> The Stick of Truth: Equestria
>  by Equestriasservant
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> Prologue
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	The small, darkened room was what you might call a typical child's room. The wallpaper showed over several patterns of clouds, arrayed against a clear blue sky. A small desk was in the corner upon which was stacked several drawings, each depicting a crude drawing of a cyan blue Pegasus with a Rainbow mane, posing in several different stances. A small shelf under the window held several small figurines of the same Pegasus, each posed in a heroic stance. Leaning against the wall was a square shaped saddle bag, the perfect size for a filly, stuffed with books.  Most of these features went unnoticed by the purple maned filly sleeping in the large bed, covered by a thick quilt that, unsurprisingly, depicted the rainbow-maned Pegasus, diving out of a cloud. But all this was unnoticed by the dark eyed stallion, watching over his sleeping daughter. 

The Filly turned over in her sleep, oblivious to both the large moon, shining down upon her through the window over her bed and the Stallion, standing in the darkened doorway. He had been standing there for only a few moments gazing at the sleeping filly. It still made him smile as he watched his sleeping daughter. The light highlighted the sleeping fillies orange fur making her look as beautiful as the day he had taken her in. The Stallion smiled to himself, putting the plate, upon which was a small slice of pie upon the floor, next to the bed. The Stallion knew that the filly wouldn't eat the pie until tomorrow but it was still nice to show that he cared. Then he turned and left the room, closing the door on his daughter, letting the young filly sleep on  in undisturbed solitude. Taking care not to clap his hooves to hard on the wooden floor, thus waking his daughter, the stallion moved away from the door. He smiled to himself as he moved away. His daughter was sleeping and she still made him proud. 

As the stallion moved through the darkened house, his hooves clopping softly on the varnished wood, he passed a mirror. He stopped briefly. Sometimes he was surprised that his appearance had changed so drastically in only a year. His silver mane and dark shadows under his eyes made him look old. The Stallion smirked before returning to his wandering, eventually making it to a door. Opening it, the stallion made his way out onto the large wooden porch, settling himself on the swinging chair his girlfriend had insisted be installed. The wooden seat swung as he looked up at the starry sky. The stars dotted the black expanse, glittering like silver buttons on a sheet of black velvet. The Stallion smiled widely. Looking up at the sky, he was filled with memories. He'd been up there once. He'd' met aliens once though he hoped he'd never have to go through the same encounter again. It had caused him a lot of pain. The Stallion shivered, feeling a cool night breeze rippling through his turquoise blue fur. It was late and the temperature had dropped considerably. 

"Douche-Bag?" He turned his head as the voice sounded next to him. A violet furred Unicorn had appeared in the doorway. Her violet eyes were half-closed and a little bloodshot. Her purplish violet mane was a little messy, several strands sticking  out. She must've gotten out of bed, disturbed by the door opening. The Unicorn was wearing a violet dressing gown with a white star on the pocket. The Unicorn settled herself beside the Stallion smiling at him. "You need to come to bed." Her voice was a little stern. "Wandering around every night like this isn't good for you." The Stallion remained silent, watching the unicorn with an expression akin to exasperation. The Unicorn sighed. "Douche-Bag you know I'm telling the truth." The stallion loosed an inaudible sigh and nodded but did not budge from his position. The Unicorn looked up at the sky. "Thinking about anything?" she asked "You usually think about the day we met each other when you sit out here.". The Stallion returned to looking at the sky. The Stallion would remember that day for as long as he lived. 



     

One Year Earlier: Ponyville

The Residents of Ponyville, a large mixture of Stallions, Mares and Fillies of all shapes, sizes and colors were milling about, going about their daily business and basking in the warmth of the mid-morning sun. The day was just beginning and the ponies seemed determined to make the best of it, setting up their varied market stalls and opening their many shops, their wares appearing on display like a magic trick. Already, the usual hustle and bustle was starting up, the loud babble of talk and laughter creating the warm and welcoming atmosphere that the little town was known for. Many of the ponies were moving between the stalls and shops now, cheerful conversation flitting between the many ponies. Several Pegasi floated through the sky, pushing clouds around to make the image of perfection complete which they had managed to achieve spectacularly. Bright sunlight shone down onto the town, baking the little village in warm light. 

But all this went unnoticed by the turquoise earth pony, slowly making his way through the many crowds, heading towards the center of the town. The Stallion was dressed in a flowing cloak, also colored turquoise that covered his navy blue fur. A headband kept his long black mane out of the Stallions eyes, which watched the surrounding ponies with a quiet intensity. Perched atop the new arrivals back was a small quiver, full of arrows and a large bow, the bowstring of which was secured around his body, holding the length of wood against the Stallions back. Many of the ponies had stopped now as the Stallion continued slowly through the crowds. The Stallion wasn't surprised however. He was moving with a static lollop, as though he had only been walking on his hooves for a few minutes like a newborn foal. Several of the ponies surrounding this new arrival sniggered at this bizarre walk though many stopped when they noticed the bow and arrows on the Stallions back. But the Stallion ignored them his eyes darting back and forth as though searching for something.

Finally, the strange Stallion arrived at what he hoped was his destination. A large tree was sprouting out, a few minutes walk from the central plaza. Windows and a large door were set into the wood and the Stallion guessed that, rather like the cottages that Ponyville was mainly made up of, this tree was being used to live. Glancing at the sign that hung from a nearby branch, the Stallion saw the single word: Library. The Stallion smiled. So he'd been right. He raised his hoof and knocked. Silence. Frowning in annoyance, the silent stallion pushed the door open. and went inside. He was greeted with a circular room, dominated largely by bookshelves, row after row of books. The Stallion grinned. Perfect. Dropping the Bow and quiver, the Stallion aimed for the nearest bookshelf and eyed the covers. He stood there, looking at the books spines in silence until a female voice sounded above him. 

"Oh Hello there!" He looked up. A staircase was set into the side of the tree and a violet furred Unicorn was clopping down the stairs, smiling at the Stallion. She had a dark purple mane with a pink stripe running through it. A purple star with several white stars was emblazoned on her flank and her violet eyes were bright with interest as the Mare took in his appearance. "My name is Twilight-Sparkle." the Mare said politely. "I haven't seen you before...are you new in town?" The Stallion stared at her. "erm..." Twilight frowned, a little put off by the silence. "Erm...are you looking for something in particular?" The Stallion continued to stare at the Unicorn, his eyes never leaving hers. "Hello?" Asked the mare, looking a little scared now. She finished coming down the stairs and moved a little closer, waving a purple hoof in front of the Stallions eyes. "You're not feeling sick are you sir?" The Stallion blinked, watching the purple hoof wave in front of his snout. "Okay...." The Unicorn in front of him said calmly. "I think you need some help. Why don't I..."    

"Douche-Bag." The voice was soft, almost dark-velvet. Twilight-Sparkle blinked. The Stallion raised a hoof, tapping his barrel and giving the Mare a soft, if rather vague smile. "My name...is Douche-Bag. Douche-Bag the mage."  
> Chapter one
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Several weeks before: South Park

The Kingdom of Kuppa Keep was going through a day of relative comfort. Cartman sighed to himself as he sat inside the main fortress. Well, his ego liked to call it a fortress. In reality, the kingdom was just a sandpit, a large inflatable pool of water and a tent, dressed up with several cardboard turrets and walls. Cartman smiled to himself, his imagination taking him away to the Kingdom that he had created for this RPG game. A majestic kingdom of utter coolness, with himself as the grand Wizard, ruler of the kingdom and coolest magic user in all the land. But then he was pulled back as a chilly breeze rippled through the open entrance of the tent. Cartman growled in annoyance, pulling the cloak of his wizards robes tight around his pudgy body. Despite being a "big dumb wizard fat-ass," as his friend, the evil Jew elf king Kyle called him, the chilly winds of the quiet mountain still cut through his costume, chilling his body to the bone. The so called, Wizard-King sighed, leaning back in his squashy throne, a dilapidated old armchair and closed his eyes, the large, pointed hat he wore slipping down over his eyes. Thoughts drifted through his mind as the lazy kid began to doze. The game that he and his friends had come up had taken such a strange turn in the last few weeks. They'd been invaded by zombies, destroyed their school and almost caused a war with the united states government. 

And it was all since...Cartman settled a little comfortably into his throne. The New Kid. Douche-Bag, as they'd named him, had only just arrived in South Park a few weeks ago...that was when all this strange shit had happened. Up until the New Kids arrival, the game the Kids of south park had been just a simple roll-playing game. But then he'd arrived and the shit had hit the fan. Nazi Zombies, Alien goo that infected people and even a random encounter with Morgan Freeman. It wasn't like Cartman to think to deeply about the weird shit that often happened around South Park. Satan himself had risen from the ground with Saddam Hussein as his loving partner and Cartman had not batted an eyelid. He'd thought that shit was awesome! But now here he was, dozing like the big lazy ass he was, thinking about the New Kid. Cartman snorted to himself. He being stupid. Like usual, Cartman would just chalk it all up to living in a weird shithole of a town. Cartman sighed to himself, pulling his hat down a little harder over his eyes. It was at times like this that Cartman missed the days of action. When they'd started this game, both fictional factions, the elves and the Humans had been locked in a never ending battle for the sacred Relic, known as the Stick of Truth. Then the New Kid had arrived, a whole lot of shit had happened and both sides had almost been destroyed in the conflict.

But all that was over now. Both sides had vanquished the betrayed, Clyde and were now in peace talks. This was Cartman described as the "Boring-Ass side of the game." There were still some skirmishes but most of the action that had made the game so fun was now stopping. Cartman sighed, longing for a bucket of crispy fried chicken, or at least something from City-Wok, the local Restaurant. He was hungry. What was it his asshole friends said? He was always hungry like a pig. Cartman sighed, reaching over the side of the Armchair and rifling round the small open chest, cluttered with a large array of objects. Final finding what he had been halfheartedly searching for, Cartman pulled out a large packet of Cheese Munchies. Hopefully, the food would tide him over until he could go and procure some extra provisions for himself to enjoy....

"GRAND-WIZARD!" Yelled a loud voice. Shit. Cartman stuffed the Munchies out of sight, sitting up a little straighter and eyeing the entrance. A guard had stuck his head inside. "Ambassador Douche-Bag has returned from his mission to the Elvin Forests." The guard exclaimed. Outside, Cartman could hear his warriors give the New Kid a warm welcoming cheer. He nodded, settling himself back with one leg over the arm of the armchair. Understanding, the guard withdrew. Cartman heard him speak a few quiet words...and then Douche-Bag entered. Cartman examined the boy standing in front of him. Douche-Bag had come a long way from when Cartman had first met him. The boy had short silvery-blue hair, kept out of the boys eyes by a blue headband. A swishing, turquoise blue robe covered the light armor across Douche-Bags chest. The Boy was carrying a staff, similar to Cartmans' but with a rounded tip like a cradle, with a clear bulb of glass. What had once a simple mage, Cartman found himself musing, had now turned into a mighty warrior. Possibly even as cool as Cartman himself. He smiled a cocky smile at the New Kid.

"Ah our esteemed champion." Like always, Cartmans voice sounded like it was both mocking the new kid whilst expressing his own importance. "What have the elves to say for themselves?" Douche-Bag blinked but did not respond. Instead, the new kid delved into the small knapsack that he had been carrying and withdrew a small, grubby role of fake parchment and handed it to Cartman. Rolling it open, the chubbier kid read the few lines of text and snorted. "Ha! Those foolish peons think we will surrender mister slaves road. What are those Douche's thinking?" Douche-Bag blinked but did not respond. Cartman had come to expect the slightly chilling silence from the new kid. Indeed, Cartman had only ever heard the other boy speak once. And even then he had been a dick about it. Cartman gave a flourish of his robe, produced another role of fake parchment and began to write. "I shall  show the Jew Elf King, that even though we are allies that he cannot be such a douche about territory and expect to get away with..."

BOOM!

Cartman felt his world shake and parts of his throne room fell apart, falling to the floor with a clatter. Picking his staff up from the ground Cartman rushed outside, joined by Douche-Bag who was hot on his heels. Outside, a scene of total devastation greeted them. The Water pool, the pool of vision had been overturned and popped, with water soaking the grass. Part of the turrets had been smashed and a large area in the middle of Cartmans backyard had been scorched. Several other children, his friends and warriors lay there, groaning and rolling around, trying to recover. And in the center of it all, stood a woman. She was tall and slender, with waist length dark blue hair and cold eyes that were almost black. Slim armor covering her chest and legs glinted in the mid morning sun. The armor rippled as the many plates that made it up, moved with the woman's movements. To complete this strange vision, the woman was carrying a long golden staff, with the top end tapering to a golden cobra with two rubies instead of eyes. She surveyed the damage she had caused, before turning to face Cartman and Douche-Bag, her eyes narrowed. One of her slim hands came up, to point at Cartman. 

"The Stick of truth. Where is it you little brat?" The voice coming out of the woman's mouth was a dark velvet and double mocha, rich. Cartman, too busy staring at the the jugs she was sporting, did not answer until Douche-Bag poked him hard on the back of the head with his staff. "Answer me you fat little fool." the Woman said coldly. Cartmans ears perked at the word Fat. He growled, hoisting his own staff, his hands sparking with electricity. Under normal circumstances, the faulty anti-swear chip that had been implanted in Cartman would've activated, letting him throw blots of energy, shocking  and even burning his opponents. But these were not normal circumstances. The woman smiled as Cartman stepped forward, raising her own staff, the snakes jeweled eyes beginning to glow with a fiery red light  . 

"What're you sayin' Bitch!" The boy yelled. "You tryin' to fuck with the Wizard King?" The woman's smile widened. Cartman growled, thrusting his hand out. "Respect my Authoritay!" He yelled. Cartman didn't have a chance to get any further. A bolt of reddish black lightning flew from the snake staffs mouth and crashed into Cartman. His staff shriveled, burned to a crisp in a matter of seconds and Cartman was hurled backwards. The boy, carried by his own bulk and the bolt of energy smashed into the main tent of Kuppa Keep. The fabric tent collapsed, trapping the unconscious boy under many lengths of fabric. Douche-Bag stood, staring at the pile of debris that his friend lay under. He turned to the dark woman, raising his own staff. At the same time the boy produced a small stick of dynamite from his satchel. The woman smirked widely, twirling her staff. 

"You will tell me where you have hidden the Stick of Truth. It is vital to my mission you know." Douche-Bag stood there, his neutral expression unchanged. The woman frowned. "What is this?" she murmured. "Such a strong, young mage...You could be a threat or an ally. Let us see shall we?" The Woman produced a small figurine. A small horse, painted a violet shade. She smiled tossing the figurine to the floor. "Equestria Bitch!" she yelled. A storm of violet energy exploded outwards, engulfing Douche-Bag. The boy was gone, lost in the swirl of purple energy, his staff and stick of dynamite falling to the ground and then being blown away. After a few minutes, the smoke dissipated. Douche-Bag was gone.



  

Equestria

Twilight Sparkle watched in amazement as Douche-Bag stared around at the many books surrounding him. The Unicorn had watched as Douche-Bag had wandered around the library, pulling out books at random before the Earth pony had finally selected a book, entitled: "Ancient Artifacts in Equestria." The Earth pony had settled himself on the nearby desk, ignoring all attempts made by the Unicorn to help him pick out a book and had been reading for the past couple of minutes. Now, after seemingly growing more and more bored by the book, Douche-Bag was now staring around at the rest of the books. Twilight, growing increasingly annoyed by the Earth Pony's continued silence  final placed her hoof down upon the wooden desk with a loud thumping noise. 

"Excuse me but what are you trying to do here?!" She asked hotly. The other pony simply stared at her, his vague expression never leaving. Twilight felt her temper spike. "Would you please talk to me?! Has something happened to you that you don't want to talk about? Because it's very rude to just stare at... "

"PHRAAAAAP!" Twilight stopped as the loud noise echoed around her. The noise was a wet, exclamation of sound, that seemed to reverberate through the walls and bounce of the floors. Twilight frowned, then recoiled as what looked like a small, foul smelling green cloud floated up from behind the silent stallion and floated towards the door. It stank. Twilight tried to hold her nose as the green cloud, trailing a small green trail floated towards the door. The moment the ball of green smoke hit the door, it exploded with another wet noise.

"EURGH WHAT THE BUCK IS THIS?!" Shrieked a voice from outside. "A SNEAKY SQUEAKER OR SOMETHING?!"
> Chapter 2
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	"EURGH! WHAT THE BUCK IS THAT?! A SNEAKY SQUEAKER?!" Screamed the voice. Twilight stopped dead as the green cloud Douche-Bag had somehow conjured exploded with a wet sound, blowing open the door and covering the white Unicorn standing outside the door in foul smelling gas. "ARGH! My eyes!" howled the Unicorn, scrabbling against the floor where he'd been thrown, tears streaming from under his hooves. Douche-Bag watched as Twilight ran over, not moving from his perch. He watched the Violet unicorn move in beside the howling stallion wiggling about on the floor. His expression didn't change from its normal vagueness but Douche-Bags eyes tracked the swirls of foul green vapor as they dissipated. His Sneaky-Squeaker, a concentrated ball of gas, a fart in layman's terms, was far stronger here than it had been in South-Park. It had mainly served as a distraction in most cases, a simple noise to draw the attention of any dimwitted soldier or opponent. The Human turned pony had never managed to pull off an offensive move involving the Sneaky-Squeaker. But then again...Douche-bag watched Twilight Sparkle pull the White Unicorn inside, trying to help him wipe his streaming eyes.

The Unicorn he had gassed had Bright white fur  and a short, though stylish, Navy blue mane which matched his bright Blue eyes. Though these eyes were rather comically bloodshot and streaming with tears at the moment, Douche-Bag could see the confidence and strength in them. As Twilight Sparkle conjured a cloth with a poof of Violet smoke, Douche-Bag got a look at the symbol imprinted on the Stallions flank. A stylish shield in a shade of dark blue with a pinkish purple star. Douche-Bag, under normal circumstance would've thought that the strange image was a tattoo. But these were not normal circumstances. He'd heard Ponies talking about "Cutie Marks." The silent stallion had deduced these strange images on the ponies flanks were the subject in question. The Silent Stallion's thoughts were interrupted as Twilight plonked the gassed Stallion down upon a spare chair. He was glaring at Douche-Bag, trying hard to smooth his windblown mane. Douche-Bag simply sat there, his vague expression unmoved by the Stallions pain. This silence seemed to annoy the new Stallion as he suddenly punched his hoof down upon the desk, making the small pile of old books jump a few inches into the air.

"Who are you?" Demanded the Unicorn. He had a confident, easy going voice, which seemed to carry through the air with a clear tone. The words expressed the Stallions confidence and no nonsense attitude. Douche-Bag simply stared at him. The Stallion bared his teeth. "Twily, who is this...stinky Stallion." He had turned to Twilight Sparkle, who had been hovering beside the pair of stallions, a nervous look on her face. Twiliy? Even Douche-Bags typical vague look flickered slightly at the silliness of the name. "Well?" Demanded the White Unicorn, Twilight's silence clearly making his attitude problem worse. 

"His...He said his name was Douche-Bag." She said. The White Unicorn frowned but before he could interrupt, Twilight held up a hoof. "Yes, I know. It's a strange name but he won't say anything else." Twilight turned her head to look at Douche-Bag. "Besides the...gas cloud whatever it was," the mare wrinkled her nose, "All this pony has done is sit here, stare around and read books." Twilight jerked suddenly, like she'd received an electric shock. "And while we're on the subject." she said turning a stern look upon Douche-Bag. "I don't appreciate you sitting down, ignoring me AND attacking my Brother like that!" Douche-Bag tilted his head, staring past Twilight at the Stallion behind her, who had finally managed to wipe his eyes clean of the Sneaky-Squeaker remnants. "Yes that is my Brother, Shining Armor." Twilight said coldly. "For that matter," she added,, turning to Shining Armor with a confused look. "Why are you here Shining? Not that I'm not pleased to see you but what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be back at Canterlot?" Shining Armor shook his head, putting down the dirty rag. 

"Celestia sent me to collect you Twily." he said. "Her Majesty has unearthed something of magical value. Apparently it was something the Princess wanted to show you." He turned to Douche-Bag, who had been watching silently. "And don't worry about that...Gas Cloud move you pulled." He smiled. "I should've knocked on the door instead of just staring through the  little peephole." The White furred Unicorn stuck his hoof out. "As Twilight just said, my name is Shining Armor, Captain of the Equestrian royal guard." Douche-Bag raised his own hoof and bumped it against Shining's. Apparently satisfied, Shining withdrew his hoof, turning his attention to Douche-Bags clothes, bow and arrow. "I noticed that Bow you're carrying. Are you some kind of Mercenary?" Twilight leaned in suddenly, whispering into Shining Armor's ear. The White Unicorn frowned. "Twilight tells me you're a mage." His eyes flickered toward the headband around Douche-Bags head. "But how can that be? You're not a Unicorn, nor do you hold any magical items that I can see." Douche-Bag stared at them. "OK...." Shining armor said after a few seconds of silence. "Twilight." he turned back to the Unicorn next to him. "Would you mind packing your bags? Spike is still in Canterlot on official business so we can see to it he meets you." Twilight frowned, turning to look at Douche-Bag.

"What about him? Or my friends for that matter, I can't just..." But she stopped as Shining Armor held up a hoof. He was staring at Douche-Bag who had flipped open the book on magical Artifacts in Equestria. The Earth pony had frozen. Moving around the table, Shining armor and Twilight frowned. The page Douche-Bag had landed on was depicting a short length of gold, with several jewels set along the length. "What have you found Douche-Bag?" asked Twilight confusedly. Shining Armor gasped. "What?" Asked Twilight confusedly. Shining Armor's hoof came down to point at the top of the page. Emboldened with golden threads drawn onto the parchment was the title: The Stick of Truth. "Is that something of interest to you Douche-Bag?" asked Twilight. Shining Armor pulled her aside, leaving the Earth Pony staring at the book. "What's wrong Shiney?" asked Twilight. Shining Armor made sure that the door was closed on Douche-Bag before he turned to Twilight. 

"Twilight." The Violet Unicorn blinked. It had been a long time since Twilight had heard her brother use her full name instead of his nickname for her. "That's the same artifact Princess Celestia wanted you to see." Twilight blinked. "This can't be a coincidence." Shining Armor nodded at the other room. Douche-Bag had now dragged his gaze away from the book and was now looking towards their hiding place. His expression of neutrality had not changed in the slightest. Shining Armor nodded towards the Earth Pony. "I won't deny there is something likable about this....this Douche-Bag but it can't be random chance that he shows up in Ponyville and finds a book about the same artifact that the Princess finds the very same week." Twilight nodded. "Would you mind bringing along this guy?" Suddenly, Shining Armor grinned. "Maybe I can get this stallion to do that Sneaky-Squeaker technique on some of my more rowdy recruits." Twilight nodded, then jumped, letting out a loud squeal of alarm as she pushed open the door again to find Douche-Bag standing outside the door. The Stallion had obviously moved silently closer to the door and had been listening in on the two Unicorns. Shining Armor, less susceptible to unexpected surprises, blinked at the robed stallion as his vague blue eyes swiveled between them. "I'm guessing you heard all that huh?" asked the Unicorn, looking a little embarrassed. Douche-Bag nodded. Twilight, also blushing, hurried to correct her embarrassing shriek.

"W-W-Well...M-Mister Douche-Bag, would you like to accompany my brother and I to Canterlot. Judging from your reaction, it's clear you want to see this Artifact yourself and," Twilight put on a smile. "I'd really like to introduce to my mentor. The Princess Celestia herself. Would you like that?" Douche-Bag's head tilted for a second. Then he nodded. Twilight and Shining Armor turned to each other, smiling. "Well then." Twilight said, moving past Douche-Bag and walking over to the stairs. "I'll get some things together. The train journey should take a couple of hours." she smiled back at the pair of Stallions. "Maybe we can get you out  of that shell you have Douche-Bag."





Canterlot Castle

Princess Celestia sighed to herself as she handed back another report to one of the many, lab coat wearing ponies that were sitting inside her throne room. The Alicorn, for all her legendary patience, was bored. She'd been sitting on the throne, surrounded by these bookish, artifact obsessed ponies for the past four hours, reading report after report after report. The Princess dearly wished for a large slice of cake or some other sugary treat. Something to calm her waning patience. Celestia sighed, readjusting herself so her royal backside did not ache as much as it had before. The Alicorn hurt from the tips of her golden plated hooves to the end of her long horn. Celestia gritted her teeth, sure that her pristine white fur was bristling with her need to escape the hall, full of specialized tools, stacks of parchment and quills. It was only reminding herself that she had a reputation to uphold that was keeping her from tearing out of the large hall and running to the castles kitchen, demanding that the head cook make her a three tier cake. With lots of icing and chocolate. The Alicorn grinned. The papers would have a field day with that story if they found out she'd been caught pigging out on cakes...Again. Celestia sighed, resigning herself to the fact that she would have to remain here, with these ponies and hold out hope that one of the cooks would be around to make her a cake. 

Then Again, the Artifact in front of her was admittedly quite intriguing. As custodian of the castle of Canterlot, Celestia had seen fit to search through the vaults of Canterlot. The vaults were a myriad of chambers, stored with many boxes and crates. In a fit of intrigue, Celestia had ordered a search of the many boxes and vaults. The search party had returned with the Artifact. It was a large rod of golden metal, various jewels set along its length. The rod tapered to a cradle, in which a red oval gem was sitting. Celestia stared at the object, housed in a small glass cabinet upon a soft velvet cushion. Celestia's team of specialists had confirmed that the object was made of specialized gold and had many rare jewels. There was definitely something magical about the odd object. It must've had something magical or some form of power for it to have been locked inside the Canterlot Vaults...but they had absolutely no idea what the hay it was. Many of the team had gawked at the object when it had been revealed. But none of them knew what it was. That was what made the assembled ponies so nervous. From the return of Nightmare Moon, the dark side of Celestia's sister, Princess Luna to the invasion of a Changling swarm bent on devouring the whole city, the ponies had every right to be nervous about something like this. Celestia just wished some-pony would come up with something...anything.

"Princess?" Celestia jumped as the soft voice sounded beside her. Looking down, the Alicorn saw that one of her royal guards was standing beside her. Covered from head to hoof in golden armor, with a specialized hole for the guards horn, the pony cut an imposing figure. But that was their job after all. The guard was levitating a small scroll, tied with a small red ribbon. "A message has been sent from Ponyville your majesty." the Guard said, bowing and floating the scroll over to the Princess. "It is a report from Captain Shining Armor." Celestia smiled, taking the scroll from the guard with a nod of thanks  and unrolling it.

"Dear Princess Celestia. I hope this report finds you well. My mission to Ponyville has been a success. My sister, Twilight Sparkle will be arriving with myself by the end of the day. However," Celestia's eyes narrowed. She didn't like however's. "It is with some surprise that I must inform you of the second guest that I will be bringing to the castle. A Stallion by the name of Douche-Bag has arrived at Twilight's library. He claims to be looking for the same artifact that your science teams have unearthed. As I feel that this is more than a coincidence, I will be bringing this Stallion to you. Your faithful captain, Shining Armor." Celestia lowered the parchment. A pony by the name of Douche-Bag? She'd heard some strange names in her time as ruler but...Douche-Bag? She sighed, making her decision. She looked over the side of her throne. One of the two guards that she always had stationed there looked up at her, smiling to mirror Celestia's. 

"Would you please send someone to inform my sister of these developments sir guard?" she asked handing him the note. The Guard saluted and galloped out of the throne room. Celestia leaned back against her throne, eyeing the strange golden rod once more. She sometimes wondered why such strange things kept happening to her country. But she supposed being the ruler of a magical land like Equestria did come with some prices. "Is this all because of you?" she asked. But the Golden rod in front of her remained as it was, lying innocently upon its velvet cushion.





Twilight Sparkle sighed in annoyance as she sat in the first class train car that Shining Armor had managed to snag for the three of them. Since Shining had sent the report of his progress to the Princess, all three, Douche-Bag, Shining and herself, had made their way to the train station. And Douche-Bag had not spoken a single word. All through the town, Twilight had tried to describe her favorite places, like the quill and sofa warehouse to the local book shop, in a vain attempt to get the silent Earth Pony to say something. All that had greeted her however was silence. And she was starting to get annoyed with it. It was like sitting with a pile of bricks. It didn't help that Shining Armor had left the carriage the moment they had started their journey, seeking the refreshment trolley that often rolled through each carriage. The violet Unicorn hoped that she wouldn't have to spend the next few hours sitting in complete silence with this strange, robe wearing stallion of silence. Normally liked the quiet of silence when studying but with a strange new pony sitting in front of her, Twilight's urge to learn new things was beginning to get to her. Twilight eyed the Stallion sitting across from her. Douche-Bag was staring out of the window, watching the foliage pass by.     

"You know..." she began thoughtfully. Douche-Bag turned to look at her. "I don't think I've ever seen a robe like yours before, nor have I known any Unicorn to wear one like that." Silence. Twilight sighed and Douche-Bag returned his gaze to the outside scenery. "Do you ever talk?" Asked Twilight. Silence greeted her. She sighed, pulling a book from her saddle-bag and flipping it open. "You seemed very interested in that Artifact that my brother is taking us to see." she pressed, peeking at the Stallion from over the top of her book. Douche-Bag's head tilted so that one of his cold eyes was looking at her. "I'm guessing it's something important?" she asked. Douche-Bags expression didn't change. Instead, all Twilight succeeded in doing was causing the robed Stallion's head to return to its original position. Twilight gave a great huff of annoyance.

"You won't gt anything out of him Twily." Shining Armor had returned to the cabin, a small tray with two cups of tea and a plate of biscuits floating in the air beside him. Setting down the tray next to Twilight, the White stallion settled himself beside her. "We've been trying to get him to talk for the best part of an hour now and nothing." Twilight sighed, taking one of the cups in her own violet magic and drinking from it.

"I know that Shiny but if we can't get him to talk then how in Equestria will we be able to find out what he wants?" She moaned, casting a despairing look at her brother. "He can't just continue with silence and vague looks. Even I can't go five minutes without talking to myself." Shining nodded, a sympathetic look on his face. "I mean," Twilight continued, throwing down her book in frustration. "Doesn't it seem weird to you that all he does is stare or...?"

"Twilight, I know." He said soothingly. "But we can't pressure him into speaking." He grinned crookedly at Twilight's incredulous look. "Yeah alright. I may have a tendency to be a bit reckless during my duties but I do understand the importance of patience." He gave Twilight a cheeky wink.  "Being married has a tendency to make you grow up a bit...even if you don't want to." Twilight giggled. "C'mon." said Shining Armor, picking up the teapot and drawing his sister a fresh cup. "Tell me all about what you've been up too. It's been a while since the wedding." Twilight smiled, settling next to her brother and beginning what would hopefully fill the silence for the next few hours, whilst their silent companion stared out at the scenery, his thoughts fixed on the artifact waiting for him in Canterlot. 
> chapter 3 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"Douche-Bag? Douche-Bag, we're here." said a soft voice. Douche-Bag's eyes blinked open. A purple blob was dancing in front of his blurry vision. That purple blob morphed as Douche-Bag blinked away his tiredness, elongating into the familiar face of Twilight Sparkle. The Unicorn smiled, withdrawing the hoof that she had been using to shake Douche-Bag awake. "We've arrived Douche-Bag." The earth pony nodded, turning his head to look outside the train window. Steam was rising past the window, obscuring most of the outside imagery but Douche-Bag was able to make out the train platform, several ponies, some in stylish outfits others in porter uniforms, moving about, getting on and off the train.  He must've fallen asleep at some point during the ride to the Canterlot. "You'd better hurry Douche-Bag," the Unicorn in front of him joked, moving back to her seat to collect the small pile of books that she'd brought and stuffing them inside her saddlebags. "You don't want the train to go with you still on it." Douche-Bag nodded, jumping down from the seat and stretching. Pain lanced up and down his body as his stiff muscles slowly un-knotted themselves. The Earth pony figured he must've been sleeping for hours to be this stiff and stretched out a little harder, his backside rising a few inches into the air .

PHRAAAPH!

Twilight turned to look at the Earth pony, an expression of disgust on her face, "You know Douche-Bag," she said, trying to hold her nose with one hoof and swing the saddle bags onto her back with the other. "That's disgusting." Douche-Bag stared at her, unmoved by the fart he had just loosed. To him, the fart was just an easier way to release pent up gasses. It was, the Earth Pony thought, a much better way to get rid of it than farting in someones face, as Cartman would've done.  Twilight glared at her silent companion. "Come on Douche-Bag." said the Unicorn, moving as fast as she could out of the carriage. "We better catch up with my brother. Shining said he was going to see if the escort was here." Douche-Bag nodded and hurried to catch up with her, shutting the door behind him. Twilight gave a pained smile as the Earth Pony caught up with her. The violet Unicorn felt truly sorry for the next occupants of that train carriage. Green vapor was still pressing against the glass door. 



 

 The hooded pony watched as the small circle of golden armored ponies surrounded his enemy. Douche-Bag had arrived, just as his new soldier had predicted. The stallion couldn't hold back a smile as some of the royal guards moved in and surrounded the Earth pony he had come to hate. He had to repress a laugh as the guards cuffed Douche-Bag. That image had been his sole source of entertainment for the last few months. Since Douche-Bag and that fat-ass wizard had tossed him from the top of his tower. All because he wanted to use Nazi Zombies to kill the earth. It was so unfair. The hooded eyes tracked the party of guards escorted Douche-Bag through the town, the Violet Unicorn with him complaining the whole way. Soon he'd make Douche-Bag pay. He'd make him pay for getting him kicked out of Kuppa Keep. He'd make him pay for destroying his army and humiliating him. From under the hood of his new cloak, the stallion smiled evilly. He may not have an army of Nazi Zombies anymore. He may not be the dark lord anymore. But he would still rule all of Equestria. All he needed was a new dark tower and a new dark lords outfit.  





"Captain Shining Armor!" Said the grey Stallion standing to attention as Twilight, Shining and Douche-Bag stepped down off the train. "Princess Celestia sent us to escort you and your guests to the castle." Whilst Shining dealt with the escorts, Douche-Bag looked around. From what he could see, Canterlot was composed of tall, elegant buildings, with many ornate attachments such as large banisters, balconies and other swanky attachments. Several ponies wandered about throughout the city scape. From what Douche-Bag could see, many of the ponies milling about were dressed in finery, mainly expertly designed suits and dresses. Douche-Bag noticed that, despite Twilight's assurances that the ponies of Canterlot were friendly, the expressions on many faces he saw looked more akin too...stuck-up asshole. Incredibly stuck-up asshole. Most ponies that past him seemed to stick their noses high into the air and sniff, as though they could smell something different about him. That wasn't surprising however as he had just let loose a practice Dragonshout a few minutes ago. "Excuse me sir?" said a voice. Douche-Bag blinked. The guard from before was standing in front of him. The golden armored Pegasus was holding up what looked like a pair of silver circlets, connected by a chain. "Per orders of the Princess, we need to restrain you. Please hold still while I place these hoof-cuffs on." Twilight and Shining Armor turned, expressions of surprise on their faces. Douche-Bag simply stood there silently. 

"What's this about lieutenant?" Demanded Shining Armor, taking a step forward. "I wrote in my report that Douche-Bag was coming with us, not that he should be arrested." The guard turned to him, an uncomfortable. Shining Armor was credited as being a fair and competent commander and his forces generally disliked disobeying or fighting with him. "C'mon lieutenant, out with it!" Barked Shining, taking another step forward angrily.

"Pardon us Captain but the order isn't from Princess Celestia." the guard stammered. Shining stopped, surprise spreading across his face. "It came from Princess Luna." the guard continued, taking his Captains silence as a cue to continue. "She claimed that the Stallion known as Douche-Bag was to be taken directly to her as soon as he arrived." Twilight stepped in front of Douche-Bag, preventing the guard from cuffing the silent stallion. She was angry.

"Douche-Bag has done nothing wrong!" she said angrily. "He hasn't been to Canterlot before...have you?" she asked, throwing a look at Douche-Bag. The Earth Pony simply stared at her. "Well...as far as we know, he hasn't done anything wrong, nor has he been to this city before!" Complained Twilight. Before the guard could respond, Twilight took another step forward, pushing her snout right into the Stallions face. "Let me talk to Princess Luna. I'm sure we can do something to sort this..." Shining Armor moved in and placed a hoof on his irate sisters shoulder. Twilight turned her head, looking up angrily at her brothers sympathetic look. She knew what was coming. A big Brothers lecture. Shining Armor would always do this when she was being to aggressive. It was his secret weapon. Shining knew exactly how to calm down Twilight in whatever had annoyed her. 

"Twily, you know that if Princess Luna wants something, she'll get it regardless of consequences." Twilight glared at her brother, opening her mouth to retort. "Twilight!" The Violet unicorn opened her mouth again...then closed it again at the look on her brothers face. She sighed. Shining always knew what was best. She lowered her head, feeling guilty at shouting at the guard. Shining looked over towards Douche-Bag. "Douche-Bag, I'm sorry about this." he said, moving over to pat the silent Stallion on the shoulder. "I honestly don't know what this is all about but we'll get it sorted out. We'll get you out of this bro." he held his hoof out. Douche-Bag, silent expression unwavering, bumped the hoof  offered to him. The guard, looking incredibly awkward, cuffed Douche-Bag and, with several other guards, led the silent Earth Pony away. Twilight watched them go, a worried look on her face. "Hey don't worry little sister." Shining said, wrapping a leg around her. "He's in good hooves." Then the Stallion grinned. "I just hope he doesn't use that Sneaky-Squeaker on any of my guards. Farts are something they aren't trained for."



   

The guards surrounding Douche-Bag were all silent as they led him towards the giant, elegant looking castle that seemed to sprout of nowhere. It was all turrets and battlements, great drawbridges and white marble. The sort of thing Kyle might've found tacky but what Cartman might've called: "fuckin awesome brah!" Douche-Bag kept his usual silence however, contemplating the situation he was in. Two guards were positioned on both sides of him, with another in front. All were silent, partly because of their professional attitude and partly because Douche-Bag's vague silences had driven out all possibility of conversation. Douche-Bag had considered using a Dragonshout or cupping-a-spell at his captors but with hands, cupping-spells was useless. Dragon-shouting wouldn't do any good since his position meant that the angle would've resulted in the green vapor going mostly underneath the Stallions around him. Since Douche-Bag had taken the gentleman's oath, that being to never fart on some-pony's balls, he was pretty much stuck. And so the guards led him on in silence, occasionally conversing with each other in low whispers, until finally they arrived at the castle. The drawbridge entrance lowered and Douche-Bag was led inside.

The Castle was just as elegant inside as it was outside. Statues and other antiques lined the walls on marble plinths. Several stained glass windows lined the walls, each depicting ponies in various potions, some heroic, others simple. The guards walked Douche-Bag down several of these hallways until they came to a door, painted midnight blue. A silver moon was emblazoned on the door. The guard leading Douche-Bags escort knocked gently on the door and without waiting for an answer, led Douche-Bag inside. The Inside was dark, with several navy blue hangings surrounding a circular table, with several plush cushions instead of seats. The guards seated Douche-Bag upon one of the cushions and left, leaving the hoof-cuffs on. The door closed, leaving Douche-Bag alone to stare around at the room. Like the table the room was circular, with a darker, midnight blue look about it. The blue was darker than most of the castle, without the slightest sign of marble. Even the floor was covered in a dark rug. Looking up, Douche-Bag could see that instead of a marble ceiling the night sky seemed to have been brought down to light the room, complete with several twinkling stars and a thick, shining moon. 

"I see thou is enjoying my replica of our fair night sky." Douche-Bag turned his head. A pony was standing in front of the table, setting a small tray with a steaming teapot, two delicate china cups and a large bowl of sugar cubes. Unlike the ponies he'd spoken to in the past, Douche-Bag saw that this new arrival had both wings and a horn. What had Twilight called them...an Alicorn. This Alicorn had midnight blue fur and eyes, wearing a set of what appeared to be black armor, covering her chest and hooves. A black and blue crown was perched just above the Alicorns horn. This, he guessed was Princess Luna. "You are the stallion known as Douche-Bag?" demanded the Princess, pouring herself some of the tea. Douche-Bag simply sat there. One of the Princess's eyes twitched. "You are an enigma Douche-Bag. And yet I cannot deny that there is something...likable about you." The Princess smiled, pushing the tea towards Douche-Bag. "Expressing gas like you did...would've cast a cloud on your arrival and yet even the Fair, Sir Shining Armor has taken a liking to you." Douche-Bag stared at her, silent as ever. The Princess faltered. "I...that is to say...my sister and I...are curious to see these special gifts of yours Douche-Bag, if you would be so kind?" The Stallion stared at her. "We...are also interested...in your title." stammered the Princess. "You call yourself a mage yet there is no horn upon thou's head." 

Douche-Bag stared at the flustered Alicorn, ignoring the cup of tea. A question had floated to the forefront of his mind. He'd only just arrived in Equestria yet this Alicorn seemed to know him inside and out. He stared into the blue eyes, searching for something that he could use to build a profile. With a profile, he could find a weak spot. A giggle stopped his thoughts. Luna was looking at him and smiling widely. The Princess stood up from behind the table and moved round to stand next to him. A soft bluish glow surrounded the Princess's horn and, with a snap, the hoof cuffs sprang open,clattering to the soft rug. The Princess turned and walked to the door, pushing it open with her blue magic. The Alicorn turned to look at the silent stallion with a glint in her eyes. 

"Would you walk me Douche-Bag?"



 

The moment Twilight-Sparkle entered the throne room of Princess Celestia, the first thing she did was greet her mentor with a bow, an affectionate nuzzle and demand that Celestia explain why Douche-Bag had been led to the castle in chains. Celestia blinked in confusion. Her sister, whilst being a little bit younger than her, had not been one to act irrationally. Sure the Alicorn responsible for raising the moon was still prone to, what Celestia called, foalish outbursts. But this was surprise. In all the years that she'd known Luna, Celestia had never seen her have a prisoner brought to her alone without consulting Celestia. It was even stranger that both her sister and this strange Douche-Bag seemed to have vanished into thin air.

"I'm sorry Twilight." The white furred Alicorn sighed, watching her faithful student pace from one end of the throne room to the other and back again. "But I've learned from experience that if my sister does not want to be found then she will not be." Twilight sighed in obvious discomfort, shuffling from one leg to the other. "If I could offer some form of explanation for my sisters actions then believe me I would." Twilight turned to look up at her Mentor. "We will just have to be patient and see what developments occur." Twilight sighed,resuming her pacing.

"But what if...What if...I don't know!" The frantic Unicorn yelled, throwing up her hooves. "I'm just a little bit worried about him." said Twilight, lowering her head. "He is my friend after all." Twilight sighed, plopping herself down on the cold marble next to the steps leading to her mentors throne. She couldn't get the silent stallion out of her mind. It was strange considering she'd only met him that morning and yet she still considered him a friend. Twilight was normally a more cautious pony when it came to friends. She'd met enough creature that could fake being friendly.  The silence was broken as the large double doors at the end of the throne room began to open, sending loud creaking noises through the large room.

"Worry not sister!" said a cheerful voice as Princess Luna strode into the room, Douche-Bag right behind her. "I have brought our silent guest."      . ,       
> chapter 4
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"So this is the stallion of silence?" Celestia asked eyeing the stallion Luna had led into the throne room. Her first thought was: "My word, he is handsome." Then the Princess quickly took control of herself. Trying hard not to focus to much on the calm look Douche-Bag wore, along with his soft, navy blue coat...Celestia shook herself. "What is wrong with me?" she thought angrily. "I'm acting like a filly that's going out on her first date." Clearing her throat, the Princess looked down from her position at the massive dining table. Celestia, having been a practitioner of diplomatic pleasantries for many years, Celestia knew that discussing business was much easier when being discussed over food and tea. Now she sipped from her cup of tea, watching as Douche-Bag stared around at the large, stained glass windows, ignoring the cup of tea and slice of cake in front of him. Her sister, the Princess Luna, was seated close to her. She had done nothing but stare at Douche-Bag since leading him to the dining room. Celestia made a mental note to ask her sister exactly what she wanted with this strange stallion, just in case it was something that involved the safety of Equestria. Twilight-Sparkle,  who had been sitting next to Douche-bag, looking rather irked at the Stallions continued silence, cleared her throat and nodded.

"Y-Yes Princess." She stammered. "Yes, this is Douche-Bag." she tapped the Earth Pony beside her. "He was interested in that Artifact that the Archaeological team unearthed earlier, weren't you?" she asked, turning to look at Douche-Bag. The Earth Pony blinked at her. Twilight gave an annoyed huff, turning her head to look at her mentor. "As you've seen...he doesn't like to talk." Right at that moment, Luna let out a soft, girlish giggle. Every-pony looked at her. The Night Alicorn blushed rather thickly and lowered her head, concentrating on demolishing the slice of cake before her. "Princess Luna?" asked Twilight tentatively. The Alicorn of the night made a non-committal sound and began to eat the cake in front of her at a pace that several of the servants in the castle would've called, a rather undignified way for a princess to act. After watching this little spectacle, Twilight turned back to Celestia, a quizzical look on her face. "Princess, I have a question." Celestia titled her head with a soft smile, a move that Twilight knew was Celestia's silent way of giving her permission to go on. "Why did you invite only me to this viewing of the Artifact? I'm sure my friends, as the other Elements of Harmony, have earned that right too." Celestia chuckled softly, shaking her head. 

"If your friends were available then they would be sitting here beside you, my dear student." The Alicorn explained. "But as you know, both Rarity and Rainbow Dash are in no position to be here right now and fluttershy and Pinkie are busy with their own lives." She smiled understandingly at the incredulous look on the Unicorns face. "I know that if I asked, they would be here in a heartbeat Twilight." The Alicorn said calmly. "But the Element bearers are entitled to their own lives. I cannot just call on them every time something strange happens in Equestria." Twilight rolled her eyes at the Princess's explanation. Any further conversation was interrupted by another loud giggle. Both Unicorn and Alicorn looked round just in time to see Luna sidling away from Douche-Bag. The Alicorn of the night had walked round the table, taking her plate of cake with her. Twilight saw that the Alicorn had settled herself on a chair beside Douche-Bag and had been trying for the past few minutes to get closer and closer to him without his noticing. Judging from the way that Douche-Bag was staring at her, the Silent Stallion HAD noticed. Luna was now sidling away on her chair, using a bouncing motion of her backside to move the chair away. "Luna, what is the matter with you?" Celestia asked, frowning at her sister. "You are acting very strangely." The only reply Luna gave was another girlish giggle, returning to her cake. Celestia shook her head. "Douche-Bag, i understand you consented to give a demonstration of your powers?"

Douche-Bag did not respond beyond a blink and that vague look. Celestia gave a huff that matched the one Twilight let loose. Twilight had been right. This pony was look a wall of ice. Cold, impregnable and silent. And yet...Celestia agreed with the report that Shining Armor had given her. There was something both repulsive and attractive about the Silent Stallion. Sure, most mares did find the strong, silent type as attractive but that vague, almost unending stare was unnerving. It was like Douche-Bag was peering into her soul, staring into the deepest, darkest recesses of her being, unraveling every dirty little secret that Celestia had hidden for years. Then again, it might just be that Douche-Bag had something wrong with him and that staring was just part of his condition...Celestia shook herself again. She wasn't sure why she'd followed that particular line of thought but after being a Princess for so long, she'd learned to read ponies based on their behavior. Douche-Bags silence, while annoying, told her a great deal about the Stallion. He was...hurting about something. Something that kept his true personality in this cold shell. Celestia eyed the stallion with greater interest now as he continued to stare at the still giggling form of her sister. It would be interesting, Celestia thought, to see how Douche-Bag developed as time went on...



   

Luna sighed to herself as she toppled onto the round bed, sinking into the big, plush cushions that she'd commissioned on her return to the castle. Closing her eyes, the Alicorn of night let her thoughts run wild. Most of them were about the silent Stallion walking through the castle with her sister. Luna felt her cheeks burn pink and a soft giggle escaped her at the thought of Douche-Bag. At the same time however, she felt anger  building up inside of her. After so many years, Celestia still insisted on berating her for letting her more immature side show. Surely, after being trapped inside the moon for so long, she had earned the right to fool around a little bit. And with that handsome stallion...Luna sighed, pressing her face into the pillows. The night Princess couldn't understand why she was so enamored with this new, stoic stallion. He was just so...Luna smiled. Yes...that was it. Luna wasn't as experienced at reading ponies as her sister was but she had enough experience to know when something was....different about a pony. It was Douche-Bags silence. And his eyes...they'd seen things. But it was more than that. Douche-Bag was isolated. It wasn't just the silence. It was a strange way to live, Luna thought, smiling. She supposed that was why she liked him. He was isolated, just like she'd been.  Maybe...just maybe, with enough prodding...

"LUNA!" Yelled an angry voice. Luna sighed to herself as the door opened. Celestia stood there, an furious look splashed across her muzzle. "We really need to talk!" the Alicorn of the sun snapped, striding into the room. Luna pressed her head deeper into the pillows, trying hard to block out the voice of her sister. "I've never known you to act so foalishly around any Stallion. Just because he's the strong...handsome...silent type." Luna turned her head. Celestia was standing by the bed, the stern look on her face melting away into a warm smile. The two Alicorns stared at each other for another few seconds...then both dissolved into loud giggles. "Oh Luna wasn't he gorgeous!" shrieked Celestia.





Douche-Bag stared at the line of young, golden armored stallions in front of him. Since the...rather odd tea party he'd had with the two princesses and Twilight, Celestia had ordered one of the guard-ponies to take him down to the training grounds. Now here he was, seated on grass in the middle of a ring of training equipment. Most of it looked normal for a pony, such as a race track and several devices that looked like adapted training devices for humans...except that they were adapted for ponies. The training arena was silent. He was on his own. The guard had told him to wait for Shining Armor. Douche-Bag had expected this however. Twilight had warned him that Celestia would want to see his...gas technique in exchange for him seeing the Stick of truth. The Stick....Douche-Bag sat on his haunches, eyes staring at nothing in particular. It was the biggest coincidence in the world. He was sure that the Stick of Truth was just a fictional relic that Cartman and the other kids of South Park had made up. And the last time Douche-Bag had seen the Stick, Cartman had thrown into Stark's Pond and it had been just that. A normal, ordinary stick. It certainly hadn't been covered with rare Jewels or made of gold. Either he was incredibly wrong and the Artifact was something else entirely or he was completely right and the stick could get him home. But would they even let him...

"Douche-Bag!" Called a voice. The silent Stallion blinked. Shining Armor was striding up through the many pieces of training equipment towards him. Behind the White Unicorn was two lines of four golden armored ponies. The Recruits he'd mentioned. Douche-Bag watched silently as Shining Armor organized the recruits into a long line of eight before striding over to him. "You alright?" Shining asked, holding out his hoof. Douche-Bag blinked at him. Slowly, he raised his hoof and bumped it with Shining Armor's. The Unicorn nodded as though Douche-Bag had spoken, then turned to the line of recruits. All eight of them were staring at Douche-Bag in confusion. "These are the new recruits, fresh out of the proving grounds." said Shining Armor, striding up and down the line of recruits. "Each greener than a blade of grass." He stopped at the end of the Line. "Alright Slackers!" Yelled the Unicorn, turning to glare at the armored ponies. "This Stallion right here is going to give you some special training!" He turned to grin at Douche-Bag. "He uses a special technique I guarantee you won't be prepared for!" He took several steps back. "Alright Douche-Bag! Give it to them!" 

Several of the recruits took a step forward, all grinning between each other. They'd heard Shining Armor name Douche-Bag and they'd grown cocky. The Eight ponies surrounded him. Douche-Bag stood stock still. He knew exactly what he was going to do. These ponies had no idea what they'd let themselves in for. As the ring of armored ponies got closer and closer, Douche-Bag tensed himself. Lowering his front, the Stallion stuck his ass into the air. Several of the recruits laughed at the ridiculous image of this pony. Many of them thought that their Captain had been joking with them and that this pony had no special training for them at all. They closed in. Douche-Bag, closed his eyes tight, sweat beginning to drip down his face. He gritted his teeth. He could feel it. That familiar urge. it was building just like the two monks of Canada had taught him. Just as the armored ponies completed their circle, surrounding Douche-Bag tightly, Douche-Bag released the pressure he'd been keeping held inside him. The Bang he released was..rather louder than he thought it was. Douche-Bag certainly wasn't expecting the large cloud of green gas that exploded out of him, sending the eight recruits flying backwards. Douche-bag had to cover his ears, shielding them from the loud bang. 

"Wow..." stammered a voice. Douche-Bag stood up, looking around. Shining Armor was standing nearby, shielded inside a bubble of magic. But the rest of the recruits had not been so lucky. Several of them had been thrown backwards tossed several feet feet by the wave of green vapor. Some had simply folded under the mass of foul smells that had hit them. Others just stood their, their armor missing and their fur windblown. Many of the recruits had tears streaming down their faces from rather bloodshot eyes. Douche-Bag blinked again. He supposed he'd have to watch himself the next time he unleashed a Nagasaki. He might end up bringing a house down. Shining Armor strode over, still shielded within his enchanted bubble. "Douche-Bag...you need to teach me that.." he stammered.         

	  
> Chapter 5
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

		"Douche-Bag, when I said I wanted you to help train the new recruits, I didn't mean that you should knock half of them out!" Shining Armor laughed, shouldering his way past the guards stationed at the barracks entrance. Douche-Bag followed along behind the Unicorn, keeping his silence. In his opinion, Douche-Bag had done exactly what Shining Armor had asked him to do. Though...Douche-Bag had to admit that the Unicorn beside him had a point. The Nagasaki he'd unleashed had practically annihilated the entire squad, leaving several of the of the newbies with streaming, bloodshot eyes and windblown fur, stinking of shit. Of course, that hadn't stopped several of the more experienced guards pissing themselves laughing at the recruits as Douche-Bag and Shining Armor had dragged the unconscious ponies back to the Barracks. That had taken most of the afternoon. Now the sun, which had been high in the sky during the training session, was now sinking towards the horizon, changing the sky from blue to orange. Shining grinned as he lead Douche-Bag back towards the castle. "We can't let you see the relic tonight bro." said the Unicorn with an apologetic grin. "But tomorrow, the Princess herself'll show you there. In the meantime, we've had a room prepared for you."

Douche-Bag kept his silence as the Unicorn led him through the hallways, each a large marble corridor, several priceless antiques placed on large white plinths. At one such plinth, Douche-Bag stopped. It was a circular mirror, mounted on a pony sized plinth. The silent Earth Pony stared back at his reflection. A brief image of his friends in South Park laughing at his new appearance flashed through his mind. His friends...Douche-bag stared at his own vague reflection. It couldn't have been...It wasn't that Douche-Bag's expression had changed. His eyes still retained that misty look, like smoke behind glass. However, there was a new light in them, like some-pony had lit a flare inside them. No...Douche-Bag had humiliated him, twice and Cartman had made a personal point of banishing him out of space and time for violating the rules of their game...twice. No, he wouldn't dare return. Not after what that little prick had pulled. Maybe...Douche-Bag took a step back. His reflection did the same, neither of the two Douche-Bags avoiding eye contact. 

Douche-Bag experienced a strange moment of clarity as he stared into the mirror. There it was, The strange look that made his friends so awkward around him. His eyes, like glass covered panes with smoke behind them. His mouth, seemingly frozen in a state of calm coldness. This impervious shell. Douche-Bag wasn't sure how long he'd been like this. Cold and silent. He also wasn't sure what made him so likable to people an ponies. Take Shining Armor for example. Douche-Bag had caught him full in the face with a powered up sneaky squeaker...and yet the Unicorn had forgiven him and started treating him like his best friend in a matter of seconds. Douche-Bag supposed that his special power going to work. It was both a gift and a curse for him. While it made him many friends, it was strange how people seemed drawn to him like he had a magnet inside him.  

"Douche-Bag?" Asked a voice. Shining Armor had returned, a concerned look on his face. "Are you okay?" Douche-Bag tore his attention away from the mirror to look at the Unicorn. Silence stretched between them. "Erm...alright then..." stammered Shining Armor, a strained grin on his face. "Well...if you'll follow me?" he turned and led Douche-Bag down the hall until they finally arrived at a plain wooden door. Shining Armor pushed it pen, smiling. "Comfy right?" The room was a nice shade of blue, with a thick carpet, a large writing desk, complete with quills and ink bottle and a bed. The bed was so large, Douche-Bag was sure that three ponies the size of Shining Armor would be able to sleep in it with no discomfort. Another door, close to the bed led into a large bathroom, all white marble and glass. Douche-Bag might've guessed he'd been checked into a five star hotel, rather than a castle owned by an Alicorn taller than him that moved the sun around. Douche-Bag, after taking a few minutes to examine everything, turned to look at Shining Armor. "You hungry bro?" asked the Unicorn. Douche-Bag kept his silence. "Well..." The Unicorn was uncomfortable. "If you need anything, a guard will be outside all night so just holler if you get peckish. Sleep tight Bro." Shining Armor bumped the Silent Earth Pony' hoof again before turning and walking out the door. Douche-Bag stripped off his robe and clambered onto the bed, slipping inside it quickly. To hell with it, he thought. He could wash tomorrow. It wasn't like Cartman was gonna pop out of the closet and call him a stinking bastard...again. The warm blankets folded over the silent pony and as the room slowly darkened, Douche-Bag slipped into the comfort and the quiet of sleep.





Douche-Bag blocked the sword that had been about to land on his helmet. His own sword twirled, knocking the blade away from him and driving the other boy, dressed in dark armor to his knees. A deft tap of Douche-Bags sword knocked the boy to the ground. Taking a moment to rest, Douche-Bag looked around. He knew exactly where he was. Looking up confirmed it. There it was. The tall tree, each with battlements, defenses and those black flags...everywhere. He was back at the battle of the dark tower. All around the silent stallion, boys and girls around his own age, all dressed in brightly colored armor, clashing again and again with the dark armored boys and girls. All around the...silent...Stallion. Douche-Bag mad his way towards one of the many puddles of clear water that the dark fortress's moat had made. He wasn't human! Instead of his normal image, his stallion self was staring back at him. But that wasn't possible. Douche-Bag knew that when he'd taken part in that battle, he'd been a human, not a pony. He stared around. Most of his soldiers were fighting as though they couldn't see that their commanding officer had suddenly turned into a stallion. Maybe if he got to the top of the fortress, he could remedy this problem. 

"Give me the Stick of Truth!" shrieked a voice. Douche-Bag turned. Something dark was coming towards him. it was like a giant cloud, speeding towards him. A pair of great big, ruby red eyes were staring at him, full of dark hatred. "GIVE ME THE STICK!" Screamed the voice, echoing in Douche-Bags ears like a terrible melody. Then everything went black.   





Princess Celestia stared down at the Artifact from where it lay upon its velvet cushion on the small round conference table. She knew what this thing was now. Her science team had just confirmed it. And it filled her with dread. She sighed looking up at the other two Alicorns that were seated around the conference table. One was her sister, Princess Luna. The other looked slightly younger than the two celestial monarchs. This Alicorn had light pink fur and deep violet eyes. Her mane was long and stylishly curled, with several colors splashing through the mane, ranging from purple to pink to yellow. Like Celestia and Luna, this Alicorn was staring at the Artifact in front of her, her violet eyes narrowed in deep concentration. Finally, after several minutes of silence, all three Alicorns tore their gazes away from the object in front of them and traded glances with each other. Celestia raised her hoof and brought it down upon the table, the metal of her hoof armor clanking against the wood. 

"We are all in agreement?" she asked. The other two traded glances...then they both nodded. Celestia nodded too. "And if Douche-Bag should try to take this from us?" The two traded glances again...then they slowly nodded. Celestia smiled. "I'm glad we could finally come to an agreement about this." The other two Alicorns nodded. "I just hope," Celestia began slowly. "That Douche-Bag doesn't force us to use our plan B." The white furred Alicorn thought for a moment. "Perhaps we should recall the other Elements of Harmony." she suggested, smiling. "Twilight seems to like him so I have no doubt the others will." The other two Alicorns thought for a moment...then nodded. The decision had been made.  Celestia grinned. "We shall do it in the morning. For now," she yawned standing up. "I shall return to bed." The white furred Princess of the sun turned to leave. "Goodnight you two."
> Chapter 6
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cloudsdale

The city made of Clouds and home to the main Pegasus population of Equestria, Cloudsdale was ablaze with excitement. The white clouds that made up the massive flying cityscape always made the Pegasus's home bright, even in the nighttime. But now, many lanterns, made up of clouds, blazed with magical fires, all in different colors. Pegasus after Pegasus streamed into the massive cloud Colosseum, the loud chatter of excitement hovering over the massive stream of ponies. Inside the Colosseum, the ponies continued to fill up the massive stadium. All around the stadiums massive walls, stuck to the clouds by magical means, were massive posters, all emblazoned with the large name: "The Wonder-bolts," under which was the picture of three Pegasuses, each dressed in a blue uniform, with goggles covering their eyes, each standing tall and proud. But there were other posters to, some promoting specialized products like hoof-polish and wing-treatments. But in the middle of all this was one massive poster. Instead of the Wonder-Bolts, this poster showed a Pegasus with Cyan fur, Pinkish violet eyes and Rainbow Mane. The Pegasus was posing heroically, her wings spread out behind her. This Poster read: "Rainbow Dash and her storm defying Buccaneer Blaze!" The Poster alone had been enough to get the excited masses in the stadium screaming for the show to start.

Inside the Stadiums office, Skilled-Commentator watched the masses filling up his Stadium. He'd been both Manager and Commentator of this Stadium for three years now and he knew he would still be here, three years later. The Pegasus ran a hoof through his brown Mane, smiling. He'd gotten lucky to organize this show before he stepped down from Commentator for the night. He was only commentating on the main shows. The small-stuff was for the interns. He settled back into the cloud-chair and tapped the magical microphone in front him. All set. The Pegasus checked through his program, grinning at the scheduled events. The Wonder-Bolts first to get the audience up and dancing, then he'd bring in Rainbow Dash and finish off the spectacle with a bang. He grinned. It was time to begin. However, right as he was about to speak, an intern sidled up to him from the other side of the office, sliding a piece of parchment over the enchanted table. Frowning, the commentator picked up the Parchment and read the letter. After a few seconds of scanning the neatly written letter, the Pegasus's face fell. With a sigh, Skilled-Commentator got off his seat, making his way towards the flight pits. He knew Rainbow Dash wouldn't like being told she wouldn't be able to fly. But he supposed that if Princess Celestia needed her, then the Rainbow maned Pegasus would be a little more understanding...hopefully.    





The City of Las-Pegasus

The City of Las-Pegasus was a mishmash of giant skyscrapers, bars and casinos. Ponies, some in casual dress, others wearing nothing at all, wandered through the busy streets, drinking and laughing into the night. Many a pony could be seen slumped on a bench or in a gutter, sleeping off a hangover or some other intoxicant. Many ponies staggered around, into the bars to dance the night away, surrendering their pleasant day attitudes for a single night of debauchery. The bars were stocked full of drunk ponies and happy dancers, all swaying to the theme of rock style music. Many were sitting at the bar, sticking their muzzles into the mugs of cider, salt licks and other drinks that many would've considered illegal, in any other city. The "Cider Siesta" Bar was most popular, with a waiting line two streets long. Inside, the club was rather dark, with a loud rhythm pumping through the dance room, with a glass dance floor, almost completely obscured by a veritable army of  dancing ponies. The bar was obscured by ponies, each one sitting on  padded bar stool, each drinking furiously from thick mugs and from small bowls of salt lick. 

The Pink, Poofy maned Earth Pony was sitting on the very end of the bar, a large mug of cider clasped in her hoof. A big grin was spread across her face, her wide, happy blue eyes watching the dancing ponies. She was eager to dance and party herself but she had to be careful. Despite her usual instincts to party the night away, her friend had warned her not to do something so impulsive and thus antagonize any ruffians amongst the crowd. The Earth Pony pulled her mug closer to her and sipped it. It wasn't the same as her friends brand of Cider but it was still tasty. It had a slight tang that hit the back of her throat as it went down, tingling the back of her throat. The Pink Pony had to be careful with it, in case she wanted to get drunk and collapse some of the other ponies she'd seen outside the club. The Pink Pony sighed at the thought of her friends cider. She missed her friends and the parties that they'd had together over the past few months. But she supposed that every-pony needed a holiday. And she'd never been to Las-Pegasus. 

"Miss Pinkie Pie?" The Pink Pony turned her head. The Bartender was standing in front of her. With his Cliched tux and long, twiddly mustache, the Bartender could've come out of any cheesy movie. "A message from the Gentle-colt at the other end." He slid a small, folded square of parchment across the counter, before pointing across the counter. The Pink Pony's eyes widened as she saw the golden armored stallion, standing by the bar. She quickly snapped up the parchment and read the letter. The Pink Pony's face split into a wide grin. "Tell mister guard over there that I'm on my way!" The Bartender nodded and returned to the guard. The Pink Pony quickly drained her drink. She was coming home!   





Saddle-Arabia

The desert markets of Saddle-Arabia were often crammed with ponies, some sitting on blankets under the hot sun, trinkets spread out around them for sale to any passing tourists, whilst others sat under large parasols, keeping the sun but not the heat off them as they too bartered for brightly colored ceramics and other such items. Two ponies, one a alabaster white Unicorn with a purple mane and bright blue eyes, the other a yellow furred Pegasus with a long pink mane and tail sat under a parasol at one of the many open cafes, each sipping from brightly colored drinks. Both were smiling at each other, watching the many ponies, some in exotic wraps, others in travel clothes go about their business. The Alabaster Unicorn was sporting a large, wide brimmed hat which shielded her head against the sun. The Pegasus was sporting the same sort of hat, though not as brightly colored as the Unicorns. Both had been in Saddle-Arabia for two weeks now and both were enjoying their holiday. But something was missing. It wasn't the same without their four other friends to enjoy it with them. 

"Excuse me ladies." Both Pegasus and Unicorn looked up from their drinks. A Golden armored Stallion was standing by their table. He smiled, placing a small package on the table. "Your friend sends her regards from Canterlot." The Golden stallion turned and walked away. The pair looked at each other. Their friend from Canterlot? The Unicorn quickly tore open the package. The Brown wrapping fell away to reveal a pair train tickets and a small roll of parchment with a small, golden seal. Both Ponies looked up at each, grinning. Swiftly downing their drinks, the pair got up. They had a train to catch.   





Appaloosa

The dusty town of Appaloosa was little more than a Shanty-Town. Dust blasted, dilapidated houses were arranged in two lines opposite each other. The only major signs of life was the large saloon, set right in the middle of the town. It was what you might call the stereotypical saloon, with swinging doors and shutters. The Inside was sparsely furnished with a few, circular tables, each with several ponies sitting around them, large mugs and salt licks littered over the tables. An Earth Pony was sitting alone at one of the tables nearest the back of the Saloon. She had an Orange Coat with a blonde mane and tail. A pair of apple green eyes stared around at the Ponies from under the lid of a patched Stetson Hat. She sipped gently from a mug of cider. She'd been called here by a mysterious pony. Normally, she would've been visiting her family. But a job was a job. And if there were extra bits on offer, bits that could help with the upkeep of her farm, then she would be the first in line for the Job. If only her supposed employer would bother to show up. She'd been sitting here for the best part of three hours, watching each and every pony that had walked into the saloon. So far none of them had matched the description. 

"Excuse me." Said a quiet voice. The Mare looked up. A Stallion was standing beside her. He was dressed in patchwork armor that covered the upper half of his brown fur. His pupils seemed unnaturally small, so much so that she couldn't tell what color the stallions eyes were. A headband, with what appeared to be a small skull made of stone attached to it. She smiled. He'd arrived at last. "Sorry about the wait. Some dumb-ass decided to get in my way." The Stallion sat beside the mare, grinning. "So you're interested?" The Mare nodded. The Stallion grinned widely. "Then let's ditch this place. It's freaking depressing." The pair stood together and walked out. Soon after the pair had left the Saloon, a stallion dressed in golden armor walked in. He strode straight up to the counter, holding up a picture of the Stetson wearing mare. The Bartender scratched his head, then pointed with his hoof to the empty table, explaining that the mare had left several minutes before. The armored Pony's eyes widened and he turned, sprinting out into the night, his eyes darting left and right. But there was no sign of the Stetson wearing mare.  



 

Canterlot

Douche-Bags eyes snapped open again. The silent Earth Pony sat up, rubbing his hooves into his eyes, trying to clear the blurriness from his vision. The silent stallion looked around. The room he had been sleeping in was still very dark though a blueish tinge had started to creep through the windows. Judging from that tint, Douche-Bag guessed that it had to be early in the morning. He was exhausted. All he'd done that night was dream of that strange black cloud, a chilling laugh and then he'd wake up. The Earth Pony clambered out of the bed. Normally, Douche-Bag would've checked under the bed in case underpants gnomes attacked him again, trying to steal his underwear but he was to exhausted to care right at that minute. Since Ponies didn't wear underpants anyway, Douche-Bag doubted that the gnomes would exist here anyway. Walking into the bathroom, Douche-Bag splashed some cold water on his face. Staring into the mirror, Douche-Bag blinked tiredly at his reflection, watching his reflection blink back. Dark bags were under his eyes and his fur and mane stuck out in all directions. What was it called...Bed hair, that was it. The Silent Pony stared at his reflection for a few moments longer before returning to the bed and sitting on it. He briefly considered ringing the enchanted bell and getting something to eat but decided against it. He supposed he'd get breakfast later, when the rest of the castle woke up. 

Douche-Bag sat in silence, watching the light outside his window change from its current dark hue to a lighter blue. He watched the sunrise with a feeling that might've been joy. Or trapped gas. Either one of those two. Today he would get to see the Stick of Truth one more time. He'd be able to see if it could get him home. Though...Douche-Bag supposed that if he was wrong, at least this world wasn't such a bad place. At least there were no governments here trying to harness his power to achieve their own goals...or crazy aliens trying to probe his anus. Douche-Bag leaned back into the chair, watching as the first rays of sunlight rose of the mountain tops. Yes...this world wasn't such a bad place to live...  
> Chapter 7
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Douche-Bag was still staring out of the window, watching the sun rise when there was a soft knock at the door.  The Silent Stallion got off his chair which creaked slightly as its' load was finally released and stretched, wondering who would've bothered to come here and see if he was awake this early. The sun had only just taken its' place in the sky, bathing the room in warm, soft golden light. Douche-Bag blinked, feeling that familiar sting and a horrible sensation of tightness, like his eyelids wanted to close in on themselves and seal up forever. His eyes hurt, as they always did whenever he stayed up really late. Trying hard to blink away the tiredness, Douche-Bag stood shakily. His back hurt, the skin feeling like it had been rubbed raw under his turquoise fur. The Stallion had sat on the seat for the best part of three hours, unmoving as he watched the sun rise. He hadn't bothered to have a shower or done anything to try and straighten out his bed-hair. He probably looked a mess but he didn't care. Some of his friends had seen him butt naked before. Hell, the girl faction had stripped him and forced him into girls clothes without so much as a by or leave. Fair enough, that was the only  way  he could've gotten inside an abortion clinic...just so he could get attacked by a giant Nazi Zombie fetus...Douche-Bag supposed he was either good at adventuring or had the worst luck ever. One of those two. 

"Good Morning Douche-Bag." The silent stallion stared. Princess Celestia was standing outside the door. Douche-Bag was momentarily surprised to see the Iridescent maned Alicorn standing outside his door. Celestia was looking her usual majestic self, her white fur well brushed and her eyes bright with something Douche-Bag could not place. It was like...a mixture of excitement and nervousness. She smiled toothily. "I trust you slept well?" Her eyes took in the dark bags under Douche-Bag's eyes and his fur sticking out in every direction, giving him the look of a tired, turquoise porcupine. Celestia gave a nervous chuckle. "Maybe not." The Alicorn suddenly changed tack. "I was wondering if you would join me for a spot of Breakfast?" Douche-Bag stared up at Celestia, saying nothing. The Alicorn tilted her head. "So..yes? No?" Douche-Bag stared at her. "Erm....okay then." Celestia said uncomfortably. "I shall give you a few minutes to spruce yourself up. I shall wait for you outside." Douche-Bag closed the door again and turned to walk into the bathroom. After hastily splashing clod water on himself, the silent Stallion jumped into the streaming jet of water that the shower provided. Standing under the streaming jet of water, steam rising up all around him, Douche-Bag felt the previous nights exhaustion leaving him. At least their showers worked properly in this world. That was a bonus.      

PHRAAAP!

Douche-Bag lent his head against the marble wall as the fart escaped him. The Stallion briefly wondered why he was so good at farting. His bowls must have had something incredibly wrong with them for him to release gas like that. Though the Stallion wouldn't have been surprised if the aliens who'd once abducted him had done something else to his asshole, besides the giant alien dildo and probe that they'd attempted to shove up there. He was lucky he'd taken down those strange aliens when he had. Otherwise, who knows what would've happened to his backside. The water pouring over Douche-Bag trickled through his turquoise fur, giving Douche-Bag a vague feeling of Deja-Vu. The waters constant thick stream reminded him vaguely of the sewer he'd once journeyed through. After meeting a lump of living shit, a lump of living shit who'd been obsessed with Christmas, he'd found the entrance to the crab peoples home. Now he thought about, the silent Stallion thought he should've been more amazed about finding out his new home contained all these impossible and bizarre things, But as his father had once said, there was the possibility that there was something wrong with him. Mentally at least. There was definitely something wrong with him internally, given the outrageously demented farts that came out of him on a daily basis, not to mention the alien probe....





Douche-Bag stood under the water for about fifteen minutes before stepping out, drying off and slipping on his cyan robe and headband. He supposed Celestia was either going to take him to breakfast or to try to murder him in some demented way. After all he'd been through, the silent Stallion wouldn't have been surprised if that were to have happened. But no. Instead, the moment he opened the door, the Alicorn Princess simply smiled, motioned with her hoof, and walked with Douche-Bag down the corridor. Any attempts at conversation were slowly halted due to Douche-Bag's...lack of conversation. After several unsuccessful tries, the Princess of the sun lapsed into silence again and the pair continued on in relative silence, moving through several elegant looking corridors until they walked out into an open-air garden. It was tastefully made, with a four walls made out bushes trimmed expertly. Several statues, each mounted on plinths stood around a small circular table, laden with breakfast items. Douche-Bag noticed that one Plinth near the table, one larger than the rest, stood empty. Celestia settled herself in front of the table, motioning for the silent Stallion to do the same before pouring him a cup of steaming hot tea. Douche-Bag was just about to eat when a familiar shout from behind him made the Stallion turn. 

"Good morning Douche-Bag." The Stallion turned his head. Twilight-Sparkle was standing in the doorway, smiling at both him at Celestia. The Unicorn made her way over, settling herself beside Douche-Bag. "Good Morning to you too Princess." The violet Unicorn grinned over at her mentor. Celestia, instead of smiling was glaring at the young Unicorn beside Douche-Bag, her eyes narrowed. She recovered quickly however, mumbling a welcome before sipping from her teacup. Twilight turned to Douche-Bag, smiling. "I hope you slept well?" asked the Unicorn. Celestia's eyes had narrowed so they were like slits. "I was wondering..." Twilight said nervously, tilting her head away from Douche-Bag, a soft blush on her cheeks. "Well...After we're done seeing the stick of truth...I was wondering if you'd like to return with Ponyville...with me...where we could....do something together?" Douche-Bag stopped. Was Twilight asking him on a date? He supposed if he was wrong and the Artifact wasn't able to bring him home then he would need some sort of long term plan. And, now he came to think about it, Twilight was kinda like him. A quiet type. Not one for large crowds. "P-Please..." Twilight stammered, evidently flustered by the Stallions silence. "W-Will you come with me?" 

"Actually Twilight," Celestia snapped. Both Douche-Bag and Twilight turned their heads. The White furred Alicorn had placed her teacup down on the table so had that tea had slopped everywhere. The Princess was glaring at the pair of them, a malicious glint in her eye. "I cannot allow either of you to see the Artifact." She held up a hoof before the violet Unicorn could interrupt. "I understand you were eager to study this supposed "Stick of Truth" But my team of scientists want to study it further. This is not a matter you need concern yourself with." She turned away from her student to look at Douche-Bag. Her face changed into something rather akin to that of a doting mother. "Now Douche-Bag," The Princess said, her voice sickly sweet. "I understand that you want to see the relic...now I'm sure if WE spent more time together then we could arrange something." Douche-Bag blinked. Was Celestia...No...this wasn't possible. He tilted his head. Twilight was sitting there, a rather offended look on her face. Slowly, Douche-Bag sidled round the table to sit next to Twilight. The Princess stared at the pair of them. "Fine." she snorted, standing up abruptly. "I'll make arrangements for Douche-Bag to stay in his own home and to take some of the burden  off of you!" She turned and strode off. But just as the Princess stalked out of the garden, Douche-Bag heard her snort. "He'll be mine you.." Douche-Bag turned to Twilight. The Unicorn smiled, still blushing.

"T-Thank you for agreeing to come back Douche-Bag." Twilight stammered, placing her hoof on his. Douche-Bag stared the Unicorn. Twilight looked down at the Breakfast Table. "I must confess, I was hoping that Celestia would let us stay together but...um.." Twilight's words trailed away. Douche-Bag, who had never been one to keep a conversation going, compensated for the awkward silence by munching on toast and muffins. After a few minutes of eating, Twilight meeping and blushing, the Unicorn slid a small square of what looked like paper in front him. It was a picture, depicting six ponies. He could see twilight, with her hoof around a pink earth pony with a poofy mane, a rainbow maned Pegasus floating in the air beside a yellow colored one with a long pink mane. Lying on the ground beside them was an Orange earth pony wearing a Stetson hat, beside an Alabaster Unicorn with long stylish eyelashes. "Those are my closest friends." Twilight said, smiling. "I'd like you to meet them when we get back to Ponyville." Douche-Bag was about to hand back the photo, when he noticed that a second photo seemed to be stuck to the underside of the friends picture. It depicted Twilight...hanging in the air....wit ropes looped around her..."Oh that's mine!" Twilight shrieked, snatching the photo away and poofing it away with her magic. She gave Douche-Bag a rather strained grin. "Shall...Shall we go for a walk?" She asked.



          

In the end, Douche-Bag made his way down into Canterlot city alone. Twilight seemed unable to look at him whenever they were together and soon after Celestia had stormed off, the violet furred Unicorn had hurried off. Celestia....Douche-Bag continued down the street, staring at the Swanky shops without really looking at them. Why had Celestia been acting the way she had? From what Twilight had told him, Celestia absolutely doted on the young Unicorn. But the moment Twilight had suggested that Douche-Bag return to Ponyville with her, the Alicorn had turned aggressive, treating Twilight like she was a stain of dirt on her hoof armor. It was as if Twilight had somehow insulted her by suggesting she spend time with the Stallion. Then it was as if Celestia didn't want to be anywhere near them. And why did she keep trying to separate him from Twilight. Even the offer to set him with living quarters didn't seem like a genuine offer. It felt more like she was trying to keep him away from Twilight. Douche-Bag couldn't understand it. Celestia couldn't be...Douche-Bag stopped in front of a rather fancy dress shop. It could've been his pride talking but Douche-Bag was pretty sure that Celestia was...attracted to him. He'd only ever seen people act like that when they were getting clingy about their partners. But Celestia couldn't have fallen for him...could she? And there was the way that Twilight had been acting around him...

Douche-Bag was so deep in thought, that he didn't notice the Alabaster Unicorn striding out of the shop, the two saddle bags on her back stuffed full of expensive materials. Suddenly, she and Douche-Bag were face to face. The Unicorn had a long purple mane, expertly styled into neat curls. Her Cutie Mark was a grouping of three diamonds. Big blue eyes stared into Douche-Bags. And as they continued to stare at each other, those eyes seemed to get bigger. The Unicorn blinked several times, her styled eyelashes bouncing gently as she did so. Then she took several steps back. And then the Unicorn let out a long, drawn out gasp of horror. She stumbled backwards onto the marble steps of the shop behind her, one of her manicured hooves pointing directly at him. Douche-Bag watched as the Unicorn started to hyperventilate. Then...

"WHAT ARE YOU WEARING!" The Unicorn screamed. She had high-pitched voice. It reminded Douche-Bag of nails on a chalkboard...maybe on glass to. "I mean really Darling!" The Unicorn howled, standing up and moving around him. "That style of robe was so outdated. It doesn't help that it's covered in DIRT!" The Unicorn's voice was starting to increase its pitch. Douche-Bags' ears flicked backwards at the painful noise. "While i do like the headband, you simply must come back to my Hotel and allow me to fix your dress problems." Before Douche-Bag could unleash the Dragonshout of the century, the Unicorn was beside him, pushing him hurriedly along the streets, pushing him harder and harder every time he tried, until they both arrived at an expensive looking hotel. Quickly, Douche-Bag was pushed up into the swanky room. His kidnapper smiled at him, tape measures, materials and fabrics floating around her. "My name is Rarity darling. You?" Douche-Bag stared at her. She smiled, giving a nod of encouragement. Douche-Bag stared at her. He wished now he'd stoked up on spicy food. This Rarity was begging for a Dragonshout to the face. "You know, it's very impolite to ignore a lady, darling." Rarity said, her smile fading slightly. "Now where did you say you were from? You look a little...ragged." That was it. Douche-Bag turned. This...mare was in for a the surprise of the Century. 
> Chapter 8
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Twilight Sparkle sighed to herself as she wandered down the street. Canterlot City was just as she'd left it. Large, elegant shops and towers, stretching high into the sky. Yet the Unicorn could not find it within herself to enjoy the memories. Not at the moment. She was to busy thinking about the morning meal with her beloved mentor. Celestia had been...almost cold. She'd snapped at Twilight, ignored her and treated her like a speck of dirt. She'd acted....rather like Nightmare Moon had when Twilight had first met her. Arrogant, focused on only one thing. Douche-Bag. Twilight sighed to herself at the thought of the Silent Stallion. The Unicorn had never been one for dating. During her time in Canterlot, Twilight had always been more interested in books and learning than some handsome young Stallion. But since meeting Douche-Bag...It was strange, like it had happened overnight. She was suddenly thinking more and more about Douche-Bag. About his calm silences...his soft turquoise fur....Twilight shook her head. This wasn't like her. It felt weird. She felt attracted to the silent Stallion yet...it wasn't like her to be attracted to any-pony like this before. It just wasn't her style. Twilight sighed to herself. She supposed her friend, Rarity could provide her with dating advice. The White Unicorn had always professed to know the way to a Stallions heart. Then again, that might've been the fashionista's usual pomp and flash.

"Twilight Darling!" Said a high-pitched voice. Twilight whirled round. The white Unicorn was striding up the street towards her, bright blue eyes wide in excitement. Twilight stared at her friend, then broke out into a wide grin, hurrying over to embrace the other Unicorn. "I haven't seen you in ages Darling." The Alabaster Unicorn said cheerfully, pulling back from Twilight, a wide grin on her face. "I had thought I would not see you again until you returned to Ponyville. What brings you here again?" Twilight was about to answer her friend when she noticed something strange. A greenish vapor, barely visible was rising from the Alabaster Unicorn's fur. Now that Twilight came to think about it, there was a strange smell. Like...feces or some sort of...Rarity noticed her friends look. "ooh it's nothing Darling...Nothing another five baths in my special lotions...and tomato juice will cure." The Alabaster Unicorn said, a strained grin spreading across her face. Twilight frowned. It was a well known fact that Rarity despised dirt, in any way, shape or form. She even despised nasty smells. So it was very strange to see this vapor..."Trust me darling it's..." Rarity started. But that was when Twilight noticed him. Douche-Bag had just stepped out from behind the shop. "Oh!" Exclaimed Rarity as the Stallion stepped up beside her. "This is a gentlecolt I met earlier today Darling. He agreed to help me with some designs..." Rarity grinned sheepishly. Now the green vapor made sense. Twilight glared at Douche-Bag. 

"You did not do what I think you did Douche-Bag?!" She demanded. Douche-Bag blinked at her and said nothing. One of Twilight's eyes twitched. "You did didn't you?" she said angrily. "Douche-Bag, this is one of my best friends." She turned to look at the Alabaster Unicorn. "He gassed you didn't you?" The other Unicorn froze for a second. "Did he?" Twilight demanded. Whatever her personal feelings towards the silent Stallion, she did not like ponies doing anything untoward around her friends. Though, farting probably wasn't one of the things she had prepared for. Rarity stood there for a second, frowning. Then she blinked, looking confused. Twilight sighed. "This is Douche-Bag Rarity." she said, pointing her hoof at the Turquoise Stallion. "I met him a few days ago and I brought him with me up to Canterlot." 

"You two...know each other darling?" Twilight sighed to herself as Douche-Bag strode over to stand beside the violet Unicorn. "Are you too...No.." Rarity gasped dramatically. "Are you two...sweethearts!?" Twilight sighed angrily, though she couldn't help but think internally, that wasn't such a bad idea.  





"So your name is Douche-Bag is it Darling?" Asked Rarity. She, Twilight and Douche-Bag were all sat around an outside table near the center square of Canterlot. After clearing up the issue that he and Twilight were not in fact, lovers, plus making sure that the Alabaster Unicorn had not suffered from a fainting fit as she was accustomed to whenever something overly dramatic was going to happen, the three ponies had made their way to the nearest shop. Rarity was now sitting with a very large mug of tea in front of her watching Douche-Bag closely. Douche-Bag simply stared back, his lips pressed tightly together. "Darling?" Rarity tried again. Douche-Bag stared at her. Twilight, sensing the rising awkwardness, leaned over and whispered in the Alabaster Unicorns ear. Rarity's face brightened. "Oh! So you are a Stallion of few words?" Douche-Bag blinked. "Erm...Okay then..." Rarity said. She turned to Twilight. "I'm glad I managed to catch you here Darling." She shivered. "Pinkie Pie is on the warpath right now. Well....I suppose I should say she is on the Party-Path. We all cut our holiday's short to come back to Ponyville. The Princess sent us all notes, claiming you would need help with something." She turned back to Douche-Bag. "I do hope you'll return with us Douche-Bag. That robe is quite...interesting." Douche-Bag stared at her. 

Twilight frowned. "Rarity...I'm happy to see you but if you cut your holiday short...what happened to Fluttershy?" As the two Unicorns began to engage in earnest conversation, Douche-Bag found himself staring past his two companions. It wasn't like he was interested in any of the elegant artwork or skyscrapers surrounding him . It was the mare who was looking directly at him. She was standing a little ways off, partially hidden by the fountain. The Mare had navy blue fur and a sky blue mane. Douche-Bag could see a horn, sticking out of the Mare's head. Another Unicorn. She was staring at Douche-Bag,  a strange expression on her face. It was partway between a snarl and a grimace. For a brief second, the Silent Stallion wasn't sure whether he should've been worried about being attacked again...or if it was another Celestia situation. Douche-Bag briefly wondered whether it was his power of Friend-Making or whether he was just a natural chick magnet but it seemed like these girls wouldn't leave him alone. It was surprising enough that Celestia had tried to hit on him. Now it was just random mares in the street. "Douche-Bag?" Twilight's voice broke the Stallions concentration. He turned back to look at the violet Unicorn and her companion. "We were wondering if you'd like to take a walk around the city with us?" Twilight smiled. "Well?" Rarity grinned too, looking excited. Douche-Bag remained silent. "Erm...so is that a yes?"

"I think the dear would like to come with us Twilight." Said Rarity, pushing her chair back and standing up. "Come along dear." She smiled as she and Twilight led the way out of the cafe. Douche-Bag tilted his head, staring back at the fountain. The Mare who had been watching him had disappeared. Perhaps he had imagined it. After all, this world seemed way more female dominated. The city was probably stuffed full of mares. He did stick out a bit in his robe. Maybe the Mare was admiring his sense of Dress. Rarity had...Douche-Bag put the mare out of his mind as Rarity fell into step on either side of him. "So darling," Rarity said, smiling good-naturedly at Douche-Bag. "I liked the material your robe and headband was made from. I was wondering if you would allow me to take a sample. I could incorporate it into my fabrics. It would make for a STUNNING combination." Douche-Bag blinked at the excited Unicorn. He could already tell this was going to be long, looong day. 



        

It was late afternoon by the time Douche-Bag had managed to slip away from both Twilight and Rarity. The Stallion guessed he must've been dragged around about half the city. Eventually, the pair of Unicorns had arrived at a swanky dress shop and Rarity had presented the ideal opportunity to slip away. From what he'd learned about her, Douche-Bag wasn't surprised to see Rarity squeal in excitement and drag Twilight into the shop. Douche-Bag, who had had quite enough of being dragged around by the two mares, had slipped away down a nearby alley. Now here he was, wandering alone down the backstreets and alleyways. He was lost and he knew it. Douche-Bag was no idiot. He was able to find his way round the Town of South Park with barely any help at all. But this city was way bigger than South Park. And with the suns rapid sinking, finding his way was going to get harder and harder. It didn't help that the ponies of this damn city were so snooty and stuck-up that none of them were willing to help. They just stuck their snouts in the air and walked off. Either Douche-Bag found his way back to the castle in time or he spent the night outside, sleeping on a bench.  That was not a cheerful thought. Douche-Bag pulled his robe a little tighter around himself. The temperature was beginning to drop.

"You're lost." Said a voice. Douche-Bag turned. The blue Unicorn from before was standing behind him. Her pinkish, violet eyes were narrowed slight as she took in Douche-Bags appearance. Now Douche-Bag had gotten a closer look at the Mare, he noticed that she had a crescent moon coupled with a wand for a cutie mark. "Trixie saw you this morning." The Unicorn said, a cold tinge to her voice. Douche-Bag blinked. He'd never heard any person or any other pony talk like that before. "Trixie finds you...interesting." The Unicorn said calmly with a flick of her sky blue mane. "Trixie will give you a bed for the night. I assure you, Trixie is a far more interesting host than....Twilight Sparkle!" The last part of the sentence came out in a growl, like Trixie was chewing something rather sour. "Anyways." The arrogant Unicorn said, turning her back on Douche-Bag. "Trixie will show you where we will be sleeping tonight. Trixie will even be so generous as to give you a meal if you are hungry." The Unicorn started marching away, her head held high. Douche-Bag didn't move. He wasn't sure why but he was pretty sure this mare had something against Twilight Sparkle. Since this Trixie had seen him sitting with Twilight, she might hold the same resentment against him. "The Great and Powerful Trixie does not have all day!" The Blue Unicorn snapped, looking over her shoulder at him. "Get a move on."

It only took the pair a few minutes to get to the wagon Trixie was using as her place of residence. It  was a fairly large wagon, rather like a caravan. Inside was tastefully decorated, with a small heater set into the floor, made up of magic heat sticks Trixie set alight with her horn. A bed was set against one wall, with a kitchen on another wall. A couch was pushed against another wall. Douche-Bag noticed that several large piles of what looked like ropes and something red on a leather strap was sitting in the corner. Before he could investigate to closely, Trixie pulled a large cloth over the pile. Now, the Unicorn was moving around the tiny kitchen, mixing what appeared to Douche-Bag as two large balls of salad. After a few minutes of waiting, Trixie plonked the smaller of the two meals in front of Douche-Bag. Since he hadn't eaten since breakfast, Douche-Bag ate it without complaint. Trixie did the same, though her meal was punctuated with continuous speech. She talked about how she'd come to Canterlot to perfect her magic and how she'd seen him sitting with Twilight. 

"And Trixie knew she must meet you!" She concluded. "So you will sleep on the couch," she jabbed a hoof at the couch. "And you will not disturb the Great and Powerful Trixie!" she glared at him. "Understand?!" Douche-Bag blinked at her. "Good." she said after a moment of silence. "Now get to sleep and do not disturb Trixie!" Against his better judgement, Douche-Bag stripped off his robe and placed it on a nearby chair. Settling onto the sofa, he braced himself for the cold. He knew the temperature would drop once his host turned off the heat sticks. Just as he resigned himself to this cold night, a thick quilt dropped over him. "Trixie does not want you to freeze." Douche-Bag snuggled gently under the blanket, finding it quite warm. Maybe his host wasn't to bad after all...
> Chapter 9
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	When Douche-Bag woke, it took him a minute to realize where he was. The room wasn't as elegant as his bedroom in the Canterlot Castle and the walls around his bed, or rather, the couch he was slumped on, seemed to be made of wood instead of Marble. It was only when the Blue Unicorn, Trixie gave a sleepy grunt and rolled over on her bed, that Douche-Bag remembered what had happened the night before. Getting lost, meeting Trixie and being taken to her caravan. Now here he was. He watched his host as she stood up and stretched. Trixie gave a flick of her mane and cast her arrogant gaze towards him. She snorted and trudged towards the bathroom, her head held high. Douche-Bag waited until he could here the sound of a shower being run before he vacated his bed. Blinking away the last remnants of tiredness from his eyes, the Silent Stallion stuck his head out of the door. The sun was still low in the sky, painting everything a dull, dark blue. Despite the early hours, Douche-Bag could see a few, smartly dressed ponies making their way between the various shops and buildings. He was in trouble. Douche-Bag knew either Twilight or Celestia would give him a bollocking when he got back to the Castle. Maybe he'd be able to avoid them...

"Trixie sees you are up Douche-Bag." The Stallion turned round. Trixie was standing behind him, her mane and fur back to its normal neatness. She was glaring at him. "Trixie can also tell that you stink! You will go have a wash. Trixie will prepare Breakfast." The Unicorn pointed a hoof towards the steamy bathroom. "Go on." Trixie ordered. Douche-Bag blinked. Then he relented, making his way past the Unicorn. As he passed her, Trixie's hoof glided softly over his back, ruffling the fur gently. Douche-Bag stopped and turned to look at the Unicorn. Trixie smiled. "What? Trixie finds your body...desirable." She moved in a little closer. "Trixie wishes you to spend time with her." Douche-Bag starred at her, not moving. "Trixie knows you don't speak Douche-Bag." said the Unicorn, moving in a little closer to him, nuzzling the silent stallion. "It makes you...attractive." Then she took a step back. "But Trixie will not tolerate your presence if you stink! Now go and take a shower like Trixie told you!" She turned, her nose in the air and stumped off towards the kitchen. Douche-Bag, slightly disconcerted by the show of attention, walked into the shower. "Make sure you scrub Stallion!" Yelled Trixie as Douche-Bag shut the door. "He is a good looking one Trixie." The Unicorn mumbled, listening to the shower start up again. "I think you might've hit the jackpot. What a nice Backside!"

Douche-Bag closed his eyes in enjoyment as he showered. He always loved hot water pouring over him. It made his muscles looser, less painful from the night before. Though right now, his mind was more on the Mare making them both breakfast. He'd only known her for a night and yet she was hitting on him. It was the same situation as Celestia and Twilight. Both of them had been acting the same way. Acting normally one day then all flirty the next. It didn't make sense. Trixie didn't strike him as a Mare to go out dating. In truth, Trixie reminded him of the girl faction from South Park. Possibly Bebe or Heidi Turner. One of those annoying Bitches as Cartman would've said. Shaking his head to clear the water and soap out of his eyes, Douche-Bag turned off the water and stepped out from under the shower. Quickly drying himself, Douche-Bag stopped, just as he was about to open the door. If Trixie was acting like Celestia and Twilight, then he might be in trouble. The last thing he wanted was to be caught in a love triangle involving three Ponies, one being the controller over the sun. That wouldn't be interesting place to be stuck in.  He lent his head against the door. He was being stupid. Douche-Bag had taken on an entire army of Nazi zombies, saved himself from being Anally probed by a bunch of aliens and gone up a gay mans asshole to stop a nuclear bomb going off. He could handle a Unicorn who had spoke in 3rd person and who had the hots for him. He pushed the door open.

"Trixie is glad you smell better Douche-Bag." Said The Unicorn, her pinkish, violet eyes flitting up and down the silent Stallions body. She smiled. "Trixie is very pleased by what she sees." She grinned. "Coffee is in the Kitchen Stallion." The Unicorn said calmly. As Douche-Bag turned, intending to get the steaming cup of coffee sitting on the counter, he heard a soft whistle. "Trixie DEFINITELY likes what she sees now." Douche-Bag turned his head to look back at the Unicorn. She was grinning. Damn perverted Mare. Douche-Bag walked over to the coffee cup and swigged it back in one. The brown liquid burned his throat as it went down but it revitalized him. "Douche-Bag." He turned. Trixie had been standing right behind him. She'd moved incredibly quickly and incredibly quietly. "Trixie will take you to the Town square. She is most curious about where you are living. Maybe Trixie can show you how much better she is. Much better than that...Twilight Sparkle!" There it was again. That telltale growl whenever Trixie spoke the violet Unicorns name. Douche-Bag blinked at the Unicorn in front of him. Her eyes were hard and cold, fires igniting in those pinkish violet eyes. Then the flames were gone, as quickly as they had come. "But let's not talk about that show stealing..." Trixie shook herself. "Trixie will take you to the Canterlot Square. She hears that the Square has some of the best shops for young couples." Douche-Bag felt a sinking feeling. Another attempted hooking up?



    

If Douche-Bag had had the mana, he would've unleashed a Dragonshout, followed by a Nagasaki, straight into the face of the blue Unicorn beside him. If he was lucky, Douche-Bag would've been able to get her straight in the open mouth. Trixie never shut up. She talked for so long, so loud and it was all about her. All about how she made some spectacular show in one city or another. It just never ended. In Douche-Bag's opinion, if this Unicorn did have the hots for him then she would have to control her mouth. Maybe spend some time drawing in air instead of talking. Douche-Bag seriously had no idea how that mouth could continue to move, with no regard for the amount of air that she wasting. It didn't help that Trixie's voice was so loud and obnoxious that every pony in a five meter radius was turning their heads to stare at the loud mouthed-mare. Douche-Bag tried to tune out the mare to the best of his ability. But it was soooo hard to tune out some-pony whose voice seemed to worm its way into his ears and send itself directly into his brain. Though...The Stallion supposed the Mare next to him was attractive in her own way. She was...dominating yet charming. It was a nice change from Twilight's stammering and Celestia's giggling followed by a bad tempered tantrum. 

"Trixie wishes you would talk at least once." The egotistical Unicorn sighed, pausing at last to take a drink from the weird, cocktail looking thing she'd ordered. The pair were sitting outside one of the more reserved cafes in Canterlot's main square. Trixie had dragged him all through the city, sticking to the back alleys and side streets like some strange vigilante. Douche-Bag got the impression that the Mare was trying to avoid a certain pony...at least until she'd suddenly jerked him out into the open and over to the cafe. She'd pushed him down into the chair and ordered a "Cider Surprise" for the both of them. Trixie sipped her drink, her eyes tracking the various ponies as they walked past. "That being said," The mare mumbled her eyes moving over to Douche-Bag. "You do make for an attractive company Douche-Bag. Trixie finds you...intriguing." Douche-Bag blinked at her but said nothing. "Oh come on!" The Mare snapped, sitting up a little straighter. "The fact that Trixie even chose to speak to you should be an honor! Do you not know who Trixie is?" The Stallion watched her, his expression unmoving. The Mare snorted. "It's not fair..." Trixie sighed, her head falling onto the table with a hard thumping noise. "Every-pony knows about the famous, little-miss-perfect Twilight Sparkle and her band of pansy friends. Why can't Trixie ever get any publicity." Her eyes rolled over to look at Douche-Bag. "Trixie is grateful to you. You listen to Trixie instead of laughing in her face like most Ponies do these days." 

Douche-Bag blinked. There it was again! Trixie seemed fixated on Twilight Sparkle with a ferocity that reminded Douche-Bag of the hall Monitors at his old school in South Park, a roaming band of Gingers, all dedicated to protecting the tyrannical overlord teacher, Mr Mackey. Granted, Douche-Bag had kicked most of their asses during his adventures but they had protected their duty with something akin to a religious fanatic. Trixie was the same. It was like an obsession. Douche-Bag had seen that look in a mans eye before. It was a fire. A corrupted fire that burned through a persons heart, corrupting all who got in its path. Douche-Bag took a closer look at the Mare in front of him. Trixie and Twilight Sparkle were like two sides of the same coin. Twilight was a bookish pony, who disliked drawing attention to herself and would much rather stay in and read a book than go out and perform a magic show to earn bits. Trixie meanwhile, liked to draw attention to herself, talking as loudly as possible, always looking for a bigger and better crowd. The Mare in front of him liked to be the center of attention. From what he'd managed to gather about Trixie over the past several hours, Douche-Bag had guessed that Trixie was big into making money and attracting as many ponies to her show as possible. Maybe that was her way of making friends. In Douche-Bags opinion, Twilight's gentle prodding and questioning way of making friends was much better.

"DOUCHE-BAG!" Speak of the devil. Douche-Bag turned his head. Twilight Sparkle was galloping down the street, eyes wide in panic. Douche-Bag heard what he thought was a muffled oath and the sound of clopping, growing further away from him. Turning his head, Douche-Bag saw, to his surprise, that Trixie had vanished. Gone like a puff of smoke. The Violet Unicorn finally came to a skidding stop in front of Douche-Bag, spraying the stallion with a shower of dirt and stones. "Please tell me that was not who I thought it was?!" Twilight yelled, her eyes wide. Then they narrowed, becoming Violet slits. "For that matter Douche-Bag..." Twilight began, anger laced in every syllable. "WHERE IN CELESTIA'S NAME HAVE YOU BEEN!?"  





Princess Celestia stared at the crumpled roll of parchment that the guards had delivered to her just a few seconds ago. It was just five lines of text with two pictures attached. One picture was of a baby dragon, with purple scales and green spines, standing in front of a post office, carrying a pile of scrolls. The other was of the Orange furred Pony, the Stetson hat perched low over her eyes. She was standing in front of a dusty looking saloon. Celestia couldn't believe it. Two of her subjects and two of her closest friends did not just vanish into thin air. It wasn't normal. Especially these two. Neither of her agents had been successful in locating their targets. Every other agent had reported success in finding their targets and bringing them back to Canterlot. Yet these two...One being the Element of Honesty and one being her faithful students assistant. It was disturbing that these two had disappeared. The fact that none of her best agents could discern their whereabouts was even more worrying. It wasn't like those two to just up and leave without even saying the proper goodbyes. Celestia stared at the parchment for another few seconds then lent back against her throne. She had to think about this carefully. There were to many variables for her to make a rash decision....and yet...

"Wheels within wheels..." Celestia mused. She leaned forward and slid another photo onto the parchment. It showed Douche-Bag talking with the Blue maned Unicorn known as Trixie. Well Douche-Bag wasn't talking. She narrowed her eyes. "A Stallion with an unnatural power inside him. A power that even Luna and I are not immune to...whilst he is handsome..." she sighed and slid the parchment, along with all the photos, away from her. "Perhaps I am getting to riled up over nothing..." The Princess mumbled. Yet there was an uneasy feeling in the pits of stomach that told her she was mistaken....  
> Chapter 10
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The Train crawled its way slowly along the countryside, like a giant, multi-colored centipede, the different colored carriages shaking and banging slightly as the engine pulled them along. Steam and smoke gushed from the engine which was itself colored a bright shade of pink, as it chugged its way back to Ponyville. The Friendship Express as the train was affectionately known traveled across Equestria. Celestia had spared no expense for the two Mares and the silent Stallion traveling in the back carriage. It was expensively furnished, with thick, plush seats a screen on the door to provide privacy for the three occupants. There was even a member of the Royal Guard stationed outside the carriage. Since Twilight had found Douche-Bag, the irate Unicorn had dragged Douche-Bag back to the Castle, berating him the whole way. Most the shouting seemed to focused on how dangerous it was for Douche-Bag to be hanging around with Trixie. According to the violet Mare, Trixie had shown up in Ponyville, claiming to be the most proficient Unicorn in History...only to end up almost destroying the town. Douche-Bag had listened to Twilight ranting all through lunch then Shining Armor and the guards had packed him, Rarity and Twilight off to the Train Station. Princess Celestia had not attended the goodbyes and hugs that Shining Armor had bestowed upon him, Rarity and Twilight. She'd apparently been too busy with issues at her court though she'd sent her regards....with a red rose on a book for Douche-Bag. According to Shining-Armor, the rose was a token of Celestia's blessing whilst the book was from Luna. Now here he was, sitting opposite the two Mares as they berated him over hanging around with Trixie. 

"Darling, what in Equestria were you thinking?!" Demanded Rarity, her light blue magic levitating the large silver teapot that the Steward had brought her, filling up her small, silver teacup with steaming tea. "That...That ruffian," she shuddered dramatically, taking a sip. "She showed up, tries to pass herself off as the greatest Unicorn ever...And she turned my hair green!" The Unicorn placed a hoof to her forehead, giving a loud dramatic sigh falling back against the seat. Twilight frowned at her friend. "What?" Rarity asked, blushing at the violet Unicorns intensive glare. "My mane was the color of sewage darling! That kind of green was soooo disgusting. It was soooo unflattering to my beautiful fur and eyes." Twilight continued staring at the vain Unicorn. "W-Well...Well anyways.." The Alabaster Unicorn stammered, turning back to look at the Silent Stallion opposite her, as though keen to change the subject. "Why didn't you return to the castle Darling? It must've been so horrible, walking through the dark city all on your own." Douche-Bag blinked at her, his expression unchanging. Rarity gave another heavy, dramatic sigh. "Well...At least you're safe and sound dear. An you're away from that rude, fan-base obsessed Unicorn, Trixie!" She settled back into the plush seats and cushions, sipping comfortably from her dainty tea cup. Then she smiled after a while, as though an amusing thought had just occurred to her. "You know Douche-Bag," The Unicorn began with a sly grin at Twilight. "Twilight here was very upset when you didn't return last night you know." Twilight's head turned slightly, her eyes narrowed. "She kept pacing around your..."

"She's just being silly." Giggled Twilight, sticking her violet furred hoof into Rarity's mouth, smothering her friends snide comments. "For the record Douche-Bag," Twilight said quickly, whilst Rarity struggled to pull the violet hoof from over her mouth. "I was NOT pacing around your room, waiting for you to come back." Douche-Bag blinked. Twilight blushed, looking even more flustered than before. "I-I wasn't!" The Unicorn yelped, a pink tinge coloring her cheeks. "I-I wouldn't do something like that...I wouldn't." she insisted as Douche-Bag continued to stare at her. The Unicorn's blush was getting worse and worse, making her face look like badly mixed, plum ice cream. "In any case," Twilight yelped as both of her companions continued to watch her. "It's your fault for slipping away from us and getting lost!" she growled, pointing an accusatory hoof at Douche-Bag. "Why didn't you stay with us huh? I was hoping we could...um..." But Twilight's rant fizzled out and her whole face went bright red. "Um...we..could...we could..." Twilight's voice slowly quietened and the Violet Unicorn lowered her head. Silence began to reign between the three ponies, with the exception of Rarity's giggling and the soft, embarrassed whimpers of Twilight. Douche-Bag settled himself, eyeing the book on the small tea-table beside him. The rose that had apparently come from Celestia was seated beside it. The book had no cover and had just a simple, red leather covering. Douche-Bag wondered briefly what was in the book. He stretched out his hoof to  take the book when..."Douche-Bag?" Twilight was smiling at him. "When we get back to Ponyville, would you like to stay at the Library? I would...like it if you would..." She was blushing but looked excited. Douche-Bag simply stared at her. "W-Well...if you want too, the offer's there."  Twilight stammered. The train whistled again, the higher pitch indicating they were getting closer. 

"Ooh!" Rarity gasped, turning her head to look out of the window. "It looks like we're getting closer to Ponyville darlings." She squealed happily, pouring some more tea for all three of them. "I'm looking forward to seeing every-pony again." She smiled at Douche-Bag. "You'll like the rest of our friends darling. We simply have to introduce you to Rainbow-Dash!" Rarity's eyes shone with an excited light. "She'll love you! I mean.." the Alabaster Unicorn stammered as Twilight turned her head, an annoyed look on her face. "I mean she'll like your Strong and Silent Attitude. And your," Rarity wrinkled her nose slightly. "Your gas ability. Rainbow has always been a little...rougher than most Ponies." Twilight and Rarity exchanged a look with each other, both giving soft grins. Douche-Bag watched the pair of them, unmoving. Rarity smiled. "Well, I'm sure you'll get to meet most of the ponies in Ponyville during your first couple of days." She giggled. "Pinkie-Pie is sure to throw you one of her patented Welcome to Ponyville parties." She and Twilight sniggered quietly to each other again though once they saw that Douche-Bag was still watching them, his expression neutral, that the two mares stopped their sniggering. "W-Well." Rarity stammered. "W-We'll see what happens when we get there Darling." The Alabaster Unicorn gave another nervous giggle, slipped a fashion magazine out of the expensive saddle-bag that she had brought and disappeared behind it. Twilight continued to stare at Douche-Bag, though she looked away whenever Douche-Bag's eyes focused on her. The Stallion turned his head, watching as the little village continued to grow closer and closer. He supposed it would be interesting to stay in Ponyville...at least till he found a way home...though...

For the first time in his life, Douche-Bag found himself thinking more and more about the Violet Mare sitting in front of him and the Princes of the Sun in Canterlot. Douche-Bag had never cared much for girls. He'd always figured that his fart powers would've drive most girls away. What was it Cartman said. "Girls were either cootie-infested or just two-faced." But now...Douche-Bag turned his head slightly so that he could see Twilight out of the corner of his eye. She was pretty. And her nervous ticks around him were pretty cute. And if Douche-Bag was right, the violet Unicorn's offer to stay had more to it than Twilight just being friendly. And the way that Celestia had acted around him...Collecting him from his bedroom early, then getting annoyed when Twilight had interrupted her. Douche-Bag felt a twinge inside of him. Both Twilight and Celestia had fallen for him. But...Douche-Bag blinked, turning his head the whole way round. Twilight looked up and smiled at him, then blushed and looked down again. The violet Unicorn was attractive. Very attractive. Perhaps prime material for...Douche-Bag shook himself slightly. He was being stupid...incredibly stupid. There was no way that either of the two mares could've fallen for him in that way. The two mares had only known him a few days. Then again, Douche-Bag's abilities had been amplified since coming to Equestria. Maybe his hidden ability had changed from making friends to attracting females. Though if that was the case...then why was Rarity not falling head-over-hooves for him...Douche-Bag leaned his head back, sinking deep into thought as the train ploughed on, emitting another long, shrill whistle.



    

The Train finally pulled into the Ponyville station with a final blast of its whistle. Stepping down out of their carriage, Rarity, Twilight-Sparkle and Douche-Bag all stood around, peering through the thick clouds of smoke that had gathered around them. Most of the Ponies that had disembarked were making their way off the platform, some waving to friends, others simply stalking down the stairs. Douche-Bag was wondering why they hadn't done the same as the other arrivals when he noticed something. The smoke had started to clear by now, allowing him a slightly clearer view of the town. It was just like he remembered, all thatched cottages and cobbled streets. With one exception. A pink blur was speeding down the various streets, winding between the houses and market stalls, wind whistling as it flew. Whatever the thing was, it was moving almost impossibly fast. Then the Silent Stallion noticed something else. The blur was flying straight at them. As it got closer, Douche-Bag could see that the blur had four legs, pink fur and big blue eyes. And it was coming straight at him. Douche-Bag had a brief reminder of the times he'd been attacked in South Park, that rush right before he had to fight off a band of roaming elves or Nazi zombies...and then the thing hit him.  It was like being hit by block of concrete. The thing bowled him over, making him roll like a bouncy ball, over and over until something gripped his tail and he stopped, lying on his back. After a second, Douche-Bag opened his eyes. 

"Oh-my-gosh-are-you-new?-I-thought-you-must-be-new-because-I've-never-seen-you-around-here-before!" Shouted the Pink Earth pony that was suddenly in his face. Douche-Bag blinked. The Mare had a large, poofy mane, a wide smile and big blue eyes. Her smile seemed impossibly wide, like something out of a deranged cartoon. And that voice. It was bright and cheerful, each tooth shining like they'd been polished expertly. Though Douche-Bag was slightly more concerned with the fact that this pink Earth Pony seemed to be pinning him to the ground, nose to nose with him, one of her hooves on either side of his head. "I-think-you-must-be-new-because-I've-never-seen-you-around-before.-oh-did-I-say-that-already?-I'M-just-so-excited-about-meeting-a-new-pony-cause-new-ponies-are-so-much-fun-to-meet!" The words fired out of the mares mouth like bullets from a machine gun. The Mare continued jabbering her body pinning Douche-Bag to the ground. Tilting his head to the side, Douche-Bag could see Rarity and Twilight-Sparkle both sniggering at the predicament he was stuck in. Eventually, Twilight managed to regain enough of her composure to levitate the still jabbering Earth Pony off of Douche-Bag and plonking her down beside Rarity. 

"Pinkie-Pie, please be nice to Douche-Bag." The Violet Unicorn chided gently, still holding the jabbering pink pony in her magic. "Douche-Bag has only just arrived in Equestria and I don't think he appreciates being knocked over." Twilight waited until the jabbering Earth Pony had stopped jabbering, then set her down. She was still grinning widely but no longer attempted to dive at Douche-Bag. Now that the Mare had been dragged off him, Douche-Bag could see that this Pinkie-Pie's fur was a bright shade of pink, to match her poofy mane and tail. Upon the mares flank was emblazoned a trinity of Balloons that made up her cutie mark. Something to do with Celebrations? Rarity had mentioned that Pinkie-Pie was a party pony. Twilight smiled, leading the excitable Earth Pony a little closer to Douche-Bag. The silent Stallion that Pinkie-Pie was practically vibrating in place, possibly from attempting to restrain herself from diving at Douche-Bag again. Though as soon as she got close enough, the Pink mare grabbed Douche-Bags hoof and began shaking the appendage hard enough for it to hurt.

"Hiya Douche-Bag!" Pinkie-Pie exclaimed loudly, shaking the hoof harder and harder. "I'm Pinkie-Pie! It's great meet ya!" She stopped the hoof-shake, leaving Douche-Bag staring at his foreleg. The limb was smoking slightly. The silent Stallion gingerly placed his hoof on the ground, causing a painful sting and looked up at the Pink Pony as she bounced around him. Now that Douche-Bag noticed it, the Pink pony's hooves seemed to bend slightly, like a marshmallow being squashed between a persons fingers and then pushed back up again, propelling the excitable mare a few centimeters into the air. As the mare did this, her hooves made a soft and very precise, bonging noise, like something out of a child cartoon. She stopped after a while, her grin still as wide as ever before and giggled. "Ya don't talk to much do ya, buddy? That alright!  Some Mares go for the tough guy act." Pinkie-Pie's mane suddenly flattened itself and what appeared to be stubble materialized on the lower part of her face. "Bwah! I'm so tough I don't need to talk!" Douche-Bag blinked as the Mares face morphed back into its normally shape and color.  He was frozen. The sheer impossibility of how the mare could change her body structure had stunted his thinking processes. He stood there, rigid, watching the ink pony as she hopped around in front of him. Suddenly, the pink Mare stopped, impossibly in mid-air and gasped loudly. "I just forgot!" she cried out. "Rainbow-Dash told me to bring you girls...and guys," she added, looking over at the still frozen Douche-Bag. "Anyways, she told me to bring to that old barn out in the fields! C'mon." With a rush, rather like that of an airplane, the Party Pony zoomed off down the road. 

"Well....that was Pinkie-Pie." Chuckled Twilight, giving Douche-Bag a nudge. Douche-Bag stared after the pony. "Yeah...Pinkie seems able to do the impossible." Giggled Twilight, gently prodding the silent Stallion. "Come on Douche-Bag." the violet mare, signalling to Rarity who had been giggling into her hoof for the entirety of the conversation. "Let's go and see what Rainbow-Dash wants us to see." Twilight and Rarity both shared a grin. "Knowing her," The violet Unicorn giggled, keeping a soft pressure on Douche-Bag's side to keep the stupefied Stallion moving. "It'll probably be something to incorporate into her flying shows." She glanced at the Silent Stallion beside her, grinning widely now. "I think she'll like you Douche-Bag. She's never met a pony that can do tricks with his...gas before."



 

The party of three continued along until they reached the clearing that Pinkie-Pie had told them about. It was a large building, though showing its age. There were holes in  the walls and ceiling, through which the broken support timbers could be shown. The door was hanging off its hinges, swinging gently off one of the rusted hinges. Douche-Bag, Twilight and Rarity all stood there, the two mares frowning. It was hard to tell if Pinkie-Pie had been setting the three of them up for one of her elaborate pranks. Twilight and Rarity traded glances with each other, remembering some of the pranks that the Pink, Party Pony had played on them. Here, the Mares were doubly sure that there was some form of hilarious trap waiting for them inside. It was with some trepidation therefore, that the three ponies made their way towards the ramshackle barn. Twilight stopped just as she reached the door. Then she turned to Douche-Bag and placed a hoof on his chest, stopping the silent Stallion from entering. She gave him a sheepish grin.

"Listen Douche-Bag." The violet mare began slowly, her strained grin widening slightly. "Pinkie-Pie..is a prankster. She may be as friendly as pie most of the time but she can be prone to prank you when you least expect it. I just want you to be careful OK?" Douche-Bag blinked at her. "Well OK then." Twilight said, giving a sigh of resolution. She turned and strode into the barn. There was a moments silence. "What in Equestria..." Douche-Bag and Rarity traded glances, then followed Twilight inside. Both of them froze mid-stride. A Cyan furred Pegasus was hanging from the rafters, her legs bound to her body and a length of cloth over her mouth. Her rainbow mane and tail were also looped to her body with coils of rope. The bound Mare glared at the assembled party, letting loose a stream of muffled obscenities. Twilight glanced back at the other two ponies with her, then looked up at the mare a soft blush on her face. "Rainbow-Dash..." The violet mare began slowly. "I know you like to do this in your spare time but I thought you promised not to do any kinky stuff anywhere near Ponyville!"  
> Chapter 11
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The cyan furred Pegasus let out a series of muffled grunts as she struggled against the ropes binding her. Twilight, Douche-Bag and Rarity stared up at her as Rainbow Dash struggled, the force of her thrashing making her cyan body swing slightly. The ropes creaked but held her tight. Twilight turned to look at her companions, a light blush on her face. Rarity, in true dramatic fashion had hidden her face behind her hooves, her whole face changing from its normal alabaster to a rather ugly shade of red. Douche-Bag meanwhile, was staring past the tied up Pegasus. The length of rope that Rainbow Dash had used to tie herself up was looped around her in a criss-cross fashion, looping around each leg and under her mid-section designed to tighten the moment it was pulled taught. The length of rope was stretching high into the air, held in place by several brackets attached to the ceiling. The rope disappeared behind the higher level banister. And unless he was very mistaken, something was glinting, half hidden in the gloomy rafters...Ignoring the muffled obscenities the kinky Pegasus was throwing at him, Douche-Bag walked past Twilight, his eyes searching for anything useful. There! His eyes picked out several small bundles of hay, all arranged in neat, square packages. Each were tied with frayed ropes...Douche-Bag gripped one of the hay packages and pulled it out, leaving it just under the Pegasus. He repeated this until he'd accumulated a sizable pile. 

"Douche-Bag? What are you doing?" Twilight demanded, watching the silent stallion as he maneuvered the hay bales around. Rainbow Dash growled behind her gag, glaring daggers at Douche-Bag. The Stallion ignored the three mares, carefully moving his way around the walls of the barn, occasionally putting his hoof through the rotten timbers until finally, he tapped one of the panels. A rusty ladder slid down the wall, appearing as though by magic. "Douche-Bag?" Twilight asked. Douche-Bag ignored her, awkwardly climbing the few rungs to the udder floor. The Stallion disappeared as he climbed over the lip of the rotten banister, wriggling up onto the rotten timbers. Twilight turned her attention back to her bound up friend, her eyes looking over the harness. Well..." The violet Unicorn said slowly, her eyes flickering over the rope harness. "I can use my magic to cut the ropes holding you up but without knowing how you made that harness..." Twilight's monologue was interrupted by the Pegasus's muffled growl. The Pegasus was blushing thickly, wiggling her form like a worm. "Rainbow Dash!" Twilight squealed angrily, taking a step back. "This is not the time for that...well maybe not right now but.." The Unicorns flustered outbursts were interrupted by a loud creaking noise. Douche-Bag's head had appeared over the end of the banisters. "What in Equestria are you doing Douche-Bag?" Twilight demanded. Then she noticed it. Douche-Bag had discovered a little pulley and motor system, half hidden by a little pile of hay. The ropes Rainbow Dash was tied up in were stemming from the little spool attached to the motor. Douche-Bag raised a hoof and pressed it against the motor. "D-Douche-Bag...I don't think that's very...!"

CRACK

Douche-Bag's hoof smashed into the old motor. The spool of rope, made of old wood, cracked easily under the force of his blow. The spool span high into the air, crashing into one of the rusted brackets holding up the rope. The brackets tore away, one after the other until the Pegasus, no longer supported by the ropes, tumbled onto the hay with a loud puff of dust and hay. Twilight stared as Douche-Bag made his way back down towards them. She hadn't even seen the motor. It was like Douche-Bag had night vision. He was able to see every little detail of the gloomy barn. Shining Armor was the only one who had the same sort of vision. It was like Shining Armor's "Tactical vision." Douche-Bag was able to pick out elements of the environment and use them to his advantage. Though...Twilight shook her head, moving over to the still tied up Pegasus, who was bouncing around on the hay pile, muffled obscenities streaming from behind the cloth gag. Gripping the knots with her magic, Twilight set about untying her friend. The moment the ropes fell away, the Pegasus jumped up, tore the gag off her face and charged at Douche-Bag, pinning him against the wall, her pinkish-red eyes narrowed in anger, her teeth bared in a predatory snarl. Despite the angry look, Douche-Bag could still see the faint blush on the Pegasus's cheeks. 

"No...Pony...hears...about...this...Bub!" The Pegasus growled, pushing her face against the Silent Stallion's. Douche-Bag blinked at her, slightly surprised by the speed of the Pegasus. "You understand me?" Demanded the cyan Pegasus, her eyes narrowing again. Rainbow Dash had the sort of voice that, whilst female, seemed both young and old at the same time. It was firm and strong, though seemed to be constantly on the verge of breaking, like she was going to either go through puberty or cry. Her mane and tail were cut in a jagged fashion and her cyan fur brought out the bright colors of her rainbow mane and tail. She pressed her face slightly closer to Douche-Bags. "You deaf or something bro?" The Pegasus growled angrily. Douche-Bag blinked again. This seemed to enrage the Pegasus even more, as she suddenly pulled away from him and whirled to Twilight and Rarity. "Who the hay is this Twilight?" she demanded. The Unicorn, looking slightly annoyed, moved over, her purple magic gripping the brash Pegasus by the ear. "Owowowow! Leggo of my ear!" demanded the Pegasus, trying hard to pull away from the painful grip on her sensitive ear. Twilight dragged her friend over to a secluded corner and whispered into her friends ear, still held in Twilight's powerful grip. After several minutes of harsh whispering, Twilight dragged the complaining Pegasus back over to Douche-Bag. 

"Now then." Twilight growled, sounding like she was trying very hard not to shout. "This...is Rainbow Dash." Twilight's magic faded from the grumbling mares ear. "She can be a little brash, a little..." Douche-Bag tilted his head slightly, his eyes flickering over the pile of ropes behind them. Twilight blushed. "Y-Yes Rainbow Dash can be a bit brash and hot-headed but she has a good heart." she turned to Rainbow Dash. "Now then...Don't you have something to say to Douche-Bag?" Rainbow Dash gave a loud grumble, her head turned away as she massaged her sore ear. "Rainbow Dash?!" Twilight demanded angrily. "Don't you have something to say to Douche-Bag?" She repeated. The Pegasus sighed in annoyance. She reminded Douche-Bag of child who wasn't getting her way. "Rainbow?!" Twilight's voice had started to rise again. The Pegasus flinched slightly. Then, finally, she opened her mouth.



  

The pink Party Pony bounced up the road, a happy grin on her face. Pinkie-Pie was always a happy Mare. It was what made her so charming, or at least that was what Twilight told her. Twilight always had big words to describe different things. Most were so big that Pinkie often had no idea what they meant but she guessed that they meant something good. As the pink Mare bounced along the road, already thinking about Douche-Bags welcome to Ponyville party, she noticed a Pony standing by the road. Her newest friend had returned. He was clad in a black cloak, under which could be seen brown fur. His pinprick like eyes were watching the old barn in the distance. As usual, the Stallion was wearing his trademark headband with a fake skull on it. Pinkie let a soft giggle escape her as she bounced to a stop beside him. She'd met the stallion a few weeks ago, on her journey back to Ponyville. Whilst he was charming in his own way, Pinkie-Pie couldn't understand why he wouldn't come to one of her parties. Every-Pony in the area knew that to miss a Pinkie-Pie Party was tantamount to a deadly sin in Ponyville. But then again, Twilight did say it wasn't a good idea when making friends to be pushy. Being pushy was something that drove away potential friends. 

"Hiya!" She squealed in delight, coming to a stop in front of him. "What're you doing here? I thought ya couldn't make it to my party." The Stallion blinked at her calmly. Pinkie giggled. "Are ya suuuuure you can't come? Douche-Bag'll be excited to meet a new friend." The Stallions eyes flickered slightly, his lips curling into a snarl. Pinkie giggled playfully. "Aw! Don't be like that! I'm sure you'll have fun if you come along!" The Stallion opened his mouth to talk. A loud voice shouted out. Pinkie turned her head and felt a wide smile spread across her face. Twilight-Sparkle, Rainbow-Dash, Rarity and Douche-Bag were all walking up the road. "Hey, they're just in time." Pinkie squealed turning to look at her friend. "You can meet them all at....last..." The Stallion had vanished, as if by magic. Pinkie sighed but kept her wide smile. "Well...Later then." giggled Pinkie, turning to join her friends. As the pink Pony bounced down the road, the Stallion reappeared from behind the tree, his illusion magic dissipating. His eyes narrowed, hatred boiling in his eyes. It was him! After all his new colleague had done to banish that son of a bitch! He was still alive! A zombie Chef couldn't kill him, an army of evil warriors couldn't slow him and even a dimensional vortex trap from another world couldn't stop him! The Stallion felt anger boiling up inside of him, bubbling like acid. What would it take for him to be rid of Douche-Bag? 





"So you're called Douche-Bag huh?" Rainbow Dash asked as she, Twilight, Rarity and Douche-Bag made their way along the dusty road. After the brash Pegasus had, grudgingly, apologized for threatening him, the group had left the barn and headed towards Ponyville. The Pegasus was walking beside Douche-Bag, her eyes traveling from Douche-Bag's calm eyes to his body. "And he doesn't talk much huh?" she asked, her eyes rolling to look at Twilight. The violet Unicorn nodded, smiling. "That's pretty hot..I mean cool!" Rainbow Dash stammered. Douche-Bag blinked at the flustered Pegasus. "So...yeah." The Pegasus smiled at him, jumping into the air and doing two or three loop-the-loops. "I'm Rainbow Dash! The best flier in Equestria." Douche-Bag blinked at her. "Well...that was a cruddy reaction." The Pegasus said in annoyance, dropping back to the ground. "I'm used to more...awe-struck reactions!" She gave a shrug. Douche-Bag continued to stare at her. "Do you have to do that?" The Pegasus asked in annoyance. "Normally I like ponies staring at me but..." Twilight and Rarity both started giggling whilst Douche-Bag simply blinked at her. "T-That came out wrong!" The Pegasus stammered, stamping her hoof in frustration. "I only meant...argh! It doesn't matter!"  It was the sound of the wind whistling that Douche-Bag first noticed. It was an all to familiar noise to him. 

"RAINBOW-DAAAAAAASH!" Douche-Bag took several steps away from Rainbow-Dash just as the familiar pink blur crashed into the Pegasus. As he'd suspected, it was Pinkie-Pie, who'd been speeding directly towards them. He could still see the dust trail that the Party Pony had kicked up in her haste to knock the rainbow maned Mare over. "Oh-my-goodness-Dashie-its-been-so-long-since-I-last-saw-ya-we-need-to-have-a-party-to-celebrate!"  Pinkie Pie exclaimed happily. Rainbow Dash gave a nervous chuckle,trying hard to push off the hyperactive pink Pony. Douche-Bag could see that the Pegasus was sweating, looking slightly embarrassed by the affection that her hyperactive  was showing towards her. Douche-Bag felt the beginnings of irritation building inside of him. It was just like falling into a children's cartoon. The pink Ponies attitude was like a permanent sugar rush. It would take him a lot of time to get used to these ponies attitudes. They were all like different levels of crazy on the crazy spectrum. This was going to be a long day...
> Chapter 12
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	It took about twenty-five minutes to drag Pinkie-Pie off of Rainbow-Dash and even longer to get the pink Mare to explain what she had been thinking, tricking Rarity, Twilight and Douche-Bag into seeing the Pegasus in such a compromising position. The Party Pony had just shrugged, giving one of her more aggravating smiles. Twilight, in an effort to diffuse the tension that had built, partly due to Rainbow-Dash losing her temper with Pinkie-Pie spying on her during the Pegasus's..."Private Time," had suggested that they take a trip into Ponyville to help their new Silent Stallion friend get acclimatized to the village. Douche-Bag had only seen the Library when he'd first arrived. It had taken some persuasion to get the rainbow maned Pegasus to stop growling at Pinkie and had taken a lot more persuasion to stop the Pegasus in question from trying to get Douche-Bag to talk. Though Rainbow-Dash was known to be a Pegasus who never gave up at things, when something didn't work after three or four tries, the Pegasus tended to get annoyed and bad tempered. It was with some effort therefore, that Rainbow-Dash strode calmly beside Twilight and Rarity, biting her lip with the strain of asking Douche-Bag any kind of question. The pair of Unicorns were talking their silent friend through the various shops and streets in Ponyville. 

Douche-Bag had to admit it. Ponyville was no South Park. There was no City Wok, nor was there any Big Jimbo's Gun shop but the little village had a charm of its own. Twilight delighted in taking the Silent Stallion over to the Quill and Sofa shop, a business that sold...Quills and Sofa's. Rarity dragged him over to what appeared to be a jewelry shop, the inside of which looked more like the inside of a treasure chest than a shop. Jeweled broaches and glittering necklaces on every available stand and display. They didn't stay very long however, once they discovered that Rarity had only brought them here to attempt, very badly, to convince Douche-Bag to buy something for her, "like every gentle-colt should." Next was one of Rainbow-Dash's and Pinkie-Pie's favorite places to visit in Ponyville. The Prank Parlor. This was a building with a checkered hat-like design. From what they'd talked about, Douche-Bag had discovered that both Pinkie-Pie and Rainbow-Dash were the neighborhood pranksters, pulling pranks that ranged from giving Spike, Twilight's dragon assistant, the hiccups and getting Twilight to turn her bed into a giant pumpkin. The group spent quite a while here, as Pinkie and Rainbow were keen to stock up on prankster supplies. Finally, the group of four had arrived at one of their favorite places. Sugar-cube Corner, the local sweet shop. 

Douche-Bag hadn't blinked once when he'd been abducted...Well he'd winced once that anal probe had gone up into him but that was a story for another time. The Silent Stallion had been comfortable navigating a alien spacecraft full of bloodthirsty aliens. He'd walked across the whole of South Park, combating other kids his age who'd all had the Shoot first and ask questions later attitude. It was slightly disconcerting for him therefore to have the many residents of Ponyville all smile and wave at him. They didn't even make random comments as they passed him like the residents of South Park had. It was even more disconcerting to see Sugar-cube Corner. It was like stepping straight into a fairy-tail. The building looked like it was comprised of several different pastries and desserts, including a doughnut, a cupcake and several other sugary pastries. The inside of the store was what you might expect of the cake shop. Several tables and chairs, including the typical wall chairs with comfortable cushions lined the room with a large, glass counter in one corner, the inside showing off the latest brands of cupcakes. It was so colorful, with decorations and ribbons all over, that Douche-Bag was sure that he'd get a sugar rush simply by setting hoof in the place. Nevertheless, Twilight took his hoof, blushing in the process and led the silent Stallion over to a booth. Now here he was, sandwiched between Rainbow Dash and Twilight, slurping from large milkshakes that Pinkie-Pie had conjured for them. Twilight had paid for Douche-Bag's chocolate milkshake, claiming that he "owed her a little something later." Whatever that meant. 

"So, Darling!" Exclaimed Rarity, clinking her vanilla milkshake with Pinkies strawberry one. "Now that you've seen some of the wonders of this quaint little town, what do you intend to do now?" Douche-Bag blinked at her, his eyes watching as she daintily sipped from the drink. "I mean, I don't suppose you have anywhere to stay, do you Darling?" The alabaster Unicorn asked, a sly gleam in her eyes. As she spoke, Douche-Bag noticed that the Violet Unicorn sitting next to him, who had previously sitting relaxed, was now sitting bolt upright, her pinkish-violet eyes drilling into Rarity. The other two ponies sitting with them had frozen too. Rainbow-Dash was looking between her two friends, a worried look on her face. Douche-Bag knew the feeling. It wasn't his style to get bogged down. Hell, he wouldn't even travel with the same partner every day. It wouldn't be a good idea to caught in a love triangle with two love-struck Mares. Though from the look on the Rainbow maned Pegasus's face, that might be what was going to happen. "I mean..." Rarity began again, sipping from her drink again. "I could always put you up at the Boutique. I have plenty of room and you could..." Twilight's hoof came down on the table, making the table shake slightly and the drinks clatter. 

"NO!" The Violet Unicorn growled, so loudly that several other diners turned to look at her. Twilight blushed but resumed her glare at the alabaster Unicorn. "Douche-Bag is going to have his own home!" Twilight hissed, leaning in across the table. The glare on her face was so frightening even Rainbow-Dash pulled back slightly, her eyes widened. The brash Pegasus had only ever known Twilight to get this angry once or twice in the time she'd known the studious Unicorn. Rarity also looked shocked, retreating and stammering slightly. When the alabaster Unicorn again attempted to reply, Twilight cut her off, placing her hoof over Douche-Bags. "Princess Celestia thought it best for Douche-Bag to have his own...privacy. Give him more room to spread out."  Rarity stared at her, then opened her mouth, obviously trying one last time to protest but Twilight held up a hoof. "If Celestia wants him to stay in his own home then that decision has already been settled." The violet Unicorn snapped, cutting off the rest of the conversation. Rarity settled back into her chair, slurping on her milkshake rather moodily. Rainbow, looking slightly unnerved turned to her friend. 

"So Twilight," The Pegasus chuckled, eyeing Twilight's hoof which was still on Douche-Bag's preventing the silent Stallion from pulling it away. "You two lovebirds or something?" She sniggered at the thick blush that suddenly spread across the Unicorns face, turning her violet fur into a rather ugly Plum color. "Honestly Twilight." She turned to Pinkie who was also giggling like a little filly. "It's always the quiet ones you wanna watch." Now Rarity was giggling, whilst Twilight was glaring at the three of them, her cheeks burning a bright and brighter shade of pink. "I thought Twilight was hiding something under that Egg-head attitude of hers." The Pegasus giggled, eyeing Douche-Bag now. "And Douche-Bag is certainly the looker. I'd let him have a bounce on my flank if..."

"Rainbow-Dash!" Twilight interrupted, her whole face turning red now. "Please keep your voice down." She waved her hooves in front of her face as if trying to beat away invisible flies. "Besides," Twilight stammered hurriedly. "I would never think of doing that with Douche-Bag! He and I are just friends." Rainbow's only reply was to grin a little wider. "I haven't...wouldn't!" Twilight insisted, sweat beginning to bead on her forehead. "He and I are just friends Rainbow! Seriously!" Rainbow tilted her head to the side, her grin still as wide as ever. Twilight glared at her brash friend, her eyes narrowing. "Douche-Bag!" she turned to the Stallion, who had been watching the events unfold around him silently, his eyes wide. "I'm sure you'd like to go out and explore Ponyville on your own and acquaint yourself with the town on your own. Why don't you go have a wander around while I have a few words with my friends." She gave him a friendly grin that faded when she glared at her friends. The other mares were still giggling together. Douche-Bag, not wanting to be the center of attention of full on Mare-rant, slid out of the seat and trotted off. Just as he shut the door, Douche-Bag clearly heard the words: "Will you stop teasing me? So I like him? Is that the excuse you needed to lose your heads over?!" Douche-Bag stopped just as the door to Sugar-cube Corner swung shut. Twilight liked him?          





Douche-Bag strode through the streets of Ponyville, deep in thought, trying hard not to bump into an unsuspecting pony and start a fight. From his experiences in South Park, bumping into ponies without thinking might end up in disaster. Twilight-Sparkle liked him? Was that the reason why she blushed whenever she and Douche-Bag were in close together? He supposed it made sense with his power of friend-making. But then again...He shook himself. He was being stupid. The girls from South Park had claimed he was good-looking and attractive purely because he didn't talk. And, whatever Cartman said, a lot of the girls from South Park were intelligent. Maybe Douche-Bags powers had evolved from friend-making too the attraction of intelligent ponies. It wouldn't have been the worst thing that had had happened to him. But...Douche-Bag stopped in the middle of the street. It wasn't normally like him to be hesitant about anything. He'd been shrunk down to the size of a rat once and hadn't even batted an eyelid. But this? Having an actual girlfriend? It was...strange thought, especially for him. Part of him knew that he couldn't keep the relationship, if he found a way home...but...Twilight was a pretty mare. Douche-Bag rolled his eyes. He'd think about it later. 

"Hey! Mister!" called a voice. Douche-Bag turned. A filly was running up the street towards him, grinning widely. It was a Pegasus, with bright orange fur and a purple mane and tail. "Heya Mister!" The filly said brightly, coming to a rest beside him. The filly had a cheerful, light-hearted voice though it was difficult at first to tell whether the filly was a girl or a boy. The voice seemed to cross between the two genders. The filly smiled up at him. "I'm Scootaloo !" The filly declared, tapping a tiny hoof against her barrel. "I heard about you Mister Douche-Bag! Rainbow-Dash said you were hanging around for a few days." The filly smiled up at Douche-Bag, the wide grin never faltering. The filly reminded the silent Stallion strongly of Rainbow-Dash. The filly certainly seemed to idolize her, based on the amount of times that she'd Rainbow Dash's name. "So Rainbow-Dash said you're a bad-ass who doesn't talk much huh?" Douche-Bag stared at her. The filly's grin seemed to widen. "You're almost as cool as Rainbow-Dash!" she trilled, skipping lightly around him. "I bet if you and Rainbow-Dash got together...but nah!" The filly seemed oblivious to the fact that Douche-Bag was still staring at her. "Hey!" Scootaloo gasped as though a thought had just occurred to her. "You've gotta come meet my friends. The Cutie Mark Crusaders'll love you!" The filly smiled widely. "C'mon Mister Douche-Bag, I'll show you where to go!"

The walk was a short one. Scootaloo had led Douche-Bag out of Ponyville and down a long, dirt track which came to a stop in front of a large grove of trees. Each tree was holding a large quantity of apples with some being Golden Delicious an others being Braeburn apples. Scootaloo had explained that her friend, AppleBloom lived on the orchard and farmed the apples. It was better choice of life, farming for apples rather than having an army of Nazi-Zombie cows stopping you from doing any work, as the local Rancher in South Park had suffered with. Leading him through the maze of apple-trees, Scootaloo chatted to him, though the subject always ended up with how Rainbow-Dash was the best at it. Douche-Bag was right in thinking that the filly idolized the Rainbow maned Pegasus. Finally, the pair arrived in a clearing. Sat atop a rather thick tree was what looked like a a box, constructed from wood. A ramp ran all the way around the tree, connecting to a small door, about Scootaloos size. Douche-Bag could see a square shaped hole in the side of the wooden box, with several small pots with flowers sticking out of them. A tree house? Douche-Bag was briefly reminded of the elf-kingdoms base in South Park, before the Orange filly standing beside him gave his side a tap. 

"This is the club house for the Cutie Mark Crusaders." Scootaloo said happily. She took the first step up the flat ramp, grinning down at the Silent Stallion. "The Cutie Mark Crusaders are dedicated to finding our Cutie Marks." the tomboyish filly said, showing her blank flank to Douche-Bag. "We've tried a lot of stuff Douche-Bag but i think we've got something that you could help us with. C'mon up." Douche-Bag hesitated for a second, wondering what the filly could've thought up, then followed her up the ramp anyway. It was only a group of fillies. What was the worst that could happen. He followed up the ramp until he came to the tree-house. Scootaloo smiled. "Just give me a sec to check if the other girls are ready." the filly turned and walked inside. Douche-Bag settled himself by the door. After about a minute, Douche-Bag's ears perked. Some-pony was...moaning? The noises were coming from inside the tree-house. Douche-Bag, feeling his natural curiosity getting the better of him, stood and placed his ear against the door. "uh...uh...c'mon AppleBloom." he heard Scootaloo complain. "I...can't...get on...top.!" Douche-Bag's eyes widened. No...It couldn't be...they couldn't have meant....

"Aw..give me a break Scoots.." Complained another filly's voice, sounding more like a southern kid, in a stark contrast to Scootaloo's voice. "Ah can't keep this position forever. Ya know that.." The voice sounded tired, interspersed with noises of effort. Douche-Bag took a step backwards, feeling slightly sick. "Scoots...try it from that way. That'll get it in right." Douche-Bag stumbled backwards, slipping head over hooves down the slide. He got up and staggered off, not in the mood to hear anymore. A few seconds later, a filly with cream-yellow fur and a crimson mane, a bright pink bow on her head, poked her head out of the door, watching the retreating form of Douche-Bag. "Aw...Nice Job Scoots! Ya scared him off! Now he won't be any help with our gymnastic practice!"      .  
> Chapter 13
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Douche-Bag wasn't sure how long he'd been running. All he knew was that when he stopped, he was far away from that clubhouse and the group of Cutie-Mark-Crusaders...who seemed more interested in losing their virginity with each other. Douche-Bag shook himself. It was the same thing all over again. People or ponies, it didn't matter. They were all interested in sex. Sex, sex, sex! It was bad enough around South-Park with people doing everything from a striptease to fucking a fully grown male horse in a gimp-mask. It never ended. Douche-Bag thought he'd left all the strangeness behind him at last, an odd feeling considering he now had the body of a turquoise pony, but still...was it to much to ask for a break from perversion? Douche-Bag stopped to catch his breath, leaning against a tree. The fillies reminded the silent Unicorn of the resident pervert of South-Park, the aptly named: Mister Slave. Douche-Bag still felt his body crawl with revulsion at the memory of Mister Slave....and his asshole. Douche-Bag was sure you could know a guy well enough, without the added horror of being forced to go up same mans asshole and taking spelunking through the perverts body to try and stop a nuclear device.  It was such horrendous mission, Douche-Bag had thought, he'd never get the smell of shit out of his hair and skin. 

It was at that point that Douche-Bag actually decided to look up to check where he was. It would've been a bad idea to get lost in an Orchard, with little to no idea about how to get back to Ponyville. He was standing by a long, dirt track road, the bright sun bleaching the rocks of the path, turning them a crisp, golden color. They crunched under Douche-Bags hooves as he stepped onto the path and looked around. He must've run farther than he'd thought. The silent Stallion could only just make out the tips of Ponyvilles town hall in the distance. It would take the silent Unicorn about an hour to walk back. Then again...Douche-Bag supposed it couldn't hurt to take the long way back. It might give his new friends some time to calm down. The silent Stallion was certainly not in the mood to be caught in another conflict on who was going to go out with him. It was either take a long walk and get a break from those two mares or try and retrace his steps back to the clubhouse... And a long walk might give him some time to think. Douche-Bag made his decision. With the warm sun streaming down onto him, the silent Stallion began the long trot back to Ponyville. As he walked, Douche-Bag thought back the violet Unicorn he had met on his first day in Ponyville. Had she wanted him to stay with her? Was that the reason for her hostility when Rarity suggested her home for Douche-Bag?  It wouldn't be a bad thing to stay with Twilight, he supposed. She was fairly intelligent Unicorn after all....





"Was that really necessary Twilight?" Demanded Rarity, trying to smooth out the creases and sticking hairs in her mane. Rainbow-Dash and Pinkie-Pie both shared a similar sounding grumble. Both were sporting marks of Twilight's punishments, with several patches of their fur coats sticking out, their manes messed up and sticking about in crazy styles. Rainbow-Dash's mane had been magically fluffed until it looked like a rainbow Afro instead of her usual lightning jagged cut. Pinkie-Pie's mane stuck out in needle like points, making the Party-Pony look like a pink porcupine. Only Pinkie was smiling at her friends antics, waving at the various ponies who strode past their little group, some giggling at the ridiculous looks Pinkie, Rarity and Rainbow were now sporting. Twilight trotted beside them, smirking confidently. "I mean, we were only joking darling!" Rarity complained, trying hard to bounce her mane back into its usual styled curl. Instead, the length of purple hair simply flopped like a wet sheet of paper over the Alabaster Unicorn's eyes. Twilight's magic had been used to full effect on her friends, their punishments for tormenting her about her feelings for Douche-Bag. "This is just a crime against my mane Darling!" The Alabaster Unicorn whined. Twilight snorted as she trotted beside her fussy friend. 

"Well you shouldn't have teased me like that Rarity." Twilight snapped. "You know I don't like being teased about things like that." She looked past Rarity at the other two. "And that goes for you two as well. Douche-Bag may not talk but that doesn't mean he doesn't have any feelings. You might've made him feel uncomfortable." Rainbow opened her mouth to argue but Twilight carried on with her rant, cutting the Pegasus's attempts at protesting short. "So from now on, no more of this talk around him okay? It's not something I feel comfortable talking about around him."  Her friends all gave grumbles. "That's all well and good then." Twilight said briskly, quickening her step. The four mares had been walking through the town for the past hour, though their travels were now taking the group of four out of the town, following a familiar, dirt-track road. "So," Twilight began, in a ringing tone. "I think one of the next things we should do is make our way towards Douche-Bag's accommodations." With a poof of her purple magic, Twilight summoned a small roll of parchment. Unfurling the scroll, she poofed a quill and ticked off one of the several boxes inscribed upon it. "Get a checklist..check!" Rainbow-Dash groaned. Twilight was known for this. "Next...check out Douche-Bag's living arrangements..." She stopped. "Now that I think about it, the Princess seemed way to quick to provide him with living arrangements..." The violet Unicorn stopped. "It was like she knew he was going to come....I wonder if that's..." 

"Is that house Douche-Bags?" Pinkie squealed in delight. Twilight stopped her thought trail to follow Pinkie's hoof. "It looks awesome." Pinkie-Pie squealed in delight. Twilight had to admit it. Pinkie was right. It was a normal looking cottage, with a thatched roof made of yellow straw. The whole cottage was built of cream wood, each window painted with what appeared to be vines and flowers. "Eee! Let's take a look inside." Pinkie giggled, bouncing over to the door. The cottage was built with a wide, front porch. After a few rattles of the door, Pinkie nudged her way into the house. "Shouldn't that have been locked?" The Pink party Pony chuckled as she pushed the door fully open. Twilight frowned. She had learned long ago that Pinkie-Pie had a strange ability that allowed her to ignore the laws of physics but... The inside of the cottage was just as quaint as the outside. The front door led into a large kitchen area, complete with stove and kettle. The lounge was large and spacious with a cavernous log fire at one end. "SWAAAAAAANKY!" Pinkie-pie squealed, zooming up the stairs to check out the bedrooms. "Even more Swanky!" The Party-Pony's voice sounded down the stairs. Whilst Rainbow-Dash followed Pinkie and Rarity complained at how common the curtains and carpets were, Twilight looked around. Something was...missing.  The violet Unicorn was pretty sure Celestia would've left a message or even a guard to let her know if the place was ready for Douche-Bag. Suddenly, the Unicorn noticed it. A key was sitting on a small table, just behind the door. Beneath it was a folded up letter. She picked it up, flipped it open with her magic and began to read 

"Dearest Twilight. I hope that you and your friends have assisted Douche-Bag in settling in to his new home. Both I and my sister wish the you are helping him settle into a routine. I was hoping that you would be so kind as to pass on a message to him. The so-called Stick of Truth has turned out to be nothing more than a simple piece of Jewelry from one of our earlier settlements. One of our Archaeological researchers has had it confirmed. I am not exactly sure why Douche-Bag was so interested in this relic but I am afraid it is not anything special. I will be contacting Douche-Bag myself in a few days to see how he has settled in.  Your Faithful Mentor and Princess, Celestia." 

Twilight frowned in confusion as she lowered the letter. The Stick of Truth...just a piece of jewelry? Then why the Princess made such a fuss about it? Twilight settled herself on a convenient seat, ironically colored the exact same shade of violet as her fur. The Kitchen had come equipped with a large table, complete with several brightly colored chairs. Something was wrong. The violet Unicorn could see it. Her eyes rolled over the neatly written words, becoming narrower and narrower as they followed each line of the letter. Twilight's friends may have called it being an egghead but the violet Unicorn was used to reading between the lines of texts, finding contextual information and hidden meanings. When she was younger, Twilight had once fantasized about becoming a famous code breaker or lecturer due to her skills at pulling key points of information from seemingly useless bits of texts. It was this skill that was aiding her now. She could that the Princess wasn't telling her the whole truth. If the relic had been a piece of ancient jewelry, the researchers would've stuck it in the Museum of ancient Equestria and nothing would've come out of it. Why then, was Celestia taking an interest in it? If it was such a basic relic, then why was it on display in the Princess's council chambers? Twilight's eyes focused on the part about Douche-Bag. The Princess was known for being friendly to any normal pony she met during her trips to villages but...Twilight put down the letter, sighing heavily. Celestia wasn't telling her something. In the past, she had never known her mentor to keep secrets from her...well not anything that important....What was going on with her? And this...obsession over Douche-Bag when clearly he was better off with Twilight...

The violet Unicorn stopped. Where had that thought come from? That wasn't like Twilight. She knew that she liked Douche-Bag but she never thought that she would stoop so low as to obsess over him...But that was stupid! Twilight shook herself. Maybe it was just due to that Twilight had virtually no dating experience. She had always been more interested in books than love and all the things that Rainbow-Dash would call "mushy stuff." But then again...there was no harm in giving it a go. And Douche-Bag was a nice choice for her. He wouldn't get in the way and did not prattle on like a lot of Ponies did when she was trying to work. Maybe he was the perfect match for her after all. Douche-Bag was certainly a good looking pony...           





The walk back to Ponyville took a little longer than Douche-Bag expected. The Sun was beating down upon him, making his robe seem heavier, trapping the heat inside its folds. Sweat was pouring down his body, soaking his fur. His mane was slicked down tight against his body, the hair wet with his bodily fluids. Douche-Bag supposed he hadn't noticed how well his clothing could trap heat in South Park. The Mountain towns cold temperature had always necessitated the need for a warm cloak to cover him. Here, it was no longer an advantage. It was just a hindrance. At least his headband kept the worst of his fluids from his eyes. The Stallion stopped. Despite his eager pace, he'd only made it about halfway down the path. Ponyville seemed no closer and the silent Stallion was already out of breath. The Stallion did consider taking off the robe but then again. Douche-Bag let loose an inaudible sigh and continued his slow walk towards the town. Now that he was much closer to the little town, Douche-Bag could see Ponies, all varied kinds and colors, making their way through and around the town. The silent Stallion wished he had his cellphone and access to his online accounts. There would be no way to track how many friends he made during his stay in the town, nor would there be any way to check what sort of skills and abilities he had in case he ran into any...

"Hello there New Pony." Said a female voice. Douche-Bag stopped and turned round. Another Unicorn was standing behind him. A pair of saddle bags were slung over the mares back, partially obscuring her mint green fur  and Cutie Mark in the shape of a harp. A pair of bright yellow eyes were staring back at Douche-Bag from under a short, clipped mane of whitish-green. The mare had a light-hearted, cheerful voice, rather like she was about to burst into laughter...or a loud screaming fit. She was smiling widely, staring at Douche-Bag as though she couldn't believe her eyes. "Names Lyra. Lyra-Heartstrings." the Mare giggled, sticking out a hoof. Douche-Bag stared at her. The mint green mare's smile did not falter but , after a few minutes, she did withdraw her hoof. "You don't talk much huh?" Lyra giggled. "You must be the new Pony that Pinkie-Pie mentioned." Her eyes raked over Douche-Bag. "Here." she smiled, handing over a small scrap of paper. "This is my home address. If you'd like to come over one day." She grinned wider. Douche-Bag took the scrap of paper, eyed the name of the address and slipped it into one of the pouches attached to his robes belt. Well...it wasn't a cell-phone address but it was a start. Lyra smirked. "Why don't I escort you back to your house. Pinkie-Pie said there was gonna be a welcome to Ponyville party for you. Come on!" She smiled at Douche-Bag. The Earth Pony and the Unicorn both resumed walking down the road.   

> Chapter 14
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Somewhere in Washington

It was midnight and the man sitting in the office was tired, reading through a long memo, that seemed to be getting longer and longer with each line he read. The office the man was sitting in was very dark, illuminated only by a small desk-light, casting a small pool of over the large pile of papers spread over the desk, intermingled with a few fountain pens, a couple of paperweights and a letter opener, stylized in the shape of a pirates sword. The man sighed in annoyance, putting down the massive memo and leaning back against the padded chair he was sitting in. He was a fairly thickset man, with a large belly, bulging out over his lap. Dressed in a black suit, complete with white shirt and long, black tie, the man looked about as stiff as he was sitting. The man had grayish, white hair, slicked back with an almost ludicrous amount of hair gel, making the hairs look more like a rubber toupee. His single eye blinked down tiredly at the large stack of pages he had to read. The other eye was covered by a large eye-patch. The man sighed to himself again, looking around the office. It was one of the only places he could work in peace. Except...

The man looked down at his desk. Interspersed among the papers were a few pictures. One was of a red haired woman, sitting in a large rocking chair, smiling widely at the camera. Another was a picture of what appeared to be America, cut out of a regular map, with a few places marked in marker pen. But it was the third one that drew the mans attention. And anger. It was a photo of him on one of the most comprising missions he'd ever been on. In the photo, the man was standing on what looked like a wooden deck. He was wearing nothing but a rather ugly looking, see-through thong. His skin was pale and wrinkled, covered in old people marks, including spots and moles and lord knew what else. He had no idea which gobshite soldier had decided to take the picture. All he knew was, someone had taken the photo and it had turned up on his doorstep. The boys at the office had had a field day with that shit. And it was all over some foolish...fuckin...stick! The man clenched his teeth, his hands balling into fists. He had never felt such a fool in his entire life! And it was all because of that child. The damned Dragon-born! That silent Prick had slipped through his fingers so many times, then when he finally managed to track down the little swine, he slips through his fingers again, becoming the savior of that little speck of nothing in the mountains. A mere child had bested his entire army of specialists!

The telephone rang, snapping the old man out of his angry thoughts. His single eye widened in surprise. He looked up, eyeing the black receiver that was sitting on a ornate stool, half-hidden in the dark shadows behind the door. The man sighed. Who on Earth would be ringing him at this time of night. Especially when most of his colleges knew how busy he was these days. That incident in South-Park had not gone down well with his higher-ups. Not well at all. Secret Agents and members of the government's elite tend not to like it when a child with power over their farts beat them. It doesn't look very good on their record. The Man hauled himself to his feet with a great grunt of annoyance, feeling his age dragging him down. Maybe he was getting to old for this shit. Every time the man tried to get up these days, he had to be careful. Whenever he was around his colleges, he'd only have to cross his legs and someone would make a stupid joke about his balls rocking around like they had during that night in South-Park. The man sighed to himself as he stumbled over to the handset...then changed his mind. Whoever it was could wait until it was daylight to bother him. Instead of Picking up the handset, the man stumbled over to a small wall safe and opened it. Inside was a small bottle of whisky and a overlarge shot glass. Taking it out, the man stumbled back over to the phone, picking it up with a growl of annoyance. 

"Yeah?" The mans voice, gravelly and dry from under use, ground out of the back of his throat. The man sighed, stretching whilst the voice on the other end of the phone rattled off the supposedly urgent news. The man froze in mid-stretch, his single eye snapping open in surprise. "What?" he demanded, pushing the phone a little closer to his head. "Are you sure?" he demanded, putting down the whiskey bottle. "What happened? At what location? And this has been verified?!" With each question that the man fired off, he was becoming more and more flustered. "Alright, Alright!" The man snapped angrily, putting the phone down with such force that he knocked the handset off the mini-table. Cursing, the man hurried back to his desk and pressed the small red button, hidden underneath his desk. Immediately, two men crashed into the room. Both were dressed in Black suits and sunglasses. One had grayish-black hair and pale skin, whilst the other had blackish-blue hair and Chocolate-Brown skin. "Quickly Jay, Zyon." The man barked angrily. "The dragon-born has disappeared. You know what to do!?" The pair of bodyguards exchanged looks which were largely obscured by the thick sunglasses. Then they both nodded, turning back to the man. "Well get going then!" The man shouted, banging his fist on the table so hard that he made the papers on his desk bounce. The Two bodyguards turned and dashed out of the room, leaving the gray-haired man alone. The man lent back, sighing. "Dragon-Born...When will you stop interfering in our plans?" he thought, closing his single eye.



       

Douche-Bag was in a world of pain. The silent Pony ached all over. What had happened to him last night? The Stallion blearily opened his eyes, taking in the bizarre scene in front of him. He was in what appeared to be a dank hallway, hewn out of what appeared to be green, slimy rock. A dim, greenish light was hovering over the whole corridor, illuminating...Douche-Bag blinked. Creatures that looked like ponies were scurrying about, all covered in what appeared to be a black carapace. The creatures legs were covered in what appeared holes, though there seemed to be holes, though the creatures seemed to have no trouble walking about, without their legs collapsing under them. The creatures all had long black fangs, slanted, acid green eyes and they were all hissing. Douche-Bag blinked. He was definitely not in his own bed where had fallen asleep. Nor was he in the comfortable sleeping position that he had fallen asleep in. The silent Pony was hanging in the air, his four hooves suspended and held tight against the wall by some form of greenish gunk. The stuff was looped around his neck  and tail, holding the silent Stallions body tight against the slimy wall. Something was hurting. Something around his...Douche-Bag looked down.  What the hell had happened to him last night? The trapped Stallion closed his eyes, trying hard to think about what had happened to him last night.

He'd been walking back to his house with that Mint-green Unicorn, Lyra-Heartstrings. He'd arrived at the house...to find the place glowing with balloons, party lights and practically hopping with loud, upbeat music. That mad party Pony, Pinkie-Pie, had somehow gotten her hooves on a large sub-woofer speaker and what appeared to be several pounds of cakes and other pastries. Most of his friends had been there, with a few other guests, namely ponies that he'd seen around Ponyville. They'd partied for a bit, with Douche-Bag and his friends mainly  hogging the buffet. Then at around Midnight, the rest of the ponies had buggered off, leaving Douche-Bag and his main group of friends to clean up the mess. They'd said he should just go to bed and leave them to clean up the mess. He'd stumbled up to bed, crawled under the covers and drifted off to bed....until a green light had shone through the window. Something had scrambled into the room, chattering like a mad insect, grabbed the Stallion before he could react and knocked him out...that might explain what he was doing here..

"You awake?" asked a male voice. Douche-Bag turned his head in surprise. Another Stallion was hanging on the wall beside him, glued to the wall by the same, sticky green substance. The other Stallion was big and muscly with a coat of bright red fur and a mane of bright, fiery orange. His green eyes showed no sign of panic or fear at his predicament. They simply shone with a soft glow. The Stallion was watching Douche-Bag quietly. "Names Big Mac." The red Stallion said calmly. He spoke with a southern accent, rather like a cowboy. Douche-Bag blinked, keeping his silence. "Got caught too huh?" the Red stallion asked blandly, tilting his head. "those're called Changelings." He nodded his head at one of the black creatures as it skittered past. "No idea what the varmints want though." The stallion pulled at his gloopy bonds, but the slime held his hooves tight. "Been stuck here for the best part'a four hours." The southern Stallion snorted. Any further attempts at this strange one-word, one-sided conversation was silenced as a group of four changelings. They were carrying a large, square shaped object between them. From what Douche-Bag could see from his position, the object was a large cube, constructed of a green, crystal-like substance. Attached to the thing was a large, stretchy thing that looked like a ribbed tube, with a thick narrow end. The Changelings all chattered for a second before they moved in, brandishing the two hose-like-objects at the two captive stallions. "Ah Buck!" Big-Macintosh groaned angrily. 

Douche-Bag was no stranger to having a foreign something shoved up his anus. The last time had been an alien probe in the shape of a giant black dildo. Now THAT was bearable. This tube that the Changelings had decided to shove up his backside was far worse. It was cold, slimy and far, far to big. It pounded harder and harder, the slimy tip pounding against his insides. Douche-Bag, true to his attitude, kept his mouth shut, despite the large amount of pain his unprepared anus and backside were giving him. Big-Macintosh on the other hoof, opened his mouth and began howling with pain. Whatever the Changelings were doing to the their anuses was causing both the Stallions on untold amount of pain, the slimy hoses pounding the two, their bodies held tight by the slimy restraints. Douche-Bag knew what he had too do. Despite the massive, slimy thing pounding his insides, Douche-Bag tensed up as best he could. He gathered his power, trying to focus on what he had to do and trying very hard to ignore the slimy thing inside him. Big-Macs moaning wasn't helping, which was growing louder and louder as they tortured the poor, southern Stallion. Then...suddenly...

"PHRAAPAHPPPPP!"  

The slimy hose that the Changelings had been using to torture Douche-Bag split apart like a torn sheet of wet paper as Douche-Bag let loose his dragonshout. The main part of the Violating-Machine exploded, shattering into a million pieces of glittering green crystal. The Changelings scattered, hissing and chattering at the top of their voices. Douche-Bag felt the telltale rumbles he'd been hoping for. The wall around him began to crack and splinter. The goop holding Douche-Bags hooves stretched as the rock cracked, lowering the silent Stallion to the floor. The goop seemed somehow connected to the wall, as it slipped off Douche-Bags hooves like oil. Douche-Bag stretched, shaking his body to clear the horrible feeling of the cold slime still lodged up his ass. That was when it happened. There was a loud beeping noise, a strange feeling of rubbing inside him and a large Ariel, tipped with a small bulb, glowing red and beeping. Douche-Bag blinked. He'd been wondering where his alien probe had been. During his time as an abductee to the alien invaders of South-Par, the experiments had resulted in one of their probes being lodged deep into his sphincter. Douche-Bag blinked. He'd known he could summon the probe, though he'd seriously doubted whether he'd be able to find a compatible probe here. A cough brought the Silent Stallion out of his thoughts. Bic-Macintosh was still restrained against the wall, the violating hose resting just below his spread asshole. He was eyeing Douche-Bag rather sternly from his restrained position. 

"Not ta be rude pardner." the Crimson Stallion said coolly. "But could ya help me out here?" The bound Stallion tilted his head, indicating the route opposite the way the Changelings had fled. "Ah heard tha' the webbing ah'm stuck in can be killed off through some form'a nexus, somewhere down there." The Stallion looked down at Douche-Bag, who stared back blandly. The Crimson Stallion blinked, his blank stare mimicking Douche-Bags for a few minutes. "So...ah wouldn' mind bein' let down from here." The Crimson Stallion prompted. Douche-Bag turned and stared down the corridor. He was in a disadvantageous position. He had no weapons. No Bow or arrows. He didn't even have any more firecrackers to launch his flame attacks. Despite what most people thought, Douche-Bag didn't have the ability to pull the attacks he needed from anywhere. He just happened to be lucky that his robes and various pieces of armor had very, very deep pockets. But...It wasn't right to just leave the red Stallion behind. He might stand a better chance at getting out of the hive with Big-Macintosh backing him up. Douche-Bag made his decision...and set off down the corridor that Big-Mac had mentioned. "Take your time pardner!" the captive Stallion called out as Douche-Bag continued on his way. "I ain't goin anywhere!" Douche-Bag would've smirked if he hadn't been preoccupied with the immediate situation. He was a Pony, not a Changeling. He'd be spotted and locked up again in the matter of minutes and he was sure his ass couldn't take another pounding from one of those infernal machines. 

Douche-Bags hoof collided with something hard. Lying on the floor was a Changeling, barely stirring, a large bruise forming on its head. The thing had obviously been trampled by the other Changelings in their mad rush to escape Douche-Bag's Dragonshout. The chitinous armor, a black carapace like piece covering the majority of the Changelings body had been knocked loose. Douche-Bag blinked. The Changeling was about his size....and had largely the same build....Douche-Bag reached out with a hoof, gently poking and prodding at the crunchy armor. Douche-Bag felt elation rising inside him. He really was a lucky boy after all.



        

Douche-Bag felt ridiculous. His new armor that the Changeling had generously provided was covering his fur, which he had coated with a thick spraying of mud and gravel. He knew he looked stupid. Close up, if any Changeling took an interest in him, his disguise would be ruined. Still, Douche-Bag hoped the Changeling armor and gooey covering were enough to fool a Changeling from afar...till he clobbered them. It took some getting used to. The Changelings darted about, moving speedily through the tunnels. Douche-Bag had to make do with clomping along behind the various groups, clobbering one or two of the more inquisitive ones, until he finally saw it. The Nexus that Big-Mac had talked about. The Nexus turned out to be a large pile of glowing ooze, in the center of a large, domed chamber. Several glowing veins of the ooze spiked into the ground, branching off down the differing tunnels. Douche-Bag supposed that the veins of ooze kept the gooey restraints alive and sticky, holding the captives to the wall. The only question was...which vein should Douche-Bag destroy to free Big-Mac. It would certainly be easy. There were only a few Changelings in the room and they were easy to beat. A thrown rock here, a conk on the head there and he was alone, standing in front of the Nexus. How to operate it? On an Impulse, the Silent Stallion stuck his hooves into the mass of cold slime. 

The effect was instantaneous. Immediately, Douche-Bag was flying, ghost-like, through the various corridors. It was like being on a hyper version of google Earth. Douche-Bag just had to think of something and he would be transported to that place in the hive. He glided through various corridors, some with various ponies stuck in compromising positions all along the walls, a very nasty room filled with various meats and sacks of food that might've passed for a parlor and, to Douche-Bags slight disgust, a large room, where several Changelings were mating with each other, spraying their reproductive seed all over the place. Douche-Bag knew he was running out of time. If he wasn't quick, a Changeling might find him and attempt to recapture him. He quickly thought of the red Stallion and glided towards the spot where Big-Macintosh was being held. The captive Stallion's expression of neutral calm had not shifted. He was simply staring into space, looking quite bored. Douche-Bag reached out with his mind. But the push was too aggressive. The violator hose that had been sitting below the red Stallion jerked upwards, penetrating the unprepared Stallion's backside, hard. Big-Mac jerked, his expression of neutral calm changing into a gasp of pain and surprise. Damn! Douche-Bag tried again, this time, trying to get the slimy bonds to peel apart. Instead, the violator hose's tip spread lightly and resumed penetrating the large, red Stallion. Big-Mac jerked and cried out. Douche-Bag felt a bite of impatience. The surge of frustration cost Big-Mac again as the hose attacked the poor Stallion's anus again.Douche-Bag narrowed his eyes and he tried again. 

His final attempt was gentle, almost like he was attempting to plead with the slimy ropes, willing the to gently open like the petals of a flower. Slowly, with a noise like wet pieces of flesh unzipping, Big-Macintosh was dropped onto the ground. The big Stallion looked a little unsteady however, with his strength probably drained from the continued probing of his anus. Douche-Bag was an experienced enough warrior to recognize when someone needed a buddy to help them out of tight situations. Douche-Bag was about to pull out of the Nexus, when he thought of something. He had complete access to the whole of the hive. What if he...As soon as the thought occurred to him, Douche-Bag knew it had happened. The walls around the hive began to change color, turning from the dark, healthy green to a infectious yellow to a dark brown. The walls and floor were crackling and crumbling, like bad skin. Douche-Bag blinked. If the Changelings were so powerful, why did they have something like the nexus, which could destroy their entire hive with a single thought. The entire hive was shaking and rumbling like mad. Douche-Bag knew he and Big-Mac would have to get out quick, or risk being buried in a large pile of dead changelings and slimy hive pieces. With a feeling of, admittedly undeserved cheerfulness, Douche-Bag pulled out of the nexus and turned to leave. 

"PONY!" Douche-Bag stopped dead as the large group of Changelings rushed into the room. There were about fifteen of them, all armored and brandishing swords and spears made from a combination of sharpened rocks and sticky resin. Douche-Bag rolled his eyes, slipping off the Changeling armor. He'd never been the best at hand...hoof-to-hoof combat, with his chosen profession being that of a mage. However, he supposed now was as good a time as any to learn. The silent Stallion cricked his neck and the rest of his joints as the Changeling soldiers rushed him. He just hoped he didn't take to many hits. He didn't want to walk back to Ponyville with only three legs....



   

It was all under fifteen minutes when Douche-Bag finally returned to the corridor where Big-Macintosh was leaning against the wall, still trying to recover from his enforced anal probing. Douche-Bag wasn't surprised when the large Stallion's eyes widened in surprise and he back up a little bit. Douche-Bag was covered in greenish liquids. Changelings were more like cockroaches. The harder you tried to put them down, the stronger they fought, getting back up again and again. By the time Douche-Bag had finished with his attackers in the Nexus chamber, the silent Stallion had been coated in a thick downpour of greenish, foul smelling Changeling blood. Douche-Bag could still feel the foul smelling liquid running through his fur like oil and sticking to every scrap of skin. He was tired. Douche-Bag was actually tired. It was a disturbing feeling. Douche-Bag had had some trying battles before but to actually feel drained like, something had leeched out the willingness to fight from the silent Stallion. Douche-Bag just wanted to go home. But he knew that Big-Mac would need help to escape, so his own discomfort took a back seat. 

"Thanks for doin' this pardner." Gasped Big-Mac, as Douche-Bag supported him down the corridor. As it turned out, the pair had been trapped right by the entrance as they had only made one small turn before the tunnel gave way to a midnight black sky. The hive was beginning to crumble at last and the pair hastened their retreat from the hive. "Listen Pardner." Big-Mac gasped as the pair finally escaped the tunnel, strips of the hive falling all around them. "If you're ever near Sweet-Apple-Acres, feel free to stop by to see ol' Big-Mac OK?" Big-Mac was brandishing a small piece of paper. It was a miniature photo of Big-Mac himself. Douche-Bag was about to take it, when there was a loud cracking noise. Douche-Bag looked up. The hive had been a large building, covered in slimy, green and black goop. But the goop had been hardened and forced to crumble apart by the Nexus's self destruct option. Now, a large piece had detached itself from the highest level of the building and was falling towards the two Stallions. There wasn't even enough time to push Big-Mac out of the way. The slab of hardened goop hit the ground with a hard crash. The slab of hardened shit shattered, spraying the two Stallions with brown splinters.  Douche-Bag just had time to register a large piece of the slab flying at him, before the thing smashed into him, knocking both him and Big-Mac to the ground. As his vision began to fade, Douche-Bag supposed it wasn't to bad. He'd survived a falling spaceship before. Being hit by a slab of stone was nothing....

	
> Chapter 15: Plot points
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Night was falling over Canterlot Castle. The Solar guard were now changing positions with their Night-Guard counterparts. The servants were busying themselves with the night-duties, setting up the fires and placing Warming-Pans between the bed sheets. Yet there was one Pony not settling down for the night. The Throne room, which by day would glow with many different shades of shimmering light, was now growing shadowy. Princess Celestia sighed to herself, staring at the massive pile of paperwork, her quill hovering over a report for new armor that her captains had filed. Except that the length of parchment was covered in doodles of the same Stallion, staring out at her with blank eyes. The Princess had been staring down at the doodles she'd made for so long that several drops of ink had plopped onto the page, running across the rest of the doodles. The Alicorn of the Sun sighed heavily, placing the quill back into the ink-pot. She resettled royal tuckus back down on the thrones cushion, placed her snout on her hooves, a pose most would consider undignified for a Princess and stared down at the doodles. Celestia just couldn't get that Stallion out of her mind.  Douche-Bag had been hounding her thoughts for days. Ever since she'd had breakfast with and Twilight....Celestia was sure she'd outgrown these girlish antics and yet here she was, fantasizing over a Stallion she barely knew. He was probably way younger than she was.

"Princess Celestia?" The voice made the Princess of the Sun jump about a foot in the air. A brown furred Stallion, dressed in a white lab coat, with large glasses on his face and a stethoscope hanging around his neck. Doctor Bio. The chief Medical officer in the castle. The Stallion was carrying a large clipboard, with a roll of parchment attached to it. Celestia quickly resettled herself into a more dignified position whilst the Doctor made the long trek down the Hallway. "I'm sorry to trouble you so late Princess." The Doctor said apologetically, coming to a stop in front of the Throne and bowing deeply. "It took a little longer than normal to have the results processed." The Earth-Pony took a large scroll of parchment from his coat pocket and attached it to the original piece on the clipboard. He held it out to the Princess. "The results are....slightly disturbing." Celestia took the clipboard, levitating it in her golden magic and pulling it closer to her face. By the dim light of the candles surrounding her, Celestia could make out the form of a Stallion's body. It was am X-Ray shot. But...something was wrong with the picture.  Instead of the usual Skeleton parts, the inside of the Stallion's body was...warped, rather as though something had smudged the picture as it was being developed. The bones and different veins and arteries were all twisted and smudged. "It's strange isn't it?" the Doctor said calmly. Celestia looked up, quirking an eyebrow in confusion. "Take a look at the other piece of Parchment I've added." Doctor Bio nodded at the attachment. The Princess frowned and ran an eye down the large amount of text.  

"The Stallion known as Douche-Bag appears to be undergoing a state of continuous metamorphosis. From the X-Ray's taken several days before-hoof, it would appear that the subject is aged fifteen to eighteen. However, a second X-ray that was taken has revealed a rather curious fact. The second X-Ray appears to belong to the body of a young adult Stallion." Celestia's eyes narrowed as the report continued.
"Judging from the strange fluctuations in the subjects body, Douche-Bag appears to be both younger and older than he actually is." Celestia frowned. "In addition to the strange fluctuations his body is experiencing, Douche-Bag also appears to suffer from some form of disorder. From notes provided by both Twilight-Sparkle and our Majesty, Princess Celestia, Douche-Bag seems either unwilling or unable to speak. At first, it was believed that this silent Stallion was suffering from a certain condition or disorder. However, this is not the case. The results that we have drawn from the examination of Douche-Bag, suggests that he is suffering from some form of Post-Traumatic stress. What trauma he has suffered from is currently unknown. However, it should be noted that if this Trauma has damaged Douche-Bag's ability to speak then it may have also have damaged other aspects of the Stallion's psyche. It is highly recommended that Douche-Bag be detained and treated as soon as possible if only for his own safety." Celestia lowered the parchment and clipboard, staring at Doctor Bio in surprise. 

"Princess..." the Doctor said, his blue eyes narrowed in concern. "I know you asked me to do these tests in secrecy....But there is something very wrong with this Douche-Bag." The Doctor seated himself by the throne, taking the clipboard back from the Princess and studying the results. "I had some time to study this Stallion whilst he was here at the castle. And I know what I am looking at." He showed Celestia the blurred out X-Ray. "At some point in his life, Douche-Bag has been the target of some form of aging and teleportation spell. When combined, these spells produce some very nasty effects as I'm sure you know." Celestia nodded slowly. Doctor Bio sighed. "And the reports mention of Post-Traumatic-Stress...It is more than a little disturbing." The Medical Stallion looked up at his ruler, a look of deep misgiving upon his face. "Whilst I cannot say that Douche-Bag is dangerous, I do have some misgivings about the findings. I would recommend that Douche-Bag is brought back here  for...treatment." Celestia frowned, looking down at the piece of Parchment, deep in thought. "And..If I may Princess?" the Doctor leaned in conspiratorially. "If anything, we need to get Douche-Bag back here....before it's too late for him."

Celestia sighed and dismissed the Doctor with a wave of her hoof. Settling back into her thrones cushions, the Princess eyed the many doodles of Douche-Bag she had drawn. She picked one up, staring at the rough drawing of the Stallion. Post-Traumatic-Stress? A damaged body? Douche-Bag certainly had many strange things happening around him. In all her many years of ruling, Celestia had not come across a Stallion so...so Chaotic...Celestia stopped. She knew what she had to do. She didn't like the idea but only one other creature was had experience with chaos on this scale. Celestia pulled out a fresh piece of paper and began to write, scribbling fast and furiously over the parchment. She didn't often request favors from the Prince-of-chaos but desperate times called for desperate measures.



 

Ponyville

Twilight Sparkle sighed to herself as she sat at her desk in the Ponyville, library. The violet Unicorn had been sitting at the desk for the best part of four hours, staring down at the small, black box sitting atop the small piles of paperwork and quills. She had been staring at the box as the Library had grown dark around her. She'd lit a small candle and settled it beside her on the desk, all the while, staring at the box. It was hard enough for the poor Unicorn. Coming home to find her assistant, the young dragon known as Spike, was still absent from his duties had been a blow to her. But this? What she had done? It wasn't like Twilight to do something this irrational. It had scared her, from the moment she had walked into the shop to the minute she had returned home. Yet...That Stallion....Douche-Bag. She couldn't stop thinking about him. He had been in her thoughts since the day that the two of them had met. Again and again, Twilight would find herself returning to that blue-furred Stallion. His strong body, that calm demeanor and the way he seemed so impenetrable. That cold silence that made him both slightly unapproachable and yet so...so enticing. Twilight sighed to herself, leaning back and allowing her cramped muscles to relax. The Unicorn looked around the circular room, filled with so many books that she loved. Was she making the right decision? It was a big decision she was considering. What if it was the wrong choice...and it ended horribly? The Unicorn sighed and leaned forward again. Her magic clicked open the catch on the box and opened it, revealing a small band of gold, resting upon a soft red cushion.

"Douche-Bag..." Twilight thought, resting her head on her hooves, staring down at the small band of gold she'd bought from the local jewelry shop. "Would you accept me?" she wondered sadly, staring down at the band in the box, feeling a soft blush start to build on her cheeks at the mere thought of asking Douche-Bag...that question. "Maybe you would and maybe you wouldn't..." Twilight thought, idly fiddling with one of her quills. She supposed it was a silly dream of hers. It was probably just a stupid school-filly crush. What would he see in a Mare like her? He was such a cool, handsome Stallion after all... "No." The Unicorn thought, sitting up a little straighter. "C'mon Twilight. You're being stupid. You're acting like a filly on her first date.  You can do this. It's just a simple question...it's not like he's going to say no...he can't even talk." She grinned softly at the thought of the silent Stallion. "Douche-Bag would accept...he's an intelligent stallion...you're an intelligent Mare...it'll be fine." The Unicorn smiled to herself and picked up the box. The Unicorn had made up her mind. Twilight Sparkle smiled to herself as she made her way up the stairs to her bedroom and placed the small box on her bedside table. She had decided. She'd go find Douche-Bag tomorrow. She'd pop the question to him tomorrow. Twilight smiled warmly as she settled into bed and closed her eyes. "Douche-Bag..." she whispered to herself as she fell into a dreamy sleep.



   

"Something's definitely wrong." said the voice. Jay's eyes opened. The man sat up, feeling the cold fabric of his suit pressing against his muscled form. He blinked his eyes open, taking in the cold, gun-metal gray room. It was a circular room, each wall lined with shelves with each shelf lined with everything a successful government agent needed. Several guns, grenades, ammo clips and surprisingly, a set of half-a-meter long samurai swords. Jay pushed his foot against the table he had been laying against, spinning his chair around to face the other man, who had just stepped through the door. He was dressed like Jay in a black blazer, with white shirt and black trousers. The new arrival had dark skin and blue eyes covered by a pair of dark shades. Zyon sighed, adjusting his shades as he wandered over and sat down opposite Jay. "You know who's behind this don't you Jay." The other man sighed in annoyance, leaning back in his chair. "Jay, Kara is a killer! You should fuckin' know better than anybody that she's not gonna stop cause that twat kid Dragon-Born got in  the way." The pale skinned man tilted his head back, staring up at the featureless ceiling. "What will you do Jay?" Zyon pressed, his eyes narrowing behind his sunglasses. "Douche-Bag will be destroyed if Kara finds what she's lookin' for! You can't just sit there and do nothing!" Jay's head tilted back to look at Zyon. The dark sinned human gave a huff of annoyance, pushing himself out of his chair. "And what happens if Douche-Bag finds out what happened...last time?" Jay stopped, gazing at his partner with narrowed eyes. "That's what I thought." Zyon growled, moving over to the weapons shelves. "c'mon. We'd better get kitted out. We'll have to start the operation soon...and it's not gonna be pretty"