This Is What It Feels Like.
I lie on my bed waiting for the night shift, thoughts appearing into my numbed mine. The cold air rushed into my chambers from the open window, yet I still do not feel anything but numbed pain. My body just lie there, ~Useless....like the rest of me..~ I thought to myself as I looked into the ceiling of my chambers. It was painted midnight blue with yellow stars and a silver moon. A silver moon to remind me thats were I should be, in the moon! Not in this room or even next to anything to show me hospitality! My train of thought came to a abrupt stop as I heard hoof steps getting closer to the dark oak doors guarding me from facing whatever was lying behind it. As my mind began to work again I remembered it was almost time to raise the moon and Celestia was coming to see how I was doing, ~Celestia~ I said in my mind. Celestia never missed a moment to come see me, she really did mean it when she said she was going to change. I got from my bed as my sister knocked softly, but still loud enough for me to hear. I trotted to the dark oak door and opened it to be greeted by my sister's warm, welcome smile,
"Hello Luna, how was your rest my sweet little sister..?" Celestia asked me in her loving, motherly tone.
"Fine sister, and your day?" I replied, alittle groggily.
"Its been fine Luna, thank you for asking" Celestia said giving me her loving smile again.
"Shall we head to the balcony?" I asked trying not to make small talk and make Celestia worried something was wrong if I gave anything away.
"Lets go then Lulu.." Celestia said never dropping her loving tone and warming smile.
As we made out way to the balcony Celestia seemed to have alittle tiredness hidden in her eyes, she was probably going to have another meeting with the Griffon, they were always loud and wanted lower taxes, knowing my sister she couldn't refuse, she is always too nice to say no. Turning the last corridor to face the glass balcony doors Celestia turned to face me a worried expression on her face,
"Are you alright Luna....you haven't said much an-" Celestia started to speak before I cut her off.
"Tia....im fine just still waking up....." I said trying to give a smile to ease Celestia even though I wasn't alright.
"Its been almost a year scene it happened Luna....im being paranoid I know but I cant get the feeling of something wrong off my back.....I couldn't forgive myself If anything ever happened to you...." Celestia said buying into my shallow smile.
I nodded and didn't respond, I just didn't feel like responding, maybe because I cant feel anything except numbed pain in my body. As we trotted over to the balcony's end we looked at each other, Celestia giving her smile and me giving a fake one that seemed to buy Celestia's approval of me being alright even though im not really, I just seemed like the broken toy never to be fixed and never to work the same but I would never tell Tia that....it might hurt her and the last thing I wanted is to hurt Celestia. As Celestia finished lowering the sun I began to lift the moon into its place the crisp and cold wind brushing my fur gently as I rose higher into the sky, the moon following my commands like a dog with a treat. As I finished raising the moon Celestia and I left, we soon said our farewells and left each other for the night until breakfast. Until then I was alone to think to myself. I jump upon my bed and lie there again the numbed pain began to return, thoughts entered my mind one by one the last one worst than the first. Memorize of hurting Celestia even though she wasn't fighting back were the first, more and more came as I remembered how many died in a battle for something so childish! Tears began to well in my eyes as I remembered the hurt look cast into Celestia's eyes as she scent me away to my jail for 1000 years. I got from my bed my head hung low as I trudged into the bathroom. Turning on the sink I splashed some water into my face to clear my head of such thoughts until I heard something talking,
"Did you really think that everything would go back to normal, Luna..? said a venom filled voice that echoed through my pained head.
"Who's there?!? Show yourself!" I said spinning around to face the intruder.
"Why Luna.......is that how you greet a old friend..? said the voice again sarcasm rung through it like water dripping from a towl.
I turned around and saw what I never wanted to see again, Nightmare Moon, I jumped back and snarled, my horn charging a energetic ball of rage aimed at the reflection of Nightmare. My head blinded with rage I shot the energy at the mirror breaking it into shards of glass flying acrossed the bathroom, some on the shards landing in my body causing me to winced and duck down, a glass shard cutting my horn I screamed in pain, the once numb pain came fast glass shards encasing there bodies into mine, blood dripping onto the white and black tiled floor under my blood hooves. As fast as it came it was over and I looked over to a large shard on the ground still having Nightmare's reflection in it, the reflection started to give a evil crackle,
"Good job Luna! You proved yourself to be a bigger fool than I thought! Trying to hurt your own reflection....wow Luna... Nightmare cackled as I put my hoof up and crushed the sharp, glass getting into my hooves more I crawled into the corner and whispered to myself,
"Its alright......its fine just your reflection..." I said to myself crying the pain out in the corner blood trailing down my face from my horn. I began to think again ~Your reflection shows you...~ I thought coming to a halt, ~What if my reflection is right..?~. I began to clean the bathroom and clean myself up until I heard a knocking at my door, I shut the bathroom door and trotted to the same dark oak doors as before opening them slowly looking at who has come this late at night, as I should have guessed from the knock... it was Celestia. I thought to myself what to do, the bathroom was a complete mess along with the puddles of blood and my body was torn glass still in my hooves and forlegs. I gave a small gulp as I began to think about what to do and what I should say or even why Celestia was here..! Thoughts of what to do rushing into my head as I almost forgot Celestia was looking at me confusion in her eyes.
"Uh, Luna..are you alright?" Celestia began catching me alittle off guard, "I heard some crashing and such and I thought it might have come from your room..".
I was caught deadpanned, I had to think of something quick, "Im fine it must have come from down the hall.." I said trying to sound confused along with convinced Celestia was hearing things.
Celestia looked at me scrunching her muzzle slightly, "Luna...your lying.." Celestia said disappointment in her eyes.
"W-what do you mean sister?" I asked trying to sound confused again but to no avail as I could see Celestia was reading me like a book.
"Why are you lying Luna? Why cant you tell me the truth..?" Celestia said sadly.
"I-im not lying Celes-" I didn't even finish my scentance before Celestia cut me off with a stern look upon her gaze.
"Do you not trust me with the truth Luna? Why cant you just tell me the truth because I know what I heard! I was standing right here when everything happened.." Celestia said disappointed.
I gasped in my head and gave a growl, ~You were spying Celestia!~ I said in my head as the idea swam in my head of Celestia hearing Nightmare be there or even if Nightmare wasn't there Luna have a breakdown and smash her bathroom into shards and not only break the mirror but hurt herself in the process.
"So you were spying the whole time?!?" I said alittle anger in my tone from Celestia my own sister hearing my breakdown, I have been good from any relapses and evil thoughts for almost and year and she thinks to spy on me?!?
Celestia began to get alittle angry, "Luna! All I heard was you talking with somepony then glass breaking!".
"Why should I tell you, being a spy and all" I said harshly, growing anger rising in my tone with each word I spoke.
Celestia gasped at such words I threw at her and she growled and me aswell, "Seems im right to do so, you just broke your mirror I can see the blood on your hooves Luna!".
I looked down seeing as when I got angry I started to inch out of my doorway. I growled under my breath on how stupid I was to do so.
"Im going to get that doctor ag-" Celestia tried to say but my anger rose to its highest point as my thoughts came to one conclusion, Celestia thought I was unhealthy!
Tears began to well in my eyes as the thought of my own sister came into view, her seeing me as messed up, broken.., "Your saying im messed up!?!" I asked my emotions bumping into each other.
Celestia gave a small sigh, "Im sorry Luna, your going to need to see him again....im not saying your messed up just saying that you are going to need help..".
I pushed myself into my room slamming the door infront of Celestia and leaped onto my bed and began to sob the dark thoughts pushing themselves into my view. Whats the point?!? My own sister doesn't even think im well.....she thinks I need help! Doctors aren't going to solve anything! there's only one way to fix the pain...... I got up from my bed wiping my tears as new thoughts began to enter my mind, ~Would it hurt..? What would everypony think..?~ I asked myself already knowing the general answers to these questions. As I got to my hooves I began to make my way to the open window and jumped out of it flying high into the sky. I flew higher and higher into the heavens as the ground and the castle became nothing more than ants under my hooves. As I reached high into the sky my wings died down flapping slowly every foot I got higher until my wings stopped working and I began to plummet down. The only thing I could hear was the sound of my beating heart drumming in my ears like the sound of a new wars drum, the wind rushing past my main as it reached up into the dawn sky. I began to have my last thoughts before the end was seconds away ~So......this is what it feels like..?