Rocks
Shit like this only happens once in your life.
Unless, of course, you’re me. I just wanted to buy pears. Trying to eat right, lose weight, the usual. I never asked for this. That’s what I get for eating healthy, I guess. But, at least, I learned something through it.
Ponyville is a weird fucking place.
“I saw what happened between you and Fluttershy,” said the gray pony in monotone. “I thought it looked pretty fun.”
“You don’t sound like you had fun,” I commented. “And why not go to Fluttershy? Aren’t you better friends with her?”
“She said that she was busy,” she said simply. “Besides, you were the one who won the battle anyway.”
“I’m not really up for another battle,” I said, dodging her advances. “You know? I have a ton of things to do, anyway.”
“Name one.”
“Well, I can’t think of one off of the top of my head…” I responded.
“What’s the matter?” asked Pinkie Pie, coming out of bumfuck Egypt. “Too scaaaared?”
“No, it’s just-”
“You hear that, Maud?” asked Pinkie Pie. “I think a major herd of chickens is coming into town, with Anon as their leader.”
“But that doesn’t even make any-”
“The rocks are amused,” said Maud. “That is to say your joke rocked.”
“Why do you even want me to rap, Pinkie?” I asked.
“Well, duh. It’s fun!” she said. “So, I convinced my sister Maud to try it out.”
“This mare is your sister?” I asked perplexed. “But she’s so… different.”
“How so?” asked Pinkie.
“You’re overjoyed 24/7 while she seems like she’s on permanent chill.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Maud. “I’m completely bubbling with joy.”
“Of course, you are.” I sighed. “Anyway, I’m not going to do any more raps.”
“Aw, come ooooooon!” pleaded Pinkie. “Just one more time?”
“Nah,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ve made up my mind.”
“I will give you all of the candy,” offered Pinkie.
“I don’t have much of a sweet tooth,” I said with a shrug.
“I’ll pay your taxes!”
“Can you even hold a pen?”
“I will murder your entire family if you do not rap battle my sister,” said Pinkie, a big, goofy grin on her face.
“Fuck my family.” I turned around, my arms crossed. I was putting my foot down, and I was not about to bend the knee to a little pink pony.
“Anonymous, we’ve only just met, so you don’t know the extent of my power,” said Maud creepily. “If you do not battle me, I will personally ensure that there is always a small, kind of pointy rock, in your shoe at all times.”
My blood turned to ice. I felt my heart take refuge someplace in my throat, my most unconventional fears realized.
“Pinkie?” I said carefully. “Kick a phat beat.”
“That’s the spirit, Anon!” said Pinkie, bringing a turntable into the crowded market I was standing in, an already ready Spike standing on top of them. He was wearing shutter shades.
“I’m on with you this time, Spike!” exclaimed Pinkie. “Play that sweet track!”
“Got you,” he said, playing a track. I was ready for it this time. Unfortunately, Maud took point.
Metamorphic, Igneous, or Sedimentary.
Battling against you? Ha. Elementary.
I’m the biggest of the rocks. Just call me a Boulder.
What you said was pretty cool, but me? I’m colder.
My rhymes take to the air like Icarian flight.
Your rhymes are worthless like a fool’s gold: pyrite
Now let’s talk about you since I’m not a narcissist.
You don’t look so impressive. You’re far from marvelous.
I apparently “spit fire”, but I swear I’m not an arsonist.
And fill these streets with my poisonous words: arsenic.
I stood mouth agape as she finished her verse. She walked up and placed a mic in my hands.
“It was just… about rocks,” I said. “How would you make a rap so long just about rocks?”
“It’s my passion,” she said flatly.
‘I guess,” I said. “Well, remember, no hard feelings.”
You’re rapping about rocks, but your rhymes are far from being hard.
I can see you have some lines, but you’re far from a bard.
This is only the first verse, so I advise you keep up your guard.
Lest I burn you with my words, leave the whole crowed charred.
You’re coming in as a close second: silver.
You’re mistaken. My lines are as cold as the wrap-up of winter.
I’ve already won once against Fluttershy: easy.
Need a bag? I can see my raps are making you queasy.
Smile once in awhile. You’re scaring me off.
You’re personality’s as dry as your jokes. Cough, cough.
My name is Anonymous. All I spit is straight shinin.
You say you study rocks? Well, tell me: What can cut diamonds?!
At the end of the verse, I pointed to myself.
“So?” I asked. Maud just shrugged.
“I’ve seen worse,” she commented. She took the mic in her hoof and backed up.
My hard rhymes will stick with you, coat your lungs, and you know this
Call it Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
Google it, search it, find out what it means
You can’t beat me solo, how do you feel about teams?
Another pony jumped out in the middle of Maud’s verse. She looked just like Maud but had a more purplish tint to her, fierce green eyes, and a mic of her own.
Oh god.
Gaze into the eyes of Limestone Pie
Rapping against me? Straight-up suicide.
My words’ll rip into you, make you crack and cry.
Even outside a battle, I’ll hang you out to dry
If you standing in front of me, we’re gonna have a real problem.
It won’t even be a problem cause I’m the one that’s solvin’ em’.
I’m not the one to play with. I’m not a fan of games.
I’ll turn you black and blue, and that’s the truth, these ain’t claims.
Your time is up Anon, it’s been up for many moons
This right here is real, this isn’t a cartoon.
Fuck the fourth wall, yeah, I smash it like my sister
Hey, Mister-Mister, feel the burn? See the blisters?
You stay telling jokes, you’re something like a trickster
The Pies don’t mess around, it was a mistake when you dissed her.
Maud came to me, and this is what I told her,
“I’ll rap for you, but you best keep off the boulder!”
Maud stepped up with her own mic, carrying the rest of the verse.
I don’t like to talk smack. So I’ll end this with a compliment.
I’ll say your raps were entertaining; that your intelligent and competent.
Losing against us is something of an accomplishment.
And here’s my last verse to make it perfect: a complement.
The crowd went wild at the end of Maud and Limestone’s verses. When Maud went up to hand me the mic, butterflies started fluttering around in my stomach. Nevertheless, I put the mic to my lips.
In the middle of this market, I’m straight killing the game.
With a knife and a gun: I’m killing this game.
When people listen to you, all you hear is crickets.
When people listen to me, I make them go into fits…
My rhymes are straight bad, they’ll go straight to jail.
And they aren’t getting taken out. Nobody’s paying bail.
This is fire, so I’m killing the population.
So if you agree with me, I’d like a standing ovation!
Much to my displeasure, no one said a word. I put my hand down and started to sweat. The only person who was still going was Pinkie Pie, who seemed to be putting on another track, unaware that the battle was already over.
“I, uh…” I said into the mic. “I guess I-”
“-need a hand?” said Fluttershy appearing behind me. “How is it that I find you in the market getting your flank handed to you.”
“It’s hard,” I said. “I just kinda died there.”
“Uh, Anon?” Said Pinkie into her mic. “My sister said ‘teams’ for a reason!”
“You ready for this?” said Fluttershy, getting her own mic. “Again Anon. Let me show you how it’s done.”
My word's will make you sick: They're classified as toxicants.
My brain is a maze, so I don't advise walking in.
I'm a mix of different things, call me neapolitan.
I bet this verse made you laugh cause you're screaming for oxygen.
Uh. All I am is straight Dynamite, Napoleon
I’ll cut you down till you’re shorter than Napoleon
But this is Equestria, so I’ll call you Na-pony-on
I’ll beat you with my hooves in pockets; Napoleon
My bars are sharp and pointy, bringing pain
My bars are straight stupid, call em Lil Wayne
You’re colored, but won’t be laughing like brothers, Wayans
I’ll squash you under my boot, clean up the splatters; stains
I’m docile, but my style is nothing to chuckle at.
I’ll bite into you like I’m an animal: Flutterbat.
For all that talk Limestone, you’re just a pussy: cat.
I’m a gangster with a gat going ratatatat.
My swag is straight shining, I’m giving you blindness
What I give is all murder, I’m killing you with Kindness
I’m overwhelmingly popular. All I hear is “Please, sign this!”
And I know you wish you never saw me. This ignorance is bliss.
Picking up my slack, all I know is comebacks.
Maud and Lime? You best leave and never try to come back.
Cause if you listen to my rhymes you’ll die and won’t come back.
You best go home and work on your killer comebacks!
I was playing around before but this is no longer a game.
I’m not doing this so I can rise to critical acclaim.
I’m just letting myself go, going wild and untame.
And when you’re in tears at the end of this verse, I’m not to blame.
Let me hand you some TP, cause your bars are crap.
My last verse was lame? Well, you fell right into my trap.
I was giving you that one, I got a cold one on tap
Now, I don’t mean to be racist, but can earth ponies even rap?
Fluttershy’s my backup, but I’m the main attraction.
My words are tough to stand against, so I advise you get some traction.
I could always rap this well, what I did before was a fraction.
You two Pies seem like bitc- whoops, here comes the redaction.
I’ve been rapping for a while but here comes the mix-up.
Fluttershy, get your mic, flip your collar and pick up-
Where you left off? I’ll help you, but I’m not going solo.
Don’t leave me here by myself on this island like Calypso.
Okay then, let’s spit till the end of this verse.
Cause we’ve got each other's back. No reason to coerce.
My, oh my, looks like we’re running out of time.
We’re gonna need to make this last line sublime.
It’s okay, I’ve only got one line to disclose.
It will be really quick, so listen in, I suppose.
I know ponies don’t normally wear clothes
But Maud, I got one question for ya-
WHAT ARE THOOOOSE!?
With a heavy stomp forward, I crouched down and gestured grandly at Maud’s bare hooves. Maud’s face changed from her usual stonewall expression, to one that showed a small, genuine smirk.
“Well done, Anon,” said Maud. “Well done.”
“Wow, Anon!” yelled Pinkie at the train station. “I can’t believe you passed out while doing the robot on Starlight Glimmer’s horn!”
“I’m telling you, Pinkie,” I said, grabbing my head. “ I never remembered that…”
“I did,” said Maud, back to her regular plain expression. “It rocked.”
“Again with the rock puns…” I said. “So, you’re really leaving Ponyville?”
“I have to go get my Rocktorate in Rock Science,” she said with a shrug. “It was nice visiting, Pinkie Pie.” She backed up onto the train. “Let’s do it again sometime.” The train honked its horn before pulling off towards Pinkie’s home.
“Well, that was fun,” I said. “Back to my everyday, then.”
“Oh, Anon,” said Pinkie with a chuckle.
“W-what?” I asked. “What’s so funny?”
“It’s funny because you think it’s over!”
“Wait, what?”