> I'm Not A God!
>  by jwizard
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Not What I Expected
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

My life is messed up.

No, seriously; I have a really screwed up life.

Perhaps I should explain myself. My name is Jake Welson. I’m- or rather was -twenty-seven years old. I live in a modest but well built mansion off the coast of Crete.

Did I mention that I’m also rich? Oh, forgot that part.

Oh, one moment…

*ten minutes later*

Sorry about that; Celly needed a bit of advice. Not the first time, though lately, it’s been far more frequent.

Not sure why an alicorn older than most countries is coming to a twenty-something nerd, but apparently I have ‘untapped wisdom in great potential.’

Her words.

Anyway, I should probably get back to my tale.





My parents died in a car accident five years ago, leaving me with a modest inheritance. Most of that ended up getting sucked up by all the bills they and I had; after selling their house and paying off my student loans, I decided to invest all but around twenty grand.

Before I get any further, let me say this; you know the old saying ‘lightning never strikes twice?’

Totally bogus.

Anyway, I decided that I was going to have some fun in Atlantic City. Just before I left, I bought a couple of scratch off tickets. Much to my surprise, one of them was a winner.

A five million dollar winner.

After setting up my few remaining relatives- an aunt and her family -in a nice house, I put the rest into some more investments, then took my twenty grand to the casinos.

I was down to my last two hundred when I won again, this time at a slot machine.

Thirty-five million jackpot.

This time, I invested in some stocks; some of those were from the casino.

Needless to say, a lot of people were looking to see if I had cheated. After a rather tired six month investigation, they determined that I was simply bat-shit lucky.

Not that having all of this money- my investments were bringing in more millions -was always a good thing. In fact, a whole bunch of people started claiming they were related to me.

Let’s not forget all of my so-called friends.

To get away from it all, I bought a small mansion on an an island off of Crete.

Well, actually, the whole island, but that’s not part of this particular story.

*a set of clopping hooves sounds next to John*

Excuse me…

Sorry about that; one of my efforts has been to help Rainbow Dash and her adopted daughter Scootaloo with the advanced flight prosthesis.

Yes; that Rainbow Dash.

Hey, I’m getting there, but if you really wanna know all of this, then I need to tell you how it all started.





When I first saw my new late-modern Grecian mansion that I had bought for my early retirement- such as it was; all those investments made it so that I couldn’t fully retire -I was more than a little flustered.

The place was a run-down wreck. Some local fishermen said the land- hell,  the island -was cursed. As a result, nobody had lived here in years.

Of course, being the skeptical sort, I didn’t buy it.

Hindsight is twenty-twenty.

In any case, the house needed a lot of work.

After an hour of inspection- my dad had been a house inspector damn near Holmes’ caliber -I realized that it was just neglect. The foundation was solid, and most of the storm shutters were still intact. Plus, for some reason, there was a complete and utter lack of animal or insect damage.

Again, one of the fishermen swore that that was because of the carved statues of Arachne and Artemis on the front plinths. I simply rolled my eyes.

Again, I really wish I hadn’t been so skeptical.

Fixing up my new home wasn’t all that hard. I spent my teen years working on my dad’s construction crew, so I was able to help the work crew I brought in.

The village I now owned needed a lot more work, but after a few months, I was able to get a small working community going.

Hey, I moved out here to escape all of those that knew me and wanted something from me, not to break off contact completely. If I wanted that, I would have bought a cabin in the middle of the Brazilian rain-forest.

Believe me, I was sorely tempted.

However, the first really weird thing happened only a couple of weeks after I moved in; it really helped to explain why house was so cheap.

I didn’t actually have to buy the island; ended up doing so to secure my privacy.

As I was saying, the weirdness began far before I managed to fix the house up.

Then again, some of it actually helped with the fixing of my mansion.





A thud awoke me from where I had been sleeping on the couch in my new foyer; my room wasn’t ready yet, as there was quite a bit of weather damage from one of the few broken windows.

Damn kids and their rocks.

Picking up my key-ring and my smartphone, I made my way to my mansion’s cellar.

Like most older mansions, mine actually has three cellars. One for my collection of fine wine, one for the heating and plumbing, and one locked one that is mostly used for storage.

The light on my phone illuminated the staircase as I made my way down. Once at the bottom, I turned on the overhead lights.

Standing before me was the door to the storage room. Using my skeleton key, I unlocked it and went inside.

For such an old mansion, there was very little dust in this room. Most of the stuff had sheets draped over them.

Picking my way through the junk, I made my way over to the barred door on the other side. This led- or so I presumed, to the lower tier of the mansion that overlooked the low cliff.

From what little research I was able to do, that part of the mansion was a restored temple to the goddess Eris. The previous owners had refurbished it into patio and enclosed garden. This room was supposed to be a coat room, but had been relegated to storage.

Lifting the bar, I opened the heavy door. Half suspecting the hinges to creak, I was surprised that they didn’t.

On the other side, I found what had caused the thump; a wooden effigy of a gryphon of all things had been knocked over. The reason was because a tree branch had somehow made its way through the door leading out to the back patio.

A door that looked out into a forest.

I stared at the branch in disbelief, then at the open door. This didn’t make a bit of sense! The mansion’s back end overlooked the ocean; it was one of the main selling points.

Before I was able to get over my shock, a tugging sensation grabbed me at the navel and pulled my six-foot-four, two-hundred-twenty-five pound frame through the open door.

I tried to brace myself against the doorjamb, but some force knocked me upside the head, causing me to black out.





I came to feeling groggy, but otherwise fine. However, everything felt strange.

Shaking my head, I climbed clumsily to my hooves to get a decent look at the large clearing I found myself in. I glanced to my left and saw a shimmering door on the other side.

Wait a moment; hooves?!

I looked down; sure enough, I was now the proud owner of two pairs of hooves.

Something on my back went fwoosh; I turned my head to see a pair of silver-gray wings. I lifted my front right hoof and tapped where I could feel a weight on my forehead.

Yep, you guessed it; like every bad fimfiction out there, I was apparently in Equestria.

As an alicorn.

Cue the groans.

Before I could get my bearings any further, I heard a scream. A pair of ponies- one a dark mulberry, the other a pale blue with a beard -came crashing through the trees to my left, just to the side of the portal. Right behind them was a gryphon holding a scythe in one talon.


The male gryphon- what I would later find out was called a tiercel -took a swipe at the filly with the scythe.

My gaze took on a reddish tinge as my anger flared. My horn lit up bright silver; pointing it at the miserable creature, I decided that he was better off as as statue.

A bolt of silver energy struck the tiercel in the chest. He flared, turning into wood. The scythe caught on a branch nearby, dragging it back through the portal I took earlier. Before I could say anything else, the doorway closed behind it.

Great ;now I was stuck.

Heaving a sigh, I decided to make the best of it. I sat down and motioned to the two.

They joined me somewhat hesitatingly. I looked closer at them, realizing that they both looked familiar.

The stallion wore a long- tattered robe and a hat with bells on it. Though he was fairly young, I could see that he had a long beard. His horn bore a ring of dense metal.

The filly, aside from being a cherry mulberry in color, also had a ring around her horn. Plus, she had heavy horseshoes on her hooves; they looked painful.

The stallion cleared his throat. “What little magic I can command through this ring told me I’d find aid this way. I wasn’t expecting a pegacorn. Your kind seldom leave Elysia.” He gestured in the direction of the hapless gryphon. “My name is Star Swirl, and this is my young ward and pupil Clover. Might I know your name?”

I shook my head in disbelief. Star Swirl, in the flesh! Seeing that I had yet to answer, I opened my mouth to do so.

“My name is Able Hooves, and I’m not from Elysia.” Star Swirl looked at me with narrowed eyes.

“Hmm, a common-born. Well, I thank you.” He gestured to his horn and little Clover’s poor hooves. “I hate to ask, but could you use your magic to remove these?”

I nodded. “As long as I can keep them in return, as payment.” I focused on the objects.

With a pop, both horn rings slid off, and the shoes dropped off the filly’s hooves. She sighed in relief, then glomped me.

Star Swirl’s horn sparked as he conjured a saddlebag for them. He then draped it over my back. “The temple is not far from here; once there, these blasted mercenaries won’t trouble us.” He trotted off, the filly following.

I followed as well, once more marveling at the fact that this form felt so natural.

It unnerved me to no end.

A few minutes later, we arrived at the nearby temple. I was immediately struck by the similarities between that and my back patio; if I didn’t know better, I’d say that they were the same building.

Clover galloped to an open doorway; myself and Star Swirl followed more sedately. “I must thank you my friend; I could have easily removed the bindings myself, but I can do little to aid little Clover beyond teaching her. Her destiny is greater than my own.” He waved a hoof. “That is why we’ve come here; the God of Need should protect her.”

“God of Need?” I asked. Star Swirl nodded, a smile on his muzzle.

“Though little is known about him, it is said that things of an unusual nature will happen to ponies. Sometimes they will find themselves in places they weren’t supposed to be; other times they would find something unusual. One thing that is often a part of this though is the meeting of a person of great and unusual powers. He is not always a pegacorn, but he always has whatever the pony needs. He gives aid in return for payment.”

Star Swirl summoned a tattered yet quite familiar book. “He gave this to me when I was but a colt; it is how I earned my Emblem.” Star Swirl looked at me with a stern gaze. “When you do meet my younger self, tell me nothing of this.” He held out his hoof; on it was a stone the size of his frog.

I lifted it up and placed it in my bag. I turned to trot over to where I saw a trough and saw that a nearby archway was glowing.

“Oh no, here we go again, “ I groaned as I was pulled through it.





> Not The Doctor, So Why All The Time Stuff?!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Waking up from my trip, I shook my head, still groggy. One of my ears twitched at the birdsong.

Yes, twitched.

All of a sudden, I jumped to my hooves in fright. I was back home on Earth.

As a pony.

As an alicorn pony.

After ten minutes of freaking out worthy of Twilight Sparkle, I sat on my haunches and tried to calm down. To do that, I started looking around the storage room.

To my shock, I found that was first appeared to be junk was in fact pony style furniture. All of it had the appearance of age.

None of it was anything I recognized. I had the feeling though, that it was all gifts.

Or, more accurately, payment.

Heaving a big sigh, I started to rearrange things in the hopes of figuring out just what the hell was going on.

Now, at this point, you’re probably thinking that I was handling my pony form far too easily.

You’d be right. Once I was certain night had fallen, I trotted out to the top of the patio and SCREAMED at the moon.

For twenty minutes.

Male alicorns have really strong lungs.

Then I went back to cataloguing my possessions.

*takes a drink of sweet black Equestrian tea*

Anyway, after about a couple of hours of this, I started to get really hungry. So I made my way to my kitchen to get a couple of carrots and an apple.

*a snicker is heard*

Got you!

What I really did is made myself a PBJ and a glass of milk. I only ever ate rabbit food- carrots, lettuce, and the like -while in Equestria.

Here on Earth, my taste buds run more towards those non-animal foods that a primarily carnivorous human eats when not eating meat.

Even as a pony.

After eating, I curled up on the couch and fell asleep.

Screaming at the moon is really exhausting; I have no idea how wolves can do so all night.





Before I go any further, I’d like to clear up a few things.

First of all, getting sucked through a portal and turning into a pony Just. Plain. Sucks. Donkey. Shit.

As much as I- as a closet brony -loved the idea of visiting the world of the show, the real thing was vastly different.

To sum it up, what a lot of fan fic authors have said is true; every episode of MLP: FiM is only a year's’ worth of events.

As seen through a pin-hole.

See, the Muses that let us mere mortals see into other realities like to play fast and loose with the details. One of which was the fact that it takes two days worth of travel to get to the Castle of The Two Sisters.

Or did until the Everfree was finally cleared of Nyx’s spawn.

Before you get mad, not the Nyx of the fics.

No, this one is Eris’ mother.

THAT Nyx.

That’s right folks; the Greek Gods are the real deal.

That’s stuff for another tale though.

The other thing I should mention is this:

I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!

Sorry,

I’ll have to explain after I finish my first experience.





The ringing of the doorbell woke me up. I got up groggily, stretching out my arms.

Man, what a weird dream.

I walked to the front door and opened it, thinking it was the work crew.

I was right.

The next couple of days were pretty tame. That is, until I found my way into the storage room.

And found the horn rings and horseshoes.

Oh shit; that really happened; I was really in Equestria.

As every other bronies’ secret desire.

Not mine; if I use my own power- which I’ve done -to go to Equestria, I’m always a proper, practical earth pony.

With a Cutie Mark of a smartphone smashing a rock.

Don’t ask.

Anyway, I took the bag up to my room to get a better look. I’d given the workers the weekends off to be with their families; they all live in the fishing village to the west of my mansion.

I sat there, looking at one of the rings. As I did so, I started thinking about Star Swirl.

Getting up from my bed, I walked over to my bookshelf and took down a brand-new copy of one of my favorite books.

It’s a fictional book containing all sorts of useful spells. Or at least, it was until I moved into this house. I had drawn a repair glyph onto a broken lamp the day before.

It worked.

I placed the book into the saddle bags and walked to the ground floor patio.

As I suspected, the doorway led into Equestria.

Yep, you guessed it.

Down the Rabbit Hole once more.





I came to at a familiar temple. This time though, I noticed that things were quite a bit different.

For one thing, there weren’t any drinking troughs in the front court.

For another, a small blue unicorn colt was sitting at a statue with his hooves clasped.

A statue of Epona.

Now, before I go on, I should explain more of my background.

Even though I look like a linebacker- and I was one in high school -I’m actually a world-class nerd.

I have read and studied on virtually every ancient myth and religion Earth has. As a result, I’m able to recognize ones that most wouldn’t.

So seeing a statue of Epona alone was a bit of a shock. Especially since she has no connection to Greece, being that she was primarily Celtic.

My ears perked up as the colt started to speak.

“Great Goddess, please, send help. I need my Talent to help my family.” The colt swallowed; I could hear his tears in his voice as he continued praying. “If you cannot come yourself, then send your Keeper. I can pay.”

I had enough; no kid needed to be that sad that young. I got up and trotted quietly over to the colt. He turned his head and stared at me. Though by this point I was pretty sure who the colt was, I decided to ask. “What’s your name little colt?”

“S-Star S-Swirl, sir,” he stammered. “Did Epona send you?”

I shrugged my wing shoulders. “I have no clue; my house is just special. But I think I was supposed to be here.” I levitated the magic primer out of my bag and handed it to him, He took it with wide eyes and used his hooves to open it.

“Wow! A real grimoire!” He turned to the small satchel next to him and handed me a large sapphire.

Though the stone was uncut, it still shone with a mesmerising sparkle. I lifted it with my magic and placed it next to its twin. “Well, I’ll be off,” I said. “I think the priest needs something too.”

I trotted away, but not before the colt glomped me.

Seriously, what’s with pony foals and glomping?





This time, I was in Equestria for two weeks. Every time I came back to the temple, the archway led to a different part of the house; most of them looked far different than what I knew.

Each time I found somepony that needed something, I found a possession of mine with little value that meant more to them than anything else. In return, I got objects- and glomps from foals, filly and colt -that I recognized.

Some of it was really modern-looking furniture.

At the end of the two weeks, I realized that I had been given everything that filled that first storage room, and several more.

The last time I trotted through the arch, I found myself back in my room.

Barely five minutes had passed.

I groaned, as I saw that my replica Screwdriver was on my bed instead of in its storage box.

Timey-wimey shit.

Great, just great.





So, you wanna know if it always happened that way?

The answer is both yes and no.

I didn’t notice it at the time, but the magic of this house- and the one that controls it -works in ordered stages.

All this meant that I had to visit Equestria to establish my legend alongside of Epona’s. Much to my chagrin, I was called the God of Need.

Then and now; as much as I try to refute it. I”m just the help.

I still get pulled to Equestria when the need is great. Most often though, ponies usually find their way to me.

Or to others on the island, as the villagers are now a part of it as well.

I think the house’s magic extends to anything I own, as I’ve been pulled- or met ponies -while on business in the States.

Only those that are open to magic can see them though. That’s not limited to just kids like you’d think.

Anyway, that’s how things started. And though I was really annoyed about it at first, I’ve since changed.

It’s amazing what having ten lovely and loving mares as friends can do for you.

Hey, what do you expect?! Over there, I’m as much of a horse as they are! And sometimes, the help they need is the comfort of a strong stallion.

When that happens though, the house usually provides a ring for my horn that prevents pregnancy.

Usually; I do have one pony son that I helped raise, as well as a fair number of pony daughters.

That’s not part of this tale though.




> Bug Spray, Bad Amulets, And Dumb Dictators Who Don't Know When To Quit
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, you’re back again.

Probably want more of my story; well, there’s really not much to tell about those first few weeks.

Well, that’s not entirely accurate-- I did have an issue with bugs and a dark sorcerer.

Which one first; the bugs or the sorcerer?


Both??

Well, they are pretty short, but the second one’s got a couple of steps I have to go through before, so you’ll be getting three stories.

First things first.





So, how much of the show have you watched?

Ah.

Well, as I said before, the Muses played fast and loose with the details.

For the most part, it’s minor details.

For one in particular, it simply never happened.

But since you did watch Magic Duel, I can say that in all honesty, that one was completely true.

You’re probably wondering why Celestia would let something like the Alicorn Amulet be made.

Well, the short and long answer is the fact that no pony from Equestria made it.

I did.





You remember that one of the first things I got was a set of heavy metal horseshoes that I took off of Clover?

Well, they weren’t bronze or brass or steel or iron, but were actually an heavy gold alloy mixed with orichalcum.

I know what you’re thinking; one doesn’t exist, and the other is too rare for something like that.

Not in Equestria. Orichalcum literally grows on trees, as there’s a tree that has it as its sap.

Ponies can make- and do make -gold. Plus, both the minotaur and centaur mine it and trade for grains.

In any case, that alloy is often used for suppressors, being that copper is magically inert. What that means is that the other two metals act as a siphon, causing their mana to spill out of their founts into the air around them.

That, by the way, is why Star Swirl could still use magic, as that book I gave him had meditation techniques that allowed one to hold a spell outside of your body.

Or in Star Swirl’s case, in the bells on his hat, and in gems he carried in his beard.

However, if you add zinc and a focusing crystal shaped into a form symbolizing power, the alloy pulls ambient mana to the pony, amplifying their magic.

That’s what I did.

But not on a whim.





The third week introduced me to the violent creatures that ponies had to deal with. Early one day, I woke up as a pony and knew that I was really needed.

This time, the house didn’t even bother with a portal; it pulled me right through my open window.

I came to in a Stonehedge-looking glade with three unicorns and an earth pony surrounding me.

They had already gathered payment for their need; the caveat was that I had to use said payment to make it.

The unicorns provided a focusing crystal, bars of pure zinc, and a book on enchanting runes.

The earth pony- not a servant, but actually part of the group -provided a forge, as well as an extra set of hooves.

What followed was a chance to exercise my craftsman's talents as a crafts-pony.

I already had the shoes and rings with me, they provided the base for the necklace. Melting them down and adding the zinc changed the alloy.

However, in order to properly enchant it, it needed a magical catalyst. This was often something like moonflowers or dried sunflowers, but there was one more magical than that.

Hoof shavings and molted primaries from my own body, and a wood sliver from my living room floor.

Hammering out the basic shape was easy. While the earth stallion cooled it in chilled mountain spring water, I used the runic book and began to shape the focus crystal.

Shaping it to look like an alicorn was deliberate; not only was it supposed to be a symbol of power, but it was a symbol of my power.

Hey, I’m far from stupid; even if I had never watched the show, I would have known an object of such power carried great potential for misuse.

Once all the parts were joined, I laid a few safety spells on the necklace; if ever used for evil, it would change the pony, amplifying their aggression along with their magic.

Not being able to take it off unless you chose to do so wasn’t anything I did.

You can thank the satyr they needed it for that.

As I watched the four ponies leave, I couldn’t help but wonder when this little bit of aid would bite me in the plot.

Fortunately for me, it was another that got the raw end of the deal.

What can I say; my house protects me.





So, you’re probably wondering about either the bug problems, or the dark sorcerer.

Well, the first is an actually fairly simple solution to a vexing problem.

Remember I’ve told you- and you’ve seen -that sometimes ponies come to me for solutions instead of me going to them?

Well, about a month after I forged the Alicorn Amulet, a pair of ponies from what would later become Baltimare came looking for aid with a vexing problem.

It seems as though they were having a problem with bugs. Not really thinking much about it, I gave them a book on etymyology and five cans of Raid.

What did I get in return?

*points to a grove of Golden, Silver, and Zap Apple trees*

That’s right; I got my first magical tree from them.

The Silver one anyway; the Golden one is from Gilda, and the Zap Apple is from Apple Bloom.

Nope, not telling that one right now.

Anyway, while both the Raid and the book helped them, their neighbors refused to believe them about shape-shifting bug ponies.

At the same time though, the all natural bug spray they made kept the Changelings out of Equestria for a long time. That’s why their numbers were always so low.

Yes, they used Raid on Metamorphosis.

Who is she?

Chrysalis’ mother; or rather, the Queen that laid her egg.

*glares at the interviewer*

In my defense, I wasn’t aware- until after the fact -that the bugs they were having problems with were changelings.

If I knew that, I’d have given them- and shown them how to make -an enchanted horseshoe that would have worked much better.

Let’s go for a walk.





So, you probably wanna hear about the sorcerer now.

Well, he’s part of my collection.

*stands before a life-like statue of Sombra*

You’re looking at the resting place of King Sombra.

Did I do this to him?

Certainly not; I prefer marble, not stone.

No, it was a combination of abject stupidity and the anger of my house that did this.

Take a seat; this one is going to take some explaining.





After his defeat at the hands of Spike and Cadance, all but Sombra’s horn was destroyed. Even a bit of him left over was too much; he was quickly able to reform himself and headed south to find the one thing he thought could help him win.

The Alicorn Amulet.

Remember I said that the satyr cursed it? Well, that particular curse was wearing thin; being that the amulet had manipulated a pony with untapped potential, most of its magic was gone.

All it was now was just an ornate amplifier.

So, Sombra used an old spell to look into the past and see its forging.

Once he realized that the God of Need was the one that forged it, he demanded my assistance.

He should have stopped there, as all he got instead was being tied up by Plunder Vines.

After he got free, he used his Umbral powers to pass the Divide and forced his way into my home.

She struck him down before I was even aware anything had happened.

Like I said; she protects me.

*sighs heavily*

It’s times like this that I wish I’d gone with that cabin in Brazil…




> Pony Friends And Pony Lovers
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, hey, back again I see.

More stories?

Well, I can give you more; Heaven knows there’s plenty to choose from.

Something different though; how about a couple that involves more intangible aid.

*grins a sly grin*

Oh, you’ll see.





Not everypony that comes to me- or I go to -asks for physical aid. Sometimes it’s advice; that’s actually what I give to Celestia and the other princesses most of the time.

Sometimes it’s aid that’s hard for humans to swallow.

Sometimes though, what I’m to give them is what I get in return.

A friend.

I think I’ve mentioned before that whenever something serious is about to happen, I usually wake up as a pony.

Well, one day- about two months after I first moved into the mansion -I suddenly woke up and galloped to the open back patio.

Just off the side of the cliff was a shimmering portal. I spread my wings and dove off, flying through it to the other side.

I could see a female pegasus foal falling. Without much of a thought, I grabbed her with my forehooves. She went limp with relief as I flew to the bottom of the cliff.

Once I sat her down, I conjured a hoofkerchief so she could blow her nose. I placed a wing around her. “What’s your name little one?” I asked softly.

“H-Hurricane,” she stuttered.

I started, but hid it well. “What happened?”

“M-my family was attacked by gryphons,” she said. Her little face screwed up once more.

I did my best to keep my temper. “Do you know what they were after?” She nodded.

“T-They like to make slaves of us. M-mom called for help and shoved me off the cloud.” Hurricane then looked up at me with teary eyes. “Please save them! I’ll give you anything, just save them!”

I hugged her. “Don’t you worry none; saving you and your family is payment enough.” I lifted her up and placed her between my wings. “Hold on little one; I know a place nearby that should take you in.” She wrapped her little hooves around my neck.

After making sure she was secure, I flew off in the direction of where I sensed the Temple was. After finding it, I left little Hurricane in charge of the priests.

I then went on a gryphon hunt.

It took me two days to find them; by this time, my anger was almost unbearable.





I looked in at the camp of gryphons as they loaded cages with their most recent catch; a family of unicorns.

The largest- a burly tiercel -was forcing a set of suppressor shoes onto the unicorn foal.

My eyes narrowed. “Not on my watch,” I muttered.

Focusing my magic, I cast a Brittle Metal spell.

The unicorn male suddenly realized that his magic was free. He wasted no time in lighting the burly gryphon on fire.

The rest of the gryphons dropped their now-useless weapons on the ground as they were surrounded by the ponies. I watched as the unicorns used their magic to pluck and then burn their wings.

Once I was certain that the gryphons no longer posed a threat, I made my way into the center of the camp.





Three days later, I- laden with a pair of saddlebags full of my share of the gryphon’s gold -escorted Hurricane’s family back to the Temple.

Little Hurricane galloped up to me and glomped me. I hugged the little foal, realizing that I had made a friend.

I decided then and there that that was the best payment I could have received.





How long was I there?

Two decades.

I didn’t leave until the pegasi settlement would later become the first pegasi city. By that time, little Hurricane had already married and had foals of her own on the way.

*shakes his head*

Wrong Hurricane. The one that I was friends with had no problems with the other tribes. All that shit that went on around the First Hearth’s Warming was Nyx’s doing.

That’s another tale though.

I realize that if I hadn’t saved little Hurricane, then her great-great granddaughter wouldn’t have gone on to lead the pegasi.

If you ever go to Cloudsdale, you’ll see a statue of me alongside one of Epona. The pegasi at least know that I’m no god.

Can’t say the same about the other tribes…





This next story is one that’s often hard for humans to swallow.

Not bronies; that’s a secret fantasy for a lot of them. Never was mine.

Anyway, there have been times when I’d end up spending an extended time in Equestria. Around three months after I first moved into my mansion, I found myself in a glade with no memory of how I got there.

All I can recall is that I fell asleep on the patio.

I looked around me; lying right next to me was a white unicorn mare with a ring on her horn. The mare opened her eyes and looked at me.
“Oh!” she exclaimed softly. “I wasn’t sure you’d come, Keeper!”

I looked her over. My sense that this one was pretty was reinforced. She was every bit as lovely as Rarity- my favorite of the Mane Six -and held herself with poise.

She moved closer to me. “Ah, what exactly did you need from me?”

She blushed. “Well, my name is Platinum Belle, and I need something that I don’t know if you’d be willing to give.”

“Oh? What is that, I might ask?” I asked her. She just blushed even further.

“A foal,” she squeaked out in a tiny voice.

I blinked, then started to blush heavily. This was turning out to be awkward as all hell.

Platinum turned her head. “Oh, I guess that’s not something I should ask for; I’m sorry I wasted your time Keeper.”

I turned my head in order to get control of my blushing. “Oh, not at all! It’s just a bit unexpected is all!” I moved closer to her. “You’re quite attractive.” She blushed at that.

We stared into each other’s eyes before moving on to kiss.

Things went as expected from there.

After that, Platinum led me back to the unicorn city.

What followed was a lot of arguing and posturing by her father; he’d chosen a different mate for her.

At least that stallion had enough balls to realize he was no challenge to me.

Confirmation that Platinum was with foal halted any arguments. We were wedded several days later.

And that is how I became the husband of Queen Platinum the First; we went on to rule unicorn 
kingdom for many years. I didn’t leave that time until after Platinum’s death.

*sighs in loss*

I still miss her, as well as our daughters.




> What Can I Say? They Were Cute As Foals
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, hello again.

Wasn’t sure you’d show up today or not.

Cookie?

Well, what story do you wish to hear now?

Huh; should have expected that.

Which one do you wish to know?

Well, I’ve helped several over the years, so you’ll have to specify.

Ah, those princesses.

Which one?

All of them?

That’s going to take awhile.





The thing is, I first met both Celestia and Luna when they were foals. I also met their mothers and father.

*chuckles*

Well, that’s one of the things that so many get wrong; Celestia and Luna have the same dad, but different mothers.

I’d tell you more, but that will spoil the story.

Anyway, one morning- about a year after I first moved here -I woke up as a pony.

Really, I was used to it by this point; especially as I had gone to sleep as one.

This time, I could feel that there was something really bad on the way, so I made my way to my armory. Once there, I grabbed one of my cored swords and a crystal staff, as well as a prepared set of saddlebags.

How did I know that I would need a weapon? I just did; same as I always know what may be needed in any given situation.

I then flew to the back patio and right through the open portal.

Once on the other side, I found myself in the grove just outside the temple. Two mares I recognized were being guarded by several stallions, led by a horse with eight hooves.

I blinked, but the number didn’t change.

I was starting at Sleipnir Odinsteed in the flesh.

My attention was quickly grabbed by the fact that we were surrounded by a band of unicorns, minotaur, and centaur.

I pulled my sword from its sheath and prepared a fireball spell.

Things from there got bloody.





After a very tense- and bloody -hours worth of work, I stood at the entrance of the grove holding a level one barrier up.

Sleipnir trotted up next to me. “Well, I must thank you Keeper; you made guarding my mates and their foals that much simpler.”

I looked at the god. “How are they?” I asked. I was understandably worried for both Clover and Pansy, as they were both friends.

Sleipnir smiled and motioned with his hoof. “Come and see. Oh, don’t worry; the Valkyrie have arrived, so King Blueblood won’t be sending any more hired thugs.” I followed the horse into the temple, after making sure that the barrier would hold.

Hey, I was a Boy Scout you know; it always pays to be prepared.

Once inside the temple’s foyer, my eyes misted over as I saw both Pansy and Clover holding small bundles with both horns and wings.

Clover’s foal was a pinkish white with a pink mane and cerise eyes. She looked at me with deep interest. Pansy’s, on the other hoof, was a deep blue with teal eyes. She was busy batting at a strand of Pansy’s mane.

Odin’s mount touched my shoulder. “Can I impose on you once more? The Valkyrie aren’t enough for my piece of mind, I would be forever grateful if you would watch over them while I take care of a King that doesn’t know his place.” I shrugged and nodded.

Sleipnir’s front hooves glowed gold. Golden light flowed around my hooves, chest, and back, solidifying into a set of light yet strong plate armor. “Brokkr and his brother forged this set for me; consider it my payment.” He then galloped off, soon taking flight.

I sat down on my haunches and lowered my head to nuzzle Clover’s foal. She giggled and latched onto my snout. I looked at Clover. “What are you going to name her?” I asked.

“She is Celeste; Pansy’s is Lun. I am Sleipnir's Mate by Day, whereas Pansy’s is by Night.” I nodded, already well aware of who the two really were.

I looked up at the setting Sun. “I can say that these two have a special destiny.” I pulled out a small tome and four amulets out of my saddlebags. “The glyphs in this tome will help you to prepare a place of safety for yourselves when the Time of Chaos arrives.” I handed two of the amulets and the tome to Clover. The other two I gave to Pansy.

“What will you need for your aid, Keeper?” I shook my head.

“Celeste and Lun’s survival is reward enough.” I looked forward at the clop of staccato hooves. “Any luck?” I asked Sleipnir as he joined us. The Aesir nodded.

“Princess Platinum wasn’t at all pleased to find out that her father and his council had ordered my capture and the death of her friends and allies. They are all statuary; Platinum passed judgement.

I shrugged. “I’ve had the misfortune to meet the King of the Unicorns. Not much of a loss.” I spread my wings. “Well, I must be off; there are four others I need to give aid to before I return home. Take care of those little ones; the Twisted One of Chaos will soon arrive.” I then flew off towards Pegasopolis.

That was the first time I saw Celestia and Luna, though as you’d expect, neither remembers it. They still have the amulets though, which protect against Chaos magic. They wore them right up to finding the Tree.





The next time I saw either of them was a couple of weeks later. I had spent much of the day in my garden in my alicorn form, tending my silver apple tree. 

I looked up at the clop of hooves, and saw a young alicorn mare approaching me. I knew who this was immediately. Though smaller than she would be later, this was Celestia, the Alicorn of the Sun.

The mare bowed, then sat in front of me. I could tell that she was quite sad, though doing her level best to hide it.

I picked one of my Silver Apples and gave it to her. She nodded in thanks. “Well, Princess Celeste, what brings you to my humble home?” I asked the alicorn. She frowned prettily.

“Since I took over rule of Equestria with my sister five centuries ago, I now go by Celestia.” She sighed; I could hear the painful hitch. “I come for aid Keeper. Advice it you can give it, and a way for us to communicate far more easily.”

I nodded, and led the way to my study. “I don’t know as advice would be a good thing or not. Despite my appearance, I’m not all that old.” Celestia shook her head, smiling.

“My mother always told me that years are never an indication of wisdom. She also told me that ‘the Keeper is wise beyond his ken; you would do well to heed all that he tells you.” I blushed.

“Well, she was always a good friend.” We stopped next to a pair of mirrors that I had recently crafted. “Well, I have here just the thing; these will allow us to communicate across the Voids that separate our worlds, both in Time and in Space.” I scratched my head. “Trouble is, neither of them have been enchanted yet.”

Celestia blinked. “My payment was a book of scrying and communication spells penned by Luna,” she said. She pulled it out and opened it to the relative page.

The next few minutes were spent in enchanting both mirrors, then sending hers back to her home so that it wouldn’t break. Once this was done, the pair of us had cake and ice cream. “I must beg of you as to how this wondrous confection is made; it goes good with cake.”

I chuckled. “No need for that; one of your young inventors already begged for a ‘new dessert to wow the Princess.” She chuckled with me.

Her muzzle turned downward as she set down her spoon. “My second need is more painful. I-I’ve lost my sister to Dark Magic addiction and the wiles of our enemies in the Noble Court. These next thousand years will be hard.” She looked at me, eyes hard. “What good counsel I’ve received tells me that I should not punish all of the nobles for their role in Luna’s banishment, but I see that she was right. They’re a worthless, needless part of government.” I shook my head.

“If you get rid of the nobles completely, you’ll have to go with elected officials; that’s little better.” I thought for a few minutes before remembering something Hurricane once told me. “Instead of getting rid of the nobles, why not make it so that they must earn their seat completely through merit. Say, serving on the front lines, or in the public sectors. At the same time, place those you can truly trust in key positions.”

Celestia blinked. “That seems a most balanced system. Is that what your world does?” I laughed at that.

“Hardly; we here run the gamut from dictatorships to republics with elected officials.” I made a face. “Even though I’m a patriotic American, I sometimes wish we still had a King; there doesn’t seem to be as many problems in England as there is in the U.S.”

Celestia chuckled. “Oh, Kings are often more good than bad.” She sobered up. “It must be hard for the ponies of your lands then.” Celestia blinked as I started chuckling. “What? Have I crumbs on my muzzle?” I shook my head.

“Celestia, appearances aside, my world is not made up of ponies.” I lifted a picture of my twin nieces off my desk. “These are what they- and I -look like.”

Celestia stared at the picture. “Humans! Your world is a Human world!” I nodded, grinning.

“Yes it is. You don’t seem all that surprised that we exist.” Celestia shrugged.

“Star Swirl took both myself and Luna on trips to alternate realities when we were first learning magic.” She shuddered. “The one with the Smooze was the hardest to deal with. Seeing myself as a Smooze gave me nightmares for a month.”

I cringed. “Yeah, I imagine that would be hard to take in.

The two of us sat and talked through the night. I didn’t learn how much she took away from that conversation. She left just before dawn; she had to lower the Moon and raise the Sun.

I did my best to get some sleep, wondering how my next visit with Luna would go. I was looking forward to it.

No offense, but Luna Is Best Pony.





> At Least It Wasn't Aid For Tax Issues!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, you’re still here huh? Thought you might have left while I was busy in the village.

So, where were we? Princesses, right?

Let’s see here; we’ve covered where I first met them, and the first time I helped Celestia. That leaves Luna, Cadance, Twilight, Twilight again, and Sunset Shimmer.

*snickers*

That look on your face; Priceless!

But it’s not a joke; there are actually two alicorn Twilights. Granted, the one only has her wings when she visits Sunset in Equus, but she’s still an alicorn.

How did she and Sunset ascend? Well, you’ve seen the movies, right? Well, there ya go.

Specifics? Aw, you’re no fun!

Alright already!

*sigh*

Sunset’s transformation into Daylight Shimmer was an ascension. When she crossed over to Equestria, her reunion with Celestia actually took place in the Astral Plane.

As for Sci-Twi, her’s is both because of what happened at Camp Everfree, and because she’s Twilight’s alternate.

So what Sunset saw in the Mirror was true; she was destined to be an alicorn.

Anyway, let’s get back to Luna.





Of all the alicorn princesses I’ve helped, the one I’ve helped the most would have to be Luna. She’s the one that has had the hardest adjustment; plus, some of the tasks appointed to her by Equestria’s government were ones that she was woefully unprepared for.

The first time she and I met was shortly after that first Nightmare Night. I’d spent that day waiting for whatever it was I was supposed to do; I’d once again woke up as an alicorn.

While tending to my garden, I heard a series of clopping hooves on the cobblestones behind me. Turning around, I saw a midnight-blue alicorn mare standing there, looking both bashful and vulnerable.

“H-Hello, Keeper,” she said softly. “M-Mine sister tells Us-- er, tells me, that is --that you can provide help in exchange for payment.” I nodded, causing her to smile shyly.

“Well, it is like this; the Equestrian Council- Damn them to Tartarus -hast given me a sundry list of tasks on top of mine duties. This is in addition to what I need to do in order to better acclimate myself to these modern times.” She scowled. “While I most certainly have no need to bow to them, it would be political suicide to refuse.”

I made a face. “You’re not suggesting that you want help with taxes or some such nonsense, are you? I’ve just had to deal with all of that myself, and would rather not have to do more.” She made a face at that.

“Neigh, that is my sister’s concern at the moment, for which I am glad.” Luna sat down and pulled a scroll and several small books from her saddlebags. “No, what I need is advice on whether what I have here is right or not.” She levitated the scroll over to me.

I took it in my own field and unrolled it. Frowning, I could see that it was a royal proclamation concerning Night Court. I looked at Luna with a raised brow. “Where did you get the idea that I could provide any help with something like this?” She scoffed.

“Oh please; it’s well known that you were skilled in such matters, King Able Hooves,” she said in a teasing manner. I blushed.

“W-well, that was a long time ago, but I can still do my best.” She smiled prettily at me, then opened the first of her books.

For the next couple of hours, I used both my knowledge of Equestria’s current nobles and my experience as a ruler to help Luna choose members for her court. Most of those were easy to settle; however, the position of Court Secretary was troublesome.

“None of the ones listed in these books are at all suitable! And I cannot wait for any graduates; mine Court must be formed before the Winter Equinox!” Luna stomped her hoof. “Stuck on the same point!”


While she pouted, I went over my mental list of those young nobles that could fill in until a more suitable pony was available. One stuck out; I started to grin, as I was pretty sure Luna wouldn’t agree with me. “Well, you could always go with the Undersecretary of Foreign Affairs; his job is relatively undemanding, and I’m sure he’d be more than happy to help a relative.”

Luna looked confused for a moment, then started to scowl. “What, your not suggesting that pompous ass of a nephew, Prince Blueblood, are you?! Mine sister gave the same suggestion! Hel will freeze over before I work with him in any kind of professional capacity!” She stomped her hoof. “The way that he treated the Bearer of Generosity this past Gala was atrocious; that is no way for an heir to the Platinum line to act!”

“Which is precisely the reason why he acts that way Princess! That is what it is, an act; designed to foil the machinations of society leeches like Rarity, who only care about image!” I raised my hoof. “Yes I know; there’s more to her than that, but you can’t deny that she focuses way too much on superficial things. Even she admits it; reluctantly, when pressed.” I teleported a scroll from my bedchambers. “This scroll contains listings of major revisions to many of Equestria’s more sordid laws; many of which were changed or made better due to Bluey’s efforts. He is the best- not one of, but the best -administrator par excellence in the last century. Plus, his topographical-charting talents were instrumental in stopping a border dispute that could have brought war to Equestria’s borders.”

Luna ran a hoof down her muzzle in frustration. “I know all of this, Able Hooves! However, the way he treated one that I have come to know as a good friend is reprehensible! To even be cordial with him, he needs to tender an apology to Dame Rarity; elsewise, I will have nothing to do with him, nephew or not.”

“He already tried Luna; three times! Two written ones, and one where she slammed the door of her Boutique in his muzzle!” I glared at the Moon Princess. “I consider Rarity to be one of my best pony friends-- she’s always been a favorite of mine. That makes it all the more easier to see that she’s being inordinately stubborn in this instance, especially since Bluey is being the bigger pony here in trying to admit he acted the boor!” I stomped my hoof. ‘Besides, if I allowed personal dislike to get in the way of business, I’d never get anything done; at least three of the managers I work with on a weekly basis are people I heartily despise. I still work with them because they happen to be good at their jobs.”

Luna frowned thoughtfully. “As much as I hate it, you’re right; there are a number of other nobles that have done worse that I work with.” She sighed. “It’s just; the way he treated her was the same way that a pompous ass of a noble treated all but my sister ages ago. He was one of those that pushed me further down the path that mine addiction to Dark magic started me on.” She sighed. “I can also see where you say that Rarity was at fault as well.”

I shrugged. “It’s often hard for us to see the faults in those we admire.” Luna nodded.

Luna gathered all of her things before finishing up her cup of tea. “Well, I think that I will go with your recommendation, Keeper.” She levitated a crystalline bulb from within her saddlebags. “Here is mine payment; a Crystal Moonrose bulb from mine own Garden.” She floated it off to me and trotted off with a saucy swish of her tail.

After setting it aside, I went to take a cold shower; both her and her sister are horrible flirts.

> Perplexed Purple Pony Princess Has A Perplexing Puzzle
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, hello again! Back for more?

So, who have we covered so far?

Celestia and Luna, right.

So, that leaves Cadance, Twilight, Twilight again, and Sunset Shimmer.

*sigh*

As much as I’d like to say otherwise, the only aid I’ve given the Princess of Love has been advice. Well, unless you count how Sombra was dealt with.

Considering that that was my house and not me, I’m not sure that really qualifies or not…

Anyway, that leaves Twilight one and two, as well as Sunny.

*snicker*

You’ll really love how I helped Twilight…

Then again, considering bronies’ opinions on this particular issue, you might be in that group that hated this part…

*grins*

Oh, you’ll see..





I had been spending my day working on enchanting some crystals; I had a feeling that that they would be needed soon. I was naturally taking advantage of the fact that I had once more started my day as ‘His Royal Highness Able Hooves, Alicorn of Aid.’

Why the title? Because your pony readers persist on calling me a god, no matter how many times I say otherwise…

*clears throat*

Anyway, as I shamefully abused my alicorn nature to enchant gems, I waited oh so patiently for whomever needed my aid.

I was working up to a scrying spell on a pure sapphire when I heard the clop of hooves behind me. I turned to see that it was none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle herself.

She bowed as I turned, blushing slightly. “Well, if it isn’t Purple Smart in the flesh!” I said teasingly. She rolled her eyes at that.

“You and Rainbow just love calling me that; I don’t know whether to take it as an insult or a compliment,” she snarked back. I shook my head, chuckling.

“Well, since you’re here instead of using Celly’s mirror, then you must be why I’m like this,” I said, wiggling my wings for emphasis. Twilight nodded.

“There’s a problem going on at the Palace of Friendship. The Cutie Map has gone dark for some reason. Celestia and Luna aren’t any more sure why than I am, so they think you might be able to help.”





I know what you’re thinking.

Believe me, I agree; when I first found out that the Cutie Map was real, I about lost it.

I mean, seriously; what kind of magical tree creates what amounts to a ‘Friendship Trouble Alert’ artifact?! It’s like a bad knock off of the ‘Challenge of the Super-Friends.’

Then again, when we finally figured out what was wrong, it made for utter and complete sense.

Also, utter and complete stupidity, but that’s another tale.





I sat staring at Twilight. She started looking concerned, but frowned when I abruptly facehoofed.

“So, lemme get this straight; you, Celly, and obviously this house of mine, think I should help you and your friends fix your ‘Friendship Trouble Alert!’, because it’s gone dark?! I’d at least think that Celestia of all ponies would be relieved at that; she’s never liked the thing!”

Twilight scowled. “No, nor has Luna, Spike, or Applejack. And now i can add you on the list of ponies and dragons that doesn’t like a priceless magical artifact that has only benefited us.” She stomped her hoof in frustration. “I’d have thought that the creator of the Alicorn Amulet would appreciate all the good that has come as a result, and would be willing to help. But I guess not.”

As she turned to leave, I trotted to get in front of her. “Listen here Purple Smart! I didn’t even imply that I wouldn’t help. I have never refused help to anypony since all of this started; the only reason I ask for something in return for my services is because that’s part of it.” I stared into her eyes, causing her to flinch. “I was just commenting on the absurdity of fixing something that your own mentor doesn’t like or trust.

Twilight sighed. “I get that, but she really hasn’t had much choice.” She ran a hoof through her mane. “It’s just, I don’t even know where to begin! Because of obvious reasons, there’s never been much research in the Tree itself.”

I frowned. “Now that’s not right. It was studied extensively several times that I know of personally. Either those were all lost, or some kind of action was taken to suppress the information.”

Turning to my work-table, I grabbed the as-yet unenchanted sapphire and the scrying spell, placing both in a saddlebag that I then placed on my back. I then smiled sardonically. “It looks like I’m more directly involved in this than I thought. Shall we?” Twilight nodded. Together, we made our way to where the portal was.





Once on the other side, I found that we were at the main entrance that led to Throne Room in Twilight’s chambers. Twilight blinked. “Huh? The terminus should be my bathroom door; that’s where I was when I asked Epona to send aid.”

I smirked. “I get that, but I wanted to come out here instead; the locator spell will work much better here.”

I trotted over to the map. I shook my head at the irony of ‘fixing’ it, then took out the items I needed to fix it.

I only needed to reference the scroll to find the glyph for knowledge. Once I was certain, I charged the sapphire, and activated the spell matrix. The sapphire glowed brightly, then flashed forward, colliding with Twilight’s throne.

There was a flash of incandescent light, momentarily blinding both myself and Twilight. When the spots cleared from my eyes, I blinked again before abruptly facehoofing.

There, sprawled amongst roughly three dozen scrolls and tomes were six very familiar ponies. As Clover started to stagger to her hooves, I had this to say:

“Well, Star Swirl always did say you were more reckless than he ever was. Quite a bit more clever as well.”





Not quite as expected, no? Well, not for Twilight at least. I always expected something like this, as my own examination- done off-world -bore out the fact that the Tree of Harmony was an artifact.

It all goes back to when Discord first appeared in Equestria. His changes were so brutal that it took everything Clover had just to preserve a small community in the center of the Everfree Forest. She soon found out that the casting of the Fire of Friendship is what summoned him. So, they needed a counter; a way for Celesti and Lune- Celestia and Luna -to tie themselves the Six Aspects of Harmony. This required a sacrifice.

The casting of the Ritual involved many years, and is far too involved to give details. All you need to know is that it ultimately led to the Six Founders becoming the Tree. After a fashion anyway. Once Twilight named herself ‘Princess of Friendship’, the roles of the Avatars had switched from the founders to the Mane Six. All the Cutie Map was was a rite of Passage; a way for each Avatar to prove her worth.

Why did the research disappear?

*grumbles*

You can thank Discord, Prismia, Chrysalis, and Tirek for that. Every single conflict with them was perpetuated by their spies removing key books and placing them in a sealed vault on Lune’s far surface. They’re not there anymore, of course; my payment was Luna’s permission to go  there and personally remove the spells that both sealed them there, and brought any others to that place.

Anyway, things are going well for the two sets of Avatars. The Founders are settling in well; all six of them got a handle on speaking without the use of Ye Olde Butchered Equish; Pansy was the first, being a polyglot.

*starts to snicker*

The thing I think is the most amusing is that Twilight finally found somepony she could relate to. She and Smart Cookie hit it off so well that they’re now an item. They're currently making waves, as Smart Cookie is living up to his title by streamlining Equestria's government with Twilight a willing assistant. They’re the only ones though, as Sleipnir regularly visits his wives. Chancellor Level Head has already had a family, and Platinum and Hurricane are already married. To each other. 

That, I will say, I expected, as I was there for the wedding. It’s why she surrendered her crown; she was forced out of the unicorn tribe for both marrying a ‘hated pigeon’ and marrying a mare.

The map is still there; Twilight was able to fix it with the research I provided. Now though, she has enhanced it; it now gives more details than just using flashing Cutie Marks.

Oh, in case you're wondering; why did all the girls play the founders when two were stallions? A combination of personality and tradition. Early plays never used stallions even though they were often directors of them. For reasons that should be rather obvious. It's one of the many rather stupid traditions that still remain; like magic not being allowed in Winter Wrap-Up.

Of course, that one is really only in Ponyville, and specifically states no unicorn magic. Which wasn't told to Twilight, as she would have rightfully pointed out that that is illegal.

It's also only been in effect since the current mayor has been in office, as she pushed for it. The only reason she's still there is because nopony else wants the position. Mayor Mare isn't really in charge anyway.

Well, that’s all for that story. I’ll tell you about Twilight #2 after I get some lunch.



> Those Damn Overgrown Pigeons!!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, there you are!

Sorry about that; one thing led into another, and I just couldn’t get away.

Running a business can be a real drag sometimes.

So, where were we?

Ah, that’s right; the Pretty Pony Princesses.

*furrows brow in thought*

So, we’ve only got two left…

Should I just skip Twi, or…

*looks up and cringes mockingly at the interviewer’s expression*

On second thought, maybe I should tell you the tale.





Before we begin, I need to know something.

How much of the movies have you actually seen?

All of them?

Good.

*clears throat*

With some minor- and one major -details, those are almost accurate down to the letter.

Couple of things are wrong though.

Like the skin tone; forget the multicolor tones. Outside of hair color, their skin is the same shade that we Earth humans have.

The major detail?

Time.

*scratches his head*

Well, that’s only partially wrong. The Equestrian side of the portal is only open for three days. However, that translates to a full lunar cycle on the CHS side.

In short, that translates to something between three weeks; more accurately, anywhere between twenty-one and twenty-eight days.

That’s right; a month.

What this means is that Twilight was actually there for a far longer time leading up to the Fall Formal.

Plus, she wouldn’t have been able to get said crown if a certain Vice Principal hadn’t fudged some details.

Just thought I’d point this all out, as it has particular bearing on this tale.

Now, you’re probably wondering; how in the hell did I end up helping an alternate version of one of Equestria’s princesses?

More to the point; why did she need it?

Well, to put it bluntly, I had to help her because I was the only one that could.

Like all of my other stories, this one had no bearing on what you may already know; you can thank my efforts for that.

Because if I had not, it’s likely the show would have been cancelled due to Equestria going to war with the gryphons.





Sometime after I helped Twilight with the Cutie Map, I was once again summoned to Equestria. I’d spent the day using my alicorn magic to clean house; it’s a chore I have a tendency to put off too much, at least in some areas anyway.

When I arrived, I found myself in Twilight’s quarters; there, I met a pair of very frantic alicorns. Sunset Shimmer was pacing, muttering dire threats. Twilight was in a state of panic, her mane frayed.

The purple-coated pony looked up at me as I entered. “Oh, Able Hooves, you’re here! We’ve got a big problem, a really, really big problem!” She started hyperventilating.

I took her withers in my hooves. “Calm down Twilight. Panic isn’t going to help anypony.” She visibly calmed herself using the technique Cadance had taught her. “Now, whats happened?”

“I’ll tell you what’s happened! Those overgrown harpies have taken my friend, and are demanding concessions for her return! The stupid winged cats think that they’ve got Twilight. Well, they have her alright; just the wrong one!” Sunset’s mane started to fray. “I can’t do anything to help without starting a ‘national incident’!” She broke down in tears. “I just want to save my friend!”

Both mares looked up as an angry snort came from my nostrils. “So that useless, feathered popinjay wasn’t willing to take the warning I gave? I even bent my rule to never help anypony other than ponies and Earth Dragons. That’s the last time!”

My eyes glowed a bright white. A spell bubble appeared, surrounding the three of us; with a flash, we were teleported to Gryphonia.





So, you’re probably wondering what I meant by that.

The thing is, I’ve never been limited to just ponies and their cousins. I’ve been summoned by just about anyone from Equus, and from all races.

However, I’ve seldom been willing- or able -to help the other races. Most of it is because they seem to think that they can refuse or renege on payment.

That is not my rule; that is how the magic works. Things usually go bad if you refuse.

Like getting turned into a mouse, for example. Thorn’s just lucky that the Bloodstone Scepter is able to neutralize chaotic magic like that.

The other reason is because I’ve often found myself on the receiving end of violence in defending ponies from the other races. The only ones that don’t go out of their way to do that are dragons; there’s even one or two dragon clans that I’ve helped.

Like Spike’s clan.

The only time I’ve ever gone back on that rule is when refusing would affect a race as a whole. And while I have had issue with the way gryphons are towards ponies in general, I have helped them out on a number of occasions.

By the way, when I say gryphon, there’s actually several different varieties. Those of Griffonstone are griffons; being so closely allied with- and even having some hippogriff ancestry, something that doesn’t come out in the show -makes them only slightly larger than ponies with few variants.

Gryphons, on the other hand, aren’t as uniform. Their soldiers are often as large as an Emperor Eagle mixed with a Sabertooth Tiger. For the ruling caste, you often find falcons mixed with the larger cats.

What sets them apart from other races is the fact that the royal clans are- by choice -carnivorous. There’s no biological need for it really, as they do grow and eat grains and such.

Anyway, that’s all incidental knowledge. All you really need to know is that I was forced to help them due to their actions. I only did so because it would have meant the death of the entire race; most of which are just trying to get by.

How did I help?

If you want that, then I should move on, as I told both Twilights and Sunset shortly after we returned.

Needless to say, Twilight wasn’t happy with me.

Come to think of it, she wasn’t happy with Celestia or Luna either, as they both agreed with my actions. In point of fact, Celestia told her that hers would have been worse; she’d have put almost an entire race to the sword.

She can be very brutal when her ponies are threatened.





A group of tiercel bodyguards greeted us just after I teleported in. Before they were able to do anything, I activated spells I had laid long ago in preparation for this moment.

A distraught alicorn with a darker-colored coat looked up and made to move. Three of the tiercels made to accost her; before they were able to, two were scorched raw while the third was frozen.

I’m not subtle when angry, and I hate those that threaten the innocent.

More troops flew in, escorting the Emperor. He was followed by a Priest of Eris.

My eyes flashed red; a bolt of purple-and-green laced mana turned the Priest to ash. Before anything else was done, I cast a powerful charm that froze all that were against us.

I stalked over to the scowling royal. “ I warned your ancestors!” With an effort, I controlled my anger, though my voice still resonated. “I warned them that there would be consequences if they took any action that either involved my hated enemy, or was a threat to peace! So what I promised will happen as it should have! Your people will be truly preserved by the loss of those who think they rule!”

With that, a flare of scintillating Chaos magic flowed through the entirety of the Empire; when it was done, all of the gryphons- save for the servant griffs -present were now stone.

With a snort, I teleported myself and the mares back to Equestria.





When we returned, a very angry purple alicorn glared at me. “That is not what was needed! Orchestrating a rescue is what I was expecting, but not something like this! Now there’s going to be war; something we were trying to avoid!”

I shrugged. “It was inevitable; they didn’t heed my warning. At least now the house will leave me alone about my payment from the gryphons.”

Sunset looked at me curiously as Twilight stalked off. “You say payment? So you’ve helped them then?” I nodded.

“About three centuries ago, a virulent plague that causes cancerous tumors in the thaumic glands was spreading through the griff races. I was called to find a cure by the griffons at first.” I walked over to a nearby pile of cushions and plopped down on them. “When that happened, I was accosted by the then-Emperor; he threatened war with Equestria if I didn’t help cure what his Priest-Doctors had created as a weapon. My payment was punishment of those guilty; I was stopped by his daughter.” I scowled. “You saw that promise being carried out.”

“It doesn’t matter! You knew something like this would mean war!” Twilight stomped over to me. She glared at my smirk. “And you’re happy about it!”

“Hey, if the gryphons can’t seem to settle their differences without killing each other, what’s it to me?” My smirk grew at Twilight’s stunned look. “Oh, did you think it would mean war with Equestria? Not likely; you can’t make war with what you don’t have.” I gestured in the direction of the distant Gryphonian Empire. “The five largest gryphon clans are now without their leaders; they’re all statuary. Marble, as preferred. And their Priesthood- those that worship the Dark Pantheon -are all ash in the wind.” I crossed my hooves. “Besides, it wouldn’t have gone that far anyway; you have Queen Peregrine and her hippogriffs protecting the passes. I cast spells a long time ago that roast any chicken that tries to invade outside those paths.” I sighed fondly. “Should be good to see Perry again; it’s been awhile.”

“Perry? You have a nickname for this Queen?” The other Twilight asked curiously. I nodded.

“Yep. She’s probably wondering when I’m gonna visit her again anyway; it’s been awhile since I’ve seen my great-great grand-cubs.” I smirked at the shocked expressions on the mare’s muzzles. “Hey, what can I say? There was need, and besides, Poly was one hot griffin.” My smirk turned into a scowl. “Her father, though, was a piece of work; the only one I hate more than him is Eris herself.”

I got up and trotted over to Twilight. “Twi, listen; it was a good thing that you called me. Anything else would have meant Sci-Twi’s death.” Sunset and the other Twilight rolled their eyes at the nickname. “I’ve done more to preserve this country than you or anypony else will ever know. Even in anger, I won’t do anything that will bring war; nor will I ever let you all face things you cannot fight.” She sighed in exasperation.

“I get that, but you should have said something!” I shook my head.

“There wasn’t time, and you never asked prior to all of this.” Twilight facehoofed at that, causing the rest of us to giggle.

I spent the next couple of hours explaining- in detail -what I had done in the past before leaving for home.





So, there you have it.

Questions?

Oh, that.

*gazes at interviewer with lidded eyes*

Where do you think the first hippogriffs came from anyway? Not like the xenophobic Equestrian ponies of the time would have done it.

Besides, as I said, Poly was cute, sweet, and a lot of fun.




> Sunset's Tallyroot Dilemma
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





Oh, hi there! Back for more stories?

Okay then.

So, which one did we leave off on?

Ah, that’s right; Sunset Shimmer.

*scratches head, then sighs*

This one’s kinda hard for me, as it’s one of the few times I’ve ever been angry enough to actually kill a pony.

But the way it was eventually solved was hilarious.





I’m sure that you know this, but my aid isn’t limited to just helping ponies. I have, on occasion, helped those in both alternate universes. Yes, even the one where Sombra is a good guy.

Hey, if they know to ask, then I help. I’ve seldom ever blocked a call.

This time was a bit, well, odd. I had known that there was a call all that day, but for a change, I wasn’t sure who it was. It felt like two at once, which was unusual. Plus, I knew that it wasn’t going to start in Equestria proper.

My musing was cut short by frantic pounding. I frowned, as it was coming from the direction of the back patio. I quickly made my way over to the door; on the other side was a very frantic  purple-haired teen. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know who else to ask, and the phone book had this listed as your address.” Sure enough, the door on the other side led to the office I had in Canterlot on the other side of the mirror.

“Calm down and breathe Twi’,” I said to her. She didn’t roll her eyes, which was her usual response.

“There’s no time for that! Sunset’s in the hospital.”

Now more concerned, I grabbed the emergency bag sitting next to the door and followed the teen to the waiting car.





The waiting room contained a very tense pair of women. After the contrempts that was Anon-A-Miss- yes, that God-awful comic did happen, minus Sunset’s friends abandoning her (Fluttershy stuck up for her girlfriend, and Rainbow Dash wasn’t about to abandon Shy again) -the Celestia of the mirror world used her family’s connections to fast track her adoption of the red-haired teen.

Totally unrelated point: Celestia and Luna are both princesses, just like in Equestria. Their elder brother Discord is slated to take over from their mother, but as I said, totally unrelated.

Celestia looked up as Twi and I got close. “How bad is it?” I asked her.

Her eyes were heavy with worry as she responded. “Her fever just broke, but she’s still not responding properly.” She then frowned. “I’ve had to bend the arms of hospital administration to prevent them doping her with Clonidine. I don’t care that the blood screens came back positive for opioids. Sunset doesn’t do drugs.”

I grew concerned. “Can I see her? I can’t help without knowing more about her condition.” Celestia nodded as she led the way to Intensive Care.

A pink-haired teen looked up as we entered Sunset’s room. “Oh, thank Harmony,” Shy said softly, her beautiful eyes filled with hope. I smiled as I saw that she had been holding the hand closest to her; her and Sunset’s relationship had done wonders in bringing Shy out of her shell.

I approached the other side of Sunset’s bed. Sitting my bag down, I pulled out a needle- bone -a ball of cotton, and a small stoppered vial of clear liquid. Taking the hand that Fluttershy wasn’t holding, I pricked Sunset’s middle finger. Holding the vial of liquid to the wound, I let a drop of her blood mix with the contents. I then re-stoppered the liquid.

Shy took the cotton from me and placed it where I had pricked Sunset. While she did that, I shook the vial to mix it. “Please be green,” I muttered to myself as I waited for the color change. I nodded less than five seconds later as the liquid started turning green. “At least this is something I can treat. Sunny’s not gonna be happy though.”

“What is it?” Twilight asked, quite interested in what I was doing.

“Green is for opioids, but not anything you might be familiar with. Sunset has- probably within the last six months -ate food laced with tallyroot.” Going back to my bag, I pulled out a syringe filled with golden liquid. I plunged this into Sunset’s I.V. tube. “This should detox her.”

My words were proven correct, as Sunset lost the pallor she had. Very soon, she was opening her eyes. She made to speak; Fluttershy offered her a sip from the insulated pitcher next to her bed. Sunset then tried again. “W-What happened? Why am I in the hospital?” She turned to her girlfriend. “I didn’t think I was this sick.”

Sunset finally noticed that I was standing next to Twilight. I looked at her very seriously. “When you took your finals to graduate from your mentor’s school, did you eat anything with what looked like poppy seeds?”

Sunset frowned in thought, then nodded. “I get a poppy bun whenever I ask the school chefs for a hayburger. Why?”

I held up the green vial. Sunset’s pupils dilated in shock. “H-How much?” she stuttered.

“A better question would be ‘how long’, followed by ‘who’, “ I said in response. “This helps to explain the actions that led you here.”

I looked at the others gathered around Sunset. “Tallyroot is a magical plant. Eating it isn’t enough to trigger its effects; use of magic is required.” I sat on the foot of her bed as I continued. “Sunny here is a pyromancer, which is something that she would have demonstrated during her finals-- both times.”

Twilight frowned in thought. “That explains what Twinkleshine and the others told me. Her aggression didn’t start until she started taking her finals the first time.”

I nodded. “Small dosages would have been enough to trigger a gradual decline. And if the individual in question had a desire to prove themselves, it would have also triggered a growing aggression.”

“Why would anyone do this?” Shy asked softly. I snorted.

“There aren’t many ponies that have access to it, as it’s not actually native to Equestria. Because of the risk to unicorns, it’s considered highly illegal. It would take a lot of money to get ahold of any amount.”

“So what happens now?” Luna asked. She blinked at the shark’s grin I was wearing.

“Oh, nothing less than fishing for a pony that thinks he’s a shark,” I said in response, still with my shark’s grin.

“I like ferrets,” Shy said softly, her eyes showing the anger she was feeling. Everyone but me blinked.

Hell hath no fury like a pissed off Fluttershy.





> Ferrets In the Council, Stoats In the Senate, and A Weasel in the Family
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------





Now, I know what you’re likely thinking.

You’re likely thinking that Prince Blueblood, the eternal boob, had at least something to do with what happened to Sunset.

Well, I got news for you; it wasn’t him. For starters, he’s neither that stupid. Then there’s the fact that he would have handled ‘the problem’ that Sunset represented a little more direct. Subtle Bluey isn’t.

Then there’s the fact- as already established -that a lot of Bluey’s public personal is an act. Not all though; as I said, He’s not very tactful.

However, I cannot say that his family wasn’t involved, as that would be lying.

Hm?

Oh, I’m getting to that. However, to do so is going to require a bit of explaining.

Trust me; this story is one of my more amusing ones.

Even if a lot of it is both sad and stupid.





To really understand what happened, and why it did, you have to go back a few years.

The first thing to keep in mind is that Sunset is not- as some would have you believe -an orphan. Nor is she Celestia’s child from an illicit affair.

What she is is the daughter of a common unicorn that married into one of the oldest Canterlot Houses. A mare that had a rather checkered past.

There are certain families that look down on foals being ‘born outside the Herd’ as they call it. Starlight Shimmer- a fine mare, one that doesn’t deserve the spite she was getting -had it hard before His Lordship Midnight Dreams of House Lemyre came calling.

Making the daughter of a ‘dirty commoner’ legitimate was only the first bone of contention. Her being picked- over Prince, who wasn’t interested anyway -for Celestia’s personal attentions was the other.
So a conspiracy was hatched. One that would eventually cause Sunset to either kill herself, or be imprisoned.

Why didn’t they just kill her outright?

Honestly, I have no idea. They certainly had the capacity-- ponies do have their share of sociopaths and ne'er-do-wells. Personally, I think it was because the head of the conspiracy was too paranoid.

And he was right to be; if I hadn’t intervened in my own inimitable fashion, things would have ended up far worse than they did.

And Equestria would have lost one of the few nobles that’s worth a damn.

But that’s a completely separate issue; let’s leave that rabbit hole for another day.

Why all the sidetracking?

*grins evilly*

You don’t think I’m going to just tell you who it was, do you?

Where’s the fun in that?

Besides which, all of this- excluding my involvement -is public record.

In any case, the bare bones of it is that a bunch of nobles and career bureaucrats tied to said nobles decided to ‘get rid of this common trash’ without fingering themselves or actually committing homicide.

It never occured to that collective circle of stupid that they were still guilty. But then, you know how it is with those in power; they think The Rules don’t apply to them.

They found out otherwise, to their regret, and to our general amusement.





How many detective stories have you read? Or watched?

Well, figuring out who was involved- I did have my suspicions, the un-lamented Ex-Lord Blue Blueblood being at the top of the list -was rather involved.

Investigating a case like this is rarely ever straightforward, even for me.

Magic was a fat load of help in anything except questioning witnesses- when there were any -and in communication. In fact, using magic only added to the time it took due to all the extra paperwork.

It took the collective efforts of myself, Luna, Discord, Twilight, Blueblood, Rarity, Fancy Pants, Fleur De Lis, and Lord Midnight the better part of sixteen months to gather what evidence there was. The reason why it did so is that we ended up landing hocks deep into one of the largest smuggling operations that Equestria had ever seen. One that involved the heads of at least fifteen percent of the noble class, and over fifty percent of Equestria’s legislative branch.

Tallyroot turned out to be the least of the things they were smuggling. Obsidian, dark mana (pure and crystallized forms), stolen Crystal Empire tech, forbidden tomes from Unicornia-- the list goes on. And that was just non-living; there was trade involving dragon and phoenix eggs, as well as frozen pony sperm and ova that had been altered magically.

The level of the conspiracy involved meant the near total collapse of Celestia’s government if handled poorly. Fortunately, Celestia had been working for years in streamlining Equestria’s government. None of that mattered to either Sunset or Fluttershy.

All of this came after though. The actual conspiracy was solved in a matter of days. I just didn’t realize that the Karmic Retribution ritual would have such a large affect.

Ah, hell, might as well admit the truth; I didn’t truly believe that it would work beyond the principals. In the past, it seldom did.

Then again, in the past, the spell didn’t usually have ‘turn them into mustelids’ as punishment. It was usually ‘turn them into stone’.

But I have to say that I found the bedlam to be wholly satisfying., if utterly chaotic. Seeing crooked politicians getting their just deserts- no matter how temporary -is oh so satisfying.





The actual scrying took several days, as I was unable to do more than a few hours at most.

Once I had some tentative locations, Luna sent her Lunar Guard out on some discrete raids. It would have been Celestia, but she wisely didn’t involve herself.

It only took five melted tea services and a destroyed high quality mattress to convince her.

But we were successful in proving that Lord Blue Blueblood had spent a small fortune in the purchase of three shipments of Tallyroot. And that the Secretary of the Interior, the Secretary of Defense, the Secretary of Foreign Affairs, and the Deputy Prime Minister were all involved.

Four of the highest pony offices were involved in violations of Equestrians trust. Needless to say, Celestia was fit to be tied. This time, it was seven tea services, and repanelling in her private quarters.

And that was just politicians.

Anyway, once I was sure that we had all we needed, we set a trap.

Celestia had not, as of yet, announced to the general public that Sunset had returned. I convinced the both of them that doing so would be a way that the conspirators couldn’t resist.

Sunset agreed with me; it took a long talk with both Twilights and Luna to get Celly to agree.

Lord Blueblood all but tripped over his hooves to prepare a final dose that would solve all of their problems. It was to be given to Sunset of the course of several days. Good thing that she didn’t have to eat any of it; a restaurant owned by Bluey provided hayburgers that had normal poppy seeds.

Several days later, a royal banquet was held in Sunset’s honor. The conspirators were gleefully waiting for a total collapse; judicious acting on Sunset’s part had given them confirmation that she was returning recorded behavior.

The most priceless bit of all of this was Sunset’s speech.

At the culmination of the various speeches made to congratulate Sunset to an honorary title of Princess, Sunset directed her last speech to a collection of nobles and political pundits with the following.

“Many of you are aware, despite efforts to change it, of my ‘banishment’ from Equestria. A banishment that has been of more benefit to me than anything else in my life.” Her gaze settled on Lord Blueblood as she continued her speech. “I have to thank those who tried- unsuccessfully -to have me sidelined. Though their efforts didn’t work as intended, they nonetheless enriched my life and the lives of others, and got me- for a time at least -out of their manes. Shame that I never considered them my peers. I come from common stock, and am proud of it. I have done all I can to make my mothers, my father, and my Teacher proud. I have the love of a wonderful girl whom I plan to marry. And a great deal of it is thanks to enemies who tried- and failed -to sideline one that has proven to be their better. Here’s to you m'lord; may your future endeavours be as unsuccessful as those that have past.”

It shouldn’t surprise you that the hapless lord wasn’t able to resist the bait. “It is so typical of a common pony to ridicule her betters.” He pointed at Sunset with an imperious hoof. “You are all celebrating a pony that has been proven, in the past, to be a credible threat to others. You’re willing to kiss her plot because of a freak magical event that has given her wings. But a leopard doesn’t change its spots. You should thank Harmony that I and others have taken steps to ensure that her time in the spotlight will be short. I promise you that.”

That’s when the Karmic Retribution I had cast several days before struck.

A brilliant corona of light appeared over the assembled ponies. I watched in slack-jawed amazement as an image of what could only be Epona herself shaking her head in disappointment before disappearing.

Flashes of spell energy targeted over half of the assembled. Lord Blueblood was turned into a weasel, as was the noble cronies that weren’t directly involved. The pundits were turned into ferrets, while the rest of those affected were turned into stoats.

Celestia, Luna, Cadance, Twilight, and Discord all looked at the bedlam in disbelief. The Lord of Chaos in particular could only shake his head in amazement.

“I’ve always known that Epona had it in her, but I didn’t know she could be this wonderfully chaotic.” I could only shrug helplessly; this was too much, even for me.

Not that I wasn’t enjoying it; both sunset and I were sporting smug grins of dark satisfaction.





Got more than you bargained for, didn’t you? Well, it was worse than just a smuggling operation.

Everything they were doing was in an effort to gain the funds necessary to hire mercenaries to take Equestria by force.

But Harmony always finds a way.

What happened afterwards?

A lot of clean-up, and a lot of restructuring in the annals of power. The fallout ended up giving Twilight more power than she was comfortable with at the time. To nopony’s surprise but her own, she not only held up under the pressure, but she proved that she was truly worthy of her title.

So, that’s the last of them. At least as far as first times are concerned; I’ve since provided other aid.

Mostly advice.

And friendship too.

The best magic there is, no matter how cheesy that sounds.