> I'm not Insane, I'm Crazy!
>  by frayboy15
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1 — In which I am Lost
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1 – In which I am Lost

'Where am I?'

'What am I?'

'WHO am I?'

These were the first thoughts that I was aware of when I woke up that fateful morning.  Of course, those were the questions that I usually wake to; that part was completely normal.  Not to say that I'm a slow thinker, it's just that my trains of thought have special low-friction tracks and wheels.  In other words, it takes me longer to wake up most mornings than other people usually do.  Of course, this is just my best guess because all my friends, when I asked them, reported some variant of 'ninja-like alertness' upon awakening.  I have my suspicions though.

But that's neither here nor there at the moment.  You all, or y'all, or even ye'all depending on your accent preference, didn't come here to learn about me. …Ok, not strictly accurate; you did come to learn about me, but not in the physiological sense(I hope).  This tale is about events that just so happen to include me as the central, narratorial character.  Events that describe the first day I experienced upon my mysterious arrival upon your world.

…

Miss Twilight, can you please hold your questions until I'm done with the story?  

Because it won't make much sense to keep interrupting me whenever you have a new question.  We'd be here all day!  Just… I don't know, write them down or something.

So anyway, I began my daily… well, it's not really a ritual, but it isn't exactly a habit either.  I mean seriously, I'm practically unconscious and immobile for most of it and it isn't an action or activity, it's a cerebral exercise.  Let's call it "My Morning Mental Momentum Maker" to keep with the whole train-of-though analogy from earlier; the alliteration is a bonus.

Yes, I do enjoy using alliteration, assonance, and onomatopoeia in my speechifications.  No… why would I want to do that?  That doesn't have anything to with what you just said.  Can this wait until I'm done?  How come?

…Please tell me she isn't serious.  You don't know?  Why?!  Wait… really?

Ok… I'm going to pretend the last two minutes didn't happen until I have time to obsess over it properly.

*Phew* So, I began pulling the relevant information in reverse order from the deep recesses of my vast intellect.  

What's that look for?  

I'm not being narcissistic, it happens to be… hyperbole.  

What?  You thought I was going to say it was true?  No way, I've seen plenty of situations where those kinds of statements determine the fate of the something or other and I have no desire to be the something.  Can I PLEASE get back to my possibly exaggerated exposition now?  Thank you.

So, relevant information, reverse order, ect.  I believe my exact responses were rather recursive and drawn out so I'll condense it.

In order, they were, "I am Jason Andrew Richards.  Unless and until my sisters find proof otherwise, I am human.  I am probably in bed; the temperature suggests I kicked my covers off again."

My mind found some new data and flagged my bed response as false.  My left arm was asleep and the surface I was on was no mattress.  I revised my location with the findings.  "Oh right, I'm not in bed; I'm sleeping in the terminal at SeaTac airport because my layover is over seven hours long.  My flight home is due to board at 8:40 in the morning."

In case you're wondering, my family, consisting of my two parents, one older sister, myself, three younger sisters, and one younger brother, were on a Christmas vacation in the Hawaiian Islands.  My maternal grandparents have a timeshare at one of the hotels so the trip didn't stress our finances too much.  The only problem was getting home.  We were able to all leave on the same day, but seating constraints meant that we would have to split up across three separate flights.

My parents had the earliest flight, also to Seattle.  It had four seats so they took Carol and Sam, the youngest amongst my sib's.  June, Dana, and Amber, my remaining sisters(June's the oldest), took the next flight which was headed to San Diego, California.  It left about an hour after my parents' flight so both groups would likely arrive home within several hours of each other.

Those three get along pretty well and they have that weird, near psychic, girl connection thing where they anticipate each other so it made sense for them to get the flight with three spare seats.

I was delegated to the third flight because I was old enough and I was the least likely to mind the massive layover.  It left in the afternoon and was the earliest one we could find with an open seat.  I didn't really mind much: June may have got the family laptop, which has a couple dozen gigs of videos and movies on it, for her flight, but I had my tablet loaded up with music, books, and apps and it was safely stored in my backpack.  I also had my laptop in my carry-on.  It contains a good portion of my game library, along with some of my favorite films and tv shows.  I wasn't going to be bored on the flight by myself.  The only part about the flight that I didn't like was, in fact, the layover.

I can't sleep when I'm in a moving vehicle.  I don't know why and I don't really care; it's a real bonus when I'm driving.  However, when I'm flying it's a disadvantage.  I can't sleep on a plane, and when I arrived at the airport it was after midnight so I was too tired to go online or anything like that before the next leg of my journey.

I had put my tablet away in my backpack and ran some zip-ties through the zippers to discourage any would-be thieves.  Then I put it on and lay down with my suitcase as the pillow.  It actually made for a rather comfortable pillow and if the terminal carpet had been more plush, it would have been a near perfect bed.  I ran my arm through the carrying handle on the side to keep myself from rolling around in my sleep, and yes, it happens often enough that I prepare for it when I'm not in my own bed.  

Once when I was eight, I spent the night at a friend's house and got to sleep on a bunk bed for the first time.  I got the top bunk.  Two hours later, I woke up to gravity playing Cupid with my friend's bookshelf and my forehead.  Ten minutes after that, I was at the emergency room in a daze and getting sutures for the resulting gash.  After that, I've stuck with sleeping bags.

...

Jeez... when I tangent, I really tangent.  What was the point I was making?  OH, RIGHT!  I wasn't in bed because I was in the Seattle airport waiting for my flight home to begin boarding.  Yeesh, if my head wasn't attached, I'd be chasing Ichabod through the woods on horseback.

What?  Oh, it's an obscure literary reference.  I'll explain it later, along with the rest of the questions you said you had for me.

Ok, back on track.  I was in the airport and there were daytime levels of light on my face so it was time to get up and get ready to fly home.  Of course, as soon as my eyes cracked open they slammed shut again, accompanied by a lance of photonic pain through my optic nerve.  The sun was really bright and it was shining into my face; not exactly the kind of thing I enjoy waking up to.

You too?  Cool, we have something else in common.

I extricated my numbed arm from my suitcase and sat up, shielding my face from the aggressively bright sun.  As I shook the blood back into it, I blinked the sleep out of my eyes and began to look around, trying to find the reason for the lack of airport noise.

Once my sight cleared, it took me a couple seconds to recognize what I was seeing and another couple to realize what it meant.  After that, I pretty much stopped doing anything but breath.  I was completely flabbergasted at what I saw; I was no longer in the airport, but was instead, sitting in the middle of a field of tall grass.

I'll be honest.  The grass was WAY more disconcerting than the fact that I wasn't where I went to sleep.  Christmas happens in the deep mid-winter where I'm from.  That means that snow is on the ground.  The place I was now at seemed to be experiencing a warm summer day, despite the fact that the nearest summer climate should have been over 500 miles away.

I immediately ruled out it being a dream because I was wearing the same outfit that I had put on before leaving the hotel and I still had my backpack and suitcase; that never happens when I'm dreaming.  I could also rule out a lucid dream for those same reasons as well as the fact that most of my dreams are lucid enough that I can directly manipulate them.  Since I had been aware for more than a minute and I still wasn't holding a lightsaber, I decided that I was definitely awake and there was something fishy going on.

I pulled the zip ties out of my backpack's zippers and unclipped my suitcase so I could check my inventory and see if anything was missing.  I had everything that I packed into those two bags: two tee-shirts, one turtleneck, one pair of shorts, two pairs of sweatpants, a pair of jeans, two pairs of socks, four briefs, my winter jacket, headphones, four pounds of assorted snacks, a filled water-bottle, my tablet and its cable, my four favorite books, and my laptop with its various peripherals.

Peripherals?  Those are any devices that require another to work and provide an auxiliary function.  I can show you what they are when I'm finished Miss.

So, I was in an unfamiliar location that was experiencing the wrong season, but I still had all the stuff that I went to sleep with.  All in all, I can easily imagine much worse scenarios to have found myself in.  I quickly checked the clock on my tablet, but it only confused me more.

It reported that the time was 7:33 in the morning of the same day.  I had somehow moved across almost half the planet in under a quarter of a day IN. MY. SLEEP.  I knew that my best move would be to look for the nearest town and then work on getting back home.

I repacked my bags, put my backpack on again, and extended the handle of my unicorn –yes, it's called a unicorn.  

Since I had no idea where I was and didn't know the local time, I couldn't use the sun's position to orient myself.  It could have been rising or setting for all I knew.  I did, however, identify a good landmark to help me navigate; it was a large mountain that was tall enough to stand out in a range, but had no neighbors.  It was really skinny for a mountain, and appeared to be much too steep for the casual climber with no equipment.

Despite that, the mountain was likely to serve as a navigation point for the locals.  Its base could have even been the location of the main trade center for the region.  I decided that the mountain would be my heading until I found anything more promising.  So I double checked my bags and began my trek.

It took about fifteen minutes for me to regret my lack of muscle.  Pulling that suitcase through the knee-high grass was not easy.  My arms were both tired of hauling it and I wasn't able to move very fast.  I decided to take a short break to rest my limbs and find a faster way to pull the thing.

I couldn't find anything in the immediate area that I could use, and I wasn't too crazy about continuing the way I had been.  Luckily, I had an idea when I sat down for a second rest ten minutes later.  

My backpack has a belt that clips around my waist and the cinch straps for the arms are pretty long when I tighten them properly.  I tied the straps to the handle of my suitcase and clipped the belt to hold the pack in place.  Amazingly enough, it worked!  I could walk with my hands free and I didn't feel the same amount of drag from the unicorn.  With the less cumbersome set-up, I continued walking towards the distant mountain.

After several hours had passed, I was able to make several assumptions on my location based on how the sun had moved.  The ball of light had moved further from the horizon than it was at the time I woke up, so the local time was, more or less, close to what my clock reported.  That meant I must have been near the same time zone as the Seattle airport, though not nearly as far north.  It also meant that the sun was in the eastern half of the sky, which told me that I was heading south-by-southwest.  

I was filling the relative silence with sporadic bouts of whistling and singing to keep myself from getting too bored with my apparent lack of progress.  The mountain was getting bigger, but without anything to compare to, I couldn't be sure how close it was.  The only real sign that I was moving at all was the trail of flattened grass caused by my trailing suitcase, though the grass did appear to be standing back up about half a mile behind me.  

While walking, I came across all manner of bird, rodent and weasel.  The birds and mice seemed much less skittish than what I was used to seeing, but a couple of skunks made me rather nervous.  If they had sprayed me, I would have had to deal with all of my stuff smelling like skunk stink for the foreseeable future.  But, they all seemed content to just follow me, though a few birds were brave enough to land on my suitcase and catch a ride.  

I have to admit: at the time, I thought it was the coolest thing to ever happen to me.  I felt like a modern St. Francis of Assisi –he had a way with animals, kind of like you.

Roughly four hours later, it about seven hours into my expedition, and it was getting too hot for me to continue.  I hadn't found any signs of water and I didn't want to use up my entire supply on the first day.

The animals mostly left my company about a mile back and were likely going to their nests or burrows to rest, like I was planning to do.  So I took off my backpack and did a bit of exploring in the immediate area, hoping to find somewhere to pass the afternoon heat out of the sun.

I found a shallow dip in the ground nearby and brought my bags over.  I set them up on the west side to make a shadow on the ground that I could take a nap in.  I was tired enough to fall asleep quickly and I did.

My dream wasn't particularly interesting.  It was mostly me walking towards the mountain and the various things I thought I would find along the way or when I reached it.  It was rather strange because my dreams rarely, if ever, take form in a way that lets me plan; I use daydreams for that kind of stuff.  Of course, people say reality is stranger than fiction, and I never thought that what actually happened could have ever been a possibility.

I woke with a start.  There was noise nearby and my brain was both excited and terrified by the implications.  Of course, I was also in the middle of my waking up, and the sudden appearance of consciousness left me rather confused and unfocused.  My thoughts were mostly split between recognizing my location and trying to identify the whatever-it-was that woke me.

It sounded like someone had taken a trumpet, thrown it around a couple times to warp the resonance, and then preceded to run through the scales with a few arpeggios added at random for good measure.  It was followed by about fifteen seconds- that's a quarter minute- of some more similar sounds, though about a third of the noises were at a much lower volume.  It wasn't a bad sound really, just out of place and maybe a little jarring.  From what I knew, only angry or injured animals made sounds that were as loud as the ones that woke me up.

Still bleary-eyed, I stood up and looked around.  My view was obscured by a massive kaleidoscope of butterflies, but I could tell from the ground around me that I hadn't moved while I was asleep again.  I grabbed my bags and worked on extricating myself from their flight path, but I couldn't make much headway.  I decided to put my backpack on, freeing my arms up to direct the fliers around me.  I didn't want to crush any of them, mostly from squeamishness, so I put the bag on over one arm and waved the butterflies from my path with the other.

It took nearly a minute for me to maneuver my way out of the mass of flying insects.  I was awake enough to remember that one of my science books from home said a butterfly's wings could be damaged by a glancing touch, so I was very careful to keep contact to a minimum.

Now, while the butterflies were making a surprising amount to noise with their wings, it wasn't what woke me.  That noise had come from beyond the moving mass and I'd been moving towards it as I worked my way out.  The sounds had continued at irregular intervals as I wormed past the insects, and they had also moved off to the right, in the direction the butterflies were coming from.  The loud set of sounds had again lowered in volume, though they were still louder than the rarer, quiet sounds; I figured that the two different volumes meant two different sources.

Once I emerged from the mass of migrating mariposa, I looked towards the noises to see what kind of animals were making them and I could not. believe. what I saw.

TINY PEGASI! –or is it pegasuses?  So they're both correct?  Really?  Ok, but I prefer pegasi so that's what I'm using.

There were two small, strangely colored pegasi no more than 8 feet away, moving next to the butterflies but in the opposite direction.  One of them was even flying, despite its wings looking much too small for flight.  The other was prancing along next to the flier, occasionally using its wings for jumping and gliding.

The coloration of the winged equines really had me stumped.  I had never heard of any mammals with those colors, though there were several species of bird I knew of that did.  The walker had a coat that was nearly identical, color-wise, to a canary, and its mane and tail were comparable to the hue of strawberry ice cream.  The flying pegasus was covered in a blue coat that was a few shades darker than the sky.  But its mane and tail!  Each had the entire visible spectrum contained within; it seemed like the flier was a living embodiment of the sky.

–Really!?!  That's your takeaway?  I am not infatuated; I'm waxing poetic so I can paint a better description of what I saw.  Quit that snickering, I could just as easily make a similar description of each of you.  I've seen you all in your 'natural habitats,' as it were, and I can probably get all of you to blush just as hard as she is.

Are you done?  Good.

So… they looked like no animal I had ever seen before, and I gasped once I realized the implications of my discovery.  I had found evidence of what was almost unanimously accepted as a mythological species!  The notoriety, the fame, the possibility of being able to tame one for Amber because she had wanted to have one since she saw Hercules.

Oh please, I didn't know you were people at the time so don't act so indignant.  Besides, I'm willing to bet that you had similar thoughts while she was patching me up.

Anyway, when I gasped, I accidentally inhaled a passing butterfly that wasn't holding formation with the rest.  About five percent of them, at my best estimate, were also outliers, but I was too busy coughing and gagging on the rogue insect to marvel at the odds.  I slipped my backpack off my shoulder during this so I wouldn't fall or jostle the contents too much.

Once I had hacked the bug back into open air and got the tickles out of my throat with some growling and more coughs. I looked up to see the pegasi staring at me with uncomfortably large eyes containing impressively small irises and pupils.  My feelings of awkwardness from the stares prompted me to say something to ease the mounting tension.

"Well, that was rather uncomfortable."

I was a bit surprised at how deep and raspy my voice was; I guess it was a result of my energetic expulsion of the butterfly from my esophagus.  I was just about to wipe the spittle from my face with the back of my hand when the blue one reacted.  It darted towards me at an impressive speed and spun just before impact to deliver a one-legged kick to my head.

I was already jumping back from the shock of its approach so the kick didn't connect fully, which is lucky because it would have probably killed me or at least caused brain damage–still not blaming you.  Even so, the side of its hoof impacted my forehead and made a good one-inch cut, right over the spot that has seen the most "action," injury-wise.

Now, I'm not gonna lie: that cut hurt and it hurt bad.  That blue pegasus had, through some incredible luck, struck the one spot on my head that had an injury routine.  It was the spot that got cut when I fell of my friend's bunk-bed.  It was the spot that got split open at another friend's seventh birthday party during the piñata-brake; that time I got hit with a… well, a long metal club is the best analogy I've got.  Point is, I've bled more from that spot in total than the rest of my dermal injuries combined.  Only my nose has lost more blood than my forehead, and that's only because I have gotten a lot of nosebleeds during winters.

I cried out in pain, bringing a hand up to cover the wound and using my other arm to keep my balance.  My throat was still irritated from the coughing, so the cry came out deeper than I'm used to and also caused me some additional discomfort.  Blinking the pain-induced tears from my eyes, I saw the blue pegasus looping back towards me for a second strike.  I was legitimately scared for my life now and I was beginning to panic.

I did manage, through the adrenaline, to remember something I read from a dog training manual about what to do when attacked.  Following the recalled advice, I dropped to the ground, curled up to protect my stomach and chest, and put my free hand over my head to hold it in.  I was in full freak out mode now: I was hyperventilating, my nervous twitch was present, and I was full-on crying, with both my mouth and my eyes.  I was expecting something to happen, so when I heard the shout, I cringed in anticipation of the coming pain, but it didn't come.
> 2 — In which I am Discovered
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 2 — In which I am Discovered

I was shuddering in a tight, defensive curl on the ground, anticipating the attack promised by the loud shout I had just heard.  Instead, I just heard more cries, though now they seemed to be coming from both pegasi.  I risked a glance to see what was happening and the sight momentarily jostled me from my panic.  The yellow pegasus with the long pink hair had moved into the blue one's path, keeping it from continuing its attack.  The two seemed to be exchanging harsh words, if the expressions I saw had the same meaning as the human counterpoints, but I couldn't tell if the yellow one was reprimanding its fellow for the attack, or for not letting it get the privilege of the final blow.

Look…  I already forgave you two for scaring me so badly.  I'm not trying to make you feel guilty; I'm just telling my side with all the stuff I remember.  Madam Purples over there is taking notes and I want them to be good.  So don't worry about it.  Please?

So the yellow one, definitely a female if what I sort-of halfway noticed from my fetal curl was correct, delivered a final, warbling cry and snorted at her still-flying companion.  She then calmed her expression and turned towards me.  I hunched back down, hoping she hadn't noticed I was watching them or that she wouldn't be angry about it.

I couldn't see them anymore but I could hear the yellow one slowly making her way towards me.  Preparing for the worst, I clenched my eyes shut and tensed all my muscles; I didn't want to know what was coming.

She started making low, crooning sounds as she came closer, sounding very similar to a person singing or using "baby-talk."  I still wasn't sure if I could make assumptions into her actions.  For all I knew, she was reciting a traditional death chant used when dispatching a human.  I do remember, from some of my idle research in mythology, that pegasuses were notorious for attacking humans, though I can't remember if it was provoked by us or not.  Soon, she stopped speaking and I could feel the vibration of her hoofsteps, closely followed by a puff of air on my head.  She was standing right next to me!

I had started shivering at some point, no doubt caused by the cold sweat that was coating my skin.  My muscles felt so tight, they were starting to cramp up.

That's when she finally made contact; the yellow pegasus began to gently nuzzle the arm that I'd pulled over my head.  Understandably confused by this, I relaxed my tense form and risked a glance at her.  Her face was hidden from my view by her her mane, which had draped itself across my side as well.  She resumed her song-like speech, which I guess was supposed to make me feel less nervous.

She paused her nuzzling and turned her back towards her blue companion, who I had, by now, assumed was male because of the aggressive-slash-protective behavior.

HEY!  You, of all mares, shouldn't be laughing.  If it weren't for your hairbands constantly reminding me, I would swear in a court of law that you're a stallion.  And this is the second time in a row that you've interrupted me with your laughing: show some manners for Pete's sake.  Yeesh.

So… I turned my eyes in search of the blue one, and noticed, with some mounting anxiety, that he was flying back from around a bend in the butterflies' flight path.  Clasped between his front hooves was a folded cloth patterned with alternating red and white squares.  It took me a few seconds to recognize the object; it seemed to be a picnic blanket, freshly used too, if the haphazard folds were any indication.

The blue pegasus set the blanket down next to the yellow one and moved back a few paces with what appeared to be an apologetic look on its face.  The two exchanged a few words in their strange language and the yellow one turned her attention back to me.  Taking the blanket with her mouth, she shook it open and draped it over me.  Then, she made some more crooning noises while also rubbing my back with a foreleg.  She went from the shoulders to the small, and it was only later that I realized she was sort-of petting me.

She nudged the hand that was covering my cut forehead and spoke again.  This time she sounded more like her companion; the volume was still soft, but there was a firmness to it that matched the declarations she made when she stopped her friend's attack.  By now I was feeling more sure of myself and less afraid of receiving further injury, so I moved my hand, which was sticky with drying blood, away to give her access.  She gasped softly and turned sharply to her blue friend, who I had since decided to call "Rainbow" because of the spectral mane.

Canary, my decided name for the yellow one, turned sharply to Rainbow and issued another firm declaration in their foreign language, then bent her head to the blanket and tore an inch-wide strip off the top with her teeth.  Then she used her forelegs to roll the strip into a more manageable form.  I was impressed by the feat of dexterity, but I've since discovered it isn't too uncommon among you ponies, which is a bit disconcerting to me.

She picked the roll of cloth up with her mouth and unfurled a wing, moving it gently under my head and lifting; the pressure was not hard enough to move me, but it was direct enough that I could assume she wanted me to sit up to give her better access.  I did so and she smiled through the roll of cloth, letting me know that I guessed right and that I could correctly interpret most of her gestures and expressions.

Canary applied the end of the cloth strip to my temple, holding it in place with her wing while she began wrapping my head with the ad-hoc bandage held in her mouth.  After two circulations, by which point I was decently impressed with her ability to hold things, she slipped her wing out from the fabric and finished wrapping the injury.

Meanwhile, I reached over to my backpack, grabbed my water-bottle with my, relatively, clean hand, and poured about a third of my remaining two cups onto my bloodied one.  I used the grass to wipe the remaining blood off and my pants to finish the job.  Canary had since finished her bandaging and was watching my actions with apparent interest.  I suppose now that my manipulation of objects was nearly as novel to her as hers was to me.

I was confident that I wasn't going to be attacked again and my nervousness was diminished enough that my twitch had stopped.  I pulled the blanket off my shoulders and folded it the best I could.

"Thank you," I said, handing the sloppy rectangle of fabric to her.  She placed it under a folded wing and turned to Rainbow and engaged in another dialogue that I couldn't understand.  This time, I saw their faces clearly while they spoke, and their expressive faces allowed me to follow the talk to an extent.  Canary seemed to be rebuffing Rainbow's attack as an unnecessary action, citing my lack of hostility as evidence.  Rainbow seemed suspicious, but relented by the end of their minute-long exchange.

I was riffling through my backpack, making sure that nothing, namely my tablet, was damaged when I dropped it during my coughing spree.  Nothing, namely my tablet, was, so I re-zipped all the pouches and put the bag back on.  I noticed that Canary and Rainbow had continued walking and flying, respectively, towards the bend in the butterflies' path, so I made to follow them.  They had exhibited language, medical knowledge, and textiles, so they had to have some form of civilization.  I was hoping that they could show me where I was, and from there, I could work on finding my way home.

The kaleidoscope's path hid a picnic basket, which wasn't so surprising, considering the blanket that Canary used to patch my head.  Canary returned the blanket to the basket and made to pick it up with her mouth.  She made another short burst of incomprehensible noise, at me it seemed, so I responded with a shrug of my shoulders and a shake of my head.

"I'm sorry, but I can't understand you.  I only know English," I said slowly.  I knew the be-winged equines were intelligent and I hadn't said much, so there was still a chance that either they, or someone they knew, could understand me.

Rainbow flew into my line of sight and made energetic shooing motions with her forelegs while making a mix of whinnies and nickers.  I raised a brow at that and she, I definitely knew that Rainbow was female now, landed next to Canary, who had picked up the basket.

"Really?  I'm not an animal.  If you want me gone, I'm gone.  I have a date with that mountain."  I pointed at my target, hoping they would understand my goal and maybe point me towards the nearest town instead.  The two whickered and glanced at each other, exchanging a few short… well, words really.  Just because I couldn't understand, didn't mean that there wasn't syntax.  Canary and Rainbow both seemed surprised at whatever message got through the language barrier.

The pegasi had another short discussion.  It ended with Rainbow throwing her forelegs into the air with an explosive sigh and Canary picking up the basket and trotting up to me.  She flapped her wings and lifted off the ground, rising until she was at my head height.  Passing the basket handle over a hoof, Canary made a short speech, glancing down often, and gestured off to the right of the mountain.  When she was done speaking, she looked at me expectantly.  I figured she was asking me to follow, so I nodded and pantomimed doing so.  Her face brightened with a smile and she turned to Rainbow, saying something that made Rainbow roll her eyes before responding.

After speaking to her polychromatic companion, Canary bit the basket handle again and began flying slowly in the direction she had indicated, turning back towards me long enough to indicate I should follow.  I began trekking after her while Rainbow took off and led the way, looping around in an impressive aerobatic display before dropping back to accompany Canary.

The pegasi glanced back at me every so often, likely checking if I was still following.  I was of course, and despite the pangs of discomfort from the, now scabbed, cut on my brow, my spirits were high and I was practically skipping after them with my unicorn trailing merrily behind.

Since I wasn't heading directly towards the mountain anymore, it was easier to use as a navigation point.  The mass of migrating butterflies gave me a second one, and between the two, I discovered that I had moved a lot farther than I though during the morning hike and my current, faster speed would get me to the mountain before sunset.

I had also grossly misjudged the mountain's shape when I first saw it, which was the main cause of my erroneous distance estimates.  It was about half as high as I thought and a lot narrower too.  I'm still having a hard time believing that it hasn't broke or fallen over.  I guess you don't have earthquakes here, because that fantasy-style city and castle you ponies have hanging off the side wouldn't last ten years back home.

Speaking of that city: what's its name?

…

Canterlot… well, that is moderately hilarious, yet oddly apropos.  There's a story back home about a city called Camelot, and so many people make up city names that play off of it that it's almost cliche.

So, Canterlot came into view around the mountain after about ninety minutes of brisk walking.  Nothing of note happened during that time and, by the look of things, Rainbow was getting very bored from the monotony.  She had started talking to Canary every five to ten minutes, likely complaining about how slow I was moving, right?

Thought so.

Anyway, when I saw Canterlot, I started getting suspicious.  The foundation hanging off the mountain was rather large, but there was no mention of such an engineering feat on the entire planet in anything I had ever read.  And us humans have explored nearly every square mile of land so I began thinking that I hadn't just translated across the planet before waking that morning.

For all I know, I possibly traveled through time, or even jumped to another galaxy or universe!  And this happened in my sleep!  I could have even been abducted by aliens to see how a random human would act during a first contact with another cognizant species.  I knew that if I started panicking I wouldn't stop, so I forced myself, with some difficulty I must admit, to ignore the ramifications and pretend that there wasn't some terrifyingly mysterious things going on.

The fact that the pegasi had seemed equally surprised to see me calmed me a bit, mostly because their reaction meant that they likely knew as much as I did concerning my arrival.

It took me nearly a half-hour after seeing Canterlot to come to these realizations, and a further ten minutes to dampen the mounting paranoia.  By this time, the city was fully in view and the three of us began to pass what looked like sparsely distributed farms.

A small part of me had assumed that Canary and Rainbow were children or adolescent because of their size and this same part started wondering if the farms were staffed by some other manner of creature, or if there were larger, adult pegasi taking care of them.  Since the path we were taking didn't come close to any of the farms, I couldn't quell my curiosity without striking out and abandoning my guides, which I didn't want to do.  Partially because Rainbow would probably catch me in short order, but mostly because Canary had bandaged the cut Rainbow caused and I felt like I owed her for it.

By now, the sun was making its way down from its zenith and we had made our way onto a dirt road.  This was good because a road eventually meant a town; it was bad because the occasional rock was causing my unicorn to bounce, and sometimes tip over.  I stopped to untie it after it flipped for the fifth time, deciding that my wrist would have an easier time leveling it.  I wasn't worried about tiring my arm anymore because there wasn't any grass to hold it up, just stones to avoid.

Soon, the three of us began passing other equines on the road.  None of them had wings and most either had carts or saddlebags, so my new theory was that the wingless… well, ponies is really the only word for it.  The wingless ponies handled general labor and the pegasi were some sort of military.  Rainbow's attack and Canary's medical aptitude certainly backed it up.  It was either that, or Rainbow was Canary's bodyguard.

Soon, we approached a fork in the road.  There was a sign between the right-hand fork and the road we were on, but the only symbols on it that I recognized were the arrows pointing down the three paths.  We took the right path and we soon passed into a copse of unfamiliar trees.  They superficially resembled species that I know, but they were different enough that I couldn't be certain.

After a few minutes, we came back into the open, and that's when first I saw this town.  Despite the distance, I could make out many ponies walking around the buildings and a fair number of pegasi flying above it.  The buildings I could see looked to be made of wood and most had thatched roofs.  As we neared the town, I began to get nervous again.

I was mostly nervous about how the town would react to me.  The strange looks I had been getting on the road made me pretty sure that there were no humans in the area.  Most of the ponies we passed reacted confusion or curiosity, but none of that told me anything other than that I was somewhat of a novelty.

In my apprehension, I moved closer to my escorts, which Canary noticed.  She dropped back to hover next to me and stroked the back of my head with her foreleg.  I was a little annoyed by it because, as a reassurance among most humans, that action is kind of condescending.  However, I was able to appreciate the intentions behind the action, and accept it at face value.

We finally began to navigate our way through the town, and both my guides appeared to be mutually familiar with the residents.  The cheerful sounding speech from all sides led me to assume that they, my guides I mean, lived nearby, either in the town or close enough to visit regularly.

A group of really small ponies, children was my assumption, ran up to us from several directions, chattering over each other and crowding around me and my two pegasi guides.  Both of them began speaking back to the, 'foals' is it?  Ok, they started talking to the foals; Canary spoke in a reserved manner and seemed to be keeping the youngsters from crowding my legs as we walked while Rainbow had started gesturing wildly and doing what I can only call "shadow boxing."

She was flying with a stance that mirrored mine and repeatedly struck at the air with her forelegs.  A small orange pegasus with a tousled, purple mane seemed especially excited, jumping about with buzzing wings and mimicking the actions of Rainbow as best it could.

Oh, sorry, as best she could.

I was trying to keep track of my baggage and making sure not to kick anyone by accident, so I didn't immediately realize that there was a third type of pony present among the foals.  About five of the young ponies had slightly glossy protrusions set near the center of their foreheads.  They were the same colors as their coats, which also contributed to my inability to notice.

When I did finally realize that there were young unicorns about, my immediate mental response was, "Oh, wow!  Unicorns!  First pegasi, now unicorns."  Then the part of my mind that has apparently been burned out, surprise-wise, snarked back: "Really?  Why are you still being shocked by this stuff?  I was expecting something like this."  The two sections started a rather distracting dialogue, consisting mostly of insults and the like.  It made for an excellent diversion from my surroundings.

I was jarred from my internal debate when I was rather exuberantly assaulted by the color pink.

Yes Pinkie, you're the pink I speak of.

At that moment, all I noticed was loud pony-speech and a strobe-like flash of color in my face.  When I composed myself… yes, after I shouted like a "foal" and tripped over my suitcase.  Your pantomime this morning of my reaction conveyed your mirth of it very clearly Rainbow Dash.

I got back on my feet, dusted my pants off and faced the object that had nearly caused me to wet them.  It was a pony, with no remarkable appendages or traits aside from being the first one I had seen with a near homogenous color scheme.  Both coat and mane were vibrantly pink, though the mane was noticeably darker and infinitely more curly.  Canary was talking to the new arrival, who had the largest smile I've ever seen in real life.

The pink pony, who will henceforth be called "Pinkie" for obvious reasons, made a ridiculously loud gasp, hugged Canary, saluted me, and ran down the street before disappearing around a corner.  I was, and still am, greatly confused by how the dust cloud appeared and why it held Pinkie's shape for so long before collapsing.

Canary was giving me an apologetic smile, Rainbow was rolling on the ground laughing fit to burst, and the foals were all looking excited and most ran off in groups and various directions shortly after Pinkie did.  The orange pegasus stuck around though, as did an off-white unicorn sporting a violet and lilac mane.

After Rainbow regained her breath, we continued walking.  After negotiating a few corners, we came out into the center of town.  On the far side, there was what appeared to be a closing open-air marketplace.  To my right, was a tall, round building with a red, cone-shaped roof.  It was about four stories tall and it even had a short stage poking out towards the market.  Rainbow shot off to the left with Canary and the two foals following, so I turned to do the same; my jaw promptly dove for the ground when I saw the other structure that inhabited the square.

Despite how impossible it seemed, I was apparently looking at a living tree that was also a building.  There were windows embedded in the trunk and there were several balconies of differing sizes and heights off the ground.  Rainbow had disappeared through a red door built into its base, so I assumed that the tree was our destination.

A shout came from the direction of the market and a… what do you call a pony without wings or a horn anyway?  Ok, that works for me. An earth pony with a butter-yellow coat and a red mane tied by a pink bow ran up to the other two foals.  The three began to speak animatedly with each other, the earth foal gesturing towards the market and then me while the other two were pointing at Canary, the tree, and the mountain Canterlot hangs from.

The pegasus filly was the most energetic.  She was hopping around and making fighting moves by the time I passed them.  I guessed she was giving her own version of how I had met Canary and Rainbow.

As Canary and I got closer to the tree, I noticed a sign hanging above the door.  It showed an open book containing more of that flowing, foreign text.  Since I couldn't read it, I made a few guesses about what the building might be.  Could it be a records hall?  Maybe a schoolhouse?  Perhaps it was a travel office?  I continued entertaining myself with my guessing game and just as we arrived, the upper half of the door opened.

Rainbow poked her head out and said something to Canary.  The grin had vanished from her face and her speech was tonally different.  Canary replied and Rainbow's eyes narrowed before she spoke.  Rainbow maneuvered herself through the opening, unfurling her wings once they cleared the gap, and flew to land in front of Canary.  The two traded lines for a few seconds, during which Rainbow's expression grew less tense.  She finally lost the frown and broke into laughter, the full-body, knock-you-to-the-ground kind.  From inside the tree, a new voice piped up.  Rainbow stifled her mirth and turned to respond to the unseen speaker.

As the voice drew closer, Rainbow jumped and set herself by the door, pointing in my direction and emphasizing the gesture with a short declaration.  I looked down at Canary to see if she was concerned by the goings on, but she was smiling gently and giggling softly to herself so I decided that I wouldn't get worried either.

A grumpy face appeared in the space that, moments before, had been occupied by Rainbow.  It belonged to a unicorn.  Its fur was violet and its royal blue mane was neatly styled and accented by a purple stripe seated adjacent to a deep pink stripe.  Next to Rainbow's septa-chromic stripes, it was the most interesting hair I had seen on the equines yet.  The unicorn's gaze was locked on Rainbow for a second, but flicked towards the outstretched hoof and then onwards towards me.

The eyes locked on.

The reaction was priceless.
> 3 — In which I am Confused [for Something Else]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3 — In which I am Confused [for Something Else]

Yes, your reaction was priceless.

I know that you didn't freak out, but the humor comes from the concerted lack of a reaction you displayed.  I could practically hear your panic.

For those of you who were not present, it went down like this:

The unicorn blinked: once, twice, thrice.  She looked towards Rainbow and blinked for the fourth time before squeaking out a short question and closing her gaping mouth.  Rainbow nodded her head, responding with an equally short statement.  The unicorn turned back to me and I lifted my free hand and waved.  The unicorn, whom I had decided to call "Purple" after its prominent colors, looked at Canary and asked another question.

Canary answered while she walked up to the unicorn and Rainbow jumped back into the conversation after that.  The two pegasi must have been filling the unicorn in on how they had come across me, because Rainbow was doing her faux battle routine again.

Purple gasped at that part and broke out what appeared to be a withering barrage of equine articulation that, to my ear, contained an interesting mix of harmonics and dissonance.  I'm a little disappointed now that I didn't get a recording of it.  *Heh heh*, I could have turned it into music and played it back now to see whether the words held up through editing.

Canary's sudden interjection stopped Purple mid manic-rant and fully startled me.  Her volume was only comparable to the yelling that she and Rainbow did back at the butterflies, and even that seemed quiet by comparison.  After the initial burst of volume though, she retuned to her regular, nearly-inaudible-at-a-distance voice.

From what I could gather, Purple was horrified by Rainbow's attack on me, Rainbow didn't think it mattered because nothing "bad" happened, and Canary was trying to get the two to reach a happy medium.

While that was going on, I decided to take a rest; all that walking really gave my legs a workout and hauling my bags didn't make it any easier.

I maneuvered myself into the shadow of the tree, shrugged my backpack off, and untied the unicorn from the straps.  I arranged my bags with the suitcase laying flat and the backpack standing on one end so I could use the two as an ad-hoc beach chair.  It was actually quite comfy, aside from the lower edge of the unicorn digging into the small of my back.

Once I had myself situated, I unzipped the middle pouch of my backpack and pulled out one of my books to pass the time.  It's part of a great series about a boy on the cusp of manhood who lives with his uncle and dreams about bigger things beyond the backwater place he's from.  One day, he discovers from an old man that he wields a strange power and could very well be the last hope to overthrow the evil empire that vies for control over everything.  So he and the old man travel off to find a person who can bring them in contact with a ragtag group of rebels.

It's a real' good read.  Pity the translation spell you came up with only works on sounds.

…

I'm sorry, that was kind of a mean prank.  Though, if she stuck around and ranted here, I would've offered to read them to her.  Though without the rest of the series', these two won't have the proper context…

Should we wait for her to come back?

Well, she was there for the rest of the day, and therefore, won't miss much, but she also seems to be the type who can't stand incomplete notes.

OK then.  If you're making your own copy she shouldn't get too upset.  Good thinking, Spike.

So, I was reading my book, listening to the chatter from the three ponies, when a new voice called out and briefly silenced the talkative trio.  I looked up from the pages and saw that the three young ponies were back from wherever they ran off to with an older pony as their escort. The new arrival was walking up to Canary, Rainbow, and Purple with a mix of confusion and curiosity visible on its face.

It was an orange earth pony with a long blond mane and tail that were a few shades darker than Canary's coat and both the masses of hair were bunched with a red band at the lower end, leading me to believe that it was another female.  She was also wearing a Stetson-style hat, making her the most heavily clothed pony I've seen to date.

The new arrival, tentatively labeled "Orange," said something to the two pegasi that caused both of them and Purple to look around.  Rainbow stopped searching when her gaze locked onto me and pointed a foreleg in my direction.  The other three also turned to look at me.  Purple and Canary displayed varying degrees of relief while Orange looked a mix of intrigued and confused.

I waved and went back to my book, but there was a slight problem.

It wasn't in my lap where I left it.  I looked on the ground around me, but it wasn't there either.  I stood up and checked the area more carefully.  No luck, I still couldn't find my book: the very book that I had been holding not a minute earlier.  That's when a heard a cry come from the small crowd of ponies; it sounded like Canary was upset again.

I interrupted my search and looked towards the group to see what the problem was.  Low and behold, there was my book.  It was suspended in front of Purple, and hung just low enough that I could see a rather expressive inner war being waged across the unicorn's face. It was like Purple couldn't decide whether to apologize for taking the book, panic over the fact that it was effectively illegible, or faint from the implications of that fact.

Orange made her own comment, accompanied by a disappointed look, bringing vital reinforcements to the side of embarrassment and conscience.  Purple grimaced and the book flew over and landed on my suitcase.  I was now somewhat intrigued: not only was the unicorn capable of telekinesis, but she was also sporting a rather cute blush that somehow showed through her fur.

Under more normal circumstances, I would have been less composed in the face of apparent magic, but by this point I had confronted so much impossibility that I was getting rather jaded to further examples.  So instead of gaping at my possessions' blatant, though temporary, dismissal of gravity, I shrugged mentally and picked the book back up so I could recline and continue reading.

In the periphery of my vision, I noticed the four continue to watch me for a moment before turning back towards each other and initiating another conversation.  It wasn't long before Purple was starting to look anxious.  There were a few more verbal exchanges before Orange said something that replaced the anxiety with a look that said, "I just had an epiphany and I'm disappointed that it took this long!"

Purple's eyes closed, her muzzle scrunched up, and suddenly, there was a roll of some kind of paper accompanied by a large white feather and a small black bottle just sitting, affixed in the air adjacent to her left shoulder.  As Purple uncorked the bottle, I realized that the it must have contained ink, which meant that the feather was a quill.  Purple was penning something using an actual quill!  She finished scratching out her writings in short order and the quill, along with the re-corked bottle, silently vanished while a ribbon bearing some manner of seal appeared in a similar fashion.  

Purple turned towards the door of the tree and called out while she fanned the paper.  After she finished waving it around, she rolled it into a scroll and affixed the ribbon to it, using the seal to tie off the end.  From inside the tree, a voice faintly responded and before long, the three young ponies tumbled out the still-open portal and ran up to the group of adults.  I was surprised by their appearance; I had seen them when they ran up with Orange, but I didn't notice when they vanished.  

They were way too energetic to be stealthy and they had hooves.  HOW ON EARTH DID THEY EVEN- ok, enough of that- I'm getting to my point now.  The three fillies were followed from the tree by a significantly different manner of creature.

It was a biped, standing plantigrade at a hight just beyond what the three fillies reached, and covered in scales that matched Purple's coat almost perfectly.  It had a series of green ridge-spikes leading from the top of its head to the tip of its tail.  There were also two green frills placed barely aft of where I would expect the ears to be on a human.  Overall, It appeared that I was either looking at a dragon of some sort, or a young dinosaur, which is basically the same thing.

The reptilian creature was following the youngsters, but it stopped next to Purple while the other three wouldn't keep still.  Purple checked over her scroll and it flew into the waiting claws of the dragon.  It was definitely a dragon.  It lifted the scroll and blew fire, reducing it to a wisp of smoke; only an honest-to-goodness dragon can breath fire.

Still, I was confused.  Purple wasn't upset that the dragon had torched her writing.  Unless she… wanted it to get burned, but if that was the case, why write it in the first place?

The dragon was speaking now.  It's voice matched the one I heard from inside the tree and was lower in pitch than the equines, aside from Rainbow and maybe Orange.  Purple talked to the dragon, who I'd decided to call "Scales" since Purple was taken and "Green" wasn't a very good name by itself.  Then she inclined her head towards me and Scales followed the prompt, turning in my direction.  The dragon tensed a bit when it saw me, but relaxed a second later, after some scrutiny of my person.

Scales turned back to Purple and asked a question.  The body language was a lot easier to read on the biped and I could follow the short discussion they had better than the others I'd witnessed.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the three fillies running off again.  This time, the unicorn was leading the trio and they were heading off past the closing stalls of the market.  As they disappeared amongst the crowds, I returned my attention to the book.  I was almost to the part where the hero travels to a distant place to find an old master of the power he wields and learn about the order that was wiped out by the emperor.

I had just finished three pages when an impressive belch brought my face out of the book.  The ponies had split into two small groups.  Orange and Rainbow were talking and Canary was speaking to Purple and Scales, the latter of whom was holding a new scroll in one hand and rubbing his belly with the other.  Only a young boy can let off a noise like that in mixed company without being embarrassed, it's almost a law of the universe.

Purple's face lit up and the scroll shot to her and was unrolled.  Rainbow and Orange stopped talking and turned to Purple as she started reading the scroll.  The other four beings glanced towards me at several during the reading so I figured that it concerned me to some extent.  By the end of the reading, Purple was a mix of nerves and excitement and was looking expectantly at Scales as she rolled the scroll up and it disappeared like her writing supplies.

Canary walked up and began to speak softly to me, gesturing down one of the roads and giving me half-pleading-half-earnest looks before shyly ducking behind her mane.

I gestured at myself and the group then pointed in the same direction.  I was under the impression that they wanted to take me somewhere and wanted to verify.  She smiled brightly and nodded a few times so I got up, put my book away, and reattached my pack to my person.  I decided to haul the unicorn separately because there were roads here and it would be more trouble to tie it up than to just pull it.

As we moved to rejoin the group, I discovered where the second scroll had come from.  Scales belched again, and issuing from his mouth was another wisp of smoke that condensed into another scroll.  It was also bound with a ribbon and I noticed that the seal on the ribbon matched the color of Purple's coat.  The seal was marked with a strange image of a six-pointed starburst that matched the color of the lighter stripe in her mane.  Since the roll went directly to Purple, I assumed that Purple was a government official of some sort and Scales was some kind of secretary/adjunct who gave her a secure messaging system.

Purple opened the new message and quickly read through it, silently this time, before she rolled it back up and shut her eyes in concentration.  Out from the doorway in the tree came a pair of saddlebags, which settled across Purple's back and cinched themselves securely around her barrel before the message disappeared into the pouch on her right side.  The saddlebags were also adorned with the starburst symbol so I felt more sure in my theory concerning Purple's job.

Purple lowered herself and Scales clambered onto her back.  She then made a short declaration to the group and we all headed off down a street that seemed to head deeper into the town.

After a few minutes of walking, and getting interrupted by passersby, we entered what must have been the main square; it was more circular than I expected.  On the far side, there was a tall, circular, tan building which must have been almost fifty feet tall, though half of that height was invested in a conical, red roof.

This building, which must have been the town hall, seemed to be our destination.  When we arrived, Purple led us into a lobby of sorts and had us wait while she and Scales slipped through a door marked with that still-strange script and a stylized scroll wrapped in a blue ribbon.  Purple and Scales exited the door soon after accompanied by a third person.  It was an earth pony with a sand colored coat, a white and grey streaked mane, and wearing a white collar set with a blue gem of some sort.  There was also a pair of half-rim glasses perched upon the muzzle of the new arrival.

The tan pony looked up at me and then turned back to Purple.  The two spoke quickly, despite a brief interruption from the other three ponies in the room.  The tan pony was looking somewhat sheepish and had started stuttering slightly when Orange interjected and said something herself.  The tan pony was wide-eyed with shock, but Canary delivered her own piece which prompted a relieved expression and a comment from the tan pony.  Rainbow rose into the air with a declarative shout and disappeared up a flight of stairs with Orange and Canary following at a more sedate pace.

With the distractions gone, Purple and the tan earth pony resumed speaking.  Once they finished their conversation, Purple gestured for me to follow her up the stairs.  The tan pony, who I was still having trouble finding a name for, led the way with Purple following behind.  I collapsed the handle of my unicorn, picked it up, and followed the group up the stairs to the second floor.

When I finished the nerve-racking climb up the rather narrow stairs, Purple waved me over to a door that looked marginally more fancy than the rest.  It was painted ivory-white and had a plaque mounted in the middle.  The plaque depicted a very stylized sun, with exaggerated corona tongues surrounding the center.

Purple and Scales were standing on either side of the door and the dragon was writing on a new blank scroll with a quill held between his right claws.  From the other side of the door, I could hear the sounds of furniture being moved as well as hurried conversation.

As I approached the door and its attendants, Scales finished his writing and passed it to Purple's invisible grip.  She looked it over and nodded before it moved back into Scales' claws, rolling up along the way.  Scales tucked the roll of paper under his arm and jogged back down the stairs, likely running the message to somewhere he couldn't get it via burning.

Purple watched him disappear before she turned and smartly struck the door a few time with an extended foreleg.  The noises from beyond the door, which had turned into a lot of coughing, sneezing, and shouting, stopped and the door cracked open, revealing the tan pony's face.  The pony in question was looking marginally more grey than before.  There was a short discussion that ended with the pony moving away from the doorway, allowing Purple to fully open the door and lead me into the room.

It was a bedroom.  A rather impressive, albeit musty, bedroom.  Canary, Rainbow, and Orange were also in the room and, aside from Rainbow, everyone was covered in a thin coating of dust.  Rainbow was hovering above a pile of the stuff and looking rather sheepish while Orange glared breadsticks at her, so it was my guess that she was the cause of both the state of everyone else and the sounds that were coming through the door prior to Purple's knocking.

Canary and the tan pony, now called "Glasses" for the lack of another pony wearing any, were giving me strained smiles, though Canary didn't hold the expression for long.  Her nose was twitching, and her whole face suddenly scrunched up and she let out the most adorable sneeze I had ever heard from any creature that wasn't a cat… or a baby panda, but everything they do is automatically cute so they don't count.  The sneeze, though tiny, caused a good portion of the dust covering Canary to fly into the air and spread throughout the room.

All of a sudden, the dust started gathering into a growing ball that floated in the middle of the room, right above the pile underneath Rainbow.  Suspicious of the cause, I looked down at Purple and, sure enough, she was leaning her head forward, eyes narrowed in concentration.

Soon, the room, and the ponies in it, were spotless and the dust was packed into a trash pail that had been found, knocked over, in a corner.  Orange shook herself and Glasses reseated her spectacles while Canary and Purple were working together to try and tell me something.  Canary was making wide, encompassing gestures while Purple was relatively still.  She was talking up a storm, and while it sounded impressive, I still couldn't understand a lick of it.  I decided to display my lack of comprehension to the best of my ability.

I tipped my head to the side, raised an eyebrow, blinked asynchronously for effect, and said, "huh?"

It wasn't my best confused face, but it got the point across.  Purple and Canary both stopped what they doing and blushed.  From Rainbow came a snort of horsey laughter and Orange made her own statement by walking up to me and grabbing the side handle of my suitcase in her mouth.

I let her pull it out of my hand, mostly from surprise, and watched her carry it across the room before she flipped it up and onto the foot of the king sized bed.  A soft slapping sound came from my side so I looked down to see Purple with a hoof being slowly dragged down her face, accompanied by some low muttering.

Canary was talking to Orange when I looked back up.  She seemed impressed by the direct message Orange managed to deliver.  Orange gave a brief response, then walked over to one of the windows and opened it up, propping it with a brace that was located on the sill.

By now, Purple was talking to Glasses and Rainbow was gliding out the door and down the stairs.  I decided to explore the room, seeing as they were letting me use it if Orange's actions meant what I thought they did.

There wasn't much in the way of furniture in the room.  There was a desk placed along wall to the right of the bed.  Underneath that there was a strange looking box that I assumed was a safe.  It had a handle and a large tumbler dial, so that was the only thing that made sense.

On the other side of the room, adjacent to the interior wall, was an empty cabinet.  It had a few shelves on the lower half and a clothing rack holding a few, strange-looking hangers.  It struck me that the ponies I had seen didn't seem to wear much.  This cabinet must have been the equivalent to a small closet for the equines.

And for me, it would do.  It would do just fine.  Most of my clothing wouldn't be getting hung up anyway.

A couple feet away from the micro-closet was another door.  I peered through the crack I made opening the door and saw a collection of hardware that was passably recognizable as lavatory implements.  The surfaces inside the bathroom were just as dusty as I imagined the bedroom had been not five minutes prior.  I immediately decided against making any further incursions until I was properly equipped, or rather, properly unencumbered.

Purple must have caught the grimace I was making as I shut the door.  She was walking over to the bathroom while I was heading to the desk to offload my backpack and take a stab at the mess in the bathroom.  She peaked in herself and recoiled slightly before steadying herself, taking a deep breath, and plunging into the room.

Seconds later, I heard quiet rattling coming from beyond the door, followed by the unmistakable sound of a flushing toilet.  Scales reentered the room during that time and he looked around while a second flush, and then a third, came from the bathroom.  Purple stumbled back through the door, wheezing gently and gasping every few breaths.

Scales' shot a questioning look towards me, to which I responded by pointing at the dust-filled pail, followed by waving a hand towards the bathroom.  His widening eyes told me that he understood the problem better than I did.

He rushed to Purple's side with a shout, reached into one of the saddlebags, and pulled out what looked like a large perfume bottle, complete with one of those little air bladders that aerosolize the contents.  As soon as it cleared the opening of the bag, it flew out of his grip and around to Purple's face.

She closed her mouth over the nozzle and the bladder was compressed twice.  Purple reopened her mouth and the bottle returned to Scales' claws while she took a few deep, unlabored breaths.  She then calmly walked over to the pail and spat out a grey streaked wad of mucus into it.  Scales had followed and was speaking quickly with concern spread across his face.

I looked around the room, curious as to why no one else was worried, and I saw that we three were now the only ones in it.  The others must have left while I was examining the room and, without a convenient distraction, I felt a little embarrassed that I wasn't able to help Purple with the cleaning.

Purple was releasing Scales from a one-legged hug as my attention returned to them.  She turned to face me while a scroll floated out from under Scales' arm and hovered in front of me.  I reached a hand out in preparation to take it and looked at Purple for confirmation.  She nodded and the scroll moved closer.

I opened the scroll and was faced with a series of line drawings.  The first showed the sun on the horizon with an arrow pointing away the ground.  The next depicted a unicorn and Scales walking up to the building we were in.  I guessed the unicorn was Purple because the starburst on Purple's saddlebags was added to the flank of the unicorn in the drawing.  Below that was the two knocking on the door to the room I had been given, complete with the plaque.  The fourth and final image showed the two walking into the tree building along with me.

I figured that they were telling me they would be back to see me tomorrow and, at some point, we would be visiting the tree.  To show that I understood, I bent down to repeat the message back via gestures.

I pointed at the second image and pointed at them.  At Purple's nod, I pointed to the drawn human and pointed at me.  Once again, Purple nodded, this time accompanying it with some speech.  Finally, I pointed at the sun and though the window and pantomimed it setting and rising as best I could.  A grin broke out on Purple's face and she nodded a final time.

I rose to my feet, setting the scroll on the bed as I went, and decided on a proper, nonverbal farewell to dismiss the two with.  I stood, back straight, with my feet together and my hand held vertically, palms and fingers touching, just below my sternum.  I bent forward at the waist, keeping my hands vertical, until I was about to unbalance, at which point, I reversed the motion and returned to vertical.

"Until tomorrow," I said, while trying to keep from smiling.

Purple made an interesting bow with one foreleg curling beneath her and the other dipping her towards the floor, the grace in the motion telling me that it wasn't the first time she had done the maneuver.

As Purple returned to a standing position, Scales retuned the bottle he was still holding to the saddlebags and hopped onto the unicorn's back.  The two left the room chatting, the door closing behind them, and I immediately moved to my suitcase to unpack a change of clothes to slip into for the night that I could also wear the next day.  Luckily, my mom had the forethought to do all our laundry before we left the hotel, so all my clothes were clean, aside from the outfit I was currently wearing.

After picking a set and changing into it, I ran into the immaculate bathroom and hurriedly figured out how to use the strange-looking toilet.  I hadn't felt the need to void my colon all day because of the stress and the traveling, but now I was relaxed and heading to bed and, come heaven or high water, I was having a bowel movement.

With that finished, I left the bathroom and finished my preparations for sleep, crawled into the bed, and went subconscious.

"And from the next morning when I woke up to today, I have spent my time in a routine of telling Twilight the names of anything she could get me to recognize.  I thought she was trying to teach me the language, but nope, inexplicable magic translation spell!" said Jason, as he finished telling the assembled ponies the story of his first day in Equestria.

"Hold on a moment please, I'm a little confused," said Mayor Silver Scroll, the tan earth pony that Jason had been calling 'Glasses' during his monologue.

"You arrived in Equestria on the same day Twilight Sparkle brought you to see me," began the puzzled mare.

"I did."

"And you did not mean to come here."

"Yes, that's right," answered Jason, wondering what the pony was getting at.

"So why did Miss Sparkle tell me that you were a diplomat?"

Jason's head tipped to the side and his eyes lost their focus.  After a few seconds, he straitened back up and his mouth opened.

"She said I was a what?"
> 4 — In which I Need to Clear Something Up
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 4 — In which I Need to Clear Something Up

The silence was broken by Twilight Sparkle as she reentered the room accompanied by Spike.  The young dragon had left immediately to bring his boss/sister back once Jason's story was done.  The two had obviously caught the end of the exchange between Jason and the mayor.

"You're not an ambassador?" she asked, confusion clear in her expression.

Jason turned his attention to the pony that he had become familiar with over the week.

"No," was the response he gave.  "I'm not even old enough to vote back home, let alone hold a government position.  What gave you the impression that I was?"

"Bu- but," Twilight sputtered, "you wanted to go to Canterlot!  You wear high-quality clothes!  You act formal all the time!  I've collected all this information on past contacts!"  Twilight looked like she was about to panic… or cry.  "I even told Princess Celestia that you were."

"Yah," cried Rainbow Dash, the sky blue pegasus whose name Jason had unwittingly guessed.  "Ever since me and Fluttershy found you, you've been acting all polite and diplomat-y and stuff… well, that's what Twilight said you were doing when I told her how you reacted after I… ya' know… kicked your head and stuff.  Again, it was totally an accident.  I thought you were something else."

Jason lifted his arms in a placating motion.  "Seriously, it's water under the bridge.  I don't blame you.  As for being 'diplomat-y': I couldn't speak the language, I didn't know anything about your culture, and I had no idea whether or not you had any contact with humans before.  

"I'm still completely out of my element here and I didn't want to take any chances with offending someone who was powerful or petty.  Why was ambassador the first thing you thought of anyway?"

Twilight was still sputtering as she worked to reconcile what she was hearing with what her observations had told her.  The other unicorn in the room, a white coated and purple maned mare named Rarity, decided to help by fishing for more information.

"As you have no doubt guessed," she began, "clothing in our society is worn for formal occasions, personal choice, or out of necessity.  The amount of clothes on your person naturally lent itself to the notion of you being in a government position.  Though if you aren't a diplomat, what do you do, if you don't mind my asking?  You didn't impart that information during your… story."

Jason perked up at the inquiry.  He had been preparing answers to the questions he thought ponies would be likely to ask.  Mutual understanding had come much sooner than he thought it would, but he had gone through and formalized most of his personal information already.  Twilight had gotten the 'who' and the 'what' routines earlier, but now someone had asked the 'occupation.'

Jason cleared his throat and began his recitation with a lecturing tone he had decided to adopt from Twilight's verbose introduction.  "*ahem* Well ma'am, as a typical law-abiding citizen of the United States of America nearing his majority, I am a third-year student enrolled at the local 'center-of-secondary-education,' also known as a junior high-school student.

Rainbow Dash groaned, "great, another egghead.  You and Twilight can have competitions."

"Hey…"  Twilight's and Jason's respective rebuttals trailed off as the two looked at each other.  The silence was broken by the unicorn as she turned to Jason and spoke.

"To be honest, I don't really mind it much; it's just her usual teasing."  Jason nodded in agreement.

"I don't doubt it."  The boy smirked slightly, "It doesn't bother me either, but I have a counter and I am going to use it."  Jason redirected his attention back to snickering pegasus.

"Having been required to attend school for thirteen years doesn't make me an egghead anymore than attending daily PE classes for most of those years makes me an athlete."  Rainbow stopped laughing and furrowed her muzzle in confusion while Twilight took on a similar expression, thought her's was less confused and more puzzled.

"Hold on!"  Rainbow Dash's shout signaled the end of her confusion.  "You've been going to school for thirteen years?!"  All eyes turned to the pegasus who was now hovering near Jason's seat.  The disbelief in her voice was mixed with traces of skepticism.

"Well, not year-round.  It's more like, two-thirds or something; less if you take off weekends and holidays."

"But… thirteen!  How old are you?"

"Rainbow Dash, it's not polite to ask a pony's age."  Rainbow's tail seemed to pull her away from Jason, despite her objections, as Rarity continued.  "I do apologize for our friend here.  She's a bit more… blunt than the rest of us."

"Hey!  What about Applejack?  She's plenty blunt."

"That may be true," said Rarity with a prim expression, "but at least she knows to exercise tact when the situation requires."  Jason interjected before the argument could progress any farther.

"Now hold on, I don't mind her asking questions.  Goodness knows I have plenty of my own.  I'm going on eighteen years.  Actually, my birthday is just the far side of sixty days distant."  Pinkie Pie's ears perked at that, though nobody seemed to notice; they were all busy listening to Rainbow.

"You've been in school since you were five?!  That's crazy!"

"Why do you say that?"  Twilight looked confused again, "five years is the age most foals start school at."

"But that only lasts seven years, tops.  And you can get out early.  I did!"  Twilight apparently couldn't believe her ears because she spoke up.

"Wait, you tested out early!?  How?"  Rainbow smirked as she delivered her response.

"What's that supposed to mean?  You don't think I could be awesome at flying and school?"  Rainbow suddenly found herself brought back to earth by Applejack.  Gripping the pegasus' tail tightly between her teeth, she scolded her friend.

"Knock it off, Rainbow.  The only one yer foolin' here is Twilight."

After the two apologized and Twilight explained her cause for confusion, Jason took the opportunity to get some of his more pressing concerns addressed.

"Now, before we get distracted again," the human teen said quickly as he turned towards Silver Scroll, "that room I've been staying in was given to me under the assumption that I was an ambassador, correct?"

The bespectacled earth pony, off balance from all the sudden changes in topic, took a couple seconds to respond.

"Well… yes.  The room is usually reserved for use by the Princesses or other VIPs."

"Then would I be correct in assuming that it might not be available now since I don't really," at this point, Jason raised his hands up to shoulder level and made a strange gesture.  The first two fingers on each hand flexed quickly on the first and last syllable of his next word, "qualify?"

The mayor of Ponyville thought for a moment before replying.  She had been expecting to greet an ambassador, and had prepared accordingly by looking up the proper protocols and forms.  It was certainly a rare event for the mare to be caught by surprise, though it did seem to be happening more often lately, what with the occasional monsters and magical mishaps.  However she wasn't about to refuse the young stallion… human… male a place to sleep.

"I don't see any harm in you staying," she began.  "The room has only been used twice in our town's history and I haven't been given any notice to prepare it for anypony, so until we get an official answer from Canterlot, you are welcome to it."

A sigh escaped Jason's mouth as his posture and expression relaxed slightly.

"That's a relief, I don't know nearly enough about this place to go around looking for housing."

Twilight's smiled brightly as she opened her mouth to speak.  However, she was beaten to it by her friends, who were quick to offer their own sympathies, all at once.

"Oh, it's nothing to feel embarrassed about, dear.  Why, I was absolutely overwhelmed when I first entered into the world of property ownership with my boutique."

"I know exactly what you mean!  Well, not really since I've been renting from the Cakes for forever… but I would totally not ever be able to move out on my own.

"I mean, really, move out?  Voluntarily putting myself in a situation where I can't hop downstairs and bake unreasonably large quantities of pastries every morning for everypony?  That's just crazy!  Am I right!?"

"Yeah, don't even let me get started.  You wouldn't believe the number of rings I had to fly through when I moved here.  If I hadn't promised myself as a filly that I would have my own house the way I wanted, I would've bunked with Fluttershy."

Jason was glancing nervously at Pinkie Pie, but none of the room's other occupants noticed because they were all looking at Rainbow Dash, who was, in turn, looking around at the various expressions turned in her direction.

"What?"

"Rainbow," began Twilight, who was first among the confused ponies to recover, "there are dozens of regulations concerning cloud houses.  I've read through some of them, and they're more complicated than most of the spells that I've learned."

"That's why she came to town hall when she moved here," said Silver Scroll, wishing to keep the discussion moving forward so she could get back to her office to fix her schedule.  "Every year we survey the township and mark where new properties can be developed and where to put new roads.  We also have a pegasus from Cloudsdale come in and list the sites where cloud structures can be placed.  She picked a spot that was suitably removed from the town to avoid noise, but still close enough to be reached by a short walk."

"It also gives me plenty of room to practice my moves."

The elderly mare continued to speak after Rainbow's brief interruption, "we spent some time going over the survey results and the map of the town before she made her decision.  Miss Dash even asked for a copy of the air survey in case she didn't like the spot and wanted to move her house.  In fact, she comes in every year to get the most-current copy."

Everyone turned back to Rainbow; for some reason, Twilight was smirking.  "Oh really," said the purple pony.

Rainbow was quick to clarify.  "Hey, I can't just leave my napping clouds wherever I want.  What if I shaded somepony's garden by accident?  I'd have to fix it by myself, not that it'd be hard or anything.  I mean, co'mon, I'm awesome and all, but it would totally mess up the weather schedule."

"So that's why yer always nappin' in my trees: you can't have clouds over my orchards when it's s'posed to be sunny."

Applejack's epiphany incited another defense from Rainbow Dash, but Twilight had approached Jason to talk so he wasn't focused on the two athletic rivals and their banter.

"If you'd like," she began.  "I'd be happy to take you on an actual tour of Ponyville.  I planned it out yesterday and I was going to ask you after I got the translation spell working, but the mayor said that getting the paperwork out of the way would be more important."

Jason smiled and stood up on his long legs, stretching the stiffness out of his body as he did so.

"A tour sounds great.  Especially since I'll be able to understand what you're saying this time 'round."  Jason finished stretching with a few torso twists and relaxed his posture.  Twilight, meanwhile, hurried to separate Rainbow Dash and Applejack.  The two were nose-to-nose and seemed to be arguing, but they didn't look particularly angry and the other ponies in the room weren't concerned so Jason decided that it wasn't important.


"This town is pretty interesting," Jason thought to himself as he was led around Ponyville by Twilight and the other ponies who had come to hear his tale.  Most of the buildings looked like they came straight out of a Disney film; they were made from wood, plaster, and roofs of thatch or wooden shingles.

A few of the buildings he'd seen were done in styles that didn't match the rest of the town, though.  In fact, most of the ponies he had met in Twilight's library either lived in or worked at most of these architectural oddities.

Their first stop was at the town hall, the circular, red roofed building that Jason had been staying in, to drop the mayor off at her office.  She wanted to schedule a town meeting to formally introduce Jason to the populous and kill any lingering rumors.  Jason took the opportunity to grab a few of his possessions that the ponies, mostly Twilight, had asked him about.  Once he had loaded up his backpack.  He rejoined the group in the reception hall and they set out.

As they passed through the market, Applejack stopped at one of the stalls to speak with the proprietor.  He was large, red earth pony with a peach colored mane that was cut pretty short.  He was also wearing what looked like a pretty heavy work collar.  The two talked sales for a minute before Applejack came back and said she needed to run home.

"Somepony came in and placed a bulk order.  Ah need to head home and get it ready.  I'll see y'all later t'night."

The group gave their goodbyes while Applejack trotted off and then continued on their way to Rarity's residence and place of business, the Carousel Boutique.  She had said that she had a gift to give to the human and that she "simply couldn't wait" to get his opinion on it.

According to the unicorn proprietress, her lifelong dream was to bring the product of her craft to all corners of the land.  Twilight gave glowing reviews of her friend's work, citing a collection of gowns she had made them for some "Grand something-or-other party-thing" they had attended a couple months prior.

Pinkie Pie's emphatic denouncement of the event and Rarity's own furious muttering was the proverbial LOx on the fires of Jason's curiosity and he kept pestering the group until he was give the whole story.

"And after that, Spike took us all on his own tour of Canterlot.  It was much more fun than the Gala, especially since Princess Celestia accompanied us."  Twilight turned her head and nuzzled the dragon riding on her back.

"Aw," Spike was blushing… somehow, "it wasn't a big deal, Twilight."

"Nonsense," Spike's blush intensified under Rarity's praise, "you are our hero, Spikie Wikie.  If it weren't for you, we would have forever remembered that day with nothing but revulsion and disappointment."

"Aw, well… heh."  Spike abruptly stopped stammering and straightened his posture before he spoke with a tone that struck Jason as being 'vapid adventurer' or maybe 'stereotypical superhero'.  "I couldn't let the night get ruined for you girls.  Especially not after you worked so hard to make those dresses, Rarity."

"Oh, you the most thoughtful little dragon," Rarity gushed.

Jason watched the exchange while he did his best to keep a neutral expression.  Past his desperately maintained poker face, he was torn between laughing at Spike's intense embarrassment and the steadily mounting emotions that had been creeping up on him.  Spike, in the meantime, had found a distraction he could use to get the attention off of himself.

"Oh, what do you know?"  He began, speaking quickly enough to rival Pinkie, "we're here.  C'mon everypony, let's get this show on the road."  And with that, he vaulted to the ground and ran ahead to open the door to their first stop.

In Jason's eyes, the Carousel Boutique looked like someone had stacked a merry-go-round on top of another, larger one and filled the centers with living space.  The group waited in Rarity's showroom as she ducked into her work-slash-fitting room to grab her gift to the human.  Twilight had brought him here on his second day in the town with his suitcase to trade words on clothing, which was probably when the seamstress unicorn had gotten his measurements.

They did not wait for long before Rarity rejoined them, bringing a gayly wrapped package with her.  Her serious air was broken by her playful tone.

"While I had planned to give this to the ambassador of a newly discovered race, I think that I can settle for giving it to Equestria's first alien visitor."  As the box was passed to him, Jason knew he couldn't let the opportunity pass him by.

"Well, little pony, I thank you for this tribute.  If it pleases me, I shall notify the fleet that the invasion is postponed."  He followed up his statement with a healthy dose of nasal laughter as he began to meticulously pull the wrapping off so as not to tear it.

Rarity tittered at Jason's speech while and Pinkie giggled and snorted.  Everyone else's confusion quickly evaporated into mirth as they too realized the human was joking.

Under the wrapper was a mass of fabric, which Jason unfolded into a vest, and a rather well-made one at that.  He looked it over, marveling at how closely the main body matched the color of his brown hair and how the strong blue trim and accents set off the cut of the piece.  It even had a set of five pockets: one inside the right lapel and the other four making a near square on the front once it was fastened.  It was quickly apparent to the boy that Rarity's skill was everything her friends claimed it was.

Emotion once again welled inside him but again he ignored it, opting to bury the feels underneath a bevy of questions about the vest's construction as he tried the thing on.

It fit perfectly, which Rarity said was only natural when Jason commented on it.  It  had enough give to comfortably contain the light sweater he had donned that morning without budging it up or sagging itself, though the arm holes were cut larger than he thought necessary.

After he removed and refolded the gift, thanking its creator more sincerely as he did so, Twilight ushered the group back onto the street.  Rarity excused herself from the rest of the tour, citing a project she wished to finish as she gave her goodbyes.

The rest of Twilight's tour was pretty comprehensive, familiarizing the boy with many points of interest within the town, like the most popular places to eat and the best spots to relax.  Their final destination was a gingerbread-house themed building named Sugarcube Corner.  Twilight had brought Jason here several days earlier as part of her translation work and he still marveled at the intricate details present both inside and out.

As it turned out, the confectionery was Pinkie Pie's residence and place of employment, and she wasted no time inviting the human inside to properly meet the owners.  Carrot Cake was a lanky earth pony with a bright yellow coat and orange hair.  The soda jerk hat that the stallion wore gave Jason no small amount of amusement.  The other owner was Carrot's wife, Cupcake.  She was also an earth pony and possessed a coat that was a few shades darker than Rainbow Dash.  Her mane and tail were two-tone pink and styled to resemble swirled frosting.  

Both of the Cakes, as the others called them, spoke cordially to Jason, even after he dispelled their notions of him being ambassador.  They even gave him a box of six strawberry-cinnamon cupcakes as a "Welcome to Ponyville" gift.

Soon enough, Twilight said she wanted to get back to the library so she could ask Jason the questions she and Spike had written down to ask him.  Pinkie said she had baking to get to and wished the human "a most splendifferous rest of the day and I'll see you all later!" as she bounded into the kitchen behind the counter with a final 'yippee!'

The reduced group of five began to make their way back to Twilight's library… tree… home thing.  Jason wasn't sure what to call it, but it was definitely all three of those nouns.  It was a hollowed tree(still alive and healthy as unbelievable as that was), with a library taking up most of the ground floor(he could appreciate the irony and really respected the mind behind it) and had living quarters on the top two floors(barring the kitchen, which was on the ground floor with the library).

Fluttershy, Twilight, and Spike were discussing what to ask him while Rainbow flew lazily overhead.  She soon grew bored and dropped down to talk to Jason.

"So, thirteen years of school huh?"  Jason raised an eyebrow.

"You're still not over that?"

"No way!  It's school!  There's nothing that could take that long to learn."  Rainbow looked over at her unicorn friend, "C'mon Twilight, back me up here."

"Hm?  What's that Rainbow?"  Twilight's head came up as she turned away from her conversation.

"There's no way school could take thirteen years, right?  Not unless the teaching is really slow.  There isn't enough stuff to teach!"

"Rainbow, I've been a student for longer than thirteen years."

"That's different!  It's, like, your job or something.  And you're not in school for it."  After some thought, Twilight realized what her friend meant.

"Alright, Rainbow, fair point.  You aren't counting learning for hobbies or jobs, just the classwork."

"If that means the stuff everypony has to go to school to learn, then yes."  Twilight scowled and opened her mouth to respond, but another voice cut her off.

"Rainbow," Fluttershy's voice was hard.  Jason figured it to be about sand level, as opposed to the talcum tone she usually took.  "You don't need to be rude; she was just asking."

"It's fine, Fluttershy.  I wasn't paying attention to her question."  Fluttershy relaxed as the tension between the other two ponies dissipated.

"Oh, um… alright then.  I'm sorry for interrupting."  And with that, she turned back to continue her conversation with Spike, though she kept an ear cocked towards them.

Twilight and Rainbow began discussing the best way to figure out how much schooling it would take to match minds against graduates from schools across Equestria.  Twilight took the lead, scribbling down what looked like calculations, while Rainbow seemed to fall into the roll of devil's advocate, pointing out things Twilight missed and adding her experiences in a pegasus-exclusive school.  After a few minutes of this, Twilight, looking giddy for some reason, declared that she was going to make a pet project out of it and vanished her notes.

"*Ahem* Well," Twilight and Rainbow looked up at Jason, who felt that he wouldn't have a better opportunity to unleash his wit.  "Not that this isn't an interesting topic, but I'm still having trouble believing that you thought I was an ambassador."  He was working hard to keep as straight a face as he could, "clothes plus manners does not equal diplomat.  I want to have a few words with your mathematics teacher if that's what you've been told."

"What?" was Twilight's intelligent response.  Rainbow settled for looking confused.

"The proper equation is 'fancy clothes plus drafted treaties plus subtle insults plus obvious fawning equals diplomat.'  It's a fairly obvious set of traits when you apply the requirements of the position with the most effective means of meeting those requirements."

"What?" Twilight's eyes lost their focus as she slowly came to a stop.  

Jason, with a smirk on his face, turned to Rainbow, who now seemed to understand what Jason was doing, and gestured to the now-perplexed purple pony.  "Is she usually this articulate when asked about math, or have I caught her on an off day?"