The only chapter
Million little lights danced in the air, mere reflections of the light of the evening sun that was shining brightly through the glass panels lining the corridor. A beautiful sight, fitting for the mare that walked them.
You are lying, my voice brooked no argument.
It was the first time I saw her caught off guard. I was looking her straight in the eyes; I saw something pass in them momentarily, like a shadow of a shadow. It passed so fast however, I could not discern what it was.
This last few weeks… they were all a lie princess, weren’t they? I asked bitterly.
You thought, I might not be able to take the rejection. So you gave me what you thought I desired.
I sigh, slinking from behind one column and to another. Celestia is strolling leisurely towards the throne room, stopping occasionally to chat with someone or to look at one stained window or another.
But it is not. So, I ask you again. Do you… no, dare you love me, Celestia?
I squash the memory as I watch Celestia enter the throne room. I contemplate going in as well. In the end, I leave. I have things to do.
~~~~~~~
No.
I do not know if I honestly expected another answer then. I guess not. But one can hope, can’t they? And it still hurt when she said that…
I was taking a stroll through Canterlot. It is a pleasant day, and I did not feel like doing anything in particular.
No, I do not. I can’t. Sorry, she said, her face, a perfect visage of compassion.
A normal pony would feel heartbroken. Angry, maybe. Or just move on. I… I was not so lucky.
Emptiness. Emptiness, and a dull ache, as thought everything I hold dear was taken away from me, and crushed before my very eyes.
I just turned around, and started walking away.
Two weeks, I voiced before she could say anything, I am taking a “vacation”.
She remained silent as I eased the door shut behind me.
My wandering eyes notice a food stand at the corner of the street. I approach it, look over the assortment.
I buy a daisy sandwich, and set off again. I take a bite of it and chew slowly, thoughtfully.
‘So, what should I do. Two weeks are coming to an end.’
I ponder it for a while, but can’t find any satisfactory answer. So I wander aimlessly more.
~~~~~~~
I am reading a book. A relaxing thing to do, all things considered. Pleasant. But it doesn’t help. At least, not to the degree it usually does.
Because I can’t concentrate on what I’m reading. All my thoughts are about her. About why.
I close the book. I put it back in place, and trot slowly towards the exit of the library.
I can’t help but doubt my own words. Celestia knows me - probably - better than anyone else. She knows I can handle a lot.
She wouldn’t try to shield me with a lie, even if she thought I wouldn’t be able to see through it.
I make my way home. I have to make up my mind by the time I meet with her tomorrow.
It still hurts.
~~~~~~~
I lay in bed, tossing and turning around for what feels like hours. I still do not know, and neither can I fall asleep.I try to go all the way from the start. Again.
‘Why can’t she love me?’ She’s literally a goddess. And I… I am me. Just another one of her little ponies.
‘But then, why would she do that charade? Why would she try to decei...'
Realization hits me like a train. The many pieces of a puzzle finally all fall into place. But it still is just a guess. I need proof.
I gently climb out of my bed, carefully so as to not make a sound. More a force of habit, really.
Five minutes later and I am well on my way to the castle, the crisp night air doing wonders to calm my inner turmoil.
I was about to do the craziest thing I have done to date… and I am okay with it. It is worth it. It must be.
~~~~~~~
My head hurts. I didn’t have a moment of sleep the previous night and… well, it turned out not to be worth it. Which is weird. I was sure I would find something.
I take a sip of my coffee.
I have found not a single thing that would reinforce the idea that came to my mind yesterday. Moreover, I don’t even know what I was thinking. It is insane. It has so many logical flaws…
‘Yet, it is the only explanation that makes sense, isn’t it?’
… And it is. It is the closest I have to an answer. I’ll have to watch Celestia closely. Maybe this will yield me an answer.
Anyways, my headache and tiredness are still there. I gulp my coffee down and pour myself some more. It’s going to be a very long day, I can tell.
~~~~~~~
I am walking through the gardens. I still have an hour before I have to meet with the princess. I pass by another flower bed - it smells divine, but my distracted mind can not be bothered.
Before I notice it, I am already in the part of the garden where countless statues are placed.
I shake my head - a feeble attempt to clear my thoughts - and, as an exercise, try to remember each statue by name as I pass them. Heroes. Mages. Great evils. You name it, there’s a statue featuring it.
I reach my destination - a garden maze. It always amazed me in my childhood. Now, merely an interesting application of earth pony magic and some of the highest tier spells. No matter how you go, you will always reach the center. And if you knew how to navigate it? You can reach the other side of the labyrinth, which will bring you to the gardens entrance. A very neat trick for school excursions.
I enter the maze.
~~~~~~~
“Good morning, Celestia,” I say.
She smiles, greeting me in return. She acts as if nothing has happened. So do I. I’m not going to bring it up. Because...
… because just the first smile, and I have already seen what I needed. With time, it only gets more obvious. The more I look, the more I see.
It is stupid. Presumptuous. Insane. Yet, all evidence says it to be the case.
Gods can’t feel. They’re simply not allowed to. A god is a symbol. Something, that is unchanging. Something, that you know you can always rely on. They can not laugh, cry or love. And if so…
Well, it just means I will have to bring you down from that pedestal, Celestia.
And then, you would be able to love me.