These are the memoirs of a man who has spent many years in Equestria.
These are the memoirs of a man who has spent many years in Equestria. Josef Dirgin is a man who grew up in the combat zone, a city within a city that sees constant gang warefare. As a teen he injects some stuff that alters his DNA and becomes a god among the mundane. But what happens when the god among the mundane meets the mystical?
To start this off, I must pose two questions. The first being, how long does it take for your life to go from mediocrity to completely off the rails. The second, and the harder to answer, is what is it like to be a god amongst the mostly mundane. The first question is answered with a simple split second. What was it though? A bullet through the head? Did I get bitten by some highly venomous snake and not get anti venom fast enough? No, I’m on the other end of the spectrum. I’m more alive than ever; stronger than ever, faster than ever, smarter than ever! Although, I was never that bright so I’m glad to have breached mediocrity with my brain. Everything else though, extraordinary. That green stuff from that one doctor works wonders; although I must admit I look more like a movie monster than a man anymore. Black eyes and yellow teeth like a madman; my skin looks more rotted than a dead man’s. My DNA was rewritten, and all it took was some green gook that tasted like two weeks old, sun baked sewage.
Now, for the second question. Well, that’s the rest of my piece. My catalogue of everything that happened after I ended up in that wonderful land of whimsy and cheap booze. What place could that be, Germany, Ireland, Russia or Finland? Nope, it’s not on Earth. It’s on some rock floating somewhere in the galaxy of wherever the hell it is. That ‘It’ that ‘It’ it’s, Equestria. Not the name I would have picked for it. Although, it fits since they seem to have some obsession with horse related puns. Ponyville! Canterlot! I mean there is even a place called Saddle Arabia. It fits though, in a land full of walking talking ponies, puns rule I suppose. I bet the planning committee had a ball on that one.
Now, I grew up in a combat zone. It’s the kind of place you see on those gangland documentaries. Although instead of the occasional drive by or some guy getting shot at his favorite restaurant, it more like plastic explosives being planted around homes to either kill the rivals or destroy their home. Hell, once I saw a guy drive a jeep down the street gunning down the few cops that had stayed in the city once the violence went full out, as well as anyone wearing the wrong colors.
Sure, it was a fucked up situation, but don’t feel bad for me! I injected that green shit into myself at age thirteen and the first side effects I noticed were incredible regeneration and well above average dexterity. I basically saw fights in slow motion, hell, I still do. How did I learn about the regeneration factor? I told you, it was a fucked up place for fucked up people, and I pissed off a fucked up person. He put two bullets into my chest! Don’t get me wrong, just because the bullets were pushed back out and the wound was closed within a couple seconds, I felt it! The pain of begin shot, it was very real. He started to run, and I made sure he never got the chance to pull the trigger ever again.
It was several years later and most of the side effects had set in. The black eyes might have been less than pleasing but it gave me…well not a whole lot in the world I was birthed from, but I can see traces of magic. It’s hard to explain really. Imagine a small cloud of pure color. Hmm, maybe it’s not that hard to explain. I learned how to use a gun affectively. I carried two magnums, a nine millimeter, and a small submachine gun. I never missed. For close quarters, I was never a fan of martial arts, I’m more of a whip out a machete and start chopping through people kind of guy, and you know what? That’s exactly what I did.
I was basically making the best of a bad situation. If you had superpowers and a city full of people trying to gun other people down, what would you do? You would probably do what I did and have some fun. Don’t get it twisted though, I’m not a good guy. I’m not a hero. Some people thought I was, no, I’m what you might call a “circumstantial hero.” If there weren’t so many guys worse than me I probably would have found some other ways to practice and hone my art. I was thinking about mercenary work, and that first job was how I ended up in that pun riddled land.
It was simple, some down on his luck kid whose parents had died a few weeks ago was willing to pay everything he had to exact revenge onto the perpetrators; I was more than willing to take it. They were hiding out in some warehouse, and when I got there it was like clockwork. Some people would have chosen to be stealthy, nah. Bust open the door, two gangbangers dead. Next corridor another one dead. Then there was the main room, talk about a pig sty! Beer cans everywhere and the place smelled of bad weed. I emptied two clips of my MP5 into them and cut down their leader with, and I don’t like to toot my own horn, the precision of a surgeon.
There was a buzzing behind me. I thought it was something dangerous, and I know damn well you would too! I didn’t even look, I turned around and fired my shot. It was my first miss I had in ages, although later I would know that was because of magical interference. You’ve no idea how glad I am I missed that shot, because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here to talk about that missed shot. I guarantee you my removal would not have been pleasant. To this day, to this fucking day there are four creatures that truly scare me with the amount of power they possess. Their names, Twilight Sparkle, Celestia, Luna, and Discord. If they want me dead, I’m dead; no ifs ands or buts.
I thought I was seeing things though, there was a portal opened up, a hole in the space time continuum! And in that hole, stood a purple alicorn, and a white one with a rainbow mane that I will admit is rather nice looking. If I was braver I would ask her if it tasted like cotton candy, and if I had a death wish I would find out myself.
“Amazing!” The purple one exclaimed as she stared at me.
“Careful now.” The white one said to the purple with a motherly tone.
“Who, and what the hell are you!” I believe that was the first time I ever struck a disrespectful tone with them, and it was one of the only times.
“We are Equestrians!” The purple one exclaimed once more, but this time something strange happened with the tear. It rippled.
I should have ran right then and there, but I was intrigued. I had spent so many years doing the same thing day in and day out: Get up, eat breakfast, get dressed, shoot people, pilfer their pockets for booze money, get shit faced. It was a routine I enjoyed but I was certainly getting bored with it.
“Talking horses, not gonna lie, I haven’t seen that one before.” I said walking up to the ripple to get a closer look. They were in some laboratory that looked like something straight out of Game of Thrones. Yes, we might be in a total war zone, but we still get books.
“You don’t have things like us in your world?” The purple one was asking in earnest.
“No, we don’t have talking colorful horses in my world.” I answered in a sarcastic tone, back then I didn’t think it was an earnest question, but even if it was my sarcastic tone probably would have stayed. I put my guns away, they weren’t a threat.
“What are those?” The white one asked, pointing her horn at one of my magnums.
“One of my guns. It’s pretty simple. I point it at someone, I pull the trigger, that person isn’t breathing anymore.”
“It causes respiratory failure?” The purple one interjected.
“You could say that. It also causes respiratory failure, and can even shut down someone’s nervous system.”
The purple one gulped, but the white one was still calm. “So,” started the white one, “why are there so many…of those corpses there.”
“I don’t know about your world, but here, there are bad guys, I get rid of them.”
“We have eldritch horrors, beasts the size of worlds, and dark gods that walk amongst men. Yes, we have ‘bad guys’” The white one said completely straight faced.
“Yeah well…. you know what! I really can’t beat that. You win this round.” I said laughing.
The portal rippled again.
“You think it’s a joke?” The white one asked.
“Nah, all we got here is guys with guns that shoot people. Also, guys with knives that stab people. You kind of beat us on that front is all I’m saying.”
The portal rippled once more but this time it was big. The warehouse shook and began to crumple down. It was crushing this small piece of my reality. If I hadn’t of done what I did I probably would have been dust. I jumped through the portal. It could have rearranged my atoms and turned me into a sponge for all I knew, but better that than being painfully grinded into dust.
I lived though, and before me were those two alicorns.
“Well, hello there.” I said. “You’ve a place where I can rest my head. I’m kind of tired.”
They looked at me like a crazy person. Normal people would probably be thrown into a depression as they realized they would never see anyone they loved ever again. I didn’t have anyone though. Also, like I said, I was a bored. I looked at it kind of like leveling up. I was going from shooting people to shooting dragons and horrors and whatnot. Sounded fun then, and hell it was fun. Still is!
“Uhm there is a…” The white one stuttered out. Celestia seldom lost her cool, but this was one of those times. A crazy person had entered her world.
The purple one quickly piped up, “He can stay with me. I’ve always wanted to more closely study extraterrestrial lifeforms!”
“I’ll be happy a blanket and a floor.”
“Nonsense!” The purple one started saying excitedly, “I have an extra guest room I’ve been dying to get some use of.”
“Then it’s settled.” The white one said, “But, if you are to stay in this world you should know both my name and the name of the one you are lodging with. I am Princess Celestia, a member of the triumvirate that rules this land. The other is Princess Luna who is currently absent on another duty. This is Princess Twilight Sparkle; she is my student. Although, to be honest she has learned nearly everything I have to teach.”
That night we left for Ponyville, and the shenanigans began.
To say my first day in Equestria was turbulent would be an understatement. Although I’ve always been used to turbulence. Hell, you must be when you grow up the way I did, but this breed of turbulence was different; very different.
It all started with stepping off that train, and come to think of it that train ride is a small story in its own. That whole ‘event’ started with my exiting the lab of the castle. Seeing the castle for the first time was awe inspiring. Artwork lined the walls, and various coats of arms were on the end of each hallway. I believe I asked about what each coat of arms represented, but I can’t remember a single syllable. I was far too busy staring at the long sleek blade that was being shown under a case of crystal. I believe that blade was called ‘Ansiel.’ It was the sword of an angel or some angelic creature at the very least. Twilight said that it was gifted after the first war with the changelings. They also say that the soul of its original wielder is still within the gem that gives the blade its power. I never let it out of my sight. Although it would be a long time before that blade ended up as my property. I’m getting well ahead of myself.
After leaving the castle she lead me into the train station. I think it goes without saying that I got a fair few odd looks. I mean, you see some strange looking alien creature just casually walking behind one of the princess’s; you would think some strange thoughts. Not a one questioned anything though. I suppose I was never that strange looking. That, or I wasn’t the first alien creature to be lead through a train station by her. I’ve the feeling it’s the latter.
That station though. It had been ages since I had seen one. There is a wall that surrounds the combat zone, no one goes in or out, except for the occasional military unit. Occasionally a medical team will also go in but that is even more rare. With that being said; I had never seen a train station. Hell, I had never seen that many people all in one area without them trying to kill each other. Funny really. Friendliness was something I seldom saw. It was welcome, if not a tad bit overbearing.
The train itself was something you would think of when you thought of traveling the country back in the forties. I don’t know why I keep using these comparisons to things you would only understand if you were human, but hell, I don’t know what else to compare it to. Hopefully you ponies reading this will be able to get the gist of what I’m talking about.
Where was I? Right, on the train I saw something amazing; people talking, and yes I will call them people. I’m of a mind that the soul is the same across any physical form, and I’m most comfortable saying people. I know, I should be amazed by talking ponies, and unicorns and magic and all these amazing things! No! It was the talking. It could have been a few people talking on a subway and it would have made my jaw gape. Bullets have always been my means of debate. So, seeing actual oratory was awesome.
I sat down on a seat from Twilight. I was just staring and dotting from group to group listening to what they were saying. It was mostly just dinner plans with a side of what they did while in Canterlot. It was an immense pleasantness for a man whose most pleasant thoughts were a time at home without having to listening to bullets wiz by. I was calm.
“So, what did you think of the city?” Twilight asked, still excited that she had found some new discovery. At that time she thought all humans were like me. No, if they were, I would be somewhere else entirely.
“It was amazing,” I said, taking a sip of the cider that had been provided by one of the attendants, “this is what I wanted. A change of scenery. I think this’ll be fun.” Even then I was a cocky bastard. Although, I had earned my cockiness.
“That’s great!” She seemed genuinely happy.
That sip of cider was heavenly. The cup was of a fine wood with crystal on the inside. I felt the faint warmth of the cider even through all the layers. The drink itself was the best thing I had ever had. I won’t compare it to anything I had drank in the old world. It’s in a different league entirely. At the time, I thought it to be akin to ambrosia. Every sip was another trip into nirvana. You’d think I was a crazy person if you saw me at that moment. I was slouched in my seat with my tongue most of the way out of my mouth. I couldn’t control myself.
The ride was mostly silent. I stared outside the window at the countryside and she simply let me enjoy the scenery. It’s the little things. It’s the little things that are gifts in this world that I enjoy so much.
Around half way through the trip though the train halted at some stop that only had two ponies standing at it. They were wearing sunglasses, and bandannas that covered their mouths. It looked silly, and only made it sillier when they declared they were robbing the train. One was a rather bulky one that could probably crack a skull or two if he ever tried. The other one was a unicorn that was white. Although unlike Celestia his white was far from perfect. It was splotched with brown and covered in dust and dirt from the wilderness.
Twilight looked angry, and her horn began to glow.
“Chill, let me handle this. Might as well repay you for the hospitality.”
She saw me pulling out my magnums, but before I could fully take them out she said something that I never like to hear.
“Okay, but you can’t kill them.”
“Damn…” I whispered under my breath, slowly putting my guns away.
Now, I might be a firearms expert over anything else, but hell, it was a little unicorn and a horse I was feeling confident. I stood up and got into the isle. Immediately the big one looked at me and with a surprisingly shrill voice he said, “Oh do we have a hero here?”
I couldn’t help but laugh historically. He was a tad bit bigger than your average work horse with that voice. I almost fell over when I first heard it.
“You could say that yeah. Although I don’t like to identify as a hero.”
“What even are you,” the unicorn piped up, “some kind of hairless chimp.”
“Don’t worry about what I am,” I cracked my knuckles, “worry about my name. Josef Dirgin. A pleasure to beat you.”
I know I probably shouldn’t have given them my real name, and later it would bite me in the ass, but at the time I couldn’t think of an alias. It’s not like my name is Shirley or something silly.
The work horse charged me like a bull. He was aiming to kill, and unfortunately I didn’t have the same luxury. The aisle was too small to move to the left or right, so I jumped. One of my feet smashed into his head as I grabbed the bars at the top of the train car. The hit hurt, it hurt him bad, but didn’t knock him out. I dropped back down and whipped out the best one liner I could think of at the moment.
“Looks like you just got booted.”
I said it was my best, never said it was good or made any sense whatsoever. The unicorn was pissed and tried to cast some weird force thing at me. It was like being tickled by an invisible feather. I’ve this strange feeling that wasn’t the original idea of the spell, but hey, when you suck you suck. That spell being casted was the first time I noticed that the black eyes were a benefit. I could see where the magic was. If I can see it, I can dodge it. The next thing he shot out at me was swiftly avoided and he was on the ground with one swift punch to the noggin.
“Brother!” The workhorse shrieked at me as he charged once more.
You see boys and girls; always pay attention when you are fighting. I see these fights and whatnot in what is effectively slow motion. However, it doesn’t matter how easy a strike is to dodge, when you don’t dodge it! Getting hit by a horse; it hurts like hell! He sent me through a car and a half. By all means I should have been dead. By all means I should have been dead one hundred times over due to all the shit I’ve done. I was alive. Not feeling good, but alive.
Even the workhorse thought that that strike would have killed me, because by the time I made it back in there he was riffling through purses.
“Hey kid…you just fucked up really bad.”
I was smiling, in a lot of pain as my bones rebuilt themselves, but smiling nonetheless.
The workhorse took a step back as I took one forward. He backed up until I was right on top of him.
“If you’re going to try to kill someone. Make sure you hit hard enough to do it right.” I reeled back and punched him as hard as I could. It was then that I remembered I didn’t have any kind of super strength and I heavily relied on weapons to deal with people. He bucked me again and I flew back to a similar spot that I had the last time. I even saw my ass dent!
As I ran back I began to scream, “Okay! At first I was mad, but now I’m just at a loss of what to do!”
“You should empty your pockets.” He smirked at me as if he had won.
“Nah I think I’ll just shoot you.” I pulled out one of my magnums and shot him in the front right leg in a quarter second flat. He didn’t exactly have that leg anymore. “You might want to cauterize that wound.” I said to Twilight as she looked on mortified at what I had done.
She quickly used her magic to close the wound and looked back to me. “What have you done!” Her eyes, as well as the other passengers, were wide open with a state of shock and disgust.
“You only said I couldn’t kill him and I didn’t kill him.” I stretched before saying, “Wait a minute...” I nudged the workhorse with my foot and heard a groan. “Yeah, I didn’t kill him! Besides, something bad could have happened If I didn’t step in!”
“If you hadn’t of stepped in, I just would have used magic to detain them until the local law came in and took them away!” She took a deep breath, “The only reason I didn’t tell you no was because I wanted to see how effective you were in this kind of scenario when you were not able to kill; and when I said don’t kill, I thought you would have thought that meant don’t maim ponies. Plus, there’s the collateral damage that now needs to be taken care of.”
“Hehe mane.” I chuckled.
“I said MAIM!”
“Oh.” I stretched. “Well, I guess we’ll be waiting a while for someone to take these guys away. Honestly though, I don’t know if it’s the best idea for me to be seen around all of this.” I sat back down and looked around some more. “How does Equestria treat vigilantes?”
“You really are a piece of work.” Twilight sat back in her seat and smiled nervously at all the ponies staring back. “Vigilantes are usually treated like heroes around here. However, most vigilantes aren’t alien creatures, and most of them don’t cripple ponies…”
“Hmm, well, how long should the police take to get here.”
“Honestly, no idea. I don’t exactly spend much time in the country.” Twilight took a sip of her drink.
“Those weapons that you used, what do you call them?”
“These babies? Well, the generic term is a gun, but I have this really weird feeling you want something more specific.” Sarcasm has always been something I had a bad habit of using. The amount of times I’ve been shot at because of sarcasm is innumerable. “These are desert eagles. I load fifty caliber rounds into these babies, and boy when they hit you, you really feel it. These weapons have some sentimental value though.”
“Sentimental?”
“I don’t want to talk about it. It’s kind of personal.”
“I understand completely.” Twilight smiled at me.
I might not have wanted to talk about those pistols then, but I sure as hell do now. Before all the gang warfare tore apart the city my mother was a member of the special operations unit that dealt with organized gang activity. Most of what they did was find out where the big meetings are, and shut them down. They were SWAT without all the limitations and a hell of a lot more training. Those guns, Amriel and Curmal, they got her through a lot of shit in her service days. She never let it affect her though. She would come home with her briefcase, sit down and eat dinner with the family. She would talk about the more mundane parts of her day. It was never the three people she killed off. It was more about what she talked about around the watercooler, or all the paperwork she had to fill out. I loved her.
She was a part of the team that went in to deal with the first real attack. It was a quiet day. Then…then it was very loud. There was a massive attack at the local mall. Four hundred people died that day. Among the deceased were mostly the civilians and special operations forces that walked into a complete shit storm.
I got the news the next morning. The only things that was left of her was a briefcase. That briefcase, that briefcase was the first thing that put me onto the trail of becoming who I am. Those two magnums were mine now, and for some time, I refused to use them. Every time I saw them I would burst into tears because all I would see is my mother smiling.
I used to be such a softy. You ponies reading this now, these moments of sadness are few and far between. Everything I became fell in swiftly after those guns were in my possession. Maybe some other time I’ll put in the story of how I went in and gunned down the people that killed my mother.
Hours had passed and there was no sign of the police. I laughed before saying, “At this rate I may as well have walked. How far are we from Ponyville anyways?”
“A few hours by train. You probably wouldn’t make it before the moon set in.” She smirked.
“That a challenge?”
“I’m not letting you off this train.” She said confidently.
“Oh yeah?” I stood up, but before I could take one step, my body locked up. I couldn’t move an inch. I couldn’t even speak. I was paralyzed. What I saw them, what my black eyes picked up, I learned quick what I was dealing with. Around me was a power stronger than anything I would ever see until I met Discord. Funny thing though, she’s the weakest of them all. I say that, but keep in mind the amount of power we are dealing with. I’m sure many of you ponies have read about what she has done, or hell what Luna, Celestia, or Discord have done. Magic is power; plain and simple.
A few seconds later and she let me go.
“Point taken.” I said, trying to play off what I just saw as cool.
Not too long afterwards the police had made their way onto the train. They didn’t question me. They only dragged the ponies out and put them into the cages. I wondered then, but upon hindsight I wouldn’t question the person so casually sitting next to the princess.
The train started moving again, and I was beyond relieved to get moving once again.
“So…now that that ugliness is over…” Twilight looked up at me once again.
“Yes?”
“How do you feel?” Twilight asked this in earnest.
“About being in a new alien world? Pretty good. Like I said earlier, I was bored in my world. There was no challenge anymore. I’m looking forward to seeing what kind of work I can find. I have this weird feeling finding bad guys isn’t as easy here as it was there.”
“You’d be kind of surprised actually. There are always ponies looking for others to deal with their problems…and I’m glad you’re feeling good. I was worried you were upset that you would probably never see anyone you knew ever again.”
“All my friends are long gone, my family is long gone, all that was left was cannon fodder for me to hone my craft on. I was admittedly content, but bored.” I yawned and leaned back in my seat. “Speaking of which, how am I going to get money to feed myself.”
“Like I said.” Said, Twilight as she leaned back as well. “There are always ponies looking for help with things, and there are always monsters that need to be stopped.”
“Good to know.”
The rest of the ride was silent, and we eventually arrived in the small town of Ponyville. It was bright and colorful and basically the direct opposite of what I was used to. I loved it. This has gone on for a while, the next chapter I think I will tell you ponies about the last of my welcoming into Equestria. Man, it feels good to write for a newspaper.
Alright; it’s finally time to finish up the introduction to how I ended up where I am today.
There were five ponies waiting for us when we got to that quaint station. The earth ponies Applejack and Pinkie Pie, the unicorn Rarity, and the pegasus Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. I really hope they don’t end up reading this, because holy shit are those names stupid to me. Hell, most names in this world are. I’m not making any friends with that statement, but oh well. The naming conventions are so weird here. I mean, the only names that I can think of off the top of my head that didn’t make me cringe when I first heard them were Luna, Celestia, and Lyra. Lyra was a pony that ended up becoming more interested in me than Twilight ever did. No, not in a romantic sense, it was a horse. Even if they are sentient I’m not one to commit bestiality. I’m getting way ahead of myself anyway.
After stepping off the train, those five were waiting for me.
“What the hay!?” Applejack exclaimed when she saw me.
The rest of them followed up with similar expressions of surprise. To be perfectly frank I was surprised as well. No other pony had questioned what I was doing around Twilight except these ponies. It’s only natural that her friends are more casual about questioning what she is doing.
“Um, this is Josef.” She said awkwardly, “He will be staying with me for some time while I run some tests and conduct some research.”
“Well it’s nice to meetcha!” Applejack said, extending her hoof out to me which I promptly shook.
“Yes, of course.” Rarity said in her typical way.
“Ooooo, a new friend!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed in such a way that her voice made my ears ring. “I’ll have to show you all around town and make you some cupcakes and oh I know we will have a party to welcome you.”
“I don’t think that’s the most prudent decision.” Rarity said smiling to Pinkie.
“I agree.” Twilight said as she stretched.
“Besides; I’ve never been one for parties. Also, I’m to be a topic of research for the foreseeable future.”
“Are you excited to get to work?” Twilight asked me that with a strange grin.
“I suppose. What are you going to do? Shock me and see what happens, put me under an x-ray and study my anatomy, like, can you give me a general rundown of the kind of prodding we’re talking about.”
“Yes, but I also want to put you under physical duress to see how you react to stress. You have amazing reflexes and endurance I had never seen before! Sufficed to say I am interested in every facet of your anatomy.”
“This is getting too science-y for me.” Rainbow Dash said as she started to fly away.
Rarity, with her eyes closed proceeded to say, “Science-y isn’t a word dear.”
I swear to the spirits above, if Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes any harder, they would have come right out of her skull.
We finished up our more casual conversation and began to start making our way towards Twilight’s home. It was simply a repurposed library, but I was just happy that I would have a bed to sleep on. The town itself was quaint. Don’t get me wrong though, quaint is a compliment. I truly enjoy these older looking towns. The architecture was designed after medieval human designs with their own little twists here and there. For instance, while we would use more muted colors for our homes, they would use the entire rainbow. The roads were well kept; it probably helps that they don’t drive cars on them though. The ponies there were friendly enough. None of them were too particularly excited to speak with me, but they all smiled at either me or Twilight; mostly Twilight to be perfectly frank.
The library that would become my home for the foreseeable future was built into a tree. It was massive. I don’t really have too many adjectives to describe it other than massive. The structure within the tree was composed of a main room, a bedroom, a guest room, a bathroom, a small kitchen with a lab that sat underneath the tree.
Twilight led me into my quarters, and they were all I could have ever wanted. It looked like it was a repurposed printing room. There was a twin sized bed with a desk and lamp sitting within. There was also a chair sitting right next to the door.
“What do you think?” Twilight asked as she peered into the room with me.
“Well, it’s better than anything I had ever had before. So, you know, pretty awesome.” I said it nonchalantly but on the inside I was screaming. My own room! Also, on that desk I would write my first ever piece after a few weeks in Equestria. Perhaps, if time allows, I will show it to you lovely readers.
“I’m glad.” She said with more composure than I had seen her with since we left Celestia’s lab. As far as demeaner was concerned she was usually nervous or awkward. I would have expected her to be more ‘perfect’ as a princess stereotypically should be. I guess I shouldn’t always believe in stereotypes. Although with that being said there are a fair few in this world.
“So…. would you please go further into what exactly you plan on doing to me for your research? You said you wanted to see how my body reacts under extreme stress?” I asked, stretching and sitting down on the bed.
“Well, my plan is to, uhm, how do I put this, hurt you…” She said it with a level of shame I didn’t expect from the extremely curious scientist. “You have a healing factor yes? Back on the train you must have had something like that or else that kick would have shattered you.”
“I can’t die. Plain and simple. Although, I’m going to ask that you don’t test it too much. When I got hit on the train, I felt it. I felt my bones shatter and reform. Granted that pain didn’t last long, and I have an extreme tolerance for pain, but still.”
“Not even a little grievous bodily harm?”
“If you’re going to hold me down and drive a stake through me, take it out, and watch my body repair itself, it’s what you’re going to do. I just prefer to avoid that pain. It really, really hurts. If you want to research and study my anatomy, perhaps we could do some field tests. If I’m going to be turned into goo, I’d rather it be doing something productive rather than for meaningless science.”
“Now I do like field tests…” Twilight rubbed her chin and looked back at me. “First I want to take a blood sample. After that, we’ll figure out what to do.” She smiled so innocently, but holy shit is that girl not innocent.
We ended up walking down into the lab and the place was much smaller than the lab in Canterlot. It was mostly just a table full of beakers, vials of mysterious substances, and some magical objects. The magical objects mostly consisted of runes and charms, however there was one rod attached to a small stand. She called the rod a magnifier, something that she could use to enhance her magic. Needless to say, I don’t know why she would need something like this. Perhaps she wasn’t always this strong and it was a recent development that gave her the amount of power she has. She doesn’t talk about her past all too much.
“Alright, so a blood test? Just warning you, you’ll need a really big sharp needle and a fair amount of force.”
“Why do you say that?” She asked.
“The last time I tried to stick a needle into me my body just pushed it out. Honestly, your best bet for a blood sample would be a bowl and a knife. Also, it’ll give you another chance to look at my regeneration factor.”
“Good idea!” She happily skipped over to one of the desks to grab a scalpel as I sat down in a chair with a bowl at my feet. The surgical instrument was being held by her magic and it was sharper than sharp.
“Hand me the knife, I’d rather do it myself.”
With those words spoken she placed the instrument in my lap. I picked it up and it was lighter than air itself. I brought the blade to my left wrist and with one quick rip I brought it up my wrist and let the blood flow into the bowl. Twilight watched closely as, within a second, my wound disappeared; and within another second the scar tissue had disappeared.
“That’s incredible!” She said as she walked around me.
“I suppose it is.” I said with a smug sense of satisfaction I had not earned.
My blood is not the red mess that is in most humans. It’s more of a black and green liquid when inside my body which turns into more of a sludge when exposed to oxygen. No, that blood does literally nothing for me. It’s just gross looking and smells bad. Most of my deformities correlate to some kind of power, except that, it’s just gross.
“Has there ever been anything that has stopped the regeneration process?” Twilight asked as she walked over to me to see the lack of scar tissue where I had slit my wrists.
“Never.” I was confident in that answer, because; simply, it was the truth. If I was shot, the bullet would be pushed out of my body and the wound was closed. If I was cut, the flesh would mend. If my bones were ever broken they would just realign themselves.
“I must add though,” I stood up and started scanning the room once more, “Just because it heals nearly instantly, I still feel the pain. I have nearly passed out from shock before. Granted that was when I was just learning to master my own body, but still. My pain tolerance has risen sharply though, and getting shot is more akin to a bee sting that anything else at this point. However, being bucked like that was certainly something I wasn’t used to.” I laughed.
“Fascinating!” Twilight said as she opened the door. “Well, it will take a while to analyze that sample, is there anything you wanted to do with the rest of the day?”
“I might go hunting actually. I’ve this weird feeling that there are only vegetarian options and I’ll have to find my own meat if I want any.”
“What did you plan to hunt?” Twilight asked nervously as I began to walk out the door.
“Whatever I find I guess.”
“These laws usually don’t come up very often, but hunting normal animals is strictly prohibited. You can’t hunt deer, bears, rabbits, or anything of that sort.”
“So what can I hunt? Sure, I could live off of beans and veggies, but I like a little meat to spice it up.”
“There is a job board at the pub in town square. You might find something there that needs to be done that could lead to something…” She gulped, “Edible.
“Perfect!” By the time that conversation has ended I was most of the way out the door.
“Just be careful!” She yelled after me. “There are a lot of monsters on that board that most ponies can’t handle. It’s usually only handled by soldiers and mercenaries.”
“I’ll be home late!” I yelled back, completely disregarding what she said.
The walk to the pub was a simple one. The library was near the mayor’s office which also sat on the town square. The pub itself was a typical Irish pub, except replace alcoholics with unexpectedly merry ponies drinking various ciders. In the back of the pub there was a board with various notices. The payouts were all whatever was found as well as whatever money was put up for completion. The number of bits that I would have gotten ranged anywhere from fifty to ten thousand.
“Monster, monster, monster…” I muttered under my breath as I looked over the board with these totally alien names. “Hmm, a marilith. The picture kind of looks like a snake, I’ve never had snake before but it can’t be that bad. Plus, five thousand bits. Whatever the means.”
I ripped the notice from the board and every pony in the room gasped. Apparently that post had been taken down and put back up five times. Each time the pony who had taken it never came back.
When the barkeep who had put it up each time told me this, I looked at him, smiled and said, “I’m really hungry.” I ran off towards the woods and I was on the hunt.