Cadance's first Hearts and Hooves Day after becoming the Princess of Love is going to be a lot more complicated than she expects.
It's Cadance's first Hearts and Hooves Day since she's come into her own as the Princess of Love, and she has high hopes for it. However, the day starts with a visit to Twilight's classroom that doesn't go at all the way she planned, and from there things only spiral further into chaos. By the time it's all over, Cadance will realize just how much she has to learn about love.
Hearts and Hooves Day has always been my favorite holiday. I’m pretty much obligated to like it. I am the Princess of Love, after all. While I’d certainly enjoyed it long before my ascension, the entire holiday had taken on a whole new dimension now.
Or at least, that was what I expected would happen. After all, this was my first real Hearts and Hooves Day since I’d become the Princess of Love. Not the first time the day had passed by since my ascension, but at this time last year I’d still been getting use to the idea of being a princess at all, let alone a princess with a special connection to this day. Princess Celestia had so much to teach me about being a princess before I was ready to start taking on royal duties.
I was ready now. Or at least, I hoped I was ready. Thankfully Hearts and Hooves Day wasn’t the sort of holiday where I needed to officiate over a huge public festival, and Aunt Celestia didn’t want to overwhelm me with too much. I was starting my royal appearances for the day with something nice, simple, and on familiar ground: an appearance in front of Twilight’s class at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.
While I waited for Twilight’s teacher, Mister Starglow, to prepare his class I decided to make a little small talk with my escorts. I really didn’t think I needed a pair of bodyguards just to visit Twilight’s school, but Aunt Celestia had insisted. It was all about protocol and appearances; I was a princess, so I had to have bodyguards. Guardsmare Shields was a nice, friendly unicorn only a couple years older than me who was absolutely delightful to talk to. Sergeant Plum, on the other hoof...
“I just hope the brats don’t mess everything up,” the old earth pony stallion groused. “Last time I went to one of these things the kids wanted to climb all over me like I was a featherin’ jungle gym. Had to spend all night polishing my armor get the dirt and scuff marks out. Kids got no discipline these days.”
Well, he was a bit more difficult to work with. Still, that was no excuse for not trying. I was the Princess of Love, after all. I could handle one of my bodyguards being a bit grumpy. I met his annoyed scowl with a smile that extended to his subordinate as well. “So, what are you two doing for Hearts and Hooves Day? I hope I didn’t throw off any of your plans.”
Shields waved my worries off. “As long as you don’t keep me several hours past when my shift’s supposed to end, I should be fine. My husband and I were planning for a romantic evening, but we both knew we would have work today. We have reservations at Cloud Nine at 1900 hours, so as long as I have time to freshen up, dress up, and make it there at least fashionably late...”
“That sounds like a lovely evening.” I turned to my other companion and tried to keep up my smile in the face of his annoyed scowl. “And what about you, sergeant? I ... I don’t suppose you have a special somepony waiting for you?”
“I married my high school sweetheart the day before I shipped out to basic training,” he grunted out, much to my surprise.
“You did? That sounds wonderful.” There was always something especially magical about seeing young love blossom into—
“We were a couple stupid kids who didn't know what we were getting into,” the sergeant growled. “She had no idea what being a Guard wife was like. Moving all over Equestria, not seeing me for months at a time. Came home from a year-long stretch in Westmarch to find the nag in bed with the mailpony.” His eyes flicked to Shields. “Best be careful, or the same thing’ll happen to you.”
My jaw dropped, and I struggled to think of something nice and hopeful to say after having that bombshell dropped on the conversation.
The sergeant continued on, either not noticing how gobsmacked I was or not caring. “Getting together with Cranky and the guys tonight. Kinda a tradition. We all get drunk and talk about how all this stupid romance horseapples ruined our lives.”
“Oh. Erm...” I floundered and tried to come up with something to say about how great love was that wouldn’t seem forced and trite. It’s surprisingly hard to talk about love and happiness without sounding as ridiculous as a cheap greeting card. A hardened, cynical soldier like Sgt. Plum would not be impressed by anything less than my best.
Before I could figure out exactly what to say, Twilight’s teacher, Mister Starglow, stepped out into the hallway. “Your Highness? We’re ready for you.” I smiled and nodded, and he stepped back inside. “Class, I have a very special treat for you today. In honor of Hearts and Hooves Day, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza has agreed to visit to our classroom and tell you all about the holiday, and why it’s so important.”
I signalled my guards to remain outside, earning a curt and almost grateful nod from the sergeant. I might need guards for appearance’s sake, but I was pretty sure Aunt Celestia wouldn’t expect me to bring a pair of heavily armed and armored guardponies into a classroom full of children. I trotted inside, smiling at all the enthusiastic young colts and fillies who were all staring at me with unabashed curiosity. Just being a princess would’ve been enough to fascinate them, but added to the fact that I hadn’t put in very many public appearances before this...
Naturally, I looked for Twilight first. Unsurprisingly, she was sitting in the front row, a large book taking up most of her desk. She smiled shyly when I caught her eye, and I winked at her.
There were a couple other familiar faces in the crowd. Or at least ponies I recognized from what Twilight had told me about her classmates. A blue filly with rather prominent braces that meant she was almost certainly Minuette grinned enthusiastically at me. “Woooow, you’re Princess Miya Moray Cadanza...?”
A mint green girl who just had to be Lyra hopped on top of her chair, squealing gleefully. “Cadance! That’s Twilight’s foalsitter Cadance!”
“A princess is coming to talk to us?!” A filly who matched Twilight’s description of Lemon Hearts squeaked out. “And she’s Twilight’s foalsitter? That’s so cool!”
The last of Twilight’s friends, Twinkleshine, nodded along. Her eyes shifted away from me, focusing on her teacher. “Mister Starglow must be really great if he can get a princess to come talk to us.”
I waited a few seconds more for the excitement to die down, then introduced myself properly. “Hello, children, it’s wonderful to meet you all. And please, just call me Cadance. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza takes forever to say. Besides, we're all friends, aren't we?”
Lemon Hearts gasped. “You wanna be our friends? No way!”
“I do,” I assured her. “I love getting a chance to meet such wonderful children, and I’m really looking forward to getting to know all of you.” I paused and winked at Twilight again. “Well, except for those of you I already know. Now, before I tell you a bit about the history of Hearts and Hooves Day, does anypony have any questions they would like to ask?” Normally questions were supposed to wait until after the lesson, but with how excited the girls were I had a feeling they wouldn’t pay any attention if I didn’t let them sate at least some of their curiosity.
They didn’t disappoint. Several hooves went up in the air, but Lyra’s was the highest. Probably because she was standing on her chair again. “Me! Oooh, oooh, pick me!” She grunted and strained to raise her hoof even higher. “Me me me! Pleeeeeease me!”
Minuette snickered and leaned across her desk to whisper to Twinkleshine. “Wow, I've never seen her so excited for a class before.”
I decided to let the squeaky wheel get the grease. “Alright then, go ahead, Lyra.”
Lyra’s eyes widened, and she softly gasped. “Princess Cadance knows my name!” She took a moment to compose herself, though she there was still a huge grin plastered across her face. “So who’s your special somepony for today? I bet it’s somepony super-amazing, because nopony else could be a princess’ special somepony!”
Twilight groaned and rolled her eyes, grumbling under her breath about what a silly question that was. If the curious stares I was receiving from the rest of the class were any indication, she was alone in that opinion.
I hesitated for a moment, then beamed at them all. “Well, that reminds me of an extra-special request I had for all of you. You see, I don’t actually have a special somepony right now, so I was hoping that all of you would agree to be my special someponies for today.”
Lemon Hearts cocked her head to the side, frowning at me. “What? Why don’t you have a special somepony already? Is it ‘cause there’s not any princes in Equestria to ask you?”
“That’s not true!” Twinkleshine snapped. “There’s a Prince Blueblood!”
Twilight piped up, her voice surprisingly lecturing for a young filly. “Technically Blueblood isn’t a prince, he’s only a duke. He’s just sometimes referred to as a prince because he’s distantly descended from the old Unicornian royal family. Plus he’s only a year older than us, so he couldn’t be Cadance’s special somepony.”
“Twiliiight!” Minuette whined. “Stop interrupting and telling us boring stuff from your books! Princess Miya Moray Cadanza is here!”
Mister Starglow pointedly cleared his throat. “Girls, please be quiet. You’re interrupting the princess when she’s our special guest.”
That made them hush ... for about two seconds. Then Twilight leaned across her desk towards Minuette, whispering. “It’s pronounced Mi Amore Cadenza, not Miya Moray Cadanza. Get her name right.” She sighed, then called up a quill and paper. “Here, let me spell it out for you.” She jotted my name down, then folded up the paper and offered it to Minuette.
“And you’ll get in sooo much trouble if Mister Starglow catches you,” Twinkleshine added. “We don’t wanna make him look bad in front of the princess!”
“It's not me!” Minuette whined. “It's Twilight who’s passing notes!”
“I was just trying to help...” she grumbled, taking the note back and slipping it inside her book.
I needed to reassert control over the classroom, and thankfully Lyra’s frantically waving hoof provided the perfect opening. “Yes, Lyra? What is it?”
The filly grinned triumphantly, then levelled an accusing hoof at her friends. “Cadance, tell everypony here that cooties are silly and made up!”
“Cooties aren’t made up!” Lemon Hearts immediately yelped. “They're totally real, and you can catch them from icky colts!”
“Cooties aren’t real, and you’re just a big dumb baby if you think they are!” Lyra shot back.
“You’re the baby,” the other filly growled. “And cooties are too real!”
“Are not!”
“Are too!”
“Are not!”
“Are too!”
Lyra turned to Twilight for support, having evidently completely forgotten that she’d asked me for help. “Twilight, you read lots of books! I bet one of your books said that cooties aren’t real and only goofy ponies who get their heads stuck in beakers believe in dumb stuff like that.”
Twilight paused a moment, thinking it over. “I haven’t read anything in my books that says cooties are real. But I did read about some other really bad things you can catch from colts called STDs. Maybe that’s the scientific name for cooties?”
My eyes went wide and my jaw dropped. “T-Twilight! How did you find out about STDs?! What kind of books have you been reading?!”
Twilight shrugged. “Moondancer was sick with the flu, and I wanted to read about diseases so I could find a way to make her better. One of my books talked about STDs along with all the other things that make ponies sick.”
Minuette gasped, her hooves flying over her mouth. “Oh no! Moony’s gonna so sad when she finds out she missed meeting Princess Cadance! Dumb flu.”
“Gaaals!” Lemon Hearts tried to shout them down. “You’re missing the point! Twilight just said that cooties were real, ‘cause she read about them in her books! They’ve been scienced and everything! That means I’m right and Lyra’s wrong!”
“Well, Twilight's wrong,” Lyra declared, proudly sticking her nose up in the air. “‘Cause if they were real, my mommy and daddy would've told me about them!”
“Well maybe your mommy and daddy were wrong!”
“Nuh-uh!” Lyra shot back furiously.
“Yeah-huh!”
“Nuh-uh!”
“Yeah-huh!”
“Nuh-uh times infinity!”
“Yeah-huh times infinity plus infinity times infinity more!”
“You can’t add infinity to infinity and then multiply it times infinity!” Twilight cut in, a hint of annoyance coloring her words. “Math doesn’t work that way!”
“Girls! Stop arguing right now!” I used my best disapproving foalsitter tone on them, but for some reason it didn’t work. I was beginning to suspect that Aunt Celestia’s grin when I told her about my plans for Hearts and Hooves Day had nothing to do with approving of my choice. I thought that my foalsitting experience would’ve equipped me to handle a classroom, especially when I’d foalsat for Twilight already. As I was rapidly learning, a classroom full of energetic young girls was a lot more work to keep in line than a single filly.
Fortunately, I’d learned an old spell from Aunt Celestia that was just perfect for this occasion. “GIRLS! BE QUIET AND SIT DOWN!”
By the time the windows finished rattling all the young ladies were back in their seats, perfectly quiet and looking forward attentively. I delicately cleared my throat and made sure to drop the enchantment on my voice. “Now then, does anypony else have any questions?”
Minuette’s hoof tentatively rose into the air. “Was Twilight right that STD is the scientific name for cooties?”
I wasn’t going to start that conversation up again. “Does anypony have any questions that aren’t about cooties?”
Several more hooves dropped down, but Twinkleshine’s stayed up. “Is Hearts and Hooves Day where foals come from? ‘Cause the other day Minuette was telling me that babies actually come from when a mommy and a daddy go to this special magical pool and look at their reflections.”
I smiled and fielded the question with what I hoped was a reasonable amount of tact. “I don’t know where you got the idea that babies come from reflections, but I suppose you could say that they come from Hearts and Hooves day, in a manner of speaking. You see, love is where foals come from. And since Hearts and Hooves day is all about celebrating love...” I trailed off as I noticed Twilight hesitantly lifting her hoof. “Yes? What is it, Twilight?”
Her hoof slowly dropped back down. “I don't want to argue, but I read something different in one of my books. After I read about STD’s I tried to find out more about them, and then I got this one book that said foals come from ... um...” She trailed off, her cheeks positively flaming.
I was definitely going to have a chat with Twilight’s parents about keeping a closer eye on what reading material she was getting her hooves on. I tried to slip past her remarks without outright telling Twilight she was wrong—she could be a bit stubborn about that kind of thing. “There is a bit more to where foals come from than just love, but all the little details can wait until you’re a bit older.”
“Why does it have to wait?” Twilight asked, frowning thoughtfully. “I really didn’t understand some of the stuff in that book I read. There was this one picture on page 327 that—”
“Twiliiiiight!” Twinkleshine whined. ”Mister Starglow said not to interrupt the class with your books stuff!”
“But books are always right,” she shot back.
Lyra groaned and rolled her eyes. “Love isn't a science, Twilight. It can't be booked.”
“Yes it can!” Twilight snapped, one of her ears flicking. “Anything worth knowing can be written down in a book.”
“Nuh-uh!”
“Twilight! Lyra!” Twinkleshine protested. “You're interrupting the Princess and making Mister Starglow look bad!”
I pointedly cleared my throat, and just in case that wasn’t enough, prepared to re-cast the spell for the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice. Fortunately, they took the hint and settled down on their own. Twilight shrank back into her chair, pulling out a book and hiding behind it. “Sorry, Cadance. I just wanted to get everything right...”
I gave her a quick reassuring smile to let her know I wasn’t mad at her. “It’s fine, Twilight.”
Minuette reached over to pat her on the back “We all know how much you like books.”
Since the girls were relatively calm for the moment, I made a valiant effort to get things back on track. “So, does anypony here have a special somepony?”
“I do!” Lyra immediately piped up, practically hopping up and down in excitement. “I do! I do! I do! I’ve got a special somepony!”
Nopony else immediately volunteered, but I couldn’t help noticing how Twinkleshine’s eyes shifted to her teacher when I asked that question. Apparently somepony was nursing a little schoolfilly crush. That was cute.
Minuette crumpled up a piece of paper and tossed it at Lyra’s head. “You don’t have a special somepony, Lyra. Stop being silly.” She turned her attention back to me. “Special someponies are for when you're grown up, right? I don't really think about that sort of stuff.”
“There’s nothing wrong with liking another pony at your age, Minuette,” I reassured her. Twilight’s class was certainly far too young for any serious romance, but a couple schoolyard crushes were all but inevitable. The last thing I wanted to do was discourage somepony from experiencing an age-appropriate romance.
“Oh.” Minuette tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Well I like everypony in class but I don't like like anypony yet.”
Lemon Hearts frowned and cocked her head to the side. “So you like me but you don't like me? What does that even mean?”
Twinkleshine tore her eyes away from her teacher to answer. “She doesn’t mean like, she means like like, beaker-head.”
Lemon Hearts groaned, her hooves flailing about in frustration. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I just like you as a friend, silly!” Minuette snapped.
“Ohhh!” Lemon Hearts’s eyes widened in comprehension. “Well why didn’t you just say so?”
“I did,” Minuette grumbled running a hoof through her mane.
Meanwhile, Lyra had clambered up on top of her desk, standing up and loudly declaring. “I do so have special someponies who I love! I love Twilight and Minuette and Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine and Moondancer and my mommy and my daddy and I even love you, Miss Princess Cadance!” She paused, frowning to herself. “But I think it's really sad when a pony doesn't have a special somepony, 'cause it's not nice to be lonely. Everypony deserves somepony to love on Hearts and Hooves day, but there are so many nice ponies who spend the day being all sad and alone.”
“Yes, they do, Lyra,” I agreed, hoping that would settle her enough that she would sit down again. However, her remark reminded me of what Sgt. Plum had mentioned earlier; his friends who got together every Hearts and Hooves Day to lament their own romantic misfortunes. The beginnings of an idea started stirring around in my brain. “Yes,” I murmured under my breath, “Everypony deserves that.”
Twinkleshine eagerly nodded along, her eyes flicking back to her teacher and her cheeks pinking slightly. “Yeah, it would be really nice if everypony who liked somepony could have their special somepony like them back.”
“It certainly would be.” My plan was fully taking shape now, and I knew I didn’t have a moment to lose. I was the Princess of Love. It was my duty to help ponies find love on Hearts and Hooves Day. I couldn’t afford to wait any longer to get started. “Thank you all for letting me visit your classroom, I had a lovely time.”
Lemon Hearts grinned and waved. “Thank you for coming, Miss Princess Cadance!”
Lyra seemed to take that as a challenge, and tried to make her smile wider than her friend’s and her waving at least twice as enthusiastic. “Yeah! Have a great Hearts and Hooves Day, Princess Cadance!”
Twilight was much more subdued, just smiling at me. “Thanks for coming, Cadey.”
I smiled at the girls and waved back. “I hope you all have a wonderful Hearts and Hooves Day. I hate to leave when you’ve all been so wonderful, but there other ponies I need to help enjoy this very special day.”
If I was going to start helping ponies find their special somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day, I knew exactly where I wanted to start. With my best friend, Shining Armor. Shiny and I had met while I was foalsitting for Twilight, and ever since then we’d been like two peas in a pod. I couldn’t think of somepony I’d love to share my Hearts and Hooves Day with more than him.
Shiny’s schedule was pretty consistent, on account of being in the Junior Reserve Cadet Training Program. In a couple years he would be going to West Hoof, and from there on to being an officer in the Royal Guard. He always said he wanted to be in charge of my bodyguards once he finished at West Hoof, so we could spend all day together. He was such a nice guy.
I found him on the training field where he was just finishing up with all the usual exercises they put junior cadets through. I’d joined in on that once, just to see what it was like. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but I wound up doing a lot better than I’d expected. Apparently being an alicorn comes with a few ... well Shiny had called them ‘unfair advantages.’ I suppose having the speed of a pegasus and the stamina of an earth pony did give me a bit of an edge over him.
I really hadn’t planned to lap him on the jogging track. It had just sort of ... happened.
I wanted today to start out on a much better note, so I was waiting for him at the end of the obstacle course with a nice, cold bottle of water. By the time he arrived sweat was pouring down his face, which made him seem surprisingly rugged and masculine. It was a nice look for him. He grinned when he saw me, though his eyes focused on the water bottle rather quickly. “Hey, Cadey, fancy meeting you here. Is that for me?”
“Hey yourself, Shiny. And it sure is.” I passed the bottle over, and he wasted no time guzzling it down.
The bottle was more than half-empty before he stopped drinking for long enough to answer me. “Thanks, Cadey. You’re the best.” He tipped the bottle back and drained it dry, wiping his sweat-clumped forelock out of his eyes. “What brings you around?”
I grinned and teasingly poked him in his very muscular chest. “What, can’t I just be stopping by to talk to my best friend? Now I have to have a reason to talk to you?”
“Of course you can,” he answered still breathing a little heavily from his run. “It's just y’know, I was wondering if there was any special reason you were here. To see me. Today. On Hearts and Hooves Day.”
I threw up my hooves in mock surrender. “Alright, you caught me, I do have a bit of a hidden agenda.” I grinned and leaned in close, whispering conspiratorially. “You might say I have some plans for Hearts and Hooves Day. I hope your schedule’s free.”
“Well, Friday night is usually when my Mazes and Magi group plays—” He paused, blinked, then shook his head. “I mean, yeah! Of course I’m free! What do you wanna do?”
I was a little surprised he was willing to pass up his weekly Mazes and Magi game; he always loved that. He’d tried to get me to play a couple times, and it did look like it might be fun, but with all my royal duties I just didn’t have time for it. Still, it was his choice if he wanted to play or not. “Well if you’re free, I guess it won’t be a problem if I steal you away. And if the cadet trainers have a problem with that, then too bad. I’m a princess.” I teasingly stuck out my tongue.
Shiny chuckled and nodded. “I don’t think anypony’s going to make a fuss.”
“Great!” I was so excited my wings fluttered of their own accord. “Is there anything you need to take care of before we go?”
Shining thought it over for a moment, then lifted one of his forelegs and sniffed himself. Judging by the way he recoiled and the pained expression on his face, he didn’t like what he’d found. “I think maybe I oughta grab a quick shower before we go ... anywhere that would put you downwind of me.” He grinned sheepishly, blushing. “Sorry. Y’know, exercise and stuff.”
If his own odor was enough to bother him that much, I certainly didn’t want any part of it. “Sure thing. Just don't take too long; it's not nice to make a lady wait, and that goes double for royalty.” I gave him a teasing poke in the side with one of my wings. “You don’t want another lecture from your mother, do you?”
Shiny rolled his eyes. “Like I told Mom, I didn’t mean to hit you in the face with that snowball. I was aiming for Twilight because she’d been pegging me all day whenever I turned my back on her.” Little did Shining know that I’d been helping her the whole time. It was part of my foalsitter duties. Honest. “Anyway, point taken. I won’t keep you waiting, Cadey. Promise.”
He trotted off to the locker room, and I made sure to stay upwind of him until he got there. I trotted over to some nearby bleachers and found somewhere reasonably comfortable to have a seat. For lack of any other way to distract myself, I made small talk with my bodyguards. “I bet this brings up some old memories.”
Sergeant Plum scoffed. “No, Your Highness. My parents were working ponies. They didn't have money to send me to some fancy-smancy military academy so that I could be a cute little junior cadet pretending to be a real soldier.”
Guardsmare Shields rolled her eyes. “Don’t be that hard on them, sarge. I’m sure you were a kid once, back before Celestia and Luna were born and the three tribes wandered the land, trying to find their future home.” She grinned, and the sergeant growled something under his breath that he definitely shouldn’t be saying in front of a princess. Shields turned back to me. “For what it’s worth, seeing a bunch of young ponies getting put through their paces does remind me of basic training. That was fun.”
The sergeant snorted. “As if this were anything close to basic. They get to go home to their mommy and daddy at the end of every day, and bed down with feather pillows and silk sheets, then sleep as late as they want. Put these brats through the grind and I bet half of them would quit by the end of the first night.”
I frowned and shook my head. “Not Shining. He’s strong.”
The sergeant frowned, but wasn’t about to argue with me. Instead he just shrugged. “If you say so, Your Highness. You know your friend better than I do.”
“Yes, I do.” That exchange killed my interest in any more small talk, so we all just waited silently for Shining to finish up. A couple of the cadets who hadn’t finished up their own exercises trotted by, and I couldn’t help but grin to myself when they spotted me, and immediately tried to pick up their pace and puff out their chests. I couldn’t help but wonder if that reaction was on account of me being a princess, or just a pretty mare. Probably a bit of both.
Before I could distract or motivate any of the other cadets, Shining returned. His mane was still a bit damp from the shower, but had been quite neatly brushed out, and he was dressed up in a very snappy junior cadet uniform. He grinned and waved, trotting over. “Hey, Cadey. I think I’m clean enough to ... y’know, be seen with you. And stuff.” As he trotted a bit closer, I caught a whiff of some cologne I vaguely recognized as his father’s.
I gave him a thorough examination, and I liked what I saw. “Well somepony’s going all out. Not that I’m complaining: I bet it'll be easy to find you a date with you looking this good.”
Shiny blinked, a slight frown flicking across his face. “Er ... yeah?”
The wheels started spinning in my head as I tried to think of who exactly I should set him up with. Considering how handsome he looked right now, I shouldn’t have a hard time; any single mare would jump at a chance to spend time with him. “Well, first things first. If I’m helping you get a date for Hearts and Hooves Day, is there anypony you have your eye on?” I waved towards the training field, which had no shortage of athletic young mares hard at work. “Maybe another cadet? There aren’t rules against that, are there?”
Shiny didn’t say anything, his mouth hanging halfway open. I glanced back, wondering what the problem was, and he finally seemed to recover his wits. “Um, excuse me? I thought, er...” He ran a hoof through his mane, his gaze dropping to the ground. “I ... well ... I think we might have had a miscommunication. I thought we were gonna ... um...”
“Oh!” I tapped my own forehead, feeling quite silly. “Of course! I didn’t explain what I was planning. Sorry, I guess I was just really excited to find you a date for tonight, and I got ahead of myself. But yes, that’s what we’re going to do. It’s Hearts and Hooves Day, and you’re my best friend. As Princess of Love, it’s practically my royal duty to help you find your special somepony.” I paused, hesitating for a moment. “I hope I'm not being too pushy.”
“No no, it’s fine.” Shiny coughed, looking to the side. “It’s just that ... well, I was thinking...” He cleared his throat. “That is, when you ... well I thought...” His cheeks flushed, and he scuffed a hoof along the ground. “Actually, it’s ... well ... something I've been meaning to ask...”
I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out what he was trying to say. It was a bit hard to make out with how much he was mumbling. “What is it, Shiny?”
“It’s...” He looked up and met my eyes for a long moment, his mouth hanging halfway open. Then his head dropped, and he murmured. “N-never mind. S’not important.” He sighed, and his shoulders slumped. “I was just gonna ... um ... h-how about we go .... hang out!”
My ears drooped a bit. Why didn’t he want me to help him? Did he not trust me to help him find a good date? “Oh ... well ... sorry. I guess if you don’t want to—”
“No!” He blurted out, his eyes wide. “That’s not what I—you're great, Cadey! Everypony knows that. That's why I wanna ... go out—to hang out—with you. Since you’re a pony that's my friend but ... you know, as friendly friends.”
My shoulders slumped down. “Well, alright then. If that’s what you want...” I sighed, my own gaze dropping to the ground. “But I was really looking forward to helping you find your special somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day...”
He grimaced, hesitantly reaching towards me but not quite putting a hoof on my shoulder. “Hey, c’mon, Cadey. Perk up. Don’t get all mopey on me. I just want you to be happy. With me, and in general, but also with me. I know you wanna help me out, because you’re great. The greatest filly I know.”
I answered him with a wan smile. “Thanks, Shiny. You’re a great friend and a really sweet guy.” I stood up and stretched my wings. “I guess I better go do ... um ... princess things. Have fun with your Mazes and Magi game.”
Shiny bolted up from his own seat, galloping in front of me. “Wait, no!” He planted his hooves and took a deep breath. “We ... we can do whatever you wanna do, Cadey.”
My ears perked up hopefully, and a small grin returned to my face. “So ... you want me to find you a date?”
His face looked like he’d swallowed something very unpleasant. “Yeah. Something like that.”
I wasn’t sure what to make of his odd behavior, so all I could do was hope he would get over whatever was bothering him once I found a nice mare. I put on my best smile in the hopes that it would help lift him out of the funk he seemed to be in. “Alright then! Let’s find you a date.” I looked out over the parade ground, and settled on a surprisingly svelte unicorn mare. “What about her? She seems nice.”
Shining barely even looked at the mare before shaking her head. “Um, maybe I'm looking for somepony not going to my school. You know, fraternization being an issue.” He flushed and ran a hoof along the back of his neck. “I mean, it’s not technically against the rules for junior cadets, but it kinda makes things ... complicated.”
“Hmm.” I wasn’t about to give up after one failure, so I tapped my chin and thought over my options. “Alright then. Maybe somepony from the nobility? I’m reasonably well acquainted with most of them thanks to Aunt Celestia.”
Shining nodded along. “Yeah, that could work.” He hesitated, rubbing one of his forelegs. “Y’know, somepony really high up in the nobility, near the top of the ranks.”
Huh. That was a bit unexpected. Shiny had never struck me as the type to care too much about rank. Maybe his parents had been pushing him to think about how his romantic prospects would affect his family’s status? The Sparkles were certainly prominent enough that there was an element of politics to his marriage prospects. “Okay then, high-ranking nobility. Duchess Fairleaf's daughter is close to your age. Lord Electrum’s twins too, though they’re a bit...” I struggled to think of the most diplomatic way to put it. “Full-figured. House Cumulus has a few nice mares your age, but they’re not quite upper nobility anymore. Then there’s the Kicker heiress, but ... well, the age gap between you two might be a bit too wide for now.” A five year difference wouldn’t be a big deal once we got a bit older, but...
Shiny shook his head. “It’s, um ... well.” He groaned and slumped back onto the bleachers. “I don’t want to ... I like, erm...” He looked back up at me. “What I want to say is...” His mouth hung open, and no words came out.
Once the silence stretched for long enough to become awkward, I gave him a gentle little nudge. “Yes? What is it?”
Shining took a deep breath. “The thing is, I want to be with somepony I know. I don’t wanna go out with somepony I’ve barely even met. Y’know, it should be with somepony I’ve known for a while now. Who I know really well. Like a friend.”
“Hmm.” Well that certainly complicated things. So Shiny wanted a member of the nobility, and somepony he was good friends with... “Well, I don't know any mares like that. Aside from me, all your friends are stallio...”
My eyes popped wide open as I realized what he was getting at. “Oh! You're ... oh. I never realized ... oh.” Everything about how oddly he’d been acting suddenly made so much more sense. I couldn’t believe I’d missed all the obvious clues. He was my best friend, and I was the Princess of Love. I really should’ve noticed sooner. “Well, no wonder you were acting so ... oh.”
Shiny smiled hopefully. “Yeah? So ... um ... do you ... that is...”
I smiled and put a wing over his shoulders, leaning in a bit closer to make sure we had some privacy. “Shiny! Why didn't you tell me sooner? Oh, I feel so silly now with all that talk about fixing you up with a nice mare...”
I quickly scanned the training field, then pointed out a couple strapping young stallions. “So ... which of them is more your type?”
Shining blinked, and his jaw dropped. “What? I ... uh ... what?!”
I gave him a reassuring little squeeze with my wing. “That's what you were trying to tell me, right? That you like stallions?” After all, he’d said he wanted to hook up with a good friend of his, and aside from me, all his friends were stallions, so...
“What?!” His jaw opened and closed several times, but no comprehensible words came out. “No, nooo, nonono, that's not what I'm saying at all! What I was trying to say was that ... um...” He trailed off, his cheeks positively flaming.
I tightened that reassuring wing over his shoulders, letting my friend know I was there for him. “You don't have to be embarrassed, Shining. I'm the Princess of Love. All love. I know it can be rather frightening to confront and accept your own sexuality, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with preferring stallions. I will be here to support you every step of the way.”
Shining pulled out from under my wing, his face red as a beet. “I-I-I have something I just forgot! Big assignment! Get all the demerits if I don't turn it in on time! Sorry, gottagonow! Bye! We’ll, uh ... bye!” He galloped away so fast you would think a pack of timberwolves were on his heels.
I stared after my friend as he practically fled from me. I cast a concerned look back at my bodyguards. “Did I overwhelm him? I was just trying to be supportive.”
The sergeant, much to my surprise, was actually grinning. “I think you did, Your Highness. You're just too much for the young stallion.”
I sighed, my shoulders slumping in guilt. “I'll have to make it up to him later. Tomorrow, once he’s had a bit to settle down. I should’ve realized how fragile he would feel after opening up to me about something that big...”
Sergeant Plum snorted. “Assuming he can pony up. He won't last five minutes in the Long Patrol if he can't do better than that. Monsters are a lot meaner than princesses. Lot scarier too.”
I scowled at the sergeant, making no effort to hide my displeasure with him. “I’d suggest you watch your words, sergeant. Shiny's my friend.”
He nodded, his face stoically blank once more. “So I noticed, Your Highness.”
After the disaster with Shiny I gave up on any grand plans of spreading love across Canterlot. If I couldn’t even help my best friend, what chance did I have with random strangers?
As I usually did whenever something was bothering me, I went looking for my aunt. It had taken a long time to get used to thinking of Princess Celestia, the supreme ruler of all of Equestria, the Unconquerable Sun made flesh, as ‘Aunt Celestia’ but she’d insisted on it. And she’d certainly done a fine job of being my mentor ever since I’d become an alicorn princess.
Aunt Celestia was in her private rooms, having an early dinner. She always liked to joke that older ponies liked to eat their dinners early in the evening, and since she was the oldest pony in Equestria she could hardly break precedent.
When I stepped into her dining room I saw that she’d set the table for two, and there was already a plate waiting for me. I wasn’t surprised; sometimes Aunt Celestia just seemed to know things. Though in this case I wasn’t sure if she was using some mystical source of knowledge and insight, or if my bodyguards had just sent word ahead to the palace.
I settled down into the place she’d so thoughtfully prepared for me, smiling and nodding gratefully. “Hello, Aunt Celestia.”
Aunt Celestia set aside her silverware and offered me a welcoming smile. “Cadance, it’s always lovely to see you. I’m glad you made it before your food got cold. I find that something kept under a warming spell just isn’t the same as when you get it fresh from the kitchen.”
The aroma of an expertly prepared pasta dish struck my nostrils, and my stomach let out an approving rumble. I’d been so wrapped up in all my plans and ideas for Hearts and Hooves Day that I’d skipped lunch. Aunt Celestia chuckled. “Go ahead and eat, Cadance. Teenagers need plenty of food, and alicorn teenagers need even more than the rest of them.”
That was all the invitation I needed to tear into the delicious pasta as fast as I could without tossing aside all the princessly decorum I’d been trained in. One of the perks of being a princess is that the best chefs in Equestria prepare our meals. Even a relatively simple pasta dish becomes something sublime when a master chef makes it. Something about how the vegetables, sauce, noodles, and cheese all came together to make everything taste wonderful.
Once I’d cleaned my plate I slumped back into my seat, letting out a sigh that was one part contentment and two parts weariness. Aunt Celestia picked up on my mood, quirking an eyebrow curiously. “Long day?”
“Things didn't exactly go as planned,” I admitted.
She smiled sympathetically, then took a dainty bite of her own meal. “Would you like to talk about it? I’m always willing to listen.”
A part of me almost wanted to laugh at her asking that question after she’d set everything up to encourage me to talk to her. But one of the many etiquette lessons I’d learned over the years was that a princess should observe all the social niceties, even if they’re a bit silly under the circumstances. “The children were quite a hooffull. More than I was ready for, really. Keeping order in a classroom is much harder than foalsitting.”
“Children can be hard to manage if you don't have experience.” She idly twirled her fork in her dish. “I’ve had no shortage of opportunities to see that.” She paused, then gave me an encouraging smile. “Fortunately, experience is one of those things that comes with time. I expect that next time you visit a classroom you will be more prepared for the task before you.”
For a moment I could swear I saw a mischievous twinkle in her eye, and I frowned suspiciously. “You could've warned me about what I was up against before I visited Twilight's school. Especially since you were the one who encouraged me to do it.”
She took a suspiciously long sip of tea that I could swear was just an excuse to hide a grin. “I find some of the best lessons are learned first hoof.”
“Is that so?” I felt my annoyance already ebbing away. This wasn’t the first time Aunt Celestia had been a bit sneaky about teaching me something, and in all likelihood it wouldn’t be the last. It was something I’d just accepted about our relationship, even if it did still irk me a little. “Well, I certainly learned something from this. Children are harder to deal with in groups than they are as individuals. They feed off each other, and get each other excited...”
Celestia grinned at me over her teacup. “What makes you think that only applies to children?”
Ah. Now I was starting to see what she had in mind. Probably a very valuable lesson about how to deal with ponies from a leadership position, but I wasn’t in the mood to learn. “The children weren’t the worst part of it, though. The whole mess with Shiny...” I sighed, slouching down in a most un-princessly manner.
“What happened?” she gently prompted.
I groaned and ran a hoof down my face. “Let's just say I learned some very surprising facts about his romantic preferences. And considering I was trying to help him find a special somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day, only to find out that I had been on the completely wrong track the entire time...” My cheeks flushed. “It was very embarrassing.”
Celestia hummed to herself, tapping her bowl with her fork. “That sounds very interesting. Perhaps you could tell me exactly what happened instead of letting me guess what's going on by only providing a few vague clues and cryptic, open-ended statements?” She smirked playfully at me. “We both know that it’s my job to be vague and mysterious. It makes me seem wise and all-knowing. It wouldn’t do for you to start moving in on my territory. Ponies might get confused and upset.”
“Sorry,” I smiled apologetically. “It’s just that ... well, it's rather personal.”
She nodded understandingly. “I promise I will show the utmost discretion.”
“Thanks,” I took a deep breath, then spilled the beans. “Shining Armor is ... well ... that is to say he ... erm ... prefers the company of other stallions to that of mares.”
Celestia grinned to herself, buttering up a roll. “Oh really? You're sure about that?”
I shrugged. “Pretty sure, yes. He didn’t come right out and say it, but all the signs were there.”
“Well...” She paused to nibble on her roll. “That's a bit of a surprise.”
“I know I was shocked by it.” My ears slumped as I thought about what happened next. “And I think I overdid my supportiveness once I found out. I was just trying to be a good friend to him, but he got really embarrassed and ran away with an obviously made-up story about last-minute homework.”
“I see.” Aunt Celestia used her roll to mop up some of the leftover pasta sauce. “I will say that stallions his age can get a bit skittish when talking about love and romance. At least in this day and age.” She shrugged. “When I was your age, it was quite the opposite. Bards were always going on about stallions whose hearts swelled with emotion, or entire armies swooning whenever things went badly. Now everypony expects stallions to be so stoic and controlled. It can seem a bit silly at times.” She paused then smirked. “Granted, the synchronized swooning was every bit as preposterous.”
A terrible part of me wanted to snicker at the mental image of Shining swooning like a maiden in one of those terrible romance stories. “Still, I feel bad about what happened. I shouldn't have made such a big deal over it—instead of helping him I just made him feel worse by putting him on the spot.” I sighed, slumping down so my chin rested on the table. “I feel like such a terrible Princess of Love.”
Aunt Celestia rose from her seat, walking over and putting a supportive hoof on my shoulder. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Cadance. Shining might be a bit shaken up, but I’m sure he’ll be fine. Just try and be a bit patient with him in the future—sometimes we’re so eager to help somepony that we don’t stop and think about whether they need our help.”
I smiled and nodded, grateful for the reassurance even if it didn’t actually fix any of my problems. Sometimes it’s just nice to know that somepony cares that you’re upset and wants to help you feel better. “I just wish I could've helped one pony find love...”
She smiled cryptically. “The day isn't done yet, Cadance. Though I think perhaps you should take this as a learning experience. Just because you are a princess doesn’t mean you can accomplish everything you set your mind to. That was why I sent you to the school in the first place instead of doing something a bit ... larger.”
“Something bigger?” An idea popped into my head. An utterly insane idea. But if I could somehow pull it off...
Aunt Celestia nodded along, quite oblivious to the scheme already hatching in my mind. “I wasn't about to throw you to the wolves and have you do something like run a major Hearts and Hooves Day festival when you're not ready for it. Better to start small and work your way up.”
“Of course.” I thought it over for one last moment, then decided to go for it. “But sometimes we have to be bold, and try something bigger than what we’re ready for. I just realized that there is one very special pony I might be able to help today.”
She grinned. “Is that so? Who did you have in mind?”
I took a deep breath, then committed myself to the plan. “Well, Auntie, I can't help but notice that you don’t have a special somepony.”
“That is true...” She tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Though that has hardly been a burden. To be honest, I’m perfectly happy with things as they are. I expect I would be terrible at a relationship in any case; I’m far too busy taking care of all of my little ponies, not to mention that I’m rather set in my ways. It’s inevitable when you get to be my age.” She sipped her tea, smiling at me. “Really, Cadance, I appreciate the thought, but there’s no need to go to so much trouble just to find me a special somepony. I wouldn’t want to make you go to all that effort just for me.”
“But I want to help!” I insisted as firmly as I dared.
She frowned to herself, and didn’t say anything for quite a while. Then she sighed and shrugged. “Well, I suppose there's no harm in indulging you for a bit...”
I grinned, eager to get down to business and redeem myself as Princess of Love. “Alright then. So ... what do you look for in a partner, auntie?”
“Hmm...” A wistful smile flickered across her face. “To start with, I do prefer taller mares. It’s rather awkward to have to bend too far down all the time.”
I nodded along. “Of course, that makes sense.” And definitely cast an interesting light on some old rumors about her love life. There was never any proof that she’d had lovers, but a lack of evidence never stopped rumors from circulating. Some of those rumors had involved rather tall mares...
“Secondly,” she continued, “while it's hardly a requirement, I do like pink coats.”
“Is that so?” Interesting. Very interesting. I was hardly an expert on every rumor about my aunt’s love life, but I didn’t recall any tall pink-coated mare being mentioned...
“Oh, and multicolor manes are nice to look at, too,” she continued. Her tone turned musing as she ran her spoon along the edge of her bowl, gathering up the last few remnants of her meal. “And I do like a good, long horn, if possible. Though wings are nice to play with in bed too. Not to mention being able to go on nice, long flights together. And you really can't beat the endurance of an earth pony. It really is difficult when you can normally only get your pick of one, don't you think? I much prefer having the whole package.”
Wait a second...
Tall mare. Pink coat. Multi-colored mane. Alicorn.
In other words...
My cheeks lit up. “Uh ... um ... that’s...”
She turned to me with a mischievous little grin. “You wouldn't happen to know of a pony who might have all the traits that I’m looking for, would you? That would make me a very, very happy mare.”
“Aunt Celestia!” I blurted out, but just a little extra stress on her honorary title.
Her answering smile was the very picture of innocence. “Yes, Cadance?”
“You—you're—that's...” I struggled to come up with the words to express just how wrong this was. “You're my aunt!”
“Yes, I'm aware,” she answered as calmly as if we were discussing the weather. “I did adopt you into my house, after all. It wasn’t that long ago, I haven’t forgotten.”
“Yes!” I blurted out. “You adopted me! Which means you can't ... um...” I trailed off, not willing to actually say what she’d been implying.
She leaned forward, putting her head entirely too close to mine. Her eyes locked onto mine, and I froze in place. “Can't what, Cadance?”
She was so close. Too close. I couldn’t even think of anything to say beyond, “Meep!”
She leaned in further, and for a moment I wondered if she was going to kiss me right then and there. However, at the last second she altered her course, her cheek nearly brushing against mine as she whispered a single word into my ear.
“Gotcha!”
It took a second for what she’d just done to actually register. I nearly tumbled backwards out of my chair as the truth struck me, sputtering indignantly as I realized that it had all just been another one of her pranks. “Celestia! That wasn't funny!” I tried to sound righteously indignant, but I was still far too flustered to pull it off.
My aunt returned to her seat, grinning far too much for my liking. “I beg to differ. I found it most amusing. I’m sure you will too, once you catch your breath.” She chuckled to herself. “It was a harmless prank, Cadance. I’m sure you’ll survive, and I doubt you’ll be too horribly traumatized by the ordeal.”
I took several deep breaths, trying to salvage the tattered remnants of my dignity. “For what it’s worth, you definitely got me.”
“Oh, if you could’ve seen the look on your face...” She chuckled again, then shook her head. “Trust me, as you get older you'll want to take what moments of humor you can get. Especially as you pick up more of your princessly duties. Plus the occasional little prank is a great way to help ponies relax when they’re too nervous about meeting with royalty.”
“Right.” I was already in a bit of a sour mood before the prank, and being reminded of my royal duties didn’t do anything to help it. “Though I think I’d need to avoid botching all those duties of mine before anypony would be nervous around me.”
Celestia waved away my bitterness. “None of that now, Cadance. It was your first time trying to publicly act as Princess of Love, and it won't be your last. I certainly wasn’t perfect the first time I tried to raise the sun all by myself. It might just be that you got a bit unlucky. Once you’ve had a good night’s sleep and feel a bit better we can go over everything in detail and figure out how to improve for next year.”
I sighed, listlessly poking at a half-eaten dinner roll. “I guess we could, yeah. I just wish there was one thing I could do to help promote love that had actually worked...”
She gave me another one of those mysterious, all-knowing smiles. “Maybe you just need to talk to the right pony? Someone who needs a helping hoof to understand the truth about love?”
“Yeah, sure...” I grumbled, not even really paying attention to what she’d said. A second later something clicked in my brain, and another plan sprang to mind. Considering how badly my last scheme had backfired I was tempted to ignore the idea, but at this point I really had nothing left to lose. Well, except for more of my dignity. “I think I know who I need to talk to.”
“Do you now?” Celestia asked with a smile. “And who might that be?”
I found my target exactly where he’d told me he would be; in a bar near the Guard barracks. I opted for a nice cloak with a face-concealing hood to let me slip in without attracting too much attention. I didn’t want everypony making a fuss over me, especially when I was going to a place that probably wasn’t an appropriate destination for a princess.
After a quick look through the window confirmed that he was present, I stepped inside, only to find my path blocked by a rather burly unicorn stallion who glared down suspiciously at me. “Mind taking off that hood and showing me some ID?”
“Excuse me?” It had been a long time since anypony had used that tone with me. Princesses are treated with far more respect than that. “I don’t know who you think you are, but—”
“I’m the bouncer here,” he grunted out. “Name’s Hard Case. Now show me some ID, or scram.”
Well, this had not gone according to plan at all. However, I wasn’t going to let my quest for love be deterred by a bar bouncer. Obviously revealing myself wasn’t an option, so I would need to find another way past him. Perhaps a distraction? The Want-it Need-it spell should do quite nicely if I found the right—
My train of thought abruptly derailed as somepony loudly cleared their throat behind the bouncer. Sergeant Plum stepped forward, his face carefully blank. “It’s alright, Hard. She’s with me.”
The bouncer’s scowl didn’t fade, but he did move out of my path. “Fine. You say she’s good, then she can come in. Still not getting anything to drink unless I see some ID, and you and all your buddies’ plots will hit the curb if you try sneaking anything past me. I’ll be watching.”
“Figured on that,” the sergeant grunted out. “Don’t worry, I’ll behave. Not ‘cause you scare me, tough guy, but ‘cause I really don’t want to find out what her aunt would do to me if I brought her niece home drunk.”
Hard Case shrugged, making a point of showing how little he cared about anything the sergeant said. Sergeant Plum responded by turning his back on the bouncer, meeting pointed indifference with pointed indifference. Once the pointless posturing was done, Plum led me to a relatively isolated corner of the bar, then dropped his voice to a careful whisper. “Princess, mind telling me why the fea—” He grimaced and shook his head. “Why exactly you’re here? Are you even old enough to be here?”
My pride still stinging from the encounter with the bouncer, I lifted my nose haughtily into the air. “I am a princess of Equestria. It is my duty to mingle with my subjects, that I might come to better know all of them. As Princess Celestia herself said, ‘no door in all Equestria should be barred to the royal family, else we would not be able to spread harmony across the land.’”
A faint smirk tugged at the old soldier’s lips. “Your Highness, that sounds like a very fancy way of saying ‘No, I’m not old enough.’” I did my best to glare intimidatingly at him, but it seemed that my displeasure had absolutely no effect. Once I gave up on that, he chuckled softly. “I’ll ask again, why are you here?”
I sighed and tried to put aside my wounded pride for the moment to return to the reason I’d come in the first place. “Right. I came here to talk to you. And your friends.”
“That so?” He looked me over, then smirked. “Word of advice for sneaking into places you don’t belong: you’ll do a lot better if you look and act like you belong there. Dressing up in a big, heavy, face-concealing robe just makes you stand out so much you might as well be shouting ‘I’m up to something suspicious!’”
“So noted,” I grumbled.
“So then,” the sergeant grunted out. “You’re here. You wanna talk to me. Why?”
“Well...” I struggled to figure out the best way to explain what I had in mind. “Well, you told me that you had a rather unfortunate experience in love. The incident with your wife. Ex-wife,” I quickly corrected. “And, well, I thought maybe I could help you feel better.”
He lifted a single eyebrow, staring at me skeptically. “Might wanna clarify what you have in mind. Lotta ways somepony could take that remark about making me feel better, some of which would go very, very badly for me.”
It took me a moment to figure out what exactly he was implying, but when I did my cheeks lit up. I quickly tossed up a privacy spell that would make everypony else think our conversation was incredibly dull and not worth listening in on before answering. The last thing I wanted was that annoying bouncer overhearing this. “I didn't mean anything like that! You’re old enough to be my grandfather!”
“I’m not that old,” the veteran grunted out, scowling at me. “Father, maybe. If I had you young. In any case, not like I was worried about that. Just don’t want anypony to overhear and get the wrong idea. Bad enough that you’re here at all, last thing I need is more trouble. If I wasn’t off-duty, I’d already be dragging you back to the palace by your tail.”
My eyes narrowed. “You wouldn’t dare...”
“You really think your aunt would be more upset with me than she’d be with you?” He grimaced and shook his head. “Lucky for you, I’m not on the clock right now, so for the moment I’ll play along. I’m slightly less of a hardflank when the government isn’t paying me to be a hardflank. Slightly.” He shrugged. “So I’ll indulge you. For now.”
In other words, I was on thin ice. He was probably right that if he told Aunt Celestia he had caught me sneaking into a bar she wouldn’t make a big deal over him dragging me back to the palace. With that in mind, I didn’t waste any time getting straight to the point. “You mentioned how you and all your old friends get together every Hearts and Hooves Day to talk about how terrible your experiences with love have been. I understand you’ve have some very difficult experiences, but I was hoping that I could talk to you all about your problems and help you see the brighter side of things.”
The sergeant grunted and scratched his chin. “No.” After a moment he politely amended, “Thank you for the offer, Princess.”
I frowned, surprised and a bit offended by his answer. “What do you mean, no?”
He met my annoyed look stoically. “No, as in negative; the opposite of yes. If you prefer, I'm declining your offer.”
Confusion replaced my initial stung pride. “But why? I can tell you’re in pain. Don’t you want help fixing it?”
He snorted, waving my offer away again. “It's an old, well-healed wound I don't want reopened. I got out of all of that longer ago than you've been around, and for a good reason. Doesn’t bother me anymore, as long as nopony goes poking at it.”
I unleashed my best imitation of Aunt Celestia’s all-knowing look of insight. “I think if the wound was that healed, you wouldn't be bitter about it all these years later. Healed wounds don’t cause pain.”
“Wounds leave scars.” He scowled, then chugged down the rest of his cider, wiping his mouth with the back of his hoof once he was done. “Got me talking in metaphors now. Point is, it’s in the past, and I’m happy keeping it there. Ain’t like my life’s a pit of misery and loneliness on account of me not having a mare waiting at home for me, or some pretty girl to take out to the movies and spend too much money on.”
Our conversation briefly paused as a waiter dropped off a fresh drink for the sergeant, as well as pointedly leaving a glass of milk in front of me. I was a bit miffed that they were making such a big deal over my age when I clearly wasn’t trying to sneak alcohol; I just wanted to talk to somepony who happened to be in a bar. A bit of my annoyance reflected back on Sergeant Plum when I answered him. “I'm not saying you should go running into the hooves of the first willing mare or anything. I just want you to realize that just because you had one bad experience means you should give up on every form of love.”
He sighed, cutting me off with an upraised hoof. “Let me stop you right there. I know you seem to have gotten it into your head that just because you’re supposed to be the Princess of Love or something, it’s your job to go around making sure everypony in Equestria’s so lovey they shoot rainbows out of their plot. But you need to learn that you're not going to do much good if you try and poke your nose where ponies don't want it.”
“Oh.” My ears fell flat against my skull. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to bother you, I just wanted to help you.” A tiny little whimper escaped the back of my throat. “I just ... I’m supposed to be the Princess of Love, and today’s the holiday celebrating love. I thought I could really help ponies find love or feel better about love or ... or something. But everything I try goes wrong, and now it feels like I’m...”
A flicker of something that might have been guilt or concern flashed across the sergeant’s face, and he shot a nervous look around the room despite us being under a privacy spell. “Dammit, girl, don’t get all weepy on me. Last thing I need is a princess sobbing her eyes out. You gotta learn that you can't fix everything, and you'll go nuts if you try.” He swirled his drink, staring down into it. “Pick your battles. When you can win, engage; when you can't, don't. It'll save you a lot of stress. For example: me, Crank, and the rest are going to meet up in a bit to bitch about how romance is a crock of shi—hor—” He growled, drumming a hoof on the table in place of using an obscenity. “Look, we’re all a bunch of grouchy, bitter old guys who’re too crotchety and set in our ways to change. We’re grumpy old men, and we’re happy that way. Save yourself a losing battle and focus on the ponies who’d like your whole love and happiness talk.”
I took a deep breath and shook off my bout of self-pity. “No. I don't want to accept that some ponies can't be helped. Maybe you’re right, but I’m going to try anyway.”
The sergeant growled out something under his breath. “You’re a stubborn one, aren’t you? Didn’t figure you for the type to dig in her hooves and keep going.”
“I prefer to think of myself as determined,” I answered with a grin. “I don’t give up on things that matter. And right now, I’ve decided that I want to make your Hearts and Hooves Day a happy one. Maybe it’s a silly thing to take a stand on, but I’m going to do it.”
“So what, you’re not gonna leave me alone until I dress up like cupid and run around telling everypony how wonderful love is?” He took a long pull of his cider, then shook his head. “Anypony who's ever said that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all never walked in on their wife and the mailpony.”
I tried to think of something I could say to make that better, and realized there was nothing. “You’re right. I have no idea what that would feel like, and I'm very sorry that happened to you.” I took a deep breath and tried to get the conversation back to a more positive track. “But do you want that one event that happened a long time ago to define the rest of your life?”
Sergeant Plum let out an annoyed grunt. “You talk about it like I had a choice in the matter.”
“You didn't have a choice in what happened.” Technically one could play the ‘what if’ game and argue that he might have had some way to prevent his wife’s affair, but that didn’t change the fact that she had chosen to break her vows. “You do have a choice in how you deal with it. I’m sure you understand that sometimes bad things just happen. What would you tell a recruit who wanted to give up the first time they suffered a reversal?”
“To get up and get back at it instead of lying around whining and acting like a—” He cut himself off before he could use a word that probably wouldn’t have been appropriate. “Alright, point taken. You think I need to stop whining about the past and move on.”
“I wouldn’t have put it exactly that way...” I took a moment to order my thoughts. “I'm not telling you to try romance again. If you’re happy being single, then there’s nothing wrong with that. All I want is to help you move past the pain of things that happened a long time ago.”
He scoffed and shook his head. “Been living with it since before you were a twinkle in your father’s eyes, princess. If you think a couple minutes of talking to you is gonna make me less of a grouchy old bastard, you’re dreaming.” He drained the rest of his cider. “After all, me and the guys get together and go over all this stuff every year, and it hasn’t made any of us less grumpy. Which reminds me, they’ll probably be here soon. Might wanna make yourself scarce before they show up.”
My ears perked up a bit. “Actually, if you don't think they would mind, I would like to talk to them too. You’re not the only one I was hoping to cheer up.”
He snorted. “Ambitious, aren’t you?” He sighed and ran a hoof down his face. “The guys are gonna give me so much grief about dragging you into our annual tradition...”
I grinned and leaned forward. “I can’t help but notice that for all your complaining, you didn’t even think of not bringing me along. You did say that if you thought I was wasting your time you’d drag me back to Aunt Celestia. You’ve done plenty of grouching, grumping, and whining, but you’ve never taken any action to end the conversation. Why is that?”
Sergeant Plum scowled, but the anger didn’t reach his eyes. “Too smart for your own good sometimes, Princess. Fine, you’re right.” He tried to drink more cider, the growled when he realized his mug was empty. “You want the truth? I don’t mind having you around, talking to you about all this stuff that’s in the past. Kinda got used to the idea that nobody cared about all this stuff except the other guys in my grumpy old man club. Knowing a pretty pink pony princess is gonna take time out of her day—on a holiday—just to try and make me less of a grouchy jerk?” He thought it over, then shrugged. “Not saying I’m gonna be smiles and sunshine, but I’m not made of stone. Appreciate you going to all this trouble just to try and make one bitter old stallion have a better day. Guess maybe I think the other guys will too.”
I thought his answer over and slowly nodded to myself. He’d been right about one thing; I couldn’t magically fix painful memories, or wipe away a lifetime of grouchiness with a five-minute chat. But maybe I didn’t have to. Maybe it was enough to let them know that somepony cared.
“One word of advice before the guys show up, Princess,” Plum grunted out. “Keep the cloak on. It might be terrible for looking inconspicuous, but it’ll do a fine job of keeping you covered up. Last thing I need is one of my buddies turning into a dirty old man. Ruins the whole atmosphere of a bunch of grumpy old men getting together and bitching if they all get distracted by the pretty young mare sitting at the table with us. If I have to spend all night listening to them mutter about how nice your gams are whenever they think you won’t hear them...” He shook his head. “It would make things weird. And wrong.”
I glared at him, though it was mostly playful. “Shouldn’t you show more respect to a princess?”
To my surprise, the sergeant actually smiled. “Probably.”
