Too Spicy For Television
Rainbow Dash rubbed her hooves together and unleashed a maniacal cackle as she peered into the small, straw-lined wooden crate that had just been delivered.
It hadn't been easy. Or cheap. She'd had to work a triple shift. She'd had to cash in a few favors and promise a few more. But everything she'd sacrificed for this moment would all be worth it.
This would prove, once and for all, that Rainbow Dash was the most daring pony in all of Equestria.
She narrowed her eyes, an evil grin spreading across her muzzle.
"Just you wait, Applejack. You're. Goin'. Down."
* * * * *
"Thanks fer helpin' out a mite, gals," Applejack said as she wiped sweat from her brow. It was a hot early summer day, and the sun beat down mercilessly on the verdant orchards of Sweet Apple Acres. Dozens of wooden buckets full of apples sat in neat rows next to the family apple cart. Sitting in the grass, Applejack sipped a tall glass of iced tea.
"Anything for my favorite possibly-cousin-if-we-really-are-related!" Pinkie Pie said, smiling over her own iced tea, which had a ridiculously huge, twisty crazy straw in it.
Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes and giggled. "I'm just glad you've gotten to the point where you don't hesitate to ask for help when you need it," she said. "I'll never forget that first applebuck season after I moved here from Canterlot."
Applejack groaned. "Dang it all if'n Ah ain't stubborn as a mule sometimes," she muttered. The three mares paused, then looked all around, as if checking to make sure they were alone. After a moment, they let out a collective sigh of relief. "Still, y'all are busy with your own stuff, so...thanks."
"Eh, I needed the exercise," Pinkie said. She squished her belly with her hooves. "I don't wanna get too pudgy!"
"I enjoyed having an opportunity to explore the earth pony aspects of my transformation into an alicorn," Twilight said, stretching a wing idly. "I mean, I'm still getting the hang of flying, but until today I hadn't even tried seeing what else I got out of becoming a princess."
"Yyyyeah no offense, Twilight?" Pinkie said. "You're better off sticking with picking the apples with your magic. You kinda stink at bucking."
Twilight giggled. "Well, that's why I need practice!" She sighed. "But you're right. I can do twenty trees with magic in half the time it took me to do one the earth pony way."
Applejack chuckled. "Aww, shucks. Don't sweat it none, Twi. If'n Ah suddenly had wings an' a horn, well...shoot, it'd plumb take me forever t' git it all straight!"
"INCOMING!"
The three ponies looked up with faint alarm as a blue blur dropped out of the sky, trailing a rainbow streak. Just inches from their heads, Rainbow Dash braked hard in midair, wings beating idly. A filly-sized wooden crate hung from her hooves, and she favored them all with her trademark devil-may-care grin.
Applejack narrowed her eyes. "Rainbow Dash," she said. "How many times Ah gotta say it? Mah farm ain't no place for your daredevil dives." She paused, then added, "Unless you're tearin' down an old barn for me. Which you ain't right now."
Rainbow chuckled. "You know I gotta make an entrance," she said.
"What's in the box, Dashie?" Pinkie asked with interest.
Rainbow set her crate down and sat beside it, perching her front hooves on the lid. "Just a little somethin' for me an' Applejack to chew on," she said with a smirk.
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Me an' you. Specific-like."
"Yup!"
Applejack's eyebrow rose higher. "Whut're you up to?"
"Oh, just..." Rainbow's smirk grew more smug. "Proving once and for all I'm the most daring pony in all of Equestria."
"Ooh!" Pinkie said, leaning forward with interest. "You've come up with another daring dare to dare Applejack to dare?"
Twilight groaned. "Ugh. Don't you two ever stop?"
Applejack cracked her neck. "Alright, RD, whut's th' dare?"
Rainbow grinned and lifted the lid off the crate. Reaching in, she extracted one object.
The other ponies stared at it, eyes wide.
It was slightly larger than a cherry tomato. Its glossy, dimpled skin was a bright orange at the top, gradually darkening to a deep devil red at the bottom. It was wide around the middle; grooves in its skin made it look like a tiny pumpkin with a red tail.
Pinkie's ears wilted. "Oh no, Dashie," she whined. "That's going way too far."
Twilight raised a hoof. "Is...is that what I think it is?" she asked.
"Eeyup!" Rainbow said with a wide, toothy smile.
"Oh...h-hey now," Applejack said, her eyes darting side to side.
"Remember last year when you won the jalapeño eating contest at the fair?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Well, now's your chance to prove you can handle a real hot pepper."
"How'd you even get a puffer pepper?" Twilight wondered. "You do know those are illegal in Equestria, right?"
"Oh, I know," Rainbow Dash said. "And I didn't just get one." She motioned her friends closer. They looked at each other, then crept in curiously.
Their jaws dropped.
At least two dozen swollen, dimpled, angry orange puffer peppers filled the crate, their vibrant skins gleaming in the summer sun.
"So how about it, AJ?" Rainbow asked. "I bet I can eat more puffer peppers than you."
Applejack stared at her. "Are you insane?!" she cried.
"This from the pony who covered herself with bees," Pinkie Pie muttered aside to Twilight. "Bees!"
Twilight frowned. "Rainbow Dash, this is ridiculous," she said.
"Look, if'n you wanna have a pepper eatin' contest, we can git some habaneros or scorpion peppers or somethin'," Applejack said. "Anythin' but those stupid things!"
Rainbow smirked. "What's the matter, AJ? You chicken?" She stood up, leaned forward, and poked Applejack in the chest with a hoof. "If you won't do it, I'll tell everypony in Ponyville you backed down from a dare, making ME the most daring pony in Equestria!" Her lips curved upward into an evil smirk. "AND," she added, "I'll start calling you Chickenjack."
Applejack's eyes narrowed. One hoof scraped the ground warningly. "You sure you wanna ride that bull, hoss?" she asked in a low, dangerous tone.
Rainbow's smirk grew even bolder. She reached into Pinkie's mane and extracted a rubber chicken which had been painted orange and had a tiny brown Stetson on its head.
Pinkie blinked. "H-hey, how did you—"
"That tears it," Applejack growled, snorting steam. "It's on!"
"Like HAY it is!" Twilight cried. "There's no way I'm about to sit here and let you two do something this STUPID!"
"STAY OUTTA THIS!" Applejack and Rainbow Dash both shouted at her.
Pinkie sighed. "Oy." She shook her head. "Sorry, Twilight. I don't think they're gonna back down from this."
Twilight facehoofed. "Alright. Fine. Go ahead. Blow yourselves up. Fart up the whole farm! Maybe it'll be a good lesson for you." She crossed her hooves. "Honestly, you two haven't changed a bit since the Running of the Leaves."
Rainbow took another pepper out of the crate, hoofing it to Applejack. "On three," she said. Applejack nodded, raising the pepper to her lips. "One...
"Two...
"THREE!"
Both mares stuffed their whole pepper into their mouths, chewing them while staring each other down ferociously. Twilight and Pinkie watched anxiously as their friends chewed, chewed some more, then swallowed, their faces slowly turning red and their eyes watering.
"Ugh," Applejack said, panting. "That little horseapple sure was sour."
"Sour, bitter, spicy," Rainbow agreed hoarsely. "Another?"
"Bring it."
"I can't look," Pinkie moaned, grabbing one of Twilight's wings and wrapping it around her eyes. Twilight shot her a dirty look.
As Rainbow reached into the crate for a fresh pair of peppers, she paused, her entire body jerking. "Hrk...!!" Her eyes bugged out.
Applejack hiccuped once, her eyes widening to the size of dinner plates.
Pinkie peered between Twilight's feathers.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack both started to swell up, their bellies bloating and distending. Rainbow's legs wobbled as she reached into the crate and, with effort, tossed a pepper to Applejack before taking another for herself.
"Girls?" Twilight prompted. "Maaaaybe you shouldn't—"
Applejack opened her mouth and caught the second pepper in midair, chomping it down viciously. Rainbow did likewise, practically swallowing the pepper whole. A loud, wet whine, like a balloon slowly, sadly deflating, rang out from each pony as they continued to swell up.
"Alright, that's it." Twilight used her magic to close the crate, then teleported it over to herself. With a second burst of magic, she picked Pinkie Pie up off the ground and planted her rump on top of the crate. "I'm not letting you two do this to yourselves. This is already gonna leave you both seriously ill for days!"
Rainbow hiccuped. "Y-yeah," she said in a strained voice, her face turning progressively redder. "Bad idea." She glanced over at Applejack. "S-sorry, AJ."
"Ah'll—" Applejack covered her swollen, red muzzle with a hoof. "—git you fer this, Rainbow Dash."
"Now, let's get you two to the hospital before—"
Rainbow Dash let out an explosive fart that sounded like an entire roll of bubble wrap being popped all at once. Before her fart even ended, Applejack tilted her rump into the air and blasted one off that sounded like an entire string of firecrackers.
They stared at each other. They laughed.
"New dare!" Rainbow Dash declared. "Best fart! Pinkie Pie can be the judge!"
Applejack grinned. "Oh, you're ON!"
Pinkie Pie dragged one hoof down her face, her mane deflating slightly. "Really? A farting contest?! You want me to judge a farting contest?!" She sighed. "Okay, but you both owe me one!"
Twilight groaned, her ears folding down against her skull. "Great. Equestrian history will remember me as the only Princess who sat and watched a farting contest."
Rainbow struggled into an upright position, her butt an inch off the ground. Squeezing her eyes shut, she strained. A terrible, muffled ripping sound exploded out of her hind end, pushing her several inches into the air. She hovered there for a second, then flopped to the ground, rolling onto her back. A tiny, squeaky whine of aftershock fart burped out of her butt.
"Eh, I give it an eight," Pinkie said boredly. "She didn't stick the landing."
Applejack waddled over to a bucket of bad apples that had been set aside for pig feed and backed up against it, hunkering down. The blast that came out of her rear sent the bucket flying across the orchard.
"Nine for creativity," Pinkie said.
"I think Applejack just invented fartillery," Twilight said with a facehoof.
"Heh! Ah'm up one-zip!" Applejack chuckled.
"Oh yeah? Watch this!" Rainbow hunkered down, pointing her butt into the air. A long, wet, high-pitched whine trilled out of her, her tail fluttering like a windsock. As the fart trailed off, she started to relax...
A sudden second burst of painful-sounding ripping flatulence tore out of Rainbow Dash like an alien bursting forth from a host body, bringing with it a plume of orange flames that set fire to Rainbow's tail. She shrieked, jumping up into the air, struggling to stay aloft despite her gas bloat.
"RAINBOW DASH!" Twilight yelled, eyes wide.
Rainbow flew around in tight circles, screaming her head off as her tail burned. "AHHH! PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT!"
"Stop drop and roll!" Pinkie yelled. "Stop drop and—"
A cannon blast of a fart shook the ground beneath them as Applejack's ass exploded, lighting her tail and most of her rump ablaze. She yelped and started running in panicked circles. "YEOOOW!! MAH BISCUIT'S A-BURNIN'!"
"Oh my gosh!" Twilight cried. Her horn lit up, and two fire extinguishers appeared. She hoofed one to Pinkie. "You take Applejack, I've got Rainbow Dash!" Wasting no time, she flew up into the air, dodging Rainbow's panicked spinning which was slowly but steadily beginning to form a flarenado. She flew up above Rainbow, popped the safety pin, and doused Rainbow with foam. The flames gradually diminished; down below, Pinkie Pie had, with difficulty, managed to extinguish Applejack.
Rainbow and Applejack both sank to their bellies on the ground, panting heavily. "Thanks...girls," Rainbow gasped out.
"Yeah...y'all saved our...bacon," Applejack panted.
"Sunset Shimmer's not even here, silly!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. The others stared at her.
Rainbow glanced at her tail, which was completely singed black, and moaned. "Oh my gosh," she whimpered.
"Y'think that's bad?" Applejack muttered into the cool grass. "Mah flank looks like a Summer Sun barbecue." She let out a sad, whimpering little fart. "An' whut's worse, Ah'm still all gassed—"
Both mares' butts exploded into fresh gouts of flames, setting the grass beneath them ablaze. Pinkie shrieked as the two panicked, burning mares jumped up in the air and frantically tried to extinguish themselves. Twilight groaned and lowered her horn, squinting as she spread a suppressive field of magic that smothered the flames before the entire orchard could go up.
By the time the flames were put out, both mares' tails had burned away to stumps, and their rears were covered in angry red burns, blisters, and blackened coat hairs. They were still bloated with gas and looked utterly miserable.
"Are you alright?" Pinkie asked.
"Course Ah ain't!" Applejack thundered...in a weak, pathetic voice. "Ah done burned mah patootie off!"
"I...gotta fart again," Rainbow whimpered. A short, squirty whine of a toot bleated out of her butt, and she sighed in relief. "Whew. That was a close one."
"We need to get you two to the hospital," Twilight said.
"NO!" Applejack and Rainbow both yelled.
"Ain't no way Ah'm gonna be seen like THIS in Ponyville!" Applejack said.
"Yeah! I'll be a laughingstock! I'll NEVER get into the Wonderbolts if this gets out!" Rainbow agreed.
"But you're both covered in burns! And bloated with gas! You need medical attention!" Twilight protested.
"Can't you fix us up?" Rainbow pleaded.
"I'm not a doctor!" Twilight said. "I mean, I can fix up a few first aid potions and I know a first aid spell and Cadance's health bubble, but this is way beyond what I can do with my magic!"
"So what'll we do?" Rainbow whined.
"I just told you," Twilight said tartly, narrowing her eyes. "Suck it up and go to the hospital before you start farting fire again." Applejack and Rainbow Dash both groaned and gave Twilight pleading looks that said "don't do this to us". Twilight rolled her eyes. "No excuses. You need help."
Pinkie rubbed her chin with a hoof. "Maaaaaaybe," she drawled. Applejack and Rainbow lurched toward her, hope welling in their wet, teary eyes. Pinkie drew back with a whinny.
"C'mon, Pinkie!" Applejack urged. "Maybe whut?"
"Well, it's just...if you don't wanna go to the hospital, what about Zecora?"
Twilight's ears perked up. "Hey, yeah! Zecora should know what to do about this!"
Applejack and Rainbow looked at one another. "Better than the hospital," Rainbow said with a shrug. A pencil-thin lance of flame shot out of her butt.
"I'll go get Zecora," Twilight said. "Pinkie, you stay here and keep these two from burning down the farm." Before anypony could say another word, Twilight was gone.
* * * * *
"Good afternoon, Princess Twilight! What brings you here on this day so sunny and bright?"
"Zecora, we've got an emergency at Sweet Apple Acres," Twilight said. "Applejack and Rainbow Dash are both pretty badly burned, and...well..." She grimaced. "There's more to it than that."
Zecora's jaw dropped. "A fire at the Apple farm? So tragic! I take it you have need of my healing magic?"
Twilight nodded. "It...wasn't a fire...exactly...at least, not the farm. I'll explain on the way. Just, umm...pack whatever you need for burns, tail growth, and, umm...bloating."
Zecora raised an eyebrow, looking down her muzzle at Twilight. "An interesting combination, if the cause is conflagration. Perhaps you should explain what put your friends in such pain?"
Twilight sighed. "They ate puffer peppers," she said.
Zecora blinked. Her lips quirked. "Oh dear," she said. "What a quagmire. I take it their rears exploded with fire?"
"And they're still farting," Twilight said wearily. "Pinkie's looking after them to keep things under control, and it seems like the worst of it is over, but—"
"Ponyville has a hospital, does it not?" Zecora interrupted. "Taking them there would have been a shorter trot."
Twilight sighed. "They refused to go," she said. "They're, well...embarrassed."
Zecora snorted, her ears twitching. "Of course. Silly me. Must remember their dignity." She shook her head. "After all, what do they care if others are burdened by their senseless dare?"
Twilight blinked. "I never said it was a dare."
Zecora raised an eyebrow. "For what other reason would those ponies take such a risk, except for a silly dare's sake?"
Twilight laughed sheepishly. "True."
"I will gather the needed herbs and salves, but for proper treatment, I will need puffer pepper halves."
"That's not a problem," Twilight said. With a growl, she added sourly, "Rainbow Dash has plenty of them."
* * * * *
By the time Twilight returned with Zecora, Applejack and Rainbow were rolling around on their backs, eyes bleary and listless, stomachs bulging with unfarted gas. A scorched patch of grass surrounded each mare, and Pinkie stood at the ready with a contraption clearly cobbled together from the farm's irrigation system and several garden hoses. Her own face was covered with soot and scorch marks, and her eyes were bloodshot.
"Pinkie! What happened?" Twilight cried in alarm.
"Rainbow farted in my face," Pinkie growled. Rainbow twitched; Pinkie immediately hosed her down with cold water, eliciting a strangled yelp and a pitiful moan.
"What were you even doing that close to her butt?" Twilight demanded.
"I wasn't!" Pinkie said in an exasperated tone. "She shot a fireball six feet!"
"Goodness me, this is bad," Zecora said. "How many peppers have you two had?"
"Two each," Twilight reported. "They started farting fire after the second one."
Zecora sighed. "I see before me two fools," she said. "Do you see now why these peppers are against pony rules?" Shaking her head, she slung off her saddlebags and began going through them. "Before I begin treating your burns and your coats, you will each need to eat some charcoal-infused oats." She filled two feed bags with oats from a thermos; Twilight strapped one to each patient. As she did so, Zecora opened the crate containing the devastating puffer peppers and sliced two in half, squeezing the juice into a salve mixture which she worked into a paste with a mortar and pestle. After a long moment, she turned to Twilight. "If you would please smear this salve across the burns on their rears?"
Twilight nodded and, using her magic, applied a thick layer of salve to every burned area on both mares' rumps and flanks. While she worked, Zecora busied herself with a small device with a long rubber hose and a thick bone needle.
"Umm...what're you gonna do with that?" Rainbow mumbled hesitantly through her feed bag.
"Nothing you'll like, I'm sure," Zecora said with an evil chuckle as she advanced upon Rainbow. "Now, in the words of my tribe...UP YOURS!"
Rainbow jumped two feet in the air and let out a strangled, high-pitched yelp as Zecora jammed the bone needle straight up her butthole. Twilight gasped. "Zecora! What the HAY—"
"This swelling is too severe for charcoal oats to cure, I fear," Zecora said as she began turning a crank on the side of her device. "In order for this calamity to fully pass, I must suck out all this combustive gas."
Rainbow gurgled and wheezed through her feed bag, her eyes crossing.
"Whoa nelly," Applejack muttered, gulping audibly as her irises shrank to pinpricks.
"I always knew Zecora was an alien!" Pinkie Pie shouted exuberantly. "She's probing Rainbow Dash!"
Zecora shot Pinkie an unamused glare. "This will take some time," she said as she returned her attention to her cranking. Everypony could see a thin, shimmering ripple of exhaust blowing out of the side of the device, rippling the grass. Ever so slowly, Rainbow began to deflate, groaning and sighing as more and more gas was expelled through Zecora's filter.
"Of all the things I never needed to see in my entire life, this is right at the top of the list," Twilight muttered, shaking her head.
Five minutes later, Rainbow Dash was almost completely back to normal. Zecora pulled the needle out of her butt. A foul-smelling haze hung over the farm. Rainbow slipped off her now-empty feedbag and panted, laying her muzzle flat on the grass. "You really are evil, Zecora," she groaned.
Zecora chuckled. "You will be fine in an hour or two," she said. "And now, Applejack, I will deflate you."
Applejack worked free of her feed bag. "H-hey, clean that thing off first," she said. "An' are you really sure that needs t' go up mah hiney?"
"Where else?" Zecora said as she stuck the needle into the ground and twisted it, then pulled it out slowly and held it out to Pinkie, who carefully hosed it off. She hauled her suction device over to Applejack. "The gas can only come out this side. Now hunker down and..." She chuckled darkly. "Open wide."
Applejack narrowed her eyes. "You're enjoyin' this way too much," she said. She braced herself, letting out a pained grunt and squeezing her eyes shut as Zecora shoved the needle into her butthole...
* * * * *
Evening had fallen.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack were both resting comfortably on cottony beds Twilight and Pinkie had assembled in the barn. Both mares' butts were red and raw, with shiny half-healed burns glowing through sparse regrowth of their coats. Their tails had begun to sprout tufts of unscathed hairs.
The rest of the Apple Family had, of course, learned of the whole escapade, and had spent a solid hour laughing at the two mares. Zecora had left a supply of salve and conditioner and instructions on burn care and coat and tail restoration, then returned to her cottage with the remainder of the puffer peppers.
Twilight had returned to the library for an hour, and was now back at the barn. "How are you two feeling?" she asked.
"Tired," Rainbow said. "Sore."
"Embarrassed," Applejack said.
"Well, I hope you both learned your lesson," Twilight said. "No more of these ridiculous dares, alright?"
Rainbow and Applejack looked at each other. "Deal," they said with weary sighs.
"Good. Now, I have something for you," she said. Her saddlebag opened, and two shiny silver medals floated out. "You both put so much value on winning some stupid title that you nearly killed yourselves, so it's only fair you get what you wanted. Both of you." She hung one medal around each mare's neck. "Of course, under the circumstances, you'll have to settle for a tie."
Rainbow sighed. "Tied for Most Daring Pony," she grumbled. "Doesn't seem right."
"Sure don't," Applejack agreed half-heartedly.
"Oh, don't worry," Twilight said cheerfully. "You're not tied for Most Daring Pony." She giggled. "Read the medals." And with that, she turned and left the barn.
Applejack and Rainbow looked at each other. Curiously, they turned the medals to read what was inscribed on them.
"Most...STUPID Pony?" Applejack cried.
"What the—TWILIGHT!"
"Git back here, you so-called Princess!"
Outside the barn, Twilight snickered and teleported away.