WE WILL PROVIDE THE HAMS!
The bloodcurdling screams of the dead or dying filled the night air. The sky burned red, as if the invades had cut a blood-spurting vein of the very clouds. From above, ominous, obsidian, pyramid like structures hovered overheard the various towns and villages of Equestria. More and more craft, like minuscule black insects darted around the Tombs. Upon them, Necrons, vile, near emotionless cyborg aliens prowled the skies for Pegasi. Below, their brethren were laying siege to any and all who resisted.
Shields of magic, or makeshift ones crafted out of tables or old planks of wood did little. The energy discharges from the rifles of Necrons either broke, or passed through the barriers like a pair of scissors through construction paper. Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Twilight watched this all via scrying spells, looks of horror or despair etched onto their faces. ¨By the Maker, this is horrible.¨ Twilight muttered, tears welling in her eyes.
Celestia sighed, ¨It has been a long time since I´ve used this,¨ she slowly pulled out a black hoofguard, with metallic buttons coating it, and strange, golden ruins etched helter skelter, and slipped it on. Immediately, the metallic buttons on the hoofguard shot out, connected via wires, onto every inch of her body, like some kind of kinky sci-fi sex toy, probably for masochists, or sadists, or sadomasochists, or masosadists, if that is indeed a thingie.. Luna stood and watched, knowing what was to happen. ¨Oh magic pain glove, what must we do?¨ she spasmed for a few seconds as the hoofguard sent violent shocks of electricity through each one of her nerves. She took it off, smoke rising from her. ¨The magic pain glove has spoken. We must reach into the deepest, dankest depths of the Multiverse´s asshole, to find a worthy champion to save Equestria from these invaders.¨ The three other Princesses nodded, as each had studied the Multiverse Theory, and even been to other dimensions.
The four stood in a star patterned, ¨Concentrate.¨ Luna said, as, one by one, their horns began to glow. Beams of their magic met in the center, as a portal appeared in the center of the group. Universes upon universes flashed by. Ponies, a really fat orange ¨human¨ with a stupid toupee and utterly moronic ideals, humans, Altmer, Cylons, Daleks, Crystal Gems, weird, creepy puppets, and much more flashed by. Soon, one final image appeared. A broadsword, shining and resplendent, atop an open book with silver wings at either side appeared. ¨It has chosen a saviour.¨ They stopped their spell, and stepped away from the large, throbbing peni portal.
Out of it, a humanoid silhouette emerged. It was tall, maybe eight or so feet. It was also quite muscular, which, when you have a problem, smashing it would help. The light dissipated, as the figure gazed forward. He was imposing, clad in silver, rune etched armor, that glowed with awesome power. His limbs were like tree trunks. His hair was smoothed back, and small wire like devices were connected to his face. In one tight hand, he gripped a blade, etched with a rune, the pommel a skull. It crackled with sinister energies. In the other, was a shield, shaped like a one in Roaman numerals, or an I, perhaps both. A skull split the I in half. He opened his mouth, ¨HAVE YOU KILLED ALL THE TINY MEN WITHIN MY BLESSED BEARD?!¨ he yelled, his voice rivaling the Royal Canterlot Voice, or ROYAL CAPSLOCK VOICE in this case.
The Princesses looked at each other, and blinked. Celestia turned to the man, ¨No, we have called you here, for we are in mortal danger.¨ she gestured with a hoof at the burning nation. ¨Strange, skeletal beings emerged from the sky and are laying waste to our nation.¨
¨Say no more, fair pony with Rainbow Brite hair!¨ The man said, ¨I, Kaldor Draigo, and the Ordo Draigo,¨ Immediatly, several more of the man appeared behind him. ¨Shall deal with this thing! And we shall bring the hams!¨ A chorus of ¨Ham!¨ echoed from the Ordo Draigo members, who were all Kaldor Draigo, and he was all of them.
¨H-how, what, w-¨ Celestia balked, jaw dropping. She pointed a hoof at each in turn, they face hooved. ¨Very well, you and the Ordo Draigo, or whatever, must go and defeat-¨
Kaldor Draigo waved his sword around, a manic grin on his and his Ordos´ faces, ¨We have already defeated them!¨ He cheered, scratching his rough, grey tinted beard.
The Princesses of Equestria turned around, and gazed at Equestria. The hustle and bustle of citizens going about their day could be heard, rather than the sounds of weapons firing, screams, and somepony defecating themselves fives times over while huddling in fear in a puddle of their own piss. The Tombs that had held the Necrons were in ruins, and smelled like pork. Below, in a literal mountain of bodies, were thousands upon thousands of Necrons, their limbs bent, twisted, and bitten in ways no mortal, cyborg or otherwise, you be bent in. They were all covered in ham, some in bacon, which sizzled in the morning sun.
¨Now,¨ Kaldor said, his sword now holding the head of Trazyn the Infinite´s head, mounted on it. His Ordo carried all of the epic loot they had recieved from raiding Trazyn´s museum, ¨We must go,¨ each of them looked skyward, slowly rising into the air. ¨OUR PEOPLE NEED UUUUUSSSS!¨ As one, they sped off into the cosmos.
Twilight looked at her assembled Princesses, the same awestruck and confused lovechild look plastering their faces. ¨What just happened?¨ she asked. All of them opened their mouths to answer, and fainted.
Equestrian legend tells of the day when the Legendarious Legendary Ordo Draigo Legendarily saved Equestria with Legendary Hams, and Mary Sue-ness. Legend also tells of this order screaming as they fell from the skies to save various worlds across the cosmos, accompanied by one Sly Marbo, HERO OF THE IMPERIUM! screaming with great vengeance and furious anger, all who would threaten ponykind. And they all did it with weaponized hams.
The End....or is it? Because WE STILL NEED TO KILL ALL THE TINY MEN IN I, KALDOR DRAIGO´s BEARD!
Shut up Kaldor! *Stuns Kaldor with Emperor´s Power Sword brand plush replica*
The End....or is it?
Tune in same Kaldor time, same Draigo channel!