Last night Tommy was asleep in bed, living a normal life. Then he is rudely awoken in a place very far from home, full of horses. What will he do? What will the aforementioned horses make of him?
Last night Tommy was asleep in bed, living a normal life. Then he is rudely awoken in a place very far from home, full of horses. What will he do? What will the aforementioned horses make of him? Unfortunately for him this world is pastel coloured and bright. Like it was dreamt up by little girl. Being as he likes nothing better then squealing guitars and fast aggressive riffs and drums, this world does not sit well for at all.
This fic is set around the middle of season 6, which will alter cannon events in the future.
“Uhh...” I groaned as I slowly regained consciousness. My head felt like it had been whacked with a cricket bat as I groggily opened my eyes, then almost immediately regretted it as powerful bright lights greeted me like how they would greet a deer in a trucks head lights. Squinting, I could vaguely make out blurry shapes around me, mostly white or brown, furniture maybe? Noises were also distorted and warped and the only smell I could make out was the smell of bromine and other antiseptics. My brain, addled as it was, tried to piece the different concepts that greeted my conscious. I honestly didn’t know what to make of it. Eventually it dawned on me that I wasn’t home any more. ‘No, really?’ my mind sarcastically spat at my incredibly obvious inner statement. My brain wanted to file a complaint on the rudeness and callousness of my inner workings, then promptly gave up on account of something of that being impossible, considering my eccentric brain was trying to keep me calm, due to my current situation.
I distinctly remember turning off my silver coloured bedside lamp, before folding the slightly browning page of my copy of ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy’, which conveniently held four of the five books in the supposed trilogy. I distinctive remember having considerably difficulty getting to sleep, before exhaustion finally overtook my senses, as it does to someone staggering home from the pub after having one too many pints. Hmm, I must be in a hospital bed, right? The bland white walls, the smells of sterilising fluids and the, erm, myriad of medical devices which were positioned around me, like they were all sentries, standing over an important fortification. Ooh, right, that must be what that beeping sound must be. Now that my senses have decided to come back from lunch and have began to re-establish their posts, I can now start to make sense of my surroundings.
Come to think of it, where did these wires come from? Why am I naked? Wait, if I am at a hospital or something, that must mean that I was in some sort of accident? But that makes no sense. I was asleep in bed. I mean I haven’t had anything major occurring before I went to sleep. Fine, I had a cold, but that isn’t really anything too much to worry about, was it? Now that my brain has finally co-operated with its various senses, I can finally try to piece this puzzle together. Raising my head slowly, as my neck was very stiff, I could finally look at what incident had befallen me. Nothing. There was literally nothing with the current condition of my body, other then, you know, the stiffness. There was a couple of different wires (or rather electrodes/ sensors, I don’t know or care which), along with some thin clear tubing, the latter of which was attached to my nose with a small clip. Interestingly, I saw no IV drip, and the only device I recognised was the heart rate monitor, which was the culprit of the constant beeping sound. Yep, I’m alive, yippee.
With my brain confused and somewhat drunk attitude, it sent out a request to remove the devices which covered it surfaces. With equal disregard for the consequences, my limbs agreed and proceeded to pull the nodules off my flesh with minor lethargy. Moving my weary hand to my face, I carefully unclipped my nose, then carelessly tossed the breathing apparatus to the side. Following that I also removed the sensors on my forehead, obviously monitoring brain activity. Once I had finally removed the last wire, I tossed it on the floor, landing in a tangled heap on the ground. This was followed by a long ringing beep as it flat lined. Eh, I’ll just pull the plug from the wall and... Wait, there is no plug! Who powers hospital equipment on batteries alone? Oh well, guess I better turn that infernal thing off before it gets on my mind too much. Pushing my hands out to my sides and pushing down, I rose from the (soft, very soft) bed with the same amount of grace that a drunken cow has(which is to say, very poor).
With some considerable effort, I swung my long hairy legs sideways over the edge of bed, and then gradually rose to my feet. Damn, everything is so small! I kinda fell like how Jake Sully in Avatar felt when he first saw the world in his Na’vi body. I mean, I’m not the tallest person I know, not by a long shot, but god damn, everything looked like it was designed for someone half the size of me. And when I mean everything I mean EVERYTHING. Hell, even the door on the far side of the room was only slightly shorter then I was. The bed behind me, despite how comfy and plush it was, was only about a foot or two off the cold tiled floor, coming up to just past my bony knees.
On my wobbling legs I moved to the offending device and found the big red button on it. Well, I assume it means off, right? Much to the relief of no one except me, the infernal sound cut off, leaving me in the company of the sounds of my slow breathing. Walking around the room (Still in the nude with my man hood out) I found the only thing which bore any sort of investigation what so ever before I could even consider walking out of the almost featureless room was a large wooden crate, which was concealed behind the large cluster of the still yet to be identified devices. It was a dark mahogany, or something similar, I wasn’t too good on my tree/wood types, though it had a very nice glossy finish to it. In the centre, a small, what I assume to be a brass latch protruded.
Throwing caution to the wind (not that I had anything else to throw, mind you) I flipped open the latch and peered inside. OK, this is getting weird. Why do I have a full set of MY clothes in there? I certainly remember only wearing a pair of boxer shorts last night, so why would these be here? Further more, my rucksack was also propped up next to the pile of neatly folded clothes. Pulling out the inexplicable clothing set, I noticed it was my typical getup. On the top, my pair of Etnies shoes, which were black suede, though it was slightly browned with mud at the bottom. Inside, a pair of thin black socks. Under the shoes was my Levis jeans, this pair had seen many a day, as was made clear by the worn knees. A black studded belt snaked it way around the belt loop, which made it very clear to anyone that punching this would not be a very good idea. Below was a pair of blue boxer shorts.
Lastly was a heavy metal t-shirt. Emblazoned across the top with obvious intent on catching the eye as brashly as possible was ‘IRON MAIDEN’. The design itself was the space themed album cover of The Final Frontier, which sported the bands mascot Eddie (as a space alien) gripping a glowing key in his alien hands, standing in the decrepit wreckage of what presumably was a space station or colony; a myriad of stars glowed in the dark blue expanse behind the green monster, it's blood floating in the low gravity in small spheres of red.
With a little difficulty, I slipped into my clothes, instantly feeling more comfortable, both being in my own clothes and the fact my dick isn’t swinging around like a fleshy pendulum. Picking up the bag, I quickly made my way back over to the bed (that was oh so comfy). Swiftly pulling the zipper, I glanced into the main pocket, which seemed to be crammed tightly with books, which gave the bag itself a very rectangular and blocky appearance. It seemed to be a combination of both fiction and non-fiction, with included, from first glance, the entire ‘Hunger Games’ series, the previously mentioned ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy’ books and ‘Germany’s Tiger Tanks: VK 45.02 to Tiger II’, though there were more concealed behind, which seemed to defy all logic of the size of the bag.
Was it like, using Time lord technology now? The front pockets yielded electronic items, and to my delight, my i-Phone was there, its sliver logo glinting in the powerful light. Other items included my expensive solar charger, which I received for my 16th birthday and my portable speaker, which I bought for 12 Euro on a school trip to Italy. Hmm, I wonder if I could get service here, maybe call my parents or something. Turing the Phone on, It quickly informed me that their ain’t no service around here, and, after poking around settings, no wifi either. Great. How the fuck did I get here, to a place that, looks somewhat modern, yet has no connections at all. I mean, I live in the middle (or close enough) of England, pretty much everywhere around there has at least mobile data. Maybe, just a crazy stupid thought, I might be in another country.
Placing the almost useless device back into the bag, I zipped it back up again and slung it onto my back with about as much care as lion takes to tear into its hapless prey (which again is imply not much), then I moved towards the door. I mean, I’m not a prisoner, I’m a free man. If I was, I probably would have been greeted by guards as soon as I woke up, or I would have been chained to the bed like something from a BDSM porno, I guess (I mean, I’m not into that sort of stuff). Now at the door, I slowly pulled the handle downwards, my body filling with fear like the Titanic taking on water. What would be there to greet me, or would I be alone? ‘Don’t do it, moron! Stay put!’ my mind began to scream at my brain. However, after the minds sarcastic remark and its clearly insulting nature of its command, the brain had taken enough abuse already and was not going to stand for it. Firstly, its reply was a middle finger toward my mind, followed by a ‘what’s worst that could happen?’ and ‘Screw you, you are not my mother!’ as the metal handle could not go down any further.
Poking my head out of the portal, I glanced left, followed by a swift glance right. It seemed to be a passageway or corridor of some sorts, rather unsurprisingly. Left there was doors, and more doors, stretching about 30 metres down the hall, which was capped off by a large glass window. From this I could see the sun, which was low on the horizon. Does that mean it is morning, or is it evening here? I have no reference for the length of time I’ve been out. It could easily be either. The celestial body sent long beams of yellow light shining off the ivory white walls. To the right, It was a fairly familiar scene, without, you know, the huge ball of burning plasma and the fact that the hallway seemed to split off into multiple directions, the main parts being a reception area and the other a passage way made of stone.
Cautiously, I walked in the only logical direction, which is pretty much the most logical and intelligent decision I have made since I have managed to heave my arse out of bed. I inched my way slowly down the passage way, trying to make as little sound as possible. Thankfully I’m not quite that heavy footed, despite what some might say. Moving through these seemingly deserted hallways gave me a bit of a chill. I have seen no evidence of other people here at all, yet the place looks spotless. The floor gleamed like it has had a buffer over it not a few days ago. It all looked sterile, spotless even. I just had some growing feeling that someone was watching me, watching my every move, studying the things I did, and the pattern of my ways. Stopping just short of the reception area, I became aware of a new noise. It sounded like, well, it sounded like high heels on a hard surface. There was a slight echo, which also made me realise there was two of them. Maybe they were here for me? Certainly seemed like they would. I strained my ears, trying to hear their voices. The suspense hung in the air the way that bricks don’t. Very quietly at first, slowly growing in volume, I could start to make out a voice.
“...Yes Princess. The creature is still in a what appears to be a deep sleep, almost comatose state since the last report on its condition was filed. I hate to disappoint you your Majesty, but I firmly believe that it will still be in the same state that it was the last 6 days you observed it.” It was a masculine voice, very baritone and militaristic sounding. Those must be a really hard pair of boots to make that sort of sound. I craned my head to hear the response, wait creature? What were they talking about? Surely it can’t be me right. They are distinctly speaking English, so they had to be people, right?
“Well Major Garrison, I believe it is my duty as Princess of Equestria to keep an eye on the personal affairs within it’s boarders, no matter how uneventful. This creature resembles one of those ‘humans’ that Twilight Sparkle encountered in Mirror World, yet it has other features that define it from those humans. It possesses objects that appear to be technologically superior to anything we possess. Regardless of its current state, we cannot allow a being like that to escape and potentially terrorise my subjects”.
Wow, that did not clear up any loose ends. What the hell type of name is Garrison? Sounds like a name for a bloody GI Joe or some cheesy action hero would have. And this regal sounding “Princess of Equestria”, who ever that may be or, more to the point, where the hell it is. My guessing is that it’s some sort of micro nation, like Sealand or something. But she clearly said human like she has no idea what it is. If she is talking about me, which I am inclined to believe about anything at this point, then she called me ‘technologically superior’. Yeah, because no one has ever heard of an i-Phone in English speaking countries, heck, try most countries in the world for that matter.
Cautiously, I began to edge away, noting how close their footsteps are sounding. However my whole endeavour was quick thwarted by the dastardly entity know as gravity as my foot landed upon my shoe lace.
“Shiiiiiiit!” I yelled as I came crashing down onto the cold hard floor. God, how can this day get any worse?
“Did you hear that?”
Double Shit.
“Why, yes major. I suspect our guest has woken up, and is eaves dropping on us.”
Triple Shit.
Adrenaline began to pump around my body as I scrambled to my feet. The slow rhythmic movements of their footsteps had turned into a gallop, as silly as that sounds. I bolted. My minds was screaming at my brain to move its limbs and save itself. It didn’t need to be screamed at, it was already panicking and in turn yelling at its limbs to pump and run as fast as they could. They agreed this would be a sensible idea. I couldn’t fight them, One sounded like a member of the military, the other royalty, and I am not inclined to go and start hitting royalty, with the repercussion and what not. In no time at all I reached the end of the corridor. I was trapped. With all my strength, I wrenched at the nearby doors. Pushing, nor pulling would yield results. They wouldn’t budge.
“FUCK!” I yelled as I tried to kick the hard wood door, to no avail is appeared, as a sharp jolt of pain shot up my leg. Twisting my body around I saw the two people. Or rather not people, but two bloody horses. My mind and brain both looked at each other and went ‘What the fuck?’ in unison. The one on the left was short, but looked very stocky and muscular. It (He?) wore, no joke, a set of golden armour, the look of which vaguely looked Roman or Greek in design, complete with a large blue tuft of hair sticking up at the top. His coat was brilliant white, perfectly groomed and cleaned, as smart as a military uniform.
Beside him was what I guessed was the Princess. Tall and thin, she stood head and shoulders over her stockier counterpart. Upon her head, she wore what looked like a golden tiara (Because that was exactly what it was), which covered part of her ethereal mane. I mean, it wasn’t quite a rainbow, but damn, the entire thing looked like it was caught in a gentle breeze, kinda like a superheroes cape. Below the crown was a bloody horn! I must be going crazy, right? Unicorns don’t exist, right? OK, wings too, this is getting ridiculous. Still goggling at her, she took small steps forward. Despite being a horse, she still had and maintained this royal and regal feel to her. Her guard glared at me, but made no movement.
“How do you do?” she said, very calmly and gently, trying to put me at ease. I decided to play along.
“Erm... Fine, I guess; First time I’ve ever seen a unicorn” I said back, a little apprehensive of the response. I think she smiled back at me? God it looks so weird when she smiled, it just doesn’t sit well in my mind, because of the whole, she’s a horse/unicorn thing.
“I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not a unicorn. I’m an Alicorn. Though I could say this is the first time I have ever seen a human.” The snow white alicorn is still trying to put me off my guard. My mind is screaming that this isn’t real, this is a hallucination or a dream, and I am inclined to agree. This seems so far fetched to be real. I have to be dreaming, but this feels so real. Maybe, just maybe, its a simulation, like in Rick and Morty. That thing can’t be real, it must be a hologram or something. What if this is some sort of government scheme to get information from its citizens, but even then, I don’t think the British government would do something like that. Wait, if this is a simulation or dream then...
I dived through the, quite thin in reality, glass. I then proceeded to fall two or three stories onto hard cobbles. Yep, this is real. The pain sure is there, but it isn’t major, some bruising. Then I put my hand down to push myself up, right onto a shard of jagged glass.
“Fuck!” I cry out as I watch blood pour down my hand and onto my arm. It drips to my elbow before dripping onto the greyed floor below. Yet again stumbling like a fool to my feet, I wrenched the shard out of my hand; Holy hell, that hurts even more taking it out! Quickly glancing around, I spotted an open gateway about a hundred metres ahead of me. With adrenaline still coursing through my veins, I began to run off at a frighteningly fast pace. I didn’t care about the yells of surprise or their shouts to “Stop right there!”. Everyone was on high alert; I just let my legs carry me as fast as I could manage. Tearing down the court yard, I began to put my years of rugby training to good use, barging anything that got in my way. I knew I had to keep running, to keep going. I was so determined to push myself on. I barely even noticed I was at the gate, flicking my head up, it revealed that there was only one guard. He was sweating bullets and his somewhat intimidating look failed to put me off.
“Stop right there right no...” I charged into him, wrapping my arms around him and drove forward, pushing him along with little problem as I lowered my body. His legs were all tangled as he tried to push back, but of course to no avail. He was just fodder, after all. Twisting around him, I let go of his body, causing him to crash to ground, the sound very audible as his plate armour clanged against the stone floor. I didn’t look back, I still had to get out of here.
“THOU SHALT STOP IMMEDIATELY!!” God, that was so bloody loud! It had that same regal tone to it that the white Alicorn thing had, but it was much harsher, more ancient and certainly had a lot of commanding force behind it. I wanted to say ‘No’, but I have more important things to do then responding to a disembodied voice. Huh, so it was evening then. The sun had set and the moon had begun to rise. Fortunately, this means everyone will be in bed, so I have a clear path.
“THOU HAST NOWHERE TO GO!!” Yeah, nice try bitch. Then I was hit in the small of the back by a heavy, fast moving object, to which I crumpled and hit my head on the ground. Everything is going fuzzy, blurry. I could only just make out a pair of dark metallic shoes before everything went black.
“Uhh...” I groaned as I regained consciousness. Huh, deja vu. Regaining my sences my faster then before, I quickly took stock of my current situation. Well, the room looks similar, I guess, but that didn’t really hold too much weight around here, considering pretty much everything was a dull white. I was on a familiarly comfy bed (oh so soft), however I was not hooked up to any sort of equipment. Although I wasn’t hooked up to anything, I certainly was chained up to the bed. Glancing to my left, then to my right I saw two huge metal cuffs attached quite firmly around my wrists. Huge rings of metal formed heavy chains that snaked their way off the bed, attaching to what I assumed to be brackets on the floor. Wait, was that mirror always there? Fucking mirrored glass. I would be willing to bet money that that big white alicorn thing was watching me, taking notes of my reaction to my situation. Well, better play along.
Placing my hands either side of me, I attempted to push myself to a sitting position. It was hard work, considering how weighty the manacles were, but I only managed to go about 30 cm before their was no slack. I applied more pressure, which was about as effective as attempting to trying to win a game of tug of war against a team of wrestlers, with the excess slack tied around a tank. After this pointless exercise I flopped back down. Trying to move my legs, I found they were under similar conditions, being restrained by heavy clasps and chains.Oh well, at least I wasn’t naked this time. Pulling my head down over the edges of the bed, my suspicion of the chains being connected to the ground was confirmed. Propped up against one of the dull metal legs of the bed, was my bag. It lay there, being about as useful as a bowl of petunias falling from atmosphere. Looking towards the ceiling, a small black box was mounted , pointing towards me. I presume this to be a speaker of some sorts. The black stick next to it was obviously a microphone.
“Good Afternoon” That same regal voice of the white alicorn rang out, still with the same air of sophistication that she had had when we met. “How was your sleep?” Huh, making fun of another’s pain, well that’s very kind of you.
“Never better, though, I have a, uh, this pain in all the diodes down my left side”. Giggling like a little girl, I collapsed onto the bed, realising what I had just said. Well, as my brother may or, in my confused brain, may not have said ‘Try to make the best out of any conversation’. I sure she didn’t have the foggiest idea what I said, well, like I cared.
“Well, I can assure you that you don’t have any pain their. Though I suspect you hand is probably in some though.” Looking to my hand I just registered that, yes, my hand had been bandaged, and that there was a dull throbbing pain that was their. My brain immediately gave my pain receptors in my hand a cut in their pay for their shoddy work. “I need to ask you a few questions, regarding a multitude of different personal and general details that we need to find out about. Please see this is because you are an alien species and we simply need this information in order to fully understand you.” Right, the best thing I could do was to tell the truth, to honestly answer her queries so they could figure out this situation together. So I immediately thought ‘screw this’. I mean, why should I give away personal information.
“OK, fire away” I could already guess what the first question would be. It was, after all, the first thing any logical being would ask you when they were trying to introduce themselves or find out about you.
“What, is your name?” Totally called it. I silently wished the next questions would be, ‘What, is your quest?’ and ‘What, is your favourite colour?’.
“The name’s Dr Ivo Robotnik, how do you do?” I reply with my best poker face, hoping she would buy it.
“Please, tell the truth...” She replied flatly. Damn, too obvious I guess. No masquerading as an evil genius for me.
“Fine, my name is, Zaphod Beeblebrox.”
“Try again...” Whoa, she was good. One more try.
“Dell Conagher.” I replied as firmly as possible, hoping I would pass.
“I can see this isn’t going to be an easy relationship. Stop trying to be difficult and, please for one, answer the question.” Fine, you got me.
“OK, its Thomas Chatten. Don’t get your royal knickers in a twist.”
After a few seconds static filled the room. “Thank you. I thought it was going to be impossible for you to not tell a lie.” At this comment I turned towards the mirror, then stuck my middle finger up at it. Their was a pause, probably trying to work out what I just meant. I followed this up with a smug grin. Static refilled the room after a while. “Next, although we have already guessed your species, can you please tell us what you are?” I briefly considered the positives of trying to be civil and reasonable with her, adhering to her questions. However my brain couldn’t find the folder that contained the necessary positives for being civil to her, so it gave up looking and promptly said ‘screw this’. The only option I came up would end up with infuriating her further, so I chose that.
“Dalek” I sternly insisted. I could almost feel her eyes trying to bore into me in frustration. “Fine, fine I was kidding. I’m really Klingon.”
“STOP SPOUTING SLANDEROUS LIES AND TELL US THE TRUTH!!” That same ear wrenching voice burst from the speaker. Jesus, that thing had to be getting a sore throat often. I guessing that she had to be also royalty, judging by her tone and dialect. Should I pursue my current be-a-massive-dick approach, or be a good boy? Nah, I’ve been a good boy too long back home.
“Say please.” I firmly stated back towards the mic. I then turned towards the the mirror, giving them the same smug faced look.
“WHAT!!! HAS THOU NOT REALISED WE ART ROYALTY!!!? Hopefully my ears don’t bleed, that would be unfortunate. “Yes, I figured that out. It’s just I thought that royalty was suppose to have more manners. You sound like you are trying to impersonate a certain dictator with your voice.” I shot back at her with an almost matter of factly voice. God was it fun pissing this one off.
“THOU WILL COMPLY OR THOU WILL LOSE PRIVILEGES!!!” I suspect this conversation is beginning to reach fever pitch, considering what she is threatening.
“Heh, heh. Fuck you. I’m human, Homo Sapien, by the way.” I guess I’d better tell them eventually. I mean its not like I can go anywhere or anything.
“THOU WILL BE MORE COURTEOUS NEX...” She was cut off. Obviously someone had enough of her bawling and tried to stop me from provoking her any more. Clever ponies.
“Thank you Luna, that will be all, dear sister”. This was followed by an incredibly long and deafening silence. However it is impossible to be made deaf by nothing at all, as my mind, brain and ears reminded me of this, rather obvious and seemingly pointless to point out fact. Finally static filled the room again. “Now Tommy, would you please tell us where you are from?” Ooh, being polite now are we? Seems like I was beginning to get to them.
“I live in England, United Kingdom, Europe, Earth, Star System Sol, Third Dimension.”
“See, that was easy now, wasn’t it?” She appeared to calm down a little, only a little though, as was made evident by the slight huff in her voice. “Last question for now, how did you get here?” Oh, well, that isn’t a question I can actually answer; This is of course due to the fact that I had been out cold for, apparently, just under a week. So I came up with the best possible answer anyone has ever come up with ever.
“I don’t know.”
“I see. That will be all for now”. Wait what. She was serious? I gave her the most vague possible reply I could muster, yet it was sufficient? Before I could make some sort of response, my shackles were enveloped in what looked to be some sort of aura. It was a light yellow colour, which, after a few seconds, caused the metal pieces to drop to the floor, letting out a dull clang as it made contact. “You are free to roam your room. Don’t try to escape or anything of the sort”. She that last part in a very smug and trollish manner. I’m guessing that glass wouldn’t budge, even under some heavy bedside table application. The cell would most likely be monitored almost constantly, unlike my other room, so I really couldn’t do too much else. The room yet again filled with a faint static. “You are free to ask me any questions that, I have no doubt, are are on your mind”. Well, thank you alicorn thing, that would be really useful.
“First off, who are you?” I decided to do this series of questions kind of like what she did, though I hoped the responses would not be a shit ton of references and lies.
“My name is Princess Celestia. I am the ruler of the land of Equestria, along with my sister, Princess Luna.” OK, didn’t really expect that. I’ve been insulting and slagging off both of the rulers of this land. Also Equestria? Well, sure, I’m inclined to believe anything at this point really.
“So, I’m guessing we are in Equestria, right? I mean it would be a little silly if wasn’t, would it?
“Yes, you would be correct. More specifically you are in the capitol, which is known as Canterlot.”
“Lastly, when am I allowed to go?” The question hung heavy in the air, like the cloying smell of your brothers girlfriend’s perfume. From the pause she was giving me, I suppose that the answer would be a tricky one from her to put into kind words.
“I’m afraid that we cannot let you go. At least not yet, unless you prove yourself to be trusted and safe to be around. That however has been impeded slightly by you previous actions last night. Just what were you thinking, leaping from that high?”
“Though this must be a dream or something. I mean, unicorns, especially talking unicorns, seem so far fetched. They are the stuff of legend and myth in our world. Unicorns are seen as creatures of purity and grace. They are not real. The most serious thing they are seen in is the national animal of a country called Scotland, but that's about it really.” Woo, thanks brain for that useless titbit of information.
“No, I’m afraid this is not a dream. I should know of course, having lived in this world from thousands of years. I assume that is the last of your questions. I will come back some time later. Have a pleasant evening Tommy”. Then the mic cut off again. Picking myself up off the bed, I strode over too the glass, pressing my face into the glass and cupping my hands to block out as much light as possible. Inside I could only make out very vague shapes of figures, which, of course, were equine in shape. They appeared to holding notepads and were taking, what I assumed to be notes about me. Well, if they are going to be watching me like hawk, I might as well give them something interesting to write about.
Grabbing my bag, I decided to check out the contents more thoroughly. Sitting back down on the pitifully small bed, I opened the main compartment and began to dig through. Most of what I took out didn’t quite grab my interest, so I dug further, revealing, ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?’, ‘Cold War’ and, for some reason ‘Sun Tzu’s Art of War’ among other fiction and non-fiction titles. I settled on a nice horror book, titled ‘The Enemy’, which I hadn’t read in quite a long time. Rummaging around in the front pocket, I drew out my speakers, phone and charger. After connecting the wires, I glanced at the battery life of the phone, which read 9%. Thank god whatever brought me here had the decency of being able to reinvigorate it. Opening the music app, I just tapped shuffle and then put it into sleep mode. To my pleasant surprise, I was greeted by the opening bars of ‘Aces High’, the fast intro riff blared out of the tiny speaker, which I set to almost max volume, much to the predictable displeasure of my captors.
Slumping down onto the bed, I propped myself up using the pillows and headboard, then open the book and began to read. As I progressed through the text, more questions formed in my mind, both disturbing and puzzling me at the same time. These mainly included such notions as, can I get home? Will I ever see my friends and family again? And, What can I get to eat around here? As if to answer my last question, a small flap at the base of the door, rose up. This revealed a white hoof which pushed as a what looked to be a ceramic plate through. After this, the shutter closed again with a small clunk as it landed on the tiles. Walking over to it, I just stood there, my brain and my mind both looking un-amused at the sight before them. For upon that plate was a small pile of yellowed hay. Boy was today fun.
You know what? I’m really starting to get sick of this shit. I’ve elapsed nearly 5 albums worth of songs and nearly a sixth as ‘Atomic Punk’ enters it’s chorus. Yeah, that’ll give those Sociologists and Psychologists or whatever something to think about. Heck, I’d love to see an Anthropologist, that is even of they exist in this world, which I highly doubt. So, in an attempt to feed me I guess, they had pushed flowers and hay through the hatch on the door. As you can probably tell, this is a massive bloody problem. I’ve not ate since I came here and I’m absolutely starving. I could tell them that I want a nice juicy steak, but I’m willing to put money on the fact that there is none. Probably the cows they have here are sentient, so that rules that right out of they picture. Hopefully they will actually give me some proper vegetables or fruit, and not this horse food crap they have seemed adamant on trying to feed me.
Thinking. In my solitude, it seemed attractive to considering what my actions and information could have in this world. By my guessing, their technology lies in a really weird state. On one hand, they have modern medical equipment and a basic sound equipment. However, their military, or guard, seems to be rocking Medieval equipment, swords, plate armour and spears, from what I could see on my bid for freedom. Just think. I could give them the data, concepts and diagrams from my books and start an industrial revolution. I don’t know what enemies they have, if any, but I’m sure some Panzers would really make they other nations shit their (figurative or course) pants.
But do I really want to do this? Arming a nation to the teeth with new and experimental weaponry (for them), like jets, tanks, rifles and heck, even nuclear devices would probably cause some sort of international problem. It could result in wars that would not have sprung up otherwise. But some pastel coloured horses driving a Panzerkampfwagen VI Tiger would be so cute, yet so awesome. First I have to actually earn their trust first. Crap. My actions so far have probably deterred them quite a lot. Alright, a hell of a lot. What, it’s not my fault I freaked out about being sent to magical rainbow candy land and then tried to escape. To be honest, if it wasn’t for what I assume was that Princess Luna, I would have pretty much made it out of the city.
The more I think about the whole situation, the more ludicrous the whole plan seems. My pondering is interrupted by the hatch opening. My brain sluggishly came to its senses and glanced with barely any effort at the door. Noting it was a raw fish, it gave up and returned to being dormant. My mind then complains about the brains shoddy work ethic and wishes that it could share the head with a much more useful organ. The hatch then opens up again, this time to reveal a rectangular piece of parchment. Now that grabbed my attention. Placing my copy of ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?’ face down on the bed, I strode over to the offending scrap of paper. Eyeing it with suspicion, I turned it over in my still bandaged hand with some difficulty.
Written in very accentuated strokes and delicate italics was a very brief message. ‘You will expect 7 visitors tomorrow morning. That should be approximately 5 hours from when you receive this note. They are very curious from what I have told them and will be asking you a myriad of questions no doubt. Please try to be nice to them, and please, be nice and honest for once. -Princess Celestia’ Huh, fuck you too. I’m guessing that these 7 must be important in this world or something. I’m thinking along the lines of chancellors, ministers, or high up scientists. I have no idea. Its the middle of the night though, and I still have a tonne of time to kill. Might as well sleep through the time on my oh so soft bed (I just can’t get over how plush and comfy that damned thing is). Slipping off my shoes, I push them under the bed with the heel of my foot; then I place the book over by the pile by the base of my bed. What? I’m a fast reader, don’t judge me OK? Well, that and I just dumped almost all my stuff out of the bag onto the floor because I can. Picking up the speaker, which was starting to play ‘Civil War’, I snapped the device off and tucked it under the bed, along with my iphone. Leaning back into the pillow, I snuggled down and rolled over to try and block out as much light as possible from the collapsed sun they call this rooms light bulb. Closing my eyes, it didn’t take long to be consumed by oblivion as my feeling of the world slowly disappeared…
…Only to reappear in what felt like a couple of minutes. A loud, repetitive banging sound began to emanate from behind the door. In my groggy and tired state, I said the only thing that came to mind at that point in time. “Fuck off” Unfortunately, my body had not also woken up yet. I half moaned the words, rolling off my tongue like the syllables were a group of drunk sailors, trying to stagger desperately back to the right ship. Can’t they give me a few more minutes?
“Your visitors have arrived. Get up. Now.” It was a gruff masculine voice, being broadcasted through the speaker. In a surprising break in tradition, I stick my fingers up in a V shape, palm facing toward me. After pointing it at the glass for a few moments, I brought it to my face, then proceeded to rub the sleep out of my eyes. As I was doing this, I began to hear now sounds from behind the door. The majority sounded like high pitched squeals from, teenagers. Shit. I’m not good with girls. I mean, I get on OK with a few, but I just don’t understand some of the things they do. I can barely relate to them, much less put up with SEVEN of them. Also did I mention these are teenage PONIES for Christ’s sake. What a way to start a new day.
Reaching under the bed, I slipped my shoes on, all the time there was a loud clanking going on. Wow, they think I’m that bad to warrant locks like that? Finishing pulling on shoes, the door slowly opened, to reveal a blur of pink that sped towards me. Fortunately, it stopped just in front of me, but slightly too close to make me feel way out of my comfort zone.
“Hi! My name’s Pinkie Pie, what’s yours? Oh wait I already know that silly, its Tommy right? I know I’m right, aren’t I? Of course I am! Are you an Alien? Are you here to invade and destroy everypony? Do you wanna’ Cupcake?!” Christ, talk about motormouth. What is she on? Probably cocane, I mean, look how hyper she is. God, ponies on drugs, that sounds like a terrible Adult Swim cartoon. She is staring right at me, those huge blue eyes and wide smile penetrating right into my very soul. Wait, did she say, cupcakes? Hell yes! I’m fucking starving for something, anything, that isn’t, you know, inedible to Humans.
“Erm, thanks?” I replied tentatively. I mean, overall, I’m more of a muffin person, but right now I couldn’t care less to my preferences. Picking up the closest one, it surprising looked like a normal cupcake, with a large dollop of pink icing on top, blending into the pink casing. Seriously what is it about this pony and pink? God, I need to bleach my eyes or something, this world is too bright and colourful for a metalhead. Taking a bite, I then resisted the urge to gag. Jesus, that is too sweet. Is she trying to give me diabetes or something. I really didn’t want to take another bite, lest I get sick cause of it. I wasn’t even hiding my disgust, as her face slightly fell when I tried to swallow the bite.
“What!? You don’t like cupcakes!? What pony doesn’t like cupcakes?” Wow, that last statement sounded really stupid. Do I look even remotely like a fucking horse to you, or am I really that ugly?
“Well, I normally do. Just not when the entire thing happens to be saturated in tonnes of the stuff. Are you trying to give me a heart attack or something?” I retorted.
“Are you kidding me!? Those are my BEST cupcakes, nopony has EVER complained. EVER” She got really close to me, I mean, if before was violating my personal space, then this is pretty much warranting for a restraining order. She is really beginning to freak me the fuck out.
“Pinkie! Stop bothering him and get back over here. He clearly has different tastes to us.” This voice was new. It carried authority and wisdom with it, like a scholar or something. Slowly Pinkie moved away, keeping her eyes locked onto me, giving me of those ‘I’ve got my eye on you’ looks. Now that she isn’t blocking my vision with her cotton candy hairdo, I can actually see who else I have for company. Oh boy, what a bunch they are. On the far left was where the voice supposedly came from. It looked like a purple Alicorn. She was a light purple, lavender almost, whilst her mane was a dark purple, almost the colour of twilight. This had a light pink running through it, with a much darker purple running right next to it.On top of her head was a little gold crown. Seriously, all alicorns are fucking royalty? Bit racist, or xenophobic, if you ask me.
To her right stood a shorter unicorn. It was white with a curly purple mane. It looked very prim and pampered, with I guess a curvy body. I’m guessing she would be pretty by pony standards, but what the absolute hell do I know what is considered attractive in a pony? And no, I’m not going to even consider trying to go out with one. Her deep blue eyes appeared to be looking up and down my body, before fixing on my chest, then pulled a somewhat disgusted look.
Beside her was a butter coloured winged pony; Pegasus, is I’m not mistaken. Her body was very thin, and looked incredibly frail, like if she was tapped in the wrong place she would shatter into a million pieces. Wait, forget what I said, that came out so wrong. She had what appeared to be a curious and at the same time scared look on her face, though I’m not sure, considering the entire thing was almost concealed by a figurative waterfall of pink hair. If she was coloured black, she could total pass for emo.
Next to her stood her opposite. She was striking. That’s pretty much the best word that describes what has been placed before my eyes. Cyan blue coat, her mane was cut short with mother fucking rainbows running through it. I bet she spends a fortune on hair dye. Despite her mostly thin stature, she still had very angular and muscular, with defined legs and muscular back, close to her wings. It reminded me somewhat of my brothers body, although she was smaller, a little less bulky, female and, oh yeah, a bloody horse.
Standing next to her was an even stocker one. She was absolutely ripped. She had massive fore and rear legs, giving me the impression that she could hospitalise me faster then it takes for a average concert goer to get shit faced. Orange coloured with a light yellow mane tied in, get this, a pony tail. That’s it, I’m done. On top of this workhorse of a, err, pony, it was capped off by large felt stetson hat; the whole thing looking battered and torn by many a hard days work. Like the unicorn, she seems to be examining me. Looking for weakness, maybe. Yeah, no, like I would ever try to tussle with her.
Lastly, a little further away from the group, another unicorn stood. Like the piss yellow one, it was very thin, though not so delicate as the aforementioned jarate hued pegasus. Coloured a light purple, with dark purple mane and mint highlights/strips, she fixed me with an unreadable expression. She gave nothing away, no body language or facial expression. None, she was void of any indication of what I would be dealing with here. Well, at least she looked the most professional out of the bunch, not giving me death glares and horrified expressions. Yeah, ambassadors my fat arse.
Our staring contest lasted quite a while, all the time I was quietly getting more unnerved by the second. After a few moments crawled past, the alabaster one took a step forward, still regarding me with that horrified look.
“T-that is a, erm, rather… interesting set of clothes you have. What does the design mean?” What? I’m, if I am lead to believe and alien, A FUCKING ALIEN, and the first thing this one asks in her uptight posh voice is ‘what are you wearing?’ I swear there is something wrong with this god forsaken country, planet, dimension, what ever. I guess she is talking about the album cover art on my t-shirt.
“Its an album cover of my favourite metal band, Iron Maiden. Great artist, great music, for the most part.” Hey, just because it’s my favourite doesn’t excuse the fact that some albums are just poor or filler. I mean, look at Number of The Beast, Like three or four of the tracks are brilliant, but the rest are just shocking. Anyway, getting side tracked. The purple one also moved forward slightly towards me.
“How do you know Pegasi script?” Wait, what? What the hell is she talking about? If she if she is implying that I know how to write in a transdimensional style of writing, then that has to be some sort of fucked up joke. Wait, for that matter how do they even know English for that matter. This is raising several red flags for me.
“Its not Pegasi script or whatever, its a Latin descented script that, wait… This makes so much fucking sense now!” Ignoring their wincing from my swearing and shouting, this whole correlation make sense, in a weird, messed up kind of way.
“What do you mean it makes sense now?” The thin lilac unicorn spoke up.
“Well, back on my planet, pegasi and unicorns are part of ancient mythology. Pegasi, or at least came from an area of them came from a country called Greece. There was only one, called Pegasus, who was one of the offspring to the god Posidon, who in himself was the god of the sea. Anyway, a nearby country called Italy adopted lots of the ideas from the Greeks, including gods and stories. The Romans, as they were called, invented the Latin alphabet, one which came to be used by a good majority of the world population. So, as Pegasi came from that area, and the Latin script was used there, that must be why the writings of my world and yours are so similar.” Hey, I can be intelligent and thoughtful every so often. Just, don’t count on me being level headed all the time.
The purple alicorn had a piece of parchment out and was, no, no fucking way. The paper is just fucking floating in the air, surrounded by a transparent purple aura. A quill was flicking back and forward across the page at a frightening speed. They’re, they’re, just fucking with me, right. Metaphorically, not literal of course. But they can’t be levitating stuff around, it’s not fucking possible. And they are not even using magnets. “How are you doing that?”. Right I want this stupid joke to be over now.
“Doing what?” Said the alicorn floating essay equipment in front of herself like it wasn’t even bloody there.
“I mean, the whole ‘floating a bunch of stuff in front of you face’ thing that you are currently doing this very moment.”
A quick blush came to her muzzle, which I didn’t thin wasn’t possible through fur, but whatever, I have more urgent witchcraft based problems to attend to.
“Oh, sorry. I forgot you humans don’t have magic, or at least normal magic.” OK, what, what are you talking about? I was about to burst out laughing at that utterly ridiculous statement, I mean, what am I, a six year old girl? However that whole ‘I forgot you humans didn’t have magic’ statement did confuse me. Were there other humans in this world. That didn’t seem possible though, considering the way they treated me.
“So, where are the other humans then? If you know about something like that then you must have seen others then.” She appeared to be backing off, slowly backing up behind the rest of the group. Yeah, you fucked up big time bitch. She didn’t look like she would respond, further adding to the fact that she was hiding some rather crucial info.
“Hey! Answer my question! I did so for you question, so answer me!” I was getting impatient with these ponies, if this princess held the key to me getting out of here, then she was being a devious cunt. However the gay pride pony bolted in front of me.
“Twilight doesn’t have to answer to you, monkey. Why don’t ya’ back off before you get a hoof in the face!” Ooh, that insult was so scary… Oh wait, it came from a miniature rainbow horse, so not really that intimidating.
“Who do you think you are, telling me that your so called friend is with holding important information how I could have got here” I leaned in closer to her glaring face. “It doesn’t concern you, so back off”. Instead of following my instructions, she does the exact opposite, she presses her muzzle right up close, so it is literally a centimetre away. I think she is flying to get this close, though I really don’t know how a body of her size can be supported a pair of wings so small.
“Yeah well YOU don’t have the right to talk to her like that. You should learn some respect for her and back off, or I will beat you down.” God, her tomboy raspy voice is getting annoying. Totally calling it, she is a lesbian. I don’t think she will back down without one of the other ponies intervening. Time to put her in her place.
“Mind repeating that last bit again, would you” “I. Will. Beat. You Down, so back down you freak before IAhh!” Suddenly she was yanked away from me by an invisible force. However, this turned out to be the orange coloured mare, who was grasping Miss Skittles by her tail, in her teeth might I add.
“Rainbow! Won’t ya calm the hay down?” She said once she put ‘Rainbow’ down on the lino floor, pinning her tail with a hoof.
“Calm down? How can I calm down when this ape is threatening Twilight?”
“Ah know that, but ya gotta understand that whatever Twi’ implied to him it upset him greatly. Ah certainly don’t agree with his manner, but he is havin’ a rough time, so ah suggest givin’ him some space.” Thank you. I didn’t know how long I was going to have to resist the urge to throttle her to death. Due to the blue ones distraction, I have calmed down a little. I mean I’m still pissed ‘Twilight’ is keeping me in the dark, but I’ll grill her about that later.
“Right, I’m really not happy with the current situation, but could you at least tell me your names or introduce yourself, I can’t keep referring to you seven with stupid nick names in my head.” Well, I sort of know three of their names, though ‘Rainbow’ may not actually be her name, because that would be fucking stupid. “Can we go from left to right, if you would please.” Alright, lets judge them, based on th
After a moment of silence, ‘Twilight’ stepped forward, nervously I may point out. Yeah, that's what you get for lying to me. “M-my name is Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic and the Princesses of Friendship.” Ridiculous.
“My name’s Pinkie Pie, the most super duper awesomest party planner this side of Equestia!” Annoying.
“Charmed, Rarity, darling.” Posh.
“Erm… Mmmy Nnnames Fffluttershy…” Shy. What, that's exactly what she is. They seem to be mostly calming down now, not at all looking afraid or wanting to fight me.
“None of your business freak.” Heh, fuck you too bitch. The majority of the ponies gave her a stern look, to which lesbian pony let out a sigh. “Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in all of Equestria, and don’t you forget it!” Egotistical.
“Howdy, mah name’s Applejack, proud part owner of Sweet Apple Acres.” Southern American.
“Starlight Glimmer.” Yeah, still can’t really read between the lines there, very much trying to be as indistinguishable as possible. Huh, one of the things they said really stood out to me, the thing Twilight Sparkle said.
“Thanks guys, Twilight, what did you mean by an Element of Magic?” Finally looking relaxed, she let out a small smile.
“Well, I, along with all of us excluding Starlight form the Elements of Harmony. Each of us represents a different aspect of friendship: Pinkie being laughter, Rainbow loyalty, Fluttershy kindness, Applejack honesty and Rarity generosity. I am the element that ties them all together, Magic. Using the power of our friendship we can use it to defeat villains and to solve problems with other ponies friendship problems.” What the fuck, was she being serious. My brain asked logic to make sure she wasn’t making it up. Logic firmly replied it was a load of feted dingoes kidneys and the appropriate response was to laugh at the absurd proclamation. So I did.
“BWHAHAHAHAH…AHAHAHAHAH… AHAHAHAHA…HAHA… Y-your, haha, kidding me, haha, that’s the most stupid statement I have ever heard, AHAHAH...”
All the ponies stared at me, all had looks of horror, disgust and some outright rage at what I said. Ooh shit, I totally forgot I was magic rainbow unicorn hippy land. If what she had said was true, and their reactions suggested this, I pretty much did the equivalent of telling a Nazi joke in a Synagogue, whilst being wired up to a mic so everyone could hear me. A few seconds after this, the blue mare sprinted up to me and oh shit did she look pissed at me. She turned oh her heels, I mean hooves then her legs extended rapidly. “AHHH!” I was kicked across the room, with I think broken ribs and possible blunt force trauma, then my head connected with the brick wall. As I blacked out all I could feel was immense pain as the void consumed me.
Sounds swirled around me in my void. I think its voices, but I can’t really tell. I feel a dull throbbing in my chest and head, it wasn’t much, yet it made me think what happened. I think it was a Q and A session with some weird coloured horses, it was going oh so well then one named Twilight said something. Then miss gay pride, she, she fucking kicked me into a wall! I wonder if I’m still lying against the wall, blood dripping from me, whilst they all look at me in order to fulfil their sadistic fantasies. The voices are becoming clearer, to the point were I can actually start to make out some of the words.
“...yes…I think that their is some magical interference.” Again, this ‘magic’ bullshit is being said again. Its not like magic really is real, but then again, I am in a land full of talking unicorns for Christ’s sake.
“Erm… W-what do you mean, magical interference Twilight, if you don’t mind, that is…” Daww, that is so adorable! If the 7 are still in the room, then that has to be Fluttershy. But if that’s so, then that bitch is still here.
“Right, when I try to close his wound and repair it magically, its almost like the body rejects the tissue. I’ve analysed the gash I’ve closed up, and the skin is dying. His body isn’t registering the cells as his, almost as if it’s a pathogen, so it’s being killed off by his immune system.” Whelp, that sucks. If they are trying to use new flesh to close up my wounds, and the cells are different then of course that’s going to happen.
“Twilight, are you suggesting that we use, archaic ways of medicine?” WHAT! What do they mean by that?
“No no, nothing like that Rarity. We just need to go to basics. I’ll just patch up his head with gauze and give him some painkillers. I already cleaned the wound with bromine, so there is little chance of infection.” Well thank god for that, now I’ll just get up and… I can’t move. I CAN’T MOVE! My eyes won’t open! Oh god oh god oh god! Just what is happening I-
‘Calm the hell down man!’ What, who, who said that? ‘Oh, it’s no one, just, a little magical entity in your head.’ Wait, in my head? Your, whoever you are, reading my thoughts? ‘Yes, yes I am. Wait, I’ll just divide up the lines, so our audience won’t get confused.’
Right…not going to question that, so who are you, what are you and why are you in my head?
‘I don’t actually have a name, never given one to myself. I, myself, am an enigma, I am impossible to understand, even to myself. To answer why I am in you noggin, I am here to help you, as I have done with countless before you.’
Help me, what do you mean by that?
‘Sigh.. you are dense, you know that? Right, I’m trying to help you survive in this world.’
What, this land full of rainbows and prancing pretty ponies? Right. ‘Yeah, to you, that is a façade. Whilst this seems like a place of hugs, smiles and rainbows, to most of which it is, underneath there are lots of dark and chaotic entities and individuals trying to grasp power and dominion over this land.’
Prove it.
‘Sigh, you ain’t going to be easy, are you pal? OK, a few years ago, in the north of Equestria, a place, known as the Crystal Empire, reappeared after it was cursed to vanish into nothing for a millennia.’
Why was that?
‘It was because of the an Umbrum Stallion by the name of Sombra. Using dark magic, he turned the Princess of the Empire, Princess Amore, into crystal. He then shattered her and dispersed her across the land. He then took control of the Empire, becoming King Sombra,then enslaved the populace to do his bidding. The royal sisters came to stop him, which they did by sealing him in the ice of the north. However he cursed the Empire to disappear, only to return when he did.’
Wow, that’s really fucking dark. Is he still out there?
‘No no, after the Empire returned, those six mare you met excluding Starlight went to the Empire to protect it. There they managed to recover an object called the Crystal Heart. After it was charged using the power of the crystal ponies, residents of the Crystal Empire, Princess Cadence used it to obliterate Sombra, vaporising his physical body and soul in the process.’
OK, you made your point. If you say this place can be as dangerous as you say it is, then I believe you. Now get out of my body.
‘Yeah, you see, the thing about that is… I can’t.’
No, your just trying to piss me off, get out.
‘Look buddy, I wish I could, but your body is preventing that. You could call me a parasite, but it’s more mutual really. I don’t have a physical body and I can only survive so long without it. Because of that I have to live off sentient beings. Once I get enough energy from a host, usually by siphoning off some of the magic they absorb naturally, then I can go the the next being. However you are a special case. Because you are not from this world, and the fact you have no magic in you body, at all, I can’t actually gather enough energy in order to leave your being. So… what I’m saying is, unless you can gather magic energy in the future, I’m going to be bound to you until you die, which will kill me also.’
Well, shit. Why did you come into my mind then?
‘Seeing as you are a new creature in Equestria, I observed you in your coma. That’s the thing I like about being me, I get to see into the minds and brains of so many individuals, giving them subtle pokes in one direction and generally trying to help them make their lives better. So I thought it would be a neat idea to go and try and help out the new creature. I’ve been into your memories for a while, and you sir live a rather loud and interesting life. Never been into a musicians brain in over six hundred years, hay, never been into an alien musicians brain before ever.’
Right, so why did you reveal yourself to me then, if your are supposed to be subtle?
‘Why do you think? I have been stuck here listening to you prattling on in your head, pretty much narrating everything that you are doing. Then when you woke up after Rainbow Dash launched you into wall you were panicking and shouting in there, so I think I have an excuse to eventually get annoyed with you.’
OK, point made. So, what actually damages occurred due to the attack?
‘Well, aside from the gash on the back of your head, you are pretty lucky you only got a bruised rib or two.’
Why can’t I move? I mean, my conscious mind is awake, and I can feel the pain from my ribs and head, but I can’t do anything.
‘Oh right. They put you under whist they tried to do the best they could to patch you up, as you know, completely new species. Your whole magic rejection is really slowing progress down.’
Oh, I’m sorry I was forcefully dragged to a different planet or dimension from a place where magic is fictional and then I was assaulted by a stupid prismatic mare.
‘Well, you did kinda just laugh in the face of one of the most important thing that defines those six mares. Their friendship has allowed them to defeat a parasitic creature that corrupted Princess Luna, who would have doomed Equestria and the whole of Equis to eternal night. It has defeated a spirit of chaos who literally makes reality and physics his slaves. It allowed them to assist in the defeat of a Changeling Queen. Hay, it allowed Twilight, to stop Starlight Glimmer from altering time itself and reform her to change her ways, because she cared about her friends and Equestria.’
All right, I get it. I screwed up bad. I pretty much laughed at all their greatest challenges and obstacles like they weren’t even worth the time of day. Wait, did you say a parasitic creature, that corrupted one of the Princesses!?
‘Yes, that creature. I know what you are implying, and yes, I am related somewhat to that monster. The Nightmare twists ponies and other creatures desires to ones of pure evil. Princess Luna was jealous of her sister, as she rules the night. Her sister’s day was where all the ponies came out and enjoyed her sun. Yet few ponies appreciated Luna’s night. This built into a heated jealousy that The Nightmare was able to twist a distort. Luna only wanted the ponies appreciation of her domain, not to shadow the land in it forever. So she tried to kill Celestia in order to secure her rule. However, Celestia used the elements of harmony to banish The Nightmare to the Moon, where she was imprisoned for a millennia. She came back 6 years ago after she escaped, where Twilight and her friends discovered the elements and used it to vanquish her. This in the process killed the corrupt Nightmare, leaving Luna in her pure form.’
“...Okay, his head is bandaged and disinfected, I’m going to wake him up.” Twilight's voice rang out. Well, sounds like show time to me.
‘I’ll still be back here, just give me a shout if you need me.’
What are you doing back there?
‘Poking around your memories again. I think I’ll find some movies to watch buried in your consciousness.’
OK, you do that, I recommend Fury, Flags of Our Fathers and Avatar, if you can find those.
‘Thank you, ta ta for now. Oh, almost forgot. Don’t tell them about me. It’ll make both our lives much harder.’
Noted.
After a while, my body started to feel looser, almost as if I had held by some sort of rope, which was now being loosened. After a few more seconds, all looseness had disappeared and subconsciously began to move my limbs to stretch them. Slowly, I began to open my heavy lids, only to be pretty much blinded by the powerful overhead light as it powered right into my retinas. Wincing for a few seconds, I could finally take stock of my situation. I had been moved back onto my bed, judging by the inherent softness of the surface I lay on. Slowly tilting my head forward, I glanced at the seven pairs of eyes that gazed at me. My eyes focussed and I was able to see the faces of them. The majority looked sad or concerned, Twilight looked relieved and Rainbow, yeah, still scowling at me.
“How are you feeling?” Twilight spoke, huh, she sounded like she actually cared about me.
“Not too bad, ‘cept the pain in my chest and head. I’ll live to fight another day.” Probably not the best worded answer, but whatever, like I cared about what they thought. I slowly began to prop myself up into a sitting position, using the pillows behind me to do so.
“That’s good. Now Rainbow, I think you owe Tommy here an apology.” Oh, this will be good. I can almost anticipate the snide and sarcasm coming off the yet to be announced apology, yes I know, I’m that good I am pretty much a clairvoyant when it comes to the attitudes of people, er ponies.
Said cyan mare glared at me for a few seconds, which was met with equal glares at her from Twilight and a few of the others. She then let out a defeated sigh, then looked a little downtrodden. Yeah, that’s right. “FINE! I’m sorry that I bucked you into the wall and almost sliced you head open.” Well, technically you did sort of cut my head open, but whatever, at least you did apologise, even though it still wasn’t genuine.
“Apology accepted.”
“Good. Now you need to apologise.” Yep, should have seen that coming. I mean I was really pissed off with royalty, so this is pretty much justified.
“Right, I’m sorry I threatened you Princess, I let my aggression get the better of me, which was wholly my fault.” Looking around, I noticed lots of them looked either surprised or happy at my words. Guess they don’t think I’m that bad. To be honest, after hearing what the voice said about them, I kinda have some respect for them all now, well, apart from that Starlight Glimmer, who somehow managed to do a whole Terminator style mission to change the past forever, which in itself is a fucking insane and scary concept in itself.
“Thank you, now lets get down to some important things. First your current condition, which is both good and bad. The good news is that the injuries were fairly minor, with bruising to the ribs and a gash on the back of your head. The bad news is that I can’t speed up the process because-”
“My body has a problem concerning magically generated tissue which results in the body rejecting it and killing it.” I finished. Twilight gaped at me after I had finished.
“H-how did you know that?” She stuttered. Heh, she didn’t know I listening when she was working. Might as well tell her and say-
“That’s because he was actually awake but not awake where you can move so he could hear you perfectly well so that he figured out that from what you told us, silly.” Wow, that was both poorly worded and excessively long. How the hell did she not need a breath after that? Whatever, never try to understand the crazy, I mean look at me, and I have no idea why I do things on impulse most of the time.
“Uhh, yeah, that’s right. Besides, why were you patching me up, rather then, I don’t know, a doctor.” Looking Twilight, I noticed she took on a saddened look as I said that.
“Sigh… I just, I just felt responsible for your injury and besides I dabble a bit in medical science every know and then.”
“By ‘dabble’ she means reading half a 600 page book, so I assure you, your in good hooves.” Starlight chuckled, which was followed by a few of the others. Hurray, 'in jokes', my favourite.
“Heh, heh, yes. So the other bit of news is that, due to you being sentient, a new species and an alien, their is to be a summit here in Canterlot.” Right… this doesn’t sound good. “There are leaders and ambassadors from all sentient species and nations attending.” WHAT! There are more then one species of sentient creatures on this planet? How the hell have they not killed each off in evolution to leave one dominant species left? I guess magic? Yes, that is my excuse for things in this world that don’t make sense.
“So, just so we are clear, what species and nations ARE attending?”
“Of course, you have Princess Celestia, Luna and me to represent Equestria. You have Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armour of the Crystal Empire. Dragon Lord Ember.” Wait dragons? Well why not, I pretty much have to just accept anything they say, so why not? “The Griffon’s political situation isn’t very good, so I expect an ambassador, rather than King Talon himself, but I just don’t know at this point. Princess Seafoam of the Hippocampi. Prince Springbreeze of the Breezies. King Ironfist of the Minotaurs. Chief Thunderhooves of the Buffalo. Prince Rutherford of the Yaks. Chief Shaman Imivimbo of the Zebras, Lord Haakim and Lady Amira of the Saddle Arabians. And, sigh… Queen Chrysalis of the Changelings.” She spat out the last name with hate I noted. Could this be the same Changeling Queen they defeated before?
“So… is that everyone? Because that is a helluva lot of species there that are all sapient.”
“Well, technically that's all the sapient species that have a country or area of land for themselves, but there are many more, such as donkeys, deer, diamond dogs and hyppogriffs who live within these realms of Equestia, The Griffon Empire and beyond.”
“Right, so when will this summit take place and is there any other news?” I questioned the mare. I suppose it will be in a few weeks and-
“Two days time.”
“WHAT! Why in two days time!? I literally just got injured only a few hours ago and I have to pretty much be an ambassador in front of the most powerful beings in the entire world!” This isn’t fair, I mean sure, I’ve been playing on stage in front of hundreds before this event, but the majority I wouldn’t really give a damn about. But speaking in front of kings, queens, princes and princesses, who are pretty much all different creatures, ones which the majority are fictional or mythical? Now that’s a completely different ball game altogether.
“Well it was announced to the leaders a few days prior, just in case you woke up from your coma in that time, so it really isn’t that short notice.” Fair enough I suppose. “As well, Princess Celestia asks you what your species eats, seeming as you rejected everything we gave to you, including Pinkies cupcake.” At that, the corresponding mare shot me a small, subtle glare, which was almost indistinguishable from her normal smiling except her eyes took on a slightly hurt look. Look, I’m really sorry you tried to give me diabetes, I’ll try not to reject life threatening treats in the future.
“Ooh, he’s an omnivore.” Fluttershy interjected. We all gave her a slightly questioning look, too which she seemed to shrink a little at. Oh yeah, ‘shy’, poor sod, must be sweating bullets under this attention. I do like her, so I won’t let her suffer any more.
“Yep, she’s right.” That seemed to stop their staring.
“How do ya’ know Fluttershy? What makes ya’ so sure?” Applejack put in with her southern twang.
“Well, I studied him like I would do any animal, and his teeth gave me the impression he was an omnivore. Tommy, would you, erm, open your mouth for me, please, that’s if you don’t mind, of course.” She is so cute! I know I can be a heartless bastard, but I can’t deny her. Complying, I opened my mouth as wide as it would go, showing them all my rows of incredibly straight teeth. She then trotted cautious up to me, so she was level with my bed. Once she was in position, she then gestures the rest to look closer.
“Look, the first sets of teeth are designed for meat in mind, he has incisors at the front and fangs either side.”
“Canines, not fangs.”
“Right, and behind then you have molars, designed for grinding plant matter.” She concluded.
“OK, we get that you can eats plants and meat, but why didn’t you eat the hay, flowers and fish?” Starlight cut in. Observant I must note.
“While I can eat plants and animals, I can’t eat certain ones. Grasses like hay I can’t eat as humans can’t digest them easily. Same goes for flowers, and they can be poisonous to us. The fish was raw, which isn’t very nice to eat s the meat is tougher and plus it still had the organs and scales on it too.”
“Right so what do you actually eat?” Twilight said, as she raised her parchment with her ‘magic’.
“Most fruit and vegetables, well really pretty much all foods that don’t include the ones I mentioned are on the table, so to speak. Pasta, pizza, cake (that doesn’t have too much sugar), cooked meats, like chicken and pork, really we eat loads of different things.” Oh god, I was just reminded of how hungry I am. I haven’t had a proper meal for ages. I’m guessing that they must of put nutrients into my body whilst I was in my coma, otherwise I probably would have eaten that cupcake, despite it probably being able to kill me.
“Thank you. This data will really help us to accommodate for you. I suppose we better leave now. Princess Celestia advised us to clear out and let doctors take care of your condition when you got hurt, but we stayed. We don’t want to be here too long, considering your condition. I suggest you get some rest to help your body recover.” A bit abrupt, I suppose, but If she says she’s been there for a while trying to patch me up, I suppose that’s fair.
“See you later, I suppose.” I weakly notion at them. They all mostly smiled at me as they turned to the door. The only ones that didn’t were Twilight, who looked a little nervous and Rainbitch Dash, who still shot me an annoyed look. As they walked, well Pinkie didn’t walk, rather bounce towards the door, she turned again to face me.
“Don’t worry, I’ll make you a super-duper-awesome new cupcake that is a little less sweet.” Huh, she would actually go out of her way in order to make a stranger a new cake, despite me pretty much offending her with the first one? I gotta admit, these 7 are really starting to grow on me; well apart from Rainbow, who I couldn’t really give a fuck about.
Twilight was the last the reach the door, to which she also turned around to look at my sorry self as I eased myself down onto the pillow. “Thank you.” I said to her. She gave me a small nod, then exited the room. This was followed by the door swinging shut with a loud clunk, which was joined by the clicking of locks.
Closing my eyes, I just let my mind go blank, to which sleep came quickly as I was drawn to the ebony void beyond; my physical condition making me weary as I fell into a dreamless sleep.
Slowly I began to regain conciousness as I awoke from my sleep. I lay there, trying to recollect the previous days memories and then I felt the gravity of the situation finally bearing down on me. Tomorrow I was going to have to make an impression on nobles from across the globe, ones which I had no clue on the background of them. First things first, I need to get a shower, or at least some sort of bath. They really hadn’t given me anything really to wash myself, and as it is, I smell in lots of places, mouth included. I suppose I’d better go and ask them for some amenities and supplies now.
Easing myself over the edge of the bed, I sat and faced the large mirror in front of me. “Hello?” I called out towards them, my voice a little mumbled from only just getting up.
“Good Morning Tommy, have a pleasant sleep?” It wasn’t anyone I had heard before. It was feminine and sounded bright and joyful.
“Yes thanks. Is it possible to get a shower or bath?”
“Oh yes, of course. We don’t want you to be too smelly, would we now? Do you require anything else?”
“Erm… yes, in fact I do. I need a toothbrush and toothpaste as well. Is that possible?”
“Oh yes, that is quite possible. Just wait a moment darling and we’ll be back before you know it.” I couldn’t help feeling like I had forgotten something, something that had been been bothering me for quite sometime. Oh yeah, that was it, massive hunger pangs that coursed through me every so often.
“Could I get something to eat as well, I’m starving as it is.”
“Oh yes of course deary. There should be something waiting for you after you finish cleaning yourself.” At that comment, my stomach let out a pained moan. Yeah, yeah, just hold on there little guy.
Looking to the base of my bed, I found my suedes tucked slightly out of view. Inside were the pair of socks, by now there were really starting too reek, despite my lack of physical activity. Pulling on the black fabric, I let my mind wonder to what I could possibly say to there dignitaries. For sure, I couldn’t act like a massive asshole. Yes, I know what I’ve been doing to Celestia and Luna and I feel a little sorry for that, but I couldn’t really too sorry, considering the fact that I had basically been locked up in a cell and I had had to do my business in a weird sort of bucket they floated in here when I complained I needed to shit or piss.
But these creatures were leaders of their respected areas or whatever, which if I offend they could just hire an assassin to go and shank me or strangle me in a broom closet or something. My clothes still wouldn’t be the best either, considering A. The fact they are starting to smell, or B. The fact it had an alien space monster with half of its fucking head torn open exposing weird green and red bubbling flesh. Some of them seem less threatening then the others though. All the ones with ‘King’ or ‘Queen’ seemed to have some intimidating or ‘scary’ sounding name to them, where as the princes and princesses seemed to have much more lax and silly sounding names. Seeing that I am the only one of my species, that seems to be a massive indication that I am going to have to be an ambassador, not only for my me, but my entire species and planet, whom had not a fucking clue that a semi intelligent metal head is going to attend a summit for a bunch of mythical talking creatures. I just pray to Ra, Odin, Zeus, whatever, that I get out of this with my head still on my shoulders.
However, I won’t be alone in the summit. I still have the princesses who I hope will try to cover my ass in the event of offending one of them, plus I am technically under their custody/care, so I at least have some protection in this place. Maybe the voice will give me some guidance on what to do, cause I feel like I’m going to need his help quite a bit.
‘You called?’
Hullo again, now down to business I suppose.
‘Business? Who are you and what have you done with the real Tommy?’
Yeah, thanks… Anyway I need you to give me some guidance on what to do when meeting them. I mean, I can’t exactly act the way I have been doing recently, because you know… I don’t want to piss off some dragon or minotaur or whatever they have in this fucked up world that is apparently sapient.
‘Yeah, yeah I know this has gotta’ be really big for you. On a side note thanks for the recommendations, Fury was awesome.’
Dude, that’s really not helping right now. I really starting to get freaked the fuck out about this situation right now.
‘What’s there to worry about? You’ve been in front of large crowds before and you don’t mind making a bit of an ass of yourself.’
OK, big difference there. I don’t honestly care what some random middle class guy thinks of me strutting around on stage. I DO care about being in front of a world leaders that could condemn me if I screw up even a little bit.
‘I’m sure they will understand. I mean, if it was an actual ambassador and they completely bucked up and offended them, I would expect them to be coming hard down on their plot. However, you are just a random guy who just so happens to be from another dimension or planet or whatever. Point is, if you fuck up and offend them, they have to show some tact and understanding, considering the fact you got here around a week ago and have little to no understanding of their culture. If you deliberately try to piss them off and its obviously deliberate and not being unknowledgeable of their customs, I would expect some issues. So just treat them with respect and use manners and answer any questions within reason and you should be fine.’
Thanks, I really needed that. Anyway I guess I will leave you to your own devices or whatever. You know, since we are gonna’ be bound together for a long time, I suppose I better give you a name. Something that will fit the situation I’m in right now… AH I got it! Your name is Richtofen now!
‘What, like the crazy, psychopathic butcher of a human? THAT RICHTOFEN?’
Well, yes, I mean its fits with the crazy, fucked up situation I’m in right now and
‘NO!’
Spoil sport. Anyway I’ll see…er, think you around then.
‘Bye.’
And with that there was a knock at my door. I don’t really know why they needed to knock, considering the fact that they know when I’m dressed or not and I am still a prisoner under their jurisdiction or whatever. I hear the heavy bolts slide open and the loud clunks of the locking mechanism before the door is slowly eased open. There were two of those guards standing there, one gave me a look of disgust and curiosity for a second. The other gave a small smile, I think, before adopting a stoic, expressionless look like the other. The one on the left gestured to me with his spear, which is somehow being held in its hoof, despite the obvious lack of any fingers to grasp said pointed stick.
Pulling myself off the bed very gradually, I eventually rose to a standing position, albeit a little hunched over due to the pain that still resided in my back. Sigh, I just hope I don’t get into any more situations where I have to get myself injured in some way. Finally making my way to the door, I took a position between the two guards, one in front and the other behind me. Clearly they don’t want me escaping, although I am in condition to try and escape from a bunch of trained guards standing no less than 4 feet away. As we emerged from the cell, I noted how it appeared that the room was located in a different part of the facility, compared to the standard medical room I was put into during my coma.
The walls were still had the same gleaming, well maintained loom that the previous area had, however, unlike the other area, there seemed to be no windows, just a line of about nine or ten doors which led to a small staircase. The front one gestured with a hoof again, pointing toward the stairs. As we began to walk, I wondered what the outside world would properly look like. Yes, I know I did technically see it, but I was in the middle of escaping from a castle, chased by a huge number white armoured guards. Huh, now that I said it, all the guards that I’ve seen were white coated, and for that matter, they all look exactly the same. Glancing behind me, then to the stallion in front, they were, apart from a slight hight difference, completely identical. Their eyes, the same deep blue. Their coats, the same shade of ivory white. The only guard I saw that had a different look to him was that Major, erm, something, I dunno. But I remember his armour looked slightly more embellished and his eyes were a deep yellow colour, almost golden. Either Celestia has some sort of cloning machine to make more of these guys, or she has a very racist restriction on who can join the guard. Or magic, because that’s my go to response for anything I have no fucking clue about in this strange world. My mind told me that it had taken a vacation as it too had not a clue about what was going on in this messed up place. I think I agree with that notion, though I can’t exactly go on holiday when I’m being guided through a medical/detention facility on my way to make myself look pretty for a dragon and a yak. I really wish that had been some stupid joke, but I’m really going to be judged by a bloody YAK of all things.
Why does this world confuse me so?
I wish I had my I-phone with me right now to try and drown out my panic inducing thoughts, but alas, it was sitting inside my bag right now, surrounded by a the huge quantity of books that somehow managed to fit inside the wormhole that was the inside of my school bag. If only I drank, I could sit down in a corner and complain about wanting drink to waste my thoughts, but no, I never cared about the stuff. True, I did bring some cans or a large bottle of alcohol to the very rare parties I went to, but I never wanted to drink the intoxication stuff and, after some forced drinks by my brother, I absolutely hated the stuff. In fact, I hate fizzy drinks for that matter. Getting sidetracked quite a lot, sorry about that. Its just so easy to let your mind wonder when you have nothing to do or an insanely simple and boring task, such as following guards to what I assume are the wash rooms.
After walking down another sterile passage, though it had some potted plants and a few paintings (including one with a blue maned, pink pegasus striking a defiant pose in front of a cloud bank. She looked a little like Rainbitch, though her name was ‘Firefly’, written in what I suppose was pegasus script along the bottom.), we stopped at a pair of doors. The one on the left had a blue pony, the one on the right had a pink one. Guessing that I need to go into the blue one then. Pushing open the door I stepped inside, followed by one the guards, the other standing by the door.
The inside of the wash room was, varied, to say the least. There was a wall which helped to give a little privacy to the stallions that came in here, which you had to walk around in order to get inside. In one corner was a small row of sinks, the ceramic gleaming in the artificial white light above. Lining the walls was what I could accurately describe as a clean version of my old schools showers. There were a multitude of shower heads, each with a two taps beneath each one, one for hot and one for cold. I noted there were absolutely no privacy screens, like at all. I guess in a world where you don’t wear clothes, being seen cleaning yourself in the open isn’t really that big a step up in all honesty. Plus, this was the males wash room, so it isn’t exactly like anything intimate would happen here. Near the closest sink on a small wooden seat was a large folded towel. On top of it were some cleaning products, including a bar of soap and a small pink coloured bottle I assumed to be shampoo, as well as a large yellow sponge. The only other items I could see happened to be a blue generic looking toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste that looked a little like Colgate.
Now, I doesn’t exactly take a genius to realise that if I wanted a shower, I was going to have to strip naked and go take a shower whilst another living thing was watching to make sure I didn’t do anything to escape. I could potentially wear my boxers, but I would either have to walk around in sopping wet underpants, or go commando, neither of which looked very appealing to me. I could change in one of the toilet cubicles, but I would still be naked when I came to do my cleansing. I decided to just get it over with quickly, like the guard would actually properly watch me washing. He would probably just look to the corner of the room and just look anywhere that wasn’t at me. I hope.
I turned to him, looking at me with a blank expression, though it looked, slightly off. Yeah, listen too me, judging a horses expression like it was a human. Though these ponies did seem to somehow have just as expressive features as we did. “Right, I’m… erm, going to get undressed now.” I said at him. I swear he twitched a smile for a second as he nodded in confirmation, but it must be my imagination, right? Turning away from him, I walked to chair and began to strip. I felt so self concious, but what did it really matter? It wasn’t like he was a member of the public. He was just a guard sent to govern the showering of a hairless ape creature. Letting out a sigh, I pulled off my shoes and socks, placing my feet on the cold, white tiled floor beneath me, which sent a small shiver up my legs. Pushing them under the seat, I removed my shirt, pulling the garment over my slightly chubby body. I mean, I’m not fat, I work out fairly regular and eat sensible portions, but I wouldn’t exactly call myself rail thin or ripped, just a slight bit of pudge that was a little soft to the touch. Folding it up and placing it on my shoes, I loosened the studded belt and began to undo the buttons of my jeans. I slowly dragged them down my legs, still self concious about the whole ordeal. My mind was screaming at me to just forget the shower and just splash some water on myself. As much as I wanted to do that and get this out of the way, it would be just as awkward explaining to the guard why I had stripped almost naked, then immediately put the clothes back on after that. Now, the hardest part, taking off my boxers. It, just felt, wrong. I mean, at public showers in swimming pools, you would every so often see older men wearing nothing on them. I would always take the farthest one possible from them, trying in vain to not look at them. It kinda made me feel nauseous really, due to their usually not so pleasant appearance. Ugh… getting sidetracked.
Grasping the blue elastic waistband, I quickly pulled them down and put them onto the pile of clothes. I figured I might was well get it over quickly, like how one would tear a plaster/bandaid off quickly to get it over with. Letting out another sigh, I grabbed the various bits of required cleaning equipment and trotted off towards the shower. Heh heh, trotted. Approaching the middle one, I stepped over the raised block, meant for preventing water from spilling everywhere. Grasping the taps, I fiddled with the temperature for a little while, eventually getting a mildly hot spray going. It was, pleasant. All I could hear was the sound of water spattering me and the floor and I just let the water roll over me. The only unpleasant thing was the guard, who, when I turned around once in a while, would try too look else where, usually ending up being part of his armour or a very interesting looking sink. This is so wrong…
After a few minutes of scrubbing and relaxation, I finally turned off the taps and turned to my clothes and towel to get dressed and dried. Looking over to the stallion as I walked, I noticed his eye line was looking a little too far south for my liking. Sigh… can this guy stop staring at me like that? It’s really getting bloody creepy. “Can you please stop looking?” I really wasn’t in the mood for a guy like this. Seeming to break him out of his trance, he looked up at me and gave a sly smile. I really don’t like where this is going.
“Well, if your don’t want me too look, why do you have it out in the first place?” I gave a small grin and took a few steps towards me. Oh shit, this guy clearly has some issues and WAIT, what did he mean by ‘have it out’.
“What did you mean when you said, have it out?” I said, slightly nervously. Look, I’ll admit it, I swing both ways, but that doesn’t mean I want to go do it with A) a creepy guard who has his priorities out of whack and B) the fact he is a weird mutant horse with massive eyes.
“Come on, don’t play dumb. If you didn’t want me, why take it out of your sheath.” He said in what I could only guess was a seductive look, but really it only sounded like he was about to commit rape, oh yeah. Oh, oh, oh, right… I see the problem here.
“Humans don’t have sheaths. That’s part of the reason why we wear clothes.” I dead panned. This seemed to phase him, with the hint of a blush creeping into his cheeks. Letting out a disgruntled sigh, I walked over the towel. Suddenly he reached around me and fucking TOUCHED ME in the my junk. My mind suddenly just started to blare alarms. It was the rape alarm and I didn’t need telling twice that this decision was bad news. NO, you can’t play back there, “Get the FUCK OFF ME!!!!!” Without thinking, I slammed my elbow into his forehead, right under the helmet. This was followed by a satisfying CRACK as I connected with him. This was then followed by a thump as his body collapsed on the floor. Turning around to finally face him, I could see that there was a large bruise in the middle of his forehead. I don’t know how you could see a purpley-red mark under white fur, but whatever. Then the gravity of what I had done just hit me like a freight train full of bombs. I had just assaulted and knocked out a royal guard. Oh shit… They are never going to believe me when I say he had tried to sexually assault me. Wait, hold the phone… I can get away with this. The royal sisters seem to be able to distinguish lies from truths. I mean, when I said those fairly convincing lies, they just shrugged them off. Hell yeah, I’m saved!
In that second however, the door burst open the reveal the second guard, looking visibly shocked and panicked as he looked over at his unconscious comrade. Pointing his spear towards me, he gave me a steely glare. “Get down on the floor now, you worthless maggot!” Quickly obliging, I dropped to my knees and put my arms on my head, all whilst I was still naked. If this wasn’t so serious, I probably would make a sex joke out of this, but I decided against this. I was going to open my mouth to try and plead, but he twisted the spear around and struck my jaw. Instantly pain rocketed through it, leaving me quite surprised that it didn’t break. “Did I tell you to talk, you bucking piece of shit!” I watched in both horror and slightly morbid fascination as he drew his spear back to hit me again. I closed my eyes, waiting for the blow, but it never came. Opening and eye, I saw the guard looking towards the spear head looking bewildered. Following his gaze, I saw a floating talon, about the size of my hand, grasping the end of the point-ed sick. OK, I’ve seen some weird shit in the past but, that, that takes the cake.
After a few more seconds of gazing at this apparition, a body materialised behind it, and hot damn, was it a body. I guess it looked like a dragon at first glances, but the way it was shaped, just, freaky. It looked to be made out of parts of many different creatures, just like in lots of ancient mythologies, such as sphinxes and manticores. It had a long brown body, which joined to 4 completely different limbs. Lion paw, lizard and pony legs, this was starting to get really freaky. As well as this, it was tall. I know I reach Celestia’s height(minus horn) when standing, but he towered over the cowering stallion. I just smiled and plucked the spear from the stallions grasp, then turned it into a long stick of rock, like you get at the seaside. I wish I was making this up. I so, so wished I would wake from this nightmare. The guard just grew more frightened, then he was interrupted by a burst of laughter from the satanic being.
“HAHAHAH, OH HAHAHA HA, you should see the look on your face, PRICELESS!” Then the guard collapsed. Rising to my feet, I slowly began to back away from the abomination. However this was quickly stopped as he snapped his fingers, er, claws, I guess. Suddenly I was dry and back in my clothes once again. I just stared at him, mouth agape, which it took this opportunity to stuff the huge rod of hard sweets into my mouth. Spluttering and coughing, as it had gone down a little too far for my liking, spat out the stick. Looking back up at him, I noticed an entire sun lounger had materialism out of god know where. Actually, god doesn’t probably know. Snapping its fingers again, one appeared behind me and I slowly eased myself down onto. “You must be the Hoo-mun that ‘Tia keeps talking about.” it said in its low voice. It reminded me of a Star Trek character, but I couldn’t remember which one. I think his actor was called John DeLancie, but I can’t be sure.
“Y-yeah, that’s me. So who are you, if I must ask?” He seemed to give me a slight ‘are you serious’ look.
“I, my interesting friend, am Discord, the master of chaos and disharmony; would you care for glass of chocolate milk?” I’m still hungry so hell yeah!
“Yes please.” I think that’s the most sincere I have every been with anything every since I got here. And he is looks like genetic engineering gone wrong.
“Would that be glass or crystal?” He gave me a mischievous smirk, which rang alarm bells. Against my better judgement, I decided to play along.
“Glass?” Almost immediately a clear glass holding a brown substance immediately was placed in my hand. Even without properly examining it, it looked, off. Placing it too my lips, I tipped it back, only to have a absolutely vile taste suddenly invade my mouth. Spitting it out quickly, I examined the chocolate milk, to find it was completely solid. I, on the other had, had been drinking LIQUID GLASS, as shown by the area at the top which had been shortened slightly. At this, Discord threw his head back in laughter.
“Oh, did I say a glass of chocolate milk, I meant a chocolate milk of glass. BWAHAHAHAH!” Rolling my eyes, I placed it down on the small table beside my chair, which it vanished into thin air. Discord glanced back over and gave me a curious look once, you know, once he had finished laughing at me trying to drink something no human, correction, no living being should be drinking. Except him, which he poofed another one out of thin air, before necking it like a shot of vodka.
“Your taking this surprisingly well, considering you have never seen anything like me before.”
“Oh trust me. I’m freaking out inside so much. I’ve just gone with the flow really, just excepting magic, flying pegasi and talking ponies. To be honest, you aren’t really the scariest thing I have ever seen anyway.” He chuckled at this statement.
“Oh, your too kind, though, same can’t be said for your would be sexual assaulter. I’m don’t know weather to be impressed by your ability to bring down a member of the guard, or be ashamed to live in a country with such a pitiful guard force.” He glanced at the unmoving body, then turned back towards me, pulling out a fan and wafting himself, like he was actually sitting on the poolside or on the beach. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll be sure to tell Celly about his actions.”
“Three questions.” I said. I wanted to get some answers.
“Fire away” he said, which he punctuated by suddenly appearing in a cowboy outfit, complete with toy revolvers, which when he fired let off a small pop each followed by small flags which read ‘bang’.
“Why were you watching me?” I said. I really want to know why he appeared just in time to prevent a massive beat down. Quickly changing outfits again, he appeared in a red suit and tie, complete with ski mask, which made his sickly yellow eyes look even more intimidating. Sure, I guess he somehow has knowledge of TF2?
“Well, I had just got back from my sight seeing trip to the second dimension. Quick bit of travel advice, never go there, you can only see flat lines and the souvenirs are tacky and fragile. Anyway, I had just been floating around in a few windows listening to ‘Tia prattle on when I heard she talked about an alien in the castle infirmary and dungeons. So I came down here and found you, though it did take a little sneaking around. Did you know that all the passages have guard check points now? So anyway I looked into the male bathroom, which you didn’t see me coming in, so I just went invisible and watched. I must say, you are rather well hung.” He let out a little chortle after that, making me blush a little. His abilities are really creeping me out now. I mean, of course he can just travel into the second dimension and turn invisible, that perfectly makes sense. I’m seeming to get the impression that this is what Richtofen was talking about when he mentioned a being that could make the laws of physics his bitch.
“Right, so, why did you help me. Not that I’m complaining of course, but you could have just stood back and watched me suffer.” He looked to be taken a bit back by this comment.
“Watching ponies getting hurt isn’t really my thing. Physically of course. Mentally I can do but I can’t really stand the sight of blood and gore too much. Yes, I can manipulate pretty much anything that takes my fancy, but watching things getting hurt is a little too harsh, even for me. I much prefer mind games. To finish, I knew you did nothing wrong, apart from defending yourself, so I felt as a reformed spirit of Chaos it was my job to do what was right. An act of kindness for a friend, which dear little Fluttershy taught me about.” Oh, OK, now I know why he isn’t turning reality on its head. He was reformed by those 6 ponies, some how. Glancing down at his paw, I noticed a large watch, which was shaped like one out of a Picasso (I.E. melting). He scrunched his face up in annoyance. “Well, looks like I’m going to have to send you back to your cell now. Terribly sorry about this, but I have to be going somewhere to meet a friend for tea. I can’t be too late, otherwise she would never forgive me.” Getting rid of his silly spy get up and our chairs, he quickly gave me another look, this one of remembrance. “Oh, I almost forgot, you had one more question. What was it?”
I pulled a small smile as I remembered the ridiculous question I had. “Discord, Can I play with madness?” I let out a small chuckle at this. However, he gave me a small frown.
“No, he’s gone out ” And with that he snapped his fingers and I reappeared in my room. Then I threw up on the floor and promptly passed out.