All in the Head. But Mine or Yours?
Hello.
That is still a greeting is it not?
I apologize if my eyes upset you, I worked a long time to keep myself from blinking around people.
I don't even need to close them for sleep anymore.
But I digress.
That's the term right?
No no forgive me, I'm about to go on a tangent again.
We can't have that now can we?
Let's return to our hello.
I would let you greet me but we haven't the time for that now do we?
Sorry about the ramblings. I've been here so long I think I might actually be starting to lose my mind.
I wasn't crazy when I got here you know. In fact I wanted my freedom more than anything.
But at one point I realized the in was better than the out if you catch my meaning.
Cease your perverted fantasies!
Oh, sorry, were you thinking straight?
I'm not. I've been here too long you see.
I laugh sometimes.
Its fun.
The doctors think I'm crazy but they were never sane in the first place.
Want to hear my laugh?
HA HA HA HA HA HA ha.
See? Not too right in the head to be laughing like that.
Where were we?
Oh, that's right .
You came here for a story.
I should probably tell you one then.
Its funny.
I thought it would be fine.
I thought I would be safe.
Safe?
What a funny word.
Nothings ever really safe.
I came to this town because of a peculiar malady.
Malady.
That's a sickness.
Not very many people knew what it meant when I was out.
Wait wait wait.
That's two tangents in two minutes.
I really have to stop getting sidetracked here don't I?
As I said and as I say again. I came to this town because of a malady.
That's right a malady.
The people of this town were insane.
Didn't expect me to say it out loud well I did.
THEY'RE INSANE!
And I'm going crazy too.
I can't eat anything made by her or I'll be released.
I don't want to go crazy do you?
Oops that's another tangent.
Who is her you ask? I'll tell you.
She's the cause of it all. Something in her skin.
It drives folks insane.
She was here for a year and had everyone going insane within a month.
Its a miracle the town still functions.
The trouble with madness is that you can't cure it.
You can hide it but you can't cure it.
And her madness was contagious.
She was given the birth name Patricia.
No one knows her last name but I think it begins with a letter of the alphabet.
She called herself Pinkie.
They humored her at first but then they got their own names.
The towns dentist was first.
Clara MacDonald became known by two names.
Colgate and Minuette.
The local farmers, the Addams were next and changed their name to Apple.
Mickey to Macintosh.
Alice to Applejack.
Sally to Smith.
Annabeth to Applebloom.
Soon everyone was changing their names.
The seamstress, the teacher, the millionaire.
Sarah to Sweetie, Ramona to Rainbow, Donald to Donut.
The only person unaffected was a hermit from the Congo.
She still survives by playing along.
She understands the method to madness.
An enviable trait.
I've said madness too much haven't I?
Its boring now.
Let's try lunacy.
We haven't used that one yet, right?
I was sent by the president.
A wonderful woman named Celine.
They've corrupted her name too now.
Call her a princess.
But the most bizarre thing wasn't the names it was the pon- PEOPLE.
That's right they're people.
I can't forget that.
No sirree can't forget that.
That's right they're people, but they think they are animals.
Horses to be specific.
Don't call them horses though they prefer to be called ponies.
That might save your life someday so keep it in mind.
They believe in unicorns and pegasi.
Believe that some have magic while others can fly.
I don't know how many died jumping off cliffs.
The worst thing?
Pin- Patricia.
She was insane too.
Whatever she does brings the other people into her fantasy.
Its terrifying.
The mind is stronger than reality.
What is believed is stronger than what is perceived.
HA HA HA HA HA HA ha.
That rhymed.
As I said before I was sent by the president.
Me and my assistant arrived not long after the pandemic started.
He didn't last long.
He lost his mind a long time ago.
I wanted to discover the source.
The source.
That's right the source.
Patricia.
It didn't take long.
She lived in a bakery with a family known as the Cooks.
They lasted longer than most but were too afraid to do anything.
Pinkie got them in the end.
Does something feel off to you?
Something changed.
We should hurry.
I tried to last but when they saw no change they showed me what they could do.
Party.
I used to love that word.
Now it just means pain.
They surprised me in my lab.
Tied me up and shoved cinders down my throat.
Then they beat me with a baseball bat.
Pinata.
What If the pinata could scream?
Would we stop?
Apparently not.
Next they injected adrenaline and kept me up for three weeks.
Then they threw me in here.
I'd lost everything.
My family, my assistant, my dignity.
Now all I have left is my name.
Ta- wait, now I know what's wrong.
Your name.
You said your name was Timothy.
But Timothy became Twisted Time.
Time.
I'm out of time aren't I.
All you've left me is my name.
Tabi- wait, wrong.
It started with a T didn't it?
Or am I crazy?
No no it was T something.
Te?
Ta?
Tr?
Tw?
Tw.
Tw Tw Tw Twi.
That's right.
Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle.
And I'm a pretty princess.
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Twisted Time stood up from his desk. Tabitha. Tabitha Sparrow. His latest patient. He always enjoyed this part. They were always so willing to talk to someone. It was fairly easy to manipulate them. Once they were fully trusting him he started driving them insane. Twilight Spakle was smart of course, but Tabitha had been smarter. He still couldn't believe he, of all the ponies in Equestria, had managed to discover the secret to making portals.
It had all started when he was researching spells in the Royal Library. After getting his pass into the library and making his way into the castle, he took a few wrong turns and ended up in a strange room. In this room there was nothing but a mirror. Even stranger,he could feel magic radiating from the mirror. After examining the spell on the mirror and writing the components in his journal, he asked for directions and found his way to the Royal Library. But he still had a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. What did the spell do? Being a Stallion of Science, he of course attempted to cast the spell. He went to a bathroom and barred the door with his magic. Then he cast the spell on the bathroom mirror. To his disappointment, all he saw was the street he lived on. Assuming it was a scrying spell, he prepared to remove his magic when he felt a breeze. Being indoors and alone in a bathroom he had turned back to the image. Cautiously, he moved towards the glass and to his immense surprise, walked out onto the street.
After this event, Twisted Time poured all of his energy into discovering the secrets of the portals. Eventually he made a breakthrough. By reading through a book of Discordian knowledge, he opened a gateway to another dimension. It was only a small gateway but it was just big enough for his eye. Peering through, he gazed in wonder as ducks of all things, were running the town. Surprised by what he saw, he did what any scientist would do, repeated the experiment. Every world he saw was populated by strange things, some were populated by nothing but nightmares, while others, nothing but cake. But his biggest breakthrough was when he found humans.
The humans immediately piqued his interest. They had much higher brain functions than any other creature and yet were still as dumb as a rock farmer. This made them the perfect candidates for his plan. By making a copy of a pony's consciousness and overpowering a humans, he could effectively give a human the mind of a pony. He of course, needed his own way of controlling things inside the universe and found a host for himself. A pleasant young doctor named Timothy Tollman. Twisted Time felt a little guilty at first,overpowering a other creatures mind like that, but it soon faded. He wove a complicated enchantment that gave him the ability to control the consciousness he implanted at any time and then began phase two.
Twisted Time found the friendliest ponies he could. He even copied the mind of one of the bearers of the Element of Harmony. After collecting enough minds he enchanted them so that anyone coming in contact with a possessed human, would be driven insane. When he implanted the minds the plan went off without a hitch. Everywhere his minions went, madness followed. He than began gathering the madness energy into his lair, containing it in a million tiny gems. Soon phase three would be complete.
Phase three. The final step. He didn't remember where he got the idea but he assumed it was from reading one of the Discordian books. The plan was simple obtain enough madness energy to open a portal to the realm of the Draquoneqqus. For that was the secret of the portals. To open a portal to another realm you need to develop someway to connect a piece of your world to that world. He stumbled across the humans while trying to open a portal to a realm populated by Diamond Dogs. Fortunately the humans were just as controllable as the dogs. And with insanity being a multi universal concept, he would soon have enough madness energy to open a gateway to discords realm, and drain all of the chaos energy currently residing in the realm, into his body. Once his plan was complete he would have enough power to rival the princess's! He could see it now. Marching down Main Street as all the ponies of Equestrian bowed down to him. It truly was a magnificent plan. If only he could remember when he first dreamed it up.
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The two ponies stared at the patient from behind glass walls. Twisted Time. The pony had been found outside the Royal Place babbling about portals to other dimensions and strange creatures called "hyoo-mins." The curious thing was that instead of trying to help the pony as she usually did, Princess Celestia had him put into a psychiatric ward immediately. Both of the ponies behind the glass, a Pegasus and an Earth Pony, didnt question anything they had been told by their superiors. They just frowned and tried to drown out the patients hideous laughter. It really was the laughter of a madpony. High and low at the same time. It was the laughter of a pony who had remembered the punchline to the funniest joke in the world, but couldn't remember how to tell his friend why it made him laugh.