> Which Pony Shall I Be Today?
>  by deadpansnarker
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Part 1: Diamond Tiara
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pink hooves on a quadruped frame... richly scented purple and white mane... wealthy, austere surroundings.

Yup, suffice to say this is most definitely not my life. Or body. Or house, which is the only disappointing part.

Considering I'm equine now though, this must be the most ornate stable in the world. What in the hell did I take last night to hallucinate so badly?

MDMA, mixed together with a healthy portion of shoe polish would be my guess. Last time I use Dodgy Derek again as a dealer... you'd thought I'd have learned by now, 'the clue is in the name'.

Uh oh. No time to contemplate the absurdity of my predicament right now. A giant, hook-nosed creature comes bustling into my line of vision, with fur that's a similar hue to mine, albeit darker.

"Diamond Tiara!" She barks like a seal, wasting no time in elevating my noticeably smaller physique from where I lie to face her grotesque visage. "Why are you still lolling about?! Today's the day we take our Hearth's Warming card photo to send out to all the nobility! I've picked out the most delightful festive outfit for you... a cutesy, wutesy little Breezie. You'll love it, because I love it..."

I didn't grant the wretched beastie keeping me restrained one more microsecond, to torture my now pointed ears with that foghorn of a voice. Nor did I care about 'Hearth's Warming Day', or what the heck a 'Breezie' was. All I knew is I was under attack by a bigger, stronger bully, and immediately regressed to the days of the schoolyard.

I bopped her right on the schnoz. Come on, we're talking about a target the size of Jupiter. Also, substitute 'bopped' for 'full blooded karate kick'.

It had the desired effect, and then some. She dropped my diminutive, flailing form back onto the goose-feather mattress, and went off screaming blue murder, holding her bloodied nostrils while shrilly yelling "Filthy! Filthy! Our daughter's gone crackers!" 

"I'm not your child, you vile horse demoness!" I shouted as she departed, determined to set her straight. "I'm a 20 year old human from England, the United Kingdom, Brexit capital of the world! And I'm not 'filthy', either... unless, you're talking about my thoughts while perusing the lingerie catalogue..."

My touching soliloquy was interrupted by the dawning realisation of my new intonation, which resembled the haughty speech patterns of the most pompous, self-entitled brat to ever walk the Earth on two... no, four legs. Also, I was a girl. Ugh. And think you've had bad mornings...

Another unforeseen distraction came in the shape of an elderly-looking purple male butler-type pony, who'd stood in the threshold as I'd lashed out at my aggressor. With one bushy white eyebrow raised thoughtfully, he'd waited until the hubbub was over, before giving me an supportive thumbs-up...

Well, maybe he would if he possessed any digits. Let's call it a hoof-up. Still, at least now it looked like I had one ally in this batty, barmy world I'd been foisted into. Please let the nightmare be over soon...

Speaking of grim apparitions, something ugly this way comes. My geriatric friend from before swiftly makes himself scarce, as once again in trots my irate 'mum', looking even more hideous now with her face all screwed up in anger. Accompanying her this time is a robustly built brown stallion, quite absurdly wearing a business tie.

If I wasn't so freaked out right now, I'd be rolling all over the plush carpet with unbridled (get it?) laughter.

"Now, now young filly..." His laboured voice conveyed the trauma of someone who'd suffered greatly. Considering who he was married to, I'm not surpris... wait, ponies wed here?! Last train to Crazytown. Only occupant: me.

He continued, oblivious to my rapidly disintegrating mental state."I know your mother can be a hoofful..." So, they substitute 'hand' for 'hoof' here. Gotcha. "But that's no reason to give her a bloody muzzle! Celestia knows, I've been tempted on more than a few occasions to raise my hooves, but I've always managed to hold back, and you should too. We both have to live with her, be fair now..."

"Filthy!" The magenta monster stirred once more, clutching a perfumed hankie to her still-flowing nose, audibly grinding her teeth at the uncooperative patter she'd witnessed from her beloved.

"R-Right, r-right..." My 'Dad', otherwise known as Filthy, began to compose himself into a more formal mindset. "Okay, Diamond Tiara. I have decided on your punishment for the outrageous offense of pummeling your mother's proboscis. Let's say... one week's grounding. I-Is that sufficient, S-Spoiled?" He finished his sentence by nauseatingly grovelling to his wife, which made me simultaneously want to throw up, before telling him to man-up.

Or, pony-up. Whatever.

"Hmm... it's a start..." Spoiled (if a name ever fit...) murmured, somewhat sated by what she'd just heard. "But I think we can go even further. How about... a month on lockdown, a ban on seeing those new friends of hers who I expect encouraged this errant behaviour in the first place, and..."

At this juncture, Spoiled's narrow eyes sparkled, and I swear I could hear a supervillain's laugh behind her repellent smirk. "...We should confiscate her precious tiara, just to show we mean business. Go on dear, get it from her. If you do this for me, I'll let you sleep on the sofa downstairs tonight. Do we have a deal?"

Spoiled acted as though this sanction would have a major impact on me, but unlike the previous occupant of this body, I didn't give a hill of oats for no dumb jewelry. Her groundless threat did, on the other han... hoof, help me to understand where I got my new name from. Quickly evading my 'father's' desperate lunge, I rounded them both up like cattle to deliver something of a tirade.

"You christened me... after an item of headwear?" I snarled, according both my 'parents' such a disparaging glare they could only stare back in abject shock. "Some guardians you two are! Spoiled, with your incessant demands and manipulative nature! Filthy, you're nothing but an enabler for her abusive ways! The only animal round here with any sense is the old guy..."

I turned to wink at the now trembling form of the ma-ponyservant hiding behind the threshold, noticing for the first time his collar was hoof-stitched with the moniker 'Randolph' (finally, someon-pony around here with a halfway normal-sounding name). He however, had a petrified look on his wrinkled face which approximately translated as 'don't drag me into this', and I realised, yet again, I was on my own. Thanks, pal.

Also, my 'parents' were beginning, with some justification, to get a little concerned for my well-being. To say the least.

"She appears to be a teensy bit delirious, poor darling..." Filthy shook his head sadly at his 'daughter's' plight..

"She's absolutely cuckoo! Stark-raving bonkers! It comes from your side of the family, I'd wager..." The ever-compassionate Spoiled, as per usual, refused to mince words.

"Oh, what shall we do. She's never acted this way before..." Filthy wailed, having little experience of mental breakdowns, despite being close to one on numerous occasions.

"I'll never be able to show her off to high society now, unless it's in a cage at the circus..." Spoiled groaned, seeing her future hopes dissipate like her good looks growing up.

"Wait just a second... I've got an idea..." Filthy began to scratch his chin deep in thought, while his eyes darted from left to right conspiratorially. I didn't like the looks of this...

"We'll have to keep her locked in the cellar... sneak her meals in three times a day... oh, the shame of it all!" Spoiled continued to sob, streams of watery mascara running down her damp cheeks.

"Pull yourself together mare, and listen!" Filthy put on his big boy pants for a change, grabbing his nonplussed wife to deposit her in a huddle of two. I would say I was proud of him for showing such uncharacteristic assertiveness...

...But I was too disconcerted from the snippets I heard emanating from the duo's not-so-private discussion: "...Doctor... Padded Cell ...Sister ...Screwball ...Injection... Extended Stay..."

I'd eavesdropped enough. It was difficult already waking up in a kooky alternate dimension populated by anthropomorphic pastel ponies, but to be thought of as the insane one, amongst all this madness? That was the last straw (note to self: stop making horse puns).

I galloped out of there like Red Rum at his peak (...damn), knocking over poor old Randolph in the process and probably fracturing his hip in several places. Sorry pal, ya shoulda stuck up for me earlier.

The plaintive cry of my 'father' "Anypony who catches my daughter gets a raise!" carried little actual threat, as the majority of the hired help were simple maids, more used to cleaning and scrubbing than snaring an elusive pink blur.

Regardless, I descended the golden staircase, and somehow managed to push open the massive double-doors of the mansion with my fingerless joints to get the heck out of Dodge.

Unfortunately, in my haste to escape, I failed to spot the big, red, moving lump in front of me pulling a cart, until it was too late. Haven't these ponies ever heard of traffic ligh... I'm guessing not.

As I felt my eyes begin to flicker and my consciousness start to shift, my last impressions were that of the many worried pairs of eyes lingering over my prostrate form and a brief image of a charming little rustic town. 

...Or, as I now instinctively knew, my new home. Darn it.
> Part 2: Big Mac
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

An enviable physique, brimming with muscles. A shaggy mane on my back, in serious need of a good brushing. And to top it all off, a really big... neck.

Just as soon as I lost consciousness as the pink brat, I regained it as this gigantic hulk of a stallion towering over her. Everypony present was still gathered around the little one... checking her pulse, stroking her head, cradling her unresponsive body. Very different from where I live in central London, where the first reaction to someone fainting would be to take up amateur dentistry to prise out their gold teeth.

As ecstatic as I was at discovering I was male once again (although, my original species would've been nice) it was time for me to toddle off, especially as I saw Filthy and Spoiled hurrying over to join the fray. One was desperate to see if his daughter was alright, the other seemed far more concerned with keeping any potential paparazzi away from the now 'black sheep' of the family. Guess who was who?

I felt for the kid, I really did. Not only did she have the worst named comedy double act in showbiz history for parents, it was an almost certainty she was going to be given the works in terms of psychological assessments in the aftermath of her possession. Linda Blair, eat your heart out.

You could say her upcoming lobotomy was at least partially my fault, but how else would you expect me to react when waking up after a night of debauched revelry, to discover that you're a small pink horse in opulent surroundings that would've put Buckingham Palace to shame in their pretentious grandeur?

I needed to ponder more on this unexpected (and unwanted) chain of events, and I tended to think best on my feet, or hooves if I must start calling them that. In other words, it was my intention to take a little stroll to clear my jumbled head, scope out my surroundings and find whatever sick cosmic entity relocated me to this overdeveloped alien rodeo and beat the living daylights out of them. I can't wait.

I tried taking a sneaky step forward, forgetting momentarily that I was restricted by the heavy cartload of apples firmly harnessed to my back. Damn, this blasted wagon could be the difference between me making a clean getaway or being forced to explain how I flattened a filly with so much force she was comatose on the dirt, her tongue dangling free like a broken yo-yo.

Also, from what I've seen of Mummy and Daddy, they could hire the best lawyers to make sure I was confined to my horsebox for a very long stretch. Not on my watch, you upper-class twits.

Hang on a minute... do they use money here? Or even, do they have a functioning judicial service? If so, does Phoenix Wright work for them? Miles Edgeworth, perhaps? It might sound wacko, but in this newly discovered cartoon wonderland, anything seems possible. Apart from rational thought, of course.

Anyway, as quietly as I could, I extracted myself from the vehicle of transportation and silently crept away. Sorry market shoppers, you're going to have to make do without your quota of russets today.

I had almost managed to fully turn the corner unseen, which is amazing when you consider that this lugubrious form wasn't exactly designed for ninja-style maneovures, when...

I heard a girlish scream nearby from underneath one of my hooves. Uh oh. Quickly lifting the limb up, I discovered that it was mere inches from crushing some goofy-looking colt with a brown mane and a pair of tiny wing nubs. So, they have pegasuses (pegasi?) here too. Interesting...

Unfortunately, while the buck-toothed one had narrowly avoided being flattened into a dusty pancake, his camera hadn't been so lucky, and now lay in pieces on the ground. I looked down at the debris guiltily, and decided to offer him a trade on the spot in exchange for my carelessness. See, I do have a heart. Sometimes.

"Sorry about that, dude." I spoke in an ridiculously countrified accent. Go figure. "You can have all the apples that I've just dumped over there by means of compensation. I'm sure if you sell them, you'll be able to buy yourself a nice, modern digital camera, not like that primitive piece of junk you were carrying before. I mean... hello? The 80's called... they want their blueprint back..."

Needless to say, my yokelish speech, full of anachronisms and slang as it was, caused the colt's demeanor to turn on a dime from gibbering terror to utter confusion. I realise I might be talking nonsense from his perspective and that of every other pony around, but hey... I didn't ask to be a tourist in Bizarroland, so why should I try and conform? Until I can find a way out of this mess, they're just going to adjust to my wavelength. Such as it is.

In the meantime, I had enough problems of my own. Diamond Tiara's personal fan club had evidently heard the nearly squashed colt's pathetic yelp of fear, and now all their attention was focused on me.

"Where are you going?" A magenta coloured mare broke free from their number, a similar hue to my despised ex-mother, although this creature appeared much more affable than Spoiled on the surface. It was apparent though, that my unwillingness to help after the accident was distinctly out of character for me in her mind, and she gazed at me through perturbed eyes.

"E-er, I was just stretching my legs, darling. Hard work, carting around them apples all day..." I tried to accompany my blatant lies with a wide, phony grin, but not surprisingly, this only seemed to implicate me further.

" Uh-huh, I see, and that's why you dropped your produce all the way over there, while trying to creep off..." The mare said skeptically, and as she sized me up I couldn't help but notice the strange tattoo on her flank of three smily little flowers. All the other equines in attendance had poorly drawn illustrations of a similar nature too... weird. 

They should try my local tattooist, he did the Chinese symbol for 'hate' on my right arm a treat. The lucky chap could retire early, with all these new customers...

"Hello, can you hear me?..." I heard the magenta mare call out, as she frantically waved a garish hoof in my line of sight. "What has gotten into you today, Big Mac?!"

"Yeah, I'll have that, and a double serving of fries, with a diet coke..." I answered absent-mindedly, my ailing brain still caught in La La Land, without all the obnoxious singing and dancing, of course. Although, it was still early days yet...

"What are you talking about?! Come to think of it, why are you speaking so much anyway?! I hope you're not going to be this spaced out during our date tonight..." The mare shook her head, as flabbergasted as everyone else at this unfamiliar persona her 'coltfriend' had adopted.

"Date? Nah, I can't do that. I don't go out with animals..." Still deep in concentration, I continued to waffle on as if I was still in my original form and world. "Besides, I've already got a girl. Sorry, luv." 

"P-pardon?" I was quickly bought back to Earth... or wherever the heck this was, by a firm slap around the chops. "H-how could you? I-I always thought you were such a decent guy... i-it's like I've never known you at all..."

"Baby!" I clutched my cheek in pain, as I attempted to undo the damage I'd just caused... by relying on hoary old romantic cliches. Bound to work. "It's not you, it's me. There's plenty of fish in the sea. With each failure, arises a new opportunity..."

"I bet I know who it is too..." The angry mare wasn't listening to a word I said, which is just as well, really. " That floozy you couldn't stop banging on about when you returned from your holiday at the rock farm. 'Beware the quiet ones', indeed. Well, I'll be traveling up there straightaway to have a little word in her ear, but as for you..."

She turned to give me a most fearsome glare, that even made those converged around Diamond Tiara's still lifeless body recoil in shock.

"We're over. Wild horses couldn't drag me back to you now. I don't even think another magical potion by your little sister and her friends would have any effect this time, either. Goodbye, Big Mac. I hope you're proud of yourself, that you've broken this p-poor t-teacher's h-heart..."

And, on that 'uplifting' note, the devastated mare burst into tears and galloped away at a considerable speed, all while ignoring my useless pleas of forgiveness. It would appear that females of any species never listen. Preserved internally for future reference.

I looked down depressingly at the little squirt I'd almost pulped to be greeted with a simple shrug of the shoulders, before an audible booing could be heard coming from the nearby congregation.

"Hey, shut up!!" I refuse to be made to feel morally inferior by a bunch of old nags. "It was a brief fling, that's all. A one-night stand. A roll in the hay. Don't tell me you peop... ponies have never done anything like that, when it's breeding season and jockeys need something to ride, labourers need something to pull and the glue factory requires essential ingredients. Anyway, I must go now. If you want to sue me, take it up with my insurance company. You can find them several trillion light years from here. Ciao."

That's when I made myself scarce, trotting in the opposite direction to where my 'old flame' was headed, (past experience has taught me well in the art of severing all ties with my former girlfriends), kicking up a huge cloud of dust in my egress. Hopefully, this camouflage would be enough for me to make good my escape. 

Amongst all the spluttering and coughing that I left behind, one snotty voice stood out from the rest, one that I'd used not so long ago, which fortunately was no longer under my control.

"Why am I on the dirty ground outside? Why is everypony gathered around me? What is this giant bruise on my head doing here? Why are you staring at me like that, mother and father? Why is Nurse Sweetheart approaching me with that giant needle? Why do I suddenly feel so s...lee...py zzzz...."

Sorry, Diamond Tiara. I do hope you can forgive me one day. I'll come and visit you in the mental ward, I promise... whatever form I might inhabit next. Which would you prefer, red, or green grapes now?

....................................................................................................................

You'd think waking up in a new town with unique infrastructure and uncommon residents might pique my curiosity enough to look around, but you'd be dead wrong.

I was too focused on what I'd done to poor Diamond Tiara, how I'd destroyed Big Mac's chance at ever achieving lasting happiness, if I was ever going to see my grotty yet cozy little flat ever again...

I was supposed to pay the bailiffs today too, and I really wanted to hold onto my colour TV. Hopefully, time stood still at home, while I was trapped helplessly in the Twilight Zone...

Also, I'd told my girlfriend I referred to earlier that I'd go clothes shopping with her today. I have to admit, I wasn't too conflicted at missing out on that particular experience.

Mind you though, a man, or a stallion has certain needs. If I'm not going to have 'cuddle time' with my special lady for a while due to my good self being stranded here, I may be forced to copulate with one of the locals, utilising my newly extended anatomy.

A slightly frightening, if intriguing proposition. And by the looks of things, I wouldn't be short of possible candidates either... at least three quarters of this town looked to be female, going by the amount of eyelashes on display. If only they were actually human, along with me, I might never want to go home again. Ah, well...

It would also depend of course, if I could stay in this body for long enough to accomplish that worthy goal. If only I could still find some way to prevent myself switching again, it would make things so much easier...

"Big Mac? Just what in tarnation is goin' on 'round here?"

My train of thought was abruptly halted by a hillbilly-influenced orange pony with a yellow flowing mane and a cowboy hat rapidly approaching, and she didn't seem very pleased to see me. Not another ex, I hope. Time to turn on the charm again...

This time however, my new companion didn't let me utter a single syllable before her first complaint emerged. "I've just heard from a lot of other ponies in town... you done knocked Diamond Tiara out, the daughter of our biggest client, and then ran off without even giving her aid?"

"I-I..." I struggled to find a decent counterargument to that salient point.

"Opalescence got your tongue, huh?" The angry orange mare fumed, her pronounced scowl encompassing almost her entire face. "Well, apparently you weren't short of a few words earlier, so don't try and fool me with the old silent treatment. I also found out you dumped an entire days worth of profits on the street, that poor Featherweight strained his back in trying to carry them off and now you got Miss Cheerilee heading on up to the rock farm to challenge Marble Pie to a grudge match, on account of something you told her! So, I ask again: Just what is goin' on with you today?! Come on, spill!"

"W-well..." I could think of a few things to say, but I didn't want to make things even worse... oh, what to do? What to do?!

Meanwhile, the orange pony's ire seemed to have simmered down somewhat at my anxious flustering, and she ambled over to my side in a display of kinship. "I know it's been tough, sugarcube, ever since our parents passed away. I suppose I always assumed that you could cope with the responsibility of doing the farmwork, while I raised Apple Bloom and Granny... well, was just Granny. But since I've been on Cutie Map duty and tasked with saving the world at least once a year, I can see how things might of got a tad stretched for y'all. If you ever need to talk to your little sis..."

The revelation that this mare was family hit me as she put a friendly hoof around my neck, a touching gesture that might have meant more if I didn't feel a massive electrical charge pass through my system at that precise second...

And, just like that, I was female again. Wearing a very baggy hat, to boot.

Sighing in frustration while I adjusted it, I turned to my new 'brother' to ask him simply: "So, you're Big Mac, are you?"

"Yup."

"Do you have any memories of the last hour, at all?"

"Nope."


> Part 3: Applejack
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...So, you were running around like a headless chicken. I think you saw a horsemeat salesman and panicked or something, and before you knew it you'd beaned your bonce on an low hanging pillar. That would explain the temporary amnesia, so we better go home and you can get some rest in your extra-large bed..."

My off-the-cuff explanation as to why Big Mac had no prior recollection of his activities up to the point where he'd passed the mansion with the day's crop, pretty much sucked donkey balls. Fortunately, the scarlet behemoth was so bewildered at this stage, he might well have believed any old cobblers. Perhaps even... that he'd been abducted by sadistic extra-terrestrials to be placed in an observatory and studied at least one day a week by lower lifeforms.

What are the chances, eh?

Anyway, it was with a grunted, monosyllabic "Yup" (my God, is that the extent of his vocabulary, along with "Nope?" no wonder everypony was surprised by my verbosity earlier) we went off on our merry little way, with me insisting he take the lead back to the ol' homestead. After all, as they would say in what is clearly a matriarchal society, gentlecolts first...

Real reason: I had no ****ing idea which direction to take, or even what our place of habitation looked like. If I had to guess, my bet would be some shabby little shack sitting in the middle of nowhere, with a banjo-strumming dungarees-clad redneck on the front porch. 

Aren't stereotypes amazing, and so convenient? You can probably evaluate my worldview by checking out my DVD collection. Who needs books and real life experiences, when you can rely on sensationalist Hollywood generalisations?   

I followed my much bigger brother as we weaved and wended our way through the busy morning crowd, all the while hoping and praying that we wouldn't encounter anypony present at the scene of his acrimonious break-up. If Big Mac were to discover the scandalous truth behind the loss of the apple of his eye, he'd have many questions I wouldn't have the answer to, and those hooves looked mighty powerful...

Arrgh! Stay focused, man. You don't want to share a room with Diamond Tiara at the nut house, do you? That could never work... She'd play her music too loud, you'd complain too much and neither of us would be able to agree on who got the top bunk. It always happens.

Another thing I noticed, as I persevered past the quaint cottages and unsuspecting ponies (I've also seen they have unicorns here, too. This joint has more equine varieties than M&M colours) I can only marvel at how graceful and lithe this new body of mine is. Also, it may belong to a girl (casual sexism alert) but I can feel the strength bulging in both the front and hind legs. 

The only downside is that something very important is missing down below, but even so: I want to know this mare's workout routine. I'd ask her myself, but her soul right now is probably trapped somewhere in limbo, and I do not have a map of the area. Ah well...

My mind ceases wandering the same time my physical state does, as the stoppage of the giant figure in front signifies the end of our little journey. A large expanse of fertile land lay before us (no surprises there) surrounded by apple trees (that would explain the produce from earlier) and a ramshackle hut fit for the wrecker's ball  (Yep, it looks like I got the hat-trick of predictions correct. Thank you, crystal ball.)

What I didn't expect is for some little runt to come charging down the path, an oversized ribbon in her scarlet mane and covered in yellow fuzz like me when I haven't shaved. Ugh, I hate kids.

"Applejack, ya back!" She exclaimed in a shrill rural accent that was becoming all-too-common to these pointy ears, including my own voice. I always skipped the Beverly Hillbillies reruns on my TV... and now it looked I was starring in a real-life version of their goonish escapades. Great.

"You must be... Apple Bloom?" I remembered what Applejack had told me about the filly she raised single-hoofedly earlier, while I was still commandeering the big lug. Hopefully, this meant she was my honest-to-goodness sister, and not the tragic victim of generations of systematic inbreeding through the bumpkin program. I know... I'm a very prejudiced individual. You ought to hear my views on gypsies...

"...And you 'must' be hungry..." Apple Bloom laughed, thinking that my discomfiture over her name was part of an elaborate joke. "Come on, Granny's cookin' up a storm in the kitchen. Guess what we're having for lunch... apple fritters and apple slices, with apple pie for dessert! All washed down with a nice glass of apple juice! Betcha can't wait, huh?"

"Got anything non-fruit related...?" I couldn't help but ask. It's not like I hated apple, though this menu as presented erred a little on the repetitive side. It's just... most fruits have a strange effect on my digestive system. You see, they make me...

"Oh, Applejack! You really are in a funny mood today!" Momentarily taken aback by my unenthusiastic response, Apple Bloom soon fancied that I was carrying on my bad gag from earlier. "Come on, before Granny rings the bell! Let's get to the table first... really freak her out!"

"Y-yeah..." I stammered in earnest, as I was led away by my rambunctious escort. You wanna know 'freaked out', dear? Try waking up in an off-the-wall riding school where the horses are the people and the people... are nowhere to be seen.

Yeah, I think I've conceived enough analogies to describe this whacked-out place. From now on, until I learn it's real name, I'll simply call this universe 'Neightopia'. DVD collection, anyone? Remember?

Another troubling matter was Big Mac's consistently suspicious looks in my general direction. He hadn't stopped gawking at me since he regained his senses, casually observing my every move all the way here, especially when he thought my attention was elsewhere. It's obvious that he suspects something, but what can I do about it?

I only had the briefest of conversations with Applejack... hardly enough material to base an entire performance off of for her character. Hey, you want improv, go to the actors studio. I'm just a simple English Lit student from Blighty, not a Oscar winner in the making. Sorry to be such a huge disappointment. Both to you, and my real parents.

Meanwhile, the three of us proceeded inside the dilapidated cabin, to the annoying refrain of a dog barking, and a ceaseless jingling from somewhere else.

"Oh darn it, she beat us to the mark again!" Apple Bloom lamented, frustrated that Granny had managed to peal the bell before the filly was seated...

While I was just staggered, after examining the less-than-salubrious interior, the door didn't collapse as soon as I slammed it.

Will wonders never cease.

Although, my current situation is one 'wonder' I'd be more than pleased to see reach it's conclusion.
..................................................................................................................

"Come on, dear. Yer barely touched yer meal, and yet here I am, ready to dish out seconds! I made all your favourites, special like! I swear, kids these days... so darn ungrateful...mutter... mumble"

And so it was, that I found myself being lectured by some cantankerous old bore, having my hooves licked by a canine named after a notorious shoplifter, while my little 'sister' was stuffing her face with mush and my big 'brother' grew ever more wary of my incongruity, all in a noisy environment that absolutely reeked of animal dung.

How's your life going? Great? Well, **** you, too.

If I was more curious, I might have asked a few questions. Like: why are we keeping pigs, when ponies are vegetarian? (even I, as a non veterinarian, knows that much). What's with all the stupid apple-related names this family has (I facehoofed when I found out Granny's surname was 'Smith'. Ouch, that smarted.)

...Finally, what is this strange sensation I have in my midriff? It better not be what I think it is... I don't think I'm prepared for that particular experience yet.

Presently, Apple Bloom was regaling us all with the 'fascinating' tale of her day so far. With her mouth full, of course. "...Me and the girls helped Sky Dive get her parachuting cutie mark, then we finished mending the hole which Bulk Biceps made in our hut a few months back..."

I'm sure this all would have been absolutely captivating, if I could understand a word of it. At least now, I was beginning to appreciate the confusion that arose in this neighbourhood when I started waffling on about off-world trends. The last segment of Apple Bloom's comment caught my attention, though.

"...And later on, we're off to visit Diamond Tiara at the psychiatric ward! Poor thing... I know she used to bully us, but she doesn't deserve to be stuck inside all day, wearing a jacket with no sleeves. I wonder what happened to her, anyway? I just heard the news from Sweetie Belle, who heard it from Rarity, who found out it from..."

"Now, now Apple Bloom..." Granny Smith chastised the youngster. She seemed a kindly sort, if a little too bogey-green in hue for my liking. "It's not nice to spread rumours, even if they are about the young filly who disrespected our heritage. Big Mac, what did you do today? Did you get to market on time, and sell all the apples as you promised? A bit more elaboration in your speech would be appreciated, for once..."

"I guess I did... though I can't really remember..." Big Mac spoke as if the simple art of talking was like scaling Mount Everest with one hoof, but his unwavering eyes never left mine for a second. "That don't matter, though. I gotta date tonight. I must say, I'm looking forward to that..."

"Oh, yes!" Granny Smith smiled encouragingly, a clear sparkle glowing in her bleary old eyes. "You and that Miss Cheerilee have been stepping out quite a lot recently, haven't ya? Tell me, young stud, do ya think you'll be ready to 'pop the question' anytime soon? I'm not getting any younger ya know, and I'd sure like to see some baby apples before I pass onto the other side..."

Big Mac blushed so hard, he turned an even brighter shade than normal. "G-Granny... it's early days yet. We're taking things slow. One step at a time, okay?"

"Well, you just make sure you make an honest girl out of her soon. Ponies like that only come around once in a Zap Apple harvest... believe me, I know. Heed my advice: Take the plunge, before it's too late..." Granny Smith sighed in contemplation, while my conscience grappled with the fact that I'd not only destroyed the poor guy's love life, but his elder relation's chance of enjoying her 'golden years' with foals aplenty. Damn... where's Jiminy Cricket when you need him?

"...So what did you do today, dear?" I snapped out of my self-loathing at the sound of Granny Smith's crinkled voice, with Apple Bloom's friendly face and Big Mac's not-quite-so-amiable countenance also hanging on my every word.

"E-Erm..." I hesitated, trying to provide a viable schedule for what a strong female pony might do with her spare time. By the looks of this coat, I guess we can rule out 'takes a bath'.

"Didn't you say earlier you had an urgent message to deliver to Princess Twilight?" Apple Bloom seemed surprised that I could forget such a pertinent detail. Like her brother, the first hints of distrust were starting to form, and I needed to think fast.

"Y-Yeah... that." I exclaimed, my nervousness clear to all around me. I never was any good in high pressure situations. Play poker with me, and you go home with my shirt by the end of the night. "And also farmwork. Lots and lots of farmwork. Also, a walk. True story. What, you got a problem with that, bro?"

"Oh, that's nice, dear..." Granny Smith seemed more than happy with my update, and returned to her liquidised apple chunks with relish. Apple Bloom and Big Mac though, on the other hoof, seemed less than convinced. Especially the latter, who was beginning to show signs of outright hostility towards me.

It was Apple Bloom who piped up first, though. "Hey, sis... are you sure you're fine?" she inquired, clearly agitated.

I was about to answer, but the build-up in my bladder had now reached cataclysmic proportions. You see, even though I'd barely eaten enough apple to feed a snail, it was still more than enough to send my metabolism into overdrive.

And now, I really needed to go. Out of both ends.

In front of my dumbfounded fake family, I flipped the table over in desperation, knocking over a whimpering mutt in the process. I was on my way outta there, in a frantic race for the bathroom.

Wait a sec, do they even have bathrooms here? After all, back on sweet, sweet, Mother Earth, ponies just go wherever they please. What about toilet roll? Or washing your hooves? Or numbers one and two, or...

Oops, no time to ponder the complexities of my predicament any further. I had to locate the possibly non-existent room, before I really blew a gasket. On a random whim, I ran upstairs, checking each room in turn to discover that most of them were simply bedrooms. Very useful if you want to take a nap, not so much for a diarrhea explosion.

There was one closed door though. That had to be it. I quickly thrust it open, on the one hoof thankful to be free of this overwhelming urge, on the other, not so much looking forward to acquainting myself to an equine's lady parts...

Only for my expectations to be dashed, as I was caught in the midst of an unforecast avalanche. Of apples, naturally. 

Sums up my luck, of late. I knew I shouldn't have jumped in front of that bloke who looked like a leprechaun in the queue for gas the other day...

As I lay there dazed and regretful, my other fake family members artfully dodged the bruised fruit that were now cascading down the stairs, to gaze at me with unreadable expressions. 

"...Applejack, why did ya let all of our unsold stock out of the pantry?" Apple Bloom took a step forward, wanting to know the answer.

"I just wanted... to find the bathroom... but I came unstuck... dealing with your sick apple fetish." I gasped in pain, counting the amount of fresh lumps on my head due to these rubes' carelessness. Around a dozen, was a decent estimate.

"Applejack, you know we've been using the outhouse since you were a wee one... what's gotten into you today?!" Granny Smith wheezed from further down the steps, proving that Stannah didn't have a business in this world. If that senile old dear could critique me, I knew I was in trouble.

"I-I..." Sadly, a combination of my incoming migraine and an inability to think of an excuse led to Big Mac to speak next, and that was my undoing.

"I'll tell you what's 'gotten into her' " Big Mac exclaimed, his nostrils flared out in anger. "That imposter there ain't our Applejack!! She don't walk like my sister, she don't talk like my sister, and she don't even like apples! The final kicker is her not even knowing the layout of the house where she's lived her whole life! That tells me there's only one possible explanation for what this 'thing' is. And that would be..."

"A changeling!" Apple Bloom gasped, her eyes widened in shock. "B-But I thought they were all good now, what with Thorax as their leader, and their new paint job 'n' all. U-unless, this fraud in front of us is..."

"Queen Chrysalis!" All three exclaimed at once, and began to regard me with outright contempt, with even that damn dog baring it's teeth and snarling at me. I was beginning to think maybe I'd outstayed my welcome (Also, because I'd just relieved myself in fear on the wooden floor. Oops).

"Let's get her, and make her tell us where the real Applejack is!" Granny Smith's battle cry was all the other two needed to charge forward, to smother me completely. 

Fortunately, I was way too fast for them, and I handily evaded their dive while running down to the ground floor, through the kitchen and back into the wilderness. I knocked something off the fireplace in my retreat, but who cares? Nice, try suckers!

Unfortunately, in my rush to escape, I didn't quite get off scot-free. My joy was short lived when I discovered my new physique: Small body, yellow fur, massive ribbon...

Basically a smaller, runtier version of the country pony I was before.

Not exactly what I would call an upgrade.

Fiddlesticks...








> Part 4: Apple Bloom
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I trudged slowly through the vast open fields, feeling extremely sorry for myself. 

One minute you're on top of the world, imbibing copious amounts of booze with your best friends, ready to ask the girl of your dreams to move in with you (hey, the place could do with of tidy-up now and then, beats hiring a maid), things couldn't be more peachy...

Then, through a implausible sequence of surreal misadventures involving soul transference and close encounters with equine snobs, slobs and one very angry dog, I found myself inhabiting the body of yet another little brat.

In fact, after my unwitting possession of at least three members of a certain clan, you could say things couldn't be more 'Appley'. I'd laugh, if I didn't want to shoot myself.

At least the first little punk I hijacked spiritually had riches to throw around... this one was not only dirt poor, but she probably wallowed in dirt in lieu of having a wash, too. Combine that with the annoying drawl and the massive bow which constantly impeded my vision, and you might describe me with some accuracy as not-a-happy-camper. Pack up the tent kids, we're going home... I wish.

Well, at least I could do something about that bloody ribbon. First chance I got when the coast was clear, I ripped it off and tore it to ribbons (tee hee). 

Sorry Apple Bloom, I don't care if that was a cherished heirloom or not... for what your family just put me through, my reservoir of sympathy is bone dry. As long as I'm in control of your puny form, we're going to do things a lil bit differently. Buckle up.

I stretched my tiny hind legs, and began to plan a route, possibly away from any majorly populated areas if at all possible. The less contact I have with these horsie menaces, the better. After my embarrassing performance in front of the Apples, I had no intention of putting myself at any further risk of being discovered. 

Besides, I might be stuck in this filly's body for a while... I could just see my picture on the milk cartons now, if they have them here of course. Believe me Apples, if I had any choice in the matter I'd return the brat to you without a second thought. It's just that her form is my only way of getting around 'Neightopia' for now, so please be patient. Let's just call it a loan, yes?

It was as I mumbled incoherently to myself while aimlessly ambling along that two new faces stopped to stare in my direction. I didn't spot them at first due to my dour, distracted mindset, but they sure seemed interested in talking to me.

"Apple Bloom?"

"Feed me fruit... what do they think I am, a sniveling rabbit? As soon as I get out of here, I'm having a full English roast with all the trimmings. Take  that, animal kingdom!!"

"Apple Bloom..."

"Why did those freaks call me 'Queen Chrysalis', anyway? I don't even like the monarchy! Elizabeth II could be booted out tomorrow, for all I care. Republic all the way, baby!!"

"Apple Bloom!!"

I blinked sharply, as if clearing my head after a long sleep, and turned my head slowly to engage my addressers. "Yeah, what do you two want? It's been a very hard day for me thank you, and I'd rather be left alone, if it's all the same..."

I finally got a better look at the miscreants on their approach. They looked about the same age as me, and my animosity  instantly increased tenfold for them upon studying their appearance. Here, we had a white female unicorn who could probably do more tricks than David Copperfield, and a male orange Pegasus who possibly had as many airborne maneuvers as the entire Red Arrows flight squad combined.

Me? I was apparently doomed to child slave labour and residing in a rundown old shed. As soon as I got the chance, I was switching places with one of these unsuspecting losers. The fact that they appeared to be friendly with this 'Apple Bloom' character meant nothing to me, apart from how much easier it would be to initiate my betrayal. 

Then, I'd either take to the sky like a jet plane, or start blasting random passer-bys with my awesome new power. I just had to tolerate their company for a little while, until the swap could be completed. It'll be tough, but I think I can endure their jibber-jabber for a brief period, considering the reward on offer...

As my devious Machiavellian brain began to work overtime, the two ponies seemed a bit put-out by my original response. The one with the pointy head growth spoke first. "Hang on a minute... I thought you said you wanted to go and see Diamond Tiara at the hospital with us this afternoon, because Miss Cheerilee had to go on an urgent trip so school was canceled. You were going to bring Diamond a slice of homemade apple pie, remember? We were going to join you at the farm before we set off there together, but apparently you're heading to the clinic on your own now. You're going the wrong way, as well. And what happened to your bow? I haven't seen you without it since... well, when we first met."

"I think maybe she's just shocked at Diamond going crazy, like we all are..." The orange guy pegasus buzzed his little wings, to emphasise his point. His voice was quite high-pitched for a dude, I noticed. "I know her parents apply lots of pressure to her, but I never thought things would turn out like this. I must admit though, I did let out a little cheer when I heard that she'd kicked Spoiled Rich in the snout. That stuck-up pony has had it coming for a l-o-n-g time..." 

"Yeah, that part was fun. I certainly enjoyed doing that, and watching her cry afterwards..." I chuckled at the memory of the beleaguered expression on that ghastly mare's face when I'd really let her have it, before realising, based on the odd looks of my two companions, that I'd made a mistake. "I mean... I wish I'd have been there. I've despised her for a long time... and that big nose, huh? Am I right, or am I right?! Come on guys, give me a high five... or a high hoof, as I should say..."

The unicorn glanced back to her orange friend, with concern written all over her cherubic features. "Gosh, I think you're right Scootaloo. I think she is a bit unbalanced right now. I've never heard Apple Bloom say she hated anypony before, and she appears to have lost her accent, too. Also, just what is a 'high hoof'?"

The one known as 'Scooter Loo' (seriously, who thinks up these names?!) nodded his agreement, and the pair moved a little more forward to intercept me. "It's okay, Sweetie Belle, I understand. She's so worried about Diamond that her big heart is making her act out in ways which are not normal. Just as her cutie mark tells us, her fellow Crusaders..."

'Cutie Mark'? There's that term again. I glanced down at my flank to where she indicated, and discovered the 'bad tattoos' I referred to earlier were actually a more permanent part of these pony's configuration... in my case, it was that of an apple-shaped heart (I guess apples had to be worked in there somewhere, sigh) and my partners had a musical note, and a lightning bolt respectively.

"So that's what those things are..." I stated angrily, prodding and prompting it as though it was an irritating zit I could burst before the school disco. "Just like the ones those dumb Care Bears have on their tummies! I suppose the fact that the shield around the symbol matches our mane colours as well means we're 'bestest pals' in the kiddie world that this toddler show represents. Well, guess what? Maybe I don't want to play along. Maybe I just want to go home, see my girl, watch TV, masturbate to some Internet porn and forget this stupid thing ever happened. M-maybe..."

I start to sob capaciously, big girlish yelps bursting forth from my mouth like the small filly I was now.  I missed the life I left behind to be replaced with this sorry body-hopping existence, and plomped my furry butt on the grass. I felt thoroughly miserable and didn't even care about what my 'live audience' thought of my hysterics. 

"Wow, she's really messed up..." Sweetie Belle remarked in worry, whilst addressing her pegasus compadre, who nodded in return. "Perhaps when we get to the hospital, they can give her the once-over there. I hope that this isn't some kind of new contagious madness that's sweeping Equestria, that's already afflicted Diamond and now Apple Bloom. I wonder if Twilight's heard of it. If anypony can fix the problem, it's the all-powerful princess..."

This seemingly innocuous statement was actually illuminating for a number of reasons. The first one being, I finally found out what this weird, whacked-out world was actually called (nah, I still prefer Neightopia) and two, I heard the name of somepony who might be able to help my delicate situation. In fact, I thought I heard her mentioned before...

"You mean... Princess Twilight? The one named after all those terrible vampire romance movies?" I began to wipe my tears away, finally having a smidgen of hope for the future. "Applejack was supposed to deliver an important message to her this morning, but she never showed up for... various reasons. Let me guess... she's like, the head honcho 'round these parts, and Queen Chrysalis is the bad guy? Am I getting warmer?"

Scootaloo stood there in amazement, as if I didn't know all this already. " Y-yes..." He croaked, unable to fathom how this could be news to anypony. 

"Great then! Trip to the hospital... cancelled! You wouldn't want to be around Diamond Tiara when she's this nuts, anyway. Don't want to catch her crazy now, do you?" I abruptly leapt up, and squeezed myself in-between my two gobsmacked 'best friends'. "Let's go to her castle together, I mean, she does have a castle, correct? 'Sold at all good toy stores' I reckon. If anypony has the power to send me home, it's her... Why are we called the 'Crusaders' anyway? I'm pretty sure you weren't around in 12th century England, they'd be documentation about you if you were... And, Scooter Loo, was it? I gotta ask, man. why do you sound so much like a gir-oh, you are a girl! Sorry dude, I mean dudette, my bad. Your mane style and tomboyish personality totally threw me off. But your lack of a dic- you know, more or less confirms your story. Not that I'm staring, or anything. I ain't into that bestiality shizz, believe me. Whatever you find on my laptop at home... "

So it was like that, with me delicately positioned betwixt my two newest friends all the way to the inevitable castle, like a couple of good pals supporting a drunken acquaintance on the way home from the pub. They smiled broadly, they nodded a lot and went to great lengths to humour the utter drivel I was spouting, but I did catch at least one little whispered exchange of dissension.

"...Let's just leave her there, Sweetie Belle. I don't think I can take much more of this..."

" Scoots, our friend is very sick and needs our help and compassion at this crucial time! How can you be so cruel?!"

"Cruel, Sweetie Belle?! You're not the one who just got asked, and I quote: 'Why doesn't the chicken just fly us there?' and if I hear just one more 'crossing the road' joke, I'll... I'll... "

" She doesn't know what she's saying, Scoots! Try and have some sensitivity! As soon as we've visited Twi, we'll go straight down to the hospital and get her to have a complete check-up. Whether she likes it... or not."

"...I just hope I can last until then, Sweetie Belle, because if I can't, they might be booking her in for reasons besides her mental state."

.................................................................................................................................

"Oh yes, this is nice! Very nice! I can totally see myself settling down in a place like that. Apart from those turrets, they'd have to go. Not too keen on the whole crystalline look, either. Too much polishing required, I fear. But apart from that, it's great! They should totally open this palace up to the public, they'd make an absolute fortune! Kind of like another place in London I know..."

"Sweetie Belle, she's talking again..."

"Scootaloo... Let it go. It isn't her fault, obviously. She's ill. Very, very, ill."

We'd arrived at the grandiose 'Castle Of Friendship', which looked about as marketable as I expected it to be, pointy star and all. I'd have loved to look around, take some photos, steal some of the towels... but right now, my only focus was on getting home, going to bed and forgetting this whole sorry saga of a retarded childhood fantasy delirium had ever occurred.

Turning around to my now exhausted, both mentally and physically associates, I told them in a stern voice that was more of an command than a request: "Take me to your leader." 

Do you see the irony? I always thought that extra-terrestrials abducted me here, and now I'm beginning to sound like one myself. Either that, or my dialogue was the end result of too many dodgy B-movies during my many unproductive afternoons on the sofa, when I was supposed to be studying for something more than a dead-end existence. Whatever.

"E-Erm... sure thing, Apple Bloom... if you're still in there, somewhere..." Scooter Loo even seemed a little terrified of me now, something that maybe I might actually have empathised with, if it wasn't for the fact that she and Sweetie Belle had been exposed to one weird piece of alien culture in myself, whereas I'd been confronted by an entire world of the stuff. Who had more reason to be afraid, I ask you? No contest.

"Y-Yeah. You just sit tight there, and we'll go and get Princess Twilight for you. Try not to do anything crazy while we're gone, 'kay...?" Sweetie Belle added, and on that cautious note, both of them bolted at the same time inside, as though engaged in a race to see which one could escape my charming company the fastest. You'd almost think they didn't like me. Cheek.

To whittle the time away, I continued to marvel at the many variations of pony that existed in this small provincial town. Fat ones... thin ones... short ones... ugly ones. And none more hideous than a wrinkled old mule-type creature who gave me dirty looks when I couldn't drag my eyes off him. Hey fella, it's not my fault you're so unsightly I can't tear myself away. Blame genetics, not me...

Needless to say, I found it positively hi-lar-ious when, by way of karma, his terrible Donald Trump-esque wig was suddenly blown away by a stray breeze, to much consternation to him and his equally unattractive wife. They chased after it with admirable determination, knocking over a few market stalls en route and causing much havoc in the previously serene atmosphere.

Unfortunately, none of the other ponies found his torment and the subsequent disruption as funny as I did, and indeed glared at me unpleasantly as they trotted by, one even informing me in no uncertain terms that they'd 'tell my sister'. Good luck with that, she's probably halfway to prison by now, captured by dumb ponies under the impression that she's one of these 'changeling' creatures. Hopefully, I can get out of Equestria before the buckin' bronco makes bail, because then the jig really will be up...

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted when I saw Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo finally emerge from the castle together, with my eyes nearly popping out of their sockets when I saw what accompanied them, looking distinctly fed up with his arms neatly crossed.

It was a DRAGON.

A MOTHER****ING GOODNESS-TO-GOD REAL-LIFE DRAGON.

OH MY FREAKING LIFE... I LOVE DRAGONS.

I might have told you this already (I do tend to prattle on sometimes, in case you hadn't noticed) but I've been a huge fan of this until now fictional class of reptilian since I picked up my first video game, which oddly enough was Spyro. Since then, I've played Dungeons And Dragons, watched How To Train Your Dragon like, a zillion times and even dressed up as one for Halloween, but never though I'd meet one in the scales. Must... prod...  all... over.

Unaware of his impending doom, the creature was starting to talk, though his words were barely audible above his unbearable cuteness. "...Like I said, Twilight and Starlight are headed over to Applejack's farm, due to reports that Queen Chrysalis had been sighted there. You're just going to have to wait until she gets back, now if you don't mind, I have a floor to finish waxing..."

"Huh, that's funny, Spike..." Sweetie Belle scratched her chin in thought. " Apple Bloom just came from there, and she didn't mention that. It's a shame she's suffering from the same kind of mad sickness as Diamond, or she'd be able to tell us what's going on."

"Yeah, that's true. Sounds exciting, though. Wish I was there..." Scooter Loo commented, before a frightening thought occurred to her. "Wait a second, think about how oddly Apple Bloom's been acting since we ran into her. Guys, I don't think we should automatically discount the possibility that our good friend is really a..."

"Changeling?!" The two fillies looked at each other with alarm, before turning to 'Spike' to see if he agreed, but as of that moment he was more concerned with something else.

Namely, a rapidly approaching yellow filly (i.e, me) rushing towards him, letting out the biggest fangirl scream ever, to unceremoniously bundle him over, while touching him everywhere. "Wow, this is fantastic! He's got the forked tongue, the pointed spines, the sharp teeth, the long claws and everything! No wings yet... I suppose that's because he's just a baby. Don't worry about it fella... I'm sure you'll grow into them! Now, let's see if you can breathe fire..."

"Help! I don't get paid enough for this kind of molestation. In fact, I don't get paid anything at all, but even so... somepony save me!!" Was all the tiny creature could say as I man-dragon-handled him everywhere, as Sweetie Belle and Scooter Loo paused briefly in horror, before deciding to take decisive action. 

"Get off our friend now, you crazy pony! Or possibly, deviant love-sucking creature..." Sweetie Belle hesitated in her prose, unsure what to classify me as.

"My bits are on the latter!" Scooter Loo insisted, in a statement which probably sounded dirtier than it was supposed to. "Quick, use your horn! Restrain the monster, and we'll soon see her for what she truly is."

"O-Oh yeah..." Sweetie Belle seemed to forget about her powers momentarily, and as her horn glowed I found myself being lifted away from the object of my affection, while surrounded in a light green aura.

"No! Perfect childhood memories... fading. Jaded adult cynicism... returning." I groaned, as my last hoof began to slipped away from my target's arm.

But then, something truly magical happened. Something infinitely more pleasant than being dragged away by a petulant unicorn.

The familiar feeling of electricity returned, and I was there.

Not in the body of a bullying brat.

Or a lanky labourer.

Or a hillbilly hayseed.

Or even a silly filly.

But in the glorious, wonderful, supreme form of an almighty dragon. 

I was even back to being male, AND bipedal.

The second greatest thing I could be, apart from my normal perfect self, but I'll take this for now.

"Woo hoo!" I thrust my claws in the air and ran around like crazy, right in front of the bemused fillies which now included a constrained Apple Bloom. "Best. Transformation. Ever. I'm going to go totally wild, see how many things I can set on fire, it's gonna be a blast..."

It was then that I realised I was still being closely watched, and for once I decided to let my enthusiasm die down a bit while I employed some cunning tactical nous. "...What I meant to say is, of course, good job Sweetie Belle and Scooter Loo. Go and take your friend to Twilight, who I'm sure will reward you handsomely. Oh, and return her to normal, of course..."

With all the madness that had already gone on that day, the two fillies had obviously decided that enough was enough, and it was just time to let the adults handle things."...Whatever you say, Spike." Sweetie Belle was heard to mutter.

"Yeah, I just wanna get home, put my hooves up and relax. In fact, after today, I'm not sure I ever want to leave the house again..."  Scooter Loo seemed equally tired of recent events.

"Good good, you do that..." I replied, not really listening. "Now if you don't mind... I have a 'floor' to 'wax'. Yep, that 'floor' sure ain't gonna 'wax' itself. Well, ciao!"

I abruptly went inside the castle and slammed the door, and rubbed my claws in glee. Good, that's gotten rid of them. Screw the floor, now I can actually look around this castle properly to see if I can find a way back...

But first, time for some fun.





> Part 5: Spike
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Whee!!" I slid down the exponentially long banister at breakneck speed, my greasy scales really helping me out with traction. It's now been nearly an hour since I infiltrated this palace under the guise of the Princess's lowly servant, and I've had quite the experience, let me tell you.

Wanna know what I've got up to? Here, I've made a list. Enjoy.

*I found three bedrooms upstairs, two of which that obviously belong to ponies, judging by the loose horsehair littered all over the mattresses. I'm sure a heap of straw in the corner would have suited them both just fine, if they weren't so uppity. 

*One had an indecipherable equals = sign poster on the wall. Not exactly Nirvana or Green Day, but whatever takes your fancy. Unfortunately, while 'admiring' it, I happened to develop somewhat of an irritable nose, and I sneezed... accidentally reducing the highly flammable sheet to ashes, also immolating a bunch of letters nearby from an individual who's name I could just partially make out as Sunb- through the mostly scorched paper. SUNBUTT?! Now, these names are just getting ridiculous...

*I laughed so hard at this point, I accidentally set the whole room alight. Oops, maybe this whole 'fire breathing' jizz was more difficult to control than I thought. I spent the next ten minutes searching in vain for a fire alarm, or a phone from which I could dial 999 (or 911, to our Yankee cousins) on. Failing to locate either, I decided to cut the tenant's losses for them and just shut the door, to let it burn, baby burn. After all, there's more chambers in this castle than M&M colou... Oh wait, I've used that line already. Fine, let's just go with 'Skittles', then. 

*Next room up, I was determined to be more careful, so I covered my nostrils with two sets of claws before venturing forth. This place looked like an egghead's wet dream, as there were complicated graphs and charts everywhere, as well as the biggest chemistry set I'd ever seen. The occupant obviously didn't get out very much, poor thing. What stood out most though, was a giant autographed pic of a mutant white pony with a horn AND wings (what a freak, lol) with cursive handwriting that said: 'Thank you for being Equestria's greatest champion, Twilight Sparkle. Always yours, Celestia.' Ugh, if you ask me, this 'Twilight Sparkle' character got stiffed. If I'd  saved the world, at the very least I would expect an open-top bus ride, while being showered with money, champagne and naked ladies. It was as I returned the pretentious image to it's frame in disgust though, that I spotted something far more interesting.

* "Hi, I'm Gandalf The Grey. Yes, I may be as short as Frodo and have slit eyes with a tail, but it really is me, honest. Now, go and find the One True Ring before I smite ye with the back of my hardwood staff. Also, bring me a cup of tea while ye is at it. HA HA HA!" I spotted this amazing wizard costume hanging out of a drawer, and I simply had to try it on. I actually don't mind cosplaying... as long as I don't have to do it in a convention. Don't want people getting me mixed-up with the rest of the oddballs and weirdos now, do I? Sadly, at that precise moment, the Curse Of The Sensitive Nose struck once more. The beard tickled my snout, I gave out rather a loud pronounced ATCHOO... and I think you can guess what happened next, in a room full of papery goodies and explosive chemicals... Disco inferno, indeed. Two rooms down, only about a hundred more to go before this structure can be condemned in peace. Smooth Spikey baby, real smooth.

* I also stumbled upon the sleeping quarters of the little dude who's body I now forcibly inhabited. I know this because his bed was the only one the size of a puppy's basket, but with comic books scattered all around instead of dog biscuits. Not much to say here, aside from the fact that as I was admiring his not-so-secret stash of gems, wondering if I could get away with perhaps keeping a few for myself, I may still have been harbouring some fluff from that synthetic facial hair earlier under my nose, and I may have unintentionally ignited an artfully shot picture of a unicorn, which may have further escalated to an image of a sexy blue dragoness, before spreading to the comic books... but without witnesses, you can't prove anything.

*You won't believe what happened when I found the library, tried to blow off the dust on a few mystical tomes that could have helped me return to my home planet, and I ended up... yep, you guessed it. It was like World War II again, with all the burning books in there. Little history lesson for you, kids.

*On the flip side though, I might have actually done the Princess a favour. She obviously spent too much time indoors reading, and I've given her the excuse now to get over her social anxiety by meeting more ponies! So, if you look at it from that perspective, I've done her a great service! Not that I'll receive any thanks for it, though. I'm so underappreciated.

*Finally, there was a minor incident in a massive room, which had a large table inside with the weirdest looking eight-pointed star I've ever seen, emblazoned on the wood. I went in for a closer look, and saw six chairs (actually they were more like thrones) seated around the central area, each one with a crappily drawn symbol on their headboards, like those so-called Cutie Marks TM. Seriously, this 'show' needs to hire better artists.

*It's as I was reclining in the seventh, smallest seat I'd missed the first time round (the only one that would fit my tiny tush) that it happened. The cutest little blue bug with gorgeous green eyes flew onto my elbow, and I couldn't help but try and pet it. This world has much more adorable insects than Earth, I'll give it that. You should see some of the cockroaches that my cockmuncher of a landlord refuses to remove from my apartment. Bastard. Back to the present, the fly then took the decision to dodge my outstretched claw, and land directly onto my nose... and one smouldering table later, I decided it was safer for this budding arsonist to just stick to sliding down banisters, and waxing floors. The latter, if I had enough time.

Oops, I spent so long telling you about my day so far, I didn't notice the return of my 'mistress'. There she is, looking rather nondescript at the foot of the stairs, waiting to catch me. How lovely, I expect she wants to give me a nice, long hug. 

"Spike..." Twilight grunts, once I'm firmly ensconced in her hooves. I recognise her freaky hybrid self from some portraits in the gallery... what a narcissistic mare! 

It doesn't help either, that lavender is my least favourite colour. One of my ex's used to wear it a lot, the one who got mad just because I got caught in bed with her best mate. Sheesh, had she never heard of sharing? I told her she could have slept with my best mate Bennie The Beer Gut... but she wasn't interested. What else was I supposed to do?!

Back to the present. Again. (Sorry, this story has more flashbacks than Family Guy) "Twilight... " I smile contentedly in her embrace, almost feeling like a baby again. But those days are long behind me, thank goodness. "Glad to see ya darl. Listen, I don't suppose you have a cold remedy handy... I mean, hoofy do ya?"

"I'll have to check up on that, Spike..." she said, in a deadly monotone voice. "But first, would you mind answering a few questions for me yourself?"

"Fire away, toots! I'm here all week..." I said, trying to relieve the tension with a slight wink. "What can I do you for?"

"Well, it's funny you should mention 'fire', because I just returned from a major one myself..." Twilight's tone sounded as deadpan as ever. "Apple Bloom knocked a log of wood out of the fire while escaping the family's struggle with the 'changeling', and even though everypony and Winona managed to get out in time, the entire farm has now been burnt to the ground. Apple Family members across Equestria are journeying to help them rebuild it, but what is lost forever is the memories and love associated with that building, as it's been a part of the local community for generations. I-I haven't felt this bad since Tirek torched Golden Oaks..."

"Well, that is a shame..." I hid my grin well, I thought. It couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of rednecks. "So, what about Apple Bloom, eh? Did she get the strap, birch, or worse...?"

"Huh? I don't know what you mean..." Twilight glanced at me in confusion, (a similar expression almost everypony I came across greets me with these days) before continuing her story. "If you must know, Apple Bloom is currently being investigated for signs of insanity at the hospital, and her family are there too. Later on, they'll relocate to one of their cousins, until such time as their farm is habitable again. Maybe in a few months, or so..."

"That was so nice of them, princess..." I remarked, blatantly feigning my admiration for the goody-four-horseshoes in front of me. "But what about Applejack being Queen Chrysalis?"

"Well, that turned out to be a shaggy yak story..." Twilight sighed, while rolling her eyes. "You see, changelings don't relieve themselves, being as their diet is primarily love. After extensive testing and retesting of Applejack's fecal matter, I came to the inescapable conclusion it was derivative of nothing but apples, thus rendering her alleged alternate identity impossible. Sadly, by the time I relayed this vital information to her family, she'd already broken a lot of bones due to the administrations of her brother and surprisingly strong grandmother. They didn't believe her when she told them she was the 'real' Applejack, and gave her quite the beating. After discovering the truth, Granny Smith has also had to be hospitalised due to suffering a major stroke because of guilt, while Big Mac is being treated for depression because he just found out the love of his life has dumped him forever. It's a mess, I tell you Spike... "

"Y-yeah, sometimes you just don't know how lucky you are..." I gulped, feeling a little responsible all of a sudden for that proud family's woes. It's true that I didn't care much for them, but even I didn't mean to carry our feud that far. To take my mind off of things, I decided to bring up the long-delayed subject of a possible portal back to Earth...

Twilight hadn't quite finished yet, though. "... Are we lucky, Spike? Do you feel lucky, right now?"

"Huh?" I had no idea what she was getting at, and I shrugged my shoulders in ignorance. "Sure, I guess so. Why?"

"Because, my dear Spike..." This was where Twilight's quiet, considered demeanor began to diminish rapidly, as her real volcanic temperament took hold. "We just so happen to be standing in the middle of a burning castle right now. You can see the smoke fumes from all the way across town. I've just returned from one scene of blistering destruction, to another. Care to tell me what went on while I was away, and what the scale of the damage is?"

As I found myself being gripped harder, I happened to take a sneaky peek through the steamed-up glass at the growing crowd outside. Four specific individuals stood out... A costumed blue pegasus leading a squadron of similarly attired winged ponies, flying backwards and forwards throwing buckets of water in a futile attempt to put out the blaze... A petrified-looking yellow pegasus with her hooves on her mouth saying "Oh, my." a lot rather uselessly... A fainting white unicorn, the same one as on the picture in Spike's now incinerated room, laid out half-unconscious on a very random couch... and finally the most miserable pony I've ever seen, a pink pony with her mane down around her eyes and a distraught expression on her sad, sad face. Geez, lighten up, dear. Things aren't that bad. How she got that jolly balloon 'Cutie Mark' I'll never know.

Trying to put a positive spin on things, I decided to try and cheer the Princess up again. "Oh, come on Twilight. Let's turn that frown upside down!. You can redecorate afterwards, and it'll be as good as new! I bet I helped you with your hoarding problem, as well. Nothing of value got destroyed, apart from an equal signs poster and some old letters..."

"Starlight Glimmer's precious mementos, including all her correspondence from Sunburst! She'll never trust either of us ever again, and will probably go back to doing evil deeds by this time tomorrow. All that progress with her... ruined."

"Er, okay... bad example. Alright then, how about a load of useless bits of paper hanging on the wall, a boring old chemistry set and a fancy dress costume which is way too big for you anyway..."

"M-My seven-year long research project to eradicate all known and unknown diseases in Equestria! I was so close, too... just one calculation away! A-And I'll have you know, that outfit was my favourite Nightmare Moon costume, of my idol, Starswirl The Bearded! A-and it was a perfect fit... I haven't gained any weight... have I?"

"W-Well, nopony could call you a heifer, that's for sure. Okay, what about all those musty old books? Saved you a trip to the charity shop with those, didn't I?"

"M-My entire library... gone! A-After I spent so long replenishing it. S-Surely it can't get any worse than this? "

"Oops, I had no idea they meant so much to you. Well, surely you can't have valued that rotten table in the central hall. If I were you, I'd have sacked the carpenter. I've seen better furniture in the local home for old fogies..."

"What?!" Now this was the point where Twilight Sparkle really went Full Retard. She dumped me on the floor, and started flitting round the room like a trapped bat, banging her head against the wall while emitting strange choked neighing noises. Uh oh, looks like another candidate for the loony bin. How I have this kind of mentally destabilising effect on people/ponies I don't know.

"What will Celestia-gibber-do-gabber-when she finds out-gabber-that the map room is-gibber- no more?!" My God, she really has fallen off the deep end. For all you history buffs out there, this is just like what happened with mad King George.  "Forget magic kindergarten... I'll be lucky not to be sent to Tartarus afterwards! What am I supposed to do now?!"

"W-well, it's not all bad..." I attempted to calm her down, as sweat poured down my brow, and not just because of the intense heat that was starting to filter into the room..

"Wait... what?! How is it 'not all bad' Spike? Please enlighten me, because I really want to know..." Twilight seemed uncommonly hostile for some reason as she cornered me, and her breath stunk. Haven't these ponies heard of Aquafresh?

"Well, I managed to save this..." I showed her the ruby I'd stolen from the dragon's stash, which I was going to use as a deposit towards a Nintendo Switch, when I got back to where I once belonged. "You can have it, to help pay for any repairs you need done as an indirect result of my shenanigans..."

"You're... giving this... to me... to help pay... for any repairs?!" Twilight quietened down for a minute, as a strange mauve light began shining in her eyes.

"Yes, you don't have to thank me. It's the least I could do." I said with a hint of self-indulgence. It was a pretty generous offer, I thought smugly.

But rather than reward me with a much-deserved pat on the back, or a "Well done, Spikey, have a raise," All I got in return for my hard-fought efforts was a giant AARRGGHH, and the Princess flying like a juggernaut out of the room to smash through the more-fragile-than-it-seemed crystal wall, knocking me over sideways in the process and showering me with sharp fragments.

"Huh, well that's gratitude..." I picked myself up, shaking my head in disapproval at her uncouth behaviour. "And most impolite. Well, that's the royal family for you, I suppose. So full of themselves, they just don't understand the working man... or dragon, for that matter.

I was just about to pick myself up to continue my quest to find a way off this human-forsaken world, when suddenly this burning wreck got another couple of unexpected guests. A white unicorn male came trotting into view, accompanied by a flying pink equine, who also had a horn and wings like the fruitcake who'd just escaped by self-demolishing part of her own castle. Ugh... I gotta find out what those creatures are called. It's starting to annoy me.

"Hi, Spike..." The stallion gasped, as if he'd running for a while. He appeared to be wearing some kind of soldier's uniform. Great, just what we need around here, a dumb army guy. "Is my sis okay? Me and Cadence came as soon as we heard about the fire... Is there anything we can do?"

"Sure, sure. Just go outside through the impression Twilight left in the wall, and follow the trail of bitterness. She's having another one of her little tantrums. Honestly, I don't know what to do with her sometimes..." I replied, guessing who he was referring to. I just didn't care at that stage... I just wanted to get out of this ill-fated domicile.

"It's a good job it's Twi's turn to watch Flurry Heart this month..." Cadence responded, sweetly. She was actually kind of attractive... as far as mares go. I bet she'd sell a million plushies, too."...Or we would've been miles away. Spike, do you mind holding her for a minute, while I go and talk to Twilight, and Shining Armour heads upstairs to see what's what? I think it's about time for a certain's foal's nap, anyway..."

Before I could even say "No way, jose." I found the bundle dumped into my lap, while each parent went on their respective missions. Great, now I'll have to linger here a bit longer... there's no way I'm taking a baby with me on my travels. I've always used protection, to avoid this kind of outcome. So thanks, but no thanks.

In between all the charred ruins, burning rubble and prolonged screams of agony though, I found myself feeling unusually sorry for the little tyke. "Fancy growing up in a world as crazy as this, eh? Poor blighter doesn't stand a chance..."

I instinctively took a nibble of the jewel I still clutched (what, you mean dragons eat gems here? Well, there goes my super new console...) and decided to take a sneak peek at what I was temporarily caring for. Hopefully, it'll resemble it's pretty mother, and less it's stolid father.

UGH! It was much more hideous than both. A pasty-pink, big-eyed, gurgling monstrosity with wings and a horn, it blew spit bubbles at me as I viewed it with contempt. I care not much for babies or kids, but even compared to my usual low standards, this thing was a true abomination.

With utter revulsion, I went to pull the sheet back over the creature, thus preserving my vision of this horrible sight...

And that's when 'it' happened again...

At the worst possible moment. 

Suddenly, I found myself in a full nappy, a cute outfit and absolutely brimming with magical ability...

While a massive dragon-shaped head towered over me, somewhat befuddled. "Huh? Why's Flurry Heart here? Why isn't the floor waxed yet? And why do I smell smoke? Oh no, my comic books... and specially commissioned artwork..."

But that's all I heard, as the lady had said earlier 'it was almost time for my nap'. I fell into a deep, dark sleep, and even the  chaos and devastation being wrought around me couldn't stir me from it.

Nighty night everypony. zzzzzzz....




> Part 6: Flurry Heart
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The perception of warmth. Tenderness. Security. Love. Those are the feelings that greeted me, as I began to stir from my long nap.

Could the last few hours have been nought but a terrible, horrific dream? Did Arsenal football club win their last match, my last rent cheque actually clear in time and my continuous body-swapping be but a deluded figment of my overactive, drug-saturated imagination?

'Fraid not.

"...Wow, I've never known her to feed this well before!" Wait, who said that? A woman's voice...

"I know! She slept all the way back on the train last night too, and even let me change her in peace! All that traveling must have really taken it out of her." A man speaking now... why can't I open my eyes?!

"We should accept far less public engagements from now on my love, these are the best years of our angel's life, after all. It seems so selfish to drag her around Equestria with us, especially the way things are now." There's that lady again... DAMN IT! I need daylight. Now. This is not a request.

"Who'd have thought thing'll deteriorate so quickly in just one day... Starlight Glimmer summoning an ancient army with her time travel spell to terrorise ponies because her personal items were destroyed... Spike taking refuge in the Dragon Kingdom over his implausible destruction of the Castle Of Friendship... Princess Twilight flying off in shame because she feels that she let everypony down... The hospitals being full-to-bursting of ponies suffering from burns, smoke inhalation and endemic madness... what is the world coming to!?" The poor chap sounds a bit sad, although it was nice to get an update on current events. But even so, EYELIDS! Obey my command, and move. This is not a drill!

"I don't know, darling. I heard from Celestia that things haven't looked this bleak since Discord's heyday. She's giving a speech later on alongside Luna, to reassure the populace. But one thing I can tell you is, whatever happens I'll stand by your side until the very end. Me Princess Cadance and you, Shining Armour, together forever... not forgetting our precious daughter too..."

At this point I finally got my peepers open. I quickly wished I hadn't.

"...Flurry Heart! Well, hi there sweetie!" A beguiling pink image in bright, serene light almost blinded me, and I felt oddly comforted. "Sorry that yesterday didn't exactly go as intended, but welcome back to the land of the living my love! As soon as I've finished nursing you, we'll run you a nice, hot bath... then take you to see uncle Sunburst! Won't that be nice?!"

Oh great, now it's all coming back to me. I somehow conspired against myself to inhabit the puny form of this ugly infant, and now I was God-knows-where listening to my 'parents' babble on while I had a tit in my mouth, and...

Wait a second! What did I just...

My eyes quickly focused on my surroundings, and although my vision was still slightly bleary due to my extended sleep, one thing that was readily apparent was that I was swaddled in a tight blanket that precluded all but the slightest of movements, and my small personage held real close to this pink mare's belly, where...

Free drinks were on offer. Also, I was sucking on a nipple. Usually, both of these statements taken in isolation would be thoroughly welcome. Together though, in the current context, they were utterly mortifying. Not to mention disgusting.

Reader, I swear on my erotic playing card collection. I did my utmost to tear myself away from my 'mother's' nurturing, I truly did. But, whether it was something primeval or natural or whatever, I just didn't have the willpower... and the warm milk continued to cascade into my bloated tummy unabated, and I had no choice to settle into the rhythm.

After what seemed like a lifetime, when my stomach was teeming with her lactation and I thought I'd never get the taste of cream out from my mouth again, I was finally released from my confinement. My new female 'parent' unwrapped me, gave me the most adorable maternal smile ever, and then proceeded to place me on her shoulder while patting my back gently. I knew what she wanted me to do, but it ain't gonna happen. I'm better mannered than that, honest. 

Except for on a Sunday morning, around 1 A.M. Be there. Bring money for kebabs.

Nevertheless, that moment of tranquility finally gave me a chance to look around my new digs. Ignoring my idiot 'father' simpering away in the background, the whole place seemed constructed from the same crystal material that Twilight's castle (RIP) was designed from, albeit much more shiny. There was a massive four-poster bed in the centre, and a plush cot nearby, so at least I knew where I was gonna kip from now on. Hopefully, I won't be stuck in this repugnant form for more than a few hours, but if push comes to shove I will be giving my new 'parents' a few sleepless nights, you can bet on that.

The entire chamber also seemed packed to the rafters with sparkly purple stallion guards, which also unwittingly exposed the inherent sexism of this society. Apparently, the men where only good for jobs involving manual labour and soldier duty, whereas the females got all the interesting, intellectually rigorous stuff. If I was in my normal body, I would certainly  circulate a petition with thousands of signatures protesting at the blatant unfairness of this arrangement, as well as organise a jam-packed march to Celestia's castle to draw attention to our cause. The suffragettes would have nothing on my 'movement'!

Sadly, as of right now, I was a little too young to stay up past my bedtime attending such an event. I was also completely the wrong gender. Let's put a rain check on it, shall we?

"BBUURRPP!" Went the coarse noise from my throat. For some peculiar reason, Cadence and Shining Armour found the ill-mannered flatulence really cute, and congratulated me on my unforeseen discharge of gas. I dread to think of the kind of accolades I'll earn if I wet myself later on. Perhaps they'll reward me with the Nobel Piss Prize.

Unfortunately, my rampant humiliations were only just beginning. After I was juggled between both cloying parents for at least half an hour while being hugged and kissed to submission (my gurgled protests just increased their sickening veracity, so I soon stopped) it was time for a wash.

Oh, man. That is not an experience I particularly want to relive, so I'll keep it brief. Needless to say, as my 'pretty' mane was shampooed and rinsed thoroughly, my too-big-by-half wings were preened and cleaned and the insistent sponge scrubbing my groin area reminded me what I'd lost, I began to wish I'd dumped that stupid baby in the castle to incinerate while I made good my escape.

Now however, I was that stupid baby, with embarrassment upon degradation just stacking up. Apparently, some people fantasise about experiencing this kind of age regression... well, you can count me off that list straightaway. Particularly in the form of a four-legged animal. Each to their own, but I prefer to be treated with a bit of dignity, thanks. No disrespect intended.

Then, it was time for a nappy change (totally unfair, I hadn't even soiled myself yet) and I had to shut my eyes and think of England as talcum powder was rubbed everywhere onto my furry butt, while cold cream was quite liberally spread around my new 'special area'. If I have to go through this type of tortuous procedure three times a day, I may well look into impaling myself on my own horn at some point.

Lastly, there was the meet-up with good ol' Uncie Sunburst, a pleasant sort of guy if a little nerdy. I recognised him from Starlight's picture, and he was every bit as geeky as his bespectacled appearance might suggest. He was also very dull, chuntering on about various boring magical-related junk. He told me he was glad I was around to listen to him, because everypony else just made their excuses and left. Brilliant, so it's a hostage situation now. 

Hidden amongst all the tedious bluster, there also seemed to be a distinct undercurrent of sadness, possibly because his old friend Starlight had betrayed the nation  and one day the two of them may have to face off in battle. Little does he know  that the main instigator behind her treachery was right under his muzzle. The innocence of children, eh?

After my excruciating ordeals were over, and despite my extended slumber earlier, I was beginning to feel a teensy bit drowsy once more. My 'parents' obviously knew this, and went to deposit my half-conscious form in the cradle, all the while singing an out-of-tune lullaby the cat's choir would've been proud of. After yet another hugging and kissing session (seriously guys, get a room) they tucked me in, said their saccharine goodbyes  and turned on the nightlight. Not that I have anything in particular to be afraid of, since all of my worst fears are coming true right now.

I did briefly entertain the notion of busting the joint there and then, while experimenting with these new implements of mine. With my powerful horn, I could quite simply blast a hole through the wall, and these wings look like they could easily carry my minuscule weight if I flew away. Surely worth a try...

But again, my young body's requirement for rest deceived me, and soon dreamland came a-calling once more. The last thing on my mind as I closed my eyes was that in my dishonourable list of 'worst transformations', we can proclaim a new winner.
...............................................................

"Hey guys, big rave at my place tonight! It's going to be a total riot!" Freddie said, as we all sat 'round the pub table drinking our sorry lives away.

"Great! You bring the booze... I'll bring the babes!" Eddie always was a bit of a ladies man. Mainly because he happened to be the only one of us losers with a paying job. As a professional u-bend scrubber, natch.

"Can't wait! Maybe one of these days I'll find a bird who'll want to sleep with me..." Bennie pondered optimistically, which made the rest of us laugh our socks off. We don't know too many blind, deaf, dumb and smell-impaired girlies, after all. Sorry, Benster. We love you anyway.

"Yeah, I'll be there dead on time!" I stated, waving my arms in the air out of sheer excitement. " Go, party boys!!"

Upon hearing me speak, the rest of my mates turned around to regard me with bemused sneers. "What are you talking about..." Freddie said  derisively. "You can't come..."

Eddie also shared his unwanted opinion, which seemed to be in the same ballpark as his friend with the rhyming name. "Yeah, when I said I was bringing 'babes', I was thinking just a little older. Stay at home and suck your dummy, or something."

Even that deadbeat Bennie was  starting to score points against me now. " Yeah, having an ankle-biter there would totally cramp my style. Besides..."

At this point, all three of my so-called buddies shouted in unison: "No animals allowed"!

I wasn't sure what they were referring to until I glanced down, and what I saw led me to give out the biggest wail. My wee four-legged equine self was sat up in a high chair with a big horn sticking out and fluffy pink mane running free, as I 'enjoyed' some juice from a sippy cup. Not forgetting the bib tied securely around my neck, on which were printed in big, bold letters 'MOMMA'S LICKLE PWINCESS'.

I really began turn on the waterworks at that juncture... What had happened to me... I was just learning to drive, now I couldn't even reach the pedals... and  those big, scary men were so mean... I wanted my blankie!!

"Aww, is the cutesy-wootsy baby gonna cry?" Freddie mocked me by rubbing his hands over his eyes.

"Here's some loose change, go and call a WAHmbulance." Eddie clearly found my suffering hilarious.

"Come on guys, let's leave Miss Poops-A-Lot to flood the place in peace..." Bennie said, clearly making the most of not being the butt of the gang's jokes for a change."We'll go and find a drinking hole that isn't becoming more like a creche." After all the times I defended him from the bullying of the others. Dickwad.

After their scornful departure, I continued to bawl relentlessly to such an extent that other patrons began to empty their pint glasses and leave in disgust.  Eventually, this loss of business attracted the attention of the less-than-happy owner,  who stormed over to my seat, untied me from the straps and said in an unremittingly harsh way "Cost me my regular customers, eh? Well, there's only one place for you now... " 

It's as he was about to unceremoniously fling me over the fence, into the middle of a sprung-up overnight nursery where lots of other whining tots and condescending adults were ready to persecute me, that it happened. Suddenly, a bright dark light (if such a thing is possible) shone over everything, causing all life-forms  present to shield their eyes, as a resounding voice boomed out: "BEGONE!!"

Instantly, it was if everything in the immediate area was made of sand and a gale-force wind was sweeping the vicinity, as the whole enchilada, from people down to nearby buildings, was swept away by it. The only things that remained were a solid white background, me thrashing around feebly on the ground where I'd been dropped, and a giant black pony that now descended from on high glaring at me. (For you UK readers, it kind of looked like the nag on the Lloyds TSB logo.)

I was absolutely spellbound at this magnificent creature's appearance, and vowed to thank her fervently for saving me from a fate worse than a thousand nappy changes and some clueless tosspot jangling some keys in my face for years to come. But of course, I was still in my helpless infantile state, so my expressions of gratitude were nothing more than a few incoherent gurgles.

"I sensed thou was in great pain, so I came to see thou..." The creature landed gently next to me, and it's bombastic tones revealed that it was indeed a 'she'. "Sad that one so young would be dreaming of such strange, disturbed images. May I ask thou where you came across these wicked creatures, so I can best help thou?"

Boy, she sure does like to talk the old-timey language. Hopefully though, she'd make a lot more sense to me than Shakespeare. That essay I wrote as a graduate was a solid 'A', I tell ya. The exam adjudicator was just jealous because I came up with a much better ending for 'Romeo And Juliet' than the bard ever did. I mean, ritualistic suicide? Seriously, this isn't Jonestown. Everyone knows... it should have concluded on a wedding. You'd think the guy was trying to write a tragedy, or something.

Once more I tried to speak, express my view on how messed up everything was, and how I planned to dump my false friends as soon as I got back after this glimpse into their true natures, but yet again I could produce nothing but baby babble... the occasional coo notwithstanding.

"Oh I forgot, thou has not learned to talk yet..." The magnificent mare grinned cordially at me, revealing that her teeth were as pale as she was dark. "Alas, that is something thou is going to have to grow into themselves. Anyway, let me introduce myself properly. My name is Auntie Luna, and I am the princess of the moon. I am here to help thou with thy problems, such as they are. I know thou to be Flurry Heart, future heiress to the Crystal Empire. Please let me see thou up close, so I may help thou better..."

Auntie Luna took it upon herself to stride casually forward and lift me up, while holding me firmly in her strong hooves. Staring in her deep pools of black, I couldn't help but be awed by the sheer power emanating forth from this supernatural entity. Heck, even her own mane seemed to be blow-drying itself. In this world, she must be what they call a 'God'. On Earth, more like a potential front cover for a Meatloaf album sleeve. 

"Thou must not be afraid of me..." She stated serenely, as if sensing my intimidation. "It is a long time since I hath committed evil acts, indeed I used to torture myself over my past conduct every single day. But I soon discovered that helping others was the true way to wipe thy's slate clean, and assisting my niece in getting a good night's sleep will be part of that healing process. Now, let me see what causes those two-legged demons to appear in thy's head..."

Auntie Luna gripped me tightly and concentrated. I could feel a tinge of light-headedness wash over me, as her magic began to take effect. One thing I wasn't expecting in my life was so be given a psyche evaluation by a pony, but considering all the other.crazy stuff that's gone down recently, I just decided to roll with it. After all, I've been turned from a strapping, highly desirable (stop laughing at the back) young lad to a snot-nosed, incontinent baby... what's the worst that could happen?

"Hmm... I sense thou is experiencing a great deal of turmoil..." She announced, while analysing my thoughts. "Thou feel trapped where thou are right now, and that there's nay chance of escape. I can relate, as I hath spend a millennia on the moon, due to her past misdeeds..."

No shit, Sherlock, of course I'm 'trapped'. In a whole different universe, to boot. Still... pretty impressive deductions so far. Madame Zorro has nothing on this broad when it come to fortune-telling. But, now that she mentions it, I do wonder what unpleasantness she concocted to receive such a heavy sentence up on a distant planetoid. Murder? Robbery? Oat embezzlment? Foal abus... wait. 

I feel very nervous all of a sudden. The holding, squeezing, touching, words of comfort... it all makes sense now. Next, she'll be offering me candy, not to mention a ride home to see her new doggy-woggy. I've watched enough public information films to suss out the signs by now. And while this body may not be mine for much longer (at least, I hope not), as sure as eggs are best scrambled I have a duty to protect it while I'm in charge.

I try and pull away from the suspected sex offender, but she refuses to budge. "Hold on a minute..." Auntie Luna chastises me, while still receiving raw data from my brain. "Thou must not struggle, as I mean you no harm..." 

Yeah, lady? Tell that to the thousands of other colts and fillies you probably diddled over the years who didn't receive a penny in compensation because they were too ashamed to come forward. I've seen your game before... you wait until your victim is at their lowest ebb to offer your services, and then you strike. Well, I won't be victim no.1001. You can bet your filthy, molesting hooves on that.

Unfortunately, the pervert had me so ensnared in her filthy grasp I could do nothing else but feel her mind probing away at mine, before the next stage would inevitably commence with the removal of my sole undergarment. "Hmm..." Auntie Luna paused momentarily, as if taking stock of the situation. "I'm beginning to get something... but this cannot be. I see images of barbaric hairless male creatures, drinking a strange liquid that makes them off-balance and jolly, before they do depraved things to a female creature, though this one is lifeless, full of naught but plastic and air..."

Yeah, luv. It's called 'getting pissed'. Maybe you should try it sometime, instead of trespassing in other pony's dreams, talking ye olde bollocks. And that thing with the blow-up doll was just the ONE occasion. Also, it was a dare. Come on, who can refuse the call to pour battery acid over your head or swallow a live goldfish, when you have dozens of drunken nitwits egging you on, filming your moment of glory for Facebook Live? At least it's better than rogering living, breathing foals under the pretense of 'helping' them. Shame lady, shame.

"I see something else..." She informs me solemnly, really digging down deep under my inner crust. Yeah so do I, pet. Your name on the sexual offender's register, unless you release me pronto. "It is the unconscious form of another one of the strange creatures, and it is prostrate on the floor. It is clad in a black shirt covered in regurgitated food, and hath a blonde mane atop it's head. For some reason, I feel as if thou has a close connection with this being, which is unusual as I am sure thou two have never met..."

I immediately go from struggling against the forces that be, to hanging on the mare's every word. Hey, that sounds just like... me at the party! Does that mean time stood still, when I left Earth to join up with this mystical safari tour? I have no idea, all I do know is this extra-large equine better put me down right now and return me to my original form, and maybe, just maybe I won't report her to the authorities for this seedy little arrangement she's running here.

"B-But wait..." she suddenly shouts, her meditation now fully broken and her wings spread out wide in a complete state of panic. "I-I feel a great power emanating from thou, and I cannot resist it. T-This cannot be... who are you? Thou is not Flurry Heart. Thou is not of this world. Thou can only be..."

BAM! Without much fanfare at all this time, I suddenly found myself outside the tiny prison of the baby I've been bound to for far too long, and inside the sleek, dynamic form of this 'Auntie Luna'. Usually I would be celebrating such a startling upturn in fortune, but at the cost of being an equine pedophile? I'm not sure if that's a price worth paying.

Fortunately, I'd managed to save Flurry Heart from having to deal with a lifetime of therapy bills,  but of course the imbecilic drooler was far too young to understand the massive favour I'd just done for her. Shooing the tiny nuisance away with a single "Get lost, ya brat." I could only hope her detached spirit found it's way back to her real body in peace. If it didn't? Not my problem.

I can't say I really enjoyed the experience of being a baby again. How I managed to survive two years of that crap as a newborn when I barely lasted two hours of it today is anyone's guess. Worst than solitary confinement, I'd wager... even though I hadn't done anything wrong. Well, apart from causing absolute carnage down below in the world in which I now inhabited... but if it was all accidental, it doesn't count... right?

................................................................................................................

Oops, now I feel myself being shaken out of this dream realm into reality. What's this... that weirdo Celestia is standing over my bed, in yet another palace I've never been to before (can't my tour of all the stately homes wait after until I retire), trying to rouse me.

"Are you awake, dear sister?" She says, an obvious look of concern apparent on her regal visage. It seems that she talks a lot more normally than me, her sibling. Well, the one thing you can't pick is family, so I'll have to grin and bear it.

"No, I'm still fast asleep. Whatever does it look like, you moronic mare?" I answered, frowning. Seriously, why does anyone even ask that question? The answer is always going to be 'yes'. 

Although, it is good to regain the ability to speak once more. I almost scream 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' at the top of my lungs out of pure elation, but I quickly decide that would be too random an act for a stoic mare like Auntie Luna. Copy & paste continues to be a wonderful thing, though.

Rather than be offended by my snippy answer, Celestia seems positively amused. "It's nice to see dear sister, that in these time of hardship, you've discovered the wonders of sarcasm. Whomever you are helping right now, will have to wait. Unless it's an emergency... it isn't an emergency, is it?"

"...Absolutely not." I answered firmly. No way am I returning to pre-school ever again. In fact, I intend to steer clear of any other foal. Until I'm free of this damned soul-exchanging hex, I ain't taking no more chances.

"Good then..." Celestia nods her head in approval. "I need you by my side this evening during our speech, and then together we must pick a new champion..."

"What?" I said, my ears perking up. "You mean... like a battle royale?" As fake as it is, I love a bit of wrestling. "One-hundred quid on the guy using the steroids."

"What?" Celestia looked at me in bewilderment for a moment, before she burst out laughing. "Oh dear sister, while it's nice of you to inject some levity into proceedings, I do hope you're going to be more serious tonight. I need your level-head in helping select our new champion from the other Elements of Harmony, now that Twilight Sparkle has sadly vanished into thin air. Think you're up to the challenge?"

Seeing as I had little else on, I simply shrugged my hooves. "Sure, Celestia. Let's put them to the testia, and see which one is bestia. I do hope we're impressedia..."

My new 'sister' raised a suspicious brow at me, and began to stare deeply into my eyes. "Are you sure you're fine, Luna? A joke is a joke, but it's not like you to carry things this far. I can't help but feel there's something off about you..."

I anxiously racked my brains for some way of throwing off her understandable suspicions, finding only one answer. "Yes, I'm fine. I'll see... thou later."

In an instant, it was like all of Celestia's doubts and fears were systematically eliminated, and she turned to leave the dark bedroom with much more  confidence. "That's better. It was like you were somepony else for a minute there. If that were the case, I'd have had to take certain more... extreme measures, which I didn't want to do after all I've subjected you to in the past. I'll be back to collect you later, for the big announcement. Get some rest until then, dear sister... I have a feeling you need it."

As I watched Celestia's ever-flowing mane leave (it must be a family trait) I attempted to accentuate the positive. I was no longer a thumbsucker. I now possessed powers that any other mortal could only dream about. And hey, I've always looked good in black.

But overshadowing all of this, was a sinking feeling that just wouldn't go away, and it can be summed up in just four little words:

She's gonna kill me.