> With Or Without You
>  by RainbowDashian
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> Confessional
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

This never should have happened.

I never wanted this.

I shouldn't have brought it up.

I shouldn't have talked.

I shouldn't be alone.

I shouldn't have let something petty take over my emotions.

I should have let her kiss her best friend on the cheek.

I should have recognized it as a sign of friendship.

I shouldn't have gotten so mad at Lyra.

I shouldn't have started the break up.

I shouldn't have gotten so mad at her.

I shouldn't have hit her when she didn't want to leave.

I shouldn't have been such a jerk. I should have let her speak, I should have let her explain it to me. I should have listened, I should have heard her side of the story. I should have understood when she said that it was just a joke between her and her friend; a sign of affection.

But I didn't.

I never listened.

I never let her talk.

I never stopped to think what my yelling would do to her.

Come to think of it, I never stopped yelling.

I never remembered the commitment I made to her.

I never remembered it: Our upcoming secret marriage.

I never wanted to get at upset. I never wanted the situation to escalate. I never wanted to lose control, I never tried to stop it once it started. And I never tried to make amends. I never noticed that she was crying. I never noticed the black eye from where I hit her. I never tried to stop her when she ran.

But I didn't think.

I didn't think about how she felt.

I didn't think about what I was saying.

I didn't think about her.

I didnt think about Lyra, the love of my life.

I didn't think about the the possibility of her leaving.

I didn't think about trying to stop her. I didn't think about what my words did to her. I didn't think of the pain I was causing her. I didn't think about our relationship. I didn't think it could end.

But it did.

And it's all my fault.

Everything that happened...

I caused it.
> A Letter To Lyra
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lyra,

It was just a simple kiss. A kiss on the cheek. I knew you and Berry were great friends... I had always suspected that you were having an affair with her... It was a wrong assumption. Entirely wrong. But for some reason, I still thought it. And that kiss... It was just a sign of friendship, a way of saying, "You're awesome, best friend." But I never interpreted it that way.

You and Berry Punch had dated in the past. Lots. In fact, You'd dated so much back then that they exhausted all romantic feelings you had for each other. You actually took it as a joke, a thing to laugh about, whenever you kissed or hugged, or really a hint that implied a romantic relationship. It was just a joke. An inside joke. But I never caught on.

I hit you. I hit you, Lyra. I never meant to. I didn't even know I did until I already had. You had been trying to explain. You were trying to tell me it was just a joke, a way of two friends making fun of their past experiences. I thought you were lying. I got so angry, I - I hit her. And yet you stayed. You, the kindest, most forgiving pony in all of Equestria. You stayed. But I never noticed. All I could think about was a joke. A joke that turned into... Into this.

I'm sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry. but I can't take it back. I can't heal your black eye. I can't piece back the love that I shattered.

Lyra, I know you don't want to take me back. I know that you shouldn't. You shouldn't forgive me. You shouldn't forgive the words I said, the accusations I made, and the emotional scars I gave you. You shouldn't forgive my hitting you.

But I know you will.

I know you will because you always forgive. You always forget past offenses, no matter how bad.

Even if it's something unforgivable.

Something like what I did.

Lyra, I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to lose control again. I don't want to spin things out of proportion. So I don't want you to take me back. Not now, not for a while. Pursue other mares. Look for other, better ponies. You don't want to be with me. And I don't deserve you.

Maybe, in a year, this will be over. This - incident. Maybe, by then, we won't immediately think about it as we look at each other. Maybe our love will be resurrected. But, until then, I don't want you to take me back. I won't let you take me back.

I don't want you to take me back, not because I don't want you back - trust me, I do - but because I'm afraid something like this will happen again. So, for a year or more, we are over. Look for other mares, look for better prospects. If you want to take me back then, then please, please come back.

Every fiber in my body is telling me not to do this; saying that this is wrong. I love you, Lyra. Everything I did was wrong. I love you, I never want to hurt you. But I did. You know it was wrong. And you have every right to leave me. But please, please please come back. Please...

But if you realize, like I have, that I don't deserve you, then you don't have to.

If you discover how much of a jerk I am, then you wont date me anymore; we won't get married, or love each other anymore.

Or, rather, you won't love me.

You won't have to.

You shouldn't.

I still love you, Lyra. I love you it's all of my heart. I never, ever, wanted to hurt you.

But I did.

I respect whatever decision you make. I can live with it.

With or without you.

With regret,
Bon-Bon