Everything's Turning Up Millhouse!
Millhouse Manastorm sat in the Hall of Guardians. “With Millificent free, I need to definitely extra careful,” he said to himself. “I can't believe those fools didn't take care of her.”
“Yeah, those 'fools’ would have beaten her if you hadn't mocked her hair,” a nearby Blood Elf mage said as he observed artifact weapon: Felo'melorn. “Ah, but who am I to argue with the mighty Millhouse 'I Worked For Deathwing’ Manastorm?”
“Hey, I only did it because he was paying extra well!” Millhouse said, a look of indignation on his face. “Besides, I’ve changed my ways!”
“Yes, you then got your ass kicked in the Brawler’s Guild by nearly every hero on Azeroth and their grandmother,” the mage said as he placed his weapon on an anvil. “Of course, you'll have some glorious excuse like-” the mage turned around and cleared his throat- “I wasn't trying my hardest!” he said in a high pitched voice.
Millhouse fired off an arcane blast at the mage, which struck him in the chest, which caused him to recoil in pain. “Nobody—except for Khadgar—insults the mighty Millhouse Manastorm!”
The mage frowned at Millhouse. His hands glowed purple for a few seconds before…
“Baaaah.”
The mage chuckled at the sight if the sheep. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go help that bonehead in Suramar train her withered. Bye!” With that, the mage exited the Hall of Guardians, a large grin on his face.
A few seconds later, the polymorph wore off, and Millhouse returned to his small self. “Well, I'll be sure to report his behavior to Khadgar later,” he grumbled to himself. He walked over to a chair and sat on it. “Until then, time to eat!” he said conjured up a manacake.
“Millhouse!” a female voice called out from the doorway.
Millhouse dropped the manacake and looked towards the door way. “Oh, uh, hi!” he said. “How goes it, Millificent?”
Millificent walked up to her husband and glared angrily at him. “You let the Kirin Tor imprison me in the Violet Hold!” she said angrily. “You let them feed me rare cooked steak”
Millhouse let out a mock gasp and placed a hand over his forehead. “Oh, the gnomanity!”
Millificent slapped Millhouse across the face. “I could kill you, but I figured that would be too good for you!” She pulled out a remote from a pocket and pointed it at the wall, which opened up a portal. “This will lead to an alternate dimension that I discovered shortly after I escaped that dreadful place.”
Millhouse narrowed his eyes. on the other side was a frozen tundra. “Wait, does that lead to Draenor?” he asked.
“I… wait… how did you know!?” Millificent asked, a look of confusion on her face.
“I worked at a Garrison there for about two years,” Millhouse said. “Lemme tell you: the weather there? Horrible!”
Millificent grit her teeth. She took out at a robotic chicken and hurled it at her husband. “I hope you freeze to death!”
“Oh, balls,” Millhouse said as the chicken exploded. He flew backwards into the portal, a look of horror on his face.
Millificent smirked and looked down at her remote. “Oh, wait, that wasn't Draenor,” she said. “Better get him back before he screws with another dimension and they invade us!”
---
Meanwhile, Millhouse flew out of the portal and landed in the snow. “Ah, shoot,” he said as the portal vanished. “I wish I'd practiced my portal summoning skills more.” Millhouse stood up and looked around. “Well, I'm back on Draenor, and it looks just as depressing as it did when I was stranded here with that bastard Mage.”
Millhouse picked a random direction and blinked ahead. He reached the top of the cliff and looked out over it. “Huh, I guess the Frostwolves expanded on the Garrison,” he said as he looked out over the tundra—and at an enormous city. He cast Slow Fall before he leaped off the frosty dune and slowly floated down towards it.
A few moments later, Millhouse passed through a barrier and landed on the hard pavement. He sat up and brushed off some snow off of his robe. “Maybe the Draenei helped,” he said to himself. “This looks nothing like Orc architecture.”
“Draenei? Orcs?” a nearby male voice said with a hint of fear in it. “What are they, and what in the world are you?”
Millhouse looked around. “Who said that?” he asked. “Have the Goren finally gained the ability to communicate and taken over Draenor?”
A blue colored crystal pony teleported in front of Millhouse and waved at him. “I don't know what 'Draenor’ is, or what a 'Goren’ is,” the pony said, “but I do know that you're in the crystal empire!”
Millhouse jumped backwards. “By Mekkatorque’s balls, you're a talking unicorn!” he said. “Are you from the Emerald Nightmare!?”
The pony tilted his head. “I, uh, don't know what is,” he said. “I don't recall Princess Cadence ever talking about it.”
“Princess who?” Millhouse asked. “Is she a member of the Burning Legion?”
“I, uh, don't think so,” the pony said. “I heard a rumor that somepony had an encounter with a creepy looking demon though!”
Millhouse’s eyes widened. “The Burning Legion is still here!?” he shrieked. “You're all going to die if you don't fend them off!”
“Wait, we're going to die!?” The pony ran towards the city. “Panic, everypony! The Burning Legion is going to kill us all!”
“Wait, come back!” Millhouse yelled. “We fended off most of the Legion months ago! They aren't…” Millhouse let out a sigh as he saw hundreds of ponies begin to run around the city streets, screaming. “Oh, brother. They're worse than the Garrison workers.”
As the ponies panicked and rioted, a loud—yet motherly—voice came from on a balcony. “Please, calm down everypony!”
The ponies stopped and all bowed as Princess Cadence appeared. “Why do you all panic?”
“The Burning Legion’s going to kill us all and use our hides as blankets!” a stallion yelled. “We're all doomed!”
Cadence raised an eyebrow. “Who told you that?”
The stallion pointed to Millhouse, who had conjured up some popcorn and a chair. He waved up to Cadence. “Hi, how are you?”
“Oh, my,” Cadence said as she looked down at Millhouse. She flew off of the balcony and landed in front of Millhouse. “What manner of a creature are you?”
“I’m a gnome,” Millhouse grumbled as he hopped off of his chair. He looked up at Cadence and asked, “Now, may I inquire why a bunch of talking equines have taken over Draenor?”
“Draenor?” Cadence asked with a confused look. “Our land is known as Equestria. What is this 'Draenor’ you speak of?”
“No, no,” Millhouse said as he shook his hands. “The planet is named Draenor.” He pointed towards the barrier. “Better way to put it: why have you all taken over Frostfire Ridge?”
Cadence raised an eyebrow. “I, uh, don't get what you mean,” she said. “We have lived here for many generations. We have never heard this land referred to as 'Frostfire Ridge’.”
Millhouse folded his arms and rolled his eyes. “Okay, rather than debate with something that looks like it should be purchased from a vendor for a million gold, how about you tell me the nearest portal back home?
The crystal ponies gasped. “You can't talk to the princess like that!” a mare yelled.
“Settle down, everypony,” Cadence said. “It's clear that he's not accustomed to our ways.” She turned around and faced the crowd. “As for the threat of the Burning Legion: there's no need for alarm. We aren't under attack from any monstrous demons, so you may all go back to your homes.”
“But one of them told me that some pony had an encounter with a demon!” Millhouse said. “Where I'm from, there's an enormous invasion going on with them. Thousands are dead, tens of thousands more injured, and their leader wants to destroy our whole world!” he exclaimed to the horrified crowd. “If even one demon is here, many more will soon follow and you'll all inevitably die horrible fiery deaths or worse: be enslaved for eternity!”
The crowd began to run around and panic. “We're all doomed!” a stallion yelled to Cadence before he went back to panicking.
“Why did you do that!?” Cadence asked, irritated. “They were perfectly calm and you've sent them into another panic!”
“What? I was merely telling the truth!” Millhouse protested. “I was told that someone had encountered a demon. Where there's a demon, there thousands more waiting! For all you know, they're already here in this very city”
Cadence let out a sigh before a nearby stallion grabbed her and yelled into her face, “The end is nigh!”
Cadence pushed the stallion away glared at Millhouse. “Listen, if you're so adamant about this 'Burning Legion' being a threat, then perhaps you'd be willing to help me find out what they're planning.”
“Oh, as much as I'd love to help, I'm ninety nine percent sure you're royally screwed,” Millhouse said. “If you'd like though, I'll give you all flyers for the best home bunker installation around!”
Cadence shook her head. “I’m just going to calm down the citizens. You, on the other hand, are hereby ordered to leave the city.”
“You're sending me back out there?” Millhouse asked. “You crazier than Deathwing!”
“If you don't want to freeze, then cooperate!”
Millhouse sighed. “Fine,” he said as he raised a hand up high. A clock appeared above him as he grew. “Let's do this!” he exclaimed as he blinked ahead. he grabbed a panicked pony and placed it into a backpack. Within a few seconds, he'd rounded up them.
“What have you done with my subjects?” Cadence asked in a worried tone.
Millhouse reached into a robe pocket and pulled out a backpack. He opened it up and turned it upside down. “They're right here,” he said as he shook the backpack. “Somewhere…”
After a few tense seconds, several ponies fell out of the backpack. “Ah-hah! There we go!” Millhouse exclaimed. “The magical backpack never fails, even with talking equines!”
“How did they fit in there?” Cadence asked, confused.
“Every explorer on Azeroth has one of these!” Millhouse said as he held the backpack up high. “They're made by the Kirin Tor to magically shrink down any and all items to be storable—no matter how big or how heavy!”
“So, what did you all see in there?” Cadence asked her subjects.
“Darkness,” one mare said shakily, “and a lot of ice cream.”
“Hey, if any of you touched my ice cream, I will invoke a spell so powerful that your puny equine minds will explode from how powerful it is!”
“Do that and you're being sent into the frozen tundra without that ridiculous hair of yours,” Cadence grumbled.
“You wouldn't dare!”
“I would,” Cadence said as she turned around to face the crowd, who all looked nervously at Millhouse. “Now, then, everypony, there's no need for alarm. Everything is perfectly okay. There is no Burning Legion—or terribly powerful spells,” she said with a smile. “You may all return to your homes.”
The crowd out a collective sigh and returned to their normal activities.
“Wow, you sure calmed them down,” Millhouse said. “Where I'm from, they go back to panicking within a few minutes.”
“We may or may not spike their water with sedatives,” Cadence said with a smirk. “Anyways, you have a lot of explaining to do. But first…” Cadence teleported Millhouse and herself to the entrance to the crystal castle. She opened the front door and stepped inside.
Millhouse walked inside and admired the interior. “Awesome,” he said. “Now, let me guess: you want me to explain where I'm from?”
“No, and I really don't care,” Cadence said. “Rather, I’d for you to explain why you went ahead and spouted off that panic inducing nonsense earlier.”
“Hey, it was the truth,” Millhouse snapped. “Now, I refuse to retread old ground. How about you just send me home!”
“First, I have no idea where you're from,” Cadence said. “Second, my wedding is tomorrow, so how about you just wait a few days, then I'll figure out how to send your pathetic ass home!”
“Oh, I feel really bad for the poor bastard who's marrying you,” Millhouse said. “Though, admittedly, you’re slightly less bitchy than my own wife.”
Cadence glared daggers at Millhouse. “Listen, I don't want to have to deal with another child,” she said. “So either cooperate with me, or I'm going to send you through the wall.”
“You dare threaten the mighty Millhouse Manastorm!?” Millhouse said. “I'll have you know that I'm a legend where I'm from! I was imprisoned for my strength!”
Cadence’s eyes widened. “Really now?” she asked as she raised an eyebrow. “That’s impressive, but I don't care.”
“You’re a real ray of sunshine,” Millhouse mumbled. “Fine, I'll cooperate with you, oh epic mount.”
Cadence slapped Millhouse upside the head. “Only my fiancée can call me that,” she said through her teeth. “Now, if you want a bed, there's a spare room upstairs.”
Millhouse raised a hand and conjured up a king-sized bed, which fell in the middle of the room. “I'm good,” he said as he hopped onto the bed.
Cadence’s horn glowed, and she fired off a magic beam that vaporized the bed.
Millhouse fell onto the pile of ashes with a thud. “Oh, my back,” he said as he sat upright and cracked it. “You're a bitch and a half.”
“Listen you little twerp,” Cadence growled. “Just do as you're told and I can try to get you home faster!”
“Yap, yap, yap!” Millhouse said. “Quit repeating yourself and acting like a bitch. You're getting on my nerves.”
Cadence's eyes glowed green. Her horn glowed as she levitated Millhouse up to her. “Keep calling me names and I'm going turn you into minced meat,” she growled.
Millhouse blinked away from Cadence's magic. “Okay, you're officially creeping me out,” he said. “That's a feat of strength in my book.”
“Oh, boy, thanks,” Cadence said sardonically. “Have anything else to award me?”
Millhouse tapped his chin. “Yes, I do!” He held out a hand and summoned a tray above Cadence. “People always ask for this.” He turned his hand upside down and dumped a bunch of manacakes onto her. “And that's before being a royal bitch.”
Cadence grit her teeth. “You little shit,” she growled.
Millhouse waved a hand at Cadence. “I think you should be more concerned about the fact that that crap doesn't wash out easily,” he said as he walked away from the furious Alicorn. “Anyways, I'll be in that room if you want to scream at me!”
“It's the first room on the right!” Cadence yelled before she teleported up to her room. She dropped her disguise “That arrogant son of a bitch!” she yelled as she glared into a nearby mirror. “Come on, Chrysalis,” she said to herself, her eyes glowing a bright green. “Keep your cool. You can't let this little twerp get to you!”
Chrysalis let out a heavy sigh and turned away from the mirror. As she did, the door swung opened. “What in the world!?” Millhouse yelled. “Why is there an agent of the Old Gods here!?”
“What are you doing in my room?” Chrysalis asked as she glared at the gnome—whose face bore a look of horror and that of wondering how much gold he'd have to spend to get the Changeling queen as a mount.
“Uh, this is the first room on the right,” Millhouse said. “Now, unless I was sent here as a ritualistic sacrifice to N’Zoth, I'd like for you to get out of my room.”
Chrysalis slammed the door shut and teleported towards Millhouse. “Listen you arrogant jackass,” she sneered. “If you tell anyone what you've seen here, I will gut you alive.”
Millhouse raised an eyebrow. “That's not very intimidating when you been employed by a dragon who reshaped an entire planet,” he said. “Try again another time, sweet cheeks.”
Chrysalis threw Millhouse against the wall and transformed herself back into Cadence. “Call me that again, and you're dead.”
Millhouse stood up and shook his head. “Oh, so I wasn't crazy,” he said. “You did sound like that that pretty pink pony!”
“Listen, just be quiet and don't tell anyone what you saw,” Chrysalis said. “Or else.”
Millhouse rolled his eyes and flipped off the Changeling queen before he blinked towards the bed. “Just work on finding me a way home, bug-thing,” he said. “Okay? Thanks.”
“I'm a Changeling,” Chrysalis said as she opened the door. “Now, see you—hopefully never again.”
Millhouse let out a sigh as the Changeling queen exited the room. “Geez, she's a real bundle of joy and happiness,” he said to himself. “Oh well, no matter. Time to get some sleep!” he said as he shut his eyes. Within a few minutes, Millhouse was fast asleep.
---
That night, while Millhouse lay asleep…
Boom!
“What in the world!?” Millhouse screamed. “Has Sargeras finally returned!?” He frantically looked around when his gaze fell on a small, female gnome with an absurdly large gun. “I've finally found you!” Millificent said. “Geez, blown my way into four other bedrooms, and you don't want to know what I found in the princesses room!”
Millhouse shuddered. “Why'd you have to say that?” he asked. “And why the fuck are you here?”
“Oh, that's easy,” Millificent said. “I didn't send you to Draenor, I sent you to Equus! Simple mistake. I did it with my pet rabbit Fluffy earlier today on a test run.”
“So, are you sending me to Draenor now?” Millhouse asked. “Because if you are, there's something I want to take care before you do.”
Millificent sighed. “Make it quick.”
Millhouse ran out of the hole his wife had made and ran towards the princesses room, which had an enormous hole in it.
Chrysalis—still disguised as Cadence—moaned loudly. “Oh, Shining,” she said as she rode her fiancée's groin. “You're so big!”
Millhouse let out a sharp whistle. “Ho-oly shit, horse sex is weird!” he said. “But, this is for slapping me, bug-bitch!”
Chrysalis and Shining Armor both screamed as Millhouse began to create a massive molten boulder in his hands.
“I’m gonna light you up, sweet cheeks!” Millhouse hurled the boulder at Chrysalis, who was engulfed in fire. “DOOOOOOOM!” Millhouse said as the Changeling queen let out an ear piercing scream. With that, Millhouse ran back to his room.
“Millhouse!” Millificent yelled. “What did you do!?”
“Not important,” Millhouse replied. “Let's just get the hell out of here before we're both killed.”
Millificent pulled out a remote and aimed it at a nearby wall. She fired it off, which revealed another snowy tundra. “Off you go!” she said as she threw another robotic chicken at her husband. “Bon voyage!”
Millhouse was blown back through the portal. He landed atop a snowy dune and sat up. The portal in front of vanished him as he brushed the snow blew against him as he began to walk towards an abandoned Garrison, all while one thought went through his mind.
I hate my life.