> You Shall Go To The Gala
>  by Purple Patch
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Chapter 1
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Grand Galloping Gala was never expected to be an interesting event for any relatively normal pony.
But for the Canterlot elite, it was an unmissable occasion, for no better reason that because it was simply what the rich and powerful did.
Hang around at big, fancy balls, converse with ponies they weren't friends with, laugh at things they didn't find funny, consume an awful lot of expensive food and drink and...do absolutely nothing.
Irregular Glass, or Derpy as she'd once called herself, had never seen the glamour in the Gala but being invited to it was, nonetheless, a gesture of praise she was obligated to accept. 
She was awaiting the arrival of a mare who her friends had promised would get her ready for the Gala.
All her friends had recommended her after going to her for costumes for the harvest party at Sweet Apple Acres. Derpy fondly remembered the pretty baby-blue tutu they'd gotten her, how it had fluttered as she hopped and pranced to the trill of Granny Smith's fiddle, making her look so graceful despite her staggering lack of dancing talent.
Derpy Doo sat forlornly on the stairs of the Glass family estate, Invitro Manor, as she'd done in her late childhood, waiting for her parents to come home.
They never did.
She'd been afraid to come back here after two years.
She'd been even more afraid to bring Dinky here.
But she’d done it anyway to protect the ones she cared about.
It had been a couple of months since she returned. Night and day she was forced to cook or clean or do whatever else was ordered. As expected, she hadn’t performed well and was often cruelly punished for it, usually with the crop.
A recent bruise on her face had almost faded. The bruises on her shoulders, back and legs, however, had not.
She was told to work. If she failed, she was beaten. If she refused, she was beaten. And she never got to succeed.
Deep down, Derpy believed that they simply enjoyed beating her.
Why? What had she done? Back in Ponyville she’d made plenty of mistakes right up until her pregnancy. Ponies got irritated, sometimes even downright angry, but they never hit her.
Why were things so harsh at Invitro Hall? The house that had once been her home.


"Mah..." a tiny voice piped up behind her. Derpy turned her head to see her little daughter tugging at her mane lightly.
"Hey little Muffin" Derpy's voice was sleepy "You okay?"
Dinky, barely getting used to crawling, was peering up at the portrait of Derpy's parents, a prim silver unicorn with a flowing cyan and magenta mane and a rugged lilac pegasus stallion in a jumpsuit with a spiky blonde mane, holding a tiny, smiling, wall-eyed foal between them. Can Doo the Wonderbolt and Looking Glass the Noblemare with little Derpy in their hooves. It was high up upon the walls and had been left to grow dusty. The Glass Household had constantly spoken of how distressing it was to keep it up but had never gotten around to removing it.
"That's right, Dinky...they're your grandparents...one day maybe...we'll see them again"
"Stop moping under that blasted painting, you stupid filly!"
The imposing figure of Countess Magnifying Glass strode into view, accompanied by a duo of solemn-faced servants. For the gala that evening she was dressed in a deep crimson satin dress with a white silk collar decorated with a net of rubies. The beautiful garment did nothing to hide her tight-lipped and disdainful expression she wore most of the time.
At the sight of her, Derpy instinctively clutched Dinky to her chest and shrank into the corner of the step she sat upon.
"...sorry...milady..."
"And I specifically stated I wanted that 'thing' locked in your room!" She gestured dismissively at Dinky.
"But...she's only two years old...I can't leave her alone"
"Irregular Kaleidoscopa Glass, you will do as I tell you!" she barked "It's a terrible enough indignity that the family must suffer you but that...ill-born will not be seen in public! Not on my watch! The noble Glass family will not suffer it! Now put that thing back where it came from or so help me..."


There was a high-pitched screech from one of the dressing rooms as Monocular and Binocular thundered down the stairs in their underwear, frantically flailing worn dresses in their hooves.
"Mummy! Irregular folded our clothes improperly again!"
"They're all creased! We can't wear these to the gala!"
Magnifying rolled her eyes and snapped at Derpy.
"Celestia forbid, you are hopeless!"
"I-I-I'm sorry I just...it was really hard to-"
"Don't speak." She raised one hoof to the side of her head and nursed her temples "Just go down to the laundry room and ready your cousins a pair of dresses immediately! And then put that back in its room!" she hollered, pointing to Dinky, before storming off, followed by her daughters who violently shoved Derpy into the side of the wall on the way down the stairs.
"You heard her, stupid, go and see to our dresses!" Monocular sneered.
"And don't you dare ruin them again, or there'll be trouble!" Binocular snarled.
Her bumped head spinning, Derpy's first instinct was to check on Dinky. The little filly was whimpering in her chest but hadn't been hurt.
Sighing with relief, she got up.
"Come on then little Muffin" she murmured "Let's...let's get those dresses ready"


*


“And just what time do you call this, milady?”
A cloaked and veiled equine walked primly into a small but cosy old mansion and was addressed by a pinto mare in a maid’s uniform.
“The ship from Zebrica is never really on time, dear” she said, her voice smooth and eloquent “You ponies have never really been good on the sea no matter how hard you try”
“And you’ve never been too hunky-dory on land, if you remember” In contrast, the maid possessed a Trottingham Cockney accent.
“I’m getting better...slowly” The lady removed her cloak and veil and gave a contented sigh that came out more like a hiss “That’s better. 	Allows my scales to breathe. I don’t know how the ponies keep these clinging fabrics on all day. I felt claustrophobic. Multiple times I felt the need to simply fling them off and soak up Celestia’s sun”
“Doing so in the garden’s fine by me, milady. Or I could run you a bath” She smiled wryly “And wait it in for you”
The lady gave a chuckle.
“I’m not home for a minute and you’re jumping at the chance to do something lewd?”
“That didn’t sound like an objection, ma’am”
They both laughed, drew each other together and kissed passionately.
After what must have been several minutes, they pulled their lips apart.
“Cor! I forgot how thorough you are” The pinto maid’s head spun.
“One of the many benefits of a prehensile tongue” The lady gave a menacing grin “Aren’t you going to ask me how it went?”
“Aren’t you going to tell me?”
“The Wilderbeast will stalk the streets of Timbucktu no longer” She hung up an ornate Neighponese blade on the wall.
“How did it end for him?” the maid asked.
“I chased him into the Street of Masks. From there it was largely a matter of leading him into the right alley. Somehow my sword caught fire...and then so did he. But that’s alright. I quite enjoy my food crisssssp”
“Well, I certainly hope you washed out your mouth before you kissed me just now” the maid tutted “Now you’ll want to wash and change as soon as poss. We need to be at the gala in three hours”
“I almost forgot, or perhaps would’ve liked to. Will he be joining us this evening?”
“Yes, he will ma’am. He wrote to me while you were out”
“Sending each other letters now are we, my wayward filly?”
The maid rolled her eyes.
“I’ll run a bath”
“Do, darling”


*


Derpy had never been good at laundry. The steam made it hot and hard to see, her hooves were next to useless folding and straightening the fabric and her wings felt wet and heavy in the humidity. She felt her nostrils stinging and her eyes watering under the vapours coming from the conditioner and her soapy hooves couldn't rub it away. Every now and again, she would check on Dinky, who she'd left atop a pile of towels out of the way. She was napping. It was a relief to know she wasn't undergoing what her mother was being put through.
After what seemed like several hours, the dresses were ready to an adequate quality, ready for the gala. Carefully placing them on hangers, she sent them up via the pulley system leading from the laundry to the dressing room.
As the hiss of the white hot iron and steam subsided, her foal's cry began to grow louder.
"Mah...Mah!"
Derpy turned and realised to her horror that the steam filling the room had caused the towels to expand with moisture and were toppling over. The little foal atop them was clinging to the edges of one they slowly began to tumble into the tub of scalding hot water.
With a cry, Derpy shot forward and grabbed her daughter, spreading her wings to shield her from the splash as the towels cascaded into the tub. She felt it fly across her wing and burn. It didn't leave a mark but it hurt. And she felt like she deserved it.
Too many times in the past, Dinky had nearly come to injury thanks to her mother's clumsiness. Dinky never took it that badly, she just seemed happy that her mother had come to her rescue when she did. But to Derpy it stopped her entire world and took her to a dark place in her mind, filled with lingering voices that told her that she wasn't good enough. Clumsy, stupid, irresponsible, words that had drilled into her mind by the crueller ponies she'd known.
"I'm sorry, Dinky" she whimpered "I'm so sorry..."
"Mm...Mah wah?" Dinky mumbled.
"I know, little Muffin, I know, I just..." she felt a pain in her chest as she knew she was going to cry.
"I just don't know what went wrong..."
Then she heard voices.
"I am sorry but the Countess is not expecting guests. We are, at present, preparing for the Grand Galloping Gala this evening"
She recognised the reedy voice of one of the servants followed by a mare's voice she didn't recognise, effete and with an air of an accent about it.
"Well, I'm sorry too but I have my invitation here and I simply must prepare my friend for the aforementioned Gala and I am running out of time, so to speak, so please let me check on her"
"I do not believe Madams Monocular and Binocular have ever mentioned you in passing"
"No, no, it's the niece of the family that invited me. Miss Derpy Doo"
"There is no such mare on the premises, madam"
"Course there is, she just moved in, the letter from Minuette Colgate mentions her by name. Young grey pegasus with amber eyes"
"Misaligned amber eyes?"
"That's not excessively relevant but yes, now are you going to let me in or not?"
"I am sorry, she is not receiving guests nor is permitted to do so, now would you please..."
Gingerly, Derpy opened the door and entered the main hall. The doorstallion was in the midst of some argument with a glamorous white-coated, blue-eyed unicorn mare with long eyelashes and a luxurious purple mane, massive bags of textiles and accessories hovering beside her.
She couldn't have been older than fifteen but she looked incredibly bright.
Upon seeing her, the mare's eyes brightened.
"Derpy Doo?"
"Me...yes"
The mare gave a whinny of joy.


"Hello, darling, it's such a pleasure to design for you. I'm Rarity, proprietor of Ponyville's Carousel Boutique. You may not have heard of us, we're still fairly new to the industry but your friend, Colgate, recommended me specially to design a dress for your gala visit this evening and I've been looking for a chance to visit Canterlot for ages so thank you tremendously for this honour. Now, we haven't got long before-GOODNESS GRACIOUS, DARLING, you look an utter calamity! Where did you come from, a laundry room?!"
"Uh..." Derpy scratched the back of her head and pushed a trail of her wet mane out of her face "...yeah"
"Oh...apologies" Rarity glanced around "Well now, this may take nearly all of my expertise to perfect"
"I'm sorry" Derpy mumbled.
"No, no, dear, that wasn't a rebuke. Trust me, by the time I'm finished you'll look as pretty as a palace portrait and twice as shiny. Let's go upstairs, darling, we'll need mirrors and a stool" she threw a curt nod to the doorman "Thank you, my good stallion, I'll find my own way around. I'd like to say you've been very helpful...but I'd be lying"
The seamstress followed Derpy up to her bedroom and, once inside, surveyed the meagre scene, a room little better than a solitary servant's quarter.
"Oh dear" she mused aloud "Don't you have any larger mirrors, darling?"
"I'm sorry, I'm not allowed in any of the other rooms"
"Quite alright, I suppose we'll have to make do. Hold still please" And with that she levitated some tape measures and fabric samples and began her work.
"Let's see, you're of fairly average size, that'll save some time. Your mane might look nice with bands or bonnets, not so sure about the tail, might need something more elaborate. I think...turquoise, yes...that would go nicely with your coat. Maybe some brazen thread to join the layers and perhaps...ah!" She marvelled at Derpy's bubble cutie mark and began exclaiming in giddy glee "Yes, yes! Pearls! Wonderful! A brace of clear pearls to line the hooves, neck and forehead! Fabulous! Now where did I put them?"
Placing down the massive bags she was carrying, she produced a large tub of pearls, each as big as her irises, and a length of thread. As she carefully began threading the pearls through to make a brace, she caught sight of Dinky trying to play around with the dangling pearls like a kitten.
"Why hello, little cherub" she cooed, her sapphire eyes twinkling in wonder "I'm so sorry, I got so caught up I didn't see you there. I think we can make something for you too, don't you worry" The white mare turned back to Derpy "She's simply adorable. Your sister?"
"N-no, my...my daughter"
"Oh" Rarity looked surprised for a moment but swiftly readopted her adoring gaze "Well you should be very proud, you have a beautiful young filly"
"Thanks...Miss Rarity"
"Now keep still for a moment, dear. This shouldn't take too long and if we're quick, we'll be able to fix your little foal up with something suitable as well" She chuckled, lost in her inspiration.
"Oh yes, in the words of a certain summerwing godmother...you Shall go to the Gala"


*


Sugarcoat, a trim, bespectacled, young mare with a silver coat and a flowing white mane tied up in two enormous ponytails, stood at the doorway of the ball, checking off names on the register as the guests began to arrive. A trivial errand and hardly worth her time but she'd volunteered to help out and this was the task assigned to her by her princess and teacher.
One had certain responsibilities when one was privileged enough to attend the most prestigious university in Equestria and certain sacrifices as well.
She was getting to know Canterlot's leading citizens better than she'd like to. The guest list had a habit of puffing up their guests to the level of royalty whether they deserved it or not, listing family names, titles, households and even ancestors. Sunset Shimmer had suggested either getting rid of the practice or applying it to all guests, whatever their standing. This hadn’t gone down well with the nobles but neither did anything Sunset Shimmer had ever said or done.
"Mr Filthy and Mrs Spoilt of the Rich family with one daughter, Miss Diamond Tiara" The rugged stallion was, at least, courteous enough to thank her and wish her a good night as the mare and filly passed by without even acknowledging her.
"The Marquis Jet Set and Marchioness Upper Crust of the Du Pompé household" Two snooty ponies strutted past her, their noses so high in the air one would think they were watching for shooting stars.
"The Emissaries from Saddle Arabia, Haakim Bey and Amira of the line of Ibn Faris" The two tall, exotic horses bowed, greeted her in a foreign tongue and entered in a relatively humble manner.
"Name please?" She'd said that without up from her register.
"Sugarcoat!"
"No, that would be mine and if you're trying to be funny, you're sorely-Fleur?" she started, staring at her old friend, Fleur de Lis, who she knew as the head filly at the School For Gifted Unicorns and Student Rep at the Preparatory College. She was smiling ecstatically, accompanied by a well-dressed blue-maned stallion she was positively clinging to tenderly. Behind them were a trio of simpering ponies dressed up like a bunch of peacocks.
"It's so wonderful to see you again! I hear you passed your semester with flying colours!" the slim mare tittered.
"Well..." Sugarcoat shrugged "I passed anyway. So how's model life treating you?"
"To be honest, dear, it's leaving me rather exhausted. But a career's a career, one I worked hard for. You look lovely by the way"
"Thanks but we may have to talk another time, I'll need your names"


"By all means, madam" It was the moustachioed stallion who spoke "Fancy Pants, I believe you'll find my name and that of Fleur on the VIP list, I shan't bore you with all my titles. And these three behind me are the Art Curator Silver Frames of the De Jalousie family, Auctioneer Golden Gavel of Lotthammer Hall and the Architect of the Royal Botanical Gardens, Swan Song of the Cygnetta household"
"Quite" Silver Frames agreed.
"Indeed" Golden Gavel concurred.
"Rather" Swan Song coincided.
"Thank you, sir. I'll check them off"
"I must say, I quite agree with dear Fleur's opinion, young...Sugarcoat, was it? That suit does look jolly good on you" He was eying the white suit with the black straps and bowtie that Sugarcoat often wore to social gatherings.
"Thank you, sir" she felt a little embarrassed, uncommon for her "I've always preferred suits over skirts. I got picked on for it a while back but Fleur always told me to just wear what I felt fit me. I'm glad you like it"
"I do indeed. And the bowtie is quite a nice accessory, wouldn't you fellows agree?"
"Dashing"
"Charming"
"Beguiling"
"There you are. Wear it with pride, young mare, and it'll fit you to a tee"
"Thank you very much, Mister Fancy Pants. We hope you enjoy the gala" Sugarcoat was strangely elated at how nice it was to meet her old friend and be treated so graciously by the venerable stallion before her. Maybe her night wouldn't be so bad after all.


A carriage came to a screeching halt as the Glass family emerged and proceeded to strut up the steps of the royal palace. The matriarch was cold and mean-looking and brandished a crop, twirling it round her hoof in an imposing manner, while the fish-faced young mares behind her were preening over themselves, following their mother's every action.
"Countess Magnifying Glass of Invitro Hall with two daughters, Monocular and Binocular and..." She looked up "One niece, Irregular?"
The three mares stood before her, unsmiling.
"One niece, Irregular?" Sugarcoat repeated meaningfully.
"Is her name on the list?" the Countess asked sternly.
"I'm not at liberty to say, ma'am"
"Don't talk nonsense, filly, is her name on the lists? Tell me"
"Well...yes, but-"
"There has been an administrative error. Irregular was not invited and is not, under any circumstances to attend this evening's event"
"Oh...well...I'll need to speak with-"
"No, give me that list, the pen too" She didn't wait for an answer, she simply snatched the clipboard and pen from Sugarcoat with a flash of carmine magic found her niece's name and scrawled it out from view with the marker and threw the board and pen back.
"Right. That takes care of things. Now hurry up and check our names off the roster and look snappy about it" And they poured in, the daughters throwing her smug sneers.
Sugarcoat took back everything she'd been thinking before she'd met those particular ponies.
She only felt bad for whomever 'Irregular' was.


*


"I have to say, darling, I'm positively green with envy! And I tell you now, green looks awful on me" the fussy but gracious seamstress chattered away as she sowed and wove her way around Derpy's dress with such grace, one might think it a dance.
"Er...sorry"
"No, no, it's not your fault, dear" she laughed as she expertly threaded pearls with her magic "I'm just utterly bowled over by the fact that Princess Celestia herself invited you to the Gala! It's very generous of her to give tickets to us simple working ponies. Perhaps my chance may yet come one day" She gave an excited squeal "Ooh, it would just be fabulous. I would treasure the memory forever!"
"I see..."
“Now turn this way for a moment, I’m applying some makeup. Not too excessive, we don’t want to hide you from view” She patted Derpy’s face with a sponge dipped in a cold white cream, looking worriedly at her cheeks.
“Goodness, darling. Where did you get these bruises?”
“Uh...I um...” Derpy mumbled to the kindly seamstress.
‘Remember. You can’t tell anypony or they’ll get hurt because of you’
“I...I deserved it”
“Deserved it?!” Rarity drew back incredulously “Young mare, nopony ever deserves to be bruised unless they’ve bruised somepony else and even then that’s pushing it. If someone’s hurting you, you should tell somepony, immediately. In the meantime, I think a little dash of blush will cover up the marks quite nicely”
Derpy blinked and thought back two weeks ago to when she'd opened that shiny letter with the royal seal, horrified that she might be in some awful kind of trouble. Then reading that she and her foal were welcome to join her friend the Doctor, who was visiting various acquaintances at the event, and that she'd dearly love to see the how foal she'd witnessed birthed that fateful night was growing and to personally thank Derpy for all her hard work this year. She'd nearly fainted on the spot. She hadn't seen the Princess in person since she gave birth to Derpy yet now the ruler of all Equestria was asking her to join her at, what she assumed, was an incredibly important event.
It had been Colgate and Lyra who slipped her the letter through the only barred window in her room. They’d pressed her to tell them what her aunt was doing to her and how they could get her out but Derpy had shooed them away before things could get worse.
It had also been Colgate who requested Rarity make her a dress.
She’d need to remind herself to thank Colgate personally. A muffin basket of gratitude would be in order, low-sugar of course.
For fear of her aunt's reaction, Derpy hadn't told anyone in Invitro Hall she had been invited to the gala or that she was going.
Still, Derpy exercised the idea of how her aunt and cousin would react when she walked up to Princess Celestia in her soon-to-be finished dress and was congratulated personally for her service to Ponyville.
That would show them all.


When they were finished, Derpy soon discovered that her aunt and cousins had already departed for the Gala. She was both disappointed and relieved, not knowing how they'd react. She stood before a couple of stunned servants, carefully making her way down the stairs as her shimmering turquoise and bronze dress nearly stood up on its own. She'd had her makeup done and her mane fashioned into a curly tumble over the side of her shoulders. In a wide mirror above her parent's portrait, she looked at the end result.
She stared at it for several moments. She couldn't remember the last time she looked so beautiful.
"Hee" Dinky giggled, tucked in a sling across Derpy's chest that Rarity had insisted she make as beautiful as the rest of her garb, adorning it with pearls and golden thread. Dinky had been fitted in a little teal skirt decorated with little bands, bows and baubles that she was finding no end in playing with.
"Ah...yes, quite an acceptable piece, I think, though I do rather say it myself. I think I shall call it 'Moonlight Reflected on the Sea Foam'"
Rarity emerged from behind Derpy, admiring her work "What do you think, dear? Be as honest as you like...as long as it isn’t negative or critical in any way"
"I...I..." Tears began to form at the corners of her misaligned eyes.
"Careful, dear, you don't want to ruin your make-up-Oomph!" Rarity found Derpy's hoof throw itself around her shoulder and hugged her tight by the neck, nuzzling it in a friendly fashion.
"Or rumple the silk..." she added, returning the hug daintily.
"Thank you" the gray pegasus' voice cracked "Thank you Miss Rarity, it looks amazing..."
Above them, Derpy could have sworn that the images of her parents seemed to smile brighter than ever.
"No trouble at all, darlings" Rarity checked the ornate clock above the manor doorway "But you'll want to hurry if you want to get to the gala in time"
"Uh...oh, yeah" Derpy made for the door then suddenly stopped, trembling in her hooves.
"They left without me..." she mumbled "I don't...I don't know the way"
"Oh darling, I'm sorry. I...I wish I knew. I don't know if anyone-"
"Halloo? Anypony home?" A voice outside trilled and the servants opened the door to two of Derpy's Canterlot-born friends, Colgate and Pepperdance, both wearing dazzling sets of apparel designed by Rarity.
"W-wow, girls..." Derpy gasped, twiddling her hooves nervously "Um...are we gonna' be late?"
"Not if we're quick" Colgate, the ever-friendly trainee dentist, said cheerfully "We came round to pick you up"
"We saw your aunt and cousins in a carriage to the gala and figured they'd left without you, which meant we were clear to go" Pepperdance, the frisky Cabaleran dancer, added "You look great by the way, Derpy, muy bueno as my folks say"
"Yeah, told you Rarity could fix you up something good. She did with us, look"
Colgate wore a periwinkle-blue embroidered dress with a gleaming ultramarine corset and navy metal hoofbands, all decorated with drop-shaped sapphires while Pepperdance wore a daring pink and purple chemise above a crimson, plum and black ruffled skirt and high black tights embellished with ruby crescents fastened by tiny emeralds. Both looked absolutely magnificent.
"Oh you're too kind" Rarity trilled casually "I'm just happy to have the chance to visit this wonderful city and breathe in the culture a little. Ponyville's nice and all but one gets so starved of true refinement. Well, I'd best be on my way, I'm staying at the Squire Court Hotel. Tell me how it all goes. Ta-ta!" And with that she trotted merrily away.
"So...girls..." Derpy felt herself growing more and more nervous "Um...are we going to the gala now?"
"Ready when you are, hermana!" Pepperdance smiled and eyed the little foal slung over Derpy's chest "And I see little Dinky looks ready, don't you little chica, chic-chic-chic-chic!" She nuzzled the smiling filly.
Dinky’s little tummy shook with giggles.
"I didn't know Rarity could work foal-size. She's full of surprises, that mare" Colgate chuckled and nudged the timid grey pegasus.
"Well, let's not keep the crowd waiting. Saddle up everypony, to the Grand Galloping Gala we go!"


*


"Hi Sugarcoat!" Colgate called out to her friend "Lovin' the suit! How's everything going?"
"The gala is slowly filling up with preening, pompous, inbred whiners I'd dearly enjoy pulverising, thanks for asking" the silver mare muttered "Still, I'm glad to see another friendly face. Hello, Pepper"
"Hola hermana! Great to see you too! Anypony else we know arrived yet?"
Sugarcoat shrugged.
"Well, Sunset Shimmer, as you'd expect. Lyra, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts are waiting for you, so's your cousin Cayenne. Flash has just come off duty with Shining and a few Wonderbolts. Oh, and Fleur de Lis arrived with her new colt-toy"
"Sweet!" Colgate chuckled "Any sign of Twilight and Moondancer?"
"No, sorry"
Pepperdance sighed.
"Can't say I'm totally surprised. Demasiado, at least we tried. Let's just try to have some fun"
"Good luck" Sugarcoat snorted and checked the roster "Minuette Colgate of the van Tancrems and Pepperdance del Papricana" She checked the list then noticed Derpy behind them.
"And this is...?"
"This is Derpy. Remember? We mentioned her once or twice. She's here for the Gala too"
Sugarcoat's face twisted with concern.
"Would you be..."
"Irregular Glass...if you'd like to call me that..." Derpy smiled, the filly in her sling giving a small wave.
Sugarcoat winced and braced herself to lose several friends.
"I'm very sorry, Miss Irregular" she said "but your name was removed from the list"


"What?!" Colgate and Pepperdance exclaimed at once.
"Girls, please believe me, I had nothing to do with it"
"It was her puke-bag of an aunt, wasn't it!" Colgate stamped her hoof on the ground "We can't let her do this to Derpy!"
"C'mon, Sugar, can't you let her in?" Pepperdance pleaded "We've been planning this for months!"
"Look, I'm sorry, really I am, but if I let her in, I could get in serious trouble and so could Celestia. I wish I could, honestly"
"Please, Sugar, get the Princess up here, we need to..." Colgate stopped as she turned to Derpy, who sat on the ground, her head down, quietly weeping and clutching a confused Dinky like she the last thing in the world that could comfort her.
"I blew it..." she whimpered "I knew they wouldn't want me...I shouldn't have come here at all...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry"
"Oh Derpy no, this isn't your fault" Colgate and Pepperdance saw fit to comfort their friend as Sugarcoat turned her head away, feeling absolutely wretched.
"Ahem" a stallion's voice behind her jerked her eyes open "Check Page 10"
"Er..." Sugarcoat didn't look at the stallion, only checked her roster "I don't believe there is a page-"
She was aware, for about a split second, of a wallet opening and piece of paper with waved lines being placed in front of her, over her clipboard...then, sure enough, page 10 clearly bearing two names.
"Page 10, Derpy of the Doo family and one daughter, Dinky, VIP's. Ah!" her face brightened up "Thank you, mister..."
"VIP" a brown stallion in a top hat and bowtie trotted forward "Just call me Doctor. Love the bowtie. Bowties are cool"
Upon seeing him, Derpy gasped and a smile emerged on her face as bright as Luna's moon and nearly leapt to her feet.
"Doctor!"
"Hello old filly" He took her hoof "Coming? It's getting pretty boring at the gala. Never have I wanted an unexpected monster attack this badly in my life! I'd love to be with you tonight, Dinky too"
The foal gave a merry squeak and waved her hooves at the Doctor.
"Da-tah!"
Derpy gasped at her foal’s early bloom in communication skills.
The Doctor chuckled almost nervously.
"Yes yes, that's right, Dinky. Doctor. Well, come on, you two, the gala could use some eyes that don't look down on you all the time"
"Heh...okay..." Derpy picked herself up, brushed off her dress and edged closer to her faithful protector.
"Are you here to tell the Princess?" She whispered, worry apparent in her voice.
"No, Derpy" he replied "I'm not here to do anything you don't want. So I'm not here to tell the Princess anything you don't want her to know. But I am here to get you back home. Because I know that's what you really want"
The muddle-headed mailmare gently gave her scruffy ageless friend a kiss on the cheek.
"Thank you" It was all she could do not to cry with joy.
"Thanks Sugarcoat" Colgate sighed in relief "You sure you won't get in trouble?"
"Not really, but if I do, quite honestly, it's worth it"
"Gracias Hermana, you are awesome, girl!" Pepperdance hugged her warmly.
Sugarcoat primly removed herself from the bubbly dancer's grip and straightened her suit but returned the smile.
"I owe that sweet flying klutz. If it weren't for her, I'd have never gotten my high school diploma before the deadline. Try to have some fun, okay? Well, that should be all the guests marked off so I'm gonna' see if I can find something on the buffet larger than a grape"
And with that, the four best friends for life, the foal and the time-travelling stallion entered the Grand Galloping Gala.
> Chapter 2
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Derpy had rarely got to see Princess Celestia in person. Only at the Summer Sun Celebration did she appear before Ponyville and even then, she looked distant. Yet here, at the Gala, the ruler of Equestria and guardian of the sun entered from the stairs regally, accompanied by an orange unicorn with a red and yellow mane wearing a black dress embroidered with a very real-looking flame motif and a set of lace phoenix wings. Celestia herself wore her pink and purple gown with the sun motif and her famous crown.
She spoke, her voice bringing a soothing sensation to those present.
"Welcome, everypony, and thank you all for coming to this very special night. It heartens me to see you all here tonight at the Grand Galloping Gala, where we celebrate the Founding of Equestria and the Birth of Harmony among ponies"
There was a modest round of applause.
"Now please, make yourselves welcome among the festivities. On behalf of all of Canterlot, I hope you enjoy the Gala and may the blessings of the founders be showered upon you all"
Derpy was quite shocked at how quickly the majority of the guests seemed content to move on from their own Princess's royal greeting. In Ponyville, such a speech would likely be treated to maybe six or seven rounds of applause and ponies of all ages and professions shoving for the privilege of speaking to her.
She supposed things were different in Canterlot.
The Princess waved for two schoolmates, Colgate and Lyra, who stepped up in their dresses and greeted Princess Celestia as the rest of the guests conversed among each other.
“Minuette Colgate and Lyra Heartstrings, my dear students” Derpy was just able to hear them “I understand you wish to speak to me personally”
“Yes, Princess Celestia” they answered “We do”


A pretty, sophisticated dark-grey pony stepped up on stage and began leading the orchestra with a round of cello pieces that nopony seemed to pay too close attention too.
Feeling the pangs of hunger after so much time spent getting ready and poorly fed by her aunt, Derpy headed first to the hors d'oeuvres. It was an extensive but pretentious ensemble of foodstuffs, tiny samples of dishes laid out like they were precious antiques. Eating them felt like she was ruining somepony's art exhibition but she did so anyway, positively shovelling them into her mouth.
Beside her, a gaudy middle-aged couple turned their noses up at her disdainfully.
"Good grief. Just look at that simpleton's utter lack of conduct! Simply frightful!" the mare sneered "Don't say the Princess has dragged another Ponyville ragamuffin to a place of nobility!"
"Honestly, last time it was that doddery old mayor, the time before that it was those bumpkin apple-farmers" the stallion scoffed "Is nothing safe from the grubby hooves of the commoners anymore?"
Derpy felt the need to edge away from the couple's disdainful gaze. She stopped beside a solitary white stallion with a blonde mane and a rose in his jacket. She smiled at him.
"Hi"
The stallion turned half his gaze to her and tilted his head as if he were looking at something dragged out of the trash.
"Good evening" he said mirthlessly.
"Nice gala, huh? I'm Derpy"
"I'll bet you are" The look he was giving her was making her feel less and less confident.
"Uh...um...I like your suit...I've never seen anything quite like it...it's my first time at the Grand Galloping Gala"
"That doesn't surprise me"
"Um...this dress I'm wearing, my friend, well...a friend of my friend...made it specially...I'm sure she could..."
The stallion held up a hoof dismissively.
"Yes, yes, I don't mean to cut you off but you're boring me to death" he snapped "If you really want to make yourself useful, trot over there and bring me a glass of claret"
"Er...I'm sorry..." Derpy looked around, downcast "Wh...where do I find the claret? I don't..."
"Never mind, even relaying you instructions is giving me a headache" And he walked off before whispering into the ear of the rich couple from earlier.
"Somepony get her a join-the-dots book. That'll keep her quiet" That made them all snigger sardonically.
Suddenly Derpy didn't feel all that different from how she felt at Invitro Hall.
"You alright, love?" The Doctor appeared at her side, holding out a hoof "Like to dance?"
Derpy pondered the thought, shrugged and placed Dinky upon a chair overlooking the dance floor.
"I won't be long, Dinky. Be good for momma, okay?"
"Mah!" Dinky nodded with a smile.


"So this is your first Grand Galloping Gala then?" the Doctor asked her casually as they carefully ambled their way around the dance floor in a way that they were trying to make look like dancing.
"Yeah...It's kinda' scary" Derpy mumbled "I don't know anypony here"
"Well I've kept an eye out. That yellow pegasus by the punch bowl is Captain Spitfire, she recently became head of the Wonderbolts"
Derpy noticed Spitfire, her coat and mane blazing glorious fiery tones, as she hovered in mid-air, regaling guests with tales of her exploits, complete with gestures, most of whom eyed her with expressions that asked each other 'Is She Ever Going To Shut Up?!'.
"And the stallion right there with the perm is Hoity Toity, the fashion critic...and that looks like the photographer, Photo Finish next to him" On a luxurious settee, a flamboyant stallion and a scary-looking mare, both of them possessed of glasses that hid their discerning eyes, surveyed the scene, throwing glances of approval or disapproval at the guests and their apparel. The two saw Derpy and the dress she wore, tilted their heads, looked to each other and shrugged.
"Adequate" she heard the mare say “Not true excellence but very adequate nonezeless. Very impulsive. Quite impressive for rush vork"
"The work itself is quite passionate" the stallion replied "Lack of time and resources might have led to it being so scarce in allure"
Derpy turned away from their patronising gaze as the Doctor continued identifying the crowd.
"Oh and look, that wrinkly stallion over there in the military uniform is Rear-Admiral Gaylord-Codpiece Von Tinkeltrauser"
"Why does he look angry all the time?"
"Well you'd look angry all the time if you were called Rear-Admiral Gaylord-Codpiece Von Tinkeltrauser, wouldn't you?"
"Heehee...yeah, I guess so" Derpy giggled "Are there any...nice ponies around here?"
"Meh...there's a few. In fact if we're lucky-"


"Ah, there you are, Doctor, old chap! We've been looking all over for you!"
The Doctor and Derpy spun round to be hailed by a dapper white stallion with a blue moustache and a monocle. A beautiful alabaster unicorn mare, dressed in a stunning trailing pink-and-yellow dress with her primrose mane adorned with silk roses and lilies, was draping herself over his shoulder in an alluring pose. Three lavishly-dressed nobleponies trotting up behind both of them.
"Speak his name and he shalt appear..." the Doctor chuckled before greeting the stallion warmly "Fancy, you fantastic old dude! Lovin' the bowtie, as usual! I was hoping you'd come this year!"
"Oh indeed, Doctor, once I heard you were coming I knew I simply must catch up with you. And beside you is Derpy Doo, the diligent mailmare and actress. Why, this is a delightful surprise"
"Um..." Derpy made a startlingly convincing impression of Rainbow Dash’s famously timid pegasus friend, Fluttershy "Thank you, sir...I’m glad to see you again"
"The pleasure is all mine, dear girl. Your friend the Doctor is a jolly decent chum of mine. This mare beside me, you remember, is Fleur de Lis, a budding supermodel, and this is Swan Song, Golden Gavel and Silver Frames, good friends and benefactors all. This, ladies and gentlecolts, is Derpy Doo, one of the most diligent, hardworking and altogether friendly fillies I have ever had the esteemed pleasure to know"


The three gaudy ponies each clasped Derpy's hoof and shook with vigour.
"Truly delighted to meet you, Miss Doo" Swan Song preened.
"Simply ecstatic to see you, Miss Doo" Golden Gavel simpered.
"Positively thrilled to know you, Miss Doo" Silver Frames fawned.
They were a little too enthusiastic for her liking.
"It's very nice to meet you all, everypony”
“Likewise, dear filly. Forgive my prying but I thought you were living in Ponyville”
“Uh...yeah...I’m here with the Doctor” She leaned closer to him, feeling protected in his presence “He’s a real good friend”
Fancy Pants nodded.
"I do not doubt it. I'm afraid I don't get to visit Ponyville too often, much as I'd like to. Pressing duties in Canterlot most of the time"
"Mister Fancy Pants is Chairstallion of the Royal Council, you see" Swan Song pointed out.
"And the most important pony in the Capital, don't you know" Golden Gavel added.
"Very little happens in Canterlot without his approval, truly" Silver Frames concurred.
"Now, now, I wouldn't go that far" the blue-maned gentlecolt interjected "Regardless, I do my part for society, just as you do, young Derpy. Though I would enjoy a visit to jolly old Ponyville one of these days. I remember visiting Sweet Apple Acres once with my dear parents, best apple pies I've ever tasted and I dare anypony to prove otherwise. And..." His face fell to a serious expression and his eyes darted left and right “How is your aunt?”
“My aunt?” Derpy’s mind wandered.
“Countess Magnifying, I mean”
“Oh...” She had hoped to avoid talking about her and was grateful she hadn’t seen her “She’s...fine”
His entourage huddled and began whispering among each other.
"Magnifying Glass of the line of Wyndergarde? The Lords and Ladies of Invitro Manor? What's her niece doing in Ponyville?"
"She's too pale to be General Shot's kin and too thin to be Princess Hour's. Perhaps she comes from Sir Fiber's lot"
"And her name, surely it wouldn't come from any of the main branch, you know what they're all like, too pretentious by half"
Fancy Pants meaningfully cleared his throat and the three snapped to attention.
"I...I just stay with her when I'm in Canterlot" Derpy mumbled "We...we're not that close"
Fancy Pants nodded with a look that seemed relieved.
Fleur de Lis meanwhile gazed intently at Derpy's dress.


"Darling, I'm interested to know where you got that dress?" she asked keenly.
"Uh...yeah" Derpy blushed "My friend made it specially for me...she's a seamstress in Ponyville...I think it looks pretty good"
"Pretty good?" she exclaimed, a lilting laughter escaping from her lips "Oh my treasure, it looks simply gorgeous on you! Something about it just looks so natural and well-fitting. Take good care of it, dear, it suits you wonderfully” 
The notion of this supermodel gushing over her was too much for Derpy and she broke into a bout of nervous giggles, ended by a hiccup.
She glanced around, certain she'd committed a social faux-pas in front of the Doctor's friends.
Instead, the alabaster mare emitted a light 'squee' of joy and hopped about on her stunning long legs.
"She's so adorable!" she squeaked "It's just like that fluffy thing that played with my mane last month! I would love to get to know you better, dear. But please don't play with my mane, it takes hours to get it ready in the mornings"
"Steady the buffs there, Fleur darling" Fancy Pants chuckled "Though I must agree. Your seamstress has outdone herself. I must visit Ponyville more often. It makes such a nice change of atmosphere"
"Don't I know it" the Doctor shrugged.
Derpy wiped her eyes and turned to the slim unicorn.
“Thank you...yours is nice too”
“Oh, this one I'm wearing here?” Fleur asked, as if only just noticing it “Glad you like it. Apparently it’s a two-thousand bit designer’s item from a private Manehattan collection, won at auction and kept behind a crystal cabinet when not in use. Fancy got it for me when he asked me to accompany him to the gala this evening" She blushed prominently.
The two stallions smiled at their female companions before conversing among each other.
"So, my dear chap, what, if I may be so bold as to ask, is your relationship with Ponyville's postal pioneer? Are you two, as it were, plus-ones?"
"Ah...you could say that, Fancy mate"


"Mah, ma-mah..." Dinky's call threatened to drown out the music as she shuffled over to her mother who scooped her up and checked her over.
"Oh my Muffin, are you okay? It's alright, little one, I'm right here"
Fleur's squeal of delight nearly matched Dinky's plaintive cry before.
"Celestia be praised, there's a mini-version!"
"Oh yeah" the Doctor gave Dinky a friendly poke on the tummy "Everyone, this is Dinky...Derpy's daughter"
The three members of Fancy Pant's entourage began to whisper among themselves.
"A daughter...at her age?"
"Most peculiar...does one suspect..."
"Well, one can't be certain..."
"Why hello there, young unicorn. Aren't you a charming little thing" Fancy Pants began to coo over the foal, talking over his entourage's gossiping "She is absolutely beautiful, young Derpy, you should be very proud"
"Th-thanks Mister...Pants..."
Dinky began to giggle.
"Yes, that's his name, Dinky" Derpy told her "This is Mister Fancy Pants"
Dinky giggled again. The Doctor looked a little awkward.
“She says that’s a silly name”
The entourage all gave a long, overdrawn gasp and stood silent, hooves over their mouths. Derpy stared, biting her lip in worry. Then she closed her eyes tight.
Then it dawned on her that Fancy Pants was laughing.
"Yes..." he chortled in good humour "Yes, I suppose it is a bit of silly name. Still, it's my silly name and I'm very proud of it. After all, there's not much wrong with being a little silly from time to time"


"Is everything here currently alright?" Two very strange looking mares appeared, holding hooves “The little one seemed to lose you in the crowd and we thought we might bring her to her mother before she grew distressed”
The first mare was a pinto, her coat a patchwork of white and chestnut, her chocolate-brown mane tied up in a small bun, not quite the same way as Magnifying Glass’s was. She was wearing a very traditional-looking cream-coloured dress with a blue-grey waistcoat decorated with a white rose.
The second had to be a foreign pony, despite her almost flawless Equestrian accent. Most of her body was hidden behind a dark purple dress and veil. She was even wearing gloves and shoes. A black felt boa wrapped round her shoulders and held her veil in place. Her eyes were the most defining feature, bright yellow with a vertical, oval-shaped iris, staring at her from the shadows of the veil.
Even so, she seemed very friendly and Derpy, of all ponies, knew that one’s appearance meant little if they’re friendly.
"Oh, it's no trouble" Derpy said, smiling "I think little Dinky's found a friend"
"I am honoured" The veiled female stepped forward and extended a gloved hoof. He spoke without emphasis in a low, tranquil tone "I am Madam Coldblood, Equestrian Secret Service. Don’t go telling everypony"
"Oh wow" Derpy was taken aback. "That must have been exciting. And you?" she turned to the pinto mare, who smiled brightly.
"Spinning Jenny if you please" she answered.
Whoever they where and wherever they were from, they seemed extremely genial.
"You have a beautiful foal, Miss..." Spinning Jenny said, gesturing one hoof to ask for her name.
"Derpy Doo" she checked over her shoulder and brought over her friend "And this is my friend, the Doctor"
The Doctor and the two mares reacted to each other with surprise and some amount of concern.
"Hello ladies" the Doctor said nervously "Shall we talk a moment?"
"Yes please" Madam Coldblood said, somewhat serious.
"Great. Sorry, Derpy, gimme' a minute. Time and space business" he gave her a wink and a friendly peck on the cheek then took his two acquaintances down a quiet corridor.


"I should've expected to see you two here" the Doctor said out of sight to all but his addressees "I gotta' say, I've missed you"
Spinning Jenny checked to her sides and then nodded as Madam Coldblood removed her veil.
A head and neck lined with shimmering scales greeted the Doctor. Removing her gloves, Coldblood also revealed a set of claws upon where her hooves should have been. What passed for ears under the veil was actually a horn-like crest and her snout was flat, her mouth lined with rows of razor-sharp teeth.
Despite appearances, she wasn’t a draconequus or even a dracony.
Many years into the past, and even more years into the future, the race of ponies called her kind ‘Hipposaurs’. Her own kind knew themselves as Varans. Reptilian, subterranean cousins of the equine thought to have dominated Equestria long before the pegasus, unicorn or even the earth pony, the Doctor had prevented a war between the Varans and the Equestrians three times and stopped the genocide of their race. Coldblood had been one of the many he had saved and owed him a life-dept.
Spinning Jenny was the daughter of the Founder of Trottingham. She’d originally been forced to take part in the genocide at the whim of the crazed Archduke Natrix. Coldblood and Jenny had fought each other to a standstill, elected to help each other, escaped with the Doctor and fell in love.
They’d fought beside the Doctor on more than several occasions, though he hadn’t expected them to find him here. Usually it was he who found them, often to call in a favour.
“Blunderbuss isn’t here, is he?” The Doctor asked.
“Did the buffet table explode owing to the ice sculpture acting suspiciously?” Coldblood asked in turn.
The scruffy brown stallion glanced round.
“Nope”
“Then Blunderbuss is not here”
“Oh well, great to see you anyway” The Doctor held out his hooves. The two females were not smiling.
“Who is she, Doctor?”  Jenny asked without a shred of mirth.
The time-traveller rolled his eyes, took a deep breath and confessed.
“She’s my assistant...and the mother of my foal”


The ladies pinned him to the wall, exasperated beyond limit.
"What are you thinking?!" Coldblood hissed "Your presence here already puts all of Equestria in danger! And now you have a hatchling?!"
"I'm sorry, Coldblood" he sighed "It was a mistake, I know, but I've made up my mind. I can't leave Derpy, not again. It would break her heart"
They loosened their grip but remained frustrated.
"Doctor, I’m sorry to say this an’ all, but nice as she is, your old bird don’t take priority over Equestria and everything in it" Jenny said, her face grim "He's after you, Doctor, and he doesn't care who he has to go through to get to you"
"The Second Great Betrayal is almost upon us, Doctor. This we know" Coldblood declared "Celestia will hide herself once again, to dwell on her mistakes and bring another to her side. In her grief, the son of the Deceiver will reveal himself and march his armies all across Equestria"
"Look, I'm still working when I can"
"That ain’t the problem, sunshine" Jenny snapped "He’s gonna’ use you as a vessel if he finds you. Power over time and space, over reality itself, the entire bleedin’ history of Equestria to bend to his whim, is that a world you want to bring your foal up in? And that’s if it’s you he finds first. What he’ll do if he finds your foal don’t bear thinkin’ about!”
“The blood of a Time Turner would make the perfect ingredient in his little recipe for disaster, Doctor. You’ve just given him another way to take control"
"I won’t give him that chance" the Doctor assured his old allies "If he comes here with his legions and his plans, I promise you, he’ll go the same way as his father did” He held up his hooves “One way or another, I am not making Derpy give up our foal. Now you might think I’m just being stupid and maybe I am but when have I ever let you down?"
They paused. It had been many years since the last Invisible War in Equestria. The Doctor had fought in each one. And he was always among the few survivors. On a normal day, the Doctor could be counted on, but if he was choosing to stay in Equestria, in this time period, things were much less certain.
"You were there, Doctor" Coldblood said "You were there when Laurelore the Firsticorn slew Marephistallion at the Battle of Faceless Rock. And you were there when she gave up her powers to Star-Swirl and Scorpan in order to banish the Deceiver for good. The son was there too. There is nothing he will not do to destroy you, even if it means starting his invasion early. If that happens, we will not be ready. If the son inherits the powers of the father, Celestia will not be able to face him"
"Then we keep her out of this. Bring down his armies before they have a chance to march"
"That won't be easy. Their agents are already hidden among the cities strewn in the Vale of Doubt. We've encountered several already"
Jenny handed him a glowing tablet. On it were the names and profiles of the known enemy.
"Sounds like we've got our work cut out for us" The Doctor groaned.
He hated to do this to Derpy but he would need to take some time away from home.
But later. 
He still had a foal to care for.
“Doctor” Coldblood placed her claws on her shoulder. Both of them knew she understood. She and Jenny weren’t strangers to the concepts of love and family, else they never would have married. But they made it their duty to watch the Doctor across his travels and take care of him. Very few were privileged to that position.
She spoke earnestly, almost as if she were begging him.
“You cannot let her know”


Derpy was short on ponies to talk to. The Doctor was still talking with his friends, what about she had no clue. Fancy Pants and Fleur were speaking with the secretary, Miss Inkwell, from the garden party. Colgate and Pepperdance had disappeared earlier with Lyra but were now gossiping with two young unicorn mares called Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts. And with Dinky dozing off in her sling, Derpy was standing at the edge of the party, looking for conversation.
She'd enjoyed the dance. It had been slow and simple, not like the jig at the Sweet Apple Acres that left her tripping over her own hooves. She edged over to the elegant long-maned grey pony who was beginning another piece upon her cello.
"Hi"
The cellist didn't turn away from the sheet-music but she glanced at Derpy out the corner of her violet eyes.
"Hello madam" her voice was quiet and possessed a similar accent to Fancy Pants.
"That was really nice music"
"Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it" She was blunt but, unlike the blonde stallion from before, very polite.
"Do you often play at the Gala? I wouldn't know...this is my first time"
"I often do. Listen..." she prevented Derpy from continuing "You're very kind but I rather need to focus right now. If you like, I could talk to you after this next piece"
Nodding apologetically, Derpy looked elsewhere for company.
At the buffet table, a magenta filly in a silver tiara was yelling at one of the catering staff.
"Ugh! Aperitif, you idiot! I didn't order Honeycomb Muffin! I ordered Honeycomb Tiffin! Our Randolph would never get that wrong!"
Derpy was stunned. The filly couldn’t have been more than seven but she seemed like such a spoilt and ungrateful foal.
She swore she'd never let Dinky turn out like that.
Repulsed, she turned away and found two bizarre ponies who she knew to be Screwloose and Screwball. Whenever she would have one of her 'episodes' a few years ago, she shivered at the memory, she would find those two at the Ponyville Infirmary though she still had no idea whether they worked there or were treated there. Perhaps both.
They were sitting facing each other, calmly sipping tea, and contemplating pony thought, paying no mind to the world around them.
"Well, what I try to do..." Screwball began "...is actually think outside the box"
"Ha! You would..." Screwloose scoffed "What I like to do is to turn the box inside out, re-enter the box and begin thinking again"
"...Right" Screwball said after a pause "Yes...well...actually I, erm...I tend to deconstruct the box, break down its boundaries and then rebuild it as a ball! And then use this ball to bounce off other boxes and other ideas, yes!"
"How...obvious!" Screwloose snapped "What I like to do is to open my mind to the box, let the box fill with my dreams and then sit inside it and let them flow around me!"
"No, no, no" Screwball declared "Become the box!"
"No!" Screwloose proclaimed "Destroy the box!"
"Oh you fool" Screwball sighed "There is no box! There is only...a boat, with me as the captain, floating on a sea of ideas!"
"There is not a boat, there is a rocket, with me as the captain!" Screwloose's eyes began to widen as both mares began to blather frantically and hop around in revelation.
"Yes, yes, a rocket!"
"A rocket, flying through the outer reaches of the solar system!"
"Powered by ideas!"
"With...with huge wings!"
"And-and-and laser guns!"
"And...and COMFORTABLE CHAIRS! YES!"
The two jumped high in the air, grinning wildly, and yelled feverishly at the top of their lungs.
"A ROCKET! A ROCKET! A ROCKET!"
And, after a brief pause, they sat back in their chairs and sipped calmly from their teacups.
The grey pegasus slowly edged away from the manic duo.
It was ponies like those two that made Derpy feel relatively normal.


A few steps back and Derpy found herself bumping into another.
"Ooh sorry" she quickly spun round to apologise "Nice to meet you. I'm Derpy Doo. Are you enjoying the-"
"IRREGULAR!"
The young grey pegasus suddenly found herself frozen to the spot in fear as the terrifying figure of her aunt, Countess Magnifying Glass, bore down on her, crop shaking in her hoof, her eyes blazing with rage. Her daughters surrounded their cousin, blocking any escape.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!"
Everything went silent as everypony watched stock-still, transfixed by the spectacle taking place.
"She snuck into the gala, I knew she would!" Monocular shrieked.
"And look! She stole one of our dresses!" Binocular cried.
"No...nononono!" Derpy babbled, her voice growing quieter and quieter under her aunt's terrifying glare "It wasn't like that, I...I only-"
Crack!
In an instant, Derpy found herself sprawled out on the floor, cradling her cheek that had bore the brunt of the crop's ferocious lash. She saw tears pool on the floor beneath her and the pearls from her headband bounce and roll away.
There was something else.
Drops of something red.
"Mah!"
The wailing unicorn foal was the only pony daring to move, rushing over to her mother and trying desperately to nurse her injured face.
The Countess's eye twitched and the crop rose again.
"No!"
This time the crop cracked upon Derpy's outstretched wing. The Countess had always hated her wings and she hated them even more now. A couple of feathers flew through the air and it hurt to move the wing at all. Still she shielded her filly, the one thing in the world that always seemed to be there for her.
"You!" Magnifying Glass seized her niece by the mane with her magic and dragged her forcibly to the doors "Outside! Now! And leave that THING here!"


All eyes watched the sobbing pegasus struggle to get to her hooves as she was hauled out the doors, her lovely dress tearing as she flailed feebly and tiny drops of blood from her cheek speckling the floor.
The doors slammed shut and there was silence.
Then Dinky gave a drawn-out squeak that slowly began a wail of grief and fear as she curled up into a ball on the ground and desperately tried to hide herself in the torn fragments of her mother's dress.
"Oh Dinky!" Lyra instinctively picked the two foals up off the floor, set them down safely on the table and began to nuzzle the crying filly.
On the other side of the table, Prince Blueblood, Jet Set, Upper Crust and the Rich family conversed amongst themselves
"Well..." Blueblood said, rather flustered "That was one way to solve the problem, I suppose"
"Is that Ponyville pegasus actually related to Countess Magnifying Glass herself?" Jet Set asked incredulously.
"It's unbelievable" Upper Crust exclaimed "What could the Countess be thinking, associating her family with such an odd mare?"
"Well, good riddance!" Spoilt Rich sneered "I sincerely hope that dolt is taught a good lesson in knowing her place and how to keep it, stealing dresses and turning up where she isn't wanted!"
"She didn't have to...hit her..." the tiara-wearing filly looked the most concerned, struggling to comprehend what had happened.
"What was that, Diamond Tiara?" Spoilt Rich snapped.
"Nothing, mommy" The filly yelped.
"That poor filly" Filthy Rich sucked his teeth "She's in for a rough night if the Countess gets her way. She sure won't stop at beating her, that's a dead certain"
Lyra tried hard to blot the insults and rumours from her mind and that of Dinky's as she tried to sooth the sobbing little unicorn.
"Don't worry, Dinky" she cooed desperately "Momma's gonna' be fine"
"No, she won't!" Colgate stamped her hoof on the ground angrily and stormed towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Lemon Hearts asked.
"Where do you think?!" the blue unicorn screamed "Those stuck-up, curd-faced old nags hit Derpy! I'm gonna' ring their bucking necks!" 	Some of the crowd gasped at her language.
"Oh shut up" she sighed, irritated, before turning to the door.
"Colgate, no!" It took Sugarcoat, Twinkleshine, Lemon Hearts, Pepperdance and Fleur grabbing her by the shoulders to prevent Colgate getting her hooves on the Glasses "If you touch her, she's going to make life Tartarus for you and Derpy!"
"I've gotta' do something!" Colgate felt the urge to weep "She hit her with a crop! She hit our Derpy!"
"Where's the Doctor?" Pepperdance looked around feverishly "Someone find a brown stallion with a hat and bowtie!"
"We can't call out the Countess, it's only going to make things worse!" Twinkleshine insisted.
"But she's going to take everything from her!" Lyra wailed "She already tried before. Derpy's gonna' lose her job, her home, her foal..."
"Excuse me" The chaotic yelling-from-all-sides was cut off by a stallion stepping forward.
"If you would allow me..." Fancy Pants straightened his bowtie, a look of steely displeasure grafted to his face, and breathed deeply as if about to enter battle.
"I'd like a little talk with Countess Magnifying Glass"
> Chapter 3
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I understand you are confused, Doctor. I would be, were I in your position”
The Princess of the Equestrian Sun and the Stallion Who Stops The Monsters stood on the balcony, overlooking the vast expanses of Celestia’s domain.
“It’s not that I don’t want to tell her, and...I could, really” The Doctor struggled to get his words out “I just don’t know what that would lead to...and I hate not knowing. Half my friends tell me to tell her, the other half tell me not to tell her. And not just the halves of my friends, it’s...the halves of my life. My past says no, my future says yes, and my present says nothing...and Holy Horseapples was that metaphor corny as all curd! Look at me, I'm going strange already!”
Celestia chuckled quietly and padded his head.
“Doctor. Mistakes make us what we are. But that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be avoided, particularly when time and space are concerned” she smiled “I’m sure the time will come”
“But when will that be?” The stallion fell on his rump “Every day I remain quiet is another twenty-four hours Derpy doesn’t know who Dinky’s father is, twenty-four hours she convinces herself he’s run away from the life he started. To her, Dinky’s father was some horrible, faceless thug who took advantage of a drunken mare and left her alone to face the consequences”
“No Doctor” Celestia said sagely “When she discovers the truth, she will know only gladness. You did not leave her alone, Doctor. You were there as soon as you discovered you were to be a father, giving her help, advice, words of kindness and wisdom. You were there when she was born and have remained there ever since. You have more than earned the right to be Dinky’s father...and Derpy’s husband”
“I guess”
The Doctor had changed since she’d first met him. Far too often he got ahead of himself, grew arrogant, reckless, unable to face the consequences. Too used to running.
Now, it seemed, the only one who had a hard time believing he was a good pony was himself.
“Still...what about the danger I might put her in? What if something I made angry in the past, which, let’s be honest, I’m in no short supply of, comes after me...or after Derpy or Dinky?”
At this Celestia nuzzled his neck to soothe him.
“Then they’ll have to deal with a very angry Princess and an army of loyal friends who would never let a good pony down”
“...you’d do that?”
“It’s time you stopped trying to brave all the horrors of the universe by yourself, Doctor. You mean a lot to us. And so does Derpy. And so does Dinky...because basically...” she smiled “You’re fantastic”
“Thanks Tia” The scruffy brown stallion shared the Princess’s smile “I’ll make sure to-”
“Princess! Doctor! It’s Derpy!”
The two millenia-old friends spun round as a panicked Lyra Heartstrings standing at the head of the balcony stairway, breathing heavily.
“Lyra” Celestia said with concern “Whatever is the matter?”
“It’s Derpy...she’s run into her aunt...she’s hitting her!” She began to wail “She’s hitting Derpy!”
Alicorn Princess and Time-Travelling Stallion charged downstairs, bowling the frantic mint-green unicorn over on her back.
Such was their haste that they’d left a trail of dust down the stairway.
Lyra paused, staring blankly at the night sky as she took in what had taken place.
“Okay...” she said “Firstly...Ow...Secondly...Hays Yeah!”


*


"How dare you!" Derpy's aunt paced lividly around her, crop at the ready "How Dare you! You dare disobey my expressed instructions and intrude on your family's most significant social affairs?!"
"Hit her, mummy!" Monocular goaded.
"Beat her, mummy!" Binocular urged.
"Don't think I won't" The crop snapped round and lashed Derpy across the leg, bringing her to one knee as she gave out a plaintive cry.
"Please!" she sobbed "Don't...It hurts...I didn't do anything wrong..."
"The truth, instantly!" Magnifying snapped "Where did you get that dress?!"
"A-a-a friend made it for me"
"You are lying to me, imbecile! We know very well you have no friends! You stole it from your cousin's wardrobe, didn't you!"
"No...I..."
"Do not lie to me, filly!" The crop hit the other leg "You stole it...and you ripped it...and you lied about it!" Derpy was now sobbing on her front-knees, flanks in the air. Grinning at the opportunity, Monocular and Binocular stepped in and gave them a malicious kick until the grey pegasus was lying on her stomach, sobbing uncontrollably.
"Who else did you lie to?" The Countess continued her interrogation "Who did you speak to?! Whose time did you waste?!"
"I...I...please...I..."
"Stop blubbering and answer me!"
"I talked to...Sugarcoat...the mare at the door...she said she could let me in..."
"Well, that's one pony who'll no longer be welcome in Canterlot, who else?"
"My...my friends, Colgate...and Pepperdance...Lyra...Fleur de Lis...they...they picked me up..."
"Out on the streets! All of them! I will not have these impudent common fillies making fools of our family! Who else?"
"M...M-Mr...Mr Fancy Pants"
"What?"
"Mr Fancy Pants...he wears a monocle..."
The Countess gave a ballistic scream of rage as she lashed her crying niece dementedly around the ears, upon the back and anywhere else she could, flying into a frenzy as her daughters cheered her on, throwing in a kick here and there.
"YOU IDIOT!" she screeched at the top of her lungs "YOU WITLESS MORON! YOU GORMLESS FREAK! DON'T YOU REALISE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?! YOU HUMILIATED OUR FAMILY IN FRONT OF HIM! YOU MADE US LOOK WEAK! YOU ARE USELESS! YOU'RE FINISHED! DO YOU HEAR ME?! FINISHED! OH BY CELESTIA, ONCE I'M DONE WITH YOU, YOU'LL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN! YOU'LL SUFFER FOR THIS! YOU'LL-"
"That's! Quite! Enough!"
The Countess and her daughters stopped as a flash of golden magic enveloped her crop, wrenching it from her hoof and flinging away as Fancy Pants strode into view, scowling prominently. Behind him, three guards, a white unicorn and an orange pegasus, both with shocks of deep blue mane, and a yellow pegasus mare with a spiky flame-coloured mane, stood to attention, glaring daggers at the Countess, while several fuming mares watched with awe from the gala doorway.


Regaining their breath, the Countess and her daughters smartened themselves and humbly addressed the moustachioed gentlecolt.
"Mr Fancy Pants...I must apologise profusely on behalf of my family"
"Yes...yes you should" the stallion said sternly.
Magnifying winced, throwing a hateful look to her niece, who lay in the mud weeping behind her.
"I assure you, sir, this pegasus did not enter the gala at my wish. She is not an immediate relation to my household"
"I am very glad to hear it"
"Yes, well, I'm glad we..."
"For you understand, Madam Glass..." Fancy Pants cut her off "I would hate for your niece's fine reputation to be so horrifically and permanently scarred by your disgraceful behaviour this evening"
The Countess paused and her daughters glanced at each other uneasily.
"Other way round, you mean, surely" Magnifying suggested with a weak smile.
Fancy Pants glowered at this.
"I know exactly which way round I mean, Madam Glass!" he barked.
Derpy raised her head an inch and watched, transfixed, as the formidable and unquestioned image of her aunt, that she’d become so familiar to, began crumbling before her, leaving Countess Magnifying Glass looking smaller and far less in-control as she stood uncertainly before the furious stallion before her, her daughters doing much the same.
"M-m-mister Fancy-"
"Not another word!" The stallion strode forward, Monocular and Binocular needing no command to make way for him as he reached out to help the piteous grey pegasus to her hooves, battered, bleeding but mismatched eyes started to twinkle with hope.
"Are you alright, Miss Doo?"
Derpy looked at the stallion with her misaligned eyes, lips trembling, and weakly shook her head.
"I'm sorry, silly question. Those cuts and bruises look simply frightful. Shall I get you to the washroom, see if we can clean you up and dress your injuries"
"I...I don't know, I...I..." Derpy mumbled, barely intelligible "I...I need the Doctor"
"Yes, I agree. Don't worry, he should be-"
"Derpy!" The brown stallion emerged from the door and held out his hooves as Derpy fell, sobbing, into his forelegs.
"Oh my...Derpy I am so sorry, I..." He looked over the state of his beloved assistant then screamed at the Countess and her daughters.
"WHAT THE BLOODY HAY HAVE YOU DONE TO HER, YOU BAGS!"
They jumped back a fair few feet, shocked. The Countess turned to Fancy Pants, expecting some form of defence.
Instead, Fancy Pants nodded at his friend's comment.
"Well said, Doctor. Rest assured, I'll find out. Can I trust you to take poor Derpy to the washroom, see to her injuries and take her back to the gala?"
"Course you can, Fancy, always" He gave a nod, a vicious look to the Countess and her daughters and took his assistant inside. The mares departed with him but not before Fleur had let slip her own exclamation, one spotless hoof shaking in the air.
"Let 'em have it, darling!"


For a moment, there was quiet where the gentlecolt, countess and two heiresses stood in silence. Magnifying Glass gaped and gagged, scarcely believing what she’d just witnessed while Monocular and Binocular twiddled their front-hooves guiltily.
"Well?" Fancy Pants asked sternly, making the three mares jump again.
"Well..." the countess repeated anxiously.
"What have you got to say for yourselves?" the gentlecolt cleaned his monocle a moment and glowered at them.
"We...Mister Fancy Pants, I assure you-"
"Your assurance is the very thing I value least right now, Countess Glass!" he barked. His horn glowed gold and the riding crop levitated. 	Monocular and Binocular gave a terrified squeak and hid behind their mother's dress but Fancy Pants did little more than examine it, his tone dripping with loathing and disgust and a hint of confusion, a great deal of his faith in ponies shattered.
"Blood. There is blood on this crop" he murmured, horribly quiet "How dare you. Do you realise what you've done? To draw the blood of your own family in such a way...on this most celebrated of occasions..."
Magnifying Glass felt quite helpless. It was not a familiar feeling and she had very little idea of how to cope with it.
"She...does not learn any other way” she croaked “It...it was a means of...disciplining her"
"No. Taking her outside and giving her a stern talking-to, such as what I'm currently in the process of doing to you this very moment. That would be discipline. What I saw you do to your niece mere moments ago was pure brutality!"
"Forgive me, sir, let me explain, I only..."
"I will do no such thing!" he yelled, blue eyes blazing, bending the crop with his magic until it broke in two, his face twitching slightly "Countess Magnifying Glass, tonight you have tampered with the royal guest-list; interrupted Miss Octavia Melody's composition, physically assaulted a VIP, your own niece, with a blunt instrument; forcibly removed her from the room against her will; damaged her meticulously-made dress; frightened and insulted her filly; threatened her friends, including several scholars from the School For Gifted Unicorns, my dear Fleur among them; and repeatedly struck her, drawing blood on the royal grounds, all in the midst of a royal occasion. And you two!" He glared at Monocular and Binocular who began quaking in their hooves "You were both willing and eager accomplices in all that transpired! I would be well within my rights to have Captain Spitfire, Sergeant Shining Armour and Private Flash Sentry here clap you in irons, lock you up in the palace dungeons and throw the bally key away!"
"But it's not my fault!" Magnifying Glass blurted out instinctively "I told her she wasn't to come to the gala! She disobeyed me!"
"Countess Glass, your niece was invited here as a VIP by royal decree. An order from the Princess far outweighs an order from you, whatever you may believe to the contrary" Fancy Pants snapped "There is truly no end of good ponies you have disrespected today, Madam. Not least your most reputable parents and your dear sister who loved poor Derpy more than life itself. Your parents and your sister who I knew and admired very much in my youth. To see you, who I always knew had nothing but disdain for the rich gifts of harmony your sister had inherited, striking, threatening and insulting such a kind-hearted, hard-working and loving mare, who came here tonight solely to satisfy her friends, in spite of her fear of punishment from you and humiliation from others, a mare who's very dear to a close personal friend of mine, along with her precious child...well..." He took a deep breath and readjusted his bowtie as his magic caused the broken crop to catch fire in mid-air.
"It leads me to wish dreadful things upon anypony who would dare act so monstrously"


The Countess and her daughters looked and felt very small, as if they were afraid the stallions' hoof would rise high up and crush them all in a single stomp.
"However..." Fancy Pants continued in a more moderated tone as the remains of the crop slowly flew away in smouldering ashes "Since tonight marks the foundation of our beloved Equestria and the birth of its high ideals of harmony and love, I am electing to be merciful"
"Oh...oh thank you..." the Countess and her daughters indulged in some heavy sighing "So...you forgive us?"
"Oh no. Absolutely not" His severe tone returned and caused the three mares to cower once again "I fear that you shall never have. Not after what you've done. Let me clarify. By merciful, my good mares, I of course mean I won't have you thrown in a cell. I shall simply order you, as Chairstallion of the Royal Canterlot Council, to go back inside, make a sincere and public apology to your niece and to the princess for your conduct here tonight and then you shall go home, immediately and without argument. And you can jolly well stay there until you've learnt some respect! Is that clear?!"
Magnifying, Monocular and Binocular all nodded fearfully in unison.
"Splendid" Fancy Pants stood aside and gestured to the doorway "Get on with it then, chop-chop"
Trembling, the Glasses re-entered the gala in a huddle, ashen-faced with sweat pouring from their brows.
Content at the result, Fancy Pants turned to the three guards who'd accompanied him.
"Holy Bonnycorn's Bob-Cut!" Shining Armour exclaimed at length, blinking several times "That happened, right? I saw that, right?"
"Did you see their faces?" Spitfire nearly fell about laughing "That is definitely a memory I'm treasuring for life!"
"I am glad you chaps could assist me" Fancy Pants began to dab at his brow "I'm not sure I could have managed that alone"
"Are you kidding? Fancy, dude, that was EPIC!" Flash Sentry, now several years a guard, had not yet grown out of his clunky, uncouth high-school dialect "She was all like 'Get down on the floor, spazz!' and then you were like 'The buck you say, nag?' and then you were all like 'I ain't having that curd!' and..."
"Private Sentry, you are in uniform and addressing the Chairstallion of the Council. Check your tone, this your second warning!" Shining snapped, a unicorn who took his duties as a guard very seriously.
"Sorry" The orange pegasus scratched the back of his mane and spoke in overemphasised tones "You were very...courageous...sir"
Shining rolled his eyes.
"Good enough" He gave an admiring grin to the gentlecolt "I gotta' say, Mister Chairstallion, sir, that was incredible. I mean, on a good day, a wild mountain drake with its teeth around my neck scares me less than Countess Magnifying Glass!"
"And with no offense intended, sir, you've never really struck us as the type to face a mountain drake" Spitfire chuckled "But the way they reacted to you calling 'em out like that, you'd think Nightmare Moon had come for their souls!"
"Well, Captain. Mountain Drakes are one thing. Bullying aristocrats are quite another. As Council Chairstallion I possess quite a bit of influence and I make the most of it"
"I was happy to see that crop burnt to cinders" Shining added "She threatened to use it on my little sister once, just for bumping into her. Those heartless hags have needed taking down a peg for quite some time"
"I simply did what I felt was right," Fancy Pants replied modestly "What a gentlecolt would do. And now, I believe I must check on Fleur and the Doctor and poor young Derpy. And have something to drink, my throat feels like there's a phoenix taking roost in it. Thank you, once again, for your help and I hope you enjoy the rest of the night. I say, it looks like rain"


*


In the washroom, the Doctor drew another paper towel, wet it under the tap, and placed it against Derpy's lashed cheek. Holding it against the injury for several moments, he withdrew it, red with blood. He then took yet another towel, dried the wound and finally, applied the plaster. He shook her head at the sight.
Derpy sat upon the washroom stool, weeping softly. Her body was thoroughly pitted with cuts and bruises. If they were careful, they wouldn't scar but it still shocked him to see anyone, least of all a mare so close and dear to him, hurt this way. He's seen those he loved hurt before, some by foul creatures from other worlds existing only to destroy.
Yet it was ponies, just the few really cruel and despicable ponies that truly turned his stomach.
The two ponies had been mostly quiet since they entered the washroom but finally Derpy spoke.
"I'm sorry..."
The Doctor blinked and shook his head, dumbfounded.
"Derpy, what have you done to be sorry for?"
"I wandered off...I bumped into my aunt...I'd disobeyed her..."
"Now, Derpy, listen..."
"I did it wrong!" she began to wail "That's why they hurt me! That's why anyone hurts me, because I do things wrong! And I'm the only one who never knows what went wrong or why, I just..."
"Derpy..."
"And ponies I love get hurt too! That's the worst part. The reason why I was afraid to stick by you, or make friends, or have a foal. They'd get hurt because of me! Aunt Magnifying's going to exile Sugarcoat and Lyra and Colgate and Fleur and I don't know who else but it's all because of me! It's all my fault!" her head bowed, unable to look the Doctor in the eyes.
"You shouldn’t have come back! I’m not worth it! I bring this on myself...what they did to me...I deserve it"


"Derpy, look at me!"


His voice was stern but it still sounded like he cared.
Derpy raised her head and found the Doctor's lips pressed against hers. Her eyes widened in surprise but she let it happen gladly.
"Derpy" he finally said when they'd finished "I want you to listen very carefully. You deserve happiness. You deserve friendship and family and all the joy they bring. Because you've earned it. Sugarcoat, Lyra, Colgate, Pepperdance, Fleur, do you know why they put their careers and maybe even their lives at risk to protect you?"
Derpy blinked.
"It's because that's what friends do. You've helped them so much in the past and they wanted to give something back. And that's not just owing you or feeling sorry for you. They care about you. A lot of very good ponies care very much about you, Derpy, and they will make sure you get the happiness you deserve. And I'm proud to be one of them"
"Oh Doctor" This time both of them kissed on cue. It was short, but it meant a lot and it definitely made Derpy feel a great deal better.


There was a gentle tap on the door as the mint-green unicorn, Lyra Heartstrings, poked her head out the door.
"Hi Derpy. You feeling okay?" she asked gingerly.
"Yeah...I think so" Derpy was still dreadfully quiet but managed to smile. Lyra returned it and spoke.
"Great, cause there's somepony who wants to see you" she opened the door wider and carried in Dinky Doo, plaintively reaching out to her mother who picked her up and hugged her warmly.
"Oh Dinky...my baby...you're okay"
"Mah"
The Doctor gently reached over and shared in the hug. Dinky huddling up to the Doctor's neck.
"See. Told you she'd look after you" he said.
"Da-Tah" she murmured.
"I think she really likes you" Derpy said, smiling "I think she'd love you as a daddy"
"Yeah..." the Doctor scratched behind his ear, straightened his bowtie and cleared his throat "One day, Derpy, I'll tell you a very special story. About a silly pony who made what started out as a huge mistake but ended up making himself and everyone around him very happy for it. In a way, it's rather like the story of your life"
"It would feel really good..." Derpy murmured, drying her tears "...to know I wasn't alone"
‘You cannot let her know’
"You're never alone, Derpy. Not anymore. Understand that"
"I do...Doctor...I really do"
Lyra cleared her throat anxiously.
"Princess Celestia wants to see you...your aunt and cousins too"
Derpy shrunk in the dirty, tattered remains of her dress and quivered.
"Oh...I knew it...she found out I snuck in...I'm gonna' be in so much trouble"
"No, no, Derpy, I'm sure that's not it" Lyra placed a reassuring hoof on her shoulder "Believe me, if I know you didn't do anything wrong, I'm pretty sure Celestia knows. She's...pretty good at knowing stuff" She winked "And even if, for whatever reason, she takes their side...me and the girls will still be taking yours"
"R-r-really?" Derpy mumbled, hope shining in her mismatched eyes "Th-thanks Lyra...you're all such good friends..."
"Don't sweat it, Derpy. But let's not keep her waiting or you really will be in trouble"
Throwing an 'okay' gesture to the Doctor, Lyra accompanied Derpy back out into the gala.


*


The gala was largely quiet, still not quite recovering from the events prior.
Princess Celestia was standing in the hall beside Countess Magnifying Glass, Monocular and Binocular, eying them distastefully through the corner of her eyes while the expressions on the Countess and her daughters suggested desperately wanting to sink into the floor.
Around them were Derpy's assorted friends and acquaintances, glaring at the guilty noble mares, dearly hoping the three of them were going to spend the night in a dark, dingy dungeon cell. The orange unicorn mare with the red and yellow mane was drawing her hoof across her neck at them in a gesture loosely indicating the mares were, to use the vernacular, 'So Totally Bucked'.
Derpy at last emerged under Lyra's foreleg, still quite bedraggled and very nervous, her filly riding in her sling. She couldn't help but look small in front of the alicorn before her. The Doctor followed behind and stood beside Celestia.
With a tender smile, Celestia spoke to Derpy, her voice like the flow a tranquil brook.
"Hello Derpy " she closed her eyes, breathed in deeply and glanced to the side of her again where the Countess and her daughters stood.
"I believe your aunt and cousins have something they need to say to you"
Countess Magnifying Glass's tight-lipped mouth creased and curdled like she was about to spit out something toxic. Drawing out the words as if they were an alien language, she spoke to her nephew in a civil tone, perhaps for the first time.
"Irregular...Derpy...my niece" she began "I must...apologise...for hurting you here...at the gala...it was...unnecessary"
Celestia stamped her hoof meaningfully. The Countess gave a jump and reworded her previous statement.
"Cruel...it was...terribly cruel...of me...to treat you that way...we are sorry"
"Very, very sorry" Monocular and Binocular repeated, fear prevalent on their ugly faces.
Derpy watched, speechless. As of less than five minutes ago, there were few things that terrified her more than her aunt, a mare of cold steel in her eyes and memory. But now here she and her two spiteful, scheming daughters were, fervently apologising to her.
It felt uplifting in its own way.
But didn't feel altogether satisfying. Derpy was able to see the fear in their eyes. Fear of Celestia, of Fancy Pants and what they could do to them. There was nothing honest in their apology.
She didn't know what to say.
"Very good, Countess" Celestia said, showing as little emotion as possible “Though I have to say, this evening’s gala has given me a lot to think about. It may interest you to know that while all this was taking place, I was speaking with someponies who believed that Miss Derpy was able and capable of living by herself. In truth, I was hesitant and believed staying with her family would do her some good but then I heard troubling tales of how you treated her. Tales that were proven entirely truthful from your behaviour. Without provocation, you assaulted a member of your own family. This cannot be allowed to continue”
She leaned down, her eyes blazing like a couple of infernos. The fear the three mares had shown toward Fancy Pants was starting to look meagre in comparison.
“Tomorrow, I will be speaking with Derpy personally and I will be letting her decide whether she wants to continue living in Ponyville or not. The council will also be issuing a restraining order so as to prevent abuse like this and to remove your reduction on your niece’s income. Know that you have shamed your noble family today and that it is only because I wish to avoid a scandal that you escape imprisonment...but don’t count that entirely out of the question. We will be looking very closely into this matter in future”
After a short pause, motioned to the palace exit.
"The door's that way, thank you for coming"
"W...will somepony fetch us a carriage?" the Countess asked, noticing the sky outside starting to pour plentifully with rain.
Celestia pursed her lips sarcastically.
"I think that's a little extravagant. Derpy and her friends made their way here on hoof from Invitro Hall. It can't be that far a walk"
The Countess's daughters looked ready to blubber gracelessly while their mother stood grinding her teeth behind tight lips.
"Goodbye Countess" Celestia's voice rose about half an octave which was enough for the three mares of Invitro Hall to hitch up their dresses and dash outside, cantering ungainly for Invitro Hall, sopping wet before they'd even reached the bottom of the palace stems.
The Princess called out one last utterance to them, vengeful enthusiasm betrayed in her voice.
“See you tomorrow”
The door closed.


"Well..." the Doctor said, a broad grin on his face "That’ll teach ‘em"
"And good riddance to bad rubbish" Fancy Pants whinnied with approval "Jolly good show, your highness, if I may say so"
"You may of course, Mister Chairstallion " Celestia gave him a grateful smile "I am most thankful you came to Derpy's aid when you did. You acted very much as I and the Doctor would’ve, I am sure"
"Ah..." Fancypants tossed his head modestly "I take a lesson from you both. A good pony uses all they have to do good. I have a great deal. I put it to good use"
"And we are grateful for it" Celestia said and turned again to Derpy. Her eyelids seemed to waver, almost tearfully.
"Dear, sweet Derpy, I am truly sorry I was unable to help you today. I feel ashamed. The night you gave birth, I promised to watch over you and ensure you were taken care of but...I had no idea your family or anypony else treated you this way"
"No...No...It's okay" Derpy mumbled "The thing is...I...I didn't want you to help"
Celestia's eyebrows rose in surprise as Derpy started to look down at her hooves, unable to look the princess in the eye.
"All my life, ponies have told me I need help and...I just felt so pathetic. I'm a grown mare and I have a foal...I just want to be able to live my life and handle my own problems but..." Her voice cracked and tears started falling down her cheeks "I don't think I can..."
"Oh Derpy"
The grey pegasus felt the alicorn princess brush her neck against hers comfortingly, soothing her every concern.
"It is good that you wish to choose your own path in life. But nopony gets anywhere alone. You may not want others to do things for you...but there's nothing wrong with others doing things with you" she smiled "I don't want you to think of me as a goddess or a ruler or a guardian...I want you to think of me as a friend...a friend looking out for you. Beside many others"
She turned meaningfully to the collection of ponies, gathered around Derpy, smiling brightly.
She returned that smile. For as long as her friends could remember, whatever Derpy looked like, her smile was truly beautiful.
Her body was starting to shake, trying hard not to cry as she gazed up at the Princess. Her magic and her friendship was so prevalent. It was easy to see why she was the princess of Equestria.
"Th-thank you, Princess" Derpy took the opportunity to hug the smiling princess, crying with joy "Thank you so much"
"Aw, c'mon Derpy" Colgate joined in the hug "Remember. We're at the Gala. Try to have some fun"
“How about another dance with yours truly?” The Doctor asked, smiling.
"Oh...that would be nice but...I ruined my dress” the mailmare stared forlornly at the tattered remains of the seamstress’s work “I wish I hadn’t done that...Miss Rarity worked so hard on this"
"Hm...give me a moment" Celestia said. Her horn began to glow with a small but extremely bright light as the fragments of Derpy's torn turquoise dress levitated and joined together again, a little stained but whole.
Derpy gave another tearful smile at the Princess.
“Thanks...so much” she squeaked.
“Think nothing of it, my little pony” Celestia cooed “You and your Doctor just enjoy yourself”
"Hey Senorita Melody" Pepperdance turned to the elegant grey cellist who bowed.
"Please mares, call me Octavia"
"Octavia, do you know any Cabaleran music? They're played on the cello in Pezunia, perhaps that would work? Me and my friends were hoping to dance at some point today"
Octavia's lips pursed.
"I mostly do classical but I could give it a shot. I believe 'El Burro Bailando' is somewhere in my songbook. I haven't played it since my exams but I can't be too shaky"
"Gracias hermana" the bubbly red mare grabbed Colgate and Derpy's hooves "C'mon girls, let's show them what I taught you"


Around three minutes later, they were sat down at a table, talking amongst themselves. It was getting late and the gala was starting to die down substantially.
"I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed!" Colgate was slumped backwards against her chair, looking up at the ceiling, hoof resting on her forehead "That must have been the worst dancing I've ever done"
"No worries, Colgate" Pepperdance laughed "You were great for beginners. Derpy too"
"Yeah, I don't mean to be rude or anything..." Lyra pointed out "But I haven't seen you crash into anything once since tonight!"
Derpy gave an embarrassed chuckle and ruffled Dinky's mane.
"I...I guess I'm just a lot more careful when Dinky's close by"
"Aw, that's wonderful, Derpy" Colgate smiled "I really think you've been great as a mother"
"Th-thanks..." Derpy couldn't help but think back to that afternoon when Dinky had nearly been scalded to death in the laundry room.
Thinking back further, although Derpy had sometimes let Dinky fall into danger, she had always been there to get her out of it too.
"I'm kinda' disappointed actually" Twinkleshine said "I was really hoping you'd end up knocking something over on that stuck-up couple over there" She pointed subtly to Jet Set and Upper Crust who were quite a distance away and too caught up currying favour with Blueblood to notice them.
"Oh they've been grating on you too, huh?" Lemon Hearts asked "I mean, they started pestering me over some ancestor I was supposed to have, Lady Citronia or something, who cares? Then when I said my mother was a nurse in Ponyville, they didn't even want to look at me! What's with these big name nobles anyway? Is there some kind of disease they catch from ponies who worked to get where they are?"
"It's an ugly sore in our society" Fancy Pants said dismally "One that the Princess, and those beside her, hope to change. It'll take time" He cleared his throat and spoke to Octavia "That was lovely music back there, Miss Octavia, quite delightful"
"Thank you, Mister Fancy Pants" Octavia nodded in gratitude "Usually when I try Cabaleran music, it always ends up sounding like a Ferdish Folk Dance but I'm glad it was to everyone's enjoyment"
"You two were pretty nice up on the dance floor" the Doctor chuckled as Fleur and Fancy blushed.
"Oh, don't be a toady now, Doctor" the gentlecolt said bashfully "I've only seen Pezunian dancing at the theatres. I'm not an expert. Let's face it, I looked more than a little camp"
"Camp is good" the Doctor grinned.
"I think you looked wonderful, Fancy dear" Fleur cooed, leaning over his shoulder.
"Majestic"
"Striking"
"Masterfu-"
"Why are you still here?!" Fleur found herself yelling at Fancy Pant's entourage, who all edged back, blinking in alarm.
Fancy Pants patted Fleur's hoof in a calming manner.
“Settle down, my dear, I'll handle this" he turned to the three flattering nobleponies with an air of authority.
"I believe I shall be staying longer than planned. I'm sure any further matters between us can be settled at the council meeting tomorrow afternoon"
"Very well, sir"
"As you wish, sir"
"Quite understood, sir"
All three of them bowed, wished them a good night and left in complete unison. Fancy and Fleur both gave a weighty sigh.
"Can't they ever give us some privacy?" Fleur pouted.
"You get used to it" Fancy Pants chuckled.


"You've all been so good to me today" Derpy was close to crying with happiness "But...I hardly know any of you. I’ve been so afraid of showing myself. I was afraid I’d mess up and you’d laugh at me or get angry. But if that’s not going to happen I'd like to know you all better...I never thought anypony would like me this much"
Twinkleshine gave a smile.
"Why wouldn't we like you? You're Ponyville's best mailpony and such a great friend. Colgate and Lyra have told us all about you"
"Yeah, everypony says it" Lemon Hearts piped up "I mean, okay, you may be kinda' whacky but you're still really sweet and friendly"
Sugarcoat rose her head.
"To be honest, Derpy, from what I've been told, you're rather clumsy and often make mistakes but you mean well and do your best and you're steadily getting more and more careful and social. Given time among friends and ponies who are willing to help you then you'll steadily get better at overcoming your weaknesses"
The assorted friends and acquaintances all stared at her.
"What?" she asked dismissively "I don't beat around the bush"
"You never have" Fleur chuckled "You're in great hooves, Derpy"
"Thank you...Miss de Lis"
"Oh please, just call me Fleur. All my friends call me that and I'd really like you to be my friend"
"Er..." Derpy blushed furiously "I don't know...I mean..."
"Oh you look so gorgeous when you blush!" Fleur squealed "Sorry for interrupting. Carry on, dear"
"Um...well..." it was an ordeal for the grey mare to get the words out "I mean...you're really busy and important and beautiful...I don't know if I'd be worth your time..."
"Now Derpy, you mustn't think like that. I’m really not that more important than anypony else at this table and all I’ve ever really wanted is to have friends like you" Her face fell slightly "Ever since I left school I've been so lonely, until I met Fancy"
"But I would've thought you were used to it..." she caught notice of her faux-pas "I didn't mean that...Canterlot's great but..."
"No, no, I understand" Fleur brushed her mane "If you can believe it, I'm not from Canterlot, at least I wasn't raised there"
"Yeah I..." Derpy thought back "Didn't you say you were from Ponyville?"
"Yeah, didn't you know?" Colgate asked "She doesn't get to visit home often but she's Ponyville born and raised. Although, if I remember right, her father's family are Prench Earth Ponies and her mother's family are Bitalian Unicorns and they both grew up and married in Manehattan"
"Exactly" Fleur said humbly "When I started doing well at magic, they got a letter from the Princess and I came to Canterlot to learn at the School For Gifted Unicorns. But I wasn't as good at magic as everyone else, or as clever and..." she winced at the memory "I really wasn't that good-looking either"
"Huh? But..." Derpy couldn't quite picture that "How weren't you good-looking?"
"Well I was far too tall and thin, wasn’t I. Even when I was a filly. The names they had for me. Freaky Fleur, Frumpy Fleur, Lanky Lizzie, Bleurgh de Lis, that became a favourite of theirs. But...then I signed up for tutoring assistant and I got to know the younger students better. I met Colgate, Lyra, Twinkleshine, Lemon Hearts, Sugarcoat, so many friends who thought I was so cool and kind to be spending time with them and giving them advice. It was lovely. And in the following year, I just sort of...blossomed into the mare you see now. I still looked the same but it looked...right. They stopped calling me names but...there were so few who actually liked me for a pony so I was still quite shy and introverted. Then all that changed when I got to know Colgate and Lyra, Twinkleshine, Lemon, Sugar and everypony else here" Fleur gave a comforted sigh "With so many friends, I grew much more confident. They all voted me for Head Filly in a landslide victory. And I learned the real secret to looking beautiful, Derpy" She leaned over and played with a strand of the grey Pegasus's blonde mane "You can look as strange as possible. You might be too fat, too skinny, have strange mane or eyes or colours or anything else but as long as you're friendly and help other ponies then your inner beauty will shine like Celestia's sun and everypony will call you pretty"


Derpy finally felt herself relax.
"Um...thank you for looking out for me tonight" Derpy said to the gentlecolt and his companion.
Fancy Pants looked bashful again.
"Oh pish-posh" he tutted "I simply knew what needed to be done and acted on the power to do so. Your aunt is a mare of great influence but since I outrank her, perhaps the fear that prevented others rushing to your aid was not so apparent in me. And besides, it was Miss Colgate, Lyra and Pepperdance that informed the Princess and the Doctor of your plight and the Guard Commanders, Shining Armour, Spitfire and Flash Sentry that reinforced my statement with their daunting presence. I cannot take sole credit”
Derpy gazed at the gentlecolt in puzzlement.
“Are ponies like you always this humble?” she asked.
“Not always” The Doctor interjected as if to represent the exception “But it helps”
The stallions chuckled.
“And to be honest, dear Derpy, we all feel rather rotten we didn’t know about this from the beginning” Fancy Pants said guiltily.
“No, no, that was my fault” the grey pegasus mumbled forlornly “I kept quiet. I didn’t want anypony else to get hurt because of me”
“Derpy” It was Fleur who spoke “A few months ago, something very bad happened to me. A very powerful pony hurt me and I feared he would hurt others. Telling somepony was a spur of the moment but...deep down I felt terrified...and ashamed to make others solve my problems. I didn’t dare leave my home for fear they’d find me. But in the end, my friends looked out for me. In Ponyville and in Canterlot, I feel much safer thanks to them” She put a tender hoof around Fancy’s shoulder and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
“And I know it will be the same for you”
Derpy paused, fighting back tears.
“Okay” she mumbled.
The kiss of his companion had caused Fancy Pants to blush furiously. Gathering his senses, he cleared his throat and regained his typical magnanimous manner.
“Derpy. Tomorrow, the Canterlot Royal Council, myself chiefly among them, will be deciding how to approach this matter. You should know that I wish you only safety and happiness and it will be entirely your choice on where you wish to live and raise your foal. Your family may wish to paint this case in a different light and let others believe that but...I want you to remain calm. I promise you, in the name of your dear sweet parents, I shall make this right for you”
“Thank you” Derpy felt a huge weight lifted from her shoulders. It had been a long day.
“Hey Derps, great news!” Lyra turned away from her friend’s conversation and spoke ecstatically “The Princess says that we can stay in the Palace Dorms for tonight and however long you want to stay in Canterlot! She’s already sent Flash Sentry to get your things from Invitro Hall. You okay with that?!”
Derpy tried in vain not to gasp in amazement.
“Yes! Yes, I’d love that! Thank you!” She felt like hopping on her hooves as Pinkie Pie did, though she had no idea how “Thank you so much, everypony!”
“Well, I think this calls for a bit of a knees-up, eh?” The Doctor got to his hooves “If Tavi wouldn’t mind playing us another tune?”
“It would be my pleasure, sir” The elegant grey musician bowed.
And with that, the gathering of friends and treasured companions ended their night at the gala in song and dance.


*


Once the impertinent orange pegasus guard left Invitro Hall with the meagre keepsakes of Irregular Glass, Countess Magnifying let loose an unearthly scream, echoing across the estate, her horn blazing. Realising she no longer had her crop in her possession, she blasted a torrent of magic bolts at nowhere in particular, burning a few curtains and smashing a vase.
She was far too lost in rage to care.
“Throwing tantrums now, are we milady?” A sardonic voice interrupted her tirade as an uninvited guest reclined in the smoking room, munching on a carrot.
“How did you get in?!” she snapped, momentarily distracted.
“Really?” the guest asked, getting to his hooves “Not a season ago, your last job for me was ‘Break into a prison and kill somepony without anypony noticing’ and I have visited here frequently enough to know every available entrance and exit. Are you starting to lose faith in my abilities already?”
The Countess gave a cross between a growl and a sigh.
“You should probably change out of those wet clothes” He pointed at the Countess’s crimson dress, thoroughly drenched and sodden from the downpour outside.
“Shut up, Cascadius!” the Countess barked “I’m in no mood for your cheek this late at night”
“What a shame” he smirked “I take it that your niece has flown off”
“It’s that blasted Fancy Pants!” she snarled “He always has to stick his nose in where it’s not welcome, mocking us with his mere presence! He’s just like his damn parents! And now my niece is content to follow in his hoofsteps!”
“You know we could always just get rid of your niece”
The Countess glared at him.
“Is that all you ever do?”
Cascadius gave a chuckle.
“It’s all you ever pay me for. You claim she’s more trouble than she’s worth and I can find somepony a lot more reliable than that poor excuse of an Echo Squad member. Nice carrots that luckless mare had though. Glad he didn’t kill her. Would’ve been such a waste to the agricultural world” He gestured with the one in his hoof.
“Shut up about the damn carrots, Cascadius! I can’t simply have Irregular killed! I thought you were meant to be subtle!”
“Milady, fifteen years ago you sent me to have the Council Chairmare and her husband tortured to death. Nopony saw or heard a thing”
“And nopony suspected a thing. The papers believed it was nothing more than a tragic attack that nopony could have foreseen. The Princess, by now, knows what’s been taking place. If my niece tells anypony what's been happening, anything about my letters or your assassin, she could bring us all down!”
“Bring you all down, milady” Cascadius smiled, raising his hooves innocently “Not me”
“Hah!” The Countess gave a smirk “Oh you think not? Let me tell you, sir, should I be caught, I will have nothing to hide”


She was used to smirking at those she had under her control.
But that smirk faded the instant Cascadius approached her, his eyes boring into hers. One of his heavy hooves drew dangerously close to her throat.
“Well if that’s the case, what’s to stop me making sure your secrets die with you?”
Cascadius was still smiling. Never once had she seen him not smiling.
It never stopped being unnerving.
“I...ah...” She stammered as the hoof caressed her shoulder in a disturbingly gentle manner.
“There’s nothing to stop me, is there...”
“Now wait a minute...” she whimpered, her ardour broken a third time that day “I...I have children...”
“So did that poor couple you sent me after” he said, so eerily quiet and calm “You know, I don’t think I ever told you this but that interfering mare never once begged for her life when my chums got to work on her. She begged for her husband’s life...quite a lot...and he, in turn, begged for hers...but once they realised they were both going to die that day they both begged for their son’s. ‘Spare him’ they said ‘Do what you like to us, but spare our colt’. And you know, I almost felt bad saying I couldn’t make any promises. It feels wrong, you know, to let ponies die without hope. Didn’t stop me though. It never has”
The Countess was quiet, trembling as Cascadius’s hoof found a decent grip around her neck.
She shut her eyes tight.


There was a crunch.
With a terrified gasp, Magnifying Glass shot open her eyes as she stared at Cascadius...struggling not to laugh as he crunched his carrot.
“I really had you going, didn’t I!” he hooted “Oh, the look on your face!”
“You...you...you cretin!” she snarled “I could have your head for that!”
“Oh please” she snorted “Who the hay would you be sending to collect it? The mercenaries I hire? Think this through, old mare, you’re as bad as your husband”
The Countess gritted her teeth and reluctantly conceded defeat, turning away from the paymaster she’d often relied on, despite all his presumptions and impertinence.
“If there’s nothing I can help you with...” he said casually.
“Yes there is!” she snapped “If we can’t stop Irregular talking, we can, at least, stop others listening. Find the medical records. The thorough ones!”
“From Doctor Bittersweet?”
“Of course from Doctor Bittersweet! And make sure it looks genuine. Enough to convince anypony that my niece is delusional”
“Ah, a good old forgery. I haven’t had one of those in ages. Fair enough, milady, your will is my command, for my usual fee, of course”
“Not so fast, Cascadius” The Countess turned to him “It was you who brought me the news of my niece’s foalbirth in the first place...”
Cascadius did the best thing he could to looking innocent. Usually it was surprisingly convincing.
“So?”
“Why? I wish to know. Why come out of retirement for this? Is there a shortage of work elsewhere?”
Cascadius laughed.
“There’s never a shortage of folk who want someone dead” she said, smiling “Especially now with the coups in Zebrica and the revolutions in Saddle Arabia and, not least, your political intrigue. But you’re right. There is something that got my attention”
“Well?”
“The scruffy brown stallion who was with your niece at the gala”
“Yes...” The Countess narrowed her icy blue eyes “What about him? Who is he?”
Cascadius turned to the door and gave a deep inhale through his flaring nostrils.
“A very special pony...whose life I intend to shorten...significantly”
> Chapter 4
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I had a feeling this would happen eventually. I did recommend the Countess keep her niece here a while longer”
With his mild tone, effete mannerisms, flawless politeness and calm, considerate expression, Doctor Bittersweet could easily have been mistaken for a good-hearted pony.
At least until one saw what he was capable of doing to those in his power.
The visitor did not like the stallion.
But then he’d never really liked doctors in general.
One too often they ruined a carefully-planned murder.
One Doctor in particular he had taken great issue with.
Outside Bittersweet’s clean, presentable office, the screams and pleas of his ‘patients’ echoed throughout Glanders Gate Asylum.
“So do you have the reports?” The visitor paced before the doctor’s desk idly “Or have I had a wasted journey?”
“No journey to a hospital is wasted, Mr Cascadius” The gaunt unicorn pressed a button the microphone upon his desk.
“Matron Hellebore” He asked “Would you please examine the archives for the earliest psychiatric report on Miss Irregular Kaleidoscopa Glass and send it to my office?”
“At once, Doctor” An old mare’s voice replied through the microphone as Bittersweet sat back, satisfied. He looked back at his guest.
“Can I get you anything to eat or drink, Mr Cascadius?”
“I’m fine, thanks” the guest replied, glancing to the side-wall as the wails of a nearby ‘patient’ grew loud enough to hear.
“Please! Please let me go! I’m not crazy! I didn’t do those things! I’m just scared and I want to go home!”
Bittersweet tilted his head and Cascadius had a hunch he was rolling his eyes but behind those dark round glasses, it was hard to tell.
“Oh dear” he murmured with concern “It looks like Miss Foxglove is getting rather hysteric again” He fumbled at the microphone.
“Orderly Canker Sore, could you please check on Room 3?”
“I’m already there, Doctor” A relaxed-sounding stallion replied before talking to his patient in an eerie manner.
“Shh...Shh...It’s alright, I’m here, let’s calm you down”
“No! No, no more! Not you! Don’t touch me! Don’t-AIIIIIEEEE!” The sounds from the cell ranged from screaming to babbling and finally a dreadfully emotionless moan.
“Ah good, parathion therapy, that should calm her nerves” Bittersweet said this to himself before switching the microphone back on.
“Very good work, Orderly Canker Sore”
“Thank you, Doctor” He was breathing heavily into the microphone “May I...stay with her a while...to calm her...help her relax?”
“By all means”
The voice gave a faint giggle and grew distinctly more menacing.
“Mmm...Thank you, Doctor”
The microphone switched off and Bittersweet looked back up from his desk to see Cascadius eying him, one eyebrow raised, unimpressed.


“You know, Doc, you could earn a lot hiring out your staff to some of the less compassionate Zebrican Warlords. I reckon you’d have their prisoners spilling their guts in moments”
Bittersweet looked offended.
“Mr Cascadius” he said sternly “Glanders Gate Asylum is a place of healing and learning. Always has been. Here we push boundaries and examine each and every problem the mind can suffer” She rested his thin hooves upon his desk and spoke and acted as though he were in a lecture theatre.
“Mental deficiency causes only pain. It is best for those who possess it to realise that”
“So you give them pain?”
“Precisely. These ponies possess free-will and the ability to think, even partially. Their minds are like that of a foal, perfect learning environments and abilities. A foal is beaten and so learns not to steal cakes. The application of penalty and insight applies in a very similar way. Through these methods, they will learn to control their unfortunate habits and grow out of their waywardness”
Cascadius paused.
“I think it’s a little more complicated than that”
“Nonsense. ‘Simple methods for simple minds’ That is our philosophy here at Glanders Gate”
Like the paymaster, Bittersweet was used to smiling when a pony really shouldn’t.
Cascadius was not smiling. He looked thoroughly bored.
“Right well, thanks for that enlightenment, Doc. Is your matron going to take all night? Because I need to be back in Canterlot in about two hours”
“Please be patient, Mr Cascadius. Matron Hellebore works as hard as she can. So...” he sat back down again “Will the Countess be sending her niece back here in time?”
“That seems to be the plan”
“Ah excellent. I have so often worried for poor Irregular. Such a young mare with such unfortunate habits. I tried to get her out of her peculiar behaviour, adjust her. I could’ve done it, you know, given time and resources” His voice seemed intermixed with what sounded suspiciously like desire, or perhaps longing.
“I really could’ve fixed her”
“Well you might get your chance sooner than-” Cascadius paused and grimaced as various cries and wails pierced through the walls of the office.
“Listen to me! You need to believe me! I don’t hear the ringing anymore!”
“Please just let me see my baby! I’ll come back, I promise!”
“Get them off me! Please! They’re crawling all over me!”
Scowling, Cascadius poked his head out the office and slammed on the open door repeatedly. The door was metal and resounding and the noise blotted out all others.
“DO YOU MIND?!” he bellowed in a manner that sounded not so much angry as mildly irritated “I’M TRYING TO TALK!”
The noise subsided slightly as Cascadius closed the door and sighed.
“That’s better”
The Doctor pursed his lips, eying the paymaster.
“I would prefer you not disturb our residents, Mr Cascadius. They are fragile individuals and their therapy must not be interrupted”
Cascadius should have appreciated the irony but it was honestly too easy.
“Whatever you say, Doc”
The door opened and a heavily-built puce-coated mare in a nurse’s gown, stained with blood and other substances, lumbered in with a 	sheet of paper in her hoof and spoke.
“The report on Irregular Glass as requested, Doctor”


*


The strangely sonorous, if shrill, call of a Phoenix making an early morning flight outside the palace awoke most of the higher city’s denizens. In the School For Gifted Unicorns, located close to the Royal Palace, the halls were becoming alive with the comings and goings of scholars, professors and masons.
In the guest dormitories, Derpy opened her famous mismatched eyes but still resolved to save getting up for later. The simple luxuries of a warm bed and a gentle wake-up had been denied to her for a number of months and she was enjoying every moment of it as she snuggled under the star-patterned duvet with great pleasure.
Before she lost herself in comfort, Derpy checked on her foal.
In a small cradle next to her bed, Dinky lay snoozing, sucking her hoof, nestled under a blanket and cuddling her soft googly-eyed pony toy, both of which were treasured items of hers that they’d been forced to leave at their flat in Ponyville. The Doctor had brought them over just for her. The little foal gave off a tiny squeak, opened one perfect eye to look up at her mother and smiled contently.
Sharing that smile and waving a hoof, Derpy turned to the other side of her. In the bed adjacent, very close to hers, the Doctor was taking what must have been the first time Derpy had ever seen the stallion actually sleep.
Beaming at the pony who had done so much for her and asked for nothing in return, the muddle-headed mailmare gave him a nudge and whispered gently.
“Good morning, Doctor”
“Snork-wha?” He sat up suddenly and growled, covering the top of his mane with his hooves “You can’t prove I stole that fez!”
The bizarre time-traveller was quiet for a moment then checked his surroundings.
“Okay...not Civil War Era Mareakkesh...good to know” He looked over and smiled “Ah, morning Derpy. I’m not wearing a fez am I?”
The grey pegasus underwent a bout of giggles, the scruffy brown stallion never failing to humour her and remind her that she wasn’t the only one in Equestria who got into unusual scrapes.
“No, Doctor, there’s no fez. It’s just you, me and Dinky”
“Fantastic!” The stallion relaxed on the bed, his forelegs showing he was wearing white pyjamas with faint blue and beige vertical stripes “How’s the little one then?”
Derpy looked over and saw her foal stretching out her little hooves and yawning.
“Aw...who’s a sweepy widdle muffin?” Derpy cooed, picking her up and placing her on the pillow beside her, between her and the Doctor.
“Hee...Da-Tah” she giggled, reaching out to her ever-cheerful guardian.
“Hello Dinky” he chuckled “How was your night? Good dreams?” He listened carefully to a babble of foal-talk and raised his eyebrows “Really? A library? With shadows that ate things?” he shrugged “Probably doesn’t mean anything”
“I really need to learn how to speak foal” Derpy sighed.
“I wouldn’t recommend it” the stallion replied “For a normal pony to learn it, they’d need to conk themselves on the head with a mallet, multiple times”
“Well,” the grey pegasus chuckled “I should be pretty close then”
“Aw, don’t be like that, love” The Doctor leaned over and gently nuzzled her cheek with his nose “You’re smarter than you think”


“Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on up in love nest city?!” The two late-risers jerked their heads towards the door as Lyra Heartstrings stood in the doorway, grinning from ear to ear.
“Lyra!” Derpy stammered “I-I-It’s not what...I d-didn’t...”
“No, really, don’t mind me! You two go right ahead” she chuckled “Shoeshine owes me ten bits”
“Leave it out, Lyra!” the Doctor grumbled “Derpy will find a Special Somepony when she’s good and ready”
“It’s okay, I’m just messing with ya!” the mint-green unicorn chuckled “I’m just here to tell you breakfast’s downstairs when you’re ready. And yes, Derpy, they have got muffins”
“Yay!” the mailmare cheered “We’ll be right down. Are you coming, Doctor?”
“Meh, why not. I’m gasping for a mug of tea”
Picking up Dinky under one foreleg, Derpy made her way to the dining hall, followed by the Doctor.
“Lyra?” she asked, concern in the mailmare’s voice “What did you mean about Shoeshine owing you?”
The unicorn blushed guiltily.
“Well...a lot of your friends kinda think...you and the Doctor...y’know...”
“No, not really” Derpy gave a clueless look towards Lyra who sighed.
“They think you make a cute couple”
Derpy was glad that the Doctor had walked on ahead as she stumbled on her hooves and proceeded to stammer and babble, a common practice for her when shocked and nervous.
“Wha! But...I...you...he...Doctor...and...how...me...and...m-muffins...wha...”
“Derpy, calm down” Lyra shook the grey pegasus by the shoulders. Derpy’s eyes rolled around a little and straightened themselves (Not quite in the usual sense but enough to make Derpy herself again)
“Huh?” she asked, puffing out her cheeks in thought.
“Derpy, its okay. Nopony wants you two to shack up if you’re not feeling it. We just think you two would be right for each other”
“I...I guess” the grey pegasus rubbed her foreleg in contemplation.
“I mean you’re both really quirky, you get up to a lot of crazy shenanigans and you both really care about Dinky. And let’s not forget, you two are living together”
“Well...” Derpy gave a small smile “I guess...I could try...but...”
“But?” Lyra smiled encouragingly.
“I mean...how would I ask him?”
At this, Lyra seemed downcast, hanging her head and wincing before continuing.
“To be honest, Derpy, I was hoping you could tell me”
“Wh-what do you mean by that?”
The mint-green unicorn took a deep breath.
“I need somepony special, Derpy” she said, her voice narrowly stopping itself from cracking “Seeing you and the Doctor dancing yesterday made me want somepony for myself that night, to dance with, to talk to, everything. I...I’m going to try it” She sniffed “When we get back to Ponyville...I’m going to kiss Bonbon and ask her out on a date”
“Really?” Derpy gave a startled flap of her wings.
“Yeah...or at least, I’d like to if I could work up the courage” Lyra sat down, grimacing “I thought if you and the Doc were already a couple, I hoped you could give me some advice on how to...approach her”
Derpy paused, looked at her dear, nervous, love-sick friend, and patted her on the head, smiling.
“Just be yourself” she said “That’s what she likes about you”
Lyra gave a begrudging half-smile.
“Yeah but, I mean...” she mumbled “If this goes badly...I don’t know if she’ll really want to be my friend anymore. I could take her not being attracted to me but I really couldn’t bear to lose her friendship. She was the first friend I ever made in my life. I could lose that!”
“Lyra. Bonbon would never stop being your friend, even if she wouldn’t be your special somepony” Derpy demonstrated all she’d learnt the other night about the importance of friendship and how it can help oneself in the hardest of times.
“And besides...” she chuckled “I’m surprised Bonbon hasn’t asked you out already”
The unicorn’s head shot up, her eyes wide.
“Really?” she cried “She’s...attracted to me too?”
“Oh yeah. Totally”
Derpy thought back to Last Hearth’s Warming Eve. When she dropped the tinsel box, Lyra had bent down to pick it up. The young sweet-shop pony’s gaze had landed upon the unicorn’s upturned flank and it hadn’t gone unnoticed by those present, not even Derpy.
Lyra perked up almost instantly.
“Okay...that’s...that’s great” she started laughing “Oh my gosh, that’s great!”
She took off, almost bouncing across the castle corridors.
“What’s she so happy about?” The Doctor asked when his companion had caught up with him.
Derpy giggled.
“I think she’s planning Bonbon a little surprise once she gets home” She paused and spoke earnestly to her time-travelling friend.
“Doctor...after breakfast...and before the custody case...I really want to see somepony here in Canterlot. If anypony asks...I’d rather you just say I went for a walk”
“Okay” The Doctor turned to her with an expression of sympathy “Do you want to tell me who it is you’re seeing?”


Breakfast was a fairly pleasant affair. Derpy was sat between the Doctor and a lavender unicorn filly who simply couldn’t be made to look up from her book. The book in question was a large tome detailing the Birth of Nightmare Moon and the Banishment of Princess Luna.
It didn’t bother Derpy. She simply made conversation with Colgate, Lyra and Pepperdance opposite her while the Doctor idly munched some baked beans on toast.
Something in his pyjama-top pocket vibrated and he excused himself momentarily, wandering into a quiet corridor and checking it.
It was a small communications device with a blue-light similar to his screwdriver. It was a home-made transceiver. He hadn’t come up with a better name yet but he’d left one by Derpy’s flat for ponies to contact him. If somepony had taken the time to figure out how it worked then they had something serious to tell him.
“Y’ello?” he asked.
“Doctor, is that you?” the voice of Nurse Redheart greeted him through the transceiver.
“This is him. What’s the problem, Nursie?”
“Thank Celestia. Doctor, we examined the body of the stallion who attacked Carrot Top, the ‘Echo Squad’ guy”
“What happened?”
“Some really weird curd, Doctor, that’s what happened!” The Nurse was breathing deeply.
The Doctor checked the corridor and spoke gravely.
“Tell me everything”
“Well the body had been...drained. Of his blood, I mean. Like almost completely. But we found no exit wounds. There was a deep puncture mark in his back right-fetlock but it was almost completely dry. Then we found some sort of contusion around his throat. We tried to examine it but...”
“But what?” The Doctor did not like how this was going.
“It moved, Doctor. The contusion was moving around his body, trying to stop us cutting it free until it made its way to the face” He heard her take a deep breath “It burst out of his eye, Doctor! It was alive!”
“What was it, Redheart? Tell me”
“A worm! A huge worm with three jaws, split open like flower petals! It crawled out and tried to bite Tenderheart so...I stamped on it. We’re keeping it in a plastic bag. Its head and tail are still mostly intact but I’m afraid I flattened most of the rest”
The Doctor winced.
“That’s not a worm, Redheart. It’s a Coldwater Leech”


“A what?”
“The Equestrians nicknamed them ‘Vampreys’. Great, slithering, water-dwelling parasites that can grow as big as snakes. Native to the aptly-named cold water bogs of Onageria. The ancient Black Goat Despots considered them delicacies. In fact, they used to lower donkey slaves into the bogs and then drag them out crawling with the things. Then they’d pick them off, one-by-one and fry them at their banquets. The slave usually died but they weren’t in short supply, let me tell you”
There was a pause on the other end of the commlink.
“Right...well...” Nurse Redheart sounded profoundly unwell “Much as I’ve enjoyed learning how lucky I am not be born in ancient Onageria, how did one of these things find itself in Ponyville Lock-up?”
“Because somepony put it there. When out of water, the Coldwater Leech slithers silently along the ground and attacks a nearby equine, burrowing under the fetlock, just above the hoof. Then it tunnels inside, nestles into a vital artery and proceeds to drink itself silly, depleting the victim of fatal amounts of blood in minutes. It takes mere seconds for the victim to become too weak to move or speak. It explains why nopony saw or heard anything. This was an assassination, accomplished by a professional, to make sure this stallion couldn’t betray his masters”
“But why?” Nurse Redheart asked, horrified “He wasn’t going to talk anywa-”
“Oh but he did” the Doctor interrupted “And even if he didn’t, failure is unforgivable in the Echo Squad”
“Yeah, Mayor Mare told me you knew what he was talking about, or whatever he gave away”
“Yes, I did”
“Are you going to tell me?”
“No” His tone was frank. Nurse Redheart gave a frustrated sigh.
“Why not?”
“Because if I do, whoever put that stallion in the morgue will come after you”
There was another pause.
“How would he know, Doctor?”
He closed his eyes in grim recollection.
“Because that’s what he does” He sighed “I’ll be back soon, Nurse. Tell the council to sit tight”
“Good luck, Doctor”
The transceiver’s blue light turned off. As the Doctor checked the coast once more, he was almost certain he saw a figure disappearing round the corner.
A long-forgotten sense of dread creeping across his mind, he swiftly made his way to the safety of the relative dining hall.
With the scruffy brown stallion’s exit, the corridor was quiet but for the intrigued chuckle of an unseen prowler.
‘Oh Doctor...you’re making this too easy’


*


“You’re quite certain these reports will suffice?” Countess Magnifying Glass was feeling restless from not having a crop to gesture with, tapping her hoof instinctively on the desk in her powder-room as her lawyer looked over the forms from Glanders Gate.
“Madam,” he began in a confident tone “I tell you now, if these documents bore Princess Celestia’s name in place of your nieces’, they’d send her highness away on the spot”
The Countess was unamused.
“I’ve lived with my husband long enough to know flattery when I hear it, my good sir” 
The lawyer glanced at Nitpick, who was in the room at the time, shuffling shamefully as his wife continued regardless.
“What would happen to the Princess is none of my concern. I’m not trying to mount a coup...not yet anyway. I simply want Irregular in my custody again”
“I’m sure these reports will suffice” the lawyer clucked “And if not then I did some digging in Cloudsdale and Ponyville. Your niece can be quite destructive, whether she means to be or not. We’ll have a solid case to go against her, don’t worry”
“Good. Perhaps you were worth the expense after all”
“I told you, my dear” Nitpick fawned “Mr Earwax here is very reliable. He has gotten me and my good friends out of many unpleasant scrapes in the past”
“Has he now?” she tutted “It’s not a lawyer you need, husband of mine, it’s a nanny. This stallion must have been getting rich off your weekly misdemeanours”
The lawyer stood up, smiling.
“I’ll admit, I’ve had my eye on a yacht at Golden Gavel’s Auction House for some time and I always know the Glass family to be generous ponies”
“Oh indeed” The Canterlot Lord Magistrate waffled “No fear, my treasure, you can count on us”
“Nitpick” Magnifying hissed, not bothering to look at him “I wouldn’t count on you if you were an abacus! Just do your damn job and for Equestria’s sake...and, for that matter, yours...stay out of trouble”
“Of course, my sweet, of course” Nitpick and Earwax left the Countess’s powder-room, bowing obediently before closing the door.
The two stallions glanced at each other as two soldiers who escaped an angry dragon’s cave with their lives would have done.
“Times were the stallion was the master of the house” Earwax muttered with a hint of derision.
“Times long before my wife was around” Nitpick grumbled.


*


The door to the Canterlot Council Chambers echoed with the sound of its Chairstallion making his entrance.
“Good morning everypony” he began with a confident briskness “How was the gala for you all?”
The council members murmured vague truths and potential praises.
“Excellent, the meeting is now in session. Chairstallion, Fancy Pants, in the chair, secretary Raven Inkwell taking minutes” he nodded to the ever-capable secretary who smiled at him and wrote at an amazing speed “Now then, to business” Fancy Pants slapped down his reports upon the desk as he took his seat “I trust you’ve been informed of last night’s incident involving the Glass family and the legal presentation it has caused?”
“Yes, we have, sir” Earl Grey, an aged and long-standing council member, one of the few Fancy actually put a great deal of trust in, spoke “Miss Inkwell informed us of all that transpired, let me just say, sir, job well done”
He and his colleagues gave their Chairstallion a modest round of applause.
“Really it’s nothing” The gentlecolt hushed them with one hoof “First we put this beast to rest, congratulations come later”
“Yes now, Mr Chairstallion, ah...” It was Jet Set who spoke, a stallion for whom Fancy Pants had little respect “Don’t you think you might be taking this a little too far?” He was chuckling, as if to suggest that what his Chairstallion had suggested was ridiculous.
“How exactly?” Fancy Pants adopted an unamused tone.
“Well, um...” It was certainly having its effect as Jet Set began to stammer nervously “I mean...well...w-we have the Glass family...a...a very proud and n-noble family...with a...a fine reputation. And this...Irregular of theirs?”
“Derpy”
“Pardon?”
“Her name is Derpy. You will call her Derpy. Is that understood?” The gentlecolt’s voice was calm but his eyes blazed behind his monocle.
It turned Jet Set’s hooves to jelly.
“Right, well...this D-Derpy...a d-distant relation? A wayward filly? C-c-content to put her d-duties and responsibilities aside for...for fooling around in Ponyville...hah...of all places?”
“Your point?”
“I mean, d-don’t you think you have your opinions somewhat...ah...wrong-way-round? Don’t you think it should be this...Derpy who should answer for these transgressions and the Countess...be the one to judge her?”
“No” Fancy Pants said, glaring daggers perfectly behind a neutral gaze “No I do not. Will that be all, Mr Set?”
There was a pause.
“Yes...yes, I...just...just thought I’d ask” Jet Set returned to his seat, taking care not to slip on his own sweat.


“Personally I wouldn’t put it past Countess Magnifying Glass to act in such a manner” Fine Line, a fussy but ultimately kind-hearted mare, spoke up “And I’m all for stopping her, honestly, but taking this matter further may cause unnecessary gossip. Relations between Ponyville and Canterlot might be affected, and not in a good way”
“That may well be the case but I’m afraid this is the only way this matter can be solved cleanly. And I’d rather it be solved before her husband, the Right rather-less-than-Honourable Lord Nitpick, can resume his place here in the council”
There was a general murmur of agreement, even from the likes of Jet Set. The scandal Nitpick had caused hadn’t looked good for any of Canterlot’s governing circles.
Fancy Pants continued
“Right. The Mayor of Ponyville, a Mrs Merry Weather, has sent me Miss Derpy Doo’s medical profile and career qualifications, all of which, they believe, sufficiently prove that she is a safe and stable pony, capable of running a house and raising a foal. I’m forwarding copies to each of you”
“What do we do with them, sir?” the lively mare, Primrose, asked.
“I am expecting the Countess or her representatives to send me their own details, no doubt labelling her niece as a dangerous lunatic to be locked up. I’d like to examine and compare both cases and label inconsistencies”
“Sir, don’t you think that’s clerk work?” Jet Set objected.
“Yes, I do, Mr Set. However many of those clerks are friends of Lord Nitpick. I’m not sure we can trust them at this stage. In any case, I shall be meeting the Glass family’s representative in a matter of hours. Miss Inkwell will be taking minutes and you may bring your conclusions to the next meeting this evening. I’d like this matter taken care of as quickly and efficiently as possible and if we all pitch in, that shouldn’t be too difficult”
“Understood, sir” Raven Inkwell nodded as the council departed.
Fancy Pants was all set to find Fleur and buy her breakfast before Earl Grey tapped him on the shoulder and spoke in hushed tones.
“I’d be careful, Fancy” he said “Allowing this Derpy Doo to go back home is all well and good, but the restraining order and who knows what else will have the Countess after your blood”
“The Countess is a worthless, self-interested disgrace to ponykind, Earl” Fancy Pants tutted “It’ll be my duty to the Princess and to Canterlot to make sure she gets exactly what she deserves”
“Fancy”
The old stallion put a hoof on the gentlecolt’s shoulder in a way that almost seemed desperate.
“Don’t underestimate her”
Discomforted, Fancy Pants simply nodded and left, leaving the aged noblepony reminiscing things he did not enjoy seeing again.
‘Please, Fancy, my boy’ his thoughts began to beg ‘Don’t end up like they did’


The office they’d chosen to begin the custody battle was cold at this time in the morning. They were surprised the ink hadn’t frozen.
Fancy Pants glanced at Raven Inkwell whose teeth were chattering slightly.
He removed his jacket and placed it round her shoulders.
The young secretary gave her Chairstallion a smile and a slight look of concern.
“It’s quite alright, dear mare” he said “On cold days like this one, I just think of winter rugby season at Trottingham Academy” He gave a shudder “And then anything seems warm in comparison”
The two laughed. In truth, the Chairstallion and Secretary were unafraid to call each other friends and often acted as each other’s eyes and ears in matters that concerned them. Raven Inkwell managed electoral votes, however, and when that happened, Fancy Pants would insist she remain completely neutral, even in the case of competition such as Nitpick.
Canterlot’s local government was made to ensure the nobility would be represented as a collective community. It was Fancy Pants’s wish that the council would also set a good example to that community, ensuring that rights and justice were indiscriminate in the capital.
This hadn’t gone down well with everypony.
The lawyer entered, a smug bottle-green-coated pegasus stallion with a slicked-back blue-grey mane and a sickening smile that  pulled up every muscle in his face. Fancy Pants knew the pony well.
“Mr Earwax” he said, the ‘Good morning’, ‘How are you?’ and ‘Have a seat’ was absent from his greeting.
“Chairstallion Fancy Pants” the lawyer began “How nice it is to see you again. Are you well?”
The gentlecolt did not smile. Honestly, Discord would’ve cared more about his health than Earwax.
“You’ve been informed of the matter at hoof, I trust?” Fancy Pants asked.
The lawyer gave a derisive chuckle.
“You imagine I would be here if I weren’t informed, sir?”
‘You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t paid a five figure sum, that’s for certain’ Fancy Pants grumbled under his breath.
“I am afraid my client could not appear this session” Earwax stated “Urgent changes to her schedule need to be addressed. She will, however, appear later this afternoon after the intermission”
“Rather narcissistic of her to believe she need not appear at her own court case” The gentlecolt scoffed.
“Mr Chairstallion, my client is an extremely busy and extremely important pony around Canterlot and most of the rest of Equestria. 	Often she must rely on individuals like myself to speak for her in matters concerning vague rumours such as this”
“Vague rumours?!” Fancy Pants looked ready to blast something into oblivion.
“Let me explain where everypony currently stands” Raven Inkwell piped up before anypony could get violent “The Royal Council Chairstallion, Fancy Pants, is pressing charges against Countess Magnifying Glass for the aforementioned crimes she committed at the gala”
“She was implicated to have committed, I think you mean, Miss Inkwell” Earwax said, smirking.
Raven ignored him.
“Whilst the council is presiding custody rights. We believe that Derpy Doo, or Irregular Kaleidoscopa Glass as the Countess calls her, is safe and sane enough to live independently in Ponyville where she will work as a mailmare and mother one foal, Dinky Doo. Whereas the Countess believes...” She held out one hoof, inviting the lawyer to voice his client’s outlook, bracing herself for something annoying.
“'Believes' is the wrong word, Miss Inkwell” Earwax declared “My client, Countess Magnifying Glass, knows that Miss Irregular Glass is an unstable and hazardous pony who simply cannot be trusted with her own life, let alone any other. Both she and her foal must be immediately transferred to her aunt’s care without delay and be presided by her and none other, where she will be safe from the outside world which will, in turn, be safe from her”
“I beg to differ, Mr Earwax” Fancy Pants said, sorely tempted to grind his teeth “Derpy Doo, contrary to certain pony’s belief, is not insane”
The lawyer said nothing. He simply produced a sheet, old and a little weathered, browning at the edges, out in front of them.
“Her medical report says otherwise”
“On the contrary, Mr Earwax” Raven produced her own sheet, or rather a set of them as Fancy Pants adjusted his monocle and compared the reports “Doctor Horse and Nurse Redheart of Ponyville Hospital regularly checked Miss Doo for any signs of major mental impediment. She was found to be perfectly capable of living without permanent assistance. These checks were frequent, at Miss Doo’s own wish, and it was determined that she was not insane or mentally retarded, merely attention-deficit and challenged of vision and reflexes”
Earwax gave a derisive scoff.
“Let’s be honest here, Miss Inkwell, Ponyville has little understanding of what constitutes an unsafe pony. Most of their community are barely sane at the best of times. Their facilities and abilities are substandard and their opinion cannot be counted on. The report I’m handing you is signed and sealed by trained professionals, unmatched in their field, who prescribed Irregular Glass as dangerous and unpredictable. Their word can be taken with a great deal more credibility than any of Ponyville’s so-called experts”
Raven Inkwell put down the quill momentarily for fear she might, purely by accident, set it on fire and bury it in the smug scumball’s eye.
Fancy Pants raised an eyebrow.
“I’ve never heard of this ‘Doctor Runny Mead’?” he said with distaste “And I’m not sure if half of these diagnoses even exist”
“Are you a stallion of medicine, Mister Fancy Pants?” Earwax asked smugly.
“My father was. He taught me all I need to know on how to recognise a dangerous pony and let me tell you sir, I recognise nothing dangerous about Derpy Doo. She’s a friend to all who know her, couldn’t bring harm to a pony if she tried”
At this, Earwax smirked, removing a bulging folder from his suitcase and set it down on the desk.
“I beg to differ, Mr Fancy Pants” he sneered “Have a browse of this file if you like. I did a little digging. This folder details damages to ponies and properties thanks to Miss Irregular Glass’s instability and that’s not even all of it. Taken from Canterlot, Cloudsdale...and Ponyville”
Fancy Pants and Raven Inkwell glanced at each other.
Suddenly their case didn’t look so clean.


*


Derpy and Dinky made their way to their destination largely unnoticed.
It wasn’t that they didn’t look different, it was simply that they didn’t stand out.
She was simply a nervous, grey pegasus wearing no garments or trinkets, carrying a wrapped-up child in a sling.
No noblepony thought she was worth noticing.
She arrived at the tall, clean building and showed them a key to anywhere in the building and most of Canterlot.
The Glass family seal.
This would always be the only place she could bear to use it.
A trim, quiet stallion in a white coat showed her to the room, opened the door for her and left her alone with the room’s owner.
Derpy Doo gazed at the pony before her.
Age had not been kind to him.
He was around sixty-five.
He looked more than ninety.
Last time she had beheld him, he’d been full of life, a round-bellied, cheery-faced stallion with rosy cheeks, a fuzzy mane, a broad, cheesy grin and a love of the great outdoors, always ready to burst into silly songs or talk for hours about nothing in particular.
His entire body seemed to have sagged. His mane hung from his head in wispy grey strands. His face was sunken and his skin hung loosely in jowls on either side of his mouth. His periwinkle-coat had gone blotchy with his deteriorating health. His twinkling eyes had gone rheumy and lined with heavy grey bags. His old tartan dressing-gown almost dwarfed him, wrapped around his body as if to hide him from the world outside.
He was sitting on a small chair and tending wistfully to a large collection of pot-plants arranged in the corner of the room.
Everything about him and his location looked so devoid of the life he’d so enjoyed in the past.
Struggling to comprehend the sight, Derpy cleared her throat.
“Hello”
The stallion raised his head slowly, as if it wasn’t worth the effort and blinked around with a lifeless vapidity smothering a spark of vain hope.
“Cylindrica?” he wheezed “Is that you? Have you come home? The girls have missed you so much”
Cylindrica. The name of his wife, gone from the world long before Derpy entered it.
She walked closer.
“No, no, it’s me, remember?”
The stallion squinted at the wall.
“Looking?” he asked, his voice like the whimper of a rusty hinge “Have you come to see me? It...It must be Looking. Magnifying never comes to see me...she...” His rheumy eyes beaded with tears “She never wants to see me”
He never called her Magnifying unless he was angry with her.
And he was never angry with her.
Derpy placed a hoof on his shoulder. Instantly, one of his own hooves held onto it. She didn’t want to think just how long it had been since somepony had touched him or talked to him.
“It’s me...” she said clearly, staring into his eyes “Remember? It’s Derpy”
The face on the old stallion  lit up with revelation but his pained and plaintive expression hung from him like everything else upon him.
“Derpy...” he whispered “I...I know that name”
“I know...” Derpy gave in to her own tears as she hugged the stallion, taking more care in holding him than she’d ever done with any package or parcel. She felt the old creature’s body quiver with sobs that matched her own.
“I’ve missed you...grandpa”
> Chapter 5
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stained Glass had become a shadow of his former, jolly self.
Derpy watched with worry as he robotically tended to the pot-plants. Stained had always loved gardening, keeping enormous prize-winning vegetables which Derpy always took extreme care not to damage at all.
It seemed this was the only thing that was keeping him active...and perhaps sane.
She never thought it was possible to hate her aunt any more than she did at the gala.
Countess Magnifying Glass had declared her own father insane and sent her away when it suited her. No longer needing his consent, the entire estate of Stained Glass had gone directly and entirely to her.
Derpy remembered her parents promising they’d put a stop to it.
They never did.
“Grandpa?” she asked gingerly.
Stained stopped, paused and looked at her, all in separate motions. He really hadn’t been coping well.
“Derpy...” he asked “When...when is your mother coming?”
“I...” Derpy thought back to before the gala, staring up at the portrait of her parents at Invitro Hall.
“I don’t know”
Stained turned away, as if there was nothing worth noting anymore.
“Grandpa, I wanted to show you something” Derpy said before his eyes could drift off again.
“Hm?”
Derpy unravelled the sling over her shoulder and lifted up her foal. Dinky stared at her great-grandfather with wide amber eyes.
The old stallion opened his own milky eyes as wide as he could.
“Oh...” he murmured, tears forming in the corners of his eyes “She...she’s beautiful”
“Her name’s Dinky, grandpa” she said, her voice cracking “She’s just half-a-year old...and she’s absolutely perfect”
Often ponies wondered how Dinky had turned out a unicorn.
Derpy never had. Her mother had been a gifted magic-user as the Glasses boasted.
With hooves that wouldn’t stop shaking, Stained gently brushed Dinky’s mane. The little foal gave a gurgle of approval and made to clasp her great-grandpa’s hoof.
“Oh-hoh...” he did the closest thing he could to laughing “She’s wonderful...dear Derpy...your...your mother will love her dearly...”
“Yes” Derpy drew both ponies, old and young, into a tender hug.
“I’m sure she will”


Derpy left Canterlot Psychiatric Ward after what seemed like hours, making her way with a heavy heart to the Royal Council Chambers.
She opened the doors and found an old unicorn stallion in a top hat in a heated discussion with a brown-maned mare in a green dress.
“Well one of us has to say something, Mr Grey!” the mare exclaimed “What else are we going to let her get away with?”
“You’re not listening, Mrs Line! I told you, there’s no proof” the stallion barked “And if you go about making noise, you’ll only make things worse”
“I won’t be content to simply keep my head down and-”
The two stopped as they noticed Derpy and her foal standing before them with a look of puzzlement.
“Miss...Derpy Doo?” the stallion asked at length.
Derpy nodded.
“Sorry. We weren’t aware you were coming” the mare said “I’m Fine Line and this is Earl Grey, members of the Canterlot City Council. The Chairstallion, Mister Fancy Pants and Secretary, Raven Inkwell, are representing you in the custody case being held privately in the meeting room opposite. We shall take you there if you like but you’ll only be allowed to observe”
“Y-yes please...that’s fine...”
The two led her to a small, empty room with a wide screen across one of its walls.
Earl Grey stood by a small mirror-shaped panel and shone his horn. A seal of office flew from his jacket-pocket and pressed itself against the panel.
The screen came to life, ebbing and flowing like a vibrating puddle in all the colours of magic.
“Um...Miss Doo...I warn you now” Fine Line said with awkwardness “The case has...escalated quite unfortunately”
“Wh-what do you mean?” Derpy asked, worry playing on her features.
“What we mean is, we weren’t aware of your...motor functions being what they are” Earl Grey said gravely “Your aunt is due to arrive soon. She may shed light, or cast darkness, on the matter at hand but...” he sighed “You and your daughter may well need a guardian by the end of this...from your immediate family”
Derpy paled, hugging Dinky instinctively.
“We’ll see ourselves out”
The muddle-headed mailmare stared at the screen as it steadily became clear.
A green pegasus with a sickening smile and the witty secretary mare she saw at the garden party stood on opposite ends of the table writing their own reports, occasionally stealing loathing glances at each other.
The Chairstallion, Fancy Pants, entered with Countess Magnifying Glass.
Both of them sat down without a word.
“Interview continued at 2:30 pm” Fancy Pants said emotionlessly, leaning towards the Countess.
Derpy could swear she saw murder in his eyes.
“So, Countess Magnifying Glass. Explain, if you will, why you believe your niece should be kept in your care”
The Countess didn’t look herself. She looked forlorn, her eyelids low, her lips without their usual tightness. She had her hooves placed over each other in a mild manner and seemed very humble.
But Derpy saw it. The ice-cold spite in her eyes.


“Mister Fancy Pants” she began in an airy manner “I understand that I was...quite wrong to lose control at the gala that evening” she fussed at her mane “The stresses of recent events have weighed on me significantly. But I simply never expected it to come out in such a destructive way” She sniffed with melancholy and made to clasp the hoof of the Council Chairstallion who drew it away as if it would become infected.
“I would take back everything I said and did if I could. I wasn’t in my right mind. Please...I have learned my lesson. All I wish to do now is mend relations between myself and my poor dear niece”
“Oh is that correct?” Fancy Pants couldn’t sound less impressed or more irritated “Well, it may shock you to learn, Countess Glass, that certain friends of your niece tell a very different tale. According to them, you can’t stand to look at Miss Doo. You treat her like a serf and beat her whenever the opportunity presents itself. You threatened her to reappear at Invitro Hall and were set on sending her to an asylum of sorts if she refused”
Countess Glass and her lawyer made a show of being shocked and appalled.
“I...upon my word, I...I cannot think where they get such ideas” she clucked.
“What sort of friends are we talking about here, Mister Chairstallion?” the lawyer asked in a snide tone “Ponyville mares perhaps? Frantic things, I’d imagine. Obsessive. Not the sort of ponies a court would take very seriously”
“Derpy Doo has done nothing to deny these rumours” Raven Inkwell stated.
From beyond the screen, Derpy felt fear constrict her heart as she noticed her aunt’s eyes flicker with fury before forcing themselves to conform to her mellow expression.
“I will be frank, Miss Inkwell. My niece is overly imaginative and has a tendency to...blame others for her mistakes. I am stern with her. I need to be. The alternative lies scrawled in these complaints before you” she gestured to the folder “As I suspected, her friends in that sordid slum, Ponyville, have been a terrible influence. The stress of a career and a child has not done her any favours, that’s for certain. But I assure you...I wish only the best for my dear Irregular. Return her to Invitro Hall and in a matter of months...she’ll be a completely different mare”
Raven Inkwell was pursing her lips while Fancy Pants tugged impatiently at his moustache.
“Mister Chairstallion,” Earwax the lawyer declared “What more proof do you need? Ponyville’s denizens can justify her little mishaps all they like but the plain truth of the matter is that Miss Irregular Glass cannot be trusted on her own. She can barely move without causing a scene. Do you really intend to lend credence to what comes out of her mouth?” He straightened himself and smirked.
“If you refuse to accept the truth, we will have no alternative but to take the matter to court”
“Your husband will judge, I assume?” Raven Inkwell growled.
“As he should, as Canterlot’s Lord Magistrate” the Countess answered, shrugging daintily “Irregular Glass must have a guardian from her immediate family. Anything less would be dangerous to her and those around her. I do not see what you find so unreasonable about my wishes, Mister Chairstallion, and I am certain neither will the court. So what shall it be?” She leaned forward, a smirk of triumph apparent on her creased features.
“You can allow me to take Irregular back home now or take this to the courts and risk public shame and scandal...I’d imagine that would be catastrophic for your re-election prospects”
The gentlecolt looked trapped and the secretary similarly.
Watching all that transpired, Derpy hung her head and began to weep softly, ready to accept defeat.
“May we have a moment to discuss this in private?” Fancy asked, the vigour in his voice fast dissipating.
“I think not” The Countess said “I’m afraid I can schedule the courts for tomorrow morning and no later. It’s now, my good ponies...or never. What’s it to be?” She held out her hooves and leaned back in her chair, that smirk etched into her face.
Raven Inkwell gave her glasses a polish.
Fancy Pants cleared his throat.
“I...”


The door slammed open and a scruffy brown stallion in a woolly coat and a stripy scarf, entered with a grim, determined face.
“Alright” he said, his voice commanding “I’m settling this”
“Excuse me, who are you?” Earwax snapped, his smirk robbed from off his lips.
“Name’s Turner. Time Turner. My friends call me ‘The Doctor’. I’m here for Derpy Doo”
“Well, that’s wonderful but her representatives were just about to concede to returning custody rights to my client”
“No. They weren’t”
The Countess’s lips grew tight again.
She remembered this stallion.
He’d called her a ‘Bag’.
“And what do you mean by involving yourself in this matter, Mr Turner, if that is your name? Do you presume to tell me that Irregular Glass is a safe and sane mare despite all evidence to the contrary?”
The Doctor paused.
The grey wall-eyed mare who depended on him stared, her heart threatening to burst out her chest in tension.
“No, I don’t” he said flatly.
Derpy’s wings sagged in despair.
Was he really giving up on her?
Now of all times?
Had he gotten tired of her?
The Countess gave a satisfied nod.
“Good. Then-”
“I’ve come to volunteer in your place” the Doctor interrupted “As Derpy and Dinky Doo’s legal guardian in Ponyville. I’ve more right to that position than you ever will”
“WHAT?!” The Countess nearly flew off her chair “Wh-wh-why?! How?!”
Earwax tried to raise a hoof to restrain her.
“Milady, please calm down, you don’t have to say anything to-”
“Shut up!” she screeched before glaring at the Doctor with eyes as cold as winter “What possible right have you to act as my niece’s guardian? How are you related in any way to her, you bedraggled little charlatan? Who are you!”
“You don’t have to stay here, you know”
‘I’m a danger to you. Now more than ever’
“I just didn’t want to hurt her
“You cannot let her know”
“What about the danger I might put her in?”
“Well?” the Countess snapped.
“I’m going to stay”
“You’re a good pony, Doctor”
“I’m a responsible pony”
“You did not leave her alone, Doctor”
“You deserve happiness”
“Answer me!” she screamed.
“It would feel really good...to know I wasn’t alone”
The Doctor took a deep breath and answered.
“The foal? Dinky?” she said.
“What about it?”
The Doctor closed his eyes.
“I’m her father”


There was silence in the room but for a slight metallic ‘clink’.
It turned out to be Fancy Pants' monocle landing on the table as his eyes widened and his jaw dropped.
An expression that was shared by everypony else in the room.
The Countess was the first to recover, gritting her teeth as she spoke, her eyes twitching frantically.
“What did you say?”
‘Yep’ The sensible pony inside his head said with dismay ‘You done gone ploughed yourself, me old mate!’
But he could live with that.
“I’m Dinky Doo’s father” he explained at length “We didn’t mean it to happen but it did and both me and Derpy are content to see it through to the end. We’ve been living together since our filly was born...And I intent to keep it that way...You got a problem with that?”
There was another pause.
“Doctor” Fancy Pants murmured with wonder.
“You!” The Countess gave the scruffy brown stallion a look that would have shattered her own namesake and pointed to the door.
“Outside! Now! I will know more!”
“Now, madam, I warn you...” The Chairstallion stood up to come between them but his time-travelling friend held up an assuring hoof.
“I’ll settle this” he said and followed Magnifying Glass into the empty corridor.
Dinky felt her mother hug her tight and warm tears drop plentifully from her big amber misaligned eyes.


As soon as the door closed shut, the Countess spun round to face him, seething with unbridled rage.
“What game do you think you’re playing?!” she snarled.
“Your game, Countess” he answered, eying her with contempt “And I believe I’m winning”
“Now you...you listen to me” she was huffing and puffing like a dragon who’d run out of fire “I am not to be taken lightly! If you are lying to me, or anypony else, you will be made to pay for it!”
“I’ve nothing to hide”
“If I order your DNA tested to verify your claims, it will be done with a single word”
“Good to hear it”
The Countess was taken aback by his assuredness.
“You...” Words failed her “You can’t possibly be the foal’s father!”
“Why not?!”
“Well...I mean...” she waved her hooves as if the answer was obvious.
“Why would you come back?!”
The Doctor closed his eyes and sucked in a breath through gritted teeth.
“Right. I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that” he hissed “It’s simple. I’m taking Derpy and Dinky off your hooves, back to Ponyville. That’s all I want. Ask me to prove myself her father or a responsible guardian and I shall”
“Wha...” she gasped “Why would you want her?!”
“Because...” he said plainly, pausing a moment just to see if the words in his head were really about to come out the way he wanted them.
“I love her”
“No! You don’t! You can’t!” The Countess bellowed.
“Why not?”
“For Tartarus’ sake!! Have you even met her?!?!”
“You really have no idea how special your niece is, do you”
“Special?! You honestly think she’s special?! She’s a broken doll! A freak! A nopony! She’s nothing special!”
“She is to me”


The Countess’s eyes twitched in a way that reminded the Doctor of Pinkie’s pet alligator.
“Alright” she seethed “We’ll play it your way. Five million”
“Pardon?”
“Five million bits, damn you, to go back inside that room, say you were lying and walk away”
The Doctor found himself laughing at the incredulity of it all.
“Wow!” he chuffed “You are a real piece of work”
“Will you do it for five million or not?”
“Go buck yourself”
The Countess jerked back in alarm.
“What?” she whispered.
“I said go buck yourself”
“Wh-what do you mean by that?”
“I mean go buck yourself. Do you need me to draw a picture? Cause I will”
“You mean to say...”
“I’m not interested”
“Fine” she griped “Ten million and a peerage”
“Madam, I’m not interested”
“Twenty million! A place in court! A Zebrican island! What?!”
“Look, dearie, you know the thing that ponies do with their ears when they listen to what’s being said to them?” The Doctor spoke in a sing-song tone “You should do that. Because I’m. Not. In-Ter-Es-Ted!”
The Countess quivered with rage and indignation and spoke in a growling, near-feral tone.
“You honestly think you can treat her better than me?!”
The Doctor raised an eyebrow.
“I can hardly treat her worse” He shook his head “How? That’s what I want to know. How could you do that to Derpy?!”
“Call it a matter of principle” she sneered.
“Ah. I thought so” he nodded his head, smiling “It’s her mother isn’t it”
“Her mother!” The Countess bared her teeth as she snarled like a wolf “Her mother was a sanctimonious little curd! She always thought she was better than me!”
“She was better than you, Magnifying. Don’t ever forget that!”
“Silence!” she screamed, her eyes inches from his own “I will stop at nothing, do you hear?! I will not rest till you and that worthless thing I call my niece are wailing for mercy! Do not imagine otherwise! I will be your end, sir, your unhappy, bloody end!”


“No” the Doctor sounded tired “You won’t” he gently pushed her away from him and spoke calmly “You are nothing special, Magnifying Glass. You know who I am? I’m a warrior. And I meet creatures like you on a daily basis, I foil their plans, I stare them in the eye, I laugh in their face and I bring down their world! Derpy Doo means everything to me. She is worth fighting against an army of your kind of scum. So if you ever try to hurt my Derpy or my Dinky again, I will find you...” he narrowed his eyes. That alone was twice as daunting as the Countess’s hissing and snarling.
“And nopony will even remember you existed”
“You...” The mare before him was inches from flying into a fit. That was plain to see.
“You think you can threaten me!”
She raised a hoof.
“You think you can frighten me!”
The Doctor was not about to flinch.
“You...”
The Countess suddenly stopped mid-frenzy. The Doctor took notice of her face and realized she was looking over his shoulder, her eyes as wide as carriage-wheels, her mouth gaping and gasping in a silent babble of dismay.
The Doctor smiled and called out to the figure behind him.
“How long have you been listening...Tia?”
Audible, gold-covered hoof-beats sounded on the floor as Princess Celestia paced slowly up the corridor to stare down at the two, eying the quivering Countess with utter loathing and disgust.
“Oh, I heard all of it, Doctor” she said grimly “Every...last...word”
Behind her, Sergeant Shining Armor and Privates Flash Sentry and Stumbler, her guard from the Palace Grounds, approached and cut off all means of escape as the Princess gave the two ponies before her a single command.
“Inside. Now”


At long last, Derpy watched with baited breath as the Doctor and the Countess returned.
Though she barely recognized her aunt. The posture and expression was uncanny, it was as if she’d been drained of every speck of courage or power in her body.
She noticed somepony entering after them. A tall and graceful pony with...
No. It couldn’t be.
“Y-y-your highness” Fancy Pants and Raven Inkwell stood and made to bow.
“Please” Celestia raised one hoof to stop them “I’m terribly sorry I’m late, Mister Chairstallion” she said calmly, before glancing at the lawyer, out the corner of her eye. Earwax sat fumbling nervously at his briefcase. He knew as soon as he’d seen his client’s despair-ridden face that things had gone awry.
Just how much, however, was swiftly becoming apparent.
“You may leave now” The Princess said. Earwax needed no second warning, picking up his briefcase and bolting for the door.
The Countess opened her mouth to speak.
The Princess did not let her.
“Sergeant Shining Armour” she declared “Read the Countess her rights”
The white unicorn stallion proudly stepped forward and spoke the words he’d been dreaming of getting the chance to say ever since the despicable mare before him had threatened his little sister all those months ago.
“Countess Magnifying Glass, you are charged with filly abuse, assault, disruption of royal events, fraud, conspiracy to commit perjury and multiple counts of official misconduct. Charges you have confessed to before witnesses. As such, you will be sentenced accordingly”
He looked up at the Alicorn Princess of the Sun who narrowed her eyes and gave her judgment.
“I sentence you to seven years of house arrest and permanent restraining order against one Miss Derpy Doo, one Miss Dinky Doo...and one Mister Time Turner” She gave the Doctor a knowing look “All will be monitored with magic fields of high-security level and parole will not be available. Ponies of the Palace Grounds Platoon, please escort her home. If she resists, you have authority to apprehend with force”
The Countess fell to her knees in a defeated, nervous wreck as the guards dragged her by the shoulders out of the chamber.


It was some minutes later that Fancy Pants picked up his monocle and spoke.
“Well...” He was thoroughly breathless “That’s the end of that, it seems”
“What about Derpy?” the Doctor asked, looking up at Celestia with hopeful eyes.
The Princess smiled in admiration for her time-travelling friend.
“She and her foal will be going home with you” she said “Back to Ponyville. I have also been looking into the matter of Stained Glass and his supposed mental illness. This afternoon, I had a trained physician see him and he decided that fresh-air and friendly company would be best for him”
“I will have a room prepared for him at Briefly Manor” Fancy Pants piped up “It’s the least I can do for such a long-standing family friend”
“That is very generous of you, Mister Fancy Pants” Celestia cooed “But still, I was intending for him to spend some time in the country”
“Perhaps...Ponyville?” Raven said with a grin.
“My thoughts precisely” The Princess joined in grinning “I believe he and Miss Carrot Top will get along swimmingly, both being the avid gardeners they are”
She leaned down and gave the Doctor a thankful nuzzle.
“Thank you, Doctor. For your bravery and honor today. You are going to make Derpy and Dinky very happy ponies”
“So...that was why you and Derpy were together?” Raven asked “You still wanted to make sure your foal grew up okay?”
The Doctor thought a moment.
“You’re half-right” he said “To be honest, when I came to Ponyville, I had no idea I was going to be a father or that the mother was anywhere around. I first found Derpy crying in the alley where I’d placed my...well...my place of living. She was killing herself and her foal through depression and shame, turning away every friend, afraid that if she didn’t they’d turn away from her. I helped her out and spent the next few days making her feel better. It was only after I found out she was pregnant that I put two and two together. I like to imagine a normal stallion would’ve run away” He sighed “But I’ve never been a normal stallion. I didn’t want her to know, however, for a variety of reasons. Both our pasts involved a great deal of danger that would catch up to us, given the chance. And I wasn’t sure how she’d see me if she knew I’d been the cause of her pain all those years ago. But you know...I think I might be ready. And if I’m lucky...so is she”


“Erm...sir...Mister Turner?” Earl Grey and Fine Line appeared in the doorway, smiling encouragingly.
“There’s somepony who wants to see you”
They parted to reveal the muddle-headed mailmare herself, tears running from her wall-eyes down her neck as her foal stared curiously at her father from her mother’s forelegs.
“You...” the Doctor mumbled “You saw it?
Derpy nodded, blinking away tears so she could see the father of her foal clearly.
‘Oh well’ the Doctor thought ‘No turning back now’
“Well I meant every word” he said “Truth is, I wanted to help you long before I knew we were having a foal. And there honestly hasn’t been one moment when I’ve thought of running away from it. But I know I may have hurt you by staying quiet and though I may have had my reasons, friends and family don’t go around hurting each other” He bowed his head “I’m sorry, Derpy. I’m sorry for any harm I might have caused you. I promise I won’t try to harm you again. And if you still want me in your life, I’ll be there, till the end. But if not...I understand. It’s entirely up to you”
“Doctor...” she murmured, stepping towards him, inch by inch “I...I...I knew you were the one...I knew it!”
She threw herself towards him and wrapped her wings and one foreleg around his shoulders, sobbing freely but happier than she’d ever been. She let it all out. All the fear and pain and anger and confusion and loss, all gone now that she had a shoulder to cry on.
Content that he’d made the right choice, the Doctor took his curious daughter in one foreleg and his indescribably special companion in the other and hugged them both.
“Thanks Derpy” he whispered “You’re fantastic”
“It...It all makes sense...” she gasped “It always felt like he was around. Dinky’s father. I always had a feeling he was watching...keeping us safe...I thought I was crazy but...it was you! It was always you!”
“That’s right, Derpy. Always”
Princess Celestia, Fancy Pants, Raven Inkwell, Earl Grey and Fine Line all beamed with joyous satisfaction.
“Right then” the Chairstallion declared “Interview over at...” He checked his pocket-watch “Five minutes past four. Excellent. Just in time to take Fleur up for dinner at the Tasty Treat”
“Well I’m off with the girls for a night on the square” Raven chuckled.
“Sounds good. I’m in” Fine Line chirruped.
“Well, I was all set to head off to Ponyville, myself” Earl Grey said, turning to Derpy and the Doctor “My wife and I are off to check on our sons. Perhaps I could pick up your father? Canterlot Psychiatric has been informed of events and the stallion’s always been a great friend of mine”
“Yes please...” Derpy’s wall-eyes were drying and her smile was brightening up the very room “Thank you, Earl Grey. And thank you Fine Line and Raven Inkwell and Fancy Pants and...” She nearly fell on her knees before the princess.
“Thank you Princess Celestia”
The alicorn gave her a friendly nuzzle.
“Think nothing of it, dear sweet Derpy” she said in a motherly tone “I am glad to have brought happiness to my faithful subjects on this day” She motioned for the door “Now, Doctor, why don’t you take Derpy and Dinky back home to Ponyville. They deserve some rest after today and I’m sure their friends must miss them greatly”
“Righto, Tia” The Doctor picked up his companion and held his foal between them.
“Come on, love. Let’s go home”


*


The Countess lay slumped in her armchair in the smoking room as Earwax made a nervous estimation.
“I’m very sorry, your ladyship” he whined “Taken to the Canterlot Courts we had a good chance but now...” He shook his head “If the Princess says it’s the long haul for you, it’s the long haul for you. There’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry”
The mare was too weary to make another scene.
“Get out” she sighed.
Earwax gave a feeble bow and left Invitro Hall, passing through a powerful magic field undisturbed, a field that would deliver a debilitating magic charge across Magnifying Glass and send for a large cadre of guards if she ever crossed it.
She sunk into the chair and stared at the ceiling, her breath haggard and her throat sore.
“A drink, milady?” A glass of spirits was placed upon the table next to her as the guest, always uninvited, sat down opposite her, smiling as he always did.
The Countess levitated the glass and groggily poured it between her lips. It spilled out the corner of her mouth and she bolted upright coughing and spluttering, staining her dress with spittle and alcohol.
Cascadius shook his head.
“My, how the mighty have fallen” he mused “Don’t rightly know what you’re so choked up about. You still have all this” He waved his hoof around the furnishings of Invitro Hall “All your bits, all your servants, all your body parts intact. Better than rotting away in a dungeon”
“Don’t you know anything about society, you boob?!” the Countess rasped “My niece’s word publicized. My father disappearing to the country. My reputation in ruins! Ruins I tell you!” She slammed a hoof on the arm of the chair “Where’s my oaf of a husband?!”
“The Sergeant informed him of what transpired. He went straight to the Hanoverian Club...skipping”
“Bah!” the Countess screeched, levitating the decanter of whisky over to the table and pouring herself another glass “I’m completely surrounded by imbeciles!”
“Well a pony is judged by the company they keep”
“I beg your pardon?!” She was taken aback.
Cascadius looked at her with apathy.
“Did you honestly think the stallion I warned you about was one to be bribed?”
“I barely knew the pony, for Tartarus’ sake!” she squawked “How could he possibly love Irregular?! Who even is he?!”
Cascadius chuckled.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you”


“Well whatever you know about him, I want it put to good use, Cascadius!” The Countess stood up and paced toward the fireplace “I want that stallion screaming in agony as long and as loudly as appropriate”
“Can’t be done, I’m afraid” Cascadius poured himself a drink “This whole fiasco’s going out across all Equestria. If we’re going to enact retribution, we’ll need to wait a considerable amount of time”
“How much time” The Countess’s eye twitched.
“Time enough for your house arrest to end at least and not before. Anything else will come back to you and that will come back to me. And as I explained after the gala...we don’t want that, do we? I wouldn’t worry. After all, revenge is like a fine wine” He brought up a wine bottle he’d found in the cellars and grinned.
“Ripened with age”
The Countess turned away from the paymaster and glared into the flames of the fireplace as a dragon would a thief in its lair.
“My niece does not know the enemy she has made in me” she glowered “I shall put her ruin ahead of my own household”
“Certainly done that already”
“What?” The Countess was barely paying attention.
“Well, your damaged reputation has cost you quite a number of investors and then there are your husband’s voters to be considered. And let’s not forget my mercenaries don’t come cheap”
“Rubbish! The filly is not invincible!” the mare cried, brandishing a poker, needing something to imagine striking her niece with “Ponies who wish to be thought of as good are always weak!”
She paced to the middle of the smoking room and brooded. Cascadius sat back and drank as if he were watching a play.
“I shall listen to every rumour and every rumble...” The Countess said, malice dripping from her every word “Until I can strike her. Then...I will strike her...until she can be struck no more!”