Nothing You Can Do About It
The final boss. The one that took you days upon days of binging to get to. The one that is said to be the hardest of any game, no matter what you’re playing.
Whether you reach there alone, or with a team, it feels like a huge burden has been lifted off of your shoulders.
I got to the final boss once. It wasn’t very entertaining.
“Yes!” I yelled, ecstatic to have reached the base of Canterlot Castle. This was no simple feat. I had to fight my way from Las Pegasus as an aimless drunk and transform myself into a humble knight before my daughter was executed! Or, so the story goes.
In reality, I’m just a guy who enjoys video games. Fluttershy lets me stay at her house and plug in whenever. Twilight says it’s too loud, Rarity says it’s unbecoming of her to allow violence in her boutique, Applejack doesn’t have electricity, Rainbow Dash doesn’t have a home, and Pinkie is too good at this game already.
“Okay then,” I paused the game, adjusted my headset, and looked at the description. “Infiltrate the Castle!” I repeated and unpaused. “Let’s go kick some-”
Suddenly, about 50 or so skeletal guards appeared, each one holding a legendary artifact of some kind. I could’ve sworn I saw the Binder of Excessive Organization or the Textbook of Unyielding Boredom in there somewhere. I knew I’d be okay, though. I clicked a button and withdrew my own weapon.
“All of you!” I said. “Bend before the Alterer of Realities! The Ruler of the Multiverse!” In my hand, I held a pair of socks. Old dingy ones, too. That was just a front, though. Once I put them on my hands, they grew to suit me like a pair of ultimate battle armor. I used my fists, now covered in dragon scale level armor, and smashed each and every skeleton to bits.
“How entertaining,” said a slithery voice. It almost sounded real. In a puff of smoke, a long, slender being appeared. He looked like a cross between different animals. Kind of like my mother’s dinner.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“Who am I?” he asked . “Am I really that obscure? How many Draconequus do you know?”
“Uh, zero,” I answered. “I mean, one now, I guess.”
“Discord? Lord of Chaos? Ringing any bells?” He proceeded to conjure up three bells and ring them loudly.
“Well, those bells,” I said, pointing at them. “Anyway, I assume you’re some kind of mid-boss?”
“Mid-boss?” He snapped his fingers, making the space between me and him grow. “Me? A mid-boss? I’ll show you an actual mid-boss!” Cerberus sprouted from the ground and gave a hearty roar. Discord stood atop a large throne.
“Well, uh…” I said. “That sucks.”
Cerberus rushed forward, his three heads snapping violently. I reared back my fist and jumped towards the creature.
I smacked it so hard that it died to death.
Quickly, I made for Discord. Of course, he had to make it difficult and continue to stretch out the landscape. I stopped and frowned at him.
“I’m kinda trying to get to you,” I said. “It’d be nice if you could knock it off.”
“But isn’t this all so fun?” he asked. “You, the hero, trying to topple me, The Lord of Chaos? It all sounds like something out of a storybook. Or a video game?” In the short moments when he wasn’t paying attention, I’d gained distance, and was now moments away from punching him through the back of his chair.
“Mid-boss #1,” I said, bringing my fist into his midsection. “Down!”
“Oh my Celestia!” said Fluttershy, breaking my flow of concentration. I turned around to find Fluttershy watching intently as I played. “Did you just kill Discord?!”
“I think so-”
“B-But that’s so cruel!” she complained.
“He tried to kill me,” I said. “Plus, it’s just a game. If he’s a real person… or draconequus, I’m sure he’s fine.”
Just then, a flash of white light appeared in Fluttershy’s house. Discord appeared, with a frown, making me jump up.
“Well that was anticlimactic,” he said, dejectedly. “You’d think I’d go out with more of a bang than a whimper. Oh well. Maybe the others will be more entertaining.” Before I could say a word, Fluttershy grabbed the creature in her vice grip called a hug.
“Discord!” she exclaimed. “You had me worried sick! Don’t you dare go fighting dragon scale monsters ever again!”
“Okay, Fluttershy,” he said. “I suppose that if it is for you, I can refrain.” He attempted to snap his fingers and teleport, but Fluttershy’s grip broke his concentration. “Um, Fluttershy?”
“Yes, Discord?”
“You’re crushing my spine.”
“You uh…” I said. ‘Having a little bit of trouble there?”
“Nonsense,” said Discord. “I can break this hold.”
“You can’t break that hold”
Discord proceeded to grunt loudly as he tried to manually slip through Fluttershy’s grasp. I shook my head and returned to the floor.
"How is it that you're here, anyway?" I asked.
"Well," said Discord, still struggling. "There is someone behind this. They locked us all in that video game, only to be released when defeated."
"Then why not just let me defeat you?" I asked. "Then, you'd be free in no time."
"Well, that's no fun," he said. "Besides, the person watching us already thought of something like that. If the battle was not to her liking, she will keep us captive."
"Who is 'she'?"
"Ah, ah, aaaahhh," said Discord. "No spoilers." I facepalmed and sighed, returning to my game.
“Now, where was I?” I asked, walking through the doors of the castle. The halls were oddly empty. Not very appealing for a final level. There was some kind of low buzzing, though. As I traversed the long hallways, the buzzing got louder and louder. I was a little uneasy since nothing was happening.
“It’s her turn, is it?” said Discord. “Let me give you some advice. Check your pause menu.” I raised an eyebrow and checked the objective.
“Don’t look up,” I repeated. “What’s up?” I unpaused and immediately broke the game’s instructions.
Eyes. Thousands of beady, blue eyes. All of them were attached to millions of buzzing changelings that hung from the ceiling.
“Damn,” I said.
They converged on me, covering me in a matter of seconds. My arms could bat a few at a time. Slowly, my heath bar was going down.
“This is super unfair!” I yelled. Surprisingly, the changelings stopped their assault for a few seconds before continuing.
“Fluttershy, cover your ears.”
“Why?” she asked, adapting the hugging position on Discord.
“Because I’m about to scream.” I took in a lungful of air and proceeded to scream. “HEY, MISTER! DON’T TOUCH ME THERE! THAT IS MY NO-NO SQUARE!”
I continued this on loop until the mass of the changelings was defeated. While Fluttershy was blushing and letting her mind wander to God knows where, Discord was laughing to no end. Soon, the rest of the changelings scuttled away.
“Whew,” I said, after finishing. “That was stressing. Welp, time to find the mid-boss.” I walked a few steps, turned the corner, and found a pulsating pony like thing floating in the middle of the hallway. The immense power coming from it didn’t make a single sound, surprisingly. Once it saw me, it stopped it’s light show.
“A human?” asked the creature. "How did you get past Discord?”
“Watch this one,” said Discord. “He’s got the power of a bull.”
“Discord!” I yelled. “Aren’t you on my team?”
“I helped you, so should I extend the same courtesy to a comrade?”
“His strength is nothing compared to mine, I’m sure,” said the womanly voice.
“This mid-boss has got an ego,” I said. “Do you have a name, or should I just keep calling you mid-boss?”
“My name is Chrysalis, mother of all-”
“I’m gonna call you Chryssi.” She flared with green flames.
“You are not allowed to simply nickname me, human!” she yelled.
“So, Chryssi,” I said. “What kind of power do you have?”
“Sounds like a cute pet name,” said Discord. He snapped his fingers and Chryssi was dressed in a catsuit. “Chryssi the House Cat suits you much better.” The suit was burned off of her skin a few moments.
“I will end you, Discord,” said Chryssi.
“You’re gonna have to die first,” said Discord. Chryssi’s health bar appeared.
“I’ll be happy to oblige,” I said, jumping at her. She flicked her hoof at me, sending a gout of fire in my direction. While that was easily dodged, the back hoof wasn’t. My health diminished to a lower point. Luckily, I had a vial of liquid ambrosia. My health skyrocketed to its fullest.
“What’s this?” asked Chryssi. “What kind of trickery is this?”
“It’s healing,” I explained. “It fully heals me whenever I’m close to death.”
“Come now, Chryssi,” said Discord with a shake of the head. “Surely you are at least partially educated in this jargon?”
“How many of these ‘healings’ do you have?” asked Chryssi.
“About 34,” I said.
“Well, that’s overpowered…” she said. I ran at her again, dodged the gout of fire, and grabbed her hoof.
“Gotcha,” I said.
“Owowowow!” she yelled. “Your armor is digging into my hoof!” She proceeded to complain as I spun her around and around and around.
Like a record, baby.
Finally, I threw her to the ground, shattering her entire figure. Almost immediately afterward, her body disappeared into smoke. Almost immediately after that, a small pop could be heard in the kitchen. An enraged Chryssi walked up to me and placed her hoof on my chest, pushing me to the ground.
“Filthy human!” said yelled. “My name is Chrysalis! Chrys-A-LIS!” She jabbed the hoof into my chest.
“You’re really going to crush my ribs because you lost in a video game?” I asked.
“Well…” she alleviated the pressure off of my chest. “Nevermind that! You put me in a catsuit!”
“Discord put you in a catsuit,” I said. “And to be fair, it was hilarious.”
“He’s not wrong,” said Discord.
“If it’s any consolation,” I said “I’m sorry for killing you… in a video game.”
“Okay now,” said Discord, snapping his fingers. Chryssi teleported next to him. “Can’t we all just get along?”
“Wait, you can use your magic?” I asked. ‘Why not just teleport out of Fluttershy’s monster grip?”
“I have to admit,” he said. “It’s gotten pretty comfortable here.”
“Okay..." I leaned up and turned back to the game. "So, who’s next?” I ran past Chryssi’s boss fight and proceeded down the hallways. In a few moments, I came to a door. “I-Is this the final boss?”
“Menu,” said Discord. I clicked the pause button and read the objective.
“Look closer,” I repeated. “What does that mean?” I got closer to the door and watched it slowly disappear. Behind it, was an infinitely long hallway. “The door doesn’t even exist?”
“Apparently not,” said Chryssi speaking up. “This can only be an illusion cast by him.”
“Him?”
“Spoiler alert!” yelled Discord.
“But I didn’t-”
“SPOILERS!”
“Okay, I’ll be quiet!” said Chryssi, putting on a pouting face.
I continued through the hallway on high alert. I was ready for anything to pop out at me at any time.
I wasn’t ready for the wall, though.
I blinked a few times and found that there was a wall right in front of me. I raised an eyebrow and turned to the left, finding the hallway continued that way.
“Well this is weird,” I commented. “These are illusions, right?” Chryssi looked like she was going to open her mouth, but closed it soon afterward.
“T-this may be a little weird,” said Fluttershy. “But… why don’t you close your eyes?”
“Close my eyes?” I repeated. “ I can’t close my character’s eyes.”
“Oh…”
“Hm,” I said. “There might be something there, though.” I closed my eyes and my controller started to vibrate weakly. As I moved forward, the controller started to vibrate more. “Hey, it’s working.”
I followed the vibrations until they got to a hand numbing point. Suddenly, the controller stopped. I was reluctant to open my eyes. I pressed the pause button.
“Fluttershy?” I called. “What does this say?”
“Open up your eyes,” she said. “And fight.”
I opened my eyes to a large wall of darkness. I walked toward it and passed into a hallway covered with black. Everything was outlined in a shade of darkness. At the end stood a pony with green eyes and red pupils.
“Uh…” I said. “Is it me, or does this guy look like he’s the real deal?”
“Sombra, King of Shadows,” said Chryssi. “He’s the embodiment of the shadows. Tread lightly around him.”
“Thanks, Chryssi,” I said, ignoring her grunt of dissatisfaction. I walked forward slowly, keeping my fists up. Soon, he was in striking range. I pulled my fist back and punched the figure. It disappeared into smoke and reappeared a few feet away.
I spent the next ten minutes running around trying to hit him. Chryssi face hooved before calling me out on it.
“Don’t you think that if he was meant to be defeated that way, you’d be doing damage?”
“Hey, this game has no stamina bar,” I said. “I could do this all day.”
“At least check the objective,” she advised. I paused my game and read the objective.
“I dunno,” I read. “Well isn’t that just amazing advice!?” Just as I started griping about how garbage the advice was, Sombra’s health bar appeared at the bottom of the screen and the figure started moving.
“Watch yourself!” yelled Chryssi. Sombra drew a long, slender scythe from virtually nowhere and jumped into the air, eager to cut me down with it. Once I pressed the pause button, however, his model froze in midair.
“Wait a second,” I said. “Do I have to fight him in the pause menu?”
“That’s highly unorthodox,” said Discord with a smile. “But also highly entertaining.”
I backed up and got into a good position. Then, I paused the game. All of the menu options were replaced with “punch”, “kick” and “special”. I moved around the hallway normally, allowing me to fight the shadowy figure.
He was tough. His slices were deadly yet very fast. I’d attacked him a few times, but I always walked away with less health. Once, I tried to heal, but before I could drink the bottle, he sliced it, dropping all liquid to the ground.
“Aw, come on!” yelled Chryssi. “Could I have done that?”
“I suppose so,” I said, getting in the zone. “Now this is a mid-boss! Testing my skill!” I ran forwards and dodged a swipe from Sombra and brought a heavy fist to his side, knocking him over. I kicked the scythe from his magic and pushed him to the ground. I pulled up my fist, and brought it onto his underbelly, dropping his health bar down to zero. Once his body disappeared, a small white light could be found in his place. I reached down for it and changed the entire hallway back to normal. On the bottom of my screen displayed a few words.
“Scythe?” said Chryssi. “He dropped his weapon?”
“Yeah,” I said, gripping the handle in both hands. “You and Discord didn’t have weapons to drop, I guess.” Suddenly, a box of darkness covered part of Fluttershy’s living room, and the King of Shadows appeared. He looked around the room, shook his head, and took a seat behind Discord without a word.
“Welcome,” said Discord. “Would you like a cold beer?” He grimaced at Discord.
“Does he ever… talk?” I asked.
“I don’t think so,” said Chryssi.
“Meghan never wrote him any lines, I suppose,” said Discord.
“Okay then,” I said, turning back to my game. “Whatever that means, I won’t ponder on it. I’ve got more mid-bosses to ruin.” I could feel the collective stares of Chryssi, Sombra, and Discord on my neck. “Er… more mid-bosses to befriend. Yeah.”
I ran past Sombra’s hallway and continued. I could feel the game coming to an end. All I had to do was finish the last boss. It was getting tedious to fight a mid-boss every three seconds.
When I rounded the corner, a hulking red centaur was staring at me. He didn’t look happy in the slightest. Behind him was a set of doors with a distinct sun logo.
“The final boss doors!” I said. “Finally, I’ve made it.”
“Almost, human,” said the centaur. “I wonder what a human who’s had all hope ripped from their grasp looks like? Let’s find out.” For his size, he lunged pretty far up into the air. When he came down, he seemed like he was trying to crush me. I jumped out of the way, letting him break apart the ground around his fists.
“Close,” I said, jumping onto his back. “But I’ve wasted just about enough time on you. That being a few seconds.” I pulled out Sombra’s scythe and brought it down powerfully on the centaur’s neck.
The blade broke.
“Ahahah!” said the centaur. “You think this puny blade will hurt me?”
“Tirek is what we like to call a boring character,” said Discord. “His power is brute strength, his goal is world domination.” Discord sighed. “A character you’d see out of any storybook.”
“Or a video game?" I mocked. "Do you, perchance, dislike Tirek?” I jumped away.
“He used me,” said Discord. “He gets no pity.”
“Okay then,” I said, punching Tirek’s fist, pushing him back a bit. Both of us lost health. “I can go all out on him, then?”
“If going all out means flailing your arms aimlessly, then by all means!” he said, launching another fist at me. I paused the game and got up.
“I need something to drink,” I said with a yawn. Their eyes followed me as I went into the kitchen and pulled open the fridge. I retrieved a smoothie. I sipped on it while watching the three bosses watch me.
“Such a… peculiar thing to drink at a time like this, don’t you think?” commented Chryssi. Discord sniffed the air.
“Is that… wheatgrass?” He sniffed some more. “And maybe some kale?” Sombra simply shook his head.
“And that’s my smoothie…” said Fluttershy quietly.
“It soothes my nerves,” I said. “And I’ll make you another one later, Flutters.” Once I finished off the smoothie, I put it in the sink and walked over to the TV screen, sitting back down and unpausing the game.
Quickly, I dodged his fist and ran up to him. My muscles were moving exactly the way I wanted them to, allowing me to use the controller in precision. After a punch from Tirek landed on my stomach, I grabbed his wrist and swung him into the wall next to me. Without letting go, I slammed him into the other wall. Then, I swung around and sent him flying into the doors, breaking them down and finishing the boss off.
Without even looking, I knew that Tirek appeared behind us, hulking in the living room. The only reason he could stand was because Fluttershy had some kind of bigger-on-the-inside technology so that her birds could fly inside.
“Okay, final boss time,” I said, running in. “Tirek, sit down, shut up, grab a bag of popcorn if you must, I’m not taking bull crap right now.”
“W-well then,” said his deep voice. “I’ll just stay here then.”
“L-let’s all be nice, now…” said Fluttershy, timidly.
I walked into the doors and was met with a glowing angel. Her coat, wings, and horn were all white. Her eyes were magenta and by her side was a longsword. It was enveloped in yellow light and drawn. No small talk. No banter about status. Just right to the action.
This had to be the final boss.
“Princess Celestia?” asked Fluttershy. “She’s the final boss?”
“Apparently,” I said. “Now let me teach you all something I’ve learned while playing this game.” I announced, both in game and in reality. “If you take games seriously, you get the equipment needed.” I unplugged the remote and rolled it up.
“What’s wrong?” asked Fluttershy. “Are you leaving so soon?”
“Nope,” I said. “Just playing correctly.” I reached behind the TV and retrieved a new controller. This one spanned over my entire lap and had all different kinds of buttons to do all different types of things. I plugged it in and leaned forward. “Now then. Let’s fight.”
The first thing she did was set her sword alight. While it was unexpected, it was far from unadaptable. Besides, dragon armor is resistant to heat. I caught the sword in my left hand and returned with a heavy right hook. She jumped back to avoid the punch but stood still afterward. She closed her eyes and sheathed her sword.
My entire left hand was encased in flames.
“Holy flames,” I said, watching as my armor melted away to the socks they were made of. “Damn, I didn’t think of that.”
“S-so you’ve lost?” said Fluttershy. “After all this?”
“Hah,” I said. “Of course not. I’m the humble knight remember? What kind of knight goes into a fight with only his fists?” I withdrew from my pocket a small pocket watch. I opened it and read the time. “6:45. Darkness reigns.” I wrapped it around my hand and wrist. My entire arm was transformed into a gauntlet equipped with a black longsword of my own.
“A blade of night?” asked Chryssi. “I see what you did there.”
“It was quite clever,” said Discord.
“That’s not…” I sighed. “Nevermind.” Celestia withdrew her sword once more, matching my own. We approached each other quickly, light collapsing the dark and the dark consuming the light. Neither of us was landing a legitimate hit. To switch things up, I backed up a bit.
I grabbed the blade with my other hand and brought it down on Celestia, taking a chunk of her health away. Before I knew it, a chunk of my health was gone too.
“The fight’s close,” I said, clashing with her sword. “But-” I stepped forwards, swiped her sword away, and sliced upwards, cutting into her health. When she tried to follow up, I ducked under her, jumped up into the air, and brought the sword down on her back, killing her off.
Or, so I thought. Her body erupted into holy flames, taking a lot of my health away. After I backed up, the pocket watch disappeared and I had to drink some ambrosia. Celestia herself was flying now, her body surrounded with flying swords. Her hair was flames and she was surrounded by the same flame.
“Okay, Fluttershy,” I said. ‘Now I’ve lost.”
“Such a shame, too,” said Discord.
“Truly,” said Chryssi. Sombra shook his head.
“So what happens now?” asked Tirek.
“We win,” said Fluttershy, trotting up to the game. She grabbed my discarded controller and plugged it into the P2 slot. “I don’t want my smoothie to be tainted with your salt.”
“Fluttershy, have you ever played this game?” I asked.
“Of course,” the screen split in two and her avatar appeared. “Pinkie taught me.”
Fluttershy was the exact same as she is in real life. I mean, she was more of a muscled monster wearing a green and yellow striped suit, but other than that, the exact same. Celestia recognized her as a threat and turned towards her, firing four swords. They each punctured her, but her health didn’t even move. She jumped up and delivered a jump kick to the princess, sending her crashing to the ground.
“Whoa,” I said. “You just ascended on my cool list, Fluttershy.”
“T-thank you,” she said with a blush. I looked in my inventory and found things that wouldn’t really aid me here. Then, I found an item called “worthless shield”. I shrugged and grabbed it.
“What in God’s name are you going to do with that?” asked Chryssi.
“Something not many people know,” I said, rushing towards the fallen Celestia.While she tried to ascend, I smacked her with the shield, sending her high into the air. "Shields are overpowered!" I rushed forward a little more then put my shield straight up. “Fluttershy! Vault!” She did as I asked and bounced off of my shield into the air. I watched as she wrapped Celestia in her arms, leaned back and plummeted to the ground.
“Wrestling Finisher!” yelled Fluttershy epically. “GERMAN SUPLEX!”
The entire room exploded as Celestia was defeated. Her entire health bar diminished into nothing, and the message flashed across the screen. I jumped up into the air when I read it.
“YEAH!” I yelled. “FINAL BOSS, DEFEATED!” I yelled and laughed at me and Fluttershy’s victory. We finally did it!
“Uh,” said Chryssi. “You, uh, might want to take another look at the screen.
“What do you mean?” I asked. “We won!”
“Truly, misreading is something that affects all of us,” said Discord.
“M-misreading?” I said. “What did I misread?”
“Take a look,” said Tirek pointing at the screen. I looked at the screen and reread it.
Final mid-boss defeated.
Final… mid-boss defeated.
“Get rekt, son,” said Sombra with a smile.
“Sorry Anon,” said Fluttershy. "Looks like the final boss is just up ahead, though! We’re almost there.” I sat back down and looked to the ground. I picked up my discarded controller and continued.
Just then, a pop of bright white light surged inside of the room. I didn’t even look back.
“Well done,” said the voice. “I’ve never been bested in such a manner.” Celestia walked to my right and sat. “Well, what are you waiting for? Onto the next boss.”
“Okay…” I walked forwards and found my child in a small blue bubble. She was a gray pony with yellow eyes and a bubble cutie mark. Once she saw me, she smiled.
“So, you’ve gotten here,” said a voice. It seemed more amused than scary. I looked beside my daughter and met eyes with a dark blue pony. She was smiling behind her forcefield. “So, what will you do now?”
“Uh…” I said tiredly. “Fight you?”
“You must know that is impossible,” she explained. “How can you beat me, Luna, who is immortal?”
“What do you mean?”
“I am the final boss,” said Luna. “I am the one you have to defeat in order to get your child back. However, I am immortal.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do about that?”
“Cope with the circumstances,” she advised.
“She’s telling you to deal with it,” said Celestia in my ear.
“I know what she’s telling me,” I said. “What I’m saying is that’s garbage. How am I supposed to finish the game?”
“There is one way,” said Luna.
“And that is?”
“You find the item you need in New Game Plus-”
“Screw. This. Game.”