Human in Equestria

by Dlaf rferg

First published

HiE; Except not really. They make an immigration center.

When ordinary Jack Rogers finds himself in Equestria, he must learn the value of fri-

No, this is not one of those. At all. The ponies got sick of the humans and decided to make immigration centers. It goes about as you'd expect. Except this isn't in detail.

Decided to mock the HiE crap. I'm judging it thoroughly.

Too Many Humans

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"Goodbye Jack! We'll miss you!"

As Jack stepped back into his home world of Earth, all the ponies let down their facade.

"Twilight!" Rainbow Dash flew up to Twilight, her expression grumpy and tired. "That's like the, what? Fifth one this week? We can't keep this up Twi. We just... It's getting too much, y'know?"

Twilight sighed. "I suppose we could find a spell, but poor Lyra... She would be heartbroken! We'd have to send back Baxter, and then she'd cry. Have you ever seen Lyra cry? Because, it is heartbreaking. I just couldn't be able to bring myself to do it." As if on cue, Lyra waved oblivious to their conversation, and Baxter did too, although less enthusiastically.

"Twi, how about we let a maximum of three humans on Equestria at a time. And, if they wanna do the soul-searching crap or try to hurt anyone, we send 'em back. How's that sound?"

"Hmm... Rainbow, that could actually work! You're smart sometimes I guess." Twilight teased, causing Rainbow Dash to blush slightly.

"Yea, I suppose I am pretty cool."

"Although maybe with a few more humans allowed. Maybe a pet policy?"

"I suppose I'm a bit less cool now then. Still cool, mind you!" She added hastily.

"Twilight, you do realize that I'd have to engineer a brand new spell from scratch, right? That would take at least a week. Although I could shave it down to three or four days if you helped." Celestia rubbed the bridge of her nose (with her hoof, inexplicably) while her human, Charlie, wouldn't let go of her wing.

"Of course, Princess! Because, although it is kind of fun to study their behavior, it does get repetitive. Human comes, usually doesn't like the My Little Pony franchise, have never heard of it, or are fans, are at first wary of us, then they warm up, and then we're all friends, and th--"

"I get it, Twilight."

"O-oh. Okay then, Princ-" Celestia just looked at Twilight. "I-I mean Celestia."

A blinding light came from the Everfree Forest. Suddenly, a human fell from the sky to drop unceremoniously onto the floor. They looked up to see a yellow Pegasus (Fluttershy) frozen in fear at the sky-teen. Before she could scream, however, a purple alicorn teleported between them.

Her horn glowed, and after a few seconds a hole appeared in the air. Before giving the human a chance to speak, she shooed him off into the portal with her wings, the human still in shock at the sudden arrival. He then spun into the portal, finally screaming as he traveled through the dimensional barrier.

He was spinning and screaming within the vortex, but he managed to hear the purple alicorn call something before he blacked out;

"It was all a dreeeeam!"

He bolted out of bed, still screaming before he realized it was just a dream. He looked down to find... he was still in his clothes. And it was dirty with twigs and leaves down the front. He decided he was delusional, and slumped back into bed.

"I really need to stop watching those kids shows."

Carl found himself walking into what appeared to be a pony immigration center... for humans. He ignored the contradiction and stepped in, to be interviewed by a mint unicorn with a Lyre on her flank. She had a light blue mane and tail with white streaks in them. She looked a bit overexcited by the humans, but tried her best to keep her composure all the same.

"Hello. I'm Lyra Heartstrings. Could you please fill out this form?" She floated a form with questions such as; What country do you live in? followed by; What is your address? There were many other questions like this, and at the top was; Did you suffer amnesia upon entering Equestria? He wondered if that was a common enough problem for it to be on the questionnaire, but he answered them all anyways.

Upon review of the form, she asked him to wait in that room over there, pointing with her hoof to a waiting room for the people sent back (He made this deduction by reading the sign above the door) but before he could enter, a human burst in, a switchblade held up to a pony's neck. The pony, he could tell, was close to tears, afraid for her life.

"Get down on the ground! Where am I? What are y--" Before he got to finish his demanding questions, a rainbow blur conked him on the back of the head. He collapsed, and the pony rushed to embrace her cyan savior. Carl knew this to be none other than Rainbow Dash, because his friend had shown the franchise to him before.

"I know, I'm awesome." A cream-colored female pony (a mare, he supposed) with a blue and pink mane and tail with three wrapped candies on her flank stepped forward to calm down the temporary bipedal populace. He was really one of the only few who needed calming, because the rest just went back to their pony pamphlets. Were all of these humans freaking crazy!? And that's not even mentioning the crazy talking rainbow ponies.

And just when he thought the day couldn't get any weirder, a pale pony with green mane and tail with brown stripes ran in, terrified. At least, it would have been ran if he was actually going fast. The poor thing was stumbling over it's own legs, as fast as it could to get to wherever it's destination is.

The mint unicorn - Lyra - looked up, and then shouted out to the back room; "We got a pony here!"

Immediately a winged purple unicorn (Princess Twilight Sparkle? He watched TV and saw the adverts) with her mane tied up into a bun and wearing glasses walked in and carried the poor human-pony into the back room with her using her magic horn powers. The mint unicorn glanced at him, and with a start realized he had not even started (heh) the form. He quickly went through it (No, he did not like My Little Pony) until finally, the biggest question of all was at the bottom. It simply read;

Would you like to be adopted by a pony in Equestria?
Ask Lyra for more info.

Carl wasn't surprised. He supposed he must have been in shock, because he felt nothing at this piece of information. He didn't feel disgusted that humans were being treated like dogs, and no he did not feel happy that he could be a potential pet for one of these magical horses. He just... wasn't surprised. Although it was a good thing they asked.

He walked up to Lyra and handed her the form. But before she could shoo him on, he said; "Could I know more about the pet humans in Equestria thing?"

Lyra's eyes lit up. "Oh, of course! Well, you'd be given to Foster (You'll like Foster, he makes the best cookies) until we can find a loving pony owner for you! Then, you can do things for your pony using your," she glanced at the grippers in question, "hands... To help them with whatever they need. You'll need to say whether or not you'd... do it with a pony, because if not then your options would be severely limited." He just stared.

"...Or not. Well then, please step into the room, where there will be a rune-activated portal ready for you to go home."

Carl ran through the door and dived into the portal, not caring where he would land.

Lyra shook her head in disappointment, looking down at Carl's form, and then underneath the desk. "He didn't even stay to collect his gift basket."