Cut off from her allowance by a certain parent of hers' (Not her father, surprise surprise) Diamond Tiara decides to try her hoof at foalsitting to make some extra bits. A nice, easy job, right? Hmm...
Cut off from her allowance by a certain parent of her's (Not her father, surprise surprise) Diamond Tiara decides to try her hoof at foalsitting to make some extra bits. A nice, easy job, right? Hmm...
Set in the middle of season six. You know, because she hasn't received much airtime recently, so let's try and make up for it, shall we?
"But Moooom..." I whined at length, to practically no effect.
"It's no good pining now, Missy..." she sniffed, pointedly turning her back on me with her hooves crossed. "If you choose to act like one of the underclass, you can start earning your keep like one of them."
"B-but..." I protested, desperately scrambling for something pertinent to say. "Y-you can't expect me to do that! I-I'm just a little filly, for Celestia's sake!"
"A little filly who's caused a giant headache for me and your father!" My mother shook her head at my presumed arrogance. "After your careless stunt at the school which cost us the price of an adventure playground, and the finances lost from funding your dismal election campaign, we're dirt poor. I can't even afford to have my annual colonic irrigation treatment because of your thoughtless shenanigans. Oh me, oh my, whatever did I do to deserve such a selfish daughter?!"
Deciding to ignore her blatantly hypocritical final comment, I continued to press my case. "I-I don't regret making a lot of my fellow classmates happy, it's the least me and you can do, after the way we've treated them over the years. Also, you can't say we got nothing out of the school presidency contest... I mean, just take a look in our garden!"
At this point, I trotted over to the silken curtains of our living room where this animated discussion was taking place, pulling the cord to open them with my mouth. A few months ago, I would have used my hooves, but now, such pretentiousness seemed to lose it's flavour completely.
Neither did the predictable disapproval of my mother frighten me the way it used to, and her deep-set scowl upon seeing her daughter engage in such unseemly behaviour barely registered on my radar, where before it might have had me cowering in the corner.
"What exactly am I supposed to be looking at, dear?" She turned around slowly with the appearance of somepony expecting a big disappointment, kind of like her perception of how I'd turned out recently.
"Take a look in the middle of that garden there..." I gestured with my hoof into the distance.
"... Which one where, darling?" Despite using many terms of endearment, Mother sounded as bored as ever.
"The second one from the right. You can't miss it." Of course, being stinkin' rich (sorry, grandpa) has certain advantages, like having the biggest mansion, a huge entourage of servants... and more bought-up land than Sweet Apple Acres.
"Oh, you mean the one where the old fool is embarrassing himself yet again?" She haughtily remarked.
"...Yes, mother. If you say so." I rolled my eyes at her typical callous nature.
She was, of course, referring to Randolph, who was dragging around the lawnmower as he attempted to tackle the forever growing summer grass. Hey, he may be making heavy weather of it, but at least he's doing something. Not like Mrs the-most-I-have-to-do-all-day-is-sign-a-few-papers, before-retiring-to-my-boudoir...
"Sorry, to interrupt your daydreaming, dear..." Mom stood there tapping her hooves impatiently, breaking me out of my spell. "But I do believe you had something you wanted to show me. If you could be quick about it, please..."
"Oops, sorry..." I blushed, while regaining my poise. "I was talking about our new structure in the middle of the chrysanthemums. Look at all of the happy birdies!"
I cited the stone statue that I'd posed uncomfortably for, over a period of two tedious days. Supposed to stand pride of place in the middle of the schoolyard after my anticipated reappointment to high office, it instead now languished in the Rich family grounds, a favourite roosting spot for any passing avian lifeforms to rest and preen their feathers on.
Fluttershy would have been thrilled, but my mother... less so. Considerably. "Oh wow, so the local pigeon and sparrow population have found somewhere new to excrete, all on my coin! I feel so elated, being the proprietor of a new refuge for rats with wings everywhere! Call the media! This is sure to land me in the centre pages of the Canterlot Times! I can just see the headline now: Spoiled Rich: Flying Vermin Enthusiast..."
"Okay, you've made your point..." I hoofpalmed at this juncture, realising I was heading up a one-way street in my argument. In trying to appeal to my mother's better nature, I'd forgotten the main drawback: she didn't have one. "But it's better than nothing, right?"
"'Nothing' is precisely what it is, darling..." She spun about and moved away, her prodigious nose left hanging in the air. "As you seem to have forgotten the very foundations our illustrious family was built on though, I wouldn't expect you to understand that. So, until you regain your senses and start acting like a member of this household again rather than one of the hired help, all you'll be getting from us is the very minimum required by law: Three square meals a day, with free bed and board. Think yourself lucky you have that much, because if we had our way, you'd be braving the elements with naught but a cardboard box and newspaper for covering."
"U-us? W-we? O-our?" I stammered, unable to believe my ears. "You mean to tell me... father's actually on board with this?!"
"Lock, stock and barrel, dear. Well, I won't lie, it did take a bit of friendly persuasion..." Mother smirked, with the look of a spider who'd just devoured a fly. "But I soon had you singing from the same hymn sheet as me, isn't that right, sweetheart?"
"Y-yes, that's right." A very agitated Father suddenly popped his head from around the corner. I didn't even realise he was listening. "N-now, you be a good little filly and do as your mother asks. P-please, for all our sakes..."
My poor Daddy. It must have been another all-night assault on the eardrums again for him. Now that my Mother has seemingly lost control of me for good, no prizes for guessing who's getting the brunt of her frustration. I can't help but feel somewhat guilty at possibly causing him to have a nervous breakdown in the near future. As a lowly child though, what can I possibly do to remedy the situation?
In the meantime, all I could do was mutter the typical refrain of "Yes, Father. Sorry, Mother." While slinking out of the room, with my head bowed and my ears drooping.
As I left in 'shame', I stopped briefly to hear my mother's unmistakable titter of triumph, followed by her saying, "Now, that's what you call proper parenting, dear... when both the grown-ups stand together firmly on their principals like a stone wall. When she discovers she can't even afford to have her precious tiara polished, she'll soon come crawling... and we'll have our obedient little girl back. I shan't let a bunch of uncivilised misanthropes undo nine years of dedicated training in one fell swoop! Now, because you were so compliant back there, I'll let you run along to play with your little toys for half an hour."
"That'll be... pretty good..." Father walked off as if in a daze, to collect his golf clubs.
"Stallions... you can't live with 'em, yet you can't live without their chequebooks..." Mother sighed in resignation, before leaving the room, no doubt to refurnish herself further.
I somehow managed to swallow the bile that rose to my throat and forced myself outside into town, taking one last glance at my sculptured likeness in the garden before I departed. If the birds ever need somewhere else to poop, I have the perfect candidate in mind...
"But... she can't do that. Is there nothing you can do?!" Silver Spoon gasped with horror upon hearing my latest tale of familial woe, which even by my mother's despotic standards of punishment, seemed cruel and unusual.
"I'm afraid not..." I sighed in defeat, as the two of us trudged dispiritedly over to Sugarcube Corner. " I hate to say it, but I think she's right. All she has to do is provide me with the basics such as shelter and nourishment, and everything else is a luxury. If that wasn't the case, then half of the poorest pony parents in Equestria would be arrested..."
"Well, you could at least try something..." Silver Spoon frowned, unwilling to accept that as a final answer. "Can't you talk to Princess Twilight? Surely, as the resident royalty 'round these parts, she'd be able to help you..."
"I'm not sure being deprived of pocket bits really falls under her jurisdiction of 'Friendship'..." I replied, certain that I'd be humiliating myself by even turning up at the castle unannounced. "Plus, she's got enough on her plate these days, what with that new student of hers' I've seen wandering around town..."
"Oh yes, I know who you mean..." Silver Spoon pondered, while adjusting her glasses. "She seems like an interesting character. I was at a magic performance the other day, and she did this thing with Trixie that was most impressive. Honestly, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear that showmare's panic after the manticore stunt was completely genuine..."
"Well, anyway..." I wanted to change the subject, having missed out on that particular experience due to my six month grounding at the time, which had only just expired. "That's not an option. I'll just have to find another way of earning some coin, or I'll have to go without. I'm certainly not going to return to the bully I once was, whatever I do next..."
"I'm very proud of you, Di..." I suddenly felt a grey hoof around my neck, as my best friend looked at me with undisguised pride. "You've made a clean break from the past, and regardless of what your mother might think, I know everypony else is much happier with the new you. Especially me."
"Y-yeah, w-well..." I wiped a stray tear away from my eyes. I had no idea how that got there. "That's all very good, but that doesn't help me in my current situation. I'm afraid I'm not going to be great company today, watching you eat your muffin. I can't even afford my usual shake..."
"Well, maybe that's something I can assist you with..." Silver Spoon was all smiles, as she dipped into her saddlebag to retrieve her generous allowance. "My treat today, for the reformed filly: An extra large helping of ice cream, that you don't even have to steal from me this time. On the house, for you to drown your sorrows in. Don't say I never do anything for you."
"S-Silv..." There were those darn tears again. I wish they'd go away. "I-I promise I'll pay you back as soon as..."
"Nonsense!" I felt her hoof close my mouth again, though much gentler than on that fateful day of the election. "This is my treat, and you totally deserve it. In fact, with a mother like yours, I dare say you warrant some kind of medal for outstanding bravery. All I expect you to do is find us some decent seats while I go and order. Though, if I were to make a request, somewhere in the shade would be nice. I won't be long. See you soon."
With this, Silver Spoon took her leave, while I contemplated what a formerly despicable filly like me did to merit having such a loyal BFF such as her, after everything I'd dragged her through. I'll make it up to you Silv, even if it takes forever...
It was while I was dwelling on my reprehensible acts of the past and as I was looking for a decent spot to rest my weary bones that I saw it. A poster on the wall of the eatery, scrawled in a strange elongated style, almost as if the author had some sort of hyperactive disorder. It read as follows:
FOALSITTER WANTED FOR TWO SUPER ADORABLE BUNDLES OF JOY. PLEASE APPLY WITHIN. FREE SACKS OF FLOUR INCLUDED WITH ACCEPTANCE OF POSITION. FUN FUN FUN GUARANTEED!!!!!
What an... odd advertisment. So informal, undescriptive... and since when did the bonus of a cooking ingredient encourage somepony to go for a job?!
Still, beggars can't be choosers, and that's exactly what I was reduced to now, in my present unfortunate circumstances. I made my way inside, deciding that an afternoon of saying coochie-coo a lot and changing diapers was far preferable than being skint until marehood.
And it all should be a piece of cake... or rather, two small pieces of Cake.
Little Sugarcube Corner related joke there. Hilarity, thy name is Diamond Tiara.
The bell hanging over the threshold lightly jingled as I made my way inside the cafe. Silver Spoon, in the middle of placing our order to the irrepressible Pinkie Pie, looked at me in surprise as I ventured over to the counter.
"Di, I told you to relax, while I got us our snacks! Heh, that rhymes... did you hear that just now?" My friend giggled at her accidental display of poetic genius.
I shook my head in bemusement at her self-congratulatory statement. "Yes Silv, very droll. But I'm here to talk to Pinkie actually, as soon as she's finished serving you... well, us."
"Oh, okay..." My bestie seemed pensive for a second. "I thought for a moment there you wanted the two of us to sit inside, which would be crazy on a boiling day such as this. Or, that you believed I'd forgotten to purchase your ice cream that you asked for just a second ago. I mean, I know sometimes I have a bad memory, but expecting me to need to be reminded of something this soon is daft..."
"Silv..." I interrupted my aggravated friend with a reassuring hoof on her back. I knew what a sensitive subject her occasional forgetfulness was for her. "It wasn't either of those things, I promise. I always had complete faith in your ability to get our order right the first time of trying. Now, if you'll just finish things up with Pinkie here, I'd quite like to have a little word with her afterwards. Between you and me, this may provide a solution to my monetary worries..."
"O-oh really?!" Silver Spoon wasn't sure what to make of my optimistic proclamation. "Well, I'll get out of your mane then..."
She turned back to Pinkie to conclude their transaction. "So, as I was saying, that'll be one extra-large triple-scoop of vanilla ice cream with all the fixin's, and a blueberry muffin for yours truly, please. Because I'm in such a giving mood today, I might even hoof you a bigger tip than usual if you serve us fast enough. Do you think you're up to the challenge of not getting distracted, for a change?"
"Who, me?" Pinkie seemed shocked at the mere insinuation she could be anything less than a model of vigilance at her job, but a closer inspection of her track record would reveal extended delays caused from anything ranging from a passing fluffy dog to a falling leaf. "Why, how rude! I'm never anything but the perfect waitress, isn't that right, Gummy?"
She made a kissy face at the beloved pet by her side, a not-exactly responsive toothless baby alligator. Me and Spoonie looked at each with concern, if she was going to linger until she got a reply from her reptilian companion, we'd probably be here until graduation.
"E-er that's fine, we trust you to hurry things along..." Silv stated, not altogether convincingly. "I'll wait for you outside, Di. Please make sure she's got our stuff before you join me..." She added as a whisper, before scampering through the front door into the midday sunshine.
"What's with your friend..." Pinkie asked me as Silver Spoon left, the older mare wearing an expression of somepony who was a little offended. "You'd think she was questioning my powers of concentrat... oh, wow. I didn't realise we had white chocolate sprinkles in stock!!"
As her face suddenly plastered itself against the glass case containing the toppings, I sighed in annoyance. Same old Pinkie. One of the nicest mares around, but the attention span of a particularly high-strung goldfish. "I think I've figured out who wrote that note outside..." I pondered to myself.
Somehow she heard me in her own little world, and tore herself away from the cabinet to respond. "Note? Oh, you must mean the advert I placed on the wall! Yep, I'm not too proud to say that was all my own work! Me, me, me! The Cakes didn't think I could do it, they wanted to hire a professional. But, as soon as they saw my wonderful hoofwriting and the way I described the gorgeous twins, they practically begged me to fulfill the task! Or was it the other way around...?!"
"Well, anyway..." I wiped a bead of sweat away from my brow. Getting through to this space case might be even harder than the foalsitting gig itself. "It doesn't really matter. I'm here to declare my official interest in the position. I mean, I'm not sure how many other applicants you've had so far, but I can honestly say, that despite my tender years and complete lack of experience in foal care, I'll be a committed..."
"You're hired!" Pinkie's sudden interruption put a complete dampener on my brilliant speech, which I'd rehearsed for at least two minutes before entering the building. "I'm sure you'll do just fine. I can tell just by looking at your enthusiasm and drive for the assignment, here and now!"
"W-what, just like that?" I couldn't believe my luck, not to say I wasn't happy. "B-but, what about the other ponies who applied? Also, you don't know anything about me. For all you know, I could be an escaped..."
"...Diamond Dazzle Tiara, nine years old, scion of the Rich family line, recently reformed school bully. Special Talent: Ordering other ponies around. Likes: Swingin' cute ceneras. Dislikes: Brussel sprouts. Can I share a secret with you? Neither do I..." She murmured that last part in my ear, after rattling off virtually my entire CV.
"E-er..." I stuttered, unsure of how to react to this excessive reveal of so much personal information. "Okay, I take back what I said about you being in the dark about my background, but I don't see how any of that has to do with my competency at being a..."
"You'll be great, of that I'm absolutely, positively, one hundred per-cent sure!" Pinkie beamed. Well, I guess that clears things up. "Plus, me and the Cakes were starting to fret a little. You see, that notice has been up for a good while now, and tomorrow's the day we go away..."
"T-tomorrow?" I raised my eyebrows at this knowledge, which didn't leave me much time to prepare, before I realised something even more revealing. "W-wait a second... if the note's been up there for ages with no reply, t-that must mean..."
"That you're the one and only applicant! Lucky you!" Pinkie's concept of personal space was a little different to mine, and she began squeezing my cheeks vigourously. "Anypony would think it was a hard job... but it's not, really. Okay, so they can get a bit rambunctious at times, but as long as you know what you're doing, the three of you should get along swimmingly! Just don't take your peepers off them for a second, find somewhere to hide if the going gets tough..."
As Pinkie continued to prattle on during her unrequested massage of my facial area, her words began to drift into a steady stream of inanity. I began to weigh up in my head just what I'd agreed to. Why, in the middle of unemployment-hit Ponyville, had nopony else bothered to apply for such an apparently simple job? Was there more to these foals than I'd been told? They'd looked so sweet, the day of the school election results when I saw them, hugging their parents lovingly during my depressing trot around town. The twins had kind of reminded me of what I'd been missing out on for all these years...
"Hello? Are you listening to me? Equestria to Diamond Tiara: Please come in..." My deliberations were abruptly cut short by a frantically waving Pinkie, and I realised, not for the first time that day, I'd paid an unscheduled visit to La La Land.
"U-uh, my apologies. I-I've got a lot on my mind right now." I stated, trying to sound as officious as possible to save face. "What was it you were talking about again?"
"I was explaining about the flour, silly filly!" She chuckled, not offended at all by my lapse in attention. After all, I still had a ways to go before I caught up with her on that score. "Do you know what to do with it?"
"O-of course I do." I huffed, unwilling to admit I hadn't heard a single word she'd said on the subject. "I get it as a bonus for the job, and then I go back to my mansion and make pies with it. I've recently started cookery lessons, funnily enough..."
Much to my surprise, Pinkie burst into spontaneous laughter upon hearing this obviously inaccurate answer, and put a hoof around her pet in her merriment. "Did you hear that, Gummy? She really was on another planet a few moments ago. I tell you what... you still seemed a bit jet-lagged from your trip back to reality, so if you arrive nice and early tomorrow, I'll show you the ropes before me and the Cakes leave. Better not get dressed up all fancy-schmancy though, things could get kinda messy..."
"M-messy...?" I scratched the back of my head in bewilderment. I wasn't exactly planning on wearing anything chic for the occasion, but that sounded rather ominous.
Also, if I tracked any kind of muck onto the freshly cleaned floors of the mansion later, my mother would have the perfect excuse to go ballistic at me once again, and sanction even more unfair reprisals for my 'insubordination'. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all...
"Yep. Not to worry though. As I indicated in my supremely done advert, you'll have lots of fun, and it'll be good practice one day for when you have foals of your own! See you at the crack of dawn here, yes? By the way, here's your order... I took the liberty of putting it together while you were exploring the galaxy inside your head just now. Will Madame Fusspot waiting for you outside finally be satisfied, do you think?" Pinkie hoofed me a tray with two treats delicately balanced on it, still bedazzling me with that omnipresent smile which never seemed to fade.
Meanwhile, my own mouth was uncontrollably salivating at the sight of that delicious looking multi-tiered ice cream Madame Fussp-Silver Spoon had been so kind as to treat me to. Walnuts, almonds, candies on top as well... I'd be in taste nirvana after the first mouthful.
How my bestie could munch on that plain old muffin while I tackled this decadence of dairy is beyond me, but hey... it was her idea. Also, despite her protestations to the contrary, I did plan to make it up to her at some point. She deserved nothing less.
So grateful was I for the party pony in front of me for creating such an unhealthy masterpiece and so desperate was I to rush outside and introduce it to the interior of my gullet, all thoughts of quitting the job left my brain instantaneously. I staggered to the door, a pool of drool left in my wake, holding the tray aloft, determined not to spill one tiny piece of this gastronomic marvel...
In my deep trance, I barely heard Pinkie's farewell remark. "See you tomorrow, then!"
Neither did I see the tiny white object left lying on the ground en route, before it was too late.
CRASH! BANG! WALLOP!
My backside was firmly planted on the floor all of a sudden. The tray spun around in the corner, vibrating rapidly from the impact of the unscheduled fall.
And, the ice cream... was everywhere.
Especially around my fur and mane.
Mother would absolutely flip, as I'd already predicted. Great, just what I need right now...
My mood of desolation was undercut by Pinkie wandering over, her silent pet perched snugly on her spine. "Oh Gummy, what did I tell you about leaving your new false teeth where other ponies could trip on them?!" She playfully chastised him. "It's a good job you're so darn cute I couldn't possibly get mad at you, because otherwise..." She nuzzled the emotionless reptile with real affection, while I looked on with wide-eyed incredulity.
"Erm, hellooo... what about me?" I gestured to my own good diary-product-saturated self, with a hint of my old acrimony creeping into my speech.
"Oh, Whoopsie! My bad! Well... mine and Gummy's bad, really. Tell you what, we'll slap a fresh one together for you, right away! Also, as a token of our apology, I'll ask the Cakes to pay you double tomorrow what they were going to! How does that sound, Miss Tiara?"
"That's all fine and dandy, 'Ms' Pie, but just look at me! My parents will have a heart attack if I go home like this! What on Equestria am I supposed to say to them?!"
"...Hey, I've just had a great idea! Gummy can clean you off! He loves ice cream, dontcha know. Little known fact: It's how his lost his teeth in the first place. I always felt partially responsible for that, seeing as how I introduced him to the stuff, which is the reason I saved up enough to buy him the falsies! They cost me a small fortune, it's not easy finding them baby alligator size, oddly enough. Anyway, I'll go over and rustle you up another mega-sundae, which I promise will be a squillion times tastier than the last one! Gummy, get licking. I expect this good filly to reemerge as pink as when she arrived when you've finished. See you both ssooonnn..."
"But Pinkie, I really don't think..." My voice petered out as I watched her skip blithely into the distance, my stomach sinking to the extent I almost felt my belly hit the floor. Suddenly, I'd just lost my appetite...
I stared down at the unblinking reptile in front of me, feeling an unexpected kinship with the statuesque creature all of a sudden.
"How do we do it Gummy? I mean, cope with our overbearing guardians? Unsung heroes, both of us. Oh well, you better get started, I suppose. You can begin with my fetlocks..."
Silver Spoon almost choked on a stray blueberry in her muffin when she heard about my plans for the following day. "W-what?!" She coughed, delicately wiping her mouth with a serviette to preserve her dignity. "I know desperate times call for desperate measures, but this is ridiculous. For one thing, you don't know the first thing about the foal care..."
"I'm a quick learner, and besides... what's so hard about looking after a couple of little ponies for a day?" I squirmed a bit in my seat, unsure what had felt more uncomfortable: being immersed in frozen diary produce, or coated in alligator spittle. At least the latter was invisible to the naked eye, which was all I needed to avoid my mother's wrath. Good enough.
"Well, plenty. Especially those two. I shouldn't really be telling you this, but... I've heard rumours." Silver Spoon covertly glanced from left to right, before leaning over the table to whisper something in my ear. "Apparently, Pound and Pumpkin Cake are somewhat... advanced for their years, and even caused Pinkie lots of problems when she sat for them soon after their arrival. Who knows how much of a hoofful they'll prove for somepony much younger. I'm not saying any of this is fact, just... be careful."
"Honesly, Silv, I'll be fine." I chuckled half-heartedly, unwilling to show that her ominous words had drained my confidence a notch. "Also, why are you acting so secretive? This is hardly a spy novel, and you're not exactly James Pony. Try not to be so paranoid..."
"You forget, this is Pinkie Pie we're talking about here..." she continued to exercise maximum caution, staring at a nearby trash can, as if the party pony could pop up out of it any minute. "There are those that say she transcends time and space itself. If that indeed is true, I wouldn't be surprised if she were eavesdropping on us right now..."
"Really, Silv. You must stop with all the weird conspiracy theories. You're beginning to sound like one of those deranged basement dwellers." I didn't want to come across as too harsh, but sometimes she did overthink things a tad. "Anyway, my ice cream is getting col- I mean, warm, so if you don't mind, I'd quite like to eat it before it becomes a yogurt, if it's all the same to you..."
"Alright, Di. Just don't say I didn't warn you, when you're climbing the walls later on..." Silver Spoon bore me the sympathetic gaze of somepony who didn't know what she was getting herself into. I might have a few misgivings myself, but whatever. A filly's gotta do...
Anyway, right now I should be focusing on unwinding after my unpleasant morning of being lectured non-stop by the Wicked Nag Of The South. Let's hope the old adage is true: Ice cream blows all your cares away.
I was just about to deposit the first dollop of delicious into my ailing mouth, when I spotted something shuffling out of the corner of my eye.
Was it just my imagination, or did that bush over there... move an inch?
Oh no, it's finally happened. My best friend has infected me with her perpetual neuroses. Thanks a lot, Silv.
After a few more aimless hours of pottering around town and lots of trivial chit-chat about what's hot and what's not, me and Silver Spoon finally parted company at my gate, although she couldn't resist a final "You'll be sorry..." as she faded into the distance. Oh, she of little faith. I'll show her! I'll show them all... Oops, did that sound a little crazy back there?
Regardless, I straggled myself to the front door as slowly as I could, trying to make every step last for an eternity. Why? I'll give you three guesses. Actually, one should do it. Well done in advance for being correct.
The bane of my existence was currently in the kitchen as I entered the large hallway. Cooking? You must be joking... she was haranguing the head culinarian for the unforgivable crime of putting a pinch too much salt in the soup. I feel for you, Master Chef. I hope you get a good severance package in the morning.
More in hope than expectation, I tip-hoofed up the stairs, praying to Celestia that her rendezvous with the doomed servant would provide ample distraction while I made good my escape.
No such luck. Her organs of hearing were almost as sensitive as her sense of smell, which was massively heightened for... obvious reasons. "Diamond Tiara? Is that you, dear? Come here this instant."
I sighed in frustration, but decided that obeying mother was far preferable than her actually coming upstairs and dragging me back here. Which she's done before, believe it or not. I know, it's a stretch."Yes, Mother. I'm coming."
Sauntering back to the ground floor, I crossed paths with her just as she left the kitchen, the distraught face of her latest entry into the dole queue being the last thing I saw before she shut the door. She eyed me suspiciously as I approached, then, when I was within firing range, grabbed me without warning and began to run her hooves roughly through my fur.
"H-hey, what do you think you're doing?!" I struggled in her grasp, but it was to no avail. She was obviously determined to check me thoroughly over for some as yet unknown reason, and she wouldn't stop probing until I'd been given the third degree. Possibly the fourth, too.
"The high-class mares from the bridge club are coming over tonight..." She forced my jaw open, examining each tooth individually. "I want you to look at your best, not like your father, who's hooves were covered in mud when he came back from the golf course. I know his first name is Filthy, but he needn't have taken the term quite so literally..."
"Fadder woz dertee?" I attempted to speak, but it's hard to enunciate when your tongue is being held up by your mother, as she pokes around for any microscopic food particles in your mouth.
"Really dear, please don't talk while I'm trying to help me-I mean, you..." She'd now reached my mane, and was separating and yanking it uncomfortably. "Yes, he returned from his game looking like somepony who'd been dragged through a hedge backwards, and then forwards again. Disgusting, it was. Needless to say, we won't be seeing him for the rest of the evening. We'll show him how to make an impression, darling..."
Now, if you'd told almost anypony outside our town that a hard-nosed business stallion like my father could be grounded by his wife, they'd have laughed in your face. You can't really blame them, after all... ponies like Mom only come along once in a Luna blue moon. That wasn't meant as a compliment, by the way.
Actually, thinking about it further... it wouldn't be the most shocking thing in the world to discover that Daddy had purposefully got himself mucky on purpose, to avoid having to hob-nob with the pretentious bores at the Grande Dame club my mother was so desperate to charm. Maybe he was more cunning than I gave him credit for...
In the meantime, Mom seemed reasonably satisfied with my current appearance. Miracles do exist, it seems. "Well, you don't look perfect, but it's a start. Go upstairs now, and put on your best ballroom gown. The ladies will be here at... hang on a minute, just what is that on your flank?!"
It was as I turned to ascend the steps she'd spotted the stain. I found myself elevated into the air, my tail unceremoniously lifted up, and my hind-quarters being scrutinised at close quarters by an angry mare. "Is that... a speck of Ice cream I see on your posterior, my filly?"
"M-mother... personal space!!" I blushed as red as a beet, flapping like a fish out of water in her hooves. It wouldn't do any good though... she'd spotted an imperfection, and was in for the kill.
"Nonsense, child. I gave birth to you, so your body is just as much yours as it is mine..." She then relocated me to under her right hoof, and I was carried up the steps. Quick march.
"W-where are you taking me?" I gasped. All resistance was futile at this stage.
"To give you a nice, long, hot bath..." She replied sternly, without bothering to look at me. "Usually, I'd leave such matters to the hired help, but seeing as tonight could be the difference between me being a social elite or pariah, I have little choice but to tackle the unpleasant job myself. We'll start with the buttocks region. I'll scrub every last trace of that peasant concoction off you, just you wait and see..."
I mentally cursed myself. If only I hadn't been so picky about where Gummy cleaned me, this might never have happened.
Now, I was in line for even more humiliation, and it was nopony's fault but my own.
I'd rather not dwell on the mortifying experience of spending more than an hour in a lather filled tub, having every product in the history of cosmetics dumped on my drowning form as my mother brusquely washed me everywhere with extreme prejudice.
Nor will I bore you with the details of my 'illuminating' evening with the Grande Mare's guild, as Mom kept me at her side all night, forcing me to laugh at her terrible jokes while nudging me in the stomach every so often to avoid my falling into a coma.
Let's just skip to the next morning, and me sneaking out of the mansion as the sun rose to begin my first day of meaningful employment. It had totally slipped my mind to tell my mother about my first paying job... actually, that's a lie. If she ever found out her daughter planned to spend the day with icky, sticky foals, my financial difficulties would be the least of my worries.
I could just imagine her at this precise moment, cashmere sleep-mask over her eyes, snoring loud enough to raise the dead. If you think she looks a sight during the day, wait 'til you get a peek at her with a mud pack on, exhibiting her tonsils to an unwilling world. Who needs horror movies, when you can see them for free by opening the door to your parents bedroom?
As for my far more down-to-earth Father, he usually got up this early anyway, to squeeze in a bit of time to himself before the she-demon arose from her unholy sleep. Newspaper, hot cup of coffee, a padded chair... just one hour of peace, before his day of subjugation began. Without it, he'd probably go insane, and then I'd be stuck with mother all alone while he was carted off to the nut house. It goes without saying, but I had no intention of telling on him.
The strange thing was though, as I navigated my way through the grounds, I thought I saw a trace of his black mane from the window, almost as if he was witnessing my egress. When I looked again a split-second later, it was gone. Weird. I thought I'd done enough to creep out undetected, it must just be my mind playing tricks on me again. Spoonie will have me believing in time travel next...
I reached my destination, and swung open the door to Sugarcube Corner, all set for a day of fun and frivolity with two little cherubs. I wasn't expecting it to be plain sailing all the way, but if I could cope with life under Mrs Control Freak, surely a couple of adorable foals wouldn't represent too much of an additional challenge, right? Right.
The first thing I noticed when I glanced inside was a state of utter disarray. Bags were flying everywhere, Mr and Mrs Cake were rushing about as if their lives depended on it, and in the middle of all the pandemonium was Pinkie, who was uncharacteristically standing stock-still, as if waiting for something.
That 'something' was me. The moment I poked my face through the threshold, she galloped over and started shaking me like a fizzy drink, her vocal chords moving at approximately a zillion miles an hour. "Sosorrygottagonotimetoshowyouwhattodotrainarrivingearlierthanwethoughtdon'twannamissitIcan'twaittoseeCheeseSandwich..."
"H-hey... h-hey..." the world had suddenly turned into a spinning top. Fortunately, I'd skipped breakfast that morning, otherwise it might be decorating the inside of the shop by now. "I-I c-can't t-tell w-what y-you're s-saying. C-could y-you s-slow d-down a-a b-bit, p-please?"
"Oops, sorry..." Pinkie miraculously seemed to regain control of her senses, and dropped me onto the floor. "Basically, the upshot of it is, somepony misread the schedule for the Friendship Express, and we have to leave this second. Hope this doesn't inconvenience you!"
"W-what, r-right n-now?" I stammered, still recovering from my unanticipated white knuckle ride at the hooves of my employer.
"That's correct! I know you're more than capable of handling things though! Just think of this as an extra test!" Pinkie was already halfway out the front door, but stopped briefly to give me a list. A very long one. "Everything you need to know is written down, in alphabetical order. You better start with the important stuff first. I hope the three of you have a marvelous time, getting to know one another. If you enjoy it, and I'm sure you will, we might even turn it into a regular thing! Well, goodbye!"
She took her leave before I'd even finished processing all this new information, and she was quickly followed by the Cakes, but not before they'd proffered their own, far more lucid farewells.
"We have complete faith in entrusting you with our young ones, Miss Tiara..." Mr Cake was the first to speak. "If Pinkie Pie recommends you, then that's good enough for us. Incidentally, sorry about her little mix-up over the train timetable. That mare is a hard worker, very popular with the customers, but she can be somewhat disorganised occasionally..."
"Anyway, here are our little treasures..." Mrs Cake, without any fanfare whatsoever, dumped her two foals onto my lap. "Make sure you take good care of them, please. If you need any help, any help at all, don't hesitate to contact an older pony. We'll be back later this evening, we promise. Ta-ta for now..."
With those parting words, the Cakes were gone, although Mrs Cake had the presence of mind to switch the sign from OPEN to CLOSED on the door before she departed. In a bit of a tizzy at the task I had ahead, I began to consult the list, which was about the same size as an anaconda in length, for clarity. Let's see, A... Always keep your eyes on them...
That was when I had my first little hiccup. You see, I shouldn't have been able to read the top of the list at all... there should have been a blonde-tufted female foal and a brown-tufted male foal still residing on the paper.
But there wasn't. They'd vanished without a trace...
