Urinals aren't Equine Friendly

by ROBCakeran53

First published

Anon wonders why there aren't any urinals in Equestria.

Anon goes to use the public restroom, only to discover the lack of urinals. This confuses him. Potty talk ensues.



Pre-Read and heckled by FlutterPriest and The Skeetster,

Stand Up to be Tall, Sit Down to be Small

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Anon looked at the selection before him. To say it was a vast one would be a bold faced lie. To say he was at all surprised would be an exaggeration. The best way to explain it, from his human standpoint would be confused.

The public restrooms in Ponyville had always intrigued him. He’d never stepped foot into one, only using the services at his friends’ houses or his own apartment. The couple times he’d used the bathroom at a restaurant, it was only meant for a single pony, so the lower seating bowl made sense. A standard toilet for a unisex bathroom just made sense.

So when Anon had decided that he had to use the little Anon’s room, he felt now would be a good time to end his curiosity. It just wasn’t what he was expecting.

Before him sat half a dozen open stalls, all showing that same, generic low bowl toilet that he was accustomed to seeing. At first he’d feared he had intruded into the mare’s restroom, but double checking the placard on the door said no; no he was in the stallions restroom.

While his mind wanted him to march back out there and question his waiting friends just what the flying goose feather, he had to actually use the bathroom.

When all was said and done, he stepped out of the restroom, still drying his hands with some paper towel before he deposited it into the waste bin outside the door. Waiting for him there was Twilight Sparkle, and Rarity… uh… just Rarity he guessed.

“Welcome back, Anon!” Twilight greeted him happily, Rarity too giving him a smile. “Now, as I was saying-”

“Why are there no urinals in the men- I mean, stallion’s room?”

Both mares looked to the human, confused.

“Urinals? What’s a urinals?”

“I think that was plural, Rarity. Urinal would be singular, right?” Twilight turned to the human.

“Yes, and to go deeper into this question, you don’t know what a urinal is?”

Both mares shook their heads.

This… was interesting?

“It’s basically a stand up toilet.”

Both mares looked between each other, then to Anon, and then erupted into laughter.

“Oh Anon, you’re so silly!” Twilight said.

“I must agree, we really should hang out more often,” Rarity added.

Both mares began walking ahead, leaving Anon standing alone.

“No, really. There aren’t urinals in Equestria?”

For a second time, both mares paused to look at the human.

“Dear, I do believe Anon is being serious,” Rarity said, looking at Anon while simultaneously talking to Twilight.

Twilight leaned her head to Rarity, also keeping her eyes on Anon, “What do you think we should do?” she whispered.

“Uh, I can hear you two. And it’s not secret, I’m just curious if urinals really don’t exist here.”

Twilight marched back towards Anon. “Well, I think the best way to answer that is to first delve into what a urinal actually is, so that maybe we have the equivalent and it is just named differently.”

Rarity joined the two.

“Well, like I said, it’s basically a standing toilet that mounts on a wall for m-stallions.”

“Why in Equestria would a stallion need a stand up toilet?” Rarity asked.

“On a wall no less, that doesn’t sound very sanitary,” Twilight added.

“Any less sanitary than a regular toilet?” Anon asked, hands on his hips.

“Touche,” Rarity said.

“Okay, Anon, so you say you have these urinals back on Earth, right?” Anon nodded. “And they’re for males to use?” Again, Anon nodded. “Okay, so then why exactly would a male human need to use one?”

“To pee.”

“...” Both mares were silent.

“Darling, you can use a normal toilet for that.”

“Well, for us guys it’s more convenient to use a urinal when we just gotta take a tinkle. They use less water because they’re only designed for liquids, not solids or tissue paper.”

Twilight hummed at that. “That… actually makes some sense.”

“But I still don't see why it would be standing, or on a wall,” Rarity spoke up.

“Well, because of a male’s… anatomy,” Anon blushed a little.

“I don’t follow, darling.”

“It’s simple Rarity. Male’s have a penis and females have a-”

Yes, Twilight, I took health class just like every other filly in school. What I meant was why would that have anything to do with standing while, pardon me, urinating?”

“Well, that’s because… uh… how do I explain?” Anon looked around the park.

Ponies were out playing frisbee, others enjoying the shade of the maple trees. He saw a mare watering some flowers with a garden hose-

That was it!

“Okay, so let's say you have a garden hose, okay?”

Both mares cocked a brow, but nodded along.

“Good, now put that garden hose between your hind legs.”

“I BEG YOUR PARDON?” Rarity all but shouted.

“Is it hot or cold water?” Twilight asked, before shrinking back at Rarity’s glare.

“Just, go with me on this, okay? And it’s just, uh, luke warm?”

Both mares nodded their heads.

“Okay, so that hose is between your hind legs, hanging under your barrel. Now, turn it on, how does it spray?”

“Downwards,” Twilight said.

“Correct, just like a stallion pony would I’m to presume.”

“But of course,” Rarity agreed.

“Now, keep that hose there, and stand up on your hind legs.”

Twilight and Rarity looked at one another, then to Anon. While Rarity imagined it, Twilight actually stood up on her hind legs, although very shakily.

“Wow, okay, I didn’t think you were actually gonna do it. Anyway, so now turn the water on. Where does it go?”

“Straight-” Twilight began, then stopped, realization hitting her.

“Ding ding ding!” Anon clapped his hands. “And there you have it, ladies, the urinal.”

“Wow, I never knew human anatomy could be so… confusing.” Rarity scratched the back of her head.

“It’s actually rather fascinating. Until now, I never paid any attention to just how different your bodily functions are because of you being a bipedal.”

Anon clapped his hands together. “Good! So now you see why I’m confused. Although I also answered my own question why you don’t have them, because you’re quadrupeds, so it’s a win-win.” Anon then walked past the mares.

Both Rarity and Twilight stood there, looking at one another.

“Ladies? You coming or not?”

“So, if they urinate standing up…” Twilight began her thought.

“What does that mean when they…” Rarity continued, before a blush hit her face.

Twilight was on the same page, for her face also went crimson.

“What?” Anon asked.

“Well, bringing up how you relieve yourself, it got us curious of how you, well…” Rarity tried to best explain it.

“How do you have sex then? Standing up as well?”

All three were silent. Anon, ever so gently, patted both ponies on their puffy heads, then walked over to the mare watering her flowers. He greeted her, complimented on how well her flowers were going, then walked back with her garden hose, pinched at the end with his fingers.

When he returned, he released the hose and sprayed the two mares in the face with a jet stream of cold water. As the mares shouted in surprise and obscenities at Anon, he could only think of one thing.

This is why I need some guy friends...