The Only Chapter There Needs to Be
"Get to my house immediately. It's an emergency!"
The phrase made you slam down your phone and sprint directly to the home of Lyra Heartstrings. Sweat leaves damp spots in your clothes as you put one foot in front of the other, trying to respond to Lyra's emergency. She's always been a great friend to you since you arrived in Equestria and her voice was panicked.
It's unlike her to be so worried. She's usually such a laid back pony, without a single care in the world. But on the phone she sounded to be on the verge of tears. Hopefully she's okay.
Turning the corner of her street, you march directly to her door. There's no time for knocking, her life could be in danger. In a single smooth motion, you approach the door, lift your leg, and kick the door in.
"LYRA! I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU!"
Lyra sits on the couch looking at you in bewilderment.
"Dude, it was totally unlocked."
You stop in your tracks and look around her home. It still seems to be in it's normal state. Nothing looks to be broken, her counters don't seem to be any messier than usual, there isn't copious amounts of blood on the floor, and Lyra doesn't seem to be in any sort of distress.
"Uhh."
"Thanks for coming though, I need your help," Lyra says with a smile.
"What... the hell."
"What? she asks, perking her ears and tilting her head.
You groan, closing the door to her home behind you as you step inside.
"When you called, it sounded like you were on the verge of death."
"I am," she says with pride.
You furrow your brow and cross your arms as you approach her. A fire begins to burn in your chest as you realize that this wasn't an emergency at all.
"Excuse me?"
"Oh, my death is certainly immanent. And you're going to help me! Isn't that great?" she says.
"WOAH!" you scream, holding your hands out. "If this some sort of crazy, snuff thing, I want absolutely no part in it."
Lyra laughs, waving a hoof at you.
"No! Nonono. Nothing like THAT! We're just going to fake my death. That's waaay easier than actually dying."
You stare at Lyra in frustration.
"So you called me in the middle of my day, in a panic, to tell me to come over and plan faking your death."
"Oh! I wasn't in a panic. I dropped my toast on the ground," she chuckles. "My bad."
"You dropped your toast on the ground," you repeat flatly.
She sighs and looks away.
"Well, it was jelly side down."
"Rest in peace," you mock.
"Right? It was the worst," she replies, not understanding your insincerity.
You groan and sit down in a chair, realizing that this is now going to become the highlight of your day.
"Alright. Fine. I'll play along with this. What's the plan?"
"Well, it's really simple. The first thing you have to do is tell all the ponies that I'm dead. Make it sad. Something that is a real tear-jerker."
"How about drowning?"
"Hmm. I've never been much of a swimmer."
"You could drown in the tub."
"Ewww. That means you broke into my bathroom to find me naked in the tub?"
"You don't wear clothes."
"It's the principle of the thing."
"Oh my God, really?" you groan.
"This is serious business," she says, her brow furrowing.
"This is going to be the death of me," you mutter under your breath.
"No. Anon. Get this straight. Death of Me! You need to stay alive."
You take a deep breath, count to ten, then let it go.
"Alright, alright fine. We need to find a way for you to die. How about suicide?"
Lyra's eyes open wide and she waves her hooves.
"NO WAY! Suicide isn't a laughing matter."
You shrug your shoulders.
"Well, not if you’re going to be so hung up on details. I'm out of ideas. What do you think?"
Lyra thinks to herself carefully, placing a hoof on her chin and kicking her hooves against the floor. It baffles you sometimes how Lyra sits like a human would, instead of the normal horse-like qualities of the other ponies. Does she have some sort of weird growth or something? An odd bone structure? You'll probably never know. But one of these days, you'd like to know the answer.
Lyra's ears perk up and she sits up straight.
"I got it! Choking!" she says.
"Okay. Choking. What did you choke on?"
"Well, I didn't really choke on anything," Lyra says.
"I know that. This is fake. But, in the story, we need to 'pretend' you choked on something."
"Oh! I see what your saying," Lyra says.
She hums under her breath, still thinking.
"How about water?" she asks.
"That's drowning."
"No it's not. I have water go down the wrong pipe all the time."
"That's different," you groan. "You can't die from that."
"Well, what if it happens three times?"
"Well you still won't-"
"IN A ROW!"
"You won't die. And if you did, that's drowning."
"Oh, I see," says Lyra. "What if there was something around my neck, preventing me from getting air, while there was water in my throat."
"Then that's strangling. That's a suicide."
"Okay, well that's out. I still like the idea of choking on water though."
"You. Can't. Choke. On. Water," you dictate.
"Yes you can! You said so! It's drowning! Is it drowning or not?"
You groan, placing another hand on your forehead. This is going to be more difficult than you expected. You get up and pace Lyra's living room. Quick, think. What in this room could kill you? You study edges of coffee tables, different candle holders, lamps, and the rest of Lyra's decorations like an action hero, trying to figure out the best means of murder in her home.
Finally, you stop at a candy bowl.
"How about, you choked on a piece of candy and nobody helped you resuscitate?"
Lyra claps her hooves together.
"Perfect! I like it! Look at me, sad and alone, eating candy to try and make myself feel happy again in my pathetic life. Then, I choke on the one thing that tries to bring me happiness."
You give Lyra a look of fear.
"Uh, Lyra. Are you... okay?"
Lyra tilts her head in confusion.
"Yeah! I've never felt more alive. Why do you ask?"
You scratch the back of your head.
"Well. I- uh. Never mind. Just... Why exactly are we doing this?"
The fog finally lifts from Lyra's gaze as she holds out her hooves to you.
"OH! Right! I didn't tell you why we're doing this."
You stare at her intently, waiting for an answer. She stares back at you silently.
"Aren't you going to ask?"
"WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!" you scream.
"Easy. Have you ever heard of taxes?"
Now it's your turn to tilt your head.
"Uh, yeah?"
"I never heard of them. Till, yesterday," she says.
You stare at her intently.
"So, wait. That means... Hold on, how did you never know about-"
"I haven't paid taxes for 10 years," she says flatly.
A silence falls in the room as she stares at you.
"So-"
"I owe the town a million bits," she says.
You take a step back in sheer shock.
"Well, okay. How are we doing this funeral?"
"Ladies and Gentlecolts, we gather here today to mourn the loss of our friend, Lyra Heartstrings."
Mayor Mare stands at the podium of an open-casket, beginning the solemn, fake funeral of Lyra. Most of the ponies in town showed up to the reception, including a few of the Elements of Harmony. It was kind of shocking to see how many friends Lyra had, considering her main job in town was to sit on a street corner and play her lyre. Which, to be honest, was quite a weird job to be assigned by city hall.
Does that job have medical? Or heck, dental?
If this fake death thing goes through, maybe you can apply for that job. You don't have a harp on your butt, but you can arrange it if need be.
Wait a moment. You probably shouldn't think of this at a funeral. Focus.
"And so, we'd like to invite a few of you up to the podium to say a few, kind words about our beloved Lyra, to prove that she'll never ever be forgotten and was much more than a pony in the background of all of our lives. Starting with Anonymous."
"What?"
All of the ponies in the crowd stare at you as you look at each of them in turn.
"Nah, I'm good."
Mayor Mare gives you a stern look.
"Anonymous, Lyra specifically asked for it in her will," she says. "You even have a full speech prepared."
"I do?"
You look back to the mare, whose stare is burning a hole into your brain. Rising from your seat, you move to the podium, taking Mayor Mare's place as she sits down. You look to the open casket, where Lyra is lying on her back with her eyes closed, holding a large white Lily in her hooves. An envelope labeled "Anon's Speech" sits on the podium, waiting to be opened. You grab the envelope and bring out a single piece of paper.
At the top reads: "My Eulogy by Lyra Heartstrings."
"Oh my God."
The crowd of ponies nods in reverence.
"Oh. I mean. Uhm. Oh my God, what a terrible tragedy to befall Ponyville," you reiterate.
A hum is exchanged between a few of the listeners. You look down to the words and begin to read aloud.
"Lyra was a very special mare. She tried her best to make all of the ponies in town happy. Sitting on the street corner, playing music every day was hard work, but she never complained. Even when she spent three whole weeks trying to learn Flight of the Bumblebee to show off, but at the end of the day she got more tips for playing the hat dance song."
You look at the words you just read and look back to the casket. Lyra wears a bright smile as you look back to the crowd. Bon Bon begins to tear up and dab her eyes with a handkerchief.
"I loved that hat dance song…"
You take a deep breath and look back to the prewritten speech. Taking the glass of water sitting on the stand, you take a drink and set it back down.
"Lyra did her best to always help a pony in need. In fact, one day she saw poor Applebloom in the market-"
Then, the drink of water goes down the wrong pipe. You cough in reflex, leaning away from the microphone to breathe.
"Oh no! Is he choking?" Fluttershy calls from the crowd.
"No way! That's drowning," Rainbow Dash replies.
"It's true, he drank water," Mayor Mare adds.
Clearing your throat, you focus your eyes back on the page.
"She saw Applebloom in the market. The poor filly tripped on an apple and Lyra generously asked her if she had a nice autumn."
The ponies in the audience all smile and nod.
"Such a nice pony," Bon Bon says before breaking in to large puppy dog tears.
With a sigh, you look back down to the page and notice that it's almost over. Thank god.
"Lyra was a kind, gentle pony with a fine ash-"
You pause, trying to read the horribly butchered word. It's spelled out: "Ashtunashin." After you look at it for a second, you realize that she meant "Astonishing." But before you can correct yourself, the ponies in the crowd all nod and agree.
"Yes, quite a fine ass," Mayor Mare mutters.
"The BEST ass," Bon Bon cries.
"Okay, that's it. I'm done. Screw-"
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Bon Bon cries out.
The crowd gasps as Bon Bon leaps from the front row and jumps to the center of funeral aisle.
"Bon Bon?!" Mayor Mare exclaims.
"I can't live in a world without Lyra! All of the nights we spent together! All of the secrets we shared! I can't live without her in my life!"
You look down at your hands and realize that with the focus on Bon Bon, you could probably just walk away. You've done everything Lyra asked you to do. The only other thing that could happen would be that she messes this up and everything goes back to normal. Or she gets buried alive.
Which would be bad.
But, her job though…
"You two are a couple. We get it," Rainbow Dash says.
"N-no we aren't!" she yells back. "We're just best friends."
"Uh. No. It was obvious. Everypony knew," Rainbow responds.
The rest of the crowd nods and mutters in agreement.
"It wasn't really subtle," says Mayor Mare.
"Oh," Bon Bon says. "Well that still doesn't change my mind. I still will do this!"
Bon Bon pulls out a tiny pink dagger and shows it to the whole crowd. Every pony in the crowd gasps in shock of the piece of plastic. You place a hand over your eyes and lean against the podium.
This is your life. What in the world did you do to deserve this?
"If she won't be in this world, neither will I!"
"No! Bon Bon! Don't! You have so much to live for! Like not being invited to tea parties and being alone!" Mayor Mare calls to her with hoof outstretched.
"It's too late! Goodbye, cruel world!"
Bon Bon shoves the stage prop into her chest and you can hear the spring inside the handle retract the blade. The dagger then squirts out a little bit of ketchup on her chest to give the illusion of blood. The crowd gasps in terror as Bon Bon takes two steps to the right, then wobbles to the left, then stands on the tips of her hooves, then falls over, her tongue laying out.
"BON BON NOOOOO!" Lyra cries, leaping out of her coffin.
The crowd gasps again as you shake your head. You knew it was just a matter of time.
"BON BON! How could you?!" Lyra cries out.
"Wait, you're not dead?" Bon Bon asks in a serious tone, opening her eyes and abandoning the act.
"No! Wait, you're not dead?" Lyra asks in bewilderment.
"No, it's a fake dagger."
"Really? But it looks so real?"
"For God's sake! THE BLADE WAS PINK!” you scream.
"You can't judge a book by it's cover, Anon," Lyra says.
"Yeah, that's racist," Bon Bon replies.
"Wait just one moment," Mayor Mare says. "That means, if both of you are alive…"
The two mares look at each other in horror.
"Uh oh," they say in unison.
"Then, the two of you can finally pay all of those back taxes that you owe the town!" She says happily. "Thank goodness. The whole town is in serious debt right now."
Lyra turns to you with a look of helplessness on her face. She mouths to you the word 'Help me.' You look around quickly, trying to help your friend out of this mess she's made.
You grab the glass of water and jog over to them. Tossing the water on the ponies, the crowd looks at you in shock.
"Oh no. They are drowning. Whatever shall we do." you say in a deadpan voice.
The two girls gasp and then roll on the ground clutching their throats, then lie still. Then, give you two over-exaggerated winks, that seems to slip the gaze of the other ponies in the crowd.
"Gasp. They have died. Boo hoo hoo."
"Guards! Arrest him!" Mayor Mare cries out.
"Wait, wha-"
Two guards leap on both sides of you and grab your arms.
"Anonymous the Human, for the murder of Bon Bon and Lyra Heartstrings, I sentence you to life imprisonment!"
"NO WAIT! THIS IS ALL A MISTAKE!"
"Take him away!"
The guards pull you away as you struggle against their grasp.
"NO! IT'S ALL AN ACT! THEY AREN'T REALLY DEAD! THIS IS JUST A BIG MISUNDERSTANDING! HELP!"
And that's why you're stuck in jail.