A new villain comes to town. "Ineffectual" is one word that comes to mind. Twilight finds "sympathetic" to be another.
He's planned this for months. At last, his takeover will begin. Unfortunately for him, his plan is kind of terrible, and he's launching his campaign right at the home base of Equestria's newest, and arguably most dangerous, princess. Or perhaps the word ought to be "fortunately," instead.
He looked down at the hamlet. Today will be the day. Today, at long last, my plan will come to fruition. Months upon months of planning will finally be realized, as I began my hostile takeover of Equestria’s entire wretched system. Soon, the little ponies of this land wi-
“And you are?” asked an approaching and visibly irritated purple alicorn.
“Excuse me? You would DARE to interrupt my nefarious inner monologue?”
“Yes, I would. You see, it is six in the morning, and I’m currently running on about three hours of sleep, which puts me in just the right range of exhaustion to be extremely irritable. And when the pony responsible for me having a mere three hours of sleep is an obnoxious unicorn who looks like he’s the head of the King Sombra fanclub, that irritability is definitely gonna come into play. And when said unicorn is standing atop a hill, pointing some sort of magically charged cannon at Ponyville, my home, well lucky me, because I just found a way to vent that irritation.”
This was a bit unexpected. But no matter, this fool will soon see the error of her ways. Oh yes, she will bow before me, just like all the oth-
“Wait a minute, that isn’t even a real horn, is it?” The soon-to-be-dealt-with alicorn said as she levitated his horn off of his forehead.
“Stop doing that- I mean, uh, FOOL! You dare to-“
“I thought we had already established that, yes, I do.”
At this point he gave the wretch his best doom glare, but it had about as much of an effect as his previous verbal threats, and so he instead cut to the chase and jumped at his doomsday machine to truly begin his masterwork.
To which the alicorn responded by immobilizing him midair in a telekinetic field and saying, “You still haven’t told me your name.”
He attempted another doom glare before sighing, hanging his head, and finally mumbling. “Seafood Dinner.”
“…pardon?”
“My name is Seafood Dinner.”
She raised her eyebrow so high it nearly left her face “You do realize that’s even less threatening than your overblown ‘evil overlord’ appearance, right?”
“Well, it’s not like I chose it.”
“Right, I suppose that’s a fair point.” For the first time she showed an emotion other than annoyance on her face- specifically, mild sheepishness. This quickly dissolved, however, first into realization and then into clinical seriousness. She summoned a clipboard and asked. “So, Seafood, have you ever displayed any sort of extreme physical strength? Perhaps great endurance? Or maybe an impressive talent for gardening and/ or other forms of agriculture?”
Seafood was, of course, positively dumbfounded, which was quite a shame for him as Twilight’s annoyance was swiftly returning. Fortunately, he had enough sense of mind to stammer out “W-what?”
Unfortunately, this did little to stem said annoyance. “I thought I was quite clear. I asked you three things: have you ever displayed great physical strength, endurance, and/ or agricultural prowess. They are simple ‘yes or no’ questions, so what’s the problem?”
Fortunately, Seafood had regained more of his senses now and was able to put together a more coherent response, as well as a bit of annoyance of his own. “The problem?! The problem is, why did you ask those questions at all? One moment, you’re criticizing my name and fashion sense- and being quite rude about it, I might add- and the next you’re surveying me? I repeat: WHAT?”
Unfortunately, the supposed good fortune of this proved to be just as false as before. “I don’t like your tone. You will behave respectfully when you are talking to me.” Twilight snapped.
“Oh, so you’re my mother now?”
“Well, your actual mother clearly didn’t do a good enough job raising you, so I have to fill in!” She looked like she wanted to say more, but instead took a deep breath, closed her eyes, put her forehoof to her chest and slowly moved it away. She opened her eyes and made as if to speak, but then repeated the action again… and then once more for good measure. “Sorry, my sister in law is pregnant, and it’s gotten me thinking about parenthood a lot lately. Anyway, would you please answer my questions?”
This did approximately nothing to lessen Seafood’s confusion, and fared only a little better with his irritation, but he had finally grasped that his verbal brute force strategy was not going to work. Instead, it was time employ his cunning. “I’ll tell you if you let me down first, if that sounds reasonable.”
“Oh, of course, my apologies.” She gently lowered him to the ground and fully released him from her still active telekinetic grip.
Excellent, now I just need to distract her long enough to activate my masterpiece. “Look, a-“
“Let’s just get rid of this, though.” She said as she encased his cannon in a translucent force field, which quickly turned opaque and shrunk to nothing, taking the cannon with it.
“WHAT!?! HOW COULD YOU?” Do you know how long I worked on that?”
“Relax, I didn’t destroy it; I just locked it in my own personal pocket dimension. You can have it back once I’m sure you won’t try to hurt anyone with it anymore… Ugh, there I go again, sorry, but the fact remains that you were pointing a gigantic weapon at my home. Count yourself lucky that a temporary confiscation is the extent of your punishment. Now, would you please answer my questions?”
Seafood, however, was grief-stricken and had forgotten the lesson he’d learned just moments before. “WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT?”
The eyebrow raise returned, and this time it was downright surprising that the face managed to keep it within its grasp. “Umm, the fact that I comprise a fourth of this country’s tetrarchy.”
“SINCE WHEN? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOU!” This objection was succeeded with a pathetic attempt at a death glare and an accompanying round of hyperventilation.
Twilight’s eyebrow was given a break here as she expressed her confusion this time with a cock of her head instead. “Really? How? Look, I try to not get cocky, but you seriously weren’t there when I fought a gigantic centaur to a standstill? He’d stolen the magic of nearly everyone in the entire country; that probably included you.”
Seafood stopped his hyperventilating here, and his face quickly twisted into something that showed anger of a much purer and more extreme variety than anything previously had. He mustered up all of his strength and took the most devastating swing he could manage at Twilight.
Which would have barely been effective at all, even if it had made contact, but Twilight simply reactivated her telekinesis and stopped him in his tracks. “Alright, despite my exhaustion and annoyance, I’ve tried to be patient. But the fact remains that I am a princess and you are threatening my subjects. The fact that I didn’t arrest you on sight alone was a mercy, and it’s high time you realized that. Now, for the last time, answer my questions.”
There was a moment’s pause where Twilight allowed herself to hope beyond hope that she might finally get some answers and move the conversation forward, but those hopes were dashed when Seafood broke down in tears. For Twilight, it was one of those times when she just had to take a moment to ponder just how in Equestria this was her life. She waited for her tormentor’s wailing to die down, but once a whole minute had passed without the slightest hint of such, she reluctantly admitted to herself that she’d best intervene.
“Um… excuse me, Mr. Dinner, I… obviously said something to upset you. So, I would just like to say that I’m sorry. Can you accept my apology?” She wasn’t sure he’d even heard her, because he didn’t respond in any way and if anything might have just started crying even louder. Well, that didn’t work. On to plan B. She gingerly reached out a hoof and pat Seafood on his shoulder. “There, there.” Wait. What are you doing, Twilight? You’re the Princess of Friendship. Act like it!
She cleared her throat and spoke in her most encouraging tone. “Listen to me, Seafood, I’m sorry I hurt you. It seems clear to me now that, although you are walking down a dark path, you needn’t stay on it forever.” She extended a hoof. “If you will let me, I can show you a better way.”
Seafood stopped his blubbering, looked at the offered hoof, and then burst into a fresh wave of sobs.
Twilight stared, dumbfounded. “Alright, I can wait!” And wait she did. It took Seafood a whole five minutes before his sobbing had subsided enough for her to break through it. “Seafood, Seafood, Seafood! Are you done?” He nodded glumly. “Good. Now, would you please come with me?”
He suddenly grew panicky. “I’m sorry. Please don’t arrest me!”
“I’m not arresting you. I’m inviting you to my house for tea.”
What?”
“You heard me. Come along, now.”
From somewhere deep inside his soul, Seafood mustered up one last attempt at rebellion. “And why should I?”
“Remember what I said about showing you a better way? I meant it. I don’t know all the details about your life, but given that last outburst of yours, I’m willing to bet you’re not a terribly happy pony. I can help you, if you’re willing to let me.”
In what was easily his wisest decision yet in this entire exchange, Seafood nodded and followed the princess to her castle.
An awkward silence filled walk later, they sat at a nice little table in a lovely garden behind Twilight’s magnificent castle. All of these nouns were incredibly worthy of their respective adjectives, and so equally worthy of Seafood’s attention and perhaps even amazement. Instead, he just stared at his reflection in the crystalline table as though looking away would mean certain death. Twilight considered the implications of this as she levitated a few varieties of tea and the necessary silverware over from her kitchen, which was also spectacular.
“Do you have any particular preference, Seafood?”
“What? Oh, um… Actually, I think I would prefer not to have tea.” Seafood replied, reluctantly looking up.
The eyebrow raise made its triumphant return here. “Is that what you were trying to say on our way over here?”
“Y-you could tell?”
“Yes, a dear friend of mine is similarly reticent. I’ve learned to pick up the cues when somepony is working up the courage to speak. Would you prefer coffee instead?”
“Um, y-yeah, that sounds nice.”
“Excellent, the caffeine would probably do me some good, too. In fact…” She trailed off.
At this point, Seafood noticed that his host’s movements were indeed rather sluggish. He tried to recall if she had been like that earlier while he resumed his staring. He found, however, that it just didn’t have the same thrill as before, and so he looked up- only to see her focusing intensely (or as close to intensely as was possible for the increasingly exhausted princess) on a medium sized rectangular box covered in an odd assortment of locks. “Um, what’s that?”
“This is perhaps my greatest creation. I’ve genetically engineered a new breed of coffee bean.” She finished opening the box and pulled out a small bag, from which she in turn pulled out a number a coffee beans. She held them up with her magic and faced Seafood with a triumphant smirk despite her tiredness. “Behold.”
She poured some water into a mug and held the beans over it. Her magical aura around the beans shimmered for a moment, and the beans promptly collapsed into a liquid form in the water. “I bred them to respond to a pony’s magical signature. Upon contact, they dissolve into a form that instantly mixes with the water. The piece de resistance, however, is that they also take some of the energy from the magical signature and use it to produce just the right amount of caffeine for their drinker to be. I’m even working on a way to have it recognize Pegasus and Earth Pony magic, as well.”
At this, Seafood initially looked just the slightest bit depressed, but that expression was almost immediately replaced with one of astonishment. “Wait, that sounds like it breaks the law of conservation of energy. That can’t be right.”
“Oh, but it is. Something I have learned over the years is that many of our scientific laws are in fact mere suggestions in extreme situations.”
“I’m not sure coffee qualifies as an extreme situation. Do I have to drink that?”
“No, of course not. You, much like the world, are not ready. I will drink this while you enjoy a much more stable version of the beverage.”
Her Passion leaving her, Twilight quickly fell back to a near lethargic state, but she still managed to levitate a glass of non physics-defying coffee over to Seafood. With barely uncovered eyes, she raised her mug and took a long drink.
After she lowered her cup, it was as if the entire world froze for just a few seconds, and then the caffeine took effect. Twilight sat up straighter, opened her eyes wider, and developed an ear to ear smile. “AndsuddenlylifeisgoodagainthesunisrisingoveranotherbeautifuldayinthisgreatworldandhereIammakinganewfriendisntitwonderful?”
Seafood was unsurprisingly taken aback by this, but he was getting fairly used to it by this point, and so was particularly determined to recover quickly. Alas, he was not prepared to accomplish this task against a hyper-caffeinated Twilight Sparkle, who gave him only a couple of seconds to process what she said- to say nothing of responding to it- before continuing.
She was right on both counts, of course, but Seafood had no way of knowing this, because of that first count, which is why he was incredibly confused when Twilight put a look of intense concentration on her face. He didn’t know that she was trying to bring herself back down to the level of mortals.
Sounding like she was pulling a grand piano up a mountain, Twilight continued. “Anyway, welcome to my home, Seafood. It goes without saying that we got off on the wrong hoof. I apologize once more for my earlier rudeness. Would you like to tell me a little bit about yourself?”
The tone in her voice put Seafood off, but as suggested, he was now used to the sensation and was able to respond even so. “Um… uh… sure?”
For a certain given value of ‘respond.’
Twilight smiled again, and this one actually looked comforting. “Great!”
Seafood’s hopes that she might begin talking at length again were dashed when she didn’t continue. “Um… is there anything in particular you’d like to know?”
“Well, if you don’t mind my asking, why did you react so strongly earlier?”
Seafood seemed to slump in his seat in response. “I… I’m just a big old crybaby.”
“No, no. That’s not it. You’re sensitive about something I said, but if you were simply a crybaby, I suspect you’d have broken down well before you actually did, to say nothing of the courage, however misplaced, it must have takentocreatealasercannonandaimatthehomeofaprincessthenagainyoudidntseemtoknowwhoiamsomaybeohwaitimtalkingtoquicklyagain-“
“Wait!” Seafood surprised himself as much as Twilight by actually interjecting, so much so that he forgot what he wanted to say next. “Uhh…”
“See! You were able to interrupt a rambling royal at her own house. Now could a crybaby do that?”
“I- I guess not?”
“Great! Now, please, tell me the real reason. I promise I won’t judge you.”
Seafood knew where the conversation was going and didn’t like it. He also knew that he couldn’t stop it, but he was still going to pull out every lost stop in trying to. He started by draining his heretofore ignored mug of coffee and politely requesting a refill.
Twilight wasn’t fooled, but she complied regardless. Seafood took advantage of her momentary distraction to formulate his next plan of attack. “Oh! I remembered what I was trying to say earlier. Did I hear you say ‘laser’ in that last… whatever you call that?”
“Um…” Twilight racked her brain, recalling her previous coffee-fueled bout of motor mouth. “Yes, I believe I did. I was talking about how it must have taken a lot of wrongly applied courage to build a laser cannon and aim it at my home.”
“How did you know it was a laser cannon? I designed it to look like a traditional gunpowder cannon rather than your stereotypical laser weapon.”
“Ah, well, when using my magic on anything, I’m able to feel it as though I’m touching it with my hooves, except it’s the entire object I’m feeling, not just a single part. When I transported your cannon to that alternate dimension I felt all of its inner wiring, from which I could discern its true nature. Though, now that you mention it, why did you build it in disguise? And I must add that I’m very impressed with myself for keeping everything I’ve said just now understandable.”
“Uhh… why did you take out that clipboard and ask me those questions?”
It was a testament to how well Twilight’s coffee was working that she wasn’t the slightest bit annoyed, despite seeing full well what Seafood was doing, but even so, she wasn’t going to let him keep getting away with it. “How about this? I’ll tell you what the purpose of that was if you tell me the real reason you reacted so strongly.”
Seafood knew he’d been bested. “…I don’t have any magic.”
“What? That’s-“
“Not possible? Oh, but I wish that were true. It wasn’t very obvious at first, being a family of earth ponies and all, but when I started getting exhausted from the farm work hours before everyone else despite my being no less physically healthy than them, it became obvious that something wasn’t right. So, mom and dad took me to a doctor and, guess what, no magic! Itwasntsobadimeanmyfamilysnottheprejudicedsortsotheydidntreallytreatmeanyworsetheyevenarrangedformetogotoatradeschoolwhereihonedmynaturalengineeringtalentsandthatwasnicebutyouknowwhenyoulackanearlyessentialabilitythattheentirerestofthecountryhasitkindofwearsonyousoistillfeltlikeanoutcastandactedaccordinglyandthatswhenoopsimtalkinglikeyouwereearliersorryiveneveropenedupaboutthisbeforeheitsactuallykindoffunbutishouldslowdownyouprobablycantunderstandwhatimsaying.” He ended his spiel with a gigantic gulp of air.
“No, I actually read all of that pretty loud and clear. I guess the coffee has more effects than I realized. “Anyway… I’m sorry to hear you had to go through that. I don’t suppose there’s anyway I could help you, is there?”
“Thank you, but no. The doctors tried everything, but… yada yada yada.” His tone shifted from that of one forcing himself to speak to one of extreme bitterness.
“Well, you have my sympathies.” He grew a weak yet genuine smile “…I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand how this leads you to attempting to destroy Ponyville.”
He now shifted to resignation. “Alright, but when I tell you, please don’t react too harshly.” She nodded cautiously. “I have some friends, met them not long after graduating. They… uh, they put me up to this.”
“They had you dress up like King Sombra’s rejected disciple and try to destroy my home?”
“Well, yeah, but-“
Twilight stood up. “Seafood, I understand you may still have loyalty to these ponies, but you must realize that I cannot allow them to get away with this. Would you please tell me where I could find them and accompany me while I apprehend them?”
Seafood considered this for a while; he was reluctant, but suspected she’d be able to find them with or without his help. “If I do, do you promise not to hurt them?”
“If that is what you wish, then I won’t use any more force than is absolutely necessary.”
He gulped. “Then, alright, I’ll tell you where to find them.”
