> Dream On You Crazy Princess
>  by insaneponyauthor
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1. The Dream Team
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Another evening fell upon Ponyville, as the princess of the night, Luna, dreamed of simple happiness on an amusement park ride. “We're whalers on the Moon, we carry a harpoon. But there ain't no whales so we tell tall tales and sing a whaling tune!” 

  Princess Luna clopped her hooves in excitement. “Splendid singing, once more, once more!” 

  As the animatronic whalers kept on singing, Princess Luna started to feel a bit nauseous. All of a sudden, the singing stopped and the amusement park ride disappeared, leaving Luna in a dark void.

   “No… no, not again, we thought we got rid of it!” 

  Shadows around her started zooming by, forming into the shape of a familiar foe. 

  “Art thou… our Tantabus!?” 

  The booming figure did nothing but stare intently at the frightened princess. Silence lasted for what seemed like forever before an unknown voice echoed through. “You really think the magic of a single town will stop this misty beast?” 

  Princess Luna gasped with confusion before replying. “Who art thou, and why do you know about our Tantabus!?” 

  The voice whooped a chuckle that gave the princess a chill up her royal spine. “Sweetheart, do ya really think it is gonna matter if you know who I am? In the end, neither you or your fellow princesses will have the power to defeat me. I’m a force of destruction in the demon form, and everyone will follow suit into my, how you say, buck-box. I’m gonna rule your universe, and then, the multiverse…” 

  Luna had enough of the voice’s antics. “Stop dodging our questions and show thyself to us you fiend!” 

  The voice chuckled once more. “I won’t show myself to you, but I will give you a title. I am a demon god, but not the demon god you’re thinking of. Just remember, if we do meet in person, I’m going to sick this beast onto you and send you straight to the dumpster.”

   The voice’s manic laughter grew so loud that it woke the princess up from her slumber. “We can’t believe it… we need help. But if Ponyville itself can’t stop the Tantabus this time, who shall we need our help from?” Luna pulled up the Ultimate Book of Addresses to find someone who might help her out. “Princess Cadence? No, probably has her own problems to deal with at the moment. Prince Rutherford? Nah, he’ll probably start another needless war. Discord? Not at all, he’ll just make things worse for us in general. Baron Zeppeli? No, hamon probably doesn’t work on dreamscape creatures.” 

  After a few minutes of searching, Princess Luna found the address she was looking for. “The Order of Harmony Corps - Time Patrol Division, Iguana Street, Conton City. Maybe they might have a way to help.”


~~~


   “Alright, maybe if this machine works, Garter will see me like the great father I am.” 

  Trunks’ partner stared awkwardly at him. “You seriously need some counseling.” 

  Just as the ingenious Saiyan and Zebra duo worked on their machine, a burst of light filled the lab. “Jeez, any brighter and you could’ve blinded the entire ci-OH! Your highness, what do you entail?” said the Zebra. 

  “We don’t think we’ve met, and art thou?” 

  “Oh yes, I’m Eventide Mario Zeppeli, I’m pretty sure you know my mother. I’m working with Trunks Briefs on a new project.”

   The machine was a huge mechanical beauty, a giant capsule connected to a huge, movie theater-esque monitor. “Yes, just as Agent Eventide said, this machine is a new vast project we’ve been working on. Anyone who sleeps in this capsule will have their dreams monitored on this here screen, and in turn we can communicate with the dreamer themselves!” 

  Princess Luna became awestruck by the convenience of the Time Patrol’s new device. “Hark, thou be mighty helpful to us today, for you see we have been struck by the Tantabus once more!” 

Eventide gasped at the thought while Trunks became confused as usual. “I remember my mother telling me about this event, I heard it was tough for all of Ponyville to tame that monstrosity!” exclaimed Eventide. 

  Trunks silently thought to himself before asking Princess Luna something. “So something you’ve defeated has returned, how do you think it came back to life?” 

  “Well, when we were attacked by the Tantabus, a mysterious voice started talking to us. They had a gravely voice, almost similar to the human actor Danny Devito. They said something about being a demon god.” 

   Trunks’ confusion became overridden by a sudden burst of shock. “Impossible, I only know of one demon god, but his voice wasn’t gravely at all, his was as smooth as butter. There can’t be… can there be someone stronger than Demigra?”

   Eventide proposed an idea to the princess. “Your highness, what if you could use our new machine to enhance your dream-walking abilities? With a few modifications, we can make sure our dream machine will protect you from an oncoming Tantabus attack. In the meanwhile, Trunks and I will be communicating with you and helping you out.” 

   The princess looked at the machine with a nervous look. “Have thou tested thy machinery out beforehand?” 

   Trunks and Eventide looked at each other before looking back at Luna. “Well, no, we just barely finished the machine, but with your Alicorn abilities, I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

   Princess Luna sighed and agreed to the mission. Trunks strapped Luna inside the capsule and readied the machine. “Remember, even if this machine won’t protect you, we can always instantly bring you back just before you’re attacked by the Tantabus.” Luna nodded before going to sleep in the capsule. 

   The monitor flickered on and showed the princess in her dreamscape, a hallway of infinite doorways that lead to everyone’s dreams. The princess started her search for answers by opening the first door.


~~~


   The first dream Princess Luna entered seemed to be a world of nothing but bubbles. “Hmm, this seems to be a dream of Derpy’s. Let’s see if we can find her.” 

   Immediately something unexpected happened, an odd yet familiar looking creature appeared. 

   “Luna, what the heck is… that?” exclaimed the disgusted Trunks. 

   “My word, it’s hair is rocks and… why does it have tentacles instead of hooves!?” yelled Eventide.

   “Oh, well then. This wasn’t Derpy’s dreamscape at all, it belonged to this alien. Hello creature from another world, how art thou?” 

   The alien tilted its head before replying to the princess. “Eoi, lyrcjuhy ox Kippe Ksuyk, zo eoi spog jvy gvylycboijk ox jvy opy spogp ck Burr?” 

   Trunks and Eventide looked at each other confused by the odd language, but Princess Luna was able to understand the alien’s word. “We don’t believe we’ve seen a Bill anywhere, but I am trying to look for a demon god. Would he be one?” 

   The alien shook their head. “Po, Burr uk c nogylxir zyqop, bij uk po woz. Vy ypkrchyz oil lcay cpz qczy ik uphczy eoil nrcpyj, bij c wloin ox nyonry xloq cpojvyl ipuhylky vck kjonnyz vuq U byruyhy. Oil nyonry kjurr xyyr vuk nlykypay jvoiwv, ko by aclyxir. Ux Burr gyly jo jycq in gujv jvy zyqop woz eoi spog, uj aoirz qycp jvy ypz ox jvy qirjuhylky.”

   “We see. We’ll be on the look out for Bill as well then. You contact us if you see the Tantabus anywhere nearby. It looks like a large, mist-like figure of darkness. If that’s near, so is the demon god.” 

   The alien shivered at the description. “Ov zcqp, pog oil nyonry vchy jo zycr gujv 3 nogylxir ypjujuyk. U gurr aopjcaj bcas ux U kyy cpejvupw. Ov, crko jyrr eoil jgo xluypzk U acp kyy jvyq gujv qe kinyl-jyryncjve.” 

   Princess Luna nodded at the alien. “Trunks, Eventide, the alien said he can see you two. He should be helpful when the time comes to defeat the Tantabus.” 

   Eventide and Trunks shook with fright as they noticed the alien somehow staring back at them through the monitor. 

   “We shall take our leave, the next dreamscape awaits, and so does that dreaded demon god. Carry on with your dream, we shall meet again soon.”

   Princess Luna flew back to the hallway to search for another doorway and another dream.





Loud, brassy music and a roaring audience assaulted Luna’s ears, while garish colors and bright lights assaulted her vision. Luna shook her head and ignored the physical details of the dream, gazing instead at the underlying archetype: this dream was a contest of skills and knowledge.

“Here it comes!” a disembodied male voice proclaimed. “From Bark Bobber Studio in Applewood, it’s Equestria’s most exciting half-hour of fantastic prizes! Prepare your bodies for … Who Wants to Test Your Match Wheel of Link Squares Is Right!” The theme music and audience’s cheers crescendoed, then went quiet. 

Princess Luna was on the set of a game show. Judging by the podium she was seated behind, she was supposed to be one of the contestants. To her right was the dreamer, playing the role of another contestant: a dark blue pegasus with a white mane. She was one of the ponies who had helped overthrow Starlight Glimmer. And on her other side was the last contestant: a white cloud, the size of a pony.

Luna leaned over and said to the dreamer, “Hail, fair Night Glider.”

“Um, hi?” Night Glider answered in a whisper.

“Art thou—I mean, are you having pleasant dreams this evening? Have you, perchance, been vexed by a creature of blue smoke?”

“What are you doing?” Night Glider continued whispering while pointedly not looking at Luna. “They’ll think we’re cheating and kick us off!”

The white cloud bobbed up and down, as if nodding.

On the opposite side of the stage, the game show host took his place behind another podium. He was a white stallion—Double Diamond, one of Night Glider’s friends and co-revolutionaries. “Thank you all for being here tonight,” he said, with a big, dumb grin on his face. “Since I’m sure everypony and everycloud already knows the rules, let’s jump right in! The trivia categories for the first round are: Brushy Brushy … Haunches from History … Have You Seen This Chicken? … Thanks, M.A. Larson! …”

“Luna,” Eventide Zeppeli said. Luna glanced back at the viewscreen displaying the waking world, and the two Order of Harmony agents assisting her there. This time, at least, nopony in the dream could see them. “We’ve scanned the dream. No sign of the Tantabus here at all.”

“Very well.” Luna said. “Thank you.” She turned back, glancing between Double Diamond and Night Glider.

Double Diamond, meanwhile, was still rattling off categories: “… Potent Portables … Portentous Potables … Potential Portals … Portions of Potions …”

Trunks chimed in, “Luna, aren’t you going to search another dream?”

“Nay. I have an intuition that something important will happen, here. Can you two scan adjacent dreams while I search here?”

Double Diamond was wrapping up: “… Yes Or No Questions … Incorrect Answers … and Princesses Whose Names Begin with ‘Twilight’.” He looked at the white cloud. “Cloudy McCloudface, since you’re the returning champion … Night Glider gets to choose the first category!”

“Military History, for 400,” she said.

“Very good. For 400 points: ‘Commander Easyglider.’”

How is that even a question? Luna wondered.

Night Glider buzzed in. “Which Wonderbolts choreographer invented the Icarian Sun Salute?”

“Correct!” Double Diamond smiled at the audience. “And for the record, we also would have accepted ‘Who was the Wonderbolts’ first choreographer?’ or ‘Which Wonderbolts choreographer had the hottest flanks?’ Night Glider, you pick the next category.”

The pegasus furrowed her brows and said nothing.

“Ah!” Double Diamond said, “Excerpts from John Cage’s 4.33. Excellent choice! For 200 points, can you tell me …” He trailed off.

Silence filled the studio, broken by a Buzz! from the cloud’s podium, then more silence as the cloud said absolutely nothing.

“That’s correct!” Double Diamond proclaimed. 

Night Glider slapped her podium. “Darn it!”

Double Diamond ignored her. “And Cloudy McCloudface picked Excerpts from John Cage’s 4.33, for 600 points … which just so happens to be this round’s Daily Double!”

“Uh oh.” Night Glider slapped a scuba goggles and a snorkel over her face. Just in time, too: Double Diamond slapped a big, red button on his podium, and trap doors opened beneath all three contestants. Luna, Night Glider, and the cloud fell down a set of twisting, turning slides, only to splash into a vat of green slime.

“Double the slime, double the fun!” Double Diamond proclaimed.





Lord Dumplin floated amorphously in the void between dreams—a dark blue blob against a color that no mortal mind could conceive. All around him, in directions that didn’t conform to mortal notions of “up” or “down” or “left” or “right”, great iridescent globes bobbed lazily, like rubber duckies on the surface of a pond. Each of them was a pony’s dream.

If Lord Dumplin still had his own face, he would have sneered. Instead, wearing the smoky skin of Princess Luna’s nightmare monster, he had to settle for writhing contemptuously. In fact, he wasn’t entirely sure that it was possible to convey contempt by writhing, but he was certainly going to try.

Ponies, he thought, writhing once more for good measure. Ponies were so weak, so easily scared—yet time and again they had foiled his colleagues’ plans. If it were just ponykind’s brightest and best—their princesses, the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, that crazy archeologist—handing out defeat like candy, the shame would be bearable. But the latest batch of spectacular failures had come courtesy of a succession of complete nobodies: a cello player, a tea shop owner, a pair of spoiled rich fillies, a rock farmer.

It was so frustrating, he was half tempted to throw caution to the wind and start infecting pony dreams right now—twisting them into nightmares, drawing power from the ponies’ fear until he was powerful enough to enter the waking world and make it a … 

If he had eyes, he would have blinked. Where had that train of thought come from? The Tantabus wanted to turn Equestria into a waking nightmare. Even if, for the sake of this operation, he had taken the form of the Tantabus he was still … still Lord Dumplin, not some blue smoke monster! Right? He was here to break the mind and spirit of Princess Luna! And then, and then … he was going to do something after getting revenge on Luna, but he couldn’t remember it now. He writhed once more, in lieu of shaking his non-existent head.

Movement below caught his attention. It was a pony, crossing the void. Stranger still, it was not the Princess of Dreams, but a mortal—a grey pegasus. She perched atop one of the dream bubbles, and pushed her head through its metaphysical membrane.

The Tantabus writhed, a predatory gleam flashing across his surface. Yes, this would be an excellent place to begin infecting pony dreams. He drew his smoky pseudopods into his body and dove towards the pegasus.





“Spin! Spin! Spin!” Night Glider, Double Diamond, and the entire audience chanted as Luna grabbed the oversized wheel and gave it a strong yank, setting it a-spinning. “Spin! Spin! Spin!”

Luna, however, ignored the spinning and scanned her surroundings. If something important was going to happen, it would have to happen soon—but Luna still hadn’t the foggiest notion what that something was.

The wheel came dangerously close to stopping on “Bankrupt”—but instead landed on “Tilapia”. A fish landed at Luna’s hooves, and she picked it up.

“Well, Luna, that’s better than nothing,” Double Diamond said, “but you’re going to be at a severe disadvantage in the final event: the Fish Slap Fight!”

Night Glider smirked and waved a swordfish menacingly. 

Double Diamond continued, “Would you like to trade your tilapia for whatever’s behind … door number 2?”

“It will not be necessary.” Luna dropped her fish and faced the dreamer. “Night Glider, I concede this round to you. Well met.”

Double Diamond gave an exaggerated gasp. “What a shocking development! There’s only one way this could be a bigger twist …”

Night Glider dropped her own fish. “No. You wouldn’t!”

“This was a Bizarro Round!” Double Diamond proclaimed. Trombones just off-stage played a sad fanfare. “Luna, by forfeiting, you won the round!”

Luna blinked. “What.”

“Darn it!” Night Glider stomped, nearly hard enough to punch through the stage.

Double Diamond continued, “That brings your total score to 413,000, making you our new champion!” 

Balloons and confetti poured down from above as he stepped forward to shake Princess Luna’s hoof. Meanwhile, a pink unicorn mare pulled a cart onto the stage, with a sheet obscuring what was in it.

“Tell Luna what she’s won, Sugar Belle!”

The pink mare, Sugar Belle, yanked away the sheet. “We have: muffins …” And the cart was indeed piled high with precisely 413,000 muffins.

“And, of course,” Double Diamond said, “you have to eat them all right now.”

Luna massaged her temple with one hoof. “Oh brother. Not another one of these dreams.” She trotted over to where the other contestant sat, sulking, and draped a wing over her shoulder. “Night Glider, would it make you feel any better if—”

“Did somepony say muffins?!” The source of this new voice was a gray pegasus with a blonde mane. Her head was poking through the stage wall—no, through the wall of the dream itself. She was not a figure of Night Glider’s subconscious, but another dreamer, somehow interloping.

This, Luna realized, was what her intuition had told her to wait for.

“Oh, hi, Princess Luna!” The mare looked at Luna, and Luna stared right back, gazing deep into her golden, misaligned eyes. This was a pegasus of many names: Ditzy Doo. Bubblecup. Stoneface. Party Filly. Bubbly Mare. Background Pegasus #23. 

But deep in her innermost heart, the name she called herself … was Reginald P. Worcestershire III.

Or Derpy Hooves. Either was okay.

(Meanwhile, a lake had appeared next to the stage. Having already forgotten the game show, Night Glider zipped over the water’s surface, back and forth. She held a rope, towing Double Diamond behind her—who was using the swordfish as a water ski.)

“Luna!” Trunks called. “We’re picking up some crazy readings from that dream! What the HFIL is going on in there?!”

“’Tis the Ponyville mailmare,” Luna answered. “It seems she has an inborn talent for dreamwalking.” In fact, in retrospect it was obvious that Derpy’s cutie mark was not an emblem of ordinary bubbles, but dreambubbles.

“That’s great,” Eventide said, “but how does that help us find the Tantabus?”

And at that moment, because the universe just loves irony, dark blue smoke washed over Derpy. Her eyes went black, with lights like distant stars inside them. “Hello, Princess Luna,” she said, not in Derpy’s voice at all.

“Have at thee, you blackguard!” Luna dove, tackling the Tantabus-possessed pony. 

Both of them slipped out of the dreambubble, then tumbled end-over-end through the void between dreams as they grappled. The possessed Derpy beat her wings and kicked with her hooves, but the Princess of Dreams held her tight. In spite of Luna’s reluctance to hurt her own subject—who was obviously not in control of her own disembodied psyche—she still held a distinct advantage of size and strength.

“Release Derpy, you monster!”

The Tantabus snarled and bit Luna’s foreleg.

The two reached another dreambubble and tumbled through its membrane, sliding into another mortal pony’s dream.

        Rain fell on Luna and the Tantabus-possessed Derpy as they tumbled through the air, still fighting to untangle. A clap of thunder shook the ponies apart and they stabilized in the air. 

Derpy’s eyes flashed red as the Tantabus spoke. “Wait. Time out for a minute. Where are we?” It asked. 

In response, Luna glanced around and all she could see was clouds and water. In the distance, she could see what sort of looked like what might possibly be a city. Probably. Other than that, it was just rough water and enormous waves. If nothing else, this was quite an impressive storm. “I… am not sure.” Luna suddenly remembered that the Tantabus was staring her in the face and charged at the creature again. 

“You wouldn’t do that to poor Dippy would you?” Not-Derpy taunted. 

Luna paused in midair. It was right, Luna could try to remove the possession but the Tantabus wouldn’t allow itself to sit still long enough for her to charge up the spell. If she could distract it for a few seconds, “‘Tis Derpy.” Luna corrected. 

“What?” The Tantabus cocked its head.

“The pony whom you have possessed. Her name is Derpy.” 

“Wait, really? Who names their foal Derpy? Did they hate her?” 

“I think it is a fine name. You are not one to judge.” 

“I just think that-” Its sentence was cut short as a flash of light emanated from Luna’s horn, gripped Derpy and attempted to wrench the shadow beast from her mind. A primal scream of contempt roared out of the Tantabus as it grew farther and farther apart from its thrall.
        
A wave reached up to crash over the duo, sending the two under several feet of water. Lord Dumplin quickly took over Derpy again. He needed to remain disguised as the Tantabus just a little longer though he needed a new vessel. This one was rapidly becoming useless. Dumplin remained underwater as he searched for the princess and saw some movement in the distance. As Dumplin swam closer to the object he could make out what it was. Not-Derpy smirked, “Oh yes. That will do nicely.”

Luna struggled to maintain her head above the current. Her wings were wet and thus, fairly useless and her magic was drained from trying to separate the Tantabus from Derpy. She could vaguely make out a grey shape in the darkness, tossing about in the waves. “Derpy!” Putting aside how swimming with hoofs is incredibly inefficient, Luna swam towards the collapsed mailmare. When she finally got to her, Luna quickly turned Derpy over so she could breathe. Derpy was unconscious but as far as Luna could tell, there was no sign of Tantabus possession. Luna would have breathed a sigh of relief if the salty sea air wasn’t stinging her lungs. She could do nothing but sigh, Luna was extremely limited while carrying Derpy, there was no sign of rescue, and she had apparently lost contact with Trunks and Eventide. A rumble startled Luna into trying to fly again to no avail. A wave washed over the two as Luna tried to shield Derpy.
        
“Wait. Princess Luna?” An echoey voice rang out. Luna opened her eyes. She and Derpy were now being elevated by a large metal plate. Yellow light shone down on the duo.

 “Oh my gosh, what are you doing here?” A different voice spoke. Luna could not see who it was through the bright light but it sounded oddly familiar… “Here. We’ll bring you in.” 

The platform rose and Luna could get a better look at where they were: The palm of a giant metal robot in the form of what Twilight described as “humans” and they were being brought to its head. A hatch on the side of the head opened and out stepped a pony that was the source of the familiar voice: One of Celestia’s secret agents, Sweetie Drops AKA Bon Bon. “Why are you all the way out here? And is that Derpy?” 

 Luna nodded weakly. Bon Bon helped Luna carry Derpy into the behemoth. The inside of the robot was dark, but there was a clear first-aid station and table for Derpy to rest. Luna also saw the source of the other voice: a pony she recognized as Lyra Heartstrings. Lyra was in a white suit and hooked up to metal devices extending all the way into the ceiling. Notably, she was also standing on just her hind legs. The view of the outside world flashed onto one of the screens in the robot. 

“-una, Princess Luna!” Eventide Zeppeli’s voice rang out and Luna could see her and Trunks on the screen. The two Order of Harmony agents breathed a sigh of relief. 

“We finally found you. For some reason, you weren’t showing up on our scanners.” Trunks said. 

“Princess, what are you looking at?” Lyra asked. 

Luna shook her head, “‘Tis nothing. What is this?” 

“It’s a Jaeger. We heard reports of a Kaiju out in this sector.” Bon Bon replied as she laid Derpy on a table. Luna decided not to question it.

The Jaeger began to shake. “Bon Bon get hooked up! It’s time!” Bon Bon rushed over and connected herself to the metal joints in the same manner as Lyra. Both ponies put on a helmet and a viewport to the outside appeared. A giant creature that looked almost fish-like stared at them. Luna noted that it had the same red eyes as the Tantabus 

Well that’s one mystery solved she thought to herself. Lyra and Bon Bon both smirked and they put their forehooves up.
        
The robot put its fists up. Lord Dumplin grinned, then roared. He’d gotten rid of Dippy and now he could finally let loose. A fist came out and he ducked under to grab the robot at the waist. The creature lifted the robot up but it broke out of the grapple and followed down with a kick to the head. Dumplin’ recovered and started to launch a blast from the creature’s mouth. Another fist blocked his mouth and an elbow came down to send the creature into the water. This isn’t working as well as I’d hoped. Time to cheat.
        
“Let’s finish it off.” Lyra pressed something on her holographic display and a sword grew out of the Jaeger’s arm and shivved the monster. The red light from its eyes disappeared. “Whoo! How do you like that!?” Bon Bon and Lyra hugged each other which made the Jaeger almost fall over.

“Uhh, Luna? You might want to tell those two to check behind them.” Trunks sounded concerned. 

“Lyra? Bon Bon? There may be something of note behind us.” They turned the Jaeger around and a collective gasp filled the room. Stretching far into the distance were monsters and creatures the likes of which Luna had never seen even in dreams. 

The one in front, a human shaped beast with inside-out skin had the Tantabus’ red eyes and spoke. “Now you see Luna. I. Will. Break you.” 

“We finally get to use it.” Bon Bon laughed as she and Lyra looked at each other and grinned wide. They pressed several different buttons on their displays. 

Lyra shouted, “Anime mode activate!” The Jaeger grew wings and took off across the water. Missiles flew out of its shins, blowing up monsters left and right. It landed and grabbed a piece of metal from its leg, ignited to form a laser beam, and cut down any survivors. Luna again decided not to question it.
----
“I have no idea what’s going on anymore.” Eventide sighed, “Whose dream is this anyway?” 

Trunks checked the screen, “Lyra’s.”

----

        Dumplin’ watched the carnage from a distance as his army fell one by one to the surprisingly graceful robot. “As long as I can possess the dreamer, I’ll be-” 

“Hey!” 

Dumplin’ turned his monster around and faced the robot. It put its hands to its chest and made an arc with them. The hands slowly moved back as if it were charging something. 

Lyra and Bon Bon spoke at the same time. “Ka…. Me….” 

Dumplin’s eyes widened, “Oh no.” He turned around and started running. 

“Ha…. Me….”

Luna raised an eyebrow. Curious. 

Lyra and Bon Bon thrust their hooves out, “HA!” A beam of pure energy launched out of the Jaeger, forming an arc of water that travelled along with the beam straight to the Tantabus. It turned around and put its hands in the air. 

Welp. Dumplin thought.

The Tantabus-possessed monster was impaled by the beam, sending it across the water before the beam dissipated and left the monster with a gaping hole in its stomach. The Jaeger continued to slaughter the giant monsters.

        “Hmm.” Derpy began to wake up. Diverting Luna’s attention from the carnage going on outside. “Princess Luna?” The mailmare blinked a few times to get her bearings. “Where am I?” 

Luna helped her to stand up, “Inside of a robot. In a dream.” 

Derpy nodded, “Awesome!” 

Luna cocked her head in confusion. She began to open her mouth to ask something but was interrupted by Lyra. “Princess! You may want to see this.” 

A monster with wings was flying away. That was obviously the Tantabus and she must pursue. But first… “Young Derpy. You have the ability to travel through the dreams of other ponies. Your ability must be refined and I am the only one who can help you; however, I am chasing the Tantabus and ‘Tis very dangerous. Thus,  I give you two options: You can wake up or you can come with me.” Under normal circumstances, Luna would not even consider bringing Derpy along but if she would continue to traverse others’ dreams whenever she slept she would become a continuous and easy target for the Tantabus. It would be much safer by her side.

“Oh I’ll go with you Princess.” Derpy happily proclaimed.

 “Art thou sure?” 

Derpy nodded exuberantly.

 “Then we must pursue the Tantabus. Come Derpy!”

“Oh Princess, one question.” Derpy stopped.

“Yes?”

“How could I be knocked unconscious if I’m already asleep? Wouldn’t that wake me up?”

“You see… that is because…” Luna stared at the ground, “Just come with me.”

Lord Dumplin continued into the next dream. He had failed to break Luna’s mind and spirit but he had nothing but time. He hated disguising as the Tantabus but he had no real options anymore. That was what Luna was looking for. He smiled to himself, or at least he would if the monster he was possessing had a mouth.

“Farewell Lyra. And you Bon Bon.” They didn’t hear. The two were still busy blowing up monsters. Luna decided to leave them alone. They seemed to have things well in hand. Derpy followed the Princess of Dreams as they flew away from the Jaeger and out to the sky to enter the next pony’s dream bubble.
———
“Hold firm, Colts!” The red-coated unicorn stallion perched imperiously over the battlement as the undead horde surged towards the deeping-wall. The soldiers at his command shivered where they stood. “Take heart! Squizzard will not win this night!” The soldiers expressions turned grim, and they took up pikes in their mouths to prepare to repulse the undead as they began to climb the walls, but they no longer wavered in their bodies or their hearts. Across the valley, sitting atop a mighty siege machine made of bones, Squizzard himself leered back at his foe.
 
“Your defiance matters not, McBiggen!” the giant squid screeched into the night. “No matter how many of my Bonies you slay, the Lady remains under my power!” 

A cage of bones stood just behind him, where a beautiful mare with a grey coat and a darker grey mane, clad in a periwinkle gown that shimmered even in the dark and stormy night. She cowered in the cage, but McBiggen could swear, even above the din of the battle, that he could hear a soft prayer: “Stay strong, Sir McBiggen.” McBiggen’s horn glowed, and his broadsword was hefted overhead.
 
The fearsome assault of Squizzard’s skeletal goons crashed upon the wall like a wave against a tidal wall, but the wall held firm, not the least for the valiant efforts of the soldiers and their leader, Sir McBiggen, Knight of Pohan, who cast his Greatsword about with wild abandon and turned many an enemy back into piles of bones. He was bound to save the Marble Lady, and the kingdom.
 
There was a great flash of lightning, followed swiftly by a clap of thunder, bright and loud enough to rend the sky and bring a pause to the melee. The few remaining Bonies on the wall were scattered, but Squizzard seemed disturbed by something else, looking doubtfully at the sky.
 
“Your army cannot win!” McBiggen called out across the chasm, ignoring Squizzard’s doubt.
 
Now here’s a scenario I can sink my teeth into, Lord Dumplin thought. Let’s see how I can subvert it.

“Your…” Squizzard began haltingly, still disturbed by the foreign powers he had sensed in the sky. “…er, I am not scared of you! Your fortress will fall, and your Lady will be…”
 
There was a roar and a flash of fire. When the red light dimmed, Squizzard was gone, a pile of breaded, deep-fried calamari rings sat in his place atop the siege machine. Lady Marble smiled smugly from within her cage, a trace of fire still burning close to her fore-hoof.

“Lady Marble!” McBiggen shouted, a broad smile appearing on his face. He took a flying leap, and jumped over the battlefield below, landing on the siege machine. “What manner of wondrous sorcery is this?”
 
“I was hungry,” Lady Marble said simply. “Want some calamari?”
 
McBiggen looked curiously at her, and Lord Dumplin realized he was out of character.
 
“Magic is my legacy, sir knight,” Lady Marble said, now looking shyly at her knight in shining armor. “To control my magic is why Squizzard craved me so. Seeing your plight allowed the power to burst forth.”
 
“’Twas wondrous, Lady Marble!” Princess Luna said. She flew down out of the maelstrom, and Derpy followed clumsily behind her. “You slew the evil Wizard. Pray tell, did either of you see a shadow depart from him when he was rendered into calamari?”
 
“The only Shadow I see here is thou, Nightmare Moon,” Lady Marble said, pointing accusingly at her from within her cage. Lord Dumplin smiled in his thought, now seeing exactly how his subversion would play out. “Sir McBiggen!” she pleaded. “I have never told you, but Nightmare Moon is the dark one who gave Squizzard his twisted power. Now she comes to claim me herself!”
 
“Nu-uh!” Derpy said. She was already eating some of the calamari. “I’ve been with her half the night, and she hasn’t cooked up anything this good yet.”
 
“Derpy speaketh truth,” Luna said. “I have been in the dreams of other ponies, pursuing the wicked Tantabus. It is somewhere in your dream now, Big Macintosh, and I believe that I know where,” she said, glaring at the still-caged Lady Marble. “Begone from the Lady, vile fiend!”
 
Sir McBiggen leapt between them. His Colts appeared around him, a phalanx of knights now between Luna and the target of her pursuit. Derpy continued munching on calamari contentedly.
 
“I will see you destroyed, Nightmare Moon,” Lady Marble said, “so that evil might be banished from this land forever!”
 
“Listen not to her, Big Macintosh!” Luna said.
 
“Her claims are news to me,” McBiggen said. “But,” he added, leveling his levitating sword towards the Princess of the Night, “she is my Lady. I am sworn to her.”
 
“A knight’s oath is a noble thing,” Luna said. Her horn glowed, and the fallen Bonies in the valley reassembled themselves, grabbing up their weapons. “But I too have an oath to fulfill.” The Bonies leapt up the siege tower while the colt-soldiers leapt down, but being disposable goons in a fantasy scenario, they were not especially effective. McBiggen himself did not even need to leap down into the fray, and continued to stand between Luna and Lady Marble, while a handful of his remaining knights advanced upon her.
 
“Derpy?” Luna gave a sidelong look to the mailmare, who was still feasting on delicious calamari. “I could use a distraction.”
 
“There are an awful lot of knights here.”
 
“Just think of something!” Luna hissed. “I shall need my strength for the Tantabus.”

“Ooo-kay.” Derpy thought for a moment, and then her body started to change. She grew huge, as large as the
 
> 2. Princess Luna's Jungian Adventure
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

siege tower, her coat changing to grey scales, her blonde mane changing to a spiky crest of gold, her wings losing their feathers and gaining scales. Only her cutie mark remained intact, though etched in scales. Derpy the Dragon roared, and scared off a number of the knights with a blast of fire.
 
How can she do that? Dumplin thought, causing Lady Marble to frown.
 
“Where did you learn how to do that?” Luna asked.
 
Derpy the Dragon shrugged. “I didn’t,” she said, before breathing fire again and toasting a number of the soldiers while the Bonies dealt with the others. The tide had turned. Sir McBiggen leapt down from his perch to fight the dragon, too enchanted by the opportunity to fight a full-sized dragon to remember his pledge to his Lady.
 
“Dost thou ever tire of this, Tantabus? You know I shall rend you from your host yet again.” Her horn glowed, preparing for a potent blast of magic.
 
“Not this time,” Lady Marble said smugly. “Kyaaaaah!” she let out a proper maidenly wail and shrank in fear within her cage. 

“My lady!” Sir McBiggen bellowed, as he made an impossible leap from the battlefield below, throwing himself in the path of Luna’s magical blast. The blast struck him square on his armored torso. Luna’s eyes widened, seeing her error, but it was too late. The magic engulfed McBiggen’s form, and the unicorn knight disintegrated.

“He’s… dead,” Lady Marble said, seeming shocked by what Luna was capable of. 

Luna’s heart stopped. Dead. McBiggen was dead and gone. Normally nothing that happened in the dreamverse mattered: but she was the only exception. Anything she did to someone in the dreamverse would impact them in the real world. That meant Big Macintosh was gone forever.

All of these thoughts ran through Luna’s mind in an instant, paralyzing her with fear and doubt. That moment of doubt was all Lord Dumplin needed. He had Lady Marble send a magical counter-blast Luna’s way, a spell designed to break her spirit utterly.

“Augh!” Luna writhed as the blast hit her. *Crack* something snapped, and Luna’s necklet, a part of her very spirit as the Moon Princess, fell from her form to the battlefield below. In the next instant, the battlefield itself disappeared, fortress and siege machine alike. It was replaced by a room in Twilight’s Castle. There was a table with a map, as well as a number of books and notebooks. Big Macintosh was sitting there, as was Discord, Spike, and for some reason Berry Punch. Derpy the Dragon was still in the background. 

Luna’s body glowed as she fell to the floor, while Marble Pie morphed into a small orange rhinoceros with thick, horned-rim glasses: Lord Dumplin’s true form was revealed at last.

“The die says 2,” Spike said, ignoring the full-size dragon and other new arrivals in the room. “Sir McBiggen is disintegrated in a blast of magic.”

“Aw shucks,” Big Mac said. 

“Uhh, guys?” Berry Punch asked.

“Well I for one want to play again,” Discord snorted, “I will *not* fall to that D20 critical failure again! Are you up for more, Big Macintosh?”

“Ee-yup.”

“Guys!” Berry Punch exclaimed, slamming her hoof on the table. 

At last the three of them noticed the changes; the fallen princess, the rhino, and the full-sized Derpy Dragon in their room. 

“I’ve done it!” Lord Dumplin shouted. His true form had a whiny, nasally voice. He leapt forward, grabbing Luna’s cracked necklace. “With this, I can achieve my age-old dream! With the Moon Princess’ necklace, I can use my dream-manipulation powers to become, at long last, a Pretty Pony Princess!”

He ran to the door and waved a hoof, opening a portal to the next dreamspace. “Sorry I couldn’t stay longer,” he said. “But I’m sure you’ll all be seeing me again real soon. As the new Princess of the Night!” He laughed madly before diving through the portal.

“Ugh…” Luna groaned before she stood. 

“Luna?” Derpy asked, morphing back into her pegasus form. “Where’d you put your horn? And your wings?”

Luna ignored her, her eyes going instead to the still-living Big Macintosh. “Sir McBiggen! Thou art not slain?”

“Nope.”

“Well, Sir McBiggen was,” Spike said. “But yeah, Big Mac’s fine! Why would he be dead? And Derpy’s right,” he added. “What did happen to you? Who was that weird guy?”

“I thought he was the Tantabus,” Luna said. “But he seems to have been something much more sinister.”

“Where did he come from?” Berry Punch asked.

“That is a story for another day,” Luna said. “He seeks to take my Alicorn powers, and that is cause enough for now.” 

“So that’s where your horn and wings went?” Spike asked.

“Verily. I was an Earth Pony before I achieved Alicorn status. My elder sister was of pegasus kind. In my moment of doubt and fear, the fiend struck me and removed the symbol of my power. And now he is gone. I know not what we shall do.”

“Really?” Discord snorted. He had been glowering in the corner as Luna told her story. “You really don’t know? Look, I know I’m in a dream and am not the one true Discord, but I will still be darned if I will sit by and watch the pony who helped imprison me 1,200 years ago lose to some nerdy little rhino!”

“You would seek to help me?”

“Well, I don’t know if the real me would. He would find it too funny. Big Mac’s-dream-me, however, is a gamer, and we have our pride. I’m in a lower tier than you, I’ll admit that. But I won’t stand to be in a lower tier than whatever that… thing back there was.” 

“If we could catch him before he returns to his own dream, we can stop him,” Luna said. “But without my powers, how can I move between dreams?”

“Come on!” Derpy called. She had already gone through the portal, and was looking back into Big Mac’s dream. 

“How… how did you do that?” Luna asked.

“Dunno,” Derpy shrugged. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Discord said. “Just get in there and get your powers back!”

Luna nodded, a determined expression forming on her face. She made to follow Derpy, before Big Mac once again leapt between her and the object of her pursuit. “Wait!” he said.

Luna paused, wondering what he wanted, as the laconic pony did not reply. Gazing into his eyes, she ascertained his state of mind. “Thou wishest to quest with me, feeling responsible for my current state?”

“Ee-yup.” Big Mac looked imploringly at Spike, who nodded.

“Oubliette Master decrees: Sir McBiggen uses the resurrection stone!” And in a flash, the sword-toting unicorn knight of Pohan was back, now ready to serve a new lady. “Let us depart, fair princess,” he said.

They followed Derpy on into the next dream world, hoping that they could stop Lord Dumplin before it was too late.

Jumping between dreams required little more than a split second of time, but one’s perception of time tends to run at a different speed in a dream, and so that split second would feel more like a minute. And in that minute of perceived time that Luna had felt, she noticed something had gone wrong.

“Something is not right. What is going on?”

A portal between dreams should only connect one point in each dream, and so she did not expect a feeling of being separated from Derpy Hooves and Big Macintosh. What she expected was to be pulled along the same dreamscape pathway as the two other ponies, carried to the same location in the dream they were travelling to. Instead, she felt herself being pulled along a different pathway, drifting farther and farther apart from her companions.

She cried out into the void. “No! Come back! We must stay together!” But her cries were in vain, as Big Macintosh continued to drift away. The red stallion seemed oblivious to the situation, and had likely not heard her at all.

There was nothing else that Luna could do but follow the path, wherever it led. At the end, where she expected the other end of the portal, she instead saw her own cutie mark, painted in watercolor across some sort of barrier. She put a hoof to the barrier, and the world between dreams faded from her view.



She opened her eyes, and saw herself in front of a pile of presents. To her left was her sister Celestia who was looking rather upset. Luna at first wanted to ask if everything was alright, but immediately felt annoyed by her sister as well. The feeling caught her by surprise, which gave Celestia the opportunity to speak.

“What do you mean you left it on the counter?!”

“I thought you were bringing it!” Luna felt the words coming out without having to think about it, despite not understanding what was going on. Then it dawned on her: This was the wedding of Cranky and Matilda in Ponyville. She and her sister had both forgotten to bring the wedding present, and were arguing about who was to blame.

She did not have long to think about this situation, for she felt her consciousness being pulled up and out of her body. The world faded to black for but a second, and when she awoke, she found herself elsewhere.

“GO AWAY! NO CANDY HERE! VISITORS NOT WELCOME ON NIGHTMARE NIGHT!”

This scenario was easier to recognize. It was not long after Twilight Sparkle and her friends defeated her when she was Nightmare Moon. The young unicorn had taken her to Fluttershy’s cottage to teach her how to speak as normal ponies do (for she was still using the Royal Canterlot Voice, something that had fallen out of use some time in the 1000 years that she was away).

But once again, she felt the pulling sensation, and the world fading to black. Each time she awoke, she found herself in a new place, staying just long enough to realize where and when she was, only to be whisked to yet another place and time. All this left Luna thoroughly confused. Was this not a story about her traversal through various dreams? And yet all of these scenes were things that she had done in the real world. Had the portal somehow taken her to the time-travel story?

Her fears were assuaged somewhat when she had been brought to the dreams of the fillies that called themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Not their current dreams, but dreams of the past. She was guiding each of them through their nightmares, giving them advice and encouraging them to face the terror they were experiencing.

And yet something at the back of her mind felt that all of this was wrong. No, that much was obvious, she should at least be able to control her travels through dreams. But this was something else. It was almost as though she were exploring something other than dreams.

When she awoke in the ruins in the Everfree Forest, she had a startling realization.

“Greetings, Tantabus”, she heard herself say. “I am ready. Do your worst.”

These were her memories.

She was whisked away yet again.



Luna found herself in the middle of Ponyville, channeling a familiar spell. She was surrounded by a scintillating sphere, streaks of magic emanating from her horn and reaching upwards into the night sky. It was the magic that connected everyone’s dreams together and joined them into one dream. She felt a sort of compulsion that would not let her stop maintaining the spell, but to her relief, she found that she had regained some control over herself.

She saw Big Macintosh and Derpy Hooves somewhere in the distance, appearing as they were in the dream that they had just left. Behind them was a glowing disc that shrank steadily until it was but a point of white light, then a puff of vapor, then nothing. The pair galloped towards Luna as fast as their legs could carry them.

“My lady”, Big Mac said with a bow, sword ready at his side. “We waited for you, but several minutes passed, and we feared the worst.”

“We don’t know where Lord Dumplin went”, said Derpy. “He could be anywhere by now.”

It took almost all of Luna’s strength to maintain the spell, which made it a struggle even just to speak. “I think I know what Lord Dumplin is attempting to do. The necklace that he stole from me might grant him my powers, but he does not yet know how to control it. He escaped to my dreams, making me relive my memories, hoping they will give him insight as to how to use the power of dreams. We must take my powers back from him, or we are all in danger.”

“What kind of danger?” Derpy then looked up and saw an enormous creature made of shadow, one that she had previously seen in a dream. A dream much like this one.

It was the Tantabus.

Big Mag, speaking with the noble air of Sir McBiggen, stood tall. “Fear not, princess, for I have made a vow to protect you from any that seek you harm today.”

“No, Big Mac, the two of you must find Lord Dumplin and stop this nightmare.”

“But my lady, without your necklace…”

“I may be but an earth pony without my alicorn power, but he has taken us to my dreams. Here, I am able to imagine myself at the height of my power.”

“Oh yes,” said a mysterious voice somewhere around the trio, “you might have your powers while inside your dream. But you see, I’ve put you in something of a little trap.”

“It’s Lord Dumplin!” Derpy pointed toward a shadowy figure standing in front of one of the nearby houses.

“In this particular dream, you’re currently using all of your alicorn magic to keep this shared dream together. I’m sure you’re feeling the compulsion of being in a memory right now. You have no choice. And even if you do manage to break free, without the spell, this dream collapses. And what do you think happens then?”

Luna knew full well what would- or could- happen if she did manage to break away from playing out this memory and let the shared dream inside collapse without the alicorn magic she was supposed to provide. Yes, this Tantabus was only a shadow of the original, but considering the original had been a shadowy creation of her mind as well, and uncertain of the link between this memoryscape which Lord Dumplin had yanked her and her tagalongs into and the dreamscape they had previously traversed, she was loath to give this one any free rein (or, for that matter, free reign, considering the inordinate amount of royal equine mojo that had gone into its creation).

“This changes nothing. Big Mac, Derpy,” she hurriedly continued, momentarily ignoring the smug shadow perched atop the nearby rooftop. “You will need to apprehend him and retrieve my necklace, as you are clearly not under the same compulsion as I.”

“As you command, princess,” Big Mac vowed, still quite immersed in his medieval role and garb.

Derpy had already rocketed off towards Dumplin with uncharacteristic focus, but the figure had already vanished. “Come now,” Dumplin’s mocking tone echoed, “we can’t have the fun end that quickly!  And this way you can help me get some practice with my new dream powers.”

“They are my lady’s powers, not yours, fiend!” Big Mac scampered towards what seemed to be the voice’s point of origin, drawing his sword with his broad jaw (the bow being not as useful when you don’t yet have a target), but skidded to a halt at the edge of the faux Ponyville common.

Naturally, Lord Dumplin suddenly popped into visibility back near the center, smarming up at the frozen Luna. “Hmm… memories are much less malleable than the subconscious, but it looks like they can still be-”

A giant bran confection smashed into Lord Dumplin, followed by a large red bolt of light and swooping gray and crimson figures- much to Mac and Derpy’s shock, as they were still perched at the perimeter of the common. Luna, shocked to greater awareness of her surroundings, realized that, yes, the past-shadows of the other denizens of Ponyville were still racing about with their own dream powers as she remembered, and that included copies of Mac (complete with his imagined wings and horn) and Derpy. And with any luck, they may be attuned to the real ones.… “Derpy, Big Mac!”

No other words were necessary, as Luna’s companions could feel their dopplegangers tugging at their inmost beings- and past them, the rest of the denizens of their beloved town- through the connection they shared for the time being with the Princess of the Night. They raced back into the center of the village, now thoroughly infested with the memory-dreamselves of ponies fighting off the Tantabus. Though hard to discern at a casual glance- if anyone with such a voyeuristic spirit even could glance in on this world casually- a few of those figures, then a few more, could be seen to veer off from the fray, or at least veer oddly within it, ever so slightly, forming a few loose layers of perimeter around the scene.

Derpy’s prodigious peripheral vision caught Lord Dumplin popping back into corporeality, and she angled her flight, not towards him, but some distance above and beyond him- and a jangling golden column suddenly shot in from the side and knocked him up into her flight path. She spied the gaudily begarbed Filthy Rich avatar down at the other end and grinned as she grabbed at Luna’s purloined necklace. “Looks like I hit the jackpot!”

-schlorp-

Derpy’s prey seemed to melt away from her hooves and into thin air….

And so it went on for a bit, Luna watching Big Mac, Derpy and the denizens of her memory play whack-a-ling with both the giant shadow monster and the insufferable thief. It was a not unpleasant shock to hear suddenly the voice of a particular bookish mare- distantly, as though from outside a dream, though she knew it to be otherwise- and feel a sudden rise of spirit, realizing that this particular memory had just about played out. And indeed, the Tantabus was shrinking….

Luna mustered up her will- calling upon the numerous times she had dragged herself out of bed early for afternoon meetings with her sister and other functionaries for some crisis or other- and forced herself against the grain of the past events. Slowly, she felt her magic seep out into the battle, even as the Ponyville scenery started to crack and fade. Soon enough, only the dreamscape within Luna’s memory remained, and herself, her companions and her target floating within it. “Surrender thyself, Dumplin,” she Voiced. “Your game has gone on long enough! Surrender the necklace before its power goes out of control!”

“Mmmmmmmm no.” Lord Dumplin spun and flew away from the group. “Feels like it’s getting more in control. A few more practice sessions like this…” A jolt ran through Luna, Derpy and Mac as the memoryscape itself started to fail. “Assuming you’re not done playing along, that is!” Dumplin disappeared, and Luna felt her remembered power do the same, her real magic- and her spirit- vanished with her necklace as the trio found themselves moving back through the real dreamscape.

“Despair not, princess, ” Big Mac consoled her, “we must simply continue our pursuit.”

“And stick together!” Derpy joined in.

Luna gave a wan grin as she stretched her wings around the others. “Indeed.” We shall see this story come to a happy ending yet.

The companions felt themselves accelerate, following the distant tug of Luna’s stolen power, within moments finding themselves passing through another bubble threshold- and gaped.

“Oh, not vexing again….”

Princess Luna groaned upon entering the dream bubble, hearing incredibly loud and incessant shouting.

Meanwhile Big Mac and Derpy Hooves looked around the room they had entered, though they were immediately drawn to the source of the noise: two gray-skinned beings with candy-corn colored horns upon each side of their head, and one of them was yelling at the other about romance and… quadrants?

This wasn’t right.

Luna cleared her throat to gain the attention of the strange beings. They both turned to look at the three equines.

“WHAT IN THE HOLY NOOKHUMPING CLUSTERFUCK ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU HERE”, one of them yelled with a gray-colored intonation.

Princess Luna grimaced; she did NOT want to deal with this now. But before she could reply to the rather rude individual, the other inhabitant of the dream bubble spoke instead.

“Now, now. There's no need to 8e so mean to our new friends :::;)
After all, they pro8a8ly came to help us. Why else would they 8e here?”

Luna didn’t like the way that the blue-speaking one said that- her words sounded incredibly manipulative and she felt much more dangerous than anything else that Luna and her crew had encountered on their adventure so far; and that includes the fiend that had stolen her magical necklace and was abusing his newfound dream powers.

The two inhabitants quickly started bickering again, at which point Luna once more cleared her throat.

“I must apologize, however we are searching for a ‘Lord Dumplin’ and we must hurry,” Luna said with as much tranquility as she could muster, “he should have passed through here.”

“........oh.” she replied disappointingly.

“So…” Luna replied impatiently, “have you seen him?”

The more irritable of the two creatures gestured behind him and said 
“THAT PRETENTIOUS FUCKLICKING ASS VOLCANO WENT THAT WAY”

Luna quickly thanked the two for their “help” and the group trotted over to where the angry inhabitant had motioned. She pulled her companions close with her wings; the three of them closed their eyes and felt themselves move forward through the dreamscape, chasing after Luna’s stolen powers.

The three ponies felt themselves pass through the membrane of a dream bubble, and as such they once more opened their eyes.

Looking out into the dream before them, they saw the Castle of the Two Sisters laid before them- however, the Castle was in good condition. Uneasy, Luna trekked forward.

Big Mac, still dressed in medieval attire, consoled his princess, “M’lady, there is no need to continue if you do not wish. The Hooves of Derpy and I can continue and capture Lord Dumplin in your stead.” Derpy nodded along with a determined smile on her face.

“No,” Luna said with confidence, “I can’t leave you two to fix my problems for me- I must push forward no matter how tough.”

“Princess…” Derpy said with uncertainty.

“But… thank you for your concern, and most of all thank you for helping me.”

Big Mac and Derpy perked up at hearing Luna’s thanks, and the three of them pressed on forward.

They pushed open the giant doors of the castle- and inside they found walls, a rug, tapestries… the stuff you’d expect in a castle. Nothing was out of the ordinary, which in and of itself was out of the ordinary.

Big Mac and Derpy were on guard, ready for anything that might pop out and try to scare them.

Luna, on the other hand, was mystified. She slowly walked through the hall, bringing in all of the sights and indulging in millennia of nostalgia.

Gentle twilight poured in from the stained glass, lighting up the hall in an unspeakably beautiful fashion. The light bounced off of the rugs, bringing out the beautiful red color of the fabric. The tapestries were lit up in the glow of the waning sunlight, bringing about an air of nobility and remembrance.

Suddenly, two young alicorn mares hopped before Luna’s hooves, unperturbed about the the dreamwalking visitors. Laughing and giggling while playing games that sisters tend to play when their day is long and their work is short.

“I’m gonna get you Celestia!” the darker and younger of the two mares giggled.

“Nuh uh! I’m way faster than you are!” the pearly white older sister teased.

“Oh yeah? Just watch me!” the younger sister laughed as she chased her sister into the next room.

“Luna?” 

Derpy startled the Luna from her focus.

“Are you okay? You seemed very spaced out, even more than I can be!”

Luna gathered herself once more and replied “Ah, yes. I’m fine. Let’s continue onward.”

Big Mac came trotting back from the end of the hall, apparently he had been checking the rooms while Luna had been lost in her thoughts.

“I hath searched this entire hall, yet Lord Dumplin remains hidden, my Princess of the Night. Dost thou believe that he may have left this Dream Bubble?”

“No,” Luna replied, “I can definitely feel my magic here. We just have to keep searching; it is a big castle after all.”

He’s here for a reason, Luna thought to herself, we need to find out why- and fast.

Big Mac brought his hoof to his chest “Yes, princess. I will take Derpy and continue to search elsewhere.” Big Mac signalled Derpy Hooves, “To me, my gray companion!” They quickly took off in search of the evil shadowy being that always seemed to be one step ahead of them.

Luna, on the other hand, followed after the visions of the past that she had just seen. She entered the room that the sisters had fallen into, to find herself in a rather large library. She stepped through the humongous rows of books and tomes that decorated the shelves, most of which had been there for as long as she can remember.

Wait a moment, these books contain information on pretty much every magical being and object. Maybe I- 

Luna’s train of thought was promptly derailed by the sound of two fillies getting into what can only be described as “trouble”. Following the sound of glee, she found a certain pair of sisters playing around with the ancient texts surrounding them- building large book forts and slinging stuffed toys across at each other.

Stifling a chortle that aroused when the older sister was beaned in the face with a stuffed elephant, she looked upon the two with wistfulness and memories of a simpler time. Somewhere down the rows of books an annoyed “What do you two think you’re doing?” from an old librarian echoed across the room.

Shrieking with laughter, the alicorn fillies quickly ran out of the library into the foyer, continuing their playing unburdened by responsibility and regret.

Luna slowly made her way out into the main foyer, with sunlight spilling out the last bit of day and a warm glow setting in upon the room.

And there was Lord Dumplin, floating peacefully in the center of the room.

Luna steeled her nerves and approached the enigmatic being. He did not attempt to run.

“Give me back my necklace- my cohorts will be here any second, and you have nowhere to hide. We can avoid needless violence if you just hand it back to me peacefully.”

The shadowy presence spoke to Luna, “Fine. I concede! I’ll give you back your necklace and return with you peacefully.”

“Wait, really?” replied a shocked Luna. His powers should be getting stronger as he wears the necklace for longer, so why is he giving up now?

Dumplin spoke once more. “Sure, so long as you can honestly tell me that you want it back. But… wouldn’t you rather just stay here? You’re clearly happier here. You can spend time with your dear sister once more, without any worries or bitterness in your’s or your sister’s hearts.”

“I-I can’t!” Luna stammered, “I have responsibilities! I have ponies I must look over! H-half of a country to run…”

Lord Dumplin snapped his fingers, and Luna slowly floated in the air with light surrounding her body. When she felt her hooves touch the floor again, she had taken the appearance from back when she was a filly- from a time before burdens and regrets.

“You can,” Lord Dumpin explained, “As long as I have this necklace, I can make this your reality again.”

Luna could only stop, speechless at the offer being given to her. The shadowy presence disappeared as the sound of hoof steps came from behind, and when she turned around she saw her dear older sister from the dream bubble.

“Is everything okay, Luna?”

“I, um..”

“C’mon! We’ve only got a few hours left to play!”

        Luna hesitated, unsure if she wanted to accept young Celestia’s offer to play or not.  Part of her mind remembered her mission and the nightmares plaguing so many ponies, but that was quickly being drowned out by the happy memories and thoughts of her fillyhood, and the more carefree mindset she had back then.  

        “I’m gonna catch you!” Luna called out to Celestia, going into a mock-fighting stance.  Celestia giggled and took off, with Luna in hot pursuit.  The two of them began racing around the room, taking turns chasing each other.  Meanwhile, in one corner of the room, a different dream bubble was starting to intersect with the one Luna was currently in, and a portal between the two bubbles began to form.  With Luna chasing her, Celestia ran in the direction of the portal, oblivious to it, and made a sharp turn to the right as Luna caught up to her.  Unable to change directions in time because of her forward momentum, Luna crashed into the portal, tumbling into the world of a different dream.

        Luna opened her eyes and the first thing she realized was that she had her adult-sized body back.  The second thing was that she was in a place she had never seen before, although there was something familiar about it.  It was obvious she was in some sort of school, with chairs and desks, just like the one Celestia had for gifted unicorns.  As Luna looked around the school room, she was shocked to see a picture of a creature she had only seen once before.  It was a strange, bipedal creature wearing clothes, like a mostly-hairless monkey without a tail.  The only time she had ever seen one of those creatures before was when Twilight had come back from the mirror world.  Twilight had drawn a picture of what she had looked like in that world, and identified it as a “human”.  Had Luna found herself inside the world of a “human’s” dream?  

        Suddenly, the door to the school room opened, and a human girl crept in, looking around nervously as if she was trying to hide from something.  She had mint-green skin, hair of the same color that was streaked with white, and she seemed oddly familiar to Luna.  The human girl caught a glimpse of Luna and rushed over to her, suddenly breaking down into sobs of combined relief and terror.

        “Princess Luna!  I’m so glad to see you!  Please save me from this horrible nightmare!” the human girl begged.

        “How do you know me?  I do not believe I have ever visited this world,” Luna said, her usual regal tone of voice coming back to her.

        “I know you probably don’t recognize me in this body that this nightmare has given me, but I’m Lyra Heartstrings!  Don’t you remember when I asked you and Celestia about the secret agent service Bon Bon told me about, when we were at Cranky Doodle Donkey’s wedding?” the human girl pleaded.  Luna looked at the girl’s yellow eyes and recognized that, yes, she had once met a unicorn before who looked very similar to this human girl.  From what Twilight had said about the alternate human world, ponies who traveled there would be turned into humans, so the same thing might have happened to Lyra.  

        “But what is troubling you about this dream, Lyra Heartstrings?  Do you simply dislike being in that body, or is there a more pressing danger?” Luna asked, somewhat anxious to get back to the dream world that Lord Dumplin was in.  Derpy and Big Macintosh had been left in that world with him, and who knew what he could be doing to them?

        “The humans hate me!  And this world isn’t at all what I imagined a human version of our Equestria to be like!  Princess Celestia is a mere school principal here, the humans are too skinny, and everypony is still in school, like they’re somehow younger here than they are in Equestria!  How can a successful business pony like Rarity have a human version that’s young enough to still be in school?!” Lyra cried out.

        “Do the humans really hate you, Lyra Heartstrings?  Or is it that your own disappointment that they are different from their Equestrian counterparts is causing you to assume that they would be just as judgmental of you?” Luna pointed out.  

        “But they attacked me!  They tried to grab and kick me and one of them threw exploding candy at me!” Lyra protested.

        “Do you know what caused them to attack you?  Did you perhaps express your disappointment with this world to them?” Luna asked.  A guilty look came into Lyra’s yellow eyes.

        “Well, yeah, I guess I did complain out loud about the things like them being in school, and it was where they could hear me…but is that really a reason to attack me so violently?!” Lyra whined.

        "Perhaps not, but look at it from their point of view.  How would you feel if somepony felt you were disappointing because you did not match expectations you were unaware of?" Luna challenged.  Lyra became a little calmer, beginning to think about what Luna had said to her.  She then squeaked in fear as she heard footsteps and indistinct angry voices outside the door.

        "They've found me!  Do you really think that they'll stop attacking me if I apologize for insulting them?" Lyra pleaded.

        "It is worth a try.  I know that once I apologized to my own sister for my misdeeds as Nightmare Moon, I was able to reconcile with her," Luna said, "This may be something you need to do on your own.  There is something I must find that will lead me to be able to stop these nightmares from threatening not only you, but other ponies as well."  As Luna stepped away from Lyra to look for where the portal had moved to, the door slammed open and a human version of Rarity stomped into the classroom.

        "There she is!  That's the girl who insulted me!" human Rarity shouted as several other human teenaged versions of Ponyville ponies crowded into the classroom after her.

        "I'M SORRY!" Lyra wailed, hoping Princess Luna was correct that they would listen to her.  "I shouldn't have said you were disappointing to me!"

        "It's too late now!  Get ready to die!" human Applejack roared, flinging an entire desk at Lyra as if it weighed nothing.  Lyra shrieked in terror and leapt out of the way, the desk crashing onto the floor where she had just been standing.  

        "Please help me, Princess Luna!" she cried, frantically searching for the familiar pony princess.  Unfortunately, she could not see Luna in the classroom anywhere, and what was worse, she lacked her usual unicorn powers in this human form, leaving her uncertain how to deal with the horde of humans who were raising various objects up into the air, ready to throw them at her.





Meanwhile...

In Dumplin's dream zeppelin, Derpy and Big Mac hung upside down bound in coarse hemp rope in a storage room. Derpy swung listlessly. It felt like she was forgetting something. Something important. She tried to think. "Hey, uh, Big Mac?"

"Yeah?" he said. Derpy twisted and wobbled to bring the red stallion into view.
> 3. Steve it off, 1, 2, 3 (and now you can count to 3)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was certainly a handsome stallion, with his golden mane, especially tied up like that. Him looking at her that way. With interest and attention.

"U—um, this is a dream, right?"

"Uh-yup!" He slipped out of view, as Derpy continued to rotate.

"So uh... Could we like imagine our way out of here?" It seemed strange. Her cognition was all foggy. Was this a dream? She waited for a response.

There was a thump. Then a strange feeling in her stomach. Then a painful knock to her head. Then she watched as a large machete clattered to the ceiling. No floor. Then her legs fell to the floor, unbound. Derpy rolled over and stood up. She felt dizzy, and there was only one of everything. Her uncertain gaze found a standing, smiling Big Macintosh. "Wow! Great thinking!"

Big Mac nodded slightly. "Eyup." His gaze turned to the only door to the metal room.

"So what now?" Asked Derpy.

Macintosh answered with his motion. The hall outside was clear of minions. He spent some time peering down both ends of the dark hall, then headed off.

"What are we looking for?" Derpy wondered aloud as she followed him through the maze of passages. A very confusing maze. "Is Luna in trouble? Like I mean, um, oh, she has to defeat the nightmares. Right?"

"Eyup." They passed through a golden room filled with massive twirling gears and axels and golden wires, strangely abandoned. A periodic thump could be heard.

"Oh, do you think she is in another dream?" further wondered Derpy. She looked up and down and everywhere, scarcely able to take in everything as they hurried through. "So that means we need to get to another dream? So we need to find another dream portal?"

Big Mac stopped fast. Derpy ran into him. She looked around. Greeting her in what looked to be a fashionable passenger room, complete with large glass windows overlooking a swirling orange dreamscape, stood a dozen chimpanzees dual wielding shotguns and behind them three mustache twirling top hat wearing villains, at least one of which was a zebra. They were very fashionable. "Oh, hello there," said Derpy.

The greeting party did not have time to respond, however, as Derpy was pulled sideways into a large, purple, sparking circular vortex.





Desperately, human form Lyra valiantly panicked as human form Elements of Harmony pressed their attack. Bravely, she screamed. She ducked behind a desk to avoid a giant blue diamond shield. Barrel rolled behind another as the space she occupied lit up in candy explosions. A stack of three desks flew over her head. "Psst, over here" came a whispered voice from behind the teacher's desk.

Desperate Lyra didn't care. She vaulted for the teacher's desk, exposing herself to open fire. "Oh no you don't!" Came a hoarse, athletic voice. From behind the desk Luna's horn lit up bright indigo. A rainbow crashed into an invisible wall inches from Lyra as she sailed through the air. A swarm of animals flooded into the room as Lyra landed behind the large desk.

"Under here." Luna indicated toward a small, swirling, arcing, turbulent purple vortex in the footwell of the desk. A bright magenta glow surrounded the entire desk and lifted it to the ceiling. But there was no one under it.





"Where are we?" asked Lyra.

Indeed, it was a good question "I am not sure," spoke Luna. She peered through the darkness. Green vines provided the only illumination to the large space, yet the space was distinctly a dark golden. "It appears to be a cave of some sort. Or perhaps a hive." Luna wondered to herself, how she was to navigate these dreams. It felt like she was forgetting something. Something important.

"What is going on, here?"

Luna turned to look at Lyra, now in pony form. In her eagerness, apprehensiveness, and readiness. "You look like you could be useful." Lyra's expression turned to confusion. "Very well. I shall tell you what I know. Follow me." She hurried off, down a tentacle filled passage. "A nightmarish demon has escaped. A nightmarish demon of nightmare. It is giving everyone nightmares, for a reason I know not. Or have forgotten." Luna paused, in puzzlement. "Regardless," she resumed, "I have first to get to the dream zeppelin, to rescue the wandering eyed one and Macintosh Apple. For they are important for reasons I know not." She paused. "Or--I have forgotten. How strange."

"That makes no sense." Confusion was the word of the day. "Am I dreaming?" Luna took off down another passage suddenly. Lyra could barely keep up.

"Yes. So we search for a dream portal that will take us to the dream zeppelin. It shall be easy to spot. They are all purple and swirly with lightning like effects and they are flat. Even though that makes no sense for interdimensional portals. Then we must defeat the nightmarish nightmare demon through means I know not. Or--" Luna began to knock the side of her head with a hoof. "--Or--"

"Hey, uh, that's all well and good. But what about the giant wasps?"

Luna turned to Lyra, incredulity and confusion warring on her face. "What giant wasps?"

Lyra pointed up and around the particularly large chamber, filled with hundreds of angry giant wasps. "Say," She asked, a puzzled expression overcoming her, "Do you ever get the feeling you are forgetting something?"





"Where are we?" Asked Derpy as she looked over the rim of the volcano, down to the lake of lava below. It was particularly beautiful under the starlit sky. Although the periodic spurts of fountaining lava did not look like fun. She turned to look at Big Mac. He shook his head. "Hmmm." Derpy stood up and looked around. The world was cloaked in darkness, so it was really hard to see anything. "What do we do now?" She wandered around a bit. There certainly were a lot of black rocks all over the place. "Is this a dream?"

Big Mac nodded. "Eyup." He walked up next to her. "Say," Out came Mac's voice in soothing dulcet tones. "Do you ever get the feeling that you are forgetting something?"

Derpy looked at Big Mac in shock, dawning realisation on her face. "Oh..."





Princess Luna turned towards Lyra and spoke, "Quickly, climb onto our back!" 

Lyra turned into a human once more because riding on a giant pony princess is not nearly as awkward for a human being as it would surely have been as a pony. Luna galloped as quickly as she could through the maze of tunnels, unable to fly for the low ceilings and the sheer density of vines, killer wasps, perverse tentacles and sharp hangy-downy-things (known by Princess Twilight Sparkle and other eggheads as "stalactites"). After several intense minutes of fleeing from aforementioned foot-long killer wasps with venomous stingers, fending the vile insects off with an occasional magic blast from Luna and Lyra's broadsword "Josefina," the alicorn princess and the unicorn in human form were cornered in a large, seemingly empty cavern. 

"It's a trap!" Lyra proclaimed uselessly, turning back into a unicorn. 

"Indeed it is," the Princess concurred. The wasps quickly surrounded the pair, forming a horrifying dome which resounded with a constant earsplitting buzz. 

"Luna? If I don't make it out of this, tell Bon Bon...I also ate all the expensive organic hay from Whole Feeds." 

But the swarm did not attack.  Instead, the dome composed of insects from the order Hymenoptera split to admit three lifeforms into its center.  

"Hey, there you guys are!!" To their relief, three smiling faces greeted them. Derpy Hooves, accompanied by Big Macintosh and Fluttershy.

                                ~~~ONE HOUR EARLIER~~~

Derpy and Big Mac made their way down the side of the volcano, not quite knowing what else to do.  They had to tell Princess Luna what they had learned about the true identity of the nightmare demon, but they didn't know how to find her. Purple portals tended to pop up when and where they least expected them, whisking them from one dreamscape to another at random, and even though they had discovered crucial information related to the nightmarish nightmare, they only had bits and pieces of the big picture, and there was very little they could actually do about it on their own.  As they meandered down the mountain, they made small talk, discussing matters such as their jobs, their families, and their hobbies. 

"Wow, Mac! I knew your turkey call was impressive, but I never thought it was supernatural!" 

"Heheh. Nah, I'm just pullin' yer leg. Mah turkey call is as good as it is on account of mah vocal range. Now how I got mah singing talent, on the other hoof...Well, that's a secret." 

"Aw c'mon! I won't tell anypony!" 

"Hmm...How old is Dinky now, anyways?" 

"Trying to change the subject, huh?" Derpy playfully punched Big Mac in the withers. "Well, I'm still not sure how old she is in pony years, but I've been taking care of her for around..."

GROOOOAR!!! Not far away, Macintosh and Derpy spotted what was unmistakably a large, copper-and-blue dragon pursuing a small yellow-and-pink pegasus pony. Said pony was, for some reason, pushing a large boulder up the slope. 

"FLUTTERSHY!!!" the two shouted and galloped/flew to the mare's aid. 

"Fluttershy! Stop stealing Tom and fly away!" Derpy implored. "There's a dragon behind you!" 

"I...can't," the pegasus sobbed. "I just can't! I have to push this boulder up this mountain for all eternity! Every time I make it to the edge of the volcano, the dragon comes and rolls it right back down!" 

"Fluttershy, it's only a dream! Let's just get out of here!" Big Mac appealed. 

"A dream? Well...this is a pretty weird situation to be in for no reason...and I feel like I'm forgetting something important...but..." 

"I'll take care of that sexy hunk of sedimentary rock for you," a new voice offered. It was Pinkie Pie's kooky geologist older sister, Mud Pile or something, appearing from behind a rock with a brave expressionless expression. 

"Maud Pie!" Fluttershy gasped. 

"Pinkie is with Rarity and Applejack, searching for Twilight Sparkle, Spike and Rainbow Dash. You guys try to find Princess Luna, I'll be fine." 

"Well...okay...thank you, Maud. You...be safe now." 

Maud Pie winked, and the three were on their way to meet with Princess Luna and save the day.

                                        ~The Present~

"And then I accidentally fell into this hole, and Fluttershy and Mac followed me, and there were all these bees, but also tentacles and glowing green vines for some reason. But Fluttershy just spoke to them in a kind-yet-authoritative tone and they just backed off and led us here!" Derpy Hooves reported. 

"Well done, Element of Kindness, Wandering Eye-” 

“My name is Derpy,” 

“-Derpy, and Macintosh Apple. We are relieved that you all made it here safely,” Luna replied, grateful for their well-being. “Now, about the nightmarish nightmare demon or demons…” 

"Actually, my minions just led all of you pathetic, powerless foals into a trap," an evil voice informed the party or assorted ponies. The swarm split again, this time revealing the shadowy form of the human incarnation of the Elements of Harmony. "And now I shall reveal to you my evil plan in its entirety." 





Meanwhile, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie were totally bucked.

        The Drugs were beginning to wear off.
        At least, they were beginning to wear off for Pinkie Pie and Applejack. Rarity was proving herself to be something of a lightweight. She was slumped against the wall, giggling gently to herself
        “We’re totally bucked,” Applejack muttered to herself. Her head was pounding, and felt like somepony had stuffed it full of cotton.
        “Apples,” Rarity said dreamily.
        “Yeah Rarity, Apples,” Applejack said. She rubbed her head. “How’d you even get it in your head that stuff’d help, Pinkie?” she demanded.
        Pinkie, who was looking bright and chipper in defiance of all social convention, rubbed her chin. “I thought for sure it would work,” she said.
        “How?” Applejack demanded. “We’re still locked up, still got no way to fight that… thing, and all that changed is now I got a headache. And Rarity ain’t exactly gonna help us now.”
        “I can help,” Rarity slurred. “Make a battle dress…”
        Applejack gestured sharply to Rarity, glaring at Pinkie Pie.
        “We’re in a dream, silly!” Pinkie Pie said. “Haven’t you ever had a Lucid Dream before? You can make anything happen if you want it to!”
        “An’ why was that weird leaf necessary?” Applejack asked.
        “Becaaaaause,” Pinkie Pie said, rolling her eyes as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “The Element of Whatever believes waaaaay stronger than us, because he’s evil and evil things always believe really hard because they don’t have to think about whether or not what they’re doing is right. So we needed help to believe really strongly!”
        Applejack opened her mouth to object. Try as she might, though, she couldn’t find enough logic to refute in Pinkie’s statement. “Well, it didn’t work,” she said finally. “If we were tryin’ to dream up a way outta this Jail Cell, we failed.
        “We weren’t in a jail cell,” Rarity offered.
        Applejack blinked. “What?” she asked.
        “We were in… wooooorld of imagination,” Rarity explained. “All pink… and purple…”
        Applejack sighed and rubbed her head. “Sure, yeah,” she said. 
        “Umm… AJ?” Pinkie asked. She was staring at the floor. Applejack cocked an eyebrow, then looked down as well.
        The floor of the dungeon was shifting colour, from purple, to pink, to green, to orange…
        “To red, to chartreuse, to octarine…” Rarity recounted happily. Each time she did, the floor shifted another colour.
        “Rarity!” Applejack shouted. “You’re doin’ it!”
        “Noooo…” Rarity said. “We’ll do it tonight…”
        Applejack spluttered. Fortunately for her, Pinkie Pie was exactly as obtuse as usual, and was more concerned with her success. “I knew it!” she said, clapping. “I knew that Dreamer’s Tea would work! Rarity can help us get out of here!”
        She knelt down beside Rarity. “Rarity,” she said. “We need you to imagine something.”
        “Mmmkay,” Rarity said. Her already distant eyes became even moreso. For a moment the world sounded like the scent of chocolate and baby oil.
        “Pinkie Pie,” Applejack said. “Don’t turn around.”
        “Why not?” Pinkie asked, turning around.
        Applejack was wearing--well, she was wearing fabric, certainly. There might even have been enough of it to be considered clothing. There were definitely stockings, made from sheer silk and lace, and several strategic swirls of lace across her body. Even her hat was lacey.
        Applejack took off her hat and covered herself with it. “Dangit, Pinkie!” Applejack said.
        “Oh!” Pinkie said, turning sharply back. “Okay, not like that, Rarity.
        “No, I like that,” Rarity said, giggling to herself.”
“I can see why,” Pinkie said, “But we need something… more appropriate for a dungeon.”
        “Rarity, no--” Applejack said, but it was too late. There was another shudder in the world.
Applejack sighed, and Pinkie heard the distinct squeak of leather. This time, she decided not to turn around. “Something for breaking out of a dungeon,” she clarified. “You know… armour, weapons…”
        There was another shudder, and a clank. Pinkie dared to peek, and was greeted by the sight of what could only be described as a chainmail evening dress. And a whip.
        “Fine,” Applejack said. “This’ll do. Can we just… imagine the door open, or somethin’?”
        “Door’s already open,” Rarity said. She looked at Applejack and giggled. “Yur’ pretty,” she said.
        Applejack ignored her. “The door ain’t open!” she said. She trotted over to the door and gave it a healthy buck to demonstrate. The door held firm.
        “Not that one!” Rarity said. “Why would the door to our cell be open? The door is open in the next cell over!”
        “Rarity you’re lucky I ain’t as good at this as you cause I swear to Celestia, I’m imaginin’ wringin’ your neck right now,” Applejack said.
        Rarity simply giggled. “Choke me mommy,” she said.
        “Okay, hold on,” Pinkie said. Applejack, who had apparently forgotten how words worked and was making up for it with a series of furious, but not necessarily objecting, sounds, was in no position to argue, so Pinkie continued. “That’s perfect! All we need to do is imagine a door between our cell and that one! Or weak plaster, or imagine we’re all mice, or imagine we’re lice ON mice though I dunno if I’d wanna do that because I mean, mice are cute but lice aren’t very cute although Fluttershy might disagree because I think she thinks every animal is cute except for dragons but I dunno if she still feels that way--”
        Pinkie Pie’s rambling was interrupted by a crack of thunder and a herald of bees.
        Applejack pressed herself against the door of their cell, craning her neck to look down the hallway. The evil, the devious… thing, who had captured them earlier, in an epic battle that Applejack was reasonably certain she remembered happening, stormed into the dungeon with six ponies in tow: Princess Luna, Big Mac, Derpy, Fluttershy and Lyra.
        “And that,” declared the villain, “Is how I will use the power of ponies dreaming about exactly what I want them to, to resurrect the great demon Steve!”
        “Makes sense,” Big Mac said. “But where does all the bread come into it?”
        “Good question!” The villain declared. “You see--”
        “Steve?” Lyra interrupted. “That’s an odd name for a Demon.
        “Not Steve,” the villain corrected, Steve! The pronunciation is very important. Anyways, the bread is--”
        “But why?” Fluttershy asked. “Why so much suffering?”
        “I dunno,” he said. “Rule Equestria or something, I guess? Look, about the bread--”
        “Why Equestria?” Derpy asked. “It doesn’t seem thematically appropriate.”
        “Enough! Look, I already rule dreams, don’t I?” The villain demanded. “Anyways, it’s no concern of yours! For you shall spend the rest of eternity in my Dream Dungeon!”
        There was a great sweep of wind, and all six ponies were swept into the cell beside Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie Pie. The door slammed shut, and locked tightly. Then it opened again, allowing a swarm of bees to follow after Fluttershy. Then it closed and locked once more.
        The villain cackled in the manner all villains do: Heartily, joyfully and from the belly. Then he moved to the next door and peered inside. “Hello there!” he said to the mares inside. “Enjoying your stay?”
        “Buck you,” Applejack said.
        “Yeeeees,” Rarity giggled.
        “Such language!” The villain said. “You must be more careful--a child could see this dream!” He looked Applejack up and down, and added, “Though I suppose that ship has sailed. Oh well, who am I to tell you not to entertain yourselves for all eternity? You’ll have to excuse me--I have a diabolical plan to complete! Ta ta!”
        Then he left, cackling his way down the halls.
        “Con-sarnit!” Applejack declared, throwing her hat at the floor. She turned back to Rarity and said, “Alright, the door over there is still unlocked, right?”
        Rarity laughed. “No,” she said. “He locked it, silly!”
        Applejack sighed and rubbed her head. “Well,” she said, “Then I hope no foals are seein’ this dream because HOLY FU-”

A gag appeared in Applejack’s mouth before she could finish swearing.

“Now now, Darling,” Rarity giggled. “You shouldn’t blab about what we do alone together.”

“We gon’k goo anyfink awone togeva!” Applejack protested. Rarity’s flirtations were really annoying her by now. It didn’t help that she was using her newly acquired powers over the dream to dress her in increasingly fetish-worthy gear instead of helping them all escape. Of course, the Dreamer Tea had affected her more than others on a mental level as well, so Applejack was trying to give her some leeway.

Applejack ripped the gag from her mouth. She was willing to tolerate the lace hat and chainmail armour that seemed impractical for battle, but she needed to speak at least. “Pinkie,” she said, hoping that the resident expert on Dreamer Tea could help them. “If the villain locked the doors again, and Rarity can’t open them directly, how can she get us all out?” 

“It’s a dream!” Pinkie said, raising her hoof and closing her eyes. “As long as we follow the rules of the dream, we can do anything.” She turned back to face Rarity. “Rarity, could you do us a super-special, awesome favour and find another way out of our cages?” She gave a bounce for every adjective.

Rarity was now draping over her fainting couch which had appeared out of nowhere. “First, dear Applejack must draw me like one of her Fancy mares.” She pointed at the paper and pencil which had appeared at Applejack’s hooves.

“Ooh! Go ahead, Applejack!” said Lyra. “I’ve never seen you draw before!”

“There’s a darned good reason for that!” Applejack grunted. “I ain’t drawin’.”

“If Applejack doesn’t want to,” Fluttershy mumbled as she looked down at her hoof which was fidgeting with the floor, “she shouldn’t have too. I’m sure we can find another way out before the demon is resurrected.”

“Nuh-uh!” Pinkie rapidly shook her head. “Rarity has the lucid dreaming skills from the Dreamer Tea. We have to follow her plan!”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Fine!” She picked up the pencil with her mouth and sketched “-ll=/lo-“ on a piece of paper.

“Ooh! So delightfully minimalist!” said Rarity.

“Oui, Mademoiselle!” said -ll=/lo-.

“Wow! You’re so skilled, Applejack!” said Lyra. She leaned in closer and gave a big grin. “Your drawing talks!”

“Skill ain’t got nothin’ to do with it,” said Applejack as she rolled her eyes again.

 “Indeed,” said Derpy. “The anatomy is incorrect and it shows a lack of perspective and detail. Clearly Rarity is using her lucid dreaming skills to give life to the sketch.”

“ is right,” Luna replied. “The villain is controlling my power and now Rarity is the only one on our side with the ability to control the dream. We need to convince her to get us out of the Dream Dungeon before it’s too late.”


“We need to hang you in a place where you can be better appreciated,” Rarity said to -ll=/lo-. “This dungeon is no place for a work of art like you!”

“Thank you, Mademoiselle!” said -ll=/lo-. “You may call me Sketch Pad. To honour your love for your marefriend would be magnifique!”

“I ain’t her marefriend!” Appejack protested.

“Well, let’s leave then,” said Rarity. She walked through the bars which were now curtains.

The others breathed a sigh of relief as they followed.

“Thank you for getting us out of there, Rarity,” Fluttershy said.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac agreed.

“Let’s get to the summoning chamber before it’s too late!” Luna ordered as she raised a hoof.

Sketch Pad galloped along the wall, while the rest of the group galloped through the corridor.

They soon found the villain dancing around the summoning circle, yelling, “Come to me, Steve!”

“I must admit, that while it’s an unusual name for a demon, Steve is a cool name,” Lyra acknowledged.

“Who said that!” yelled the villain. “I heard you mispronounce his name! It’s Steve!”

Another gale force wind picked up and blew them into the wall, pinning them against it.

“Ah-huh!” said the villain.”I’ll teach you not to mispronounce Steve!”

Rarity giggled and a giant, hoof-held fan appeared and waved, counteracting the gale. “I’m sure that just like I am happy with my Candy Apple, you’ll be happy with your Steve, whatever-your-name-is.”

“You can call me Malicious Star, and his name is Steve!” replied the villain.

“I ain’t your Candy Apple,” Applejack muttered. “Candy Apple’s my cousin.”

“So, it’s sTeVe?” asked Pinkie. “Or is it •❄☜✞☜?”

“No! It’s Steve!” roared Malicious Star.

“Well, you and STEVE can stay here if you want, but leave Equestria out of it!” Applejack demanded.

“Eeyup.” Big Mac nodded. “I ain’t in a hurry to meet steve myself.”

“It’s Steve!” Malicious Star jabbed Big Mac in the chest with his hoof. “And you’re about to meet Steve, whether you like it or not!”

“Even if you succeed in summoning STEVE, we will still defeat you!” Luna declared raising herself to her full height.

“I must admit that I’m eager to see Steve though,” Lyra admitted. “It’s not every day that you meet a demon. It’s very exciting!”

“It’ll be exciting all right,” said Malicious Star. “But his name is Steve!”

“Demons aren’t traditionally beings one would desire to meet or otherwise engage in,” Derpy said. “I doubt that Steve is different.”

“Oh, I desire to meet Steve very much,” said Malicious Star. “And Steve will show you all what happens when you don’t pronounce his name as Steve, which is the correct pronunciation!”

Suddenly, the summoning circle began to glow with an eerie, green light. Cracks appeared in the walls and the corridor was filled with rumbling, the scent of sulphur and oppressive heat. A deep voice began to laugh from what seemed to be every direction at once.

Malicious Star joined in on the laughter, cackling with glee. “You’re too late! Steve is free! Come to me, Steve!”

“Who has summoned me?” the voice replied.

“It is I, Malicious Star, your greatest servant, Steve!” he replied, as he lay prone with his muzzle pressed against the floor.
 
“You have done well, servant!” the voice said. “Now, with my mighty claws, I shall rend the fabric of… where are my claws?”

“I… uh… I am not certain, oh great Steve,” Malicious Star muttered, his face still pressed against the ground. “But your voice is as powerful and dangerous as ever.”

“I do not care about that.” Steve roared. “Having a threatening voice is not helpful in the slightest if I do not have the power to act upon my evil threats! As a matter of fact, this voice is actually starting to give me a headache.” The voice made a growling coughing sound. “That’s better,” it said. It was much quieter, though still oddly threatening. “And honestly, you can just call me ‘Steve’. The whole ‘special pronunciation’ gets old after a while.”

“But Steve…” Malicious Star whined.

“Shut up,” said Steve. “It’s your fault for not summoning me properly in the first place. If I was capable of rending the fabric of reality, we would not be having this discussion.”

“You’re the one who told me how to perform the summoning ritual,” Malicious Star grumbled.

“And you’re the one who performed it improperly. Just look at that sorry excuse for a circle.”

The assembled ponies examined it. Upon not-very-close examination, it was very clearly more of an ellipsoid than a circle.

Luna couldn’t help but snicker.  Steve was, of course, an incredibly dangerous entity, but listening to him squabble made it hard to feel threatened.  “That really is quite a lousy circle. It’s honestly surprising that you managed to summon him at all.”

“Shut up. I drew it fast,” Malicious Star said sullenly.

“So shoddy,” Steve said. “And this isn’t the first time this has happened either.  How humiliating. Summoned without my body.  Ah well, at least I can still do this.”

There was a poof, and Malicious Star was nowhere to be found.

“Uh…” Pinkie stared at the empty space where he had been a moment before. “Where’d he go?”

“Let’s just say I hope he knows how to handle chimeras.” Suddenly Steve was very threatening again. Who knew what other powers he might have?

“Rarity,” Applejack said as she slowly walked backward. “Why don’t you try gettin’ us outta here?”

“Of course, darling,” Rarity answered. Her horn glowed for a moment, then fizzled. “Uh oh.”

“Looks like that Dreamer Tea is wearing off,” Pinkie said matter-of-factly. “She’s probably losing her lucid dreaming powers.”

“Go figure she’d lose her powers now,” Lyra said. “What are we supposed to do?”

“Wait for just a moment,” Steve said menacingly. “Malicious Star isn’t the only one who can summon. I can do it much better than he can. And I do not require a circle.”  His voice went silent, but it was replaced with a rumble like the sounds of thunder, a landslide, and a waterfall all competing to see which could be loudest.  The dream began to shake.

“The time has come for extreme measures!” Luna announced. “Everypony get around me!”

They all obeyed with no hesitation. The dream continued to quake, so hard that it began to blur, as if it were falling apart at the seams.

“Hold tight!” Luna’s horn glowed and exploded with shimmering magic light.  

Everypony opened their eyes, which they had closed against the brightness of the magic. They seemed to be standing the middle of a great valley, with enormous, overly-steep hills of garishly bright colors all around them.  At the peak of each hill was a building. Each one was a different size and shape. 

“Where are we?” Derpy asked.

“Another dream,” Luna answered. 

“That was… disorienting,” Big Macintosh muttered as he stumbled away from the group.

“It was inevitable,” Luna said with a shrug. “That poorly executed summoning spell severely destabilized the dream, making our escape rather rough. Then again, it is that that allowed us to escape at all.”

“Will that Steve thing be able to find us?” Applejack asked.  

“Eventually, but for the time being we should be safe.  He does not know which dream we escaped to. I suppose sooner or later we will have to deal with him. He is too dangerous to leave alone, even if he only has access to part of his power.

Fluttershy nervously poked her head out from behind Luna, where she had been hiding for the whole event. “Whose dream do you think this is?” she asked.

Suddenly a sack of flour with frog legs hopped by, mooed, and continued on.

“I don’t think I wanna know,” Applejack said.

“Oh, I wonder whose dream this could possibly be.” Rarity rolled her eyes.  “I think we all know that a certain draconequus is responsible for this.”

“Actually, that is doubtful,” Luna said. “I wandered into one of his dreams once.” She shuddered. “Needless to say, this is certainly not his. There isn’t nearly enough chocolate milk, for one thing.”

“Then whose dream is this?”

“That is a very good q-” —A gigantic book flew by, followed by a flock of smaller books— “Actually, I think I have a guess.”

“Okay, so we’re probably in Twilight’s dream, then,” Applejack said. “What exactly are we supposed to do about that?”

“Maybe we could try to tell her about that demon thing that Malicious Star summoned.” Lyra suggested. “If she wakes up, she could warn everypony else about him.”

Luna thought for a moment. “That is certainly a possibility.”

“But what if she wakes up while we’re still in her dream?” Derpy asked.

“That… Normally we would simply wake up as well, but the circumstances of these dreams are so unusual that I am not entirely certain. It would be wise to depart from this dream before she awakes.  Which is just as well. It will likely not be long before Steve tracks us here.  The problem will be locating Twilight’s consciousness.  It could be anywhere in this dream.”

“Let’s do it!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing. “What does that look like anyway?”

“It looks like Twilight,” Luna answered. “Because it is Twilight. I cannot say exactly where she is, but I would guess that if we follow the books, we will find her.”

“Right.” Applejack looked to the sky, noting that there were several dozen flocks of books flying every which way. Occasionally they would dive through the doors and windows of the buildings, libraries obviously, that sat on top of the hills.  “I guess that means we should check out those book nest things then.  Do we split up or stick together?”

“We will split up into groups,” Luna said. “It will take too long to search as one group, but we should not allow ourselves to be caught alone either. Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy will be one group, Lyra, Derpy, and Pinkie another. Big Macintosh will go with me.  If any of you should locate Twilight or run into any danger, send up a signal and come back to this location. In the case of an emergency, I will attempt to bring us into another dream as soon as we are all together.”

“Sounds like a plan then,” Applejack said.

“Yeah!” Derpy nodded. “I’m sure that it won’t backfire and result in all of us being separated when something inevitably happens!”

Everyone stared at her.

“What?”

Rarity scratched her head. “So, were you being sarcastic, or…”

“Why would I be sarcastic?”

“Never mind that,” Luna interrupted. “If anyone else has any better ideas, I would love to hear them.”

Everypony was silent. Especially Big Macintosh and Fluttershy.

“I thought so. Now let us get a move on and find Twilight.  If we can communicate with the waking world, this ordeal will become much easier.”

The group reluctantly split and began to ascend their respective hills. Luna really hoped that Derpy hadn’t jinxed everything.  Then again, if something bad was going to happen, it probably would’ve happened anyway.  Something always happened.

She reached the building at the top of the hill that she and Big Macintosh had selected.  It was shaped like an enormous spiral seashell, jutting from the top of the hill like a spike.  The opening of the shell formed an arched entryway. She looked back just long enough to watch the other groups reach their destinations.  She hoped that she’d see them again soon.

Behind her she heard Big Macintosh gasp.

“What is it?”

“It’s… really big in here.”

“Huh?” Luna turned around and groaned as she saw that the building was far larger inside than outside. The entrance hall alone was large enough to fit the entirety of the building inside it, and there were at least half a dozen doorways leading into other areas that were presumably of similar size. “Naturally.”

        The main hall of the library was an enormous cone shape, as if it had been built inside an enormous sea shell. A staircase curved in a vast spiral around the room, following the ridges of the shell. There were at least half a dozen floors before the staircase curved out of sight. As the two ponies walked across the floor, books that had been sitting on the floor flapped their pages and flew to safety.

        Luna turned to Big Mac. "Well, we better get started searching. The sooner we find Twilight, the sooner we can get out of here. I'll start at the top since I can fly, while you start on the ground floor and work your way up."

        "Nooope"

        "What?! How dare you question my leadership? This is clearly the best plan. I don't see you offering any suggestions, Mr. Smarty Pants!"

        "Sssssh. The quieter you become, the
> 4. From the Mixed-Up Files of Star Swirl the Bearded
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

more you can hear."

        Luna was about to respond when she heard the echoing sound of distant hoofsteps. The sound was faint, but it was magnified by the curved shape of the grand hall.

        "Ok, you're right this time. But we still don't know where..." 

Before she could finish, Big Mac started running, and then took a powerful leap, sailing impossibly far through the air. He caught the third floor railing with his teeth, and then with another kick, flipped himself over and through the open doorway. Luna was shocked for a moment, until she remembered that earth ponies have magic too. At least the dreamer tea hasn't worn off for him yet. She opened her boring old wings and followed.

Unsurprisingly, the door led to a room full of bookshelves. The shelves lay empty, as the books had fled to the back of the room, startled by Big Mac's sudden appearance. Still, it seemed like there were less books than there should be for a room with this many shelves. But that wasn't the important part. At the back of the room, tending to the books, was a familiar lavender alicorn. Her wings were hidden underneath a Star Swirl the Bearded costume robe for some reason, but it had to be her.

"Twilight Sparkle! There you are!"

Instead of answering, Twilight Sparkle began casting a shield spell. That was odd. Did she think they were being chased by Steve? Come to think of it, Big Mac had just charged in at an alarming speed. 

"Do not be afraid, my child. Though we bear grave tidings, there is time yet to flee, for our foe has not yet located this dream. You must cease your slumber and seek assistance in the waking world, before this dream too is invaded."

Twilight added a second layer to her shield. That one was an ancient spell even Luna barely remembered from her youth. Strange, when far more effective spells had been known for centuries. Having finished her shield, Twilight turned to address Big Mac and Luna.

"Uh, do I know you? How did you get here?"

Suddenly a voice called from the doorway behind them.

"Hey Clover, I've got the next load ready downstairs. Can you show them to their perches, while I handle the more dangerous ー Hey Luna! Hi Big Mac! What a surprise. I didn't expect to ever see you again. Or before, or whatever. You know the drill."

"Star Swirl!? What are you doing here? And why did Twilight lose her memories?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? We're storing the knowledge of unicorn-kind in my dream libraries so it won't get destroyed when the windgos arrive next year. Sorry about the mess. Dream books tend to get a bit flighty around strangers. As for Clover, that's my apprentice Clover the Clever, not Twilight Sparkle." 

Star Swirl the-not-yet-bearded paused and looked at his apprentice again. "Though now that you point it out, they do look awfully similar. I suppose you only knew Clover as an older pony, so the mistake is understandable. Clover, this is Luna, future princess of Equestria, and Big Macintosh, my son."

"WHAT?" Big Mac let out an uncharacteristic shout. "That's impossible! ... er, I mean Nooope."

"Search your feelings! You know it to be true."

"Nooope. Still."

"Darn, I was hoping that seeing me would undo the effects of the retcon, but I guess that kind of thing only happens in stories. Well I suppose I might as well tell the story and see if it unlocks any memories. You see, I will once have been an adventurer like you. Err, how about I just use the past tense to simplify things. Anyway, I grew tired of adventures and decided to settle down and live the quiet life. I fell in love with a nice earth pony and we married and moved back to her parents' farm, and started a family of our own.

"I thought I had left my past life behind me, and for a long time, I did. But one day it caught up with me. I don't know how the Time Patrol found me, but somehow, they did, even though I shaved my beard and disguised myself as an earth pony. They hit me with a chronobomb, not only destroying me utterly, but deleting my entire timeline and retroactively removing all ponies memories of me. Luckily, I acted quickly and managed to create a stable time paradox, cloning myself back into existence in the deep past, though I wasn't able to save poor Edith. The patrol never found me again, but I knew it was too dangerous to return to the present, where they might still be searching for me. My only hope in ever seeing my children was through a dream bubble that transcends time, and it seems that my dreams have finally come true.

"So what do you say? Do you feel like everything suddenly makes sense now? Like a weight has been lifted? Years of inexplicable childhood memories suddenly put right?"

"Noooope... That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"Oh come on. Can't you believe me at least a little bit?"  

Luna listened to Star Swirl's monologue and subsequent argument with growing impatience. "I think we've gotten a bit far afield here. As sorry as I am to break up this rather one sided family reunion," she said, not actually sorry at all, "but we came here for a reason. Whether it's finding Twilight or not, we really need to do something about the threat of Steve."

As soon as she said the name, a haunting, otherworldly voice filled the air. It came from everywhere and nowhere, singing an enchanting melody so strange that one would have to invent a new writing system just to properly describe it. It was accompanied by the much less enchanting sound of someone attempting to play a nyckelharpa using only their dorsal tentacles. Or maybe it was a nyckelhorpo; it is hard to tell since in the hypothetical writing system required to describe this music, the As look exactly the same as Os.

"He's already here! We have to run!"

Star Swirl looked unconcerned. "Oh sorry about that. I've got Steve's stupid song stuck in my head. Whenever you mention him, I'm reminded of it, and since this is my dream world, it plays everywhere. It will go away after a while if you distract me by talking about other stuff."

"You heard this monster... and lived? How? What is the secret to escaping his clutches?"

"Steve popped in here earlier, but I dealt with him. Don't worry about it."

"Dealt with him? How?"

"Oh, the usual. I just banished him to another dimension, thus solving the problem once and for all like a sensible pony."

"Wait, again? Did you at least put him in a dungeon in the place you banished him to?"

"When I banish someone, they don't come back. We don't have anything to worry about. Who cares about the precise details of his new living conditions?"

"Even if we're fine, what about the world you banished him to? You shouldn't be so quick to condemn alternate dimensions every time you meet a monster who's the slightest bit threatening."

"Oh come on, like he wouldn't have banished me first, if he had the chance. You saw what he did to Malicious Star, right? It was banish or be banished."

"You rest your argument on the specific circumstances of this case, and yet this is a pattern of yours. You have a problem. I really do not think that banishing all our monsters to places where the inhabitants are completely defenceless is a good idea."

"What is with you and assigning moral weight to people in alternate dimensions? Did you fall in love with your evil opposite or something? It was bad enough when one princess was trying to destabilize reality over a stupid crush. Besides, I don't recall you complaining when I finally managed to get rid of Mr. Cipher."

"Even if you don't personally care, you must still recognize that such an action is prohibited by the cantergorical imperative. Just consider: what would happen if everypony acted as you do?"



	

Meanwhile, in another world...

"Yo beardy! Some serious dudes are here to see you. Says they're Lawrence, Esquire, and Partners," the student called out.

Star Swirl groaned from behind the bookshelf where he had suddenly dived. The Regius Professorship of Chronology was a pretty good gig, all things considered. In between researching why one thing happened after another and working on the time machine in his living room, Star Swirl was left with ample time to ponder the bureaucratic snafu that had led to a research chair being endowed at an ordinary high school, thus conveniently depriving him of any actual duties. 

His only fear was that some day, someone would realize that he was technically a teacher on the staff of Canterlot High, and ask him to chaperone a dance or help with the motorcross competition or whatever nonsense they were up to these days. Over the years, he had developed an instinct to hide whenever anybody started looking for him, but it appeared that he had finally been caught. Sure enough, three serious men in serious suits were standing at the front of the school library. Best to see what they wanted and get it over with.

"Hi guys, what's up? If you're looking for hosts for the fall formal, I am definitely the last person you should be asking. If you're asking about the thing with the salt shaker and the pot, I can assure you that there is a perfectly logical explanation."

"You are hereby requested to appear in court regarding the matter of Dazzlings vs Star Swirl the Bearded. Our clients are suing you for wrongful banishment, loss of livelihood, emotional distress, etc.," said the first man. 

"Witnessed and served," said the second. 

"What Lawrence said," said the third.

Lawyers. Why did it have to be lawyers? Still, there was a chance this could be resolved peacefully. He had never even met the Dazzlings, thanks to a fortunately timed fake sick leave.

"That can't be right. You must be looking for a different person."

"You are Star Swirl the Bearded, are you not? Don't bother denying it. This improbably large school library has an entire wing named after you, and there's a painting under the banner that looks exactly like you. Also, there's noone else around here named Star Swirl or anything like it. We checked."

Well so much for the easy way out. But Star Swirl had one other trick left. Lawyers were the worst scum that walked the earth, he thought. The less of them in the world the better. It's really for the best...

"How about a change of venue?"



	

Pop! Lawrence, Esquire, and Partners awoke in a somewhat stranger library. For one thing, the books were flying around. For another, they had somehow turned into small, colorful horses.

"Where'd he go?"

"Man, you guys look ridiculous!"

"Maybe we're all just dreaming."

"That's impossible! I wouldn't dream of forsaking a client when billable hours are on the line."

"He can't have gotten far, and there's only one exit to the library."

"Like toys for little girls. Only bigger. And not toys."

"Actually, that gives me an idea."


Suddenly, the trio of lawyers heard voices coming from the ceiling above.

"Wait, did they just say Star Swirl?"



	 

Star Swirl the not-yet-bearded watched the three new ponies coming around the corner with apprehension. Something was off about these ponies. Maybe it was the identical magical necklaces they wore. Maybe it was their ominous cutie marks. And then he realized. Lawyers. He had read tales of the horrible beasts in the insane scribblings of lost journals recovered from other dimensions, but he never thought he would have to face any in person.

"Lawyers! Run!", he shouted. "Clover! Take the others to the emergency tea stash. I'll deal with these monsters."

Clover poked a bookcase, which swung away from the wall to reveal a secret passage. Big Mac hurried through, but Luna hesitated.

"I can't just leave you here alone! I must defend my subjects, and after all, dreams are my domain!".

"Don't be stupid! Without dreamer tea, you can't use magic here. Hurry, and I'll hold them off."

Luna looked like she was about to argue again, but instead, she turned and flew through the secret passage after the others. Star Swirl quickly pushed the bookcase back into place with telekinesis and then turned to face the approaching lawyers. 

The familiar words of the banishment spell came to his lips and already, his horn and eyes were starting to glow. There was no room for hesitation in matters like this, whatever that dogooder princess thought. Suddenly, the spell fizzled out. What? He had plenty of tea left. He started the spell again, but nothing happened.

"How cute. The little pony thinks he's a magic unicorn," said one of the lawyers.

"You did this?" asked Star Swirl angrily. "What vile sorcery is this?"

"Oh, it is blocked it on copyright grounds. We apologize for the inconvenience."

"What? How does that make any sense at all? Besides, this is a parody, and clearly transformative, too."

"Try that on the judge, buddy. Fair use is merely an affirmative defence."

"Man, this place is going to be easy," said Esquire. 

“Very well, then,” said Star Swirl, backing away from the trio. “I’m afraid you leave me no choice but̴̹̑͌ ̸̩͋̑t̸̬̩̀ó̶͖̩ ̸̜̍̉a̸̪͂c̸̹̱̾t̶̘̊̒ḯ̴͇̔v̴͚͖̔a̴̺̯͗t̵̙́ͅe̷͚͔̽͑ ̸̙͙̇t̷̪͋ȟ̵̠̭͌ĕ̵̪̅ ̵̦̙̈̒Ȍ̶͕͉̈́m̸̠̈̀e̶̡͓̒g̶̦̳͗ä̵͓͔́ ̸̺̉͘͜1̸̧̰̆̂3̸̛̦͇ ̵̉̈́ͅa̴͙͆̚n̵̢̗̾̍d̸͕̥̃ ̵̰̒ͅn̵͕͈̚ō̷̻w̵͇̙̿̈́,̴͙̼͐ ̸̢̮͌Í̷̢̧ ̵̣̀͝n̵̻͊e̸̢͈̿ḛ̴̈́ḑ̷̰̅̏ ̶̹̣̎͋a̶̖̍͠l̵̡̥̔̈́l̴̠͚̊͝ ̵̮͓͘o̴̡̅f̵̘̈́ ̷̧͉́y̴̅ou to go outssssside, find sssssome really big rockssssss, and push them back and forth for the ressssst of the day! Except for you two.” He pointed at two bat ponies, who also had unusually boxy heads. “You’re on toilet cleaning detail. Come with me!”

Ah, now there was the Captain Bob everypony knew.


———


Gummy plodded down yet another hallway. This airship had a lot of hallways.

A bat pony soldier passed him. “Hey… uh, Brian,” he said. Was that Brian? he thought. Those stupid lizard ponies all look alike.


———


“Works every time,” Daring Do said sassily, shedding her disguise once they were safely around the corner. “I once walked right through the middle of a legion of ancient Chineighse terracotta warrior golems just by drawing a face on a sheet of construction paper.”

“I like your style,” Maud said. “The rough line art reminds me of the cleavage patterns of the lower Mohs scale.”

“And also, they taste like candy, if the candy were made with tree pulp instead of sugar pulp!” added Pinkie. 

“That’s stupid,” said Daring Do. “Why, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think there was some kind of cosmic writer who doesn’t know how to properly write for you, but has to because another cosmic writer before them included you in this part of the story, so they’re just putting barely coherent, tangentially-related nonsense in your mouth in lieu of going to the effort to actually get a handle on writing proper dialogue in your voice.”

“I like grapes!” said Pinkie Pie. 

“Yeah, like that.”

“So what do we do now?” Maud asked, interrupting the authorially inconvenient line of discussion. 

“Well, if I were a betting mare, which I am, if you’ve ever read The New Daring Do Adventures #39: Daring Do and the Valentine’s Poker Chip, then we need to get to the Shrine of Whatever before David does, and Daring Do whatever we can to sabotage his big important ceremony.”

“I feel like there was a reference in there that I’m not getting,” said Pinkie. 

Maud blinked incredulously. “Did you just use your own name as a verb?”

“Yes!” said Daring. “I am contractually obligated to use my marketing department-issued catch phrase at least once per adventure! I die a little more on the inside every time!”

“Well, you’re going to die a little more on the outside, too, once we catch you,” called a batpony from up the hall. 

“What? But how did you know we were here?!” 

“They’re batponies, silly!” said Pinkie. “Of course they have good hearing!”

“Wait, you mean they’re actually half bat?” Maud asked. “I thought they just dressed like that. You know. Like that comic book. With the bat guy.”

“The Tomb of Dracula?” Pinkie said.

“Yes, that’s the one.”

“Wait, is that the one they made that awful Neighponese cartoon from?” another batpony shouted. 

“Yeah, Sovereign of the Damned! It sucked!”

“Was that a vampony crack?” the first batpony shouted. “That’s an offensive stereotype! You’re really in for it now, when we get there!”

“Also, it was Cowboy Bebop. Cowboy Bebop was the reference you didn’t get,” added the second batpony. “Session 3. I mean, come on.”

“Oh, duh! Thank you!” Pinkie yelled, slapping her forehead theatrically, then turned to the other girls. “We should probably be getting out of here, though.”

“Way ahead of you,” Daring said, leading the way down a side passage. “If this ship is anything like the one Auihzotl commandeered from the royal fleet in my fifth book’s special edition, then… aha, yes!” she said, stepping aside and gesturing with a hoof to the airship’s cargo bay, which by chance contained a… “Emergency escape biplane!”

“Amazing!” Pinkie Pie gushed. “Fantastic! Fabulous! Stupendous! Amazifantabulopendous! Now you can fly us all to the Shrine!”

“Oh, er, uh, right…” Daring said, suddenly looking very uncomfortable. “Fly us…”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “You do know how to fly it, don’t you? I mean, you’re Daring Do! Why wouldn’t Daring Do know how to fly a plane?”

“Because I can already fly without one,” Daring said.

“Oh, right.”

“I can fly it,” said Maud, already having taken the pilot’s seat while the other two were talking. “Pinkie can take the back seat. Daring can fly on her own.”

“Wait, why do you know how to fly a plane?” Daring asked as Pinkie sproinged into the back seat and started making machine gun noises with an imaginary weapon emplacement.

“What do you think they teach in a rocktorate program?” Maud said, giving Daring a patronizing look.

“...geology?” 

“Yes. That is the joke. Ha. Ha ha. Ha.”

“I get it!” Pinkie squealed, rocking back with her legs waving wildly in the air with mirth as Maud started up the engine and taxied toward the doors of the cargo bay. 


———


The airship was already less than an hour away from the Shrine of Whatever when the girls had escaped, so in their faster biplane it took hardly any time at all to arrive. The bigger issue was landing.

“I never said I knew how to land,” Maud repeated. 

“It’s kind of implied in saying you know how to fly!” Daring grumbled, impotently attempting to wipe more pink hairs out of her mouth. In lieu of setting the plane down gently, the Pie sisters had elected to bail out and let Daring catch them both before they hit the ground. 

“You didn’t have to catch us,” Pinkie repeated. “Maudie and the ground are like BS&MEBFF.” She pronounced the ampersand. “And I can bounce! Watch!”

Daring put a hoof out to stop the pink pony from demonstrating just how far back in her ancestry a super ball indeed was, but it was already too late, and Pinkie went careening off into the shrine like a pinball. 

“Well, at least we won’t need to check for booby traps on the way in,” Daring said.

Following Pinkie’s trajectory, Daring and Maud entered the Shrine. In archaeological terms, the Shrine was in less than satisfactory condition, even accounting for its age and most likely period of construction, available tools, and local resources. Although there was certainly a wealth of knowledge to be gleaned by study, laborious restoration work would have to be done before any serious field exercises could begin to produce publishment-worthy reports. 

“It’s a dump,” Maud summed up. 

“Yeah… the university never really got back around to this place,” Daring admitted. “Now come on, we have to disrupt the focusing stones before David gets here. You push, and I’ll supervise, and then it’s all just waiting for the would-be Baron’s big important ceremony!”

“I’m not very good at waiting,” said Pinkie, rolling to a stop at Daring’s hooves. “Can’t we just jump cut to the ceremony?”


———


“Darn you, David! I should have known you’d moved the Shrine to the bow of your airship when we were flying here and could clearly see that!” Daring growled as the bat- and lizardponies surrounded the trio. 

“And yet you didn’t!” David laughed, holding and stroking the crown like a fluffy white cat in his forelegs. “But of course, I could only expect such obliviousness from you, Daring Do! Why, the only thing more oblivious would be falling for poorly drawn faces on cardboard boxes and splattered food coloring for disguises!”

Several of the guards coughed awkwardly but didn’t say anything. 

“And now, you will be my honored guests for my coronation! Guards, seize them!” 

“Rar!” said the guards, charging forward, only to be met by Maud’s mighty hooves! Batponies came at her from the left, but were rebuked with the Basalt Bash! Lizard ponies came at her from above, and were throw aside by the Tachylite Tornado! From the right they got gnashed by the Gabbro Gib, and when they came from below she gave them the Quartzolite Crush! Neither bat-, nor lizard-, nor any other type of pony in the world was a match for Maud Pie!

“Don’t take it personally, boys,” Maud said, cracking her hooves. “I’m sure deep down you’re all... Gneiss guys.”

“Aw, she didn’t even get to use the Chert Hurt,” Pinkie sighed. 

Daring smirked from her perch atop the small hill of knocked-out henchponies. “It’s over, David!” she called. “Give up the Crown, or we’ll kick your butt from here to Vanhoofer!”

David smirked back. He was, perhaps, the one pony (assuming lizard ponies counted) in the world who could beat Daring in a smug-off. “I think I’d rather not,” he said, holding the Crown over his head.

“That’s not gonna work, you dummy! We rear̸̠͇̓̾r̴͙͋ạ̵͇͆n̵͊̽͜g̸̨̛̒e̴̖͉͘d̵̜̾̈́ ̸̛̪͘a̵͓̗̐l̶͉̂l̸͗͜ ̶̫̤̀ț̴̌ĥ̶̗̠e̷͚͗̒s̶̜͑̐ę̸͇̇̉ ̸̰̯̐̍f̸̤̯̓̒o̸̞̦͐c̶̗͑͒ȗ̵̬h̵̜̄̀â̶͉̐t̴̺̮̐͝ ̴́̏ͅw̵̲͛a̵̘͛ͅş̴̳̿͝ ̷͈̌ŵ̸̟̐ȏ̵̙̍n̴͙͚̈́͝derful, Princess,” Cheerilee cooed. 

“THANK Y-, I mean, thank you, good Cheerilee,” Princess Luna said, remembering to switch off the Royal Canterlot Voice now that the fun was over. “Alas, duty calls.”

“No time for another round?” Cheerilee said, disappointed, as she slid off the couch.

“Would that there were,” Luna said, levitating her crown back into place. “But the fun must wait to be doubled until another night. You were exceptional, for what it’s worth.”

“Thank you, Princess. I never knew you had such a quick tongue.”

“And you are quite the, what do they call it these days, ‘cunning linguist’ yourself.”

“Close enough,” Cheerilee giggled. “But you really put me to shame! I mean, there’s no way I could handle such a mouthful! What’s your secret?”

“Many late nights’ practice. Now, we must make haste! Clover the Clever and Big Macintosh are waiting in the next dream bubble, and Star Swirl isn’t going to save himself!”

“I’m coming, Princess!” Cheerilee said, pausing only to turn off the karaoke machine. The last lines of Informer faded to black as the two mares trotted off through the membrane of the dreamspace. All in all, Cheerilee had to say that this was shaping up to be one of the better first dates she’d ever been on. 

「神様、私は彼らが決して離れることはないと思っています。」 said the red panda in the blue business skirt, switching the machine back on and loading up a Pontera track. 「ああああ、あなたの所で、すべての恋人の家に行け！」

Trunks and Eventide looked at the monitor, dumbfounded at the events that just happened. “Uh… were we supposed to see that?” said the patrollers. 

Luna just remembered that the two were able to see everything via the machine’s screen and then became embarrassed, while Cheerilee was none the wiser. “OHH-UHH, HI TIME PATROL! UHHH, WE’RE ABOUT TO HEAD TO THE NEXT DREAM BUBBLE! YEAH, JUST MAKING OUR WAY THERE, NOT LIKE THE ANYTHING THAT JUST OCCURED ACTUALLY HAPPENED FOR YOUR EYES TO SEE!” 

A confused Cheerilee tapped Luna on the shoulder. “Um, who’re you talking to?” 

The princess turned Cheerilee’s head toward the 4th wall. “Just smile and wave, and don’t think too hard about.”

“Princess, I think this is the door to the dream bubble we’re looking for,” Cheerilee bolted as she pointed towards the extremely sparkling door. 

“Something about this door feels off… do you guys have any readings?” 

The Time Patrollers diddled with the machine to see if they could find any information on the dream bubble. “It seems safe enough to enter, but just to be safe, unleash all of you alicorn power just in case the two of you become victims of a surprise attack. Remember, the aura of an alicorn is similar to steel.” 

Luna proceeded to hold Cheerilee close to her and charges up to full power, creating a godly, blue aura. The two then proceed through the doorway, into the final stretch of their journey.


~~~


The world within this dream bubble looked dreadful and confusing to the eye. Ripped up dolls in the sky where clouds should be, nothing but multi-colored farmlands beyond where the eye could see and a huge infinity symbol glowing in the distance. “Luna, are you sure this is the right dream bubble? This feels more like something Discord would dream of.” 

Princess Luna looked back and forth multiple times before replying back. “Trust me, I’ve seen what Discord dreams of, and it’s surprisingly tame. Now, follow me, I don’t want you to get hurt. We have to find Big Mac and Clover fast, or else THEY might come...” 

Cheerilee accidentally punched Luna in the shoulder to get her attention. “Sorry about that Luna, but it looks like we have company!”

Luna turned around and saw a slew of villains slowly creep up on them. “Chrysalis? Sombra? Tirek? The Dazzlings? Puddinghead? The Countess? Blossom? How in the world did all of you get here!? … And what are those weird looking buds on your foreheads?” 

Back at the Time Patrol, Eventide fell out of his chair and mumbled to himself, “N-no way, my dad has told me stories about this…” He then got back up and yelled to Princess Luna, “RUN! RUN AWAY YOU TWO BEFORE YOU GET CAUGHT!” 

Luna and Cheerilee tried to escape, but ended up bumping into an unknown figure.

“Hello, Princess… and it seems you have a lackey with you,” said the terrifying blond human as he was pointing towards the two. “If you two are looking for Big Mac and Clover the Clever, then you’re pretty close… but no cigar. They’re in that portal over there and there is nothing you can do about it. I’ve mind-controlled all of my comrades so that I could stop you!” 

Luna yelled at the conceited man, “Who are you, and what do you have to do with any of this!?” 

The mysterious man chortled to himself before smirking at the frightened princess. “I’m surprised you don’t know me, I’m a very famous villain, or should I say, infamous~”

All of a sudden, the man started teleporting quickly, back and forth behind the various villains. “I am a being of high stature, a person to praise indefinitely, a walking charisma leaker.” He then teleported right in front of Luna with a huge, terrifying smile. “I AM A GOD, FOR MY NAME IS DI-” 

Then another, shorter unknown person tapped him on the back. “Hakai…” 

The weird blond man then started yelling in pain as his body slowly disintegrated from existence. 

“Boy oh boy, that person was annoying, I have no idea why he was hired. What a Starscream, am I right?” said the short, gray blob.

“Wait a second… have we met before?” asked Princess Luna. 

“HEY, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!” exclaimed Trunks, being the only one who knew this unknown person. 

The person looked towards the 4th wall, glaring right at Trunks through the monitor. “IT’S YOU! HOW DOES A FAILURE LIKE YOU STILL WORK AT SUCH A PRESTIGIOUS ORGANIZATION!? YOU GUYS BETTER BE TAKING CARE OF MY DAUGHTER, PAY HER MORE THAN YOU USED TO PAY ME!” 

Luna and Cheerilee glanced at each other in confusion while the angry, short man kept yelling at Trunks.

Eventide nudged Trunks to get his attention. “Hey uh, Trunks, do you know this guy?” 

Trunks looked back with sweat pouring down his face. “Actually, I do. This person used to be my partner many years back. He helped save the various timelines of my universe, and was a close friend of mine in the early days of the Time Patrol. Unfortunately, defeating our old arch nemesis, Demon God Demigra, he started becoming corrupted with power and left the Time Patrol without leaving any sort of word of what he was going to do next.” 

Eventide and Luna both looked at Trunks angrily for not telling them sooner about this person. 

“The purple-haired dolt is right ya know, but I’ll gladly explain where I’ve been for the past decade.” The short, gray blob man then pulled out a huge book out from… somewhere, and proceeded to read off the events that lead to this. “I quit the Time Patrol because y’all weren’t paying me enough. I mean, 5000 zeni a mission, seriously!? I was saving the multiverse and that’s the best you could reward me with? So, I left without saying anything, though I did give my daughter half of the money I earned over the years so she could keep being a time patroller and still have a good amount of money while doing so. Next thing I did was use some magic, with the help of Towa and Mira, to resurrect Demigra. With their help, I started recruiting villains from various universes and timelines to create a better team than either the Time Patrol or Time Breakers. I let Demigra run the whole shindig, but I do let everyone there know who the REAL boss is. If anyone gets out of line, I just hakai them straight to the dumpster, just like the noisy Brando guy over here. Anyways, to gather up power, you need to get unlimited knowledge, and who else has such knowledge other than Starswirl? So, I resurrected the Tantabus so I could try to infiltrate his dreams and gain even more power, to go even further beyond a demon god!”

“YOU ARE INSANE, YOU SHOULDN’T BE MESSING WITH SUCH MAGIC!” exclaimed Princess Luna. She grabbed Cheerilee and blasted past the villains, shooting straight through the portal. 

“Oy oy oy, you can’t just escape me!” The gray blob then absorbed the other villains to raise his power even more, giving him enough speed to chase after the princess. 

Luna and Cheerilee made it to the other side, where they found an area filled with nothing but crystals. Each crystal had images of various universes, timelines and dimensions flashing through each facet. “L-Luna, what is this place?” 

The princess stayed silent for a while, looking to the beyond, before replying back. “I… I honestly have no idea. Trunks, have you seen this location before?” 

Trunks and Eventide tried looking through various time scrolls to see if anything matches up. “Ah ha! According to this time scroll, this area was the place where my old partner, Dumplin, defeated Demigra! Those crystals are time shards, glimpses into the past, present and future across time and space.” 

Luna searched the area to see if she could find any traces of Starswirl, Clover or Big Mac. After what seemed like forever, faint yells could be heard in the distance of the vast void. 

“Luna, I think I hear them, they’re somewhere in that direction! Let’s get them and hightail it out of here before Dumplin finds us!” 

Luna nodded at Cheerilee, and rushed toward the edge of the darkness.

As they grew closer, the two could see the 3 ponies they were looking for, who were trapped in one of the time shards. Luna grabbed the time shard and tried escaping the area. 

“LUNA, LOOK OUT!” yelled Trunks. 

Luna turned her head as a souped up Dumplin was rushing towards them. “Oh, ya think you could get away with this so easily? Well, ya got another thing coming, AH HA HA HA!!!” 

The chase went on for a while, as Luna escaped through the portal and headed towards the entrance to the dream bubble, with Dumplin very close behind. Luna then entered a different doorway into another dream bubble, where Dumplin followed suit.

“YA FOOLS, YOU CAN’T ESCAPE THE DUMPSTER! NOW HERE’S A TASTE OF MY LAST BLAST!!!” Dumplin charged up a powerful attack with all his might. Just as it seemed hopeless for the princess and the others, Luna remembered the dream bubble she entered was the same one from when she first started her journey. 

“Mr. Alien, this is the one I was talking about before. Come out for a helping hand!” 

Dumplin looked at the princess, confused at who she was talking to. “Wha? Are ya talking to yourself or what? ANSWER ME!” Just as Dumplin was about to fire his attack, a wad of tentacles started wrapping around him. 

“Ah, there you are! Now, take him to THAT place!” 

The alien looked upward as a giant X-shaped portal opened up. “Hzb svool gl Yroo uli nv!” The alien then hurled Dumplin into the portal and closed it quickly enough so that he wouldn’t escape. Shortly afterwards, the alien used his powers to free Big Mac, Clover and Starswirl from the time shard. 

Everyone said their goodbyes as they went to their respective dream bubbles, except for Cheerilee. “Luna, will we ever see each other again?” 

Luna then hugged Cheerilee and said, “Duh, I literally live a town away. I could just fly to your place for a little more fun. Now go to your dream bubble so you can wake up.” Cheerilee nodded and smiled before entering her dream bubble.

Princess Luna then woke herself up, back at the Time Patrol HQ. 

“Princess, you’re awake! How’re you feeling?” said Eventide. 

“To be quite honest, I feel extremely exhausted, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I had fun.” 

Trunks then offered if Luna would join in lunch with him and Eventide. 

“Sounds good, but I’d rather go back to Canterlot and catch up on some well deserved rest. All this sleeping really tuckered me out!” Everyone then did a cliche group laugh in the most annoying way possible.


~~~


“I’ll figure a way out… I just need to find that porta-OOF! Oy, watch where you’re lookin’, ya triagonal cyclops!”

“Same here, you disgusting blob-thing!”

> Dream On You Crazy Princess [Uncensored Director's Cut] [E-Reader UNFRIENDLY Edition] [So Many Pictures You Guys]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------