Finding Redemption
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-dIEm3fiPQ
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It had been a few days since the defeat of Chrysalis, but the feelings that Starlight felt still lingered as if it just happened. Somehow, she had managed to save her friends with the help from Trixie, Discord and Thorax. And all without the use of her magic. Twilight was beyond just impressed and grateful, she was proud of her student and how far she had come in such a short time. Her eyes glowed with pride and happiness without cease. Starlight just couldn't comprehend it. She had essentially failed in redeeming Queen Chrysalis, and yet she was being praised as if she were some kind of heroine. But she wasn't, at least not to herself. The fact still remained that Chrysalis had rejected her offer of friendship, and there was nothing that she could do.
Starlight had a complicated past, as everypony knew, but what they didn't know was how broken inside she felt the past few days. In a way she didn't feel all that dissimilar to Queen Chrysalis, beyond the creepy and horrifically disgusting appearance of course. They were alike in that they both held a sense of responsibility over others. Starlight learned that in the events leading up to infiltrating the changeling hive. Her special gift was being able to take responsibility over her friends and make the tough choices that others weren't as capable to make. And yet, she was unable to do anything for the changeling queen, as she was no friend. It was an unfortunate reality that, despite her knack for management, Starlight Glimmer wasn't all that talented at making friends in the first place. Most of the time, it seemed like they happened by random chance.
Why had the queen been so hesitant to accept her friendship? What did she have to lose? These questions surfaced and resurfaced in her mind, over and over again for days without cease. She roamed the crystal halls of the castle, her hoofsteps quietly echoing down the shining narrow halls. She was heading to the library to take her mind off things. It was getting late at night and the stars and moon were casting a cool glow of light through a window onto the library floor. A warm, crackling fire provided the perfect atmosphere for getting lost in a book as Starlight perused Twilight's extensive library. She would be proud of her for choosing to read to take her mind off things. That was one thing Starlight could accept, unlike the praise she'd received for saving everyone but perhaps the one who needed saving the most.
She settled on a random book from the shelves. It didn't matter much anyways, she just needed something to read to break the never-ending flow of negative thoughts. She was supposed to be happy, like everyone else, but she wasn't. She sat down in a comfy chair near the roaring fire, feeling the warmth of its glow radiate onto her fur, and opened up the book and began reading. At first, it seemed to be working, but after a couple of pages she found her thoughts returning back to guilt. A paragraph would go by, and moments later she would realize she had no idea what she had just read. After a valiant effort, Starlight gave up trying to read the book and closed its cover with a dull thud.
Suddenly, the voice of Twilight came from behind her. "Reading by the fire?"
Starlight levitated the book back to the shelf and returned to her hooves to face Twilight. "Yes," she replied with a small smile.
Twilight's face became concerned, as if there was something wrong. There wasn't much Starlight could keep secret from her, if anything at all. The student-teacher bond between them had grown to something so much more in recent months, and it sometimes even scared her. Before she had met Twilight and her other friends, nopony had ever known her so closely. Everything felt like it was out in the open, and there wasn't anywhere for her to hide herself or her inner feelings. The feelings she didn't want to express.
Twilight frowned as she watched Starlight for a few moments. "What's wrong?" She asked affectionately, coming closer to her to put a hoof over her shoulder in an embrace.
The fire crackled for a few silent moments as Starlight felt a mixture of thoughts and emotions run through her mind. She thought briefly about keeping them to herself and just dismissing that anything might be wrong, but it was then when a surge of emotion seemingly came out of nowhere. She remained silent and didn't provide an answer, which only further escalated Twilight's concern.
"Starlight?" Twilight continued, sliding her foreleg off of Starlight and meeting her gaze. Starlight's eyes were only barely wet, but Twilight noticed immediately. "Please, tell me what's wrong."
Starlight sighed. So much for avoiding the topic. "I...I'm just...I just wish..."
Twilight said nothing, concernedly awaiting a response.
"I feel like I failed."
Twilight thought for a moment to figure out what exactly she meant, but quickly realized she was talking about the failed redemption of Chrysalis. "Starlight, you didn't fail. You saved us, and that's what matters. I don't know what we would have done without you, and frankly, I don't like to even think about it."
Starlight wished she could control what her mind thought. She didn't like thinking about a lot of things, but it seemed like those were what she thought about most. She tried to keep them inside as best she could, and yet they stood out and controlled her from within. "But I didn't save her," Starlight replied. She was surprised at how emotional the tone of her voice came out when she said it.
Twilight sighed. "Sometimes...we just can't save everypony. Not right away. But that doesn't mean we wont have other chances. Heck, it took quite a while to get Discord to come into the light. And frankly, I'm still not one hundred percent convinced..." Twilight's voice trailed.
While compassionate and genuine, Twilight's response only made Starlight feel worse. It felt more like a comparison between their own abilities of friendship than a friendly reassurance. But she knew Twilight didn't mean it like that in the slightest. "I just wish I could have done something more," Starlight continued. "What did she have to lose in accepting our friendship? She saw what it had done for the rest of them. She saw how happy they were. Why couldn't she just accept me?"
As the words flowed, it became easier and easier for her to speak her mind. Before, it felt like a clouded haze of thoughts and emotions, but expressing them out loud somehow made things more clear. It felt immensely cathartic, so she kept going. "I just don't get it. I did all the right things, just like you taught me. I've made more friends than I could have ever imagined before meeting you, so why couldn't I get through to Chrysalis?" The emotions were returning again. Her head and cheeks felt warm as the feeling spread throughout her body, and her mind focused on the warmly crackling fire. Twilight leaned forward to embrace her in an affectionate hug, knowing that advice wasn't going to help much in this particular conversation. She put both forelegs around her and felt the soft sobbing of Starlight against her back.
Now everything was out in the open. Her thoughts, her emotions, everything she thought and felt. And Twilight was there to see it all, raw and exposed. It was as if her worst nightmare had become reality. And yet, as the lavender alicorn continued to hold her in a tight embrace, she felt her fears dissipate into nothingness. She felt her ruminating thoughts fade away to leave a sense of calm and serenity. The hug lasted for several more seconds as her sobbing came to a gradual stop. Starlight felt the urge to look down and away to avoid having eye contact while she was still recovering from her emotional outburst. But she decided, for once, to just allow everything to show through. She was tired of hiding her inner self through a veil of obscurity.
Starlight looked up from the floor to meet Twilight's gaze, expecting her to avert her eyes out of embarrassment. But instead, she saw the warm look of her friend and mentor smiling right back at her. The look said everything that needed to be said. It said that it was okay she couldn't help Chrysalis. It said that she wasn't a failure just because she couldn't accomplish everything. It said there would be more opportunities in the future. And most of all, it said that no matter what, she would be accepted and cared for. And she believed it.
The crackling of the fire filled the silence before Twilight spoke again. "I'm making some tea," she said plainly. "What kind would you like?"
A small, genuine smile found its way upon her face. "Earl Grey, please."
As Twilight brewed a late night tea for the both of them, Starlight came to realize that the source of her problems wasn't that she had failed, but that she had no outlet to express them. They would become trapped inside for nopony to know but herself and nowhere to go, forcing her to ruminate until they would either disappear or be solved. She realized that this was what made her so good at being responsible for such important things, but that it also made her vulnerable if not kept in check.
Twilight set down a cup of steaming tea in front of her on a table near the crackling fire, and Starlight allowed herself to open up completely, leaving nothing to hide within herself. She took a sip and smiled as she set it down. With her friends, everything just seemed so much easier.