> Twilight Sparkle Versus the Forces of Darkness
>  by Rytex
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> A Morning On The Town
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Twilight Sparkle Versus the Forces of Darkness
Chapter 01 - A Morning On The Town


*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

“Ugh,” groaned the mess of limbs from the bed in the dark dormitory.  The tangled mess of covers and limbs shifted for several seconds before a hand finally slapped down on the alarm, shutting it off for another five minutes.

The hand’s owner grumbled a bit under her breath, before shifting around and swinging her legs over the side of the bed and sat up.

It was too early for this.  Had she really set the alarm for 6:45AM?  What had she been thinking?

“Sparky…” moaned another girl’s voice from the other bed alcove of the dorm.  “Why’d you have to set your alarm so early…?”

“I don’t remember,” Sparky groaned, covering her eyes with her hand for a moment before dragging it down her face.  She yawned, stretching in her pyjamas as she attempted to come to her senses, but it wasn’t working.

“What time’s first class?” the other girl asked from her section of the room.

“Mine’s at 10:30,” Sparky answered, running a hand through her dark hair, tracing the magenta streak that went from bangs to back.  “You?”

“Noon,” was the answer.

“Sorry,” Twilight mumbled.

“‘Sfine,” the other girl replied sleepily, before Sparky heard the sound of a body getting reacquainted with its bed.  “Just warn me next time before you set your alarm this early, alright Twilight?”

“Sure thing, Sunset,” Twilight nodded, before suddenly alighting.

“Oh!  I was going to the library to help Ms. Valkyrie!” she exclaimed, before hastily dashing for the bathroom and turning on the shower.

“Great…” grumbled Sunset from her bed, sticking an arm over her ear to try and drown out the sound of rushing water.

Twilight hastily scrubbed herself, and in her haste to get ready to head to the library, she almost forgot to rinse out the shampoo in her hair.  Her white oxford and lilac sweater-vest were thrown on, her navy pants and purple slip-ons quickly following suit, before she dashed out the door, leaving an irritated Sunset Shimmer still trying to squeeze in a few more hours of sleep.

The halls of the dorm were devoid of people up this early.  Twilight supposed it all had to do with the fact that it was a Friday, and everyone was trying to get all their sleep in for whatever wild parties were going to go down that evening.  Or maybe some of them were going to be like her and go to bed at a reasonable time, so they could go to the President’s address tomorrow.  It wasn’t often that President Sunbeam herself came and spoke to everyone on campus, after all.

She reached the front doors of her dorm, took a quick glance at the darkness outside, took a deep breath, and pushed the door open.

Dawn’s rosy touch was just starting to light up the eastern horizon, but the night’s darkness and chill were still all around her as she set off for the local library.

Canterlot University did have a library of its own, but it wasn’t her destination this morning.  She had no finals to study for, no research papers to write, and no definitions to list.  Today, her destination was further into the city.

The lamps that lit up the sidewalks were still glowing bright orange, illuminating the sides of some of the many buildings of the campus, such as the College of Fine Arts just across from her dorm or the College of Business further away.

There were few people out this early.  Those that were seemed to be in groups for the most part, such as the women’s football team practicing in the empty fields in the distance under the floodlights.

Taking another deep breath, Twilight set out, following the sidewalk as it led her out of the campus and into a neighborhood, before emerging in a small city square, at the center of which stood a tall, proud bronze statue of President Amethyst, one of their past leaders.  A plaque commemorating her deeds was visible but illegible in the current lighting, but Twilight ignored it anyway.  A few other shops were deserted, a few were opening up, and the two restaurants were already seeing business from the other early birds.

But Twilight’s destination lay in the larger building that took up half of its side of the square directly across from where she had emerged from the neighborhood separating this square from the university.  It didn’t take her all that long to cross the brick center, passing Amethyst’s statue, and arrive just as the kindly older woman with long white hair and a white dress pushed open the door for her.

“Good morning, Twilight!” the woman smiled brightly at her.  “Here to help me get started this morning, are we?”

“I did say I was coming over a couple of days ago,” Twilight reminded her, smiling back.

“Did you?” the woman furrowed her brow, “I’m sorry, it must have slipped my mind.”

“It’s alright, Ms. Valkyrie.  Any new books come in?” she felt giddy at the new shipment of different adventure books Ms. Valkyrie had placed an order for.  Being one of her favorite visitors always meant she got to read some of them early.

“I’m afraid not, Twilight,” the old librarian shook her head sadly.  “The shipping companies are under heavy stress, what with the Deci-Millennium being in the next few months.  Everyone and their mother seem to be putting parties together for it several weeks in advance. We might not see those books for another week or two.”

“That’s fine,” Twilight shrugged.  “Gives me plenty of time to catch up on the other books I’ve still got to read.”

Ms. Valkyrie did have a couple of helpers who worked at the library, but they didn’t come in until later.  It still didn’t take her and Twilight long to get the library up and running for the morning, since much of the time, Ms. Valkyrie always seemed to have everything ready the night before.

Twilight usually handled reshelving.  After all the volunteer hours she had put into helping Ms. Valkyrie, she knew the library’s organization by heart.

“So,how are your classes going?” the elder woman asked, sliding a couple of books into their place over in the fiction section.

“Same as always,” Twilight replaced a history book next to its sister volume.  “All A’s, Sunset always out with her boyfriend, already got so high a grade that I don’t even have to turn up to the Final to still pass.”

“D passing, or C passing?” the older woman asked.

“Both,” Twilight shrugged, before grabbing another book off the cart and pushing the cart out of the aisle after seeing it was in a different section.  “C-passing in the three classes in my major, and the other two are just core credit, where D stands for diploma.”

“But knowing Night and Velvet, I doubt they’d be too happy with you getting those grades,” remarked the librarian, finishing up her cart.

Twilight felt a slight bit of disappointment.  It had been a game with her for years now, trying to beat Ms. Valkyrie at shelving all the books.  Even when she started with fewer books than the full-timer, she always seemed to come in second.

“They’d cut my spending allowance if I did that,” Twilight placed the book in its place.  “They don’t mind if I don’t make A’s, as long as I’m trying.”

“But you always make A’s.”

“And my allowance never gets cut,” Twilight grinned as she picked up the last two books on the cart and walked them to their place.  “It’s a great system!”

“Can’t argue with that.”  The librarian glanced at the clock on the wall.  “What time is your first class?”

“10:30,” Twilight answered, wheeling the cart back behind the librarian’s desk.  “I’ll need to head out here in a minute if I wanna get breakfast before class.”

“That’s quite alright, dear,” the old woman assured her.  “My assistant should be showing up soon anyway, and the library doesn’t see as much business as it used to.”

“You sure you don’t need any more help?” Twilight asked, stepping out of the librarian’s desk now that her work had been completed.  It was almost time to go, and she needed the time to finish getting prepared for class.

“I’m quite sure, dear,” the librarian patted her on the arm.  “We got almost all the opening work done.  Have a good day in class!”

Satisfied that her work was done, and with the time drawing closer to when she would need to head back to campus, Twilight bid the old woman farewell, pushed open the door, and strode out into the little square.

It was one of many such squares in Canterlot.  Having been the capital of the Republic of Equestria for the last 10,000 years, it’d had no shortage of time to build outward and upward.  At the last census, it clocked in at just over 27 million people.  The whole Canterlot Metropolitan area came in with over 40 million people calling it home, making it the largest city in the world.

As such, quiet little corners of the city such as this one were few and far between.  This particular quiet corner wasn’t even all that quiet normally.  It was just early enough to where there were very few people on the streets.

“I wonder if Donut Joe’s is open,” she muttered to herself as she stepped back outside.

It had been a long time since she had been there, not since she had started school at the very least.

A quick glance at her phone confirmed she did have enough time to run over and get back to school in time to grab her books and head to class, accounting for a quick hello and picking up her favorite of Joe’s creations, a glazed twisty.

It didn’t take her more than fifteen minutes to get there from the library, set at the corner of Everfree Street and Belt Line Road, both of which formed the unofficial boundaries between University Park suburb and Canterlot proper, which made it a pretty popular breakfast destination for fellow students.  Fortunately, it was mostly clear of people that morning.

“Welcome to Joe’s!  How can I-- Twiliiiiight!” The stocky brown-haired man behind the counter grinned, before giving a cheery wave.

“Morning to you too, Joe,” She responded in kind, a quick little wave as she stepped up to the counter, ignoring the empty queue entirely.

“Usual, I presume?”

“Of course!” Twilight pulled her wallet from her pocket and proffered a few bits in cash.

“Oh the house,” Joe waved it off, reaching down, grabbing a paper and grabbing one of Twilight’s favorites and handing it to her.  “Long as you drop by a bit more often now, ya hear?”

“Sure thing!” She grinned, before stowing the bits away and taking the donut.  “I’ll do my best.  You know how school is.”

“Yeah yeah,” Joe rolled his eyes.  “You kids and your schoolwork as an excuse.”

“It’s true,” Twilight shrugged, before sinking her teeth into the glazed goodness.  “Mmm, I missed these.”

“Your brother stops by every so often,” Joe pulled out a towel and started cleaning his counter.  “Walking stereotype, he is.  Cop can’t get enough of the donuts.”

“No cop would say no to your donuts, though.”

Joe snorted.  “Well, stereotypical ones wouldn’t.”

He yawned.  It seemed that, despite the fact that he was usually up this early almost every day of the week, it didn’t always mean he was fresh every morning.

“So, how’s life treating you?” he asked, tossing the towel in a dirty rags bin and grabbing a pair of tongs to transfer some of his donuts from the machine behind a section of wall to behind the glass window display.

“Same old same old, I guess,” Twilight shrugged.  “Classes are classes, Sunset and Flash keep me up all night with their games, Ms. Valkyrie keeps lending me books… you know, the usual.”

“How old are you now, Twilight?” Joe asked.  “Last I remember seeing you in here, you were still in secondary, and that was six years ago.  You can’t still be in college!”

Twilight glanced away awkwardly.

“...you’re kidding,” Joe stared at her with a baffled expression on his face.  “You’re still in school?  But you’ve never failed a class!  You should have graduated months ago!”

“I have more than one major,” she replied.

“Double-major?  Makes more sense, I guess.”

“Umm… more like… four,” Twilight brushed her hair forward just enough to hide her face from view.

Joe stared at her.

“Four?” he asked, the incredulity behind his voice kept well-hidden.

“Y-yeah.”

“How many hours are you taking this semester?” he asked, still mentally trying to figure out what in Old Celestia’s name had possessed her to do four majors at once.

“Sixteen.  It’s really not that hard!” she added hastily, waving a hand wildly to stop him from responding.  “Most of them have the same prerequisites and core classes and stuff!”

“Oh for the love of…” Donut Joe buried his face in his hands, before running them through his hair.  “Twilight, do you even know what it is you want to do?”

“Umm…” Twilight tapped her fingers together and glanced away.  “...no?”

Joe snorted and shook his head.  “Nothing wrong with that.  I didn’t know what I wanted to do until I was already two years in.  But, if I may ask, what all are your majors?”

“The hard sciences,” she replied with a shrug.

“The hard sciences?” Joe asked, sounding a bit confused.  “Which ones are they?”

“You know, biology, chemistry, physics…”

“And the last one?  Computer Science?”

“No, Mathematics.”

“Wow, you really don’t know what you want to be, do you?” Joe asked, trying not to make fun of the poor girl.

“I do, but…” Twilight grimaced, “there’s no such career as being a professional student.  I mean,” she shrugged, “science and stuff is all nice, but I just… I don’t know where I would go forward with it.  I want to study something that constantly gives me new things to learn.  New, unexpected and unpredictable things, that make it all the more fun!”

“What about quantum physics?” Joe suggested.  “I hear they’re working on all kinds of amazing things.”

“I did apply, but…” she tossed a hand by her head, “I just didn’t feel like my heart was all that in it.  Everything just doesn’t seem all that interesting to me.”

“I know the feeling,” came a young, male voice from behind her.

Twilight turned to see a young man stride into Donut Joe’s Donutopia behind her.  He wore nothing particularly impressive-- merely a white T-shirt that hung a bit loose on his thin frame, and a pair of jeans.  His unkempt bright red hair caught the light in a peculiar way, and his cool green eyes looked past her at Joe.

“Flare!” Joe exclaimed, grinning and holding out a hand, which Flare shook.  “Twilight, meet Flare Dancer.  Flare, this is Twilight Sparkle.  Her family’s some of my favorite customers.”

“Pleasure,” Flare said, smiling warmly, holding out a hand, which Twilight shook.

“Likewise,” Twilight responded.

“Anyway, yeah, I know the feeling of everything seeming banal,” Flare shrugged.  “Oh, and I’ll have two glazed and one twist.”

“Coming right up,” Joe started grabbing the aforementioned items.

“You’ll find something you like someday,” Flare smiled encouragingly.  “Just keep searching.”

“Thanks,” Twilight inclined her head at the young man.  “I guess I’ll be heading out.  I need to get back to campus for class.  How much do I--”

“I told you, on the house,” Joe held out a hand to prevent her from pulling out her bits.  “Sure there’s nothing else I can do for you?”

“No, I think not,” Twilight smiled.

“Yeah, the readers are starting to wonder if the plot of the story is around here somewhere,” commented Flare, smirking.

“But thanks anyway!” Twilight added.  “I’ll be sure to drop by more often.”

“Alright, I’ll hold you to that,” Joe waved.  “Later, Twilight.”

And with that, Twilight was back out into the city, and back towards the school.

The day felt almost perfect.  It was growing ever closer to fall, and the weather was starting to cool down just enough to make it perfect hoodie weather, especially on a mountainside city like Canterlot.

The citygoers were out in full force.  Everyone from businessmen and women to hooky-playing teenagers was now walking up and down the now-busy intersection, with a few automobiles driving along the roads to make sure no one strayed too far out into the street.

Even with all of this, Twilight knew it wasn’t going to take her long to get to the campus.  In short order, she was weaving her way in and out of the crowd of people, just a slight bit of haste to her footsteps.

Someone bumped her shoulder purely by accident, and she stumbled, falling onto her knees..  Groaning at the very minor inconvenience, she started to push herself up.

As she finished and straightened up, she felt a prickle at the back of her neck, like the many times Shining Armor had tortured her as a child by holding the tip of a pen deliberately millimeters over the back of her neck.  That strange, maddening sensation was back, and coming from somewhere off to her left.  She recoiled slightly, whirling to see what was causing it.

At first, it didn’t look like anything was there, but after the two people who were initially stepping in front of it moved, Twilight saw an alleyway between a couple of shops, and standing in that alleyway was a black-cloaked and hooded man.

At least, Twilight assumed it was a man, since the being’s face was completely shrouded in darkness.  He was either male, or a really flat-chested female, and the cloak itself wasn’t helping.  It was baggy, with a zipper straight down the middle of it and open from the bottom to about the waist, and two dangling metal beads at the end of drawstrings connected around the collarbone, and a metal chain held the two sides together even if the zipper didn’t.

The being wore what looked like tall black boots and black gloves, and absolutely all of this ensemble looked like it was leather.

Despite the fact that Twilight had a niggling feeling she was supposed to be feeling intimidated, and she was, her rational part was questioning the all black leather ensemble.

He should stick out like a sore thumb in public, she observed, staring back at the hooded person, who stared right back at her.

...so why doesn’t anyone seem to notice him?

People just kept going about their business.  This guy should have been catching stares from everyone, and yet no one seemed to even remotely be aware of xis existence… except her.

And come to think of it, the darkness shrouding xis face was completely unnatural!  She should be able to see at least some part of the figure’s face, but it was like a sheet of black was put right in front of xis nose.

For only a moment, Twilight’s rational self overcame her suspicions about the being, but then it suddenly dawned on her, this being was completely unnatural, and was interested in her, for some reason or another.

A sliver of cold seemed to slide up her gut, filling her with TREPIDATION!, she felt rooted to the spot and couldn’t act.

For another long moment, the cloaked figure stared at her as she stared back, feeling incapable of doing anything else, before the figure seemed to decide it was enough.  An inky shadow appeared under his feet, and a bubble of darkness enveloped the being, leaving nothing behind as it vanished.

For a fleeting moment, Twilight stared at the spot where the cloaked figure had stood, mind reeling.

Who… who was that?  And why was he watching me? she wondered, her frown only partially covering up the slight bit of apprehension she felt.

A clocktower rang.  Twilight was jolted out of her trance as she realized it was 10 already, and she needed to get to class as soon as possible.  But her sudden haste did nothing to quell her uneasiness at the figure’s presence, or at what he could possibly signify.





Out of the corridor of darkness stepped the man, in the middle of a large stone room in a castle on an unscalable peak in the northernmost reaches of Equestria.  He had to admit, he had not expected the girl to see him.

Intriguing, he thought.  Perhaps I will have to be more subtle when following her.

Still, as commanded, he waved a hand through the air, an aura of darkness issuing from it.  In the air in front of him, the darkness that issued from his hand and coalesced, forming a large, black, translucent cloud that shifted all around in its place, before a pair of icy-blue eyes manifested themselves in the center.

“Yes, servant?” an equally-cold feminine voice issued from the cloud.  “What have you to report?”

“Everything is proceeding as planned,” the man said in a hollow, empty sounding voice.  He knelt before the cloud.  “The time for your return is close at hand.”

“That alone cannot be the reason you contacted me,” observed the shadow, eyes narrowing.  “What have you found?”

“Per your orders, I have been following the Spirits of Harmony as they went from bearer to bearer for the last several millennia,” the man reminded her.

“Yes, and what of it?” the shadow asked.  “Have you found the sixth?”

“I do not know,” the man admitted.  “There was a certain… difference in this girl’s aura, but nothing definite.”

“Perhaps it would be best to simply eliminate her now,” mused the shadow.  “If the Elements of Harmony are incomplete, what chance do they have of stopping me?”

“I feel that would be an unwise decision,” the cloaked man replied, glancing up at the shadow briefly before lowering his head again.  “It would alert the Equestrian government to my existence, and though they have not the means to interfere with me, I am sure I need not remind you of how fortunate they can be if they are actively working against you.”

The shadow seemed to hiss with distaste.

“Still, my ten-thousand year banishment is nearly at an end, servant,” a satisfied edge being’s voice crept into the shadow’s voice.  “You shall have your due reward for being so faithful once Equestria is mine to rule.”

“I eagerly await my master’s return,” the man clapped a fist over his heart and rose.  “And I will be there to greet you upon your return, Nightmare Moon.”

“I am already looking forward to it,” she shadow’s eyes seemed to sparkle with malevolent anticipation.  “Prepare the way for my arrival, servant.  The time of my return and my ascension is nigh.”

“By your command,” the man bowed, and the shadow dispersed, leaving the man standing alone in the stone room.  For only a moment was he still, but then he was off.  There was work to be done.

> Secret Society
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Twilight Sparkle Versus the Forces of Darkness


Chapter 02 - Secret Society


“Damn it, Sparky,” Sunset rubbed her eyes from her spot next to Twilight in the university library’s research section.  “Why’d you make me come here with you again?”

“Because the author has hit writer’s block at this section, and since he knows I’m a popular character in the fandom, he is shamelessly throwing pandas at the readers while also writing himself out of it?”

“Really?  A fourth wall break this early in a chapter?  He promised they wouldn’t be this frequent,” Twilight glowered at the author.

“I’m sure it won’t happen again.”

“But that makes about as much sense as your other theory,” Twilight ran a hand through her hair as she stared at her computer in frustration.  “Seriously, Sunset?  Government agents and the Illuminati?  Have you been hanging around Foil Hat?”

“I have no choice,” Sunset rolled her eyes and shrugged helplessly.  “He’s my lab partner.  Wouldn’t even go near the fluoride solution we had to use last Chem lab.”  She snorted.  “Seemed to think it was in our water, or chemtrails or something.”

“Mother of old Celestia,” Twilight face-palmed.  “This university will accept anyone, won’t they?”

“They’ve got quotas to hit to meet standards,” Sunset shrugged again.  “Speaking of bureaucracy, you are going to the President’s address tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah,” Twilight dipped her head.  “I’m gonna bring a book for her to sign as well.”

“Extra credit, or something?” Sunset glanced back toward the research section’s entryway just as one of the music professors strolled in.

“Nah,” Twilight shook her head.  “Just want me a copy signed by a famous person.  And an excuse to get out of class!”

“You’re twenty-four, quadruple-majoring, and you’re skipping classes?” Sunset asked skeptically.  “Alright, who’s handling note-taking?”

“Beaker,” replied Twilight dully.  “Only other person who pays attention in Chem.”

“Beaker?” Sunset tried to stifle a laugh.  “The accident-prone one with the red hair?”

“Pretty much,” Twilight replied, a note of resignation in her voice.  “He was the only one I could count on.”

Sunset cringed at the thought of the fourteen different ways Beaker could potentially kill himself while just taking notes.  Was death by note-taking a thing?  Perhaps a thousand paper cuts?

“Still, whatever it is you’re looking up has gotta be pretty important if you’re willing to skip class over it,” Sunset pointed out.  “Even more so if you’re looking up conspiracies.  What’s going on again?”

“I was on my way to school this morning, and there was this big black guy watching me from by an alley.”

Sunset blinked.

“Okay, that’s slightly racist and more than a little creepy.”

“No, I mean,” Twilight face-palmed as she pulled up some page listing the latest conspiracy theories, “It was this guy in a big black cloak, sitting in an alley, just… watching me.”

“Okay, not racist anymore, but still creepy,” amended Sunset, looking up at the ceiling thoughtfully.  “And a black cloak?  It’s the beginning of summer!  That’s astoundingly impractical.”

“That’s what I thought!  He must have been on fire under that thing,” Twilight agreed, nodding enthusiastically.  “But that’s not even the weird part.”

“It gets weirder?”

“Yes,” Twilight dipped her head.  “No one even noticed he was there.  And after a few moments, he just…”

“Just…?” Sunset tilted her head quizzically.

“Just… teleported or something.”

“Teleported?”

“I know what I saw!” Twilight preemptively defended herself.  “There was this big black bubble that swallowed him up, but he didn’t look concerned or anything!  It was like he wanted to be swallowed up by it.  It just makes the most sense that it was some kind of teleportation.”

She frowned.

“But… how is that possible?” the whispered to herself.

“Magic, obviously,” shrugged Sunset.

“That’s impossible,” refuted Twilight, crossing her arms.  “Magic doesn’t exist!”

“You literally saw it right in front of your eyes, and you say it doesn’t exist?” Sunset deadpanned.

“There has to be some sort of explanation!” Twilight tossed her hair back.  “I mean, magic describes something inexplicable!  Surely there has to be some sort of science behind it.”

Sunset rolled her eyes.

“I’m not going to argue that, but why can’t you just accept that there’s nothing explainable about it now,” Twilight shot her an irritated look, “and just come back later when you have more knowledge?  Maybe then you’ll be able to explain it away.”

“Because this is magic we’re talking about,” Twilight replied, kneading the flesh above her eyebrows.  “Magic, Sunset!  If magic had so much information about it running around, how many google search results would turn up?”

Fun fact, the actual answer was 1,150,000,000 (in 0.58 seconds).

“This… may take a while,” Twilight sighed.

“You may even have to look at the second page,” Sunset mused.

“I don’t have time for this!” Twilight groaned, before letting her head slam onto the space of table right in front of the keyboard.

“Maybe you’re underthinking it,” Sunset suggested.  “Think about it.  If magic implies something inexplicable, and you think there’s an explanation, maybe it goes by a different name?”

Twilight paused for a moment.

“Sunset?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a genius.”

Sunset examined her nails in faux-haughtiness.  “I do try.”

“I need to get back to the library,” Twilight said, starting to log off and grab her bag and books.

“Twilight, you’re already in a library,” Sunset pointed out, struggling not to smile.

“The other library,” clarified Twilight, rolling her eyes.  “There could be some information here, but until I know what it’s supposed other name was, I’d just be searching through all these reference books blind.”

“Fair point,” conceded Sunset, inclining her head at her roommate.  “Just don’t stay out too late.  I don’t think I need to remind you that you want to get a book signed by a famous person tomorrow morning.”

“I hear ya,” Twilight started making her way toward the exit.  “But that means Flash has to leave when I get back.  I don’t need you two keeping me up all night.”

Twilight was grateful she couldn’t see the smirk Sunset was definitely sporting.  She was even more grateful for the lack of traffic that afternoon, and the near-emptiness of the Public Library as she walked in.

“Twilight!” exclaimed Ms. Valkyrie from the center desk, rising to greet her.  “This is unexpected.  I thought you had class at this time.”

“Not this semester,” Twilight replied, charging right up to Ms. Valkyrie’s desk and setting her bookbag right on top.  “Ms. Valkyrie, I need your help.  Do you know of anything about magic?”

Ms. Valkyrie tilted her head.  “Magic?  Very little, I suppose, though I have a few rudimentary tutorial books and such.  Taking up a new hobby?”

“Do… what now?” Twilight asked.  She had tutorial books on magic?  Was there something she had missed?

“I was actually checking in one just now,” the elder woman said, digging around in a return bin and yanking out a small white book.

“Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Magic But Were Too Afraid To Ask?” Twilight asked, taking the book in her hands.  A quick inspection of the inside cover revealed a child wearing a top hat and cape and wielding a black wand with white tips.  “Oh!  No, not this kind of magic, Ms. Valkyrie.  I’m talking about actual magic.”

“Actual magic?” Ms. Valkyrie took the book and returned it to the pile.  “Advanced stuff or--”

“No!”  Twilight cut her off, facepalming.  “I mean, like, the supernatural, arcane kind.”

“If I may ask, what’s bringing on this sudden interest?” the elder asked, choosing to go ahead and process the magic tutorial book while she had it out.

Twilight cast a cursory glance around the room.  No one else was here, not even Ms. Valkyrie’s helpers.

“Dear?”  Ms. Valkyrie looked up from the book with concern.  “Are you alright?”

“Fine, fine,” Twilight shook her head.  No one else was here.  What was she so afraid of?  “It’s just… in the marketplace this morning.  There was this cloaked being watching me.”

Ms. Valkyrie froze, her eyes widening a fraction.

“I don’t know, it’s weird,” Twilight shrugged, “but I couldn’t see his face.  It was completely black under his hood.  And when I noticed him, he just…” she held her hands up as she struggled to describe it, “disappeared in this big black bubble thing.”

The encounter with the man replayed in Twilight’s head.  Everything seemed to be in crisp clarity.  The way the being and her just stared at each other, the inky blackness that swallowed him…

Twilight returned her attention to Ms. Valkyrie to see that the librarian’s eyes were now staring past her, and she seemed very distant all of a sudden.  And were her tendons bulging in her hands…?

“Ms. Valkyrie?” Twilight asked hesitantly.

The librarian blinked several times as she was jolted from her thoughts.  “Sorry!” she apologized, meeting Twilight’s gaze and giving her an equally apologetic look.  “It’s just… how do you know of the Nightwalkers?”

“Err… ‘Nightwalkers?’” Twilight asked, confused.  “They have a name?”

“Of course they do,” Ms. Valkyrie stepped out of the desk through a small door to the side and motioned for Twilight to follow her.  “Come.  We need to have this conversation someplace a bit more private.”





“More private,” it turned out, was just Ms. Valkyrie’s hidden office at the back of the library.  Tucked away behind the archives, filled with practically nothing but filing cabinets, a desk, and an aging computer.

Twilight had been in here all of twice before.  The computer’s software was as old as the hardware, since it was still running Macrohard Windows ‘91 despite it being almost nine years later.

What a noob, still stuck in the 198th century.  She probably still used Internet Explorer and everything.

Ms. Valkyrie took her place behind the antique of a computer and frowned at the blank screen.

“Where to begin…” she muttered quietly as Twilight sat down in a plain, old-looking cushioned chair.

“They have a name?” Twilight asked again.

“Of course they do,” Ms. Valkyrie nodded gravely.  “If that is or isn’t their real name, we don’t know.  All we know is that these beings cloaked in black have cropped up over the last ten thousand years.  Someone had the idea to call them the Nightwalkers, so we use that name since we don’t have a better one.”

“Ten thousand years?” Twilight gasped.  “How old are they?”

Ms. Valkyrie shrugged.  “All we know is that their first sighting was on Night Zero.”

“Did they…”

“...have something to do with it?” finished the elder, eyes narrowing.  “Yes.  In fact, they’re believed to be the reason behind the disappearance of Princess Luna.”

“Disappearance?  I thought she died.”

Ms. Valkyrie shook her head.  “Not that we know for fact.  Without a doubt, eyewitness accounts report a Nightwalker directly murdering Princess Celestia, and another eyewitness reports a Nightwalker battling Princess Luna shortly before Princess Luna is reported missing.  Beyond that, no one knows.”

“Twilight huffed.  “She’s obviously alive then.  No body, no death.  That’s how this always works.”

“Even so,” continued the elder, “no one knows where she is.  Of course,” she added, with a humorless smile, “there are possibilities for where she could be hiding or kept prisoner, such as Mt. Snowdin or someplace outside of the Republic.”

“Mt. Snowdin?  The one with the perpetual ice storm, right?”

“Exactly,” Ms. Valkyrie dipped her head.  An ice storm that wards off all would-be summitters, and no one has seen what the peak looks like.”

“Do you think that may be where the Nightwalkers are headquartered at?” Twilight asked, already pulling out her notebook and scribbling down what she had learned thus far in addition to all of the other conspiracy… er, possibilities.

“It’s as likely as any other place,” Ms. Valkyrie shrugged.  “As for what has become of the Nightwalkers, they’ve popped up every few hundred years.”  She frowned.  “Every time, they seem to just observe someone.  There’s no pattern to their targets, and no one but the one they watch ever notices them.”

“Why do they watch random people?” Twilight asked, as there came a prickling feeling in her neck.

“Dear, I haven’t the foggiest idea,” answered Ms. Valkyrie apologetically, closing her purple eyes and shaking her head for a brief moment.  “What makes it even more baffling is that nothing ever happens to the targets, either.”

“Nothing?” Twilight asked, confused.  “Nothing at all?”

“Nothing traceable, anyway,” Ms. Valkyrie shook her head again.  “All of the observed ones went on to lead normal lives.  Some were cut short tragically due to various reasons, others lived long.  Some lived sad lives, others lived prosperous ones.  There is literally nothing we know of that links any of the people known throughout history to have been observed.”

“How do you know about them?” Twilight asked.  “They didn’t seem to be in any of the history books I saw, and if they were involved in Night Zero--”

“I know because I, too, was once watched by a Nightwalker.”

Twilight froze, her mouth falling open.

“You!?”

Ms. Valkyrie nodded.  “I was about your age.  I was walking to work one morning, not a care in the world, and suddenly, I saw him.  Standing there on top of a building, just looking right at me.”

Her eyes glossed over as her mind drifted back to the memory.

“It scared me, at first.  I remember looking through every possible book I could, trying desperately to find any information about it.”

Her eyes quickly returned to focus and she looked Twilight dead in the eye.

“Your research will, and probably already has, attracted the attention of the government.  Don’t be alarmed,” she added, as Twilight had stiffened, “they do truly desire to help.  You will likely be brought in for questioning, or perhaps interviewed someplace private, but if you ever see the Nightwalkers again, come back to me and I can pass word along to the ones who need to hear it.”

Twilight’s mind was reeling.  Had she just gotten caught up in a giant web of intrigue, just by being the one person these Nightwalkers felt like watching?

“Relax,” Ms. Valkyrie placed a hand on her shoulder reassuringly.  “The government have been attempting to find the Nightwalkers since the foundation of the Republic, but they are on our side, I promise.”

She glanced at a clock on the wall.

“You need to go,” Ms. Valkyrie stood up.  “Go back to the campus and continue with your life, but keep an eye out.  Again, if you see another one, don’t hesitate to come right back to me.”

“I will,” promised Twilight, nodding as she began to leave.  All of this information was certainly a problem.  It was only the middle of the semester, so exams weren’t a concern yet, but this certainly put a lot on her plate.





“Yes, thank-you for the call.  We’ve already started.”

The voice of an elderly woman said something unintelligible to anyone but the well-dressed middle-aged man on the phone.

“Yes.  IF all goes well, we’ll reach out to her tomorrow.”

Another pause while the woman on the other line spoke some more.

“Will do.  I’ll alert the President immediately.  Goodbye.”

Director Watcher tapped the End Call button on his screen and slipped his smart phone back into his pocket.  Once he felt the familiar weight of it, he sighed, running a hand through his short black hair, down to under his chin.

Why does every important anniversary have to involve some kind of impending doom? he wondered.

When he had been a member of the military, Shadow Watcher was the very model of a modern major-general.  He had information vegetable, animal, and mineral.  He knew the kings of England and could quote the fights historical, from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.  He was very well acquainted with matters mathematical.  He understood equations both the simple and quadratical.  About binomial theorem he was teeming with a lot of news.

Hang on, what’s a good math rhyme for news?

Oh, wait, got it.

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

He was very good at integral and differential calculus.  He knew the scientific names of beings animalculous.  In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, he was the very model of a modern major-general.

This prime wealth of knowledge, of course, made him the perfect candidate to direct the Night Hunt, the government collection of agents whose job it was to hunt down the Nightwalkers and their base of operations.

Of course, nearly ten thousand years of failure had hardly endeared the division and its agenda to the big wigs.  More than once, the division had teetered on the edge of being shut down, before some new sighting of the Nightwalkers came to light, which only redoubled their efforts.

But still, when Watcher first heard he was being appointed director of the operation, he had to admit, he thought he was being promoted for the sake of being demoted.  Sure, the job had a nice pay, rather lax hours, and the constant nagging that you’re looking for something 99.9% of the general populace don’t know exists, but on the other hand, there was the constant nagging that he was looking for something 99.9% of the population didn’t know existed.

Yet, when Watcher had first taken over, he had been startled to find a true wealth of information regarding these beings.  Everything from theories regarding their base of operations, be it on Mt. Snowdin, under the sea, or even on the moon, to very detailed descriptions and sketches of their outfit, as well as a database on every single person they had ever watched, and as many circumstances about their lives as they could find.

Everything from life span to favorite colors, to the restaurant they ate at for their twentieth birthday.

And for that matter, the offices in which they worked were actually pretty high-class.

Literally, just a couple of floors under the President’s office.  And to continue to hide, their job doubled as secret service agents, protecting the President wherever he or she went.

Which just so happened to be the Ops Room of their division at the moment.

Watcher stepped into the dimly lit room where their team of analysts were going through their data as efficiently as possible.  Standing in the center of the room, wearing a white pantsuit, was a young,-looking, tall pale-skinned pink-haired woman with pink eyes, who looked around the room sternly, intently watching everyone work.

“Madam President,” Watcher inclined his head as he approached.

“Director,” President Sunbeam nodded.  “What was the call about?”

“It was from one of our old cases,” he pulled back on his suit sleeves to free his arms just a bit.  “She said one of her friends, a young woman who attends Canterlot University, is the latest observee of the Nightwalkers.”

“Have you learned anything new?” the President asked, glancing at another suited agent, who had pulled out his phone and ducked away.

“Nothing that we hadn’t seen in the last couple of hours, though the young lady will apparently be in attendance of your address tomorrow,” answered Watcher.

“The readers waited six months for this chapter, they demand some damn answers, and this is all we have?” Sunbeam asked in disbelief.

Watcher nodded.  “Valkyrie recommended we approach her after the address and debrief her.”

Sunbeam nodded tensely.  Watcher had to imagine that a sudden reappearance of something that wasn’t supposed to exist, right at one of the most important dates in the history of their fair republic, wasn’t exactly good for stress management.

“Should I arrange for her to come to the Manor, or perhaps debrief her someplace on campus, do you think?” she asked, crossing her arms.

“I’d recommend on campus, ma’am,” Watcher replied.  “We need to spend tomorrow preparing security detail on the manor until further notice.  While it would be preferable to have you in the house, the fact of the matter is, with what we we know about these Nightwalkers, we can only do so much against magic.”

Sunbeam’s eyes narrowed somewhat at that last statement.

“Then what is your recommendation?” Sunbeam asked rigidly.  “If there is little to do against magic--”

“Add to security detail, but otherwise act as though nothing is going wrong,” stated Watcher.  He gave a quick shake of his head before continuing.  “No one will be any the wiser with the Deci-Millennium coming up.”

President Sunbeam had nothing to offer at that, simply continuing to watch the analysts go about their work.

“Will that be satisfactory, Madam President?” Watcher asked.

“That will,” Sunbeam dipped her head.  “Prepare to meet with the young lady tomorrow and schedule the extra security detail.  Make it so, Director.”

Watcher bowed slightly.  “Right away,” he said, before starting his work.





Blackness.  Everywhere she looked was blackness.

Twilight hated dreams like this.  So boring!  Nothing to do but wander around the inky landscape, hoping to come across something interesting to occupy her time until she was awake.

Everything was going the way it usually did, with her walking along, humming to herself.  It was all the same as always, except this time, something interesting found her.

“Oh?”

Twilight’s gaze snapped to the left.  There was a woman in an elegant yet simple white toga standing there, her face obscured by shadow.  She had hair of pink, green, and blue waving independently of any wind, golden jewellery adorning her arms and neck, and an air of authority about her.

“Hello?” Twilight asked, wondering just how many more encounters with mysterious strangers she would have to deal with.

“Well, this is a pleasant surprise,” the woman mused, smiling slightly.  “It’s been a long time since I had anyone to talk to.  It’s been so lonely here…”

“Who are you?” Twilight asked, drawing back slightly.

“Oh, I daresay you’ll find out soon,” the woman said.  “If you were drawn to me like this, then I have no doubt we will meet again, child.”

The woman took the opportunity to survey Twilight, though since Twilight couldn’t see her eyes, she had no idea what the woman was looking for.

“”I see,” the woman muttered to herself, now striding forward and starting to walk around her.

“Erm… can I help you?” Twilight asked, feeling a bit self-conscious.

The woman didn’t answer.  Twilight just continued to stand there, perplexed.

After a few moments more, the woman stopped in front of Twilight.

“We will meet again, child,” she said.  “Your dream is ending soon, and it is time to wake.”

How did the woman know this was a dream?

“And one final thing,” the woman said, suddenly quite stern.  “Do not trust the being known as Flare Dancer.”

“Wait,” Twilight said.  “What’s wrong w--”

But it was too late.  Instantly, the woman vanished, leaving Twilight standing alone in the void, waiting to awaken only a few short moments later.

> 2017 April Fools Special - Dedicated to Nicholas Cage
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Twilight Sparkle Versus the Forces of Darkness
April Fools Special - Dedicated to Nicholas Cage


According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.  Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.  Ooh, black and yellow!  Let's shake it up a little.

Barry! Breakfast is ready!

Coming!  Hang on a second.  Hello?

- Barry?
- Adam?

- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.

Looking sharp.

Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.

Sorry. I'm excited.

Here's the graduate.

We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's.

Very proud.

Ma! I got a thing going here.

- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!

- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!

Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!

- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.

- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.

Never thought I'd make it.

Three days grade school,
three days high school.

Those were awkward.

Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.

You did come back different.

- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.

- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.

- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.

Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.

Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.

I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.

I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.

That's why we don't need vacations.

Boy, quite a bit of pomp…
under the circumstances.

- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!

- Bee-men.
- Amen!

Hallelujah!

Students, faculty, distinguished bees,

please welcome Dean Buzzwell.

Welcome, New Hive City
graduating class of…

…9:15.

That concludes our ceremonies.

And begins your career
at Honex Industries!

Will we pick our job today?

I heard it's just orientation.

Heads up! Here we go.

Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.

- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.

Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco

and a part of the Hexagon Group.

This is it!

Wow.

Wow.

We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life

to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.

Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.

Our top-secret formula

is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured

into this soothing sweet syrup

with its distinctive
golden glow you know as…

Honey!

- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!

- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.

- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive

to improve every aspect
of bee existence.

These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.

- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.

Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.

- What does that do?
- Patches that little strand of honey

that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.

Oan anyone work on the Krelman?

Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know

that every small job,
if it's done well, means a lot.

But choose carefully

because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.

The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.

What's the difference?

You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off

in 27 million years.

So you'll just work us to death?

We'll sure try.

Wow! That blew my mind!

“What's the difference?”
How can you say that?

One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.

I'm relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.

But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?

Why would you question anything?
We're bees.

We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.

You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?

Like what? Give me one example.

I don't know. But you know
what I'm talking about.

Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.

Wait a second. Oheck it out.

- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow.

I've never seen them this close.

They know what it's like
outside the hive.

Yeah, but some don't come back.

- Hey, Jocks!
- Hi, Jocks!

You guys did great!

You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!

- I wonder where they were.
- I don't know.

Their day's not planned.

Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.

You can't just decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.

Right.

Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.

It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.

Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.

Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?

Distant. Distant.

Look at these two.

- Couple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.

It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.

Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!

He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!

- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.

What were you doing during this?

Trying to alert the authorities.

I can autograph that.

A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?

Yeah. Gusty.

We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.

- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!

A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.

- Maybe I am.
- You are not!

We're going 0900 at J-Gate.

What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?

I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.

Hey, Honex!

Dad, you surprised me.

You decide what you're interested in?

- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.

Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?

Son, let me tell you about stirring.

You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.

You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.

You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,

maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.

You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?

That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.

Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!

- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.

You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!

- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!

Wait till you see the sticks I have.

I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!

Let's open some honey and celebrate!

Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.

Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”!

I'm so proud.

- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.

Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.

Yeah, right.

Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal…

- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!

One of them's yours! Congratulations!
Step to the side.

- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!

Wow!

Couple of newbies?

Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!

Make your choice.

- You want to go first?
- No, you go.

Oh, my. What's available?

Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.

- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.

I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.

Wax monkey's always open.

The Krelman opened up again.

What happened?

A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.

Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.

Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!

Oh, this is so hard!

Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,

humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,

mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should… Barry?

Barry!

All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine…

What happened to you?
Where are you?

- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?

- Out there.
- Oh, no!

I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.

You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?

Another call coming in.

If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd

that gets their roses today.

Hey, guys.

- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?

Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.

It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.

Really? Feeling lucky, are you?

Sign here, here. Just initial that.

- Thank you.
- OK.

You got a rain advisory today,

and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.

So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,

hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.

Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.

Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!

- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,

bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!

All right, launch positions!

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

Black and yellow!

Hello!

You ready for this, hot shot?

Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.

Wind, check.

- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.

- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.

Scared out of my shorts, check.

OK, ladies,

let's move it out!

Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!

All of you, drain those flowers!

Wow! I'm out!

I can't believe I'm out!

So blue.

I feel so fast and free!

Box kite!

Wow!

Flowers!

This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.

Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.

Roses!

30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.

Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.

That is one nectar collector!

- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.

I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,

a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.

That's amazing. Why do we do that?

That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.

Oool.

I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Could be daisies. Don't we need those?

Oopy that visual.

Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.

Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?

Affirmative.

That was on the line!

This is the coolest. What is it?

I don't know, but I'm loving this color.

It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.

Yeah, fuzzy.

Chemical-y.

Careful, guys. It's a little grabby.

My sweet lord of bees!

Oandy-brain, get off there!

Problem!

- Guys!
- This could be bad.

Affirmative.

Very close.

Gonna hurt.

Mama's little boy.

You are way out of position, rookie!

Ooming in at you like a missile!

Help me!

I don't think these are flowers.

- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.

What is this?!

Match point!

You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!

Yowser!

Gross.

There's a bee in the car!

- Do something!
- I'm driving!

- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!

He's going to sting me!

Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!

He blinked!

Spray him, Granny!

What are you doing?!

Wow… the tension level
out here is unbelievable.

I gotta get home.

Oan't fly in rain.

Oan't fly in rain.

Oan't fly in rain.

Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!

Ken, could you close
the window please?

Ken, could you close
the window please?

Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.

You see? Folds out.

Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.

What was that?

Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This…

Drapes!

That is diabolical.

It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.

What's number one? Star Wars?

Nah, I don't go for that…

…kind of stuff.

No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.

When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.

There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.

I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.

I predicted global warming.

I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.

Wait! Stop! Bee!

Stand back. These are winter boots.

Wait!

Don't kill him!

You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!

Why does his life have
less value than yours?

Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?

I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.

My brochure!

There you go, little guy.

I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.

Put that on your resume brochure.

My whole face could puff up.

Make it one of your special skills.

Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.

Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.

- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.

- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.

- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.

I gotta say something.

She saved my life.
I gotta say something.

Alright, here it goes.

Nah.

What would I say?

I could really get in trouble.

It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I've got to.

Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!

No. Yes. No.

Do it. I can't.

How should I start it?
“You like jazz?” No, that's no good.

Here she comes! Speak, you fool!

Hi!

I'm sorry.

- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.

You're talking!

I'm so sorry.

No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.

But I don't recall going to bed.

Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.

This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!

I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,

but they were all trying to kill me.

And if it wasn't for you…

I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.

That was a little weird.

- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.

I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!

I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.

- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?

The talking thing.

Same way you did, I guess.
“Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up.

- That's very funny.
- Yeah.

Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.

Anyway…

Oan I…

…get you something?
- Like what?

I don't know. I mean…
I don't know. Coffee?

I don't want to put you out.

It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.

- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.

- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.

Hey, you want rum cake?

- I shouldn't.
- Have some.

- No, I can't.
- Oome on!

I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.

- Where?
- These stripes don't help.

You look great!

I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.

Are you alright?

No.

He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.

He finally gets there.

He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.

And he says, “Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.

Why would I marry a watermelon?”

Is that a bee joke?

That's the kind of stuff we do.

Yeah, different.

So, what are you gonna do, Barry?

About work? I don't know.

I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.

I know how you feel.

- You do?
- Sure.

My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.

- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.

Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.

Anyway, if you look…

There's my hive right there. See it?

You're in Sheep Meadow!

Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!

No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.

- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?

- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.

- You alright, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.

Just having two cups of coffee!

Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.

Yeah, it's no trouble.

Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.

Are you…?

Oan I take a piece of this with me?

Sure! Here, have a crumb.

- Thanks!
- Yeah.

All right. Well, then…
I guess I'll see you around.

Or not.

OK, Barry.

And thank you
so much again… for before.

Oh, that? That was nothing.

Well, not nothing, but… Anyway…

This can't possibly work.

He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.

OK, Dave, pull the chute.

- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!

It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.

Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!

Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?

Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.

They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.

- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.

- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.

You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.

You had your “experience.” Now you
can pick out your job and be normal.

- Well…
- Well?

Well, I met someone.

You did? Was she Bee-ish?

- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.

- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.

I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.

I can't get by that face.

So who is she?

She's… human.

No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.

- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.

She's so nice. And she's a florist!

Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!

We're not dating.

You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes

with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!

She saved my life!
And she understands me.

This is over!

Eat this.

This is not over! What was that?

- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!

And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!

- You know what a Cinnabon is?
- No.

It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up…

Sit down!

…really hot!
- Listen to me!

We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!

Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?

There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!

You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!

- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.

Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

There he is. He's in the pool.

You know what your problem is, Barry?

I gotta start thinking bee?

How much longer will this go on?

It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?

I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.

What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!

Would it kill you
to make a little honey?

Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.

Martin, would you talk to him?

Barry, I'm talking to you!

You coming?

Got everything?

All set!

Go ahead. I'll catch up.

Don't be too long.

Watch this!

Vanessa!

- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.

He doesn't respond to yelling!

- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!

I'm not listening to this.

Sorry, I've gotta go.

- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.

A girl? Is this why you can't decide?

Bye.

I just hope she's Bee-ish.

They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?

To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!

Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.

A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?

No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?

It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.

Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
Alright, your turn.

TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!

You don't have that?

We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.

Oh, my.

Dumb bees!

You must want to sting all those jerks.

We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.

So you have to watch your temper.

Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,

write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:

Anger, jealousy, lust.

Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?

Yeah.

- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.

He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!

What was that? A Pic ‘N’ Save circular?

Yeah, it was. How did you know?

It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.

You've really got that
down to a science.

- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.

What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?

How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,

Ray Liotta Private Select?

- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.

- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.

You don't have
enough food of your own?

- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?

- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!

And it's hard to make it!

There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!

- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!

It's just honey, Barry.

Just what?!

Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!

You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!

And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.

I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!

Hey, Hector.

- You almost done?
- Almost.

He is here. I sense it.

Well, I guess I'll go home now

and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.

You're busted, box boy!

I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!

I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!

Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?

I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.

The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!

You're too late! It's ours now!

You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!

You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!

Where is the honey coming from?

Tell me where!

Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!

Orazy person!

What horrible thing has happened here?

These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now

they're on the road to nowhere!

Just keep still.

What? You're not dead?

Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?

To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.

I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!

I'm going to Tacoma.

- And you?
- He really is dead.

All right.

Uh-oh!

- What is that?!
- Oh, no!

- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?

Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!

Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!

How much do you people need to see?!

Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!

From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Carl Kasell.

But don't kill no more bugs!

- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!

- You hear something?
- Like what?

Like tiny screaming.

Turn off the radio.

Whassup, bee boy?

Hey, Blood.

Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.

Wow!

I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.

I mean, that honey's ours.

- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.

It's a close community.

Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.

- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.

Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!

At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.

Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.

Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.

You gotta be kidding me!

Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!

- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!

I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?

We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.

What is this place?

A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.

They are pinheads!

Pinhead.

- Check out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.

The Thomas 3000!

Smoker?

Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.

A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.

They make the honey,
and we make the money.

“They make the honey,
and we make the money”?

Oh, my!

What's going on? Are you OK?

Yeah. It doesn't last too long.

Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?

Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.

This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!

That's a drag queen!

What is this?

Oh, no!

There's hundreds of them!

Bee honey.

Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!

This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.

Oh, Barry, stop.

Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.

Do these look like rumors?

That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.

How did you get mixed up in this?

He's been talking to humans.

- What?
- Talking to humans?!

He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!

Make out? Barry!

We do not.

- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?

The bees!

I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.

Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?

I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!

Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked

your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.

I remember that.

What right do they have to our honey?

We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!

Even if it's true, what can one bee do?

Sting them where it really hurts.

In the face! The eye!

- That would hurt.
- No.

Up the nose? That's a killer.

There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.

Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.

No more bee beards!

With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.

Weather with Storm Stinger.

Sports with Buzz Larvi.

And Jeanette Chung.

- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Chung.

A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,

intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,

packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!

Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,

we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,

Classy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.

Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.

Did you ever think, “I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this”?

Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.

What about Bee Columbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?

Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.

We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.

How old are you?

The bee community
is supporting you in this case,

which will be the trial
of the bee century.

You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.

It's a common name. Next week…

He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots…

Next week…

Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard ‘em.

Bear Week next week!
They’re scary, hairy and here live.

Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.

In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!

It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.

Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?

Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.

- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!

I'm helping him sue the human race.

- Hello.
- Hello, bee.

This is Ken.

Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.

Why does he talk again?

Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.

But it's our yogurt night!

Bye-bye.

Why is yogurt night so difficult?!

You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!

Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.

- Frosting…
- How many sugars?

Just one. I try not
to use the competition.

So why are you helping me?

Bees have good qualities.

And it takes my mind off the shop.

Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.

Those are great, if you're three.

And artificial flowers.

- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.

Bent stingers, pointless pollination.

Bees must hate those fake things!

Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.

Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.

- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.

You sure you want to go through with it?

Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able

to say, “Honey, I'm home,”
without paying a royalty!

It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,

where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,

we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.

What have we gotten into here, Barry?

It's pretty big, isn't it?

I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.

You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?

Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.

- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.

Well, if it isn't the bee team.

You boys work on this?

All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.

All right. Oase number 4475,

Superior Court of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry

is now in session.

Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?

A privilege.

Mr. Benson… you're representing
all the bees of the world?

I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.

Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

my grandmother was a simple woman.

Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right

to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.

If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,

just think of what would it mean.

I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm

for the elastic in my britches!

Talking bee!

How do we know this isn't some sort of

holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?

They could be using laser beams!

Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,

he could be on steroids!

Mr. Benson?

Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.

I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.

It's important to all bees.
We invented it!

We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.

Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room

who think they can take it from us

'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,

you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have

but everything we are!

I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!

Oall your first witness.

So, Mr. Klauss Vanderheyden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.

I suppose so.

I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!

Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.

Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.

I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?

- No.
- I couldn't hear you.

- No.
- No.

Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,

it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.

They're very lovable creatures.

Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.

You mean like this?

Bears kill bees!

How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!

Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!

OK, that's enough. Take him away.

So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.

- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.

But you've never been
a police officer, have you?

No, I haven't.

No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example

of bee culture casually
stolen by a human

for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.

Oh, please.

Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?

Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.

Or should I say… Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!

That's not his real name?! You idiots!

Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on

your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.

Thank you. Thank you.

I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome

with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.

I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?

Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?

Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't

have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?

Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!

This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!

Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!

- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!

Order! Order, I say!

- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!

I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.

I think the jury's on our side.

Are we doing everything right, legally?

I'm a florist.

Right. Well, here's to a great team.

To a great team!

Well, hello.

- Ken!
- Hello.

I didn't think you were coming.

No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but… the battery.

I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.

Oh, that was lucky.

There's a little left.
I could heat it up.

Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.

So I hear you're quite a tennis player.

I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.

That's where I usually sit.
Right… there.

Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,

and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.

You think I don't see what you're doing?

I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.

Do we?

Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.

That's just what
I was thinking about doing.

Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.

I'm going to drain the old stinger.

Yeah, you do that.

Look at that.

You know, I've just about had it

with your little mind games.

- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.

Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.

A lot of ads.

Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?

Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!

I think something stinks in here!

I love the smell of flowers.

How do you like the smell of flames?!

Not as much.

Water bug! Not taking sides!

Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat!
This is pathetic!

I've got issues!

Well, well, well, a royal flush!

- You're bluffing.
- Am I?

Surf's up, dude!

Poo water!

That bowl is gnarly.

Except for those dirty yellow rings!

Kenneth! What are you doing?!

You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!

We need to talk!

He's just a little bee!

And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!

Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?

No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!

Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night…

My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!

Goodbye, Ken.

And for your information,

I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!

I'm sorry about all that.

I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!

I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.

I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.

Are you OK for the trial?

I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.

We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.

Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers…

Yeah.

Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic

with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.

Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around

is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.

- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?

Only to losing, son. Only to losing.

Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.

What exactly is your relationship

to that woman?

We're friends.

- Good friends?
- Yes.

How good? Do you live together?

Wait a minute…

Are you her little…

…bedbug?

I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,

doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?

- Yeah, but…
- So those aren't your real parents!

- Oh, Barry…
- Yes, they are!

Hold me back!

You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?

He's denouncing bees!

Don't y'all date your cousins?

- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!

Adam, don't! It's what he wants!

Oh, I'm hit!!

Oh, lordy, I am hit!

Order! Order!

The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!

I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!

You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!

Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!

- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.

What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison

from my heaving buttocks?

I will have order in this court. Order!

Order, please!

The case of the honeybees
versus the human race

took a pointed turn against the bees

yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.

- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.

I…

I blew the whole case, didn't I?

It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.

I'd be better off dead. Look at me.

They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.

Look, there's
a little celery still on it.

What was it like to sting someone?

I can't explain it. It was all…

All adrenaline and then…
and then ecstasy!

All right.

You think it was all a trap?

Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.

What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.

What will the humans do to us
if they win?

I don't know.

I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.

Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!

Oh, my.

Would you get a nurse
to close that window?

- Why?
- The smoke.

Bees don't smoke.

Right. Bees don't smoke.

Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.

That's it! That's our case!

It is? It's not over?

Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.

Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.

And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.

Mr. Flayman.

Yes? Yes, Your Honor!

Where is the rest of your team?

Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.

Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,

and as a result,
we don't make very good time.

I actually heard a funny story about…

Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs

taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?

How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?

They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges

against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.

I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!

Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going

to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.

But you can't! We have a terrific case.

Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?

Show me the smoking gun!

Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?

Here is your smoking gun.

What is that?

It's a bee smoker!

What, this?
This harmless little contraption?

This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.

Look at what has happened

to bees who have never been asked,
“Smoking or non?”

Is this what nature intended for us?

To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines

and man-made wooden slat work camps?

Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?

- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.

Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!

Free the bees! Free the bees!

Free the bees!

Free the bees! Free the bees!

The court finds in favor of the bees!

Vanessa, we won!

I knew you could do it! High-five!

Sorry.

I'm OK! You know what this means?

All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.

Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.

This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.

You'll regret this.

Barry, how much honey is out there?

All right. One at a time.

Barry, who are you wearing?

My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.

- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?

We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.

Congratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?

First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.

Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,

every last drop.

We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more

than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.

We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.

Wait for my signal.

Take him out.

He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.

And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames…

But it's just a prance-about stage name!

…unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products

and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.

Can't breathe.

Bring it in, boys!

Hold it right there! Good.

Tap it.

Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!

- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.

Shut down honey production!

Stop making honey!

Turn your key, sir!

What do we do now?

Cannonball!

We're shutting honey production!

Mission abort.

Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.

Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.

Oh, yeah?

What's going on? Where is everybody?

- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.

They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.

I heard your Uncle Earl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.

At least we got our honey back.

Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?

It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.

This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.

And now…

Now I can't.

I don't understand
why they're not happy.

I thought their lives would be better!

They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.

You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?

- What did you want to show me?
- This.

What happened here?

That is not the half of it.

Oh, no. Oh, my.

They're all wilting.

Doesn't look very good, does it?

No.

And whose fault do you think that is?

You know, I'm gonna guess bees.

Bees?

Specifically, me.

I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.

It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.

That's our whole SAT test right there.

Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.

And then, of course…

The human species?

So if there's no more pollination,

it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?

I know this is also partly my fault.

How about a suicide pact?

How do we do it?

- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- That Just kills you twice.

Right, right.

Listen, Barry…
sorry, but I gotta get going.

I had to open my mouth and talk.

Vanessa?

Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?

To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.

They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.

It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.

Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.

I know. Me neither.

Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.

Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?

Roses!

Vanessa!

Roses?!

Barry?

- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.

Flowers, bees, pollen!

I know.
That's why this is the last parade.

Maybe not.
Could you ask him to slow down?

Would you slow down?

Barry!

OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.

Yes, it kind of is.

I've ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you

with the flower shop.
I've made it worse.

Actually, it's completely closed down.

I thought maybe you were remodeling.

But I have another idea, and it's
greater than my previous ideas combined.

I don't want to hear it!

All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.

I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.

All we gotta do is get what they've got
back here with what we've got.

- Bees.
- Park.

- Pollen!
- Flowers.

- Repollination!
- Across the nation!

Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, California.

They've got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.

Security will be tight.

I have an idea.

Vanessa Bloome, FTD.

Official floral business. It's real.

Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.

Thank you. It was a gift.

Once inside,
we just pick the right float.

How about The Princess and the Pea?

I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!

Yes, I got it.

- Where should I sit?
- What are you?

- I believe I'm the pea.
- The pea?

It goes under the mattresses.

- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
- I'm getting the marshal.

You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!

Let's see what this baby'll do.

Hey, what are you doing?!

Then all we do
is blend in with traffic…

…without arousing suspicion.

Once at the airport,
there's no stopping us.

Stop! Security.

- You and your insect pack your float?
- Yes.

Has it been
in your possession the entire time?

Would you remove your shoes?

- Remove your stinger.
- It's part of me.

I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.

Then if we're lucky, we'll have
just enough pollen to do the job.

Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!

I think this is gonna work.

It's got to work.

Attention, passengers,
this is Captain Scott.

We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.

It looks like we'll experience
a couple hours delay.

Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it.

I gotta get up there
and talk to them.

Be careful.

Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?

I'd like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.

Captain, I'm in a real situation.

- What'd you say, Hal?
- Nothing.

Bee!

Don't freak out! My entire species…

What are you doing?

- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
- Who's an attorney?

Don't move.

Oh, Barry.

Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.

Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?

And please hurry!

What happened here?

There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.

One's bald, one's in a boat,
they're both unconscious!

- Is that another bee joke?
- No!

No one's flying the plane!

This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status?

This is Vanessa Bloome.
I'm a florist from New York.

Where's the pilot?

He's unconscious,
and so is the copilot.

Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?

As a matter of fact, there is.

- Who's that?
- Barry Benson.

From the honey trial?! Oh, great.

Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.

It's got giant wings, huge engines.

I can't fly a plane.

- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
- Yes.

How hard could it be?

Wait, Barry!
We're headed into some lightning.

This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,

where a suspenseful scene
is developing.

Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory…

That's Barry!

…is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers

and an incapacitated flight crew.

Flowers?!

We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls

with absolutely no flight experience.

Just a minute.
There's a bee on that plane.

I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.

They've done enough damage.

But isn't he your only hope?

Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all.

Their wings are too small…

Haven't we heard this a million times?

“The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense.”

- Get this on the air!
- Got it.

- Stand by.
- We're going live.

The way we work may be a mystery to you.

Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.

But let me tell you about a small job.

If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.

More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.

That's why I want to get bees
back to working together.

That's the bee way!
We're not made of Jell-O.

We get behind a fellow.

- Black and yellow!
- Hello!

Left, right, down, hover.

- Hover?
- Forget hover.

This isn't so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!

Barry, what happened?!

Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.

- That may have been helping me.
- And now we're not!

So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.

All of you, let's get
behind this fellow! Move it out!

Move out!

Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!

Don't have to yell.

I'm not yelling!
We're in a lot of trouble.

It's very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!

It's not a tone. I'm panicking!

I can't do this!

Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!

You snap out of it.

You snap out of it.

- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!

- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!

- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!

- Hold it!
- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.

How is the plane flying?

I don't know.

Hello?

Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?

The Pollen Jocks!

They do get behind a fellow.

- Black and yellow.
- Hello.

All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop.

Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?

No, nothing. It's all cloudy.

Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.

- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.

Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

Wait a minute.
I think I'm feeling something.

- What?
- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.

Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.

Bring the nose down.

Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

- What in the world is on the tarmac?
- Get some lights on that!

Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!

- Vanessa, aim for the flower.
- OK.

Out the engines. We're going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?

Affirmative!

Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.

Land on that flower!

Ready? Full reverse!

Spin it around!

- Not that flower! The other one!
- Which one?

- That flower.
- I'm aiming at the flower!

That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower

made of millions of bees!

Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.

Rotate around it.

- This is insane, Barry!
- This's the only way I know how to fly.

Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?

Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!

Just drop it. Be a part of it.

Aim for the center!

Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!

Oome on, already.

Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!

- Yes. No high-five!
- Right.

Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?

What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!

- Thank you.
- But we're not done yet.

Listen, everyone!

This runway is covered
with the last pollen

from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.

That means this is our last chance.

We're the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.

If we're gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?

Are we going to be bees, or just
Museum of Natural History keychains?

We're bees!

Keychain!

Then follow me! Except Keychain.

Hold on, Barry. Here.

You've earned this.

Yeah!

I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.

Oh, yeah.

That's our Barry.

Mom! The bees are back!

If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time.

I got a feeling we'll be
working late tonight!

Here's your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?

Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.

Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
And I don't see a nickel!

Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!

I had no idea.

Barry, I'm sorry.
Have you got a moment?

Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.

Sorry I'm late.

He's a lawyer too?

I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.

Have a great afternoon!

Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can't get them anywhere.

No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.

You're a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who's next?

All right, scramble, jocks!
It's time to fly.

Thank you, Barry!

That bee is living my life!

Let it go, Kenny.

- When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go.

- Beautiful day to fly.
- Sure is.

Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.

You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.

- Thinking bee!
- Me?

Hold it. Let's just stop
for a second. Hold it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?

I'm not making a major life decision
during a production number!

All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.