The battle of the Hoof ended 9 years ago. For some ponies, the scars are still fresh in the mind. As Threnody, a young heartmender working with the Followers of the Apocalypse will find, sometimes the hardest step is getting a Patient to speak.
In the years following the Battle of the Hoof, the New Lunar Commonwealth grew and tried to thrive. The Followers of the Apocalypse joined them in trying to make the world a better place. Threnody, a young pegasus heartmender, works hard to heal the hearts and minds of ponies who went through the terrible trials of the Battle of the Hoof.
But she was rather unprepared for being transferred to the small town of Chapel, to work with 'the Patient.' The heart of a pony is a tangled web in even the strongest of souls. And as Threnody may soon learn, the most massive characters are often seared with scars of the heart.
This story is a deliberate continuation of Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons, with permission and special editing help from Somber himself.
“Much unhappiness has come to this world because of bewilderment and things unsaid” - Sixth Century after the Fall of Nightmare Moon Heartmender Cherry Blossom
A field of red roses spread out before me. I’d always loved this garden. The Memory Garden, if I recalled correctly. Elysium was by far the prettiest place I’d ever seen in the wasteland. I felt guilt over leaving mom behind in Junction City, but… eh, she was well off there. Being good friends with the mayor made you that way, I supposed.
I think what I liked best about Elysium was its contrast with the rest of the gardens surrounding it. This garden was a monochrome red. The others were beautiful blends of all the many flowers the ponies of the Society had managed to save within their seed vaults. But this one… something that made the crimson roses fit.
The bloody history that birthed the New Lunar Commonwealth certainly could be described with the roses. But, in spite of it all, this garden was always peaceful, calm, and relatively untrodden by the ponies of Elysium. Interesting that they called it the ‘Memory Garden.’ What were they remembering or rather, by leaving it unvisited, what were they trying to forget?
The Commonwealth had refused to join the New Canterlot Republic, and as a consequence, relations between the NLC and the NCR had soured. I’d been dispatched along with other Heartmenders to help the Followers ease the friction. The goals of NCR aimed toward reformation the entire country of old Equestria. Meanwhile, the Commonwealth sought to improve itself first, and then serve as an example and support for the wasteland at large. It was no small wonder that they were butting heads over every stupid little thing.
As I wandered through the garden, blessedly alone, something struck my eye. A bit of colour that shouldn’t be there. Furrowing my brow, I trotted over to investigate the little mystery.
A lone white rose grew in the middle of a sea of red.
Mom ran a library back home, which meant that I got my hooves on a lot of books as a filly. What I could remember about flowers was that if you had flowers of another colour next to each other, they tended to blend. Red roses and white roses got you pink. Not a simple plain white bloom like this little flower. I reached out to gently touch it. The flower was bigger than my hoof. Which, admittedly, wasn’t saying much…
“Miss Threnody?” a soft voice called. It was a nice voice, drifting smoothly like a breeze across the flower field.
I looked up for the source of the melodic voice. Balancing myself with a flutter of my wings, I stood on my hind legs to see over the roses. I noted the kerchief of one of Elysium’s maids, spread my wings, and flew over to her row.
“You needed me, miss…?”
The earth pony maid started, surprise evident on her sky blue face. “Oh my. I’m sorry, Heartmender. I keep forgetting you’re a pegasus. Your wings just blend right in with your duster.” She shook herself. “Princess Grace requests your presence. She has an urgent matter that requires your attention.”
“Huh? Did she say what they matter was?” I asked as the mare led me out of the garden, my light hoofsteps barely making sounds on the gravel path. It seemed that even the ground was reticent to disturb the quietude of the Memory Garden.
“I’m afraid not, Heartmender. I would have guessed that it was something to do with the Lady Charm, but normally she’d tell me so,” the maid explained. “Though I do feel Charm is doing much better now that she’s been seeing you, if I may be so bold.”
I was still getting used to the overly formal speech patterns of the ponies in Elysium. I felt like I was tumbling into an old Equestrian romance novel. One about knights and ladies and true love. “Oh, well, thank you very much.” I paused as she stopped to open the gate that separated the memory garden from the rest of the grounds. “What did you say your name was, miss?”
“Feather Fern, Heartmender. Thank you for asking.”
Feather Fern seemed like a rather nice mare. This was the first time I’d been able to speak with her at length. I knew a little bit about her, of course, from talking to other maids in Elysium, and from passing exchanges made in the halls of Elysium over the past few months. Yet I’d never been able to pin her down for a long conversation. I looked forward to learning a little more about her as we made our way back to the country club.
“Miss Feather Fern, it’s perfectly alright to call me Threnody…” I said with a much put-upon sigh. The staff were very lovely at Elysium, but they had picked up this irritating habit of calling me by my profession as opposed to by my name!
Yes, being a heartmender was important. Or, so I thought. Being one of a select few ponies - twelve, to be exact - that possessed the natural knack for helping others mend wounds of the heart and mind. It wasn’t the most practical of talents in my eyes, however. We’d been around for ages even prior to the Great War when the Ministry of Peace identified our particular talent. Heartmenders operated at a more instinctive, subliminal level than what medically trained unicorns created in an attempt to replicate what we could do naturally. It required an endless amount of manuals, and several crude analytic tools that may or may not actually work.
Sometimes though, I supposed, ‘therapy’ had its upsides. Heartmenders are very, very sensitive to their neighbours’ emotions. Give us too strong of an emotion, and our inner magic twists up the emotional magic and feedbacks into our bodies in rather painful ways. The same doctors who claimed to find new ways of making talk therapy more effective also claimed empathic backlash resulted from the silly heartmenders over-taxing their inner magic. Somewhat akin to magical feedback when a unicorn over-taxed their horn.
Thank goodness Velvet Remedy and the Followers had been more open to using us in their drive to heal the wasteland. If the pointy headed mayor of Junction City had her way, she’d have every traumatized pegasus and guilt ridden wastelander on a couch, looking at ink blots, and talking about their mothers. Because clearly it was your unresolved sexual desires for your father that made the Enclave attack.
I think Velvet was instrumental in reforming the Heartmenders as a roving group of healers. When she approached Heartshine seven years ago, she'd been the first to realize that the Followers could not just heal the bodies of the wasteland inhabitants. Not all wounds were physical.
Wounds of the heart and soul were beyond the Followers at the time. So Velvet worked hard to integrate the Heartmenders. The wasteland needed a more holistic medicine. With the Heartmenders, she thought that it was her chance to do something better, above and beyond what anypony else had tried before. She wanted everypony healed.
Like Fluttershy wanted.
Most heartmenders tended to be pegasi, earth ponies, or bat ponies, as opposed to unicorns. Our magic-using cousins were a bit puzzled that they were underrepresented in our ranks. Pre-war unicorns studied us as best they could, trying to solve the mystery, but nopony was able to give a proper explanation. As it stood, of the twelve Heartmenders we had, only two were unicorns.
Feather Fern and I chatted about the gossip in Elysium as she led me back through the palace toward Princess Grace’s wing. The gorgeous marble floors had been restored, cleaned of the blood from the brave defenders who died protecting Elysium during the final battle of the Hoof. Those floors, reflected in the tall, polished silver mirrors that dotted the walls gave the impression the entrance to the country club was larger and grander than it actually was.
As we passed a mirror, I couldn’t help but compare myself to Feather Fern. Sure, we were two different ponies, so comparisons between us were basically mutfruit to tatos. But I was a particularly lumpy tato.
Feather was the picture of maternal grace: a middle-aged earth pony mare and mother of two. She had the flanks of a mare who’d born foals, but the constant work and trotting she did here in Elysium meant that they were still quite shapely. Whispers of jealousy from the other maids suggested that her late husband had always admired those flanks as well. She also kept her sky blue coat well brushed and clean, much to my envy.
In stark contrast, the mirror threw back the more ghastly phantasmagoria of my own reflection. Awkward, gangly, juvenile, I barely came up to her shoulder. My dark brown duster hid my cutie mark, and also made my feathered wings blend in and, as Feather had noticed earlier, seem like I was an earth pony. The dark brown coat I had was only broken up by my blonde mane. Well, my mane and the diamond shaped white mark in the middle of my forehead. I sighed as we passed by the mirror. Yep. Lumpy tato.
I expected to meet with her in her sitting room, so when Feather lead me into the Princess’ chambers themselves, I felt my wings twitching. Why did she want to meet here?
Feather Fern stopped me in the middle of the Princess’ chambers. “One moment.”
I felt myself suddenly feeling very small and out of place in the Princess’ room. Here and there were silvers and golds and silk linens and a bed that looked recently stuffed. I looked down at the bland brown duster I wore that my wings clung to for a sense of security, and felt extremely out of place. But… maybe that was a good thing.
I looked around the room again, eyeing the various highly expensive wares on the shelves. The ponies in Elysium were a lot like this room. Expensive looking. But like that fourth century before Nightmare Moon era pottery on Grace’s shelf, they were very fragile. It was tragic, really, how these pampered ponies had done themselves so much harm, psychologically speaking, by disconnecting themselves from the wasteland. Their crime was not spreading generosity. In penance, they gained neuroses. Somehow, I wondered if the ministry mare Rarity might not find that fitting.
My eyes stopped on a small plushie that sat on a lower shelf. “You’re out of place,” I said, forgetting where I was to go look at the small stuffed pony.
I swallowed as I sat down and picked the toy up in my hooves. Purple mane. Orange coat.
“Hey Scootaloo,” I said quietly, giving the plushie a soft squeeze before setting her gently back on the shelf.
“Sometimes I forget how young you are, Threnody,” a soft soprano voice chided gently behind me.
The speaker was the sort of unicorn that you just curtsied too. Her serene blue eyes scrutinized me with that disturbing mix of serene patience and firm authority. She sat in a wheelchair, her gown concealing the straps that held her in place. In spite of her infirmity, she was one of the most powerful mares in the Commonwealth, and host to the Follower’s efforts to use the resources of the Society to improve Equestria as a whole.
Having Princess Grace as our benefactor was probably the smartest thing Velvet Remedy had done so far for the Followers of the Apocalypse. The Followers were still trying to rebuild and get back on their hooves in the aftermath of the Battle of the Hoof. But with their integration within the culture that was developing in the New Lunar Commonwealth, having a rich benefactor who could help bring caps, food, and medicines to a group of ponies dedicated to rebuilding the wasteland proved to be invaluable to the Followers.
Over the last three years, heartmenders had been active all over the wasteland, working with the Followers to keep the fragile peace together long enough to make a new start. Some of us worked as advisors to important ponies like Grace. Others tried to find more ponies with heartmending talents. And other... younger... less skilled... less popular... less important heartmenders like me... well... we just went and did as we were told. Did I mention that I was the youngest by about five years? I was assigned to the ‘easy’ position of main Heartmender in Elysium, helping random ponies from all over the Hoof. Most just needed a sympathetic ear, though a few had stories that made my feathers crawl.
I scrambled to my hooves at the sound of Grace’s elegant voice. “I! I’m sorry… I just…” I really didn’t have an explanation. I’d just wanted to give the plushie a hug...
Princess Grace smiled at me, and folded her forehooves on her lap. She nodded to Feather Fern, who stood attentively behind the princess’ wheelchair. “You may leave us, Feather. I’m certain the Heartmender won’t be a danger.”
Feather Fern curtsied politely and saw herself out.
“It’s good to see somepony interested in her,” Grace said, lifting the plushie in her magic and setting it on her lap. “Bouillotte never found her to be that interesting. Took to playing rather rough and tumble games with her brother,” she said with a sad smile, looking over the plushie. “Seeing you look her over makes me happy, as I’ve not seen somepony pick her up in some time.”
She looked up, then gave me another of those studious looks that passed over all of me. “Remind me again, Threnody, how old you are.”
To my chagrin, a hot blush crossed my face. “I’m fourteen. But I’ve been using my talent since I was eight,” I replied quietly.
Grace gave me a small smile; the kind that said that I’d made a small faux pas, but wasn’t quite wise enough to know what it was. I did my best to not let my irritation show.
The princess relaxed slightly, but the feeling of regret radiated from the mare, and I tensed. “Is… something the matter, Princess?”
The mare chuckled, looking me in the eyes. “You know, the most damnable thing about you heartmenders is your ability to see through a royal’s stoic image. Perhaps that’s why Princess Celestia saw to it that you all were protected. We occasionally need somepony to call us on our self-deception.”
“Everypony could use that,” I deadpanned.
Grace laughed brightly. “Oh, they could. That they could. Even heartmenders?”
“Even heartmenders, ma’am. I have… had such discussions before with Heartshine, in fact,” I said, swallowing. Don’t sound like a kid, don’t sound like a kid…
Grace’s face fell again, and she allowed herself to show the regret that she’d been hiding behind the porcelain veneer of her makeup. “I have an assignment change for you. One that I know you are going to likely push back against me with.”
I felt my wings press against my back defensively. “Well, seeing as I don’t answer to you, I answer to the Followers, you’ll understand if I take what you say with a grain of salt.”
Grace sighed softly before continuing. “You are being assigned to a new client. This client is to remain secret to everyone. There are exactly a dozen ponies in the Followers who know about her, and ten of them are Heartmenders. You are being moved to Chapel, where you will work with this client indefinitely. Your duties here in the Hoof will be taken over by Cinnamon Twist,” Grace continued, pointedly looking away from me.
I stared at the princess in shock. Wait. Reassignment? Why? On whose authority!? Surely it wasn’t Grace’s. She may be my host and assisting the Followers, but I didn’t work for her! We weren’t servants or anything like that! And no warning? It was Junction City all over again! I was being snatched up and told that I had to move because… because…
“You can’t! I’ve spent months working here. I can’t just... just drop it all for some ‘special client’!” I said, putting as much scorn as I could into those two words.
This happened all the time to heartmenders! Probably wanted me to treat some friend of a friend as a favor. I was nopony’s favor! I’d been making more progress here than any other heartmender had! I was putting ponies back together, getting them back to some semblance of normalcy, and improving the relationships between the aristocracy and the former serfs! I was getting more work done here that Heartshine and Cinnamon had gotten done in the two years before the Followers found me!
The Princess laughed, the sound sharp and bitter: a dry lightning that foretold a coming storm. “Velvet said you might say something like that,” she said, using her magic to levitate an ornately sealed scroll. “So she gave me this. The alicorn Thimblestep is waiting on the lanai to take you to your new home.”
I took the scroll in my hooves and cracked the seal. “May I?” I asked, my voice wavering slightly. Grace nodded as I looked over the scroll.
Threnody,
Hopefully you weren’t too rude to Grace. She didn’t have a choice in the matter and I’m very sorry that I’m unable to tell you in person why I’m moving you. Suffice it to say that I have a client who needs help. I’ve sent the others ahead to try to help.
They failed.
Heartshine and Cinnamon Twist refused to work with this client due to the fact that they fought together in the Battle of the Hoof, and feel they can’t give this pony therapy without some bias on their parts. From what Sandlewood has been telling me, she and Blank Slate are not doing any better than the previous ponies who worked with her. You are the last one I have left. You’re the last one available that’s not given up, and you’re the only one in the area that I can move. We’ve heard rumours of another heartmender out in the Portlandia area, but she’s unable to make the journey, and my alicorns can’t make the jump out there.
This pony is in trouble, and has been for some time. But you are sworn to utter secrecy as to their identity. Nopony can know who they are, where they are, and why they are the way they are. I know you know the limits of confidentiality, but in this case, those limits are suspended. If you suspect anything is going wrong, you are to tell Sandalwood, and nopony else. Not even Slate.
I’m sorry that this is on such short notice, but I recently had to pull Willow Glen out to the Collegiate. The pony you’ll be working with burned her out.
I’m sorry Threnody, this pony is very dangerous, but also very hurt. I’ve enclosed Cinnamon’s assessment with this letter. Grace will likely see you out now,
-Velvet Remedy
I tried not to cry as I stared down at the paper. This must be what it’s like to lose your job, or be handed your own execution papers. I didn’t want to move. I’d just gotten settled in Elysium! I’d finally gotten to the point where ponies weren’t muttering behind my back for being from Junction City...
“Bloody… argh!” I shoved the scroll into my duster pocket and stared at the floor. I could feel the waves of concern washing over me from Grace, but I didn’t care. This… okay, the Wasteland wasn’t fair but this was awful. This sucked. This wasn’t what I wanted at all! I hated it!
A warm hoof rested on my shoulder. I jerked and looked up, noting that the Princess had crept closer in her wheelchair to comfort me. It made me feel very small and out of place.
“I did not want to be the one to tell you,” she said quietly, removing her hoof from my shoulder after I’d flinched. “I argued with Velvet about it for a good hour on my broadcaster.”
I sniffed and frowned. “It’s… it’s fine. I know that the Heartmenders are needed all over the wasteland, and that I could be moved at any time. I just… it feels like I did all this work and my reward is getting reassigned! Like I did my everything, but it wasn’t good enough.”
“That wasn’t the case, Threnody,” Grace said, her hoof tilting my chin to face her. “You have done wonderful work here. My subjects and I are extremely grateful, as are those who made the journey from all over the Commonwealth to see you. This is you taking over for a heartmender who got tired. Do you know how long Willow Glen has been working with that mare?” she asked.
I shook my head. “No. No one’s told me about what every other heartmender is doing. I assumed…” I trailed off, not wanting to admit that I was afraid it was because I was too young.
“You assumed you were too young, and that Heartshine didn’t feel you needed to know what was going on?”
Gee, thanks Grace. “I…” I looked down at my small hooves. “Yeah. Pretty much.” I tilted my head to look at her. “Grace? Do you know if Willow is okay? Burnout is… bad for Heartmenders.”
Grace pursed her lips. “I believe that she’s getting the best care she can from the ponies at the Collegiate. Her injuries were… severe, but she’ll recover.”
“We always do,” I replied quietly. I liked Willow Glen. She was the heartmender who found and recruited me from Junction City. I had nothing but good thoughts and feelings toward her. Hearing that the smiling, pretty earth pony who I knew rather well had hit burnout was… unnerving to say the least. Being emotionally overwhelmed cause physical harm to heartmenders.
Normally, we are just trained to let things go, as to prevent injuries caused by empathic feedback. Literally the weight of emotions and feelings that heartmenders are able to take on sometimes manifests itself as physical injuries if we don’t take care of ourselves very well. And those injuries tend to scar like wounds from a magical energy weapon. The best explanation medical ponies could come up with was that the inner magic which fuels the empathy side of my talent lashes out when it is over utilised.
Just another reason why the duster rarely left my back.
So if this mare was that much of a mess that she burned out one of the strongest mares I knew, how was I going to be able to help her? Just who was this new client of mine?
Sighing, I got to my hooves. Might as well try to make a graceful exit. Even if everything within me was a dizzying whirl of screaming displeasure and taciturn sadness.
Grace offered me a small smile, and extended her hoof to uplift my chin. “You and I aren’t all that different, Threnody. Just know that sometimes, it is justifiable to cry when the world seems the most threatening.”
Again, I swallowed, feeling the tears that were threatening to start running down my cheeks. “I… I’ll be alright. It’s… I just… I don’t like it,” I admitted.
The princess nodded, then pushed herself up in her wheelchair. “I do not envy you, but maybe there’s something I can offer,” she looked thoughtful a moment. “Two somethings, in fact. If you are in need of shelter or a break, please feel free to come back to Elysium. We’ll keep a spare room open for you.”
She looked down to the floor, and her magic lifted up the small plush toy. “Take Scootaloo with you.”
“Princess, I-”
Grace raised a hoof. “I already feel like I’m sending you into battle alone and unarmed. At least let me give you Scootaloo with you. She’s someone to hug when the world feels cold, scary, and uncertain.”
I took the toy under my wing, and squeezed the little stuffed mare tight. “Thank you,” I sniffed, feeling my lower lip trembling slightly.
The princess nodded. “Go get your things, Heartmender. And thank you for your service here.”
With a nod, I turned and left the room. As I made my way through Elysium’s halls, I found myself marvelling just how good a job the ponies had done making it look like a battle had never been fought in the country club. Mostly because I’d not spent that much time staring at the floor.
I was so preoccupied that I ran into Charm on my way to my room.
“Oof!”
“I am so, so sorry, Charm!” I said, picking myself and Scootaloo back up.
The pale mare got back to her hooves. The resemblance between her and her sister Grace was uncanny, but the younger sister’s skull was marred by a ring of ugly scars around her temples.
“It’s okay. I didn’t see you either. I was kinda thinking,” she said, nodding to herself, her eyes a bit dim and unfocused.
After the trauma she’d experienced, it was a wonder she wasn’t a vegetable in a bed somewhere.
“Well, um, that’s good. I… did Grace tell you I’m leaving?” I asked.
Charm had become one of my favourite clients, and now… now it felt like I was abandoning her.
Charm’s face fell. “No. She didn’t. Why are you leaving?” she asked, looking hurt and confused. Which, again, I could feel as well.
“The Followers are having me reassigned to somewhere else. I don’t know why they did, but I’m really sorry to leave you, Charm. You’re doing really well,” I said, trying to offer what I hoped was a smile. I didn’t exactly trust my face to behave and show what I wanted to show.
“Can… I give you a hug?” Charm asked, scuffing a hoof on the floor. Her hesitance betrayed her worries about getting into trouble.
“If you’d like,” I replied. Please do! I mentally pleaded.
Charm wrapped her forelegs around my barrel, and I returned the hug, yet again cursing Velvet, the world, and Grace for putting me in this spot. Moving itself was going to be traumatic enough. This… saying goodbye to a client I’d had for a year? This was just torture. I suppressed the urge to sob, and released the hug, but held Charm at foreleg’s length away from me.
“Just keep up what we started, Charm. You’re doing wonderfully, and I know that Cinnamon Twist will take good care of you,” I said, again offering what I hoped was a smile.
Charm simply nodded. “I don’t like Cinnamon, but I’ll try,” she admitted. “Goodbye, Threnody. Come back soon, okay?”
I sprinted the rest of the way back to my room so nopony else could see my tears.
I met Thimblestep out on the lanai. The massive purple alicorn towered over me but offered a reassuring smile.
“Hi! Honestly, I was expecting a batpony when Velvet sent me out here to meet you. At least, with your really nifty and interesting name, I did. I’m Thimblestep, and I’ll… well, more or less be your taxi today,” she said with a grin.
“Thank you, Thimblestep. You know, you don’t have to teleport me if it’s a bother. Just tell me where I’m needed,” I said, stuffing Scootaloo into my saddlebags.
The alicorn shook her head. “Boss says you need to be ported in. I think it’s because they’ve got four of my green sisters guarding the house. Are you all ready to go?”
“Just where are we going?” I asked, taking a step closer to the alicorn as my heart began to race.. “I wasn’t told much, other than I was needed.”
“Well, that just makes this an adventure!” Thimblestep said, grabbing me about the waist as her horn flared.
My stomach lurched as I had a brief moment of feeling like I was in two places at once. Teleporting was weird, unnatural, and I never, ever wanted to do it again! I stumbled away from the alicorn.
“That was… let’s never do that again…” I stammered, waiting for my inner ear to decide what direction was up before I tried to get my bearings. Oh look. Dirt! Well, that was a start.
I very quickly realised we were at the edge of a settlement, though one I didn’t recognise. It appeared to be rather close to the Core, as remnants of the twisted steel spires could be seen at a distance. A river bubbled close by, making its way toward the massive lake that had formed after the disaster that nearly destroyed the world.
I looked around, looking for something familiar, but found nothing. I hadn’t been here before. All that was in front of me was a rather large home that, impressively, was still intact. I couldn’t help but feel like this building was judging me. It was an imposing two-story structure, with some gothic elements to the façade.
“If this were a bad horror novel, I’d say the monster lived in there,” I quipped, mostly to myself.
Thimblestep chuckled. “Come on, little one. I’ll introduce you to Sandalwood.”
The alicorn led me around to the South side of the building. The view of the river now included a bridge, and it looked like a makeshift wing had been hastily added to the building. Whatever it was, it utterly ruined the aesthetics. However, it did strike me that the new addition appeared to be the only thing keeping the house from collapsing into the river. Thimblestep knocked on the door with a hoof. Moments later, the door creaked open.
I started as a strawberry roan unicorn poked her head outside. “Oh! Thimblestep! Welcome back! Do you have Threnody with you?” she asked, looking around for me.
I cleared my throat. “Down here,” I offered, trying not to frown as I realised that my boss-to-be was looking for a slightly taller pony.
“Oh! I’m sorry about that, dear, I thought you were-”
“Older. I know. I… get that a lot,” I said, my irritation at the situation seeping through my emotional blocks.
The other heartmender frowned. “I see. Well, come in! We have a lot to talk about,” she said, stepping out of the doorway. “Oh, and you can come in too, Thimblestep.”
The alicorn shook her head. “Thank you, but I’ll pass, ma’am. On my way back to the Collegiate now.” She saluted with a hoof, and in a blink, was gone again.
I looked back at Sandalwood. The mare wasn’t doing the best job hiding her feelings of concern. Then again, I wasn’t really hiding my upset at being pulled from Elysium either.
“Who is my new client?” I asked, still standing outside the door. I didn’t want in on this until somepony decided to give me a straight answer!
Sandalwood scratched the back of her neck. “Threnody, did you even read the assessment that Velvet sent you?” She asked, tilting her head.
My face suddenly felt like it was about to burst into flames. “Oh… yeah…” I said, rifling through my duster pocket for the letter. “I…” Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit!
Sandlewood sighed and shook her head. “Come inside, Threnody. I’ll catch you up.”
Head drooping, I took the mare’s invitation and entered the small home. It was a simple affair: a stove, some tables, a worn out couch, and it looked like three bedrooms that were all somehow tossed together with old boards, metal, and possibly bubblegum. This was not what I wanted at all.
Sandalwood sat down on a chair at the table and raised a hoof. Her dark brown eyes studied me as I sat down and pulled the included assessment out of my duster and set it in all its crumpled glory on the table.
“I knew we had a young heartmender, but I was expecting a batpony with your name,” she said, ignoring the assessment for now.
Oh, this is how we’re playing it. I’ll be assessed before the client is… I sighed. “My mother was fond of old books. Tried to build a library while we lived in Friendship city. That’s why she named me Threnody. I was a sad reminder that she no longer had my dad. But when we moved to Junction City, I discovered my talent for heartmending. I worked sort of off the radar until I met Willow,” I recounted, rambling as I wasn’t sure what Sandalwood was looking for from me.
The mare relaxed, then chuckled. “You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve… been assigned to this post as the head Heartmender for some time, and knowing that you’re the last one we have has been… a little disheartening.” She raised a hoof. “And I am not commenting on your age. It’s just that literally every pony before who’s tried to work with her hasn’t worked out or has gotten burned out. Willow was hoping that she made some progress before… well…”
I nodded. “She’ll be okay, right?”
Sandalwood’s expression softened. “I keep forgetting that you two know each other. Yes, she should be. The last time we spoke she said she was going to take another month off before getting back into it. The scars still weren’t healing as well as Life Bloom would like.”
I shrunk down into the chair. This was not making things any easier. At the very least, it was going a long way toward disturbing my calm. I felt my wings twitching on my back.
“Blank Slate is with her now. We usually try to trade off days when we’re working with her, but… it’ll be good to have some backup,” Sandalwood admitted. I mentally noted that I sensed she wasn’t lying.
“Who is she?” I asked, still not looking at the paper in front of me. I was getting really curious now as to why Sandalwood wasn’t even calling her by name. It bothered me on a level I couldn’t quite explain.
Sandalwood regarded me for a long moment. “What do you know about Security?”
“That she’s dead.”
Sandalwood opened her mouth, then closed it. Her hoof tapped the edge of her chin. “Not… quite. Fortunately or unfortunately.”
I frowned at her. This whole cloak, dagger, and obfuscation bullshit wasn’t really my cup of cocoa. I pulled Cinnamon Twist’s assessment closer to me so I could read it.
Blackjack (born Go Fish) is an 18 year old…
My brain sort of pulled a crash dive and dug a skid into the ground.
Blackjack.
“There was no way. No freaking way. She is dead. She has to be dead! A freaking rock from space fell on her!” I sputtered, my voice cracking into a squeak at the end.
Okay, well, I’d heard stories that she also had a boat fall on her, but there was no way she’d survived a direct impact from something moving that fast, being that heavy, and doing that much damage to the Core!
“Is this a joke?” I asked. “Because it’s not funny if it is.”
Sandalwood shook her head sadly. “I wish it was a joke, Threnody, but no. Blackjack is very much alive and our patient. And, well, not happy about it.”
“She had a space rock fall on her head. No shit she’s not happy about it!” I slammed my hooves on the table. “How did she survive? Hasn’t she died like, eight times already?” Why was this making me angry? I mentally shook myself and focussed on the present moment.
“It was four times, and she got better?” Sandalwood shrugged. “Look, Threnody, all I know is that about four years ago the cloned body that her soul inhabited for a short time while…” she stopped herself, scrunching up her muzzle as she clearly fought to figure out how to explain everything. She waved her hoof. “The important thing is that four years ago, her blank body woke up in her old stable, 99. Since then it’s proven alive, aware, and extremely distraught.”
Okay. Blanks I knew. They were kinda cute, if really dumb. But soul switching? Body jumping? What the hell had that mare gotten into?
“So she’s alive, and very unhappy about it. Cinnamon wrote that assessment four years ago, and… she hasn’t really gotten any better.”
That got my attention. “How so? What’s been happening?” I asked. A variety of maladies raced through my head, the most pertinent, to me, being the one of survivor’s guilt and posttraumatic stress.
“She drinks every bit of alcohol she can get her hooves on. She has constant nightmares and flashbacks. And when she gets too drunk or angry, she’s a clear threat to Chapel,” Sandalwood explained. “The town asked the Followers to step in after she ran away from Stable 99. The Followers then had the Heartmenders step in, and now here we are, four years later and not a lot of progress made.”
“Why?” I asked. What the Sorrell hells was everyone doing wrong?
“She doesn’t want to talk about what happened, what’s bothering her, and allow the healing process to start. She thinks she deserves the pain, and continues to drink like a fish,” Sandalwood explained. “To say nothing of the fact that she’s tried to seduce every heartmender who’s come through here.”
I blushed. “She… well… I definitely need to read Cinnamon’s assessment.” I looked down at the crumpled pages. “Has anyone just, you know, tried listening to her?” I asked.
Sandalwood gave me a flat look, and annoyance surged off of her like a tsunami. Okay. Struck a nerve there with that one. Good going, Threnody. Step right on the beeping social frag mine.
“We’ve tried everything. I even commissioned the Followers to find me psychological textbooks to see if that could help us. Nothing works,” she said, snorting.
I lay my ears back at the mention of textbooks. Of course those didn’t work. Those were books written by ponies that didn’t know how heartmending worked and had to guess! I looked at Sandalwood and decided to hold my tongue. “Well… let’s try something different, then. If everything you’ve tried before has failed, maybe it’s time to try something new!”
Sandalwood gave me a blank look. “Does that work with your clients?” she asked.
“Not really, but it gets them to think at least,” I admitted, my eyes skimming the assessment. “That’s usually my plan, anyway. Get ponies thinking. And I mean thinking, not just ruminating on the same stuff all the time.” She probably feels I’m incredibly naive.
The strawberry coloured mare shook her head and leaned back in her chair. “I just… I’ll be honest with you, Threnody, this isn’t going to be easy. I hope you’re prepared for that.”
I took a moment to study Sandalwood. She had the look of a mare who was nearing her wit’s end while working on a problem. Her coat was unbrushed, her mane just a bit messier than a day or so’s lack of bathing could account for, and it was hard to tell whether she had dark circles under her eyes, or grease smudges. Blackjack, it would appear, was just as rough on her heartmenders as she was on her own body.
“I am,” I replied after a quiet moment. “I’m ready for the challenge, at least. I’m not expecting to walk into that house and fix her on day one. Does she even leave the place?”
“Star house?” Sandalwood asked. She shook her head. “No. We’ve never been able to get her out of her house. It’s only been recently that we’ve gotten her to get out of her room and meet with us in her living room. She always says something about having too many memories there.”
I frowned. “No offense, but have you seen the place? It’s kind of creepy looking.”
Sandalwood blinked at me. “Creepy? I…” She let her chin rest on her hoof. “I guess I didn’t think of it that way.”
I lay my ears back and gave Sandal a flat look. “It looks like something out of a horror novel. If it weren’t for the fact that you’ve more or less implied she looks like a normal pony, I’d expect you to be telling me that we’re trying to ‘save’ the monster.”
Sandalwood frowned. “That’s not a kind thing to say about a pony you’ve never met,” she chided.
I rolled my eyes. “I know she isn’t a monster. But what I’m saying is, look where she ended up. I haven’t even been inside, but I expect that it’s rather dark, dank, and disorganised. Probably has a corner for each type of alcohol bottle,” I grumbled, looking around the kitchen in our quarters.
The kitchen was strangely pristine, especially for the wasteland. Somepony had clearly spent a great deal of time making sure it was tidy. There were no decorations that made it feel like home, however. But somepony had even taken the time to add a dishrack to the sink. A pair of green ceramic plates were drying in the rack itself.
“I’m just saying that sometimes the space around a pony can say quite a bit about them,” I said with a shrug. “Not sure which one of you likes making sure the dishes are done,” I said, pushing my chair back from the table. “Though I’ll appreciate them. I hate doing the dishes.”
Sandlewood appeared to study me for a long minute. Her eyes seemed to fixate on the middle of my forehead, and I wasn’t sure I liked the way she was watching me.
“Are you trying to get a read on me?” I asked. “You could just, you know, ask.”
Sandalwood nodded. “Just trying to figure you out. I suppose we’ll see how things go when you meet with her,” she said, sighing as she pushed herself away from the table too. “Come on, at the very least I can let you set your things down.”
The unicorn led me down a short hallway, past a small bathroom and one very messy bedroom.
“This is your room,” she said, standing out of my way so I could walk in.
It was a simple affair, but clean, like the rest of the wing. The mattress even looked clean, with some simple cloth sheets. I gave Sandalwood a once over. “Where did you get the sheets from?”
The mare blushed, and I found myself a little bit jealous of her strawberry coat’s ability to hide it. “I… requisitioned them. Grace asked if there was anything I needed once we had the wing built.”
“Sheets?”
“I’m from Tenpony Tower, I don’t know how you ponies survived out in the wastes without such things,” she said, looking away.
I shook my head and shrugged my saddlebags onto my bed. “Well, thank you. It’s weird, but I do appreciate the thought, Sandalwood.” A flick of my tail pulled the Scootaloo plushie from my bag, and I tucked her under my wing. “And… I’ll try to not let you down,” I added, giving Scootaloo a squeeze.
Sandalwood’s expression softened as I put the toy on my bed. “Threnody, are you sure you want to meet her today?” she asked, shifting from hoof to hoof in the doorway.
I met her eyes. “Yes, Sandalwood. I’d like to know who I’m dealing with. At the very least, let her know that I’m a real thing and not a figment of her imagination,” I said, shaking my head. “Lead the way, please.” I took one last look at the sheets and the pillow on my bed, and wondered how well the cloth held up to tear stains.
Sandalwood led me out of the Heartmender wing, and up the short steps to the front door of Star House. I pulled my wings close to myself. The place just felt… sad. It was creepy looking, the plants outside were all dead, and if I wasn’t wrong, there were still bullet holes visible on the building’s exterior. The door creaked open ominously as Sandalwood pushed her way inside.
I followed the mare into the dark interior, and immediately crinkled up my nose at the smell. I’d been in some unpleasant places, but this place....
Broken and half empty liquor bottles lay strewn about the floor, seeping their clear and amber, sticky insides onto what once was a beautiful plush carpet. The lone couch in the room sagged in the middle; the arms stained with what looked like many long night’s worth of vomit. To my left stood the tired remnants of a kitchen, piled high with wrinkled boxes, mouldy cans, and a lone cast iron skillet that sat atop the mountain of refuse like a star on a twisted mockery of a Hearth’s Warming Tree.
I tried my best not to gag as the smell assaulted my nostrils. As if the smell of stale liquor and sickness weren’t bad enough, they were merely a portion of the bouquet that was the stench of the house. An odor which included, of all things, the tang of sex.
“Who the hay has been boinkin’ in here?” I wondered aloud, my mental filter unable to keep up with my mouth as I desperately tried to find a way to not throw up.
Sandalwood sighed and shook her head at my remark. “I think that Slate is up with Blackjack in her room. Wait here,” she commanded, then started the careful trot up Star House’s surprisingly sturdy looking stairs, dodging the liquor bottles that cascaded down the stairs as a waterfall of vice.
I didn’t have to wait long for a response from my mysterious client. I didn’t know what to think, really. I’d heard tales of Security, of course. But that made her seem larger than life. Surely some of them had been grossly-
“SANDALWOOD, YOU COCKBLOCKING ASSASSIN OF JOY!” A mare’s enraged screech echoed down the stairs and rattled around in my ears. “I was about to hit it with Slate!”
The stallion, whom I assumed was Blank Slate, my other co-heartmender, dexterously made his way down the bottle ridden stairs with the grace that only earth ponies can manage... knocking over every single bottle in his path as he made a bee-line for the exit. True to his name, he was a blue-grey slate blur that created an avalanche of debauchery and stale beer.
“Luck,” he muttered, flushed as he darted out the door. I didn’t know if he meant good luck for me or bad luck for him.
Sandalwood teleported next to me with a soft pop. “Well, she’s happy to see me. I’ll just… see myself out,” she stuttered before bolting out the door. Was it just me, or was she blushing bright red?
I ducked as a bottle flew down the stairs and shattered on the still closing door. I looked up at the thrower, and... this was Security?
You heard the stories about the mare that was a cybernetic god killer... I never believed any of it myself. Heck, there were skeptics in the Hoof about the details of her story. I didn’t expect to see just a mare. Her red and black mane hung tussled about her shoulders, and bloodshot red eyes peered down at me from the balcony above. Really, with a horn as small as hers, it was easy to mistake her for an earth pony.
“Well, there goes my plans for the night,” she said as she stared with a look... wait... was she going to shoot me? That look said she was going to shoot me!
And worse, with that toxic morass of emotion sloughing off her in droves, I couldn’t be sure she wasn’t!
“What do you want, kid?” Blackjack asked, her voice slurred with alcohol.
I swallowed. Okay. You’ve seen drunken clients before. Nothing scary about them. She probably wasn’t going to shoot me. I quickly looked Blackjack up and down. No gun. Good start.
“Miss Blackjack?” I squeaked, cursing the decision of my vocal cords to crack at that moment. “I’m Threnody, the new heartmender. I think Slate and Sandalwood were supposed to tell you about me! I wanted to meet you. I’m the mare that’s supposed to help you!”
I tried to sound confident, but the words rang rather hollow in my ears, and I was fairly certain I was not leaving the best first impression. She’s going to shoot me.
Blackjack didn’t answer right away. The emotional waste drilling off her was cooling, turning more cold and sticky.
“Uh-huh...” she said as she walked slowly down the stairs, lifting each bottle that Slate had tipped over and setting them upright on the stairs. “So you’re another one of those heartmenders...” she muttered as she stepped closer and closer. “And if I’m too... whatever... you’ll get hurt? Like Willow?”
She didn’t seem to blink as often as a regular pony should as she closed the distance.
I tried to not let myself swallow or shrink down under her disconcerting gaze. “You’re not too… whatever. Broken, twisted, fill in your negative adjectives here,” I said, trying to bore into those hot red eyes with my cool greens. “And… well, it’s a risk all of us take when trying to help others. Willow made a mistake and got hurt. I… I really hope she’s okay…” I admitted softly, laying my ears back at the mention of my mentor. I forced myself to perk up. “But I won’t make that mistake. And… you’re really hurting. I don’t even need to touch you to feel it.” I tried to offer her a small smile. “Will you let me help you?”
The white mare twisted her lips as she rolled her eyes a moment, then leaned towards me. I could smell the alcohol on her breath. “You didn’t answer my question. Yes or no?”
I shuddered as she breathed those words onto my face. I forced myself to not step back a pace, even though she was far closer to me than I really prefered ponies be. I chewed my lower lip anxiously.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I have been hurt before by helping ponies,” I admitted, hoping that she wouldn’t make me strip off my duster so she could see just how badly I’d been hurt by my own stupid in the past. “But I hope I don’t get hurt. I think you’re hurting, but I don’t think it’s bad enough that it could--”
She silenced me with a hoof to my lips. “Nuff said.” She turned and surveyed the wreckage of the interior, narrowing her eyes. Then her horn glowed and something hissed underneath me. I glanced down just in time to see a glowing belt lifting up and wrap itself around my midsection, tying my wings to my side. As I opened my mouth in alarm... oh please let it be clean... a sock was pushed in my mouth. Then the door behind me opened as she levitated me out to where Sandalwood and Blank Slate stood, as if waiting.
“No more kids,” she snapped at the pair before dumping me at their feet, slamming the door behind her, and locking it.
Sandalwood let out a breath. “Well, that went better than we expected, didn’t it?”
I spat out the rather salty tasting sock. Why was it salty? Okay. Nope. Not thinking about it. Eww oh, goddesses, I was thinking about it…
I gave Sandalwood a glare before sticking out my hoof to the two of them.
“Key,” I demanded.
Sandalwood and Slate exchanged glances. “Missy, I don’t think that’s a good idea…” the stallion said, brushing back his jet black mane. His blue grey eyes showed a hint of… shame?
I continued to hold out my hoof toward the two adults.
“Key,” I repeated, this time more firmly than I had before. “I am not a child, and I refuse to be spoken of like I am one,” I said with a slight huff that didn’t quite help my case. “I’m a heartmender, and I have just as much of a right to see her as you two do.” I felt my green eyes darkening to jade as I stared down Sandalwood. “Key.”
Sandalwood shook her head but levitated out a brass key on a lanyard. “It’s not about your right to see her. It’s just... Blackjack didn’t take the feedback she inflicted on Willow well. She nearly banned us from star house all together. It’s taken us days to let her agree to see us at all.” She rubbed her temple, a sign of imminent burnout and feedback. “I really had hoped to make her more amiable to the idea of a new heartmender, but I’m afraid that she’s going to count your... youthful appearance... against you.”
Slate picked up a hoof and lightly pressed it against Sandalwood’s temple. “You need rest, Sandy,” he said quietly, shaking his head at me. “Look, if you want to try, go for it. I ain’t gonna stop ya. Just know that you two got me out of a rather… tight spot. You go back in there, she’s liable to stick another sock in your maw.,” he said with a slight chuckle.
But I noticed that they weren’t telling me ‘no’. After fiddling with the belt that bound my wings, I slipped the offending leather strap off and leapt up to snatch the key out of Sandalwood’s magic. “Then I’ll tell her that she’s stupid and her face is stupid for thinking that just because I’m young I can’t help. I know she’s hurting, and she’s sad that she hurt Willow Glen. But if she keeps on hurting, nothing will ever get better!” I half shouted.
Sandalwood and Slate exchanged glances, then started laughing at me. “Please be a little more tactful than that, Threnody…” Sandalwood chided. “Blackjack does have feelings, remember.”
I bristled, my wings standing straight up. “Oh, I know,” I said, trotting to the door. “I just… want her to know that too.”
I stood at the door for a long moment, key inserted into the lock. I didn’t know what I was going to say that would convince Blackjack that I could work with her. That I could actually help her in some way. I frowned and turned the key, pressing the door open yet again. I took two steps-
And the door was bucked closed right in my face! A stab of pain went right up my snout as I sat back on my haunches, the door locking again in a futile display of defiance. Sandalwood sighed, rolling her eyes skyward while Slate tried to hide his smile.
OKAY. That didn’t work. So I knocked.
“We don’t want any,” came the mare’s reply from within. “Go away.”
“I’m not a kid,” I called through the door. “And I won’t have you look down on me because I’m young.”
There was no answer for a moment, then the door opened. She stepped out, leaning against the mantle as her red eyes looked down at me. “How many people have you killed?” she asked quietly, her voice low.
“Now, Blackjack,” began Sandalwood, but Blackjack just gave her a look. That was it. One look and Sandalwood’s oily fear solidified into a knot of petrified anxiety. Those eyes switched back to me. It was like staring into two tunnels of blood, with only darkness in the depths.
I swallowed. “That’s an awkward question for--.”
“How many times have you blown your friend’s brains out because it was the only way to help her?” she pressed, those blood red eyes seeming to draw me in deeper.
“None. The only pony whose brains blew out was the stallion I couldn’t help.”
“Lucky,” she said as she leaned slowly down towards me. “How many times have you died?” she asked, her voice nearly a whisper, a yearning for that death rolling over me in a venomous wave of angst.
“Never, but I have had moments where I’d wished I had,” I said, standing up straighter as I pushed back against that wave of angst with my own inner calm and understanding of where she was coming from. “Please stop looming, I know you’re taller than me.”
She didn’t say anything for a moment. Then she leaned in and pressed alcoholic lips to mine in a firm kiss. I flailed away from her, smacking her face with my wings out of pure reflex as I staggered away, landing on my haunches. She then gave a little chuckle. “Come back tomorrow when I’m sober,” and then she withdrew once more, closing the door behind her. A second later, it opened and she added, “Oh, and sorry about the snout.”
The door closed as I just stared at the it in bafflement.
“Well!” Sandalwood announced with a smile. “That went well!”
I continued looking at that door, my hoof reaching up to my lightly bleeding nose. I really, really hoped that neither Blackjack nor Sandalwood noticed how badly I was shaking. Why the hell had she kissed me?
“So. That’s the infamous security mare,” Blank Slate said as he sat beside me, putting a hoof across my shoulder. “You got lucky. She thrashed me the first time we met.”
He removed it rather quickly as I flinched at his surprisingly gentle touch. His apology radiated off of him in cooling waves, which, while it wasn’t what I wanted, was somewhat centring.
“Well, at least you weren’t shot at,” Sandalwood said primly, her horn glowing and administering a healing spell that cut the sting in my snout. “You’ve gathered by now that Blackjack is highly resistant to treatment. What I wouldn’t give for some good thorazine or ketamine.”
I shook myself, then gave Sandalwood a strange look.
“Weren’t those like… super bad early drugs that pretty much made ponies into zombies?” I asked, waggling my forehooves at her.
“A zombie would be easier to treat than a mare who is suffering with the amount of trauma she is, can teleport, and can kill you with a thought,” she retorted. “Star house was the only place we could make her agree to treatment, and even then she’s been... particularly difficult. Even for heartmenders.”
My ears pressed flat against my skull. “Well, she kissed me, so what does that mean? It was weird, but was it a good sign?”
Slate laughed brightly. “I… think she just does that. Though if it’s any consolation, she swore up and down that I was trying to look like ‘him’ when I first came,” he said, running a hoof through his relatively short, messy mane. “I ended up dying my mane black so she didn’t feel so triggered by me. Stopped her from trying to kick my ass up and down the stairs.”
“Blackjack doesn’t have the same... standards of morality as other ponies. Even raiders have a firmer anchor of right and wrong than she does. She is...” Sandalwood flushed and brushed her mane back behind her ear. “Inappropriately affectionate.” She frowned as she looked at me in clear concern. “Nopony would hold it against you if you are uncomfortable with this assignment. Blackjack has clear issues with boundaries.”
I just didn’t want her touching me like that again. I shivered slightly, but shook my head. “Uncomfortable is kinda normal for us, right? Who is actually comfortable when you sit in a room with a pony who is telling you about the worst day of their lives? I’m sure not. I mean… I’ll just set limits with her. No touching the pegasus.”
Sandalwood and Slate shared a look. “I am almost certain that whatever limits you try and set with her... won’t last long. She wants you to leave, after all,” the mare said, chewing her lower lip. “I think she wants to be left alone till she snaps. Till there’s no choice but to kill her before she becomes a mortal danger to others.”
“I’ve set pretty firm limits with ponies before. And if she disregards them, I’ll bite her.” I huffed
“I’ll enjoy the foreplay.” Blackjack’s reply echoed out from the direction of the door.
I froze, mortification petrifying me. Sandalwood sighed in resignation. Slate shook his head. “You got your work cut out for you.”
“Despite our differences, we are all in this together. No act of kindness or compassion goes unnoticed. To change the world, take compassionate action within your immediate sphere of influence. To change yourself, start by being still, and making time to listen.” - Head of Heart Healer Hall Winter Willow, year 1 after the fall of Nightmare Moon, to Princess Celestia
If there was one thing that I was very good at in this goddess forgotten wasteland, it was being silent. Blackjack’s kiss had thrown me for a bit of a loop. I don’t really like being touched, so to have her suddenly press her whiskey flavoured lips against mine came as kind of a shock. Especially since it was pretty much the first time anypony had kissed me that wasn’t my mother. I guess it wasn’t any surprise to my fellow heartmenders that I sat in silence, simply trying to find my centre as Sandalwood and Slate prepared dinner.
One benefit of having all the resources of Elysium and the Followers at our disposal meant that food was readily available. I watched Sandalwood as she prepared a simple meal out of roasted garlic flavoured Instamash, while Slate stood beside her, slicing up fresh tomatoes that had been delivered from Elysium’s gardens a few days prior to my arrival.
I liked watching the pair cook. Sandalwood seemed to smile more than she had since I’d arrived as she idly chatted with Slate, and the earth pony stallion always seemed to stand a little bit closer than what was normal for colleagues. I felt a small smile cross my muzzle as realisation dawned. The pair weren’t lovers… yet. However, both were clearly trying, and failing, to keep their affections for each other secret. My smile shifted into a knowing smirk as I watched Sandalwood’s wavy tail lightly kink toward Slate’s, and the stallion lightly shifted on his hooves, moving just an inch closer to the unicorn mare. But only an inch. Never enough to touch.
Heartmenders were funny, I figured. We could feel things more strongly than other ponies. We could follow anypony to the deepest, darkest depths of their feelings. But we too had our own buried sentiments. Which only made it the funnier when it was something like love, moreso when it was so poorly hidden.
…Though I really hoped that when Sandalwood and Slate decided to consummate their love, that I would be working with Blackjack. I really didn’t need to know just how much the two of them were enjoying themselves! Being a heartmender around ponies having sex was way more stimulation than I really preferred to have in my life! Being around two heartmenders, their mutual feelings unmasked and glaring outward like balefire...
I shuddered at the thought, and looked up to catch Slate giving me a look, his eyebrow cocked slightly in query.
“It’s nothing, Slate. Just getting a little bit more of this afternoon out of my system,” I lied. He was clearly unconvinced, but to his credit, he didn’t call me on it.
“Hrm. Well, it’s nice to see a pegasus again. We’ve got a regular gathering of the elements here!” He said, setting the plate of sliced tomatoes down on the wooden table in front of me. “All we’d need would be Cinnamon Twist, and we’d have every type of pony left in the wasteland covered, right?”
I must have made a face. Or maybe my emotional shields that I tried to use to guard my feelings for said batpony weren't doing their job keeping my emotions hidden, because Sandalwood chimed in.
“Now Threnody, be nice!” She chided softly, setting three plates down on the table. I smiled as I watched the soothing brown glow of her magic vanish from the plates.
Her magic is brown. I thought. That’s… actually really cool!
“I know Cinnamon is a little… different." Sandalwood continued "But she’s got her heart in the right place.”
“She’s social sandpaper.” I deadpanned, causing Sandalwood to hide a smirk behind her hoof and Slate to start laughing brightly.
The stallion clapped his hooves together, snickering. “Oh. I like you! You say it like it is! Haven’t had anything that refreshing since 69!” He added with a chuckle.
Sandalwood forced herself to take on a matronly expression. “That’s no way to talk about one of the ponies who may well run the Heartmenders one day, Threnody,” She chided, dishing out the Instamash. “I like to think that she does want good things to happen for our clients.”
Sandalwood, are you my mother? I know this shit! I thought to myself. If Sandalwood was my mother, maybe I wouldn’t be so plain…
Slate coughed slightly, then stuck a spoonful of instamash into his mouth. “Mmm~!” He said, chewing slowly. “Did you add more garlic?” He asked. “This tastes better than normal.”
Sandalwood beamed as I tried her creation. Ooo! It did have more garlic! That’s really good! The strawberry roan unicorn started laughing as she watched me dig into my helping of instant mashed potatoes.
“Yes, I added a little bit of garlic to it. And some sweet cream. The brahmin were producing more than even Mayor Charity could sell, so she gave me some under threat of death if I told anypony about her little donation.” She said with a bright smile, taking a bite out of Slate’s carefully sliced tomatoes. “Mmm~ Delicious! Thank you, Slate!”
A little part of me wanted to just scream at the two of them to fuck already. Goddesses, weren’t we a happy little dysfunctional family?
I cleared my plate quickly, snagged a half a tomato slice, and darted to my room.
“Are you sure you don’t want more, Threnody?” Sandalwood called after me.
“No thank you! I’m good!” I yelled back before shutting my door. I wanted some time to myself. I needed to look over Cinnamon Twist’s assessment of Blackjack, and… really I wanted some space. I tend to sulk a little after seeing clients, so shoot me!
I wriggled my hooves beneath the soft cotton sheets, and marvelled at the feeling. Okay. Well, sheets were weird. But I kind of liked them. It made my legs feel like I’d just trimmed my coat short. Yes…
I snagged the crumpled patient assessment from my bedside stand. I let my dark green eyes wander over the words, taking in what I could about my mysterious new client. Cinnamon’s assessment was remarkably thorough, drawing a grudging mark of credit for the redheaded batpony out of me. Sandalwood was right, she was a very competent heartmender, and was very good at using the old Ministry of Peace Manual of Psychology disorder criteria. I was a little rusty on my MPMP disorders, but I knew how they felt. That was kind of how every heartmender worked. Give us the psychological criteria of the disorder, and we were able to confirm what we’d been feeling. The criteria just gave us words to describe the emotions and hurts that a pony was going through. Give those hurts a name, and it could assist the heartmender to figure out how best to help the client.
Blackjack, however… she had lots of names. Lots of criteria. Lots of issues. Her issues had issues. And those issues had embroidered jackets and set up fan clubs.
I rubbed the bridge of my nose and frowned. Slate wasn’t kidding when he said I had my work cut out for me. Honestly, we all did! Goddesses…
Quiet knocking on my door made me start, and looked up to see Slate standing in my doorway. “Can I come in?” he asked, offering me a kind smile. I balled up at the head of my bed, shifting Scootaloo and my pillows, and nodded. The earth pony curled up on the end of my bed, and smiled as he spotted Scootaloo’s mane poking up from behind my wing. “Foalhood toy?” He asked, breaking the ice.
“Um, actually I got her from Princess Grace. Apparently the princess felt I needed something for this assignment,” I admitted, feeling my cheeks flush. “I was the first pony to take interest in the toy since she was a foal.”
Slate gave me an approving nod, and crossed his forelegs. “I just want to make sure you’re doin’ alright comin’ out here and all.” He said, his slight drawl slipping through. “Blackjack isn’t the easiest mare to work with. Even for somepony like me.”
“Somepony like you?”
Slate smiled. “I used to be a whore that worked in Stable 69. Never got the opportunity to meet Blackjack while she was fuckin’ the place up. But I won’t say I didn’t come out of the experience with the more intimate understanding of the reasons for ponies to be all broke inside.” His face fell slightly. “Or a more intimate understanding of the ways they showed that brokenness.”
A part of me wanted to reach over and lay a hoof on his. The part of me that didn’t like physical contact stopped me from doing so. “Is that experience helping you get through to her?” I asked after a pregnant pause.
Slate shook his head, then huffed his soft black bangs out of his eyes. “Not particularly. She likes sex. Always has. But sex with her is often empty and hollow. It’s there to meet a need, but there’s little intimacy in the act. And she’s very… hard on herself. She wants everything to hurt her.” He frowned, shaking his head. “It’s painful to watch.”
I let his words rattle around my brain for a little while. Wait, sex with her? “Are… you sleeping with Blackjack?” I asked incredulously.
“Sleeping with her? No. Having sex with her? Yes. It’s… a part of my reaching out to her. She desperately craves intimacy, and… as a heartmender, I can be whatever pony she wants me to be. It helps that I remind her of a stallion she loved very much.”
I nodded, not in understanding, but simply to let Slate know I was listening. “So… what does get through to her?”
The stallion leaned back and lay across the end of my bed. “Honestly? I don’t think I’ve gotten to her at all. She doesn’t want me in. I remind her too much of P-21. It’s something Sandalwood and I have gone back and forth on for a while now. I feel like every time I see her, I’m only triggering her more. And dammit, it’s not even my fault!” He stomped his hind hoof and closed his eyes, frustration drifting from behind his emotional mask like a foul odor.
I sat in silence, letting the buck collect his thoughts. He knew better than I did how to handle such things, but I did understand how hard it would be to work with somepony who you made uncomfortable with your mere appearance.
After a moment, he opened his eyes and looked back at me. “Thanks for listening, Threnody.” He said with a soft smile, one that let me see why he’d probably been popular with the mares at Stable 69. “I appreciate it.”
“Well, it gives me a moment to get to know you a little better, Blank Slate,” I replied with a small smile of my own. “You, me, and Sandalwood are gonna be working together for a spell, right? I don’t mind seeing a little bit of the you behind the mask.”
Slate chuckled. “Well, call me Slate, not Blank, and we’ll get along great. But I’ll let you be. Gotta make sure Sandalwood doesn’t need help cleaning up.”
Or see if you can’t create a mess for her to clean up.
I nodded politely, trying my damndest to hide my smile as Slate left my room for the kitchen.
I’d nearly drifted off to sleep, when something woke me. I rubbed my eyes, my ears swivelling toward the sound of Sandalwood’s voice carrying through our small home.
“No.” She said sharply, the power behind her words confirming why I’d woken up. “She’s going to be meeting with Blackjack tomorrow.”
A long pause followed, which made me wonder who in the world Sandalwood was talking to.
“Yes. Yes. I understand that. No, we haven’t made any progress.” Sandalwood sighed. “Yes, I know how frustrated everypony is. But-”
Again, a long silence. “She’s not dangerous. I wouldn’t be placing a filly in with somepony who I thought would seriously harm her. You need-... no. NO. That is NOT an option. One more word out of you like that, and I’ll be personally reporting our conversation to Heartshine. You of all ponies know what kind of damage that would do. How bad it could be for us.”
Sandalwood seemed to wrap up her conversation, because I heard nothing else for several minutes. My mind whirled about, trying to put the pieces together. Who was she talking to? Why did they care? It certainly didn’t sound like she was talking to Princess Grace…
I frowned and shook my head. I’d just have to ask tomorrow. I rolled over only my side, and pulled Scootaloo close to myself, drifting off to sleep, only to dream of being chased by monsters made out of piles of empty booze bottles bound together with duct tape.
When I woke the next morning, I was greeted with the happy surprise that Sandalwood had seen fit to install a hot water talisman and a shower in the heartmender’s home. I spent a good several minutes enjoying the feeling of water running over my wings and withers. Sandalwood had showed me where the towels were, and I found myself more mentally prepared to meet with Blackjack.
I hummed a tune to myself as I trotted up to the massive doors of Star House, but today the Victorian styled building seemed less intimidating. I let myself in, and, hearing snores echoing from upstairs, set to cleaning the place up.
Cleaning was always an exercise in zen for me. I could just lose myself in the activity. I didn’t need to worry about mysterious conversations Sandalwood was having. I didn’t need to worry about Blackjack thrusting herself on me. I could just focus on picking up bottles, and finding my mental quiet space.
Bottles went into bags, and were carefully stacked on the porch for trade later. I found a small broom, and sent to work sweeping the kitchen. I would have killed for a mop, but I made do with what I had. I cleared off the counter, and found an old rag that hadn’t been consumed by mold. The kitchen didn’t quite shine - I doubt it ever would again - but the layers of grime and spilt liquor eventually were washed off. I even managed to find some plates to clean, and took down the beer bottle Hearth’s Warming tree, freeing the dirty skillet from its perch.
The bedroom door overhead opened with a crack and slow steps trudged along the balcony to the stairs. Blackjack moved like a zombie from an old pre-war film. She didn’t even look at me as she made her way into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Her head disappeared inside, then withdrew. “Where’s the whiskey?” she muttered, her red eyes unfocused as she gazed into the empty depths of the refrigerator.
I blinked. “I don’t know. I didn’t touch your whiskey, and I thought you wanted to talk to me sober.” I frowned, realising that I hadn’t seen food anywhere in Star House. “I could make you breakfast if you wanted! I managed to clean and season this skillet.”
Blackjack didn’t answer right away. She just gave me a look, like I’d said something offensive. Her horn glowed and she levitated over a jar, peeling it open. She peered inside and scrunched up her muzzle. Then she opened up the freezer and her red eyes immediately lit up and she removed an ice cube tray full of little amber squares. She popped one out, tossed it into her mouth, and started to chew with a loud, popping, crunching noise. “Whiskeycicles,” she said around a mouthful of frozen sludge.
I winced slightly as I watched her crunch on it. Well, maybe that would help with the hangover? “Did… you get some rest?” I asked, wanting to find a spot to sit, and instantly regretting my decision to neglect cleaning the couch. It was musty and covered in many, many mysterious stains. Mysterious, stinky stains ranging from white to yellow to brown. Oh goddesses. Okay, standing up worked. I could do therapy on my hooves!
Blackjack didn’t answer. She popped out a second cube and started chewing it as well as her eyes just bored into me. She didn’t blink as much as a normal pony should. Then, as she chewed her third, she finally answered. “Kinda,” she said as she stared at me.
I tried to not frown. Okay. Not talkative in the morning. “Have any dreams?” I asked. “I had one where all of the bottles became a giant monster and started chasing me. That’s why I sorta… wanted to clean up a little.” I admitted sheepishly.
“What a coincidence,” she said lightly. “I dreamed I was trapped in a prison full of screaming, flaming ghouls while this gargantuan, bloated monster that was the warden of the place was just about to bite my head off.” She said before popping another cube into her mouth and crunching it. “Of course,” she added around the mouthful of slush, “I once was trapped in a burning prison full of flaming ghouls with the giant warden about to bite my head off, so it probably wasn’t as... mmm... symbolic as yours. Or were you once almost eaten by a giant bottle monster?” She asked as she levitated a cube, jabbing it at me like an accusing finger.
I shook my head. “I’ve never been chased by a giant bottle monster. Never been chased by any monster.”
Blackjack just stared at me a moment, then answered evenly, “Lucky you.”
I opened my mouth, then sighed. “Well, I did get kissed by a drunk mare who loomed over me kinda scarily last night. That was kind of high on my scale of really scary things to happen to me recently.”
“You should be grateful that’s a high, scary, scale... thing,” she said as she trotted over and flopped down on the couch with a sigh, taking the cube still in her magical grasp and pressing it to her brow right under her horn. “So, maybe you’ll be honest enough to tell me... why are you doing this?”
I followed Blackjack, and sat down on my haunches in front of her. I frowned down at my hooves. I really didn’t have an answer for that. A good answer, anyways. What could I say? That Cinnamon Twist said you needed therapy? That’d ring pretty damned hollow, considering Cinnamon hated Blackjack for exposing Redoubt to the world.
“Because you have friends who are worried about you, and they’re worried that your self destructive tendencies will make it so they have to kill you. And they don’t want to do that.” I said honestly, meeting her red eyes. “And because you’re in a lot of pain. Even if you try to wash it away with alcohol.”
Again, she didn’t talk. That stare. That bloody stare. “Pain, huh? You know what the great thing about dying is, kid? The really... really... great thing? It doesn’t hurt. You’re done! You’re over. No more suffering. No more worries. And I should know! I’ve died twice... three times...” she paused and held up a hoof. “Maybe four... not sure if the time my mind was ripped from my body and stuffed into a filly’s head counts or not.”
“But you were brought back. And this time, nopony knows why. That’s got to suck stinky caravaneer balls.”
“Yeah,” she said with a sigh. “I need to try Rampage’s woodchipper solution.” Then she froze and scrunched up her muzzle again, looking to the east. “Fuck...” she whispered loudly. Then she disappeared in a flash of white light.
I don’t hate unicorns. But I really, really hate teleportation. Especially when they teleport and I can’t hear that cute little ‘pop’ sound to figure out where they ended up. “Blackjack?” I called out, standing. “Blackjack?” I fluttered upstairs, and poked my head into the disaster area that was her bedroom. I then poked my head into the second upstairs bedroom, steeling myself for...
There wasn’t a bit of garbage or trash to be seen. The bed was neatly folded and tucked in, though the dust of months of neglect blanketed everything in the room. On the wall were arranged a series of pictures. They had to be Enclave; nowhere else had pictures that vibrant. They were all of the same pony: a gray pegasus mare with a purple mane. ‘Volunteer Corps: Class #1’ was written on one caption. A pair of vases framed the image, with dried lilac fronds filling the air with a delicate scent.
My heart sank as at looked at the pictures, and the lilac fronds. I didn’t know where the pretty purple flowers came from, but I curled up as my chest felt like it was going to cave in from grief. This must have been Glory, Blackjack’s girlfriend. Was this Glory’s old room? Was that why it was so untouched? I took in a few shuddering, steadying breaths, and reminded myself that the grief was not mine, and that I didn’t need to feel it so strongly as I was. I wiped a few tears welling in my eyes, and slowly backed out of the room, quietly shutting the door.
I leaned back against the door, trying to steady my breathing. Slate was right. I did have my work cut out for me. We all did. I wondered if any of the other heartmenders had even been in that room. I wondered what the other bedrooms in the house looked like. Was everything like this? A mausoleum of memories of the dead? Was that why she was still lived here?
“Blackjack?” I called out again, and glided downstairs. Landing in the hall that led to the bedrooms on the lower floor, I hesitated. Did I really want to search the whole house? Or… maybe she went to the basement. My mind, ever the jerk it was, decided to fill the basement with dead bodies of foals that had mutated into some horrible monstrosity that wanted to give me hugs. Thanks brain. Now I really didn’t want to go down there!
I set my wings, and made myself trot over to the basement door. Maybe I could just look, and the foal monster wouldn’t get me. I swallowed, and opened the door. “Blackjack?”
Only silence met my call. I flicked the light switch with a hoof, but it remained dark below. Something was humming down there. The deranged humming of crazed wasteland cultists about to - stop it, brain! You are on notice!
I took in a few steadying breaths, and trotted back into the kitchen. There had to be a lantern… there! I flicked on the lantern light, surprised to find out that the spark battery wasn’t completely spent, and carried it in my mouth as I trotted down the stairs. If something was humming, it was probably Blackjack. And if it was in fact a wasteland cultist who was trying to summon a horrible flesh monster, why would they wait for one scrawny little pegasus filly like me when Slate was a far better sacrifice? Or Sandalwood! She was pretty!
...unless they wanted virgins…
I shook my head as I realised that my mental monologue had let me only get one step down the stairs. I steeled myself again, and forced myself to make the next twenty to the stone floor. And before my eyes were... boxes. Lots and lots of cardboard boxes, stacked up in heaps like the basement had been used for centuries. Though come to think of it, this floor looked like it was centuries old. It was all fitted stone, with the ceiling vaulted slightly. In the corner was the source of the humming: a small gem powered generator that provided electricity to Star House. Well, in my brain’s defence, the low space looked like it could be used for cultist rituals if you cleaned out the boxes and boxes of junk!
I dug through one of the boxes, trying in vain to see if I could find a light bulb for the fixture in the basement. Okay. No cultists, but admittedly, basements were still creepy as fuck.
So were the spiders that dropped down into my mane.
That’s when I started screaming. I dropped the lantern, shattering the glass globe. The breaking the bulb exploded in a blinding flash of bright light, pitching me into the utter blackness of the basement as my eyes were overwhelmed. The dim light from inside of Star House vanished. I couldn’t see the stairs or anything else, and I flailed at my mane, trying to get the spiders out, then started sobbing uncontrollably as I realised I couldn’t find the stairs back up. I was alone, in the dark, there were spiders everywhere, and I had probably fallen into the lair of a giant star spider that was the size of the house and was going to eat me! I was going to die!
I freaked out, batting at my mane as tears ran down my cheeks. I hated this place! I didn’t want to be here! I wanted to be back at Elysium, helping the nice earth pony ex-serfs and unicorn ‘peers’ there! I didn’t want spiders in my mane. I didn’t want stupid Cinnamon doing my job. I didn’t want to be in the basement where I was likely to die alone and eaten by spiders!
I hugged my legs close to myself, and curled up against a pile of musty boxes. Well, hopefully Slate and Sandalwood came in soon to find me. I didn’t want to spend forever trapped in the creepy basement of creepiness in the dark.
It was impossible to tell just how long it’d been before I heard the door creak open and steps slowly descended down. There was a flick of a switch, nothing. “Of course,” muttered a strange stallion’s voice, followed by a sigh. A moment later the stallion said from above, “Where’s the damned lantern? I know I left it here.”
“It broke when I dropped it!” I cried out in relief.
“Luna save me!” the stallion blurted. “Cinnamon? Is that you?”
“No! I’m Threnody! Cinnamon didn’t want to work here! I’m one of the heartmenders! Please tell me you have a light. I want to get out of this creepy place!”
A wan yellow glow appeared, marking the top of the stairs, and then an earth pony appeared, peeking down at me, holding a candle on a holder in his mouth. He set it on a box. He seemed about the same age as Slate, but he looked a little older and more world worn. “I didn’t know they’d brought in another one. Blackjack does go through them fast, doesn’t she? This way out.” He said as he beckoned with a hoof.
I bolted up the stairs as fast as my lanky legs could carry me. “Thank you! I’m… I’m so sorry to be a bother. She… left and…” I swallowed a little sob. “I got lost trying to find her and I dropped the lantern when a spider fell in my hair and then I got stuck in the dark and this is not what I expected at all!” I blurted, vomiting out the words at the poor stallion.
“Well... shoot... spiders are the worst. Can’t blame you there,” he said and nodded back up the stairs again. When we were back in the light, I saw he could have been Slate’s brother, but was lankier and maybe a few years older. His coat was dark gray, and his blue black mane rose up in a chopped cut. “There we are. Better, no?” he asked with a small smile. “I’m Nails.”
I nodded, wiping my face again with my hooves. “I’m Threnody.” I said, sniffling. “Nails? It’s nice to meet you.” I looked him over as my mind finally calmed a little. “And thank you for rescuing me. You know Blackjack?” I asked, a little confused. I thought only the Heartmenders knew she was here! Then it hit me. “You must be from Chapel!”
He nodded. “We figured someone was living in here. Most folks don’t know about Star House and Blackjack, but I do,” he said as regret rolled off him like an oil slick. “I bring her food and supplies every week, and clean up occasionally. Nice that someone beat me to it for a change.” He said with a small smile of approval as he looked around the kitchen. “So she’s taken off again, huh?”
I nodded, sighing. “She talked about Rampage, and then said something about a wood chipper, said ‘fuck’, and then poof!” I waved my hooves. “I hate it when unicorns do that! Cheating unicorns with their teleporty magics!”
“I know. It’s almost as bad as pegasi flying away and leaving you stuck in the mud,” he countered with a lazy smile as he walked to the kitchen table where he’d set two saddlebags and started to pull out ‘supplies.’ “I see they didn’t give you a pipbuck, like I suggested.”
I shook my head, frowning as those supplies included more whiskey and less things like cram and apples and snack cakes. Oh wait. There were snack cakes…
“No, I never got one. Slate has one, and so does Sandalwood. But… I was stationed in Elysium before I got moved here. And I grew up in Junction City. Littlepip’s pipbuck was the first one I’d ever seen, but I was a 5 year old filly when I saw it. And even then it was only briefly.”
“Yeah. You need her tag to track her down when she does it. It’s not just the teleporting around. She could be clear on the other side of the Hoof,” he said as he started to put the whiskey bottles in the fridge. “She could be gone for hours. Days if she’s in a bad way. She usually comes back though.”
“What brings her back?” I asked, scrambling up onto one of the kitchen chairs and staring at Nails. He was the first pony who was actually being honest with me about what was going on! “Is it because Chapel is her home? Because she really likes helping out the Crusaders that grew up here?” I wondered, frowning down at the wooden whirls on the table’s surface.
“She was happy here, once. I guess a memory of happiness is better than none at all,” he said as he slipped the groceries in the cupboard. “She does that. Goes to places she was happy. Most people around the Hoof just think she’s a poser. A fake. They were big a few years back with the Lightbringer and all. Sooner or later someone’s going to figure out she’s the real deal.”
“I think that’s what the Heartmenders and the Followers are afraid of.” I admitted, happy to share the secret with somepony else who was ‘in’, if only by proximity. “That they’ll figure out it’s really her. I know there’s some… not nice ponies in power who really, really don’t like her.” I said with a grimace, thinking of the rhetoric that came from the hate blackened maw of Minister Boing, one of the leaders of the Commonwealth’s rather powerful political blocks. “Thank you for keeping her secret, Nails.”
“She spared my life, seemed like the least I could do,” he said with a little shrug. “And it gave me another chance. Two, if you count sparing me when I was with the Harbingers.” He said as he closed the cupboard. “You think you can help her?”
I cocked my head to the side, skewing an ear parallel to my head. Harbingers. That was a gang, right? “I’m hoping I can.” I admitted. “Wait, who are you? Where did you meet Blackjack?”
More oily regret poured from him, but it was old. Thick. “I suppose I should just say. Maybe it’ll help you help her,” he said with a sigh as he looked out the window. “I was one of the ponies that raped and nearly killed her on the Seahorse,” he said with a little half smile. My eyes widened at his admission, and I moved both of my hooves to cover my muzzle. “Guess you’d call me a raider back then. ‘Scum’ is more like it. Filth.”
I could only nod. What could you say in a moment like that? There were no words, and, if anything, Nails deserved a heartmender’s compassion. “I… think I see why you want to help her.” I said quietly.
“She could have let her friends kill me. I expected them to. I think I wanted her to,” he said as he took a seat. “I met up with the others and we stumbled on her when she was blind and helpless. It was our chance to get our revenge. Fuck her up, like she’d fucked up our lives. So we did. Not like you’d normally do to a mare. She made it difficult... so we...” He swallowed and shook his head hard. “Sorry, you probably don’t want the details.”
I knew, intellectually, that it was helping his guilt to talk about it, but I was so relieved when he stopped himself short of telling me everything. I already felt sick just knowing the deeds of the stallion in front of me, without needing to know all of the cruel points in which he’d violated the mare I was trying to help. I shook my head.
“N-no. Not unless it helps you.” I said quietly, hoping it wouldn’t help. “But it sounds like by you bringing her food, helping clean up, you’re trying to help put her back together. Give her a second chance like she gave you.” I added with a soft smile. “She may not say it, or ever say it, but I have a theory that kind acts, no matter how small, hardly go unnoticed.”
He didn’t answer. His eyes were a million miles away before they returned to me. “I think that Blackjack understands some things don’t get forgiven, don’t get forgotten, and the punishment is you live with what you’ve done until you die.” He sighed and shook his head. “Sorry. It was easier as a raider... not giving a fuck about what you did or how you hurt people. To have her tell her friends not to kill me...” he trailed off and shook his head. “I couldn’t... I didn’t want to understand how. How could she give me that chance? I was scum. Raider scum...” He sighed and shook his head again. “I hope she’s back soon. I can tell you’re worried.”
I paused before answering. I wanted to point out to him that she saw a reason to redeem him. To give him that life so he could do better. Like he was doing. I shook my head. “I… well, I assume she’ll be okay. The Hoof’s safer than it was 9 years ago.” I said quietly. “But… to answer your question… I think that it goes back to Blackjack being… well, her. I remember hearing stories about her and how she would always tell ponies to do better.” I gave him another one of my soft, understanding heartmender smiles. “I think she knew that you’d take that chance, mull it over in your heart, and then actually use it for that good. No matter how small a good you could do.”
“I guess we’ll never know,” he said hollowly. “Anyway, get a pipbuck with her tag. It’s the only way you’ll find her. At the least, you’ll know if she went somewhere close by or not.” He said as he slipped his saddle bags on. “Take care. And watch out for spiders in your mane,” he said as he walked to the exit.
I rapidly bat at my already messed up ponytail, praying another spider wasn’t still in there. I took a deep breath, focussed on the regret, sorrow, and confusion that I’d taken in from Nails, and let it out, allowing the oily feelings to wash off of me and down into the floor. One breath in, one out, and more oil running off of my body.
… and then I began to clean again as I started to wait for my client to return.
When I’d finished with the kitchen, the living room, and braved cleaning up some of the stains on the couch, with no sign of Blackjack, I conceded defeat and left Star House. I made my way back to the Heartmender wing, and trotted in to find Sandalwood writing notes.
“How’d it go, sweetie?” She asked. I winced slightly at being referred to as ‘sweetie.’ “Oh, that good, eh?” She misinterpreted.
“No… not good.” I admitted, joining her at the table. “She said she had a nightmare about being in a burning tower of ghouls, talked about putting herself through a wood chipper, and then teleported away.” Sandalwood frowned as I told my story. “Then I tried to find her, got trapped in the basement, and had to be rescued by a stallion named Nails. At least he brought her some food. And he said I should get a pipbuck.”
Sandalwood looked completely nonplussed by my tale. “I… I see. I’ve met Nails before. Nice stallion. He’s always a little distant with Slate and I, but the food and, ahem, booze that he brings helps keep our budget low, I guess.” She sighed. “And I am working on getting you a pipbuck. It just may be some time before we can requisition one from the NCR.”
I shrugged. “I’ve lived this long without one. I don’t really need one other than for tracking down Blackjack. If you and Slate can do it…” I said, pointing down to the pipbuck on Sandalwood’s left foreleg. “I don’t know why I need one. It’s not like I’m gonna be using S.A.T.S. to try to mend Blackjack’s heart.”
Sandalwood nodded, then fiddled with her pipbuck. “Let’s see where she went off to…” She scowled at the display a moment. “Oh. The Luna Space Center,” she said quietly.
I laid my ears back. Welp. I wasn’t going to get her there. It was still kind of irradiated after the balefire bomb had been dropped on it during the final moments of the Battle of the Hoof. Lucky she had a Blank body, that was immune to magical radiation. I smacked my hoof against my forehead. “Of course. Rampage! She was talking about Rampage! She… probably wants to go get her back…”
Sandalwood smiled. “Exactly. She… tends to visit places that remind her of her friends when she’s badly triggered. Which… admittedly, isn’t hard to do.”
“Nails said the same thing. Was he the one that said we should track her with pipbuck tags?” I asked.
Sandalwood shook her head. “So far as I know, that was at Cinnamon’s insistence. Something about wanting to keep Blackjack away from major population centres where she could hurt other ponies.”
I frowned. Sandalwood was telling the truth. But so was Nails. Both of them couldn’t be right. Could they? I shrugged my wings. “When do you think she’ll be back?” I asked.
“It’s hard to say. If she doesn’t come back within an hour, we might have to track her down. That’s if she didn’t simply peel off the pipbuck and drop it down a hole. She’s done that too,” she said evenly and sighed. “Sometimes I wonder if Velvet and Heartshine aren’t wasting our time with her.”
I glared at Sandalwood. “You’re wrong!” I said defiantly. “We aren’t wasting our time. We just haven’t found somepony that she bonds with yet! And… and if we are wasting our time, then that means that Willow Glen got hurt for nothing! I can’t believe that. I refuse to believe that. We’ve just got to give her time!”
“And while we are fixated on her, we are not helping others,” Sandalwood replied firmly, all unicorn logic. “I admire what she accomplished while she was a hero, but she’s far from that now. Her suicide would be tragic, but no less tragic than those that suffer without our help while we indulge the vagaries of that spoiled brat of a mare!”
I stared at Sandalwood for a long moment. “Is that you talking? Or is that Cinnamon?” I asked evenly. “Because what I heard, what little I did hear of you before I was moved here, was that you wanted this post.” Two could play the logic game!
She took a deep breath, clenching her jaw before forcing herself to focus. “I wanted to help a mare that had some interest in being helped. Not some mare that drinks herself into a stupor, disappears at the slightest provocation, and causes nothing but havoc wherever she goes. I want to help ponies, not waste my time on one pony that doesn’t want or respect my help!”
“Ladies,” Slate said evenly, his earth pony stability grounding my pegasus desire to bite Sandalwood’s head off as he stepped into the doorway. “Your shop talk is carrying,” he said in his deep, soothing voice.
I pinned my ears back and look down, feeling ashamed that I’d shouted. And that I’d upset Sandalwood. Good job, Threnody. Let your emotions get all caught up in the clouds. “I’m sorry, Sandalwood.” I mumbled, getting up from the table. “That was rude of me to shout at you.”
Sandalwood lay her ears back too, and rubbed her head near the base of her horn. “I’m sorry too, Threnody. You were right about one thing.” She said with a wry smile. “I did want this post, and I know that her case is getting to me. There’s just a lot-”
Slate coughed, interrupting Sandalwood. “Best we not let the little one worry about all that nonsense.”
“I’m not little.” I snapped, fixing Slate with a glare. “I’m short. There’s a difference.”
That got Slate laughing, and he shook his head. “Sorry. Just let Sandalwood and I worry about the political pressure from the… less wise ponies we have to deal with. Why don’t you focus on Blackjack?”
I supposed that made some sense, so I nodded. “I can do that.” I turned to Sandalwood. “Do we have extra sheets? I think I’m going to crash on the couch in Star House while I wait for Blackjack to come back.”
As I said the words, the foul piece of furniture came to the fore in my mind and I quickly added, “And some Abronco? A lot of it? Industrial grade, if we have it.”
I was curled up, reading a well worn copy of Mareyat’s The Phantom Ship on the newly cleaned and apparently hunter green couch when Blackjack returned. I’d been enjoying the scene that was slowly revealing the affections Philip, the unicorn main character, had for Amine, the lovely Saddle Arabian Sorceress! I looked about, trying to judge where in the house she might be.
My ears swivelled about as from upstairs came a thump and a moment later a door creaked open. Blackjack’s hoof falls pattered at the top of the stairs. Her striped mane hung in rumpled curtains around her shoulders as she slowly descended the stairs. Red eyes slid over at me with my book, but she didn’t break stride as she headed into the kitchen and opened the cupboards.
“Your friend Nails stopped by,” I called from the couch, setting down my book on the cushion in front of me. “He uh, brought some food and put some stuff in the fridge. Sparkle Colas and the like.” I said, just watching her, trying to quickly gauge her mood.
She froze and glanced at me, then pulled out a box of cereal. An almost visceral look of disgust crossed her features and she threw the box into the garbage with more force than the unopened box could have ever deserved. Then she levitated out a tin of deviled eggs and peeled off the top. She then trotted over to the dining table and pulled herself into the seat, eating slowly and carefully as she slumped in front of the table.
I frowned. Okay. Now was not the time to ask stupid questions like ‘how are you doing?’ I knew the answer. She knew the answer. So… ugh! What was going to get through to her?!
I shrugged and trotted over to the fridge, and to my surprise, found that Nails had brought a few Sparkle Cola Cherry bottles with him! “Can I have one of the cherry ones?” I asked, looking over at Blackjack’s back. She didn’t answer, not even looking over as she ate one of the two hundred year old eggs. Seriously, how wasn’t there an expiration date on those things?
Shaking my head, I looked at the poor box of cereal in the trash. Sugar Apple Bombs!? Those things never went stale, and the box was in near mint condition!
“Don’t you want the Sugar Apple Bombs?” I asked, examining the slightly bent and abused box in the trash. It didn’t look like anything was wrong with it...
At the question, I felt an emotion like a cold, slushy tide rolling in and sweeping around me. Regret. Disgust. Self hatred even. And mixed in with that, inexplicably, flashes of warm affection and love. She said in a shaky voice, “No. I don’t want to smell them,” she said as that exotic mix of emotion surged from her.
I shivered slightly as I was simultaneously warmed and chilled by Blackjack’s conflicting and complicated emotions. “Oh… well… I can um… Do you want me to bring them back to my house? So they’re not here?” I asked, trying to keep the selfish, foalish part of me that really wanted the cereal from sneaking into my voice. Come on, Threnody, this is about her, not you!
“Sure. Go ahead. They’re delicious,” she rasped, her breathing tense and quick. I carefully approached from the side, astonished to see her ignoring the rest of her eggs and holding her head tightly between her hooves, body shaking as tears ran down her cheeks. The storm of emotions kept growing more and more unstable as it alternated between acidic self loathing, oily regret, and warm affection. All this from a box of cereal?
I slowly stepped a pace closer to the table. My wings twitched on my back as I fretted, trying to figure out what to do or what to say. It took a lot of will on my part, but very slowly and deliberately, I put my hoof on the table, and slid it until the tip just barely touched hers. “Blackjack, it’s… it’s okay. You’re safe.”
Like lightning, all three emotions were replaced with one: white hot anger. Her head snapped back and she glared at me, her eyes blood red and flashing with malice. For an instant, I saw what so many of her enemies must have seen right before she killed them. She firmly pushed herself away from the table and started back for the stairs without a word.
Some of that white hot anger, to my own chagrin, carried through my hoof and nestled itself somewhere around the part of my brain that was full of resentment and frustration for this position. The petulant part of me that wanted to yell at the world really, really liked her anger. Unfortunately, this carried over to my mouth deciding to get ahead of itself. Again.
“Ugh. Fine, stupid mcdumbface. Walk away! I’ll just take your cereal because you’re being weird!” I yelled, snatching the cereal box from the garbage with a wing.
That made her pause, and the unstable, sloshing emotions were overcut by some bubbly amusement. “Mc. Dumbface? What, are you going to call me fat next? 'Your mom' jokes?” she said as she relaxed a little. Her eyes dropped to the box. “You really want to know why I can’t stand those? Why I can’t stand the taste of apples?”
The thinking, rational part of my brain finally decided to turn itself on. I gaped at her a moment like a mooning idiot, and then shook myself. “Um… kinda, yeah? I mean… who doesn’t like apples?”
“I don’t. I love the taste of them,” she said, her eyes on the box. “When we got out into the wasteland, those things were the first thing I ate.” Her eyes shifted briefly to the box now tucked under my wing “One of the best things I found in the wasteland,” she said as she stared, her emotions swirling... oddly. Instead of the unstable shifting, it was more like they were mixing about... but was it a good mixing or not? “I’d eat them any chance I could. With milk. Whiskey. Dry. Doesn’t matter.” She paused and amended, “Didn’t matter.”
What? “So… did you like… burn yourself out on them?” I asked, confused, but trying to understand. The emotions mixing in her were still… puzzling.
“You know about P-21?” she asked as she walked to the couch and sat down. She didn't even notice my painstaking scrubbing of the upholstery! I winced as she nearly knocked my book from its perch.
“I… know he was your boy.” I said simply. “And that Slate kinda looks like him. I know he was really, really famous for being super good at bouncing grenades around! Or that’s what all the colts and fillies that were Crusaders when they were foals liked to tell me about. What about him?” I asked, trotting over to the couch. I wasn’t sure I wanted to sit on the other end just yet, so I rested a hoof protectively on my book.
“In 99,” she began before her voice cracked. “I don’t know what they told you about 99, but... he was used. Bad. By all the mares.” Her red eyes softened briefly as they met mine, and a sharp stab of guilt lanced from her to my chest. “I got raped once on a boat. He got raped almost every day for most of his life. I guess most of the males just... I dunno... accepted it. He didn’t. It hurt him, but it also kept him trying to escape. He didn’t want 99 to just fuck him and then kill him when he was too old.” I didn’t have a vocabulary for the emotions coming off her. Spiny with soft tickly sensations that oozed all at once. Seriously, did this mare come with a manual? “You have no idea how much I admire him for that, now.”
I nodded slowly, still trying to process the pokey tentacles of emotion I was feeling on her. I didn’t really know what to say, so I stayed quiet, letting her continue. “There was this time... here... right before it all went bad... that last horrible day...” she said haltingly. “We were laughing and carrying on. Daring each other... and he told me...” She took a little breath. “He told me that my mom tasted like apples.”
I couldn’t quite suppress my own shudder at Blackjack’s admission. Apples. Well, that certainly hadn’t been - I shook myself. Nope. Not going there. “I… oh.” I said, the little pegasus in my head putting on a graduation cap. “So… apples are now a reminder of… all the bad things that happened to him? And how your mom didn’t do anything to stop it?” I asked. “Or am I… not following as well as I think I am?”
“Actually, you’re doing better than Cinnamon when I tried to tell her,” Blackjack said with the first warm feelings for me since we’d met. She closed her eyes. “It’s more than that, though. I think about who he was when we first started out, and just how far he’d gone... how much he’d changed... to even be able to joke about what my mother and I had done to him. I didn’t realize it then but... it was night and day from when we first met.” She leaned her head back as sour, acidic self hatred rolled off her. “And then I got him killed.”
I frowned as the self-hate fell like a waterfall off of the cushions and pooled around my hooves. I ended up jumping up onto the couch, curling my tail around my legs as I sat on my haunches, watching her. “But he did change. For the better, it sounds?” I asked quietly.
She sniffed and nodded. “More than you can imagine. He went from a stallion who couldn’t hold a gun without trying to murder me with it to a stallion who... aside from being my lover... loved his daughter. He was a teacher. He was going to be... I don’t know what. But he would have been amazing. Even more than he already was.” She bowed her head and shook it slowly. “I think about what I did to him... what mom did to him... and then he makes that joke... and... it all just hits me about just what I lost.” She closed her eyes, her emotional stew now one of bilesome recrimination simmering over the unstable shifting.
I nodded, mulling over my own thoughts and feelings as I listened to her. I toyed lightly with my blonde tail with my forehoof. “Resiliency, in anypony, is always an amazing thing, isn’t it?” I asked, ducking my head down to try to catch her eyes before they closed. “But I can see how his resiliency in light of everything could make you realise just how much you lost when he…” I trailed off. I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘he died.’ I feared what might happen if I did, and I was scared silent.
“Yeah,” she said as she leaned back on the couch, sitting oddly on her haunches. “When I got them all killed,” she muttered and took a deep breath. “Anyway, yeah. That’s why I can’t stand Sugar Apple Bombs now. I still remember how awesome they taste, but... I think of it and... yeah... all that happens up here.” She tapped the side of her head with a hoof.
I bit my lip, and let out a small sigh. “Well, Sandalwood would probably talk about stimuli and stuff. But to me, yeah, makes sense as to why you’d want to not eat them. I mean, if anything, the mere fact that every bite would be like your mom’s nethers on your tongue would be weird enough!” I said with a small grin, trying to lighten the sombre mood.
She looked at me a moment, then gave a small laugh. Her feelings didn’t share it one bit, but it was something. “Yeah. At least that didn’t happen in 99. Often. Usually.” Her lips twisted. “Though it did to the Overmare. And Daisy.” Her brows knit together. “Just when I think I get to the bottom of how messed up 99 was, I think about something new.”
I knew that my poker face had failed me as I felt my muzzle screw up in disgust. Okay, that was fucking messed up! “But… that’s… ugh.” My stomach decided that now was the best time to practice doing summersaults, and my wings wrapped protectively around my barrel and forelegs. “Home wasn’t really sweet, was it?”
Blackjack laughed again, but I could still feel its hollowness. “Yeah. It’s weird. You just didn’t think about it. It’s not like we didn’t know any better, either. I think we all knew somewhere deep, deep down how fucked it was, but we all just went with the flow. Mares were all that mattered and stallions were nothing more than tools to be used and thrown away when they got too old or we had too many, and if anypony didn’t like it then they shut up and kept it to themselves.” Her smile drained away. “I actually miss it, sometimes.”
I cocked an ear to the side. “Do you really? Or do you miss the stability that the Stable brought?” I asked.
She didn’t answer for almost a minute, her eyes gazing out at the past. “I miss not thinking about things. I miss not realising how much things suck. How my biggest worry was botching a cuffing spell or Daisy being in a pissy mood or missing a card game.” She gave a half smile, “And a shallow part of me misses the casual sex too. I never did get to bang Midnight. I think she had fun just stringing me along, now.” She shook her head slowly. “Sometimes, the one thing I want, more than anything, is to turn everything in my brain off. Just... go back to how things were. Don’t think about it. You know?”
I did know. “I’d love to know how to get my brain to shut up. It’s kind of a douche most days.” I admitted, and allowed myself to give Blackjack a small smirk. “Though… with the shallow sex, are you really missing that? Or are you just missing the fact that it can meet a need without having to worry about the emotional attachments?” I asked. “Like with Slate?”
“Yeah. Like with him. Or any pony for that matter,” she said as shook her head, that acidic self-loathing bubbling away. “That’s pretty sad, isn’t it? After everything, all I want is an easy fuck from somepony I don’t care about.”
“Honestly? I think that’s what a lot of ponies want. Intimacy in the wasteland is scary. Just being able to fuck and leave without having regrets or those gross, sticky emotions hanging around,” I winced at my unfortunate phrasing, trying desperately to not think of the biological disaster area that had been the couch until a few hours ago. Don’t think about it! I shrugged, trying to hide another shudder. “But… I don’t know. That’s just what the ad- ahem, everyone tells me.”
And like that the switch was flipped and a warm, sticky feeling began to wash over me. She smiled as she leaned closer, “And what about you? Would you like to just fuck without regrets or gross sticky feelings hanging around?” I was shocked at just how rapidly she could change her feelings, and worse, at just how quickly she could change those feelings for me!
I leaned away, feeling my spine and wingroots press into the back of the couch. “I… don’t want it.” I said, trying to push back against the bile that was rising in my throat. I didn’t want her looking at me like that! I kept my poker face, trying to maintain an air of polite disinterest.
Blackjack blinked, and those sticky feelings abruptly receded a little before she shrugged and gave a little smile. “Well, let me know when you do. Trust me. Glory taught me all the best spots on a pegasus mare,” she said. Then her smile faded as new guilt stormed through her. She slipped off the couch and trotted towards the fridge again. Surely she wasn’t still hungry. Just the thought of those two-century old eggs turned my stomach and she was going back for seconds?
I watched her move, and physically forced myself to relax. As my eyes followed her, they got stuck on the opened, but untouched Sparkle Cola Cherry. “My soda!” I squeaked, scrambling off the couch and taking a sip. Talking could make a pony very, very thirsty! I blushed slightly at the look she was giving me. She extracted a bottle of whiskey and started back for the stairs... oh goddess, she was smiling at me again. That warm smile of promising uncomplicated good times!
… Good times that the thought of which made my wings ache and my stomach try to eat its way out of my throat.
“Hey Blackjack?” I asked. “I know you probably want me to go, but can you try to go a little easy on the whiskey? If… you want me to come back tomorrow and you don’t have a hangover, that is.” I offered.
She paused and sloshed the amber contents at me. “This isn’t whiskey. It’s ‘don’t think about it’ juice. I drink it, and I don’t think about things. It’s this or sex. So unless you want to push my reset button, then it’s something I need.”
“Wait, you have a reset button?” I asked, very confused.
She smiled and approached me, the warm, sticky feelings getting disturbingly thick as she strutted... wait, why was she strutting? “Yeah,” she said softly, her voice low. “When I have great, hoof curling, panting sex of wonderfulness with a little pony, and it resets me from just what a fucking monster I am.” She did something with her horn and I felt a caress on my pinions. “But I make sure the other person has a good time too. A very good time.”
I tugged my wing a little closer to my barrel, barely managing to avoid actively flinching at her touch. Little pony? Oh gosh, she meant me! Nope nope nope nope nope!
I bit my lip. “Um. I… can send Slate over if you need. But… no. I, I don’t do... that,” I explained, hoping I sounded somewhat calm. Goddesses damnit, Sandalwood was right. She WAS trying to get under my tail. Just don’t touch me again. With your magic or otherwise… I found myself mentally begging that she would just… lay off. Leave me alone. Leave sex to ponies older and wiser and prettier and just not me!
Blackjack seemed amused if nothing else. “Straight, huh? Imagine that,” she said as she leaned in, projecting... warm fondness... sticky lust... gentle concern... sucking desire... “Well, trust me, if you ever want to see if your barn door swings the other way, I’ll make sure you won’t regret it.” It was like drowning in warm molasses, a cloying inescapable quagmire.
“What kind of pony I like really doesn’t matter. I’m just… younger and smaller than you and that’s weird.” I said, trying to not sound too defensive.
“Oh, right. The whole age thing,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “I was younger than you when I went through sex ed. I understand you don’t have practical lessons. But if you’re not interested then you’re not interested.” She started to walk away, her back end swaying a few steps before she looked over her shoulder at me, “But let me know when you are.” Sweet Celestia, she winked at me!
I puffed out my cheeks and pouted at her. “Just… go drink your ‘think me not’ juice, and I’ll just talk to you tomorrow.”
“Sure thing. And the sooner Slate shows up, the less hungover I’ll be,” she said as she trotted up the stairs to her room.
The slightly immature pony inside of me wanted to get in the parting shot. “...I’m still eating your cereal!” I yelled out, taking the box from under my wing and giving it a shake.
“Then you’ll know what my mom’s vagina tastes like, too!” she called back as the door to her bedroom closed.
I pursed my lips as I stared down at the box in my hooves, trying desperately to delete that sentence from my mind.
Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons - Speak Chapter 3: One Hoof in Front of the Other
“She was unstoppable, not because she did not have failures or doubts. But because she continued on despite them.” - Starswirl the Bearded, on Princess Celestia
I only just barely managed to stop myself flouncing into the heartmender wing. Blackjack had talked to me! What’s more, is she’d opened up! It’d only been a little bit, but it was something! And this was only the first day I’d worked with her.
Sandalwood was right when she’d said that Blackjack wasn’t easy to work with. I’d really worried that I’d fucked up horribly after she’d teleported to the Luna Space Centre, but our talk on her return had filled me with renewed hope and happiness. I’m sure that I was a little ball of sunshine to Sandalwood and Slate when I opened the door to our portion of Star House.
A ball of sunshine that was quickly eclipsed by the sight of a cream coated, red maned batpony who was idly chatting with Sandalwood and Slate. The three adult ponies turned to look at me, and I felt myself freezing in place as I quickly tried to put up my emotional shields. I think Slate had felt my mood shift before I’d entered the room, because his smile quickly faded into an expression of concern as I blanked my emotional outlets. Sandalwood and Cinnamon Twist seemed merely nonplussed by the sudden void where my emotions had been.
“Is everything alright, Threnody?” Sandalwood asked, trotting toward the door.
I nodded, then shook myself and offered the older ponies what I hoped looked like a genuine smile. “Oh, yeah! Um, I just… finished up with Blackjack. We had a good talk and stuff. She wanted to see Slate, though. If that’s okay. Something about drinking less if he came to talk to her?”
Sandalwood and Slate exchanged glances, and the tension in the room ratcheted up just a few pegs. Huh. That was different. The moment quickly passed as Slate smiled and scooted around me. “Well, you must have done something good,” He offered as he made his way out the door. “That’s the first time in a few months she’s requested to talk to me. Usually I show up, and if she’s in the mood, she’s in the mood. If not, well, it’s a 50/50 shot as to whether or not I need to book it out of there.” The stallion lightly patted the top of my head. “Good work, little one!” He said before sauntering out the door.
I turned to watch Slate go, and as soon as he’d left the Heartmender wing’s porch, his saunter turned into the slow maunder of somepony walking to their execution. Regret clouded Slate’s bubbly mood, stormclouds brought on by the words of one little pegasus.
“Yes, a very good job, indeed,” Cinnamon said, following up Slate’s pats with a noogie that mussed up my mane that brought me back to the harsh reality that she was still here. I winced at the contact, and tried my best to not lay my ears back. Somehow her syrupy sweet voice always just… bothered me. “I was concerned as to how Blackjack would react to us bringing a filly on board. It seems my concerns, as well as Heartshine’s, were unfounded.”
Sandalwood rolled her eyes. “As I was telling you before Threnody got here, Cinnamon, I’m not worried about her being hurt by Blackjack. She’ll try to intimidate her, and scare her, and… well, probably seduce her,” She added with a frown. “But I doubt she’d do much more than levitate Threnody out of Star House if she was angry.”
I snorted. “Well, she’s already tried all four things. And half of those were on the first time I met her.” I paused, cocking my left ear to the side as I thought about it. “Actually, all four things when I first met her. Though at least she hasn’t tried to kiss me again.”
Cinnamon quirked an eyebrow at Sandalwood, who shook her head. “You and I both knew that was a risk,” the unicorn cautioned. “And Threnody seems to be able to handle Blackjack, even at her worst. Who knows, maybe she’s got some insight that we don’t.”
Cinnamon nodded thoughtfully, then purred in that silky cloying voice, “I know, I just want to make sure all of you are protected. The Heartmenders are just getting back to their full strength, and it’s a big wasteland out there. What with Willow Glen still being on the mend, and Heartshine with her administrative duties for the Followers, I’m just worried of what would happen to little Threnody. We can’t risk losing the littlest member of our team.” She said soothingly.
My eye twitched at ‘littlest member of the team.’ I knew that Slate called me little one, but… well, that was starting to grow on me. Plus I think he did it just to get my goat, so I could put up with it for now. But when Cinnamon said it, I just felt icky inside. Like I was the smallest pawn on her chessboard. The only problem was, I didn’t know what she was planning to do with me, and I wasn’t even sure we were playing chess.
Sandalwood must have sensed my irritation, as she cut in. “Well, I am planning on debriefing Threnody as soon as you’re done here. And yes, I will have my weekly reports sent out when the alicorns bring our stipends tomorrow.”
My ears perked up. Oh! Tomorrow was stipend day? “Which alicorns are bringing us our pay?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from sounding too overly excited at the prospect of pay day. Pay day meant I got a few caps for myself that I could spend on my own things! Like books!
Cinnamon’s forehead wrinkled in thought. “I believe that Dry Clean Only has been taking on the responsibility for making sure that the stipends for the Followers in the Commonwealth are distributed. Though don’t quote me on that. Sometimes Thimblestep helps her out as well.”
I felt my ears wiggling excitedly. “But… if it is Dry, does that mean that Glitter is with her?”
Cinnamon gave me a confused look. “Glitter-oh! Her charge.” Her hoof rubbed her temple as if in pain. “Yes. Most likely. I daresay that those two are nigh inseparable for the most part. Unless Glitter Bomb is spending the day with Caledonia in her clinic.”
I really hoped that Glitter Bomb was with Dry Clean tomorrow. Glitter was… unusual for an alicorn. She was really fun to talk to!
I turned to Sandalwood. “If I get done with Blackjack early, may I spend the afternoon with Glitter?” I asked, bringing to bear the cute eyes that had always worked on my mom when I wanted something. Which was actually a fairly rare occurrence in my childhood and likely why, to this day, it still worked on her. Goddess Luna bless her heart.
Sandalwood shook her head and chuckled at me. “Threnody, you do realise that you don’t need my permission to do anything, right? And I was going to talk to you about not seeing Blackjack for very long tomorrow. She does need some time to process, you know!” She explained patiently. “But yes, I think that giving yourself some time for some self care would be good. If that’s how you want to spend your day, you’re more than welcome to.”
Cinnamon smirked at me with an amused expression on her face. “Well, with that taken care of, I look forward to your report, Sandy.”
Again, there was that tension in the room that hadn’t been there just a moment ago. Sandalwood merely nodded, and Cinnamon gave me another one of her diabetes-inducing smiles. “Good luck, Threnody.” She said, trotting out the door. “You’ll need it~”
I frowned after Cinnamon’s retreating back, resisting the urge to stick my tongue out at her. I waited until the mare was safely out of earshot before closing the door. “Sandy?” I asked, quirking an eyebrow at Sandalwood.
The unicorn fixed me with a glare. “Not a word. I hate it when she calls me that. UGH!” Sandalwood stamped her hoof before brushing a bit of mane behind her ear and shaking her head. “What did you call her, social sandpaper? Sometimes I think you’re right! That mare is a pain in my flank.”
I laid my ears back as Sandalwood calmed herself. “Um, did… everything go okay with your meeting with her, though?” I asked, trotting over to the kitchen table and pulling up a chair. “I got the sense that something was going on, at least at how you and Slate felt when I said Blackjack wanted to see him.”
Sandalwood sighed, and took up the chair opposite me. “That’s… nothing you need to worry about, Threnody. Just something between Slate and I that I’m sorry you picked up on.”
Sorry I picked up on what? I wondered to myself. Oh! You aren’t happy that part of Blackjack’s treatment with Slate involves sex! The giddy 14 year old in me clapped her hooves together as I realised that my shipping of the older two heartmenders wasn’t that far off. Then I started to worry about the implications for Blackjack if Slate and Sandalwood did become a thing. How would Sandalwood deal with the fact that her lover was actively- oh… oh dear…
“In any case, how did things go with Blackjack? You seemed really excited when you came in.” Sandalwood asked, drawing me back out of my head.
“I… think it went well. She… I think she thinks I’m funny. Or weird. I don’t know. But I got her talking about Stable 99 and why she hates Sugar Apple Bombs.” I said, pulling the crumpled box out of my saddlebags. “Apparently P-21 thought they tasted like her mom’s vagina juices or something.”
Sandalwood was mid sip of tea when she sputtered. “Wait, what?! Mom’s vagina juices?” She blinked rapidly at me. “Oh! Right… P-21 would have ‘serviced’ her mother as well as Blackjack due to the institutionalized rape of stallions in Stable 99.” She frowned thoughtfully. “I wonder what led him to tell her that?”
I shrugged. “Blackjack really didn’t have an answer for that. Apparently this happened when the two of them were starting to finally make up a little. Though I got her to reflect on the fact that P-21 did make major changes in his life while he travelled with her.” I sighed. “She really did love him a lot, and I know that she blames herself really badly for his death.” I cocked my left ear to the side. “Has she ever talked about that with you or Slate? Or any of the other heartmenders.”
Sandalwood shook her head ‘no.’ “Never, at least, not that they’ve documented.” She smirked. “Mind you, Heartshot only made it two days here before he got frustrated that she was always drunk when he tried to work with her, so he likely didn’t get it out of her. But in all seriousness, Blackjack tends to only talk with me about surface things. She’s… always asking me about myself, and, of course, professional boundaries dictate that I share as little as possible.” She said with a soft sniff, though I couldn’t help but wonder why I felt a bit of frosty regret from her. Huh… that was weird. “But that is very good news you got her to talk a little. Excellent work, Threnody!”
I beamed back at her in return. “Well, hopefully that’s what Cinnamon wanted to hear! Maybe now things will be less complicated for us!” I said cheerfully.
Sandalwood’s ears drooped, and she sighed. “Threnody, this was just today. Just because she had a good day today, doesn’t mean that she’ll have a good day tomorrow. Things are… very complicated. Her situation, and the political realities of the Commonwealth are… problematic at best.” Sandalwood scrunched up her muzzle. “It isn’t enough that Minister Boing is doing her level best to destroy the legacy of Security, but the fact that she wants to start a trial in absentia doesn’t help either. Which makes me worried what would happen if Boing knew that Blackjack was still alive.”
I shuddered. “She’d lead a mob here, and not care who got in the way,” I said, trying to brush that thought away. That would make for a very interesting afternoon.
Sandalwood nodded in agreement. “Which is why we’re doing our level best to keep her a secret. Even from the ponies that are trying to help us keep her safe. Adding Princess Grace to our inner circle was a huge risk. Mind you, Grace supports Blackjack being rehabilitated. As I’m sure that Brutus and the Reapers would do. Brutus has mentioned on several occasions that, if she hadn’t died, she’d still be in the Top Ten. But… with Cinnamon having worked with Boing, the Heartmenders have a lot more pressure from a rather powerful political force.” She waved her hooves in front of her defensively. “I’m not saying that Cinnamon would break confidentiality, or that it’s her fault, but it is the reality. Because Minister Boing was healed by Cinnamon, that’s her connection to the Heartmenders. And because Cinnamon answers to Heartshine… well.” She shrugged. “I think we’re sort of screwed either way.”
That really was sort of the way of things. Because the Heartmenders were the only line of defense for the mental health of ponies in the wasteland, we often found ourselves embroiled in the political realities of the wasteland. Tartarus! It wasn’t just the Heartmenders, it was all of the Followers! Velvet Remedy was doing her level best to keep the peace between the NCR and the New Lunar Commonwealth. The NCR really wanted to add the NLC to its borders, just as strongly as the Commonwealth wanted to be firmly detached from NCR jurisdiction. The Followers of the Apocalypse, and the Heartmenders, by virtue of being part of the Followers, operated independent of both. We were that weird apolitical entity that tried to make sure both sides got along. Littlepip, Blackjack, and so many others had sacrificed far too much for another war to break out over something stupid like lines on a map.
And, honestly, wars had broken out in the wasteland over less.
It also didn’t make Sandalwood’s job any less stressful, nor did it make it any more fun to have what felt like 12 different ponies yelling different things at me about how to do my job. I was doing my motherbucking job! They just needed to shut up and do theirs!
“I wish that we could change the wasteland faster,” I said with a sigh, laying my head down on the table. “It’d make things easier if ponies weren’t constantly causing more trauma that we needed to fix.”
Sandalwood gave me a sympathetic look. “I know, Threnody. It would be nice, in a perfect world. But the wasteland isn’t perfect. So we get to just… make do with what we have. Even if it’s hard.”
I nodded in agreement. I couldn’t argue with that. “Well, I’m just glad that Blackjack’s day was made a little better,” I said with a soft smile.
Sandalwood smiled back. “That is a bit of good news,” Her eyes took on a suddenly distant look. “I just hope she isn’t too hard on Slate.”
I didn’t have anything I could really say to that.
I had nearly finished The Phantom Ship when Slate returned to the Heartmender wing. I started as he stuck his head in my room.
“I have to tell somepony this. And before I do, know that the reason I am telling you is all your fault. But somepony needs to know.” He said gravely, staring me down.
I lay my ears back. “O---k?” I asked, tensing up as I dreaded the answer.
Slate held his grave expression for a short moment as he trotted close to me. My ear wiggled expectantly at the heat of his muzzle and breath. “She tastes like saltwater taffy.” He whispered conspiratorially.
I blinked as his words worked their way through my head. It wound around my prefrontal cortex, until…
“OH SWEET LUNA WHY!?” I squeaked at him, my voice echoing in the house at my indignance. I did not need to know how Blackjack tasted!
Slate’s muzzle shifted into a broad grin. “You know why. And now you know~!” He teased, snickering.
A rather tragic accident occurred moments later. Somehow, by means unknown to me, Scootaloo managed to fling herself at Slate’s face. The stallion laughed as he picked up my thrown toy from the floor. “Ooh! Presents!” He said, nabbing the plushie and trotting down the hall.
I bolted from my bed after him. “SLAAAAAATE! BRING THAT BACK!” I cried, mussing up the sheets in my bed as I dashed down the hall.
Slate laughed as Sandalwood stuck her head of her room, giving the two of us a bemused expression as he tossed me Scootaloo. “Just a little bit of teasing.” He said with a grin. I caught Scootaloo between my hooves and hugged her close. Slate’s expression softened, and he got down on his belly. I pinned my ears back as I realised that even laying down he was taller than me, even as I stood up and tucked Scootaloo under my wing. “And I wanted to let you know that Blackjack did seem a lot better when I saw her.”
I wasn’t sure I liked him being this close to me, because at the moment he smelled of sweat and that really weird tangy smell I’d come to realise meant he’d had sex. “Well, I’m glad she was better.” I said, smiling softly.
He nodded. “And I figured you’d understand that I needed to tell somepony. Not like curlytail over there wants to hear about it!” Slate added with a wink at Sandalwood.
I didn’t want to hear about it either! And no, she just wants to take a ride on the Slate Train… I thought, smirking back at him. “Oh, I understand. Now, do we keep brain bleach here? I need some…”
Slate scrunched his muzzle and lifted a big hoof to lightly boop the tip of my nose. “No. No brain bleach for short heartmenders.” He said with a grin. “But you are in a safe enough place to vent about our client if you need to.”
I watched as Slate got to his hooves and offered Sandalwood a smile. The unicorn’s smile was rather forced, and that hoarfrost of regret settled lightly over both of them. Slate shook his head, looking down at me. “It’s been a long day. Goodnight Threnody. See you in the morning. Sandals,” he nodded to Sandalwood before slipping into his room and closing the door.
I watched Sandalwood gaze at his closed door for a few moments longer than necessary before she closed her own. Part of me wanted to make sure she was okay. Part of me was still processing what Slate had said to me. Part of me wished my various pieces of myself got along!
I retreated to my room, and curled up in bed, pulling Scootaloo close to my chest. Slate trusted me with a secret that he wouldn’t share with Sandalwood! That… hmm. I didn’t know how to feel about that. I knew I liked Slate. Since I’d met him, he’d been… comfortable. Safe. The reason I put up with him giving me light touches was because they were light, and because he’d noticed that I flinched if he touched too hard. That meant he was safe, right?
I wondered how he felt, carrying all the secrets like that about Blackjack. I mean, who would somepony talk to about that? Knowing intimate secrets about a pony, their tastes, their likes, where they wanted to be touched, the small little-
I cut the thought off before it got too uncomfortable. If I could place a name to the emotion I was feeling, it was happiness. Happiness that he felt that I was trustworthy enough to share a secret with. And that was kind of a nice feeling. I held that warm feeling close to my chest as I shut off my lamp, and slowly drifted off to sleep.
I really loved that shower. I don’t know who Sandalwood bribed or begged to get it installed, but it was literally the best thing in my life during these days in Chapel. Hot water running over me was the best. At least until somepony else wanted in.
“Threnody, you’ve been in there a half an hour already!” Sandalwood called, thumping her hoof against the door. I grumbled and grudgingly shut off my lovely flow of warm, and stepped out into the cool air of the rest of the bathroom.
“Fine! Fine! I’m done! Just need to dry off!” I called back. Stupid Sandalwood. Why didn’t she just use the shower in Star House? Wait… was there a shower in Star House? I knew the little filly’s room worked, but would a shower? I mulled over these thoughts as I rubbed the soft towel through my blonde mane and over my slim frame. Once I was dry enough, I slipped on my duster, and let Sandalwood take over the bathroom.
“Ugh, the mirror is covered in condensation!” She pouted, pointing at the medicine cabinet. “You’re as a bad as Slate!” She shut the door behind her, and the sounds of water hitting the metal shower basin echoed from the bathroom.
Slate shrugged at me as I wandered into the kitchen. “Seriously, she complains about me taking forever. I’m clean in like, 5 minutes flat.” He said with a chuckle. “I mean, how long does it take to soap up and rinse?”
I gave him a sheepish look. “I just like how it feels to have the warm water on me. It wakes me up.” I admitted, looking in the fridge to see if we had any brahmin milk to go with my Sugar Apple Bombs. They may taste like Blackjack’s mom, but dammit if I wasn’t going to enjoy every bite!
I must have scrunched my muzzle as the thought went through my head, because Slate started laughing. “Don’t think about it. Just enjoy your cereal,” he cautioned, taking a sip of his own glass of milk.
I giggled and joined him at the table, pouring out my cereal and milk into a waiting bowl. “I won’t think about it. I’ll just eat them. To spite her!”
Slate smiled. “Good. Though, not so sure about the spite part. But good that you’re enjoying them,” he took another bite of his toast, which looked like it’d been smeared with some sort of mutfruit preserves. “Ready for stipend day?” he asked, polishing off the toast quickly.
I nodded. “I mean, it’s never much.” I admitted. “Most of my stipend gets sent back to my mom.” If Slate replied immediately, it was lost in the crunching of my cereal. “What?”
“I asked why it went to your mother,” he repeated, frowning across the table at me. “Doesn’t she make enough money on her own?”
“Oh, she does. But she doesn’t think I’m responsible with caps, so she made arrangements with Heartshine and Cinnamon to have most of my pay sent back to her. You two get paid enough to buy equipment and things you need. She figured I just needed a little bit to pay for extra food. And… well, little else.” I explained.
The furrows on Slate’s forehead deepened. “But if she’s able to support herself, that means she’s getting a rather sizeable amount of caps from you. If I’m guessing on how much you actually get from her correctly.”
“Oh, I get to keep about 40 caps a stipend period,” I said with a shrug. “It’s enough to buy some snack cakes or cereal or, if I save, maybe something cute for me. I just-” The expression on Slate’s face gave me pause. “What?”
“Threnody, if she only gives you 40 caps, that means she’s getting 460 caps to herself every half a month,” he explained gravely. “That’s nearly a thousand caps a month extra on top of whatever she’s already making!”
I blinked at him. “Well, she only makes about 400 caps a month working as the secretary for the Mayor of Junction City. So… wouldn’t that be good for her?” I asked, genuinely confused.
Slate pursed his lips. “I… well, yes. But what about you? Your mom would be basically able to live the life of somepony in Tenpony Tower on that! You’re supposed to have those caps so you can spend it doing things you want, and for medical supplies in case, you know, the worst happens. Healing potions are expensive!”
Now it was my turn to frown at him. “Healing potions just stop the bleeding, Slate. Bandages do that just fine. And they’re cheap. Besides, what does it matter if I’m bleeding from empathic feedback if I have a healing potion or not? Odds are it’s not going to kill me. And I’ll scar regardless of how much it bleeds.”
Slate’s eyes flitted briefly to the duster on my back. “That’s not the point, Threnody,” he said quietly. “The point is that your mom is living way outside of her means, and you have very little of your own.”
“I have a few books!” I said defensively, my voice cracking into a slight squeak. How dare he say that! “And I have Scootaloo!”
“And have you seen what my room looks like? Or yours? I’m not saying you need hundreds of material possessions, not by a long shot. But you don’t have a gun, you have very few things of your own, and 80 caps a month on even little things like food isn’t very much to live off of, Threnody,” he explained calmly. “I just… I worry that you’re being taken advantage of.”
I froze, my eyes wide. No I wasn’t! There was no way I was! Mom would never do that! Mom didn’t do that! Sure she was stern, but she’d never take advantage of me. She needed that money for rent! She told me so every time I was able to talk to her on a broadcaster.
“I… thank you for your concern, Slate. Really! But you don’t need to worry. Mom needs that money, and I can make do. I don’t need things. I certainly don’t need a weapon.” I tried to sink down into my chair and make myself as small as possible. “I… you really don’t need to worry about me at all.”
Slate’s expression suggested that he’d likely continue worrying for some time. I looked down at my hooves, just so I didn’t have to look him in the eye. “I’m gonna go wait outside for Glitter Bomb,” I said, bolting toward the door, leaving my cereal largely untouched.
Slate didn’t chase after me when I shut the door behind me. Oh! He made me so mad! How dare he say things like that about my mom!? HOW DARE HE! I kicked a stone on the trail up to Star House hard enough to chip my hoof. RGH! Why this? Now I’d have to buff that out later, otherwise I’d feel like I was missing the front of my forehoof!
I stomped up the stairs to the big oak doors and let myself in. Maybe Blackjack had a hoof file I could borrow.
“Blackjack, are you awake?” I shouted up the stairs. “Can I stay here for a bit?”
There was no answer. It was never good when there wasn’t an answer from Blackjack.
I cautiously started ascending the stairs, stepping gingerly with my chipped hoof. “Blackjack?” I called out again, a bit softer this time. Wait… why was I being quiet? Blackjack wasn’t likely to try to kill me with her brain! And I already knew there wasn’t a cult living in the basement… Ugh, this place was too creepy...
Still no answer.
Reaching her door, I rapped on it with my good hoof. “Blackjack?” I called, hoping that maybe she was still asleep. Maybe Slate like, wore her out or something last night? Still no answer. Carefully I pushed the door open.
There lay Blackjack on the floor next to the tangled sheets of her bed. She reeked of semen and vomit; appropriate as she was glazed in one and was laying in a pool of the other. On her side... oh shit, was she breathing?!
I burst into the room, not caring what stepped in. “Blackjack!” I cried, shaking her roughly as I leaned an ear down to check her breath. Please don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead!
She was dead.
Then she turned her head and coughed, spraying my face with chunks of... I don’t want to know what. She collapsed on her side, opening one red eye to peer up at me. “Almost was there again,” she murmured, and then slowly pushed herself up on her hooves. She spat a mouthful of vileness out. “Morning,” she muttered, her voice low.
I couldn’t move. I had barf on my face. She wasn’t dead! But I had barf on my face! OH SWEET LUNA WHY!?
“ACK!” I said, wiping my forehooves at my face, only to smear some of the vomit from the floor onto my face. Several things happened simultaneously as my body reacted violently to having been thrown up on. First, I sneezed. Then I retched and felt sick myself. Welp, good thing I didn’t get a chance to eat all of my Sugar Apple B-larGH!
“That kind of morning for you too, eh?” Blackjack asked as I voided my stomach, levitating over a fifth of whiskey and sloshing around the amber fluid. “You should pace yourself more, kid. It takes time to drink at my level.” And down went the alcohol.
I whimpered softly as I rubbed my face on my duster. Goddess dammit, that was… oh goddesses I was covered in vomit. And Sandalwood would still be in the shower back at our wing! ARGH!
“I didn’t drink last night,” I rasped. “I got your vomit on my nose, and it made me throw up. Now I’m dirty. Again. I just showered this morning! Motherbucking stupid argh! Why did you drink so much that you threw up!? I thought you died!!”
Blackjack just watched me with this steady, amused smile. “You’re a lot like Glory,” she said quietly, as she tossed the bottle over next to a stack of empties. The part of my head that had cleaned the downstairs winced. Despite the smile, I could feel the pain that poured off her like radiation. Invisible, and so poisonous. How was she not weeping while hurting that much? “Come on,” she said as she started for the door.
I got to all fours and followed after her. Why was I following her? Blackjack was a madpony! She’d nearly died from drinking too much, and now I was following her. Good job, Threnody. This was your best plan ever. Why did you come over to Star House again? Oh… right. Slate was being a jerkface about your mom.
“Where are we going?” I asked, following her out of her room.
Blackjack just looked behind at me, a caked mess of vileness covering her from horn to hoof. She smiled though. Such a strange expression coming from the mare. “Does it matter?” she asked back as she walked down to the front door, levitating a wooden bucket and setting it on her rump before she opened the door and stepped out.
I blinked at her, following her out the doorway, the chip to my hoof long forgotten. “Um… kinda? Cause, well… don’t you want a bath? Cause you’re all… crunchy? And I’m covered in barf. Thanks for that.” I deadpanned.
She didn’t answer as she made her way down the hill towards the immense lake that filled the middle of the Hoof. Water fell in torrents through the broken dams that had once kept a reservoir of water back. “You’re pretty high strung for your age, aren’t you? She asked as she headed towards the shattered base of the dam. Only a chunk of Luna’s face was visible in the concrete. “I remember when I was your age, I was praying no one figured out I couldn’t do magic and that mom would outlive me.”
I lay my ears back at her remark. “I… sorta have to. I mean, I end up caring so nopony else has to. That’ll make you sorta high strung! Well… no, not high strung.” I looked at her and puffed out my cheeks. “I am not high strung!”
She stopped at the base of the old power house. Most of it had crumbled into the water when the dam had collapsed. The water roared down in sheets through the gap, filling the air with mist and rainbows. Blackjack dipped the bucket into the water with her magic and dumped it over her head. Then she repeated the process again. She tossed her mane, sending a sheet of filthy water fanning out as she cleaned herself off. Then she looked at me again, wet mane dripping, black and red stuck to her face. “You’re high strung,” she said quietly.
I pursed my lips, trying to make sure that I didn’t end up pouting. I probably was pouting. This was not helping my case! “How… how’s the water?” I asked, trying to change the subject. “Sandalwood was hogging the shower when I left the Heartmender Wing.”
“Yeah. She loves to sing in the shower,” Blackjack said softly and got another bucket. “It’s cold. It’s clean. It’s wet.” She said as she rubbed her coat to wash out the nastiness. “I like it here. I died here, after all.”
I opened my mouth to respond, then paused. I closed my eyes, listening to the roaring of the falls. Okay, I could see why she might like it. The sound and the remoteness of the power house’s location would make things kinda peaceful. Then my brain caught up with me. “Wait, how do you know that Sandalwood likes to sing in the shower?” Okay, of all the thoughts running through my brain, why did that one have to be the first that came to mind!? Argh...
“Probably because I was in the shower with her,” she replied as she levitated up another bucket of water and held it out to me. The water was so clear and clean that I could see huge chunks of the dam in the water below us, descending down into the depths of the almost perfectly round lake. A lake that likely mirrored the shape of my eyes at the present moment.
What.
She pursed her lips a moment, then dumped the bucket of water over my head.
What?
“Are you okay?” Blackjack asked as my mane dripped. She waved a hoof before my eyes. “Did I break you?”
“I have so many questions.” I said, shivering at the cold water. “First of all… WHY DIDN’T YOU WARN ME!?” I squeaked at her, pointing down at my soaked duster. “I could have at least taken this off! And second--”
I got a second bucket of water dumped on my head.
I huffed. “How… why… shower… what?” My coat was soaked. My duster was soaked. The chunks of gross were gone, but now my wet mane clung to my face. My ponytail was going to be a mess to try to get out later. I looked around to see if there was at least some place I could temporarily ditch my duster. The thick leather jacket was only making the water feel colder.
“Well, I could have undressed you but if I recall, you don’t like that. And you seemed like you needed a reset. Besides, you should be glad I only used water. My first impulse was to kiss you.” She said with a grin before she got a third bucket.
I sighed, and shimmied out of my duster, draping the wet garment on the boulders. I pinned my wings to my back, hoping that the spiderweb of scars that crisscrossed my hide wouldn’t catch her attention. “Okay. Dump away,” I said, resignation heavy in my voice. “But you didn’t answer why you showered with Sandalwood.”
She poured it over my body. “Probably because I had sex with Sandalwood,” she replied evenly. “She needed a reset too,” she said casually, finishing the impromptu shower so I was at least clean again. “What? Is that a problem?” she asked with a frown.
I wasn’t really sure how to answer that. Especially not since, at the moment, my surprise had my wings standing on end and I had bigger things to worry about than why my boss was, oh, I don’t know, SLEEPING WITH THE CLIENT! “Um…” I started, snapping my wings close against my back again. “That’s… er… we’re… unless you’re Slate? We’re not supposed to… do that with you.”
“But am I allowed to do it with you?” She asked as she laid down on the rock, folding her hooves under her. “Sometimes it’s fun when I get to be the therapist and they get to be the client, you know?” She asked as she stared at me evenly.
I trotted over to the rock my duster was on, and wiggled under the garment. At least under here I felt a little safer. “But… Heartshine says it’s not allowed. That it’s bad for heartmenders to do that unless their talent happens to allow them to do it. And no you’re not allowed to do it with me! You’re what? 25?” I asked incredulously. “I’m 14!”
She just stared at me a moment, the just shrugged. “In 99, fourteen was old enough to have been round the block at least once.” She just shrugged again. “I guess it’s not your age I see. You’re cute. You’re flustered. You’re tied up in knots. I’d like to make you feel really, really good. Some of that ‘no-strings attached’ sex that you were talking about before. It’s something I can do. Something that I like. And most ponies like it too under the right conditions.”
She stared in the direction of Star House. “Sandalwood was tied up in knots. She was doubting if she even was a Heartmender, and Cinnamon wasn’t making it any easier on her. She was failing with me and she was hurt. I helped her feel good. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t that into mares. I was there. I was willing. She needed me. The fact she was my therapist or whatever didn’t matter. I could help her, and so I did.” Blackjack paused, “I would rather you didn’t tell Cinnamon if you could help it. She’s way too much like some ponies I’ve wanted to shoot.”
“Gee, I wonder why…” I muttered. “Couldn’t be her gorgeous looks, or maybe it’s her absolutely winning personality!” I let the sarcasm flow. “But I won’t tell her. This… well, today is sort of ‘off record’ anyway. I was going to ask if you wanted to go into town with me because I think my friend is coming over. Though, now you’re telling me secrets about my boss, and telling me I should have sex. I don’t want to have sex. Even if you do taste like saltwater taffy.” I added with a huff.
Blackjack just smiled at me as her pain was suppressed by bubbly amusement and warm affection. “I’m not the only pony that talks,” she said with a chuckle, and then she gave another shrug. “If you don’t want to, then you don’t. If you think you shouldn’t, then you shouldn’t. I think that sex is good. I like it. Yeah, it went bad for me once... really bad... but I got through it. I didn’t let it spoil something in the wasteland that brings me joy.” She then narrowed her eyes. “So. Why don’t you? Just because your age?” she asked casually.
I froze. I didn’t really know what to tell her. I… really didn’t like the answer myself. And maybe, just maybe, if I stayed still enough, she’d get bored and leave, and I wouldn’t have to tell her. So I just stared at her awkwardly.
She lay there for almost a minute before she replied, “That bad, huh? Sorry.” She said as she rose and gave herself a shake. “Well, let’s go to town.”
I relaxed, then wriggled my hooves into my duster. I stood and followed after her, walking a half pace behind the mare. “I… sorry.” I said lamely. I didn’t know what to say, really.
“For what?” Blackjack asked as she looked back at me, a smile on her face, but her eyes held a measure of gentleness.
For declining her? For being hurt? For being weak? For being hurt in the first place? For not being able to talk about it? What did I have to be sorry for?
I guess that I really didn’t have anything to say about it. Nor did I have anything to be sorry for. “I…” I started again, then frowned. Luna fuck me with the moon. Who just was the therapist here? “It’s nothing. I just feel badly when I do that and give somepony that look when my mouth decides it doesn’t want to work.”
“Well, don’t worry about it,” she said as she trotted ahead of me. “It took Sandalwood a few weeks too before I was in the shower with her. And look at us. Three days and already we’re washing together.” She gave me another look back. “I’ll find out eventually. Should be interesting when we talk about it.”
My ears wilted and my wings drooped. “I’m 14. And you dumped buckets of water on my head. We. Did not. Shower. Together!” I squeaked. “Did I mention I’m 14!?”
“So it’d be okay if you were 15?” she asked as she walked on.
“Not particularly,” I said, following after her. “I just am reminding you that in some polite societies I’m what is referred to as jailbait,” I looked down at my petite, lanky frame. “Heck, in some places, ponies still think I’m a filly!”
“You are a pony who’s 14. If you are a pony who wants to have sex, great. If you don’t, also great. Your age doesn’t magically make you want it or not want it. That’s biology,” she said matter of factly, and then added, “Bear in mind that I learned all of this from a stable that was essentially a sexual nightmare, but the logic seems sound to me.”
I scrunched up my muzzle as we crested the hill that led up to Star House. “Not to me,” I admitted, then gasped at the sight of the two alicorns talking to Sandalwood and Slate. “Glitter Bomb!” I shrieked, taking wing and dashing toward the big purple mare.
The alicorns and the heartmenders turned to watch me rocket across what had been Star House’s lawn, only to collide with the purple one, giving her as big a hug as I could manage.
Glitter Bomb squealed like an excited filly, wrapping her wings around me. “Thren!” She said excitedly. “I was hoping I’d get to see you!”
Slate and Sandalwood exchanged confused looks as Dry Clean Only chuckled. “Good to see you again, Threnody,” The mare said softly. “Caledonia wondered if you might not be here.”
I smiled back at the blue mare around Glitter’s feathers. “I was just hoping you’d be bringing Glitter with you!”
“Of course she’d bring me with her! I’m like, her number one assistant!” Glitter Bomb said with an excited grin. “Isn’t that right, Dry?”
Dry rubbed her forehead near the base of her horn. “Um, yes. Of course Glitter. Best assistant.” She looked down the way toward Blackjack standing near where I’d launched myself from. “Is that Miss Go Fish?” Dry Clean asked, turning to face Sandalwood.
‘Go Fish?’ I mouthed at Sandalwood, then remembered Cinnamon’s assessment. Go Fish had been Blackjack’s real name!
Sandalwood nodded, which caused Glitter Bomb to drop me. The big purple mare reared up on her hind legs and waved at Blackjack. “Hi Fishie!”
Blackjack stood there a moment with a tiny frown, her head cocked as she stared at all of us. Somehow, the sight of an alicorn reared up on her hind legs, waving and grinning like an idiot didn’t seem to baffle her in the slightest. The small smile returned, but I could feel the stew of emotions churning behind that expression. Sweet Happiness. Bubbly amusement. But also salty envy and bitter jealousy. And, as always, pain. She trotted up, her smile a practiced mask as she looked up at the large mare. “Hello Dry Clean Only.” Then she looked over at the other. “Glitter Bomb.”
And then I felt it. Hate. Like boiling flamer fuel. It was burning up inside her, pressuring, barely contained despite that calm, serene smile. The kind of hate that wanted to blow a pony’s head off just by thinking about it. Not a hint could be seen behind that placid smile, but in that moment, I was sure she was going to kill my best friend!
“Go Fish, Glitter and I were going to ask if you wanted to come with us into Chapel,” I said slowly and evenly. “Glitter, maybe you should show Go Fish your impression of the Goddess. It always seems to make the other alicorns laugh.”
Glitter Bomb giggled, and then took on a pompous expression. But what came out of her mouth, was far from pompous at all. “My children, I… SHUT UP GLITTER BOMB. You are always thinking too loud! Why do you always think, Glitter Bomb? I made you to not think! I’m cutting you out of Unity! I’m the Goddess and I’m stoopid!” She said, her voice slightly husky as she tried to make herself sound as unintelligent as possible. She finished by sticking out her tongue and crossing her eyes as she looked at Blackjack.
Please don’t kill my friend… I silently pleaded.
If anything, the mix turned even more toxic and bitter. I was certain that at any second she was going to do her magic bullet thing and blow Glitter’s head off. She grit her teeth and narrowed her eyes. “Funny,” she said, her voice dropping a little. “Goddess told me I was too dumb for Unity too. Then she took me anyway, and nearly made me kill the Lightbringer. Then...” and she clenched her eyes shut, tears starting down her cheeks. “Then!” And with that, there was a flash of magic and she disappeared from sight.
“Oh for the love of...” Sandalwood immediately checked her pipbuck. “She’s at the old Hoofington Museum. Can you find her?” She asked Slate.
He nodded, “Sure. It’s just a blown up foundation. Should be able to talk her back. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always plan B.”
Sandalwood yet again looked like she didn’t like the sound of Plan B. Glitter Bomb looked like she was going to cry.
“But… everypony says that’s funny… because the Goddess was dumb…” She said with a pout. I reached up and lightly patted her shoulder.
“Um… Slate? Do you want me and Glitter to go get her?” I asked. “I know I don’t have a pipbuck, but if you could tell us where it is, we could try to bring her back.”
Sandalwood rubbed her chin. “I’m not sure that’s a good id-”
Glitter Bomb interrupted, nodding in vehement agreement with me. “I want to tell the fishie I’m sorry.”
“She’s not a fishie, Glitter,” Dry Clean chided gently.
“Miss Fishie.”
“...Close enough.”
Sandalwood and Slate exchanged looks. “You’ve had more success with her than either of us. Do you think you can talk her down, Threnody?” Sandalwood asked, showing me the map of the area.
I nodded. “And I figure that we’ll be safe. Right Glitter?” I asked, looking up at my friend.
The purple alicorn nodded her head. “Yeppers! Right as rain!” She said with a smile.
Dry Clean Only looked concerned. “Glitter, I just want you to be on your best behaviour. I know that you and Miss Caledonia just talked about mares and stallions, but that doesn’t mean you need to go and try to figure out how it works in real life.”
What. Oh… oh dear. Why did somepony explain that to her? WHY IS EVERYONE’S MIND ON SEX!?
I mooshed Glitter Bomb’s face between my forehooves. “Glitter is too innocent and pure to ever want to do icky things with boys, right?” I asked, looking my friend in the eye. Glitter wore the most unconvincingly innocent smile I'd ever seen. Sandalwood merely coughed into her hoof as Slate chuckled.
“Think you can keep yourselves out of trouble?” He asked, smirking at me. “Go Fish, colts, or otherwise?”
I frowned at him, laying my ears back. “Yes, Slate. We will go find her, and we’ll bring her back. And not get any weird diseases along the way.” I promised.
Glitter Bomb looked absolutely puzzled. “Wait, colts can give you diseases?!”
… It was going to be a very long walk…
“Oh my goddess Luna, Glitter Bomb, I get it! You’re tall! It’s hard to find colts your height! UGH!” I shrieked as Glitter began to angst about it for the fourth time since we’d started walking. I mean, I knew that, developmentally speaking, the alicorn was my age. Sort of. I just wished she hadn’t picked up boy-crazy while we were apart.
“But… but Threnody!” She whined. “How am I supposed to find a stallion that is as big as me?!” She asked with a pout. “The only one I know is Paladin Stronghoof, and he’s very attached to Psalm. She’s his princess! And princesses are special. I’m… just Glitter-y.”
I sighed. “No, Glitter, you are special. But you haven’t met that special somepony yet. I mean, what do you even want in a stallion?” I asked, figuring I might as well get it out of her.
“I’d like him to be purple.”
“And…?”
“Tall.”
“...And…?”
“Purple?”
I smacked my hoof against my forehead. “Um, Glitter, your list of what you want in a stallion is a bit um…?”
“Perfect? Dreamy? Purple? The best thing ever?!” She asked excitedly.
“Yeah… let’s… go with that.” I said as we approached a large ruin almost due north of Chapel. We’d passed a train tunnel that led down into a dark, murky shaft filled with cold water, but something had blinked down in those depths. I remembered a famous saying in the Hoof: Never go down. The building we approached had once been an impressive two story structure, but something had blown it apart. Only one wall remained standing. The rest had collapsed in a heap. In the centre, I could see the brown bones of a dragon, untouched by whatever had ruined the structure. Its claws were missing.
Then, on the loading dock behind the building sat Blackjack. She stared off into a gap between two trees, head tilted, spattered in blood. Two enormous mutated bear corpses lay next to her, their heads reduced to so many chunks of gory bone.
“Whoa! Are you some kind of ninja, Fishie?” Glitter Bomb called out before I could shush her. “You got two yao guai all by yourself! That’s amazing! I couldn’t do that!” I grabbed onto Glitter Bomb’s tail and tugged her back toward me. Well, I tried to. What really happened was that my overly enthusiastic friend dragged me across the remains of the museum’s parking lot.
I released Glitter’s tail and flew over to land a few feet from Blackjack. “Blackjack?” I asked softly, low enough that Glitter couldn’t hear me call her that. “Are… you okay?” I started to dig through my saddlebags for the bandages I always carried on me.
She just looked at me, and in her eyes was a reminder that that was a stupid question. Then she returned her gaze to the split in the trees. “I’m fine. The blood is all theirs,” she said quietly. “Wasn’t that hard, really. Didn’t even need S.A.T.S.” She said as she sat, and I was left to sift through the toxic mat of emotions. It was like somepony had dumped a paint store of emotions in her and I could barely sort out what was what.
I frowned, then pulled out a clean rag and reached across to wipe a bit of blood from her side. As promised, it didn't reveal any oozing cuts or lacerations. “What… happened?” I asked as Glitter Bomb approached us. Some wisdom must have stopped her about 10 feet from where the two of us sat.
“I’m really sorry if I upset you by saying the Goddess was dumb,” Glitter said, laying her ears back and settling down on her belly, tucking her forelegs under herself.
“It’s not that,” she said as she gestured to the trees. “That’s where I first saw Lacunae. It was raining, and I couldn’t see her very well. I thought she was Princess Luna or something.” She closed her eyes. “I saw you and I had very mean thoughts, Glitter Bomb. I’m sorry for that. I should have done better,” she said hollowly.
Glitter Bomb paused, then cocked her head to the side. “You knew Lacunae?” She asked, wiggling an ear. “She was very nice. The Goddess was really mean to her, but I mean, at least she didn’t like, yell at her. She just made us give Lacunae all our hurts. I had to give her my memories of my mommy.” She said with a sigh. “I don’t know anything about her. I just… remember she worked a lot. That’s why I was in Maripony when everything went all BOOOM!” She said, making a mushroom cloud with her magic.
“Glitter Bomb was a filly when she joined Unity,” I explained. “That’s why she’s… well, big, but mentally my age.”
“I know,” Blackjack said. “I was in Unity. I remember Glitter Bomb. I remember so many others that I’ve never met since then.” She said as she closed her eyes. “It didn’t matter after the Goddess died because I never had a chance to catch up... but I remember. And lots of them remember ‘Go Fish’, the one that made the Goddess so mad.” She just shook her head. “I never thought about it till I had time to think about it.”
Glitter Bomb pouted at Blackjack. “That’s no fair that you remember! All the other ponies remember me, too! I just remember the Goddess. And her being worried about the Grande Pegasus Enchilada.”
“Grand Pegasus Enclave, Glitter.” I corrected her.
“Yeah, that! I mean… I don’t even remember Dry Clean Only’s name! She doesn’t remember her name! It was just written in her hat!” Glitter explained.
Blackjack actually smiled a little. “When Unity collapsed, there wasn’t much time for the Goddess to put everything back right. Some minds ended up in the wrong bodies, or lost all together.” She closed her eyes. “Lacunae had tens of thousands of memories trapped inside her. She gave them all back, even though it cost her her existence.” She sniffed as tears ran down her cheek, as she looked at Glitter. “My friend died so that the other alicorns could be free.”
Glitter’s ears drooped and the purple mare started to cry. “I’m sorry, Fishie! I didn’t know that! I just knew I woke up and I could remember my name and stuff!” She sniffed, wiping her eyes with a hoof. “I would have been okay not knowing and been given a pretty name like Orange Blossom or Tater Tot if it meant your friend was okay.”
I fluttered over to Glitter’s side and lightly laid a wing over her back. As much of her back as I could reach, anyway. Then Blackjack moved as well. Faster than I expected, she reached out and wrapped her hooves around Gitter’s neck, letting out a little sob as she hugged her tight. “I miss her so much, Glitter!” she cried in her neck. “She said she wasn’t ever a pony, but she was. She was!” she repeated as she blubbered.
The collected waves of Glitter and Blackjack’s grief washed over me, and I started crying too. Crying for all the ponies who’d been lost. Crying for Blackjack. Crying for Glitter. Crying for me. I hated grief. It was a terrible storm that nopony could escape.
But at the same time, as we were all wrapped up in each other’s embrace, we weathered it together. Slowly but surely Glitter’s ebbed, and she wrapped a wing around Blackjack and I. Blackjack’s grief, as potent as it was, slowly drained away as well and with it the pressure of those toxic emotions released too. After ten minutes of snotty sniffles, sobs, and ‘I’m sorry’s’, the tears finally abated. “Oh, wow. If my enemies could see me now. Big, bad, Blackjack blubbering like a foal.” She released Glitter and wiped her eyes. “Thanks. I feel better. Crying is puking for the soul.”
For some reason, that line just killed me, and I started laughing uproariously. “I’d rather you cry on me than puke on me again, Blackjack!”
Glitter Bomb seemed to miss the name change that Blackjack and I had slipped up on, and giggled herself. “Barf is gross. Crying is better. Eye vomit is easier to clean up.” She said sagely.
“Yeah, you’re right there,” Blackjack said as she smiled, and for the first time I had a glimpse at the mare that so many admired. A glow of new strength seemed to peek through, no longer covered by the morass of her angst. “Now, why don’t we head into Chapel and see if there’s any fun to be had, huh?”
“Oh! Yeah! I brought your stipend along, Threnody!” Glitter Bomb said, levitating a small bag of caps out of her saddle bags. “Snack cakes?” She asked.
Blackjack and I exchanged glances, then nodded. “Snack cakes.”
“A wasteland of embarrassment and social upheaval can be neatly avoided by following a single precept in life: Do Not Lie.” - Crabapple, husband to 1st Century after the fall of Nightmare Moon heartmender Winter Willow
Oh my goddess Luna, wherever you happened to be, did they ever stop talking about sex!? As soon as Glitter Bomb started detailing her struggles with finding a ‘boy’ that was ‘her size’, she and Blackjack had launched into a very scientific analysis of the intricate details about the ways ponies could make each other feel good. If I heard the phrase ‘feeling buttery and soft inside’ out of Blackjack one more time, I was going to scream! The subject of sex gave me feelings as well, but none of them could be described as ‘soft’ or ‘buttery’. Gross!
Glitter Bomb sighed as we trotted along the old, rusted railroad tracks. “I’m so glad I wasn’t born a boy. Having something weird between your legs just seems… uncomfortable,” She said, skipping slightly as she tried to delicately balance herself on the rusted track with her dinner plate-sized hooves. I was just thankful the conversation was drifting back to something I could take part in. “What do you think, Fishie?”
“I think you probably get used to anything you’re born with. I’ve experienced being a stallion in a memory orb,” Blackjack explained, stepping evenly along the railroad ties. “It was… honestly, kinda built up too quick and over too fast for my tastes. I like to take my time with a pony. Really work things around, you know?” Sweet Celestia, I hope not!
I laid my ears back as sex reared its foul head. Again. It made me glad that I was starting to trail behind the two of them as they spoke.
Glitter Bomb managed to save my sanity. “Oh! I’m not allowed to use memory orbs. Cally and Dry Clean says they’ll teach me when I’m older, but not yet.”
“Teach?” Blackjack knit her brows. “What’s there to teach? You tap your horn to it and swoosh, off you go.”
“Well, they want me to be respectful of other pony’s privacy.” She explained with a nod.
One of my ears stood straight up. “Don’t… you already do that, Glitter?” I asked, confused as to why a long dead pony’s privacy would be an issue.
Glitter Bomb stopped her prancing along the track, and turned to give me a guilty look. “I may have sort of gone through Dry Clean Only’s things and borrowed her Wingboner magazine at one point or another. Without asking…” Blackjack instantly broke out laughing.
Well, that would do it.
“Which edition? I keep looking for the Spitfire one!” Blackjack blurted between guffaws.
“Um… actually Callie managed to find a Soarin’ edition. And there was this really, really tall stallion as the centrefold,” Glitter swooned. “He was very, very pretty to look at. That was around the time that I found Callie’s special carrot that I’m not supposed to touch because it goes buzz buzz if you touch it wrong.”
Mother Luna, please have mercy on the soul of this poor, overworked heartmender and just let me die…
Blackjack blinked, screwing up her face. “Special carrot? What kind of carrot buzz– oh! A toy! Glory had those too.” Her expression barely faltered, but there was no mistaking the sadness in her eyes. She shook herself and continued. “Well, you probably don’t want to be touching that without permission, considering where it goes.” She looked back at me. “Are you always going to lag behind like that, and just shadow us? Come on! Join the conversation!”
I frowned. I usually hung back. That was kind of my thing. When I went out with my mom back in Junction City, I always hung back a pace. When I was with the older Heartmenders, I hung back a pace more. “I’m not shadowing you,” I countered tartly. “You two were just having your conversation, and I had nothing constructive to add. I know about sex, how it works, and all of the other stuff. It just doesn’t interest me the way it does the two of you.”
The pair exchanged glances, then Glitter’s horn lit up, wrapping me in her shimmering purple magic.
“Ack! Glitter! Put me down!” I squeaked, wiggling in protest as she set me down on her broad back. Seriously! We talked about this! The small pegasus is not for picking up!
“There, now you’re at least with us like a friend should be. You don’t have to talk, just be with us, silly!” She said with a grin. “Now Blackjack, can I ask you-?”
I tuned out the conversation as I rode along on Glitter’s back, opting instead to enjoy the ride and look out across the gradually greening countryside that was the Hoof. Things were slowly changing out there, but Equestria was still crying out in pain. Heartshine said that something would one day come and bring life back to the wasteland. It’d help heal Equus’ hurts. Hurts we ponies inflicted.
Glitter’s laughter brought me back into the moment. The steady waves of genuine, uncomplicated mirth rippling off of her and Blackjack brought a smile to my muzzle. Blackjack was smiling and she actually meant it! And so was Glitter.
“Ponies can be so funny about things like that, can’t they?” Glitter asked.
Blackjack nodded in agreement and kept walking. I frowned at the back of Glitter’s head, then at the side of Blackjack’s head. Wait a second.
Blackjack wasn’t flirting with Glitter! What!? Glitter was super cute, and she was really sweet! And a lovely, curvy, purple mare to boot! I was always a little envious of her exquisitely sculpted rump. If she weren’t so darn tall, she’d probably get quite a few stallions all to herself with that rear and her pretty face.
“Oh! So that’s why mares can still feel good when you take it up the tailhole…” Glitter said pensively in response to whatever she and Blackjack had been talking about. Frankly, I was confused and terrified by it out of context. Though I couldn’t imagine context could do much to salvage that statement.
“Relaxation, lube, relaxation, and more lube. That’s the key.” Blackjack stated with a smile. “I thought it was kinda cool, too! Our teacher, Blissful Heart, always said that the clitoris was kind of like a button with a plastic flap cover. You have to work the cover off to really push it.” She caught my expression of consternation as she discussed the scientific properties of a pony’s most intimate parts with my friend. “What? Sex Ed was the one class you paid attention to in 99. This really, really shouldn’t shock you.” She asked, smirking up at me.
I shook my head. “No, that… actually doesn’t surprise me in the slightest,” I admitted with an anaemic chuckle. “I was more confused because you were actually getting kinda like… scientific and biological about it.”
Glitter craned her head back and looked at me. “Well, isn’t that part of being a pony interesting to you? I mean, bodies are really cool and fascinating, and I’ve been having a lot of fun helping Caledonia out in her clinic. She’s always been really awkward to talk to about stuff like why things work like they do when you’re doing stuff like sex,” She explained, giggling. “So it’s nice to have somepony older than me actually just talk about it!”
“If you’re comfortable with it, Glitter, I could just show you. If you want,” Blackjack said casually as she smiled up at the larger mare.
Oh Luna. No. No no no no no! Not while I’m sitting on her back! I took back all of my thoughts about Blackjack not hitting on Glitter. I didn’t like this. Blackjack may only be 21 years old, sort of, but Glitter Bomb was closer to my age of 14! That’s… quite an age gap, even discounting Blackjack’s considerable edge in… experience.
“Does it feel really that good? Cause like, I read books all the time about what it’s like to be… aroused? But I don’t think I know what that feels like. That might be fun!” My friend explained, dooming herself to a world of messy, confusing feelings in the process.
“If you’re with the right pony and you’re ready for it, it usually feels really good. Kinda strange. A little scary. A bit fun.” Her smile then disappeared, looking up at Glitter and saying seriously, “If you’re with the wrong pony, it can really, really hurt you though. You’re really vulnerable during sex, and the worst kinds of pony like hurting a mare with sex.”
Um, Blackjack? You hurt stallions with sex in 99. That’s… kind of fucked up that you’re only thinking of the damage to mares! I thought as I listened to her, feeling my stomach knot up with anxiety. I hadn’t liked the sex conversation before. Now I was liking it even less.
“That’s what magic bullet spells are for.” The smile returned, a little less eager, “Not to put you off, of course. Just, only you can decide where and when and who you want to do it with.” Then she grinned, “But in my personal opinion, it feels great.”
Okay. No. I was wrong. She was hitting on Glitter. But… BJ was making progress. Could I step in without screwing that up? I didn’t want to see Glitter hurt…
“Are you the right kind of pony, Fishie?” Glitter asked, cocking her head to the side.
Blackjack just motioned for her to come closer, and when Glitter lowered her head down, she leaned up and gave Glitter a soft kiss. “When it comes to sex, I’m best pony.” She then glanced at me, adding, “Now if you’re talking about love... better talk to Thren, or anypony else.”
Glitter may or may not have been listening to Blackjack, as she appeared to be frozen with her lips slightly pursed. She slowly lifted her forehoof to her lips, then frowned. “That… was sex?” She asked innocently. In spite of my own discomfort with a situation that was rapidly evolving before me, I did my best to not fall off her back laughing.
Blackjack laughed too. “That was the first page of a great big book called sex. I can read the rest to you later, if you like.”
My hoof met my face repeatedly as Glitter replied. “Well… I kinda like page one so far. I’ve never read page one! What’s page two?”
“Glitter, did you miss the part about love in that?” I asked, seizing my moment to interject some semblance of common sense into the conversation. “Though I don’t know why Bl- Go Fish thinks I’m an expert at love.” Okay, seriously, this was too weird. Clearly Glitter wasn’t really up for sex. Why the hell wasn’t Blackjack seeing this?
“Love isn’t sex. Sex isn’t love. You can love someone and never have sex with them, and you can have sex without loving a person,” her smile faded a bit. “I hurt a mare who always treated them as one and the same. It could have been avoided,” she murmured and then shook her head. “Anyway, love is something a lot more special than sex. Sex is feeling good. Love is... a whole lot bigger and deeper than just sex, and a heartmender would probably know more than I would.” Then she looked at Glitter Bomb and grinned. “Want to go back to Star House and read page two? We can go back into town later.”
I stared down at Blackjack as she tried to persuade my friend into bed. I didn’t like it. I knew that Glitter was curious, and her virginity wasn’t something she particularly valued, but it still bothered me just how… predatory Blackjack could be when it came to sex. The little kiss. The light teasing. Glitter was mentally my age! What the hell, Blackjack!?
Glitter smiled down at Blackjack. “I think I could go for reading page two! Maybe even three!” She paused thoughtfully. “But maybe not four just yet. That’s… kind of a lot of words to read. And I’m lazy when it comes to reading.” She admitted.
Glitter. Why!?
Blackjack then looked back at me, eyes narrowed with wicked amusement. “Want to join us, Threnody? Supervise? Make sure nothing bad happens?” Oh now there was some spicy cattiness coming off her. She was enjoying seeing me squirm like this!
I swallowed slowly as I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment. I had to respond carefully. Somehow I felt that ‘bitch, you’re already trying to fuck my best friend, don’t think I work like that, you dumb ho!’ wasn't the best response. Certainly not the most professional sounding. And such language in front of Glitter!
“I don’t do supervision. If… Glitter thinks it’s a good idea, then I guess she’s old enough to make that choice for herself.” I replied, knowing my eyes had flicked to sharpened jade at the catty undertones in Blackjack’s mood. Do not try me, Blackjack. I already said no.
Glitter appeared to be blissfully ignorant of the subtext of our mutual exchange. “Well, that just means more pages for me!” The alicorn started skipping slightly, making it a challenge for me to stay on her back.
I started to flutter, and glared at the two of them. Blackjack was all aglow with spicy cattiness and sultry, sweet desire. Glitter, on the other hoof, was the bright, lightness that is curiosity and excitement. … And if I admitted it to myself, I found myself feeling the rather weighty and ugly feeling of fear for Glitter’s excitement.
I darted off about a couple hundred feet, landing on a bridge that the old railroad crossed. Huffing, I stamped my forehoof. “Blackjack! What you’re doing is wrong!” I muttered to myself. “Why are you trying to take advantage of my friend!? Sure, she’s sweet and kind, but she’s… so much less mature than you!”
She looked my way and disappeared in a flash. Oh Shit. A moment later, I heard her words in my ear, “What’s your problem, Threnody?” The words... she hadn’t used words like that to me before. Low. Sharp. And the feeling of hot, molten anger bubbled out of her. “You don’t want to do it. Fine. You want to tell me its wrong, then we’re going to have a fight about it. You want that?” she hissed softly.
I glanced down the tracks as Glitter looked around for Blackjack, then started trotting toward us, and I faced Blackjack, trying to let my icy anger harden her molten emotions. “Fine. I am saying it’s wrong. I said no, so you hit on my friend. How is that fair? That’s… that’s almost downright predatory, Blackjack!” I said slowly and evenly.
“You said no. She said yes. Where the hell do you get off telling her that what she wants is wrong? Do you think I’m looking to hurt her? That I want to do to her what was done to me? Sex is one of the few honest to goodness good things left in the world, so why am I suddenly wrong for wanting to make her first experience a good one?”
I stamped a hoof and snorted. I didn’t understand. I knew Blackjack had some weird morals when it came to sex and sexuality, but I didn’t understand. So I said so.
“I don’t get it! I don’t get why or how you are able to be so detached from the emotions of sex! It makes no sense!” I blurted. “You sit there and justify the fact that you want her first time to be good, but you sort of overlook the fact that she’s so much mentally younger than you! And you have absolutely no problem trying to hit on me, who is also younger than you!” I argued. “So why are you so detached from the idea that maybe the age difference is bigger than you think?!”
“I’m detached? Sex is passion and feeling and sweat and making another person feel joy. I love those moments where I can actually make another person feel good instead of miserable. Is that fucking wrong, Threnody?” she challenged. “Again, do you think I’m planning on hurting her?”
I pursed my lips, and stood up as tall as I could. “I… I don’t know that, and it scares me! I don’t want to see her hurt!” I danced around the issue. Please leave it at that. Please. Please.
She repeated, her voice low. “Do you think I am planning on hurting her?”
“I-”
“Threnody! Look out!” Glitter shouted.
Blackjack and I looked down the tracks at my friend, and in an instant, something long, sharp, and extremely painful embedded itself in the right side of my barrel, just ahead of my hind leg. I screamed as whatever it was dragged me off of the bridge, a burning sensation pulsing into my side. I tried to fly, which managed to dislodge me from whatever had hit me, and I awkwardly cartwheeled through the air and slammed into the dirt canyon below the tracks.
My reunion with the ground hurt only a little less than the excruciating numbness spreading through my belly. I tried to struggle to my hooves and… I couldn’t move. Oh goddesses, I couldn’t move! Ahead of me, a massive albino radscorpion chittered and turned as Blackjack and Glitter leapt into action. Panic set in as I tried to move my limbs, watching helplessly as the pair struck back.
Blackjack teleported right onto the giant scorpion’s back, shouting, “Get her to safety, Glitter Bomb!” Her compact horn lit up as she conjured a blade of pure magic, and used it to slice off the scorpion’s stinger. Then, before she could be thrown off, she teleported once again at the end of the bridge. She dispelled the blade, and lit her horn again, this time sending out a barrage of magical bolts that streaked through the air, impacting the scorpion’s front and bursting a few of its beady red eyes.
Glitter flew down as Blackjack distracted the monster, and lifted me with her magic. I couldn’t even speak to tell her I was paralysed. I really, really wished I’d had the ability to avert my gaze from my impact site as Glitter picked me up. The alarming quantity of red on the ground was massively disturbing my calm. “Fishie, let’s go!” Glitter shouted at Blackjack as the scorpion shrieked in pain.
Blackjack didn’t seem to respond. She didn’t have any weapons or barding, nor did she need them. She was a mare of raw arcane savagery and bloodlust, continuing to use her magic to tear at the scorpion. When it was close, her magic summoned that brilliant blade again, sweeping it through the outstretched claw before flashing away again. Her sole focus the annihilation of her enemy.
I’d never felt so useless in my life. Here I was, bleeding and paralyzed, and being saved by my client. My duster had done nothing to stop the scorpion’s tail, and as Glitter held me in her magic, all I could do was watch as Blackjack carved the scorpion to ribbons. All I could do was just lie there and bleed.
In less than a minute, the albino scorpion seemed to realize that it had picked a fight with prey bent on breaking some fundamental laws of physics. It tried to get away, but now Blackjack went on the offensive. She raced up behind it, slicing off more of its tail. Then a pair of left legs. Then right. And as she fought, I felt it... even from this distance:
Pleasure. Almost identical to what she felt when having marathon sex with Slate. She didn’t finish until the scorpion was a twitching pile of meat. Breathing hard, smoke rising from her horn, she looked up at Glitter Bomb and I, and I remembered what Sandalwood had told me. ‘She’s one of the deadliest mares alive.’ Now I was seeing it for myself. The Reaper that Sandalwood feared so much.
“Glitter Bomb, she’s poisoned and bleeding. She needs to go to the Collegiate right now! Or at least the medic in Chapel. Can you teleport her?” she asked, grinning despite the gravity of my wounds. That spicy cattiness was back as she stared at me. Like she wanted me to know that she’d just saved my life, and that she did so despite me thinking she was wrong for trying to seduce my friend.
Glitter must have nodded. I think she nodded. My memory got fuzzy right around the point that purple magic wrapped around Blackjack, and I got busy trying not to die.
I gasped awake sometime later, and immediately regretted the impulse to sit up. My entire right side was on fire, and I could feel soft cotton bandages wrapped around my barrel. Shit. Where was I?
Acrid smoke met my nostrils. Oh Luna I’m in Tartarus. “You shouldn’t move too much,” the devil rasped, as I stared at a cracked white wall. “Radscorpion venom’s a potent anticoagulant. Mucks with healing magic like mad.” A pause and the devil asked, “In much pain? I’ve got Med-X.”
I groaned softly. “I… feel like Big Mac just had a marathon tap-dancing session on my ovaries,” I admitted. “But… I don’t like the feeling of Med-X. I… got… something lighter?” I asked, resolving to lay there and speak with the dark lady of hell. She seemed rather nice, offering drugs already.
“Alcohol, but you’re a bit young for the hard stuff. Then again, maybe you’re not,” and the mistress of thes underworld walked into view... and disappointed my expectations. A gray unicorn mare with a messy, dirty blond mane in a doctor’s coat. A cigarette was held between her lips as she walked over to a cabinet and extracted a small bottle. “Wait... ahah! Good. Willowbark extract.” She scooped out a little pile of white powder, put it in a bottle of water, and shaking it vigorously. Tired blue eyes considered me. “So you’re the newest nutcracker they’ve brought in to deal with Blackjack? Heard you were young.”
“I’m fourteen,” I said, my eyes on the water bottle for the moment, hoping it held some relief for the burning pain in my side. Ah crap. Someone else that’ll see nothing but a kid in front of them. I really needed to stop telling ponies my age… “But, yeah, I’m… well, the new filly I guess.” I said with a sigh, trying to experimentally raise my right wing and being rewarded with a blaze of fresh pain. Okay. Nope. Not doing that.
“Not so young then. The way she talked, I thought you were six. Figured they brought in someone that was Blackjack’s mental equal.” She levitated the bottle to my lips. Whatever was in it was dreadfully bitter. “How many people did she kill this time?” Triage asked as that cigarette burned.
I swallowed the bitter drink slowly, then looked up at the doctor. “Nopony. She… just killed a radscorpion. Me getting hurt was a complete accident. I didn’t know I’d landed on it’s home.”
“Well, that’s refreshing. I was afraid she’d gone on one of her walks again, looking for trouble. With her range, you never know when she’s going to disappear, or who she’s going to kill. She always limps back though,” she said, taking the bottle from me and putting it in the sink, rinsing it out.
I tried to put a few things together. “Glitter brought me to the Collegiate, right? You’re Doctor Triage then,” I said, trying to get my bearings a little. “Um…” I looked down at my bandaged side, panic rising in me. I didn’t like the spot I’d been hit. That… “I know my side is a mess and my insides are probably worse, because of the venom. But… did…” I couldn’t ask.
“Relax. You’ll fly. Again. If you’d been on your own, you would have been lunch for sure. Luckily you were in the company of the most dangerous lunatic I’ve ever known.” She took a pull on her cigarette, blasting the smoke out of her nostrils. “She’s waiting nearby. I told her you'd be fine. Just need a few days recovery and some steady healing magic.”
I frowned as Triage answered the obvious question, but not the one I was asking. “Um… and… my insides? I got hit really close to my… my important filly bits if I ever wanted to have foals.” I didn’t care Blackjack was nearby. She just reminded me that I did a stupid and got myself hurt.
“You should be a medical doctor, kid. Your uterus is fine. So’s your bladder, kidneys, ovaries, intestine, and colon.” She paused to take another drag and sighed, “The places I get to stick my horn...” she muttered.
I blushed. The thought of somepony’s horn inside of me just felt wrong. Especially if it went inside from my side. Unless she went in… other ways. I shuddered. Nope. Not going there.
“I’m sorry to have caused trouble. I… just… I wanted to understand her better, you know? But I don’t. And… I thought for a minute I did.” I admitted, looking down at the floor. “Now I’m not so sure.”
Triage regarded me a moment before she trotted over to an old cushion against the wall and took a seat. “You know about Discord?” she asked, holding the cigarette in her magic.
I shook my head. “Well, sorta? I read a lot of books in my mom’s library about how he was an evil force that made the world all weird, but that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna banished him.” I groaned slightly as my head shaking made my side hurt. Was there anything I could do that didn’t make it hurt?
She nodded once. “Blackjack is like Discord,” she stated somberly.
Glitter would be so disappointed that Blackjack couldn’t make chocolate rain. “I… I see. Mercurial. Byronic. Weird. And sort of like trying to tie down a tornado?” I asked.
“The last part, most of all,” she said as she nodded slowly. “Blackjack’s like a force of nature. She doesn’t really have concrete reasons for things. She doesn’t consider. She doesn’t think. She just does. And whatever has the misfortune of getting in her way finds out the hard way that she will annihilate all opposition.” She took a slow drag. “She scares me to fucking death,” she said as she looked at the door, out. “You can’t imagine the bowel-loosening panic of hearing her cloned body had woken up and was trotting around the hoof again. It’s like knowing there’s a balefire bomb started ticking somewhere in the city, and you don’t know when it’s going to go off.”
I frowned. “Is she really all that scary?” I asked, thinking back to our recent argument. Blackjack was intimidating, sure. And her physical prowess was incredible. But she’d never frightened me. “She’s given me that… that shooty look? The one where it says I sort of want you to die so shut up. But, we kept talking.”
“If you don’t think she is, you’re in the distinct minority,” she said quietly. “She nearly killed me when we first met. Her legs were crippled, and she threatened to kill us all with a spork. Not with her magic. That was burned out. And we didn’t take her seriously. Honestly, I thought she was insane.” She reached up and touched her throat. “Before I knew it, she had me grabbed, and that tiny little horn pressed right against my carotid artery. She could have killed me in seconds, even if it cost her her own life. That was when I realized she was the scariest damned mare I’d ever met, and I’ve worked on and with some bona fide psychos.”
I tried to imagine Blackjack as the scariest mare in the world. But I couldn’t. Not when I knew just who the scariest mare in the world really was. I shuddered. “But… there’s something in her. I mean, Heartshine and the Heartmenders wouldn’t keep trying to rehabilitate her if there wasn’t, right?”
She just regarded me a moment. “There’s something you’re missing, kid. Blackjack doesn’t give up, once she gets going. If she thinks there’s something she has to do, she does it. It doesn’t matter what you throw in her way, she pushes through. It doesn’t matter how you argue, she just doubles down on winning. If she wanted to take out the Collegiate, she could. Or the rest of the Enclave rebels. Or, hell, the Lightbringer in the SPP.” She took a sober drag of her cigarette. “And the absolute most dangerous thing is to try and kill her. She’ll whine and sob about killing a helpless raider, but try and kill her. Hellhounds with hemorrhoids are safer.”
Maybe everything was over my head. I wanted to bring her hope. I wanted to help her heal, and deal with the trauma. I looked at the uncovered cutie mark on my flank, the open book and quill writing down the lament of somepony’s life, and shook my head. “I don’t want to kill her. I want to show her that not everything has to be a fight! That sometimes it’s okay to give up because you’ve done your best! To slow down.” I tried to move, then my side flared in pain again and I lay still. “I can’t even defend myself. I’m pretty much useless.”
Triage just shrugged. “So quit. Blackjack doesn’t have to be your responsibility, kid. Just be thankful she hasn’t tried to get you in bed, yet.” I couldn’t hide the humiliation I felt, and she grunted, covering her face with a growl. “I swear, I’d spay her if I thought it would do anything for her goddess damned libido!”
Wait. “Um… did… she uh, disappear with the alicorn that brought us in? She was actively trying to seduce my friend when we started fighting. I… never gave in. That’s gross and weird. But Glitter, she’s… well, older and yet younger than me. Kinda. She really probably shouldn’t be around Blackjack unsupervised.” I explained, fluttering my wing as I fretted about the fate of my friend’s virtue.
“Relax. Blackjack’s a slut but she’s not knocking hooves in my office.” Then Triage gave the wall a shooty look of her very own. “Or she better not.” She relaxed a little, then looked back at me. “Your friend and she are just waiting. They insisted, actually. They were talking sex-ed last I checked on them.”
I blinked. “How long was I out? And they’re STILL talking about it!?” I mentally frowned as my voice cracked at my question.
“Two hours. And yeah. Your friend is at that curious stage, and for all her faults, Blackjack’s a sexually ethical pony. Perverted like hell, but ethical. She’s not going to do something inappropriate just because she wants to get laid.”
“Then why the hell is she trying to get under my tail?!” I asked for what had to be the third time to the third pony in three days.
Triage furrowed her brows. “She’s tried to force you to have sex after you told her no?”
I shook my head. She’d never forced me. “No. Just…” I sighed. “She got really, really uncomfortably close to me. And it felt wrong. Between that and her always asking why I didn’t want it.”
“So tell her why,” Triage said in her bored drawl as she snuffed out the cigarette. “You’ve obviously got a reason kid. Though yeah, you’re right, telling her no should suffice, but with her, it don’t mean she won’t stop asking. So what would it hurt to tell your story?”
I froze, feeling my eyes widening. I stared at Triage for a long moment. If I didn’t move, she would go away, and stop asking me questions like that.
Triage gazed at me for almost a minute before she gave another grunt, “If you don’t tell her why, she’s going to assume, and I know that she’ll assume it’s because you’re shy or something. She’s got the most selective sensitivity I’ve met in a mare. Tell her somepony sexually assaulted you and she’ll stop. Heck, she’ll probably track the bastard down and butcher him for you. And his friends too... unless he’s got a really good sob story prepared.”
“No stallion ever hurt me!” I snapped, feeling my heart pounding in my chest. “Nothing like that ever happened to me!” I lied, hoping she’d believe me. No. Blackjack couldn’t. She… that’d be bad. Really bad. That’d make everything worse for me. For Blackjack. She’d kill Blackjack! And besides, nothing happened, right? Just believe the little pegasus filly.
Another long gaze. “Kid, hate to tell you, but you’re a really lousy liar,” she finished and rose. “Still, none of my business. Tell her. Don’t tell her. Just don’t think that she’ll stop until you do.” She headed for the door. “You should rest here for the night. Once the toxins metabolize, healing potions should patch you up. Any questions?”
I shook my head, then curled up tight on the hospital bed. “No. Thank you.” I said meekly, wrapping my wings around my body. “I’ll just rest like you said.”
“I’ll tell them you can’t have visitors. Doctor’s orders,” she said and then opened the door. Before the door closed, however, she heard Triage suddenly snap, “No visitors, damn it. She’s recovering!” I imagined a hurt Glitter Bomb and sulky Blackjack.
My blood congealed just fine when I heard Cinnamon’s voice in the hall, “I just wanted to check in on the dear! I can’t imagine why you waited so long to inform us that one of our heartmenders nearly died in Blackjack’s company!”
No! Not now. Please no! I desperately tried to raise what little emotional defenses I could. I didn’t want to see her. It wasn’t Blackjack’s fault!
“I prioritized saving her life over sending a letter. Like I said, she’s recovering. Radscorpion ambushed them and she got stuck. If it hadn’t been for Blackjack, she’d be dead,” Triage said, and a part of me cheered the cantankerous old mare.
Cinnamon’s voice lost a little sugar. “Why, how can you say that? If it weren’t for Blackjack, little Threnody would be doing good work with the Society.” There was a pause and Cinnamon’s throaty chuckle. “Well, since I can’t talk to her, maybe you can tell me if there’s been any changes to Blackjack since she ‘woke up’? Little alterations in her behaviour. Her aggressiveness? Lecherousness?”
Triage didn’t take the bait. “So far she hasn’t show any decompensation of her psyche. Her body’s stable. She tries to rut everything that moves, but that’s not so big a change.”
“But there are changes,” Cinnamon pressed.
Triage let out a sigh. “Her magic’s definitely more than it was before everything blew up. I know she’s descended from Twilight Sparkle, and she’s got Discord’s blood, and she’s been exposed to who knows what on the moon. I expect it’s not going to abate any time soon.”
“Oh, dear, I didn’t know she was unstable!” Cinnamon said with a little gasp. “How horrible.”
“I didn’t say that!” Triage challenged.
“Oh, I think you did, doctor,” she countered in that soft, sweet voice. “Well, it’s good that Threnody was treated so promptly. I’d hate to think what we’d have to do if Blackjack got one of our members killed.” The saccharine sweetness of her voice suddenly laced itself with rat poison. “It would be most unfortunate indeed.”
Blackjack didn’t do anything to me! I screamed internally, but I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth. My tongue was coated lead, and nothing would roll off it in defense of my client. I heard her hooves trotting away before Triage muttered, “Cunt,” and then closed the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I stayed curled up for several minutes, just focusing on my breathing. Following my breath was an exercise Willow Glen had taught me to help me calm down. She said that sometimes it was helpful just to get your mind off of things.
But my mind didn’t want to get off of things. It wanted to think about why Cinnamon hated Blackjack so much. I could see the reverse, but Cinnamon’s dislike for the mare was starting to feel like it was personal. My mind wanted to know if I was doing the right thing. My mind wanted to chastise me for being so weak and stupid and getting myself hurt.
Worst of all, it refused to stop thinking about the lie that Triage wouldn’t buy from me.
I didn’t understand. Everything felt so… normal just a few days ago. Now everything felt huge and out of reach. And that was extremely frustrating because I was already small for my size. I looked across the room at a floor length mirror, and sighed as I looked at my small, frail body. When did my spine start being so pronounced? Why did I look so tiny all of a sudden?
I didn’t know how long it was before the door cracked open. I closed my eyes, dreading who it might be, but I was shocked to behold a familiar earth pony mare when I rolled over and looked to see who it was. Her sea-foam green hide was covered with bandages, and when I’d seen her last, her mane had been almost to her knees. Now it nearly reached the floor. Still, I remembered that dark, concerned green eye peering at me in the dim light of the hospital room. “Howdy,” she said, her voice low. “How you doin’? I reckon I ain’t supposed to be visitin’ ya, but I couldn’t resist.”
I rolled over as best I could, and offered her a smile. “I’ve… been better, Willow Glen,” I admitted honestly. “I would not recommend a radscorpion as an acupuncturist.”
She slumped, smiling in relief. “So Blackjack didn’t do that to ya? Thank the Goddesses. I was afraid you’d gotten her feedback too.” She gestured at the bandage across her face. “Been, what, three weeks? Still ain’t fixed. I can feel her all the time, still. You?”
I shook my head. “I… maybe if I tried?” I admitted, but I hadn’t been trying to feel anypony at the moment. I was working on just not falling apart. “I’m sorry for what happened to you, Willow. When I heard you’d burned out, I got really, really worried! You were the only one who really… well, treated me like I might be something when you found me in Junction City.” I said, closing my eyes.
“Shucks. Twern’t nothin,” she said with a little smile. “I’m just sorry I couldn’t stick it out. I tried. I thought Blackjack was gonna buck herself right out of that pit she wallows in.” Smile disappeared. “Didn’t take. She nearly blew her brains out in front of me. So much dang guilt and anguish, it tore me open. Then she was guilty about that... darn near killed me before Slate got her away.”
I let my ears droop. So that was what had happened. “Nopony told me what happened, Willow. That’s… I can’t imagine how painful it was to take that much guilt from her.
“So Cinnamon didn’t give you my notes? Typical,” she snorted. “Probably ‘accidentally’ dropped em in a fire.” Her scorn abated. “How she been?”
“She… she got really upset when she met my friend Glitter Bomb, but… she actually had a good cry about it. She and Glitter and I all did when she talked about how much she missed her friend Lacunae, and how sorry she was that Glitter couldn’t remember her mom.” I sniffled. “We… we were going to get snack cakes before we started arguing and I got attacked and…” I trailed off.
She reached out and gently patted me. I relaxed a little bit under Willow’s familiar touch. She was one of the few ponies I felt safe touching me.
“Little bird, you actually talked with her about Lacunae. That’s... That’s durn amazin’ is what it is. None of us have gotten a decent talk about her friends. They’re like balefire bombs. I set one off asking about Glory. Straight into meltdown city,” she said with a shake of her head. “But you actually talked about Lacunae. That’s right impressive, Little Bird.”
I smiled up at Willow, basking a little bit in her approval. Willow always had approved of me. She was the first pony to give me a nickname that wasn’t ‘get over here.’ “It… I had help,” I admitted. “Because Glitter helped some just by being there. But she did talk about her. Though…” I sighed, my ears drooping. “I can see why Glory might’ve set her off. I’ve been in Glory’s room. You can just… feel the pain and regret there.”
“I didn’t even get that far, Little Bird. I tried, and she caught me, and the look. Like I’d just pissed on her momma’s grave,” she said with a shake of her head. “Even when we were rutting in her bed, I still didn’t get close enough to–” she paused at my flinch. “Ah. Blackjack being Blackjack?” she asked gently.
I nodded. “A little bit. She was hitting on me. I told her no. She asked why. I just sorta stared at her and said no. Then she hit on Glitter.” I frowned. “Which… I mean, it’s up to Glitter to make her own choices, but… It’d make me feel better if it was somepony who was her peer. Which Blackjack decidedly isn’t.” I shuddered as Willow’s words on her relationship with Blackjack sunk din. “Seriously? You too? Who hasn’t she rutted in the Heartmenders?! She’d probably do Heartshine if Heartshine weren’t so scared of her!”
The bandaged mare patted my shoulder again. “She would. She’d do everything she could to give Heartshine the best ruttin’ she’s ever gotten.”
“Willow, I don’t wanna think about that…” I begged, then groaned. “I’m thinking about it.” Did this count as brain damage?
Willow chuckled. “Point you’re missin’ is Blackjack’s a mess, but one thing she wants is for people to be happy. Sex makes her happy. So she figgers if someone ain’t happy with sex, well they just ain’t had good sex yet. Good sex makes the hurt from the bad sex go away.” She rubbed her shoulder. “And yeah, we were close. Too damned close. I loved her. Wanted so bad to fix her. Make her love me. All blew up in my face, cause I thought sex and love were the same damned thing.” She said with a sigh.
I reached over and lay a wing across Willow’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Willow,” I said softly. “I know that must have hurt something awful. I… I never knew you were into mares.”
“Mares. Stallions. I’m not that picky. Different bits, but same goal,” she said with a shrug. “My mistake was I fell in love with her. She’s a twigged mare, for certain, but she feels so much that I got sucked in. She still loves Glory. And P-21. It’s the core of her pain. I thought I could be Glory’s replacement for her. Make her love me. Take away her pain,” she said and sighed. “I’m pretty sure I’d rip open again like a burlap sack if we were in the same room for two minutes.” She sighed and gave a half smile. “Is she causin’ ya trouble? I reckon she’s trying to get under yer tail too.”
“It’s nothing I can’t handle or brush off,” I said, before quickly launching myself at Willow. My side protested horribly, and I nearly blacked out as I wrapped my hooves around her neck. “I’m so sorry she left you heartbroken, Willow!”
She carefully hugged me back. “Me too. Thought I could be the one. I wasn’t. More the fool me,” she said, patting me gently. “So. Since I reckon Cinnamon ‘lost’ my reports on her, got any questions?”
I paused, thinking a moment. “Really all I have on her is the assessment she did like… forever ago, but…” I frowned at the really, really uncomfortable question for me. “Is… Blackjack somepony who would hurt fillies? Like, little fillies?” I asked, leaning back onto the bed and curling my tail around my hindquarters.
“You mean in general or... you mean molestin’?” she asked as she furrowed her brow.
I bit my lip. “Th-the latter?” I asked. “Cause she… always goes after me. And she was okay with trying to have sex with Glitter, who’s like, emotionally my age.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Rather, she’s no pony that goes after foals and the like because they’re foals. When she was a filly, she was taught sex by a grown up mare. Now she is a grown mare. For her, I reckon she sees herself doin’ the same thing. Teaching. Sex is good, fer Blackjack. Good sex feels good and leaves everypony happy. Age don’t factor into it. Heck, I don’t reckon anything factors into it.” She sighed and patted my head. “If she’s trying, I reckon she figures good sex’ll make you happy. It’s an idjit thing to think. She’s just so durn stubborn. Thinks ‘no’ means ‘not yet’.” She huffed.
I smirked wryly. “‘No means yes and buzz off means take me I’m yours?’” I asked, quoting a book I’d read.
She chuckled. “Naw. Not quite. More like...” she screwed up her face. “More like... no, because. You need to give her a reason why it’s no and it’ll always be no. Like Trill... she made it plain she wasn’t interested in experimentin’. That wasn’t good enough for Blackjack, though. I think Trill would have had to do it, then tell her it did nothin. Course, I reckon that woulda set off Blackjack too. So she had to leave.” She paused. “I could try and talk ta Blackjack... if you want. Get her to stop sniffin yer tail.”
I realised that this was my opening to talk to somepony about what Triage had said. I wriggled my tongue around in my mouth, trying to get the heavy weight that settled upon it when I tried to speak. “Triage says I should tell her why I don’t want it.” I admitted after an awkward pause.
“If you don’t, she’ll keep tryin’ till she’s clear it’s bad sex. Just gotta be careful not to set her off to do something crazy. She’s damned terrifyin’ when she’s crazy.” she chuckled. “You know she tried to teleport herself to the moon? Got all dressed up in a space suit, and popped herself a couple of miles up. Came down and broke half the bones in that weird body of hers. Damnedest thing I ever saw.”
“But why does everything have to be sex!? Why!? Can’t we just talk like normal ponies? What if I tell the truth and she thinks it’s bad?” I blurted out, my wings twitching as I worried.
She chuckled. “It’s her favorite thing. She loves having it. Loves doing it. Not for herself, but being with another pony... making them feel good... I think that’s it.” She shook her head. “And you can’t talk like normal ponies because she ain’t normal. She’s twigged and crazy. If she were normal, she wouldn’t need us to put her head back together again.”
“But I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, sulking. My sulking hurt my side, which made me lay back on the bed again. Somewhere in the hospital, I pictured Triage shaking her head at me.
“I know, Little Bird. But it’s Blackjack. Even if she knows it’s rude, she’ll talk about it. Like I said, she’s the most damned selective sensitive person I know. She’ll just say things without thinking, then hate herself for being so insensitive. It’s twigged,” she said with a gentle smile.
I sighed. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want this. “Am I even good for her, Willow?” I asked, searching her green eyes for the answer.
“I know you are, Little Bird,” she said as she stroked my mane. “You’ve done better than any of us have, but is she good for you, Little Bird? That’s what you have to answer. Because if you break, like I did, I’m pretty sure it’ll kill her.”
That scared me more than anything. “Willow, I don’t want her to die. I know that… I know the stallion that killed himself under my care wasn’t my fault. I did my best and… and…” I started to cry just talking about it. “And he just did it anyway! Right in front of me like it was nothing! But… she doesn’t deserve that! Nopony does!”
She reached out with both her hooves, holding me close as she nuzzled the top of my head. “Little Bird... it’s okay... he’s not her... and she doesn’t, no matter how sour Cinnamon is about her. You just have to take care of you. Little Bird.”
I sniffled. “But I’m kind of bad at that!” I said with a half laugh, half sob. “Me taking care of me involves curling up with a good book and several boxes of snack cakes.” She chuckled and held me till I’d stabilized a bit more. Then I asked, “But what about her and my friend. She’s not older than me. Mentally. But Blackjack’s being all sex crazed and...”
“If it were someone else, a colt her age, would you be okay?” she asked.
“Well, duh! Then she’d shut up about it because she probably found a colt her age that was her height! That’s all she’s been on about the last few weeks!” I said with a giggle as I nuzzled my muzzle into her chest.
“And if that colt was a year older? Or two? Or three?” she asked. “When is it not okay?”
I frowned. “Well… I mean, if he was like. Fifty. That’d be kinda gross. Or like, Heartshine’s age.” Oh goddess Luna do no think about jerky di-oh dammit I’m thinking about it.
“Well, Blackjack’s younger than that. Didn’t you read Cinnamon’s assessment? That was three years ago, but she’s only about 21 now.” she explained gently. “Blackjack won’t hurt her, so long as she doesn’t fall in love with her. That’s when things get tough.”
I thought about it a moment. Glitter didn’t really understand love. Not really. “Well… I guess if it’s just… sex…” I shuddered, not liking to say anything that might upset Willow. A big part of me hated the idea of my friend sleeping with Blackjack, but I didn’t want to hurt Willow’s feelings by telling her that I thought that the love of her life had the sexual mores that you’d expect from Stable 99. That is to say, she didn’t think about how damaging sex could be to a pony.
“I guess it’s… okay?” I conceded, more for her benefit than mine. “I may not like it, but ultimately that’s Glitter’s choice anyway. I wouldn’t make that choice, but she’s not me.”
“Then you okay, Little Bird?” she asked with a little smile.
I nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be okay.” I didn’t really believe I would be okay on this topic for a while, but it was better than telling the truth. I looked up at her and cocked an ear to the side. “Will you be okay, Willow?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Oh, don’t you worry about me. Earth Ponies are tough. I’ll see you back at the Fluttershy Medical Center any day now. You’ll see.” Willow said, letting me go and slipping off the bed to all four hooves.
I smiled at her as she got up to go. “Good. I’ll be there whenever Sandalwood sends me with her status reports.” I frowned a moment. “Wait, why is Cinnamon always asking around if we send reports to Heartshine? Shouldn’t she just be getting those automatically?”
Willow shook her head. “There’s-” She paused, then shook her head again. “Don’t worry about it, Little Bird. Just get better. And help Blackjack get better.” She said, slipping quietly out of my room with a grin. “And don’t tell Triage I left my bed!” And with a wink, she was out the door.
Willow’s secret was safe with me as I finally drifted off to sleep.
I awoke from a rather fitful sleep to somepony lightly stroking my head. I didn’t know who it was, but I flailed about, whacking something and straining my side yet again.
“Whoa… whoa there, Threnody! It’s me!” Slate’s familiar voice calmed me down a little. “I’m sorry. You were having a nightmare, and I didn’t know how to get you out of it. I was trying to be comforting.” He explained, rubbing his forehoof where I’d evidently struck him.
My heart beat against the confines of my chest. “I’m so sorry!” I squeaked as I curled up, then wincing in pain. Crap. My side really hurt like hell.
Slate gently rested his hoof on my head again. “Shh… shh. It’s fine. I startled you, and I should have known better than to shake you out of something frightening like that. Especially when you’ve already got an aversion to touch.” He admitted.
I relaxed as he lightly petted my mane. I was okay. Slate was safe. Slate wouldn’t hurt me. “How long was I out?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
Slate frowned down at me. “About 16 hours. Triage had to IV the healing potions into you cause we couldn’t get you to come to.” His eyes became serious. “We had to move some of the other patients farther away from you while you had your nightmares. Apparently they were starting to feel… uneasy without any explanation.”
My ears drooped and tried to curl up on the bed. I hoped that nopony had gotten too upset!
“Hey! Hey… tone down the self loathing!” Slate said, yet again stroking between my ears. “Dry Clean brought me over, and you’ve been pretty calm ever since I got here. Just fitfully sleeping.” He said, his smile soothing and his presence a warm cup of cocoa on a cold day. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked gently.
I sighed. “I… was just dreaming a lot about the attack.” I admitted. “And feeling like I was being chased by a radscorpion. It sounds so foalish, I know…”
“Sounds pretty normal for somepony who got skewered by one of those things,” He countered, resuming his petting of my mane. “And you made it so Willow was able to see you. And you helped Blackjack make a friend! That’s… actually pretty impressive!”
Friend. Oh crap. “Um… where are Blackjack and Glitter?” I asked, trying to not fret about the answer.
Slate cocked an ear to the side, then gave me a knowing smile. “Dry Clean Only collected Glitter to bring her home. Blackjack is sleeping up in one of the offices upstairs. Triage told them to get out of her hospital. Something about not worth staying around for you to wake up,” he took on a distant look a moment. “And then something about how her borrowed office better not smell like sex afterwards. That the cleaning ponies would be very unhappy.” He chuckled as I groaned.
“Look, really though, given everything that’s happened, you have been taking a lot of pressure off of the heartmenders. Even just having Blackjack out of Star House for the past two days has been really nice.” He added with a sigh of relief. “Honestly, I was wondering just how much longer I could keep going.”
“Keep going with what?” I asked. All the adults were keeping things from me, and it was starting to get old.
Slate sighed, then nudged me slightly. “Scoot over, Threnody. Let me tell you something about myself.”
I moved as much as I could, then felt my side decide to protest against movement. “Ow. OWW!”
Slate gave me a very concerned look. His hoof lightly traveled over to settle on my side. “How bad is it?” he asked, his eyes serious.
My ears drooped. “It’s… pretty awful.”
He sighed, his muzzle disappearing into his saddlebags, and he withdrew a vial of Med-X. “Look, you should probably take something for it.”
“Slate, I really don’t like Med-X. My… my mom got addicted to the stuff for a while. She said it was cause her back hurt. I think she really just used it because she was still whoring.” I admitted, shaking my head. “I… I can-” The fireball of pain blasted into my brain, scorching away my willpower. “Well… on the other hoof…”
Slate shook his head. “You do have to be careful with it, but this is the only dose I’m offering you. You get one, then you’re done. After that it’s Willowbark potions.”
I eyed the needle warily. “Okay. I lied.” I admitted. “I’m less worried about the Med-X addiction, and more worried about the needle.”
Slate gave me a small, sympathetic smile. “I don’t like them either. I can distract you while I inject you. Follow my hoof.” He said, waving his hoof slowly in front of me. I followed his hoof until I felt the pinprick of the needle. A wave of relaxation flowed out of my body, turning my legs to a pleasant form of jello.
“Is that better?” He asked as the medication set in. I nodded slowly. “When you’re hurting, you need to tell your doctor!” He chastised, his hoof still on my side. “I could feel your pain from the hallway while you slept.” He then sighed. “Threnody, you know just as well as I do that taking care of yourself is a key part of being a heartmender. If you can’t do that, you can’t take care of your patients. Sandalwood knows that, Willow knows it from personal experience. If anything, she should be an object lesson to you. If you are hurting, tell somepony.” He said firmly. I nodded, and he sat down next to me on the hospital bed, before pulling me into his lap. I didn’t particularly like being held, but the Med-X was making me feel a little loopy and docile, so I really didn’t mind too much.
“When I grew up in Stable 89, nopony knew what to do with a heartmender. We were just trying to figure out how the world worked. I was a foal when Caprice showed up, made 89 into 69, and pretty much set up Flank. But… she saw in me something other ponies didn’t: the fact that, as a heartmender, I could please ponies in a way nopony else could. So… I became a whore.” He said bitterly, spitting out the word like a cherry pit.
“It paid the caps, that’s for sure. But… after the Battle of the Hoof, after the Heartmenders were set up? I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m so tired of making Blackjack ‘feel good’, when every minute I spend with her is killing me inside.”
I let a silence fall as Slate finished speaking. The Med-X was dulling my senses, but I could tell he was trying to hide his feelings from me behind thick emotional shields. I watched him as he looked down at me. His deep blue eyes were full of so much jagged pain.
“Slate, why don’t you say something about it? If it’s been bugging you this long-”
“And what? Leave you to help her? All by your lonesome?” He snapped, then sighed. “Sorry, you don’t deserve that.”
“Then tell me what I can do to help!” I said quietly, pressing my cheek against his chest as he held me. He felt warm, and his coat was very soft and well brushed. He kinda smelled good, too. “You and Sandalwood have been doing this job longer than anypony else has. Blackjack can get better. But not if it’s breaking you in the process!” I frowned up at him. “Doesn’t Heartshine always say that the first rule of heartmending is to take care of yourself?”
Slate smiled down at me and nodded. “Yeah, I remember her telling me that, too.”
“So why aren’t you doing it?” I asked, an intentionally grumpy look on my muzzle.
He smirked. “Okay, fine, you manipulative little minx! I’ll try to take better care of myself!” He gently pushed me off of his lap and got down off of the bed, but the smile on his face reached his eyes this time. “Anything else you want me to do while you’re all laid up, Mistress Heartmender?” He teased.
“Well, you could ask Sandalwood out on a date!” I replied with a sly grin. Oh… shit. No… brain… brain why… Why did you say that?! Oh right, the drugs! The not feeling pain in your side drugs...
Confusion rippled off of Slate in rogue waves, occasionally crashing into embarrassment and amusement, filling the room with a storm of emotions for the briefest of moments. “I… what?” He asked, dumbfounded.
I lay my ears back and stared at him. “Slate, it’s obvious you have a thing for her. And she has a thing for you. Ask her out on a date.” I deadpanned. “Just… don’t fuck her until I’m a safe distance away from the wing, okay?”
Slate’s jaw dropped. “I… I don’t… We don’t… I mean…” I continued to give him an utterly exasperated stare. “Okay, maybe I do have some… fondness.” Still staring. “Care?” Still staring. “Okay, fine! I do have a great deal of feelings for her!” I smiled and nodded approvingly at him. He glared back in response. “Not a word of this conversation gets back to Sandalwood!”
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” I said innocently. “If it makes you feel any better, Slate, if it were her coming to see me, I would’ve had the same conversation with her.”
“Why?!” He half-shouted.
My ears lay parallel to my skull as I look at him with more than a healthy dose of annoyance. “Because I can not only see it, but I can feel it. And because I can see and feel it, and you two are trying to hide it from each other, it’s super annoying. Just. Take. Her. Out!”
The coward bolted out the door before I could say anything else.
I awoke in what I thought was the next morning feeling particularly groggy.
“Oh good. You’re not dead.” Triage’s gravelly voice rasped. “I wondered when you just went out like a light.”
My mouth felt like I’d been sucking on cotton all night. “Well, Slate gave me some Med-X last night. But my side hurts less now!” I managed, looking blearily up at the vague image that I was fairly certain was the unicorn. Triage appeared to be frowning rather more than usual.
“He did what?” She demanded, then shook her head. “People get their hands on a syringe and they think they’re the Surgeon fuckin’ General Let me guess, he gave you a full shot?” She interrogated, lighting a cigarette with a huff.
“I don’t know. He seemed to know what he was doing…” I said innocently. He really did seem to know what he was doing. If anything, the long sleep did me some good. “Is sleeping for that long normal with Med-X?” I asked.
Triage shook her head. “No, it ain’t normal. The entire reason I’m sitting in this here room with you is because you didn’t wake up yesterday. I had you hooked up to a monitor, and if you hadn’t woken up in the next few hours, I was going to dose you with Fixer to bring you out of it.” She harrumphed, taking a drag on her cigarette. “He’d said to me he’d given you something to ease the pain, but I didn’t think it’d be that much! He grew up in Flank, for Celestia’s sake. He should know the risk of using Med-X.” She rolled her eyes. “Fucker probably wasn’t thinking straight. Probably even thought he was being kind, too.” She took a drag, then let out a long, smoky sigh. “Figures he wouldn’t think about the fact that you’re small. Though it does explain why you’ve been out for the better part of two days.”
Hmm… something in that didn’t parse right in my head. If Slate knew what he was doing, he wouldn’t intentionally OD me, would he? Maybe it was an accident? I marked it down as something I needed to ask him about when I got back to Chapel.
I experimentally tried to roll up from my back to my haunches, and happily discovered the ache in my side wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been before. “Well, my side does feel better.” I admitted. “But that could have been from the healing potions.”
Triage nodded, then stuck another purple potion under my muzzle. “Drink.” She ordered. I did so. Ooo! This one tasted like grapes! “Well kid, two more of those, and you’ll be all healed. I’m sure I can discharge you to Slate and Sandalwood,” She pursed her lips sourly. “Assuming drugging kids isn’t actually a habit for those idiots”
I said nothing as I finished off the potion. “Um… where is the filly’s room?” I asked. My bladder informed me that I hadn’t peed in the time that I’d been asleep.
Triage pointed her lit cigarette with her magic. “Down the hall and to the right. And there should be an alicorn that can take you back to Chapel. Unless Blackjack is still lurking about.”
I nodded to her thankfully and bolted out the door.
A few moments and a great deal of physical relief later, I checked back in with Triage. “Am… I free to go?” I asked as she looked over a chart. I wiggled my left hoof, the one I’d chipped a few days prior. It looked like somepony had gotten around to trimming it and evening it out for me, along with my other hooves so I didn’t walk funny, but I didn’t remember it hurting before. I’d walked a long way on it, why was it hurting now?
The dusky mare looked up at me, an annoyed expression on her muzzle as her eyes followed my waggling hoof. “Huh? Oh. Yeah, fine. You’re all paid up. So get out of my hospital.”
I turned to go, then stopped myself. “Thank you, Triage. For… listening.”
The old nag grunted and muttered something that could have been charitably interpreted as ‘you’re welcome’, and I took that as my cue to leave.
I trotted down the stairs of the Collegiate and out of the building. The massive structure had taken some damage in the Battle of the Hoof, but it looked like the medical ponies had been putting forth some efforts to clean the place up. It was starting to look like a college from one of my books! The stairs from the main hospital led down into a massive courtyard that lay between the various buildings that made up the Collegiate. Shattered concrete and the remains of a fountain dominated the slowly greening common area.
As I looked out across the courtyard, I spotted a familiar red and black mane belonging to a mare lounging on a park bench. Blackjack lay on her back with a pair of aviator sunglasses she’d gotten from Luna knows where. Chuckling, I shook my head and trotted over to her. I couldn’t smell her from here, so presumably she wasn’t drunk. Probably.
“Are you my ride home?” I asked as I made my way over to her.
Her left ear twitched, and she lifted her right hind leg, letting out a fart that would have done a tuba proud. Yawning, she rolled off the bench, landing on her hooves. “For you baby, you can ride me all night long~” She teased.
Well, some things didn’t change. I thought to myself as I rolled my eyes. “Not happening, Blackjack. Can we go home now?” I asked.
“You’ll have to hold onto me if we want to teleport there~”
I trotted to her side, and wrapped my left foreleg around her right. “Shall we?”
And in a flash, we left the Collegiate behind.
I left Blackjack at Star House, and trotted back to the Heartmender Wing. We really, really needed to just install a door into Star House. This whole walking back and forth between the Heartmender’s quarters and BJ’s home was getting annoying. I wanted to be able to see myself in and come and go when I pleased, dammit! Not act like I was a pre-war pizza delivery filly every time I needed to see her.
Slate waved to me from the kitchen table where he was taking notes. “Hey! Welcome home! How are you feeling?” He asked, setting his pencil down. I glanced at his notes, admiring how neat his mouthwriting was.
“I’m feeling a lot better. Triage says I need to have two more healing potions at bedtime, but I should be all fixed up.” I replied slowly, trying to get a read on him. So far, I was feeling the warm feeling of genuine care and concern. Nothing hiding under the surface. Weird.
Slate’s brow furrowed. “Where’s that suspicion coming from, Threnody? Did I do something to upset you?” He asked, pulling out a chair for me and waving me to the table.
I sat down and shook my head. “Well, no. Just… the reason I was out for two days was because I’d had too much Med-X. Could you have made a mistake with the dose you gave me?” I asked innocently. No point in really being accusatory, since it actually could have been an accident.
Slate blinked at me. “What? Med-X overdose!?” He shook his head. “There’s no way! I checked your chart before I dialed in a dose for you.” He glanced to the side as he recalled something. “Your chart said that you weighed 87 lbs, which is underweight for you, even as a pegasus a filly who’s still growing. The normal dose would be 10mg in solution for every 154lbs of body weight, even so I dialed it down and only gave you 1.5mg to be safe. There’s no way that would have knocked you out for 2 days!”
I flinched slightly as he shouted, both in voice and emotions. “I’m sorry Slate! Maybe somepony at the hospital accidentally gave me an adult dose!” I said quietly, trying to ease his concern. I rubbed my sore left hoof. “It’s… I’m sure that’s what happened.”
Slate shook his head. “I’m going to mention this to Sandalwood. If someone tried to poison one of our heartmenders, she’ll want to let Heartshine know. If this is because of you helping Blackjack, then it’s really... not a good sign for the political situation here in the Hoof...” He trailed off, getting up and trotting down the hallway to Sandalwood’s room. I used the opportunity to slip into mine.
Well, at least there was never a dull moment around here.
Are you sure this is who you want to be? Yes No
New Player - Threnody Lily
S- 2 P - 7 E - 2 C- 9 I - 7 A - 6 L - 8
Traits: Small Frame - You gain +1 Agility and enemies have a -5 penalty to hit you, but your limbs suffer 25% more limb damage. This does not affect actual damage taken.
Good Natured - All non-combat skills are increased by +5, all combat skills are decreased by -5. You’re sweet, and good at figuring out how to solve your problems without hitting other ponies. Somepony paid attention in kindergarten! As a drawback, however, you sometimes struggle to deal with those that didn’t pay attention to things like ‘share your toys’ and ‘don’t hit other ponies with bricks.’
Level Up! New perk: Kissed by Security
For good or for ill, Security herself kissed you. You now pick up the “benefits” of Wild Wasteland, even if you are not level 1. Welcome to your new, wilder and weirder life.
“One pony’s trauma is another pony’s loss of innocence. If we share our story with somepony who shows empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” Rosie Picolt, Ministry of Peace Heartmender 2 years before the war ended.
The next few days were… horribly boring and mundane. I finished healing, but Sandalwood had pretty much banned me from seeing Blackjack until she was sure I was back on my hooves. As a consequence, I spent a lot of time alone. Slate took over my duties of ‘working’ with Blackjack, which only added to my own worries about my fellow heartmender’s mental state. Sandalwood was just… gone. Somewhere. I assumed she was meeting with Heartshine at the Fluttershy Medical Centre.
Slate would keep an eye on me when he was in the Heartmender wing. But that wasn’t a lot. He always seemed really nervous, and I figured it was because of my Med-X overdose. I believed him when he said he’d given me a low dose, but it still made me wonder what in the world happened back there at the Collegiate. Why would anypony want to give me too much? I was, like, the lowest of the low when it came to the heartmenders. If anything, I was the most replaceable. Thoughts about my replaceability and general uselessness lent itself rather well to my maudlin mood as I spent time in bed, trying to sleep away the ennui of my body’s recovery.
Perhaps most distressing, no one would tell me what Blackjack was doing. Slate would just look uneasy, and change the subject. When I tried to press, he assured me to not worry about it. It echoed what I’d heard about in Stable 99: don’t think about it.
All in all, my thoughts and need for healing made for a very lonely, dreary existence. I’d become accustomed to being around ponies. Gotten used to seeing a group of clients every day. But, now I was left in silence, and I wasn’t allowed into Star House. It gave me a lot more time in the company of my thoughts than I really wanted to spend.
I’d sent my mom a letter, updating her on what had happened between my last letter about how well I was doing in Elysium and now. Absolutely Everything’s mail delivery service was employing alicorns by the dozens, and I had hoped…
I’d hoped that mom would write back. But it’d been a week, and there was no reply. There never was, really. My pay largely went back to her in Junction City. And all I got in return was silence.
I hated this. I hated the waiting. Slate said that I could start seeing Blackjack again as soon as Sandalwood got home. Well, she’d never be home soon enough! The big victorian home looked less like an imposing house haunted by ghosts and monsters. Now it just looked like a cage. I wanted…
I wanted to start doing something different. I’d counted my carefully hoarded caps and found I’d been able to save a touch over 400. So, with what little money I had, I was going to get myself a weapon. ...If Chapel had any I could afford. Maybe Blackjack could help me learn to shoot later.
As I stared at the caps, I felt it before I heard it. That sickening stew of self loathing and tar-like depression. Only one mare I knew had that cocktail, and could appear whenever she damn well liked. “Hey,” Blackjack croaked from the seat beside my bed.
In spite of myself, I nearly jumped out of my own skin. “Hey yourself!” I replied, rolling onto my belly as I set down the old copy of Heartmender’s Monthly I’d been reading. “Please tell me that you can’t actually read minds. Because that would be weird. But I was literally just thinking about you!” I exclaimed, trying to keep the excitement out of my voice. Then my glee melted away as I beheld her. Her striped mane was a dirty tangle. Dark shadows encircled her bloodshot eyes, staring at me. Fuck, had she not slept since I’d been hurt?
“Blackjack?” I asked quietly. “You don’t look so good. Were… were you worried about me?”
“Been a rough few days. It didn’t take long, huh? Go for a walk, and I nearly get you killed,” she said, shaking her head and gritting her teeth, her eyes shimmering with tears. “Fuck. It’s all I ever do.”
My heart sank. Oh goodness. No wonder Slate had been hesitant to tell me how she was doing. I cautiously reached a hoof off of my bed to lightly pat her head. “Blackjack, that was a complete accident. If anything, you saved my life. And possibly Glitter’s!”
“Brahmin shit,” she said as she out at the window, her eyes narrowed as if she saw that radscorpion reflected in the glass. “I drove you off by acting like a moron. If I’d been faster, that scorpion wouldn’t have touched you! Shouldn’t have touched you!” She smashed a hoof down on a medical tray besides me, sending the remains of my lunch flying as she rolled to her hooves. “I’m fucking Security! You’d think I could keep some fucking ponies secure for once!”
I frowned. “Blackjack, you did keep me secure. And you don’t have to take responsibility for my feelings. That’s why I flew off, because I was feeling things and I needed a minute to think. I should have checked to make sure that there wasn’t anything under the bridge when I landed on it. I…” I looked down at my own hooves. “You were amazing. I was the one that sort of just laid there uselessly. I’ve barely even touched a gun, let alone know how to shoot one. I couldn’t have not been completely and utterly useless even if I’d had the option.”
“Sure you could have. If I’d been paying attention rather than talking sex with your friend, you could have gone for help. We could have taken that thing out without anyone getting stabbed.” She paced back and forth, and gave a dangerous laugh, full of hard, biter edges. “They wouldn’t even tell me how you nearly died. Can you imagine? I had to teleport into Sandalwood’s office and read her letter! That’s how I found out you were unconscious for three frigging days! In a letter!” She snapped, and her magic lifted the tray and flung it against the wall. I jumped at the sound and the sudden outburst of violence. Everything we’d done was about to be lost in her mounting fury.
Her fury rolled around my room, and it took all of my inner will to not get lost in it. Taking in a deep, centering breath, I moved aside and patted my bed. “Blackjack, could you sit here with me?” I asked. “I’m sorry that no one told you anything. I… I don’t even know everything because Slate thinks that I was intentionally overdosed on Med-X, which was why I was out for a few days.” My ears drooped. “I honestly wanted to make sure you were okay, too. It’s been… really lonely just laying here.”
She calmed, but her blazing anger contracted into something colder. “What? Intentionally overdosed? You mean poisoned?” That anger condensed and distilled into something I hoped I’d never feel from Blackjack. Hate. “Who?”
I patted my bed again, and shrugged. “I don’t… I mean.” I frowned as my words failed me and my tongue tied up in knots. “Slate thinks that’s what happened. I think that one of the nurses probably just made a mistake on my dose of Med-X, and it was all an accident! I mean, I’m not exactly Daring Do here! Who would want me out of the way? And why?!”
A moment later... and it was out. Like a candle being blown, the rage and hate disappeared, and hollow depression drifted in like evening fog to fill the void. She staggered over to the foot of my bed and sat down. “Damn,” she muttered, rubbing her face with a hoof. Her horn glowed and righted the tray. Then there was a ping as the dents were smoothed out, and finally the hole in the plaster was mended. I watched in awe as Blackjack’s magic repaired the tray and wall. I didn’t think her magic was strong enough to do that! “They wouldn’t tell me anything. I was ready to kill somepony. Slate keeping trying to push my button, but I wasn’t in the mood for sex.” She gave a laugh utterly devoid of mirth, “Kinda shocked him when I told him that.”
“Well, no offense, Blackjack, but you are kind of a notorious hornball. It’s no wonder that he was a little shocked and confused.” I said, lightly pushing my Scootaloo plushie toward her. “I don’t know what happened, Blackjack. I wish I did. But… it’s okay now! I’m fine. I just was supposed to wait to see you until Sandalwood came back.” I glowered slightly toward the direction of the Fluttershy Medical Centre. “Which she is taking entirely far too long to do!” I grumbled.
She frowned and her magic opened the door to my room. “Slate!” She called out. “Where is Sandalwood?”
A few moments later, a rather winded Slate stuck his head through the door. His soft mane was mussed and akimbo as he looked at the pair of us. “Fluttershy... medical…” He gasped, leaning against the wall. “I was… so confused… why you went here...when you disappeared.” He wheezed. “I need to exercise more…”
Blackjack disappeared in a flash of magic.
“Oh goddesses, not again,” he groaned as he rubbed his face. “I just sprinted over here from Star House!”
I pulled Scootaloo close to my chest with my forelegs. “Well, at least we know where she’s going?” I said helpfully, knowing that it wouldn’t improve Slate’s mood. “As long as she doesn’t run into Cinnamon, she’ll be fine!” I shuddered at the thought. “And if we see a small mushroom cloud coming from the direction of the medical centre, we’ll know she found Cinnamon and not Sandalwood!”
Slate grimaced at me. “Hardee har har,” He shook his head and consulted his pipbuck.
There was another flash and a bloodshot Blackjack reappeared with a wild eyed Sandalwood. “Habazawah?” Sandalwood gasped as she peered around, and gasped, “Where? Threnody?”
Blackjack grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a little shake. “Tell her she can start seeing me again.”
Sandalwood started as she was shaken, and took a half second to compose herself. “Okay, first of all, that was highly improper, Blackjack!”
“Tell. Her. She. Can. Start. See. Ing. Me. A. Gain.” Blackjack intoned, making a vein twitch in Sandalwood’s temple.
“I was going to say that the two of you could see each other as soon as I was done with my meeting!” She looked around the room, giving Slate and I a glare for good measure. “But fine, you can see her again, if Threnody feels up to the task.” I nodded my assent as Sandalwood glanced my way, and she turned her gaze back to Blackjack. “Better?” She asked, glaring at our client. “Now please, no more interruptions until I’m done with my meeting with Heartshine and Velvet Remedy!” She said, Sandalwood’s horn casting the warm honey glow of her magic about herself, and she disappeared with a soft pop.
Slate chuckled. “You know that feeling when one kid gets in trouble, but it feels like everyone gets in trouble? That… that…” He said, shaking his head. “Do you feel better now, Blackjack?”
A soft snore answered him. She lay across the foot of my bed, tightly hugging my Scootaloo plushie to her chest. I sighed and shrugged helplessly at Slate, and went back to my magazine.
“So you want to learn to fight?” Blackjack asked a day later. We were in the woods behind Star House. The sky was getting overcast, threatening a rainstorm like the bad old days. “Why?”
I couldn’t meet her eyes. “I… I’ve spent all my life being safe.” I said, lightly rubbing at the cuff of the new pipbuck that Sandalwood had brought for me the night before. The cuff itched, and I was still trying to get used to having a little compass in my field of view. I resolved to take the damned thing off as soon as possible. At least I’d learned how to turn the Eyes Forward Sparkle (or EFS) from a gross amber colour to a lovely blue.
“Mom always kept me shut in the house so I wouldn’t get into trouble. Willow Glen sheltered me when I first joined the Heartmenders. And even my first assignments with the Heartmenders were in really safe places around the wasteland!” I sighed. “Getting attacked by that radscorpion made me realise just how… helpless I really am. I want to change that. Even just a little bit.” I admitted.
She just stared at me a moment, her gaze... wistful. “You’re not really helpless, you know. With your EFS, you’ll be aware of the danger. You can take steps to avoid it. Have others take on that responsibility.”
“But I don’t want them to! What would have happened if I’d been alone? I would have died! I mean… I… I love my duster,” I explained, looking down at my coat that now had a massive hole in the right side. “But it isn’t good armour. I’ve never even fired a gun. Mom wouldn’t let me.”
Blackjack took a deep breath. “Okay. You gave the right answer. If you’d talked about wanting to feel safe, we were going to have words.” She scanned the woods. “The fact is that you’re never completely safe. You’re also in less danger than you imagine most of the time too. Trick is finding the comfortable spot between the two.” She gave me a half smile. “So, had any thoughts as to how you’d like to fight?”
I really hadn’t. Oh… oh dear. “Um… well, I’m pretty sure that I shouldn’t try to fight with my hooves. And I would be really bad with like, a knife, I think. So… maybe pistols?” I offered, trying to think of what I knew about weapons. “I know Glitter Bomb is super good with explosives. Like, I was watching her practice one day, and she can like, make what seems like an impossible bounce happen for them. It’s crazy!” I winced slightly as a few emotions flickered under Blackjack’s calm, teacher-like veneer, but she held herself together, so I continued. “But I tried to lift her grenade… poinker… thingy?” I tried, okay? “But it was way too heavy.”
She nodded slowly. “You should probably consider a battle saddle. Of course, I don’t think you could wear it over your duster. Might need to get some real barding too.”
“Do they even make battle saddles in my size?” I asked, looking up at her. “I mean, I know that Slate has one he keeps in his room, but that’d be huge on me.”
“I know a guy that can make one for you. If you’re interested,” she said and took a deep breath. “It’s a big change... being able to kill. I didn’t respect it when I was young. Didn’t realize how it changes you. You can kill ponies. Bang... and they’re in pain and bleeding. Bang... they’re dead. Maybe they’re just a beast, or mindless ghoul, but they can also be a person. Someone with family. Are you sure you want that change?”
I looked down at the ground. “I don’t want to kill anyone.” I admitted. “I… I watched a stallion blow his brains out in front of me. That… that was the worst.” I shook myself, trying to banish the memory that floated on the edge of my vision. “Part of why I have the scars on my back. But I want to be like Velvet Remedy! Just… with less singing. To know enough to protect myself, but… I don’t want to be the cause of anypony’s death.”
“Neither did I,” Blackjack replied, leaning in towards me as her voice dropped to a stage whisper. “Turns out I am really, really good at it.” She levitated a pistol from her saddlebags. “This is a simple IF-18, nine millimeter pistol. One bloody step up from a bb gun,” she said as she levitated it before me. “Want to hold it?”
My heart pounded in my chest as I looked over the firearm. It looked simple enough, with the standard mouthgrip and tongue trigger. Something about it set my nerves on edge, and the thought of holding it just terrified me. I swallowed, and nodded to her. “Th-the safety’s on, right?”
“Is it?” she asked, her face a smiling mask, but she was testing me. “Do you want to hold it?”
I looked over the weapon again, that dull thudding in my chest getting worse by the moment. I knew next to nothing about guns. I didn’t even know which of the slides on the mouthgrip were for ejecting the clip and which was the safety. “Blackjack, I don’t even know what does what on the gun.” I said, my ears laying back slightly. “I want to hold it, but I know you have to respect the gun and what it can do.”
“Good answer. Never hold a gun you don’t understand, and always treat it as something that can kill. It’s not a toy.” She then walked me through every knob, switch, and part and made me repeat them until I could identify them. Then she showed me how to check the chamber, and how to load and unload magazines without taking the gun out of my mouth. Three hours later, she adjusted the gun so that it rest against my right cheek. “Okay. You’re not a unicorn, so get used to aiming with one eye. You’ll work out ignoring your other eye. It just comes with practice.” Aiming involved a lot of squinting and getting three bars to line up towards my target. When the gun was level, they almost united in a single dot. That was where the bullet was supposed to go.
Finally, she magically set an empty Sparkle~Cola bottle on a stump, the hillside rising behind it, and passed me a magazine. “Good luck,” she said as she settled back.
I swallowed, and loaded the magazine just like she’d shown me. I wasn’t really fast about it, but that went in okay. My tongue slid the safety off as I aimed at the bottle. Oh… great. I found I could look down range, but I wasn’t the steadiest gun in the west. Just holding still to try to line up the sites and the bottle were a real challenge! I must have stood there for a good minute trying to line up my shot, and suddenly-
Crack!
The pistol fired, but the shot went… depressingly wide. The Sparkle~Cola bottle mocked me from the stump as I watched a puff of sawdust fly from a dead tree a good 50 feet behind and 20 feet to the left of the stump. It also felt like someone had kicked me firmly in the mouth.
I gritted my teeth, took a deep breath, and tried to fire again. This time I hit the stump, but not the bottle. My teeth hurt from the recoil, and I felt my ears droop. This was harder than it looked! How did the Reapers make it look so easy? I fired another shot, and missed again.
“You’re tensing your jaw too much. Too tight, and it twists the gun. Too loose, and you’ll break your teeth. Try again,” she instructed calmly.
I snorted, then worked my jaw to relax it a touch. Okay. Relaxed, but in control. Kinda like when you’re doing breathing exercises. I got this. I fired the fourth round, and while I missed and hit the stump again, the bullet thudded into the wood right below the bottle! Okay. Breathing! That seemed to help!
I took another deep breath, took aim, and fired again. The bullet grazed the bottle, wiggling it about on the stump, but the stubborn target remained upright. I grumbled around the mouthbit. “You’re tensing your neck before you fire. You have to keep it steady too.” I took aim for the sixth time.
Crack! Smash!
The bottle shattered as I connected with it just above the wide base. I did a little happy dance on my hooves, bouncing from side to side as I--
Crack!
The gun went off in my mouth. I’d barely flicked the tab in my celebration... and then I saw where the gun was pointed. Blackjack clutched her shoulder, eyes clenched tight and teeth grit as she pressed her hoof to a bloody hole I’d made in her shoulder, right beside her chest.
My eyes flew open wide as I flicked the safety on and dropped the gun, running over to her. “I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry!” I said, tears welling up in my eyes. I’d shot her!
Blackjack grimaced as she held a hoof to her shoulder, but her grimace soon pulled upward into that unmistakable smile. Yes, Blackjack actually smiled. “I’ve been hurt worse,” she muttered, levitating out a healing potion and drinking it. It might have gotten rid of the wound, but it did nothing for the blood smeared across her limb. “So... what would have happened if I were someone a little less... used to being shot?”
“You could have died!” I sobbed, curling up on the ground in front of her. “If… if that’d been any higher or lower or to the left that… that would… that would--!” My breath hitched in my throat as guilt and frustration washed over me. I’d hurt someone because I was being careless!
“Yeah. Killed me,” she said with a smile. “Could you imagine Sandalwood?” And she adopted my boss’s nasally voice, “Oh, Threnody! Now I’m going to have to fill out twenty pages of paperwork! How could you?” She was joking? She was joking! “Or Velvet Remedy? Oh, I’m sure you tried your best to just graze her a little. I’m disappointed, but I forgive you!” she said breathlessly. “Of course, Cinnamon would give you a medal.”
I knew she was trying to lighten the situation, but it really just made things worse. I stared up at her, tears running down my cheeks as I listened to her. I visibly flinched at the idea of Velvet being disappointed in me. And I didn’t want to do anything that would make Cinnamon happy! I didn’t want to hurt anyone!
My nose suddenly felt really warm, and I tapped my hoof to it. It came back covered in blood. “Oh dammit all!” I swore, rubbing my muzzle. “I’m so sorry, Blackjack!” Was all I could manage.
“Hey, it’s okay,” she said, and I could feel it. She really was okay with it. I’d shot her and she was okay. She wasn’t even peeved. “I’ve been shot by almost every friend I’ve ever had. I guess this makes it official.” She levitated the gun up. “Remember. It never stops being dangerous till there are no more bullets in it. Happy. Sad. Angry. All it takes is one moment of fooling around and it can go off.” She stared at me. “The magazine holds ten rounds. How many rounds are left in the gun?”
I wiped my bloody nose and got to my hooves. “Four. Three in the magazine, and one in the chamber,” I said, pulling a tissue from my saddlebags to wipe my eyes.
“You’re sure?” she asked, then set up four more empty bottles in a row. “Here’s four vicious bloatsprites. Finish them off with your four bullets.”
I took the gun from her, careful to keep it aimed at the ground, then froze. I’d miscounted. I set the gun down. “There’s three bullets. I forgot about the one I shot you with.” I admitted.
“So what are you going to have to do between bloatsprites three and four?” She asked with a smile as she levitated out another magazine.
I swallowed. “Reload.” I said, taking the magazine and setting it down near my left hoof.
I focussed downrange, and fired off my last three bullets. Only two connected, but I quickly flicked the magazine release, and popped the new magazine in. Cocking the gun, I fired two more rounds, both striking the bottles. I still didn’t like the gun. After feeling Blackjack’s pain at being shot, I didn’t know if I could take killing somepony. I turned the safety to ‘on’, and cleared the chamber of the gun, before passing it back to her.
“Good job,” she said as she packed it away. “You’ll need a holster. Unless you decide to go with a battle saddle. You’ll also need to learn how to handle yourself up close,” She paused as she regarded me. “How’s the nose?”
I sniffed. “I’ll be fine. I always… get nosebleeds when I feel guilty.”
“Funny. I thought that only happened to colts,” she said with a wry smile. “If you’re interested in Arcane Weaponry, you’d better talk to an Enclave pony. I don’t know how any of it works. Heck, the first time I saw a beam pistol, I pointed it right up my nose.”
“That sounds… unwise.” I said, then shook myself. “Wait, what is this about colts and nosebleeds?” I asked. What in the world was she on about now?
“Nevermind,” she said with a wry smile. “Of course, you’re going to need a lot more practice. Shooting at range. Hitting something moving. Good thing I have such a huge supply of empty bottles.”
I nodded in agreement with her. “Um… can we take a break for now? Is your shoulder going to be okay?” I asked, trying to not get overwhelmed by guilt again.
She just looked at me, almost amused. “Threnody... I’ve been hurt way, way worse than that. I was ripped in two, nailed to a floor, and shot way more times than a mare should. If this wasn’t a stupid blank body, you’d see the mess that I was.”
My ears wilted. “But, that’s the first time that I’ve hurt you. That’s why I feel bad.”
She cocked her head a little. “Well, I know one sure fire way to make it feel better,” she said with her usual cocky grin of lechery. The she followed it up with, “Eh, maybe not. After all, I owe you for that first kiss. Call it even.”
I scrunched up my muzzle as I listened to her. Wait, she owed me? Why did… I don’t… I didn’t. I shook myself, and ruffled my feathers. “Hey Blackjack?”
“Hmmm?” she asked.
“Thanks.” I said quietly. “For helping me, and… for being understanding.”
“Eh, you’re cute. You don’t fake it. You don’t nag. And you blush a lot. That makes us even,” she said as the rain started to hiss through the trees.
I giggled. “We should probably get in. But… I’m glad that I’m at least kinda helpful. When I’m not like, shooting you.” I said with a blush.
She leaned in and before I could pull back, kissed my cheek. “Don’t worry about it.” Then she started back towards Star House, calling back over her shoulder. “Worry about what Sandalwood is going to do when I tell her you shot me!” she said with a laugh.
My blush deepened for the briefest moment at the kiss to my cheek, then her words wormed their way to my prefrontal cortex. “WAIT! YOU’RE FINE PLEASE DON’T TELL SANDALWOOD!” I called out as I darted after her.
Sandalwood caught me the next morning as I tried to sneak out of the Heartmender wing without bothering anypony. Growing up with mom, I’d mastered the art of silence. She’d told me from a young age to keep quiet, especially when she was ‘entertaining guests.’ The fact that all those guests happened to be stallions and they always left bags of caps for her when they left was neither here nor there to her. The only sound I’d made that morning was running the shower, and I was almost to the door when Sandalwood stuck her head out of her room.
“Threnody, hold on a moment!” She called, trotting out of her room. Her pretty, curly mane was done up in curlers that she’d gotten from Luna knows where as she trotted into the kitchen. “I just wanted to talk to you about a message we received from Triage.”
Funny, I didn’t remember swallowing a whole apple this morning. I trotted over to the kitchen table and sat down. “Is… it bad?” I asked, my mind jumping into worst case scenarios.
Sandalwood shook her head, smiling kindly. “No sweetie, it’s not bad,” she said quietly. “I just wanted to warn you because we’re getting towards spring. Triage said that your uterus and ovaries should be fine, and that your fallopian tubes should be completely healed without any scarring.” She gave me a gentle look as she popped some bread into our toaster. “She just didn’t want you running back crying if this month’s period was a bit more painful for you.”
I blinked at her. Period? Oh. Right! That thing that happened when your body told you it was upset with you for daring to not have a foal, and your uterus felt like it was chewing its way out of your abdomen with sharp, pointy Hellhound teeth while you bled for a few days. Something that happened to other mares, but not me. Thank the goddesses. “Oh, I should be fine.” I said, pulling my wings tight to myself. “I haven’t had one yet. So maybe I won’t this month, either,” I added hopefully. I jumped slightly as the toaster popped.
Sandalwood paused, a buttered knife balancing above the bread held in her cool brown magic. “Wait, never had a menstrual cycle?” She frowned, spreading the butter on her bread. “That doesn’t seem right. You’re fourteen years old. You should have had at least one by now!”
I shrugged. “I just never did. I figured maybe it’d start later for me,” I said, trotting toward the door. I frowned as Sandalwood’s magic held the door closed, and turned to face her. “What?” I asked.
Toast appeared in front of my muzzle. “Eat.” She said, waiting for me to take the toast. “I didn’t hear you grab breakfast, and don’t think I haven’t noticed you skipping meals when you’re with Blackjack,” Sandalwood’s brown eyes softened. “Sweetie, amenorrhea is a very serious condition, especially for fillies your age. Is everything alright?” She asked, brushing a bit of auburn mane behind her ear as she looked me up and down.
I looked down at the offered toast and sighed. “Yes, Sandalwood, everything is fine!” I said, exasperatedly. “But I’ll make sure I grab lunch while I’m out with Blackjack today, okay?” I opened my mouth to grab the toast, then stopped. “Wait, Sandalwood? When we get our stipend, can you ask them to not send so much to my mom?” I asked.
Sandalwood blinked at me. “Wait, I thought you got most of your stipend.”
I shook my head. “No, most of it goes to my mom back in Junction City.” I explained, hoping that this didn’t lead to another discussion about how I couldn’t manage my caps. “She gets most of it because she arranged it with Heartshine and Cinnamon. She only makes about 400 caps a month as the secretary for the Mayor. So she’s saving it for me! But… I think I should be allowed to have a bit more. I mean, not much!” I said, holding up my left hoof. “Just maybe enough so I get 200 caps every stipend day, as opposed to 40.”
Sandalwood’s kind brown eyes widened at my request. “Sweetie, don’t you get 500 caps a stipend day?” She asked slowly, concern evident on her pretty face.
“Well, yes, but the rest goes back to my mom. I just explained that!” I said, stamping my hind hoof in frustration. “I’d just like a bit more so I can start getting my own supplies. 40 caps only pays for food, really. Or, more like snacks. It took me 5 months to save up the 400 I have on me, and that was cause I just sorta went without.”
“Threnody, that’s not-”
“Sandalwood, why are you holding toast in front of Threnody’s face?” Slate asked as he came out of his room. I took the opportunity to snag the toast.
“Thrnks bye!” I said around the toast as I darted out the door.
I chomped on the buttered toast as I made my way to Star House’s front door. Ugh, if everypony was going to make a big deal about it, then maybe I should just stop asking about my pay. So far both Slate and Sandalwood had gotten upset with me for talking about it! Maybe this was why prewar etiquette books said not to bring up topics of money and politics in polite company!
I pushed the big mahogany door open, and swivelled an ear as I listened for Blackjack. She wasn’t awake yet, from the sounds of snoring from upstairs, but I noticed that the main room was actually tidier than the first time I’d entered. There were still a few empty whiskey and Sparkle~Cola bottles about, but they were all neatly placed on the island in the kitchen. Those that weren’t on the island sat in a small trash can next to the base of the stairs. Hmm… maybe we were making progress. At least she was picking up after herself!
I checked on Blackjack’s supplies, and noticed that most of the whiskey that Nails had brought was still unopened in her refrigerator. Weird. The only things that seemed to be low were her Sparkle~Colas and brahmin milk.
My stomach rumbled, protesting the fact that I’d only had one slice of toast, so I raided her cupboards for a cherry snack cake. She probably wouldn’t miss it. Cake in mouth, I snagged a Sparkle~Cola cherry that was hidden in the back of the fridge, and sat down on her couch. Even the stains were gone still! Which meant she was banging Slate upstairs! Huzzah! The couch was thus far unsullied by gross bodily fluids!
I frowned up at the ceiling as I lay back on the couch. Why was Sandalwood so worried about me not having a period? I mean, if anything, it was kinda nice that I hadn’t had one yet. I didn’t want to deal with being crabby and pouncy for about a week prior to it, if my mom’s descriptions of what it was like was accurate. I wanted to have foals of my own eventually, but… right now I was so busy with being a heartmender that I really didn’t have time for them! So the fact that my body was obeying that lack of a desire was kind of nice, really! So what the hay was everypony’s problem?
I sighed, and rolled over onto my tummy. And why did Slate seem to think that I’d been intentionally overdosed on Med-X? I mean, I was literally nopony. I mean, sure, Blackjack seemed to stabilize as she spent time with me, but if I died, in the grand scheme of things, it wouldn’t matter. I was the youngest, least experienced heartmender. Which made me expendable. So somepony going through the effort to expend of me would be kind of silly, wouldn’t it?
Nothing really made any sense. Nopony told me anything. Sandalwood was always off having her meetings with Heartshine. Cinnamon was about, popping in and out of ponies lives like the dark thing in the day. Ironic, considering her cream coloured coat and red mane. Slate…
I frowned again. Slate was the one stable force in my life, aside from Blackjack herself. He was calm and kind, and he listened to me. I’d really missed being able to talk to him at night when I was on bedrest, and if anything, he just made me feel better. Slate was safe. I just didn’t want to see him get hurt because he was trying to help Blackjack work through her issues with her own sexuality.
A loud clomping sound from upstairs alerted me to Blackjack’s wakeful state. I sat up on my haunches and looked up the stairs as she maundered down. It made me smile to know that I wasn’t the only filly who wasn’t a morning pony.
“Hey, kiddo, shoot anyone else lately?” she asked with all the subtle sensitivity of a wrecking ball with ‘GUILT’ plastered on it in bright red paint. She walked to the refrigerator and levitated out a fancy buck cake, unwrapping it and staring a moment before she murmured. “I remember when I started feeding these to Boo.”
I nodded, getting up from the couch and trotting over to her. “Boo was the really sweet Blank mare, right?” I asked, trying to remember. “Whatever happened to her?”
“She grew up, I guess. Went off to have her own adventures,” she said as she took a bite, chewed, and sat down. “I doubt she’ll be hanging around one place for long. I mean, once you’ve had Discord inside you, that’s got to change a mare.”
I shuddered slightly at the thought. “That… I don’t know how to feel about that, Blackjack. On one hoof, powerful magic. On the other hoof… probably a fair bit of wanderlust and… shenanigans?” I offered, rather helplessly. “But… you miss her, don’t you? Even though she kinda grew up.”
“Children do, I guess. I did. I grew up so damned much,” she said wistfully, smiling a moment before shaking her head. Then she caught my skeptical look and pointed a hoof at me. “Hey, bad as you think I am, back in stable ninety nine, I was ten times worse. Heck, I went running off towards red bars on the EFS for the fun of it.”
“That doesn’t sound very smart. Even if you were trained to fight. And didn’t shoot your friends in the face.”
“Eh, most of what I’ve done isn’t very smart, kiddo,” she said with a shrug. “So, what’s the plan for today?”
I frowned. “Well, I wasn’t sure. I was going to try to go into chapel to pick up my own pistol. Then I got into a fight with Sandalwood about finances and now I kinda don’t want to.” I ruffled my wings. “All I wanted was more of my caps from my stipend.”
“So what’s the problem?”
I bit my lip and looked down at my hooves. “She got mad because she didn’t know a lot of it was going back to my mom.” I admitted. “Then she yelled at me about eating and… argh… I’m sorry. This is supposed to be about you…”
She gave a wry little smirk, and then teleported away in a flash. I rose to my hooves. Now wh- but an instant later she reappeared with a disoriented Sandalwood beside her. A wisp of black smoke rose from the tip of her horn and she hissed through her teeth, beating at it with her hooves. “Ahhh... too hot! Too hot! Really need to work on those rapid teleportation spells!”
It was hard to tell whether the burning from her horn came from the exertion of teleporting, or from Sandalwood’s toast that hung in front of Blackjack’s face. “Blackjack? Darling, we’ve talked about this.” She looked over at me, nonplussed. “Well, I wondered if that’s where you’d gotten to, Threnody. I assume Blackjack had something she wanted to ask me?” She cocked an eyebrow at me, taking a bite of her levitated toast.
“You assume correctly,” Blackjack answered. “Threnody was talking about issues with her pay. Something about it going somewhere.” She stretched out and snagged Sandalwood’s toast out of the air in one firm chomp, masticating furiously and saying around it. “Mohnehy. Tahlkey.” Then she trotted over to the sofa, watching the pair of us.
I frowned as Sandalwood’s ears drooped following the theft of her toast. “I… er… Blackjack! WHY!?”
She chewed a few more times and swallowed. “What? Doesn’t she handle your pay? Should I go get Velvet or Heartshine instead?” From the candid expression, she was serious!
Sandalwood stepped in to save me. “To be honest, Blackjack, who set up Threnody’s payment arrangements is my concern as well. So far as I knew, she was getting most, if not all of her pay sent here.” She explained, offering me a level look. “It’s something I plan on bringing up with Heartshine as, so far as I know, Cinnamon should be the one responsible for things like that.” She admitted.
I tried my best to make myself look very small. “I-it’s really not a big deal. Honest! I just…”
“You just what?” Sandalwood asked, glaring at me. “Thought you could get away with being used by your mom without anyone caring?” Well, that was what happened in the past, so… yeah.
Suddenly we both felt that sharp, fiery emotion spiking off Blackjack. “What?” she asked flatly, in that voice of imminent impulsive action.
I opened my mouth to say something in my mother’s defense, but Sandalwood cut me off, her own anger seeping through her normally strong emotional shields. “Well, according to Threnody, about 95% of her pay goes back to her mother. For reasons completely unknown to me!” She said, staring me down. I really wished I could teleport like Sandalwood and Blackjack in that moment. “Threnody, why didn’t you say something sooner? This whole mess could have been avoided!”
“Hold on,” Blackjack said, her anger simmering as she walked over to stand next to me. “This isn’t a problem, yet. All she needs to do is get some of her money back from her mom, right? Easy, peasy.”
I felt my legs wobbling as my ears and wings drooped. “It isn’t easy peasy, Blackjack. My mom probably spent it all already.” I said quietly. “She… kinda is bad with money herself. She always said I would be too, so… I just let her have it. Because she said she was too old to be a ‘working filly’ like she used to be.”
Blackjack didn’t answer for a moment as she seemed to process it. “Kiddo, how old is your mom?”
I blinked. What did my mom’s age have anything to do with this? “Uh… 41. Why?” I asked, confused to where she was going with this.
“Is she crippled or something?”
“Blackjack…” Sandalwood cautioned quietly.
I shook my head. “No. She just… is getting older. She said that she had a hard time pleasing stallions after she had me, so she had to find ‘reliable’ work. She works for the mayor of Junction City now. But.. no, she’s not crippled. She just can’t whore anymore.” I spat.
“Threnody!” Sandalwood exclaimed. “That’s-”
“Accurate?” Blackjack suggested before asking me. “I assume the mayor pays her, right? Your mother’s not enslaved or anything?”
Again, I shook my head ‘no.’ “She gets paid about 400 caps a month, and has a free home that she’s owned for a while. She just… says it doesn’t pay as well as when she used to work as an ‘escort’ for the mercs in Junction R-7 before it became Junction City.” I looked away and to the side. “I sort of ruined her work for her.”
“Or she ruined work for her because she didn’t have an implant. Or worked that time of the year,” Blackjack sniffed. “So this is actually pretty simple. I want to meet your mom.”
“I don’t want you to meet my mom. I want this entire conversation to be dropped.” I groaned. Oh goddesses. No. Blackjack and my mom would get along like oil and fire. Or she might try to set my mom on fire. It was really, really not something I wanted. Ever.
“Threnody, Blackjack may have a point…” Sandalwood said. “You seem to be hiding quite a few things, sweetheart. And your eating is very… worrying to me. Are you sure that nothing’s wrong?” She asked, and the kindness behind her words stung like daggers of ice into my core.
“I’M FINE!” I shouted, my wings snapping open as I tried to puff myself up. “I DON’T WANT YOU TO MEET MY MOM! I EAT JUST FINE! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING BLACKJACK! NOT MAKING ME LOOK DUMB!”
“Huh,” Blackjack muttered to Sandalwood. “So that’s what I put you through. Though to be fair, I shot at you more too.” Then she leaned towards me. “Here’s the deal, kiddo. It might take a few jumps to Junction City, but I’ll get there. It might take some questions, but I’ll find the mayor’s office.” It really wouldn’t take much, considering that mayor Bright Light made the mayor’s residence the fanciest building in town. “When I do, I’ll find one of two things: a mare that’s underpaid, or a mare that is exploiting her daughter. Now I can find all this out on my own, or I can find it out with you, but I am going to find out.”
My heart thudded in my chest as I looked back and forth between Blackjack and Sandalwood. This couldn’t be happening! This wasn’t happening! I looked pleadingly at Sandalwood, who merely returned my look with one of concern.
“Threnody,” She said gently. “What’s going on?”
I couldn’t stop my breathing. Breaths came in and out, too quickly for me to handle. My heart raced, and it felt like I was dying. I was going to die! So I froze, staring in wide eyed terror at the two unicorn mares. If I didn’t move, they’d leave me alone. If I was small and quiet enough, they’d lose interest and move on. This wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be happening!
Blackjack looked on with a small smile, her emotions something I hadn’t felt from her before: empathy. “Panic attack,” she said softly. “You want a sleep spell, or let her come down on her own?” she asked Sandalwood.
Sandalwood looked at me sadly. “Stay with her a moment. She’ll come down on her own, but I want to bring Slate in. We’ve… all got some questions that need answering.” She said, teleporting away with a soft pop.
I looked back at Blackjack, my heart hammering in my chest. Please, just leave me alone! I begged in my head. Just don’t worry about it! I’m nothing to worry about!
“Well?” she asked me. “Are we going to Junction City, or are we staying here to answer questions?”
I tried to move my mouth, but I couldn’t. My tongue wouldn’t budge, and turned to marble in my mouth. Very, very slowly I shook my head ‘no.’
“Right. Right. Nod for leaving with me to Junction City, or shake your head for staying here and answering questions,” she said evenly. “Won’t be long before they return.”
Luna dammit, why? Why was she asking me this? What could she do to fix the problem? Why would taking on my mom even help?
Then again, did I really want to answer questions? I didn’t. I couldn’t. Why couldn’t everypony just leave me alone! Blackjack had asked me to pick one of two options. I elected for option three and flopped onto the floor, sobbing my eyes out.
She took a deep breath, rolled her eyes, and trotted over to me. She undid the bindings on her Pipbuck, shook it off, came over and removed mine, and then lifted me onto her back. There was a flash, and a pop like a lightbulb burning out as we collapsed on a filthy floor in some large ruined building. Spent bullet casings still gleamed on the floor, and the walls were deeply pitted with thousands of bullet holes. The wind whistled mournfully through a blown out window somewhere.
Blackjack collapsed, her compact horn now blackened all the way to the base. She hissed, pressing her hooves to the spire, and jerking them away as if burned. “Ow. Ow. Ow...” she hissed over and over again.
Blackjack was in pain. That much I could feel, even through my own little bubble of sorrow and self loathing. I reached a hoof out toward, doing the only thing I really knew how to do: take other pony’s pain away. A sharp, lancing pain shot down the white star on my forehead as I tried to draw the pain away from… well, if I was honest with myself, my friend.
“Stop. Stop stop stop,” she repeated as she waved a hoof at me. “I can handle it. Just... too much teleporting too soon with too much mass...” She groaned, “Ugh, I’m talking like an egghead.”
“I’m sorry I’m so fat,” I muttered.
“It’s my mass too, kiddo,” she replied, taking a deep breath. “You can take a breather here, then decide when you’re not in full freak out mode.”
I shivered, feeling my body starting to calm itself down. I looked about the ruined building, and marvelled at all of the bullet holes. What in the world happened here?
“Where are we?” I asked, after working my tongue into some semblance of muscle.
“Miramare. It’s on the outskirts of the Hoof, so they haven’t gone through and spiffied it up yet,” she said as looked around with a fond smile. “My friends and I came through here a couple times. Bad times, but it’s somewhere I remember and can be alone.”
I looked out of the broken window at the ruined airfield. This was the place where Blackjack had fought an Enclave vertibuck. Where Glory had been so cruelly branded a Dashite. I shivered at that thought, and sniffled a little. I didn’t understand how ponies who looked like me, and could fly like me, could be so cruel to one another.
“Do we really have to go talk to my mom?” I asked quietly after a long moment of silence. “I don’t want you to hurt her, Blackjack.”
“I’m not an executioner, kiddo. I want to know if she needs the caps or is she using you. If she needs the caps, then no harm or foul. If she doesn’t, then she’s going to stop using you.” She said as she idly stacked bullet casings on end. “But one way or another, I have to do something. I care too much about you not to.”
“Blackjack, there’s… a lot of things I don’t like about Junction City. I don’t want to go back there!” I pleaded. What if she… she found out? What if… what if she killed Blackjack!
She just regarded me evenly before replying, “Why not? This is way more than ‘I hate it.’ You nearly wet yourself back there. That’s not simple hate or dislike. That’s fear. Now if we were talking about the middle of the wasteland, fine, but you’re talking Junction City. That means we want to know why.”
I felt myself starting to shake as a look back at her. “Blackjack, what if… what if she tries to kill you?” I whispered. I didn’t know why i was whispering. I didn’t know why I thought that she could hear me. I just knew I didn’t want my friend to get hurt.
“Who?” she asked in turn, arching a brow and bubbling with amusement.
I shuddered, and curled my tail protectively around my hooves as I sat, staring at the ground. “It’s not funny, Blackjack. I… I don’t want to go back there. There’s just… a lot of really bad memories for me there. Please! Let’s just go home!” I plead, hoping if I changed the subject that Blackjack’s crazy idea of going back to Junction City would go away.
“Who’s going to kill me?” she asked with a positively merry smile. “I really want to meet them.”
I shrunk down a little bit. “Blackjack, this… this mare did bad things to me. I don’t want her to hurt you. Or for her to get angry with my mom.”
“So it’s not your mom,” she stated as her eyes narrowed a bit. “So, who did bad things to you? Who’s going to kill me? Because now I really... really... want to meet her.” Amusement was now increasingly laced with cold anger.
My eyes widened in fear as Blackjack started to get angry. “She… she…” I looked down at my hooves, and curled my tail closer around my legs. “She’s the mayor.”
She stared at me for a minute before giving a soft, “Huh.” Then she resumed standing up the spent casings. “Guessing you’re not in a mood to tell me what she did. That’s fine. I can find out myself.”
I looked up at her. “Blackjack, I just… I don’t want you to feel my pain. And you scare me when you’re angry. I…” I looked out the window, wishing that it wasn’t somewhat sunny and bright. Wasn’t the scenes like this in all the novels supposed to be overcast and stormy? “I don’t want you to think less of me for what happened. And… I’ve never told anyone. Are you sure you want to know?” I asked, feeling extremely vulnerable as I looked at her with my jade eyes.
She looked out the window too, the golden light playing on her smile. “Since I came to, all you Heartmenders do is try to help me and my pain. It’s annoying. Some pain doesn’t get helped. All I’ve wanted to do is help you, however I can.” She resumed standing her little squat copse of brass. “I want to hear it, if you want to tell it. Like I said, I can figure out the rest once I get there, if you can’t share. I know something about trauma though... the short kind and the long kind.”
I regarded her for a long moment, then trotted over to lay down in front of Blackjack’s forehooves. “It started just after I got my cutie mark,” I said, looking out at the sunshine, but enjoying the warmth of Blackjack’s presence more than the light. “They said there was… something wrong with the Mayor. Something she needed a heartmender for. So momma brought me to see her.” I said, shivering slightly.
“The mayor said she always had a… a thing, for fillies. Something that wasn’t right. Apparently somepony had gotten wind of it, and instead of reporting her to the NCR, they wanted her to see a heartmender.” I swallowed slightly, shivering again. Why did I feel so cold? “Mayor Bright Light was supposed to be a nice mare, so the ponies wanted to rehabilitate her. At least, that’s what mom told me when she brought me to see... her. So that’s what I was supposed to do.” I said quietly. “Must have seemed like a good idea. Have a filly heartmender help heal a mare who… did bad things to little fillies.”
My cheeks felt hot as pain and shame rolled over me. I was crying again, dammit. I hated crying! I didn’t want to be a crybaby. “Except that Heartmending only works if the pony wants to change,” I said, choking up. “And s-she didn’t want to change. So for an hour a day for two years, mom dropped me off to see her. A-and she did things to me. She wouldn’t stop. Mom wouldn’t listen no matter how much I cried. M-mom said I had to go, and that if I was having t-trouble with her, it was b-because I-I was t-too p-pretty!” I sobbed, closing my eyes and letting tears roll down my face.
“Too pretty, and that was why she couldn’t keep her hooves off of me.”
“Well, that explains some things. And here I thought you were just shy,” she said quietly as she continued to put casings on end. She had a positive forest of glittering brass beside her. “Wish I’d known, but I get why you didn’t tell me. Daisy went through something similar. I never figured it out till it was too late. Her mom hurt her the same way, and when I tried to stop it, nothing happened.” She said quietly, but in her was an icy nexus of hatred. “Well, don’t worry. We’ll have a few days to work something out.”
“Blackjack, this… really isn’t a good idea. P-please don’t make me face her!” I begged. “Willow saved me. From her. From my mom. From… everything. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you! Y-you’re the first pony I’ve told this to. E-even Willow Glen doesn’t know!”
“Kiddo, it doesn’t matter if it's a good idea or not. You’ve been wronged. You’re still being wronged. I need to make it right,” she said as reached out and patted my mane. “You don’t have to face either one of them. I’ll handle it. Hopefully you’ll help me think up an idea to bring them to justice, but if not, no worries. You don’t even have to come with me now, if you don’t want. I’ll go and take care of everything.”
I rolled over and curled up around her foreleg. The one that wasn’t patting my mane. “I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret, Blackjack. You… sometimes your idea of justice involves a lot of blood and a lot of death.” I said, mushing my face against the white coat of her chest. “I… I’ll go with you. I’m just really scared.”
She gave a chuckle. “Oh, yeah. Right now I’m thinking of lead pipes and confessions slurred through mouthfuls of blood and broken teeth. Even if they don’t confess, they’ll get some pain back. Not as much as they deserve.” She said as she pet my mane. “But some. I’m just afraid that I’ll just kill them. So hopefully you can help me come up with an idea that’s not going to end up with broken necks or splattered brains.”
I nodded, closing my eyes and her hoof slowly pet my mane. “I-I’ll think of something,” I said softly, marvelling at just how soft Blackjack could be. At how safe she could make me feel. Sometimes I forgot that she was almost a mom at one time. She probably would have made a really good one.
“Come on,” she said, rising to her hooves and walking through a battered dining area to a shower and locker room. Most of them had been shot to hell, but Blackjack walked over to one with a strange keypad and typed in ‘Regret.’ The door opened. Inside were two pairs of saddlebags and a duffle bag. She pulled them out and set them beside her. “Something for a rainy day,” she told me with a smile as she unzipped the bag, exposing a trove of supplies, guns, and ammunition.
I stuck my muzzle in the bag, looking over Blackjack’s treasures. “You and I have… very different definitions of a rainy day!” I said, pulling out what I thought was another IF-8 pistol. However, this one looked very different, with strange firey red gems on it. “What is this?” I asked, delicately holding up the weapon. “Where do the bullets go?”
“That’s a disintegration pistol. Don’t stick it up your nose,” Blackjack warned as she withdrew a set of brown leather barding and strapped it onto her body, then the saddle bags. “I can teach you how to use it, but I only know the basics. Some things in the wasteland you need a little magic weaponry to drop.” She had a pump-action shotgun and a ten millimeter pistol that she checked before placing the weapons in their sling and holster. “Be fun doing this with no EFS. Like a hardcore, wasteland survival experience.”
I nodded, and slipped the smaller of the two saddlebags over my flanks. I grabbed a little holster for my pistol, and the little green crystal cartridges that it took for ammo. “I…” I frowned, strapping my holster to my left foreleg. “Thank you, Blackjack.”
“Oh, don’t thank me,” she said as she stuffed the bag back in the locker. “This is a terrible idea. I’m super rusty. You’re new. And it’s a long walk to Junction City.” Yet she didn’t hesitate in the slightest. She felt almost happy as she walked past her little forest of casings and started out the door.
A bright light filled the room, and suddenly a burst of sparkles showered over Blackjack and I as Glitter Bomb appeared above us, and suddenly crashed to the floor. “Hey! This isn’t the bathroom at the collegiate!” She waved at the two of us as I gave her the most confused look I think I’d ever given her. “You two don’t know where the nearest filly’s room is, do ya?”
I stared at Glitter a moment. “Glitter, I didn’t even know you could teleport!”
“I can! Sort of. I have been practicing teleporning. So as soon as Sandalwood said you and Blackjack were missing, I telepurted to you!” She said with a grin.
I looked at her, nonplussed. “But how did you know where we were?” I asked, looking to Blackjack for support.
“I didn’t! I just televisioned to you!”
“But how could you televi-argh! Teleport to me if you didn’t know where I was?!”
Glitter cocked her head to the side. “Um… by teleporting to you?” She asked.
“Makes sense to me,” Blackjack said as she started out, with me feeling baffled and Glitter Bomb following us merrily.
“It’s really simple, if you think about it. It’s not like you’re trying to do maths or something. Like that weird cactus thing with all the funny letters.”
I was doomed... and yet, despite what a terrible idea this was... how ill prepared we were... how much everyone was going to freak out at our disappearance... how utterly I dreaded our destination...
I smiled a little.
Level Up!
New Perk! Extra Special: You always knew that you were holding yourself back. +1 to STR.
Quest Perk! You Shot Security: Everyone who’s cool has done it. Gain +5 to Speech, and the disposition of anti-authority groups is treated as one higher for you.
“Softness is not weakness. It takes courage to stay delicate in a world this cruel.” - Fluttershy
I woke up a few hours later curled up beneath Glitter’s wing. I could hear the rain plinking down on the metal roof of the old ice cream shop we’d stayed in the night before. I was tired, dirty, and we were a little short on food, but I’d never felt more alive or motivated in my life. I was terrified of going back to Junction City, but I also knew that I had my friends to watch my back. Blackjack would make sure nothing happened to me, and Glitter Bomb was a nice beacon of happiness in the constant melancholy that was endemic to the Equestrian Wasteland.
I wiggled out from under Glitter’s soft purple wing, careful not to wake her, and trotted over to where Blackjack was keeping watch. She smiled at me as I sat down on my haunches next to her. We said nothing for a moment, just admiring the passing shower as the raindrops staccatoed on the roof. We were safe in the knowledge that this far from the Hoof, the rain wouldn’t last long. Not with the Lightbringer in control of the Single Pegasus Project towers.
“This was my first real taste of the wasteland,” Blackjack said as she stared down the road to the south west, towards the faint glow of civilization. In the gloom, I could barely make out a large billboard that read ‘Welcome to Hoofington.’ Some wit had added something about abandoning hope in bright red paint across the bottom. Or at least I hoped it was paint. “Watcher guided P-21 and I here. Ran across some raiders who’d caught some kids. I guess he wanted to see what we’d do.”
I looked up at her, skewing an ear to the side. “You saved the kids, right?” I winced slightly as I realised I made it sound like she was telling me a story from a book. The heroine always saved the day, right? Even if I knew that wasn’t always the case.
“Sure. Security saves ponies. Especially from maniacs who think bondage-wear is barding,” she murmured as acidic self recrimination oozed from her heart. “The next day I got one of them torn in half because of my stupid.” She glanced at me. “It really hurts... being ripped in two like that...”
I shuddered at the thought. I didn’t have a reference point for that, but one of the empathic feedbacks I’d suffered had nearly run the length of my spine. “I… can’t imagine. I got close enough to being skewered through and through by the scorpion. I’d kinda like to avoid the tearing in half bit.” I agreed, twitching my wings slightly at the thought.
“I’ll try and prevent that, but watch out. My track record isn’t the best,” Blackjack said, with a wry smile that didn’t match the simmering bubble self hatred that hid behind that smile. Then she adopted a wistful tone, “You know, I didn’t think that I would be able to leave the Hoof. Not after we went through where I got Scoodle killed.” She admitted. Sorrow and self loathing puddled around her hooves, but it was only a small puddle. Not like before. “I guess flying over would be safer than trotting right through the middle of all those ghouls.” She paused. “Though I still hate flying.”
I smiled up at her. “Well, you don’t have your metal wings anymore. We didn’t need to cross it on hoof when we have an alicorn like Glitter who’s more than capable of carrying you and your gear.” I said with a grin. “Though I can’t say I blame you for that bit of fear.”
She nodded, then lightly poked my side. “How are you doing?” She asked, with that wry little smirk, half big sister, half best friend... half immature maniac.
I frowned slightly, then leaned against her side. “I’m okay. I don’t really wanna go back to Junction City. But I do like that we’re moving. That we’re going somewhere. Even if we’re gonna need to stop for food at some point,” I shrugged. “But I feel more alive than I did back in the Hoof.”
“Yeah. Even after blowing it up, the place is still weird,” she said with a shake of her head. “I don’t know if it was the Eater or Nightmare Moon’s shadow world or something else entirely, but there’s a stain on this town. I’m not sure it’ll ever wash out.” She glanced down at me. “So. How bad do you think it’s gonna be when the Heart Menders start looking for us?”
I bit my lip. “Um… that depends on how freaked out Sandalwood is. And possibly Caledonia, considering Glitter is missing, too. Er, missing with us. With us.” Luna dammit, I couldn’t talk this morning! “So they’ll likely start sending out searches fairly soon after you and I disappeared? Though they know they won’t have an easy time of it without our pipbucks.” I frowned slightly. “Though… Sandalwood may ask them to send somepony to Junction City in case we show up there.”
“Or maybe Sandalwood talks to Heartshine, Heartshine talks to Velvet, Velvet talks to Littlepip, and Littlepip uses the SPP to spot us in a few minutes and we get hauled back to the Hoof. Or wherever they try to haul me.” She gave a little smirk, as if anticipating the fight. Then she rubbed her chin. “We’re going to need to make a side trip.”
My ears drooped as I looked up at her. Blackjack was thinking. Dangerous occupation, that. “Um… Blackjack? You look like you’re plotting. I know just enough about you to know that you plotting is the equivalent of praying to Discord and Pinkie Pie for miracles and fun.”
“You have a problem with fun?” she asked with a grin. I had to remind myself that her body was literally made of Discord’s... something or other. “It’s not as hard as getting an airship to sneak into Thunderhead. Mostly, it’s just stopping in on a good friend.” Her smile faded away. “At least, I hope we’re still good friends. It’s been a while.”
I frowned thoughtfully. “Well, does your good friend have snacks? I mean, Glitter kinda eats a lot. I mean I can go withou-”
“Relax. We’re fine. You’re with me and an alicorn. What could go wrong?” she asked, that even grin still on her face.
“OUAGGGHHHH!” Glitter Bomb shouted as she let out a monstrous blast of flatulence. “I think that last can of mystery hay was yucky!” With her wings tightly pressed against her barrel, she couldn’t fly us to wherever Blackjack was leading us, which was apparently up a mountain in the middle of nowhere. “My tummy won’t stop rumbling… now I feel all pooty. Nopony better stand downwind.”
I nearly faceplanted as I tried my best to not laugh at my friend’s plight. “Okay. No more Cram for you.”
“Could be worse,” Blackjack said as she lead us up a trail that snaked back and forth, barely visible for the landslides that obscured its passage. She didn’t seem to have much trouble, sweating slightly as she meandered her way up. “To be honest, this way’s probably safer than flying. My friend’s had some bad run-ins with the Enclave, and he’s really not big on visitors. Not sure how he’d take both of you flying about.”
“The Enclave?” I asked, looking up the mountainside. Come to think of it, some of the stones farther up the trail did look… melted. Did a Raptor do this?
“The Enchilada made your friend sad?” Glitter Bomb’s tummy gurgled ominously. “D-do you think your friend will let me use the little filly’s room? I know how food can make you sad now...”
“Not only does he have a little filly’s room, but I know he will. Provided he doesn’t eat us. I mean. He might. He probably thinks I’m dead,” she said as she moved into some clouds that obscured the upper third of the mountain. “I’m just wondering where the mines and turrets are. I miss my EFS.”
“Wait. Eat us?” I asked incredulously. “Wait… who the hay is your friend, Blackjack? And… and turrets? We’re not equipped for this!” I protested, fluttering up after her.
“I would be the saddest snack cake…” Glitter muttered from behind me.
As if in response to my question, a boulder popped open like a clam, exposing a round drum with two gatling beam casters lighting up. Almost as fast, Blackjack disappeared, popping into place directly behind it. Glitter Bomb wrapped both of us in a shield, as Blackjack conjured that blazing sword and swept it cleanly into the body of the turret. One, two, three swings and the pillar exploded. Blackjack approached us, her keen red eyes scanning the rocks around us. “He probably can’t see through all the mist. Come on, we should hurry before he incinerates the entire mountain side.” She turned and hurried up the trail.
I was following a madmare! What in the Sorrell Hells was I thinking!? She was insane! I bolted after her, keeping pace with her climbing as Glitter followed after us, occasionally assisted by the jet propulsion of the loud, boisterous farts that were afflicting her.
Blackjack prowled up in full wasteland warrior mode. When a turret exposed itself, she’d cut it in two, or blast it with a magic bullet before I could blink. More than once she magically deactivated mines and slipped them into her saddlebag. I’d have been dusted a dozen times over on my own. “You okay?” she asked as she lead the way. “You look down.”
I shot her a glare. “I look like I’ve nearly died about eighteen different times in the past ten minutes! How… how well do you know this stallion?” I asked exasperatedly, skipping over rocks, and glancing back to make sure Glitter was still following. My poor purple friend was starting to look positively green as she quickly cantered up the hill. Her wings continued to press against her abdomen. “I’m also worried that Glitter is gonna pop from all that-” BRRRRRRRT! “Gas…”
“Eh... so so. I’d like to think we’re friends. Mostly. Like I said, he probably thinks I’m dead, so yeah. Hopefully he’ll talk first and eat later.” She paused as we reached the mouth of an immense cave. “Here we go,” she said and trotted inside. The mouth of the cave was gargantuan, yet the idea of being in a little space with millions and billions of tons of rock overhead... of course the alternative was staying out here with Glitter.
Suddenly the air was split by a roar that shook the stones beneath my hooves and sent rocks clattering down around the mouth of the cave, following by a shriek from Blackjack and a deep infernal booming laughter. Oh Celestia, I was sooooo fired.
I hesitated at the roar. I mean, Blackjack really wanted to die, didn’t she? I guess we could just go back the way we came. One of those turret rocks could serve as a bathroom for Glitter, ri-oh crap there she went.
Glitter bounded through the cave opening. “HI MISTER ANGRY PERSON I’M SORRY WHERE IS YOUR BATHROOM I HOPE YOU DIDN’T EAT BLACKJACK!” She shouted as she ran in, a shield wrapped around herself.
“Glitter! Get back here!” I shouted, following after her. Well, maybe today was a good day to die. I drew my small disintegration pistol, and flew after Glitter, looking around at the flame scarred walls. Sweet Luna. What the hell melted the walls like that?
The inside of the cave was just as badly mangled and scarred as the outside. Rocks were shattered and blackened, as if there’d been a great battle that had taken place just inside the cave. Bullet holes lined the cavern walls, but I tried to pay them no mind as I raced after my purple friend. “Blackjack!” I called out, hoping against hope that I wasn’t about to be dessert. Did pegasus count as a dessert item?
Suddenly the lights set in the ceiling turned on and I found myself face to face with a enormous purple reptile with green spines... and the largest eyepatch in the world. He let out a snort, teeth longer than my leg gleaming as he grinned down at me, a rumble deep in his chest signalling my bloody, visceral demise.
Then he pointed a claw at a tiny cave to the left. “Bathroom’s that way. Second on the left,” he said in a voice so deep I could nearly feel it in my bones. His eye focused on me. “Welcome.”
I stared up at the dragon, paralyzed by his size. He was so going to eat me. Polite of him to point the bathroom out to Glitter, but he was going to eat me. I felt myself hyperventilating as I locked eyes with him. “Please don’t eat me like you did Blackjack! I’m sure she was tasty, but Glitter and I will be on our way as soon as she destroys your toilet.”
“Thanks!” Glitter shouted, darting into the smaller cave, then poked her head out. “Wait! You’re a dragon!” she blurted, and her stomach gurgled, face screwing up. “Just stay right... ooooohhh... dumb mystery hay!” she wailed as she disappeared out of sight.
The dragon chuckled deep in his chest. “I don’t think eating Blackjack would be that healthy. I’d probably die of alcohol poisoning.”
Suddenly Blackjack appeared on his head. “Hey, I haven’t drunk anything in a day. And how did you even know I was alive at all? I was planning on keeping it a surprise!”
“Blackjack. I’m Watcher,” he chuckled, smirking as he looked up at the white unicorn perched on his head like a hat before regarding me. “You must be Threnody. I have it on good authority that you’re grounded for a hundred years, per someone named Sandalwood.”
In spite of my fear, the fact that Sandalwood was trying to ground me pissed me off. “Grounded!? What the hell!? She can’t do that! She’s not my mom!” I shouted before realising just how foalish and ridiculous it probably sounded to the massive dragon. “I… er… I mean. Yes. I’m Threnody.”
“A pleasure,” he said, holding out a hand to let Blackjack jump down next to me. The immense cavern was taken up by his hoard and spectacular mosaics of six ponies made out of glittering gemstones. It was of the Ministry Mares as they’d been at Blackjack’s age. Delicate gemstones glimmered from strung lines like tiny stars, refracting the light into a thousand points of radiance. “As I said, I’m Watcher. Or Spike, if we’re being informal,” he rumbled, then his smile faded. “You’ve got a lot of ponies panicking very quietly, Blackjack.”
“Well, that’s an improvement over them panicking loudly, isn’t it?” she replied.
I giggled despite myself. “Well, I do think that is an improvement. And I mean, hey, Heartshine probably thinks we’re just off on an impromptu in-vivo experience. Right? Testing your…” Words failed me as I tried to come up with some sort of heartmender-y excuse. “Stuff. And… We’re completely fucked, aren’t we? I am so fired!”
“You’re not fired. You’re grounded. That means you still have to work,” Blackjack replied with a grin before looking up at Spike. It took all of my willpower to not stick my tongue out at her. “That’s why we’re here, actually. The three of us are just taking a little trip, and we need you to get the Heartmenders to call off the search. I’m fine. Thren’s fine. Glitter’s fine. We’re all fine.”
“You took off your PipBucks they gave you to prevent you from doing just what you’re doing now,” Spike rumbled.
“I never had a PipBuck!” Glitter called as she trotted in from the smaller cave. She looked much less stressed and pained. “Also you are purple and have an eyepatch and that makes you two-hundred percent awesomener!”
“Look, Spike. The Heartmenders haven’t let me take two steps without being monitored. Flashing away is the only way to get away from them. And Thren has something she needs to take care of. I want to help her, but we can’t do it if we have to have a whole party of shrinks trotting around the wasteland!”
“Wouldn’t that be something?” Spike said as he chuckled.
“And we can’t go to Jumble City if we’re grounded to the corner,” Glitter added helpfully. “You are really purple. Do you have a girlfriend?” She asked shyly, hiding behind her flowing purple mane as she scuffed a forehoof on the ground.
I frowned at Glitter and shook my head. “I think us getting away for a bit would be good. For Blackjack, and for me. Plus, I mean, I’m here to kind of keep a tight leash on her. Right, Blackjack?”
“Oh, sure. Very tight,” Blackjack said with a grin. I suddenly had the impression of a great big dog dragging a little filly behind it. Then her smile faded. “Anyway. I need to talk to her.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Who’s ‘her’?” I asked, curious. I mentally prayed that Blackjack wouldn’t make a quip about being jealous.
Spike’s smile disappeared. “That’s not something I can do, Blackjack.”
“Actually,” Blackjack retorted. “That’s something that only you can do. And since I’ve read the book, I know you can do it.” She peered out toward the cave entrance. “You know, I get that she’s Honesty, but you’d think that she’d have kept a few details to herself.” She pointed a hoof at him. “I need to talk to her. She’s got the eyes, and I know she’d want to help. And she can keep everyone off our tail, but send the cavalry if we run into trouble.”
Who in Equus was she talking about? “Who are you two talking about?” I asked again.
The pair just gave me a look like ‘bigponies talking’ and then looked back at each other. “I’ll be quick. And if she wants me to drop this, I’ll drop it. But I think...” she paused and took a deep breath. “I think she’ll understand.”
Glitter Bomb fluttered up to Spike’s eye level. “Please Mr. Purple! Blackjack wouldn’t have tried to go up your mountain of doom and boom and glittery death if she didn’t think it was kinda important!” She tried to give him a coy grin, which I doubted would work on the dragon, but made her look more adorable. “And I think your eye patch is very flattering!”
The big dragon looked nonplussed by the compliment, and pursed his lips a moment. “Let me contact her and make sure she’s up to it.”
Glitter squeaked happily, and hugged Spike’s nose. “THANK YOU! I KNEW YOU WERE AWESOME!” She shrieked with delight. He smiled, and even blushed a little as he shifted over to the terminal. Blackjack had gone cool though. She was staring at the mosiac, her eyes locked on the unicorn made of amethysts in the center.
I trotted over to Blackjack’s side, and looked up at the unicorn. “What’s up?” I asked, looking at the image of Twilight Sparkle, the Ministry Mare of Magic.
“Just... thinking about things,” she said as she gazed up. “Big horseshoes to fill.”
I nodded in agreement with her, my eyes settling on the topaz mare with a mane of pink quartz. “Any of their horseshoes would be big to fill,” I added softly.
Spike turned back to us, his face composed. “You know how you have to get there. It’s going to hurt.”
“That’s okay,” Blackjack answered. “I’m used to being hurt.” She then glanced at me. “You want to come with? I shouldn’t be very long.”
“Go where?” I asked, suddenly apprehensive. “I mean, um. Yes. I’ll go with you, Blackjack,” I said, hoping that I didn’t make a horrible mistake.
Blackjack looked up at Glitter Bomb. “Hey, Glitter, you mind keeping the nice, handsome dragon company?”
Glitter saluted Blackjack. “I would love to keep Mr. Spike company! He and I can talk about snacks and his pretty jewels and being purple! Oh, and he can tell me how brave and awesome he is! Right, Mr. Spike?” She asked, grinning at the dragon.
Spike waved a clawed hand. “Aw, shucks, Glitter Bomb. I don’t know about brave and awesome. But I can tell you about some of the cool things I did with the Ministry Mares before the war!” I wondered if I didn’t detect a hint of the dragon that Spike used to be from back then. Back when the world was probably a much simpler place, and he had his friends to keep him company.
Blackjack took my shoulders and turned my back to Spike. “On three.” Wait. What was on three? “One.” Blackjack stated, staring into my eyes. “Two.” My heart thudded in my chest. What was three? Why didn’t she say what three was!? Spike inhaled deeply. “Three!”
I’ve made a terrible... and then I died, consumed by dragonfire.
I’m dead. I’m dead! I’m deaddeaddead! No. Not dead. I hurt too much to be dead. Except... I didn’t hurt at all... exactly. I’d been hurt. Horribly ripped down to my atoms and whisked away on dragon magic. That didn’t stop me shaking from the sensation that I’d just gotten to know a balefire phoenix on a level most religions frowned upon prior to matrimony! That was not something I wanted to go through twice!
We were in a chamber that seemed to be in high spring. The sky seemed to shimmer through some sort of technology, mimicking the clear sky. Pink petals clung to trees, and the air had a delicate scent to it. “Ow,” Blackjack hissed before me, gritting her teeth a moment. “That was an eight.”
I lifted up my left forehoof and turned it over. “An eight?” I asked, wiggling and shaking myself, trying to get the horrible sensation of having been disintegrated and un-disintigrated – reintegrated? – out of my system. If unicorn teleportation felt like being pulled through a small hole in the universe, dragonfire felt like someone set you on fire, burned you to ashes, then magically made the ashes a whole pony again. “That… what… Why didn’t you warn me about that?!” I squeaked at her, my voice cracking.
“Because then you would have whined and complained before coming along anyway,” she said as she sniffed her leg. “Ugh, I smell like dragon breath now,” she said as she rose to her hooves. “So... here’s where she’s staying. Nice for a prison, I guess.”
“Thank you,” came a melodious voice that seemed to drive away the horrors of our trip here. On a wall appeared a unicorn with a crown and a gently flowing mane. “I do try. And we’re working on that. I prefer to think of this as a sanctuary. Like your Star House, Blackjack.”
I swear, my jaw hit the floor. Th-that. She. Dead. Wait. How? Blackjack’s hoof reached over and gently pushed my lower jaw up with a click of my teeth. “P-princess Celestia?!” I stared at the image on the wall. “How?”
“You really need to read more,” Blackjack replied as she trotted to the screen. “How is she?”
“Tired,” Celestia replied, “But eager to see you again. A friend back from the dead is always treasured,” the pony princess in the machine replied. My mind was still trying to process how in the world the sun goddess was talking to us. And why Blackjack kept saying I needed to read more. I read a lot!
“I’m not sure I count as a friend,” Blackjack replied, dropping her eyes.
“You count,” the princess answered, her voice soft and soothing. It was strange, even though she was in… something like a machine, I could feel her kindness from here. Then the door hissed open. The passage beyond was the pinnacle of arcane science. As we walked, Celestia appeared to walk with us, passing from monitor to monitor as if the princess was just on the other side of the wall. “It’s been weeks since she last had a visitor. Everypony is busy trying to find the last elements. I’m sure she’s eager for your visit.”
“Who is she?” I asked softly. I’d hardly been able to take my eyes off of the princess. Even on a monitor, she looked just as majestic and regal as she had in my picture books from when I was a filly. Her glorious multi-hued mane flowed softly on the screen, and she positively exuded this maternal grace. It made me realise just how drab I was in comparison.
In reply, the door before us opened and we stepped into a theatre... Or perhaps planetarium was a closer analogy. From a crystal in the center of the domed chamber shone dozens, perhaps hundreds, of projections that ranged from ones as small as my hoof to others as large as a stallion. A couch encircled the crystal projector, and a lone occupant croaked, “Tower Ninety-Two, No-” she broke into a fit of coughing. “Ninety-T-” more coughing. “Luna’s frosted milk shakes!”
“Littlepip,” Celestia chided gently from speakers. “You have company.”
I froze as the name and recognition from my foalhood rushed back. Littlepip, the mare who could do anything. The mare who showed up and made Junction R-7 into Junction Town. The first mare I’d seen with a pipbuck. Here I was, standing in front of a living legend, and all I could think of was how utterly tired she felt, both physically and emotionally, and how she really could use something warm to drink. “Do you need some lemongrass tea for that cold?” I asked quietly.
The tiny gray mare frowned as Blackjack collapsed laughing, holding her barrel as she guffawed. “Really?” the mare sniffed, her voice thick before she answered me primly, “No, I should be fine for now,” she said, giving me a weary smile, “Thank you for the offer, though. I’m sure Homage will bring some on her next visit. Anything to fight this Tartarus butt-fucking cold.”
“You’re the Lightbringer,” I offered her a smile, and reached over to slap Blackjack with a wing. “Why didn’t you tell me we were meeting the Princess?! And the freaking Lightbringer!” I snapped, batting her with my wing repeatedly. “Bad pony! Bad!”
Blackjack continued to roll around on the ground laughing, all while Littlepip looked on, utterly bemused.
“How old are you? Four? You’re like, four! I swear, I am your babysitter! You dummy mcstupidface! Why did you drag me through dragonfire without telling me just who we were going to meet!? I swear to Luna!” I paused my winged assault on Blackjack, then let my ears wilt as I gave the Princess an apologetic look. “Oh, I uh… I mean…” Fuck.
“That’s quite all right, Threnody. I’ve heard far worse,” Celestia said primly, making Littlepip flush. “What was that charming epithet that you said last week about my buxom flanks, Littlepip?”
While there was annoyance from the Lightbringer, it was paper-thin. Nostalgia surged like waves at high tide from the small grey mare, longing for friends that were now out and doing things on their own. The cold pit of loneliness in Littlepip’s heart was rock solid, but also well resigned.
“So... can I help you, Blackjack?” she asked coolly as Blackjack wiped her tears away. “While I love the visit, I really need to keep an eye out. Homage and the others are in a dead zone and I’m waiting for them to reappear.”
I looked over the petite mare as she spoke to my friend, and felt a small stab of annoyance. She was taller than me. Maybe it was just the horn, but I swore she was taller than me. “Blackjack said she needed to talk to you about um, well, kinda… um…” I scratched the back of my neck. “Hiding us? So we don’t get grounded?” Way to go, Threnody. Way to sound like you’re trying to rope your aunt into your shenanigans as a filly. Goodness, Blackjack’s influence was infecting my brain! I could feel my mental age plummeting just by the mere proximity to her!
Blackjack stopped laughing and sat up. “Threnody has something she needs to take care of. I’m going to help her. I also know that all the other Heartmenders are going to be looking for us. I’d like you not to tell them where we are. Unless, you know, we’re beset on all sides by raiders out to eat our brains.”
“You came all the way here to ask me about that?” Littlepip asked as if she couldn’t believe it.
“Yeah,” Blackjack replied. “And to see you again.” There was something about how she said that. Some unsaid acknowledgement that passed from one mare to the other. It wasn’t intimate. It wasn’t anything I’d ever felt before. Celestia shared it. An odd feeling. An old feeling. I suddenly felt very… young.
I stood silently as I waited for them to speak. When they didn’t, I looked at the Princess. “I really want to help Blackjack,” I said quietly. “And getting her away from the Hoof seemed like a good idea. She just… also wants to… help me? I guess?” I explained, looking back and forth between Celestia and Littlepip. “I don’t really want to cause either of you any trouble. And… I’m sorry she didn’t tell us who we were going to meet. It’s… an honour to meet both of you,” I said, giving what I hoped was a respectful curtsey.
Somehow, the two mares disapproved faintly. “Don’t worry about it,” Littlepip said, waving a hoof with a PipBuck embedded in it. Then she smirked at Blackjack, “Apparently she took months to figure out I was the ‘Stable Dweller.’”
“Hey, you’re not six feet tall in flying power armor shooting lightning from your horn. If you were, I’d have made it a lot sooner,” Blackjack said before she glanced at me. “She got hurt, Littlepip. By someone in Junction City. We’re going there to make it right.”
Celestia looked at me with an expression of concern. “It isn’t that I don’t think that wrongs need to be righted, but what is to say that this won’t end up like the time before, Blackjack?” She asked, her voice soothing and even, but a pang of regret rang true like an augmented fourth chord. “I know you are trying to make changes, but what is to say that you won’t go off and kill the pony responsible for Threnody’s injuries?”
“Because I won’t let her,” I said quietly, causing all three mares to look at me. “I don’t want anypony to get hurt.”
“Uh huh,” she replied, with that tiny smile before she looked at Littlepip.
“If you just give me a name, I can have Gawd take care of this. You don’t need to involve yourself at all,” Littlepip said with a frown.
“I could, but this is more for Thren to do. I’m just... with her for the ride,” Blackjack said quietly.
“I don’t think that Gawd knowing her name would help,” I added. “She’s… very politically powerful, and even Gawdina Grimfeather’s influence would be kinda… small. Politically, the power kinda lies in the big cities.” I bit my lip as I thought about it. “I don’t really know, honestly.”
I didn’t know what I was doing. I knew that I couldn’t let the mayor keep hurting ponies. While I didn’t agree with Blackjack’s idea of me confronting her personally, I did know that nopony else should have to feel the way I did. And it made my stomach hurt to think that there were others… many others that she’d already made feel that way before.
“The NCR is kinda new, and kinda trying to get a feeling for its hooves. I don’t know how well it could handle an upset this big, which is why I didn’t want to talk to Sandalwood and Slate about it,” I admitted to the three mares.
Blackjack trotted over and put a hoof around my shoulder. I didn’t flinch. “And I’m here to keep her safe. Like Security is supposed to do. No murders. No mayhem. Just keeping a young pony safe.”
“...By dragging her across the Discord fucked wasteland?” Littlepip deadpanned, then shook her head. She and Blackjack shared that same, old mare look. “Alright Blackjack, I’ll help. This better not get me in trouble with Homage,” For the first time, the Lightbringer gave a small smile.
“That’s all I asked for, but thanks, Pip,” Blackjack replied, giving Celestia a cocky wave. “Princess, it’s been wild. But we’d better be going,” She said, turning to head back down the hallway.
I stayed behind a moment, then dug through my saddlebags before trotting up to Littlepip. “I know Homage may bring you some tea, but I figured this is the least I can do for helping us out,” I explained, setting down a small box of peppermint tea that I’d found in the soda shop we’d slept in the night before. “And I hope you feel better soon.”
Littlepip cocked her head to the side a moment, then gave me a soft smile. “Thank you,” She said with a sniffle. “You know, I’ve been watching you. I kinda figured you’d leave something behind. You heartmenders really are something,” The Lightbringer shook her head, then returned to her couch. I took that as my leave, and trotted after Blackjack.
I’d nearly made it to where Blackjack was waiting before I stopped, and looked up at the digital princess, who’d been quietly escorting me out of Littlepip’s command. I couldn’t put a name to the emotions I was feeling from the avatar of the Princess, because they were deep, complex, and impossibly old. “Princess?” I asked quietly, looking up at the monitor.
Celestia offered me a sad smile, one that was heavily tainted by the feeling of old, gentle regret that radiated softly from her screen. My hoof somehow found its way to the screen itself before she spoke. “I just can’t help but be amused by how much you remind me of her, Threnody,” She shifted her glimmering mane that no longer had physical form.
“Who, Princess?” I asked, given that there were countless ponies in the alicorn’s lifetime I could be reminiscent of.
“Winter Willow. One of the first official Heartmenders. Though they were called Heart Healers in that day. She and her friends brought Equestria through a dark period in our history. But she was always sad, and always seemed to hold onto something. It wasn’t until a few years later I’d learned what she’d taken from me on the night that my sister became Nightmare Moon. It took all of her friends to get her to let it go.” She cocked her head to the side. “I can’t help but wonder if you’ll be able to do the same at the end of your journey, with the help of your friends.”
I swallowed. “I… I don’t know.” I admitted truthfully. “I know I need to. Blackjack won’t let me leave Junction City till I do.” I leaned my forehead against the monitor. “Princess, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this.”
The star mark on my forehead suddenly felt a bit warmer as the princess’ love flowed over me. “Nopony does, my little pony. But with the help of your friends, I believe you can.” I lifted my head to give her a smile. “If you find that you can’t believe in your own strength, then believe in the strength of your friends. They can carry you when the road becomes too rough for your hooves.”
“I don’t know if I have the right to ask them that, Princess,” I said, looking down at my hooves and the grated metal floor.
“I knew, back then, that I didn’t have the right to ask that of my friends either,” Celestia replied, sorrow and regret rushing over me in such a torrent that I physically staggered. “I should have when things were hurting the most. Maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened,” She offered me a sad smile. “I made my choice, however. You have to make yours.”
I spread out my wings and shook myself, trying to get rid of the cloying damp of regret and sorrow. I placed both of my hooves against the monitor, pressing my forehead against it once again. “I will try, Princess. I promise to try.”
To my surprise, her hooves pressed back lightly against mine, and she pressed her forehead against her side of the screen. “That’s all I ask.” The flow of care and concern from her was enough to get me to step away. “Oh, and before Blackjack asks, I am fine. Or rather, I will be. Having Littlepip here for company is much more helpful than being alone.”
And with that, she disappeared, the panel returning to the pretty green field on the display. I shook my head and trotted back to Blackjack. “Now… how do we get out of here?”
Turns out getting back into Watcher’s cave was easier than going in. The princess was able to activate a magical portal that sent us to Spike’s home. Blackjack and I arrived to find Spike and Glitter deep in conversation about the roles of heroes in something called Ogres and Oubliettes.
Glitter gasped as we trotted out of the portal. “Oh! Good! You really aren’t dead!”
“I told you! My dragonfire just moves things like a teleporter!” Watcher said as he looked down at us. “Did you get what you wanted, Blackjack?”
She gave him a small smile. “Oh yeah.”
I frowned at the back of Blackjack’s head. “Then why bring me along? And be honest, Blackjack. I’ll know if you’re lying.”
Blackjack scrunched up her muzzle as she turned to look back at me. “Because you needed to experience riding on dragon fire?” She offered, rather unhelpfully. “Maybe I thought you might like to see the inside of the SPP? Meet Princess Celestia and the Lightbringer?”
I lay my ears back flat against my skull and gave her an annoyed look. “Blackjack. I’m asking seriously. Because at the moment, the only thing I can think of is that you did this entire detour to the Single Pegasus Project in order for me to get eyes on Littlepip and the Princess!”
“I did want you to get eyes on Littlepip and the Princess,” Blackjack admitted quietly. “I wanted to know how they were doing.” Care, compassion, and genuine embarrassment lightly drifted out from her as she looked down at her hooves. Then she took a deep breath, feigning a carefree smile. “I also needed to make sure that Heartshine didn’t talk to Velvet, and Velvet didn’t ask Littlepip to find us. I don’t want to be whisked back to Star House just yet.” She turned her back on me, silent for a moment. “I hope Littlepip’s alright. And Celestia. It’s not... easy... living like that.”
“They’re… managing, Blackjack,” I said softly, trotting over to her side as Glitter Bomb flew over to us. “Littlepip is very lonely, and wishes she could leave. Celestia is… full of sorrow and regret, but honestly? She’s like, thousands of years old. I doubt that you’d live that long without having a lot of regrets. But she’s very… happy that Littlepip is there with her.” I frowned at the white unicorn mare. “Why couldn’t you’ve just asked me that in the first place?”
Spike rumbled in his opinion from overhead. “Probably because I would have told her to respect Littlepip’s privacy,” He said, peering down at us three mares. “Because it sounds like that really was a question you could have asked with my monitors.”
“It’s not the same, Spike,” she said as she glanced up at him. “It’s not the same. You know that better than anyone. It’s not the same,” she said with a snotty sniff. “You try to touch someone through a screen... it’s not the same.” Blackjack grit her teeth, fighting and failing the tears on her cheeks, causing Glitter to wrap a wing around her back. “I know I’m barely her friend, but shouldn’t I at least try to check up on Pip? She’s trapped in there, day after day, living life through screens. She’s watching, Spike. And sure, she can ram a tornado up a raider’s ass, but it’s not the same as being there with your friends.”
I frowned thoughtfully a moment. I hadn’t considered that. “Well… presumably, Celestia would have alerted us to her state.” I said, trying to think things through. “Or Watcher would have called Homage, right?” I asked, looking up at the dragon.
Spike nodded, and crossed his massive forearms. “Littlepip may be up there alone, but you and I both know why. Her immune system is shot. Her body is extremely frail, and realistically, she’s the best mare for the job of managing the weather. Even if the pegasi have been given that job back in the New Lunar Commonwealth,” he muttered.
Glitter nosed at the back of Blackjack’s head. “What I think Mr. Spike and Threnody are tryin’ to say is that you need to tell the truth more and say lies less. You’re bad at lying, Blackjack. Bad like that mystery hay.”
Blackjack chuckled softly at Glitter’s remark. “Oh? Is that how it is? So bad my lies give everyone gas?”
“More like you give everyone panic attacks when you tell the truth,” Spike deadpanned, and shook his head. “In any case, Littlepip and I will watch over your journey as you three head toward Junction City. The way should be relatively clear, and I think Pip is planning on keeping the weather nice for you. But we will send help if you get into trouble.” He said, pointing a claw down at Blackjack and I. “No ifs, ands, or buts about it!”
“And I’ll accept any punishment we get from the adults when I get back,” I replied. “Just make sure we don’t die, please. Caledonia would be very upset if I got Glitter killed.”
“I would be very upset if I got me unalived,” Glitter added. “Being unalived would be the worst thing.”
“Unalived?” Blackjack asked, skewing an ear back as she looked up at Glitter Bomb. “I don’t think I know that one.”
“Callie says that killing is kinda bad, and that sometimes foals hear older ponies talking. And being killed is so sad and final because ponies die when they are killed. So we just say that they were unalived. She says it sounds better.”
Blackjack just looked at her, her smile fading, that hot anger hissing from cracks forming in her shell. “Dead is dead, no matter how you say it,” she replied. Glitter balked, as if Blackjack had just struck her. The white mare then lowered her gaze. “Sorry.”
“I... just... it’s what Callie said,” she finished weakly. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure I followed Glitter’s logic there, but if it made her feel better, I wasn’t going to question it. There were many things about Glitter that I opted to just not question. Like why she’d decided that me of all ponies was fit to be her best friend.
“Yeah,” Blackjack said with a small, mirthless smile. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Alright, well, then let’s get going. Though, Watcher?” I asked, looking up at Spike. “Could you possibly turn off the turrets so we don’t get vapourised on the way down? Now that Glitter can fly without worrying about, um…”
“Carpet bombing the mountainside with horseapples?” Blackjack asked.
Oh this was going to be a long trip…
Quest Perk: Following in the Hoofprints of Giants - It's hard to live up to the ideals of the great ponies of history, but somehow you're managing to do it. +1 to any SPECIAL stat of your choice. (+1 Charisma for Threnody)
“I want somepony with a sharp intellect and a heart from hell. Somepony with eyes like starfire and a mouth with a kiss like a bottomless well. But mostly I just want somepony who will love me when I do not know how to love myself.” Pre-war poet Sweet Words
“So… what are we going to do about dinner?” Glitter asked as we made our way to the base of the mountain. Watcher was kind enough to turn off the turreted defenses so we didn’t get turned to small piles of glowing embers.
“Don’t know,” Blackjack grunted from Glitter’s back. “Don’t care. Not opening my eyes till we land,” she stated firmly.
“Touchdown! The Glitter has landed!” Glitter Bomb declared boldly. Blackjack cracked open an eye and instantly hopped to the earth. Spike’s mountain was to the east of us. To the west was… lots of wasteland. Pretty much all around was a great unknown. “So, what are we eating?”
“I told you, I don’t know.” Blackjack looked at me as I landed next to my friend. “I’m pretty sure I brought some supplies with me,” she said, rooting around in her saddlebag. “I’ve got plenty of bullets!”
I laid my ears back and gave Blackjack a flat look. “Blackjack, three cans of Cram, a box of snack cakes, and seven Sparkle Colas does not count as ‘supplies.’ Not to mention that Glitter ate all the cram.”
My purple friend grimaced at the mention of the name. “Eww, no more mystery hay, please! It tastes yummy, but my tummy gets tumbly thinking about it.”
“All the more reason to stop and scavenge, then,” I suggested, looking out over the ruined plains as we trotted along. “What about over there?” I asked, pointing out an old Pony Joe’s diner a kilometer or so distant.
Blackjack raised a hoof to shield her eyes from the setting sun. Then she looked back at me. “Well. Lead on,” she said with a smile, sweeping a hoof over towards the Pony Joe’s.
I blinked. “You’re... not going to argue with me?”
“Why? Is it a bad idea?”
I honestly wasn’t sure, if she was agreeing with me. “Well... it might be dangerous.”
“It might.”
“And you’re not going to stop me? Or try to talk me out of it? Or... teleport ahead and take them all out to make it safe for me?” I narrowed an eye, jabbing a wing at her. “You’re going to, aren’t you?”
She stared at me and then walked up and put her hooves on my shoulder. “Threnody. Your choice. We scavenge there. We scavenge somewhere else. Your call. I got your back.”
I stared back at her, my heart pounding in my chest. Wait. My choice? When… since when did I have to make all the decisions. Well, probably since you decided that it was a good idea to go on this trip, dummy. My inner voice was so helpful.
I swallowed. “Well, that looks like the most logical choice. So, I mean, how bad can a Pony Joe’s be?” I asked, hoping Blackjack wouldn’t give me an answer.
“Ghouls. Raiders. Monsters. Mines. Heartbreaking scenes of mass death and destruction. Sharp edges on tin cans. That’s just the standard stuff,” she said she walked next to me. A casual air surrounded her as she talked, but I could feel the edge of alertness as her red eyes scanned the old, weed-choked track we travelled down. Large, gnarled oak trees with sickly yellow-green leaves arched overhead.
“Oh, you really gotta watch those tin cans. It’s a good way to get an… an... oh what is the word? An abacus in your hoof?” Glitter asked, then shrugged. “The thingy where your hoof gets hot and feels like it’s on fire for a few days then you gotta cut out the grossness. Anyways, I remember going scavenging when I was with Caledonia and Dry Clean Only. It was always fun! It should be fun, right Blackjack?” Glitter asked, turning to look down at Blackjack.
“Sure, scavenging is fun!” Blackjack quipped.
“Scavenging is not fun!” I blurted, repeating the line beaten into my head by the ponies in Friendship and Junction City. “Any time we are out here, it could be the last time we go somewhere! You could die at any minute of any day while out in the wastes.”
I was about to continue when Glitter cut me off. “Threnody, I know that.” She said, frowning at me. “I lost friends when I first got forgotted by Unity. When I found out I was good with things that go boom, I killed five ponies. Don’t treat me like a filly!”
I was taken aback, as was Blackjack. I’d never felt anger and regret from Glitter before. Usually she was a happy ball of sunshine. “Glitter, I-”
“You didn’t ask, Threnody! Nopony does really. I feel bad about it now. I didn’t mean to drop the grenade right onto their pile of ammo! But, knowing it was an accident, and that they meant to hurted the townsponies who were nice to us made me feel less bad about it,” She looked back at Blackjack. “But don’t think I don’t think. I know it could be bad. But I am kinda hungry, and Threnody already doesn’t eat enough.” My eyes widened in surprise at her observation, and instantly I felt horrifically guilty for underestimating the awareness of my best friend.
Blackjack, for her part, watched the whole exchange with a somewhat amused smile. “Well, shall we get to it?” she asked, gesturing at the ruined shop that was parked at a crossroads. A half-dozen rusting wagons lay in rest in the parking lot. A yellowed sign read ‘Baker’s dozen with every order.’ Somepony had boarded over most of the windows, so it was impossible to tell what was inside.
I nodded, and drew the small disintegration pistol from the holster on my left foreleg. “Might as well get this over with,” I said, my words garbled somewhat by the bit in my mouth.
Glitter cast a shield around herself and trotted forward. She seemed to be focussed on the ground as we made our way toward the rusted front door to the donut shop. I tried to see what she was looking for, but ended up nearly walking into Blackjack, who gave me a look that in one moment said ‘if you shoot me in the ass, so help me…’
“No trippies!” Glitter said, and lightly nudged the door open. “You see anything, Blackjack?”
“No bodies. No artfully arranged heads on spikes. No barbed wire wrapped creatively around the genitals of captive ponies. So no raiders,” she said quietly, then yelled. “Hello?!” Into the diner. Something crashed in the back and she grinned. “Well, something’s in there!” Then she looked at me. “What’s your call?”
I felt my body going to red alert as soon as I heard the crash. Luna dammit. I was hoping to just get some supplies! I holstered my pistol so I could talk. I really, really wished I was a unicorn for about a half second.
“Glitter, do you see any trippies inside?” I asked, trying to look to see if I could see anything.
Glitter shook her head. “No trippies. Should be okay.”
I looked at Blackjack. “Can you be the first one in?” I asked. “If it’s somepony, please don’t shoot first and say hello and I’m sorry later!”
She pursed her lips and levitated the pump action shotgun. “Hello!” she yelled into the diner. “I’m sorry!” she said as she stepped inside. “We’re not here to kill anyone. We’re just after stuff.” She paused and glanced back at me. “Was it just me or was that just a little raiderish?”
I frowned and shook my head. “Yes! That was raider-ish!” I said, stepping forward into the donut shop proper. “If you’re-”
Click.
I froze as the floor shifted just slightly under my hoof. My eyes went wide as I looked at Blackjack, just before the world exploded and… I got covered in pink, sticky bubblegum. Well, when I say I, I meant Blackjack and I, who had the misfortune of being right next to me. Blackjack just turned to look at me, the left half of her face covered in a mask of mottled pink.
“I saw that going differently in my head…” I admitted as I looked at her gum spattered mane.
“Me too,” she admitted. “Keep a look out. The next one might not be sticky.” She said as she stepped further into the decrepit shop. The booths were arranged on three sides, half the tables collapsed or missing. The counter separated the front of the store from the back. A faded, cardboard cutout of a yellowish-brown stallion had the caption, ‘Try our special, donutopia! Just 49 bits!’ as he gestured to an impossibly large mound of stacked donuts.
I went to take a step forward, and realized I could no longer lift my hooves off the floor. “Uh… I… I think I’m stuck.” I said, drawing Blackjack’s attention back to me as Glitter tried to lift me off the floor with her magic.
“Mhmmm,” she said as she walked slowly forward, shotgun levitated, every other step making a wet, sticky ‘schlup’ noise on the filthy checkerboard linoleum. “If you’re listening, that was a cool trap but a terrible waste of gum.”
“I chew a lot of gum,” A soft tenor voice drawled back. “Though, if you don’t mind, I’d prefer you’d just as soon leave my house.” The stallion’s voice said, and I froze as I spotted the barrel of a grenade rifle poke over the counter. “I don’t want to hurt anypony, but this round isn’t made of gum, if you catch my meaning.”
Blackjack glanced at the rifle, then at me, and just looked at me, arching a brow, as if I knew what to do when glued to the floor with a grenade rifle pointed at me and my friends!
“We were just looking for supplies!” I said quickly, hoping I could fast talk my way out of this. “When we heard the crash, we thought you might be a critter, and I’d love to leave, but your gum kinda has me stuck.” Glitter pulled on me again, raising my head above the countertop with her magic for a split second before the gum snapped me back down and got me stuck fast to the ground again, jarring my legs and hooves. “Oww, Glitter!”
The voice started laughing as he heard me hit the ground. “Either you lot are the most incompetent raiders ever, or you’re telling the truth. If your unicorn friend lowers her shotgun, I’ll put Thump Thump away,” He offered, pulling the barrel of the grenade rifle back slightly.
I turned to Blackjack, and nodded to her. “I… think we’ll be okay.”
She cocked her head, and disappeared in a flash of white, appearing behind the counter with the shotgun pointed at his head. Her eyes scanned around the kitchen for a moment, then she relaxed. “Looks like it’s just him.” And with that she teleported back beside me, her shotgun raised. “Not totally incompetent,” she commented lightly with a smile.
The stallion let out a long sigh, then stood up, towering over the counter! He had a long, luxurious pink mane, and his coat was a bright periwinkle, though he looked at Blackjack with some wonderment as he stood. The stallion was nearly as tall as Glitter was! And… actually really cute, too.
Glitter gasped. “Oh my goodness! You are so pretty!” She squeaked, and in my head I could see little red hearts floating over my head toward him.
He blushed nearly as pink as his mane. “I… Uh… thanks?” he said, looking slightly bemused, then he shook himself. “I mean, it’s always nice to get a compliment from a pretty mare~” He replied, trying to sound smooth. I could feel it was working on Glitter, though I was less than impressed.
“Um, now that that’s handled and we’ve proved that our unicorn is scary when she can teleport to goddess knows where, do you have something to help me get unstuck?” I asked, wishing I had a pin to pop the hearts floating above my head.
“Rude,” Blackjack said with a smile. “I’m Fish. This is Threnody and Glitter.” She said, gesturing to me and my friend in turn. “What’s your name?” she asked with a wide smile, enjoying this immensely! Oh no, not her too!
The stallion inclined his head. “Bubblegum. Or, uh, Bubbles. To ponies who know me well,” He said, though I could feel his suave resolve beginning to falter slightly at having two mares give him attention at once. “Welcome to my humble home, and uh, oh! Sorry about the front door. Most ponies knock, and well, when Fish called out, it startled me and I er… tripped. In a buff manner. Over some cans.” I smirked as his composure wavered.
“I want to call you Bubbles,” Glitter Bomb said in a daze.
Blackjack just laughed and shook her head. “Okay. So now that we know who everyone is, do you have a trick for getting gum out of our coats? Otherwise I’ll need to use plan B, and Thren wouldn’t look good shaved.”
I snorted at Blackjack. She… she wouldn’t shave me! Wait… no, she totally would! I was so doomed…
Bubblegum perked up. “Oh! Yeah, let me get the solvent!” He said, trotting back into the back of the shop. “The thing that makes my sticky bombs sticky isn’t really the gum, but the wonderglue I mix with it,” he explained.
Blackjack snorted. “So what is the gum for? Cause I’ve wonderglued the ass of a pony to the ground before. It does make for a good motivator to stay put and stop fighting. Even if your method isn’t as… humiliating as having your butt suddenly stuck fast to concrete.”
“Ah, but see, humiliation is what the gum is for. Imagine how ridiculous you’d look, even if you were a raider, if you came back and had this mass of gum stuck to your face. Good way to lose any and all cred out here in the wastes,” Bubblegum replied, returning from the back of the shop with a can of turpentine. “Here, this should do the trick to break it down. Just… close your eyes and uh, well, I can see if I can kick the water talisman in the back the right way to make it work so you can wash the turpentine out of your manes,” he said, an apologetic look on his muzzle.
“Just get me off of your floor, please,” I said, trying to not be too grumpy at him. I mean, it could have been worse. He could have used real grenades.
Glitter took the can of turpentine and unceremoniously dumped it on my head.
“Glitter!” I shouted, quickly closing my eyes as the foul smelling liquid flowed over my head and back. Great, now I couldn’t see. But I was almost positive, based on that irritating saccharine wash of infatuation that I was getting from Glitter and Blackjack’s uproarious laughter that she clearly had just taken the can and continued staring at Bubblegum. I tested my hooves, and happily found that I could pull free of the floor.
“Fine, Blackjack? Help me find the shower. And rub your face on me to get the gum out of your mane,” I grumbled, holding out a hoof for her to lead me.
“Shower?” Blackjack snorted, and then broke into laughter. “I’m pretty sure this place doesn’t have running water, and if it does, you get to soak up some rads with it. I doubt you’d like them as much as Glitter.”
“I did say that the water talisman kinda worked…” Bubblegum started. “But I also have rad-away for the rads you’d soak up using it.”
“Bah, told you a shower wouldn’t work! Fortunately, I have a solution!” Blackjack said with a snicker. Based on the rolling wave of barely hidden giggles, I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like the solution. Suddenly I felt myself soaked head to hoof in something sticky, tepid, vaguely fizzy, and only slightly less caustic than turpentine. Reeking of carrots, I cracked an eye and looked at two empty soda bottles hovering over me.
“Okay… well… that… Fish, I’m only slightly less sticky than when I started!” I protested. Bubblegum cracked up laughing at the pair of us. “This was not a good plan!”
“At least you smell nice, Threnody,” Glitter said, trotting over to pat my head. “Sorry I dropped the whole thing on you. I was uh…”
“Ogling the eye candy?” I asked tartly, causing both Glitter and Bubblegum to blush.
Blackjack’s horn glowed and I stared as the magic just slid the pink goo off her, wadding it into a big ball. “That... that’s cheating!” I snapped.
“That’s learning,” Blackjack replied as she tossed it to the side, letting the glob stick to the wall. “Pretty sure you’re going to watch out next time.”
Bubblegum continued to snicker, then looked at the glob on the wall. “I kinda like that blob there. It almost matches my cutie mark!” He shook his head. “Anyways, you said you were looking for supplies?” He asked, looking the three of us over. “Uh… got anything to trade? I do have some food stored here if you’ve got caps.”
I glanced at Blackjack. That was something we didn’t have. “Um, we might be able to work out a trade?” I offered as I started to dig through my saddlebags, which weren’t very full to begin with.
I turned to look at Glitter as she began shaking her rump. Odd bits and baubles fell out of her lovely purple tail. Tin cans, a toy carriage, a plastic dinosaur that squeaked as it bounced off the floor. But no caps. “Oh! Mr. Chompers! I wondered where you went!” She said, picking up the dinosaur and putting it in her mane.
Bubblegum pursed his lips at the random things Glitter dropped from Luna knows where. “I… would like to help you out, but… I really need caps more than I need um… toys?”
Blackjack watched all of this with a warm smile, then asked, “What do you need caps for out here? You’re alone.”
The big stallion wilted slightly at the word ‘alone.’ Oh. That was a sore nerve that Blackjack had just struck. “I do sometimes do other things than live here, Fish,” He said quietly. “Usually I work as a mercenary, helping guard caravans that come through here. Or I make bubblegum and sell it in bulk to large towns.” He shrugged. “Caps talk.”
“What a coincidence. We’re on a journey and could use your company. I’m sure that we’ll be able to cover your cost once we get to Junction City... Or Manehattan... Or wherever. And I’m sure you’ll have plenty of opportunity to sell gum along the way with us,” Blackjack said easily as she smiled at him like he was a tall, periwinkle bottle of Wild Pegasus. Oddly though, the lust coming from her was far less thick than it had been with Slate.
Glitter trotted over to Bubblegum’s side, giving Blackjack the briefest ‘I saw him first!’ glance. “And, I mean, we’re three fillies out here all alone! We really could use some help getting to Junction City! Please?” She asked, giving him a childishly overblown pouty face that looked out of place rendered on her adult features.
Great. Now we were seducing stallions. Not that Blackjack was wrong. We likely could pay him once we got to Junction City and got caught up with the Heartmenders. But the muted lust from Blackjack and the certainly not muted lust from Glitter worried me.
I sighed. “I work for the Followers of the Apocalypse. And… we could use some supplies and, well, I guess an escort to Junction City. I can promise you pay once we get there, but we don’t have anything right this moment,” I said honestly, looking at Blackjack as I gave her a worried look.
Bubblegum looked and felt very anxious as Glitter stood next to him. His cheeks took on a slightly pink hue as she smiled at him, her eyes half lidded. “I… uh. I mean, I do know the Followers. But what’s to say that you’ll actually pay me when I get you there?” he asked, leaning away from the lovestruck alicorn.
“You’ll have to trust us,” Blackjack answered. “After all, if we were raiders, I could have just killed you and taken your stuff. Granted, I can’t say how safe the trip will be, but it can’t be much worse than staying here all alone.”
I physically winced as ‘alone’ yet again hit home with Bubblegum. His pink eyes took on a slightly hollow look as he made eye contact with me. I could tell that he was already thinking about it, but to me, it felt like we were exploiting him. Stabbing guilt and self-reproach began to well inside me.
“Bubblegum, you don’t have to come with us if you don’t want to,” I said, meeting his eyes honestly. “We’re kind of a bunch of misfits, and what we’re up to isn’t like…” I frowned, unsure of how to explain our journey to somepony. “We don’t know how safe it will be. But I do know that we need to get to Junction City. It’s… really important. But if you don’t want to come, you don’t have to.” Damn it, why was Blackjack so amused right now?
I turned and glared at her. “What? What is so funny?” I snapped, giving her my best effort at a glare. It apparently was funny because she started chuckling at me.
“Just reminding me of back when I was starting out. I told Glory the same thing. ‘You don’t have to if you don’t want to.’” and with that her amusement died, her smile hollowing into a mask of amusement. “Just thought it was funny,” she said in a faintly subdued voice.
To my surprise, it was Bubblegum that perked up at ‘Glory.’ “Glory?” he asked. “As in Morning Glory?”
She looked at him and answered in a harder voice. “It’s a common name.”
Bubblegum’s ears drooped at her tone. “I… I guess so. It’s just… I knew a really nice pegasus named Morning Glory when I was a little colt. She brought food once to the place where I was staying to give some of the wastelanders,” he shook his head. “Guess it was just a common name, then.”
“No, that definitely sounds like her,” Blackjack said as she turned away. “Giving away priceless food because ponies need it.” That pit of self hatred was widening, opening like an abscess in her mind.
I trotted over and put a slightly sticky hoof on her shoulder as Bubblegum spoke up. “Oh! Well, if you knew her, then you must be a wonderful pony! I remember when she gave me a skyapple. She sat with me and helped me brush my mane out and said I was very brave for…” He looked down at his hooves. “For making my way alone,” he admitted quietly. I watched as Glitter hesitantly patted his back with a wing.
“So, you want the job or not?” Blackjack asked bluntly.
Bubblegum nodded. “I want the job. I have some food. A few other weapons. We can get moving sooner if one of you unicorn fillies helps me get my barding on.” He said, his voice full of resolve. “Anything to help a friend of Miss Glory.” He slipped out from beneath Glitter’s wing, and headed toward the back of the shop. “Come on back. I’ve got a bunch of stuff back here. If you’ve got saddlebags, we can share the load!”
I took the opportunity to brush my muzzle against Blackjack’s shoulder. “Talking about Glory still hurts really bad,” I said softly. “You wanna talk?”
“Always,” she said in a low voice. “And no,” she added, walking into the back, and forcing a smile on her face. “Sure. I’m all for sharing loads and stuff.”
Glitter and I trotted into what had once been the kitchen area of the Pony Joe’s. Bubblegum had cleared the shelves of the old pots and pans, and had stacked up all sorts of things on them. Apple-shaped silver grenades. 40mm rifle grenades. Boxes that were labelled 25mm grenades. Boxes of instamash and Big Mac and Cheese. Bottles of water and Sparkle Cola. My eyes widened as I looked at a massive battle saddle that was equipped with a gun that was nearly as big as I was.
“Where did you get all this stuff?” I asked, awed by the amount of things this pony had stashed.
“I’ve been saving things for years. I… always was good with explosives,” Bubblegum explained as he tugged a set of leather barding off of a shelf. Glitter’s horn lit up as she helped him into it. “So… I make my own nonlethal sticky rounds. But I also know when to use ones that kill. There’s always times when you have to kill,” He said, his voice taking on that slightly haunted tone. “Go ahead and grab what you can. I can always restock before I head back here from Junction City.”
“Must be an earth pony thing,” Blackjack murmured under her breath. Underneath the surface though, I could feel that churning ball of self-hate and loathing sitting somewhere around Blackjack’s heart. But, she seemed to be trying to keep it bottled up for now. She looked over Bubblegum’s grenade rifle with a wistful expression before asking, “So you know the way then?”
Bubblegum nodded. “Yeah, head west from here, and uh… Keep going west?” He said looking sheepish, pulling on the battlesaddle. He kicked his 40mm grenade rifle with his back hoof, causing it to flip over his back to land neatly in the holster opposite the big gun. “Okay, honestly, I have no real idea. Most of the time, I just follow where the Caravans go.”
Glitter looked down at the big, cannon-like device. “Wow. That is such a big... gun. A really big gun. A really big... shiny... gun...” she muttered.
Blackjack chuckled again, but Bubblegum’s eyes turned to the hulking weapon. “Yeah, she’s a beauty. Shame she doesn’t work though.”
“She... I mean it... doesn’t?” I asked. Glitter swiped a snack cake off the shelf, unwrapped it and tossed the whole thing into her mouth in one gulp.
“Nah. It used to be mom’s, but... it got broke a while back,” he said with another wave of bittersweet memory as he looked to us. “Any of you know anything about fixing guns?”
Glitter shook her head, then looked suddenly sheepish as she was caught with a pilfered snack cake in her mouth. She swallowed, then started loading up boxes of food into her saddlebags. Her muzzle scrunched slightly as she got to a small stack of Cram. “I just am good with things like the glitter apples,” She explained, pointing at his small stack of grenades. “I get kinda lucky when I throw them.”
Bubblegum snickered. “Well, then why don’t you take those. I’ll stick with Thump Thump,” he said, patting his grenade rifle as he slipped on a pair of saddlebags and started pulling ammunition and food into his bags. I watched as his strong hooves moved the sets of 40mm grenades effortlessly. Watched as his toned, pert- Ack! No! Bad Threnody!
I quickly tried to find something else to do as I caught myself starting at the stallion’s cute butt. Argh! Now I was thinking about it! No! No thinking like Blackjack!
I grabbed a few bottles of Sparkle Cola and tried to find something else to look at. And think about. I made eye contact with Blackjack, hoping she hadn’t caught where my gaze had been lingering on Bubblegum. The slight smile I detected in her red eyes told me I’d been found out.
“Admiring the scenery?” She asked, a smirk on her muzzle.
I took in a deep breath and trotted out the door. “I’ll be outside when you all are ready!” I called over my shoulder as I flew out of the old rusty red door. I didn’t want to deal with that right now. Looking at colts was always a bad idea. Looking at fillies was a bad idea. Looking at ponies like that led you down the path to being like Blackjack!
I shuddered, and spread my wings. They cracked, strained, and pinched as the dried soda irritated my feathers and stuck them together. Great. Now I probably couldn’t fly until I preened them. Argh! Why was nothing ever easy!? I allowed myself a moment of self-pity, then shook my head. This was how things were when you weren’t pampered at home. I’d survive it. Somehow.
“Wait, you’re how old?!” Glitter squeaked as she and Bubblegum talked around the fire we’d lit at our small campsite. We’d made camp at a little spring an hour or two south of the donut shop. Glitter had said the water didn’t make her feel all tingly, so we assumed it was safe enough to drink and wash all the sticky off me. Glitter and the earth pony stallion were sitting on the opposite side of the flames from Blackjack and I, learning about each other with oddly depressing interest.
Bubblegum blushed. “I’m fifteen. I’m just tall. Kinda.” He said sheepishly, before digging into a pot of baked beans he’d been heating over the fire.
“That means you’re like, only two years older than me!” Glitter replied, giggling happily as she nibbled on an ear of roasted corn.
“Wait, only two years older than you? I thought alicorns lived a long time!” Bubblegum exclaimed, looking thoroughly confused.
“Oh, they do. I just didn’t become an alicorn when I was old like Fishie. I was a little filly. Or so Callie thinks. She says I sorta am a little like a young mare!” She said brightly. “I asked what my birthday was, so she told me a day and guessed an age when we became not Unity-ed and nine years later now I’m thirteen! And you’re just a year older than Threnody!”
I listened thoughtfully as my friend talked. Blackjack piped up, “I guess I didn’t realise that you would have joined Unity as a young filly, Glitter. It does kinda make sense though why you and I always got along better than all the other alicorns!”
Glitter nodded sagely. “Well, yeah, duh! The other alicorns were all old. Or weird. Like Pickled Pallet. She always says she used to be a he, and always whines about ‘where’s my penis, I miss my penis!’ Weird.” She said, shaking her head.
Bubblegum shifted his hind legs closer together. “Well, I mean… you take away a colt’s pride, and he gets a bit upset,” he said quietly.
“Why? Is it magic? Does your penis do special things?” Glitter gasped. “Does it heal things like Threnody does?”
“Only if he’s a batpony,” Blackjack deadpanned.
I snorted at her response, and shook my head. “I think what Bubblegum is trying to say is that he’d be uncomfortable too if he suddenly woke up in the body of a mare,” I said, trying to draw Glitter’s attention away from the poor colt for just a moment. “Though I do think that stallions are lucky in that they don’t have to deal with things like periods or seasons, depending on where you grew up.”
Blackjack looked at me, a queer expression on her face. “What in the hell is a ‘period’?”
I sighed. “Well, because you grew up in a stable, your biology didn’t adapt to the wasteland. Two hundred years of struggling to rebuild the population, and some mares' biologies shifted from a yearly cycle to a monthly cycle. It’s… rather annoying, or so I hear. But it also means that a mare can get pregnant pretty much any time rather than only a select month out of the year.” I explained, getting a disturbed look, a blank look, and a curious look. “There’s... bleeding involved... you know... from your filly bits... every month? Or so I’m told.” Okay, make that three disturbed faces.
“That sounds pretty terrifying, and I’ve seen screaming rooms,” she answered. “Just shove a piece of copper up there and call it good.”
I shrugged. “I mean, Sandalwood has bitched about it before. I know that mares who are from like, the Stables around the Hoof would talk about if they didn’t get pregnant after their season, they’d bleed a bit. But… I don’t know. I just know what the mares taught me in Junction City. I’ve never had one myself. And that apparently freaked out Sandalwood for some reason.”
“Um... why are you talking about this?” Bubblegum asked with a strained smile of failing feigned coolness. “Is there a reason we’re talking about this?”
I snorted, then took a bite of mac and cheese. “Uh… mostly to get off the topic of sex. Cause knowing my luck Bl- Fish will want to play like, Truth or Dare or something horrifyingly sexual that she used to play in 99 and then I’ll feel weird.” I looked around, realizing that I’d managed to gross out my friends. “Do we have ketchup?” I asked with a wicked grin.
“Can we not talk about red things for a little while?” Glitter asked, looking positively green.
“So where are you from, exactly?” Blackjack asked coolly as she gave that sure smile to the young stallion.
Bubblegum shook himself before answering. “I grew up on the road. Mom and Dad were traders, and they tended to trade from Manehattan to the edge of the Hoof. I couldn’t even tell you where I was born.” He explained with a shrug. “So… the wasteland? That’s where I’m from. How about ya’ll?”
“Junction City. Well, recently Elysium but mostly Junction City,” I replied as quickly as I could.
“Unity, till I was deunity-ed. So Maripony?” Glitter offered.
“Nowhere important,” Blackjack answered, her eyes lingering on his defunct grenade launcher. “That’s some firepower for a trader. More like a Steel Ranger weapon.”
Bubblegum looked down at the grenade machinegun. “I… don’t really know where mom got it. I know they weren’t Rangers. At least, I don’t think they were. My dad told me he took over the caravan when his pa was killed. Mom…” he trailed off. “I honestly don’t know. Mom never really said. Just said that she loved Dad and that was that.”
I shivered, and moved closer to both Blackjack and the fire as the cool feelings of sadness, loss, and regret rolled off of Bubblegum. I really wished that Blackjack would stop poking at the poor colt’s obvious heart wound! “Fishie, could you stop like… trying to pick at pony’s emotional scabs?” I asked, frowning at her. “It’s like you want to hang out with the most angsty ponies in the wasteland!”
“I have that effect on people,” she answered with that infuriating little smile.
Bubblegum shot me a look. “I’m not angsty. Just the wasteland ain’t kind sometimes, you know? There’s a reason why I was an orphan when I met Miss Glory. The raiders around the Hoof were a whole new breed of crazy. They weren’t just bandits. They were… I don’t even know.” he said, anger and hate flaring into a small emotional typhoon. “They were sick, sick ponies. The only time I ever saw Mom use this,” He explained, patting the gun. “Was the day she died. The day they both died. It… hasn’t worked since then.”
Glitter Bomb let her ears droop, and lightly lay a big purple wing over Bubblegum’s back. “I’m sorry the scary dumb ponies killed your parents, Bubbles.”
Bubblegum shrugged. “Hey, shit happens, right Bl-” He paused. “Er, Fish.”
My eyes widened at the name Bubblegum had started to say. I looked over at Blackjack. The hell? “What… did you just say?” I asked slowly.
“Fish?” He asked innocently, taking another bite of beans and chewing very, very slowly. Almost like he didn’t want to be asked more questions.
Shit. He was a spy! He was sent to spy on us! Watcher lied!
Conspiracy theories tumbled through my brain as I very quietly panicked. Blackjack, however, reacted neither physically nor emotionally. Had she not noticed, or did she really not care? “Yeah. I’d say shit happens,” she answered calmly as she gazed at him. “Have we met?”
Bubblegum shook his head. “We haven’t. Not… that I know of. I used to run around with the Crusaders before the battle of the Hoof. You just… remind me of a mare that-”
“Died?” Blackjack suggested, her tone even and cool.
Bubblegum looked down at his pot of beans, his muzzle scrunched up. “I… well… everypony said she died. But she’d done that a lot. And she had like, a boat fall on her. Twice, according to Adagio. So I thought maybe-”
“You probably recall she had a cutie mark of playing cards,” Blackjack said before gesturing to her own bare flank. “I don’t,”
He frowned slightly. “But… didn’t she get put in a weird body?” He asked. My eyes narrowed at his line of questioning. I wasn’t sure I liked just how bright this colt appeared to be.
“I like how he doesn’t ask why a mare your age doesn’t have a cutie mark, Fishie.” Glitter snickered.
“I wonder why he’s not staring at my butt. I must be getting old. Or do I look like a mare in my late twenties?”
Bubblegum blushed. “I have been looking at your flank! All of your flanks!” He blurted, then covered his mouth with a hoof. “I mean, er. You look like you’re maybe a few years older than me,” he admitted, obviously trying to regain some composure. His face fell. “Which… I guess.” He shook his head. “Sorry I nearly called you Blackjack, Miss Fish.”
“It’s fine. I get it a lot,” she answered. “Even these two call me Blackjack sometimes. But I’m not her.”
Blackjack’s words sat like a 20 kilo weight in my stomach. I didn’t like lying to Bubblegum. He seemed like a nice, honest colt, and he didn’t deserve to be lied to. Even if the truth…
I looked up to find Blackjack’s red eyes boring into mine. I could almost hear ‘it’s your call’ in her voice in my head, and I knew I had to keep telling the lie. If ponies knew that Blackjack was alive, it would make things even more complicated for us. Even more dangerous for us as we travelled to Junction City. I let my green eyes cool as I stayed silent.
“I call her that because of her mane,” Glitter said helpfully. Her bright innocence appeared to seal the deal for Bubblegum, and he didn’t bring it up the rest of the night.
Blackjack and I volunteered for first watch, so when I was certain that Glitter and Bubbles were asleep, I finally spoke.
“I don’t like lying. You’ve made me tell the truth too much, Blackjack.”
“So don’t lie,” she answered, her eyes locked on the dying fire. “Tell him the truth. He won’t mind either way.”
I sighed softly. “But… the truth is dangerous. I can’t justify in my own head putting him at more risk than he already is by travelling with us by telling him the truth.”
“Then lie,” she stated quietly. “Oh, wait, you don’t like that. Sounds like you’re doomed to misery, either way.”
“I’m not doomed to misery. I’m… conflicted. You told me I should speak up and tell the truth in Junction City. I… I’ve kind of accepted I have to do that. I still don’t know how I will, but I know I have to. I just don’t want to bring a world of hurt down on somepony that’s already had some hard times. That feels extremely cruel.”
“The pony who hurt you. Is she hurting another filly right now? Doing to them what was done to you?” Blackjack asked, her eyes still on the embers.
“I don’t know that, Blackjack. You know I don’t know that. But because I don’t know that, I want to make sure that she never gets the opportunity to hurt another filly again.” I said resolutely.
“So are you going to kill her?”
I recoiled like she’d slapped me. How could she ask such a thing? I didn’t want to kill her! I wanted to make sure she stopped hurting ponies! “Of course not! Why would you ask that?”
“As Rampage would say, it’s always an option, and it’s generally pretty reliable. Mostly. Depends on how much weirdness is in her life.” She said with a tiny smile. “So are you going to try and sic the Followers on her? Let them kill her for you?”
“The Followers don’t kill except in cases of self defense,” I retorted. “So telling the Followers wouldn’t do me any good,” That lead weight sat in my stomach again. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Blackjack. I just don’t want to see her hurting anypony else. If that means making her publicly own up to her deeds to face trial within the NCR? I… I don’t know how they’d react,” I lied, knowing the answer to that question. What little I knew of the NCR’s justice was that rapists and foal molesters tended to be hanged. Which only made me feel more sick. By telling the truth, I was effectively ending somepony’s life.
Blackjack didn’t say anything for almost a minute as I pondered this. “Well, you have some time to make up your mind. One way or another.” Why was she smiling? This wasn’t a conversation for smiling!
I felt utterly sick, and curled up into a ball beside her. “I don’t even know if I’m worth the trouble I’m going through to try to speak about it.”
She gave a little grunt. “If we hadn’t left, what would we be doing right now? Me getting drunk. Screwing Slate. You being grouchy. No matter what you do, you do something. Me... I’m just glad to be moving again.”
I lay my cheek on my hoof and looked up at her. “Well, you’re worth getting moving again.” I said quietly. “And I do mean that personally, not just cause I’m a Heartmender.”
“So... what’s next?” she asked. “Where do we go tomorrow?”
I frowned. If I had my pipbuck, I could have told her. “Well, I figure we keep heading west. Bubbles may not know the way to Junction City, but… maybe if we find our way to Manehattan, then we’ll have an easier time getting down to where we need to be?” I asked, getting up onto my haunches, only to flop over and rest my head on her shoulder.
“Are you in a hurry to get there?” Blackjack asked without looking at me. I shook my head once. “Then maybe we should go south. Or go north and follow the coast. We don’t have to go straight there. That is, unless you’re in a hurry.”
I wasn’t in a hurry. I definitely didn’t need to hurry to get there. In fact, right now, I was right where I wanted to be. With my best friend. With a new friend. With Blackjack. I nuzzled into her shoulder, taking in her soft, sweet scent. “I’m… okay with not hurrying,” I said softly as I smiled up at her. “Hey Blackjack?”
“Hmm?” she finally looked down at me with that small smile.
When she moved to look down at me, it brought her muzzle just a bit closer to mine. I felt my heart start to race, but it was a good racing. Not panic. Just… beating faster because she was close. My emerald eyes locked with hers as I felt myself being drawn closer to her lips. “C-can you?” I asked, moving closer to her muzzle. A part of my brain started scolding me about clients, ethics, and kissing fillies, but I ignored it. “I mean, um… is it okay?”
“You tell me,” she asked, keeping her voice down.
“It’s okay,” I whispered back. Blackjack was safe. She may not be stable. She may not be perfect. But she was safe. And I liked the idea of safe. Safe felt good. And smelled good. So I inched my muzzle a little closer to hers.
“Ask me tomorrow,” she said then rose to her hooves. “Get some sleep. I’ll keep watch,” she said as she stared out at the night with a tiny smile.
I opened my mouth, then closed it again. Had… had I done something wrong? What did I do wrong? I lay down and curled up, my own emotions a whirling swirl of confusion, frustration, love, curiosity, lust, sadness, and dejection. What did I do wrong?
I awoke the next morning halfway between panic and frustration. I’d spent the entire night dreaming about getting close to kissing Blackjack, only for her to slap me in the face and run away. I was cold, I still felt sticky from her stupid soda bath, and as I opened my eyes, my irritation grew.
Glitter was still curled up, her nose beneath her wing, the feathers lightly fluttering as she dozed. Blackjack and Bubblegum were nowhere to be seen, but for all I knew, she’d wandered off to do with him what she wouldn’t do with–.
I stood and made my way over to the stream. I dunked my face in the cool water, and felt my heart rate lower accordingly as my mammalian dive response kicked in.
What the hell was I thinking, trying to kiss Blackjack? I didn’t love her! I just thought I did because she was being nice to me! Great, now my brain was getting infected by her stupid, and here I was letting it! What the hell!
I came up for air, and punched the water with a forehoof. I was so angry. I didn’t want her to kiss me. I didn’t want to do anything with Blackjack! But my stupid, idiotic brain had decided to utterly betray me. Thank Luna Blackjack had told me to wait! What a horrible disaster that could have been! I could see it in my mind’s eye, me and Blackjack, our bodies together and-
I promptly threw up. I managed to have the forethought to aim for the shore and not contaminate the water supply, but moment after long moments of dry heaving and emptying my stomach made me feel yet more horrible. Tears ran down my face as my stomach calmed itself.
What the fuck was I thinking? I thought at I stared at the horrible mess I’d made. If you’d kissed her, you’d’ve had a panic attack. If you said you loved her, it would have been a lie. You can’t trust yourself. You’ll always screw it up. Good job, idiot.
“Did your mac and cheese go bad?” Glitter’s soft soprano voice asked from above me.
I shook my head. “No, just… didn’t feel well, Glitter,” I said evasively as I looked up at her. She looked back down at me with an expression that said ‘I don’t believe you.’ “Just… had a bad dream,” I admitted, splashing some water on my muzzle as I tried to clean myself up. I was a hot mess, I realised upon looking at my reflection in the water. My eyes were sunken, my waist seemed a bit too slim for even the wasteland, and I could probably count every rib if I tried.
“You need to eat more,” Glitter said, using her magic to scoop up some water and hold it at my head height. I gave her a grateful smile and used the offered water to wash my face and wings. “I could play your ribbits like they’re a xylophone.”
“I know, Glitter. I’ve been trying to remind myself to do that,” I replied, rubbing down the still-sticky feathers. “What is Bubblegum making for breakfast?” I asked, trying to change the subject off of me and onto food.
Glitter smiled. “Oh, he’s gonna make omelettes!” She exclaimed, fluttering her wings wide. “He says he knows how to make them with some yummy eggs he found. Or something like that. They sound fun!”
Omelettes did sound kinda good. “Well, hopefully they live up to your hopes, Glitter,” I said, looking up at her as I started to preen my wing. Ugh, it still tasted like carrots, or rather what passed for carrots in the mind of whichever Goddesses-damned moron it was that came up with Sparkle~Cola in the first place. I loathe that taste.
“Oh! I bet it will! Bubblegum is the nicest sweetest ever.” Glitter said with a sigh. She swooned and put her left forehoof to her forehead dramatically. “I never thought I’d ever find a stallion so nice and cute and sweet and tall! Mercy!”
Despite my present mood, I chuckled softly. “Have you named the foals yet?” I teased, going back to preening my wing.
“Oh silly, we haven’t known each other long enough for that! I have to let him take me to court, and then we get bathrobes and then Dry Clean Only can make me a pretty dress and Callie will probably cry when we get married. Then we can think about naming the foals!”
I shook my head as my brain parsed out that Glitter had meant ‘being courted and betrothed’. “So only then, huh?” I asked, fanning out my wing to try to dry the now unsticky primary feathers.
Glitter nodded sagely, then smiled dreamily. “He is very nice. And it was nice to get to know him last night. Even if we don’t know a lot about him, he seems like a really cool stallion. Hey! Maybe we all should share our stories while we walk! That might be a good way for us all to be friends!”
I froze mid preening of my right wing. I really, really didn’t want to share my story. Then again… “Hey Glitter? How about we have you and Bubblegum start? That way we don’t overwhelm Fish.”
“Oh, yeah! That way Fishie doesn’t feel all anxious and stuff. Good plan, Threnody!” She said, fluttering up the embankment. “Bubbles looks like he’s startin’ the oubliettes, so I’ll save some for you!”
I smiled as I watched her go, and finished preening my feathers. I felt like I was going to never get that rancid carrot taste out of my mouth. Now real carrots, those were great! Loved them! Crunchy and orange and just a little sweet. Sparkle~Colas on the other hoof… ugh. The carrot was too sweet, too artificial, and honestly, their rare cherry was just a superior flavour.
With my preening completed, my wings felt much better than they had the night before. I flutter-hopped up the embankment, and saw that Blackjack was back. She watched as Glitter Bomb chatted happily with Bubblegum as the stallion cooked up a rather sizeable omelette with his cast iron skillet that Glitter kindly held over the fire in her magic. Her eyes slid immediately to me, her expression steady as she just gazed at me with that small smile, not saying a word. I froze, trying to figure out how to work through the awkwardness of last night. Would Blackjack ask me about it in front of the other two? Oh Luna...
Then she gestured to the skillet. “Apparently the wildlife gets a little big in this part of the wasteland. We found a nest bigger than me. All of that is from one egg,” she said with a nod to the pan. That was it? Was she just going to hold it over me? Worst morning ever!
I shook myself, and trotted over to sit down next to Glitter. “One egg? Oh goodness. I hope the momma doesn’t come after us,” I sniffed toward the skillet, and my stomach growled. Well, I was feeling a little hungry this morning. As long as Blackjack didn’t friggin ruin the mood by saying anything. “So… where to now? After breakfast, I mean,” I said, looking at the three ponies I was starting to consider my friends.
Glitter just shrugged at me. Bubblegum gave me a look that said ‘I’m following you, boss, you tell me.’ Fuck, that meant I had to look at her. I slowly slid my eyes over to look at Blackjack, who still wore that goddess damned smile. Worse, my own emotions were such a mess that I couldn’t get a read off her!
Blackjack kept the stare for a moment, then pointed to the north. “That way.” That way? There was nothing that way but mountains and woods.
I cocked an ear to the side. “North? But… that’d lead us through the Cascadia Mountains, and by Mount Hoof,” I paused thoughtfully. Well, it did lead us away from Junction City, and I didn’t know where we’d end up once we got there. Past Mt. Hoof, my knowledge of geography got… fuzzy. There was something about a big river, and that Mt. Hoof was a volcano a long time ago, but… that was it. I knew that there were a few port cities around that area, but what they were like, I didn’t know. The Followers hadn’t made it that far. All I knew was that there was a thirteenth heartmender somewhere out there, but Luna only knew where she was.
“Are you sure you want us to go north?” I asked, swivelling my ears as I processed everything. Dammit, I really wish I could read her better than I was. It’d make it... easier.
“That’s the way the bottle pointed,” Blackjack said, as if the statement made perfect sense.
“Bottle?”
Bubblegum flushed. “She spun a bottle to pick a direction,” he said, as if suddenly not quite sure he wanted to come with the rest of us. I couldn’t blame him. Who navigates by a spun bottle?
Glitter perked up. “Is that kinda like that game where you spin the bottle and then give the pony it lands on kisses?”
“Sorta,” Blackjack answered with that easy smile, “Fate is my navigator.”
“You respun it four times,” Bubblegum pointed out.
“Well there’s no point going east, is there? We came from the Hoof,” she said with a slight flush. “And why would fate want us to go straight down? What, am I supposed to go to the zebralands or something?”
“She dropped the bottle and it stuck point down in the ground,” Bubblegum explained, as if looking for confirmation that Blackjack was a lunatic.
“What’s important,” Blackjack stressed, “Is that we have a direction. Unless you want to give the bottle a spin?” she asked, lifting an empty Sparkle~Cola bottle.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! I totally want to spin the bottle!” Glitter blurted, grinning at Bubblegum, who suddenly seemed far more interested in counting the bubbles forming in the omelette as he cooked it than my friend. He was lucky that his mane and coat helped hide blushes so well.
I pinned my ears back as I looked at her. She was doing this. Seriously? I shook my head to try to clear out my own feelings of frustration. “What the hell. Why not? Like I said, Bubblegum, if you come along, we can get you paid along the way. It’s not like I planned this out any better in the first place,” I admitted, taking the bottle from Blackjack.
I set the bottle down on its side, and took a deep breath. Fuck it. I was already committed to a new life of stupid decisions, why shouldn’t I trust my fate with a game of spin the bottle? At least I knew I wasn’t getting kissed in the end. I flicked the bottle with a hoof. Bubblegum and Glitter watched, wide eyed as the bottle spun and spun and spun… and slowed... and stopped spinning pointing directly at...
Blackjack. I immediately gave the bottle an angry flick, my cheeks burning as the bottle swung a few inches past her and came to a stop pointing north-ish. It was hard to be certain without a pipbuck map.
I closed my eyes and let out a long breath through my nose. Of course. Cause I needed this today. “So… we go north, I guess. Of all the dumb things I’ve let you talk me into, Blackjack…” I trailed off, realizing how I’d addressed her. Crap.
“It’s okay,” she said, reaching around and putting a foreleg around Bubbles. “We had a long talk this morning. It’s okay if you call me Blackjack, since I look so much like her. Right, Bubblegum?” she asked the stallion who looked quite uncomfortable in the headlock. Or could it have been because of the death glare that Glitter was giving Blackjack? “Now hurry up and eat. I have absolutely no frigging idea what’s in that direction. Kinda interested in finding out.”
Under the watchful eye of both Glitter and Blackjack, I actually ate a sizeable portion of the breakfast Bubblegum had made. Glitter had skipped eating, having soaked up a bit of radiation testing out bodies of water to try to wash me in the other day, and I honestly wasn’t sure whether Blackjack needed to eat. Did her new body mean she needed food? Or was it more of a habit for her? She ate a few bites, far less than me, but then just sat back and watched us.
Then we broke camp and started in the direction that fate directed us.
As we ambled our way north, we talked. Initially I’d tried to excuse myself from the conversation by flying above everypony, ostensibly to make sure we didn’t get ambushed, but Blackjack saw through that ploy, dragged me back down to earth with her magic, and threatened to tie my wings up if I tried that again. The scary thing was, I believed she’d do it!
“Know what you call a lone pegasus flying over the trees?” Blackjack had asked seriously. “A really easy target. Keep down in the tree cover.” Fortunately, she didn’t talk much after that, her eyes scanning our surroundings as we walked... at ease, but also with a pit of tension inside her.
Fortunately, Glitter was much more interested in talking at Bubblegum, so we walked behind the pair in relative silence. The woods were shifting from dead oaks to mixed brush and brown-needled pines and firs. There were mountains up ahead. Spike’s was the very last in the chain, barely visible through the clouds. Still, this was the way fate wanted us to go, right?
“So... know why I didn’t kiss you last night?” Blackjack asked, her voice oddly low so the others didn’t hear as we walked.
I nearly stumbled and fell at the question. I glared at her, my green eyes flinted jade. “Because you knew I was being stupid, and mistaking the fact that you made me feel safe for something more?” I hissed. “Go ahead, tell me how childish and dumb I am!”
Glitter looked back at us. “Blackjack? What’d you call Thren?” she asked, brows furrowed.
“Nothing. Tell him more about Dry Clean. Those are funny stories,” Blackjack said brightly. When Glitter resumed talking at Bubblegum, she murmured, “You really need to learn how to keep your voice down when you’re angry.”
“I can do it when I’m angry,” I hissed back, still glaring at her. “Your question just… look. Let’s be real. I knew you were going to ask me at some point and I was dreading it, okay?”
“Do you know how I started my relationship with Glory?” she said, her sharp gaze growing softer and more distant. Inside, the unstable emotions started to churn and react. Oof, those were poignant feelings if I could actually feel them through my chaotic haze of emotions. I just shook my head, not trusting myself to speak right now. “We’d just saved my stable. All the tension was gone. We took a shower together, and then we had sex. Just like that, we were a couple.” Her smile disappeared. “It didn’t mean to me what it meant to her.”
I nodded slowly. It bothered me that we were talking about her issues right now, but I felt like I needed to listen. “To her, she wanted more than just the sex?” I asked softly, trying to suss out what the problem was at heart. “Or did you want more?”
“To her, I was the pony that smashed through bulletproof glass to destroy the Enclave as their officers were melting off her cutie mark. I was the pony trying to make Flank and Chapel safer. I was the one that could be a hero, like her dad. But I wasn’t that pony, and we were a couple before we had that talk. Before we both knew what we were getting into.” She took a deep breath. “It hurt her. Badly. More than she ever admitted. More than she deserved.”
I frowned, unsure of what to do. I wanted to put my wing over her. But she also made me feel stupid. That just wouldn’t do. “I’m no expert on relationships, never having been in one, but my impression is that sometimes we jump into things before we’re ready, and we get hurt. I… can see why you wanted me to wait last night. I’m… really grateful for it, actually,” I admitted, her honesty with her own emotions making me want to reciprocate for once.
“I was this close to saying yes,” she said with a smile, holding a hoof an inch from her horn. “But... you’re not like Slate or Sandalwood, or anyone else I’ve been with since we left. You’re more, and I don’t want to hurt you like I hurt Glory. Nopony deserves that. I don’t want you to fall in love with me, and then get broken.”
“And I don’t want to hurt you,” I sighed softly, looking down at the dusty trail we walked upon. “I threw up this morning thinking about being with you. N-not because I think you’re gross or anything! Just… it felt wrong. And I knew just how awful I would have felt had I… kissed you and I didn’t want you to feel used.”
“Used? Me?” she grinned and then laughed. “Go ahead and use me if you want. If you’re ready. That’s no big deal. I just don’t want to be the mare that hurts you worse than you’ve already been hurt. I almost did that... before you told me what happened to you. Kicked myself plenty then. But I don’t want to do anything till you’re sure it's right.”
I looked up at her. “Blackjack. Do you ever think that maybe the fact that you’re okay with being used might be part of the problem? Cause it is a big deal. Nopony deserves to be used. No matter what they’ve done. Hell, I met Nails, the stallion that…” I couldn’t say it. “Even he doesn’t deserve to be used. What makes it okay for you?”
“Because I can take it,” she replied without missing a beat. “It’s what they need. And if I can pay that price so they don’t have to, then I pay it. Because I can.”
“That is the biggest load of brahmin shit I’ve ever heard,” I snapped back, still keeping my voice low. “Blackjack, you have it in your head that you owe the world a debt. A debt that can’t be paid. I don’t know where the hell it comes from, but Luna’s Lovely Ladylips, filly! You deserve much better than that!”
“I was a willing cog in machine devoted to using ponies in the worst ways imaginable. I killed foals younger than you. I gassed every friend I grew up with. I blew up slaves because I was cocky. I nearly beat Glory’s sister to death,” she said quietly, her emotions souring as we walked. “Don’t ever think you know what I deserve, Threnody. Not after I got the ponies I loved the most killed, or worse.”
My own emotions soured with hers. “Then what makes you so damned special that you think that dying didn’t at least partially erase some of that red in your ledger? Is it because you can’t forgive yourself? I know how that goes. Or are you like Ivy, and you masturbate to suffering?”
“Well then, by your logic all I need to do is keep dying till I can forgive myself. Great. I’ll keep it in mind,” she said with a snort.
I glared at her again. “That isn’t what I meant at all, Blackjack. And you know it.”
“You want to know what dying is like?” she asked, bristling. “It’s wonderful. It’s such a relief because it’s over. All the pain. All the misery. It’s just done. Dying was the best night of sleep I ever had. It was a rest I’d earned, but I didn’t care because I was at peace” she growled. “Only I woke up. Again. And again. And again. Do you want to know what that’s like?” she hissed. “What it’s like to open your eyes and realize that you have to keep going with the pain and misery? Would you like to feel that emotion, Thren?”
I stopped trotting and closed my eyes. I could feel the tears welling up along my eyelids. What Blackjack didn’t know – couldn’t have known – is that I did know what that emotion felt like. I’d felt it for about two weeks after the stallion I’d worked so hard to save killed himself in front of me.
“Do you know what it’s like for a heartmender to be connected to someone the moment they die?” I asked softly, looking back at her with pain evident on my muzzle. “I know how much relief that stallion felt when he killed himself in front of me. I know that desire for rest, for everything to just… stop. But then I had to keep working. Go to bed and wake up. Pretend it didn’t happen. Just like everything else. Don’t talk about it. Don’t say anything about it. Just go to sleep, but you’ll always have to wake up again.”
She was quiet a moment. “Then you do know. Good. Life’s suffering, punctuated by moments of wonderful and horrible. The one redeeming thing about it is that it ends. So I’m doing what you want. I’m alive, stuck in this clone, doing what you and the other Heartmenders want. Don’t tell me that dying absolved me of anything. I’ve got about ten thousand deaths to die before that slate’s clear.”
A thought struck me. “You’re envious of me, aren’t you?” I asked, guilt flooding the whole of my being. “Because… for everything, when I grow old and die, or if I’m shot and killed, it’s done. The end.” I felt the familiar warm trickle run down my snout, but I ignored it.
“No. I’m envious of Glory. I just wish that when I saved the world, it wouldn’t be too much to ask the universe that I’d get to spend it with her. And P-21. And Rampage. Lacunae...” she grit her teeth as a tear ran down her cheek, but she ignored it as well. “You’ve got a life to live, and yeah, it’s a little battered, but you haven’t fucked up big time yet. Done something you can’t forgive yourself for.”
I nodded as I started trotting after Glitter and Bubblegum again. Underneath it all, I sensed that what I’d said was true. She was envious of me. That I could figure out what happened after I died, or join… whoever I’d lost. No reason for me to mention that Heartmenders tended to die young because of stress. I wiped my bloody nose with a flick of my wing.
“I know you can’t forgive yourself for everything you’ve done, Blackjack. I’ll respect that. I just wish that I could find a way to help you, as a friend. Ease the burden a little bit. Even you deserve more kindness than you’ve gotten thus far from this stupid world,” I said as we trotted to keep up with the two lovebirds up ahead. Or, well, Glitter and a very awkwardly flirting Bubblegum.
“Most ponies do, Threnody. I just put myself at the back of the line. When everyone else gets their kindness, I’ll get mine,” she said matter of factly.
“Well, I’m not Fluttershy, so it’s not like I have an element of Harmony to try to give you kindness in spite of it all,” I said, a slight grin on my face. I hopped up to wrap my forelegs around her neck as I gave her a hug. “If I were an element, I would make you accept my lurv!” I teased, suddenly letting go and blushing furiously as I caught Bubblegum smirking back at Blackjack and I.
Then Blackjack stuck her tongue in my ear.
“Allowagh-Blackjack! Why did you do that!?
Glitter and Bubblegum laughed uproariously at my distress. Assholes. All of my friends are assholes.
…and I loved them to bits.
The next day we were deep in the pines, the mountains deceptively close beyond that carpet of trees. While the life was somewhat surprising, none of it was healthy. Yellowed patches of dead trees, and blackened scars of old forest fires littered the tight road that cut through the growth. We were approaching a barricade, a sky wagon crossing the road. A sign next to it read ‘Three Rivers, 1 km. Fold, 40 km.’ Fold? What, had somepony just been lazy when naming things?
“Okay, so Three Rivers I get, but who the hay names a town ‘the Fold’? Makes me think of-” Bubblegum cut himself off. “Erm. I mean, weird name,” he commented.
“What kind of fold were you thinking of, Bubbles~?” I teased, poking the earthpony’s strong shoulder. Oh… that was really firm...
Glitter Bomb levitated me away from him, putting me on the opposite side of her! “I don’t think this is the time for that.”
I pouted at Glitter, but accepted my movement. “Well, what kind of fold do you think he was talking about, Blackjack? Something fun?” I asked.
“I think we should worry about that barricade and whoever might be behind it,” she said as she levitated the shotgun and approached. “Times I miss my EFS,” she muttered and then called out. “Hey! Anyone there?”
A moment later a scraggly bearded stallion popped his head up, his eyes wide and bloodshot as he stared at the four of us. “Toll!” he screeched, fumbling with a rusty hunting rifle. “This is Timberjack territory! Ya gotsta pay a toll to the Kingdom of Fold!”
Oh good. Two days out and we were getting shaken down by locals. “What’s the toll?” I called out, stepping up next to Blackjack.
“Caps!” the brown stallion squalked. “As many as ya got! Fifty!” he said as he looked from one to the next. “And food! Whatever food you got. And all the herb you’re carrying! And...” he blinked his bleery eyes past us. “Rut me sidewise... is that Princess Luna?”
We all turned to look at Glitter Bomb, who grinned and waved at the stallion. “Hello Mr. Guardman. I’m afeared we don’t have your caps. Or food. Because we need the food. But we could give you some Sparkle~Cola!” She said, trying to take on a regal stance.
He licked his lips. “I’ll take some Sparkle~Cola,” he muttered, rising to his hooves and gesturing towards a little door on the far end of the sky wagon. Once through, I saw a few dozen old buildings, a motel and a spark recharge station, and a few shells with trees growing right up through the middle. Only the motel seemed inhabited anymore, and a quartet of stallions approached dressed in flannel. They didn’t look nearly as harmless as the scraggly sentry. I flicked my eyes to Blackjack as I looked over the much more intact looking shotguns that sat in their battlesaddles.
“Ey! What you doing there, Pine Sap! You got a toll?” the leader demanded as he approached.
Sap blinked and then turned to us. “You got the toll, right?” he mumbled.
Glitter Bomb levitated a quintet of Sparkle~Cola bottles over to Sap. “One bottle for each pony, right, Mr. Guard?”
But the leader wasn’t having any of it. “Caps! Now!” he barked. There was murderous impatience coming off him. I could feel it. He wanted us dead, before or after we paid.
“But Mr. Sap said the cola would be fine!” Glitter protested. I looked down at my left forehoof, trying to time how quickly I could draw my pistol and fire. Blackjack was giving the stallion a shooty look. Oh boy...
The leader didn’t answer Glitter, but his jaw worked just as Blackjack stepped in front of me. The double shotguns on his saddle roared, and blasted against the white shield she’d thrown up before us. The edges snapped off, flickering away in arcane flurries that made her grimace, but keeping me intact. “Glitter, Shield, Bubbles, throw!” She said as the four ponies spread out to fire around her protective magical arc. The scraggly stallion ducked behind his barricade and hid as buckshot that wasn’t absorbed by the shield peppered the hull of the skywagon behind us.
I froze, unable to move. They’d shot at us! Time seemed to slow down around me as I watched helplessly. Bubblegum already had his grenade rifle out, and a small explosion of sticky gum splattered over the ponies circling to the left. Glitter raised a great shield that encircled all of us, her horn sparking as she shot a bolt of magic through her shield toward the leader on the right.
The last charged forward, drawing a chainsaw from a sling as he bolted forward. He started it with a yank and swung it at Blackjack’s shield, the blade sparking against it and chewing off chunks of raw crystalised magic. The stallion Glitter had shot bled freely, hate and malice pouring from him like a river as he blasted her shield near point blank. The second pair were alternately firing and trying to get free of the sticky mass holding them in place, while Bubblegum worked with his hooves to reload his grenade rifle.
Blackjack disappeared, her shield vanishing with her in a flash and sent the chainsaw-wielding stallion almost on his face. Reappearing fifty feet away, a barrage of magic tore out of her horn, five bolts from the furious volley finding their marks and plunging into his flesh. The magic ripped through him with the force of a rifle shell, and I felt his rage bleed away... then... gone.
“Go ahead. Keep hiding behind your dumb freak,” one of the gummed pair taunted. “We’ll get free of your stupid gum and then-” But Bubblegum just set his lips in a firm line and fired a grenade up over Glitter’s bubble. The canister landed firmly in the mass of gum between them, and they sneered in contempt.
Then they were gone.
The explosion shattered Glitter’s shield, and did much the same to the pair. Only eight hooves, still adhered to the ancient asphalt by red-splattered pink, remained. The rest had been distributed in a chunky spray forty feet in diameter.
The leader hadn’t caught the full blast, but he was peppered with pieces of steel and pony, and still bleeding heavily from where Glitter had pierced him. Four to one, there was no way he could win. That didn’t matter. He wanted to kill us. All of us. A pure, undistilled hatred to annihilate us for daring to fight him. Blackjack pointed her shotgun at his rump, the buckshot ripping his hind legs to pieces. He sat hard, his hatred bleeding away to bewilderment as he looked back over his shoulder down that barrel of bodily destruction.
His head disappeared in a fan of lead.
Pine Sap, sitting behind us, cradling his rusty rifle, dropped it and thrust his forehooves into the air. “I give up!” he announced firmly, waving his hooves over his head in his earnest desire to prove his surrender.
I still couldn’t move. I’d never seen so much… so much death in quick succession. I stared wide eyed at Blackjack as she looked over at the entrance of the motel. We’d just killed four ponies! And they’d wanted to kill us! What the fuck was wrong with ponies!?
Glitter rubbed the base of her horn. “Ouch… that grenade really hurted, Bubblegum!”
“I’m sorry about your horn, Glitter, but it was better than letting them hurt you. They would have meant it,” He said, his pink eyes hard as he stared at the bloody spray. “I hate it when I have to switch rounds.” I tried to not roll my eyes as I felt waves of love shoot off of Glitter Bomb. Or maybe not love. Was that lust? Oh. Oh dear.
“It’s not over,” Blackjack announced. There were shouts at the motel, and the sound of a motor grinding to life. From the mouth of the motel stomped a mechanized pony. It looked like somepony had once seen a picture of power armor, and decided to slap together their own with welded together sheets of iron and a dozen spark batteries. It might have been ugly as sin, but it had a machine gun mounted on a swivel mount on his back, and a pair of buzz saw blades mounted on arms like pegasus wings. “Take cover!” she yelled, running away from us, trying to draw its attention as it trained its machine gun after her.
I shook myself. I needed to move. I had to move. I drew my small pistol and opened fire as I took to the air. Must protect Blackjack. Don’t get shot. Keep moving. Green bolts of disruption magic flew downrange, but the metal monster shrugged them off.
“Shit,” Bubblegum spat, then loaded another round. “Over here, fuckhead!” he shouted, charging toward a rusting tractor for cover. His grenade fired off with a thump, arcing overhead and exploding next to the metal pony. A few pieces of plate exploded off the power armour and staggered the suit, but the pony within remained untouched as he focussed down on Blackjack, bullets ripping through the air and sending dirt spraying as she darted about the battlefield.
A bullet whizzed past my ear as I looked down, realizing there were more than just the armoured pony spilling out of the old motel. A mare with a pristine-looking hunting rifle had me in her sights! I folded my wings in and dove, trying to shake her. No getting shot. No getting shot! Glitter’s magic flung a grenade at the riflemare, taking to the air as well, but she ducked behind cover before it went off.
Blackjack summoned that blade of light and closed in, and the buzz saws lashed out at her blindly, but effectively keeping her from slicing the armor. Still, she was close enough that the machine gun couldn’t swivel far enough to aim at her and instead came to bear on Bubblegum and Pine Sap. The younger pony tackled the scruffy bearded brown stallion to the ground as the machine gun chattered out a stream of rifle rounds. The marksmare was lining up another shot on me. I had to shoot first. I had to... to...
I couldn’t do it. I beat my wings as hard as I could, clawing for altitude. I needed to get higher. I couldn’t shoot her. She was trying to kill me, and I couldn’t shoot back. Then I felt it. A finger of fire almost casually punching straight through the muscle of my wing. For an instant I just hung there, and then I began to fall in a twisting, terminal spiral. My good wing struggled to slow my fall. To prevent me from smashing on that old road. It couldn’t. I was going to die...
Then a glow surrounded me and halted my fall. “I got you! I got you!” Glitter Bomb shouted as she soared up to catch me tears springing from her eyes as she cradled me close to her. “You... you...” she choked as she glared down at the mare. Magic seized her as well. “You big meanie!” Glitter roared, lifting the mare from the ground and flinging her into the air, then magically slamming her down. “Meanie!” Another slam. “Meanie!” Another. “Meanie! Meanie! Meanie! Meanie!” Before long, it was hard to tell that the bloody rag of meat and splintered bone Glitter was mashing into the asphalt with such glaring, incandescent rage had ever been a pony.
“Glitter!” I yelled, only able to interrupt her tantrum because my wing now felt as if it’d been filled with molten lead. “It’s over!”
The alicorn froze, eyes wide, tears on her cheeks. “Did... did I do a bad?” she whispered.
I shook my head. “You caught me. That… actually let’s land. I need a potion.” I said as tears welled in my eyes. The pain in my wing was taking my breath away, and I felt very, very cold.
I looked down to see… bodies. Bodies everywhere. Well, bodies and pieces of bodies. Bubblegum was picking his way through the dead. The cobbled together set of power armour sat motionless, the head of the armour completely gone. A veritable flood of blood flowed out from the battered chestpiece. My stomach heaved as Glitter set me down on the ground.
Blackjack limped up, her hide blackened and her leather barding now sporting a distinctly shrapnel-oriented motif and dribbling blood from from a few ragged holes. She ignored her own wounds, reaching into her saddlebag and withdrawing a potion. “Glitter, can you hold her wing straight while she heals? If we’re lucky, everything will set right.” She said, passing me the purple potion with her magic.
I drank it down slowly, fighting off the swimming dark trying to overtake my vision as Glitter straightened my wing. Nausea rolled through my frail frame at the pain. I really, really hoped I didn’t throw up the potion.
Bubblegum trotted up to Blackjack, his face covered in soot. A long, shallow cut ran down his left cheek, and it oozed slightly as he looked me over. “Oh shit, is she okay? I… think we got them all. Well, except for him.” he nodded back over his shoulder at the scraggy stallion.
Pine Sap sat, thrusting his hooves in the air. “I give up,” he repeated, then, as if not sure that was sufficient surrender, folded his forehooves behind his head. He pursed his lips a moment, then returned them to over his head, facing each of us in turn as he demonstrated to each his sincere surrender.
“Look, Threnody is gonna put her hoof on you, just to make sure you aren’t lying,” Blackjack explained a few minutes later in the trashed motel lobby. The late residents were not the best housekeepers. Piles of trash, empty bottles of booze, and a dank, skunky smell of some kind of smoke lingered in the air all around us. Oh, and the novel scent of death, blood and ruptured bowels that wafted in from outside.
Pine Sap nodded as we sat him down at a decaying picnic table, but flinched when I delicately put a hoof on his.
“I’m a heartmender,” I explained, though the look he gave me told me he had no idea what I was talking about. “Think of me as a pegasus lie detector,”
“Look, fillies, I just live here. I didn’t have nothin’ to do with the lot ya’ll just pasted outside,” He rambled, his eyes darting from me to Blackjack and back.
“Bullshit,” I said at once as soon as I felt the slippery slidy evasion inside him. His bloodshot eyes popped wide as he stared at me. “I know when you’re lying. I can feel your thoughts,” I said with a tiny smirk, feeling a little thrill at the paranoia running through him right now. Okay, maybe interrogations were kinda fun!
“Whoa,” he whispered, a mix of fascination and fear bubbling up inside him. “Oh... okay. I was just the one taking the toll, ya know. That’s all. Didn’t like them guys no how,” he said, almost burning with his need not to get caught in a lie.
“Then why are you still here?” Blackjack asked, leaning in close to the scruffy stallion.
Pine Sap swallowed. “Cause it’s where I got my garden! In the basement o’ this motel, there’s a big garden of herb. Great stuff! Real relaxin’ to smoke! I didn’t want to leave that!”
I nodded to Blackjack, and she smirked. “So you’re here, even with those gangers, because it’s where your chems are?”
“Hey! It ain’t a chem! I ain’t never touched no Dash or nothin’ like that. My herb is all natural, created by Celestia and Luna themselves! I don’t even drink hooch!” I gave him a flat look. “Okay, well, maybe I drink a little hooch. But not a lot.” Another flat look. “Okay, maybe I’ve been known to imbibe a bit much on occasion, but that ain’t wrong, is it? I need it for my sleep!”
Blackjack put a hoof down on the table surface. Not loud, just firm enough to make Pine Sap jump. “Tell me about the Timberjacks,” She said, her voice somehow smooth as caramel, but sharp as shrapnel.
The scraggly stallion swallowed sharply. “They’re a new gang. Only been around for the past couple years. The took over folks growin’ herb, and now if you want herb, you gotta deal with the Jacks. Everypony in Fold’s gotta. Major burn.”
Blackjack and I shared a look at Sap’s priorities. “So are they raiders, gangers, or what?” Blackjack pressed.
“Well, they don’t eat people so... um... yeah?” he said as his free hoof ran through his mane. “They’d been a gang o’ bandits in the past, but weren’t till recent they done got themselves some shiny new gear,” He nodded toward Bubblegum, who was looking over one of the new looking hunting shotguns we’d salvaged from the dead. “Now, I ain’t what you’d call the brightest old coot ever done walked this fine nation’s soil, but I do know there ain’t many places you get guns like that. Least not this side of the Cascadias! Were I a bettin’ colt, which I ain’t-” He got another look from me. “Alright, I’m horrible with m’caps. But I’d be bettin’ that they got ‘em from the Rangers.”
“The Rangers?” Bubblegum asked, confused. “As in Applejack’s Rangers?”
Pine Sap shook his head. “Ain’t none too many of them Applejackers out here. Most o’ the Steel Rangers is still Steel Rangers. Small faction broke off, but they ain’t more than a dozen ponies, tops. Heard that they lost a lot of ponies in the fight when the Rangers broke up into two factions. Guess the northwesterners were a little less divided than other chapters or somethin’.” He looked to Blackjack. “If you wanted to meet them Applejackers, you’d find ‘em out by the Stormgate ruins, west ‘o Portlandia and the Hoove.”
Blackjack quirked a brow at him. “The Hoove?”
“You know, the Hoove! VanHoover? Shittiest town this side o’ the map? Think of it like Hoofington, but with only moderately less life suckin’ an’ incorrigible locals. Could make a tourist sayin’ for folks dumb enough t’ visit. ‘At Least we ain’t Hoofington!’”
Blackjack and I exchanged glances and chuckled. “Okay, so tell us about these Steel Rangers,” She purred, trotting around the picnic table.
Pine Sap spat on the ground beneath the table. “Assholes, the lot o’ ‘em. Always has been. Fuckers think they’s the coolest cats with their power armour and high powered weapons. Fuckin’ sellouts is what they is!”
“Sellouts?” Glitter asked as she lounged behind me. “What are they selling out of?”
Pine Sap gave my friend a confused look. “Huh? You been smokin’ my herb, Princess? Cause I mean sell out. Like they done sold their services to the fuckin’ Family!”
I looked over at Bubblegum as alarm blasted out of him. He stood and trotted over to the table, sitting down on his haunches. “They’re working with the Family?” He asked lowly.
“Who’s the Family?” Blackjack asked as Pine Sap nodded. I was curious too, considering just how worried Bubblegum was about this ‘Family.’ I can’t imagine the resolute periwinkle stallion spooked easily, and to see him so was very rapidly disturbing my calm.
“The Family’s a group of slavers, murderers, and extortionists who operate out of Seaddle.” Bubblegum said evenly, frowning. “Not your ordinary raider scum either. They’re some sort of unicorn supremacists. I don’t know the whole story, but apparently three Stables up in Seaddle tried to see about making one pony race superior to the other. The Pegasi left and joined the Enclave. Nopony’s heard from the Earth Ponies. But the Unicorns…”
Pine Sap shuddered. “They ain’t right. Story goes they’s the remnants of a Trotsvian Crime Family that somehow infiltrated Stable-tec. They was big into organized crime before the bombs blew everythin’ t’ pieces. Drugs, booze, prostitution, you name it, and it was illegal, they was into it.”
“Rumour also has it,” Bubblegum went on, “that they were a supplier for earth pony slaves in Fillydelphia,” he said, his expression grim. All of us exchanged uneasy glances. Even Glitter looked bothered by that idea. “Since Red Eye blew up, they’ve been making themselves their own little kingdom up in Cascadia."
Blackjack frowned, then glanced my way. “So why hasn’t this area started reforming like the New Canterlot Republic?” she asked.
Pine Sap pointed a hoof out toward the entrance of the motel. “That there’s the only road runs between here’n Portlandia. The other got so much damned radiation you’d be a ghoul fore ya crossed it. Rest’ve it’s mountains, and ain’t nopony wanna work through climbin’ over ‘em to get here,” He peered at us all. “Ya’ll ain’t from around here, is ya?”
We shook our heads. I removed my hoof from Pine Sap’s, and looked at Blackjack. “So… we’re heading into an untamed wild, full of gangers and mobsters,” I deadpanned. “I blame the bottle.”
She smirked back at me, her expression teasing, but her emotions chaotic under the surface. “Hey, you agreed with Fate and said we go north. It’s not my fault we went northwest!”
Bubblegum coughed. “I mean, I do have a compass. I wondered why we were heading this way instead of straight north, but I thought it was cause the bottle originally stopped at Blackjack,” he suggested helpfully. My cheeks burned as I looked away.
Blackjack trotted over to Bubblegum, then applied noogies to his head.
“Ack! Hey! Oww!”
“That’s what logical ponies get. Do you want that?” She asked, her eyes flashing with mirth. Beneath that mirth was a stormy sea of confusing feelings. Regret, wistfulness, care, and worry all crashing together to make a chaotic mess of rogue waves. At least she wasn’t crying.
Pine Sap cleared his throat. “Uh… if ya’ll want directions, we do have a map here at the motel,” He said, his anxiety flickering as our attention resettled upon him, gesturing with a hoof to a faded plastic yellow map with a raised relief.. “I mean, ya’ll did just take out the Timberjacks here. I do kinda owe ya for not killin’ me. ‘Specially since an old nag like m’self is better suited for runnin’ a store in my advanced age than guardin’. Plum idjits just said they wanted me to earn my herb.” He muttered.
“Well, to be fair, the lookout on the barricade is usually the first one to get killed,” Blackjack said with an even smile. We walked over and considered the map. From the topography, lines of mountains bisected the region from the rest of equestria, forming a W of sorts, with a large river cutting horizontally from east to west along the top. ‘Cascadia’ was written in the bottom corner. Fold was located in the middle of the eastern loop of mountains, just a few miles north of ‘Three Rivers’. A lot of sickly green marked ‘protected forest’, with little hamlets scattered across the area. The road continued north to someplace called ‘The Dulls’, which was only slightly less nonsensical than ‘Fold’. The western loop of mountains was flatter than the east, with a town called Springfield at the southern end of the Willamoose valley, a city north of that called White Salmon in the middle, and the largest right on the edge of the Wishpoosh... wait. Wishpoosh? Who names a river Wishpoosh? What did that even mean?
“I’m guessing this part of Equestria was kinda... you know... special during the war?” I asked.
“Wishpoosh?” Blackjack read aloud, her face pained.
“Oh!” Sap brightened. “That’s a, um... a deer word. Cervisomethin. They used to live all over here. You see a lot of funny names like that here and there. Most folks just call it the Equestrian River.” Oh. Yeah. There it was. So faded I could barely read ‘Equestrian River’. Right after ‘Wishpoosh.’
Wishpoosh...
With The Dulls... seriously, what was with that name?... on the east of the river, Portlandia was in the middle, with an enormous mountain between the two. Mount Hoof. Across from it was VanHoover, or the ‘Hoove’ as Sap put it. The river flowed west till it met the ocean. There the Equestrian river opened into the port town of Stormgate. And the map mentioned another city that sat below Stormgate. Stormshadow. Sounded rather evil to me. I gave up trying to make sense when I read one town was named ‘Ticklemoose.’ Tickling moose was where I drew the line!
“Well, aside from the fact that whoever named these places was clearly smoking some of Sap’s herb, that… actually is really helpful in explaining why it’s hard to get into the Equestrian Northwest!” I said, running my hoof over the mountains. Somepony had helpfully spray painted sections red, and labelled it with ‘ghouls only’ or ‘instant death’ or ‘hope you didn’t want to have kids cause the radiation here’ll melt your balls off.’ “Our only way north is to follow this road to Fold, then take this road through Sandy River to Portlandia.”
Blackjack quirked an eyebrow at me. “So...” she trailed off and then gave a wide smile. “What do you want to do now?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, cocking my head. Was she talking sex or... what? For once I wasn’t getting any smarmy sensations from her.
“I mean, where do you want to go? What do you want to do?” she asked. “You don’t have a stupid program in a pip buck telling you where to head next, so it’s really up to you.”
I stared at her. Why was she asking me? Why was I the one that had to make the calls? I mean… I looked to Glitter Bomb and Bubblegum. Both of them were looking at me expectantly.
Oh Goddesses. They thought I was the leader here!? “Whoa whoa whoa. Wait. Wait. You all are asking me what I want to do?” I asked incredulously. “And you’re like, okay with that?”
Glitter shrugged. “You are a smarty pants. You wouldn’t want to drop us in bad place.”
Bubblegum was even less helpful, as he merely grunted. So I turned back to Blackjack.
“You’re sure you want to follow my lead on this? Cause like, you’re the oldest here.” I said, frowning.
“Yeah, but I’m crazy. Ask any heartmender,” she said with that steady smile. Well, she did have me there... “I had good ponies following me and watching my back. Now I figure it’s fair to return the favor.” That was all smile and ease, but something about that made me leery.
I looked at her, then at Glitter Bomb and Bubblegum. For a moment a vast and terrible void opened up in me. I didn’t decide things. That was everyone else’s place. Sandalwood. Heartshine. Velvet. I’d always been told where to go, what to do, how to do it... always criticized if I put a hoof out of line. Now here every pony wanted me in that place? My breathing was heavy, my heart pounding. Three sets of eyes watched me in concern.
But Blackjack’s only held understanding of being where I was right now. My breathing steadied enough to actually think about what I actually wanted. The answer came as cool and clear as a mountain spring a second later. “I want to help the ponies in Fold.” I said hesitantly, new to this. “If the Timberjacks are as bad as Pine Sap says–”
“They is!” the scraggly stallion cut in.
“–Then I want to help them. I also want to go north because Velvet Remedy said there was a heartmender around here. I mean, I don’t know where. But maybe we could find her!” I said excitedly. Okay. I had options. I could choose the options! This was a good thing!
Unless I ended up killing all my friends.
I felt my ears droop. “Are you all sure you want to follow my lead? I mean, I used Blackjack’s crazy method to even get us up here,” I admitted, looking at the three of them in turn.
Glitter merely grinned at me.
Bubblegum shrugged. “Way I see it, if you weren’t going to pay me when we get to Junction City, at the very least, the guns we collected here will be worth the salvage,” He said with a soft smile. “That said, it’s kinda nice to do something with ponies who want to do more than just wander the roads to make caps for once.”
That left Blackjack. My jade eyes met her red. That smile. I wasn’t sure if it was the smile of an angel or a devil, but she was definitely leaving it up to me. “So... your orders, Captain?”
I let out a long suffering sigh. “Fine. We go to Fold. Let’s gather up the supplies we can carry. The rest,” I turned and looked at Pine Sap. “I think somepony might want to have at least something to offer any traders that come through here that isn’t herb.”
The scraggly stallion saluted, and I rolled my eyes.
“Blackjack, if everypony starts calling me Captain, I’m going to hit you.”
“Really? Because I’ll like it, Captain,” she answered. Oh. There were the smarmy feelings she’d been hiding. I tried my best to give her a grumpy look, despite the fact that, yet again, that look and the flirting was making my insides feel like butter. I really, really wasn’t sure I liked it.
Bubblegum managed to save me. “Hey Blackjack? Can you help me rig this shotgun to my battlesaddle? I figure I might as well have one gun operational, even if the other one doesn’t work right.” He said, lifting up the hunting shotgun.
“Uh, Glitter and I will go collect the other weapons from outside. Right Glitter?” I said, pulling on my friend’s foreleg with a wing before we darted out of the motel. A moment later, Glitter darted back into the doorway, eyes narrowed, pointed a hoof at her eyes, then jabbing it at Blackjack, then at Bubblegum, at Blackjack, at her own eyes, at Bubbles, and finished with a very decisive nod as she slipped back out again.
“You know missy, I’d think that little pegasus has a crush on you. If I were a bettin’ stallion. Which I ain’t-” I heard Pine Sap say as Glitter and I made our escape.
Oh for the love of Luna…
That night, Pine Sap showed us some of the rooms that weren’t horribly messy. Glitter and Bubblegum took Pine’s ‘Executive suite’ while Blackjack and I made do with a relatively dust-free corner room.
She watched me as I used the still functioning water talisman in the sink to wash my face. “Something I can help you with, Blackjack?” I asked, drying my face off with a wing.
She just smiled and shrugged, sprawled on a couch as she watched me. “There’s just something about fliers,” she murmured cryptically.
I looked over my shoulder back at her, then frowned as I followed her line of sight straight to my flanks. “Something about fliers, eh?” I asked, shaking my head. I really wished that the shower worked in here. I could use a bath. “Are you sure it’s fliers? Or do you just like looking at fillies’ rumps?” I shot back.
“I’m not picky, really. I do like yours though,” she answered, and shifted, propping her head up on a hoof. “What I’m trying to work out is do I like it because... well... cute butt? Do I like it because you? Or do I like it because it reminds me of Glory’s? What do you think, doctor?”
I turned and trotted over to the mattress. It was more or less ‘clean’, without too many suspicious stains, and was relatively dust free. I flopped down onto it, and rolled over onto my back. I stared at the ceiling as I answered her. “I think you’re dreaming, for one,” I said with a smirk. “Because there’s no way it reminds you of Glory’s. She looked like Rainbow Dash for a while, right? All the pictures of Rainbow I’ve seen gave the impression that she had flanks that could kill. Me? I’m… small. Hell, I’m smaller than Littlepip. And I’m skinny. So I don’t know why you like my butt. But it’s probably not because I’m like Glory.”
“Who says that’s not cute?” she replied as she slid off the couch and onto the bed. “There’s all kinds of cute. Big cute. Little cute. Ugly cute. Pretty cute. It’s the pony that makes them cute to me, not their body parts.” She sighed. “Everyone tells me Velvet Remedy is absolutely gorgeous, but I’ve never thought of her as cute. It’s just strange that way,” she said as she looked at me. “Funny. I’m having.... What’s it called... Deja something.”
I quirked an eyebrow at her. “Deja vu? That… weird Fancee phrase?” I asked, then shook my head. “I mean, not that I don’t like the compliment, Blackjack, but let’s be honest. Compared to Velvet or Grace or Sandalwood or, well, Glory, I’m a lumpy tato.”
“Last thing you are is lumpy,” she said, reaching over and poking my side. I squeaked at the sudden ticklish poke. “Have I told you about Pillow Talk?” I shook my head, rubbing my side with a wing. “She was the mare that taught me about sex. Said I was cute. I told her the exact same thing you told me. She told me, what I told you. There’s all different kinds of cute... well, she used beauty, but same idea. I didn’t believe her then either, so I understand if you don’t agree with me now.”
I rolled over onto my belly, and stretched out my aching right wing. It was still healing, and was a bit sore. “Well, I mean… I guess. I just don’t feel pretty,” I admitted, reaching up to take my ponytail out of my mane.
“It’s not pretty. It’s the idea that someone likes you. That someone wants to be with you. To do stuff with you. And it was pretty hard for me too. I was in security. Heck, my mom was head of security. Almost no one found me cute. But some did. I dunno. Maybe they were bored or liked dumb, incompetent mares...” she muttered with a smile and roll of her eyes. “Point is, it’s a simple compliment. Enjoy it. It means as little or as much as you decide it means.”
My cheeks flushed at her words, and I felt my face feeling really hot. Goddess Luna damn her! Why did she do this to me? Make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! I sighed, then crawled over and put my face against her side. “You’re just saying that because you think it’s funny to make me blush!”
“I’m saying it because it's true,” she answered. Then a pause. “And it’s funny...” Then added after a moment, “Also, you’re utterly adorable when you blush.”
“I am not cute!” I protested, lightly batting at her sides with a hoof. I leaned away from her and tried to give her my best grumpy pout. At least I think it was a grumpy pout. I really just knew that I’d been making some actual choices on my own today, and I kinda liked that control. But maybe not too much control. Not when she smelled nice. Even with the dust and dirt and sweat on her.
“Okay. Fine,” she teased as she lay there on her belly, resting her head on the yellowed pillow with a little smile. “You’re not cute,” she said in utterly insincere tones that even a non-heartmender would pick up on!
I found her smile to be utterly infuriating. And darling. And ARGH. Brain! Why! Why do you do this to me?! I rolled back onto my back. “Good! Now we’re clear. I’m not cute!” I said, crossing my forelegs over my chest and trying to take on a haughty look.
“Absolutely.”
“Not one little bit!” I squeaked!
“Mhmmm.”
“Cause I’m not!” I huffed.
All she did was lie there with that smile, utterly refuting every single protest I made with that simple little smile. My heart raced as I looked at that simple, soft, adorable smile. Nopony ever told me I was cute. Why was that stupid smile making me feel so butterfly-like inside?
“Hey Blackjack?”
“Hmmm?” she asked, opening one ruby eye to peer at me.
My heart thudded in my chest. Blackjack put me in charge. She said I could decide what to do. That was one of the best things I’d ever had happen to me. It made me...
It made me feel brave for once. My tongue danced inside my mouth as I fought for words. I wasn’t sure my question was a good idea or not, but I wanted to ask it anyway. Blackjack just kept on watching me with that one eye, a small smile on her muzzle.
“About last night. Um…?”
“Yes?” she asked, not moving an inch as she kept watching me.
Dammit. Things like this went much differently in my books. She was supposed to come over here and kiss me! Instead she was just laying there! Watching me! Like she knew something I didn’t! Argh! Was I doing this wrong? What was I doing wrong? Was I not the damsel in this story? Why didn’t anything make sense!?
I rolled over and faced away from her, my cheeks bright red. “I… nevermind.”
My brain was stupid. I was stupid. Everything about this situation was stupid. I didn’t love Blackjack. I was just… something. Something uncomfortable. Something that made my whole body hot. It wasn’t necessarily bad, but I wasn’t at all sure it was good, either. I didn’t like feeling like my body was in control of me. And why did my wings feel so stiff?
You load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt. Saint Starswirl don't you call me 'cause I can't go! I owe my soul to the company store.
I woke up screaming, sweat rolling down my brow and over my muzzle as I shot straight up. I’d just killed a mare in my dream, and she’d turned into a gooey mess as the disintegration magic in my pistol ripped through her screaming form. I put my head between my hind legs, and held my cheeks with my forehooves as I worked to steady my breathing. I started when I felt a gentle, soothing touch to my mane. I must have looked horrible, because the look Blackjack gave me spoke volumes.
“Nightmare?” She asked simply, very slowly running the underside of her hoof down the back of my head.
I tried to blink away the image of the mare dying in stereo with the waking world, and nodded. “I… I killed somepony in my dream,” I said quietly. “I didn’t kill anypony yesterday, but here I am feeling guilty about it. I am so stupid.”
Blackjack quirked an eyebrow at me. “Seriously? You know who you’re talking to, right?” she asked with her casual little self deprecating smirk. It didn’t work, and the expression slid from her face. “Listen, do you know what the difference is between them and us?” She asked, all serious and matter-of-fact. I shook my head slowly. “They shot first.”
“Nopony would have died if we’d just stayed in the Hoof,” I whispered, clutching my head.
“Yeah they would. It just would have been someone else,” she said with that gentle firmness of a mother teaching a foal a hard lesson. “We came north because you decided it. So, to me, it makes sense that you’d take responsibility for the ponies that died yesterday, but you’re not to blame. They attacked us.”
I let out several slow breaths as I tried to get my tongue to work with me. The once limber muscle turned to stone in my mouth, and it took concerted effort to find the right words to say.
“Is that how you do it?” I asked after a long moment. “Tell yourself that they had it coming?”
Blackjack gave me a hard look, and I felt the familiar wave of self-loathing wash over me like the bitter morning tide. “I’m not like that. I figure any pony has their reasons for doing whatever it is they do. So long as they’re not hurting someone that can’t defend themselves, I’ve got no problem. The second they take a shot at me and my friends though, all bets are off.” She gave a little smile. “Just their bad luck they targeted somepony that’s very good at defending herself.”
“I don’t want to kill ponies. I don’t want to kill anything at all,” I sniffled. “I thought all that was over with when the Lightbringer and you...” I trailed off. “Goddesses, I must sound like an idiot.”
“No. You’ve got the right attitude. But I don’t think the wasteland ever goes away. Not completely. And ponies kill ponies. Good ponies try to stop it. Find out why they’re fighting. Find some other way. All killing does is make a corpse. It doesn’t let a pony learn from their mistakes. Do better.”
“Did you?” I asked, then felt the souring of her emotions. “Sorry.”
“I learned a few things. Stuff you’re learning now,” She admitted, resuming her petting of my messy mane. “It’s never an easy thing to take somepony’s life. I don’t enjoy fighting and killing. I’m good at it, but I’d rather be doing something else.” She said with a wink, but I didn’t feel any real lust behind it.
Her smile faded as she went on. “Killing a giant Radscorpion or a Yao-guai is one thing. You know that the fight is for survival. There’s something so simple about fighting something that only wants to kill and eat you. You don’t think about it. There’s no malice in it. Just something hungry putting you on the menu.”
“And when they’re not?” I asked.
She didn’t answer for a moment, her emotions a toxic stew of regret, annoyance, and self loathing, like bits of burnt rubber bobbing in a vat of radioactive waste and raw sewage. “Then you fight till they stop wanting to kill you. Sometimes that means they get killed. I don’t start the fight, I end it. And I am really, really good at ending them,” she finished, her lips pressed in a grim line.
It struck me that a pony was almost referring to themselves as if they were an apex predator. A long time ago, we were herd animals. We always had been and always would be, ultimately, a prey species because we were herbivores by nature. With… some forays into eating meat when it was necessary. I personally couldn’t imagine living without bacon. But eating Radhog felt different than actively seeking out prey to take down. That thinking was reserved for Gryphons, Minotaurs, and Hellhounds. But not ponies. Never ponies.
I let out a long sigh. “No, you’re right,” I admitted. “I am taking responsibility for their deaths. Even though it was you, Glitter, and Bubblegum that killed the Timberjacks here,” I frowned, a thought occurring to me. “I need to be more present in the next fight. I can’t keep freezing up and letting others fight for me.”
“That… would be kinda helpful,” Blackjack said, ruffling my mane gently. “I mean, you don’t have to fight if you don’t want to.”
“I don’t?” I asked.
She shook her head. “I’m not going to make you fight and kill, Threnody. That’s not my call. If you don’t want to fight, we’ll find another way. But having somepony to watch my back when Glitter and Bubblegum are busy would be kind of nice.” She gave me another one of those easy smiles. The kind that made me feel funny in my stomach and somewhere between my hind legs. “But only start a fight if you know it’s one you can’t afford not to. You know what it’s like to be shot. Probably not an experience you’re interested in repeating, mmm?” She asked. I shook my head.
“Then what we need to do before we get to Fold is make sure we have you armoured up,” Blackjack explained, getting up off of the bed and bending forward as she arched her spine. I felt my eyes following the curve of her back to her fl– No! Bad brain! No, no!
I rolled my head from side to side and wiggled out my wings. “Right. So, I’m not gonna get back to sleep anytime soon, so… let’s see if we can’t find something that fits.”
“What do you mean nothing fits?” Blackjack called over the bathroom divider an hour later. We’d picked up a great deal of gear that we’d appropriated from the Timberjacks, and Pine Sap had been more than willing to take the rest of their stuff off our hooves to restart his trading post. However, as I’d come to find out, being the lumpiest tato in the wasteland meant that finding armour and battlesaddles that fit my frame was nigh impossible. Either it was too short and didn’t offer enough protection for my lanky legs, or was too big and made it hard to trot, let alone fly.
“Well, like I said, nothing fits!” I replied with a resigned sigh.
“You know I can-” Blackjack started to say.
“It’s always been like this! I swear, mom would have kept me in baby rompers if she could!” I whined, anger and frustration pushing me forward.
“But I know-”
“And even when I was on my own, I still couldn’t find anything that fit! Just my duster, which has proven definitively unhelpful with my ability to resist bullets! This is impossible!” I snorted.
Blackjack didn’t answer for a moment, “Um...” she started to say.
“I am just a stupid, ugly, lumpy tato, and because of that, finding barding that fits me is going to be a more of a pain in the bum than anything else on this stupid trip has been or will be!” I summarized my tirade of clothing woes.
Blackjack replied by hitting me in the face with something green and sparkly. I looked down at the dress, and turned it over, confused. “Blackjack, this isn’t armour,” I said, looking over the garment. The tag on the inside read CP, and had a stylized hat.
“Yeah, well, it's the bottom of the barrel,” she answered. “Okay, nevermind. I have some rags here but there’s something crawling in them.”
“I’m putting it on,” I blurted at once, not wanting to have a lice infested rag tossed at me. “This has to be the absolute worse armour in the wasteland,” I muttered, not wanting to admit that maybe, just maybe, this dress might look okay on me.
“You want the rags? I got fleas, ticks, or lice?” Blackjack asked.
I took a look. It was probably a filly’s cute-ceañera dress, with green sequins, lace, and taffeta. As goddess-awful impractical as it appeared, it’d withstood 200 years of wasteland. The soft hunter green garment shimmered with sequins as I slipped the single wide strap over my right shoulder. The dress was nearly backless, which was ideal for my wings, but had an additional support that ran over my withers. That support helped the dress hug my chest, even though my left shoulder was left bare. I looked back as the dress flowed over my flanks, making them look fuller than they were. Huh. I… hmm.
The door opened and Blackjack gazed at me a moment. At once, she grinned. “Hey,” she said in a voice that made me both apprehensive and fluttery at the same time.
My cheeks felt like fire as I looked up at Blackjack. “Do we have a mirror?” I asked, pointedly looking at the floor. I wasn’t sure I could look her in the face right now.
She peered out of the stall. “I think... yeah!”
I slowly made my way out of the stall I’d been using to change in, and joined Blackjack at the mirror. I bit my lip and ducked my head as I gazed at my reflection. Weird. Somepony had taken a filly with my shape and colouring and actually made her kind of cute! I looked over at Blackjack as I felt something lightly pulling on my mane. Her small horn lit up as she twisted my dirty blond mane about, and she offered me a smile.
“So, yes. You’re right. This isn’t armour. But sometimes it pays to have something that you can put on and stop a fight with before it starts,” She said softly, letting my mane fall in a somewhat messy bun down around my shoulders.
That’s when I started crying. I couldn’t bear to look at the filly in the mirror. The filly in the mirror was too pretty. Too pretty for some cruel mare to keep her hooves off of her.
Blackjack’s eyes widened with alarm. “Woah, woah, woah!” She immediately reached out to hold me, but I immediately put a hoof out to keep her back. Right now, being touched wasn’t on my wants list. “What’s wrong? You’re not that ugly in it,” she said with a vain attempt at cutting humour, a half smile melting away as her brows knitted together. “What’s wrong?” she repeated, a little more serious.
“I look too pretty,” I said, tears running down my cheeks. “Just like my mom would always say before I got sent off to that mare. Just like she would always say. T-too p-pretty,” I stammered, trying to wriggle my way out of the dress. It was a beautiful dress. I just couldn’t be a beautiful filly.
“Right,” Blackjack said, levitating the dress off me, cold hate trickling through her, along with that familiar self-recrimination, most likely at hurting me. Great, now she was feeling like crap because I was being stupid. Good fucking job, Threnody. Way to make your friends feel loved and helpful. “We’ll settle things up, Threnody. When you’re ready,” she murmured, reaching out and patting my mane gently as she gave a little half smile. Then she looked back at the stack. “What I was trying to say earlier was that Grace taught me an alteration spell, so I think I can shrink some of that barding to fit a, how’d you put it? ‘lumpy tato?’”
I rewarded her with a small smile. “That might work a bit better. Sorry I didn’t let you say that in the first place. There’s a set of leather barding that I think we could easily cut wing-slits into.” I said, pointing to the stall.
“Are you sure?” she asked, then levitated up a monstrous parody of protective gear. “Bondage gear and spikes. Classic raider. Ehhhhh? Ehhhh?” she said with a foalish grin as she waggled the horrifically impractical barding in the air before me.
“Right, because clearly I want to get shot by the next set of right-thinking ponies we run into. Or is this because you want me to tie you up and start calling you Littlepip?” I asked with a shaky grin of my own in return.
She relaxed as I snarked back. “Nah. Been there. Done that,” she said with a smile as she set it aside and levitated up the leather barding. “Let’s see how far I can shrink this,” she murmured, her horn’s magic engulfing the barding. Five minutes later, I had a set of reinforced leather barding that fitted me far more snugly than I’d imagined... and Blackjack’s horn was smoking. “Hot! Hot! Hot!” she hissed, fanning it with a hoof to cool her tiny horn.
I leaned over and blew on her forehead and little horn. “That help?” I asked, smirking at her. I let my face relax into a small smile. “Thank you, Blackjack, for helping.”
To my surprise, she actually blushed. I didn’t think she could blush! “Well, that’s what I like to do,” she murmured. “That and not fuck things up.”
“You’ve been doing that pretty well since we left the Hoof,” I admitted, slipping my duster on over my new barding. “So… should we go wake up Glitter and Bubblegum?” I asked, giving myself a cursory glance in the mirror. I looked like a wastelander. Maybe a cute wastelander, with the way the barding hugged my hips. But I could deal with that.
“Yeah,” she said as she started for the door. “Also, I can’t wait to hear your plan,” she said casually as she disappeared up the stairs.
I blinked. “Wait. What?” Oh! Plan! The plan!
… I am so doomed.
We found Glitter in her ‘executive suite’, snoozing on a pile of legitimately clean mattresses. I didn’t know whether or not the Timberjacks just put the nicest bedding in that room, or if their leader -whichever of the dead ponies downstairs he or she happened to be - actually happened to be a neatnik.
“Glitter,” I said, gently shaking my friend’s shoulder. “Time to get up!”
Glitter opened one purple eye at me and used her magic to bap me with a pillow. “Ten more minutes…” She moaned.
“Glitter, where’s Bubblegum?” Blackjack asked nonchalantly from behind me.
Instantly, my purple friend was up and moving. “I’m up! I’m up! I’m ready to go!” She said, her mane sticking straight out to one side as she staggered on the heap. I was curious where our comely earth pony had wandered off to, but Glitter almost looked panicked. “Where is he? The Enchilada didn’t attack last night, did it? Oh dear,” She fretted.
I leaned up and gripped her head in my hooves, smooshing her cheeks. “No, no attacks. He just wasn’t in here when we came to get you up. Wanna come find him with us?” I asked. Glitter nodded so rapidly I was nearly vibrated off of my hooves. I wasn’t sure what had gotten into my purple friend. Bubblegum was more than capable of handling himself!
Glitter, Blackjack, and I wandered through the upper floor of the motel, looking for Bubblegum. “When we’re together, we’ll talk about Thren’s plan,” Blackjack said as we searched. I figured that the tall earth pony hadn’t gotte- hello!
Us three mares halted at the sight in the courtyard below. Bubblegum had found a tub large enough for himself, and was currently taking a bath. His luxurious pink mane was brushed out and dripping as he worked a bar of soap over his withers. The water cascaded down his well muscled, toned body, and I felt my wings getting that weird ache they’d had the night before.
“I…” I started, just staring at the rather impressive display of wet testosterone in front of me. “Plan?” I murmured weakly. The only plan I had in my head at that very moment was the plan of trying to figure out what Bubblegum felt like. That butt. Oh my goddesses.
“Screw the plan. The plan is we stay right here,” Blackjack replied, her eyes running over his form. I’m pretty sure even Glitter could feel the waves of lust and desire Blackjack was feeling. It was like standing next to a spotlight of degeneracy.
A purple aura seized both of us and with a flash we were being negligently tossed out of the motel.
"So, Threnody,” Blackjack said, a few pine needles still stuck in her mane as we walked along the road north out of Three Rivers. “What’s the plan?”
I tried to not glare at her as she interrupted my daydream involving Bubblegum’s butt. Glitter had made sure that Blackjack and I were walking up front, and I was enjoying that daydream! “I… well, hmm,” I frowned a moment as I weighed my options. “Honestly, I have a feeling that we’re probably going to get shaken down again by the Timberjacks if they are anything like the ponies we encountered here. We didn’t pick up many caps from them, and they may be a little bit wary if we try to buy entrance into Fold with their dead friends’ weapons.”
“Yeah yeah,” she said with a wave of her hoof. “That’s fine, but more... what’s the word... strategically? The strategic plan? Are we just going to go through and not make trouble, or go wandering from location to location killing anyone that looks sideways at us while we search for profit and amusement?” She asked with a smirk as she looked down at me.
“Well, I want to make sure that they aren’t working with slavers,” I said firmly. “That goes against all of my beliefs, let alone my oaths as a Follower. The how of it, though, I’m working on that. I have a feeling these ponies aren’t exactly going to be open to listening to us extolling the magic of friendship,” I replied bitterly.
Bubblegum snickered behind us. “Well, trying to get some sort of lay of the land may not be a bad idea. Get some idea from a local, not a Timberjack, as to what the situation in Fold is like?” He offered.
“Pine Sap said the Timberjacks came around a few years back, and took control of the local ‘herb’. I’m guessing it's a big deal to the people around here,” Blackjack said, her gaze on the trees around us. “We need to see how they operate. Are they just a local gang, or are they a part of something bigger? Call me paranoid, but it always seems like things end up being connected.”
Given what she’d been through, I couldn’t blame her. I hoped this was just a local problem. The trees around us really were beautiful though. So much was dead and wasted south of us that the sight of anything green and growing was like food for a starving soul. Far off to the north west rose the largest mountain I’d seen; a pristine white peak that stood alone from other mountains in the range. I could only guess that was Mount Hoof.
“Well, connected is kind of what big bad groups of dumb ponies do, isn’t it?” Glitter Bomb asked as she and Bubblegum trotted up beside Blackjack and I.
I frowned. “Well, Blackjack, talking tactics with me is about as useful as asking me how to psychologically break somepony. But… if the Timberjacks are as bad as Pine Sap says they are, and if they have connections to The Family, I want to shut them down. But I’d prefer to do it in a way that doesn’t kill innocent ponies who are trying to make a living along the way. If we have to fight, we fight like surgeons, cutting out the cancer, not like some wandering murder hobo who doesn’t care who she hurts.”
“You realize both of them carry grenades, right?” Blackjack asked, nodding back over her shoulder.
“Hey, some of these are non-lethal,” Bubblegum reminded her.
“And Caledonia taught me a spell that makes ponies go to sleepies,” Glitter added helpfully.
I looked over Bubblegum’s present armament, and had to agree with Blackjack’s initial assessment. We weren’t really equipped for surgical. Not with Bubblegum’s hunting shotgun, Blackjack’s riot shotgun, Glitter’s grenades-- oh goddesses we were equipped like murder hobos.
Blackjack leaned over and gave my shoulder a nudge, “This is gonna be fun!”
Oh goddesses… She wasn’t just equipped like a murder hobo, she actually was one!
“Okay, so, the plan is try to hurt as few ponies as possible. With our weapons. And then… we free the slaves? And profit?” I rambled anxiously. Oh. This was going to go swimmingly.
Fold was located in a picturesque little valley right next to a wide band of river flowing along the west side of the city. The woods had easily claimed more than half the structures, in some case growing up through the roofs and creating a sort of maze of ruins that was challenging to manoeuvre through. What remained of the settlement seemed to be split between a large saw mill next to the river, a town square that looked relatively open, and a few acres of green land further north. A large billboard read ‘Welcome to Fold, home of fine Equestrian hemp products!’ A relaxed-looking earth pony on the faded sign held brown cloth on one hoof, and brown rope on the other.
We were all hidden up in an old building that read ‘Tree Hugger’s Fine Herb’. The shop stunk worse than the other buildings we’d picked through so far, but it gave us a good view of the whole town. It looked like the Timberjacks and the rest of the population were working on cutting down trees. The lumber mills to the north had smoke coming out of them, and looked like they were being used!
“Huh, they’re making lumber,” Bubblegum commented as he looked out over the town with a pair of binoculars he’d pulled from his bag. “That’s… really smart. If they can get it cut up in significant quantities, that’d sell for a shiny bag of caps in plenty of places.”
“But why are they cutting down trees and restarting the lumber mill?” I asked, genuinely confused. “I thought this place was supposed to be run by awful slavers?”
Blackjack chuckled beside me. “Well, with that SPP tower over there, I bet they stopped slaving right around the time that Littlepip opened up the sky, Thren,” she said, pointing to the massive metal tower at the far north end of the valley.
“So they’re working… together?” I asked. Oh Goddess Luna forgive us! We may have just been on our way to kill innocent ponies!
Glitter Bomb frowned, shook her tail, then levitated her own pair of pink binoculars from the debris that fell from her knotted tail. “I wouldn’t be too sure of that, Threnody,” I turned to look at my friend. “Why are the earth ponies doing all the work while the unicorns stand around with guns and grumpy looks?”
I looked over the scene laid out before me through Bubblegum’s binoculars. How had I missed that? The earth ponies were a mottled and unpleasant-looking bunch in heavy flannel, denim, and leather barding that likely offered modest protection against your average unarmed labourer. There were a few with the odd pistol or varmint rifle, but most of the weapons were axes and chainsaws. The unicorns, however, wore fine looking blue and black combat armour and had clean, sharp looking carbines. The unicorns might have been outnumbered five to one by the earth ponies, but in a fight, I knew which side I’d bet on.
Up on a cat walk around the edge of the mill, I spotted a pink unicorn stallion in a fancy hat trotting along with a tall, rough brown earth pony mare with an axe strapped across her back. The unicorn wore a kind of sickly smile as he talked. The earth pony didn’t smile at all, her eyes frequently glaring out at the workers in the mill yard below her. Hmm.
“Though it is odd, now that you mention it, that the unicorns are the ones with the nice guns, and the earth ponies have the axes and chainsaws.” Bubblegum added grimly. “What are the unicorns guarding?”
“Well, they seem to like those buildings” Blackjack said simply, pointing a hoof toward a set of greenhouses. An uncomfortably large number of unicorn guards patrolled around the grounds.
“Are they just growing a lot of really yummy carrots?” Glitter Bomb offered. Blech, carrots.
“I don’t know about that, Glitter,” Bubblegum said, looking over the greenhouses. “There’s something important in there. I mean, you don’t just casually have most of your guards watch over something worthless,” He said grimly. “I mean, I don’t think they’ve got a hydra in there or anything, but there must be something worth protecting in there.”
My brain immediately snapped to rows upon rows of cherry trees. That was worth protecting!
“Who the hell would keep a hydra in a glass building?” Blackjack asked, giving Bubblegum a confused look.
“I don’t know. I heard a rumour though that there was one that was held in Flank, so… you tell me.” He replied levelly, his pink eyes meeting her red.
Blackjack’s eyes narrowed as she looked the stallion over. “Are you sure we haven’t met before?” She asked.
Bubblegum rolled his eyes. “Like I said, I’m just a boring trader,” He said, turning back to the broken window to look over the town. I didn’t like the fact that he’d just told a lie. Who was this stallion? I knew he was more than just a pretty face. And butt. Goddesses the butt…
I felt myself being picked up in Glitter’s familiar ticklish magic and set on the other side of Blackjack. I stuck my tongue out at her. “What?!” I asked. “I was just planning.” Glitter said nothing, but pointed a hoof at her eye, pointed a hoof at me, pointed a hoof at Bubblegum, and pointed a hoof at her eye. “Not that kind of planning!”
“Then what were you planning, hmm?” Blackjack asked, her voice smooth as caramel, but that familiar taught tension running through her emotions. “What’s the call, Captain?”
“We go down there and ask questions. Pose as traders.”
“If we’re traders, then what are we selling?” Blackjack countered back. “We’re sort of shy of Brahmin and wares.”
“Okay, mercs? Looking for work? I mean, Bubblegum looks mighty scary with the small arsenal he’s trotting about with,” I replied, pointing at the still-broken grenade machine gun.
“Oh yes. Very formidable,” Blackjack said with a purr at the stallion. Bubblegum blushed at the attention, and there was a purple flash, and Blackjack disappeared. The door to the store room opened a second later and Blackjack walked out with a bucket on her head and a mop draped across her shoulders. “How’d you do that?” she asked Glitter.
“Do what?” Glitter Bomb asked back, interposing herself between Blackjack and the stallion.
I’d better move this along before they duelled for Bubblegum’s honour... though if they did and took each other out, then I’d– no, no no! I blurted at once, “And we have an alicorn. I didn’t see any down there when I was looking earlier. That may weigh in our favour!”
“We have an alicorn?” Glitter asked. My hoof met my face.
“Okay. Three decently armed mercs. You could be our scout. That explains you not being armed to the teeth,” she said and gave a nod. “Want me to be in charge? I am a unicorn, after all.”
“How will they be able to tell?” Glitter Bomb mused, and then parted Blackjack’s bangs with her magic. “There it is! It's so tiny. Like a bump.”
“It’s not tiny. It’s compact,” Blackjack pouted.
“Well, with these folks, it may actually be better if you take the lead, Blackjack,” I said after a moment.
“Okay,” she said and gave a little nod. “You keep your eyes and ears open and see what you can sense. Maybe you’ll run into something we can use. Find out what the scam is and if there’s a way to fix it that doesn’t involve blowing everything up and killing everyone.” She said, then paused as she became aware of my flat look. “What?”
If her track record was any indication we’d probably end up doing exactly that. “Let’s just get moving,” I said. “And I’ll poke you if anything feels… off.”
We made our way down the cracked concrete streets toward the mill. Grass - actual live grass - was growing out between the fractured slabs. The town entrance was another trailer, and Blackjack approached it openly, all smiles and shooty looks. “Hold there!” Someone shouted, and I had the unnerving sensation of being appraised by the carbine-wielding unicorns. “Where you from?” a grey earth pony mare challenged.
“Ticklemoose,” Blackjack lied. “Not looking for trouble. Just looking for some trading and a little work.”
There was some talk between the earth ponies. “You’re a long way from the mountains,” the mare shouted.
Blackjack paused then frowned. “What are you talking about? Tickle’s on the coast.”
The guards relaxed a little bit. “Fold can always use good workers. You can exchange your caps for script at the store. Script’s the only thing we trade in,” the grey mare said. “You don’t like it, you can head off.”
“Fine. Fine,” Blackjack said. The two unicorns’ horns glowed simultaneously, and they effortlessly lifted the trailer. I was a little impressed by that. I’d only heard the Lightbringer capable of lifting something so heavy. We carefully walked through, me painfully aware that at any second it might drop and make Threnody jam. Once we were inside, the trailer was lowered back in place.
“So, any work here for a group of mercenaries?” Bubblegum asked, offering the grey mare one of his winning grins.
She actually paused and flushed a moment, before giving her head a hard shake. “Not for me to say. Talk to Buzzsaw. She’s in charge here. I’ll walk you to her,” she said and then gave Bubblegum a crooked little smile, as if she weren’t used to the expression. “Maybe get a drink later?”
I could hear Glitter Bomb’s growl like a subsonic rumble. Well, maybe Bubbles shouldn’t take her up on the drink offer...
“Sounds good,” Bubblegum answered casually. Oh goddesses he was going to die. Glitter was going to kill him. “My name’s Bubblegum. And you are?”
“Basalt. Basalt Breaker,” she said brightly, and then her eyes shifted to me, then to Blackjack, and I felt a toxic, tarry loathing from her... and something below the surface, slick and thin. Fear. “Hope you’ll be sticking around some.”
I kicked Glitter in the shin when I felt anger and jealousy rising up in my purple friend. Not now. I thought quietly. Though that loathing and fear I felt from Basalt was interesting. Was it because of Blackjack’s horn?
The dozen or so blocks of Fold was honestly one of the more prosperous and simultaneously depressing communities I’d ever seen. Most of the shops in the downtown area were flop houses, where dozens of earth ponies milled about, looking exhausted and hungry. Most were smoking pipes of dank smelling herb, cooking on little fires, and generally just waiting around. Those that weren’t, mostly Timberjacks and the well-armed unicorns, kept in tight knots in the city centre. There was a saloon of sorts, with bright and cheery music playing while the gangers relaxed within. Outside one shop was a chalk board with food prices in ‘script’. I had no idea what the exchange rate was, but the prices seemed pretty damned high. No one should charge 100 anything for a carrot! A line of hungry-looking earth ponies stretched out the front door and around the corner.
I waved a wing to a small white and brown painted earth pony foal that stared at me as Basalt led us past. Her mother quickly pulled her close as we trotted past, fear and confusion in the bay mare’s eyes. What sort of operation was this? 100 script for a carrot? 75 script for water? Water!? There’s a friggen river right there! And they were charging for water?
I trotted closer to Blackjack, and pressed my muzzled close to her ear. “Notice the difference between the earth ponies and the unicorns?” I asked, frowning. “They charge for water!”
Blackjack glanced at me then gave Basalt an easy smile. “Hey. Basalt. What’s the thing with the unicorns?”
Instant hate and dread bubbled out of our escort. “What thing?”
“Just they have some nice guns. I’ve got a good eye for them,” Blackjack said, casually.
“Don’t you never mind about them. You’re here for work. Work. Get paid. Leave if you don’t frigging like it,” she snapped. Blackjack clearly was the wrong pony to ask. She looked back at Bubblegum and gave him a little nod.
He hesitated a moment, then trotted up on the other side of Basalt. “Hey, no need to be like that, BB.” BB? He’s known this mare for two minutes and he had a frigging nickname for her? “We just want to know what’s what.”
She blinked and gave Blackjack and Glitter Bomb a cool look. “I’ll just say that if you’re a unicorn, you got nothing to worry about. That’s all I’m saying.”
“What about a pegasus?” I asked, the question tumbling out of my lips before I could stop myself. Dammit.
She blinked as if just acknowledging that fact. “Huh. Oh. Who the fuck cares?” she answered with a shrug. My ears wilted. Oh. It was that kind of town. “All that matters is you got that bump on your head. You got that, you got it made.”
“But having a bump on my head actually kinda gets in the way,” Glitter Bomb said quietly, glaring daggers at Basalt. “But I don’t think it makes me special.” She said matter of factly.
“Trust me. Folks here will think you’re plenty special. You’ll–” she suddenly froze as a golden aura seized her. I’d been grabbed by Glitter more times than was healthy, but this glow was almost like a powerful mitt of a golden paw. Her mouth was crushed shut as she struggled.
“I’m sorry,” said a sweet, cultured voice behind us. Turning, I spotted four of the unicorns standing shoulder to shoulder. Their horns all glowed with the same identical aura. “I swore I heard an earth pony acting like she gets an opinion,” said a sour mare with a cream coat and a red mane whose entire body, posture, and smile screamed ‘Cunt!’ Odd, their magic wasn't just uncannily identical in hue, it was freakishly bright, too. “I hope she doesn’t give you the wrong impression,” she said sweetly to Blackjack, their red eyes locking briefly.
Oh, I think she gave the right impression after all. I wanted to speak, but realised that right now, it was a good way to get my muzzle forced shut like poor Basalt.
“No. Now let her go,” Blackjack said at once, her voice level. The red maned mare arched a brow coolly, and Blackjack added, “Please.” She pursed her lips, then looked at the suspended Basalt. Her ruby eyes narrowed, and there was a sharp snap and a muffled scream from the mare. Then the golden glow shared by their four horns disappeared. Basalt collapsed in a heap, gritting her teeth, clearly trying not to sob as her left foreleg now had an extra joint that didn’t belong there.
I trotted over to Basalt’s side, ignoring the quartet of unicorns. Glitter followed me as I gently looked over her leg.
“You needn’t tend to her,” The lead mare said, her voice sweet as saccharine, but the emotional undertones full of disgust and sick amusement. “Earth ponies are very strong. Even with a broken limb.” She snorted, “They’re not sensitive enough feel pain like real ponies.”
I wanted to say something. I felt like I needed to say something. Who the hell did these ponies think they were, that it was okay to just snap somepony’s leg, and then look at them like they were no better than a Radroach!? I grit my teeth as I dug through my saddlebags for a healing potion despite the mare’s words. Fuck her.
“I’m a Follower,” I said sharply as I reached out and set the potion down in front of Basalt as I prepared to set her leg. Okay. I’d seen this done before, I could do it. “I heal who I choose.” I pulled out a small splint from the supplies in my saddlebags, as well as a clean cloth.
“She means she follows me around,” Blackjack amended at once. “Headstrong. Pegasus, you know,” Blackjack said, giving me a frown.
Clearly the unicorn didn’t know, but honestly didn’t care either. “Quite,” she said with a sniff. Basalt, however, was looking at me, clearly questioning my sudden altruism. And canny enough that she didn’t question me in front of the unicorns.
I passed the cloth to Basalt. “Bite down on this. This… is going to hurt for a moment.” Basalt looked at me with alarm, until I set my hoof on hers. I pictured the white hot flow of pain from her fractured bone flowing into my body, and grit my teeth as her pain flooded me. Oww. Okay. That… really hurt. Need to do that less often.
Basalt bit down on the cloth, and I tugged her leg. A sickly wet snapping sound rumbled from the limb as set back into place, and Basalt screamed around the cloth bandage. I took more of her pain, a bit of blood starting to trickle down my left leg as I tried to help deaden the worst of it. “Drink,” I rasped as I tied the splint in place. “It should be better by morning.”
The quartet of identical, or nearly identical unicorns stared at me creepily. What? What motherbuckers? I’m a bleeding pegasus who heals ponies for fun. Fuck off. I held my defiant glare a moment, then looked to Blackjack. “Sorry boss, I’ll pay you back for the supplies later.”
“No sweat,” Blackjack said, then gave the redhead mare a crooked smile. “I’m Fish. This is Thren, B.G. and G.Bomb. We’re just mercenaries looking for some good paying work.”
“Well, I know that Peculiar can always use a good unicorn. And an alicorn...” she looked at Glitter Bomb, who pulled a pair of sunglasses from her saddlebags, snapped them open, and slid them over her eyes with a disdainful little pout. The bitchy mare leered over Bubblegum, and I felt that usual desire mares and some stallions had for the colt, but then I was smacked by self-disgust at the same time. “What a waste,” she muttered, then eyed me for a second and looked away with a dismissive sniff. “Anyway, do take them to the mill without further commentary, and if you’re lucky, I won’t break another of your legs, Basalt.”
“Sure, Sweetness. No problem,” Basalt said, her voice low as she struggled to keep her fear and rage in check. The bitch’s name was Sweetness? She was about as sweet as Cinnamon was! Come to think of it, aside from the eyes, she and my least favourite batpony did look startlingly alike.
“Tah tah!” she said brightly to Blackjack, giving a cheeky smile and... oh dear goddesses, she was sincerely being nice to Blackjack. Somehow, that was even worse than her being a 24/7 cunt. She and the three stallions trotted off towards the saloon.
Basalt looked between the four of us with a mix of awe and confusion. Her blue-grey eyes settled on me. “You’re bleeding,” She said softly as she struggled to all fours. “You’re bleeding, and I don’t hurt nearly as much as I should.”
I looked down at the rent that had opened up in my left foreleg. “It’s nothing. We should probably let you take us to Buzzsaw and Peculiar,” I said, wrapping my foreleg with a bandage from my saddlebags.
Blackjack sent a shooty look in the direction of the saloon. “Hello again, Daisy,” She muttered, speaking in a cold growl that couldn’t have been doing much for Basalt’s nerves. Fear rolled off of Basalt, but the earth pony said nothing.
“I’m not very fond of the vibes I was getting from her either,” Bubblegum said, trotting over to Basalt’s left side. “Go ahead and lean on me, BB,” He offered gently. “Might as well keep that leg healing as best as it can for now.”
Glitter Bomb trotted to Basalt’s right side. “I can help support you too. I’m sorry that meanie broke your leg,” she said pointing her horn toward Basalt’s leg. A soft, glittery purple glow wrapped around the mare’s leg, and fear flared throughout Basalt’s body, but her pain deadened as Glitter cast an anaesthetic spell. “Something to make it less ouchy.”
“I… uh. Huh. Right.” Basalt said, completely bemused by what had happened. “You’re not...” she started to say, then glanced back at the unicorns and went silent.
“That’s right. We’re not from here. We’re from Ticklemoose,” Blackjack stated both firmly and gently. Basalt just eyed her sceptically, her fear diminished but not absent. “Glitter,” Blackjack said as we continued making our way to the mill. “Did you notice anything weird about those unicorns’ magic?” She asked idly.
Glitter scrunched her brow as she thought hard. “Oh! They were sorta kinda casting together! Like when we used to do television spells with Caledonia and Dry Clean Only!”
I glanced at Blackjack, confused. “What’s the big deal about that?”
Glitter gave me a very serious look. “Alicorns can only do magic together when the greenies are with us. Otherwise we can’t link our magic. We just do it alone. Blues and Purples like me need the greenies to make our spells way strongerer!” She said with a nod. “Which means if those meanies can do it, then they could be very dangerous for us.”
Blackjack nodded. “That’s what I was afraid of,” She said. “Though you may want to stop supporting her, Glitter. We’re coming up on the guard post to the mill.”
The mill was blocked by a massive chain link fence. As usual, two unicorns with their shiny black and blue combat armour stood watch as we approached. I felt like I was starting to get a sense for the town, and I didn’t like what I was feeling. A little too heavy on the side of desperation and depression for my tastes. The whole town needed heartmending. Goodness.
Basalt waved to the unicorns. “I need to bring them to see the Boss and Peculiar,” She called out. The black-clad unicorns nodded, and this time, only one pony’s horn lit up. The dark green stallion’s golden magic gently pulled on the barbed wire fence, revealing an opening for us to walk through. This time, however, the defences were on the inside of the gate. Not the outside. Weird.
We followed Basalt through the working lumber yard. All around us, ponies pulled on logs, stacked cut planks, or used axes and massive saws to saw off small limbs from the fallen trees. The entire yard smelled like wet wood and something slightly acidic. It wasn’t pleasant.
“Did somepony pee on the wood?” Glitter Bomb asked, crinkling her muzzle at the smell.
“Green wood always has a bit of an odour to it. Remember, these trees were alive until just recently,” Basalt explained as we trotted through the yard. “You get used to it after a bit. Though the yard smells amazing when we’ve gotten a load of cedar in.” I got the slightest sense of relaxation from Basalt. Like watching a string that had been pulled taut beneath the weight of a bird balancing on the line slacken as the bird took to the air.
Basalt led us up to an office labelled ‘Foremare’. She rapped on the door once, and moments later the door swung open, pink magic wrapped around the door handle. The pink stallion with a yellow mane and a very tall hat blinked at us. “Yes?” He said, surprisingly kindly, to Basalt, causing her to back up a pace. Something about this unicorn made me abruptly very wary, though he seemed to be one of the least threatening I’d seen... ever. Just a round, tubby little unicorn stallion in a top hat.
“Got some new recruits to introduce to the boss, Mister Peculiar, sir,” She said, averting her eyes and looking down at her forehooves.
The stallion snapped into a broad grin as he looked us over. Or rather, when he looked Blackjack and Glitter over. I’d expected some of the same contempt that I’d gotten from Sweetness, but there was a wrongness coming from him I’d never felt before in a pony. It was a still coldness that leaked from every pore. That happy, welcome grin might as well been made of plastic, as his mismatched eyes, one orange and the other purple, swept over each of us. I was glad he barely paid me any attention at all.
“I see. I see,” he muttered. “Well, Buzzsaw is very busy right now. Much paperwork to do, and all that,” The stallion said in a soft, almost intimate voice. I couldn’t help taking a step back. Something about him made my feathers itch, but I couldn’t quite pin down what it was. He had his mane slicked up in a pompadour style, the old top hat perched just behind the curl. Blackjack just stared at him a few seconds too long silently, so I poked Blackjack’s side.
Blackjack blinked, then gave her casual grin. “Well, surely she’d make some time for a unicorn looking to work around here. My crew are all skilled mercenaries. Even got into a little dust up with some Rangers around Portlandia on our way over here,” Blackjack said, looking down at her hoof. “So if she doesn’t want to see us…”
The pink stallion perked up at the word ‘Rangers’, his expression brightening with almost alarming rapidity. “My my, and you survived the encounter?” He asked, stepping out onto the ramp on which we stood. “That is rather impressive!”
Blackjack shrugged. “Just business. Now, are you going to let us meet Buzzsaw or not?” She asked, tossing her head in such a way that flashed her small - I mean compact - horn.
He didn’t respond at first. That grin seemed to widen into almost childish delight, “Oh. Yes. Mercenaries. Yes. Formidable mercenaries. Yes.” he said in that gentle voice. “So strange. I was certain... very very certain... that I knew any and all mercenary companies in the region capable of crossing Rangers. Yes. Very certain.” My stomach dove at once as he stared. His eyes met mine and I felt... it was an intrusion of some sort. It made my stomach clench, and for just an instant his smile faltered.
It returned to his face just as swiftly as it had left. “Oh, pardon my manners. I am Peculiar, Miss Buzzsaw’s... advisor,” He said, nodding slowly. “I advise her to do this. I advise her to do that. I am good with advice.” He purred and nodded again. “Very good. She leads the Timberjacks, you know. I simply advise.” He then swept his gaze at Basalt. “Why, whatever happened to your leg?” he said, the concern in his voice just as flat and superficial as his friendliness.
Basalt didn’t answer immediately, so Glitter Bomb piped up, “One of your meanies named Sweetness broke it!”
“Oh my! Did she?” Peculiar asked with a gasp of shock. Basalt still didn’t answer.
“You bet she did!” Glitter insisted. “Tell her!”
Basalt shrank a bit at Peculiar’s words. “It- It was an accident, Peculiar,” The grey earth pony mare said, taking a few steps back from the pink unicorn. She felt like she was half expecting Peculiar to snap her healing leg.
“Basalt?” Gitter asked, ears drooping.
“My. Well, I do hope you don’t have any more. A mare can only suffer so many... accidents,” he replied, his warm smile returned immediately, as if he were swapping one mask for another. “Well, I’ll take them the rest of the way. They won’t be any... trouble...”
His orange and purple eyes shot to me, of all ponies, and I felt my stomach clench again. Basalt gave a jerky nod and turned, limping away down the hall. “Well, do come in!” Peculiar said, stepping out of the way to let us into Buzzsaw’s office.
The inside was decorated with what I assumed was local timber. It smelled like cedar, and the lovely fragrance made the wood decorated office feel much more ‘homey’ somehow. Every piece of furniture looked like it had been hoof carved or hewn from one of the massive trees that the mill was working on outside. Seated behind the office’s more ornate desk was a very stressed and grumpy looking earth pony mare. She wore her slate grey mane in dreadlocks that hung over her right shoulder, and like so many other Timberjacks, she wore red flannel that clashed horribly with her dusky lavender coat.
“Miss Buzzsaw,” Peculiar said, causing the mare to look up at us. “Basalt was kind enough to escort this group of fine ponies to see you. Apparently, they are looking for work. They are mercenaries. Yes. Fine mercenaries. They took out some Rangers. Outside Portlandia. Isn’t that interesting?” he murmured.
“Don’t you have some prisoners to interrogate?” the mare snapped.
“I do. Did. Done. They don’t know who’s behind the sabotage, though one acted on his own,” he said evenly. “I was just jotting down my notes when these...” He turned, giving us that gleeful grin a moment before finishing, “impressive mercenaries... arrived.”
“I’ll talk with him. Spell things out,” Buzzsaw scowled.
“Oh,” he blinked in momentary surprise. “Oh, dear. I’m afraid he’s in no condition for spelling, miss. Or talking. Or thinking. He’s still breathing though. Yes. Breathing. I suppose. Possibly.” He nodded once. “In a fashion.”
“Damn it, Peculiar! That’s not your call,” she roared, rising to her hooves. His mask didn’t slip, but I could feel the chillness grow inside him. “Go find whoever’s sabotaging my mill. I’ll deal with these mercenaries.”
“Don’t you want me to stick around? For advice? I can be very sticky, if you like,” he said with a faux expression of hurt.
“I want you to do your job. Now find that saboteur. And be quick. I got a headache!” she muttered, rubbing her temple.
He was silent for several seconds. “Of course. Of course. I understand. I’ll find them. I will. It’s just a matter of time. And knee caps. And loved ones. Some one will talk. I’m sure of it.” He paused and gave me another long look that felt as if he were disassembling me, oozing that cold emotion I couldn’t identify. I raised my emotional shields. Something in the way he looked at me, something in those mismatched eyes, made me want to run as far away from him as possible. Then he smiled like a foal amused by a puzzle, and never more had I wanted to teleport out of here like now.
“Peculiar. Out!” Buzzsaw snarled. “And do keep my workforce capable of working. Ponies with broken legs are of no use to me.” She said bitterly. “Especially if their legs are broken by my second in command and not by a tree falling on them. Accidents are one thing. Your kind of accidents are another entirely. Now git.”
The coldness inside Peculiar solidified into ice. But he continued to smile as he bowed his head. “Yes, yes. Out. Getting out. Nopony wants poor Peculiar’s help.” He said, pouting at Buzzsaw as he sulked sullenly out the door. He gazed at me one last time before he left, and I had to resist the feeling of pushing back against him emotionally. That would have been more draining than what it was worth.
Blackjack waited until the door clicked closed to speak. “That is one creepy motherfucker,” she said dryly.
Buzzsaw snorted in amusement, and shook her head as she looked us over. She seemed less impressed by Blackjack and Glitter, and more impressed by me and Bubblegum. Okay, maybe it was just Bubblegum. Yet again I was getting overlooked.
“So, you’re mercs? How the hell am I supposed to use mercs?” She asked, looking at us all in turn.
“Well, at the moment,” Bubblegum said, smiling at the mare and turning up the charm, “it sounds to me like you could use some help looking into little acts of sabotage. Just so happens we’ve got ways to look into things that don’t involve broken kneecaps.”
Buzzsaw seemed unimpressed by Bubblegum’s charms, but his offer to look into the sabotage appeared to give her pause. “Alright, what’s your angle?” She asked, looking us over, distrust clouding her general grumpiness. “Did the Family send you?”
Blackjack shook her head. “Nope. Like I told Basalt and Peculiar, we’re mercenaries looking for work. Came from Ticklemoose by way of Portlandia. Figured that being out in Fold might offer a bigger challenge than what we had back in the ‘Moose.”
Buzzsaw let out another huff through her nose, then shrugged. “You got caps to pay for a place to stay? I know you sure as hell don’t got the script for it,” She asked, eyeing us. “Don’t know if we have anywhere that’ll fit you, big missy,” She said, her eyes shifting to Glitter Bomb.
“I’m used to small beds, miss Sawblade. I just cuddle with Bubblegum and that seems to work,” Glitter said innocently, though Bubblegum blushed at her admission of their closeness.
“Well, small beds we got. Or leastwise we’ve got a place where you can flop.” Buzzsaw said, looking over Blackjack and I. “Though I reckon that you’ll probably get a better place to stay than most of the newbies around here. Not sure where to put the little one. She looks like she’d get eat up by any of the hungry stallions around here. Cute little thing like that’d be mighty popular.”
“She’s mine.” Blackjack said, putting a foreleg around me as she gave Buzzsaw a shooty look. Ugh, there was that fluttery feeling again. “Where I go, she goes. Pegasi. Gotta keep them on a short leash.” Now just who are you planning on putting on a leash, Blackjack?!
Buzzsaw waved a hoof dismissively. “Fine. Go meet with Basalt, she can get your caps exchanged for script. Then show up here tomorrow morning. We’ll fill you in on getting into our little sabotage mystery. Maybe you’ll be a sight better at it than his royal pompousness.” She said derisively. “Now git.”
A few hours later we found ourselves ‘relaxing’ in the town’s only saloon. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure why Blackjack insisted it was the best way for us to get the lay of the land, but between our supply of caps and salvage from Three Rivers, we were able to get a decent amount of script. More than enough to buy a nice meal from the saloon, though none of us ordered alcohol.
All around us, unicorns and gangers milled about, but rarely together. The earth ponies stayed on one side of the bar. The unicorns the other. With some exceptions. A few of the unicorns had swapped their shiny uniforms for the standard flannel and denim apparel of the Timberjacks.
“So, not every unicorn drank the punch,” Bubblegum murmured as he looked around the saloon. The big earth pony was getting a lot of envious looks from the stallions in the cafe. A few amorous ones, too. Glitter was growling at just about every mare that got close to our table. I worried that this might not be the best place to be.
“Yeah, looks like it. Which means there’s something up between the Timberjacks and the Family,” Blackjack said, sipping on a way overpriced Sparkle~Cola. “Wonder if that’s got anything to do with the acts of sabotage around the mill, mmm?” She asked, her red eyes falling on me.
I shrugged, having honestly been paying more attention to the fact that I was half expecting Glitter to work herself up into such a jealous lather that she’d start hissing at every pony that even looked in Bubbles’ general direction. “Hmm? Oh. Maybe? I don’t know,” I admitted distractedly.
Blackjack looked at me, looked at Glitter, then looked back at me. She let out a long suffering sigh. “Glitter Bomb, do you mind walking with me to the little filly’s room?”
Glitter blinked. “What? Oh! Um, sure thing!” She stood up and followed after Blackjack.
Bubblegum watched the pair leave, then turned back to me. “Why do mares always go together when they need to, you know, go?”
“Moral support,” I said with a smirk, then sighed. “Okay, so, I have a question for you, Bubbles. A few, actually, but I’m gonna start off with one if that’s okay?”
“Okay, shoot.”
“What are your plans for Glitter?”
Bubblegum was mid sip on his glass of water and sputtered. “I… wait, what? My plans for her?”
I gave him a flat look. “Look, it’s obvious she’s sweet on you. I’m just asking. As a friend. I want to make sure you aren’t going to hurt her.”
“Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but she’s an alicorn. I don’t know if I could hurt her if I tried!” Bubblegum said. He raised a hoof at my irritated expression. “That said, I do like her. She’s…” he scratched the back of his head with a hoof. “Honestly, she’s adorable. She’s sweet. She’s silly. But she’s got an inner fire that I kinda find endearing, even if she doesn’t know what strength she has.”
I nodded along with Bubblegum’s words. Okay, he was doing well so far.
“I just… I don’t know what to do in situations like this. I’ve never had a filly interested in me. Let alone somepony as gorgeous as Glitter.” My respect went up for Bubblegum by about ten points at that admission. “So that’s why I’ve been more or less not making a move. That and I’m afraid Blackjack might kill me.”
Despite myself, I started laughing brightly. “I’m pretty sure that Blackjack would just threaten to kill you. Not actually kill you. Probably.” I frowned, not liking that thought. “Anyway, I just wanted to know where you stood with her.” I shrugged, blushing slightly. “Gotta look out for my friend and all that.”
Bubblegum nodded sagely, a blush on his cheeks as well. “I just kinda haven’t had the right time to, you know, ask if she wants to go on a date or something. We’ve been so busy travelling, it’s… kinda hard to ask a filly out for a drink. You know?”
I really couldn’t argue with him there. “Well, okay then. Just, you know, let us know when you do! I mean, we kinda like to know these things!”
Bubblegum snorted. “As if Glitter would keep it a secret for very long anyways…”
“Honestly though, Bubblegum, just be careful with her,” I cautioned. “She may have the body of a mare, but she’s… pretty much our age mentally. She’s just now figuring out that stallions look nice and smell good and have really stro-” I coughed into my hoof to shut myself up. “Just be gentle with her, okay?”
Bubblegum nodded again. “I will. Now, you said that you had more questions for me? Any reason why you’re trying to get info out of the token colt in the party?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows at me.
I rolled my eyes. “Earlier, when you told Blackjack that you hadn’t met before? Why did you lie?”
Bubblegum’s pink eyes immediately hardened. “I didn’t lie,” he said, but his body language and the strong sense of dread that radiated off of him like a foul smell on a hot day told me otherwise.
“No, you lied. I can feel it, remember? What’s so wrong about you meeting somepony you thought was Blackjack?” I asked.
Bubblegum was silent a moment as he contemplated me, his pink eyes darting about as he studied me. Finally, he spoke. “Because I don’t think that what you said about her looking like Security is true. I think she is Security.” He said softly.
Surprise rippled across my face as I widened my eyes. “Psh, why would you think that?” I said, trying to sound dismissive and not anxious.
“Because I was there in Chapel when she was in a blank body before. This isn’t the first time that Security’s soul wasn’t in her body. Her living body may have been destroyed when the giant space rock fell on her, but what’s to say her soul didn’t migrate again?” He asked, his eyes not letting mine look away. “And she reacted very, very strongly to the mention of miss Morning Glory. Mares that don’t have a connection to her wouldn’t have said what she did. Wouldn’t have gotten so bent out of shape over me mentioning her kindness. And if she didn’t at least know a few things about Security, she probably wouldn’t be making comments about how my skill with a grenade rifle must be ‘an earth pony thing’.” He said seriously.
I didn’t know what to say. Anxiety clawed at my insides as I fought for words to fight- no- to deny his disturbingly accurate assessment of the situation. This wasn’t what I wanted at all! He and Glitter weren’t supposed to know that Blackjack was really, well, Blackjack!
“You know, you sitting there silent and staring at me like I just turned into a Hellhound ain’t exactly making me think I got the wrong idea,” Bubblegum said after a long moment. “She is Security, isn’t she?”
I tried to find a way to deny it. I really, really didn’t want Bubblegum wrapped up in all of this. I didn’t have any right to!
“How long have you suspected?” I heard myself whisper. It was weird, feeling like I was watching the scene happen without it actually happening to me.
Bubblegum gave me a small smile. “Since she hit it on the head that I hated being alone. I mean, Blackjack was an honorary member of the Crusaders. I was a Crusader during the battle of the Hoof, but I ran off after the big fight ended. Most of my friends died during the fighting, or got adopted by older ponies. I didn’t have anyone. So when I saw her in my house, when I heard her speak, when I watched her teleport over to me in a blink… I remembered.”
“I remembered a mare getting up on a makeshift stage, and begging for all of us to believe that she was Security. That she’d had her soul transferred to a blank body. I watched as she guzzled down taint like it was Brahmin milk.” He tossed his head, letting his long, luxurious pink mane fall over his shoulders. “Nopony ever did say what happened to her blank body once she got the cyberized one back.”
Mostly because that was supposed to be one of the most closely guarded secrets in the Hoof. Good job, Threnody. Way to fuck up and find the one pony in the whole goddess damned wasteland that remembered Blackjack when she was in her blank body the first time.
“Luna fuck me with the moon,” I muttered, rubbing my temples as I watched Blackjack and Glitter approach from the filly’s room. “We’ll pick this up later.”
Bubblegum nodded, and politely stood to offer to pull out Glitter Bomb’s stool for her to sit.
Oh brother…
I flopped down hard on the bed in the room Blackjack had rented. I’d already endured more than a few lewd comments about how I must be ‘Fish’s pet pegasus’ before we got to the third floor of what had once been a rather nice hotel, but I was tired, worn out, and my hooves hurt from trotting so much.
“Ugh! Why did I decide to make my life so complicated?!” I asked, rolling onto my back and pulling a pillow over my head.
“Because you like complicated?” Blackjack asked nonchalantly, and I felt the mattress move next to me as she got onto the bed.
I groaned, then bapped her in the face with the pillow. “No, I don’t like complicated. Especially when said complicated makes an already complicated thing even more complicated!”
“Sounds complicated.”
I regretted not having more things to throw at her when I opened my eyes and looked over at her impish grin. “Blackjack, I’m serious!”
“Oh, I’m sure it’s seriously complicated,” She said with a giggle, sticking her tongue out at me.
I groaned and rolled off the bed. Using a hoof, I pulled down the zipper of my barding. No sense in trying to sleep in something that had hard metal plates bound in leather! I felt Blackjack’s light touch of magic help me wriggle out of the tight barding. “I really do mean that it’s kind of complicated.”
I crawled onto the bed, and pressed my face into a surprisingly clean pillow. “Bubblegum knows you’re Security,” I said quietly.
Blackjack was silent for a moment. “Huh. I thought the story about me being mistaken for her was an easy sell!”
I sighed, shaking my head. “Well, it would have been, for like, Glitter Bomb. She didn’t know you before a week ago. But Bubblegum was in Chapel with the Crusaders. I guess he was one of the colts that watched you when you were in your blank body the first time.”
I shot up in alarm at the wave of nostalgia, loss, sorrow, and self-hate that surged off of Blackjack. I worried I was about to get washed away by the torrent of black, blue, and boiling emotions that splashed about our small hotel room. She grit her teeth and then at once, everything was calm.
“Blackjack?”
She shook her head as she looked down at her hoof. Her red and black mane seemed to wilt a bit as she spoke. “You know, it would be that everything we encounter out here reminds me of what happened. You being like Glory. Glitter being like Lacunae. Bubblegum literally being a ghost from my past, who also happens to have a fantastic ass like P-21,” She said, shaking her head. “Is this what my future is going to be like? Just, watching echoes of those I’ve lost float in and out of my life?”
“I don’t think we’re echoes, Blackjack. I mean, we’re each our own pony. Sure, there are some similarities! Glitter is a purple alicorn. I’m a pegasus. Bubblegum is a hot earth pony. But think of our differences. Lacunae was never as bright and cheery as Glitter is, right?” I asked, trying to fight back the tide of sticky black depression that flowed from her side of the bed.
“Lacunae... was... good. She was such a good person,” Blackjack muttered as she laid on her back on the bed. “The best. She was what the Goddess could have been. What she should have been. All the compassion. All the love. All the regret. All the kindness. ‘Flensed away and shoved into one body and one brain so the rest didn’t have to be tormented by what they were.’” She sniffed as she shook her head. “Glitter’s good too. A good filly who’s going to be a good mare, if she doesn’t get broken first.” She rubbed her eyes. “Goddesses, I hope I don’t break her on this stupid trip.”
“You’re afraid for us?” I asked.
She nodded. “I’m taking you out into the goddess damned wasteland like this is some field trip. I’m an idiot,” she hissed softly, then slumped. “But it was the only way I could help you.”
“Help me?” I asked, my eyebrows shot up. “Blackjack, I was there to help you.”
She snorted with a dismissive wave of her hoof. “Yeah, yeah. Help Security before she goes crazy and kills everyone. Cinnamon was right. I cause way more harm than good. Now I’ve taken you and Glitter here and part of me wants to go home, and the other part wants to walk out there, announce who I am, and slaughter everyone who tries to come at me just so the threat is gone.”
Or she was dead. “We’re not foals. Bubblegum seems to know what he’s doing,” I assured her, but she was little assured. “Why’d you want to help me?”
She closed her eyes. “Security saves ponies,” she muttered. “Only you weren’t going to be fixed with a couple of ruts till you noticed your co-worker was in love with you.”
Well, no. If Blackjack had tried to rut me that would have ended with her with a bloody nose and me likely banned from Star House. I knew that sex wasn’t the answer. You didn’t have to be a heartmender to realise that sexual healing wasn’t a thing. I wondered if the reason why Blackjack had this almost obsessive need to make sex a healing tool was related to just how fucked up things were in Stable 99. If you hate sex, the last thing you want is more of it! It puzzled me that she didn’t seem to understand that.
“Sandalwood was an easy fix. Sort of. Slate, never really thought there was much wrong with him. If we’d stayed, eventually I would have driven you off, or worse, and then I’d be trapped there with my memories.” She opened her eyes, staring into the past, “Only I’m still here with my memories. I wonder when we’ll pick a foal like Scotch Tape, or a bruiser like Rampage. Basalt kind of fit the bill, wouldn’t you say?”
“You want to add another mare to Bubblegum’s harem?” I teased, hoping to break her out of the spiraling emotions sucking her down.
It worked. I got a laugh. “No. Just... I don’t want to get you all killed,” she said swallowing hard. “I really, really don’t want to get you all killed.”
“And we don’t want to be killed,” I assured her. “We’re being careful, Blackjack.”
“Yeah.” she said as she rolled over onto her side and faced away from me. “Anyway, sleep with your gun tonight.”
I blinked, “What? Why?”
“Cause odds are, somepony’s going to try and kill us. Either Peculiar for us not being fun, because Buzzy finds out who I really am and freaks, or whomever she sent us to hunt down tries to take us out first. If there’s trouble, roll off into that gap between the bed and wall, and shoot from under the bed,” she said as she gestured to the small space between the bed and the wall. “Good night,” she said brightly.
I punched her in the shoulder. “That. Is. Not. Funny!” I said, punctuating each word with a thrust of my hoof. “I get what you’re saying. I get that this isn’t a safe place. I get that we probably painted a fucking target on our backs by being the newbies here. But…” I paused, thinking about what I’d felt when we were in the same room as Peculiar. “Blackjack? Are unicorns able to like, passively probe the minds of other ponies, like is there a spell for it?”
“You do realise you are asking the worst unicorn in the wasteland about magic, right?”
I sighed. “I know you aren’t the best caster, Blackjack. I never asked that. I just… I dunno. There’s something about Peculiar that gave me the creeps. Like he was trying to get at me.”
Blackjack rolled over to face me. “I suppose it’s possible. I mean, are you sure it’s not just cause he’s a creepy motherfucker?” She asked, her red eyes searching mine for something.
“It’s… just a feeling,” I admitted. “I can’t prove it. He just feels really, really wrong. So I wanted to rule out magic before I went with the idea that maybe he’s just… wrong.”
She snorted at me. “Well, I’ve met enough ponies that were just wrong that if someone creeps me out or seems dangerous, generally I assume that they are. And I prepare to handle them accordingly.”
I nodded, and lay my head down on the pillow. I turned over, then scooted close to Blackjack.
“Ackpth! Feathers! In face! Why!?” She sputtered as my wings worked against me when my rump came in contact with her warm belly.
“I’m sorry!” I squeaked. “I just wanted to cuddle!” I admitted, poking my forehooves together as I pulled my wings flat against my back.
I had a hard time putting names to the emotions that rolled off of Blackjack, but I chose to focus on the affection she felt for me as her forelegs wrapped around my barrel and she pulled me close to her. My heart fluttered in my chest as her closeness made me relax. Which was weird. Normally I didn’t want her this close. But right now, it was okay.
“You know,” she whispered into my ear, her warm breath washing over me as she spoke. “You being this close to me would make it very hard for you to shoot back at anypony that tried anything tonight.”
I sighed. “Well, then it’s your job to kill them with your brain, and let me keep on sleeping!” I suggested helpfully. I was rewarded with a tickle to my belly. “Ack! No!”
Blackjack chuckled, pulling me close once again. “That’s what smart mouthed little pegasus mares get when they act all cheeky.” I didn’t need to turn to face her to see her smirk. “Though come to think of it, you are a lot lighter than Glory was. It would be a lot easier to toss you around if things got… interesting,” I knew from her tone she wasn’t referring to throwing me in the corner between the bed and the wall.
“Not tonight, Blackjack,” I groaned, closing my eyes as I pressed myself closer to her.
“Tomorrow night then?”
Goddammit Blackjack. Not tomorrow night either.
… But maybe if you behave it’ll happen sometime. Maybe. Wait. No! I didn’t want to be thinking about this right now! I was trying to sleep!
“Wow, Thren. You really have a problem with those wings when you’re around me, don’t you?”
Luna, if you are truly a merciful goddess, please kill me in my sleep.
“An honourable mare restores dignity to others.” Ministry of Peace Mare Fluttershy at the opening of the Hoofington Centre for Wartime Stress Disorders, 4 years prior to war’s end.
I woke to the sound of birds. It was an odd, delicate melody that in all of my travels, I’d never experienced before. One that was completely unfamiliar in the dry, dead parts of the wasteland. I flicked my ear as I listened to the light tweeting, grateful that the morning came without Blackjack’s predicted firefight. The scent of pancakes wafted in from somewhere. Blackjack must have opened the window last night, letting in the smells from the saloon in town drift into our room. The bed was warm, and cozier than I’d remembered it being. Maybe I was just too tense last night to appreciate it.
Or maybe beds just always felt better when you first woke up, because honestly, who wants to get out of them?
I felt Blackjack’s lips moving across my cheek. A slow line of kisses trailed their way up my muzzle, to my forehead, to my temple. I opened my eyes as her warm mouth wrapped itself around my pinna. Well that was… different. Not bad. Just different.
“Good morning to you, too,” I said airily, barely able to keep my eyes open at the lovely feeling of her mouth on my ear, her teeth lightly nibbling their way along its sensitive rim. I felt like I was wrapped in a comforting blanket. Was there a blanket on the bed last night? Or had Blackjack put one over me?
Why was I thinking about blankets when she was nibbling on my ear? Shouldn’t this be relaxing? This was what ponies who liked each other did, right?
“I figured you needed a better wake up call than the sun hitting your eyes,” She purred, pressing her chest down against my back in such a way that it pinned me to the bed.
Momentary panic fluttered in my chest as I realised I couldn’t move. “Why... is... ears?” I asked, trying to keep the anxiety out of my voice. She felt amazing. Her mouth felt really nice, but I didn’t like being pinned.
At once, the aroma of pancakes became a sickeningly sweet reek. The soothing birdsong rose to a cacophonous symphony of skull-splitting disharmonies. The soft blanket started to catch and constrict, like the belt that Blackjack had strapped my wings down with all those days ago.
“You use them the most,” She said simply, planting a kiss on my left ear. Her mouth moved to my right ear, and as she shifted her weight, more pressure pressed me down into the bed.
This was the opposite of what I wanted! I coughed as her weight upon me made it hard to breathe. I tried to flail my wings, wiggle a hoof, anything just to let her know that she was very, very slowly crushing the life out of me! But she didn’t move. She never moved. Why didn’t she just get off of me?!
“Little heartmenders always listen too much. Yes, too much,” She cooed.
It felt like the weight of the mattress was sitting on top of me. There was no way Blackjack weighed that much. She wasn’t a cyberpony anymore. Why did she feel so heavy? Why was she doing this!?
I looked up at Blackjack as best I could. That didn’t sound like Blackjack at all. My eyes searched hers, and for the briefest moment, they shifted from her familiar red to Peculiar’s mismatched orange and purple.
I tried to scream. I tried to say something to get him out! But my mouth was made of cotton, and the Blackjack he puppeteered smirked as his hoof ran up my cheek.
“My, aren’t you a fun little toy? Seems like those mental shields don’t work when you’re asleep, do they, toy?”
I awoke breathless, and found myself flailing out of bed and into the corner that Blackjack had instructed me to hide in. I curled up as best I could, wrapping my wings around my small frame as I struggled to steady my breathing. I needed to be as small as possible. Then, just maybe, whatever horrible creature that had entered my dreams wouldn’t see me. What was I running from? All I knew was fear, and fear kept me in my corner of safety.
“Threnody,” Blackjack said softly from somewhere above me. I felt myself curl tighter into the corner at the softness of her speech, flinching at the sound of my name. Confusion and hurt rippled over me, and I lifted my head from beneath my wing as she peered down at me with what I interpreted as a mix of concern and understanding. Seeing her red eyes made me duck back down beneath my wing again. I was awake. They’d stay red. I was awake. I was awake!
“I am awake, right?” I asked, my voice quavering far more than I’d intended it to.
Blackjack nodded, staying rooted where she was. “You want to talk about it?” She asked, folding her forehooves over each other as she rested her chin on the back of her left hoof. “Sometimes that helps get a nightmare out of your head.”
I wanted to cry. I wanted to run. I didn’t want to be in the room with the monster from my dreams. I shook my head. “Just… stay there for now.”
Hurt and self loathing rolled off of Blackjack in waves, but she obeyed. I tucked my head between my hind legs as I hid under my wings. Eventually, my heart rate slowed, and my breathing steadied. When I could finally think again, I met her concerned red eyes. My heart began racing again as I looked deep into those sanguine orbs, waiting for them to shift from battlefield to nightmarish circus.
“That bad?” She asked.
I swallowed, and nodded. “I… saw Peculiar’s eyes show up in my dream,” I admitted, surprising myself with my honesty. “Well, rather, I saw his eyes in your eyes. That’s what scared me the most.”
Blackjack’s cinnabar eyes turned hard as I spoke, and I found the familiar shooty look all the more comforting. I allowed myself a moment to put up more emotional defenses. It might make it harder for me to get a read on other ponies today, but right now, I wanted to be a fortress against what the world could throw at me. I relaxed my wings as Blackjack’s emotions of concern and righteous anger ebbed away to nothingness as my defenses rose.
“So was this a nightmare, or was it something more?” She asked calmly, though even without my 6th sense, I could tell it was a little too calmly. “Do you think Peculiar was doing something in your brain?”
I didn’t want to think about it. It made my stomach twist to remember it. “I think so. In the end... he talked about heartmender shields. That... I don’t think that’s a coincidence. It felt off.”
Blackjack nodded slowly. “Have you ever fought in a mindscape before?”
“A what?”
Blackjack gave a little laugh. “Shit...” she muttered shaking her head. “It’s like a place inside your head, symbolic of your mind and stuff.” she gave a little, crooked smile. “Scary that I have vocabulary for this, isn’t it?”
“Probably not nearly as scary as your mindscape. I can see it now: a wasteland of whiskey bottles, dildoes, and porno mags,” I said with a small, teasing grin. Surprisingly, I felt a little stab of hurt from her at my quip, and quickly moved on. “But in all seriousness, yes, it’s a little scary that this is something you know about and I don’t. It’s… probably because you’re a unicorn and I’m not. Heartmenders… feel? But we can’t see into the mind. Well, maybe Sandalwood could, but she’s got magic for that.”
“Actually, it’s more like I’ve dealt with a lot of weird shit. Like a computer locking me in my own mind. Or the Eater,” she said evenly, all mirth gone. “Good news is that Peculiar’s either sloppy, arrogant, or stupid. Or you’re tougher than he thought. Anyway, you can fight in a mindscape, if you’re aware of it. If you want it enough.”
It took me a moment to process the idea of being trapped in one’s own mind for any period of time. Mine was not a place I wanted to be for any longer than I needed. That’s why I solved other pony's problems. It meant I could avoid mine for that much longer!
“I became aware of him being there rather slowly. It was like he wanted me to keep believing in the dream. Until everything seemed to be… too much? I just thought it was… er…” I blushed bright red. “I just thought it was real.”
“That’s the first trick, and I’m glad you noticed that it wasn’t. Most of the time I was attacked, they tried to make it seem normal. Like a dream. Something I wanted to believe, but there were always little mistakes and flaws. If you notice them, you have to start pushing back. That’s the second step.” It was a little scary how coolly she was taking this. And she hadn’t teased me for what I dreamed. I narrowed my eyes at her, not sure if I was pushing or not, but I was giving myself a doozy of a headache. Then she leaned in and licked my nose. I staggered back and fell over and she chuckled, “I’m real, Thren.”
Her being real wasn’t the issue. Not really. I was getting to know Blackjack well enough to realise that there was much, much more to her than she wanted to let on. But at the same time, the lack of teasing was disconcerting. Then again, would I want her to be teasing me? I wasn’t even sure I’d wanted her nibbling on my ear in my dream. There was a part of me that was screaming ‘what the fuck’ when she’d mentioned how her mindscape duels had always started out with things that she’d desired. But… Blackjack? Did I want her? I wasn’t so sure of that.
I shook myself, then wiped my nose off with the back of a hoof. “Okay, fine. I know you’re real. Dream Blackjack would have tried to woo me with pancakes or something.” I said, trying to subvert my fear with humour. “So… how do I fight back? I’m an empath. I mean, I guess in theory I could push emotions back on other ponies. But I’ve never done it. Is it anything like that?” I asked, cocking an ear to the side.
“Maybe. I had to do it two ways. First is just wanting it more, and asserting yourself over the mindscape. It's your head after all. You should be in charge of it. A hoofkick in a dream is a rejection of what you’re dreaming. Reject them till they’re out of it.” She said soberly, “But if you’re not stronger, and you can’t get control, then you have to be smart. You have to find a way out, or use who they are against them. It’s not easy, but the more you can assert your will and undermine theirs, the more control you have. Eventually you find a way to kick them out, or wake up.”
Assert my will? How the hay was I supposed to do that? I could barely assert my will in the waking, real world! “I… I don’t know if I can do that directly,” I fretted, fidgeting my wings. “I mean, what I know of treating ponies with trauma is that the idea is to take your power back. But… I never really understood how to do that. How ponies did that. I just, hoped they’d find a way.” I paused a moment, then looked her in the eyes. “After what happened on the Seahorse, how did you get your power back?”
She pursed her lips a moment. “I never quite lost it. I’m lucky I’m a pervert,” she said with a little shrug. “I wanted them to rape me, because then they weren’t doing it to Scotch. That would have broken me, if they’d found her. So that little victory was something that kept me together. Still, I was... sensitive to stallions. I kept overreacting. Lashing out. I didn’t want to kill them just because one looked at me wrong. I found a nice stallion that seemed amenable and I deliberately, willfully, had sex with him. When I proved to myself I could do that without killing him, I put most of what happened on the Seahorse behind me.” She took a deep breath. “Now what happened after I gassed 99... that’s power I’ll never get back.”
It made a sick sort of sense that Blackjack would find some healing power in somepony’s cock. But I also knew it was more than that, and let out a sigh. “I… see. That’s the unforgivable sin, eh?”
“99 was the first failure where I lost something that was mine. I’d screwed up before, but the loss was always something else, or someone else. But 99,” she paused and shook her head. “I can rationalize it, but it’s not something I’ll ever be over. I think if I ever am, I’ll be a real monster.” She gave me a half smile. “I’ve learned to deal with it. I think that’s the best I’ll ever manage.”
That was surprisingly insightful, all things considered. “I… think the Heartmenders can live with that, if you can,” I said with a small smile. “To be honest, I can see why you’d never get over something like that. Like you said, you don’t want to become a monster and let the wasteland win.”
She sighed and I felt those toxic emotions returning. She swapped topics before I could. “About Peculiar...”
Ugh, not something I wanted to return to. “Is avoiding him like the creepy plague he is an option?” I asked, hoping to defuse the situation with humour.
“Maybe. I don’t know how he got in your head, or how powerful he is. If you can’t fight him off, we’re going to have to do something.” She paused, rubbing her chin. “Do you want me to take him out?”
I shook my head. Good old Blackjack, eliminating threats first before thinking of the consequences. “No,” I said, my voice quavering again. “We need to figure out what his role is here. Yes, he is a creepy motherfucker. Yes, I’m scared that he can actually get into my head and that it was not just a nightmare. But we don’t know what his angle is. I don’t want him in my head, but I also don’t want him hurting more ponies. You saw how he threatened Basalt Breaker the other day. ‘One can only have so many accidents’.”
Blackjack nodded, then smiled. “So, what do you want to do, Captain?” she asked, smirking at me as she reminded me of the weight on my shoulders.
“I want to make sure that Bubblegum and Glitter are okay. Then I want breakfast. And… we should probably check in with Basalt about what we can do to solve the sabotage mystery. Maybe talk to Buzzsaw about the ‘saboteurs’. Maybe we can interview them ourselves.”
“And do what, exactly?” Blackjack asked.
I frowned. I wasn’t sure. “Maybe hear their side of the story? Nothing in this place makes any sense. Why the Timberjacks are putting up with the Family. Why the earth ponies are starving. Why a carrot costs 100 script!”
“Fear, greed, and greed?” She offered, rolling off the bed. Her horn sparked to life as she levitated her barding onto herself. “Probably not that simple, huh?”
I shot her an irritated look. “Why are the earth ponies letting the unicorns be in charge? Most of the workers look like they’re lucky to get one square meal a day. If that! And if the exchange rates between caps and script is as bad as I think it is…” I shook my head. “I just want to know more about what is going on. What I see – and what I feel – I don’t like.”
“Maybe it’s as simple as ‘unicorns rule and earth ponies drool’?”
“...”
“Didn’t think so…”
With that, we headed outside. The world outside of the hotel room was still there, but it was less sunny and bright than it had been in my dream. Somehow finding an overcast waking world made it easier to forget about my nightmare. At least some things didn’t change. I followed Blackjack down the flight of stairs we’d taken to get to our rented room. As usual, our other two intrepid partners in crime were sleeping late. Or maybe Blackjack and I were just up early. Without a pipbuck, it was kind of hard to tell.
“Five more minutes!” Glitter Bomb whined as she tried desperately to bury her face under Bubblegum’s side as we opened the door and let the day in on the pair. Bubbles just threw a pillow in our direction.
“You say that every morning, Glitter!” I said, trotting into their room as I tried to find edge to the hotel’s faded curtains. Instead of curtains, I found a very, very angry radroach. Shrieking, I dove away from the hissing mutated insect.
Squish.
Without opening his eyes, Bubblegum had managed to hit the end of his grenade rifle, causing it to flip end over end and come down hard upon the radroach, crushing its carapace with a sickly crackle as the heavy weapon landed.
Blackjack snorted. “Earth ponies,” She muttered, frowning as she lit her horn. “Come on you two. You can rut yourselves unconscious later. Day’s a wasting.”
“I’ll have you know that I have been a perfect gentlecolt,” Bubblegum said, groaning as he rolled off of the musty old bed and onto all fours. If somepony was really quiet, they would have heard the sound of an exasperated mare coming from Glitter.
Blackjack and I exchanged glances, and chuckled as Glitter moaned and schlepped herself out of bed. “I hate mornings. Luna is the best princess. Down with Celestia!” She muttered before pressing her massive forehead against mine.
“Come on, sleepyhead. Let’s get breakfast. We’ve got a big day ahead of us,” I replied, patting her right cheek.
“Plans, boss?” Bubblegum asked, zipping himself up into his leather barding. The earth pony retrieved his grenade rifle, and used the moldy curtains to wipe off the bits of mushed radroach off of it.
“Well, Buzzsaw wanted us to find out what was going on with the saboteurs. I figure we offer to look into it ourselves. I mean, we’re outsiders. Maybe we’ll see something other ponies missed!” I offered.
Blackjack leaned in close, causing me to jump as her breath washed over my ear. “And what if the saboteurs are actually doing good things for the camp?” She asked, looking a little hurt when I’d flinched.
“Then we do what I do best!” I said, pressing my left hoof to my chest.
“And that is?” Blackjack asked, quirking an eyebrow at me.
We lie to them about it and tell them that everything's A-okay! “We tell them that there’s nothing to worry about. And we improvise, we’re good at that, right?”
“You need what from us?!” I shrieked an hour later in Buzzsaw’s office. Peculiar was there, standing like a rotund statue next to Buzzsaw’s lithe grace. His mismatched eyes never seemed to wander far from me as we spoke.
Buzzsaw quirked an eyebrow at me as I’d clearly spoke out of turn. “It’s all standard for new members. Just part of our hiring process, as it were,” She explained to Blackjack.
“Yes, yes. Just part of making sure everypony who works for the Timberjacks is healthy! And hearty. And wholesome. Yes, nothing the matter with asking for a little blood sample,” Peculiar added.
Blackjack’s eyes narrowed as she looked at the portly unicorn. “That’s some rather particular brahmin shit.” She asked, looking about a hair’s breadth away from giving Peculiar a shooty look, before glancing at Buzzsaw. “What the hay do you do with it? Put it all in a cup and gargle?”
For some reason that set off a string of giggles from Peculiar that made me reconsider Blackjack taking him out.
“It’s something we’d like to have,” he purred, his mismatched eyes boring into hers. “For science. Wonderful, wonderful science.”
Glitter Bomb shuddered. “I don’t like pokes,” She said, glaring at Peculiar.
Peculiar raised a hoof. “My little ponies. Don’t worry! Nothing but a little poke and a little bleed. Blood. You know. I mean, for a mare such as yourself, Glitter Bomb, it might reveal some excellent secrets! Yes. Excellent! Like the breed of pony you were before you became the majestic alicorn you are now!”
Glitter frowned. “I used to be a unicron like you, Mr. Pickles.”
Peculiar’s mismatched eyes lit up, and for the first time this morning, he looked away from me. “My my! A unicorn? That changes things! Why, my dear, did you know that as a unicorn, if were we to get a blood sample from you, we could see how close to the Goddess you were?” He asked, his eyes shifting slightly. I had to look away from him, it almost felt like his eyes were glowing. Or was it his horn? Argh! I just didn’t want to look at him.
Glitter seemed to mull this over for a moment, before finally nodding. “Okay, I guess,” She said with a slight pout. “If it means it might prove I am a princess! I just don’t want it to hurt too much!”
“My dear, I think it may prove something very interesting indeed,” Peculiar replied, his grin broadening to almost inequine proportions. I shuddered.
“Do… we get a say in this?” I asked, gesturing toward Bubblegum and I.
Peculiar blinked. “Oh, well, I mean. I guess you don’t have to. Our poor stable is only trying to find a way to save the wasteland through gene therapy. Genetic purity in spite of the radiation that plagues our poor, darkened world is the only goal of the Family! But, if you don’t want to give us some of your rare pegasus blood. Or the blood of one of the strongest specimens of a worker horse I’ve ever seen…” He said, trailing off.
Buzzsaw snorted. “What he’s saying is all y’all give a sample. ‘Less you don’t want to, Miss Fish. I figure that you’re ‘bout the only one they may not need.”
“That’s good, because he’s not getting a drop from me,” Blackjack looked the rest of us over. “Up to the rest of you if you want to.” She said with a definite frown of disapproval.
“Gene therapy?” I asked, wariness warring with hope.
“Indeed. Increasing resistance to taint and radiation. Increasing stamina. Fertility. ...intelligence,” he added after a smug pause. “The greater the genetic samples we can employ, the more good we can do for the wasteland. Why, thanks to us, the mill’s workforce has been disease free for over a year!” I glanced over at Buzzsaw, who just gave a tiny shrug and nod of agreement.
I took a deep breath. “Fine,” I muttered. “I just hope this won’t blow up in our faces.” I certainly hoped it wouldn’t.
A few pokes later, and some uncomfortably close encounters of the fat unicorn kind that left me wanting to take a bath, Buzzsaw was scowling at us again. “I need you all to look into the acts of sabotage that have been happening around camp. Now, I know I hired you, and you all look like skilled mercs. Now it’s time to prove it. Fish, which members of your team are skilled at interrogation? We have some prisoners that have been… reticent to speak up.”
Blackjack pointed a hoof at me. “Thren. She can talk a Hellhound down, if given the opportunity. You need questions answered, she’ll get it out of ‘em. Course, she works well with me. I can play the scary security mare,” She said with a slightly unhinged grin. Or maybe it was her normal grin. Oh wasn’t that concerning…
Buzzsaw shook her head. “Not you. Just the pegasus. Sweetness would like you and Glitter to meet her in the saloon. Said she had some business to discuss with you. Family business,” she snorted derisively. “Thren will go talk to our prisoners. See if she can’t undo the damage our… ‘bad cop’ did to them.”
“Right. Then Bubblegum can go with her. Distract them with a kind smile... firm flanks... broad shoulders...” she murmured. A rolled up newspaper in a purple levitation field appeared and smacked her firmly upside the head. She blinked in shock. “Damn,” she muttered, “Anyway. He can watch her back.”
“Be rather conspicuous... two outsiders asking questions,” Peculiar opined. “I think it’s a bad idea. Don’t you, Boss?” he said as his eyes bored into Buzzsaw’s.
She didn’t answer for a few seconds, then muttered, “Yeah. You’re right.” Buzzsaw looked the earth pony stallion up and down. “You’re good with hauling stuff, right? Near as I can figure, best way to make sure we don’t have a discipline problem round here is to put someone on the inside. You don’t mind bucking trees for a bit, do ya?”
Bubblegum rolled his shoulders - his gloriously well toned shoulders - and shook his head. “Hard work never hurt before. Want me to turn the charm up to eleven?” He crooned, giving Buzzsaw a heartstopping leer.
Buzzsaw seemed unimpressed. “Sure. Just get the damned job done. Thren, you stay here till Basalt comes to get’cha. The rest of you, git.” She said, waving a dismissive hoof toward the door.
I sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes as Buzzsaw did paperwork. Only after I realised that Peculiar wasn’t coming back, did I let my mental shields down a touch. I let my mind and senses wander toward Buzzsaw.
She was… very stressed at first pass. Made sense, considering she ‘ran’ a gang, ostensibly, but there was something under the surface. She had that same desperate aura about her that seemed to cling to this town like a particularly muggy day.
Her grey eyes flicked up at me, and her muzzle shifted into an even more deep frown. “What? Never seen a mare do bullshit paperwork before?” She asked, turning away from me a moment as she spat into a spittoon that sat next to her desk.
I chuckled. “No. I used to do a lot of it back where we’re from. Fishie isn’t exactly the paperwork type,” I said, continuing to watch the strange earth pony mare. “I know you run this place, right?”
“Somepony say I ain’t the one in charge?” Buzzsaw shot back defensively. Oh. That hit a nerve.
I flailed my forelegs in front of me as I shook my head. “No no! Nothing like that. Er, at least, nopony’s said anything.” Buzzsaw’s grey eyes flinted as she looked me over. “It just seems like that Peculiar doesn’t like to… take no for an answer?” I offered.
Buzzsaw spat into her spittoon, wiping her muzzle with a red forehoof. “All you pegasi so damned perceptive?” She growled, though I got the sense that my words hit harder than I’d intended.
“I just know ponies is all. He’s… pushy, if you catch my meaning,” I offered, hoping that would suffice as an explanation for why I was talking about it.
I was saved by a knock on the door.
“What do you want?” Buzzsaw snapped as Basalt Breaker pushed the door open.
The grey earth pony rolled her eyes. “To take Thren here down to see the prisoners. Like you asked, remember?”
Buzzsaw waved a hoof. “Look, just take twinklehooves here and get her out of my tail. See if she can’t get them to talk. Maybe the little carrot’ll work better than the giant steel rod that Peculiar is. Now git.”
I followed Basalt out of Buzzsaw’s office, and back down the ramp into the lumber yard. As I looked across the yard, I saw that Bubblegum was fitting in well. Or he seemed to be, given that he appeared to be in a flexing contest with another strong, dapper looking earth pony stallion. Mmm, earth ponies…
Basalt coughed beside me. “You know, it’s kinda obvious that you like what you’re seeing when your wings do that,” She said, a mirthful expression on her muzzle. I smoothed my wings down and blushed. “That said, goddamn if that Bubblegum isn’t the prettiest thing you ever did lay your eyes on.”
I giggled, then mentally chastised myself at the fillyish sound. “Just don’t say that in earshot of Glitter Bomb. She’s liable to toss you up into a tree and not help you down!”
Fear washed over me like a rogue wave as Basalt stared at me. I waved my hoof in front of myself as I tried to explain. “N-no! Not like how Sweetness was! She just once tossed Fish and I out of a hotel because we were both staring really hard as Bubblegum took a bath! She’s always very gentle and kind. She’s just… crushing really hard. You know?”
Basalt didn’t look convinced, but I felt her relax slightly. “I really don’t. Most unicorn mares around here are complete bitches that’ll strangle you with their magic if they think you’re so much as thinking about looking at their stallion.” She explained, though fear rose up in her as she looked around, as if trying to make sure that no unicorns had heard her words.
Strangle was a bit harsh. Maim more easily came to mind. Though I didn’t want to give Basalt any more of a complex than she had about my friend. “Um, well… think of Glitter as a big filly. She’s really sweet, but sometimes she has trouble with being jealous. Bubbles really does care about her, she just is kinda… insecure about it.”
“Huh,” Basalt replied, waving me down the ramp and out of sight of Bubblegum. “We just… have a different way around here I guess.”
“Doesn’t mean it’s a better way,” I muttered to her as we approached a door guarded by a pair of unicorns. The door itself was unassuming, and built solidly into the side of the hill that Buzzsaw’s office sat upon. Why it was originally built, or what purpose it originally served, I didn’t know. But it did look like the only way in or out was through the pair of unicorns in front of us.
The yellow mare with a light blue mane smiled as Basalt and I approached. “Going to see the prisoners, Basalt?” She asked, levitating a set of keys out from her saddlebags. “Who’s the new filly?” Filly? Seriously?!
“Thren. Just came in with a new group of mercs. Rumour has it this one is quite the talker, so the boss wants her to try to get some info out of our prisoners. You know how Buzz can be about being thorough,” Basalt replied with casual ease.
It struck me as odd that this mare and her stallion partner didn’t seem to elicit the same fear response that all the other unicorns did. Then again, unlike a lot of the Family ponies, these two unicorns were armed with battered looking hunting rifles, not the fully automatic assault carbines we’d seen on the other unicorns. Weird. You’d think for ponies guarding high profile prisoners, they’d want to make sure they didn’t get away!
The bluemaned mare arched her back as she stretched. “Well, good luck to you, Thren,” She said, giving me a wink. “I think that Peculiar did a number on them. Honestly, I think they were telling the truth about them not being saboteurs, just ponies trying to open up trade. But the boss got suspicious, so…” She trailed off as guilt and regret pooled gently around her hooves.
Basalt shot the mare a look, and my mental radar pinged slightly. Though for what, I couldn’t readily say. “Look, Blue Belle, just let us in, okay?”
“Yeah yeah, Basalt, I’m goin’,” Blue Belle muttered as she unlocked the door behind her. “Just… be careful with them, okay?” She said, her light blue eyes full of concern as we trotted into the dimly lit warehouse. The door locked with a click behind us as my eyes struggled to adjust to the gloom.
That’s when I suddenly found myself slammed up against the wall, Basalt’s hoof at my throat. “Who the hell do you work for?” She demanded, her purple eyes like jagged amethyst. “Because you sure ain’t from Ticklemoose. Tell me!”
I struggled as the strong mare held me off my hooves by my throat. “Not...Family!” I rasped. Basalt’s eyes flicked over me with suspicion, then she dropped me to the floor, where I collapsed in a small heap. I coughed, trying to clear my throat. I forgot how strong earth ponies were!
“You said before you were a Follower,” Basalt said, pulling a pair of horseshoes with steel chisels welded to them. “Tell me what you meant by that, or I start rearranging the bones in your wing,” She said with a low growl.
I swallowed, panic welling up in my throat as I realised she fully intended to pin me to the wall if I didn’t talk. So I did something that I rarely did.
...I told the truth. “We’re not from Ticklemoose, no. Go Fish, Bubblegum, Glitter, and I are from Hoofington,” I explained. “I said I was a Follower, as in a Follower of the Apocalypse. They’re a-”
“I know what they are. We encountered one of your missionaries before,” Basalt snapped. “Why did you come back up here?”
Oh, that was the ten million cap question wasn’t it. My tongue threatened to turn to lead in my mouth, my selective mutism choosing an inopportune time to rear its head. How to explain why we were here. We spun a bottle on it?
“We’re… on a walkabout?” I offered, then waved my hooves quickly as Basalt raised a chisel-shoed hoof like she was going to hit me. “I don’t know how to explain it better. Go Fish has gone through a lot, Bubblegum has never had a family, Glitter needs to experience the world without other alicorns mothering her, and I’m the moron that spun the bottle to give us the direction we needed to go!” I said, spilling the words as rapidly as I could. “We didn’t know what we were doing, but we decided to go north, and it was better than figuring out why when I spun the bottle it landed on Go Fish cause I don’t know if I like mares or colts or neither and please don’t hurt me!”
Basalt blinked in confusion at my rapid fire explanation, then threw her head back and laughed. She slipped off one of her hoofshoes to wipe her eyes, tears rolling down them. I didn’t think the explanation was particularly funny!
“You’re telling me,” She wheezed, “That you’re up here because you played spin the bottle and you didn’t want to kiss a mare? And you expect me to believe that?”
“Well, I guess I did leave out the whole bit about me meeting a dragon and ultimately going this direction to avoid dealing with a horrifically traumatic event that happened to me in Junction City. But um… yes?”
Basalt gave me a look that was pity mixed with humour. “You… really aren’t lying, are you? You have no connection to the Family?”
“No.”
“Or Stable 9?” She asked, quirking a brow at me.
Again, I shook my head. “No. I mean, I know that there is supposed to be a pony out in this area that the Followers thought might live in Stable 9, but no. I am a Follower of the Apocalypse, and a-” I froze, not sure how to explain what I did. Would this pony know what I meant when I said heartmender?
Basalt raised her chisel bound hoof. “No lies. Are you a spy?”
“No. I. Am. Not. A. Spy,” I said plainly. “I’m a heartmender. And not a particularly notable pony otherwise,” I admitted sardonically. “Just a boring pegasus. Nothing to see here.”
Basalt relaxed, and put her chisel horseshoes away. “Alright. Though, a heartmender, eh? How did you…” She trailed off, looking down at the healing leg that Sweetness had snapped the night before. “How?”
I frowned, not wanting to give away all my secrets, but also not wanting to get my wings pinned to a wall. Well, the word of the day was ‘honesty’, so I guessed that was where I was going with this lovely chat.
“Heartmenders are… empaths? If you will? We feel the emotions of other ponies very strongly. We can also take those emotions onto ourselves with our inner magic. You were in pain. I took your pain,” I said simply.
Basalt’s purple eyes widened. “So… the bleeding?”
My jade eyes met her amethysts. “Side effect. But it stopped your pain.”
Basalt wriggled her right foreleg. “I… suppose I shouldn’t be looking over a gift for a price tag, huh?” She asked, giving me another one of those awkward grins of hers. She really did have a pretty smile, when she actually smiled.
I shrugged. “I… sorta do my own thing. Go Fish is our leader, but, only because we knew this town wasn’t going to listen to a rogue mini pegasus that looks half starved. She’s a fighter. I’m the talker.”
“That make Bubbles the lover.”
I wished, but no. “N-no. Bubblegum and Glitter are… just our friends. Well, Glitter has been my friend for the past two years. We sort of found Bubblegum and adopted him. He’s stuck around for his own reasons,” A thought struck me. “I really, really should get around to asking him why that is…”
Basalt chuckled. “You mean it isn’t just because he’s a handsome young stallion who likes to follow around pretty fillies? Cause that’s a good enough reason for most boys.”
I laid my ears back and gave her a flat look. “I… would like to think that Bubblegum is capable of thinking with more than his p... pride, thank you,” I said with a huff. Honestly, the colt was rather sharp. Cute fillies were probably just an added bonus. Well, the two cute fillies there were in the party. Two cute fillies and a lumpy tato.
The grey earth pony finally relaxed, tension running down her hooves into Equus’ embrace. She looked me over. “Look, we all know that the ponies I am about to take you to aren’t the saboteurs. Do you think you can help them, like you did me?” She asked, looking hopeful. “Peculiar… did horrible things to them. Buzzsaw wanted to send down a doctor, but she also can’t look weak in front of him.”
I bit my lip. I wasn’t a field surgeon. I could do a few things, like set broken bones, but nothing major. “I can try to help. I know a little bit of medicine,” I said, sure that my knowledge in that area would have barely let me pass the medic’s qualification at the Followers’ Headquarters in Tenpony Tower. I dug through my saddlebags, frowning at my meagre supplies. Blackjack hadn’t packed us much, and I only had a pair of healing potions and a few bandages left. “All I have are what’s on me. And that’s really not much.”
Basalt breathed a sigh of relief. “Look, what you have and are willing to do is more than I could possibly ask for,” She said. Her sudden wash of sincerity brought my head out of my bag. What was she playing at?
“I just told you I was a Follower,” I said, frowning at the big grey mare.
“Which means absolute shit to me,” Basalt snapped back. “I don’t know you. All I know about the Followers is that they’re weird and try to help everypony. The last one to visit didn’t stay long. The Family more or less let them know they weren’t welcome.”
I logged that bit of information away under ‘things to ask Heartshine about when we get back to regular wasteland Equestria’. The list was getting a bit long. “Wait, the Family let them know that?”
“Yeah,” Basalt said, turning to lead me across the dimly lit room toward what looked like an old freezer door. “The Family. Damned shame, too. We’ve been needing a good doctor for a while.”
I put a hoof on Basalt’s foreleg as she reached for the odd door opening mechanism. “Wait. Why would the Family make a call like that. Isn’t that Buzzsaw’s call?”
Basalt’s expression told me that my question was naive. I’d be inclined to agree with her, if it weren’t for the fact that I was trying to get answers. “Buzzsaw is in charge only so much as Peculiar lets her be,” She explained, shuddering. “The Family has their leashes around our necks here, and they keep’em short and tight.” She sat down on her haunches, leaning down to look me in the eye. “Look kid, the Timberjacks may be gangers, but we knew how the cards were being laid. Buzzsaw’s goal was to get the timber mill up and running so we all – and I do mean all – could make a living out here. The Wasteland may still be the wasteland, but there’s some good left in ponies. Buzz got that in her own crotchety way, and wanted to change things for the better. Then the Family moved in and everything went to shit.”
I got the slightest sense at the edge of my perception of the sound of shuffling cards. I flicked my ear before replying. “So if the Family weren’t around?”
“We’d be opening up trade with the NCR and Commonwealth,” She sighed. “Y’all’re building. Gonna need wood for that.”
I couldn’t fault her logic there. “Ugh, all this politics and weirdness is making my head hurt. Let’s just help the poor ponies you’ve got locked up here.”
Basalt gave me a wounded expression. “I don’t want them locked up here! Right now it’s the safest way to keep Peculiar away from them!”
“By keeping them in an old freezer?”
“Hey, we made it into a jail of sorts. Just… help me, please?” She asked, her purple eyes pleading. It felt weird, watching the strong mare beg. But I felt the small spark of another emotion inside of her: hope.
“I never said I wouldn’t,” I said with a reassuring smile. “Let’s… figure out what damage I can undo.” A thought struck me. “Oh shit, are my friends going to be okay?” I asked, panic making my voice crack.
Basalt nodded. “Well, okay as they can be. Bubbles should be fine. As long as Glitter and Fish don’t buy what the Family is selling…” She shrugged. “Not all the unicorns do. Blue Belle’s a good example of that.”
I couldn’t see Blackjack wanting anything to do with the Family. Glitter either. Unless they were super nice and offered her snack cakes. I shook my head as well. “I… don’t see that happening either. What Sweetness did to you left an impression, and not the good kind. But anyway, um, let’s get this over with.”
Basalt pulled the door open, revealing a surprisingly brightly lit walk-in freezer. Or what would have been one, had the cooling elements not been burned out. Now it was simply a pair of cells, and little else. The air was stale, and the entire place whiffed of unwashed bodies and sewage. Considering nopony had been considerate enough to provide so much as a waste bucket, it wasn’t really that surprising.
The first cell’s occupants caught my attention as they flinched toward the back corner. The small teal earth pony mare gave us a terrified look as Basalt and I trotted into the small prison. Even though she was small, she was still taller than I was, and didn’t appear to have any obvious injuries. The other occupant of the cell was a pretty palomino pegasus, who stared back at me defiantly.
The occupant in the other cell wasn’t moving. The dapple grey unicorn stallion looked like he was barely breathing. Dried blood covered much of his body, and his hind leg was in horrible shape. I rushed over to his cell, ignoring the mares.
“Get this open right away. Oh my goddess, what did he do to him?” I asked, stamping a hind hoof impatiently as Basalt fumbled to get the cell open.
“I don’t know!” Basalt replied defensively. “He wasn’t this bad last night!”
I swore quietly under my breath, cursing Peculiar’s existence, the Family’s existence, and for all the cruelty that the wasteland brought. The sound of shuffling cards yet again flickered through my ear as Basalt hauled the door open. I was at the stallion’s side a moment later, checking his vitals.
The stallion was still breathing, but it was shallow and slightly laboured. I set my hoof on him, only to recoil as pain flowed from his body to mine like an electrical spark. Okay, well, that told me what was hurting, unfortunately everything wasn’t quite specific enough to be useful. Shaking myself, I trotted over to his leg, and very, very gingerly began to feel along it. His tibia and ulna felt intact, and most of the pain radiated up near his hip. That wasn’t a good sign. Pressing my hoof lightly into his hip, the stallion and I both grunted in pain as a blindingly sharp pain shot through my left hip, just below the joint.
Basalt put a hoof on my shoulder, causing me to start. I looked up at her concerned face. “What?”
“Your nose is bleeding. Is… what’s wrong with him?” She asked, offering me a rag to wipe my nose.
I ignored the rag. “I think Peculiar managed to break his femur. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what happened, based on where this guy’s pain is. It doesn’t feel like a compound fracture, since there’s no bone sticking through the skin, but… I’m honestly at the end of my medical knowledge.” I bit my lip, looking the stallion over. Well, not doing anything could cause his death. “We can give him the healing potions, but honestly, he might walk with a permanent limp, depending on where his bones are and how the potion sets his limb.”
Basalt Breaker closed her eyes as she thought, then turned to look at the now confused looking mares in the adjacent cell. “What do you think he would prefer?”
“Why the hell do you care?” The palomino mare spat, pointing a white socked hoof at Basalt. A twisted part of me in the back of my mind said that Blackjack would find her super cute. “You ponies did this to us!”
“Cynthi, I don’t think they’re like that scary pony,” The earth pony replied, tugging on the pegasus’ lavender tail.
I raised a hoof. “Hi. Heartmender here. Trying to keep a pony from dying, and definitely not a fan of the Family,” I sighed. “Look, what’s happened here is awful, and I want to help fix it. But I can’t if I don’t know how to treat this buck.”
“He’s got a name!” The yellow mare spat back.
“Then what is it?” I asked, meeting her light blue eyes.
The pegasus paused, giving me a puzzled look. “Why do you care?”
The little teal earth pony rolled her maroon eyes and stepped out from behind the pegasus. “His name is Solidarity. I’m Puddle Splasher, and this is Hyacinth. Or Cynthi,” She cocked her head to the side, her curly seafoam green mane bouncing slightly. “Why are you helping us?”
Her name is Puddle? I thought to myself before responding. “I’m… a Follower of the Apocalypse. And I’m a heartmender. I help ponies where I can. Basalt said you needed help. So that’s what I’m here to do.”
Hyacinth didn’t look convinced. “Why would a heartmender be helping out the ponies who put us in here? Don’t you know what they’ve done!?”
Basalt and I exchanged glances. I really didn’t know what they’d done, but at this point…
“Look, I don’t know what’s happened to you. Whatever it is, I’m sorry I couldn’t stop it. But I’m not a wasteland hero. I’m just a little healer. Basalt is asking me to help Solidarity now, and before we get too off focus, do you think he would want complete healing, or should I try to give him as best help as I can for now?” I asked, boring into Hyacinth’s ocean eyes. “I don’t want him to die because that monster got at him.”
Hyacinth and Puddle Splasher exchanged looks and shrugged. “I would want you to heal Mr. Solidarity,” Puddle Splasher said after a moment. “I mean, he came with us to keep us safe. If healing him helps keep us safe, please do it.” She said, her eyes pleading.
“I’ll make sure he’s helped as best we can. I don’t want him to die over this,” Basalt said, putting her hoof up to the bars that separated the two cells. “He doesn’t need to die for my mistake.”
For the second time today, I mentally logged away something. “Okay. It’s settled then. Basalt, I need you to help me lift his head. I can bring him out of his sleep slowly, but we want him to drink the potion, not aspirate on it,” I ordered, pulling the potion out of my saddlebags.
As Basalt gently lifted Solidarity’s head into her lap, I laid my hoof on his forehead. I closed my eyes, searching for a sign - any sign - that he wasn’t braindead. What I got in response was just more pain, but the stallion groaned slightly as his dark green eyes fluttered open.
Confusion flared in his eyes as he looked at me, and I gently stroked his cheek with my hoof, trying to calm him. “Solidarity? I’m here to help you. I have a few healing potions for your wounds. Do you think you can drink?”
The stallion groaned, but nodded, dried blood flaking off of his swollen cheek as he moved. Basalt and I helped him drink down the first potion, then the second. Within minutes, the bruising and cuts on his body began to lighten and heal. I grabbed an extra blanket that lay just outside of the reach of the cells, and lay it under Solidarity’s head like a pillow. The stallion quickly went back to sleep, but his breathing was much more even and steady than it had been when I’d helped him.
Which turned my attention to the two mares in the cell next to us as Basalt locked Solidarity’s cell. “Are either of you hurt?”
Both Puddle Splasher and Hyacinth shook their heads. “Are you really a heartmender?” Puddle Splasher asked. “You… seem really young to be one.”
Says the shortie named Puddle! “I’ve been a heartmender since I was 8. And I do want to get you out of here. So does Basalt.” The big grey earth pony nodded as she stood behind me.
Hyacinth didn’t look convinced. “Well, you make sure that when you get us out of here, I better get a blade. I want to cut off that heterochromatic freak’s horn and shove it up his ass!”
Puddle Splasher looked horrified. “But… Hyacinth, that’s not what Rhiannon-”
“Fuck Rhiannon. Fuck her and her stupid fucking friendship is magic bullshit. All of my friends are in Stable 9. I don’t want to be friends with wastelanders if I have to worry about them being like these creeps.” The pegasus replied, stalking to the lone cot in the cell and flopping into it, facing away from us.
Puddle Splasher’s ears drooped as she looked back at her friend. Strangely, the little curly poofs in her mane and tail seemed to straighten a little as well. “It’s… been hard.” She whispered to me. “I just want to go home. I wanted to make friends with everypony here, but… I don’t know why they’re all so mean!” She said with a sniffle.
I felt Basalt’s presence beside me as she knelt down to place her hoof against the bars. “I never wanted anypony to get hurt. Nor did Buzzsaw. We’ll fix this. Somehow. I promise.”
Basalt nodded. “Cross my heart and hope to cry, stick a cupcake in my eye.” She said, going through the motions of the old filly promise that it seemed everypony knew.
I dug through my saddlebags and pulled out one of the two boxes of snack cakes that I’d carefully hoarded throughout our trip, and slipped it through the bars. “Here,” I said. “Share it with Hyacinth. Don't worry. I'm not with the Timberjacks.”
“And not all the Timberjacks are with the Family,” Basalt added.
“So we’ll figure this out. My friends and I will find a way to make it so that everyone makes it out of here okay.” I said, slipping my hoof through the bar. Puddle Splasher took my hoof and pulled it close to her heart. Hope and friendship radiated through me with each pulse.
“I believe you,” She said with a smile that seemed to brighten the room. “Though I don’t think I caught your name.”
“Threnody,” I said simply. “It’s Threnody.”
“Basalt, I have some questions,” I said after Basalt and I closed up the prison door. The big grey earth pony mare looked at me with a panicked expression.
“What kind of questions?” She asked, swallowing.
I sighed. “Look, why do you want to help these ponies? Do you even have a plan to deal with the Family?”
Basalt Breaker bit her lip, then motioned me to come closer. “Yes. We do have a plan. I don’t know if it’s a good plan, but if you and your friends can help, it might work.”
“We?”
Basalt nodded. “Yes, we. There’s very few ponies from Fold who are happy with way things are. And those that do like it, well… they aren’t Timberjacks anymore.”
“So you and Buzzsaw have a plan to take back Fold then? With the help of the unicorns that are still loyal to the Timberjacks?” I asked.
“Well…” Basalt gave me a sheepish look. “Buzzsaw doesn’t know about it. I know she’d back it, if she did. But… if things go south…” she trailed off.
“You don’t want her taking the fall for your actions.” I finished, mentally giving Basalt another point in her favour. “I see. Well, I know that Fish and my friends would be willing to help. If you’re willing to trust us, that is.”
Basalt frowned a moment, then shook herself. “I suppose I should get over my fear of unicorns and trust that you know what you’re talking about.”
I smiled at her, and patted her big hoof. “I understand. You’ve been through a lot here, what with the Family taking over and things changing. I can see why you might be a little untrusting of outsiders.”
“Less outsiders, more like unicorns,” she explained, idly scraping a hoof along the concrete floor. “My best friend was a unicorn. Or so I thought. Then she started hanging out with the Family mares and now…” She shuddered. “She left Fold to go up to Seaddle. I’ve not heard from her since. That… hurt. And the abuses that the unicorns regularly put us earth ponies through? It ain’t right. And I aim to misbehave until it stops.” She said, her conviction warming me like the noonday sun.
“I want to help you, Basalt. Let’s get together this evening, talk it over with Fish and company, and we’ll see what we can do,” I said with a grin. My grin faded as I heard a dry chuckling coming from somewhere in the room. I looked about, but it wasn’t Basalt that was laughing. “Did you hear that?” I asked.
Basalt looked around the nearly empty room, alarmed. “Hear what?”
The dusty, dry sound of cards shuffling rang in my ears distinctly now, but nopony was playing cards. I shook myself.
“Sorry Basalt. All this talk of secrets is making me jumpy.” I started toward the door, then stopped. “Wait… Basalt? Do you know who the real saboteurs are, then?” I asked.
“Of course I do. One of them is me.” She replied, that lopsided grin on her face. “Why?”
I wanted to give a smart reply, but I was fixated on the dusty corpse of a pony who floated just beside her head, holding up a quintet of playing cards. An insane, inverted Jack of Clubs with Peculiar’s eyes. Blackjack as the Queen of Spades. Buzzsaw as the King of Diamonds. Basalt as Buzzsaw’s Queen.
… and me as the Queen of Hearts. The ghoulish dealer smirked at me, then vanished.
“Threnody, you okay?” Basalt asked, looking concerned. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I wasn’t sure that I hadn’t. I ruffled out my wings, then blinked several times. “Sorry. Maybe it’s the mold down here. Making me a little woozy.”
Why can’t I shake this feeling that it’s something so, so much worse?
“I don't want to be in a battle. But waiting on the edge of one I can't escape is even worse.” Found letters from an Equestrian Marine prior to the Battle of Horseshoe Bay.
I couldn’t shake the vision of that skeletal, card-shuffling pony holding up cards from my head as Basalt led me out of the makeshift prison. What the hell was wrong with me? Were there some sort of spores down there that were screwing with my head? Or, oh goddesses! Was that a mental attack of some sort and I’d failed to catch it?
I intentionally bonked my head against the railing as I followed Basalt, seeing if the whack to the noggin would cause the vision to leave, all while causing the big mare to turn and look at me in alarm.
“You okay there?” She asked, her pretty purple eyes filled with concern..
“Yeah,” I lied. “Just tripped over a stone. Don’t worry about it. Um, where are we going, anyway?” I asked, deflecting the subject away from why I now had a throbbing forehead.
Basalt frowned at me. “I was going to take you back to Fish. I mean, she is your boss, after all.”
Ah. Right. Fish. Fishy Fish. Clearly the one pony I needed to see right now to make my life more complicated. How was I supposed to tell my frie-
Hey now! Friend? I thought. When did I start seeing Blackjack as a friend, and not as my client?! She was my client! Oh goddesses! I was losing it! I had helped facilitate the foalnapping of Bubblegum, dragged Glitter Bomb halfway across the wasteland, and now I was thinking of Blackjack as a friend!? Oh no. My case was terminal. I was picking up a horrible case of the stupids from Blackjack.
...Was that because I was sleeping in close proximity to her? Did you get dumber just being that close to one of the craziest mares the wasteland ever spat out?
At least you aren’t sleeping with her! Some addled corner of my brain helpfully interjected. Right. Cause I needed that complication on top of all of my other shit.
“Uh… Thren?”
I looked up, realising that I’d stopped trotting after Basalt, whose expression and general aura screamed ‘what the hell is wrong with this filly?’
“Argh, sorry Basalt. Just… processing everything that’s happened today. Mild existential crisis and all that,” I said, waving a hoof as I fluttered over to the big earth pony’s side.
Basalt arched a brow at me. “Exe-what?” She asked. “Where did you learn a word like that?”
“I read it in a book once,” I explained. “Just… basically my view of what’s going on in Fold is so radically different from the first glance that I’m trying to work it out in my head.”
Basalt blinked at me. “You can read?”
I gave Basalt a quizzical look. “Uh, yeah? I’ve been reading since I could get a book in my hooves. You can’t?”
Basalt slowly shook her head, looking me over with an emotion that felt something like… awe? “Not many of the Timberjacks can. I mean, I can read like, enough to go to the canteen. And I know my numbers. Gotta know those if you work around a lumber mill. But really Buzzsaw was the only one here who reads regularly, and I don’t think she likes it. A few of the unicorns can read now cause the Family made ‘em learn, but we didn’t get any quality learning aside from what our parents knew,” She explained.
My worldview came to a grinding halt for the second time today. I really, really needed to get out more. It struck me that, as a filly who grew up in a library, I really did grow up with a privilege that not everypony had. What I took for granted - the ability to read - made it so I often forgot that not everypony had the same life experiences that I did. Which was a remarkably silly thing to overlook! I was a heartmender, for Luna’s sake! My talent let me literally step into the horseshoes of others, and here I was, completely oblivious to the fact that because I could read, it might make my life that much…
… that much better.
“I mean, I can, er, see why you maybe didn’t?” I said, coughing awkwardly into my hoof. “I just… my momma wanted me to know how to read, so she taught me. One of the only lessons she taught me that I’m glad I learned.”
Basalt nodded as she listened. “Well, I guess you were lucky then. Would have been nice had my momma taught me. I keep looking at some of the books that we found in the old carving store here in town, and…” She sighed, shaking her head. “Why the sorrel hells am I telling you this, anyway? Yeesh, Basalt, wake up and smell the herb.”
My eye twitched slightly at the mention of the mephitic drug that everypony around here seemed to like. “Is… that really a good thing to do in the morning?” I asked, shaking my head as we made our way back toward the town proper. The unicorn guards stopped us before lifting the fence out of our way.
Basalt chuckled. “I don’t know about waking up with it. But I know a lot of folks smoke it before bed. Something in it helps ease all the aches and pains. And if you’re a hard worker in Fold, believe me, you got aches and pains.”
I quirked an eyebrow at her. “You mean that there aren’t hard workers in Fold?”
Basalt stiffened. “No. We all work very hard for the good of Fold,” She said stiffly.
A miasma of sickly sweet hate flowed over my shoulder as Basalt’s eyes widened. I swallowed as I felt a cool flow of magic twisting around my neck. I struck out with a wing, breaking the magic on my back as I turned to face Sweetness.
“My my, did I startle you?” The redheaded nag asked in purring tones of nakedly false cordiality. Her ruby eyes smouldered with a cold, disdainful fire as she looked me over. “That was a neat little trick, brushing off my magic. Where did you learn that, tiny bird?” She asked, the weight of her loathing threatening to force me back onto my haunches.
I bristled, my wings flaring out behind me. “I learned it from my mother, miss Sweetness. She was a unicorn. And I learned at a young age that pegasus wings can disrupt telekinetic magic if you catch it right.” I replied, instinctively puffing out my chest in an attempt to make myself look bigger.
I realised that was probably the wrong thing to say as Sweetness’ gaze narrowed. “So, you were a disobedient little bird, hmm? Maybe somepony needs to teach you some manners.” She said, her horn flaring. I became distinctly aware of the trio of stallions advancing behind Sweetness, all near carbon-copies of her; matching sour cream coats, red manes… golden magic auras…
Oh crap.
Basalt stood paralyzed with terror as Sweetness’s magic flared more brightly from the unicorns’ horns. Sweetness’ magic lashed out like a whip, and coiled around my middle. I tried to shuck her off with my wings, but with the strength of four unicorns behind it, I couldn’t break her spell. That warm golden glow quickly turned into crushing chains of solid iron as she roughly clamped my wings against my barrel, pressing them painfully into my ribs.
I grit my teeth as Sweetness smiled at me. The curl of her lips was surprisingly beatific, juxtaposed with her teeth, grit tight with simmering sadistic glee just behind them. “I wonder what would happen if I do this?” She asked, her magic snaking from the tight binds roughly tugging on a primary feather, and ripping it out of my wing.
She tore a strangled scream out of me along with the primary she’d grabbed. It was a pin feather that I hadn’t gotten completely unfurled yet. Sweetness flourished her new prize, sending blood trailing from the raw, immature root and spattering Basalt’s horrified face.
“This is what happens to little birds that don’t listen, isn’t it?” Sweetness crooned, moving her face close to mine. Close enough that I could smell the alcohol on her breath.
A memory popped into my head. In retrospect, I was experiencing a flashback, but I didn’t exactly have the awareness at the moment to realise what was happening. I couldn’t tell what was real and what was memory, as they overlay each other in my awareness.
Mom was drunk again, and angry that I started crying when she told me I had to go see the Mayor. In a fit of temper, she’d grabbed my wing with her magic and nearly sprinted for the door, wrenching my 8 year old form hard enough to nearly dislocate the wing.
“You’re going to see her, and you’re going to keep seeing her until she’s fixed!” Mom spat, yanking out a pin feather. I remembered watching the blood drip and pool on the floor of our home as my breath hitched and I sobbed harder. “If you weren’t so fucking pretty, she’d be able to keep her hooves off of you. If you weren’t so fucking useless, she’d not even think about putting her hooves on you!”
Memory and reality bled into each other as my Mom, wearing Sweetness’s face slapped me across the muzzle with the back of her hoof. A familiar warm, coppery wash dripped from my split lip as I stared up at Sweetness. I felt an emotion that I tried so very, very hard to not let myself feel.
Rage.
“You do not get to touch me,” I hissed, glaring up at her in defiance.
“I don’t what?” She snarled, raising her hoof to strike me again.
That’s when I snapped.
All of my hurt. All of my pain. All of my sorrow. All of my anger. I focussed it all into my left leg. I barely even felt the blow to my muzzle this time. Sweetness’ smile slipped from Mom’s face as she paused, and I ever so gently pressed my small hoof against her porcelain cheek.
Every memory of sobbing exposed on the floor of the Mayor’s office as she laughed at my attempts to cover myself up. Every memory of washing my tongue with filth from the underside of my hoof to get the taste out of my mouth after she’d shoved my head between her thighs and told me to lick. Every ounce of pain I felt when Mom forced me to go back. Every soul-crushing tonne of fear I felt when I watched the Mayor pick up some new object in her magic, certain, with knowledge no foal should have, exactly what excruciating indignity she was going to inflict on me with it, then ask me ‘how much I liked it.’
Heartmenders were trained to not push negative emotions onto others, only positive ones like calm and security.
...But that didn’t mean we couldn’t.
There was a moment of eerie calm as my hoof, now empty of the caustic mass of pain, betrayal and hate it had held just moments prior, fell away from Sweetness’ face. Then she let out an ear-splitting screech as blood erupted from the spot on her cheek where I’d touched her. I recognized the telltale signs of empathic feedback as she recoiled away from me. Then her brothers joined her in chorus. The trio of stallions covered their heads with their hooves as Sweetness’ horn flared, causing the magical connection between them to burn incandescently before slumping over, blood running out of their nostrils, identical weeping wounds slowly opening up on their cheeks.
I screamed as Mom lashed out again, using Sweetness’ magic to wrench my wing to the side, dislocating it.
Something dark and feral rose up inside of me, and erupted out of my mouth. “Suffer. Bleed.DIE! DIE YOU CUNT!”
I heard the chiming of her magic crescendo into a loud keening squeal as Sweetness tried to raise a shield between her and the source of the hurt she was feeling, not knowing it was already inside her, like venom festering in a wound. Then came a sharp crack as I watched a fracture form in her horn and her shield exploded, throwing me against the wooden railing.
Then everything went black.
I awoke in an unfamiliar bed to the feeling of somepony’s hoof stroking my forehead. They weren’t saying anything, and the silence felt odd. The hoof felt calming and what I imagine motherly should feel like, and I didn’t need to open my eyes to know Blackjack was the one touching me.
Why wasn’t she saying anything?
I cracked an eye open as I realised my head was on her lap. She mouthed something to me, but I couldn’t make out what it was.
“Are we supposed to be quiet?” I whispered. Or I thought I whispered. I couldn’t hear the words come out of my mouth, but I could feel the buzz of my throat as they formed and my breath carrying them over my tongue. Panic set in as I swivelled my ears about. It was way too quiet. Oh Goddess Cadence, why was it so quiet?!
Concern radiated off of Blackjack in waves as her horn flared, and she snagged a healing potion from somewhere behind me. I watched as she levitated a small eye dropper into the potion, then gently gripped my right ear with her lips. I held still as she dropped the small purple fluid into my ear. I felt the most painful knitting sensation occur before I was met with the most awful ringing.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I grit my teeth as she tugged down on my left ear and repeated the process, causing more ringing. I felt something crack in my jaw, but slowly, very very slowly, the ringing faded and I could hear again.
“That better?” Blackjack asked softly, placing a kiss on the tip of my ear.
I wiggled my ears as the pain slowly subsided, giving way to a new pain. This one radiating slowly upward from my left hoof. I looked down, and saw that somepony had bandaged it and set it in a cast.
“So… I’m not exactly unfamiliar with strange shit, but just what the fuck did you do?” She asked, looking over me. “One minute I’m trying to make sure that Glitter doesn’t drink the punch that Peculiar is trying to give us, listening to him blather on about some sort of genetic legacy experiments his Stable has been working on. The next, I hear screaming, Basalt Breaker is carrying you in saying that there was an attack, and that you, Sweetness, and those three stallions she always has with her were hurt. All four of them are still unconscious, and they all have a burn the exact size and shape of your hoof in the exact same place,” She said, pointing down to the bandaged appendage. “On their cheeks. Now what did you do?”
I looked down at my hoof. I wasn’t sure how to explain myself. How could you explain to somepony who could only remember extreme amounts of suffering and trauma that, in your anger, you’d used a portion of your own hurts and suffering to wound someone else? Blackjack was going to hate me! She was going to think I was a monster!
That selective mutism kicked in, and I felt my voice wither into nothing.. My tongue turned to granite in my mouth, and refused to move. Blackjack stared at me, apparently trying to wait out my silence. To my dismay, her patience was working, as the self loathing I felt for hurting another pony in the worst possible way a heartmender could started to press down on my chest.
“I got angry,” I croaked quietly, not willing to look into her ruby eyes.
“Angry, huh?” she replied with a half smile. “I saw Sweetness. Why didn’t you break out that anger when there was a radscorpion on your butt, huh?” It was teasing. A way to break into the topic without directly addressing what I’d done to the unicorn.
“Cause when the Radscorpion got me, I felt fear,” I admitted slowly, then shook my head. “If the radscorpion had gotten you or Glitter, I would have… been really scared and upset and tried to kill it. But…” I looked down at my bandaged hoof. “Angry? I… try to avoid angry.”
“Well, consider me warned. I don’t think I’ll play with your buttons again any time soon,” she murmured. Then that horrible silence. “Sweetness lost most of the right side of her face and those stallions aren’t much better. Healing... it’s not working like it should. The unicorns are freaked out. I think the fact no one has a clue what you did is keeping them back for now,” She said as she stroked my mane again.
Tears welled up and started to run to down my cheeks as I thought about what happened. Sweetness’ body took all of that empathic feedback I’d been hanging onto. Oh goddesses! I was a monster!
“It’s… not going to heal with healing potions. She’s… gonna need bandages and time,” I whimpered. “Her scars are gonna be like the ones on my back. I…” I looked up into Blackjack’s eyes. “I did something really, really bad, didn’t I?” I knew the answer before I asked it, but… I needed to hear her take on it. To hear Security’s judgement of just how horrible a pony I was.
“Absolutely,” she replied grimly. “It’s terrible the way you hunted her down and took her completely alone and unarmed and used your special attack on her. Gosh, you must have wanted her bad,” she said... but the emotions coming off her were amused, not angry. Not fearful. Her hoof gave my head a little bonk. “You were defending yourself, Thren. You don’t have anything to apologize for. If anything, you bought us a day or two more. Probably. With luck, no one’s going to move on you until they figure out if you can melt all their faces with your brain.”
I gave her a flat look, laying my ears back. “I can’t do that. And… I really, really, really don’t want to do something like that to anypony ever again,” I stated quietly. I paused, gathering my thoughts. “Blackjack, I… At the end? After she yanked on my wing? Something… dark inside of me came out. I wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to die! I never want that! I’ve never wanted that ever!” I said rapidly, panic causing my heart to race. “I just wanted her to let go of me, notー”
She reached out and pulled me into her embrace. “Welcome to the wasteland,” she murmured quietly. “Funny how it gets to you, isn’t it? One bad moment, and it all goes ugly.” She rocked me a little as she sighed. “For me, it was a place called Yellow River. I was tired. Hurt. I found out some ugly truths from all the way back in the war. And six Enclave decided to jump me and some people I cared about. I took them apart. I took them apart hard, and almost killed Glory’s sister. If I’d had a choice about when I’d've stopped, I would have killed her for sure.” She took a deep breath. “What you felt? That’s the wasteland. I’m glad you don’t want to feel that. Really. But I’m also glad you did. Because I’m pretty sure that if you hadn’t, then Sweetness would have hurt you. Maybe killed you. And then I would have brought the wasteland here, too.”
I disliked the idea of the wasteland as a concept enough on its own. The wasteland as a living, physical force was horrifying! Why would–
A dusty, dry chuckling echoed on the edge of my hearing, and the shuffling of playing cards rang in my healing ears.
“Blackjack?” I asked softly. “Is the wasteland a real thing? I mean, not like… argh. You know, I know it’s real, but… Does the wasteland have a spirit? Something maybe… real but not real?”
“I think so,” she answered somberly. “I think it’s something we created with the war. Or maybe with Nightmare Moon. Or maybe it’s always been here. I think when we hate... when we hurt... when we want to destroy each other... the wasteland shows up. It doesn’t have to be ruin either. Your mom... the mayor... they brought the wasteland too, in their own way. Not enough to spoil civilization. That’s too comfy to lose... but the harm? The hate? That can take the Wasteland anywhere.”
“Is that why I keep hearing the shuffling of cards?” I asked, hoping that maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t completely losing it. Maybe Blackjack had heard it before? Maybe she knew why I saw that dusty bones of a pony show me a horrible hand?
“Cards?” she asked with a frown.
I nodded, averting my eyes. “And... a thing...”
“The Dealer?” She asked in surprise. “You’re seeing the Dealer? Skeleton? Long, ragged cloak? Wide brimmed hat? Cryptic and creepy as fuck?”
“He’s never said anything. But, he has laughed before. It sounds like he was inhaling dust, or maybe spent his final years smoking a carton of Marelboros a day. He… showed up before Basalt Breaker and I left the um… the prisoners. He showed me his hand.” I admitted, laying my ears back as I began to realise that what I’d said about this hallucination was very much disturbing Blackjack’s calm. Which did not bode well for… well, anyone.
“Shit,” she muttered, her eyes wide. “I thought he was gone. I haven’t seen him since I woke up. Hell, I thought he was half my crazy up to the very end, just before I died... fourth time, I think.” She frowned and counted softly, before shaking her head hard. “Nevermind. Not important.” She regarded me and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what it means, Thren. I don’t know why you’re seeing him, and I’m not. Maybe the Wasteland’s decided you’re the one it wants to test now. See what breaks you.” She tapped my chest. “Don’t. Let. It.”
“I… I won’t. I promise I won’t. I just… am really scared that something bad is going to happen. He showed me Basalt, Buzzsaw, Peculiar - though he was upside down - me, and you.” I frowned. “Did he ever do that to you? Show you ponies?”
“Once. He liked to play with me. Sometimes give me boosters, other times make me doubt myself. Like... he wanted to see just how much I could take before breaking. I’m not sure how much of that was him, and how much of it was Echo, but at the end there... he knew me. He knew me in and out. He knew I’d fight, and he knew I’d die. I think he was just looking forward to the show.” Blackjack has a solemnity inside her I’d never felt before.
I nodded, silenced again in the face of Blackjack’s uncharacteristically sober mood. I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know who Echo was, though apparently he was important to Blackjack somehow. I’d have to ask her about him later. Still, I didn’t know cards. I knew that having 3 queens was a good hand in poker. But having the faces of ponies I knew on them? Why he was showing them to me? That… made the entire experience more disconcerting.
“Dammit, I wish I knew why he was showing them to me,” I said, hitting the mattress with my right hoof. “I know it means something. He had Buzzsaw and Basalt connected, cause they were in the same suit. But… you were the Queen of Spades, and I was the Queen of Hearts. And why the hell was Peculiar upside down!?” I needed a book on this. Books would solve this, right?
She tapped my head gently. “I. Am. Not. A. Smart. Pony.” She intoned. “Next time you see him, ask. He seems to live… well, exist, to fuck with people. You are a smart pony. Maybe you’ll figure out a way to get rid of the bony fucker for good.” She took a deep breath. “Anyway, we need to figure out our move. Once you melted off Sweetness’s face, and scarred up her squaddies too, they put her in a coma. She’ll survive, probably, but there’s going to be a lot of pissed feelings focused at you. Did you find the resistance before Sweetness jumped you?”
I chuckled. “Uh, is Basalt around? Cause uh, she’s the resistance.” I replied, shaking my head. “She’s the one that’s been causing all the trouble around here. I think she’s… I don’t actually know what she thinks. I was going to try to talk to her more about it before we got jumped by Sweetness and the triplets.” My heart sank. “Before I melted their faces.”
“Well, that’s something.” She pulled away and slipped on to her hooves. “We need to find her, Bubblegum and Glitter, and figure out a plan. Something other than ‘kill everyone shooting at us’. That’ll be plan C. Plan D, maybe?”
“I was hoping that was Plan Worst Case Scenario?” I said, rolling upright. I winced as my left wing flexed, and I realised that, despite somepony resetting it so it wasn’t dislocated, there was no way I was going to be flying anytime soon. “I… think we should leave the plans to when we’re with Basalt. Try to figure out what she needs to get her ponies moving. They… really want the Family gone. She was visibly and emotionally upset at the treatment of the ponies they have captured.” I paused. “Oh… I forgot to mention. The ‘saboteurs’? They were actually envoys from Stable 9. They wanted to start trade with the Timberjacks, but got caught and beat up by the Family because Peculiar thought they were the ones that sabotaged the equipment.” I explained.
“Really? That’s interesting,” she said with a small smile as she headed to the door. “The Family seems to roll in with promises of help and partnership, and then just oozes into command. Wouldn’t surprise me if Buzzsaw has an ‘accident’ soon.” She tapped her chin. “I wonder if Buzzsaw knows? She started trading with the Family to help her people. Maybe Stable 9 had a better deal?”
I thought back to Puddle Splasher, and the little teal earth pony’s happiness and genuine desire to make friends. “I… think so. I wasn’t able to talk with them much. Their unicorn, Solidarity? He was in really, really bad shape. Peculiar really did a number on him. But Puddle Splasher, the earth pony? She seemed really motivated to make friends. She even said something about… Rihannon? I think? I think it was their overmare always talking about using friendship to heal the wasteland.” I shrugged. “I don’t know what that means, but… they weren’t lying when they said they wanted to trade food for lumber.”
“Wonder what a stable wants with lumber,” Blackjack mused. “Did they have anything in writing? Like an official letter from the Overmare to Buzzsaw?”
Huh, hadn’t thought of that. “Um, I don’t know. Maybe? I didn’t ask about it, but I would assume so? I just… don’t know that Buzzsaw got it. Peculiar seems kinda… well, the sort to ‘lose’ something like that, don’t you think?”
“I’m not so sure about that. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s holding on to it somewhere. He seems the kind to court disaster like that. Reminds me of Goldenblood,” she said with a sour twist of her lips.
“Then we need to get it! Or… figure out if he’s hiding it? Figure out how to overthrow the Family and get them out of here!” I paused as I realised just how crazy that sounded. “Uh… did I just suggest that we overthrow a major power in the wasteland?” Oh Cadence! I was gaining more of Blackjack’s crazy by the day!
“Just wait till they put a crown on your head. Then the real fun begins,” Blackjack said with a definite smirk.
I shuddered at the thought. “I’m one hundred percent positive that my neck would break under the weight of a crown. Please don’t make me a princess. That is way too much responsibility.”
“Pffft. As if anyone cares about that. First it's the crown and then there’s the plotting and scheming and before you know it you’re teleporting away to kill the Lightbringer,” she said with a snort and a wave of the hoof. “Let’s go find Basalt. I think she’s laying low. Folks may be giving you a wide berth after the face melty business, but things have gotten a little more tense around here for everyone else.”
We left the room in the abandoned house Blackjack had been taking care of me in. “Let’s find her, yeah. And we should get Bubblegum and Glitter. We kind of need help. A lot of help.” I blushed as I turned and looked at Blackjack. “I mean, n-not that you’re not capable on your own. But we do kinda want to keep the wasteland out of here.”
“I think it’s more getting it to leave,” she answered, her smile gone as we trotted down the street towards the mill. It hadn’t been like Fold was the most crowded settlement ever, but the streets seemed oddly empty, as if everypony was laying low, sensing a coming storm. I’d never imagined that I’d ever be the storm though! Oh goodness. Hurricane Threnody. That sounded ominous.
We made our way through the abandoned streets, when Blackjack suddenly grabbed me in her magic and pulled me into an alley. She covered my mouth with her hoof, pulling me tight against a nearby dumpster as a quartet of armoured ponies walked by. They all carried assault rifles on battlesaddles, and wore the riot armour that I’d come to recognize as that used by ponies who were loyal to the Family. We waited in silence, my heart racing as they passed.
“Looks like our luck ran out already. Let’s not stop and play with them right now,” Blackjack said softly after the ponies had passed. “Come on.”
We made our way through the back alleys to the old hotel that we’d stayed in the night before. Blackjack told me to hide while she ran up and got Bubblegum and Glitter. A few minutes later, there was a flash behind me and my alicorn friend, Bubblegum, and Blackjack all appeared.
“So what’s the plan, Boss?” Bubblegum asked upon spotting me. “You did quite a number on Sweetness’ face. I’m impressed.” he said, wearing a grin too charming to belong on… anyone!
I blushed and looked down at the ground. “We… need to find Basalt. She’s the head of the resistance.”
“Not a problem,” Blackjack said, turning to Glitterbomb. “Teleport us to Basalt,” she instructed matter of factly.
“But I don’t know where Basalt is!” Glitter protested.
Blackjack smirked. “What if I said that Basalt was thinking of taking Bubblegum on a date. Without your permission?” She asked, a slightly evil grin on her muzzle. Glitter Bomb’s head reared back, eyes wide, pupils shrinking to infuriated dots.
A second later, there was a purple flash and we were in Tree Hugger’s Fine Herb again, in front of a very alarmed Basalt Breaker.
“What? How?” The grey earth pony stammered.
Glitter leaned in, her nostrils flaring as she stared down the earth pony. “Stay away from my Bubbles!!” She commanded, her horn glowing dangerously.
“Isn’t it thrilling to be the object of every mare’s unbridled desire?” Blackjack asked Bubblegum as she trotted forward.
“Not particularly, no,” Bubblegum replied, grabbing onto Glitter’s tail and tugging her away from the very confused and scared earth pony mare. “Especially if one of the mares in your life gets a bit perturbed if you forget to turn the swag off.” Glitter mewled softly as Bubblegum patted her rump.
Blackjack was actually laughing as she put herself between the two. “Sorry. Needed to give Glitter a little incentive to find you,” she told the earth pony mare. “Guess things are getting interesting, huh?” she said with a toss of her mane as she looked at Basalt. “We’re working on a plan A. Have any ideas?”
“Plan A? I…” Basalt’s amethyst eyes met mine. “Well, our original plan was to find a way to prove to Buzz that she needed to kick out the Family once and for all. I… was going to try to get a lot of our unicorn fighters that are pretending to buy what the Family is selling to steal some of their weapons.” She turned to Blackjack. “You have a better idea, Fish?”
“Nope! Like that we’re on the same page,” she said with a smile. “Those ponies from Stable 9? Did they have some official papers or something on them? Like an official trade offer from their Overmare to Buzzsaw?” If this was all word of mouth, it was going to be a lot harder to convince Buzzsaw.
Basalt nodded. “Well, so far as I know they did. I talked with Solidarity about it before Peculiar got ahold of them. He said that,” She paused looking down at her hooves, her ears drooping. “He said that they really wanted to trade lumber for food. So we wouldn’t have to go hungry.”
“Right,” Blackjack nodded. “So somepony gets to go into Peculiar’s quarters and find it, take the evidence to Buzzsaw, and then have the Timberjacks armed and ready to toss out the Family.” She looked at me and Basalt. “I nominate you two.”
My eyes widened. “Wait. Us two? Uh, Bla-… I mean, er… Fish. Everypony in town is kind of looking for us. How in the hell is that going to work?” I frowned. “I mean, I am very small, but…” I trailed off, looking to Basalt. “Can I ask that of you?”
Basalt nodded. “I want to be able to save Buzzsaw. I’m… I just have a horrible feeling that Buzz will die if I don’t do something soon,” That familiar sound of shuffling filled my ears. “I can’t let her die. I won’t!”
I cocked my head at Basalt’s words. She felt… “You love her, don’t you?”
“Regardless,” Blackjack interrupted as Basalt dealt with that sledgehammer of question to the emotional kneecap, “I think you’re right to be worried. Threnody melted the face off one of the Family’s enforcers. Things are unstable, and they’ll probably move to take over the Timberjacks soon. Like, today. I don’t think they’re going to wait.”
I shook my head, stopping my mental process of little dolls of Basalt and Buzzsaw kissing in my head. “So we need to move fast. And while we’re at it…” I turned to Blackjack. “I think you need to get Solidarity. I got a look at his cutie mark. It was a group of pistols. Might be another fighter?”
“Sure, know where they’re keeping him?” she asked with a causal half smile, like this was all some sort of game.
“In the old mill. Down in the old ovens where they dried the lumber. It’s toward the base of camp where we keep all the cut wood,” Basalt explained. Those were ovens? Oh goddesses! I’d thought the jail was in some sort of freezer! “If you go there, Blue Belle should be standing guard. Tell her that you know about…” She flushed bright red again. “Tell her you know which way Basalt’s barn door swings.”
Bubblegum chuckled, then put a foreleg around Glitter’s neck. “See Glitter. You didn’t have to worry about Basalt trying to steal me away!” He paused. “Wait… you said you wanted to go out for a drink later!”
“I knew if you came for a drink, you’d probably bring these cuties with you,” Basalt said with a sniff.
Wait, what cuties? Glitter and Blackjack? I realised that Basalt was smiling at me. Oh! She means me, too! Why did that make me feel ill?
“Anyway,” I said, coughing into my hoof. “We better go. Black-argh. Fish is more experienced with this sort of thing. If she thinks things are going to go down soon, we better move.”
“Yup. Glitter and Bubblegum, get the guns and teleport them to the ovens with Soliwhatshisname and I, and when you get the evidence to Buzzsaw, we’ll be ready. Easy.”
Why did I suddenly feel like she’d just doomed us all?
Basalt and I had crept our way along the town, taking back alleys and little tunnels that only she seemed to know about to get into the Family’s enclave. I realised that I had a talent for being quiet along the way, often being looked over by guards when I swore I should have been seen. We made our way up toward Peculiar’s room, largely by feel. It wasn’t too hard to find once we were inside - it was the one place where nopony else would go.
Basalt pulled a bobby pin from her mane and set to picking the lock on Peculiar’s door.
“Does this feel too easy to you?” I asked, barely louder than a breath as Basalt worked on the door.
She didn’t answer for a moment, cutely sticking her tongue out of the left side of her mouth as she worked the screwdriver. As the lock opened with a soft click, she shook her head. “I don’t know. Maybe they’re off at a meeting or something. You know, evil plans with the Family. Maybe a seminar on how to be even bigger insufferable dicks to earth ponies?” She asked, spitting the bobby pin up into the air and back into her mane with a flick of her head.
I frowned as we made our way inside. I froze as I stepped into the room. Nothing inside of it made any sense. The colours all clashed in manners that made the spatial processing part of my brain stall and start crying. Purples and oranges and teals and browns painted in spirals that made my eyes wish that somepony had introduced Peculiar to a colour wheel. Repeatedly. And with great force. Strange geometric mobiles dangled from string hanging from the ceiling: pyramids and cubes and even more complex shapes made of copper wire. In the corner, a tiny music box began to play a tinny melody that seemed to wander up and down in slightly off tune notes. I didn’t want to imagine what the source of a sickly-sweet stench that hung about the place was. It made me want to breathe through my mouth, but that just made me taste it. Tart and foul, like licking a rotting apple.
“Where are we supposed to look?” Basalt asked, visibly disturbed by the decor. If you could call it decor. I had this distinct feeling that the Ministry of Image would have considered this room a capital offence.
“Uh… his desk drawer?” I asked, pointing toward a massive desk painted to look like it was missing a bit of one of its dimensions. “Or maybe his bedside stand?”
Basalt nodded. “I got the desk. You get the bedside.”
I trotted over to the bedside stand, and opened the single drawer. A massive cloud of sickly sweet smoke exploded outward, assaulting my senses. “Basalt!” I shouted, before the world started to shift before me. The spirals painted in the walls were spinning around me and the horrible, off key music started to echo in my ears, harmonizing with its own feedback into a tune that I couldn’t help but hum along with. As my world was filled with spirals, a deranged, distorted giggling filled my ear until it became my entire world.
I looked around in the twisting world. It was a trap. Of course it was a trap. I searched for the source of the giggling. “Peculiar?” I called out. “Where are you?”
“Still thinking three-dimensionally? So disappointing.” came the high pitched titter. Was it just me or were those dangling geometric shapes overhead swinging and jangling around to form his pudgy, laughing face? It had to be a hallucination. Or a psychic attack. I called out to Basalt, but she was lying on her side, eyes vacant, body twitching as if it were under assault. The panicked, terrified horror I felt glaring from her was poisoning me. “Well? Are you going to do to me what you did to poor, poor Sweetness. Sugary sugary sweetie pie...” he crooned as the world folded and divided about me.
I looked around, and remembered what Blackjack said about a dreamscape. I could take control. I had to take control. I unfurled my injured wing and took to the direction that I thought was up. But ended up falling down as my wing reminded me that there was to be no flying for at least a day or two. Then gravity had a change of heart about which way was up and I fell sideways. Okay, this was unhelpful. “I don’t want to hurt you, Peculiar. I just want you to leave!”
“What an interesting proposition! Let me think. Mmmm...” the mobile face rubbed it’s chin before concluding, “No!” Then it let out a high pitched giggle that sent the mobiles swaying wildly above me.
I frowned. “What are you doing here? Why do you even want Fold to begin with?” I asked, trying to move up to where the face was. No matter where I went, the face was always behind, above, beneath, or slowly moving away from me. Was this a dreamscape? Or was I awake and just seeing things? None of this made any sense at all!
He took on a simpering little pout. “Why, I am just a poor, humble servant sent to assist Buzzsaw in her management of the premises. A poor overworked, under appreciated consultant.” The voice turned sly. “Don’t you believe me?”
“Like hell! I know what you did to Solidarity! You lied to Buzzsaw about what the Stable 9 ponies were doing there. They wanted to bring food. And you locked them up and nearly killed one of them for it!” I glared at him, trying to project my will more strongly over the illusion. “Everything about you is illusions and obfuscations!”
The face disappeared, but the music hadn’t stopped. Had I gotten him? “If you only knew what we went through, perhaps you wouldn’t be so quick to judge,” I heard a tiny voice on my leg, and stared at Peculiar’s face staring out of my own coat rendered in individual hairs standing and laying flat. I could feel his mouth moving on my skin. “And here I thought you’d be happy with me. I almost killed Solidarity. Almost. But I didn’t. Isn’t that a good thing?” The simpering face asked with a pout.
I slapped at the face, with my cast only causing pain to my leg where I’d struck myself, and my other, already injured forelimb. “No! Hurting anypony is-” I stopped, realising just how hypocritical I was being. “You lied!” I protested.
“I did no such thing,” said a voice from a mirror over the nightstand, and I stared at my own reflection, facing the wrong way and protesting its innocence. “The family had an agreement with Buzzsaw. Terms and conditions. An agreement. An... understanding. I certainly couldn’t just let a competitor walk in with lies and deceptions. Do you know what goes on in Stable 9? I doooo!” my reflection crooned, her neck twisting at impossible angles, eyes spinning madly in their sockets before suddenly fixing on me.
“Well, I don’t know. But I do know that Puddle Splasher is one of the kindest, most honest ponies I’ve ever met. So it can’t be bad!” I said, punching the mirror with my left hoof. I cried out in pain as my injured hoof reminded me again that using it was a bad idea. Why did it feel like the glass was digging into the frog of my hoof? It was so hard to think. Basalt was like a beacon of torment, burning away my focus, and I couldn’t help but suck it up.
“Oh really?” Came a rasp from under my hoof, and I turned to see a face lacerated into the soft flesh. “So naive. You know, your Heartmenders didn’t tell you everything. You know they had their own secrets and lies.” The oozing gash in my flesh smirked, a tongue of bloody glass sticking out at me.
I glared down at him. “Everypony lies. It’s not a secret. It’s not even unexpected. So what if Sandalwood didn’t tell me everything? So what if Slate wasn’t completely truthful? So what if Heartshine has her dark secrets? That doesn’t matter! You lie just as much as I do. We all lie!” I shouted, smashing my hoof into the ground. The glass felt like it was scraping into my coffin bone, and I screamed. When I screamed, Basalt’s body twitched violently, like she was starting to seize. Oh hells, I was killing her by not ending this quickly!
My face tingled, as the horrible melody played up and down and up and down as if concepts like tempo and key were an affront to it. Then I felt myself speak, heard his giggling, lispy words in my own voice. “Well then, you’re just... like... me...”
I was nothing like him. I had my friends. Who the hell did he have? “I am nothing like you!” I roared, flailing my wings out at the fractured image of me in the mirror. I hobbled over to Basalt’s side smarting as my injured left wing reminded me that no, this wasn’t exactly a mindscape, and that yes, things did hurt like hell. I stumbled over to her, covering her with my body. “I have ponies to protect! What the fuck do you have?”
“We have each other. Together. Forever,” came the whisper from underneath me. Basalt twisted her head to stare up at me, her eyes darted rapidly in different directions as she grinned from ear to ear. “Are you going to melt my face now?” she rasped as she stared at me.
“I am not yours!” I said, squeezing my eyes shut so I couldn’t see his face. I needed to focus. I wasn’t going to beat him with words. I needed to know what was real.
Then it hit me. My wing. I flailed out my left wing. The strained muscles and bruised tendons cried out in protest at my moving it. I stamped my left hoof into the floor, driving more glass into the frog. The music rose. The music fell. The music rose. The music fell... the music...
“I. Am. Not. Yours!” I said, listening for the source of the music. Where was that music box? I peered past the swirling spirals and impossible geometry, spotting the music box on the bedside stand. Had to get to it!
The room seemed to stretch before me like taffy, undulating like rubber as I tried to cross the distance, the whole while keeping my wing pinched, the stab of pain twisting in the joint. All else could be an illusion, but the pain, the pain was real, the pain was certain. Step. Step. Step. It seemed like the bedroom had become a hallway. The walls twisted into a garish face, the music box on the tip of a snaking tongue. “No! Noooo! Not yet! We have so much more to talk about! So much more left to do! I haven’t finished taking you apart yet! I must know! I must understand you! I must! I must! I must!” he shrieked as I lunged. It seemed like a mile or more, time slowing down as the shrieks came faster and faster.
Then my chest slammed into the nightstand, my forelegs wrapped around the tacky music box. I lifted it over my head. “You must,” I roared, “shut up!” And I threw it down with all my strength.
The box smashed open in an immensely satisfying shower of steel and brass confetti, the meandering melody cut off as if by a knife, and I stood there as the guts of the machine pinged softly over the floor and all was silent, save for Basalt’s groans and my own ragged breaths.
“Basalt?” I rasped, limping over to her side.
Basalt opened her eyes, and rubbed her temple. “Luna, Celestia, and Cadence. Did somepony get a number on that widowmaker that got me?” She asked, rolling to her hooves.
I wasn’t sure what a widowmaker was, but I shook my head. “I think this place was trapped. But we better get out of here.”
Basalt nodded as she got to her hooves and started rummaging through the dresser. I made my way over to the bedside stand. Pulling out a bag of caps, I found what I was looking for. A small package with the number 9 on it.
“I found it!” I called quietly. “We better get back to Blackjack and everyone!” I said without thinking of using my friend’s alias.
“Blackjack?” Basalt asked, cocking her head to the side. “Wait… who is Blackjack?”
“Er… Fish. You know, don’t worry about it!” I lied. “We better get this to her and to Buzzsaw!”
Basalt nodded. “Right. Got the evidence. Now to go save the girl!” She said with a grin.
I chuckled. “Uh, Basalt, does Buzzsaw’s barn door even swing that way?” I asked as we stepped out of the door.
She nearly tripped as my question stuck like a knife in her chest. “Um... no. No, it don’t. But that doesn’t matter, got it?” She snapped, thrusting a hoof at me. “We’re saving her, no matter what!”
Crack! Ping!
Basalt and I hit the ground as a bullet pinged off of the door hinge. Basalt grabbed me around the barrel and rolled us back into Peculiar’s room as an assault rifle chattered, chewing holes in the wall, and peppering us with chunks of drywall and splinters.
“Shit!” Basalt swore, and flicked her tail. Those two chisel hooves flew out of her tail as she thrust her hooves into them. “They know!”
“Which means our friends are in trouble!” I cried out, drawing my plasma defender. “We’ve got to get out of here!”
A white unicorn’s head appeared in the doorway, and just as quickly ducked back as I fired off a pair of rounds at him. The green glowing blobs of disintegration magic blew a hole in the doorframe, and in the hall outside.
“Surrender! We’ve got you surrounded!” A commanding voice bellowed. Basalt pulled me down as the assault rifle fired again. “Surrender in the name of the Family!”
“Threnody, we’ve been set up,” Basalt said quietly, slipping off her chisel hooves. “Hide that package in your barding.”
I nodded, stuffing the folder down the breast of my barding. She let out a sigh of relief as I hid it from sight.
I put down my defender, and followed Basalt out of Peculiar’s room. A group of four armoured unicorns trained their assault rifles on us as we came .
The unicorn in charge glared at us, and slapped Basalt across the muzzle. The grey earth pony glared back at him defiantly as his partners levitated sturdy cuffs around our hooves.
The stallion looked down at his pipbuck, and triggered a broadcaster. “Sir? This is Security Team B. We’ve got the terrorists.” He said, smirking at us. “Do you want us to bring them to the head office?” He put his hoof to an earbloom to listen, then nodded. “Yes sir, Captain Elusive. I’ll bring them in.”
“Who is Captain Elusive?” I asked, still looking at the hoofcuffs.
The stallion glared at me. “He’s the new mayor of this town. The Family is taking over.” He said, jabbing at my shoulder with the butt of his rifle.
Basalt’s head shot up. “New mayor? But… but Buzzsaw-”
“Buzzsaw has been executed for collaboration with terrorists like you.” He said matter of factly, not flinching as tears welled up in Basalt’s eyes. “We are in charge of Fold now.”
Level Up! Level 4 Reached New Perk: Extra SPECIAL Endurance +1
Level Up! Level 5 Reached New Perk: Student of the Followers +5 points to Medicine and Science.
“The battle in life is, in most cases, fought uphill; and to win it without a struggle were perhaps to win it without honour. If there were no difficulties, there would be no success. If there were nothing to be struggled for, there would be nothing to be achieved.” - Sunny Smiles, 4th Lunar Guards, to new recruits to the Lunar Guard Academy
“In difficult ground, press on. In encircled ground, devise stratagems. In Death Ground, Fight.” - Sun Tzu from ‘The Art of War’
My chest felt like it was going to cave in beneath me as the weight of Basalt Breaker’s grief struck me like an out of control Raptor. Our eyes met, jade to amethyst, and in that moment we both shared terrible, dread certainty. She knew, as did I, that we were about to die, and there was nothing we could do about it. Time seemed to slow down as the head guard withdrew a massive .44 magnum from his saddlebags with his grey magic. Even in what I was convinced were my final moments, a part of my brain had to admire cutie mark rendered in gems that was embedded in the grip.
A two-toned violet made out of amethyst and citrine. Odd.
The stallion looked down at me as he levelled the gun between my eyes. “Any last words, little terrorist?” He asked, the handsome revolver’s hammer seeming to cock itself as it floated, suspended in his magic.
Then the room exploded in purple light.
“Where’re my guns?!” A loud, baritone voice bellowed from a little ways down the hall. Our captors were just in the process of turning toward the new threat as I watched the gems glow on the base of the pistol, and it squirmed free of the unicorn’s magical grasp, flying into – Solidarity’s?
Glitter Bomb, Bubblegum, Blackjack, and Solidarity stood at the end of the hall, all looking varying degrees of pissed off. I honestly wasn’t sure who looked the shootiest at that moment: Blackjack or Solidarity.
The unicorn guard who’d captured us looked stunned a moment as two more magnums with glowing cutie mark gems shot out of his saddlebag and into Solidarity’s magical grasp.
“You done fucked up, boy,” The unicorn drawled, before pulling the trigger on all three pistols. My already abused hearing sunk into nothingness, replaced by an already distressingly familiar ringing as the lead stallion’s head exploded.
Blackjack’s horn flared as she teleported between me and the guard behind me. Her horn flared again as her magical blade flashed through the air. The guardmare’s body slumped, her head rolling free, carried away by a surge of blood gouting from her neck stump, spraying my friend.
I watched in mute horror as the mare’s head rolled across the floor. Confusion. Panic. Terror, such bottomless, all-consuming terror. My vision swam and I tasted copper, but as it peaked, the feedback ebbed away to nothing, leaving a horrid void where the mare’s head had come to rest.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw my blood-drenched friend’s head turn. The third guard’s horn flared and I braced myself for another ordeal, but there was the telltale pop of a savvy unicorn making a mercifully sharp exit as he got the hell out of the carnage that was the hallway. Part of me wanted to join him.
I numbly wondered if there was an earthquake happening as Blackjack used a bobbypin to pick the lock on my cuffs. The ground was moving so fast, it was hard to keep stable on my three good hooves. It wasn’t until Glitter trotted over and put a wing over me that I realised that it wasn’t the ground that was shaking. It was me.
Basalt collapsed to her side as soon as Blackjack opened her hoofcuffs. Great sobs wracked the strong mare’s body, and grief once again flooded the hallway, threatening anew to drown me in her sorrow. I went to move toward Basalt, to offer her some comfort, but Blackjack stepped in between us.
“Stay.” She commanded, her voice soft and strong as silk, even through the whistling of my thankfully diminishing tinnitus; a striking contrast to the blood that had stained her white coat a bright red, dripping from her jaw and down her left side. “Give her a moment, then we move.” She whispered, pausing. “Are you okay?”
“I–” I set my left forehoof down, and winced as it reminded me that I currently had shards of mirror embedded in my frog. Blackjack just shook her head at me as I turned the hoof over.
“I’m going to put you in a permanent protective shield, I swear,” She said, using her magic to pull the broken pieces of mirror from my hoof. “I know you don’t like mirrors, Thren, but did you really have to punish one using your already injured hoof?” She teased. Though the concern beneath the surface belied the levity in her voice.
“Yeah Thren, you need to stop getting hurted,” Glitter replied, gently booping my nose with her forehoof. “Especially since you’re already kinda fragile.”
I frowned up at Glitter. “I’m not that fragile!” I tried to not wince as Blackjack finished pulling the silvered splinters of glass out of my hoof, and rebandaged it. Okay, maybe I was a little fragile. “Glitter, can you go into that room and get my gun and Basalt’s hoof chisels?” I asked. My big purple friend nodded happily and trotted off to get our weapons.
“Fish, I think we’d best be movin’ on,” Solidarity said as he and Bubblegum trotted over to Basalt’s side. The mare’s cheeks were stained black with tears, and she curled up as the two stallions approached.
“Just leave me here. I’m not gonna be any use to any of you!” She sobbed.
Solidarity grit his teeth, and looked helplessly over at us mares.
Bubblegum sighed and very gently began stroking Basalt’s mane. “Basalt, none of us here is a stranger to loss. But we need you right now. Blue Belle is counting on you being able to fight if we’re going to beat the Family. This has the potential to turn from a revolt to a massacre really fast.” He said softly.
Something in Bubblegum’s voice - the slight quaver that came when he spoke of our own losses - brought Basalt’s head up. They shared a long look, then she wiped her eyes. I felt flickers of pain and bitter sorrow radiating from Bubblegum as he helped Basalt to her hooves, and mentally logged it away as another mystery about the big periwinkle pony.
“Right. Blue Belle. Killing the bastards that did this. Killin’ ‘em all,” Basalt said, her amethyst eyes dark and hollow.
“It is so weird to think of a Blue Belle as a frail unicorn. The one I knew was an earth pony that could probably turn this place upside down with a well-timed fart,” Blackjack whispered to me, catching me off-guard and making me snort out a spray of bloody snot. Through it all, I could at least rely on Blackjack to be Blackjack. She passed me a rag. “Gross. Blood boogers,” She commented with a smirk before turning to Glitter. “Glitter?” she asked, pulling me close to her. “If you please.”
“One trip to the nice blue pony!” Glitter said, her horn flaring with purple magic. A long, inner ear bending, feeling-like-you’ve-been-pulled-through-an-eye-of-a-needle moment later, we appeared in the wood drying ovens that the Timberjacks had turned into a jail. A palomino blurr nearly knocked Solidarity off of his hooves as Hyacinth flew into him, wrapping her forelegs around the stallion in a tight hug. I spotted Puddle Splasher’s mane bouncing on the other side of Bubblegum, and assumed that she was happy to see that Solidarity was back as well.
“Oh thank Luna,” Blue Belle said breathlessly as she rushed over to Basalt’s side. “Basalt, I–”
Basalt breaker cut her off with a dagger-sharp look. “You got my hoof-chisels?” She demanded of Glitter, a growing flicker of scorching anger beginning to melt and burn the solid mass of desolate pain at her core into hate tough as steel and sharp as glass. “I have a few Family Hornheads who I need to turn into earth ponies.”
Blue Belle looked sick at Basalt’s outburst, but Blackjack merely laughed. “Good!” She said, stepping between Blue Belle and Basalt. “Keep that fire. Keep that anger. You’ll need it if we’re going to pull this off.”
Pull what off? I wondered. As far as I knew, our plans had turned to so much brahmin shit, and the only other plan was Blackjack’s plan B. I really, really wasn’t in the mood for the bone-dry cackling following that thought as it passed through my head.
“Fuck you!” I shouted, whirling around to see if I could spot the ghostly apparition, but the Dealer must have decided it would be funnier to watch me look like a crazy filly as he made me bark at literally nothing.
Everypony but Blackjack gave me confused looks. Her ruby eyes were filled with something else: sorrow. But with a force of will only I could detect, she quickly hardened them back to the colour of blood as she spoke. “Blue Belle, you’re sure that you can get everypony situated in time?” She asked, letting a rather uncharacteristic quaver of anxiety carry through on her voice. “Cause I know we’re going up against this with… well… not much.”
Basalt Breaker glared at Blackjack. “You want out, Fish? Now’s the time to leave. You and your damned alicorn can go ahead and teleport out of here now!” She snapped, stabbing a hoof in Blackjack’s direction as hate continued to crystalise and grow amid the billowing hurricane of emotions that was rapidly building within the strong mare. “Cause we can handle this ourselves!”
Blue Belle put a hoof on Basalt’s foreleg. “It’s my ponies she’s talking about, Basalt,” She said quietly. “I know that your ponies are more than ready for a fight, but axes and varmint rifles could really use a little bit of help from us,” She explained, nodding toward the pair of assault rifles loaded into her battle saddle. “I know you want to take the Family apart with nought’ but your hooves, but I’d prefer you survive so you can stick around for a spell after this whole mess gets sorted.”
Solidarity stepped forward. “Not to put too fine a point on it, Fold’ll be wantin’ leaders after the dust settles. Especially without Buzzsaw here to sweep up the pieces,” The big unicorn said. I did my best to ignore the dry laughter that floated somewhere around my right ear.
I frowned as the other ponies started talking battle plans, and limped to the corner of the room. My hoof hurt, my heart hurt, my head hurt, and I was realising more and more that I was having to rely on lip reading in order to follow some parts of the conversation. Which meant that the more ponies who were making war plans, the less detail I was able to tease from the throng of flapping lips and tongues about exactly what they were trying to plan. I closed my eyes and covered my ears with my hooves. It didn’t seem to make much difference to what I could hear. Was that just because of Solidarity’s pistols?
“You know it’s not just the pistols, right kid?” A dry, dusty voice said. “You thought you could just take all that hate and anger you’ve stored up and dump it into somepony else? Well, guess you proved you can. Only now you’re learnin’ things like that got consequences. Heartmenders oughta know better.”
All at once, the conversations of everypony else dwindled to indistinct whispers. I looked up, realising that they were still talking about… tactics? Or the coming fight? Whatever was being said was lost somewhere between their lips and my ears, leaving all background noise as a low burbling like a quiet brook. I couldn’t muster the effort to care as I stared at the bony pony floating in front of me. “What do you want?” I asked, “And why do you keep bothering me?”
The Dealer shuffled his cards in his broken hooves, then tipped back his cowpony hat. “What I want is for the wasteland to continue. To spread. Ponies keep trying to make me go away,” he let out a papery chuckle, ”Truth of the matter is, I’m part of all o’ ya. Right here,” he said, his ghostly hoof poking at my chest. “Always have been. Always will be. You heartmenders of all ponies should know that first hoof.”
I frowned at the Dealer. “Well, whether or not we know that is neither here nor there. What do you want with me?” I demanded. “Blackjack said she thought you died when Echo died, whoever the hell he was, but now you’re talking to me, and it’s the first time I’ve honestly seen Blackjack scared of anything. Save for prolonged periods of sobriety.”
The Dealer laughed, dust seeming to shake free of his rattling bones and settle around my hooves as he did. “Echo was just a handy mask to stop Blackjack gettin’ too wise too soon. That mare is a fascinating curiosity, wouldn’t you say?” He asked, pulling a card from his deck and holding up the Queen of Spades. He spun the card around, Blackjack’s appearance changing from a young unicorn, to a young unicorn with braced legs, to a cybernetically enhanced mare, to a horrifying abomination of metal and magical technology. “I never tired of playin’ with her, ‘cause no matter what she did, all she managed to do was bring more of the wasteland around. With her in my hand, I couldn’t lose.” He shook his head. “Until she stopped the Eater, that is. Talk about a bad beat.”
I watched the bony stallion as he put Blackjack back in his deck. “Now she’s with you, and fixin’ not to let me get anywhere near where she walks,” He said with a smirk. “Can’t imagine why that is.”
“Why are you bothering me, then?” I asked, pinning my ears back as the ringing grew more intense, drowning out nearly all the sound around me. “Because the way I see it, my entire purpose is to make sure that you disappear on the wind like the dust that you’re made of!”
Dealer threw back his head and laughed. “Ho! My, aren’t you an arrogant little one? You think because you’re a heartmender, that you have some magical power to keep me outta here?” he mocked, spreading his hooves wide.
“Well, I–”
He came in close, resting a cracked, dessicated hoof on my chest. He was just an illusion, but still, I felt something heavy and dead settle in my chest. “You think you can even keep me outta here?” The weight grew heavier, I could still breathe, but it was like my lungs just weren’t pulling enough oxygen from the air. “Why don’t we ask our friend Sweetness what she thinks of how the newest ‘Saviour o’ the Wasteland is shapin’ up, hmm?”
Dealer leaned in closer. Close enough that I could have sworn I could smell old death on his breath. “You. The Followers. Your heartmending friends. All o’ ya. Doomed. Doomed to fail until you can figure out what makes ponies go wrong in the first place. Till then? Well,” He eased off and went back to shuffling his cards.
An unsettling silence replaced the awful ringing in my ears. I swivelled them about, desperate to hear… anything. “You didn’t answer the question,” I said, but my words sounded like they were being said underwater.
“Yer a conundrum,” he said, pulling a card from his deck. It wasn’t a playing card, but something I’d only read about. A tarot card, labelled ‘the Tower.’ The card showed Shadowbolt Tower before its destruction by Blackjack whose small form floated near it, an abominable melding of flesh and machine. Then he drew a queen of hearts bearing my face. “You follow in the wake of the chaos she sows, the death and destruction, tryin’ all the while to heal those around you. As if following in her hoofprints will somehow give you the power to undo what she’s wrought.” He pulled another card, smirked as he flipped it over. It read ‘the Fool’, the unambiguous picture of a shrugging blonde mare with crossed eyes made didn’t seem to offer much room for interpretation.
“So leave me alone,” I said softly, barely able to hear my words. I glared at him impotently, hoping that the shade would decide to just leave.
“Ah, but I’m not through with you yet. You see–” He started, then suddenly vanished. I looked around to see where he’d gone, but only manage to catch Blackjack’s gaze. She somehow managed to look paler than normal as she trotted over to me.
“--- y-- -k?” She asked. I rubbed my ears, so she repeated herself. “I j--- -aw De--er. Are. --u. Okay?”
I nodded. “I… he…” I shrugged helplessly, unable to explain the conversation. All at once, my hearing returned, and I laid my ears back as the sudden loudness of the room rushed in on me.
Blackjack’s eyes glanced to the top of my head, then back down to me. “Say anything particularly thrilling?” She asked, a smirk on her muzzle, but her emotions told me that she was taut as a hunter’s snare.
“Oh, you know. That you were the wake of destruction that I was following, and that I am a very dumb pony for doing so,” I said, frowning down at my injured hoof. The hapless expression worn by the mare on his last card came to the fore in my mind.
“Oh, so his usual bullshit. Has he called me the Star Maiden yet?” She quipped.
“No, that didn’t come up. Though he did say I was arrogant for thinking that the Heartmenders could help heal the wasteland,” I replied wryly. Blackjack’s lack of reply brought my head up. “Oh not you too!”
She shrugged at me. “I’m just saying, I tried to save the wasteland and died like… four times. It’s still broke,” She said sadly, hooking a foreleg over my shoulder. “Threnody,” She said, her tone and emotional state suddenly very serious. “I don’t want you out there.”
I looked up at her, alarmed. “What do you mean you don’t want me out there with you! You’ll need my help! You’ll…” I trailed off, realising that Blackjack was right. She was a fighter. Glitter hardly needed to be a fighter with the raw power she wielded. Bubblegum had been fighting to survive all his life. I…
I read books.
Blackjack just gave me a flat look. “Thren, you’ve got 3 good hooves, and you can’t fly. What are you going to do? Limp around shooting and hoping they take pity and don’t return fire?? That’s a good way to get shot. Repeatedly.” She shook her head. “No, you are staying put, and that’s final.”
I looked helplessly at Bubblegum and Glitter, but the two of them were too busy speaking in low tones to each other, their heads close together as they shared significant looks. Bubblegum’s face was a grim mask, while Glitter managed to smile despite the weight of what was to come.
“But!” Puddle Splasher shouted, drawing my attention off of the two solemn lovebirds. “I want to help!”
Solidarity knelt down to reach Puddle’s height. “Look now, darlin’. You want no part of what’s comin’, and even if you did, you weren’t given a weapon on leaving the stable for good reason. What makes you think I’m going to give you one now?” He chided gently.
“Because I can help!” Puddle insisted, before attempting to overcome the unicorn stallion with a freakishly adorable pout.
Solidarity didn’t seem impressed. “Look. You’re Rhiannon’s niece. I am not letting you get yerself shot, and having to explain to our Overmare why I gave you the gun that you done got yourself shot with,” He drawled. Then he pointed a hoof my way. “Stay here with Threnody. She ain’t going out either.”
Puddle’s mane straightened out as her ears drooped. “But… why is Cynthi going? She’s your–”
Solidarity gave Puddle a very long, very hard look. “She’s goin’ out because she knows what to do. None of us like fighting. Not a one. But if there’s killin’ needs be done, well…” He pulled out one of his magnums and looked it over. “Might as well be done by one of the few lawstallions left in these parts.”
Law stallion? Like… a sheriff? I added that to my list of things to ask Puddle about now that she was stuck with me. I gave her a reassuring smile as the seafoam green mare trudged over to my side and flopped down.
“It’s not fair! Everypony else is risking their lives! Why can’t–”
“Cause like Solidarity said, you’re not trained,” I replied quietly, causing Puddle Splasher to look my way. “I’m not saying that to be mean, Puddle. I’m saying it cause the first time I was training with firearms, I shot Fish because I wasn’t careful,” I offered what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “Not saying that’d happen to you. But if you didn’t do well with just training before you left… there’s probably a reason Solidarity won’t let you have a gun.”
Puddle Splasher poked her hooves together, then sighed. “I couldn’t shoot the target,” she admitted.
“Hey, that’s not so bad!” I said, giving her a smile. “It took me most of my first magazine to even hit the bot-”
“I wasn’t shooting at a bottle,” Puddle said, looking hurt. “We… have a shooting range in Stable 9. It was part of the original plans for the security in the stable. But… our paper targets were shaped like ponies.” She looked down at her hooves. “I couldn’t shoot them.”
Ebony sorrow mixed with dark red shame at the memory pooled around the petite earth pony’s hooves. I frowned, then pulled out my plasma defender and set it down in front of Puddle. “If you want to know the truth? I’ve never shot anypony with this. Never actually shot at them, come to that. I’ve shot near ponies that were shooting at us in Three Rivers, but… I didn’t hit anypony.” I left out the part where I was shot because I couldn’t even shoot in self-defence. “What I’m trying to say, Puddle, is that not everypony can do what Fish and Solidarity do. And, even though they may do it well, that doesn’t mean that every life they take doesn’t leave some sort of scar on their heart.”
Puddle lightly nudged the gun away. “I know. Solidarity always looks sad when he talks about ponies that he had to ‘take down’,” She said, making little air quotes with her hooves. The sight was adorable enough to tug a brief smile out of me, despite the grave time and our glum surroundings. “He doesn’t even like to admit that he’s killed ponies as constable of Stable 9. It was kinda rare that he would, but…” She trailed off and shook her head. “There was a time that we were attacked by the Steel Rangers. They wanted in, and cause, well, we believe in the magic of Friendship, we wanted to make new friends!” She said with a sad smile. “But then they started shooting. Our head of security died. A lot of our friends and family died. Then Solidarity came down from his office. Only two Rangers got out.”
Given the trio of pistols-cum-light artillery pieces that Solidarity fielded, I wasn’t surprised. But it was mildly intimidating to hear that there was another pony in the wasteland that probably could put Blackjack through her paces. Yet, from the outside, he seemed so… normal.
I cocked my ear to the side. “He seems so…” I waggled my bandaged left hoof, trying to figure out how to put into words what I felt from him. Which, to be honest, was very little.
“Stoic?” Puddle giggled. “He’s… spent a lot of time with Rhiannon. She’s not only our overmare, but she’s a heartmender. She and Solidarity kinda have an understanding.” She waved a hoof in front of me. “You okay?”
I closed my open jaw. “Yeah… fine. Wait, she’s a heartmender?”
Puddle nodded. “That’s her special talent. She’s been using it since she was little. And… well, since her father was killed during the attack I just told you about, she took over. Kinda young, too. She’s only 47.”
I’d made the unfortunate choice of taking a sip of water from a bottle I’d stored in my bag when Puddle gave me Rhiannon’s age, and sputtered. “What? Forty-seven is young?” I squeaked. My mom was pushing forty-five, and I wasn’t quite sure how many years she had left in her. Mind, mom lived as a whore for most of her life, so that likely had at least something to do with her reduced life expectancy.
Puddle’s ears wilted. “Oh… sorry. I forget that when you grow up in a Stable, you live longer.”
I waved her off. “No, no, it’s fine it’s just-”
“Threnody!” Blackjack called from the massive door to the ovens. “They’re calling all the townsponies together. We’re going to make our move.” She glanced over at Basalt Breaker, who grit her teeth. “I’m leaving one of the guards to keep you two safe. But don’t come out unless one of us gets you.”
My stomach decided to hover somewhere around the back of my throat as I watched my friends leave me behind. As the great steel door to the oven shut, the empty space that the dozen or so ponies vacated was quickly filled up to the ceiling with anxiety.
Puddle Splasher grabbed my right hoof, the unicorn stallion’s presence quickly forgotten. “They’re… coming back, right?”
I nodded stiffly. “Yeah. Sure. Probably gonna be like, no more than thirty minutes. Then we’ll have freed the town, and you all can buy the lumber you wanted.” I paused a moment as stark silence settled over the room. “What does Stable 9 want with the lumber anyway?” I asked.
“Oh! We’re going to expand our stable out of Mt. Hoof! We’ve been growing so much, and made so many new friends that we’re gonna try to start rebuilding Hoof River. Or… we were, before the mean ponies here beat up Solidarity and locked us in the cages.”
Puddle and I sat in anxious silence for what felt like an eternity. Inside of the old ovens-turned-jail, we couldn’t really hear what was going on outside. I flexed my good wing as I started pacing – well, okay, more hobbling really -- about the small room. My seafoam green companion sighed, and pulled out a magazine from her saddlebags.
“Oh! You got your stuff back!” I said as I watched her read.
Puddle nodded. “The mean ponies didn’t make it too difficult to find, and once we were free we sort of just took it back,” She explained, flipping through a well worn copy of Meeting Ponies. “But… I mean, it is nice to have something to read.” She frowned down at the magazine, and gave it a halfhearted tap with her hoof. “What am I saying. Oh yay! I have something to read while my friends are out getting ready to fight for their lives. Ooo!” She suddenly started digging through her saddlebag. “And eat! Good thing they didn’t check too closely!” Her false cheer faltered, but a small smile remained as she tossed me a cherry snack cake.
The snack cake did little to calm my nerves, but it did help smooth over the small pit of hunger that’d starting to form in my belly. A part of me chastised myself for, yet again, not taking care of myself. But then again, Blackjack hadn’t really offered me anything, and we were kind of trying to prevent a major catastrophe from happening in Fold. Besides, I looked positively fat compared to some of the earth ponies that lived in town.
The high pitched chatter of an assault carbine startled Puddle and I. Whoever was shooting fired off what felt like the longest burst in the world, which was followed by the most unsettling silence.
The guardstallion waved a brown hoof at us. “Easy girls.” He said reassuringly.
Pain, fear, anger, hate, horror. All sorts of emotions flowed down from the town and into the little space where Puddle and I were hidden. A huge part of me wished I was hidden away from everything, not just from view.
A muffled explosion quickly followed, a twinge of regret that felt distinctly pink added itself to the maelstrom of emotions going on above my head.
...Then the shooting really started.
I flinched as pain and fear threatened to overwhelm my senses. I dove beneath the cot in the makeshift jail cell, and pressed my hooves over my ears. I wasn’t scared. Not really. But the sheer churning, flowing tide of potent negative emotion was quickly overwhelming my senses. It took everything in me to put up every mental shield I could think of as gunshots, shouts, and explosions roared overhead.
It wasn’t enough.
The worst part of it was when a swirl of emotion, no matter how insignificant, suddenly stopped. In my head, even as the fighting started, I could sanitise the situation; make believe that the fighting was all minor wounds and chasing the Family out of town. That bloodless illusion was shattered anew every time I suddenly felt an emotion stop told me that somepony’s life had ended. The fantasy broke over and over again, with each new hole torn in my perception as another pony’s life was snatched away. As if to mock me for ever daring to be so naïve in the first place. Tears started pouring down my face as rage and loss and howling despair began to join the horrific torrent of emotions that unceasingly assaulted my senses.
Dammit! And there was nothing I could do about it! It struck me that this must have been how the war-era heartmenders felt. As the battle raged on overhead, it made me come to realise just why so many of them died. And why so many of those overworked heartmenders ultimately took their own lives. To be in the battle was to know fear and suffering. To be a heartmender near a battle was akin to becoming an unwilling, captive bedfellow to death itself.
I felt a hoof stroking my mane, and looked up into Puddle Splasher’s maroon eyes. “I’d ask if you were okay, but… your nose is bleeding,” She said, wiping my nose with a rag.
“Son of a whore!” I spat, causing Puddle to start and drawing an anxious chuckle out of our guard as I rubbed my nose. “S-sorry. I… argh. I hate it when that happens.”
“Empathic feedback?”
I nodded. “Yeah… feedback. From the battle outside,” Tears welled at the corners of my eyes. “Dammit, I’m not even up there! Why the hell are my… emotional shields not working?”
Puddle continued petting my mane. “Because you care. And because, well, as Rhiannon explained it, heartmenders feel too much already. You being near a big fight like this? It’s no wonder that it’s just as bad for you as the bullets flying up there are for everypony else.”
An explosion that felt a lot closer than the others made the two of us jump. Which also had the unfortunate effect of causing the both of us to simultaneously whack our heads on the underside of the cot. Rubbing the top of my head, I crawled out from the cot, swivelling my ears around to make sure that–
CRACKCRACKCRACK!
A trio of dents appeared on our side of the big steel door. I dove for my pistol, momentarily forgetting that I couldn’t fly, and ended up in a pony-shaped heap at the bottom of the far wall. But at least the plasma defender was within easy gripping distance! My tail flopped onto my face as I looked back across the room at Puddle’s terror filled eyes. Shaking myself, I got onto my three good legs and aimed the pistol toward the door. The guard stallion waved me back as he made his way toward the latch. He put his ear to the door, and waited for several long, tense moments before relaxing.
“I’m going to check to see what that was,” he said, cool purple magic flowing around the door latch.
Puddle and I both made motions begging him not to go outside, but he ignored us as he poked his head through the crack in the door.
“No one’s out there, I just want to make sure they don’t need me,” He said slipping through the door. He turned to face me. “If they don’t, I’ll be right–”
Crack! Brratt!
The stallion’s eyes widened and shock impaled me against the metal wall. I watched his horn flare, and he let out a roar as he slammed the door shut behind him. The coat on the back of my neck stood on end as I felt something strange from him: purpose. The moment of altruism from a stallion whose name I’d never learned stunned me as several more gunshots echoed into our hiding place, and like too many others, his mote of emotions vanished.
Something warm trickled down from my left ear as I watched the latch on the door slide open. I didn’t recognize the colour of the hoof that opened the door, so I opened fire. Small green balls of disintegration magic flew into the gap, missing her, but causing the mare on the other side of the door to yelp and jump back.
Puddle Splasher slammed her small frame into the door, causing it to lock closed again. I waved her behind me with my good wing. I could feel the blood pulsing in my ears. Every nerve in my body felt like it was standing on end.
The ponies on the other side of the door opened fire once again, and more dents appeared on our side of the door, causing Puddle to squeak in terror as she tried to put as much distance between herself and the shooting. She dove under my barrel, and covered her ears with her hooves.
BOOMF!
The door exploded inward, shards of metal and fluffy pink insulation flying in all directions. I tackled Puddle to the floor, covering her with my frail form as shrapnel peppered my armour and the back of my neck. I had the briefest moment of panic when I realised that we’d ended up muzzle to muzzle, but shook myself and retrieved my gun.
Keeping Puddle covered, I fired a few rounds off through the shattered remains of the door. The little marker that told me how many rounds left ticked lower and lower with every shot. Breathing hard, I waited for somepony to fire back. At first there was nothing, then the dreadfully familiar report of an assault carbine roared, spraying the room with fire.
A sick part of my mind noted that if I were taller, that barrage could have been deadly. As it stood, all it did was ruffle the top of my mane and pockmark the walls behind me with more holes. I held my fire, waiting to see who emerged from the smoke. A moment later, a dark green unicorn mare stepped through the shattered door, her assault carbine levitated in front of her.
Now I actually had a target, I couldn’t bring myself to shoot her, so I unloaded my pistol at her carbine. Sparkling green balls of disintegration magic slammed into the metal barrel, cratering it. The mare dropped the rifle in surprise as one of the bolts melted a hole through the magwell. Molten plastic and metal ran down the magazine from the hole my shot melted, destroying the weapon’s functionality.
Which would have been great if I hadn’t heard the soft ping of my own weapon running out of ammo as the spent gem pack popped off of top of the weapon. It was really a cute ping. Too cute for what it foretold.
The unicorn mare apparently knew what it meant, as she gave me and Puddle the most wicked grin. I froze. I’d seen that expression before, on the Mayor’s face. I knew what that expression meant, and I couldn’t move.
She took a menacing step forward. But I couldn’t move. She let out an ear splitting cackle that made Puddle cower and flinch under me. But I still couldn’t move.
Then the mare went flying into one of the cells, struck by something. The loud, bellowing retort of a shotgun echoed through the tattered door as a blur of pink and periwinkle slammed into the mare just as she was getting up. Bubblegum pulled his hoof back, and punched the unicorn on the right side of her jaw. The mare’s eyes rolled up as her head bounced off the wall of the cell, and she lay still. He stared down at her still form, hooves raised defensively for a few seconds, then let out a long breath, and leaned down to check the mare’s neck for a pulse. I hadn’t felt her feelings of pain stop, so much as very suddenly still, so after he found her pulse, he got up, delicately stepped out of the jail cell, and closed the door behind him.
“Are you okay?” Bubblegum asked, turning as blood dripped down his well toned form from scattered cuts along his armour. His beautiful face was thankfully unmarred, but somehow the trickle of blood that ran down his temple from his maneline stirred something in the dark, primitive recesses of my mind.
My wing reminded me that, yes, it was still hurt, and no, it did not appreciate being forced upwards with a soft pomf. “OW! Shit ass fuck dammit!” I swore, pulling my throbbing wing to my side.
“He’s more beautiful when he’s covered in blood,” Puddle whispered softly to me. Oh, I fucking knew it.
“We’re fine, Bubblegum. Are you alright?” I asked, pulling a healing potion out of my saddlebags as I limped over to his side.
He nodded, but gulped down the purple potion. “I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I ran out of grenades, and I didn’t want to leave Glitter, but when we saw the smoke coming from the bunker, and I was the closest to you,” Bubblegum shook himself, looking stunned. He bit down on the firing bit to his battlesaddle, and it gave a soft ‘click’, reminding him that he needed to reload the hunting shotgun that smoked on his right side. “Oh shit. I must have fired that more than I thought,” He said, staring hazily at the weapon before kicking the autoloader. “Huh…”
I flicked my ears about as I realised that the world had taken on an eerie quiet. Oh hells, not again! I looked up, and noted that both Bubblegum and Puddle were flicking their ears about, too.
“I don’t hear anything,” Puddle said apprehensively, poking her head around the edge of the entrance to the jail.
Bubblegum kicked the loader again, then frowned as it too, informed him that he was out of ammo. I skewed an ear to the side in confusion as I picked up another emotion from Bubblegum: relief. I took a moment to process that as he trotted toward the door. “Girls, stay behind me, please,” He said, lightly pushing Puddle back from the remains of the door with his massive hoof.
I used the opportunity to remember to reload my pistol, and slowly followed Bubblegum’s fantastic ass out of the jail. My ears wilted as I stepped into a slick of blood. The quiet guard that had stood watch over us was doubled over in a heap, his body mutilated by countless bullets. But I still stopped to check for a pulse, even if I was certain I wouldn’t find one. I leaned down, and pressed my lips against his forehead, just below his horn.
“Thank you,” I whispered, feeling my throat threaten to clamp closed if I refused to cry. I let it tighten as I gently closed his eyes.
Puddle made a soft choking sob as she looked at our defender, but quickly covered her mouth with a hoof to stop herself from making any noise.
I hated the eerie silence that had settled over the cell. I couldn’t feel anything. No more fear. No hate. No anger. Just… nothing.
Bubblegum waved me up to the exit of the old drying ovens, and slowly pushed open the door. I immediately wished he hadn’t.
The sound that came with the opening of the door still haunts me now. It was a collective cry of agony, as the injured cried out for help. Agonized sobs echoed from those that had lost somepony. Screams of pain wailed through the still air.
All at once the smell hit me. Copper mixed with sulfur mixed with the scent of voided bowels. I’d been around the wasteland enough to know that death was not pretty, and was often even more horrifying once the body relaxed for one final time. But Fold smelled like so much death… And I threw up.
“Threnody!” Glitter Bomb called as she floated down from the top of the hill. “We need your help! Lots of ponies are hurted!”
I finished ridding myself of the cherry snack cake Puddle Splasher had kindly given me, then hobbled as quickly as I could toward the stairs. Glitter grabbed me in her magic, and set me on her back. “Sorry, need help now!” She explained, before once again I was the unwilling guest of a teleportation spell. Well, at least I didn’t have anything to throw up on the other si–
Glitter dropped us into Tartarus. The streets around the saloon ran thick with blood, and there were bodies everywhere. My heart caught in my chest as I spotted Blackjack lying on her side, breathing shallowly. I moved as quickly as I could to her side, but she waved me off.
“I’m fine. Just tired,” She pointed to her blackened horn. “Looks like I won’t be horny anytime soon,” I ignored her pun, and dug through her saddlebags, searching for a healing potion. I pulled out what felt like a potion bottle, only to be confused by the rainbow-like substance that floated within. “What is…?”
Blackjack quickly snatched the bottle away from me with a hoof. “It’s what heals me best when I’m really hurt,” She explained. I immediately regretted that she turned to look at me. The entire left side of her face hung off to one side. I could identify bones and what little muscle remained on her mandible as she spoke. My stomach dry heaved, causing me to wretch softly.
Blackjack took the cork off of the bottle and swigged it. Immediately, her face began to slowly meld itself back together, like a candle melting in reverse, ending with a little bit of fireworks as the skin finished healing on her muzzle. She stuck out her tongue in disgust. “Why does it taste like cotton candy?” Her brow furrowed, “and why do I know what that tastes like?”
“What in the name of Luna, Celestia, and Cadence was that?!” I demanded.
“Taint.”
“What?!”
She smirked at me with her healed face. “Taint. Works like hydra on me. Blank body, and all that.” I shuddered at the explanation as Basalt Breaker limped up to us. She was bleeding heavily from a hole in the right side of her withers.
“You got any medical training?” Basalt rasped, before coughing and spitting out a wad of blood.
I was on top of her in a moment. “Yes. And oh sweet Celestia what did you do?”
Basalt tried to shove me away. “I just got skewed by a hornhead. He ain’t got a horn anymore though,” She said, blood dripping from the corners of her mouth, her lips twisted into an agonised sneer. “But don’t worry about me. The town doc got killed, and we need somepony to help with the wounded.”
I had none of it. “No, we’re starting with you!” I shouted, putting my ear to her breast. Her breathing had a gurgling quality to it, confirming my fears that the horn had punctured her lung. “Chug,” I ordered, presenting another one of my precious healing potions.
“Look, I-”
“Drink it, you dumbass,” I spat, glaring up at Basalt. “That horn punctured your lung. You’re lucky in that it doesn’t sound like it’s collapsed. But you are one of the ones I’d triage first for needing immediate attention.” I shoved the bottle up at her. “Now drink.”
Basalt looked like she wanted to argue, but I silenced her with a glare. Slowly, she drank down the potion, and I watched as the hole in her shoulder closed. I put an ear to her chest again, and slowly but surely, her breathing became less laboured. “I… guess I did need a little bit of healing,” She admitted sheepishly.
I ignored her. “Glitter,” I said, turning to my purple friend. “Take me into the saloon. It’s time to be Followers. Let’s set up a triage.”
12 Hours Later
I finally collapsed into a heap of blood, vomit and shit. There may have been some feathers in there, and a bit of coat that still by some miracle managed to retain its original shade of brown. I wasn’t a doctor by any stretch of the imagination, but I did know how to triage patients. Which meant the last 12 hours had been a hell of picking those that could be saved if we did something right now, those who could wait, and those that only Med-X could help.
Glitter and I did our best, but between her lack of practice with healing magic, and my lack of knowledge, there was only so much we could do. Solidarity had stepped in to help where he could, but he was a fighter, not a healer. And Blackjack…
… Blackjack tried to help, but with her horn burned out, all she could do was help by putting pressure on wounds and by trying to be reassuring to the ponies that lay dying on the table.
For better or worse, the Family ponies ended up teleporting away after inflicting massive casualties on the town of Fold. I went through the store’s supply of healing potions, Med-X, and whiskey before finally giving up. I’d helped those that I could, everything else was on my patient’s bodies to heal.
Well, no. I hadn’t given up. Everypony who we thought we could save, we had. Those whose injuries weren’t severe enough to warrant my attention were taken care of by Blackjack or Puddle or Hyacinth. Others were made comfortable with what supplies we had before…
… Before death finally took them.
That thought put me over the edge, and I started sobbing. After the battle, I felt so alone. Bubblegum was nowhere to be found, having disappeared at some point with Basalt as she tried to hobble along. Glitter was constantly looking to me for what to do next, forcing me to tell her where to point her horn, when to wrap somepony up, when to give a potion, and when they needed a dose of Med-X or Buck. Puddle had left me about 6 hours ago to try to help do something to raise the town’s morale. Just what that was, I didn’t know.
Even Blackjack seemed to be a bit distant. I knew that she couldn’t be handling the aftereffects of the battle very well at all, but even if she would have just come and talked to me about it, I would have felt so much better. So much more useful.
Another sob racked through my body as I realised that a lot of this was my fault. If I hadn’t gotten mad and hurt Sweetness, none of this would have happened! At least 40 ponies had died in the fighting, and a dozen more died of their injuries because I couldn’t save them.
“Threnody?” Puddle’s soft voice called from outside my shroud of feathers and misery.
I wiped my eyes as best I could, and looked up at her. “Yeah Puddle?” I rasped, my throat dry from crying.
She passed me a small bottle of water. “You need to take care of yourself, too,” She said softly, concern evident on her muzzle as she sat down on her haunches across from me. “Have you gotten anything to eat?”
“Puddle, I haven’t even been able to get a drink for the last 12 hours. And I mean a drink of water or whatever, let alone alcohol. And believe me, there were times when I lost somepony that chugging that whiskey seemed like a damned fine idea!” I snapped. Puddle flinched away from me, her the curls in her mane straightening slightly. I sighed. “I’m sorry Puddle. You’ve been helping, we’ve all been through a lot. That wasn’t–”
Puddle put her hoof to my muzzle to silence me. “It’s okay. You ignore your pain and own needs by focussing on the pain of others. I’m sorry for reminding you of that,” She said softly.
I frowned at her. “I don’t do that! We literally had–”
Her hoof was on my muzzle again. “I was there, remember? Now what can we do to take care of you?”
I stared bewildered at the cute seafoam green earth pony. Why did she want to take care of me? “I…” My voice failed me, and my throat and chest tightened. Ugh, I was not going to cry. I was not going to-
I started crying. I couldn’t stand it! I was supposed to be the strong one! I was supposed to be asking how everypony was doing! Tears rolled down my face as I stared at the floor. I knew that Puddle was just trying to make sure that everyone, including me, was okay. But… I felt like I didn’t deserve it.
Puddle leaned forward and wrapped her forelegs around me, and pulled me close to her chest. She didn’t say anything for a long moment as she gently stroked the back of my neck with her hoof. I felt so guilty as my tears stained her coat to the colour of the sea during a storm, but a part of me took comfort in her soft scent. Even though she hadn’t bathed in a few days, she didn’t smell awful. Just… comforting.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, swallowing to try to get the lump out of my throat.
Puddle shook her head. “You don’t have to apologize, Threnody. If anything, you need to slow down a little.”
I looked up into her maroon eyes. “I… but… patients…”
“No buts. You’ve been at this for over half a day. Alone. Before that you nearly died. And there was a big fight. And I doubt you’ve slowed down since you got to Fold,” Her eyes seemed to pierce right through me, and I decided I really didn’t like it when ponies gave me a taste of my own medicine. “You’re done for today. You’ve done all you can. Now how can I help take care of you?”
Tears threatened to well up in my eyes again as I looked up at her, so I said nothing. I didn’t trust myself to not start crying again.
Puddle let out a soft sigh, then got to her hooves. “Come on. Let’s start with a bath,” she said.
I gave her a confused look. “Um, I can sorta do that myself, you know,” I said, feeling a little defensive. “And I really should make sure that Go Fish is-”
“She’s with Basalt Breaker. Basalt isn’t handling Buzzsaw’s death very well. Miss Fish said she’d take care of her,” Puddle said. “And what’s wrong with a bath? You’re covered in blood, and,” she looked over my coat, her nose wrinkling at the various bodily fluids, and... solids caked into it, “you stink,” she finished diplomatically.
My cheeks burned at Puddle’s admonishment. “S-sorry,” I stammered. “I just thought you were wanting to take a bath together, and um…”
Puddle blinked at me. “Uh, that was kinda the plan. How else are you gonna get your wings cleaned? You sure aren’t gonna be able to that yourself. Besides, bubble baths are fun, right!?” She asked, her excitement bubbling over at the thought of being able to help.
Instantly I felt horribly ashamed. Here was somepony who was just trying to help, and was completely innocent, and I was… I was basically thinking that they were going to try to take advantage of me.
Puddle cocked her head to the side as she looked at me. “What’s wrong?” She asked. “Do… um…” She bit her lip.
I waved my left hoof. “It’s nothing, Puddle. Yeah. Let’s go see a pony about a bath. And then maybe a meal. After that… I really need to get some sleep.”
Puddle and I checked in with an earth pony mare named Butterscotch who was watching over the injured ponies who were still recovering in the saloon-cum-makeshift hospital. She felt that she could take care of their needs, and gently shooed us out. Puddle led me over to the small hotel that the Family had occupied until recently.
“I… are you sure I don’t need to check in on Go Fish?” I asked as we walked into the hotel’s lobby. Shards of glass littered the stairs in front of the entrance where the defenders of the hotel had shot out at the resistance fighters of Fold. I couldn’t help but wonder if the blood that was drying was from my friends, or ponies I cared about. At least somepony had taken the time to clear out the bodies…
Puddle Splasher nodded, making her seafoam green mane bounce. “Miss Fish was helping Basalt Breaker back to her home on the outskirts of town. She said she was going to stay the night to make sure Basalt was okay.”
I felt like my stomach fell out from under me. She was staying the night with Basalt? After a battle? After Basalt just lost someone? My mind decided to fill in all the licentious details and I shuddered. Blackjack wouldn’t do that, right? And… well, even if she did… why was it bothering me? That shouldn’t bother me! They were both adults!
“Threnody, are you okay?” Puddle asked, giving me a worried look.
“Yeah! Fine! Never better!” I didn’t want to go through the hassle of explaining why I was worried that Basalt Breaker was currently being watched over by a sex crazed maniac after they’d both had a hard day of fighting.
Puddle didn’t look convinced, but waved to an earth pony who was sitting behind the front counter. The stallion smiled back at her, then deftly tossed her a numbered key.
“Didn’t look like anypony had used that room yet. Shame, has a really nice tub in it, too,” He said, shaking his head. “But… it’s nice to have those bastards gone so I can run my hotel again!”
“You used to run this place?” I asked, confused.
He nodded. “Yep, right up till the Family moved in. They got a might testy about a lowly earth pony runnin’ the joint,” He shrugged. “But they’re gone, and I guess that’s that. Anyways, have a good night girls. You two look like you could use some shut-eye.”
Puddle led me up a small flight of stairs to the second floor where her room was. As we stepped inside, it felt like stepping 200 years back through time. The room was remarkably well-preserved for being out in essentially the middle of nowhere. The bed still had clean, if age-stained sheets on it, and as I glanced into the bathroom, I noticed that it had a huge clawfoot tub that had been rigged with a water talisman. A part of me also realised that the tub would have been generously sized for a normal sized mare, but Puddle and I were likely going to be swimming in it.
“This… wow,” I said, trotting into the room, taking everything in. It even had books in it! Real, unburned, unruined, legible books!
“Ooo, the hot water talisman even works!” Puddle said, her voice echoing out from the bathroom as the sound of running water filled the small room.
I set down my saddlebags in a corner before going to see what Puddle was up to. I felt myself freeze as I hobbled into the bathroom, only to find that Puddle had already stripped out of her stable barding. I felt my face heat up as I looked her over, which only made me flush even more when she caught me staring.
Puddle smiled gently at me. “I figured, since we’re both girls, and I guessed around the same age, you’d be okay with this. Is this okay?”
“How old are you?” I squeaked, trying to find somewhere to look that wasn’t at her unclothed form. I knew that most ponies didn’t have an exact taboo per se about clothing, but seeing somepony without some sort of barding on always made me feel a little uncomfortable.
Puddle laughed brightly. “I’m 14, silly. I may not be full grown yet, but you don’t look like you’re much older than I am,” She said. She caught my eye in the mirror that I’d been looking at in an attempt to not look at her. Which, unfortunately really only gave me a new angle to look her over with, which was not doing good things to my relative level of being flustered!
I shook my head, trying to get the image of her flanks out of my head. “N-no. I’m 14, too. I’ll be 15 in a few months,” I admitted. Why were my wings choosing to ache at this time? Now was not the ideal time for this! I felt myself internally screaming as she pranced up to me.
“See! It’ll be fun! I even found a little bottle of bubble bath!” Puddle tugged on my duster’s sleeve. “Now get undressed. You need to have a little fun now and again.”
Why are you so cute? Why am I so dumb? Why am I feeling so awkward about this? We’re just two fillies taking a bath together. Nothing bad. I told myself as I very, very slowly removed my duster.
Puddle shook her head, then scrambled over the side of the tub, landing with a rather loud splash. I took advantage of the moment that she wasn’t visible to wiggle out of my filthy leather armour, and placed it in a pile. I tried to steady my breathing as I heard her splashing about in the tub, mentally cursed whoever decided that hormones were a thing that should happen to ponies, and wiggled up and over into the tub myself.
The warm water hit my hide like a wave of refreshment, and I let out a soft sigh of contentment as the water settled around my withers. Puddle smiled at me from the other side of the tub. “Better?” She asked, lightly splashing the water in front of her with her hooves.
I nodded. “Getting there,” I admitted, wiggling onto my rump so I could rest my back against the tub. The warm water soothed my injured wing, and I used it to lightly splash Puddle’s muzzle with some water as she grabbed a bar of soap that sat at the head of the tub.
“Told ya!” She said with a grin. I closed my eyes and let the hot water relax the aches and pains that I hadn’t realised I was feeling out of my body. Puddle hummed softly to herself as I rested, and I smiled softly at her pretty humming. I mentally shook my head at myself for being so flustered and worried about the bath. This was probably normal for Puddle and her friends in the Stable where she grew up, and here I was treating her like she was Blackjack.
“Puddle, do ponies in your stable normally take baths together?” I asked.
“Mmhmm! I mean, they sorta stop doing that with ponies of their own gender when they get older, but sometimes Hyacinth will still join me if she’s not grumpy!” She said excitedly. “And she’s not that much older than me anyway, really.”
“Oh? How old is Hyacinth?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“She just turned 22 a few weeks ago. She was super excited to be able to come out here,” Puddle said, then her face fell. “Well, excited until she found out that her dad was going, and not her boyfriend.”
Her dad? “Wait, Solidarity is her dad?!” I sputtered.
Puddle nodded. “Yeppers! She’s his oldest, and Quiet Violet is his youngest. She’s two years older than us, but Solidarity said he wanted to spend some time with Cynthi before she got ‘too invested in colts’,” She said, dropping the pitch of her voice to mimic a stallion’s tone.
Puddle’s use of a silly voice made me smile. “Well, I’m glad you all made it through safely,” I said, watching her as she started to soap up her mane. “I’m glad we all did,” I added soberly.
Puddle’s happy expression fell a moment as she nodded in agreement. “Me too,” she said, then bit her lip. “Um… can we not talk about what happened just yet? And just kinda enjoy relaxing?”
I smiled back at her. “Sure. I don’t mind that,” I said, spreading out my left wing. It felt good to be able to move the formerly tight and abused appendage. “Is Hyacinth’s boyfriend nice?” I asked, trying to find a safe topic.
“Oh yeah!” Puddle exclaimed before dunking her sud filled mane underwater. When she came up, she continued. “His name is Crescent Rider, and he’s a batpony! There’s a few Nocturnal ponies that live in Stable 9, actually, but he’s really nice. He’s really good at getting her to calm down a little, and she seems to make him happy. I think they’re cute and should get married.” She turned away from me in the tub, and pushed the soap my way. “Can you help me with my back?”
My skin prickled and my heart started thudding in my chest again for reasons that quite frankly annoyed me, but I took the soap and started gently rubbing it in circles over her teal back. Why was I reacting to her like I would if I was taking a bath with Bubblegum? It made no sense! I swallowed hard as she let out a soft sigh when I accidentally pressed the soap a little too hard into her back.
“How did you know that was a sore spot?” She giggled.
I wanted to die. I hadn’t known, and was honestly just following what felt right! “I… uh… um… er…” The soap slipped off my hoof, and went shooting around the tub at high speed. I must have blushed bright red, because Puddle turned and gave me a look that was mixed amusement and pity.
“Everything okay, Threnody?” She asked.
“Just fine!” I squeaked, then dunked my head underwater to avoid having to look at her for a moment. Unfortunately she was still there when I came up for air, and my stomach got this uncomfortable, butterfly like feeling when I looked at her. What the hell, body? What the fuck brain?
Puddle gently passed the soap back to me. “Your turn!” She said, lightly splashing about in a way that made her seem irrepressibly adorable.
I quickly washed myself, and used the motion of the soap over my coat to focus on something other than Puddle for a moment. I tried to not pay attention to how much dirt and grime seemed to be coming off as I rinsed myself. I definitely tried to not stare when Puddle got up and leaned over the back of the tub as she reached for a towel. I definitely didn’t notice that she had even shapelier flanks than Bubblegu–
Sploosh!
My wings flailed out behind me, sending a small wave splashing about the tub. I dove my head underwater before Puddle could turn back and look at me. I nearly ran out of air before I came up again, only to find her cute face -argh!- centimetres from mine. “Yeep!”
“Do you need help with your wings?” She asked, pointing to my wings. They were a mess, made worse by their waterlogged state. I wanted to say no, but… without her help, they were likely going to be worse once I dried off.
Steeling myself, I nodded. “Um, yeah, that’d… be really nice, actually. It’s kinda hard to clean them yourself when they’re wet like this.” I said, turning away from her.
The soap and Puddle’s small hooves travelled over my back and wings, and I forced myself to relax. This was fine. It was a bath between friends. Don’t overthink it. Don’t worry about how nice it felt. Don’t think too hard about how close she had to sit to you when she helped you with your wingtips. Just… remember to breathe!
Puddle chuckled, and pushed herself blessedly and cursedly away from me. “All done!” She announced. “Though if you want help preening them later, let me know. Cynthi showed me how to, and she said I’m pretty good at it!”
Cadence you cunt, this was not what I needed right now! “I-I think I got it,” I managed with only minimal squeaking.
Puddle only nodded with a smile, and then wiggled out of the tub. Her flanks tortured me for a long moment, making me wonder why earth ponies just appealed to me so before she disappeared over the side, leaving me alone in the water. I fluttered my wings under the refreshing water before reluctantly leaving the warmth and safety of the tub.
Puddle passed me a towel, and I rewarded her with a smile. At least I hoped it was a smile. And I mean a nice smile, not a creepy smile.
What the hell is wrong with you? I asked myself as I dried off. Get a grip, Threnody. This is just a new experience with a new friend and there’s nothing wrong with it. Aside from the warmth under my tail. Yes but try to not think about that!
Once dried, Puddle left me to my own devices in the bathroom. Which was helpful, as it gave me a moment to slow my heart rate, get my head back on planet Equus, and to fully work the hair ties out of my mane and tail. I’d worried that if I tried to get them out before the bath, they’d break. I let my blonde mane flow down over my shoulders, and stood on my hind hooves to look in the mirror.
I still wasn’t sure that I was pretty. I wasn’t sure I would ever be pretty. I poked at the dark circles under my eyes, and sighed. Blackjack and Puddle were right. I did need to take better care of myself. Maybe then I could upgrade my self image to this ‘cute’ that Blackjack spoke of. I looked down at my rail-thin barrel. Starting with eating better. Nopony liked a fat mare. I looked down at my blackened left hoof, and turned it over. The frog was intact, but the hoof itself was shattered and jagged, with many cracks running from the base to my fetlock. Yes, I needed to take better care of myself.
“Puddle, is there anything to eat in here?” I asked as I trotted out of the bathroom. I nearly stumbled as I rounded the corner and looked up onto the bed. Puddle lay reading her magazine on top of the covers, her tail slowly swishing as she hummed a slow song to herself. I didn’t know if she hadn’t heard me, or if I missed her reply because I was fixated on her rear. Frustration, confusion, and consternation at what I was feeling for this little mare all culminated in cute seafoam green flanks, and only her moving was going to free me.
Puddle shifted on the bed, freeing me from my torment as she curled around and pointed to a small refrigerator. “I don’t think the cold talisman works in there, but the hotel manager said that he tried to put some fresh carrots and apples in there for ponies to eat,” She explained, seemingly oblivious to my confusion at her behaviours. “Maybe there’s some other stuff in there, too?”
I limped over to the fridge, and opened it. Inside lay a brace of carrots, and a few apples, as well as a few bottles of water, a bottle of wine, and a box of Sugar Apple Bombs. Repressing a shudder at the thought of Blackjack’s mom, I pulled out the apples and the cereal, then tossed them on the bed. “Do you want some water?” I asked, pulling one out for me.
“Do they have anything else to drink?” She asked.
“Uh… wine? But I don’t think we’re allowed to drink that,” I admitted.
Puddle nodded. “Water is fine.”
I joined my earth pony friend on the bed, and quickly dug into an apple. The apple was extremely sweet, and very crunchy. It tasted nothing like what I’d ever had in the wasteland back home!
“This is really good!” I said, quickly going for another bite.
Puddle cocked her head to the side. “You don’t have apples where you are from?” She asked.
I blushed. “No no. We do. They just aren’t as sweet as this one is,” I explained between bites. “Most of ours are kinda tasteless.”
“Oh! That makes more sense!” Puddle replied, taking a sip of water. “I was gonna say, what kind of weird place did you grow up that there weren’t apples!”
“I could say I was from the moon, would you believe me?” I teased.
She giggled brightly. “Nope, not a bit,” She patted the bed next to her. “If you want, I can work on your wings!”
I wanted. I wasn’t sure I should want it as much as I did, but I was willing to give Puddle the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she’d be awful and I’d just have to fix everything after she fell asleep. That’d be fine, right?
“S-sure,” I said, laying down next to her. My heart raced, and I used some breathing techniques to stow away the worried feeling I felt when Puddle moved over top of me. Every touch from the earth pony only resonated with care and friendship.
That said, she was very, very good at rearranging and fixing my feathers. I sighed contentedly as she gently worked them back into some semblance of order. “You know, you should probably think of giving yourself time for just you on occasion,” She said softly as she switched wings on me. My reply was cut off as she worked her way down my wing, and managed to set a pinion that had been stuck out of alignment for a while. “I know Rhiannon always says that the hardest thing about being a heartmender is sometimes remembering that it’s okay for you to want something that is just for you.”
I turned and looked at her, letting my left ear skew to the side. I knew I still had my emotional shields up, because I was having a hard time getting a good read on her. I let my shields down a little. “So… like… what does she mean by that?” I asked.
Puddle blushed a little then lay down beside me. “Oh, um. I think she means that sometimes you have to remember that, in order to help others, you have to be able to help, well you first. Sometimes you have to let others carry the burden a little while,” She said, reaching over and brushing a strand of mane behind my ear.
Those butterflies in my stomach really needed to leave me alone. I lightly slipped my hoof over to hers, and suddenly the butterflies gained friends. Oh goddesses I had a swarm inside me! So I did something that I knew was probably stupid.
“Puddle?” I asked, wiggling a little closer to her. “What does it mean when you feel like you really are selfish if you want something.”
She wiggled closer to me. “Uh, I think that means that you’re a very, very selfless if silly filly,” she replied, her maroon eyes soft.
“So I, um… should maybe be a little okay with asking for something once and awhile?” I asked, moving a little closer to her. To my surprise, she mirrored my movements, causing my heart to thud in my chest. What was I doing? I barely knew her! Ahhh!
Puddle nodded. “I think heartmenders especially are allowed to,” She said. Or that’s what I think she said. I really, really focussed on her lips as she spoke.
But not because I couldn’t hear.
“Then… I… um,” I leaned my head toward hers, a feeling like magnetism drawing me closer to her. She told me I didn’t need to finish my sentence when her lips met mine halfway between us.
I awoke the next morning tangled up in Puddle’s hooves, cold, prickling sweat pouring down my forehead as the earth pony petted my mane. I was not a stranger to nightmares – a night without the dark terrors that lurked in the deeper recesses of my mind was dreadfully rare at best – but this one…
I scrambled away from Puddle, my heart racing. No! Wrong! I had to get out. I had to get away! She was poison to my thoughts and my feelings and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.
So I grabbed my ruined duster and ran.
“Threnody!” Puddle called after me, but I ignored her confusion and pain that licked at my hind hooves, barrelling out the door and out through a shattered window.
I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop. My injured wing wasted no time in giving me a searingly sharp reminder that flying right now was a horrible idea, and I began the agonisingly slow spiral down to earth. I managed to control my landing just well enough that I could bleed most of my momentum away by rolling and sustaining a few trivial bangs and scrapes, softening the blow with the hoof-hardened dirt enough that I could keep going. The ponies that were around at that hour of the morning knew better than to get in my way as I ran as hard as I could past them. My shattered left hoof stung horribly with each hoof fall, frustrating my efforts to hasten myself away from, well, everypony. But I couldn’t stop. Everything was tightening in around me; I had to escape!
I heard a wet crack as a section of my left hoof gave way, and I slammed into the ground, ploughing a furrow into the ground with my muzzle. Pulling myself up, I saw that I’d shattered the bottom half of my hoof, and it was bleeding horribly. Choking back tears, I scrambled into an alley between a pair of brick buildings and started sobbing.
Last night had been awkward. We’d kissed, we’d talked, but… nothing else happened. What the fuck was I thinking? Puddle got the impression pretty quickly when she planted a kiss on my shoulder that anything more than just kisses and snuggles wasn’t happening. Probably because I’d panicked and nearly hyperventilated. I smacked my forehead. Because I am a very, very stupid pony. Smack. Because I am the kind of idiot that decides that following Blackjack’s line of ‘don’t think about it’ is clearly a good coping skill! Smack! Then Puddle had shown up in my dream in a position that the Mayor usually occupied in the depths of my terror filled phantasmagoria, and I couldn’t take it.
I slammed my left hoof into the ground, and grit my teeth as the fresh blaze of glorious pain burned away all extraneous concerns, leaving me nothing but razor focus. What the fuck is wrong with you, Threnody? Did you think you got to have something nice for once? My inner voice spat. You know she’s just using you. Cause that’s all you’re good for. A little bit of pleasure for somepony else. I deliberately fell back against the building I was curled up next to, my head cracking off of the brick. Stars filled my vision, but I couldn’t shut her up.
What are you, Threnody? And what are you doing? She asked. You spend all day looking at colts, then go to bed with a filly. Couldn't even have sex with her when it came down to it. You’re even a failure at being a fucktoy. But you wanted it, didn't you? You always did, you know. Why else would you get into bed with another filly? Why didn’t you resist? You try to deny it, you try to run from it, but you know you're a fucking liar. To yourself and everyone around you! You know you're only good for a fuck or as someone's emotional toilet! And even then you're a convenience at best.
I wasn’t just that. I was more! I…
I couldn’t explain why I’d done what I did. I was torn in so many different directions by so many conflicting feelings about the entire situation that I didn’t even know what to feel, let alone think! A part of me wanted to run. A part of me felt utter disgust and shame at the thought of letting myself tolerate touching Puddle, let alone kissing her. Another part wanted to kiss her again, and to embrace her sweet taste. Yet another part screamed at me for not going to Blackjack instead of Puddle. Another part shrieked at me for having those kinds of filthy, base feelings at all.
I ground my ruined hoof into the dirt, and my focused mind coolly reminded me that sleeping with clients was against the Heartmender’s ethics code.
“So, I know that I’ve had shitty nights before, but you look like me after three bottles of Wild Pegasus,” Blackjack said quietly as she stared at me from around the corner.
I looked up into her blood red eyes, and got angry. Angrier than I probably should have been at the time. But I didn’t care.
“What do you care?!” I spat, scrambling deeper into the shade. “You spent last night fucking Basalt Breaker. Was that good for you? Why don’t you slither back to her and drink yourselves into a nice deep coma and leave me the fuck alone?” I hissed through gritted teeth.
Blackjack’s face remained passive, but then gave a half smile. “Yeah. It actually was pretty nice.” It was a strange melange of amusement, worry, and a little annoyance. I should have been happy. Wasn’t getting Blackjack back to normal the point? Her worry nudged out the other two and she simply trotted over, and sat down beside me. Her horn glowed slightly, and her warm healing magic wrapped around my shattered hoof.
I flailed my hoof about in her magic. I didn’t need her touching me right now! Even if it was a healing spell! I kicked out at Blackjack’s smugly smiling face with a hind hoof, but missed.
Her smile faded as she frowned down at me, and she gave a little shrug. “Okay. I actually didn’t. Thought about it, I admit.” She paused and pursed her lips. “A lot,” she added, then rolled her eyes and sighed, “but there’s no room in that heart of hers for anypony else. Weirdo.” She cocked her head as she watched me try to glare her out of existence. “So why does it bother you that badly that I might have slept with Basalt Breaker?” She asked, staring down at my hoof. Shame mixed with regret and a twinge of frustration rumbled along the surface of her outer calm.
But she never let go of my hoof. I fought against the panic and terror of having somepony not letting me leave. I couldn’t get my hoof out of her magical grasp, no matter how much I tried. Slowly, the edges of my hoof began to knit themselves back together as her horn began to smoke.
I wanted to shout at her. Scream how badly it would hurt me to know she was the one comforting Basalt Breaker. That was my job, dammit! I was supposed to be the responsible one in all this!
So I lied.
“It doesn’t,” I growled, refusing to look at her. “I just…” Dammit, I couldn’t come up with a good explanation.
She shook her head, heedless of her smouldering horn as she looked up at me. I cursed myself for not being able to look away from those blood red eyes.
I felt like my chest was caving in as she stared at me. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be gone! Why couldn’t I just teleport away like a unicorn!?
A soft patter of galloping hooves rounded the corner as Puddle skidded to a stop near the alley. “Miss Fish, have you–” She stopped as she saw me, worry, sadness, and confusion hitting me like a high powered hose. “Why did you run away?” She asked, breathlessly.
Blackjack arched an eyebrow at me as she looked from me to Puddle and back again. “Did I miss something?” She asked, amusement playing at the edge of her voice, but underneath her emotions blanked.
Fuck.
Puddle blushed as she turned to Blackjack. “Threnody stayed with me last night!” She said cheerily, making me wish that I hadn’t left my gun in the room. Suicide would be painless. “And I told her she needed to do something for herself! So she kissed me!”
Blackjack blinked at Puddle, “Wait... she did?” My heart stopped. She was going to kill me... or Puddle... or herself... or everpony! It was coming! It had to...
Then Blackjack’s face split in the widest grin ever. “That’s so awesome!” she gushed, and I would have thought it a lie if it wasn’t for the revoltingly warm glow of happiness that radiated off her like a little sunrise. “How was it? Scale of one to ten with one being your mom and ten being ‘Take me, I’m yours!’” she asked Puddle. I sat there, stunned and horrified, as I realised that my fear that Blackjack would be jealous was very unfounded. Shame rekindled itself anew as it hit me that I should have known that about her. Stable 99 didn’t exactly do monogamy.
And she was actually smirking at me! Why was she smirking at me?!
Puddle giggled brightly. “Mmm… I don’t know. Threnody is a really good kisser, but she didn’t seem to be into more than that. So we just made out and then she snuggled up against me and fell asleep.”
“Awww,” Blackjack cooed and gave me that smile that made me want to die, come back to life, and die again. The emotional whiplash was getting to be extremely tiring. “She really is a sweet kisser when she’s in the mood. Her lips are so soft, right?”
I prayed to Luna, Celestia, and Cadence that one of them would just strike me dead. Luna ignored me. Celestia seemed to be shaking her head. And Cadence was laughing her pink ass off. Bitches. All of them. I really wished I hadn’t left my pistol up in my room. My brain helpfully supplied images that reinforced the idea that blowing my brains out at the moment would be blissful and painless.
Puddle nodded excitedly, her curly mane bouncing. My will to live was slipping away with every loathsomely cute bounce. “Yeah! They are! I mean, I’ve kissed a few fillies and colts before. But fillies always have nicer lips,” She said with a sage nod. Oh god. There were two of them. What had I gone to bed with last night?! What had I done?!
Blackjack trotted over to Puddle’s side and mussed her mane, though a twinge of sadness rippled underneath the jovial emotions she was expressing. “About time somepony got her to open up a little bit,” She said, giving me a wink. I wondered if you could die of embarrassment.
Puddle blinked in confusion. “Wait… so she’s never…?”
“Nope. Though I kissed her once. She hated it.” She trotted over and gave me a little nudge, “Good to see you’re loosening up a bit.” I wished that somepony would let me die. Blackjack cocked her head again as I reacted like her touch had actually been a blast from my plasma defender. “I thought you were pretty firm on not liking mares though? What changed your mind?” Her face slowly shifted into a quizzical expression, like she was trying to read me. Which ultimately felt all the more violating at the moment.
You did, you horrid bitch. I thought to myself. “I… uh…” was all I managed, my voice cracking into a squeak at the end as I felt my face catch flame. Self immolation from embarrassment was possible, right? The damning look I was getting from her was not helping as they both leaned close to me. “Too close!” I said, pressing my back flat against the wall as I tried to get away from their prying gaze. Why were they both giving me that look!?
Blackjack nudged Puddle’s shoulder with a look... some weird lesbian sex pony telepathy communication between the pair, and both of them gave me enough space to slow my racing heart. “Sorry,” Puddle said, letting her ears droop. “I, just wanted to tease you ‘cause I think you’re really cute and I thought it’d make you smile.”
“I know, right?” Blackjack added. “Anyway. She’s here. I’ll let you two catch up. I’ll be over here... imagining.” She said as she backed off, letting Puddle have the option of approaching me. Which honestly didn’t help my desire to flee to the nearest cloud and hide on it. Fucking wing, why did you have to choose now of all times to be unserviceable?
Puddle dropped her voice as she put a hoof on my shoulder. My heart stutter-stepped and then started actively trying to flee from it’s confines in my ribs. “Really though, what is wrong? Why did you run away this morning?” She asked, raising a hoof to brush some dirt from off of the underside of my chin. I did my best to not recoil at her touch.
Even with the space Blackjack was giving me, my heart was still beating somewhere around mach two and seemed to be trying for mach three. Puddle’s brush against my chin had been like getting familiar with the business end of a flamer. Every nerve and stress hormone fizzing inside me screamed for me to run away, but at this point, I felt like I couldn’t. I was more trapped than I’d ever been, and neither of them realised it. I would have had an answer for Blackjack, if she’d actually given me the time to think. But instead, I was cornered here, full of conflicting feelings about fillies, colts, and which of the two I preferred, or whether it was right to want either.
And I wanted to be anywhere else.
“I…” I started to speak, then clamped my mouth shut. I looked away from Puddle, wordlessly pleading with Blackjack for help.
Blackjack blinked and then trotted forward. “Hey, Puddle? Let’s go mare talk around the corner till she pulls her head together, okay?” She asked, giving me a sly little smile. “She can imagine what we’re doing till she joins us. She’s got quite the imagination.” She said as she pulled the confused and concerned Puddle away from me.
My brain proved itself to be ever the asshole I knew it to be as it decided to give me several images of various positions in which I might find Puddle and Blackjack. A part of me realised that Blackjack still thought of herself as the teenaged crusader that she’d been during the battle of the Hoof, but it still bothered me that there was at least some difference mental age between her and I. And well, Puddle, given that the cute earth pony and I were the same age.
Which still didn’t fix the pressing desire I felt to bolt away and hide. Blackjack gave me space to breathe, but I still wanted to get away. I felt like I was going to throw up, and even with the two of them walking around the corner, I was having a hard time calming myself down. My heart still raced, my legs screamed that I needed to be moving. And my inner voice was telling me I was being an idiotic coward for not facing the truth about my own existence: that I probably was too fucked up to even consider any sort of intimacy at all!
Why was I going after mares? Even kissing Puddle or Blackjack, two fillies that I felt were – if not safe, at least marginally less likely to use and hurt me – had felt horribly confusing and had whipped up a fair maelstrom of anxiety within me. Was I doing the right thing? Was I doing the wrong thing? And why in the hell did I tend to default to looking at stallions and colts instead of fillies when presented with a mixed gender group?
My stomach lurched as I caught ripples of bright laughter from around the corner, and put my hooves over my ears. I didn’t want this right now. I was still trying to get over that dream, and now Blackjack was converting Puddle to all of her perverse, lewd ways. And here I was, still stuck on page one of Blackjack’s book of sex, wrestling with the introductory question of ‘do you want a colt, or a filly, or both?’
...That was page one, right?
I took a deep, centring breath, which ultimately wasn’t all that helpful for my calm, then trotted around the corner. Blackjack gave me the biggest grin, as did Puddle, and I felt like I’d missed something.
“What?” I snapped, rounding the corner.
“Nothing,” Blackjack said, that grin turning into a sly smirk.
“Nope,” Puddle echoed a second later. “Nothing at all.”
“I’ll have you know that you both are seriously destroying what little calm I have left after the battle yesterday,” I deadpanned.
Blackjack’s grin faded to a warm smile. “Thren, I’m happy for you. We both are. And while I know you don’t like the teasing, we do it because we like you.” She glanced over at Puddle, “I was just about to tell her about 99 before you returned. I’ll save those stories for another day.” She rose to her hooves and turned away. “I should probably leave you be before I suggest something really fun, like Puddle and me making you the filling in a sandwich.” She said with a grin. Not entirely serious... not entirely joking either... damn it, Blackjack.
I let my ears wilt. “Blackjack, I… you know I kinda have… you know. A lot of shame when it comes to… er…” I twisted my hoof in the air.
“Sex?!” Puddle asked helpfully. I really, really wished she hadn’t been so excited to be helpful. Her ears wilted as I flinched at her outburst. Her confusion and hurt seemed to be churning up a whirlpool of panic inside the little earth pony, though exactly why I couldn’t be certain.
“Yeah that…” I murmured, mentally noting that I needed to make an inventory of ‘How similar to Blackjack are you?’ for the next pony I decided to crawl into bed with. Or a bathtub, as the case had been last night.
Blackjack just smiled that patient, maddeningly passive smile. “Thren, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Long as every filly is having fun and okay with it, there’s no problem... and it’s a lot of fun.” She glanced at Puddle. “We’ll have to flip a coin to see who gets head and who gets tail.” Then she winked! Argh!
Puddle giggled brightly, apparently having concluded that I just needed to be cheered up, then bounced over to put a foreleg around my shoulder before I could shy away from her. “I just want to see that you’re taking care of yourself, silly! Yeah, I know, I get told I need to do the same thing for myself when I’m back home in Stable 9. But sometimes taking care of the pony who takes care of everypony else is part of taking care of me.” She tilted her head to the side as I stiffened and ducked away at her touch. “You don’t regret last night, do you?” She asked, her ears wilting as she withdrew the offending limb before I removed it, and with it, the slight curls in her seafoam green mane straightened slightly.
I didn’t, not at all. I did, bitterly. Not really? I was at least definitely okay with the hot feeling I’d felt under my tail. Except at the same time I really wasn’t, and wanted to kill myself just for for being weak enough to fall victim to those sorts of carnal feelings. I just…
I glanced between Blackjack and Puddle. “I… Should we even be doing this? I mean, you and I are 14, Puddle. And Blackjack, you’re like… what? Mentally…?” I tried to fill in her age, but my brain decided to give me a great big blank for the number that still somehow resolved to something inappropriate.
“Mentally? Five. Maybe six,” Blackjack answered with a chuckle. Oh that only made it worse. Blackjack you absolute… whatever it is that you are.
I frowned at her as Puddle licked my cheek. It took everything in me to not sprint away, but I recoiled from the sudden warm touch of Puddle’s tongue. I shuddered and ducked my head away from, and sent a glare in her direction, and the earth pony backed away, her ears wilting. “Don’t do that,” I growled as my heart again threatened to leap out of my throat. Puddle backed away further, hurt evident on her face.
I closed my eyes and counted to ten again, then finally addressed Blackjack. “No… I was serious. You told Cinnamon in your assessment 3 years ago you were 18. But then you’ve given literally every heartmender you’ve worked with a different answer. And I know that you were at least a few years older than Scotch Tape, ‘cause you always refer to her as ‘little’,” I said, trying to get some leverage in the conversation.
Puddle gave me a confused look as she retreated still further. “Why did you call her Blackjack?” She asked, her eyes darting to the aforementioned pain in my flank.
“It’s another name I go by,” Blackjack answered with a shrug. “Thren, I have no idea how old I am ‘mentally’. How the hey would you even measure that? I’m somewhere between a kid and a pony that’s died and come back more than anypony else I know. Heck, I might not even really be ‘Blackjack’ given that who I am got sucked out of a filly’s brain. Oh, and let’s not pretend being an alicorn didn’t throw a wrench in all that too.” She took a deep breath, pushing down the rising tide of angst welling up inside her. “The question you should ask is ‘Are you okay with me?’ If the answer’s no, then no problem. Midnight told me no six times a day for nearly a year.” She paused, taking on that rare, worrying wistful quality that she tended to adopt whenever she strayed into reminiscence, “Never did get a yes from her.” Then she shook her head. “Point is, you tell me what my mental age is, and I’ll go off that.” Then she laid down, crossed her hooves, and looked at me patiently. Meanwhile Puddle was staring at Blackjack as if she’d grown a second head... or three!
“Blackjack, I just…” I frowned, trying to figure out how to tactfully explain that her sexual ethics, however reformed, were still primarily developed in an environment that sanctioned industrialised rape. “You look like an adult mare, and that’s why I keep saying no.” I paused, and my brain caught up with my mouth. Fuck. Shit. Ass. Hells. Dammit. “I mean... what I mean is that it’s because of that and that I’m a young filly. And that’s very wrong.”
Puddle quirked an eyebrow at me, which I desperately tried to ignore.
“If you say so. I got taught about sex by an adult mare.” She said with a shrug. “But hey, if it’s wrong, then it’s wrong.” She glanced at Puddle. “It was a stable thing in 99. A quirk.”
Puddle nodded. “I… thought everypony got taught sex ed by an adult. Miss Aria taught our class,” She explained. She paused just long enough for me to start to worry about the sanity of Stable 9. “But the slideshow she showed us was kind of unhelpful, and we were generally encouraged to also talk to our parents about it and wait until we thought we were old enough and mature enough to handle it.”
“Really? Soft Touch had sex with all of us. Made sure we knew how to do it right,” she screwed up her face a moment. “Though she had a slide show too. Funny, huh?” she asked Puddle with a grin.
Puddle crinkled her nose. “Eww… Miss Aria is like 70. I waited until I was 13,” she explained. “I figured I was old enough then. And the colt was my age,” She said as she gave Blackjack a knowing grin. “And he made me smile.”
I looked back and forth between the Stable ponies. Were all Stable dwellers just insane? Was there something with the Stable-Tec air purification system that just warped your sexual morals?
“That said…” Puddle continued, stopping my conspiracy theories about Scootaloo’s designs. “I probably should have waited a little bit. It could have been bad, because we didn’t use anything for protection. Rhiannon was kind of upset with me for that. Especially since she kind of took me in after…” She paused, letting her ears droop. “Well, after my folks died.”
I swore that I had a talent for finding the most depressing, sexually charged, and frustrating ponies in the wasteland. Or maybe it was just Blackjack. Maybe she was like a beacon for sad ponies. She trotted over to put a hoof around Puddle’s shoulders and pulled her closer. “Don’t worry about that. Life goes on. You start thinking about the ponies you’ve lost, and you’ll lose your mind.” She gave me a significant look before she went on, “I was ten, but that was standard. Two years of sexual education at the hooves of a professional. I don’t think it messed me up too bad.” She paused, screwing up her face. “Well, maybe a little, if you listen to ponies like Thren.”
Puddle looked at me and chuckled, then gave Blackjack a nuzzle on the cheek. “Well, Heartmenders are a weird bunch. Like I was telling Threnody last night before we um, stopped talking and started kissing, my Aunt, Rhiannon, is a Heartmender. And she’s in charge of our stable,” She grinned at Blackjack. “And you’re right, I try to not let the ponies I’ve lost get me down. Rhiannon said each pony displays some aspect of the Elements of Harmony, and I’ve been striving all my life to be Laughter! It’s a lot more fun than the other elements, I feel,” she said with a sage nod.
I frowned. This was the second time Puddle had mentioned the Elements of Harmony, or the Magic of Friendship. A part of my brain that didn’t seem to hate my guts reminded me of a badly damaged copy of a book found once that seemed to make reference to things like that, but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what she meant.
“Well, I…” I stopped, my voice refusing to go any further. I couldn’t talk about my stuff. That would be weird. And painful. But mostly weird. I didn’t need to bother Puddle and Blackjack with my crap. So I just smiled. “Nevermind.”
“Nevermind?” Blackjack asked, and I could see the dilemma inside her. Push me to share or back off? She then gave a little shrug. “Nevermind then,” that smile returning. “Anyway, I should probably go find some something to something. Let you two talk. Or kiss. Or make happy, sweet sex together. You know. Whatever.” She gave that impudent, juvenile grin as she prepared to remove herself from our equation.
Puddle gave Blackjack a kiss on the cheek. “Threnody is lucky to have somepony understanding like you, Blackjack,” She said with a grin. Why did I feel jealous about that kiss? And why did Puddle kissing Blackjack make me feel left out, and who I was jealous of in the first place? One of whom also happened to be my client, one of the more assholish portions of my brain added. Argh!
“You two have fun doing something,” she said as she walked away still wearing that infuriatingly cheeky grin. “Something the something with the something in the something. Mmmmhmmm... that sure is something.” And... was she skipping? She was! She was skipping away and leaving us alone to... do... what?
Sweet Celestia, save me!
I looked up, meeting Puddle’s hatefully pretty maroon eyes, and let out a sigh. “Um… about this morning. I am really sorry. I-”
Puddle made like she was about to put a hoof up to my lips, then stopped. Her emotions twisted to and fro as she appeared to be trying to figure out how best to comfort me at the moment. Blessedly, she chose words first. “Shh. I think I get it,” She said, then frowned. “Okay, maybe not, but I’m guessing something bad happened to you, and if you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to. I just wanted to let you know I would be here for you if you needed me,” She said with a gentle smile.
I looked down at my hooves, and nodded. Puddle wrapped her forelegs around me in a tight hug that burned like Celestia’s sun. It hurt worse that Puddle was actively projecting an enviable amount of compassion my direction. “Though you don’t have to be ashamed of what happened. Whatever it was, it wasn’t your fault.”
Oh good, I was doing that crying thing again. I couldn’t tell her how much it killed me to having her touching me like that right now. And it somehow hurt more to hear that exact phrase from Puddle. I know I’d used that line a myriad of times in so many sessions with countless of clients, but goddamn did it hurt. My insides coiled up, but I forced them to settle down once Puddle finally, mercifully released me from the torment of her embrace. Later, I hissed inwardly. I swallowed, wiping tears from my eyes with my good wing.
“I… don’t want to talk about it,” I rasped, my voice like sandpaper. “But I do think I should probably get something to nibble on.” I said, my stomach squelching and gurgling in protestation at the thought of eating at a time like this. I hoped that Puddle mistook those baleful sounds for hunger, not anxiety.
She looked very excited for a moment, and desire washed over me in a hot wave, threatening to make my wings pop open. Or make me violently ill. One or the other.
“I meant food, Puddle,”
“Aww…”
Puddle and I trotted into the saloon. In the night, a lot of the ponies who had previously been resting there must have left. Overhead, the prices were no longer in ‘script’, and were back in caps. We were about to head up to the tired looking pony behind the bar when Glitter Bomb burst in.
“Threnody!” She cried, sprinting over to me, and burying her face in my neck. “I can’t find Bubblegum!” Why was everyone insistent upon touching me today!?
I frowned. “Uh, can’t you just teleport to him, Glitter?” I asked, lightly patting my friend’s pretty purple mane as I leaned away from her.
“I can’t! I tried televisioning to him, but I couldn’t get my magic to go schwoomp like normal!” She said, tears rolling down her face. “He was there last night when we went to bed, but when I got up, he was gone.”
I frowned, cheeks burning. From the other side, I could see how that kind of behaviour could inspire worry. “Alright, well, let’s see if anypony’s seen him. I can ask around town.”
Glitter nodded and followed Puddle and I out of the saloon.
“Did he say anything about where he might be going?” I asked, trotting toward the centre of town. “Anything?”
Glitter shook her head. “I was really tired last night, but he seemed super sad. Like he was kinda off on his own warp or something.”
Puddle gave Glitter a pensive look. “Do you think he just needed some time alone?”
“Maybe?” Glitter replied with a shrug of her wings. “But I’ve never been not able to telepurt to him!”
“I’m sure that we can find him,” I said, trying to think where the handsome stallion could have gotten off to.
The three of us fillies darted around the square, asking ponies if they’d seen Bubblegum. Running hither and yon about town was actually doing wonders for my calm as I burned off my anxiety from the morning with exercise. Which made me begrudgingly grateful for Blackjack’s unbidden healing of my hoof.
As we asked about for him, most of the mares definitely knew who we were asking about, but couldn’t say they’d seen him recently, but that they hoped he was still around, earning them dark looks from Glitter. The stallions mostly made grumblings about ‘being too pretty for his own good’, but weren’t able to help either. We were about to give up hope when a young earth pony mare trotted by us, a shovel across her back.
“Miss, you haven’t seen Bubblegum, have you? Periwinkle coat, pink mane, hardest flanks this side of–” An ill-tempered stamp from Glitter’s hind hoof cut me off before I could elaborate further. “Look, you know who I’m talking about, have you seen him or not?” I asked, frustration at our lack of progress colouring my tone of voice.
The green earth pony blinked, then shook herself. “Oh, yeah! Cute colt, really muscular?” She asked, then pointed a hoof up the road toward the edge of town that bordered the river. “He was over there, burying the dead.” She said sombrely. “I was going to see if he needed help, but he sent me away. I figured I’d just mosey back to town. Is everything alright, girls?”
We were running up the road before we could give her a reply.
When we reached the top of a small hill that led up toward the town’s levee, we found graves. Hundreds of them. Some looked old, like we’d wandered into a pre-war cemetery, but others were fresh. I lost count of the number of fresh graves after forty. Puddle and Glitter walked silently beside me as we made our way through the graveyard. Had Bubblegum dug all of these graves himself?
Coming to the end of the lonely plot of land where the graveyard lay, we found a single shovel, propped up in the dirt. Bubblegum, however, was nowhere to be found.
Glitter Bomb dashed over to the shovel and started sniffing at it. “It smells like him! Where could he have goed? Why did he leave?” She asked, panic rising in her voice.
I grabbed her cheeks and pulled her head down to my level to focus her and prevent her from sending me into yet another panic attack for the day. The desire to not feel the weight of her anxiety overrode my desire to avoid physical contact at that moment. “Okay. Slow down. Let’s think this through. Did he say anything to you before you went to bed? Maybe during the night?”
Glitter shook her head. “He was… really quiet last night. And I think I heard him whimpering more than normal in his sleep,” Puddle and I winced as she bit her lip. There was a normal amount of whimpering? Oh. Oh dear. “But I didn’t sleep the bestest either. The battle was really, really scary.”
Puddle put a hoof on Glitter’s shoulder. “He didn’t say anything about wanting time alone?”
Again, Glitter shook her head. “He just was gone when I woked up this morning,” she said. “Did I do a bad?”
I gently petted Glitter’s messy purple forelock. “No. I don’t think you did anything wrong,” I said, frowning. “Though I think maybe he… just wanted some space? The battle was probably just as scary for him.”
Glitter sat down on her rump, and let her head droop. “It was scary for both of us,” She said quietly. “I don’t like fighting ponies. It hurts to get shotted. And I felt really bad when I hurted them back.” Please don’t cry, please don’t cry. A dry chuckle whispered through my ears as Glitter teared up. “Threnody, I think I want to go home.”
I sighed, unsure of what to say. For once, my heartmending senses felt… dull. Like I was viewing the world through the emotional equivalent of frosted glass.
“Glitter, I know it was scary for you. It was scary for everypony who fought yesterday,” Puddle said as I mulled over my lack of ability to feel anything. “And I’m sure you can go home once you and… Blackjack? And Bubblegum are all able to travel.” She said, patting Glitter’s shoulder. Glitter surprised a frustratingly adorable squeak out of the little earth pony by grabbing her up like she was my Scootaloo plushie and hugging her tight as the big alicorn sobbed.
Glitter’s fear and pain finally hit me after a long moment. Though my initial elation at the sudden return of my empathic abilities again was quickly quashed by the realisation that I could now only hear Glitter out of my right ear. I trotted over and sat down next to my friend.
“I’m really, really sorry, Glitter, that I put you through this. I didn’t think us going north would be like this at all,” I said, sighing. “And if you want to go home after this, we’ll go home.”
Glitter hiccupped; sorrow, regret, and anguish poured off of her and soaked into the earth under her rump, maybe to join the burbling river behind us. “I’ll be okay. I just… everything hurts a lot. Like my heart is all broked inside,” she said with a soft sniff. “I don’t think I should be allowed to do that to ponies with my magic.” Shame threatened to pierce my hide by proximity alone, shields be damned.
I took in a sharp breath, remembering back to when Glitter had literally used her strength to crush a pony into paste. I ruffled out my wings, letting my fears and doubts float off with the air they displaced. “I don’t know what to tell you, Glitter. I’m so sorry everything hurts inside. And I can feel how sad you are, and how badly you feel about what happened during the fight.” I took a deep breath. “Those feelings are normal, Glitter. And I am so glad that you’re telling me about it. I think that we should talk more, and if you need to, we can talk to Blackjack about how she deals with those feelings,” I said with a sad smile. “Even if she may not give you a straight answer.”
Puddle nodded in agreement with me. “Hey, how about we go get something to eat, huh, Glitter? Get a snack cake to take your mind off things? I know how hard it can be sometimes to smile after something like this.”
Like a foal picking up blocks and putting them into a basket, I felt Glitter taking the broken little pieces of herself and putting them away. She let out another sniffle, then nodded to Puddle. “Maybe if we get a snack cake, then Bubblegum will know I want to see him,” She said hopefully. I decided to not even try parsing that particular kernel of Glitter-logic.
Puddle said something in reply to her, but it was lost to the ringing in my ears. I rubbed a hoof against my left ear, and finally was rewarded with sound.
… And the sudden feeling of where Bubblegum was. Huh.
“Puddle… can you and Glitter go back and get some snacks?” I asked. “I’m gonna just… rest here a minute.”
Puddle gave me a confused look, but nodded. “Come on Glitter. Let’s go get some snack cakes. Or maybe some apples! They have really fresh ones around here!”
Glitter managed to give Puddle a shy grin before following after the effusive little earth pony. I waited until they were out of sight until I started following the dark runnels of feelings that bore Bubblegum’s unmistakable emotional signature. They ran like a small stream down from by the riverbank. I quietly picked my way down the embankment, and followed along an extremely worn path that the river somehow hadn’t yet claimed.
Rounding a bend, I found Bubblegum. The periwinkle stallion was seated beneath a willow tree, staring down at the water with an intensity that told me that he was paying more attention to his thoughts than the swiftly flowing water.
I brushed a bit of the long, spindly branches out of the way with my good wing. “Bubblegum?” I asked, trying to give him a look that was all concern and care.
Bubblegum didn’t move a muscle, save to glance at me out of the corner of his eye. “Did Glitter send you to find me?” He asked, his emotions unyielding and icy enough to steal my breath away.
I shook my head, frowned, then nodded my affirmative. “Yes. no. Sort of? Glitter came to get me because she couldn’t teleport to y-”
“Cause I don’t want her to.”
I blinked. What? “She can’t teleport to you because… you don’t want her to?” That made about as much sense as her ability to randomly teleport to whomever she chose. I shook my head. “I told her I’d find you. Really, we are all just worried because you up and disappeared.” Again, I was stung by a pang of self-reproach.
Bubblegum turned to face me, his eyes hard. “I appreciate that. Now please leave me alone.”
I frowned up at him. “Look, I know you’re not oka-”
“No I’m not!” Bubblegum snapped, cutting me off. “I hate killing ponies. I hate it when I have to fight for my life and others get hurt despite my best intentions. I hate the fact that I can be an instrument of death when needed, and then I’m treated like a piece of meat when not!” He hissed, glaring at me.
I sat down hard in front of him. My eyes widened as fear and worry for him took over, and I remained motionless as he continued his tirade.
“You showed up, asked me to come with you. I figured, what the hell, this could be fun! Plus it was a chance to travel with cute mares!” He spat at the ground. “Little did I know that one of them is a neurotic mess that lies all the time, and the other has this routine where she turns herself into an equine version of a blender!” He paused to take a breath. “Which, by the way, isn’t the first time I’ve seen said mare do that.” My eyes widened in shock. “Oh yes, she had a bit more mechanical bits, and a bit more rage, but I fought in the battle of the Hoof. As a Crusader, I know just what Security is capable of. And you can try to deny it all you like, but dammit, I know that’s her.”
Bubblegum’s words stunned me silent. “Oh!” He continued, “and the really cute filly that’s my size happens to be an alicorn, which means that while she’s super sweet and kind, she has the power to basically crush me into paste if the mood strikes her! She probably can use her magic to throw me through walls if I make her mad, and could teleport me into something! You know Security actually did that to a mare once? I certainly do, I can’t stop the thought entering my head each and every time Glitter throws a tantrum! So forgive me if I’m being harsh, but, I may be just a little out of my fucking depth at the moment!” His chest heaved a few times before he blinked at me. “Did I miss anything?!”
My heartbeat pounded in my ears as I did my best to weather the storm of rage, anguish, fear, and despair that had slammed into me when Bubbles began speaking. I didn’t know where to start, so I tried humor. “Well, the other cute mare that you thought might like you turned out to be a lesbian?” I suggested unhelpfully.
Bubblegum glared at me, then let out an amused snort. “Okay, yeah, I’ll give you that,” He said, scuffing the rocks in front of him with a massive hoof. “No, Threnody, I am not okay. This entire trip has been a fucking mess since the word ‘go’, and I’m getting a bit of a headache from it all,” He looked down at his pockmarked armour. “Not to mention bruises, bullet wounds, cuts, and all sorts of other crap that comes with being a mercenary! Except, oh yeah, I haven’t even gotten paid!”
I worried that his tirade was about to start anew, but when I moved to get up, Bubblegum’s glare kept me seated at the edge of the willow branches. “Nope. No, you stay there. I watched what you did when you healed Basalt Breaker. That took a hell of a lot more out of you than you said at the time, and you need to not do that,” He shook his head. “Dammit, Threnody, you run around acting like you are the most selfless thing, and in the end you just end up a martyr to some unknown cause! It’s bullshit and you know it!” He said, stabbing a hoof at me.
Anger rose up inside of me, but I bit it back down. Well, most of it. “I’m not going to dignify that with a response, Bubblegum. That’s not fair and you know it!” Actually, I wasn’t sure that he knew it was unfair. Especially since the unfairness had to do with the fact that, ultimately, he had a point.
Bubblegum quirked an eyebrow at me. “Uh huh. Sure. Whatever Threnody. Then why the sorrell hells are you out here and not back in town with Blackjack?”
I scrunched up my muzzle, laying my ears back. “I don’t want to talk about that.”
Bubblegum laid down, and crossed his forehooves in front of him. “Oh? Why’s that? Are heartmenders not supposed to have attachments? Or maybe it just doesn’t feel fun to have someone else prying into your own relationships, hm?” I glared at him in response. “Well? If no one else asks, who is supposed to listen to the listeners, Threnody? I mean… why did you even want me to come with you in the first place? You don’t know a thing about me.”
“You don’t think I know that?” I snapped. “The entire time you’ve been travelling with us I’ve been very aware that the only thing I know about you is what I see based on your actions. Mind you, your actions tell me that you’re a damned fine pony, but you know way fucking more than you let on. And while I think you mean the best for Glitter, I don’t know for certain. And now you’re telling me that you’re scared of her, my closest friend. Who happens to be one of the sweetest mares I know, by the way,” I paused, then ruffled my right wing in annoyance. “And for the record, right now I’m trying to just keep everypony alive!”
“Yeah, you’re doing a fan-fucking-tastic job at that, Threnody.”
The anger and hurt in Bubblegum’s words made me recoil like he’d slapped me with his massive hoof. “I didn’t want us to get involved here in Fold!” I lied.
“Brahmin shit,” Bubblegum retorted, laying his ears back. “You said you wanted to make sure they weren’t getting hurt. Did you think about that, Threnody? Did that go through your mind before you melted Sweetness’ face? Did you have any idea what would happen?” He asked. He paused, then continued before I could respond. “That was kind of badass, by the way.”
The wash of harsh emotions sheeting off him abated for a moment, interrupted by a zephyr of genuine admiration, but I wasn’t in the mood for compliments at the moment. “No, I didn’t. And what happened to Sweetness was an accident! I didn’t know I could do that, and I’m paying for it!”
“With what? Your hoof got messed up?” He glanced down to the hoof Blackjack had recently fixed. “Seems like that little debt’s already been settled.” I glared at him, and refused to speak. “What Threnody? What else is going on with you?”
“None of your fucking business,” I said icily, feeling the mane on the back of my neck standing up. “All you need to know is that I didn’t mean to hurt Sweetness, and I feel awful about what happened to her.” I frowned. “Okay, well, maybe not completely awful. She was sort of an awful pony. And she was threatening me.”
Bubblegum rolled his eyes at me. “Threnody, I kinda figured that one out for myself. I may be an earth pony, but that doesn’t mean I’m dumb.”
“I never said you were dumb!” I cried. “When did I ever say that?”
“Never, but you sure act like you think you’re the only one with a brain,” He replied quietly. The softness in his voice and the concern he started to radiate tossed my senses to and fro, like a boat in a hurricane. “I’m not okay, Glitter is not okay, Basalt is not okay, and neither is Blackjack, probably. But the one who is likely least okay is you, and I don’t see you sharing your innermost thoughts about yesterday.”
I glared at Bubblegum as something Cinnamon had said to me in passing echoed in my mind. ‘Caregivers are often the silent casualties, the hidden victims. Nopony sees the sacrifices they make.’ Great, now the big brute was making me think of that red-headed bitch!
“I. Will. Be. Fine.” I said, emphasizing each word. “What can I do to help you?”
Bubblegum frowned at me for a moment longer, then shook his head. “I just… all I wanted to say was that it sucks. The entire situation, the way that the earth ponies were treated, the fact that the unicorns that were loyal to Fold were the majority of the casualties. I mean, we did great keeping civilian casualties to a minimum, and really hurt the Family before they just… poofed.” He said, clapping his hooves together then spreading them apart. “But ponies were still killed. And some of them at my hoof.” He grit his teeth and a black tide of rage and remorse came surging out of him, “And I really, really don’t like doing that.”
My ears wilted. “Bubblegum, I’m–”
“Yes. You are sorry. I know. But I hate to tell you this kid, but seriously? Your sentiments? Your contrition?” I blinked as Bubblegum used a word that I thought only I would know. He gave me a disappointed look. “Yes. I read a book once. Try not to faint ‘cause some of us also care about reading,” He snorted, then shook his head. “What you’re doing is not helping right now. Sometimes you just have to hurt for a while,” he said with a stern look on his muzzle. “Which is what I was doing before you interrupted my brooding.”
I stared at him, swamped by hurt and regret, both mine and his, and just about every other gut-emotion under Celestia’s goddess-forsaken sun. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to fix this. Usually ponies wanted to talk to me! This… this wasn’t how things were supposed to work at all!
Bubblegum sighed. “And now you’re sitting there looking hurt at me. Seriously? Is that what you fillies do when you’ve got nothing else to fall back on? Emotional blackmail?”
“No!” I shouted at him, then quickly realised that I’d been pouting. “I… no. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad when you already feel like ass, Bubblegum,” I replied, shaking my head. “I just… I don’t know how to fix this,” I admitted, looking down at my hooves.
“Because maybe this isn’t something you’re meant to fix, Threnody,” Bubblegum replied, standing up. He stretched his gloriously muscled body, then gave me a look with his pink eyes that gave me the impression he was peering straight into the darkest recesses of my soul. “I mean, okay, I don’t know why you’re following Blackjack around. Maybe it’s because you think leading her about in the wasteland is going to fix her, but if she’s anything like she used to be,” he shuddered. “There is no fix. She doesn’t get better. Maybe she learns to live with all the shit she’s been through. Probably won’t. But you’re fooling yourself if you think you can salvage… that.”
That hurt, and my face fell at Bubblegum’s words. He was right, though. I was being arrogant, thinking that I, the littlest heartmender that the Followers had, could succeed where all of my older peers had failed. Tears welled at the corners of my eyes as the weight of my disappointment in myself settled in.
“Oh for crying out– Come on, nononononono!” Bubblegum said, reaching over with a big hoof and pulling me closer. My guts lurched again, but he smelled like cedar. “Please don’t cry. I don’t know what to do when mares cry. I don’t regret what I said, but please don’t cry!”
I looked up at him through slitted eyes, then punched his shoulder. “Oww,” I said, shaking my hoof as I realised that apparently Bubblegum’s muscles were made out of spun steel, not flesh. But his coat was insanely soft. “No, I’m not crying. I just…” I sighed, looking down at my hooves. “I mean, I was, but not to get a reaction. I was just… I’m listening to what you said.”
Bubblegum nodded, apparently placated by the fact that my tears hadn’t just been for effect. An unscrupulous part of my brain noted that tears apparently were an effective way to manipulate him, and I logged that fact away for Glitter’s use later. “Well,” he sighed, brushing the willow branches out of the way. “Since you deemed it necessary to interrupt a perfectly lovely brooding session, I suppose we should probably get back to the others, hmm?”
As if on cue, my stomach growled loudly. Bubblegum simply shook his head.
“I know, I know, I need to remember to eat…”
Bubblegum and I found Blackjack, Puddle, and Glitter in the midst of a horrified looking saloon audience. Blackjack wore a shit-eating grin on her face. Puddle looked pensive. Glitter’s wings were splayed out behind her and she displayed far more interest in whatever Blackjack was saying than I’d ever seen her display for… well, anything.
I sighed. “Twenty caps says Blackjack is talking about sex,” I muttered.
Bubblegum snorted. “I’m not taking that bet,” he deadpanned in reply.
Glitter’s face lit up when she saw Bubblegum trotting toward their table, switching from her interested expression to her typical innocent happiness. “Oh! Bubblegum! We were just talking about you!”
“Oh Goddess Luna.” Up to that point I didn’t know dreary resignation could feel quite so intense.
“Yeah! Blackjack was just talking about all the things that stallions can do so I know what to do with you later!” She said, her happiness and glee bubbling effusively over the table.
“Wait. What?” Bubblegum asked, stopping in his tracks. He blushed deeply, and levelled a glare on Blackjack, who continued to wear the same shit-eating grin. “What did you tell her?”
Blackjack attempted to give him her most innocent expression. A look that ended up disturbingly close to a half-lidded come hither expression that made me think she was about two seconds from trying to bed him. “What? We were just having filly talk!”
My hoof met my face as Bubblegum sighed. “That… was entirely what I was afraid of,” He said, plopping heavily down next to Glitter. My friend nuzzled her muzzle into the crook of his neck, causing Bubblegum to blush harder.
Puddle opened her mouth to say something, but drew my hoof across my throat in a cutting motion. “Oh no. Not you too. Not doing it. Not today. Stars. Can’t do it!” I said, trying to silence her with a quelling glare.
It didn’t work. “What? I didn’t say anything!” She protested. “We were just talking about the time that-”
I covered my ears with my hooves. “I’m not listening to this!”
Blackjack laughed at me as I desperately begged for a moment of that distressing silence that had decided to permeate my life of late. “What’s wrong, Thren? Afraid that I’m giving away all the pages to Blackjack’s Big Book of Bedroom Boisterousness?” She asked, poking my side.
I sighed heavily. “Look, I just want to get something to eat, then figure out what we’re doing next,” Puddle’s excitement washed over me. “Puddle, no!”
The little earth pony pouted cutely. Goddesses dammit it was cute. “I didn’t say anything!” She protested, giving her voice just the perfect amount of noxiously adorable whine.
I turned away from the little teal ball of adorable to glare at Blackjack, who gave me a slow, level smile. That smile suggested she was about to say something lewd, so I tried to fix her with a quelling glare. Which only seemed to have the effect that of making her smile wider and even more lascivious.
“Why do you insist on talking about this when I’m around?!” I asked, letting out a frustrated snort. I looked to Bubblegum, who merely shrugged helplessly as Glitter continued to croon over him. Traitor.
“Cause you make cute grumpy noises, and it makes me happy?” Blackjack asked with that stupid, easy smile. Unsettlingly enough, I wasn’t sensing any jealousy from Puddle when Blackjack said things like that. Weird.
As my friends laughed at my plight, their laughing dimmed in my perception as I started to feel the sorrow, the regret, and the pain that lay just beneath the surface. All of them were hurting from yesterday, but here we were, carrying on like fillies and colts in a schoolyard. I flicked my right ear, realising fairly quickly that it wasn’t just my thoughts dimming their speech. I just couldn’t hear them out of my right ear.
Blackjack gave me a puzzled look. “Everything alright, Threnody?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “Just felt like my mane was tickling my ear,” I replied.
Magic flared from Blackjack’s horn as she levitated a green ribbon from her saddlebags, and tied my mane up in a ponytail. In spite of my aversion to touch, for some reason the act of putting my mane back up was oddly calming. I quickly tried to quash those feelings of calm, but offered her what I hoped was grateful smile. “There, that ought to help,” She said. “Now let’s see about getting some breakfast…”
Solidarity and a very drawn Basalt Breaker later joined us for breakfast. I tried my best to follow their conversations as they talked about the fate of the town, but the numb silence in my right ear had been quickly joined by a slight ringing in my left.
I quietly excused myself, and trotted out of the saloon. I made my way down the path to the hotel that Puddle and I had stayed in the night before. I didn’t get it. Was this because I’d used my inner magic to hurt Sweetness? I knew that heartmenders who overworked themselves often bore scars from the exertion, but… could you actually lose senses?
Could I actually lose the most important part of a heartmender’s abilities? My hearing?
I mentally braced for the sound of dry chuckling, but luckily it seemed like Dealer wasn’t in the mood to bother me at the moment, so I trotted up to my room, and once again curled up in bed.
A few hours later, I woke to a gentle rubbing of my back. I slitted my eyes, squirming away from the contact and found it was Puddle touching me once my eyes had adjusted.
“You left without saying anything,” She said softly, the offending hoof settling on the bed. “Is everything okay?”
I flicked my right ear several times, trying to get my hearing back, but I was met with only silence. “Yeah, I’m… just tired, Puddle,” I said, carefully omitting the truth about my hearing issues.
Puddle gave me a rather queer look that I couldn’t quite interpret. She leaned in close to me, then pulled back quickly. “Okay,” She said, frowning. “I’m not sure I believe you,” She shook her head. “Oh well. I’m sure you’d tell me if it was important!”
Yes. Totally. “Um, yeah,” I replied, shaking my head as I got up. “Was something going on?” I asked, curious as to why she’d disturbed me.
Puddle nodded, her emotions suddenly becoming far more sombre. “Oh, yes. In a few minutes, Basalt Breaker and Blue Belle are going to talk to the town. I think they’re going to have a ceremony for the dead,” She said, leaning in to nose at my side. I did my best to not tense up at her touch.
“Right. Um, we should probably get going,” I said, rolling off of the bed away from her. I felt bad when I felt disappointment dim Puddle’s normally happy demeanour, but I didn’t know what to say to her. Sorry that I made out with you last night? I’m kind of emotionally unstable and now I don’t know how to handle the fact that you actually seem to like me? Yeah, that’d go over well!
Puddle seemed to collect herself, and followed after me as we made our way down to the town square. Ponies of all shapes and sizes gathered there, including several that were still wrapped in the grubby, bloody bandages that Glitter and I had put on them the day before. Most seemed to be healing, or at least slightly less worse for wear than they were the day before. A part of me wondered if it was because the saloon said they would be offering food for free for the next two days.
Puddle and I weaved our way through the crowd to the front. On a makeshift stage stood Basalt Breaker and Blue Belle. Blue Belle had her right leg bound up in a sling, and had a bandage wrapped around her neck. A graze had cut dangerously close to her carotid artery, and I was glad that I didn’t have to figure out how to stitch that back together with only my mouth and Glitter’s magic. The blue unicorn’s horn lit up, and she nodded to Basalt Breaker.
Basalt stepped forward, and cleared her throat. Blue Belle must have been using some sort of sound amplification spell, because I could actually hear her. “Everypony, thanks for coming. I… really wish I was making this speech under better circumstances,” She looked down at the stage. “Honestly I’d’ve rather had Buzz Saw doing this. She was always good at finding ways to make things short and sweet, huh? Just say your piece and git, right?”
The gathered crowd let out a low, appreciative chuckle, but a taut, doleful anxiety lingered over the crowd like low fog. Basalt breaker let out a sigh. “Folks, we’ve just been through hell and back. I don’t know if this can be fixed, but we’ve got two big problems on our hooves. One, we have got to come together after this. Right now the Family’s probably done confused us all about whether or not our neighbours can be trusted, right?” She nodded toward Blue Belle. “Is Blue Belle letting me speak on my own, or is this under duress?” She shrugged. “Well, it’s my own words here. My own way of trying to help.”
The crowd let out low murmurs as the grey mare continued. “The only way things are going to get better is if we make a stand. Don’t let the hate, the mistreatment – goddess knows us earth ponies have been mistreated – get to us. We stand against that awfulness and hate that the Family tried to instill in us. I mean,” She sat down on her haunches and spread her forelegs wide. “Of the ponies that died yesterday in the fighting, almost all of them were unicorns. Unicorns that were our friends, our brothers and sisters who wanted to see Fold back to what it was. What Buzz wanted it to be!” Her voice seemed to waver a bit, but I didn’t think it was all of Basalt’s fault. I glanced over at Blue Belle, who seemed to be failing at holding her own emotions in check. Thin wet lines ran down the blue mare’s cheeks, but her horn flared a little more brightly as she swallowed.
Basalt Breaker sniffled. “I mean, it’s kind of been the worst kept secret in Fold what my feelings were for her,” The crowd chuckled again, but this time there was more empathy than anxiety in its mood. “And… honestly, she wanted more from us. Remember before the Family showed up? Before they more less took us over? She wanted us to all get rich, right? Sell all the wood we could to silly ponies willing to buy it?”
She shook her head. “I think we can still do that. I know we can. Cause the second problem we gotta face is being able to defend ourselves. If we can’t show that we’ve still got our spirit, what are we? Are we even Timberjacks anymore?”
“No!” A stallion shouted from the crowd.
Basalt stuck a hoof in his direction. “Exactly! We ain’t Timberjacks!” She shook her head. “But we could be. We could find a way to make caps, make everypony rich. Make it so nopony in our town has to go hungry. Right?”
The crowd of gathered ponies cheered mightily, and began to stamp their hooves in appreciation. I had to give Basalt some credit; she sure knew how to handle the situation.
“So we’re going to be Timberjacks again, right?”
“Right!” The crowd roared.
Basalt closed her eyes, then nodded. “Then the first thing we gotta do is pay respects to those of us we lost. Those who died fighting for us to be us again. I’m gonna let Blue Belle take over. Ya’ll know she’s better with words than I am,” She said, stepping off of the stage, leaving it to the blue unicorn mare.
Blue Belle began reading names, but my eyes were on Basalt. Despite the fiery enthusiasm she’d worked the crowd up with, there was a heavy darkness in her heart. Her face fixed in a detached expression that I’d seen once before, which caused me to bolt after her. I felt another presence behind me as Blackjack’s magic wrapped around my barrel, and she scooped me up onto her back.
“Blackjack?” I asked as we galloped after Basalt Breaker.
“I know that look. Saw it on my own face a few too many times,” She said soberly. “That there is a mare who feels like there’s no way out.”
“Sometimes I think the loneliness inside me is going to explode through my skin and sometimes I’m not sure if crying or screaming or laughing through the hysteria will solve anything at all. Sometimes I’m so desperate to touch to be touched to feel that I’m almost certain I’m going to fall off a cliff in an alternate universe where no one will ever be able to find me. It doesn’t seem possible. I have been screaming for years, and no one has ever heard me.” - Tahereh Mafi from “Shatter Me”
I clung to Blackjack’s back as she barrelled down the side streets of Fold, racing after Basalt Breaker. The grey mare had disappeared rather quickly after we’d started after her, leading me to suspect she knew she was being pursued. But that didn’t really matter. What I’d felt in her, what Blackjack had seen on her face drove us to find her. And fast.
“What’s the plan, boss?” Blackjack asked as she raced around a corner. “Cause I’ll be honest, I kinda just went ‘need to fix problem’ and ran off after you. Any details beyond that are a bit uh… fuzzy.”
I really didn’t have a plan, either. I mean, I’d worked with ponies who were at the point where they thought that the only way out of their suffering was to end their lives. But in those situations, I mostly just listened. I tried to give some light counterpoints about how they really did have things to live for, even if they couldn’t see them from the low places they were stuck in. And then I hoped that just by spending time with them, those feelings of hurt would ebb enough that suicide no longer seemed like the only option.
“Well… If we catch her, we listen.”
“Okay, and then?”
“Hope,” I said quietly. “Hope that what we say sticks. Or if all else fails… you grab her, and I’ll just…” I frowned, not sure how to explain it. “I’ll just take it out of her.”
Blackjack actually skidded to a stop, which gave me the opportunity to slip off of her back. “No,” She said firmly. “That is not a solution and you know it. You’ll take her pain away but you won’t fix her hurt. Pretty soon that pain’ll fill her up again and then I‘ll have to deal with two mares that want to off themselves.”
“But…”
Blackjack stared at me. “No. Find a new plan.” She said, taking off again down a nondescript alley. “Now let's get back to finding Basalt before she does something stupid.”
I frowned, but followed after her. Blackjack and I made our way through the twisting, narrow back alleys of Fold. I wasn’t sure how Blackjack thought we were going to find Basalt, but I figured she had some idea of where we should go. Because at the moment my own senses were… foggy.
It was frustrating. It was like I could either hear, but not feel anything with my heartmender abilities, or I was deaf and could feel everything. But no in between. I wanted to blame it on my encounters with Peculiar, but every time I found myself thinking along those lines, I’d hear Bubblegum’s question about ‘what else was going on with me.’
The truth was, I didn’t know. Even as we threaded through the streets, looking for a mare with a mortal emotional wound, I didn’t know what was going on with me. And a part of me wondered if I should even be trying to help Basalt at all in my current state. But another part of me reminded me that I was a heartmender. We could handle emotional issues better than any other kind of pony on the planet. That I just needed to set my shit aside and focus on her.
...I really hoped that it worked.
Blackjack stopped in front of a small, dirty storefront on the earth pony side of town. Or what looked like the earth pony side of town. Somehow calling it that, felt horribly wrong. The ponies of Fold should have been allowed to live wherever they wanted. However, because of the Family’s meddling, the earth ponies seemed to have been edged out to the more dilapidated areas.
Blackjack shook her head, then pushed the door open. “Figures she’d come home,” she said, trotting into the building.
“Wait, home?” I asked quietly as I followed her into a small staircase that led up to what must have been an apartment over the store.
She put a hoof to her lips as we made our way silently up the stairs. As we reached the door at the top of the stairs, I could hear Basalt’s soft sobbing. My ears wilted as Blackjack slowly opened the door.
“Hey BB,” She said softly, trotting in the door with a staggering amount of confidence given how anxious she felt. “You left kinda quick there from the meeting. Everything alright?”
I braced myself as I followed Blackjack through the door into a small, sparsely furnished room. Basalt Breaker lay on a small bed covered by a black and red flannel blanket. She looked up at Blackjack, then looked away ashamed.
I immediately saw the reason why. Eight ampoules of Med-X lay in front of the earth pony, and she had a tourniquet tied around her left foreleg. I let out a slow breath of relief as I realised that none of the doses were empty.
“Please just leave me alone…” Basalt plead, hastily removing the tourniquet from her arm. “I… really just want to be alone right now.”
“Uh huh,” Blackjack said, walking to the side of the bed and levitating an ampoule in front of her nose. “So uh… that gunshot wound bothering you that much?” She asked.
Basalt winced. “I… um.”
“Basalt, you know we both know what you were thinking of doing,” I said gently. “Let’s drop all pretense on that. You want to die. We think it’s a bad idea. So let’s talk about it.”
Basalt looked between Blackjack and I. It almost seemed like she was more afraid of me than she was of my decidedly deadly unicorn friend. Then she looked down at her hooves.
“I can’t do it. I can’t do it without her,” The grey mare sobbed. “Buzz was supposed to be in charge! She was supposed to be the one that fixed all this. After…” She sniffed, rubbing her nose. “After we were free, she was… I was…”
“You were what?” I asked gently. “Going to sweep her off of her hooves?”
“No.”
“You two were going to be together?” Blackjack asked.
Basalt shook her head. “No, it’s not that either… I just…” She trailed off and looked down at her hooves. “I… don’t know actually. I don’t know what I was holding on to. Everything ponies said to me was ‘Basalt, you know Buzz’s barn door don’t swing that way, right?’ I just… I didn’t want to hear it.”
I nodded along with what Basalt was saying. It made sense that she’d be clinging to a lost dream. Even if that dream didn’t have an earth pony’s hope in flying. “Basalt,” I said gently. “What’s stopping you then from living on in her memory? If you can’t be with her, and you couldn’t’ve been with her even if she were here, isn’t the next best thing trying to live up to her legacy?”
Basalt Breaker looked up at me quickly, a confused expression on her face.
Blackjack chuckled dryly. “Did you seriously not listen to the words coming out of your mouth?”
“Do you?” Basalt countered sharply, but a will o'wisp of humour danced in her gunmetal grey eyes.
Blackjack pouted. “Yes! Almost always! Sort of!” She protested, then lightly thumped Basalt in the shoulder. It struck me that the motion drew a smile out of the sombre earth pony, and not the wave of fear.
Basalt chuckled, then let out a rather lengthy sigh. “Okay. I just almost did something really, really stupid, didn’t I?” She asked, looking down at the ampoules of med-x. “What the hell was I thinking?”
“Not to put too fine a point on it, you weren’t thinking. You were feeling. And what you are feeling probably sucks. But the only way for that to stop is to keep moving forward,” I said, hoping that I was bringing a note of reassurance to my voice.
Basalt rewarded me with a small smile. “Right,” She said before flopping back onto her bed. “Goddesses, I don’t know what…” She looked over at Blackjack. “You’re right. I do need to listen to my own damned speech.”
“It was kind of inspiring, yeah,” Blackjack said with an easy smirk. “And Fold could use some help. I know Blue Belle would be out of sorts with trying to get everypony working together.” She paused. “I still can’t believe I’ve met two Blue Belles…”
Basalt looked at me. “What is she talking about?”
I shrugged. “Sometimes with Fish, you don’t know what you’re gonna get. Probably some mare she bedded a while ago.”
Blackjack’s eyes went wide. “Excuse me! I did not sleep with Bluebelle! I’m pretty sure she would have beaten me up if I’d tried!” She said, finishing her spiel with a wink.
“You thought about it, didn’t you.”
“I’m always thinking about it,” Blackjack said with a haughty look, which drew a blush out of me. “That said,” she continued, looking back at Basalt Breaker. “We’re also going to be here for at least a few days, right?” She asked, looking at me. “We can offer our help to rebuild, and support you however you need.”
Basalt slowly nodded, then shook her head. “I don’t know what came over me,” She said, putting a hoof to her forehead. “But… thank you. You’re right. I’ve got more to figure out here in Fold than in the everafter. Plenty of time for that stuff later, right?”
Blackjack and I nodded in agreement with her. “Better to stick around with the living than to let yourself end it all sooner than needed,” I said softly.
Blackjack got up off of the flannel bed sheets, and levitated up the ampoules of Med-X and placed them in her saddlebags. “First, let’s start by getting these down to the clinic. Then let’s figure out what needs done around here to get Fold back to where Buzzsaw would have wanted it.” She said, before giving Basalt a warm smile. “Look, we’re gonna give you a minute to put yourself back together. I need to talk to Threnody a moment outside.”
I blinked as Blackjack trotted around Basalt’s bed and back down the stairs. I gave the earth pony a helpless shrug before following after my friend.
“Is… everything okay, Blackjack?” I asked, bracing for some sort of emotional storm. What I got in response was a look of concern.
“Sooner than needed?” She asked, quirking a brow at me. “What’s that all about? Did you suck out some of those bad vibes from her anyway, Thren?”
I stared at Blackjack, trying to replay the conversation in my head before it hit me. Oh. That… probably was not the best thing to say. “Oh. I… no. I just…” Well, I didn’t know. Why had I said that? “I didn’t mean to say that.” I pinned my ears back. “What I meant was that she didn’t need to kill herself. I-I mean nobody does, um... I’m… not sure what I was thinking when I said that.”
Blackjack didn’t look too convinced. “Well, I’m going to ask Puddle to keep an eye on you too,” She said as Basalt’s hoofsteps sounded from the stairs behind us. “We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
The next few days were a busy blur of helping ponies build walls around the parts of Fold that were still in use, and making safe the sections of the small town that had been damaged in the recent fighting. Everypony also put their backs into it and worked hard to get the mill back up and running. Bubblegum and Glitter were making fast friends with the townsponies as they worked hard to fortify the new wall that was starting to make the town look more like a old-style frontier fort. Basalt spent a lot of her time with Blackjack and Blue Belle as they worked out how to bring back caps as the preferred economy in town. Honestly the effort would have been doomed to failure if Puddle hadn’t serendipitously happened upon what accounted to a small vault of caps squirrelled away in the basement of the hotel the Family had been using up until a few days ago.
On the evening of the fourth day, I found myself blessedly alone in the hotel room I’d been sharing with Puddle. She’d… been giving me space, thankfully, but I could still feel her desire for more from me. That desire terrified me, and I kept feeling like I needed to put a shield up between her and my own feelings. Anything to just… keep her on the other side of the bed. I didn’t feel one hundred percent safe around her, and that kept me from eating a lot.
“Sure it’s just that?” Dealer’s dry, grating voice asked.
I started as the deathly shade materialized in front of me for the first time in several days. “Oh. You. I thought you left cause we’d saved the town. Now what are you going to tell me I did wrong?” I snapped, becoming painfully aware that the only sound I could hear was the dry shuffling of his cards.
“Saved the town did ya?” He asked, his hollow sockets somehow managing to take on a mirthful look. “You sure that’s what you did?” He asked, drawing a card and showing me, yet again, the Fool.
I lay my ears back. “I am pretty sure we did. And with Stable 9 being interested in their lumber, and the possibility of them sending envoys south into the Wasteland means that the caps’ll start flowing again,” I explained. “Somepony once said that trade would save the wasteland.” I paused, thinking on it. “Might have been the Lightbringer in her book.”
Dealer lay the card down in front of me. The image had changed a little bit from the last time I’d seen her. This time the little blonde mare was bouncing on a thundercloud that was striking what looked to be an important building. Again, she bore the expression of ‘I just don’t know what went wrong.’ I quirked an eyebrow at him.
“Why do you keep doing that?” I asked.
Dealer shrugged, going back to shuffling his cards, but leaving the Fool laying upright in front of me. “Maybe cause I like you. Cause you’re stubborn, and like to lie to yourself. Maybe because, despite the fact that I live inside all ya’ll, sometimes it’s interesting to see just what makes a pony tick.” He chuckled dryly. “Blackjack sure was fun to play with. Interestin’ to see just what happens when a spirit touches a pony.” He put a cracked hoof to his dessicated lips. “Whoops, spoke too much!” He said with a disturbing daintiness before breaking out into his horrifying dry cackling.
I poked at the Fool, and started as the card moved away from my hoof at my touch. “That… doesn’t answer my question.”
Dealer didn’t speak, but drew another card and placed it upside down in front of me. It was me, but I was hiding under my duster in the rain. The title read ‘The Hermit’. I quirked an eyebrow quizzically at him, but he shrugged and kept going. “Riddle me this then, Threnody,” He said dryly. “You said that you ain’t had time to eat. Why d’you look so much like me? Not eatin’ for a few days don’t do that to ponies. It’s so funny when mortals think they have themselves fooled.”
I glared at him as he went back to shuffling. “I don’t have a problem.” I snapped. “I’ve just been–”
“Busy? Afraid? Alone?” He asked, leaning forward so that his hot, dry breath washed over my muzzle. “I’ve watched heroes go without food as they try to beat me. Scarcity is one of the staples that keeps me going. Yet here you are, goin’ without when it’s readily available.” He pulled one more card, and again, it was inverted in front of me. The card read The Moon, and Princess Luna and I looked down upon the crescent moon in the sky from the earth. “I’ve seen ponies misbehave. Seen ‘em steal. Seen ‘em kill. Seen ‘em try to do better. Keeps me entertained when they break and do wrong. Makes me remember they try to be good when they don’t. But you,” he said, pointing a broken hoof at me. “You’re a liar.”
I recoiled like I’d been slapped. “How dare you!” I said, flaring out my wings as I swept a hoof across the bed in an attempt to get rid of the dealer’s spread. Disappointingly, my hoof passed through the ghostly cards, causing them to evanesce for a moment before reappearing right where Dealer had let them lay. “What gives you-”
Dealer’s hoof roughly slapped my cheek, and in that moment, I saw images from across the wasteland. Saw atrocities that had happened, that were happening, and that would happen. I saw Blackjack die - torn horribly in half by a tentacled monstrosity as a flaming rock descended from the heavens. I saw a purple alicorn and a green unicorn fighting the ghost of Twilight Sparkle. I saw a green pegasus stallion in chains. All the while, I saw ponies dying, sobbing, gasping for breath as their lifeblood flowed out of them.
Dealer quirked what was left of his eyebrow at me. “Let me tell you a lie, little liar. This one’s a doozy, so you’d best find the truth in it.” He said, watching me as I sat frozen in shock. “Long time ago I was called the Demon of Possibility by the Cervyderians, the Demon Murphy by the Buffalo, and the Spirit of Change by the zebra. So when your great war shattered the world, what do you think happened to all us spirits?” he asked. “Got to start askin’ rather deep and metaphysical questions about the nature of good and evil. Somethin’ came up, and a great bet was made. A bet that mortals weren’t worth savin’.”
He grinned at me. “Odds were pretty steep either way. What side do you think I chose?” He asked, leaning close again. I felt the same crawling, violating feeling that I felt when Puddle or Blackjack got too close. “What side do you think I’m on, little liar? Who do you think I’m putting my chips on?” He asked, drawing a pair of cards. He flipped them over. Blackjack as the Queen of Spades. A ghoul stallion I didn’t recognize – a zebra, I realised later – on the Jack of Clubs. “Which one, little liar?”
I shuddered, then realised he was waiting for me to act. “You… you want me to pick?” I gaped.
“That’s the idea.” he drawled.
I stared between the two cards. Blackjack. Some unknown Zebra ghoul. How was I supposed to choose? I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know what the cards meant!
“Clock is tickin’, Threnody. Choose.” he said, staring me down.
I swallowed and raised my hoof. I didn’t know how to choose which card. Who would Dealer bet on? I suddenly wished I’d learned how to play cards from somepony. “I…” I trailed off, realising something… odd. Blackjack’s card felt hot. “Blackjack.” I said with finality.
The remnants of Dealer’s eyebrows rose before he broke off into another damnable cackle. “Fascinating, little liar. Fascinating! Maybe…” He looked out the window. Odd, I thought, for a spirit to do something so very… mortal. “Little liar, I’ll make a bet with you. If you can go a week without lying, I’ll leave you alone. Hell, I’ll let Blackjack be for a spell!” He smirked at me. “Bet you can’t do that.”
Somewhere deep inside of me, a smaller version of me was screaming about how horrible an idea it was to make wagers with a spectre who referred to himself as ‘the Dealer.’ I raised my left hoof, then pulled it close to my chest. “What happens if I can’t do that?”
“Then you’ve lost the bet,” he said simply. I couldn’t help but feel like there was a consequence slightly more sinister than a simple loss for my failure to meet his challenge. “But if you win, you don’t see me anymore. Poof. Gone from your life.”
I frowned at him. “Are you ever really truly gone?” I asked.
“You mean to say you truly enjoy these conversations, little liar?”
I didn’t. “No. I’d prefer to just–”
“Continue avoiding your life’s troubles and push away your friends?” He asked. “You say you don’t want me to win. So take my bet. What do you think it’ll cost you in the end?”
Did my mortal soul count? “I think, potentially a lot,” I said, looking at his extended hoof. “But… I also have a lot of focus to be gained by you leaving me alone.” I swallowed, feeling like I’d just signed my life away for a Sparkle~Cola Cherry. “I’ll take that bet. One week, no lies.”
Dealer’s hoof connected with mine as we shook on it. “One week, Threnody. One week,” He said before drifting off like dust carried on the wind.
Of course it would be Blackjack that I ran into first. My stomach reminded me, loudly, that no, I hadn’t eaten in about two days, and that I should probably consider doing so. She waved me over to her table in the town’s Saloon, which had been recently renamed. “The Cafe of Timberjack Dreams” now hung on the storefront. I’d spotted the new sign as I made my way there.
“Hey Thren, how’s things? Sorry I haven’t seen much of you. Been kind of busy helping train the earth ponies how to shoot,” She said, patting the bench next to her.
I opened my mouth and hesitated as I answered. “They’ve been… weird.” I admitted, sitting down next to my pale-coated friend. “Like… really weird. ‘I’m not one hundred percent sure how to explain them’ kind of weird.”
Blackjack quirked an eyebrow at me. “Weird huh?” she asked with that odd mix of annoying amusement and muddling concern. “Weird like... with you and Puddle?” She asked.
Well, that was awkward and weird too. I sighed. “Well, that too. I… argh. Everything is weird.”
More amusement. Less concern. “Thren, I’ve got like... um... whatever a professor of weird would be. Weird doctorate. Travel with Blackjack. Embrace the wilder, weirder world!” She quipped with a grin, spreading her hooves wide. I lay my ears back as I looked at her, and thankfully she got the hint, so she lightly patted my shoulder. I didn’t flinch. “In all seriousness though, do you need to talk about it?” She asked.
“Yes!” I blurted out before I could stop myself. Okay. Maybe this whole not lying thing wasn’t so bad. I could totally do this. “Cause I have no idea what I’m doing, I think I just made a bet with something way bigger than me and I don’t even know what the stakes are! Oh! And let’s not forget that I just dragged my client and my friends into a fight that wasn’t ours!” I slammed my forehead down onto the table. It hurt, but somehow it made me feel a little better about my own stupid.
“Yup. That’s about right,” she said with a nod, rubbing her chin with a hoof.
I groaned softly, then lifted my head. “Did Dealer ever make a bet with you?” I asked, rubbing my forehead.
“A bet?” That got a curious brow arch from her. “Not so much. He liked to ramble on about responsibility and who was to blame for everyone blowing up the world. About half the time the answer was ‘ministry mares’ and the other was ‘Goldenblood’ slash ‘Luna.’ But no, he didn’t make bets with me. Why?” She paused and her smile disappeared. “Wait. He’s the thing you made a bet with?”
I let out a frustrated grumble as the smile ran away from Blackjack’s face. “I… yeah,” I admitted. “He’s been… showing me groups of cards. But they aren’t like, normal playing cards. These ones have names on them, and they always show images of… stuff. It’s weird. But he bet me that I couldn’t go a week without lying. He said if I could, though, that he’d leave me and you alone for a while.” I paused, then shook my head. “He never told me what happened if I failed.” Which, in retrospect, was beginning to feel like a rather large lapse in judgement on my part.
“Uh-huh...” She murmured, rubbing her chin. She hmm’ed and ahhh’ed for what felt like a minute, adopting various thinky poses before giving a firm nod. “Yup. That’s some grade A weird right there.”
“Blackjack!” I snapped.
Her familiar smirk returned. “What! I never promised I could help with your weird. Just that I’ve been through a lot of it, myself.” She took a deep breath. “Personally, Dealer did the same card thing with me twice. Once, a week or so after leaving 99, and the other a few minutes before facing the Eater of souls. It was different than the lecture-y Dealer, who I think was Echo. That Dealer was... how to put it? A lot more primal. A lot scarier. He made me admit something I didn’t want to admit, ever. That my fortune came at the expense of others. That I was responsible for other people dying, even if that wasn’t my intent. Even if it was the exact opposite if what I wanted.” She considered me for several seconds. “I can only assume that he’s dicking with you because he’s either trying to make a point, make you miserable, or both.” She paused. “Have you been lying a lot recently?”
I didn’t want to lose the bet fifteen minutes into the week. “I… yes.” I said, grimacing as the admission flew from my mouth. “As for why he’s doing it, both reasons - to prove a point and make me miserable - seems likely. I…” I skewed an ear to the side as I tried to come up with how to explain what I’d seen. “He said, he used to be called something else by the zebra and the Cervyderians. And… he told me that after the war, he’d made a bet with… well, I don’t honestly don’t know what, but the bet was about the fate of mortals. Whether or not we were worth saving. He showed me two cards - one with you on it, and one with a zebra ghoul I didn’t recognize - and asked me to pick which one of the two he bet on. He laughed when I picked you, and then… said he bet that I couldn’t go a week without lying.”
I realised, as I was spewing my explanation to Blackjack that I was talking rapidly so that she couldn’t stop and ask me questions. It wasn’t lying, per se, but it did get me out of having to explain myself on things that I really didn’t feel like explaining. Then her horn glowed, and I felt my mouth pinched shut as she cock her head.
“Okay. So I have absolutely no idea what any of that means, whatsoever. That’s a kind of weird way above my pay grade. I’m guessing the other zebra was the Legate. I guess he counted as a ghoul of sorts. However, I have something much more important to ask you.” She said as she leaned in, her face serious as she contemplated me gravely. “Do you still want to have lots of really great sex with me, Threnody?” she asked as the magic force disappeared.
Goddess Luna shove her horn up your ass, Blackjack! I squirmed in my seat as her stupid, smirking face closed the distance between us just slightly. “I don’t know I am not sure maybe sex is scary to me this is weird please stop asking!” I quickly rattled off before covering my mouth with a hoof.
“You’re really cute when you blush like that,” she replied, leaning back, that smile steady. “So, first thing. Don’t tell anyone else that you can only tell the truth, kiddo. Because there’s questions a lot worse than that. Like ‘Do you love me?’. Let’s keep this between you and me. Secondly, if he didn’t say there was a price to be paid, then the odds are if you blow it that he just keeps doing what he’s been doing, which so far doesn’t seem all that important. I mean, yeah, weird cards are annoying, but they’re not life or death. But if you can pull if off... well, one of the Ministry mare’s thing was honesty, so it can’t be all that bad right?”
I sighed, then nodded. “Well, aside from the fact that I know you’re going to ask me weird questions whenever we’re alone. But… I will keep this to myself. I mean, it’s not like I’m not quiet all the time anyways.” I admitted, trying to distract myself by looking up at the menu. “Also I should maybe eat something.”
“Yeah. Food is good. Booze is good. Sex is good. Life is good. Good is good. The wisdom of Blackjack,” she said as she leaned back again.
I ignored her relaxed state a moment to order a small meal from the pony manning the bar, then turned back to her. “You… actually took that a lot better than I thought you would,” I admitted.
“Oh?” she said, folding her forehooves in front of her chest. It was an odd posture, to be sure. “How did you think I’d take it?”
“I thought you’d tell me I was a dumb pony and that I was stupid for talking to weird ghost ponies with playing card decks. Or you’d get real concerned and basically disturb my calm for the next week.”
Then she reached across and touched a hoof to my cheek, her red eyes gazing deep into me. The genuine tenderness I felt from her very quickly overrode my initial ‘panic and run’ response that tended to burn within me at any physical contact. “Thren. I will never call you a dumb pony. Or stupid. Never,” she said quietly, loud enough for only me to hear. Then she smiled and withdrew her hoof. “As for talking to ghosts, being in over your head, and crazy with worry... that’s life. You’re dealing with it. You might not think you’re doing a great job, but you are. You’re dealing with shit that might actually be weirder than I’ve had to tackle. That’s impressive. I know you probably don’t see it, but you’ve matured a lot the last few weeks.”
I stared at her, dumbfounded for a long moment. Without realising it, I’d raised my hoof to touch the cheek where she’d touched me, and it struck me that with that light touch and encouraging words… Blackjack had just given me the most praise I’d ever received in my life. I almost forgot to pay the poor waiter pony before shaking myself out of my little funk.
“I… you’re not my mom,” I said softly, barely loud enough for me to hear it, but loud enough that if she was listening, Blackjack could parse it out.
“Thanks. I’m going to have words when I meet her. Not bullets, but words,” she said quietly. “I’d rather be your cool older sister. Or cousin, maybe.” She paused and frowned. “Wait, that’d make it incest. Nevermind. Friend is good. Friends are good. Even when they follow you when they probably shouldn’t.”
I chewed a bite of my sandwich for a moment, then gave her a small smile. “Blackjack, you kind of followed me this time, not the other way around.” I wasn’t sure if it made that big of a difference, but it seemed important somehow.
“It means I know what it’s like to be worried about the people I love being in harm’s way, and thinking that they shouldn’t be there when they don’t want to be anywhere else,” Blackjack said with that smile... that happy, sad, wistful smile that came with too many emotions for me to ever follow. “You’ll do fine, Threnody. Even if things go bad. Friends are good. Good is good. You can never get enough good in your life. Don’t beat yourself up over it, even if you can’t do anything but... because you care about your friends.”
I stopped chewing and looked down at my plate. I did care about my friends. I did want them to be safe. They were irreplaceable! I, on the other hoof, was entirely replaceable, and I was sure they could move on without me, but ultimately I did care about my friends!
‘Is that a lie, Threnody?’ Dealer rasped in my ear.
“Oh what the fuck!?” I exclaimed, looking around for him, and probably looking like a crazy filly in the process. I looked at Blackjack. “Did you hear that?”
“Well, kinda hard not to.” She screwed up a face, baffled. Oh, yeah. ‘What the fuck’ was not something you said to ‘you care about your friends’.
“No! No. No...” I muttered, flushing and kicking myself for being a complete idiot. Was what a lie? I hadn’t said anything! What, was he going to police my thoughts now too? ...Was I imagining that dry chuckle and shuffling of cards? “Blackjack,” I murmured, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “Do you think I’m... um...” I bit my bottom lip, the word sticking in my throat before I glanced at her and murmured, “replaceable?”
That baffled look intensified. “No. Of course not. You’re the sanest person in our group. I mean... maybe Puddle has you beat. I haven’t really had a chance to measure her craziness yet. But no. Goddesses no.” She gave a crooked smile. “Do you have any idea how messed up we’d be without you, Thren?”
Afraid of hearing more creepy whispers, I answered honestly. “I… I don’t know. I mean, you and Bubblegum and Glitter all sort of have things handled in a fight. I’m… just here to make bad decisions. And try to fix your hurts when everything goes sideways.” I let my ears droop as my honesty brought me to a thought that I’d been trying to avoid. “I mean… I know you are all my friends, but… will you even need me anymore once you’re all better and Glitter and Bubblegum have foals or something?”
She leaned forward and gently held my cheeks in her hooves. “Thren... I will never be all better. Never. I’m good right now. I’m good with you. Without you, I wouldn’t be good. Without you, I’d either be dead, numb drunk, or butchering anyone that looked at me funny. And there is more to living than fighting. We’re happy because we’re along with you on your adventure. You make this worthwhile. Without you...” her face slipped and she sighed. “I dunno. I’d probably go back to the Hoof, Slate, and Star House. Or just blow my head off for getting you killed. Bubblegum and Glitter might be okay, but Bubblegum’s just begging to be added to some mare raider warlord’s studfarm and Glitter... well... she’s a kid. Losing you would be like losing her mom again. We need you, Thren. We love you. Because you’re a pony worth loving.”
Tears welled up in my eyes and ran hotly down my cheeks. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe there was more to me than just being a heartmender. Maybe I was more to my friends than just… just some silly filly they could talk to who’d help them feel better about their hurts and then be discarded like a bloodstained dressing. The hardest part of working with Blackjack for me had been the fact that she didn’t get better after a few sessions and decided to move on with her life. She was a patient who stuck around. But… not because of what I offered. Because of who I was.
I lunged forward and wrapped my forelegs around her barrel, pressing my wet cheek into her chest. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought you and Glitter and Bubblegum just wanted to be around so I could fix you all and then you’d leave me!” I sobbed.
“Silly pony,” she murmured as she held me firmly and let me vent my fear and frustration, her hoof gently stroking my mane. “I’m pretty sure you’ll be sick of me in another three months, but in the meantime, you’re stuck with us. All of us. Because we’re friends, and that’s what friends do.”
I swallowed hard, trying to get my tears to stop. “I won’t be sick of you, Blackjack,” I stammered. And I meant it. As I let myself be a sobbing mess in her strong embrace, I realised that maybe Dealer was right. I was lying to myself. I was lying to myself a lot. And to my friends because telling those lies was easier than dealing with just how hurt I felt. Hurt about getting moved around. About my mom. About the Mayor.
Maybe I wasn’t just some tool that was to be discarded later. Maybe my friends meant more to me than their problems. Deep down, I knew Blackjack was right. She probably wouldn’t ever be one hundred percent better. But maybe I could help her be just a little different. Glitter would always probably be a bit of a foal at heart, but that didn’t mean she’d leave me just because suddenly she realised she was interested in boys.
And while I didn’t know what I felt about Bubblegum, the stallion was sticking around for one reason or another. And so far, he was the only pony who would regularly call me on my stuff. Not even my fellow heartmenders did that.
I relaxed, and curled myself slightly closer to Blackjack. “You’re right.” I said softly. “I’m… I’m so sorry that I’ve been treating you all badly because… because I thought I wasn’t worth anything to you. That’s… I need to stop thinking like that.” I said softly, letting my cheek rest on her chest.
“Yeah,” she murmured in my ear. “But it’s not easy. Heck, some days I still think I’m not a smart pony.” She chuckled, “I’m not, by the way, but I’m not a dumb one either. Not as dumb as I thought I was.” She lifted my chin to gaze into my eyes. “We struggle to see our own muzzle, even when it’s right before our eyes.”
I nodded, thinking on that a moment. “Um, Blackjack?” I asked, realizing I had a kind of weird question for her. “Are you okay… I mean… um… Is it okay if I occasionally ask you for advice and stuff?”
“You can ask me for anything, Thren. I might not be very helpful, but I’ll try,” she replied. “As for okay... I’m better than I was, and that’s good. Maybe someday I will be okay. A part of me wants to kiss you, and a part of me feels like I’m betraying ponies I love if I do. So... yeah.” She gave a hapless struggle and a little shrug. “What a pair we are, eh?”
I wiped some of the wetness from my cheeks and nodded. “We’re kind of an odd couple. But… that’s good to know. I always thought it might be weird for–” I paused, realising that what I was about to say no longer applied. Blackjack and I weren’t really heartmender and heartmendee anymore. Not really. And I was okay with that. Somehow that made things just a little easier, and broke down just a few more walls for me. Not many, but a few.
“I was gonna say heartmenders and heartmendees but uh, if we went by that relationship I’m pretty sure that Heartshine would fire me. B-but er…” I paused, then shook my head. “That said, something my momma always muttered about unicorns and fliers keeps ringing in my head, but somehow I don’t think you meant that kind of pair.” I said, sticking my tongue out at her.
She stuck out her own tongue in response. This would have been fine had we not been practically muzzle to muzzle and I felt hers brush mine with an electric sort of sensation. Her red eyes popped wide and she sucked hers back in at once. To my amazement, she was actually blushing! I hadn’t thought she could blush! “Ah... um... sorry.”
My brain was still trying to process the sensation, and I realised that my face too was probably redder than a box of Big Mac and Cheese. “I… uh… um… it’s okay. I er…” I awkwardly folded myself out of her embrace. She was a little embarrassed, I was a little embarrassed… I looked around and realised that the few ponies that were in the saloon were staring at us. I put on the most awkward smile imaginable, and coughed into my hoof. “M-maybe we should um, go. Do things. Things we need to do, right Fish?” I said, feeling the weight of everypony’s stares on my small frame.
“Right. Things. The thingy things that we do, thing,” she answered.
“Like each other?” the waiter commented, his chin propped up on his hoof as he watched both of us like we were a mildly entertaining pre-war soap opera.
I took in a long breath through my nostrils then let it out. “Er… right… about that. Something something Blackjack we should go before I feel compelled to say anything.” I said, grabbing her hoof and tugging her toward the door.
Solidarity caught Blackjack and I as we left the saloon. “Hey, Fish, you got a minute?” He called, raising up his right foreleg, the one with his pipbuck on it. “I got in touch with Stable 9, and they said that somepony had been trying to reach you on the broadcaster. I got their frequency.”
Blackjack blinked a moment. “Did they give you a name?”
Solidarity nodded. “Yeah, some mare named Sandalwood? I guess she and her boyfriend or somethin’ are comin’ up this way now that Fold’s not chock full of Family goons.”
I felt my face flush. “W-wait, Sandalwood and Slate are coming here?”
“Sweet!” Blackjack laughed, then faced me. “So... do you want to wait around for the job review when they get here, or should we get the others and book it?”
“Job review?” Solidarity asked, looking confused. “Wait, what, you know this mare?”
“She’s my, er… boss. In the Followers of the Apocalypse? Remember how I sort of mentioned that a day or so ago?” I asked, referencing a meeting that Solidarity, Basalt, and I had in which we’d discussed letting the Followers come up to Fold to set up a clinic. “I…” I looked at Blackjack. “I am so fired.”
“So what? Does that really change anything?” she asked as she took a seat, cocking her head.
I opened my mouth, then closed it. “I.. no. But-”
“But you really don’t want to let down Sandalwood, Slate, Velvet, Heartshine, or Fluttershy,”she answered. “Right?”
I gave Blackjack an exasperated look. “Well, no, but I also…” I frowned, then closed my eyes. “I kind of want to see Sandalwood again. Or do you not want us to get caught up with her and Slate?”
She gazed into my eyes with a smile. “Where you go, I go,” she answered, then rolled her eyes. “I just know that they’re going to be all,” and she adopted Sandalwood’s higher register, “Oh, Goodness Threnody! How could you take her out of the Hoof!? This was the worse thing EVAR!’ and then you’ll be all,” and she took a somewhat unflattering whine, “Oh Sandalwood! I am sooooooo sorry. A thousand times sorry. A million times sorry.’ and then she’ll be all ‘Go back to the Hoof, right now’ and you’ll be all ‘But I don’t wanna!’ and then I’ll have to be all cool and go,” and she gave me a lazy grin. “Hey, Sandalwood. She’s not going where she doesn’t want to go.’ and then she’ll be all, ‘Worst thing EVAR! How can I do my reports now? Shame! Shame!’ and you’ll go ‘Waaaaah!’ and then everything will explode.”
“How’d she do all that in one breath?” Solidarity murmured, looking extremely nonplussed.
I felt my ears drooping lower and lower as Blackjack continued her tirade. “You… think it’ll be that bad?” I asked, worry setting in. “I just… I thought maybe if we saw them again, we could just say hi and then go with Solidarity and Puddle back to Stable 9 for a bit.” Was Blackjack right? Was not waiting to meet them a bad idea?
She took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. “They’re just like my mom was, sure that they know what’s best. You and me skipping out of the Hoof sure didn’t make them happy. They’ll probably see you as a kid and me a mental case.” Then she raised a hoof. “But! When they see you’re okay, and when they see I’m better, and when we make it clear that it doesn’t matter what they think we should do, then they’ll be okay with it. Because they’re just like my mom was, and the one thing she wanted more than anything was for me to grow up.” She looked away to the east. “I’m sorry she never got to see that.”
I paused a moment as Blackjack started talking about her mom. “Wait… I… well…” I frowned. “I’m… I understand where you’re coming from with your mom. But… Sandalwood isn’t my mom. She’s just…” I froze as a thought hit me. “Well… the first mare that actually tried to look out for me. And… Slate too, I guess…” I looked down at my hooves. Actually, I really wanted to see Slate.
“Okay,” she said with a shrug, looking at Solidarity. “Did they say when they were coming?”
Solidarity nodded. “Said they were a day’s travel out. Just wanted to check in with you to make sure that the little one didn’t get herself killed,” He said, looking at Blackjack.
I wasn’t sure if I should be offended or pleased that they cared. Probably the latter. “I can talk to them if you don’t want to, Blackjack. But… I really think we should… at least let them know we’re okay. And then…” I felt my chest tighten even as I said it. “Tell them that they aren’t our parents and we can do what we want.”
Blackjack crossed her forehooves, tilting her head back and closing her eyes as she pursed her lips. “Well, last time they saw me I was a basket case a hair’s breadth from suicide or homicide, banging Slate hourly and sucking down booze by the gallon.” She opened one eye, glancing at the now disturbed Solidarity, “Fun story.” Then she looked at me and resumed a normal posture. “Okay. I guess I should see my shrinks again. Check in and all that.” She then smiled and put a hoof to my shoulder. “You’re not my shrink. You’re my friend, Thren.”
“I mean, we could tell them that I’m still your shrink and that you prefer me to anypony else.” I paused, realising that was a lie. “Or maybe you could tell them that, and I’ll just nod along while thinking about how much I like cherry Sparkle~Cola or something.” That would totally override the lying thing, right?
“Thren... if I lie for you, that’s not being honest,” she admonished gently, then lifted my chin. “If I’m going to lie, just imagine what I say when Sandalwood asks if we’re having sex or not.” Oh, look. Evil Blackjack grin. Of course she was saving it for when it mattered most!
“Why would you do this to me?” I asked, sounding as wounded as I could muster. I knew why she was doing this. I didn’t like that I knew why she was doing this to me.
Solidarity coughed and gave me a quizzical look. “I thought you’d smooched Puddle Splasher. Somethin’ happen there I should know about?” He asked.
“N-no! I… She’s… no. It’s complicated.” I admitted honestly. Oh goddesses Puddle. And Blackjack. What was I doing?
“I have that kind of effect,” Blackjack replied with a shrug. She looked at me and added in a softer voice, “Some day I would like to have a conversation with Puddle. And you.” She said as she touched my cheek with a momentary, tender caress. Then she grinned, “But that’s not today! Today I have to contemplate exactly how I’m going to mess with Sandalwood when she shows up. I’ve missed that anal retentive mare.”
I smirked at her. “Well, you could ask her if she and Slate have gotten together finally,” I mused. “Cause I know he’d answer you truthfully, but I’m pretty sure she’d crack her horn.”
With that, Solidarity started trotting away from us. “Just… find me when you’re ready to talk to them, girls,” He said with a wave of his hoof as he limped off, leaving me alone with Blackjack. Oh dear...
She gave a little laugh. “Okay. What was that about you saying I’d matured?” she said as she looked back at me. “Glad you have though. You’re a different mare than the one that asked me to bed back at that lodge. A little more thoughtful. A lot more honest.”
I frowned. I wasn’t sure I was more thoughtful. It wasn’t until this afternoon that it’d even dawned on me that I might actually be worth something to my friends, and them me! Well, no, that wasn’t quite right. It was how I looked at my friends that had changed. I… wasn’t just the healer. The friendship wasn’t just about what I could do for them. It was about what we did together or for each other. “I don’t know if I’ve grown that much, Blackjack.” I admitted, a blush colouring my cheeks at the mention of that night in Three Rivers. “But… I’m trying to be different. Not better, but different.”
“Well, if you asked me now, my answer would be ‘different’ too,” she said with that sure smile that came with a wave of buttery affection.
I felt my hind legs wiggle a little bit, but that stopped as a wave of fear shot through me. No. Argh, yet again, I had put myself into a spot where somepony was going to get hurt!
“I… um… that’s… good to know, Blackjack. I um… oh dear…” I whimpered softly.
She leaned in and kissed my cheek softly. “Actually, I should really go talk with Puddle. Just have a little chat,” she said as she pulled away and started walking. Somehow the thought of her having a chat with Puddle without me was just as terrifying, so I bolted after her.
“Wait! No! Blackjack! That’s not funny!” I called out after her. “Blackjack… this… this falls under things I don’t know what to do with and actively scares me!”
She paused and looked evenly at me. “Thren, do you trust me?”
I stopped as her question hit me like a rogue wave. Did I trust her? With my life? Yes. Implicitly. But in bed… I didn’t trust anypony. In fact, the more we talked about stuff like kisses and nuzzles and what came after page two in Blackjack’s Book of Fun things for Adult Ponies, the more uncomfortable and scared I got. The less I wanted to be around anypony at all in that way. The more that electric contact of our tongues earlier changed from a fun little spark to a painful shock.
“Yes but…” I started and trailed off, trying to be as honest as possible. “I trust you with my life. I trust that you’d keep me safe. I trust that you wouldn’t want to hurt me.” I admitted slowly. “B-but the thought of anypony touching me… th-that way…” I started to shake, and my mouth decide it didn’t need to move.
She reached out a hoof and brushed my mane out of my face. “Thren. Do you want to go your whole life never touched ‘that way’? Seriously? Because if you don’t... I won’t. You’re not Glory... and I’m not the same mare that screwed up with her.” She gave a tiny smile. “I’ll still tease you, but I’ll never go farther than that. Is that what you want? Because I care a lot for you. More than I ever thought I would. So tell me, honestly, what you want.”
I felt a trickle of blood start to run down my right ear as I tried to unpack the sordid mess of emotions that I felt around the subject. I was so scared to touch to be touched and to feel other ponies near me that I hid away from it. But at the same time, I had a desperate longing for closeness. For affection. To be wanted. I didn’t know if that wanting included to be physically desired, but… to be somepony’s something… I didn’t know. I had spent so long hiding, crying, running from any and all feelings related to physical intimacy that I wasn’t sure I could handle it. I wasn’t sure I wanted it. I wasn’t sure I should want it.
I looked up at her helplessly. “I don’t know, Blackjack,” I said, feeling the hot line running down the side of my head as a few tears made their way down my cheeks. “I honestly don’t know right now. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry…”
She touched her horn to the side of my head and let out the best healing magic she could summon, barely alleviating the sting. “You have nothing to be sorry about. It wasn’t a yes or a no. It was a ‘I’ll decide later.’ And that’s fair too.” She levitated a cloth, gently cleaning me up. “Now, I really need a chat with Puddle. Mare to mare. Just so we understand each other. You can be there if you want, or not. Up to you.”
I let out a long breath of relief. It… hadn’t solved my problem of what to do about Puddle. It didn’t resolve my confusing feelings about Blackjack. But… at least admitting that made things a little bit different. Like Blackjack understood me a little better. And the way that she said ‘I’ll decide later’ came across… differently than her normal blase ‘no means ask me later’ response. She meant it, and that made her feel that much safer to me.
I still didn’t want her tongue under my tail, but she at least felt safer.
“I think I’ll let the two of you talk. I… I still need to figure out how I feel about her,” I said honestly. “I…” I blushed, embarrassed. “She was right there and it seemed like a good idea at the time…”
“Maybe it was a good idea,” she replied with a smile, turned, and trotted off.
I wasn’t sure it was. I didn’t know Puddle very well, and here I’d tossed myself and all of my shattered mess of a self on some poor unsuspecting pony. Did she really deserve that? Probably not. But then my mind went back to how nice it had felt to just be near her, and how earlier, when Blackjack touched my cheek, I hadn’t flinched.
I wasn’t sure it was a good idea. But the experience had been different from what I’d been doing before, and maybe, just maybe, that was what I needed to think about. Instead of getting wrapped up in my own bit of self loathing.
I shook my head as I watched Blackjack’s rear disappear around an alleyway, and I stood to go find Solidarity so I could face the music with Sandalwood.
My conversation with Sandalwood was mercifully short. She and Slate were nearing Three Rivers, and she just wanted me to make sure I was okay. It was kind of awkward assuring her that I was, and that yes, I knew we needed to talk when she made it to Fold. All told, however, it was very nice to hear from the neurotic unicorn again.
“Hey Threnody? Got a minute?” Bubblegum called out to me as I made my way back to the motel.
I looked up to see the big earth pony calling down from the window of one of the upper floors. I immediately wished my wing wasn’t still actively protesting my movement of it. “Yeah! What’s up, Bubblegum?”
Bubblegum’s head moved slightly to the side as Glitter Bomb somehow managed to squeeze herself beneath him. “I found a thingy on the calculator!” She said, smiling down at me. I watched as Bubblegum quickly moved his head to get out of the way of her long horn.
“Uh… on what computer, Glitter?” I asked, genuinely confused. As far as I knew, the Family hadn’t left any terminals behind, and Fold had never had any ponies with the technical skills to use one.
I watched Bubblegum’s hoof pull Glitter out of the open window, only for him to take her place. “We’re up in Peculiar’s old room. You’re… really gonna want to see this.”
Hearing the demented stallion’s name set my teeth to grinding. I really, really would have liked to be anywhere else than his room. In fact, my room and the bathtub sounded much better. And warmer. And safer than going into Creepy McCreeperson’s personal horror show of a room. Even the earth pony who ran the motel hadn’t bothered going in there.
“Yeah, I’ll… be right up,” I said with a heavy sigh. Bubblegum gave me a concerned, if sympathetic look, then ducked back inside the hotel room.
I trotted into the hotel, and gave Room Service, the manager, a wave before scooting up the two flights of stairs to the third floor. I steadied my breathing as I headed into the hallway where I’d nearly died. Room Service had done a good job cleaning up the blood from the fight that had literally saved my life, as well as Basalt’s. However, I couldn’t shake the image of the unicorn mare’s decapitated head staring lifelessly at me as I felt the final moments of her consciousness melt away.
My stomach lurched slightly, and I had to brace myself against the wall as I tried to get that scene out of my head.
“Threnody? You alright?” Bubblegum’s concerned voice called from down the hallway.
Argh. No lying. “No. No I am not,” I admitted. “I really, really don’t like being in this hallway. Several things happened here that I’d rather forget.”
The periwinkle stallion blinked at me for a moment, before trotting over to my side. “Hey, just… keep with me,” he said, trying to sound reassuring as he walked me the few final metres into Peculiar’s room. I braced myself for the chaotic horrors that lay within…
And was met by a rather refreshing change. Somepony had changed all of the chaotic, swirling, disorienting colours to purple. I stopped as I looked up at the mobiles and at the art on the walls. Somehow it was easier to look at when it was all one solid colour.
“Did you change the decor, Glitter?” I asked, mirth tugging up the corners of my mouth.
Glitter nodded vigorously from on the other side of Peculiar’s bed. “Yeah. It was too scary to be in here with all the weird things. The colours were giving me a horn ache.” She said, looking and feeling very distressed. “So I used a colour change spell on the whole room.” Her happiness with the change seemed to make the place just a little brighter, and just a little less scary.
“It’s… much better, Glitter. You did a wonderful job,” I said with a big smile for her. “Now… what did you want to show me? I didn’t think there was a terminal in here.”
Glitter waved me over with her wing. Oh Luna. No wonder we’d missed it. Recessed into the wall was a cloud terminal. How and why something that should have been Enclave technology came to be in the room, I’d never know. And quite honestly, at that point I was afraid to ask.
Bubblegum trotted up behind us as I stared at the cloudformed computer. “Yeah, weird,” he said, voicing what all of us were thinking. “He must have gone through a lot to be able to use that. Cause unicorns need a spell to be able to interact with clouds, right?”
Glitter and I shrugged. “Uh, that’s a Blackjack question,” I said, tapping at the unlocked terminal, bringing its screen back up. “Wait… what is this?” I asked, as several hundred file trees opened up.
Glitter shuffled slightly beside me. “The password was Curiosity. I don’t know why he made it that, but it made it kinda easy to guess on the first try,” She said quietly.
“Wait, you got in on the first try?!” I asked, ignoring the mystery in front of me for a moment.
Glitter nodded enthusiastically. “Yeppers! And it was super simple once I saw the choices. I mean really. Who would ever use Parsnip as a password? That’s just silly!”
Bubblegum and I exchanged shrugs. “Well, that’s… really awesome that you were able to get into this… whatever it is,” I said, selecting the first file labelled subject e0241. It brought up a series of thirty one pairs of random letters, and an X and a Y. The file noted that there were links to e1435(f) and e5901(m). Wait. Thirty two pairs of random letters with…
“Oh my Celestia, this is the results of the blood tests!” I exclaimed, turning around excitedly as I figured it out.
Bubblegum and Glitter Bomb exchanged knowing looks. “Okay, I owe you 10 caps and a snack cake,” Bubblegum said as he started to dig through his saddlebags.
I felt like I’d missed a joke. “What?”
Glitter giggled before giving me a hug. “I figured you’d know what the silly things meant. I bet Bubblegum that you’d think we didn’t know what the alphabeticals were for.”
I laid my ears back in frustration and gave Glitter a grumpy look. “W-well.. I…” Of course, I should have known better. Bubblegum was… well, Bubblegum, and Glitter had a degree of serendipity to her that meant that she likely could have figured it out. Not to mention the fact that she spent time with Caledonia and Dry Clean Only when the pair was at the Fluttershy medical centre. I logged that away as another bad thought loop that I was getting myself into that needed correction: consistently underestimating my friends.
“Yet again thought you were the only one with a brain?” Bubblegum asked, giving me a smirk. If he weren’t so cute I’d use my hoof to wipe it off his stupid gorgeous face. “We figured it out pretty quickly, once we saw the Xs and Ys,” He explained. “But why don’t you show her the interesting ones?”
Glitter nodded, then used her wing to back the file menu up. The files split off into four categories, labelled E, U, A, and P. Glitter opened A first. “I wanted you to see mine first!” She said, letting the letters scroll along the page. At the bottom, the relations were labelled ‘unknown’, which made sense. We were fairly certain that Glitter was the first alicorn that the Family had gotten genetic data on.
“Okay, well… I am sorry that they didn’t have anything that linked you to your family, Glitter,” I said, my ears drooping slightly.
“Oh, it’s okay. I didn’t think they’d find anything!” She said, her positive mood never diminishing. “But look here!”
She pulled back and selected the P file. A single file showed up. P8472. Of course I was the only pegasus in their registry. Or at least, the only one from Fold. But as Glitter opened the file, I noticed something odd at the bottom. The top field said unknown U(f). I figured that was my mom. Which again made sense, I couldn’t think of any reason for them to–
I froze as I looked one line lower. My heart thudded in my chest. No. No way. There was no way they had anything like that!
Adding to the list of the sick jokes the universe had played on me recently, the line for the father was filled in.
Positive match to Subject of Record. Contact Records for comparison to p0989(m). 32 alleles in common.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I shouted, pushing myself away from the terminal.
I didn’t understand. I was nopony. My mom had just been some dumb trollop from Friendship City who got herself knocked up. There was absolutely no logical explanation for this that I could come up with. Glitter lay a wing over my back as I stared at the accursed screen.
How the hell did the Family have information on my dad?
“At the end of the day, I didn’t know what love was. It was a word, a phrase, a tangle of feelings that honestly made no sense at all. It was the quiet things that couples did. It was the thing that other fillies and colts talked about getting from their parents. But it was never for me. When I first heard the words ‘I love you’, my first reaction was abject horror. The words weren’t directed at me, so that wasn’t the source of my fright. But rather, it was that, despite my vocabulary and capability to express myself in so many pulchritudinous words...
...I couldn't for the life of me fathom what those three words meant”
I couldn’t sleep.
I found Blackjack and Puddle in our shared hotel room several long hours earlier, and she had explained that Basalt hadn’t exactly wanted her around tonight. But for once she was loath to explain why. Though when I asked for clarification, she and Puddle exchanged glances and started giggling, so I assumed it was something related to things only debased minds like Blackjack and the not-so-innocent Puddle would find amusing.
Which meant she was sharing the room with us. That was fine. Honestly, I tended to feel a little safer when she was around. But… tonight it just… bothered me. I rolled off of the corner of the bed that I’d been curled up on, and shook my head as I glanced over at Puddle and Blackjack. The petite earth pony was nestled up in the crook of Blackjack’s foreleg, pressing the older mare toward the edge of the bed.
The sight didn’t make me jealous. Not really. If anything it just made me feel more alone. Sure, there were a few other emotions floating around my heart, but at the moment, I really couldn’t be bothered to sort them out. I just battened down the hatches, settled in for a stormy mood, and slipped from the room out of that still-broken window. Room Service really needs to get that fixed, I thought as I tested my wing. I couldn’t fly far on it, but it gave me an excuse to practice gliding before I lighted onto the packed dirt below. I stumbled on the landing, making the mistake of setting my left hoof down first. Okay. Yes, that still smarts when you do that, Threnody. You big dummy.
Fold at night was eerily quiet. The wasteland wasn’t exactly the most cacophonous place in the universe, what with much of the life in Equestria killed off when the bombs fell, but even back in Junction City, there was always a little bit of activity.
But the mills were silent, and the guards more silent still. No voices or gaudy music echoed from the newly renamed Cafe of Timberjack Dreams. The lights were on, but the place was mute. I shook myself, flicked my ear, and realised, for once, it was just damned quiet.
The subdued crunching of gravel behind me startled me out of my thoughts. I turned, only to find Solidarity trotting around the corner.
“Evenin’,” he drawled, levitating a pack of Marelboro cigarettes out of his saddlebags. “Or is it mornin’?” He struck a match against the brick wall of the motel, giving me a moment to marvel at the manual dexterity of his magic.
“I’m… not really sure,” I admitted. “I think the clock read about 3am when I slipped out to walk.”
Solidarity grunted, then looked down at his pipbuck. “Ah. Yep. Three o’nine in the mornin’,” He took a long drag then politely blew it up and away from me. “I know what the hells I’m doing awake at this hour. Now, how ‘bout you?” He asked, seating himself on his haunches so he could lean his back against the wall.
I joined him. “I can’t sleep. Bubblegum and Glitter found some stuff in Peculiar’s computer that’s… kinda thrown me for a loop,” I murmured. “Now it’s got me thinking about what I’m going to do next.”
Solidarity said nothing, but took another long drag and blew it out. “Gonna fill me in or leave it at that?” He looked down at me as I quirked a brow at him. “Filly, I have two daughters. One of ‘em here with me, and one back home. Don’t take a father’s intuition to know you’re troubled something fierce.”
Well, that was the understatement of the century. “I… well, oddly enough it has to do with my– my... dad,” I said, as a chiding voice helpfully reminded me to not lie. “Apparently the Family knows who he is. Peculiar had my blood sample logged on his computer, and the female parent was an unknown unicorn. However, it said they had a match for a male pegasus parent. I figured that the pegasus sample they got from Fold couldn’t be Hyacinth because, well, you’re a unicorn. That leaves me as the only other pegasus in town, and I… don’t know how to feel about the Family knowing who my dad is.”
Solidarity sat in silence for a moment, before nodding. “Take it from the way you put things that you ain’t exactly sure who your daddy is.”
I shook my head. “No. My mom was whoring on the side to make ends meet for herself while she worked in Friendship City’s library. When she got knocked up, it… caused a bit of a scene for her. So she moved out to Junction R-7. Things kinda went downhill from there, but she never knew who my dad was,” I winced slightly. “She had a list of about twelve candidates, but she was always saying that she knew it wasn’t Radar.”
“Radar?”
I blushed. “O-oh, sorry. Right, Stable 9 hasn’t had much contact with the rest of the wasteland. Radar was an old Dashite pegasus who lived in Friendship City till it got shot up about nine years ago,” I facehooved. “Sorry, a Dashite was somepony that was cast out of the Enclave and-”
“I know what a Dashite is, darlin’. Got one livin’ in Stable 9. Poor thing was half dead when we found ‘er,” Solidarity drawled, but motioned his cigarette for me to continue.
“Oh. Well, I wasn’t sure so I thought I’d at least sort of, you know… give you some background,” I explained. “But anyway, he was well into his 60s by the time my mom got pregnant with me. And he was one of the few bucks she denied sleeping with. I always thought that I was just a weird mess of recessive traits which made me a pegasus. Like maybe it's just genetics of my mom and whatever buck she fucked,” I said venomously. Honestly, the possibility had crossed my mind before, but I couldn’t find enough books on how pony genetics worked to make heads or tails of it.
Solidarity ground out the half spent butt of the cigarette against the brick, and tucked it behind his ear. “Sounds like you ain’t exactly pleased with your mom,” He said, drawing out a small flask and taking a long pull from it.
I cocked my ear to the side, distracted by the sudden appearance of the flask. “Why are you out here, Mr. Solidarity?” I asked. “Shouldn’t you be resting?”
He gave me a very stern look. “Isn’t that my line?”
I felt my ears droop under his quiet admonition. “Well, yes. But I can’t sleep so now I’m talking to you.” I paused, and leaned my head back against the cool brick wall. “And to answer your question, no, I’m not pleased with my mom. She’s… kind of a horrible pony. And while I’m sure you’ve heard that a lot from teenaged fillies and colts, it’s not without a great degree of heaviness that I say that. In a lot of ways, I wish I could say that about her with a degree of adolescent levity. But… no. She’s… kind of a terrible, bitter mare who… who I’m pretty sure was taking advantage of me.” I admitted. “And now I'm friends with somepony who is probably the most dangerous mare in the wasteland, and she hates my mom. I’m pretty sure that if she met my mother, Blackjack would kill her. ...And I have half a mind to let her.”
As soon as the words left my lips, the tears began to fall. Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit! Slate had been right. Sandalwood had been right. Mom was just as bad as she was. She just had the benefit of being more subtle about it. It hurt to admit that. I mean, deep down, I’d known something was wrong with my pay. With the fact that she never wrote back. But it didn’t stop it from burning like one of Glitter’s fire spells all the way to my core.
Something bumped up against my muzzle, and I started. I prayed that the stallion wasn’t touching me, because I knew that in my fragile emotional state I would probably shatter all over him, and he didn’t deserve that. Instead, I was greeted by the sight of his flask.
“Wouldn’t normally offer it to kids,” The stallion said quietly as the flask hung in the cool grey glow of his magic. “But after that, might as well see if you can’t chase away a few of the pups following you around?”
“Pups?” I asked, taking a sniff at the flask. My nose and eyes burned as the strong, woody scent of brandy assaulted my nostrils. Not wanting to be impolite, I took a small sip, then gagged and coughed as the liquor burned all the way down.
Solidarity smirked at me, and took another small nip himself before leaning back again. “Something my late wife used to talk about. Clarinet Concerto was a brilliant musician, but she’d have moods. Didn’t bother me none. Being stable security meant I was up at odd hours anyway, but she didn’t really like it when insomnia kept her up,” He explained, levitating a bottle and funnel from his saddlebags.
“She got to talking with a few of the Cervyderians that live in the stable - deer, if you ain’t heard them called that before - and one of them told her about a concept their people have. Somethin’ called the Hour of the Wolf.” The unicorn took out a bottle and a tiny funnel, and set to refilling his flask with brandy, and I watched him pour the amber liquid into the metal flask with practiced grace. “Back in the old days, used to be something called a wolf. Big predator, nasty teeth, loved to eat deer. Before they gone and drove them off, wolves was something to be feared. As the deer banded together, the hour between 3 and 4 am became known as the Hour of the Wolf, because it was the time they came callin’.”
Solidarity recapped his bottle of brandy and put away the funnel. “What the shaman, Snow Berry, said to Clarinet was that she was struggling with living in the Hour of the Wolf. All she could see was the things that she didn’t like about her life, the things she was afraid of, and it gave her far more clarity into the darker portions of her being than Clare was happy dealing with. So Snow Berry proposed that she take a shot before bed, to chase away the Wolf. Then a few more sips in case the only thing bugging her was the Wolf’s pups.”
I wasn’t sure what a wolf was, or if it had pups, but whatever my troubles were, they definitely weren’t pups. “What if it’s not a Wolf keeping you up, if we follow this little metaphor?” I asked. “But a hellhound?”
Solidarity looked down at me before taking a long drink from the flask again. “Those should really be reserved for folks like Go Fish and I,” he said softly. “Cause there’s not enough liquor in the wasteland to take care of shit like that,” He said, passing the flask to me again.
I shook my head. “Well, if that’s the case, did that long drink and a few sips even work for miss Clarinet?” I asked.
Solidarity was quiet for a long time as he and I stared up into the clouded night sky. I could feel the stallion’s emotions churning under his weathered hide, but he simply stared passively up into the dark. If anything, I envied his ability to take a feeling, notice it, then gently pack it back away. It was a skill I desperately needed to learn.
“Not really,” He answered after several minutes of silence. He shook his head and got to his hooves. “You should probably try to get some rest, lest you start getting fluffy ears and leathery wings,” He teased, through words that were slightly slurred.
“I’ll head back in, Mister Solidarity,” I said quietly. “Have a good night. What’s left of it, that is.”
“Night Threnody. You’re a good kid. You get some rest, and hopefully that pup’ll leave you be.”
I sincerely hoped he was right, though I wasn’t likely to let myself get into the pattern of drinking to try to solve my problems with sleeplessness. I watched as Solidarity got up and shuffled toward the entrance of the motel, took one last look at the sky, and stepped as lightly as I could back up to my room.
Morning came with all the subtleties of a slammed door. I woke up gasping for breath, not from a nightmare, but from being smothered by my pillow. Somepony had placed a blanket over me, and I’d migrated to one of the pillows and buried my muzzle in it. Such that I couldn’t breathe.
I looked blearily around the room as my body tried to figure out how to cope with nearly suffocating itself. Thankfully, neither Blackjack nor Puddle were around to watch me wake up. I had only slightly less grace and poise in the morning than a drunken brahmin with a head injury. I splayed my wings out and flopped onto my back, resting my left foreleg across my forehead.
What was I doing? I stared up at the ceiling, hoping the cracked plaster would impart some deep wisdom to me. Maybe the paint had flaked off in some meaningful fashion? Honestly, I’d take anything at this point.
Sandalwood and Slate were due in today. Blackjack was… coping. My friends were hurt, but had made it through the battle okay. I’d kissed a filly, but I wasn’t sure I liked it. I…
… I’d gotten over fourty ponies killed.
Tears ran down my cheeks as that thought percolated through my brain. How was I supposed to face Sandalwood and Slate when they found out that ponies died because I stepped in. Because I pushed us to go to Fold. Because I was scared of telling the truth about what happened to me back home, and then had run away as a result!
They’d hate me! I knew, deep down in my heart, that they would hate me! That they’d never accept what I’d done. How could they? Everything that I had done, every decision I’d made was to cover up and hide and tell more lies. The world I’d known had been nothing but lies. And I was born into that, and learned at an early age that it was the only way to survive.
Why tell my mom how the session went? No matter how I answered, I was wrong. Best to lie about it and say it went well. Why tell somepony I wasn’t acquainted with that my mom whored and frequently had several stallions over a night? Better to lie about it and say she was the town librarian, because she had several books, and it gave her the porcelain veneer of respectability.
Everything was lies. And I was being forced to tell the truth! For another five days!
I rolled over and buried my head under a pillow. It smelled like Blackjack. Which really didn’t help my mental state, because she was part of the problem. I’d been leaning on her a lot recently, and… I still wasn’t sure I should be doing that. She’d… given a little here and there, but… When was she going to snap? When was she going to run away again? And when she ran away again, would it because of her demons?
Or mine?
“Bad case of the Mondays?” A soft, tenor voice wormed its way into my pillow refuge.
Slate. Dammit. He would know. He had to know. Maybe if I stayed really, really still, he wouldn’t notice me! Pony sight was based on movement, right?
“Threnody…” He said softly. “I was going to wake you up and give you a hug, but I’m afraid if I try, I’ll get bucked in the face.” He said wryly, though a measure of seriousness rolled off of him in small ripples.
I sighed as I extricated myself from beneath the pillow and turned to face him. Slate’s ears dipped slightly as I looked at him. He frowned, concern seeping through his emotional shields as he lay down on the bed next to me. “Are you okay?”
I really wasn’t. He knew it. I knew it. Somehow him acknowledging that by asking me directly made it worse. I felt tears start falling down my cheeks again as he asked, and I surprised him by diving forward to wrap my forelegs around his neck. I pressed my face into his shoulder and sobbed. A part of me reeled against the contact, but I didn’t care. I needed somepony. Anypony. And Slate had always been.... Safe.
“Whoa, hey there!” He said, running the frog of his hoof down my mane. “It’s okay! It’s going to be okay. We’re here. You’re safe.” He said, though I could sense his inner turmoil as he searched for the right words to say. It probably didn’t help that my emotions were presently a Charybdian maelstrom of fear, hopelessness, regret, and sadness. But I was having a hard time finding words to express myself, so I just cried.
And Slate let me cry. He held me until the shoulder of the jacket he wore over light barding was soaked through with brackish snot. I finally managed to bring myself together enough to choke out a few words at him.
“You’re going to hate me…” I whimpered, pulling away from him slightly as my guilt over the events of the past two weeks stacked up and hit me all at once.
But he pulled me back toward him. I struggled against the forelegs that wrapped around my small barrel. “Threnody. Why would I hate you? What have you done that’s so awful that I should completely disregard all of that lengthy training Heartshine gave us to be even capable of hating you?” I looked away, which made him reach over to lightly put a hoof beneath my chin. “Hmm? What is it?”
I cursed my deal with Dealer. I couldn’t lie my way out of this one. So I started talking. And I kept talking for a long time. I talked about what had happened after Blackjack and I had left Star House. I talked about how I was doing my level best to avoid going home. Thankfully, Slate sat and listened, only occasionally stopping to ask me for clarification on a few things here and there. And unaccountably, all the while, his emotions never shifted away from anything but care and concern.
That confused me. I didn’t know why he was only feeling care and concern. He should be feeling hate! He should be feeling disgust at what I was. What I’d done! I should be getting my own feelings mirrored back at me! Why was he sitting there only showing care and concern. And not a faked, covering care and concern. Slate was genuine about it. And as much as it hurt to feel that, I kept talking. Secretly hoping that his emotions would eventually do the inevitable whip back to something that showed his true feelings for me.
But damningly, there was no judgement There was no hate. Just… care and concern. When I’d finally caught up to my present feelings of self-loathing, he finally stopped me.
“Threnody, do you think that maybe you’re taking responsibility for the actions of several other ponies?”
I paused in my rancorous tirade a moment. “Um… no? I don’t think so?” I said, skewing my ears to the side. “Why do you say that?”
Slate tilted his head to one side. “You seem to be blaming yourself for what happened here in Fold,”
“Well, of course! If I hadn’t said any–”
He held up a hoof. “If you hadn’t said anything, or spoken up or tried to help, would this have likely happened anyway?” He asked. “You said it yourself that Basalt Breaker and Blue Belle were working on a resistance of some sort here. So… really all you did was give them more ammunition with which to rally the townsponies.”
“But ponies died!” I protested.
Slate was silent for a long moment. “Yes, they did, and I want to honour your grief and empathy over that,” He said gently. “But you already told me that you weren’t involved with the fight.”
No. I wasn’t. “But I was part of the reason the fighting started! If I hadn’t–”
“If you hadn’t risked your life trying to expose just what the Family was doing, you think that fighting wouldn’t’ve happened?”
I frowned, and looked down at my forehooves. That… was true enough. “It really hurt being there. Feeling ponies dying around me. Do you know what that’s like?”
“I fought in the Battle of the Hoof, Threnody. I do very much know what that’s like,” Slate replied, his voice soft, but with a frisson of regret icing over portions of his gentleness. “I… would have liked it if life hadn’t forced you to go through something like that.” He added, his eyes sad as they met mine.
His words were a mental slap in the face. Wait. Why was he concerned about me? There were others who died in that fight! Blackjack had her face half blown off! Bubblegum and Glitter had been shot several times! Why all this worry for me?
Because you’re a pony worth loving. Blackjack’s voice echoed in my subconscious, despite my desire to keep her out of my more private places. Argh. This shit again. I’d gone along with her because I could feel something powerful from her when she said it. There was a great weight of feeling behind those words.
… But for the life of me I didn’t know what they meant!
Slate cocked his head to the side, and I realised I had a confused look on my muzzle. “I… was having a negative thought about myself,” I explained. “And then I was thinking about something Blackjack said yesterday, and despite how often I hear it… I honestly don’t know what it means.”
“Oh? And what was that?” He asked, quirking an eyebrow at me.
I looked down at my hooves again. Okay. No lying. Just the truth. I worked my tongue over in my mouth a moment as it attempted to turn itself into some sort of solid substance. “I was wondering why you were so concerned about me,” I said softly. “And the other day, Blackjack and I had been talking about why ponies might be concerned about me and my welfare, and… she said that I was a pony worth loving.”
Slate blinked at me. “Of course you are!” He exclaimed, skewing an ear to the side as confusion rippled away from him. “Why would you think that you weren’t?”
“Cause that was the first time anypony’s ever told me something like that,” I deadpanned. Saying it out loud was an emotional stab somewhere to the right of my sternum. Slate winced as well. “I’m sorry.”
Slate pulled me close again, and again, I felt those really strong, powerful feelings. It was strange. Care danced with sadness, and the pair blended into a bittersweet cocktail accentuated with drops of pride, a desire to protect, and a heady dose of happiness, patience, and compassion. I felt that from Blackjack. And from Glitter on occasion. It felt… nice. I just didn’t know what it meant.
He was quiet for a long moment before he responded. “You really don’t have anything to apologize for, Threnody. To be honest, I… don’t know what to say. Because a part of me hurts so badly for you because I know that you’re serious,” He said, and when he looked down at me, tears were running from the outer corners of his eyes. “Be honest with me, do you actually think that you aren’t loveable? Or worthy of someone’s love?”
I pulled myself away from his embrace. I needed a little space, and he let me have it. “I hear ponies say things like ‘I love him or her so much!’ Or ‘all of my love goes to my foals.’ It’s… something ponies say,” I said, pulling the pillow that smelled like Blackjack to my chest. “But I don’t know what it means. What does ‘I love you’ mean, Slate? How can it mean anything to somepony who never once heard it from her mom?”
There were those emotions again, and more than a little pain. I reached out a hoof to take the pain away, but Slate gently shook his head. “You feel a lot, Threnody. You have such great flames of compassion within you that almost hide the burn scars that you wear on your soul. It’s part of what I saw… what I felt from you when we first met.”
I gave him a confused look. “What do you mean ‘burn’?” I asked.
He bit his lip. “How do you describe emotions?”
“Um. With words?” I offered unhelpfully.
“Have you ever noticed that Willow Glen often talks about feelings like they are living plants? I think she said to me once that it hurt to feel Blackjack’s ‘happiness bloom only to quickly wither in sorrow.’ All of us heartmenders use metaphors to describe what we’re feeling. I’m sure you do, too, if you think about it. I always likened emotions, and the scars that we carry on our hearts to flames. We can smoulder with desire, burn with pain, flare with anger, blaze with passion. There’s a comfort to me in that fire,” He explained with a soft smile.
“That’s why I said the flames of your compassion nearly mask the burns you carry with you,” He said, poking a hoof gently on my back. “I’m not talking about the physical scars you carry on you from burnout.” Suddenly his poking of my back made more sense, and I felt a little self conscious of the scars that I carried there, even hidden as they were underneath my duster. “I’m talking about the things we feel and see in other ponies. You have so many, and they must hurt you terribly. But you use other things to try to cover them up,” A smirk crossed his muzzle. “Not all that unlike a certain mare who cannot die, despite how much she tries.”
I looked out of the dusty hotel window a moment as I thought over what he said. It was a lot to process. First, that other heartmenders used metaphors too! I’d… thought I was the only one who did that. Which I guess went to show how much I paid attention to the others. Though, in my defense, none of them had routinely talked cases with me.
Then there was the comment that I was like Blackjack. There’d been little subtlety in that comparison.
“Do you think that’s why I work so well with her?” I asked.
Slate nodded. “I think so. When I first met Blackjack, I knew she was burned horribly. And a part of her still burns, even to this day. I felt it when I met her. For those of us who have had to fight to stay alive, I’m… not sure that ever goes away. There’s always a little bit of spark that flares to life under the surface. But even my own scars that I see and feel every day don’t compare to what she’s been through. Which was why when you – this tiny little thing that stood up to her all those weeks ago at Star House and demanded to be let in – I could feel that you might do great things with her.”
My head sunk a little as his pride threatened to drown me. “I… I don’t know about that…”
Slate chuckled. “I don’t think it’s for you to know, Threnody. That was for me to know and understand about you. I felt that fire in you. I knew that you had that potential. I didn’t know your story, but your boldness and your stubborn determination meant that you two were going to get along like a pair of balefire phoenixes. That your burns might be enough for her to actually start healing.” He said with a seriousness that stilled any burbling self-deprecation I felt.
So I tossed the pillow aside and hugged him tightly. I didn’t know what I was feeling. Painful cold embarrassment at his praise. Pride that warmed at having made him happy. Care bubbling up through the icy cracks of fear of rejection. I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t really have good words for it. But it was a nice feeling. A scary feeling. A terribly wonderful, contradictory feeling. A beautiful flurry of emotion made all the more precious by how fragile and potentially fleeting it was.
“I… don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling,” I admitted, choking slightly on the words. “I kind of hate it. I have so many words to express and interpret the feelings of others. But when I get to trying to express mine… I feel like my tongue either turns to marble… or the meaning is lost in a soliloquous outpouring of words when I can speak. It’s… I…”
Slate nuzzled his muzzle into the top of my head. “Shh… It’s okay.” He said. “It’s okay, Threnody. We’re still going to listen, no matter how long it takes for you to turn back to flesh and blood. And no matter how hard you try to drown me in soliloquy.” He said. I couldn’t help but smile at his borrowing of my metaphor.
“Thank you, Slate,” I said. “I don’t know if… if you’re going to change your mind on those feelings I can feel from you, but… I hope you don’t. I… I think I can learn to like them,” I admitted, with fear icing me over.
Slate’s hoof ran down the back of my head. “I won’t, Threnody. Like I said, I admired you from the moment I met you. I know that I might’ve done you a great injury by pointing out your scars. I know there’s this unspoken rule about heartmenders not doing that, considering how openly we wear our own hearts on our sleeves. But rules be damned. You’re a good kid, and the fact that your mom never said that… well… damn her for it. You were a bright spot in the Heartmender Wing, and my one regret was that we fought.”
I sighed, thinking back on our fight. Which was… stupid. So so stupid. “You were right you know… about my mom,” I said. Dammit. I wasn’t going to cry. It hurt to say it. It hurt that it was true. But I wasn’t going to cry.
“I know,” He said quietly, and my eyes burned as tears brimmed at the corners. “I looked into it as soon as you and Blackjack left. Your pay isn’t going to your mom anymore. Sandalwood advocated for that to stop happening after she talked to Heartshine about it,” He gave me a slight smirk. “Apparently the boss had a bit of a conversation with Cinnamon Twist about keeping her informed, and has been double checking a lot of Cinnamon’s activities. I doubt that your least favourite batpony is thrilled about that.”
Somehow I just couldn’t find it in myself to feel badly about that. I blinked away the few tears that had threatened to fall. “So… did you come to talk to me first so that I can prepare to get yelled at by Sandalwood?” I asked, shrinking down a little as my ears drooped.
Slate surprised me by snickering. “What?! No! Of course not! I mean… obviously we weren’t thrilled that you up and ran off with one of the most dangerous mares in the wasteland, but… you’ve actually gotten Blackjack moving. I mean, think about it, Threnody. When was the last time Blackjack drank?”
That gave me a bit of pause. “I… uh… before we left? I’ve not seen her drink anything but Sparkle~Cola since we’d left the Hoof,” I admitted. “Huh…”
Slate gracelessly rolled himself off of the bed. “Well then, I think that we should go talk to Sandalwood about the progress you’ve made with your client. Maybe that’ll put some fears to rest. Or at least cool the embers for a little while,” he offered.
I nodded, and got down off of the bed.
“Oh!” He said, startling me. “I nearly forgot!” His muzzle disappeared into the saddlebag on his back. He withdrew something small, orange, and soft.
My heart tried to worm its way out of my mouth as I held the Scootaloo plushie once again. “Thank you,” I managed, squeezing the toy softly. I’d nearly forgotten about her, and a geyser of guilt welled up inside of me. “I… I didn’t have–”
“I know,” He said, softly. “That’s why when we heard of what was going on up here from Heartshine, I made sure she came with,”
I gave him a confused look. How would Heartshine have…? I looked out the window, and spotted the tall SPP tower. Ah. That explained it. The Lightbringer must have told her. Somehow. Or maybe DJ Pon3 said something on the radio?
“I also brought your pipbucks,” He explained, opening the door to the motel room. “I wanted to offer them to the two of you, but also to let you know that if you don’t want them, you and Blackjack don’t have to take them. I even wiped the tag off of Blackjack’s, so she doesn’t feel like she’s constantly being followed. Because I have a feeling that you won’t be going back to the Hoof just yet,” He said with a gentle smile. “But we can talk about that with Sandalwood.”
I nodded, and followed after him.
We met Sandalwood and Blackjack in the Cafe of Timberjack Dreams. The pair of unicorns chatted idly, and as I trotted into the cafe, the earnest happiness I felt rippling from Blackjack startled me. Just yesterday she’d been saying we should run away up to Stable 9! What gave?
Then she turned and looked at Slate and I as we walked in, and I felt the trickle of relief leading from her to me. She hadn’t been suggesting we run away for her. It had been for me.
Oh. For a heartmender, I was terrible at this.
Sandalwood patted the bench seat next to her as Slate and I approached the table she and Blackjack shared. I scooted in next to my friend as Slate sat down next to the strawberry roan mare.
“I hope you don’t mind that I asked Caledonia and Dry to take Glitter, Bubblegum, and that darling little earth pony filly… what was her name?” Sandalwood asked.
“Puddle Splasher,” Blackjack said helpfully.
“Ah, yes, Puddle Splasher. I asked that they join Glitter’s sisters out toward the outskirts of town to help the alicorns set up a clinic,” Sandalwood explained. “I wanted to keep our conversation about what happened after you left the Hoof in the family for now,” She admitted. “Considering that… well, we’re not quite sure how Glitter Bomb found you, and you appear to have picked up this Bubblegum character from somewhere in the wasteland…”
Slate chuckled. “Where did you find him? He is oh so very pretty to look at,” he teased.
Blackjack’s eyes lit up. “Oh my gosh, I know, right? Almost makes you forget Sandalwood there for a bit!”
Sandalwood flushed a light dusky pink as Slate snorted. “Pay up,” He said simply, holding out a hoof. Sandalwood gave him an incredulous look. “Look, she’s likely to respect us more knowing that we bet on the fact that there’d be a timespan in which she’d bring the two of us up as an item.”
Blackjack snorted. “Excuse me! I am horribly insulted that you two would think that I would ever insinuate such things! And betting on clients! Isn’t that against some sort of heartmender regulations? Thren, back me up here!”
“I just won 50 caps, I’ll give you half.” Slate replied as Sandalwood levitated a small bag out of her saddlebags.
“... I suppose you can be forgiven for the low fee of 25 caps,” Blackjack replied, her expression blank, but mirth ran in rivulets around her hooves. It made me wonder how Blackjack felt to Slate, or to Sandalwood for that matter. “And maybe if you answer if you two are uh…” She looked down at me, then frowned. “Getting to know each other… better? Finding out more… intimate details?” She asked, spinning her hoof slightly.
“No, we’re not fucking,” Slate deadpanned, making Sandalwood blush harder.
Blackjack’s hooves covered my ears. “Slate! For shame! In front of the filly!” I flailed at the unexpected contact and she winked down at me. I smiled as I batted lightly at her hoof.
Sandalwood’s serious expression softened, and I felt wonder flowing into happiness from the normally frosty mare. And yet again, there was that splattering of pride and that desire to protect. What was with that? Argh. These feelings were weird when they were directed at me! I wanted desperately to be away from the table, and Sandalwood frowned.
“What’s wrong, Threnody?” She asked.
For the second time today, I cursed my deal with Dealer about lying. “Both you and Slate sometimes have this… feeling about you when you look at me. It’s like you want to protect me, and there’s this inexplicable sense of… pride,” The pair of them simultaneously tilted their heads to the side, which made me giggle. “I just… it was a pattern I noticed, so I thought I’d ask.”
“They care about you, Threnody,” Blackjack said softly from my right.
I stared at her a moment. Right. Ponies did that to me. For their own reasons which I found very confusing. But looking back across the table, both Sandalwood and Slate were nodding in agreement with her. I skewed my ears to the side.
“I–”
“We know, Threnody. It’s new. It’s weird. But we’d like to try to help you get used to that, right Blackjack?” It surprised me that the words came from Sandalwood, and not Slate.
Blackjack nodded in agreement with the pair of heartmenders, and I felt something inside me break a little bit. It was a weird feeling, realising that maybe, just maybe, one of the unintended side effects of living in a world made of nothing but lies, you would become very good at lying to yourself.
The talk at lunch went a lot better than I could have ever expected. Blackjack was… well, herself, but she felt relaxed. That was the first time I’d felt that from her in the presence of the other two heartmenders. Sandalwood explained that I wasn’t in trouble, but that the Heartmenders did hope that I would ask permission in the future before I borrowed one of their more difficult clients for an ‘excursion in the wasteland.’
I nearly snorted Sparkle~Cola out of my nose when she referred to our misadventures as an ‘excursion.’ Blackjack actually did. But we were able to talk about what had happened, and the debriefing honestly helped me put my thoughts in order. Blackjack seemed to slip naturally into report giving, and it reminded me, in that moment, that she once had been a security mare. Sure, intellectually I knew that, but this was just another one of those moments where the Blackjack from before I met her was showing through. And what I saw wasn’t the terrible monster she made herself out to be.
Then, under the watchful eye of the responsible adults, we ate. I finished the huge bowl of Big Mac and Cheese I’d ordered at the prompting of all three older ponies. Which made me feel uncomfortably full. I was sweating and wanted to throw up, but Blackjack followed me into the fillies’ room at the Cafe, which prevented me from actually following through on my plans of making myself sick.
So I dealt with it. I just wasn’t happy about it.
“Ugh, I ate too much,” I whined as the four of us left the cafe to go meet up with the alicorns and Bubblegum. Sandalwood had consulted her pipbuck, and we followed the winding, broken roads of Fold toward Tree Hugger’s Fine Herb. I wasn’t sure why Caledonia and Dry Clean Only had decided to use an herb shop to set up their clinic, but apparently it was far enough out of the main town that it didn’t bother the townsponies to have a trio of alicorns in close proximity.
“That barely qualified as an appetiser. If you would eat more regularly,” Blackjack chided, “You wouldn’t feel sick after eating a normal amount of food.”
I glared at her. My eating habits had come up at lunch, and I was less than pleased with the fact that Sandalwood had dug up an old diagnosis from the Ministry of Peace Manual of Psychological Disorders. Anorexia Nervosa, she’d called it. Or rather she’d said that she was fairly certain I had it. I’d been forced to answer her honestly about my eating habits, my worries that ponies perceived me as overweight, and a number of other uncomfortable things during the conversation. All the while, Blackjack had been quiet, but I could feel the weight of her concern sitting near my shoulder, ready to crest over me like a wave.
“I… I don’t have a problem!” I protested as we trotted on, my stomach feeling like it was about to burst inside of me. “I just am not as hungry as everypony else!”
Blackjack gave me a look. “Look, I’m not a smart pony. I could occasionally follow what the heartmenders were talking about, and when I put that together with the little bit of medical knowledge I picked up from Glory, what I can conclude is that you. Have. A. Problem.” She said, poking me to emphasise the last three words. “And as much as I don’t like to gang up on you, I am glad Sandalwood said something. I may know a thing or two about fighting monsters that live inside of you. I don’t mind helping.”
A part of me wanted to bite back against her, but I also knew that would get me exactly nowhere. Plus, I didn’t really want to bicker with Blackjack in front of Sandalwood and Slate. Let alone argue with my friend. A part of me wanted to utterly reject everything that Sandalwood was saying, but another part of me wanted to listen to those around me. It was scary, but… maybe, just maybe it was my perceptions that were off? I’d been reading things really wrongly lately. Maybe the problem really was with me.
So, instead of looking like an idiot, I stayed silent on the rest of the walk up to Tree Hugger’s. Sandalwood pushed the door in, and inside we found Dry Clean Only sweeping the shop while a very contented looking Bubblegum got help from Caledonia and Glitter with brushing out his mane. I covered my muzzle with a hoof to hide my smile as the pair of alicorns ran brushes through the stallion’s bubblegum-pink mane.
“I see that Dr. Caledonia wasted no time getting to know you, Bubblegum,” Sandalwood said with a soft smile. “How is the patient, Doctor?”
Caledonia Night didn’t speak, but made a soft clicking sound with her tongue before turning to Glitter Bomb.
“Callie says that Bubblegum’s mane was messy, and it needed to be brushed. And that she was really excited to get it all straight!” Glitter translated.
Blackjack looked back and forth between the two alicorns. “Alright… I’ll bite. Why didn’t she say that, Glitter?” She asked, trotting over to the green mare. Callie offered Blackjack a broad smile, then stuck out her tongue. Blackjack stuck her tongue out back, before looking at me and sucking it back in. “That… didn’t answer my question…”
Dry Clean Only set down a broom she’d been holding in her magic. “Not everypony who was connected to the Goddess broke away from Unity intact, Blackjack,” She said, her eyes narrowing as she trotted over and placed a wing protectively over Callie’s back.
Glitter Bomb nodded. “Her voice ran away and now she can only talk through thinking!” My purple friend giggled brightly. “Though um… she says I’m supposed to talk to her, not use telepatholology because I think too loud.”
Blackjack turned to the rest of us mere mortals and nodded sagely. “If Glitter Bomb’s words through Unity were put to text, they’d probably be in all capital letters.”
Callie chuckled brightly, then lightly tapped the back of Bubblegum’s head.
“She says she’s done, Bubblegum,” Glitter said.
“But it felt so nice…” He whined, before opening his eyes. He locked eyes with me a moment, and a slight blush crossed his cheeks. “It’s hard to care for a mane this luxurious in the wasteland!”
“You could just get it trimmed,” Slate deadpanned, looking up at the well tamed, if longish style that made up his mane. As I looked him over, I could see navy blue starting to peek through at the roots of his mane, splashing a bit of colour to the black that he’d dyed it.
Bubblegum shrugged. “Eh, I like it long. I think it looks better on me. Though thank you, Miss Callie. It was really, really nice to have somepony help me with it.”
Callie inclined her head, then turned back to Sandalwood. She made a soft click, then tilted her head to the side.
Sandalwood nodded, and I realised that Callie must have used her telepathy on the strawberry roan heartmender. “Our talk went well. Blackjack is behaving, and Threnody is unhurt. I assume the other three are coping as well?” She asked, her eyes flitting to Bubblegum and Glitter Bomb.
“Yep!” Puddle Splasher replied happily as she trotted out from a closet. The little mare’s seafoam green mane was liberally sprinkled with dust bunnies and bits of cobweb. “I mean… well… I’m okay at least. I won’t speak for Glitter and Bubbles.”
Bubblegum frowned, then looked Slate up and down. “You a heartmender too?” He asked, eyeing the stallion. Suspicion rippled off of him, and he almost felt like he was sizing Slate up. I couldn’t for the life of me fathom why.
Slate nodded. “Yes…” he replied, but a bit of hesitancy crept into his voice. “May I ask why?”
Relief flowed out from Bubblegum. “Can… I borrow you for like… thirty minutes? I have been drowning in estrogen and I need dude talk. And a dude to talk to. Please?” He looked at Sandalwood. “Is it okay if I take your boyfriend from you for a bit?”
“He’s not my boyfriend…” Sandalwood muttered, scuffing her hoof on the floor.
“Huh, could have fooled me. Well, loverboy, let’s go chat!” Bubblegum said, trotting out the door. Slate gave Sandalwood an apologetic look before trotting after the big stallion.
Blackjack nudged Sandalwood’s shoulder. “So… is there any reason why he’s not your boyfriend?” She asked, all smarmy grins and cat-ate-the-canary smiles.
Sandalwood fixed Blackjack with a glare. “Yes. There are several. All of them professional!” She said with a sniff.
Dry Clean Only coughed slightly to catch everypony’s attention. “Um, speaking of purely professional endeavours, I do believe that this location will be ideal for setting up a clinic,” She trotted over to a closet door. “In fact, miss Puddle was kind enough to show us that this is not in fact a closet, but a staircase,” She said, igniting her horn with light blue magic as she opened the door. “I do believe that the proprietors of this… herb establishment grew their own product at one time. From the notes that they left behind, it looks like they built this establishment over a hot spring. Apparently the humidity from the spring made for a more… potent crop.”
“A hotspring?” I asked. “Like… a natural one?”
Dry Clean nodded. “It appears so. I am really excited about this. I had always wanted to have a spa. I feel like the ponies of the wasteland need some place to relax, and as Littlepip has often said, trade will save the wasteland. Perhaps a find like this could be a way for the Followers to bring some additional – and much needed – economy to Fold.”
The other girls all nodded in agreement, then Blackjack spoke up. “So when do we have a hot spring day?” She raised a forehoof as we all looked at her. “I’m just saying that it sounds relaxing is all!”
Glitter’s eyes widened. “Oh! That would be so much fun! And then Bubblegum would be all wet and bubbly and pretty and…” My friend trailed off as she remembered she was sitting in a room full of girls who, for the most part, also thought that Bubblegum was pretty. Hackles rose on the back of her neck like a particularly irate cat as she glared at us. “Maybe that isn’t such a good idea,” She said, her eyes narrowed.
Blackjack sighed. “Fine. We’ll make it fillies only for today,” she said as she tapped her chin with her hoof, “Maybe it is better that way.”
Sandalwood and I exchanged glances. “Are you sure you aren’t asking because you want to see a bunch of pretty mares and an awkward filly without their barding on?” I asked, quirking an ear to the side.
“I’m not the awkward filly, right?” Puddle whispered to Glitter, who shook her head.
“Well, that is an added benefit. But I had to share a bed with two cute fillies last night,” Blackjack replied, looking at me when she said ‘cute’. “And unfortunately, one of them – whose name starts with a P and shall remain nameless – kind of hogs the bed. So my back hurts, and a hot spring sounds like a nice way to relax.”
Sandalwood looked around at the gathered mares and fillies. “Well… I suppose it couldn’t hurt. Maybe we should try to help Dry and Callie clean up the place? What do you say, girls? Do some cleaning, see if the hot springs are safe to use, and meet up later to relax? I’m sure that the boys can find something to occupy their time with.”
“I’ve been doing that already, but I don’t mind helping more! Helping is what friends do for each other!” Puddle said, bouncing on her hooves.
Caledonia made a few clicks and smiled, and Dry nodded along with her. “Well, we would appreciate the help. And with more hooves, I suppose the work would go faster.” Glitter nodded in agreement with her sisters.
“I love this idea,” Sandalwood said, clapping her forehooves together excitedly. “It also gives me time to catch up with all of you! And get to know Puddle a little better!” She stopped as she looked at Blackjack and I. “Are you two in?”
“Hey, pretty mares–”
Sandalwood frowned at Blackjack. “Yes yes, we get the idea,” She said, rolling her eyes before settling her gaze upon me. “How about you, Threnody?”
I blinked at her. “Me? Why are you asking me?”
“Because it’s your choice on whether or not you want to help. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I wouldn’t mind spending some time with you on a project. We weren’t able to do that when you were at Star House.” She explained.
I stared at her for a moment as my brain tried to parse what was happening. Oh. Right. I actually got a choice in things. Blackjack leaned over and nudged me. “If you don’t want to help, you don’t have to, Thren.”
But I did want to help. It just felt weird being asked instead of being told. “No, I want to help. Sorry, you just… threw me off because you asked. I was just gonna help because I figured I was gonna get volunteered to.”
Sandalwood’s ears drooped. “Oh, no, sweetie. Not at all! I just wanted to make sure that you wanted to help out. I know you and your friends have been through a lot recently, and if you wanted to spend the afternoon resting, I wanted to give you that option. As opposed to getting dirty like the rest of us.”
Blackjack put a hoof over my shoulder. “But you still can say no, if you wanted to.”
I shook my head. “No, I do want to help. I’m sorry for making things weird, Sandalwood.”
Sandalwood rewarded me with a gentle smile. “No, it’s quite alright, Threnody. I am glad you’re willing to help!” She turned to the other girls. “Now… let’s check out what we’ve got to work with, Dry.”
The hidden staircase Puddle had found led down into a small cavern that had been hollowed out of the basalt bedrock. The walls were dotted with beautiful natural crystal formations. Purple, white, orange, blue, and pink clusters of amethyst and quartz dotted the ceiling, and reflected the bright sunlamps that the ponies had installed in the ceiling. Colour spilled throughout the cavern, making the potentially gloomy cave of dark rock seem almost inviting. Sandalwood and I spent several minutes looking at all of the gem formations, and she pointed out some of the rarer crystals, such as carnelian and ametrine. I’d never heard of ametrine, and it was nice to be able to put a name to the enchanting purple and orange crystal spurs.
On the opposite side of the cavern from the stairs lay the hotspring in all of it’s steamy glory. I wasn’t sure how the pre-war ponies stumbled upon this spring. Maybe they'd found it when they tried to dig a basement for the shop above, but the cavern itself appeared to be a natural formation. Which made me wonder how it was made, though, admittedly, I hadn’t found many books on things like geology.
The seven of us set to work trying to tidy up the cavern itself. There was a lot of rusty, broken down tables and planters that needed to be taken apart. Glitter and Blackjack used their hooves and magic to knock over the damaged tables, and seemed to be making a game out of it. Puddle assisted Dry and Caledonia with hauling the broken pieces out of the cavern, while Sandalwood and I took brooms and swept the floor. A white, chalky substance covered the basalt floor in a thin layer, and it had a weird filmy quality that made it a little uncomfortable to walk on. Luckily, it swept up off of the floor with little effort on our part.
“Threnody, may I ask you something?” Sandalwood asked absently as we swept our growing pile of soapy dust into the corner.
I bristled slightly. Oh dear. “Um… yes?” I said, dreading the fact that, no matter what, I had to be honest.
Sandalwood must have felt my apprehension, as she stopped and gave me a frustrated look. “It’s not anything bad, Threnody. I just wanted to know what you thought of Blackjack.”
“Oh,” I said sheepishly. “Er… what did you want to know?” I felt Blackjack’s attention shift toward us, but as a glanced over at her, she was doing an admirable job making it look like she was paying attention to Glitter and not us.
“Well… I want to make sure that your relationship with her is still working for you.”
Working for me? What? “Um… yes?” I replied hesitantly. “I think it is. Blackjack is a really neat pony. I like her. And I know she likes me. So I think us being together is a good thing!”
Sandalwood winced slightly, but nodded. “Alright. You haven’t had an intimate relationship with her, have you?” She asked, and I almost stumbled at her bluntness.
“No. Nothing like that at all. In fact we had a conversation yesterday about her trying to not make so many innuendos at me because it makes me uncomfortable. And she agreed to it.”
If Sandalwood’s eyebrows could go any higher, I was fairly certain they were going to migrate off of her face and fly away. “She… agreed to it?”
I felt Blackjack’s wince from across the room. “Yeah. I… was honest. I told her that… I didn’t know that I wanted it. I told her why it made me uncomfortable. And she said she’d try to remember that. She’s been really good about it so far.” I chuckled at Sandalwood’s expression and the veritable surge of pride that rushed off of Blackjack. “She even decided to not tell me last night why she had to stay with us fillies instead of with Basalt Breaker. I figured the reason was lewd, based on the way she and Puddle were snickering about it. But she decided to honour what I said. And I really, really appreciate that.”
Strangely, that seemed to concern Sandalwood more. “So what do you think she feels about you?”
I hesitated at that question. I didn’t like that kind of question. I wasn’t ever sure how to answer that. I could relay what she said. But how she felt? I hadn’t been paying a lot of attention to that recently. Or rather I was more focussed on emotions that I thought could be bad for her or those around us more than I was about specific feelings for me.
“I think she likes me,” I replied after a moment.
Another eyebrow quirk from Sandalwood. “You think? You don’t feel?”
I looked back and forth between her and Blackjack. In retrospect, I’m not sure why I did that, but Blackjack met my eyes and trotted over.
Sandalwood shrunk nearly imperceptibly as Blackjack stood next to me. The pale mare did her best to look confused. “Did I miss something?”
I let out an exasperated sigh. “Blackjack, eavesdropping works better when the ponies you’re listening to can’t feel your emotional responses to what’s being said.” I teased.
She stuck her tongue out at me, then turned to Sandalwood. “Did you have something to ask me?” she asked Sandalwood evenly, her red eyes focused on the unicorn in an unsettling neutral look. Not quite shooty, but shooty was somewhere right around the corner.
Sandalwood swallowed briefly, then stood up a little straighter. “I was trying to ask Threnody what she felt your feelings for her were. She seemed to be struggling to come up with an answer when you wandered over.” She replied, trying to match Blackjack’s neutrality with a cool evenness.
Oh boy. I may not have been able to get a sense for Blackjack’s feelings for me for oh so many reasons, but I wasn’t sure I liked the tone I was hearing in Sandalwood’s voice. Stubbornite upon Stubbornite reactions tended to end poorly for those involved.
“I dunno,” she remarked as she slipped over and sat down across from Sandalwood. “While I think about it, why don’t you tell us what you think Slate thinks about you?” The feelings coming off Blackjack were like layers of hard, encrusted anger and annoyance starting to test her restraint.
Sandalwood’s expression wavered a moment as we both sensed Blackjack’s anger. I for one wasn’t sure why she was angry with Sandalwood. Though I could tell that Blackjack had, as usual, struck a chord in Sandalwood as a dizzying river of emotions slipped between the cracks in her mask. “Blackjack, you really, really seem focussed on the nature of the relationship between Slate and I. Does that bother you that much to know that we aren’t intimately involved?”
I lay my ears back. Sandalwood, you dummy.
“We as in what you and I did or we as in what you and Slate are doing?” Blackjack countered back with an arch of her brow. “When you talk about ‘intimates’ you kinda need to be more specific with me.”
“Slate told you earlier that we have not been physically involved, Blackjack. He had no reason to lie to you, though I suppose you could ask Threnody if you feel you have a reason to doubt him!” Sandalwood, please leave me out of this. “As far as what… we did. That’s… not really appropriate discussion in front of Threnody. Or anypony, thank you very much.” She snapped, anger heating her normally cool exterior.
“Um… well… Look, I… maybe I should have just paid more–” I started, before Blackjack interrupted me.
“It’s not you, Thren,” Blackjack replied, her red eyes locked on Sandalwood. “I don’t like you asking her what she thinks I feel about her. How the hell do you expect someone to answer that! That’s like asking someone you love why you love them. She’s dealing with her own crap and you throw that wrench at her? You should know better, Sandal! You have no excuse!” she hissed, her eyes narrowed as those strata of emotions which had remained so still for so long suddenly fractured like geological plates slipping. Before she could smash us with her angstquake, however, she took in a deep breath, and the quivering subsided. “Now, if you want to know how I feel about Threnody, Sandalwood, then. Ask. Me.”
Sandalwood stepped back a pace at the raw emotions that rippled away from Blackjack like water before a glacier collapsing into the sea. “I–” she said, quaking with fear in the face of Blackjack’s angst and self-hatred. “Blackjack, I’m not sure you’re being fair. I’m asking her because I wanted to gauge whether or not she realises just how important she is to you.” She sat down on her rump as she tried to stare Blackjack down, but very clearly wasn’t winning that battle.
Blackjack didn’t answer. I could feel the fracturing restraint radiating off her in waves, like some machine in danger of breaking out of all control. “And what, Sandal, do you think she will do once she realizes how important she is to me?”
“Probably continue to be confused by it, Blackjack,” I said before Sandalwood could pull herself together enough to speak. “I get that you care, but… to me that doesn’t…” I frowned, trying to put my words together in a way that made sense. “It means that you care, and my ability to process that that ends there.”
Now it was me that Sandalwood was looking at with no small measure of fear. “Threnody… I really don’t think you’ve thought this through, dear.”
“And she shouldn’t have to. So don’t make her,” Blackjack said in that deceptively soft voice that was accompanied by the shootiest look I’d ever seen her give another pony.
Sandalwood looked between the pair of us, then chose to say nothing.
I turned to Blackjack. “I know that I’m important to you. But… I don’t want to try to think about what that means beyond simply what it is. Anything else gives me a bit of a headache. Are you okay with how you feel about me?”
And just like that, the tension broke as Blackjack gave me a smirk. “Sure, Thren. Gives me one too.” Then she gave a shrug. “It’d help if I knew precisely how I felt with you. I love you. I know that. I don’t know what kind of love it is though. Is it like… Glory? Where I want to share my life with you? Is it like P-21, where we understand each other and I want to help with your pain? Is it Rampage, where I want to save you? Scotch, where I want to protect you? I don’t know why I feel what I feel. For all I know, you could be some kind of love I’ve never felt before, and so it could mean almost anything.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “But I do love you, Thren. And above all, I don’t want to hurt you like I’ve hurt… like I’ve hurt everyone else I’ve loved. I want to do better. I have to believe that I can be better to the people I love.”
I gaped at her. What did she mean she loved me? What was that even supposed to mean? I had just gone over this with Slate– oh right, she wasn’t there for that conversation. Why did I just assume that she would have been there for that!? Argh, she was infecting my brain!
I felt myself being pulled under by the various warring emotions that ripped through me. I didn’t understand. I was scared to try to understand. I wanted to know why she chose me of all ponies to try to do better for.
But I couldn’t stop myself from asking: “Why?” Sandalwood’s eyes widened in alarm.
“Why do ponies keep asking me that?” Blackjack replied with a grumbled sigh. Because all your friends have been emotional cripples like me, Blackjack? Then she closed her eyes for a brief second, and then looked at me with a small smile. “You need me. Not a lot. Not for everything. But you need me and I need to be needed by somepony. I have to have that. Otherwise, on my own, I’m just a drunken wretch waiting to die. You give me purpose, like us being here right now. If you said you wanted to go to Appleloosa right now, I’d go. If you said you wanted to go to the zebralands, I’d go. I wouldn’t even think twice. And when you don’t need me anymore… when you have everything you do need… I guess I’ll have to move on. And I hate that idea, but you asked… and I can’t lie to you, Thren.”
Had she told me this when I’d first met her, I would have said that Blackjack was a dangerously obsessive mare. And while she may be that, it struck me just how open and honest she was being with me. I put my hoof to my chest as it dawned on me just how vulnerable she was being right now, and it scared me that I was going to say the wrong thing. Her words hurt, placing a strong pressure right to the left of my sternum, but I didn’t want to say anything wrong. My hurt was enough right now. I’d shatter to pieces if I had hers.
“I do need you, Blackjack. As much as it scares me to admit that. But… it’d scare me to admit that to anyone. So much so that I couldn’t even thank Slate this morning for being so understanding. I’ve had a hard time expressing to Glitter Bomb just how much she means to me in words. It’s… scary admitting that I can’t do this on my own, as much as I’d like to think I could. But even if I could, I don’t feel I should, and that means I need you. All of the ponies around me. Even Sandalwood,” I said with a small smirk, before letting my ears droop. “Maybe especially Sandalwood.”
“Sweetheart, it’s… you won’t hurt my feelings if you say that you aren’t fond of me,” She said gently, though I could tell that she was lying through her teeth.
“As much as you frustrate me, Sandalwood, I do like you,” I admitted. “Cause you try to actually help steer me in the right direction. More than my mom ever did.”
“I don’t, because I think she’s unfair to others and herself,” Blackjack said as she shifted next to me, leaning over to lightly press the side of her head to mine as she looked at Sandal. “But her heart’s in the right place, so I can respect that.”
Sandalwood’s emotions sloshed between something around ‘d’aww’ and moderate annoyance in quick succession, but she settled them as she shook her head at Blackjack. “I think you needn’t worry about me, Blackjack,” She said brushing a bit of her curly mane from her eyes. “But it is nice to know that you don’t hate me, Threnody. As angry as you feel when you talk to me, I was beginning to fear that was the case.”
“Nah, that’s reserved for Cinnamon,” I quipped.
“Threnody!”
“What?! She’s a bitch!” I snapped, following it up with a pout. “Sure, you tell me that I have some weird eating issue and you’re scared that I’m becoming friends with Blackjack, but… you aren’t like Cinnamon. And you definitely aren’t like my mom. If anything, it was really, really mean of me to compare the two of you. Like Blackjack said, at least your heart is in the right place.” I glanced at Blackjack a moment before giving Sandalwood a mischievous grin. “Though you really should let Slate take you out on a date.”
Sandalwood made a series of exasperated mare noises before locking eyes with Blackjack. “That bit of her is your fault, you know!” She said, trying desperately to look stern, though the smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth suggested anything but sternness.
“Sandal, you deserve to feel good too. You’re addicted to work and responsibility. If you want to, I’ll go with you some place, right now, and help you feel good again. Because it’s good to feel good when it doesn’t hurt somepony else.”
“That is not what I want at all, Blackjack!” Sandalwood squeaked, a blush making her already ruddy cheeks a darker shade of red. Blackjack just kept that steady smile, her eyes now giving a reverse-shooty look. “You needn’t worry yourself about me. I will manage my own relationships on my own, thank you very much. And if anything, you needn’t concern yourself at all on that front!” She said with a huff. “Heartshine has pretty much sent us up here to Fold together, so even if I did care about him, and I’m not saying I do, it’s not like I’d have any choice but to spend an extended amount of time in close proximity to him!”
She was lying again, but Blackjack and I knew it. She and I exchanged glances again and broke down into giggles. “You know Sandalwood, maybe you should try going a week without lying,” I teased.
Then Blackjack moved towards her, Sandalwood’s face turning increasingly alarmed as Blackjack put her hooves on her shoulders and pressed her mouth to Sandalwood’s ear. I didn’t hear what she said, but the emotions coming off Sandalwood were like the rumblings of a dam breaking under the weight of a flood’s swell. Blackjack kissed her cheek, and then backed away. “Just think about it. Okay?”
“I…” she faltered, trying to shore up those walls that Blackjack had breached with the rubble of her self confidence and ego. “I’ll… try.” I’d never heard her speak in such a small voice before. I didn’t know Sandal had that voice.
Blackjack turned back to me. “So, I dunno about you, but emotional demolition makes me sore! Want to try out these hotspring thingies?” she asked me, nodding away from Sandalwood as the mare looked a bit lost.
I nodded. “Let’s tell the alicorns. Oh, and we should probably put up a sign on the door that says ‘don’t come in we’re naked’ so the stallions don’t wander down here.’ That would be kind of awkward,” I said trotting over to the springs themselves.
“Awkward?!” Blackjack laughed. “Threnody, you know most ponies don’t wear clothes. Besides, that’d be the perfect invitation to me!” I wanted to join in, but a part of me couldn’t help but wonder what Blackjack had said to Sandalwood, who now watched us with an inscrutable expression, like somepony who was suffocating, before she turned and walked back up the stairs.
“Um… I’ll join you in just a moment, Blackjack. Why don’t you let the alicorns and Puddle know it’s time for a break, and… I’ll be back down with Sandalwood.” I said before trotting toward the stairs. I chuckled as heard Glitter shout “Cowabunga!” behind me, followed by a great splash.
I found Sandalwood staring out of the window that overlooked Fold when I made it upstairs. She quickly turned away from me when I approached, though I could see a few telltale spots in the dust on the floor. She’d been crying.
“Sandalwood? I know you’re not okay, but… do you want to talk?” I asked
“No! I don’t! I mean…” she said, furiously shoving emotional rubble into the holes in her heart. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Just… go take care of Blackjack. Make sure she doesn’t do anything… Blackjacky…” she said, her teeth clenching as that emotional bulwark strained.
Yeah, right. That and two caps will buy you an applecore. I reached out a hoof, then put it back down on the floor before deciding to trot over to sit next to her. “She’s got Glitter and Puddle with her. They’ll keep her in line. Probably. Plus you know that Dry Clean Only and Callie are attached at the hip,” I said. “So, we’re back to you and you being decidedly not fine.”
“I don’t–” she started to say, and I nailed her with the best shooty look I could. Sure, I couldn’t actually shoot her with magic, but I would smack a mare silly if she kept this up. If I tried hard enough it might even hurt! “Don’t look at me like that! I–” She wanted me to argue. I kept up the stare. Finally, the rubble broke and she trembled as the dam burst. “I’m so fucking alone,” she whispered, hanging her head as if she just admitted to cold blooded murder. Somehow, the expletive from the proper mare’s mouth made it positively ring with honesty.
I didn’t know what to say, so I spread out my wing and lightly lay it on her back. I was aiming for her withers, but she was too tall. Even sitting on her rump. “Why do you say that, Sandalwood?” I asked, putting as much gentleness into my voice as possible.
“Please, don’t do that!” she gasped, sniffling and rubbing her shame-filled tears. “Don’t… don’t talk to me like Heartshine or Velvet. Don’t talk like a heartmender. I’m so tired of talking to heartmenders.” She slumped. “Goddesses, what an idiot I am. I always thought you were a kid. That I had everything together. All my issues sorted out. Everypony else had the problem. Not me. Then that… that… that fucking Blackjack!” she snapped, glaring at the stairs from which issued the sounds of laughter and splashing. Her wrath passed quickly as she slumped. “She comes along and shows me I’m just as messed up as everyone else.”
“I mean… not to put too fine a point on it, but that’s kind of her thing. She wouldn’t’ve talked to you if you weren’t emotionally damaged in one way or another,” I quipped, dropping the gentleness for my much more natural sarcasm. “But… I don’t know that there’s anypony that’s been born out here that actually has things together, Sandalwood. I mean, you don’t need to be a heartmender to know that.”
“But I wasn’t born out here,” Sandalwood said, giving a wan smile. “I was born in Tenpony. I might as well have been born in a stable. I probably would have been better off. At least stable ponies don’t have to pretend like a world of misery doesn’t exist just outside the walls of their home.” She closed her eyes and shook her head. “You don’t know what it was like… living in a place where any day, people you knew – friends, even – could be evicted for missing the rent. Never knowing if next month, you were going to be cast out to die in that world you couldn’t bear to admit existed. It was suffocating. Day after day it wore away at you, the fear, the tension, the grinding, looming dread.” She sniffed and rolled her eyes. “I know. I know. ‘Tenpony problems.’ Boo hoo hoo. Tell it to the raiders.’”
I shook my head. “No, that sounds really scary. I don’t know what it’s like, being that scared of the world because I was little when we moved out to Junction City. But until I took this trip? The most I’d seen of the wasteland was when I had a bit of precious free time to fly without supervision. So… I can see why Tenpony problems are still very much problems. Especially when really bad things are happening around Manehattan just outside of your door.” I shrugged. “That would be enough to scare me.” I admitted.
She rubbed her eyes with a hoof. “It’s not just that. Your whole life… you get an attitude. Don’t get close to anypony, because any day they could be gone. And be ready for the day it happens to you. Ponies who get evicted… most commit suicide. And when they do… there wasn’t a ceremony or funeral. They were just tossed outside. I didn’t get close to anypony. Not even my parents, because if something happened I didn’t want to be hurt. Because it hurt so much.” She curled up tighter under my wing. “So when I finally DO get out here, I make sure I keep all my walls up. Make sure nothing gets to me. Make sure I’m the mare in control. That I’m the one who knows better. That I’m the one who’s right!” She spat out the word like an epithet. “Goddesses,” she murmured, “I am such a cunt.”
“No. Cinnamon is a cunt. You are just grumpy,” I replied, frowning at her. “You heard Blackjack. Yeah, sometimes you make really bad decisions, or you’re a bit… aloof. But you’ve never been a cunt,” I said before wiggling my tongue in my mouth.
“Bad decisions…” she murmured with a wry smile that appeared alien on her face. “Did you know I slept with Blackjack?” she asked. I knew she had, but I didn’t trust that letting her know I knew that was helpful, so I simply tilted my head to the side to let her continue. “I did. I did. I swore I’d die before I ever told anyone, but I did. Somehow she saw right through me. My walls. My… everything. Made me feel things I never knew I felt. And it made me happy. It did. And it terrified me too, because I was sleeping with the most dangerous mare I ever met. Eventually, I just couldn’t do it. I let Slate take care of it, because I think he knew how much I was struggling, and he offered. So I just... let him. I fucking let him take on the role of lead heartmender. Even though I knew he didn’t like it. Even though I could feel how much pain he was in using his ‘skills’ he’d picked up from Flank to get Blackjack to at least a manageable level of insanity. All because I was too scared to let myself be close to anypony. Because I trusted walls more than opening up my heart.”
“But… keeping those walls up would make you really lonely. And… let’s be real. Being a heartmender can already be kinda lonely. Even around other heartmenders. I’m terrified of the day that I have to try to explain to somepony how I feel things. It gives me a migraine to think about, and I’m really glad that Blackjack hasn’t asked me!” I paused, thinking a moment. “Though that was probably because she asked somepony else already.”
That drew a small smile out of Sandalwood. “Yeah. She asked Cinnamon.”
“As if Cinnamon needed more reasons to dislike her!” I said, lightly bumping Sandalwood with my shoulder. “That said… Being alone isn’t really good for us. Not that you have to be with Slate to fix that.”
She looked down at her hooves. “I… don’t think you know quite how very much I would like that.”
“No, I don’t. Though the fact of the matter is the two of you display more cordiality and body language that shows just how much you are attracted to each other that it’s almost sickeningly sweet. But for some reason, neither of you is willing to bend on that point!” I grumbled, huffing slightly. “The unresolved sexual tension in Star House was almost stifling, and it wasn’t just because Blackjack wanted to have sex with everything that moved.”
“Threnody, you… know that would be complicated…”
“Are you saying that because you mean it? Or are you saying that because it’d require you to let those walls down? Because I can tell you that, based on his non-verbal cues, Slate is very much into you. You know he has a nickname for you, right? It’s curlytail.” I swished my tail slightly in frustration. “So… if you’re so alone, and so sad at being alone… maybe it’s time to try making a little change?”
Sandalwood stared at me for a long moment, a blush just barely colouring her cheeks. Her right ear flicked before she finally spoke. “You’re sure he likes me?” She asked, using that small voice again. The little pegasus inside of my head started bashing her skull against the ground in frustration, but on the outside I simply nodded. “I mean… I… I don’t know that he should. Threnody, what if it doesn’t work out? What if you only think you know that he likes me, but as soon as I say something, he’s going to hate me for what I’ve let him do on my behalf? I mean, isn’t him just caring about me enough? So what if it’s not an actual relationship. I get to see him most days! At least I know he cares!”
“Well if that isn’t the most fucked up pile of brahmin shit I’ve heard recently,” I deadpanned. “At least you know he cares? Sandalwood, what the hell? You’re asking me if you think I think he likes you,” I paused, trying to parse that out in my head a moment before continuing. “Then you turn around and say you don’t want a relationship? Because it sounds like you want something more than the relationship you have!”
There was that damaged-dam-rumbling feeling from Sandalwood again. “I… already know that I’m in his heart. Threnody, I’m terrified of what happens if we’re both wrong and he just… he thinks of me as a friend. I don’t… know that I could handle being forcibly evicted from his heart.”
Oh. There we were. The actual problem that Sandalwood was having. She was afraid of being rejected. “Sandalwood, I’m… pretty sure that the heart doesn’t have quite the same problem that Tenpony had when it comes to who gets to stay and who doesn’t. That’s his decision to make, but for you to accept that, I think you kind of have to trust him on this. Or at the very least, trust your friends.” I explained gently. “I am being one hundred percent honest when I tell you that your affections for one another are painfully obvious. You’ve basically spent several nights in his heart already, Sandalwood. You might as well start asking for your own space in the closet. If we’re going with the awkward moving-in metaphor that you used.”
Sandalwood let out a strained chuckle. “All right, all right. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t be complicated. I just… I don’t even know what to do! Do I ask him on a date? How do normal ponies do this?” She asked. I wasn’t sure why she was asking me, because clearly I was the stunning image of perfect relationships myself! But I set that thought aside for now as she continued. “And what does… I worry about what happens if I move higher up in the Heartmenders. What if I have to supervise him?”
“Sandalwood, Heartshine’s a ghoul. She’s like, already over two hundred years old. Unless something weird happens, she’s more likely to die after I do. I don’t think that the Heartmenders really have a lot of um… upward trajectory as far as things go. Though I could be wrong. I was always the littlest one in the group.”
Sandalwood issued the strangest noise, something like a hiccup being strangled. Then she made it again. And then she started to laugh. Not the little tittering or polite chuckle she normally issued. It was a full, pure, expression of mirth eroding the cracks that Blackjack had blasted in her walls. “I suppose you’re right. Goddesses, I’m an idiot.” She rose and faced me, and for the first time I saw something other than pity or concern on her face. It was just as alien as that smile and laugh. “Thank you, Threnody,” she stated, and it struck me like a blow.
Respect. Honest to goodness respect.
“S-sure,” I stammered, rubbing the back of my head.
“I should go talk to Slate. Maybe buy some wine. Something. They have wine out here, right?” She still wore that strange smile, but it strangely seemed to fit her now, like a comfy old coat that just needed the creases smoothed out of it. “Go enjoy your hot springs, Threnody. I’m fine.” And now, I knew, she was being honest.
I nodded. “I’ll meet up with you and Slate tomorrow?”
Sandalwood nodded, then trotted out the shop’s door.
I made my way back down the stairs, still trying to process what had just happened between Sandalwood and I when I nearly ran into Puddle.
“Oh! There you are! We were wondering if you were coming!” She said, her normally poofy mane steaming.
I scrunched up my muzzle as she turned around and sprinted away from me back towards the hot springs. Most ponies didn’t wear clothes. Most ponies didn’t wear clothes. I chanted to myself as I made my way toward the spring. I wasn’t sure what I was hung up about, really. But somehow not wearing clothes bothered me. Sure, none of the alicorns wore clothing, Blackjack preferred not wearing her armoured barding, and Puddle frequently only wore light stable barding that left little to the imagination, but… I had some hangup about not wearing clothes. So seeing the quintet of wet-maned mares naked as the day they were born was a little… intimidating.
Callie relaxed against Dry Clean’s chest as Glitter juggled water balls with her magic, and were soon joined by Puddle living up to her name and making a big splash. Blackjack, however, was apart from the others. She lay on her chest, on a wet rock, her blank flank hindquarters submerged as she watched the other four. But when Puddle reappeared, those red eyes seemed to spear right through me. The smallest, inscrutable smile played at her muzzle, her gaze full of possibilities… only it was up to me to choose. And whatever I chose, she would be the best at it she possibly could. Sister? Guardian? Mentor?
...Lover?
Oh wow, I had no idea my heart could beat that fast! It was probably because I was in an enclosed space! Totally unrelated to the waves of panic that came on with that thought!
“Sandalwood okay?” she asked, barely audible over the splashes echoing in the basement.
I nodded, biting the metaphorical bullet, pulling my duster off and immediately slipping into the water up to my neck. Okay, I could do this. Having most of my body under the water, clear as it was, somehow made me feel a little less… exposed. Somepony would have to look really closely to see those scars on my back, and the water gave me some comfort by distorting my figure as I slowly glided through it. I made my way through the soothingly warm water and settled down next to her. “I… think she will be. Though she made mention of going to talk to Slate and get some wine. That is if Bubblegum is done with him.” I said, leaning back against the rock she lay on to rest my wings. Some blessed pony had polished them smooth, into almost perfect leaning rocks. “But I think she’s going to be okay.”
“How about you?” she murmured into my ear, her breath warm and tickling.
I thought about that a moment before answering. “I’m okay. Today has been weird, but a good kind of weird. I didn’t think that it was going to be that way after staying up until 4am last night because I couldn’t sleep. But… it’s been a good day. So I think I’m okay.”
“Good,” she said with a nuzzle. “If you need me to make it even better, just let me know.” Oh, thank goodness I could blame this blush on the heat! Blackjack, meanwhile, stretched out on her stone and folded her forelegs under her head, watching me with one eye. I could take her offer. I could leave her offer. And she left all the choice up to me. Something that almost nopony had ever given me until I walked through the door at Star House.
I wasn’t sure that I was ready to take her offer. Well, not all of it anyway. I leaned forward and spread out my wings, which had gotten uncomfortably tight at the nuzzle. “Blackjack, one thing that is kinda bugging me still is something Glitter and Bubblegum found yesterday. I don’t know that they talked to you about it or not, but… for some reason, the Family has information on my dad,” I said, stretching out my left wing until the joint gave a satisfying pop.
“Well,” she answered after a moment, closing her eyes with a happy smile. “When we catch up with the Family, we can ask them. Nicely.” She paused and glanced at me. “Bullets count as nice, right?” she teased, not worried at all.
“I… would prefer to do more talking and less shooting. Unless Peculiar is there. I really don’t want him in my head a third time. Even once was too much,” I admitted, before lightly booping Blackjack’s snout with a wing.
Then she caught the end of my wing in her mouth and gave the tip a tiny nibble before releasing it. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Hubbuzwha?” I responded, trying desperately to focus on anything but the fire that radiated down my wing to the very core of my very being. I hadn’t had anypony touch my wings like that before, and… it wasn’t a bad experience. Just new, and warm, and I prayed that the hotspring covered up my blush.
“I’ll keep that in mind too,” she replied, her horn glowing and doing…. Something… to my wings. Like tiny little hooves massaging the muscles, and giving tiny telekinetic tugs to all of my pinions and flight feathers. It was an incredibly blissful experience, made better by the fact that she wasn’t physically touching me. Nothing could suppress my moan.
Was it quiet in here? I gasped and looked at Glitter, Dry, Callie, and Puddle Splasher all looking at us, the earth pony’s eyes wide in amusement as she covered her muzzle in her hooves. Glitter stared, then made a soft ‘ooooh’ and the other pair cuddled as if there was nothing better in the world. “That is SO adorable!” Puddle gushed.
For the second time in so many days, I contemplated whether or not a pony could spontaneously combust. Instead, I awkwardly splashed my way out of the water, grabbed my duster, and ran out of the cursed store and its horrible hot spring of debauchery. And as I trotted down the street, dripping wet, I heard a dry chuckle in my ear.
Fearful tears are running down The pain you’ve laid don’t speak a sound
Don’t take my heart away from me And they think I fell down… Again.
Jars of Clay - “He”
I hated the thought of spending the night in the motel room. After being thoroughly embarrassed by my reaction to… to what Blackjack did to my wings, I boiled with ugly self-loathing that left me hiding out on the rooftop on one of Fold’s taller buildings. I steadied my breath from the flight up and curled up on the hard concrete roof. Why? Why in the hells did I even bother trying? All that ever happened when I tried to get close to other ponies was the constant reminder that relationships caused pain.
Embarrassment.
Fear.
Other ponies might want the attention of others, but… not me. It was like getting a spotlight shone upon each and every one of my innumerable inadequacies. It was a reminder of how, in every way, I was a damaged heartmender. Somepony who hid behind her dysfunction and fear and could never have any hope of a normal relationship. No wonder I was so attractive to Blackjack! I was exactly her kind of fucked up!
And yet regardless she and so many others care about you, Threnody. An irritatingly resilient little voice whispered gently in my head. Great. Now my own thoughts were being nice to me. What was with this crap?! I looked up at the golden sky, watching it begin to gently fade as the day burned down to its last embers. I tried to calm the storm that raged through me, but it refused to abate with the dying light.
Rage.
I was livid with Blackjack for what she did. Upset at myself for the mortifying way I reacted. Angry at the Mayor for‒
I cut that thought off like a glacier cleaving into the sea. No. I was not thinking about her! She wasn’t part of this! She was far away, and she couldn’t get me! Fearful tears ran down my cheeks as I took flight again. My wing burned as I clawed for altitude.
I had to get up high. High was safe. High up was safety, where nothing could get to me.
A stitch seared to life in my side as I made it up to the lowest hanging clouds. There, I collapsed in a wheezing winded heap upon their soft cottony surface. Once the burning in my lungs had died down enough for me to think, I realised with surprise just how high I was. I was never allowed to fly up this high, but… I needed to get away. The ground hurt to be on. Better to stay up here where nopony could reach me.
I sat ensconced in my tiny sanctuary as the sky bled into orange, then red, then eventually faded into a cool blueish black as the stars came out. Rolling onto my back, I looked up and marvelled at Luna’s masterpiece.
It was cold, being up in the clouds. But it was a comforting chill that came as the night breeze lightly blew my cottony perch above the sleepy town of Fold. Up here I could feel my worries drain away and soak into the cloud I rested on. It'd probably find me and rain on me later, but right now, I felt... tranquil.
I reached up toward a constellation I recognized, and curled my hoof around it in an attempt to cradle the brightest star. I didn’t want to go back down. I was a pegasus. We were supposed to be creatures of the sky! High above all the problems of the world!
But that was no way to live. The Enclave had tried that, and when it didn’t work out for them, they tried to destroy the world below. They destroyed my home in the process. I was just a filly at the time. I didn’t know that the name of the event was “Operation Cauterize.” All I knew was that my mom grabbed me up in her magic, and ran with me on her back as a massive skyship rained green fire down upon Friendship City – the only place it’d ever really felt right to call home. Days later, we were in Junction City – then Junction Town – and… life got weird.
I shook my head. No. I wasn’t like them. I needed to be down on the ground. I was a groundborn pegasus. The fillies and colts in Junction City may have made fun of me for being a ‘dirt roller,’ but even though as it hurt, I liked the ground as much as the sky. And I wasn’t about to let foalish jibes get in the way of me enjoying both.
Groaning, I rolled off of my cloud and began a slow, spiralling glide down toward Fold. Being in the sky didn’t solve my problems. Looking at Luna’s night didn’t fix my hurts. But… it did give me space.
Sometimes space could be more healing than any heartmender’s words.
The next two days passed in a blur of intense tedium. Sandalwood and Slate wanted me to help out with the negotiations between the townsponies and the Followers, which meant long hours spent at excruciatingly boring meetings that none of us really wanted to have. Well, except for maybe Sandalwood and Blue Belle. The two unicorns were perfectly content to chitter away about how the Followers could best help Fold. Meanwhile Slate, Blackjack, Basalt Breaker, and I passed mouth-written notes to one another about how bored we all were. Solidarity was there, too, offering a word on Stable 9’s interests in the region. Even he seemed pretty well and done with the meetings after about the first thirty minutes.
All said, the time spent with Sandalwood and Slate after the meetings was nice. They had lots of questions about my adventures with Blackjack, even though I hadn’t been gone from the Hoof for more than a week or so. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I revelled the attention from the pair just a little bit. For once, it didn’t feel like I was on display for everypony to look at; it was just those two. I felt like I was the centre of the pair’s world for a little while. It was something that should have made me want to run and hide, but it felt… good?
Sandalwood and Blackjack agreed to keep an eye on my eating, much to my chagrin. I had to get accustomed to eating three meals a day, as well as a snack at Glitter Bomb’s oh-so-helpful recommendation. Frustratingly, Blackjack practically wonderglued herself to me for at least an hour after meals, so I couldn’t go get rid of it like normal. So I just had to deal with feeling like an overfilled waterskin.
Evening at the end of the second day again found me sitting on my cloud at sunset. I could tell coming up here was going to become a habit. Nopony could follow me, though the look Blackjack gave me when I explained my whereabouts was the most guilt-inducing mix of mild horror and sadness. I was fairly certain that this wasn’t the same cloud I’d rested on the first night, but it was soft all the same, if a bit cool, and gave me the space to unwind for the day.
Which of course was why Dealer decided to announce his presence with the shuffling of cards.
“I was enjoying myself up here,” I muttered as the shade filtered into view. “I haven’t lied, and it’s almost been a week.”
Dealer didn’t have enough flesh left on his face to smirk, but I could hear it in his voice. “No, you ain’t lied. Right element of honesty, you are,” he said, shuffling those damn cards. “But there’s still another day left.”
I glared at him, and pulled a bit of the cloud up, forming a pillow that I could rest my chin on.
“And?” I asked, waiting for him to launch into some long tirade about the failings of mortals.
He eyed me with an empty socket. “I’m reminding you that the future is always unwritten, Threnody. To think that you know how tomorrow will go is folly. Ponies always thought they were masters of time. Maybe they are. I was right tickled by that little time travel spell Starswirl cooked up. But what they learned was that playin’ with time and possibility is a fool’s game. Are you going to keep rollin’ those bones?” he asked.
I opened my mouth to answer, then closed it as I thought. Was this a trick?
“I don’t know,” I replied, frowning. “I’d like to think I won’t. But… I also know enough about pony psychology… and my own thought process to know that you’re probably right.” I poked at the cloud in front of me. “I mean… I expect that this cloud will hold me up. I expect that, because of my inner magic, I’m not about to fall to my death by sitting on it. But… that doesn’t mean that magic can’t fail. Maybe the sun won’t come up tomorrow for some reason. You’re right, the future is always changing. But what we can’t plan for, we adapt to. You don’t survive otherwise,” I said, tilting my head to the side. “Does that answer your question?”
Dealer was silent for a moment but for the constant shuffling of his cards. I found myself searching his face for something – anything really – that would give me a clue to his thoughts.
“What’s wrong, little heartmender? Can’t feel my mood?” he asked, a dusty chuckle breaking the tranquility of the night. “That bother you that you ain’t able to see straight through to the heart of me?”
“A little,” I admitted. “Even if I’m working with a pony stuffed with cybernetic enhancements, I can at least still read their face. With you...” I waved a hoof at his distinct lack of one. . “So yeah, I’m a bit unnerved. Besides all that, I’m talking to a spirit who very much isn’t just in my head. Like Blackjack said, grade A weird.”
“I’d bet even the one pony who could understand such beings don’t,” he said, looking out across the starlit sky. “But that ain’t for y’all to reckon with.” He managed the equivalent of a grim smile. “So don’t you worry none about it.”
Between his grin and his reassurance, my calm took a few shotgun blasts at close range. “Why are you saying these things to me, Dealer? What do you want from me?”
“Shouldn’t you’ve asked that before you took my bet?” he asked, holding up a card for me to see. ‘The Fool.’ Only this time, the happy go-lucky pegasus was me.
I let my ears droop. “Probably, but… You said the clock was ticking. You said I had–”
“Did I ever say what it was for? Did I actually threaten you or your friends?” he asked, leaning back and putting his forehooves behind his head. “Ain’t my style. I just knew you was one that I could wind up. I wanted to see what you did when feelin’ forced to make a decision.” He held another card above The Fool. The Ace of Swords. “You chose interestingly, I might add.”
“Her card felt hot.”
“Oh?” The shade leaned forward. “Hot?”
“Yeah. Hot. Like, when I held up my hoof to point at them, if my hoof was near Blackjack’s card, it felt warmer. What does that mean?”
“Everything. Nothing at all. What do you think it means?”
I frowned, pinning my ears back. Well, that was completely unhelpful. “I don’t know what it means, Dealer. I wouldn’t’ve asked you if I thought I knew!”
“Yet you’re trusting me that I’d give you a straight answer? Hell of a gamble there, little one.”
“No, I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you,” I muttered, drawing a chuckle out of Dealer. “But you know more than you let on, and I asked on the off chance you’d give me a hint.”
“For a race so in touch with magic, ponies always seem to want to know the ending before you get to it,” he muttered, shuffling his deck before holding the cards out in a fan in front of me. “Fine, take a pick. Three of them. That’s your hint.”
I skewed an ear to the side. “If I pick, how badly is this going to screw me over in the future?”
“I thought you just agreed that you can’t know what the future truly holds.”
“I did, but that doesn’t mean I can’t freak about all the possibilities of things that could go horribly wrong!”
The shade chuckled dryly, “I ain’t sure if it’s prudence that gives you that outlook, or if yer just sour.”
“Bit of both.”
“Well, then if I’m just giving you a little hint, why not pick a few cards?”
I sighed. Maybe he would leave me alone if I just picked a darned card. My hoof slid over the fanned out deck.
“That one,” I said, feeling that familiar warmth settling on the bottom of my hoof as I passed over the deck. Dealer laid it down in front of me.
The card depicted the ruins of a city on a mountain cliff. I’d never seen anything like that city before. I could make out a set of Raptors hovering near it, however, and the green disintegration cannon fire streaming from them into the ruins . A lone light shone from the highest edifice in the doomed city. I frowned down at it.
“The Tower?” I said, reading the name at the bottom.
“The Tower. Pick another.”
Again, my hoof passed over the fanned out deck. I nearly reached the end of it before finding another warm one. Dealer flipped it over. Fluttershy sat next to a stream at twilight, while a single star shone in the sky, giving the card its name: The Star. I looked up at Dealer, searching for an explanation.
“One more,” he said simply.
Sighing, I found the last card near the middle of the deck. It was a strangely uncomplicated card, with Princess Celestia’s cutie mark on it. The words on the bottom read ‘The Sun.’
“Okay, I played your game. Now what does it mean?”
“Always with the questions. Is the journey to get there not good enough for you?”
“Dealer…” I realised just who I was trying to argue with. “Okay, fine. Whatever, you gave me a set of cards. My hoof felt hot for all of them. I guess I will just take that hint and go.”
“It’s amusing to me that I show you the most basic form of divination that ponies once used to foresee the future, and I seem to have found the one filly that don’t know squat about it!”
“I’ve never read a book about it!” I squeaked. “And spirits and mysticism and other things have never been really my forte. I’m a heartmender. That’s what I know. Broken ponies and how to mend them.”
“And being a heartmender doesn’t involve some mysticism?” Dealer asked, leaning close enough to me that I could smell his sepulchral breath. “So funny that a pony is perfectly fine chalkin’ things up to magic, but when spirits get involved, that’s when things get ‘weird’ for you,” he said with another of his disturbing smiles.
I frowned. He did have a point there. “Okay, fine. I guess you’ve got me.”
“That’s all I wanted to hear,” he said as he tipped his cowpony hat to me, before evanescing with the cool night breeze.
Sandalwood pulled me aside the next morning.
“Threnody, I would like to have Caledonia look you over,” she said, lowering her voice to just above the lower limit of my hearing range. “You know I’m worried about your eating, but I want to make sure that nothing else is going on with you.”
I frowned. “She’s not going to poke and prod me like Triage did, right?” I asked, not looking forward to the idea of another doctor’s visit. Sandalwood shook her head. “No. I was planning on just fitting you with your pipbuck, and having her take readings off of it. No poking. No prodding. Just reading what the biomonitor says.”
I gave her a dubious look. “And nothing else?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.
Sandalwood sighed.
“There’s an outside chance you’ll need some immunizations. Would a lollipop be a sufficient bribe for you?” she teased, giving me a serious look as her emotions bubbled brightly under her taciturn exterior.
I rolled my eyes. “No, but throw in a Cherry Sparkle~Cola and I’ll definitely consider it.”
Maybe it was because she wanted to see me put on weight. Maybe it was the pouty expression I gave her when she said ‘I’ll think about it’ the first time, but I got my soda.
Callie and Dry Clean Only had done a wonderful job converting the old herb shop into a clinic. Where there had once been old displays and dusty furniture now sat a couple of examination beds and privacy dividers that the alicorns had found Celestia only knows where. One of the dividers was decorated with old, tattered sheets with rocket ship and star motifs. A rather well-loved looking teddy bear with a bandaid on its forehead sat in a chair within the small space. The sight brought a smile to my face as I realised that it was probably Glitter Bomb’s suggestion. She wanted Callie to set up a space for foals at the clinic.
Dry Clean Only greeted us as we entered. “Good morning, you two. Threnody, if you’ll take a seat on any of the benches, we’ll get this over with quickly and painlessly.”
“I like the last part the most, Dry,” I said, trotting over to take a seat on the table in the ‘foals’ space. It wasn’t much, but somehow it made me feel a little more at ease with the idea of having some sort of weird scan done through my pipbuck.
Sandalwood trotted over, the device trailing behind in her cool brown magic.
“Leg please, dear,” she said.
I took a sip from the soda bottle I held in my left wing and held out my right foreleg. Confusion rippled over Sandalwood’s features before she shook herself and closed the clasp around my right leg.
“What?” I asked around the straw.
“Oh, it’s nothing, Threnody. I just thought it odd that you wanted your pipbuck on your dominant hoof,” she replied.
“But that’s not my dominant hoof,” I snorted, waggling my left hoof. “I’m left hooved. If I had it on my left hoof that’d feel weird.”
Sandalwood pursed her lips. “I didn’t mean to presume, Threnody. It’s just unusual to see ponies that are left hooved is all.”
“You aren’t going to say I’m the daughter of Nightmare Moon because of it, are you?”
Sandalwood laughed brightly. It was one of her genuine laughs, which she’d shown more since our talk a few nights ago. “No. I was just pointing it out because it confused me for a moment. Nothing more, nothing less.”
I looked down at her pipbuck on her left foreleg. “I mean, it’s just as weird for me to see it on you. It looks like it’s on the wrong side!”
Sandalwood rubbed her left foreleg just below the pipbuck. “I… guess I can see why you might have gotten a little upset about that, Threnody. Honestly, dear, I didn’t mean anything.”
“I know,” I said with a smirk. “I just wanted to tease you a little.”
Callie’s big green head poked around the corner. The alicorn held up a small chalk board that read ‘all ready?’
I nodded. “As I’ll ever be, Miss Callie. Come on in!”
Callie smiled and set the chalkboard down on the chair where the teddy bear sat. With her magic, she levitated a cord out from her pipbuck and connected it to mine. I noticed that her pipbuck version had a larger screen on it.
“Is that a different model?” I asked, looking between my right leg and her left.
Callie nodded, then turned to Sandalwood who translated.
“Callie says that she has a Delta-M model. It was one of the pipbucks that the Followers found in the ruins of the Fluttershy Medical Centre’s basement. It’s got a bigger screen, and has a lot more information that it can show about a patient’s health if it’s connected to another pipbuck,” she explained.
“Oh, well, um, carry on.”
Callie clicked slightly as she tapped the buttons on her pipbuck. I watched the screen’s light flicker in her eyes before she froze, then clicked to Sandalwood.
“Wait what?” Sandalwood asked. She leaned over to look at Callie’s pipbuck, raising her eyebrows. “Oh. Oh dear. No wonder she doesn’t feel well a large amount of the time!”
“What? What is it?” I asked.
“What have you been doing out in the wasteland, Threnody?” Sandalwood asked, looking me up and down in a manner that made me distinctly uncomfortable.
“Uh, wandering?” I replied, not sure what she was looking for.
Sandalwood gave me a disapproving look before turning back to the screen. “Well, we’ll have to get that taken care of right away! Although, are you sure those readings are correct, Callie?”
Callie clicked her tongue before poking at the buttons on the pipbuck.
“Threnody, would you be a dear and take a sip of your soda for us?” Sandalwood asked sweetly.
I frowned at her, but did as I was told. The alarmed expression on the adult ponies didn’t do well to calm my slowly rising levels of anxiety.
“Well that’s not good!” Sandalwood mused.
Oh goddesses I was dying, wasn’t I!? I braced myself and moved to take a sip from the straw I had in the bottle of the cherry Sparkle~Cola, only to find it was hanging in Sandalwood’s magic. “Hey! What gives?!”
“Sparkle~Cola is mildly radioactive. You’re poisoning yourself, and you don’t even know it!” she chided, placing a bag of rad-away in the wing that formerly held my soda. “Drink this, and then we’ll talk about your soda drinking!”
“But it tastes like rotten oranges mixed with the worst parts of medicine and cancer!” I whined.
“It prevents you from getting cancer,” Sandalwood shot back. “No arguments, and no soda until it’s all gone!” She shook her head. “Leave it to Blackjack to forget that us mortal ponies are not immune to radiation poisoning! While I know that cola helps you keep your calorie count up, Threnody, I worry that she’d let you drink it all day every day until you were throwing up blood!”
I sighed and started sipping on the gross tasting rad-away as Callie continued to check me over. She clicked her tongue a few times, then tugged slightly on my left hoof, giving me a quizzical look. I started as she touched me, and glared at Sandalwood. This was supposed to be prodding free!
Does it hurt anymore? A surprisingly soft voice whispered in my mind, breaking me out of my irritation with Sandalwood for a moment. There is still a rather large fracture in the lamina. Callie asked me telepathically.
“It doesn’t hurt as badly anymore. Not since Blackjack healed it,” I replied, trying to not gag as the taste of rotten oranges slid down my throat. Sweet Luna, that was foul!
I’m sorry that Rad-Away tastes so bad. Callie’s voice whispered. And I apologise for not talking to you directly earlier. It’s… much easier for me to talk to alicorns and unicorns. It doesn’t give me a headache if I talk too much to them.
“Oh, I…” I frowned. “No, don’t put yourself out, Callie. Sandalwood seems to be okay with translating for you.”
The mute alicorn smiled gratefully at me, and continued to tap at the buttons on her pipbuck before frowning again. She looked to Sandalwood and clicked her tongue a few times. Sandalwood nodded, and again the pair exchanged significant glances. It made me wish that I could tune into the telepathy that Callie used to communicate with alicorns and unicorns. Sandalwood’s horn glowed a few times, which I assumed signalled her responding.
“Can you two not talk about me in magic-ese while I’m in the same room?” I asked, having finished the rad-away.
When Sandalwood met my eyes, I could tell something was wrong. I’d never felt her emotional shields come up so fast and strong before. I pushed lightly against them, not liking the feeling of being kept out, but she shook her head. Her horn glowed a few more times as Callie’s hoof gesticulated toward me.
“Okay, seriously, that’s not funny, you two,” I said as the pair continued their psychic conversation. Sandalwood’s emotions blanked, but Callie… Callie was a maelstrom of concern, worry, and a few other feelings that flew about too quickly for me to name.
Sandalwood nodded sagely to the mare, never breaking out of the mask that us heartmenders tend to wear when something very bad had happened, and we were trying not to react to it.
“Sandalwood… you’re like, seriously disturbing my calm,” I said, my voice cracking to a squeak. Why weren’t they saying anything?
Callie tilted her pipbuck so Sandalwood could see it, then gestured toward me again. Sandalwood’s emotional shields flickered, and worry bled through the cracks.
A million different things went through my head. I had cancer. I was dying. Clearly, I was dying. That was the only reason they would be so upset. Why wouldn’t they just tell me and get it over with!?
I slammed my hoof down on the table. “Dammit, Sandalwood. Fucking talk to me!” I shrieked, realising after the fact that it probably sounded a bit more petulant than I intended. But the silence, the gesturing, and the secrets were getting to me.
“Threnody…” She trailed off and looked at Callie. The big green mare’s sadness pooled around her hooves.
“What?!” I shouted, stress and frustration billowing out of me.
Sandalwood looked helplessly between Callie and I, and every time our eyes met, her shields couldn’t hide the pain.
“This is… incredibly awkward for me to ask…” she started, her accent starting to slip back into that clipped upper Manehattan dialect that that I would have normally found endearing, but right now was the last thing I wanted to hear.
“Spit it out then!” I snapped. I wasn’t in the mood for her slipping into her Tenpony Tower self. “What is it?”
Sandalwood opened her mouth then closed it. Swallowing, she took a step forward, and placed her right hoof gently over my left hoof. “Callie found some things with the scan. Threnody, I have a few questions for you, ones I completely understand if you don’t want to answer right away, but…”
I pulled my hoof back from her and scooted back from the edge of the exam bed. “Sandalwood… what… what are you…?” I stammered.
The strawberry roan mare looked down at her hooves, refusing to meet my eyes. “Threnody, we need to give you a more extensive exam than I’d originally thought.”
“Like hell you do!” I screamed, flaring my wings out behind me. “I agreed to this because you said you wouldn’t have to touch me, Sandalwood! Not that I don’t trust Callie, but I powerfully hate being touched!”
“Threnody, this is a completely normal med–”
“I don’t give a fuck if it’s normal!” I shouted at her. “Where does she want to touch me? Where does she want to check me over? I don’t want to be some freak show or piece of meat to be cut open and examined again and again and again!”
Sandalwood and Callie both recoiled slightly from my outburst, but I wasn’t backing down. I said no touching. I didn’t want to be touched. I had a feeling that I knew where Callie wanted to examine, and I wasn’t going to let her anywhere near there!
“Threnody, she wants to look at your side,” Sandalwood said softly.
My side? Why did she want to look at my side? Sure, my right side still hurt a lot, but that was normal! It had only been a few weeks since the radscorpion stung me!
“My side is fine!”
“Threnody, stop being such a child!” Sandalwood snapped.
I froze as I stared at her. There it was. That’s what I had been waiting for. I knew that another hoof was going to drop.
Sandalwood took a step back. “Threnody… I… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I’m pretty sure you did,” I shot back cooly, before sitting up. “Fine, where did Callie want to look? Tell me and I’ll let you know if it’s okay.”
Sandalwood pursed her lips, then looked at Callie. “She wants to see your side. Just your side,” she said gently.
I glared at her, but then lifted my right foreleg to make it easier to move my duster out of the way.
Sandalwood’s cool brown magic tugged up the corner of my duster, and she let out a low hiss through her lips. A large black spot sat in front of the point of my hip. Something I’d been desperately ignoring since I’d noticed it the night I took a bath with Puddle.
“Threnody, that’s… not a good thing to ignore,” she chided. “That has to be painful, and it really should be more closely examined to make sure there isn’t more–”
“More what? Damage? Who cares?!” I said sharply. “Yeah, it hurts. But do you know what? Most everything about me hurts in some way or another! I’ve been in pain since I was little. That’s just a normal part of my life!”
Sandalood took in a sharp breath. “Since you were little?” she asked, visibly wilting in front of me as Callie dipped her head low. “Threnody, you have extensive vaginal and cervical scarring. Have you been pregnant before?” she asked as her body tightened like hoarfrost.
I barked out a harsh laugh. “No! That’s silly, Sandalwood! I’ve never… I’ve never had a heat or a period. Why would you think that I would... I’d be pregnant?”
“Because I don’t like the other possibilities of things that would cause that kind of scarring,” she replied with agonised tenderness. “Threnody, if you’ve… If…”
Dammit. Why were my eyes suddenly so wet? “Can we not talk about this?” I asked, curling my tail around my hooves as I pulled my wings tight around myself.
“Threnody, sweetheart–”
“Don’t call me that! Don’t do that to me, Sandalwood! If I’m not supposed to treat you like a heartmender, then I don’t want you treating me the same way! Don’t think I can’t feel that wall you put up!”
Callie clicked her tongue awkwardly, before quickly ducking out of the small divided room. The alicorn’s magic opened the door as she slipped out, but her emotions were all sadness roiling with regret.
Sandalwood finally met my eyes as the door to the clinic clicked closed, leaving the two of us damningly alone. My abused ears throbbed at the sudden silence in the shop as Sandalwood stepped forward. She levitated the teddy bear out of the way, and sat down in the chair next to me, which brought her to eye level with me.
“Threnody, with that kind of scarring… combined with the damage to your ovary caused by the radscorpion attack…” she trailed off, biting her lip as tears welled at the corners of her eyes.
“What are you saying, Sandalwood?”
“Threnody, the odds of you ever having foals of your own is… extremely small. You have severe scarring to your cervix, which is why it’s probably a good thing that you’ve not yet started any sort of reproductive cycle. When they come, they will hurt. And that’s not the only thing.” Sandalwood took a small breath, which gave me just enough time to ask a question.
“When will they come?” I couldn’t help but ask. I already hurt a lot, I didn’t need more pain showing up on a monthly basis.
For a moment, Sandalwood relaxed, giving me a maternal smile. “We don’t know when that will happen, Threnody. But you’re fourteen. They should have started a while ago, but it could be tomorrow for all I know. Even Callie couldn’t tell you that, sweetheart,” she said.
“Oh,” I replied. “What else were you going to say before I interrupted you?” I asked, feeling the slightest bit foalish.
Sandalwood took in a breath that was clearly meant to centre herself. “Triage was wrong. Or rather I think she was optimistic when she gave you a prognosis at the medical centre. The radscorpion’s poison appears to have nearly… for lack of a better term, destroyed your right ovary and fallopian tube. That combined with the severe scarring makes it highly likely that you’re infertile. I need you to let Callie treat your injury so that… so that nothing worse happens, darling.”
I don’t know how long I stared at Sandalwood. It felt like hours, as her words wormed their way painfully through my consciousness. How much more did I have to lose? Seriously? I knew what caused that scarring. I could guess exactly which objects probably caused it. My breath came in slow, hitching breaths in and out.
“I’m sorry.”
Why?!
My everything felt numb. I couldn’t feel my hooves, or my nose, or my ears. I couldn’t name any particular emotion that I was feeling at the moment. Just… nothing.
“Threnody? Honey, I need to know what you’re feeling right now,” Sandalwood said gently. She would make a good mom with a voice like that.
I never would.
“I’m fine,” I lied.
Lying is surprisingly easy to fall back into.
Are you going to be okay? Yeah, sure. Ignore the fact that on the inside I feel hollow.
Do you want to talk about it? No, not really. It’s drowning me, but I don’t know what to do or what to say.
Is there anything we can do to support you? Really Sandalwood, I’m fine. Please hold me until I start crying and don’t let go until the tears stop!
I didn’t remember most of the day. I remember eating, because I felt ugly and bloated again. I can vaguely picture Callie looking over my side, and because I still have a scar from where she lanced the blackened flesh. I recognize that the images of watching the ichor slowly draining out of my flank weren’t just a dream. I might have gone to another stupid meeting, though that point of my memory was lost in a series of muddied conversations. I never picked up a pen to pass notes. I must have turned in early, because that’s when Blackjack came to check on me. I was lying on my left side, staring at the wall when I heard the door to our room creak open.
“I’m fine,” I said, trying to sound like I had some energy left in me. Any life at all really, though I could tell that the words rang as hollow as I felt.
“Right. Fine,” she said. When I didn’t reply, she added, “I’m fine too, thanks for asking. I’m fine. You’re fine. Everything’s fine.” She sat down next to my bed, back to the wall. “Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine...” I caught her glancing at me out of the corner my eye. “You’re okay too, of course. Okay and fine. Fine and okay. Okie. Dokie. Lokie.”
“Blackjack.” I raised my head to look at her. “Not. Funny.” She adopted a hurt pout. “Not even a little bit funny?” She held up her hooves a millimeter apart. “Not even this much?” “No,” I muttered. “Not even a little bit. You’re being a pest.”
“I excel at being a pest. I learned from Rampage,” she said as she looked up at the ceiling. Then she clapped her forehooves on her hind legs. “Okay. I’m ready. Make with the heartmendering. Ask me anything, doc. Soothe my troubled soul and ease my tormented heart.” She paused and screwed up her face a little. “Those sound like song lyrics.”
I let out a sigh. “Blackjack, like…” I trailed off. Part of me was saying ‘hey, she’s willing to talk, engage her!’ But the other half of me was still lying insensate on that table in the clinic. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk to another heartmender about this?” I asked. “I’m… I don’t know if I’m gonna be the most helpful right now.”
“You’re my heartmender, Thren. I will accept. No. Substitutes,” she stated firmly as she settled in with a smile. “Hit me with something. Anything. I can take it.” She glanced at me again, her red eyes... soft. Not probing into me like Sandalwood or Callie. She was giving me a chance to get out of myself by playing in her own issues.
“Blackjack, did you ever have kids?” I asked.
I honestly couldn’t remember from her notes. I hated that despite the two weeks worth of knowing each other, I'd not sought to know her more intimately. All I had to go with was that stupid assessment Cinnamon wrote.
I felt her take the hit. The question hurt, like a knife to the side, and yet she didn’t wince. Her eyes turned upwards again. “Kinda. I... P-21 got with me back when we were mixed up with the Society. Before the skies blew up.” She gave a half smile. “I was the only mare he could stand to be with. I mean, he slept with Glory that night too. But he was pretty drunk at the time,” she sighed wistfully, but there was a current of pain that coursed beneath that sigh.
“Also, really, really good. Like... not just the sex. Like... he was just... good. Like I’m trying to be right now.” She closed her eyes. “Found out I was pregnant when they were cutting off my face. Had a choice right then to keep them or not. I chose to keep them. Six months later, they were transferred to Grace via a surrogacy spell. So I guess, kinda? But I’m no mother.”
I rolled onto my stomach and looked down at her. “Wait. Princess… you mean that Bouillotte and Baccarat are your foals?” I asked, feeling like my eyes must be the size of saucers.
“Yup. Good kids. Good mom,” she said as she opened her eyes. The sour milk stink of regret rolled off her. “I’m Twilight Sparkle’s descendant. If the Twilight Society found out about them, I know they wouldn’t be safe. Besides, I pissed off a lot of ponies. There’d be plenty that would be happy to take revenge on Security through her kids.”
I felt my face twist slightly at the mention of ‘good kids.’ The last bit of humour left in me dried up as I realised the predicament she had. She didn't have many options but to stay away from the twins.
“I… was going to say that, having seen the little monsters, it kind of explained a lot,” I deadpanned. “But I guess that’s… it’s probably not been easy for you to know that they’re just a few miles away, but you can’t… really see them.”
“Yeah,” she said, closing her eyes. “Maybe when they’re older I might introduce myself. Or Grace might tell them. But not right now. Right now they’re being kids, being a family, growing up... doing all the things that most kids don’t get in the wasteland.”
“She’s a lot like you,” I said, pulling the Scootaloo plushie out of my saddlebags. “She didn’t even want to play with this cutie!”
“If she’s a lot like me, I guarantee you she did. She just didn’t want anyone to see her playing with it,” she said as she levitated my plushie and pulled it to her, giving it a hug. “I hope she’s not too much like me. I did some really messed up things. Fortunately, she has her brother. If there’s anything of his father in him, he’ll keep her true, I’ve no doubt.”
She gave it one more squeeze and then returned Scootaloo to me.
“He does. Though I do remember them getting scolded by the Princess a few times while I worked in Elysium. The phrase ‘proper ladies do not behave like that’ was a frequent remark made to her,” I said with a chuckle.
“Yeah. I don’t think the Sparkle family got any ‘lady’ genes,” she replied. “Mad scientists, security guards, roaming lunatics, sure.” She paused, and her expression turned horrified. “Oh, I wish I hadn’t thought that.”
“Twilight Sparkle wasn’t a mad scientist. She just wanted to help. And you’re not exactly a roving lunatic,” I countered. “I mean, you dress like a murder hobo, but that doesn’t make you one, Blackjack.”
“It was more the thought of Bouilotte following in my hoofprints. Suddenly I want her to become a dentist. A nice, safe dentist that doesn’t have to deal with raiders or megaspells or crazy AIs stealing their bodies.”
Well, she had me there. “I can see why you’d probably not want that for her. I…” I wouldn’t want that for my foals. If I could have any. I shook my head. “She’ll probably be a fairly spunky princess for the Society. Or she’ll abdicate, put her brother in charge, then boss him around like she knows what she’s doing.”
“Or Grace might have children of her own. She’s not too old for that,” Blackjack said with a shrug. “I’m not sure if she can though. That attack to her spine did a lot of damage. And I can’t have kids with this stupid blank body so–” she paused. “Threnody? Why do you have that look on your face? Like I’m stabbing you?”
I froze. Then I remembered that Blackjack’s vision was not based on movement. No matter how still I was, she was going to keep giving me that concerned look.
“I… thought you’d probably talked to Sandalwood already. That’s… why you came to bother me,” I admitted, curling up around Scootaloo.
“Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a heartmender. She doesn’t tell me about the nitty gritty of your life unless it’s pillow talk,” she said with a worried smile.
I curled up tighter around Scootaloo. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to deal with it. But… I wanted someone to ask. And now Blackjack was asking and I wasn’t allowed to lie–
“SWEET MOTHER LUNA FUCK ME WITH THE MOON!” I shouted, realising that I had lost the bet earlier today with Dealer. Of course I’d lost the bet! It was just what I needed on top of everything else. I looked up at Blackjack, who was looking at me like I’d lost every single one of my few remaining marbles.
She had the wisest, most sage, most appropriate response to this outburst, and that was to stare at me blankly and go, “Uhhhh...huh?”
So I broke down. “I lied. I lied to Sandalwood today because I don’t know how the fuck I am supposed to feel about what she and Callie told me,” I pointed to the bandage on my right side. “That radscorpion that got me? Apparently I should have followed up about it. I ignored the fact that my side has been hurting really, really bad. Apparently now it’s completely screwed up my filly parts. Add on top of that what I went through in Junction City apparently scarred me inside. I probably won’t get pregnant. The chances are too slim. I don’t know how... to feel about any of this. I was scared to have foals before. But now that I know it’s next to impossible? It hurts... It hurts so little that I don’t even… I don’t… I can’t…” I trailed off as tears welled over and began running down my cheeks.
I wanted to just feel the pain. But the part of me that felt it the most was still lying on that exam table in Callie’s clinic.
A hoof gently stroked my mane.
“Damn... that sucks,” she said as she patted me gently. “I won’t say it’s okay, or fine. It’s not. It’s a door closing, and nobody likes those. But it’s also not the end of you having a family. You don’t have to give birth to raise children. You can be a mom to someone that’s not your child. That’s what Lacunae did for me. She was my mom when I needed one, even if she wasn’t perfect.”
“I… feel like I’m drowning, Blackjack. I know that it doesn't mean that I'll never have a family. I know that intellectually, but… yeah. The… the door-closing feeling. I just… I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with that. I know you don’t know either, but… right now it just… it really hurts.” I uncurled myself from around Scootaloo, grabbed Blackjack’s hoof, and curled up around that. I needed something to tether me to the real world. Even if the contact hurt. “It hurts a lot. And I feel like it’s my fault.”
“You breathe in. Breathe out. Eat. Drink. Sleep. Shit. That’s how you live. Coping with it is the real trick. I’m still trying to figure that one out,” she said as she pulled me into an embrace. I suppressed a hiccuping sob as I realised that she would have been a good mom for Bouillotte and Baccarat, no matter what she said. “And it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’m the one that dragged you on a quest when you should have been following up on that sting. I just assumed you’d walked it off, that it wasn’t a problem anymore.”
I shook my head as self-blame trickled into Blackjack’s being. “No. You couldn’t’ve known, Blackjack. And there’s a part of you that knows that. I should have said something. I should have let somepony actually look me over, cause I noticed that it wasn’t looking so hot a few days ago, but pain and I are old friends, so I just… accepted it as normal. Do you know what I mean?”
“Yeah, Thren. I know. I know,” she murmured, nuzzling my ears. “So if I say it’s not your fault, and you say it’s not my fault... Why don’t we split the difference and say it’s neither of ours? It just sucks, and I’m sorry you’re hurting right now, and I can’t make it go away.”
I swallowed, wiping my eyes with the back of a hoof.
“You have a lot of pains that don’t really go away either, Blackjack. I’m sorry. I’m pretty sure I’m kind of the weirdest heartmender you’ve ever had. I think you hear more about me than I hear about you.” I took a deep breath, then shook myself. “I think Sandalwood wants to send me home,” I added, trying to stamp down the pain and hurt that rolled about in my chest.
“Good for her. What do you want to do?” Blackjack asked me.
I thought on that for a long moment. I didn’t want to go back to Elysium. I didn’t want to go back to the Hoof. I definitely didn’t want to go back to Junction City. It wasn’t that I couldn’t just… disappear in those places. But my friends were here. I had unanswered questions lingering about my dad. I wanted to stop the Family from destroying what ponies down south were trying to create. I wanted to meet the thirteenth heartmender who lived in Stable 9. The Family, Stable 9… all of those things were due northwest of Fold, out past the irradiated forest we’d seen marked on that map in Three Rivers.
I looked up at Blackjack, green eyes meeting warm red. “North. I want to go north.”
She regarded me with a silence that wasn’t part of her usual impulsive nature. She seemed to dwell on my request a moment, then nodded.
“Cool,” she said, our muzzles mere inches apart. “North it is.”
Chapter 17: Shenanigans, Harmony, and the Red Forest
Friends do not merely live in harmony, as some say, but in melody - David Thoreau
We set out to leave Fold two days later. Sandalwood threw a fit about it, and it had taken the combined efforts of Basalt, Blue Bell, Blackjack, Slate, Solidarity, and a call to Heartshine on the broadcaster, but they eventually talked her down enough that she grumpily relented and let us go. I trotted up to the waiting group of ponies, a smile on my muzzle for the first time in the past few weeks.
Glitter Bomb waved at me as I approached. “Are you ready for a trip?” she asked, bouncing lightly.
“She’d better be,” Bubblegum quipped as I nodded, “considering she was the one who wrangled us into this.”
I smirked at the stallion. “If I remember correctly, somepony, who shall remain nameless, spent most of the meeting with his ear pressed to the door. The very meeting where it was decided that the four of us would be the ambassadors of both the Followers and Fold to Stable 9. And that very somepony might have nearly crushed me with his massive body when he, Glitter, Puddle, and Hyacinth fell in when I suddenly opened said door.”
Crushed by his massive, firm, toned body. My goddesses.
He had the audacity to blush. “Well… I’m just saying…”
Glitter poked the stallion’s side. “You also ended up getting paid in aardvarks for this, right?”
I couldn’t help my head tilting in confusion as I mouthed ‘aardvark’ to Bubblegum, who nodded. “Yeah… I guess now that we’ve got a pair of alicorns out here, the courier alicorns are able to make the jump to Fold. Thimblestep ended up bringing a few caps to pay for my help inadvance of the journey to Stable 9.”
I frowned, but I also reminded myself that our friend was a consummate mercenary. Plus, he wasn’t the only pony to get paid. I’d missed a few stipend days, and with all of it now going to me, I had about a thousand more caps than I knew what to do with. Which, of course, meant that my saddlebags were now loaded up with travel essentials like preserved carrots, apples, and snack cakes. Oh! And a few Sparkle~Cola Cherry bottles that I snuck in under Sandalwood’s watchful nose.
...I did make sure to pack a few rad-aways with my medical supplies that now also weighed down my saddlebags. The fact that they hid the contraband soda had everything to do with my consummate organization and packing skills. And talents of hiding things from adults. At the very least, packing some of the cancer-tasting healing fluid that Sandalwood swore actually prevented the cancer inducing effects of radiation would at least help to avoid any unpleasant side effects from the imbibing of the oh-so-tasty ambrosia that was Cherry Sparkle~Cola. Seriously, if Sparkle~Cola was still in business, I would have tried out to be the poster filly for their cherry line.
“Threnody!” Slate called from behind me. I turned, and watched as he and a sulking Sandalwood trotted up the trail that led to Route 97, the road that would lead us north-northwest toward Stable 9. “Hey! I got something for ya!”
I turned as they joined the group of ponies gathering at the top of the hill. All at once, I felt Blackjack’s dark presence at my side. She didn’t say anything, but I could feel the anger she held within her, bubbling beneath the surface of her emotions. Slate ignored it entirely, but Sandalwood hung a little closer to Slate in light of it.
Slate stuck his muzzle into his saddlebags and pulled out, of all things, a wide brimmed hat.
“Solidarity said that you’d be travelling through the high desert,” he explained, sitting down in front of me. He shifted the hat in his forehooves. “Didn’t want you to give yourself heat stroke, so I uh…” In a moment of uncharacteristic vulnerability, he thrust the hat into my hooves. “I hope you like it.”
I smiled down at the stetson-styled hat, and struck a pose as I put it on my head.
“How do I look?” I asked Blackjack.
She tilted her head. “Huh,” came Blackjack’s response as she looked me over. “That’s what I was doing wrong! I had the barding. I had the guns. What I was missing was an awesome hat!”
The comment didn’t match her feelings, however, which churned and boiled deep inside her. I couldn’t quite sort out the turbulent mess of emotional flotsam that bubbled to the surface. Self consciousness overwhelmed me as I suddenly found something fascinating to peer at near my hooves.
Slate smiled. “I think it looks good on you,” he replied with a grin. “Makes you appear older than you are,”
I glanced up at him with an expression that blended confusion with reproach.
“That’s a good thing,” he deadpanned.
Sandalwood even managed a small smile. She let out a short sigh before speaking,
“It does suit you, Threnody. I just…” her eyes flashed to Blackjack, who stared back. “I want you to be safe. And please use your broadcaster to send us a wave. Heartshine says the SPP towers are in the area, and the Followers have all been linked in to their frequency,” she explained rapidly.
I nodded. “I can call you to check in. I just… won’t promise that I’ll do it every night.”
Sandalwood grit her teeth, eyes darting to Blackjack, but then nodded. “I… understand that.”
Slate hooked a foreleg across Sandalwood’s withers. Calm and affection gushed off of his leg and down Sandalwood’s side, like a hidden spring from a crack between desert boulders. I hadn’t seen either of them express their feelings so openly before. Sandalwood gave Slate a slightly surprised look as well. I still wasn’t sure whether or not she was blushing under her coat.
“We know you’ll be busy travelling, and probably will be too busy to call your folks at home,” Slate said, amusement splashing through his voice.
I returned his easy smile. “Thanks for being understanding, Slate. But I really will try to remember to check in at least every other night or so. That way you don’t worry too much, Sandalwood.”
The strawberry roan mare nodded. She still couldn’t suppress her frustration from surging and bubbling under the surface. The violent tide of emotions still reached my senses, and I looked away from her. It didn’t do much to quell the guilt welling up in me; I knew I was the cause, at least in part. I shook my head and looked over at Blackjack. “Shall we go gather the party?”
Blackjack turned and looked over at the small group where Bubblegum, Glitter, Puddle, Hyacinth, and Solidarity were waiting with Basalt Breaker.
“Gather the party? Can I be the Dark Knight?” she asked with a grin. “We’re going to need hay chips and Sparkle~Cola. Lots of Sparkle~Cola.”
“The what?” I asked, wracking my brain as Blackjack made an obscure reference that I had never encountered before.
Slate coughed. “Is…. is that an Ogres and Oubliettes reference?”
I was fairly certain I hadn’t read that book. “Oh. Who’s the author? Should I read it?”
“You’ve never played O&O?” Blackjack asked as she pointed her hoof at herself. “I’m the angsty dark knight Lady Nightrose Bloodtide.” Then she jabbed a hoof at the others. “That’s Prince Goldenbubble, Sparklewizard Lightsprite, the beautiful sorceress Amaranthine, the Savage Gem Barbarian Roaring Gorge, and...” She paused with her hoof on Solidarity. “Priest? Eh... someone’s got to play priest. You’re it.”
Hyacinth screwed up her face. “Should I be offended she made me the Barbarian?”
Glitter Bomb’s eyes, however, glowed like starfields.
“Spaaaaarkle wizaaaard!” she cried in glee.
“Uhhh....” was all I could say.
“And you, of course, are our sneaky rogue, the misunderstood and angsty Nightraven.” She patted my head. “You have her edgy duster and hat already.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Sandalwood asked bluntly, before turning to Slate. “This is your fault, you know. Lending her that silly game.”
Blackjack swept me up in her embrace, pointing a hoof dramatically ahead of her. “Onwards! To slay the Ochre Dragon of Stable 9!”
Humming some vaguely medieval tune, she started to march.
Everyone stared at her back as I pointed in the opposite direction. “Um... It’s that way, Blackjack.”
Without missing a beat, she whirled on her hoof and marched to the north.
“Dun dun da dunnn da da duuuuun!” she sang to herself dramatically, then quipped at our stares. “What, it’s not like Dark Knights get Navigation as a class skill.”
Solidarity looked at me, and then to Blackjack.
“This… is going to be a long trip…”
As we walked north along Route 97, I was becoming increasingly grateful for my hat. It was so… damned… hot! The temperature was soaring along the baked road, and even though the clock on my pipbuck told me it was barely eleven am, it felt like I was inside of an oven. Glitter had produced a lovely pre-war designed hat for herself from the depths of her tail, and everypony else in our party had deployed some kind of head covering.
“Kind of makes you wish for a–” Bubblegum’s mouth was snapped closed by Glitter’s purple magic, while Blackjack shot daggers at him from where she walked beside me.
“If you finish that sentence with balefire winter, so help me…” Oddly, she didn’t seem all that hot and bothered by the temperature. She wasn’t even sweating. Bitch.
Bubblegum gave us both a cheeky grin, but kept on trotting. The heat didn’t seem to be bothering him either, and in my half-baked state, that irritated me.
“I didn’t think that it’d get this warm this far north!” I whined aloud. “I thought the desert was more near New Pegas and New Appleloosa.”
Solidarity turned back to me, a bottle of water floating in his magic. “This area’s part of the high desert of Cascadia,” he explained, pointing toward the majestic Mount Hoof and Three Sirens mountains. “On the other side of them hills it’s green as can be. But back here… dry as old bones.”
I waited for just a moment, thinking I would hear Dealer’s dry chuckle, but he apparently wasn’t in the mood to bother me today.
“Why is that?” Glitter asked, trotting along.
“We’re in the mountain’s rain shadow,” Hyacinth piped up for the first time in what seemed like an hour.
She struggled in the oppressively dry heat, staggering on occasion in the pale doctor’s coat she’d opted to wear for the trek. Her wings drooped off of her back as we made our way down the dusty highway.
“All of the rain falls on the west side of the mountains, so to the east, there’s a natural desert” she explained, fanning herself with a wing. “That effect stops eventually, but… if I have my geography right, it doesn’t really start doing that until about halfway to Hoofington.”
“Yeah. Then you’d have rain, but it comes with a fifty percent chance of misery and death,” Blackjack added before pausing to scan the wasteland with her half-closed red eyes. “So, what sorts of things eat faces around here?”
“Faces?” Puddle asked, tilting her head to the side. “Uh… nothing?”
Hyacinth’s face fell, but it was Solidarity who answered for his daughter.
“Round here? Raiders. Maybe a pack of coyotes if they’re hungry enough and you’re alone. Real issues don’t start till you get toward the Red Forest. Though, in regards to Raiders, even they’re relatively rare.” He swung a hoof about. “We should keep an eye out, but this section of Equestria was sparsely populated pre-war. Post-war… there’s barely anything living out here at all.”
Bubblegum prodded at some patches of scrub grass growing on the side of the road. At least I think it was growing. “Yeah, this stuff’s dry as a bone and tastes like you’re eating a snack cake box. Not the cakes. The cardboard box.”
“What’s wrong with eating cardboard? One hundred percent of your daily fiber,” Blackjack opined.
“I mean, I don’t know if you’ve tried it, Blackjack,” Bubbles said, using her real name which got a queer look from the trio of Stable 9 ponies. “But when I ate it, it gave me the most horrible farts for a week. Though it was worse when I tried one of those ‘high fibre’ bars that the NCR was offering. I am pretty sure I qualified as a biohazard for a while,” he said with a grin.
Glitter shuddered, and so did I in memory of her past experiences with Cram.
“Your stomachs are weak,” Blackjack sniffed, and then frowned as she peered at the road up ahead. “What’s that?” she asked, pointing her shotgun
A strange crater had been gouged on the side of the road, perhaps twice Glitter’s height in depth and maybe fifty feet across. The concrete road jutted out over it in a crumbly ledge, as if it’d recently been exposed. Loose sand and rocks hissed down to the center of the conical depression.
Solidarity held up a hoof for us to pause, and we all did.
“Alright, you got me on that one, Fish,” he said as he studied the crater and its surroundings. “That weren’t there the last time we came through.”
“Are those guns down there?” Bubblegum asked as he pointed down at the center of the pit. Sure enough, someone had heaped up a pile of... well... stuff. Guns. Ammo. There were even some bottlecaps and bits. Just... lying in a pile at the bottom of the pit.
“Oh! We can get some supplies!” Puddle said, trying to trot forward before Solidarity caught her in his magic.
“Trap?” he asked in his accented monotone as he shot Blackjack a significant look.
“Bait,” she said as she scanned the scrub brush and grass around us. “Just... dunno for what.”
She walked right up to the very edge of the crater. Little clumps tumbled down into the pit towards the pile of loot at the bottom.
I trotted forward to get a look for myself. As I peered over the ledge, I came to full view of the pit. Almost conical in shape, it looked steep enough to be an ordeal for somepony to get out, unless they were a flyer or an earth pony. Getting out would be a real chore for a unicorn, or a pegasus with a bum wing.
“What is that?” I asked, not daring to get any closer to the pit. I wasn’t interested in getting stung by another radscorpion anytime soon. I saw something glistening at the bottom, next to the pile of scrap. I tried to pick out if it was a puddle of water or–
That was when a whole section of the pit gave way. Instantly, Blackjack, Puddle, Bubblegum, and I went tumbling down a slope as the pit exploded with sand and debris.
“I can’t see!” Glitter Bomb yelled in alarm as we were sprayed with fine grains of sand.
Something crawled under me. Something like... legs. Lots of legs! I screamed as I thrashed about to get up and away from the creepy, crawly, grabby legs, flapping my wings frantically to gain some altitude. I almost made it to the rim of the pit before something struck me from below, catapulting me against the soft sand of the wall. I tumbled back down into the pit, trying to get my bearings through the haze and dust.
The pit was sprouting legs. Giant, hairy, hooked things that ended in barbs. They wrapped several times around Bubble and Puddle’s barrels.
Bubblegum struggled to get his grenades into play where they wouldn’t blow us up. Puddle fumbled with her beam gun. Slashing her way through with her magic sword, Blackjack teleported out of the thing’s grasp with a pop and a flash. To my horror, for every leg she’d severed, two more seemed to sprout. Hack and slash was still her only option against the wriggling hordes.
I focussed on the pile of loot as it quivered and rose on the end of long tendril... a glob of sticky weapons and scraps that lifted off the bottom of the pit to reveal a mouth at my hooves. . A mouth that was more teeth than flesh.. Hundreds... thousands... of long, pale, hollow tubes... shifting in concert like an industrial meat-grinder. And it was trying to pull me into it!
I screamed and flailed away from the voracious maw. Taking to the air once again, a sticky mass of tin cans caught me on the side of my head, stunning me senseless as I hit the side of the wall and skidded back down toward the gaping mouth
Several gunshots went off in quick succession from above as Solidarity slid down the side of the pit. I caught a glimpse of several red flashes of light as Hyacinth fired off her beam rifle at the its centre. Distracted, I noticed too late the hooked, hairy leg that grabbed me around my belly, briefly flashing me back to my encounter with the radscorpion, and tossed me toward a toothy death.
“No!” Blackjack screamed as I tumbled, my wings fighting for air.
Her horn flashed, snagging a wooden sign from the side of the road and laying it flat over the beast’s mouth. I crumpled into the wood plank separating me from the terrifying scratches of thousands of teeth eager to drain my fluids. A sick part of my brain realised that I had landed upon the broad, awkward smile of a moose, which didn’t exactly help my calm. “Visit beautiful Ticklemoose! Home of tickling moose and squeaky cheese!”
Distracted by the efforts to save my sorry, useless ass, Blackjack missed the incoming ball of a few hundred pounds of loot attached to a long, muscular tongue. The end of that tongue smashed into her like a wrecking ball. It knocked her off her hooves and glued her coat and mane to the blob. As Blackjack flailed about, the monster began to reel her toward me and the maw.
The sign cracked and splintered under my hooves as the teeth gouged at it. I finally got my act together enough to draw my plasma defender and fired off several glowing green balls of energy at the tongue stuck to Blackjack’s hindquarters. The disintegration spells melted some of the junk, but not enough to break through to the horrible slimy flesh beneath.
“Why is it always tentacles?” Blackjack roared as she started slashing at the quivering mass of muscle. “And why are they always slimy?!”
“Threnody!” Bubblegum roared, catching my attention. I turned to watch him spin about in the creature’s grasp to give a solid buck to the legs that held him. The exoskeleton shattered, spraying him with green goo as he tossed a shiny apple at me.
I caught the grenade with a wing, holstered my defender, and threw the explosive down into the creature’s bustling gullet. I took to the air as the last bits of the sign splintered to smithereens.
A hollow wuff sound resounded from inside of the critter. A volcano of green and yellow bits of creature violently erupted out of the pit after me as I clawed for altitude. As a strange quiet fell over us, the only sound I could hear was that of settling earth cascading down the pit, and the soft, wet slaps of semi-roasted monster flesh slamming back into the ground at high speed.
Breathing heavily, I hovered next to Hyacinth, who looked down at the pit with a look of panicked worry on her face.
“Dad?” she called out. I couldn’t see Blackjack either.
From the edge of the pit exploded a dusty lump. Solidarity emerged, trying to wiggle out of the twitching leg that still held him. Then two white legs emerged from the dust. Blackjack pulled him close, a massive blob of sticky junk glued to her ass.
“Add that to your ‘things that eat faces’ list please,” she called out before looking around. “Everypony okay?”
Glitter looked desperately down into the pit. “I’m alive! Bubblegum?” Almost as an afterthought she called out, “Puddle?”
“I’m not dead yet!” Bubblegum barked, struggling out of the soft grit.
He reached behind him and tossed a stunned-looking Puddle Splasher up onto the tarmac.
“I think I have something stuck to my butt,” Puddle said, looking distressed as she stood and started turning around, trying to see the toaster that stuck to her rump.
“Took one to the rear during the fight as well, eh?” Blackjack asked, nudging the stunned filly with a forehoof. “Don’t worry, enough lube and it gets better.”
I landed next to Blackjack, and paused just long enough to glare reproachfully at her before looking her over.
“Are you okay? Did I hit you?” I asked. It was hard to tell if she’d been struck by those shots I’d fired with the mass of junk stuck to her butt. “Oh, hey! Cherry Sparkle~Cola!” I said, tugging on the familiar red bottle I found there.
“No! It’s-” Blackjack started to say as I felt the sticky secretion adhere to my hooves... and to her rump. She finished dejectedly, “...like wonderglue.”
I gave a few futile tugs with my hooves but I was stuck fast to Blackjack’s butt. Suddenly, this trip was going to take a whole lot longer than I’d expected. I gave her a sheepish grin.
“If it helps, I think I found some special shells for your shotgun!” I said, trying to make light of the situation. “Those ones with the red bands on them!”
“I guess it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever gotten on my ass,” Blackjack replied, levitating one of the slimier chunks of half-cooked monster meat and took a bite. “Mmm… three out of ten. Bit too gamey for my tastes.”
She couldn’t quite see the expression of shock and utter horror on my muzzle. “What the sorrell hells is actually wrong with you!?”
Puddle yelped as Solidarity used his magic to remove the toaster from her rear, taking some of her seafoam green coat with it. “Ow…”
Solidarity rolled his eyes, then spun the earth pony around in his magic, looking her over. “That was bad,” he muttered.
“Seemed like a Tuesday for me!” Blackjack quipped, spinning around to look at the unicorn, sending me slewing about behind her.
Hyacinth shuddered. “I just want to be home. In the Stable. Where the thing I have to worry about on Tuesday is whether or not they made tofu tacos.”
Puddle nodded as Solidarity set her down, then stumbled over to give Hyacinth a hug. Waves of fear rolled off the pair of stable ponies, and I could tell from my rather ignominious position that the pegasus was shaking.
Solidarity put a foreleg around his daughter.
“I thought you hated tofu tacos,” he said quietly, burying his muzzle in her mane.
“I do. But that’s safer to worry about than things that eat faces!”
“I kind of like them,” Puddle replied. “Th-the tacos. Not the things that eat faces…”
Bubblegum shook his head before digging for a healing potion. Long, bright red scratches ran down over his barrel from where he’d struggled. “Well… that was unpleasant. I vote no more checking out holes.”
“Are you sure about that, Bubbles?” Blackjack crooned while I rapidly shook my head at Glitter Bomb. “I’ve got a few that-”
A can of cram somehow magically found it’s way into Blackjack’s mouth before she could finish her quip.
“I’ll second not checking out any more holes!” Hyacinth said, tapping away at her pipbuck. “But… I am definitely adding it to Fish’s list of things that eat faces.” She frowned. “I really wish it wasn’t as long as it is…”
“What the fuck even was that?” Blackjack asked after spitting out the can wedged between her jaws, then looked at Solidarity, who frowned thoughtfully down at the smouldering corpse.
“I have no idea," Bubblegum said. “It looks like a mutated insect of some kind... but I haven’t seen anything like it before. Is it something new, or just something that few people get away from?”
He placed his massive forehooves onto my forelegs and tugged hard, very hard – holy Luna, was this boy strong – but they were stuck fast to Blackjack’s rump.
“Well, at least it proves that the Wasteland is always coming up with new and creative ways to kill you,” Blackjack summarized as we finished getting out of the pit. Whatever value the salvage might have, we’d have to find a way to get the adhesive slime off first.
“I don’t suppose we have any more turpentine?” I asked, then glared at Blackjack. “But no more Sparkle~Cola baths. I don’t want to smell like carrots for the next week!”
Bubblegum trotted over to Glitter and sighed. “One moment, let’s see what Glitter’s been carrying around,” he said, starting to shake the purple mare’s tail.
This was going to be a very, very long trip.
The high desert wasn’t just blazing hot. It also dropped to ridiculously cold only an hour after sunset. Soon we were huddled together. The treasure trove of general goods hidden in Glitter’s tail had saved me the ignominy of walking all the way to Stable 9 with my hooves glued to Blackjack’s shapely butt. I hoped I didn’t have to rely on Glitter's ‘tail of holding’, as Blackjack put it, to bail me out of any further embarrassing messes.
Blackjack’s red eyes were locked on the moon as it rose in the east. The glowing orb painted everything in ebony and ivory as it illuminated the night. She stood a little way from the others clustered near the fire. Like before, the temperature didn’t seem to bother her. I cinched my duster tighter as I trotted over to where she was standing.
“Everything okay, Blackjack?” I asked, realising I was likely asking a loaded question as soon as it left my lips.
“Fine and dandy. Dandy and fine. Okey, dokie, lokie,” she said mirthlessly, her smile a mask before she sighed and shook her head. “I remember when today would have been a blast. Good old times. But now I’m all old and wizened. Jaded. Not even a pit monster really gets to me.”
I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. Maybe she didn’t know herself. I frowned at her as I remembered the expression on her face when she’d saved me from the monster’s jaws with that sign. I shook the thought out of my head.
“Are… you sure about that, Blackjack?” I asked, standing a little closer to her to try to find some warmth. “I felt fear from you in the battle today when it looked like I was gonna um…” I shuddered, unable to finish my own sentence.
“Yeah. Kinda lost it there for a second. My focus, I mean,” she said with a sigh before immediately adding with a half smile, “Not cool. If I’d kept my head, I would have taken that thing out. Not your fault though, Thren. I mean, monsters gonna monster, you know?”
“Blackjack, that’s… not what I mean at all. You’re standing here telling me that you didn’t feel anything. Then, the next second you’re berating yourself for your lack of focus. We were all there fighting the monster. You don’t have to carry the world on your back. Solidarity and Bubblegum were right there with us, while Glitter and Hyacinth tried to help overhead. So… what’s really bugging you?” I asked, tossing metaphorical pebbles into Blackjack’s emotional pond.
She closed her eyes for a long moment. “Gimme an assessment, Thren. Compared to how I was when we met... am I better now? Or am I just getting better at hiding it?”
“Didn’t Sandalwood–” I started to ask in alarm.
“Yeah, yeah, but I annoy her. To her, I’ll always be a psychotic filly in a mare’s body,” she said with a toss of her mane and a smile that sent a chill down my spine. “What about you? Do you think I’m getting better, or just... shuffling my problems around on the plate?”
I frowned. “Um… do you want the whole assessment I have running in my head of you, in full Applejack honesty?”
“Yes. Wait!”
She added, and then leaned in and kissed me lightly on the cheek.
“Now tell me,” she said with a smirk.
Goddess damn it, Blackjack! I garbled internally as my head spun for a moment.
“Well, you’re still a lecherous perv,” I deadpanned. “But I also think that you think that’s one of your better qualities.”
From her obnoxious grin, she seemed to think I was right on the money with that one.
Taking a deep breath, I continued, “Are you better? No. I don’t think so. But… you’re not drinking to die anymore. You’re not getting angry and going out and beating up random ponies, killing random creatures in the wilds, nor running away from Star House only to return in a sobbing heap. I think… you moving is a good thing.
“But at the same time, I do still worry about you. You…” I frowned, trying to figure out how to address it. “You like killing. When you fought the radscorpion all those weeks ago, during the battle of Fold… I knew you were alive because I could feel your pleasure. It drifted out across the battlefield like a bright pink bubble floating happily amidst a sea of red anger and yellow fear.”
“Well... yeah. It’s one step down from sex. Acting. Moving. Feeling.” She paused and her smile faded. “I didn’t like that you, or Bubbles, or Glitter might have gotten hurt. That pissed me off. But during a fight I know what to do. Take it apart. Blast. Shoot. Teleport behind. Above. Go for the eyes. Go for the crotch. Go for the gut.” She looked behind her shoulder. “Back in the pit... when you nearly got eaten... it was like a wrench to my brain. I lost the fight. Had to keep you alive. You’re special to me, Thrennie.”
Thrennie? Where was that coming from? Sandalwood’s comments about being cared for by the most dangerous mare in the wasteland echoed in my ears, and I shook my head to clear it.
“I… I am sorry. I didn’t really, you know, want to go into the pit. Among the highlights of the day, that... wouldn’t exactly rank the highest,” I said with a self deprecating grin. “But… I also worry about that because your focus is so… singular. You remind me of the books I read about Wartime Stress Disorder that the Ministry of Peace was trying to fight toward the end of the war. Only knowing how to do one thing. Fight. Anything else is… secondary and not part of the mission. So… I worry sometimes that you’re coming with me and agreeing to go north because it’s yet another quest for you, and that gives you purpose. But it also kind of lets you have an emotional outlet so you don't have to feel the feelings you have when you're sober and stationary.” I shrugged. “Sound about right?”
She seemed to ponder that.
“Kinda,” she admitted, but didn’t seem convinced. “You’re not secondary to me, Thren. You’re primary. So are the others. I don’t want to bury anypony else. So when I have to fight, it’s because of that.” She then gave me a smirk. “Also, I’m waiting for the day when you and I can have sweet love together.”
And there was the immaturity dodge. Serious. Immature. Bob. Weave. Strike. Parry. I had no doubt she wanted a physical relationship, but I also knew bringing it up was a way out for her.
I sighed. “Blackjack, you do know that sometimes death is unavoidable. That some ponies are going to die and there’s nothing you can do about it?” I asked, done with the verbal fencing match going straight for drawing my mental duelling pistol. “I worry that sometimes you’re so overprotective of me and Glitter and Bubblegum because you see facets of Glory, P-21, and Lacunae in us. Obviously you don’t think that’s who we are. But–”
And faster than I could blink, she embraced me, tightly. She pressed her face into the crook of my shoulder and neck and trembled as she held me like I held my Scootaloo plush.
“Yes... I know it is,” she murmured. “And I’m terrified of it. If a bullet is going to take one of my friends, I want it to take me first. I don’t want to see you dead. Any of you. And I’m certain that something is going to take you from me. Some monster. That Peculiar fuck. Or something right out of nowhere. And you’re going to die and I’m going to be alone again and I am fucking terrified of it. And I don’t know how to handle it... laugh? Not care? Get pissed? Fuck til I can’t think?” she whispered, her voice becoming hotter and more strained. “What do I do, Thren? What the fuck do I do?” she asked, shaking harder than ever.
I wrapped my hooves around her barrel as best I could. I didn’t have an answer to that. It wasn’t a fair question. Nopony had an answer to that.
“I… don’t know, Blackjack. But I think you keep doing what you’ve been doing. You keep moving. You keep trying to find ways to cope with the hurt that aren’t blatantly self-destructive. Get taken in by a pack of wild alicorns and raise them like they’re your big, purple, green, and blue timberwolf children. Get a hobby that doesn’t involve murdering the entire pony race? That’s… I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to that. I just…” I pressed my face against the foreleg she held me with. “I’m running just as much as you are. Only from different stuff. I don’t have a good answer there, either, other than just to keep moving so the emotional tide doesn’t swamp me. Even so, I can only run for so long, and I don’t know what’ll happen when that wave hits, so till then, I’m sticking with putting one hoof in front of the other,” I admitted.
“Well then,” she sniffed, pulling back, her red eyes shimmering. The moonlight seemed to turn her tears to silver. “I guess, for the moment, we’ll just run away together till we work it out, right?”
I stared right into those eyes for all of three heartbeats.
Then I kissed her. It seemed like the right thing to do in the moment, but soon white hot shame rippled through me.
“I… yeah…” I said, looking away from her. Why did I do that? Threnody, your life is complicated enough as is! What are you doing, you stupid foal!?
But for once I got a moment. Blackjack, eyes wide in shock, just staring at me. I wondered the severity of the mistake I’d just made as she sat there, shrouded in moonlight, as rogue waves of emotions thundered through her, fighting each other for primacy. Arousal was struck by a pile driver of nostalgia, while fear and worry surged from the depths to spawn a dizzying maelstrom that threatened to drown the other, lighter emotions that clawed toward the surface.
Then she actually blushed. I could feel it like a rose aura. I’d actually made Queen Whiskey herself, baddest mare in the wasteland, blush like a schoolfilly.
“Wow...” she murmured. For the moment, at least, all her slurry of problems disappeared as she gazed at me like a baffled idiot.
“It’s not like I like you or anything!” I protested after a short cough. “It… just seemed like the best way to therapeutically distract you!” I said, trying to speak matter-of-factly, despite the searing shame that blazed beneath my skin and squirmed through my guts.
Great. Now I was the one pushing boundaries. The mirthful smile slowly appearing on her features made it worse.
“Well, I like you. And it worked. And thank you,” she said as she stroked my cheek. “I hope you do it again soon.”
Only then did she pull back enough to give me my space before my own anxieties exploded all over her. I bet you do, pervert. I thought before shaking my head.
“Um… that’s… not like… a full assessment or anything, but… that’s… what I’m seeing. We’re… both fighting to stay one step ahead of a past more monstrous than that critter we fought this afternoon. But I do think we’re at our best with our friends around us.” I shivered at the frigid night breeze blowing across the high desert. “Now, do you want to join us by the fire? It’s… really cold out here. I’m surprised you’re okay with just your barding on.”
“Is it? I didn’t really notice,” she said, not taking her eyes off me.
Her emotions were all pink and rose and bubbles and velvet. Oh, sure, her toxic feelings were still there. They were just way... way... way down. How the heck had a kiss done that? She’d kissed me before and she hadn’t felt much different...
Of course. Because I had kissed her. And because she’d stopped me when I’d been infatuated earlier, now she treated it like it was something... more. And it was that something more that she craved, no matter how much it might hurt her. It was probably the most ponyish thing about her. After all... who didn’t want love and affection from another?
Except me… I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to do with it. How could I? I’d spent my life knowing I wasn’t wanted for who I was. Now I was and what the fuck was up with that?
I finally nodded after staring at her for what would have been an uncomfortable amount of time to anypony else.
“Yeah. Don’t you notice stuff like that?” I pondered. “I noticed how you didn’t seem bothered by the heat during the day.”
“I dunno. I guess it didn’t really register. I mean... I saw it was hot. I just didn’t feel it. Like now. I know it’s cold. It just doesn’t feel that cold. You know?”
“No, I don’t. It’s freezing. I’m glad I have feathers cause otherwise it’d be really awful!” I said, frowning in concern. “How… long have you not been noticing temperatures?”
“I notice them. I just don’t... you know... feel them.” She frowned and looked around. “It’s not pleasantly cool to you right now?” she asked as she looked around the desert.
I shook my head.
“Hmm… wonder if it has to do with your body being a blank,” I mused. “Cause… it’s cold enough that my pipbuck is telling me to get near a fire,” I said, consulting the device on my right foreleg. The little pony on the screen bore a wide, chattering rictus and had icicles hanging from her nose. “It’s... pretty cold. Like cloud height cold.” I paused as I stared down at the pipbuck. “Blackjack, did… that monster earlier show up on your EFS? Cause I don’t remember seeing it on mine…”
“No. I didn’t see it either. Maybe the EFS couldn’t detect it because it was buried or something?”
I shuddered. “I hope so. I don’t like the idea of sharing a wasteland with monsters I can’t see…”
She reached over and gave me a hug. “Better ones we can’t see than ones we can’t fight.” She then nodded towards the fire. “Come on. Let’s get warmed up.”
We were still a half-day out from Maredras when from above us, Hyacinth squealed in delight. She’d been on the wing and fiddling with her pipbuck for the better part of an hour and finally seeming to have found success, landed in the middle of us, prancing about with delight.
“I got it to work!” she said, pressing the play button as the chords of a slow song faded in.
“Got what to work? The radio?” I asked.
“Not just the radio, silly!” she said, grinning. “This is The Punk’s station! She runs Counterculture radio out of Portlandia! She’s constantly playing old protest songs from the war, and tries to tell people to resist what the Family is doing in Seaddle and Vanhoover.”
I frowned. “The Family has influence there?” I asked. “I mean… Seaddle I guess makes sense. That’s where they’re from. But… is it really a problem in Portlandia and Vanhoover?”
Hyacinth nodded solemnly. “It’s part of why we’ve not been trying to explore that way. The ganger wars in Portlandia are being made worse by the Family’s meddlings. They keep pushing their ideas of unicorn supremacy and how magic will save the wasteland. It’s so frustrating! Our Stable has always believed in the magic of friendship. I’m not sure I fully buy that, but I think working together will do more to make this place less hellish than using the way you were born as an excuse to lord it over everypony else.”
As if on cue, the voice of a young, almost adolescent-sounding mare rang clearly along the road.
“Hey out there to my favourite motherbuckers! This is The Punk, bringin’ you the raddest sounds of counterculture in the wasteland. Comin’ at you from my pirate radio station somewhere in Portlandia. And I’d like to cheer on the Family as they try – and fail yet again – to find me with a giant, warm ‘go fuck yourself’! Can’t stop the signal, sweethearts. I’m here to spit truth about the shit that we’ve had to swallow here in the wasteland, the irradiated, maggot-ridden corpse we all call home! And also like to offer a big ol’ ‘fuck you’ to all you dumbfucks out there that are still killin’ each other. Lookin’ at you, Blood Brothers! Yeah, I see you chucklefucks there in VanHoover. You shit-for-brains need to stop being dumbfucks and stringing each other up! What does killin’ your cousins do for you, really? Love and tolerate for fuck’s sake!”
Solidarity rolled his eyes at the radio DJ, but she made me chuckle.
“I’m here to tell you all that the only way any of us are gonna be free is to fight the power! Fuck the NCR! Fuck the Enclave Remnant! Fuck the raiders and gangers out there that keep us buried up to our necks in hate and fear and shit! And if you don’t like it, well I cordially invite you to an all-you-can-eat buffet courtesy of my fucking ass!” she yelled into the radio. “But enough truth bombs for now. Let me tell you about this kid that gets it!”
“Turns out the Family, bad bunch of fucking assholes that they are, recently took over Fold. Then this kid shows up and says ‘Fuck no, this shit’s wack!’ This tiny pega-punk stood up to that bitch Sweetness, and rumour has it she melted the thot’s face! Fuckin’ A grade rad, kid! Not only that, but she managed to get the whole town to flip their shit, stand up and push the Family out of their town for good.”
I felt heat rush to my face as I realised who the ‘kid’ she was talking about was. The rest of the party turned and stared at me, Blackjack silently mouthing ‘pega-punk’, as The Punk continued.
“But that’s not all! No, as soon as those cats were are out of there then who else but the fuckin NCR show up and kindly offer to ‘rule’ them, but the good folks of Fold knew what was up and gave ‘em a big, fat ‘fuck you!’ by way of reply! Let me tell you motherbuckers that no master, no king and no fuckin’ governments out there in the wasteland are gettin’ it right, and they never will! So fight the power, be radical to each other, and fuckin’ don’t be dicks. Is it so hard? Can’t we all get along and be friends! The wasteland ain’t a paradise, but it sucks ten times harder than it has to cause of all the fightin’ and killin’. So stop being cunts to each other and fighting every goddamned minute so we can stop just survivin’ and start fuckin’ livin’!”
The Punk took a deep, exaggerated breath in, then let out a long sigh.
“Whew, stuff like that gets me right worked up. So let’s chill out a minute with another golden oldie from the war. Now, before you all get up in my grill about how it’s called ‘Zombie’, remember it didn’t mean back then what it does now. This is motherfucking Songbird Serenade singing with Bad Jackal from the Zebra lands, and they want you to think about what the fuck you are fighting for. So what’s in your heads, zombies?”
A slow piano intro started playing as The Punk stopped speaking. I listened quietly as we started moving toward Maredras again. The zebra’s rich baritone voice mournfully sang out about fillies and colts dying. He was joined by the melodic voice of Songbird Serenade in the chorus, and I couldn’t help but smile as I caught Bubblegum, Glitter, and Puddle bobbing their heads with the heavy guitar and bass melody of the chorus.
“How long has The Punk been around?” I asked, wading through a bunch of different emotions as the heavy song ended.
Hyacinth lowered the volume of the radio, and she looked thoughtful a moment.
“I think… about eight years now? She started broadcasting a bit after the Day of Sunshine and Rainbows. After that, she just showed up on the airwaves. Used to be hard for us to get anything but a very staticky DJ Pon3 and well… Family Friendly Radio,” she said, spitting out the last words like they had a foul taste.
“Family Friendly Radio.” Bubblegum deadpanned.
“Yeah… it’s the Family’s attempts at outreach to the the wasteland,” Puddle explained, still bouncing along to the beat of the softly playing song. “It’s really bad. Like… they’re always going on about the same things, like how rights doesn’t do anypony any good and so they need to submit to the Family so they can save the wasteland with magic. The stallion who usually talks is always going on about how dumb The Punk is. Or he’ll randomly start talking about weird stuff. Like watching the lights of a flying saucer hovering over a Donut Joe’s.”
I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what to make of that. “That’s… not normal. Dare I ask what the ‘family friendly’ songs are like?”
Hyacinth made a face. “Well, certainly nothing like Zombie. Or Kukushka! Oh! I love Kukushka!” The yellow pegasus sighed. “Yeah, the Family plays like… really old, really bland songs. I’m pretty sure they’ve tried to pass off old Snack Cake commercials as actual music.”
Glitter Bomb perked up at the mention of Snack Cakes.
“I like Snack Cakes though. And Kookaburra sounds familiar to me for some reason.” She frowned, and started smacking her forehead with a hoof. “Stupid brain, why can’t you remember?”
Bubblegum gently patted Glitter’s shoulder. “I think she said Kukushka, not Kookaburra, Glitter.”
“That’s what I said! It’s a pretty song in another language about a Cuckoo bird and how the ponies lay their heads down in the fields of battle, with gunpowder in their hooves,” she said quietly.
Hyacinth blinked at Glitter. “How… wait… how do you know that? I know that, but that’s because I studied the Stalliongrad language from books we have in the library at the Stable. That’s… interesting that you know that, Glitter!”
Glitter smiled, then bounced happily.
“Yeah, I think I remember somepony I liked singing it to me,” she said.
“Do you remember the lyrics?” Puddle asked, looking up at my big purple friend.
Glitter closed her eyes a moment, then sang out happily.
“Pesen eshche nenapisannykh, skol'ko? Skazhi, kukushka, propoy. V gorode mne zhit' ili na vyselkakh, Kamnem lezhat' ili goret' zvezdoy? Zvezdoy.”
She grinned sheepishly as everypony stopped to stare at her. “I… don’t remember what it means, but I think it’s pretty!”
Hyacinth’s eyes were wide as Glitter sang out in a strange language I didn’t understand. “How… you… just… perfect… Stalliongradi? What?”
“Purple?” Glitter offered unhelpfully.
I patted Glitter’s hoof. “I think it’s cool that you remember that at all, Glitter. Are your memories coming back?”
Glitter shook her head. “Nope. No mementos. Just little bits and pieces of candies that make me wish I knew more,” she admitted with a sigh. “But… it’s okay. I have friends! And Bubbles! And I remember them much better than I do my mommy.”
Puddle, Hyacinth, Bubblegum, and I piled onto Glitter, giving her a group hug.
“Hey kids? If you don’t mind, I’d like to make it to Maredras before nightfall,” Solidarity called gently from a bit ahead of us. Blackjack stood at his side, an odd smile on her muzzle.
“Sorry, Mr. Solidarity!” Glitter called out, trying to extricate herself from our hug.
She managed to drag Puddle, Hyacinth and I, but Bubbles made it so she couldn’t move on her left side, and ended up walking around in a circle.
“Bubbles!” she whined.
The five of us laughed at the silliness of the scene. We were still in a dangerous part of the wasteland. It was home to enemies that EFS couldn’t pick up, and it was hotter than the flames of Tartarus, but we were together. And we were friends. As we started moving again, it struck me that maybe Puddle and the rest of Stable 9 were onto something with this whole friendship magic business.
And that made it all the more terrifying. Friendship was a vague, strange concept to me. I’d spent the better part of my life utterly alone. When Willow Glen found me and identified me as a heartmender, I was brought to the Followers for training. There, I met Glitter. I didn’t see her enough to become close but she quickly became one of my favourite ponies.
But at the same time… we weren't given the space become friends on our own. When we were allowed to talk or play, it was always monitored. Glitter was a big alicorn, and I was a malnourished, fragile pegasus filly. I think the adults were afraid that Glitter would hurt me if things got rough and tumble. Really, all she wanted was to have a tea party. So we did! We had a tea party with her and Mr. Chompers, her toy dinosaur, and Larry, her teddy bear. It… was the most fun I’d had in years. Even if it was just pretend.
She was my friend, and I liked her a lot. Then… my duties as heartmender took me away from her for long periods of time. Moments when I got to see her became more precious than fresh roses. More important than all the Cherry Sparkle~Colas in the world. Friendship was very important. Just… potentially very painful.
As we trotted toward the low-lying town of Maredras, Hyacinth turned the radio back up. We got to listen to the brittle sound of “Broken Equestrian” by a band that I didn’t catch. I tried to savour the walk, just being with my friends, listening to the sounds of this filly trying to spread love and friendship to the wasteland in her own way by countering the abrasive culture of hate that the NCR, Enclave, and other governments formented on a daily basis.
I couldn’t help but hope that The Punk was on the right track, scary as the prospects of love and friendship were…
Maredras was a strange town to walk into. It was laid out like a typical sprawling plains settlement, not all that dissimilar to old Appleloosa. The town extended along a main street that ran between a pair of low hills. The geography allowed a little water to pool in a few puny lakes that likely fed the surrounding fields before the war.
The town wasn’t so much a blasted ruin like many wasteland towns I’d wandered through. Rather, it wore its decay in a more subtle way. It looked like ponies hadn’t been here in a long time, and all the buildings were in the long process of sighing themselves to death in the absence of any modicum of care.
Solidarity and Bubblegum took point as we made our way through the ghost town. Puddle, Hyacinth, and I kept our eyes peeled for anypony they might miss while Blackjack and Glitter brought up the rear.
“Weren’t nopony near here when we last passed. But I don’t trust the Family to not be skulkin’ round these parts,” Solidarity drawled as we picked our way through the main street.
“Nor I,” Bubbles added quietly. “This place would be a strange one for an ambush, but… that Peculiar dude strikes me as the kind of weirdo who would try it.”
Blackjack grunted as we picked our way carefully through the sad little town. All around us lay remnants of the life that once suffused this place, including a massive Stable-Tec billboard. Though it only had a few smidges of colour left, I could just barely make out the words advertising for placement in Stables 9 and 11. A bit of painted text on the bottom of the billboard caught my eye, and I trotted over to read it.
‘For Sale, one garage. Hardly used. Stable-Tec is finally paying me enough to afford a place in Portlandia. Call for more information. Affordable rates!’ it read.
“Who puts an advertisement for a garage on a Stable-Tec announcement?” I wondered aloud to the group.
Puddle started giggling.
“Oh! It’s the garage sign!” She trotted around behind the sign, disappearing out of sight as the rest of the party made their way over to us. “Hey! Our box is still here!”
Answering the call, Solidarity darted around the sign, leaving Bubblegum and Blackjack to exchange consternated glances. The unicorn stallion soon returned, a bottle of Wild Pegasus levitating in his magic.
“Told myself I’d come back for this one. Been savin’ it,” he said, levitating his flask from his saddlebags as he set out to refill it.
“Does that mean I actually get some this time, Dad?” Hyacinth asked as Solidarity poured the foul smelling amber liquid into his flask.
“No. Because you’re still a kid,” he replied quickly. “That goes for you, too, Puddle. And Glitter.” He paused as he glanced over to Blackjack, Bubblegum, and I. “You three, maybe.”
“What? Blackjack I get, but why Bubblegum and Threnody?” the pegasus protested.
Solidarity turned and looked at his daughter. “Why do you keep calling her Blackjack?”
It was at that moment I realised that we’d been referring to Blackjack by her real name. And Puddle and Hyacinth had picked up on it. If we had any aspirations of being spies, they probably just took a nosedive off of a cliff with sharp pointy rocks at the bottom.
Blackjack just shrugged.
“It’s a nickname I picked up. You know, Go Fish, Blackjack… both are card games…” she said slyly.
Solidarity glared reproachfully at her and resealed the bottle.
“Okay, your whiskey rations are now cut off for lying,” he muttered. “I don’t care what your real name is, just… you know, at this point it probably would’ve been a good plan to tell us. That way I’m not referrin’ to you as something weird. Plus I like to know aliases. Makes it easier to deal with ya when you’re up to shenanigans. Not to mention the fact that, if we’re going to be friendly-like here, it’s gonna take some honesty.”
Blackjack snatched the bottle of whiskey out of his grasp with a pop and floated it next to her head as she gazed at the older stallion. There was a strange set of feelings that ran rapidly underneath the surface for her. Ugh, Blackjack! Why couldn’t you have simple emotions. Ones that weren’t ‘right side down’ and ‘orange’? I tensed.
“Well, my birth name is Go Fish. My nickname is Blackjack. DJ PON3 called me ‘Security’. And the immortal head of the zebra remnant called me ‘Maiden of the Stars’. For a time I almost went by ‘Princess Luna’ too.” She popped the stopper. “Also added to my resume is me gassing almost the entirety of my stable to death, destroying a battleship with a pistol, dying three times, blowing up an Enclave fortress with a megaspell, travelling to the moon, and slaying an undead star god. Oh, and until recently, every friend I’ve ever made has wound up dead, or stranded on the moon.” She swirled the bottle, never taking her eyes off Solidarity and look a long, long pull from it, chugging down almost a quarter before letting out a satisfied gasp, smacking her lips, and swirling the contents again. “Any questions?”
Solidarity stared at her for a long, hard moment – the kind of stare that only security ponies and lawstallions could make – before shifting his gaze to me.
“She serious?” he asked.
“Like a bad case of taint exposure,” I replied, secretly hoping that this wasn’t the moment that Blackjack snapped and murdered our travelling companions. “And, um, speaking of which, she can drink taint to heal, like it’s healing potion.”
Solidarity tilted his head to the side and grunted. “Huh. Well, that clears things up. Sort of. Though the bit about gassin’ the stable makes me a might uneasy to bring you back to 9. That an emergency sort of measure? Cause that I can understand, otherwise I’m of half a mind to leave you all here in Maredras and continue off on our own. So if ya don’t mind, lawpony to lawpony, if you really were ‘Security’ as you say, give it to me straight.”
To Solidarity’s credit, he snagged the bottle back from Blackjack and matched her gulp for gulp before levelling a ‘bored but ready to kill’ gaze at Blackjack. A gaze which I felt was rather unwise of him to display.
“Well, my stable was exposed to a plague that turned ponies cannibal. I didn’t know how many had been exposed, and a quarter going savage was almost more than I could handle the first time. To be fair, I totally planned on dying with them. Seemed only fair. I was leaving them to burn and choke to death in chlorine gas, only fitting I die too. Unfortunately, the Goddess seemed to take a personal interest in me and I was yanked out before I kicked it too. So... sheriff... or are you the judge in this little exchange... does that count as an ‘emergency’ sort of measure?” she asked back, in almost a matching lazy drawl.
Solidarity frowned as he listened to the story. I glanced around and realised that the entire party was watching these two ponies stare each other down. Hyacinth’s wings were splayed open behind her, and she anxiously pawed at the dirt while her dad had a pissing match with one of the most dangerous mares in the wasteland.
It was Bubblegum’s expression and emotions that caught me off guard. His face had turned hard as Blackjack talked, and for the first time I was feeling something rather dark and unpleasant being directed at Blackjack. He took a step closer to the pair of unicorns, but said nothing. That movement set me on edge.
After a moment, Solidarity relaxed and offered Blackjack a smirk. “It’s constable. Never would let our Overmare pin the badge on me after our stable sheriff bought it at Hoof River with my wife,” he replied.
The small pained expression that passed over his features was a thin mask for the massive sinkhole of suffering that Solidarity was hiding beneath the surface. My goddesses. Blackjack really did attract the most emotionally damaged ponies in the wasteland!
“If it’s any consolation, keeping me away from Stable 9 is as easy as convincing Threnody not to go,” Blackjack said as she took another drink. “And if she wants to go, then your folks will stay safe by not standing in the way. I’m a very easy, simple sort of pony. Live and let live. Enjoy life. And obliterate anything that dares threaten what and who I care about. So, do we have an understanding, constable?”
Solidarity nodded once. “We do. I’d say we’re on the same level,” he glanced up at Bubblegum as the inky black torrents beneath his facade of calm were threatening to boil. “You got something to add, son?”
Almost simultaneously, Blackjack also glanced over at him as well. Bubblegum froze, and those feelings of anger were quickly drowned by those of embarrassment.
“No. Just… making sure that Blackjack and you didn’t start fighting. I’d hate to have to step in and knock both of you senseless,” he replied.
He tried to give what I think was his attempt at a cocky grin, but it came off as adolescent and sheepish in the moment.
As concerning as the prospect of inter-party violence was, what worried me more was the fact that Bubblegum was angry. And that anger was directed at Blackjack without any seeming cause. I knew he at least had heard of Blackjack before, and apparently had even met Glory face-to-face once, but… the depth of his anger was breathtaking. A part of me resolved to get to the bottom of it. But… it didn’t seem like the smart thing to do in front of Blackjack. It might have even started a fight right after we avoided one by a margin I wouldn’t dare guess at. And so I logged it away under ‘more mysteries that I needed to unearth about our enigmatic earth pony companion.’
“Next time you’d like to try knocking me senseless, let me know. It’ll be fun,” Blackjack said with a grin and seemed to draw a line in the sand. I was on one side of it with her, and Bubblegum... well... wasn’t. Then she regarded Solidarity a moment, and then said to Hyacinth, “You got a really cool dad. It makes me wish he was my dad too.”
Hyacinth finally lay her wings flat against her sides.
“Yeah, he’s… alright. I guess,” she said trotting up to nudge his side. “But seriously, he is cool. I’d prefer that the two of you not get into it. I’m… not exactly ready and willing to take care of Violet on my own.”
Solidarity looked down at her with a quirked eyebrow. “Are you thinking if Go… Black… Which do you prefer, actually?” he asked.
“Which would you prefer to be called? Go Fish, or Blackjack?” she asked in turn with a snort. There was a lesion of angst forming in her own psyche... seriously, was there anything that didn’t have a ‘bad reaction’ with her? Well... beyond me?
Solidarity chuckled. “Blackjack, definitely. Not sure what your folks were thinkin’ givin’ you that name,” he said, turning back to Hyacinth. “Now… you were thinking dear old dad was gonna lose if I got into a tussle with her?”
Hyacinth looked at Blackjack.
“Uh… dad? If she did all the things that she said she did, then yeah. I think you’re a little outclassed.” Solidarity’s ears wilted. “Don’t do the face not the face oh goddess dad no stop!” She started lightly batting at his shoulder with her hooves. “You’re not supposed to make that face when we’re not in trouble!”
“Take out the horn with a magic bullet, teleport behind you, shotgun blast to the back of your left leg, teleport next to you, second shot to the side of your head,” Blackjack murmured, her red eyes not blinking. Then she gave a little smile that was about a nine on the creepy factor as she finished off the rest of the bottle. “Trust me, Constable. I’m a good friend. Threnody’s a good friend. Bubblegum and Glitter too. Please don’t make me kill good ponies. I hate it when I do that.”
Then she popped the bottle on top of her horn and trotted a little down the street.
“She’d be much more convincing if she didn’t say that with a raider’s grin on her muzzle,” Bubblegum rumbled as Blackjack made her way down the street.
Solidarity watched her go, then gave me a hard look.
“So… I’m beginning to understand why Sandalwood may have been a bit… averse to lettin’ you go anywhere with her.”
I shrank down under Solidarity, Bubblegum, and Hyacinth’s combined gazes. Puddle and Glitter appeared to have missed the exchange while going through the snack cakes that had been left in the box along with Solidarity’s whiskey.
“I… am a heartmender, though,” I explained meekly. “I know what I’m doing. Sort of.” I huffed. “Look, if you know anypony anywhere that’s better qualified to deal with that, introduce me! Because for some reason she... I... we... It’s working out. This is actually better! So... yeah. I’m heartmenderering.”
And with that I sat down, crossing my forehooves in a decided grump.
Solidarity didn’t look convinced. “You’re the last one of the group you work with, the Followers, right? You’re the only one left to work with her, ain’t’cha?”
My grumpiness surged into outright pique as I glared up at him.
“Maybe.” I blinked as a horrible, delightful realization came over me. An odd grin forced itself onto my lips. “No.... No! I’m not the last! I’m not!”
I let out a mad little laugh as I jabbed a hoof at him.
“There is one more heartmender I can refer her to,” I burst out. “The one in Stable 9! She can deal with her! It’s the perfect plan!”
I raised my hooves, laughing maniacally. All I was missing was a peal of thunder!
He shook his head. “Kid, I don’t envy you in the slightest,” he rubbed my mane with a forehoof. “Now to go see if I can get Bubblegum to open that stuck door for me.”
Bubblegum and I looked up at him in confusion.
“Stuck door? What does that have to do with me?” Bubbles asked.
“There’s an unlooted bar down the road from here. Blackjack just supped my whiskey, and I aim to see if they’ve got any left in there,” Solidarity replied, trotting down the road. “And don’t give me that look, Cynthie. You know damned well I sleep better with a bit of it in my belly.”
I sighed and got to my hooves. “Puddle, Glitter? I think we’re moving on. Don’t want you to get left behind.”
My pair of friends looked up to see everypony starting to follow after Blackjack.
“Wait for us! Don’t leave us here in the creepy town!”
This was going to be a very, very… very long trip.
We bedded down for the night at the far end of Maredras. The first glimpse of the Red Forest’s canopy was just barely coming into view when we got to the small home that we were able to break into. I was struck with some disappointment that the tall conifers appeared to be just as lifeless as the trees around the rest of the wasteland, save for the sickenly red colour to their trunks. It made me miss the green of the trees we’d encountered around Fold.
Bubbles had made short work of the bar door. Blackjack’s hungry expression as he was bucking in told me she’d loved tearing the frontage of the building herself. Nopony would stand against her want of alcohol. Or maybe was it her new want for Bubblegum?
I didn’t know. My empathic sense was getting blurry from being dead tired after the walk. As the night’s coolness seeped into the dilapidated home we’d borrowed for shelter, I found myself curled up on an old, musty mattress generally hating the group of assholes I was travelling with. Puddle had started to get on my nerves on about the fiftieth joke of the day. Glitter had stepped on my tail at least twice. Hyacinth was constantly bobbing her head and singing along - badly - to the music that the Punk was playing.
The boys were being weirdos, especially Bubblegum with the dark looks he kept tossing at Blackjack’s rear. I’d tried to pin him down to talk to him once we’d settled in our lodgings for the night, but he froze me out emotionally. I wasn’t sure how he managed it, but through stubbornness or sheer force of will, he’d managed to be nigh inscrutable. What emotions did leak through his grumpy, glare-y mask were muffled and confused. So instead of talking about it, he snagged Glitter Bomb to go on a quest for more snack cakes and Big Mac and Cheese boxes for dinner. Honestly I was too tired to go searching for him after that.
And Blackjack?
Blackjack was being Blackjack.
“So Thren. I need to ask you something,” she murmured as she trotted in and jumped down on the mattress, the tired springs giving a squeak as she landed on her back. “It’s kinda personal and a little crude. You up for it?”
“Up for what?” I asked, pained. “Blackjack, am I ever really ‘up for it’? But fine, ask anyways…” I groaned dejectedly.
“I... really... want to screw Solidarity. Like... really. More than Slate. It’s weird! He’s so much older but I laid all I’d done on him and he actually stared me down! Like, if I could, I’d give Hyacinth a sibling tonight,” she said as she screwed her face up. “Is this a daddy thing? I think this might be a daddy thing. I never knew my dad so maybe?”
I sighed.
“Blackjack, do you think that maybe it’s not a dad thing so much as a ‘I tried to show dominance and he resisted’ thing?” I asked, giving her a flat look. “I mean… you already said you’re not into incest, so that’s one fetish-y reason we can safely eliminate from your pool of excuses to have somepony buck you senseless.”
I winced at the feelings of lust that threatened to swamp me off of the mattress.
“But that’s the thing! It’s not like Slate. Him, I wanted to rut till I was numb. It’s almost more like Stygius. Like... where he just has this look and I’m like... oh yeah.” She gave a throaty chuckle that made me cringe. “Anyway, that’s not the important thing I wanted to talk to you about. I mean the actual reason why I want to holster his baton.”
Why Blackjack? Why must you make these metaphors? Oh goddesses I was thinking about it.
I facehooved. “So… what was the question then? Reasons that you have to um… be intimate with somepony aside?”
“Would it hurt you if I did it with him?” she asked.
I blinked and saw her laying on her side. Her eyes were... soft now. Her smile casual and happy. There was concern coming off her, but it was less ‘oh what will I do if she dies’ and more ‘what will make Threnody happy?’
“I mean, I want to... but not if you’d be upset,” She explained. “Because you matter more to me, Thren.”
I was going to start with a quip about ‘as long as the mattress squeaking didn’t keep me up’, but her concern for my thoughts on the matter gave me pause. I hadn’t thought about it, really. I knew I cared about her, but… the idea of doing anything involving bits that existed beneath tails made me sick to my stomach. So… did I care whether or not she was with Solidarity?
The immediate part of my brain gave me ‘not really’. But there was a small part of me that was a bit… confused about where exactly she landed in my heart. I liked her, but… in exactly what way, I didn’t know. And I wasn’t quite ready to explore that just yet.
“I… mean as long as you’re not like… taking advantage of him and dropping PTMs into his whiskey, I… really don’t mind,” I said with a small smile. That small part of me growled at my rational reasonableness. “I mean, Hyacinth might get kinda squicked out if she hears you, but…” I trailed off and shrugged. “I mean you’re both consenting adults. You do you, Blackjack.”
I immediately regretted my choice in words. My brain helpfully supplied the images of a series of Blackjack clones in a line of debauchery and lusty entanglements, which made me want to throw up. I was pretty sure that the wasteland wouldn’t survive that level of lasciviousness. I was sure I wouldn’t.
But instead the emotional lust turned into a melange of... something else. Something pink and soft and feathery.
“Mmm... kay.” She didn’t immediately get off the bed though. Instead she rolled on to her tummy, folding her forehooves under her chin. “Mind if I brush your wings? Hooves off, of course. Your feathers are a bit battered after that fight with the sand thingy.”
My feathers were kind of a mess between the fight and the heat of the day, but I was skeptical of Blackjack’s motives.
“Um… I guess if you’re offering,” I said hesitantly. “But… may I ask what brought this on so suddenly after talking of doing the dirty with Solidarity?”
She just smiled as her horn started to glow and I felt a caressing sensation pass over my feathers.
“You thought that’s what I was talking about? You’ve got a dirty mind, Thren.” But she didn’t stop smiling as that magic worked its... well... magic, on my feathers. The dirt and dust was magically deposited on the floor beside the bed. “I wasn’t talking about doing him. I was talking about how you’d feel if I did,” she said as her magic gently manipulated my wings.
I relaxed a little as the soothing touch of her magic cleaned my wings and gently preened my feathers into proper flight alignment.
“Oh… sorry for… misinterpreting that then…” I said sleepily. “Like I said earlier though, what you do with him doesn’t bother me too much. You have needs, Blackjack, and I understand that. Plus… some of those needs are things that I’m… not really equipped to fulfil. Okay, well physically I’m capable of doing that, but…” A shudder ran down my spine at the thought, cooling off the growling part of me that was at least a little jealous of the idea of her with somepony.
“Mmmm,” she said, her smile growing. “What you didn’t say was ‘no, it won’t bother me.’” She opened one red eye to peer at me. “I messed up one relationship and hurt someone I loved because I did what my crotch wanted me to. I don’t want to mess up again with you,” she said as she closed her eye once more. “By the by... if you want... I can take your duster off and give you a brushing. And that’s not an innuendo, just actual brushing.”
Who was this strange mare in bed beside me ready to forgo chasing sex with a stallion she was attracted to for little, old, worthless me? It had to be a changeling... or maybe another brain tumor... or maybe... maybe you should take off your armor, that treasonous part of my brain whispered.
I shook away the thought. No. That… that would be too intimate. Too close. Besides, Blackjack had just opened up about hurting Glory.
“Are you worried I’ll react like Glory did?” I asked instead.
“No. You’re not her. She’d have taken her coat off already,” she replied. Her smile remained, but it became far more pensive. “I assumed sex was sex with her. Organs and orgasms. Part of me still thinks that. Something fun to do. But for her... it wasn’t just sex. It was love. Intimacy. I didn’t know that. I didn’t understand it. Still don’t, really. But I know that a pony might say they’re okay with something they’re not because they don’t want to hurt or stand in the way of another pony’s happiness. So that’s why I’m not going to do anything with him. Not till I know that me and you aren’t a thing.” She looked at me again. “I’m learning from my mistakes. No matter how much it hurts.”
Panic set in when she brought up the idea of us being a thing. I’d been listening to her, but my mind had gotten caught up on the idea that she was asking me about things she didn’t understand like love. I didn’t have a fucking clue about it either and now, all of a sudden, we’re a thing? When did we become a thing? Why things?
“Wh-when did things become us?” I stammered as she unfairly ran a cool bit of magic between my pinions. “I’m glad you are learning, but it’s hard to answer when you do that.”
“Which makes it all the more fun,” she replied. “You’re adorable when you bite your bottom lip when I do this.” She gave another stroke. I willed myself not to- oh, damnit! I did bite my lip! “As for when... the moment I kissed you at Star House and you came back, we were a thing. The thing’s changed, a little here and a little there, but we’re still a thing.”
I really wished I had a manual for all of this. I sure as hell didn’t realise that I was signing up for anything! Talk of Things implied we were far more intimate than I was aware of. That thought brought on equal blends of panic, rage, and frustration. I didn’t ask for this, and if I had been asked about it, she would have gotten a flat ‘no.’
I sighed.
“Blackjack… what do you mean by ‘thing?’ Because in my head I am interpreting that as we’re in a relationship of some sort, which… aside from being friends and well, in theory having a working relationship between a heartmender and a client, uh… did I miss something? Have I been missing something? I know you like me, but I’m also kind of dense and I don’t exactly know what you mean…”
“Friendship is a thing. Love is thing. Lust is a thing. They’re all things. Sometimes they’re the same thing. Sometimes they’re not. But I guess you have to figure that out,” she said as she stopped her preening. “Security saves ponies, Thren. And while you’ve been saving me, I want to save you too. I want to help you find happiness and joy in this world. I want to stand in front of you when you need protecting, and at your side when you need to fight. You’re like a key to a lock. You understand me better than almost anypony else. Better than Glory, honestly. And I loved Glory. I still do. With every bit of my heart. That’s a thing that will never leave me. But I also love you too, just as strong, and this time, I’m trying to treat you the way I should have treated her. Staying in control. Asking permission... and yeah, occasionally annoying the heck out of you. Because that’s the thing I have for you.”
Before my panic fully engulfed me, she went on, “Now, I get you don’t have the same thing for me. Maybe you never will. And that’s cool. I’ll live if not. But until you’re sure, I’m going to keep treating you as special, because you are, and you probably always will be.”
I stared at her for a long moment. I didn’t understand her at all, but I understood her better than Glory?! How? How in the hell did that make any sense at all? And I was special? What kind of brain damage did becoming a blank give her?
“I… guess I just don’t get why. I… understand, I suppose, in some ways that I’m the only one who’s been trying to understand you by like… not engaging you like a heartmender. For better or for worse for both of us, but…” I shook my head. “I… don’t know what we are, Blackjack. I know we’re friends. I like you a lot, and I want to do my best to support you. But… I also… I also don’t want you to miss out on things that make you happy. If you want to go buck Solidarity, please do. I don’t mind, honest.”
As I said it, there was a small part of me that was screaming in outrage. But I ignored her.
“You spend so much time trying to make sure that everypony else is safe and happy, and then you go and act like you really don’t deserve it yourself. And… as your… something, that makes me hurt for you,” I admitted quietly.
“Like I said. You understand me,” she murmured. “I’d really like to give you a brushing. If you’d rather not, then I’ll go and see how Solidarity takes flirting with a mare a third his age. But you get first priority, Thren. First and always.”
I let out a sigh of relief.
“I… okay. I’m sorry, Blackjack. I just… I am grateful for the offer, but… right now the idea of being that intimate is still really, really scary to me. I’m… probably not going to change that stance overnight. I’m working on it. But… it’s… gonna take me some time to be okay with that. And I cannot stress enough that this is my damage.” I said, shaking my head. “My lots of damage…”
“I get damage, Thren. Don’t worry.” And she leaned over and gave my cheek a little nuzzle before she rose. “Well then, I guess I’ll feel out Solidarity then. See if he’s friendly. After all, he might not be over his wife.”
She gave me one long look. One last moment to change my mind. Tell her! Roared that selfish little part of me. Tell her to stay and cuddle and make you feel good!
But I didn’t tell her. I nuzzled her cheek back instead.
“Oh, I’m… pretty sure you’ll find a way to persuade him,” I said with a tired smile. “But… thank you for helping me with my wings. It was super relaxing!” I offered her a smirk. “Now maybe I’ll be able to get to sleep before the squeaking of the mattress keeps me awake all night!”
“You think my preening spell is good. You should try my brushing spell,” she said with a smirk of her own and I felt an ethereal glowing brush manifest and caress its way through the dusty hide of my cheek. It vanished a second later, but why was I all... tingly. It had to be magic... dumb stupid unicorn cheating magic!
She turned on her hoof, giving me a little wink over her shoulder as she stepped out and closed the door. I lay there, alone, on a musty mattress, my mental fortifications still sound and my emotional fortress secure... save for one traitorous thought that was tisking softly and shaking her head.
Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
I awoke in an unfamiliar place, spurred to my hooves by the distinct absence of the musty old mattress I'd collapsed on when I'd gone to sleep. Scrambling to get my bearings, I discovered that I was in the middle of a nondescript paved street, and to my dawning horror, very much alone. Horror quickly gave way to panic as I looked around the uncannily clean crossroads of an unknown city. The cleanliness, calming at first, soon began to fill me with dread. Gone was the rubble, trash, and debris that I’d come to expect in a wasteland town. All had been repaved with smooth, pristine setts. And I could hear music playing!
Swivelling my ears around, I struggled to find the origin of the thin, almost... happy rhyme. It was unlike anything I had heard before, with lots of bright notes that made you want to smile. Well… it made me want to. I resisted the urge and instead warily made my way down the street toward the sound.
Poking my head around the corner, I took in the strangest sight the wasteland had given me yet. A pair of red-and-white striped tents lay ahead of me like two impossibly huge old-world confections, with multi-hued streamers run between them. A pair of smiling unicorn mares wearing red and white pinstripe aprons barred the small gated entry of the red and white-striped structure. Facing them, a lively line of pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies waited to be let in.
I couldn’t feel the energy coming from the group, but they looked ecstatic. Maybe I was a bit too far away, maybe I’d burned myself out talking with Blackjack earlier, but even with dulled senses, there was no mistaking the mood of the ponies before me. The fillies and colts along with their parents were positively beaming. Their excitement only added to my confusion as I watched them slowly pass off shiny papers to the pair of mares and be admitted beyond the the entrance to… whatever that was.
I couldn’t help but frown at the sight and turned back the way I came. As… intriguing as the spectacle was, I needed to know where my friends were. What was this city? Why was I here alone? Unless… the tents? No, they couldn’t be in there. They wouldn’t have gone in without me.
Would they?
I glanced around the corner yet again and saw that the line was gone. The pair of unicorns were the last ones outside.
Yet again I was spectating; as I was most often in life, it seemed. Other ponies did fun things. Other ponies had normal lives, without fear of being hurt. Other ponies didn’t feel like they had to hold themselves back. Other ponies acted... None spent their entire existence on the outskirts of life looking in, never really engaging.
But I wasn't those other ponies.
“Why is that, exactly, Threnody?”
The sudden voice in my ear startled me to the top of a nearby streetlamp. The top of it was just as unsettlingly clean as the rest of this place. I looked down and instantly tightened my jaw as I spotted the pudgy form of Peculiar, standing down on the ground grinning up at me.
“Oh dear me. Dear, dear, dear. I didn’t mean to startle you, Threnody,” he said, taking a step away from the streetlamp I clung to for dear life. “But I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t seem to want to go into the carnival.”
I glared down at him from my perch. It was solid and sturdy, so why did it feel so frighteningly insubstantial?
“What are you doing here?” I growled, trying my best to sound dangerous. “If Blackjack sees you near here I’m sure she-”
Peculiar made a tsk-tsk sound.
“Nuh, uh, uh! No threats. Little ponies shouldn’t threaten. It’s very rude!” he said, waggling a hoof at me. “And Blackjack isn’t here, Threnody. I brought you here because I wanted to talk with you. Somewhere… where I felt safe, but where I thought you might be able to relax.”
“I don’t relax. Anywhere!” I shouted down at him.
Peculiar’s features melted into a look of concern and pity.
“Well, that’s an unfortunate indictment of your mental state, Threnody,” he said gently. “There’s nowhere that feels safe to you? Dear me. Here I went through all this effort to teleport you to Seaddle for no reason.”
Seaddle? Wait, I was in Seaddle?! Oh, this was bad. Glitter was going to freak out, and Blackjack was going to cut a line straight through the Equestrian countryside along with everyone in her way.
“That… that’s a terrible idea! Are you fucking insane!?” I shouted down at him.
He gave me a surprisingly gentle smile.
“Well, I am not a learned Heartmender. So the jury is out on that, I suppose. Yes, completely out to lunch on whether or not I am insane! But! That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends! After all, aaaafter aall! You aren’t exactly the most stable pony either. Are you, Threnody?” he asked, tipping his top hat at me. “Or are you the only sane pony left in the wasteland?”
When you travel long enough with Blackjack, neither of those things can be certain. A bitter part of my mind muttered as I stared down at Peculiar. He wasn’t being threatening. He wasn’t trying to get into my head. So far as I could tell. While that set me on edge, he...
He also wasn’t trying to hurt me.
I frowned, and slowly released my grip on the lamp. I spread my wings and drifted down about four metres away from him. Standing firmly where he was, he simply quirked an eyebrow at me.
“So… am I less scary at ground level?” he asked, a wry grin on his muzzle.
“No,” I replied, and felt a small swell of satisfaction as he deflated a little bit. “You still make me really nervous. Like… I think you can somehow read minds, and I don’t get it! That’s really weird! I’ve never seen you cast a spell for it.”
Peculiar’s eyes lit up.
“Well… that, my dear mender of hearts, is a Family gift!” he explained foalishly as if he was showing off an art project. “My brother and I are the results of a long line of breeding. We can ‘read’ other ponies’ surface thoughts. While it wasn’t precisely what the Family was hoping for...” He trailed off as a wave of sadness and loneliness washed off of him. “Well… we make do with what talents we have, no?”
The tide of emotion that surged off of Peculiar stunned me. I’d… spent so much time afraid of him that I’d forgotten that he was a pony too. The sudden reminder that he wasn’t an unfeeling monster was jarring, and set me on edge. Memories forced themselves unbidden into the fore of my mind, replaying times when mom would come home crying after seeing a client. There as well, for a moment, she was also just a pony. Not this dark-eyed dead husk of a mare that I had to live with. A broken soul who in fleeting moments vaguely resembled a maternal figure.
“I suppose you’re right,” I said after a long moment. “Some days that really isn’t easy.”
Peculiar nodded sagely before taking a single step forward. Fear reflexively reared its head at his approach. I stiffened, but did my best to keep from scampering away. Or trying to, at least. I wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t resort to magic to keep me where he wanted.
“No, it isn’t. Such hard, haaard work for little, little heartmenders, no?” he asked, tilting his head to the side, too far, as usual, but not quite far enough to be creepy this time. He seemed to be going out of his way to mute his body language enough to show that he was interested in my answer without freaking me out.
Still. He’d have to do a lot better than that to win me over. I frowned back, planted right where I was. Heartmending took a toll on everyone, we all bore the scars, all of us. But I wasn’t going to let him use that against me to win points.
“Well, it’s… not that hard…” I lied.
Peculiar rolled his mismatched eyes at me.
“Oh, dear Threnody, why, why, whyyyy do you lie to me?” he asked. “I may not be a heartmender, but I can tell when ponies aren’t telling the truth.”
Keeping his distance, he trotted to my left.
“I’ve read so much about heartmenders. Using that much inner magic takes a terrible, terrible toll on you all, doesn’t it?” he asked. My eyes widened as I realised he’d read what I was thinking. Again!
“How many scars do you carry because you tried to take it all? All of the heavy, hurtful emotions of others? How many times have you been kept up at night by the pain of somepony else’s heartache, hmm? How can any of that be easy?”
It was the gentleness that hurt the most.
“So can we, maybe, perhaps, perchance, try to not lie to each other, if only for a little while?” Peculiar asked. “I won’t lie to you, because you’ll know. And you won’t lie to me, because I’ll know. So, truce?”
He took a step back as he waited for my answer. I looked the pudgy stallion over. He was still a unicorn, but he wasn’t all that much bigger than I was. Well, aside from his weight. I was pretty sure he’d crush my spine if he had a mind to sit on me.
I sighed and took a few tentative steps closer. “Okay, truce. I don’t like this one bit, and I do not appreciate being kidnapped and taken far away. Honestly, this entire thing has me freaked out.”
Peculiar sat down on his rump and raised his forelegs.
“I know, I know. I told them this was a horrible idea. Did they listen to poor, hard-done-by Peculiar at all? No! The Family wanted what it wanted. And it wanted you,” he explained, rolling his eyes. “I suppose my report on what happened to dear Sweetness’ face got them interested in you.”
My ears drooped at the mention of ironically-named mare.
“I… feel really bad about that. I didn’t know that could happen!” I mumbled. “It… was a really unfortunate accident, but she was hurting my wing.”
Peculiar nodded, an expression of understanding on his muzzle.
“Yes, yes, well… you promise to not melt my face, no?” he asked, getting to his hooves and taking a step closer.
I frowned. I didn’t like this situation. I felt trapped, exposed, and there were probably some hidden ponies spying on me. So, I took a gamble.
“Peculiar, what is it you want from me?” I asked. “And I mean it. I am terrified being here. I want you to tell me the truth!”
Peculiar crossed his heart with a hoof then covered one of his eyes.
“Cross my heart and hope to cry, stick a cupcake in my eye! I am telling you the truth! Every bit of it! The fair dinkum, as ponies across the sea used to say.” He gave me a gentle smile. “I simply want to spend the day with you. Let me take you to the Carnival. We have this every month. Everypony who lives under the Family’s protection loves to attend! And I do mean love! No mind control involved, I swear. No badgering! No cajoling! No prodding! Just good, clean fun. And I want you to share it with us!”
If he was lying, he was a great liar. I couldn’t sense any mischief from him. So I switched to the other pressing matter: being returned to my friends.
“And I can go back to my friends after the day is over if I want to? I won’t be kept here against my will, right?”
“You’ll be home by nightfall,” Peculiar replied with a worryingly broad grin that made me want to run for my life. It would have been really creepy on any other pony. On him, it was like being frozen in front of some monster that had teeth. Too many teeth. Way, way, way too many teeth.
Still, I could tell he wasn’t lying, which calmed me a little bit.
Just a little bit.
I shook my head and sighed.
“So… um, is the thing beyond those tents the Carnival?” I asked, getting to my hooves and trotting just a little bit closer to him. Not too close, though. He was still really creeping me out. But... if I had to spend the day with him, I figured I might as well try to get somewhat comfortable with his proximity.
“Yes! Somehow, the amusement park managed to survive relatively undamaged after the great war ended,” Peculiar explained, slowly leading me around the corner toward the pair of mares that guarded the tents.
“When Stable 12 opened her great doors wide, we found a shattered city. The few ponies that remained were frightened, sick, and lost. So very, very lost. Surviving alone for two hundred years on their own left deep scars on their minds and bodies. But we, the Family, had food to share and resources to start rebuilding. To fashion communities anew!”
Peculiar waved a hoof over the buildings that, for the wasteland, at least looked slightly less gore-splattered and more… well, just war-damaged. If anything, the Family had at least bothered to clean up the streets of the rubble and litter. I would not have to pick my way around here like I would through the ruins of a city like Hoofington — which sounds exactly like something Blackjack would propose. I shuddered at the thought.
“So that’s what we’ve been doing. Bringing stability back to the wasteland. Guiding ponies back to a more… civilized society.”
I flicked my left ear as I listened to him pontificate. This did not parse with what I had seen of the Family back in Fold. If anything, this seemed to be the pretty pamphlet version you were given before the cult asked you to drink the ‘special’ punch.
The faded and worn-out fabric of the tents somehow blocked any and all noise coming from inside of the Carnival as we approached the two mares standing guard at the entrance. Gone were their smiles, now both wearing expressions that I read as listless disinterest at our approach. Which, seemed kind of fitting, given how still-life the entire setup appeared to be. I opened my mouth to reply to Peculiar, but my initial thought died a silent death as the bouncers looked me over with what appeared to be… apprehension?
“So… what happened back in Fold, then?” I asked as we stopped in front of the pair of ponies standing watch at the entrance to the Carnival. “It felt like…”
The whole place suddenly burst into a joyful clamour of voice and emotion that streamed out from between the two tents. It startled me badly enough that I sprung slightly on my hooves. My ears flicked and popped as I listened to the sounds of hundreds of ponies milling about inside. Talking, eating wonderful-smelling food I didn’t recognize. And… and they were laughing. Fillies and colts along with their parents looked like they were having… fun?
Silly, tinny music echoed over the confused burble of a hundred different conversations. Shrieks of delight offered occasional punctuation to the din. Then, something out of view whoosed over the crowd, leaving an odd clacking in its wake.
“It felt like…?” Peculiar asked, breaking me out of my wonderment.
“Sorry… I just… I’m trying to figure out what I’m looking at,” I admitted.
“The Carnival, of course! I thought I said that already!” Peculiar teased. He levitated up a small bag decorated with orange and purple swirls and pulled out ten golden bits. “For the filly and myself, my good mare!”
I watched as the bouncer retrieved the bits and levitated a single silver coin back to Peculiar, who placed it in his little bag. She fixated on me a moment and smiled. It was a quaint, false smile. Her lips quavered upward before I could get even the faintest sense of happiness, and what little I felt was weak and indistinct at best. It was awkward to look at her, so I broke eye contact and instead focussed on Peculiar’s coin bag.
“What-?” I mumbled as I looked back at the bag. “Don’t you use caps in Seaddle?”
Peculiar huffed, his features miffed with passing snit before a broad, patronizing smile crawled up his lips.
“One of the first pieces the Family brought back to impose order in Seaddle were the Equestrian bits of the old world. Pardon me the pun. We took the reserves left in pre-war banks and re-established the sovereign bit as the currency standard! There was some opposition since we devalued caps, but… well, sovereigns do look so much nicer, don’t they?” he asked while we waited for the two unicorn mares to slowly shuffle out of our way to let us into the Carnival.
Frowning at the two excruciatingly slow bouncers, I followed in Peculiar’s hoofsteps. The change in money, even with the cheer that Peculiar presented it with seemed like a bad idea. Paper bits could be found anywhere, and usually were worth something like a fifth of a cap, depending on the pony you tried to exchange them with. To be honest, they weren’t even good for toilet paper. Too scratchy. But… the coins Peculiar was using seemed to be made of gold. Or some kind of precious metal.
“What was that silver coin for?” I asked.
My reactions were tested once again as I was forced to dodge a face full of Peculiar’s hindquarters. He’d stopped abruptly and was looking down his snout at with a slight frown that had me pause. He gave a long, exasperated sigh before motioning me forward with a jerk of his head.
“Threnody, I can’t help but notice that when we talk, you always try to lag a bit behind. It does make it so very very hard to talk to you when you do that.”
I blinked. “Oh… I… I’m sorry…” I said. “I, uh… do that a lot…”
As I trotted up to his side, Peculiar hit me again with a look of sympathy that surprisingly matched his emotions beneath. I wasn’t used to such tensed frankness, not least from Peculiar.
“Oh my dear dear girl, you must learn not to do that! It’s demeaning to your stature as a gifted filly,” he said sharply, before smiling again. “Now… you were asking about the silver coin, no?”
I was still trying to process why he was calling me a gifted filly. I simply nodded and let him explain as he led me deeper into the Carnival. All around us ponies milled about, but I couldn’t seem to focus on any one conversation. I was in an echoing sea of vague voices, but the only pony I heard with any clarity was Peculiar.
Ponies gathered in couples, crowds and families as we made our way through them. It felt like there were an absurd amount of twins in the crowd. Then again, Sweetness and her brothers had been a set of quadruplets. Maybe that was another quirk of the Family’s creepy genetics programme?
“The silver coin you saw was a crown. Most ponies probably overlook them. They went out of style about a hundred years before the Great War but we felt they should be brought back. There are plenty of collections of old silver coins to be melted down and re-minted,” he said, levitating the coin in front of me. On the front was a regal-looking unicorn stallion. He rotated it so I could see the small shield on the back, stamped with the words ‘Royal Crown.’ “It’s made purchasing goods and supplies much easier. I mean… how often have you run into situations where something costed three to a cap, but you only wanted one?”
Not very often. I was still trying to get accustomed to having more than a few caps to scrape together. Being able to buy supplies had been an awesome experience that I'd not been able to have before Sandalwood fixed my pay. It made me wonder how my mother was faring now that her daughter was properly paid, which took away her drinking money.
Peculiar shook his head. “That’s a rather dark thought to have about your own mother.”
I glared at him.
“Why don’t you poke your nose around in my head a little more. Maybe you’ll find out why I feel that way about her. She’s-” I squeaked as a trio of earth pony fillies came sprinting out of the crowd and rocketed past me. One of them carried a large pink teddy bear in her mouth. I couldn’t quite believe it when I’d seen it from afar, but up close, there was no denying it. They really did look genuinely happy. And the stuffed bear that the filly carried as she scurried off to follow her friends looked… pristine. Not threadbare and well-loved like my darling Scootaloo plushie, but soft and new. And given the dust kicked up by the trio as they made their way through the crowd, far cleaner than it had any right to be.
“Do… you have a soft toy factory up and running?” I asked, suddenly distracted by the retreating trio of fillies. They could have been triplets, with identical bows in their pink manes and tails. Maybe they were?
Peculiar sighed. “Do you always pry into the minute details of everypony’s life? Threnody, that will just make you miss the big picture! I feel like you’re doing exactly that with your mother: focussing on the minutiae while missing that, at the end of the day, she is your parent, your dam, your progenitor! The one who gave you life, Threnody.”
I shook my head. “Could we maybe not talk about my mom?” I asked before a thought struck me. “Wait. Can we talk about my dad?! We found a computer of yours in Fold. It said you knew who my dad was!”
Peculiar gave me a puzzled look. “I’m sorry?”
I frowned at him.
“Peculiar, there was a terminal in your old room. Glitter guessed the password and pulled a file that said you had a profile matching me with another pegasus’ records. You know who my dad is! Please, tell me!” I begged.
Peculiar frowned a moment, then made a soft ‘ah’ sound.
“Well… I don’t actually know the answer to that, Threnody. You see, those private records that you found were anonymised. The data therein is not personally identifying. The protocols we used to construct them were from before the war, apparently when they were much more concerned with privacy. I had requested more information on your father, you see, but… we were rudely asked to leave Fold before I could receive a definitive answer,” he explained. “It never occured to me to follow up on that, dear, so… I’m afraid I don’t know who your dear daddy is…”
I could tell that he wasn’t lying. I hated that I could tell that he wasn’t lying! I wanted him to lie, but no. He had to be telling the truth.
The undisguised concern emanating from Peculiar definitely didn’t help my mood.
“Well, maybe after we have you home, I can find a way to contact you again?” he said, trotting deeper into the Carnival. “I mean, we could exchange pipbuck tags and send each other messages! Oh! That would make us like pen-pals! I always wanted one of those.”
I tried not to grimace as I followed after him. I was fairly certain I didn’t want to be the pen-pal of a madpony, no matter how much he could control his lunacy.
“Look, let’s not think about stuff like the Family, or family in general, or anything that gets us both upset, okay?” Peculiar asked, heading over toward a free standing caravan-esque cart. “Just you and me and the Carnival today?”
The smells wafting from the wide-open hatch on the cart’s side made my mouth water. I smelled cinnamon and sugar, along with several other scents that I couldn't quite place. They were potent, but… they kinda blended together in a strange mélange that was really good, but… also tinged with artificiality. Probably because of all the pre-war preservatives that went into the base ingredients of the treats.
“What… is an elephant ear?” I asked after reading the sign on the cart. The cart’s sign actually read “Elephantt”, and I was suddenly concerned that these ponies were eating elephants. If there were any left in Equestria anymore. I knew this was all too good to be true!
“Oh, it’s not what you’re thinking! It’s nothing more ghoulish than an extra inch or two on the waistline!” Peculiar said with a smile, before ordering two from the stallion behind the counter. “It’s an old world treat. One that was very easy to reproduce. Once we were able to get some crops growing at least. A bit of wheat flour for the dough, a bit of oil and… ah, thank you, sir!”
Peculiar passed over a pair of silver crowns in exchange for two very large pieces of fried… heaven really.
The ‘elephant ear’ could have been as large as one, and looked like more food than I’d eat in a week. It was covered in sugar and smelled strongly of artificial cinnamon. I sat down on my haunches, awkwardly holding the large piece of fried dough in my hooves. Taking a bite, I realised the taste was far better than the somewhat artificial scent. It took me a moment to register that Peculiar even spoken, let alone that he’d asked me a question.
“I said, did you want me to hold it for you?” he asked again, a small smirk on his muzzle.
“I… oh… um…”
I looked back and forth between the treat and my wing. I didn’t want him helping me out, but… cinnamon and sugar also sounded like hell to preen out of my wings.
“Yes, please…” I relented a moment later.
Peculiar beamed as he held my elephant ear in his magic. It struck me that this whole situation seemed like how I imagined a colt bringing a filly on their first date would play out. That thought sickened me a little. But I really, really didn’t want to make a mess of my wing if I needed to flee. So I shoved that thought way down and hesitated before taking another bite.
Cinnamon sugary goodness filled my mouth. I’d never tasted something like this, the guilt of knowing I was going to put about five kilos straight onto my flanks was dwarfed by the pleasure. And I wanted more. Peculiar chuckled while I ravaged the treat with reckless abandon. He only took small, delicate bites meanwhile as we meandered through the Carnival.
Ponies were playing all around us. Lights were flashing. Small, happy notes of tinny, barely audible music drifted down from the speakers positioned above our heads. There were games where ponies exchanged bits and crowns to try to win stuffed animals and other prizes. There were some sorts of… machines, I lacked the words to describe them. Ponies rode what looked like teacups that spun them around until some of them started looking green.
I had to look away and focus on my hooves for a moment. Maybe it was just because there was so much going on at once, but I felt like everything was moving too quickly for me to pin down the details of what I was seeing. Everything was a bright and exciting blur of ponies having fun. So much so that I frustrated myself by realising that I was tending to register ponies as globs and groups rather than individuals as they felt and looked and acted so similarly as to be almost indistinguishable from one another.
At the centre of it all was a massive contraption that looked like it belonged in a mine. Built on what resembled rickety wooden beams, a small series of cars raced around a track that followed small hills and swirls, and even went upside down at one point. The ponies in the carts looked like they were strapped in, shrieking with delight at each twist and turn as they raced around the track.
“Peculiar, what is that?” I asked, the elephant ear forgotten for a moment.
He quirked an eyebrow at me, then looked up at the contraption.
“Oh! That is the Timber Shivers! The pride and joy of the Carnival!” he said excitedly. “It’s called a rollercoaster. Ponies in the old world rode them for fun! Can you believe that?”
“Well, I kind of have to,” I replied dryly, taking a bite of my elephant ear. I realised the treat was half gone, but… I didn’t feel full. I frowned as a feeling disquiet settled over me as I looked at the elephant ear, then looked up as Peculiar continued.
“Nearly every theme park in the old world had one. It takes you on an exciting trip around those tracks! There’s no danger of getting hurt or flying out, or anything bad happening really, except possibly losing your lunch. Or getting someone else’s! Still, some ponies find it quite exhilarating!” he said with an excited gleam in his eye that didn’t bode well for me. “Did you want to try it?”
I bit my lip.
“Um…” I watched the carts careen around the corner at what looked like a very unsafe speed. “M-maybe later…”
Peculiar pouted slightly.
“Well, if you change your mind, let me know,” he said, restarting our wanderings through the mess of colours and ponies and Carnival lights. “I think you’d have a lot of fun with it!”
I frowned. Maybe. But it still didn’t look safe at all!
“Hee hee! That’s part of the fun!” He giggled back foalishly.
As we walked about, a flash of red and yellow caught my attention. A pretty female unicorn with an amber coat wandered through the crowd, looking lost. I stopped for a moment and couldn’t help but stare at her and how… very out of place she seemed. Anywhere else, she’d be just another face in the crowd, but here, she stood out just by being… distinct. Her flowing red and yellow mane felt lifelike and real next to rest of the crowd which I was still registering more as collections of pony-like objects rather than living ponies. She also felt familiar. But I couldn’t for the life of me pin down why.
As I watched her, my eyes drifting to her very shapely flanks and fiery cutie mark that reminded me of the sun undergoing an eclipse, I realised why she’d caught my eye. When she moved, it was like she wasn’t in tune with the world. Like I was watching her through the strobing light of a magical energy weapon firing in the darkest of nights. A pale teal aura surrounded her, accenting the movements that seemed like they should be smooth and graceful, but my eyes interpreted as slowed and… delayed.
Peculiar stopped as well.
“What are you looking at?” he asked, shifting around to see what’d caught my eye. .
Between the moment my attention had shifted from her and back, the mare was gone.
“I-I was just looking at a filly with a pretty mane,” I said lamely, finding it hard to explain why that mare had caught my eye.
He quirked an eyebrow at me.
“Threnody,” he said gravely. “Do you like fillies?”
“Wh-what!? N-no! Of course not!” I stammered. “I-I-I mean I’ve been known to look at them on occasion!” A lot, my brain helpfully added. “B-but that doesn’t mean anything.”
Peculiar surprised me with a laugh. “You know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, right?” he asked with more of that confusing gentleness. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
I frowned. “To be honest, from what I know of you and the Family, it… made me think that you’d be very much against the notion of erm… fillies liking fillies,” I admitted. “With you and your Family’s emphasis on good breeding and all.”
He sighed. “Threnody, not only do we want to bring back some of the old world to the Equestrian wasteland, like those coins I showed you earlier, but also keep the ideals that have stood for thousands of years! Nopony has ever been judged for being a filly who liked fillies, or a stallion who likes stallions. Why should they? The Family provides the most modern medicine to the ponies of Seaddle, allowing them access to things like surrogacy, egg extraction, or in vitro fertilization. We’ve perfected spells that let mares have children with other mares, and that allow stallions who love each other to have children of their own. The Family cares about good breeding, and allowing the next generation of children to be even more superior to their parents.”
“And while I know it’s always a bit of a difficult process to come to that understanding of whom or what you would like to have children with, rest assured, there’s nothing wrong with being a filly who likes mares, or a colt who likes stallions. Or a pony who likes both partners, or wants to have a family unit with more than one partner. While we realise that having a nuclear family of a stallion and a mare tends to have the best results for rearing foals, sometimes exceptions must be made. These are natural extensions of what it means to be Equine, Threnody. Would it surprise you to know that I prefer looking at boys myself?” He asked, tilting his head to the side at an angle that was just a little too extreme for my comfort.
I blinked at him. W-What? Then why was he… acting like we were on a date?
“Really?” I asked.
“Really, really!” Peculiar replied. “Something about stallions, their strength and just...mmm. Don’t you think so?”
“I… I mean, I like looking at Bubblegum,” I admitted cautiously.
The pudgy stallion bit his lip.
“Oh my, he is rather delicious to look at, isn’t he? I bet he’d be even more fun to be under!” he whispered conspiratorially.
I… honestly hadn’t thought of Bubblegum quite that way, but now that he’d put the idea in my head, my brain was doing things that I really wished it wouldn’t and a particularly deep blush began to heat my cheeks. “I… I hadn’t uh, really considered... it… um. Oh dear…”
Peculiar frowned. “I… feel I’ve made you a bit uncomfortable.”
“Really, this day has made me uncomfortable, Peculiar…”
The stallion snorted.
“Well, yes, I know that, we covered that already!” he snapped. “But I can’t help but notice that the mention of sexuality has put you very much on edge.”
“I don’t like to talk about it!” I snapped back. “There’s nothing wrong with that!”
Peculiar’s eyebrow raised ever so slightly.
“No, there’s not,” he pondered. “However, I do find it curious that the mare you travel with, Blackjack. That is her real name, isn’t it? – is one of the more licentious mares that the Wasteland has to offer.”
I stiffened as Peculiar used Blackjack’s real name. How the hell did the Family know about her? There… there was no way that they’d gotten that from any of us!
A shiver went down my spine. What if I was the weak one, and that’s how Peculiar knew about her!?
Unable to control my surface emotions, my facial expression twisted enough for Peculiar to burst out laughing.
“My dear filly, do you really think that the world revolves around you?” he asked, trotting around me, forcing me to crane my neck to follow him. “No, my dear girl. It wasn’t you, silly thing, that got us that information. Even before the bombs fell, the Family was always very good at… making friends in high places. Yes, very high places! And having those friends sometimes helps you figure out things ponies want to keep hidden.”
He tapped the rim of his tophat.
“Just because I can read your surface thoughts doesn’t mean I’m always in there! Always searching, sifting, scraping!” He shook his head. “No, we just found a nice, new friend to help us out! And my, my! What a story they had to tell! That the Heartmenders sent you – their youngest, newest heartmender – out all alone with one of the most vile, vulgar, and deadliest mares in the wasteland! Honestly! What was Heartshine thinking?”
That Blackjack was going through Heartmenders almost as fast as she was bottles of whiskey? I thought as I stared him down. “I… was the only one left that–”
Peculiar waved his hoof dismissively.
“Yes, yes, I know that, dear. We both know that. Must you bring it up? Yes, you are her last hope and all but really… what does Heartshine expect you to do with her? I mean, she’s basically a house-trained raider! And even then she still sometimes craps on the carpet!”
“She’s not like that!” I shouted back, then immediately looked around at the crowd. Nopony responded to my outburst. They all went diligently on about the business of enjoying themselves like I wasn’t even there . Most ponies, even though they liked to deny it, would have been very interested in the drama of a filly yelling at a stallion. But nopony in the crowd so much as made an attempt at feigned disinterest. They just kept having their unintelligible conversations with their friends or partners or families, and kept moving through the Carnival without so much as a sideways glance.
“Hush, hush… now, now. I’m only saying that because I want to protect you, Threnody!” Peculiar crooned. “But I do see that I’m upsetting you. So maybe we should just… do something else for a while? I dare say I don’t want to ruin my– your day with me!”
I blinked several times as I tried to process the emotional whiplash Peculiar had just put me through. I wasn’t sure if this was just how he was, or if he was intentionally toying with me. Something told me he was actually trying to be kind, in… his own twisted way, but then... it was like he’d hit me coming with a compliment and going with a backhoofed insult. It was very disorienting, and I was rapidly losing patience with it. With him. With this stupid Carnival with weird ponies that made no sense!
Worse, I was beginning to suspect I wasn’t actually in Seaddle. Where was I? I wanted out!
I stomped off away from him toward one of the events. The stallion running it stood in the way as I stormed towards the entrance of the ‘Hall of Mirrors.’ It wasn’t an escape, but I’d be away from Peculiar for a little while at least. I might even lose him in there if I was really lucky. I ignored the stupid stallion’s muffled bleatings as I shoved him aside, and strode inside to sulk. It struck me that I expended almost no effort to move him. He toppled like a pile of papers. Surely that elephant ear hadn’t made me that fat so quickly!
I wasn’t sure what I’d expected to find when I wandered in, but true to its name, the hall of mirrors had… well, many mirrors. Big, small, strangely angled, oddly distorted, all shapes and forms were displayed. I walked up to a large mirror and looked myself over.
I immediately regretted that choice. Something in the mirror made me look fat, obese to the point I felt something inside me shatter.
I burst out sobbing as I sat there, facing a mirror that displayed the worst image I had of myself. Bloated. Useless. And now here I was, trapped in this freakshow with the ringleader complete with tophat! Home, he’d promised me. I wanted it now!
A soft thunk drew me out of my miserable pit of self-loathing. I looked around for the sound, half-expecting it to be Peculiar’s plodding hoofsteps. But as the sound repeated itself, I realised it was coming from one of the mirrors!
Skewing an ear to the side, I trotted over to examine the furniture. The frame was shaped like an old-style horseshoe and appeared to be made out of some sort of purple heartwood. Several amethysts were embedded in the frame where the nails would have been. At the arch of the shoe, a small decorative column supported a pane of stained glass that displayed a prancing purple unicorn. The entire affair was surrounded by decorative wrought iron.
Not being able to see my reflection in the mirror confused me. Rather, the mirror showed another room that I didn’t recognize.
The amber mare from earlier appeared on the other side of the mirror. She had a panicked look in her very pretty blue eyes. After a moment of hesitation, she locked them with mine. I uncomfortably stared into her icy irises until she breathed against the glass, fogging up a portion of the mirror. As I watched, she used her magic to haltingly write three words.
Open. Your. Eyes.
Well, they were open… I tilted my head to the side as I tried to process what was happening. In an instant, her face contorted with terror. She waved her hooves, the same strange afterimages blurring her movement as she backed away, mouthed words like a pleading macabre mime artist. A shadow cast over her as a familiar silhouette walked to face me from around the mirror on the other side. Dealer. The apparition flipped over a card, showing me the Tower. As both faded from view, I met my own reflection and Peculiar standing behind me.
Slowly, I turned to face him. The pudgy stallion didn’t have that same gentle smile on his face anymore. He looked, felt, enraged.
“You just couldn’t be happy here with me, could you?” Peculiar drawled. “Now you’re trying to make up things, excuses, so you can leave? After all I’ve done with– for you?!” he screeched.
I lay my ears back at his sudden and intense anger.
“I-I-I… I just… I needed to get away a minute!” I stammered. “What was that mirror?”
I ducked as Peculiar’s horn fired a bolt of magic at the mirror. When the pieces had finished falling, I noticed that the shattered remains were of glass and common brown wood. Not the beautiful purple heartwood from before!
“That mirror was nothing! Nothing at all! You should have not seen it! I don’t know how you saw it, but it’s not fair!” he seethed through his teeth as he stomped the laminated floor with his forehooves. “Not fair, not fair. Not! Faaaair!” he shrieked.
That’s when it hit me.
Open your eyes. That’s what the mare had written.
Pieces began to fall into place. The reason why I didn’t remember being moved the night before. The reason why I’d felt disconnected from the crowd, hearing vaguely, watching dully, almost not feeling at all. The reason why I’d eaten an entire elephant ear but didn’t feel my stomach fill.
“You never brought me to Seaddle. This isn’t even real!” I shouted back at him, splaying out my wings to make myself look bigger. “You somehow got into my head again. This is all a dream!”
“No! No, it’s not!” Peculiar shouted back, his voice rising to the piercing screech of a spoiled brat having a tantrum. “This is not a dream. You are going to spend the day with me! You promised! You must! You have to!”
I glared back at him. “No. What I must do is get out of here. I’m opening my eyes. Now!”
Each day we are becoming a creature of splendid glory, or one of unspeakable horror. No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
This is a story about a very silly filly by the name of Glitter Bomb. She didn’t know that she was silly– that came much later. But she knew she was a filly, and a good one at that! Mommy said so. And she said so a lot, which must have meant that she was a very good filly.
Being a filly and what it meant wasn’t something that Glitter thought about a lot. She knew that she was shorter than everypony else, and usually had to ask the taller ponies – adults, mommy called them – for help to get things out of reach. She had an idea that being a filly meant she was different from the other strange-looking little ponies called ‘colts.’ Whatever the actual difference was though, it didn't concern Glitter too much. She didn’t get to spend a lot of time around them anyway. Mommy was often busy with her work and so was Glitter. Daddy had gone off to do something called ‘war,’ which sounded very scary to Glitter and made mommy very sad whenever it was brought up. One day, a mare in a pretty green uniform came by to tell them both that daddy was ‘missed in action.’ For Glitter, it just meant she got to spend more time with mommy.
Mommy sometimes cried about being daddy missing. Glitter was sad too, even if she didn’t quite understand.
So Glitter got to go with her mommy to work a lot. The place where mommy worked was big and underground, and had a lot of things that Glitter was told not to touch. It also had a name that Glitter found hard to pronounce. So, she and mommy took to calling it Marigold in private.
But Marigold wasn’t a fun place to be for a filly. Mommy always had to ask other ponies to watch over Glitter while she was off doing ‘science.’ Sometimes that meant that Glitter got to play with Gestalt and Mosaic! They were fun ponies to play with, ‘cause they did cool things like finishing each other’s sentences. They also asked Glitter what she saw in splotches of ink. They taught Glitter the word purple, and told her that was the colour of her coat. Glitter was very happy to learn that.
But the green unicorn twins were often busy. That meant Glitter had to be watched by somepony else on occasion. Sometimes she found herself in the office of a very lonely mare named Twilight Sparkle. Miss Twilight was very nice, and her coat was the same color as Glitter’s! The older unicorn had a voice that danced musically in a way that reminded Glitter of the silly robots that sometimes floated around outside. Miss Twilight often had books for Glitter to read too. But… she always looked sad when Glitter had to go home with mommy for some reason. So Glitter didn’t enjoy spending time with Miss Twilight as she did Gestalt and Mosaic!
But one day, both Gestalt and Mosaic were in Canterlot with Miss Twilight. Finding a foalsitter had been hard for mommy at Marigold.
“Isn’t there anyone who can watch Glitter today?” Mommy asked, trotting through the crosswalks of the place.
“Why don’t you see if Trixie can watch her today?” one of the stallions replied, giving Glitter a happy smile and a wave.
Mommy didn’t look happy at that. Still, she lifted Glitter onto her back and trotted toward the back of Marigold. It was dark back there. That scared Glitter quite a bit! She wasn’t sure that mommy was picking the best pony to play with if she liked to stay in the dark.
“Miss Trixie?” Mommy called, flipping on the room’s lightswitch. “I-I’m sorry to bother you, but I… couldn’t get a foalsitter again and… well, Mr. Arclight said to ask if you could watch my daughter for the day. This is Glitter Bomb.”
A silver-maned unicorn with a coat that reminded Glitter of the sky stirred in the corner of a couch. As she moved, she knocked several bottles off of the arms of the sofa. As the yucky bottles rolled on the floor, Glitter crinkled up her nose at the smell of the liquid dripping out.
“Yeah… whatever…” The mare said in a voice that sounded like honey poured over a gravel path. “I’ll make sure she doesn’t wander off and drink something that’ll turn her into a tulip.”
Mommy didn’t seem to think it was funny, but she laughed anyway and thanked miss Trixie. When Mommy left, she gave Glitter a big hug and told her to be good. Glitter thought this was silly. She was always good! And purple! That made her doubly good!
Miss Trixie sat up and looked at Glitter with pink and purple eyes. They were very pretty, but she also looked tired in a way that scared Glitter for some reason that she couldn’t explain.
“All right, little monster,” she said, fixing Glitter with a frown. “What am I gonna do with you?”
“Play with me?” Glitter asked, giving miss Trixie her biggest smile.
Glitter didn’t like being called a monster. She wasn’t one! She was a good filly! But miss Trixie looked tired and Glitter wondered if maybe that wasn’t making her a little cranky.
The blue mare frowned harder. Glitter didn’t think it was possible to do that and she worried that Miss Trixie’s face might even get stuck that way.
“Ugh, fine. We suppose we can… play,” she said, getting up off of the couch. Her pale purple magic lifted up all the stinky bottles and dropped them in a bin. “Though, can you play by yourself for a few minutes while Trixie goes and washes up a moment?”
Glitter nodded.
“Yeah! I made sure to bring some toys so I can play um… quietly! Mommy says that good fillies play quietly when they’re being watched by ponies who aren’t mommy!” she said, shaking her tail. Out fell her favourite dinosaur! “I’ll play with Mr. Chompers!”
Miss Trixie took on a smile that Glitter didn’t have a word for at the time. Wistful would be the word she’d use later. But right then she was just happy to make the blue mare smile.
So Glitter played with Mr. Chompers! They had a great many adventures running around in Miss Trixie’s room! It turned out that Miss Trixie had a whole apartment to explore and play in! Parts of it were kind of messy, so Glitter and Mr. Chompers stayed away from there, spending most of the time in the living room.
But dinosaurs don’t know many games, and soon she got bored of playing hopscotch with Mr. Chompers. He always cheated and won! So Glitter began to explore the room as Miss Trixie took her time in the shower.
That’s when Glitter stumbled upon a hidden treasure! Mr. Chompers jumped across the room from the back of the couch, ending up hiding behind a treasure chest. Glitter had to stretch her magic really hard to reach him, but in doing so, she accidentally opened the chest.
Glitter looked around. She knew she should just close the lid! Good fillies would close the lid and not snoop!
But Glitter couldn’t help it. She was still a good filly, but she was also a very curious one! And the chest was full of so many wonderful things!
A hat and cape with stars and moons on it! Magic wands! Flowers! A top hat made of felt! Glitter lifted the hat and cape out of the chest and put them on! With these she could be a magician! The Great Glitter!
She was so excited about being Equestria’s best magician that she didn’t notice Miss Trixie had come back. Glitter’s ears drooped as she realised she’d been caught.
She opened her mouth to apologize, but stopped when she saw that Miss Trixie was crying. So Glitter started crying, worrying that she’d done something terribly bad! She didn’t want to be a bad filly!
“You really are a little monster, aren’t you?” Miss Trixie hissed, wiping tears from her purple eyes.
That made Glitter cry harder. She didn’t want to be a monster! No one else had called her a monster before! Monsters were bad! She never wanted to be as bad as a monster!
But Miss Trixie came over and gently wrapped her hooves around Glitter’s barrel and pulled her close.
“Shh… shh… it’s okay, little monster. You just made Trixie… remember some things about herself that she doesn’t like to think about.”
Her voice was softer now, her rocky voice becoming more silky.Miss Trixie lifted up Glitter’s chin, and wiped away the tears from her cheeks.
“So… why are you wearing that hat and cape?” Miss Trixie asked, looking at Glitter like Mommy did after the young filly had made another one of her macaroni noodle art projects.
“Oh!” Glitter replied excitedly. “I am gonna be the Great Glitter Bomb! The bestest magician in Equestria!” she said, striking a pose. Or she tried to, only to have the hat slide down over her eyes.
Glitter struggled to lift up the brim of the star-studded hat as miss Trixie laughed brightly. It was a pretty laugh, Glitter thought. Like the sound the stars probably made when they danced. If stars could.
“Well, I think first we need to work on that name,” Trixie said, lifting the hat off of Glitter’s head. “Hmm… something with more pop!”
“You mean great isn’t good enough?” Glitter asked.
Miss Trixie shook her head.
“No. We need something better than that!” she said, tapping a hoof to her chin. “How about the Glamorous Glitter Bomb?”
Glitter wasn’t sure what that meant, but glamorous sounded really nice!
“I could be glamorous, I guess?” Glitter replied, happy to make Miss Trixie smile.
So Miss Trixie and Glitter became fast friends! Miss Trixie taught Glitter all sorts of fun little spells. Spells for sparkles. Spells for glitter and lights. Spells to make it look like she was sneaking Mr. Chompers into Miss Trixie’s felt hat! Glitter got really good at that one. One day, she even pulled Mr. Bear, her stuffed ursa major toy, out instead of Mr. Chompers. Miss Trixie said she was very impressed, at least from the other side of the couch until Mr. Bear went back to his home in Glitter’s tail.
One day, those spells got Glitter her cutie mark. Miss Trixie and mommy cried a lot that day. Glitter never forgot how happy Miss Trixie was for her, and how she kept saying “Don’t be like me, Glitter. Never become a washed up has-been like me!” over and over and over again.
Glitter didn’t understand what that meant, but she was glad to hear that mommy and Miss Trixie were proud of her.
But not every day with Miss Trixie was fun. Sometimes, Miss Trixie got angry with Glitter. During those times, she was no longer the Glamorous Glitter Bomb. Then, she was just ‘the little monster.’ It always hurt a lot to hear. Sometimes it was because she was maybe a little bad. Like the time she accidentally broke a vase. But other times it was for reasons that Glitter didn’t understand.
And it made Glitter worry that maybe, deep down, she really was a monster.
Then one day some very, very bad things happened. All the ponies outside were scared. And then, the ground shook. Glitter hid underneath Miss Trixie’s bed as the loud booming sounds made parts of the ceiling fall in. She heard ponies screaming. Ponies crying. Ponies making noises that were too scary for words. Then, nothing.
The nothing scared Glitter the most.
Pretty soon she wasn’t feeling very well. She was dizzy and sick to her tummy. So Glitter walked out to try to find Miss Trixie or Mommy. Instead, she found something scary. A great, big, blue monster wriggling and swirling in the pretty potion that was in the vats that lay below the catwalks. Glitter screamed when the blue pony-monster looked at her.
“Oh Glitter, it’s you! Don’t be afraid!” the monster said in Miss Trixie’s voice. And Miss Twilight’s voice. And Misses Gestalt and Mosaic’s voices.
That made Glitter even more scared. She started to cry.
“Shh, shh… it’s okay, little monster. We’re gonna make everything better. Trixie… no… The Goddess knows best!”
“Th-the Goddess?” Glitter asked, trying to figure out what that new word meant.
“Yes, Glitter, the Goddess. We need a more glamorous name now. Just Trixie surely wouldn’t do!”
The last clear memory Glitter had was crying as she was picked up by the Goddess’ magic, and pulled into the potion.
Then she was a lot bigger! And she could hear all sorts of ponies! And her tummy didn’t hurt at all!
But the Goddess wasn’t nice. Not at all. She always yelled. Always complained that Glitter thought too loud. Always threatened to give the annoying parts of Glitter to Lacunae. That made Glitter really sad. It was hard for her to show how sad she felt when her body wasn’t under her control, though. And sometimes the Goddess made Glitter do bad things. Mean things to other ponies. Glitter cried on the inside for days and days every time. And every time the Goddess caught her crying, she’d send more of her to stay with Lacunae.
Glitter liked Lacunae, even though Lacunae was always sad. But she always got jealous that Lacunae got to think and do what she wanted.
That Lacunae didn’t have to be a monster.
Glitter’s body did a lot of bad, mean things, and she had to watch all of it. Hear all of it. Feel and smell and taste all of it. That made her very sad as the memories of what the Goddess had her do churned and oozed and bubbled through her mind. They all made her very scared, and very, very sad. They made her worry that maybe she really was a monster after all. Over and over and over again she remembered the bad things. She wished and wished that she could change the moving pictures in her head. She wished so hard that she could, just for a little while, remember mommy instead.
Then she heard a voice. A voice she remembered from the time after the Goddess went away and she couldn’t hear the others any more.
“No. What I must do is get out of here. I’m opening my eyes. Now!” the voice said.
Glitter thought this was a good idea. She was getting very sad about remembering how right Miss Trixie was to call her a monster. When she would open her eyes, there would be things to do, so she didn’t have to remember the past. And there’d be friendly faces, so she wasn’t alone among all the frightened, crying and bloody ones...
“Puddle,” a gentle voice roused Puddle Splasher out of a light sleep.
She looked around and found herself in Stable 9’s classroom. The eyes of her friends and classmates were all on her. Some were amused, others irritated. Rhiannon, her teacher, showed patience, as ever. Puddle brushed a strand of mane out of her eyes as her cheeks flushed and her ears burned.
“S-sorry Miss Rhiannon!” she squeaked. “I… guess I didn’t sleep well last night!”
Rhiannon smiled warmly.
“Well, then perhaps, my little pony, you should spend a little more time resting, and a little less time waiting up for your parents to return?”
Puddle scrunched up her muzzle, and nodded. She had been staying up a bit later than usual. Mom and dad were helping expand the lower level of the Stable and no matter how late it got, she just couldn’t settle until they came back up. She couldn’t help it! Knowing that they were both working with those huge, rickety old digging machines scared her. She knew Rhiannon had a point about her needing to get a little more sleep, but still...
“As I was saying,” Rhiannon continued, trotting over to the well-worn blackboard. “Knowing that we all have our place here in the harmony of our Stable is very important. The Journal of Two Sisters teaches us that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna both recognized that friendship was key to maintaining harmony in Equestria. And that there are many ways in which the Elements of Harmony flow through each of us. Puddle Splasher, do you remember what are the six Elements of Harmony?”
Puddle nodded as she was called upon.
“The Elements of Harmony are the aspects of all of us that help create the magic of Friendship,” she recited from memory. “Those six elements are Kindness, Honesty, Generosity, Loyalty, Magic, and my personal favourite, Laughter! I mean, what would life be without something to smile about?”
“A very good question, Puddle,” Rhiannon replied. “Just remember, however, that you don’t get to choose your element. The element chooses you. You may also show all of those elements at different points in your life as your friendships grow. While Element Bearers are rare, I like to think that everypony can draw upon those elements to keep their friendships alive and vibrant.”
“Even if you happen to be the Element of Fart Jokes?” Puddle quipped.
The class broke out into a fit of giggles as Puddle beamed widely.
Rhiannon chuckled, but then her pretty blue eyes fell.
“Well, that may be for now, Puddle Splasher. But, do you always have to be Laughter? Because rumour has it that you are also quite kind. And, in its own way, comedy has a way of being honest about topics that are hard to discuss.” She gazed at the whole class. “I just want to caution you against buying into the idea that you can force yourself to be one element or the other, my little ponies. It is an attractive idea to be an Element Bearer. But! Given that there are only ever six at a time, the odds are not in your favour of you being one.”
She gave each and every student a sad, but soothing smile.
“Remember what Stable residents passed down from generation to generation. If you can simply learn to live by the Magic of Friendship, you are doing far better than the generations that came before us. Now, more about the Elements…”
Puddle zoned out a moment as Rhiannon reviewed content for the younger students. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to pay attention to the lecture. She just had a hard time believing somepony wouldn’t know themselves well enough to know which Element of Harmony they represented in their group of friends!
She made eye contact with Sagittarius. The midnight blue bat pony gave her a knowing smile and a shrug back.
Sagi – as most of their friends called him – was a bold, popular colt in their grade. She was happy to be his friend. He was also rather cute, which didn’t hurt things either. Though, it often meant that Puddle and her friends Sour Drops and Emerald Flash competed for his attention.
Besides that, Sour was just competing with Sagi to settle who was the better flier as often as she was with Emerald and Puddle for his attention. The pegasus filly often teased Sagi that she could fly circles around him; though it was even odds as to who won whenever they raced through the high parts of the cavern housing Stable 9’s field crops.
The clock on the wall chimed loudly and the entire class stirred around Puddle.
Rhiannon sighed, “Well, I suppose that’s it for today. Those of you who are interested in further reading can come by the Library Oak this afternoon. I have plenty of books on the Elements of Harmony. If you’re on your best behaviour, I might even let you look at Twilight Sparkle’s journal!”
The students began to file out of the classroom as Puddle got up from her desk and trotted over to Sagi. A twinge of annoyance rippled through her as a flicker of green coat and brown mane flashed into view next to him. Emerald had just learned her first teleportation spell and insisted on using it at every opportunity, even if it was just to cross a room.
“Hey Sagi~” Emerald purred as she leaned on the colt’s desk. “Doing anything this afternoon?”
The unicorn filly tried to give the colt her best smoulder as Puddle and Sour Drops trotted over to Sagittarius’ desk. Sagi scratched the back of his head with a wingthumb.
“Um… actually, yeah!” he said, earning Puddle a little bit of satisfaction as Emerald’s face fell. “Balmy Breeze and I are actually due to help out in the apple fields this afternoon. I also kinda promised him I’d help him work on his flying. Sorry about that, Emmy.”
“I-I mean, if you wanted to come too, th-that’d be okay, Emmy!” Balmy spoke up as he trotted up to the group.
The pegasus colt with a turquoise coat blushed brightly as he spoke, tugging lightly at his long mane. He’d had a massive crush on Emerald since the group of friends were little. That hadn’t changed much as they’d grown up either.
Emerald sighed, “Balmy, what do you expect me to do while you two work in the field? Watch? Supervise?! Cause, I sure as heck am not gonna be able to go flying with the two of you! Hmph!”
“Aww, come on, Emmy, don’t be like that!” Sagi soothed. “I mean, if you, Puddle, and Sour wanted to join us, you could always swing by the Library Oak to study. Balmy and I can grab you fillies when we’re done with our work for the day!”
“W-we’re not actually going to grab you, though. At least not, like, physically. That’d be rude,” Balmy added, hiding behind his blond mane. “Just um… maybe go by the canteen later for snacks?”
“I’d be up for that!” Sour said, putting a wing over Emerald’s withers. “Besides, I think it might be a good idea for Puddle to swing by the Library Oak and apologize to Rhiannon.”
“What for?” Puddle asked defensively.
Sour rolled her eyes. “For falling asleep in her class! You know that she only teaches a few days out of the month. I thought you liked her lessons on Harmony!”
Puddle pouted, which she’d found was a useful tactic when she was trying to get the colts on her side.
“I just get worried when my folks are helping dig in the lower levels. I know it’s been ages since we had a cave-in but…” she trailed off.
She felt a light, feathery wing land on her shoulder. Her face warmed as she looked up to meet Balmy’s dark blue eyes.
“I’m sure they’ll be fine, Puddle,” he said gently. “But I can see why it might be keeping you up at night. Still… you really should make that apology.”
“Are you sure she wouldn’t just accept that I take my title of ‘Element of Fart Jokes’ and wear it with pride?” Puddle asked, only to sigh as Balmy shook his head. “Well, fine. I’ll go say sorry to her. And… anyway, I wanted to see if she had any more books on the Element Bearers themselves. I’m sure there’s some stories about them that we’ve not gone over!”
Sour looked thoughtful.
“I’m… not sure. I know that the Princesses were the Element Bearers when they defeated Discord, but… beyond the Ministry Mares? Hmm. Might be something for you, Emmy, and I to do while the boys are busy.”
Emerald sulked a moment, but gave a noncommittal and distinctly unfilly-like grunt in response. Sagi rolled his eyes and shrugged, before looking down at his pipbuck.
“So…” he started, “we meet up at the Library Oak at sixteen-hundred, and then go to the canteen?”
“Is that gonna give us enough time to help dust the trees, Sagi?” Balmy asked.
“Hey, think of it this way, buddy!” Sagi said, springing out of his desk to give Balmy a noogie between the ears. “We’ll make it work if somepony can work on his flying!”
Balmy blushed and nodded. “Yeah yeah… two buns, one hoof. That sort of thing.”
Puddle smiled.
“Alright, alright. We, girls, will go see Rhiannon. See you at sixteen hundred, okay?”
The young ponies parted ways in separate groups. The girls made their way toward the centre of the Stable, the Atrium, leaving the classroom and school wing behind. As her friends took the lead, Puddle slowed down, feeling she'd forgotten something.
As she entered the Atrium, Puddle looked out across the broad, three-level structure as her two friends chatted ahead of her. Even though she’d been outside of the Stable a few times in her life, it always struck her at just how tall the Stable was inside. Built with a flying populace in mind, it made sense for the massive structure to give Pegasi and bat ponies some room to spread their wings.
Puddle squeaked in surprise as a white hoof waved in front of her face.
“Hello! Equestria to Puddle? CQ CQ CQ DX?” Sour teased, her blue eyes shining as Puddle startled.
“The pony you’re trying to reach is currently unavailable. Please leave a message after the boop!” Puddle said, reaching a hoof up to poke the end of the pegasus’ snout.
“Ack, Puddle!” Sour protested, batting at the earth pony with her wing.
Emerald rolled her eyes.
“Are we going to the Library Oak or are you two just going to start mud-wrestling or something?” she sniped, a pronounced look of displeasure on her face.
Sour shot the unicorn a glare.
“Look, just because you’re all pouty because you couldn’t keep a boy’s attention doesn’t mean you have to take it out on us!”
“Well, I’m not the one who let Sagi go off on his own with Balmy! You know he flies like a concussed radroach, those chores are gonna take hours! They’d be done way quicker if you’d have joined them!”
“I was on tree-dusting duty last week!”
Puddle sighed as her friends started to bicker. She knew Emerald would get out of her rotten mood eventually but... given how colt-crazy the filly had become in the past few weeks, Puddle held out little hope she’d be back to normal sooner rather than later. The times when Puddle could just have fun hanging out with her friends, free of drama or awkwardness over who liked who felt like they were getting more distant by the day.
“Yeah, well- hey, Puddle, isn’t that your dad?” Emerald asked, stopping mid-argument to point down toward the end of the Atrium.
Puddle leaned up onto the railing for a better look. Sure enough, her father, mother, and the digging team were walking toward the canteen.
“That’s… weird. I thought they were working late tonight,” she said, before turning back to her friends. “Um… can we take a detour, girls? I wanna see what’s up.”
The two fillies nodded and all three broke into a race down the two stories to meet with the arriving ponies.
“Mom! Dad! Is everything okay?” Puddle called out, nearly tripping over her mane as she rammed toward the pair of earth ponies.
Magma Spritz sat down on her haunches and opened her forelegs to embrace her daughter.
“Everything is fine, dear! We just got recalled because the scouts spotted a group of ponies approaching the Stable!” the red-maned mare replied, nuzzling her cheek against Puddle’s. “Your father and I are part of the welcoming team, you know.”
Puddle felt her heart flutter at the mention of outsiders. Stable 9 had experienced contact with foreign ponies before. Though a few of the outsiders now lived in the Stable, the most recent encounter with a group of wasteland ponies in a little town called Hoof River hadn’t ended well.
“Wait! No! You can’t go!” she cried, squeezing her mother’s black leg tighter.
High Dive patted Puddle’s shoulder.
“Sweetheart, I know things didn’t go well in Hoof River. This time is different. We’re meeting these ponies outside of the Stable door. Security will be there, ready to intervene. I know you’re nervous about this, Puddle, but honestly, everything is going to be fine!” the stallion said, lightly rubbing his daughter’s back with a hoof.
“Yeah, Puddle. It’ll be great!” Sour said, circling above the trio of earth ponies. “I’m sure if anything goes wrong, Mr. Solidarity will make sure everything works out.”
Puddle frowned at the mention of the Stable’s constable. He was a nice enough stallion, but a very gruff one when it came to dealing with younger ponies. Especially those that often got into trouble because of some of Emerald’s schemes.
“Right, right…” Puddle said, releasing her mother’s leg. “Sorry, you’re right. And… I should probably let you get washed up before you go meet these new ponies.”
Puddle brushed the pulverised rock that had rubbed off Magma Spritz’s dusty coveralls from her Stable 9 jumpsuit.
Her mother planted a kiss on the top of her head.
“Maybe you should start thinking of a comedy routine to give to our new friends, Puddle,” Magma said, getting up to all fours. “We’ll be meeting them in an hour or two, so you girls go have fun. Maybe Rhiannon will let us throw a party!”
Puddle had to admit that a party did sound like fun.
“Alright mom. You and dad be safe, please?”
“Darling, when are we not safe?” High Dive asked, chuckling as he and his wife made their way toward the residential district.
Puddle doubted his less than convincing arguments. She knew how her father had gotten his high diving cutie mark. She focused as a feathered wing landed on her shoulder.
“I’m sure it’ll be okay, Puddle,” Sour said, patting the green filly’s back. “Come on, let’s go see Rhiannon. Then we can catch up with the boys after they’re done with their chores. I’m sure Sagi will have Balmy whipped into shape and they’ll both be done on time. Right, Emmy?”
Emerald looked up from the small compact mirror that she was using to fix her mane.
“Hmm?”
Sour rolled her eyes.
“By the elements are you vain, filly…”
“What?! We’re seeing Sagi later!”
“We see Sagi every day!”
“So a girl shouldn’t look her best?!”
Puddle chuckled as her two friends bickered. Slowly, she nudged at Emerald and Sour’s rumps enough that they started moving toward the Library Oak. The trio of friends made their way through Stable 9’s Atrium into its vast subterranean fields. High above them, a cavern had been painstakingly carved out of Mt. Hoof, providing a lacuna a good one hundred and fifty metres tall. Massive sunlamps dotted the rocky ceiling, shining down warm light over the fields of corn, wheat, and grass below. At the centre of it all nestled in a tiny, flower-studded meadow stood the Library Oak.
According to her history class, when Twilight Sparkle heard about the Stable project, she was initially appalled by the idea. However, at Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom’s urgings, she’d relented, allowing the trio to use acorns from the Golden Oaks library in Ponyville to grow a new Library Oak.
Eventually, Twilight allowed the new library to start saving the knowledge of Equestria. She personally donated books from her collection later on in the war. Story had it that crates of books had arrived by accident from Maripony the day it all ended. Some of the colts and fillies also whispered that the Journal of Friendship, the book written by Twilight and her friends, was not originally intended to be in the Stable at all!
The small bell above the door rang as the fillies entered the library. Puddle smiled at the crisp smell of old books and wood as they made their way into the library proper. Looking around, they found themselves alone, save for a tall blond pegasus mare.
She turned to them, offering the trio a smile.
“Oh! Hello girls! Can I help you find anything?” she asked.
Puddle swallowed, trying her best not to stare at Lunar Skysong’s right eye. The big blue pegasus was a wastelander that had made her home in the Stable after she’d been branded a Dashite by the Enclave for her research into storms, which was forbidden for some reason. Pegasi had weird hangups when it came to the weather, seems Enclave was no different. Lunar had dreamed of restoring the wasteland with her years of work, but all that had been snuffed out in a single day.
Some would say she got off lightly for a Dashite; she’d only lost her left cutie mark. Though she’d also been blinded in her right eye. A bottle of captured lightning exploded in her lab as she’d fought against the group of Enclave thugs sent to brand her.
The mare often wore an eye patch but never could hide her whole scar. It radiated from below her eyebrow and coursed up to her paralysed ear. The mangled skin still pulsed with a light purple glow, the residual magic from the bottled storm giving her the appearance like her coat was a window that had a bullet shot through it.
“Um… I was wondering if miss Rhiannon was in,” Puddle replied, looking about the library. “I was wanting to ask her if we had any books on the element bearers. Well, any more books, that is. I’m pretty sure I’ve read all of the ones I know about.”
Lunar shook her head.
“I think she went home after she taught today’s friendship lessons, girls,” she said with a smile. “She asked me to cover for her, though. I can find some books on the element bearers, if you’d like!”
Puddle shrugged and trailed behind Lunar over to the library terminal. Sour and Emerald followed, the latter choosing to rest her forelegs across Puddle’s back.
“Do you know if we have any books on Ministry Mare Rarity?” Emerald asked as Lunar typed.
“We do!” Lunar replied, slowly clicking through a list of books. “In fact, if you’re interested in her, might I recommend her Elements of Fashion?”
“Where?!” Emerald demanded, zooming off into the shelves after Lunar provided her with the catalogue number.
“Was there something specific you were looking for, Puddle?” Lunar asked, watching the green unicorn vanish from sight.
Puddle frowned. She was supposed to be here to apologise to Rihannon, but since it would be a shame to waste the trip...
“I guess… I wanted to know if we had any books on why the element bearers were selected. Like, what made them the elements they were!” she replied.
Lunar took on a pensive look and clicked through a few more screens before shaking her head.
“To be honest, Puddle, I don’t know if even Twilight Sparkle wrote anything about that. She and her friends were… special. But I’m not sure that even the Ministry Mares themselves knew quite why they were bearers,” Lunar tabbed through a few more screens with a frown. “Even the books we have that Princess Celestia herself wrote don’t really talk about the elements in that kind of detail. Most of those we have on the topic are children’s books, honestly.”
Puddle’s ears drooped.
“Well, it was worth a shot. Thanks, Lunar! At least you were able to-”
A loud sound rumbled into the library from outside. Puddle and Sour froze, listening intently. Lunar’s left ear swivelled rapidly back and forth.
Emerald slowly made her way back to her friends.
“What was that?”
A moment later, sirens began to sound within the Stable. Puddle paled.
“Mom, dad! No! Don’t open the door!” she cried before bolting out of the library.
“Wait, Puddle!” Sour and Emerald called after her.
The little earth pony had already dashed through the door, rapidly making her way toward the Atrium.
Just a few hundred metres. Puddle told herself. Then up the ramp to the Stable entrance. Everything will be fine. Just fine! I’m sure it was just fireworks!
Something big and heavy tackled her from behind.
“Let me go!”
“Quiet!” Lunar hissed in her ear. “Listen!”
In the unusual deathly stillness of the Atrium, a small series of staccato sounds echoed down from the main entrance to the Stable. Puddle froze, trying to figure out why they would be setting off firecrackers.
...Those were gunshots.
Lunar lifted Puddle from the middle of her barrel and soared up to the third level.
“Stay here!” the big pegasus ordered, before darting into the Stable Security office. “Constable, I think we’ve got a problem.”
“Ya think?” Solidarity replied, nearly bowling her over as he hustled out of his office with three magnum pistols holstered in a gun belt trailing behind in his magic. “Locker five, Skysong.”
Without a word to Puddle, the stallion’s already lit horn blazed with his grey magic, and he disappeared with a crackling pop.
Puddle looked back and forth between the Security office and the corridor that led to the main entrance to the Stable helplessly. Were her parents okay? She had to do something!
Lunar’s reappearance startled her out of what probably would have been a bad decision. The tall mare was dressed in jet black Enclave power armour, and just the sight of the usually happy and gentle pegasus encased in the bug-like carapace fixed Puddle to the spot.
“W-where d-d-did you g-get that… that...” Puddle blubbered.
The visor to the power armour slid down.
“Enclave took everything from me. So I took something of theirs,” Lunar explained. “I’m gonna go help the constable. Puddle, I want you to stay hidden. If anything happens, I don’t-”
A bullet cut Lunar off as it ricocheted against the railing close to Puddle. The filly yelped, diving between Lunar’s legs. The pegasus reared up. Through the small space that made up the railing, Puddle spotted an iron monster. The creature looked up at Lunar and the pair of weapons at its side elevated to follow its gaze. Two loud bangs shook the Stable wall.
Lunar’s armoured chest piece soaked the blow as she took to the air. Puddle could only watch frozen with fear as the pegasus fired back.
Bright purple lances of magic streaked down from the strange looking weapons on Lunar’s battle saddles. The first shot missed. The second scoured the armour along the monster’s flank.
It fired back, missing as the surprisingly agile mare performed one of the tightest immelmann turns the Stable would likely ever see. Her hooves pushed against the Stable's metal roof before she dove to the Atrium’s first level. Lunar shrugged off another hit from the monster’s paired weapons and fired back.
The violet energy beams boiled away divots of metal from the monster’s front armour. As Lunar flew past, she drove her power armour scorpion tail through the hole she’d seared into the monster’s chest and latched onto its hindquarters. Lunar refused to let go as the monster made a strangled sound, stumbled and dropped.
“Puddle, I want you to hide in the Security Office!” Lunar called out with a mechanically distorted voice, drawing the reinforced tail out of the hole which was now gushing with blood.
Puddle shuddered as she stared at the monster and the ever widening pool of red that surged out of the creature’s chest wound. They bled. They weren’t monsters if they could bleed.
“Puddle! Go!”
Puddle jumped, startled, and started to stumble to Solidarity’s office. She waved to the brave pegasus, and at that, Lunar turned quickly and sped up the long hallway that led to the entrance.
Puddle tried to wait and be still as gunfire and explosions continued to ripple down the entrance hall, the Atrium magnifying the horrible sounds. She crawled to hide under the head of security’s desk, covering her ears as she tried to drown out the din of battle. One final explosion startled her to jump and bump her head on the underside of the desk. A macabre stillness soon filled the Stable.
Puddle sat in silence beneath the desk for a long moment, her ears straining to pick up any sound. After a minute or two, she decided she couldn’t take waiting any longer, and crept out from beneath the desk. She wasn’t sure what to do. Nopony was coming back from the entrance to the Stable. No more of those monsters were coming in either.
Looking up, she spotted the yellow and pink butterflies of a first aid kit and quickly raided it for the healing potion, bandages, and bottles of pills it contained.
Have to help mom and dad, she thought to herself. Maybe they’re just hurt! This will help!
Puddle galloped down the stairs that led to the Atrium’s first floor, then bolted toward the entrance. Halfway up the long ramp that led to the surface, the smell of cordite, sulfur, hot iron, and copper reached her nose. Several other smells made her wish she could cover her muzzle. Gagging, Puddle stepped around an L-bend in the entrance hall, and froze.
Bodies and pieces of bodies littered the floor in front of her, painting the entire hallway in crimson and brown and other colours she didn’t wish to think about. The metal walls were warped and twisted. Thick panels bore dents with scorch marks splashing outward from violent impacts. Small, clear, and clean circles peppered every surface. Those circles scared Puddle more than the rest. Everypony who’d stood near them were tattered and broken like pink teddy bears tossed into a shredder.
Puddle wanted to move, but couldn’t. She didn’t know what to do! She had bandages, but bandages couldn’t fix this!
“Mom! Dad!”
A loud, stuttered set of hoof-falls caught her attention. She looked up, eyes wide with fear as Solidarity made his way around another corner, supporting Lunar.
“Puddle! What the fuck are you doing here?!” he shouted. “Get out of here! It’s not safe!”
Puddle’s lip quivered as it dawned on her that she couldn’t see her parents in the mass of bodies.
“B-bandages!” she shouted.
Solidarity helped Lunar limp closer to the petite earth pony.
“I-I h-have b-bandages and p-p-p-”
Solidarity snatched up the healing potion that Puddle pulled from her saddlebags, and forced it to Lunar’s mouth.
“Drink.”
“Look, constable, there’s-” Lunar protested.
“Filly, you just took a pair of anti-material rounds to the barrel. Only reason your insides aren’t your outsides is because that armour’s good at keeping your bits together. Now drink. These folk are beyond any help we can give ‘em,” Solidarity snapped, before tapping a button on his pipbuck as Lunar swallowed the potion. Pulling out an ear bud, he spoke into the small microphone. “This is Constable Solidarity. The enemy has been repelled, but we need medical teams up at the gate entrance now!”
Puddle sat down hard, seemingly unaware of the crimson liquid that soaked into her clothes.
“M-my parents?” she asked quietly, hearing the sounds of running hooves as the medical ponies made their way to their position.
Solidarity’s muzzle became a hard line. “Puddle, I want you to watch miss Lunar. Don’t you worry none about your parents. I’m sure they’ll be fine.”
Puddle sorely wished she couldn’t tell that the Security pony was lying.
Pressing a bandage over Lunar’s wounds, Puddle broke down into tears. But no comforting wing fell over her back. Lunar didn’t say any of the soothing words that her mother had said that horrible day.
She was supposed to, though. Puddle knew the script of that night’s tragedy.
Puddle looked up at the mare, and screamed as she realised that Lunar wasn’t moving. Blood trickled down the mare’s nostrils. She’d stopped breathing.
Puddle began to panic. That hadn’t happened! Lunar hadn’t died that night! What was going on? Where were the medical ponies!
“Wake up!” she screamed at the mare. “Wake up, Lunar! You’re supposed to tell me everything's gonna be fine! Wake up! Medic!”
But Lunar didn’t wake up, and Puddle was alone. So very, very, very alone.
All at once, she heard a voice. One she could just barely recognize but that had cast her loneliness away at times.
“No. What I must do is get out of here. I’m opening my eyes. Now!” the voice said.
Puddle dearly hoped that this time and the last were just bad dreams, that her parents were still there for her, and that they’d be waiting for when she finally woke up.
“I hesitated. For just a moment. Despite days of extensive warning, a part of me yearned to see the creature. Was it the remnants of the scientist in me, trying to regroup, to apply logic when all that mattered was survival? If so, the creature’s attention, alien in its intensity, snuffed out what thirst for knowledge I had left. I ran.” - From the Logbook of Knight Lettuce Leaf, Steel Rangers, 8th battalion, squad 7. Sole survivor of a lost expedition into the Red Forest.
I awoke gasping for breath, ensnared in panic as I choked on a thick mixture of blood and mucus that glued me firmly to the filthy wooden floor I was lying on.
I tore myself free from the floorboard, tugging at the sludge that caked my face and ran down my nostrils. I coughed hard, hacking up a ruddy glob that sent a wave of revulsion through me so strong that I involuntarily tossed my head from the pain, flinging the phlegm into the corner of my small room. As it hit the wall with a meaty, wet slap, it stuck there.
Where the hell was I?!
I staggered to my hooves, finding myself in a room the same size and shape as the one where I’d fallen asleep last night. I looked for my belongings, which were now soaking in a foul reddish-black soup that was pooling under my hooves. I turned to the door, and crept forward. Each step ripped excruciating rasps from my lungs as I held myself against the flaking drywall. My bare legs brushing it a lurid crimson.
I lurched out into the hallway, trying to find somepony, anypony. A glance into the room to my right found me Glitter and Bubblegum, both fast asleep. Something in me dared not wake them. So I careened to my left, into the living room where I found Blackjack and Solidarity.
The light caught their sweaty bodies as they writhed in unison, highlighting every tensing muscle and taut, fleshy contour. A carnal dance that seared itself into my memories, one I was certain no amount of therapy would ever remove.
I managed a single word before faltering forward to the ground.
“Blackjack!”
I woke up again, this time on the musty couch in the living room. I had just enough sense to pray that a sheet separated my bloodied back from the end results of Blackjack's debauchery.
Hyacinth’s worried muzzle was instantly in my face.
“Dad! Blackjack! She’s up!” she called out, before shining a small light into my eyes.
A trio of shots rang out from close by. Pushing the light away, I struggled, straightening up to catch a glimpse of the commotion. Hyacinth’s front hooves pushed me back down onto the slushy couch. Ew.
“Stay down!” she hissed. “Some Family goons showed up not long after you walked in on Blackjack and dad uh…” She grimaced as she looked me over, disgust rippling off of her in waves. “You were bleeding all over. What happened?”
“I don’t know!” I croaked with a voice as parched as the desert around us. I choked on my words, setting off a coughing fit.
Puddle slunk her way over to my side as Hyacinth scrambled for water.
“You were bleeding from some scars on your back. The ones that look really old,” Hyacinth muttered as she held me up to drink from a banged up canteen.
Once empty, she swapped it for a bottle of healing potion.
“It was really scary!” Puddle added as I eagerly gulped down the healing nectar. “You… you lost a lot of blood, Threnody…”
Puddle sighed, pushing her snout lightly against my cutie mark. I immediately regretted the warm touch of her nose against the open book and quill. Fractured memories poured into my brain. Shards of a foreign life gone by bubbled up, streaming before my eyes. Puddle’s present fears and worry for me added to the stream, further muddying the waters of emotions and thoughts that decided to breach the levee of my consciousness. I recalled a few glimpses of what I inexplicably knew was a day at school in Stable 9.
“Well, that would explain why I feel like I’ve had a boat dropped on me,” I groaned, trying to clear my head of alien recollections.
“That’s not funny!” Blackjack groused from behind the couch.
A burst of shots echoed from behind the couch. Blackjack must have been firing out of one of the living room windows. A quavering howl trickled in from outside with other muffled noises.
“Ha! Gotcha!” Blackjack shouted. “I think the last shot went right up Main Street.”
“Can we have less shooting ponies up the butt?! Can’t we try figuring out how the great fuck we’re getting out of this mess without turning it into another damn bloodbath?” Bubblegum berated, his shotgun and grenade rifle oddly silent in what I had assumed was a shootout. “They obviously want to capture us, otherwise this place would be full of holes. Damnit, they are just close enough that I don’t want to risk using my grenades.” he said, lowering his grenade launcher with distraught anger.
Well, that explained why nopony from outside the house was firing in.
“I’m working on it!” Blackjack snapped back. “But… it was kinda funny.”
Bubblegum let out a long, exasperated exhale through his nose.
“Yes,” he snorted, “kind of, but I’m fairly certain that it might have an effect on Threnody. Which is why I’m not firing at them.”
“I can tell the buck didn’t appreciate it at all. I feel his pain,” I breathed before Hyacinth pushed me back down again, shoving another bottle of water in my face.
"It burns!!" The injured stallion howled from outside.
"...I'm glad you're here to tell us these things," Bubblegum deadpanned.
“Do you think his farts will whistle now?” Puddle asked innocently.
“It hurts to laugh,” I gurgled.
“Puddle, now ain’t the time,” Solidarity drawled. “Now, uh... I think Glitter Bomb and I have worked out how to get us out of here. Hyacinth, is Threnody strong enough to move?”
Hyacinth tugged a long cable out of her saddlebags, hurriedly linking both ends to our respective pipbucks. She frowned as she poked at her own. A pregnant pause later, she nodded.
“She’s doing... better. She should probably down another healing potion before we move her, but…” She bit her lip. “Dad, this would be easier if we were home. I still don’t know what happened!”
I wasn’t sure either. I remembered waking up from a horrible dream and the dreadful torrent of thoughts, feelings, and images that followed. I’d nearly choked on my own snot.
My body tingled, and my mind was sluggish. Bogged down in the hazy mire that usually followed a restless, over-extended nap. Part of me still felt lost in that dream, submerging me whole in the still waters of quiet panic.
“I don’t know,” I confessed after a moment. “Empathic feedback?”
I struggled to remember much of last night. The bizarre dream, in its prominence and clarity, fogged the rest of my memories.
Just the thought alone of the pretty filly with the mane like bacon was enough to disrupt my focus.
“I… suppose?” Hyacinth said, sticking her tongue out as she thought about it. “I don’t know enough about how heartmenders cope with magic burnout. I wouldn’t know what to look at.”
She unplugged her pipbuck from mine and shoved the cable back into her saddlebags.
“So... what’s your plan, dad?” she asked, passing me another healing potion.
Glitter Bomb’s gentle magic lifted me up as she put me on her back. As I touched down on her soft coat, the image of another mare flashed across my mind, this time she was blue with a silver mane, unlike the warmer-hued interloper, the fleeting presence of this one chilled me to my core. What in the sorrel hells was going on?
“Blackjack, covering fire, please?” Solidarity said as everypony gathered around Glitter. “If this works, we should end up close enough to the Red Forest to make a break for it.”
“Excuse me but what is ‘this’ and what happens if it doesn’t work?” I asked breathlessly as I looked up at Glitter. “What are you doing?”
Solidarity fired a trio of shots out of a nearby window with one of his revolvers. Blackjack’s shotgun followed up with a few barks of its own.
“I saw what the family were doin’ in Fold with their linked unicorns and I reckon Blackjack and I can do the same to give Glitter enough juice to flash the lot of us a short ways from here. Just far enough down the road for us to make a run for the Forest. Though… I’d rather not get too far off of the beaten path in that damned place,” he said, a frisson of cold terror running through him like a winter stream.
“What’s-” I stopped as Blackjack fluidly danced away from the window to squish her flank against Glitter’s.
My heart skipped as I watched her flirt. My chest tightened despite the sight of her... exertions with Solidarity being only moments old in my mind. Her shameless audacity… I couldn’t fight the lump of jealousy settling uncomfortably somewhere in my throat. Nor the burning indignation threatening to melt my ears off my head that rose in opposition to it.
“It’ll be fine. What’s the worst thing that can happen?” she asked, the lump in my throat absorbing her cocky smile and growing sharp, twisting spines.
“Glitter teleports us into a mountainside?” Bubblegum muttered, pulling Hyacinth and Puddle closer to the trio of magic users.
“Nothing’s gonna go wrong,” Blackjack sighed, lighting up her small horn. “You’ll see.”
Her adorable small horn.
Why are you thinking like this, Threnody?
Glitter swallowed as her horn flared up with purple magic. Solidarity’s pale magic mixed with Blackjack’s, both seeping in a stream towards Glitter’s horn.
I felt sucked through a hole the size of my eyeballs–
–and fell a good metre along with everypony else into a bed of flowers coloured in what was rapidly becoming my least favourite hue.
Crimson petals flew into the air as the seven of us landed with a collective whump on the ground. Puddle and Bubblegum kept their footing. I flew off of Glitter’s back as she botched the landing.
I crashed face first into the blossoms, only to come up utterly covered in sticky petals. Dazed by the fall and change of lighting, I hurriedly brushed the petals away. Each felt uncomfortably warm.
“A-am I bleeding?” I asked, as I focused on my hooves covered in a thick, red slime.
I shot a glance at Blackjack and the others. They were soaked in red, like they’d all taken a turn trying to clean up my morning’s rather bloody awakening with their hides.
One of the last few petals falling down came to rest on Blackjack’s nose. It instantly melted like snow on a stove into crimson rivulets.
Blackjack raised her hoof to catch the droplets running down her cheeks, and brought it to her mouth. She spat the slime right back out.
“Blood,” she said lowly.
“Ew! Are you sure?!” squeaked Puddle Splasher.
“Yeah. I’m sure,” she replied, her eyes defocusing and a turbulent flow of ugly, dark emotions surging below her calm exterior. “On a scale of one to Hoofington, this is getting into a new level of fucked up,” she muttered, flicking her hooves to get the slime off. “Is anypony actually hurt?”
Hyacinth shook her head.
“It wasn’t that high of a fall. We… just landed in Blood Blossoms. They’re gross but… for the Red Forest, harmless.”
“For the Red Forest...?” Bubblegum muttered, trotting over to help Glitter to her hooves. “Why would you say this?”
Hyacinth paled.
“Well, hopefully we’re not too far from the road. I don’t want to go into the Red Forest’s ecology.” She fluttered as I felt whirlpools of disorienting doubt engulfing her. “Where is the road?”
As Hyacinth looked down at her pipbuck, I finally took in where we’d fallen. Wherever Glitter’s teleportation had taken us, it certainly wasn’t anywhere near the cracked and potholed Long 26. The trees soared above us in a tight, ominous husk of dead, dry leaves thick enough to obscure the sky.
Every bit of bark had taken the colour of rust, making the forest into a giant bed of old, crooked nails. A few pines jutted high in between the oxidized deciduous trees. Their needles still inexplicably stuck to their dead limbs.
Even in death the trees jealously clung on to their needles and leaves, blotting out just enough of the sunlight to cast the forest floor in a dingy twilight. The bed of Blood Blossoms covered every inch of ground not occupied by trees. Gnarled ferns pierced through the bed in several spots, their fronds akin to deformed Gryphon talons rather than what I’d seen on Feather Fern’s cutie mark.
Bubblegum walked to the nearest one and studied the fronds. They were tubular and ended in a bulb of long mangled thorns. His facial expression grew dark.
Hyacinth! Her wave of panic crashed into me from behind. A cold and clammy tide, far removed from the warm, sticky petal’s embrace on my ears as they coagulated and slowly oozed down my scalp.
“This is bad. So terribly bad!” she whimpered before Solidarity snatched her up with his magic.
Solidarity held the quaking pegasus tightly for a long moment, keeping a hoof on her muzzle while the Blood Blossom petals finally settled around us.
“Can… somepony please explain this ever-living fuckery. Something. Or anything before I start shooting literally everything that offends my senses around here?” Blackjack asked tensely. “This isn’t my first trip to Fuckedupville, but I didn’t enjoy that one. I would prefer not having to star in a sequel.”
“Aren’t you the mayor of Fuckedupville?” Bubblegum asked Blackjack with a quirked eyebrow.
“Look. I kinda left the Hoof to avoid this sort of shit,” Blackjack seethed back with a glare.
Solidarity remained silent for another long, tense moment as we all settled and looked up at him. He released his daughter from his embrace, shot a look at Blackjack, and cleared his throat.
“Something went wrong when the Red Forest formed. We ain’t sure how. Nopony’s ever really been able to figure it out,” he said, turning to Blackjack. “You don’t need to shoot everything around here. There’s plenty does need shootin’, though. But some... shootin’ doesn’t do no good.”
That was a way to ratchet up everypony’s anxiety by a factor of ten.
“Went wrong? Is that why the flower petals are all goopy?” Glitter Bomb asked, gently lifting me into the air with her telekinesis.
Glitter ran a separate spell over me. The uncomfortable, sticky residue from the Blood Blossoms pulled at my fur as it was gradually plucked off of my coat and duster. I tried to not shudder; her magic felt like Blackjack’s. That same pinch-and-pulling as she had lightly preened my wings the night before.
Is my magic really that bad...? Glitter’s voice echoed in my head as she set me on her back. Does that make me a bad pony?
What in Equestria?
“That’s… part of it,” Hyacinth agreed with a nod. “From what we can tell, the flora and fauna of the Red Forest have some… unique properties to them. And by that I mean we’ve been finding equine hox genes in most plants.”
“Equine whats?” Blackjack blurted impatiently.
The yellow pegasus shuddered and wiped some of the disturbingly blood-like residue off of herself.
“In biology, hox genes are the parts of our DNA that tells our bodies what limb goes where. There’s quite a few plants in the Red Forest that possess these genes. And so, we’ve found them growing in the shapes of ponies. Naturally. Like, nopony comes out here to shape them to look equine. They just… grow that way.”
“Okay, so for those of us who didn’t grow up in a Stable and weren’t able to read until a few years ago, that means… what? Exactly?” Bubblegum asked, frowning as he ploughed ahead with his own struggle to scrape the Blood Blossom residue off of his hide.
“It means that were you to give a bit of the goop that’s on your coat to Hyacinth, and let her look at it with the lab equipment back in Stable 9, there’d be a frightening amount of similarity to equine blood,” Solidarity drawled. “Down to the fact that some of them even carry those markers that tell you what blood type you are. Right darlin’?”
Hyacinth nodded as everypony but her or her dad bolted out of the Blood Blossoms to take refuge under the nearest tree. I clung to Glitter’s back for dear life as the others rapidly tried to wipe away the plant’s equine fluids off of themselves.
“Momma said I have blood type QT, and I want no flower blood on me!” Glitter whined, her horn glowing as she used her magic to clean her coat.
“Okay, I’m used to ending up covered in blood for one reason or another, but… this is a new level of gross. Even for me,” Blackjack muttered, mimicking Glitter before helping Puddle with her own coat.
Solidarity shrugged and trotted out of the flower patch.
“It only gets weirder from here. But I know you’re looking for a threat assessment, Blackjack, so... I’d say don’t trust anything that moves. There’s few things that’ll kill ya outright. A lot of this forest isn’t just fangs n’ claws, mind. It is a mighty, uncanny place. Monsters beyond flesh and blood roam here. Ones you surely can’t fight.”
Solidarity looked around for any hint of a path. To no avail.
“I know we’d be a lot safer if we can get back to the Long 26,” he rumbled. “The forest... meddles with you no matter where you are in it but… things it does to yer mind don’t seem as strong there for some reason.” He turned to Blackjack. “Keep a sharp eye out, but stay close, don’t wander off shooting at shadows.”
I glanced between Solidarity and Blackjack. Something rippled between them. It was anything but what I thought a pair of ponies who’d just spent an intimate night together should feel. Almost like…
Glitter sprung to action, startling me out of my interpersonal analysis.
“Oh! Look! Grapes!” she exclaimed, darting over to a series of low hanging vines.
“Glitter! No! Stop!” Puddle cried, tripping over her own mane as she ran to stop her.
Glitter halted mid-stride to glance behind her at Puddle with bewildered eyes. As she looked back to the vine, she screamed. Not with surprise, gone was bewilderment. She screamed with terror, bloodcurdling and raw. She stumbled back and fell to her haunches, sending me tumbling off of her back as she frantically kicked herself away back-deep through the blossom patch. Her mind was a frothing, panicked tempest, too much for me to even fully take in, let alone perceive clearly.
I forced the acrid taste back down where it belonged with a very deliberate gulp and jumped over the hysterical alicorn before she could mush me through the whole blood blossom patch. I gingerly stepped forward into the path she’d just gouged in her mad retreat. With morbid curiosity outweighing every other sensible impulse in me, I inspected the plant from afar.
From the dark and mangled vines sprouted white grapes half enclosed between two fleshy, sickly brown lids. A single pitch-black seed jutted out of each fruit like a pinprick. As I took in the scene, and felt my disgust begin to plateau, the whole bunch began to squirm and one by one, the brown lids languidly drew themselves over the moist fruits. The grapes blinked…
The plants had eyes.
My heart suddenly felt like it was pumping ice water. I snapped my wings open and thrust myself back, only to be snagged in Blackjack’s magic. Bubblegum’s shotgun roared, tearing into the vines, the righteous hail of lead wiping the profane bunch clean from the world, if not from our minds.
“Stop shooting!” Solidarity shouted. “That ain’t a monster. Well… not the kind that’ll eat your girl. But if you keep firing that thing off, you’re liable to draw one that does have a hankering for pony flesh!”
“S-sorry,” Bubblegum muttered sheepishly. His eyes darted to Glitter, concern radiating off of him like low fog.
"What were those?" I interrupted with a shudder as Blackjack gently lowered me to the ground.
“No, I’m not likely to remember,” he seethed. “You keep using these weird words as if I’m expected to know them! I vaguely remember a class on how pony generations get their eye colours.” His irritation seemed to evaporate and his features softened as he began to look… wistful? “We compared a picture of a pretty mare with her granddaughters in the class. Honestly, I mostly remember really wanting to wear her outfit.”
Solidarity gave him a confused look. Glitter, Puddle, and Hyacinth looked thoughtful. I worried my nose might start bleeding again.
Blackjack, of course, broke the silence first.
“Define ‘outfit’?”
“Well, it was this bright white vest with a red cross hat. And a really cute miniskirt. Guess I thought I’d look cute in it,” Bubblegum replied with a shrug.
The mares in the party shared a collective dreamy look. Solidarity shook his head and sighed.
“Look, we’ll sort that out later,” he said gruffly, magically casting aside the ferns and their slimy ocular remains. “Let’s get moving before Junior here puts all you fillies into heat and you cook up a stew o’ hormones so thick it’ll attract something we can’t handle.”
I didn’t appreciate his attack on my daydreaming with logic about safety. I felt doubly insulted I might resemble that remark.
Finding a suitably defensible clearing for everypony to get their bearings or just catch their breath was a distant, and rapidly fading hope. We trudged, faltered, and staggered on, grinding ourselves down to the point of exhaustion. The forest was a cruel mistress.
Though all of us had an E.F.S. compass guide, we were completely lost. No landmarks on our screens or hints of our location in our surroundings. For all we knew, we were only heading deeper into the Red Forest from where Glitter’s magic deposited us. Apparently many, many kilometres from Stable 9. I secretly hoped the forest was messing with us, that the vastness of the place was just an illusion and that we were in fact close to the relative safety of the Stable.
After what seemed like hours of gruelling slog, we reached a clearing that while cluttered, was the likeliest place we’d seen yet to regroup and take a brief rest, I kept an eye out for the flora and fauna. The whole Red Forest was… contorted. Plants grew deformed and mangled. Leaves and shoots sprouted from places and in ways they had no business doing.
Blink grapes lazily watched us with chillingly equine eyes. Talonferns shaped into distorted claws splayed their thorns wide, ready to close on any creature foolish enough to get within hoofshaking distance. Hoof reeds grew in the marshy areas, always in groups of four, of course. Sets of maimed pony legs, ever reaching skywards. They were even topped with shiny hooves that gleamed dimly in the midday twilight beneath the oppressive, desiccated canopy. Were I to dig, would I find roots shaped like pony bodies?
“Why does everything have such simple names?” I asked as Hyacinth pointed out another cluster of blink grapes to avoid.
“Trying to give them scientific names was kind of difficult,” Hyacinth explained. “So the ponies who explored the place kept them simple. Especially when something was found to be dangerous.”
She fluttered over to a nearby tree branch to point to a cluster of multicoloured wildflowers.
“Take a look at this specific flower. This is Antirrhinum vexillo-calyculatum, or Sailflower Snapdragon. But look closely,” she said, pointing toward the stem. “There is no point where the snapdragon ends, and where the other flowers begin. Like that Alkali Marsh Aster,” she said pointing to a flower that looked like a pink daisy, “An entirely different species.”
She emphasised with the tip of her hoof where the flower stems fused together before melding into the tree bark they seemed to grow from. Each flower of a different species sprouted out of the same body.
“These plants grow like this. Naturally. Biologically speaking, this can’t happen. This shouldn’t happen. But here we have it. So…” The pegasus landed and shrugged her wings. “We just call them wildflower clusters, cause when organisms stop paying attention to species, what the fuck else are you supposed to call them?”
“Scientific weirdness aside,” Solidarity called from the front of our line, “I think this clearing may work for a broadcaster call. What do you think, little flower?”
Hyacinth looked up through the ruddy tree trunks toward an opening in the sky.
“Uh, I think so? The broadcaster’s radio should get out through that. Hopefully,” she added with a nervous swallow.
Blackjack and Bubblegum took up positions on opposite sides of the clearing, their eyes searching for hidden dangers. Puddle stayed close to me as I watched Hyacinth fiddle with her pipbuck. The yellow mare plugged an earpiece with a mouthpiece into one end of her pipbuck, and began speaking.
“CQ CQ CQ DX, this is 9EQLF calling out on frequency 7700. Requesting any stations or patrols to respond. Attempting to get a fix on my position in the Red Forest. Please respond,” she said, listening with a hoof to her ear.
After a pregnant pause, she repeated her message.
Solidarity frowned.
“Anything?”
“Nothing, dad. Either the broadcaster’s range is being shortened by the trees or… we’re really off the map,” Hyacinth replied, a ragged tide of panic rumbling beneath her composed façade.
“Can you make that thing loop your broadcast?” Blackjack asked, her eyes still panning the forest. “Pip and I both encountered repeating radio signals in the past. Some of them dated back to the end of the war.”
“I… um...” Hyacinth poked at her pipbuck. “Yeah! I can set it to a looping broadcast. It… may not help if we’re still trying to move toward the long 26. But! There’s a possibility one of the Wolves pick it up. At least, depending on how deep in the forest they’re doing recon for the Stable.”
“I’m sorry. Wolves?” I asked, suddenly remembering my conversation with Solidarity a couple of weeks ago. “Who or what are the Wolves?”
“A small contingent of Steel Rangers that joined Stable 9. It happened after Star Paladin Steelhooves made his stand. He called all willing to follow him, to return to the rangers’ initial purpose of defending Equestria. A mighty fierce civil war broke out between two contingents in VanHoover,” Solidarity explained. “Those who stood with Steelhooves were decimated. The survivors took refuge in the Stable, and they’ve lived there since. They earn their keep, but they bring us more’n our fair share of assaults from other Steel Rangers, though.”
Mom! Dad! No! Don’t open the door! Puddle’s voice echoed in my head.
What the fuck?
“Guess after what went down in VanHoover they didn’t feel much kinship with their chapters in the East, though. So, they dropped the Applejack’s Rangers name. The ‘Ranger’ part, at least,” Solidarity went on. “Anyway once they got settled in the Stable, they found out they really, really enjoyed working security, so they decided to stick around and give ‘emselves a new name. They even voted on it. One of the rangers, Knight Banana Cream Pie, heard Snow Berry’s wolf story and suggested the name. Figured ‘emselve the wolves that guarded the herd.”
Blackjack frowned.
“That’s… unreasonably badass for a bunch of those tin can wearers,” she muttered.
Bubblegum shot her a look.
“You’re just upset you didn’t come up with a name that cool,” he snarked.
“Shut up!”
“Quiet!” Solidarity hissed, dropping down to the ground.
Everypony ducked, our ears perked as we listened for any sounds. Rustling leaves crushed under heavy footfalls echoed in the distance. We froze, straining to localise the sound.
Something shuffled to my left. What I first assumed to be blackened tree trunks careened fluidly between trees and branches. My eyes must have been playing tricks, but I could swear the forest was avoiding it. Leaves moved aside, roots recessed as it passed. Something was digging its way through the landscape.
I caught a glimpse of it. Pale, cracked spikes jutted out of a blackened hide like broken bones from a horrific wound. A foul stench of rot followed, seeping into our clearing.
I stared at Puddle. She was the closest to the edge of the clearing. Her eyes wide, the seafoam green filly swallowed rapidly. She forced a hoof to her muzzle so she wouldn’t gag. The soil and soggy leaf litter on our hooves was sweet perfume compared to the horrid reek that encircled us. Moments passed as Hyacinth very, very slowly reached over to her, covering her muzzle with a wing. Silent tears ran down both filly’s cheeks.
My EFS showed nothing but the blue bars of my friends. Yet I was staring straight at it, seeing, and feeling it flatten blossom patches under its colossal weight. The stench seemed to hem us in as the hidden creature stalked about just beyond the edge of our clearing. The thing radiated wrongness. I didn’t need to have any idea what it was to know I loathed it. I couldn’t sense anything from it, but I still got the impression the feeling was mutual.
And still there was no red bar on the EFS. Nor a blue one that wasn’t accounted for by one of my friends. And yet it was there, its presence unmistakable from the sound and evidence of its passage as it moved about, shrouded in that overpowering miasma of decay.
Then the motion stopped, but still the sound drew closer…
Unicorns and earth ponies naturally looked for threats on the ground, and rarely so above their line of sight. Pegasi, on the other hoof, knew that danger could come from any direction. As the realization dawned on me, I froze, and looked up.
It was at least fifteen metres high, overshadowing the clearing. Far taller than anything I expected. I saw sets of luminous eyes glowering darkly in the early evening twilight. Even looking straight at it, my fear-stricken mind could only guess at its full form; as I could only tease out snatches of its features. I wanted to tell the others. Warn them, even just look away, but all I could do was stand and stare.
A tree collapsed at the edge of the clearing, snapping at its middle before crashing between me and my friends. I couldn’t pull my gaze from the gigantic thing above me, watching it freeze then look down. It made no sound, and its eyes never fixed on me directly. But I knew it had seen us.
The mute horror breathed, swelled and puffed out, its sickly coat inflating to become a bag of spikes. Even from its lofty perch atop its legs, the mephitic fumes sloughing from its carcass seemed undiluted. I could swear I could actually feel the rancid vapours brushing at my face for odd instants that felt like hours.
After what felt a lifetime of terror, it retreated. In the vacant, deathly silence that followed, nopony dared look at each other.
“What in the actual fuck... was that?” Blackjack croaked after a long, tense period of paralysis. “Is that on the ‘Things that eat faces’ list?”
“Can we not mention that list?” Glitter quavered with a painfully small voice.
Her kneecaps creaked as she broke stance and moved over to me. After she’d jumped over the snapped tree, she crept up to my side and buried her face in the back of my mane. Her sobs stabbed my soul and her tears scalded my skin.
Solidarity never looked away from where the sounds had come from as he spoke, “I don’t rightly-”
An explosion of sticks and leaves cut him off.
Bubblegum was suddenly airbourne, twisting through the air. Streams of blood fanned out in picturesque gouts as he flew, surging from deep, ragged rents in his armour that carried on as gouges dug across the battered hull of his broken grenade machine gun.
I turned and stared as a massive creature with a grotesque, desiccated skull for a face slid into the clearing. Had it been there all along as we’d faced the other horror? I didn’t know. I couldn’t think.
Putrid masses of pink fungi covered its hide, lashing its jaw to its head with wet tangles of tendinous fibres. The fungal mass tensed and receded as the beast opened its obscene maw.
It roared.
Blackjack screamed back in challenge.
The clearing exploded with the blinding light of her magic as she charged the massive beast. I screamed as Blackjack’s magic-born blade flickered out inside the monster’s claws.
The patchwork of diseased flesh and decaying vegetation slammed into Blackjack. With a sickening crunch, the beast slugged her clear out of the clearing.
A hard, wet slap followed by splintering wood echoed beyond my line of sight.
Bubblegum’s mauled body lay unconscious not far from me. Blackjack was out in an instant. Solidarity wasn’t exaggerating before, there was no way we could fight this!
As a rush of adrenaline finally kicked in and I found myself able to move, I watched Glitter dive for Bubblegum, the beast right on her tail. For a brief instant, I thought we might have a chance as she summoned the most solid shield I’d ever seen to keep the creature’s terrible slashing claws at bay. My hope shattered just as surely as Glitter’s shield under the impact of those savage claws.
Puddle and Hyacinth had already rushed to the cover of the trees. They turned, giving a last terrorized look back to the clearing before vanishing into the Forest’s inky depths. My friends were scattering. Who do I follow? What do I do?! WHAT THE FUCK DO I–
Solidarity slapped me. As I looked up at him, he said a single word.
“Run.”
And just like that, purpose crystallised in my mind. I hurled myself into the air, tearing at it with my wings as ferociously as any horror from this damned forest, flapping as hard as I could, desperate to climb out of the clearing, away from the monster. I didn’t know where to go, and didn’t care. Away was direction enough. I cast any doubt or semblance of rational thought that might weigh me down back towards the clearing and simply fled. Both my body and mind shrieked at me to flee.
I didn’t want to die.
I don’t know how long I flew over and through the forest. I simply put as much distance as I could from the clearing, and away from my friends. Hours? Minutes? Seconds? Right now, they all felt the same, and any number of any one of them could have passed before I eventually found a cluster of trees that seemed too tight for the monster to pursue me inside.
My heart thundered in my chest and ears. My lungs were on fire and no matter how much air I sucked in, I felt like I was on the verge of suffocating. Tears streamed down my face. I’d left my friends– left them to die somewhere in that damned place.
Bubblegum. The hit he took from that monster... a wound like that could be deadly even with medical care and healing potions, but with him at the thing’s mercy....
Luna fuck me with the moon! I had the medical supplies! With Glitter’s healing spells, my bandages and spare healing potions, I could have done something.
Blackjack…
I covered my mouth as mute sobs wracked my body. Did I just watch two friends get killed? Did that monster eat the others?!
I was alone.
Alone in this horrid, evil place.
I breathed rapidly into my hooves, trying to stymie the panic that was rapidly setting in. I was alone. Creatures could be waiting for me out there. The EFS wouldn’t even register them. I looked down at my pipbuck. That useless piece of old world junk!
I repeatedly bashed my forehead against it, drawing blood that streamed down my muzzle. The monsters were very real. That blood was real. And this wasn’t a nightmare I would wake up from.
What do you mean we can’t see them on the EFS? How the hell are we supposed to defend ourselves if we never see them coming!? Hyacinth’s desperate cry echoed in my head.
A tightening knot travelled up my throat. I slid against one of the trees of the copse as I curled into a sobbing ball. One of my legs wouldn’t stop shaking.
I repeated my friends’ words in my mind. Again and again. Each time I remembered a bit more of last night’s dream. That horrible dream with Peculiar and the memories of other pony’s nightmares.
Had we been dreaming together somehow? I didn’t know.
I held my head down between my legs, trying to slow my breathing. I needed to think, past the panic. Think and figure out how to find my friends.
My friends!
I wiped the blood off the screen of my pipbuck. It was still securely fastened to my right leg, resilient. I needed to be resilient too.
Before we’d left Fold, I’d snagged everypony’s pipbuck tags in case we got separated. If I could just find one of them, we could find the others together. I spent a minute searching the local map feature on my pipbuck for a nearby tag, and found of all ponies, Puddle! And she wasn’t far away!
I wiped the snot off my face, steeling myself for leaving the safety of my hiding place. If Puddle’s tag was out there, it meant she was still alive. And she was likely hiding.
Mustering my focus, I took in several long, slow breaths. Since neither of those massive creatures showed up on EFS, I would have to rely on my senses. Simple enough! My vision was excellent! My hearing? I flicked my left ear and found that it wasn’t ringing. Okay! Maybe I could do this. I chuckled worriedly to myself.
I slow crawled out of the knot of trees, my ears twitching and swivelling this way and that, straining to pick up any sound I could. Disturbingly, there were none to hear. No gunfire. No strange sounds of wasteland creatures doing whatever wasteland creatures do. Nothing. No sounds of crunching leaves, save for the ones under my hooves.
Opting to hover just off of the ground, I slowly made my way through the forest in the direction of Puddle’s marker on my pipbuck map. It took me close to thirty minutes to get close to her marker as I drifted slow and silent as a ghost through the underbrush.
“Puddle...!” I called out softly, hoping my friend could hear me.
Something rustled nearby, but no answer. Maybe she was injured? Was that why I wasn’t picking up any lifesign marks on my EFS?
I crept my way toward a talonfern bush.
“Puddle?” I whispered as the forest remained silent.
An explosion of feathers and squawks erupted from the bush. As I ducked down, dozens of feathered creatures darted out from the talonferns — Birds! I’d never seen real live birds before. Only in books!
My bewilderment quickly morphed into horror as something grabbed my hind leg. I screamed as something pulled me beneath a cluster of blink grapes!
A hoof forced my muzzle shut.
“Wait, Threnody?” Puddle asked, letting me go. “Oh, thank the Elements!”
Puddle threw her forelegs around me, pulling me into a wingbone-crunching hug.
“Ow… Puddle! Pega can’t breathe!” I gasped before being released by the terrified little demon.
“Sorry!” Puddle whispered, loosening her grip on me, but not fully letting me go. “Hyacinth and I got separated. You’re the first one to find me. I’m so scared! Did that monster get Blackjack and Bubblegum?”
Tears welled at the corners of our eyes. I blinked them away.
“I don’t know, Puddle. But... we have to find them. I searched for everypony’s tags earlier. You were the closest.”
I offered her what I hoped was a reassuring smile.
“If I know Blackjack, she’s rather hard to kill. And Bubblegum is an earth pony. I’m sure he’s hurt, but he’ll make it. You, earth ponies, are strong, right?” I said playfully pushing at her shoulder.
Sweet Baby Luna, she was made of spun steel, too! Freaking earth ponies!
Puddle sniffled as she wiped the corners of her eyes.
“You’re right. And they may need our help! I… I have some medical training. Maybe I can help out Bubblegum,” she said.
I felt something inside of her harden and galvanise against her fears.
“I have all the healing items,” I admitted. “So how about this? Let’s catch our breaths here a minute. Then let’s try to find the next tag. Does that sound like a plan? We’ll go really slow, and be ready to hide at the flick of a tail.”
Puddle nodded in agreement. Then she looked at me with widening, terrified eyes… No, not at me. Behind me!
“Le-” She paused as her contagious terror soaked into me.
I froze as she slowly raised a hoof toward the opening behind me.
The sour scent of urine filled the tiny alcove we shared as she stammered, “L-l-l-leg!”
The harsh crunching of leaves being pulverised rasped harshly behind me. A loud thump, like a massive hoof hitting the hard packed soil, rumbled dangerously close to us. A loud cracking sound resounded once above our heads.
You’re going to learn a lot of things, but it might be easier to keep living if you didn’t learn them — if you didn’t know them. You don’t realise your body is on fire and burning up because of the things you did. You’ll understand one day. And then you’ll realise for the first time that you have many burns. - Blank Slate
“This is stupid.”
“What is, Threnody?”
“This. Us. Talking about it. I don’t need to talk about it.”
“I very much think you do, Threnody. I think after going–”
“Maybe I don’t want to talk about it, okay? Maybe I think this entire exercise is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life! Which is saying something, considering all the dumb shit I’ve done with Blackjack.”
“You know... it doesn’t sound like you’ve got nothing to say on what happened.”
“You know what, I do have a lot to say. I am so tired of this fucking game. Of all the bullshit I’ve been through because of the Heartmenders. In the end, what have you all done for me? Given me? Jack fucking shit! Yeah, let’s take the kid away from where she grew up, make her work, and send all her money. Give it to her worthless piece of crap mother. Then what? Send her, solo, and still a fucking kid, mind you, to help one of the most fucked-up mares the wasteland has ever seen? So I have this to say: fuck you.”
“I... likely deserved that.”
“Damn fucking straight you do. I… Do you even know how much I’ve lost because of this fucking job? This fucking special talent? The one that I can’t even use anymore, by the way? Everything! So yeah, fuck you. Fuck the Followers. Fuck everything.”
“It sounds like the loss of your heartmending senses is bothering you a lot more than you admitted earlier.”
“I’m... terrified? I– I don’t know how to live without those senses. That was what kept me out of danger. It was my shield! Without being able to feel other ponies, all the dumb crap that’s happened to me will happen again… just because I can’t tell what some asshole out there has planned for me behind their fake smiles and sweet lies.”
“Well, as I hear it, there’s nothing medically wrong with you. Do you know what I think?”
“No... And I’m struggling to find a reason to care, too.”
“Again, fair. Still... I think the loss of your abilities comes from all the unprocessed trauma you've accrued in the past month. The weight of several ponies' lives fell on you, Threnody. For somepony so young, it isn’t fair.”
“Oh, it isn't fair? Well, thanks for letting me know, because that little detail completely slipped my notice!”
“Well, since we’re clearly in agreement on that, I think we should talk about it.”
“I don’t like this plan.”
“Let’s be honest, Threnody. Nopony likes therapy. But… without letting you process your own fears and feelings, this is going to fester. You’ve worked with Blackjack long enough to know that to be true.”
“It hurts.”
“I know. And it’s going to continue hurting. And that’s what I’m here for, Threnody. To let you be stormy, to bluster and shout and thunder at the injustices of the world. Because otherwise you’ll be turning that storm inward, and you’ve done that too much already.”
“I don’t know where to start.”
“How about when you first realised you couldn’t feel your friends?”
Puddle and I froze in terror as loud crunching sounds seeped down from above us. The horrible cacophony of teeth tearing at what sounded like leather joined the miasma of old decay, recent death, and hot ammonia in our small hiding place beneath the bushes. An acrid smell wafted off Puddle’s hindlegs. Her fear threatened to deluge me as the creature stood just outside of our hiding space.
What was it doing? Why had it stopped there? For that matter, what was it eating?
I prayed it wasn’t one of our friends.
The sounds continued for far too long, until a loud crashing of leaves startled the pair of us. My wings splayed out, my body screaming for me to run. I glanced down at the single, sopping blinkgrape that’d just landed squarely in front of us. Frothy white monster slobber slowly dripped off of the rapidly blinking fruit.
I let out a small strangled sound. I wanted to scream but a part of me — the one cracking under the stress — wanted to laugh. Here we were, scared out of our minds by this gigantic creature, and all it was after was these stupid grapes.
Taking a deep breath, I glanced out of our hiding space. The creature took a step forward, and where its massive hoof landed, the forest floor erupted with life. Plants and saplings blossomed in a heartbeat around it. Lively, healthy, they appeared untainted by the Red Forest. Then it lifted its hoof again, and the only patch of healthy colour I’d seen in the forest until now withered into a wilted, red morass. The Proxigian spring tides of life and death, all in a single step.
My curiosity got the better of me. I had to get a closer look. Had to better understand what in the name of the Princesses was going on. Puddle tugged at my tail, her eyes desperately pleading with me not to leave the safety of our alcove. But I needed to know what was up with this creature. And it was only after the blinkgrapes. Wasn’t it?
Swallowing my fear, I stepped out. High above me, the creature stretched out, almost like it was part of the canopy of ruddy trees towering above. I blinked several times as I struggled to process what I was looking at.
The creature appeared to be a tall quadruped and its hooves, as large as trunks, were cloven. Beautiful wildflowers bloomed between their cleft; vibrant blooms of yellow, orange, and white along with a seductively sweet-smelling grass. They grew separately, like plants were supposed to. Not like the forest's mangled wildflower clusters.
The effect was strong, but limited in radius. The wildflowers and sweetgrass stopped blooming about two meters away from the creature’s hoof. Beyond, everything remained stunted, sick, or dead. I dreaded to think what would happen if a pony was inside of that ring of life when the creature decided to lift its limb.
I turned back and motioned for Puddle to come and leave the relative safety of our soiled little nook. She shook her head, eyes wide with fear.
“It just wants the grapes, come on!” I hissed in a whisper, hoping the creature paid as little attention to sounds as it did to what its hooves were doing.
Another blinkgrape dropped down from the canopy and bounced into Puddle’s hole, smacking her wetly square between the eyes. In spite of my terror at the moment, a part of me had to cover my muzzle with my hooves to stop from laughing as the mangled eye-fruit hastened my friend’s retreat from her hiding place.
“What do we do?” Puddle whispered, her legs shaking at the sight of the monstrosity.
“We keep our cool, let it eat, and we go find the others,” I replied. “Just... stay away from the grass and flowers around its legs.”
Puddle nodded and we started to creep our way through the underbrush, away from the creature. Seconds later, she put a hoof on my flank.
“Does the forest seem brighter to you?” she asked.
I looked around. Nothing had changed to me. The perpetual eventide of the forest was as gloomy as it was when we entered. If anything, it felt like it was getting darker! Which, checking my pipbuck, made no sense. It was only mid-afternoon, and there was no way the sun was setting yet at this time of year.
“No!” I whispered back. “It’s getting darker! This place is getting creepier the longer we’re here!”
Puddle shook her head.
“I don’t think so, Threnody. It feels brighter. Like… like, look!” she pointed at a flower cluster growing nearby. Some bizarre amalgamation of lilies and roses. “Look how shiny it is!”
Great. I was lost in a dark forest with a hallucinating pony!
“It’s just a creepy flower, Puddle,” I snapped. “We need to go. I was going to find the next nearest tag. I think that’s…”
As I trailed off, I realised Puddle was slowly crawling away from me. Back towards the creature.
I darted after her, ducking beneath the half-a-foreleg long thorns in the – wait when did the underbrush have thorns? Had I missed them in my desperate flight to find Puddle? Or was the forest starting to mold itself…
For me. Luna save me! The forest was psychoactive! Or something in it was, and Puddle was so stuck on finding something safe that she was dashing back toward the creature! Towards the green between its legs!
“Puddle!” I cried out, discarding all pretense of stealth. This forest was a deathtrap for even the most careful ponies, and this one was acting like she'd done a few too many lines of Moondust!
I fought my way through the underbrush, the thorns grazing my coat, and got back to the small path that led to our hiding spot. Puddle sat by the blossoming and bustling plant life that radiated outwards from the creature's hooves. She giggled and reached in the radius to touch something only she could see.
“Puddle, hey. I need you to come over here,” I called out gently, trying to shove aside the visions of thorny vines coming to rip my hide to pieces from just beyond my sight. “Can you do that?”
“You don’t want to pet the bunny?” Puddle asked, pouting as she leaned back from the mesmerising plants.
The creature shuffled its hooves, and the flowers before Puddle withered and died, only to spring up anew, scant centimeters from her.
“I do!” I said, grimacing. I wished I could also see rabbits but I only saw a monster in front of me. “Can you bring her over here?”
Puddle pouted again, but nodded. She pantomimed picking up a small creature in her right foreleg and hobbled over to me. I let out a breath of relief.
"They just wanted to show me their burrows so I can hide with them," Puddle said.
“Puddle, I’m really happy you found your bunny! But we really need to find our friends.” I placed a hoof on her shoulder. “Can you come with me back into the forest?”
“But… but…” tears welled up in her eyes. “Threnody, why are you being so mean? The bunnies care about me. This is the first nice thing I've had since my parents died!”
The surge of grief slammed into me. I wilted as the thick, leaden pain twisted the stab wound her words left in my chest. I cursed myself for not paying close enough attention to my friends. I had to do better! Some heartmender I was…
“Puddle, I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, but… this forest is dangerous. If you bring the bunny with you, we’ll be able to keep her safe. Okay?”
It took a long moment before she finally nodded, and got back up onto all fours. Puddle pantomimed placing the bunny on her back.
“You stay there, okay, bunny?” she said gently. She stretched her ear behind, as if to listen. "Mhm, What do you say? I can come and see your burrow anytime? But where is it? Below my hooves you... say?"
She froze as flowers bloomed under her hooves. She looked down, confused, then all too quickly, they withered as the creature lifted its hoof.
Her EFS marker winked out.
“Puddle!” I screamed, wrapping my forelegs around her collapsed body.
I tried to heave her to where the next circle of life and death would spring up. If I could just get her into that circle of life and pull her out in time!
She was too heavy. I was too weak. The creature, indifferent to the life it had just snuffed out, began to slowly step further away, toward another tree. Toward more lives it would ruin.
Tears ran down my face as I held Puddle’s lifeless body in my hooves.
“Why?” Why the fuck was this happening!? If something like that could bring life, and so quickly take it away, why!? What the fuck was wrong with this place!? Why, who, what was that thing!?
“You bastard!” I screamed, letting all of my sorrow and all of my hate swell into my voice. “You fucking bastard! Bring her back! Bring Puddle back!”
The creature didn’t hear me or didn’t care. I was just a small brown blotch of equinity.
So I did what seemed like the best idea at the time: I flew up through the winding red trunks, up, up till I’d nearly reached the canopy. With all my might, I barreled down and punched the creature in between its glowing eyes. My hoof made contact with surprisingly supple flesh, and the world twisted away.
I found myself fluttering far above a great green forest, with all manner of creatures running through it — living, loving, dying, and being born anew. And I was aware of it all. Beside me stood a creature that I couldn’t describe. Grace of form inaccessible to ponies radiated from it. It stood tall and beautiful like a deer, but held an energy that Zebra only possessed in dance and laughter. A racked pair of antlers sprung from its brow, and lilacs bloomed from them.
“This was my world,” the creature said with the weighted tone of a mother bereft of her beloved child. “I treasured it. Guarded it. Watched over all the little ones within it.”
The bunnies that had so fascinated Puddle raced through small trails in the forest. Small birds I had only ever seen in books flew around us in a dizzying flurry of colour.
“Who are you?” the creature asked. “Why have you brought me back here?” Grief dripped from each and every one of her words, threatening to overwhelm my senses. Her pain contaminated my soul, filled it with sorrow and profound, fathomless loss.
“I… I didn’t bring you back here! I don’t know what happened!” I cried out before the tidal waves of anguish sheeting off her swamped my senses and sent me plummeting. A massive foreleg caught me before I could fall the long thirty metres to the forest floor below. Calm and understanding radiated from her as the creature held me close.
“My name is Threnody,” I replied after collecting myself. “I… I need you to save my friend.”
“Your friend?” the creature asked.
“You. Your hooves. They bring life, and then death wherever they tread. Sh– she was standing in the middle of that circle of life and death, and when you moved she… she…” I broke down, heavy sobs wracking my pathetically small body. “She wasn’t meant to die! She didn’t have to die!”
The creature’s features fell and she looked out to the horizon. There was a flash, and green fire engulfed the forest and all its screaming creatures. The fires cooled, the embers died and the forest’s signature, morose dimness pressed down on me. It coated my soul like a great ethereal pall. I watched the Red Forest moulder in the cold ashes of a fallen paradise.
Lifeless. Still. Dead.
“I am the Guardian, the watcher of the line between life and death. I know of your loss. I simply do not understand why it would trouble you. Is not life the beautiful lie, and death the painful truth? And even if you do indulge in pleasant fictions, why should I? My world is dead, and I am its ghost.”
As she spoke, the Guardian’s once beautiful form twisted into the terrible creature she’d become. Her glowing eyes stared at me, and their calmness swallowed up by a stagnant apathy that threatened to drown me. But I pushed back.
“Don’t you hate what’s become of you? Your forest? Why did you stop caring?” I shouted at her. “Guardian, why!? If you have the power of life and death, why did you stop caring?”
“Because the lie of life and light was laid bare to me.” A part of me wished that she had bellowed those words at me, shouted with a voice louder than thunder. But instead, her words were spoken in a desolate whisper as still as the dead forest around us. “And I can never again see the purpose in it.”
“You lost your way?” I asked gently, trying to figure out how something as… powerful as this creature could do that.
Guardian tilted her head, and the glow in her eyes dimmed.
“You seek to understand?” she asked.
“I am a heartmender, it’s what we do!”
I felt her lowering herself to the ground, and she contemplated me for what felt like an eternity.
“I remember your kind. Not pony heartmenders. Your kind was rarely aware of my presence. But the Cervyderian's often spoke to me. Their perceptive shamans walked with me. While I did not understand them, nor they me, I found their presence... pleasing.” As she spoke, The horrible bones that jutted from her cruelly warped back slowly sunk back beneath her mangled hide. “I did not think ponies could see Spirits. What makes you different?”
“Wait… we can’t?” I asked, so very confused. “I’ve… been seeing Dealer for some time.”
“Ah, that would explain it. Possibility touched you, and now you can glimpse into the World That Was Hidden,” she said as if that was supposed to explain anything.
Possibility? I thought. Who the hell is Possibility? Then it struck me that she could be referring to Dealer. Was Dealer’s true name Possibility?
“Guardian, I don’t know what that means,” I said, frowning. “What is the world that was hidden? Is… that where you live?”
Guardian’s face shifted a bit, and while it was terrifying to behold, the more… alive she looked, the more comforted I felt by her presence.
“There is much of the world you never see, little one. And I am not the one to answer your questions. Possibility felt you needed to see us for a reason. To peer through the Invisible Veil.” A very mortal smirk crossed her muzzle. “I wonder if this has to do with the Great Wager.”
“Is that the bet that Dealer made about the nature of good and evil?”
“Perhaps. Or perhaps not. I do not know. It… has been quite some time since I had any concern for such tiresome schemes. Or for anything at all, come to that.”
“If you’ve no concern, could I give you some of mine?” I asked. “I… I don’t think the world can heal without… um… Spirits like you. I know that we — ponies and zebras, I mean — bled Equus dry, leaving her nothing but a husk of herself. But… as Dealer, or this Possibility said, and as you’ve alluded to, the world was broken at its core, something deeper than just ruined towns and blistering radiation.” I sighed, then threw myself across her great foreleg. “But I can’t do this alone. Not without my friends. Please, Guardian. I need her back!”
I placed a hoof on the foreleg that Guardian held me with, and focussed with all my might. I didn’t have much, just a little spark of love and care for the world. It was still something that I had protected from the Wasteland. With as much gentleness as possible, I tried to pass that spark on to Guardian.
I felt something rest on the back of my head, and opened my eyes again. Guardian looked a little more like her Pre-war self. It was a subtle change, but she peered at me with very intense green eyes.
“You would give up what you are to make me care?” she asked.
“I have done stupider things in the past,” I admitted with a sombre chuckle. “I… selfishly, I need you to care. I need you to save Puddle. She… she can’t die because of me.”
“I cannot take your spark, Threnody,” Guardian said. “That would violate the deep magic of the Hidden World. I’ve seen so many things, so many things that have kept me in this waking gray sleep. But, your willingness to burn for the world despite what it has done to you… I’ve… not sensed that in some time. Perhaps Possibility does see something in you that I do not. You have given me much to think about, little phoenix.”
“I… phoenix?” I asked.
“You will understand in time…” Guardian said, before the world faded again.
When I came to, Guardian was gone. I couldn’t see where she went, but a trail of life stretched off into the forest, presumably in her wake. Trees that had once been red were now blessed with green. Blooming wildflowers kissed her trail. And in front of me, Puddle stirred.
“Puddle!” I cried out, squeezing my friend tightly.
“Wh– wha?” she asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes with her hooves. “I had the weirdest dream. I was in a field! There were glowing lights that floated upwards, and there was a–” she stopped, and looked down between us. “A bunny!”
I looked down, and teared up. A small bundle, no, pair of bundles of fluff — one brown and white, the other black — lay nestled in Puddle’s forelegs. Two small rabbits slept there, their sides slowly heaving up and down in sleep.
“Threnody, what happened?” Puddle asked. “Why are you crying?”
I swallowed hard, trying desperately to hold back tears.
“Puddle, you… wouldn’t believe me if I told you. But that can wait. Let’s get your furry friends into your saddlebags. We need to find the others…”
“It wasn’t long after that I realised that I couldn’t feel Puddle.”
“Do you think Guardian took your spark?”
“She… said she couldn’t. I believe her.”
“That’s a pretty... bold assumption, Threnody.”
“Well, why would I believe different? I mean really? I met with something that was so much bigger and older and stronger than me. She didn’t have to do anything. It could have easily left Puddle dead, and carry on as it was before. But… she changed. There was life in that forest again. Not much, but it was there! I really don’t think she was lying when she said she wouldn’t take my spark. But… maybe you were right about me overtaxing myself a little.”
“A little?”
“Okay, maybe more than a little...”
“Threnody, you tend to take the weight of the whole world on your shoulders. I know we tend to do that, heartmenders in particular. Still, ancient forest spirit or no, you’re not a phoenix. If you die, you won’t be reborn. Could this be your body’s way of saying you need to slow down? Take it easy?”
“But… all of my friends, they–”
“Have each other. They can take care of themselves without you for the time being. Being a heartmender gives you a great sense of responsibility to them, but you don’t need to make it your everything. You don’t need to set yourself on fire to make sure they are warm.”
“Am I... doing that?”
“With alarming frequency, Threnody.”
“I don’t know how to not do that. I don’t know what it is like. I get so worried about what they think, what they all must be going through…”
“Well, let’s talk about that, then. What happened when you found Bubblegum and Glitter?”
Puddle and I followed the tags to track down Bubblegum and Glitter Bomb. Their tags were close together, and with the hit he’d taken when I last saw him. No, I couldn’t think about that now! I just had to focus on getting my medical supplies to Bubblegum as soon as we could.
Puddle and I trudged as quickly as possible through the forest. The forest didn't seem as dark as it was, despite the darkening blue of the evening sky I could see through the canopy above. My physical senses hadn’t gone haywire since my encounter with Guardian. If anything, my senses were too unperturbed.
I couldn’t feel Bubblegum or Glitter as we approached. I’d actually been struggling to get any emotional reading on Puddle during our search. I added it to the steadily growing hillock of ‘things to worry about later’.
We found a densely grown copse of trees and we struggled through. The maquis offered no spot where we could easily wiggle Puddle’s plush flanks through. As soon as we pushed through, and finally laid eyes on our friends again, it didn’t take my heartmending senses to realise something was wrong.
Bubblegum stared at me from the middle of the small clearing, his eyes wide enough that I could see white entirely around his irises. His nostrils flared as he stared at me and Puddle. I put a hoof on Puddle, holding her back.
“Bubblegum? It’s me, Threnody. I’ve got Puddle with me,” I called out as gently as possible.
“Threnody?” Glitter called out, trying to get out from behind Bubblegum. Even from where I stood, I could see that her horn was blackened and dried blood matted her cheek. Whether or not it was hers or Bubblegum’s, I couldn’t tell.
Bubblegum turned, grunted, and pushed Glitter back down, before levelling his shotgun at Puddle and I. His eyes were bloodshot, his pupils like pinpricks. His breathing was unsteady and labored. The gashes that sliced his side oozed with pus.
“Bubblegum, I am a friend. I’m here to help,” I said quietly. “I have several healing potions for you. If you’d let me help you.” I moved my hoof toward my saddlebags.
Bubblegum’s jaw tightened in response, so I moved my leg back to the ground.
Glitter sniffled.
“Bubblegum, I’m scared. Please stop being scary!” she begged, placing a hoof on his flank. “Bubblegum?”
“Glitter, can you levitate a potion out of my saddlebags?” I asked, taking the opportunity to flip the flap open while Bubblegum was momentarily distracted.
Glitter moaned softly, but lit her badly charred horn. Slowly, painfully, a single healing potion drifted in front of Bubblegum. He stared at it for a long moment, before reaching up to grab it. Pulling the stopper out with his teeth, he chugged the potion. Worryingly, it seemed to be doing very little for the injuries to his side. I feared he would need surgery, and that was far beyond what I could do in the middle of a deadly forest. I wasn’t even sure I could give him stitches at this point.
Logging my concern away from the moment, I lay down on my belly and tried to look as small as possible.
“Puddle, why don’t we take a rest here for a moment,” I said gently.
“Oh, sure! That sounds good. Um, Bubbles, Glitter? Do you need anything to eat?” the little earth pony asked as she shrugged off her saddlebags and sat down next to me.
Her left flank pressed against my right, and again I saw a flash of… something. Puddle crying out in anguish over a bloodied pegasus. Argh, why was this happening now!?
“I had a snack cake earlier. Thank you, Puddle,” Glitter called back in reply. “Did that hearthing potion help, Bubblegum?”
Puddle and I sat together in silence as Bubblegum stared us down for what felt like an eternity. But slowly, excruciatingly slowly, he seemed to be calming down, though he didn’t seem to be in much mood to talk.
“Glitter,” I started gently, wincing as his eyes bored into me with renewed ferocity. “What did Bubblegum take?”
Glitter frowned and ducked her head down behind Bubblegum, coming up with a pair of syringes and a bottle.
“He used two shots of meringue-X and something he called stamping meat. And took a pill,” she replied after setting the spent syringes down. “Then he got kinda quiet and scary. We didn’t have any purple feel-better juice.”
It took all of my reserve efforts of self-control to not start yelling at Bubblegum for his recklessness as Glitter listed off the drugs. Though I cringed, it had more than likely been a good call on Bubblegum’s part. The Buck alone was likely keeping him alive, especially since the healing potions were with my stupid self and not available after he’d been hit by that monster.
“Bubblegum, would you like another healing potion?” I asked, trying to meet his eyes.
He stared back at me with a searing intensity that only ponies very much under the influence could muster. After a pregnant pause, he nodded.
Very slowly, very carefully, I lifted a pair of healing potions out of my pack, and tossed them toward him. With preternatural reflexes, Bubblegum caught the bottles and chugged them down. I still had four left, according to my pipbuck but I wanted to make sure that Bubblegum healed enough to not die, but not so much that his body started healing wrong. Healing potions could be life-saving, but I also knew from my medical training with the Followers that the potions could cause bones to heal incorrectly. Later surgeries would be needed to break them back into shape. I didn’t want to think about what it would take to sedate somepony the size of Bubbles for major surgery.
“Water,” he croaked, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Do you have water?”
His voice was as dry and dusty as Dealer’s but I still relaxed when he spoke. He wasn’t too far gone into shock… or worse, into the frightening cocktail of chems he was swimming in. I snagged a bottle of water and tossed it over to him. After he chugged that down, Puddle startled me by poking my side.
“Can I have some water, too?” she asked. “I forgot to fill my bottles before we escaped from Maredras…”
I reached out and ruffled the top of her mane before passing her a bottle as well.
“We should probably conserve what we have. Start to pool our resources,” I suggested.
“I have more snack cakes,” Glitter offered.
“I have some cans of Cram and some other food as well,” Puddle added, rummaging around in her saddlebags. “I think I might have some Sparkle~Cola.”
“How about you, Bubblegum?”
Bubblegum very slowly raised his pipbuck and began poking at the buttons.
“Several cans of beans, Instamash, lots of bullets, grenades, drugs, bubblegum, more drugs, a few components to make grenades…” he rattled off quickly, his voice somewhat hollow. “I don’t know why I don’t have any water.”
“Do you have anything for my horn, Threnody?” Glitter asked. “It really hurts!”
Watching Bubblegum reminded me that pipbucks had sorting spells. Picking through my inventory, I found a trio of healing bandages. Callie had explained to me that they were mildly enchanted, and at least provided some minor pain relief when used. I looked up at Bubblegum.
“Can I come over and wrap your barrel with these bandages? I also have one for Glitter’s horn,” I explained.
He fixed me with that intense look again before nodding. “Just… move slowly. I think I might have overdone it with the Stampede,” he said, a shudder jostling his withers. “Anything that moves too fast freaks me out and I’m feelin’ kinda twitchy if you get my meaning.”
I nodded, keeping that in mind as I got up and left Puddle’s side. I made my way slowly over to him and Glitter, careful to not make any sudden movements. Bubblegum watched me out of the corner of his eye as I unrolled a pair of bandages.
Looking over his wounds, I could see why the healing potions weren’t working. A thick, fibrous slime covered the deep gashes that gouged his sides. It didn’t look like a bacterial infection, but rather a fungal mycelium. I gulped; Bubblegum required major surgery.
“I’m going to pass the bandages to Glitter, okay, Bubblegum?” I asked, pressing the treated gauze into his side.
“Oh. Yep. Nnggh. Hurts so good!” He hissed. He lifted himself as Glitter and I passed the bandages over his wounds. “Fuck, I’m two doses of Med-X in and it still hurts like a mothefucker. Is i– it s– supposed to be c– cold?” he chattered, glancing back at the bandages.
I nodded.
“Callie said these were treated with some healing spells and herbs to ease the pain. They’re also supposed to have mild antibiotic properties. So the cool sensation is probably the herbs,” I explained. “How does that feel?”
Bubblegum swallowed. “Hhhh. Better. Gonna feel like hell when I come down,” he admitted. “That… fucking thing went right through my armour like it wasn’t there. Probably would have gone deeper if it hadn’t hit mom’s old launcher,” he said, patting the battered weapon. “She’s earned a lot of care and attention once I find a workbench…”
I frowned, then motioned for Glitter to rest her head on Bubblegum’s back. “I’m going to wrap Glitter’s horn, but she shouldn’t do magic for a few days,” I cautioned, wincing at the horrid char on my friend’s purple, spiraled horn.
Fatigue left me hollow, terribly unaware or unperceptive to my friend's pain as I wrapped her horn. Glitter gave me an appreciative, tired smile as the bandages worked their magic.
“That feels a lot gooder, Threnody,” Glitter said quietly. “But no more magic for today, right?”
“Right,” I said, carefully tying off the bandage. “Now that you’re both patched up a bit, can I call Puddle over here? Bubbles?” I asked once I’d got Glitter wrapped up.
He nodded, dropping down onto his barrel. “Yeah. Just… again, move slowly.”
I motioned for Puddle to join us, then turned back to Bubblegum.
“How much more Buck do you have?” I asked.
Bubblegum frowned. “Uh… look, that… I mean…”
I glared at him. “Bubblegum, I don’t care why you have any of the drugs, I need to know how much Buck you have left.” I gulped, then slowly reached out my hoof to pat his shoulder. “Glitter said you already took one. How long has it been?”
Bubblegum gave me a helpless look, then shook his head. I sighed.
“Glitter, do you know when he took the pill?”
Glitter sucked air and shook her head. “I didn’t really look at my pimp buck. I was worried about Bubblegum being all broken on his side,” she admitted.
“Fine, then I want you to take another dose now, Bubblegum. I know that stuff can be addictive, but it may be the only thing keeping you alive right now.” I contemplated giving him one more healing potion but was afraid of what would happen if I did. “I can’t imagine how those wounds feel, probably hurt like–”
“Honestly, the two doses of Med-X were keeping the pain to an ignorable minimum,” he interjected, earning a frown from me.
“Regardless, you’re gonna need some serious medical attention when we get to Puddle’s Stable. Now, I’d like to see if we can find Blackjack.” If she’s still alive. “And Hyacinth and Solidarity. But first, I want to make sure that you’re not going to freak out when we start moving out. The monster that attacked us must still be around.”
“What about the big creature? The… the tall, silent one?” Puddle asked, her voice quavering a moment.
I shuddered, but shook my head. “Guardian isn’t going to be a problem.”
Bubblegum raised an eyebrow. “Guardian?”
“I… look, it’s a long story, but I connected with her on an empathic level. She gave me her name and really we should be thinking of finding the rest of the group,” I said rapidly, hoping to quell any further questioning.
Bubblegum snorted. “Of course you’ve been making friends with the monsters. And I thought I was high.”
I chuckled, and lightly nudged his shoulder. “You are high, fucker. That’s why we’re trying to make sure you stay chilled the fuck out for the next little bit. At least until that Stampede wears off.”
Puddle and Glitter chuckled appreciatively at us as Bubblegum patted my head.
“You’re a good pony, Threnody. At least when you’re not actively trying to pretend to be the emotional equivalent of a phoenix,” he muttered, smirking at me.
His use of the word phoenix gave me pause, and I started choking on my own spit as I inhaled sharply mid reply. He gently patted me on the back as I tried to recover.
“Okay, now I know you’re on drugs, cause you’re being super nice to me,” I chided gently.
“No, you’re on drugs!” Bubbles replied, his voice taking on a silly tone.
The mirth came to a screeching halt as something crashed through the edge of the clearing. The only nice interaction I’d had with Bubbles of late abruptly ended, twinging my heart. Dosed, he wasn’t yelling at me and hadn’t left me thinking him to be a complete buttmunch.
Bubbles rose up on all fours, his massive hoof pressing my head down as I tried to rise to identify what had just tumbled into the copse, but there was no mistaking her. Blackjack had found her way back to us! Her mane was messy and full of leaves and burrs, and despite the high-velocity slam of a monster’s paw she took last time I saw her, she was walking just fine.
“Oh, good! There you all are!” she said, stumbling over a fallen branch. “I was beginning to think you all were monster food or something and I was gonna have to burn down this forest!”
I frowned. I still couldn’t feel anything, but even without it… I could tell that something in Blackjack’s behaviour seemed off.
“Blackjack, are you–” my muzzle hit the dirt as Bubblegum pressed me down again. I looked up at him, and realised he was taking on that same protective stance that he’d had when Puddle and I first entered the grove. Shit.
Blackjack’s eyes narrowed down, glaring at the hoof that pinned me down. Her eyes crawled back up, at Bubblegum.
“Hey Bubs, what’cha doing?” she asked lazily, relaxing her body as she stared him down. Though it was hard to tell from my position on the ground, I could hear a bit of her shooty persona in her voice.
Oh, Goddesses! The forest was messing with her head too!
“Don’t come any closer,” Bubblegum replied evenly, lifting his hoof off of the back of my head to help him square up his shoulders. “I know what you do in situations like this, and I’m not gonna let it happen. Not again.”
I took the opportunity to raise my head up.
“Look, if we can all just calm down and–”
“What do I do in these situations, Bubblegum? Tell me. I’d love to know,” Blackjack said, her words leaving her mouth at almost a purr. But the look in her eyes was anything but sensual.
Bubblegum tilted his head to the side, still tracking Blackjack as she slowly stalked toward his side, inconveniently placing me in the middle of them.
“Most of the time, you get my friends killed. I would really rather you not do that. So why don’t you stay over there, hmm?” he growled. I watched the muscles on his withers ripple as he countered her with a threat.
I was suddenly glad that I couldn’t detect exactly what they were feeling. I had a hunch, but being caught in the clashing tumult of their seething emotions for each other would probably make me do something extremely stupid. As it was, I opted for something merely ineffectual.
“Blackjack, if you would ju–”
“Not now, Threnody. Big ponies’re talking,” she said, giving Bubblegum a shooty look. Oh, fuck! That was the shooty look?! She had given me that one before in Star House! Bubbles was going to die!
“Will you both–” I started, only to have my mouth clamped closed with white magic. I looked up straight at Blackjack’s flaring horn and snorted in rage. How dare she!?
As soon as Blackjack’s horn lit up, Bubblegum moved, far faster than I thought he could manage in his current state. With Stampede rushing his veins, and likely clogging his liver, Bubbles delivered a crushing uppercut to Blackjack's cheek with fire and fury in his pink eyes.
Blackjack staggered to the side, reeling from the impact, then backflipped away from him, firing off a magical bolt at Bubblegum mid-flip. How the hell did she do that?! The bullet bit into his chest armour, and he let out a loud wuff at the impact.
“Kid, I will kill you if I must. I really don’t like being the executioner,” she cautioned as she levitated her shotgun out of her saddlebags.
“You say that far too often and kill far too many for that to be remotely true,” he countered, squaring back up to her.
“Stop it! Both of you!” Puddle, Glitter, and I cried almost as one, only for our pleas to fall on deaf ears.
Bubblegum swung at Blackjack again, this time catching only air as she bobbed and hopped out of the way. Her horn flared, followed by the familiar pop of teleportation. I winced as I waited for her to appear behind Bubblegum. She was going to cripple his hind legs!
Blackjack flashed back into existence. Bubblegum bucked. Blackjack’s shotgun roared as Bubblegum’s hind hooves connected with it, causing it to fire off a cluster of buckshot over his head. The weapon hurled backward into Blackjack’s snout. She let loose a grunt of pain as Bubblegum whirled on her, ready to lay into her with his hooves.
Eschewing shooting, Blackjack swung her shotgun about with her magic. The steel drum magazine smashed into Bubble’s cheek, just below his eye. He paused and shook himself, momentarily stunned by the impact. Blackjack teleported again. She appeared on the far side of the copse and fired a burst of telekinetic bullets.
Blood sprayed from Bubblegum’s injured side. The one I had just started healing!
The big earth pony roared in... pain? Anger? Ecstasy? I couldn’t tell, but it couldn’t be too far from the first two, judging by the dribbles of blood and bile he was coughing up. Faster than I could blink, he took out and sucked down a huge puff of some sort of inhaler that I’d never seen before. Bubblegum’s pupils disappeared into pinpricks and he sprung. Moving at an alarmingly quick pace, he charged across the small clearing. Blackjack pointed her shotgun up and fired at point-blank range. The buckshot scattering off of Bubblegum’s armour.
Her eyes widened as he shrugged off the hit and struck her hard across the muzzle. Blackjack’s horn flared again and she disappeared. I blinked, and a spent syringe of Med-X fell at Bubblegum’s hooves. How was he doing that?
Then it hit me.
S.A.T.S. The bastard was using S.A.T.S. to take drugs!
I dropped into S.A.T.S. myself as I watched Blackjack start to swap ammo drums. She moved at normal speed, even with my pipbuck’s assistance. To my dismay, so did Bubblegum!
“Both of you stop!” I shouted.
Blackjack turned, a look of confusion on her face. Bubblegum ignored me and barrelled into her, knocking the shotgun out of her magic. I dropped out of S.A.T.S, praying that my distraction hadn’t killed one or both of my friends.
Blackjack rolled away from Bubblegum, but still caught a bone-crunching blow to her side from one of his massive forehooves which sent her tumbling. Her horn flared, and she teleported again.
“I’m so happy we finally get to do this!” she shouted from across the clearing before a fit of giggles wracked her body. “Do you remember when you tried to swing by yourself, alone in that basement a lifetime ago? I tried to show you! You can’t dance on your own, you need a partner! But now, can’t you see how much fun we can have together? We’ve always been perfect partners, right from the start! Now dance with me, P-21!”
Blackjack’s horn shone brightly as she shifted her magic into a blade. Sweat mingled with blood as it ran down her forehead.
“P… 21?” I mumbled. Was the forest making her see her dead love?
Bubblegum charged across the clearing again, this time opening up with his shotgun on the way in. Blackjack howled in pain as the buckshot dug into her hide, then slashed out with her magic blade. Bubblegum tried to dodge, but the blade sliced a deep gash in his injured side, carving off enough flesh to reveal ribs.
Bubblegum should have gone down. Any reasonable pony would have stopped then and begged for healing. But Bubblegum was halfway to the moon on drugs, and just kept coming. Blackjack’s eyes widened.
“I am not your piece of flesh to toy with!” Bubblegum roared, his massive hoof slamming down on the top of her head with a horrifying CRUNCH. He followed through, pummeling Blackjack to the ground, where she lay still.
A deathly silence ensnared the clearing.
“Have you ever wondered about the mathematics of tears? Why we cry? Which variables cause us to cry? The functions and coefficients?”
“I cannot say that I have, Threnody. Why do you ask?”
“I’m sure if I knew the numbers, I could figure them out from a physics standpoint. Simple surface tension, elementary fluid microdynamics, caused by hormonal shifts within the body to make it so that we cry. And we cry for oh, so many reasons. For sadness. For happiness. In laughter. In pain. Through the heights of joy and through the depths of sorrow. So many seemingly paradoxical reasons. So what then, Sandalwood, are the true mathematics of tears?”
I stared at Bubblegum in shock as Blackjack lay motionless in front of him. Dawning realisation alighted on his features as he took in what he’d just done.
“You fucking moron!” I screamed, charging across the clearing at him, bandages trailing behind me like white streamers. “What have you done?!”
All sense of calm had thoroughly left me as I reached them and took in the damage Bubblegum had done. Her horn had cracked all the way down to her skull under the force of his titanic hoofblow, blood flowing easily from the shattered mess of bone and connective tissue. She was breathing, but her left foreleg was extended oddly in front of her. Her entire body looked like it was tensed up.
Bubblegum didn’t move. He just turned over his hoof and stared at the blood welling up from the hole in his frog. Blackjack’s horn had likely penetrated his hoof all the way in to his coffin bone, but I was having a hell of a time caring about him at that moment!
“Bubblegum! What happened to Blackjack? Why did you get all hurted?” Glitter cried out, racing over to him and looking over his hoof.
“No magic!” I snapped at her for fear she’d try to use her horn, before turning my attention to Blackjack’s still form.
I could feel how unusually tense her body was. She lay in an awkward sprawl with blood gushing down her forehead. Oh, my goddesses, I could see pink marrow in between the larger cracks in her horn. I thanked Celestia and Luna and even Cadance for small miracles that her horn had simply failed instead of penetrating her skull, but I remembered enough from the medical texts I’d read to know the odd way Blackjack was lying indicated a serious problem with her brain, and any brain damage was bad. And I knew for certain that my medical expertise was not remotely up to the task of trying to fix… this. A vial of flux would fix this right up, but where the hell would somepony find that stuff in this hellhole? It’s not like it was common in the wasteland at large.
“FUCK!” I screamed, lifting her head so I could pour a healing potion on it. I knew it didn’t work as well on her as flux, but it was what I had. Hoping that did the trick, I bandaged her head as best I could.
“You fucking idiot!” I shouted at her unconscious body, before jerking my head to stare Bubblegum down. “Both of you are fucking idiots! I know you are on drugs, Bubblegum, but look at what happened!”
Anger blazed within me as I finished wrapping Blackjack’s head. A million things could go wrong with this bad patch job. She probably had a brain hemorrhage, which could lead to a stroke. She could develop clots that would later cause an aneurysm. Hell, I could have just killed her by sealing goddesses only knew what kind of fucked-up fungi and bacteria in her bandages on an open head wound! All because some dumbass took a number of drugs that defied the very concept of sense. Some useless therapist filly I was; forced to do back-alley surgery with a log for an operating table!
I pulled out another roll of bandages, and turned to Bubblegum.
“Hoof. Now. Then lay on your side. I need to figure out how much damage she did to you,” I snapped.
Glitter moved over and fretted over Bubblegum as he got down to my level.
“Bubbles, are you gonna be okay?” she asked, her voice taking on a frightened tone.
“Threnody, anything I can do to help?” Puddle asked, interjecting herself into this fiasco.
Bubblegum said nothing, but gave me his hoof. I used my plain bandage to slow the bleeding from his wounded forehoof, and moved on to his side. Bile crawled up my throat as I realised I could count ribs ten through eighteen between an open flap of flesh and skin… when there wasn’t concerning amounts of blood flowing over everything. At the very least, Blackjack’s energy blade seemed to have removed all of the remaining mycelium from Bubblegum’s side. I quietly thanked Luna for small blessings.
“Puddle, Glitter: I need your help to wrap these bandages around Bubblegum. Again,” I sighed, allowing anger to add bite to my words. “As for you, captain dumbass, I need you to drink two of these,” I said, pulling out two of my remaining precious healing potions.
Bubblegum nodded, a hollow look in his eyes as he did as instructed. The girls helped me rewrap his barrel, the strung-out stallion emitting an odd gurgling noise when the healing bandages contacted raw flesh.
I dove into Bubblegum’s saddlebags, and came up with a concerning amount of drugs. Some of which I had never seen before! Rainboom. Stampede. Turbo? What the heck was Turbo? Finding ampules of Med-X, I hit Bubblegum with two doses. I didn’t know his exact weight, but I somehow felt that he did fit the ‘unusually large ponies’ category on the label.
“Can you talk?” I asked, tossing away the empty Med-X syringes.
“Yeah, kinda,” Bubblegum admitted slowly. “I–”
“Did a fucking stupid, is what you did!” I snapped, pulling out a bottle of Buck and shaking it. Half full. “I want you to take another Buck. I’m going to set a timer, and we’re gonna have you take this every two hours from now until we get to someplace where somepony can actually do surgery on you,” I explained, quite unconcerned with keeping my anger from soaking into my words. “We’re going to take five, then we’re moving to try to find Hyacinth and Solidarity. From there, we try to get out of here. No more foolishness. No more drama. Is that clear?”
Bubblegum nodded, and when I glared at Glitter and Puddle, they nodded as well.
“Puddle, I want you to help keep Bubblegum on his hooves. Glitter, I need you to carry Blackjack. You don’t have to use your magic; we’ll help you get her onto your back,” I ordered, then let out a sigh. “But for now, let’s… break out some emergency snack cakes and Sparkle Cola.”
“Maybe some emergency bunny pets?” Puddle asked, lifting a pair of rabbits from her saddlebags.
I stared at her in confusion. Wait, she’d actually gotten rabbits? Wait, I’d watched her put them into her saddlebags after our encounter with Guardian. It made sense we still had them, but at the same time I’d written that off as us just tripping balls in the woods. I didn’t think she’d actually found a pair of real-life bunnies!
“Bunny!” Glitter cried, before very slowly crawling over to lightly pet the brown and white bunny that hopped over to sniff at her.
“I… Bunnies?” Bubblegum asked as the black bunny raced up and over his uninjured side. “Where bunny?”
I opened my mouth to reply, then realised I didn’t have a good answer.
“Honestly I thought that was the forest playing tricks with my mind,” I said as the pair frolicked about the clearing. “I… didn’t think Puddle actually had those bunnies!”
“Yep! I did!” Puddle replied happily, taking some dried carrots out of her saddlebags and offering it to the bunnies. The pair greedily consumed the sugary vegetables, then hopped up onto Puddle’s back. She gave each a nuzzle with her cheek. “They’re really well behaved! I thought they’d have just run away.”
I frowned.
“Well, from what I remember, ponies before the war always had close connections with their pets. They tend to behave better for their owners, and I guess these two rabbits picked you, Puddle,” I offered. “Or these bunnies are rational and see you as a giant food source.”
“You do kinda look like a seaweed roll, Puddle,” Glitter added, making Puddle pout.
“Anyways,” I announced. “Gather up the rabbits. We need to find Solidarity and Hyacinth.” I shot a glare at Bubblegum. “You better pray to whatever goddess you believe in that they’ve found a way out of here, because so help me if you’ve just killed her…”
To his credit, Bubblegum stared me down. “What? What will you do, Threnody? Thank me for fixing your problems? Turn me into Minister Boing? I bet she’d pay a healthy reward for–”
I slapped him as hard as I could. And then I slapped him again. Glitter and Puddle stared at me in horror as I glared up at the big, stupid oaf.
“Right now you’re on drugs and reacting like an idiot,” I hissed at Bubblegum as he kept staring down at me, now semi-sensate. “But if you think that I’m doing okay right now, you’d be dead wrong. Right now we all need to survive. So you are going to take your strong, muscled ass, and help Glitter carry Blackjack. Do you understand me?”
Bubblegum blinked at me a moment, then slowly nodded.
“You shat in our bed, now you’re going to lay in it with us, Bubbles,” I said, gathering up what supplies I could into my saddlebags. I then checked my pipbuck; it didn’t seem like Hyacinth and Solidarity were too far off. It didn’t mean much in the winding undergrowth of the forest, anyway. “All right everypony, let’s move out.”
I don’t know when I became so bossy. I didn’t mean to be, but with Blackjack out of action and badly injured, I knew I had to step up. And I hated stepping up. It meant I didn’t have time to think. Didn’t have time to process what in Equestria was going on. I just had to act and hope that I didn’t get my three upright friends killed, nor the pair of bunnies that rode on Puddle’s back.
I kept having to bite back panic as the forest twisted around me. Occasionally it felt like it was getting darker, and more thorny. Still, I would close my eyes each time, count to ten, then open them to find that the thorns were gone. Trying to explain that to Puddle and Glitter was hell, and I’d given up on Bubblegum for the moment.
I was pissed off at him. A part of me wanted to shoot him. Another wanted to tell him it was going to be okay, and that I wasn’t that mad. The cynical side of me noted that if Blackjack died, at least Bubblegum had actually solved the problem of having to rehabilitate her crazy ass. Yet another piece of me wanted my disparate parts to get along and focus on not dying to weird fungus bear monsters.
When we finally caught up to Hyacinth and Solidarity, I breathed a little easier. Solidarity took one look at Blackjack and Bubblegum, and started barking orders. While I didn’t like being told what to do and where to go, having somepony else take responsibility for our safety felt… relieving. My shoulders were far too small to carry the weight of the four lives they’d been slowly buckling under.
“Threnody? Are you listenin’ to me?” Solidarity’s voice pulled me out from my thoughts.
I looked up at him.
“Oh, sorry,” I stammered. “What were you saying?”
Solidarity frowned, then tugged at my left leg with his magic.
“I was trying to tell you where we’re going. Hyacinth got through to one of the Wolves’ patrols. They’re trying to direct us here,” he said, poking at the map on my pipbuck, and setting a marker. “Hyacinth and I are going to take point. I want you to take up the rear.”
I paled as I realised that would put me, the smallest, most edible member of the party, in a really dangerous position.
“Are you–”
Solidarity glared, silencing my protest.
“Look, tail end charlie is where nopony likes to be, but Puddle can’t shoot for shit, and with Glitter’s magic out of commission and Bubblegum...” He glanced to the injured, dribbling and utterly vacant earth pony, “presently indisposed, you’re the only one I’ve got left.” He put a hoof on my shoulder. “I need Hyacinth up front to direct me and to keep the Wolves on track to us as we try to get to them. I’m askin’ a lot, but if you just keep your ears open and your eyes wide, we’ll all make it out. Just a long walk in the park, right?”
Sure, if every park was full of mutated plants and twisted crimes against nature. Totally a walk in the park.
I drew my plasma defender and flicked the safety off with my tongue. Solidarity nodded to everypony, and we trudged off into the underbrush.
Just when I was convinced the forest couldn’t get any more thick with ferns, mutated plants, blinkgrapes, and every hateful, horrible plant that grew thorns, the path widened into nothingness. My ears swivelled forward as I heard the out-of-place clip-cop of hooves on tarmac. I followed Puddle underneath a set of gnarled branches, and emerged onto what I could only assume was the Long 26.
“Alright y’all, it’s west from here,” Solidarity shouted. “A couple dozen kilometers, and we’re safe. If we can just–”
A loud gunshot echoed down the road from behind us. Everypony spun around to face whoever had fired off that shot.
Fifty meters down the road, arrayed in overlapping groups, stood at least twenty ponies. They all wore similar barding. My heart sank as a familiar top hat bobbled out from behind a tall, slender earth pony mare with a white coat and a long jet black mane standing at the front.
“You didn’t think you’d get away, did you?” Peculiar sing-songed, a sneer on his muzzle. “Oh, you did some very, very, very naughty things to give us the slippy-slip! It was so hard to find you, but find you we did! Yes, yes, yes, we did!”
Without warning, faint blue beams shot from the earth pony mare's forehead exactly where a horn would have been if she had one. I barely had time to register how impossible that was as I dived out of the way.
Is she a unicorn? Without a horn? What in the…?
Solidarity gasped as he dropped his pistols, the magic around his horn fizzling out.
I glanced back to Peculiar, who merely smirked at me.
“Silvia is a fascinating specimen, isn’t she?” an unfamiliar stallion asked as he took up a place by Peculiar’s side. They were mirror opposites. Where Peculiar was short and fat, this stallion was tall and thin. While Peculiar had a crazed air about him, this stallion regarded all of us like a cold, emotionally diseased child. Even their heterochromia was reversed.
“Are you going to use that weapon?” the tall stallion asked, chilling me with the ice in his voice. I realised that I was still carrying my plasma defender. With so many enemies pointing guns at us, and… that mysterious white mare’s freaky hornless magic thing, holding a gun probably wasn’t the best idea. He smirked approvingly at me as I holstered it.
A tense silence rippled down the road. We could try to bolt for the forest but the vegetation would make any run impossible. And… with so many ponies injured…
“By now I’m sure you’ve realised that you are trapped. Or should I have Silvia start tearing your friends to pieces one by one?” the tall stallion asked, placing a hoof on the pale mare’s dark mane. I realised with some alarm that her eyes were red like Blackjack’s, but looked… wrong somehow. How could this be? Another mare that looked so much like Blackjack? Here? Now? Was the forest still screwing with my head? All she needed was some red in her mane and they could be twins!
“Ready, master,” the mare said in a soft, oddly neutral soprano. “They will die at your command.”
“That won’t be necessary, Silvia. I do believe our friends will behave themselves. Goodness knows the alicorn doesn’t look like she’s in any shape to fight,” the stallion continued, surveying our sorry band over, his eyes glinting like fresh razors when they landed on Blackjack draped unconscious across Glitter’s back. “And with that ugly little anomaly out of the way, I believe we can finally talk,” he said, fixing his unnerving gaze upon me. “Do you know who I am, Threnody?”
I shuddered at my name.
“Peculiar’s brother?” I offered.
“Oh, she is so clever. So quick! So sharp! I told you she’d figure it out, brother! I told you! I told you!” Peculiar crowed, dancing around on his hooves. Another mare cut through the line of ponies to point her weapon at us. She sneered at him, and I realised she had a particularly nasty deformity on her — oh, crap was that Sweetness?! Peculiar’s wild, grotesque dance blocked my view before I could see if looks really could kill.
“As you surmised, I am Curiosity. The unfortunate sibling of Peculiar, but we all have our burdens to bear, don’t we?” Curiosity said as introduction, pointedly ignoring the sad look upon Peculiar’s face as he stopped mid-frolic. “You are not an easy pony to track down, Threnody. Quite frustrating, really.”
“Well, you’ve got me. Now, what do you want? Hopefully no more creepy dreamland fairgrounds,” I retorted, trying to sound brave. If I could stall them, maybe Hyacinth could get a message to the Wolves and–
“Oh, stalling for time? You think your friends will reach us soon?” Peculiar asked, tossing his head back to let out a hideous laugh. “Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope! That’s not gonna happen! No running away for naughty fillies! You’re gonna come with us! Come home with us so we can play together. Forever!”
“What the hell do you want with the filly?” Solidarity shouted, holding his head high and rubbing his horn as if trying to massage it back into action.
Curiosity looked at Solidarity briefly, the expression on his muzzle one of utter contempt. Like Solidarity was somehow below his notice.
“Her empathic abilities are of great interest to us. She has become the object of my brother’s... fascination.” I didn’t like the way he said that word. It made my skin crawl. “As such, she has attracted the interest of the Family. She may be mildly tainted by a lesser breed but she comes from a unicorn bloodline. She would be a suitable addition to our pursuits for genetic purity.”
“Tainted? You mean because I’m a pegasus you think I’m tainted?” I laughed. “Don’t you idiots understand? I’m a stronger heartmender because I’m a pegasus, not because my mother was a unicorn that couldn’t keep her tail down!”
“So very rude, Threnody. Not nice at all. Not at all! Naughty, naughty filly!” Peculiar chastised me, taking a few steps closer to me and away from the Family’s goons. “We will have to teach you manners. Yes, manners. And then, we will break you. I mean, groom you. To be a good filly. The best! Yes. The best.”
I flared out my wings, trying to make myself look bigger. Bubblegum and Glitter Bomb each took a step forward, standing beside me. It was a futile gesture, even discounting that weird not-unicorn they had, but it still made me feel about a decimeter taller.
“I may be beat to hell, but I’d love to see you try to get at her, you pervy little freak.” Bubblegum growled. “You can’t have her.”
“Ah, is this charming specimen the one you spoke of, Sweetness?” Curiosity asked, tilting his head to the side as he looked Bubblegum up and down. “The one who may be a… well… you know.”
“A what?” Bubblegum shot back with such force that the pale mare, Silvia, stepped protectively in front of Curiosity.
Curiosity dismissively pushed her out of the way.
“Don’t worry about that, brother. What you are or aren’t may be of some consequence later. You just don’t know it yet,” Curiosity said sadly. “However, all of you are free to come with us. We do have a great many questions for all of you. And, oh, so many experiments to try. Don’t you just love science?” he asked, his voice taking on the unhinged edge that plagued his actual brother, the very one that made me pin my ears back.
“I’m not going with you!” I shouted. “Not now, not ever. I don’t want to– to play with Peculiar. I don’t want in on whatever twisted science you’re trying to do. Everything about you is telling me to run like hell. I don’t even know what you did to that poor mare in my dreams…”
“DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT!!!” Peculiar screamed. “You don’t know her! You don’t remember her! DO NOT SPEAK OF HER!!” he screeched.
I felt a frisson of fear run down my spine. Looking back at my friends, even Solidarity seemed spooked by the outburst.
“It might not be in your best interest to stir up dreams, filly,” he drawled sardonically.
Curiosity looked between Solidarity, Peculiar, and I.
“Now that we’ve settled that, I think it’s time that you all come with us. You see–”
An explosion of leaves and a loud roar cut Curiosity off. One of the Family’s goons turned and opened fire as the horrific bear monster that mauled Bubblegum reappeared, barrelling out of the underbrush and onto the road. The creature roared, then carved the unfortunate stallion into four distinct bloody chunks with a slap of its paw.
The Family goons split into groups and opened fire. Horrible pieces of fungus covered meat flew from its split hide but the monster seemed impervious to any lasting injury. Even the automatic rifles the Family had equipped on their battle saddles didn’t faze the beast as it shredded another goon.
Curiosity seemed torn between observing the creature and making sure that we didn’t leave.
“Silvia, if you would see that our guests don’t vanish on us?” he asked, turning to face the growing carnage with an air of disinterest. The pale mare hesitated, then turned her unyielding crimson gaze on us.
I couldn’t care less what weird tricks Curiosity’s pet had up her sleeve to keep us here. I wanted to be as far away from that creature as possible. Who knew what the hell it would do after its hunger was satiated.
“Silvia, that thing’s gonna kill us all, we need to leave!” I shouted at her.
The mare didn’t even blink. Even as another goon was carved to pieces right next to her. She just kept staring at us, not caring about the gore and entrails that splattered over her pale coat. I realised what looked off about her eyes. They were devoid of life. Cold. Alien. What was she? Was she even a pony?
“You will remain,” she stated simply.
“I’ll make you remains!” Bubblegum said, drawing himself up.
In rapid succession, those same faint blue beams shot forth from Silvia’s forehead and struck Bubblegum in each of his legs in turn. He grunted and crumpled to the ground.
“Well, that’s a tad unpleasant,” he said, sounding winded. “It’s like she’s got a ranged cattle prod!”
“Less worrying about freaky magic earth pony, more worrying about giant monster!” Puddle shouted, trying to hide beneath Solidarity.
The Family’s goons opened up the range, trying desperately to corral the creature. Peculiar hid behind his brother. Curiosity shouted orders. The maniac was actually trying to capture the creature! Three more ponies died to it.
I watched in horror as Sweetness teleported behind the creature. Her shotgun roared, scraping off chunks of flesh and fungus that sloughed over her back and sides. White gore-streaked bone shone briefly under the beast’s mangled hide before a black ichor flowed freely over its wound. The creature turned and roared, opening its jaws wide. Sweetness managed a brief scream before teeth snapped over her. The bear-thing flung her airborne and caught her as she fell down, swallowing her whole.
Its replete gurgle sickened far more ponies than just me. Then the beast shuffled to its side and looked straight at me.
“Threnody, help me!” The creature called out in Sweetness’ voice. “Help me!”
Something pulled at my heart and I faltered as I watched the creature stalked forward, its horrible mouth full of writhing fungi.
“Help me! Help! Help! You did this! You caused this! You bitch! Help me!” it called out with Sweetness’ tortured voice.
Solidarity grabbed me around the barrel and pulled me back toward the group. I had been walking toward the creature... What the hell was going on?
“Cover your ears,” he ordered. “She’s gone. Ain’t nopony can help her now.”
“That’s so horrible! How is it doing that!?” Puddle cried, shuddering as all of us, Silvia included, backed away from the slowly advancing creature.
I needed to go to it. To help her. I had to. I had to get to her. Help her! Sweetness couldn’t die because of me!
“Consarnit, kid, quit fightin’ me on this! It’s getting in your head! Yer a heartmender, put your abilities to good use and fight it!” Solidarity ordered.
I was so tired. So tired. Tired…
Puddle grabbed onto my tail and pulled me as well.
Then the monster’s head exploded. Or rather, something exploded on it.
A baleful howl echoed down the road as the sounds of steel-clad hooves thundered toward us. I turned away from the monster and saw a group of ponies in power armour racing down the road toward us. A tall pony in steel ranger armour, their faceplate painted in a horrifically toothy grin, paused and let loose another wailing rocket.
The missile flew true and exploded against the monster’s already gashed, smouldering maw. It reared up on its hind legs, letting out a savage roar. The Wolves howled back, one of the lead ponies opening up with a rapid-fire minigun. The small bullets ripped into the creature’s underbelly, causing it to gush more black ichor and foul-smelling blood.
The Family poured more fire into the monster, adding to the torrent. I drew my plasma defender and opened fire, and Hyacinth’s beam pistol joined the fray. Soon the monstrous creature began backing away slowly from us.
“You’re killing me!” it shouted in Sweetness’ voice. “You bastards! I’ll kill you all! I’ll kill you all for this!”
The creature spun on its hind legs and thundered off into the forest.
A silence settled over the clearing as the Wolves circled up around us.
Curiosity pouted slightly.
“A pity. Such a waste of good genetic material,” he said, shaking his head sadly. “Family, we’re leaving.” He addressed Silvia without even looking at her. “You are hereby surplus to requirements. If you wish to prove yourself otherwise, bring the brown one. Dispose of the rest.”
“No! I won’t go! I won’t leave bringing Threnody home to your stupid toy! I need her!” Peculiar protested. “I need, I need, I nee–” his protest was cut off as he and the rest of the surviving Family members teleported away.
But not Silvia.
She silently regarded the spot where he had disappeared from and went unnaturally still.
We all held our breath, waiting for the strange mare to turn and attack, but no attack came. She just… stood there. After a long, tense moment, the tallest Wolf approached us, their faceplate snapping open.
“Constable, seems you got yourself into a bit of trouble. The Wolves are here to escort you home. What’s the sitrep?” asked the palomino mare.
“One critically injured, one badly injured in need of surgery, Captain Rose. Strong and silent over there did something to my horn that’s making it harder than hell to cast spells. The purple missy’s about burned out her horn, and we could all use some water,” Solidarity drawled his report. “Not sure what to do with that one,” he said, jerking his head toward where Silvia still stood statuesque.
Captain Rose nodded, then turned to her wolves.
“Lettuce Leaf, deploy your stretcher,” she ordered. “Take the critically injured mare on your back. Russett, help this stallion not fall over,” she said.
“I’m fine!” Bubblegum protested, wobbling badly as the Wolves gently took Blackjack’s still form and laid her across Lettuce Leaf’s back.
“Kid, I’m pretty sure you’re not fine with those wobbles,” a stallion’s voice echoed from within the ranger’s armour. “Let me help you at least as far as the Stable, okay?”
“Bubblegum, you’re gonna have to take another Buck here in a few. Just as a precaution,” I added, having a hard time taking my eyes off Blackjack. Her chest rose and fell, but she did little else other than breathe. Somehow, that felt worse than the possibility that she had died.
Puddle pressed a hoof against my side.
“Threnody, what are we gonna do about her?” she asked, pointing to Silvia.
I looked at the motionless mare. She was helpless and alone, but I couldn’t tell why she wouldn’t move. Was she panicking? Was this some sort of anxiety-driven pseudoseizure? I couldn’t feel a thing from anypony, let alone her, and the stress of not feeling anypony’s emotions caused something inside of me to break.
“Why do I have to decide this!?” I shouted back, tears stinging my eyes as they began to run down my cheeks. “All of my decisions so far have been absolutely shitty! Why do I have to do this? What did I do wrong? I don’t want to!”
Puddle stumbled back away from me at my outburst. I felt terrible for yelling at her, but I couldn’t take it. It was too much! Too fucking much for me to handle right now. The monsters. The Family. This stupid forest! Guardian! I couldn’t fucking take it!
“That… wasn’t one of my prouder moments, I’ll admit.”
“Threnody, you’ve… been through a lot. To think that you couldn’t get overwhelmed is… well, quite honestly silly.”
“I still feel bad about it.”
“But you made it safe and sound back to Stable 9. And your friends are recovering, right?”
“Oh… I… I guess? I haven’t spoken to Puddle in two days. Bubblegum got pissed off about getting brought underground, and ended up throwing poor Lancer Russett against a wall before he passed out from his injuries. Though it was kinda funny to watch a Steel Ranger fly. But, Bubblegum, he… needed several hours of surgery. Blackjack is still waiting for hers. I just…
“Sandalwood, I don’t know what to do. I am so tired. I want to cry. I feel like I have lost everything, and nothing is going right! I don’t know what to do! I hate this! I hate everything!”
“Threnody, honey. That’s what these talks are for. To let you be upset. You’ve been through a lot. You all have. Not being able to cope with it is normal.”
“But I’m a heartmender!”
“To be blunt, Threnody, you’re a traumatised filly who happens to be a heartmender. And you’ve just been through a lot. No bullshit, sweetheart, you are handling this better than some adults I know, but this is still going to hurt. It is going to… suck, as I believe you’ve put it before.”
“S– something like th– that…”
“Threnody. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel sad and to feel bad about what has happened. But this? None of this was your fault. Things bigger than you are going on, and that is not your fault. I can’t emphasise that enough to you, honey. I wish Slate and I were there for you, and we’re working on finding a way to get to you. But until the threat of the Family has subsided, I think it’s best that you stay in Stable 9 and rest. Take care of yourself. You can worry about your friends when you are ready to handle their feelings as well. And not a moment before, okay?”
“I… I can try that, Sandalwood. That’s… really all I can do right now. Try.”
“And we won’t ask anything more of you. Though, when you’re feeling better, if you could make some recordings for us about the Stable, that would be lovely. But only when you’re ready.”
“Only when I’m ready. Got it.”
“Threnody, Slate sends his love. He’s very worried about you, and wants to talk to you tomorrow around this time. Is that okay?”
“Y– yeah. I’ll talk to him.”
“Take care, Threnody.”
“You too, Sandalwood.”
I miss you and Slate terribly. Please come save me...
Stable 9 is a wasteland community of nearly 5500 creatures nestled beneath scenic Mt. Hoof. These are their problems.
“Well, the little ball of anxiety-that-could was supposed to be the one doing this investigation thing here, but she’s locked herself up in her room for the moment. In a sense, she did foist that can o' worms upon my sorry periwinkle butt and it could be argued I owe her on account of recent misdeeds. So, my guess is the Followers wanted some info on Stable 9, so they could kinda figure what sort of fucked-up we're dealing with. I mean, come on, it’s a stable. There’s always fuckery about,” Bubblegum said into the small recording device connected to his pipbuck.
“Not to say that there can’t be good Stables,” he continued, pacing back and forth in his room. “But luck bein’ what it is I ain’t ever been near one that didn’t have some sort of goddess-fucked experiment going on. So, anyway, I guess I’ll start off by saying that Stable 9 is a wasteland community of nearly 5500 creatures, all nestled beneath the very tall and dense Mount Hoof. These are their problems.”
Bubblegum on having Earth Ponies, Pegasi, Unicorns, Nocturnals, Griffins, Deer, Buffalo, and Zebras all living under the same stony roof.
“Just about everything that lives in Equestria not desirin' ‘ta bite your face off by means of sayin’ ‘hello’ is just wanderin' around here. Real utopia, as they say. Some folks back in the days of the war might've been upset at such an array of critters uh... mixing. But, the only time it really makes me take a second gander is when you see one'a them big buffalo fellas lumberin' 'round with a cute lil’ deer marefriend.”
“Ain't nothin' wrong with that, other than, well... I’m reminded of the log splittin’ equipment I saw in a little town I breezed through not long ago, and bein' a fella of particular size m'self, I reckon that she's probably spent more time in the med bay than workin' since they got together, 'less she's tougher than I am. Buncha cute little hybrid fillies and colts runnin' round, tho’, so I know the doc's at least good at what he does. When he's not starin' at my flank, that is. Frankly, I'm still not sure how I feel 'bout that.”
Bubblegum on limited gene pools.
“Still, even with all the, uh, variety down here, the gene pool’s more like a gene puddle. After a century or two, the family trees are liable to stop forkin', if you catch my drift. The ex-rangers comin' in from outside definitely helped a bit, but there still ain't all that many completely unrelated folks wanderin' about in here. I decided to conduct an experiment and ask folks if they've ever uh... 'kissed' their family. In some cases, the answers were interestin' because Stable 9 still has that good ol' four-to-one ratio of fillies to colts. Bein' a red-blooded young stallion like m'self means that the thought of some pretty fillies kissin' each other is certainly catchin’ my attention. On the other hoof, the number of folks that said they had 'accidentally kissed' or 'experimented' with their kin was high enough that I think it's harder to find folks who hadn't rather than folks that had. I'm not really sure how I feel 'bout that.”
Bubblegum on the Steel Wolves
“Here we have some ex-Rangers that joined up with the folks in these parts for reasons as yet unclear. Unfortunate most of 'em are about as sharp as a bag of hammers and tough as ten-ply. They didn't enjoy when I let myself join in their sparring, seeing as how I whupped the lot of 'em pretty good. Luckily, they've got their big tin cans to wear. Pretty impressive armor, but it's a shame they won't let me have a go with it. In fact, some of 'em looked downright scared when I asked. Then they told me to go talk to 'The Old Lady.' Their commander's a whole different animal. Tougher than a pre-war battleship and just as likely to throw you through a wall as look at ya. When I asked her about the armor she gave me a glare that sent a chill down my spine, and told me no.
I'll be damned if it didn't also give my willy a bit of a wiggle. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.”
Bubblegum on blueberry pancakes and marionberry pie from the Stable Canteen.
“Never heard of a marionberry before. Only ever had dried blueberries from old ration packs back in the day. It's impressive that these folks have some sorta farmin' setup that lets 'em get fresh stuff for eatin'. Some of what they've done here’s still a travesty. First off, I dunno what a 'pie' is supposed to be. Some kinda half-liquid, runny cake, I guess. But then you start adding these weird-colored berries into the mix, and a pleasant dinner with the school folks becomes somethin' out of an old horror show. I'm supposed to be periwinkle through and through, not covered in odd-colored splotches because the foals get too rambunctious. Stuff stains, too.”
“And don't even get me started on the pancakes. I love pancakes, 'specially when you can find something like chocolate candy or toffee bits or somethin' to throw in 'em. But to take a perfectly good, fluffy pancake and ruin it with spots of gummy, different-tastin', weird-textured fruit? I'm pretty sure that's the kinda shit that got ya lobotomised pre-war. I keep askin’ just for what I’m used to but the cute waitress mare that works the cafeteria keeps on that they'll find somethin' I'll like before we go. She got this real weird look in her eyes when she said it too, and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.”
Bubblegum on putting a library in a tree.
“A library in a tree? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for readin', since it's hard to find folks familiar with some of the less survival-oriented skills out in the wastes. But somethin' about that just seems weird. It's like... Stuffin' a tree with the processed remnants of a forest. Somewhat irreverent, y'know? Hell, I don't know. Maybe I can get the librarian to explain it to me, she seems like a smart pony. Still, a giant lump o’ wood, livin’ or not, stuffed with what amounts to kindlin’ when all’s said and done? Definitely a fire hazard, when you get right down to it. And since the Wolves like playing with high explosives, goodness knows that a bored youngster can cause spectacular disasters when left unattended. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.”
Bubblegum on batponies.
“So I was talkin' shop with one of the Wolf gunsmiths the other day... When all the sudden I got barraged by a torrent of some real high-pitched noises. When I finally thought to look up, which took a second, I find the strangest little things hangin' from the roof squeakin' at me. Apparently at some point in the past, a group of ponies got a lil’ too friendly with some bats and the result likes mangos. Fuzzy ears, slit-pupiled eyes, fangs, and big ol' leathery wings. When you get right down to it they're actually pretty cute, with their lil’ ear tufts flicking around like they do. Apparently they're real sensitive, and I didn't know that. I accidentally brushed one of them ears on one of the bat colts from the school. The lil’ guy’s probably almost my age but real small, and he made some real weird noises, blushed, and ran off. I tried to apologize but now he's eyein' my flank whenever he thinks I'm not lookin', and honestly I'm not real sure how I feel about that.”
Bubblegum on a formal school system in Stable 9
“So folks apparently get to do their learnin' in this nice, clean area where a pretty teacher mare stands and tells you what you oughta know by that age for a few hours. I... don't understand anything about it. I learned everything by the skin of my teeth and nearly dyin' for it. But here, they all just sit at desks and stare at a chalkboard. Doesn't seem like it'd work out too well when you add bullets or real life into the mix, but these folks seem to swear by it. I'm learnin' to read for the first time, though, so I s’pose it ain't all bad. Plus, all the fillies like to play with my mane and it makes me happy seein' them enjoyin' themselves. I'm the special guest at every tea party, too. Some of the colts thought that I was 'too girly' to play dodgeball with 'em. I taught ‘em the error of their ways. Only one of 'em needed to go see the doc, and that was an accident. I swear. Though... Every time I'm sittin' around havin' tea with the fillies, some of the stable moms keep giving me moon eyes and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.”
Bubblegum on Cerynerkiderkians, Ceurvodarians, Cervi-FUCK IT! Deer!
“Cervo-whachimacallem... Deer. In a word, adorable. Lil’ tiny tails that leave nothin' to the imagination and the mares... Or, uh.. Does, I s’pose. Are the sweetest little things I've ever seen in the wasteland. Mind ya, the pegasus shaped ball of neuroticism freaks out at seein’ ‘em. Somethin’ about Guardian or something. Anyway, the bucks, on the other hand, oughta have some sorta warning lights when they go walkin' around on account of their horns bein' s'damn big. They'll take yer damn eye out if yer not careful. It's sure fun to watch'm try and fit through doors, though. And two of 'em can't fit through at the same time, and some even make an issue of it, too, so sometimes you can see a bit of a traffic jam as they arrange themselves to a single file, nevermind the argument at the threshold. That just makes a big tripping hazard in the event of an emergency, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.”
Bubblegum on the resonance frequency of Stable Bathrooms.
“Now, let’s be honest with ourselves. Everypony who eats has got to make sure the leftovers go somewhere, and I’ll be damned if they don’t make the stable bathrooms cleaner’n most hospitals I’ve been to. But the one thing about the construction here is that it’s a bit… cramped for a colt of my stature. Not to mention the fact that I’ve somehow, through tricks o’ biology not my own fault, managed to find some mechanical problems with the stalls themselves. I let it rip one day after some particularly bad dietary choices, and I’ll be damned if the walls didn’t shake sensually in the process. I weren’t the only one, neither. There’s nothing good that comes when the earthquake alarm goes off just cause your therapy horse got into the oatmeal cookies again. Course, learning that oatmeal gave the anxiety pegasus jet propulsion weren’t something I needed to know, nor that when she takes off, the bathroom walls can’t tell the difference in tone of her from yours truly, so I’m not sure how I feel about that.”
I let out a long sigh as the tape clicked off. I closed my eyes, and counted to ten before looking up at Bubblegum.
“This… um. Well…” I started, before frowning. “This is completely fucking useless, Bubblegum. This doesn’t tell the other Heartmenders anything! Except that you don’t know what you feel about… fucking anything! And the stable doesn’t have a four-to-one gender ratio, all the stallions were out helping at Hoof River! And did you have to bring up the oatmeal cookie incident?”
“Look, that was hilarious. And what was I supposed to do? You weren’t exactly available to give instructions. Fucking... anyway! This was supposed to be your job, Threnody,” Bubblegum shot back.
“I… and what the hell was up with your accent?! You never talk like that!” I asked, glaring up at the periwinkle menace that dared bother me this afternoon.
Bubblegum just quirked up an eyebrow.
“Look, you asked me to do somethin’ I don’t get how to do. Wish you weren’t so fuckin’ awkward, bud. If’n’y’all’d’ve wanted somethin’ done right, maybe you shoulda done it your fine self,” he said, before flouncing - flouncing - out of my room.
I regretted leaving my plasma defender with Solidarity in the Stable’s armoury. I wanted to give his perfectly sculpted ass a new hole.
Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons - Speak Chapter 20: Hast Thou Considered the Eohippus?
It hurts, doesn’t it? To sit alone in the dark, fitting a ragged thread through the needle of self-love and sewing closed your own wounds, hiding all the silent cries within those darkness-enclosed walls.
I don’t blame you for fearing the light that friendship brings, laying bare all the myriad scars that crisscross your soul. But here’s the thing: at least you don’t burn alone in that light.
There is a certain nobility in lying in bed all day pretending things aren't the way they are. Or so I told myself on my eighth day of doing so in Stable 9. Alas, when some malicious bastard decided to rudely open my door – interrupting the beautifully depressing gloom of brooding I’d fostered with the searing glare of the Stable's day lighting – I was less than enthused by the visit.
“Go away!” I ordered, desperately burying myself in the tenebrific shadows of my borrowed blanket and pillow.
“Come on, Threnody. You’re not the only pony with issues. Don’t you want to come fix someone?” Bubblegum’s grating tenor called from the doorway.
“No! I don’t! Go away, Bubblegum!” I shouted back, significantly muffled by the blessedly thick blanket over my head.
“Moooooooom~” Bubblegum whined. “She’s being all angsty and mopey again!”
“Again?” the soft mezzo-soprano of Rhiannon’s voice lilted in through the open door.
I realised I had a choice to make. I could either let Bubblegum enumerate all of my dark secrets to the heartmender I’d been avoiding for the past week, or I could suck it up and deal with my crap. I decided that I’d rather not have Bubblegum garble an attempt to explain my own stupid. I stuck my head out from beneath the safety of my blanket.
“Bubblegum, shut up. Fine! I’m coming out!” I groaned, completing a few rounds of depression yoga in the process. I flopped to one side, then to the other, then gracelessly fell off of the bed. I eventually used my hind legs to scoot on my chest toward the door. “Rhiannon, fancy seeing you here!” I said, struggling to add cheer to my voice.
From the looks on Bubblegum and Rhiannon’s faces – the only way I could reliably get a read on ponies anymore – they were utterly unconvinced by my attempts to look normal. Or… well, as normal as a pony can look when they’re trying to do their best slug impression.
Rhiannon sighed when she met my eyes – I snapped my glance away to avoid any more judgment upon my pathetic state of being.
“Threnody, I think I owe you an apology,” she started, diverting my attention enough that I bothered to use my forelegs to lift my carcass to my full and less-than-impressive height. “I thought you might just need some time alone to process but... all you’ve been doing is wallowing.”
“No, I haven’t!” I shot back, probably sounding like the world’s crankiest, angstiest fourteen-year-old.
The crangstiest ever.
I shot Bubblegum a glare as he snickered at me.
Rhiannon shook her head before continuing, “And yet you’ve only come out of your room to speak to Sandalwood or Slate on the broadcaster, and even more rarely to eat.” She gave me a look that fell somewhere in between pity and disappointment. “And you’ve been avoiding me.”
My ears wilted. That… part may have been accurate.
“So, we’re gonna try something different,” she said, before bobbing her head toward my room. “You’re going to stay with me. And tomorrow, I want you to start attending the Stable’s school. Just for a little while.”
I grit my teeth, trying to find the urge to be defiant, but… after everything that had happened, I just couldn’t.
“Fine, whatever,” I muttered lamely, prompting Bubblegum's eyebrow to rise.
“What, all snarked out already?” he asked, and I shot him what I knew was far short of a quelling glare. “Holy shit. You are all kinds of fucked-up right now.” He turned to Rhiannon. “Yeah, uh, I think it’s a good thing she’s staying with you, miss.”
Damnit, now even the periwinkle prick sounded worried.
“And thank you for bringing this to my attention, Bubblegum,” Rhiannon said, before glancing at me with a smile. I searched her face for something more sinister than kindness, but only found patience. “Gather your things please, Threnody. I’d like to spend the day with you.”
I swivelled and slowly plodded through my room, and pulling what little I had together. It didn’t take long. All I’d done was shed the armour Blackjack had made for me, and dropped my saddlebags next to my bed.
Blackjack...
Collecting my armour and saddlebags, I trotted out the door, to find Bubblegum looking sheepish.
“Oh, uh… well, n-not that the book learning isn’t cool and all that, Miss Rhiannon, but I… think I’m gonna go hang out with the Wolves today,” he said, scratching the back of his head.
The bay and white painted earth pony frowned disapprovingly. “Bubblegum, I really would prefer if you joined Glitter and Puddle Splasher at school.”
Bubblegum sighed. “Ma’am, look, I’m… really not cut out for that crap. It’s an enclosed space. I’m too big for the desk, and honestly? I feel stupid learning to read better at fifteen. I can do numbers well enough, and it’s not like most of the wasteland is literate anyways. Not to mention that I’m basically a half-tamed raider. Would you want that kind of riff-raff around your kids?”
“I think I’m hearing a lot of excuses covering up another reason entirely,” Rhiannon said, shaking her head. “However, I also think some days it’s good for young ponies to take a break. And you did work very hard last week to fit in here. Alright Bubblegum, go spend time with Captain Pacific Rose and the other Wolves. But I would like you back in class tomorrow. If Threnody has to be there, so do you.”
Bubblegum nodded before giving me a cocky salute, then bolted down the corridor toward the Atrium.
Rhiannon sighed softly, then looked down at me.
“Come along,” she said quietly, before leading me deeper into the Stable.
I’d learned the first day that I stayed in Stable 9 that it had been carved into the lava dome of an extinct volcano. The volcanic soil around the Stable had been especially fertile before the war’s end, and as the cavern was hollowed out and reinforced, it was brought in by the tonne to create a base for the fields. Massive sunlight imitating talismans were installed in the ceiling, warming my face as the light spilled over sprawling, picturesque fields. Old world corn, wheat, carrots, and oats grew beneath the cavern lights.
It felt like I was standing under a beautiful wasteland day, but without the ‘Wasteland’ part. It was a strange feeling to have.
Once upon a time, I had thought that the fields of Elysium were the most beautiful sight I’d seen in the wasteland, but they paled in the light of this capsule-world, shielded from the outside by a steel-reinforced dome of solid granite. Acres of fields, flowers, and carefully tended trees and bushes grew within Stable 9. Two hundred years of care kept the fields in their original, untainted state.
The instant I laid eyes on them, I knew this was what the world was supposed to look like. Green grass, golden fields, and… well, the actual sun would be nice instead of lights on a ceiling about two hundred metres above me, but it felt… right.
Rhiannon led me along a path that wandered through the apple orchard. She shot me a cheeky grin, then lightly bucked one of the trees, causing a pair of apples to drop. She balanced her apple on her head as she trotted ahead. I stared down at the apple. I… I didn’t know they could be so full of colour and taste. A rich, lustrous red with beautiful yellow bands, and so, so deliciously sweet.
She didn’t say anything as we walked. Somehow, I liked that. I still couldn’t feel anypony around me, but Rhiannon’s silence wasn’t unwelcome. She would give me a glance every now and then to make sure I was following, but left any words other ponies would have polluted the calm with blissfully unspoken. I suddenly worried about what sort of emotional energy I was giving off. The instant the thoughts and feelings of concern flitted off, she turned back to me. She offered nothing but a gentle smile.
Content that I didn’t need to worry too much about what sort of emotional wreck I was, I enjoyed the walk. The apple trees gave way to a wide lane that ended with the most interesting home I had ever seen.
The entire structure had been shaped out of interwoven lilac bushes. I’d only ever seen lilacs in the rare, faded picture books I’d found back when I was a filly, and nothing prepared me for the soft smell of the pretty purple and white flowers. It almost appeared as if the entire home had been grown from a single massive lilac plant.
As Rhiannon opened the door for me, I saw that ‘grown’ was the right word for it. The woody branches of the lilac bushes themselves had been carefully shaped into walls, growing thickly enough to support furniture and decorations like picture frames and small tapestries.
I didn’t know what I expected when Rhiannon told me I’d be staying with her, but I sure didn’t expect her home to be so… homey. In stark contrast to Sandalwood’s minimalist order with little homey touches, Rhiannon’s home was covered in pillows, books, and blankets. I wasn’t sure where they came from, but they made the home feel more welcoming. It also appeared that somepony in the Stable’s history or in their time trading with the Wasteland had sheared some sort of animal to weave an extraordinarily soft carpet. It felt lovely on my hooves as I stepped into the older heartmender’s home.
“You know, it’s a good thing that the Cervyderian plant shapers made the Overmare’s home with two bedrooms. I may have been an only child, but I was so glad to have a room to myself when I was growing up,” Rhiannon said softly as she opened one of the three inner doors in her home. “It’s a little small, but…” She trailed off and shrugged. “It’s all I have right now.”
Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at the small room. A beautiful blue and white quilt covered a filly-sized bed. Stacked up on a small pile of pillows were soft stuffed animals – a teddy bear, a few small stuffed ponies... Two versions caught my eyes: Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. I staggered over to the bed, pulled Scootaloo out from my saddlebags, and collapsed onto the bed in a heap of tears.
Rhiannon let out an alarmed whinny before rushing over to my side. She sat down next to the bed, hesitating a moment before she lightly touched my shoulder. She removed the offending hoof like she’d touched a hot plate as I flinched away from her.
I didn’t even know why I was crying. Everything within me hurt, and being shown a bit of kindness was enough to break the dam that had held back so many hurts for so long.
A gentle hoof just barely grazed my mane as Rhiannon whispered softly to me. Even the bare touch burned like the sun’s fire along my back, but I had been so starved of touch, any kind of contact, I pressed my head into those gentle strokes despite my desire to run and hide.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Rhiannon said, running her hoof down the back of my head. “Honey, this is exactly what I wanted you to do.”
“I‘m sorry!” I sobbed, sniffing fiercely as I tried to stop myself from being all snotty and gross.
I was probably a rather disgusting mess of a pony. I didn’t know how Rhiannon could stand to be so close to me. I hadn’t bathed in over a week, and now I was all wet, snotty, and stinky. Not only was I the lumpiest tato, I was a rotten one, too.
“Threnody, I brought you into my home to help you. To give you the space to heal. I am so, so very sorry I left you alone earlier. I wanted to respect you as a heartmender, but I should have cared for you as a pony,” she replied, pulling a handkerchief from her saddlebags. She lightly wiped my tears away. “That was my mistake, honey, and I should have known better.”
I frowned at her through tears. “Isn’t there enough guilt in the world? You don’t need to go grabbing for more,” I replied, too late to catch the hypocrisy in my words.
Rhiannon let out a soft laugh, then offered me the handkerchief to blow my nose.
“I… think you may be right there. Even if I somehow doubt that you quite listen to your own advice on occasion,” she teased. But it wasn’t a harsh teasing, like what I might get from Bubblegum. Just a soft rib at what I knew to be true.
I blew my nose in the offered handkerchief, then nodded.
“So, would you like to tell me what my stuffed animals did to make you cry?” Rhiannon asked.
I turned back to the bed, and gently placed Scootaloo next to… to her friends.
“I… you know who the Cutie Mark Crusaders were, right?” I asked, my lower lip quivering.
Rhiannon nodded. “Yeah. Very important mares. They tried their best to stop all the madness that set the world ablaze. As I understand it, only one of them survived the end of the war?”
I nodded, feeling tears welling up in my eyes again.
“I just… I looked at Applebloom and Sweetie Belle, and I’ve… I’ve had Scootaloo with me all this time, and I just… She’d been separated from her friends for so long that I-I…”
My words failed me as fresh tears began to fall.
“You hated to see them without each other, is that right?” Rhiannon asked, moving to sit on the bed. She patted the bed beside her.
I nodded as I wiggled closer to Rhiannon’s side, messing up the neatly made quilt. I gathered up all three stuffed ponies in my forelegs and squeezed them tight. I couldn’t get my tongue to work – it was doing its best to be solid lead.
Rhiannon lay down across the bed to meet me at eye level.
“I can’t help but wonder if it’s not just because you empathise with them,” she asked, quirking an eyebrow at me. “But because you also are feeling a little bit alone?”
I sniffled pathetically at her, then nodded.
The truth was that I hurt all over and felt like everything that had happened in the Red Forest was my fault. Bubblegum nearly dying. Blackjack being in a coma. Puddle’s… whatever the fuck happened with Puddle. Did I even deserve my friends? I just… maybe I was supposed to be lonely. When I tried to make friends, all that happened was they got hurt, and so did I.
Rhiannon waited patiently for me. Damn her. She let me sniffle and swallow and try to get my tongue moving again.
“Yeah…” I finally said after a few minutes of fighting my stubborn tongue. “I just…” I swept my wing across the bed in a vague gesture. “Everything!”
Rhiannon surprised me with a soft snort of laughter. I looked up at her, a bit hurt – it almost seemed like she was laughing at me. But she waved her hoof.
“I’m sorry, Threnody. I’m not laughing at you. You just… very succinctly summed up how you were feeling without using any ‘feelings’ words at all. It was a little funny, but I also understand how painful that must feel to have the weight of the world on your back,” she said, looking down at the trio of stuffed mares in my forelegs. “I spoke with Sandalwood and Heartshine. I wanted to have you stay with me so you could have the space to cry, to feel your own feelings for a while, and… if need be, to say that the problem is ‘everything,’ like you just did.”
I buried my face in Scootaloo’s mane to try to hide my tears. It felt wrong to be treated like somepony special, but at the same time… the individual attention from Rhiannon felt... I didn’t have a word for it, but some small, deep part of me knew I needed it, whether or not I deserved it. And while a part of my heart scourged itself for accepting her kindness, I looked up into the painted mare’s pretty blue eyes, and let myself accept it for a moment. Even if it was just a moment.
She smiled back at me.
“Okay, we have to work on getting you to speak, though,” she said, lightly running her hoof over my mane.
I wasn’t sure how she was doing it, because I could tell she was making sure that I felt the motion, but not enough that it made me freak out in my normal ‘oh goddesses, I hate being touched’ sort of way. It was still enough to soothe the small, quietly screaming, touch-starved part of me a little bit.
“How long have you been struggling with not being able to talk, Threnody? And I don’t mean about the small stuff, I mean really speaking. About you, about how you feel, and what you want,” Rhiannon asked as she got off the bed.
I reluctantly set the crusader plushies down, mulling for an answer.
“Um… almost all my life?” I admitted. “I… am not good at expressing myself.”
Rhiannon winced. It was only a slight tension around her eyes, but I saw it.
“I see,” she said softly. “Well, then that may be something you may struggle with for the rest of your life. I know that probably hurts sometimes, not being able to fully speak your mind when you want to.”
I swallowed, trying hard to not start crying again. I found myself regretting my choice to listen to the voice that said ‘maybe a little kindness for a lumpy tato isn’t a bad thing,’ but I soldiered on in spite of that regret.
“I mean, it’s… not like I haven’t had to deal with it for fourteen years already. What’s another twenty?” I asked, trying to smile.
Rhiannon gave me a puzzled look.
“That would have you dying at thirty-four, Threnody. That’s… still pretty young. Even considering the dangers of the wasteland,” she said, concern colouring her soft voice. “Why do you think you’ll only live that long?”
“Don’t heartmenders usually die young?” I shot back without meaning to. An ugly fire filled my voice as I continued, “I figured the pain and suffering of the wasteland end up killing us before our time. Downside of being empaths.”
Rhiannon frowned. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again.“Whyever did you think that, Threnody?” she asked.
“Don’t pretend that isn’t how it is!” I snapped. “That we’re just around to be used, to help others, hurt for them, and then we end up dying young so you don’t…” Don’t keep hurting. I sighed as I tried to bottle up that anger that threatened to spill all over. “Why am I even talking to you about this?” I asked sotto voce. “What are you doing to me that makes me talk to you?”
Rhiannon weathered my storm of words quite well, all things considered. She simply raised an eyebrow before replying.
“I haven’t done anything to you, honey. All I did was tell you to come with me and ask you why you were crying. Everything you’ve chosen to tell me has been because of you. Because you wanted to, even if right now, some part of you is trying to shelter yourself from that truth.”
A part of me wanted to fight her on that. To tell this big dumb earth pony that I wasn’t a stupid little filly and could handle things myself. To tell her that Heartmenders could handle their own shit, and fuck her for trying to make me do that with her.
But that part of me deflated as I realised a stark difference between how Rhiannon was treating me, and how other every other adult had treated me so far: I was a pony to her. Just… a pony in pain. Not a heartmender. Not a child. Not some prodigy wasteland hero who got her friends killed and maimed.
Just a pony who was badly hurting.
My indignation deserted me as I sunk to the soft, lilac scented quilt. I wanted to lay down like a lump and pretend that everything wasn’t the way it was, but that wouldn’t change anything.
Rhiannon lay down beside me, looking me in the eyes.
“I’m not good at this,” I admitted after she gave me my space to find my words. “I’m sorry. You’re probably right.”
Rhiannon hummed softly before responding, “I may be, but in other ways, so are you. I am glad that you’re willing to question why you’re talking to me. I am honoured that you opened up earlier. I also know that, sometimes, we ponies open up because it feels like we’ll go supernova if we don’t say something.” She sighed. “We’re all star stuff, Threnody. We’re all connected in harmony and friendship, and through that, we connect to the world around us. Sometimes the hardest part about being a part of the universe made manifest is that we’re still trying to figure ourselves out. And learning that we can’t do it alone.
“Because we really can’t, Threnody,” she continued, holding her hoof out to me. “But I am willing to try to help you walk with the herd, and not alone by yourself. How does that sound?”
I wasn’t sure how that sounded, really. A little silly, maybe? Even foolish, to rely on other ponies...
I took her hoof anyway.
Rhiannon and I sat down once I’d used her lovely shower to affect the appearance of a functioning pony. She then laid out a few rules, several of which carried the distinct whiff of Sandalwood’s influence and meddling over my life. I had to eat at least three meals a day while in the Stable. And I had to attend classes at Stable 9’s school.
Reluctantly, I agreed to them.
Attending school was silly. I was fourteen for Luna’s sake! By wasteland standards, I was middle-aged! I had been heartmending since I was eight, and I’d grown up in a well-furnished library, a rarity in the wastes! I’d been reading anything I could get my hooves on for as long as I could remember! Still, Rhiannon insisted that, because Stable 9’s school taught the Elements of Harmony, maybe I might just find something useful there after all.
So! I found myself dressed in a new set of Stable 9 barding at a goddess-cursed ten in the morning with my saddlebags only packed with a few notebooks and pens. After lugging around the medical supplies for our journey north, my saddlebags felt almost empty on my flanks.
I opened the door to the Lilac House, bidding Rhiannon a farewell in the process, and nearly ran into Puddle.
“Threnody!” she exclaimed, squeezing me tightly.
“Ack! Puddle! Pega can’t breathe!” I choked and charred in her embrace. She released me before I passed out. I wasn’t sure if I should be grateful for not, considering that a trip to the medical clinic would have definitely gotten me out of this silly school thing.
“Sorry! I was just… I haven’t seen you in a week, and I’ve been really worried about you!” Puddle said in her honest and sweet way. “I got a little excited.”
“Hey, Thren! At least Puddle didn’t like, pee on you,” Bubblegum muttered from where he stood behind Puddle, drawing my attention to him. He wore a Stable barding, as did Glitter Bomb. The handsome oaf and my beautiful friend stood next to each other as they waited in front of Rhiannon’s door. “So there’s that.”
“I’ve never peed on anypony because I was excited!” Puddle shouted back, pouting at Bubblegum. “That’s mean!”
“Just saying. It’s always a possibility.”
Glitter looked back and forth between the two goofy earth ponies before shrugging.
“Are you feeling better, Threnody?” she asked. “I got all worried up.”
I wasn’t in the mood to lie, so I shrugged instead.
“I’m… eh,” I admitted, getting a trio of surprised looks. I glared at them all. “What? It’s the truth. I just… ‘Eh’ is my general mood right now. I don’t really have good words for it.”
Bubblegum leaned down to my level, staring me in the eyes.
“What?” I asked, batting at his face with my wing.
“Trying to see if you’re high,” he admitted.
“What the fuck, Bubblegum!?” I shouted, fluttering back and away from him. “Why the fuck would you ask me that!?”
“What? You’re the one being fucking weird. Suddenly you’re all ‘I can settle on one mood’ as opposed to being all cryptic and shit,” he shot back. “I wasn’t sure if like, Rhiannon slipped you some of that herb or something.”
Oh boy. This whole school thing was getting off to a swimming start.
“I’m not on any drugs. Glitter asked me a question and I gave her an honest answer.” I growled. “Shouldn’t we get going? I don’t want to be late on my first day!” I looked over at Puddle and Glitter, both of whom looked worried, and let out a sigh. “Sorry, I just… didn’t think it was a funny joke,” I muttered.
Bubblegum looked away from me, a little uncomfortable. “I, uh… Fuck. Yeah, sorry. I… didn’t think of it that way,” he said.
I bit my tongue to avoid shouting at him about the fact that Blackjack was still in a medically induced coma because of his stupid ass.
“We should get going though,” Glitter said after an awkward pause. “I think we are making Mac and Ronnie art today! I don’t want to miss that!”
Bubblegum mouthed ‘macaroni’ to me and I nodded along.
“Wait, we’re doing art?” I asked, confused. “I thought we were learning things.”
“Oh! Bubblegum and Glitter are in different classes than you and I, Threnody,” Puddle explained as she started to trot down the lane toward the Stable’s Atrium. “You and I are in classes that are like, at our grade. Bubblegum will join us for math and history, but…” She trailed off awkwardly.
“Me am not read goodly,” Bubblegum added, his voice thick with self-deprecation. “So I get to hang out with the younger foals as I try to learn to be less dumb.”
“No one said you were dumb, Bubblegum!” Puddle cried. “You just didn’t need to learn to read. You’ve probably survived things that half the Stable wouldn’t even know how to handle. That’s just… not what school teaches. And you seemed to like the Harmony lessons!”
“I fell asleep.”
“Oh...” Puddle’s face fell. “Well, um… you liked physical education!”
“Oh, yeah!” Bubblegum lit up. “What did you call that game? Hitting balls?”
“Dodgeball!” Puddle added helpfully.
“Yeah, that! That was awesome. Right up until I got yelled at for whipping the ball hard enough at… oh, what was that little shit’s name?”
Puddle Splasher snorted. “Oh, Obsidian Flare?”
“Yeah, that kid. He deserved that hit. Fucker kept shit-talking my mane. Though, I didn’t think a rubber ball could bruise ribs! But when he took that scorcher to the pills, oh… that sound he made will make me smile for a good week at least.”
I suddenly had concerns about what this ‘physical education’ entailed if it left colts with bruised ribs and… other pieces of anatomy.
“To be fair,” Puddle said, clearly trying to not giggle. “Obsidian can be a bit of a butthead. So you giving him a couple of solid hits might do him some good. Deflate that over-enlarged ego of his.”
“Maybe it’s better if you play nice games, Bubbles,” Glitter said, nudging the colt’s shoulder with her muzzle. “The fillies in my kinder-guarding class liked it when you let them brush and style your mane.”
I quirked an eyebrow at Bubblegum as his cheeks took on a particularly ruddy hue.
“Ah, mane-braiding is it?” I teased, trotting closer to the big brute.
“Look, it feels nice, okay? And they are all so small. I was afraid that they’d do the sad face thing you fillies do that makes us colts feel like we’re losing our stallionhood,” he muttered, pointedly looking anywhere but at me. “Anyways, this is where we part ways.”
I looked up, and realised I’d been so focused on my friends as I followed them through the fields that I’d missed the views of the walk. I almost felt cheated out of something I enjoyed.
Puddle and I bid Bubblegum and Glitter goodbye as they headed into the ‘primary school wing,’ as labelled by the helpful sign in the Atrium. Puddle and I made our way up the stairs to the ‘high school section.’ Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. I supposed that, because it was on the Stable’s second floor, it was higher than the ‘primary school?’
I wasn’t sure what to expect, because most of my knowledge was either self-taught or gleaned from whatever books I could lay my hooves on, and the wasteland towns I’d lived in didn’t exactly have schools, per se. They may have had one pony who taught younger ones a few things, but the rest was either up to parents or, well, one’s own dogged determination! What was a school supposed to be like anyway?
A somewhat bewildering array of ponies, cervyderians, zebras, and young buffalos milled about in the hallways that led to various classrooms. I knew that the Stable had a sizeable population, but there had to be at least a hundred creatures here, and it was just the kids!
In an instant, I felt incredibly alone. Puddle was beside me, but I didn’t know anyone else. I didn’t know their names, what they liked, or disliked. Was I even supposed to know these things? I knew how to be a heartmender, but… this felt weird. I normally had much more control over how I met creatures, but this was chaos! I had to act like I was just another pony. Or zebra. Or… whatever else my classmates would be. I was stuck in this hellvoid of Equestrian life, and I didn’t know where to fit at all.
Puddle tugged on the sleeve of my new barding.
“Come on!” she said. “We’re in classroom 204. It’s this way!” When I didn’t move, she moved behind me, and started pushing my clueless butt down the hallway.
Classroom 204, as it turned out, was arranged for about twenty students. There was something distinctly uncomfortable about walking into a room with that many teenaged creatures and realising you knew exactly one of them...
Or maybe not. An effeminate, blond-maned pegasus colt started as Puddle shoved me into the classroom, and made his way over to us. For the damndest reason, I felt like I knew his name.
“W-we’re not actually going to grab you, though. At least not, like, physically. That’d be rude! Just, um… maybe go by the canteen later for snacks?”
Why was I remembering that?
“H-hey Puddle! Who’s this?” the teal-coated colt asked.
“Morning Balmy, this is Threnody!” Puddle said, introducing me. “Threnody, this is-”
“Balmy Breeze,” he said, giving me a shy smile. “Thank you for getting Puddle home safely!”
I bit my lip, unsure of what to say. I was pretty sure that there were several other ponies far more responsible for that than I was!
“It’s nice to meet you,” I said, surely sounding like the most lame thing on the planet. Goddesses, I wish I wasn’t so awkward…
A flash of green appeared next to me, causing me to yelp.
“Emerald, you’ve scared her half to death!” Puddle chided the green coated unicorn that teleported next to me.
“Eh, she looks fine. I’m sure the Red Forest was worse.” Emerald replied. I wanted to sink down into the floor and disappear at the mention of the cursed place, and it must have shown because the haughty filly’s face fell. “Oh… sorry. That… I said something dumb.”
“Ya think, you doofus?” a gorgeous, white-coated pegasus filly with stunning blue eyes asked, whacking Emerald on the back of the head with her wing. “She and Puddle are lucky to be alive!” She shook her head, then turned to me. “Sorry, Emmy has a terminal case of saying stupid things sometimes,” she said, earning a glare from the green unicorn. “I’m Sour Drops, but you can call me Sour. It’s nice to meet you!”
I blinked a few times, staring at Sour before Puddle nudged me in the side. Right! Words! Mouth noises!
“Uh, Threnody. Erm, well, technically Threnody Lily, but… Threnody is just fine,” I stammered, trying to not look too much of an idiot in front of the snow-white pega-goddess.
Sour blushed slightly and looked toward the front of the classroom.
“You’d better wait here,” she said with a grin. “Miss Aria is about to do roll call, and she’ll probably want you to introduce yourself to the class.” Wait, what? “Don’t worry, you just say a few things about yourself, and we’ll get you seated!” Please Luna, let me become a stone!
Of all the bizarre things about the idea of this… school, being brought up to the front and forced to introduce myself was the worst. I’d been shot at, cornered, and stuck in crazy hallucinations, but nothing prepared me for the vulnerability that came from being asked ‘Who are you?’
Miss Aria turned out to be a middle aged unicorn who wore pince nez glasses. She drained a few decibels from the din of the class with an expression of mild disappointment. Oh boy, this was going to be one of those days.
“Now, now, settle down,” she said, looking at the class through her glasses. Those glasses bugged me, because they gave her the impression that she was constantly looking down on somepony, even if she wasn’t actively doing so. “It appears we have a new student who will be joining us today. I would like you all to listen politely to her as she introduces herself? Okay?”
“Yes, Miss Aria,” the class droned in unison.
Creepy.
“Alright dear. Come on up to the front of the class – ” Please Princess Luna, strike me down with a holy meteor of justice! “ – and say a few things about yourself.”
Luna was not merciful. I wondered what I had done to piss off the goddesses and apparently several forest spirits as I began my sepulchral march to the front of the classroom.
I swallowed as I looked out upon my new, fellow students, and tried to give my best smile. Based on Puddle’s reaction, my face wasn’t quite working as intended.
“I, um… hi,” I said, hoping that was how you introduced yourself. “Um, I’m Threnody Lily, but you can call me Threnody.” I glanced to Miss Aria. “Uh, what am I supposed to say aside from my name?”
“How about you tell us a little about yourself, Threnody,” Miss Aria prompted unhelpfully.
“Um…”
“How about you tell us your special talent?” Miss Aria asked, far more chipper than anypony should be at 10am. I had a feeling that aspect of my new teacher was going to drive me up a wall.
“Well, theoretically it’s heartmending, but lately it seems to have shifted to being the Wasteland’s biggest fuckup who nearly got her friends killed,” I spat bitterly.
An uncomfortable murmur rippled through the classroom, and several of the other students shifted and looked around uneasily. A few of them glanced at Puddle, who was doing her level best to bury her muzzle in the frog of her hoof.
“Oh, dear. Well, um, if you could watch your language in class, Threnody, I would much appreciate it,” Miss Aria said. “You know, why don’t you take your seat…?”
The only empty desk was in the back row, next to a big window that looked out over the fields. I had a feeling that I was going to have a hard time paying attention to anything the teacher would say when that lovely vista was just a glance away. Puddle’s friend Emerald was sat at the desk in front of me, and Balmy Breeze sat to my right.
I wasn’t sure if this would be a good thing or bad thing until he seized a moment when Miss Aria’s back was turned to pass me a note.
Are u okay? - BB
Well, if that wasn’t the most loaded question in the universe. I glanced over at Balmy, but the teal pegasus made like he hadn’t passed the note at all. He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, and nodded toward the note.
Okay, did I lose all my heartmending powers and gain the worst poker face on the planet? Or were all of the Stable ponies this perceptive? Damnit, even Puddle did this shit to me back in Fold! ARGH!
I pretended to be taking notes as Miss Aria droned on about a book that I hadn’t read. Her lecture was kind of lost on me, but I felt like I needed to answer the silly colt who’d just passed me the note. I think I moved the pencil around with my mouth, writing nothing, for a solid five minutes before I finally wrote a reply. I nudged the note toward the edge of my desk.
Not really. -T
Balmy snatched the note from my desk with a flick of his wing, and I went back to studying a group of ponies who were harvesting carrots in a nearby field. How the hell was I supposed to learn anything in this desk? Or with these ponies?
I started to shake as I realised that none of these ponies I was sitting with would understand what I’d been through. How could they? They were safe and sheltered in their Stable home! They didn’t have to go through the forest, go through…
Go through…
“Threnody?” Balmy whispered, drawing me out myself. “Do you need to go?”
I wasn’t sure what he meant by going, but if he was offering to get me out of here, I was going to cling to him like he was a life preserver. I nodded stiffly, hoping I hadn’t made a mistake.
“Miss Aria?” Balmy called out, catching the attention of our teacher. I wanted to shrink as the other young ponies in the class looked back at us. “It’s… almost time for me to go to my appointment, and Threnody isn’t feeling well. I’d like to walk her to the clinic, if that’s okay.”
Miss Aria’s dusky purple eyes narrowed with concern as she looked me over. She took on an expression that I couldn’t quite name before responding.
“Yes, why don’t you do that. I’m sure that Miss Rhiannon will be around to collect her shortly. Thank you, Balmy. You and Threnody are dismissed.”
I didn’t quite bolt out of my desk as Balmy quietly gathered his things. I wanted to just run out of the school, the Stable, and out into the wasteland, but… that wasn’t a good idea, and a small, sane part of me told me to wait for the nice colt who was damnably perceptive.
To my surprise, Balmy didn’t say anything as we left the halls of the school. He didn’t speak until we stepped off of the stairs into the Atrium.
“Is there anything I can do?” he asked quietly as he turned to face me. “I-I mean, there probably isn’t, cause, like, I… figure you’ve been through a lot but…”
“You got me out of there!” I blurted out almost against my will. “Th-that… that was enough.”
He nodded, biting his lip. “I wondered if you weren’t, um… kinda getting anxious in there,” he admitted, looking me over. “And I know for me that means I wanna get out.”
I nodded, not trusting my voice at the moment. The feeling was slowly bleeding out of me into the hard metal of the Atrium’s floor.
“Thank you,” I managed a few moments later.
Balmy gave me a small, awkward smile: the kind that came from somepony who wasn’t used to smiling. I couldn’t help but wonder if I wasn’t seeing a bit of myself mirrored back at me.
“I can’t say it’ll be okay, b-but, I am glad to help,” he said quietly. “You brought Puddle back safely, and anyone who’s kind to her means they could be a good friend of mine. And Harmony teaches us to reach out to those that are hurting.”
“I’m… not sure I deserve that kindness, Balmy.”
Balmy tilted his head to the side, causing his long-ish mane to fall over one eye.
“I-I’m sorry?” he said softly, the tone of his voice raw with emotion. “I-I just, um. I don’t think that’s how that works, Threnody. You needed somepony, and I noticed that need. I just… wanted to help if I could.”
“And I think that you do deserve that, Threnody,” Rhiannon’s voice drifted lightly from behind me. “You’re just telling yourself that you don’t.”
Balmy and I turned to face the older earth pony. Rhiannon had been sitting on a bench nearby, reading a book.
“Though, I think you should head to your appointment, Balmy. Vetiver is being kind enough to take some time out for you, and I’d hate to make him wait,” Rhiannon continued, giving Balmy a gentle smile. “Why don’t you stop by the library after you meet with him? You can walk Threnody to the canteen after we’re done.”
Balmy nodded politely to Rhiannon before turning and heading up the Atrium.
“See you at the Library, Threnody?” he asked, turning back to me one last time.
“I… sure?” I said, unsure of what Rhiannon had planned for me. “The Library sounds good.”
I turned and quirked an eyebrow at Rhiannon as curiosity leaked in to replace the anxiety over having been trapped in that classroom. Why was she waiting here on the bench?
She looked down at her pipbuck and sighed.
“Well, I suppose that forty minutes wasn’t a bad start,” she said, smiling at me as she put her book in her saddlebags. She got up off of the bench and tilted her head towards the fields. “Come along.”
I sighed.
“You… knew I wouldn’t make it through the whole day?” I asked, biting my lip as I trailed behind Rhiannon.
She slowed, forcing me to walk next to her, which… felt so weird.
“I was certainly hoping you would, but… I also knew that you’ve been running so long that sitting down in a place like a desk probably was going to cause problems. So I thought I’d take today to try to finish my book,” she replied, offering me a smile. “And you gave me just enough time to finish it. So thank you for that.”
Wait. She was thanking me for freaking out and having to leave class? The hell?
Rhiannon giggled brightly.
“You know, Threnody, I don’t need to be a heartmender to read you,” she said, amusement dancing in her eyes. “But tell me this: did me saying that get your mind off of the embarrassment you were feeling about not being able to make it through the class?”
I frowned. I wanted to argue with her, but I couldn’t argue that it had at least altered my thinking a bit. Mostly by making me think that I was spending time with the most eccentric heartmender on the planet!
“I guess it did,” I admitted after a long moment. “Sorry, I… really did want to try to make it through today without being a problem.”
“Threnody. You’re not being a problem. I know you don’t believe me when I say that, but honestly, you’re not being a problem. If you’d made it through today without needing to leave, I would have been pleasantly surprised,” Rhiannon admitted as we passed through the apple grove. “But that doesn’t mean that you failed. It means that you’re just a pony like the rest of us. And sometimes we get in over our heads.”
“It’s just school!” I protested. “I should have been able to do this after all the-” I cut myself off as emotions churned angrily inside of me. I took several deep breaths to steady myself as tears welled up and the desire to take flight wrenched my guts.
Rhiannon waited me out, sitting down on the cool grass as I settled myself.
“Recovery takes time, Threnody,” she said softly, making sure she had my attention. “This isn’t something you can rush. And to be honest with you? I get the impression that what happened in the forest isn’t the only thing you’re running from.”
I frowned up at her. “You can’t know that.”
“You flinch when anypony tries to touch you.”
“Lots of ponies don’t like being touched,” I shot back.
“Threnody, when I tried to reach over your head the other day for a plate, you curled up and tried to shield your face with a wing. Normal ponies don’t react like that,” Rhiannon replied gently. “The only other pony I’ve seen react like that is…” She trailed off, shaking her head. “I think you’ll figure that out soon enough. I’m not going to press you on this, Threnody, because you need to work things out at your own pace, but I may end up pointing out to you that you’re not okay. And there is nothing wrong with you not being all right at the moment. Acknowledging it is part of healing.”
I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t want to know that it was okay to feel like I’d wrecked upon some emotional rocks, that I was being pounded by a constant surf of sorrow. I was so tired of being rescued. Even if nopony actually was doing any rescuing.
Rhiannon wasn’t trying to save me. So why did being with her feel like I was stuck in a gilded cage?
“Threnody, you’re not alone,” Rhiannon began, leaning down to get to my eye level. “I think you’ve faced a lot of things by yourself, and you’ve gotten so used to having to handle very grown-up things by yourself, things that nopony your age should have to deal with. It’s admirable that you’ve made it this far on your own, and anypony who knows you should be proud of you for doing that.
“But you can’t keep going on alone,” she continued, her eyes filled with more concern than the rest of her face was letting on. Rhiannon spoke with her eyes a lot, and I knew great concern when I saw it, no matter how well masked. “There’s a book I want to show you. It’s… something we – the ponies of Stable 9 – used when times were hard. I want you to read it. That’ll be your homework.”
I perked up a little in spite of myself at the mention of the book. I didn’t want any of this cheerful optimism that Rhiannon seemed to be trying to sell, and I was dubious of her claims that a book could solve all of my problems. But… I did rather like libraries, and it had been so long since I’d just curled and lost myself in a book.
“I… I don’t know. However, I am willing to read this book of yours,” I admitted. “But only because I like books!”
Rhiannon chuckled, getting back up to her hooves.
“Alright, then let’s get to the Lone Oak Library,” she said, a glimmer in her eye that I couldn’t quite trace the source of.
She led me through the apple orchards toward a massive oak tree. I started as I realised that the name of the library wasn’t because somepony missed oak trees, but rather because it was inside of a massive oak. The tree seemed to be healthy, despite not only being hollow, but also having windows and doors and balconies built into it. It was the strangest thing I had ever seen in my life, but I fell in love with it at first sight.
I made a small choking sound as I realised that this library was probably at least three times as large as the one mom had back in Junction City.
“Threnody, are you okay?” Rhiannon asked, responding to the small sound I’d made.
“Y-yes!” I snapped, my voice quavering. “There’s just… Gotta be so many books…”
“Oh, honey…”
Rhiannon opened the door and a little bell chimed as it swung wide to reveal a beautiful sight for my very tired, sad eyes. Rows of shelves lined the walls, stuffed full of books. A staircase had been carved into the heartwood, and it led up to the second floor of the library which contained more bookshelves, and more books. A ladder on the second led up to a small loft, and I could see the edges of a wooden bedframe sat on a deck that stuck out a little ways over the library proper below. Some lucky pony got to live here!?
I was stuck in the doorway at the sight of all of the books I’d never read! And so taken in by the sheer untapped knowledge before me and the beauty of the library itself, I somehow missed the librarian, who scared the hell out of me when she spoke up.
“Good morning!” the largest pegasus I’d ever seen called out, causing me to start. She winced. “Sorry, I… thought you’d seen me when you came in. Morning, Rhiannon.”
“Good morning, miss Lunar,” Rhiannon replied. “I have a favour to ask of you,” she said, lightly nudging me forward so she could enter into the library.
I twitched an ear at the mention of her name, and the vaguest memory of a massive blonde pegasus with a scarred right eye wearing Enclave power armour flashed through my head. Why did I have this feeling that she’d died?
“Sure thing!” Lunar replied cheerily, then she looked down at me. “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Lunar Skysong, the local librarian!” she opened her mouth then closed it sharply. “I… didn’t intend for that to be an alliteration…”
“Oh, sorry. Um, I’m Threnody. I… got into Stable 9 a little while ago, but you probably haven’t seen me,” I explained, trying not to be rude as I slowly inched my way toward one of the bookshelves.
“Are we taking in strays now?” Lunar whispered to Rhiannon as I slipped over to the shelves.
“No. Well, we could, but we haven’t found any recently. Threnody and her friends came with Solidarity from east of the Red Forest.”
I tuned out the rest of their conversation as I started looking over the shelves. I took in the lovely scent I’d come to associate with books. Those lovely notes of sweet grass mixed with an acidic whiff I could never place, all overlain with a musty quality that blended with a hint of vanilla. I’d learned all these smells when I was very young, but somehow the library didn’t smell like home to me. It smelled like safety, and I felt myself relax just a little bit as I ran my hoof over the soft bindings.
The Followers would have killed to have a library a tenth of what this was, and I teared up as I realised how much of a time capsule for old Equestrian life Stable 9 truly was. There was likely knowledge here, and stories too, that had been thought lost to time and balefire. Yet, here in front of me lay the hopes of the wasteland.
Supernaturals. Perplexing Pony Plagues. Dapple Grey’s Anatomy. Books on how to make the best of poor soil. Books on magic. An entire collection of Daring Do stories. All of it was here, hidden away underground, and this… this was worth protecting.
“Threnody?” Rhiannon called. “Can you come here a moment?”
I tore myself away from the shelves and made my way over to where Rhiannon and Lunar stood. The pair waited in front of a locked case in the centre of the main library. Inside lay two books, one purple and decorated with a violet horseshoe. The cover was embossed with six precious gems: five were inlaid into the horseshoe and the sixth, cut into a six-pointed starburst, lay in its center.
The other book was a little more plain, the only decoration a half-red and yellow sunburst that joined with five triangles that filled in the other half of the sunburst. I stared at the second book. Why did that sunburst look so familiar?
“This is the Journal of Friendship,” Rhiannon started, pulling me out of my reverie for the second book. “It was written by Twilight Sparkle and her friends several years before the war, and contained several of the lessons that they learned along the way.” She pulled out the purple book, a weighty reverence filling her voice. “They weren’t perfect ponies, not by a long shot, but they had good hearts, and believed in the magic of friendship. That, Threnody, is something that we in the Stable believe very firmly in. I want you to read this, and we’ll talk about it afterward. Deal?”
Reading a book wasn’t exactly a tall ask for me, but the second book had my attention.
“What’s the other book?” I asked, pointing to the one with the sunburst cover.
Rhiannon hesitated, and looked at Lunar before responding. “That one… we think was mistakenly brought here,” she said cautiously. “It is a journal that Twilight used to talk to a friend in another world.”
“Another world?” I asked, surprised. “What? How? Can magic even do that?”
“I don’t have an answer to that, to be honest,” Rhiannon admitted, frowning down at the second journal. “One of the last notes we got from the Ministry of Arcane Sciences before the war ended was the request that we return it. It’d been misplaced here… but we were never able to fix that mistake.”
“Can I read it?” I asked.
“I don’t know that it’s such a-”
“I’ll read both!” I exclaimed. “Let me read both books, and you’ve got a deal.”
Rhiannon fixed me with a serious expression.
“Unlike this book,” she said, lifting the Journal of Friendship, “I’m not sure that one was ever meant to be read by anypony but Twilight and her friend. It contains some very private conversations.”
“Rhiannon, it’s not like I’ve ever had to keep a secret before,” I scoffed. “Kind of important when you’re a heartmender. But those are my terms. I take both books, or none.”
Rhiannon and Lunar exchanged glances before the pegasus shrugged.
“Well, we’ll need to get you a library card…”
The most torturous thing about having access to a real, proper library, was that it was a real, proper library. With rules. And policies. Two books maximum. In the infinite wisdom of whoever came up with this goddess-damned thing, out of the multitude of books calling out my name, begging me to read them, I was cruelly restricted to picking only two, and even then, my hoof had been forced on one of them.
But still, here I was with the Journal of Friendship and the other mysterious journal when I sat down on one of the library’s convenient benches to read. Rhiannon left me there, and reminded me that Balmy Breeze was going to come by later so we could walk to the Canteen. When she gave me my library card, Lunar had explained that I was free to read any book I liked so long as it didn’t come with me out of the library. I briefly thought about returning the books I had and taking my pick from the rest of the library’s treasures, but I decided that I should be good and start with the Journal of Friendship.
It felt… odd, reading the collective thoughts and feelings of ponies that were long dead. Their hopes, their wishes, their failures, and most importantly, the lessons they learned together. Each new entry, written in a different hoofstroke, had its own story and lesson. I could only glean little bits and pieces of what their world had looked like, but it seemed like a lovely place. And I’d be lying if I didn’t have moments reading it where I related to the struggles of these mares from another time.
“Sometimes being afraid can stop you from doing something that you love. But hiding behind these fears means you're only hiding from your true self. It's much better to face those fears so you can shine and be the best pony you can possibly be!
-Fluttershy”
How in Equestria was I supposed to show my true self, though, when I knew that the ponies I was closest to wouldn’t like the real me? What was the point of being who I really was if it meant I had to be alone?
“I-is that the Friendship Journal!?” Balmy Breeze’s soft voice drew me back out of the book. “W-wow! I’ve only been able to read it once myself!”
I blushed as I closed the book.
“Rhiannon thinks I need some… friendship lessons myself,” I admitted. “So she asked me to read it so we can talk about it later.”
Balmy’s blue eyes grew wide.
“Whoa, seriously? Th-that’s really nice of her! Personal friendship lessons from Rhiannon sounds like a lot of fun!”
I wasn’t so sure I agreed with him on that.
“You – Stable ponies, I mean – sure do take this friendship thing seriously, don’t you?” I asked, putting the Journal in my saddlebags.
“Of course we do!” Balmy said firmly. “It’s so important to have friends. Friendship will save the wasteland. That’s why we do what we do! Why we share, offer kindness to strangers, laugh when things hurt, and stay true to our friends. The outside world may be scary, but we’re all creatures who need friends. How could we not take that seriously?”
I was taken aback by the firmness of his resolve. Balmy had initially struck me as shy and somewhat anxious. But he had a quiet fire in him that reminded me a little bit of what I’d read in Fluttershy’s words just moments before.
My ears wilted and shame heated my cheeks.
“I-I’m sorry, Balmy. I didn’t mean to say anything rude. This is… a little new to me,” I admitted.
“O-oh,” he replied, hiding behind his long-ish mane. “No, I’m sorry for yelling. I didn’t mean to.”
“You didn’t yell, Balmy,” I replied, quirking an eyebrow at him. “I just realised that I’d kinda put my hoof in my mouth.” I sighed. “Sorry, this… again, this whole friendship thing is kinda new. Up until a year or so ago, I only had me. And after that, it was just Glitter, and only then when I got to see her. Which wasn’t very often now I think of it.”
Balmy very lightly lay his wing across my back. This was normal. This was what normal, good ponies did. They touched each other when they wanted to offer comfort. He was trying. I could try too.
“I-I’m sorry to hear that. That… doesn’t sound fun at all. It sounds very lonely. And it’s never good to feel lonely,” he said softly. “If you have any questions about the friendship lessons we’re being taught, please ask. Or if you d-don’t want to talk to me, please feel free to ask Puddle or Emmy or Sour or Sagi. I won’t claim to be an expert, but we try.”
That was as much as I could bear. I shrank away a little from his wing before responding.
“I will. I just hate not being good at something,” I admitted, staring at the oak floor beneath my hooves. “And it seems like something I’ve screwed up pretty badly already.”
Balmy withdrew the offending wing. He seemed to be gathering his thoughts, then frowned.
“I don’t think any of this is supposed to be easy,” he said hesitantly. “But I think the important part is giving it a try. I probably wouldn’t be as, um, confident as I am if it weren’t for my friends.”
The vulnerability in his voice drew my head up. I knitted my brows together in an expression of what I hoped came across as earnest concern, wordlessly urging him to continue.
“I… that’s probably a story for another time,” he whispered, looking away. “But if you want to know, all you have to do is ask.”
Shit. Did I screw that up? But it didn’t feel like a door had been slammed in my face. No, it felt like one was being opened for me, and all I needed to do was walk through.
“I-I do want to know, Balmy,” I said, stepping through that doorway. “I’ll also pre-emptively apologize for fucking this up badly.”
“O-oh, no. I don’t think you’ll do that,” Balmy said with a great deal more confidence in me than I felt for myself. “I just… When we talk, I hope you don’t think differently of me.”
I frowned at him as his words once again mirrored my own thoughts. This boy was going to be the death of me, I could feel it!
“I… There’s very few things anypony has ever said to me that made me change my views of them drastically. I don’t think you need to worry about that.”
I hoped that I sounded comforting. I really couldn’t slip as easily back into my heartmender mode lately, so he got the standard, useless lumpy tato. Whatever that was worth.
Balmy smiled shyly at me before tilting his head toward the library entrance.
“Well, that’s… good to hear? I think? But we should probably get going if we want to get lunch with the others at the canteen.”
“Oh, I’m not-” My stomach cut off my protests about not being that hungry. “Nevermind…”
As Balmy and I stepped in, we found Puddle, Bubblegum, Glitter, Emerald, Sour Drops, and a batpony that I didn’t recognize at the biggest table in the Stable’s canteen. Balmy had told me on the way over that most ponies would buy lunches from the Commissary. Since we were new to the Stable, Rhiannon had made sure that we would have meal passes for the Canteen. The little restaurant was a buzz of activity in the early afternoon hours, and were quickly waved over by our friends.
I giggled as I watched the group of Stable ponies try to squeeze in around Bubblegum and Glitter. My taller friends were pressed closely together, and I might even have seen the ghost of a blush on Bubblegum’s cheeks as Glitter’s flanks pressed up against his.
“We need a bigger booth!” Emerald protested as she scooted closer to Sour Drops. “Move over, Sagitarrius!”
The batpony sighed and scooted a little closer to Bubblegum, freeing up just enough space for Balmy and I to squeeze in. A part of me said we should just ask for a chair, but another part of me was laughing its ass off watching everypony else awkwardly squashed together.
“So who’s the new pegasus?” the navy blue batpony asked.
Sour Drops rolled her eyes. “If you’d been to class on time, Sagi, you’d know.”
“Hey, I didn’t mean to sleep through my alarm!”
“I’m Threnody,” I said, trying to save a bit of the colt’s dignity. “Um, thank you for meeting Glitter, Bubblegum, and I for lunch.”
Sagi waved a wing.
“Hey, it’s on Rhiannon. I’m always up for free lunch!” he said with a fangy grin. “Otherwise I’d’ve had to go back to my apartment and beg my mom to make me lunch cause I forgot this morning.”
Sour laid her ears back. “Again? You are always doing that!”
“Yeah, Sagi!” Emerald added. “It’s half the reason why I’ve been needing to make bigger lunches lately. I don’t make them because I like you or anything. It’s because I know you’ll forget.”
Sagi blushed. “I don’t mean to, but even with school starting at ten in the morning, that’s like… the middle of the night for us Nocturnals!”
“It’s pretty early for my tastes too,” I admitted. “Waking up earlier than noon feels like cruel and unusual punishment.”
“See! The new pega gets it!” Sagi exclaimed, pointing a hoof at me and nearly smacking Bubblegum with a leathery wing. “I keep saying we should start in the afternoon, but no one listens to me.”
“Dude, watch the wings,” Bubblegum muttered.
“You’re just saying that because you’re not a morning person, Sagi,” Puddle said with a grin. “If you were more like me, you’d love mornings!”
“Morning creatures are a plague upon society,” Sagi muttered. I found myself agreeing with him.
Puddle pouted as Glitter lightly patted her head with a hoof.
“I think mornings are fun, but I think I like pancakes better than mornings,” Glitter admitted.
Several stomachs growled in unison, reminding us that if we kept talking, we’d be going back to class hungry.
As if on cue, a tan pegasus mare with a sandy blonde mane trotted up.
“Hey, kids! What can I get’cha today?” she asked.
Bubblegum breathed an audible sigh of relief.
“Oh, thank goddesses it’s you, Gara,” he said. “I was afraid I’d have to deal with another one of Sonata’s attempts to make me try something new!”
Gara quirked an eyebrow at Bubblegum. “Ah, you’re talking about the Marionberry pie, aren’t you?”
“I am pretty sure that bat is trying to kill me!”
Gara rolled her eyes. “I mean, I can always ask Gael if he’ll add marionberries to the pancakes I’m sure you’re gonna order.”
“Please no! Beautiful mare, have mercy!”
Gara decided to take pity and simply took our orders. I’d barely had time to look over the menu, but pancakes were such a rarity in the wasteland that I didn’t want to miss the opportunity. Glitter, Bubblegum, and I ordered breakfast foods, while the other ponies ordered sandwiches.
“Gael, I need a side of marionberries for this strapping young colt out here!” Gara called into the kitchen as she trotted toward the diner’s ordering window.
A gryphon stuck his head out of the window, a chef’s cap on his head.
“Gara, goddesses love you, but no. If he’s not going to eat it, I’m not wasting good berries on tasteless philistines who won’t appreciate them!”
“But he’s so fun to tease!”
“You’re fun to tease, but you don’t see me laying you across the bar and whipping your flanks now do you?”
“Promises, promises…”
I decided to tune out their conversation before things got any weirder.
“Are those two together?” I asked.
“Gara and Gael?” Puddle asked. “Yeah, they’ve been married for a couple of years now, right?”
Emerald nodded in agreement.
“They’re a little weird, but they’re good folks.” She turned to Bubblegum. “So what’s your deal with poor Sonata? She always loves giving ponies new things to try!”
“I don’t like fruit,” Bubblegum said simply. “And she tried to serve me these weird pancakes with partially dried rubbery things that reminded me of BBs dropped in taint.”
“You don’t like blueberry pancakes?” Glitter asked, looking sad. “But they are the bestest! And they’re purple!”
“The juice stains and gets everywhere!” Bubblegum protested.
I chuckled at the exchange.
“Well, big bad Bubblegum, meanest merc’ in the wasteland, and here he is, failing at grown-up things like eating fruit!” I teased.
Bubblegum bristled. “Look, I do plenty of grown-up shit. And who are you to talk? It’s not like you’re any more mature than the rest of us!”
“I am totally grown up!” I protested, struggling to find a shred of proof . “I am totally grown up because I. Drink. Milk!”
Sour gurgled and pounded on her chest, nearly dropping the glass of milk she’d just taken a sip from as I’d made my bold and true statement. She desperately tried to swallow and not spray the entire table.
The rest of us ducked for cover as Emerald, brave soul that she was, tried to offer encouraging words.
“Just swallow it! You’ve got this! Just take it down your throat! You’re fine!” she shrieked before trying to wiggle under the table.
Sour managed to swallow her milk, and glared at Emerald.
“What in the nine hells was that, Emmy? Just take it down your throat!?”
Emerald turned bright red. “I… was panicking! Words didn’t work right!”
“I could stand to hear a little more,” Sagi muttered, leering across the table at Emerald.
The unicorn sniffed and looked away from him.
“The hell kinda books are required reading in this Stable?” Bubblegum asked, smirking at Emerald. “I mean, this makes me wanna read’em more if they’re all this spicy!”
Emerald made a choking sound that was not unlike the one Sour had just made, causing the colts to laugh. Well, except for Balmy. He’d been rather quiet through most of the exchange.
“Hey, are you okay?” I whispered to him as Emmy started to menace Sagi with a fork.
The colt looked up at me. “Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry, just… thinking and stuff. And I’m usually pretty quiet when we all hang out.”
“Oh, I hear that,” I said, a smile gracing the corners of my cheeks as I watched Glitter bap Bubbles on the side for something he said. “Groups are kinda…”
“Loud? Uncomfortable? Stressful?” he asked.
“All of the above, really,” I admitted. The others continued to chat amongst themselves. “Is everything okay, though? Rhiannon said you had an appointment.”
I desperately wished that I could sense what he was feeling, but I couldn’t, and the sudden, stone-faced expression Balmy took on told me I’d asked a little too much.
“Oh, just… stuff. Nothing super big,” he said, waving a hoof. “Oh look! Food!”
I looked up as Gara balanced our lunch on her wings and back, expertly depositing a rather delicious array of food in front of us. The others tore into their food as I picked at my stack of golden pancakes thoughtfully.
I couldn’t feel anything from the others, but... did I really have to feel them to know something was up? Balmy looked cagey when I’d asked him about his appointment. When I looked over at Glitter and Puddle, the pair of them laughed as they tried pieces of the other’s meals. But I could tell that Puddle was forcing it sometimes. Her smile didn’t always reach her eyes.
And while Bubblegum was trying to play it cool, his eyes kept darting to the corners of the room. He’d picked the only booth in the Canteen that let you see all exits at once, and every now and then he’d grit his teeth when he thought no one was looking.
“H-hey, your pancakes are gonna get cold,” Balmy chided gently. “They’re not as good that way!”
Oh. Right. Food.
I took a few bites of the pancakes. Then several more. Sweet Luna these were delicious! I’d nearly inhaled my plate when I looked up to see everyone staring at me.
“What?” I asked, suddenly afraid I had butter and maple syrup all over my barding. “Is something on my face?”
Puddle looked like she was about to cry. “Th-thren? Are you okay?” she asked.
The mixed group of ponies were all giving me concerned looks? Why were they all looking so worried? I was actually eating for once!
I blinked, and then felt a hot tear run down my cheek. I… was crying. Why was I crying?Why were stupid pancakes making me cry?
I let out a small sob, realizing it wasn’t the pancakes that were making me cry: it was my friends. Puddle’s pained laughter, Glitter’s quietness, Bubblegum checking the corners for threats. Even Balmy, who I wasn’t sure I could count as a friend yet, with his sudden shutting me out reminded me that we weren’t okay. I was so used to being the one who could see into glass houses that now that everyone was seeing into mine, I was scared, uncertain, and left with a cold sense of guilt.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I curled my forelegs around myself. Damnit, it was my fault! All of this!
Puddle got up out of her seat and rushed over to me. She wrapped her forelegs around my middle as she cried into my shoulder. Balmy put his wing over my back and Puddle’s foreleg. I looked up through my tears to see that Glitter had broken down and was crying on Bubblegum’s shoulder. Even Bubblegum looked stressed out while Sagi, Sour, and Emerald looked like they were trying to figure out what to do.
“We’re not okay,” Bubblegum said quietly, and I looked up at him. “Look, we might as well own it. That… forest fucked us up.”
Puddle sniffled on my shoulder, then nodded. “That… was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced, and… that on top of everything that happened in Fold…” she started, only to trail off into sniffles.
I didn’t know what to say, and I felt like drowning under my self-recrimination. If anything else, we’d just made the four Stable ponies who’d never been through the hell that was the Red Forest very anxious. Talking about it made me feel like I’d just spent an hour throwing rocks inside my own house of glass.
“I’m so sorry. That… was all my fault…”
“Oh fucking bullshit, Threnody!” Bubblegum snapped. “Yeah, you wanted to go to Stable 9, but you knew it would help the Followers, that it’d be a way to try and help fix things between the Stable and Fold after… after everything that happened to Puddle,” he said, his voice quavering slightly as he looked over at Puddle. “But we decided to go with you. Hell, logic says that I should have taken my pay and gone back to the Hoof. Glitter should have stayed with Callie and Dry Clean Only, but we didn’t and here we are. So yeah, we’re all fucking wrecked by what happened, but that doesn’t mean it’s all your fault.”
“Not your fault, Threnody,” Glitter said softly.
I didn’t want to believe them. They all had gotten brain damage in the Forest. That was the only rational explanation. Because, otherwise, that meant I had far less control over my life than I thought, and that particular thought scared the shit out of me. The only way I functioned was if I was in control. And if I wasn’t… I didn’t know how to live.
“Hey, I think you all need some time here,” Sagi said, speaking up for the first time. “Like, I can’t relate to what you’ve been through. We all know that the Red Forest is basically Uncle Necromo’s Happy Fun Time Murder Hole, but that doesn’t mean we get it. Still… I don’t think you can blame yourselves for being upset. It’s only been a few days. I’d be more worried if you weren’t at least two ways of fucked up after that.”
Sour nodded before speaking. “I don’t know that ponies were meant to handle what you went through, and it sounds so scary.” She shivered. “But we’re here for you. You all brought Puddle back safe and sound. Maybe, just maybe, let us try to help. Even if it means just giving hugs or listening when you need to cry it out.”
“I’m not super good at the whole supporting thing,” Emerald admitted, “but I want my friends to be happy.” She lit her horn and teleported beside Puddle and wrapped her forelegs around the little earth pony in a hug. “So whatever I can do – and I’ll probably be super awkward about it – tell me.”
The sincerity of these Stable ponies we didn’t know – these strangers – threw me off, and apparently Bubblegum too, since he looked as confused as I felt. Glitter spread a wing around Bubblegum’s back, and lay it across Sagi’s shoulders.
“Thank you, Soggy Terrace.”
It was a simple thing. Glitter’s malapropisms were something all of us had learned to live with, even if they were sometimes nigh-impossible to parse, but at that moment, it broke us. Six of us broke into a fit of giggles as Bubblegum desperately tried to get Glitter to pronounce Sagi’s full name correctly.
“Oh, I am so sorry!” Glitter said, sounding ashamed.
Sour waved her wing. “Oh, no. No, you’re fine, Glitter. We’re sorry for laughing. I know you’re trying hard to get a handle on that, but this gives me ammo to tease Sagi for weeks.”
“Hey!”
“Honestly, Glitter, you have been using fewer and fewer malapropisms recently. I think those school lessons are doing good things for you,” Bubblegum added, petting Glitter’s mane. “Your words just got confused at just the right time to make us all laugh a little. But we are sorry for laughing.”
Glitter blushed at the attention Bubblegum gave her, and covered her muzzle with a wing.
“I have been trying to not… mess up as much,” she admitted. “But thank you for apologizing.”
A short cough caught our attention as Gara trotted over. She had a tray of cupcakes on her back.
“I… couldn’t help but overhear you all. I want you to have these. On the house,” she said, setting the plate down on our table. “And take your time. I’ll write a note for miss Aria that says you all had some emergency friendship lessons.”
The cupcakes were delicious, and while I wasn’t sure if this counted as an emergency friendship lesson, we were all grateful for the note that let us be late back to class.
Miss Aria kept me after class to let me know that she wanted to meet with Rhiannon and I later that week to formally get me assessed for ‘my education level.’ I wasn’t sure how long she thought I would be staying in the Stable, so the entire idea seemed silly to me, but I told her I would pass her request on to Rhiannon.
I was annoyed that the adults here were treating Rhiannon like she was my mom. Sandalwood had tried that, and it had worked out so fucking well for me. Clearly this mare who I’d met a little over a week ago was super mom material. Because, obviously, I couldn’t take care of things all by myself.
I let myself stew in my dark mood all the way back to Rhiannon’s house. The day had been exhausting, and the one thing I felt I’d learned from Stable 9’s friendship lessons was that they were emotionally draining. It was terrifying being around ponies who wanted you to be vulnerable with them. Placing trust in… friendship? Was that it? It was not an easy thing to do or even consider.
I opened the door to the Lilac House, and mumbled what might charitably be described as a greeting to Rhiannon before collapsing on a pile of pillows.
“How are you feeling, Threnody?” Rhiannon asked from the small kitchen. The pan on the fire sizzled as she added something to whatever dish she was making.
“Tired,” I called back, my voice muffled by the pillow I’d face-planted into.
“Well, you made it through the day! And you even managed to finish out school today. I’m very proud of you,” she replied, making scraping sounds with a spatula.
I frowned into the pillow. I hadn’t done anything worthy of praise. I just did what I was told, and nothing more. Hell, I’d only just barely done that! I hadn’t even made it an hour this morning before Balmy saved me by getting me out of class.
“I don’t know what you’re thinking, Threnody, but I can feel how negative they are, and that they’re aimed towards yourself,” Rhiannon admonished gently. “I’ve noticed you do that a lot.”
Great, now I was getting all heartmended. Yay.
“I know, I know. Stop doing it, Threnody, right?” I growled grumpily at myself. “Just do better, Threnody.”
“Actually, I was going to ask why you seemed to direct your feelings inward. The only time you really express things is when you have moments of sadness where your feelings flare up, or when you snap at ponies because you can’t hold it in anymore. You’re like an emotional star that tries its best to not have flare-ups. But when you’re having one, it’s a bit of a doozy for you to weather.”
“I-” I paused for a moment, thinking about what she’d just said. I did spend a lot of time trying to keep my emotions in check. It was necessary when working with clients, but… I also did kinda do that by default. It wasn’t something I could really shut off. I was just always going back to stuffing things down, and stuffing them down harder when they tried to bubble up.
“It’s hard not to do that,” I admitted, standing up. “I mean, they’re my feelings, and I’m a heartmender! It’s not like I should make other ponies deal with my crap.”
“I think everypony needs somepony to help them deal with their, ah, ‘crap,’ as you put it. Heartmenders especially. We’re much more vulnerable to things like burnout when we don’t have others’ support to keep us going when the night is dark,” Rhiannon said thoughtfully. “So, what makes you so special as a young heartmender that you feel like you don’t need to follow the same rules as other ponies?”
The fact that I’d basically raised myself? That other ponies were unknowns that I didn’t understand and thus feared? Maybe because I was afraid of showing my true self because other ponies might not like the real me?
“I’ve just handled things on my own for most of my life,” I replied haughtily. “Besides, that means bringing other ponies close. Aren’t we supposed to stay detached as heartmenders?”
“Are you sure it’s that, Threnody? Or are you afraid of letting others close to you?”
Why, so I could make it easier for them to stab me in the back? My tongue locked up as Rhiannon saw through to the heart of what I was spewing. I stared at her, hoping that she’d let it drop if I remained still enough.
She tilted her head to the side, then sighed.
“I’m not wrong, am I?” she asked, her voice filled with very thinly veiled concern. Again, she was doing that thing where she treated me like a hurting pony, and it was maddening. “You’re afraid of what others might think of you if they knew the real you?”
Desperately so.
I couldn’t look her in the eyes as I fought my tongue into motion. It took a bit, but I finally was able to reply.
“Maybe.”
“Maybe?”
“I…” I trailed off, then stamped a hind hoof as I tried to figure out how to explain things to this maddening mare. Ponies couldn’t be trusted not to hurt me. Couldn’t she fucking see that!?
Rhiannon pulled the skillet off of the burner she was using, and trotted over to me. She lay down on her belly so she was eye level with me again, a habit of hers I was rapidly finding frustrating.
“Whatever you’ve been through, Threnody, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve your friends’ love. I feel like there’s this messy swirl of emotions holding your heart hostage at the moment. So much so that I’m not even sure you know how to express your feelings for whatever has happened to you. There’s the weight of a neutron star sitting on your soul, and I know it’s not just... because of what’s happened to you recently.
“You deserve to have the space to let it all out. I don’t expect you to take that space right now, but I want you to know that it’s yours if you choose to walk through that door,” she paused, tilting her head to the side as she let her ears droop. “I get the impression that a lot of adults in your life have failed you... badly, and I don’t expect you to trust me to be any better. I just want to offer you the space to talk and express yourself, a space where you won’t feel so… vulnerable.”
I was halfway to trying to run to my room and hide from her kindness, but I stayed still. I nodded, making sure she knew I was listening to what she was saying. I didn’t like what she was saying, because it hurt like so many icicles of truth, dropped from on high and stabbing into my hide. But I still listened.
Because she was right. Expressing myself scared the shit out of me, and made me feel vulnerable. I felt like I could only remove so many shields and layers of emotional armour before there was nothing left of me. And, to be honest, even I wasn’t sure what lay beneath all of those emotional defenses. I wasn’t sure I’d like the tiny, ruined remnant of a pony that festered down there like so much slimy ashes, let alone feel safe enough to let anypony else see her.
I turned away from her, arching my back and holding my wings shut defensively before I answered her.
“I don’t know if I can do that,” I admitted, my entire body screaming at me that she was going to react badly to that.
Rhiannon smiled instead.
“That’s okay too. I just wanted you to know that door’s open for you, Threnody. Walk through on your own terms.”
Every part of me hurt from how tensely I was holding myself. When Rhiannon didn’t make a move toward me, I slowly started retreating toward my room. She patiently watched me, not stopping me when I closed the door.
I couldn’t take it! She wasn’t coming after me, yelling at me, demanding that I tell her everything so she could tell me how wrong I was! She didn’t throw things at me, hit me for talking back! How was I supposed to know when it was safe with her!?
I buried myself underneath the blue quilt on my bed and tried to stop myself from shaking. This Stable was too confusing. It was too kind. Too caring!
So why did a part of those things have to feel so nice?
Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons - Speak Chapter 21: Satori in e minor
I think I’ll stay Here Until I am whole again
I don’t know when
Thursday, T-minus 15 days
I awoke with a start, gasping for breath as I tried to cling to the tattered tapestry of a rapidly unravelling dream. Threads and images crumbled to dust, swallowed up in the rising tide of my conscious mind. All I could bring to mind was a single image. Blackjack sitting on the edge of a cliff while a powerful storm rolled in.
It had been nine days, and I still hadn’t visited Blackjack.
I didn’t want to see her hooked up to a life support machine. I dreaded seeing her battered body covered with brown, caked bandages, her bruises, from purple to blue and yellow... her broken bones. That was before. Now, I found myself caught up in my own festering pit of self-loathing that kept me firmly anchored at any place that she wasn’t. After the past day’s ‘friendship lessons,’ I was pretty well and done with the idea of doing anything emotionally strenuous.
If I were being honest with myself, the thought of dealing with the mess of feelings I had about Blackjack just felt so very… imposing. Even just pondering what her friendship — Could I even call it a friendship? — was to me just put me into a perpetual spin of thoughts and feelings that I couldn’t pull out of.
The hateful, chipper song that Rhiannon had set as my alarm began to chime, and I just barely suppressed the murderous rage it instilled in me as I turned it off. Anywhere in the fucking morning was not my favourite time to be awake, but nine?! It wasn’t even in double digits yet! But who has time for sensible arguments in favour of sloth? I had school to lumber my miserable carcass to! What joy of joys!
I dragged myself out of bed and toward the Lilac House’s shower. I was still acclimating to this house’s utterly mad configuration, but it had a gentle charm to it that was growing on me. Plus, the hot water talisman was strong, and I loved the feeling of hot water running over my withers. It made me think of standing below the falls of Mount Yonaguni. I’d read a book written by ponies who lived across the western ocean, who had an ancient cleansing ritual that involved standing below the freezing cold water that flowed off of the mountain’s glaciers. They said it purified the body and mind. I yearned for water to wash away all my earthly sins.
As if water could actually do that.
I found a note from Rhiannon in the kitchen, letting me know that she wanted me to talk with Sandalwood today over the broadcaster, and the lunch she’d made for me. I tucked the brown paper bag of mystery into my saddlebags without looking at the contents, and made my way outside.
I was somehow caught off-guard by my friends patiently waiting for me, even though one particularly awake brain cell reminded me they were supposed to. They’d let me know yesterday that they planned on walking to school with me this morning.
“Ah, there she is!” Puddle squeaked in a most irritating way. “Lovely morning, isn’t it, Threnody?”
“Hey Threnody,” Glitter chirped. “Bet you wish you were still a sheep, huh?”
It was too damn early for this shit.
“Morning, girls,” I mumbled as I greeted the ever cheery-in-the-morning Puddle and Glitter. I paused as I realised that Balmy was standing with them. “And Balmy. Sorry, Balmy.”
“Oh, it’s okay, Threnody,” Balmy replied. “I get that a lot with how long my mane is.”
“Okay, well, fine then. Good morning, girls. Even unofficial ones,” I said with a slight smirk. To my surprise, Balmy didn’t protest. Huh. “Where’s Bubblegum?”
Puddle and Glitter exchanged glances.
“Well, he didn’t meet us at Solidarity’s place this morning,” Puddle explained. “I was hoping he would, but…”
Glitter sighed. “Bubbles and Mr. Solidarity don’t always talk very nicely to each other. So Bubblegum has been staying with the Wolfies.”
“Wait,” I piped up as my brain tripped over what Glitter had just said, and not in the usual way. “Isn’t Solidarity staying outside the Stable right now? Bubblegum would have Solidarity’s quarters to himself, and if he’s staying with the Wolves, that means he’d actually be closer to the constable.”
Glitter shrugged her wings. “That’s just what he said. He doesn’t always make sense. Kind of like me!” She said with a giggle.
“That must be why you two make such a great couple!” Puddle gushed.
Eugh. Still too early for this shit.
Still, whatever Bubblegum’s reasons for staying with the Wolves, somehow the idea of the half-tamed raider child staying with the ex-Steel Rangers was fitting. Though it probably contributed to his frequent absences from school.
Lucky bastard.
I sighed, and shook my head as we started off through the orchards toward the Atrium. “I’m probably being too hard on him. He’s… probably got his own layers of crap to deal with, and I can’t see how sitting in a classroom is particularly helpful.”
I watched as Puddle and Glitter exchanged glances as they walked. Balmy just shrugged.
“I think school helps,” Puddle said after a moment. “It feels… normal.”
“Oh,” I said, frowning. “I… guess I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“Well, yeah. You’ve never lived here, Threnody,” Puddle replied. “So this school thing is weird to you but… to me, it means safety. In all of the weirdness and scariness of what has happened in the past few years, school is the only thing that hasn’t… changed for me.”
I should have known that. Or rather, I should have felt that. But I still couldn’t. And here I was grumbling about the one thing that was probably keeping at least one of my friends sane.
“Argh, I’m sorry Puddle,” I said, my ears drooping. “I’ve probably been a rather shitty friend here by being all stupid about school when it’s… probably been really important to you.”
Puddle hesitated a moment before speaking.
“Yeah, you… kinda have been a crappy friend, Threnody, not gonna lie,” she said, driving a stake right into my barely beating heart. “Like, you’ve been going through a lot, and I am pretty sure we all want to help, but… you’re kinda… mean right now.”
Glitter nodded. Puddle did too. “You’re really grumpy and I think it’s cause you’re sad inside but won’t say it. You’ve been really mean to Bubblegum, too.”
I looked at Balmy, if only to avoid looking my two friends in the eye. But Balmy looked away, shrinking down in discomfort. At least he didn't throw any barbs my way.
I didn’t like being told these things. I didn’t like that I was just now realising that maybe I’ve been a bit much. That here I was staring at my own hooves and yet the world was moving along without me and…
And that I was being a jerk.
“Um,” I started, not able to meet Glitter or Puddle’s eyes. “What do I do about it?”
Puddle took a few steps closer to me. At the edges of my perception, I could just barely get the sense that she was contemplating hugging me. But she didn’t.
“Fix you,” she said gently. “Then we’ll talk about it.”
I closed my eyes, hoping that she’d continue. Better now than later. I didn't want to live knowing more venom would come out later. I wished that she’d rant and rave at how awful I was and how I deserved no friends. But nothing came. Nothing but the quiet shuffling of hooves on the packed earth of the stable floor.
Puddle and Glitter trotted away toward school and I waited until their hoofsteps had faded before I finally opened my eyes.
Balmy was still there, watching me with his head cocked to one side. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, then closed it again, offering only a frown.
Somehow, without saying anything, it was the most relatable thing I’d seen out of anypony since I’d been in the stable. Something inside of me cracked, and I started laughing. It wasn’t a pretty laugh. It was the dark, ugly laugh of somepony who realised that they had nothing to lose, and that they were drowning in an emptiness of their own making.
The laughter devolved into ugly crying in the middle of the apple orchard, but through it all, Balmy stayed there, waiting me out.
“You’re going to b-be l-late for class,” I sniffled, wiping my nose on my sleeve. “You don’t have to wait for me.”
“No,” Balmy said quietly. “But I wanted to.”
I shot him a half glare. “Why?!”
Balmy shrugged, then frowned again.
It was like peering through a painful mirror. Balmy struggled with his words as I did with mine. I had the barest sense he shared my boiling frustration, wholly directed inward. I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d found somepony else who had a tongue who liked to turn to solid marble.
“Do you want to skip class?” I blurted out, not meaning to. I couldn’t do school today. I couldn’t sit in that stupid desk, staring out that window that showed the open fields and orchards, all while wishing I was a tree so I didn’t have to listen to Miss Aria drone on about Equestrian history.
I started flapping my wings, and flew in the direction of the Atrium. Balmy took flight and kept pace with me. I took us out of the stable, out past the guard station where we startled the Wolves on duty, and up.
The weather around Mt. Hoof was sunny and bright, likely a blessing of one of the MoA towers that stood near Portlandia’s ruins. Light, puffy clouds hung around the volcanic peak as if tethered to it. If we had wanted, we could probably have made it to them. Well, maybe. My lungs protested against the sudden and rapid burst of that dreaded thing called exercise, making the last few meters of the flight a bit of an adventure.
I collapsed, winded, at the edge of the soft cloud. Balmy did the same, rolling onto his back as he tried to catch his breath.
“I… need to fly more…” he gasped, before giggling. “This is why I don’t… challenge Sagi or Sour… to a race!”
“I don’t think I should race anypony,” I admitted, still breathless. “But I need to be… up? You know?”
Balmy rolled onto his belly and looked out over the edge of the cloud.
“Yeah. I… I get it,” he admitted. “Up here, you’re kinda away from the problems of… well, down there.”
I took a moment to take in the surroundings. Mt. Hoof rose behind us: strong, solid, and snowcapped, while the volcanic foothills fanned away from the big mountain. A meandering river flowed through the collapsing husks of the dead pine forests carpeting the landscape. Here and there though, and despite all odds, green was starting to peek in through the scorched treetops. Life was returning to this part of the wasteland.
Laying there on the cloud and taking everything in, made me feel very, very small.
And a part of me needed that feeling of smallness. That the world was bigger and more significant and that I was just… little. I wasn’t the center of the universe, just a small part of it that was desperately trying to figure itself out in the context of the great big everything.
Or maybe a part of me just wanted to be small again, aching for those rare moments where mom would hold me like a mother should.
Shaking that thought out of my head, I asked: “Do you have a lot of problems down there?”
“Yeah, doesn’t everyone?” Balmy asked, his big blue eyes boring into me.
His answer struck me. Most ponies I knew said yes and jumped into their problems, letting their frustrations and sorrows rain down on me in a steady drizzle, but Balmy didn’t. He answered, then reflected it back to me. Which felt… odd.
“Oh, well. I mean, yeah, totally? Who doesn’t have problems in their life, right?” I said, letting out a dry laugh. “What would ponies be if we didn’t have our problems?”
I swear to Luna I know how to do the social.
Balmy chuckled, then shrugged.
“I dunno, happy, I guess? Or something like that?” He turned away from me and stared at some point in the distance. “Or whatever happy means, I guess.”
I didn’t need my heartmending senses to recognise the melancholy in his voice. Not being able to feel the cool blue emotion pooling around my hooves felt strange, so much so that I felt myself lightly curling my hooves to at least ground myself in the soft surface of the cloud.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” I asked, knowing I’d opened the door the day before, only to have it shut in my face.
Balmy slowly turned to me, a sad smile on his muzzle. “You know, don’t you think you should worry about you, first?” he asked. “I mean, I followed you up here and am skipping class ‘cause of you.” He paused. “I talk enough about my stuff, honest. I talk with Rhiannon, I talk with Mr. Vetiver.” My ears perked up at the new, unfamiliar name. “I have a lot of ponies and others who are willing to listen to me. It’s… kinda nice, actually, since my mom doesn’t really get me at all, and my dad’s… not in the picture.”
That sounded uncomfortably relatable.
“So I kinda make it work!” Balmy continued, perking up. “I may have all sorts of problems, but I also have friends who look out for me, even if I’m not able to tell them yet exactly what’s going on. And uh… that’s nice?” His blue eyes moved slowly back and forth as he made eye contact with me, and it almost felt like he was searching for something in me. “And I get the feeling you’ve maybe got that waiting for you down there? But… you don’t know how to ask for it?”
Anger welled up in me, and I did my best to bite it back, but I knew I couldn’t quite keep it from slipping icicle sharpness into my tone.
“I don’t–”
Then I stopped, realising that maybe, just maybe, he was right. Like, holy fucking shit, I had just had Puddle telling me I needed to fix myself not fifteen minutes ago, and that would have been an excellent opening for me to reach out to her. Or was it? Or was Puddle saying that I needed to fix myself was her way of telling me to go away? I’d deserve nothing less.
Or did I deserve better than that? I mean, that seemed doubtful, given that life had basically repeatedly told me that if I wanted to go first, it was selfish. That I shouldn’t be selfish.
That line of thinking made me want to pluck every hair out of my tail in frustration.
“Why do you care...?” I finally asked. I wanted to lash out so he’d give up on me. But I couldn’t put any edge to my voice. I just sounded defeated.
“Cause you’re hurting,” Balmy said. “And…” He trailed off and frowned. “I don’t know, have you ever been around someone that you know is hurting, and there’s a part of you that hurts as well, that cries out to whatever they’re going through, and you kinda want to hang out with them for a while, hoping that maybe you can help them make it through whatever’s bugging them?”
“I’m a heartmender. That’s kind of my Tuesday.”
“Is it though?”
Yet again, this frustratingly perceptive colt made me pause and think. In some ways, that was how I approached being a heartmender. I was supposed to use my talents to help others, and by my presence, we hoped that ponies got better. But… he was asking if I’d done that by choice rather than because it’s just what was expected of me. Admittedly, I hadn’t. Not with Blackjack, and… not with any of my friends.
I tucked my forelegs underneath myself and tugged my wings close to my back.
“I… okay, maybe you have a point there. I used to be able to sense when ponies were hurting, though. I’ve not been able to do that since I was in the stupid forest,” I admitted glumly. “But can you kinda like, unpack what you mean by that? Hurt crying out to hurt?”
Balmy pulled together some bits of cloud, and shaped them into a heart.
“So… the way I see it is we’re usually okay, but sometimes, we have bad things that happen to us. A disappointment.” He pulled away a small piece of the heart and let it drift away on the breeze. “Losing someone important to you.” He pulled off a larger piece. “All these hurts, big and small, that kinda start to add up over time. So you start to wonder if… you’re broken? If you’re the only one who feels this way, right?”
He pulled off more chunks of the cloud until it was less a heart and more a nondescript lump. Is that what I was really like inside? Did holes and missing chunks make up the better part of my heart at this point?
“But I think when we have these hurts, we kinda know what that looks like. Maybe not how it totally affects us, like… I don’t think we ever know that, but we know it enough to like, know what it looks like in somepony else. So those invisible injuries kinda resonate with us when we see someone struggling with something similar?” He sculpted another cloud heart, took out pieces, and lightly shoved them next to each other. “So… because you know what that looks like, what it feels like, it’s… easier to see that in others. That… makes sense?”
I cocked my head to the right as I thought about what he’d said. “I think so? Like… sorry, I’m probably coming at this from a weird angle, but sort of how some heartmenders work really well with certain kinds of hurts?”
“I mean probably? That would make sense to me,” Balmy replied. “I was thinking more in the friend sense, though. That sometimes we go through things in life that are similar to, but not the same as others. So we know when something might bother our friends, and we can look out for them when they need it. And we can open up to them when we need the support. I think that’s what friends are supposed to do for each other.”
I wasn’t sure I bought all of that. It seemed really weird to accept help from others. I’d spent my entire life having to learn to rely only on myself because the adults around me certainly couldn’t be arsed to care about me, so I couldn’t expect other ponies my age to be there for me either. But I understood it from the direction of providing that support. But doing the same thing in reverse was different, wasn’t it? Argh, what was wrong with me that I couldn’t understand being on the receiving end?
I buried my face in the cloud.
“So what do you see in me that makes you think I’m hurt?” I asked, dreading the answer.
Balmy managed a chuckle. “Uh… well, your class introduction was a phenomenal disaster, for starters. But mostly it’s that you kinda seem to hold yourself back. I don’t know how to explain it better than that. You are always just the slightest bit disengaged. Like when we were at lunch yesterday? You sought out talking to me instead of trying to talk with everypony else.”
“Maybe I was worried about you, cause you got quiet?”
“Maybe,” Balmy said, then blew a raspberry at me. “But you said you can’t feel ponies when they’re distressed. So you can’t use that excuse.”
I pulled my face up out of the cloud and sighed. “Okay, fine, maybe I also just wasn’t feeling up to dealing with everypony at once!”
“See! Progress! A few more things like this and we’ll make you into the element of honesty!”
I chuckled. “It’s gonna take a bit more than that, I think,” I admitted. “But, no, you’re right. I just don’t like to admit it. Everypony wants me to be this perfect little pegasus, who listens and is sociable, but really others exhaust the crap out of me and make me want to hide under my blankets until they go away.”
Balmy let out a soft sigh, and looked away from me.
“Yeah, I can understand that. Trying to be something you’re not can be exhausting,” he said, looking out over to the dead forest.
I twitched my ear at that. I may not have been able to feel his emotions, but there was something in the tone of his voice that I locked onto. Something that I desperately wanted to poke at, but felt that I probably shouldn’t.
“I give you credit for not asking, by the way,” he added without looking at me. “I was sure you were gonna poke, but you didn’t.”
“I had to try really hard not to,” I confessed. “Which I mean, I do want to know if you want to share, but… after yesterday I kinda got the impression that you didn’t want to. Like, that makes total sense considering that we just met yesterday.” I paused as that little fact sunk into my brain. “Oh my goddesses! What is wrong with me?! I just started dumping on you! I am so sorry!”
Balmy quirked an eyebrow at me.
“Uh, I kinda did offer. And like, Puddle did tell you that you need to work on fixing you. Tell me if I’m wrong, but you said you just ‘dumped’ on me, and yet I feel like… like you really only told me the smallest teaspoonful of what’s actually bothering you?” he asked gently.
Because it would be accurate? I thought, trying to center myself as I desperately attempted to cap the well of rage and sorrow that threatened to break out of me. Talking to ponies was a mistake. All that did was make me a risk to them.
“I carried the problems of a lot of ponies as a heartmender,” I said, choosing to focus on Mt. Hoof’s peak instead of the blue-eyed siren in front of me. “Sorry, this was… a mistake. I shouldn’t’ve dragged you up here. Now you’re missing class and I’m gonna probably get yelled at for keeping you away from your education or whatever.”
“I doubt that Rhiannon is going to yell at you,” Balmy said, tilting his head to the side as he looked at me.
I wish she would, I thought bitterly. At least I’d have some idea of what to do with that.
“Honest, Threnody, I don’t mind. I wasn’t lying when I said that I was a little worried about you, and I know we just met but…” he seemed to struggle for the right words for a moment. He pursed his lips, then shook his head. “The magic that exists in friendship can be just as powerful as the magic heartmenders give to those around them. I would like to be friends with you, Threnody. If you’ll let me.”
All of the talk of friendship just made me feel tired.
What even was friendship supposed to be? I mean, I considered myself to be friends with Glitter, sure. But… our friendship was more about being the two youngest — sort of — members of the Followers. As I got older, I kinda drifted out of toys and dolls and focussed more on my talent. Glitter had been left behind in a childhood that she struggled to escape, while I never really had one to begin with.
Was I friends with Bubblegum? He was kind of distant, but he at least gave me a straight answer on where he stood with me. I wasn’t sure Puddle wanted to be my friend after this morning. Did I even deserve that friendship?
Why did I find myself wanting the feeling of being cared for so badly? Was I really that weak? I hated how the thought of being alone continued to make me feel like I could break into a million pieces.
“I’m… gonna need some work,” I whispered. “I don’t know what this whole friendship obsession that your stable has is about, but… it’s not what I’ve experienced in the world.”
I was proud of myself that I said that without crying.
“That sounds so lonely,” Balmy replied. “I mean, I am sorry to hear that, and I won’t say that I understand, but… I am really sorry you went through what you did to make you feel that way.”
It took me a moment to swallow the painful lump in my throat that was threatening to choke me.
“Look, it… doesn’t matter.” I growled. “I made it work, and I have a job. I’m trying to honestly figure out what in the hay Sandalwood was thinking in trying to shove me into school. Like, why? Why does she want me going to school? I am probably more well read and more well educated than ninety percent of the wasteland cause I grew up in a fucking library, so school seems superfluous to me.”
“Maybe she wants you to try to make some friends?” Balmy offered. He opened his mouth to continue, but his pipbuck started to beep softly.
I quirked my eyebrow at him. “Everything okay?”
“Oh yeah,” he said, blushing. “I forgot I’d set that alarm. I… am supposed to meet with Mr. Vetiver this morning. To talk about, uh, stuff. I always set the alarm because Miss Aria forgets that I have this appointment every Thursday.”
My ears wilted. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry, Balmy. We should probably head back and let you get to your appointment. And I should probably go fess up to Rhiannon that I skipped class this morning.”
Balmy hesitated, then nodded. “I mean, if you’re okay with it? We can meet up for lunch?”
I gave him a small smile. “Yeah, sounds great. Meet by the library?”
“Sure thing! Let’s go!” he said, before diving off of the cloud.
It felt nice to feel the wind rushing past my face as I followed Balmy’s billowing tail back down from the sky. I loved flying, even if I didn’t get to do it very often. Having the freedom to just take to the sky always felt intoxicating, or as near to intoxicating as I was willing to get. I was never going to break any wonderbolt records, or even be an above-average flier, but being airborne helped me feel more relaxed than I ever felt on the ground.
Which made the inevitable reunion with Terra Firma all the more painful. Down here was where all of my problems were. And a lot of them felt so much bigger than I knew how to handle.
Balmy and I trotted back into the stable, and down the hallway that led to the Atrium before parting ways. I sighed as I watched him go. He was damnably perceptive, that one, but sometimes, it… felt kinda nice. I always ended up feeling like I was taking too much of the time that others had when I got their singular attention, but… at the same time I craved it. Which made me feel like I deserved it even less, if I was being honest with myself.
I shook my head and decided to face the music. I knew that Rhiannon wanted me to talk with Sandalwood over the broadcaster today, so I figured I’d just wait for her in the Stable’s communication’s center. For some reason, Stable-Tec had decided that they should have a small radio tower attached to the mountain. By some miracle, when the world burned in balefire, the radio array remained untouched, allowing it to communicate with the rest of the wasteland and other Stable-Tec equipment through the M.A.S.E.B.S. arrays. Provided ponies had access to broadcasters of their own. The Followers routinely brought Pipbucks with broadcaster attachments to remote settlements just in case they needed to call in for extra help, and as a consequence, Sandalwood could keep tabs on me, even if I didn’t want her to.
As I trotted toward the communication center, I realised that somepony had left the door open. Puzzled, I snuck a glance around the corner, to see that Rhiannon was already using the radio to talk to… Sandalwood?
I didn’t want to eavesdrop. I knew I probably shouldn’t eavesdrop, but I had to know what they were talking about. As surreptitiously as possible, I leaned just far enough around the corner to listen in, and hoped my ability to shield my feelings from other heartmenders hadn’t abandoned me too.
“I don’t know how long I can keep this up, Sandalwood,” Rhiannon said, her voice strained with tension. “Everything you’re telling me goes against what I am feeling right now. You want me to be a perfect stand in for a mother figure, but I can’t keep that up! Nopony can!”
“I know it’s a struggle right now, Rhiannon, but honestly I do think this is the best for Threnody. If she has some stability, then at least she has a chance to heal,” Sandalwood replied stiffly. “I know this probably seems counterintuitive for working with somepony as young as dear Threnody, but she’s been using her special talent like an adult for most of her young life.”
“But she’s not an adult!” Rhiannon shot back, stamping a hoof. “Treating her like one may be your ‘Heartmender’s’ policy, but honestly it feels wrong. She’s not a small grown-up. She’s a teenager who has just been through some extremely traumatic shit, and pretending she hasn’t will not help anyone! Why the fuck do you keep telling me to do this, Sandalwood?”
Sandalwood let out a soft sniff, the kind that she did when she was intensely annoyed, but trying to not show her disdain.
“I am just passing down what Heartshine was recommending for her. I also happened to agree with her, Rhiannon. I mean no disrespect to your own heartmending talents but–”
Rhiannon cut her off. “Why is it that when you say that, you’re about to say something highly disrespectful!? Sandalwood, this is bullshit. We need to engage Threnody’s trauma before she crosses that event horizon and can’t make her way back to being a whole young filly. She is young, and in a critical state of development, why don’t you see that?”
“I do see that plainly, thank you very much!” Sandalwood shot back. “I have my own orders here as well!”
“Is that how you work, Sandalwood? Because that seems like a shitty way to heal ponies. Based on ‘orders’ and not feelings. Did you even do what I asked and try to get in touch with Heartshine herself, instead of through this… Cinnamon mare that you speak of with barely repressed disdain?” Rhiannon asked. “I can almost feel the suspicion you have towards her from here, and if you really feel that way about Cinnamon, why are you trusting her to relay what Heartshine really wants, especially with regards to Threnody? I know Fold is a long way from the Hoof, but for Harmony’s sake mare, are you listening to yourself?”
“I am very much listening to myself, Rhiannon. I’ll thank you to remember that. I do believe that I have a responsibility for Threnody’s well-being, as does Slate. We’re both very fond of her, but at the same time, she’s the only one who has had any success with Blackjack and–”
“Fuck Blackjack. That mare is still in a coma. I don’t care about her right now. I care about what is going on with the filly I have living in my spare room. I think that ignoring this and trying to give her a ‘perfect life’ is going to end up doing more damage than good. Sometimes we’re made a greater whole if we stop trying to orbit the disparate parts of ourselves like we’re a binary star,” Rhiannon shot back. “Let me do some trauma work with Threnody. Do you all not feel the pain she carries? Or did you all just ignore it?”
“Of course I feel it!” Sandalwood cried, in a rare loss of composure. “You think I don’t– that I can’t–”
I couldn’t bear listening any longer. I could hear the hurt in Rhiannon and Sandalwood’s voices. They were hurting for me. Me! Of all ponies to hurt for, why would they waste their concern on me?
I didn’t understand, and I didn’t like that feeling. I shied away from the door, their words weren’t even making it into my head anymore, smearing together into so much ugly discord. It was bad enough that they were arguing, but about me? That… hurt a lot.
And it made me angry. Who was Rhiannon to treat me like a child? Who was Sandalwood to treat me like a grown mare? Why did both of those thoughts feel so damned uncomfortable!?
Everything within started to feel like it was boiling. My anger at being taken away from… fucking everything I had built at Elysium to work with Blackjack. My frustration at being told I was the only one who could help her. The deep, dark, blistering abyss of rage that I held for the Mayor. Everything came rushing over me in a drowning torrent, scalding me from the inside, and hot, bitter tears fell. I curled up around myself, shielding my face with my wings.
I heard a shuffling of hooves a moment later. I dared look up at Rhiannon, who looked down at me with an expression of great sorrow.
“You heard?” she asked softly.
I nodded, unsure if my voice was going to work. Rhiannon sat down next to me, and let out a long sigh.
“I… didn’t think you’d be here so early,” she admitted, shame colouring her voice. She looked down at her Pipbuck, presumably to check the time. “Did Miss Aria let you out early?”
An iceberg of regret settled on my chest, but I shook my head ‘no’.
She sighed, then shook her head. “I should have known. You really, really don’t like school, do you?”
I shook my head again.
“Are we going to be able to talk about what you heard anytime soon?” she asked. “‘Cause, well, I don’t know how much you heard, but… Sandalwood and I might have a bit of a disagreement on how you are doing.”
“I– I heard. I heard how sad you were for me,” I croaked, before finding it hard to speak again.
“Is that what set off that little supernova out here?” Rhiannon asked, looking incredibly sad as she scooted closer to me. “I felt your anger through the door, that was why I cut off my call early. Why did me being sad for you make you angry?”
“I… I didn’t like you arguing over me. I’m not worth the time,” I spat. “I just do my job but everypony treats me like I’m a fragile little doll, and I hate it! I hate it! Hate it!” I glared up at her. “You want to treat me like a child, Sandalwood wants to treat me like an adult, and you’ve got no business treating me as either!”
“That’s… fair,” Rhiannon said, sounding surprised. “I mean, you’re an adolescent mare. You’re still trying to figure stuff out. But you’re right, treating you like a child is probably wrong of me. You’re definitely a lot more world-wise than some of the adults here. But… correct me if I’m wrong, but you also don’t really know where you fall on that spectrum yourself, do you?”
I frowned. She had me there.
“No. I just… feel stuck in between. Which… probably makes things weird for you.”
“Threnody, you… really need to stop preempting everyone that might have a chance of caring about you,” Rhiannon chided. “You do that a lot. You reflect your own problems away and focus on the other pony. While that’s an admirable trait to have as a heartmender, when you’re the one being treated, you really can’t do that.”
Ah, yes. We were back to this. Her seeing through my crap and not taking the bait. Damnit.
“I don’t want you poking at my crap! What if it hurts you?! I already hurt you by making you worry!” I shot back, tears running down my cheeks. “I heard how worried you were about me. And Sandalwood! You shouldn’t be so worried! I’ll be fine, honest!”
Despite my best efforts to push this mare as far away from me with my words, she stood steadfast, a mountain weathering the rain.
“Threnody, I hear your words, but I also hear the sorrow and the fear underneath them. You keep trying to push me away, and yet I can feel that small part of you that just wants someone to hold you close. That is what hurts so much, to me, if I’m being honest with you.”
I started to shake. I didn’t know what to do. I was so afraid, so very afraid of being known, of being held that I knew that I’d shatter like thin ice. But I was so very tired of hiding, and so very… very…
Lonely.
Rhiannon had been sitting on her haunches as she spoke to me, and startled as I threw myself into her forelegs. I startled myself, but I was so tired, so lonely, so desperate for someone to touch me that I was willing to do stupid things to feel it. Even though it felt like bars of molten metal folding around my back as Rhiannon held me close in the hallway. In that moment I didn’t care if it killed me.
It was probably the stupidest thing, but I needed, longed for, felt a biological urge as urgent as any thirst or hunger I’d ever felt to feel something. Someone. Somepony holding onto me and even for a moment just to make me feel like I was valued. Wanted. Loved. Some sign or gesture that me staying alive this long had more meaning than just me going through the motions. I felt so much like I had nothing but my talent to offer others for so long that I needed someone to just be… be kind for once.
I knew it was selfish as hell, and a part of me scourged myself with so many brambled words, but dammit I needed this! It was probably dangerous letting Rhiannon this close, but sometimes I just… I couldn’t keep myself apart. Balmy had been right earlier. I was always holding myself back. Hiding from others. Trying to be the ‘mysterious heartmender friend’ that nopony ever really knew.
And really, all that brought me was loneliness and more tears. I was acting like everypony around me had spines that could tear into me if I got too close, and yet I would tell myself that it was me that would hurt them. So I held onto all my screaming tears in silence, and… for what? I didn’t have a good answer for that.
But here was a mare who didn’t even know me that was sad for worthless little me and it threw me back to the time the Lightbringer cleared the clouds, and brought back the brilliant blue of the sky to the wasteland. I was so tired of living in a world of grey. I wanted to see the colours again. Rhiannon just… wanted to show me what I could be. Even though I’d spent so much of my life afraid of that.
Rhiannon lightly ran a hoof down the back of my head. “When you’re ready, I think we should probably move this to someplace a little more private. I don’t want to break this moment for you, but confidentiality and all that.”
I let out a small, hiccuping laugh. “And the floor is making your butt hurt?”
She snorted. “Yes, that is… a concern of mine as well. But completely secondary to making sure you are okay.”
I didn’t want her to let me go, even though any contact felt like it was lightly searing my hide. At the same time, I needed this contact like a chem junkie needed a fix and I’d not had anywhere near my fill yet.
“I… am not. Not really,” I admitted. “I think I fucked up everything and I just… I don’t…” I felt the tears start to flow again, and looked up at her helplessly.
Rhiannon nodded, before using the back of her hoof to wipe away my tears. “If you are willing to try to work on you not being okay, I am willing to listen. I may not tell you things you want to hear about yourself, though. I may say mean, true things about you that will hurt. Are you okay with that?”
I probably wasn’t, but I nodded my assent anyway. The mean, true things were going to be future Threnody’s problems!
“Okay, well, first of all, we’re going to have to get you to talk. I know I said that yesterday, but I mean it. You need to talk. And, um.” She glanced back toward the communications room. “How about we hold off on having you talk to Sandalwood for a bit?” She bit her lip as her eyes lingered on the doorway. “I think I need to smooth things over with Sandalwood in any event.”
“I am okay with that,” I whispered. “I don’t really want to talk to her after I’ve been obviously crying.” I thought back to Sandalwood losing it towards the end of her and Rhiannon’s… exchange. “I… I want to see if I can try being more honest with Sandalwood, too. She’s such a pain, but… I know she really cares about me too.”
“Alright sweetheart, sounds like a plan,” Rhiannon said before releasing me from her embrace.
I hadn't anticipated how difficult I'd find the gulf between us as we parted, and thankfully, she didn't seem bothered when I scrambled to my hooves and pressed myself to her side. I was acting a bit foal-like, but I didn’t care. Relieving the touch-starved feeling as quickly as I could was more important than looking dignified.
I never really bothered to wonder at the fact that I was starving for contact — something that I normally feared. It was a way for others to press their will and emotions onto me in ways I couldn’t understand or didn’t want. But, the truth was that for all the times others had forced themselves on me, touching me when I didn’t want it or in ways that hurt, I was truly afraid of the touch of those that I wanted to be touched by.
Because it would inevitably stop, and I wouldn’t understand why.
When we’d first moved to Junction Town, mom used to brush my mane and rub my back to try to get me to sleep. Back when it was just the two of us, and mom didn’t have some adults to ‘entertain’.
Her touch had been all I needed to feel safe.
But then it stopped. She stopped, and I never learned why. Suddenly, I was a burden. An extra mouth to feed who made her life hell.
Rhiannon let me stay by her side as she spoke briefly to Sandalwood. I could hear the worry in her voice when I refused to speak, but Rhiannon eventually got her to calm down enough to end the broadcast.
“Alright, Stardust, let’s head back home,” Rhiannon said, pressing a few buttons on her pipbuck. “I’m going to cancel what I was going to do the next few days. Let’s focus on you.”
“I think I’d like that,” I croaked. “Sorry I’ve been a pain in the ass…”
She chuckled as we headed out of the broadcasting room toward the Atrium. “I’m sure you are right now, but I’ll accept your apology when we’ve had a few more chats,” she said lightly. “Not that I don’t think you’re being serious right now, but I feel like your apologies might be lacking a little grounding at the moment.”
We nearly made it out of the Atrium before I remembered that I’d told Balmy that I’d meet him in the Library.
“Um, Rhiannon? Can I get my pipbuck hooked up to the Stable’s network? I just realised I told Balmy I’d meet him at the Library, but… I don’t think that’s a good idea today,” I admitted quietly. “But I don’t have his tag to send him a message.”
“Do you mind me sending him a message for now?” she asked, pausing as I stopped in the middle of the hallway. “We could invite him and the rest of your friends over for dinner!”
“I… that depends on what kind of wringer you plan on putting me through this afternoon,” I mumbled. “But… um, if that’s okay with you? I… think it may be a bit before Bubblegum, Glitter, and Puddle want to see me.”
Rhiannon nodded as she tapped on her pipbuck. “I think you still need some time with your friends, but we should talk about why you don’t think they want to see you…”
Oh dear…
Rhiannon was surprisingly gentle with me for our first talk. Not that heartmenders aren’t gentle by our natures, but… I was kind of expecting her to barrage me with a bunch of hard things at once. Instead, we just… talked. About how I was. About how I felt my life was going. And about things that bothered me.
I didn’t think I’d have much to talk about, but as it turns out, I did. Before I knew it, I’d talked for nearly two hours straight, and desperately needed a drink of water.
After a while, Rhiannon gently reminded me that Balmy was coming over, and so she gave me ‘homework’
Writing down a timeline of my life.
She actually used the word ‘homework’, the weirdo!
But she told me not to start on that until this evening, so I’d set out to help her make dinner.
“What in the world is that?” I asked as Rhiannon carefully poured what appeared to be tiny balls of grain into a sort of measuring cup. I’d never seen anything like it before, and the closest thing I could think of was rice. But it didn’t look anything like the pictures of rice that I’d found in pre-war books!
“Couscous,” she explained as she poured the contents of the measuring cup into a pot. “It’s a very old Saddle Arabian dish, but we’ve adapted it fairly well to the club wheat we grow in the fields. I also figure that you could make it from refined razorgrain as well. In a limited sense, I suppose, it's almost like a hybrid between pasta and what I imagine rice was like?”
“Why did you measure that out?” I asked, watching her use the water talisman to fill up the measuring cup again.
Rhiannon turned and quirked an eyebrow at me. “That’s… sorta how you’re supposed to cook. Measure things out, time it, and all that.”
I stared at her, realising she had a skill that I’d never even considered, well, a skill.
“Are you doing that from memory, or do you have the recipe?” I asked. “I… am used to eating whatever comes out of a pre-war box or can.”
Rhiannon nodded pensively, then shoved a knife, a cutting board, and a carrot my way. “Did your mother never teach you to cook?”
“Um…” I trailed off, and let the ominous silence speak for itself.
“Right.” Rhiannon sighed. “Do you ever have moments in session with someone where you’re like ‘oh, it couldn’t’ve been that bad’, then later you realise ‘holy fuck it was?’ That is me right now.”
I shrank down a little.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I… was kind of a burden to mom, so I just… tried to leave her alone and eat what I could. It was always a treat when she made something. Otherwise I just…”
Went hungry.
“Well, then let’s get you started with some cooking basics, hmm? Do you know how to chop carrots?”
Rhiannon and I spent the next twenty minutes going through how to use a knife without removing your hoof, and some general cooking basics. It felt nice to have that much concentrated attention on me. Sure, I was learning something new, and spent every second convinced I was going to give us all food poisoning and we’d all die in horrible agony, but the individual attention was really nice.
It made me realise that the only ponies who actually made me feel like I got it from them were Slate and, well, Blackjack.
Though, admittedly, Blackjack always seemed to have an ulterior motive for giving me personal attention, whereas Slate and Rhiannon did not. I couldn’t put a hoof on what the difference between the three ponies was, other than there was a marked difference between how Blackjack and the other two treated me.
A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts.
“Oh, that’s probably Balmy,” I said, setting the knife down. “Do you need me to do anything else, Rhiannon?”
She shook her head. “Nope! The broth is just about coming to a boil, so it’s nearly done!”
I nodded and trotted over to the door. Balmy grinned awkwardly at me as I stepped out of the way to let him in.
“Um, thank you for having me over for dinner, Miss Rhiannon!” he said, wiping his hooves on the welcome mat. “Er, and well, letting me check on Threnody.”
“You didn’t have to check on me,” I replied, shrinking down a little.
“No, I didn’t. But I wanted to. Puddle and Glitter were asking about you at school, by the way.” A tiny blade of guilt shaved another sliver off my heart. “Glitter said she felt bad for not saying anything earlier. And Puddle told me she felt a little guilty for being as direct as she was.”
“I… think she was just the right amount of direct, to be honest,” I admitted, trying hard to not sink into a whirlpool of self-loathing. “I do need to apologise to her for real later.”
Balmy blinked in surprise, then nodded. “I… think she’d like that. Everyone has times when they aren’t their best, but part of being a friend is being willing to talk it out when you feel better. Apologising for hurting your friends when you’re starting to feel better is good.”
“Well said, Balmy. It sounds like somepony’s been paying attention to my lessons,” Rhiannon said from the kitchen.
Balmy blushed. “I… try to, Miss Rhiannon.”
“I think she was saying that for my benefit, Balmy,” I grumbled before grabbing a few plates from Rhiannon’s cupboards. “Um, was school okay for you otherwise?”
“I mean, we had maths,” Balmy said with a wry grin. “You tell me how it went.”
I grimaced. “Well, I mean, I suppose there are probably worse subjects? Maybe?”
“There’s also better ones, too,” he replied, shuffling awkwardly on his hooves. “Uh, do you need any help getting the table set?”
“That’s very kind of you, Balmy, but I think Threnody’s got it,” Rhiannon said as she balanced a steamy pot of couscous on a towel draped over her back. “Though I am glad that you were willing to come over for dinner!”
“Well, mom’s out again. It was between eating alone or with others. I’ll pick others every time.”
I desperately wanted to pick at Balmy saying ‘again,’ and not specified what ‘out’ meant. One look at Rhiannon told me that it probably wasn’t dinnertime conversation. Plus she’d more or less told me to leave heartmending alone for the next few days. But it was so hard not to. A part of me wondered whether or not that was me being a curious little shit, or if that was an innate part of being a heartmender.
“Well, you’re in for a treat! Threnody helped me make couscous for dinner tonight. If I recall correctly, it’s one of your favourites, no?” Rhiannon asked, setting the pot down on the table.
Balmy lit up. “Oh! Yes! I know it’s difficult to make, so we don't make lot of it when the farmers harvest wheat. I always forget what days couscous is made, otherwise I’d keep a bunch at home to make myself.” He grinned as Rhiannon spooned out a heaping pile of the tiny grain and vegetable mixture. “Thank you for the food!”
I’d refrained from scooping up a bite of couscous while helping Rhiannon. But I’d be lying if my mouth hadn’t watered at the scent of so many delicious things from the old world. I could pick out the scent of carrots, what I’d recently learned was onion and… I wanted to say spices? The broth Rhiannon had set to boiling had been fully absorbed by the grain, leaving behind tiny little spheres of tasty happiness.
I did my best not to inhale my plate along with my dinner.
“Please remember to breathe, Threnody!” Rhiannon teased with a touch of alarm in her voice. “And remember to breathe air and not, well, couscous.”
“Sorry… emotionally deep discussions give me an appetite,” I said sheepishly, then made an effort to slow down.
“Mmhmmf,” Balmy mumbled around a mouthful before swallowing. “I’ll eat to that!”
It felt nice having dinner with Rhiannon. I found myself drifting back as she and Balmy talked a bit about his day at school. It made me realise that the last time I’d enjoyed having a meal like this was… well, back in the Heartmender Annex at Star House. It made me miss Slate terribly.
And Sandalwood, too, if I was honest.
“As nice as it was for you to check on me, Miss Rhiannon,” Balmy said, drawing me out of my thoughts. “Couldn’t you just have asked Mr. Vetiver how I was doing?”
Rhiannon hummed slightly. “Oh, I could have. But you’re here, and so is Threnody. Even if at the moment it appears that her attention is on her dinner and not us.”
I paused, spoon halfway to my mouth. “S-sorry. I was… really hungry.”
“Oh, ack,” Rhiannon said, looking flustered. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m glad you’re eating!”
In truth, home-cooked stable food was making it very hard to give in to the voice that said the only control over my life was found in controlling what I ate.
Balmy saved me by speaking up, “I mean, I was just talking about school, Miss Rhiannon. Not anything super important.”
“Does that mean you had something important you wanted to talk about?” Rhiannon asked, looking just a touch devilish.
“I– I… n– no?” Balmy stammered. Good Goddesses above. This boy couldn’t lie his way out of a wet paper bag.
“I thought we weren’t doing heartmending at the dinner table,” I teased. “Or did the no heartmending rule only apply to me, Rhiannon?”
Rhiannon and Balmy exchanged glances, then she chuckled.
“It’s okay to shut off heartmending every now and then, Threnody. Though you’re right. I think that I may have gotten a little ahead of myself in putting Balmy on the spot,” she admitted.
“It’s okay, Miss Rhiannon,” Balmy said. “I– I just…” he trailed off and frowned, his ears drooping. “It’s… hard to talk about?”
I tried to shoot Rhiannon a look that said ‘why are you doing this to me, you know I feel like I have to pick?’ Turns out, it’s really hard to do that when your cheeks are full of couscous, so I probably just ended up glaring at her. The bitch had the audacity to smile serenely at me.
“It’s okay, Balmy, your time will come.”
“ARGH!” I shouted after swallowing. “You can’t do that!” I felt my face light itself on fire as the two of them looked at me dumbfounded. “I’m sorry, I just… I hate hearing something is bothering someone and that I’m not allowed to know. I know it’s super impolite to pick at ponies, but sweet Celestia is it hard to not do that!”
Balmy hid behind a wing. “I’m sorry! I know it’s… probably not easy for you, Threnody. I just…” He trailed off, refusing to meet my gaze.
Rhiannon cleared her throat, catching my attention.
“Balmy, where do you feel your fear?” she asked.
“Feel my fear?”
“Yes, in your body. Where do you feel it?”
Balmy lowered his wing and looked thoughtful a moment before replying.
“My… chest? I guess? And a bit in my throat.” He frowned. “Why do you ask?”
“Do you know why heartmenders sometimes end up with physical scars when we take on too many negative emotions?” she asked.
“Because our bodies end up reacting to the overuse of our inner magic!” I blurted, wanting to sound like I knew the answer. “If we stress ourselves too much, our inner magic is disrupted, and that disruption has to go somewhere, so it hurts us.”
Intellectually, I realised that I was parroting what other heartmenders had told me. They’d learned from experience. Though even as the words left my lips, I began to wonder if maybe that wasn’t the full truth. And why Rhiannon was asking Balmy of all people about heartmender problems.
“Partially true,” Rhiannon said, offering me a gentle smile. “But not the whole truth. Balmy?”
Balmy bit his lip, then looked at me and back to Rhiannon. “I… Are you sure it’s okay?” When Rhiannon nodded, he continued, “Because we hold a lot of feelings in our bodies, and the cost of holding those feelings is remembered. Sure, we use our inner magic to help others, but at the same time, our body remembers where those pains were felt. In our throat, on our back, in the wings, in the chest - it doesn’t matter where really, only that our body does keep score. And… when pressed too much, it can hurt us.”
I stared at the aqua pegasus colt for a solid minute as a miasma of betrayal and frustration coursed over me. I should have known. I knew that Balmy was damnably perceptive, but why did nopony say that he, too, was a heartmender?! Did Rhiannon set us up to meet so he could work with me? Was all of this dinner setup a lie?!
Rhiannon put her hoof down near mine, close enough to draw me out of the whirlpool of angry thoughts.
“For the record, I didn’t think you would go to Balmy when you met Puddle’s friends,” she said in those damn motherly tones. “I’ve been keeping his talent a secret from the Heartmenders. I honestly didn’t expect the two of you to become friends, but I am glad you did. But! I didn’t set you up. You asked if he wanted to skip class with you, remember?”
“I, um, also haven’t mentioned my special talent to anypony but Miss Rhiannon and Mr. Vetiver,” Balmy said softly. “Please don’t tell the others, I don’t want them to think differently of me. Well, to have another reason to think differently of me.”
I sighed. “Sorry, I… get it. Well, no, actually I don’t. Why hide the fact that you’re a heartmender?”
“I wanted Balmy to have a fairly normal upbringing, and to let him grow up without the idea that his special talent is all that he is,” Rhiannon replied for Balmy. “There’s more to me and to you and to Balmy than just being a heartmender. I… hate to say it Threnody, but often it feels like you think heartmending is all there is to you. You are so much more than that.”
Like what? I thought bitterly, fighting down the urge to throw the empty platitude back in her face.
“Plus, it’s hard when you feel things more deeply than your friends do,” Balmy admitted. “Well, maybe not more deeply, but… you understand things better and the emotional dynamics better between your friends than they ever will. I… have had a hard time trying to adjust to that. I feel kinda lonely about it, to be honest. Just because it’s so gosh darn hard to not get locked into the idea that the best thing I can do for my friends is to help them.”
Yet again, I found what he was saying to be painfully relatable.
“Because like, to be real?” Balmy continued. “Being a heartmender is just my special talent. It doesn’t take away my love for flowers. Or my dream to explore the surface and get along with the pegasus ponies in the wasteland. But… it’s also sometimes hard to not just… focus on that as the only relevant thing about me. That it’s the only thing that makes me stand out when really, me being me makes me stand out. If that makes any sense.”
I frowned. It did make sense. It also felt so… foreign. Like something that I had dreamed about having, but never was given the chance to have. Ever since I got my cutie mark, I’d been Threnody, Heartmender. That was it. Not Threnody, the book lover. Not Threnody, the filly who hides a massive sweet tooth. Just… the Heartmender.
“No, that makes sense, Balmy. I just never really had that option. All of me is about heartmending. And I feel like I have little space left to do– be anything else,” I admitted. It hurt to do so.
“Threnody, I hear the pain in your voice when you say that. Where do you feel that pain in your body?” Rhiannon asked.
I swallowed as I did something I so rarely did: listen to my body. The pain was an old pain, one that liked to sit at the base of my breast, right between the points of my shoulders, and radiated up to my throat latch. And the more I listened, the more pain came to the fore; it also hurt a little on lower lids of my eyes, and I admitted as much to Rhiannon and Balmy.
“But why are you asking me that? Why would where it hurts matter?” I asked. “I mean, I feel that pain a lot. It’s like asking about the pain I have along my wing joints, or in my spine. Those are just things that always hurt, and have hurt for longer than I can remember.”
“Well, in theory, Threnody, they aren’t supposed to hurt at your age. Some of it may have to do with your health. But like Balmy said earlier, a lot of a heartmender’s scars come from the pain — both our pain and that of others — that we hold in our bodies. The use of our inner magic is part of what causes our injuries, but the score our body keeps also determines that,” Rhiannon explained. She cocked her head to the side, one ear skewed flat with her skull. “I think I may have someone I want you to meet tomorrow. Honestly, I’d rather not have a heartmending session with both of you at the same time,” she said with a smirk. “But I want you both to think about where you end up feeling different emotions. One of the most important things you can learn as a young heartmender is how to listen to your body.”
The rest of dinner was uneventful. Or maybe it just seemed uneventful because I honestly checked out a bit, thinking about Rhiannon’s words. I barely remember bidding Balmy goodnight when he left, and felt a touch guilty that I hadn’t been more attentive. But, in truth, what Rhiannon had been saying about how a pony’s body keeps an emotional score resonated with me. It mirrored what the older heartmenders said, but there was a nuance to it that Rhiannon had that… well, none of the other heartmenders had. Sure, they’d hinted at the emotion-body connection, but it was always a sort of taboo subject. Heartmenders never talked about their own scars with other heartmenders beyond sterile, clinical evaluations.
Which got me thinking as I lay awake, staring at my room’s leafy ceiling. Maybe we were supposed to share our scars. Or at least talk about how we got them? Some ponies only had scars you could see when you looked into their eyes, but heartmenders? We wore those scars on our hides.
It was hard for me to hide the river system of scars on my back when I wasn’t wearing a duster or barding. Slate couldn’t hide the burn scar-like wounds on his neck. And after working with Blackjack, Willow Glen had a set of scars that looked like flowering vines that ran from her cheek down her neck to her shoulder.
Did that mean that we were doing too much? Were the Heartmenders trying too hard to fix the wasteland at the cost of their own health? It didn’t seem right to think of it that way. But, then again, even Blackjack had told me that I wasn’t expendable. Even though every experience I could bring to mind for my entire life seemed to be evidence that I was. Was the same true for every heartmender?
I didn’t know the answer, and trying to come up with one just gave me a headache. I shook my head, and rolled over, pulling Scootaloo tight between my forelegs. I’d thought enough for a day. Hopefully sleep would give my mind some rest.
I became aware of sitting on a tall granite prominence, staring out over a wind tossed ocean. Waves beat against the rocks below, but I felt strangely calm sitting on my precarious perch. The wind howled around me, the biting breeze trying to tear through my coat. I could hear the sound of rain approaching, though the cold droplets hadn’t yet reached my hide.
Yet amidst the tempest, I felt calm. I was safe where I was, and though the wind and rain could beat against me, it wasn’t anything I hadn’t weathered before. I looked to my right, and realised I wasn’t alone!
Blackjack sat next to me, brows furrowed in thought, before she turned to me.
Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons - Speak Chapter 22: Hope is Hard of Hearing
“I know I’m not well, but I’m alright.”
T-Minus 13 Days
Rhiannon let me sleep until ten the next morning. Bless her. She was waiting with breakfast when I emerged from the bathroom, freshly showered and feeling... Well, not energetic, but no longer like I hauled my fetid carcass out of a shallow grave.
Most ponies, and well, other beings wake up chipper and ready to greet the day. These creatures are called ‘morning people.’ They are a blight upon society as a whole. The rest wake up slowly, and generally should only be spoken to after a cup of coffee and a sit.
Me? I wake up dead. Force me out of bed on a normal day — when I’m not waking up in a panic — and it’d take me a good fifteen minutes before I recall the ins-and-outs of complex machines — like spoons. And even then it’s an even bet as to whether or not I’d fall asleep in the cold, unyielding embrace of a dinner plate. Though, I’ve found that toast makes at least a passable place to put my head in a pinch.
That morning, Rhiannon had the common decency to let me finish some reheated couscous before trying to speak to me.
“Threnody, there’s someplace I’d like to show you today,” she said, taking my plate after I’d finished.
“Uh, sure?” I mumbled, getting up from the low table. “Where are we going?”
She made some sort of facial expression and may have said something. But since my breakfast hadn’t settled in my stomach yet, I didn’t have the mental energy to lay down any firm memories until I’d already left the house.
The next thing I remember, I was following Rhiannon zombie-like as she led me through the orchards. As I looked around blearily, as if newly aware of my surroundings, I noted several trees had started to bear fruits and the fields were thick with vegetables; red and orange peeked through lush, verdant green, while bulbous gourds swelled on the ground. Somehow, seeing that made the artificial sunlight feel all the more real. Then we passed through the wide open grain fields, and Rhiannon waved to a group of Buffalo children who played there.
“Do you know why the Buffalo and Cervydarians were included in Stable 9, Threnody?” she asked, lowering her head.
I quirked an eyebrow at her. “Um, I assumed because Stable 9 was supposed to have representatives of all of the races of Equestria.”
“That’s a story the Overmares and Oversires have shared for generations,” she explained, her voice soft. “But the truth is, that wasn’t the case at inception. The true experiment of this stable was to see whether or not believing in the powers of friendship could save the ponies.”
The weight of Rhiannon’s final word hit me, and I flinched. Ponies. To save ponies; only ponies. No Zebras. No Buffalo. No Gryphons. No Cervydarians. Just the ponies.
And yet, in spite of that lie, Stable 9 had thrived.
“So… if it was supposed to just save ponies — which I think is a terribly cruel plan, by the way — why is the stable so diverse?” I asked. “I mean, it sounds like the first overmare thought it was wrong to leave them outside to die.”
Rhiannon chuckled as she led me up and out of the fields. There was a set of stone stairs that had been cut into the basalt walls of the stable. They extended upwards in a lazy spiral. As we ascended, the magical lights of the cavern that held the fields gave way to the softer glows of luminescent fungi and lichens that grew along the walls.
“You know, that’s it exactly,” Rhiannon said, spewing the words with enough vehemence that even my dulled empathic senses picked up on the geyser of anger. “And all throughout the building process, the first overmare had argued for allowing everyone inside. It didn’t matter if they were ponies or Zebras. Buffalo or Deer. Gryphons or Yaks. All should have been taken in because Equestria was always made of more than just ponies.
She turned her head, “I know, at least from what Sandalwood told me, that you grew up in a library. How much of Equestria’s history do you know?”
I bit my lip as I thought about it. “I mean, I know bits and pieces. History books were hard to find. And so many were… heavily edited by the Ministry of Image. I know that ponies once came from a land far from here. That we claimed Equestria after defeating the Windigos on the first Hearth’s Warming.”
“Interesting language you used there, isn’t it?” Rhiannon asked as she continued up the stairs. “Claimed. It is such a strange concept, don’t you think? We focussed so much on what was ‘ours’ versus ‘theirs’ that we didn’t think about things like sharing. Ponies spread across Equestria, even going so far as to rename this continent Equestria in the first place. Because we were ponies, and this was our new home!” She shook her head. “Do you know what Equestria was called before we settled here?”
“Uh… I vaguely remember reading a Hearth’s Warming story. Something about the earth ponies wanting to call it Dirtville, but I doubt that’s right,” I admitted.
Rhiannon chuckled. “I suppose it depends on who you ask. To the Cervydarians, it was Cervydaria Illahee. The Buffalo called it the Great Stampeding Ground. What was it called before the Cervydarians and the Buffalo lived here? Who knows. We, ponies, sure moved in like we owned the place, however.
“But others lived here,” she insisted. “The Buffalo and the Cervydarians had always lived here, in the plains and forests. The Yaks had always kept to the far north. So in our rush to claim everything from the Sparkling Sea to the Celestia Ocean, we forgot that maybe we needed to remember that sharing was an important part of friendship. So ponies found themselves fighting with the Buffalo because they forgot to ask where the stampeding grounds were. They cut into forests that were held sacred by the Cervydarians. I think in a lot of ways, our clumsiness with those around us led us to blow up the world. Not just ours.”
I lay my ears back as Rhiannon slowly fumed, then said, “I… don’t know what you want me to say.”
She let out a sigh. “No, of course not,” she said gently. “Sorry, I knew that this conversation was going to be a struggle for me.”
“For you?”
“Yes, for me.”
Rhiannon stopped us at the top of the stone stairs. The tunnel ahead curved gently upward, though it didn’t look like anypony — or anyone — had carved the tunnel! Rather it almost felt like I was walking through the veins of Mount Hoof itself.
“Um, can I ask why?” I said after a moment, trying to catch my breath as my body angrily informed me that cardio was not even in my deck of cards, let alone my strong suit.
Rhiannon sat down on her haunches and hung her head.
“To be honest?” she pondered. “Because it bothers me how much I feel like Equestria still hasn’t learned from its past mistakes. It took us over two hundred years for the Lightbringer to open up the sky. And even now, we’re still a broken, divided, paranoid people. We have the Family to the north to deal with, and the remnants of the Steel Rangers in the Hoove. Meanwhile, the Wolves refuse to share space with us in the Stable because they feel tainted by the hate they have for their former brothers and sisters.
“And that’s just up here,” she continued, “in the northwest of Equestria. From what I hear, the south fares no better. The NCR and the New Lunar Commonwealth have put up borders and refuse to cooperate. Refuse to share what resources they have. Fear what the Other may be doing. That isn’t to say that a little fear isn’t healthy: it keeps us from getting hurt. But the amount of fear and distrust that exists in Equestria today does not give me much hope for the future.”
“So, I hate to point this out to you,” I cut in with a frown, “but this isn’t something we can fix overnight. It’d take an army of heartmenders and several decades to try to get ponies to listen to reason, and uh… last I checked there’s fourteen of us. And Heartshine and the others have been trying hard to get the various pony factions to talk to each other but… getting them to the table at all is kind of a chore. The Followers are at least somewhat respected in the NLC, but our neutrality means that we’re not allowed a seat at the Council. Probably because the pony in charge of the Collegiate hates the fact that we’ll offer help to anyone that needs it.”
Now it was Rhiannon’s turn to frown. “I hadn’t realised that was why the Followers weren’t taking stances on the… disagreements that the NCR and the NLC have been having of late.”
I perked my ears up. “Disagreements? What do you mean?”
“Apparently the NCR has lost a few border towns to the NLC. The Commonwealth claims that the towns joined because the Commonwealth offered better resources and protection. The Republic says it is nothing short of an annexation of territory. What’s more distressing is that DJ Pon3 has been oddly… silent about this. Usually he’s rather vocal about trying to work things out. But of late the radio stations from Manehattan have just been playing music. Non-stop.”
I wracked my brain as I tried to remember what Littlepip had said about Homage and the others. Something about a dead zone.
“That’s… not good,” I said, feeling a frisson of fear run through me. “Ah fuck, what have I been missing by uh…” Being an emotional little shit. “Working on fixing myself?”
“Nothing that can’t wait until you’ve made progress on that front,” Rhiannon replied, a wry grin on her muzzle. “Besides, I think this is a little bigger than us right now.” She shifted on her haunches, like how she was sitting was just a touch uncomfortable. Or maybe it was where she was sitting. The ground was kinda lumpy.
Oh, goddesses. This was going to be a Blackjack-tier problem.
“Uh… Should I be heading back to the Hoof?” I asked, trying desperately to rein in my anxiety.
Rhiannon shook her head. “Look, this was my bad that I brought it up at all. Cooler heads will likely prevail in this. And if they don’t, I’m sure that the Lightbringer will bring fire to them until they do.”
I wasn’t sure I agreed with Rhiannon’s assessment of the situation, but from what I’d heard about Littlepip, the latter option didn’t sound entirely out of character.
“So… where are we going?” I asked as Rhiannon got back up to all fours. “The part of me that likes open spaces is getting more upset the farther we go through these tunnels.”
“I hate to answer your question with a question, but what do you know of the spirits?” she asked as we started our walk again along the smooth basalt.
That question set me back. While Rhiannon and I had discussed my encounters with Guardian the day before, I wasn’t expecting her to ask me what I knew about spirits. Or think of that encounter I'd had with them as anything but weird.
“Uh… well, until a few weeks ago, I didn’t know they were actually a thing that existed. I knew that it was something very important to the few Zebras I’d met, and that ponies have always looked at the idea of spirits as more… beliefs? Yeah, I’d say more like they were beliefs than anything tangible,” I admitted. “Though after meeting Guardian and well, Dealer, I… don’t even know anymore.”
“That’s fair,” Rhiannon replied with a chuckle. “I felt the same way until I had a very long conversation with Snow Berry.”
That name rang a bell in my head. Hadn’t Solidarity mentioned her before?
“Was she friends with Solidarity’s wife?”
“That’s right! I’m surprised he said anything about that,” Rhiannon replied, sounding impressed.
A small part of me danced inside my head. I was doing good at talking!
“But she and Clarinet were close, yes. She’s the shaman for the Cervydarians here, and she’s been kind enough to explain to my pony brain the connections that the Zebras, Buffalo, and Cervydarians have with the spirits. And more specifically, which ones they have ties with.”
“There’s more than one?”
“So they tell me,” Rhiannon said, helping me to my hooves. “But Snow Berry’s home isn’t much farther. I’ll let her explain when we get there.”
She led me through the basalt tunnel until it opened into a broad cavern. The ceiling of the southern half had collapsed, allowing light to spill in from the outside. A massive waterfall cascaded down from the peak above as the sun warmed what I assumed was a glacier, filling the room with a cool mist. Water flowed around a rise in the middle of the cavern, creating a small island on which several large oaks grew. From there, it flowed down into another tunnel, much like the one Rhiannon and I had just traveled through.
The presence of the oak trees startled me. With how little light they could get and the hard volcanic floor, they shouldn’t be growing there! But in spite of any common sense, they grew and apparently thrived in the hollow of the mountain. Grass and moss grew at the base of the trees, making me wonder just what was happening to cause that grove to, well, exist.
Rhiannon stopped at the edge of the stream that rippled around the island, and turned her head to look at me.
“Do you feel it?” she asked, pawing lightly at the ground in front of her.
“Feel what?”
What was I supposed to feel? Was there something out there? Something dangerous?!
“Close your eyes, spread your wings, and try to feel like you’re sensing someone’s pain,” Rhiannon suggested gently. “I know you said your sense of empathy has been dulled since the Red Forest, but I want you to try.”
I frowned, but did as I was told. Closing my eyes and spreading my wings, I tried to feel for the flow of emotions that swirled around all living creatures. To my surprise, I could feel something. Or rather, I could feel the flow of… the water in the stream? I opened my eyes to make sure I hadn’t accidentally fallen into the cold-looking water. I hadn’t, but the sensation of the water flow as it curved around the island in the cavern and out the southern side lingered.
“I… what?”
Rhiannon smiled at me. “Just out of curiosity, what do you feel?”
“The water. I… can feel it flowing around that island,” I said, staring down at the stream. “What’s going on? I’ve never been able to feel water before, and I still can’t really feel you.”
“According to Snow Berry, the barrier between the hidden world and ours is thin here. For heartmenders, it’s easier to feel the magic that flows through the world in ways we don’t expect. Even from here, I can feel through my hooves the deep magic that causes the plants to grow on the other side of the stream. So if you’re willing to step into the eventide realm, let’s go.”
Any time magic or spirits came up in my life, I felt vastly out of my depth. I was a pegasus. We did flying things. And while I was also a heartmender, anything dealing with magic that didn’t involve emotions was one of those fields I’d tried to relegate to unicorns. But Rhiannon apparently thought this would be good for me, so I took a step into the stream.
The icy water sent a shiver from my hooves up to the back of my neck.
“It’s cold!” I whined.
“I mean, it’s coming down from the underside of a glacier. I’m… not sure what you expected,” Rhiannon replied, clearly trying to suppress a chuckle as she crossed the stream.
I grumbled, then fluttered over the stream to the other side. The instant my hooves touched the loamy soil of the oak island, I started to sense that life was all around me. I didn’t have a good explanation. Just... most living things would give off emotional energy of some sort, and heartmenders would be able to feel that. What was weird was that the entire island was brimming with it!
Or rather... What felt strange was that I could feel the energy of things like the trees and the moss. It was honestly overwhelming.
“Why am things feel?” I stammered, struggling with the assault to my senses, dulled for the better part of the last three weeks. It was like when your limb had fallen asleep, and suddenly all the sensations would come back. At once. But instead of it being focussed on my right foreleg cause I was laying on it weird, it was my... everything!
“I told you, you’re in a place that exists between the material and the world of magic,” Rhiannon said. “For ponies like us, and other creatures that sense such things, this place will heighten your ability to feel that which is alive around you. But come along, Snow Berry’s home is just ahead,” Rhiannon said, leading me into the island’s grove.
The ring of oaks hid a massive, flowering cherry tree that reminded me of the Library Oak. Had the Cervydarians helped shape the library as well as this tree? The soft scent of cherry blossoms filled the air as Rhiannon knocked on the door. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something moving. I froze as I tried to catch a glimpse of whatever it had been, but blinked when it looked like nothing was there.
Reaching out with my senses, I felt the bubbly energy of… something. Whatever it was, it was laughing at me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
The door opened, revealing a white doe with pale blue eyes.
“Ah, Rhiannon! Welcome. This must be the young heartmender you told me about?” the doe asked, looking me up and down. “Please come on in!”
“Actually, I have a meeting with Solidarity and the Wolves that I need to get to, Snow. I was hoping you’d be able to talk with Threnody for a while?” Rhiannon asked.
My ears wilted as I got the distinct sensation that I was about to be foisted upon someone. I didn’t need a foalsitter… Bad thoughts, Threnody.
“I think I can look after one pegasus filly for the afternoon,” Snow Berry said with a delicate smile. “If anything, I’m sure she and I will have much to talk about.”
“Sorry for getting in the way of you doing your job, Rhiannon,” I said sheepishly. “I know you’ve been having to give me a lot of extra attention of late.”
Rhiannon shook her head. “No, it’s me who needs to apologize. I need to speak to Solidarity about that mysterious mare you brought here with you, and it can’t wait, unfortunately. Otherwise I would have loved staying here with you.”
“I promise that Autumn Harvest — my daughter — and I don’t bite,” Snow Berry added. “And I always love being able to chat with heartmenders. It’s been so long since Stable 9 has had a heartmender who was Cervydarian. But, as we are all one herd here, having any at all is a blessing.”
I nodded, bid Rhiannon farewell, and entered into Snow Berry’s home. Like the library oak, the cherry tree was hollow on the inside, but the heartwood appeared to be thriving, even after being shaped into a kitchen, a living area, and what appeared to be a second floor that grew in above us. I seriously needed to get someone to grow me a house. Sweet Luna.
“I just put on a kettle for tea. Would you like a cup?” Snow Berry asked. “You can take a seat over by the table by the way. And don’t mind Autumn, she’s busy playing house at the moment.”
I looked over toward a corner that was carved out beneath the cherry house’s stairwell, where a small spotted fawn with bright green eyes played quietly with a child-sized tea set. I felt myself smiling at the scene until I noticed that the fox she was ‘serving tea’ to was watching me. And that, seated opposite at the table, was the Dealer.
“The hell?!” I shouted, backing away slowly from the dusty old bastard. “What is he doing here?”
Snow Berry looked at me, then over at her daughter and Dealer. She let out a sigh.
“Autumn, is Huey playing cowpony again?” she asked.
The Dealer let out an ominous chuckle as Autumn looked at him, then nodded to her mother.
“Yep! He said it was cause he wanted to see if miss Threnody could still see him!” The fawn smiled warmly at me. “And it looks like she can! Yay!” She offered a hoof to Dealer, who returned the hoof bump.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
“So, uh, fun fact,” I stammered, “this guy’s some sort of all-powerful menace in my life and now you know that, uh, hell, are you okay with your daughter playing with him? And more importantly, why can both of you see him?” I asked, my calm having just taken critical damage.
“Because he’s one of the Hidden, and I am a shaman, as is my daughter,” Snow Berry explained calmly as if that was supposed to mean anything, setting down a teacup filled with a spicy scented tea. “What’s interesting to me is that you can see him, and Rhiannon cannot. I take it you can see Kajortoq as well?”
“She can see me,” the fox purred in a soft alto voice. “More’s the pity. I was hoping to observe her a while longer before I had to speak.”
“Can one of you explain what is going on?” I asked, looking between the fox and the doe, before pointing at Dealer. “Except you. No words from you. You just stay there and be creepy.”
“Well that’s a might unkind of ya, Threnody. An’ after all we been through!” Dealer said, putting a hoof over where his heart would have been if he wasn't a shrivelled up ghoul. Still, he sounded, in his own creepy way, wounded.
“Well, in that dead cowpony getup, you are a bit creepy looking, Huehuecoyotl,” the fox shot back. “But shush, let’s let Snow Berry say her piece before we butt in and scare the poor filly half to death.”
I glanced back at Snow Berry as the doe added two lumps of sugar and a splash of milk to my tea.
“Kajortoq and Huehuecoyotl are both spirits of the Hidden. You’ve met two other hidden spirits, though one I’m afraid is not themselves. Nanuk would likely feel a bit of shame for how he treated you and your friends, but his heart is still hurting after what the Great War did to the land,” Snow Berry explained. “And you also met Guardian, she who protects the forests. I thank you for helping her see that she needs to help the forest heal.”
“I… didn’t do anything.” I stammered. It felt super uncomfortable having credit for something that Guardian realised on her own being placed on my shoulders. Goddesses, as if I didn’t have enough problems!
“I just wanted my friend back, and… I think she took my empathy away from me. Before today, I thought I was going to be a heartmender who can’t heartmend!” I cried. “Now I don’t know what I am! And apparently I see spirits now! This was not something I could do before!”
“I can tell you that we did not take away your ability to see into the hearts of others,” the fox said, getting up from where she sat next to Autumn, slinking over to Snow Berry. “The Hidden do not censor like the Anima. We watch. We wait. We help if we can. We do nothing if we cannot. But we do not take what is not freely given. It is not our way.” The fox’s amber eyes burned into me as she coiled herself around Snow Berry’s neck.
“I... okay, so this is kind of a lot, but… Anima? Censored? I don’t know what these things mean. But you’re saying the reason I haven’t been able to feel things lately isn’t because of Guardian? That she didn’t take my empathy? Then… why can’t I feel?” I dug my hooves into my temples. “This doesn’t make any sense.”
“By working with the one called the Maiden of the Stars, you became spirit-touched,” the fox called Kajor-whatever said. “That you have tried to mend her heart has brought you the attention of both the Anima — the spirits of the physical world — and us, the Hidden, the spirits of the world between.” The fox explained. “This is not the first time a pony who has been in contact with the Maiden has been connected to the spirits in this way, but it is the first time that one of your kind has touched the Hidden. Normally the sons and daughters of magic do not sense us beyond a vague understanding of our presence, and even then only in a limited way. The fact that you can see us proves you are spirit-touched. That you touched us back is… highly unusual.”
“What Kajortoq is trying to say,” Snow Berry chimed in, “is that you’ve accidentally stumbled into something most ponies never see. Which I feel is why Rhiannon wished for me to speak with you. Though, for the sake of being candid, I am not sure how I feel about a spirit-touched pony heartmender. This feels wrong on several levels.”
Oh. Good. Not only was I an extremely fucked up pony, I was apparently a freakazoid as well! Fucking wonderful!
“Ah, but it’s good fun, isn’t it?” Dealer asked. I looked over at him, as his voice had lost its bone dry gravel for a more youthful tenor. “The whole bet with the Maiden of the Stars was brilliant! It still cracks me up that she managed to destroy the Eater of Souls!”
Kajortoq sighed from her perch around Snow Berry’s shoulders. “Huey, can you please change back to your normal form? I can’t take you seriously when you look like… him.”
The Dealer did something I didn’t think possible: he pouted. “Oh fine then. Be that way,” he said, before shifting in the blink of an eye to a small canid with mirthful yellow eyes. “Is this better?”
“Yay! You’re back to normal Huey!” Autumn exclaimed, throwing her forelegs around the doglike creature. “And it’s probably better this way, so Kaja doesn’t try to steal your tail like she did to Amaroq that one time!”
Snow Berry chuckled as Kajortoq lay her ears back. Tail theft? What? And just who the hell was Amaroq?
Not-Dealer tilted his head, before extricating himself from the fawn and giving a slight bow.
“Since my fun disguise has been so artfully ruined by my friends who have no sense of humour, I suppose proper introductions are in order. Alas, I am not the Dealer your friend Blackjack met, for I am not the spirit of the wasteland. Rather I am he who laughs and tricks and brings joy to those he likes and misery to those he does not. A conniving connoisseur of chaos and charm who colourfully cares and charismatically commits commendable crusades of cheer and cacophony to create cavalier new communities. Or quite simply you can call me Coyote. Or Huey, if you prefer.”
Well, the days of my life not being a clusterfuck were certainly coming to a middle.
“I… what?” I managed, staring at Coyote, or Huey, or whatever. “Why?”
Huey laughed. “Because it’s fun. Because you are fun, and because you have a delightfully chaotic energy about you that I don’t think you realise you possess. And if you’re asking why I chose to show up as the Dealer, well… because who doesn’t enjoy a bit of shenanigans in their life, and because I am a bit of an asshole.”
I couldn’t disagree with him on the last bit.
“You bring change to those around you. You do it in ways that others sometimes don’t expect. You try to do good. You’re also kind of an idiot,” he continued. “So when I realised you’d been spirit-touched by trying to help The Bigger Idiot, I figured you might need some… guidance. So congratulations! You are the lucky recipient of a spirit guide! Please do not resist.”
“Huey, she has no idea what you’re talking about,” Snow Berry muttered as Autumn giggled in the corner.
“Oh I’m aware. It’s much more fun this way.”
Snow Berry sighed, then nudged the teacup my way. “Your tea is getting cold,” she said, shaking her head and taking a sip of her own tea. “Let me try to explain.”
I took the nudged teacup and took a sip. Blech, lukewarm leaf juice. I let myself settle down across the table from Snow Berry as she began.
“Long before ponies ever walked this land, we walked with the spirits that lived here. We, Cervydarians, were the children of the forest, as our cousins the Buffalo were the children of the plains. We lived and thrived and understood that the physical world was shadowed by the hidden world — the world of the spirits. On some days, the spirits were able to pass through the cracks between worlds and walk with us. Our shamans were able to see them, learn from them, and become friends with them. This is the way it has always been.
“Then one day the Buffalo began to notice that there were two kinds of spirits: those that walked with us, and those that found themselves bound by rules of the material world. We asked them their names, and those that walked with us called themselves ‘the Hidden.’ Those that were bound by rules and laws called themselves ‘the Anima.’ The children of the forest found the ways of the Anima to be too fickle and confusing to deal with, and as such devoted their time to learning of the Hidden. The Zebras, in their homeland, bound themselves to the Anima. The Buffalo often walked the middle path between both. But to clarify, the spirits you have been encountering have all been Hidden. The ones Blackjack is accustomed to dealing with were the Anima. The difference is that the Anima come from this world and are tied to the material. The Hidden live in what we call the Hidden World,what some have speculated to be the source of all magic on Equus.”
“Okay, so… two kinds of spirits. I think I follow. I think I get that he...” I said pointing to Coyote, “isn’t the same Dealer that Blackjack dealt with. But I’m not sure I understand what spirit-touched means, and I definitely am not seeing the connection between that and me losing my empathy.”
Snow Berry chuckled. “I don’t think you, yourself, have completely lost your empathy for others, Threnody. Though your senses are dulled, that I figure would have more to do with your own internal turmoil than anything to do with Guardian or the other Hidden. When was the last time you tried to ground yourself and let the emotions of others go?”
“I-” I stopped, realising I wasn’t sure when the last time was. Oh fuck. I was the worst heartmender! “Uh…”
The doe clicked her tongue. “Mayhap your issues are related to well, you, and not intervention from those that seek to walk with you?”
I sheepishly took another sip of my tea to avoid answering what was clearly a rhetorical question. The tea was mildly sweet, but still tasted like hot leaf juice. Bleh.
“To answer your question about being spirit-touched, it means that because you’ve been around the Maiden of the Stars, your life has-”
“What it means,” Huey butted in, “is that you light up like a Hearth’s Warming Tree to us. Normally you ponies go about doing your magic and, well, you used to do the whole friendship thing but that sorta stopped when you blew up the world, but the point is normally you don’t bother us so we don’t see a point in contacting you. But you! You’re basically wearing a sign that says ‘I hang around cursed ponies and try to fix them!’, and since the last time that happened the Anima got to the pony first, I wanted to step in before they could.”
“Okay, but why?” I asked, not following. “Did something go wrong for the pony that talked with the Anima? Was it that bad?”
Huey rolled onto his back and started laughing, earning a glare from Snow Berry and Kajortoq.
“Let’s just say that the other friend of Blackjack who began to meddle with the Anima didn’t seem to understand that she was running around with a promissory note from step-mommy,” he said after a moment of composing himself. “But that’s a story for another time. I claimed you first, so the Anima will leave you alone. It’s like I licked you and now your mother will never take you back!”
"Took your sweet time, it's a bit late for that," I muttered darkly.
“There, there, it’s all better now! You’ll learn you can create your own family if your given family sucks. And now those weird spirits won’t bother you! Plus, you get your own spirit guide to occasionally pop in, offer advice, and remind you to unclench your fucking jaw.”
I blinked at him a moment, then realised I had been holding my jaw rather tightly. Owowowowow relaxation hurt!
“There, you see, I’m already providing useful guidance. Now just give me your soul and-”
“Huey,” Kajortoq growled. “I’m developing a hunger that only tails can satisfy.”
“Oh no.”
“So maybe stop being a creep and let Snow Berry handle this, okay?” the fox said, giving Coyote a lazy look.
Snow Berry serenely sipped her tea. “If you two are done?”
Kajortoq and Huey both lay back their ears and hushed themselves.
“Do you have any questions, Threnody? I realise that this has probably been a lot for you, and these two aren’t really helping,” Snow Berry said, shaking her head in mock disappointment.
To be honest, I was mostly just overwhelmed. Magic was already outside my comfort zone, so adding spirits into the mix was just making my head spin. Also my jaw hurt from me unclenching it, and honestly I would have killed for coffee and not tea.
“I… honestly don’t know what to even ask,” I admitted. “This is kind of a lot, and like… you’re so blasée about stuff that has honestly been freaking me out and making me think I’m losing it for the past few months.” Oh goddesses it had been months! “I-I don’t know.”
“To be blunt, you’d be blasée about it if you’d been born a Cervydarian, but-”
“But I’m just a dumb fucking pegasus, I get it! Nothing I haven’t heard before!” I snapped. Anger roiled underneath my hide as I prepared myself for the inevitable tirade that usually followed that ‘but.’
Yet Snow Berry remained silent, merely tilting her head at me.
“Language,” Huey chided.
Snow Berry raised an eyebrow, then got to her hooves. “Let’s walk through the grove.” she said, nodding toward the door. “Kajortoq, Huey, watch Autumn please.”
I shoved the angry maelstrom down and followed Snow Berry out of her home. I was beginning to feel real dumb because I’d just bitten someone’s head off by overreacting. But I’d gotten so accustomed to shit being flung my way that anyone pointing out I was a pegasus was a real sore spot for me.
“What I was going to say was that I understood how this could be overwhelming,” Snow Berry said as she led me down to the stream. “It’s for this reason that I’ve never attempted to explain the nature of the Hidden to Rhiannon, or any of the other ponies for that matter. Not that they aren’t curious, but rather that for many it is hard to believe in things they cannot see.” She gave me a sidelong glance. “However, the anger you felt trying to preempt what I was going to say? This I understand.”
I tilted my head to the side. “How so?”
“I have found that it is very easy to feel isolated when one feels like they are ‘the other’ in a group. And fawns and foals both have a propensity for cruelty that can cut very deeply,” she said, her eyes on the swiftly flowing water. “While the Cervydarians all feel a connection with the Hidden, not all of us can see them. If you think that didn’t make me feel out of place with my friends, or my peers for that matter, you’d be quite wrong.”
“Well, it’s not just that,” I admitted. “The Pegasi have been dicks out in the wasteland for generations now. I used to get crap for it all the time, even though I was born down here,” I spat bitterly. “I got all sorts of shit because ponies couldn’t understand that I’m not like that! That I have never even been to the Enclave, and that they’d probably see me as ‘impure’ because my mom is a unicorn. Like, I get it. I get their anger, and don’t blame them for it, but goddesses it sucks.”
“Ah, I see. So you dislike seeing the sins of others heaped upon you?”
I frowned. I wasn’t sure I would have put it that way, but it would be nice to not be judged for the fact that I had wings, and ponies who looked like me did terrible things.
“There’s a lot of things I wish I could change,” I said. “I… have the hope that if I had been born up there, I’d have the courage to be a Dashite. To stand up for what I believed in, even if it cost me everything. But… I also know that I didn’t grow up in the clouds. I just am a pegasus, and while that’s not the whole of me, it’s… often what others choose to see. And after a while, I’ve kinda gotten… callous, I guess? So if someone says I wouldn’t understand, I-”
I paused as I realised that being a pegasus wasn’t the only part of me that I had issues with… I felt like sometimes the only thing other ponies saw me as was a pegasus, or a heartmender. Heck, I’d gotten so used to being called ‘Heartmender’ that it really drove home that my talent was the only thing that mattered to those around me.
“I guess I don’t understand as well as I’d like to,” I admitted. “And I think I get kinda wrapped up in my own head a lot, which probably doesn’t help.”
Snow Berry clicked her tongue. “It sounds like you hold onto a lot of anger.”
I let out a bitter laugh.
“Oh, just a bit!”
“Perhaps you need to practice letting that go as well,” Snow Berry said bluntly. “I know that heartmenders often have a metaphor for the emotions they sense in others. What is yours?”
I cocked my head to the side.
“Uh, water? I guess?”
“Step into the stream. Then ground yourself. You mentioned that you have not practiced this in some time, yes?”
I hadn’t, but that water was fucking cold.
“I… but it’s cold!”
“If you wish to get your empathy back, step into the stream.”
Oh boy I love the stream! I love cold water! Anything to get my senses back! Sure, having my senses back would mean others could use me as their personal waste receptacle for their negative emotions, but at least I could feel it coming!
By the way did I mention the stream was really fucking cold!?
The water flowed around my hooves like icy tendrils. I focussed my mind on the fact that the frogs of my hooves were very, very upset with me.
“Focus on my voice,” Snow Berry said gently. “Now close your eyes, and I want you to picture a sieve at your pasterns. Then I want you to filter all those feelings you’ve been carrying through those sieves. Let them flow out if those emotions are not yours. Capture them if they belong to you.”
Grounding exercises are always a bit strange for heartmenders. There’s a mental component to it, as well as an emotional one. Honestly, it was kind of nice that Snow Berry was leading me through it, as I’d never been as good at it alone. Because we need to let go of the baggage of others. And… I’d been carrying a lot.
A lot, lot.
Images flashed through my mind as I let those feelings flow into the water. I spread my wings without thinking about it, helping me focus on what was mine and what wasn’t. Goddesses that was a lot of Blackjack I was holding onto.
“Now, I want you to shake those sieves, and let out the anger as well.”
Images of Fold flashed through my mind as I tried to let my anger with myself go. Flashes of ponies I’d failed. Flashes of sessions where I knew I could have helped more, but didn’t push enough with a client. Rage at the things that had happened to me. Irritation with Bubblegum for being such a huge doofus. Resentment of Sandalwood and the Heartmenders for making me handle so many things by myself. Vexation with myself because I couldn’t tell who I liked and who I didn’t and, goddesses, if kissing fillies didn’t fill me with annoyance with myself for liking it.
The water began to warm around me as I let things go. Then, it got hot. Really hot.
“Ow, ow, ow, ow!” I cried, fluttering up out of the water as it boiled around my hooves.
“Huh, I’d heard the expression of boiling with rage, but that’s the first time I’ve seen it in the literal,” Snow Berry quipped, bemusement dancing off of her like spring rain.
Wait. I could feel her amusement! It was still a little fuzzy, but I could feel things! Was this really all it took to fix me? Wow, I was terrible at taking care of myself!
“How did you know that I needed to ground myself?” I asked, shaking the water off of my hooves.
“Because I am a wise Cervydarian shaman, and I know things,” Snow Berry said stoically. Then she broke into a grin. “Nah, I’m messing with you. Since my people travelled a lot, we couldn’t hold our stories and lore in books and libraries, so we have an oral tradition for keeping community information. Shamans like me are tasked with knowing not only about the spirits, but about the spiritual wellbeing of our own. And we have our own heartmenders. Their practices work just like those of ponies.”
“Okay, but… how did you know that was my problem? That I hadn’t let go of things?” I asked, trying to figure out what she saw in me that I apparently didn’t.
“You are young. You are growing into an adult, but are not quite there yet. Adult ponies frequently forget that teenagers like you are far smarter than they give you credit for, and that you hold a lot more anxiety and worry than they remember. There are so many things you are learning to deal with as you grow, but often adults throw tasks at you that you aren’t ready for. Reminding you how to cope with your feelings in a healthy way is another thing they often forget. These are skills that take time and practice,” Snow Berry said. “No one is perfect at them, but the young often struggle. And you wear your emotions on your wings and in your ears much more than I think you realise.”
“I do?” I asked. “I… guess I didn’t see that.”
Snow Berry offered me a gentle smile.
“Most don’t, to be honest. Are you familiar with the concept of Johari’s Window?” As I shook my head, she continued, “it’s an explanation of how the self is seen. There are things about yourself that both you and others know. There are things you know about yourself that others don’t.” I winced at that one. “But there are also things that are hidden from you that others can see. It’s why we need friends in our lives. We need to be able to have them tell us what they see in us that we can’t or won’t.”
I swallowed. That sounded scary. I prided myself on thinking I knew myself well. But maybe it really was only just… thinking that I did?
“I don’t know if I like that. What if something they say about me hurts? Something I haven’t prepared for?” I asked, honestly unsure of how to handle this thought.
“Then ask yourself why does it hurt? Is it because you worry it’s true? Or because you’re afraid to accept a good thing about yourself?”
I glared at the doe as it felt like she was peering deep into my soul.
“How-”
“Tell you a secret, Threnody,” Snow Berry said, gesturing for me to come closer. When I cautiously trotted over, she whispered in my ear: “I was a teenager once, too.”
I lay my ears back in annoyance. That… was an answer, but not the one that I wanted.
“That feels kinda condescending.”
“Teens don’t tend to like the truth,” Snow Berry replied with a shrug. “To be fair, most adults don’t either. And a lot of people struggle with the idea that there can be good inside of themselves.”
“I just… it’s easier to see the ugly in me, I guess.”
Snow Berry’s face fell.
“It often is easier to see our flaws,” she said, “than that which makes us shine to others. You’re a heartmender, and my guess is that you criticise yourself a lot more than you like to admit, hmm?”
I winced, and nodded in agreement.
“Well, and like… I haven’t been all that great to my friends over the last few days. Enough that they told me that I needed to fix me,” I admitted.
“Healing is a process. You know that better than anyone. But it can be hard to turn that light you give to others as a heartmender on yourself. Cleaning someone else’s home is easier than cleaning your own.”
“Well, that’s because heartmending is for other people. They get all the benefits of it, and I just deal with the fact that I was basically groomed from birth into this cursed talent. They get all the cool stuff.” I spat bitterly. “Kinda like bodily autonomy. That’s not something I need, right?”
Snow Berry weathered that emotional storm with the grace she’d weathered my earlier snapping, but furrowed her brow.
“You may want to talk about that with Rhiannon,” she said softly. “I’m not a heartmender, but you do very much need that. There’s a lot of things that you likely need and, were I a betting deer, I would wager that you’ve been deprived of those for far too long. But that’s a conversation for another time. I see that I’ve spoken her name and she appears,” she said with a chuckle.
Rhiannon waved to us from across the stream.
Snow Berry lightly, ever so lightly put her delicate, cloven hoof on my right foreleg.
“Talk to her about it. It will help.”
Call me Applejack, cause I drank cider and learned nothing from that trip to Snow Berry. Maybe I was actually getting something out of those old friendship journals after all!
Okay, no that’s not quite right. I learned I needed to take better care of myself, and that my friends were annoying nerds that sometimes saw good things in me. But talk to Rhiannon about my damage? Hah, no. How about no.
I did have one friend, though, that I trusted to at least tell it to me straight. Or at least, I hoped we were friends. I hadn’t properly spoken to him since Blackjack got hurt, so the next day, I made a point of seeing Bubblegum.
T-minus 12 days
It didn’t take much convincing for Rhiannon to let me go seek out Bubblegum. I knew that he’d been staying outside the stable with the Wolves for whatever reason. So I made my way out of the long tunnel that led to the basement of the ski lodge hidding Stable 9’s entrance.
Pushing my way out of the dusty lobby of the old lodge, I broke into the brilliant morning sunshine.
Crash!Bang! Crunch!
Oh, that sounded good.
I trotted around the corner, to find Bubblegum sparring with one of the Wolves. He wasn’t wearing anything, while the Wolf he fought wore full power armour. I winced as the Wolf charged in, only for Bubblegum to grab them by the foreleg, roll onto his back, and throw the poor pony over his shoulder. The power-armoured pony hit a nearby tree with a metallic clang, crumpling in a heap at the base of the tree. Their armour sparked and glowed as the repair talisman kicked in.
“Oh shit, I am so sorry, Lettuce Leaf!” Bubblegum said, getting off of his back. His glorious, well-muscled back.
The Wolf opened his helmet, revealing an earth pony with a chartreuse coat and a two-toned dark green mane that really did make me think of lettuce.
“Nah, it’s all good man. That was a great throw! I didn’t think you’d be able to lift me while I was in my armour like that! That was sick!” the young stallion said, laughing as he got to his hooves. He had a cute face that was helped by a small green snip at the end of his nose that was kind of adorable. “Honestly though, I am so glad you’re up for sparring. I know my CQB skills are terrible, and if I wanna protect the Stable, I gotta get better.”
“Oh yeah, no problem! Just glad you’re not hurt, dude,” Bubblegum replied, trotting over to brohoof the Wolf. “Plus sometimes it takes the edge off, ya know?”
“Oh definitely!”
A series of loud hoofsteps behind me startled me out of watching the boys do their thing. Even with my senses dulled, I could tell that the mare who trotted past me with all the subtlety of a tornado was not thrilled with Bubblegum. Uh, oh.
“Wastelander. Are you beating up my boys again?” Captain Pacific Rose barked, causing Lettuce Leaf to snap to attention.
Bubblegum gave her an easy smile. “Nah, we’re just sparring ma’am. They’re good, but I’m glad they use their armour. I might actually hurt them if they didn’t.”
“You calling my Wolves weak?”
“Look, I’m a big guy. These cannons are hard to control,” he smirked, stamping one of his back legs, sending a shock through the ground and a quiver through my… oh my…
“Hard to control, huh?” Captain Rose snorted, before darting toward Bubbles. “Then spar with me, young buck!”
“Oh shit.” Bubbles said before ducking into a defensive posture as Captain Rose barrelled down on him.
He dodged a few of her hoofstrikes, and got one or two of his own in before she grabbed him around the barrel and fucking threw him a solid three meters into the air. He landed on his belly with a loud ‘OOF’, and then had the most curious expression on his face before apparently deciding that discretion was the better part of valor.
“Just remember to mind what you do with a Wolf’s pups, kiddo,” Captain Rose said, wiping a small bit of sweat from her brow. “And you can relax, Leaf. Goddesses, y’all’re an awkward bunch.”
Lettuce Leaf just smiled blandly as Captain Rose shook her head and walked back towards me, a small smile on her muzzle. Amusement continued to bubble around the corner of the ski lodge she disappeared behind.
“You okay there, Bubblegum?” Lettuce Leaf asked after Rose was out of earshot.
“Oh just, you know, digging a well. If you catch my drift.”
Digging a well?
“Oh yeah, I think we’ve all had that after a session with Captain Rose. I’m pretty sure I’ve bruised myself a few times. Thank the goddesses for armour though!” the Wolf said with a chuckle.
“Yeah, bucko, you laugh it up. Give me a minute to stop trying to forge my way all the way to Zebrica,” Bubblegum muttered. “Damn though, that mare.”
Oh goddesses they were talking about penises! My brain helpfully informed me, making me wish I could forget the past few moments.
“Yeah, she can toss my salad at any time,” Lettuce Leaf said, chuckling. “Though I mean you could too~” he teased, before glancing over and blushing slightly as he realised I was there. “Oh hey there, little missy!”
Bubblegum turned and looked at me. “Oh, hey, Thren. I, uh-”
“You need a minute. Nah, it’s good. A minute is good. You can stay, uh… laying down,” I begged quietly, trotting over and sitting down next to him. “Please stay laying down.”
Stallions. Why are they?
“So, uh, what’s up, Thren?” Bubblegum asked. “Not that like, seeing you isn’t good, but I ain’t see you in a few days. Everything okay?”
“Uh, well, I was wondering if you’ve got a minute. But by a minute I mean a minute after the minute you’re currently needing,” I stammered, feeling my cheeks warm.
Lettuce Leaf snorted, then started trotting toward the Stable entrance. “I’ll let you two chat. Thanks for the sparring session though, Bubbles. Tomorrow?”
“Yeah, sounds good, Leaf. Thanks again!” Bubbles said, waving his right foreleg without getting up.
He and I shared a long, awkward glance.
“So, uh, how long…?”
“It’s… let’s just chat here. Cause while I’m sufficiently rooted at the moment, uh, I’m pretty sure you’re not here to discuss my елда status,” he replied with a chuckle.
I wasn’t even sure how to pronounce what he’d said. “What… does that even mean?”
“Oh! It was a word that one of the Wolves taught me. Apparently a few of them and the stable dwellers speak the language they speak up in Stalliongrad. It means like… arch-cock or something. Uber penis. Maximum over-dick.”
I lay my ears back.
“I… really didn’t need to know that, Bubbles.”
“Hey you like fancy learning and new words, right? Add елда to your vocabulary! It’ll be fun!”
I lightly punched him on the shoulder.
“Asshole.”
“You know you love it,” he said with a smile, before taking on a serious expression. “Though, uh, seriously, what’s up? You don’t really come to me for anything and, uh… we haven’t really, you know, talked talked since.... uh…” he trailed off, looking slightly embarrassed. A slight bit of shame also oozed off of him in an oily trickle. “What I’m saying is that aside from really weird conversations over pancakes and trauma, we’ve sorta not really had a chat about… ya know?”
I frowned as I let the Hellhound in the room sit for a moment.
“Yeah, I kinda wanted to talk to you about… well, that, and to get your opinion on something,” I admitted.
“My opinion? Okay that’s new and slightly alarming.”
I felt my ears droop. “I- look,” I started, frowning. “You’ve always been the one friend I have that would tell it to me straight, even if it hurts. You did it back in Fold, and you’ve called me out on stuff in the past. Even if I’m a grump about it in the moment, I really have appreciated that about you.”
Bubblegum blinked at me.
“Okay, back that up. You consider me a friend? Not just the hot guy that keeps you safe?”
“I meant what I said, Bubbles. And I’m not just saying that cause I’m pretty sure that it’s illegal to say otherwise in Stable 9.”
That drew a chuckle out of him.
“Alright well, that’s actually kinda good to know,” he admitted. “I was thinking you were gonna come here and berate me for what happened to Blackjack!”
I shook my head.
“Bubblegum, that… forest is wrong. On like, so many levels for so many reasons. What happened there wasn’t really anyone’s fault, and for all I know, Blackjack probably had it coming.”
“I mean, she did,” he said darkly. Calm waters began to blacken and churn.
I narrowed my eyes as I looked at him.
“Can you like… get into that? Like,” I held up a hoof as he started to speak. “No like, seriously. I get the impression that you were around the Hoof when she was around. You’ve already said you were around back then, but your hate? That’s… fucking personal.”
Instead of answering, Bubblegum stood up, bringing a bit of sod with him.
“Ah shit, look away a minute, Thren,” he said.
I did so in order to avoid learning more about his anatomy than I wanted. Which was weird, because my brain seemed to indicate that’s precisely where I should be directing my attention. Ack!
“Come with me, I… I’ll get into it, but not like… in the middle of the sparring field.” he said, walking to the tree that he’d thrown Lettuce Leaf into and picked up a pair of saddlebags laid at its base opposite where the young Wolf had landed.
I followed Bubblegum around the grounds outside of the stable, until we came to a small chapel that overlooked a field of graves.
“You ever like, sit and read headstones?” he asked, staring down at one that was dated for sometime before Princess Luna came back from the moon.
“Um, not really,” I admitted. “Graveyards kinda… aren’t go-to hangouts. Though they are usually quiet. Might be a good place to read.”
He tilted his head to the side, thinking a moment. “Yeah, it might be that,” he admitted, before shaking his head. “I just… I have a lot of names in my head. A lot of good ponies who weren’t lucky like me. Who didn’t make it out of the Hoof.”
Sorrow, anger, and hatred flowed between us like a deluge down a dry canyon.
“I hate her, Threnody. I hate her so much because of what she did and who she took from me. And I bet she doesn’t even know their names,” he spat.
I didn’t know what to say. That wound was so deep and so old, it hurt to think about. I looked up into Bubblegum’s eyes, and for the first time, I could see the emotional burn scars that Slate had told me had nested back there. So I just nodded.
He nodded back, then chuckled.
“I… thank you for not trying to say anything.”
“Why?” I asked, confused.
He shrugged. “Look dude, there’s not a lot you can say. Like… yeah, I could probably see a heartmender and work on this. But like, I am so very, very afraid of forgetting their names. After the battle, a lot of my friends were dead or adopted by survivors. But not me. I was alone. So fucking alone, and it was her fault.” Bubblegum closed his eyes and sighed. “And damnit, she hit so close to home when she kept bringing up me being all alone back at my shack. I think she knew I knew who she was, and that she was the real Security. But for some goddesses damned reason, she poked me to bring me along. I danced to her fucking tune and I don’t know why!”
He sat back on his haunches and threw up his hooves in frustration.
“But apparently I’m the kind of dumbass that follows a group of fillies out into the wasteland cause one of them that I really hate reminds me that one of the few things I hate worse is being alone!” he snorted. “Fuck, maybe I do need to talk about this shit.”
“I’m kinda obligated by virtue of my talent to point out that it can help, but… I get holding onto things,” I admitted.
“No, I wouldn’t’ve guessed that, Threnody,” he said, skewing an ear to the side, his expression snarky. “I just… it is funny cause you wanted to talk to me about something and now here I’ve talked your ear off.”
“I don’t mind,” I said, and I meant it. “Bubbles, like I said, I think of you as a friend, but as was pointed out to me rather bluntly earlier this week by Puddle and Glitter, I’ve been kind of a terrible one in return. I’ve been meaning to ask you about why you hate Blackjack for a while. I just… my to-do list is… erm.”
“Kinda ridiculous, huge, and that’s just your issues, and not everyone else's?”
“... I didn’t want to put it like that but yeah, kinda.”
“So, to mirror Puddle and Glitter, yeah, you’ve not… been a great friend.” My ears wilted at the truth. “But that you’re working on it kinda means a lot to me. Like, I’ll be real: I didn’t think you considered me a friend. Just the guy with a gun and an ass that doesn’t quit.”
I blushed hard at his last remark.
“Look, I’ve caught you staring!” Bubblegum teased, but then his expression softened. “I also kinda get the impression you’re not really sure what you want or who you want, so I take it as a compliment and move on. Which is why I’ve tried to keep hanging out with Glitter and helping her with her stuff. Yes, she has stuff too.”
“Damnit.”
Bubblegum shook his head.
“Look, you need to work your own to-do list before you work on ours. And definitely before you can help Blackjack. If she ever wakes up,” Bubblegum said with a sour expression. “I am… is it weird I feel a bit ashamed for that, despite me wanting to do it for years?”
“I think it’s kinda normal, Bubblegum. I don’t know what you want me to tell you. Revenge is an emotion like any other, but, uh, it’s sticky, and gross, and has a lot more complicated bits to it that can make it hard to sort out.”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” he replied. “I… hmm. I guess I do have a lot of stuff I need to get sorted. I’d take up on Rhiannon’s offer to talk to Mr. Vetiver, but…” He trailed off and looked uncomfortable.
“But what?”
Bubblegum hung his head. “I’d have to go inside the stable,” he whispered. At my confused expression, he sighed. “Okay, so I know you had a question that you wanted to ask me about, but, uh… you’re giving me a look like you wanna know what’s up with me now.”
“I mean, kinda,” I admitted. “You were offered a place to stay, you can visit the canteen, and while school sucks like… Glitter mentioned you kinda won’t stay in the Stable. And I wanted to know what’s up with that.”
Bubblegum sighed.
“Okay, get comfy and let me tell you about a nightmare of mine. I have it a lot, and maybe it’ll explain a few things…”
Bubblegum’s Bad Nights
Harsh electric lights buzz, stabbing their sharp glare through my eyes. Instantly, I know where I am, and what little bits of my mind that are still active recoil in horror.
I know where I am.
More importantly I know when I am, and I am no more enthusiastic about the coming horror than I had ever been before. Such a plague on my sleep.
Right on cue, the alarm on my bedside table begins beeping its irritatingly shrill morning serenade at me. Simultaneously comes a deep, terrifying rumble and I bolt upright in bed, sheets flying and my long mane and tail swirling about me. Another rumble, closer and much louder, drowns out the alarm’s wail. I reflexively slam the silence button.
The worst part of the nightmare is how powerless I was to do anything but watch it unfold as it did back then. As it did so, so many nights after.
The pneumatic door hisses open and there are my parents, colorless and indistinct. I was too young when I lost them; I don’t remember their names, their colors, or their voices. All I remember is being ushered out of our rooms and into the main atrium. I can’t possibly know it at the time, but looking back through the faded murk of this nightmare on a regular basis allows me to understand what happened. Those rumbles are explosives. The foundations are being blown out; the mountain above the stable is caving in. Catastrophic structural failures send low moans, cracks and roars of shearing metal, fracturing rock and disintegrating concrete through the walls. Another rumble, another explosion, and all the ponies around me scream or duck in fear.
Why do I always remember the screaming? I can remember the screaming and the explosions and the-
The tortured shriek of bending metal hisses from the passageway behind us. I turn my head just in time to see part of the access hallway — the metal and piping kept immaculate by the maintenance crew — suddenly collapse–
Blood.
Right onto a group of fleeing ponies. Garbled screams, fear, a cacophony of hideous cries. Death and pain press on at my back.
My vision becomes obscured as somepony places a hoof over my eyes. Not that it helps. The streaks of blood and worse are seared indelibly into my memory as soon as I see them. I hear bodies burst wetly from the crushing force hammering down on them.
I always remember the sounds.
But never the names. Or the faces. Or even their colors.
Just shades of crimson on metal gray. Terror and blood.
A loud grinding noise draws my terrified gaze back to the front, and the gathered ponies all lend their voices to a vast, collective noise of hope as the massive cog-shaped door begins to grind out of its housing. The grinding grows louder and louder until the door finally pulls from the closed position and almost immediately tears free of its mechanisms.
It slams into the ground with such force that another weakened hallway behind us collapses from the impact. Dust billows from behind the door, the first breath of the outside world that any of us had experienced.
Coughing echoes around me as ponies do their best to shield themselves from the debris. Luckily, the vents were still operating. Whatever was going on had missed the engineering section and the reactor. With their ever-present humming through meters of stone and metal, the air filters work to clear the air, and the thinning dust reveals a picture that nopony wants to see.
Rubble.
Massive boulders block the doorway before us, and the hope from earlier morphs into despair. Ponies fall to the ground and weep, and I almost join them before a stallion from the security office appears. In the soft glow of his magic is a bundle of grenades, likely the entire stock of explosives still accessible after the collapse of the hallways.
I hide my face against one of my parents as the security pony rigs a last-ditch attempt to free everyone trapped inside. Everypony takes cover from the ensuing blast, and the detonation of the explosives causes another distant rumbling from deeper in the stable. The blast wave throws even more dust into the air, and the rubble blocking the doorway clacks and rumbles as it resettles after the blast.
One of the vents has stopped working, but the other works to clear the air as quickly as it can. Before we can see its effect, a billowing nimbus of dust from an outside breeze pulls a couple of worn-out cheers from the emotionally-whiplashed ponies. Almost as a single entity the survivors surge towards the exit only to find that while a hole had been formed as the rubble resettled, it wasn’t nearly large enough for a pony to fit through.
Only big enough for a small colt, right?
“It’s only big enough for a foal!” came a voice from the assembled mob.
A few ponies begin digging at the insurmountable mass of rock barring their way to freedom, but behind their hearty efforts, I could almost smell their dread. Even as young as I was, it’s almost like I knew this place would be their tomb.
I look to my parents who had already begun to gather whatever resources they could find stuffing them into a saddlebag that soon found itself tied to my back. I, young as I am, simply whimper and cry as my parents start to say goodbye to me and I try, in vain, to sear them into my memory.
We’re interrupted. Another blast finally either kills the generator or cuts the lines from the engineering section to the door. The lights all go out and the one remaining vent sputters to a halt. Then, true silence. One that the stable dwellers have never experienced before. True darkness, as the whole room collectively holds their breath.
It only lasts a moment before panic settles in and my parents begin to move towards the doorway. Raised voices open a pathway through the throng of panicked ponies, and my small frame is all but forcefully jammed into the gap in the rocks. Jagged protrusions of stone rip at my coat and I whimper in pain as I’m pushed from behind. Muffled voices follow me as I try to pull myself through, but with everything that’s happening the only thing I remember is the cold stone crushing down against me.
Soon, I move far enough that I can’t feel anypony pushing me anymore. The only headway I can make is through my own wiggling.
And then my forward momentum comes to a halt.
At first it feels like something’s grabbed my hoof, but a panicked flick of the limb in question reveals it’s moving freely enough. I try to move forward again but find that the passageway is just narrow enough that my saddlebag has jammed itself against the roof of the tunnel, blocking my progress. I whimper and flail about for several agonizing seconds before I start to cry. Alone, trapped in the darkness of a massive mound of rubble, I know I ain’t going to make it.
The air around me feels just as crushing as the rubble on my back, and I can hardly breathe. Did the rubble resettle? Am I just crawling to a dead end anyway? My heart hammers in my chest as my body instinctively attempts to defy its own demise and I thrash my hooves around against the rock. Suddenly the quick, gruesome deaths of the ponies crushed by the falling stable seems like the better way to go.
And ponies wonder why I don’t like being underground.
I hear the quiet grinding sound of stone-on-stone next to my head and I fearfully look up at it. A single glowing eye stares back. Before I can even take a breath for my inevitable scream of horror, another rock opens to reveal an eye. Then another. Then another and another and another until the entire tunnel is lined with glowing eyes of a myriad colors. What?! No. No, no, no. Not this damn thing again! NO!
A soft, discordant hymn begins to fill the air as mouths begin to grow from tendrils of flesh that stretch between the eyes, surrounding me with grotesque facsimiles of pony faces. I can feel them trying to coax me into singing with them, a wordless dirge of misery and anguish rising to my lips, and it takes every last bit of my willpower to keep my mouth shut. I somehow know that if I start, I won’t be able to stop.
Unable to escape, I did the only thing I could. I tuck my chin and cover my head with my hooves. Eyes shut tightly, I curl up as best I can and wait for my inevitable end.
That damned thing shouldn’t even be here! I’m hundreds of miles from there!
It seems like a small eternity, but my refusal to join their song eventually causes the horrifying presence to grow bored and, like somepony has thrown a switch, I am back in the darkness and silence once more. Quivering, I raise my hooves from my eyes and look around. The eyes and faces are gone, and my thrashing must have jostled around the bag enough to let me slip through. Still riding the blast of adrenaline, I push forward as quickly as I can. One hoof, then the other. The jagged tunnel of stone rips and tears at my jumpsuit, my coat, and the skin underneath.
Step after step, hoof after hoof, I move forward. Small whiffs of cool air keep me convinced that I’m not just crawling to my death. No longer trapped, the adrenaline rush begins to fade and is replaced by a mounting weariness. In the stable, I was stronger, faster, and tougher than the other colts. Even though they were all older than me by at least a couple of years. Even so, my hooves start to tremble as I drag myself further. I had a fleeting idea of just resting where I lay, but the thought that the rubble around me could move again and trap me once more kept me moving.
Especially since there were still explosives going off in the mountain.
I am so focussed on moving forward that I nearly kill myself as my front hooves meet open air and I dip towards emptiness. My hind legs snap out to the sides of the stone gullet just in time to prevent me from falling to my death.
I find myself such an alarming distance from the ground that I can’t even see it, sticking out of a nearly sheer cliff face. What a sad joke that would’ve been. To escape a collapsed mountain only to fall and break my neck immediately upon getting to open air.
Realizing that I’m now looking out onto the surface world, I gaze around for any kind of light. Surely there was something! Even though my eyes had adjusted as much as they could while I was in the tunnel, I still couldn’t make out anything useful.
Nighttime in the wastes, and I’m stuck in a wall. Not a good start.
This is just unfair! I already lost everything, everyone, been scared and scarred by what I have experienced, and now I’m just trapped halfway in a cliff? I can’t even back up because there’s nothing for my front hooves to push against! Angry, frustrated, and powerless, I did what any young colt would do.
I threw a tantrum.
Good thing I did, too.
While my hind legs remain jammed in the opening, keeping me from sliding out, I begin to yell, cry, scream, and bash my forehooves into the stone around me until I go hoarse and my hooves are bleeding. Even with all that I’m still furious, but the pain brings me back to earth again and I go mostly limp as I try to calm down. Deep breaths. Maybe if I move just right I can throw myself backwards into the hole so I don’t have to worry about falling, and then I can–
“Hello?”
The sound of another pony’s voice shocks me enough that I nearly fall out of the mountain. On the heels of that shock comes a painfully bright flare of hope in my chest.
“H-hello? Is somepony out there?” I call back, though now my voice is messed up and it comes out much quieter than I wanted. Still, in the quiet of a wasteland night, it was enough.
The glare of a small flashlight momentarily blinds me as somepony points it up at me, and I raise my hooves to blot out the sudden light.
“How did you get stuck all the way up there?” the voice asked. The cone of illumination slides off me and I lower my hooves to look down at the pony that found me.
Ponies, actually. Three of them. All… quite small, even at this distance. And all wearing the same strange red capes. My saviors are three fillies. One of them even has a little bear plushie perched on her back.
I don’t remember that...
“We should get him down before he falls!” a different one says, her voice high enough to almost be grating.
“Yeah, but how?” replies the first, who seems to be the leader.
“How about a net?” chimes in the third, speaking slowly.
“I don’t think that’d work. He’d just splat through it into little cubes!”
“I don’t think that’s how–”
“What about a trampoline! Then he’d just bounce around a lot!”
“Ooh! That sounds like a great idea!”
The three of them put their heads together and begin to speak in a quieter manner, leaving me hanging. Literally. Finally, they all spring into the air with a combined shout of “Cutie Mark Crusader colt rescuers!” before simply spinning on their hooves and running off into the darkness.
I blink.
And wake up.
“The fucking weird part is,” Bubblegum said, as he finished his story, “that I seriously do not remember any of my Crusader saviors as having a bear.”
“Trampoline,” I muttered softly. “Why do I remember a trampoline?”
Bubblegum tilted his head at me.
“Excuse me, what?” he said.
“Bubblegum, were you having that dream the night before we went into the Red Forest? The night I woke up all, like, covered in blood and stuff?”
Bubblegum frowned.
“I- Maybe? I have it pretty frequently. Why do you ask?”
“Because ever since that night, I’ve been getting flashes of things I shouldn’t know. Like, for example, Miss Lunar — you know, the mare who runs the library? —, well, I saw her die in a dream before I even met her. And I don’t know why. Or like, I have this feeling that if I ask Glitter about it, she’d get real sad about why she hates the word ‘monster.’ It’s… just super weird,” I admitted.
Bubblegum’s expression blanked.
“How did you know about the monster thing? She’s only ever told me about that.”
“I… I don’t know!” I cried. “I have bits and pieces of memories from that night, and a lot of them don’t seem to be mine. You mentioning the trampoline made me remember I’ve seen the screaming eye thingy before. But I don’t know why.”
“Did you have a weird dream that night?” Bubblegum asked. “Like… something odd?”
“I dreamed I got dragged up to Seaddle and had to go on a date with Peculiar,” I said, my stomach twisting in knots just thinking about it. “We had to go to a carnival. It was the worst.” I paused. “But there was a bear in that too. What the hell?”
“Dude I am not the one to ask,” Bubblegum said. “I just tried to share a bit of my damage, not accidentally unlock yours too.”
I frowned.
“No, that — I understand that, Bubbles. I am just… really confused about why I am feeling everything you just described so strongly.”
“Some heartmendery thing?”
“I don’t think so,” I admitted, shaking my head. “Feeling another pony’s emotions is one thing. I felt like I was there. In your dream, Puddle’s dream, and in Glitter’s. But I only remember bits and pieces of them and it’s… I need a unicorn.”
Bubblegum quirked his eyebrows up.
“Like, a hot one or…?”
I punched his shoulder.
“No, somepony who understands magic. This… Blackjack and I talked about it in Fold. Peculiar had something off about him, and I always wondered if he didn’t have some sort of weird mind control magic.”
“Well, that’s something horrible to think about,” Bubblegum deadpanned. “I do not want to think about that freakshow rummaging around in my head. There’re load-bearing neuroses in there.”
I snorted, then started laughing. I knew that Bubblegum was fairly smart, but him saying ‘load-bearing neuroses’ had me in stitches.
“Just saying!” Bubblegum said with a grin. “I have that stuff all organized just how I like so I can avoid them.”
“I… That is completely understandable. I’d rather ponies not go through my mental closet, either.”
“Filly, you live in that closet.”
“I do not!”
Bubblegum rolled his eyes at me.
“Yeah, okay. You keep telling yourself that. Anyways, since we’re actually talking again, what did you actually want to talk to me about?”
I spent the next few minutes telling him about my talk with Snow Berry, and with Huey. It felt so strange talking about the day before, but I really needed someone to know I was seeing stuff and actually wasn’t crazy. I just sorta wished I was.
“Are we all gonna have this sort of weird shit happen cause we hang out with Blackjack?” Bubblegum asked. “Cause this seems her tier of universal bullshit, not gonna lie.”
“I have no idea,” I said, burying my face in my hooves. “I- just, thank you for listening.”
“I mean, I’m a little jealous. Seeing talking coyotes sounds really cool. At least when they’re not being creepy motherfuckers,” Bubblegum admitted. “But, maybe that’s me not wanting to be alone all the time.”
My ears drooped before I replied, “I… guess I hadn’t thought of it that way. But I don’t know if being spirit-touched is a good thing or not. Besides, I’m not really sure you’d have Huey show up. There was another Hidden there with Snow Berry. Kajortoq was her name. I think she was Snow Berry’s spirit guide.”
“That would be correct! That vexing vixen is Snow Berry’s very own guide!” Huey’s voice said on cue as he popped up from behind Bubblegum and sat on the stallion’s back. “As nice as Bubblegum is, he’d already have met a guide of his own, was he spirit-touched like you. Though, I know of a Hidden that would probably talk to him if he ever decides he wants his life to get extra weird, like the kiddies say these days.”
Bubblegum gave me a weird expression.
“Uh, you kinda trailed off, Threnody. Are you okay?”
I shook myself. “Sorry, Huey decided to show up. And he said that he liked me and that I get to deal with him.” Huey stuck his tongue out at me. “But he also said if you’d been spirit-touched, there is a Hidden who would talk to you.”
“Oh?” Bubblegum perked up. “Who?” He then looked sad. “Sorry, that sounded pathetically desperate.”
Huey’s eyes glowed a moment, then he spoke.
“We are all lonely a lot, Bubbles of Gum,” he said quietly. “While we, Hidden, exist in the world of magic, in truth, the world where we came from has long ended. It has been dead for a long time. And so, oh how so many of us long to be seen and remembered. For our stories to be told again.”
Bubblegum stared at where Huey appeared.
“I… Coyote?” he asked.
“In the spirit,” Huey said. “Wew, I forgot how sapping that is to show myself to others.” he shook his head, his amber eyes boring into Bubblegum. “But if someday you wish to walk with us, the Hidden will walk with you. I am sure old Susy would like that.”
“Susy?” Bubblegum and I asked at the same time.
“Susanoo. The Hidden of Storms. I think he’d get on quite well with you, Bubblegum. You both carry a lot of regret for your actions born of the gathering wrath within you.” Huey chuckled. “But that’s a story for another time. Toodles!” he said, before vanishing in a shower of glitter.
Bubblegum stared at where Huey had been, before turning back to me.
“Okay, yep. Grade A Blackjack Levels of Fucking Weird.”
“You know, I don’t think I’d trade the world for it though,” I admitted.
“Yeah, me neither,” Bubblegum said softly. “Hey, Threnody?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for talking to me. I think… we both kinda needed it.”
“No Problem, Bubblegum. Thanks for talking to me, too!”
Ah, yes. My favourite. Like a ramen bowl made with drama noodles.
T-minus 9 Days
I supposed — later — that the previous two days had been… tolerable. This was after Rhiannon had forced me to wake up at the hour of Celestia’s Shining Butthole for school. But at least she’d told me that I didn’t need to go. I still did, because I sometimes found myself frustratingly desirous of the praise of others, and Rhiannon was rapidly becoming a pony I didn’t want to disappoint.
That didn’t mean that I enjoyed school, however. It was… frequently boring and often infuriating.
That said, I found I liked the Equestrian History lessons, and I was actually fairly good at it! Raising my hoof to consistently answer questions correctly gave me a sort of pride that made me feel that all my hours reading weren’t a complete waste. The fire that flushed through my cheeks and ears at calling attention to myself seemed to burn with less ferocity each time I did it, too. So that was nice.
I accidentally formed a rivalry with one of the fillies in class named Mercury Vapour, though. She was a shy earth pony, but her knowledge of biology brought her out of her shell! The problem was, she knew so much about biology that she had the audacity to correct me on occasion. Me! The wonder filly who'd just, if only barely, passed her medic’s certification with the Followers!
“Why are you always scowly when Mercury gets called on, Threnody?” Emerald asked me during lunch. I’d used some of my own caps to buy Emerald, Sour, and Balmy lunch because I needed to be away from school awhile, and they were the only ones free. Puddle had a club meeting, and Glitter and Bubblegum were having lunch with Glitter’s younger classmates on a field trip into, well, the stable apple orchard.
I grit my teeth slightly before angrily taking a bite of pancake. “Okay, so she keeps correcting me,” I grumbled, “and like, that’s not a bad thing, but she does it in this way that is like she knows everything and it gets on my nerves. Now I see her do anything and it just… bothers me.”
Sour chuckled before nodding sagely. “Ah, the bitch eating snack cakes response.”
“Th-the what?” Balmy asked, tilting his head as he glanced at the white pegasus. “What does that even mean, Sour?”
“Oh, sometimes you meet someone you just don’t get along with. There’s something about them that bothers you. It eventually grows in frustration until you find yourself watching them do something completely benign and it will tilt you off.” Sour waved a wing dismissively as she lifted up her sandwich. “Like, 'look at that bitch eating snack cakes over there like she owns the place'.”
“Mr. Solidarity isn’t gonna put me in friendship jail for not liking someone, right?” I asked, looking around like the intrepid Constable was gonna show up and put me in hoofcuffs for crimes against friendship.
Emerald furrowed her brows as she gave me a confused look.
“Uh, no? Getting along in here is important, but having your own thoughts and feelings isn’t illegal,” she explained. “What, did you think we actually had a friendship jail? That sounds hella culty.”
I quickly took a bite of blueberry pancakes to avoid making myself look more foolish.
Sour chuckled. “I know that we focus on the magic of friendship here in the stable, but that doesn’t mean you have to be friends with everyone. Sometimes there’s folks you just don’t get on with. It just means treating everyone with basic kindness even if you don’t get along with them. Not that you have to be everyone’s friend.”
“And that doesn’t mean that you have to always be happy with your friends,” Balmy added. “Sometimes we fight, but what’s important is that we work through those fights and stay friends after them.”
Something in Balmy’s voice drew my head up. Something that ran cooly around my hooves.
“Okay, so who am I not handling friendship that well with, Balmy?” I asked, fixing him with a level stare.
“I-what?” Balmy asked innocently, before trying to duck under the table. “I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
Emerald rolled her eyes.
“He means Puddle,” she explained. “She’s really hurt still by uh, how did she put it, Sour?”
“By the fact that you two made out and she almost died and since then you’ve acted like she doesn’t exist,” Sour answered, each word an icy dagger of guilt piercing my chest. She nonchalantly finished off her daisy sandwich. “Just saying. Could see why a filly might take that a little personally.”
My chest did its level best to collapse in on itself under the weight of all those painful icicles stabbing into me. Sour was right. I did kinda do that. Fuck.
“I… fuck. Uh, how do I fix this?” I asked, genuinely curious since I’d never, well… kissed somepony, watched them die, tried to make them not dead by punching a giant spirit, and then proceeded to ignore them. I needed a book on this!
“Have you considered looking for an answer in the Journal of Friendship?” Balmy asked. “I doubt that the Ministry Mares experienced anything like, uh, your situation, but… maybe they have some ideas?”
I thought about it for a moment. I had just read an entry by Pinkie Pie about how she really liked to throw parties for her friends. Yes! That was it! A party!
I slammed my hoof on the table, causing my friends — and about half the dining room — to jump.
“A PARTY!” I shouted triumphantly. "A ‘I AM SORRY I FUCKED UP’ PARTY!"
Emerald lay back her ears, then rubbed the inside of one with a hoof. “I don’t think you needed to shout that,” she muttered, rubbing her eyebrow, “but why a party?”
“Puddle always wanted to be the Element of Laughter,” I replied. The three of them stared at me. “I… look, I don’t know how I know that, but I have this dreamy memory thing that it’s something she’s always wanted. I thought a party might be a good idea since like, you know, they’re ways for you to laugh and have fun,” I stated confidently, recalling more of Pinkie Pie’s words.
Sour tapped a hoof to her chin. “You know, she may like that. But we may wanna keep it a surprise. She likes those even more.”
“You should probably ask Rhiannon if you can host it at her place as well. Since you’re living with her and all,” Balmy added. “But I think Puddle would like that! We all would, really.”
My chest felt just a little less like an ice cube being compressed by a glacier.
“Awesome! A party, it is!” I paused. “Uh… what does a party need?”
Three books and a lot of planning later, I learned that parties were serious business. Or at least required some planning. Which was why I found myself with Balmy, Glitter, and Bubblegum at the Stable 9 canteen, trying to buy supplies. Rows upon rows of pristine, pre-war package foods mixed in with produce from the Stable’s gardens. There were so many greens, fruits, and delicious looking vegetables!
And a distressing amount of cheese balls.
“Cheese Sandwich’s Big Super Cheesy Balls,” Bubblegum said, picking up a container, desperately trying to keep a straight face. “Big Super Cheesy Balls. Nice.”
“Ooo! We should get those! Those sound yummy!” Glitter said, levitating up five containers of Cheese Sandwich’s Super Cheese Big Balls in her magic. “Oh and they’re only one cap? A steal! At least I think it is.”
“I… er,” Balmy started to speak, then quieted down. “Just be careful with those. They’re kinda… weird. We only have so many of them because there was an accident with the food manufacturer that made literally hundreds of them.”
“I want to stuff Mr. Cheese’s balls in my mouth!” Glitter replied defensively, hugging a container of the snack to her chest. "I love cheese!"
Bubblegum made a short series of strange snorting grunts and appeared to be having a hard time controlling his face as he turned and falteringly made his way down the aisle. I struggled to keep my own face straight as waves of barely-contained mirth swept out from him, making me unsure of my own footing.
"What's his problem?" Asked a puzzled Glitter, bringing me back to the moment.
Right, fun time later, being responsible now.
I pulled out a small purse from my bag and counted my caps. “I have about a hundred or so caps that I can use to get party supplies. I know I wanna get some stuff to make a cake. But the cheese balls should be good, too? Maybe we can grab some other snacks as well!”
I rounded the corner and then froze as I tried to figure out what I was looking at. Before me, standing behind a small counter, was a creature that looked like a pony, but if a pony and a radroach had been able to have children. Very crunchy-looking children.
“I… uh… Uuuh…”
“Oh! Hello!” the creature greeted me. “Welcome to Verdant Gear’s Aisle of Technically Edible Things!” His buggy wings fluttered in excitement. “I see you chose to buy some of our patented Cheese Sandwich’s Super Cheese Big Balls! A fine choice! Can I help you find anything?”
“I uh…” I collected myself. “Hi Verdant, yeah, um. I need some stuff to make a cake?” I couldn’t feel any emotions from Verdant, and it was really creeping me out.
Balmy rounded the corner and then slapped his forehead. “Oh, I am so sorry, Verdant! I forgot to tell Threnody and the others that you’re a changeling!”
“A what?” I asked, shifting my attention off of Verdant and toward Balmy.
“Just a simple changeling who likes to sell food and lives off of the collective love he has for the finer things in cuisine!” Verdant said with a slight bow. “But please, let me know if I can help you find anything. I do believe we have some Gummy’s Glow-in-the-Dark Frosting for cakes! Middle of the aisle, lower left shelf.”
“Oh, okay, thank you, Verdant!” I said before slinking down the aisle.
“I am sorry I forgot to warn you,” Balmy said, ushering Glitter past the changeling.
“I wonder if he can store Mr. Cheese’s balls in his leg holes!” Glitter wondered aloud, causing Bubblegum and I to nearly fall into a stack of Real Fake Marshmallow Bits cereal from our mutual suppressed laughter.
I read the box to try to regain my composure. Distressingly, the cereal now claimed to have 100% real marshmallows in it.
What… what was in it before?
Turning the box over, I discovered a distressing amount of legal disclaimers about the cereal from Solaris Foods, and decided that maybe I was safer leaving it on the stack.
“Verdant has been here since the stable got up and running. He really does seem to live for selling stuff here in the Canteen, though, so we just… let him? And he’s really nice and helps keep the Canteen stocked!”
A now seemingly composed Bubblegum didn’t seem to care, and picked up a can of Beanis Inc. ‘Special Beans’ before sniggering to himself and setting them down. “Guy’s gotta make a living somehow. Though what the fuck is… Tushonka?” he asked, his brows furrowing as he picked up another can that, based on the picture on the front, appeared to be some sort of meat cube.
“I don’t know,” Balmy said. “It’s always sounded like something from Stalliongrad. I’ve never tried it.”
I came face to face with the frosting. It glowed — on the shelf, not just in the dark.
“Uh, is it supposed to glow like that?” I wondered, picking up one and reading through the ingredients. It appeared to have the same isotope in it that made Sparkle Cola Rad glow a bit. “Oh, that weird radiation chemical thing. Pretty sure it’s harmless,” I said before putting three jars of frosting in the small basket I’d grabbed from the front of the Canteen.
Bubblegum trotted over and deposited a pile of tubes in the basket. “We need these,” he said seriously. “I found them once in the wasteland. I have been searching ever since. I will help pay for them.”
I picked up a tube. “Baconooze?”
The big colt looked sheepish. “Look, it is cheese and bacon. It goes really well on crackers if you can find them. I found like three once in a strange store called Muler’s Bit Bargain Bin, and they were the most delicious things I’ve ever had in my life. We need them... Please?”
He gave me an expression that made his pink eyes look huge.
“I mean, if you like it that much, yeah we should totally get it!” I said, excited that Bubblegum was helping me plan. “If you see anything else, let me know!”
I reached into my saddlebags and pulled out my list. I’d found a recipe for chocolate cake — Balmy had told me that was Puddle’s favourite — which called for mayonnaise.
“Does anyone see mayonnaise? I need it for the cake,” I asked.
“Oh! I found it!” Balmy said, fluttering over with a jar of the yellow-white condiment.
“Why does it say it has a prize in it?” I asked.
“I dunno. Who puts a prize in mayonnaise?” Balmy asked back. “The stuff in this aisle has always been a little… weird.”
I teetered a bit as Glitter dropped a few bags into my basket, causing the weight to increase precipitously.
“I found some gummy worms. They sound sour! Sour things are yummy!” she said.
I shrugged. Balefire Sour Gummies sounded good to me!
“Okay, let’s get some flour, and if we can, some drinks. Is there any soda or juice anyone wants?” I asked.
“I’d get us some booze, but Constable Party Pooper says that ponies under 18 can’t have any,” Bubblegum muttered. “Though I’m not sure about this Duct Tape Vodka they have. It says it fixes heart, liver, and soul wounds. I’m pretty sure it does none of those things.”
“Alcohol doesn’t tend to do that, no,” Balmy replied. “Though, let’s avoid the Pinkie’s Every Flavour Soda. Last time I bought one, I got Cool Ranch. That was… not a good soda flavour.”
My stomach turned at the thought of ranch-flavoured soda. “Yeah, nope. None of that.”
Bubblegum scanned the shelves, then picked up a few bottles, a devious look on his face. “Hey Threnody. I think we need some grape juice.”
“Why?”
Bubblegum leaned in close.
“It’s expired, by like three years,” he explained in a whisper. “I bet it’s starting to turn into wine by now!”
I wasn’t sure that was how wine was made, but I was willing to try anything if my friends thought it was a good idea. Which Bubblegum clearly did.
“Grape juice, it is!” I said, trying not to sound nervous as he carried our illicit juice up to Verdant.
Once the changeling'd rang up our goods and given us the total, we left the Canteen in a good mood. Glitter dug into the cheesy balls, Bubblegum was slowly slurping down a tube of Baconooze and was making rather pleased noises. Balmy just hummed quietly as we trotted toward Rhiannon’s house.
Me? I felt extremely guilty. I had a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach about the grape juice. What if we got caught? What if the Constable learned of our illicit purchase to try to avoid his draconian and patently unreasonable measures to prevent underaged drinking?
“Bubblegum, we’re uh… we’re not gonna get in trouble for buying the grape juice, are we?” I asked, trembling slightly. I could feel the start of a nosebleed. Argh, curse my obvious sign of guilt!
Bubblegum stopped slurping on his cheese tube and looked at me. “Why? We just bought grape juice. We didn’t break into his personal bourbon stash.”
“Yeah but-”
“It’ll be fine, Threnody. I don’t even know if it’ll be what I want. At best we get grape juice that might not even have spoiled. At worst it’s vinegar and then we, uh, totally try to find some real alcohol or something. Or just play some games like you planned. Really the whole alcohol idea was for me.”
“Why?”
“Dude, I still am freaked out being inside here,” Bubblegum replied, looking up at the Stable’s high ceiling. “I think I may legit have some claustrophobia.”
Glitter put a wing over Bubblegum’s back. “Don’t worry, Bubblegum. I’ll keep you safe! If anything bad happens, I’ll just teleport us outside!”
Bubblegum gave Glitter a small smile. “I know you’re trying to cheer me up, but making it out of a cave in only to lose all the people I like in my life again is a prospect I can’t really ignore.” He was quiet for a moment before looking up at the big beaming alicorn and offering her a weak smile in return. “Well, almost all. I appreciate the thought, Glitter. Thank you.”
“No problem!”
The four of us piled into Lilac House’s small living area and set out our supplies. Rhiannon had given me permission to use the house for my ‘I’m-Sorry-I-Fucked-Up’ party, and let me know it was convenient that I was trying to do some things on my own so she could do some “adult things.” Her words, not mine. Whatever she was up to, it meant that I basically had Lilac House to myself for the next day or so.
“So, Balmy, can I ask a question?” Bubblegum asked, flopping on Rhiannon’s couch. He crossed his hooves and rested his chin on them. “A… friend question?”
Something mischievous in Bubble’s tone set one of my ears askew, and Balmy cocked his head to the side in confusion at it.
“I… guess?” Balmy replied. “I can try to answer as best I can!”
“Excellent. What way does Sagi’s barn door swing?”
Balmy made a slight choking sound before looking at me for help. I shrugged back helplessly.
“He’s your friend, Balmy, you’d know better than me!” I squeaked in reply, quickly setting to trying to get the ingredients out for the “I’m-sorry-I’m-a-bad-friend” cake.
Balmy whined, before looking at anyone but Bubblegum. “I uh… I mean, he’s mostly dated fillies,” he replied, his discomfort at answering washing over me. “Well, he may have gone out with a colt or two, but maybe they were just hanging out? So maybe it swings both ways? I don’t know!”
Bubblegum nodded sagely. “I see. Because I’ve noticed him staring at a lot of ponies, so I thought I’d ask.”
“I think he’s had a few fillyfriends? Well, no, I know he has. He and Emerald have this kinda on again, off again thing going on. It’s weird,” Balmy explained. “Though honestly for a while I thought he was gonna go out with Sour because they spend so much time together, but Sour really only likes girls. Then there’s Puddle who's had a huge crush on him since we were in middle school and-” Balmy cut himself off as Bubblegum snorted. “What?”
“Glitter, you owe me a soda,” Bubblegum said simply.
Glitter sighed, and began to shake her tail.
“Wh-why does Glitter owe you a soda?” Balmy asked, sounding the slightest bit distressed.
“Because he bet me a soda that you were the gossiper of the friendies,” Glitter explained, sticking her tongue out as she shook her tail harder. A moment later, a bottle of Sparkle~Cola fell out.
“Why is that Sparkle~Cola bright orange?” Bubblegum asked, picking up the bottle. “The heck is Sparkle~Cola Sunray?”
“Uh… I don’t know, I’ve never heard of it!” Glitter said, shaking her tail some more. “I thought I was just getting you a Sparkle~Cola!” A few tin cans and a stuffed dinosaur fell out of her tail. “Mr. Chompers!”
Bubblegum deftly opened the bottle and took a sip. “Huh, that’s… actually really good! It’s like… peachy, but with a bit of honey whiskey!” He spun the bottle around. “Oh. There’s actual whiskey in this! Well then!”
“How do you know what whiskey tastes like?” Balmy asked, moving to sit down on a cushion in the living room.
“How do you think?” Bubblegum replied, his expression neutral.
“Glitter, do you have any more of those in there?” Bubblegum asked, shaking Glitter’s tail, causing even more objects to fall out. “How? How do you have so much stuff in there? And Why?”
I rolled my eyes as Glitter whined about things she ‘needed’, which tended to amount to empty tin cans and weird food items that she picked up from Goddesses knew where. In the meantime, I set to working on the cake. I still wasn’t sure whether Pinkie Pie was right about mayonnaise going into the cake. Still, she specifically left the recipe in the Journal of Friendship, so she had to be right! Right?
As I scooped out what felt like an uncalled-for cup of mayo into a measuring cup, my spoon hit something hard. Puzzled, I felt around the condiment jar until something slid out. A small figure of Rainbow Dash, looking like the sole survivor of an explosion at a mayonnaise factory, stared up at me from the goopy mess on the counter.
“Why was there a Rainbow Dash in the mayo jar?” I muttered to myself.
“Wait what?” Glitter looked over at me. “Oh! You got a prize! Yay!”
“Okay more importantly, what the hell are you doing with that mayonnaise!?” Bubblegum asked. “Why are you putting it in that bowl?”
“Uh, I need it for the cake?”
“What kind of cake needs mayo?”
“The kind Pinkie Pie left a recipe for in the Journal of Friendship? Besides, she said that it makes for a really good chocolate cake! There’s like over a cup of cocoa in there!”
“Okay, first of all, where is the stable getting cocoa from? And second, I’m fairly certain that putting cocoa into mayonnaise isn’t gonna make it less mayonnaise!” Bubblegum said, getting up from the couch and entering the kitchen.
“I-I’m just following the recipe! I’m sure Pinkie Pie would know! She was a baker, after all!” I protested, holding the cup of mayo close to my chest.
“HONEY, YOU CAN’T DILUTE A WAR CRIME! IS THAT A CUP OF MAYO!?” Bubblegum shouted.
“We have some cocoa trees growing in the fields, if you wanted to know where the cocoa came from,” Balmy said softly.
Bubbles and I stared at each other for a long moment, serious expressions on both of our faces before we collectively cracked up and started laughing.
“Okay, fine. I’ll trust this… cake. But if this is bad, I’m blaming you, not a Ministry Mare!” Bubblegum teased.
“Fine, fine. But if you like it, I get credit!”
Bubblegum snorted. “No you don’t. That one’s on Pinkie!”
I stuck my tongue out at him before getting back to mixing the cake.
The door swung open as Sour let herself in.
“Afternoon, ponies!” She said, before flopping down on a cushion. “Emmy, Sagi, and Puddle will be along shortly. They had to go get Emerald out of a tree.”
“...Out of a tree?” Balmy asked gently.
“Yep! She teleported and ended up a tree and was too scared to teleport down. Do we have soda?” Sour asked, chuckling. “Honestly, I would have helped her out of the tree, but she yelled at me to go away 'cause Sagi said he’d carry her down.”
Bubblegum rolled his eyes. “Do fillies think that actually works? Playing the fair maiden?”
Of course Emerald thought it worked. I thought to myself as I finished mixing the cake into a batter and poured it into a cake pan.
“You’ve got me, Bubs,” Sour said, accepting an offered Sparkle~Cola from Balmy. “I always felt that it was better if I just got things done on my own. But Emmy says I am compulsively self-reliant or something.”
Being compulsively self-reliant felt violently familiar. I shoved that feeling down as I put the cake in the oven.
“Well, at least it gives me time to get the cake baking?” I said, grabbing a Sparkle~Cola Cherry from the fridge before fluttering over to sit down next to Balmy.
Bubblegum raised an eyebrow at my choice of seating for some reason.
“What?”
Bubblegum smirked at me before saying: “Nothing.”
I wanted to take his nothing and shove it up his butt, but I shook my head and waited for the inevitable knock at the door when the rest of our friends arrived.
“So Emerald and Sagi had a thing?” I asked, trying to catch up on the conversation that I’d been half paying attention to from the kitchen.
Sour snorted out a laugh. “You could say that. I mean, Balmy’s probably blabbed about it already, but Emerald and Puddle have both had a huge crush on Sagi for ages.”
“But you don’t?” I asked.
Sour shook her head. “Yeah, no. Sagi’s uh… not my type at all.”
“So you do have a type!” Bubblegum said conspiratorially. “I wonder what it is.”
Sour took a long sip of soda before answering. “Give me one of those Spark~Cola Sunrays and I’ll answer you.”
Balmy gave Sour a shocked look. “Sour! It has alcohol in it!”
“Oh, I know that,” she said with a smirk. “That’s why I want one!”
Balmy still looked scandalised when the door swung open again. Sagi fluttered in, carrying not Emerald, but Puddle, who held her forehoof and made ‘oof’ and ‘ouch’ sounds.
Sour stared at the Thestral. “How? I left you three alone for five minutes!”
“After I got Emmy out of the tree, Puddle tripped and sprained her ankle,” Sagi said, exasperated. “Look, I don’t know, I just live here, dude. I don’t know what you want from me.”
He gently set Puddle down on the couch.
I fluttered over to the freezer to grab an ice pack.
“I am so sorry you twisted your ankle, Puddle! This is not a good way to start off a party! Can I get you anything?” I asked, rushing into medic mode.
Puddle pulled me close and whispered in my ear.
“It doesn’t hurt, I just wanted Sagi to carry me, but please feel free to make it sound serious!” she said with a slight giggle before returning to her ‘oh, it hurts!’ routine.
I did my best to not roll my eyes as I gestured toward Sagittarius. “Hey, Sagi? Part of helping with the pain of twisted ankles is elevation. I need to borrow your back.”
“But you’ve got a whole stack of pillows!” Sagi whined.
“Yeah, but your back is just the right height to keep her hoof elevated while she ices it. Now be a good boy and sit next to Puddle. It is her party after all!”
Sagi grumbled as he flopped down on the couch next to Puddle. She made a show of her pain as I gently lifted her right forehoof onto Sagi’s back. She gave me a wink as I felt the icy stare of daggers coming from Emerald.
“I wanted to thank you, Threnody,” Puddle said as I placed a light cloth wrapping over her hoof, "for planning this."
“I think I need to apologise to you, so I went digging through the Journal of Friendship for ideas. Plus, uh, I knew that you really like Pinkie Pie so I figured some of her entries might help. For what it is worth, I am really sorry that I was a bad friend to you after uh… well, everything,” I replied, sitting down on the cushions on the floor next to Balmy.
“Well, I’ll work on forgiving you,” Puddle said, her words making me bubble up a little bit. “Though, I’ll need to try that cake you’re baking before I make a firm decision.”
“Deal!” I said, then smacked my forehead. “Argh! The frosting!”
I darted off to the kitchen as my friends began to talk amongst themselves. Sagi and Bubblegum talked a little about what the Punk had been saying on the radio about the NCR and the Commonwealth. I tried to tune in, but found that making the ganache frosting a little more attention-intensive than I’d have thought.
“Guys, can we talk about something that isn’t like… ponies fighting?” Puddle asked loudly. “I get it, but like… right now I just wanna have fun.”
“Oh! We could play a game!” Emerald perked up. “Hey Threnody, does Rhiannon have any party games?”
I thought for a moment, then remembered that there were boxes of foal’s games filling half of my closet.
“Uh, check the right side of the closet… in my room. I think those are all the, like, board games and things that Rhiannon had as a filly? I’m sure there’s a party game in there!” I replied, before putting on oven mitts and removing the cake. The rich smell of chocolate started to permeate the Lilac House living area as I set it on the stovetop to cool.
Sour and Emerald darted off into my room. I was suddenly glad that I’d had the forethought to tidy it up a bit. After a few moments and at least one distressing sound of cardboard falling over, the pair emerged, holding a large, black box between them.
“Oh my goddesses! SHE HAS IT!” Emerald said, her voice escalating to a shriek.
“Has what?” Bubblegum asked, looking confused.
“Cards Against Equestria! It’s… oh man it’s supposed to be like, really silly, but also a good way to see how dirty minded your friends are!” Emmy said with a smug smirk. “I bet Puddle’s is the dirtiest!”
“It is not!” Puddle protested as I joined my friends back in the seating area. She leaned on Sagi. “Sagi, tell her she’s wrong! I am as pure as the driven snow!”
Sagittarius snorted. “Yeah, uh, sure. As pure as the snow that’s been ploughed and has dirt in it.”
Puddle pouted and stuck her tongue out at Sagi.
“So… what do we do?” I asked, looking to Balmy for help. “I mean, sorry. I’ve never heard of this game, and I’m pretty sure that Bubblegum and Glitter haven’t either.” The former two nodded their heads in agreement.
“Oh, it’s pretty easy!” Sour said, shuffling a huge stack of cards. “You’ll catch on pretty quickly…” ______________________________________________________________________________
One hour, several game rounds, and a couple of sodas later, I learned that my friends were all terrible, perverted, horny teenage ponies who would make Celestia and Luna blush with their own degeneracy. I was never going to get the image of somepony trying to fill their butt with spaghetti, but everypony else seemed to think it was funny for some reason. I just wanted some brain bleach.
“We didn’t even need to break out the grape juice!” Bubblegum wheezed in as everyone laughed about the most recent round.
“Wait, grape juice?” Puddle asked, confused. “What does grape juice have to do with any of this?”
“Well, it’s expired by like 3 years, so Bubblegum thought it might turn into wine?” I explained, though my explanation was muffled somewhat by the fact that I’d buried my face in a pillow from embarrassment.
My asshole friends had decided that I made the most delightful squeaky noises when I was embarrassed, so obviously I had to read all of the stupid cards from the stupid game of lewdness.
“Okay, all I heard out of that was ‘wine’, Threnody,” Sour said, chuckling. “What?”
“I’ll drink it!” Puddle declared triumphantly from the couch. “I volunteer as tribute!”
“Puddle, I’m 100% positive that it isn’t actually wine,” Emmy cautioned. “It’ll probably be horrible!”
“Well, the cake is done, so like, at least if it’s bad, she’ll have something good to eat to cleanse the palate!” I said, lifting my head from the pillow.
Balmy gently patted my ponytail with a wing.
“Or the cake will make us all die,” Bubblegum muttered. He put his hooves up when I glared at him. “I’m just saying, you put a cup and a half of mayo in it.”
“Because Pinkie Pie’s recipe called for a half cup of mayo!” I protested, huffing as I got up and went to the kitchen to slice the cake.
Puddle followed me. “So wait, we don’t actually have wine? Just grape juice? Eh, what’s the harm in it!” she said, rummaging through Lilac House’s small fridge for the still-dusty bottle of expired grape juice. “Who is with me in this grand experiment?”
Thankfully, the only other friend who appeared to be lacking a brain in addition to any sense of moral propriety was Sagi, 'cause he was the only one who raised a hoof. Puddle poured the pair of them a generous glass of dubious fluid as I plated the cake and balanced the slices on my wing.
“Cheers!” Puddle said, clinking her plastic glass against Sagi’s as she took her seat next-to-but-basically-on-top-of-him. She took a sip, and immediately made a face like she regretted the decision.
Sagi’s face also twisted in a way I hadn’t seen a pony’s muzzle move before. It was like someone took the tip of his snout and twisted it to the left while he struggled to swallow. He managed, but just barely.
“Oh that is terrible!” He declared, setting down the offending glass of not wine and definitely no longer grape juice.
Puddle got up from her perch on Sagi and rushed to the bathroom. From the sputtering noises, it sounded like she hadn’t even braved an attempt to swallow the swill.
Bubblegum smirked as he continued to drink his Sparkle~Cola Sunray. “I guess it wasn’t a good year.”
Puddle glared at him as she returned from the bathroom, then quickly snagged a piece of cake from my wing. She bit down into it, then her eyes lit up.
“Oh my goddesses,” she moaned, doing a small prance on all four hooves. “Threnody, this is amazing!”
Bubblegum looked doubtful. “Okay, let me try.”
He accepted a piece of cake as Glitter levitated it over to him. Taking a hesitant bite, he closed his eyes, before chewing slowly. At first, I thought he hated it, then I realised I could feel his enjoyment washing off of him in warm, effervescent waves. No, it tasted good, and that upset him.
“Why is this good?” he whispered. “It has two cups of mayonnaise in it!”
Glitter shrugged. “It’s yummy! That’s all that matters!”
“I guess Pinkie Pie knew what she was talking about, huh, Bubbles?” I asked, passing out the rest of the cake to my remaining friends.
“I guess she did. Thank you, Pinkie Pie!” Bubblegum replied around a mouthful of cake.
I rolled my eyes and sat down next to Balmy. The next few moments were blessedly calm as my friends inhaled their cake, and in some cases went and got seconds. It helped me calm myself down after all of that indecency from earlier! Seriously, my chest hurt from embarrassment! I didn’t know that could happen!
“What should we do next, now that the wine is uh… not actually wine?” Emmy asked. “How about it, party girl?”
Puddle looked thoughtful for a moment, then licked a bit of frosting from her nose. “Um… how about Truth or Consequences?”
The Stable Fillies and Glitter’s eyes lit up. Sagi and Balmy groaned. Bubblegum and I just looked confused.
“What’s Truth or Consequences?” I asked hesitantly. “That sounds… very ominous.”
Emerald’s eyes lit up. “Oh! It’s a game where you either tell a truth about yourself, or if you’re too embarrassed, you spin the bottle and have to kiss someone! I mean, if everyone is okay with that. That’s one of the rules.”
Balmy made an embarrassed noise that I violently related to, but he seemed to nod his consent. Sagi and Bubblegum shrugged and said ‘sure.’ The other girls were all in, so all eyes fell on me.
Of course the one other degenerate party game would involve the two things I hated most in this world: kissing and telling the truth about myself. What sadist came up with this game? This sounded awful. A bottomless whirlpool twisted and churned into being somewhere around my stomach as I looked back at all those expectant eyes.
“I… fine,” I muttered, really not wanting this but wanting to disappoint anyone even less.
Maybe they’d just ask me a dumb question like what my favourite colour was. Then I could tell the truth and not have to kiss anyone.
“Yay!” Puddle cheered, then knocked over an empty Sparkle~Cola bottle. “I’ll spin first to see who gets the first question!” She spun the bottle. I tried very, very hard to not stare at it as the bottle settled on Glitter Bomb.
“Okay, Truth or Consequences, Glitter! Are there any adults in the Stable that you would kiss?”
Glitter tapped her chin with the tip of her hoof. “Hmm… maybe Dr. Brightwork. He seems nice!”
I was puzzled over that answer. I had been checked out by the rather effusive stallion briefly, but I didn’t see anything special in him. Though I supposed it was Glitter’s choice.
“Ah, I see! I think Dr. Brightwork’s husband might be a little upset, but that’s understandable. Now you spin!” Puddle instructed.
Glitter spun the bottle, and it landed on Emerald.
“Okay Emmy, Truth or Con…conse-consequences!” Glitter managed to say without falling into her glitterisms. “Would you rather hold hooves with a filly or a colt?”
Emmy chuckled. “Filly. Hooves down,” she said, spinning the bottle.
This time, it landed on Sagi. She smirked at him. Sagi sank slightly into the couch.
“Truth or Consequences, Sagi. Are there any fillies in class you have a crush on?”
Sagi made a distressed noise, before spinning the bottle. It landed on Bubblegum.
“Okay, that’s weird, but hey it’s my consequence so-”
Sagi made a move to get off of the couch toward Bubblegum. The big colt met him halfway, grabbed Sagi’s face, and kissed him deeply.
With a surprised squeak, eyes wide, Sagi snapped his wings open and bapped Puddle in the face. The kiss lasted a solid five seconds before Bubblegum let go with an impish grin on his face.
Sagi stared at him, dumbfounded.
“DUDE! DID YOU HAVE TO USE TONGUE!?” the batpony shouted, his face red from his cheeks to the tips of his fluffy ears.
Emmy fanned her face. “I uh… wow, I didn’t expect that!”
Puddle giggled, a blush on her face. “Well that’s a consequence for you! You chose it! You got smooched!”
Glitter looked back and forth between Sagi and Bubblegum.
“I think I like it when the boys kiss. They should do it again.”
Bubblegum wiggled his eyebrows seductively at Sagi, who squeaked softly.
“I don’t even like boys, and I think I like it when the boys kiss,” Sour admitted, fanning herself with a wing.
“It seems our adoring fans want an encore,” Bubblegum said seductively.
Sagi grumbled, but I couldn’t help but notice he seemed to have a hard time getting his wings down. He spun the bottle with the tip of his hoof. It spun around a solid ten times before finally settling on Balmy, who looked very much less than enthused.
“Balmy, Truth or Consequences! Do you have a secret that you’ve never told any of us that you’ve wanted to tell?”
Balmy froze, and I was sitting close enough to him that I could sense the panic welling up inside of him. It felt like he might have something that was bothering him, but I could tell that this was not the way he planned on discussing it with his friends!
“Would… would it be better if you said it to just one friend?” I asked, hoping that would give him an out, or at least maybe make it easier to choose to spin the bottle instead of saying what his secret was until he was ready.
Balmy seemed to relax.
“Yes, actually. Uh, is that okay, Puddle?” he asked.
Puddle shrugged. “I mean, technically Sour asked, but if there’s someone you’d rather tell it to…”
“Yes!” Balmy nearly shouted, then blushed. “Uh, can I tell Threnody?”
“Me?”
“Yeah uh… if that’s okay?”
I looked at Puddle, who made a slight shoo-ing motion with her hooves. “I uh, I guess? Do you wanna tell me in, like, my room?”
Balmy nodded. “Yeah that’d be uh, that’d be great. Go ahead and spin for me please, Puddle!”
Balmy and I left the general chaos of the living room and entered the calm of my room. Balmy seemed unsure of what to do with himself, so I hopped up onto my bed and patted a spot next to me. He gingerly got on my bed, then looked down at his hooves.
“Your secret must be kinda big, huh?” I asked, picking up the Sweetie Belle plushie from the head of my bed and passing her to him. “Emotional support friend?”
Balmy accepted the toy and hugged her before responding.
“I mean, I guess you’d be the emotional support friend but- oh my gosh, Sweetie Belle is so soft!” He buried his muzzle in her mane. “Yeah I just… you ever carry something around with you so long that it’s really hard to admit to other ponies?”
I tried to avoid making a choking noise.
“Hahaha, yeah uh, kinda?” I stammered, before trying to collect myself. “I mean, doesn’t everyone after a while?”
“I guess. I just… I’m afraid of what they’re all gonna think,” he said, gesturing toward the door. “Cause it’s like, not super huge, but it’s big enough that I don’t wanna be judged.”
“I mean, unless you lost Puddle’s bunnies, I don’t think there’s much she’s gonna judge you for. Or anyone else, for that matter. Though I am curious why you wanted to tell me. I thought you’d be closer with like, Sagi or Sour!”
Balmy met my eyes, his own eyes intense. “You’d get it faster than they would.”
I looked away from that intensity, uncomfortable with the trust he was showing. “I… I mean I appreciate that, I just… erm. What I’m trying to say is thank you, and my ears are open.” I said, coughing into a hoof.
Balmy curled his wings around himself, and I could feel the maelstrom of emotions inside of him whirling about as he fought to steady the storm. It took him a moment, but one of the few things I was really good at with other ponies was giving them the time and space to find the words they needed to speak.
“I’ve felt off for a long time,” he started, playing with the Sweetie Belle plushie’s hooves. “Since I was a young foal, really. Everypony else seemed to kinda understand things that I didn’t, and fit into roles that they were born into. Whereas like, everything I did made me feel like I was wearing a mismatched pair of socks. Like I could pretend that I was one thing or the other, but neither really fit me well. I was always kinda trying to mask who I really was.
“I’ve been talking to Rhiannon and Mr. Vetiver a lot about it, and they’ve been encouraging me to share my feelings with my friends. Or with someone I feel safe with. And, I guess I am sharing it with you because like, I think you’ll understand? Or at least, if you don’t understand, you’ll try to. Like, really try to.”
“That’s usually what I do try to do for anyone, Balmy," I said. "But especially ponies who have done the same for me!”
“I know,” Balmy said with a smile, before taking in a bracing breath. “And I think I am kinda over-talking right now because my chest feels like I have a Force 10 Gale hitting it constantly. I, uh…” he took a deep breath. “I think I was supposed to be a filly.”
I was nodding as I listened to the last sentence. “Wait, come again?”
“I think I was supposed to be a filly,” Balmy continued. “I’ve always felt like that, ever since I can remember understanding the differences between fillies and colts. I felt like I was supposed to be on the filly’s side when we were supposed to divide up between boys and girls. I feel more comfortable when ponies who don’t know me and hear my voice accidentally refer to me as ‘she.’ That’s… kinda what I mean.”
I nodded as Balmy explained themselves. “I see. I think I remember reading about ponies with those feelings. And, well, I’ve actually worked with a few alicorns who used to be boys before they became alicorns. I know that they are working on reviving the gender treatment potions that existed before the war. Um… I’m going to try to not screw this up, so bear with me, but did you like… want to be referred to as she?” I asked.
Balmy nodded. “That… was kinda what I wanted to start doing. There’s not a lot that the Stable can do right now, and Rhiannon said I’m not quite old enough for anything anyways, but… I think I’d rather start trying to be me, as opposed to pretending to be a colt. Which… I’m kinda bad at.”
He… she did have a point about that. Balmy never really seemed to be too into things I mentally associated with colts. Though, thinking about it, I didn’t really have very good boxes for what colts and fillies did differently. Just… maybe how they made themselves look. And even that varied a lot.
Bubblegum was very comfortable being a boy, he just had a long mane like a filly and took good care of it. On the opposite side, Blackjack did a lot of rough and tumble things, but didn’t seem to care about her appearance so much like other mares I knew. Gender, to me, at least, seemed to be more about which pronoun someone used and how they made themselves appear, and less about any really well defined social role. But in this case, I was kind of an outsider looking in. Ponies were weird creatures, and trying to figure them out always made me feel like an alien from another planet like the characters from a science fiction book I read once.
“I am totally willing to do that for you, Balmy! I uh… hope you aren’t looking for advice on how to be a good filly 'cause I think I’m bad at it. Not like… I wanted to be a colt or anything. Just…” I shrugged helplessly. “Like, I look at Sour and Puddle and Emerald and they seem to know more about what it means to be an adolescent filly than I ever will.”
Balmy laughed brightly. “No, that’s… no, that’s okay I don’t think I need that!” she said. “I just… needed someone I feel safe with to tell first. That’s why I told you.”
“Well, I’m glad to be your safe someone!” I flopped onto my back on my bed, hugging Scootaloo close to my chest. “I mean, goodness knows you’ve done that enough for me since I came here!”
She joined me in staring at the leafy ceiling of my room. “Well, I haven’t minded doing that either. I knew you were hurting a lot, and not just 'cause I was a heartmender. But, you know, I’ve said that before and whatever,” she sighed. “Like, my mom is kind of a mess, you know? The others don’t know this, but she really spends too much time drinking and didn’t spend a ton of time with me when I was younger. So when I met you, I felt like you might understand. You have that same look in your eyes that I see in the mirror sometimes. And… it makes me want to reach out to you!”
I heard the sound of her wings shuffling on top of the quilt that covered my bed. A feeling like an electric current through water rippled through me as the edge of her wing lightly touched mine.
“I also was kinda hoping you’d be willing to reach back.”
I don’t know why it took me until that moment to finally understand that Balmy liked me. Well, not just liked me. Her touch, whether she meant it to or not, transmitted her feelings of affection and… and attraction to me. Me! The lumpiest 'tato of a pegasus! AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! What was I supposed to do with that knowledge?!
“I, augh!” I pulled my wing closer to me. “Argh, I am sorry, Balmy, I… uh.”
“Wha-oh. Oh! Oh, no, no, no! I am so sorry! I didn’t… well, I mean, I do but I wasn’t trying to say that,” she said, turning bright red and curling up around Sweetie Belle. “I meant that you’d be willing to listen to me, too, sometimes not that I, well, I mean, I do but I didn’t want to… aaaaaaa!”
Somehow, watching someone else go through the same steps of the existential crisis I was experiencing helped. It was in a small way, one that didn’t remove the butterflies from my stomach or the confusion from my head at what to do with that information, but it made me feel less feather-brained by comparison. Or maybe just as feather-brained, but misery did tend to love company.
“Okay, so full disclosure I am kind of a mess,” Balmy said, rolling back over to face me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean for you to know, uh… that part of my appreciation of you as a friend. I just…”
She shrugged helplessly.
“I-it’s okay,” I stammered. “I am a mess too. Just ask Puddle. Well, don’t ask Puddle, you already did and yet you still… you know, wow, is it warm in here?”
I fanned myself with a wing, feeling like my face was being blasted with water at the temperature I tended to prefer for showers.
“Just a little but, uh, no really, I am sorry!”
“Please don’t apologise! I am just as bad at feelings and I don’t know what to do with this information 'cause the last few times I thought I had crushes on ponies I think I just was confusing my feelings for someone paying attention to me, and mistaking that for something deeper,” I blurted out, then stared at the blue and white pattern of my quilt as the realisation dawned that I had somehow managed to precisely describe what I had done to both Blackjack and Puddle. “I… oh, wow, I’m so fucked up.”
Balmy moved closer to me, then repeatedly extended and retracted her wing as she variated between concern and panic. She finally settled on sitting a respectful distance from me and fretting with her hooves.
“I… I mean, Rhiannon hasn’t let me work with anypony as a heartmender before, but uh, based on my own limited life experiences, I think that’s, uh… kind of a normal response when you end up sort of feeling like you’re not loved by a parental figure? And when you try to deal with that hurt you end up jumping around to attach yourself to the first someone who is nice to you. It's hard to not be like, well, wow, is this love?”
Ugh, that was disgustingly accurate. Balmy really needed to stop doing that mirroring thing that I hated so much. I already had a terrible relationship with real mirrors. I didn’t need to look at my emotional ones!
Or maybe I did, and doing so just made me extremely grumpy.
I sighed.
“I’m not upset with you, Balmy,” I said as she looked slightly hurt as she sensed my frustration. “I’m just… I don’t do well looking in the mirror. Physical or metaphorical, in this case.”
“Oh, sorry. I just… Again, I like you, and I trust you. And sometimes it’s nice to have someone to mirror. Even if what is in the mirror looks like it went through a windstorm and your mane is kind of a mess,” she replied.
I laughed at her metaphor.
“I’m pretty sure it’s more than just my mane that's a mess. Sticks everywhere, maybe some leaves. I might as well be a forest spirit that can speak a mud and dirt language!”
Hey, I know some of those! Huey whispered in my ear. I ignored him.
“But no, I think… I think Rhiannon — and probably Sandalwood and Slate — would tell me that it’s healthy for me to recognize that.”
Balmy smiled at me and nodded.
“That’s good! And… I am sorry if me telling you, uh… by accident how I feel makes things weird.”
“It’s… really not the weirdest fucking thing in my life right now, Balmy.”
I feel a little embarrassed to say that Balmy and I kinda spent the rest of the evening talking together in my bedroom. It wasn’t until Rhiannon knocked on my door at close to one in the morning that I realised that my friends had all fallen asleep in the living room while we talked. She shook her head at Balmy and I, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like ‘teenagers’, then said she was going to put blankets over my friends.
Balmy crashed with me in my little bed. There wasn’t a lot of room for us, but we both awkwardly tried to stack the trio of CMC plushies between us to give us some comfort. That didn’t stop me from having some very vivid dreams about her while I slept.
Nor did it help my own feelings of confusion about her when I woke up with her wing over my back and my tail twisted up in hers.
