My parents named me after an incident where I nearly destroyed the empire. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT WOULD HAPPEN?!
Okay, first off, you don't get to call me Flurry Heart. Not unless you have special privileges which are only afforded to those who are related to me and/or are national heroes. Or, I guess, if you're that guard that mom sends after me...
Point is, I'm Skyla. Got it memorized? SKY. LA.
Now these are the stories of how I earned myself that name. And a few other titles. And look, maybe mom and dad say I'm just going through a phase, but I say PHASES ARE FOR WIMPS. This, is who I am!
And the only reason I'm using Circus-Cinnamon's photo is because I can't find any other photos with how I really feel on it. I mean seriously, crystal ponies, I'm yelling half the time, is it that hard to take an angry picture?!
Do you know how freakin' weird it is to be a fifteen-year-old blank flank? Yeah, now add the constant stress of being a princess on top of that, and the fact that you're named after that one time you nearly doomed your home country when you were less then a week old, and you might begin to see why I was so pissed on my fifteenth birthday.
It really didn't help that Pinkie had sent her weird sister to throw my party instead of coming herself like she usually did. I mean, Pinkie's one of those few ponies that has never been on my shitlist. Even when I actively try to get angry at her, she... like, totally diffused the whole thing with a well placed comment or a little confusion. I think she's secretly smarter than Aunt Twi or any of her scholars, but just thinks in this crazy sideways way. The point is, I like Pinkie. I like her throwing my birthday parties. And I know that I couldn't really blame her for having to deal with... whatever the latest emergency was. Something involving lava demons, I think.
But Pinkie's sisters... well, there's the quiet one, the loud one, and the weird one. The quiet one I'm kinda meh about--I don't hate her, or like her, she's kinda just there when she's there. I mean I'll try not to upset her or anything, because she can pull off this major sadface, but I'm not going to go out of my way to please her. And the loud one? Yeah, we yell at each other. Like a lot. But she gets me, you know? She lets me be something other than 'oh so perfect' Flurry Heart. I hate her, don't get me wrong, but... it's like that friendly sort of hate, you know, where you throw crystals at each other but the moment an actual dragon shows up you gang up on it? Yeah.
And then there's the WEIRD one. Maud. And I mean she's just so WEIRD. She EATS ROCKS. I mean they all do, but she does it REGULARLY. And she's like.... you look at a pony and you can tell if they're happy or sad and Maud doesn't DO that, you know? I have never seen a pony as grey as her. And I don't mean just her coat. You know, I'm actually not sure if she can go crystal? I mean Pinkie says she can, but I've never seen it. Maybe she becomes obsidian when the heart pulses or something. Nah, not obsidian... too fragile. Maybe she just becomes a literal rock.
So, she's weird and unemotional and here she was, on my fifteenth birthday, following Pinkie's checklist to the letter. Heck, she even said "Wheeeee" in that strange, flat tone of hers when she fired the party cannon. It was... weird. I mean, mentally I knew Pinkie couldn't be here, and mentally I knew that Pinkie trusted Maud to throw the party as best she could. But... Look, Pinkie Pie, her pinkness sort of suffuses the area, and the same is true with Maud's... greyness. It's just... mmmmnnnnrgh.
And that was on top of my lack of cutie mark, and having to memorize three books on Yak culture for a test the next week, and oh guess what dear old mumsy had assigned me extra guards cause of the lava demons which meant I was extra watched. And they weren't even some of dad's old partners, the kind of guards that I could joke around with. These were one-hundred-percent CRYSTAL PONES, stern law-abiding stallions who wouldn't even let me have an extra-large piece of cake because it was 'uncouth' and I was a 'princess--'
Sometimes I wish I'd been born an earth pony. They get the best deal.
Anyway, so I was basically having a really bad day. And as much as I wanted to enjoy the party, it was just... you know that feeling, where you think everypony's just going through the motions? Yeah. But at least I had a few friends at the party, cause, you know, friends.
Like Panther. Oh Celestia, Panther is THE BEST. See, he was actually conceived on the day of my crystalling, apparently I nearly zapped the head off his mom and she went from a mild-mannered maid to a 'screw it you only live once' pony in ten seconds flat. And that mindset was something that Panther took to heart. Gosh, I love Panther.
Platonically.
We're like brother and sister, kay?
Anyway, so during the middle of the party Panther notices I'm pretty down. So he walks up and he says "Yo, Zapper, you wanna ditch this whole shindig?"
And you know, that actually got me to thinking. Cause, you know, I'd been taught all my life that a princess has a 'responsibility' to appear at her own events and ensure that everyone was doing well, but looking out at the crowd I realized that I only knew, like, six or seven of them, and most of them were actually mom and dad's friends. And I was like 'wait, this isn't my birthday party, this is a party on my birthday!' And I really didn't like that.
So I said, "You know what, I do."
And Panther gets this big grin on his rhodonite face. "Give me ten minutes, then tell your guards to take you to the nearest working bathroom." And he walks off and out the door.
So I sort of do the princess party thing after that, you know, talking to people, trying to dance, getting some punch, and all the while I keep an eye on the clock. And I thought I was being subtle, but apparently I wasn't? Whatever. Anyway, after a while I sort of apologize and walk up to my guards and I'm like 'Guys, I need to go to the bathroom, just real quick, kay?'
And they're like 'Very well, let us escort you' and I'm all 'sure it's your job guys' and so we start walking down the hall, except the closest bathroom is out of order (cause Panther backed up the toilets) and then the next closest, and the next one, and the guards are getting a little suspicious so I say 'maybe there's some sort of plumbing problem, but there's got to be at least one bathroom that works, right?' and just like that we come to the only bathroom on the floor that isn't out of order.
Guess what? This bathroom has a window.
Guess what else? None of my guards have wings.
Guess what I do next? No, go on, guess, REALLY.
So I'm gliding out of the castle, and I see Panther wave at me and enter this alleyway, so I glide down to him and I say "Wow, you backed up twelve bathrooms just for me?"
"Only the finest shit for you my dear."
And we crack up laughing. No, what he really did, see, was drop actual bricks in the bowls. Like actual construction bricks, you know? Don't know where he got them, don't actually care.
Anyway, so then he's like "Why don't we go to a real party? You'd have to disguise yourself, obviously, but I can deal with that." And he pulls out this coat dye and dunks it on me, and then he sticks these gold streamers over my highlights and I'm sputtering and he's laughing his tail off--really, it is kind of funny looking back on it but I was thinking 'oh sweet Celestia I look so guady I'm gonna kill him'.
But he calms me down enough that I'm willing to follow him downtown, to this place called, get this, the Shatterpoint. I know, right? It's a club, and when I walk in the noise is just amazing. And Panther even knows the bouncer, he's like 'Uncle Stonewall!' and the bouncer frowns at him, but Panther has reservations so he gets us both in, and wow.
Okay, so, there's this dance floor, and this bar, and the whole... shindig, you know? Now, I just wanted to have some fun, okay, so I did some dancing, and then I ordered some cocktails, and the bartender is like 'wait are you old enough for this' and for ONCE I'm glad for my princess lessons because I start rattling off all these details on booze and he's like 'okay, you must be a regular, but you just look so young,' and I roll with it and say it's my natural charm.
Yeah, I got shitface drunk. What, you expected something different?
Anyway, so I get back on the dancefloor and I'm just singing along with the music and, you know, my voice is freaking AMAZING. Don't let anypony tell you different. These pipes shattered the crystal heart on day three, and I've only learned to use them even better. I just get into singing and dancing so much that the DJ waves her hooves like 'Holy shit, you're awesome' and I'm like "Bet I'm more awesome than you" and she's points at me like 'Yeah? Think you can DJ this club?'
And Panther laughs and he's goading me on and I say "Yeah, I think I can!"
So like the drunken idiot I was I take the stage behind the turntables and the DJ's off to the side silently laughing her tail off. Cause, seriously, here's this untrained teenage drunk, trying to take on one of the most important clubs in Equestria. But I just grin and start grinding out this seriously righteous beat, and sing along with it, and the crowd goes nuts. And the DJ nods along like 'Hey, that's not actually bad,' and I get it in my head to do a little lightshow with the song and the crowd goes even MORE wild and everyone's enjoying themselves...
...right up until the pegasus guards fly in and tell them that the entire club is hovering twenty feet off the ground.
Yeeeeeah, sometimes I don't have the best control of my magic.
Lucky enough I was able to set it down mostly in one piece, and the guards sort of dragged me back to the palace--but the whole club is following along, singing my praises, and part of the chant, right, is "best singer in the sky, la la!" and I'm like, "Thank you! Thank you!" And then when we get to the palace Panther screams "Princess Sky-Lala is in the house!" and the crowd just takes it and runs with it and the last thing I hear as I'm escorted in is this huge chant of "SKY-LA! SKY-LA! SKY-LA!"
And then I turn around and I see Maud, and mumsy, and daddikins, and they're all frowning at me.
And I'm still kinda drunk, so I stick up my hoof and say "BEST FIFTEENTH EVER!"
Just so we're clear, the war with the yaks was totally not my fault. I tried to warn dad that turning down a traditional goblet was this whole major insult in Yakyakistan culture, and okay so maybe I got in an honor duel with the young prince after he called me weak, and the whole thing with the snowbeast was totally Sunburst's fault. Look, I don't know why people still blame me for that whole mess, I followed all the rules of etiquette, it was those two stallions that ticked them off. Are we all good? Do you all get that? Okey-doke, moving on.
Anyway, so mom and I took turns running the Crystal Shield. I like it when I get to run the crystal heart, it's one of the few times my magic feels complete. And it kept the yaks from getting into the empire, but it also kept us cut off from any supply lines, which wasn't that big of a problem but it was pretty annoying all things told. Tourism is one of our big industries, and this far north we kind of need the imports to get some stuff that Equestria considers normal... it's all a bunch of politics and it's boring but the point is things sucked for everypony.
After about a month and a half of this shit I realized that we could be doing this for a long time, and that really pissed me off cause--okay, look, you know when I said my magic feels complete when I'm connected to the crystal heart? Also means that the feelings of the crystal heart are connected to me, and since the crystal heart reflected the feelings of the crystal ponies, I was this simmering bundle of depressed rage if that makes any sense. But I couldn't get the Yaks to stop fighting, and the guards were stretched out thin.
So I was whining about this to Panther, right, cause come on, it all sucked and I needed to chat with my bud and he's like "Yeah, the Yaks are lucky that they have such short supply lines. Bet if they felt how bad we had it they'd beg for peace."
And I'm like, "I know, right?"
But it gets me thinking. See, the yaks eat food. No, I'm going somewhere with this: An army runs on its stomach, right? Cause you can't have starving soldiers--well, you can but they fight for shit. So I'm looking out of the shield at all the ice and snow and I'm like "Wait a tick, how in Tartarus do they even grow food out there?"
And Panther gives me this weird look, and then his eyes go wide and he's like "Holy shit! I don't know!"
So we sorta scramble for the library and start digging through the books and the librarian's all yelling at us and saying shit about keeping stuff organized and shit--really I think she was just more scared of what Auntie Twi would do to her when she found the place a wreck and I don't really blame her, Auntie Twi can get REALLY scary when she wants to. This is the chick that suplexed Tirek like fifty times. Or something. Look, the point is you do not piss off Twilight Sparkle ever. So we're super sure to keep the books in order.
And lucky me, guess what, I find the book on how the Yaks grow their crops and there's a lot of really interesting shit about pelts and dug pits and stuff but what really gets me, right, is that they're constantly fighting off arctic hares who want to eat their stuff. So I start researching arctic hares, and I get this absolutely crazy idea, which I probably wouldn't have considered if I wasn't literally feeling an entire country's war weariness every waking moment.
Seriously the link to the crystal heart is like dumping crap on my soul sometimes.
Anyway, I go rushing down to Sunburst--look, don't tell anyone, but Sunburst is kind of a pushover. But he's my pushover, and if I hear of anypony trying to smack him down or hurt him I will go full on FLURRY FURY on them, kapische? Okay. So I head over to Sunburst's place and I'm like "Hey uncle Sunburst, old buddy old pal, do you have a spell to turn ponies into arctic hares?"
He looks at me funny and asks "Why do you want to be a hare? You're a little old for the usual filly fantasy, and you're already a princess."
And I put up this melodramatic hoof and I start this whole schpiel about how the war is getting to me, all the stress of seeing my people in danger, right, and I just thought if I could be a cute little bunny for a day I could relax and hey, wasn't it you that suggested linking me to the crystal heart in the first place?
See, I get to guilt trip Sunburst cause he's my Crystaller. Anypony else tries, they learn why I'm called Zapper.
Overprotective?
You'd better believe it, sister.
Anyway, so he finds this spell and I thank him and then I go to Panther and I'm like "Okay. I'm going to be gone for the next week or so so I need you to keep my parents from freaking out."
And he's like "Wait no this is stupid."
And I'm like "Do you want to be the bunny?"
And he's like "Actually on second thought I love this plan and I'm excited to be a part of it."
Man, Panther rocks.
So that night, when mom's running the shield, I fly out as far as I can without getting noticed and turn myself into an arctic hare, cause that's apparently how I roll, right? And I hippity hop through the yak lines and soon enough I'm out in the snow and it's freaking cold, but my fur is so thick I don't even notice. And I start looking for a burrow, and I find a fox burrow.
Yeah, you know foxes eat bunnies? It's a thing.
Now if I was an alicorn, I'd have zapped the little shit, but I didn't have a horn. So I did the next best thing and throatkicked him. BAM. He's not used to that at all, but he keeps trying to catch me so I have to basically beat him to a pulp before he slinks off. Don't get me wrong, I like foxes when they're not trying to eat me. But I was on a mission, and I needed to find a hare burrow.
IT TOOK ME FIVE MORE DAMN FOXES BEFORE I FOUND THE RIGHT BURROW.
Anyway, there's this huge family of hares just lazing about, right? And here I come, storming in like I own the place and demanding they follow me, and they're all laughing their fluffy tails off right up until the six foxes from before poke their muzzles in. So these critters start growling at me, and I'm like 'BRING IT' and I whoop their butts. Right in front of the other hares. Then I turn around and promise that if they do exactly what I say, I can keep the foxes away forever, and just like that I've got my own little mini-army.
We start trekking through the snow, all the way to Yakyakistan, and I sneak them around the farms, right? Here's the thing: Hares are hungry little shits. Eat their own body weight in food a day. So here you have your innocent yak farmers, chattin' about how their bros are all out pounding on the shield, when suddenly HARE SWARM THROUGH THE WALL! Bam, that's that secret farm gone. Then another, and then another, and then they try to fight us off but I get the hares to just crawl over their bodies like this whole roach horror film or something, it's just amazing and creepy.
It took us about two weeks to get through half their farms. Then I turn around and tell the hares to keep doing what they're doing until the ponies come, and they're like 'what ponies?' and I'm like 'trust me, there's gonna be ponies' and I leave 'em to it and head home. There's this whole horde of foxes waiting for me, so I lead them to that snowbeast that Sunburst pissed off, and then I get this AMAZING idea and I drop the whole 'arctic hare' spell and lasso the big thing.
So here I come, riding through the yak lines on this big roaring beast, and laughing my tail off like a maniac. It sucks that nobody got a pic, that would have been flippin' awesome. Anyway, apparently dad's on the front lines and he sees me and he gets me back to the palace. And then he marches me up to where Mumzy's barely awake, still struggling to keep the shield up, and yeah I do feel a little bad when he gets into his rant about my safety and my stupidity and all that--
--and then, midway through his yelling, a messenger from the Yaks rushes into the room and says that they'll call off the entire war if us ponies help them with a sudden hare infestation.
Boo. Yah.
Dad's entirely surprised, of course, so I step in and I make this whole big speech about how they attacked us and how they blamed us for the snow beast and how their prince called me weak when I didn't get some mead and how we are so seriously offended they would even suggest this but out of the graciousness of our cutesy little pony hearts we'll help them out, and the messenger is so desperate and ashamed they even offer to give us this big compensation and peace treaty and he bows out.
And then I turn to dad and I tell him that I just ended the war, he could thank me any time he wanted. And he's fuming and sputtering and I think I'm going to get away with this.
Except mom wakes up then. And here's the thing. When dad's angry it's very wild and fiery and you can tell. But mom's very very crafty. She got taught by grauntie Celly, you know. So she steps in, sings my praises, soothes Dad down, and promises that there's going to be an announcement about how I awesomely ended the war. And I'm young and stupid and high on my own victory so I don't think too much about it, I just think she's an awesome mom.
Come the next day, she's got this whole ceremony, she spells out my awesome plan, I'm feeling great, and she turns and waves a hoof and says "Now presenting GENERAL FLUFFLEBUNS!"
Right. In. Front. Of. The. Whole. Crystal. Empire.
Dammit mom.
So, now whenever a little kid with a hare sees me, they wave the little hare paws and sometimes they salute and I have to just wave and salute back because, they're kids, I can't really yell at them.
Show of hooves: who here is brave enough to ask grauntie Celestia out?
Nopony? Okay, how about Luna?
Wow, seriously? I mean I know she's hot, but that many of you? Huh. Okay, what about auntie Twi--?
Wait what?
There's a club?!
Let me get this straight, there's a rehab group for ponies that have asked my aunt out and been rebuffed? But she says nopony ever asks her out! I'm going to have to get mom to look into this later...
Okay, look, my point is that it's supposed to be hard for an alicorn to get a date. Something about the manifestation of all pony races is apparently very, I dunno, scary to stallions and/or mares. Or maybe it's the princess thing. I'm not sure. Look my point is I was fifteen years old and hadn't ever had a real romantic relationship. My mom's the princess of love! I should have ponies fawning left and right! But no, here I was unable to steal a single snog.
So, yeah, maaaaaybe I was just a touch overeager when I found letters from a secret admirer. And after that General Flufflebuns thing, I was kinda pissed at mom and dad and I thought "Hey, I won a war, I can handle a secret relationship." So I'd been writing Crystal Wish for a few weeks and we'd been exchanging gifts and she'd been listening and I've learned not to judge, right, I mean I like looking at stallions but there's this difference between physical attraction and love or something? Point is, I started crushing right back on her and one day I was like "Hey, wanna meet up for some noms or something? Super secret like."
And I get a definite yes back. No, I'm serious, the card said YES in big fancy calligraphy with all this glitter on the edge, right? It's the 13th most melodramatically sappy thing I've ever seen, and I know that doesn't sound like much but remember who my mom is? Yeah.
So we arrange the date and I sneak out in disguise, by which I mean I've got this huge Wonderbolts hat on and my hair's in a ponytail and I'm wearing this big-ol sweater like I'm from Appleoosa or something. Cause... look, I think the wonderbolts suck, right, but I'm not going to tell Auntie Dash that ever, and Auntie Dash is a bit of an idiot and also the only wonderbolt that doesn't suck--no, I'm serious, she should be in charge or something. Anyway, she's the one that gave me the hat, and everybody in the crystal empire knows that I don't like the wonderbolts so OBVIOUSLY it can't be the princess walking down the road if she's wearing a wonderbolts hat, right? Most useful gift Auntie Dash ever gave me.
Anyway, so I meet Crystal Wish in this place, and we hit it off like awesome, and we're chatting, and I'm really getting into it, and it turns out she's secretly the changeling queen and she's drugged my hayburger with a knockout drug.
No, hold on, I swear I'm going somewhere with this.
See, I wake up tied down, you know, like you'd be in a hostage situation, and there's a magic suppressor on my horn, and my first thought is 'this is kinky' and then QUEEN CHRYSALIS strides in. And look, I've been told stories about her all my life, right? And I used to be scared of her but when your mom and dad and your aunts keep going on and on and on about how this was the most dangerous thing in their life you get kinda bored with it. So I was a little worried, but not really scared, so I start listening as she begins her speech, trying to 'break' me I think? Dropping subtle hints that she knows about me and my life and whatnot.
Here's the thing: the scary stories came from mom and dad. I was currently pissed at mom and dad. And I actually liked Crystal Wish, and even knowing that she wasn't quote unquote 'real' didn't stop me liking her, even though I was a little hurt. And hey, I'm irreverent as all get out. So just as she's about to launch into her final threat, I say "You have a really sexy voice."
And she just gets this shocked and confused look on her face and it's so totally adorable.
So Chrysy starts calling in some other changelings, trying to find the one who brainwashed me, cause apparently brainwashing makes you dumb and shit and she needs me to be smart enough to tell her some critical info? I don't know this, of course, I found out later, but I just flirt like a master, getting her more and more flustered--look, when you're mom's the princess of love you pick up on some of these things. She eventually gets fed up and figures that I'm trying to get under her... skin? Shell? Whatever. But just as she's about to knock me out I off-hoofedly mention my connection to the crystal heart, and I imply that maaaaaybe I can channel the love in the crystal heart to her if I, like, actually fall in love with her.
And she actually considers that. And it's adorable.
Yeah, she decides it's worth the risk. I still have the suppressor on, and I still have my wings tied to my body, but she does cut me free and we actually start talking a little bit, like actual ponies on an actual date. And it goes pretty well, despite the fact that she brainwashed my dad that one time before I was born, and in the end she escorts me to my 'cell' and locks me in with, ohmygosh, a little cheek kiss. Don't look at me like that, she was my first crush!
So the next day when she comes to pick me up I sort of whine about the lack of blankets, just a little bit, and I pout just the teensiest bit and she caves completely, she thinks I don't see it and she takes me to tour the hive but by the time we get back there are blankets. Also the hive is awesome. Big bug ponies crawling everywhere, it's so flippin' metal. Of course she doesn't show me any exits, I'm still her prisoner and all that, but I don't mind. I got my blanket.
Oh, the next day I kinda mention that I like colorbits. And hey, colorbits show up in my cell that night.
And then the next day I'm all embarrassed that I smell bad, and I'm wondering how Chryssy can stand to be near me when I'm so stinky, and she sighs and takes me to this improvised bathhouse.
And the next day I just hug her and she's got this awkward look on her face and JUST before I go to bed I crick my neck and explain that without a specific brand of pillow I get these awful pains, and she sort of fwuffs and assigns me a shopping changeling to get me what I need, you know, and I thank her and apologize for being such a burden.
I wasn't really sorry though. See, while I did want to piss off my parents by dating what they hated, I also wanted to take full advantage of the situation I found myself in. I had somebody courting me who would do anything to earn my love (for purely selfish reasons, but really I'm a princess that was pretty much expected). The trick was being subtle and cranking it up very, very slowly, all the while rewarding behavior that I approved of. And you know, changelings might be shapeshifting erovores that cause nightmares, but I'll tell you something that I found out real quick--they absolutely love snuggling. Hug addicts. The whole species.
In one week, my cell was about as good as an ordinary apartment.
In two, I was having well-cooked meals every day.
In three, well, I'd gotten my own personal retinue and convinced Chrysalis to dress up.
Not in a maid dress, no, that didn't come till the fourth week. She was, as always, adorable.
Now, spending a month in a situation where nobody is willing to talk shit about you to your face does things to your mind. I got a little bit full of myself, got a little cocky. I started asking for little performances, maybe a song or two. I got a couple of the changelings to make me a throne. A small one, but very fancy. I started to ask Chryssy to stay by my side for longer and longer, just so I could make my demands more efficiently. Nothing I did was abusive, I never asked them to hurt themselves or insulted them, but just the right pout here and a group hug there and they were all bowing at my every whim.
And then the guard found us. Turns out Chryssy had set up in the mountains near the empire.
Haha, whoops.
So there's dad and his guards, and they're all set to rescue me from Chrysalis... but they see her dusting the armrest of my throne in her maid outfit, and they stop for a moment, and dad and Chryssy just stare at each other. And then, since I'm stupidly high on the power rush of getting spoiled for a month solid, I cry out "WORSHIPERS, DEFEND YOUR GODDESS!" And both of them stare at me, in complete shock, but the changelings and the rest of the guard square off while they're just staring and before either of them know it there's this huge brawl.
Of course since these are the changelings and the Crystal Guard, I immediately have to start directing the battle to keep them from killing each other while still seeming to be a competent commander. And I'm so focused on that that I don't see dad and Chryssy get in their own little wrestling match, and I don't hear them apparently having a heart-to-heart and Chryssy whining about how I've basically stolen her hive from her or dad talking about the General Flufflebuns thing...
...well, right up until Chrysalis shouts "MY SWARM! SURRENDER!"
And the whole battle stops, and I stare at her completely shocked, and she and dad have bruises but they're both glaring right at me and I realize that the jig is up. And I kinda laugh and cringe and say "Can I at least keep the throne?"
Dad says "No," Chryssy says "Yes." They look at each other. Chryssy clears her throat and says "No."
So the whole swarm and me are marched right up to the palace, and mom sees me and grabs me in a hug and is worried that I was hurt right up until dad tells her exactly how he found me and then she's pissed. She sends me to my room, of course, but as I'm walking off Chrysalis smirks and says "Farewell, goddess" in this ubersnarky you-screwed-up voice. And I can't let that stand so I look over my shoulder with my own smirk and say "Goodbye, cuddlebug."
Was the adorabley miffed face worth the two-week-long scrubbing duty? Oh heck yes it was. I think mom actually laughed, she might have hidden it, but she laughed.
I still hit on Chryssy whenever she comes around, her reactions are priceless.
I should probably tell you, some ponies call me the Romantic Rockslide
You know, it's usually just me that gets in trouble. Cause it's usually only me that can cause this much trouble. But, well, Panther and I are best buds, you know. And he does have this whole 'you only live once' thing going, cause of how he was raised. Man, he's cool. Still, there are times--very rare--when he goes too far. Usually I'm there too. And, well, mom and dad might be willing to put up with his shit cause I almost nuked his mom that one time...
...but Limestone Pie? Nope.
See, Pinkie brings her family up regularly, sometimes all at once, but usually just one at a time. They're rock farmers, right, so of course the crystal empire is going to interest them. So this time, she brought her loud sister, the one that's probably secretly a dragon, and they were doing whatever it is that rock farmers do when they come to the crystal empire, and Panther hasn't gotten the memo so he arranges one of his little pranks. Well, I say little, but it involved three buckets of red wine, a Sapphire Shores record, a conveniently misfiled guard rotation notice, and around twenty crystal ewes.
Pinkie, now, she laughed it off. Limestone, though... Well, I was going down to meet them and Panther ran right into me, way more scared than I have ever seen him before or since. He's darn lucky he did, I think I'm the only pony in the empire that can actually handle Limestone.
So, the loud dragon-in-a-mare's-body comes skidding around the corner, red wine all over her like she's doubling in a really bad horror flick or something, and she sees him hiding behind me. And this isn't the first time we've met so she feels comfortable yelling "GET THE FRACK OUT OF THE WAY YOU ACICULAR COXCOMB I'M GOING TO BEAT SOME RESPECT INTO THAT AGGREGATE OF TARNISHED OOLITE!"
Now if I was a normal pony I might have cowered, or ran, or tried to reason with the angry mare. But I know how Limestone works, right, and you can't show any weakness if you want to push her back. So I take a wide stance and yell "YOU ARCHEAN ENANIOTROPIC RENIFORM, IF YOU LAY A HOOF ON HIM I'LL INCRUST YOUR CHROMATES INTO THE CRYSTAL HEART'S FACETS!"
...or something like that. Honestly, I pick up a lot of words from Limestone I don't know the meaning of. But they must be terrible.
So anyway we swear at each other for a while, and then she gets fed up and just straight up charges at Panther, and I try to push her back cause, you know, he's my friend. But Limestone is really angry and I'm like HOLY SHIT this mare is straight up matching my pushback and I try to push her back and the ground of the palace freaking cracks under my hooves and part of me is wondering what the heck is going on cause I've never really fought an earth pony, right?
And that's when Pinkie finds us and she's like "Why are you two fighting?" You know, I can never decide if she's really flipping naive or really flippin' clever, when it comes to ponies, because she sounded so genuine that me and Limestone actually cooled off a bit. We were still glaring at each other, don't get me wrong, but we weren't in a shovefest anymore.
So I say "She was going to kill Panther," and she's like "I said 'beat some respect' into him, not 'kill' him," and I just point at the cracks in the ground and I'm all like "Yeah, like you could restrain yourself," and she actually seems to stop and think about it. Eventually she throws up her hooves and stomps off. And I'm thinking that we got off pretty good, since it's Limestone that got into trouble, and I go to thank Pinkie for intervening.
The next day, though, the crystal ewes file a lawsuit against Panther. And I'm like "What the shit, you agreed to be part of this mess?!" But apparently whatever happened was enough to 'traumatize' them and they want monetary compensation so I go to get some of the funds out of my stipend, right, but guess who's standing right in front of the door? LIMESTONE FREAKING PIE. With a grim grin on her gray face. And she says, "Running to mommy and daddy, Sky-lala?"
Look, she was implying that I didn't earn my nickname, right? She was making me sound like a child. I couldn't let that go unchallenged!
But I couldn't look like I was weak, either, so I had to figure out a reason for me being there that didn't involve mom and dad. So I said "You know what, no, I was actually looking for you." And she's a little confused, so I explained that there was this whole money thing with the ewes, so me and Panther needed to find a way to pay off the debt, and hey, rock farming pays ludicrously well, doesn't it?
I swear that mare is secretly a dragon. And not the nice kind like Spike. Nice dragons don't make that kind of smile. Really, I should have been suspicious when she accepted my offer so readily (on the caveat that Panther come too, because, well, Panther pulled the prank, you know). And we go in to talk to mom and dad about this and she's actually polite, and I'm surprised she's polite, and mom and dad just nod and agree to the idea because it might teach me, I dunno, humility? Whatever.
The point is, me and Panther end up taking a little trip to the Pie family rock farm. Yeah, I know, princess on a rock farm, what the shit right? It did help that Pinkie and Maud were there. Their parents were... kinda weird, spoke a little like grauntie Luna does sometimes, and I don't know if they even gave a shit I was an alicorn. All I know is that they would spritz me and Panther with something whenever we used 'befouled words' which got annoying as all get-out, I mean, what?
Now you might be wondering why they were so ready to accept two strangers on their rock farm. Well, see, apparently around that time Marble--Pinkie's quiet sister--decided to perform her Choosing ceremony. It was this whole big thing, where she made carvings of every pony she knew and then hung them up by twine over this special rock, and whichever one fell onto the rock would be the pony she married. And she was basically meditating in front of the rock at all times. It's... okay, I can't even say it's an earth pony thing, because most earth ponies don't even do that anymore, but it's something exclusive to earth ponies if that makes any sense?
I didn't know any of this at the time, though, since me and Panther were too busy just breaking up rocks for resale. Apparently that was all we were allowed to do, they didn't trust us to move the rocks or identify the rocks, we just smashed them. With picks and stuff. It was long and boring, and every night when we went home Limestone would just grin this evil grin at me and ask "You ready to go home?" And I'd say "NOPE" and go on about how this was all so energizing and shit--yeah, I was lying through my teeth, fine, but I wouldn't let myself get one-upped by some dragon-mare!
Thing is, I wasn't the only pony suffering through this. Panther's a lot of things, but tough ain't one of them. I might have been able to handle eating freaking rocks (no, seriously, I'm not joking) but the poor colt just couldn't keep up with a family of rock-smashing earth ponies. So eventually I went up to Pinkie's dad and asked if we were being paid for, you know, time spent working or actual results. And he spends a few minutes thinking about this, before saying he'll talk to Pinkie about it.
Now, if I'd been sent to the rock farm as a punishment, it would have been "Do your time, no question." But Pinkie, she's got that strange sort of naivety where she sees the best in everypony and can't see a trick coming. So she convinces her dad that we're being paid for the smashed rocks that we bring in, not the amount of time we spend on it. And he comes back and gives me the news.
Just a quick reminder, I was born an alicorn. Which means I can do a few things that most ponies can't. Like, say, fly straight up for a good five or ten miles, orient myself right over the mound of humongous rocks we needed to break, and use my earth pony magic to make my forehooves the world's most powerful gravity-powered sledgehammer.
The impact sends rocks sliding, right, this whole thick boulder just shatters and starts rolling down the hill, and Pinkie's dad starts to panic cause that's where Marble is meditating, right? So he rushes off, and I rush off after him, and Panther's smart enough to run for the house to get help. And I've got to tell you, that old stallion's actually got this great sense of balance, I mean I can fly over this avalanche since I've got freaking wings but he's walking all over it like some sort of circus acrobat. Anyway, we reach the bottom of the hill, and there's Marble, and it looks like a boulder is headed for her but at the last moment I manage to use my magic to break it up.
Yeah, you know how I didn't know about the Choosing ceremony? The boulder's shards go over and around her and just cut through the twine and Marble opens her eyes and there are four different ponydolls on the choosing stone. Well, four out of twenty isn't ridiculous, right? Anyway, her dad is happy she's alive, and then he sees the ponydolls and he's... well, he clams up. Because, well, apparently this means Marble has to marry four different ponies. I don't know this until I ask and he explains it, and I just shrug and say "Herds are a thing." And he gives me this flat look.
So after that, while we're rounding up all the rocks and gathering them up, Marble takes me to one side and, get this, thanks me. Because apparently the ponydolls that fell on the rock were all ponies she loved, and she didn't want to choose, and now she has a legit excuse to get them all. And I just decide to roll with it and say it's my mom's amazing influence, or something, and "hey if you need help with the wedding stuff just call on me." And about that time Panther brings the rest of the Pies, and Marble announces her results, and Pinkie's cheering and Maud has one of her rare smiles and even Limestone doesn't seem totally pissed at me although from the look I'm getting I know the next time we're alone she's going to be spitting venom.
And their parents share a look, say it's a happy occasion, give us our money and shove us back on the train.
Of course I didn't get the 'Romantic Rockslide' nickname until Marble's wedding, but really, come on, where else could I have gotten it?
Why yes, I am the Commander of the Crystal Crusaders
Look, I'm not going to diss the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They do good work. Who am I kidding, they do great work. They practically founded the modern mental healthcare system, for crying out loud! And that's not factoring in their unique talents--I mean, Apple Bloom's potions have reforged the pharmaceutical field, Scootaloo's company comes out with a new brand of prosthetic every two years, and I swear for every pony in the empire Sweetie gets ten Thank You notes from some pony who was pulled out of depression or away from suicide by one of her songs.
So, for the most part, the Crusaders are awesome. Went from a crazy club of fillies in crazytown to a country-wide group of heroes in a decade and a half. Not a bad track record. Even saved the world once or twice. Heck, when mom and dad told them they were coming over to help me out, I actually went full on fanfilly. Not even going to pretend it didn't happen, I've still got the TRIPLE AUTOGRAPHED TIARA.
Yeah, I thought that would get you listening.
Here's the thing: The CMC, they're used to dealing with mental health issues, with self-doubt or self-blindness or stuff like that. Me? I like who I am, and I'm fully aware of my flaws. Don't give me that look, I do know--oh, fine, let me list them off: I don't back down, sometimes I don't think things through, and yeah I love the limelight. Oh, what, you thought I'd deny it? Who do you think I am, Rainbow Dash?
Look, my point is that I'm pretty sure the reason I'm still a blank flank is because my magic is tied to the Crystal Heart. Irregular magic flow and all that.
Not that I realized it before the Cutie Mark Crusaders came my way. Oh my gosh, I was just so crazy excited. I mean, they're like my personal heroes, you know, not just cause of the awesome stuff they do, which is just awesome by the way, but because of all the crazy shit they got into as a kid. I mean I was gathering tree sap the whole week before, and do you know how many trees there are in the Crystal Empire? Not that many! It was hard work. Panther went along with it, my parents were probably just rolling their eyes the whole time, yeah, it was stupid in retrospect but that's the story of my life, you know?
So the Crusaders finally get there, and there is a huge turn-out because, come on, it's the Crusaders, and I'm just fanfillying the heck out and then Scootaloo (number one Crusader don't let anypony tell you otherwise) turns to me and says it's time to figure out what's going on. So we finally get a room to ourselves, just me and the Crusaders, and I ask them to sign my tiara because COME ON, and they laugh and do that, and then they get down to business.
Which is just talking.
A lot of asking me things, talking about my life, you know, that sort of stuff.
Not even the most awesome pony can be awesome all the time.
So after that the Crusaders go to have their little brainstorm session and I'm totally eager because, let's be honest, I was kinda hoping I'd get to go on one of their oldstyle Crusader quests. Of course Mom's like "They don't do that anymore," and Dad's all "Good thing too, I'd hate to have to round up the guard," so I'm trying to keep my expectations realistic and then Scootaloo comes to my chambers and says "Hey, you want to help me with something?"
And it turns out something is building a ramp slide from the top of the crystal palace that spirals around and does these crazy loops before launching into the air and letting anybody skating down land right in the coliseum.
Have I mentioned Scootaloo is the number one crusader? Cause she's the number one crusader.
So we start doing everything we'd need to do to do the thing, you know, like stacking the paperwork and getting the supplies and building small parts to stick onto larger parts and then, middle of the night, we finally put the whole thing together. And the next morning I fly to the top of the castle and there's Scootaloo with one of her SW-5 scooters and this awesome-looking swoopy helmet, and I'm like "Why aren't you wearing the helmet?" and she gives me this grin and says "Cause I'm not the one going down the ramp."
Can I get a heck yeah? Cause HECK YEAH.
Of course she gives me this whole safety lecture, tells me I only get to do this once, yadda yadda, you know. I mean I'm the first natural born alicorn, so if I get in some major accident that's going to reflect badly on them, so I listen, but it's all shit I've heard before. Warning signal this, don't do that, you know the drill. So I just smile and nod and eventually I get to put on that helmet and--I feel this, like, magic on the helmet, and I take it off and I look inside, and Scootaloo says it's just there to scan my vitals while I do my thing.
So me, skating down this ludicrous coaster of a scooter track? Totally part of my therapy. YEP. Crusaders be awesome.
Look the only reason I'm repeating it so much is because it's freaking true.
Anyway, so I put the helmet on finally, and I'm getting ready to go, when dad manages to burst out of the roof trapdoor and he's panting because of the stairs, but he manages to get a look at me and he shouts something like "DON'T YOU DARE YOUNG LADY" and I'm already on the scooter and me and Scootaloo share a look, right? She rolls her eyes, and turns to talk to dad, and the two of them are having this long boring chat where she says I'll be supervised and he says that's not good enough and...
Well, I pretty much decided it wasn't going to end soon, so I kicked off. I mean, when dad gets going he gets going, and there was absolutely no way I was going to miss out on this. So I'm rolling down the world's most epic scooter-ramp, yelling my heart out, pulling off some minor stunts cause why the heck not, and then Scootaloo flies down next to the ramp, she's yelling something about responsibility or something, I don't remember. But I'm thinking she's cheering me on, so I speed up with a flap of my stupidly big wings--seriously look at the size of these things what am I a roc?
Anyway, so with that flap I'm like a third of the way down the course and I'm just having the time of my life and then suddenly dad teleports in front of me and shouts "STOP!" in his royal guard voice. Only I can't really stop because inertia. So what I do instead, I somersault over his head, land on the scooter as it slides under him, and I give him a wave. Yes, I know it's an action flick cliche. Shut up, it was awesome. And it's not like I was going to shove him out of my way, we were stupid high up and he doesn't have wings. I'm not a monster.
So I'm reaching the end of the track, you know, the jump, the part where the rider goes flying through the air to land in the coliseum, and I suddenly realize 'wait, I have wings.' And as awesome as gliding is, I'm thinking that it would be more awesome if I made this jump without any sort of safety net. So I do the logical thing and flatten my wings, summon a rope around my body, and ZIP I'm rushing through the air, no support from wind or ground, and I take the time to do a few somersaults and twirls.
Thing is, apparently Scootaloo had calculated the jump with me gliding, so I don't quite make it halfway before I skip off some roof.
Well I'm just realizing that I'm not nearly far enough, and things are going fast, so I kick my mind into high gear as I'm spinning through the air. I manage to skid off another roof, and another, and then I hit the roads like some sort of one-mare train car and crystal ponies are dodging left and right and I weave through them, you know, total action flick cliche.Lucky for me I know this city like the back of my hoof, cause you know, crystal princess, yeah. And I make it eventually to the coliseum, just bleeding off the last of the speed as I skid through the main gates.
See, here's the thing though: the other two Crusaders had apparently been in on it, and they were waiting in the coliseum for me to come flying through the sky, not the door. So when I skid in, they are completely not ready for it, they just spin around and are all like 'oh crap something's gone wrong' and Sweetie Belle is like "Shining's going to kill us!" But I just hop on over and I'm prattling on about how awesome that was and oh my gosh did you see how I skated and you know, still high on adrenaline. And then Scootaloo glides down.
And she just tears into me.
She goes on about how I should have waited until she was ready, how I should have braked when I saw my dad, how I should have spread my wings when I hit the jump, and you know I was fanfillying all over earlier so it kinda gets to me that she's pulling this lecture, it gets me right in the heart, and I kinda just droop a bit...
...and then she caps it off with "...and you know what? That's pretty much exactly what we did as fillies."
And then she turns to the others and, I'm not even joking, says "Why don't we induct her?"
SCOOTALOO. NUMBER ONE CRUSADER.
The other two are kinda worried, but Scootaloo convinces them, and they set up for a quick induction ceremony. And by the time dad manages to catch up, I'm officially the Commander of the Crystal Crusaders. Which is basically the CMC for the empire, and yeah maybe they did trick me into handling a lot of budgeting and paperwork but come on! IT'S THE CRUSADERS! THEY'RE AWESOMENESS REFINED!
My only regret is that I didn't do anything even more amazing with them. I mean I've led rabbit armies, levitated nightclubs, arranged for herds, and became a god-empress for a month. Just zipping off a large scooter, it's... it's kind of a step down, you know?
So, yeah, the whole 'Demon of Sparklalon' thing, that was a total misunderstanding...
Look, you know how I became the cuddlebug goddess because of Chrysalis?
Yeeeeeeah, Thorax's group might have caught wind of that. Of course, they only heard that I'd been kidnapped again--you know, we really should set up a frequent kidnapping rewards program for royals and their family, or maybe I don't know PUT COMPETENT GUARDS IN OUR ACTUAL CASTLES, because it happens so freaking often it's like... what, are we just treats? Is that what we do, we stand there like bait so the bad guys don't attack the citizens?
...actually that would explain a lot...
Anyway! Like I was saying. Thorax and his changelings heard I got kidnapped by Chrysalis. Yaaaaay. So being the political masterminds they are, they offered both apologies and to pay for my therapy and, you know, all that jazz. Thing is, information still travels kind of slowly way out there, so by the time the offer arrived I was in hot water after my stunt with the Crusaders (who are still awesome by the way thanks for asking). And the letter was addressed to Mom so I didn't know about it until she sat down one day and announced I would be going on a trip to a foreign country for "diplomatic reasons."
Officially it was to learn more about our changeling allies and shake off all the trauma I hadn't actually gotten by being plucked up by Chryssy. The fact that it also punted me out of my house and home for a while, AND I had to write up a report on the situation... yeah it was very obviously a punishment, and I couldn't say no because politics. Honestly, Dad's a little easier to handle, at least you can see him coming! So I of course put on my best diplomatic smile and I of course agreed because if I didn't lots of bad shit would happen, yadda yadda yadda. See, I can be mature. I saved my yelling and screaming for when I was on my private cart on the train.
Yes, mature ponies can gripe. Trust me, Grauntie Celestia gets her rage on behind closed doors. That's why we have all the fancy nice stuff, so that our griping is done comfortably away from idiots who'd misinterpret it or from those who don't deserve it.
Anyway, when we got off we were greeted by... well, you all know how Thorax's brood looks, right? It's as if some pop star saw one of those peaceful locale paintings they put in children's books and got somepony to design her back-up dancers based off that, and that pony was DJ PON-3 and she was high on butterfly dust or something. So, Pop-classical-rave-butterflies. Popsicle Raverflies. Yeah. That's what I'm calling them from now on, so people don't confuse them with Chryssy's changelings.
I mean they look more like beetles then butterflies but--
ANYWAY. So there were a pair of Popsicle Raverflies there waiting for us, Spinnerette and Mandible. And why they were named after their body parts I will never know. Still, they were there to escort me and my guards (it was officially a diplomatic thingy, after all) to the Hive. Now, being a princess, I am fully capable of maintaining myself with grace, dignity, and total regality. I don't like it, but I can do it. So things go kind of smoothly for a while--typical "Oh shit it's a princess what do?!" coming from the Raverflies as they desperately try to assure me everything is to pony standards and beyond and I do the usual Grauntie Celestia "It'll all be fine now please stop panicking before I get a headache" thing. And we get to the palace and...
Look, I like tall buildings and all, but there's no need to make it a competition! Especially if you're going to stick your throne room right at the top--it's tiring to climb all those freaking stairs, you know?
Anyway, we get to the top of the stairs, and there's Thorax in all his moosey glory. I guess he's kind of hot if you go for that "embarrassed giant" sort of look, and I mean he did save the world that one time during the cosmic convergence. So, yeah. Props to the guy. Still, it's... look, it's Thorax. He's a green moose that's also a bug, and has serious self confidence issues. I know, he's powerful, king of the Popsicle Raverflies, valuable ally to ponies, yadda yadda yadda--when you're in his presence, though, you begin to realize the guy has, like, no spine. Literally or metaphorically. It's like being in the presence of the ultimate doormat, with the caveat that the doormat is surrounded at all times by a horde of beetles that can potentially become dragons just WAITING to dogpile you if you so much as look at him funny.
The weakest leader with the most awesome citizens. Sometimes I think he's just there to get... our... attention....
Holy crap. I was right! Princesses are bait for the big bads! And it's not just us ponies, changelings get in on the game too!
What? Oh, right. Thorax. Right, anyway, so, Thorax goes on this big speech that can be summed up as "Sorry you got kidnapped by my evil mom, we promise to make your stay as cozy as possible, and let me list off as many of your titles as I can remember so you know I'm serious about this." Thankfully, I'm still a young princess and my accomplishments aren't that numerous, so it only took ten minutes. Ten minutes of standing and listening to a nervous, increasingly twitchy moose pontificate, whilst not only keeping a polite smile on my face but also trying to keep my annoyance from spiking around the horde of empaths.
It was pure torture. Pure, unadulterated torture.
Needless to say, once Thorax finished doing what he thought needed to be done, I pulled out the usual diplomatic crap about the honor of visiting and how we were all great friends, and honestly I don't think I needed to but the last time I tried to be a casual princess around the upper echelons... well, let's just say the citizens of Manehattan use rakes instead of pitchforks. So I couldn't risk it. So it took me five minutes to ask for a bed.
Look, I was exhausted okay? I'm used to colder climes, but I had to climb I don't know how many stairs in dry, hot air, then listen to Thorax ramble on about whatever, without revealing that I was actually pretty fond of Chrysy's visit, all while keeping not only my outward expression neutral but clamping down on my inner emotions! Being a princess is not easy!
Of course, I managed to be polite and kind and nice all the way up to my bedroom. I promised to go on all the stuff Thorax had set up the next day, and I apologized for the convenience, and I was a good girl, and I was a nice girl, and I made the mistake of thinking I could drop the act after I shut the door. Because, apparently, Thorax had told Spinnerette and Mandible to listen in on me just in case I needed anything, which they chose to interpret as including my emotional state.
So there I was, quietly griping about how stupid and unfair my parents were for setting this all up and how exhausted I was, and you know how people filter out what they say before they say it? Yeah, Spinnerette and Mandible heard all this and, through some strange leap of reasoning that I don't even know how to properly identify, came to the entirely logical conclusion that I had been unwillingly possessed by the demonic spawn of Chrysalis, Sombra, and freaking TIREK.
No I'm serious, this is not exaggeration. They even came up with an origin story on how this impossibility would work. It's quite detailed.
Now how did they go about solving this issue? Did they, maybe, talk to Thorax about this potential demon? No, he's overworked, so he can't possibly be of any help. Did they, I don't know, try to capture or assassinate me? No, I was an innocent victim obviously. Did they think about the possibility of calling Celestia? No, that would be impossible to work into the schedule! No, their entirely and totally reasonable solution to this very rational danger was to spread a frickin' rumor among all the possible popsicle raverflies they could!
So when I woke up the next morning, half the hive was wearing... I can't even keep a straight face. They were wearing... wreaths. On their head. Because, apparently, that prevents demons from reading people's minds. I am not even making this up, I don't know where they got this idea. Maybe Discord? Whatever, the point is, wreaths on their head, nowhere near hearth's warming, and I'm... I don't even know what's going on. I just notice and I think, "Huh. Weird fashion trend. Okay."
Anyway, so Thorax took it on himself to show me around the hive, say "this is where we keep the eggs, this is where we process love, this is the communal bathing chamber, look at how normal we are there's no reason to be scared of us!" And I was nodding along--I've been on these kinds of tours before, you know. It's the tedium of princesshood that nobody ever tells you about--everyone always sees the glitter and the glamour and think it comes free. It's a bribe. All the nice parts of princessing are a bribe, because actually being a princess is the WORST JOB ON THE FREAKING PLANET! I never got to choose this! It was FORCED on me!
Sorry. Sometimes I just get so pissed... everyone just assumes...
Okay, where was I? The tour. Right, so eventually it occurs to me to ask what the deal with the wreathes is. And Thorax has no clue. Which is... not entirely weird, since some trends can crop up without anybody knowing why, but for it to happen so suddenly was pretty weird. Now, I'm pretty experienced when it comes to weirdness, so I told the guy that we should probably investigate this. Thorax, though, thought that it would be best if he handled it alone, because he was the ruler and I was just a guest. So he sends me back to my room.
Which is guarded by Spinnerette and Mandible.
Who are wearing wreaths.
They see me coming and, before I have any idea what's happening, they grab me and shunt me into a guest room. Where, I will shit you not, there is a full-blown pentagram and the skulls of goats and, what are those things called, the big stands with lots of candles? There are a lot of those too. I get pushed into the pentagram and told not to worry, I'd be exorcised pretty soon. Yes, this is exactly what they said. So I'm confused as all get out, of course, but before I can say anything Mandible starts chanting.
At this point I realize that these two are entirely serious. Now, I could have just calmly sat them down, talked them through the whole thing, and explained the entire misunderstanding. That, however, would only reassure two popsicle raverflies. As opposed to all of the ones marching around with wreaths on their heads. So, instead, I decided that I'd give them what they want. Everypony wants to play the villain at least once in their life, after all.
Did I ham it up? You bet your flank I hammed it up. I cursed their wit, tried to 'escape' while casting a shield for me to bounce off, and made the goriest threats I could think of. Then I screamed, letting my eyes light up as I twitched melodramatically, collapsing as the chant finished. Man, I should have gotten an award for all that.
Of course, when i awoke, I pretended to be oblivious. How did I get here, where was I, etc. This was about the time Thorax walked in and, oh wow, was he horrified--I don't know if he believed what Spinnerette and Mandible were spewing, but even if he didn't I'd been imprisoned against my will which was totally NOT what he wanted, so he quickly apologized and suggested I head home to recover. I was swiftly bundled up and put back on the train to the Crystal Empire.
Mom was furious, of course, and she made me write the report twice over. But you know, I didn't mind it all. After a week, Thorax came by to personally apologize for the Sparkalon incident. That's what they were calling it--to this day, I don't even know why. But... yeah, if you ever see anybody wearing a wreath, that's why. There's a rumor that the demon of Sparkalon managed to escape and is hopping among ponies to this very day.
...no, I didn't spread that rumor, don't be ridiculous.
Okay, so here's the thing: I don't really like Hearth's Warming. I don't hate it, mind, but it's kind of meh to me overall. 'The unification of the three tribes and the founding of Equestria,' blah blah blah, the legend is pretty distorted from their original histories, but whatever--it's a day to unite people. Great, whatever. What's wrong with doing that the whole damn year, I ask you?
I mean, sure it's kind of hard to ask people to care all the time about everything. Having a day marked as 'here is the day of fellowship you MUST participate in to be considered Not A Loner,' fine. It's just... it feels redundant. We're ponies. We do this all the time. Literally, if one of us isn't doing this, walk down the road two blocks and hey presto! Somebody is helping out. Great.
Anyway, so I don't hate the holiday, or like it, it's just 'oh yeah, presents, songs, wooo.' Not that I'd ever admit that to my family, I mean--princess of love, princess of friendship, they're BIG on Hearth's Warming. Like sure, Mumzy could just order the servants to do the decorating for her, but noooooo, she has to hang up at least one garland in every hall in the palace. And Dad's always the one to go down and be all macho when he chops down the tree. So guess who gets hearth control?
That's right. The snarky teenage alicorn.
Oh, but it's a lot crazier than you think. We don't just put our family up on the hearth, no no no, that would be too easy. We have our family hearth in our private chambers... and then there is The Hearth, which is really just the Crystal Atmospheric Regulation Chamber, only Mom renamed it the Holistic Environmental Atmospheric Regulation Thaumic Hub, because now she can call it "The H.E.A.R.T.H." with a sense of gravitas.
It's--okay, it's pretty impressive, the place is what channels the magic of the crystal heart to control the weather, but every year around Hearth's Warming we get a stream of citizens with their own Hearth's Warming dolls. And they file in, hand them to me, and I put them on the regulation rings and say my cheesy 'You're all part of my family' junk. And sure, everybody is all smiles on the surface and...
...it's just...
They're connected to the Crystal Heart. And I... I can tell when the smiles are fake. I can look at their faces and see it. I know their names too, did you know that? I take one look and I instantly know: That's Elegant Facet, and she's pretty happy. That's Crystal Anthem, she's a little stressed. There goes Rhodium Glitter, angry at something...
I didn't ask to have this power. At least it's only limited to the Crystal Empire, but.... look, it's kind of awkward trying to be super cheerful when you can tell one guy is having a Really Bad Day. And I mean, I sort of have a reputation as 'wild and carefree' that I like to maintain, because it lets me have a lot more freedom than actually having to be a princess all day every day, and thinking about stuff like that...
So, anyway. There's this one Hearth's Warming. Well, more like the whole month before Hearth's Warming. And, you know, the citizens are coming up with their family dolls, and some are pretty well crafted but a lot are those mass-produced 'I want to be part of the national tradition but I don't want to act like you're actually FAMILY because that would be weird so have something that looks fancy but falls apart after the holiday' types. And I mean, I totally get it. Double dolls for everyone? When you can have, I don't know, your siblings and your parents and your aunts and uncles all under one roof? Who has the time for that? And they do look pretty--I space them out with the high-crafted ones so it isn't obvious they're not up to snuff, and nobody gets offended.
But anyway, so up comes this family, and DAMN. Right off the bat I can feel this is the Impoverished Pony Standard. Their clothes are a few years out of style--probably good when they were bought, but raggedy now, and they're kind of, you know, pretty nervous about the whole thing. But the kids are eager to meet General Flufflebun in the flesh, and they've got--I shit you not-- cardboard cutouts with fabric glued on. And smiley faces made out of twine, and--they were poor, alright?! Bad times, what have you, there's really no easy way to dodge it.
And as pure luck would have it, right behind them was one of Those Fillies. You know the ones. "I'm rich, therefore I'm important, also I know everything about fashion and probably at least a few dozen other subjects that I only heard my parents mention in snatches, behold my judgemental wisdom you uneducated plebeians, only I don't know that word so I'll call you pebbles!" I mean, they bring down the whole upper class just by existing.
I mean, at least her parents were decent--who am I kidding, her parents were great people. See, little rich snot goes up to the poor kids and says 'how dare you insult princess Flurry Heart with those poorly-made mockeries of dolls?!' I swear I am not making this up, she actually said that. And her parents immediately, and publically, berate her, right in front of everyone, but it's clear she's not going to get the message.
So, in swoops the noble princess, and she gives this epic speech about how it's not the quality of the doll, it's the effort, because this is a symbol of our selves and our unity and did you sew this doll yourself? You had your maid do it? How quaint, so I'll put your doll here in an ordinary corner but these incredible works of art are going HERE in this framed part of the regulation rings, howzabout that, okay, we're done here. I mean I made it a lot more flowery but come on.
Side note, rich parents gave poor parents a hunk of money and a few tips on the job market. It's a Hearth's Warming Miracle yaaaaaaay oh whatever.
See, what I didn't know was that framed part of the regulation rings? That was right above one of the vent shards that excess magic is released from. And, apparently in the middle of the night, some of the cardboard dolls fall in. Which means the magic builds up. Which means the thaumic flow is disrupted a bit.
Let me remind you, this chamber is responsible for regulating the weather of the Crystal Empire.
Now it started pretty simply, right? Temperature started to rise, just a bit out of normal, and the people running the place are like 'okay, huh, must be wind from the south.' Tweak it a bit, goes down, everything is hunky dory, no need to tell the royal family noooooo, it's not like this crucial mechanism right beneath their home should be anything they need to worry about! And hey, just because Auntie Twi is in the family doesn't mean the rest of us have any magical genius know how or anything, we're all just too busy for that sort of nonsense, right?
I just... how many times. How many times has a problem come up, because the people aware of the problem decided not to talk about it? Even a minor incident report. That would have worked out. Sure it would have been buried in the paperwork, but when things went down the tubes we'd have known where to look! I-it's just--I need a moment. I mean I get worked up just, just thinking about this. Gaaaaaaa.
Okay, where was I... Weather, right. So they try to cool it down a notch. And the next day, there's a bit of rain--not snow, rain. Which was weird, right? So they decide hey, maybe we should work on--you know what, it's a lot of magibabble, the point is every day a problem crops up and they try some minor adjustments that lead to a slightly larger problem. Higher temperatures, rain, reports of drying grass, cloudy skies, hail, icy roads, flooding, snow--
It was after the wind knocked over the big Hearth's Warming tree in the square that they finally fessed up. Can you believe it? Actual problems for our citizens are not worth getting a fuss over, but knocking over a big tree, that's what convinces you to talk to us?
So of course, guess when this is. That's right, Hearth's Warming Eve. So we go down to the H.E.A.R.T.H. to see what's up, but the easiest way to test things is to shut the system down and check it. At least, that's what Sunburst said and he knows his stuff, so yeah. Of course, that will let in the winds from the frozen north. You know what Mumzy says to that?
"It'll be like the first Hearth's Warming! Where everypony was snowed in and then rescued by the fire of friendship!"
I mean sure, she was trying to spin it positively to the public and keep them from panicking but, geeze, why don't we go out and hunt some Windigos while we're at it, huh? I'm pretty sure that tradition died out for a reason! But you know, whatever, everybody loves Mumzy. And it keeps everybody in good spirits.
Of course we all hand out our Royal Christmas Gifts of blankets and whatnot, make sure everypony is in their house, and shut down the system for assessment. Bam. Instant snowstorm. Dad at least had the sense to put a shield spell around the base of the palace so we could access the Crystal Heart, but geeze. Everypony was complaining about the cold, working overtime to test the thaumic flow--they found the cardboard in the system eventually, but by that point the magic had practically melted it onto the crystal so we had to pull the thing out and, well, guess what. It was entirely unusable.
We needed a replacement crystal. And, surprise surprise, there weren't any in the palace storage rooms. Nopony knew why. I still think it was gremlins.
Gremlins are real! Don't--I've seen them! Don't give me that look!
Whatever, the point is, we needed a replacement crystal. And to get it, we'd need to head out into the raging snowstorm and grab it from the crystal storage warehouse a good thirty minutes away--without factoring in the weather, that is. With it, it'd be a lot longer. Teleportation was out because the building was protected against magical thievery, and spot to spot teleportation... you don't do that in haphazard weather. Unless you want to be fragged. No, somebody had to go out and walk. So began a planning session.
And it dragged on.
And on.
And on.
I mean, the longer we waited the worse things would get, right? So eventually I figured screw it, I'll go get the damn thing myself. I mean this wasn't the first time I'd been in cold weather, right? I knew Mumzy and Dad would seriously object if I just offered because they're Mumzy and Dad, so I just walked out without saying anything, went up to the balcony, and jumped into the wind like the badass I am.
Yeah, not my best idea, fine. I'll admit it. And I admitted it right after being blown off course and smacking into a dozen chimnies. My wings, definitely out of commission, but meh. They could heal. And the pain kept me focused.
So here I was, walking down the snow to the warehouse, and the snow was getting in my eyes and my mane and my mangled feathers and, you know what? I was just blind and wet and in pain. Not cold though. That was strange. I didn't know why that was, but I figured it was maybe just an alicorn thing? And I needed the crystal more than I needed the alicorn thing. So I get to the warehouse, punch through the door, and shake off all the water on my body. Go through the shelves, find the crystal we needed, put it in my pack, walk out the door--
And I look at the palace, just barely visible through the winds and I'm like, "You know what, I'm teleporting back."
So I do. Except there's a shield around the base of the palace, so I can't get in. I could get up to the balcony, but my wings are out of whack, and I did just teleport a fair distance. Great. So I press against the shield, considering my options. And at this point I'm kind of annoyed and tired, so I just aim my horn and start zapping at the shield.
And... well...
It basically freezes over. Like, it becomes this sort of pink ice.
I'll admit I stared for a bit. Cause, really? How does that make any sense? But I shook myself out of it, used my alicorn earth pony strength to punch through, and went into the palace. Straight up to the H.E.A.R.T.H. and slotted the crystal in. Then I went to the planning room, announced the deed was done, no need to thank me, I was going to bed.
And then Mumzy pointed out I had finally, FINALLY, gotten my cutie mark.
Yeah, so... I don't like Hearth's Warming, but I don't hate it either.
