The embodiment of bad luck comes to Ponyville, and anypony foolish enough to cross his path meets disaster. And he's very sorry.
Oh it's bad luck to be Woebegone.
He's got nowhere to go or return to, but he can't stay where he is. For long at least. His presence is enough to bring disaster to himself and those around him, so this apologetic nomad of devastation and misfortune wanders around aimlessly.
Last time he was spotted, he was heading into Ponyville.
*This story is cursed and may bring about bad luck to all who read it. Possible side-effects include: dizziness, déjà vu, stubbed toes, weasel bites, uncontrollable laughter, clogged toilets, sinking ships, flat soda, and dizziness.
A loud groan echoed throughout the halls of Twilight’s castle and into her ears as the floor beneath her shook. All of the books on the table in front of her slid to the right, as though they fell victim to an invisible force. Now, Twilight was a self-proclaimed expert on books, and she knew for a fact that books didn’t move on their own (no matter how alive some of them may seem), so something was definitely up -- or down, as the case may be. Books slipped off the table and plopped on the floor. Her tea saw its friends jump off the cliff and went to join them.
“No!” Twilight shouted and grabbed the tea before it could spill. Twilight had solved one of her dilemmas. Now she only had about a dozen more to go. All around her in the throne room, vases tipped over and rolled to her right and smashed against the walls. Banners and curtains all at once leaned toward the same wall the smashed vases collected on. Up above, the memory stones that hung from the chandetree intertwined and tinkled like a windchime.
“Twilight!” Spike clawed his way on the inclining floor down a hallway and through the door to the Element of Harmonys’ throne room. “What’s happening? The castle’s turning upside down!”
“I don’t know, Spike. I-- ah!” Her grip on the crystal floor gave, and she slipped down toward the dragon. She fanned out her wings to catch herself in mid-tumble, but it was too late. A wing smacked the door frame and knocked her off center. She collided into Spike, and the two tumbled down a long hallway, bouncing off of pillars and stairs and each other until they crashed through a window and landed on the grass with a thud. Luckily for Spike, she was able to break his fall with Twilight’s spine.
Spike climbed off Twilight, who moaned in pain and looked at the castle with its new slant. Tilted at a mere 45 degrees to the side, the whole right side of the castle was sinking into the earth. Twilight picked herself up and saw Spike getting a closer look at the hole. “Oh no! The foundation is crumbling! Spike, get away from there. We’ve got to evacuate the area before anypony else gets…”
A scream echoed throughout the castle and grew louder before Starlight Glimmer tumbled out of the same window. She fell with a thud on top of Twilight.
“...hurt.”
Starlight groaned as she crawled off Twilight. “Eh-heh. Thanks for breaking my fall.”
“No problem,” muttered Twilight as she rubbed her heroic, selfless spine.
---
“Thank y’all. Come again.”
Out in the marketplace, Applejack was selling her produce. Everything was going so well that the farmpony believed that nothing could possibly ruin her day. She smiled as she slipped the bits on the counter into her apron pocket. Today was especially profitable since Lyra had decided to set up shop next to her, and by “shop” she meant that she sat on a bench and played her lyre for the foals as the parents shopped about for their groceries. The parents were particularly happy for the distraction and would buy apples for themselves and their children as the foals danced about and listened to Lyra sing before continuing on with their errands. Perhaps Applejack may have to consider making this a regular thing. Her apple pies, apple dumplings, and apple fritters had almost sold out, and it wasn’t even lunch time. She was so happy that she had invested time into making a new wooden, wheeled stall with wider compartments to hold more goodies and keep them warm. She even admired the new sign on top that Pinkie had painted for her. The wooden sign was eye-catching and made her stall stand out even more than usual. She resisted the urge to puff up in pride, but how could she not feel like a million bits with her hard work paying off immensely? That was when the whispers stole her attention.
Applejack looked up and saw a lot of ponies clearing themselves from the center of the street as a slumped being dragged his heels through the town. Wrapped in a raggy, patched-up jacket and wearing a large top hat, the poor creature trudged his way towards Applejack’s stall. Above him was a small but menacing thundercloud that would occasionally flash and let out a small rumble while pouring rain on top of the downtrodden bum; in a useless gesture of defiance, he held up the broken frame of an umbrella. No cloth or plastic was on the bent and crooked metal skeleton to protect him from the punishing rain. With his eyes to the ground in front of his two-toed feet, the bipedal being’s face was hidden underneath the large rim of his oversized hat, but his matted red hair flowed all over his shoulders and down his back.
Dread filled Applejack as the bum approached without slowing its mired pace. Then, almost without warning, the ground crumbled into a hole at his feet, and he fell in face first. There was a metallic clang. Ponies trotted in place, unsure if they should give him aid or stay back. When no help came, a small green hand came up out of the opening, then another with an umbrella frame, and the bum pulled himself up. He muttered something under his breath and continued towards Applejack’s stall. Behind him, a small jet of water streamed up from the ground, as if a new fountain had sprung up in the middle of the road.
Once he was a considerable distance from the hole, ponies rushed up and looked inside the hole. “Goodness gracious,” said one. “He fell right onto a septic line.”
“And it’s leaking!” said another.
“That’s a huge dent!”
Applejack blinked, and there he was right in front of her. From underneath the large rim of the hat, two sunken, tired eyes looked up at her. The guy spoke in a quiet, defeated voice, “Can I buy something to eat, please?”
The pitiful voice plucked Applejack’s heart, and she couldn’t bring herself to respond as she took in every detail of the pony--er--being in front of her. Large, sad bags sagged under his eyes. Wrinkles trailed down the side of his large cheeks, and his tiny button nose sat on the center of his wide, droopy face. A four-leaf clover was stuck in the band around his large top hat, and it too slumped with exhaustion.
Before she could say anything, the little guy pulled out a coin bag from under his coat. It was a patchwork of different colors and patterns, and when he reached in to pull out a few coins, the bottom tore, and his bits spilled on the soakened ground beneath him.
“Oh no, not again,” he muttered as he got down on his knees and picked up his bits.
Applejack couldn’t stand the sight of it. She rushed around the stall and picked up bits alongside him. All the while, the poor guy apologized profusely for causing Applejack so much trouble, which she just as wholeheartedly denied. It was no trouble to help. He apologized for making her get up from behind the stall. She countered saying that it was an opportunity for her to stretch her legs. He apologized for getting her wet. Applejack replied that under today’s brilliant sun, she’d be dry in no time, and therefore it wasn’t a problem. Then he apologized for apologizing so much. Applejack told him to settle down.
Then he apologized.
With the bits collected and put up on the counter, Applejack resumed business as if nothing happened and as if there weren’t a large crowd of gawkers watching. She pointed to all of the goods she had available on her stall. “What’ll ya have?” she said with the cheeriest smile she could muster, hoping that her quality customer service would at least cheer up the bum, if even by a smidge.
The guy looked at all of the sweets and apples on the stall. “Oh, nothing much. Just an apple, please.”
Applejack nodded and took the two juiciest, plumpest apples she could find out of a basket and placed it in front of her customer before sliding one coin to her. “Here ya are, sugarcube.” The guy blinked at the second apple before looking up at Applejack. Before he could correct her, Applejack said, “I’m selling two for one today.” To admit she had given him a second apple out of pity would be rude. She didn’t want to offend this poor fella. Hopefully none of the other ponies behind him had heard her say that. “Limited offer,” she added for extra measure.
As the hobo was putting his remaining coins in one of his coat pockets, Applejack tried to start a conversation. “So, what’s your name, sugarcube? I’m Applejack of Sweet Apple Acres, home of the finest apples in all of Equestria.”
The fella looked up with a small smile slowly spreading on his lips, but it quickly disappeared. “Oh, you don’t want to talk to me. I’m bad luck.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Oh, hogwash. There ain’t such a thing as being bad luck. Sure, sometimes bad things happen, but--”
The fella shook his head. “No, I’m serious. I’m cursed. Everywhere I go, bad things happen.”
At the mention of a ‘curse,’ Applejack flinched and snorted. “Cursed? Now that ain’t true.”
“Oh, but it is. A witch put this curse on me.” He pointed up at the storm cloud above him. “Ever since, this cloud has been haunting me. It is a sign. A warning to all of my bad luck. I’m just no good.”
The little guy reached for the apples and bid his farewells, but Applejack wouldn't let him go. “Oh no you don’t. You ain't leaving until you tell me your name.”
“Woebegone. My name is Woebegone.”
“Well, Woebegone--” Applejack raised her head and put on a huge smile. “--I don’t believe in such things as curses.”
“Whether you believe in them or not doesn’t change my luck. Thank you for the food, Applejack.” Woebegone dipped his head in a courteous nod and took a bite into an apple as he turned away. Applejack wouldn’t let him leave just like that. She’d tried to think of something to say--this Woebegone fella was so accepting of his defeated state that it irritated her. How could he be so willing to accept his suffering? Did he not have a sense of pride or self-respect?
Before she could call him back, Woebegone grabbed his throat and coughed violently before spitting up on the ground. The distressing noises hammered her nerves, and she rushed up to Woebegone and started beating him on the back.
“No, no. I’m not choking,” said Woebegone between coughs. He pointed to the glob of chewed apple on the ground. Applejack looked at it and flinched in disgust, and her heart sank because of her horrible mistake.
In the apple mush were a bunch of crawling, wriggling worms. She looked over Woebegone’s shoulder at the apple in his hand, and there were even more of the disgusting varmints.
“Oh, shucks, I’m awfully sorry about that.” She ran back to the stall and grabbed a new apple. “Here you go, sugarcube.”
Woebegone shook his head and dropped the wormy apple before taking the new apple from Applejack. “No, no. It’s not your fault. It was just my curse.” He took a bite of the new apple.
Applejack resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “It’s probably just a coincidence. You don’t have bad--”
A piece of unchewed apple fell out of Woebegones mouth and he shuddered. Applejack moved in closer to get a look at what was wrong. The sight made her gag. The entire inside of the apple was a mushy brown, as if it had rotted from the inside out.
But how!? It was so firm and a healthy red!
She snatched the rotten apple from Woebegone’s hand and threw it over her shoulder. “Like I said. Coincidences. You’re just focusing on the bad stuff. I’ll eat my hat if that other apple I gave you isn’t fresh and worm-free.”
Woebegone dismissively shrugged and took a bite of the apple. He looked down at the apple as he chewed and swallowed. “Blegh.”
Applejack chewed on her tongue to control herself. “What’s wrong with that one?” She took the apple and looked at the exposed apple flesh. “Well, pull my tail and slap me silly.”
Under the apple skin was a fresh and worm-free orange.
“I don’t like oranges,” commented Woebegone. “I’m terribly sorry, I’ll--”
“No!” interrupted Applejack. “You’re not going to leave my stall without some delicious apples!” She rushed behind Woebegone and pushed him back to her stall. Once he was in place, she rushed back behind the stall and grabbed several apples before pulling out a knife. She ignored Woebegone’s sudden step back at the flash of the blade as she chopped up several apples. With the job done without incident, she put the knife down beside her at the far side of the stall before inspecting each apple slice. A quick nibble on one piece proved the apples were great as usual and put the slices into a paper bag and hoofed it over to Woebegone, who never took his eyes off the knife. “There ya go! Fresh apples. No charge.”
Woebegone looked down at the paper bag and hugged it close to him to keep it out of the rain. He took out a piece, inspected it, and ate it, then hummed in delight and smiled as he crunched on the slice. “Thank you so much, Applejack.” He waved and turned around. “Well, I must be going. Have a nice day.”
Applejack waved back. What he needs is more than a pick-me-up. Proof that his bad luck isn’t a curse. If only…! I know! She trotted over to Woebegone. “Now hold on there, partner.”
Slowly, Woebegone turned to Applejack. “I’m sorry, did I do something?”
“You didn’t, sugarcube.” Applejack shook her head. “Listen, I’m still not convinced, but if you really think you have a curse, I know just the pony who can help you.”
Those little eyes of Woebegone opened wide from their usual half-lidded gaze. “Are you sure? Several have tried to help me before… and…”
“Phooey! Come on, I’ll take you to her. Let me just close my stall and--”
A loud crack interrupted her, and she whipped around just in time to see the sign fall from one of the supporting beams. The corner slammed into the stall below and knocked the center board loose, catapulting the knife away from the cart and down the street. It whizzed through the air and in-between a pony’s ears and sliced through a bag another pony was holding before lodging itself into the side of a building. The first pony, Rarity, wailed as she tried to recover her curly purple mane from the ground, and the second one, Derpy, mourned the muffins that poured out of her bag and into the mud.
A shiver went down Applejack’s spine. “Tell you what. I need to do some cleaning up. I’ll meet you at Sugarcube Corner in a few, then I can take you to see my friend. Okay?”
“Where’s that?”
“Just turn a left at that corner, then a right. It looks like a gingerbread house, can’t miss it.”
Applejack watched as Woebegone trudged around the corner, and as he passed Lyra, a chord on her lyre snapped and whipped her in the eye. She said words that made the foals cry.
Twilight is gonna be busier than a one-armed monkey with two bananas with that one. She turned around to clean up her stall and apologize to Rarity and Derpy, but before she could do any of those, she noticed a large commotion coming from the septic pipe from earlier.
Many more streams of water were spraying in all directions with an unsettling amount of force, and ponies backed off in a panic as one pony holding a wrench climbed out of the hole and screamed, “The pressure’s too much! Everypony back, she’s gonna blow!”
There was a loud boom, and the whole street was painted brown.
---
Twilight’s ears twitched when she heard the boom echoing from town. She looked up from the book she was reading just outside the lopsided castle. “What the hay was that!?”
Spike scratched his head. “I dunno. Sounded like an explosion of some sort. Doesn’t seem like a monster attack, though.”
Starlight jumped up alert. “Is Ponyville under attack?”
“Nah,” Spike said with a wave of his hand. “Stuff like that happens here all the time. If we were to check out every explosion, scream, or some other disturbance, we’d get nothing done.”
“Still, I don’t think that was a good noise.”
“You’re right.” Twilight closed her book. “Once we’re finished here, let’s go check it out. It’s not like we’re going to be using the castle for a while.”
They wouldn’t have to wait long before investigating because the carpenter they hired walked back from underneath the castle. “Well, Princess Twilight. I have gone over the damages.”
“And?”
“The castle’s foundation is fixable. But since we’re talking about a solid crystal castle on top of soft earth, it won’t be cheap to fix.”
Twilight bit her tongue. “How much are we talking about?”
The carpenter handed her a rolled-up piece of paper. Twilight unfurled it, glanced over it, and sighed. “Oh, that’s not too much. I was expecting a lot more.” She took another look at the numbers before her. “Why do you have three zeros after the decimal? Are you that precise with your estimates?”
The inspector walked up next to Twilight. “That? That’s a comma.”
All around Fluttershy, the animals seemed to cry out in distress. They couldn’t stay still, as though they sensed an impending, unstoppable force of nature would come crashing through. She couldn’t make any sense of the chatter--something about bad luck and misfortune. Her house was an asylum full of excited animals; after a few minutes of coaxing and reassuring that no harm would befall them, the excitement finally settled, but the glint of fear in their eyes still remained.
That wasn’t to say she dismissed their strange behavior. She knew from experience that animals had a sixth sense about these kind of things and didn’t become hopping mad without provocation. She would keep an eye out for any signs of danger while she continued about her day. She picked up her bucket of fish and walked outside of her cabin. It was time to feed Mr. Bear.
As she stepped outside, she noticed a sad, hunched-over hobo near the little bridge at the end of her walkway. Draped in wet rags, the two-legged hobo shambled in circles with one hand up scratching his head and the other holding up an umbrella frame against a tiny but persistent storm cloud. Even from where she stood, she caught glances of the lost expression on his tired face under that enormous hat. An overwhelming urge to help gripped Fluttershy.
She put down the bucket and approached the little hobo. He didn’t seem to notice her as he searched about and mumbled to himself about his luck and directions. “Excuse me?”
The hobo didn’t hear her.
Fluttershy cleared her throat. “Excuse me.”
A little boom of thunder from the cloud drowned her voice. The hobo didn’t hear her.
This time for sure he would hear her. She opened her mouth wide and took a large breath and swallowed a fly. Startled and disgusted, she hacked and choked and spat.
The hobo heard her.
“Oh goodness, are you okay, miss?”
Fluttershy turned her back to the hobo so he wouldn’t see her smack herself on the chest and puke up the bug. Several more hacks shook the clog loose, and a final snort and loogie freed the fly from her throat. She scooped up the fly and wiped it clean of the spit and phlegm against her fur. “I’m sorry, little one. Do be more careful from now on.”
The fly chirped in affirmation and buzzed away in happy little loops. Then a frog ate it.
“Oh, dear.” Fluttershy turned to the hobo. She looked into his puppydog eyes. “I’m fine. My name is Fluttershy.”
The hobo nodded and took off his hat to greet her, revealing his long, tangled mess of wet red hair and a bald spot. “I’m Woebegone. I’m sorry for bringing bad luck onto you.”
“No, I’m sorry for worrying you, Woebegone. Are you looking for somepony?”
Woebegone put his hat back on. “It’s not really a pony I am looking for, but a place. Do you know where Sugarcube Corner is? I’m supposed to meet a pony there.”
Fluttershy nodded. “Oh yes, I know where it is. I can take you there if you’d like.”
“That’d be very nice of you. I don’t mean to cause you any inconvenience or offense, but it would be better if you could just point me in the right direction. That would be more than enough,” replied Woebegone with a weak smile.
“It’s not a problem at all. We can go together once I feed Mr. Bear. I need to go into town and get some things anyway.”
Woebegone shuddered. “Mr. Bear? As in a real bear?”
“Oh, no need to worry--he’s a big sweetie. Let me introduce him to you. Oh, Mr. Bear! Feeding time!” A loud grumble echoed from behind Fluttershy’s cottage, followed by heavy footsteps; with speeds that others never thought were possible for such a large animal, Mr. Bear came galloping around the house and down Fluttershy’s walkway. His eyes were trained on her, and he showed no signs of stopping.
Mr. Bear scooped up Fluttershy in a bear hug and twirled around like a ballerina before falling down on his rump and rubbing her against his cheeks. “Oh, you big silly,” said Fluttershy. “You always get so excited with food, don’t you?” Mr. Bear let out a gruff laugh and released Fluttershy.
After regaining her footing, Fluttershy turned around to see Woebegone lying on the ground in a shivering mess trying to hide under his hat, like a frightened mouse or a spooked squirrel; but he should know that Mr. Bear wouldn’t hurt a single hair on his head. So she walked up and caressed him on his wet cheek. “There, there, Mr. Woebegone. Mr. Bear is a friend. He wouldn’t hurt a single hair on your head.”
Woebegone peeked between his fingers. “Are you sure? But he’s so big. He has sharp claws and big teeth and--”
“Yes, he does,” said Fluttershy with motherly confidence. “And he also has a heart as big as a bear’s.” She pointed a hoof up to Mr. Bear, and Woebegone looked. Mr. Bear wiggled the toes on his front paw with a huge smile.
“Heart?” Woebegone pushed himself up off the ground, but he still didn’t look at ease around the big predator.
Luckily for Fluttershy, she knew just the way to help Woebegone become comfortable around Mr. Bear, and Woebegone had come at the perfect time. She took a fish out of the bucket and called Woebegone’s attention to her before tossing the fish to Mr. Bear, who caught the fish in his claws and happily stuck the fish in his mouth up until the tail fin. After a few chews, he pulled the tail, and the remaining skeleton of the fish popped out of his lips. Each rib bone struck against his teeth and produced a musical chime like a xylophone. As it had every time before, Mr. Bear’s entertaining way of eating fish made the viewers more curious than afraid.
She scooted the bucket closer to Woebegone as he looked on with his mouth open in surprise. “Would you like to feed Mr. Bear? He’d like it very much if you did.”
Woebegone looked at the bucket of fish as he twiddled his thumbs together. “Oh, I’m not sure if I should… I, uh…”
“Oh no, it’s completely fine, isn’t that right, Mr. Bear?”
Mr. Bear nodded.
“Okay, if you say so.” Woebegone picked up a fish from the bucket with his fingertips and held it as far away from his body as equinely possible as he turned to Mr. Bear. He recoiled in terror from the sudden flash of claws that snatched the fish from him.
“Mr. Bear!” scolded Fluttershy. “Where are your manners?”
Snapped from his excitement for food, Mr. Bear had realized how rude he had been and growled an apology to Woebegone.
“Okay, let’s try that again.”
Mr. Bear nodded as he handed the fish back to a perplexed Woebegone. “A bear just handed me a fish.” He looked back up at the bear, who now had a paw extended and grunted something resembling a request in bear-talk.
“He says, ‘May I have the fish, please?’” said Fluttershy.
Without taking his eyes of the bear, Woebegone dropped the fish in Mr. Bear’s gigantic paw and watched Mr. Bear tip an invisible hat while grunting more bear talk. Woebegone tipped his hat in response. “You’re welcome.” Mr. Bear then repeated his trick before as the moment sunk into Woebegone’s head.
“I just had a conversation with a bear,” said Woebegone to nopony in particular.
Fluttershy giggled at his astonishment. She loved these little moments when she got to introduce Mr. Bear for the reactions. “You can give him another if you like.”
Woebegone took another fish from the bucket and handed it over to the bear who grunted it’s request and said “Here you are,” and “You’re welcome,” forming a psuedo-conversation with the bear. Then both tipped their hats. The experience of feeding a bear might have been an everyday thing for Fluttershy, but it was something new and exciting for everypony else, and seeing smiles on others’ faces as they got a chance to do something new always made her smile.
His face lightened and relaxed, as if all of his troubles were forgotten. The raincloud above Woebegone stopped raining and became a few shades lighter as he cheerfully repeated the routine, each time with a little more energy and cheer in his voice. The conversation grew longer with each exchange.
“Why, how do you do, Mr. Bear?”
“Graraaararaaaahrrr.”
“Oh, a bit peckish, you say?”
Mr. Bear rubbed his tummy. “Grargerr grrrrarrrr.”
“I have the cure for what ails you: a fish! Fresh from the stream and ready for the dish.”
“Rrrgeraharerrr. Raragggrrr.”
The fish was exchanged with courteous tipping of hats and bows. Then Mr. Bear ate the fish and belched.
Woebegone turned to the bucket and saw that there were no more fish left to give, and like a balloon, his spirits seemed to deflate; but he was still quite happier looking than when Fluttershy had first seen him.
“Thank you so much for feeding Mr. Bear,” said Fluttershy. “Now that I’m finished, let’s go to Sugarcube Corner.”
“Why, thank you, Fluttershy.” Woebegone turned to Mr. Bear. “Goodbye, Mr. Bear, it was a pleasure to meet you.”
Mr. Bear waved back, but then his face froze with a pained look before he started gagging and coughing. Fluttershy darted up to Mr. Bear. “Oh goodness, oh my, what is wrong?”
Mr. Bear pointed at his throat while gasping for air.
“You’re choking! Oh no!” Fluttershy flew around Mr. Bear and started beating on his back, while Mr. Bear continued to gag and wheeze. His face was turning visibly blue underneath his shaggy fur.
“Mr. Bear!” cried out Woebegone. “Lie down on your back!”
Fluttershy looked over Mr. Bear’s shoulders and saw Woebegone standing at Mr. Bear’s feet with a look of confidence she didn’t know he was capable of. “Lie on his back!? But--”
Mr. Bear fell onto his back and continued to claw at his throat as Woebegone climbed on top of him while Fluttershy stood over Mr. Bear’s face and urged him to stay calm. Balancing himself on the struggling bear, Woebegone felt around the bear’s stomach and ribs until he came close to the solar plexus, then moved a bit down until he found the spot he sought. He clenched both hands together, raised them over his head, and pounded on Mr. Bear. The clog in his throat was blown clear of his esophagus.
The cough knocked Fluttershy off her hooves. She fell on her back and hit her head on the ground with a klunk.. The sudden blast was like taking one of Pinkie’s party cannons at point blank. They might have been full of glitter, but they still hurt. She rolled to her side, shook away the spots, and turned back to see Mr. Bear breathing slowly and color returning to his furry, sweaty face. His chest rose and fell with each slow, deep breath, and he was no longer clawing at his throat. Fluttershy wiped the spit from her face with a sigh of relief. “You saved him, Woebegone!”
However, Fluttershy only saw regret and defeat on Woebegone’s face as he climbed off the massive bear. “No, I didn’t save him. If I didn’t feed him, he wouldn’t have choked. It’s my fault.” The cloud above him blackened.
“No.” Fluttershy shook her head. “You had no control. Don’t blame yourself for something you can’t control.”
“It’s my bad luck that caused this.” Woebegone turned around, picked up his umbrella frame and started to walk away. A boom of thunder cracked the air, and the little raincloud started raining again. “I’m sorry, Fluttershy.”
“Wait!”
Woebegone stopped and looked at Fluttershy from a corner of his eye.
“Let me take you to Sugarcube Corner. I mean, if you don’t mind. It’s the least I can do for you since you saved Mr. Bear.”
“Are you sure? I’m bad luck.”
Fluttershy shook her head. “I’m sorry if I sound rude, but that’s a bunch of applesauce. Sorry. But you don’t really believe that, do you?”
Woebegone nodded.
Fluttershy sighed. “Well, I’m sorry. I-- ow.” A sharp pain in her head disturbed her thoughts. “Can you wait just a moment? I think all this excitement has given me a terrible headache. Let me take some aspirin and we’ll head on to Sugarcube Corner together, okay?”
She turned around and trotted into her cabin and into her bathroom. All the while the animals kept giving her weird stares and gibbering on about “alicorns” and “boneheads.” What has gotten into them today? If it wasn’t for the terrible pain in her head, she would have taken a few seconds to try to understand them, but it could wait.
When she got into the bathroom, she took the aspirin bottle out from the mirrored cabinet above the sink, downed a pill with a glass of water, and returned the bottle to its original place. As she shut the medicine cabinet, she saw her reflection. Her mane was quite frazzled and had bits of fish chunks in it--she could give it a few quick brushes before heading out of town. Woebegone probably wouldn’t mind.
She grabbed her brush and ran it through her mane, but it knocked on something and agitated the pain in Fluttershy’s head. What the? Fluttershy tried once more and felt the same stab again. She pulled her mane aside, and her heart stopped.
She screamed.
Her face went pale as she saw the fish bone jutting out of the top of her forehead like a thin, pointed unicorn horn. And it was a just as long.
She hyperventilated and trotted in place. She stopped and took a deep breath to calm herself down. Come on, Fluttershy. You’re alright. You’ve seen worse. You can take care of this. Once more, she looked at herself in the mirror and shivered.
After pulling out bandages, gauze, and disinfectant, she tried to pull the bone out. It wouldn’t budge. She clamped it between her hooves in a vice grip and pulled, but her hooves kept slipping on the smooth surface. Again and again, the bone just slipped through her hooves. She fell onto her back, clamped down with all four hooves on the “horn,” and pulled with all her might. It didn’t budge, even after her hooves slipped and she banged her head on the floor. When her vision returned, she saw Mr. Bear standing just outside the bathroom door. She pointed up at the bone in her forehead, and Mr. Bear’s face turned green.
He picked up Fluttershy and held her securely under one arm, and with the other, he wrapped his strong bearclaws around the bone and pulled.
“Ouch!”
Mr. Bear pulled even more. I can feel it moving, he grumbled.
“No! Ow. Ow. Ow!”
No, I got this. He fixed his grip and pulled again.
Fluttershy’s neck stretched out like a rubber band. “Owowowowowow! Stop!”
Mr. Bear let go, and Fluttershy’s neck snapped back to normal length. Sorry. He let Fluttershy back down on the tiled floor.
“It’s okay.” Fluttershy rubbed her head and moaned in pain. “Oh… fluffy bunnies! I can’t get this out on my own. I’ll have to go to the--” She gulped. “--hospital.”
Fluttershy hung her head in defeat, walked up to her room, and put on the largest sunhat she had. She could see in her bedroom mirror that it hid the bone--as long as she didn’t look up. Behind her, Mr. Bear was rubbing his hands together, drooping, and apologizing. He looked a lot like Woebegone. Hopefully she hadn’t kept him waiting too long.
“No, no, it’s alright, Mr. Bear. It wasn’t your fault. Now, watch over the place while I’m gone. I’ll be away longer than expected.”
She walked out and saw Woebegone pacing nervously in the front yard. The cloud above him had swelled slightly and turned a darker, inkier black. He jumped at the sight of her but kept his distance.
“Oh, Fluttershy, are you alright? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to--”
“No, it’s alright. I’m sorry I scared you…”
“No,” Woebegone shook his head. “I’m sorry. My curse did…”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m--”
“Grrrrarreh.”
Both Fluttershy and Woebegone jumped at Mr. Bear’s growl. He was pointing one claw to his wrist at an invisible watch.
“Oh, right.” Fluttershy turned to Woebegone. “Let’s go. I’ll take you to Sugarcube Corner before I go to the hos-- take care of my errands.”
Woebegone nodded, and both of them walked down the path to Ponyville.
“There’s poop everywhere!” exclaimed the poop-covered Lyra. “There’s poop on the road and poop on the stalls. There’s poop on the produce, the houses, and the walls!”
“I get it, Lyra,” said Bonbon as she watched out of the corner of her eye the ponies in the street, stalls, and shops whispering and eyeing the poop-covered mare.
“I don’t think you do!” said Lyra two decibels too loud. “Poop was on the colts, and poop on the mares!”
“And there’s even poop in your filthy hair,” deadpanned Bonbon.
“So you do get it!”
“I smell it, too.” Bonbon pushed away Lyra then vigorously wiped the hoof she used on the ground. “Now stop rhyming and clean yourself off. You’re disgusting.”
“That’s not a nice thing to say to your best friend.”
“Stinking up my stall and scaring away my customers isn’t a nice thing to do to your best friend either. Now get out of here.” Bonbon sighed as Lyra turned to go inside their house. “Stop!”
“Whaaaaat?” whined Lyra.
“Don’t go into the house like that.”
“But how am I going to clean myself off?”
“Just use the hose in the back.”
“What? Like a foal covered in mud?”
“Shut up, Lyra, and just get all that poop off yourself up before you go inside and then shower. And don’t use the good towels!” Bonbon watched as Lyra mumbled and trudged to the back of the house. At times you’re no different than a foal.
Bonbon turned back to the street in front of her stand and tried to pretend that none of that had even happened. As she smiled and waved to passing potential customers, she reflected on the story Lyra had told her. A short, green, two-legged, sloth-like creature that controlled the rain had lurched into the farmer’s market and received a discount from Applejack before using a curse to burst a septic pipe. That was crazy, even beyond Lyra’s brand of cuckoo-ness.
Honestly, when had Applejack ever given discounts?
If Bonbon was to believe that somehow Lyra hadn’t been involved in the explosion, she could have at least tried to make the story believable. Then again, with all the weird things that happened around Ponyville, she should give Lyra the benefit of the doubt. Besides, she was a secret spy-slash-monster hunter for Princess Celestia who daylighted as a confectionist. If there was one pony who shouldn’t cast doubt on the strange and unusual, it would be her. As she continued to debate Lyra’s innocence, she smiled warmly to passing ponies; however, it became harder to look inviting when more poopy, pouting ponies poured in from the farmers’ market and down Main Street. The smell was so overpowering that she had to cover her nose, but she practiced restraint in showing her disgust. Or at least she tried.
“The horror! The horror!”
“Blech! Why are you so nasty? No! Don’t come closer!”
“Ewwwww. Ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ewwwwww!”
Unlike the flower sisters across the street.
Their earthy, fecal foulness flooded Bonbon’s nostrils like cotton balls filled with tiny nerve-plucking needles-- then she remembered she had a new secret weapon that would banish the smell. She pulled close one of the glass cases on her stall labeled “Firebombs” filled with red jawbreakers, fished one out, then shoved it in her mouth and crunched it between her teeth, and the candy exploded.
Literally.
Her cheeks ballooned from the force of the explosion, and spicy cinnamon flavor splattered in every corner of her mouth and crept up into her sinuses, eliminating the smell of poop and allowing her to breathe easily at the cost of some nasal discomfort. No longer the victim to the flood of fecal fragrances, Bonbon could continue to work the stall without gagging on her breakfast and repulsing the repulsive ponies away--even if a poop-covered pony would consider perusing and purchasing from the local confectionist while still covered in filth. She didn’t even want one of them to come close and possibly contaminate her goods. Still, it paid to be polite in the long run, and the flower sister’s blatant disregard for the victims’ humiliation provoked glares and feelings that soon wouldn’t be forgotten.
Then a terrible idea struck her: give the Flower Sisters firebombs. Not only would it shut them up, but it would also be a riot to watch them suck on the jawbreakers until they reached the spicy “bomb” at the center and freak out when they thought their brains had exploded. They took the candy as soon as she mentioned it would solve their odor problem.
Lily took three.
With her explosives stealthily planted, she just had to wait until the targets set them off, and her self-assigned mission of fun would be complete. She went back to her stall to watch and wait. Her mind drifted from her duties to fantasies and impatience. So much so it was making her lightheaded and woozy, like she was drunk from anticipation.
“Hey, Bonbon. What did I miss?”
She turned and saw two large, purple eyes on a metallic-grey face staring back at her. Heavy breaths puffed from the many holes peppered at the end of the snout. She let out a delayed yelp and fell to her side. The metallic visitor chuckled as Bonbon struggled to get back on her oddly noodly legs.
“Woah, drunk already, huh? Maybe I shouldn’t be schlepping this around town.”
“Berry!?” Bonbon struggled to push herself up off the ground. “What the-- where the---” She squinted at the pony in front of her. Purple fur, fruity cutie mark, and a cart with a large wine barrel. “Berry,” said Bonbon as she dug about in her muddy mind for orientation. “What are you doing? And why are you wearing a gas mask? Is it because of them?” She pointed out at the poop-covered ponies, who themselves wobbled past.
Berry shook her head. “Nope. Didn’t even know about that. Funny coin-ki-dink, huh? It’s actually because of this.” She motioned to the barrel behind her. “I’ve got me a bad batch of alcohol I need to dispose of.”
Bonbon tilted her head, and her body with it until she fell against her stall and stayed there. “Why would-- uh-- why would you-- I didn’t know alcohol could go bad.”
“Well technically, this alcohol isn’t bad. In fact, it’s quite the opposite! It’s too good. I’ve had a little ‘accident’ trying to magically give my drinks an extra kick, but now it’s got so much kick that it can kick your plot from across the street! Look.”
And sure enough, it was true. The effects of the alcohol reached as far as the corners of the block, and every pony within sight showed signs of inebriation, including the Flower Sisters, who blathered and slurred at each other.
“Nuh-uh. I told you Big Mac was checking my butt out.”
“How could you tell!? We were standing next to each other.”
“Please, please, girls. Both of you have cutie patooties.”
The limits of her stomach had already been tested by the fecal matter and the alcohol. She didn’t need that dribble to push her over the limit. She turned back to Bonbon. “But how?”
“Well--” Berry pointed at her gasmask “--the alcohol is so strong that it even travels by smell. That why I’m wearing this. I’m off to see Princess Twilight to find out where I can dispose of this.”
“What about the mayor?”
“Oh, yeah! We have one of those, don’t we?” Berry Punch chuckled. “Sometimes I forget.”
Bonbon shook her head. Her body wiggled along with it.
“So, uh, what’s with them?” Berry Punch pointed at the poop-covered ponies as they struggled to march down Main Street.
“Well--”
“--It was awful! There was a green sloth, and he had this lightning cloud, and he opened up a hole to Tartarus, and he blew up the septic tank before cursing everypony and got a discount!”
The exclamation shocked Bonbon off balance, and she fell over in a half-hop half-fainting maneuver that resembled less a trained dodging reflex and more like a falling ragdoll. She lifted her head and saw the dripping-wet culprit. “Lyra! For Luna’s sake, how long were you standing there?”
“Oh, a few minutes, but not as long as these three,” said Lyra as she pointed to the Flower Sisters beside her. Rose and Daisy waved and giggled stupidly at being found out. Lily, however, had one hoof wrapped around the jar of firebombs and another shoving the contents in her face.
“Hey!” In a moment of sudden sobriety, Bonbon lept up and snatched the jar from Lily, then placed the jar back where it belonged. “These firebombs aren’t cheap, you know!? I said you could only take one, that doesn’t give you free access to my whole supply!”
“But I can still smell the poo,” mumbled Lily through her stuffed cheeks.
“Did you say ‘firebombs’?” said Berry with undisguised excitement. “So the dragon peppers came? Oh, sweet, you’ve gotta give me some. I could totally use them in a new drink I always wanted to make!”
Lyra turned to Bonbon. “Dragon peppers?”
Bonbon sighed. “Lyra, do you remember when the package came and I told you not to touch it?”
Lyra tilted her head. “You’re going to have to be more specific…”
“Last Tuesday.”
“Oh yeah! I just came out of the shower and found a package on the doorstep and you came running out screaming and shouting before you knocked me aside and disappeared into your kitchen with the box. I thought it was some of your spy--”
“Anyway-- Yes, that was when I got these dragon peppers.”
Lyra huffed. “Oh, so it was only peppers!? And you tell me I overreact. It’s not like you bought a --”
“There is something special about these peppers that you don’t know about.”
Berry smiled so hard that it could be seen under her mask. “Oh, you’ve got to show them. I want to see this myself!”
“Show us what?” said Rose.
“Oh, it’s something amazing. These peppers are unlike any of their kind. They only grow in the most hostile and uninhabitable corner of the land, far off in the basin of the Purple Mountains near the Volcano of Gloom. If you ever get your hooves on one, you’ve better be careful! They’re dangerous, but to a skilled chef or alchemist, one pepper is powerful enough to season an entire feast or add a huge kick to hundreds of potions.
“And you, Lyra, had almost ruined the entire batch, or even worse, turned your home into a crater.”
Lyra flinched at the accusation. “What? How? They’re just peppers.”
“A dangerous vegetable?” said Rose with a slight slur while leaning against Daisy.
“We work with plants. We would have heard about such a plant if it was so dangerous,” said Daisy with a strong slur while leaning against Rose.
“MMmf Hhnguuff fnahh fhooh,” said Lily without a slur.
“You’re gonna have to show them, Bon.”
Bonbon rolled her eyes. She would have rather showed this after her prank was completed. “Fine. But then you all get out of here, and you too, Berry.”
“Moi?”
“Yes, you, I’m getting a hangover just from being near you.” Bonbon staggered behind the stall and unlocked the bottom compartment before fishing out a little wooden box with a fitted lid wrapped in plastic. She instructed Lyra to take several stumbles back as she clumsily unrolled the plastic and flipped the latches holding the polished lid in place. A light breath of red smoke escaped when she lifted the lid, and a crimson glow emanated from inside. With a tender, clumsy, plastic-wrapped hoof, she lifted the glowing-red pepper daintily and dropped it on a cutting board as if it were a newborn kitten before taking out a knife.
Ever so slowly, with as much care as a drunk could provide, she sliced off a sliver no bigger than a nose hair before repeating the unpacking progress in reverse.
Lyra and the Flower Sisters watched on while they “ooh”ed and “aah”ed and gagged on firebombs.
“It’s not radioactive, is it?” asked Lyra.
“Or cursed?”
“Or haunted?”
“Mmph Hhff Hff?”
“It would be much safer if it was any of those,” boasted Berry.
Bonbon walked over Lyra and to pluck a wet hair from her mane. She came back with a mouthful. Lyra cried out in pain, but Bonbon didn’t care as she took the volatile follicles back to the glowing pepper slice. “Now, I will show you why I got so upset with you on Tuesday. Stand back.” She dropped the wet hairs over the pepper particle, then dropped to the ground.
As soon as they made contact, there was a boom, and a mushroom cloud burst forth with enough force to knock over a few jars and inebriated ponies. Even some of the ponies wobbling in the street flopped over, either from the explosion or fright. The ones that still had any bit of sense in them ran away screaming.
“Sweet Celestia!” screamed Lyra, Rose, and Daisy in unison. Lily made glucking and gulping noises.
“And that is why these peppers are so dangerous: even a little bit of water can…”
“That’s so cool!” said Lyra
“Wait,” said Rose as she stared out at nothing in concentration. “You have more of those in your house!?”
“She’d better,”said Berry. “I plan to buy a few off her once I take care of this barrel.”
“We’re neighbors!” screamed Daisy. “If you have an accident… Oh, the horror. The horror!”
“We have to move! Stay away from us!”
Rose and Daisy turned tail and waddled away to their stands, crying bloody murder the whole way. Lily didn’t get the message and remained playing dead.
“I… I think she needs help,” said Bonbon as she massaged her temples. “And you need to get out of here, Berry. That stuff is giving me a headache.”
“Sure, but I’ll be back for--”
Lyra screamed. First in a dazed confusion, then in a startled realization, then once more in dread.
“Stop it, Lyra, it isn’t funny.”
“No! No, Bonbon. We must run. He’s here. He’s here. And he’s got Fluttershy.”
“Who’s here?” asked Berry as she looked down the street where Lyra was pointing.
Bonbon saw Fluttershy wearing a hat at the end of the street. She looked as calm and reserved as always, and there was nothing alarming about her, but behind her was a little clothed troll. Slumped as if in mourning with his eyes glued to Fluttershy’s back hooves, he followed closely behind Fluttershy as he half-heartedly held aloft an umbrella frame. His presence didn’t go unnoticed by Fluttershy as she turned to him and whispered a few words before continuing on her way. “What? That’s him?”
“Yeah! That’s the one that cursed Applejack and all the ponies at the farmer’s market!”
“Say what!?” Rose and Daisy stumbled over to Lyra. “Are you sure?”
“Yes that’s him!”
“Oh, that face. So evil!”
“He’s got Fluttershy. She’s cursed!” said Lyra.
“We’re next!”
“Mmmghphf!?” Revived by the jolting excitement, Lily lazily kicked about and wobbled on her back like a capsized turtle, all the while mumbling through a mouthful of firebombs.
“We’ve got to get out of here or we’ll be cursed, too!”
Bonbon looked on woozily at the little goblin as he trailed behind Fluttershy. Even as they made their way down the street, all of the little goblin’s movements and gestures resembled many of the bipedal monsters she’d worked with before. He looked timid and defeated. Dare she even describe him as apologetic. A small thundercloud over his head would rumble every so often, and with every tiny roar of thunder he’d mumble an apology to any ponies nearby. Or at least that was what it sounded like. She couldn’t hear very well over the clamour the Flower Sisters and Lyra were making.
A sharp pull on her tail dragged her out of her thoughts and onto the ground. She looked up at an exasperated Lyra and her mouthful of tail. “Bonbon, we’ve gotta go.”
Bonbon kicked at Lyra’s chest to get her to let go, but hit her nose instead. “Get off of me, you dolt.”
“Everypony run!” shouted Rose, sending waves of panic throughout the street. Ponies that could ran, the rest drunkenly stumbled away, but from what nopony was sure. As ponies tried to make it to safety, they collided and tripped over one another, and the screaming never stopped. Two stallions slammed into each other; and one tumbled against Berry’s barrel and knocked the lid off, sending splashes of magically concentrated alcohol on the dirt beside her. Berry jumped into action and supported the barrel while simultaneously berating the moron. Bonbon looked over in the direction to see where Fluttershy and her green friend went.
They were gone.
“Get up, Lily! We’re getting out of here!” screamed Daisy as she and Rose tumbled over each other and onto Lily, knocking the wind and a few firebombs out of her. Lily retched, and several firebombs oozed out of the corners of her mouth as she clawed at her own throat and violently kicked the air.
“She’s choking! Lily! Lily!”
Bonbon’s adrenaline spike, inebriated brain and lax muscles carried her up off the ground and to the choking pony. Rose, Daisy and Lyra stood over Lily fretting, grabbing and wailing uselessly over their dying friend. Bonbon tried to bend over to wrap her front legs around Lily’s barrel, but she kicked and struggled too much for Bonbon to hold.
“Daisy, Rose, Lyra. Sit her up and expose her stomach!”
Without question, the three of them dogpiled on their friend and stretched her out, but not without taking a few kicks to their faces. Lily even knocked the firebomb out of Rose’s mouth as she grabbed her front left leg while Daisy took the right and Lyra held her back legs down with magic.
“Good, now hold her still.”
Bonbon stood in front of the gasping pony and turned around. She lifted a back leg and steadied herself. Once she found her balance and the right spot, she bucked Lily right under her lungs. With a loud “hack,” a large wad of partially disintegrated firebombs soared overhead. The rescued pony fell back into her friends’ embrace and coughed.
“Geez, Bonny,” said Berry as she lifted up the lid to the barrel off the ground and put it back into place. “Did you have to kick the living daylights out of her to save her life?”
With the adrenaline wearing out, Bonbon plopped her butt down, leaned against the stall, and closed her eyes. “You know, that doesn’t sound nearly as clever as you think it does, and I’m drunk.”
“You sure look it. Tell ya what, I’ll take care of this first, then come back for some peppers after you’ve had a bit to clear your head. Sound alright?”
“Fine, whatever.”
Berry nodded and turned back to her barrel. “Umm,” she muttered. “Bonny, what was Lily choking on?”
“Firebombs. She had a whole mouthful of them,” said Bonbon without opening her eyes.
“And did you see where she spat them up?”
“No, why?”
“You may want to run.”
Bonbon opened her eyes and saw the barrel shaking violently. “Hit the deck!”
Everything went white as a large wall of fire burst forth and swallowed everything in sight.
---
Twilight Sparkle appeared in a flash of violet magic. The second explosion was by far much larger than the first and stabbed her with fear and concern. Was Ponyville under attack? What could have caused such a catastrophe? She teleported to the area of the explosion without her friends or a plan of attack, other than to plan a plan of attack once she knew what she would be attacking.
The first thing that she noticed was the smell. The air reeked with alcohol and peppers. It burned her sinuses and was already giving her a headache only after two-and-a-half breaths.
Everything around her was black and covered in soot. The walls of the buildings lining Main Street were all black, except for the outlines. Negative shadows of ponies. Whatever caused the explosion froze the shadows of the ponies as they were the moment the blast occurred.
And not too far from the shadows were the ponies.
Stumbling, slurring, and stark naked. No fur, no tail, no mane. Everything equinely exposed. All of the ponies seemed less hurt than stupefied, as if they had no idea what had happened or that they were even in trouble or naked. If she had to go by the looks on the many pony faces that she saw, it wouldn’t be inconceivable to think that Main Street was hit by a stupid bomb.
But she had to be sure. Without any fur color or cutie mark to go on in this land of the nude, Twilight couldn’t make out who was who and just walked up to the first pony she came across. A mare sitting down next to a stall was giggling with the occasional hiccup.
“Miss… Miss. Are you alright?”
“Hey-- Hey! I know you. You’re Twilight, the *hic* princess! Have you come to buy some flowers, Your Majesty?”
“Are you hurt? What happened?” Twilight lit up her horn and started scanning over the mare’s body for injuries.
The mare sloppily shoved Twilight back with a giggle. “I’m not that kind of mare, Your Majesty. Hehehe… Wait… is it ‘Your Majesty’ or ‘Your Highness’? Twilight, you’re a princess, right? Which is it?”
“I’m serious. Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay,” said the mare as she rubbed her head.
Twilight flared her wings. “Just stay here. I’ll get help and--”
“All this thinking is making my head hurt. ‘Your highness.’ ‘Your majesty.’ What do they mean? Which one is higher? Which one is more majestic? Oooh, I feel like my brain’s gonna explode.”
The mare and reality were far too separated for Twilight to get the answers she sought. “Listen, I’m going to get help. You stay here and be safe.” She flew off while the mare continued to question herself about the lexicon of royalty.
The mare continued to think and rub her head. She rubbed and rubbed. Thought and thought. She rubbed and thought, then thought and rubbed. Her head grew hotter and hotter.
Then the firebomb in her mouth exploded.
Daisy rolled around on the ground with her head in her hooves, screaming over and over, “My brain exploded! My brain exploded!”
Wobbly knees, pulsing eyebrows, and dock shivers. Something is burning. Neck tingles, lip flap, and a hoof tap. Something’s going to explode. Itchy frog, stiff shoulders, and floppy ears. There’s a leak somewhere. Twitching tail. Twitch-twitch twitchy tail. Something was going to fall. But Pinkie was ready for whatever would come and, by Joe Donuts, she wouldn’t be waving the white napkin anytime soon. Mr. and Mrs. Cake were counting on her.
The two had been away at an important catering event the next town over since yesterday, and she was more than happy to volunteer herself to watching both the twins and the shop while they were away. While the first evening and night were peaceful, the next morning steamrolled her at precisely 6:43 AM with a series of uncontrollably violent convulsions that kept her paralyzed for a good 39½ seconds. Never before had her Pinkie Sense given such a warning, and they hadn’t stopped since! There would be fires, falls, farts, and disasters of all kinds she never could have predicted nor thought were possible, and even if she could translate her body’s continuous tremors, twitches, and tells into laypony speak, she could only sum it up as “Doozie-geddon.” Or maybe “Doozie-pocalypse.”
Ooh! “The Doozie-ing.” That’s a good one.
Hoof tap and shoulder jerk--there was an order mistake.
“Excuse me,” said the customer at the register looking into the paper-brown bag in front of him. “But I ordered bearclaws, not banana-nut muffins.”
“Oh, goodness me. I’m sorry about that,” said Pinkie as she took the brown paper bag back with a smile, scribbled banana-nut muffins on it with a permanent marker and put it alongside a bunch of identical bags full of sweets before whipping open a new one and filling it up with bearclaws. “Here ya go! Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It’s all right. I see you’re super busy. Have a swell day, Pinkie.” The customer dropped a few extra bits into the tip jar and took his goody bag with him and was shortly replaced by the customer behind him. One of many.
The mare pointed at a row of crepes, but before she could speak, Pinkie excused herself to the kitchen. She had donuts to save and told the mare she couldn’t give a crepe.
At least, not yet.
She jumped back into the kitchen and gingerly cartwheeled around the many identical paper bags and occasional cup or cooking pan that littered the floor and countertops, snatched the baking tray out of oven, and gently slapped it down on the only open space on the nearby table. Several paper bags tipped over and flumped on the floor.
And she did this all without getting wet or losing her balance. She smiled at the achievement, but then a drop of water bopped her on her booper. “Oh, jelly crescents, another leak?” She backflipped towards the cupboards, whipped out a mug and lined it up under the new trickle of drips coming from the ceiling. “And that plumber better get here soon! Or else he won’t get a free donut and a smile.” She giggled and snorted at her bluff.
Smiles were always free.
They were also plentiful, unlike trash bags. That would have explained the new sensation she had felt earlier that day: Tummy gurgles and goosebumps. She was out of trash bags. Now she was knee high in bags filled with empty egg shells, empty butter tubs, and full diapers. She’d run to get some more trash bags, but the customers were waiting.
With a flip, she cleared the many pots, pans, and paper bags, stuck the landing behind the counter, and threw her hooves up in bravado to the customers’ delight before giving the next one in line her crepes.
Business was like this for a short eternity between 7:12 and 9:34 and would only continue to get worse as time went on. Well, except for the leaks. Those had started sometime after 9:02. There had been a minor hiccup in customer traffic because of a small explosion across town that boomed at 8:27. She took a mini-break to run a bath for the twins and put Gummi on lifeguard duty. Besides, it would be a shallow bath, and Gummi was a great lifeguard. Before she could pull the babies out of their crib and plop them in the bathtub, there came the “ding-ding” of the counter bell.
She could tell just from the confidence and authority in the way the little dinger dinged that Filthy Rich was at the counter and waiting for his usual Tuesday-morning bruttiponi and iced barley tea. With a skip in her step and an uncontrollable swaying in her posture, she dropped downstairs and gave Filthy his morning delights with a most delightful smile every delightful patron deserved.
And then she did the same with the customer behind him.
And then the next one.
Then the next.
There were so many! Why were so many ponies coming here for breakfast today? She overheard from the customers that a septic tank blew at the farmers’ market. So that may have been the reason why so many ponies had decided on sweet bread instead of sweet corn for breakfast. Well, she was more than happy to oblige with a smile. More business for her, more business for the Cakes! But for some reason, the hotch just wouldn’t go away. She wobbled left and right like she was a bowl of upset gelatin during an earthquake; it didn’t matter if she was walking or standing still, she just couldn’t stop.
Ever determined, Pinkie gave each and every one of her customers a smile and a paper bag full of goodies until the bakery was devoid of customers and replaced with mistaken orders. Exhausted, she flopped down on the floor and gazed at the army of paper bags messily marked with markers surrounding her. Perhaps if she had slowed down a bit when she felt pressured, much like how Mr. Cake always told her to, she wouldn’t have made so many mistakes. Now she was left with an army of bags full of goods and trash to divide, dispense, and dismiss. But first, she’d have to read the hasty scribbles to find out what went where. The entrance opened with a chime.
Pinkie jumped up from the floor to greet what she hoped would be her final customer before the lunch crowd. “Welcome to Sugarcube-- Oh, hey Fluttershy! Nice hat.”
“Uhm, thanks.” Fluttershy stepped aside and Pinkie saw a short green guest with a large purple top hat. And he wasn’t a pony! And he had a little pet thundercloud!
She wanted one.
The hat. She meant the hat. Although a pet thundercloud would be pretty neat.
“Oh! A new friend!” She jumped over the counter with renewed energy and proudly welcomed the guest. He seemed timid, just like Fluttershy. Thank goodness Pinkie was an expert on not coming on too strong.
“Hi there, my name is Pinkie Pie! What’s your name? I like your hat. Where’d you get it? What brings you to Ponyville? Will you be staying long? What’s your pet’s name? Oh, you must let me throw you a party. Unfortunately, I’m a bit busy at the moment, so it’ll have to wait. You’re not a pony, are you? What kind of--”
“Pinkie Pie,” interrupted Fluttershy. “This is Woebegone. He’s here to meet with Applejack.”
Woebegone tipped his wet hat. “How do you do, Miss Pie.”
Pinkie giggled at the title. “Oh silly-billy. You don’t have to call me ‘miss.’ Pinkie is perfectly fine.”
The thundercloud boomed above and started pouring on Woebegone’s exposed hair. He put his hat back on and mumbled.
What a rude, little thundercloud. “Oh, no you don’t.” Pinkie jabbed a hoof at the thundercloud. It recoiled and shivered. “If you’re going to be like that, you can wait outside.”
The cloud, shocked and embarrassed as much as a cloud could be, flew outside the open door behind it.
“Wow. That cloud has never listened to me before,” said Woebegone. “I didn’t even know clouds could listen.”
“You just gotta let them know you mean business. Nopony, not even a cloud rains on my friends’ parades. Neither cloud nor rock nor queen of bugs stays these smiles from the swift enlightenment of their appointed faces,” said Pinkie confidently. She knew how to talk to a brick wall and was proud of it. “And when my friends are wet--” she pulled out a roll of paper towels and handed them to Woebegone “--I’m always there to dry them off!”
“Oh, thank you, Pink--.” A loud boom cut him off, and he dropped the roll of paper towels. His eyes darted left and right as he wringed his hands. “Oh dear, what have I done now?”
“You only dropped the towels, silly. Nothing to get worked up about.” Pinkie picked up the towels and pushed them into Woebegone’s hands, not at all deterred by the shivering pegasus’ vicegrip around her barrel. “But wowie-zowie. That was a loud one. Two in one day, too. Quite unusual. So, what brings you to Sugarcube Corner? Looking for some munchies?”
“I’m here to meet a pony with a cowboy hat,” said Woebegone as he dried himself off. “She said she knew someone who could help me with my situation.”
Pinkie nodded as she slowly pried Fluttershy off. “Oh, I know exactly who you’re looking for. Well, hopefully you won’t be waiting long. Please take a seat and make yourself comfortable, and here--” She slipped out of Fluttershy’s hooves and backflipped over to a pile of paper bags, plucked one out and handed it to Woebegone. “--Have a bearclaw, on the house!”
Woebegone thanked Pinkie as Fluttershy nervously said her goodbyes and said she “Had some things to take care of.”
As she walked out the door, Pinkie waved and called out, “Take care, Fluttershy, watch out for explosions and good luck with that fishbone lodged in your brain!”
Fluttershy froze for a microsecond before galloping off at full speed.
Pinkie turned back and observed the battleground and the one trooper before her. As much as she wanted to talk with the soldier, she had so much cleaning up and preparations to do before the oncoming battle that was known only as “lunch.” Much to her delight, however, she could ready her fortress and wag her chin at the same time.
So as she charged ahead taking out the trash and filing foodstuffs back to their shelves, she chatted with the green guy. He wasn’t much of a talker, and he talked so quietly too! She had to keep an ear facing him at all times. At least he was nice enough to offer to help, even if it was just carrying out the trash, but he wouldn’t touch the sweets because he claimed his hands were still wet. But they were dry! Why wouldn’t he give her a hand with her hot cross buns? Or her sweet raisins? Or even her plump melon bread? Oh well, he probably had his reasons. Likely it had to do with the little thundercloud that stared at him from the window. Its eyeless gaze weighed heavily on his spirits. "Stop it!" she yelled, and the cloud ran away.
It took some time, but all of the bags around and behind the front counter were taken care off. Then they moved into the kitchen, and wouldn’t you know it? More leaks! All of that drip-drip-drip was making her want to rip-rip-rip out her mane. The leaks only made things worse, as some of them fell on bags and smeared whatever label she had written on them earlier during the rush. Where was that plumber? She had asked Cheerilee to send for one more than an hour ago when she was in the middle of that breakfast stampede. She hadn’t forgotten. She wouldn’t. Oh, Ms. Cheerilee. As dependable as her, nopony can be.
Ooh! A haiku! And it rhymed! She’d have to share that with Cheerilee later. Of course, Cheerilee wouldn’t be able to enjoy it until after she sent that plumber like Pinkie asked her to do ages ago.
The two continued to make progress catching drips and sorting snacks. But as they did, Pinkie kept on hotching.
“Pinkie,” said Woebegone. “I can’t help but notice that you keep swaying side-to-side as you walk and stand. Are you alright?”
“I think so,” said Pinkie. “This is a new one to me, but I’m sure whatever it is, I can handle it.” She went back to work as Woebegone scratched his head and stared until he noticed the little thundercloud had returned and was peeking at him from the kitchen window. He went back to cleaning and organizing but kept the scheming cloud in the corner of his eye. Then came the ding-a-ling of the front door opening.
“Coming!” Pinkie flipped over Woebegone and into the doorway of the kitchen, but slipped and fell face first onto the wet hardwood floor. “I’m okay!” she announced.
Derpy stood at the front counter with the remains of a paper bag in her mouth. Her face was contorted and twisted, like it had just got caught in the taffy puller. “Oh, Pinkie. My muffins are ruined.”
“You poor thing, don’t worry!” She turned back to the kitchen door and yelled into the kitchen. “Hey, Woebegone!”
The little guy jumped out of his raincoat. “What happened!? I’m sorry! I--”
Pinkie giggled off his awkward response and pointed to Derpy. “Oh, nothing to get so worked up about, silly. Just grab her a bag that says--” A chunk of the ceiling next to Woebegone collapsed and a waterfall gushed forth. Pinkie couldn’t giggle that off. “Derpy, I’m so terribly sorry, but I don’t think I have muffins available at the moment. Please help yourself to any of the sweets on or behind the counter. Now, if you’ll excuse me.” She ran screaming into the kitchen.
A large, steady jet of water flushed out from a hoof-sized hole in the ceiling and drenched everything underneath. Pinkie violently swept everything off the counter underneath and slammed a mug underneath to catch the waterfall; however, it didn’t do a good job, not for a lack of trying or because it was too small, but because it broke. She jumped up on the soaked counter, leaned up against the wall, and blindly pushed up against the waterfall as it blasted her in the face until her hoof found and plugged the hole. It took a moment for the adrenaline to wear off, but she just couldn’t stop shivering or hotching in place.
Woebegone himself seemed utterly lost in panic as he grabbed a bag and ran out the door, only to come back a moment later without it. He looked up at her and timidly shouted, “She’s going to send help!” before proceeding to throw bags, ingredients, and spices away from the water all while flailing about in panic. Pinkie wished she could do the same, but she had to settle with flailing in place in panic. Also, her hoof was tapping and her shoulder was jerking.
Another waterfall erupted a few feet from her head, and she plugged it with her other forehoof. One more opened up just behind her, and she leaned back and shoved her head against the hole; as she fought to keep her ground and buckled under the growing pressure, the whole ceiling swelled up like a bloated mosquito. A burst of water and ceiling tile knocked her back tuckus-first onto the hard floor below. Dazed and disoriented, a pair of green hands gripped her by the barrel and flipped her over onto her belly and shoved her up on all fours. Several loud cracks roared above as the ceiling sunk to the floor like a bloated water balloon ready to burst. More torrents opened up around her and spread about like wildfire, the splashing and rushing of water drowned out the calls from Woebegone as he stood next to an open door, motioning for Pinkie to run towards the sunlight and the end of the kitchen. She got up to move, but the hotch threw her off balance and the flooded floor slowed her down, until there was a thunderous splash and the ceiling gave way above her. She closed her eyes.
The cacophony of tile, water, pan, and pipes all crashing down on her lasted a second. When she opened her eyes, she found herself in the bathtub in the middle of the kitchen. All around her, the floor of the bathroom had collapsed and layered itself on top of the kitchen like a layered cake-tastrophe. Like a fruit cake. Nopony likes fruitcake, and Pinkie felt like she was sitting in the middle of one.
But she wasn’t; she was in the middle of a full tub with a running faucet.
On noodly legs, she hotched her way out of the tub and turned off the faucet. Her hotch went away, and she was finally able to stand without shifting left and right.
Ooooh. Hotching is my Pinkie-Sense telling me I left the water running. That’s a useful one. She fell back on the soggy floor and took a deep breath. At least the twins weren’t in the tub and instead were safe in their room.
“Um… Pinkie, you feeling alright?”
“I think so, why do you…?” Pinkie looked over at Woebegone holding up the bathroom mirror. She saw her reflected self had a long, large bump sticking out of her head, just like a unicorn. And so did she. And boy-howdy, did it sting.
“Oh my, that’s not good. Excuse me.” She walked upstairs, gently picked up the twins, put Gummy on the counter and told him to watch the store, then turned to Woebegone.
“I’m sorry, but I need to find a babysitter and then head to the hospital. You’ll have to wait for Applejack on your own.”
“I’m so sorry, Pinkie! I’m so sorry!” bemoaned Woebegone. “I’ll just wait outside and…”
“What? Don’t be sorry, silly. It’s not your fault that I left the water on.” She adjusted the twins on her back, who remained transfixed at Pinkie’s new horn. “I have a friend right down the street who can look after the foals for me, then it’s just a straight walk to the hospital. Besides, I bet I’ll meet Fluttershy there. We could start a new non-unicorn-unicorn club!” She giggled and poked her bump. She immediately regretted poking her bump.
Pinkie headed out the door, dropped the twins off with Rarity, who took it all pretty well without asking a lot of questions, then headed off to meet Fluttershy at the hospital and start her new club.
---
The kitchen door to Sugarcube Corner blasted forth from its hinges and embedded itself into the opposite wall as Rainbow Dash zipped in the newly renovated kitchen-bathroom combo, but she couldn’t find Pinkie anywhere. Instead, she found a defeated green goblin moping in the corner just like the one Derpy had mentioned.
“I told her I was sorry, but she didn’t listen. She said it was her fault,” he mumbled to himself.
Rainbow got up into the goblin’s face. “What happened? Where is Pinkie?” she demanded.
“I’m so sorry!” he said. “I showed up, and the water was left on and the bath over-flooded and then there were leaks, and then Pinkie told me to get a bag that said ‘Derpy’ and the ceiling collapsed and--”
“Woah, woah, woah, hang on,” said Rainbow. “Run that by me one more time.”
The guy retold the events of the past several minutes: how he had come to wait for Applejack, the leaks, Pinkie realizing she left the water running in the tub and the disaster that followed, and it was somehow all his fault.
“Is that it?” Rainbow backed off the goblin and let out a sigh of relief. “Jeez, for a moment there, I thought it was you that did this.”
“But I did,” said the goblin, but she didn’t listen.
She extended a hoof. “Sorry for getting all up in your face. I’m Rainbow Dash.”
“Woebegone,” said Woebegone as he reached out to shake Rainbow’s hoof instead of returning the hoof-bump, which led to an uncool fumbling of hands and hooves. “Oops, sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize so much. What are you, Fluttershy?”
Woebegone cringed. “Oh, sorry.”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Look, I know where Applejack is. Let’s go meet her there instead of waiting.”
“But-- but--”
“No ‘buts,’ come on.” Rainbow pointed back at the disaster surrounding them. “I don’t want to wait for her here. Besides, if Applejack sees this, she’ll go into ‘Missus Fix-it’ mode and we’ll get nothing done. So let’s go.” She got behind the weakly protesting Woebegone and pushed him out the door.
---
As Derpy watched Rainbow take off from her cloud, she couldn’t help but imagine how she had been able to sleep with all the commotion that had been happening this morning. At least she was still able to help, unlike every other pony she had come across that looked like they were in need of help themselves. Or was today a holiday for being dirty, drunk, and naked? Nopony ever told her these things.
Well, she did what she was asked and finally sat down to enjoy her muffins. She got comfortable on a cloud and held the bag ‘Mr. Top Hat’ had given her. When he had asked her to go find help, he had also given her a bag with her name written on it. Well, it didn’t really look like her name. She could make out the ‘D,’ but everything else was smudged beyond legible. Oh well, it’s breakfast time!
She opened the bag, took a big whiff and wretched. Mr. Top Hat must have grabbed the wrong bag.
These were diapers.
Goodness, Derpy just wasn’t having a good day.
Chapter 5 - An Overwhelming Force Meets an Underwhelming Object
Applejack didn’t have to open the door to let herself in the kitchen entrance to Sugarcube Corner, since it was lying on the ground in front of her. Pinkie wasn’t home, and Woebegone wasn’t there either. The place looked like a shook-up flimsy dollhouse with the bathroom in the kitchen and the kitchen in the bathroom, and both leaked milk and bathwater into the dining area.
There was a mustachioed pony in overalls in the middle of the mess standing next to an exposed pipe sticking out of the wall that spouted water everywhere.
“Who are you?” said Applejack.
“Scruffy, the plumber.” He pulled out a wrench and gave a nut on the pipe a few turns, stopping the water. “My work here’s done.” He plopped himself down on a chair and pulled out a magazine.
“What in tarnations happened here?”
“Leak,” said Scruffy without looking up from his questionable magazine. “Came to fix it.”
“Well, I can see that. Where’s Pinkie Pie?”
“Dunno.” Scruffy held up the magazine and gazed at the fold-out.
Applejack rolled her eyes and left. If Woebegone’s curse was real, and it wasn’t, then this was a sign of his presence. He had been here, and perhaps if she hadn’t taken so long hosing herself down and letting Granny chew her ear off about the cart and produce, she might have caught him before whatever had happened here had happened. And even on the off-chance this catastrophe was the work of a curse and not some Pinkie Pie cooking accident, there was no clue where they went off to other than a “Sorry, we’re closed” sign and a gurgling gator at the register.
She needed to take Woebegone to Twilight to prove that there were no such things as curses before his non-existent curse struck again.
But she’d get nowhere by standing around like an apple tree in a parade, so off she went out into the street to rustle up a lead before that horrific stench spreading about town made her hurl. The stink reminded her of the time Winona fell into a barrel of the “adult” apple cider, but stronger. Not as strong as Applebloom’s spaghetti farts, but darn near it. She asked the first pony she met, “Have you seen a little green fella, and why are you naked?”
---
“Why am I naked?” said the naked pony sitting on the lopsided floor in front of a lopsided Twilight in the lopsided room in the lopsided castle.
Twilight sighed as she rubbed her temples. The air-bubble spell she had cast around her head might have kept out the fumes, but it wasn’t keeping out the headaches. “Yes, that’s what I asked you.” Twilight’s patience was at an end. Pony after hairless pony had been brought before her for questioning. Each one of them reeked of alcohol and peppers and was only lucid enough to ramble a bit before throwing up or falling asleep; each one of them left a cloud of alcohol vapors wherever they went. Even worse still, her helpers weren’t being helpful. Starlight was getting woozier with each pony she brought, to the point that she had become relaxed. Too relaxed. She kept leaning on Twilight, hugging her, and whispering words like “Adorkable” and “Special In-Depth Friendship Lessons.” Darn it, Twilight was absolutely flattered that Starlight was beginning to look up to her just as much as she once looked up to Celestia and was developing a fiery passion for learning, but there was always a time and a place for showing appreciation or tutoring, and in a lopsided castle while interrogating lopsided naked stallions wasn’t one of them.
“Come on, Twily… you need to relax.”
“No, Starlight. And don’t call me Twily in front of… of.. What’s your name again?”
“Naked,” said the stallion.
“No, your name.”
“I’m Naked,” said the stallion with a lopsided smirk and a snicker.
“Yes, you are, but who are you?”
“You said it yourself, ‘Naked.’ I am Naked.”
“No, that’s what you are. I’m asking who are you?”
“I thought what I was was a pony.”
“Wai-- wha-- no! You are a pony. You’re just a pony in a state of undress.”
Starlight chortled at Twilight’s exasperation, and the stallion smiled even wider than before. “No, I’m not,” said the drunk pony with a bottom-lip-biting smile.
“Yes. You are.”
“I think you’re quite mistaken. We’re in Equestria.”
“You’re drunk.”
“Nope,” the stallion said and winked over at Starlight. “I’m Naked.”
Starlight giggled. “He’s funny.” She gave Twilight a little squeeze. “He could use a good friendship lesson, too.” The stallion’s brows popped up, and his mouth hung open.
Twilight groaned and facehoofed. “No. Get out of here.” She lifted up the whining stallion with her magic and rushed him out the lopsided room through the lopsided door.
“Oh, come on! Can’t I at least watch!? I’ll take good notes!”
The door slammed shut behind him, only to be opened again by Spike. Unlike the other ponies around her, he seemed to be unnaffected by the alcohol fog, but it wasn’t a good trade- off. His charred little head left a trail of smoke wherever he went. Maybe dragons had a natural resistance to the effects of alcohol. It was something Twilight now wanted to test out, but there were the ethical issues of giving liquor to a minor. At least, a minor by pony standards. She had no idea when dragons allowed their young to drink, or if they even had set age restrictions on drinking. Cultural and biological curiosities aside, she had more important matters at hoof.
“So… no luck with Thunderlane?” The air caught by his dragon breath erupted into a fireball and enveloped his head. Unhurt but covered in a new layer of soot, Spike slapped his claws over his mouth. “Oops, sorry.” Another fireball fwooshed.
She shook her head. “No. Please send in the next one.”
At these words, Spike smiled and open his mouth to speak, but caught his tongue. He grabbed a paper and quill off of Twilight’s lopsided desk and scribbled a few words on it before sliding it back to her.
This one’s not drunk.
Finally, some good news. “Great, send them in.”
Spike saluted. “Aye-aye!” and the flames of his response licked the air bubble around Twilight’s head and lit up like the sun. Her mane was on fire. Twilight stopped, dropped, and screamed while Spike tried desperately to smother the flames with whatever he could get his claws on.
“No! Not the books!” cried Twilight.
“See, I told you you were hot,” said Starlight before she passed out with a stupid lopsided grin.
---
“I know I’m hot,” boasted Rainbow Dash as she and her new admirer-to-be took the out-of-town path toward Sweet Apple Acres. However, this guy was somewhat hard to impress because he was so self-absorbed with his “oh, woe is me” attitude. It made her sick. He claimed to be a nothing and a nobody, but the few stories about himself he shared said otherwise. He acted like the whole of Equestria was influenced by his overwhelmingly underwhelming presence. But whatever he said was soaked with his self-defeating attitude that irritated her to no end. Every little sigh and passive statement made Rainbow grind her teeth into calcium dust; however, that was going to change. She would project her abundant awesomeness onto him, and thus he would see that he himself had something to be proud of. She’d make him awesome by association. “And it’s true because I know it.”
“So how do you know it’s true?”
“Because I know it is. I work at being awesome every day!”
“So, it’s true because you know it is?”
“That’s right.”
Woebegone looked at his long toes on his green, bandaged feet. “Sort of like how I’m bad luck.”
“What--? No, that isn’t--”
He submissively shook his head. “No, it’s true. I’m bad luck, and it’s true because I know it.”
“Hey, come on, now. Just because you think something is true doesn’t mean it is.”
“But you just said that because you know something is true, it is. And I know that I’m bad luck, and therefore it is true. Everywhere I go, there is always--”
Rainbow covered her ears. “I know I’m awesome because it’s true. Just because you think you’re unlucky doesn’t mean it’s true.”
“But I know--”
She threw her head back and groaned. Never before had she had such a Negative Nellie shoot down every bit of advice she was trying to cram into his thick skull. Nothing a little awesomeness couldn’t solve.
“--I’m just bad luck. Maybe I shouldn’t stay here at all. I really don’t want to trouble anyone anymore.”
That was it. Rainbow threw her hooves out and got right in his face. “Oh, come on! You know what your problem is?!” Woebegone fell back on his rump, but she still stayed in his face and hammered it in. “It’s your attitude! You think everything about you is bad, so you look for examples. ‘Oh, I’m bad luck,’ ‘Oh, I tripped and fell. I’m just so unlucky,’ ‘Oh, I forgot to set my alarm and I slept in and missed Pinkie’s birthday party and then she was upset with me for a month and left confetti bombs all over my house and even left one in the toilet that didn’t go off for weeks until Soarin’ came over for a visit and just happened to weigh enough to set it off, causing him to fall over in fright and injure his wing, again; and then I get the blame for it and have to clean the Wonderbolts’ locker room for a week because of it. I’m just a no-good pony who isn’t good to her friends or colleagues that needs to pretend like nothing happened because I’m afraid of not being awesome.’”
“That last one was oddly specific.”
“You are unlucky to yourself because you think you’re unlucky and therefore blame everything bad that happens on yourself. And the sooner you realize that and stop being so self-defeating all the time, the better off you’ll be.” Her chest flared with a passionate hatred for his shriveled spirit. After a few deep breaths, though, she saw that her outburst had startled him enough to hide under his oversized hat.
No. This won’t do. If she was going to beat the defeated psyche out of him, it would have to be with epic displays of how her attitude made her awesome.“Hey,” she said softly. “Look, I’m sorry I exploded in your face like that. It’s just that--”
A tiny boom of thunder knocked her off course; she turned her focus on a black, bucket-ball sized cumulus cloud rolling down the path. It rumbled with angry glee when it found them and rushed over until it was perched just above Woebegone’s head, then dumped rain on him.
“What in the hay is that?”
“Oh, that? That’s my curse.”
Rainbow poked the cloud, and it rumbled angrily back at her. “You mean, you're bad luck?”
“Mm hmm.” Woebegone got up and pointed at the cloud. “It’s been following me ever since the witch cursed me.”
There’s a witch now? Oh, buck me. Rainbow sighed. “Witches? That’s stupid. Let me take care of that.” She decked the cloud in the face, and it fell apart into water molecules. She crossed her forelegs and smiled. “See? Bad-luck, shmad-luck. You just gotta take life in your own hooves and take action. Just like I--” The cloud reformed over Woebegone’s head and continued raining on his parade. “What the hay?” She decked it again, only for it to reappear seconds later.
“It’s hopeless,” woed Woebegone. “No matter what I do, I’m stuck with this curse for the rest of my life. I’ve got the worst luck.”
The cloud above his head swelled and boasted at Rainbow with smug little thunderclaps, just begging to be decked again.
Well, she wasn’t a one trick pony! If she couldn’t kick this cloud in the face, she would kick it in the spirit. Then the face. “You know what you need? A demonstration! I’ve been talking the talk, but I haven’t been flying the fly. You’re going to see what a good attitude will get you. Now watch!”
With a powerful flap, she surged straight into the sky. Inside loops and outside loops turned into a series of Cuban eights and a Hammerhead stall, then she rolled out into Aileron, Barrel, Rudder, and Slow Rolls before taking it to the max with a Tailslide. Bell variation, of course. She rushed up and up and up into the heavens and snapped her wings shut and let gravity grind her momentum to a halt. As she tilted back with her belly towards the sun, her nose dropped through the horizon, and she could see all of Ponyville and most of Equestria basking in her glow before plummeting to the ground at a breakneck speed in a controlled dive. Even from the clouds, the sheer effect her awesomeness had was clearly visible on her audience. Those wide eyes jumping out from under that large hat of his had never seen anything like this once-in-a-lifetime performance she was giving him. Even the cloud wet itself from the sheer awesomeness.
She continued to watch them out of the corner of her eye as she plummeted to the ground. The wind whistled in her ear alongside the distant cries of the audience below. She was no longer above the clouds. She was no longer above the mountains. She dove below the tops of the trees until she could make out each and every blade of grass in her shadow, then she popped her wings open and whipped up into a magnificent Zoom Climb that blew down Woebegone and sent his cloud halfway to Saddle Arabia. Her point thoroughly proven, she landed beside Woebegone and helped him up.
“See? What’d I tell you? Attitude is everything. Maintaining a great attitude keeps you from dropping until you crash in a horrific bloody mess.”
He looked at her like he was going to die. “What was that!?” He grasped her with shaky hands. “I thought you were done for! Why did you fall like that? I thought something bad happened!”
“Pffft. That? That was nothing. It’s called a dive. I do it all the time. Wasn’t it amazing?”
“But-but--” He stopped shaking and let go of Rainbow. “It was! I mean, I thought you were a goner, but you… wow. It was... amazing!”
Rainbow smirked. “Thrilling?”
“Oh yes, thrilling!”
“How about awesome?”
“Oh yes, awesome!”
“See? That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m awesome because I know I’m awesome. I know I’m awesome because I do things an awesome me would do. Therefore, I know I’m awesome because I am awesome.”
Woebegone scratched his head, and a little twinkle of awesomeness sparkled in his such an infuriated cloud staring eyelessly back at her. Woebegone’s woefulness, just like the eyes. “I think I’m beginning to get it now.”
“Heh, now you’ve got it.”
“Oh, but I can’t ever be as awesome as that. You’re lucky to be so awesome.”
Rainbow was having none of this. “No!” She bucked the cloud off him. “I’m not lucky! I’ve had to work hard to be this awesome. I’ll show you that you can beat your unluckiness with dedication and keeping yourself in the zone by performing what took me years of practice to perfect. I broke my bones, I plucked my feathers, and I sweated blood every day for years just to get it right. Luck has nothing to do it.”
She launched into the air and shouted, “Get ready for the greatest aerial trick of all time: The Sonic Rainboom!” Accelerating as hard as she could, she gave herself enough distance to perform the trick just right so that it would happen at the right spot so that not only Woebegone, but the whole town of Ponyville could bask in its awesomeness. Besides, she hadn’t performed a Rainboom for the town in a long time. She zipped away from town towards the mountains in the distance, flew up the cragged cliffs, and then turned about and saw the world beneath her. The sensitive feathers in her wings and years of experience gauged the conditions around her. Everything was perfect.
She visualized herself rushing down the mountainside and through the air over Ponyville, and at the right moment, she’d crash through the rainboom barrier, and the air around her would implode from her speed. She’d light up the sky like a million and two firecrackers. Everything was going to be perfect.
She dove. Leaves ripped from trees as she zoomed by, branches snapped, grass tore out from the ground. Only a bit more and she’d reach the speed needed to pull off the trick. She just needed to wait until she passed her mark: Woebegone’s purple hat.
It flashed before her, and she gave the extra push.
Colors boomed across the sky.
Everything was perfect.
“Yeaaaah! Good morning, Ponyville!” Rainbow screamed on the top of her lungs.
Then everything went dark, and she felt herself plummeting to the ground.
Everything wasn’t perfect.
---
This was one unlucky morning for Derpy. Not only once, but twice was her breakfast ruined. Her first bag of muffins had split open over a mud puddle, and the second one had actually been a bag of soiled diapers. And now she was delivering mail on an empty stomach.
Still, even as hungry as she was, she wasn’t mad. There were things in this world she couldn’t control, and she’d come to accept that long ago. Just roll with the bucks. If you tried to remained rigid and stiff with everything, the stress would break you. That was why she considered herself a soft, spongy muffin. She didn’t let anything make her mad. She wasn’t some oatmeal cookie that would crumble under the least bit of pressure.
Okay, muffins crumbled too. Maybe the analogy would work better if she compared herself to licorice, but she didn’t want to do so because of three things: One - she wasn’t about to let some unspoken universal standard of what made a passive analogy or not dictate what she thought. Two - the analogy still stood because muffins were typically more resilient to abuse than cookies were. And three - she didn’t like licorice.
Her tummy growled. Boy, thinking makes me hungry. And so does not eating breakfast.
She knew Pinkie and that green fellow didn’t give her the diapers on purpose. They deserved one more chance. With her first round finished, she lifted up above the rooftops and turned toward Pinkie’s neighborhood. This time she wouldn’t leave until she had at least a muffin or six in her gut and a few more to take home.
The taste was already on her tongue teasing her rumbly tummy. Seeing Sugarcube Corner made the ghostly sensations more vivid. Derpy drooled in anticipation.
A loud bang and prisma-colored blast of light filled the sky.
“Good morning, Ponyville!” screamed a voice behind her.
“Huh, wha--”
Something rammed her from behind and knocked her out of the sky.
---
The pretty, sleek mare with long, luscious eyebrows stared up from the page of the Cosmarepolitin magazine and at Nurse Tenderheart. Her eyes said, “I’m so beautiful that the world revolves around me. Everypony holds their breath when I talk and drink in everything I say. I cannot be ignored. You cannot look away!”
Tenderheart looked up at the clock on the wall and turned the page.
It had been a rather slow morning for the Ponyville Hospital, and thankfully so. Most of the doctors were away for a medical conference in Manehatten, leaving only one doctor and a bunch of nurses in the skeleton crew to tend to a disaster-prone town full of easily-worked-up ponies. Tenderheart couldn’t exaggerate the point enough that she was thankful that this was a slow morning and nothing bad would happen.
This morning had been so slow, in fact, that Dr. Stable had offered to go out and get donuts and coffee for the bare-bone staff.
Tenderheart only could hear the waiting room clock tick-tocking and the flipping of magazine pages on this slow, quiet, uneventful morning. The front door opened with the chiming of a little bell. Fluttershy walked in. She looked around from under her sun hat and was visibly relieved to see that no other ponies were there before coming up to the desk.
“Hello, Fluttershy, how can I help you?” said Tenderheart.
“Um, yes, I was wondering if I could see a doctor.”
“Okay, what is the nature of this visit? Checkup? Shots?”
“Oh.. um… I just have a few questions for the doctor, that’s all.”
“I’m sorry, Fluttershy, but all of the doctors except for Dr. Stable are out of town today on a meeting, and Dr. Stable isn’t back from his errand into Ponyville yet. He should be back any moment.”
Fluttershy slumped her shoulders. “Oh.”
“If you’d like, I can help you.”
Fluttershy looked around once more and sighed. ‘Okay, there was an accident, and…”
The bell jingled again, and another pony plopped onto the floor. Pinkie Pie had a long, large bump protruding from her head. She peeled her face up off the linoleum floor, picked herself up, stumbled over to the reception desk, and leaned against Fluttershy. “Hellooooo, nurse! I’ve got a booboo, and I think’ll take more than a kiss to make this one go away.”
Tenderheart’s stomach turned to ice. “Pinkie, that bump! What happened to you?”
“I had an accident.” She turned to Fluttershy. “Here’s a tip for you, Flutters. Never bathe and bake babies at the same time.” Pinkie went cross-eyed, then shook it off. “I mean bake and bathe babies.”
“Fluttershy, put Pinkie in a chair. I’ll get some ice.”
Tenderheart rushed off, brought back a pack of ice, and held it to Pinkie’s head. “Now girls, please tell me what happened.”
Pinkie giggled. “Well, Fluttershy has a bonehead problem.”
“I’m being serious, Pinkie.”
“So am I.” She snickered. “Bone.”
“Listen, Dr. Stable will be in momentarily. Until then, I need your full cooperation and…” The door jingled open. “Oh that must be him!”
It was Derpy.
Oh, what now? “Miss Derpy?”
Derpy was on the brink of sobbing. “I just wanted a muffin,” she said. “Is that too much to ask?”
Tenderheart rubbed her temples. “Sweetie, please. I’m busy with other patients; unless you have a medical emergency, we can talk later.”
Without saying a word, Derpy waddled uncomfortably into the waiting room. Once she was completely inside, Pinkie started laughing hysterically, and Fluttershy fainted. Tenderheart could only stare.
Rainbow Dash had her head firmly stuck up Derpy’s butt.
Twilight carefully levitated the sheers off the tilted table in the tilted throne room with the tilted thrones and the tilted chandelier and inched them closer to the masked pony’s face sitting in front of her. She slid the scissors in between the fur and the melted plastic and snipped away where the two bonded together to the coatless, tailless, maneless mare’s face. After many minutes of delicate trimming, the mask came free and revealed the mare’s purple face.
“Berry Punch!”
Berry gasped for air. “Oh sweet and sour Celestia, you have no idea how hard it was to breathe in that thing. The darn blast melted the breathing holes. Thanks for getting me out of there, Princess.” She thumped her chest and gulped down deep mouthfuls of air, then looked up at Twilight’s mane. “Jumping juniper berries, Twilight, what happened to you? Got caught in the blast as well?”
“Who did this to you?” asked Twilight. “Do you know what caused the explosion? Everypony in Ponyville heard it. There were so many ponies burned coatless just like you! Ponies are panicking and locking themselves indoors. So many windows were busted and paintjobs peeled. The damage was extensive. It’ll cost a fortune to fix everything!”
Berry’s eyes went wide and and her pupils darted madly about, possibly reliving the horrible event. “Well… you see, Princess--” she raised a hoof to scratch at the back of her neck where her mane had once been “--I was transporting some of my product through Main Street. I stopped to talk with Bonnie when all of the sudden her friend Lyra came by and started jabbering on about a cursed… thing-a-ma-gook.”
“A cursed what?”
“He’s this little green thing. A non-pony. Dressed head-to-hoof in purple, with a flippin’ huge hat, long flat feet, and a wild red mane. Lyra saw the thing-a-ma-gook and went pants-on-head mad, ranting and raving about curses and disasters. Other ponies nearby got worked up until everypony went bat-poop. And then--” Berry smiled sheepishly with a shrug “--my barrel exploded.”
“So you’re saying this ‘thing-a-ma-gook’ caused your barrel of alcohol to explode?”
“Aye,” she said with a nod.
“What kind of alcohol were you transporting?”
“Oh, you know, just the usual stuff. Wine. Red. You know.”
“Huh, really? So did you see the ‘thing-a-ma-gook’ cast a spell or--” A loud sonic boom cut Twilight short, and prismatic lights flooded in through the windows and blasted her in the eyes. She shielded herself with a wing.
“Anyway--” Berry blurted with beads of sweat trickling down her forehead, “--Lyra said she saw that thing-a-ma-gook also cause the sewage pipe explosion in the farmers’ market, cursed Applejack to give him a discount, and we were next right before that huge clusterbuck and--”
Twilight held up a hoof. “That’s enough, Berry, thank you.” She turned towards the door. “Spike!” He clawed his way through the hallway and up the slanted floor. “Have the royal guards search the town for a green… non-pony dressed in purple and bring him here. He might be behind today’s incidents.”
He saluted. “Aye-aye!” he said before quickly covering his mouth. No fireball erupted around him. “Hey! The air is clearing up. I can finally speak again!” He rolled over and slid out the door and down the halls. His voice echoed throughout from the hallway. “Hey, guards, I’ve got orders from Twilight!”
Twilight’s mind whizzed and whirled with all of the wild information that she had gathered -- Berry’s barrel would explain the intoxicating fumes that made everypony silly, but what about the farmers’ market? His presence wouldn’t be enough to logically pin him as the culprit, but he was present for both incidents. Could it have been a coincidence? What if there were more undocumented cases?
Berry put on a big smile and backed away to the door. “Well, I’m glad to have been of service, Princess, I’ll be getting out of your mane now.”
“Don’t go anywhere. I’ve still have some questions.”
Twilight sat down at the tilted table in the center of the tilted room and magicked up some paper and a quill. I’ve got to find out what is going on and fast before anypony else gets hurt. There has to be some logical explanation for all of this. She dipped the quill in ink and wrote the first thing that came to mind: Applejack - discounts?
---
The herd of hairless ponies flocked together and hobbled over to the hospital, and Applejack followed. Most were either too peeved, pained, or plastered to answer her questions, although a few could recollect seeing Woebegone before the disaster. Nothing helpful. If he had been in the area when the blast went off, he’d likely be with the group to get medical treatment for any burns, bumps, or bruises.
The hospital stood tall over a sea of groaning fleshy-pink ponies. Several royal guards waded through the flood, fished one or two out seemingly at random, and hauled their catch off toward Twilight’s tilted castle. Applejack herself had to gingerly tip-toe through the crowd to the front door. They all stunk something fierce. Something poked her in the gut.
“You got any aspirin?” asked a stallion pegasus who was laying on his side and holding his head between his hooves. His featherless wing was outstretched and rubbing against her belly. Without their proud plumage, the appendages looked like wrinkly, spindly monkey fingers with webbed joints that bent at unnatural angles. She gagged.
“Sorry, sugarcube. Don’t got any on me.”
He grumbled and rested his head back on the grass. She tried her best not to look at his monkey finger as it wormed against his side while she stepped over him and pushed through the front door. Naked ponies took up all the chairs and the floorspace in the waiting room. Still, nowhere did she see any green. She did see familiar shades of yellow and bubble-gum pink way back in the far corner.
Pinkie lazily waved with one hoof while holding the other to her head and whispered loudly, “Hey, cuz, you here to join our club?” The pony next to her shushed her.
Applejack cupped an ear. “What?” All the naked ponies turned around and shushed her. She rolled her eyes went over to her friends, and that’s when she noticed that Pinkie was holding a bag of frozen peas to her head. She lifted it up and proudly showed off a large bump the size of a unicorn horn on her head.
“Goodness gracious, Pinkie Pie! What happened to you?”
“Shhh!”
Applejack glared at the crowd behind her and snorted. “What happened to you, Pinkie?” she whispered.
“Tub to the head.”
“Beg your pardon?” Applejack furrowed her brow, and a few seconds later she remembered the state of Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen. “I saw the damage, sugarcube. You’re not too bad off, are you?”
“I’m a pea-brain,” said Pinkie with a giggle, but then winced. “Owowow ow. Hurts to joke.”
“They gave her some pain medicine,” explained Fluttershy. “It’s been making her a bit drowsy and, well, goofier than usual.”
Pinkie looked up towards Applejack, but not seemingly quite at her. “Heh, if I’m a pea-brain, then Fluttershy is a bone-head! Hahahooowowowow.”
“Shhh!” shhh’ed everypony else in the room.
“What in tarnations is she on about?”
Fluttershy twiddled her front hooves and glanced at the floor. “Um, well, you see...” She lifted her sunhat slightly to reveal the bone lodged in her forehead.
Shivers went down Applejack’s spine. “Land’s sake, girl!”
“Shhh!”
Fluttershy promptly pulled the hat back down on her head. “The bone is stuck pretty good. The nurse said they’d prepare an x-ray for me, but it didn’t look too serious. However, they won’t be able to look until after they treat Rainbow.”
“Rainbow’s here, too!? What happened to her?”
“She’s a butthead!” said Pinkie and then laughed hysterically at her own joke.
“Shhh!” Spittle splattered on Applejack’s face.
“Shhh yourself,” barked Applejack.
“No! You shhh!”
“Hey! Shhh, you!” shouted a stallion to the mare.
The room devolved into a series of barks and shhh’s that didn’t end, like a bunch of deflating pink balloons. She had no time for this stupidity. “Pinkie Pie, did you happen to meet a little green fellow?”
“Sure have!”
Finally! “Where is he? Is he here with you?”
Both of the girls shook their heads. “Nope. He should still be at Sugarcube Corner.”
“But he wasn’t there! I need to find him and prove to him his curse isn’t real before it strikes again!” said Applejack as she motioned to the crowd behind her.
The crowd went dreadfully silent, and every eye was pinned to her with surprise and fear. One mare in the back uttered, “Did you say, ‘curse’?”
Applejack stared her down, but she couldn’t keep her glower when Pinkie spoke up behind her. “Yeah, there’s a poor guy who thinks he’s cursed with bad luck.”
“Bad luck? Bad luck? Look at us,” said a stallion as he motioned to the naked crowd around him. “Just how unlucky does he think he is?”
“Is he here with us?” asked another trembling pony with bulging eyes.
Pinkie shook her head. “No, you’d know if he was. He’s green and has a nifty hat.”
“That’s enough, Pinkie,” whispered Applejack through clenched teeth.
“I saw him!” shouted a pony in the corner. “I saw him before the explosion.”
“I did too!” shouted another. “And I saw him at the farmers’ market this morning. He unearthed a sewage pipe and blew it up!”
The crowd rumbled back to life quickly and grew into a roar of hearsay and suppositions, and every pony fearfully boasted their claims louder than the last.
“He busted all of my windows!”
“He got crap all over my carrots!”
“He made my brain explode!”
One unicorn mare held aloft in glowing magic a dirty lyre with broken cords and shouted “He ruined my lyre!” before pointing it at Applejack, “And he cursed Applejack! I saw it myself. He walked over to her stand and it fell apart, but that wasn’t enough, he didn’t leave until he cursed her into giving him a discount!”
“He did no such thing, and you know it! You were right beside me,” said Applejack. “Stop saying such hogwash.”
“You did give him a discount, didn’t you?”
“Listen, the guy had the bits and was willing to pay. I accidentally gave him bad produce, more than once, so I figured the courteous thing to do was--”
“So you admit it?” boasted the unicorn.
“What!? No! I mean, I did what I thought was best by--”
The unicorn flailed her forelegs up and stirred up the crowd. “You see!? She did. That goblin has cursed her. How ‘unlucky’ it was that she had so much bad produce that she was forced to give a discount.”
The crowd roared in agreement. The “Yea’s” and “Hear-Hear’s” quickly morphed into hostile calls for justice and retribution. The ferocity of their words fueled the fire in their bellies. Nopony seemed to hear the one sane voice in the crowd. “Lyra, what are you doing!? Applejack gave me a discount before back when her little sister had--” but it was too late. The ponies were drunk on emotion and followed their leader out the door.
“Let’s take back our town and put an end to this curse! Protect our homes! Protect our families!”
“Take back Ponyville! Take back Ponyville!” the mob chanted as they flooded out the hospital entrance, leaving Applejack, her friends, and one naked earth mare in an empty waiting room.
“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into her,” said the mare before running out the door.
Applejack turned back to her friends, who were left speechless by what happened. “Gals, I’ve got to get going before somepony gets hurt,” she said before rushing out the door.
---
Rarity was unclean. She had shampooed and scrubbed and soaped every inch of her body, but the smell remained. This was the worst thing. The worst possible thing that could have happened to her. The mane on the top of her head had been sheared by a flying knife, and then the septic tank had exploded all over her. “I’ll never be clean again!” she wailed in the shower.
There was a knock on the bathroom door. “Rarity,” called Sweetie Belle. “You’re taking forever. Scootaloo’s here, and we’ve already started cooking without you.”
She groaned in frustration. No, Rarity. She’s been looking forward to this for a whole week. She’d be devastated if you break your promise. She sighed and turned off the water. “I’ll be out in a moment, dear, and then we can start cooking. Now turn off the stove!”
“Fine,” said Sweetie Belle with a breath of dissatisfaction in her voice. Rarity could hear her hooves clip-clop away from the door and down the stairs. She lifted up a leg and took a whiff. The sour stink of sewage was still faintly soaked in her fur, but it was nowhere near as horrid as it was when she had come running back from the market. She hoped that nopony recognized her as she desperately rushed home to jump into the shower and focused on scrubbing off the layers of filth. A loud boom from indiscriminate origins didn’t faze her as she continued to scrub. “Sweetie Belle, stop that racket,” she said as she rinsed for the twelfth time. She stepped out of the tub, spritzed herself with some extra perfume, and threw on a small but fanciable hat before heading down the stairs.
“Rarity! Applebloom’s here,” called Sweetie Belle.
“Coming, coming.”
Before she could reach the kitchen, there was a knock on the front door. She answered it. A royal pegasus guard with broad, sturdy shoulders, and a smooth, solid chin stood on her welcome mat. His practiced posture radiated with power and confidence. His intelligent blue eyes beheld her with a quiet gaze that commanded her knees to tremble. She was so happy she had the hat. “Hello, how may I be of assistance?” said Rarity with a sensual smile.
He spoke with a strong, calm voice. “Good evening, miss. We are looking for a creature that is somewhere in Ponyville.”
“Oh my! Is it serious?”
The guard nodded. “I’m afraid it is. Have you seen a two-legged creature with green skin and a long red mane in purple clothes?”
Rarity shook her head. “I believe I saw him at the market this morning; but whatever for?”
“He is the suspect of several devastating instances that have left many ponies in need of medical care. He has been deemed to be very dangerous. If you see him, do not approach and immediately contact the guards.”
“Oh dear!” Rarity flinched with fright and held a hoof to her chest. She flicked her tail and pressed herself against that strong chest while looking up from under her fluttering lashes. “It’s so nice to have such strong, dependable guards like yourself for our protection. Couldn’t you stay here and protect me and my boutique?” She topped it off with a little hip wiggle.
The guard didn’t even blink. “I’d have to ask my wife first. Good day, miss,” he said with a slight nod before taking off into the sky.
She hated to see him leave, but she loved watching him go. “Just my luck,” she said before shutting the door behind her and went into the kitchen, and that’s when she saw it. The back door of the boutique to the kitchen was wide open, and and three fillies were standing just inside of it, surrounding a two-legged creature. She yelped in fright. All eyes fell upon her, and her heart went cold. The red-maned creature looked up at her with frightfully sunken eyes from under his monstrous hat and waved at her with his sickly, baby-spittle green skin, soaked to the bone. The rags that hung off his turnip-shaped body were held together with a messy purple patchwork of stitches. The soaked rags dripped on her once pristine kitchen floor. The mud caked on the soles of his lanky, unkempt feet trailed behind him and splattered everywhere with each step. Opalescence was beside him, getting her muddy claws tangled up in loose threads hanging from his sleeve. A murderous thundercloud hung over his head and looked like it would blow up at any moment. He was horrible. Sweetie Belle and her friends were within his reach, and at any moment he could snatch them up and force Rarity to do his bidding -- let him hide here until dark and smuggle him out of Ponyville under the cover of night, or even worse, use her exalted status to get close to others like Filthy Rich, Princess Celestia, Luna, or Twilight. She would not let him! Her muscles tightened as she prepared to pounce, hoof first into that thin, frail smile of his and knock out his yellow teeth.
But with guards combing the streets for him, that might be what he was expecting, or perhaps he didn’t know that she knew. Or maybe he knew that she knew that he knew. She couldn’t know. A subtler approach would be more effective. She let out her held breath and loosened her stance before calmly returning his smile with hers. “Why hello, dear, I wasn’t expecting Apple Bloom to bring a friend. Who might you be?”
“I’m Woebegone. Very nice to meet you, miss,” he said with a tip of the hat, revealing his bald spot.
Her stomach squirmed. She briefly looked away and saw the counter covered with pots, pans, boxes of ingredients, and a several bottles of oils and ingredients next to a pot of bubbling water. An open bag of flour sat on the kitchen table. She’d love to throw it in his face. “Very nice to meet you, Mr. Woebegone, I’m Rarity.” She looked down at the fillies. “Apple Bloom, I didn’t know you had a ‘plus one’.”
“Well, I saw him wandering ‘round the road to Sweet Apple Acres, and turns out, he’s lookin’ for my sis,” said Apple Bloom. “So, I figured that since she’s in town, I’d bring him here and ask you if you knew where she was. Y’all wouldn’t happen to know where she is, right? She wasn’t at the market.”
Rarity quickly looked out the kitchen window to a terrifyingly empty street and back to Apple Bloom. “You haven’t seen her? Or any pony?”
She shook her head. “Nnnope. Notta one on the whole way here.”
Scootaloo scratched her chin. “Hey, yeah, I noticed that too. I didn’t see anypony either. Is there a parade or something?”
“I don’t know, but it stinks out there,” said Sweetie Belle.
Rarity discreetly sniffed herself before changing the topic to something more pressing than smells. “Woebegone, why are you looking for Applejack?”
“Because she knows a pony who’s very good with magic.”
It has begun! “Oh, is that right, darling? Girls, I need to show you something. If you’ll follow me...” She backed up to the open kitchen door and escorted the three confused fillies out while keeping Woebegone in the corner of her eye. “This won’t take more than a second,” she said to the red-maned creature before shutting the door calmly on his confused face. She As soon as the door clicked into place, Rarity grabbed her fainting couch from its corner and jammed it against the door, then her sewing machine, and then piled on mannequin after mannequin after mannequin. Opalescence could take care of herself.
“What the hay, Rarity?” squeaked Sweetie Belle.
“Yeah, what was that for?” said Apple Bloom.
“Girls, hush!” Rarity whispered. “That Woebegone fellow is bad news. I need you to go out, get the guards, and send them here!”
The fillies were taken aback by her commands. “How could you?” chastised Sweetie Belle with a very condescending tone, like a mother to a filly who should know better.
“This is Zecora all over again, isn’t it?” said Apple Bloom. Rarity flinched as if kicked in the nose.
Woebegone’s voice called out from behind the barricaded door. “Hello? Your cat is on the counter. I’m not sure if you’re okay with that, or…”
“Apple Bloom! That isn’t true!”
The clanking of pots and pans rang out from the kitchen. “She’s knocking stuff over!” called out Woebegone with a warble of worry in his voice. “No, miss kitty, that’s not--” Opalescence hissed. “--Ow! She scratched me.” China smashed against the kitchen floor. It sounded expensive.
“Uh-huh, sure it is,” said Apple Bloom, “and why is he dangerous?”
“Because he, uh, he… he did this!” Rarity pulled off her hat.
The girls looked at her in disbelief before bursting with laughter.
“Pffft! Yeah right,” said Scootaloo.
Rarity audibly ground her teeth together. She tried to be nice, but this browbeating from her sister and her friends was breaking her generous patience. “A guard came by earlier and informed me of a town-wide search for a two-legged, red-maned green creature that is a wanted suspect. There is a potential criminal in my home. Now you three will do as you’re told and you will--”
“Fire! Fire!” screamed out Woebegone.
Rarity jumped away from the door behind her and gasped. Black smoke seeped through the small open space of the doorframe. She cried out in terror as she ripped apart the barricade and violently threw the door open. Opalescence, covered in cooking oil and flour, ran past her and tracked oily kitty paw prints in her store, up the stairs and into her bedroom where she would undoubtedly would lay her paws on everything in the room before hiding between her bed sheets.
Many of the pots and pans had been knocked off the counters beside the many, many fragments of what remained of Rarity’s fine china. Paw prints covered everything, even Woebegone, who had scratch on his cheek with a single trickle of blood, but that didn’t seem to bother him one bit as he nervously danced around her kitchen. The roof was black with smoke from a fire on the stove, fueled by a toppled bottle of oil.
“My kitchen!”
“On it!” she heard a trio of voices behind her before the fillies ran in front of her.
“No!” Rarity magically snatched the three by their tales. “You’re not going anywhere but--”
She was interrupted by Woebegone, who grabbed her by the fur around her neck and shook her, freeing the three from her magical grasp. “Fire extinguisher! Do you have a fire extinguisher!?”
She shoved Woebegone off of her and he fell back on the kitchen table, which buckled under his weight and catapulted the bag of flour into her face. She wiped her eyes but couldn’t remove the blinding powder. She tried to reach out for a rag but couldn’t find one. She jumped back out into the shop and rubbed her face against the carpet, leaving behind a smear of flour, makeup, and fake lashes.
“Sweetie Belle, hold it still. Apple Bloom, give me a boost!” said Scootaloo over the chaos behind her.
Rarity turned back toward the kitchen and saw Scootaloo jumping off of Apple Bloom’s back and onto Woebegone’s cloud, held in place by Sweetie’s magic. She buzzed her wings and centered the cloud directly over the fire. Then she reared up her front hooves.
“NO!”
Scootaloo slammed the cloud, unleashing a torrent of rain that splashed against the fire. Flaming oil spilled over everything around the stove, turning a quarter of the kitchen into an inferno.
“Uh-oh,” said the three girls.
“Out! Everypony out, now!” screamed Rarity as she scooped up the fillies and threw them outside. She turned around to go back inside to deal with the fire, but Woebegone had stolen her fire extinguisher in his shaky hands, which he found by emptying the cupboards and her refrigerator, leaving all their contents smashed, shattered, and splattered against the floor. He fumbled about with the device. She lashed out and ripped the fire extinguisher from his shaky hands, but his finger got caught and a jet stream of foam blasted her in the face and knocked her on her tush. Woebegone loudly muttered an apology as he went back to fighting the fire. She spat out the disgusting foam that got in her mouth before shaking off the rest. When she could finally see again, a quarter of her kitchen was black and smoking.
Then a familiar, angelic voice with a rustic twang came from behind her, “Rarity! Y’all okay? I saw the smoke and-- Woebegone! Where in blazes have you been? Come on, we’ve gotta go! Everypony’s got manure on their hooves, and they think it’s yours. We’ve gotta get!” Applejack jerked Woebegone onto her back and then rushed out the burnt kitchen without even giving her so much as a comforting hug.
Applejack had launched herself headfirst into cow stampedes without the slightest bit of hesitance. How she’d describe the experience was “an exhilarating rush;” but now she was absolutely terrified. She wasn’t the one in danger, and she knew if she slipped up, she couldn’t walk away battered and bruised with her pride holding her together. The fate of the innocent Woebegone would hang on her conscience forever. As she sprinted past the mob into the eerily empty streets of Ponyville, she heard doors and windows slamming shut, locks and tumblers clicking into place, and her rough hooves clopping and scratching against the dirt road. She shot past Sugarcube Corner and veered hard off of Baker’s street onto Royal Way - a straight line to Twilight’s castle. That’s when she saw the smoke. Her heart stopped as her focus was torn in two. She couldn’t stop. She willed herself to turn toward Carousel Boutique and around the back from where the smoke seeped to find Rarity in a harried, tangled mess and a profusely apologizing Woebegone. She could not be bothered with Rarity’s situation and without pause snatched up the apologizer and leapt over her sister and her friends back into the bare streets. She’d let Rarity chew her ears off later.
Woebegone struggled to hold on. He bumped and fuddled about as she ran a straight line towards Twilight’s tilted castle. She focused hard on her destination; safety was well within her sight. The tips of the castle spires shimmered in the noon sun and blinded her. Their brilliance blinded her, and she squinted to restore her sight. Two blocks down was a single naked stallion. “There he is. Get him!” he shouted. Ponies of all shapes, sizes, and shades of pink came pouring out from around every corner, waving about lit torches, makeshift clubs, and pitchforks as they pursued her. She dashed into the nearest alley.
“You there, halt!” cried a voice above her as she turned into another street. Shadows of pegasi flying above swam below her like sharks, closing in to swoop down and snatch up their prey. She slipped to the side to see a blur of purple and white whip by her and she dove back into the shady alley. Furious naked ponies blocked the far exit and charged her while flailing frying pans and rolling pins. Woebegone shrieked in terror and pulled on her mane. She skidded hard and turned around to retreat, but more came rushing in from behind, all of them howling for vengeance.
Applejack looked around desperately as the crowds closed in. In their fervour, they had unwittingly wedged themselves in the narrow passage and brought their assault to a halt, giving her only a momentary reprieve. Her heart was pumping in her ears while she looked desperately about for an exit before the attackers wiggled themselves loose and lunged at her. To her great relief, she spotted a perilous path that would save her, but at a great risk. She whispered a prayer to Celestia that she’d make it. “Hold on!” Applejack shouted to her passenger, then charged the mob. The frontmost ponies in the crowd fell back in alarm and blocked the rest from flooding in. She jumped up against a wall and kicked off with all her might to the opposite end of the alley, then off the that wall, and with the third bound, she was up on the rooftop. Relief rushed through her and the urge to rest came, but the rodeo wasn’t over yet, so she pushed on, running without any idea which way she was headed. Thatched hay kicked up by her hooves fell off the wooden framing of the roof and tumbled to the ground in tufts - a trail for the mob to follow.
“She’s on the roof!” screamed a mare from the ground.
“Halt this instant!” commanded a stallion in the sky.
But Applejack was deaf to it all except for the constant coaxing she repeated to herself in her head. Got to keep running. Got to get to Twilight. Got to keep running. Jumping from rooftop to rooftop while focused mostly on her footing, she stayed sharp for any sign of where she was and where she was going. Suddenly she spied Sugarcube Corner. She was heading the wrong way.
“This is your last warning!” A pegasus dropped out of the sky to snatch her, but his hooves only brushed through her tail as she jumped to the side and slid down the hay roof. Woebegone’s fingers lost grip of her mane, and he fell off her and tumbled down alongside her. Applejack landed on her hindquarters with a solid thud and fell on her back. Above, Woebegone was dangling over the edge of the roof. The sky behind him was a menacing shade of dark grey. In the back of her mind, she just wanted to sit there, recuperate. Take a breather and think things out. She wanted to stop. But she couldn’t. She willed herself to her hooves. A loud aluminum clang rang in the alley, and Applejack turned to see Woebegone lodged upside down in a garbage pail, kicking violently to no effect. His muffled blubbering reverberated within his metal chamber. She grabbed one of his long feet and pulled, but he kicked her sharply on the snout. “Stay still!” she yelled before knocking the tin over and giving him another pull. He popped free, and she threw him carelessly over her withers and took off in the direction that had fewer angry voices. When she came out of the alley between the two houses, something metallic smashed into her front legs, and she skidded on the gravel. She scrambled to get herself back up, but an invisible force pulled her legs away from her body and stretched her out like a rug. She looked up from under her hat and saw the dented lyre and a small contingent of the mob had surrounded her. One unicorn with golden eyes looked down at her under her glowing horn.
“Lyra!”
“Applejack, why are you protecting him? He’s the bad guy!”
“You’re making a mistake!”
“No, you are. Don’t let her get away.”
Several unicorns with glowing horns held her down as the mob swarmed in from every corner and alley, cutting off any route for escape for the two of them. The burning smell of torches filled her nostrils. The wind that blew through her mane grew stronger as the mob grew bigger, the townsfolk spitting with rage. She felt moisture splatter on the back of her neck. She looked up above the crowd, expecting to see muzzles frothing with rage, but instead, high in the sky, a huge storm cloud had loomed over the entire block and everypony around it. Lighting flashed in the sky, and rain poured down in buckets. Her mind was racing for a solution. An out. What could she say to convince them to stop? Visions of what would happen to Woebegone if she didn’t horrified her, and already, just the thought of the guilt and shame from failing to save somepony tore her heart to shreds.
A pony pointed to the sky and cried, “Look! He’s summoned a storm to rain on us and give us all colds. We’ll be sick for days!”
“Oh no, he won’t. Let’s get him!”
“Yeah! Let’s give him noogies!”
“And bison rubs!”
“And purple nurples!”
The mob closed in on Woebegone, curled up into a whimpering ball while apologizing over and over again. Applejack opened her mouth to utter one last plea, but something crashed from the sky like lighting in the middle of the mob. A royal pegasus guard threw himself into the den of lions. His tail and feathers whipped madly in the growing wind. “By order of the royal guard, you are all under arrest!”
The mob went still.
“Arrested?” said one pony.
“What!? I’ve never been arrested my entire life!” cried another.
“A criminal record and a cold!? What bad luck!” cried the mob.
The wind blew off Applejack’s hat. She tried to grab at it instinctively, but her legs were being held down, and she could only watch as her hat blew away into the forest of pony legs around her. But then a glint of gold in the corner in her eye caught her attention. She turned her head and saw that Lyra’s lyre was lying on the ground, just within her reach. She thrust forward off her stomach and bit down hard on the metallic instrument. With a twist of her neck, she flung the metal instrument as hard as she could at the one of the distracted unicorns holding her down. The projectile clanked on the boney horn, and the stallion screamed in pain. The magic holding one of her front hooves vanished. Applejack focused all her strength in her free leg, and threw herself off the ground and onto the next unicorn beside her, giving her horn a hard smack; she went down with a shrill cry. Two more legs were freed, and she bucked at the last unicorn behind her. The hoof only nicked the stallion’s shoulder, but the threat of a broken snout was enough to make him bolt.
Freed, she charged forth, knocking the screeching Lyra aside, and snatched Woebegone by the scruff of his jacket and threw him over her back. Naked ponies from all sides rushed in, but Applejack’s legs, revitalized with renewed hope in her mission, pushed against the muddy ground and soared over the mob and toward safety. She landed hard at full sprint, dashing left and right to avoid everypony that got in her way. Each obstacle she overcame eased the weight on her spirit and further strengthened her resolve.
In all the madness around her, she couldn’t stop to find her bearings. The storm overhead rumbled loudly, tearing the town to shreds as it turned into a terrible typhoon. The nonstop, disorienting screaming of the angry mob and shouting guards were hushed by the whipping winds. She didn’t know in what direction she was going until she found herself at the front of Town Hall, and all around her the mob was packing around her tightly, while more guards appeared from the sky and alleys, adding more excitement and urgency in the mob’s frantic hunt. With no other option available, she kicked open the front doors of the town hall and slammed them shut behind her and threw the latch, locking the door to the rioting nude. Almost immediately, the door began to bend and buckle under the weight of the ponies trying to get in.
Woebegone threw his arms around Applejack’s neck and kissed her on the cheek. “Oh, you saved me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
She gently pushed him away and gave him a tired but proud smile. “We ain’t out of the woods yet, Sugarcube.”
A third voice shrilled out from behind both of them, frightening them both. “I say, what is going on here!? Not only have the pegasi started an unscheduled storm, but now all this commotion at my front door. Please explain yourselves.”
The two turned and saw Mayor Mare marching out from her office door.
Applejack rushed over her. “Mayor! Finally, a pony of some sense!”
“Applejack? Explain to me what is all that racket about.”
“There’s a full-blown riot out there, ma’am! Ponies out there are spittin’ mad. You need to talk some sense into them.”
The mayor looked over at the locked door and the angry faces looking in at them. The many fleshy-pink faces pressed against the windows, furiously screaming at them through the glass. One more noticeably angry individual was too angry to show his face, so he presented his butt.
“You expect me to talk sense to them? What in Celestia’s name has got them so worked up?”
Woebegone took off his hat and held it to his chest while weakly waving. “Hi. They’re angry because I’m my bad luck.”
The single-sentence summary took less time to deliver than process. When the mayor finally understood what was said, she laughed but quickly suppressed it. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude, but everypony is worked up into a tizzy because of bad luck?” She held up a hoof to keep back her chuckles. “Oh, I’ve had to deal with fallout from monster attacks, Twilight’s manic episodes, and bunny stampedes, but bad luck?”
“So you’ll calm them down?”
The mayor nodded. “I certainly shall! Now let’s restore some order!” A brick crashed through one of the windows and clunked the mayor on the head, knocking her unconscious.
Applejack felt her innards twist as if jabbed with a knife. “Oh, horse feathers!” She tugged Woebegone with her out of the lobby and into the Mayor’s office as the front door began to splinter. She only had enough time to close the office door before behind them the front doors gave and the building was flooded with the rioters.
“Oh no! The mayor has been hit on the head on a brick!” cried one.
“What bad luck!” replied the mob.
“Fan out! Find the cursed one!” Lyra’s voice sent shivers down Applejack’s spine, and she fastened the lock on the door. The click was followed by an unbearable silence.
“They’re in there!” called out somepony, and the door bent and cracked under the sudden battering. Applejack cursed under her breath and whipped around, frantically looking for a way out. Several windows at the other end of the office were just big enough for her and Woebegone to squeeze through.
“Through there!” she commanded, and Woebegone rushed over to one window. He opened it up and got a leg up on the windowsill before he let out a blood-curdling scream and an outside force pulled him forward. The shock ran through Applejack’s legs and sapped her of her strength. She had to will herself to stand as Woebegone anchored himself to the walls with his big feet. She grabbed him by the jacket and with a single tug jerked Woebegone back into the office. Hooves reached in after him and snaked around her mane and neck before tugging her out instead. She cursed and kicked and spat at the attackers. “Let go of me! Let go of me, consarnit! You don’t know what you’re doing!” Tears of frustration welled up in her eyes and her throat grew sore, but no matter how hard she yelled, she couldn’t get them to listen.
Then one of them cried out in pain. A stapler flew out from the window and whacked a pony in the eye. He let go of Applejack and tumbled back into the mob. A mug full of hot tea cracked against the skull of another rioter and splattered its contents on the faces of all around her, and they all fell back and wailed. More and more projectiles came flying from behind Applejack, and the holds on her weakened. She pulled again and successfully escaped.
Free of the hooves holding her down, she looked back and saw her savior, heavy at work lobbing anything and everything that was in the Mayor’s office out the window. He cursed and apologized before and after each throw. His little sunken eyes were alight with an angry determination that seemed unusual for his character. When he saw that she was free, he lowered his hand holding an encyclopedia and ran up to her. “I’m so sorry for letting this happen to you! I didn’t mean for my cursed bad luck to put in so much danger. I…”
Whatever he was going to say next he forgot when she took him in for a big hug. “You silly lug! You saved me! That has nothing to do with luck. I’ve told you from the beginning that I don’t believe in your curse, and when we get out of here, I’m going to prove it to you.” She continued to hold him against his chest and enjoy the short reprieve and let herself forget the riot, if only for a moment.
A unicorn wielding a torch stuck his head in through the window. “Bwaha! I got you!” Woebegone threw the book at him. “Gah! He got me!” The unicorn dropped the torch and fell back outside. The curtains instantly caught flame, and the fire spread to the nearby furniture.
“Just my luck,” said Woebegone.
A mean streak of ingenuity hit Applejack as she discovered a way out. She knocked the curtain rod off its rack and picked up the makeshift torch. “Stay close!” she commanded, then kicked open the bolt holding the office door shut, letting in the ponies on the other side. Their faces turned white as bone as soon as they came face to face with Applejack swinging about a three-foot pole of flames wildly in their direction. They fell back onto each other and retreated into the lobby, screaming to all behind them, “Back! Get back!”
With some careful poking and prodding, Applejack was able to make headway into the crowded room. Nopony wanted to call her bluff. While she was able to hold them back with her new weapon, she was terrified of having to use it. Woebegone kept close as they inched closer to the open front door. She would make her escape in the chaos outside where more rioters clashed with royal guards. All those in her way eventually stood aside, except for one unicorn with angry, golden eyes.
“I won’t let you get away,” said Lyra. “Not after what you’ve done to me. To us!”
“Back off, Lyra,” growled Applejack.
“Who are you? What did I do to you?” said Woebegone.
“You know darn well, this lousy smell, and this close cut, you fried my butt! And the worst part, you little tart, you trashed my art--” she held up a bent piece of gold-colored metal “--and broke my harp!”
Applejack huffed. “You threw that at me, you ninny! You can’t possibly blame him for something that you did.”
The logic smacked her in the face like a runaway cart, but it only infuriated her further. She reached out with her magic and ripped away the Applejack’s torch, leaving her defenseless and surrounded. The mob fell on them like hungry timberwolves. Applejack couldn’t even cry out “Run!” before they were upon her. Hooves and magic latched onto her and painfully twisted her until she couldn’t struggle. Her sight was stripped from her when somepony tossed a tarp around her head, and she couldn’t make out any of the madness that was going on around her. She kicked and struggled as much as she could, but to no avail. Trapped in the belly of the beast, Applejack cried for help that may never come. She cried into her makeshift blindfold. She had failed.
“Enough!” commanded a thunderous voice, and the world went silent. Unmoving.
The rain outside continued to patter outside while a single set of hooves clipped-clopped on the hard-wooden floor toward Applejack. The blindfold was gently removed from her face, and Applejack saw Twilight Sparkle looking down on her. Her horn glowed brightly with highly-concentrated magic. Applejack looked around and saw that everypony around them was being held still by Twilight’s magic, as they were only moments ago. She let out a long breath and let herself melt into the ground. She could finally relax. “Oh, Twilight, you have no idea how glad I am to see you.”
“And I you, Applejack,” Twilight replied in kind. “I heard you were looking for me.”
“Howd’ya figure?”
Twilight gestured behind her, and Applejack saw Fluttershy and another hairless earth-pony mare. “They told me.”
“Bonnie! My best friend was cursed and betrayed me! What bad luck!” cried Lyra.
“Hush!” shouted Twilight in Lyra’s direction. “You all owe me a big explanation.” That’s when Twilight noticed Woebegone walk up to her with his hat in his hands.
“Hi, I’m Woebegone. I’m sorry for causing you such trouble.”
Chapter 8 - The Cloud, the Curse, and the Courtroom
Right after Twilight saved Applejack’s behind from a mob armed with pitchforks, torches, and frying pans, she immediately set about taming the chaos around her - the fire in the building was put out and the storm outside was torn down by pegasi. Even Woebegone’s little thundercloud that had seemingly gone missing, too, had returned to its original roost. He sat timidly on a stool in the far corner of the tattered town hall at the request of the many persnickety ponies, far from the Princess and everypony else, where he continued to stare at his toes and twiddle his thumbs while waiting for an undeserved punishment he believed he deserved. Two statuesque guards stationed next to him kept a wary eye on the suspect, while all the others had been issued to corral all of the troublemakers. But to Applejack’s dismay, not everything Twilight did was magic.
Her stomach churned as Twilight’s words twisted the dagger in her gut. “Applejack, we’re putting Woebegone up for trial.”
“Twilight, you can’t actually be considering punishing him? He’s done nothing wrong! He never meant to harm anypony!”
The look Twilight gave in return was cold and distant. “I don’t want to hurt anypony either, but you’ve seen the damage that has been done. Ponies have been hurt, regardless of intention, and if he is the cause of this, then measures must be taken.” She sighed and turned away. “I have a duty to uphold.”
Of all the nerve. The voice in the back of her head was screaming. After all the help Applejack had given her, after all they’ve been through together, Twilight would even consider going against her. She grabbed her hat and threw it to the ground. Somepony’s hoof touched her shoulder and she pulled away with a huff.
Her eyes were burning.
Her mouth was twisted.
Her cheeks hurt.
She picked up her hat and put it over her face in shame. She was glad Twilight was looking the other way. The hoof from before tenderly touched her, and this time she didn’t flinch. Instead, she let it guide her back to her seat and she sat down.
“I know it’s tough,” said Fluttershy. Applejack lifted her hat up and saw her hoof on her shoulder. “But if you’re absolutely right about Woebegone, then you can show Twilight and everypony else as well.”
But I shouldn’t have to! This is so stupid, thought Applejack. She took a deep breath and held it in for as long as she could before exhaling and letting her stiff shoulders slump.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Twilight was supposed to stop everything. With her royal authority, she should have been able to stop this whole mess, not drag it out with court proceedings and give the bloodthirsty mob, completely wrong and blinded by anger, a choice in the matter. She’d thought Twilight had her back all the way. She’d disperse the mob and tell Lyra to take a hike. Now she wasn’t so sure any more.
Pressure pushed her down against the wooden floor. Fluttershy had reached up and started massaging her shoulders. Applejack slackened further and took another deep breath.
But what would happen then? It’s not like the ponies would forgive and forget if Twilight just called this thing off. That could have just made them angrier. Perhaps Twilight was right in holding a court hearing for Woebegone. That’d be a chance for her to show the whole town how incredibly dumb they were being. They’d get their say in, she’d show them they’re wrong, then Twilight gets to protect her friend while playing the princess card smartly.
Applejack leaned back into Fluttershy’s massage.
By command of Princess Twilight, town hall was converted into a makeshift courtroom. She drew a hard line down the center of the hall and divided the ponies accordingly by how they felt about the little green man in the corner. In fold-out chairs, Applejack sat next to Fluttershy, who was still wearing her straw sunhat; Pinkie Pie, who was still holding a bag of frozen peas against a large bump on her head; a naked mare who introduced herself as the confectionist Bonbon; and Berry Punch, who was only recognizable because of the fur still on her face. On the other side of the hall was the rest of Ponyville with Lyra at the forefront. She glowered toward Applejack’s half of the courtroom with a hint of hurt under her wrinkled, bare-skinned face. She didn’t immediately snap to attention when Twilight pounded her gavel.
Front and center at a makeshift podium that was actually a fold-out picnic table, Princess Twilight looked over everypony with an irritated scowl. She gestured to Woebegone with a hoof, and he picked up his stool and waddled closer to her, stopping a few wingspans away from Twilight. He weakly asked “Is this close enough?” and Twilight nodded. He sat down where he was.
“Alright, I trust now that some modicum of order has been restored, we can determine the cause of this madness,” said Princess Twilight with audible frustration, “and what action we should take.”
“Throw the bum out!” yelled a pony in the middle of mob.
“Throw him out! Throw him out!” they chanted.
Twilight banged the gavel. “Order! No one will speak out of turn. Now, I’ve heard a lot about our recent visitor, and I’m going to get the facts straight.”
Accusations flew in from the crowded side of the room. With each accusation that was pelted, Woebegone sank deeper into his chair and his cloud grew.
“He got poop on my produce!” “He torched my tuckus!” “He bombed my brain!”
“Quiet!” The royal voice boomed off the walls and into everypony’s eardrums. Even Applejack flinched. Woebegone fell out of his chair like he was shot with a cannon. It took a second, but Twilight focused on her breathing and brought her temper to room temperature. “There are two sides to this story. So each will have a representative to speak.” The mob muttered amongst themselves for a moment before Lyra stepped forward.
Applejack turned to the ponies sitting next to her, and all of them looked in return.
“You’ve defended him so far,” said Fluttershy while adjusting her sunhat.
“Ooooh, I’d love to, but I’ve got a doozy of a bruisy on my head, but I can cheer from here, so never fear, I’m at your rear.” Pinkie raised the bag of peas she held against her head and gave it a few puny pumps like a pompom before returning it to the pink bump on her head. “Actually, I’m just going to sit here quietly. But you’ve got my support anyway.” Bonbon stepped forward and gave Applejack a confident nudge. “You know more about the situation than I do. I’ve still got your back.” She leaned closer to her ear while looking over her shoulder. Applejack turned her head slightly and followed her eyes to the other side of the room. “And just so you know - when Lyra gets really worked up like this, it’ll probably be best to let her tire herself out first. She’s got a nasty habit of butting heads.”
“I doubt she has a head as hard as mine,” said Applejack without the slightest bit of humor.
Bonbon responded with an uneasy groan.
Berry didn’t mutter anything and kept her eyes on her hooves in front of her while she sucked on her lips.
With no other objections, she stepped towards the podium. “Twilight, I’ll stand up for the fellah.”
“Objection!” yelled Lyra. “The defending representative is clearly a friend of the Princess and will undoubtedly use her influence as such to change the outcome in her favor!”
She came out swinging. “You idjit! Do you see how few of us are over there? If I don’t represent him, who will?” Twilight stared at Lyra, quite frankly impressed by the sharp edge of her opening assault, and Applejack felt surprisingly vulnerable. Twilight’s response shook her immensely. “She has a point, Applejack.”
“But, but, I--”
“Princess Twilight,” said Bonbon calmly, “Applejack is an upstanding citizen of Ponyville, renowned and respected by all for her honesty and infallible integrity. Her character is so great that she was even chosen by forces beyond ponies to be the representation of honesty and wear its element around her neck. It would be heresy to even consider that she’d abuse her relationship for unhonest gain and still stand as the Bearer of the Element of Honesty.
“On top of her character is her standing in town. Almost everypony here in this room is a good friend or acquaintance to Applejack or one of her numerous kin in some way. The Apple Family tree has its roots deeply entangled with all of us in Ponyville and would therefore have the best interest to see that this outsider is judged thoroughly, as any harm brought by him to Ponyville would be harm to the Apples.
“She has used her position for nothing but good, using her element to help save Equestria a dozen times over. Even before she was given her title as an Element Bearer, she helped the town on numerous occasions. How many times has Applejack saved the town from a stampede? How many monsters has she chased back into the Everfree Forest? All on her own, I may add?
“Applejack is, therefore, the best representative for this case, as she has proven time and again to be a mare of admirable character and has just as much on the line as much as we all do, if not more.” Everypony in the room looked on dumbfounded. Twilight tapped the gavel in the silent room. “Uhm, okay. Objection overruled.”
Lyra whined and kicked her hooves against the ground while Applejack slipped back to Bonbon’s side. “What the heck was that? You’ve got a serpent tongue of pure silver! You’re more the lawyer type than I am. Why don’t you go up?” Bonbon lifted a hoof to hide a smirk and whispered back, “Sure, I may have the words, but I don’t have the brand recognition as you do. You’re an Apple. You bear an Element of Harmony. You’re a hero. You’re Applejack. Trust me, they’ll listen to Ponyville’s number-one cowgirl rather than some naked mare. Like I said, I’ve got your back.”
“If you say so,” muttered Applejack as she turned back to the court. Twilight cleared her throat and the room went silent. She summoned up a notepad and quill and scribbled down a bunch of notes. The quill scratched loudly against the paper. “Now that we have things settled, will the prosecution please proceed?”
Lyra huddled up with the mob behind her and then turned back to the Princess with a big smile. “Your Highness,” she said with conviction, “we have many claims against the defendant, but our first case has to do with something that affects you personally. The cursed one came to our fair town early this morning. Plenty of us saw him during the morning rush. I saw him myself in the market buy apples from Applejack.” Those last few words were dripping with disdain. “It was about that time your castle began to teeter. The ground beneath it crumbled! He brought his curse to Ponyville and struck at its heart. He wanted to take you away from us. Our princess! We should all be very concerned, for your safety as well as our own. The cursed one must be dealt with!” Lyra threw an accusing hoof at Woebegone. “We must throw him out!” Woebegone flinched as if the accusations thrown at him were rocks.
“Now, wait just a minute!” said Applejack. “Woebegone couldn’t have done such a thing. That castle is huge. And look at how puny he is. He’s got sticks for arms.”
“I… um… hmmm…” Woebegone raised a hand to defend himself and his physique, but realized it was better to just agree with her point. “And I’ve also never been to the castle, either.” Lyra huffed. “Scrawny or not, he still used his curse... magic... to sink the castle.” The crowd beside her all nodded in approval.
“I must interject,” said Twilight, shocking everyone in the hall, “but Woebegone is not responsible for my castle’s faulty foundation issue.” She held up a piece of paper for all to see. “I’ve had it inspected, and it seems that my castle was built--well--it manifested itself on top of a lot of loose soil. It seems that despite being a magical castle, it didn’t know much about preparing proper foundation. So the ground underneath eventually gave way.” Everypony stared in silence until somepony blurted out, “Huh, for such as smart pony like Twilight, she’s got a dumb castle.”
Laughter erupted throughout the mob but was quickly silenced by Twilight’s angry bashing of her gavel. “Please continue, Lyra,” she said with poorly-hidden irritation.
“Princess, while it may seem that your capsizing castle was just a coincidence, I assure you that it was bad luck caused by him. He’s cursed with bad luck. He’s cursed us with bad luck.” Lyra leaned in closer and hissed, “He’s cursed your friends with bad luck. And I shall prove it to you! I call to the stand Fluttershy!” The crowd murmured loudly as Fluttershy uneasily walked up to Twilight. There was no stand or even seat to speak of, so she just sat next to Twilight. “Is here fine?”
“Dear Fluttershy,” said Lyra, “how are you today?”
“Oh, I’m fine, thank you.”
Lyra sighed. “Let’s cut the manure, Fluttershy. No need to be polite. You certainly are not fine. Do you know why?” Fluttershy swallowed and leaned away from the questioning mare. “Oh, I mean… it’s not bad… Other than this trial and all, it’s been a good day.”
“Come on, stop avoiding the point. What has the cursed one done to you?”
Fluttershy shook her head. “Woebegone’s done nothing to me. I don’t know what you’re insinuating. He’s a nice gentlestallion-- er-- guy. He helped me feed my animals, then I walked him into town, and that’s all.”
“Hey, yeah, what is he anyway?” said a pony in the crowd. Others chimed in.
“He looks like a shaved diamond dog. Only uglier.”
“I thought he was a leprechaun.”
“No, he’s a pygmy ogre.”
Woebegone lifted a finger and weakly pronounced, “I’m a trow.”
“Oh, is that what he is? I’ve been calling him a hobo this whole time.”
“What’s a trow?”
“Isn’t that, like, farming equipment?”
“No! It’s a type of magical, sentient bean!”
“A bean? He’s shaped more like a potato.”
Twilight banged her gavel. “Order! Order!”
Lyra rolled her eyes and, with a quick flick of her hoof, she slipped off Fluttershy’s sunhat, revealing the large fish bone obscenely projecting out of her forehead. A mare in the mob screamed, and a stallion fainted. Fear swept over the room, sending them all into a jittery mess. Even some guards who witnessed it lost their steely composure. Twilight dropped her gavel and yelped in shock. “Oh my goodness, Fluttershy, what happened to you!?” Fluttershy was suddenly made aware of her exposure and the overwhelming disgust in the room. She frantically flailed about for her hat, covered herself up, and turned away. Her eyes locked to the ground as she sobbed quietly. Applejack mentally prepared herself to kick in Lyra’s teeth.
Lyra pointed at Woebegone. “He did this. When he went to Fluttershy’s home, he made this happen. And then…” she pointed back over to Pinkie “...she hurt our beloved Pinkie Pie! Look at that bump. What could even cause such a huge bump like that?”
“It was a bathtub,” said Pinkie Pie, as if it was just a regular, non-leading question.
“A bathtub, mares and gentlecolts. The cursed one dropped a bathtub on her head. I overheard this at the hospital where Pinkie and Fluttershy were waiting treatment. Just like the rest of us. And what about Rainbow Dash? Why isn’t she here? They said she was at the hospital with them. Did any of you see her? You didn’t! And you want to know why? She was in the back -- for surgery. I shudder to even imagine what cruel fate she met with.” Lyra visibly winced in imaginary pain strong enough that even other ponies started rubbing their imaginary pains. “And each one of these mares met with Woebegone right before disaster struck. Just by passing by, he was able to destroy our sewer system in the Farmer’s Market and set fire to our hides on Main Street. It’s beyond a doubt that this thing is a menace to Ponyville and should be given the boot. For the our safety and that of our families, Princess Twilight Sparkle, we must kick him out!”
The mob roared in approval. “Kick him out! Kick him out!”
Twilight called for silence and banged her gavel to no effect. Visibly frustrated, she lit her horn and the next words out of her mouth roared like a train whistle. “ORDER!” The Canterlot voice flattened the mob. “I rest my case,” said Lyra with a bow before returning to the mob and a hero’s welcome. Applejack required every last bit of her self restraint to keep herself from bucking that snake to the moon. How dare she humiliate such a vulnerable pony for her gain. How wicked were the townsponies for buying into it? If anypony should be thrown out, it was them. A hoof rested upon her withers shook her out of her internal tirade. Pinkie Pie leaned in and whispered, “Hey, I think Fluttershy needs a hug.”
Her touch opened Applejack’s eyes to just how tense she was. Her jaw was so tight she could have crushed coal to diamonds. She let out all the frustration in a sigh and looked back up to Twilight, who was leaned over in Fluttershy’s direction, whispering assurances to her friend before turning back to Applejack.
“Applejack, it’s your turn to speak,” she said calmly.
The room was dreadfully silent as she walked up towards Fluttershy, who was still sitting at the side of Twilight’s makeshift podium. She swallowed and thought about what to say. She didn’t have the three-bit words like Bonbon or the fiery words to ignite emotional passion like Lyra. She was just an apple farmer. You could fit her entire vocabulary on two sides of a sheet of paper. She didn’t feel ready, like she was at a rodeo without a saddle. If she fell, there were no clowns to save her from the bull’s horns. The judgemental eyes of everypony were upon her, ready to tear her apart if she said one wrong thing. And then there was Woebegone’s, whose pitiful gaze was devoid of hope. Had his cursed bad luck really led all up to this and he knew what was coming?
In an effort to stall for time, she did what Pinkie suggested and gave Fluttershy a hug. No words between them. Just the physical contact of hooves rubbing on backs, scruffing up their fur. Fluttershy sank into her hug and leaned into her for support. When Applejack let go, she could feel the strength return to her friend, giving her the means to stand on her own. And she felt stronger, too.
No, she thought to herself. This had nothing to do with his curse. She never believed in such nonsense, and she wasn’t about to even consider giving this “curse” recognition. But what to say? She took a deep breath and said the first thing that came to mind. The obvious. “This ‘curse’ thing’s a bunch of hogwash.”
Nopony cheered or chanted ‘hogwash,’ so she moved on to the next thing.
“Fluttershy, please tell us why you have a bone stuck in your head.”
Fluttershy looked up from her hat. “Mr. Woebegone and I were feeding the animals together when Mr. Bear choked on a fish.”
The ponies behind Applejack whispered wildly to each other about bad luck, but she ignored them. “Then what happened?”
“Well, before I could even act, Woebegone was already on top of Mr. Bear and performed a life-saving maneuver that dislodged the bone from Mr. Bear’s throat. The bone was coughed up, and I just happened to be in the way when it was.”
“So, do you believe Woebegone’s cursed bad luck caused this?” Fluttershy emphatically shook her head and smiled wildly. “Why, no! Woebegone saved Mr. Bear. And he was so quick. And confident! Both Mr. Bear and I were very lucky he was there.” Twilight continued to scribble down notes while the crowd came alive with confusion. Fluttershy’s words may have shocked them, but nowhere near as much as they did Woebegone. His dull sunken eyes lit up. The cloud hovering above his head turned two shades of grey lighter.
This warm change affected Applejack, too, as she felt her doubts melt off her back. Almost weightless, she effortlessly and unconsciously raised her head slightly higher. “One more question, do you believe that Woebegone is cursed?” Fluttershy shook her head and answered with shared confidence, “No, I don’t believe he’s cursed, just that he’s too hard on himself.”
“Thank you, Fluttershy,” said Applejack with a nod, and Twilight excused her from stand.
The crowd could hardly contain themselves as Fluttershy returned to her seat. Applejack called for Pinkie, and when she did she took a quick look over at Lyra. Despite being nearly identical in fleshy-pink nakedness as every pony around her, she stood out like a rotten apple. Unlike every pony around her who was riddled with confusion and questions who talked with her neighbor, Lyra stared furiously ahead at Applejack with burning eyes heated by frustration and vexation. Applejack shook it off with a confident smile.
“Please tell us what happened, Pinkie.”
“Well, I left the water running in the tub and forgot about it. Then wouldn’t you know it? The bathroom fills up with water and collapses into the kitchen with me and Woebegone in it. The bathtub landed on my head.” Ponies in the crowd hissed in pain.
“So do you think Woebegone’s curse caused the bathtub to fall on you?”
“Pfft, no! I started running the bath before Woebegone even got there. He was just there when it happened. That was all me.”
Applejack seized those words. “You heard Pinkie Pie, everypony. Just because he was there doesn’t mean he caused anything to happen.”
Judging by what little bits she could gather from the tones of their muffled conversations and less-threatening demeanors, it seemed like logic was winning. This was going so well. Hope swelled in her heart. An innocent trow wouldn’t be punished. Maybe Twilight knew this was going to happen all along.
Then Lyra stood up. “That’s great and all, but what about us?”
“Uh, beg pardon?”
Lyra stood up on two hooves and gestured to her fur-less body. “What about the explosion on Main Street? The one that fried the fur off our flanks?”
Applejack opened her mouth to give an explanation, but when nothing came to her, she panicked. She had no idea what had happened on Main Street.
“I can explain,” said a pony from the far side of the room.
Everypony snapped around in disbelief to see that Berry Punch, recognizable by the fur remaining on her face, had stood up from her seat. She stared at the floor, visibly shaking. Applejack rushed over to her. “What in Celestia’s name are you talking about?”
Bonbon jumped in beside her and whispered, “Applejack, the explosion was caused by a reaction between magically enhanced alcohol and dragon peppers. Berry and I knew about this, and we’ve planned to share the blame.”
“Say what now?”
Berry Punch shook her head. “No.”
Bonbon reached to hold her friend, but Berry slapped it away. “But why, Berry? We discussed this together just moments ago! What has got you so worked up?”
“Because I lied.” Bonbon nudged the two away, leaving them both dumbfounded as Berry approached Twilight.
Applejack let her pass. “Say what now?”
Berry’s shoulders were tense and held tightly together. Her chest fluttered with short, sharp breaths. But Berry took a big deep breath, held it, and when she exhaled, all of her features laxed and she melted into a slump. She looked up at Twilight and spoke in slow, deliberate words. “Princess Twilight, I’ve really messed up. You questioned me earlier about the barrel I took through town, and I panicked. Inside was the result of a failed experiment. I wanted to make a drink that’d knock the hooves off everypony in town. But, instead I created a powder keg. Instead of thinking, I figured I’d schlep it over to you to help me properly dispose of it. Had I been thinking, I would have taken further precautions. Heck, I would have left it at home. I had no idea this would happen.” She sniffled and sucked in a long boogie. “Something fell into the barrel and ignited the contents. When you brought me in for questioning, the severity of what happened sank in and frightened me. I was afraid of what you’d do to me. Of what everypony else would do to me.” She dared to glance over at the mob. They stared back in confusion and anger. “But now I see that keeping up this half-truth will completely ruin this trow’s life. I can’t live with that on my conscience. So, for the love of Celestia, please don’t punish him for what I’ve done!”
“Oh, Berry,” whispered Bonbon.
Applejack looked around the room, and the pony mob seemed moved by Berry’s words. Her tears trickled into their hearts, and their anger eroded away. Lyra crossed her front legs over her legs tightly and huffed.
Woebegone had at some point removed his hat and fidgeted with it in his hands. His face couldn’t stay still. One moment he looked as though he was about to get a shot, and then a present. He found himself guilty of being innocent.
Up at the fold-out picnic table, Twilight looked at Berry. No anger burned in her eyes. No teeth bared. Everything about her was relaxed, except for the tiny little corners of her mouth just under her eyes. She looked down on Berry like a disappointed mother. “Thank you, Berry,” she said calmly. “If you are done, please take your seat.”
Berry flinched. “I-- I’m sorry?”
“Thank you, Berry. Please sit down,” Twilight said as she scratched down a few more notes.
She looked around in disbelief. “But, I’ve caused so much damage. I’ve done this!” she waved a hoof over at the naked mob and used her other to pull at her naked skin. “Aren’t you going to punish me? Throw my sorry hide in a cell?” Twilight looked up from her notes. “According to reports, no pony was seriously hurt. The worst damage was some broken windows and peeled paint jobs.” She smiled at Berry. “Ponyville has gone through much worse than that. Nothing irreplaceable was lost. Our manes and tails will grow back. If it will make you feel better, I plan to have you pay to fix all the windows.” Twilight put on a warm smile, reminiscent of the sun. “Will it?”
Berry fell down on her hindquarters. She spat and she sputtered, “Th-th-thank you, Your Highness,” and turned around to walk back to her seat, shaking even more than when she got up. But as soon as her butt hit the chair, she fell limp and a dopey smile spread across her face. Bonbon inched up close to her and offer her shoulder. Berry happily leaned against her and let out a loud sigh. And so did every pony else in the room.
Except for Lyra. She huffed.
Happy that whatever that was had finally blown over, Applejack turned back to the Twilight and the crowd. “So, there you have it. Woebegone ain’t cursed.”
Nopony interjected.
Except for Lyra. She huffed. “Oh, yeah? How do you think this whole curse business started in the first place? You should know, Applejack. When that trow came to your stand, you and him both talked about curses. I was right there and heard everything. You may not think he’s cursed, but he does. He even gave you bad luck, Applejack!”
“You’re really grasping at straws, ain’t you?”
“What about that apple that turned into an orange! He must have used magic to do that. How else would you explain that!?”
She had completely forgotten about that. “Uhhh…”
“What’s this about an apple turning into an orange?” said Twilight.
“When I first met Woebegone, he bought some apples from me. Some of them turned out to be bad despite looking very healthy on the outside. And when I cut into one, the inside was an orange.”
A mare started cackling wildly in the back of the mob. “Yes! Trixie has done it! I knew that I could change apples to oranges, just like I changed pots into teacups. I tried a few apples, but when I saw no change, I cut some open, and each one turned rotten on the inside, but Trixie must have forgotten to check some during practice. But I, Trrrrrixie, have done it!”
“You’ve been messing with my apples!?” Applejack yelled across the room. Everypony shirked away, clearing a path between her and the naked mare, who looked back like she just met eyes with an angry bull.
“Gotta run,” said the mare. A poof of magical dust filled the air around her, and when it settled, she had disappeared.
“Who was that?” asked a stallion in the crowd.
Lyra just sighed and slumped to the ground as her last support had been kicked out under her.
Twilight lightly knocked her gavel to grab everypony’s attention. “Getting back to the matter at hand, Lyra does have a point. We’ve heard from everypony but the defendant himself. Mr. Woebegone?”
The little guy looked up from the hat in his hands and to Twilight. “Yes, princess?”
“Will you please tell us who you are and why you are here?”
With a sudden start, his sunken eyes darted back and forth and between the Princess and the crowd. His back straightened. He kept his hat tightly clenched in his hands and held against his chest. “Oh, me? I’m nobody special. I just spend my days in exile. I have no home to go back to and no place to go, so I just wander. Wherever the wind goes is where I go, because whenever I try to go the other way, something gets blown into my face. There’s no real reason why I’m here, but I’m here all the same. I wasn’t planning to stay long or cause as much trouble as I have, and I am truly sorry for what I’ve done.”
“What kind of trouble have you caused, Woebegone?” said Twilight.
“Bad luck,” he replied.
The short answer took Twilight a long pause to process. “Bad luck? Is that it?”
Woebegone nodded. “Well, yes, it’s what happens wherever I go.”
“Hmmm,” said Twilight as she magically organized her note cards in front of her and dipped her quill in the ink. “Can you please tell us more about yourself and your ‘bad luck’?”
“Oh, I’m nothing special. I’m just your normal trow. Born in the hilly Trowlands near the Coltic Sea to the… um… I think it’s northeast of here. I came to Equestria by boat and landed in some port near Fillidelphia, and then I just kept walking until I ended up here.”
Twilight scribbled down notes. “That’s a very far way to go. Why did you leave your home? Why come here?”
“Well, I couldn’t stay in the Trowlands. I wasn’t welcome anymore. They kicked me out shortly after I was cursed by the witch.”
Every pony in the room flinched at the last word. Even Twilight stopped scribbling notes for a moment. “A witch?”
Woebegone nodded. “Oh yes, there was an old witch who lived outside of town in the woods. The other trow boys would pull pranks on her. Well, her and me. I didn’t have many friends when I was younger.
“I was never as surprised as I was the one day those same boys came to me holding a bucket of rotten fruits and vegetables, which I thought at first was meant for me, but then they asked me if I wanted to help them prank the witch! Me. How lucky, I thought to myself, that this moment came to me. I could finally become one of them. It felt as if it was a rite of passage. I took them up on the offer, and we went into the woods together.
“We found the witch just outside of her hut putting together a large brew in an enormous black cauldron. ‘That kettle is large enough to cook a trow!’ said one of the boys. Then they got real excited. They ditched the bucket, and we huddled together. We were going to push the witch into her brew when she wasn’t looking.
“We snuck in as close as we could, and when the witch turned her back, we all rushed out and knocked her in the bowl. There was a loud splash, and I was all wet, then I found out that I had fallen in with her.
“The boys had already made it halfway back into the woods when they noticed I wasn’t with them. They screamed and called for me to get out, but I couldn’t. I tried to climb out of the cauldron, but it was so slippery and big, and my hands were shaking because I was so scared. I began to cry. ‘Oh, just my luck!’ I said over and over again.
“I cried until I was finally able to pull myself out, but no sooner had I fallen out of the cauldron than I felt something hard and knobby grab me and pull me back. I turned around and screamed in horror. The witch had me. I thought I was going to die then and there, and I immediately started begging for my life. ‘It was an accident, it was just bad luck! Things like this always happen to me. Would it help any if I said I was really sorry?’
“‘Sorry!? You haven’t begun to be sorry,’ said the witch. She began to make weird gestures with her free hand, and the fingers glowed with an eerie magic. ‘You say bad luck follows you? Were you to be the clumsy lad you seem to think you are, the world would be a fearful place for all folks near and far. So arm yourself with charms of luck that ne’er will serve you well, for you’ve crumbled your own cookie and your future is in dispel! But when you have a change of mind and believe your deeds both good and true, your small black cloud would shrivel up and the sun will shine anew!’
“I broke free from the witch’s grasp and ran into the forest, but my friends were gone and I was all alone until I got home. It was during my trip home that I saw this cloud over my head. I couldn’t get rid of it for all that I tried, but it didn’t really seem to bother me that much. It was very small, and I hardly noticed it there. Besides, I thought that it was a bunch of hooey.
“By the time I got back to town, the other boys found me and rejoiced, calling me a hero for facing the witch and surviving her wrath. I tried to tell them about the curse, but they wouldn’t listen. It was so weird. I didn’t even feel like I deserved the praise, but I liked it. ‘I just got lucky,’ I told them, and they found it humorous. ‘Woebegone’s bad luck is no more!’ they cheered.
“But that lucky streak ended quickly after that. Bad things began to happen all over town, and whenever disaster struck, I was always nearby. Soon any goodwill the trows had dried up, and I was outcasted. Whenever a wheelbarrow broke, a fire started, or a tree fell on a house, the blame was quick to fall on me. I was labeled a ‘jinx.’ The same boys who called me their friend earlier began to sing songs about me. They had dances for them and everything. One of them went something like this:
‘Oh it’s bad luck to be you Disaster touches everything you do! You make black cats turn their tail, And cause trouble without fail. Oh, it’s bad luck to be you!
‘Woe is he named Woebegone! For we all wonder where his luck has gone. But one thing for sure, Our troubles have a cure - We’d be saved if he left at dawn!
‘Oh it’s bad luck to be you Disaster touches everything you do! Everyday we say our thanks That we’re not you, to be frank. Oh, it’s bad luck to be you!
‘Diddly-doo!’”
“Mean, but catchy,” said Pinkie Pie with a nod. Fluttershy nudged her and shook her head in disapproval. “What?” It’s true,” said Pinkie Pie.
“It was horrible!” continued Woebegone. “Then, one day, it began to rain. It rained and it rained. It rained so much the town was flooded. I was chased out of town. ‘Don’t come back again,’ they said. ‘We don’t want to see you no more.’ And they were right. Until now, all anyone’s wanted to see of me was my back as I left town.”
Woebegone sighed and shrugged. “And it’s been like that everywhere I go. And this is the worst it’s ever been. I’m truly sorry.”
The room was silent as he told his tale except for the rapid scratches of Twilight’s note taking and a few whispering sobs from the sympathetic ponies scattered around the room. There was a noticeable absence of hostility in the air, making it so much easier to breathe. The naked mob no longer stood stiff but had slackened into a slumpy slouch. Relief washed over Applejack as she sensed this shift. At last they’d be willing to listen to reason, but there was one pony still too stubborn to give in.
“Hey, now, everypony, don’t get so sappy! Don’t you remember what he said? He attacked a witch! You don’t go messing around with witches without paying the price.”
“Now hold on, there,” said Applejack. “We all make mistakes. Haven’t you ever done something you’ve regret?”
Lyra huffed, “I’ve never attacked a witch!”
“That may be true, but I remember some words you spat out in front of kids earlier this morning.”
The mob behind her mumbled as ponies recalled the incident and whispered what happened to each other. One stallion gasped. “Oh my Celestia, she said what!?”
Lyra went wide-eyed. “Hey, hey! Stop talking about that! That ain’t important! Hush up!”
“What, what did she say?” asked a mare. She leaned in to hear the stallion’s whispers. Her mouth fell open in shock. “Mare on the moon! What kind of mare says such horrid things?”
“Enough!” screamed Lyra as she stomped over to the mare in question. The crowd around her recoiled in fear. “Have you already forgotten!? Our fur, our homes, our bodies have been defiled by that trow and his curse!”
Applejack smirked with a delinquent delight. “The only cursing around here is coming your mouth.”
“What did you say, cowgirl!?”
“Lyra, that’s enough!” Twilight slammed her gavel.
“Yes, your highness,” said Lyra through clenched teeth..
Twilight laid down her gavel and turned to Woebegone. “Thank you for sharing your story, Woebegone.”
He nodded. “Oh no, thank you for listening.”
With his story done, Applejack turned to the crowd. She knew that if this was one of them detective or law flicks, this would be where she’d give her final statement. So she did. “Woebegone, everything that you’ve been blamed on is for something you couldn’t control. Lookit. No pony can… ahem, no trow can control the rain, right? You didn’t dig a big ol’ hole underneath Twilight’s castle. You didn’t drop anything on anypony’s head. Shucks, you didn’t set off a large explosion in the middle of town. You just happened to be there. And you let yourself believe that it was your fault, so much so that even we thought you were to blame, but we know better now! Pinkie left the water running. Berry had magic exploding beer. And Twilight’s magic castle can’t tell a good foundation from a hole in the ground.” Woebegone leaned back on his stool and scratched at his chin. His mouth slowly drooped open in thought. “I ‘believed’ I was bad luck?”
“So, you see, Woebegone? Even that wasn’t your fault. You’re just so focused on blaming yourself and your ‘bad luck’ that you can’t even tell what’s really going on. It’s just a coincidence. Just because you’re there doesn’t mean you’re the cause!”
“Coincidence doesn’t mean correlation,” said Twilight with a knowing nod.
The room was silent again for a few moments while Twilight’s words sank in. The gears in Woebegone’s noggin were working overtime.“So, I’m not causing bad things to happen?”
Hearing him finally realize what she knew all along felt like winning a rodeo. “Yes, sugarcube. You’ve just always been at the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“So, I didn’t hurt Fluttershy?”
“Nope.”
“Or Pinkie Pie?”
“You sure didn’t.”
“I did that myself,” said Pinkie Pie with a smile.
His eyes came to life. His long, droopy lips slowly lifted into a smile. He straightened his back and grew six inches taller. And his cloud overhead turned whiter and smaller with each passing second. “I’m not cursed?” he said in disbelief. He looked back up at Applejack with a big smile. “Could it really be true?”
“Attention, please,” said Twilight. “I have heard enough and have come to my conclusion.”
Everypony leaned in.
“Lyra’s case against Woebegone lacks substantial evidence of any intentional wrongdoing. And even unintentional. He is free to go, and most importantly: curse-free. Does anypony still disagree?”
All eyes fell back on Lyra, who was sitting back on her hindquarters and had her front legs crossed over her chest. She sighed, looked away, and mumbled something under her breath about exploding sewer pipes before stating loud enough for everypony to hear, “no.”
Ponies cheered, “There is no curse. There is no curse. We’re curse free!”
Woebegone jumped up and gave Applejack a hug. “I’m not cursed! I’m not cursed!”
His little cloud floated away from him and stopped at in the middle of the room, then expanded rapidly and exploded with a thunderous boom, revealing a long-limbed, vomit-green creature draped in rags and a crooked smile full of pointy teeth, and every pony in the room froze in fear as the creature called out, “I have come for you, Woebegone!”
Everypony jumped back with fear at the creature cackling in the middle of the town hall. It towered over everypony in the room like a vile totem pole. It hurt Applejack’s neck to look up high enough to see its face. Long red hair draped down and stuck to her like cobwebs, and from underneath the orange veil, two large yellow eyes glowed from underneath, right above hungry mouth filled with spider fangs. It held out a spindly arm and pointed a cragged finger in Woebegone’s direction. Her skin was bumpy and various shades of sickly green, but everything else was covered in night-blue rags. She cackled and called out in a voice that sounded like harsh desert winds, “I have come for you, Woebegone!”
The mob of ponies all devolved into a hysterical screaming mess and rushed to the front exit while the guards leapt from their posts and surrounded the creature and Applejack. Twilight jumped up on top of the fold-out table that was her podium and aimed her horn at the intruder. “Who are you? What do you want?”
The creature turned to meet Twilight and took a step forward. Panicked, Applejack rushed forward and tackled the creature in the back of her legs. She crumbled like a pile of sticks and landed right on top of Applejack. The guards jumped in and turned it into a full-on dog pile. The weight crushed Applejack into the hardwood floor, pinning her down and suffocating her. The monster on top of her kicked about with long twiggy limbs and violently shrilled at her attackers.
In the madness, one voice rang out louder than the others. Woebegone shouted louder than ever before, “Hold it! Hold it! Stop! Stop! I’m so sorry, but stop! Get off of her. Get off!”
“Negative,” said a guard on top the dog pile sternly. “She’s a threat that must be neutralized.”
“That’s no threat,” said Woebegone, “That’s the witch!”
Everypony stopped. “The witch?” said one of the guards.
Woebegone nodded. “Yes, that’s her.”
“Oh, okay then.”
The guards redoubled their efforts, grabbed her by the arms and legs and stretched the screaming and hissing witch on the ground like a trow-skin rug, with Applejack still trapped underneath. At least she could finally see from under the flaps of the witch’s loose rags as Woebegone pulling at his long hair and Twilight calculating her next call.
“No, no, no!” Woebegone turned to Twilight who was still standing on the table, grabbed her by the forehooves and shook her, shaking the focused expression from her face. “Princess! Tell them to stop this instant!”
She nodded and shouted, “Everypony stop!” A wave of magic erupted across the room, and Applejack felt a light fluttering sensation tingle in her belly and the suffocating pressure was lifted off of her. Both the witch and Applejack were lifted off the floor, surrounded by a purple glow, just high enough for her to stretch her legs before shortly being dropped onto their feet.
The witch was upright again, nailed in place by many paranoid, shifty eyes, but she seemingly didn’t care. She reached down with her long hands and dusted herself off while grumbling and grouching at everything and everypony around her. “Seriously, is this how you treat the elderly? No respect. Not a one of you. Woebegone’s the only one with some sense here, and that ain’t much. Hardly enough to make change for a nickel.”
Applejack, not wanting to be at the bottom of another dogpile, quickly skittered around the witch and next to Woebegone and Twilight. “Woebegone, is that the witch you said that put that ‘curse’ on you?”
“What is she doing here?” asked Twilight.
“You know, I’m right here, maybe you should try asking me that before tackling me to the floor again,” said the witch with a scowl.
“You were going for the princess!” said a guard.
“Princess? What princess? The purple one?” The witch leaned forward and carefully observed her from head to hoof. “She’s not even wearing a crown. What happened to the big white one? Aren’t you a bit small to be a princess? No, I didn’t come for your princess.” The witch pointed a long boney finger at Woebegone standing next to Twilight. “I came for him.”
Woebegone took off his hat, exposing his balding head, and held it against his chest and approached the witch, shivering slightly. “You came for me? Why?”
The witch threw back her head and laughed before slapping him on the back so hard he nearly fell over. “Woebegone, my boy, you’ve finally learned your lesson and broke the curse! To be honest, I doubted you for so long that… well, I doubted you a lot, let’s just say. You hopeless ninny! But you proved me wrong, and I tell you, when those words of yours came in through the cloud and into my ears, I just had to congratulate you.”
“Thank you?” said Woebegone while trying to maintain balance from the many forceful smacks on his back.
“Now hold on just an apple-bucking minute, here,” said Applejack. “You mean he was really cursed? But we just proved he wasn’t cursed by you!”
The witch stopped slapping around poor Woebegone and looked right at Applejack with a huge, cow-pie-eating grin. “You sure did, and you’re right. I never did curse him.”
Confusion spread through everypony who managed to stay and listen. Woebegone scratched his head, getting his fingers tangled in his long, thinning red hair. Twilight herself sank chin-first into her chest in deep thought.
“Say what now? You cursed him with that darn cloud!” said Applejack.
“That was cloud was no curse. That was something I used all the time with my patients called a ‘Cognitive Conditioning Cumulus.’”
“Patient?” said Applejack. “He ain’t your patient! He knocked you into a cauldron and you zapped him with magic. He’s a victim.”
The witch nodded and relaxed her pose, but still kept the grin. “True, true. Woebegone did hang out with a rather rude bunch of rascals and he did ruin a perfectly fine batch of pea soup. So I made a big display and stuck him with a harmless cloud that…”
“Harmless!?” A naked pony rushed over to Applejack’s side. Lyra’s golden eyes pierced like two spears, set to kill. “Have you been not paying attention? That was a bucking huge storm. The cloud over his head grew into a full-blown hurricane when we tried to kick him out of town. Your ‘harmless cloud’ almost blew away Ponyville!” The witch flinched at the stabbing accusations spat her way. She huffed. “You sure you didn’t just lose track of it? Trying to find a particular cloud in a storm is like looking for a candle on the sun.”
“What!?” spat Lyra. “No! You can’t weasel your way out of this. I demand an explanation then for that storm that got us so worked up, so unless somepony walks in here and tells us the reason behind the storm, I’m holding you accountable for everything.”
Just then a pegasus guard walked in the hall The young cadet saluted with a cheerful smile and proudly announced, “Princess Twilight, the errant typhoon has been taken care of and we found the cause! It seems a bunch of pegasus were transporting a flock of storm clouds from Cloudsdale but were caught unprepared by a sonic rainboom. The blast smooshed the clouds together to create a massive typhoon that broke loose over Ponyville. Had proper safety measures been taken to ensure spacing and padding between the storm clouds, the issue could have been avoided.” His smile faltered when he saw the state of the room - chairs knocked over all over the place, all of the guards surrounding a tall, evil-looking witch, and the many confused and irritant looks. The princess herself wasn’t even looking his direction, but fumbling through a bunch of notecards on a table. One unicorn mare in particular was red with anger. “Uh, bad time?”
Lyra screamed and chased him out the door. Berry shook her head with a sigh and went after her.
The witch huffed and put her fists to her hips. “Stupid.” She relaxed her posture and lifted up her pleading palms. “Look, now do you believe me?”
Perhaps it was just because Applejack finally had a few moments to study the witch, or it could have been a bump to the head during the earlier dog pile, but the witch seemed less “witchier” than at first glance. Softer. More down-to-earth. The deep-blue rags that draped off her twiggy figure had a faded quality that told of ages of constant use. In several places, careful mends had been made to maintain it. Her skin itself, while very green and covered in warts, was very clean, except for the tips of her fingers. Ink and earthy matter stained them and was collected under the nails. Her now relaxed face had pronounced crows’ feet by her eyes, and wrinkles ran all the way down the side of her mouth. Just like Granny Smith’s ‘smile’ lines. Even her words were like Granny’s - blunt.
Applejack took a step closer and stuck out a hoof in apology. “Hey, um, I’m sorry for headbutting y’all like that. You just teleported in like that, laughing all evil-like, and I wasn’t quite sure what was going to happen.” The witch reached out wrapped her bony fingers around her fetlock and shook it. “Eh, I had worse.” She turned around and glared at Woebegone. “You, come here.” she demanded. Woebegoene begrudgingly inched up closer to the witch. She snatched up in a big hug. She squeezed him hard and dropped him unceremoniously on the floor. “Okay, that’s enough touchy-feely stuff for one day.”
“Excuse me, Mrs. Witch?” Twilight approached with a card kept close by with magic. Her eyes had the cheerful gleam of some yet-discovered insight. “But, you wouldn’t happen to be a therapist, are you?” The witch smiled threw up her hands. “Yes! Oh, sweet and sensible -- yes. You’re the first in so long to recognize that.”
Everypony else in the room gasped in surprise.
“Say what now?” said Applejack.
Twilight held the card up with a proud smile. “You heard her earlier when she said ‘Cognitive Conditioning Cumulus’? As she said in the story: ‘But when you have a change of mind and believe your deeds both good and kind, your small black cloud would shrivel up and the sun will shine anew!’ That ‘curse’ is a cloud that punishes undesired habits with rain and thunder. Only by recognizing and dealing with the internal thought processes that causes the unwanted habits can the cloud be cleared. The fact that she referred to it by name is what really gave her true practice away.”
Twilight paused as if waiting for praise for connecting the dots.
Applejack scratched the back of her head. “So, wait. You’re saying the cloud is gone because he stopped thinking negatively?”
The witch sighed and rubbed the corners of her eyes. “No, you stupid pony. He realized that he had a nasty habit of blaming everything on himself, and that was the root of his issues. His self-pity fed the cloud.”
“Listen here, witch, I’ve got half a mind to knock you seven ways to--”
“Hey, if you’re a therapist, why are you called a witch?” interrupted Pinkie Pie. She pointed at the witch’s clothes with her free hoof that wasn’t holding a bag of semi-defrosted peas to the bump on her head. “Is it because you dress like one? Or was it because you turned somepony into a newt?”
“Pinkie! Manners!” scolded Twilight. “You don’t just tell somepony they look like a witch.”
The witch laughed heartily at Pinkie’s question. Or maybe it was Twilight’s sudden shock and scolding. “Using magic is a taboo among us trows. When I’m not working on my profession, I’m practicing the peculiar arts of potion-making and spell-casting. The other trows have ostracized me for it, but they always forget their prejudices when they want a professional ear.”
“Aw, those bunch of meanies,” said Pinkie. “I’m sorry that you’ve been ostrich-sized.”
The witch wiped away Pinkie’s pity with a smile. “Oh, don’t you worry none, little pink one. It doesn’t bother me at all. Besides, it’s not like there are any other therapists in the Trowlands to take away my business.”
“You mean, you were trying to help me?” interrupted Woebegone, “by showing me that I am not bad luck? I’m not… bad?” Slowly, as he was lost in thought, his eyes unfocused and his head tilted towards the ground. His mouth slightly agape. His lips started to tremble, and they pulled and stretched, almost unnaturally across his face. Under his skin, rusty dusty gears turned and churned for the first time, pulling a smile across his face. A bigger smile than Pinkie had ever had. He threw up his hands and cheered loudly. “Yippee! Yippee!”
He hopped and skipped and cartwheeled and somersaulted all around the hall.
“I’m not cursed! I’m not bad luck!”
He looped around the room and ran up to Applejack. His eyes were bright and exuberant underneath his matty disheveled hair, bringing warmth to his face. He wrapped his arms around Applejack’s neck and squeezed. “Oh, it’s all thanks to you, my friend! I couldn’t have done this without you!”
She wheezed and patted him gingerly on the back. “Nuttin’ to it, sugarcube.”
And when he wouldn’t let go, Applejack patted his back harder. And harder. But he wouldn’t let go.
“Um, Woebegone? You can let go now.”
“I can’t.”
“What do you mean?”
Applejack felt a few jerks on her mane.
“My fingers are tangled in your mane.” ---
After a little mane snipping, Woebegone and Applejack were finally separated. But Woebegone didn’t stop smiling. It grew on him more and more.
“Well, if I’m not cursed and that pesky cloud is gone, I guess I can finally go home!” said Woebegone as he went towards the open door of the hall. He looked outside towards the setting sun on the horizon and took in a breath of new air, as if it was his very first, and turned back to the ponies and witch still present. “You’ve all done so much for me. Is there any way I can thank you?”
Applejack shook her head. “Aw shucks, there’s no need for any of that.”
Woebegone took off his hat and bowed. “You ponies have helped me through the darkest time of my life. I’m so sorry that I have brought so much pain with me.”
“Now listen here, we’ve already been through this,” said Applejack with a smile. “You weren’t the cause of any of this. You have nothing to be sorry about. If anything, we should apologize for troubling you.”
“Oh, sorry,” said Woebegone, but after the words already passed his mouth, he covered his mouth and blushed.
The witch strode up to Woebegone and held out a hand. “So, shall I take us both back home?”
Woebegone reached to grabbed the witch’s hand, but pulled away before she could take his. “Actually,” he said with a pause and looked back out to the setting sun. “I quite enjoyed the journey here. Lots of nice scenery and plenty of time to be alone with my thoughts. They were mostly bad thoughts before, but now I’m feeling so much more positive! I want to have some time alone with these new feelings.” He shook his head and shook the witch’s hand. “Thank you so very much for the offer, but I’d like to take the long way home.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to go with her?” said Fluttershy. “The Trowlands seem very far away.” Woebegone answered with a shake of his head and smiled. “I’ve made it this far already with negativity clouding my path. With the help and guidance you’ve given me, taking this trail once more should be a breeze.”
The witch shrugged and said with a smirk, “Suit yourself.” With a wave of her hand, the wind wisped around her and kicked up a fog. “Safe travels,” said the witch, and when the fog fell, she was gone.
With a tip of his hat, Woebegone said, “Goodbye, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie,” and walked down Main Street, his back straight and his head as high as the setting sun. Applejack and everypony waved and called out goodbye as well.
“Well, that’s one situation taken care of,” said Twilight as she looked around at the few remaining ponies around her. Among them was the foreman who had fixed the castle’s foundation.
“Excuse me, your highness, but we never did discuss how you’d foot the bill.”
Twilight rolled her eyes with a sigh and nudged Applejack. “And now we’re stuck with the boring problems. Just my luck.”
“Heh,” said Applejack reflexively. Her mind was elsewhere, too bothered to be bothered by Twilight’s horrible attempts at humor.
Further down the road two naked mares stopped Woebegone in his tracks. One earth pony and one unicorn. Led by the upright earth pony, the slumped unicorn was encouraged to speak, but she dragged her hoofs and avoided eye contact. But the persistent earth pony, through tender touches and guiding gestures, was able to open up the unicorn before Woebegone. Words were said. First by the unicorn, then by Woebegone. Short sentences became longer ones and eye contact was made. Eventually, the earth pony cut into the conversation and offered a small bag of candies. Woebegone took the bag and placed it into his jacket pocket. He reached out and shook their hooves merrily and walked unobstructed out of Ponyville.
Applejack smiled and turned back into the city hall. She had other friends in need of help. ---
The room Derpy found herself in was relatively peaceful. Down the hall, she could hear the nurses gallop from one room to another, their hooves skidding on the sterile tiled floor and their voices echoing medical lingo of which she was unfamiliar. But it was distant and garbled enough that it faded into the background and didn’t interfere with her thoughts. She passed the time playing with the donut-shaped pillow she had received from the doctor after an impromptu medical procedure that required a little relaxation and a lot of lube.
She had only one other roommate. Actually, she had had one other roommate. But Rainbow Dash had quickly snuck out of the only window in the room as soon as the nurses and doctor left. She couldn’t look Derpy in the eyes as she threw open the window and blurted, “Gotta go.” A nice a lazy breeze blew in and kept the air mostly fresh, as the slight stink of smoke and burning drifted. Somepony must have left the stove on. When she closed her eyes, it was like she was in her own kitchen. With a long deep breath, Derpy forgot about the sterile room and her tender tuckus, and slipped peacefully into a nap.
Some time later, Derpy awoke to a strange, weightless pressure. She opened her eyes and saw another mare looking back at her with a large smile. She was too untidy to be a nurse. Or maybe they had become so over-worked that they no longer cared about their appearances. Her light blue-gray mane was all over the place, but it didn’t conceal her large, puppy-dog fuschia eyes nor her wide smile. Her tail fanned excitedly behind her.
“Why, hello there,” said Derpy as she let out a short yawn. “Oooh, guess I fell asleep. What time is it?”
“Arf!” said the pony as she gestured up to a clock on the wall.
Half past six.
“Oh my! That’s awfully late,” said Derpy as she turned to the window. The sun was setting, and the sky was baked in delicious golden autumn colors. Like muffins. Derpy’s belly grumbled, reminding her she’d had nothing to eat for almost a whole day. Those tummy grumbles were loud enough to even spook her new acquaintance, who no longer wagged her tail and stared wide-eyed at Derpy’s grouchy gut.
She tried to cover up the grumbling with a titter. “Hehe, I haven’t anything to eat all day today.”
The mare at her bedside stared on absentmindedly until, as if stung by a bee, she jerked away from Derpy and quickly dashed out the door and down the hall.
“Huh, what was that all about?”
Alone again with no one to talk to, Derpy took in the hospital once more. While her room hadn’t changed, the atmosphere was completely different. Derpy got up and waddled over to the window and looked outside. Besides a change in lighting, she noticed a large herd of pink ponies tiredly migrating to the hospital, guided along by the occasional royal guard. From her window, she could hear them muttering and complaining, but what about wasn’t clear. It probably was related to why their were all naked. The noise outside was just a dull buzzing compared to what echoed down the hall, as nurses impatiently called out for unusual amounts of aloe lotion and gauze while galloping up and down the halls. One set of very heavy hooves stiffly thumped outside of Derpy’s door. Growing louder and firmer with each step. The clopping stopped right outside her door, but only for a moment. Then a stallion, completely mummified in gauze except for small slits to see through, plodded through the door. Hardly moving at the neck, he looked in Derpy’s direction, then observed the beds in the room. He saw the unclaimed bed on the other side of the room, then jerked one hoof in front of the other, as if all his joints were made of wood, and inched his way over to his destination. Once he arrived at his bed, he teetered side to side until there was enough momentum to throw his whole body onto it. The bedsprings screeched under his weight.
A twinge of pity tugged at Derpy for this stoic stallion who took his pains like a pro. She pulled a blanket over him and his stiff legs. It was like tucking in an oversized ‘My Pretty Pony’ doll.
“Thank you,” mumbled the stallion through his tightly-wrapped jaw.
“You’re welcome,” replied Derpy. She left his side and looked down the hall and saw more mummies marching into empty rooms. Farther behind them was a gray-blue blur - the pony from before. She weaved between them madly, rushing through every opening until she slid under another mummified patient. Her eyes were trained on Derpy’s as she raced ahead, until she skidded to a stop in front of the door.
Before Derpy could say anything, the mare pressed the top of her head into her chest and excitedly nudged her back into the room.
Caught unprepared by the enthusiastic return, Derpy was almost knocked backwards, but corrected herself with a flap of her wings to protect her tender tuckus. “Goodness me, you were certainly quick. Why’d you run off like that?” The mare leaned down and plopped a brown paper bag on the floor in front of her then nudged it closer before sitting down on her rump. That same large, beaming smile was on her face, but now she had her mouth open and panted madly. “Rrruff ruff!”
“For me?” Derpy picked up the bag and inspected it. On one side of the bag were some scribbles in marker, smudged and barely legible. The first letter was clearly a large ‘D’ with some extra special loopy lettering. It took some squinting, but there was unmistakably four more letters. As she inspected the bag, the rolled-up top came undone and released a delicious odor. Derpy ripped the bag open.
Inside were banana-nut muffins.
“My muffins!”
“Bark bark bark bark!”
“Oh great, is there a dog in the hospital now?” whined the stallion.
Derpy wrapped up the barking pony in a hug and got a big slobbery dog-kiss in return. “Oh, thank you so much! But wait, I didn’t tell you my name. How did you know this bag was mine? Where did you get it?”
“Dogs can’t read. She probably just grabbed it by chance,” said the stallion.
The pony shrugged her shoulders with a goofy grin.
A nurse called out from down the hallway. “Hey, doc, where’s the muffins you bought? I’m starving!”
The news ringed in Derpy’s ear and everything suddenly clicked. She held the pony away at hooves length and held up the bag. “Oh no, did you steal these for me?”
The pony nodded.
Derpy shook her head, but couldn’t bring herself to stop smiling. “You bad thing,” she said sweetly. “You shouldn’t have stolen these for me, but it was very nice of you to do this for me. My name is Derpy, and you are?”
“Arf ruff!” said the mare.
“I’m sorry, one more time?”
“Arf ruff!”
“I’m sorry, I’m having trouble hearing through your accent.”
“Oh for Celestia’s sake! Just check her collar,” said the stallion.
Derpy looked. The mare had no collar, but she did have on a hospital gown, and there was a nametag on her chest. “Oh! Your name is Screw Loose,” said Derpy happily as she took the her in for another hug. “It’s very nice to meet you.”
“Arf!”
“Yeah, and my name is Big Whoop,” said the stallion.
“Very nice to meet you, too, Big Whoop,” said Derpy.
“No, wait, my name isn’t really… Oh, nevermind,” said Big Whoop.
With introductions aside, now Derpy could deal with the case of the missing muffins. She’d have Screw Loose return the muffins right away, or at least she normally would, but she had come down with a very naughty idea. Undoubtedly inspired by her new friend and partner in crime. And the rumblies in her tummy. Derpy reached in the bag, pulled out two of the muffins, and put them on the bedstand next to her before handing the bag back to Screw Loose and leaning in close to whisper, “I know we shouldn’t, but there’s plenty of muffins to share. Take the bag back, and I’ll give you one of the two muffins.”
Screw Loose saluted and rushed back into the hallway. “Hey, watch where you’re going!” shouted somepony down the hall.
A twinge of guilt plucked at Derpy’s conscious. The hypocrisy! Had Dinky been involved this situation, she wouldn’t have done what she did. Stealing was wrong, and she knew it. Still, it wasn’t like she’d be arrested for swiping 620 calories of delicious goodness that already had her name on it. Oh Dinky, please don’t ever turn out to be like your spoiled mother.
Her thoughts of her new life of crime were dispersed by Big Whoop’s groaning as he started rocking back and forth in his bed. She waddled over to his side and into his line of sight, and he stopped wobbling back and forth. “Could you get me some water?”
On the bed stand next to him was a large pitcher of ice water, some plastic cups, and drinking straws. She poured a cold drink and carefully aligned the cup on the edge of the table with a bent straw just inches from his lips. The stallion reached out and took a long sip, almost completely emptying the glass, which Derpy promptly refilled.
“Thank you,” said Big Whoop with a satisfied sigh. “So, what’re you in for? You look totally fine to me.”
“I had a flying accident,” she said. It took effort for her to stop there and not go into further embarrassing details. “But I’m okay now. It wasn’t too big a deal.”
“What, really? You paused there. Everypony’s had a bad day today, even you. You don’t have to be modest with me.”
“Oh, no, really. It was just a little flying incident… and…”
“And…?”
“Well, this morning my breakfast fell in the mud and got ruined, and my lunch was a total bust, too. I haven’t eaten anything all day! I got covered in sewage and had to have another pony spray me off with a hose. And then I had the accident and then that embarrassing surgery, and now I have to sit on a donut for the next few days. I didn’t even get to finish my mail route and will be forced to take time off to recover! I’m going to be so far behind on my deliveries and ponies will be upset with me.”
“Oi.”
Try as she might, Derpy couldn’t bring herself to be angry in venting. Sure, she was frustrated, and she saw enough reason to be furious at her luck today, but in saying everything out loud, a voice in her head argued back and robbed her of the will to be angry.
“I tell you, what, little miss. That does sound bad. Not being able to work is horrifying.” He took another long sip and Derpy refilled the cup. “I, too, will be out of commission in the immediate future, and I can say that I’m quite peeved at this turn of events.”
“I mean… it’s not all bad though,” Derpy said, “I could always use a day off. And I’ll get to spend it with my little filly. We could finally have a day to do some puzzles or work on her homework together. That’d be nice. And to be honest, today wasn’t really that bad.”
Big Whoop stared wide eyed at Derpy. “Oh really?”
“Well, yeah, sure, I may have gotten hurt and now I’m behind on work, but nothing too terrible happened. I got to meet you and Screw Loose on top of getting some time off. And today wasn’t just another run-of-the-mill day. And if anything else, I at least got an interesting experience out of it.”
There was a moment of silence between the two as the words in the air settled in their minds. Big Whoop, who had been staring right at Derpy the whole time looked away in thought.
“Huh,” was all he managed to say before being interrupted by a series of barks.
Screw Loose had returned and Derpy gave her the promised muffin before gratefully devouring hers. She took the donut pillow under a wing and turned to the door.
“It was very nice talking to you, Big Whoop,” she called from the door while waving goodbye, even if he couldn’t turn his head to see.
“My pleasure, Derpy.”
Derpy then walked out of the room and talked with her new friend Screw Loose all the way to the front entrance, which was packed to brim with naked ponies, each one getting the oil and bandage treatment for their burns. Derpy thanked Screw Loose for her help and kindness, and even invited her to dinner tomorrow, which she gladly accepted. She thought. Was “Yes” one or two barks?
The next day, Derpy and Dinky put together a 1,000-piece 3D puzzle of Canterlot, worked on her basic algebra, which Derpy swore wasn’t that difficult when she was in grade school, and then started cooking together a dinner of baked squash and parsnips with apple pie dessert. There was a knock at the door. Dinky went to answer and came back with Screw Loose. Her hair was neatly combed and she was holding a fruit basket with a note.
The note said: Dear Derpy,
I wanted to properly thank you for your kindness at the hospital yesterday.
Also, you gave me plenty to think about while stuck in my current situation. Your positivity and ability to see the good in any situation reminded me of a much younger and more handsome me. Optimistic almost to a fault, and you don’t let setbacks keep you down. You have admirable mental fortitude and an unshakeable confidence. I need more ponies like you around.
By asking around the hospital staff and using my connections, I was able to put together this fruit basket to show you how genuinely glad I was to meet you. I also learned much about you: you are my mail mare. You have a lot of experience in dealing with ponies and deliveries. Both of our daughters go to the same school. And most importantly, you’ve got your priorities straight. Everypony I’ve asked about you has had nothing but good things to say.
I’m looking to start a delivery service for my stores, and I want you on board. You will definitely be a valuable member to my team, and even if you can’t take the job immediately, I’ll always keep a spot open for you.
Sincerely yours,
Filthy “Big Whoop” Rich
Derpy held a hoof to her muzzle to contain her delight. Images of what could be flittered in her head. More money to put Dinky through college. More money for a nicer house. She wouldn’t have to budget every little thing on her mailmare salary. She wasn’t certain if she’d take the job -- oh, it was so scary to think about, but so exciting!
But she was certain of one thing: despite all the bad luck she’d had, yesterday was a good day.
