> Dr. Doofenshmirtz's Sweet Revenge
>  by QuickFics
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Behold, the Candy Horn-inator!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ah, Perry the Platypus. I hope your ‘family vacation’ went well,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said. “By which I mean, ‘completely unwell!’” He pulled a lever and a giant bowler hat dropped on top of his platypus nemesis. Perry would have given him a disappointed look, but figured that there wasn’t much point since the hat didn’t have any holes for him to look through.
“So…now that you’re here, I suppose you must be ready to hear about my latest plot?” Doofenshmirtz asked. “Well, I’m not going to tell you.” He paused for a few moments. “Oh, who am I kidding. Of course I’ll tell you.
“So, when I was on the way to the local market today, planning to pick up some organic salad and maybe some apple cider, I found myself assaulted by the rudest of all drivers – the truck driver. Okay, I know, ‘stereotyping’ and all that, but truck drivers are pretty rude.” Though he couldn’t see Perry under the hat, he could just picture him shaking his head. “Okay, fine. This truck driver was rude. He kept on honking his horn, shouting ‘Get out of the way!’ and…maybe throwing in a few not-so-nice words, too. It was humiliating! The light had just turned green, you know – he wouldn’t even give me a second to get going!” Doofenshmirtz waited for Perry to respond, but the hat was silent.
Mildly disappointed by the lack of response, Doofenshmirtz decided to move on. “So, after that, I got a brilliant idea. Behold, the Candy Horn-inator!" He gestured to a large, conical device with a spiral ring running around it from top to bottom. "With this baby, I can turn the horns of all the rude truck drivers into candy!” He paused for a moment, cupping his hand to his ear. “Why candy, you ask?” Once again, there was no response.
“Well, you know how I said that I was going to pick up some organic salad from the market? It’s because I’m trying to eat more healthy foods now. And don’t worry, I’m actually learning to like them – I won’t be dipping them in that unhealthy sludge anymore. But people who are rude don’t deserve to eat healthily, and if I turn their horns into candy, then they will eat the candy and I will become the healthiest person in the entire Tri-State area! Or healthier than all of those rude truck drivers, anyway.” He paused again. “Okay, even I know the plan has some issues, but it was the best I could come up with on an empty stomach.”
Suddenly, there was a loud crash from the side of the room. Perry the Platypus had broken down Doofenshmirtz’s door. “What? How did you…” Doofenshmirtz trailed off, then used a joystick on a nearby panel to lift the giant bowler hat up with a claw. There appeared to be a hole drilled in the floor, through which Perry had presumably escaped to the level below.
“So have I just been talking to myself this entire time?” Doofenshmirtz asked. “Please tell me you at least heard the part about the rude truck drivers?” Perry jumped up and kicked Doofenshmirtz in the face, knocking him into one of the devices at the side of the room. It began to hum as it turned on with a green glow that began to slowly grow more intense.
“Not the Other Dimension-inator!” Doofenshmirtz cried. But Perry kicked him again, knocking him farther away from the machine and thus preventing him from shutting it off. A moment later, there was a slight gap in Perry’s attacks, which Doofenshmirtz opted to use to quickly switch on the Candy Horn-inator.
“It’s too late, Perry the Platypus!” he cried, and Perry stopped in his tracks, afraid to see what was about to happen. The Candy Horn-inator fired off a single pink pulse from the point at its top, and all hope seemed to be lost. But then, just at that moment, the Other-Dimension-inator created a glowing green portal above the Candy Horn-inator, and the pulse disappeared into its depths. The Candy Horn-inator immediately collapsed into a pile of junk.
“Well, that didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped,” Doofenshmirtz said. “I even remembered to not include a self-destruct button this time, but I guess that didn’t really matter if it was already one-time-use only…”
Satisfied, Perry punched Doofenshmirtz in the face one last time, then flew away with a jetpack that he had obtained from some unknown location. “Curse you, Perry the Platypus!” Doofenshmirtz shouted, then headed over to turn the Other-Dimension-inator off. He wondered to which dimension the pulse had been transported, and whether it would still have the desired effect or not…
Meanwhile, in the Crystal Empire, several ponies happened to be looking at the Crystal Heart just as a green portal opened above it. Confused and somewhat concerned about this event, one or two immediately ran off to tell Princess Cadence and see if she had any suggestions for what they should do.
But there wasn’t nearly enough time – less than half a minute after the portal had opened, some kind of pink energy bolt came through, striking the Crystal Heart and immediately shooting out all in all directions due to the Heart’s prismatic effects. The bolts seemed to have a mind of their own on some level, as it was quickly apparent that they were seeking out unicorn horns in general – nothing else was hit by them at all.
After a minute or so, the bolts subsided and the portal closed, leaving the Crystal Ponies to wonder what exactly had just happened. No pony really felt any different, and their horns still seemed to be completely uninjured and working properly. After a brief hesitation, they simply went back to their ordinary routines, sure that if there was any problem, it would become apparent eventually and would be able to be fixed then.
But the event wasn’t over yet – many, many pink energy bolts had shot off into the sky, seeking other unicorn horns all around Equestria. Due to the wide range that they needed to cover, these ones were spread much more thinly, and each individual bolt was practically impossible to see with the naked eye. Before long, they had come into contact with the horns of nearly every unicorn pony in Equestria, unbeknownst to most of those whom they had hit.
The last few unicorn ponies to have their horns transformed were those who lived in Ponyville, and the very last one was Twilight Sparkle, who was hit while going through some books in her library along with Pinkie Pie. Almost immediately after this had occurred, Rainbow Dash crashed through her window and knocked Pinkie’s mouth onto Twilight’s horn.
“Mm…delicious. Grape flavored!”

The End