Pranknado! (Revised)

by Dark Chocolate

First published 22nd of May, 2016

Celestia and Luna get into a prank war. Luna takes it too far when she involves a human.

Whisked away on a magical adventure with a pony princess, I quickly realize she's probably using me for something. But hey, beats work right?

From The Dirt To The Clouds

I spin around slowly in my chair, unable to be constructive with the unending boredom of my job. The metal shack that was my work space, wasn't even big enough for two people. Tin walls, accompanied by single pane windows, surrounded me on all four sides.

I hear a few footsteps outside. I sit up and stare out into the darkness. I search eagerly, taking anything as entertainment at this point. I give up after a few minutes and go back to doing nothing, which I guess is rather ironic when you stop to think about it.

Crunching of gravel right outside my door makes me sit up suddenly.
A tall blue pony sticks her head in the door, "You like being whisked away on magical adventures with strangers right?"

I stare for a minute, my mouth hangs open, "Um...not especia-" I'm interrupted by being pulled through the roof of the guard shack as if I was made of fog. I scream the entire time, watching the ground shrink below me. I flail my arms wildly, desperate for something to grab onto.
The pony looks over at me, "Oh sorry I forgot you humans aren't used to flying. If it makes you feel any better, you're um...uh...I...like your beard! Yes! Auburn is my favorite color by far! Right after purple, black, blue, silver, teal, and I guess light purple." All I can do is scream in panic as a response.

She rolls her eyes, "I knew I should have learned that muting spell..." All I can see of Earth is the small lights dotted around the landscape.
We stop in the air, with my eyes still bulging. The blue pony watches me, as she thinks of what to say. "So um...we're going to teleport now...hope that's ok." A flash of light surrounds me and I'm blinded.

I stop shaking, as I sit on the floor of a room. My brain is still playing catch up with my body. I see a massive bed, that has various amounts of clothing on it. The entire room is a bit of a wreck. Everything is unorganized and left laying out carelessly. There's a 40 inch t.v. to the right of the bed, against the wall.

The pony sticks her head out the door cautiously, looks both directions, then closes it with a contented smile.
She turns around and faces me, "Now then...um...I'm going to call you...sugarcube!" She nuzzles the top of my head with her hoof, messing up my hair with a large, friendly smile. I have to readjust my glasses, still struggling to understand what was going on.

She clears her throat, "So I need your help with...um..finding the element of...Zarcon! Yes, the element of Zarcon!" She trots over to a table, and draws something with her mouth. She brings over the piece of paper and points at it, "This is the element of Zarcon!"
I glance at the picture, then back to her teal eyes again, "That looks like a playstation controller..." She rolls her eyes, "Um, maybe to the untrained it does. This element will....um...destroy the planet if we don't find it!" She sits back on her haunches and wiggles her front hooves up and down, while making ghost noises.

I can't do anything but stare at her. "But in order to find it, you'll have to organize everything! And even if you do find it, you'll have to still organize everything or the...element can't be contained! Yes! And misery will be had by all!" She stares at me awkwardly. My eyes dart around the room, "Um...ok I guess." She clomps her hooves together happily, "Excellent! I shall return within a few hours!" She trots to the door and opens it. "Um...can I ask you one quick question?" I say shyly.
She turns around and cocks an eyebrow, "Yes?"

I rub the back of my next gently, "Uh...so how did you loose something so important in your bedroom? That seems rather...careless..."
She trots up to me with a huge smile, "Well aren't you the inquisitive one!" She gets within a foot of me and gently taps the tip of my nose with her hoof. Without waiting for a response, she leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

A few hours go by, and the entire place is picked up and neatly organized.
She strolls back in, and looks around joyfully, "Oh excellent! Did you find the controller?"
I raise an eyebrow, "I thought it was the element of Zarcon..."
She stares at me blankly for a few seconds, "Whatever, did you find it at least?"
I motion to the table in the corner of the room. She trots over happily and carries the controller to the t.v.
"So um...if you don't mind me asking...why did you choose me? Am I special or something?"
She looks surprised, "Oh um! Yes! In a way...kind of...maybe. Almost I mean...sort of...not exactly...no."
I narrow my eyes, pushing my loose glasses back up my nose, "Then why did you pick me?"
She sits on her haunches like she's going to tell me an epic story, "Ah! Well you were certainly ideal! You see, your current job makes you the perfect candidate! Due to you not being an essential part of the company's process, your complete lack of importance made you perfect for the job!"
I sigh, "Ah...I see."
She nods a few times, "Mhm, mhm, you see, I knew if you left, no one would notice you being gone, even if it was for your entire shift! Your inability to be of any value what-so-ever, meant I could whisk you away for however long I pleased, and not a single person would care!"
I stare at her with annoyance.
She keeps talking excitedly for some reason, "You see, you were so useless, that out of the four other people that were almost as useless as you, I chose you and you alone, for your inability to make even the slightest difference in your company's opera-"
"I get it!" I yell.

She glances around the room silently, looking for something to break the silence with.
She lifts a second controller up, "Wanna play?"
I stare at her for a bit, "Aren't you suppose to maybe...save your kingdom?"
She narrows her eyes at me gradually, "You can use the third controller with the bad joystick..."
Her ears perk up as another female starts calling out from the hallway, "Luna? Are you there?"

She looks around frantically, before dashing behind me and shoving me towards her bed.
"Ok now for the second part of the ritual...um..you have to hide under the bed! Quietly! Or...Celestia...will eat you!"
I sigh heavily, "After that can I go home?"
She pushes me harder, "Yes, yes, you can go wherever you want!"

I shudder as I crawl under her bed. There's rotting food, old clothing, pizza boxes, basically anything you'd expect for someone with no sense of the word clean.

I hear a second pony enter the room that I assume is this Celestia, "Luna! You actually cleaned your room! I'm shocked you didn't find some poor idiot to do it for you again!" I narrow my eyes.

Luna stomps her hooves happily, "Of course not! I mean how many mindless oafs do you think I could possibly find?!"
Celestia laughs gently, "Well as we agreed, here's the latest copy of Pony Combat X." Luna squeals excitedly.
I hear Celestia trot out. The door closes and Luna's excited face pops underneath the bed. Before I can say anything, there's a flash of blue light.

I open my eyes and stare at an unfamiliar ceiling. A note is pinned to my shirt.
Don't forget, it was all just a dream!
p.s. I couldn't remember which room was yours, sorry!
I stare at the note confused. The door opens to a hairy man in his 40s, balding and overweight, wearing a white tank top and blue jeans. He glares at me.

Not Fit For Royality

I sit at my table, eating a bowl of cereal. A flash of blue to my left grabs my attention. Luna is back again. Before I can speak, she scrambles up to me.

"Sugarcube! I need you once more!" A golden crown appears on the table. "You must hide this! It is the...crown of...Zarcon! Yes! Please, you must do this to save my kingdom!" She plants both her hooves on my cheeks, squishing them together so hard, it forces my lips to ooze up and down. "Be the hero that I need!" She says, giving me sad, puppy dog eyes. Her lip trembles, and I'm still completely caught off guard. She steps back a few feet, then waves at me with a giant smile, "Bye!" She vanishes in a flash.

I sit at the table, staring at the golden crown, having no idea what to do. A white flash erupts to my left again, and I sigh with annoyance. A large white pony appears, with light multicolored hair of teal, pink, green and purple. She stares at me for a moment and does her best to seem friendly.
"Hello there, my name is prin- " A black shirt slides off my t.v. and lands on her flank. She starts shrieking, "What is that, what is that!? Get it off!" She can't hear me yelling over her cries, as she bucks wildly. I sit calmly at my table, waiting for her to finish. She destroys my dresser and the t.v. on top, smashes my bookcase, darts across the room still freaking out, manages to put a hoof in every single cabinet, smashing almost all of my dishes. She spins a few times, still kicking her hind legs screaming, and sends my table flying.

The shirt falls off, landing gently on the floor. She stops kicking, and looks down at the shirt, panting with all her might. She looks over at me, sitting in my chair, with a grumpy expression. She gives me an embarrassed smile, then spots her crown. It vanishes with white light.
We stare at each other awkwardly. She smiles at me weakly, as she uses her hoof to lift one of my chairs upright. She points behind me, "Hey look! A distraction!" I don't turn around. She waits a few seconds before vanishing.

Luna reappears. I greet her with an annoyed sigh. "Sugarcube! Quickly! I've discovered the magical portal of...Zarcon! You must hide it immediately!" A massive dresser appears in the middle of my apartment, with a three foot tall oval mirror attached to the front. I glare at her, "This is a one-room apartment. All my stuff is in shambles and that dresser reaches the ceiling! How do you expect me to hide it?!"
She looks around in shock, "Oh my, what happened?!"
I narrow my eyes, "The white pony destroyed it all. Seems like she was looking for something."

She rolls her eyes, then uses her magic to lift the table back to where it was. "Oh I know! You wouldn't believe the things she's put me through!" My only box of cereal, a bowl, a spoon, and my gallon of milk are whisked from my fridge with magic.
She pours herself a bowl while complaining, "This one time, it's my birthday right? And I specifically asked for a purple cake. And the cake is blue, and I'm like "Um, that's not purple!" She shoves a small spoon full of cereal in her mouth, "And she's all like "It's purple, it's just a weird shade-" she glares then spits out the cereal, "Ew!" She swipes the bowl to the ground with her hoof. Cereal spills all over the floor, and the bowl rolls across the floor before coming to a stop against the wall. She trots over to my fridge.

I hear her rummaging around. She pulls her head out, carrying various vegetables, mustard and bread to the table. She makes a sandwich while talking, "So anyways, I mean my whole birthday was ruined and everything! I ended up having to tell the Ponytones they had to leave, and I had to return the golden chariot with fireworks and all that!" She watches me casually as she devours her sandwich.
After she's done eating, we sit there quietly. Luna sighs, "So...do you um...have any cake?" I shake my head. She rolls her eyes and vanishes.

The white pony teleports in again, glances at the dresser, and it disappears. She smiles weakly at me, "I um..like your place!" I look around at my destroyed dresser, t.v., bed, cabinets, and the cereal on the ground. After a few awkward seconds, she smiles at me again, "So um..I hear you like sugarcubes!" A flash of white behind me leaves a huge bag of sugarcubes. It's almost as big as I am. "For your trouble!"

I sigh, "I don't really care for sugarcubes."

She looks shocked and raises a hoof to her mouth, "Then why does Luna call you sugarcube?"

I slam my hands on the table angrily, "I don't know! Ask her!"
She waves at me with her hoof, "Well bye!"

I sit up yelling later that night. Something was crawling on my foot. I use the light on my phone to look at the foot of my bed, that was technically more debris at this point. The only thing bigger than the bag of sugarcubes, was the ants crawling all over it and my "Bed". I groan and do my best to go back to sleep.