Dear Princess Celestia...
Dear Princess Celestia,
So… I know you’re probably really busy right now, and I’m really sorry to be bothering you so early in the morning during your super-important diplomatic visit. The thing is, the palace express couriers might be bringing you a few letters in the next few hours, and I thought that I should give you my side of the story before your steward sends his totally biased and misleading version of the events – Applethorn’s always kind of hated me. No matter what he tells you, it totally was not my fault, okay?
Oh gosh, I don’t know where to begin. Well, you remember how, before you left, you gave me permission to hold a little gathering for my class in the palace gardens? Funny story: I kind of made a teensy decimal point error when I hoofed over the catering order to the kitchens, and it was only after they began trotting out the dishes that I realized that there was about ten times more food than my classmates could finish.
I’m totally in the wrong for that mistake; I really should have double-checked the form. See? I’m taking responsibility for what I did. Please try to remember that when you read the later bits of this letter.
Anyway I really didn’t want to waste all that food, not to mention the gorgeous punch fountain that the cooks set up (I have to hoof it to them, they did a great job), so I might have asked my classmates to invite anypony they wanted from the school.
In retrospect, letting them invite an unlimited number of guests each was probably a bad idea.
And I guess I really should have figured out that if all of CSGU finds out I’m holding a party in the palace, they might all want to come.
Now, I really should clarify that, even with a few hundred teenage unicorns wandering around the gardens, the situation was still very much well in hoof at that point. The guards kept them away from the inside of the palace and even though Applethorn was very miffed at me, he was genuinely helpful in keeping things organized, especially on such short notice.
I have to admit that when everypony started enjoying themselves at my party I did let all the attention go to my head, just a bit. And when they all asked to see that spell I mastered for my finals I couldn’t just turn them down, could I? So I demonstrated Veggievine’s Verdant Vitalization for them right in the gardens. I mean, I guess that I really ought to have thought things through before I did it, but…
The next thing I knew, the castle was covered in some kind of South Haysian herbal kudzu.
Okay, I really, really screwed up on that one. And I admit that I screwed up even worse when I thought that the best way to deal with it was to burn it all.
I mean, Igneous’s Internal Incineration is specifically not meant to cause any uncontrolled fires. But the heat still did sort of blacken most of the palace drapes and upholstery, even though luckily other than a few singed coats nopony was hurt. And I swear that was the extent of my own culpability in what happened yesterday; everything else totally wasn’t my fault. At all.
Your remorseful student,
Sunset Shimmer
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
I hope you now understand the importance of thinking before you act. This is not the first time your impulsiveness has gotten you in trouble.
I am somewhat disappointed by your reckless behavior, but none of us are perfect. What matters most to me is that there were no serious injuries. While the furnishings will be expensive to replace, I have long ago learned not to keep anything of exceptional historical value out in the open where they can be damaged by the inevitable invasions, wannabe usurpers, and general accidents involving palace inhabitants.
Your mentor,
Princess Celestia
Dear Sunset,
I have just re-read your letter, and I feel I need an urgent clarification: What exactly did you mean by “everything else”?
It worries me because there are very few South Haysian herbs in the palace gardens, and I am very much hoping those were not the Kanab plants I received as a gift from the Mawari ambassador two years ago.
Your mentor,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Please, please don’t get mad.
I really didn’t know what they were! It’s not like I ever studied exotic botany. Everything seemed normal at first, and I was sort of panicking over the state of the curtains and the awful smell of the smoke. I remember one of the guards angrily coming over to reprimand me, but before he could say anything both of us couldn’t concentrate anymore. It’s only with hindsight that I realize that everypony around: the students, staff and guards, they were all acting really, really weird.
Most of them sat right on the grass staring into space with goofy looks on their faces. Some were giggling inexplicably and others were speaking gibberish to each other. I think while I was trying to clear my head I solved Meadowbrook’s Unproven Equation but forgot the answer immediately afterwards. Strangely enough, Applethorn was still as lucid as ever.
Your very, very sorry student,
Sunset Shimmer
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
I am doing my very best to remain calm, because I am tremendously upset with you right now. The effects of ingesting or inhaling the smoke of the Kanab plant are well-documented, and your mistake has likely put the entire palace – which means a large part of my civil service – out of commission for at least a day, especially considering the dosage you are describing. You should be thankful that the effects are only temporary and there will likely be no long-term brain damage from a single exposure.
It is a small consolation that Applethorn was unaffected: after thirty years in the Equestrian Civil Service, he is completely immune to anything even remotely resembling fun.
This is really not the kind of news I want on my mind half an hour before I am scheduled to be met by the Yakyakistani King; their culture is extremely sensitive to perceived slights.
Your extremely annoyed mentor,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Please don’t read anything into this, but when you say “no long-term brain damage from a single exposure”, would there be, entirely theoretically of course, any negative interactions between Kanab exposure and alcohol consumption?
Your student,
Sunset Shimmer
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
I don’t think I need to remind you that you are not of drinking age. How did you get hold of alcohol.
Your irate mentor,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I said it was entirely theoreti
Sunset, I am asking you a direct question. Is this scenario theoretical or actual?
Dear Princess Celestia,
Okay, yes, I admit it did actually happen. But I swear, this time it really wasn’t my fault! The guard who came to talk to me mentioned he was thirsty – I think he was kind of spaced out, because he didn’t notice the giant punch fountain at all – and that the party really could do with some wine.
Although when he asked me how much we should get, I really shouldn’t have said “all of it”.
In my defense, there was no way I was possibly thinking straight.
Your student,
Sunset Shimmer
Dear Sunset,
Is this is some kind of elaborate prank? The palace cellars have thousands of vintages collected over almost two hundred years. There is no way you could possibly have fetched it all.
Your mentor,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I feel I should mention that I resisted the urge to lie and claim that it was indeed all just a prank,
and not just because I know I can’t get away with it in the long runbecause you’ve taught me that I should own up to my mistakes so that I can learn from them and avoid repeating them in future.The truth is that between the enormous piles of food and the general euphoric haze caused by the smoke… the palace guards and staff kind of decided to join the party and you know, haha, it’s really amazing how much you can move at once with the aid of that many unicorns.
Also, I should really like to point out that I was not in any way involved with gagging Applethorn and tying him to a floor lamp when he tried to stop them from filling the garden fountains with wine.
Though I admit I did laugh at him for a quite a bit when I found him afterwards. I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.
Please don’t banish me,
Sunset Shimmer
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
Now I am convinced that this is all a joke. Even if you managed to cart about a thousand barrels out of the cellar, there is no way the garden fountains, large as they are, could possibly hold that much wine.
Congratulations, you fooled me for a few minutes. But I’ve personally had to deal with the antics of the greatest and second greatest pranksters of all time, and both of them have been gone for a thousand years, while I am still here.
That bit about Applethorn did, however, make me laugh.
Your Mentor,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
You see, there might be a teensy little wine lake in the palace gardens right now. I did however manage to stop them from building a butter mountain right next to it.
Though I didn’t manage to stop everypony from going swimming.
Sunset Shimmer
You mean to tell me that you got every pony in the palace, hundreds of teenaged unicorns included, drunk as well as stoned.
Sunset, this is a lot more than “the extent of my own culpability” you outlined in your first letter. Did anything else happen at this little gathering for your class that you haven’t yet told me?
Okay, I know I really screwed up. It turns out that well, when you put an enormous amount of completely-addled-out-of-their-wits teenagers together in a giant party where piles of crazy things are happening, sooner or later somepony starts losing their inhibitions. Then some others start to join in, and before you know it…
Sunset, are you telling me that there was an orgy right in my palace gardens?
I’m telling you that the Canterlot press might be printing an article about how nearly a thousand civil servants and teenagers broke the record for “largest orgy” right in the palace gardens.
This is beyond irresponsible. Because I cannot tell you how-
Sunset, would you by any chance be able to explain why I have suddenly received a magically transported scroll from Cadance asking me if there is any way to detect pregnancy less than twelve hours after conception?
Oh.
I have no idea what that could possibly be about
It’s not my fault that she joined the party and got herself blind drunk, even if she was as high as a helium-inflated pegasusThe dismal state of sex education in our schools, maybe?
Sunset, I am very close to the limit of my patience. While I understand that you and Cadance have had your differences in the past, I don’t appreciate you cracking jokes about this subject.
No, I promise I’m really not trying to make fun of her.
There’s kinda no way she could possibly be pregnant from what happened.
How in the world could you possibly be sure about th-
Oh stars above. Sunset, please tell me that it wasn’t you who deflowered my niece last night.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Well, I might have kind of maybe deflowered her just a little bit?
Your Student,
Sunset Shimmer
“KIND OF MAYBE?!”
Okay, okay! I did sleep with her, but in my defense I was just as drunk and stoned as she was, and she’s a little older than me.
So maybe it can’t really be entirely my fault?
IT IS IF YOU WERE THE ONE WHO GOT HER DRUNK AND STONED!
I concede that! I am really really sorry! Look, maybe it won’t turn out so bad! Cadance really needed to get out more anyway, she’s spending all her time with some O&O geeks from her school!
Oh gosh, I am so banished, aren’t I.
Sunset,
I am using every trick I have learned in my thousand years of professional serenity to keep calm right now. Make no mistake, I am still furious. But what I want you to do is find Applethorn and do everything – and I mean everything – he tells you to do to help clean up and fix the situation in the palace.
I will be sending more messages through your journal after my meeting with the Yakyakistani King, because my entourage is being shown to his yurt as I write this, and any problems could sever relations between our two countries for hundreds of moons. Do not send me any more messages during my meeting unless it is something that requires my immediate personal attention on a world-ending scale like the return of Discord.
– Princess Celestia.
Uh, about that – after all the pandemonium last night, I think there might be a pretty large crack all along the base up to the statue’s leg.
But there’s nothing to worry about; I’ve spent most of the morning checking the thaumaturgical readings and I am absolutely certain there won’t be a problem unless something ridiculously disharmonious happens, like maybe the nicest pony in Equestria having a total emotional meltdown right in the middle of the gardens within the next ten years. Just to be safe though, you might want to close it off during the upcoming Galas.
…
Princess?
Princess?
A magenta aura snapped the worn leather journal shut with a finality that made Sunset wince.
Having finished narrating the passages aloud, Twilight pursed her lips and put a hoof to her own chest, taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm down. It didn’t look like it was working.
“So… when were you going to tell your marefriend that you slept with her sister-in-law?”
***
Sunset whimpered. “Well, you see, at first I thought that Princess Celestia might have told you how I ended up in the human world…”
Twilight gasped. “She said you fled there after being caught studying the mirror without permission!”
“Well, I did, but that was how I knew when the portal would open when I needed to run away from Princess Celestia very quickly…”
“Forget that,” said Twilight, still furious. “I think I’d much rather know why I had to find out from reading your journal, instead of from you! I can’t believe you slept with Cadance! Do you have some kind of alicorn deflowering fetish or something?!”
“Uh, maybe just a lit-” Sunset cut off her reply as Twilight’s expression darkened further. “Well, in my defense, I only found out the two of you were related when your human counterpart told me her niece was Dean Cadance’s daughter! Then I had to try to figure out how to bring it up; I wasn’t sure I could just casually say, ‘Oh hey honey, how’s it going? By the way, I banged your sister-in-law.’”
“Don't you dare joke about-”
“Oh, don’t be so hard on her, Twilight,” said Princess Cadance.
Twilight turned towards the pink alicorn, who had until then been quietly watching the exchange unfold. “How could you defend her? For that matter, why didn’t you tell me either?”
A completely unapologetic smile spread across Cadance’s face. “There are three very good reasons why. First of all, I didn’t know the two of you were dating until… oh, about half an hour ago. Secondly, in light of that, it honestly wasn’t any of your business who I slept with years ago, so I didn’t mention it when Sunset stole your crown in the Crystal Empire.” Cadance’s grin widened further as Sunset’s cheeks reddened.
“And thirdly, Twilight,” she continued, “you’ve told me on multiple occasions that under no circumstances whatsoever do you want to hear anything at all about me having sex with your brother.”
“But… this isn’t about him… wait-” Light slowly dawned on Twilight. “OH MY GOSH. YOU TWO HAD A THREESOME WITH SHINING?”
Sunset nodded in shame. Cadance nodded in cheeky glee. “Who do you think was the guard who reprimanded Sunset?” said Cadance. “The next morning, Sunset disappeared and we woke up cuddling in her room, and after he calmed me down from my initial panic, we decided to get breakfast. We hung out for a few hours… and that’s how we decided to go steady.”
“I… you told me you and Shining fell in love at your school prom!”
“Twilight, what did you expect us to say? You’ve told me on multiple occasions that under no circumstances whatsoever do you want to hear anything at all about me having sex with your brother.” Cadance paused for a moment and furrowed her brow. “Actually, Sunset… why did you write that there wasn’t any chance of pregnancy, when Shining Armor was clearly there? It caused me no end of worry that morning.”
“Err…” Sunset wasn’t sure if she wanted to answer the question in front of Twilight. But Cadance’s amused curiosity and Twilight’s incensed glare told her it would be best to get it out and over with quickly. “Well, maybe you were too drunk and stoned to remember, but what Shining Armor… look, I’m not sure Twilight really wants to know, but the kind of thing he was into really couldn’t result in pregnancy, okay?”
“Oh!” Cadance nodded in understanding. “Oh yeah, he’s always been really into that. When we were trying for Flurry Heart I had to get him to-”
“NOPE! That’s it, I am out of here!” Twilight stuck both forehooves into her ears and quickly ran out of the room. “LALALALALA-I-CAN’T-HEAR-YOU!”
Sunset groaned as she and Cadance watched Twilight’s retreat. “I am so screwed…”
Cadance put her hoof on Sunset’s shoulder, still grinning. “Nah, you’ll be off the hook soon enough. She’ll be too embarrassed to think too hard about this for more than a few seconds, and she'll be doing everything in her power to forget all about this as quickly as possible. Which means she’ll run out of fuel for her anger pretty quickly.”
“S-so you were doing all that on purpose?”
“Of course. You may be dating her, but I’ve known Twilight since she was a foal. That’s why, even though I instantly connected the dots from years of having sex with him, I still asked about Shining’s taste for...”
“Okay, okay!” Sunset waved her forehooves in front of her, trying very hard not to remember any mental images. “T-thanks a lot for the help. Especially after what went on that night. I’m really, really sorry for everything that happened back then, by the way.”
Cadance burst into laughter.
Sunset started at her sudden reaction. “Uh…”
“Oh, Sunset. You pulled me out of my shell and jump-started Shining Armor’s and my sex life. I should be thanking you.”
“Still, I caused so much trouble…”
“Sunset, you threw a party that would make both Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich jealous. Literally everypony got drunk, stoned AND laid – we broke the record for largest orgy in Equestria, right in the palace after setting it on fire! Twelve ponies were sent to the hospital, government came to a standstill for two days, you caused a major diplomatic incident and created so much chaos that Discord nearly escaped. It was fantastic!”
“But the yaks…”
“Buck the yaks! That party was legendary. Ponies were talking about it for years afterwards! You should do it again!”