> The 4000 Year Old Virgin
>  by ocalhoun
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Another Sunrise in Paradise
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Princess Celestia, co-ruler of all pony kind, yawned and stretched when she woke up alone in her huge bed, already smiling. She looked forward to greeting the morning, just like every morning. Of course 'morning' wasn't there yet – and it wouldn't be until she greeted it – but that wouldn’t be for another couple hours yet.

Before then, she had to brush her teeth, do some light calisthenics, take a long steamy shower, comb her lustrous mane into its accustomed beauty, and even get a little reading done. All of it under the watchful eyes of her loyal guards.

Finally, it was time for her favorite part of the day, raising the sun! Her guards followed her out onto her private balcony, where she looked out over the impressive view of the predawn sky. “Hello, old friend,” she said cheerfully, looking up at the moon. “It's lovely to see you again, but I am glad to no longer be responsible for lowering you down!”

One of her guards nudged the other and whispered in a voice he must have thought too quiet for even her to hear, “That pony really needs to get laid.” The other guard nodded subtly, the motion barely perceptible. A pony without alicorn-level senses might have missed the whole exchange.

But Princess Celestia paid them no mind. Her personal life was none of their petty mortal concern. Instead, she channeled her magic at just the right time, calling the Sun up from under the horizon, blessing Equestria with its light and warmth for yet another day.

She smiled into the first rays of its light. “Hello, Sun! I missed you!”

The Sun didn't respond, of course. It never did. But she felt like having a personal relationship with it strengthened her celestial connection, making the morning ritual easier and more enjoyable.

After spending a few delightful minutes basking in the morning light, Princess Celestia solemnly made her way back through her bedchamber, then out into the palace's hallways, making her way to a certain passageway, one that had been disused for far too long, but recently came back into its rightful function.

On her way down, she met her Captain of the Royal Guard, who was headed up – Spearhead Charge, a grizzled long-time veteran who had replaced Shining Armor after his 'promotion' to Prince of the Crystal Empire. A trio of new recruits followed behind him, which probably meant he was teaching them their new patrol routes. 

“Good morning, Your Highness,” the Captain said with a bow. “And what an excellent morning it is, as always.”

“Thank you,” she replied. “But do take a care ... if you go on like this, those new recruits of yours will begin to think that flattery is the path to promotion.”

“I'll be sure to assign the first flatterer I see to ten months of latrine duty!” The Captain grinned. Surely he didn't mean that, but his words did have a profound effect on the recruits behind him. “It's a pleasure talking to you, Princess, but I'm afraid we must keep to a tight schedule today if these recruits are to be ready for duty by the end of the week. I do want you to know, however, that I – and the rest of my troops – are available to you any time you need us, for any needs you may have.”

“That is very appreciated,” she said. “Please, continue with your impeccable work.”

“Being at your side at all times, us guards understand your ... uh, situation better than anyone. I, as well as nearly every guard in the barracks, would be more than happy to help you with any needs you may need fulfilled. Anything.”

“You are too kind.” Princess Celestia smiled at him innocently, then glanced past him to his three new recruits. “You see, soldiers? Going above and beyond the call of duty – that is how you get promoted.”

The three new guards saluted stiffly, and she continued on her way down, smiling at how helpful her guard captain was. Truly, she couldn’t have been happier with Shining Armor's choice for his replacement.

The passage led down from her private tower, but not all the way down to the main floors of the palace. Instead, its wide, spiraling stairway stopped halfway down the tower, then led to a covered walkway – a bridge between her tower and Princess Luna's.

In the center of this bridge's graceful arch, there was a small, glass-domed room that provided a stunning view of Canterlot and all of Equestria below. It was furnished with only the basics: a few comfortable cushions and a low table. And just like every day, Princess Luna met her there, flanked by her own bat pony guards.

Princess Celestia gave her a tiny bow, just a sign of respect between equals, and Princess Luna returned it.

As always, there was a lovely breakfast platter of hay muffins and fresh, seasonal fruit laid out on the table by the palace servants who always managed to do it invisibly. She availed herself of it enthusiastically, sitting down next to her cohort ... who didn't partake of the meal, save for indulging in a couple strawberries.

“So, sister,” Princess Celestia said, “What news does the night bring?”

Princess Luna sighed. “Shall you always be so formal? Nothing happened, of course. Nothing important ever happens at night.”

Putting a pause to her munching for a moment, Princess Celestia patted her sister on the back. “Oh come now, surely there must be something.”

Rolling her eyes, Princess Luna sluffed off her sister's hoof with a brush of her wing. “The ponies slept through another peaceful night, as is their wont. Honestly, Sister, even when the changelings invaded, they did so during the day. Nothing ever happens at night.”

Princess Celestia shrugged and went on to detail her plans and goals for the day, which Princess Luna sat through with her accustomed stoicism, seeming to suffer through it even though it was kept to a brief forty-five minutes at most.

By then, the breakfast platter was empty and the colorful hues of sunrise had faded into another beautiful blue sky. Princess Celestia rose, offered her sister another slight bow, then turned to leave.

“Ah... Sister, there is one thing...”

Princess Celestia stopped before leaving the chamber, turning to look. “Yes?”

“Well, we – the other princesses and myself – were trying to organize our monthly poker game, and—”

“Your what? Why have I never heard of this?”

Princess Luna glanced away for a moment. “Regardless of what completely accidental oversight may have led to you not being informed ... we are sadly one member short, since Discord has been temporarily suspended for cheating.”

“You invited Discord, but not me?”

“After much discussion, it was decided that he could join in 'Princess Poker Party Night' if he wore a tiara and a gown for the duration ... which he was strangely unopposed to.” Princess Luna shrugged. “But since he will not be allowed to participate this month, we are down to only three players, which makes for a rather dull game.”

Princess Celestia went back to her sister, stomping her hooves with every step. “I can't believe you wouldn't invite me! Is it because they think I can't be fun? I can be fun, see?” She hastily searched around the room, trying to come up with something. After a tense moment of regretting her rash confidence, she picked up a pillow from a nearby cushion and placed it on her head like an oversized hat. “See, fun!”

Her sister stared at her wordlessly for a long moment. The pillow-hat slowly lost its balance and fell down from Princess Celestia's head, but the Princess's tense smile didn't waver.

“Right... Fun.” Princess Luna looked around the room, anywhere else. “Well, regardless of the inexplicable lack of any previous invitations, we are inviting you now. Do you, ah ... know how to play Poker?”

“I invented Poker!”

Princess Luna gave her a long, highly distrustful look – which was entirely unwarranted. Princess Celestia had invented Poker, eight hundred years ago, whether anyone these days believed her or not. For some reason, she had developed a reputation for being ... rather uptight, which her sister had evidently bought into for some unfathomable reason. Eventually, Princess Luna shrugged it off. “So, you'll come?”

“Of course!” Princess Celestia nodded eagerly, somehow having skipped over any consideration of whether she actually wanted to go or not. “Where is it? Should I bring anything? How many bits should I bring to bet with – what kind of stakes do you normally play?”

Princess Luna waved her off. “Oh, we usually just play for the right to skip onerous duties, or for territory.”

“For territory? That's scandalous!”

Princess Luna grimaced. “I apologize. Do not trouble yourself, I am certain we will manage to get along with only three players. Please forget that I asked.”

“No, no, I'm still in,” Princess Celestia reassured her. “It's just ... territory? Wait... Oh please, don't tell me... The Crystal Empire?”

Princess Luna rubbed the back of her neck with one hoof. “Well, ah, that particular game did end up being quite high-stakes. But, yes, that is the reason all three of us insisted that the Crystal Empire should be Cadance's domain.”

“I can't believe you ponies! She won the entire Crystal Empire in a Poker game?” At seeing her sister's grimace, Princess Celestia rethought her tone. Perhaps that was a tad too accusatory. She wanted them to accept her and be her friends, didn't she? Friendship sometimes demanded compromise, and as much as she might disagree with the methods for the decision, she had to admit that Princess Cadance had been a perfect fit for the Crystal Empire's leadership. “Excuse me, I didn't mean to be rude,” she said. “When and where is this game held?”

“We play at the Ritz-Colton in downtown Canterlot, in the VIP room. It is simple to teleport in without being seen, and there is no need for guards.” Princess Luna began slowly backing away. “And it is taking place ... tomorrow night, as soon as the casino closes. I apologize for the short notice, but there was some debate among us about who would ... approach you on the subject.”

“What do you mean? Surely all of you know that you can talk to me freely about any subject whatsoever!”

Princess Luna glanced away, pursing her lips, and Princess Celestia thought back to the way she'd responded to the news about the Crystal Empire. Okay, so maybe she had reacted rather strongly to that – but it was entirely outrageous!

“So... we shall see you there?” Princess Luna asked.

Princess Celestia gave her the best smile she could manage. “Count on it!”
> Poker Face
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Princess Celestia arrived in the VIP room early – almost too early. Had she appeared a moment sooner, the last of the casino staff might have seen the teleportation flash of her arrival. As it was, she popped into the modestly-sized room close enough to see the door slowly swinging shut behind the last pony to leave for the day.

What the room lacked in grandeur of scale, it more than made up for in sheer opulence. It was the very top room of the casino's main spire, with the gently curving circle of the wall all around rising to a sharp peak high above her head. The whole ceiling glittered with gold leaf that had every appearance of being real. The plush carpeting and magnificent furniture was finished in a rich burgundy, with hardwood gaming tables polished to a lustrous sheen. A wrap-around bar dominated half the room, with a staggering array of crystal bottles arranged behind it. It was enough to make even a princess jealous.

Another flash emanated through the room, this one a blue so dark it was nearly black – Princess Luna had arrived. The Princess of the Night already began walking toward the bar before she noticed her sister was present. Stopping in her tracks, she turned and smiled. “Sister, you came!”

“Of course. Will the others be here soon?”

Princess Luna shrugged. “Soon enough, I imagine. I must admit, I arrived somewhat early, hoping to avail myself of ... some refreshments.”

Glancing over at the bar again, Princess Celestia raised her eyebrows. “Are we allowed to?”

“The casino staff shan't notice, as long as not too much goes missing from any one bottle.”

“Sister!” Princess Celestia snorted in protest. “This is unconscionable.” 

But Princess Luna had already made her way to the bar and levitated a couple expensive-looking bottles over to herself. “Lighten up, Sister. This is our fun night; no rule of law here. And besides, though the royal accountants are perennially incapable of proving so, the fact that this casino cheats on their tax filings is an open secret in Canterlot financial circles. Consider this an impromptu rectification of their unpaid tax burden.” She poured a glass and held up the other bottle toward Princess Celestia. “Cheers!”

Princess Celestia scowled as her sister emptied the glass in one deep gulp. “You know I don't drink...”

“Oh well.” With a carefree shrug, Princess Luna took the bottle she'd offered to her sister and instead poured a generous helping of it into her own glass. “More for me, then.”

Thankfully, Princess Celestia was spared from the need to sullenly watch her sister become a drunkard at the casino's expense. Two more flashes lit up the room, one violet and one pink. Princess Cadance and Princess Twilight had arrived.

Princess Twilight's face lit up as soon as she saw Princess Celestia. “Oh my goodness, you actually came! I can't believe it. It's so good to see you!” She ran up and gave her former mentor an un-selfconscious hug, right in front of the other princesses. 

Princess Celestia returned the smaller alicorn's hug awkwardly. “It's good to see you, too, Twilight.”

“I told you she'd come,” Princess Cadance said. “Now, enough with the mushy stuff. I came here to play poker, and I'm not leaving until I've won Saddle Arabia.”

Princess Luna set her third glass down on the bar and raised an eyebrow at the Crystal Princess. “We don't even have control over Saddle Arabia – none of us do.”

Undeterred, Princess Cadance trotted gaily over to the most opulent of the poker tables – the one right in the center of the circular room. “Well, I guess the loser will just have to conquer it for me, won't they?”

Princess Twilight broke off from the hug and looked over her shoulder at Princess Cadance. “Ugh. Last time, I was the one who got stuck with that duty. The Buffalo Peoples were not pleased with me. I am definitely not going to lose this time!” She started off toward the gaming tables, with Princess Celestia following close behind. Before they got there, though, she dropped back and walked by Princess Celestia's side. “Do you, ah, need me to teach you the rules? I know you probably don't get out very often, so—”

“That won't be necessary,” Princess Celestia interrupted. “I assure you, I am quite familiar with the game.” Internally she grimaced. Why did nopony think she could play the card game that she invented? Well, she would show them...


* * *


Princess Celestia watched with no small amount of amusement as Princess Twilight worriedly rubbed her face. She could hear the youngest alicorn whispering to herself: “Okay, pull it together, Twilight. So you lost Ponyville. No big deal, you lived there a long time under Celestia's rule. Just win back your own castle, and you can call it a night. You'll win the rest back some other night. Come on, you can do it...”

The other two princesses hadn't fared much better against their new opponent. Princess Cadance had already ceded the snowfields around the Crystal Empire and had committed to conquering Griffonstone in Celestia's name. And even though Princess Luna had been playing conservatively, she'd owe Princess Celestia thirty years of not needing to preside over Grand Galloping Galas and three hundred years of not officiating the tax collector's summit.

Of course, Princess Celestia fully intended to forgive most of her fellow princess's debts once the game was over. Most of them. But for the time being, it was rather entertaining to see their once-cocky expressions turn glum and their once-derisive humor turn bleak. For at least the past hour, she had been the only one of them to give more than a momentary smile – in fact, she was beaming the whole time ... which the others seemed to find insufferable.

Lifting the cards in her golden magic, Princess Celestia dealt out the next hand. “Okay, Twilight,” she teased. “This round is it – I'm getting the elements of harmony back this time.” She knew intimidation was the key to that – so she smiled at Princess Twilight. “You have the first bet... Ante up.”

Princess Twilight's horn flickered, sending a pink glyph out into the middle of the table. “One element of harmony ... Kindness.”

All eyes turned to Princess Luna, who sent out her own small glyph, a dark blue one that was much more complex. “Twelve years of diplomatic envoy duty.”

Princess Twilight shot her a dirty look. “Seems a little light, compared to one of the most powerful magical artifacts in all of Equestria...”

“Diplomatic envoy to Yakyakistan,” Princess Luna specified.

The other three princesses all nodded sagely. That was certainly an equitable wager. 

But Princess Luna groaned. “Fie upon all of us, being beaten so badly is depressing. Can no one liven this game up?”

“I'll see your element and your envoy duty, and I'll raise you with majority control over the Equestria Games venue selection committee.” Princess Cadance sent a new glyph out into the middle of the table. “... And if you want things livened up, I could always tell you about my weekend, since it's finally just us girls. There I was, getting my weekly massage in the Crystal spa – from a hunk of a crystal stallion, I might add – and he's getting a bit more touchy-feely than most. When I happen to look down and notice that he's completely hard.” She gave the ponies around the table a conspiratorial glance. “And believe me when I tell you: when a crystal pony gets hard, he gets rock hard.”

Princess Celestia grimaced, completely forgetting to place her own bet. “Oh my goodness! What ever did you do?”

“I jumped on him and had my way with him, of course!” Princess Cadance laughed. “No way I'm letting that meaty of a crystal cock go to waste!”

Covering her mouth with a hoof, Princess Celestia gasped. “B-but ... Shining Armor!”

Both Princess Twilight and Princess Luna burst into laughter. Princess Cadance took a deep swig of pricey bourbon, then leaned in conspiratorially toward Princess Celestia. “Puh-leas. Prince Dopey is nice and all, but I'm the Princess of Love! You can't expect me to limit myself to just one cock in my life – that would be a breach of, of...” She took another gulp. “Of my royal duties ... or something.”

Princess Twilight snorted. “Look at that, Princess of Love, but she doesn't know the first thing about love!” She closed her eyes and leaned back, as if replaying sweet memories. “If I had a stallion as handsome, as caring, as adorably squeezable as Shining Armor, I wouldn't go around town lifting my tail for every stallion that sniffed me...”

“Oh no.” Princess Cadance groaned. “Not again!” 

“If I had a stallion as utterly perfect and amazing as Shining Armor, I would treat him right. I would be waiting for him every night, and we'd spend the whole sunset gently kissing on our own private balcony, and as soon as the sun dipped below the horizon, we'd—”

“But – for the last time! – you don't have a stallion like him!” Princess Luna blurted out.

Still with her eyes glazed over in sweet memories, Princess Twilight made a slight keening sound. Her own bottle was nearly empty now. “I almost had... Um, I almost had a stallion like him. We'd spend beautiful evenings together just like I said, and he was so kind and supportive... But then some two-timing hussy came in and swept him up.” She opened her eyes, just barely, and glared across the table at Princess Cadance. “And he's been getting mistreated ever since. It's the greatest tragic romance of all time, I tell you!”

“Enough!” Princess Luna slammed a hoof down on the table, making crystal glasses clink. “Nopony wants to spend all night listening to Twilight Sparkle croon about her 'great lost love'. Let me tell you about this fantastic bat pony guard I have discovered! He—”

“Pfft!” Princess Cadance poked Princess Luna in the ribs. “Can we just skip to the part where you say, 'And it turns out, bat ponies don't just hang from the rafters – they're hung'? We all know how this story ends, and it isn't getting any funnier.”

Princess Luna glared daggers at her. “Well, it is still better than listening to Twilight Sparkle's incestuous—”

“Hey!”

“—I mean interesting story.” Shaking her head, Princess Luna glanced around the table, desperately searching for something to forestall the inevitable rebuttal from Princess Twilight's side of the table. And then she found it. “Sister! Surely you have some wonderful tales of debauchery that none of us have yet grown tired of – please, save us!”

“Me?” Princess Celestia held a hoof over her chest. “Oh, I couldn't!” But all eyes were on her now; they were totally putting her on the spot. “Because, um... A princess doesn't kiss and tell!”

This earned groans from all around the table. Princess Cadance poked her with a wing-tip. “Well, look at miss prissy-pants here. I guess she's won so much that she thinks she's better than us second-rate princesses!”

“Now, now,” Princess Luna said placatingly, “no need to get involved in arguments over who is the best princess. I should know better than anypony that such discussions do not end well.” She looked across the table. “I'm certain my sister didn't mean anything of that sort. She merely has some reticence to work through.”

Even Princess Twilight leaned in toward Princess Celestia. “Come on, tell us! We're all princesses here – nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm sure it couldn’t be worse than some of the things Cadance tells us about!”

It looked like she was stuck with it ... but she could always just make something up... “Okay... Um, um... Yeah, I totally had sex last night.” Princess Celestia glanced around the table nervously. “With, um... With one of my guards! Two of my guards!”

“Ah, scandalous!” Princess Luna said ... rather unfairly; it didn't seem to Princess Celestia that she had any room to talk on the subject, after what she'd been about to say about her night guards.

“What was it like?” Princess Cadance asked. “Come on, we need details – juicy details!”

“It was, um, good.”

“Ugh!” Princess Cadance smacked herself in the face. “Come on!”

Princess Celestia gulped as she looked around the table. Everypony was still entirely focused on her ... if only some interruption could happen and divert their attention, her story would soon be forgotten. But, unfortunately, none came, and she was forced to elaborate. “Well, I was with the, um, two guards, like I said, and one of them was saying, 'Oh yeah, take my penis,' but the other one was already on top of me, doing me with his penis, so I said, 'I can't! The other one already has his penis inside my vagina!'” 

A glance around the table showed that her story still wasn't satisfactory. And worse, the other princesses were beginning to look a little skeptical.

She'd just have to make the story better, to really convince them. “And then he said, 'I don't care, I'm going to put my penis in your vagina anyway!' Then he did – he got up with the other one and they both put their penises inside! It was so, um... good.”

Princess Twilight's face scrunched up. “Wait... They were both mounting you, at the same time? How does that even work, physically?”

“Sister, this tale is obviously untrue,” Princess Luna said. “Why ever would you fabricate such an outlandish story? It is unlike you to lie.”

Celestia felt a cold sweat beginning to break out under her fur. “What? No! It's completely true.”

Princess Cadance gasped. “Oh my gosh! I've figured it out... She's a virgin!” She pointed at Celestia. “You are, aren't you?”

“Pfft, not since I was, um... twelve!” Despite all the stress, Celestia did her best to appear nonchalant, waving off Princess Cadance's accusation. “I get tons of penis, all the penis I want.”

One of Princess Cadance's eyebrows slowly rose. “Oh, really. Tell me, then, what does it feel like to hold a stallion's cock in your hooves, hm?”

Celestia's eyes darted all around the table, but neither her sister nor Princess Twilight seemed to offer any relief. They both watched her, intently waiting for her answer.

So she took a deep breath. “It's, um, the best feeling in the world, so long and stiff, um... Like a, um... Like a tree branch!” Saying that almost made her wince, but she forced herself not to – she had a charade to keep up, after all.

Princess Twilight's jaw dropped. “I can't believe it, Cadance is right! You're totally a virgin!”

“No I'm not!” Desperation began to kick in. “Sister, tell them I'm not!”

Princess Luna tapped a hoof to her chin, looking up toward the ceiling. “I never have seen my sister involved with any stallion ... or any mare, for that matter. I always assumed she was simply very private and reserved. But this – this would make sense.”

“How can you do it? How can you survive for over four thousand years without getting any action at all?” Princess Cadance stared at her. “I'm a mess if I have to go without for a week!” 

Shaking her head slowly, Princess Luna grinned. “So much about her makes sense now...”

“I'm not a virgin!” Celestia yelled out, jumping away from the table. “Stop saying that!”

“There is nothing to be ashamed of, Sister. At some point all of us—”

Celestia teleported all the way back to her suite in the castle with a single flash, leaving her winnings to fizzle out on the table. 

Back in her safe, familiar suite, she jumped down onto her bed and covered her face with her hooves. “Ugh! No! How could I have been so stupid? A tree branch, really? Stupid, stupid Princess! Now I'm never going to hear the end of it!”

She wallowed in her shame and agony for quite some time, but as the night wore on and she grew tired enough to entertain the idea of sleep, she managed to calm down some. “I'm just making a big deal out of nothing,” she assured herself. “They'll probably just laugh it off and we'll forget about it before tomorrow's sunrise.” Her keen inner sense of time told her that was only a couple hours away now ... she'd better get some sleep while she could. Tomorrow would take care of itself. 
> Holding Court
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning's familiar routine served to further comfort and reassure Princess Celestia. Even though she was rather tired from the long night and too little sleep, she decided that it would be best to stay optimistic about the day ahead.

That optimism lasted until exactly ten in the morning – the moment she walked into her royal audience chamber to begin the routine hearings of the ever-popular day court.

As soon as she entered, she noticed that she wasn't the only princess in attendance this time. All three of the other princesses had inexplicably decided to visit the day court. Thankfully, none of the petitioners had been admitted yet, so nopony else would witness the embarrassment she surely expected.

She stared down the other princesses as she made her way to her throne. “And what are you three doing here?”

“We have come to put forth a petition, upon which the very fate of Equestria hangs in the balance,” Princess Luna said theatrically.

Celestia stared at them, giving them a deadpan glare. “You don't say?”

“We do say!” Princess Cadance added in. “It seems Equestria's foremost ruler has somewhat of a problem with a lack of–” she snorted a little, struggling to contain her laughter “–tree branches!”

At that phrase, all three of them burst into uproarious laughter ... which Celestia did her best to ignore as she made her way to her throne. She breathed a heavy sigh when she sat down. Despite her best efforts to fool herself last night and this morning, she should have known that these three wouldn't have enough dignity to leave the matter at rest. Of course they would come here to rub it in. 

That didn't mean she had to humor them, though. “Very well, but your petition will have to be put in at the end of the line, just like everypony else's, and I'm afraid we have a very full docket today – you may wait and see if any time remains at the end of court hours, if you wish.” And, of course, there wouldn’t be any time to get to it; Celestia would make sure of that by taking plenty of time with each and every one of her petitioners today.

“Oh, I don't think so,” Princess Twilight said with a smarmy grin. Celestia didn't like the look of that, not at all. Nothing that made her former student look so smug could possibly be a good thing. Princess Twilight used a flash of magic to teleport a hefty law book into the air in front of her, where she held it with yet more magic. “Equestrian Royal Court Bylaws and Regulations, Article Three, Section Seven: And I quote, 'On no occasion shall one co-equal royal deny access to the court to any other co-equal royal.' Section Eight: 'Upon receiving written notice of a petition from a co-equal royal, the court shall place said request at the beginning of the queue, to be heard as soon as possible, allowing for the court's hours of operation.'” She slipped a loose page out from between the book's pages before teleporting the book away, then floated the page over to hover in the air in front of Celestia. “Here's our written notice of petition, form C.O. dash three forty-five A. It’s signed in triplicate and stamped by the court scheduling secretary.”

Celestia didn't reach out to grab the paper, not even when Princess Twilight let go of it and let it flit down to the floor. What would the point of reading it be? They clearly had her backed into a legal corner here.

She massaged her face with a hoof, trying to rub away her own frustration, as well as a little lingering tiredness from last night. “Oh, very well. Have your fun. But try to make it quick – I do have actual petitions to hear today.”

“No you don't,” Cadance said trotting happily over to stand in front of the throne. Both of the others followed close behind her. All of them were smiling giddily.

Princess Luna nodded in agreement. “We have sent them all home, telling them that the Sun Princess must delay their hearings due to a serious health condition.”

“You did what?” Celestia jumped up from the throne. “Do you have any idea what kind of destabilizing rumors are going to spread when ponies think I'm sick? And what if those petitioners had something truly important and urgent to bring to my attention?”

Princess Twilight waved her – entirely valid – concerns away. “I checked. The most important petition on the docket today was a motion to rename Canterlot's Northwest Boulevard to Mareton Hoofer King Junior Boulevard.”

Celestia plopped back down on her throne and crossed her forehooves over her chest in what could almost be called a pout. “That could be important. Names are important.”

But Princess Twilight wasn't impressed. “Canterlot already has a Mareton Hoofer King Junior Boulevard. Having two of them would just make it confusing.”

“You know what confuses me?” Princess Cadance asked, waggling her eyebrows.

Celestia stared at her niece. “Nopony wants to know that.”

“Nonsense,” Princess Luna countered. “I would very much like to hear it. Pray tell!”

Princess Cadance grinned like a filly who'd just gotten her cutie mark. “I'm confused about how in Equestria anyone could go for over four thousand years without getting laid and still be sane!”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Very funny.”

But Princess Luna nodded gravely. “Indeed, I share Cadenza's concerns for the sanity of our leadership. This condition puts the throne at great risk, and it must be rectified with the utmost haste!”

“Now, I want to be very clear,” Celestia said, straining her patience to the limits, “that I mean this from the very bottom of my heart, and to each and every one of you personally: Get bent.”

Princess Cadance snorted out a suppressed laugh. “It's you who needs to get bent, Auntie – get bent over the edge of the bed, that is, while some lucky stallion gives you his ... tree branch!”

Once again, Celestia had to suffer through a round of raucous laughter from her fellow princesses. Truly, none of them had a single redeeming quality whatsoever.

As soon as Princess Luna managed to contain her mirth, she stepped forward, a little closer than the other two. “In all seriousness, Sister, you must do something about this. You know not what you are missing!”

“I'm not missing out on anything,” Celestia insisted. “I have a very fulfilling life!”

“With your dolls?” Princess Luna quirked an eyebrow at her.

“They're not dolls, they are collectible plushes! They're very valuable! And I don't see why you need to go bringing those into this!”

“Easy there, Luna.” Princess Twilight stepped in front of Princess Luna, holding her back with a hoof. “What I'm sure Luna means to say is that we're here to help you and support you in any way we can.”

That almost felt reassuring ... until Princess Cadance ruined it with a, “Oh yeah! We are going to get you so laid!” She cupped one hoof around her other forehoof, then sharply thrusted it through in a lewdly graphic gesture. “I'm talking miles of cock – miles and miles!”

Celestia grimaced at them ... mostly at Princess Cadance. “That's very, ah, kind of you, but I respectfully decline. I do not need nor want your help.”

Princess Cadance shook her head. “If you didn't need our help, you would have taken care of it long before now.”

Princess Luna nodded in agreement. “Indeed. That is why I notified my night guard that I would need volunteers.” She grinned. “And when I told them they were signing up for a 'very special mission', I did not lack for volunteers!” With her magic, she unlatched the door to the audience chamber.

Dozens of bat ponies flooded in through the open doors, with more and more following in behind. Before long, they filled even the impressively massive audience chamber, and still there were a few left outside who couldn’t squeeze in. 

“Impressive, aren't they?” Twilight said. “Which one are you going to pick?”

Princess Cadance raised her hoof up above her head. “Ooh! Ooh! I have a recommendation: all of them!”

“None of them!” Celestia shouted. “I don't want your help! LEAVE ME ALONE!” With a burst of angry yellow magic, she teleported out of the audience chamber and back to safety.

The three remaining princesses blinked in the wake of the blast of royal Canterlot voice they'd just received, as well as the blinding flash. 

“Was it something I said?” Princess Cadance asked. 

Princess Luna shook her head. “Nay. My sister sometimes has rather irritable moods. I am certain she will recover and forgive us, at least within a thousand years or so.”

The Night Captain stepped up next to Princess Luna and gave a curt bow. “Your Highness, does this mean our services won't be needed today?” Though he did his best to hide it behind a mask of professionalism, the slouch in his posture and the droop in his wings gave away the glum turn in his mood.

But Princess Cadance grinned and nudged Princess Luna's side. “I do hope you won't dismiss them so rashly. After all, we have this room to ourselves now, and I have the next few hours completely free. Shall we?”

Princess Luna replied only by grinning deviously and fully extending her wings.

Princess Twilight, though, kept staring at the spot where Celestia had disappeared. “You girls can have fun, but I'm going to sit this one out... I think I need to go talk to her.”

Rolling her eyes, Princess Luna huffed. “We just tried talking to her, and the results were not particularly fortuitous.”

But Princess Twilight didn't listen – her horn was already glowing. A moment later, she also disappeared in a flash of teleportation.
> Mentor and Pupil
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Celestia nearly jumped up out of her golden horseshoes when a loud knock came from the door to her chambers. Nopony ever knocked on those doors. If they were invited, they would be let in and announced by her guards. If they were not invited, they would never make it past the guards.

The knock came again, more insistent this time. 

“Who is it?” Celestia asked, staring at the door.

“It's me – Twilight.”

Celestia snorted. “Ugh. I should have known you three would never stop. May I at least interpret the courtesy of your knocking to mean that you shall refrain from invading my private quarters if I refuse you?”

“It's just me, actually. And I'm sorry we made fun of you... I hope you know we'd never really want to hurt you. It's just that you're always so unassailable and, well, perfect. We don't often get a chance to joke around ... and once we did, I guess it let a lot of pent-up frustrations come out at once. We... Well, we overdid it. I overdid it. There's no question about that. Can I please come in and talk to you about it?”

For a few long moments, Celestia let the question hang. But, eventually, her nature got the better of her. She couldn't hide from the other princesses forever, and she valued her relationship with Princess Twilight – with all of them. If Princess Twilight really was as contrite as she said, this was the time to forgive and forget. She nodded, even though Princess Twilight couldn't possibly have seen her through the door. “Very well. Come in, please.”

The doorknob rattled. “Um ... it's locked.”

“Oh, of course. I'll just—”

Before Celestia could walk over and unlock the door, Princess Twilight teleported through it, popping up right in front of her. Celestia took a step back, suddenly unsure about giving her former student permission to enter.

Princess Twilight took a step back as well, seeming to understand Celestia's need for a little space. “I really do want to apologize for the way I acted back there ... the way all of us acted. I know we try not to be formal with each other, but still. That was out of line, and we took things way too far.”

“There's nothing to apologize for,” Princess Celestia told her, finally smiling again, and even blushing slightly. “I simply overreacted to jests that I'm sure were made in good faith.”

Nodding slightly, Princess Twilight finally found the courage to look Princess Celestia in the eyes again. But she still had a slight air of apprehension about her. “But, well, um... And I would completely understand if you don't want to answer this, but... How did this happen? How could you have lived for four thousand years and never ... you know? Not even a little?”

Princess Celestia gave a slight sigh. “Are you, perhaps, in the mood for a story?”

Smiling, Princess Twilight nodded eagerly and sat down.


* * *


When I was a young mare – much younger than now – I was as eager to explore the fascinating new world of, ah ... intimate relationships as any young mare. Perhaps more so than most. And perhaps that was my undoing.

My first paramour, a young stallion by the name of Sterling Steel, was every bit as inexperienced as I was myself. However, to the misfortune of us both, he thought himself to be a highly knowledgeable and capable lover – he had read a great many romance novels of dubious quality.

Things had been going well as we kissed and gradually worked our way to the bedroom. He tended to use too much tongue, and use it sloppily, but at the time I didn't mind so much. But when we arrived in the bedroom he laid me out on my back and bade me to prepare for a special treat, lowering his head between my thighs.

If I ever do find out which book gave him the idea that mares love having their 'nub nibbled', I shall surely ban it! 

That colt bit me – hard – in a very sensitive place. 

He apologized profusely, of course, the moment I stopped screaming. But the damage had been done, and I was far too sore at the time to think of any further activities that day ... or that week, when it came to it.

Neither of us ever spoke of the incident again, both of us far too embarrassed to mention it, and we soon drifted apart, finding interest in other ponies instead. I do hope he was more gentle with the next mare.

My next stallion... Well, that one was entirely my fault.

He was an up-and-coming lieutenant in the Royal Guard, the youngest ever to be awarded the honor of being on my personal security detail ... and he was quite the looker, I might add. Unfortunately, my attraction to him was all too strong. 

As he was trying to mount me, I became much too impatient. I pushed myself back toward him quite eagerly ... too eagerly. I ended up pushing him straight into a stone wall, and even then I didn't stop, sure that the great moment would come at any time.

By the time I realized something was wrong, the young stallion had passed out from lack of breath. It turned out I'd been crushing his diaphragm so roughly that he hadn't even been able to cry out. 

I had to call for the royal medics – and though they were tactful enough not to ask how he'd been so injured, I was nonetheless mortifyingly embarrassed.

That poor young stallion never could see me again without immediately fleeing for his life. He had to quit the Royal Guard. Of course I set him up with a handsome pension and a fulfilling position in the security detail for our ambassadors to Saddle Arabia ... but I'm still remorseful to this day that my unchecked ardor cost him his career and his dignity.

After that, I spent several generations of normal pony lifetimes avoiding any romantic interests...

Until nearly a hundred years had passed. After time had softened the blow of my previous mistakes, a new stallion approached me. He was suave, debonair, the utmost height of Canterlot nobility ... and he completely swept me off my hooves. He always knew exactly what to say in any situation, and he was a delight to merely be around. I'd fallen for him before I even realized what was happening.

We dated for months before I finally convinced him to join me in the bedroom. Unfortunately for me, that was when the illusion fell apart.

The poor fellow did try his utmost, I must give him that. But no matter how convincingly he could fake a romantic interest, he was as gay as they come, and the one thing he couldn't fake was sexual arousal. No matter how I tried to entice him, I wasn't able to elicit any physical response whatsoever.

After we talked for some time, I finally convinced him to admit it: He had no interest whatsoever in mares – he had only been trying to woo me in order to climb the social ladder.

In a way, I'm grateful that he was gay. If he hadn't been, then the deception could have progressed much further, and it would only have been all the more painful when it was finally broken. I removed him from Canterlot high society in disgrace, but he did contact me once, years later, to thank me for it – he said he'd met the most wonderful stallion during his exile, inviting me to their wedding ... which I'm proud to say that I attended. I gave them my full blessing, glad to see that he had moved beyond that point in his life.

But I digress. The more important point is that after that incident, I never again allowed myself to become romantically involved, no matter how charming my suitors were. I could never tell if their interest was genuine, or if they merely wanted me for my position. So I walled myself off. Eventually, my desire faded as well, and I believed myself born to be celibate.

However ... I must admit, seeing others succeed where I failed – most notably Cadance and Shining Armor – has made me wonder if I made the right choice.


* * *


“Oh my goodness,” Princess Twilight said. “That sounds terrible.”

Celestia buried her face between her hooves. “Of course it's terrible! Twilight, I'm a mess. What should I do?”

Princess Twilight stared and blinked for a moment, no doubt flabbergasted by the thought of being asked for advice from her former mentor. Though it took her a considerable amount of time, she did eventually snap out of it, however. She sidled over next to Celestia and laid a hoof across the older princess's shoulders. “Well, if you ask me, I don't think you should let a little ribbing from the other princesses hurt you too deeply, and you shouldn't let it completely change your life, either. You shouldn't let us dictate what you do with your life – this sex stuff should be the last thing on your mind.”

Celestia looked over at her. “Do you really mean that?”

“Of course. You can make your own life choices, and the rest of us have no right to criticize you for that.”

Princess Celestia smiled and drew herself back up to her full height. “Thank you, Twilight. You have no idea how much this means to me.” After a moment, the thought of something else came to her. “I should go back to the throne room and speak with Cadance and my sister.”

“No!” Princess Twilight shouted before Princess Celestia could teleport away.

“What's the matter?” Princess Celestia asked.

“Um...” Princess Twilight glanced around, as if searching for the right way to say it. “They might be, um, indisposed back there for a while.”

“The bat pony guards?”

Princess Twilight responded only with a miniscule nod.

Princess Celestia shook her head. “My my, such degenerates. Well, perhaps I shall walk back, and take the scenic route.”

“Make it a long walk!” Princess Twilight said.

Princess Celestia laughed slightly. “I'll be sure to take it slow. Perhaps in the meantime, you could go down and inform them of my intentions?”

With a curt nod, Princess Twilight teleported away in a flash of purple magic.

For her own part, Princess Celestia made for the door to her chambers. Perhaps a leisurely and dignified stroll through the palace's grounds would be just the thing to clear her mind...
> The Call of the Wild
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Princess Celestia's optimistic mood lasted exactly as long as it took her to traverse the first hallway. And then it began.

It was just a chance encounter, something she might have shrugged off under normal circumstances: As she rounded the first corner, she spotted a mare and a stallion – one of the off-duty guards kissing a cleaning maid on a break from her shift. They were deeply entangled with each other, so absorbed in each other's company that it took them a long moment before they noticed the Princess watching them.

Of course they apologized obsequiously, then departed precipitously at the slightest hint that they were free to go. 

But the damage had been done. Seeing them together had awoken something inside Celestia, something that had been asleep for a very long time ... and was now cranky about being ignored.

She tried not to pay any attention to it, of course. But now that the itch was tingling inside her, she began seeing reminders everywhere she looked. 

When she came to one of Canterlot Castle's courtyards, she found a fountain she had long overlooked. It was a simple pillar standing up above a pool of water, spraying water from the top to trickle back down into the pool below. And though she had thought nothing of it for hundreds of years, she now found it unmistakeably phallic.

She quickly ducked out into the gardens, hoping to find something else to think about. Unfortunately, she'd forgotten about the Statue of the Two Lovers stood just outside. Stone though they were, their adoration and desire for each other shone through the masterful carving work clearly. 

Putting a little extra haste in her step, Celestia turned away from that as well. She hurried over to the next section of gardens, hoping for a little peace ... only to be confronted by the sight of a couple bunnies going at it like, well, rabbits. The little creatures paid her no mind, continuing to hump madly at each other.

Celestia darted back through a different entrance to the castle, going at a nearly unseemly pace now, almost a hurry. 

She couldn’t find any respite there, either, though. She'd come in through an entrance that led to the Royal Ballroom, and it was full of workers – many of them fine-looking stallions – who were setting up for Sapphire Shores' latest charity concert. But why did the concert have to be named 'The Climax; What You Need', and why did the banners they were hanging up have to be so suggestive?

Letting out an un-princess-like whimper, Celestia dashed through the ballroom and into the hopefully-empty corridor outside. 

It wasn't empty. Just outside, a trio of Canterlot's best bakers were struggling to angle their huge confection into a doorway on the opposite side of the hall. It was artfully crafted into the shape of a bullet train, and just as Celestia came to terms with what she was seeing, the three of them finally managed to get the angle right and push the trolley and its suggestively-shaped cake into the tight doorway.

Of course it was just them working on preparations for the Equestrian Railroad Magnates meeting. Celestia herself had approved their proposal to consider adding a new line between Manehattan and the Crystal Empire. The sight of that long cake slipping into the narrow doorway, the sound of the bakers' relieved sighs as it finally fit inside ... they shouldn't have such an effect on her, but they did. 

Celestia actually screamed as she shoved her way past the bakers and down the hall, nearly spilling their precious cake in her haste. If she could only get back to the throne room and talk to the other princesses, she could... Actually, she didn't know what that would accomplish, but she needed something, and she needed it bad! The thought of talking to the others was the only thing that gave her hope of relief.

Even as she outright ran through the castle, she couldn't avoid constant reminders of exactly what she didn't want to think about. How could it be that she was seeing such things everywhere today? Why did it have to be today? Why did it have to be happening to her?

Finally, though, she reached the doors to the throne room. Her guards seemed surprised to see her approaching – for all they knew, she was still inside. But they opened the doors all the same, and they did it quickly enough that she didn't even have to slow down.

All three of the other princesses waited for her there. And they'd even managed to get rid of the bat pony stallions in time ... but they hadn't managed to do anything about the smell. It hit her like an ocean wave: the heady musk, the unmistakable scent of sex. It made her head spin. “Oh come on!” she shouted into the room in general. This was far too much to handle, even for her!

Princess Twilight ran toward her. “Celestia! What's wrong?”

Celestia tried to cover her nose, but it didn't help quell the stirrings inside her much ... especially when she spotted certain splatters of unmentionable liquids on the floor. She squeezed her eyes and her nose shut, groaning as she tried to block everything out.

“Celestia? Are you okay?” Princess Twilight touched a hoof to Celestia's chest.

“All three of you, meet me ... in my private audience chamber,” Celestia choked out. “And... And please have those two ... shower before they come.” The moment she'd gotten her message out, she teleported once more, sending herself instantly back to her safe and familiar suite. 

Finally, she could breathe again, and everything here was so familiar that none of it would make her think about ... things she'd rather not think about. Soon, she'd be able to talk to her fellow princesses and get some excellent advice on how to handle this.

The thought of that should have made her feel better ... but there was a fire burning inside her now, and the prospect of a helpful conversation wasn't putting it out.


* * *


When the three other Princesses finally arrived in Celestia's private audience chamber, she had already been waiting for far too long. She jittered in place, forcing herself to not jump up and accost them before they'd had a chance to seat themselves.

Instead, she vented her feelings through a little subtle sarcasm: “I trust you had pleasant showers?”

“I did, thank you!” Princess Cadance replied without the slightest hint of irony.

Princess Luna stretched luxuriantly as she sat down. “I availed myself of a mango-citrus scented bubble bath, actually. It was most invigorating.”

Well, at least they didn't reek of sex anymore. And perhaps they could help her with the predicament she'd been dealing with... She sighed deeply before admitting it: “Girls, I need your help.”

Princess Twilight leapt up from her seat at merely that small proclamation. “Really? I thought you'd made up your mind!”

But Princess Cadance smirked all too knowingly. “Do you now? Whatever with?”

Celestia glared at her. “Please, no more jocularity for now. This is serious.”

Thankfully, that seemed to be enough to garner her three earnest stares from the other princesses. At least they were beginning to take her seriously.

She took a deep breath. “I have taken some time to reflect upon my situation, and I have decided that I would like your help after all. Would the three of you please help me, ah...”

“Get laid,” Princess Cadance offered.

“... Lose my virginity.” Celestia shook her head. “It shames me to admit I need assistance, but it has been so long since I had any such aspirations. Where would I even start?”

“Shall I summon the Night Guard back?” Princess Luna asked with a disingenuous grin. 

Princess Cadance gave a happy squeal. “Only if you bring enough for everypony!”

“Girls!” Princess Twilight said sharply. “This is no joking matter. We should be seriously trying to help Celestia!”

“Was somepony here joking?” Princess Luna asked, deadpan. Princess Cadance snickered. 

Princess Twilight shook her head. “No! Her first time should be special, with somepony she has real feelings for. Not a bunch of horny bat ponies!”

“Don't knock it 'til you've tried it,” Princess Cadance said with a laugh.

Celestia cleared her throat. “I'm afraid that I have to agree with Twilight on this – I fear that a horde of bat pony guards might be somewhat more than I can handle to begin with. Though I do still desire your help, should you offer it in good faith.”

Princess Twilight nodded. “So, how about it, girls? Are we going to help Celestia get some action? I know I'm going to do anything I can to help.”

“I shall endeavor to my fullest!” Princess Luna proclaimed. 

Princess Cadance threw her hooves up in the air. “Yes! We are so going to get Celestia laid!”

Celestia winced, but she knew she'd asked for this. And she was fairly sure she wanted it ... or at least that all this talk of it had stirred her to an unhealthy desire that had to be sated somehow. “So...” She glanced in turn at all three of the other princesses. “How is this going to work, then?”

“I could summon just a few of my guards,” Princess Luna offered. “Gentle ones, suitable for a beginner...”

Princess Cadance scoffed. “Are you kidding? Just let me take her to one good party, and I'll have her swimming in dicks by midnight!”

“How about we start slow?” Princess Twilight said. “Maybe with a bit of a makeover? It would do wonders for your confidence, I'm sure.”

“Oh come on! She needs more than that!” Princess Cadance rolled her eyes theatrically.

A knock came from the door to the private audience chamber, shushing everypony up immediately. It was followed by a muffled voice: “I'm terribly sorry to intrude, and I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I was told I could find Princess Celestia here? I need to speak with her on an urgent matter.”

Glad to have some diversion from the unique stresses of dealing with the other princesses' attempts to help her, Celestia smiled. “Please come in, so long as it will be brief.”

The door opened, and one of the Canterlot nobles came in – a white stallion with a blue mane, wearing a dashing black sport coat. She knew him: Fancy Pants. Though she'd seen him many times before, something new clicked in her mind when she saw him now ... maybe because of the way she'd been thinking lately. But now, she saw him in an entirely new and very interesting light.

He bowed immediately when he came in; if he was shocked to see all four princesses here, he showed no sign of it. “Your Highness, if I may?”

“Please, go ahead.” Celestia said with a nod.

“I know all of your audience appointments for the day have been rescheduled, but there was one urgent matter that simply cannot wait: the plans for this year's Royal Masquerade Ball are nearly complete, but we still haven't the slightest idea which princess will be the official guest of honor. And I'm afraid the proposal needs to be submitted no later than tomorrow evening, or the ballroom space might not be possible to reserve, which would be a complete disaster.”

Celestia took a quick glance at her fellow princesses. None of the others seemed interested. “I would be glad to fulfill that roll myself. Are there any preparations I should make?”

“Oh, I couldn’t possibly trouble you with those details now,” Fancy Pants replied. “You are obviously engaged in what is no doubt an extremely important discussion with your fellow royals. I shall schedule another audience at a later time to discuss the details with you – as long as the proposal is submitted on schedule, we have plenty of time before the actual day of the Royal Masquerade Ball.”

Princess Twilight elbowed Celestia's side, and when Celestia glanced over at her, Princess Twilight tilted her head a little and wiggled her eyebrows meaningfully toward Fancy Pants.

Celestia understood, of course. And she was certainly amenable to the idea of getting to know Fancy on a more personal basis – he had always seemed one of the least repulsive of the Canterlot nobility. Steeling herself and struggling to control her blush, Celestia decided to make her move. “Actually, perhaps instead of the day court, you could come to my personal suite, say ... Friday evening, and we could discuss it over dinner?” She gulped, suddenly stricken with the apprehension that he would understand her real purpose ... and disapprove of it.

“I, um...” Fancy Pants blinked at her, obviously blindsided by the request. “Of course. It would be my pleasure.”

“And Friday evening at seven is an agreeable time?”

“Naturally.” Fancy Pants nodded. “Now, I shan't keep you a moment longer. This couldn't possibly be more important than what the four of you were discussing. Thank you for your time.” With another deep bow, Fancy Pants excused himself from the room.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Princess Luna chuckled to herself. “My my, Sister. That sounds suspiciously like a date.”

Celestia felt her cheeks burning furiously. “Perhaps... But it is far from certain that it will lead to what you are implying.”

“So you still need our help, huh?” Princess Cadance smirked. “Sapphire Shores' The Climax concert is on Saturday night. If you go there with me, I guarantee you'll get some dick!”

That felt like a bit too much for now ... and out of the three different ideas the three princesses had proposed to her, there was only one that seemed like it might be appealing. “Twilight,” she said, “I believe you said something about a makeover?”

Princess Twilight grinned broadly. “Totally! I know a few ponies in Ponyville who can make you irresistible!”

“Are you sure?” 'Irresistible' seemed a bit too ambitious for Celestia.

“Trust me. I've seen them make a donkey look good. With you, they'll be able to make supermodels jealous!”

Celestia shrugged. “Very well. Shall I meet you in Ponyville Friday morning?”

“That is some interesting timing, Sister.” Princess Luna raised an eyebrow. “One might almost think you were trying to impress a certain noblepony.”

Celestia blushed again. “Perhaps...”
> Stranger in the Mirror
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rather than having her private carriage hitched to the early train to Ponyville on Friday morning, Celestia opted to teleport. After all, the last thing she wanted today was to make this a state visit and definitely not an occasion. She was supposed to be incognito.

Not that she could ever truly avoid being recognized. There could never be any way to hide her stature, her cutie mark, or especially her distinctive mane and tail. 

Long-distance teleportation was tricky, but Celestia had long since mastered the art. She appeared precisely where she meant to: just inside the entryway of the Friendship Castle. 

The pony doing the teleportation can never see the flash herself, but it must have been bright indeed, since Princess Twilight's assistant, Spike, immediately came running down the castle's main stairway. He rubbed at his eyes and tried to blink out the glare. “Woah... What was—?” When his eyes cleared enough to see who it was, he bowed immediately. “Princess Celestia! What are you doing here...? Er, what I mean to say is, what brings you here? We weren't expecting any visitors.”

“Actually, I was expecting her.” Princess Twilight came down the stairs behind him, at a much more sedate pace. “But this is supposed to be an unofficial visit, and I knew that if you were aware of it ahead of time, you'd have to do something to prepare and make an event out of it.”

“But Twilight, now she's here, and I haven't prepared anything at all!” 

“That's the idea!” Princess Twilight said, smiling as she passed him.

“You needn't concern yourself.” Celestia did feel a little sorry for the young dragon. She usually tried to give advance notice of at least three days before traveling anywhere, for just this reason. “I will only be here for a moment, then Twilight will take me elsewhere. I won't be back after that, so it will be as if I was never here at all.”

With an expressive shrug, the little dragon went back up the stairs. Apparently, that was enough to appease him. If only the rest of her subjects could lighten up so easily...

Twilight gave her a quick hug when she reached the bottom of the stairs, then stepped back and looked at Celestia appraisingly. “So,” she said, “are you ready for Ponyville's best pampering and makeover?”

Celestia nodded. “Yes. However, I do think we should teleport there. I wouldn't want to cause a disruption just by unexpectedly walking down the street.”

“Of course. And I may have traded a personal favor or two in exchange for making sure the spa is closed today. We'll have the whole place to ourselves.”

It was regrettable that such a thing should be necessary ... but it would be better to do this without dozens of ponies gawking at them as the two princesses enjoyed a spa treatment. “Very well. Lead the way.”

Princess Twilight's horn glowed a bright purple for a moment, and then both of them flashed over to a new location. Celestia had never been here before, but from the look of it, the room couldn't be mistaken as anything other than the reception area of a small day spa.

Three ponies awaited them there – a matched pair of pink and blue earth pony mares whose colors were the inverse of each other ... and a brutishly huge white pegasus stallion who bulged with an obscene degree of musculature. All three of them gave a small, but respectful, bow when the two princesses appeared in front of them.

“Velcome, Your Highnesses,” one of the two mares said. “Everything is already prepared ... if you would please come vith us?”

As she followed the spa ponies and Princess Twilight deeper into the spa, Celestia wondered if this was even necessary. She didn't consider herself ugly by any means. Why, there was a considerable recurring element within Canterlot fashion of emulating her in any way possible.

Or, at least, there had been. Celestia didn't concern herself very much with the tedious ebb and flow of fashion; who could possibly stand to do so for thousands of years? But even she had noticed that the proliferation of princesses had caused some significant changes in the fashion world. Princess Luna had returned from the moon, Princess Cadance had come into the spotlight with her magnificent royal wedding, and Princess Twilight had taken Equestria by storm when she ascended. Consequently, the ever-popular whites and golds in Canterlot boutiques had been sidelined by dark blues ... and then by ruffled pinks ... and then by purple stripes.

Celestia sighed. She was confident in her looks, confident that the fashion cycle would sooner or later come full circle. But... There was a possibility that her looks had become old fashioned over time, that she was no longer keeping up with the current trends. And while an aloof ruler could afford to assert a disdainful distance from the vagaries of fashion trends, the same could not be said for a pony in search of love.

Steeling herself, she resolved to take whatever treatments they recommended. She would need to be fashion-forward if she was to be successful in wooing a suitable stallion, would she not?

She needn't have been so concerned this early on. Their first destination turned out to be a steam room. The blue-coated spa attendant motioned the princesses toward the room. “Now, ve should begin vith a simple, relaxing steam, no? You may place your belongings in ze changing room here, and our friend Bulk Biceps vill ensure zat no harm comes to them.”

The huge, white pegasus saluted and gave a powerful snort through his nose.

In a matter of moments, Celestia had divested herself of her royal regalia and replaced it with warm towels fresh from the wash instead. As accustomed as she was to her accepted accouterments, she had to accede to the idea that the soft, warm towels were much more comfortable than gold plate.

“Isn't this nice?” Princess Twilight said as they settled into the steam room. “Just taking the morning to relax and be pampered a little?”

“Mm-hm.” Celestia nodded and gave an excellent impression of giving into the relaxation. But on the inside, she couldn't stop her mind from drifting forward to her 'date' with Fancy Pants later today. It had been so long since she made any attempt at dating ... and there was so much that could go wrong...


* * *


They hadn't held anything back in the pampering. There had been the sauna, the massages, the warm mineral water bath, and even a peculiar kind of hoof-soak that had made her feet tingle pleasantly. It was a most pleasant experience, and it surprised Celestia that Ponyville boasted a day spa on par with even the best Canterlot had to offer.

Eventually, though, it was time to move on from pampering to primping.

As the two princesses followed their spa pony expert – the pink one this time – from the post-soaking hoof massage toward the more salon-oriented side of the spa, Princess Twilight hummed quietly to herself.

Despite all the relaxing treatments, though, Celestia wasn’t in nearly such a delightful mood. “So, Twilight,” she said, forcing herself not to speak hesitantly, “what other treatments have you scheduled me for?”

“Oh, I couldn't tell you!” Princess Twilight giggled. “That would ruin the surprise.”

“I do not intend to be surprised, Twilight. I merely want to ensure that it won't be anything ... too extreme.”

They came into the styling salon before Princess Twilight could answer, but she stopped the blue spa pony from interrupting long enough to tell Celestia, “Don't worry – I've scheduled the exact same treatments for myself, so you know it won't be anything too crazy.”

At Princess Twilight’s nod, the blue spa pony smiled and gestured them toward a pair of swiveling chairs. “If it pleases you, ve can begin vith ze vetlock treatment?”

Celestia settled into her chair and glanced over at Princess Twilight. “Vetlock treatment?”

“The unshorn fetlock look,” Princess Twilight said smugly. She waved off Celestia's indignant glare. “Trust me, it's all the rage right now, and I hear it drives stallions crazy. And all it takes is some brushing and a few subtle fur extensions. I'm sure you'll love it.”

Celestia was more skeptical. It seemed so ... primitive. Nowhere near sophisticated enough for a princess. But ... she had to admit that she was no expert in the current trends. It would probably be best to trust Princess Twilight's advice. “Very well...”

While the blue spa pony took care of Princess Twilight, the pink spa pony assailed the fur above Celestia's hooves with a vast array of obscure tools with unguessable purposes. Nefarious purposes, Celestia assumed. 

Still, she tolerated the treatment, on the assumption that Princess Twilight would know what she was talking about.

Although the process seemed to involve an exhausting amount of work, it didn't take long. These spa ponies were incredibly efficient at what they did. They lifted one leg after another, and within a shockingly short time, stood back and admired their work. “There,” Celestia's spa pony said, “how does zat feel?”

Celestia stood up and moved her hooves experimentally. The fur behind her hooves was much longer now ... obscenely long. She looked uncivilized. But how did it feel? “It ... tickles somewhat, especially when my hooves brush up against each other.”

“You'll get used to that pretty quickly,” Princess Twilight said. “And then you won't notice it at all.”

“If you say so...”

“I do say so.” Princess Twilight laughed. “Now... Lotus, Aloe, are we ready for the next treatment?”

“Of course!” they both said in unison, rushing off into the next room.

Celestia glanced over at her former pupil. “And just what would that be?”

The spa ponies came back in, wheeling a bucket-laden cart in front of them. “Your vet mane treatments haff arrived!” they announced.

“Wet manes? So ... they're simply going to dump a bucket of water over my head?”

Princess Twilight laughed again. “Oh no, don't be silly! Of course not. Water would dry out much too quickly, and you'd be back to normal by the time we leave the spa. They have a special mane oil that lasts for days!”

The pink spa pony butted in: “Days? Oh no, not anymore. With ze assistance of your friend, Zecora, ve have developed a new formula zat lasts at least a veek!”

“Wonderful!” Princess Twilight clapped her hooves together in glee. But then she noticed Celestia eying all three of them with a healthy dose of skepticism. So she came over and laid an unshorn-fetlock hoof on Celestia's shoulder. “Don't worry. How about we have them demonstrate it on me first? I'm sure you'll like it.”

Celestia nodded her assent, and the two spa ponies began working on Princess Twilight.

As she watched, she was relieved to see that they didn't simply dump the pot of mane oil over Princess Twilight's head. Each of them carefully dipped combs into the mixture, then brushed it into Princess Twilight's mane, artfully stroking into the desired shape.

Because of that, this treatment ended up taking far longer than Celestia would have thought. They made steady progress, though, and within half an hour or so, they seemed satisfied with their work.

Princess Twilight looked over into the mirror, then back at Celestia. “So, what do you think?”

The younger alicorn's mane had lost its characteristic springiness, and instead hung down lustrously long over her shoulders. Her straight-cut bangs slid down to partially obscure her eyes ... Celestia did have to admit that it looked rather alluring. She nodded. “I suppose I can see what ponies like about this fashion. Shall we do mine next?”

“Of course!” the blue spa pony said.

The pink one wheeled the cart over to Celestia. “Your mane though... It is very special. Ve vill have to test zis new formula to see how it vorks...”

Celestia waited, exercising her age-old patience. “Naturally. Please do.”

The blue spa pony dipped her brush in the oil mix and carefully ran it through the base of Celestia's magically waving mane. 

It did have some effect, but it wasn't nearly as dramatic as what the stuff had done to Princess Twilight's mane. The spa ponies had to treat the same tiny section of Celestia's mane five times before it finally hung down the way they wanted it to.

Once they'd finally finished that one tiny spot, they set their combs down and looked at each other. They glanced at Celestia's enormous mane, then back at their half-empty mane oil bucket, then back at Celestia ... and then finally back at each other. “Ve are going to need more oil!” they said at the same time.


* * *


It took hours to complete, but finally, Celestia was allowed to look at herself in the mirror. Her lustrous and softly-glowing mane hung down nearly straight to the ground, and part of it actually trailed on the floor. Her tail looked even more drastic, flowing down behind her into a multicolored puddle that followed her wherever she went.

Princess Twilight came up next to her. “So, what do you think?”

“Honestly, Twilight?”

“Of course.”

“I think it looks dreadful.” Celestia reached up with her hoof and brushed a long, drooping strand of it away from her face so she could see it with both eyes. Her horn jutted up out of the flowing mess, seeming even more ridiculously long now that less of it was hidden by hair.

“No!” Princess Twilight made an insincere giggle of sorts. “It's, um... It's...”

“It's making me look like the swamp monster from the pastel lagoon.”

“Oh, don't be silly. It's very fetching ... very mysterious. Maybe a little severe ... it makes you look like a mare with secrets. Okay, maybe dark secrets, but interesting ones. It makes you seem intriguing. I think you could pull it off – why should Luna be the only one who gets to be dark and mysterious? Have you seen the way she uses that? Stallions are attracted to her like flies to a bug-zapper. Everypony likes a bit of mystery and suspense.”

Celestia shook her head, which sent her mane to rippling. I'm ... not entirely certain I can manage such a persona.”

“Oh, oh!” The blue spa pony came running up to Celestia's other side. “Ve have just ze treatment to reduce such severity! It increases ze cuteness tenfold. Aloe, bring ze final treatment!”

The pink spa pony was there almost instantly, and she held ... a juice box.

Celestia stared at it. “And... What are you going to do with that?”

“Ve do? No no no! You do!” She thrust the juice box toward Celestia.

Taking the box carefully, Celestia held it in front of her. “I... I'm afraid I don't understand.”

“Well, don't keep us in suspense,” Princess Twilight said. “Give it a sip!”

Celestia glanced back and forth between the three other ponies for a few moments before slowly raising the straw to her lips. She gave it a small sip, unavoidably making slurping noises with the straw. It was cherry flavored.

“Oh, just look at how self-conscious she is!” The blue spa pony beamed. “Is zis not ze cutest thing you did ever see?” The pink spa pony bounced up and down with glee.

But Princess Twilight tilted her head and quirked her mouth to the side. “I don't know... It sort of clashes with the 'dark and mysterious' look her mane gives her. And it completely goes against the 'untamed beauty' look of her fetlocks. It might be too much.”

Celestia put the juice box down. “This is it? This is your 'treatment'? What happens when the juice runs out?”

“Ve have very many juice boxes – zere will alvays be anozer when you need it.”

Celestia glanced over at Princess Twilight, who shook her head slightly, frowning. Some moments just called for judgments to be made, and this would be one of them. Celestia made up her mind. “No... I think I shall pass on this one. Twilight is right – it's too much.”

“Such a shame...” The pink spa pony shook her head. “But are you at least feeling ze confidence now zat you have been so beautified?”

Looking at herself in the mirror again, Celestia grimaced slightly. Her reflection looked so strange. “Um... Maybe?”

Princess Twilight hugged her. “Don't worry – you call pull it off, and it's all the rage right now. When you go out on that date, you're going to knock him senseless!”

With just a slight tilt of her head, Celestia hid her face away behind her 'wet' mane. Knock him senseless ... or perhaps send him running for the hills. She gulped. “Ah, yes... I'm sure I shall.”
> Dinner and a Show
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Celestia stood just in front of the door between her actual private quarters and her public private quarters – the area set aside for her to entertain guests in a more private, intimate setting without actually inviting them into her very bedroom.

It was time. Fancy Pants would be waiting for her in there. Why was she nervous about this? He should be the one nervous about meeting her! She was a princess. 

But she didn't quite feel like one right now. She felt like a silly little mare about to approach an eligible stallion without any clue how to successfully seduce him. “Twilight,” she whispered, “I don't know about this. Do I look acceptable?”

“You look magnificent.”

The reassurance from Princess Twilight felt good, even if it was predictable. Celestia had asked her to visit just before the meeting with Fancy Pants for just such a reason. Somehow, deep inside, she'd known that she would need support before she could open this door.

She took a deep breath. “And Cadance has seen to setting the table and selecting the entrees?” If anypony knew just how to set the mood for a business meeting in order to steer it in a romantic direction, it would be the Princess of Love.

Princess Twilight hesitated. “I...” She glanced back and forth. “Actually, the makeover took so much time, we got here so late. I haven't had enough time to look over the preparations that Princess Cadance made. But I'm sure she's done it perfectly. We both know we can count on her to do everything she can for you.”

Celestia nodded. “Okay. It's time.” Actually, it was well past time. The appointment had merely been for 'evening', but it was nearly night now: almost too late to call evening. She had no idea how long Fancy Pants had already been kept waiting on the other side of that door. She couldn't delay it any longer.

She reached out to open the door. Princess Twilight dipped away out of sight. And then Celestia finally saw what waited for her on the other side.

Fancy Pants had been sitting at the small table, looking listlessly up at the crystal chandelier, but the moment he noticed the door open, he shot up out of the chair and gave her a deep bow. “Your Highness.”

The lighting was subdued, and Celestia's normal oblong table had been replaced by a quite small, circular one, scarcely big enough for two. Its frilled linen tablecloth was bare, save for the shining silverware, two tall candles, and a single red rose in a slender crystal vase. She should have known Princess Cadance would put too much effort into making it intimate.

“Please, please, none of that,” she told him. Of course he would have to make a show of royal respect, but that wasn't how she wanted their time together to go, not at all.

When he rose and finally got a good look at her, his eyes went wide. His monocle dropped down and dangled on its chain from his waistcoat. “P-princess, you're...”

She smiled gently – and hopefully with a bit of mystery – and began to slowly step forward. “Good evening, Fancy Pants. I trust that— Gaah!” She'd trodden on her 'wet' mane and tripped. She went down hard, sprawling onto the marble floor in a mess of pastel mane. Her rump stuck straight up in the air, her slicked-down tail drooping down from it like the saddest victory banner ever.

Fancy Pants rushed to her side. “Princess! Are you hurt?”

Her cheeks flushed hotter than the core of the sun – and she would know – but she was otherwise unhurt. “I ... I'm okay.” 

She rose back up with what little remaining grace she could manage. Then, taking very particular care, stepped off of her own mane and resumed her slow walk to the table. She had to stare down at her unshorn-fetlock hooves the whole time, just to ensure she didn't trip again. Of course, she was still blushing, so her downcast eyes only made her look all the more embarrassed.

Fancy Pants took notice of this, and he tried to reassure her, “You have my word, Princess, that word of this will never leave the room. I'm well acquainted myself with what it feels like to have one's gaffes publicized, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Please, don't worry about anypony hearing of this.”

Ugh, to be patronized by him! But at least he wasn't laughing.

“And if I may be so bold as to say...? That new mane-style of yours is, well... It's very intriguing, to say the least.”

Celestia looked away from him. “It's hideous, isn't it?”

“No, no! Certainly not!” He moved around her to be able to see her face beyond the drooping mass of her mane. “It's very fashion-forward, and the lengths you've taken it to are, well ... charming.”

“Do you really think so?”

“It's already very fashionable. I dare say, if you wore your mane like that in public, I'd soon be hard-pressed to find a single mare in Canterlot who didn't also adopt the wet mane look.”

The quirk of phrasing made her ears perk up. “Is that ... something you're often trying to do, find single mares?”

“Oh, no. Heavens, no!” It was Fancy Pants's turn to blush, and seeing him like that made Celestia feel a bit better about herself. He turned toward the table. “Well, I mean, I'd given myself up to lonely bachelorhood long ago, but recently my daughter, Fleur, has been pushing me toward finally finding somepony... I've made a few inquiries, but nothing serious. I'm not certain it will amount to anything.”

Wow. This was turning out better than Celestia had any right to hope for. If only she could keep the conversation on this track, it might just lead to—

“But we'd better be getting down to business, shouldn't we? I'm sure you're far too busy to be occupied with the romantic pursuits of a silly colt who's too old for the dating game. Shall we begin with discussing the preparations for the Masquerade Ball?”

Suddenly, Celestia felt as deflated as her mane. Just when she thought somepony might think of her in a different way, there he was seeing her only as 'the Princess' again. She gave the same sort of silent sigh she often did, the kind that none of her little ponies ever seemed to pick up on, and then she carefully stepped over to the table and sat down.

The moment Fancy Pants was seated as well, a bevvy of servers rushed in from a hidden entrance. How long had they been watching? They laid out an elaborate meal for two, complete from the seared asparagus on a bed of pasta to a pair of little heart-shaped raspberry torts sprinkled with flecks of edible gold. The servers filled two generous-sized glasses with wine and left the bottle before fleeing wordlessly back into their hiding places.

Celestia winced at how blatant the display was and made a note to herself to chastise Princess Cadance – this was supposed to be a business meeting that would turn romantic if things went well, not a cheesy date for two!

But if Fancy Pants took any notice of the amorous connotations of the dinner or the setting, he studiously pretended not to. He smiled warmly, tasted a bite of the asparagus, and complemented the palace chefs. And without taking any further notice of anything on the table, he launched into his initial purpose. “Now, as you know, the Masquerade Ball is a fairly simple affair, and there shouldn't be too many surprises this year, since we plan to be very traditional this time around. But you should know that we'll be starting the ceremonies with a rather unusual...”

Celestia sighed again, then nibbled on an asparagus stem. She had been to at least a hundred of these balls, and while there were things she needed to prepare for, she could safely trust a bored and half-conscious part of her mind to take note of it all. In the end, her appearance there would be flawless, as always. But the greater part of her was focused on something more immediate – did Fancy Pants, even for a moment, see her as a mare? As a 'single mare'? Could he see her that way? But as he went on and on about costume themes and timetables, she more and more despaired of ever getting through to him that way. She had to act, she had to steer the conversation in that direction – no pony, not even Fancy Pants, could ever be expected to take that first step toward her. She would have to do it herself.

Interrupting his monologue, she reached a hoof out toward him. “Fancy Pants, may I ask you, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to ... what might you be looking for in a mare?”

He looked down at her hoof, then up at her, then down again. “P-Princess, you're—”

“I know, I know. I'm being incredibly forward. And I don't want you to take this the wrong way, nor do I want to abuse my station. You are completely free to deny me, to refuse to even answer my questions. None of it will ever be held against you.”

“But, Princess! Your—”

“Please, no. I don't want you to think of me as 'the Princess' right now. Please just tell me, one stallion to one mare...”

He stared at her, aghast. “Princess, your ... your fetlock is in my wine!”

Celestia looked down at the hoof she'd reached out toward him. Her trailing unshorn fetlock was indeed in his wine glass, deeply in his wine glass, and its luxuriant fur was greedily soaking up the dark red liquid. 

Startled, she yanked it out. Her wine-soaked fur splattered nearly half a glass ... straight toward Fancy Pants. The glass tipped over and splashed the remainder into his lap.

Celestia froze, her wet hoof upraised and dripping wine down her foreleg. “Fancy Pants... I am so sorry about this. Please, let me call in the servants, and they'll do their best to, um...” She knew that it would take hours of work to get stains like that out of his white fur, not to mention her own.

“No, no, don't bother them.” Fancy Pants slowly rose from the table. “If we've discussed the Masquerade Ball in sufficient depth, then perhaps I should be off? I could... Well, to be frank, I would benefit greatly from a shower and a change of clothes right about now.”

She lowered her hoof, planting a wine stain on the tablecloth. Twilight had coached her on asking him if he'd like to stay once the dinner was over, but none of those lines seemed at all appropriate right now. Even as her sharp wits came up with a substitute – 'Why don't you come and share my shower, Fancy Pants?' – she knew that it wasn't the time for such things. The evening hadn't gone well enough to justify it. That would make her look desperate, it would come off as incredibly tacky. 

Instead, she nodded. “I'm terribly sorry about this, Fancy Pants. And if you'll allow me, I hope to make it up to you sometime. But yes, I'm sure I am fully prepared for the Masquerade Ball now. You have my blessing and my sincerest apologies.”

Giving her something between a nod and a bow, and looking surprisingly regal despite the wine still dripping from him, Fancy Pants lit up his horn and teleported ... presumably back to his own suite where he could get cleaned up.

Celestia growled in frustration. These makeover ideas had completely ruined her chances! “Twilight! Twilight, get in here right now!”

No answer. Maybe Princess Twilight had left as soon as the dinner began, to avoid eavesdropping. Or maybe she had run away, laughing, as soon as her mischievous plans had been set firmly in motion. Had she planned all of this? It wouldn't be impossible. Twilight Sparkle was a very meticulous planner. Oh, she would have some very stern words with Princess Twilight once she found that pesky little alicorn!

One of her servants rushed in at the sound of her shouting. “Your Highness,” the mare said, bowing low. “Do you require anything?”

It took a moment for her to simmer her rage down to a level that wouldn't easily show on her face. “Thank you, Dew Drop. If you'd please, could you order a bath drawn up for me? And please inform Princess Twilight that I wish to speak with her as soon as possible.”

The mare nodded dutifully and ran off. Celestia knew the bath would be waiting for her by the time she made her way to her private bathing room. She wondered if this wet mane treatment would be more difficult to wash out than red wine...

Her cheeks went hot again. Her whole body felt uncomfortably warm. If only she could wash away the memory of this night, make it as if it never happened. It was almost enough motivation to send her searching for Starswirl's time travel spells, and let causality and the continuum of time be damned. 

But no, it was just a little embarrassment. After living for thousands of years, even someone as graceful as herself had to bumble enough to be familiar with embarrassment ... and to know that it would pass in time. Why, in a few hundred years, hardly anypony would remember this silly incident.

Still, though... The lost opportunity stung.
> One Red Rose
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Princess Celestia banged on the door of her niece's rooms. “Cadance! Cadance! I know you're in there!”

Her mane still drooped a little wetly, but she'd managed to wash out much of the wet mane treatment. To be honest, she actually didn't mind this partially wet look ... she might even keep it for a few hundred years, just to try it out; it was good to change things up every once in a while. Of course, her unshorn fetlocks were entirely gone, though – not only because she was entirely sure that Twilight had only put them there as a tasteless joke, but also because it turned out to be much easier to simply trim them off than get the wine stains out of them.

She pounded on the door again. “Stop delaying the inevitable! Your guards have confirmed that you are indeed in your rooms. Are you concealing Twilight Sparkle in there?”

The door cracked open a little, Princess Cadance's face peeking out behind the security chain. “Oh, I didn't hear you there!”

Princess Celestia's eyebrow slowly rose.

“Ah... right. Just a minute – I need to undo this chain!” 

The door slammed shut, and all manner of non-chain-related noises emanated from inside the room, including one startled yelp that sounded very much like Princess Twilight's voice. Finally, though, the chain was unhooked and the door opened. Cadance stood alone inside, breathing heavily, and smiling brightly despite it. 

Princess Celestia came inside and took a long moment to look around ... but nothing in particular seemed out of place. Princess Cadance might have been hiding Princess Twilight in here ... or perhaps she'd just been interrupted in the midst of coitus with her husband, and she felt the need to hide him for some reason ... possibly from the presumably awakened amorous appetites of her aunt. It didn't matter. If Princess Twilight was here, she would be listening from inside a closet or under a bed somewhere.

Of course, a bit of an awkward silence had passed as Princess Celestia looked around the room. Princess Cadance apparently felt the need to break it. “So... How did your date go?”

“My date?” Princess Celestia glared at her. This was partly her fault as well. “It wasn't supposed to be a date! It was supposed to be a casual business dinner that might later take a turn toward the romantic!”

Princess Cadance took a step back. “Auntie Celly ... why are you shouting?”

“Oh, don't you 'Auntie Celly' me, missy! You know what you did.”

Princess Cadance held her hooves up in the most innocent way possible.

“Heart-shaped raspberry torts, really? A single rose in the middle of the table? That doesn't seem like a little bit overkill to you?”

“Oh, that?” Princess Cadance shrugged. “Well, I thought you two might need a little nudge in the right direction, so...” She glanced up and down at Princess Celestia's new looks, at the way her auntie was still glaring at her. “I, ah... I take it that the date didn't go particularly well? Should I have used a bigger nudge?”

“It was an utter disaster!” Princess Celestia's eyes searched around the room again. “But, no... I shouldn't be too angry with you... What truly ruined the evening was ... Twilight Sparkle!”

A slight rustling noise came from Princess Cadance's wardrobe. Princess Celestia whipped her head around to glare at it, but she wasn't entirely sure that Princess Twilight would be hiding in there ... it could also be Shining Armor in an unfortunate state of undress and arousal. Best not to risk seeing that. She wasn't sure if she could handle such a sight right now. Still, on the chance that it was Princess Twilight in there, she could at least vent her frustrations a little.

Princess Celestia addressed the wardrobe loudly, “What truly ruined the night was Twilight's poorly-timed practical joke of a makeover! I was stepping all over my own mane and ended up sprawled out on the floor! My ridiculous unshorn fetlocks only led to an entire goblet of wine being upturned all over my guest! And the juice box, really? How was that even supposed to work? Does she think of me as a child?” She turned back toward Princess Cadance. “Twilight ruined any chance I may have had with Fancy Pants ... it will probably be her fault that I remain celibate for the next thousand years!”

“Easy, easy...” Princess Cadance held her hooves up, trying to calm her.

But she would not be calmed! “And I'm not done with you yet, either! What else was planned for this 'business dinner'? Were you going to have minstrels come in and serenade us? Was there to be an engagement ring hidden in the dessert? Oh... No, nothing with that level of class and elegance, I'm certain. Not from the Princess of Love! Desert was to be served with a side of condoms along with the breath mints, wasn't it?”

“I... I can see that you're—”

“Oh! Oh, can you see that? Can you?  I know you conspired with Twilight Sparkle to make a laughingstock out of me! Was my sister in on it? Was this her idea of a prank? Or are the two of you just trying to make certain that I stay lonely for the rest of my immortal life?”

“Aunt Celly! We were just trying to help!”

Princess Celestia rolled her eyes and scoffed.

“Look, I can see that you're really worked up about it. Let me make it up to you.”

“No.” Princess Celestia stomped her gold-clad hoof down. “I am not taking any more advice from the likes of you.”

Princess Cadance came up close to her ... a little too close for her current mood. “Auntie... It's okay, really. I understand. Anypony would get worked up after their hopes were built up so high and then dashed without getting any real action.”

Princess Celestia looked down at her niece with suspicion, but didn't interrupt her.

“What you need is just something to work the tension out and loosen up, then you won't get so worked up about dates and such, and you'll be able to shine as your true self.”

This wasn't sounding like anything very promising to Princess Celestia. “Oh, is it my own tension that ruined this date? I don't seem to remember it that way. I swear, Cadance, if you're about to tell me to go to the spa again, I'm going to—”

“No!” Princess Cadance laughed. “What you need is to get laid!”

Princess Celestia paused for a moment, hopefully letting the stupidity of that statement sink in to Princess Cadance. “Yes. That's what we've been trying to accomplish this entire time!”

“No no no. Just get laid. No dates, no relationships, no candlelight dinners. We just need to get some dick inside you! Then you'll be able to relax a little, and you'll be able to look for someone who really clicks with you without – you know – any weird jitters getting in the way. Start small and work your way up!”

She squinted at her niece for a moment, but she had to admit, she wanted to know where this was going. It sounded ... promising. “Oh? And how exactly would we accomplish this?”

Princess Cadance grinned smugly. “Tomorrow is Sapphire Shores's The Climax: What you Need concert. If you go there with me and do what I say, I guarantee you'll have that cherry of yours popped by morning!”

The impulse to be disgusted with her and storm out was strong ... but certain other impulses were stronger. “You'll guarantee it?”

Princess Cadance held her hoof up for a hoof-bump.

Reluctantly, Princess Celestia tapped her hoof against her niece's. This 'guarantee' sounded pretty good ... and it couldn't possibly go worse than last night, could it?


* * *


Celestia stood with Princess Cadance outside the doors of the concert hall. Loud altogether-too-modern music already boomed from inside. She glanced over at her niece. “But... the concert has already begun ... some time ago, by the sound of it. Shouldn't we have come earlier?”

“As if.” Princess Cadance laughed. She looked ... rather different. She'd slicked down her tail to make it sleeker and smaller, done up her mane in a ponytail, left her crown at home ... she looked at least ten years younger somehow. It made Celestia feel distinctly overdressed in her usual regalia, but Princess Cadance hadn't said anything about dressing differently. She punched Celestia a little too roughly in the shoulders. “Only lame-wads show up early and get a good seat. The real party is going to be along the sidelines anyway. Come on!”

The moment they entered, the music went silent. Every single pony in attendance turned around to see the entrance of the magnificent Princess Celestia. A spotlight turned on and shone down directly upon her. After a moment of absolute silence, somepony from the stage spoke up over the microphone. “Oh... It seems we have an unexpected guest! Everypony please give a warm welcome to Princess Celestia!”

A generous – but restrained – round of applause passed over the huge room, but it was nothing compared to the chaotic shouting and dancing from a moment ago.

“Thank you, my little ponies,” Celestia said, feeling that she needed to address them before they'd go back to what they were doing. “I'm flattered. But please, don't stop on my account – I'm just here to enjoy the music. Thank you all for being here!”

With that, the spotlight turned off, and the band struck back into the song, Sapphire Shores picking up the lyrics a moment later. The concert slowly worked back up to what it had been a moment ago.

Princess Cadance stared at her aunt. “Huh... I'm a princess and everything ... I even have my own kingdom – technically it's an empire. But they never do that when I walk into a room. Weird.”

“It's something you learn to live with.” Celestia shrugged. “So, about this guarantee of yours?”

Cadance looked around for the bar. “Um ... right. In light of that entrance and just, you know, the way ponies treat you, this might be a little more difficult than I thought. I'd better find you a stallion who's totally wasted. But don't worry – the Princess of Love guarantee still stands! Come on!”


* * *


“Djjjidd it hurt?” slurred the brown and red earth pony stallion in front of Celestia.

She looked down at his significantly shorter frame. “I beg your pardon?”

He grinned up at her as if he'd just delivered the punchline of the joke to end all jokes and discovered the secret to wingless flight while he was at it. “Wwwhen you fffell from heaven?”

“Ah...?” Celestia wasn't sure what to say. Was this some sort of jest, or did this stallion legitimately think that alicorns came from heaven? She busied herself by taking a sip of her drink – after all, Princess Cadance had been adamant that she hadn't been drinking enough yet tonight. Thankfully, the Princess of Love herself came back in to supplement the conversation before Celestia could be pressured into a poorly thought-out response.

“Auntie! Good, good. I see you've already met Red Rose!”

Celestia glared at her. “Seriously, another red rose?”

“Well, this one's going to be a lot more fun than a flower, I promise!” She grinned and patted the stallion on the back. “Are you two hitting it off?”

“I, um... Perhaps?” Celestia truly wasn't certain what was passing between her and Red Rose.

Red Rose himself, though, seemed all too sure of himself. “Lisshten, ladies. Theresh no ... no...” He belched loudly. “Theresh no need to fffight. I've got ppplenty to go around, and I don't ... I don't mind going hhhome with the both of yoush. I'm cooool wifff a threeway.” He gave them what might have been a charming smile if his eyes had been in focus and there wasn't a bit of drool at the corner of his mouth.

“Um, no.” Princess Cadance stepped away from him. “That's not on the menu. I have a loving husband waiting for me at home.”

The stallion grinned all the more. “A fffour-way then, wooo!”

Celestia glanced over at her and smirked. “That does seem like something you might enjoy...”

“No.” Princess Cadance shut her down with a glare. “We don't talk about that, not even when we've had a few drinks, remember?” She nudged Red Rose closer to Celestia. “Besides, we're not here for me. This little rose is a gift from me to you, Auntie.” She caught him as he wobbled and nearly fell over sideways and propped him back up again. “But I do suggest you take him home quickly. I'm not sure how much longer he's going to last, especially if he keeps going back to the bar.”

Celestia gulped. “I'm ... I'm not sure about this. Wouldn't it be kind of ... you know, taking advantage of him?”

“That's just your nerves getting to you again. Trust me, after tonight, all that nervous energy isn't going to be a problem anymore. Here...” Her horn lit up, sending a barrage of glowing red hearts out toward the stallion. 

He was nearly bowled over by the force of the magic hitting him ... but once it did, he looked up at Celestia in a whole new way. “Oh... Oh wwwow. Yyyou're so beautifhul! I've never sheen anyone sho... sho... lllovely!”

Celestia winced. “What did you do to him?”

“Just a bit of magic – that's the Princess of Love guarantee for you! And don't worry; it can only work if he's already into you at least a little bit, and I gave him a pretty low dose, so it should wear off by tomorrow.”

“Are ... are you sure about this?”

The stallion grinned up stupidly at her. “I've neverrr been more ssshure about sssomething in my lifffe!”

“Not you, doofus!” Princess Cadance nudged him to the side, almost knocking him over. “But yes, I'm entirely sure. It took me a while, but I finally found a stallion here who would be one hundred percent guaranteed to sleep with you, crown or no crown. And with a touch of my love magic for good luck, there's no way it can go wrong!” She patted Celestia's shoulder. “So go for it! Take him home and take your first brave step into a new world!”

Celestia took a deep breath. “Okay, here it goes.” Her horn began to light with a teleportation spell. A moment later, both she and Red Rose vanished in a flash of sunlight.

They reappeared inside Celestia's private bedchambers. She'd never had a stallion in here before.

She might have expected him to be awe-struck and looking around the room ... but he had eyes only for her. It was kind of romantic, even if it might have been largely an effect of Princess Cadance's magic. And ... and he was coming up to her, running his muzzle along her neck and her withers.

Celestia had to admit that felt kind of nice ... but then he was already behind her! Was this ... was this already happening? She felt like there should have been something more before they really began getting into it but... Oh goodness! There he was, already mounting her! She felt his hooves clutching at her rump, pulling himself up.

Not knowing what else to do and trusting that Princess Cadance knew what she was doing, Celestia went along with it. She raised her tail as much as she could underneath the stallion's belly, and she lowered her hips a little bit, to give the shorter stallion a better angle for ... for... She gulped. Was she really about to be penetrated for the very first time?

No. Apparently not.

Red Rose clung to her rump and wiggled his hips ... but nothing happened down there. Nothing made contact, even after it went on for some time. Celestia looked back over her shoulders at him, more than a little confused. She'd expected sex to feel more pleasurable than this. In point of fact, she'd expected to actually feel something.

He blushed redder than his own mane and slipped off her rump. “Oh, ummm, shorry. It, um... It it looks like I've gghot a bit, a little bit of the ol' wishkey dick.” He stood up wobbily on his hind legs, displaying the limp and shriveled phallus barely emerging from his sheath with an entirely undue amount of pride.

Celestia took a step back and winced... But not too far back – it looked like she might have to rush in and save him from falling over at any moment. He looked decidedly unstable up on his hind legs.

Red Rose did fall over ... but apparently by design. He stumbled over to her bed and flopped onto it backwards, belly up. And he immediately began stroking himself with both hooves. “Hhhold on jush a minnnuite,” he said. “I'll get thish baby up annn working in no timmme...”

Even as he spoke though, his hooves slowed down. His head tilted and slumped down to the side. His hooves dropped back down onto the bed. His body went limp. A moment later, he began to snore.

Celestia just stood there and stared at the passed-out stallion for a moment. Some 'Princess of Love guarantee' this was! Still, though, maybe it was for the best. She really wasn't sure about the whole idea of doing this. Not this way.

Before she could decide what to do about this situation, the stallion's belly heaved. He spewed a thin, foul-smelling yellow glop onto her bedsheets, then immediately fell asleep again as his own vomit soaked into his mane.

A small flash popped on Celestia's bedside table. Five condoms, a breath mint, and a note on pink stationary appeared there in a flash of pink magic. 'Be safe and get it good! – Cadance ❤ ' the note read.

Celestia groaned. At least the breath mint had been a good idea. Red Rose's breath had already reeked before he threw up all over himself.

That was it. She was done. Time to clean up and call it a night.

First and most urgently, she teleported Red Rose off to the emergency room of Canterlot Hospital. Enough alcohol to make a stallion pass out was always a concern for alcohol poisoning. The doctors there would see him, smell the booze in his vomit, and make sure he made it through the night okay.

Then, she carefully hid the condoms in one of her bedside drawers – hopefully to be used later, not just sit there for a thousand years – and she burned the note rather vindictively.

Finally, she teleported the soiled bedsheets off to the palace laundry. Some of the servants there would still know whose blankets those were and wonder how they'd gotten in such a state, but at least sending them there herself saved Celestia the embarrassment of her personal staff seeing her bed in such a state. She retrieved a new set of sheets from the closet herself – again, to spare herself embarrassment with her personal staff. She worked hard to cultivate a certain image of herself among her subjects, and she wasn't about to have that ruined.

The room still smelled vaguely sour, and Celestia now had an itch inside her that was going to make sleep difficult, if not impossible... But she had come to a valuable conclusion: Princess Cadance and Princess Twilight were both far too young and inexperienced to help her properly. What she needed was the advice of a fellow immortal. Princess Luna would know what to do.
> The Tower of the Moon
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Celestia arose even earlier than usual the next morning, well before the raising of the sun. She had a sister to visit, after all, and Princess Luna kept unorthodox hours. Most of the castle still slept, so she saw hardly anypony besides guards on her way from her own tower, across the narrow connecting bridge, and up Princess Luna's neighboring tower.

She found Princess Luna exactly where she expected to: gazing out over Equestria from her balcony, staring out over the land from her vantage point at the pinnacle of the Tower of the Moon. But Celestia knew her sister wasn't actually watching the landscape below – Princess Luna's eyes were glowing slightly, staring fixatedly ahead. She was dreamwalking.

Celestia waited patiently. Or, at least with every effort to appear patient, even if she didn't feel particularly patient on the inside. It wouldn't do to interrupt her fellow princess's nightly duties. So she simply had to wait, pointedly planting herself on a nearby plush cushion in order to better resist the urge to pace. Pacing would only disturb her sister more.

As she expected, it wasn't long before Princess Luna blinked the glow out of her eyes and came to. “Hello, Sister,” she said, without turning to look at Celestia. She knew – somehow Princess Luna always knew when Celestia was there.

“It's a lovely night.”

Princess Luna turned to look over her shoulder at Celestia. “Indeed. I do my best, though this night won't last much longer.” She peered at her sister for a bit longer. “However, I expect you did not arrive early for the lowering of the moon and raising of the sun without some other purpose in mind...”

Celestia sighed. So much for putting off this conversation with small talk. But there was no way around having it, and no way around it being awkward to talk about such things with her own sister. “It's about, well... You know.”

Princess Luna smiled then, and turned fully around toward her. “I'm glad you finally came to me, Sister. Have you tired of dear Cadance's dubious romantic advice already?”

“And Twilight Sparkle's.” Celestia shook her head slowly. “I have to believe they really are trying to help – in their own way – but nothing is working. Everything ends in disaster. I must say, I do not think they truly understand the struggles of beings as old as the two of us.”

Princess Luna nodded. “Yes... I have, given my long isolation, had similar troubles. But do not worry, Sister. I have just the solution.”

“You do?”

Surprising Celestia with a sudden hug, Princess Luna patted her sister on the back. “I know just what you need.”


* * *


Princess Celestia already found herself walking more easily, lighter on her hooves, as she made her way down from the Tower of the Moon. She should have done this from the beginning, she thought. It was always comforting and refreshingly pleasant to control the sky side by side with her sister, rather than in their separate towers – she should wake up early and do so more often. It felt lovely to reconnect once again. But not only that, she should have known that the younger – much younger – princesses wouldn't understand her own unique position. Their romantic advice might be perfectly applicable to ponies their own age, but only Princess Luna could understand and help someone as ancient as Princess Celestia.

Why, she could just about consider her troubles already solved. If anypony could help her, it would be her closest friend: the sister who had been with her almost since the beginning. The two of them knew each other as no other pony could ever hope to. Princess Luna would know just how to help.

If it weren't for the need to maintain her image of royal decorum, she might have found herself skipping down the castle corridor. And despite her formidable self-control, she was humming slightly under her breath – a tuneless, happy song to accompany her slow, graceful hoofsteps.

When another pony turned the corner in front of her, suddenly placing the two of them face to face, though, Celestia froze and gasped. This was no guard or castle servant. This was Fancy Pants!

“Princess!” Fancy startled, jumping back a little before dropping into a hasty bow. “I... I'm sorry. I did not expect you to be about the castle at such an early hour.”

It took Celestia a moment longer than it normally would have, but she regained her composure quickly. “No, no... No need to apologize, Fancy Pants. I did not expect to meet you either. I simply wanted to raise the sun alongside my sister lowering the moon. It's something I think I shall do more often in the future.”

He rose. “That sounds wonderful, Princess. But I'm afraid I must insist – I do have much to apologize for, and though I didn't have quite as much time to prepare such apologies, I want to make it very clear that the unfortunate events of our last meeting were—”

“No,” she insisted firmly. “You were lovely, as always.”

Fancy Pants actually blushed slightly at that, and he made no further move to argue the point.

“The blame for that should be entirely on myself ... or perhaps on a couple ponies who gave me particularly bad advice.” She stifled a sigh – Fancy Pants would be perceptive enough to notice even her subtle expressions. “It is I who should apologize. Not only for the spilled wine, but for maneuvering you into such a ridiculous situation in the first place. It was extremely inappropriate of me, and I promise such a breech of propriety will never happen again.”

“Never?” Fancy asked.

Was it just Celestia's imagination, or was Fancy Pants actually disappointed to hear that she wouldn’t be inappropriate with him again? Oh, what would a bold and uninhibited pony do in her golden horseshoes? Did she dare risk a recurrence of the same disastrous events? But without the meddling of Twilight and Cadance, perhaps there was a chance it would be more successful... Breakfast? No – she needed time to set this up properly. Lunch then. “Well... Perhaps you would care to join me for lunch today in my private quarters? Of course it would merely be between two friends and entirely casual.” She left the 'Unless...' unsaid at the end.

And from the way Fancy's eyebrows rose, he heard that silent 'Unless...' perfectly well. “I... I... I...” Was he actually stammering? Celestia had never seen this dapper pony ever become flustered in any situation. It was a new – and frankly rather adorable – side of him.

“I take it that I can expect company around noon today?” She gave him a sweet smile.

“Yes, Princess, of course!” He bowed again.

“No need for that, please. If we're going to be working closely together on Masquerade Ball preparations, it won't do to be constantly interrupted by groveling. Please, just think of me as a friend.” Or something more than a friend...

He rose immediately and began to resume his trot down the hallway. “Well, then, yes. I would love to be there. I'll see you at midday... Celestia.”

Celestia's heart nearly stopped when she heard her name like that. When was the last time one of her subjects had dared address her without title? It sent thrills through her whole body, and it was a long while before she came back to herself enough to resume her own way down the hall. Perhaps her chances weren't ruined forever with Fancy Pants. Or at least not ruined yet. She would need to ensure that their meeting was conducted properly this time, with none of Twilight's meddling with her appearance and none of Cadance's meddling with the ambiance.

In fact, yes ... she wouldn’t inform the other princesses at all! This was too important to risk them ruining it. Then it would only be her own jittering nerves she'd be contending with, and though they burned like fire now, if anypony could control herself immaculately in a stressful situation, it was her.

Now, to see about those lunch preparations...


* * *


Princess Celestia carefully put the meal she'd plundered from the castle kitchens down on her sideboard and spread out what she had to work with: sliced bread, fresh daisies, crackers and a bit of cheese she couldn't quite identify, pickles and chips for sides, and a bottle of some delightfully sweet-smelling juice.

Simple fare, but since she had decided to not even involve the chefs, this picnic-like spread would be the best she could reliably manage. She wasn't a skilled cook by any means. It had been centuries since she'd last done any serious cooking for herself, much less for others. And besides, as luxurious and well-appointed as her suite was, it did not include any accommodations for cooking. No oven or stove, no cookware, and the only sinks were in the two bathrooms – one private just for her and one 'public' for visitors to her suite.

Before she could set about organizing things or even think about preparing daisy sandwiches and slicing that block of cheese, the door to her suite burst open.

She wasn't facing it, but she already had a fairly good idea of who it would be. Barring a hostile invasion of Canterlot, there was only one pony in the world who would dare to barge into her quarters like that. Even in an emergency, her guards or castle staff would knock and wait for permission or at least announce themselves before entering.

“Yes, Luna?” she said, on the assumption that it wasn't the vanguard of an invading army.

“I have a present for you, Sister!”

Oh dear... Celestia hadn't heard her sister's voice that cheerful and innocent in a very long time. It surely couldn't be a good omen for what was to come. It brought to mind the time Princess Luna had come back from her very first Nightmare Night celebration – she'd stayed awake the entire next day, enthusiastically regaling her sister with tales of candy, spiders, and terrorizing children ... which she apparently found great joy in.

Reluctantly, Celestia turned to face her sister. Princess Luna held a huge cardboard box aloft in front of her with her magic – well-used and weathered, it looked big enough to hide a full-grown pony inside ... perhaps two, if they were on the smaller side and exceptionally friendly with each other. What could Princess Luna have possibly brought her that would necessitate a box so large and couldn't be entrusted to any of the castle porters?

Princess Luna slammed the box down on top of Celestia's table – right where she had been about to set out a firmly casual lunch for two with Fancy Pants. The other alicorn patted the top of the box lovingly ... while favoring Celestia with an enormously smug and knowing grin. “I have just the thing for you.”

Celestia eyed the box, eyed her sister, and slowly raised an eyebrow. “What is it?”

“Come on, don't keep me waiting – come open it!”

It was to be that sort of present, was it? But it wasn't gift wrapped or anything, nor did it have so much as a single bow. Boxes of this ilk could be found next to any dumpster ... at least in other cities. Canterlot had relatively few districts where such a thing would be tolerated by the local residents.

She slowly approached the mysterious box. “Luna,” she said slowly. “Just to be clear, may I safely assume that there won't be any aroused stallions leaping from this box the moment I open it?”

“Ooh, now that's an idea...”

Yes, Princess Luna was certainly in a dangerous mood at the moment, but at least it seemed that Celestia's worst fear would not be coming to pass ... yet. Right in front of the box now, she eyed its slightly bulging sides with even more suspicion.

“Come on! Do you mean to slay me with this suspense?” Princess Luna was practically dancing from hoof to hoof in anticipation.

Well, it would have to be opened sooner or later. Steeling herself for the worst and keeping a shield spell ready for instant activation, Celestia used her magic to slide open the top portions of the box from where they'd been folded together. With a whuff of musky-smelling air, it came open and its contents were laid bare.

It was filled to the brim with magazines. For a moment the sheer volume of them, all the clashing colors, and the bold titles dizzied her eyes. Then she noted that every last one of them – or at least all that she could see – featured a stallion in provocative or compromising pose on the cover. None of them exactly explicit, but all of them coming as close as possible.

“Is it not wondrous?” Princess Luna gushed. “Ponies have been so creative whilst I languished in the moon! There is so much for me to catch up on!” She levitated up a few examples, holding them in front of Celestia's face. “There's a nearly endless supply – Playfilly, The Studbook, Heat, Dirty Little Secret, and of course for the true connoisseur...” She held up yet another one, its pages more creased than the others. “Massive Meat Monthly!”

Celestia stared at them, aghast. “Luna! Is this ... porn?”

Rather than answer her, Luna held Massive Meat Monthly open sideways, letting a multi-folded page tumble down out from the center. Down, down, down. The single extreme close-up shot stretching all the way across that quintuple-wide page removed any doubt there could possibly be about the nature of these publications. The caption proudly proclaimed, 'Printed in actual size!'

“Luna!” she said again, all but yelling. What else could she say when confronted with something like this?

“Magnificent, is it not? I must say, this is one of my all-time favorites.” Luna turned the centerfold toward herself for a moment, admiring it before turning it back toward Celestia and holding it even closer. “Cadance and Twilight Sparkle were too ambitious, trying to start you with real stallions right away. I say you should start slowly and ease into all of this – and this is the perfect way to start! Why, if this fails to get you going, I have no idea what possibly could!”

“Luna!” Celestia said, one last time. “I... I can’t keep this. I can't be seen with this!”

“What, with this?” Luna dangled the page even closer to her sister, fluttering it back and forth. “Being seen with it is not the point, Sister! The point is what you'll see inside it! That is why I have provided you with such a convenient box to conceal your new treasures when you are not making use of them. Though...” She flashed a coy smile. “I do expect that you shall be making such use of these soon that there will be little need for the box!”

“No, Luna! I can't keep these!”

“But—”

“I said no!” Celestia snatched the floating magazines out of the air, overpowering Luna's casual magical grip with a much more forceful one and shoving all the magazines back in the box. “Take these back to ... to wherever it is you found them!”

To her credit, Luna actually paused for a moment, frowning slightly. But then, to her great detriment, she grinned knowingly. “Ah... I see. No matter how much you desire these, you must of course keep up appearances. By no means can you take them willingly.”

Celestia's eyes narrowed. What exactly did her sister mean by 'willingly'?

“In that case, I'll just leave you to it. Enjoy!” Luna then trotted merrily away, bouncing high with each hoof step and fluttering her wings slightly to enhance her mirthful prancing even more. Despite the gaiety of her gait, she reached the door of Celestia's suite with alarming rapidity, nearly before Celestia realized what her sister was doing.

Celestia rushed into action, grabbing the box in her magic and sprinting after her sister. “Oh no you don't! You're taking this back with you!”

“Am I?” Luna said, dashing through the door. “It does not seem to be so...”

Catching up to her just in front of her suite's entrance, Celestia shoved the box up against Luna's chest. “Take it!”

“Ew, no!” Princess Luna squeaked, pushing it back. “Sister, please – I do not want your giant box of porn!”

“What?” Celestia lessened her pressure, allowing her sister to escape a little more.

“You heard me, sister! Keep those disgusting magazines of yours to yourself – I want nothing to do with them!”

That was when Celestia noticed the two guards standing very near them. Both guards stared studiously straight ahead, pointedly not noticing her... Only, she knew from long experience that Royal Guards at this tier were well trained enough to notice everything. She froze, suddenly consumed with what these guards must be thinking after what they'd seen so far.

Luna used that opportunity to abscond almost all the way down the hallway. She only paused for a brief moment before disappearing around the corner ... to give her sister a mischievous wink.

Celestia turned toward the guards, pointlessly and ineffectively hiding the giant box behind herself. She tried to speak as sternly as possible, despite the raging blush she felt on her face: “You two saw nothing here. Spear Point, Rampart, I will know exactly who to punish if even the slightest rumor of this begins to spread.”

“Rumor of what, Princess?” Rampart said.

“Who are you talking to, Your Highness?” Spear Point asked. “There's no one in this hallway but the two of us, just as it has been for hours.”

“Excellent,” Celestia said, quickly retreating back inside her quarters and slamming the door behind her. She might be constantly beset by problems, but thankfully, unreliable guards were not one of those problems.

She disgustedly plopped the box down and returned to what she had been doing before. Once she found a suitable knife, she chopped at the cheese mercilessly.

Of all the pranks her sister could pull, why this? And to think, she had expected better assistance from her own sister than from Twilight or Cadance! What did Luna think she was doing? This was no time for jokes – Celestia was in real distress! Or was it even a joke? It sure seemed like Luna was very familiar with the contents of these magazines. They might actually be Luna's private stash ... which would mean Princess Luna was honestly trying to help ... with that? Celestia glanced back at the box on her floor and savagely hacked at the cheese block.

Still... She glanced again. Well, perhaps... If only to take the edge off and ease her nerves a bit... Maybe, just maybe, she might risk a peek after finishing the sandwiches...
> The Chase
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pages of a particularly intriguing Playfilly magazine opened up, suspended in Celestia's magic. Since she was stuck with this box anyway, and she had some time before midday, there would be no harm in satisfying a bit of her burning curiosity. Of course she'd never admit it – especially not to Luna – but there was no point in denying to herself that it held a little bit of appeal. Still, she would limit herself to just one magazine, not the hundreds in the box. And she'd limit herself to this relatively restrained Playfilly. She wouldn’t sully her hooves with the torrid likes of Massive Meat Monthly. But it would be good to educate herself on the subject a little, wouldn't it?

When it came down to it, though, Playfilly was nothing to trifle with. No indeed. Her eyes went wide as she found the centerfold – one massive photograph covering two glossy pages. “Oh my,” she whispered to herself. She of course understood the basic anatomy, but she had to admit, she'd never really gotten such an up-close look at a specimen of it. And what a specimen this was...

The doors to her suite burst open. “Fancy Pants has arrived, Your Highness. Introduced in accordance with your orders, the moment he arrived.”

Celestia gasped and shoved the magazine back into the box. Too late.

“Is that...?”

She spun around and stood in front of the box, blocking Fancy Pants' view with her wings. “Nothing!”

With his magic, he took his monocle out of his eye, polished it on his vest, then replaced it, peering through it at her closely.

“Nothing at all! Why don't we get started with some nice daisy sandwiches and perhaps some—”

“I could have sworn you were just looking at a full page photograph of, well, I wouldn't see fit to speak of it in such company if I hadn't just seen it.”

“Nothing important. I was just getting rid of this.” Celestia levitated the box away behind her, smiling broadly despite the apprehension she felt. Surely Fancy Pants of all ponies would be gentlecoltly enough to simply ignore such a small little thing and not let it get in the way of—

The old, musty box snapped along its bottom seam. Everything inside came out in a huge, tumbling heap on the floor behind her, leaving her holding just the empty box.

She froze like that, her mouth hanging open. How in Equestria could she possibly explain this?

As she stood frozen with indecision, Fancy Pants trotted forward, straight to the pile. He sifted through it with his magic, his face twisting into a more and more appalled expression with every filthy magazine he uncovered. “Timbre and Pitch, two twins who are packing more than just trombones... Troubleshoes – this month's massive meat is done wrecking rodeos and is ready to wreck your—”

“It's not mine!” Celestia used her magic to yank away the magazine he'd been reading.

But that just exposed the one underneath it. “One hundred and one ways to tie up a stallion and leave him begging!” Fancy Pants gasped and leapt backward. He bumped right into her carefully prepared sideboard, spilling all her meal supplies onto the floor. “Princess Celestia! What are you planning to do with me?”

“I wasn't—”

“I've got to get out of here!” Fancy Pants took off at a gallop back toward the door of her suite. Before the startled guard could even figure out if he was supposed to stop him, Fancy Pants teleported right past, appearing with a flash in the corridor just outside.

Doubt and mental anguish only paralyzed Celestia for a scant moment later. No! She would not let it end this way! Not this time! Not another disaster!

She took off after him, literally taking off and flying down the hallway in pursuit. The two befuddled guards glanced at each other for a moment, shrugged, then resumed their posts at either side of her still-open door.

The corridors of her castle whizzed by, and still Fancy Pants evaded her. He was faster than he looked, and every time she drew near, he teleported farther ahead. But she had to catch him she just had to. She needed a chance to explain herself!

She almost had him now. A little closer and... She pounced! ... And she skidded along the polished stone floor as Fancy Pants teleported to the other side of the hall and changed direction down a side-corridor.

Not so fast! Bolting off after him, Celestia made sure to stick close. It seemed he didn't have enough magical power to teleport very far. He'd have to tire soon. There was no way he could keep up with the endurance of an alicorn for long ... right?

But he could, apparently. Despite everything she tried, he stayed a step ahead.

Until, that is, the moment the two of them happened to zoom past Twilight Sparkle along the way.

Twilight stopped in her tracks, staring with dropped jaw as Fancy Pants galloped helter-skelter past her. She nearly keeled entirely over when she saw Celestia in hot pursuit.

“Stop him!” Celestia shouted without thinking – the heat of the chase was getting to her.

And Twilight, ever the faithful student, did exactly that. Just before Fancy Pants could skid around the next corner, she grabbed him with her magic, freezing him in place. He teleported, of course, but Twilight was very good with magic. She was somehow able to zap him right back to where he was every time he flashed away.

Celestia glided down to something as close to a graceful halt as she could manage. She was actually a bit winded by all this. Was she that out of shape? How long had it been since she'd needed to fly like that?

Fancy Pants, meanwhile, continued to struggle, kicking and squirming to try and escape Twilight's magical hold. His horn glowed repeatedly as he tried a variety of spells, but Twilight seemed more than capable of countering all of them.

Twilight winced. “Um, Princess ... you do have a good reason for detaining him like this, right? I mean, of course you have a good reason. You're Princess Celestia. You wouldn't go chasing stallions down the hall to abduct them and have your way with them. Of course not. I'm just, um, kind of interested in knowing what that excellent reason might be...”

“She is trying to abduct me and have her way with me!” Fancy Pants protested. “You should have seen the sort of books she was reading in preparation for it!”

Twilight turned her gaze to Celestia, cringing ... but also narrowing her eyes a little bit.

Celestia sighed. It pained her to see that sliver of doubt in her former student's eyes, and she would have preferred not to do this in the middle of a public corridor, even if there seemed to be nopony around at the moment. “Are these the 'books' you're referring to?” With a burst of magical power, she teleported the pile of dirty magazines from her suite to the middle of the corridor, dumping them in an even more untidy heap.

“Yes! Those!” Fancy Pants winced as he looked at them again. “Please let me go! She thinks I'm some kind of 'meat' to be tied up and stored away in her bedchambers, never to be seen again!”

Twilight came closer, peering at the magazines in the pile. “Woah...”

“Horrifying, isn't it?” Fancy Pants said. “Why, it's almost as—”

“This is almost as good as the adults-only section of the Canterlot Library!” Twilight said with glee. “I don't think I've ever seen so many issues of Massive Meat Monthly in one place!”

Fancy Pants groaned. “Oh no... Not both of you! Now I'm doomed!”

“No,” Celestia insisted, “you are not 'doomed'.” She'd had quite enough of this insanity. It was time she finally had a chance to explain herself. “These do not belong to me. And I am certainly not going to abduct you or do anything to you against your will.”

Fancy Pants glared at her.

It took her embarrassingly long to understand the point of his pointed stare. “Oh, um... Besides this, of course. But I just wanted a chance to explain myself!”

His glare didn't lessen.

“Just please give me a chance to explain.” She steeled herself for the sight of him bolting away again. “Release him please, Twilight.”

Thankfully, Fancy Pants didn't bolt the moment he had an opportunity to. When Twilight gently lowered him back down onto all four hooves again and released him from her magical grip, he stood firm ... and glanced between Celestia and the pile of magazines. “So... These aren't yours, you say? Might I ask, then...?”

Celestia nodded slowly. She called up an old, powerful spell, beginning to run the significant power of it through her horn. Teleportation with an unknown target location was significantly more difficult than the garden variety teleportation spell, but she had more than enough magic to make it work, if the need was sufficient.

With a terrific flash of wasted magical energy, Princess Luna appeared in the hallway ... along with quite a large amount of sudsy bathwater and one yellow rubber duck. Luna squeaked just as indignantly as the duck as she dropped to the floor. The bathwater splashed all over the hallway, washing over the magazines and instantly soaking them.

“Fie!” Luna shouted, quickly snatching the pile of magazines up with her magic before it could soak up even more water. “My collection!”

“So,” Celestia said, trying not to sound too accusatory, “you admit that these magazines belong to you, Sister?”

Luna glared, her lips forming a prominent pout. “You promised, Sister, to use that spell on me only in the most dire of need. Now look – you have ruined my bath and ruined this beautiful collection!”

“But you do admit that it is your collection, do you not? The very same that you so unceremoniously dumped in my suite without my permission and quite against my will.”

For a few moments, Luna glanced back and forth between Celestia and Fancy Pants, her mouth beginning to quirk up into a mirthful smile.

“This is not the time for pranks, Sister.”

“Oh?” Luna's smile grew even more. “Well in that case, I should say that—” Her eyes caught Twilight Sparkle's.

Twilight gave her an stern, earnest look, twitching her head toward Celestia.

“Ah, yes...” Luna had to the good graces to actually blush a little. “I suppose this is indeed not the time for levity.” She turned toward Fancy Pants. “These are indeed my magazines, good sir. And my sister is correct. I quite unfairly foisted them upon her without her permission.”

Fancy Pants stared at Celestia, blinking. “So ... you don't want to tie me up and lock me in some sort of sex dungeon, I take it?”

“Not at all.” It felt like a massive weight had been lifted from Celestia's back. Finally that was cleared up. “Please, I beg you, just give me one more chance.”

“Well...” Fancy Pants glanced around the hallway as if checking to see if anypony else was there. He carefully readjusted his clothing, smoothing out the wrinkles from his run. “There is one little favor I could ask, though I fear I may be overreaching my bounds merely to mention it.”

“Anything,” Celestia prompted. She knew him well enough to know he wouldn't ask for anything truly outrageous.

He smiled warmly at her. “It seems I haven't been able to find myself a suitable date for the Masquerade Ball yet. I don't suppose you would deign to accompany me, Celestia?”

It still sent little shivers to hear someone other than royalty simply call her by her name alone. “Why yes, Fancy Pants.” She smiled back. “I very much would deign to accompany you.”

“Yes!” Twilight shouted – quite rudely – along with a short leap into the air. “Go get 'em, Princess!” She froze when she saw everypony staring at her. “Or, um... Maybe I'll just go now.” With a flash of violet light, she vanished.

“May I go as well?” Luna crossed her hooves over her chest. “It is already well past my bedtime.” At Celestia's nod, she flashed away as well ... taking her pulpy pile of pony pornography periodicals with her.

And that left Celestia alone in the wet corridor with Fancy Pants. She smiled, trying not to blush. “Well... If we are to attend the Masquerade Ball together, we had better see about those preparations, right?”

He smiled back and came alongside. “Indeed.”
> A Perfect Night
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Celestia breathed deeply before entering the ballroom. She had her dress and her ornate mask, her mane and fur had been primped by actual professionals, and she'd spent hours refreshing herself on old books with every possible dance step. So why was she so nervous?

There was no use denying it, especially not to herself. The jittery energy tensing her legs, the tendency for her breath to come short, the nagging worry that her dress was too revealing – or perhaps not revealing enough... It was all nearly enough to overwhelm her. And what if something went wrong? There were so many things that could go wrong. Would ponies even be able to go around the usual business of a masquerade ball if she was attending? What if everypony was so busy paying attention to her that she could never get a moment alone with Fancy Pants? What if he resented her for it? What if this ruined everything? She did want this to work out, oh ever so much! But given the way things had turned out so far...

No. No, she wouldn't let that happen, not this time. This time, everything had to go perfectly. That was the only way she'd reach her ultimate goal of...

Oh. Oh goodness! Was she really ready for that? She'd spent so long seeking it now that she'd actually lost track of what the actual goal was: to have sex. Real sex. With a stallion.

That just opened up new churning insecurities inside her. What if she wasn't good enough? What if she messed something up in the act itself? She'd never done it before – of course she was going to be terrible at it. And if she was terrible at it, Fancy would never want to so much as look at her again! And what if—

“Oh, there you are, Princess!”

Celestia whirled around almost fast enough to tear her gown. It was Princess Twilight, dressed up in a shimmering purple and magenta dress and matching mask. The whole thing was so bedecked in jewels and sequins that Celestia just knew it had to be the handiwork of the designer friend of hers, Rarity.

“Luna and Cadance and I have been looking all over for you!”

Luckily, Celestia's mask would hide her blush. “I wasn't hiding!”

Twilight paused.

Oh drat – had she been that obvious?

“Of ... course not,” Twilight said brightly. “We just, uh, wanted to remind you that there's a limit to how late can count as fashionably late ... especially when you have somepony waiting for you inside.”

Fancy had been waiting for her? Of course he had! What an idiot she was being out here in the hallway! He was probably already furious with her! She'd already messed everything up without even stepping hoof in the ballroom yet! Was there any way to cancel it and still back out with dignity now? What if she sent Twilight back in to make an excuse about her being sick? Twilight would do that for her. Twilight would do anything for her.

“Twilight, dear,” Celestia said, already backing away from the ballroom door. “Do you suppose you could talk to Fancy Pants and tell him...”

The pained expression peeking through from behind Twilight's mask said it all. What was she doing? This was no way for a princess to behave.

“You know...” Celestia took another breath. “Never mind.” She stepped toward the ballroom door. It was time to face her fears head-on.

The moment she stepped inside the castle ballroom, she entered a world of pure chaos. If only Discord could have seen it. Sapphire Shores was in the middle of belting out an astonishingly energetic song, and ponies gyrated to the music all around, using absolutely none of the formal dances Celestia had carefully memorized. Her own flashy dress and mask of rose-cream and gold looked positively plain and quite modest compared to the outlandish clothes everypony else was wearing. At least that meant she wasn't drawing too much attention; at least that meant the party didn't stop and focus on her the moment she stepped inside. In fact, it seemed as if almost nopony there even recognized her. Of course she had her mask, but nothing would disguise her height, nor her mane and tail. But everypony's attention was focused toward the stage.

“Amazing, isn't it?” Twilight shouted, working her way into the crowd. “Come on!”

It was all Celestia could do to follow Twilight through the chaotically dancing crowd. It should have been easy to keep track of her flashy dress, but everypony around her was dressed to an equally dazzling degree, and the lights in the ballroom kept strobing and changing colors, making it difficult for her to keep anything straight at all. Not to mention the risk of trampling somepony's tail or trailing gown. She couldn’t afford a faux pas like that. The last thing she needed would be to make a terrible scene and spectacle of herself before she even got started.

She did manage to follow Twilight through the writhing crowd somehow ... and just on the other side of it, she found a very familiar-looking masked stallion. When she saw him, she had to suppress a little snort of laughter. Even in elaborate masquerade costume, he didn't actually change his signature look that much. His coat might have been bedazzled with sequins and diamonds, but it was clearly still the tailed tux he almost always wore. Even his mask was an elaborately embellished re-imagining of the monocle he so often used – as a complicated arrangement of gold and crystal lenses. And to think, she'd been worried that she might not recognize him in a mask!

“Ah, so good to see you, Princess. I must admit, I had begun to fear something had kept you.”

“No, ah, of course not. I was just, uh...” Once again she was thankful for the mask's ability to hide her blush. Surely she could come up with some sort of excuse for being late. After all, she had an entire kingdom to run! But the harder she tried, the less specific and believable her jumbled thoughts became.

Luckily, he relieved her of the need to come up with anything. “Oh, I'm sure it isn't any of my business. Somepony like you must need an extensive filing system for your to-do list alone, and I shouldn't bore you with discussing anything of that ilk. No business here, only pleasure.”

Pleasure? What was that supposed to mean? Just as Celestia was about to respond, the music flared with the start of Sapphire Shores' next song, and the collective cheer of the ponies around her drowned her out anyway.

Even when Fancy outright shouted at her, she could barely make out the words ... and yet, he still somehow managed to sound charming as he shouted, “Ah, I see a new song is starting. Might I ask your for a dance, Princess?” He held out his hoof.

She took his hoof gratefully. “Please, just Celestia.”

When Celestia turned to walk alongside Fancy Pants back into the dancing crowd, she came face to face with an absolutely beaming Twilight Sparkle. No mask could hide that much smile. Both she and Fancy Pants paused for a moment. Celestia bit her lip slightly. “Um, Twilight...”

That was enough to snap Twilight out of it. “Oh!” she said suddenly, before backing up a couple paces. “Right! I'll, um, just leave you two alone for a little while.” She awkwardly side-stepped away ... but not without throwing an exaggerated and far too obvious wink in Celestia's direction.

Fancy Pants cleared his throat. “Right then... Shall we?”

Celestia's nerves caught up with her in full force when the two of them ventured back onto the dance floor. The ponies here were doing some strange kind of twisting and jumping dance that wasn't in her – admittedly outdated – guidebook at all!

Finally, the two of them found a little open space among the crowd. They faced each other. Celestia stared at Fancy Pants intently, preparing herself for the difficult task of mirroring his movements exactly without any warning or practice.

But instead of jumping into a twist like all the ponies around them, Fancy Pants seemed to read her perfectly. “Southern Equestrian Tango, perhaps?”

A huge sigh of relief forced its way out of her. So what if it didn't match the other ponies around them? So what if it didn't even fit particularly well with this sort of music? So what if it might be a bit stodgy? She knew that dance! With a courtly nod of her head, she stepped into the first motions of the complicated, fast-paced tango.


* * *


By the fifth musical number – and the third completely different dance – the two of them had become rather a spectacle amidst the crowd. But thankfully, the good sort of spectacle. Princess Celestia had practiced these dances to a tittle, and in some miraculous fashion, Fancy Pants had known that. They cut quite the figure through the crowd as they went through the elaborate twirling bows and curtsies of the Unicornian Gavotte, and even though the incredibly old-fashioned dance predated the founding of Equestria, Fancy Pants somehow knew it as well as she. Already, there was a growing ring of ponies around them who'd stopped their own dancing in favor of just watching Fancy Pants and Celestia perform together. Apparently, Canterlot ponies still had some appreciation for well-executed classical dancing.

Even though the Unicornian Gavotte was a relatively slow, restrained dance, Celestia's heart raced. In the old pre-Equestrian days, the culmination of the dance was supposed to be a kiss between the two dancers. Over the centuries, that had been replaced with the stallion presenting the mare with a bouquet of flowers, before the dance fell out of favor entirely. But Fancy Pants wasn't holding any flowers. It would ruin the dance to neglect the centerpiece at the end, and he must have known that. He seemed to know this dance perfectly. So did he actually plan to go through with it the old-fashioned way? Was she about to steal a kiss from him? This particular dance had been her suggestion after all. She couldn't blame him if he chose not to go through with it. And yet if he did...

The moment of truth was fast approaching. They swirled and pranced toward each other now, in the final pattern that would lead to the absolute last steps of the dance. Would he do it? Would he do it?

The end of the dance came. The two of them stood face to face. Fancy Pants slipped his mask off. Princess Celestia removed hers as well. He gave her an anticipatory little smile. Her heart leapt inside her so much she momentarily forgot to lean in and meet him, almost missing the crucial last beat of the dance.

When the two of them kissed, the ponies watching them actually cheered, even though it was still in the middle of Sapphire Shores' song. Celestia hadn't been expecting that! And she especially hadn't expected the especially loud voice nearby crying out, “Yes! Woohoo! Go get him, Sister!”

At first when Celestia broke her brief kiss with Fancy Pants, she had only eyes for him, trying to guess the subtle emotions she saw in his face. But then another raucous shout from their impromptu audience tore her attention away.

One glance was enough to confirm that their most enthusiastic onlooker was not using the word 'sister' in the colloquial or rhetorical sense. That was undoubtedly Princess Luna. The glittering black dress and mask hid her nicely, but no amount of adornment could make an ordinary pony's mane glitter quite like Luna's.

Preempting anther outburst, Celestia turned back toward Fancy. “Perhaps this would be a good time to seek refreshment?”

He winced at Luna's overly obvious interest before putting his mask back on. “Quite.”

Princess Celestia glanced back at her sister just in time to see her slip her mask aside and give an overly obvious wink. Celestia shook her head. Had her sister no shame at all? She expected that sort of immaturity from the younger princesses, but from Luna? Luna should know better.


* * *


Princess Celestia lounged together with Fancy Pants on an especially comfortable bench seat near the bar. She slurped at the straw of her refreshing piña colada with gusto, glad for its help in cooling her off after all that dancing, while Fancy Pants sipped much more cautiously from his Manehattan. He had, of course, offered to pay for the drinks. Such a gentlecolt. Naturally, she'd had to turn him down, pointing out that she owned the entire bar.

“That... That was amazing,” Celestia said, giving her drink a rest. She'd have it emptied soon if she wasn't careful.

He glanced over at her with a meaningful flick of his eyebrows. “The dancing, or the...?”

“The...” Oh goodness, what should she say? “Everything!”

Fancy Pants laughed politely and took another sip. “Wonderful to hear, though I'm afraid I might not have it in me to go another round like that. The Windigo Waltz sets just such an exhausting pace, wouldn’t you say?”

Oh no! This could ruin everything! “But... You aren't too exhausted, are you?”

He gave her just a hint of a knowing grin. “Too exhausted for what?”

“I, um... You know...”

“I thought you'd never ask.” He slipped one hoof over to caress the side of hers, then whispered softly in her ear. “Your place or mine?”

“Mine, definitely mine,” Celestia answered, working hard to suppress the giddy feeling in her chest. She was already dealing with enough frightening new things. A familiar and comfortable setting would help.

“Won't the guards see us? I know they're trained not to talk about what they see, but...”

She smiled. “Just let me take care of that.”

As the two of them snuck out around the edge of the ballroom, making for the nearest door, Celestia kept sneaking glances back at him. Oh, he just looked so dapper! And the look in his eyes through that mask, it was as if he knew exactly what she was thinking.

On the way out, though, they encountered one final guardian leaning up against the wall next to the door.

“Ah, I'd wondered just how long it would take,” Cadance said smugly. Of all the princesses' attire, her costume might have been the only one that let her pass unnoticed ... if it hadn't been for the way her mask so perfectly mimicked the crystal heart design of her cutie mark. Through one of the eye-holes, Celestia saw her give a big, blatant wink. Had the three of them practiced that?

Celestia just shook her head and ignored Cadance, pushing her way through the doorway with Fancy Pants behind her.

He didn't follow quite as quickly as she expected. Cadance had pulled him aside, was whispering something into his ear.

A moment later, he was out in the deserted hallway with her, and the sounds of the music were muffled and distant.

“What did she tell you?” Celestia asked.

He shook his head. “Mostly a series of unspeakable horrors that might be visited upon anypony who dared to mistreat you.”

Sighing, Celestia shook her head slightly as well. “Four thousand years old, and I still get treated like a little filly in need of protection at times.”

“I get some of that from my own family from time to time. I'm sure they mean well.”

She smiled wanly. “Still, I can't help but think that all of this might have been easier without their help, as well-intentioned as it may have been.”

“I wouldn't be too certain of that,” he said, coming closer. “Oddly enough, I feel like those terrible attempts of theirs actually helped me know the real Celestia better than I ever could know a perfectly regal princess.” He tilted his head up toward her.

Celestia's heart thrilled to return his gentle nuzzle. She steeled herself to take the next step. “Well ... shall we?”

Fancy Pants nodded. “It is an awfully long climb up to the Tower of the Sun. If we don't get started now, it could be nearly midnight before we finally get there.”

“Hm...” Celestia smiled smugly. “About that...”

In a golden flash of teleportation, the two of them suddenly stood in her own private bedchambers, right next to her bed.

“Oh!” Fancy Pants shouted. “Oh my!” Quickly, though, he calmed himself back down. “Why, that is quite useful. And I presume the guards at the door will be none the wiser?”

Celestia nodded, actually feeling a bit sheepish for having shown off like that.

He glanced toward the bed, then back at her. One step took him close enough to reach the hidden zipper along the back of her gown. “May I?”

She couldn’t breathe. No, she told herself, no! I can't ruin this, not now, not when I'm so close! And yet, she couldn’t help it. She covered the zipper with her trembling wing. “I ... I can't!”

“I'm sorry?” Fancy Pants turned his head to the side in confusion for a moment, then when he saw her face again, he backed a couple paces away. “Oh, oh dear. I am so sorry. If I was too forward, I could...”

“No, no. It's me.” She could barely breathe, and it felt like she was forcing the words out through solid stone, but she had to force herself to say it. “I'm the one who has the problem. I'm the one who has something wrong with her.”

“What?” he asked urgently. “What could possibly be wrong with you, dear?”

“I'm a—” Her words choked in her throat. No! She had to tell him. She owed it to him! “Fancy Pants, I am ... a virgin!” She hung her head low in shame, staring down at the floor. To still be a virgin at her age. It was disgraceful. It showed just how worthless and unlovable she truly was.

“Celestia...”

Fancy's hoof on her withers startled her into jerking away for a moment, but it did get her to look back up at him again.

“I know. The other princesses told me all about it earlier today.”

Her heart shattered. “Then ... then this has all been a ruse? Some kind of cruel game? They set all of this up?” It was even worse than she thought! “I should have known! How could I have been so stupid?”

“No, no! It isn't like that. Listen! They have your best interests at heart, they really do. They didn't come to me to set up any kind of joke. All three of them only wanted to warn me to take it easy with you, to let you start as slow as you needed. They truly care about you ... and so do I.”

She could almost believe it. “And... And you're not doing it just out of pity? Just because they asked you to?”

He came close to her again, all the way up to her until he could nuzzle along her neck. His whiskery mustache tickled her there. “Oh Celestia... You're the most amazing mare I have ever met. The most incredibly wonderful pony in all of Equestria. Nopony could ever feel that way about you. There is no other mare in the entire world I would rather hold in my hooves tonight ... or any other night.”

“You ... really mean that?”

He pulled back a little, just enough to look into her eyes again. His magic pulled both of their masks aside.

This time when they kissed, it was nothing like that chaste peck on the dance floor. They pressed against each other deeply, passionately. Celestia let herself be pushed backward toward the bed. She collapsed onto it, pulling Fancy up on top of her. She could scarcely breathe as they struggled to magic their clothes off fast enough to suit their passion. Something tore, some seam came loose, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was him and her, finally together.


* * *


Celestia reclined side-by-side with Fancy, both of them breathing heavily and a little bit sweat-sheened. Their masquerade finery sat in a crumpled, torn heap next to the bed. She yearned to hold him tight, but things were just too hot for now. They settled for holding their hooves together as they caught their breath.

A flash! Three ponies stood at the foot of her bed: Twilight, Luna, and Cadance. All of them beamed and cheered. Cadance even snapped a picture with a portable camera.

“I knew you could do it!” Twilight said in heart-meltingly sincere enthusiasm. She held out a bottle of champagne toward them.

Cadance looked at the photo her camera spit out with a broad grin. “You'll be a love expert to rival me in no time.”

Luna, though, stared at Fancy Pants, rather low on his body. “My my, Sister... That is quite the impressive tree branch you have found for yourself...”

As Fancy hastily covered himself with a pillow, Celestia jerked upright in her bed. “Out!” she shouted, teleporting them all to Tartarus. All but the champagne bottle, of course. She floated that over to her bedside table. Let the three of them stew in Tartarus for a few hours. Served them right.

Fancy stared at where the three princesses had been. “That was...”

“Are you certain they have our best interests at heart?” Celestia giggled slightly. Oh, she just felt so free inside! Finally!

“... Our?” He grinned. “I do like the sound of that.”

Celestia just cuddled up next to him, nuzzling up against his strong neck despite the heat, and she squeezed him tight. The perfect ending to a perfect night.