> Fudge: A Minotaur's Lament
>  by strangephantasm
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Ch. 1: Three Guesses, None Of Them Are Zalgo
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fudge: A Minotaur's Lament
by: Strange Phantasm
Prologue

Eris sat at the table, perplexed. Her piece was in jeopardy and it was her opponent's turn. She didn't mind losing, but what bothered her was that she couldn't understand why her opponent would make such a move. Was it just to eliminate the competition? No, that was far too simple for such a convoluted mind. To top it all off, it wore that infuriating disguise. A shameless trick of distraction. The creature she played against was about as different from its mask as one could get. 
The girl child seated across from her looked up and smirked.
“What's puzzling you is the nature of my game.” It laughed.
“Why?” Eris asked bluntly. The creature's constant jokes wore thin.
“To teach you a valuable lesson.”
“And what might that be?” She inquired.
“There's no room for red on field of black and white.”
“That's the last thing I expected someone like you to say. Well, hurry up already.”
Eris took a bite of golden apple, and waited.


Chapter 1: Three Guesses, None Of Them Are Zalgo


“Wow mister, you like ponies?”
So there I was, just minding my own business as usual, chilling out at the public library where I bummed wi-fi. What? You expect me to hang out in some net cafe for free webs? One, I hate coffee and two, I know the kind of people who hang out in net cafes. They're the kind of people who use a fancy accented e for words of French origin. Anyway, I was in my usual hidey hole off in a corner where there was never any traffic to bother me, and where my secret past-time could remain secret. Or so I thought.
I was watching one of my favorite episodes of Friendship Is Magic – Lesson Zero. What can I say? Twilight makes the best crazy faces. Then I heard a voice call out from behind me. I was extremely embarrassed to be caught watching a show for little girls. 'But what about brony pride?' you ask. Gimme a break. I'm a thick bearded navy vet/lumber jack. I have an image to maintain.
Speaking of little girls, that's exactly who it was interrupting my precious pony time. Right from the start I knew there was something... odd about this kid. For starters, there was her pull-over. It was purplish black, and I'm not kidding the hood that she had pulled down low was designed to look like the head of a raven. Then there was her dress, which reminded me far too much of the twins from The Shining. Lastly... the eyes. One was a dark blue, the other was a yellowish color. Or was it gold? Either way it's pretty damn weird to see someone with heterochromia in real life and its especially weird when that someone is a creepy little girl holding an even creepier dolly. I really, really wish I were joking when I say that the thing looked exactly like Slender Man.
She was staring at me as if she expected some kind of response, which I guess Is fair since she asked me a question.
“Uhh.. yeah kiddo. I guess I do.”
At this point I was looking around for Le Enfant Terrible's parents, but I figured if they let their kid end up looking like that, allowing their child to run around unsupervised so that they could come bother scary looking dudes in quiet and out of the way areas was par for course. They might as well have pasted a sign on her that said: 'Unnatural and unwanted child, please take one.'
“I just love ponies! They're ever so much fun!”
The sound of her voice made my skin crawl. There was just something wrong about it that I couldn't quite place.
“Say mister, if you could go to Equestria, what would you be?”
That sort of threw me for a loop. I'd never thought about it too much. Definitely not a pony, that would just be way too typical. Besides, that thing they did where they pick things up despite having hooves is kind of freaky.
“I dunno... a minotaur I guess? Probably not what you were expecting I know. Say, are your parents around?”
I really wanted her as far away from me as possible. I also wanted to go back to watching ponies. The kid consulted with the evil doll in hushed tones and seemed to come to an agreement of sorts. Man, if she wasn't creepy before the ear to ear grin she wore sealed the deal. She whispered something and I blinked, not believing I had heard her correctly.
“I'm sorry? I could have swore you just said--”
“SONIC... BOOM!”
Yeah. That's what I thought she'd said. And that was how I got myself KO'ed by a girl. Or maybe it was the doll. I don't remember and I never fucking want to find out. If I ever see that little bitch again it'll be much too soon. No joke, before I went under I swear I heard Guile's theme blaring over the PA system. 





I mentioned before that I was a navy vet, so it should come as no surprise that waking up groggy and confused with no idea where I was or how I had gotten there is not exactly an unusual occurrence for me. What is unusual is waking up green. No, not green in the 'I drank too much and I'm gonna be sick' sense. Rather, I woke up in the 'Jolly Green Goddamn Giant' sense.
I was sprawled on my stomach, so the first thing I saw was my hand. It was freaking huge, and the color of spinach. It was also one finger too few. Startled by this horrifying abomination I quickly noticed that the arm it was attached to was equally green and equally huge. Well, that sent me into a panic real fast. 
I tried to leap to my feet only to discover that my legs now bent in interesting and unusual  ways. They felt like frigging noodles. Also, I no longer had feet. I had hooves. I didn't even need to see the rest of me. At that point it was pretty obvious what I had become. 
“No. No this is not happening.” I said out loud. “You did not get sonic boomed out of reality and you most certainly are not a big green minotaur.”
There, take that existence!	
Quite satisfied with the sheer awesomeness of my denial, I was rather dismayed to find that rather than waking up in my bed or in the much more likely county jail, absolutely nothing happened. By rather dismayed, I mean I started hyperventilating. After I passed out and woke back up in the exact same state as before, the shock wore off. Mostly... Mostly.
“Okay. Okay. So. Congratulations, you're a big green minotaur.”
This was followed by about five seconds of utter silence, and then...
“What the FUCK!?”
I sat there for a long time, trying to wrap my head around the reality of the situation. Then I remembered that weird little blonde bitch and what she had asked me. Equestria? Really? Well, there were certainly worse places to get sent to. And considering the freakishness of that kid, I got real fucking lucky. I mean, I could have wound up in the Evangelion dimension. Or worse, the Warhammer 40k dimension. At least I was in the land of LOVE AND PEACE. 
Or at least that's what I thought at the time.
Finally accepting my fate, I took a look at my surroundings. I was on some path in the middle of a forested area. Hmm, adequate sunlight. No hideous monsters trying to eat me. Well, at least I hadn't ended up in the Everfree. There was not much else to look at though. Attempting to get up once more I realized that this new body of mine was going to take some getting used to.
After a while I had mastered walking, then I made my great discovery. As it turns out, minotaurs have incredible balance. Must be necessary for holding the head up. Contemplating my new head I reached up and felt my horns. They were sort of curvy like a Spanish bull's horns, not ramrod straight like Iron Will's were. They were also really goddamn sharp. 
Now, speaking of Iron Will, I noticed yet another discrepancy between us. I was ripped. I mean, Iron Will had that whole sleek bodybuilder physique going, but I was enormous. We're talking Snowflake level muscles here, but on a minotaur. I couldn't help but flex and give the white pegasus' trademark “YEEEAAAAAH!!!” Also, either I was some kind of freak or Iron Will was, because his hands were sickeningly tiny. Mine were a normal proportion to the rest of me. 
Well now I was excited to be here. I feel I should tell you a little about my old life, so that you understand. I had no real friends after leaving the navy, and the guys I worked with chopping down trees were not exactly a chummy bunch. My folks were long gone, so I had no family either. Now, I didn't hate Earth like a lot of bronies did. I just didn't have anything particularly important to go back to. One place was the same as another right? Might as well enjoy being in my favorite TV show.
Then it really dawned on me. HOLY SHIT. I'M IN EQUESTRIA!!!! The insipid fan-boy inside me nearly exploded. My joy addled brain came up with this sparkling display of genius:
“QUICK! How I gets to Ponyville?! Must hug Fluddershy!”
I took off running down the path like an idiot with minimal planning, thinking that if I followed the road long enough I'd find a town. As I ran, I found myself naturally falling into a charge, my head lowered as if to gore something with my horns. Well, that was interesting. Must be yet another use for all that balance.
Soon enough I discovered that the road did not in fact lead to a town. It lead nowhere. The road just kept going and going like the Energizer bunny. Finally I stopped to catch my breath. Looking through the trees I saw a small lake and decided to quench my thirst. I nearly cried when I tasted the water. Think of the coolest, purest and most refreshing water you've ever had, now multiply that by about fifty.
Looking at my reflection I was pleased with what I saw. My epic beard was still in place, only it was a light green with darker streaks in it, much like my long shaggy hair. My brown eyes were now a slightly darker shade than they used to be. There was one thing missing though, and that was my flannel shirt. Being naked didn't really bother me so much, but I liked my shirt. I mean, you can't be a lumberjack without a flannel shirt.
I'd need to come up with a new name for myself. The human one just wouldn't do. Hmm, my eyes were now the color of chocolate. I know! Fudge!
“Fudge the Minotuar, welcome to Equestria.” I said to myself.
Flexing my new biceps, I watched my reflection and stated in my best Spike impression:
“Lookin' good there Fudge. Lookin' real good!”
My stomach rumbled. The sun was beginning to go down and I had no shelter or dinner of any sort. Then, the horror came. My precious meat eating teeth were all gone. No canines, no incisors. All I had in my mouth were stupid herbivore teeth. Full of despair, I shouted to the heavens.
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!”




Author's Notes:
Thus begins the sad sad tale of Fudge the Minotard, and you will quickly figure out that his Game Master is a complete douche. Oh yeah, so adorableness is kind of like Fudge's kryptonite. Only instead of making him weak, it turns him into an idiot. Then again, he's kind of an idiot to begin with.
> Ch. 2: 'Ere We Go! Where We Go? Nobody Knows Till We Gets Dere!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 2: 'Ere We Go!

Let me start by saying how much I love animals. I love them so much I could just eat them up... IF I HAD THE RIGHT FUCKING TEETH! Seriously, what was I supposed to do with a mouth full of molars? And then it hit me like a sucker punch to the kidney. I knew what I had to do. It was either face the music or starve. I didn't have a choice. 
What I was about to do filled me with immense shame. The kind of shame I had not felt since one particular evening involving an obscene amount of vodka and my grandfather's BMW. With a heavy sigh I picked up a handful of grass, winced and took a bite. My brain was having trouble processing reality, which considering the circumstances I think can be forgiven.

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What the hell? I have woken up with grass in my mouth before. I know what grass tastes like. This... this distinctly did not have the foul, grass-like taste that I was expecting. Had my tongue been altered, or was it some weird property of the flora here? Either way, the grass tasted neither good nor bad. It was, in fact, utterly flavorless. My guess was that this was why we never see ponies grazing. They had much more appetizing options. Well, I've eaten military food. As long as it isn't going to be nasty, I can live with it I guess. I was so going to miss eating dead animals though. Fuck you PETA. You go to hell. You go to hell and you die!
Seeing as how I had all the time in the world to munch on the grass I figured I had better see about finding a place to sleep. After all, if Minecraft had taught me anything it was that sleeping in the open leads to very, very bad things happening. While I doubted that I would be attacked by green exploding block monsters or giant spiders in my sleep, it did look like it might rain soon. Which was odd considering, y'know, Equestria. Maybe there just weren't any pegasi around wherever the hell I was to keep the weather in check?  Seeing the mass of gray clouds on the horizon continued to thicken, I definitely wanted a roof over my head.
Looking across the lake I saw that the opposite shore was composed of very little sand and a lot of boulders. It was time to put this body of mine to the test. Soon I had made my way around the lake and stood scratching my beard. Hopefully this worked out the way I thought it would, but most likely it would result in me throwing my back out or getting a hernia. Or both. Taking a breath I bent down and put my arms around a stone that was as large as I was.
I lifted the thing like it was nothing. These could have been the Styrofoam prop boulders from Legends of The Hidden Temple as far as I was concerned. I set the rock back down and started assembling a pile that would eventually turn into my makeshift cave. Hopefully it wouldn't collapse on my head while I slept.
By the time I was finished the sun had sank below the horizon and the moon had come up. As I ate my dinner which consisted solely of handfuls of raw grass, I looked at the sky in amazement. It was indescribably beautiful, and I've seen the night sky from the deck of a ship in the middle of the ocean. Out on the water there's no light pollution whatsoever. Out there, its as dark as it gets. I remember reading somewhere that the scientists actually had counted the number of stars in the sky, or at least had a rough estimate. According to them, you could see about six thousand “stars” with the naked eye, although most of them were actually galaxies.
Let me tell you, our sky cannot even compare to Luna's handiwork. Er, hoofdiwork? Whatever! The point is, the princess 'done a great jorb' okay? As the rain started to fall I headed into my shelter and positioned a rock in front of the entrance. Then I laid down to sleep.
That first night in Equestria, I had a dream. It wouldn't be until much later that I remembered it, and God I wish I hadn't.


*     *     *


I was lying on my back in the darkness, not knowing at all where I was. Sitting up I looked around and saw that I was on the road that lead to the farm of one of my all time favorite ponies. 'Apples! Apples! Buy some apples!' I chuckled to myself. It was physically impossible for me to look at one without thinking about Friendship Is Witchcraft. 
Intent on tasting the legendary fruit I hopped over the fence and into the orchard, looking around conspiratorially to see if Winona was around guarding the place. The collie was nowhere to be found. Bad dog. I really wanted a sour apple, but as I walked among the trees I realized that I couldn't tell one kind of green from another in the night. Ah well. I reached up to take an apple and froze. A sense of dread washed over me.
Glancing back and forth I saw nothing and shrugged it off as my mind playing tricks. Once again I reached for the apple, and this time I heard the rustling of leaves somewhere behind me. I slowly turned and looked. There, standing between two rows of trees was a sight that turned my veins to ice.
Slender Mane. 
Its pale, featureless face practically glowed in the moonlight. Its bizarrely long limbs moved and it started coming towards me. I ran, my mind telling me that it was useless to try and escape, my body telling me I had to get away. I ran through the trees, leapt over the fence and started heading for the town. Every time I looked back it was there, unhurried but still somehow a little closer.
The streets were utterly deserted. All the houses were closed up tight as if all the ponies had gone on vacation. Then I saw a light in the darkness. It was like a light of hope, and it was coming from the most recognizable building in town sans Sugarcube Corner. Twilight's library. I raced to the literal tree house and burst through the door, slamming it shut behind me. Peeking out the window I saw no sign of Slender Mane.
The unmistakable sound of a quill scratching at paper caused me to turn around. There, sitting at Twilight's desk was a hulking figure wrapped in a dark cloak. It would have looked like some kind of bloated, corpulent bird if not for the two massive hornlike protrusions poking up from the shoulders. The candlelight flickered, and I couldn't help but notice that the thing cast no shadow whatsoever. 
A ridiculously long scroll trailed off of the desk, looking like one of Twilight's lists. Various horrible appendages reached out and picked it up: a metallic claw, a hand covered in eyes, a cloven hoof and even a purplish tentacle. Then a voice emerged from the hood of the cloak. It was like a thousand voices all merged into one.

“The game of Change has started, the players fair and foul. 
The sound of silence echoes. 
The white winds howl.”

The figure turned and glanced in my direction. The scroll slid through its grasp till it found the section it was looking for.

“The villain, 'Wolf' from tales of yore, 
Wrongs the maiden as in lore.
Her cloak, a symbol to color his soul,
Scarlet, crimson, red.
The Woodsman comes, an oath he swore.
Axe in hand with bloody goal,
TO SEPERATE WOLF FROM ITS HEAD!”

The creature stood up abruptly, knocking over the stool it had been sitting on. It turned towards me in full and the cloak around its body seemed to melt away into nothing. Then I saw what it was. Faces. Just faces. A horrible writhing mass, seething and bubbling. All of the faces were laughing, even as they sank down into the flesh only to be replaced by another. But one face did not move at all, one face looked out from where the chest should have been. It had blue and gold eyes, and it laughed and laughed and laughed.
The true terror came when I realized that I knew what this was.
Of their own accord my lips uttered its name.


*     *     *


I woke up screaming. Some kind of demon spawn had crawled onto the end of my snout. So much for my shelter keeping out giant spiders. Guess I should have made torches. I slapped the monster away and burst through the wall of my shelter, flailing my limbs like a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Guy. I ran straight into the lake, diving beneath the surface and hiding there for as long as my breath held, which was considerably longer than it would have been in my old body.
When I came up for air I saw no sign of the hell beast. Not wanting to take any chances I decided to leave the pile of rubble as it was. Uh... I mean, the temporary shelter had served its purpose. No point in going back there, right? Right? 
Swimming across the lake was kind of awkward with hooves, but at least I had hands and arms to work with. Idly I wondered how the Cutie Mark Crusaders' swim fins stayed on. Emerging from the water I shook myself off as best I could and made my way back onto the path. It was time to get going. Surely today would be the day I reached Ponyville! Just a little more walking and then Flutters would be mine to glomp to my heart's content! All mine! 	“You're... going to... LOOOOVE MEEEE!!!”
As I strolled down the road, a song came into my head. Maybe it was something weird about Equestria, but I was compelled to sing it out loud:


“I walked ten thousand miles, ten thousand miles to see you.
And every gasp of breath I grabbed at, just to find you.
I climbed up every hill to get, to you.
I wandered ancient lands to hold, just you.

And every single step of the way, of pain,
Every single night and day, 
I searched for you.
Through sandstorms and hazy dawns I reached for you.

I stole ten thousand pounds, ten thousand pounds to see you.
I robbed convenience stores cause I thought they'd make it easier.
I lived off rats and toads, and I starved for you.
I fought off giants bears and I killed them too.

And every single step of the way, of pain,
Every single night and day,
I searched for you.
Through sandstorms and hazy dawns I reached for you.
I'm tired and I'm weak, but I'm strong for you.
I wanna go home, but my love gets me through.


The path I was traveling on finally cleared the trees, and what I saw then would shatter my view of Equestria forever. 




Author's Notes:

Hey, it could be worse. Much, much worse.

> Ch. 3: Fudge&!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter 3: Fudge&!


Below me, where the path sloped down into a valley, were ponies. Now, I had fully expected my first encounter with my favorite four legged creatures to be an exciting and mind blowing experience. Well, it was mind blowing alright, but it wasn't exciting. In the words of a certain blonde headed video game vixen, it was in fact, “disasteriffic.”
To the side of the path several wagons lay overturned. Various goods and produce lay strewn about as if a tornado had struck. As I approached, I began to hear crying and sobbing of children. The mares looked distraught, a few of them holding foals close to them in comforting embraces. The stallions were working to right the wagons and pick up the merchandise with grim expressions.
I made my way down towards them, wondering what the hay had happened.  A stallion noticed me and nudged his partner. The work quickly stopped as they all turned to stare, gathering into a crowd. Now that I was up close it became apparent just how big I really was. If an average pony comes up a to an average human's solar plexus, that had to make me... Holy crap! On top of being built like a Mack truck, I'm damn near eight feet tall.
“H... huge! You're huge!” A filly exclaimed with wide eyes.
(Great, now I'm gonna be known as Jumbo.) I thought.
That thought made me realize I could just as easily have wound up in the world of the Yotsuba manga... Then I imagined a smiling Yotsuba holding Apple Bloom whilst riding Fluttershy. If I ever gain the power to send people to other dimensions, I will make this happen. And all the worlds shall burn in fires of nuclear diabeetus! Muah ha ha ha ha!!!
“So... what exactly happened here?” I asked, looking around puzzled.
“It was awful!” A mare declared.
Le gasp! I'd know that wail anywhere. It belonged to none other than one of the Pretty Ponies Prone To Panic, Lily! She made her way out of the crowd and into my view. Now, when I said that this encounter wasn't exciting, I mighta sorta... lied to ya. Seeing a pony that I recognized for the first time was exactly like meeting a celebrity. Only awesome. I mean, she wasn't one of the Mane Six, but she was still from the show. Besides, the PPPTP always made made me crack up with laughter every time they appeared on the screen.
“Bandits attacked us and stole all of our bits! And not just any bandits, it was those horrible Flim Flam Brothers.” Lily stated.
Wait... Bandits? Assault and brigandry? In Ponyland? Flim and Flam turned literal highway robbers? Friendship Is Magic is now rated E for Error! Error! Does not compute! 
“What?” Was the best I could come up with.
“Oh, you've probably never heard of them. If it weren't for them proudly announcing who was robbing us the only reason I'd know who they were was because they came to my town a few years back. They weren't bandits then though, they were snake oil salesmen.” She said  a look of disgust.
“It just goes to show you, these are dangerous times we're living in.” A dark blue stallion commented. “If it isn't bandits its slavers. We're lucky they didn't decide to murder us outright. We never should have gone without an escort.”
Wh... what? Did I wind up in Fallout: Equestria? Please God let me not be in Fallout: Equestria. The lack of bomb shattered wasteland made that a rather unlikely possibility. Which lead me to only one conclusion. Ponyland was not the happy wonderful place we were told. It was lies. Hasbro was selling us nothing but a pack of lies. “Murder” was not a word I ever expected to hear a pony utter in my entire life. I was shocked.
“Well, back to work everypony.” The stallion said.
The others returned to their cleanup efforts leaving the pink mare with me.
“You're not from around here are you?” Lily asked, trotting back to her cart.
I righted it for her, trying to think of what to say. How much should I tell her?
“No, I'm foreign.” I said.
Well, I guess technically it wasn't a lie.
“Thanks, so you're from the Dominion then?”
My confused response came out on reflex, realizing I had slipped up afterward.
“The Dominion?”
Now Lily was looking at me with her jaw hanging open. I winced. At this point, I knew I was caught. I was missing a hefty amount of common knowledge here and by this point it was too late for the tried and true 'amnesia' excuse. Knowing ponies tendency toward hysterics I glanced around to see that the others were ignoring us.
“Uh... look Lily, we should have a talk.” I said.
Her eyes widened.
“How do you know my name...”
Her eyes narrowed.
“Are you a spy?!”
I thought it was just Rainbow Dash. Holy crap what IS it with ponies and spies?! With a sigh I started picking up bags what I assumed to be flower seeds from around the cart and loading it up.
“No Lily, I'm an alien with special knowledge of Equestria but know of nothing beyond its borders.” I stated with utmost seriousness.
The blonde stared at me for a few seconds and then burst out laughing. Eventually she flopped onto her back and started wiggling her legs.
“Puh.. pull another one!” She chortled, wiping her eyes.
“I'm not kidding.” 
Recovering from her giggle fit and getting to her feet, she shook her head.
“Right right, next you'll be telling me humans are real too and that Lyra was right about them all along. Well anyway I needed a good laugh after what happened today.”
At this point, I could see that she wasn't going to believe me. Seems I didn't have a choice but to drop the bombshell. Taking a cue from Pinkie Pie and Apple Bloom, I sucked in a huge breath and spouted:
“You're from the town of Ponyville. Your two best friends are named Daisy and Roseluck, but everyone calls her Rose for short. Almost every week something crazy happens in Ponyville and gets resolved by or is caused by Twilight Sparkle and her circle of friends. Their names are Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie Pie works at Sugarcube Corner. Dash is on the weather team. Applejack farms apples. Rarity is a seamstress. Twilight is the personal student of Princess Celestia and has a baby dragon assistant named Spike. Fluttershy cares for animals and has a really jerky pet rabbit named Angel Bunny who horribly mistreats her despite the fact that she is wonderful and amazing and is the best pony.”
Lily's response? Pretty much what I expected. She fainted. That caught the others attention and I quickly had to come up with an excuse. Fanning her off I said:
“Uh... stress?”
Yeah. Real clever I know. Look, I never claimed to be some smooth talker okay? The ponies rolled their eyes and continued working. Even though I didn't recognize any of the others as being from Ponyville, they were apparently familiar enough with Lily to know that she faints at the drop of a hat.


*     *    *


So it turns out that the little caravan was headed to Canterlot to sell their wares. But since their bits were gone they had no money for lodgings and were forced to head home. Seems as though my suspicions were correct. Of this entire group only Lily was from Ponyville. By the time Lily had recovered the other ponies carts were all loaded and they were ready to get going. 
I could tell they had their doubts about leaving the mare with me. Let's be honest here, I know I'm scary looking. But so far I had given them no cause to distrust me, and so the ponies headed their separate ways. Soon enough it was just me, a cart and a very disturbed Lily.
I was rather impressed with her though. Here I thought the PPPTP were completely flighty. She was handling this whole thing rather well. After the initial shock she seemed to calm down and accept the idea that I meant no harm, and God bless her for that. Shit, if some alien showed up on Earth I'd be paranoid as FUCK. I've seen The Thing about a billion times. I know what happens when the aliens come. Folks get ett, that's what. ET? Spielburg himself is an alien and ET: The Extra Terrestrial was his attempt to lure us into a false sense of security. I'M ON TO YOU SPIELBURG!!! 
“So... you're going to Ponyville?” Lily asked.
“Well, I don't really have anywhere else to go and besides, Ponyville is where my favorite mare lives. I want to say hello.”
(And hug her and squeeze her and..) Said my brain.
“How do you know so much about us?”
“Uh, look. There's a lot of metaphysical stuff involved here and I'm not too good with words. Basically... to me and my people, you and Equestria are works of fiction. There's this this thing called the Many Worlds Theory that states there are an infinite number of realities. I dunno how we wound up with a glimpse of your world or how the hell that works so don't bother asking. Anyway, a very special lady named Lauren Faust came up with the idea for...”
Hmm, how to explain the concept of television to her? I remembered that they had movies in Hurricane Fluttershy, and since that was the most comparable technology it would have to do.
“... a series of thirty minute movies about the lives of the Elements of Harmony and the magic of friendship and it has become massively popular.”
“So, where's your flying saucer?” Lily asked, throwing me for a loop.
“My flying... No no no. That's not how I got here. Some kind of malevolent entity sent me here for reasons unknown. I think... I think it might have been something similar to Discord.”
At the mention of the draconequuis, her eyes bulged out and she put her hooves on the sides of her head in memory of THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
“Girabbits...” I heard her whisper.
Yeah, I hated those damn Salvador Dali bunnies myself. Fucking CREEPY.
“Oh! I haven't even asked your name Mr. Alien Guy.” Lily said, coming to her senses.
“Well back home my real name was Peter, but you can call me Fudge on account of these big brown eyes and the fact that I love chocolate.”
I waggled my bushy eyebrows at her, causing her to giggle. She extended her hoof and I shook it.
“Pleased to meet you Fudge.”
“Likewise Miss Lily.”
“So, tell me about yourself.”
“Hmm, not much to tell really. Oh yeah, before the... whatever it was sent me here, I used to be a human.”
“Oh come on, now you're just teasing!”
“No really! On my planet, unicorns and pegasi are considered mythological beings. And from what I gather, humans are considered the same here. I guess you guys must have glimpsed Earth or something.”
“Lyra's going to freak out when she meets you. She's sort of a mythophile.”
“I know.” I grimaced, imagining a rampaging Lyra chasing me across the countryside.
That sort of gave Lily pause.
“Just how much do you know about us?” She inquired.
“Hmm... well, a lot of what I 'know' might turn out to not be true, but I'm pretty sure most if it is.”
I started telling her about all the ponies I could think of, from the Princesses to Berry Punch. When I came to Bon Bon, I stopped and a smirk crept onto my face.
“What's with that look?”
“Is true about Lyra and Bon Bon?” I asked.
“Is what true?” Lily asked, confused.
“That they're.. you know..”
She tilted her head the way a curious puppy does. Then I realized. Equestria is probably a hell of a lot more tolerant of that sort of thing. For her “Lyra and Bon Bon” was probably just another fact of life. I face palmed, feeling embarrassed.
“Nevermind. It's none of my business.”
“OHH!” She exclaimed, finally getting my meaning. “Yeah, they totally are. Wait.. You guys speculate about that kind of stuff?”
That made me laugh.
“Oh Lily, you've got no idea. We fans speculate about everything.”


Author's Notes:


“Boys like Peter, are not afraid of wolves.”





> Ch. 4: What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor?
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ch. 4: What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor?


I would have been a gentleman and offered to pull the cart, but the yoke just wouldn't fit me. As we journeyed down the road it turned out that the “Mythophilia Virus” was catching. She kept asking me more and more about myself. 
Lily didn't want to believe I was a lumberjack. She said that it was impossible to imagine an alien's day job being to chop down trees. When I reassured her that this was indeed the case she seemed... disappointed. I suppose I would be too. If I had just met a visitor from another realm I would expect them to be someone important, like a scientist or a political leader of some sort. Not something mundane like a fry cook or broom pusher.
“What about your family? I'm sure they're worried sick about you.” She asked.
I was rather touched by her concern.
“Don't have any family myself. I was an only child and my folks passed on a while back.”
“No wife? No girlfriend?”
“With an ugly mug like the one I had? Not a chance!” I chuckled.
“Hey, it's not all about looks you know.” Lily chided. The expression on her face told me I had struck a nerve.
“Well, what about you? How come a nice mare like you doesn't have a special somepony?”
Her left eye twitched.
“No reason.” She obviously lied. “I just don't feel like it.”
“...It's Roseluck isn't it?” I asked with an amused smirk.
“YES IT'S ROSELUCK OKAY!?!” Lily shouted. “She's all the stallions talk about. Roseluck, Roseluck, Roseluck! Ughh! Do you know how difficult it is having a perfect friend? She's the best florist, wins all the competitions, she's a successful businessmare and worst of all she's--”
“The prettiest pony in the world.” I deadpanned. 
What? It's true. Don't try to deny it. 
Lily gave me a withering glare.
“It's gotten so bad lately that poor Daisy's developed an inferiority complex about it.”
(Uh huh. Daisy. Yeah, sure. Sorry Applejack, Lily wins the title of worst liar.)
“Well, Daisy shouldn't compare herself to Rose.” I said, playing along. “Back on Earth, too many perfectly beautiful girls drove themselves crazy comparing themselves to supermodels. There's different kinds of pretty you know. Roseluck has the kind of pretty that radiates and you notice it right away. Some girls have a pretty that you have to take the time to appreciate.”
“I guess you're right.” Lily blushed, and resumed pulling the cart.
(Did... Did I just unintentionally hit on a pony?) Stupid brain asked itself. 
“So what's it like on your planet?”
I frowned.
“It's... Humans... don't live in harmony. Our whole history has consisted of pretty much one war after another. We're a violent race, supremely skilled at ruining our own lives.”
“That sounds terrible.” Lily replied sadly.
“Now, don't get me wrong. Humanity isn't all bad. For every horrible scumbag there's another person who doesn't want to cause trouble for anyone. If that weren't the case we would have destroyed ourselves a long time ago. It's to the point where our continued existence is proof that we are worthy to exist.”
Lily chuckled.
“That's a rather enlightened view. No offense, but you... don't exactly seem like the  philosophical type.”
“Heh, they say all sailors are philosophers.” I stated.
“I thought you were a lumberjack. Now you're a sailor? Are you just making things up?”
“Sailing was my first job. The navy was great, traveling all around the world and seeing all kinds of new places. Plus, there's no beating a bed on a ship. The waves just rock you to sleep like a little baby. Never understood people who get seasick myself. I always thought it was hilarious whenever I'd see someone scrambling for the side to throw up.”
“I've never been to the ocean, let alone gone on a ship.” Lily said.
“The ocean's awesome, but at the same time kind of terrifying. Especially when you're out in the middle of it. I used to have nightmares about tidal waves all the time. Still, when you're out on the sea the night sky never looked better. Princess Luna rocks by the way. I'd put her at third best pony, right after Applejack.”
“Applejack huh? Yeah, I can see that. AJ's a good gal. Honest, dependable and hard working. Darn pretty to boot, though she'd never admit it. If it weren't for a certain mare I'm pretty sure the guys would be all over her.”
“Eh, they're probably all scared of Big Macintosh.” I surmised.
“Eeeyup.” 
If our heads weren't attached, we'd have laughed them right off. 
Imagine our surprise when we found the road blocked off. Our jaws dropped at the scene of devastation before us. It looked as if some kind of natural disaster had been through here. There were trees knocked down onto the road as far as the eye could see. Several pegasi were inspecting the scene. A guard pony saw us approaching and held up a hoof.
“Where are you headed travelers?” He asked.
“Ponyville.” We said in unison, exchanging a grin as we did so.
“That's unfortunate. I'm afraid you have quite the detour to make. It seems an ursa major went on the rampage and caused all kinds of problems. The road ahead is blocked for miles and you'll never be able to make it cross country unless you lose the cart. However, the princesses have commissioned a riverboat to act as a ferry. Free of charge. You'll have to get off downstream and make your way to Ponyville from there. Fortunately, it just returned.”
Well, seems like Lily gets to earn the “I'm On A Boat!” achievement after all. One of the pegasi showed us to the river where a very handsome craft was waiting. It was an all white paddlewheel number that looked like it belonged in an old timey movie. A mare in a red dress was painted on the side, performing a high kick. I whistled appreciatively. At the boat. Not the pinup. Well... maybe a little at the pinup.
A mutton chop wearing unicorn in fancy clothes came out to greet us. On his flank was a ship's helm. I assumed he was the captain.
“Name's Fair Winds. How do you do?” He asked, tipping his hat. “Ma'am.”
Lily performed what I assume is a pony curtsey.
“Name's Lily, and I'll be honest, it would be a lot better if we didn't have to make this detour.” She said.
“Nonsense, nonsense! Now you get the chance to ride aboard the Fancy Free, finest riverboat in all Equestria, if I do say so myself.”
Oh he would say so himself. All captains are notoriously proud of their vessels, even if they might as well be a pile of rotting flotsam. Fortunately, this one seemed to be in good shape. The captain took the cart from Lily and secured it to the deck. We had to wait for several hours before launch to take on stragglers.
“So, what's the cargo?” Fair Winds inquired. “I normally wouldn't ask, but since I'm working on commission here there's a bit more paperwork involved than I would like.”
“Oh these?” Lily said, poking one of the sacks in the cart. “These are special competition seeds. My friend Rose made them. They've been magically attuned for performances. She lifted a seed out of her saddlebags and squinted at it. Within seconds it had transformed into a fully bloomed rose. How the hell that was possible I didn't know, since roses grow from y'know... bushes.
“That's amazing!” I exclaimed. Fair Winds seemed equally impressed. He then went back inside to update the manifest.
“Yes yes,” Lily sighed. “The Great And Powerful Roseluck makes everything wonderful.”
Yeesh, she should really talk to Twilight about her friendship problems. Lesson Zero could have been avoided altogether if the purple unicorn had only looked to the PPPTP for a friendship report. Course, then we wouldn't have gotten to see ol' Crazyface in action.
“So what are you doing with her seeds anyway?” I wondered.
“Eh? She's a bit busy right now so I was doing her a favor by taking them to sell.”
It struck me as a bit silly that three good friends all vended different stalls.
“You know, you girls really ought to form a conglomerate. You could have a monopoly on the flower business and RUTHLESSLY CRUSH THE COMPETITION!” I gleefully suggested.
“Hmm...”
Lily scratched her chin thoughtfully. An evil grin crept onto her face. I can just bet that she was imagining their rise from a small town business into a soulless megacorp that ruled the market with an iron hoof.
“Why Fudge, I do believe you've come up with a capitol idea!” Lily declared with a rather posh accent.
“Just remember, when you make it to the top you're a 'Captain of Industry'. Not a Robber Baron, regardless of what the insignificant peons think.” I advised. 
“The workers exist to be exploited! Strikes occur so that you know who to fire!” The magenta mare cackled with a twirl of an invisible mustache.
There exists the significant, neigh, extremely high possibility that Lily... is a silly pony.
(Me gusta.) Said Fudge-brain.
Finally it came time to get underway. We were both rather annoyed at having had to wait all that time for not a single soul more to show up. The passengers that were already aboard even  more so. It was already late enough that we were going to have to stop somewhere along the way and make it an overnight trip. No sailing downstream in the dark. That would be unsafe. Fortunately, the cabins we were provided with were fucking fantastic.
Fair Winds wasn't just boasting when he said this was the best riverboat around. The whole interior of the vessel made me feel like I was on the set of Maverick. My four poster bed was frigging enormous and comfy as hell, with fancy red silk sheets and the softest pillows I've ever felt. I suspect pegasus feathers. Fluttershy could probably make a killing if she sold her feathers regularly. Heck, it's not like she flies all that much anyway.
As I continued to inspect my sweet digs there was a knock on the door frame.
“Lily?” I asked.
A pair of legs appeared and waved about in mystical patterns before retreating out of sight. Then they returned, a gigantic pitcher of orange juice held in one hoof and a large bottle full of clear liquid in the other swaying back and forth enticingly. 
I physically cannot understate that how these hooves were holding things held a much, much lower priority to me than what it was they were holding. Now, I can't read a word of Equestrian. It all looks like a bunch of lines and so much squiggledy shit to me, but let me remind you that I was a sailor. I know a bottle of vodka when I see one. Lily poked her head in, eyes twinkling mischievously.
“While I was just thinking that I could use a drink, I have to ask: How are we supposed to pay for all this? No bits remember?”
“Fudge.” She started, her face growing deathly serious. “Everything's on the house. Courtesy of the royal coffers.”
My jaw hung open in disbelief. 
“I'm sorry, I could have sworn you just said something about free booze.”
She nodded, grinning again.
I had just reached Shangri-la, achieved Nirvana and found the Promised Land.

Author's Notes: I am well aware of the possible geographical problems in this story. BUT I DON'T CARE!
> Ch. 5: Everything's Worse With Bears
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ch. 5: Everything's Worse With Bears


Eris sat down at the table, sizing up her opponent. It was wearing the form of a little girl, smiling at her in an insufferable way that suggested there was no possibility of loss. Its legs dangled from the chair it sat in, swinging back and forth.
It spoke in the voice of a great multitude.
“I am pleased to be seated across from a fellow god of chaos. Some of these others are too orderly for my liking.”
She did not respond, instead looking down at the world.
“This is your pawn? Are you sure you can make use of him? He seems to be a bumbling oaf.”
Laughter.
“You underestimate me. That's understandable. Most do, but never twice. I am the Changer of Ways. An oaf was exactly what I needed. And what about your wolf? You allow it to run unleashed. Senmurv may go where you least expect.”
Its voice was irritating, and it was a braggart. Why the theatrics? Why the obvious taunts? Just what kind of game was taking place here anyway?

*     *     *

So it turns out that drinking with an open door is a good way to attract attention. Incidentally, Lily and I were dragged from my room downstairs to where a party was taking place. Even though we had no money, somehow we found ourselves in the middle of a poker game with stacks of chips piling up. At some point, Fair Winds joined us and began a round of drinking songs. I was rather shocked by how bawdy some of the ponies' songs were. To my surprise they looked to me for a tune. Knowing I was in the company of a riverman, I felt the urge to poke some subtle fun at him. I began a rather somber number as opposed to the raucous verses of the others, improvising with the lyrics a bit: 


“When first I landed in Stalliongrad, I went out on a spree.
Me money alas I spent it fast, got drunk as drunk could be.
And when that me money was all gone, 'twas then I wanted more.
But a man must be blind to make up his mind to go to sea once more.

Once more, boys, once more, go to sea once more!
But a man must be blind to make up his mind to go to sea once more.

I spent the night with Angeline, too drunk to roll in bed.
Me watch was new and me money too, in the morning with them she fled.
And as I walked the streets about, the whores they all did roar:
'There goes Jack Spratt, the poor sailor lad, he must go to sea once more!'

Once more, boys, once more, go to sea once more!
There goes Jack Spratt, the poor sailor lad, he must go to sea once more!

And as I walked the streets about, I met with the Rapper Brown.
I asked him for to take me on and he looked at me with a frown.
He said: 'Last time you was paid off, with me you cut no score.' 
'But I'll give you a chance and I'll take your advance and I'll send you to see once more.'

Once more, boys, once more, send you to sea once more!
I'll give you a chance and I'll take your advance and I'll send you to see once more.

He shipped me on board of a whaling ship bound for the distant seas.
Where the cold winds blow through the frost and snow and strongest rum would freeze.
But worse to bear, I'd no hard weather gear for I'd spent all money on shore.
'Twas then that I wished that I was dead and could go to sea no more.

No more, boys, no more, go to sea no more.
'Twas then that I wished that I was dead and could go to sea no more.

So come all you bold seafaring men, who listen to me song.
When you come off them long trips, I'll have you not go wrong.
Take my advice, drink no strong drink, don't go sleeping with them whores!
Get married instead and spend all night in bed and go to sea no more.

No more, boys, no more, go to sea no more.
Get married instead and spend all night in bed and go to sea no more!”


If Fair Winds got the jest, he didn't show it, clapping right along with the others. There were several pegasi on board. Apparently they were on their way to a “Junior Speedsters Reunion.” I immediately demanded that they do the chant. This was met with both a resounding “NO!” and surprise that I knew about that.
Mentally berating myself, I resolved to be more careful about saying things that I should have no knowledge of. Although last time I did wind up getting to travel with a pretty cool pony.
One of the pegasi, a powder blue stallion by the name of Zephyr kept giving me dirty looks. Probably because his sister Sirocco who was sitting beside me, kept giving me naughty looks. She was clearly sloshed. When I returned after taking a bathroom break I sat down on the other side of Lily instead. Sirocco pouted.
Speaking of my companion, the ever dainty Lily was somehow drinking all of us under the table. Even me. Back on earth I had developed a pretty herculean tolerance for booze, and now I was in a body that weighed several hundred pounds of muscle. She even called a couple ponies lightweights! Soon enough everypony at the table had blood in their alcohol systems. It was time to stop before somepony died. Or worse, vomited all over the place. What? The Fancy Free was a damn fine boat.

*     *     *

It was fortunate for everyone on board that I am not an ordinary man. I possess a special ability. A... super power, if you will. Years of naval life have granted me the capacity to wake up from a drunken stupor as if I were sleeping normally. Yes, I know, lesser men lack this awesome power and it is what leaves them vulnerable to such things as dicks being drawn on their faces or  being transported to the middle of a pond on an inflatable raft.
Or bears.
Yes, I said fucking bears. I dunno whether it was the beasts' roaring or the ponies screaming that woke me up, all I know is that I was out on the deck in ten seconds flat. There, I beheld the pants-shittingly terrifying sight of a gigantic purple bear composed of stars. But more frightening than that was the fact that it was coming straight towards us. And it looked hungry.
Ponies were running around screaming like chickens with their heads cut off. None of us had even the slightest idea what to do. That was when I saw Lily passed out on the deck. She must have fainted. The ursa major continued to advance towards us as if the boat were a can of potted meat. That was when something inside me just sort of clicked.
(No you don't you big purple fuck!)
To be more accurate, it was fortunate for everyone on board, that I am a complete moron. I leapt onto the bank and started yelling for the beasts attention, thinking that I could maybe lead it away from the others. At first the monster ignored me, going after the greater number of targets. I picked up a rock and threw it as hard as I could. It probably wouldn't even have felt it except that the stone smacked it right in the eye. The beast roared with rage and the chase was on.
I could feel the ground shake with every loping stride it took, and I knew I didn't have long before it caught up with me. I dodged between trees but this only served as a momentary hindrance, as the living constellation knocked over the redwoods like they were weeds. Its hot breath was like gusts of wet, rancid wind at my back.
The bear lunged forward and attempted to swipe me with its massive paw. Thankfully I was a great deal smaller than it was and so I managed to roll out of the way. Acting on total instinct I ran beneath the bear and between its legs, causing it to become confused. It bent its neck down to look beneath itself but I was already exactly where I wanted to be. Knowing that there was only one place I could be safe from its paws I jumped up onto its hind leg and started climbing.
Soon I was right over its tail. The damn thing tried running in circles like a dog. Then it tried to shake me off but I had a strong grip on its fur. Annoyed at something it couldn't eat, the bear decided to go back for the boat. Well, I wasn't having any of that. As the monster approached the vessel I knew exactly what I had to do.
I stuck my horns in its ass. The effect was about what I expected. It yelped in pain and took off running, extremely fast. It was with great difficulty that I managed not to be flung from the behemoth's hide. It smashed through the trees, not caring at all where it was going. Then the  inevitable happened: It tripped.
“Oh SHIIIIIIT!” I screamed as the bear started to tumble. 
I started scrambling sideways as it fell and by some miraculous bout of luck I wasn't crushed to death, and somehow managed to still be on the bear. Now it was on its back and I was directly between its hind legs. It was then that I discovered that this particular ursa major was male. Exceedingly male. At this point, there was really only one course of action. 
I punched it in the nuts.
Immediately afterward, my first thought was:
(Hey, minotaurs can't fly!)
That's right. Minotaurs cannot fly, and yet there I was soaring through the air. The agonized convulsion of the bear had finally managed to fling me off of its body. I promptly crashed into a tree, striking it with the back of my head and blacked out.
When I woke up a couple of ponies from the boat were looking down at me.
“I think he's okay.” Fair Winds said.
I heard a voice calling out to them but couldn't quite make out what it was saying.
“Yeah! We found him!” The captain yelled.
“Thank Princesh Shella... Cellery!” Sirocco slurred.
I got up, trying to clear my groggy head. If I thought the forest before had looked like a disaster, it now looked as if the hand of an angry god had come down with a vengeance. As I surveyed the scene the female pegasus hugged me, quite unexpectedly. How the hell she had even woken up was quite frankly beyond my comprehension.
“You shaved us!” She declared. 
After disentangling myself from her drunken embrace the unicorn trotted over with a huge grin on his face.
“Mah boi, you've got no idea what you've done do you? Come here, you have got to see this.”
I followed him along for quite a while through the demolished stretch of woods before we finally came to the edge of a cliff. I looked over the edge and was stunned at what I saw. The forest below was an expanse of petrified trees. The fossilized monstrosities were much larger than the living trees around us. But much more impressive was the bear impaled on one.
Yes folks. I killed an ursa major by punching it in the balls.

*     *     *	

When I returned to the boat I found Lily in her cabin, now conscious and crying softly. Well, I couldn't let that stand so I knocked on the door frame and said:
“Bear Exterminator! I heard you have a beary big problem?”
“Fudge!” She shrieked.
Lily jumped off the bed and plowed into me, knocking me on my ass. She pounded on my shoulders with feeble blows.
“I thought you were dead!”
“Oh. Uhm. Sorry?”
At that point she stopped hitting me and looked into my eyes.
“That was the stupidest, most idiotic... bravest thing I've ever heard of.”
Then she kissed me. A lot.
I broke away, certain that my green face was now bright red. Lily looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
“What? The big strong minotaur is embarrassed by a little kiss?”
(LITTLE?! YOU USED TONGUE! I SPECIFICALLY REMEMBER THERE BEING TONGUE!)
“Hey you two. You've got rooms. Use either of them.” An annoyed Zephyr walking down the hall said.
Now we were both embarrassed. Lily got up and retreated into her cabin. She glanced back over her shoulder at me with that look. You know the one. The look that says: “Well?” 
Civil war erupted in the Land of The Cranium. The “Used To Be Human, She's A Pony” army squared off against the “Always Preferred Kirk To Picard, Now Obey Your Prime Directive!” faction. 

Doesn't take a genius to figure out who won.


Author's Notes:
Second day? There should be an achievement for that. Jack? Knightmare? Eat yer heart out.

MEANWHILE... AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE, A CERTAIN DEITY FINDS AMUSEMENT!
> Ch. 6: It Ain't Easy, Bein' Cheezy
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter 6: It Ain't Easy Bein' Cheezy


A miracle happened. Somehow I didn't have a hangover. Maybe Bacchus was watching out for me or something. I don't know. I could feel the boat moving, so apparently we were already underway. Rolling over, I saw the first of many images that would stay with me for the rest of my life. Sunlight was streaming in through the cabin window, creating a halo of soft morning light around around the bed. Have you ever woken up to discover that your perception of the world has changed? I have. Honestly, I wondered why the angels weren't singing. 
There isn't a word that I know of to describe how Lily looked that morning. Even with a crazy case of bed mane, she was... well, beautiful doesn't cut it. It doesn't even come close. How I had ever thought that Roseluck was the prettiest pony became a mysterious mystery. All the stallions in Ponyville must have astigmatism or something because they had to be blind to pass over such a... Yeah okay. Now I'm just gushing.
Lily stirred, stretching her legs and yawning adorably. When she opened her eyes and smiled, I think I died a little.	
(Holy shit Pete, get a hold of yourself for fuck's sake!) Brain commanded.
“Shut the hell up, brain.” I told myself.
(Well okay then, I guess you've got it bad. Have fun with that.)
“Oh, I have every intention.”
“Morning.” Lily said in a syrupy voice.
She moved closer and nuzzled my ear. There was some very graphic snogging at this point, but I'll spare you the details. 
“Hi.” I finally replied.
“Think there's breakfast?”
My stomach growled. All I'd had to eat since coming to Equestria was a bunch of flavorless grass. In the drunken debauchery of the previous evening, dinner had been forgotten. Also, in off chance that you need a reminder, there was a gigantic fucking bear. 
“I sure hope so.”
Lily went into the bathroom and came out a short while later with a mane that was no longer going in random directions. It was however, dripping wet. I swallowed hard. Jebus.
She caught the look on my face and grinned from ear to ear. Then she sashayed out of the room, her tail swishing back and forth. Thanks Lily, looks like it's going to be a cold shower this morning... Oh who am I kidding? TOTALLY worth it.


*     *     *


The fact that nearly everypony else was still passed out in bed meant that we had the dining room all to ourselves. I stared at the spread before me with glistening eyes. Remember where I was complaining about being a herbivore? So as it turns out, all those deserts and sugary stuff that you see ponies eating on the show... are actually a staple of their diet. And mine. Colgate had to be rolling in bits like Scrooge Fucking McDuck. But none of that mattered at the moment. No, not even the chocolate. What did matter, was a barrel that had the distinctive freckled face of my favorite hat-wearing mare painted on the side, winking mischievously. 
It was full of apples. And not just any apples, sour apples. My favorite. I approached the barrel with awe. Lifting a fruit to my nose I inhaled the scent. I think... that I may have had a nosegasm. I'm pretty sure you know what happens next: I started chomping apples like crazy.
“Woah, Fudge, slow down. If you eat all those apples you'll get a tummy ache.” Lily admonished.
“FURGET YOU, AH KIN EAT ALL THESE APPLES!” I shouted, cramming more of the crack-like fruit in my face.
Actually, no I couldn't. Maybe if they had been red I could have traveled through applespace, but again, these were sour. Despite my best efforts my lips quickly became so puckered that I couldn't eat another bite. My shoulders slumped. I am disappoint.
Lily laughed at me! Then she gave me a glass of milk, the origin of which I absolutely refuse to speculate on. After relieving my mouth I decided to have some of that aforementioned chocolate. Somepony had come up with the idea of putting frosting on brownies. Oh em gee, can you say 'Sorry Twilight, there's a new smartest pony in town'?
Right about then, a bunch of hungover ponies started to shuffle into the room like zombies. Sirocco flopped onto a bench like a sack of potatoes. She immediately fell asleep again. Zephyr nudged her awake and attempted to feed her. Lily and I watched these poor souls with amusement. They really needed to learn how to handle their liquor, especially when it's free.
“I wonder how long till we reach our destination.” Said my little blonde bombshell.
“No idea, I'm new around these parts remember?” I replied.
Then I saw the look in her eyes. She was not asking for the sake of conversation.
I smirked, leaned in close and whispered in her ear:
“...Cutie Mark Inspector!”
She had to stifle a fit of giggles at that one. Then she gave me that grin that I was growing very attached to.
“321GO!” She yelled, and leapt off the bench, racing for the stairs.
“Hey! You cheatyface!” I shouted, chasing after her.
Yeah, so at this point you're probably rolling your eyes. Maybe you're even one of those people gagging at the amount of saccharine. You know what? I can say with no uncertainty that those hours were the happiest of my life. That being said, fuck you.


*     *     *


I found myself wondering if ponies smoked. Now there's something you'll never see on The Hub. Wait... what the hell am I saying? Everything we just did was something you'll never see on The Hub. God I hope so at least. Anyway Lily sure looked like she could use a light. She was practically melting into the mattress as if her bones were liquid. Now I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong. Don't go thinking that I'm trying to brag or anything here. T.M.I secret? She did most of the work.
I lay there feeding Lily grapes from a bowl of fruit I'd swiped from the table before our mad dash, pondering the nature of the two of us. What exactly were we? I mean, we had practically just met. Yet here we were fooling around and being completely silly with each other. Was this just a crazy adventurous fling for her? I knew she had a lot of Rose-based frustrations. Was this her way of working them out? As crazy as it sounds, I had already definitely developed some feelings here, and the idea of just being used was upsetting. Then again, I suppose I had used her a little myself. Dammit Pete, you asshole.
'What's this?' You ask. 'Getting laid causing a man emotional distress?' Again, fuck you.
Then Lily asked the most cliched thing I've ever heard in my life:
“What are you thinking about?”
Oh boy. How to respond? Hell, I'd been honest with her till this point. If I started lying now, Applejack would be disappoint. And I just can't go and disappoint my favorite Cutie Mark Crusader's big sister now can I?
“Well, us Lily. That's... if there is an 'us'. This was all rather sudden you understand, I mean we haven't even gone on a date and I haven't even bought you dinner yet or...”
She gave me the 'You're babbling adorably' look.
“Do you want there to be an 'us'?”
“Well... yeah, I guess I do. You're fun to be around, and not to mention easy on the eyes.”
“Aww. That's sweet Fudge.”
I was rewarded with a peck on the cheek.
“There can be an 'us' if you want.”
Initiate Awesome.exe
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EAT BROWNIES... LIKE A BOSS!
GUZZLE VODKA... LIKE A BOSS!	
KILL BEARS... LIKE A BOSS!
GET A GIRLFRIEND... LIKE A BOSS!
“Like a boss.” I whispered.
“What was that?” Lily asked.
“Nothing to worry about. So, what's a babe like you see in a mug like me anyways?”
“I think you're funny. Plus, I like my guys rugged.” She said, rubbing one hoof under my beard and the other across my abs. “Also, you sing real pretty.”
“Really? First time I've heard that one.” I replied, surprised.
“I'm serious. You've got a great set of pipes.”
“Uh... thanks, hotflanks?”
We shared a laugh, then she poked me in the ribs with a grin.
“Serenade me already! Sing me an Earth song. Something sappy, with extra cheese!”
“Something cheesy huh? Hmm..”
I thought about it a while, and then it hit me. I grabbed a banana from our pilfered fruit bowl and used it like a pretend microphone. I then began one of the most gloriously cheesy love songs ever written by the hands of man.


“Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown.
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb.
I was soft inside. There was something goin' on.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
...Hold me closer and I feel no pain.
Every beat of my heart, we got something going on.
Tender love is blind, it requires a dedication.
All this love we feel, needs no conversation.
We can ride it together, ah-ha.
Makin' love with each other, ah-ha.

Islands in the stream! That is what we are!
No one in between, how can we be wrong?
Sail away with me, to another world.
And we rely on each other, ah-ha.
From one lover to another, ah-ha.

I can't live without you, if the love was gone.
Everything is nothing if you got no one
And--”


I never got to finish that song, because Sirocco started screaming. Lily and I exchanged worried glances and raced out of the room. For some reason she felt compelled to grab her saddlebags as we left. We made our way down the stairs and out onto the main deck where a scene of terror was taking place.
Zephyr was nailed to the deck, a spear through his chest. A pair of diamond dogs were dragging away a kicking and wailing Sirocco. More dogs were climbing up the sides of the Fancy Free, smashing through windows into the passengers cabins. A pair of small boats had been lashed to the side. One of them seemed to be packed full of ponies, the other was empty.
A one eared dog leapt down from above and pointed a spear at us.
“More slaves!”
Slaves? Oh hell no! I lunged at the dog, catching him by surprise. We fell into a scuffle and I grabbed his spear, yanking it from his grasp and tossing it over the side. He growled in anger and I narrowly managed to avoid him sinking his teeth in my arm. I slammed my forehead into his snout, eliciting a scream. Word to the wise? Bovine skulls are really hard. I stood back up and tossed the dog backwards overhead. There was a satisfying splash.
I turned around and saw three more of them advancing on me with nets in hand. Fuck that shit. I lowered my head and charged, bowling one dog over and slamming into the other two, sending them flying. Unfortunately for me, these diamond dogs had come equipped with a “Watch out guys, we're dealing with a badass over here.” plan. I was hit in the face with some kind of glass vial. Goddamn that hurt, but not for long. Because within a few seconds I was knocked the fuck out.
When I came to I was lying in a heap next to the boats. All the passengers were crowded together in a group surrounded by a ring of dogs with spears. I started to struggle to get up but Lily put a hoof on my shoulder and shook her head sadly.
“There's too many of them. Anyone who fights back dies.” She said. “I don't want you to die.”
Soon we were herded onto the empty boat and began making our way down the river, but not before the dogs set the Fancy Free on fire. We watched it burn to the waterline as it disappeared in the distance. I looked at the ponies on the other boat and saw their faces. They were gaunt, expressionless faces. Everything they had witnessed today was just another event in an unending series of horrors.
I knew then that it wouldn't be long before we looked like they did. What I didn't know was that our situation was about to get worse. Much worse. The nervous looks that the dogs were giving each other should have been a clue. As we made our way downstream, unseen eyes were watching us closely from the trees. 
Then the wind shifted, and the dogs began to howl.


Author's Notes

Cutie Mark Inspector has totally got to become a thing. 

Also, hey guys, remember that story description? And the tags?
Yeah. So do I. 

*sighs and puts his head down*

So do I.

> Ch. 7: The Heart of Darkness
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ch. 7: The Heart Of Darkness


A pair of trees on each side of the river came crashing down with perfect, well rehearsed timing and blocked the waterway. The lead boat smashed into the trees with a thunderous crack. Our boat then rear ended the first. How they weren't crushed to pieces I don't know. The dogs leapt off onto the bank and formed a defensive circle, scanning for enemies. Then a deep, booming voice called out from everywhere and nowhere.
“Hullo gentlemen. I came here to take your lives this day.”
When it happened, it happened quickly. More dogs came charging out of the trees, leaping at our captors with spears held high. It was a frenzy of blood and death, dogs falling on both sides. Eventually I couldn't tell who was who anymore, all the dogs looked the same to me. Yes I know that's horribly racist. I don't give a damn.
The battle seemed to be evenly pitched, until the dirt in the middle of the fray exploded upwards in a shower of debris. An absolutely enormous figure emerged from the hole. This guy was easily as big and muscular as I was, and as I think that I've established... I'm fucking huge. He threw a punch that connected straight with his opponent's muzzle.
The dog's face exploded. That's the best I can come up with to describe what happened. I held a shuddering Lily against my chest to shield her from the sight of the carnage. The dog fell dead in a heap and the giant wasted no breath before attacking other enemies. He clearly had no hangups about fighting honorably. Two dogs had locked spears and he simply walked up and punched one in the back of the head, sending a pair of eyeballs flying off into the trees.
The battle was over not long after. The ambushers tossed their dead foes into a pile and set it ablaze. Then they turned their attentions to us. Whatever slim hopes that any of us might have had that this was some kind of rescue were quickly dashed to pieces.
“Get out of boats.” A dog snarled, waving his bloody spear.
Each boat was quickly herded into two groups on the riverbank. As we huddled together  wondering what was to become of us, I stroked Lily's mane in an attempt to comfort her as best I could. I'm afraid it was of little use. She was trembling with fear, traumatized by the horrific violence she had just witnessed. And she wasn't the only one, it was obvious that most of these ponies had never seen anyone die before, let alone be murdered.
The only thing that had allowed me to not be stunned at the sight of Zephyr's body when I'd come out onto the deck was the fact that I had seen my share of violence overseas. In Casablanca I had witnessed two boys fighting in the street over a stolen video camera. One of them bashed the others' skull in against the sidewalk and ran off. In Montenegro I saw one of my shipmates get shot in the neck by an Anti-American nutcase. Said nutcase was promptly lit up like a Christmas tree.
The giant diamond dog inspected both groups of prisoners and then his troops.
“Hmm. I see that my spy One Ear didn't make it. Ah well, if he allowed himself to die that just means he deserved it.” He stated.
He strode back and forth in front of the prisoners, pacing with his arms crossed.
“You now have the pleasure of working for Boxer, Alpha of the Deep Rock Warren.”
Where he got his name seemed obvious. Not only did his features match that particular breed, but it was also how he fought. A pony wailed in despair at the name. Clearly this was very bad news.
“We'll never serve a monster like you. All we'll be is unwilling slaves!” A brown unicorn with a pair of fillies clinging to his hooves shouted defiantly.
I winced, knowing that no good would come of this. He probably felt the foolish need to appear brave in front of his daughters, not realizing the harm it would cause. He should have kept his mouth shut. Poor naive bastard.
Boxer smiled, revealing a set of very sharp looking teeth. He casually walked over to the unicorn and picked up the fillies by the scruff of their necks, looking into their eyes. The unicorn started to move but swiftly had a plethora of spears at his neck.
“What are your names?” Boxer asked the fillies
“Sundrop.” The yellow foal said fearfully.
“T..t..Taffy.” The blue one stammered.
He set the fillies at his feet and tussled their manes. Then he smiled at the unicorn again, who by this time had gone very pale.
“I prefer the term employee over slave. I find it better for morale. Regardless, you will all work for me and the wage that you will earn will be your continued existence... However,” He said. “I'm afraid I just can't let an insult like 'monster' go. A little petty I'll admit, but one simply must maintain proper discipline. As I am a generous employer... I'll even let you pick which one of your daughters gets to live.”
“Wh.. what?! You can't!” The unicorn yelled.
The smirk fell off of Boxer's face and he narrowed his eyes.
“Now you're in the business of telling your employer what he can and cannot do? I suggest you make your choice and quickly or else I'll end them both.”
He grasped the fillies by the head and began to crush their skulls with his gargantuan paws. I felt sick, not only at the atrocity taking place before my eyes but at the fact that I was powerless to stop it. Eventually the foals began screaming in pain.
“You're killing them.” Boxer said in a mocking tone.
“...S...SUNDROP!” The unicorn shouted.
The alpha stopped squeezing and smiled once more.
“Now was that so hard?” He asked. “Well, I'm feeling a little extra generous today, so I think you can keep the both of them as long as your mouth no longer causes trouble.”
He let the fillies go, but neither of them moved.
Ohh, you sick fuck!
As I watched the innocent light go out in Taffy's eyes only to be replaced with the darkness of confusion and betrayal, it was then that I understood the depth of this dog's cruelty. Boxer could have killed the lot of them with ease. Instead he let them keep their lives, but shattered the bonds that made them a family. Sundrop couldn't look at her father because he had valued her life over the life of her sister. The father couldn't bring himself to look at either of them, and Taffy couldn't look at anything but him. She just stared in disbelief.
I had never actually hated anyone before that day. I mean, when 9/11 happened I hated the terrorists responsible in a sort of general and patriotic way. It was one of the reasons I had joined the navy. This was the first time I found myself actually hating an individual personally. And for the first time in my life I felt the urge to kill. When I had fought the dogs before it had been pure instinct and adrenaline. But the things that I found myself wanting to do to Boxer? ...They scared me. Lily seemed to sense that something was wrong and hugged me tighter. Now she was the one giving the comfort.
The alpha snapped his fingers and his subordinates began widening the hole he had emerged from and creating an earthen ramp. When this was completed the first group was herded into the tunnel. The three that Boxer had made examples of didn't want to go anywhere at first, but after a vigorous prodding with spear butts they trotted after one another.
Soon, our group descended into the darkness. I kept my hand on Lily's back as we walked blindly. There were no torches or glowing gems, just the endless black that enveloped us. Apparently the diamond dogs navigated more by scent than anything else. We walked for what seemed like hours before we were finally allowed to rest.
When the dogs opened up a hole to the surface, the stars were out. There was no sign of the river, but to my surprise we were at the lake I had come across before, my shoddy construction job having collapsed following my tactical retreat from the spider. Several dogs stood sentry, scanning the skies in case of pegasi as we were taken to the water.
You know the saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink? Yeah, that's bullshit. You hold a ponies' head down long enough and he'll start to drink or drown. Only one or two even tried resisting anyway. We were all thirsty. We didn't get to rest long before we were forced back down into the tunnel.
I found myself growing more and more horrified by how far this tunnel ran. The farther we went the more likely that it should have been discovered by the Princesses guards, yet clearly had been in use for quite some time. Now I'm no deep thinker, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that somepony must be responsible for this. That thought filled me with white hot rage. The idea that somepony was actually profiting off of their own kind being enslaved was hard to stomach. No, this was not the Equestria that I knew and loved. Not at all. If I ever met Lauren Faust we were going to have a serious talk.
I have no idea how long we traveled. We popped up at several more watering holes before we finally were allowed to sleep. Lily slept in my arms. As tired as I was it was a long time before I finally managed to fall asleep. That night, I had a rather crazy dream.
I sat cross-legged atop the volcano, surrounded by corpses. They never stopped coming. I showed them my papers from Luna, the ones that said I wasn't really a wanted criminal. But they were greedy. They said if they killed me they would just claim they never saw the papers so they could still claim the reward. I guess a one million bit bounty was just too high. Oh well, anyone who would do that sort of thing deserved what they got.
Justice was justice after all. And if I ended the lives of a few dozen crooked bounty hunters while waiting for my quarry to show himself? It was a useful warmup. I had no doubts that the one who was coming would be a lot tougher than these nobodies. He was supposed to be some kind of badass killing machine after all. Not that it would help him in the slightest. 
I found myself thinking back on the words of the prophecy. This fight was supposed to usher in some kind of apocalypse. Doesn't matter. Prophecies are always full of shit anyhow. Plus, he still had to pay for what he did. There could be no compromise, not even in the face of Armageddon. His crime was one that set my blood to a boil.
Slaver. 
The word filled my brain with a fire much hotter than even the magma flowing beneath this mountain. I would make sure he died in inches. It would be slow and agonizing, not like the deaths of the murderous fools around me. Theirs' had been swift, merciful deaths. Justice never needed sharpening. It cut cleanly and efficiently. No, this one would die by my fists. I would teach him exactly what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass.
As I meditated on the brutality I was going to inflict, I heard the sound that I had been waiting for all day. The sound of wings flapping loudly caused me to open my eyes. At last, the one I had been waiting for had arrived.
"So, you're the one that wants me dead huh?" He asked. 
Motioning around towards the bodies he continued "Looks like you've been busy, but did you really need to kill these guys? I doubt they would be much trouble."
“I wouldn't have killed them if they didn't deserve it, just like you're going to get what you deserve. After all, men go to prison... dogs get put down.”
He let out a low growl in the back of his throat. I guess my insult was effective.

I woke up feeling really confused. What the fuck was that all about? My dreams usually involved sexy babes and doing stupid shit like recklessly driving a jet ski through Samuel L. Jackson's private lagoon and throwing a wad of cash in the faces of the security guards saying “I'm fucking rich! Screw the rules, I have money.”
Must be a combination of stress, anger and fear. I wasn't scared for myself, it was Lily. I was scared to death of what was waiting for us at our destination. I couldn't bear the thought of something bad happening to her, and every waking moment I was filled with a greater and greater sense of dread.

Author's Notes:
I edited the previous chapter, as I forgot to write in the description of the dog Fudge tossed overboard having one ear. 
Now, you might have been thinking to yourself that nobody could possibly be worse than the assholes responsible for sending ol' Zeta Chi on his roaring rampage of revenge. And you would be wrong. 
Horribly, horribly wrong.
> Visions Of The Future: Dies Irae
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Visions Of The Future: Dies Irae


How long had he been here, wandering these halls? Time had become a rather distant and alien concept. Somewhere along the way he had forgotten what the passage of time felt like. How things had been when he was out in the world where things were ruled by cause and effect, chance randomness and the machinations of scheming gods.
The grand irony of this place was that nothing ever changed here. His body never needed to be fed or relieved. His body never fatigued. Even sleep was taken from him. He was not allowed to dream. That would be a blessed escape from the endless cycle that he was stuck in.
A true maze would have been heaven compared to the endless corridors of pure white hell. The only thing that broke up the monotony of the labyrinth was when he would come upon a chamber, and then...
Then he would watch as his life played itself out before his eyes. From conception to the present, he would watch everything. Every moment of his life would pass in front of him. Every decision was a crossroads that would lead to a different destination. Each time he watched was a different variation, a different version of What Might Have Been.
How many chambers had there been? He couldn't remember. He didn't know how he hadn't gone mad already. Or perhaps he had and was unaware of it. There was no way to be certain. The only certainty here was repetition and the blandness of slightly curving hallways without twist or turn.
Another chamber, another life. The most banal part of it all was that most of the Changes were tiny, miniscule things that barely affected anything. And yet, he wondered if at some point he would come across a chamber that would show him some tiny decision on his part that would have lead away from the road his life had taken.
There was one good thing about this place. He couldn't feel anything. He knew that he should be in pain. He remembered the way Pinkie had reacted the day that they had met. The cheerful poofiness had gone out of her mane and tail, making them hang limp and lifeless. She asked him why he was smiling when he didn't mean it. His response was that if he didn't keep smiling through it all then he was liable to start crying and if that happened he didn't think he'd be able to stop. 
Pinkie Pie resorted to drastic measures. She read his mind, and sent in Fluttershy.
At first, he hadn't wanted to burden the Element of Kindness with his problems. But somehow she had managed to get him talking. It was like opening a floodgate. He told her everything he had told Celestia when she had questioned him. Everything that had happened since that day in the library so long ago. Fluttershy put her hooves around his neck. He had finally gotten his hug.
And he cried and he cried and he cried.
She had come to visit every day while his body mended. She walked with him in the garden and had tea with him in the afternoons. She had wished him luck the day he left, to “go get the big bad wolf.”
He missed her. That thought filled him with surprise. He shouldn't be able to feel that. He shouldn't be able to feel surprise. He felt even more surprise to find that his other emotions were still missing. A voice called out to him from down the corridor. He looked up from the floor in front of his hooves to see a hooded woman in a white robe. He couldn't see her face, it was shrouded in a strange white glow. All he could see was the brunette hair hanging down on the sides.
“Hello Peter.”
That voice. It was so familiar, yet he couldn't place it. It wasn't Tzeentch, of that much he was certain. The Changer of Ways had appeared in the form of a child and the feeling he got from this woman's presence was a gentle, comforting one. Being around Tzeentch had felt like being dropped in a pit of snakes.
“Who are you? What are you doing here?” He asked.
She shook her head.
“For your first question: Who I am doesn't matter very much. Just think of me as an imaginary friend. For the second... I'm not supposed to be here. Fortunately I've masked my presence. Not even your master could know where I am. I came here because we're running out of time.”
“Time?” He asked, puzzled.
“Come with me Peter. I need to show you what you've missed during the two years you've been gone.”
“Two years? It's really been that long?”
“More or less. Things have changed since you last set hoof in Equis.”
She took his hand and lead him down the corridor to another chamber. This time it wasn't his past that he saw. But it was something equally awful. He watched the battle of the Smooze. He watched Celestia struck down. He watched the destruction of Canterlot and Ponyville. He watched as they attempted to rebuild and get on with their lives. The sheer weight of what he had missed brought him to his knees. He was thankful for whatever weird property of this place was keeping him from feeling grief.
The woman knelt and gently put a hand on his shoulder.
“You need to go back now Peter.” She said. “They need you.”
“There's no way out. I can't go back. You have to help me.”
“I can't do that. It took a great deal of effort just to get in here. You're the only one who can open the door.”
“I don't understand.”
“Your master brought you here for a reason.”
He remembered the words Tzeentch had said the day he had fought with the wolf. The day he had stepped through the arch:
"Is not the only constant in the universe Change? Some day all this will be dust, and even the stars above us will flicker and grow dim. Your life is but a tiny candle in the darkness, and your death an afterthought shorn of meaning by its insignificance. Come, little one, and let me show you how your flame can burn bright."
“Take hold of the power that you've been offered Peter. The moment you entered that first chamber and emerged with your sanity intact, it's been inside of you, waiting.”
And he felt it. A surging, writhing power welling up from deep within. The power of magic, bubbling and roiling. Chaos magic. It was the essence of Tzeentch. He was scared to touch it. Oh, there was another emotion.
“Don't be afraid.” The strange woman said. “And in case you need some incentive... let me show you the present.”
She touched his forehead with the tip of her finger, and he saw. 
They were dying. They were all dying! While he was sitting here in this labyrinth, Equestria was dying... And there was so much suffering. It was then that all of the emotion from the thousands of lifetimes he had witnessed in this place hit him like a truck. All the pain, all the misery. And all the rage.
He grasped onto that rage, focused it, condensed it into a single point. They needed him. They cried out for someone to save them from their suffering. He couldn't stand it any longer.
“No more.” He said. “No more!”
Purple lighting erupted all around him. Raw magic unbound by any spell. It lashed out at the wall of the labyrinth, tearing open a hole in the pocket dimension. He drew the axe from the belt at his side and stepped through the portal. Even as the labyrinth started collapsing around her, the woman smiled... and disappeared.
Fudge made a sound then, as he stepped out onto the battlefield where chaos reigned supreme. A sound he had not made since he had lost himself in the madness of bloodlust that day on the sand an eternity ago.
“WAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!”



Author's Notes:
No I will not tell you who the hell that nice lady was.
	
> Ch. 8: Subterranean Homesick Blues
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
O Fortune! 
Like the moon, you are changeable, 
Always waxing or waning.

Hateful life, 
First oppresses, and then soothes as fancy takes it.
Poverty and power, it melts them like ice.

Fate – monstrous and empty.
You, whirling wheel, stand malevolent.

Well-being is in vain and always fades to nothing.
Shadowed and veiled, you plague me too.
Now through the Game, I bring my bare back to your villainy.

Fate, in health and in virtue is against me.
Driven on, 
And weighted down, 
Always enslaved.

So, at this hour and without delay, 
Pluck the vibrating strings!
Since fate strikes down the strong man, 
Everyone weep with me!



Ch. 8: Subterranean Homesick Blues

It was quite the clever setup really. The Deep Rock Warren was positioned just so that nobody would ever think to look for it. That's because it was neither in Gem Fido nor in Equestria. It was in both, running right along the border like a snake. And like the name implied, it ran deep. I would say something snarky about Minecraft and hope that they hit lava, except that it would be slaves doing the digging.
When we reached the Warren we were exhausted from our march through the seemingly endless tunnel. Our captors were met by another group, lead by a stern looking dog with the features of a Malamute. He wasn't as big or muscular as Boxer, but he still looked like one tough customer.
“You return victorious as ever I see.” He said in a baritone voice.
“Indeed Silverfang. The information we received from our spies panned out, those boys near Tailton got hit hard. As they made their escape they pulled a smash and grab on a boat full of ponies. They never saw us coming. Well, it's been a long march. I must rest now, I'm sure you can handle things here.”
“As my Alpha commands.”
I was rather surprised. I guess the diamond dog leaders are more intelligent than their minions. Which meant that this guy must have some kind of rank. Boxer and his dogs went underground, and that was the last we saw of him for a long time. The Malamute looked us over, his face an expressionless mask. Then he said:
“All of you listen up as I'm only going to say this once. I am Silverfang, Beta of this warren. From now on you will do exactly as you are told, no more and no less. I know that some of you have seen life under another alpha. That was then, this is now. The other alphas are stupid and inefficient. They waste their resources in idiotic displays of dominance. Here, we do things differently. If you do as you are told, you will not suffer needlessly. Fail to obey even slightly, and you will be punished.
As you came here in two distinct groups I see no reason to split you up with one exception: Those of you from group one who have foals, go with Ironmaw. Those from group two, go with Longtail.”
We watched Taffy, Sundrop and their father be lead away by the one called Longtail, wondering what was going to happen to them. We never found out, because we never saw them again. I hope they're okay. I felt bad about the being relieved, but it seemed like Lily and I weren't going to be split up so at least we had something to be happy about. Soon the beta disappeared, leaving us in the charge of his minions who led us underground.
Deep Rock Warren was divided into five different mines: diamond, emerald, ruby, sapphire and amethyst. Group one got taken to the ruby mine, while those of us in group two were sent to the sapphire mine. We got lucky.
Inside the warren light was provided by gems and torches, allowing those of us without advanced olfactory glands to get around. As we trudged down a long tunnel an old female diamond dog was handing out cloaks. They were dark blue and rather raggedy looking things. We were told to put them on and not to take them off as the cloaks identified which mine we belonged in. When it came to my turn she looked me up  and down, annoyed at someone of my size. She tore a strip off the bottom of Lily's cloak and tied it around my arm.
“You wear for now.” She growled. “Stitchy make bigger one later.”
After that we were filed into another tunnel that came to a fork. To the left, a mine-cart rail trailed off out of sight. This was the main shaft, a place we would come to know quite well as the days turned into weeks. From here, carts full of sapphires would be hauled from deep in the mine up to the surface. There they would be taken by carts to who knows where. I wondered how they kept the surface operations a secret, but that was something I was unlikely to find out.
To the right the tunnel led to the cells. They were actually rather roomy, as prisoners were kept three to a cell. The bedding consisted of piles of straw and old, almost certainly flea infested blankets. A trapdoor in the floor opened up to reveal a flowing torrent of water beneath. As one could guess, this was the privy. I immediately assumed that anybody attempting to escape via the water was in for a smelly, disgusting drowning.
Lily and I received a double blessing, by not only winding up in the same cell together but also that there was no one else to put in with us. It kind of disturbed me to think of anything good happening here as a blessing, but weren't separated and we had extra room and more importantly we had privacy. We stuffed the blankets in the farthest corner away from us that we could. The warren wasn't cold or clammy like a cave. Besides, we had each other for warmth.
Having thoroughly checked the straw for rats and finding none we lay down on the floor. Lily rested on my chest, trying to nuzzle a hole in my neck. She reached into her saddle bags and produced roses for us to eat, removing the seeds and putting them back in the bag. I found they had a nice flavor. At the very least, we had unlimited snacks.
All the prisoners had been searched for bits, other valuables or possible weapons, but everything else they let us keep. That was how little importance it was to them. The diamond dog that had checked us was annoyed at how we were dirt poor at the time. He sneered at the seeds he found in Lily's bag, throwing a paw full at our faces.
As we lay there together, we heard the sound of banging on the bars. We looked up to see the old female from before flanked by two guards, standing there with a large bundle of cloth. The guards opened the cell and she threw the bundle at my face. It turned out to be a minotaur sized cloak. Unlike Lily's there was no hood. Made sense, seeing as it would be impossible for me to put on what with the horns and all. So it was more of a cape, really. I didn't mind so much. Plus, since it was newly made it was in relatively good condition. Truth be told, ever since I was a boy I wanted an excuse to wear a cape.
“Put on.” The bitch growled. “Stupid moohead too big, make Stitchy work extra.”


*   *   *


We were extremely surprised to find that our foreman was a pony. A bright red unicorn with a chunk of rock on his flank to be exact.
“Alright you chumps,” He began. “I'm Stalagmite and I'm in charge here and what I say goes. From now on you're Work Crew Eighty Seven. Line up and sound off. The number you wind up with is your new name so get used to it.”
That was how Lily became Number 40 and I became Number 41. We were taken down the tracks to where the sapphires were dug. There we were shown the tasks we would be assigned the following morning. As it turned out, neither of us wound up doing any digging. Lily was put on the bucket brigade, scooping up buckets of gems from the piles that the diggers made and sending the bucket down the line to where they filled up the hoppers that would empty into the carts. I can only imagine how monotonous her job was, endlessly repeating the same thing over and over again. As for me, I was assigned to pull the carts, probably because of my size.
I played down my strength considerably so that I wouldn't end up hauling any more than three carts at a time. I didn't dare try for any less. Stalagmite was pleased to have me on his crew. As the days passed, with my help he was meeting his quotas faster than ever. I wondered about that a lot, how a pony came to be in charge of other pony slaves. I wondered how he could be happy that I was making the dogs even richer.
Since I knew that asking him outright would just earn me a beating, the conclusion I came to was that he was a turncoat. Probably he had been captured and offered his expertise as a miner in order to save himself from a life of drudgery. He made me sick, in more ways than one. The hate was growing inside of me with every passing day. Whenever I saw a pony receive a beating for slacking off I began to fantasize about Stalagmite turning his back on me while standing in front of an open shaft. Sometimes I would imagine holding his mouth open and putting him beneath the hopper, forcing the rough and uncut sapphires down his throat.
I hated what I was becoming, and I hated Stalagmite even more for it. You see, Silverfang  wasn't exaggerating about the way things worked here. Most of the time, it was just a matter of making it through the day. But whenever someone did mess up, the beatings were as savage as they were immediate. The result of all this? The prisoners actually started trying to work harder. They wanted nothing more than to please their captors. If the dogs were happy, they were happy. It was a sickening insight into the world of Stockholm syndrome. I refused to let that happen to me. I would haul my loads only because I had to. 
I found it strange, other than Boxer, my hatred for the dogs wasn't all that much comparatively. Once Lily and I had been in the mine for a while we became aware of the division of power that was in place here. The dogs who were loyal to the alpha were as cruel as he was, taking delight in the beatings and... other punishments that they doled out. The other dogs? They all followed Silverfang, and they were as cold as ice. His dogs only acted out of necessity. We Blues were lucky that the sapphire mine was run by them.  They just punished infractions as they occurred. They didn't come up with excuses to beat us.
Meanwhile in the ruby mine, the pony that would shape my entire future... was suffering.

Author's Notes: I hate interim chapters. They cause writer's block and are the bane of my existence.

> Ch. 9: Threads of Fate
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ch. 9: Threads of Fate


Late into the night, when the cells had fallen quiet Lily whispered in my ear:
“Shoo be doo, shoo shoo be doo.”
Well well. Lily, you naughty mare. Over the course of our imprisonment, the subject of everyone's favorite underwater equines, the seaponies had come up. Naturally, this had lead to me singing an acapella rendition of one of the catchiest and weirdest musical numbers ever. Explaining that one took a while. Then our conversation drifted into... different waters if you catch my drift.
(See what I did there?)
Ever since then, “shoo be doo” had become a sort of codeword for “seapony style.” I didn't really get why land ponies found it so kinky, but whatever. It made my mare happy and that's all I cared about. I didn't even charge extra for it. Just as I was about to set all engines to full, we heard the sound of hoofsteps and paws approaching our cell. Lights from gem torches lit up the corridor.
God damn it all.
After quickly disentangling ourselves we looked up and were surprised to see Silverfang and two other dogs standing outside the bars along with a pony in a red cloak. Irritated at being interrupted, I'm sure you can understand how I was feeling a little bit ready to take a beating for opening my mouth.
“The hell is this all about?” I asked the beta.
“Your new cellmate.” The Malamute replied.
The dogs opened the door and nudged the pony forwards with the butt of their spears. From the frame I could tell it was a mare. Taking notice of me, the stranger hastily skidded backwards. Now, I'll grant that I do look pretty dang intimidating, but the reaction I received now was one of sheer terror.
The dogs shoved her again and she timidly entered the cell, then raced for the farthest corner and curled up in a ball, shivering in fear. I was filled with questions. What was a Red doing down here in the sapphire mines, and why was she acting like I was going to hurt her? Something was definitely not right here.
“What's going on?” I demanded.
Silverfang sighed and looked up at the ceiling.
“She got lucky. I just happened to be performing an inspection of the ruby mines when I heard her screaming. One of her cellmates was attempting to... to mount her.”
I slammed my thick skull against the bars, causing the dogs to jump back. Grinding my teeth in anger, I gripped the bars hard enough to hurt my hands. Nothing, and I mean nothing, pisses me off more than the very concept of rape.
“Why didn't her other cellmate do anything?” I asked through gritted teeth.
“Because he ate the other cellmate. Her attacker was a griffon. Tore him apart in front of her right before. He must have just snapped. It... happens sometimes.” The beta said.
I glared at him, enraged. He saw the look on my face and nodded.
“Your eyes are full of hatred Fourty One. That's good. Hate will keep you alive.”
“How can you do this? How can you do this to other people?”
He looked at me for a while before waving his minions away. After they left he began:
“Things... weren't always like this. We were blood brothers once, Boxer and I. Back then we didn't have a pack. A real pair of mongrels we were, roaming the land in search of a place to call home. And then we came upon this place. Among my people, there is a legend, a tale of a fantastic place with wealth beyond a diamond dog's wildest dreams. The Rainbow Lode. Boxer was sure we had found it. Soon enough we had a pack. But no matter how much we dug we only found the five veins of gems. We could never complete the full spectrum.”
He sighed deeply before continuing.
“Boxer was always foolhardy. He just kept digging, deeper and deeper. All diamond dogs know about the horrors that lurk in the depths, what can happen if one delves too deep. I warned him of this countless times but he just wouldn't listen. And then it happened. Boxer broke through into an old troll catacomb and was cut off by a cave in. Tons of solid granite came down behind him. Not even we can dig through that.
Now, the trolls have been gone for generations, but their tunnels are still exceedingly dangerous. Often they would set up deadly traps to keep rivals out. Sometimes they kept Titan Spiders, and those things live forever. It was a full day and half before we found a rout around the granite. I wish... I wish he had died in that cave in. What I found, was not my brother.”
His eyes grew darker with each word.
“I came upon him lying unconscious in the shattered remains of an old stone coffin. Boxer must have hit his head on it when he fell. When he finally came to, all his memories were gone. I spent a long time trying to help him remember, but he was a completely different person. When I explained our situation, what we were doing down here, he became greedy. He went out to other packs looking for new recruits... And that was where he picked up the Abominable Practice.”
“You mean slavery.” I growled.
“Yes.”
“And you didn't stop him?”
He snarled at me, baring his teeth, including the eponymous one. It glinted in the gloom.
“Do you think I didn't try?! He's an Alpha! Possibly the strongest one there is! How do you think I got my name? Boxer knocked out my fang and beat me within an inch of my life. The same dog I used to call my brother. After that, there was no stopping him. All the others saw was an Alpha putting his Beta in place. The newcomers, they revered him like a god promising riches. It's only by chance that I've managed to keep the influence that I have.
He gave us an ultimatum. Any dog who spoke out against the Abominable Practice would live to see their families die. Those without families, they would become slaves themselves. Don't stand there and ask me why we accept our fate when you do the same yourself. Sure, you could try and rebel. But you know what would happen if you did...”
And really, what could I say to that? It was true. I hated it, and in turn I hated the hate. It was a vicious unending cycle.
“Take care of her.” Silverfang said, walking away into the darkness.
Then I turned my attention to the frightened mare. While the beta had been talking, Lily was busy attempting to calm her down, telling her that she was safe now. When the stranger saw me look at her she cringed and tried to make herself even smaller.
I knelt down and put my hand on her shoulder as gently as I could. She still flinched as if she had been burned.
“My name is Fudge and I will never, ever hurt you.” I said softly.
Her trembling stopped, her whole body frozen. Slowly she looked up from the floor and pulled back her hood. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw her face.
“Octavia?!” I exclaimed.
“How do you know my name?” She asked, confused.
“I'm uh... a fan.” I said.
(Sorry Applejack, but she's in no state for 'the whole truth and nuthin' but' right now.)
And it was true, I was a fan. Just not the kind she had in mind.
“Oh.” She said softly. 
“What the hay are you doing in a place like this?” I asked.
Her face took on a wild expression. Her eyes went wide, the right one twitching as her lip curled back.
“The wolf.” She seethed. “The wolf! The filthy, disgusting, awful wolf! That horrendous beast! That miserable excuse for a--”
She started coughing and Lily gave her some water from the large bucket the dogs filled every morning, holding the ladle for her.
“Slow down.” I said. “What wolf? What are you talking about.”
“It was a wolf that turned me over to the diamond dogs. A flying wolf, with wings like a griffon.”
Lily and I exchanged concerned glances. We were both thinking the same thing, that maybe her experiences had driven her batty. The cellist saw our expressions and glared.
“I'm not crazy. I'm not. There were witnesses. Vinyl was there. He let Vinyl go when he... V...Vinyl...”
Tears began to well up in her eyes and she covered her face with her hooves. Lily wrapped her in a hug, patting her back and rubbing Octavia's once illustrious mane. It had become quite ragged in her time with the dogs.
“I'll tell you what.” I said, “If I ever get the chance I'll make him pay for this. I promise.”
“You... you really mean that?” She asked.
“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
I even went through the motions.
“It doesn't matter.” Octavia sighed. “We're never getting out of here.”
She lay her head down and curled up, pulling the cloak tight around her. We settled down to sleep and about an hour later the gray mare had another coughing fit.
Lily looked into my eyes, and was she scared? You bet your ass she was.
“Fudge.” She whispered in my ear. “She has pneumonia.”


*   *   *


No one saw the figure in the white robe slip into the mines. She paused by each cell, stepping between the bars and touching the inhabitants briefly on the head before moving on to the next. None of them stirred at her caresses save for a singular little gasp, before sinking down into dreamless sleep where the nightmares couldn't hurt them.
Finally she came to the very last one, her true purpose for this visit. His hatred had drawn her like a moth to a flame. She had been going about, to and fro across the wide world, doing her work when she had felt it. A heart crying out with a sentiment that matched the one in her own. He hated seeing the innocent suffer, with every fiber of his being. At long last, she had found the one she was looking for. 
Stepping into the cell she put a hand over her mouth. The Sight gave her pause. She had known that the so called 'Architect of Fate' held a claim on the human, but what she saw in store for him was just... ghastly. She got down on both knees, sitting at his side watching the young couple breathe together as one.
“You poor thing. You poor, poor thing.”
She blew the hair out of his eyes and brushed the back of her finger against his cheek. Then she reached out and gently stroked the mane of the mare he held. It hurt her heart to know that there was nothing at all she could do for them. If she dared to interfere, there would be dire consequences... The kind of consequences that sank continents.
Moving over to the gray mare in the corner, she petted the cellist softly and said:
“These two are about to suffer greatly for your sake. Do not forget them, ever.”
Her body dissolved into specks of golden light, rising up through the earth, out of the mines. She became the wind, soaring far far to the south. The wind blew through the slumbering village of Ponyville till it came to the little cottage at the far edge of the city limits. It slipped through the shutters that the cottage's owner always closed so diligently every night.
She glided over to the bed and reached out to the sleeper. She moved the mane to the side, it was always hiding the pegasus' face. Then she kissed the Element of Kindness on the forehead.
“Be ready little one. I have a lot of work for you, my good and faithful servant.”
Angel sat up and rubbed his eyes. The figure was gone. Assuming that it was all just a hallucination he rolled over and went back to sleep, dreaming about raiding Carrot Top's fields.

Author's Notes: 
It is accomplished. What has been done cannot be undone.
> Ch. 10: And An Island Never Cries
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ch 10: And An Island Never Cries


She was getting worse. Despite being allowed to rest, Octavia's condition continued to deteriorate. We both knew what would happen when the dogs forced her back to work. She was going to die. It was only a matter of time now.
“We have to do something.” Lily whispered to me at mealtime.
“What can we do?” I asked.
“We have to help her escape somehow.”
“Lily, that's crazy talk. We're at the bottom of a mine surrounded by diamond dogs.”
“I know Fudge. I know. Still, we can't just let her die!”
Little did I know how one tiny little word would change everything. Forever. I think back on that day a lot. I've asked myself many times if I could do things over again, and knowing what I know now, would I still have said it? Sometimes that question keeps me awake at night. The word that I said was:
“Okay.”
“We need to come up with a plan.” Lily said.
We spent all of that night hemming and hawing, debating and discussing. By morning, we had our plan. It wasn't a great plan. It wasn't even a good plan, but it was our plan. And it was all that we had. When we told Octavia about it, she didn't like it at all. Fortunately, she wasn't in a position to argue. She was the one who was dying.
It could have gone wrong at any number of times. If the diamond dogs were a little brighter, if they paid more attention, we wouldn't even have lasted an hour. Had they paid attention, they would have noticed that Lily wasn't at her station. They would have found her lying in our cell wearing Tavi's cloak pretending to be her with her hood pulled down and legs buried under the straw.
Had they paid attention, they would have seen Octavia wearing Lily's cloak climb into a half filled minecart. They would have seen as I covered her with gems. She had worn that cloak that whole awkward night we spent cuddling each other so that she would smell as much like me as possible. They still would have caught her scent, had they been paying attention.
Fortunately for us, there was a cave in. It was not so fortunate for the diggers who were buried alive. The dog's attention was diverted, and the plan went off without a hitch. I pushed that cart up to the entrance of the mine, just like I had done countless times before. A wagon was waiting to take the gems away. It had a distinctive emblem on the side, a single white pillar. It kind of looked like it was made of marble. I wondered who it belonged to. The dogs that came to unload the cart were very surprised when a pony jumped out and started running away.
They started to chase after her, but didn't get very far. They should have been paying attention. I took out the ones with spears first, catching one with a surprise left hook that sent him flying. The second I knocked the wind out of with a jab to the gut. He dropped like a rock. The draft team ran away with the wagon in a panic as the brawl ensued. There were dogs all over me at that point. It was a mass of flailing limbs and snapping jaws. Somebody blew a horn, and that was when I knew the jig was up.
There were dogs pouring out of the woodwork then, they piled on to me in an attempt to hold me down. The thing that they failed to take into account was, I'm really goddamn strong. I tossed them away like rag dolls and charged one of them into the side of the cave entrance. Just as it looked like I was getting the upper hand, a net came flying out of nowhere and tangled me up. I was promptly tackled again and landed on my back. As I looked up I saw a dog grinning down at me with one of those glass vials.
“Son of a bitch..”

I stand on the desolate rocks of the island's shore, listening to the laughter of the gulls overhead. The wind chills my armor and makes my blue cape billow. I can feel the cold even through my shirt, but I don't mind. Seeing the prison gives me reassurance, that I'm doing my job. All the monsters are locked away from my precious ponies. Even if they escape the walls, they'll never make it past the sharkwhales. I had to come out here, to get away from it all. I couldn't stand being in Canterlot for another second. It felt like the walls were closing in. Like being stuck in a labyrinth... 
They're worried about me. I know. They all drop their hints. Some subtle like Rarity, some not so subtle like Twilight. All except Fluttershy. She never says anything, and she'll never know how much I love her for that. But they're all thinking the same thing: He can't carry on like this. How long till he cracks? But they don't understand. I can't crack. I have to keep going. I have to protect them. Protect Equestria. I can't let anything happen to them. I can't fail. 
Not after what happened to Applejack. Not again. Never again.
Applejack... There's something bothering her too. She's never been very good at hiding things. It's something to do with me, but I can't figure it out. Did I make a mistake? Did I do something wrong? Why won't she say what's on her mind? Why?

I am awakened by a rather painful kick to the ribs.
“Get up moohead!” Someone snarls.
I'm in some kind of office, very different from the caverns I've been used to seeing these past months. A large mahogany desk sits atop a red carpet. Very expensive looking decorations adorn the walls, unlike anything I'd expect to see in a place run by diamond dogs. All around me are pissed off canines pointing spears.
“Get up!”
I am kicked again and quickly scramble to my hooves to prevent another blow to the ribs. It's then that figure out where I am. Sitting behind the desk in a chair of purple velvet is Boxer. Silverfang stands by his side, face expressionless. Boxer looks up nonchalantly from  a newspaper.
“That's not necessary.” He says.
The dogs relax their spears.
“Sit.” Boxer commands, pointing at the chair across from him. It's a tight squeeze, not meant for someone of my size, but I sit anyway. I understand perfectly who's in charge here.
“I'm very upset with you.” He says, but doesn't look like it.
If he expects me to say that I'm sorry, he's sorely mistaken.
“No one has ever escaped from Deep Rock Warren. Did you know that?” He continues.
“No, I didn't.” I say.
“Well, now someone has. You've tarnished our record, and now I have to abuse any notion of a repeat offense from my employee's minds. Do you understand that?”
“I know.”
“You'll have to be made an example of. I can tell just by your actions and just by looking at you that you're the sort who doesn't care what happens to himself. Therefore, I can think of only one way to punish you.”
He nods at one of the dogs and they pound on the office door three times. Then Lily is roughly tossed into the center of the room. She's wearing Octavia's red cloak, but now it looks even more ragged and worn than before. Her mane is frazzled and she sports a black eye, and several more bruises cover her body. I leap out of the chair, not giving a damn about the dogs or their spears. I start checking her for further injury.
“YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!” 
Lily grasps my wrist and shakes her head.
“Don't.” She whispers.
I am literally seething with rage. The alpha looks unperturbed.
“Did you think I didn't know about your little accomplice?” He asks. “I know everything that goes on in my warren. I know all about the two of you. Quite the ruckus you make every evening, or so I'm told.”
Lily looks ashamed, which only pisses me off even more.
“Since you won't much care about anything I might do to you,” Boxer begins, “I'll have to do something to her instead. Fortunately we have a place for troublemakers here. I'll send you along with her, just so that you can find out what becomes of your precious companion. Take them to the arena.”
Silverfang's mask slips just a bit, and I see his dismay. This is clearly not good news.
We are marched out into a long corridor. Another group of dogs is waiting for us there. They look different from any of the ones we've seen before. They're dressed in white uniforms with a diamond emblazoned on their chests. They have a large flatbed cart with them, a teal earth pony hitched to the front. I can tell by the whiteness of his eyes that he is blind. Our escorts step back as they approach.
One of them produces a velvet cloth from his pocket and a vial from the other. I know all too well what those things are for by now. He uncorks the vial and covers it with the cloth. Then he tosses it at my hooves expectantly. With a sigh I pick it up. At least it's better than getting hit in the face with glass bottle.
Lily and I look into each others eyes. She nods sadly. I pick up the velvet, put my arm around her and hold the cloth over her nose. She falls unconscious and I gently lay her on the ground. The uniformed dogs pick her up and put her on the cart. Then they look at me expectantly. I put the cloth to my face and for the second time that day I am knocked unconscious.
When I come to I am in another cell, somewhere else. Lily is lying by my side, still asleep. There are a couple of ponies, a griffon and some kind of cat person in the cell with us.
“Oiy, they's comin around mate.” A pegasus says, nudging the griffon beside him.
“So, you're the new blokes eh?” The griffon asks, sounding for all the world as if he were from England. “Bad luck all around yeah? Dunno what you sods done ta get tossed in wit us lot, but it don't much mattah now do it? This ere's the Deep Rock Ludus, the place where you an' yer mare are gonna die, 'ventually anyhow. Welcome to the arena mate.”	



> Octavia's Travels: Part 1
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Octavia's Travels
~Overture~


The gray coated cellist stood on the balcony overlooking the party. She sipped her wine and watched the ponies mingle below. How they could dance to that ridiculous “music” was beyond her, not that what they called dancing made any more sense either. She recalled the days when parties at the castle were for waltzes and chamber music. The most exciting thing to happen might be a sudden tango. Now it was all racket and noise. And she wouldn't have it any other way, because that was what made Vinyl Scratch happy. The DJ looked up from her turntables and shot her that infectious grin of hers. She rolled her eyes, her usual response to the unicorn's antics.
“Excuse me, Lady Octavia?” Came a voice at her side.
She turned and saw Twilight Sparkle standing there with an eager look and a ledger in tow.
“Oh, Twilight. Quite the lovely soiree isn't it?” She asked.
“Yes, quite.” She began, and then Octavia knew she was winding up for a pitch. “I was wondering if I could borrow a moment of your time...”

General Whiteflame? Oh I could go on and on about that minotaur! So lionhearted and gallant. The Chess Pieces came in all sorts, as you well know. Most of them are scoundrels and rogues to be certain. But there are a few who are different. Some who are dedicated and noble, like the General. I remember the night that I first met him... How could I forget? 
That was the night that I was almost raped. 
Shocking, I know. But those were dark days, you must remember. So very dark indeed. It began like a typical day in the ruby mines. We were awakened by the clattering of spears on cell bars. One of my cellmates, Rhubarb, grumbled as he usually did at the diamond dog's wake up call. Talon, the other, was already awake, staring at me. I should have known that something was wrong. 
The griffon had been acting more and more erratic as the week had gone on. He kept giving me these strange looks, his gaze lingering just long enough to be uncomfortable. Then he began pacing at night. He started mumbling to himself. Our cell was littered with feathers from his endless neurotic preening. I tried to ignore him as best I could. I had my own problems to deal with, not the least of which was making it through the day.
Working in the mine was hard enough as it was, and now I'd began feeling ill. It started with a cough and then proceeded to fever. I didn't know then how dangerous my situation was, until... until Lily told me what I had.

Octavia paused with her eyes closed, hoof on her chest and a pained expression on her face.
“Are you alright?” Twilight asked, “You don't have to go on if you don't want to.”
The cellist shook her head and continued.

I was a water carrier. It was my job to make sure that the diggers didn't collapse. That was easier said than done, considering how hard we Reds were driven. Somehow, I managed to get through my shift and back to my cell. All I wanted to do was lay down and sleep. I woke up when I heard Talon talking to himself. He was pacing back and forth in the corner, tearing at his feathers.
He kept saying something about food but I couldn't quite make out what it was. I tried to ignore him and went back to sleep. The next time I woke up, Rhubarb was grabbing me. His throat had been torn out, eyes full of terror. What followed was the most horrifying thing I have ever witnessed. Talon ripped him apart and started... eating him. To this day I still can't look at a griffon without recalling the sounds that he made.
The whole time I was cowering in fear. I had no idea what to do. I thought if I screamed he would kill me too. I looked up when the noises stopped, and that was when I became really afraid. Talon was just staring at me with those beady eyes of his. His head tilted sharply from side to side the way that real birds do. He started pacing back and forth, never looking away. His ragged wings fluffed out, and I knew what was about to happen. Then he lunged at me. 
I kicked and struggled as he grasped at my body, trying to get me into... position...

A shudder went down the cellist's spine. 

I screamed and screamed, despite the burning in my lungs. It was the only thing that saved me. The next thing I knew there were diamond dogs all over the place. The griffon fought like some kind of demon. They had to hit him with the knockout gas before he finally went down. They dragged him away someplace else, and I hoped it was someplace especially nasty.
I was surprised to find that I'd been rescued by the warren's beta, Silverfang. He rarely came down to the ruby mine, and only with plenty of his own dogs in tow. There was some sort of tension between his dogs and Boxer's that I didn't much understand. He was saying something and kept looking in my direction as the argument grew more heated.
But Silverfang was the beta, and that meant he came out on top.
“Come out of there.” He commanded.
I was more than willing to leave the gruesome mess that had once been Rhubarb behind. We walked for a long time, and I realized that we were headed upwards. I wasn't sure what was happening. As we entered the cells of the sapphire mine, I caught more than one look of surprise at the sight of my red cloak. We turned a corner down a long corridor of cells. As we neared the end I heard what sounded like... well...

Octavia blushed and scratched her cheek.

Heavy kissing... and then I heard an angry shout.
“What the hell is this all about?”
I looked up and saw the biggest minotaur I had ever seen in my life. Silverfang told him that I was his new cellmate. He looked so huge and strong! I was terrified. Understand that I had just been traumatized by an attempt on my virtue, and from what I had heard as we approached... well, my imagination went a little bit crazy.
The diamond dogs had to prod me with spears before I would go into that cell. When I went in, I curled up in a little ball of panic in the corner. A salmon colored mare started shushing me, saying that everything was alright.
The dogs and the minotaur talked. I didn't hear what was said, only that he was very upset. When the dogs left, the bovine approached us. I cringed at the thought of being in a cell with another male. Then he put his hand on my shoulder, oh so softly. I still remember the words that he used.
“My name is Fudge, and I will never ever hurt you...”
He seemed so surprised to find out it was me. “A fan,” he said. Hah! How could I have known that my so called “fan” was an alien from another dimension? Many Worlds. It's still hard to believe, even after all of the craziness that we've seen...


~Tremolo~


He had given her the head start that she needed. Even as she fled she could hear the brawl taking place. This wasn't the plan they had discussed! He hadn't said anything about fighting diamond dogs! He was supposed to act as surprised at her sudden egress from the mine cart as they were, so that they wouldn't associate her escaping with him. Few were the creatures that could catch an Earth Pony at full sprint, but she had never been much of an athlete and her illness made it hard to run. Now, rather than immediately setting off after her they had to deal with him first.
He had, and without even thinking twice, willingly taken their wrath upon himself so that she could get away. Tears streamed down her cheeks as the wind bit at her eyes. She was a stranger, he didn't owe her anything. The risk of helping her escape alone was above and beyond what she expected of anyone. 
So then, why? Why had he done it? What kind of a minotaur was he anyway?
He had been so furious when she described Talon's actions to him. He shook with rage, and only with Lily's gentle caresses did he begin to finally calm down. He cared more about the ordeals of others than he did his own. The only conclusion Octavia could reach... was that he was some kind of saint. If she ever made it back to Equestria, she was going to tell Vinyl all about him.  
Vinyl Scratch! The mental image of her friend spurred her onward. She ran into a forest, weaving her way between the trees as fast as her legs could carry her. The cellist knew that she had to find water. One because she needed it to survive, and two because the dogs would track her down unless they lost her scent somehow.
Stopping to catch her breath, she succumbed to a terrible coughing fit. When she was done, she saw that there was blood in the phlegm she'd hacked up. Not good. Not good at all. Placing a hoof against her forehead, she felt herself burning up with fever. All she could do was keep going. If she stopped, they would find her for certain.
Eventually, she began to hallucinate. She thought she heard her mother's voice calling to her. In her delirious state she paid no heed to the fact that the mare had been in the grave for nearly a decade now. Every now and then she thought she saw her standing between the trees, motioning for her to follow. Trailing after the phantom, her ears picked up a rumbling, rushing sound. She stepped out into a clearing and saw a fast moving river that flowed through the forest. It was exactly what she needed.
Now if she could just make it to the other side, the diamond dogs would lose her scent and she could follow the river back to civilization. Octavia recoiled when her hoof hit the water. It was absolutely freezing.
“Well, what's the worst that could happen?” She said to herself. “You've already got pneumonia.”
As she began fording the stream, she was distracted by thoughts of going home. She slipped and lost her balance. Immediately the current began to sweep her downstream. Panicked, she desperately tried to keep her head above water. By the time she managed to reach the bank, the mare was thoroughly exhausted. Dragging herself to shore, she rested against an old fallen tree, panting for breath. Unable to take even a single step further, all she wanted to do was go to sleep.
An utterly miserable Octavia crawled into the hollow log and curled into a ball. She was so cold. So cold and so very, very tired. The trip downstream had sapped all of her strength. She was just going to lie here and rest a while. Just a little while. As her eyes began to close, she thought she could hear the faraway sound of hoofbeats. Like a thousand thousand ponies all running together as one. She wanted to join them. She didn't want to be alone anymore...


~Duet~


The young goddess looked at the log and shook her head. It was a pathetic sight, although it wasn't the most pathetic way she'd seen a pony go out lately. And they all had to go sooner or later. As she approached a flash of light lit up the area. When her vision returned, standing between her and the log was a woman in a white robe. An ethereal glow radiated from the opening of her hood, concealing her features.
“Nice entrance. Very classic.” Macaria said, arms crossed.
The figure slowly pulled down her hood, the glow dying away. She shook her head from side to side, freeing her long hair from the confines of her robe. The young goddess was shocked when she realized who it was.
“..Elly? ELEOS!” She shouted.
The woman opened her eyes and stared at her. They were distant, starry eyes. The eyes of an elder goddess who had gazed long into eternity. Not all deities had The Sight, and those that did were sometimes affected very strongly by what they saw. Slowly her eyes focused, blinking several times.
“Yes, that was what they called me, once. Why I haven't gone by that name in... little Macaria! You're all grown up!”
The young goddess' normally dour expression was replaced with a grin. Eleos came forward and wrapped her in an embrace.
“Oh how I remember the days when Sephie and I used to chase you all 'round Olympus and back to Hades' doorstep.”
“What are you doing here Elly?” She asked.
Her radiant smile faded, a frown slowly forming.
“We're the same you know? Our work never ends.”
“Oh, speaking of which, this will only take a second...”
As Macaria tried to step past her Eleos' arm shot out, blocking her way.
“No.” 
“But, it's her time...” She said, confused.
“I said, no Macaria. You can't take her. ”
She pursed her lips and put her hands on her hips. 'No' was not a word she was used to hearing.
“Whats this all about? Ponies die all the time. They've been dropping like flies lately.”
Eleos turned her gaze towards the north, wringing her hands. They were shaking.
“Someone very... somebody made a great sacrifice so that this mare could make it back home. I intend to see it so.”
Macaria's eyes widened.
“Don't tell me that you've.. You've got a Favorite! You never play Favorites!”
“There's a first time for everything Carrie.”
Her eyes grew dark. No one had called her that since she was little. It only served to remind her of the fact that Elly had left. Just vanished. When she'd asked her mother about it, Persephone had been vague and cryptic. Just another reason they didn't get along.
“It's still her time. Like you said, I've got a job to do.”
She tried once more to move forward. Eleos erupted in a ball of whiteness, knocking her backwards and incinerating all of the grass around herself in a twenty foot diameter, her true form so bright that it was painful to look at. She couldn't even make out the details. Had it been a mortal looking upon her, his eyes would surely have been burnt out of his skull.
“I WILL NOT ALLOW HIM TO SUFFER IN VAIN!” Her voice boomed, causing Macaria to cover her ears. 
It was too much. She had to shield her eyes, unable to stand against the light of the elder goddess in her full glory. What's more, the memories she had of Eleos were that of a cheerful babysitter. Somebody who laughed and played games with her and never even scolded her for misbehaving. Unlike mother, she had always explained in her gentle, caring way why what she had done was wrong. She hadn't even thought the woman capable of raising her voice. This... this was so radically different from the kind and loving soul she had once known. It was terrifying, even for someone who considered herself tough as nails.
“E..Elly..” She started, struggling to her feet.
The light faded away and she stood there looking just as she had before, wide eyed with her hands over her mouth. She wore a shocked and regretful expression.
“I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I don't know what came over me, I just..”
“Is he that important to you?” Macaria asked incredulously, before she could stammer out further apology.
Eleos looked up at the sky, a distant twinkling in her eyes.
“...He's going to build it.” She said. “He's going to build it with his own two hands.”
“It?”
“Though they may not know it,” Eleos began. “They're searching for a place, these mortals. A place where they can live their lives in peaceful days, with no violence or stealing. A sacred land, where they can truly live together in Harmony. A place which they call...”
“Paradise.” Macaria finished. “But Shangri-la is a nowhere-land, and Equestria was as close a place to it as any. You really think he can build it? Is that what you saw?”
“What I saw? ...Even if the future isn't set in stone, I'll put my faith in that man. Because I've seen something of me inside of him. But before he can build anything, he's got such a terrible price to pay. It's going to cost him a piece of himself. A precious piece that can never be recovered. And... that's why this matters so much to me.”
Macaria shook her head from side to side. Was this what having a Favorite was like? She knew that goddesses sometimes got a little bit crazy when it came to their pet mortals, but this was something else entirely.
“You win.” She said with a smirk. “I just can't deny that kind of devotion. I guess Tavi gets to live another day. Well, I always did like that mare.”
Eleos breathed a sigh of relief and began walking towards the log where the cellist lay.
“Elly... why did you leave?”
The goddess stopped in her tracks and slowly fanned her fingers out over her belly. Then, with a sad and wistful smile she glanced back at the setting sun.
“...One day Carrie, maybe one day I'll tell you.”
She placed her hand on Octavia's brow, and with a gust of wind they were gone.