Psychology and Pinkie Pie! Two wonderful things, ONE AMAZING SERIES! Stay tuned for shenanigans!
Pinkie Pie throws excellent parties. This is a fact of life, like Fluttershy being rather demure, or Rarity having a sense of style. But the fact is, Pinkie's parties cost bits, and her job at the bakery isn't supporting her passions anymore. So she dusts off her degree and opens a side business...
The day started like any other, with stretches, smiles, and silliness. Well, after all, that's what the Cake twins expected from their semi-half-adopted sister-cousin-friend, and that's what she gave them; regularity was an important part of a foal's development at this point, something she knew all too well. After ensuring they were ready for the day (and ensuring that Pound Cake had a clean diaper), she descended the stairs and prepped the ovens, starting the first batch of display muffins. Today was going to be superlifabulostastic! She had no idea what that meant but it had to be a positive.
"Pinkie Pie?" Carrot Cake wandered down the stairs, smiling as the apprentice baker set up cake ingredients. "Wow. Up and around already. How do you do it?"
The party pony giggled. "I just wake up and OHMYGOSH I FORGOT TO FEED GUMMY!" She zoomed up the stairs.
Carrot glanced at the ovens.
Ten seconds later, Pinkie reappeared, none the worse for the wear. "Kay that's done. Anyway so I'm planning a party for Rainbow Dash on thursday and I looked at my saved up stock and I realized I don't have enough party supplies to load up the party cannon properly so I'm going to need to go shopping but I'm almost out of bits so I was kinda hoping maybe you could give me my pay for the month just a teensy bit early?"
The stallion looked into the quivering blue eyes. He had suspected this day would come soon, and now... now he had to steel himself. "Pinkie... you already got paid in advance. Last week."
"Oh. Okay, how about--"
"For next month. You've got this month and next month's pay." He sighed. "I can't let you have any more money until next month is over, you see, it'd be bad for business."
"...Oh..."
It was rare to see Pinkie saddened, but it wasn't unheard of. The fact that her mane deflated, though, was more then enough to make Carrot Cake worry. If he didn't act swiftly... well, he didn't know what would happen. "...Maaaaybe you could, um, take up some extra work? I know you have plenty of spare time...."
"Yeah, but where would I go? I mean I'm all bouncy and nonsensical and random and most ponies that hire aren't looking for that."
"Now that's not the way to look at things. Think about your talents, not your weaknesses."
Pinkie gave Carrot Cake a deadpan stare. "My special talent is partying. Look where I am now."
"Not what I meant. Your special talent is not your only talent. Why..." he floundered for a moment, before smiling in epiphany. "You reorganized all the cupboards! And you also made all those things you use, the gyrocopter and party cannon. An inventor and an organizer. What about that, eh?"
Pinkie Blinked, a smile starting to spread across her face as her mane poofed up again. "Really? You think that those are good things about me?"
"I know it. All you have to do is find somepony willing to pay for those and you're set!"
"Yeah. Yeah! I can just wander around town and organizes and invent and... oh, but I use my party budget to invent. And organizing isn't really something ponies want to pay for, you know, especially from me. They see me and only see the silly filly who eats ten cakes at a time--"
"Okay, so maybe those aren't marketable. But you see my point. Maybe you have some other talent that can help you find spare bits!" The stallion put a friendly hoof on her shoulder. "You're full of surprises, Pinkie Pie, and I'm certain one of those surprises can help you out here."
"Okay, if you say so!" Pinkie bounded up suddenly, running to the ovens and peering over them with a practiced eye. "But I promise not to do anything about it until after my shift is over okay? Can't be doing things that be taking time from the ovens! Dangerous."
Carrot Cake chuckled, walking over to his own station and giving the cake pans a once over. "That's good to hear. We need a double-decker marbled for an out-of-town order. Apparently some Canterlot pony heard about us and wanted to have our cake for his dance party."
"Oki-doki-loki! I'm on it!"
***
"You want me to help you write a resúme." Twilight Sparkle shook her head. "Okay, why?"
Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. "Isn't it obvious? I want to get another job, duh! You of all ponies I would have expected to get that because of your deductive reasoning and book smarts although I guess you haven't actually had a job because you were always supported by your parent and the princess as a student well unless you count being a librarian which for you is more of a hobby since not a lot of ponies in this town come here anymore which I always found really weird you know seeing as this is a library maybe they're just scared of you or something not that you're scary--"
"PINKIE!"
"Yes Twilight?"
The purple unicorn breathed in, calming herself. "What I meant to ask is why would you want another job? And I've done real work before, by the way, Shining Armor always had trouble properly filing reports."
"Haha! Paperwork!"
Twilight glowered at her. "I was five."
"...Okay, that is kinda impressive." Pinkie shrugged. "I just need some more bits, the Cakes are getting to the point where they can't pay me enough to support my lifestyle. But I haven't actually had an interview ever ever and I was thinking maybe you could tell me where I should be starting!"
"Wait, you haven't had an interview in your whole life? How did you get a job a Sugarcube corner without an interview?"
An unusually somber expression conquered the pink features as the pony let her eyes drift to the floor. "It's a long and sordid story, Twilight Sparkle. I have no wish to discuss it."
The academician stared in shock, completely unprepared for this reaction. Seeing Pinkie Pie serious, using serious words... she backed up a bit, awkwardly floundering around for some way to cheer her friend up. "...oh, um, I didn't... um, I mean, I guess that's okay? I was just curious."
"Of course you were silly filly! You are a QUESTIONING pony, and questions are things that need answers!" Pinkie bounced up to Twilight, regaining her trademarked smile. "But don't you worry your silly willy little head over it at all! Auntie Pinkie has forgiven you already!"
"Auntie Pinkie?" Twilight raised an amused eyebrow.
"I am a year older then you," Pinkie pointed out.
"Toúche." Twilight grabbed a pen and paper with her magic. "Alright. So... let's start with your education. Did you complete elementary?"
"I was homeschooled, but I did finish all my classes before I left home!"
A raised eyebrow from the unicorn. "Okay, that makes sense... do you have any higher education?"
"Yeppers! I have a theatre and literary degree, a bachelorette's in psychology, some on and off hooves-on experiment with mechanics--"
"Wait, wait wait. You have a degree in psychology?" Twilight lowered the paper. "You're kidding me, right?"
"Um, no. Oh oh oh! Wait right here I'll be right back!"
The librarian watched in bemusement as the pink blur disappeared, silently counting down the time it took for her to return.
"Ta-dah! Here it is!"
"Thirty-three seconds...." Twilight peered at the document in Pinkie's hooves. Her eyes ran over it five times. "...Wow. Oh my gosh, you weren't kidding... Why didn't you tell me you went to the Manehattan university?"
"You never asked, silly!"
"Pinkie, do you realize what this means?" Twilight stared at her friend in awe. "You have a degree! That means a lot! You could, could, open an office and anypony that wanted to could you know, get help!"
"Help?" The party pony hid her degree. "Oh, nonono. I wouldn't EVER use my powers to brainwash ponies! Nevereverever!"
"No, I'm not saying that. Look, maybe it takes an outsider view, but a lot of the ponies in this town have serious problems. I could pull the right paperwork, and all you'd have to do is talk to them about it. I'm pretty sure that's how it works, anyway." Twilight wrapped a hoof around Pinkie's shoulder, pointing into the distance. "Think about it. Ponies that had always felt a little bit off, a little bit wrong, and suddenly they learn how to see themselves in a new light. All because of you!"
"You mean by dealing with their demons, I can make them smile?"
"YES! Yes, that's it, exactly!"
"Hmmmm." Pinkie rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Yes. Yes! This could work! I'd need a place to talk to ponies--no, I wouldn't, I'd keep it at home where they'll be comfortable, and I can be super sneaky when I want to be so nopony ever has to know that that pony needed help!"
"That's ingenious! All you'd really need is a public mailbox that takes anonymous letters! And advertising!" Twilight rushed off to her desk, pulling a fresh sheet of paper out. "'Pinkie Pie, Psychologist."
"Psychologest."
The unicorn paused. "Er... what?"
"With an E." Pinkie walked up and pointed at the paper. "Deliberate misspellings are silly, and ponies see me as silly. I have to build on my reputation, or nopony will take me seriously."
"What?"
"Trust me Twilight. I've advertised enough parties that I know how to get ponies' attention. Psychologest."
After a moment, the unicorn shrugged, finishing her penstroke with a flourish. "Alright, you're the entrepreneur. Here." She cast a laminating spell and handed Pinkie the paper. "Your business card. Now just let me head to town hall and file the paperwork, and you'll be all set!"
"Thanks Twilight!" The pink pony wrapped her in a hug. "You're so superlifabulostastic!"
Every day... every day she looked into the face of her little muffin and put on a mask. A smile, a hoof through the mane, a happy trip to school (except on weekends), and then...
Chaos at the post office. But that was work.
The stares of ponies who didn't understand. Who didn't know.
The futile efforts at comforting from ponies who thought they understood.
All the while wearing a smile, trying her darndest to convince those watching that yes, she was stable, yes, she could handle it all, no she did not kiss her daughter to bed just so she wouldn't see her mother crying herself to sleep. At least she could count on the confectionery business to feed her addiction. She didn't even know why she had it, but what the hay, she liked muffins. Muffy muffins. Mmmm.
And this day started out like every other day. Which was why she was surprised when a pink pony popped out of her postal bag midflight.
***
"JUT BEE WELL?!"
Pinkie Pie waved, accidentally dislodging a few envelopes. "Hey! I just thought you needed a quick chatup!" For some inexplicable reason, she was wearing glasses. "How are things with you? Is Dinky doing good in school and stuff? Also maybe we should land. Up to you, of course, but if I were you I'd be thinking having a pony in one satchel and not in the other could unbalance my flight path and also I'd be white."
Derpy Hooves blinked, trying to bring her eyes in focus, before giving up and descending. Even she couldn't understand Pinkie sometimes. "What are blue doing in hair anyway?"
"I told you, I wanted to talk with you!" The party pony hopped out of the bag, shaking like a dog to dislodge even more envelopes. Derpy noted with some bemusement that she was also wearing her Winter Wrap Up vest; given that this was the middle of spring, it boded ill that Pinkie was prepared to break some ice. She instinctively glanced up, looking for wayward clouds; no, the weather team seemed to have a sunny day scheduled.
"...Okay, what do you want to walk about?"
"Oh whatever. You know. Anything." Pinkie was grinning. "Just whatever. Tell me anything."
"...You're pink?" Derpy ventured.
"GAAAAASP! You're right! I'm like super pink except my mane's more of a fuschia and I don't have pink eyes but Rainbow Dash does and HEEEEEEY if Rainbow and I switched eyes we would have awesome matching colors all over our body except Dashie has the whole chromatic mane thing and OHMYGOSH do you think Dashie wears contacts so she can be a total rainbow because that would make total sense but the only way to know for sure would be to remove her eyeballs and that's not a surgical technique I'm allowed to do and speaking of eyeballs you have very pretty golden ones!"
Said very pretty golden eyeballs were spinning around more then usual in their attempt to follow the pink pony's bouncing around their confused owner. Derpy shook her head, managing to focus. "Oh, um... thank you? I really got to get these letters delivered though so if two don't mind--" She suddenly peered at her own muzzle and growled. "I mean, if you don't mind I'll bust--JUST get back on the job. Okay?"
"Oki-doki-loki! I'll help!"
"No, that's really not--" Her words were lost to the blur of pink gathering up the lost letters and stuffing them haphazardly into her saddlebags. "No, seriously, I can't ask you to--"
"Silly filly, you don't need to ask!" Pinkie giggled brightly, nudging her glasses up. "I've already decided to stay with you allllll daaaaaaay loooooooooooooooooooooooooong."
Derpy Hooves stared at her.
She smiled back.
"...Oh look! Gummy!" The pegasus pointed randomly and then bolted.
"What? Where?!" Pinkie glanced around briefly before realizing she'd been had. She flicked her hoof up and clicked her tongue. "Shoot! Curse my jester instincts!"
***
"Here you go! A letter for Romana, four for Minuette, and two for Colgate!"
The blue unicorn took the letters with a raised eyebrow. "Derpy Hooves, you don't know how lucky you are. You only have one name."
"Two."
"What?"
"I used to be Ditzy Doo, but then..." Derpy shrugged. "It's a long and sordid story, Romana Colgate Minuette. I have no wish to discuss it."
"Fair enough. Still, sorting through all this mail can be a hassle..." She gave the mailmare a terse smile. "I'm not blaming you or anything. Just saying."
"It's okay, I blunder hand completely." The pegasus groaned. "Understand. Sorry about that, Pinkie startled me earlier..."
"Really?"
"She popped out of my mailbags and said she'd follow tree all say long."
"Oh." The blue unicorn coughed. "You may not want to turn around then."
Derpy blinked. Then she sighed. "She's right behind me isn't she."
"Well I'm not right right behind you, I'm a bit to the left, but I guess that's close enough to be considered behind!"
The mailmare gave Romana a longsuffering look, which was returned with a sympathetic smile, then turned around to face the party pony. Who was still, inexplicably, wearing glasses and a vest. "Okay. What do you want, Pinkie?"
"Oh just to talk, you know, about things, whatever..." The other pony waved a hoof vaguely. "How are things with you and Dinky?"
"Absolutely perfect." Derpy gave Pinkie a withering glare. "Why, do you have some sort of problem with us?"
"Nope, not me! I think you're actually kinda adorable together." Even the party pony could see she'd stepped into a minefield. "I was just curious anyway, didn't mean to imply anything. Sorry! If you want we can talk about something else, like pancakes or regular cakes or cupcakes or cheesecakes or wedding cakes--"
The pegasus sighed, rubbing her forehead. "I need a muffin."
Instantaneously, Pinkie produced a tray of warm muffins. "Sure thing! I've got blueberry, cranberry, apple, pumpkin, barley, alcohol, chocolate, banana, coconut--"
"Barley, thanks."
"That'll be five bits!"
Derpy handed her the coins casually, taking her preferred pastry and biting into it. Mmmmm. Muffy goodness.... Her spirits lifted somewhat as she walked further down the road. Right, there were two letters for Pokey Pierce, and then three more for Lemon Hearts... Her ears flicked as she heard the sound of hooves behind her.
"...Yes, Pinkie?"
"Hmm? I didn't say anything!"
With a roll of her eyes, the mailmare knocked on the next door. Pokey opened it with a smile. "Hey there Derpy! And um..." He waved nervously at Pinkie.
"Don't worry, Mister Pierce." The baker narrowed her eyes. "Business comes before pleasure, and right now I'm being paid."
"Wait, what?" Derpy Hooves gave Pinkie a confused look. "You said you just wanted to talk with me!"
"Yep! That's what I'm being paid for!"
"Shoe would pay glue to talk to three?"
"Sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality!"
"You're a doctor?" Pokey asked in wide-eyed fear. "Because I'm totally sorry about what happened andIwon'tdoitagain--"
"I'm not that kind of a doctor, Mister Pierce. You can thank your lucky stars for that."
The pegasus held up a hoof. "Wait, hold on. Somepony paid you to stalk me all day long?"
"Weeeeellllll not exactly. They paid me for results and the stalking thing is just a method."
Derpy narrowed her eyes. So. This again. "If anypony has any issue on how I'm treating my daughter they can tell me to my FACE, miss Pie. Your presence is neither required nor preferred."
"Oh this isn't about your daughter, believe you me!" Pinkie Pie wrapped a conspiratorial foreleg around the seething mailmare. "In fact, if anypony tried to change anything about your relationship with Dinky, I might have to break out my special cupcakes for them. You two deserve each other." She smiled broadly. "Your auntie Pinkie is here whenever you need her!"
Pokey coughed. "Er..."
With a start, Derpy Hooves handed him his mail. "Oh sorry! It's just, well," she gestured at Pinkie helplessly.
"I don't blame you, she's scarier then Nightmare Moon."
"It's good to know you have such a high opinion of me, Mister Pierce."
The unicorn clapped his hooves to his mouth when he'd realized what he'd said. He shut the door quickly in a futile attempt to hid from the cold blue gaze of Pinkimena Diane Pie.
After a moment, Derpy sighed. "Book, if you're going boo be with me rile I'm lurking, eye not to hair my customers. Okay?"
"Oki-doki-loki!" Instantly, Pinkie was back to her normal bouncy self.
Derpy sighed. It was going to be a long day, wasn't it.
***
Her medication had run its course too early. So she'd taken a moment to sit down and pull out her pills... which had caused Pinkie to gasp dramatically.
"Wow, what is that?!"
The pegasus sighed, turning the label.
"Zolpidem? Huh, weird name. Why do you take it?"
"Song birds." Derpy shook her head. "Wrong words. Helps." She cringed at the horrible white thing in her hoof, but put it in her mouth and swallowed. With a sigh, she stuffed it back into her bag. "Once a beak. Week."
"Aphasia medication? Never heard of it."
"It's... not easy to get a prescription for." Derpy was surprised that Pinkie knew that word. "And it doesn't work for all cases." The pegasus stood up. "Could you not tell anypony, please?"
"Derpy... you're not hurting yourself with that stuff, are you?"
"What? No!" The pegasus laughed. "No, no no. Um. I do have an actual prescription, see?" She brought out the paperwork for the baker to examine. "There's my name, there's my doctor's name--"
"This is a prescription to treat insomnia."
Derpy Hooves winced.
"...Look, if your doctor doesn't know how you're using this--"
"It's experimental!"
Pinkie blinked. "What now?"
The mailmare sighed. "It's... they know that it can help some kinds of aphasia, but they're not sure why. I... may have convinced my doctor to give me some so I could, you know, handle myself better. It's all completely legal," she added quickly, "I was--am still kinda insomniac, and I don't overdose and he knows about my other use. Just... I don't want anypony to know, okay?" Derpy's expression was pleading. "I get enough with my eyes, can you just keep this secret?"
Pinkie Pie gazed at her over her glasses, her expression unreadable.
"...Please?"
"...Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." The baker performed the motions, then held up a hoof. "Emergency exclusion, though, if you're in medical danger I get to tell who I need to tell."
"I'm okay with that." Derpy started off on her route again. "Dinky follows the same rule."
"What? She knows?"
The mailmare snorted. "I'm not going to lie to my own daughter. And she's a unicorn, I can't really keep her from getting into these. All I can do is tell her what they are..." Her gaze fell to the ground. "Can't keep her safe..."
"Whoa hey now!" Pinkie scooted in front of her, stopping her with a firm hoof. "Don't you ever say that, you hear? I know for a fact that you could face Tartarus to keep her out of harm's way. You are a great mother for her. Heck, you're the perfect mother for her! Her face just lights up when you're around! And, um, and you have matching manes!"
Derpy smiled just a bit, raising her head. "Thanks. I... thanks. Her face lights up?"
"Like a little sun." The baker tilted her head and gave her a cocky grin. "And I've actually met princess Celestia, so you know that I have a firsthoof basis on this one."
"Heh..." The pegasus looked into the sky. "Well, at least I'm doing something right."
"Yes you are!" Pinkie spun round. "Now, let's do more right things! ONWARD TO MAIL!"
"Yes ma'am." Derpy shook her head with a small grin. Maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all.
***
"Okay, so that's Shoeshine's mail," Derpy announced.
"Some of those thick envelopes were for somepony called Linky!"
"That's, um, her... stage name." The pegasus coughed, blushing and averting her gaze. "She, ah, she's a very pretty pony if you catch my drift."
Pinkie Pie tilted her head in confusion. "I could see that, but what does being pretty have to do with a name for a stage?"
"No, I mean that's what she calls herself on the stage."
"Really? Why?"
Derpy Hooves took one look at the baker's confused face and made her decision. "...Forget it. Forget all of it. Don't call her Linky in public and DON'T ask about her show."
Pinkie blinked. "What, is she a bad actor?"
"...So the next pony on the route is Junebug! And after that is Sp--"
Her voice caught in her mouth. Here? Already?
"Derpy?"
"Amethyst Star." She shrugged, keeping her eyes away from Pinkie's face. "Sorry, I... got her confused with Sea Swirl for a moment there."
"They do kinda look alike," the baker conceded. "I'm kinda surprised though cause I know you know all the mail and know where everypony lives. And Sea Swirl lives two blocks down."
"It's the medication," Derpy said without thinking. "After I take it I'm a little wonky."
Pinkie lowered her glasses suspiciously. "A little bit wonky."
"Yes. Don't worry, it just happens. I can deal."
"Derpy Hooves nee Ditzy Doo, I saw you swallow that pill and maintain continued functionality for an hour and thirty minutes, during which you delivered mail to no less then forty seven houses and managed to have a decent conversation with no less then thirty two residents of said houses. And while I am an incredibly silly and whimsical pony, I am by no means stupid. Now could you try that again with maybe a teensy bit more honesty?"
The mailmare started at the unexpected sternness of the baker's tone. She glanced at the house, looked back at Pinkie... then slumped her wings with a defeated sigh. "You're not going to give up on this, are you?"
"I got paid for results and I think I'm onto something here. So no."
"Well... Amethyst and I have a bit of a history. That's all."
Pinkie leaned in. "REEEEEEALY?"
"Yes."
"Good history or bad?"
"Look, I don't want to talk about it--"
"Tell me tell me tell me!"
Derpy was pressed against a wall now. "Please don't do this--"
"TELLLLLLL MEEEEEEE!"
"I can't--"
"Okay how's this. You tell me and I let you know who paid me."
The pegasus paused. "...What?"
"You tell me what's going on here, and I'll let you know who paid me to stalk you."
Blue eyes somehow managed to lock onto golden eyes despite them going in different directions.
And Derpy caved. "Okay. Okay, okay, I... please don't tell anypony about this."
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." The baker didn't back off, but somehow managed to go through the motions without harming the mailmare.
"...She's my daughter."
Pinkie nodded.
Derpy sighed. "She's my... little Sparkler... They took her away after my accident. And, and I let them take her, I let them..."
The pegasus breathed a shuddering breath, tears forming in her eyes. Pinkie caught her, helping her into a sitting position. She didn't say anything.
"And, and, and when I had another little filly, I thought... I thought, this is my chance to make it up, because, I, I didn't know where she was, and, and then I came here, and..." Derpy brought her hooves to her eyes. "And I can't look at her, I just can't, I just... she knows, I know she knows, Dinky knows, but I can't..."
Pinkie rocked her gently, her thought process still as unreadable as always.
"I, I slip her mail under the door, and then, that's it, and I pass her house every day, I could always knock, but I just... I can't..."
They sat there for some time.
***
Eventually, she was composed again, knocking on Junebug's door. The earth pony, upon seeing the tears on her cheeks, had immediately invited her in for some tea. Pinkie had joined them, of course, but she was uncharacteristically quiet and polite as she sipped the beverages. Her blue eyes had never left the mailmare.
It was a bit unnerving.
Eventually, Derpy put down her cup. "So... Pinkie. You said you'd tell me who paid you."
"So it would seem."
The pegasus waited patiently.
The pink pony refilled her cup, adding eight lumps of sugar.
Junebug looked between them, confused. "Who paid her?"
"She's been following me all day. Apparently somepony paid her to."
"Oh, um, well..." The yellow pony gave Pinkie an askance look. "And... did this pony pay you to wear glasses?"
"Nope! The glasses just look professional!" The baker kept her gaze on Derpy, who had gone for one of the biscuits.
Their hostess coughed. "Oh, they do, Pinkie, but... um... how do I put this? Following a pony can be, well, misinterpreted."
Derpy snorted. "That's an understatement."
Pinkie just smiled.
Eventually the mailmare couldn't handle it anymore. She stood up. "Look, Pinkie, you said you'd tell me who you're working for!"
There was an unexpectedly devious grin on the party pony's face. "You'll know by the end of the day, I Pinkie Pie promise."
"What?!"
"Cross my heart and hope to fly--"
"I want to know now!"
"Um," Junebug interrupted hesitantly, "Derpy, darling, could you maybe calm down?"
"--stick a cupcake in my eye!" Pinkie finished.
The pegasus took a long, deep breath.
Then she released it with a sigh. Glancing down, she realized she had crushed the biscuit... and the coffee table in her angry outburst. "Oh... Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry Junebug, I--"
"It's okay. Just... just go."
"I, I'll pay for a new one--"
The yellow pony held a hoof to her mouth. "I understand." Her gaze shot askance to the pink pony who was now gathering the teaset together. "You've been dealing with a lot today. But please... just go now, okay?"
"...alright. And... thanks for, you know, the tea...:"
"It was nothing. I'd do the same for anypony."
Pinkie bounced up. "And besides, you have MAIL to deliver! ONWARD!" She pointed dramatically.
Derpy sighed. "Um, Pinkie, my route is that way." She walked out the front door, glancing at the next house with a wince.
"I'm pointing dramatically, it doesn't have to be the right way."
The mailmare rolled her eyes. Then, with trepidation, she approached the next house.
Pinkie was still smiling as she took the letters and slid them under the door.
Derpy stood and--
"No, sorry, that's not going to cut it." In one smooth motion, the baker opened the door, shoved her inside, and shut her in.
"PINKIE PIE LET ME OUT OF HERE!"
"I'm getting paid for results!"
Derpy pounded on the door desperately. "Pinkie, I swear to Celestia if you don't let me out now--"
"The door doesn't lock from the outside," a new voice pointed out. "You could just open it."
***
Slowly, Derpy Hooves turned around. There, manifest in the form of a unicorn with a deadpan gaze, was her guilt, her shame, the result of the worst mistake of her life.
She was, obviously, waiting for something.
"Um... he-hello..."
"Hey."
The two of them stood there.
Outside the door, Pinkie abruptly began humming some tune. "Hmmm hmm hm hm hmmm, hmmm hmm hm hm hmmm..."
"...So. Pinkie Pie."
"Strange mare," the unicorn agreed. "Hard to believe she's a national hero."
"Yeah."
Pinkie continued humming.
Eventually the mailmare slumped, defeated. "Look, Spa--Amethyst. I... I'm sorry I haven't come around earlier, and... and I'm sorry that I was..." She let the sentence drift off.
The unicorn rolled her eyes. "What? That you were hurt? That wasn't your fault, I know that."
"No, I mean..." The pegasus looked up. "I, I abandoned you, and--"
"No."
"What?"
"No, you did not abandon me." The unicorn walked closer. "You let your doctors put me in a foster care system when you thought you couldn't take care of me. Yes, you gave me away, but you only did it because you loved me."
"I... what?" Derpy looked at her.
Amethyst sighed. "What you did hurt me, yeah. I'm not going to say it didn't and I'm not going to say it was right, but it wasn't the end of the world. I..." She glanced at the ground, embarrassed. "I changed my name out of spite and confusion, but... I'm still your little Sparkler."
"You..." And then the dam broke, and the pegasus surged forward. "Oh I'm sorry, I just, I'm so sorry! I, I I..."
"I know, I know..." Sparkler returned the hug. "I forgave you long ago, mom. Don't worry... I'm here."
The mailmare sobbed. "But, but I was, I was a horrible mother--"
"And now you aren't. I've seen you and Dinky together."
Derpy tensed.
"...I'm not mad. I'm... happy. Just... come by more often, okay?"
"...I will."
"And try to get dad to stop being so weird."
Derpy laughed. "Yeah, that's not going to happen."
***
Pinkie waited patiently outside the door. Well, all right, she was counting the leaves in the trees across the street, and amusing herself making up long and epic stories on their history. She was up to the third chlorophyll civil war when Derpy finally emerged.
The mailmare gave her a pointed glare and a snort.... then she smiled and shook her head.
Pinkie smiled back. "Well, my work here is done! See ya!"
"Wait--" Derpy looked up, but the party pony was already bouncing down the road. "Wait! Pinkie! Where are you going?!"
"Sugarcube Corner, duh! I gotta prep some muffin mix for tomorrow!"
"Who paid you?! You said you'd tell me who paid you!"
"And you have MAIL to deliver! Toodles!"
"PINKIE PIE YOU GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!"
The baker only laughed, bounding round the bend. Derpy almost went after her... but she looked up at the sun and realized that all of Pinkie's shenanigans had already put her behind schedule. With a frustrated, incoherent shout, she swerved round and stormed down her route.
***
With heavy breaths, she managed to make it to the schoolhouse just before the bell rang. She had managed to get her mail delivered, just barely; all that remained in her saddlebags were letters to her own home. Derpy managed to smile a genuine smile, though; she'd just caught sight of her little muffin charging out of the building right at her.
"Mommy mommy mommy! You're here!"
"Of course I'm here, silly filly! A mailmare is never late!" The pegasus struck a dramatic pose... before nearly collapsing. "Oh, but I had a really weird day today."
"Oh? I did too!" Dinky pulled out her papers. "See today we were supposed to draw our favorite pony in the whole wide world but there were no grey crayons so I had to try to use a black one and then Snails saw me drawing and he thought I was drawing Nightmare Moon so he kinda freaked out..."
Derpy giggled, taking the drawing in her own wings. "He thought Nightmare Moon was a blond?"
"Yeah! Weird, huh?"
"Really weird." Handing the paper back, she kneeled down. "Hop on, muffin!"
Dinky complied, wrapping her hooves around her mother's neck. Soon enough, they were gliding in for a landing at Carrot Top's cabin, waving at their landlord. The carrot farmer smiled back at them. "Hey Dinky, did it work?"
"I don't know, I didn't ask yet!"
Derpy let her daughter down. "Didn't ask what?"
"Oh, um..." The unicorn shuffled her feet. "Well, um, nothing!"
A pair of misaligned golden eyes narrowed. "Nothing? Sounds like somepony's keeping a secret..."
Suddenly she leapt at her daughter, who was already running off with a shriek of laughter.
"I'm going to tickle that secret out of you, little filly!"
"Only if you catch me!"
Carrot Top winced as a flowerpot fell over and crashed to the ground, unnoticed by the two. "Hey! Try to keep from breaking things!"
Derpy whirled around. "Sorry! Won't happen again!" In the time her eyes were off her daughter, though, the unicorn had disappeared. "Oh no. Oh where could she be?"
The unicorn, for her part, remained still as possible in the bushes.
"Oh where oh where is my little muffin?" The pegasus began to stalk around the garden with exaggerated steps. "I don't know where she is, oh no! Did she go inside? Oh, maybe she learned to teleport! Oh how will I ever find I GOT YOU NOW!"
Dinky screamed out as she was tugged from the branches, but her voice quickly devolved into laughter as Derpy skittereed her hooves across her belly. "Hahahastophahahamommy! Hahahahaha!"
"Oh, never! I'll never stop. MWAHAHAHAHA!"
Desperate to find some leverage, the unicorn grabbed at her mother's saddlebags. Letters spilled out across the ground as she managed to get out from her grip. "Haha! Now I have defeated you!"
"What? How can this be?"
"You are a mailmare and you MUST! DELIVER! MAAAAAAAAIL!"
The pegasus swooned dramatically. "NOOOOOOOOOO! My one weakness!" She began to gather the letters up, organizing them by intended recipient. As always, there were a number for Carrot Top, and a few for her...
...and one for Dinky?
...from Pinkie Pie?
Derpy gave her daughter a look. The unicorn, realizing she'd been caught, rubbed the back of her head. "Um, Pinkie said she was opening a new business that was specifically meant to make ponies happy and, well, I kinda might have noticed you weren't happy anymore and I asked Carrot Top to help me pay Pinkie and, um.... am I in trouble?"
The two of them stared at each other.
And then Derpy wrapped her hooves around Dinky and pulled her close. She really, really needed her muffin.
Funneling Feelings and Fetishes to a Fundamental Fathoming
Her marefriend had been sleeping on the couch for the past week.
She didn't understand why, really. It wasn't like she'd issued an ultimatum, or anything, she'd just been... upset about it. And then her marefriend had coldly announced she would be sleeping on the couch until she'd come to her senses, and... things were tense. Flowers, apologies, serenading... through it all the object of her affection said she wouldn't come back to bed until she understood what was going on. Except she did understand. She knew what had happened, she knew how the other mare felt, why couldn't that... that tease see it!
Maybe today would be different, she'd thought as she descended to hear her better half humming. Hey, the mare had made her breakfast! Shouldn't she be the one making breakfast? She was the one in the wrong, they both knew it...
Still, food was food. So she sat down, hoping to engage her marefriend in conversation. And then she realized there was only one place, and threw up her hooves in frustration.
***
"Oh come on, Bonbon! I said I was sorry! Like, a lot of times!"
The cream mare gave her an evil smile. "Eat up, deary, you have a big day ahead of you!"
Lyra carefully prodded the pancakes with her fork, knowing that this was another way of beating her up. "Hey, you want some of this?"
"What, do you think it's bad?" A melodramatic pout.
"No, I just want to share its wonder with one of the best ponies in the world!" Her ears caught up with her head. "And what do you mean I have a big day ahead of me?"
"It's a surprise. Seriously though, if I come back in this kitchen and there's a scrap of food left on that plate..." The confectionist pointed a hoof from her eyes to the musician's heart. "I'm headed for the shower, won't be long!"
Watching her flank disappear with a grumble, Lyra picked up the fork and knife and cut into the flapjacks. They were, as always, delicious. Still, it was kinda wrong to not see Bonbon across the table... or in her bed... or anywhere with her really. She'd made a point of purposefully remaining in sight, but not in reach. Why in Tartarus did she love that mare?
After she finished the pancakes--and, pointedly, scrubbed the plate and stuck it in the drying rack--Lyra Heartstrings headed up to the bedroom. She was tempted to use the key above the bathroom door and walk in on Bonbon sopping wet, but a memory of when that last happened stopped her. Instead she just pulled out her lyre and began tuning the strings.
Eventually, Bonbon stepped out, wrapped in a towel. "Oh, did you finish eating?"
"Yeah. And I cleaned up after myself, thank you."
For some reason, Bonbon frowned. "What a good little puppy. How's the lyre?"
"Oh, she's still going strong!" The unicorn put away her tools, strumming the strings experimentally. "Could use some polish on the wood, but she sounds fine to me. Not like that time in Canterlot..."
Her marefriend tilted her head. "What time in Canterlot?"
"....It's a long and sordid story, Bonbon. I have no wish to discuss it."
"Fine, keep your secrets."
There was a knock on the front door. Lyra started. "What--? Who could that be?"
"Probably your surprise." After ensuring that she was, indeed, dry, the cream mare dumped her towels in the laundry basket.
"My..." The musician glanced at her, confused. "Wait. Aren't you going to get that?"
"Nope. It's your surprise, not mine." Bonbon lounged on the bed.
Lyra gave her a suspicious look, walking to the bedroom window. She leaned out and looked down at the front porch.
"Hiya Lyra!" Pinkie waved up at the unicorn with a plunger-covered hoof. She was wearing glasses and her winter wrap up vest for reasons Lyra couldn't fathom. "Your local Psychologest got called in to poke your brain!"
After a few moments, the unicorn announced in an absolutely deadpan voice, "Bonbon, I'm leaving you."
"Oh you'll come crawling back." Her marefriend plucked her saddlebags from their resting place and put them on. "Well, I'm off to work. Have fun with Pinkie Pie!" Humming a tune, she waltzed out of the bedroom.
Lyra glanced back at her, then turned back to the window--coming face to face with a cheerful pink smile. "GAH! Pinkie! Why are you climbing the wall?!"
"This is part of my cardio routine!"
"You have a cardio routine?"
"Yep! How else do you think I work off all that energy I get from eating large amounts of sugar on a daily basis, hmm?" The baker leaned in, glancing around. "Wow, nice place you got here."
"Um, thanks." Lyra considered asking Pinkie to leave, before remembering that Bonbon had arranged this. Which probably meant it wasn't happening anytime soon. "So, Pinkie, you said you're going to poke my brain?"
"Well not really because cutting open your head would kill you but I am going to use my brain to figure out how your brain works and how I can help you work it better so I guess a better way to say it is I'm going to be training your brain with my brain kinda like Rainbow Dash trained those pegasi for that tornado thingy even though she didn't actually train Fluttershy." Pinkie clambered into the room, haphazardly kicking her plungers off into the corner.
"Look, what happened is I overindulged in a fetish that Bonbon is tired of. Okay? I know what I did wrong, I'm sorry for what I did wrong, and it won't happen again." The musician turned away. "There, problem solved. We're done. Let's move on."
"Oh no, nononono. If all problems were solved that easy I wouldn't have a job!"
"Really." Lyra rolled her eyes skyward. "We're really going to do this. Really."
Pinkie sat on the bed and pulled out a notebook. "Now miss Heartstrings, tell me about your mother."
"...You know what, fine. I'll play along." Lyra turned back to the baker. "My mother was an earth pony living in Canterlot with almost my exact same colors who bought a fake horn after I was born so I wouldn't feel like a freak in my own home. One day it fell off and I was traumatized. Since then I have descended into necrophilia, anorexia, and sociopathy. The end."
After a moment, Pinkie lowered her glasses. "You're not taking this very seriously are you."
Lyra backed up uncomfortably. "...Why are you smiling like that?"
"No reason. No reason at all." Pinkie scribbled down something on her pad, then tore it out and placed it in front of her. "Hey, can you play this tune?"
"Um... Yes." It was a really simple tune, three notes and a repeat then a descending triplicate of hill pitches. "I think most musicians could play this."
The baker grabbed her lyre and pushed it to her. "Prove it!"
"What?"
"Play the song! I wanna hear it!"
Lyra raised an eyebrow. "Right now?"
"Yep! Right now."
"....Alright, fine." The unicorn strummed her lyre. "It is kinda pretty. What's this tune called?"
"The Song of Time." Pinkie was grinning and holding on to the instrument.
"The Song of--" Belatedly, Lyra realized her horn was glowing. "OH HORSE--!"
***
"--APPLES!"
Lyra glanced around furtively trying to find anything familiar in the room. It was, she realized, the same room, that is it had the same dimensions.... but the wardrobe was smaller, and the bed had a different mattress.
"Wow, this place was really spartan in the past." Pinkie walked next to the bed. "No nightstands or anything."
"Yeah, I bought the nightstands after---"
The musician blinked.
"....You planned this!" She pointed an accusing hoof. 'Somehow you knew some, some magic song and you realized if I played it--"
"Actually I left myself instructions." Pinkie shrugged. "Well, I suppose I'm going to leave myself instructions now. Back here I'm still on the rock farm."
"What--How does that even--?!"
"Stable time loop. Speaking of which, we should get out now before Bonbon gets back from school."
The baker walked out the bedroom door, humming something under her breath. Lyra walked after her, trying to keep her head as she considered the facts. She was in the past, okay. Magic music wasn't a total unknown, although how Pinkie had managed to trick her into casting a spell would forever elude her. What was important now was getting back to the future. And sadly, the very pony that had brought her here was her best bet at sending her back.
"Wow. Bonbon didn't have a lot of money back now." Pinkie looked over the simple chair and table that rested in the living room. "I guess you will do something important in her life. Just being in here is making me really sad."
"Yeah, before we met, Bonbon was... kinda... listless." Lyra let her eyes ascend to the ceiling. "It's better not to talk about this period of her life.... it's me you're psychobabbling about, not her. Let's focus on me, okay?"
"Oki doki loki! How'd you send us to the past?"
Well that had been abrupt. "Um, well, you see... okay, I can't do magic."
The baker blinked. "But you just did magic!"
"Nonono, I can't... I can channel magic, if I use music, but I can't control it." The musician glowered at her. "Which means that when I played your little song of time, my magic cast itself into a time travel spell and I STILL don't know how you knew that song!"
"Like I said, I told myself."
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! How in the hay could you tell yourself something you never learned?!"
Pinkie grinned mischievously. "I thought we agreed to focus on you, miss Heartstrings."
"I--You--But--"
The pink pony gently took hold of the sputtering unicorn and led her out the door. "It looks like you could use a little relaxation. I think there's a show some foals are putting on, it'll be really entertaining! And sparkly."
***
Lyra had to grudgingly admit, the show had been entertaining. And sparkly.
Yes it was a nonsensical show about dancing muffins or something, but the dances were really very good for a slipshod foal's production. And seeing a little Cheerilee on the stage had been... rather eerie. Pinkie seemed to enjoy it though, especially as all the foals who had helped came onstage for a final bow ("Oh my gosh, lookit! Rarity is adorable!"). And then, after the show, they'd gone for smoothies...
"So, Lyra! Tell me about this fetish that's going to get between you and Bonbon."
The unicorn smacked her head on the table. "Oh, not this again...."
"I got hired to help you and I'm NOT telling you how to get back until I think I have."
Lyra sighed. "Okay okay... okay. I... um. How do I say this...." She breathed in. "I'm an.... well, I... I'm an otherkin."
"A whatnow?"
"I'm an--" The unicorn remembered who she was talking to and verbally backed up. "Oh geeze. How do I explain this.... Okay, um, Pinkie. How would you feel about being, oh, let's just say.... a honey badger."
"Well having claws and being short would be really weird but the thick skin and the whole venom resistance thing sound cool plus there's all the honey I could steal and would I be a normal honey badger or a pink one--"
A mint hoof was jammed into her mouth. "Okay, wrong question. Can you imagine yourself as a honey badger?"
"Mmmph!" The pink pony nodded. "Mmph mpph mm phm mphmm."
Lyra removed her hoof, glancing around self consciously. "Alright. Now... let's say you're a pony and you know it, buuuuut you can only imagine yourself as a honey badger."
"Wait." Pinkie leaned in, peering over her glasses. "Are you saying... you're a honey badger?"
"Wha--No! No, no the honey badger thing is an example! I mean, there are ponies that... just can't think of themselves as ponies, even though they know they are."
"Oh." The baker tapped her hooves on the table. "...Okay, I could see how that could work. And you're one of those ponies?"
"Yeah." The unicorn buried her face in her hooves. "I'm one of those ponies."
Pinkie slurped her smoothie thoughtfully.
After a moment, she put the drink down. "Well I don't think that's what Bonbon hired me about."
"Wait..." Lyra looked up in confusion. "That's not what she's worried about?"
"Nopey dopey! She seemed pretty certain that she 'liked you like you were' and just needed to get over yourself." Pinkie grinned. "Besides, I'm pretty sure I'm an otherkin too. Or was anyway. I used to be a pegasus, but then I took an arrow to the wing."
The musician stared at her, jaw gaping.
"...I do have one teeny tiny question though."
"Uh...." Lyra composed herself and crossed her forehooves. "Er, of course. Shoot."
"What's a fetish?"
***
"Lyraaaaaa where aaaaaare you?"
Pinkie wandered the streets of past Ponyville, looking for the unicorn she was supposed to be tending to. After she'd asked her innocent question, the mint green pony had given her a simply incredulous look, then an understanding one, and then panicked for no reason whatsoever. If she was this flighty it was no wonder Bonbon had hired the best Psychologest in town...
In a nearby alleyway, the unicorn in question pressed herself flat against the wall and inched further into the shadows. Maybe, just maaaaaybe, if she hid long enough, she wouldn't have to be the pony to give Pinkie The Talk. She didn't want to be the one responsible when that bundle of energy decided to throw, oh geeze, a fun party and things got out of hoof--
"Miss unicorn, why are you standing on two legs?"
Lyra started, looking down at the filly. "AGH! Shshsh, I'm hiding from...."
She blinked. "....um, you... wouldn't happen to be named Berry Punch, would you?"
The purple filly stared up at her with suspicious violet eyes. "Yeeeeeeeees..... are you a stalker?"
"THERE YOU ARE!" Pinkie burst out of a nearby dumpster, startling the unicorn to the ground. "Don't run off like that, Lyra, I still need to tell you how to get back to the future!"
"Pinkie!" Lyra shouted, jumping up and clamping her hooves around the baker's muzzle.
But it was too late, the words were said. Berry was giving them an increasingly wary stare. "Wait. You two are from the future?"
Lyra shook her head. Pinkie nodded.
"...Yes or no?!"
"Ah, um, my friend here is... having an episode!" The musician blinked. "Yes! She has this, um, thing where she imagines random things and--"
"Whatever." The filly rolled her eyes. "I'm going home now, don't follow me."
"Oh okay then!" Pinkie grinned, clambering out of the dumpster turning to Lyra. "Why don't we continue with your treatment?"
"You're the one that needs treatment," the musician growled. "Let's just go."
The baker waved at the filly, who returned her gesture with a deadpan look. Then she grabbed the unicorn, tugging her back out into the streets. Soon enough they were walking in no particular direction.
"...I'm so confused," Lyra muttered. "Here we are in the past and you are acting like everything's normal!"
"Would you have listened to me if we were in our own time?"
"I-- What kind of question is that?!"
Pinkie shrugged. "Oh I don't know. It's meant to make you reevaluate yourself and your identity as a person, thereby causing a sudden revelation after which you change your attitude and regain your marefriend."
"Does that really work?"
"Sometimes!"
"Seems kind of hit and miss."
"Well, whatever works!" The pink pony gave her a pointed look. "But in all honesty, would you have listened to me if we were in our own time?"
Lyra pondered the question. "....Probably not," she conceded eventually. "You're, well, Pinkie. The party pony. Not serious in any way. But taking me to the past is a bit of overkill, don't you think?"
"There is no kill like overkill!"
"Really? Why haven't you drowned everypony in confetti yet?"
"Just because there's nothing like overkill doesn't mean it's always necessary." Pinkie spun on her hooves. "So what do you think you need to do when you get back?"
After a moment, Lyra shrugged. "Well, I'm going to make sure I never get sent to the past again. And I'm going to tell Bonbon I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For forcing her to endure my fetish."
Pinkie nodded to herself. "You're halfway there."
The unicorn blinked. "What...?"
"Oh just talking to myself!"
***
They eventually ended up... Well...
In the future, this would be Fluttershy's Cottage. But Fluttershy had yet to move in. So for now it was An Old Cottage Built By A Former Gypsy Who Courted Granny Smith And Failed To Win Her Affection Then Fell Back Into Wanderlust. Lyra snorted as she found the stallion had left some odd sheets of music, mostly half-written love songs that came out sounding like lullabys. She paused as she recognized a set of notes; the Fluttershy of her time was always humming this tune to calm down animals. Huh.
"...And why are we here?"
"No reason whatsoever!" Pinkie Pie bounced up and down, examining every nook and cranny. "Ooo, look at this! I never knew this mole tunnel was here! Oh, here's the hole Fluttershy will fill up after I throw her that birthday party!"
"Pinkie..."
"Huh, it looks like Fluttershy'll have to replace the furniture." There was a loud snapping noise. "And... the stairs too. I always wondered why those seemed to be tacked on, they didn't look like the stairs as Sugarcube Corner but more like stairs in a barn you know what I'm saying where every step is a single board and there's space to hide secret things between them like toys or cakes or water balloons or if you're really lucky a secret room that you can invite ponies over to party in but this cottage is too small for something like that--"
"PINKIE PIE!"
"Yes Lyra Heartstrings?"
"What will I have to do to convince you to take me home?"
"Nothing!"
The unicorn blinked. "...What, really?"
"Nope!"
."....Please take me home."
The baker tilted her head. "I can't do that, silly filly!"
"But you just said--"
"Ahem." Pinkie tapped her forehead. "What do you see here?"
The light dawned. "...You're not a unicorn."
"Thaaaaaaat's right."
"We're stuck here."
"Thaaaaaaat's not right."
Lyra's eyes shot up. "Wait, what?"
Pinkie sighed. "Okay, I'll spell it out. I know how you can get yourself home. In fact, I could tell you right now. But I'm not going to tell you until I think you've gotten what you need. This is solely so I can foster a feeling of dependance in you as part of your therapy. And yes, before you ask, I am aware this makes me irrevocably a bad pony."
There was a moment in which, had this been the future, there would be a lot of chirping birds and skittering mice. But instead there was silence.
".....WHAT. THE. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY?!?!?!?"
Lyra lunged at Pinkie, who sidestepped the attack with a roll of her eyes. The unicorn turned around, preparing to lunge again.
"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING PINKIE?! I have--We have a life in our own time! Don't you get that?! I have Bonbon and you have, I don't know, the Cakes! Ponies depend on us! We need to get back now!"
The pink pony again dodged the furious mint-green hooves, idly dusting off her vest. "Well, I guess I can see your point, kinda, ponies need me to throw parties and make pastries. What about you?"
"What do you mean what about me?!" Lyra threw up her hooves. "I'm an awesome musician! I write symphonies and ballads and, and rock music and EVERYTHING! Do you know how many commissions I have?!"
"None yet."
"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"
Pinkie tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Hmm. I do recall Bonbon mentioning that you have written exactly two hundred and forty seven compositions of variable quality since you moved in with her and are currently working on at least three more if not seven."
"....Yes! Yes, that! Exactly!" The musician, reminded of her achievements, turned to the dusty window. "That's what I'm giving this world, Pinkie! I'm giving it music! And I will rot in Tartarus if it isn't the best music I can make!"
"Everypony remembers great tunes," Pinkie conceded.
"Yes they do."
"Everypony remembers the good sounds."
"Yes. I know."
"Nopony remembers the composers."
It hit Lyra like a buck to the gut.
But, after a moment, she hung her head. "You're right. Play a piano? You're awesome, crowd loves you. Play a guitar, cello, bass, even the disk jockeys get remembered. But unless you're good, really good, nopony remembers the songs you write. And even then, it's only a few... few songs..."
After a moment, she turned back to the pink pony. "That's what I am. Face in the crowd. Yeah, I'm a weirdo with my... otherkin thing, so that gets me some points. And I know that some historian somewhere is going to write down 'was almost Princess Cadance's bridlemaid' when they summarize the whole Changeling invasion. But.... Pinkie, you're an element of harmony, you defeated Discord! Celestia publicly recognized you! A thousand years from now, who knows, you could be the patron saint of.... joke shops or whatever!"
"Very good points." Pinkie adjusted her glasses. "But none of them have anything to do with Bonbon."
Lyra stared at her.
"Who, I might add, was the one that hired me. You're on the right path though," the baker added. "Just narrow it down a little."
"...I.... guess I kinda... well, with Bonbon I feel... like I'm actually doing something. I feel..." The unicorn waved a hoof. "It's... harmonious, I guess. My talent isn't music, it's harmony, so... yeah. And--"
She gasped suddenly.
"....Aaaaaaand?" Pinkie prompted.
"....I just realized. I made myself the leader. I made myself the center of our relationship." Lyra's eyes were wide with shock and self loathing. "I, I took her life and now it's orbiting mine and that's not right that's just--"
"Stop."
A pink hoof landed on her lips. A pink face gave her a gentle, understanding smile.
"Now you know the problem. You've been taking her for granted, right? Well then don't do that anymore. Let her tell you what she wants. Let her lead, okay? That's all she wanted."
After a moment, Lyra nodded.
"And to get back home just play the Song of Time again."
The unicorn blinked. "Wait.... just like that? That's it?"
"That's it."
"....You're not going to ask me about my mother?"
Pinkie giggled. "Silly filly, that was a joke! Besides, I already asked Bonbon about your mother."
Lyra gulped. "So, um, you know--"
"That you weren't making up the thing about the fake horn. Yes. Did it really traumatize you?"
After a moment, the musician cracked up in loud gales of laughter. "HahahHAHAhahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahaHAAAAAHaha!"
"....I'll take that as a no."
In the end, Lyra wiped a tear from her eye as she managed to regain her breath. "Ha ha... haa.... ha, heh... Well. It's been... long and hard, Pinkie. I think I'll head home now." She pulled out her lyre and plucked a necessary notes.
"I'll meet you up ahead!"
"...Wait, aren't you coming--"
***
"--with me?!"
"EEP!" Fluttershy jumped behind the couch as Lyra looked around the cottage in confusion. "Where did you come from?!"
"I just--" The unicorn glanced from her lyre, to the cowering pegasus, out the window, then back to her lyre. "...Oh dear Celestia. Pinkie Pie, what have you done?!"
There was a knock on the door. The yellow mare shrieked again.
"Heelloooooo? Fluttershy?" A familiar pink pony suddenly opened the door. "Are you in--Oh hey Lyra, you're back!"
Lyra was stunned. The baker didn't look old and wrinkly in any way. In fact, aside from the fact she was no longer wearing her vest and and glasses, she looked practically identical to how she had looked when Lyra last saw her. "But... what... how?!"
"Oh, I convinced Celestia to lock me in stasis until a couple days ago so I could get on the train and tell myself about this whole thing. She actually had me hidden behind her throne this whole time, can you believe it?" The baker giggled. "Now I know where she got her sense of humor. Anyway, I just came by to tell you Bonbon's waiting at your place."
"Celestia locked you in stasis?" Fluttershy pulled herself out from behind the couch. "Why? Lyra, what's going on?"
"Bonbon's waiting for me, that's what's going on!" The unicorn dashed out the door, intent on amending the situation.
"Go get her girl!" Pinkie cheered.
The pegasus looked between her and the open door. "Um, Pinkie... I really really want to know what's going on here."
"Oh Lyra just chronoported back from the past and left me behind thereby forcing me to trot all the way to Canterlot and convince a past Celestia I wasn't a crazy fanfilly so she could use her magic to get me back to the right time except she couldn't do that without attracting Twilight's attention so she put me in stasis instead and did you know stasis is really really really really really boring?!"
Fluttershy blinked.
Very very slowly, she came to the conclusion that Pinkie was just being Pinkie. The inclusion of another pony in the equation had thrown her, but after she thought about it Lyra was a bit odd in her own way. Clearly, her own oddity had somehow attracted some Pinkie...ness, and so her sudden appearance in the cottage could be traced back to Pinkie.
"...oh. Okay then." The bearer of Kindness smiled. "Um, could you maybe not scare the animals while you're here?"
***
"BONBON! Bonbon where are you?!"
Lyra looked around the house in desperation, before realizing that the mare in question was... calmly sipping tea in the kitchen. She managed an embarrassed grin. "Oh. There you are, heh...."
Bonbon raised an eyebrow.
"....listen. I... I've been, you know, selfish and conceited and... and I assumed I knew what was best." The musician rubbed the back of her head. "...I let my lust for fame, well, for recognition dominate our relationship. I let my self image come before my... love. I thought of us as one of those sappy romance novels, tomboy and girly girl, and everything worked just like that.... I tried to mold you instead of accepting you. And, you know, I know I've said it, but... I am sorry."
After a moment, the confectionist nodded. "Okay."
"...What, that's it?"
"That's it."
"No 'I'm glad you realized' or--" Lyra stopped. "Oh. I'm doing it again."
"Yep. But you realize it now." Bonbon smiled. "And that's a good start."
"....sooooooooo. Are you, going to, um..." The unicorn gestured toward the couch. "I mean it's your choice, I guess."
"You really don't get this give and take thing do you?" For some reason, the earth pony was amused.
Lyra giggled. "Well, I'm trying."
Bonbon smirked, standing and sashaying up to the blushing mint musician. "Then let's go to the bedroom, my little human, and I'll show you how to really whoop tail."
Work your way up society's rungs with a silver tongue and a soldier's heart. You don't have much, but what you have you can use. Convince those around you that you are more potent then you are. That way they don't attack you.
And, here's the critical point, always have just enough power to keep out of real danger. Even if it's by running.
This was her modus operandi. Yes, she'd been thrown a curveball before, multiple times, but she soldiered on. And this was no different. Granted, there was little she could salvage from her wagon, and in this town at least she'd probably never be able to sway another pony. But she was alive.
Finding work had been somewhat difficult without her props... but really, she could wash dishes. She could cook. She could earn a normal wage.
The small town of Bridlesprocket even had, oh joy of joys, an abandoned house. Granted, it was scheduled for demolition in two weeks, there was a sign in the lawn, but she'd easily earned enough to buy another traveling wagon before the deadline. She'd had to work her tail off, yes. But never once did she say she couldn't take a job.
And then came her current opportunity. She had pounced. And here she was, at some moderately rich pony's home, performing a show for her child's sixth birthday...
***
"Now, Trixie must ask.... was this your card?"
With a flourish, she pulled out the three of spades. The birthday colt gasped, eyes wide, bewildered at her wisdom. "Ye--yes! How did you know?"
Trixie smiled. "Now now, a true magician never reveals her secrets." She patted the colt on the head, then turned to her enthralled audience. "But they will ask if there's anything anypony wants to see!"
"PULL A RABBIT OUTTA HAT!" a pegasus filly shouted. The cheer was soon followed by the chant of the assembled foals, all of them wanting to see the classic trick.
Trixie grinned and uncapped herself with a flourish. "OBSERVE!" She flicked her hat inside out. "No hidden pockets, and no holes. No way for Trixie to trick the eyes!" She returned her hat to its usual format, levitating it onto the small table beside her. "And yet, should she so wish, Trixie can summon any beast she wants!"
"Does that include stallions?" asked a particularly speculative looking filly.
"....A magician never reveals her secrets." Trixie coughed. "NOW! Let me call upon the spirits of shade and earth, and so ask them to bring me what I wish. OM NUM FORTUNUM LAGOMORPHIA CONSCEND!" She reached into the hat and tugged.
"Hiya Trixie!"
"GAH!" The unicorn started, her magic dropping the hat from which protruded a surprisingly pink pony. "I--You're not Snuffles!"
"Oh, see, Snuffles' cousin Jizzy helped me find you! I mean I didn't know where you were but Fluttershy was kind enough to ask around and it turns out that Angel her pet rabbit was Jizzy's cousin and Jizzy knew Snuffles was working for you and so Angel asked Jizzy to take me to Snuffles!"
Two rabbits hopped out of the bespectacled pony's mane while she was explaining the situation. Trixie recognized the floppy-eared brown one, who was giving her an embarrassed smile and a shrug by way of apology; the grey one with sunglasses and a belt, though, seemed totally disinterested.
The pink mare pulled herself completely out of the hat, finally catching sight of the audience. "Oh! Oh you're in the middle of a show, I am so so sorry for interrupting! I can wait, I'll just be in the back!" She jumped of the stage, wandering thought the slack-jawed foals lightly. "Sorry, sorry... okay! Just keep doing what you were doing, Trixie, I can talk to you later!"
"...So, do you like mares?" asked the particularly speculative filly.
"Ahahaha, well! Who wants to see Trixie saw a pony in half?"
***
The rest of the show proceeded... well, actually better then she expected. The newcomer made up for her interruption by not only loudly cheering and gasping at every trick, but also spontaneously producing a present for the birthday pony which, Trixie noticed, was both perfectly suited for the colt and yet somehow did not outshine any of the presents the actual guests had provided. Obviously the mare was good with crowds, and after the mother tripled the agreed upon pay the magician considered hiring her on as a permanent assistant.
"...So. Trixie never caught your name."
"Oh! I'm Pinkie Pie. I saw your show in Ponyville."
Aaaaaaand there went that plan.
The unicorn's head lowered as she entered her traveling cart. "Alright. Let me guess, you want some form of compensation for the Ursa?"
"Nope!"
"You've come to mock Trixie?"
"Na ah."
"...You have a crush on me."
The pink mare snorted. "Hee hee, no, but those two colts might!"
"You mean the two who..." Trixie sighed. "Of course they would... Of course they would. Right." She fixed Pinkie Pie with a pointed glare. "Why are you here?"
"Well you see Twilight was going through the feedback on my new Psychologest job because she wants to handle all my paperwork because apparently she's been doing that since she was like five but anyway when she heard what Lyra and Derpy thought of what I did she sort of thought that maybe she could employ me and I was all But Twilight we're partners here and she was all You're doing great things and then she was like And I'm feeling a little guilty and I said Why and she said she remembered this pony that lost everything in the Ursa attack and she asked me to check up on you and I said Oki Doki Loki except I didn't know where you were but then I remembered magicians pull rabbits out of their hat so I went to my friend Fluttershy's and--"
A blue hoof stopped the rambling stream of consciousness. "So. You're here, basically, because the pony that showed Trixie up is worried about her."
The pink pony nodded.
"....you can tell her Trixie is doing fine."
The pink pony shook her head.
Trixie sighed. "What, are you going to drag Trixie back to Ponyville just so Twilight can apologize in person?"
The pink pony shrugged. Realizing she wasn't going to get any reasonable answer out of her, Trixie removed her hoof and turned around. "Well, whatever you're planning, Trixie does not think she'll be needing you around anymore. She thanks you for your enthusiastic support, however."
"Actually you kinda do need me." Pinkie bounced uninvited into the cart. "I can tell it just by looking at ya! Don't worry though, I won't get in the way at all!"
"Hey! Get out of my home!"
"Wow, look at all these neat doohickies!"
"The Great and Powerful Trixie DEMANDS you leave her abode at once!"
The pink pony pouted. "But Triiiiixiiiiiiie, I don't have anyplace to staaaaaaay!"
"I--That is not the concern of..." The unicorn looked at the wobbling eyes and caved in. "Alright. BUT! You will be ASSISTING the Great and Powerful Trixie!"
"Oki doki loki!" Pinkie sprang up. "I've always wanted to be a wizard! What do we do now?"
Trixie paused. "We.... search for... another gig!" She facehoofed. "I mean, the Great and Powerful Trixie requires another audience to present her wondrous magics to."
"Great! Let's get started!"
***
Trixie flashed into being, appearing on the stage with great bravado. "Come one, come all! The Great and Powerful Trrrrrrixie is here to amuse, amaze, and astound!"
"Are you going to arouse?" asked a particularly speculative looking filly.
"...You were at my last show, weren't you?"
"Yeah."
"Well then," Trixie grinned, "You would already have met my new ASSISTANT! Fillies and Gentlecolts, the Great and Powerful Trrrrrrrixie is proud to present her humble protege! It's time for you all to meet the Preposterous Piiiiiiiiinkie Pie!" She threw down a smoke pellet...
...and once the smoke cleared, she boggled.
"Hiya kiddos!" Pinkie waved. "How's it going?"
"PINKIE! You can't wear that!"
"What? Why not?" The earth pony glanced at her outfit. "I thought all magician's assistants wore these!"
"Those are for adult shows! These are foals!"
"Awwww, but I like the cotton tail!"
"It is kind of appropriate," the speculative filly commented. "Seeing as you pulled her out of your hat last time."
"Nevetheless, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to change." Trixie prepared another smoke pellet. "CLOTHOS SHIFTARI!" Once the smoke cleared again, Pinkie was far more suitably dressed in a tuxedo and top hat... both of which were the same color of purple as Trixie's own cape and hat. The magician nodded approvingly. "Now that that's out of the way, we can let the show begin. Let us regale the audience with feats of magic they have never before seen!"
***
"Well. That went rather well."
"Yep! That was amazing!" Pinkie bounced around the small wagon. "I mean how you did one thing and then that other thing and then WOW!"
Trixie rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes, it was incredible showponyship. I very much appreciate your... assistance in there."
Pinkie beamed. "Really?"
"Yes. A show can make or break on how the audience reacts." She sighed. "It... broke rather a lot in Ponyville."
"Nopony blames you for the Ursa thing, Trixie." Pinkie put a hoof on her shoulder. "We all know it wasn't your fault, and Twilight says she saw you try to fight back!"
Try.
"Hmmph." Trixie rolled her eyes. "As comforting as that is, I suspect it's a lie you're telling me so you can make me feel better."
The baker shrugged. "Well if that's what you want to believe, I guess. So did I ever tell you about Flim and Flam?"
"Flim and--You know my uncles?!"
"Wait, they're your uncles?!"
"Yes! They actually helped me get my cutie mark!"
The pink pony stared at her. "...that actually... explains a lot."
Trixie glared at her new assistant. "And just what is that supposed to mean?"
"You have inherited your uncle's amazing amount of charisma and showponyship."
It was obvious Pinkie was holding something back, but Trixie eventually decided to just accept the praise. "Well... thank you. The Great and Powerful Trixie does not often admit to her influences, as it would be unwise to appear a paragon who exploits those who have come before, but Flim and Flam practically raised the Great And Powerful Trixie." She smiled fondly. "I still remember some of their favorite games...."
After a moment, the magician blushed. "Enough chatter! We must prepare for our next engagement with the audience! Tend to the props, my faithful assistant!"
"SirYesSir!"
***
"Come one come all, the Great and Powerful Trrrrrrrixie is here to tell you a grand saga of heroes, adventures, and triumphs!' The unicorn glanced out into the audience, spotting a particularly speculative looking filly, and sighed. "And no, before you ask--yes, you specifically--it's not going to include those kinds of triumphs."
"But those are the best kind!"
Trixie stared at her.
"I mean," the filly defended, "They're born out of love, right, and not monsters attacking ponies? Well, they should be anyway."
"....The point is conceded, but really the fact is if the audience were interested in those kinds of triumphs they should find a different kind of story. After all, such love is extremely personal."
"Oh. Oooooooh. That explains all the weird looks I get when I ask for--"
"AHEM. As I was saying, I am here to tell you a TALE OF LEGEND and BRAVERY! Is that not right, my assistant?"
"No! It is in fact extremely right!" Pinkie smiled broadly.
"No it... wait..." Trixie paused, reviewing the previous conversation before suddenly clapping her hoof in understanding. "An excellent twist of the tongue, oh preposterous one, but before we get carried away with the semantics of language, let us begin this story." She flung her hooves up, horn glowing as lights began to form. "Long ago, in the realm of the stars, there was a saddened mare."
"Ponies live in the stars?"
Trixie smiled at the child who had asked the question. "We would see them as ponies, but... l do not know if they actually are. This mare, you see, was saddened by the loss of her child to a grievous malefactor."
"That means really bad guy," Pinkie supplied helpfully. "Like really bad, you know, really really--"
"They get it Pinkie."
"Oh, sorry."
"This mare's name was HARMONY. And--"
"Whoa, whoa, I thought Harmony was the broken up Rainbow of Light?"
"I heard it was Discord's girlfriend!"
"No, you both got it wrong, Harmony was an abused alicorn stallion--"
The protests began to increase when suddenly there was a loud BANG.
Trixie turned to Pinkie in astonishment. In the baker's hooves was a wooden tube labeled Taffyzooka mark 4, its tip smoking and somewhat drippy with green goo. Her gaze moved to the back of the room, now splattered in hardening green sludge. What in the world, oh no, this was going to go terribly--
"What is a story?" Pinkie asked quietly.
The audience stared at her.
"So many stories exist, some true and quite a few not. Heroes, villains, romance, vengeance... but what is a story, really? It's something to listen to, something to enjoy, it's.... imagination, given form and structure. It is the heart of a writer, the soul of an actor. It is a way to take others into the realms of self that otherwise would not exist, a way to remember and connect. So do not worry about the details. Do not ask if this is true. Only let the storyteller lead you into a realm you have never before seen and, perhaps, may never see again."
Trixie's jaw fell open.
Pinkie looked at her. After a moment she gave a significant glance to the audience.
"....yes. Wise words indeed!" The magician recovered quickly. "But your method of gaining their attention was rather... odd."
"Well, I am the Preposterous Piiiiiiinkie Pie!" The pink pony grinned like a maniac. "Don't worry, I'll clean it all up!"
The children laughed a bit. Trixie shrugged, rolling her eyes in an overly dramatic fashion and garnering a few more well earned giggles. "Now, where was I? Ah yes.... Harmony."
***
"Okay, where the hay did THAT come from?"
"What, the Taffyzooka? Well you see, in my spare time I like to--"
"No no no, not that, the speech! That, that whole big thing about stories and souls and hearts and stuff!"
Pinkie grinned. "Oh, there's this guy who was writing something but he got so much negative criticism on a small plot detail--not that it was poorly written just that it was wrong--that he decided to take a sabbatical. And then I found him and we had a chat." She rolled her eyes. "Well, not me exactly, it was... well, not me at all actually. But I'm aware of this event anyway."
"Who was this guy?"
The baker shook her head with a smirk. "Secrets need to be kept...."
Trixie sighed. "Fine, fine... keep your long and sordid story, Pinkimena Diane Pie. I won't force you to discuss it."
"Actually it's not that long or sordid. But thanks for saying that!" She shoved her pink features right back into Trixie's face. "How'd you earn your cutie mark?"
"What?"
"How. Did you earn. Your cutie mark?"
The magician blinked. Then she sighed, though a grin formed on her face. "You're just gonna pester me if I don't tell you. So... It was back during the magic primer years. There was a contest for a big, fluffy stuffed rabbit. And I was a little filly. All you had to do was produce the most innovative and complicated spell you could." She shrugged. "But I thought, I'm just one unicorn, my classmate over there can already do a fireball--"
"This is where Flim and Flam come in, right?"
"Yes, actually. They saw how depressed I was, and they told me something. 'Opportunities are rare, kiddo. Take them and make the best of them no matter what you got, cause even if you fail you'll at least have tried.' So, next day, I went into the magical primer classroom, concentrated as heard as I could, and made the absolute most dazzling lightshow I could think of."
"Did you win the rabbit?"
Trixie sighed. "No... No, even though it got me my cutie mark, the spell wasn't innovative at all. But I did get third prize, and a consolation gift." She tapped her hat meaningfully. "And, yeah. That was the start of the Great and Powerful Trixie, showmare extraordinaire."
"What a wonderful story!" Pinkie smiled. "But now I am hungry. Wanna scone?"
"Where did you even--? Yeah, sure. I shall accept this scone for sustenance."
***
"Sir, can I speak with you for a moment?"
Trixie pulled a stallion away from the crowd, glancing at the particularly speculative looking filly who was waiting by the theatre door. "Your daughter has been asking... interesting questions whenever she comes to see one of my shows, and I was wondering--"
"Ah." The stallion sighed. "Say no more. I actually adopted her after... well, after her biological father was arrested for, ahem."
"Oh. Oh! Oh, um, oh, I thought, she was, you know..."
"Her special talent is making ponies happy, but the way she earned her cutie mark..." The stallion shook his head. "Still, I'm happy she's taken an interest in your show. You... don't do, you know, erotic tales?"
"No no no, of course not!"
He sighed in relief. "Oh, good. The therapist said she needed to find some other outlet if she was to... ever really heal." After a moment, he glanced at the door. "Your assistant seems to like her, too."
"Wha...?" Trixie turned to the scene, finding the filly and Pinkie talking animatedly about something or other. The filly was actually laughing. In retrospect, she hadn't laughed in any of her shows beforehoof... she'd actually seemed more curious then anything. "Yes... I suppose. She has a way with foals, almost seems to be one herself."
"How did you meet her?"
The magician sighed. "Well... town before this, I got caught up in some... rather destructive events. Not at all my fault, but if a strange unicorn comes into town and that night a giant star bear rampages through the streets, well... at any rate, I had to leave rather quickly." Trixie waved a hoof at Pinkie. "A few weeks later, and she pops out of my hat, ostensibly to psychoanalyze me and give me therapy. And she wouldn't leave me alone! So... I put her to work."
"Huh."
"Yeah, the show biz is filled with crazy things like that."
"So I hear." The pony nodded. "Oh, I'm sorry, you need to get to your stage, right?"
"Ah, yes. I just wanted to make sure that filly wasn't being... hurt or anything."
"Your concern is much appreciated. And believe me, if she was being hurt..." His face darkened. "I would definitely take care of it."
The unicorn nodded. "I'd hand you the sword." She couldn't possibly imagine what it had been like for the poor filly. "Good day..." The magician walked to her stage, thoughts grim, but made her face a mask of smiles for the children. It was time to wow them.
***
"Well that was an incredible show, right?"
Trixie did not reply to Pinkie, instead staring into her vanity mirror and setting down her hat.
"...the kids seemed to like it, anyway."
"Is this all I am?"
The baker blinked. "What?"
"No." Trixie shook her head. "No, no no no no. I'm more then this. I know it."
"Oh is this the part where you explain how being limited to acting for audiences in small towns makes you feel unfulfilled and desperate for a higher purpose, right?"
"Nail on the head," the magician replied with a small smile. "Do you know that filly that keeps coming to our show apparently had a horrible life?"
"Mmmm, yeah, obvious by looking at her." Pinkie smiled. "That's why I had a little talk with her. Sometimes I do my job for free! There's an upper age limit for that though," she added, "I did take this up for bits."
Trixie rolled her eyes, turning to the party pony. "Okay, miss psychologist--"
"Psychologest."
"Whatever. What is wrong with me?"
Pinkie smiled. "See that's the thing. Your problem isn't as big as some of the things I've handled so it was a bit harder to pin down but now I know what it is and how to help you!"
"You didn't answer my question."
"Nope! Twilight Sparkle."
Trixie blinked, then glowered. "What about her?"
"What about who?"
"Twilight Sparkle."
"Oh yeah. What about her?"
"....That's what I'm asking you."
"I asked you second!"
"No I--well, yes, you did--"
"Then give me an answer! What about Twilight Sparkle?"
"What do you mean, what about her?"
Pinkie rolled her eyes. "See, I'm not following here."
Trixie shouted in frustration. "Will you start making sense?!"
"I'm making imperfect sense!" Pinkie protested. "Can't you understand that?"
"NO! No I can't! Ugh, I knew you were laughter's bearer, but I never thought you to be legitimately insane!"
"Speaking of insanity, did I ever tell you about the time Twilight Sparkle went crazy and--"
The magician screamed. "TWILIGHT SPARKLE! TWILIGHT SPARKLE! So now the truth is out, is it? You think I have some strange sort of vendetta on that unicorn?"
"Well--"
"Listen up, I always always always do the research on competition. So when that thing with the Ursa got me thrown out of your little town you know what I did? I went out and searched EVERY LAST THEATRE for records on a Twilight Sparkle showmare, and you know what? Nothing! This filly was real! So what do I do?"
"I'm guessing that--"
"I go to Canterlot and head straight up to the university and, oh wouldn't you know it, Twilight's actually Celestia's personal student! Oh, and THEN it turns out she's the bearer of the element of magic! WHOOPDY DO! So you know what, I flat out know Twilight's way out of my league and I go to sleep every night THANKFUL she will never touch the stage with those pampered purple hooves of hers!"
"Pampered? That makes--"
"YES! PAMPERED! Guess what, Twilight's out of my league by a long shot and I know it! Guess what else? She's out of my league because she had opportunity after opportunity handed to her. I don't even care whether I'm equal to her, the fact is I will NEVER have the chance to match her because hey, she got more chances then most ponies get in their LIFETIME! 'Opportunities are rare, kiddo. Take them and make the best of them no matter what you got, cause even if you fail you'll at least have tried.' Except Twilight is bathing in them, and that means SHE is better then ME and will ALWAYS BE BETTER THEN ME so stop trying to make me fight her!"
Pinkie, very quietly, gave the panting magician a sympathetic look.
Eventually, Trixie sat back down. "I don't even care if I fail where she succeeded. I'm never going to get that chance. It's... just not fair."
"....you wanna know how I met your uncles?"
Trixie sighed. "Fine. You're clearly going somewhere with this."
"They tried to cheat a friend of mine out of their home."
The unicorn blinked. "Wait.... really?"
"Yep. Her, her grandma, her big brother, her little sister... you've met her actually," Pinkie added, "she was that cowpony you wrangled on the stage."
"...but that's just... wrong." Trixie shook her head. "I mean, sure I humiliated her, but it was on the stage. Not actually... Ponies know the stage isn't real... they tried to steal her home?"
"Well, that and their massive acres of farmland."
"That's just wrong!"
"Why?" Pinkie asked. "They were making the best of an opportunity. They'd have been set for life--"
"It's not about profit! I mean it is, but..." Trixie waved her hooves vaguely. "It's... it's about using your opportunities right. It's about... you don't steal. No, what I mean is you use your opportunities to better yourself and others, not to take advantage of ponies. That's what really matters, doing the right thing."
She glared at Pinkie. "And yes, I realize that probably covers some lesson about how having less opportunities doesn't make me worse then Twilight, so long as I do the right thing."
"You said it, not me!"
The magician blinked.
"And for the record," Pinkie added, "I think you're pretty neat. You're right, it isn't fair, but you seem to have made yourself a pretty good pony. Oh, and I'm quitting as your assistant."
"Wait what?"
"Hey there Jizzy!" The pink pony waved as a grey rabbit hopped through the window. "You ready to go?"
Jizzy flung out a pair of digits, gesturing with a paw.
"Word," Pinkie agreed.
"Wait wait wait, hold on, what are you even--?" Trixie was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Um, hold that thought." She walked to the door and opened it.
"Um... miss Pinkie said you'd need a new apprentice." The particularly speculative filly looked up at Trixie. "And that magic thing seems to be kinda cool... so I was kinda maybe wondering if I could sort of learn from you?"
"Remember, Trix, it's not about what others do. It's about what you do." Pinkie placed Jizzy in her mane then started to stuff herself in the magician's hat.
Trixie nodded. "...I think I'll take you up on that, little filly. In fact, if you prove yourself worthy, I'll even train you for free."
"How is she doing that anyway?" the filly asked, leaning around to see Pinkie already halfway through the hat.
