Who am I?
I am Sunset Shimmer.
But, what does it mean to be Sunset Shimmer?
I remember a lifetime ago; the tender embrace of a loving mother, the kind words of a caring father. I remember warmth and happiness, and I remember being carefree.
I also remember death, when it came for the mother that loved me, and the father that cared for me. Death turned everything I had ever loved against me. It turned my warmth into an icy chill, turned my happiness into despair, turned my carefree summer days into dreary winter nights.
Then, you were there, and all my vision was blinded by the most beautiful, most powerful, most radiant light I had ever known.
You took me into your home, gave me all the comforts for which I would never want again, and gave me a light to chase away the darkness that had consumed me. In return, you asked only that you be allowed to instruct me in the ways of the world, in magic and politics, and for want of your warmth and light I gleefully accepted your tutelage.
In time, I even came to accept you as a surrogate, a replacement to the mother I could never have back. But I dared not speak up, dared not tell you how I felt in fear that you would reject me. I was your student, your pupil and protégé, no more and no less. I would never be the daughter that I wanted to be.
I will never begin to guess what compelled you to show me the mirror that fateful spring afternoon. Maybe you knew what path my future would take, and wanted to show to me the way that you had already seen. Maybe you were curious to know whether I was worth further investment. Maybe you were looking for answers only I could provide you. I cannot say, and there are times that I wish you had not shown it to me, for I no longer see a way to reach the path you showed me.
Maybe in another life, the future you saw would have come to pass. Maybe, the me that you saw in that mirror has made you prouder than you can possibly imagine. Maybe the day has come where we rule Equestria together, as mother and daughter. But in this life, there is only the sadness of a destiny broken for want of power.
The power that the mirror unveiled to me… I will not lie to you and say that I did not desire that power. I did, with all my heart. I wanted to defy your expectations of me, to shatter every obstacle, to surpass every goal, to prove that I was worthy of going beyond the limitations you had placed on me. I wanted to be your equal, because to me, that was the only way to ever get you to acknowledge me as somepony more than just your student.
I should have been patient, as you asked me to be. That power would be mine, in time, and had I known then what I know now, I would not have acted with the haste that I did. I would not have went behind your back to seek a truth I felt you had concealed from me.
What is it that the mirror shows us, do you know? Does it show us things that are? Things that once were? Things that have not yet come to pass? Or are the things it shows lies, meant to turn ponies astray and lead them down a twisted and false destiny? When I saw myself in it, pulsing with a great aura, wings on my back as you watched me with pride, I thought for sure that this was my destiny. That I was meant for alicornhood, and that in my ascension you would finally accept me as your daughter. But the harder I worked to achieve that, the further away that destiny seemed.
For my every attempt to learn the secrets of ascension you rebuked me, and I once again began to accept the hopelessness of my desires. You would never allow me to ascend, and you would never allow me to become your daughter. You cannot imagine the rage I felt within my heart when this thought came to me, and I thought nothing of burning my bridges, one by one. I was angry, and in my anger I lashed out at everypony within spell’s reach of me. I became something that you never wanted me to become, because I would never be to you what I wanted to become. And when I crossed over to the other side of the mirror, my anger only grew with each passing year.
How many years has it been since that time? It seems so long ago, and yet at night my dreams are filled with these thoughts as though they happened only yesterday. I have to ask myself every day whether what I have made for myself is real, and when I realize, every day without fail, that it is, I ask myself whether it was worth it.
There is a part of me that still wishes to be angry with you, to curse your name for damning me to this place so far from home, but in my heart I cannot bring myself to be angry with you any longer. Though I deeply longed to be your equal, to wield the power that would have at last convinced you to accept me as your daughter, I cannot be mad at you for what has become of me. My actions were mine and mine alone. Nor can I rightfully call this place my damnation, as for the first time in my life I have come to experience the magic of true friendship. I cannot say in truth whether the place my actions have led me to was worth the journey it has taken to reach. To at last feel the warmth of the magic of friendship is no small joy, but there are times that I find myself wanting for something warmer.
Princess, I do not know whether you will receive this letter, and if you do I do not know if you will have forgiven me my actions all those years ago. I pray that you have, but were our places reversed I would have a hard time forgiving myself for the things I have said and done to you. But I pray that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, even though I do not deserve it.
I love you, Princess, though I perhaps could have shown it better. You were my mother, whether you wished to admit it or not, and you were my guiding light, a light so strong that even when it went out I could find no replacement, not even among my friends. Their light may have saved me from myself, but it was your light that warmed me when nothing else could, and right now it is your light that I long for most of all. Even if you never forgive me, I will survive, but if by some small measure you find that you can forgive me, I ask only to feel the warmth of your light once again, and to know that I am safe in your embrace as I was all those long years ago, even if it is only for a moment.
Your former student,
Sunset Shimmer.
Sunset Shimmer sighed, taking one last look at the blank white envelope in her hands as she visualized the contents of the letter within. There was no postage, and in place of a proper address it was marked with the plain and simple “Dear Princess Celestia”.
A hurried glance around the empty courtyard revealed the bacon-haired girl to be thoroughly alone. It was dark out, sometime in the middle of the night, yet Sunset had found herself unable to sleep, plagued by thoughts of regret that she had managed to dispel only by transcribing her thoughts into tangible words. Standing before the statue that housed the other side of the mirror’s portal, she found herself lost in thought.
Hers was not a problem that she could bring up with her friends. Hailing from this world and this world alone, they would simply not understand, and nor could she bring herself to write to Twilight Sparkle about her problem. The words she had poured onto the pages of her letter, those words were her; her heart and soul, and nopony but their intended recipient should be privy to them.
Fear took hold of Sunset’s heart, and she knew now that if she went through with her actions, that once that letter left her hands, she would never be able to take it back. Swallowing her fear, Sunset touched the mirror, letting the appendage soak up the coolness of the portal’s surface.
As she shoved the envelope into the mirror portal, Sunset breathed a sigh of relief, letting go of a breath she had been unknowingly holding back.
I would first like to say that I was pleasantly surprised when Twilight Sparkle told me that a letter addressed to me had arrived through the mirror portal, and even more pleasantly surprised to see that it was you who had written to me. It has been far too long since I last heard from you, and since we parted on such awful terms I had been afraid that any chance of hearing from you again had been lost.
That being said, I must admit that your letter managed to dredge up some rather unpleasant feelings within me. The manner in which we parted ways is, in all my thousands of years, one of only two events for which I would gladly cede my crown in order to take back. Reading your words, words which were so fragile and unsure, and counting against them the strong and confident mare that I was blessed to see blossom into adulthood was enough to bring me to tears.
Sunset Shimmer, from the day I met you you were the brightest star I had ever seen. You had a passion that could rival any of the great scholars, and even through the hardship of losing your parents you were undaunted and steadfast in your determination to succeed. I could not have been happier when you allowed me to be your teacher, and every day I watched you grow I felt prouder than I had the day before.
I find myself forced to admit to some selfishness on my part in offering to teach you magic. From the moment I first lay my eyes on you, I could see in you a great passion and potential, and I wanted to be the one to cultivate that, to turn it into a powerful force for good in Equestria. But, when I looked again, I could see the pain that lay behind that passion, and in that moment I realized I wanted more for you than to mould you into my successor. I wanted to give back to you all the things you had lost.
It was foalish of me to believe that I could replace the mother you had lost. How could I? You seemed so strong, so self-reliant, that you hardly seemed to need a mother. So I kept my desires hidden, unknowingly allowing you to suffer under the mistaken assumption that I did not want you as my daughter. Ironic, is it not, that only after we have been apart for so long do we realize the truth that was right before our eyes? You wanted me to see you as a daughter, while I wanted you to see me as a mother, and yet our own misconceptions kept us at hoof’s length.
Showing you the mirror was another mistake, though one that at the time I believed I had made with good intentions. The first time I looked upon it, it showed me a vision of my sister and I, reunited as though nothing had transpired between us. Then, much later, I looked into the mirror and was surprised to see not my sister, but you. I do not believe the mirror meant to imply that you had supplanted my sister in my heart, but rather that it shows us what we desire most of all. That first time had occurred shortly after my sister’s banishment, and though I knew I had made the right choice for Equestria, my heart still ached for having lost her, so in my grief the mirror showed me the vision that was in my heart. When I looked again was not so very long before I showed it to you, and the desire in my heart was that you would accept me as your mother. I saw you, looking as radiant as the breaking dawn, and I knew that you had accepted me. In my misguided haste to see that vision come to pass, I made the mistake of showing you the mirror, hoping that you would see what I had seen. In a manner, you had, but the means by which the mirror chose to show that to you was different from what I had envisioned.
From then on, the spark of passion in your eye darkened, and I saw something else beginning to grow within you. It was a darkness that reminded me of my sister before her fall, and as I rebuked you, I did so not out of malice but out of a desire to see you not forced to suffer her same fate. But I know now that in doing so I only contributed to the hurt that was festering in your soul. For that, I must ask your forgiveness, as it was not my intention to cause you pain in any way, and had I known the extent to which you suffered under the assumption that you were unwanted, I would have done all in my power to show you otherwise.
Sunset Shimmer, to see you succeed would have been enough for me. A pair of wings and a throne beside mine would not have made even the slightest difference in my opinion of you. You are my daughter, Sunset, and though you are not of my blood I am as proud of you as any mother can be of her child. I cannot forgive you, for you have done nothing wrong for me to forgive. You have made mistakes, as all ponies have, but you have learned from them and are working towards bettering yourself, and for that I am so proud of you.
Whenever Twilight writes to me and tells me of your world, of the things you have accomplished, and the things which you are still accomplishing, it makes me smile. But I also feel a sense of sadness, for I wish that I could be there to experience your growth into somepony that others can be proud of, and I wish that we did not have to part ways in such a manner that we did for this to come to pass. However, it sounds to me that you have friends who are willing to help you stand strong, and if leaving the nest is what it took for you to discover the magic of friendship, then in some small sense I am gladdened by your departure. But know that you shall always be welcome in Equestria, and should the day come that you desire to return home, know that I will be waiting for you with open wings.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
With love,
Mom
Sunset Shimmer stared at the letter for what seemed like an eternity, her eyes scanning over each word with precision and care. In many places liquid courage had stained the parchment, smearing words and leaving letters illegible. She had read it for the third time within the hour, and with each re-read the words slowly began to feel more and more real.
“Sincerely, Princess Celestia…” she whispered, only to correct herself moments later with a smile and a shake of the head. “No… With love, mom.”
The digital clock on Sunset’s bedside table read 3:10, the dull red glow reminding her that tomorrow… Today, was a school day. Monday… How had the weekend passed so quickly? She remembered that Friday afternoon, when Twilight Sparkle had stopped by, unannounced and bearing an envelope with Celestia’s royal seal. How she had hesitated, waiting until just earlier today… Yesterday, before finally opening the envelope, terrified of what might lie within.
“Sunset, are you still awake?” A familiar voice called from the hall. “I got up to go to the bathroom and I saw that your light was on. Is everything alright?”
“Everything’s fine, Twilight,” Sunset replied. “Just…”
“Just reading Princess Celestia’s letter again?” The lavender pony princess-turned-person gently opened Sunset’s door, causing the bacon-haired former-horse to hastily attempt to hide the letter, shoving it under her pillow. “It’s okay to let yourself be seen crying, Sunset. I won’t think any less of you for it.”
Sunset nodded, silently removing the Princess’s letter from under her pillow. “I… I thought for so long that she didn’t want me, that I could never get her to see me as her daughter. And it’s only now that I realize the opposite was true, that she never thought I’d see her as a mother. If we had only been able to talk things out…”
Twilight sat down beside Sunset, wrapping her arm around the other girl’s shoulder. “Well, at least now you have that chance. You can have a fresh start. And whether you want to continue using me as a middlemare for letters between you and the Princess, or whether you want to return to Equestria and talk things out with her yourself, I’ll be right here beside you.”
“Thanks, Twilight. Now, I have school tomorrow, and I’m sure you have princess-ey duties of your own waiting for you when you get back, so how about we get some sleep?”
Tomorrow would be a brighter day.
