> Luna and the Dovakiin (Poem)
>  by Okhlahoma Beat-Down
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Luna and The Dovakiin
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Luna was walking about one day
Soaking up the sun's warm rays.
Her sister, Celestia, was sat inside,
From paparazzi she was trying to hide.
The princess of the night was enjoying her stroll,
until she saw something with arms like a troll's.

T'was a tall ape,
though it did lack the hair
he wore armour made of the skin of a bear.
It appeared he was carrying a bottle of mead
to cross his path something she  didn't need.

'Out of my way, I'm headed back to Tamriel,
shift your fat plot or you will taste my steel!"
Luna did reel back with a fright
Is this how you treat a princess of night?

'Have you no honour, you fat old brute,
with a smell like that, you should go down the garbage chute!"
Her voice was like an echoing boom,
she had plenty of practice during her time on the moon!

"If this is how you treat me,
shall I give you an arrow in the knee?
I killed a great dragon, on my own of course,
it will be a simple task to kill a blue horse!"

He unsheathed his blade,
t'was shining bright,
he swung it thrice at the bringer of night.
The sword was swift, she had to evade.

She regained her balance, remembered her age,
The beautiful princess was now full of rage.
She shouted with all her will,
"If it's me you want, it will be you I kill!"

Her horn grew violet,
The colour of the plants,
She fired her magic into his pants
She used to be calm, now she was violent!

The Ape threw down his spearhead
Hoping to slay her with flames instead.
The gout of fire blasted towards the Alicorn,
Almost melting the end of her horn.

By this point, She'd had enough,
Now was the time for things to get rough.
She levitated his sword
(Not being able to hold it, she is just a horse!)

She swung it to and fro,
chopping off the Dovakiin's nose.
'FUS RO DAH!' He yelled,
sending the princess flying into a well.

She clonked down the sides,
Smacking her head.
She staggered around, birds span round her neck.
The Dragonborn arrived, up at a height.

His laughter echoed down  the well,
making him sound like a demon from hell.
'Better luck next time, you crazy blue horse! '
'Maybe now we  can be allied, of course!'

Luna just looked up and gave a dazed grin,
That powerful man, this time he did win.
'Next time, however, thee will fail,
leaving I, Princess Luna, the one who will prevail!'

> Celestia and The Jarl of Whiterun
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Celestia frowned at the current Economy
it was although money itself had become an enemy.
Her colourful mane flapping with no breeze,
she put her hoof to her nose, preventing a sneeze.

She trotted down a Canterlot corridor,
thinking about her favorite Harry Plodder house, Griffindor.
She entered her Throne room with both large chairs
and was greeted by a monkey with very few hairs.

"Who art thou?" She asked in fear.
"And what are you doing on my throne, my dear?
The man let out a shocked gasp,
and reached for his warhammer, which was within his grasp.

"How can you speak? Answer fair mare!"
Cried Whiterun Jarl Balgruuf, as talking horses were rare!
In his life in Skyrim, living through all hard,
he had never seen a pony with a voice like a Bard.

Celestia blushed, apparently she was fair,
she simply smiled, showing off her hair.
"We were born like this, all ponies, see.
And no, we do not simply drink, poop, and pee."

She led him through Canterlot,
Showing him each guard to each ink blot.
"My guards, they are finer warriors than me.
And fortunately for them, they protection on their knees."

She continued to tell him boring facts,
he heard the beebee of a machine sending fax.
"Who are you, liar, a Daedra Mage?
Show yourself, Sheograth, and face my blade?"

Celestia moved her head in confusion, her  face not sure enough,
"What is a Daedra," she asked with a cough,
"And who is this Sheograth you speak of in a voice like death?"
Balgruuf threw his axe at the princess. "Don't speak, temptress!"

He leapt out the window, expecting guards to stop his fall,
with that thought he gave his all.
Gravity was not Imperial, though, it favoured Stormcloaks.
And with that final note, Jarl Balgruuf did croak.

> The guard and The Guard
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


The guard did sigh.
He was accused of attempting to die.
He was given some help, mental, of course.
And sent back to duty, tall as a horse.

He was waiting near The castle, for any dodgy signs,
and along came a thing, covered in pines.
It stood on two legs, in it's sheath a blade.
Resting on it's head was a bucket missing a spade.

"Iron is not reliable," it said in an accent that stuck in his head.
"Try using steel, my friend, it has a finer blade instead."
So the guard left his post,
To re -equip, at most.

Returning with a steel blade forged from a mountain,
he reurned to his post, on duty again.
His hoof shook, it was dead cold,
But at least he might earn a slight more gold.

The same man returned again, claiming that steel was lame.
But then again, his sword was surely the same?
He once again left, replacing his sword.
Only this time, he prepared like a true Nord!

If this guard returned, he would shoot  his knee,
Then he might do a better duty.
Genius on paper, a flop in real life.


Because it turns out the man had 10 wives.

> Fluttershy and the Daedra
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fluttershy sang in a voice like a flute
the  guards were entranced, they had to salute.
A large black demon appeared at the door,
she slammed it harder than ever before.

"Open this door, right now, you scum! "
It shouted this louder than a bass drum.
"Or Mehrune shall break it, and turn you into a Lute!"
Fluttershy panicked, sheshould have bought an escape chute!

She cracked the door open, sighting a charcoal and blood red Daedra,
Not a good sign for the shyest pony in Equestria.
She opened it fully, she tried the stare,
the favour was returned by a Daedra-grade glare.

A Kynval was not known for remorse,
they were known to reduce anything into a corpse.
She decided 'that's it', she broke into fear,
And the Kynval left, never came back near.

For you see, dear reader, 
It's orders were not to kill her,
It's job was to steal fear,
May I also say, it had a major success in it's career.

> Cadence and The Bandit
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Cadence was in a carriage when her guard took a painful blow,
she cowed behind a wheel, trying to stay low.
They all were wearing bits of random crap,
on their shields with their maces they did rap.

The Princess was worried, what if they caught her?
They'd take away her belongings and she'd be submitted to torture!
Her head on a spike might make a gruesome sight
Luna would be shocked to see that in the night!

Oh, how she wished she'd never made a big show,
then maybe her escort might have dodged the shot from the bow.
Even though in her mind there was dangerous, greedy strife,
none shall get her without a blow from her knife!

She jumped out of the highly raised door,
smacking her pink snout onto the floor.
'Ow, my nose!' She let out a cry,
Then she turned to give the carriage a quick evil eye.

The Bandit simply let out a throaty roar,
like you might  hear if you 'P' off a wild boar.
He covered the distance in a few swift strides,
then sheathed his mace and connected it to his side.

'Do you have a large and decent amount of gold?
If that is not the case, your crown can be sold!'
He began once again to snort and chortle,
The way that made Cadence's blood curdle.

This time though, she swiped with her steel,
the amount of blood he lost turned his face teal.
He collapsed into the floor, his fate in the bag,
Cadence was not a noob, she did not teabag.

Instead of crouching up and down,
she simply smiled and straightened her crown.
Knowing she did what needed to be done,
she simply took off into the warm summer sun.

Now that poor lonely bandit had been beat,
She left him to cook, and for vultures to eat.
That goes to show you boys,
princesses DO use big boy's toys.


> Discord and Sheograth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Discord had been sat,  a quiet Winter's eve,
the stone cage had started to freeze.
Eventually, though, it opened and cracked,
he couldn't help but think, 'Discord's back!'

Suddenly, he was joined by a rather odd  man,
he wore a multi-coloured suit, one purple, one tan.
'HALLO!' Shouted Sheograth.
'LOOK AT MY STAFF, IT 'S CALLED WABBAJACK!'

'Really, my friend, no need to shout,
the one I hate might be about!'
Discord started to like this guy,
maybe they both could make pigs fly!

'And who's that? OOHHH! Don't tell me!'
shouted the Daedric prince of madness with glee.
'Mehrune Dagon, he makes me snore,
Maybe it's that good ol' DRAGONBORN!'

He burst into a fit, like he needed a pee,
'What is going on here, and who art thee?'
The moon princess Luna, behind Discord she had been,
Celestia knows how much she'd heard and seen!

'Ah, Luna! My beautiful mare,
this is Sheograth, he's crazy as a bear!'
I think you might happen, it will turn out bad,
the Wabbajack turned Luna into a tiny, blue mudcrab.

Celestia trotted outside, what had happened was unknown.
'Discord, the elements turned you to stone!'
Of all she could have been turned into, maybe a Flagon,
Sheograth legged it when she became an Elder Dragon!

Discord's blood had ran cold.
For something like running, he was too old.
Celestia shouted, 'YOL, TOOR SHUL!'
Discord was owned faster than a baby on a mechanical bull.

> Twilight and Arngeir
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Twilight went to the top of the mountain,
she did see the girls at the town fountain.
The castle had just been spotted,
as a keen map maker, she'd be first to have it plotted.

When she did reach the top of the 9000 steps, she was tired as hell.
Now all she had to do was ring the ebony bell.
Instead of greeted with a simple hoof-hold,
she was met by a man who saw  her shiverring in the cold.

'Great Talos!' He cried, producing a quilt,
she was wrapped into it and into the building, surprisingly well built.
Ancient stone made up the walls, 
and ancient artifacts lined the halls.

The old man lowered her to a table, 
where in standing up she was  surprisingly able.
'Well, little pony what brings you here?
Have you come to speak with Arngeir?'

Twilight was worried, what if he attacks?
She was far too tired to summon an axe.
'I have come to see what this was,
I presume up here you haven't seen many a horse?'

'We rarely go down, we are rather old,
we train in Thu'ums, like in days of old.'
He gave the lavender unicorn a friendly grin,
He then gave her a bottle of gin.

Twilight became quite drunk,
making comments about her friends and saying Rarity was a skunk.
Staggering out with a lot of bottles in her aura,
she trotted home, pretending she was an explorer.

She went back to Ponyville,
she crested the hill.
'Where have you been?'
'We thought you'd been killed!'

Twilight didn't care, she was in a stupor,
she got Rarity drunk, she said she was 'super!'
The only thing she remembered was a a voice loud to hear,
it was from the mountains, 'Goodbye' shouted old Arngeir.

> Pinkie Pie and Cicero
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Pinkie was laughing even more,
as she watched the Jester do his odd dance once more.
He'd done it many a time,
even after his arrest for a murderous crime.

"Hee hee!" Laughed Pinkie, giggling like mad.
"If I didn't meet you, the world would be sad."
The strangely dressed man bounced with glee,
demonstrating that he still had a perfectly good knee.

"Ho ho, little pony, you jest with Cicero,
do you like parties? For one we must throw!"
Pinkie's eyes widened with joy,
did she like parties? YES, MY BOY!

And off they skipped, gathering party gear,
all over Equestria they spread their cheer.
They passed the Dovakiin, sharpening his sword,
there's adventures to be had, no parties for this nord!

They attracted whole crowds, clapping and laughing,
Twilight was still hungover, she was barfing.
Bards were hired, except with no pay
who wants money for making a pony's day?

Troublemakers from the Brotherhood arrived,
and tried to cut down Cicero with Daedric-grade knives.
He didn't care, he was essential,
the most they could hurt him with was bullying and insults.

Suddenly though, his mind snapped,
insulting the Night Mother deserves a whap!
He went to Astrid, pulled out his blade,
a wound like a valley he made.

Everybody cheered, they knew who she was,
A few ponies came over and covered her corpse in moss.
The festivities continued into very early hours,
nopony was tired, no need for cold showers!

"This was good fun!" The court Jester smiled.
"Maybe next year it'll be even more wild!"
"I really agree," Pinkie replied.
"Next time, we could do it for Shining Armor's bride!"

> Fluttershy and Alduin
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


"My, oh my, what a scary beast!"
Fluttershy was still scared, to say the least.
"If I'd waited a few seconds more,
he would have chopped me up and been out the door!"

She was headed into the mountain path,
to see if any animals were hurt in the highland grass.
But she'd completely forgotten, one big old mistake:
she was headed right towards the Dragon's cave.

Instead of finding a shivering little goat,
or maybe even a lost baby stoat,
she reached the top and found a concrete wall.
Rainbow Dash doesn't come here, not even with a ball!

As she tried to turn and leave,
an echoing roar made her whole body freeze.
The snow in front of her flew up into a cloud,
when it cleared there stood a dragon, it saw her and growled.

"Zuul anslaan?" The mighty beast boomed.
"Li Sahloknir!" Translating roughly to 'You are doomed!"
Fluttershy's pupils shrank in her eyes.
Not now. Not here in this cold lonely ice!

She screamed and curled up into a ball.
Alduin expected a challenge, but this was fine, after all.
He opened his jaws wider than an open bear trap,
any normal human would be thinking, 'Awwww crap...'

But Fluttershy wasn't human, she still held her ground,
that this was happening, the Soul Eater frowned.
He began speaking in Dov, Fluttershy didn't get it.
She remembered Twilight offered her a book on this, maybe she should have read it.

She still prepared, likely she'd die,
the thought of never seeing her friends again made her cry.
She sat simply whining in a ball, thinking she'd never become a wife,
when another roar came, from a dragon that saved her life.

The clouds broke, a black shape swooped upon the World Eater,
the Epic dragon Paarthurnax won't let him defeat her!
He smashed his whole weight into the evil beast,
the amount of blood spilt would have made the Dragonborn crease.

They battled and shouted, roared and bit,
trading insults inbetween to show their true grit.
Soon, Alduin stopped, he looked at Fluttershy.
"I cannot be defeated here, in Sovngarde you will DIE!"

Finally, the monster took off, leaving a dragon with a pony.
"Krosis." He muttered, his skin the colour of Ebony.
"Please repeat, if you don't mind..." Fluttershy whined,
"Can you please tell me why he tried to eat me alive?"

"It is in a dragon's nature," Paarthurnax replied,
"To make attempts on other being's lives."
Fluttershy tried to spread her wings to escape the ice,
but that's when she realized that this dragon was nice.

They spoke and chattered, discussing his moods.
She left for an hour, and returned with her some food.
They both agreed to visit each other, on earth and up high,
and with that, Fluttershy took off to the sky.

> Lyra and the Bard
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lyra was trotting around the street one day,
thinking about hands, getting food off her tray.
Sitting in Gustav's got her an idea,
maybe I'll meet a human, everypony else has one near!

This thought would stick in her head,
From right now, 'til she was dead.
She didn't wait long really, she heard music most splendorious,
like most mares her age, this got her curious.

She wandered through allyways, past Mr Pork,
until she saw something that was really an Orc.
His skin a dark green, on his head a hat,
and like most pictures she'd seen, he was strong, not fat.

Her jaw hit the ground, his instrument was made of brass,
much like her harp she plays while eating grass.
She cantered forwards, pulling out her harp,
was she out of time with him? NARP.

They attracted quite a crowd, Stallions and Mares.
Even the vet stopped, and for some reason a bear.
Playing their tunes made them some cash,
donations even came from the skint Rainbow Dash.

When the crowd dispersed, when everybody was gone but Scootaloo,
the pair teamed up, they shook hands and hooves.
A few weeks later, they were sensations overnight,
in fact, if you wanted somepony's ticket, with them you'd fight.

Anymore money, they would have their every whim,
even if the Orc referred to them as Septims.
"We did well, we had a laugh,"
Lyra moaned, "but now I just want to go home and have a bath."

> Winona and Barbas
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Winona barked with joy,
she was sat in the barn with her favorite dog toy.
This was done, day in, day out,
the rest of the night was spent doing nout.

She rolled over backwards, chewing the ball,
when a wooly dog came in, brown-furred and tall.
She woofed in order to greet the new guy,
but almost had a heart-attack when he said 'Hi!'

Letting out a startled yelp,
the Farm dog tried to call for help.
Instead of receiving a buck in the face,
Barbas laughed, making her heart race.

"You're just what I was looking for!"
The new dog cried.
"My master abandoned me, could you lend a paw?"
Winona halted, but then happily obliged.

So they set off, down the beaten track,
if the Everfree forest looked for fear,
I think with this pair it'd find a lack.
Soon they came to a cave, mouth agape in an evil leer.

"Well, here we are." Barbas announced.
And out of the cave, Pinkie and a Jester bounced.
Not sure what to make of that,
they carried on inside, only to find rats.

"I wonder who might be here."
Winona thought, there wasn't much cheer.
"Any offer my master makes," Barbas said clear,
"Just ignore it, it's a bad idea."

Before she could think of who he meant,
the pair reached a statue, axe in hand.
Approaching carefully, as the walkway was bent,
the statue spoke, its voice very grand.

"Hello there," He boomed, his voice like Gervais,
"Why don't you come up and speak to my face?"
Just before the brown dog could,
Barbas held her back as much as he could.

"Oh, that dumb mutt?" The statue sighed,
"I don't like him, please end his life."
Winona was thinking, "That's not nice!"
when suddenly a flash occured, cold as ice.

Barbas let go, backing away,
he was clearly worried, easy to see as day.
When the light finally left the room,
a hairless ape appeared, holding some kind of boon.

"My name is Clavicus Vile,
Do you want this mask? Here, give it a trial!"
With that, the man threw Winona the hat,
it looked quite dodgy, she'd give it that!

Barbas practically yelled blue murder,
as a gigantic axe sliced in front of him with the weight of a girder.
Bits of stone hitting Winona's head,
she most certainly thought her new friend was dead.

Instead of Barbas' head on the floor,
another man appeared, his shield the size of a door.
The wooly dog was huddled underneath,
just next to this new person's weapon sheath.

"Vile, what the hell are you doing?"
Molag Bal's voice boomed, making the bells in the cave ring.
"If you did not want the dog,
I would look after him, I could throw him logs!"

For some reason this ending was happy,
even though it almost ended up crappy.
Barbas now lives with the Prince of Pain,
and now Applebloom has a hat to go with her cape.