WARNING: CONTAINS VOMIT
Twidubbbz Sparkle and her loyal assistant FilthySpike were walking on a dirt path to Ponyville with a clear as crystal sky above them. It was so beautiful outside that Twidubbbz couldn’t help but skip like the ten-year old girl that should be watching this show and not the 24 year old that he and most fans of the show were. FilthySpike was acting more his age and gender, power-walking beside his master with a grimace on his face, but then again, he had to play the role of worst character for this story, so who could blame him for being such an angry little fucker?
“Come on, Spike!” Twidubbbz called to the dragon with a high-pitched voice with a light British accent, because that’s apparently what she sounds like on the show, “We’re going to be late for Pinkie Pie’s party!”
At once, FilthySpike stopped dead in his tracks, fed up with his owner’s bullshit.
“You know what?” FilthySpike called in his best child’s voice, flipping Twidubbbz off behind her back. “Fuck Pinkie Pie, fuck her party, and fuck the king!”
Immediately, Twidubbbz turned around and stomped loudly toward her uppity, steadfast slave.
“Listen here, you little faggot,” ordered Twidubbbz, “our good friend Pinkie Pie made us a lot of cupcakes and punch for us to eat. Now you be a good fucking boy, or I’m turning you into a be– belt!” he suddenly began to laugh, entertained by the morbid image that he painted for himself.
As Iddubbbz laughed, FilthyFrank laughed hard too, not giving the slightest of fucks that they had broken character.
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Twidubbbz and Filthy Spike were back on the trail, and Ponyville was just over the hill.
“Look, Spike,” she giddily announced with a pointed finger. “Ponyville is just over that hill. I can’t wait to see all of our friends! Let’s go! Weeeeeee!”
Twidubbbz sprinted down the hill with flailing arms and loose, wobbly legs. When she noticed that her hoofsteps were the only ones that she heard, she turned back to see Spike sitting in the middle of the path, hugging his legs in and sobbing his eyes out.
“Spike,” she called, running back to his aid, “Spike! What is wrong my friend!”
“It’s not fair!” FilthySpike cried in character. “I hate myself so much. All of my episodes are fucking gay and all I serve to any episodes are a couple of cheap laughs. If you really loved me, Twilight, you would cast a spell to make a rope to hang myself with!”
“D’aww, there there,” she cooed, patting his felt back, “I know life can be difficult sometimes, but there’s always good things about it too!”
“Like what?” he huffed in reply. “The end of my existence in this mortal coil?”
“No, silly! I know a certain pink pony who invited Ember all the way from Dragonland just for you?”
“What? Ember’s going to be there?”
“Oh, yes. And if you ask her nicely, I bet she’ll let you lose your virginity in her! How does that sound?” she asked with her nose waggling his.
FilthySpike immediately punched Twidubbbz hard in the jaw, knocking the glasses off of her nerd face.
“Let’s roll, bitch,” FilthySpike demanded in a much deeper voice, “or else I’m going to nut.”
Twidubbbz and FilthySpike continued the winding path around Ponyville that would lead them straight there. They would only be a few minutes away, and Spike would be able to do Ember’s drag-cunt and Twidubbbz and her friends could eat out each other’s cupcakes (I’m very good at these double entendres, as you can see).
However, they both saw something that ripped them both out of their respective fantasies. It was Disc4Views leaning against a tree, pretending to be one of those thugz4lyfe that he saw once in West Side Story.
Even behind the nonexistent camera, maxmoefoe couldn’t help but look at this monstrosity and say, “God, that looks so fucking terrible.”
Twidubbbz and FilthySpike still managed to stay in character, nervous by his appearance.
“Howdy, Discord…” Twidubbbz nervously greeted with an unsure Southern accent, “what brings you to this neck in the woods?”
“I heard you faggots were going to a little party?” the draconequus questioned. “Why wasn’t I invited? Are you suddenly better than me, you little pussies?”
“Discord,” FilthySpike tried to reason, “my man, I wouldn’t leave you hangin’ like that bro–”
“Enough! I’ve had it up to here with you and your friends’ shit. At 6:00 tonight, I’m blowing up this fucking town and everyone in it, and that includes you cunts. Nothing can stop me, especially your Elements of Harmony. Say your fucking prayers by then, cunts.”
With a snap of his fingers, Disc4Views jumpcut away, leaving Twidubbbz and FilthySpike scared and confused.
“Oh no!” exclaimed Twidubbbz. “Wherever did he go?”
“Gosh darn it,” FilthySpike growled with canned anger, “I hate that son of a gun.”
“That dickcheese! How are we going to stop him?”
Visible only to FilthySpike, HowToBasic ran in with a handful of eggs. Twidubbbz pretended to not pay him any attention as FilthySpike opened his mouth and allowed the white-ass HowToBasic to crack open of his brown-ass eggs for him to slide down his gullet. The second the egg went in an touched his tongue, FilthySpike spit it out. With a grunt, HowToBasic chucked one of his other eggs, hitting FilthySpike squarely above the eye, getting even more yolk, whites, and shell all over his face.
“Alright, alright,” FilthySpike conceded, opening his mouth.
HowToBasic broke open another egg, which FilthySpike was able to easily send down his throat with a little help from his tongue. Before Frank could close it back up, HowToBasic squeezed and crushed an egg and letting it all run into his mouth. FilthySpike couldn’t hold it any longer, and he knelt down and began to puke his brains out.
FilthySpike looked among his pile of vomit, but couldn’t find anything in it. He was still sick from the taste and he let out another heave, finally throwing up a wadded up piece of paper. At this, Twidubbbz finally took notice.
“Oh, look!” she gladly declared. “It’s a letter from the princesses!”
Twidubbbz did her best to wipe the puke off as she unraveled the paper. On the paper, it looked as though someone had tried to write with their mouth, making the parchment illegible, but Twidubbbz could read it as if it were typed out in English.
“Dear Twilight,” he read, “Discord’s gone wild, which means you’re straight fucked. Bail while you still got that sweet booty of yours. Love, Princess Celestia. P.S.: If you’re reading this, Luna and I have shot ourselves in the head to escape the slow deaths he has planned for us. Have fun!”
Twidubbbz put down the piece of paper slowly, a wave of despair sinking her down.
“Oh my god,” she muttered. “Princess Celestia wanted to fuck me!”
“Bitch, please,” FilthySpike said with a Z-snap, “I’ve wanted a piece of your tight ass since I hatched, but you know, we’re like, rated Y, so we can’t get away with that sick shit.”
Idubbbz and Frank both snickered, unable to keep a straight face.
“We need to stop Discord,” Twidubbbz said, immediately back in character. “We need to call the rest of our friends. I know! I’ll call Rainbow Dash!”
Twidubbbz began to furiously contract every muscle in his head, his face becoming red as a beet. When it became clear to Twidubbbz that her magic wasn’t going to work because magic isn’t real, she continued to strain as she pulled out her Apple iPhone 6S+.
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Maxmoe Dash lied in Pinkie Pie’s bed as she rubbed her hand over where her crotch would be if maxmoefoe had just bought a Rainbow Dash costume with a rubber crotch part, listening to early One Direction on her Galaxy S7 Edge before it began to ring, ending the song early.
“Oh, fuck no!” she sadly screamed as she was forced to orgasm to her stupid ringtone.
Her juice landed on the phone, but was still functional because Lil Wayne, and she irately answered it.
“Hello?” she said in her best raspy valley girl accent.
“Rainbow Dash,” Twidubbbz was heard shouting on the other line, “we need your help now!”
“Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”
“No, Discord’s going to destroy Ponyville, and then Equestria next!”
“What? But how am I going to see One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer perform live if Ponyville’s destroyed?”
“I know, so you better get your black ass down here, n***a.”
“Hold on, I’m on my way!”
Maxmoe Dash hung up her phone and stood up, facing the bedroom window. With a running start, Maxmoe Dash lept through the glass and fell right side first toward the ground where Twidubbbz and FilthySpike were already waiting. They were far too late to stop Maxmoe Dash as she landed on her side, screaming out in intense pain as she writhed about.
“Oh shit!” Idubbbz shouted out of character, seeing to his friend’s injuries.
“Well that wasn’t very smart,” snickered FilthyFrank, also coming to maxmoefoe’s aid.
“Fuck!” FilthySpike shouted. “It’s already 5:30, and we still don’t know how to stop Discord!”
“We’ll stop him like we did the last time,” Twidubbbz responded, “with the Elements of Harmony.”
“But where on… uh, whatever this planet is called,” spoke up Maxmoe Dash, “are we going to find them?”
“I think I might have a good idea on that…”
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Twidubbbz, FilthySpike, and Maxmoe Dash browsed the jewelry section at Kohls, looking for the exact things that they needed. Many other shoppers gave them all weird looks, and one child who was curious to approach them was quickly ushered away by her mom, who was pushing a stroller with a crying baby in it, because in Kohl’s, there’s always at least one screaming child, and that future Taco Bell cashier for life had be the one.
“Guys!” Maxmoe Dash shouted, pointing at a ruby necklace with a gold chain, “I found mine!”
“I think I found mine too!” Twidubbbz happily reported as she ran to her with a banana-yellow bra on her head.
“Sweet!” FilthySpike exclaimed. “Let’s go and save Equestria!”
“QUEERS!” yelled a 20-something man with way too much time and self-esteem on his hands.
“I know you’ll be when Discord rapes your virgin ASSHOLE!” Twidubbbz suddenly screeched in response.
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The three of them ran out of the store and back into the streets of Ponyville with just two minutes to spare.
“Quick!” lead Twidubbbz, putting her tiara back on her head from her bag, “put on your Elements of Harmony!”
Maxmoe Dash put on her new necklace while FilthySpike, who had nothing to do, grabbed an empty back and wrapped it around his head.
“So,” Disc4Views chortled, suddenly appearing before them, “you managed to find the Elements of Harmony. But even with those little trinkets, you have no hope to stop me!”
“We’ll see about that…” Maxmoe Dash spat back, unsure of which insult to use, “poopy lips!”
“You just fucking did not,” Disc4Views whispered, grossly offended.
Bending down, he reached into a large paper grocery bag, pulling out one of many small pint-sized bottles of chocolate milk and threw it at Maxmoe Dash. The force was such that the top broke off upon hitting Maxmoe Dash’s chest and showered him with sticky, stinky dairy before he fell to the ground.
Twidubbbz turned back to Spike and saw him about to pass out from lack of oxygen.
“Thanks, Spike!” she sincerely said as she pulled the bag off his head and charged at Disc4Views with it.
As Spike fell to his knees and wept, his chance of death cruelly taken away from him, Twidubbbz continued her approach. Disc4Views threw more chocolate milk bottles at his enemies, two at a time. The bag that Twidubbbz carried did nothing to protect him from the bottles pelting him in the face, but the bag caught them and the spilled liquid inside, keeping him dry.
On the other hand, it obscured his vision terribly, and with minimal effort, Dis4Views took out a single bottle from his bag and swung it across Twidubbz face, clotheslining him onto his back and knocking his tiara bra off his head.
“Twilight, noooooooooooooooo…!” Maxmoe Dash shouted as she ran with her body bent over and her arms out like Superman. Disc4Views smirked at the pathetic flight rush, and with a snap of his fingers, he produced a leather belt that he lashed over Maxmoe Dash’s exposed back once she was close enough. Maxmoe Dash fell beside her friend and writhed in the extreme pain they were in.
“Looks like you cunts won’t be needing these,” Disc4Views chortled, bending down.
Picking up Twidubbbz’s tiara bra and Maxmoe Dash’s ruby necklace, he laughed at his apparent triumph.
“With these powers,” he mused, “I will destroy this town, and then, Equestria and all the pussy that inhabits it will be mine.”
“Oh, Twidubbbz,” groaned Maxmoe Dash, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Rainbow Dash,” she replied, just as weakly, “at least I’ll get to die beside my best friend.”
Disc4Views continued to laugh maniacally, and was perfectly distracted enough for FilthySpike to take the last remaining Kohl’s bag and violently put it over the draconequus’s head, pulling back on the handles to wrap it around his throat.
“Dude, dude!” Anything4Views shouted out of character. “Stop it, I can’t fucking breathe, you cunt!”
Disc4Views let go of the Elements of Harmony to claw at the bag over his mouth, and both of them fell at Twidubbbz and Maxmoe Dash’s heads. Not wanting to waste their window of time, they got up with their Elements in hand and put them back on.
“Wonder pony powers activate!” they both shouted.
As a shitty lens flare appeared over both of their Elements accompanied with a loud ringing, both Idubbbz and Maxmoefoe unintelligibly discussed whether or not that was what they said on the show. When the light faded away, each one was left with a rainbow-painted can of hairspray and a large lit match. By now, Disc4Views had pulled the bag apart into two, but by the time he realized it, it was too late.
“No, fuck, not again!” he screamed.
FilthySpike dove for cover as Twidubbz and Maxmoe Dash shot their Rorschach flamethrowers magic at Disc4Views, and as the flames scorched his skin, Disc4Views yowled and tried to flee only to trip over his cankles and fall to the ground, allowing the two ponies to laugh heartily while they got to live out their Vietnam fantasies.
When they felt like they had done enough damage to Disc4Views to prevent Anything4Views from requiring extensive surgery, they suddenly broke out two mops that were sitting in buckets of dull grey house paint, and before Disc4Views could get away again, they splashed him once each with their mops and already covered most of him with the stony-colored paint. Disc4Views managed to get to his knees.
“Yo, dipshit,” FilthyFrank yelled at Disc4Views out of character, “you’re getting into stone or something, so stay fucking still!”
Disc4Views could only respond with, “Fuck you, cunt–”
His insult was interrupted as the head of the mop struck Disc4Views in the side of the head and the strings of the mop swung around and wrapped over his face.
“Seriously, stop, stop!” Anything4Views pleaded. “It’s getting in my mouth!”
Twidubbbs and Maxmoe Dash continued their assault, forcing Disc4Views to kneel down and put his hands over his head as the rest of his body was slathered with gallons upon gallons of paint. When every visible inch of Disc4Views was covered in the paint, Idubbbz, Maxmoefow, and FilthyFrank couldn’t help but bust out laughing over how fucking badly he was colored. Realizing that the scene was pretty much over, Anything4Views stood up and began walking away.
“Seriously, cunts,” he mumbled loudly as he left, “fuck you all, this was worse than fucking Mario. I mean it this time, don’t ever call or talk to me again, I’m done, you cunts.”
“Come on, everypony,” Twidubbbz exclaimed to her friends, “let’s go to that party.”
With arms drapped over their necks and shoulders, Twidubbbz, Maxmoe Dash, and FilthySpike walked down the street and in the direction of Pinkie Pie’s house, ready to finally go to that party and get some much needed pussy.