Epsilon, in his normal body, got sent into an entirely different world with ponies. More madness begins.
Hi, my name's Epsilon, but you might know me better as Leonard Church or just Church for that matter. So, here's the deal: I'm actually the memory of someone in charge of a past project called Project Freelancer called, you guessed it, Dr. Leonard Church A.K.A. The Director. And since you've already watched the full series of our show, you would know that I used to be the leader of Blue Team, but now a full badass A.I. ( Stands for Artificial Intelligence, in case any of you were wondering ) that can do awesome stuff like calculate a foolproof plan, enable armor enhancements for soldiers, you know, all that stuff.
But moving on, the reason why I'm telling you all this is because that, well, let's just say that a few "friends" of mine have infiltrated a certain Chairman Hargrove's airship and have successfully shut off a few Mantis droids from killing both The New Republic and The Federal Army. The bad news, they all got trapped inside of the room once they did. So, the only way out was to fight through the mob of black soldiers ( that wasn't a race thing, by the way ) and I ended up giving them all of my fragments while I just disappeared into nothingness. But, here's where things get REALLY weird or, as a hippie would say, trippy.
Basically, after I seemingly vanished into thin whatever, I strangely woke up in a forest, except it was more.....cartoon-like. Then, I met a little white bunny rabbit who happened to be the pet of some kinda horse thing. And after that, well, let me just say this; MORE craziness happens.
Will I ever find a way home? Or will I be living with ponies for the rest of my life as the only human on this planet? And as I said before, none of these can be determined unless we wait and see.............
And that's gonna take a while.
( This takes place after RVB: Season 13 and after the first two episodes of MLP Season 6 )
"Ugh, my head........" Woah, what happened? Aren't I supposed to be destroyed and crap? And how am I even talking? Oh, God........I'm not really destroyed, am I? HA, I knew it! I'm not really dead after all! Eat that s**t, Superman! Look who's invincible now! Ahem, sorry. Got excited there for a moment. Let's continue. "What....what happened?" I asked myself as I gathered my remaining strength to get up from laying on the grass. My hands helped push my body upward to stand while my legs were only making themselves freaking sore."Where am I?" As I regained my balance, my brain attempted to process what the f**k happened in these few moments, and my head only gave me a minor migraine. Nothing too serious, but still hurts, you know? I then tried to rub my temples to ease my thoughts, but then felt something, well actually, TWO things. Number one was a glass-like substance, and number two was whatever my armor was made of. Which reminds me. "Wait, what am I doing in my old body? And how come I don't look like an A.I. anymore?' I asked, even more, questions to myself in my head, but all they did was give me more reasons to just shoot myself in the head if I can properly aim in which case, I probably can't.
"Okay, ease yourself, Church. Either this is a dream or I've died in Heaven. Well, either way, this is just f**king perfect." Speaking of Heaven, I quickly noticed that I was in some sort of woodland forest and slowly examined my surroundings. If Delta were here, he would have no trouble checking it out and confirming what it was. Luckily, evolution gave us humans brains to think, so I checked every corner and angle of this place, giving my previous theory the green light. "Okay, I'm just gonna recap everything that's happened. I was supposed to be destroyed and fragmented, but instead, I landed in this forest in my old body, don't have any weapons, also don't have my fragments or my teammates, and my back is SERIOUSLY trying to kill me!" Saying this out loud, I placed my hands on my back and pushed my spine which hurt like getting a bullet to the head. Good thing I've had experience with these kinds of things before, like I wouldn't have anyway. I stopped when I heard a cracking noise that I thought was my backbone, "Huh, what the?", but quickly figured out that it was something else behind me and hastily turned my back.
Great, just GREAT. Maybe one of our enemies teleported me to this area, just so that he could ambush me for later! My first clue was the rustling bush that's only a few feet away from me. I wonder who else would've guessed that? "Hey, who's there!?" I already knew I didn't have a weapon of any f**king kind, so I looked around for any item I could use and spotted a medium sized branch. I know, I know, it's not the most efficient tool for offense, but hey, when you're in a forest that you have no memory of waking up in, you might as Hell choose anything to use! "Hey, you better come out here right now, or I'll come over there and......." I grabbed the stick without wasting any time and pointed the stick towards the shrub. ".....use this branch on you! Don't think I'm too afraid to use it!" Why would I be scared to use it? It's a freaking stick. I was expecting for a powerful foe to appear, but instead, all that came out was just a little white bunny rabbit. Well, this situation just got a whole lot more anticlimactic. My eyes looked down at its small size and also observed its body structure. Weirdly, this rabbit seemed to be standing on two feet like humans do. Not the oddest thing I've ever seen, but this is definitely going in my "Top 20 Weirdest Things I've Seen In My Whole F**cking Life".
"Oh, thank God, it's not Felix! " I felt like this bunny could do no possible harm to me, except giving me a heart attack if it makes a really cute face, so I threw the stick away and tried to approach it slowly. "Hey, little fella...." Before I could, however, it gave me the stop hand sign, or in this case, the stop PAW sign? I dunno. I guess it didn't necessarily trust me at the moment. I couldn't blame 'em. If a stranger walks up to me slowly, I would just straight up shoot him if nobody ever F**CKS UP THE SIGHTS ON MY SNIPER RIFLE! Sorry, got a little enraged there. Next, it crossed its little arms and put on a face that said "You better not come any closer, bub", so I did the only safe thing I had in mind and backed up a little to create some comfortable distance between us. And this is why I'm not such a big fan of bunnies.
"Angel, Angel! Where did you go?!"
All of the sudden, I could hear someone calling out a name which was probably the rabbit in front of me. It was feminine, so I could tell it was a girl. And Angel? Yeah, right! Some "angel" this bunny is! "Huh?" My instincts told me to be wary by this. If it's hostile, then I'll know what to do. Actually, now that I've said it out loud, I'll don't know what to do. And this is when I really f**king want Caboose to be my meat shield slash idiotic bodyguard. Oh, I should have those when I get back! But, you know, smarter ones. Another rustle came from the same bush and I was prepared for anything, but rather than a scary animal or carnivore that wants to literally eat my heart out, out came a yellow horse. Okay, seriously? It's like God or Satan is trying to mess with my head. Well, since its presence has been detected, I guess I should showcase the details. Its body was fully covered in yellow fur ( I thought horses didn't have fur on their bodies ), even her......wait, what's the word for a horse's ass? Haunches? Flank? Yeah, let's go flank! Anyway, it had such a long pink mane, a long tail also, wings on its back, an image of what looked like three cyan butterflies on the side of her ass- I mean flank, dammit! Walking through the bush, it spotted the rabbit and rushed to it to check up on it. I suppose that's its owner.
"Oh, thank goodness, Angel! I finally found you!" It said with the same feminine voice from before in a worried tone. If I had a pet, I would've felt the same. Fortunately, I don't. "You know that running off into the Everfree Forest is very dangerous!" She knelt to its size and scolded it, at least, that's what it seemed like. Man, why is her voice so f**king low? Does she have a problem with her vocal chords or something? "And for that, you are gr-" But, she paused in the middle of her sentence to see my shadow towering over here and looked at me with her jaw opened from sudden jolt. When she saw me, I didn't know what to do which I was even confused by. Normally, I would've just pointed my gun at my enemies and try to scare them, but with a small yellow horse in front of me, I just.....froze. Like I couldn't decide to either threaten her or be nice to her. What do I do?
'Okay, think, Church! Think! What would Tucker normally do when he meets strange women? Okay, scratch that idea. That sounded f**king horrible. Ooh, I know!' Testing my plan out, I gathered the words in my head and readied my lips to say: "Uh,...'sup, girl?" And just like that, she predictably gasped deeply and lost consciousness with a quiet thud. Well, that plan went as well as crap. "Huh, I was actually expecting her to do that." A low growl was heard and, of course, it had to be the bunny who clearly didn't like my joke. "Oh, come on! You had to see that coming!" I mean, she had a low voice! It should be obvious she would be shy and timid enough to faint that easy! Dirtbag. Pushing that aside, I noticed that bunny was pointing its finger to the northeast, indicating that's the way out of this place. "What? Is that the way out?" The bunny nodded with seriousness. Man, this guy's got some anger issues. Maybe it should go to a vet or something. "Well then, what the hell are we waiting for? Let's get outta here already." However, I could notice its face told me there was a catch and, apparently, it pointed to the horse which I sighed with irritant of all things considered. "Fine! I guess I deserve it."
I used my arms to scoop her up in a similar way of how people hold cats when they're asleep and I gotta say, she's lighter than I imagined. Well, I guess that's how cartoons work since everything else looks the property of one. "Alright, I got her. Can we go now, please?" Ignoring my statement, the little son of a b***h started hopping towards the previously pointed out direction and I followed it while trying not to drop this thing out of my grasp. 'Dips**t.' God, I don't know why, but holding this horse girl in my arms is honestly relaxing for some reason. Is this what people feel when they hold cute animals? I called her cute, didn't I? God,.....f**k.....ME.
Well, it might have taken forever to reach the exit, but we eventually did. Next, the bunny had me go into this horse's house which I had to be honest, looked like a freaking petting zoo, only more cramped. I didn't have much time to explore the interior, though when that rabbit ordered me to lay the girl horse onto the green couch and let her be for a while. I swear, if this rabbit forces me to do ONE more thing, I will cut him! I was a little tired from walking, so I chose to take a seat on the second couch, but apparently, that small and furry asshole wouldn't even allow me to sit there, so after muttering out some "mature" words, I decided to sit on the floor with my legs stretched out instead. I would've stabbed that rabbit in the chest with something sharp right about now, but since there's a real LAW that forbids killing adopted animals, I had no power to do that whatsoever.
Suddenly, just as my eyes were gonna give in to my own exhaustion, my ears could hear some movement on the couch. I quickly forced them open and could notice the horse's body moving. 'Oh, thank merciful God, she's awake!' I got myself up and approached the horse thing cautiously and because I didn't want that bunny to interfere, I only stood there for a couple of seconds before its eyes opened themselves. Now, all that's left to do was to see if this pony will faint again or scream and keep hitting me with a frying pan non-stop. Don't worry, I've dealt with the second choice a LOT before all of this, so I think the frying pan is my best option.
"Oh, my. What in Equestria happened?" Her head turned left and right to find out what she had got into, and as I expected, the first thing she noticed in front of her was a full light blue armored body of a human badass. Then, her eyes raised to my head when I devised a plan to make her trust me more. "Oh,.....my......" I recognized that her voice had gone more quiet and fearful than before and cuddled her body for safety from me. Damn that is adorable! Okay, pull yourself together, Church! Just show her that you mean no absolute harm. Hopefully.
"Hey, are you awake?" I started off easy with a question and even if her face said that she was still afraid of me, I could tell that she was already starting to trust me a bit. My brain then processed another sentence to speak after I saw her using her flank ( Yes, finally got it right! ) to back away to the back part slowly. Then, I tried this; "H-Hey, it's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you." Let's hope it works.
"Oh, r-really? Well, i-if....i-if you say so...."
Holy s**t! That actually worked!
I'm glad it worked because I could see her scooch a bit to the front. The ground was practically shaking from her trembling and she was still a bit unsure on what to do next. I sighed with slight impatience, but remained calm and thought of another plan. When you're a leader of a team and you need to think of a plan really fast, you'll start to get millions of ideas into your head and some of them are REALLY inappropriate. I hope and bet that Sarge also gets into these things, but we all know that he would only pick the ones that involve Grif getting killed or getting all of us killed, actually. Since he's not around, this time, I think it's safe to say that he is the least sane one of us all. Whew, felt so good to get that off my chest! Anywho, my brain finally hatched an idea, but I wasn't sure if this would make the pony more comfortable with me. Ah, screw it! Let's just do it already! I extended my pale blue hand and reached for her right ear, but it was difficult with her body rattling a rattlesnake's tail. I turned to the rabbit who seemed ready to pounce on me if I do anything that I'll regret, so I'll have to do this swiftly. When I managed to get my hand behind her, I was a little taken back when she stopped quivering and that gave me a chance to start scratching behind her ear. At first, her pupils went as small as Hell, but then her eyelids closed back up not from fear, but from thought-to-be pleasure and her left leg started thumping really f**king fast. But, that's not all 'cause she produced a purring noise too that I didn't know she could manage.
If I had to be honest, I was enjoying this just as much as she was. I was even able to ignore the rabbit's death glare, though the chilling sensation in my spine was hard to control. It was like petting a house cat if that house cat had yellow fur and a freaking pink head of hair. I suddenly realized that this had to end and pulled away my hand from the horse's furry ear. Too bad I had to end it, but that's not important right about now. But, what was the most difficult thing to do was to resist that damn cute smile of hers- why do I keep calling her f**king cute!? What is wrong with me!? *Sigh* I'll just move on.
"So, we're cool?"
"Well, I suppose so."
"Good. By the way, my name's Leonard Church, but you can just call me Church if you want."
"Oh, hello there, Church. I'm....uh......Fluttershy." You know, I am really starting to get a little tired at this horse's soft voice, but I just went along and acted like I really heard that.
"So,......Fluttershy, was it?" She gave me an approving nod before I continued. "Why did that little ass- I mean, 'sweet little bunny' ran into the forest and you chased after him?" I was primarily hoping for an answer with her calling that little rabbit more names that I don't recognize, other than the ones I've used recently. But, all I got was this:
"Oh, right! Well, you see, Mr. Church," Huh, Mr. Church? I like it. Makes me feel powerful and superior, except I already am superior, just not powerful. "as I was feeding some of my animal friends earlier, Angel heard something in the Everfree Forest and decided to investigate."
"Oh, really? What did it sound like?"
"Um, I couldn't really make it out, but it sounded like either an explosion or a something crashing into the ground." I think I might choose both 'cause I've heard plenty of those noises before. "Anyway, after restlessly searching, I finally found Angel and that's when I also found you......oh, and I probably passed out too, didn't I?"
"Yep seemed like it." I'm feeling very great that we're already starting to trust each other so quickly, but that might not last for so long. From what I've been through, I've got insulted, injured, blown up, dumped, ignored, and let's not forget the most common one, team-killed by my own so-called friends, mostly Caboose on the team-killing. Sometimes, I even wonder why I was paired up with these idiotic pieces of crap in the first goddamn place. "Next time, can you promise me that you WON'T go after this guy when he runs off? He seems pretty tough on his own already."
"Oh, I could never do that! Not when the Everfree Forest is filled with horrific and blood-thirsty monsters like manticores, timberwolves, cockatrices,......." She paused suddenly, thinking of the other possible creatures that might want to take the life of her dips**t bunny. Admittedly, I felt kinda bad for her watching over all of these animals by herself, but hey, if she can handle it just dandy, then why bother?
But, she never got to finish when all of the sudden, a rumbling noise was heard. Did the guys find a way to find me? Of course, they didn't, you numbskull! They probably don't even know what happened to me! *Sigh* I just hope nothing bad happens to them....okay, maybe a few of them, but still. I double-checked and as it turns out, it was my stomach, apparently. Seriously, it has been so long since I've felt hunger before and may I say, IT KILLS. LITERALLY. "Hey, uh, Fluttershy? You wouldn't happen to have any grub around here, would you?"
"Dear me, why would ever want to eat such harmless little insect larvae?!" .......She's kidding me, right? She has to be freaking kidding me.
"What? No! I meant do you have some food that I could, you know, eat, you-!?" Me raising my voice did no such good when I heard her lightly whimper from my raised voice. God damn, I am a terrible person...... "Sorry, I.....I went a little nuts there."
"I-It's okay, Church. I understand. You've probably been through a lot lately and got a bit stressed there."
"Wow, she's.....actually being nice to me, even after I yelled at her. Man, I wish other women back home were the same like this." This was actually quite surprising because I've yelled at a lot of people in my days and believe me, there are a few people that I might have regretted telling off to. But, Fluttershy? She was willing to actually understand WHY I yelled at her. Now, all of this narrating is starting to make my stomach a bit more empty, which reminds me. "Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, do you have any chow or not? My stomach's emptying itself like a suction horse sucking up water in a 20-gallon fish tank." Hold on, why do I know that? Also, HAHAHAHAHAHA!! *Relaxing sigh* Suction horse.
"Oh, actually, I bought some new ingredients for my new stew recipe just yesterday. I can cook it up for the two of us.......if-if that's okay with you." Well, I'm not such a big fan of stew either, but I'll take what I can get.
"Sure, why not? At least, it's better than an empty bowl of air and oxygen." Her giggling from my joke was enough of an answer for her to get up from the couch and walk to the kitchen area with a happy smile. Man, I still don't know why, but my guts say that I'll be starting to like this place a little more than expected. As long as nothing dangerous ( well, MORE dangerous ) appears, I'll be as happy as a brown f**king lark. Hey, it's a common expression! Get with it!
As she neared the kitchen, she stopped and turned around to say, "Oh, and you can help yourself to the couch, if you want, Church." Usually, I would be honored to sit and laze around when someone tells me too, but with that bunny glaring at me like that, I will now object.
"Uh, that's okay, Fluttershy. I think I'm good just standing with my legs."
"Alright, just call me if you need anything." Those were the last words of her sweet mellow voice before she continued trotting ( I think that's the correct word ) into the kitchen. I looked at Angel who was putting on a "You're lucky" face. I normally don't need luck and just wing it, but I bet he does. Right as the winged horse was out of sight, I came closer to the bunny who was obviously cautious when I did and stopped before speaking in a threatening voice you'd hear in a horror film.
"I will stab you, you motherf**king piece of s**ty crap."
Hi, my name is Church. If you've read what happened last time, you'll know that I got fragmented, ended up in a weird forest, carried a yellow horse named Fluttershy to her house, and also befriended her. Not the same as always, but still pretty weird like everything in my life. As of right now, I'm waiting for the said horse to return with the stew she promised while trying to not pay too much attention to Angel, her pet douche bunny and his gazing. I don't know what this guy's problem is, but if he doesn't stop staring at me like that, I'm gonna start having some really dark thoughts in about a few seconds that involve me spilling some blood. Without even coming up with it, my brain had another smart ass plan and I bet you that it's absolutely gonna scar that bunny for the rest of today.....or maybe his life. Who knows? I turned my top 90 degrees to the right and explained to him: "Hey, did you know that my species can eat YOUR species, cooked or RAW? Cause, if you didn't, now you do." It didn't seem to affect him at first, but when he turned away from me and even if I couldn't see it, his face looked like as if he ate an entire shaker of salt in less than a minute. And to that I say HA! Who's scared now, sucka!?
"Alright, Church. Here's that stew I promised." Fluttershy's voice called out to me when I was uncontrollably giggling as quiet as I can and was balancing a tray that had two bowls of stew on it. Caboose tried something like this once back at Blood Gulch, but as we all should expect, it didn't go so well. Once she approached me, she quickly noticed Angel's "current condition" which I'm still proud of myself for before putting the tray down on the floor. If I get busted right now, then I'll do what I've done as usual: knock her unconscious, make sure the animals say nothing about this to anybody ( well, I guess they wouldn't be able to anyway, cause, you know, they're animals ), and then run for my freaking life while they call me "Public Enemy #1". Why am I getting the feeling I'm gonna get a lot of hate just for saying that? "Angel? Is there something wrong?" Luckily, that bastard seemed too disgusted because he only shook his head which I would thank him for if he wasn't such an A-hole.
"Are you sure? It looks like something is really-" Before she got anymore curious, I was fast enough to stop her from figuring out.
"Hey, Fluttershy. Why don't we just let him be? Looks to me that he wants some time alone for now and we should respect his business, shouldn't we?" That speech was all I ever wish Tucker and Caboose could talk about when I want some alone time.
"Well, I guess you're right, Church. I should stop worrying about it." Oh, thank Lord. Getting back to the matter at hand here, me and Fluttershy sat down nicely on the green wooden floor and looked at both of our bowls of stew. My God, it's a miracle my nose can actually smell food again 'cause these puppies smell SO FREAKING GOOD. In fact, I haven't smelled anything this nice since what feels like.....forever.
"I assume that the second one's yours, right?"
"Of course! You didn't expect for you to be the only one having lunch, did you?" And that was the moment when I noticed there was no silverware anywhere on the tray.
"Hey, Fluttershy? Where the Hell are the spoons?"
"Oops, I forgot! I'll just go and get some right away." Really? She really forgot about spoons? What does she forget about forks and knives as well? Fortunately for us, she didn't really need to stand up and walk again because two birds had flown down and already had two spoons in their talons. Okay, seriously, I really don't get this now. I thought birds only grabbed stuff to either feed it to their babies or use it as material for their crappy nests. "Oh, nevermind! I guess you two have it covered." Right as she said that, the birds let go of the spoons and flew back to wherever the Hell they came from. I would've asked about that, but I've had a very depressing day so far, so I'm just gonna let myself relax and enjoy my meal.
"Great, can we eat now?"
"Oh wait, Church. There's just one more thing...."
"*SIGH*" Oh, c'mon! You've already made our meal and we already have spoons to eat with! WHAT! IS IT! NOW!? Oh, wait.....
"How are you supposed to eat the stew with that helmet of yours on? You won't be able to eat at all."
"........Wow, I guess I've never even thought of that before now that you've mentioned it." Huh, I guess being an A.I. for the rest of your life doesn't really give you the idea about how you would function in a normal body, including eating, as a matter of fact. "I guess I'm gonna have to take off my helmet now, aren't I?"
"Well, i-if you want to, that is." Well, there's no more use in hiding my handsome-as-Hell face, so I guess I have no other choice unless I want part of my helmet to be covered in a hot, delicious admixture.
"I'll take my chances...." Alright, time for the moment of truth. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR A FACE REVEAL! Wait, did I just do Sarge's thing? Hey, he was right! That IS sorta fun! Okay, Church. Less talking, more face revealing. "I just hope she doesn't freak out again like last time. I do NOT wanna be carrying a body anywhere I go looking like a bloody murderer!" And just like that, I placed both of my hands on each side of my helmet, gave it a little shake, and finally,........!
WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
PLEASE STAND BY
Whoops! Sorry about that! We ran into a little trouble with some.....stuff there. Anywho, during our little meal inside of her house, Fluttershy had explained that her friend, Twilight.......something, had actually met humans before by going through some magical portal that only opens once every thirty moons. Okay, I have no clue what the definition of "moons" has to do with anything, but I think Simmons said something one time about "moons" genuinely meaning "months" or some crap. Why don't they just call it months then? Does everything in this universe have to be some form of riddle? After we've finished up our stew, ( not gonna lie, it was pretty badass ) Fluttershy instantly suggested that we go out and see if this Twilight Sparkle character knows anything on how to send me back. I was really hyped as ever when I heard this, but thanks to me removing my cobalt helmet, remembered that I could look like some blood thirstymonster bent on world domination to others. The reason I thought of this was because she also mentioned about the town nearby had horse residents and made me have second thoughts about going to her friend's place.
And this is the part where I wished my second opinions held me back from revealing myself to the four-legged public.
"This was a dumbass plan."
"Please calm down, Church. We're already near Twilight's place."
Those didn't do much, obviously. Fluttershy and I were nearing her place at this moment and have luckily survived from being chased by ponies ( Fluttershy mentioned the right word for them ) holding torches and pitchfork and yelling out "Burn the blue witch/alien thing!!". The pegasus ( she also explained about that ) kept telling me not to worry too much and just trust her. At least, this one I can actually trust on because from I've learned, trust has put me in a lot of trouble that I can't stop looking back at and somewhat feeling guilty for. After surviving from being stared fearfully at by the town residents, my eyes exploded when we had reached Twilight's house. And by house, I, of course, mean A GIANT FREAKING CASTLE!
"Is...is that....?"
"It sure is! Welcome to Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle!" I-wha-she-WHAT!?!? PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE'S CASTLE!?!? WHY DIDN'T SHE JUST TELL ME ABOUT THIS SOONER!?!? WHAT THE F-!?!? *Calming breaths* Alright, Church. Don't get too stressed at this. I mean, it's just a giant castle. A giant castle that's made of crystal and has a shiny and beautiful design, and some of it is based on a giant tree, and.......I'm just gonna shut up for now. Still, I was a little shocked from its appearance and was also having a hard time breathing from disbelief, but was still going with it as calm as I could be.
"Has that always been there?"
"Pretty much a year, honestly."
"Just take your time to admire it, Church. Then, you're possibly going to think that you can really trust Twilight in time." I did admire it and it was gorgeous. I don't remember the last time I've seen anything this pretty. Or shiny and sunlight-reflective. The waterfall in the background was especially helpful in making it look more amazing, not gray and dirty like the several crappy bases we've had. I thought her place was only going to be like the other houses ( which, by the way, didn't look very advanced compared with the ones from my universe ), but apparently, that wasn't the case. Now, with no more gawking at the sight of the castle, I gathered myself and was ready to proceed.
"Wow, it's....beautiful....." Ahem! I said I gathered myself and was ready to PROCEED!? "But, that won't be enough to stop me from my goal. Now, shall we go inside?" Thank you!
"Why yes. We shall." Her sweet and mellow voice was enough for a positive answer and we both walked up the flight of stairs and I was about to push open the doors when I heard voices coming from inside.
"Ow, be more gentle, Twiblight!!"
"It's Twilight! And I'm trying to be as gentle as possible!"
"Well, be MORE gentle! Hey, you know what? I think you're just like the ladies back in my world; I ask them to be gentle, but they always want to do it the HARD way. Bow chicka bow- OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!! Watch it, that's my special place!!"
The loud voices were enough for me and Fluttershy to pick up and immediately recognize. Well, actually, each of us could only identify one respective voice and one of them clearly did something to piss off the pony in the castle ( like the female voice and the tone wasn't obvious ). I was thinking of the voice's owner too much that I was heard muttering a word by Fluttershy. "Oh my! What's going on in there?!"
"Tucker....."
"Who?" I didn't have any time to explain and hurriedly kicked the doors open, startling my winged companion and confusing her even more when I dashed through the entrance in hopes of finding my friend. Okay, technically, he's not my FRIEND friend and more of like someone who's always there whenever I get bored. "Church, wait!" I didn't stop for her and kept running and running while sweat was covering the side of my face and also the rest of my head, but I didn't care enough to stop for that either. I didn't even know why I was running for this pervert, but I only focused on being there for my friend. I just said the "F" thing, did I? No, not that "F" thing, God dammit! I stopped for a brief cool down before I heard his voice again, but then followed by a different voice, this one sounding a lot more male-like.
"Hey, hey! Watch the ass, you purple alien thing!"
"My name's Spike and I'm NOT an alien! I'm a dragon, for Celestia's sack!"
"You sure about that? 'Cause your similarities pretty much match up for an ali- OW, SHARP F**KING CLAWS ON MY ASS!!"
I figured out I was lost in one of the hallways until their bickering helped me to change my direction to the east, "That way!" and rushed their instead. Also, "Celestia's sack"? Is that another god or something? After a few more doors, I finally reached the one door where I could hear them clearer through. They were still arguing about something I probably don't wanna know, so I wasted no time to forcefully push the pair of double doors open to reveal the three sources: The Three Musketeers. Just kidding, they were just another pony ( only this one not only had a pair of wings , but a freaking horn as well ), a little lizard creature thingy, and one of the soldiers of Blue Team, Lavernius Tucker A.K.A. the only black guy in the team who somehow got stuck in the wall just to my northwest.
"Church, it's you!"
"Good to see you too, Tucker. How's life been going for ya'?"
"Eh, pretty s**tty so far."
"Yeah, I can imagine." We both exchanged laughs which actually felt good and disturbingly comfortable, but I guess we both never really cared about it. Then, I recalled the pony and lizard alien thing that Tucker was impressively fast enough to figure out about and started explaining.
"Oh, right. Twilight and uh,...." He would've snapped his fingers to help himself to remember more if his hand wasn't stuck to the crystal-made wall.
"SPIKE." The small guy stated as he crossed his arms in annoyance.
"Right, right. Anyway, this is Leonard Church, the brave leader of Blue Team." Good thing he didn't describe me as the S-hole he was or else I won't be able to feel sorry for this guy anymore. "Say hi, Church."
"Hey." I noticed that the unicorn/pegasus hybrid "experiment that went horribly wrong" had her jaw hanging in surprise and sudden shock. "Yo, buddy. I think your friend there needs help."
"Oh, right!" Spike tried his waving hand in front of her face which obviously didn't work. "Uh, I'm gonna go help Twilight out of this trance. In the meantime, I think you should help out your friend with, you know,....that." Yes and you could've just said "with the wall" and not just wave your hand over at a black guy's penis. Unnecessary and inappropriate. "C'mon, Twilight."
The little guy got the frozen horse to move her legs, but not her mouth or face. I wouldn't normally care about minor stuff like this, but I just hope her face unfreezes in time for me to ask a few question I've got in mind. "Sooo, ya' gonna get me outta here or am I just gonna have to live in this stupid wall for the rest of my life?" If only Tucker's crappy mouth didn't have me stop resting and helping him out with his issue. Hey, I was going to do it anyway!
"I don't know, Tucker. Should I or should I not pull you out because you're probably the only one I've found so far as a friend?" That joke didn't seem to ease his patience, not like it would ever work for anyone.
"Just get me outta here, you freaking prick."
"Fine. Can't take a joke once in a while?" I wasn't only interested in seeing where me trying to pull him out of there leads, rather I'm also interested that the META's armor hasn't even received a dent when he was forced into that wall somehow. Man, that armor's as durable as Hell. "Hey, I see you're still into the META's armor."
"Right, it's so surprising to forget to change your armor when you teleport to a place you've never f**king been to once."
"Alright, alright. Enough hissy fits." Just as I grab hold of Tucker's legs, Fluttershy entered the room and saw what happened.
"Church, there you are! Why did you run off like that?!"
"Dude, you've already got a horse chick!? That's so not fair!"
"Tucker, she's not a chick! And furthermore, we've only met a few minutes ago!"
"So, does that mean-?"
"NO, GOD!!"
"Um, Church. Am I......did I miss anything?" Out heads turned to each other before looking back at the yellow pegasus. And since I was already ticked off at Tucker here, I merely said this:
"Yeah, you could say that."
But, three questions remain:
1) Will I ( and Tucker ) ever find a way back home?
2) Could the other guys have also been sent here?
3) And has anyone ever noticed the lack of heavy swearing in my narration lately?
Welp, certainly wasn't expecting this to happen, but it happened. Hi, my name's Frank Dufresne, but people always complain about my name being too difficult to pronounce, so they ( and by "they", I mean a familiar team of blue-armored soldiers ) decided to give me the nickname "Doc". And when I expected for this name to not last very long, it seemed to just fit with me. I've been with the Reds and Blues for a really long time now, excluding the moments where I was absent, and have had some exciting yet dangerous experiences with these guys. For example, one time, an orange soldier by the name of Dexter Grif unintentionally threw an alien-built teleportation grenade at me when he was testing it out with a few crates that unknowingly sent me to another dimension ( that I won't be mentioning ).
Ah, yes. The memories are just so gratifying.
Oh, yeah. And that's where I "reunited" with him. Say hi, O'Malley!
Hello, you incompetent stooges. I hope you have life insurance, because if you don't, your families are going to have to start working at Wendy's after you've faced OBLIVION!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
O'Malley! You're making a bad first impression of yourself! We rehearsed this!
Oh, shut up, you fool! The audience loves it when I mercilessly insult them all!
Can we please get back to the main topic!?
Oh, alright. If you need me, I'll be muttering heinous words under your breath until you decide to punch yourself in the face.
Yeah, good luck with that. Anyway, without any further interruptions, let's get on with the story, shall we? It all started when me and the others were about to go all out on a few black-armored soldiers when this white flash appeared out of nowhere and blinded all of us until we could see again. I had no idea what could've caused it, but I was a little preoccupied with my own preferred questions. What did it do exactly? Did it send us to another location or something else? And this is when I found myself dangling over an edge to ginormous gorge, probably about a few hundred meters in width and height. My hands were getting a little tired from keeping from falling to my doom, so now I tried to find any other things I could use to climb and luckily, this gorge acquired a few rock ledges that looked perfect to use.
Oh, really? Because I would say those ledges look more rickety than useful.
Anyway, I spotted the nearest long rock ledge to the right and reached for it until I successfully grabbed it and let go of the previous one. I may not be much of a climber than I am a track-runner, but at least, I hoped for me to get out this pickle with no difficulty whatsoever.
OH GOD, I'M GONNA DIIIIIE!!!!!
And that's when we found the lemon head.
You do know he's actually orange, right?
Of course, you idiot! Do you think I'm blind?!
No? Let's just continue. As I heard that voice, I quickly recognized it as Captain ( formerly private ) Grif's own voice and looked further to my right to the point where I clearly saw him, hanging onto a branch. Quite frankly, I had no idea if I should be glad or be feeling...what's the word again?
Doomed? Unlucky? Like you want to punch him until he cries like a grown baby?
Uh,....something like that. The first thing I tried to do was to call him from where I was. "HEY, GRIF!!" Thankfully, the gorge helped my voice echo off the walls and to my out-of-shape comrade.
"DOC!? DOC, IS THAT YOU!?"
"YEAH, IT'S ME!! YOU NEED A HAND OVER THERE!?"
"Do I need a hand over- OF COURSE I NEED A F**KING HAND OVER HERE! NOW!!"
"OKAY! I'M GONNA CLIMB UP HERE FIRST SO I COULD PULL YOU UP LATER OVER THERE!"
"HOLD ON! CAN YOU EVEN MANAGE THAT!?"
"HOPEFULLY!"
*Sigh* "ALRIGHT, BUT IF DIE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOUR MEDICAL SKILLS HAD NOT BEEN THE BEST! NOT AT ALL!"
"IT'S OKAY! I'VE HEARD THAT MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT!!"
After my little chat with Grif, I swung from ledge to ledge, slowly making my way out of the gorge. I kept reminding not to look down, otherwise, I would've passed out by now. "Almost there...." I was getting closer to what I say was the final ledge that lead up to the surface and grabbed onto the second ledge with both hands. But when I did, I heard a breaking sound and it turned out to be the rock which instantaneously broke itself apart ( hey, kinda like that ship we once crash landed ) which made me fall, "WOAH, NELLY!!" but fortunately, grasped a convenient branch in time with one hand. "Whew! That was a close one." My heavy breathing was hard to take control of and my heart literally skipped a beat when I fell.
"DOC, ARE YOU ALRIGHT OVER THERE!?"
"YES, I'M FINE! I JUST SLIPPED......A LITTLE!"
"WELL THEN, HURRY THE F**K UP! I CAN'T FEEL MY FINGERS ANYMORE!"
"OH, QUITE WHINING, YOU COCK SUCKER!!"
"YOU QUITE WHINING!"
With a sigh of minor aggravation, I made a second attempt and climbed to the top but with caution this time. I made sure to only test out the rocks' durability and how much weight it could carry by placing only one hand on the rock before confirming if it was safe enough or not. Eventually, my strategy surprisingly worked because once I've grabbed onto the final ledge, I pulled the rest of myself up and placed my soles on the green grass once I did. Man, I was glad to get out of that mess and whoever says I'm not capable of rock climbing?
How about Jimmy Grandon from 4th grade? Or Tessie Almeida from college?
Well, thank you, O'Malley. Now, I'll be sure to trust you in lots of more stuff than now.
That better not be sarcasm.......
Moving on, "Phew! Finally got outta that situation." my short-lived celebration reminded me of Grif for some odd reason, "Now, to help Grif." and hurried along to Grif's spot. Once I did, I could observe him, still dangling froma ledge which was not very far from several other ledges around him. I would've asked about that, but then I realized it was GRIF, so everything pretty much checks out.
"GRIF, GIVE ME YOUR HAND!" I extended my hand to him and I could tell he was metaphorically urinating in his armor's lower half.
"AND YOU'RE SURE THIS IS GONNA WORK!?"
"CAN'T MAKE ANY PROMISES! Actually, now that I've said it aloud, I don't like making promises at all."
*Sigh* "THAT'LL HAVE TO DO!"
After gathering his seemed-to-be courage, Grif jumped a bit before grasping my hand and right before that rock ledge crumbled in pieces as well. But, here's where I wished I remembered who I was pulling up: I tried pulling him up to safe ground, but he was a lot heavier than I imagined. Man, Sarge really needs to whip him up in shape more, or else, Grif's gonna regret not taking those training exercises in his past years as a private. And maybe I should've taken arm exercises when I was still in high school because Grif's weight might be a little too, uh,.......much for me.
Smooth.
"Uh, Doc? Why aren't you pulling me up?"
"I'm trying, but I think you're a bit too heavy for me to lift!"
"Are you saying that I'm fat?"
"What!? Nooooooooooo-well, maybe."
"Ah, I don't blame ya'. People have always said that I'm fat and after hearing a lot of times over and over again, I've come to accept that I am indeed a little overweight." Wow, that's the most truthful thing he's ever explained since, I guess, forever? Maybe I should tell Sarge about this when or IF I'm able to find him in time.
"Wow, Grif. That was the most honest statement you've ever made."
"I know. I'm a really honest guy." I knew that wasn't true because he's lied many times to the soldiers back on Chorus. Once at Valhalla, Sarge was scheduling him to have a little chat with him which was undoubtedly about something not very pretty. Grif had no trouble figuring this out, so he asked Caboose for help and painted his armor from blue to orange. He could've also swapped his helmet for Caboose's, but he felt like painting was exhausting as enough as it was. And trust me on this one, the results were unbelievable!
After a moment of thinking, I attempted my plan one more time and pulled Grif with all of my strength, but then, I soon noticed that Grif was using a rock grabbing point to boost himself up even more. He calls it excessive thinking, I call it ways to actually help someone who's trying to help you. And as I saw more of his structure emerging from the edge, his legs were eventually able to touch the surface as well and got out of the situation, at last. "Whew! Now, that situation could've gone bad!"
"Yeah, but once again, we've somehow managed to get ourselves out of another one of mother nature's natural tests."
"HA! YOU HEAR THAT, MOTHER NATURE!?!? YOU'RE NO MATCH FOR THE AWESOME ABILITIES OF SURVIVAL OF US HOMO F**KING SAPIENS!!" Wait, how does he know that? Ah, whatever. If I should be asking that to anybody, it should be Caboose. Now, that we got outta there, it was time to find our way around this place, wherever this is.
"So, Grif? ......How's it goin'?"
"Well, let me summerize: I was blinded by a white light, I was dangling onto a giant gorge, and I could've practically fallen to my doom if it weren't for you helping me out. As far as I'm concerned, it pretty much sucked a few seconds ago."
"So, you good, then?" My ears picked up a growl from Grif and something told me he wasn't calming down as I wished.
"Whatever, let's just go." He started walking away in a random direction.
"Wait, where are we going?"
"Where do you think, jackass? Into that forest!" He pointed his finger at the clearly spooky and dark forest. I couldn't tell if he was lazy AND insane or just plain insane. Either way, this was a bad idea.
"Um, i-isn't there a safer path we could go?"
"Well, you could always jump into the gorge and die."
Okay, I know that I said I loved OBLIVION!!! But, not exactly when it happens to me.
You mean us?
Uh,....sure.
"O-On second thought, Grif, maybe I'll just stick with your idea." I grew a nervous chuckle. I waited for him to respond, but then saw that he was already taking off into the depths of the woodlands. I didn't want to be alone again, so I ran for him. "Wait, Grif! Wait for me! I don't want to be left out again!"
Church's POV
After finally getting my annoying and perverted friend out of the wall, me and Tucker, along with the two horses and one alien- I mean, dragon, were explaining everything we knew about the life on Earth. Our traditions, our behaviors, our knowledge. Ya' know, basic crap and whatnot. Tucker was still having trouble understanding how life handles in this universe since that Twilight Sparkle horse or pony, as they mentioned it, said that we were on the planet Equis. I swear, is everything on this planet named after some sort of horse-related word?!
"Hm, so I see." Twilight said after we told her about what happened before we got here. Let's just hope it was enough info for her. "You and your friends were defending yourselves against an army of black-armored soldiers, but suddenly, you all were blinded by a bright flash of light and came here?"
"Okay, one: yes. And two: they're not exactly our friends, but we just follow them around for the hell of it." For once, he was right. We might not be friends at all, but that exactly doesn't stop us from having badass adventures all around the world. It's just in our nature.
"Speaking of which, hey Tucker." He turned his attention. "How did you actually manage to get stuck in that wall in the first place?"
"Well, why don't ask Twilblight Sparkle here who was RESPONSIBLE FOR BLASTING ME INTO SAID WALL!!" Yeesh, anger issues. Wait a minute,.....
"Hey, it wasn't my fault! I didn't know you would so randomly show up out of nowhere!"
"Tough tits, you horny horse!" I watched them butt heads with each other ( Hehe, butt heads ) and saw that Fluttershy and the little guy, Spike, were terrified at their actions. I, for one, was somehow enjoying seeing them fight, but suddenly felt the urge to help both of them out. I, of course, disagreed with myself, but came to an unbelievable conclusion to stop this at once.
"Alright, you guys!" I yelled and pushed both of them away from one another. "Break it up! Break it up!" I knew this was a terrible idea.
"Oh, c'mon, Church! I thought you liked watching friends fight!" Weeeell, that IS true.
"Weeeell, that IS true." Oh, son of a-! "But, I think this time, I'll make an exception. You two need to apologize to each other right this instant, otherwise you both are gonna have a talk with my little friends!" I tried to threaten them by bringing my fists up in a boxing-ish kind of pose. Obviously, they weren't threatened, but after they gathered their thoughts, they decided to make up. I should be lucky they weren't THOSE kind of people who, after apologizing, ask each other if they want some - OKAY, NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT!!
"What did I say?" Her growling wasn't scary at all, but eventually, they both shook hands.....or hooves or whatever. I'm just glad they made up with each other. Now, I'll have one less individual to worry about getting killed by. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm gonna get killed anyway. Accident or not.
"Alright, so we all cool?" I received nods from all five of us except me and I was relieved. "Cool! .......So, now what?"
"Yeah, now what?"
I had to agree with Tucker ( and myself, of course ). We were getting bored already. Boy, I guess being on wild and bull-crappy adventures all the time actually makes you forget how it feels to be bored and not having the adventures of a lifetime. Dude, boredom and not doing anything sucks. Like, really, REALLY sucks!
"Well, we could always-" Twilight would have finished her full sentence if somepony ( Fluttershy taught me that too ) hadn't burst through the doors on the spur of the moment. Wait, am I using horse language now? *sigh* Anyway, the individual was a slightly lighter shade of pink than Twilight, also acquired a horn ( but no wings ), and had a hairstyle that probably Carolina or Sister would be jealous of. Y'know, if they were hair models.
"Twilight! Twilight!" The unexpected individual called to her...."friend", I guess? Why do I still pause every time I want to say...."friend"? - Oh, goddammit! "There's an emergency down at town square! And not the normal type of emergency!"
'Yeah, like there even is such thing as a "normal" emergency.' I thought in my head, calling back all the times I had to deal with random daily bull-sugar back at our bases ( GOD, WHY CAN'T I STILL CURSE!!?? ).
"Starlight, calm down! What is it? What's going on?" The pony ( who I will now name "Starlight" ) did as her friend told.
Meanwhile,.....
"Psst! Hey, Church! You think I've got a chance with that new horse chick over there?"
"Don't even think about it, you jackass-pervert."
"Ah, you're right. She's not my favorite color anyway."
"Yeah-wait, what?"
Back to these ponies,.....
"Well, I was just trotting through Ponyville like always," Starlight began explaining her conundrum. "when all of the sudden, ponies started running away from something!"
"Alright, then what was this 'something'?" Twilight asked. And y'know, something about these two make me feel.....familiar. Eh, it'll come to me soon, probably.
"I-I didn't observe very clearly, but what I do know is that it stood on two legs-" Huh, kinda like me and Tucker. "-, was wearing some type of blue armor or something-" Hm, that sounds - wait, did she just say BLUE armor? "-, and had a weapon on its back! I didn't know what kind, it seemed alien almost!" A weapon? On his back? Okay, now I DEFINITELY remember something like this? But, what was it? Or WHO was it?
"Can you give me any more details? Like if it could speak or-"
"Wait, yes! I remember it could talk! But, what confused me was that it said something about......."
Well, spit it out, woman! Spit it out, YOU SUSPENSION-LOVING BIT-!!
".......taxes?"
.........I must be hearing things. I MUST be hearing things. I HAVE GOT. TO BE. HEARING. THINGS.
"Taxes? Why taxe-?"
"CABOOSE!!"
"........"
"........"
"........"
"........Uh, who are these two-?"
We didn't even say a single word to Starlight because me and Tucker had already poofed out of there. And, of course, by "poofed", I mean we ran out of the room so fast that we left cloud copies of ourselves behind. Unfortunately, those two said copies vanished away as soon as we left. Rest in peace, Church and Tucker clouds. Oh, great! I just realized something! Those guys never even SAID "Rest In Peace" to me the first time I "died"! What is my life coming to!? *several calming breaths* Okay, Church. Just.....relax. You don't wanna start throwing up blood before you finish this narration. *calming sigh* Man, haven't had one of those in years. An eternity, maybe even.
After enough staring at the doors which me and Tucker went through to exit the castle, Fluttershy decided to speak up. "Oh, dear. We should probably go after them to make sure they don't hurt themselves."
"And to see if they know anything about that blue-armored-creature outside." Twilight stated.
