rope and surrounded by recently-covered holes, were the three princesses.
"I know it's a trap! I'm not just gonna waltz up to them and expect to free them with no problem!" Twilight called into the rocky wilderness. With that, the covered holes exploded into clouds of red dirt as nearly thirty of Twilight's greatest enemies burst out of the ground, each glaring at her with a malicious grin.
"Well, well, well." Chrysalis monologued with a smirk, "Princess Twilight Sparkle... it would seem you got our invitation. And here I was thinking you wouldn't show up. It wasn't hard, you know. Turns out all we needed to distract the guards in Canterlot and the Crystal Empire was cake, including Shining Armor and his stupid baby! HA! How pathetic is that? That way, we captured the three Princesses with ease, as always, and used them to lure you out here alone so we could all finally destroy you! With you gone, Equestria will suffer-"
"Yeah, yeah, thanks for the explanation, Queen Exposition." The Alicorn held up a hoof, shutting up the ex-Changeling queen in an instant. "M'kay, let's see here... so you brought along Tirek, Sombra..."
"Crrrryyyyyyyyssssttttaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllsssssssss..." The unicorn king slurred, practically aroused as he lovingly stroked a black crystal in his hoof like a cat.
"Yeah, good for you. The sirens, that Principal Cinch hag Sunset told me about..."
"Hag?!" spluttered the pompous unicorn, glaring daggers through her glasses, "Why, I ought to suspend your application for Everton! Any friend of those Canterlot High rapscallions is certainly no friend of mine!"
"Uhh, wrong Twilight, granny." The Alicorn raised an apathetic eyebrow before continuing. "Some yeti goat... thing with a stupid crown and trident and his overly-edgy unicorn minion..."
"Hey! I'm not supposed to make an official appearance for another nine months! Don't judge me!" The Storm King sniffled, clutching his trident close to him as Tempest Shadow patted his arm with a comforting hoof.
"...Garble, Ahuizotl, the Mane-iac..."
"Thought I'd escape from the comics and come into your world!" The tentacle-haired pony cackled in an exaggerated fashion, "Now that would've made for a much more MANE-raising experience, don't you think?"
"That wasn't even a pun." Twilight muttered in annoyance. "Dr Cabelleron, Lightning Dust... Flim and Flam?"
"My brother and I couldn't help but overhear that we somehow overpowered Celestia and took over Equestria in an alternate future." Flim rambled with an egotistical gleam in his eye.
"So we thought: well why not try overpowering all four princesses?" Flam finished for him, "Our sales will spread all over Equestria!"
"I doubt that, you straw hat-wearing stuffed shirts." Twilight replied snidely before looking at her last few opponents. She only got more and more confused with each one. "The Diamond Dogs... Suri Polomare? Prince Blueblood? Jet Set and Upper Crust? Spoiled Rich? Wind Rider? Svengallop? Zesty Gourmand? And Gladmane? How are any of you guys villains?" Each pony took a step forward and gave a brief explanation for their presence.
"Your friend Rarity won the Fashion Week trophy instead of me, m'kay?"
"That stuck-up unicorn expected me to treat her like a proper lady! Ugh! The nerve!"
"You and your friends ruined what was supposed to be an elegant garden party for my husband and I!"
"You assisted my daughter in rebuilding her school's playground for her blank flank friends. Don't look so innocent, you may have been there for less than two seconds but I saw you!"
"That friend of yours used her convenient detective interests to take my Wonderbolt status away!"
"If it weren't for that spy magic of yours, I'd still be living the high life as Countess Coloratura's boss! But nooooo! Now I live in a cardboard box on the streets of Manehattan thanks to you!"
"Rarity and her frizzy-maned lackey made me lose all respect Canterlot Restaurant Row had for me!"
"And I lost my casino thanks to your friends and their pathetic friendship! Uh-huh-huh!"
Twilight could only stare, giving two quick xylophone blinks before finally giving her dumbfounded reply.
"And I thought Starlight's reasons for evil were petty." Snapping out of her stupor, she got into a fighting stance. "Anywho, let's get this over with so I can go home and win at Cards Against Ponykind."
"Ooh, I love that game!" Sonata piped up, but her smile quickly faded as her sisters glared at her.
"And to get into the mood..." Every villain looked around in confusion as the sound of a deafening electric guitar began playing out of absolutely nowhere. Twilight's eyes narrowed as she began bobbing her head to the rhythm.
"Quick! Someone stop her before she starts singing!" Chrysalis hissed in a panic. With a roar, the gargantuan Tirek leapt at the Alicorn like a lion only to be met with a mighty buck to the jaw, Twilight now furiously head-banging as invisible backup singers began screaming higher and higher. As Tirek collapsed right on top of Chrysalis, Twilight then proceeded to kick the sorry butts of every villain who pounced at her and sing in a guttural growl:
In the brightest sun (HUH!)
I make the felons fall (HUH!)
There are five Alicorns…
BUT I'M THE GREATEST OF AAAAAALL!
YEAH!
Who does the coolest magic? (TWILIGHT!)
Who has the jacked-up spells? (TWILIGHT!)
Who’s so badass, it’s tragic? (TWILIGHT!)
NANANANANANANANA, TWILIIIIIIIGHT!
YEAH!
As the backup singers began on the bridge, Twilight landed a sick split kick on Jet Set and Upper Crust, sending them sprawling into the dirt. Using her magic to grab and straighten out the thin Zesty Gourmand like a stick, she simultaneously rolled up the Diamond Dogs into balls and tossed them into the air. The Alicorn then used Zesty as a bat to whack them directly into the faces of Cabelleron, Svengallop and Suri. With a bowling pins sound effect to boot.
"How dare you?!" Zesty practically screeched, "Don't make me critique you to dea-AAAAAAAH!" The critic mare didn't get a chance to finish before she was launched like a javelin directly into Tirek's face. All while Twilight continued singing, a confident smirk plastered on her face as she began flying to do air battle with Lightning Dust, Garble and Wind Rider:
Hey, hey, hey, TWILIGHT! (YEAH!)
Hey, hey, hey, TWILIGHT! (YEAH!)
Hey, hey, hey, TWILIGHT! (YEAH!)
DA-DA! DA-DA! DA-DA! DA-DA! TWILIGHT!
You think my wings are sweet? (YEAH!)
You haven't seen my brain (HUH!)
Ladies, I'm hotter than Rarity (Why?)
'CAUSE I'M A DEITYYYYYYYY!
On that last line, Twilight somehow managed to uppercut Garble, roundhouse kick Wind Rider and blast Lighting Dust to the ground with a beam of magic.
"NOW THE GUITAR SOLO!" Whipping an electric guitar out from behind her back, Twilight's hooves practically flew over the strings and played a kickass solo. Which somehow still continued playing as she flew down and used the guitar to whack Gladmane upside the head before swiping it under Spoiled Rich's legs and bringing it down on her head.
"Get her! GET HER, YOU IDIOTS!" the Mane-iac shrieked, rubbing her temples in sheer frustration.
"Or here's an idea, Mane-iac..." The bruised heap previously known as Svengallop called from across the battlefield, "Why don't you actually do some fighting, seeing how you have, oh, I don't know, A SET OF HAIR TENTACLES!"
"Oh." the badly-written comic book villain blushed scarlet. "Right. Uhh, little help, Sombra?"
"CRYSTAAAAAAAALS!" the unicorn king bellowed, charging at Twilight with a black crystal spear while the Mane-iac followed suite with her thrashing hair tendrils. Glaring, the Alicorn finished off her guitar solo before getting back to the singing. Still head-banging and casually blocking all their attacks as she did so:
I get the sick spells! That make you get decked!
Make Lord Tirek get Lord Ti-wrecked!
Turn Chrysalis into Chrysa-lose!
I one hundred percent am not a Mary Sue!
Sending the two felons to the ground with some final punches, she turned her attention to the cowering Storm King and Tempest Shadow.
"Oh, please don't hurt me! I don't even know what my powers are yet!" the yeti satyr blubbered, fruitlessly trying to shield himself with his trident.
"And I don't even have a horn! How am I supposed to fight?" Tempest added fearfully. But Twilight simply brought the pain on both of them, grabbing them before casually slamming them into the ground with her magical aura. Spinning around, she found herself face-to-face with the three monstrous forms of the sirens floating in front of her, all opening their mouths to sing. But only three incredibly cringe-inducing voices came out.
"Oh. Yeah." Adagio finished lamely, giving a sheepish smile.
"Great job thinking this through." Aria glared across at her. Rolling her eyes, Twilight tied their fish tails together and tossed them screaming like a tri-blade boomerang at Blueblood, tangling him up in a pile of slippery fish-like bodies.
"UGH! Not the coat! I just had a pampering!" he squealed before collapsing into petulant sobs. Twilight ignored him and continued her awesome singing, still accompanied by the nowhere-to-be-seen backup singers:
Who's the grooviest princess? (TWILIGHT!)
With the plot of steel? (TWILIGHT!)
Who could suplex a hydra? (TWILIGHT!)
Who never fails magic lessons? (TWILIGHT!)
Who’s scared of quesadillas? (NOT TWILIGHT!)
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
TWILIGHT, TWILIGHT, TWILIIIIIIIGHT!
"Honestly, it's like you guys aren't even trying to beat me!" the Alicorn shouted with a smug grin as she tied Ahuizotl up in his own tail like a bow on a present, before booting him halfway across the Badlands.
"DOUBLE BROTHER BOTHER!" Flim and Flam yelled out from behind, rushing towards her with both their hoofs outstretched for a double punch. Until Twilight simply teleported over them, simultaneously grabbed their heads and bashed them together, knocking them out instantly. All while still singing as the villains still standing rushed at her again:
Hey, hey, hey, TWILIGHT! (YEAH!)
Hey, hey, hey, TWILIGHT! (YEAH!)
Hey, hey, hey, TWILIGHT! (YEAH!)
DA-DA! DA-DA! DA-DA! DA-DA! TWILIGHT!
Who looks the cutest in socks? (TWILIGHT!)
Who has the prettiest mane? (TWILIGHT!)
Who has the tricked-out castle? (TWILIGHT!)
NANANANANANANANA, NANANANANANANANA!
Pile-driving Principal Cinch, Twilight smirked as she also gave Wind Rider and Suri a double blast of magic into the ground, leaving two charred indents.
Who's the leading hero? (TWILIGHT!)
With the sweetest ships? (TWILIGHT!)
Who could chokeslam a dragon? (TWILIGHT!)
NANANANANANANANA, NANANANANANANANA!
She then performed the suplex on Dr Cabelleron while delivering two swift throat kicks to Gladmane and Zesty Gourmand. And using her magic to create a humungous fist, upper-cutting Tirek hard and sending him to the ground. On top of Chrysalis once more.
Who's better-looking than Trixie? (TWILIGHT!)
Who has the highest test scores? (TWILIGHT!)
Who has to always be saved? (NOT TWILIGHT!)
NANANANANANANANA, NANANANANANANANA!
"How in Tartarus is she beating all of us at once?!" Chrysalis cried, pulling herself out from under Tirek's unconscious gargantuan body. Twillight just grinned.
"Becaaaause....." She responded coolly as she roundhouse-kicked Blueblood, Garble, Spoiled Rich and Lightning Dust at the same time.
I'm Twiliiiiiiiiiight!
Then leg-swept the Diamond Dogs and Sombra before brainbusting the Mane-iac.
I'm Twiliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
And finally finished off Flim and Flam with a split kick while giving her guitar one last strum and screaming the last lyric in the highest voice possible:
I'M TWILIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Livid now, Chrysalis began charging her horn as she flew at Twilight with the speed of a falcon. But the Alicorn proved to have the speed of Rainbow Dash as the changeling was met with the electric guitar smashing her in the face.
Dropping the broken neck of her instrument as the badass background music and vocals finally faded away, Twilight looked around at her fallen foes without even panting. With that, she simply trotted up to the three Princesses and cut the rope binding them with Sombra's discarded crystal.
"Thank you, Twilight! We wouldn't still be here if it weren't for you!" Cadance piped up, rising to her hooves.
"Twilight Sparkle, we are eternally grateful for your rescue." Luna bowed her head respectfully, placing a hoof on her chest.
"Indeed, my best student." Celestia added with a warm smile, "Once again, you have proven your worth and saved all of Eques-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm the only competent one, you're all useless, gotcha." Twilight interrupted, nonchalantly checking her hoof. "If you inevitably get into trouble next time, you all know where I live. Now I got a card game to win so... see ya." At those final words and with a spread of her gorgeous wings, the violet Alicorn took to the skies and shot off back in the direction of Ponyville.
With that Sonic Twi-Boom she'd performed only once in the past.
Pulling open the balcony doors, Twilight stepped back into the Cutie Map room with a content sigh, the others still waiting patiently as she made her way back to her seat.
"Princesses in trouble again?" asked Applejack without looking up from her cards.
"Yup."
"Villains out for revenge?"
"Yup."
"Took care of 'em all?"
"Of course."
"Good to know." Rarity replied as Twilight sat back down in her seat and looked at her white cards. Finally she selected one and read it out.
"'The entire reformed Changeling army.'" The whole room instantly shuddered at that thought.
"Welp..." Applejack declared, "...we got a winner."